subreddit,date,text,covid period,gender
depression,2019-08-28,the sun hasnt even came up and im f ready to go to bed again so ive got this weird thing where im depressed and anxious for a few days each month some months im fine but it is usually the same time each month my guess is it is hormone related anyhow i am so very grateful for everything i have in life but i just cant help the way i feel i know its only temporary but my boyfriend has left to work and im laying here just over whelmed with emotions and crying i know when i get in these moods that my thinking is irrational and my worries fears or self criticism is totally warped i am able to recognize that i just dont like to tell people close to me when i get this way because i know literally within a day or two its back to my usual self and i know a lot of people have things going on in their own lives so i couldnt burden them or have them label me as a sad person because we all get sad so i typically spend these down days self reflecting and acknowledging the sadness to anyone out there feeling down or feeling isolated we are all in this together today when i finally decide to get out of bed im going to spend my day fully present and appreciative of all the beauty around me ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-28,i am just so exhausted im f currently in an inpatient centre because i have been struggling for years now been through a misdiagnosis of bpd and finally have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and severe anxiety but whatever im managing ive finally created a reddit account because i dont know where next to go im on my third week of inpatient and things were looking better with changes in meds and an ongoing care plan of outpatient and an awesome psychiatrist then i started going downhill three days ago im at a point where i just dont know if its worth it and i feel so hopeless i feel like i dont know what to do when i get depressed like i cant apply any of my dbt cbt skills or the distractions are just short lasting and i feel like i wont recover and will just have to wait until it passes which is days or weeks where as if my anxiety isnt manageable or i have a really bad panic attack i can have a small dose of valium i cant keep going on im just so exhausted im barely making it to group and all functioning has gone down showering routine etc and this is while im inpatient does anyone have any suggestions or any advice ,pre,female
depression,2019-10-08,not sure if i am depressed burnt out or if society just sucks f i dont know what my problem is lately i think i am just stressed and burnt out and depressed i dont even know where to start i worry by throwing all this out there i will just seem like a millennial brat or something if this post is too long or something is wrong with my question or presentation let me know relationship and living situation right now i live with my boyfriend renting a two family flat in a midwestern us city we have four cats and a dog that i adore our relationship is good in some ways however our issues in my eyes are that i dont feel a spiritual deep connection or understanding with him like i would like to he has a few addictions like porn and weed sometimes i feel like i want him to be different than he feels he is like i dont want him to dye his hair crazy colors or wear kilts or other different fashion and he is mostly interested in television celebrity actors and games while i could care less i spend my free time on going to yoga doing chores maybe watching a show seeing my friend hiking he does run a lot and is struggling to find things to do in his free time he can also be kind of lazy and messy and i take control of all the cleaning bill paying meal planning etc he is a cook and went to school for it but doesnt seem to really have a passion for it i think i expect too much however as i feel i want a soul connection with a man but i dont think ill actually find that work i work a bit more than full time in customer service in the automotive industry weekdays mainly i take about calls a day and process orders etc i have been here three years before this i worked in food service they like me here and told me they consider me management material possibly and are gearing me in that direction however i dont really want the job though i thought i might a while ago customer service is irritating and lately i have been so irritable at work i hate answering calls with the same questions all the time i hate working inside all day in some ways i dont care about the auto industry my coworkers are usually pretty sweet but i just feel so irritable with everything about work school i am also going to school four hours per week doing an accelerated degree program in corporate communications ill be done by summer  i forgot why i even started this program i had an associates in general transfer studies and felt i needed to finish my bachelors and picked a program that sounded interesting i do like the material however my managers think im best in customer service and think marketing is not right for me since i am shy and quiet and not charismatic i dont know what im going to do with my degree i just figured it would get me somewhere thoughts lately this cluster in school i am studying native americans for my electives i am one eighth native american approximately one sixteenth chippewa from my mother and maybe one sixteenth cherokee from my father he is unsure but i intend to research my mother owns reservation land in wisconsin and wants to give it to me i really want to visit it i have become fascinated learning more about the culture and find it so beautiful i am sad we ever destroyed their culture i love their spiritual ways of living connection with the earth community and family values everything i am probably romanticizing it all but ive just been researching and am sad i wasnt born in a time where that kind of organic life was something i could live i am an infp personality type and feel deeply unfulfilled living this rat race materialistic lonely depressing boxed in life i dont think it is a personal problem but a societal problem i have been dreaming of a life where i could live away from the city not work my life away in an office live in nature but i bet it would be lonely idk ive had thoughts like this before about wanting to escape the regular society just fantasizing and i probably sound like a teenager right now i just want to live a whole life raise strong and healthy children not contribute to destroying the beautiful planet were on health i recently lost lbs through calorie counting and have about more to go until ill be done i think however progress has stalled i am lbs and  i want to lose more but cant get my eating under control now i think i have a freaking eating disorder ive become ocd about counting calories weighing food constantly on my fitness pal lately i go over calories and binge on fast food and have gained about pounds i obsess about my bodily flaws and the fact that i am aging and there are way more beautiful women out there i pinch my fat and hate it i regret ever getting fat and dont even know how i wasnt aware of how big i was getting i unhealthily blame my upbringing for not teaching me healthy habits my family all smokes so many cigarettes dont exercise eat lots of fast food i was going to try to assume a deficit today but went way overboard at starbucks and dairy queen i talked to my dietician friend and she suggested intuitive eating my life has revolved around calorie counting however lately ive been obsessing over how society sucks and gave me this eating disorder self esteem and body image issues i know i should not blame family background i grew up living with my dad as my parents were divorced before my birth my mom grew up in poverty only got a fifth grade education and is severely ill with schizophrenia though treated today she is still on disability my dad was distant and not usually kind could be abusive my stepmom moved in when i was four and was very different from my mother my mother is very christian and has strong values and values religion and cleanliness my stepmom and dad were atheists stepmom would yell at us all the time didnt really care about a clean house we lived in chaos with over a dozen pets usually i have two step sisters who are very different from me they are loud and tough and i am quiet and introspective i grew up i guess emotionally neglected and have always struggled with emotional mental and social health ive seen counselors before obviously my mental and emotional health are not in a good place i dont know what to do i hate my job i wish life was different i want to have a meaningful life and want to feel spiritually fulfilled i feel trapped im sure this sounds like a complain fest i just have to express any advice ,pre,female
depression,2019-10-08,hi this is my first post just wanted to talk to anyone who would listen at this point im f and i am taking a year off from school because of my depression i used to be someone with lots of friends and have a social image in school i guess i was kind of popular even but now i literally have no more friends everyone ditched me once i fell through with depression making rumours about me calling me really nasty names my own friends told me i was too negative and some even told me to kill myself since i was so emo the last years of my life ive dealt with a lot of betrayal and trauma and bullying but i guess i exceeded my limit this year its been months since then and i just feel very lonely and isolated the bullying at school still haunts me to this day i wish i had someone to talk to besides my parents who dont really empathise with mental illnesses in general and my therapist i guess i just want to start over and maybe make some friends here im not looking for upvotes or anything im just hoping to make a friend or maybe advice on life and this post is me trying to reach out i guess ,pre,female
depression,2018-11-07,i f felt like i had my shit together at now i feel hopeless tl dr after facing an abusive teenage years i was able to turn my life around at but now at and facing no hardships or disadvantages im depressed why am i struggling with preforming such easy tasks has this happened to anyone else ill keep it short i faced sexual age  verbal age  and physical age  abuse in my teen years and relied heavily on alcohol i was suffered with severe anxiety and depression diagnosed by the time i turned i had completely turned my life around my past experiences stoped being a limitation and i worked hard on my mental health i worked a minimum wage job part time and studied full time but i was completely motivated i had drive for the future i kept great relationships i was a productive and healthy person but most importantly i was happy now at i face no hardships or disadvantages to make living my life hard but im completely depressed i cant finish my degree i dont attend at all even though im doing it part time i cant hold a job and will quit after a month or two i have lost all passion for hobbies every morning i wake up i wait until its socially acceptable for me to take a nap and then i do the same until i can sleep i have no idea what the future looks like the thought of me having to work a the rest of my life helps me burrow deeper in my hole i understand that i must work and put in effort to improve my situation but i dont want to i dont want to do anything why is it when i was i completely changed my life after facing challenging times now in my early adulthood when facing no hardships im struggling i feel as if i dont deserve to be depressed now and am doing my younger self a complete dishonour has anyone else struggled with depression on two seperate occasions or a similar situation ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-29,not sure what to do i am f have a month old daughter husband and dogs my life is great but i cant seem to be happy something every single day gets me down my husband thinks i just need to cheer up but that doesnt seem to be it i have been diagnosed with depressive episodes anxiety and my mom is diagnosed bipolar my system is very sensitive to pretty much anything including caffeine and certain vitamins so im scared to seek treatment but need something i hate coming to work i started nootropics weeks ago but stopped because im not sure if theyre working i am afraid to talk to a doctor because i only antidepressants can change you and i dont want that either i smoke weed to calm down but i feel like crap when im not smoking and get mood swings because of it i also want another baby and think its affecting my fertility i dont know what i want out of life and dont understand why i feel this way ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-29,i dont want to be here anymore im f ive switched meds a lot for my anxiety and it works wonders but my depression is still so bad i wont go off meds because ive had crippling anxiety my whole life and the thought of having it back kills me i rather be dead than feel it again ive been self harming and have a lot of suicidal thoughts im doing terrible in college and did in high school i cant make friends whatsoever since im so awkward and i feel like a burden to everyone with how emotional i am i just dont know how long i can go on like this life is too difficult,pre,female
depression,2019-07-29,living with me is like dealing with a middle schooler i m have clinical depression due to an insurance mistake i made my medication has been tricky this year i have a high cost deductible this year which means until i spend  in medical costs i have no coverage this has made getting my appointments and medications tricky recently i am starting to run out and have to figure out a way to pay for a doctor visit or i wont be allowed any more refills ive been depressed and moody lately saturday my girlfriend f asked me to do some things around the house i didnt say anything but i guess she sensed i was irritatible about it today she told me i had been acting like a middle schooler i know im in the wrong here but it hurts ive been depressed about a few things lately we went to a friends to watch a movie grill and swim and i forgot to tell her about the pool and she was really upset i apologized four times she reminded me that i knew how much she liked pools and wouldnt forgive me until the next day not that i necessarily deserved it one of our friends told her that i have a pool attention to detail two of my coworkers friends went to a baseball game and sort of hid it from me we normally do a trivia thing on thursdays and they said they werent able to go but didnt mention they were hanging out together and didnt invite me the thing in common here is me im not enjoyable to be around for my friends so they arent inviting me out im not enjoyable to be around with my girlfriend so she tells me living with me is like working with a middle schooler i want so much just to withdraw into myself and save all of these people from dealing with me im garbage theyd be better off without me ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-29,helping myself and boyfriend cope with depression my boyfriend m and myself f dated for years broke up for and are now back together for months currently when we got back together he said he hasnt been feeling like himself and after his grandma passed he has definitely gotten more depressed he said he feels numb emotionally unavailable and doesnt know how to feel over the past month hes become much less engaged with me as in less affectionate and boyfriend like but always takes time to see me multiple times a week and talk to me through the day on text i know we love each other very much but this is very draining to our relationship he plans to contact a counselor this week to go and talk to which im very happy about im looking for advice on how to cope with the changes to our relationship support him and not make myself unhappy in the process i havent been feeling very happy lately because of how different our relationship has become and how uninterested in simple things like cuddling for examples he seems to be ive brought this up to him and he says he just isnt in the mood to do all of those lovey dovey things and doesnt want them to come across forced im having trouble not connecting the change to me even though its the depression i love this boy with my whole heart and want to be there for him through this time ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-29,considering going to an inpatient treatment center should i sorry i post on here so much when im depressed f for about a year my therapist has been urging me to go to an inpatient program every single time ive said no because my parents particularly my mom have convinced me that its not what i need and that im gonna hate it so ive been scared to go but im so tired of being depressed and anxious every day im tired of having an anxiety attack at the thought of going to work or school im tired of dragging myself to work only to go to the restroom every hour to have a place to cry im tired of taking this medication that doesnt seem to do anything but make me sick im tired of feeling like i have no future and will amount to nothing in life and im tired of constantly wanting to try to kill myself again should i just go therapy once a week if im lucky doesnt seem to be doing much for me ,pre,female
depression,2019-01-07, f  was the worst year of my life and im afraid if isnt better ill kill myself cisf pansexual  was the worst year of my life i quit my job and with the help of my parents went to the worst beauty school on the planet in order to get my state esthetics license all while my year relationship with my then fiance was falling apart in march she wanted to open the relationship to have intimate relationships with other trans people initially i was hurt because i felt rejected but i understood the desire to experiment i said okay on the condition that she would still invest her energy in our relationship and she didnt and in july i moved out we tried counseling and in september i broke up with her i wasnt a priority to her and it wasnt until that i finally put all the evidence together i sacrificed everything for her and she took it all from me everything was always about her i couldnt take it anymore i lost my best friend and a third of my life fast forward today is january th and i have this gaping bleeding hole in my soul i feel unlovable and isolated i had to move back in with my parents i keep overdrawing my bank account the one person i have had any sort of romantic intimate relationship with is also depressed or just doesnt care about me anymore so i havent gotten any of the attention i crave from them since november im afraid to reach out on dating sites for fear of finding a serial killer or a rapist or being avoided because of how broken i am i have a few friends but i always feel like an outsider when im with them i am in so much pain and feel like i have nothing to look forward to ive been trying to keep my head down and work hard at my new job as an esthetician but when i come home all the pain returns and i wonder what the point of it all is the worst part is that i miss my ex so much and cant help but wonder if i did the right thing if things would be better if i never left if i was the one who ruined my life and not her ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-19,i dont know what to do anymore i f have been on tons of different adhd medications since nd grade my parents blamed the medications for my suicidal ideation and extreme depression we hopped from concerta to ridilin to adderol i tried to make it clear to my parents that i am not ok but they never listen and take it as shes going through a phase and shell get over it i started hearing voices about years ago and started self harming about a year and a half ago my parents noticed my scratches and took it as me trying to get attention the problem is that wasnt the case i had become so numb to the world around me that the only thing that i could feel was physical pain it felt good to finally feel something the voices keep getting worse and i told my therapist this but she also thinks im lying i have no freaking clue what to do i know im depressed and have been diagnosed with it and hospitalized but still nobody will take me seriously how do i stop the voices how do i pretend to be happy how do i hide the scars im so done with hiding things and think the would would be better off without having one more annoying voice to listen to ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-19,mdd making my life pretty lonely i f am currently struggling with mdd its been going on a year now and i still feel like i am in the same place it sucks i have had situational depression a couple times and have always spring back but its harder this time around i started seeing a new psych aprn and we are trying to adjust my meds we added in lamictal propranolol for anxiety magnesium and tapered cymbalta while i was on a relatively low dose mg since tapering i feel very floaty and want to cry multiple times a day for no reason and i just feel disinterested in everything since tapering i am supposed to start rexulti today im indifferent about this because of the possible weight gain side effect my son was on a similar med and gained lbs in a super short time period i hate feeling like this its put a strain on my relationships to the point where i have zero patience zero desire to do anything and just want to be alone i dont know if i am unhappy with myself my situation i work go to grad school have kids one of whom i have custody of and has emotional problems my relationship with my so or am just mentally emotionally spent i feel like no one understands what i am going through internally and it is very lonely my therapist feels like when my situation is less complicated and i can focus on myself things will look up but i feel like i am dug in a hole amp not sure how to even start getting out has anyone else felt this way am i wrong in wanting to be alone to just deal with my stuff ,pre,female
depression,2018-11-26,so cold just a song i listen to when i feel like this https www youtube com watch v f nuddf fai,pre,female
depression,2018-11-29,depressed roommate issues i dont know what to do hey all this is going to be very long so theres a tl dr at the end but i really pared down the info given below anyway so do what you wish first off background on me so you can get where im coming from f at a selective college ive had severe anxiety my whole life undiagnosed until i was depression for years eating issues for and trauma issues for im on medication for anxiety and depression ive made it a priority to take care of myself so i dont irritate the shit out of others like i did during the worst part of my depression and i go to therapy as much as possible along with lowering expectations for school social life etc ive been on the upswing for about five months during this time period everyone around me has gone to shit roommate friends from high school family members when i say everyone i literally mean everyone so im trying to help everyone else around me while not letting myself get bogged down by it because im trying to prioritize myself for the first time in my life im also still suffering from fatigue and emotional and mental burnout but im still a hell of a lot better than i was a few months ago amp x b now my roommate shes in the same year as me different major she was diagnosed with depression a while back but lost a family member a few months back and things started going downhill ive been encouraging her to get help for about six months and she hasnt complied or if she has its barely now i knew she was in a bad mood for the first few weeks of the semester and then i managed to clarify that it was depression then a few months back she started not finishing all of her meals i know this because im the cook this has been going on for at least two months im not trying to be harsh but if she was a full blown anorexic i would have noticed weight loss shes overweight and there has been no change in how she looks i caught her once hiding and eating a cookie i pretended not to notice it is entirely possible she is in a binge restrict cycle but there havent been physical signs so i cant tell she has had some bad times with alcohol going way too overboard and ive had to take care of her the past few days shes refused to eat any actual meals this all probably sounds incredibly selfish but this is also damaging my own well being and is creating a toxic and negative environment in my room and im really trying not to backslide on the progress ive made because its been damn hard and i really do not have to start from square one again its a fear of mine amp x b i care about her were not super close but i obviously want her to be healthy i just cant care for her  i spend a lot of my time making sure she does things like go to therapy emails professors feeds herself takes care of minor injuries and not let them get infected and basically i feel like im babysitting and i just cannot maintain this for another semester i want her to feel better but im feeling whiny and i wish i didnt have to bear the burden because shell only talk to me and no one else which doesnt seem fair to me i offer her logical solutions to her problems and she says that im right but doesnt do the smart thing i listen and offer sympathy and let her rant but the rants never stop whats worse to me is that she acknowledges she has a problem but will do jack shit about it herself and i get that its not entirely her fault but it is extremely aggravating for me to deal with she has barely eaten that i have seen the past six days and im worried that she will self harm in a more dangerous and immediate way yes i know not eating is not good for you but it takes longer for fatal effects to occur if i had known this was going to be the way my life was i would not have roomed with her im surprised my own mental health has not disintegrated being around her in all honesty amp x b tl dr im being a whiny bitch because i have to babysit my depressed roommate while also having a myriad of mental health problems of my own and i dont know how to deal with her becoming more and more depressed and me worrying about her self harming what do i do to maintain my own sanity and prevent her from hurting herself ,pre,female
depression,2018-11-29,why am i still depressed hi there f no family history of mental illness no trauma i have add and aspergers if that makes anything any different i was diagnosed with situational depression w self harm and suicidal thoughts and prescribed prozac when i was after something as simple as a fallout with friends starting out with coming out as gay to my best friend crush and her pushing me away it was also complicated by struggles with accepting my sexuality and struggling with my religion as well it is stupid i know i wont go into detail but i was in a lot of pain but i dont like talking about it because i feel like i am trivializing people with real problems anyways the situation was forever ago and im long over it but i still have depression symptoms not as bad as they used to be in fact my therapist says im improving a lot but for the past years ive been stuck in this state of emotional numbness feeling disconnected from myself others and the world and time doesnt seem to be passing i also still hate my guts all for no particular reason is it because ive never let myself healthily recover from the original situational depression or because of how hard i ingrained a self loathing a d negative attitude im not sure i have no good reason to be depressed if its not situational nothing else is wrong with my life i just feel empty is this just a teenager thing why am i still depressed if the event that triggered it has been resolved i just want to find a reason why any insight would be great ,pre,female
depression,2018-11-29,songs that you think really understand represent depression i like finding songs that feel like they hold a mirror up to my depression it helps me understand and express my own issues better please share your favorites so i can add to my playlist personally i love the world spins madly on the weepies https open spotify com track bam qivrntxnhyklrrx si tysekeusrden rlbxjgjqq https open spotify com track bam qivrntxnhyklrrx si tysekeusrden rlbxjgjqq a better son daughter rilo kiley https open spotify com track sc gvxafrwamhjyqo al si k ezjectswynjc v yq https open spotify com track sc gvxafrwamhjyqo al si k ezjectswynjc v yq liability lorde https open spotify com track jylfq mhc jpftxhwypwd si plizi fs kuzwam g u q https open spotify com track jylfq mhc jpftxhwypwd si plizi fs kuzwam g u q vienna billy joel https open spotify com track u aewtqhrm a mxpafz si jyzga tisxuof fqtxrc w https open spotify com track u aewtqhrm a mxpafz si jyzga tisxuof fqtxrc w vice miranda lambert https open spotify com track lhuqueopeuiwpy vlxlb si c ujbfwrhewezggsrokaa https open spotify com track lhuqueopeuiwpy vlxlb si c ujbfwrhewezggsrokaa space maren morris https open spotify com track lsjh sgdall f nuw jv si znrumyvqoug w b xwiiq https open spotify com track lsjh sgdall f nuw jv si znrumyvqoug w b xwiiq amp x b ,pre,female
depression,2018-11-29,songs use to display your depression to others play this these songs that most jackson c frank i want to be alone dialogue https www youtube com watch v dxbx fytqy sigur r s s gl pur https www youtube com watch v yjurf d x gorillaz tomorrow comes today https www youtube com watch v hys wdpzuxo ghost in the shell monochrome https www youtube com watch v rga iqnrg i love death lodger https www youtube com watch v osvj bvp g birmingham jail movie stir crazy https www youtube com watch v yrm qtixfuq a perfect circle passive https www youtube com watch v ome kvnkvnk ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-08,a word a sentence anything please help i just need a sub to ask for advice on whats going on right now ive been to my doctor alot and even changed doctors im honest to therapists i googled i asked family i asked friends im on mg a day anti depressants plus mg anti anxieties i take a multivitamin daily iron tablet daily because im anemic i drink water i exercise i do those things to make sure theyre eliminated factors to why im completely broken im f my husband of one year has left to go find himself he is a well accomplished good looking man with a strong foothold in his career he messages occasionally to say he misses me he even went as far to ask to meet up this weekend but i know that i wont hear from him for a few weeks again my little year old has had psychological testing because he wasnt responding well to authoritive figures at school he received diagnosis of having elevated emotional receptors otherwise all learning fuctions and wellbeing are normal he is the most sweetest intelligent loving and funny kid i know his father not my husband has always been more like a big brother he picks and chooses when to have him and as long as my boy is happy it is fine three weeks ago my little boy didnt listen to his father and got hurt not badly but still enough for there to be a bruise on his leg this led to social services contacting his father and his father obviously contacting me in a upset manner there is definitely a related reason as to why we havent been together for years still managed to make co parenting work peacefully i use quotations because i have our child fulltime but letting his dad go around saying he shares equal responsibility even after he has only been to our childs school a handful of times has never applied with him for sports teams never been to the dentist with him you get the picture its just easier my boy loves him and i feel one day he will decide on his own but i am on high alert and being kind and friendly every time we saw each other my father is an alcoholic has been since before i was born the abuse began early as it was carried on from my mother and elder sister except mine ended up being physical mother never removed me from situations almost always had to either forget or receive an apology from me to him for what he did one example being i wouldve been around the same age as my little one i was asleep in bed dad worked lates he came home i guess around midnight drunk came into my room and started yelling i just remember a whole bunch of shouting i dont recall any words and then he punched a hole in my wall and walked out neither parent came back to my room that night i got up turned out the light and went back to bed i dont remember if i slept i remember that i cried i remember no one cared that night that day i even recall my mother telling me numerous times to get over it my parents are now theyre old fragile and very different i love them they love their grandbabies and treat then soo soo differently i study right now especially from my husband leaving i want to ensure that my kid has the right future with love kindness and knowing how to respect others in saying that im not a man hater im assuming i picked wrong due to childhood influence i thought my husband loved me he never abused me he never yelled at me he was great with my little one he just dosent want us anymore my bestfriend tried to commit suicide lastweek this is a snippit glimpse tiny portion of my life ive written here i have to get back to study as i have deadlines and im pushing through to be able to provide independently but i shake everyday i cry everyday i cant breathe everyday and i know how to deal with that now my littlw boy never sees or feels my hurt i make damn sure of that i focus on listening to my breathing and wait for my heart to stop racing am i going to be like this forever because i can feel myself weakening and am pushing and pushing and trying so damn hard i know i can do it i just wish the shaking would stop im alone now i know people say im not alone but i am my studies and my child my cat my dog my nephews and my sister and her husband are my saving grace but when i passed my first lot of exams i felt no fucking joy i was angry about not being happy about it i worked so hard but i wanted to share that with my husband life goes on but no one cares i really just want someone to talk to someone whose not being paid by the hour to textbook me thank you for reading whoever you are ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-04,my f so m is always a sleep my so is a shift worker working days morning days afternoon days night shift i completely understand that hes tired from work and its hard to get into a normal sleeping pattern but if hes not at work hes asleep when i speak to him he always complains about not being about to sleep properly we dont live together but i know he puts his laptop on to try to help him fall asleep he complains about a lot of things especially work should i be worried this is a sign of depression or just a sign he hates his job ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-04, youre just looking for a reason to be upset its been a dark couple of months i just cant seem to shake the depression that has me in its grip ive been struggling for the past year even with medication i keep wondering when the sun will shine on me again if it ever will our family me f and my husband m and our children recently moved to a new house it was a difficult move with a lot of stress but things have smoothed out we left a busy suburban area and moved to a rural area with a beautiful view from each window even in my dark times staring out the window seems to help connect me to the life going on around me watching the birds hopping around the yard and the expanse of lush green grass its not much but it calms me it reels me back in i dont know why i recently came home to a large rv recreational vehicle parked at our house it turns out our friends were in a bind and needed somewhere to park it for awhile my husband agreed to let them park it at our house with no real timeline established about when it would be moved i adore our friends and dont have a problem with helping them out except that i was dismayed to find out that the views from the windows inside my house are now obstructed by the rv no more birds to be seen no more butterflies or bees buzzing around the yard no more yard just a big ugly rv its disheartening but temporary i guess i asked my husband if our friends could move the rv to a different spot somewhere in the yard that didnt obstruct the view he thinks im making a big deal about nothing im certainly not trying to make anything a big deal but looking out the window was one of the safe things i could rely on while being inside the house i still yearn to be able to watch nature happening outside while im busy inside with chores instead of being sensitive or understanding my husband accused me of using the rv issue as a reason to be upset as if i want to be upset about something for a guy who has lived with me for almost years i didnt think it was possible to understand me any less i dont even see you looking out any windows ever he said you never look out the windows youre just looking for a reason to be upset so now im upset and feeling worse because of this stupid depression that wont go away i just wanted to watch the birds outside the windows i guess its a big deal to move the rv because there has to be a special truck to move it and who knows what else i dont want to be the asshole to bring it up to my friends to move their rv i will try to hang in there i completely withdrew myself today slammed the baby food down and ran crying to my room why the hell would any depressed person make up an additional reason to be upset arent we already upset about things the obstruction of my view outside the window is a very real thing to me it means a lot to me to be able to see out the window and i guess i am crazy for being upset about it but whats new now im back in a dark place inside myself just wishing i had the strength to pull myself out of this tomorrow ill go outside and be with the birds in person tomorrow ill try harder ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-30,financial despair first time poster long time lurker f nc usa i really need to vent and rant about my depression so if you are reading thank you and bear with me please things have begun their downward spiral for me again i have kids y ms and a great husband no support at all from my family and weve heavily relied on my in laws for a lot ive struggled with depression all my life but this is the worst its ever been and i cant believe money is the root of it all we have financed cars and are about to lose the one i drive because i cant pay the bill were about to have our phones disconnected because the bill cant be paid and we have tons of medical bills because we cant afford insurance for myself and my kids i have school loan debt that i wouldnt even dream of affording to pay we hardly have food in the house because all of our bills and rent takes up the money my poor husband works his ass off for his job is a shithole and he gets very stressed because of it and the money he is not making there i cant get a job because my husband was offered a job in va but the start date could be in weeks or months and who knows if we can even move there we dont have the money to even if i could get a job i still wouldnt be able to afford it because my kids need daycare cant afford it i am about to lose my mind making distressing calls to loan sharks asking for help and just accepting defeat i havent been on my medication lexapro since before my youngest was born because my doctor deemed it to risky during pregnancy and since havent been able to afford to get it again i am lucky to have been able to get birth control thanks to proframs like nurx i have lost my motivation for anything even taking care of my own kids we sit around the house playing video games and watching movies because i cant be dammed to get up and play i hate it and have often cried about it to them fortunately my oldest is still to young to understand i used to have so many hobbies with them but i dont even have the desire to find the supplies anymore i feel bad because my kids deserve better than their mommy crying all the time and not wanting to even cook sometimes they are healthy and know we love them they have plenty of toys and clothes thanks to my inlaws so they are not neglected well not physically anyway i just am so lost i worry about myself i dont know what to do ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-30,a disheartening family all i f dream of all day is the sliver the taste of a new home life dont get me wrong i love my family for they are my blood but a depressing tone flows between all of us the downstairs area is where everyone congregates but if found alone you could tell my brother mother sister father whatever is just barely getting by we live under a fair roof a room for each of us a yard of grass for the dog and right now the bathroom for the kitten were considering adopting its disgusting piled plates unwashed carpets and the mass collection of blankets and pillows you may fall asleep on late afternoon if you do not feel the motivation to carry yourself to your room meters away we have had the same maids all my life and every week when i come home to a fresh bed and a kitchen counter cleared off it gives me a sense of momentary happiness i live heavy with my severe depression and so does my mother when i look at her i can tell she wants to die i know she only sees her life as a repetition to work to work and to cook a finishing meal at the end of the day its a melancholy sight and somehow i know ill crawl into her shoes and live a replicate life my father and my sister they live with debilitating adhd that has mutated into many other issues when i look at them i can tell they worship their life for every second but that they suppress the struggles above and underneath they function as well as my mother and i limited motivation with a lack of grip on reality my brother is the odd one out with the anxiety and mutism factors that meet for a lonely and melancholy social life life is bleak in my family the cost of existence sees not that we teeter the line of poverty and privilege it sees not we have lost our dog this february that my father lost his only long time stabilized job that we have run free of money today i think about helping my family in anyway with costs although my talents are one to none my education is still blooming and i have no money to offer there is nothing i can offer excluding my presence and promise of my future i consider suicide but if gone through with the rippling of suicides after mine will leave my family name stunted my shoulders are heavy and i do not feel like i can carry them anymore ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-28,in need for a little hope people who have healed from depression or are doing a lot better is it normal to feel like youll never get better that you could do anything such as going to another country studying something new meeting new people you would never be normal as if depression will follow you anywhere you go and is it true if not how do you get rid of these thoughts also this is secondary but if you have any advice or a comment on a being way to dependent on your so while being depressed and not being able to express your needs a little background recovering from anorexia got ill in july  f also diagnosed anxious and wih tendencies to depression along with anorexia diagnosis ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-28,even the constant pointlessness of it all is overwhelming hey there im f and i think ive been suffering from depression since i was in th grade and i hadnt realised it until now because i tried to forget most of my childhood my parents fought a lot like a lot they would argue about the least logical things my dad is so insecure he would throw tantrums whenever my mom gets a job opportunity so she turned most of them down they couldnt pay for my schooling from gradeschool to college so i relied on my aunt and uncle who had better jobs and were willing to pay my tuition and books so i tried to study hard and i just got my degree on accounting and ill be trying to get my license this year back to my parents they werent awful at parenting though they fed me and gave me home basically most of my needs were met and i shouldnt complain but living with parents who had an obsessive and unstable relationship takes a toll on u and your emotional well being my dad is an alcoholic he drinks almost every night until now my mom i think is depressed too there were times that they would throw things at each other theyd argue so loud that our neighbors would hear everything while i sit in my room listening on their pointless arguments months later they would make up then fight again until now i never told any of my friends ever ive had a fair share amount of friends i hated arguing so whenever things get kinda rough i would just walk away i didnt want to be my parents i hate confrontation and all these years i am ashamed of admitting how dysfunctional my family is i know its not the worst i know they love me but every day i feel like theres something wrong with me i dont know how to deal with people i am extremely secretive about my personal life i dont like the idea that someone i know knows who i am i cant maintain good friendships and i dont have a boyfriend because i always act alone because thats what ive felt all my life i feel so shitty for blaming my parents for my actions but i have nothing but an emotional roller coaster of a childhood thats all i feel a child stuck in a box not knowing anything but the constant bantering between my parents it sucks feeling alone all the time it sucks being suspicious and paranoid like my dad it sucks feeling trapped like my mom ive also been suffering from panic attacks recently and last week it was in the middle of the road and i was almost hit by a car i feel numb i care about things but its always not enough for others this is a mess im a mess,pre,female
depression,2019-04-28,my f husband m is suicidal and i am at a loss we live sort of far from family and friends no one but me knows his mom thinks he is depressed but she is a little naive about it and just thinks of it like a dramatic teenager would none of his friends know and have been surprised if they mention his level temperament and i assume theyre joking he hasnt talked to me of his own volition in five days hes sleeping in the basement when i went downstairs he said in a bunch of different ways that killing himself doesnt matter and that killing himself without medication is significantly better than taking it and feeling happy if its chemically induced i know i can call or something but hell just lie to the intake people wait out the hours and then definitely kill himself i dont know what to do i have just felt exhausted and nauseous for so long ,pre,female
depression,2019-10-09,im concerned about my friend with depression and i dont know how to help today my friend f tearfully opened up to me and told me that shes depressed and she hasnt told anyone else shes found that recently she frequently experiences anxiety is easily irritated and has minimal motivation in general she told me that she hasnt told her husband of years and shes not sure if she wants to or how to even start the conversation with him but that they recently had an argument regarding her irritated attitude and it spiraled out of control shes been doing some self loathing because of these feelings shes had so i did my best to listen and reassure her that its okay to admit her depression and try to stop the self loathing i advised her to talk and be open with her husband so they could be on the same page especially since he seemed to be taking her behavior personally as if shes unhappy with him or her unhappiness was his fault i think her main hindrance is the social stigma of depression she seemed embarrassed and quite honestly im so glad she told at least one person i dont think shes have thoughts of harming herself she just sounded incredibly sad overall i felt out of my league in offering advice on her first steps in addressing this im thinking seeking a therapist is a good start i know she mentioned some of these symptoms to her primary physician and they ran bloodwork to see if they could find a medical reason but it came back normal what would you guys advise especially considering that she seemed really embarrassed or like she was admitting weakness or failure thank you ,pre,female
depression,2019-10-09,coping while living with parents hello this is my f first time posting in the sub but i wanted to reach put and see if anyone had any tips or strategies that i could try so a bit of background i work full time with two year olds and i live with my parents im living with them while i get my loans paid off which i did but with the cost of living in my area its near impossible to live on my own or with others the only option i can see myself doing is moving an hour and a half away to be where my boyfriend and his family live i cant do that until the end of the school year so im living with my parents the only catch is its pretty depressing i love my mom but shes very codependent so it makes it hard to get a handle on my depression im on medication but im hoping to taper off it because its not working well with me im just starting therapy again so that will be a big help does anyone have any coping skills they could share it just gets so lonely in my house and the feeling is just draining im trying to just try to heal while still living at home its hard but it just is what i gotta do for now what would you guys do in my situation ,pre,female
depression,2019-10-09,came out to my dad about my depression i f have been struggling with depression for around years now and although my family have noticed me not feeling great some of the time they hadnt realised the extent of how bad it had become i told my mum about it a couple of months ago who is an extremely emotionally unavailable parent and did not deal with it well this made me fall further into my hole and feel like things would never improve and i couldnt talk to anyone tonight my dad witnessed me breaking down in the kitchen he held me while i cried more like wailed and sniffled about how awful i felt and had for so long and just wanted it to be better but i didnt know how my dad has faced very severe depression in the past and has been on high doses of medication for many years to deal with it he assured me how much he really understood and promised that we were going to get help and sort this out together i cant even begin to describe how amazingly well he responded and how much better he made me feel i never ever thought that this would happen and the fact that i can finally get real help and i have a parent who cares and understands is astonishing and honestly almost put me in shock i think about halfway through my tears actually turned to tears of joy i havent felt this happy in a long time maybe it really does get better guys tl dr had a breakdown and told my dad about my depression he was extremely understanding and made me feel a lot better and promised to get me help i feel happier than i have in a long time and i feel like there really may be hope for the future,pre,female
depression,2019-10-09,long term depression ive been recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety i feel like ive been depressed for a super long time im f but ive been feeling sad and have been battling with my self concept self worth and mood for as long as i could remember i used to think it was a part of my personality and that i could never get out of it if i had to pinpoint a particular time i can say my lonliness and depression became very prominenent when i was ish im just curious is this normal to feel this bad for this long there would be peaks here and there but i can say that majority of my feelings over the past years have been confusing and depressing ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-16,sleeping all the time how to talk to the doctor about this hello all im f i was diagnosed with anxiety disorder with minor depression when i was ive been taking mg of prozac for years and years it used to help a lot now i dont feel much different off the prozac or on i just get super bad restless leg syndrome off the medication lately ive been feeling bouts of hopelessness i get really defensive fight with my boyfriend then start crying and feeling like i dont want to live anymore i use to have panic attacks like this but they would happen far more quickly and less often these seem to happen every other week and they come on slower but another thing ive been sleeping a lot i slept for plus hours once and would have slept more no matter how much i sleep i still feel exhausted if prozac isnt working what should i do what do i need to tell my doctor what if there isnt anything else that can help me prozac is supposed to be energizing why isnt it working anymore i feel like if i could i would sleep a day straight i dont want sex anymore or find myself wanting to do much of anything im too tired to care about what my boyfriend or anything anyone is saying only my dog makes me happy these days i just dont know what to do ive never experience this sorry for rambling ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-16,i went to a mental hospital for a week and it saved my life i came here to share this because even if it inspires just one person to look into getting inpatient care or even just outpatient that would be amazing i admitted myself in april i have been struggling with depression since i was im f btw i had been taking meds and stopped taking them because i also struggle with anorexia bulimia so i wasnt able to take my meds on an emory stomach without it just coming back up so i was down way down than i had ever been in my life i wanted a hole to just swallow me up and end my existence i talked to my therapist about this and she recommended inpatient care would be the best thing for me at the time i was nervous about going to the mental hospital and getting my mental health assessment done but i had the nicest woman with me and she made everything so comfortable and made me feel like i wasnt crazy because i just felt so weird that i was actually in a hospital like this the first night was the hardest but everyday got better and they regulated my meds and group therapy was tremendously helpful i met very interesting different and intelligent people who were going through the same thing the day i got out i felt like a new person hopeful for the future for the first time in a very long time i am now pursuing my goals and i am taking it day by day step by step my favorite advice was fake it til you make it really what i want you to get from this post is that there is hope for all of us we can do this we all deserve to be happy and to enjoy life step by step ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-16,helped me more than meds f i did an experiment where i used thc cbd pens once a day for weeks and i felt better than ive felt in years and it definitely helped with my depression anxiety and body dysmorphia issues more than any therapy or meds has ever helped me been diagnosed for years but now i live somewhere were these things are illegal and i have too much anxiety to attempt to get these things i have tried various cbd products that are legally extracted from hemp sold online but it doesnt work nearly as well as when its combined with thc what do i do is there anything similar thats helped you ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-16,i made a hip hop playlist called lamenting amp sad hip hop its helped me through tough times so maybe it can help you too the playlist https open spotify com user jif jecb qpfw qyz c ed playlist ka i p bgogjccgz fie si p yt qlqqhbqs ued w hip hop has helped me get through a lot of rough patches in my life ive been listening to it for years so i hope this playlist can really help anyone dealing with depression or anxiety like i am ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-29,never experienced this myself i f consider myself a happy laidback person there are a lot of people around me with depression mental illness my long term boyfriend m my younger sister my younger brother my older sister my stepdad so ive seen what it can do and how differently it can affect people so i thought when it happened to me i would notice right away well i didnt seemingly out of nowhere i feel like i was just weighed down so badly i didnt even really notice until my bf pointed out to me how i hadnt done homework laundry or dishes in over a month i know that makes him sound bad but typically i do majority housework because i have more free time he picked up the slack while i was in this state anyways i honestly felt like i was half of me just a shell pretty much i had no appetite no desire to pull myself off the couch and do something and i wasnt really sad so much as i just wasnt there but there were moments of overwhelming sadness where all i wanted to do was cry i guess im just hoping to get any and all info advice from anyone part of the reason i think that this is going on is that ive had some health problems recently so i have bills piling up and since i have class days a week im only working twelve hour shifts a week and whatever i can get on the weekends but that no money i also withdrew mentally from school and classes are harder and harder to make myself go to so being behind is making things worse some of my health issues include a really fast heart rate that were trying to figure out they put me on beta blockers to try and lower it anxiety levels they also put me on a vitamin d supplement since my levels were extremely low im also seeing a neurologist for frequent headaches he has me on a medicine thats an antidepressant but is also used to treat headaches before i was put on the beta blocker i was on cymbalta for anxiety i didnt think cymbalta was used to treat anxiety but im not a dr that stuff really made everything worse for me i honestly felt like i was drowning and there was no way out that was the worst of it the beta blocker has lifted me out of that funk but now after using the blocker for a couple of months i feel like im slipping back into that state im randomly so overwhelmed that i feel like all i can do is curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep but other times im in a really really good mood i will feel good about myself and my body and ill legit feel like i can tackle school and my bills i will make it out of this no problem thats how the old me would feel majority of the time and i love feeling that way but it lasts maybe for a couple hours and then i go back to normal or back to feeling a bit down im exhausted going back and forth between these emotions i dont know what to do im scared to keep putting all of these medications in me because im wondering if theyre the problem maybe theyre interacting badly or my body doesnt like them i just want to feel like me again i want to have fun and not be surrounded by this dark cloud i want to be the person who helps lift people out of their funk again instead of being the person who is in it im sorry if i offend anyone by anything i said i just am new to feeling things like this so its all very different to me please feel free to tell me your stories or anything you found that helps helped you tldr im looking for advice on how to deal with depression feel like myself again ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-29,does anyone else get extra depressed when its around the time of their birthday special holidays long story short i f had a child at single mother i was also self destructive for a veryyyyy long time and was just diagnosed with cptsd in the middle of last year i feel like i have broken the chain and my daughter is the only one in my family who shows me a lot of love and she is just really different i know it is because of me and the way ive raised her anyway when it comes around to my birthday and what not i cant help but feel extra empty around this period i dont know why and people keep telling me to look at the positives and to look at how far i have become but its just really hard i feel like im never enough and ever since ive come out of the mental health facility recently ive also literally lost all my friends which i am a bit sad about i dont know i thought i would of achieved so much more by the time ive turned but i feel like as i get older its become harder to cope i guess the positive is that i now have insight into my actions and i am actively seeking therapy and doing all of that but i thought that this emptiness would go away as i get older but it hasnt just wanted to know if it was just me or if you guys do also feel more lonely depressed around their birthday special holidays ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-29,please help i m have been struggling with depression sence the junior year of high school i stopped taking my meds due to the fact that they make me sick and jittery my girlfriend of years f recently came out as polyamorous and said she was already texting another guy she told me it would never work and that absolutely crushed me for the first time in over a year my suicidal thoughts re emerged im scared and dont know if i can make it how did you guys get through it ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-29,dealing with self hatred i f honestly feel really lost and even writing this makes me feel weak and pathetic i struggle greatly with self hatred and i just dont know how to stop im in therapy and im on medication but for whatever reason i just have such a difficult time believing in myself again my childhood was a mess in certain ways ie mother is a bipolar pill addict who is now crippled due to a stroke she chose to quit physical therapy even though she was progressing and walking with a walker and now her right side has atrophied my dad basically works in a nursing home now taking care of her she wears diapers and soils herself instead of letting her caretaker take her to the bathroom but like with her addiction he says nothing and lets her do whatever so he comes home at the end of the day and cleans her up and waits on her hand and foot shes obese now in college i was raped and then drugged and almost raped again ive been working through these issues and ive gotten far to some degree but my biggest struggle is not fucking hating myself my depression reminds me of my mom and i feel like im turning into her which is one of my biggest fears especially with my poor eating and lacking exercise habits i want to be a filmmaker ive been writing screenplays since high school and i used to write them all the time but ever since i graduated college in  i have no motivation i made a short film more or less about my rape and it wasnt as good as i wanted to be and its my fault i was in a horrible headspace unprepared and inexperienced its been really hard for me to come back from that because it got rejected by so many festivals ive only worked hard on one screenplay since then and im still not done made that film in by the way ive wasted so much time and even knowing that i continue to waste it im not strong headed anymore i dont believe im capable of success i look at other aspiring artists around me and compare myself so much that it makes it worse i completely fucking hate myself and its ruining my life i dont know how to convince myself im not a waste of space ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-11,depressed girlfriend advice needed my girlfriend f and i m have been dating for years she battles depression and anxiety recently we got in an argument about how come i havent proposed yet she wanting to be married and have children right this instance while shes working and in school i want to marry her but i dont think we are financially ready and that make her upset when i try and breakdown the financials a child is a lot of responsibility and i dont want to bring something into this world if i cant provide the baby with everything i had growing up she is so upset with me right now she has mentioned that she was to go out of town to be by herself for a night i dont know how i feel about this i want her to be happy but im also worried on why she needs to leave me and be alone a part of me is like if she goes and does this our relationship is done im not sure what to feel and it upsets me any advice ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-11,falling into a very sudden depression im f i used to suffer pretty severely from high functioning anxiety and depression until i went to a month program to help myself live and accept it that was back in and life has had its minor ups and downs but so far has been great until last month in the span of weeks my uncle went to prison for child pornography my other uncle passed away and i was diagnosed with crohns disease ive had this past week off from graduate school so i feel like its really sat and marinated and i constantly feel on the verge of tears i avoid going out because i think something will trigger a panic attack or an emotional breakdown at the same time i feel so cooped up in my apartment all alone doing puzzles all day with intermittent crying spells i dont have many friends they all went home for break and my school is pretty far from where i live anyways my question is what has helped you guys get out of ruts like this i know if i keep doing what im doing it will continue to get worse and worse but i dont feel like i have the mental or physical capacity to do anything else i know somewhere in my head is a seedling of things will get better but its so hard to believe right now ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-17,i felt like i had been living a double life for a while but now my feelings of hopelessness are even creeping in at work i had always described myself as having depressive tendencies but i have never been formally diagnosed with depression at age i am f i had some concerns about how terribly low i felt seemingly around weeks before my period so i was prescribed yaz a birth control pill meant specifically for this it seemed to help at first but time has gone on and after the acute ness of a new life event dims down in this time i have graduated with a nursing degree moved permanently across the world gotten married husband went through a psychotic break i got a new job these super low feelings always seem to creep back up it just feels like life is pretty hopeless that i am exhausted and cant muster the strength to do anything or see anyone my weight has fluctuated that i dont believe anyone when they try to give me a compliment at its absolute worst it feels as though i wouldnt mind if i were to fall asleep and not wake up though i can tell myself this is not a rational way to think in any case all these feelings i could manage to hide at home amp x b starting about months ago disagreements or confrontations at work led to me to cry in front of my coworkers on a few occasions i started taking vitamins in the hopes that it could combat my poor mood but then today i had yet another one of these crying episodes amp x b my work is really tough but why am i crying i just feel like i dont know myself anymore or im not in control of anything ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-17,having a really shitty week ive f struggled with depression and anxiety on and off since i was like and im pretty good at kicking its ass and telling it to leave me alone if i dont say so myself however the past couple of weeks have been pretty tough i work in retail and an opportunity came up for a managerial position and i applied for this around feb i got an interview and then a second interview and then they told me id have to do some more training and a project thing before i actually get it my manager was furious as he was confident id get this job and hed never heard of anyone else in the company being set a project this all happened about a fortnight after my grandpa passed away so at first i thought great something i can throw myself into to take my mind off of things months later here i am and i am absolutely sick i am good at my fucking job sometimes its stressful and challenging but still im good at what i do i was crap at school so this project i have been set has majorly stressed me out im bad at writing things down and explaining i just feel like im not good enough and it has taken over all of my free time and i just dont feel like its worth it i cant deal with the anxiety its giving me i just want to be able to come home from work and switch off and i feel this has made that impossible i used to enjoy work but now i resent it with every inch of my body and now im starting to feel like because ive been so focused on work i havent processed my grandpas death properly and im just a bit of a mess to be honest i dont know whether im coming or going i feel like im going to fail i need this job i need the money i wanna move out and have a comfortable life without feeling like i need a partner to do so i have also not long came out of a toxic and abusive relationship and i just want to feel like i can do this whole life thing on my own not being dependent on anyone because i promised myself id never ever rely on anyone but myself not even my parents because as amazing as they are they arent perfect and they can and will let me down sometimes so its easier to just not rely on them to save an argument i just feel like depression has its claws in my back and im trying to fight it but im struggling this week and i dont want to leave my bed i hate my life right now and i dont know how to change it ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-17,when will i f move on from suicide attempt hospitalisation tw suicide overdose hospital i overdosed on my medication about weeks ago i knew i didnt want to die but at the time i was desperate to escape i was hospitalized for days and suffered a seizure im on new medication and have been suffering commo side effects unlike my old medication it has been hard to not think about what transpired those days im constantly trying to remember what happened as my memory of the entire thing has blanks in them i hallucinated a lot thought my mom was crying tears of fruit flies and when i tried to give her a napkin she said im not crying it wasnt worth it i regret it very very very much it was my very loud cry for help and am seeking a psychologists help now when will it get easier to not think about the pain i caused to all the people who loved me please seek help i cant stress this enough i saught help a little late but now i know i cant handle my depression and anxiety alone tldr how do i get over my suicide attempt ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-19,my depression makes me an asshole i f have been pretty good for a long time but before i went home for summer i went through some shit where a guy basically played hard with my feelings during summer break i had very low self esteem although multiple boys showed their interest in me i just felt like trash it got better towards the end of the holiday but now that im back everything is quite bad this guy and the girl he went behind my back with lives at the same place as i do and they seem to have some sort of thing going on she hasnt really done anything towards me as he kind of went behind her back as well i know its wrong but i cant help but feel not good enough and pathetic and i cling to the hopes that im prettier than her better liked etc and i tend to trash talk her quite a bit to my friends and i know its wrong and it just makes me a bad person but i feel so at loss i hurt so much and i just feel like the people around me think im a bitch when im like this i cant afford therapy at the moment and i dont want to talk to my friends about this anymore because i feel like theyre beginning to get tired of it i just want to be the person i used to be the one i really am because this is not it sorry this is such a mess but i feel so alone about this and just need some advice from someone who maybe understands me a bit better ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-19,i just want to be ok long story short the love f of my m life is getting married on sunday im not ok i dont even know how to be ok at this point i still see her and talk to her constantly because we work together i still want to be around her as much as i possibly can and its killing me at the same time as making me happy i have no friends no one else in my life just her i work two jobs anywhere from  hours a week my second job part time now im only keeping because of her i cant let go of what was said and done in the past between us i dont even know what im saying i just want to be ok god i love her ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-19,when i am not on meds i am an anxious wreck and now i feel completely numb so i have had depression since i was  f currently and have been struggling with trauma and my mental health for years last september i went off of my medication without consulting my doctor and it led to a bit of a breakdown when in january i get a case of bells palsy temporary one sided facial paralysis which worsened my anxiety to the point that i was overcome by panic attacks about my health and could not even stay a night alone in my house because of how terrified i was that i would die and i would be alone my doctor put me back on prozac mg which we quickly upped to mg about two months ago my symptoms were bad enough that i needed to talk to him about it again and we put me back on wellbutrin as well however i feel like i have continued slipping i am now showering about once a week it has been three weeks since i have done laundry or cleaned my room i am struggling to get up for work in the mornings and am getting extremely angry and cannot function properly whatsoever i am scared and i just dont even know what to do i called my doctor to book another appointment which will be another two weeks at least i just dont know what to do and i feel defeated ,pre,female
depression,2019-06-01,need advice on how to deal with my f parents m f grief depression from brothers m recent suicide hey guys im new to reddit but i hope to get some advice on how to deal with some rocky family dynamics if this isnt the right subreddit for this please point me in the right direction two years ago my brother died of suicide after years of struggling with his bipolar and addictions cocaine alcohol meth pain killers probably more him and i had a very poor relationship the years before he died with me trying my best to cut him and his drama out of my life my parents had always been very enabling of his addictions and very poor life choices so when i decided to cut him out of my life they did not see it my way in fact the last time he relapsed my parents started treating me poorly and chose him over me for family events as i was the one who was being unreasonable when he passed away i obviously was devastated i always held onto hope that he would get back on his meds and stop self medicating with illegal drugs my parents and extended family were crushed by his death my parents always hid his addictions and mental illness from family and friends so i was left being the one explaining to family how bad things were and how he was a bipolar addict yes we tried numerous times to get him help k worth of private rehab later he just became better at manipulating people i held it together as best i could since my parents were destroyed by his passing it took me about a year to get back into my life routine and accept he was gone part of why it took a year is because my parents guilted me into doing so many things with them during that year i live hours away from them but it was always expected id drive up for anything remotely family related this really impacted my job life so after a year i decided no more and started telling them no now its been years since his passing but whenever i see my parents its like it only happened a month ago i started to dread seeing them because they try to pull me down into their vortex of grief and sadness it would take me a few days after seeing them to get back to my usual happiness level and shake off their depression im not sure if seeing me just reminds them that hes gone or maybe theyre always this way now either way i cant continue like this i love my parents and want to see them but its too much how can i navigate this situation should i be upfront and just tell them that their negative attitude every time i see them affects me strongly and thats why im avoiding them or should i continue to just ignore it and blame being busy with work for why i only see them every few months now tl dr parents are devastated by my brothers death their grief is still so strong years later its negatively impacting my life mental health every time i see them should i point out that theyre projecting their grief onto me and thats why im avoiding them now or just ignore it and hope they dont get more upset that im absent from family things ,pre,female
depression,2019-06-01,i feel like my family is the source of my depression long story for those who care to read thoughts ive always dealt with my emotions enough to know when i need to pick myself up and try again lately that hasnt been the case by lately i mean a year backstory i recently found out that my f mom took out a credit card in my name years ago she made herself an authorized user and racked up about  in debt however she hasnt made the payments in about years my credit score is completely screwed as a result when i was my parents split due to the fact that my mom did this same thing to my dad over the course of their year marriage so to find that she did this to me after that is ridiculous i live with her and i confronted her about the situation in which her response was that she did nothing wrong and i should get over it i wanted to fix this so my stupid self worked strenuous amount of hours to fix the mess but how can i get over it how how could i get over it im supposed to be transferring to university next year and everyday i cry because i just dont know how im going to do it i cant get a loan because of the credit and i want to leave so bad but i cant cause of the credit what did i do to deserve this i havent told my dad because i fear hell want to take legal action and i still do care about her wellbeing but at the same time she doesnt seem to care about mine my dad has been nagging me because i need to be more self sufficient and he just really thinks im some sort of idiot that doesnt have her shit together because he isnt aware of what happened it pains me everyday to think that im protecting my mom when every time i see her i just get so pissed it pains me to know my hard work went toward someone who didnt have any consideration for me some days i dont leave my bed because im just so tired and so sad im so tired of living in a world where i am just here and my problems are a result of other peoples actions i have an amazing boyfriend who always is so positive and proactive but unfortunately my depression is so bad that i just cannot see the brighter side to things some days i even just wish something bad would happen to me to just make things stop worst of all my mom to this day will not own up to her actions and constantly screams at me for basically existing i feel like the longer i stay in the environment i see no progress but only me spiraling out of control thank you for those who read ,pre,female
depression,2018-11-28,podcast recommendations looking for podcast recommendations for a friend f who is depressed has a full time job but is struggling financially and emotionally ,pre,female
depression,2019-05-29,how to be strong when i feel weak i f have been going through a lot these last few months life has been overwhelming medical stuff losing a community and friends that i cared deeply for unemployed and difficulty finding a job eviction notice threats it feels like circumstance has been working to kick me down every step of the way despite everything ive tried to pick myself up work on myself and it was a slow climb but id slowly started to feel better last night felt like it broke me my girlfriend ex i dont even know also suffers from depression shed been busy lately and stressed i knew she was probably depressed too but shed been really distant so i assumed she wanted some alone time and i hate that i never realized how awful things were for her we talked last night she confessed to me she was far more depressed than shed let on and also feeling suicidal over the course of the conversation she told me she didnt feel stable enough for a relationship at the time my response was immediate i understand i love you and if you feel like thats the best thing for you i get it and i still feel like that i do love her and just want to be in her life and there for her whether its as lovers or friends but right now i just feel shitty i feel like i failed her i wasnt there for her when she was suffering and needed someone i didnt see it when i should have i feel like i dont deserve her in my life at all i hate that the breakup feels like a karmic punishment for being a trash girlfriend to her and its making it really hard to try to be there for her now i shouldnt be making it about me and keep trying to put the thoughts out of my head but theyre getting overwhelming and the worst part is i cant even talk to her about how im feeling she was already feeling guilty and the last thing i want is to make her feel that way and she has no reason to feel guilty in the first place my happiness is not her responsability she doesnt owe me anything i want to be strong i want to be someone she can confide in someone who can help in just a small simple way but i feel weak and alone and scared and i dont know if i can be the person she needs right now and thats just feeding the cycle of self loathing and regret ,pre,female
depression,2019-05-29,depressed on verge of breakup small support structure my girlfriend f of three years and i f are in a bad place right now on the verge of a break break up after she admitted to having feelings for someone else and not knowing what she wanted for our future ive been suffering from depression and anxiety since around october when one of my students passed away and my grandma started showing signs of dementia facing mortality blows my entire life and support structure is rooted in her i live with her and her parents and the vast majority of our friends were her friends first my family lives  miles away and i have maybe two good friends out here luckily those friends have been great and gave me a place to crash last night and clear my head ive done all the right things exercised more forced myself to eat enough even when i have no appetite seen therapists forced myself to go out and be social called friends back home but i just cannot sleep through the night even with nighttime medicine i keep checking my phone and wanting to talk to her even when i know we need space to figure out whether the relationship is worth salvaging or not even though the fundamental issues in the relationship are not my fault i cant help but feeling like if i had seen the red flags earlier when i was only mildly depressed we wouldnt be in the mess my heart isnt in anything right now i can barely make myself go to work and pull through the day i just gave my students some bs project because im struggling so hard to put on a happy face i dont know how people get over feeling this way i dont even want to be in my own skin anymore how do you fight through the worst days when the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away starting a new life without her feels like an insurmountable task but its one i have to prepare myself for if things dont work out ,pre,female
depression,2019-05-29,just feel so low i had to leave my career in biochemistry and nutrition research my phd and lecturing job to become the carer for my mum and dad after my dad had a mini stroke he is alcoholic because my mum is emotionally abusive and mum very suddenly and steeply declines in to dementia with lewy bodies and parkinsons social services wanted my dad y to be mums carer that just wont work or be safe as he is nearly blind and alcoholic and has balance problems from his mini stroke mum needs to people to love about and often doesnt make it to the toilet on time dad thought he was clearing up well but wasnt social services would only provide mum towel baths from then on no stair lift or downstairs wet room conversion just the understairs toilet sink mum and dad are very depressed and mum blames us for her illness and is very narcissistic always has been i had just got out of an emotionally abusive step marriage and had had years living with my step son before this happened but its all gone now im trapped back in my childhood home with mum toxic parents who i love but who are very emotionally manipulative and all consuming they have a dog and i have two so i was caring for adults dogs and my step son who tried to take his own life last year just after we moved back in with my mum and dad i found his suicide text in the morning when i woke and spent and hour looking for what i thought was a body he was still alive covered in mud on a river bank near by he had taken a massive massive overdose all of my savings went in to my education i f and feel now i will never have my own life its always full of misery and abuse ive worked so hard and overcame an eating disorder which stopped me at my first attempt to do my phd the marriage breakdown stopped my second attempt when my emotionally and sexually abusive husband became physically abusive and my stepson his son grabbed me and said we should leave i took him the dogs and fled every time i am nearly back on my feet i get swiped down i saved  working full time to put myself through uni doing masters degrees to best place me in my field to do my phd i was the module lead for two taught modules at uni and a research technician as my phd began then dad called and said mum is sick and im not coping now i breakdown at everything i walked past some sheep in a lorry near where i know there is a abattoir and i just broke down and couldnt cope with seeing them scared and huddled together as i walked my dogs trying not to step on the snails that came out in the rain life is so bloody cruel i hate it some dick just had a go at me on the streetlights sub reddit just for posting a video which apparently has been posted too many times but just having a stranger have a go really upsets me in an out of proportion way im so tired and so worn thin sorry for rambling had to tell someone my brother just walked away from the whole problem and i feel so let down and alone take care out there love to you all x,pre,female
depression,2019-08-20,suicidal tendencies can be relationship destroyers i f was hospitalized in january and nothing has been the same between my fianc m and i since i regret attempting to take my own life more than anything nothing wouldve been more selfish if i would have completed so i can understand why he cant look at me the same for the past months for the first time since we started dating years ago i feel stuck in a world where i cant tell anyone how i truly feel my therapist is a nice lady i just need to get in the habit of being more open with her instead of my fianc ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-20,boyfriends depression is ruining our relationship please help let me start off by saying that i love this man and i would do anything to make him happy i f have diagnosed cptsd and he f has diagnosed major depressive disorder hes still in the early stages of medication and treatment as he only received his diagnosis a few months ago and ive been working with mine since i was when hes well he his the kindest most thoughtful man i could ask for hes sensitive compassionate to my anxiety and supports me through it plans spontaneous dates we have fun together no matter what were doing but right now hes not doing well hes very very emotionally withdrawn his energy levels are low and he wants to sleep all day he feels like a failure in school because hes not meeting his own standards for himself even though hes doing very well by his professors standards im trying my hardest to build him up give him space come to doctors appointments if he wants me there encourage him in his career show up to his concerts hes a musician plan romantic evenings for the two of us give him affirmation i know this sounds so selfish but im struggling with not getting my emotional needs met and its weighing on me because right now he just cant meet them and i cant hold that against him he needs so much down time in between seeing people including me we dont live together that it sometimes feels like im a burden on him even though he would never say that how do i help him how do i keep myself healthy so that it doesnt affect me so badly im sorry this is such a selfish question im just so discouraged and need to know if im being ridiculous for still staying around and fighting for him ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-20,i dont know whats wrong in my head im probably in the wrong sub and youre all probably sick of seeing these type of posts so apologies in advance i f dont know if im anxious or depressed or whatever combination of the two for various reasons i cant see a doctor yet to be formally diagnosed so the internet is my next best option im not even sure where or how to start for the last few days off and on ive just been down tired angry head hurts ive been grinding my teeth again i lash out at my parents and it just feels like im hanging on by a thread and i just want to curl up in a ball and cry or just sleep i should mention that this doesnt happen all the time i have good moments i go out with friends ill feel better for a day or two but then one day ill wake up and im back in that pit i know i have anxiety but ive never checked to see if i have depression while i was in the us last two years grad school i did see a counsellor and she suggested that i have moderate anxiety and mild depression right now everything is exacerbated and amplified because i had to leave grad school and move home and at the moment im jobless and at home every time i even think about getting a job i feel my mind seize up and its like i cant speak or breathe at my worst i just want to end things the only things stopping me are my family and my religion no i cant tell my family but i wont kill myself because theyve been through and are going through enough without me adding to it and i dont have any religious person to talk to either it wont be helpful but i need a neutral third party to tell me if im imagining all this or if its real because its not always like this i have good days i go out with friends i hang out with my cousins i laugh i smile i just need help ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-20, f been depressed for years and im starting to feel ill never get better in desperate need for some advice i have anxiety and depression i started seeing a psychiatrist years ago and he prescribed me antidepressants i feel better when i take them but if when i run out of my pills or forget to take them i feel like my old depressed self again my doctor stopped my meds gradually last year and i felt fine for a month or two but after that i went right back to square one which made me feel worse because i had experienced what life was like when im not depressed i told him about this and im on my meds again he keeps telling me things will get better and itll be alright but im starting to feel i will never get better that i would have to depend on meds my whole life just to feel normal im starting to feel like this whole thing is just pointless which terrifies me and idk what to do my doctors appointment is later this week and im not sure if i should go ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-22,realizing im depressed made me even more depressed i f browsed though this subs top posts a few days ago and what is described in these posts is exactly how ive felt over the past year or maybe even longer i always told myself i wasnt depressed and just seeking attention or other people have it worse than you etc its hard to realize as i still go to work and do my thing apparently thats called functional depression and im very turbulent ive always been one week im feeling great and then out of no where im depressed for a week and want to die so theres that im depressed what do i do now ,pre,female
depression,2019-06-27,i havent gone to work in a week and a half f ive always suffered with major depressive disorder but this year has been absolute hell i have had one massive thing happen after another my depression has been so bad that its makes me physically ill resulting in my not going to work i actually love the job i currently have but its door to door sells and i also have a broken foot so not only is it mentally taxing its physically taxing too i just took a shower for the first time in days and had to sit down halfway through cause i was just so exhausted and ended up having a whole complete breakdown i just want my partner to hold me but their working for another hours and then going out with friends after i dont want them to have to cancel hanging out with their friends especially since i already feel like im such a fucking burden on everyone so i dont even want to tell them how bad i currently am i just feel so lost stupid and hopeless ,pre,female
depression,2019-06-27,i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive im f and ive had depression and anxiety for a couple years but lately its gotten so much worse im so angry all the time i see red i want to scream i just get so unreasonably angry that nothing seems worth it but the anger is accompanied by such sorrow and self hatred that i dont see the point in existing anymore my dream for so long was to be on broadway or just be in acting but im in the school production this year and i want to drop out so badly because i have no passion i have a girlfriend who i adore greatly but i dont have the energy to talk to her or to be around her i want to break up with her but when i think of a reason my mind is blank i dont like anyone else and im happy in our relationship but i guess deep down i dont think i deserve her ive pushed my family away due to my anger and though they still try to be there for me i know its hard i feel like such a burden to everyone i love that i just dont want to be alive im not suicidal i know that itd hurt my family too much if i killed myself but they barely see me anymore i sleep all the time and not because im tired i could get hours of sleep during the night and still take hour naps during the day and then still pass out for the night at when im asleep its like i dont exist anymore no worries about if my homeworks done if the kitchens clean if my room isnt messy im finally at peace with my mind but when im awake the anxieties come back the voices come back the feeling of nothingness comes back ive been suicidal and im not suicidal now because i know i couldnt do it i just wanna escape for a couple weeks just to reset maybe chuck my phone off a bridge and go on holiday to the snow when i dont have to worry if i look fat because im wearing so many layers but even then i know itd be too hard what should i do does anyone else feel like this and i know this is long and poorly written im on mobile and wrote the first half after a night of no sleep and the second after ,pre,female
depression,2019-06-27,i was doing so well until the love of my life turned abusive im just so upset right now i dont think im in a major depressive episode but ive been acting like it for sure im f i have lived with depression on off mostly on for about a decade now and have had gad as long as i can remember i had made some huge improvements at by starting ssris finishing my high school and starting university i felt like i was starting to be a human for once i met him a few years ago as coworkers i was so infatuated we wrote letters to each other he wrote poetry it was amazing i hadnt felt true love before it sounds corny i guess but its true the first half of our relationship made me believe in love i dont know if he was hiding his true nature or if something became twisted but his controlling and jealous nature became worse and eventually he became emotionally then verbally then physically abusive i knew i couldnt survive like that so after months of abuse i left him but now i cant seem to get over it its been since early may i vaguely remember the abuses but what i strongly remember is the false feeling of hope i felt for once in my life that something or someone would end up good i cant get over the guilt the memories of happiness the grief for what we were could have been we moved together to a new province and i feel very alone i feel like most people expect me to have stopped talking about him now but hes always on my mind worse he doesnt seem to be in as rough of a position as me its not fucking fair ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-07,was i that ugly in high school f what i looked like in high school https imgur com a vzxqtpw can i talk to you about something am i ugly i in high school guys would say they would sleep with but not want to be seen with me they would say im good enough to fuck but not date that they wanted me for sex and nothing more they called me a pig and said i looked they would call me a gross whore and say i smell every day they said i had a big nose and wrinkles i just so ugly im scared im scared to date again that guys would treat me this way i had an older guy date me in high school but he told me not to say to people i talk to him he would never want to hang out with me just sex he would call me annoying and weird he would imply im not attractive enough to date im so anxious now that everyone is going to treat me this way i havent dated since high school i feel like ugly trash i barely leave the house because of anxiety was i that ugly in high school what could i change will i will always be treated this way ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-07,my depression got worse since university ive f always been an emotionally complicated child but my unhappiness worsened drastically when my mother passed away from cancer around years ago after that i lost interest in almost everything and anything i used to draw create bake write cook read and feel so happy doing all these hobbies but i can barely pick up a pen now and all i do to pass the time is lie in bed and watch pointless youtube videos losing passion has made my university application so much harder i had been a high achieving student before but at the end of the year my high school results were nowhere near my expectations throughout school i did get into a bachelors though but then i had no idea what to choose as a major or what i wanted to do in life it doesnt help that my father has very high expectations for me and wants me to become a doctor lawyer throughout the application process he was silent while i needed guidance but once i randomly chose my subjects and finalised enrollment he ranted and screamed at me for being a disappointment lazy for choosing something that wouldnt land me a job i live by myself now for university and although i have friends from high school i find it hard to connect with them and it feels as if i am wearing a mask when im communicating with them i feel guilty for not being sincere with them but i know that i shouldnt burden them with my real self i also have a hard time making friends in my classes so when classes end i go home and go to sleep i sleep for hours every night ill have hour after noon naps as well on weekends i spend most of the day sleeping or lying in bed watching videos im severely depressed because i feel as if i have no direction in life the course ive chosen doesnt interest me at all and im not doing very well in it the only thing that probably gives me joy is my long distance boyfriend but everyone disapproves of the long distance i barely get to talk to him because he works during the day and high school relationships tend to end in the first term of uni im scared of losing him i feel so guilty for feeling the way i do my life isnt particularly difficult and people are often in much harder positions that i am i feel like im not worthy of being helped because i feel like im faking it but at the same time i desperately dont want to feel like this tldr sleep too much and depression due to uncertainty in life and not having any passion in university subjects ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-07,not sure what to do i have no idea why im posting this ive f just been so terribly depressed lately i work hrs a week just to still work pay check to pay check all my friends are too busy far away dont care enough to hang out with most of my friends have gotten married and started families or worked on their careers which brought them across the country or world i try hard to stay in contact but recently no one responds to my reaching out my boyfriend and i argue all the time my best friend sister in law and nieces live hours away and i havent seen them in a year cause i cant afford to travel or miss a day of work im close with my parents but havent had time to spend with them lately im sleeping too much nothing interests me ive tried to commit suicide three times in the last two years and have been inpatient all three times i go to a therapist psychiatrist and am even trying this new treatment called tms nothing works ive called into work all week this past week except one day i feel awful but i also dont care if i get fired at this point my second job is all consuming on the weekends as its a hr shift im just so tired im tired of arguing im tired of not having fun in life i have no hobbies or interests anymore i dont care about much ive tried to get my bf to break up with me because i dont deserve him and also cause i just wanna be left alone to rot i was at work tonight and had all my pills out to take instead i called the suicide hotline and she listened to me it helped me not kill my self in the moment but long term i just dont know what to do i have no motivation i just wanna disappear if you made it this far thanks for reading again ive no idea where to go from here meds inpatient treatment outpatient group therapy one on one therapy psychiatrist meditation exercise just none of it works i feel broken and like ill never be free of this pain ,pre,female
depression,2019-02-11,my f girlfriend cheated on me m with multiple people at school feels like a nuke went off inside me ive been a wreck since ack story i am and live and work on long island my now ex gf is year old junior who goes to school in suny albany my now ex gf and i have known each other for many years our families are very close with each other she and i have been hooking up on and off for the past few years and have always liked each other we didnt date at first because she was still in high school and i was in college plus the age difference i never loved anyone like this girl and couldnt believe i could like someone so much and be under their spell our official relationship began over the summer near the end of july we rarely fought and had great sex and our families were very happy we were finally together weve talked for many years about getting married and having kids however there were some red flags that i ignored early on because i was in such love with her she constantly talked about her ex boyfriends matt v and garry matt p and noah she went to school with and it kinda annoyed me if even looked at another girls snap or instagram story who was just a friend from high school she would flip out and me she was made me not use social media around her such as instagram unless i posted photos with her and delete all girls even friends off my snapchat and phone contacts she also made me also stop hanging out and talking with one of my best friends who was a girl who was basically my sister i agreed to all this because i loved her and was under her spell while i would post her on my social media such as facebook and instagram she did not put up a single post of me not to brag but she would post up pictures with my fathers nice cars and summer home but none with me ever i asked her why she didnt post me on social media shes like im gonna wait to the school semi formal to post you and no one has to know my business she also is going through lots of difficulty with her family her father used to be a major lawyer but now is a struggling drug addict in and out of jail her mother is struggling to make ends meat to send her and her sister to school and pay her mortgage i know this a bad situation but she would use it against me to get her way always with things and turn a blind eye to her childish behavior when she left for school in late august i felt everything was fine with our relationship we shared each other locations so i know where she was she is president of her sorority and would go to lots of fraternity parties and mixers on weekends most nights her location showed she made it back home other nights she would sleep downtown were the parties where i bought up my concern to her once she said she slept at her roommates cousins johnnys house i joked saying did you sleep on the couch and she got mad at me saying she needed space for the rest of the day i didnt ask her again when she slept downtown because i didnt wanna anger her more another night she posted a snapchat story of her kissing a guy on the cheek this upset me i told her to take it down she told me she wanted space again and called me controlling one night i was facetiming her late at night and one of her ex boyfriends matt v hits her up to have sex and come over i tell her to tell him she is dating me and to tell him to get lost shes like i dont wanna be that girl who tells everyone i have a boyfriend and she told me not to worry shes done with him later one that night i check her location because i had my suspicions and she was not at her apartment i checked she was at a upper class man and grad student housing complex i then call her and she didnt answer and she freaked out on me she made up the excuse she was visiting her little sister who was having an anxiety attack and didnt wanna be at school but i also had her sisters location on snap maps and she was at her freshman dorm miles away when i calculated the distance on google maps my girlfriend told me her ex boyfriend matt v lived at another student housing complex on the other side of campus and i was acting crazy and didnt trust her she got her sister to lie and tell me my girlfriend was visiting her at the dorm when she was really with matt v she wanted space from me for the next days and didnt start talking to me again until i got her sister from the train on long island and took her home my girlfriend came home towards the end of september for her sisters boyfriends father party and it was clear going to back to school changed her alot she felt like she was better and cooler than me in some way and was acting suspicious at the party she went upstairs at one point and saw her taking selfies in the mirror i grab her phone and saw that on her snapchat she was frequently sending snaps to this guy george who i knew she had a thing with she made up the excuse that he was gay and she didnt speak to me for the rest of the party we had sex later on that night and she assured to me we were exclusive and i had nothing to worry about around mid october i havent seen her in over almost month and asked if i could visit her she said no she didnt want me invading her life up there also she gave some b s excuse that i probably didnt want her to visit me when i was in undergrad she began throw a huge temper tantrum like a little child saying that i was replaceable and she would break up with me if i surprised her at albany i shouldve broke up with her then but didnt because i loved her for so long and was going to see her on thanksgiving and she said she was going to let me come up to formal at the end of the semester ends up going to formal in dec with another guy in the dress i bought her lol at the beginning of november her sister who goes to the same school spoke to me about not liking school at albany and she didnt wanna go to date night later i asked if her sister was going and she said no my gf her sister wasnt gonna be there i was confused because my girlfriend in the weeks leading up to the formal date night told me it was gonna be cancelled later on that i got a snapchat from my gf in a dress and make up which she probably didnt mean to send me i asked her why she was all dressed up and she said to me dont worry about it i asked her if she was going to date night and she said it was a first date themed party i then text her later on that night saying tell me the truth you are at date night with someone and she didnt respond her sister even told me she saw her there at the date night party them next day she texts me saying he appreciate everything i do for her but wanted to take things slow with me her excuse was she need to focus on school work i asked if we were still exclusive but she said i shouldnt worry she gave some b s excuse that she wants to get back with me and there is no time frame when we get back together i lost my mind because i felt like i did and sacrificed so much for her the next steps i took were excessive but led me to find she was cheating on me i dmed her ex boyfriend garry from school on instagram on a whim i did this because i had my suspicions he told she didnt say ever she was dating me and they had sex a few times together during the semester aslo during the summer she went over his house every thursday while she was suppose to be at work i didnt know because i worked in the city in the summer during the week while she was at his house he asked her about me and said i was just her family friend that had i crush on her but she had no feelings at all for me he said when he dated her she cheated on him a bunch he was able to prove it with a screenshot recording of her texting him to come over on our anniversary to come over at am and have sex he said he also saw her with other guys walking home some nights he also said they she has multiple guys in every frat there that she fucks aslo that her other ex boyfriend matt v lived at the housing complex i saw her on her location that night not the other one she told me and he saw her car parked there multiple times i also cant believe her little sister was in on the lies too but i found out she was also cheated on her boyfriend from back home too aslo when my girlfriend dated garry she cheated on him with the guy george she told me was gay when i finally confronted her about it and showed her the texts she sent garry with the dates and times showing her number she went crazy and denied everything saying now there was chance of us getting back together in the future and how dare i reach out to garry i also reached out to other people at her school and they all told me she said i wasnt her boyfriend when they asked just a family friend from home and they saw her hooking up with multiple people when her mom called me i told her everything about her daughter cheating on me she didnt believe it she wanted us to meet over the winter break and talk things out and be friends for now because our families are very close im just very hurt because i never loved anyone like her for so long i still have some feelings for her because i loved her for many years also im not gonna lie she is very physically attractive and the sex was amazing usually it is with the crazy ones lol i dont think ill ever get and one better than her but all my friends and close family say she is no good and i must cut her out of my life for good part of me wants me to go to her house and start yelling like crazy at her calling her derogatory names asky why she cheated im just so upset because i loved her for years and how could she do this to me i just want answer why she cheated on me tl dr girlfriend cheated on me while at school and broke up with me i feel so hurt and confused about what happened i know her and i are done forever even as just family friends but i dont know why but i am still obsessed with her and cant move on i just wanna yell and scream at her feel like i didnt get any closure ,pre,female
depression,2019-02-11,i m dont feel anything for my wife f anymore weve been married years in march have kids and have gone from broke college students to relatively well off shes a full time sahm but stays super busy with lots of community involvement some kid related some not she is a very nice and well intentioned person shes kind to her friends generous shes a good mom too im miserable from depression work woes my parents situation etc recently in the last year ive left our shared faith due to a number of building circumstances that have rendered me faithless she was on the couch crying yesterday i dont know for what reason and i just didnt care i didnt try to comfort her and basically ignored it this definitely wasnt the first time im heartless and i dont know why i feel repulsed when i get a tiny notion to try harder i am not mean or nasty to her im just take up space she craves physical attention but i just dont want to give her that i feel this pulling away feeling every time it comes up i know im the asshole here and im not sure what i should do i love my kids and i pour all my energy into being a good dad but theres really nothing left for her we disagree on a lot of topics our intimacy is dead and im just blah she deserves someone better than me i think the right choice is to leave her but i just cant find the strength of will to do anything about it maybe i just like being miserable im on some new meds in the last months and i see a psychiatrist for my depression im not naive enough to think this isnt interconnected so maybe i need to talk to her again soon i tried to call for an appointment and left a message because no one answered it was really discouraging today i hoped i would get in a car accident and die then the kids would grow up with fond memories of me before they get old enough to realize im not a great person my wife would be able to remarry someone better and id be done and dusted im too much of a coward to actually make it happen but it sure would be nice to have an easy way out of all this ,pre,female
depression,2019-02-11,first step towards beating persistent depressive disorder pdd i finally got diagnosed with pdd three weeks ago but actually it had been going on for almost a decade without me knowing and the damage to my life has been staggering f i lost my old self that carefree happier go lucky person as a kid and essentially became an adult who finds it hard to laugh at things other people laugh easily about having a boring unenthusiastic and unexcited personality so my first step was to go get medicated again with antidepressants and today i took my second step imma gonna try to do zumba hardcore aerobic dance times a week for about months and see how it goes went to my first class today and ill tell ya it really does kinda make u feel happier dancing with all the people together trying to follow the super enthusiastic instructor it loosens u up for a short while as of now because its my first lesson i didnt feel as tense as i did in the morning always wake up with oh crap its another day but im feeling relaxed and happier at the end of the day i used to love dancing and it was the reason i lived then major depression and social anxiety prevented me from being stable in a dance team so i stopped for years never was the same again im doing this because i dont want to give up on life i know its really easier said than done its so much harder to keep persevering and keep going when ure not sure if you can beat it im sure many of you feel this way but regular exercise really helps even more than meds so treat chronic depression like any other chronic illness u need exercise and u get better with time just wanted to share this mini progress with yall maybe some yall interested folks can join me too beat depression with zumba dance adrenaline pumping sports exercises ,pre,female
depression,2019-02-11, f diagnosed with depression and anxiety feeling drawn to risky behavior this is my first time posting here i have been managing my depression and anxiety well with medication therapy and lifestyle changes however recently i have been dabbling in risky behavior i know is wrong i am drinking too much driving when i shouldnt not sleeping going to work late picking fights with my spouse etc logically i see the pattern of behavior and know it is bad for me but i cant explain why i am doing it or make myself stop i feel like things are unraveling like i am self destructing has anyone been through a similar pattern any insight or advice you can share would be great ,pre,female
depression,2019-09-20,i dont want to be isolated forever for whatever reason ive always found it difficult to make and hold on to friends im not easy to get to know im shy and ive gotten more private as ive f gotten older i spent most of my high school years very isolated because i didnt know how to talk to people or make friends and i had extremely low self esteem and crippling social anxiety i was able to make two very good friends in high school but one moved away after my freshman year and then i moved away from my other friend a year later because my mom passed away i kept in contact with each of them for a couple years after last seeing them but at some point they each just stopped responding to me since then its been years since i last spoke to either of them i dont really open up to people ive struggled with severe depression and anxiety for the last years and most of the time it consumes my life so i feel like i cant really make any new friends because i dont want them to know how sad my life is and im afraid theyll feel smothered or wont want to be friends with me like my last two friends but because i never try to open up to people im left with very shallow relationships with the friends i do have its left me really fucking isolated today at work someone asked me if i had any plans this weekend and i said not really my girlfriend has to bring a bunch of work with her this weekend and they said maybe you can hang out with friends then to which i honestly for once said i have a hard time making friends and the ones i do have i dont really hang out with very often then an awkward pause and an interruption from another coworker and change of subject thanks for reading if you did tldr im desperate for friendship but dont know how to or too afraid to open up to people just a rant mostly ,pre,female
depression,2019-09-20,a great day i f am posting here for the first time i have been going through a severe depressive phase since the beginning of this year and also broke up with my partner during that time things have been looking downhill for many months now since the last week i started dating a classmate of mine who ive had feelings for for a long time he is one of the best people i know and has been so supportive and sweet to me he knows about my situation we have been close friends for about a year now just this one week has been a whirlwind of happy feelings i did have a withdrawal for one day but he was more than helpful in talking me through my feelings and assuring me that he would not run for the hills we spent a long time together today and it has been one of the best days in a long time i know it seems too early but i think i love him feelings which i think are definitely reciprocated we watched harry potter and the philosophers stone went out for a long drive and ate pizza i feel so relaxed and usually when that happens is when all the dark thoughts rush in but now i cant stop smiling and reminiscing today it feels great that i have an ally in my life to help me get better ,pre,female
depression,2019-09-20,looking for advice to give my struggling little brother hi all sadly my f little brother m has been having a really hard time of it to the point where hes left his second year of university and is currently staying with my older brother in another city his anxieties started from a deep unhappiness with his path in terms of not feeling like he has close friends there that his hard work isnt paying off his program isnt fulfilling crippling self doubt thats so uncharacteristic coupled with a recent bad conflict split with an on again off again girlfriend his symptoms include a complete inability to think rationally he sends me long rambling philosophical texts at am and because he cant switch his brain off and focus he zones out frequently like the lights are on but no one is home he also cant sleep and most recently has begun hallucinating and genuinely just exhibiting the kind of scary behaviour that points to a psychotic episode obviously not looking for a diagnoses here but it looks like hes going to sit this semester out my parents are flying from another country to come see him get him treated then bring him home we will all be together as of tomorrow my question is how would you like to be supported if this were you he knows my whole family knows whats going on and has mobilized to help him because we love him so much but i havent yet had the chance to really talk to him i dont want to downplay or belittle how he feels but i also dont want to make a huge deal of it and freak him out more ive also had my own struggles a therapist once suggested i was bipolar but i dont really believe this as i think i just went through an isolated incident of a particularly rough patch but i feel like sharing my stuff could be unhelpful i dont want him to think that im dismissing this as run of the mill or normal and that hell get over it eventually do i encourage him to do things that i know would help ie we used to run together and he has stopped being physically active or is it better to not push would he rather i act normal or acknowledge whats going on tl dr brothers going through an episode and need tips on how to best support him lt ,pre,female
depression,2019-09-20,my gf f broke up with me m a week before i uprooted my life and moved an hour and a half from everyone close to me she broke up with me for being an asshole to her and our lives revolving around each other which they did we try talking again and it was going well but i just wanted to be exclusive while we were trying to make it work and she wasnt for it she says she has fomo she broke up with me a week before we were moving an hour away from everyone close to me and my job now im stuck in this lease right next to where she lives now and everyone she knows so shes living it up while i have to drive an hour and a half to go out we lived together for almost years i really just thought i was gonna marry this girl and that was that but now its completely flipped im a good looking guy but im just scared ill never find that connection again im scared of waiting around for her as well but im just having a tough time moving on its been a couple months she was honestly perfect throughout the relationship until the end and it just fucks with me that i ruined it im just really scared ill never get over it and never find love like that again are these normal thoughts will they go away how do people deal with being with people for years and then divorce feel like i would just wanna die at that point im in a dark place and thinking about doing something drastic like moving across the country or something but im fucking stuck here for years right now im on the verge of breaking down and just want to ask her to hangout because she helped me so much when i had low points in the relationship i know she would still be there for me if i told her i needed her right now but idk if thats a good idea or not i just cant take it right now hate my life right now hopefully itll get better,pre,female
depression,2019-01-08, f shifting emotions constantly am i going crazy or just need a change clearly i need to be worried but i think i just need an outlet for all of this and see if anyone can relate or something i dont know the reality im f married for six years and have a great family support system as well as an education and a job that is stable sure im in debt from school but im taking steps to alleviate that and we are on a good path to start a family my husband and i have a bit of a rocky past but overall things are going very well for us we are working to get healthier and are actively trying for a baby im also on mg lexapro daily three weeks ago dropped to mg from mg after i said i didnt feel much of a difference after going up in the first place the situation okay so ive been medicated for mild depression and anxiety for about two years now but these last six months or i have been feeling different my emotions shift throughout the day multiple times a day often in a single hour i go from feeling completely hopeless regarding my relationship considering what i would need to do to end things to thrilled that weve been talking about having a baby at the next ill hop on pinterest to design a nursery only start trickling into suicidal thoughts ten minutes later we are planning a big european vacation next year that im incredibly happy about but within moments i will be near tears because im nearly and havent really amounted to much i mentioned suicidal thoughts but i dont even know if it can be called that ill just sort of feel burned out and want to not do life anymore because i want to avoid disappointment these little moments will linger for minutes at a time no longer than an hour and something will draw my attention back to what makes me happy and ill be fine for a while again ive never formulated a plan or acted on these thoughts but i do get upset thinking about how it would hurt my family if i were not around i feel completely out of touch with reality at one moment but in the next moments i am calm and serene and happy the rate that my moods are shifting tells me that something is clearly off but i cannot narrow down exactly what is going on is it the medication im on the environment im in an underlying issue i know that reddit cannot diagnose an issue or tell me exactly what is going on so im mostly looking for anyone that has had similar feelings or perhaps someone that has been on the same medication or same age that can offer some feedback i feel like this post is all over the place and im sorry for that im typically articulate and concise when writing but looking back this just seems a mess tldr i want to die sometimes but i also want to start a family wtf is wrong with me ,pre,female
depression,2019-01-08, f im moving to a new state by myself and terrified i have a few more days left and id love any advice you have to offer to help ease the transition when i already struggle with my mental health im moving for a year or so forever if i love it but most likely short term to experience living somewhere new because im not very happy with where i am in life saying goodbye to my coworkers has been extremely difficult and leaving everyone i know is heartbreaking but i need to learn how to be more independent my coworkers are pretty much my only friends and since i graduated i need to leave the company regardless the thing im most worried about is not having people to talk to about genuine things it takes a while to really get to know people and i hate pretending like i dont struggle with depression with surface level friendships im scared of loneliness even though i often feel it here please let me know if you have any tips i dont know anyone where im moving but im a friendly person who usually makes friends quickly when i have the situation opportunity to ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-13,im struggling again im a f and have been depressed for years at this point the issue im having right now is anxiety im months from graduating from my degree and ive realised i dont want to do it anymore i feel like im letting everyone down because im fortunate enough to be able to walk into a job in that profession and have worked so hard to be here i hate this and ive taken sick leave for a week and im going back to do an practical shift tonight im struggling the course is an intense healthcare based one and a patient died a few weeks back and it was my first one really i dont know what to do without disappointing everyone i feel so numb yet incredibly anxious ive got that feeling in the pit of my stomach and the middle of my chest and i dont want to do a hour shift tonight but i have to my lifes good ive got a boyfriend who loves me family who supports me i dont have many financial worries and i just dont know why i feel like this yet again i just needed to get this off my chest with no judgement ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-08,i just realized my mom knew i had depression and refused to treat me im f been dealing with some sort of depression for i dont know how long decided to seek treatment by myself when my situation got really bad after i moved out for college my psychiatrist is still trying to figure out the right diagnosis because all the antidepressants we tried dont seem to work for long a mood stabilizer worked much better though but its not helping as much as it should after two years im still trying to find a therapist i actually like i was talking to my aunt about my and my younger sisters treatment and she told me how she noticed ever since we were small something was off with us she begged my mom to take us to a therapist she even took me to therapy herself when i was a kid but it was no use without my mom actually being there she straight up refused to go we got worse as we grew older and my aunt was still trying to convince my mom my moms response to all of it go mind your own business this brought back memories from when i was about my mom accusing me that my behaviour wasnt normal that i was depressed and her solution was to take me to some random doctor to prescribe me some meds without actually diagnosing me and i never took them she has depression and anxiety herself she treats it with meds alone because she doesnt believe in therapy i love her and i really sympathize with her because shes always so overloaded with work and with her responsibilities as a parent of four children with a useless father i never blamed her for her shortcomings as a parent but why in the living fuck would she not try to treat me when i was younger im so angry right now im struggling so much and i might actually fail college my life would be so much easier now if i went to a proper professional when i showed my first signs of trouble money isnt even an issue because we have a pretty good insurance and would never have to pay for anything just meds she has depression herself for fucks sake she knows how much it can fuck you up why on earth would you not treat your children for a disorder you have yourself i dont even know if ill bring it up to her her life is hard enough already and i dont wanna put a strain on our relationship but i find this inexcusable and really needed to vent tl dr my aunt begged my mom to get me some help ever since i was young my mom refused and tried to get me medicated without a proper diagnose mom has depression herself now my life is all fucked up and this could all be avoided if she had gotten her head out of her ass ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-08, f living the life secretly lonely and sad not so much living the life as i lost my full time job and moved back home now part time at a bar i love however without being a brag im usually the life of the party who you invite along to make things fun thats it regularly going to gigs travelling getting up to crazy mischief and im always told ive never met someone like you dude youre insane etc well thats cool and all the alcohol and drugs mightve just been masking it all along jesus fuck am i lonely no one ever seems to get close enough to really be close whether its friends or the multiple girls guess im tired of being used for just a good time kinda want a hug and to be told im enough being me is exhausting this is soppy but maybe someone to just tell me to stop you dont need to be crazy party goer anymore come cuddle and relax ,pre,female
depression,2019-06-13,i hate myself i feel like damaged goods f when i was years old this man named jake who was took advantage of me when i was blacked at a party i didnt know anyone there and they had brought me it was all seniors and college kids i had five shots of vodka one of them told me were leaving to have sex i was so drunk and confused i just said yes and left they took me to a different house and had me more alcohol they told me to take off my clothes and i did they got naked and told me to suck their dicks they were and they tried to take photos of me i told them to stop one of them put me on a bed and penetrated me i bled and i said it hurt they finished the next day they told all their friends they called me weird gross disgusting ugly and a whore i felt so ashamed and like damaged goods for a long time it was my fault because i said yes they said they thought i wanted it and thought it was okay because they heard rumors i like having sex with multiple guys i was bullied a lot in high school and slut rumors were spread of me before all that happened he was helpful to me and would hang out with me after he would only have sex with me if he was drunk and ignore me the rest of the time he would never want to talk to me only about sex he left for the military over the years he kept in contact with me and saw me when he came home sometimes he would only want to talk to me about sex or photos he cheated on his girlfriend with me i didnt know they were dating he would have sex with me and ignore me i went on vacation once and my phone broke he sent me at least messages and was mad i didnt respond he always implied that i was attractive enough to fuck but not date he told me he sleeps with a lot of other women hes hooked up with a lot of girls from our highschool two years ago he had a girlfriend i moved states and was trying to move on with my life he texted me i didnt know he had a girlfriend but when he told me i stopped all contact except for saying i dont feel comfortable talking to him with a girlfriend for weeks he asked me why i was ignoring him and asking if he broke up with his girlfriend if wed be cool again i ignored he broke up with his girlfriend i kept ignoring he started sending old pics of me of us hooking up its pictured he started taking of me without asking of me giving him head im a teenager hell send them to me sometimes saying dont you miss this i kept ignoring he got a new girlfriend now its been four years since ive seen him he started messaging me telling me he misses me so much that im beautiful and he wants to me again at first he was acting like he was apologizing for harassing me and asking to leave things on good terms ive known him for six years and just wanted things to be normal then he started coming on to me i just went off i called him a rapist a coward waste of space awful person i said a lot of peoples lives would be better if he were just gone that i wish i never met him that hes a sociopath he said he was going to block me so i stopped assuming he would stop messaging me he lives with his girlfriend theyve been together for almost two years now its been three months i blocked his number but hes been trying to email me i blocked email it still shows up in spam he says hey and asks if im going to freak out on him again i keep ignoring today he sent me another email saying hey why wont this person leave me alone i said the meanest things i could think of to him why not cheat with someone else should i look into taking legal action or am i overdramatic ,pre,female
depression,2019-06-13,struggling with depression fianc m broke up with me f because ive put him trough too much i am writing this totally devastated i know i put myself in this position i know logically that i made the choices that ended up my relationship with the person i love the most in the world why does it feel like every time i make the wrong choice i am on the passenger seat why i cannot get control of myself and make the right choices why is it so damn hard to get up on time why is it so hard to be mindful why is so hard to be productive and driven i have promised him i was going to work on it and i tried but failed every time and he doesnt deserve to be treated that way he didnt deserved to go through all of that i made him go through that and he still loved me i fucked up once again and again and he will talk to me and we will figure it out and he will be supportive and then i would relapse again and convince myself it wasnt a big deal because i will keep working on it it was a big deal it was the last straw i lied to him about something i thought innocuous but ive had fractured his trust to the point he doesnt believe me or wants anything to do with me anymore we had the house we were gonna live in i had ruined that house for him he hates the home we had plans of building he told me he hates me now i have made the person who loved me the most hate me i am sick i am a bad person i have made all this choices and i deserve all that rejection i dont want to end our relationship because i love him more than anything but i have failed to show up for him and he deserves better than me i have no idea how to process anything right now i am having a meltdown i am not close to friends and family and neither is he i allowed my depression to take hold of my life to the point of losing the most important person to me i cant see anything in front of me anymore i dont know how to deal with anything right now ,pre,female
depression,2019-06-13,im going to the doctor for the first time in years advice appreciated if anyone has any as my title states im f finally going to take care of myself i am so determined to get it over with i have had so many health problems i have just been completely ignoring i also need to go to the eye doctor next ive literally never even had my eyes checked but my vision has gotten a lot worse the past few years and after that the dentist i have a tooth that i know needs to be pulled it all kept piling up and it just turned into too much its really so embarrassing i work full time have plenty of friends and im even married long distance when people notice my bad health or my messy house i just feel so ashamed for once i just need some encouragement and understanding to help me get through this one step at a time i just hit an all new low since i came back from vacation a month ago i live in filth and have been eating nothing but junk food i literally gained lbs im stressed about my taxes i never filed the money i owe collections work drama pretty bad relationship problems being separated from my dog a few payments i need to call and cancel filing for low income medical all such small things and it just sounds like way too much and i just cant help but feel defeated anyway i take my first baby step tomorrow morning im going to the doctor ,pre,female
depression,2019-06-13,asking for virtual hugs i f have felt pretty lonely for quite a while in high school it was a socially isolated kinda loneliness i was the book smart nerdy girl who dedicated all her time to getting straight as to satisfy a deeply rooted need for perfection and mask the fact that i didnt have a real friend group or social life i wanted one but i didnt feel like i connected with people it didnt help that social interactions exhausted me i remember coming home from a friends house one day and just crying junior senior year this got a little better especially when i pushed my way into those cliche rebellious teen activities drinking and smoking with my peers made me feel like one of them not in a peer pressure way just in a breaking out of my comfort zone kinda way i also developed some friendships a bit more last fall i started college and shit took a turn for the worst i felt so isolated and spent a lot of time on my dorm bed too depressed to move i started sneaking sips of vodka here and there there were a lot of factors to my depression including some grief and trauma but the loneliness was by far the worst part things got bad and then almost too bad but i managed to get on ssris over fall break going into spring semester aided by lexapro i decided to take charge and try new things like many young women i have a pretty complicated relationship with my body for a pretty long time i really beleived that no man would ever be interested in me sexually like i viewed myself as some sort of atrocity these body image issues coupled with a reputation as the not super social book smart girl kept me from being sexually active in high school come spring semester i did the obvious thing and downloaded tinder dont get me wrong im really fucking horny all the time and thats a big reason ive been having a lot of casual sex but theres other reasons as well its nice just to be in someones arms really cuddling fucking rocks but i still feel lonely afterwards because of how casual it all is my hookups whether one time or ongoing have all been with college seniors and sometimes even with guys a bit older so obviously nothing serious has come of any of these even though ive sometimes felt feelings i find i feel loneliest when i think about whether or not these guys actually appreciate my company or just see me as a body its funny because i never thought this would end up being a concern because i couldnt fathom that men would be attracted to me after years of hating my body learning that i can be attractive and even sexy just feels so exciting ive even gotten pretty into sending nudes in the absence of actual emotional connection ive become kinda an attention whore i guess the summary of this cluster fuck of a paragraph is that casual sex reminds me of my loneliness but i keep doing it because a im horny and b it makes me temporarily less lonely sex life aside spring semester was more socially fulfilling than fall i got much closer to two of the guys on my hall and i feel comfortable opening up to them not in quite this much detail but they know much more about my life than most people and thats been pretty nice but even with them i still feel lonely all the time like i could be sitting with them spilling my deepest shit and feel completely alone so fast forward to right now here i am alone in my house while my parents away meowing back and forth with my cat please send virtual hugs ,pre,female
depression,2019-10-21,seriously im not living f i had always feel this way and i dont really know when all this started i used to be a happy child with friends interests dreams and hopes extremely positive about life etc now i have nothing of this during high school i started feeling really nihilistic i wasnt interested in studying and started to suffer from depression and eating disorders undiagnosed but i used to spent all day in bed just doing nothing when i wasnt in a catatonic state i usually spent my day binging on food and then throwing everything up i wasnt bad at school i just didnt excel i had no interest in it finally finish high school with  im from italy we take a final exam who reassume years of studies and then nothing just survive i didnt take university in consideration in my mind i wasnt good enough for any faculties now i live with my boyfriend in another state spending my days doing basically nothing wake up coffee shower couch hours on instagram watching all the amazing stuff other people do smoke weed while watching netflix till am then bed and all over again i have no hobbies no job no interest in having a family one day i just dream about doing a lot of things start university then realise im not good enough and i will be surrounded by younger people who will judge me pastry school im passionate about vegan desserts but in my mind thats just get rid of money cause im not worth it travel alone but im too anxious to really do it just everything im afraid of doing anything and i know i am nothing but a burden to my boyfriend as i was for my family before i left home i am unable to make friends or just socialize with people im tired i wanna live but i dont know how to start its extremely frustrating and the only concrete solution i ever found since i was yo is kill my self but guess what im not able to do it like everything else honestly i dont think someone is gonna read all of this shit i wrote but i needed to do it in this overpopulated world im only a waste of space oxygen resources food my only hope is to find a way for exit this limbo or the courage to make an end to my life ,pre,female
depression,2019-10-21, tw f cant cope with the reality that i tried to kill myself so im sharing what happened in hopes that itll help me come to terms with it im an alcoholic and i abuse benzos horrible i know i had been drinking vodka almost the entire day and then decided to take like xanax and also a couple ambiens it was about in the morning at this point and i wanted to die but also didnt i kind of was just like fuck it im drunk and ill just take all these pills who cares if i die or not fucking depression man well i guess i ended up leaving my apartment for reasons i will never know a blessing in disguise truly and was brought to the er because someone supposedly found me passed out unconscious right outside my complex and called i very vaguely remember talking to a paramedic and getting into an ambulance but i dont remember the ride to the hospital or talking to any doctors or any of that i do remember them making me take off all my bracelets and necklaces and even my earrings and they took my bag which had my phone and keys and id in it and locked it all up i woke up hours later and had been hooked up to an iv and had oxygen supplied thru my nose and honestly it gives me chills thinking about it there was a social worker in the room the entire time i guess this is required by law since they assumed it was a suicide attempt and i later learned from the doctor that my blood alcohol content was a when i got to the er when i was still intoxicated i guess i had told them i had taken pills too although the drug screening didnt pick up anything for some reason and after a lot of persuasion on my end they actually didnt me and ended up discharging me that night probably a poor decision but i just really wanted to go home but the medical record discharge paper i left with which is still on my nightstand haunts me they marked the reason for my visit as suicidal ideation and alcohol and benzodiazepine abuse it technically was an overdose whether intentional or not but okay well afterwards i simply called an uber back home from the hospital and that was it this happened wednesday and its now monday and i still havent been able to process it i wish i could somehow find out more about what happened when i was too blacked out on my end to know what was going on id also like to know who called when they found me i dont know if ill ever truly mentally recover from this part of me wants to try again because i cant cope with it but most of me is too scared to end up in that situation for the second time fucking depression man ,pre,female
depression,2019-10-21,can it just end already i f told my parents that i need help but all they did was scold me for being weak i tried to open up to them but all they do is criticise me i have like one friend but she cant do shit about my situation either i go to this place for lessons and my parents are the one who want me to go they literally dont let me skip it even if i have tests or ia deadlines the next day i take the ib big yikes well i feel really unsafe in the lesson place thingy lately cuz one of the tutors keep throwing sexual innuendo comments at me as well as joking about me to like guys from my class in front of me as well as guys from other classes hes middle aged has a family i told my step mom but she just laughed it off saying that its normal for a middle aged man to do things like that after i told them this they still make me go to that same place i cant go anywhere i mean yes my moms around but she has her own troubles financial problems and theres this whole ass drama on her side rn cuz they found out my grandpa has a mistress i go for these lessons x a week and i really dont feel safe at all what can i do no calling the police wont work cuz my dad has quite an influence as hes a politician thats how he got custody of me in the first place ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-22,bf is depressed getting worse everyday refuses to get help not sure if this is the right subreddit but point me to another if so throwaway account tl dr at the end english is not my first language but i think you will understand me my f bf m and i have been together for years now he is a wonderful calm handsome funny and smart person full jackpot if you ask me since the day we met he always had that gloomy sad vibe to him but you know i just found it mysterious and interesting weve been dating for a few months everything was awesome hanging out everyday having awesome sex life best friends in general as the time went by he was opening more and more about his past very abusive childhood was left alone at the very early age money struggles etc and he admitted to suffer from depression he has been diagnosed by a professional but not taking any medication or going to therapies i noticed that he had some pretty bad days sometimes when he would close himself in his apartment and wouldnt answer my calls messages or door rings few days later he would just appear out of nowhere like nothing happened and we would go on with our lives i always tried to talk to him about it but he always refused he would even go home from our meeting if i was too pushy but it was happening about once in two months and after that we could function normally i guessed he just needed some time alone sometimes to clear his head and relax after a year or so those periods become more frequent like twice a month our relationship was still the same love birds but had sex only once in a month tried to talk to him but refused and blamed it on stress things were getting worse but he stopped closing himself in and instead just started telling me he feels bad or very bad i tried to take most of his daily tasks off of his back like cooking making appointments paying bills etc so he would feel less stressed about daily life now after years since we met we barely talk about anything about him only about movies reddit events people we know etc when were not together we dont talk at all not responding to my messages calls or anything just an occasional i feel very bad last time we had sex was months ago and before that we had sex times last year not that its the most important thing but you know i noticed it for months now ive been trying to gently guide him towards therapy or gp doctor just to check if everything is alright or if there is any solution to his problems but he just brushes it off by saying i hate talking and it doesnt help i tried past couple of weeks ive tried a more aggressive way saying i will make his doctors appointment go with him or anything he just has to get up and put his shoes on no today his only message to me was i dont expect it to get better just give up we barely meet once a week in the contrary of meeting every day before talk even less because he just lays in his bed every day after work i tried to give him some space but he would just ignore me for a week and then send me dont you love me anymore so i guess thats not what he wants he doesnt have anybody but me no family or close friends what should i do how can i show him that there is a solution to his worries and feelings but i need his cooperation ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder too so i tried to talk to him from my personal experience medications changed my life therapy not so much but he thinks im not that depressed as he is tl dr bf is severely depressed but refuses any medical help because it doesnt help things are getting critical how can i push him towards getting professional help ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-22,i dont know what to do with myself im f and i moved home from college in another state about a month ago ive been dealing with depression and anxiety for over a year now and i was only getting worse while i was there withdrawing was probably the right thing to do but i feel ashamed and guilty not to mention until my job here at home starts i have the house to myself while my family is at work school but i spend my days doing absolutely nothing i end up binging and watching tons of tv playing animal crossing etc even though i want to do something productive something i can feel even a little bit accomplished for ive sensed for a long time that i have no direction in life yet now that i have time to figure things out i dont even have the self awareness the confidence or the motivation to pursue a hobby what should i do any advice is appreciated ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-22,i dont know whats wrong with me good day im f i dont have any close friends the only person in this world i think truly love me is my mom i think im addicted to her whenever shes gone to a business trip it just worries me if shell be okay or not if she shouts at me i would most likely cry and feel suicidal being playful with her lightens my day a little bit i can let go of any worry i have and cry away with her except this one one thing that hit me today is what shes said to me that can be roughly translated to if im gone there wont be anybody for me i know that she didnt mean it to be damaging but somehow it make me feels uneasy and scared i know this will come true eventually whether unexpectedly or not and now im just crying with that my current solution is to find a love one who is equivalent to her or at least almost the same ive been trying for many years i think i have found one but due to his financial circumstances he couldnt afford to come to see me anymore and he wouldnt except my help so hes decided to break it off with me ever since then ive been all but successful i think my standards arent that high either but most people just dont click with me they usually arent back and forth when i hit things off or they have an utterior motive i might be still young to you but in my head the clock is always ticking i know that its not set in stone that that person will stay with me for live but i couldnt help but want it the one think that separates this kind of love to my moms is its warm fuzzy and it makes my heart alive at least to my head i have a good job and hobbies to distract myself most of the time i also dont hate myself as much as i did in the past and that have helped me a lot i was diagnosed with depressed and got treated but every now and then i get depressed about this stuff is this normal or am i being too needy is it wrong that i need this kind of validation maybe im being a coward fearing solitude sometimes i really feel like chester b was right for ending this pain the way he did and that i should do the same its an easy way out but it does the trick what should i do i hate waiting for something to happen without me doing anything i dont want to give up but sometimes i feel like i should sorry if its a mess to understand thanks for reading ,pre,female
depression,2019-09-17,app to track depression and mental health hi all im working with a biotech firm on an app to help people with depression track their mental health and monitor manage their symptoms if you have depression wed love to hear your input on how we can tailor the app to what you need weve developed a quick minute survey that will help us create something useful thanks in advance for your help https docs google com forms d e faipqlschny ebpdjtshhfzdbux oz jtbkwrndwis ueuirak worw viewform usp sf link https docs google com forms d e faipqlschny ebpdjtshhfzdbux oz jtbkwrndwis ueuirak worw viewform usp sf link ,pre,female
depression,2019-09-17,the serious downs after a good period i f have been depressed for a few years now depression isnt my only diagnosis but its the most important one in this post i never understood how i could get so seriously down in what seems like a split second after such a good period a good period being when i can cope with my negative thoughts and use healthy coping mechanisms for the times i dont know anymore i can feel true happiness and excitement in a good period but then some small trigger comes by and i feel worthless again like i dont deserve anything else but being full of hate for myself and my thoughts i hope that by posting this i can get some sort of support and see that i might not be the only one that gets into downs that quickly like i become suicidal without wanting to die and i do have seriously good professional help around me but they dont understand it like the community does you know hugs f ,pre,female
depression,2019-02-06,considering anti depressants im f ive had depression since i was officially recently diagnosed with anxiety as well i finally started therapy again in november after only going to a handful of sessions as a teenager its still soon i think to say if its working or not im tempted to quit give up but i feel like if i do i will kill myself not imediately but i feel like thats what is going to happen initially i told my therapist i didnt want to be perscribed anything as i fear the side effects i always have fucked up side effects from medication cold syrup alone has made me hallucinate from less than one ml difference in the dose anyway im reconsidering my initial stance on the issue but im not sure if i should or not i still fear side effects but i know im likely brain damaged from untreated clinical depression ,pre,female
depression,2019-08-26,im m so incredibly lonely scared and hopeless its been over two months since my wife f ended our relationship she was everything to me my best and only real friend for years i miss her so much i want to call and text her but its not that way anymore shes seeing someone else right now has feelings for somebody else none for me and im not emotionally stable we have kids the youngest is going to pre k all day this year after i drop her off at school im by myself until i pick her up hours later i came home today forced myself to eat a yogurt cup and tried to go back to sleep i slept in our small bedroom closet it was dark and cramped but i felt safest there i got up an hour and a half ago because i didnt want my wife to come home to dirty dishes unfolded laundry and a messy house i didnt want to disappoint her again but i didnt do anything i just read on my phone i tried calling my dad the only family i have besides my wife and kids the only person i can talk to but he didnt pick up he lives hours away so i cant even go see him i thought about texting talking to a neighbor friend but ive already imposed myself too much in the past few days i dont want to scare them away i cant see my therapist until next week i called my case manager to see if they could set me up with another in the mean time and they couldnt i havent worked in over a year and a half and after talking with a lawyer i wont ever be able to get a legal job again i would even settle for a job at mcdonalds making minimum wage at this point just anything to make me feel like im not a worthless burden on my family that i can contribute something that im a human being ive been having to ration my medications because i cant afford a full months supply at i take a day supply so i have for food for us or gas i desperately need someone to hold me while i cry right now i had an anxiety attack yesterday and i asked her to hold me she did but i didnt want her to let me go im a year old father of and i need someone to sit with me and talk with me hold me care for me i want my wife back so badly i dont even have the opportunity to throw myself into a job save money and build a new life past this one i have to rely on my wife who isnt in love with me anymore how long will this last when will i lose my kids ive been thinking about suicide more and more i dont want to hurt my kids that way though thats the only thing thats keeping me alive but how do i get out of this i cant even support myself and i watch my wife leave almost every night now she doesnt sleep at home anymore most of the week the kids get to her and im falling apart i cant do this not by myself im not strong enough for the kids and i wont put this on them how do i get out of this alive ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-18,please help f ive noticed that my depression anxiety skyrocket at certain times in my menstrual cycle its been really bad ever since getting on birth control im going to call planned parenthood tomorrow to see if theres a different brand i can get but i also have a lot of unresolved issues that fuel these little episodes that dont really seem to come up until then i want to go to therapy maybe even try antidepressants again but i have no idea where to start i have no insurance quite sure i dont qualify for state insurance this i will check but im sure i wont qualify so just assume i dont for now and just dont know how to find resources for anything like this i work a full time job and will be going to school in the fall i live with my boyfriend i also live in se wisconsin if that helps location wise ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-18,new antidepressants dragging me into a dark place i f have been on mg of duloxetine for about months then a few months ago we added mg of abilify which combined really helped with my anxiety but not my depression since my anxiety was fairly under control we decided to add mg wellbutrin to the cocktail since ive started on wellbutrin weeks ago i have been in a very dark place i have been having the worst negative thoughts about myself and i cant get out of this horrible fog i understand that depression temporarily worsening when adjusting to a new antidepressant is common so im gonna wait it out and see if it starts to help eventually in the meantime how do you guys cope with this any advice or tips for holding on during these especially dark days i just need a little hope to hold on to ,pre,female
depression,2019-07-18, f having a really difficult time dealing with social interaction i feel like they can see that im down and seemingly want to make me feel worse i know we all feel like people dont like us sometimes but lately ive realized it feels like everyone doesnt like me or is actively trying to cut me down it takes a great deal of energy every single day to go to work and smile and be kind and banter ive told one coworker of my feelings recently and he was extremely surprised saying im one of the calmest happiest people he knows and then i come home to my boyfriend and even though he is an incredible guy it feels like hes doing the same thing judging me and calling me out he isnt though i know this has a lot to do with how i was raised and the kind of talk i was used to does anyone have tips on how to improve my social energy honestly my current method isnt healthy all i ever crave when i get home from work or the gym or family events is a good big meal and then to knock myself into a food slumber tl dr social interaction is wearing me extremely thin and i often feel as if those around me are trying to hurt me even if i know deep down most of them are not,pre,female
depression,2019-10-17,they took me off my meds looking for any help f was on venlafaxine effexor for months they tapered me off in weeks which felt way too fast i hope its temporary but the withdrawals are kicking my ass and i could use some kind words support advice i literally cant drive anywhere because of the dizziness from the brain zaps and i cant talk to single human soul about anything without crying even when im alone i just randomly start crying and get random fits of rage where i just throw everything around and punch things this is not normal for me my appetite is completely gone so ive had maybe  in the past days and when i do eat i feel sick after if you actually read all this stuff youre an angel and i thank you,pre,female
depression,2018-12-12,i f think im at wits end saturday night i went out with my boyfriend m to his friends party and basically detached and was full of internal panic for hours im pretty introverted and hate big loud groups of people i dont know but im usually pretty good at tolerating it however this time i dont know what happened that panic from being out has never happened before my brother m and dad m cant get along making it seem like world war in my house ended up yelling at them sunday night because its not fair that my mom f and i have to use all of our energy to mediate their little fights so they dont get out of hand its not fair that they need help yet im the one who has to drown myself in meds and therapy just to be able to function from all the anxiety and depression and now i cant even function anymore im a medical student and trying to study for my first board exam but no matter how much i try to calm myself down so i can get through my study schedule i just sit staring into the corner numb that just makes me feel even worse because i want to study so bad but nothing sticks ive always had some sort of depression but now when i wake up all i can think of is ending it because im so miserable and in pain i just dont know what to do anymore sorry for the disorganized thought process while writing this im pretty much just word vomiting how i feel ,pre,female
depression,2018-12-12,i finally took some steps towards helping myself i f have severe depression i have tried to hide it from the people close to me as long as possible until the start of this school year i first told my boyfriend then some close friends and finally my parents my depression has progressively gotten worse over the past months and i know if i continue to live like this things wont end up well i attempted getting a therapist but no nearby place could take me for minimum of months i was told to get evaluated to speed up the process last night was my evaluation at my local doctors i had been very nervous leading up to the appointment but when i arrived i felt surprisingly fine my parents had to join which i wasnt too happy about but i got alone time with my doctor as well overall i think the visit was helpful and productive my boyfriend is so proud of me to have taken that step i am so hopeful now for some steps to take ahead ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-02,any advice on how i m can be there for my girlfriend f while she has a depressive episode ldr hi r depression im in need of some advice on how to take care of my girlfriend when shes in a depressive episode weve only been talking for  months and only really became a thing over the past week this is the first time ive seen her like this and it worries the shit out of me shes just listening to playlists on spotify about wanting to die and being depressed and i really just want to help her but i dont know what to do amp x b copy and paste from my relationship advice post which hasnt had much response yet is below amp x b  hey so the backstory is that i met this amazing girl online where we spoke for about a month before we finally met in person earlier this week and it was amazing i really like this girl we just got along so well and had so much fun afterwards she let me know she had an amazing time and cant wait until the next time we meet however as of yesterday shes been feeling depressed and sad and says she doesnt know why and i dont know what to do about it ive let her know that i care for her and that im there for her but she doesnt really respond to that shes also been a little more distant than normal shes not the most affectionate girl in the world which is absolutely fine because its super adorable when she is and honestly she was slowly becoming a little more affectionate over time but its completely gone now but her responses have been more less frequent and more cold and blunt than usual this morning we text for a while and she said she felt worse than yesterday but went on to play some games ive been asking her to play games with me for a long time but she always somehow says no but hell i thought id try again and maybe if i could just do things with her it would make her happy or at least take her mind of whatever it is shes feeling down about so i asked and she didnt reply i told her it was fine if she didnt want to again she didnt reply and went back to playing her other game and then went offline and we havent spoken since only about an hour ago a part of me just feels like im annoying her by asking if shes okay she never answered that text yesterday either telling her im there for her and trying to do things with her i genuinely do care about how she is and im doing these things because were in a long distance relationship and i dont know how else i can help her the fact that i cant help her makes me honestly feel like shit and the way shes acting makes me feel like she may break up with me but then again she said three days ago she cant wait for the next time so i think this may be my mind playing tricks on me does anyone have any advice on what i can do ive never been in a situation like this before ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-02,i feel hopeless and i dont know what to do this is long apologies triggers for self harm and suicidal thoughts im f i am diagnosed with gad and panic attacks but i feel like i have depression too i have no motivation for absolutely anything my anxiety had caused me to lose my place in college to lose my job a lot of friends and much more i want to get better and i try to get better but i have no motivation at all i barely have motivation to get out of bed at times and if theres days where i have to do something even if its something fun like see a movie with my friends i feel absolutely exhausted after it i also can barely sleep i see a counsellor but ive probably cancelled more times than not due to anxiety and i dont use medication because my doctor doesnt recommend it due to my familys history of addiction im also an only child who only really has a relationship with her mother and her grandmother i live with my mother also the only advice ive ever gotten to combat my mental health is to push through it but its the one thing i just cannot do as much as i try once i start panicking its game over and then i get extremely upset with myself for failing to do whatever i want or have to do which carries on to the next thing i feel like whenever i go one step forward i go two steps back i feel like a complete liability to my mum and my friends my mum told me today and many other days before that she cant keep going on like this and she cant cope with me anymore and im too dependent on her which i am but its out of an irrational fear of her dying so i try and spend time with her and turn it into a positive one of my friends often call to the house for a chat which i thought was nice but i found out that she only does that to see if im ok that broke my heart i had a boyfriend of a year and he left me because my mental health was too much for him i used to self harm and i havent in about years but recently ive had a major urge to when i was self harming i could function and im barely functioning now i talk and talk to my counsellor my mum and my friends about everything and i cry and let it out but i never feel relief i could cry for hours and i have and still feel the same after it im not at risk of suicide im too scared to die but i have had often suicidal thoughts i dont want to exist anymore i cant see myself getting any better and i cant put the people i love through this anymore im half tempted to put myself in inpatient but my countrys mental health system would have me on the waiting lists for months or years i dont know if this is a rant or asking for advice but i need to get it out ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-02,i started taking antidepressants weeks ago im experiencing some very weird symptoms and my depression has gone into overdrive tw suicide self harm i dont know if this is the right place to post this i know subs dedicated to antidepressants and ssris exist but i dont know if theyre very active and im feeling kind of desperate here im f and ive had depression and anxiety since i was  my parents were against medicating me as a kid but when i turned i decided i wanted to try it so weeks ago my doctor prescribed me mg of citalopram my first ever ssri or any psychiatric drug i spoke to my doctor and due to having a history of sleep problems he told me to take it every morning during the first week i experienced some side effects that were annoying but tolerable mild nausea shakiness sleep disturbance appetite loss afternoon fatigue etc these side effects have mostly gone away aside from the sleep disturbance and fatigue although i knew it was a too early to tell by the end of the first week i was beginning to feel a little better however i think that was mainly due to feeling good about starting treatment towards the end of the second week however things took a turn for the worst ill put things into dot points to make it easier to read my depression has reappeared but its a different kind of depression now the sadness feels different i feel incredibly detached from myself i feel like my personality has changed im more apathetic than i was before and my sense of humour has pretty much vanished my reactions to things are also off as well i feel like im detached and disconnected and its like im not the one experiencing these events ive experienced depersonalisation and derealisation before so maybe its that but i just dont know anymore im not interested in anything going on around me anymore my creativity is gone i used to daydream almost constantly but now i cant do that anymore it just doesnt work its like trying to have an imaginary friend like i did when i was a child that magic or ability just isnt there anymore i felt suicidal before medicating and i feel suicidal again now but its a different kind of suicidal before i wanted to die and was completely fine with the concept of being dead now the suicidal feelings are even stronger except the idea of being a corpse is horrifying the ambivalence is maddening i also keep imagining my suicide in my head which i did before medicating but the images have gotten progressively more violent on a similar note i have started cutting im ashamed to admit it but fuck it this is anonymous and im using a throwaway so whatever the cuts arent that deep just yet but i can feel myself falling into the self harming trap i just have no idea how else im meant to release this new horrible feeling i have inside i used to drink when things would get really bad but for some reason im now drawn to cutting i also imagine cutting deeper and what that would look like its messed up i know i keep freaking out about the concepts of death the potential of an afterlife gods the universe etc i feel like my head is spinning sometimes i keep feeling really hot at night im usually always cold so this one is really weird i really really hate being around people now my depression has caused me to isolate myself a lot at times except i still used to have somewhat of a longing to have relationships and be around others that has completely disappeared i suddenly cant stand being around people anymore and the thought of interacting with others makes me feel incredibly mad i try not to express these feelings because i dont want to be a terrible person or hurt people but i cant help but feel this way every single person seems to get on my nerves now has anybody experienced any of these symptoms when starting an ssri for the first time if so did the symptom s go away are they a sign that my body is not tolerating the medicine im going to bring these up to my doctor when i see him in a few weeks but i guess im just posting to gage how extreme my reaction to the medicine is there are a few other things too but this is already way too long so ill leave it at that for now thank you to anyone who took the time to read this sorry if it doesnt make much sense im feeling really tired ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-02,i have no relationships left i have reached a point in my life where i dont have any real relationships left i am single f living outside my home country my family and i dont talk much anymore my mother has distanced herself from me for reasons i cant comprehend i think it is to do with her own depression my father calls me once in a while and we have a formal relationship my sister and i live in the same city however she does not talk to me either she is bipolar and anti social we were never close growing up either i was dating someone last year however we broke up due to his depression it all sounds bizarre as i even type all this but now i have reached a point where every minute of my existence is unbearable i have distanced myself from the few friends i made in this new country due to my on and off depression i have absolutely no real relationships left i tried going to therapy but it was really pointless i tried to get a new therapist but after emailing and calling a dozen people i could not find a single affordable or available appointment ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-10,how do i bring it up to my doctor so im f depressed i know i am i no longer find joy in things i used to love i sleep hours a day and even nap through out the day when i know i have things to do i quit my job out of nowhere i am gaining weight i cant bear to even brush my hair most days im a constant pile of worry and tears i cry all the time im not suicidal or have any plans on taking my own life i dont think i could ever actually do that but i often wonder what the point of existence is it might be a hormonal imbalance but i am certain i have depression absolutely positive my question is how to i bring this up to a doctor ive seen only once hes my gp do i just say hey i think im depressed i dont wanna lay it on too thick to where he worries but i need to get my point across how can i bring this up to my doctor ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-10,for me its been like this since i remember https scontent fclj fna fbcdn net v t          n jpg nc cat amp nc ht scontent fclj fna amp oh f a ddadf bbf de a c e amp oe d f f f https scontent fclj fna fbcdn net v t         n jpg nc cat amp nc ht scontent fclj fna amp oh f a ddadf bbf de a c e amp oe d f f f ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-10,i want to get better but not bad enough to try ive f been battling severe depression and anxiety for my whole life but especially the last year i had to leave school etc more details in post history for those who want them anyway ive been on different antidepressants none of which have worked for me and thats really frustrating i feel like nothing will help me at this point so whats the point in trying yeah i could go work out or go to the trouble of finding a new therapist or stop smoking so much weed but every day i choose not to do any of those things because i just dont care to i dont have the motivation to because ive done those things in the past and that didnt save me or really fix anything long term i know just popping a pill wont fix it but i need some kind of relief all i do is smoke weed at this point lately its been around  am when i wake up because im so agitated and benzos dont work fast enough sorry for this rant im just kind of at a loss i would do anything to be happy and enjoy life again but that doesnt translate to me actually doing anything why am i like this ,pre,female
depression,2019-03-10,why is depression even invented made and why does it punches me in the face out of no where when i had a decent day in the biggining sorry for the long post f i have always had depression as i could remember early in my childhood life would struck me in the face but i would tell my self that is normally due to my parents they where strict with me because i was the middle child and the only female even though i was the planned child i was always put down and was told i would never amount to anything due to there ugly nature i would do the opposite and prove them wrong witch made me happy in the end shutting them up few years later i married my high school sweet heart and became pregnant with my daughter after my daughter was born fast forward march early in the month i come to find out my husband no longer loves me and decides to cheat on me on top of that the girl is butt ugly fat and very bad looking im not saying im gorgeous but i had a fit body and liked to take care of my self i dont even have stretch marks from my pregnancy finding that out i punched him in the smirk face in front of his mother i hit postpartum depression with out knowing i had no one helping me besides staying at my mothers house but i was paying rent and my mother belittlering me every time she gets the chance i somehow stop taking care of my daughter and she end up hurting her self somehow witch i cant seem to figure out how but she ended up with a minor skull fracture that cps got involve interviewed all my family and his and decided to take her away from me and temporarily gave her to her father ex husband to monitor my behavior with her when he was the one who left us and rejected to help when i found out she had a bump on her head calling him to take us to the hospital and him replaying with why cant your mom or brother take you im at the pool with my friends click after i got my daughter back and taking parenting classes and all i started getting stronger and ignoring that i had anything wrong with me mentally around somehow depression anxiety started creeping up on me but i always thought that it was just because i had a hard day at work ect ect in my depression hit and hit bad not only that i started gaining weight slowly but surely i notice i gained a few pounds and the more weight i gained the more depressed i got through out that time my mother would always always would bring up my weight and it didnt help even though i helped her through sooo much yet i was the bad child i kept working out but balancing my career my daughter my relationship then tidings up the house it was getting harder and harder to do it when i would talk to my friends about it or even wanted time to hang out i was always put aside and i was getting worst when i finally spoke out about my depression to my friends they somehow stop talking to me and i was left alone then i was diagnosed with depression ptsd anxiety and i brought up to my family because they kept bullying me they made it sound i was giving them an excuse because i was fat i went from a healthy with lean muscle to with body fat im petite so it was noticeable i gained weight now at and it hasnt gotten better it seems its gotten worst there are times i have to fight the little voices in my head to not do the unthinkable i have not been able to make any friends bc im very antisocial but i got the courage to go and try something new something i wanted to always do and in hopes of meeting making friends but the people who take this classes are either price women aka who have a rich husband and they dont have much going on or my teachers and believe me someone who listens to classical and heavy metal music and that works from home i cant seem to connect to anyways and so i just get left on my own to struggle doing the class i even try to talk to them and they just meh me when my depression hits i hide in my craft room and lock my self in so my daughter doesnt see this side of me and my bf doesnt understand the struggle i go through when i tell him im depressed he reply with why what trigger it uh idk it just happens i cant control it and goes back to playing games not to long ago we agreed that if i dont get better then i would take the help suicide pill because no matter what i do i cant seem to get out of this depression and honestly i am tired really tired that i just want to sleep and just not wake up because no mater weather i have a great day or start feeling any slight happiness my brain just shuts it down completely and i get depressed and no matter what i do it just doesnt go away ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-12,irritability as a symptom of depression something that has been controlling my f life recently is extreme irritability i find it nearly impossible to share a space with dear friends people i once truly enjoyed now every little thing they do drives me crazy i avoid leaving my room in my shared apartment other girls if i hear other people out of their rooms because i just want to avoid social engagement at all costs even though theyve done nothing wrong my mom came to visit me and the irritability with her was intense i feel so shameful and guilty because i love her and really wanted to treat her well like she deserves but felt so on edge and angry irritable i have a long distance partner and i really rely on him and feel like hes the only person i ever want to talk to but i even have a short fuse with him and get very frustrated over things he cant even control like poor sound quality during our phone calls my mom has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager and when she visited me on the very first day before i even became visibly irritable she mentioned that she always knows shes entered a depressive episode by experiencing intense irritability im wondering if anyone else here struggles with that its challenging because when i think of depression i think of inability to get out of bed suicidal tendencies prolonged feelings of hopelessness etc i dont suffer from these other symptoms in a way that interferes with carrying out my daily life but the irritability is unbearable and is damaging my relationships and making me feel really guilty and confused ,pre,female
depression,2019-04-12,how do i talk to may parents about getting help i have been feeling awful for the majority of time for the last months and i always thought it will just pass the truth is these past couple of weeks have been almost unbearable my motivation is practically nonexistent unless its about binge watching netflix and i feel that everything i do is wrong or useless basically a feeling of dread that i cant make go away i want to talk to my parents and get some help but im afraid that they will either not take me seriously or i would just burden them they are so overwhelmed by everything i dont want to make it worse for them also my younger brother was recently diagnosed with anxiety and mom once half jokingly told me that im not allowed to have issues too because they need my help i have really tried to keep this to myself and slowly work towards making it better but i feel so powerless and im afraid i might do something ill regret i cant talk to my friends i dont want them to look at me differently im just lost have no idea how to aproach things and what my next move should be for context im f and still really dependent on my parents living at home ,pre,female
depression,2018-11-20,parents of children having electroshock please see that brain damage has been determined in a court of law parents of children having the procedure called electroshock the untested fda devices used on your children have been proven in the california courts to cause brain injuries and a settlement has been reached these suits will be on going if your child has had this procedure please fill out the survey on ectjustice com http ectjustice com fbclid iwar uzcydwk fffpgtyqyistiylkrjp qvdbue b kisi mjlyeivgmaapm if your child is to have shock wednesday and friday morning or any day these same devices will be used currently physicians that encourage the use of bike helmets and helmets for sports to protect against traumatic brain injuries are inducing these same injuries in your child with every procedure they know it they are using a device and doing a procedure without any fda testing for safety or effectiveness on your child i am a trained level one trauma nurse of many years and i am telling you the truth it has been proven in a court of law medical malpractice suits to come protect and intercede on behalf of your children please thank you ,pre,female
depression,2020-01-01,affirmations for wealth amp happiness livestream with hz frequency music https www youtube com watch v six m frto https www youtube com watch v six m frto in this video i have created what i believe to be the most powerful affirmations you will hear these affirmations are for accumulating wealth prosperity riches and not only wealth but these affirmations will be deeply imprinted upon your mind positive suggestions so that you will develop greater happiness and joy in your life you will forgive others you will forgive yourself you will let go of your past you will live in the present moment and create the reality the life you have always wished for with a frequency of hz a natural frequency for resonating throughout your body amp mind you can drift off to sleep into a peaceful trance whilst absorbing these life changing affirmations sleepaffirmations wealthaffirmations sleep,post,female
depression,2020-01-01,anyone else overcome with numbness im f medicated for long standing depression and anxiety the medication is working and im not suicidal the issue is most days im not anything i wake up and i go through the motions i have a job a partner and a preschooler son sometimes i i find my job and my family enjoyable and sometimes frustrating i am rarely joyful or excited or particularly interested in anything other than my bed and the occasional television show before depression and my subsequent medication i used to be a voracious reader i dont do that anymore the words swim on the page and i cant sustain my interest i used to enjoy conversations with my friends too nowadays i dont have the energy or mental wherewithal to sustain anything beyond basic small talk i used to take an interest in politics and theoretical discussions but i dont feel like i have the capacity to do so on any meaningful level now i am occasionally overwhelmed by the pointlessness and cruelty of the world generally this will strike at unexpected times when i see the carcass of an animal at the roadside or a beggar in the street i wonder whether i will ever have a meaningful connection ever again or whether i will ever feel anything beyond such numbness my question is is there anything one can do to break through the numbness or even soften it a bit i dont want to cease the medication because prior to taking it i wasnt functioning but i feel like im living a half life in a bubble where i am watching everything unfold but nothing is touching me ,post,female
depression,2020-01-01,seasonal depression or just summer boredom f i get really depressed in my summer vacations since im very young about or years old even if i have lots of fun i cant help but feeling sad and eventually crying this year wasnt different at all my so came visit me in my city and i had the happiest week in years with him yet i couldnt be happy for reasons i have no idea why now that hes gone im sad af again i can say im unhappy pretty much the entire year but summers make me a hundred times more depressed i think its because seeing people happy and having the time of their lives make me jealous or something i like the sun and its warmth as well as swimming and doing summer things however i just want this season to end soon ,post,female
depression,2020-01-01,im stuck f its the first day of the new year and i dont think ive felt more depressed in my life im in college and have a week break at home and while its nice to have that break i feel like shit in my hometown its so depressing and just reminds me of how much i hated high school and how i had no friends depression runs in my family my mom has it and my dad is diagnosed with depression and anxiety not much of a surprise that i feel the same way also theyre divorced ive been feeling this way for about a year since my second semester of senior year in high school i dont know how to explain it like im definitely not bipolar but i seem to have a lot more off days than id like one thing one moment just puts me off for the rest of the day being alone at school doesnt help either living in a single dorm and all like i love having independence and doing my own thing but shit gets so depressing sometimes school is the only thing i have to live for bc i get excited i want to learn being on campus gives me a sliver on hope for society i have sisters im the middle and were all super close im very close with my mom as well and ive told them how i feel depressed but i obviously cant self diagnose my sisters support me through everything but i know they cant fix my problems just make life a little easier to live through ive tried to have serious conversations about it with my mom but she just has so much on her plate everyday my little sister was recently diagnosed with anxiety and started going to counseling again weve seen symptoms when she was younger but its gotten worse shes attempted to hurt herself a couple of times and it breaks my heart since my older sister and i are at college and shes home alone i can only imagine what shes going through with that i feel like my mom doesnt take me seriously im always overthinking it being dramatic or sensitive usually one of her responses to my episodes i want to seek help idk if medication is the next step or what counseling sessions are booked at my school idk how id be able to stay consistent with that while going to school i just want someone to understand ,post,female
depression,2020-01-01, rules for life books to video motivation only works when it comes from a place of ambition a tenured professor who decides to abandon ship and successfully take their lectures on a worldwide theater tour has more motivation in a sneeze than any coaches half time speech a s you know jordan b peterson is an ex harvard professor and clinical psychologist that has condensed his life work into rules to bring habitable order to your life the lobster king the overlord of order and chaos kermit the frog himself helps light a fire under our ass to kick off the new year nicks non fiction links yt https youtu be s vxsuq oxa https youtu be s vxsuq oxa applepodcasts https podcasts apple com us podcast https www youtube com redirect v s vxsuq oxa amp event video description amp redir token y bdznvpqisgq ezs gsfhx bf mtu nzk ntmzmuaxntc odg otmx amp q https a f fpodcasts apple com fus fpodcast fnicks non fiction fid  soundcloud https soundcloud com user   https www youtube com redirect v s vxsuq oxa amp event video description amp redir token y bdznvpqisgq ezs gsfhx bf mtu nzk ntmzmuaxntc odg otmx amp q https a f fsoundcloud com fuser  ftracks thanks for stopping by ,post,female
depression,2020-01-01,early signs of depression hey im f theres nothing major that is wrong with my life i went through a breakup and i dont have a project assigned to me at the company i work for so im spending most of my time at home its been a month of feeling this way i have lost my sense of taste i dont enjoy eating anymore im spending most of my time in bed i slept for hours yesyerday last week was the worst i had to gather energy from every cell of my body to just get up and take a bath im having countless sleepless nights im just staring at the ceiling for hours i dont have any motivation to study for my entrance exam i have some close friends and a family that is very supportive im trying to spend some time with them but as soon as i come back to my room that feeling engulfs like a monster again my mother took me out for lunch on st just because she felt bad for me that i did not have any plans for nye im falling deep in this pit of self despair and loneliness its killing me should i seek help ,post,female
depression,2020-01-01,i f think im going to kill myself everything is getting bad again my trauma and body issues are resurfacing my relationship is failing and its all my fault ive lost my will to live school is fucking awful im getting bullied and the school couldnt give less of a fuck im so fucking stupid and depression is making it worse and i just dont want to be alive anymore not even my family care about me they wouldnt even notice if i disappeared my parents dont even f cking live with me anymore i must of been such and awful kid that they had to get away i mean its fair its not like i deserve love or care i wonder when my friends and family will notice that the suicidal jokes arent jokes anymore i hate myself so much i keep thinking about all the dangerous situations i could put myself in that would make me suffer every day i fantasise about killing myself i cant stop thinking about how easy it would be but i cant kill myself yet i dont want anyone to miss me who am i kidding i probably not even depressed just seeking attention ,post,female
depression,2020-01-01,depressed f and idk how to tell my dad when i was younger i went through a lot of trauma with my mother and it has done a great deal of damage on me to make the matters more worse im super self conscious and i always look down on myself my dad has once caught me cutting myself he did nothing but cry and ask if i was okay i said yes when i wasnt and that was that ive had so many restless nights because ive cried so much and it doesnt help that im in a toxic relationship with my s o and i just really want help i need it and i hate feeling alone like this but idk how to bring this up to my own dad hes so protective and im afraid if i tell him my true feelings hed feel like a failure of a parent when it isnt even his fault ,post,female
depression,2020-01-02,i am on the edge i want to kill myself i cant stand this life anymore i was struggling for the last years f and the last year was the worse i just cant do this anymore i can stand the thought that other people are living the life i want to live and i never had and never will have a chance the only moments of happiness are just to show what do i lose because of the person i am i cant stop crying even in front of the people even at work it is getting worse and worse i just cut myself again and i was looking on this blood and couldnt find the courage to make the cut deeper i want to make this life end i dont know what to do ,post,female
depression,2020-01-02,what does you have no life mean f asian someone just said to me previously im asian i dont understand the exact definition anyone knows ,post,female
depression,2020-01-02,my important friend had an accident since months has now amnesia from trauma and does not recognize me which is difficult for me to accept i m have known my friend nikol f since years and help since i know her its not really about me instead more about nikol but i would appreciate everyones advice and support also im not sure if this is the right community and honestly really dont know where to start the story because its way too bizarre to understand or believe it but ill try anyway nikol was born with cancer is allergic to the sun has bad luck in life and is innocent since always because her parents have never loved or cared about her all they ever did was abuse mentally physically and talk bad for no reason her father is actually not really her father because she had a blood test and the result was that her mother was with her uncle her younger brother stole her nintendo switch and never gave it back she never got money support from her parents that she needed for school university not even lunch the whole family are bunch of irresponsible rude people the only good thing that nikol had in life was her dear late grandmother who took care of and raised her to be an honest good and heartwarming person i always liked nikol because she is a wonderful interesting smart etc person and did everything i could to help so that she has a better life that she deserves like to help her mentally gift her a good bed so that she no longer has back pain laptop so that she has it for university cell phone so that she does not become alone and can talk with me switch so that she has fun a rabbit that gives her joy etc etc etc i know it would sound like a scam at first sight but for me its not because no one really got to know her that well but i really know and talk to her almost everyday and that its not a waste so im the one who helped out and bought all the stuff that she needed in life and that i really dont care about money or that she never would dare to ask me about doing all that in the first place but it showed how grateful nikol really is with tears of joy because of my kindness i also took good care for a short time of her late grandmother paid for a proper grave and promised her before that that i will take care of and protect nikol so that she doesnt have to worry anymore which made her happy and feel at ease until the end nikol should be happy and if she dies then everything was for nothing and i really love her and want her to live so i only believe that i can help her and that she needs me but now i just dont know where to start nikol was really always depressed because her life was already bad enough thanks to her family suicidal since the accident which was months until the trauma amnesia started now she cant recognize me anymore and its really hard for me to accept the truth so i would really appreciate everyones help sorry for my bad english ,post,female
depression,2020-01-02,i f was doing better my ex m talked to me and now im bad again my ex and i were broken up and still living together for multiple reasons but it got to the point where we didnt even try to be friends anymore and we just didnt interact at all that went in for a few months i spent a lot of time going out with my friends and making new friends and i realized i started improving but just this past week my ex started having conversation with me while we were packing so we could move out before the first today i knew we had to communicate but we didnt have to joke around update each other and just interact the way we did it was completely shocking and i didnt think itd effect me so much but it did i love him so much and talking to him like old times made me so incredibly happy but now im a mess i feel like ive lost all the progress i made he left on the morning of new years eve without saying goodbye i went to work right after he left and figured hed be home by the time i was out but nope he was gone he changed his number too so when i tried to call him about some stuff he had left behind i couldnt reach him this was all a big shock to me i rang in the new year confused and in tears frantically packing and moving everything to my parents i dont know what to do i feel terrible i feel like im slipping back to feeling the way i did before i think him interacting with me the way he did made me feel like he wanted to try to be friends i dont know i wish he had just left me alone if he had planned on leaving so abruptly ,post,female
depression,2020-01-03,bfs depression is worsening what can i do having to use a throwaway because he knows my actual reddit username for a bit of background my boyfriend m has aspergers syndrome and has always had trouble with his emotions no matter how he felt over the years there have been many improvements but if his mind isnt in the right state the vulnerabilities start to show due to my personal circumstances my boyfriends family took me f into their home last september he was diagnosed with depression last september and he was prescribed citalopram to help with his mood hes had setrolin in the past and has reacted badly to it however his family and i have just discovered that he ran out of tablets weeks ago and had been refusing to take them when he did have them at this point red flags are going off because hes always been able to take his tablets when he needs to even when he was first diagnosed his mum managed to get an emergency prescription through and shes now going to be holding onto his tablets and give them to him daily like she does with me i tried to od last summer so im under strict instruction not to handle my own anti depressants hes been missing a lot of classes because of it all and its getting to the point where hes sleeping more than hes awake last night he slept from am to pm then pm to around half pm its really worrying me as well hes given up on himself and just shuts himself away all of the time he tried to barricade himself into his room yesterday so his mum and i had to try and get him out this is very much not like him he also bit my finger swore at me and tried to throw a packet of something at me again very much not like him im guessing it was an autistic meltdown but whether the depression is contributing to the severity of them i dont know his family and i are worried that if he keeps going the way he is hes going to self destruct i would like to ask for any sort of advice or ideas you give me to help him if you could help me understand how much i can do thatd be greatly appreciated im autistic too so trying to understand things from his point of view is slightly harder than it would be thanks in advance ,post,female
depression,2020-01-03,how do i get help im f and have had past bouts with depression ive made plans to commit suicide and self harmed but ive never sought help and after a few months of misery and self neglect ive always come out of it its probably been about years now since ive really felt full on depression like this and i kind of hoped that i grew out of it these past few days have been absolutely terrible ive been crying non stop having suicidal thoughts unable to sleep or eat and secluding myself all of this for no reason how do i get help how do i find a therapist or a psychiatrist i dont even know what i need everyone always say ask for help so here i am edit i live in the us and i have health insurance those are probably important things to know haha,post,female
depression,2020-01-04,too hard on myself f i have a full time job and try to keep busy otherwise but for some reason whenever i have down time i have negative thoughts about how im being lazy and the million other things i could be doing then i remember some days i cant even brush my teeth ,post,female
depression,2020-01-04,i feel depression coming back and i dont know how to tell my girlfriend i m have been dating my gf f for months and shes made me the happiest ive ever been i really love her the problem is that im feeling what feels like a long term wave of depression coming back into my life and i dont want her to think its her fault she cares about me and is checking in more because shes starting to sense something wrong and i cant make myself bring it up with her it just makes me feel like a burden even though i know she would not see me as a burden at all anyone else deal with situations like this ,post,female
depression,2020-01-04,this has been killing me mentally i dont know what to do anymore im a boy m theres this girl f in my grade from september to christmas we were in the school madrigal choir but it ended right before winter break i started doing acts of courtesy every day holding doors open complimenting her etc she was very friendly and always initiated conversations with me im very shy and an outcast so this was so exciting for me we have common interests and i really love everything about her she even gave me a christmas present and told me how happy she is that we met everything was going great until i got her number i asked if she wanted to hang out some time and she said yeah maybe we havent talked since school has started again and she doesnt talk to me anymore i spent the whole winter break in my room depressed overthinking everything and wondering whats so bad about me why nobody likes me i have had a very hard life struggling with my sexuality crippling depression suicidal thoughts and severe anxiety i thought that this girl was someone i could be great friends with but my text obviously really scared her off i found out that she thinks i like her she doesnt like me in that way i love her as a person but i have no sexual attraction to women i am getting so tired of spending every day just waiting for the next day in hope that it might be a better day this girl is all thats been on my mind lately i have been losing sleep over this for weeks i over analyze every encounter we have seeing her at school was always the highlight of my day and i look forward to seeing her at school every day when she would talk to me at school it was always the highlight of my day now she doesnt seem to acknowledge me anymore i dont know if its because shes going through a hard time or if shes just uncomfortable around me but i care about her so much and dont want our friendship to end if she knew what i go through how i really feel i think she would definitely become my friend i always want to talk to her but i get so scared and whenever she talks to me im painfully awkward there are many things i would like to say to her but i get so scared of creeping her out that i just stay silent but i think my silence also creeps her out should i move on she made me feel wonderful when she actually talked to me i want her to know how important she is to me but also explain that i dont want any form of relationship im lonely depressed unpopular unconfident and longing for a close friendship i need help ,post,female
depression,2020-01-05,free course available starting on january th recovery with russell brand was looking at my youtube feed today and saw a new video from russell brand after the video i went to the link for the course that he talked about since i am trying to get out of this deep hole that i am trapped in signed up immediately as its free hope that i can assist others in making some meaningful transformations and making their lives better https www onecommune com recovery russell brand sign up ref https a f fwww onecommune com fa f  fcgftrere,post,female
depression,2020-01-05,scared ill never find a relationship that lasts i f feel like im constantly trying to let my friends know whats going on in my life without overburdening them with my problems sometimes i isolate myself from everyone which pisses people off but telling them whats going on doesnt really yield better results and pretending that everything is okay only works for so long before i crack romantic relationships bring a whole other set of problems to the table i had a long term boyfriend years who would ignore me when he knew i was in a bad spell because he didnt know how to help so he would just wait until i felt better to talk to me again but knowing i was being ignored would make me feel so much worse eventually we broke up but i am still afraid no one will ever be willing to put up with me when im thinking straight i know i have good qualities and that some people like me but when i feel the way i do other times i really dont see why anyone would even want to be my friend i know i need to be in a better place before i try to get seriously involved with someone again or ill just end up hurting them but im scared this pattern is just going to follow me for the rest of my life ,post,female
depression,2020-01-05,alone for tonight hey everyone im f and i just moved to a new state im having a really hard time tonight and its been such a mentally hard day i have about two months clean and im trying so hard to keep it my ld boyfriend is out tonight and so are my two friends back at home would someone like to talk or something to distract me ,post,female
depression,2020-01-06,alone again f i live with my parent and my brother moved to the uk for uni in augest he came back for weeks for christmas n he just left today and i dont think ive ever been this sad ive been struggling with depression for years plus and my brother has always been my anchor hes like a best friend to me my parents are dysfunctional af and r also emotionally abusive n every day is hell living with them ive had to go through all the shit they have thrown at me emotionally n physically n i thought once my parents knew i had depression they would treat me better n be a little more mellow but no my dad is at work most of the time so i dont rlly see him n i dont rlly mind cause im not close with my dad at all but my mom is a housewife so shes home most of the time n i consistently have to deal with her emotionally draining me she doesnt understand how to deal with a mentally depressed person at all she makes me feel much worse than i already am n she just puts more sadness n pain im already in she says hurtful things to me people in general n when u tell her off she thinks shes right n just says i shouldnt be so sensitive im just tired of her she makes my life a living hell i use to have my brother on my side to protect me or just having him around just lightens up my day i feel so lost without him now like that weeks when he came back it was the happiest ive been since i last saw him in augest hes my anchor hes the only reason why i havent killed myself ive been having suicidal thoughts this pass two months n im honestly just ready to end it all so i dont have to live another day feeling this pain but i just cant bare the thought of what my brother will go through if he didnt have me anymore hes only coming back in may n thats months n weve never been this long apart n its going to be so hard i miss him so much i feel so empty now and it doesnt help since i dont rlly have any friends ive completely isolated myself bc of my depression im just so fucking unhappy with everything my self esteem is due to my mom criticising me my whole life and im just lost in life rn i dont how to be happy again idk how to get rid of this sadness in me im just in so much pain n no one in my family gets in ,post,female
depression,2020-01-06,playlists for you guys curated by me over the years some of you may have seen my past posts offering to build you a personalized playlist the offer is still open visit my profile and find the original post to request one anyhow i thought some people might like to have a couple mood playlists ive curated just to be reminded that youre not alone when you feel shitty here they are for when the depression melancholia hits https open spotify com user ruthimon playlist ythlfyegfsfh rvmnk x si spzarweosuu bggg bqqeg for feeling sad https open spotify com user ruthimon playlist r z eibyaqkx nhhfg q si smcc sjqrc t a oweiwww for crying https open spotify com user ruthimon playlist dvxkrckxqcricjnwbw mj si tcqedo rfuzhsrgcbu xg sometimes love can hurt as much as depression https open spotify com user ruthimon playlist vw pmfzpqtwvzj esdw n si t ggenk t meefii cp fg calm chill vibes not depressed https open spotify com user ruthimon playlist nbqtoymolfvvdlufbmync si mtgeei rqnmmxkhk svnca aggressively happy and just plain aggressive bangers for distraction from feeling not feeling https open spotify com user ruthimon playlist tkohyaypues jm pxhwoo si dmiorda shwbwrcivo peg extremely low energy zone out https open spotify com user ruthimon playlist iwddqahmubrv gqs mgdu si agzssdrur kpeynorioxsg songs for hype https open spotify com user ruthimon playlist xwglxst do zu wnphlox si j aygkhitiu d jcm yzg obligatory im on mobile apology for formatting ,post,female
depression,2020-01-06,i feel ive become the black sheep of my family for context im f married with a young child growing up my brother was always the black sheep constant fighting with my parents threw parties while home alone just generally rebellious and i cant blame him looking back at how our dad treated him but now my siblings and i are grown and i feel completely disconnected from my parents and siblings we see each other for holidays birthdays occasional get togethers but i feel like they genuinely dont like me we have nothing in common theyre all religious and conservative and im agnostic and liberal i just feel like i dont know them at all and theyre people i spent most of my life with i guess i felt like id reconcile all of the shitty parts of my childhood at some point and now it seems like that will never happen i think watching friends have close relationships with their parents i thought if it wasnt like that when i was a kid it could be when i grew up and now its like were all just strangers who spend time in the same room they call each other and visit outside of holidays but they dont call me and i dont call them just occasional texts i dont know why im posting all of this or what kind of help i expect to find here but it feels like i grew up with this hole inside of me that got bigger over the years and when i finally went out into the world and found a man who loves me in a way ive never been and had a little boy who brings me so much joy that the hole would heal but it feels like its just cauterized and will always be there no matter how much the rest of me thrives ,post,female
depression,2020-01-06,how to support depressed boyfriend been in a relationship for about a year f m we were kind of on and off because of his depression and his meds werent working for him he was reluctant to meeting up although we talked some through text i didnt leave though because he would be sitting in his apartment alone so i made sure to text call him at least once a day fastfoward a few months and hes on new meds and were back to seeing eachother and stuff he told me when hes with me he hasnt been suicidal things are okay for a little while until i stopped hearing from him less and less everyday he would send me lots of messages and he was happy i know somethings wrong but i dont know how to approach it and hes denying or being quiet about it i called him but hung up during the conversation because i was mad dont know if that was the right thing to do he says hes too tired to meet up i dont know what to do ,post,female
depression,2020-01-07,missing school anhedonia and cant do anything i f took a leave from school in because of depression and bad anxiety and a suicide attempt i returned to school and at the end of last semester i missed the last weeks second semester has started and ive missed the first days i feel so detached from the world and cant engage or do anything i dont get pleasure from anything and do nothing at all i used to be very bright and social and at the top of my class i have been unmotivated to do the load of missing schoolwork i have what suggestions will help me combat this and return to school tomorrow how have you dealt with missing school due to depression ,post,female
depression,2020-01-07,i hate my fat self i hate myself i truly do i cant stand to look in the mirror im  f ten years ago i weighed wore size x  i lost over the course of a year to around i was in a medium large i stayed there a couple years then i gained up to size x so i have whole wardrobes in those ranges this year idk what happened but i gained rapidly ive gained pounds since last april i still try to squeeze into my x but theyre uncomfortably tight and its noticeable i put off getting out my fat clothes until today now i cant find them maybe i got rid of them all swearing id never gain that weight again i dont remember i do have significant memory issues i found all the smaller clothes but none of the bigger i cannot afford to get new clothes right now but i cant seem to lose this fucking weight i hate myself and dont want to exist anymore my life has been nothing but a struggle with my weight all my life i overcame an eating disorder in my teens and sometimes i wish i could make myself that way again anything to lose this weight i have a consult with a weight loss surgeon next month but im leaning against getting surgery there are so many restrictions afterwards and my best friend has so many issues from having the surgery a decade ago malabsorption anemia etc i also have crohns so they may say they refuse to touch me because of that ive tried every weight loss pill out there otc and rx ive tried ww lean cuisine lose it all those and more nothing works for me i do have pcos so thats working against me im also on different medications so im sure some of those are at fault but it basically comes down to what i put in my pig mouth i just cant seem to control myself i also have physical disabilities that make exercise difficult i refuse to be that fat lady in the wheelchair in my s i just want to die ,post,female
depression,2020-01-07,i want to open up f im so sick of dealing with my mental illness alone was the worst year of my life and i used to self harm stay in my room for days have suicidal thoughts and so on i thought i will get better but i didnt i realized that i will not stay here for long if i dont do something about it i just had a breakdown and it made me think about how easier would it be if i had someone next to me so im asking you how to open up to my parents i dont have a clue how to start the conversation im afraid of disappointing them afraid of their reaction afraid of them rejecting my feelings ,post,female
depression,2020-01-08, m f washington dc looking for a paid cuddle buddy im clean ddf you should be clean and ddf too platonic non sexual touch only pay is an hour can be negotiated preference would be given to white females hwp  in age location alexandria va ,post,female
depression,2020-01-08,failed suicide attemped and now trying to forget about it i f have had depression since i was last year i tried killing myself at first i tried drinking windex but spat that out so i tried taking melatonin and didnt realize that i wouldnt do anything a week or two ago i tried doing the same thing minus the windex i told a few people and i do know people care and would be hurt if i died i just feel that if im not making a difference then why am i alive so now im trying to get my life somewhat together by losing weight and getting a better paying job i still think about it but i decided not to talk about it mostly because i dont even know why i still feel like this still i dont know i just wanted to let someone know ,post,female
depression,2020-01-08,what is the point f i am never going to afford to live outside of my family home what is the point if this is the life ahead of me im very ready to quit ,post,female
depression,2020-01-09,longing for the sister i never had i was on a hour plane ride from rome to miami yesterday and spent the entirety of the ride talking to a super chill girl from miami f whos studying in tallahassee we were able to talk about anything and its obvious that we see each other as just friends but for some reason she felt like the sister i m never had i only have one brother m and have thought about how much better life would feel if we also had a sister who is only a couple years younger what conversations we would have what living with a sister would be like what our social lives would look like how we would shape each other and change each other for the better thinking about it too much gets me upset but i have always felt like i was missing something from my life and maybe this is it a girl who can truly share do and be anything with me and who i can truly share do and be anything with as two inseparable chill friends almost like brother and sister ,post,female
depression,2020-01-09,can you tell me yes or no f im superb depressed because my friends dont like me and avoiding and all day i have to sit alone in class with nobody talking to me i feel so bad i cant even initiate conversation with them because im disinterested in the dumb shit they talk so tommorow im planning to skip my class and go out for a trip alone in my city atleast it will keep me away from them and give me some peace of mind though i know i will lose my attendance and class also i have to lie to my parents because they will never agree with me going alone and losing class btw im a medical student fuck that sucks what do u think should i attent the class with my annoying friends or should i go for the trip alone please be honest thank you ,post,female
depression,2020-01-09,chronic illness chronic pain anxiety and depression f hey sorry im just going to spill all of my problems right here in my first and most likely last reddit post enjoy for as long as i can remember ive suffered with chronic illness and chronic pain for those who are unsure this is illness and pain which has carried on for an extended period of time usually more than a few weeks in my case years recently i have been actively trying to find the cause of my health issues but unfortunately have come up blank again and again i am now being sent to a rheumatologist for arthritis and auto immune disease its becoming difficult to go to the doctor as im terrified of the outcome and there is no motivation behind getting better because it seems impossible im finding an increase in my anxiety which was usually only in social situations i now feel anxious  i think its mostly because of the uncertainty of whats wrong with me and if it is an auto immune disease arthritis ive seen how much they affect peoples lives and i dont want the rest of my life to be pain and medications and then i get anxious that maybe my partner m will get sick of me im always tired my mood swings are hectic and my sex drive has virtually vanished he tells me he doesnt care about sex and i want to believe him but its just so hard considering hes only as well i feel like im making his life stressful and he is missing out on so much as much as i dont want to i get incredibly jealous when he talks to a female friend or chooses his hobbies over spending time with me i dont want to feel like this because then i cause arguments and he thinks i dont trust him i feel his frustration all the time which just makes me more anxious and depressed that he wants to leave but feels bad for doing so sometimes i wonder if i should just leave so he can be with someone fit healthy and ready to live i know he doesnt want to leave me and this is just the voice in my head telling me these things but its so hard to fight it i feel so alone i dont have any motivation to do anything i love art but cant find the right head space to do it it just feels as if theres no point i dont want to live the rest of my life sick i want to really live it or not at all for my job im a trades person so a majority of the time im driving it is increasingly difficult to not do something and make it look accidental steer into a truck going km hr maybe a tree that looks thick enough to do some severe damage i get this strange feeling that comes over me like i could just suddenly jerk the steering wheel and itd be over with i think the only reason ive stopped myself is my family i was lucky enough to have a family who in spite of being emotionally disconnected theyd still care if they knew how i feel i have little siblings and cousins as well some of which wouldnt understand what had happened i feel guilty about how id make everyone else feel in a way putting everyone else above myself has become a good thing for once ,post,female
depression,2020-01-10,would you date n unpopular girl theres this girl f in my biology class i sit next to that i think is cute shes intelligent well spoken and we have a lot of the same interests i want to ask her but shes unpopular and bullied a lot i told my friend i liked her they said shes so gross and weird why would you ever want her shes a loser she doesnt party or drinks at all but shes bullied and rumored to be a sl t honestly because shes unpopular i lost a lot of respect for her and told her i dont want to be seen talking to her because of my reputation would you date an unpopular girl are my friends right that sl ts are weird and gross should i have no respect for this girl ,post,female
depression,2020-01-10,a serious of unfortunate events hi everyone ive re written this a few times because it is very difficult for me to write about so hopefully it will be more coherent now to give a bit of background i am f unfortunately i feel like i am a very unlucky person i feel very depressed and upset dont get me wrong i am in a great relationship with my significant other m and have been for years now i have an amazing family and im pursuing a good education but i feel that things in my life are destined to go awry like god is punishing me for something it feels odd laundry listing major events that have happened my life but it shapes what i am talking about when i refer to my bad luck or the constant bad things that are occurring im going to list things by grade age age my mom and dad divorced my mom remarries to my stepdad and had my younger sister my dad remarries to my stepmom and had my younger brother third grade half my mom divorces my stepfather who i became very close to and begins dating his brother essentially my uncle we move in with him and his kids from a previous marriage and i switch schools my mom and stepfathers brother get engaged third grade half while im vacationing with my grandparents my stepfathers brother dies of su  my mom suffered from mental illness and alcohol addiction so this made it much worse my mother and i move in with my grandparents and i switch schools again fourth grade my mom buys a house and moves about minutes away from grandparents where i switch schools again she is suffering badly with alcohol abuse and i have to deal with it often being woken up by her in a drunken state fifth grade my nana who was my rock passes away from breast cancer sixth and seventh grade my mom is in and out of jail for duis i am going back and forth from my moms home to my aunts home eighth grade when my mom got sentenced with a longer jail term i move in with my dad stepmom and younger brother none of whom i was particularly close to and switch schools again i visit my mom in jail talk to her on the phone and sometimes write letters she then attempted su  she passed from brain complications a few months later i went to a therapist twice but convinced her i was fine i really would go again and think it would help but dont have the money sophomore year my stepmom who i became close to passes of breast cancer and at the time we were not on great terms now to the present day ive been diagnosed with nafld i feel like bad things are constantly coming my way and am afraid of ever being happy with fear of impending bad luck reaching me i am in college but have barely any friends because i am not even sure what i enjoy doing anymore i cant find passion for anything and do not have any hobbies i love to travel especially to disney but i dont have the money to do that all of the time overall i just feel lonely and scared and often have serious existential crisis where i fear that i am going to pass away i think i am just scared to live but i do not want to die i dont know what to do does anyone have any advice on how to get rid of bad luck or how to find purpose in life or activities i know it is mostly perspective but i seriously feel like good things never come my way and if they do theyre quite short lived i sincerely thank anyone who has read this and has any advice to offer im just feeling really depressed and do not know what to do anymore thank you ,post,female
depression,2020-01-10,a question about what is normal wall of text alert hey so im f soon to be and i have a problem ive been on winter break for some time and i feel like im always missing out my friends dont ask me to hang out that much though they are probably busy most of the time with work i have work too but its less hours than most of them i know that i could easily text them and say hey lets hang out its very simple and yet for some reason i dont do it even when im back at college i actually go for months without seeing my friend group although i do talk to my fellow classmates and we study together and have some laughs some of the time i am satisfied by this and dont feel lonely but other times i feel alone and hurting even though i am very close to my parents and we do hang out a lot when i do hang out with them for a birthday party or a big get together im usually happy although admittedly i do feel out of place sometimes since i feel like they are all different than me despite being happy i never initiate hangouts because i never feel like i want to and it almost feels uncomfortable and this makes me feel like a really shitty friend since when we do hang out sometimes i dont know whats going on in their lives i dont text them much either i tell this to my parents and they always try their best to help but i know i need to work on this on my own and stop depending on them something i do far to often probably because of my low self esteem i always tell them the same problems over and over hoping they can fix it but i know deep down that i need to do that on my own and when they get frustrated at me for bugging them about the same things i get mad at them and snap i feel like ive been snapping more and more often as of late and now i feel like the worst daughter too i just want to be a good person and i try for others but not enough for myself i cant help feeling that ive wasted my life already i used to feel amazing in middle school i had a hobby swimming and close friends and everything but in high school i started to feel more distant and left out from them my depression and anxiety got worse and now its still there though not as bad as it was in high school i always feel like im wasting my time doing things that i dont even know if i truly enjoy and i know i like certain hobbies like swimming and ice skating but for some reason i just stay in the house and dont do much but watch anime play video games watch youtube which i feel has become a bad addition and read i know doing other things is out of my comfort zone but i need to try something i am sorry for the long post but i feel like i need to get my life back on track before it is too late and i have no life left to live im always afraid of losing time its a huge problem of mine thank you guys so much if you read all of this i love you ,post,female
depression,2020-01-12,she ended it all my life has been filled with tough times i m had a ptsd from bullying depression anxiety my st true relationship ended in disaster she ghosted me all my life have i been searching for love and then my ex girlfriend f came in my life i felt purpose again happiness love and i could finally fully love someone with my heart we spend so much time together had so many happy moments we are such a good match and understand each other it all seemed so perfect sadly her heart still lies with her ex she is obsessed over him because of her bpd all this time i fought hard and hard to keep her i tried everything and showed her all my love to make her realize that she means the world to me she appreciated it but was confused she loved me but did not realize it and even though she still likes me she feels like she needs to be alone for now and recover i love this woman with my heart and soul so here i am alone again not knowing what to do or how to feel its just empty and sadness no purpose i miss her voice i miss seeing her i miss our fun times together why is the universe so cruel ,post,female
depression,2020-01-12, f prescribed with lovan but im too scared to take it hi all i was recently prescribed with lovan mg by my doctor i didnt start taking it my mum told me it was not a good idea and it can mess with my head since im not yet and am still developing and that antidepressants can even make me worse i think i wouldve started them if she had been more supportive but i am scared however i did recently start birth control for my skin and that made everything fucking awful im nearly weeks off it and i dont know if its just me or the birth control messing with my hormones still but i feel crazy and ive lost sight of who i am completely i guess im just asking about your experience with lovan what are the first couple of days like did it help you especially with intrusive thoughts anxiety did it help overall thank you,post,female
depression,2020-01-12, f curious about switch from wellbutrin xl to sr possible interactions with adderall ive been taking mg of wellbutrin xl daily since last march and its worked wonders on me basically cured my depression i couldnt dream of going off of it etc etc yesterday i had a psychiatrist appointment and he and i decided to put me on mg of wellbutrin sr because im starting to feel the effects wane and also im having trouble sleeping which is likely because the extended release was lasting too long he also started me on mg of adderall immediate release for adhd which as im sure you all know i can take according to need im curious to know if any of you might have some insight or wisdom to impart in regard to the differences between wellbutrin xl and sr and how you think adderall might interact with wellbutrin obviously i talked about this with my psychiatrist and he thinks this will be a good combination but id still like to hear from you guys thanks everyone all replies very much appreciated ,post,female
depression,2020-01-13, f looking for advice so one of my biggest struggles with depression is the cognitive impairments i face i have issues with absorbing information memory holding conversations a feeling of being empty headed and major lack of interest in anything ive always done well in school but still feel like i dont really know anything or remember what i read i know these are standard symptoms of depression but my psychologist recommended i get neuro psych testing done she said i dont believe this is something you must do rather i think it could shed some light on these long standing issues has anyone ever had anything like this done my only worry is that if they do find a learning difference such as adhd then the solution would be to prescribe me a stimulant like adderall something i already take for hypersomnia a sleep disorder which makes me feel even worse that i still have these cognitive impairments brain fog while taking something that tends to make people sharper the testing is  and i dont think insurance will cover any of it is it worth it even though the outcome will probably be that my issues are just from depression any advice is welcome ,post,female
depression,2020-01-13,how to help my sister my sister f has been struggling with pretty severe depression this past year and has previously confided in me about having intrusive suicidal thoughts but with no plans apologies if this is rambling and all over the place i currently live a hour drive away from her periodically will text her or try to call she never answers and have twice driven up to stay with her in an effort to show her i love her and she can ask me for support anytime i now feel that this is beyond what family can do for her shes stopped seeing her psychologist not sure if shes still taking her antidepressants we have a lot of family that live in the same town that she does but im worried the more people who attempt to help the further she will bury herself into the black hole of depression she has a partner and theyve built a new home recently he can be extremely immature at times for example hes said to several people that every time someone asks him when he will propose he will make my sister wait an extra year i get it can be annoying to have pressure put on you but the only person he hurts is my sister by saying these things hes also wildly inappropriate when drinking for example at my brothers recent birthday event he stripped naked and allowed another man to handle him in front if everyone sister was not there at the time i felt that was very disrespectful of him its been a slow but steady spiral into depression for her i dont know if shes actively suicidal at the moment shes now not responding when family or friends knock on their door stating to every question or concern i dont care anymore im so so worried and i dont know how to help her what can i do ,post,female
depression,2020-01-14,i need advice my long distance bf m told me f hes feeling depressed and possibly suicidal do i tell his sister hi guys im in class right now but i cant focus knowing something might be going really wrong ive been dating this guy for a few months hes in detroit working from home and im in chicago going to university hes had undiagnosed depression probably since he was like hes got a lot of fucked up family stuff however whenever i suggest he get therapy as i have for my own family issues and depression he turns it down last night he told me hes been having a tough week today he woke up at pm and texted me that hes feeling really awful hes saying stuff like no one likes him and hes so alone and doesnt have the motivation to fix it i know he has guns and im really worried that he could easily put himself in danger or kill himself he stopped responding to my texts about mins ago and im scared i know hes pretty close with his sister but i dont know how much of the depression stuff hes told her she also probably doesnt know that hes dating me but this seems like more of a pressing issue than possibly revealing our relationship to her even if he werent ready to share i dont want to embarrass him but im worried about his safety im thinking of sending her a dm over instagram saying something like hi her name i dont know if you know me but ive been seeing his name for a few months hes been telling me some pretty worrying stuff for the past week and im scared hes feeling depressed and alone im in school in chicago and cant come see him but i was thinking you might want to check on him does that sound like a good idea tl dr my long distance boyfriend is saying hes depressed and possibly suicidal should i tell his sister who i dont know to go check on him ,post,female
depression,2020-01-14,i m cant stop feeling guilty for cheating on my girlfriend f unless i get hit ive been depressed for a long time i often feel numb and could go days or weeks without talking to anyone i only break out of it when im forced to but recently my ex girlfriend of months broke up with me because i drunkenly made out with a guy at a party im bisexual and didnt tell her she only found out when someone there told her and my depression has only got worse im not numb anymore i just feel guilty and psyically sick but what makes me feel worse is the way i process that guilt i know its messed up and unhealthy but its the only way it works i deserved to be broken up with i cheated and im an asshole i know that i was never a good boyfriend even before this so we broke up but a few days letter she messaged me that she forgives me and we should stay friends even though she said she forgives me i dont think i deserve her forgiveness and her saying that just made me feel even more guilty because i know i hurt a kind person i was brought up by pretty aggressive people where when you upset angered betrayed someone you got hurt even if it wasnt always deserved now i think i genuinely deserve to get hurt and i think its the only way to stop me feeling guilty but i know she would never hit me even if i asked her to so i asked a mutual friend m that we met through this mutual friend is much more than a friend to me hes the person i trust the most with anything and hes helped me so much in life in ways i cant even describe so i explained to him how i was feeling and asked if hed hit me he just went with a flat no and said hed never do that i tried to rile him up and get him angry at me so he would but hes never really got angry with me and it didnt work i dont want to be properly beaten up i just want to get properly slapped i have a few other friends who probably wouldnt even if i asked but i dont think theyll stop my guilt in the same way i dont know what to do its been almost weeks since we broke up and a couple days since i asked the mutual friend and i just feel like ive been festering i live with the mutual friend and i feel even more guilty every time i see him he looked so disappointed when i told him why we broke up he keeps saying that its okay and that i shouldnt feel bad because she forgives me but he wont do what i asked to help me feel better ive seen my ex a few times since then as well only with other people there and just cant enjoy myself because i cant think about anything other than seeing her cry when she confronted me about it i want to go back to feeling okay even if okay is just numb and the way i think i can do that is so messed up and i know that which just makes me feel worse i know its messed up to ask my friend do that as people on another sub have said but i just want to feel better any advice ,post,female
depression,2020-01-15,i guess i just need to let some stuff out sorry if this kind of goes all over the place or is confusing i guess ive been struggling with depression and anxiety for the better part of or so years most of it i think ends up revolving around school ive never been diagnosed or anything and i always felt it got better eventually so i never really reached out to a therapist or doctor or anything i m just entered my last semester of college i was ecstatic i graduated high school in and have been struggling to finish balancing working full time and school every semester around the beginning mostly but several times throughout i start to get a lot of anxiety and i get really sad about everything the work seems overwhelming and i cant help but think of all the time i have to dedicate to do well and how i wont have time for myself really i end up working all day doing homework when i get home walk my dog and play with him a little because i feel bad neglecting him but he is my best friend and then usually watch some tv before bed my off days from work are filled with school and classes so it feels like i never get a break this time when i started the semester on monday i was welcomed with a ton of work for the semester and a ton of work for the first assignment i would say maybe weeks of work and research due in week not to mention i still have other classes that start on thursday i was really really hoping for an easy last semester with maybe one class that requires a lot of work but now it seems like this semester will be the hardest yet i should mention i go to school for digital media lots of design work and branding and marketing especially marketing and branding ourselves lots of projects and research i know its not the end of the world lots of people have a ton of work for college there are harder degrees out there but for some reason this really really affected me i had a panic attack after class and sobbed in my car for some reason not sure if this has anything to do with anything but i also slammed my finger in my car door last thursday and its been healing slowly doctors basically just tell me that you just have to let it heal on its own but its been giving me a lot of anxiety anyways after monday i just felt worse than i ever have before ive been so depressed its been hard to do anything at work im quiet and keep to myself once i get home im tired and just wanna lay down and nap yesterday instead of working on homework when i got home i just felt so exhausted i fell asleep on the couch i had to force myself up to walk and feed my dog i havent had any appetite and have been forcing myself to eat because i know i need to eat something ive hardly been eating anything though parts of sandwiches some fries maybe and then i feel full or nauseous and cant finish it this is worse than ive ever felt and i cant seem to shake it i just want to feel normal again and i dont want to be sad and tired all the time my fiancee f has been very supportive but we are in a long distance relationship until this summer shes been away for over a year now and i proposed back in october she tries to talk to me as much as she can but throughout the day she is at work and of course gets busy i totally understand that but i really look forward to getting her messages because it makes me feel just a little better im really hoping that after this week or so things start going back to normal i keep telling myself its only more months and ill be done and all my hard work will have paid off but i just cant seem to feel better i cry in the morning on my lunch break on my way home from work and once i get home i just wish there was a way to make this just go away again sorry if this was all over the place or hard to understand i just felt like i needed to get it off my chest as i dont really have many people to express these feelings to and i dont want to overwhelm my fiancee because she isnt a therapist she doesnt deserve to bear the weight of her stress and also mine anyways thanks for reading i guess and thanks for having this place available,post,female
depression,2020-01-16,be still my heart literally venting sorry i f had been diagnosed with depression since i was years old ive also be saddled with bi polar disorder anxiety and pcos polycystic ovary syndrome i have attempted to end my life times all failed duh obviously i didnt plan to live past my th birthday was last week and i feel very lost im unmarried cant seem to accomplish a relationship unless its a fwb or a hook up dont want either i work in a horrible job and i want to leave but i cant seem to even get an interview for other jobs i have a bachelors in theatre and im passionate about it yet my confidence is shot dead im very hard on myself because i am petrified of failing when i do fail its the end of the world i do have a temper but i do my best to keep it under control sometimes its just not by choice when i get upset im kind im funny im understanding im not ugly i dont think i have long straight red brown hair hazel eyes that are actually rather pretty pale skin and small hands and feet i have an hourglass figure yes i have some extra weight on me ft in  lbs but fervently trying to lose some weight im intelligent and yes im good at sex due to lots of safe practice but i find im extremely insecure the more i like someone so i become bossy and jealous when i dont realize i can appear to be confident and outgoing but when im alone im the most dark and depressing person constantly attacking myself i feel like no one actually likes me im a burden and exhausting to anyone i talk to and i really do think im better off dead since my belief in true love and trust is gone im still the same lonely single person while all my friends are getting married having babies and going about their lives even my younger siblings have been in relationships longer than years my longest was months its my moms favorite joke that i dont like people so i do my own thing i attract crazy or old or selfish people thats why i have trouble daying i dont think i was meant to find love and i cant seem to live with knowing i wont be someones loving wife or a childs mommy it breaks my heart and i try not to think about it but its getting harder and harder to ignore how desolate i feel ,post,female
depression,2020-01-16,i f have been struggling a lot with being so easily exhausted by my relatively non complex life and dont know how to keep treading water let alone progress at all in life as the title says im a yo female with what should be a pretty okay existence ive struggled with depression and anxiety for almost years now in varying degrees and it caused me to drop out of college but i now at least have an apartment with my so of two years and have held the same okay paying retail gig during that time but for months now ive felt the backward slide begin ive begun having panic attacks at work again in the employee restroom so at least im not interfering and absolutely dread going there every day and when i get home early afternoon i can never even muster the ability to do much of anything productive audiobooks and sudoku are my mind distracting go to just to waste time until bedtime but i dread my few days off too everything feels overwhelming for no reason my boyfriend has to remind me of everything from refilling my meds to paying our rent and i even procrastinate basic self care like showers for more days than i should dry shampoo and cleansing wipes yo because it takes such an effort im maintaining so poorly now that any idea of the future sends me into a spiral i have no career drive or certification no real ambitions or goals and i cant afford therapy but have tried it in the past i just feel so thoroughly exhausted and sick of the fact that almost everything overwhelms me and have no idea where to go from here im just so tired sorry for the wall of text vent and lack of specific question i guess im mainly looking for advice or even a sympathetic high five at this point ,post,female
depression,2020-01-16,depression is ruining university for me please help my mental health is ruining university for me and i dont know what to do im f in first year studying a very intensive course im pretty sure im going to have to redo this year because im about to hand in a half finished project late thats a big part of this years grade i feel so utterly disgusted with myself for letting this happen im overcome with guilt and shame and im really not sure what to do as some background no one asked for lol ive had mental health issues forever but ive never really had the help or support i needed im fairly sure im depressed and have been for a while people have been telling me for years that they think im depressed and need help but only over the past year or so have i come to terms with it and accepted it my gp has reccomended i start on antidepressants but im just terrified i said id think about it and go back but i never did im too afraid to ive used up all the free counselling im elegible for with uni and i cant afford to buy any my old therapist said she believed i needed long term help and support to revover my family wont help i dont have a great relationship with them and they besides they dont really believe in mental health issues anyway i do have an autism assessment coming up though so hopefully that could help i have no friends i cant talk to people i dont want to do anything but lie around and sleep i constantly feel so ashamed and guilty and its exhausting i want to find some way to express to my lecturers that it isnt because im lazy or totally incapable its because im ill but im not diagnosed with any condition officially though so i have no basis for a special consideration and really theres no reason for them to believe me what do i do just tell them anyway but what if they think im some freak making excuses amp x b worst thing is that i worked hard to get on my course and i care so much about doing well i feel like im watching everything slip away and im letting it go im just too tired i dont know what to do i feel like i cant fight anymore sorry to post here but i hope someone has had a similar experience and can help me thank you so much for your time anyway and i hope you have a lovely day ,post,female
depression,2020-01-16,everything is numb first post on reddit after a few years lurking so sorry if this is not allowed or i did something wrong its week back this semester of college and i f am so depressed i can barely make it to work much less class i cant focus and barely leave my apartment or do more than lay in bed or sit at my kitchen table forcing myself to eat i know i wont kill myself because i couldnt do that to my mama but ive started self harming again after being clean for a few months i was just fine last week through sunday but sunday night i was hit with a bad case of depression ive had depression this bad near the middle end of the semester and i havent been able to get out of the slump until after finals usually one trigger i think was that my friend told me their sister killed themselves idk maybe i started imagining what it would be like to be me not sure this slump also happened last time i heard someone on campus had killed themselves despite not knowing either person idk why im posting this maybe someone can fix me im tired of being tired and numb and so empathetic influenced by others lives and deaths im on antidepressants trying to eat healthy and trying to go to the gym x a week i just dont know how to get over this ,post,female
depression,2020-01-17, f feels like the world just shit on me hello there all first time posting im depressed af my financial situation has been terrible and just now was starting to bounce back i missed a lot of work due to illness and my fianc has had to help a lot with finances this paycheck i was hoping to start coming back from me missing so much work and be able to start paying my fianc back the weather where i live has been very bad today rain sleet ice road conditions have been terrible so i called into work for my own safety but decided a minute drive to get groceries wouldnt be too bad i was incredibly wrong i got into a car accident followed by me slipping and bashing my head chipping my tooth i dont know whats going to happen with my car since it was my fault i dont know if ill need to buy a new car or not so on top of that i had to let my parents know because i am using their discounts multi car home owners insurance etc through their insurance company im not sure if this will affect their rates or not so along with the accident im going back to school but my parents dont support me theyre concerned because the school is a bit of a drive and they dont trust my driving i drove carelessly in my early s and that seems to have marred their thinking about my driving now despite this being my first accident in years i dont have friends my family is not supportive i just have my fianc so dear reddit user i am posting here because i feel like im in this dark pit and am not coming out of it i feel like i have no support and am falling slowly back down today has been terrible and some days i just dont want to be here anymore ,post,female
depression,2020-01-17,feeling lonely f london uk stuck in a hospital hi as the title says im currently stuck in a hospital in london uk after a mental breakdown i know very niiiice im currently waiting to be moved somewhere for further mental health assessment with possibility for being stuck in limbo for the weekend not knowing where im going next just feeling like shit have literally no one to talk to as i have no family and my long term partner has recently broken up with me oh and i lost my job a couple of days ago too please i dont need anymore negativity in my life so if youre going to be a nasty troll just move on please anything will help thanks ,post,female
depression,2020-01-17,advice for gp visit hi im f going through a lot of stuff at the minute and really feel like i need to speak to my gp or professional pretty soon i know im depressed and i feel like nows the time i need to talk to someone who isnt family they just dont seem to understand and say unhelpful things like try to stay positive the only thing is i have severe anxiety too so the thought of sitting in the gps room and bringing my mental health up makes me very uncomfortable i cry when i try to rehearse what im going to say i find it hard to put together the right words when im super anxious and i dont want to do that in front of the doc and feel like just saying im depressed isnt the right way to do it i read about possibly writing a list of things i want to say incase i forget has anyone done that does anyone have any advice on how i can bring it up to my doctor or has anyone done it a particular way which made them feel more comfortable i appreciate any advice guys thanks ,post,female
depression,2020-01-17,i have to fight my brain every day and it makes me too tired to do anything else f i spend the majority of my day fighting my brain i have to fight to get myself to do the bare minimum today i was just walking around and did three simple errands that took all of hours if that but i was exhausted i didnt have anymore energy to do anything so i just went home and spent the rest of the day in bed recovering its because theres a war going on in my head im constantly fighting off passive suicidal thoughts aka suicide ideation always having to tell myself to live in the moment and things are better comparatively even though it never actually feels like it im trying to not let good times pass me by because im thinking its all bad or ignoring the good parts and after all that fighting im too tired im too tired to really focus in on my classes or any of the important shit i gotta do in order to be something i wish sometimes i lived in an alternate reality where it isnt required to have a college degree to make good money i dont want to be the next bill gates i just want a comfortable nondescript life i hate having to push myself super hard because my super hard doesnt match the do all you can to be rich and successful mindset america wants us citizens to have i dont know if any of this makes sense but thanks for reading ,post,female
depression,2020-01-18,im so fucking depressed and done with life i genuinely do not see a future for myself im not suicidal i just wish i was never born and think everyones lives wouldve been a lot better without me in them no one can convince me otherwise im f and due to some issues im not currently in university and spend all my time at home doing nothing i exercised for few days but because im a fucking failure i cant keep up with anything im so fucking pathetic god i dont even know why i made this account i didnt want to annoy my friends and theyre all busy anyway i need to change but im too fucking depressed i cant even cry or feel sad i just feel empty i cant even go to therapy because im not allowed to leave my house yay for living in a third world country with strict religious parents that think leaving the house is the most dangerous thing im sorry,post,female
depression,2020-01-18,how do you know when its time to go on antidepressants f here with a history of depression and anxiety im going through a lot of life changes right now and having a hard time loss of job moving to a new city living with in laws im considering whether i should ask my doctor for a prescription for antidepressants or whether i should just keep trying to deal with how i feel on my own my question for those of you that currently take or have taken antidepressants how do you know when its time to go on antidepressants ,post,female
depression,2020-01-19,am i the only one with this kind of problem i discovered that i have a issue with romance everytime when i start watching a show or a movie on netflix or some other platform and i see even a tiny bit of romance in the show movie its just ruined for me i legit cant watch it anymore i have to close it and never watch it again my bitterness and lowkey hate for peoples happiness just gets triggered a small backstory about my life disclaimer english is not my first language since im from finland but ill try my best also im sorry if my grammar is gonna cause you a stroke i was diagnosed with severe depression when i was and before that i was diagnosed with nld and adhd and mild autism and people havent really treated me well if you dont count in my parents i never had any issues at home or anything like that but outside my home i never really fit in a any mold or form of society i was bullied a lot at school and outside of home mostly because of how i looked i was pretty chubby during the ages of  and how i behaved since i didnt have any sort of filter for things that i said or my behaviour in general and i really have to salute my parents for tolerating my shithead behaviour during those ages when i was i started to date this girl with a lot of mental problems and she meant the world to me i got really attached to her i did a lot for her and i was there for her when no one else was and i was the one who helped her get better since the life in her household was pretty terrible her mom left her when she was a kid and her dad was a drug alcohol abuser we dated around years and in those years i did everything to help her overcome her social anxiety and cope with depression we never had any major problems and she became like a part of our family my mom would even treat her like her own daughter but people with mental problems really shouldnt date anyway she ended up cheating on me with times st time i forgave her since she convinced me that she was drunk and didnt think clearly and was just horny and because i loved her so much and didnt wanna leave her which was dumb after that she did it again and i was so heartbroken and i didnt really handle it well so she ended leaving me pretty scarred and damaged its been years since that happend but i still often find myself thinking about her and if she is happy or enjoying the life she has it was really hard for me to move on and actually try to meet new people and even try to find a new girlfriend which i eventually did find but we didnt last very long weeks i guess im just unable to properly let people go and keep living in those same old stupid memories of people that never actually loved me i guess im still bitter for giving too much of myself only it to be thrown away like a cigarette bud gt song relates https www youtube com watch v flptm tig https www youtube com watch v flptm tig ,post,female
depression,2020-01-19,i thought depression was just a phase in my teens f im getting married soon and am leaving my crappy job for a new one i should be thrilled but im still crying myself to sleep ,post,female
depression,2020-01-20,cant stop eating to make myself feel better and spending money i dont have anyone else do that im f ive always been bad with money growing up we didnt have much so once i was educated and started working i didnt deprive myself of anything i wanted and it made me feel really good and happy i have continued to be this way my whole life even after marriage and buying a house and kids etc never got into debt but to my husbands frustration was never capable of saving any money either just recently started medication for depression and anxiety because i finally got to a point where i knew i needed to seek help and now i am in debt by a few thousand because of my spending to get happy habit getting out of controi i think its a coping mechanism even though the medication has helped me loads i am still in a constant state of subdued depression and therefore am still constantly seeking out those instant rises im spending money i dont have and i need to stop but dont know how something else will need to replace the spending but what i have the same issue with eating ive always been very slim but these last two years where my anxiety and depression seemed to peak i have put on a lot of weight when im not spending money i dont have i eat food that i shouldnt be eating mostly junk food because it makes me feel instantly better that lasts about minutes because i then start to feel guilty and annoyed with myself for caving in  i know losing weight would make me feel better for longer cuz ill look good and that will boost my confidence and my appearance right now is one of the big things that gets me down but i cant seem to break this cycle of eating and spending to make myself feel better dont know what to do oh i also pick the skin around my nail bed to the point of maki g them bleed i started having regular manicures done to tackle that at the same tome of starting my medication and it has helped a lot i do still have the urge to pick my skin but im able to resist more from fear of ruining a manicure i paid money for lol ,post,female
depression,2020-01-20,i f have today for the first time in a while planned my suicide in my head i was in philosophy class per usual my professor was insulting us telling us how we do not understand anything per usual no one gave a fuck per usual and i was lost in my thoughts per usual you know that huge feeling that oppresses your chest and makes you wanna explode ripe your hearth out so you dont feel anything anymore well that just fought with my boyfriend my group of friends in my classroom do not give a fuck about me and i think thats because they dont really like my bf in any ways they are amazingly rude and it is just so hurting i felt so intensly overwhelmed and when im overwhelming i feel suicidal i just laid on my desk head in my arms and it just flashed in my head fuck it would have felt so good to actually be dying like i dont know taking a lot of meds or just laying in the bathtub and cutting my wrists open slowly passing out in the warm water the music i like in the background that just sounds like such a relief i hate myself and just my life lately and i hate myself even more because i dont really have any reason to be sad im just a fucking unhappy brat and when i think about all the pain my family and my boyfriend would feel if i did that i just hate myself even more for being so selfish im just so lost life just doesnt feel like it is actually worth living i cant understand the point am i just born with no willing to live im under so much pain ,post,female
depression,2020-01-20,suicidal f im ugly worthless woman and im going to kill myself this year ugly women have no value in this world only attractive women are worthy of relationships all i ever wanted was love and sense of belonging and ill never get it i tried over and over and over but now im just exhausted i have suicide thoughts every day especially in the morning all i ever experienced was unrequited painful love and shallow friendships with people who used me and belittled me i was bullied a lot as a child and my mother abused me my father didnt really care about me my mother divorced him when i was s kid because he was a drug addict im and i wasted my youth i tried therapy medication having hobbies but it didnt help i feel like even if i achieved success i would still be miserable because i cant erase how poorly i was treated my whole life how guys treated me like shit laughed at me and called me names just because they didnt like the way i look im dissappointed with this world ill never experience happiness or at least life of normal human being ,post,female
depression,2020-01-20,used to have a fear of death and now casually suicidal lmao the irony hi i dont know if anyones gonna read this but i just really need to put my thoughts down into words im f and ive had a really bad outlook on death mortality my entire life when i was about seven i used to be unable to sleep because i would contemplate the shortness of my life against the infinity of time at the time the only way i could reasonably reconcile my limited time on this earth was placing immense pressure on myself to be successful so i would have a long lasting legacy when i inevitably passed and i just developed a really toxic perfectionist attitude and a lot of general anxiety when i got older this fear really started fucking with my mental health i dont know exactly when it started but i started imagining vivid ways to kill myself whenever i felt anxious or like a failure and it really messed me up because my coping mechanism was basically a fantasy of the thing i feared the most in high school i began developing more so recognized my internal philosophy that we are all not unique in ways that are significant which basically ruined the remaining shreds of my self confidence and will to live now i feel like ive reached a certain point of apathy where im just in a state of being casually passively suicidal i cant bring myself to commit suicide because i would feel so guilty doing so but i really just want to go to sleep one night and never wake up i guess i still have some hope for success since i am young but every minor setback just seems so amplified in my mind and causes me to go down a slippery slope and i end up just wanting to die anyways the shittiest thing is theres literally no reason for me to feel this way i cant pinpoint any traumatic childhood event that triggered this fear of death or led to this point of constantly wanting to die i come from a decent family with two parents and a pretty stable household i guess the only negatives are that my dad was always pretty volatile and constantly criticizing me and my mom would just avoid me when i used to have breakdowns and cry not in a neglectful way though it was just her way of de escalating the situation but i do resent her a little for it i just really dont know what to do anymore i dont want to live because everything seems daunting and requires too much effort but i really cant bring myself to kill myself either and theres this added element of fearing death and feeling guilty about not really having a reason for wanting to die in the first place i dunno i guess im just confused tldr confused teen who used to fear death and is now passively suicidal and just generally unable to cope with life ,post,female
depression,2020-01-20,feeling hopeless after a falling out hey all i f am basically at the end of my rope i have struggled with depression for most of my life it has been varying degrees of manageable but lately it has been getting harder and harder i recently had a falling out with an online community i cared about very much it was mostly my fault it is hard to not feel the sense that i am fundamentally a bad person sorry for the lack of details i am just frustrated and lonely ,post,female
depression,2020-01-20,my lifes at a standstill i f graduated from college a few years back but still havent found a job with my degree im working a job thats no longer challenging i hate going and hate that i feel stuck there any entry level jobs with my degree make  less an hour than im making now and i cant justify that kind of pay cut i dont have many friends ive never dated not because i dont want to but because i havent found anyone and no one has ever been interested i havent put in a lot of effort though im depressed and anxious all the time when im with one of my few friends i spend most of the time worried that ill say or do something to make them want to bail i spend most of my time working and sleeping i was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease thats taking a lot out of me im grieving the loss of living a normal life while trying to adjust to being sick tired and miserable all the time i just feel like im on this hamster wheel living the same day over and over nothing to look forward to no growth hecka lonely and wondering what the point is really its so hard feeling sad and anxious and nothing all at the same time ,post,female
depression,2020-01-21,wife f is depressed an want to know if cubs will help hello all my wife has depression and she doesnt want to take meds any alternatives like cbd effective to combating depression ,post,female
depression,2020-01-21,i dont know what im going through someone please help me i am a f and im not working and living with my parents i feel like a failure its been weeks since i went out of my room always staying in my room blinds closed and basically not doing anything i cry for no reason i have no interest in anything that i love to do once even though i have lot of goals in my mind its been a while without human connection and i dont know what to do and where to start i know its bad but i dont have energy to do anything do i have a problem but i dont know what it is i feel stuck i feel like nothing is working i feel numb i feel nothing what to do ,post,female
depression,2020-01-22,sos college post drink depression im a sophomore in college f who regularly goes out partying with my friends days a week i have a history of overdoing it and either blacking out doing something embarrassed which leaves me feeling really fucking ashamed with this horrible pit in my stomach when i wake up i cant even close my eyes without feeling like the scum of humanity and feeling like a terrible person even though i go to a party school and im definitley not the only who blacks out sometimes this feeling of shame has gotten so correlated with my drinking that even when i havent blacked out in months or do anything embarrassing the night before i still wake up feeling this crippling shame and its horrible i know people are gonna say that if it feels this bad i should just stop drinking but thats not possible at the moment due to the social sphere im in at school and just the general binge drinking atmosphere my college has does anybody else get this and if so does anybody have any advice on how to stop it ,post,female
depression,2020-01-22,will trazodone mg for sleep cause weight gain hey everyone ive f have struggled with depression amp anxiety for many years i have been on and off medications ssris amp alprazolam xanax for three years now i am currently off of them having most recently been prescribed a low dosage of zoloft i didnt notice at first but the zoloft caused me to be so tired during the day i had to take at least a two hour nap or i would not be able to function my appetite increased immensely and i gained pounds i recently got back to around the weight that i was at before being on the zoloft and the only problem i have experienced is that i cannot sleep through the night i have tried so many different natural remedies and i exercise nearly every day i updated my doctor on my condition and she prescribed me mg of trazodone to help with sleep im not sure about it though because i just dont want to gain the weight back because my weight increasing causes a lot of anxiety and depression factors and mentally its better for me to be off of the medication without the weight gain i know i sound like i have an eating disorder but i do not i eat a regular and healthy diet i weight lift and i worked very hard to lose lbs once i graduated out of highschool i am  lbs and im content with where i am at with my weight and just want to tone up and be fit summary i was prescribed this med by my dr to help w sleep what were some side effects that you experienced while on this medication i am afraid that i will gain back the weight that i worked really hard to lose and that would in turn be very defeating has it helped you with sleep any other effects you noticed thank you in advance,post,female
depression,2020-01-22,i feel like a ugly loser f i feel like a ugly loser i hate my face i was always bullied for my nose and i am still insecure about my face i hate looking in the mirror i live alone with my dog he is the only reason im still alive i dont talk to my family anymore my friends are very supportive but i feel like a disappointment to my family and friends i cant go outside without feeling self conscious and anxious my anxiety is destroying my life my confidence is also gone after my ex decided to cheat i just want to give up im turning soon and i will still be alone my friends are married and im still single i am just hopeless,post,female
depression,2020-01-22,describe depression in your own thoughts feelings emotions my mom yrs has been suffering with depression for a little over a year now she goes in and out of it and i would say about weeks out of the month she has a hard time getting out of bed doing daily tasks etc i f have been one of her biggest supporters i do my very very best to be there for her all the time and ive done endless hours of research on how to understand and help her through it but im curious i feel like i can only gain so much understanding from reading mainstream science articles on depression so i wanted to get some perspective from people that go through it on a daily basis i want to understand it for her so i can help i know everybodys depression is different but i figure at this point anything can help also if anybody has any advice they would like to give i would appreciate that as well i love her dearly and i never wish this type of pain on anybody i can see how much it hurts just by the look on her face but i also feel sometimes very in the dark about how she truly does feel thank you in advance everybody side note she is on medication and does see a therapist but is still struggling again thank you ,post,female
depression,2020-01-23,trying to psych myself up hey guys i f am trying to psych myself up to make a doctors appointment after work i have awful anxiety and depression and i snapped last night ive never wanted to stop existing for such a long time im trying to make myself go to the doctor after work today and make an appointment but i need some more motivation knowing myself ill get to the door then back tia,post,female
depression,2020-01-23,i feel like i ruined my life trying to save it just a little background im f and was diagnosed when i was with depression i had weight loss surgery a week ago today the combination of not being able to eat not wanting to fuck it up and having been off my meds for a week really messed with me i feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life by having this and i felt it from the second i woke up which im told is experienced by pretty much everyone who has the surgery but on top of the normal buyers remorse of having surgery i am fighting myself with eating and the more i try to explain it the less people understand i am hungry not for steak or chicken nuggets but just for literally anything but every time i try to put food into my body my brain spirals and creates a psychological effect of blocking off the hunger so i take a sip my brain tells me im full but my stomach is still screaming in hunger this misery made me give up so ive just been drinking water as i can which isnt much this lack of nutrients has my body extra exhausted and my brain is too ive thought of thousands of ways to die already im not suicidal but i dont want to live anymore im tired and it just feels like my body is confirming that i fucked up and i did the wrong thing on top of that i work for my dad but ive been so exhausted i cant go back to work and he is mad i know hes not actually mad but i feel the silent unavoidable anger he feels but doesnt show its just all making me spiral hard ,post,female
depression,2020-01-24, m who has the voice of a f and it sucks im okay not suicidal or even hurt myself but i just wanted to mostly see who has this same problem its just a really shit situation all together since ive been a kid always having that high pitches girl voice even though i have been told by doctors and other friends i will grow out of it its always been a problem online with most people thinking im a egirl and harassing me and some extreme cases of some of them thinking im a lady and hit on me and unsolicited pictures ngl its nice to hear the compliments but i am a guy afterwards and im not transgender i like my ladies it just sucks that many people hear and think i am its even come to a point a couple years ago i said fuck it and called myself crazygrandma and yurtrannygranny cus why tf not its been really bad lately with me being attacked not respected and just all around nobody listening to me if this is the bullshit you ladies out there experience online i truly am sorry you have to suffer with it its nice at least i do have some lady friends online who know about it but its just crazy how your voice can be such a judgement factor online ,post,female
depression,2020-01-24, f experiencing hair loss cant leave my bedroom im heartbroken ive struggled with depression my whole life but the past few years ive made such incredible progress in beating it now i find that ive been losing my hair and years of hard work have been undone all at once its pm and i still havent left my bedroom still havent eaten anything today or had a sip of water the thought of leaving my bedroom makes me want to cry i dont want anyone to look at me i dont want to go out in public i dont want to encounter anyone and have to put on a brave face and a fake persona i want to be invisible today because my hair is falling out and i feel ugly ,post,female
depression,2020-01-24,my poem about depression depression is being tired all day but not sleeping at night my emotions being so low and the next moment they take flight when something isnt working and it feels like a personal attack when something so small can set me so far back when there are days when my will to live is sick withered and black the guilt i feel for burdening peoples lives with the flaws of my personality coping with it by laughing at it casually not wanting to pick up phone calls listen to voicemails or answer texts not wanting to do anything cause sometimes i just wished i were dead there even when my life is filled with laughter love and everything i could want i swear it has nothing to do with you mom the guilt again because whats there to be depressed about you have a good family and a warm house in my head my heart i feel it in my body killing me from the inside i can feel myself rotting the most beautiful minds are capable of the ugliest thoughts even if i lose this fight aleast i could say i fought note f i had a really bad month in november almost admitted myself it was the first time i had felt that way since in over a year i felt balanced and content during the duration of my pregnancy and even after birth but after returning to work when my baby turned months old i slowly started to deteriorate and return to my pre pregnancy state ,post,female
depression,2020-01-24,im f i really dont know how to change my shit life tl dr i have no work experience have no idea if i can get a job with messy yellowish teeth and for being underweight i have social anxiety and no friends because of isolation since years old low self esteem and mental disorders that havent got diagnosed yet because im too broke to even go to the clinic and get checked addicted to nicotine and caffeine again i feel like something is seriously wrong with me and whatever it is it got worse and makes me freezes in sadness and makes me suicidal full story my parents marriage didnt work out but theyre still together despite great economy struggles this is important because my parents clashed in their way raising their children my father is strict and disciplined but hes too busy working so we can eat my mum on the other hand only cooks and clean the house she dont even care about the future and educations of her children ever since leaving school because my father cant afford it in  my brothers and i have been growing up as it is we study only when we feel like it sleep and woke up late we manage to get education even though me personally are years late im already in university where i can study at home but its damn difficult because i was not disciplined i think i failed the first term i start to rethink why i pick the business major when i have no interest in it but im too anxious to tell my father that i want to change major because that means the money is wasted im anxious for the test results thatll come out in february my breaking point is in december last year when its the final exam i have a break down and became suicidal my mental state hasnt got any better for a long time i have been trying to be disciplined starting over and over and over again but always failed i have been writing a journal since  and theres no major improvement at all in fact i got worse i woke up at p m today because i cant sleep until a m i havent done anything productive just mindlessly watching yt videos and writing some shitty fan fiction my father has long given up on me my father said his work partner our only source of income for years will close their business i think in the beginning of june my brothers and i are in our s none of us was ever employed or working im pretty sure my brothers also have depression seeing their behaviour so i cant really depend on them but i dont want this to continue i planned to get my mental health checked this month but my sadness pushes me to buy cigarettes instead though thats not the only problem im too scared that once i do go my father will questions me and will talk me back on not going to the therapist like back in december and im just simply not ready to share my thoughts because were not that close maybe he thought im just lacking discipline and simply lazy i dont think thats the case i have done some research i think i might have the inattentive type of adhd and it has been the massive hinder in my life that always makes me fail im interested in so many things but i feel like i dont know how to start finding out or working on them i used to think i liked to read but i have pile of books i bought that i never read since years ago but when im doing something even studying ill forget to eat and study for hours but it only happens once or twice a month all the small responsibilities that seems easy always overwhelms me im not sure anymore just how much wrong is happen in my life and how much it drives me to insanity because no normal person would fail for years at the simplest things like sleeping or waking up early or even doing small things theyre supposed to do like making their bed after waking up its so damn hard to just wake myself up but i dont want to give up i really want to go to the clinic even if i have to walk even trying to motivate myself to live seems to be very hard ,post,female
depression,2020-01-24,if youre considering giving up read this https wakeup world com   reasons not to commit suicide what you should know about suicide before its too late utm campaign wake up world e newsletter free amp utm content latest headlines inc spiritual awakening a major signs and symptoms amp utm medium email amp utm source getresponse,post,female
depression,2020-01-25,have any of you had success with alternative treatments help is appreciated after almost a decade of therapy and meds im officially treatment resistant i dont think i can keep going with how i feel but i dont want to give up so im looking for alternative treatments to typical psych drugs i f have depression dysthymia cyclical depression anxiety gad panic ocd with dermatillomania and ptsd im currently on pristiq and abilify but they dont work some things ive tried dozens of prescribed meds zoloft prozac xanax got addicted cymbalta buspar hydroxyzine bupropion trintellix wellbutrin etc therapy talk exposure acceptance etc supplements nac l theanine caffeine vitamin b vitamin d illegal drugs mescaline lsd lsa legal drugs siberian motherwort dagga cbd not in a legal marijuana state kava kava tried today helped but worried about liver interactions with other meds i cant afford ketamine therapy id consider microdosing lsd but i dont have access to it currently anyone got any other ideas im kind of at the end of my rope here ,post,female
depression,2020-01-25,am i attacking myself with depression by thinking about my life i am in a pretty rough patch right now im a f and am currently a college student i have been looking for a job for months now and i have applied to literally everywhere that would take my application in the area and i have followed up to almost every single one i have only gotten two interviews i got hired for one but was laid off before i even started orientation i am engaged and im planning a wedding that im barely going to be able to afford because apparently trying to find a job as a millennial college student is absolutely useless my fianc has a full time job and is working so hard to keep us afloat but even so we still are struggling because even working full time barely covers living wages and believe me we are living bare minimum too i have other things going on but for the sake of the question ill stop anyway when i think about these things i get these weird out of body experiences where i just look at myself in the mirror or think about my life and i cant help but feel like everything is kinda trivial i cant help this it just happens and its really hard to explain i look in the mirror and i dont see myself i see a person that i barely recognize i feel like im aimlessly drifting toward goals that ive always aspired to college marriage a stable job but when i think about them in return i get all of these weird feelings and fall into a spontaneous depression its starting to happen more frequently but it usually only follows when i think about all of the stuff in my life right now so am i attacking myself by thinking about these things that should be happy even though im not feeling happy about them or is this something i cant control also should i seek help or ride it out i have never dealt with this sort of thing so i have no idea how to handle it please help ,post,female
depression,2020-01-26,the time has finally come i can leave this sub f hii finally finally i can leave this sub i start to feel better havent been suicidal in weeks and im almost months clean from self harm im not completely over it perhaps need a few more therapy sessions and i think i need to take my meds for a while longer well at least they work i have been depressed for almost years now cutted myself for over a year and had a lot of suicidal thoughts for over a year and it finally starts to go away so this means im leaving the sub but my door will always be open for all of you i believe in you all that you can beat this stupid illness take care yall ,post,female
depression,2020-01-26,i feel like im so behind in life and everything is pointless hi hope youre doing well f here i have struggled with depression and anxiety for years now and although sometimes it seems to get better i always relapse right when i was about to start university years ago my parents got a messy divorce and i had to move with my mom to a new city where i had no friends it really took a toll on me and i lost my confidence i was never super confident but i was capable of things i had good grades i was sure i was gonna have a decent future it all changed though and today im so insecure and self conscious about everything that i started to avoid situations just so i dont embarrass myself its been years and i still dont have my degree actually it was supposed to take years and i have only passed about year and a half of it in total its so fucking ridiculous im european so studying isnt expensive compared to places like usa but having a degree is considered prestigious everywhere in the world i just dont believe in myself and the more it takes for me to finish my degree the more anxious i feel because im so behind all my friends im ashamed to admit im still studying when im with them because i feel like an absolute failure i have no motivation to study and i think that at this point even if i did finish my degree in the next years i wouldnt even be proud of it because i would have taken like twice the time i was supposed to please help me i feel so bad my dad says hes ashamed of me and has to lie to his friends bc their children have already finished their degrees i feel like ill never finish mine and i just lost another semester i feel like its useless to expect something different from the next semester because im always the same shit ,post,female
depression,2020-01-26,i dont want to have to live any longer f and i just cant do it anymore school is starting in days and i cant do another year of it i really fucking cant i keep thinking about the future about growing up getting a job working to live and i cant ever see myself happy in that kind of situation no matter what i do where i go how i live there will always be that routine to get up eat food make money exist i seems so goddamn unbearable nothing is interesting anymore nothing excites me i cant live anymore i cant live in a world where i have to do something i literally cant fucking do it i hate everyone i dont want to go back to school to see familiar faces everyone smiling working like they can do it like they are excited to grow up to start their life to follow their dreams i dont have any fucking dreams anymore i dont know happiness or excitement they seem so foreign to me the last time i was excited was before i got high and drunk so i didnt have to be stuck with all these fucking thoughts anymore so i could just be numb and happy i cried when i came down from that high because i went from giggling and smiling to the biggest fucking wave of depression ive ever felt but now i realise im always at that level of depression i just felt fucking happy for once and i didnt want to let it go none of this fucking makes any sense any more my fingers are moving too fast for me to see if this is in actual fucking english or just a jumble of a numb and scared teenagers thoughts im fucking sorry,post,female
depression,2020-01-26,i think shes f now free thought about this for a while i was skeptical about posting it first but for the first time in a very long while i just want to speak and let some words out my girlfriend of three years broke up with me a few days ago she said its best if we go our separate ways i met her on one of these social media apps and someway somehow we started communicating a lot normal conversation start became late night texts and you know how the story goes honestly when i realized i was having feelings for i tried to get away and this is due to my pessimistic perspective way of seeing life i lost my mum when i was very young and my dad just a few years after i dont have to dictate what happened afterwards conventionally life becomes shztty i had a rough childhood physical and mental abuse was constant through it i still carry scars on my body i attempted suicide when i was someway somehow i survived the accident and afterwards i figured there are a lot of lives that ive touched at such a young age the only thing that makes me happy is helping others helping orphans get clothes with the little money i worked for or helping patients in need of financial help ill never attain happiness not in this life people like me arent meant to be happy but im at peace knowing others might yet find happiness through me i told myself this till my mind soul and body accepted it a reason to live shes this lively person and to put her personality in words ill say electrifying she isnt a calm before the storm shes the calm in the midst of the storm when i figured i was starting to have feelings for her i planned my death to just disappear before anyone gets hurt i made a promise to myself to never let my heart get attached to someone lost my mum and my dad was the only hope i had left then he got sick too and i lost him my sister was there for me to make sure i dont see myself as an orphan she tried her best from clothing to education when i felt a little bit of hope life took her from me my very first girlfriend cheated on me with someone from her school perhaps this might give you an idea of how shredded my emotions are someway somehow my ex and i started a relationship it was good she was so kind and full of life we had a lot of dreams if only life is fair huh as time passed i became dependent on her i gave her way too much part of me that im starting to believe there could be a chance to be happy in this life that shes the one for me and honestly thats bad because i dont think i can afford the heartbreak its pessimistic i know i had some girls have dirty conversations with me on my socials and i gave her my details so she can see it and say i wasnt faithful at least thatll make her break up with me i didnt want to be dependent on her i prefer the cold side of life its all i know i didnt want to take any chances it happened and she was rightly mad just as planned i waited for the break up but it never came she wanted us to work it out i just came out clean to her that i just wanted to break up but she asked me to stay and i just let my feelings think for me we were very much in love weeks after she told me about this incident of a guy kissing her during the whole time i was trying to break up with her it hurt and it was like the pessimistic future was certain i thought of it for a while and i told her its fine we can work through it the few months were thee best ive come close ever since my parents its like a new hope for life even though she doesnt think i trust her enough and i wasnt open to her as she was to me little arguments here and there but we worked through them one of the stand out problems from my side is i dont call often and that is due to the fact that i honestly do not like phone calls because of a phone call i couldnt make last time i spoke with my sister we had a verbal fight that i hate myself for till this minute she wanted me to be patient with life and stop hanging out with some people because i was hacking peoples account especially married men having affairs i threatened to expose them to their family and i get paid in mobile credit to keep shut she got sick few weeks later the hospital was far and i didnt have the means to make a single phone call to speak with her the next news of her that came to me was her death it shattered me i couldnt tell her she was right and i love her and shes everything to me i hated phone calls afterwards i know i kept switching between my past and my relationship but i think my past has almost everything to do with my present our relationship was good she celebrated her birthday few weeks ago heres an excerpt from what i sent her the world is too noisy life lost purpose and every picture is just blurry and when i try hard to see it from a different perspective it just is bleak when my ship wrecked in the middle of an ocean and the only thing in sight was the storm about to mix with the huge tidal waves thatll have me drowned you came on youre the hope that redefined life for me cos even amidst that storm you showed me the ocean can yet to sailed it was a rocky relationship we have our moments but it couldve been better major depression trauma anxiety and adhd were what im struggling with and sometimes i feel like she just doesnt understand what its like to be me i was tired of the little fights so i opened up to her about my condition and everything regarding my parents and i went back to therapy she was very supportive among other issues i told my therapist i want to trust me girlfriend and i want her to know that i love her and trust her i feel like she doesnt believe i do it was like everything is beginning to work till i asked for her password to change her display picture then i saw some messages she shared with someone and i wasnt comfortable with it she was too friendly calling him names and all that we had a fight regarding it and said hurtful things to each other its like the numerous ones weve had where we get back within hours cause we promised not to go to sleep being mad at each other but she later told me she needed space and i objected and later on agree i woke up to her text saying its best if we go our separate ways and i shouldnt try to convince her because her mind is made up she mustve thought about it i guess what hurts is knowing that decision wasnt made overnight she mustve been thinking about it for a while how long has she been thinking about it was i hurting her all that while it was difficult and the only choice there is to give what she wants i realized i might have been holding her back i mean come on im an emotional wreck depressed anxiety adhd still in college and im honestly not the best in this love thing i have my flaws shes now free shes the best thing to happen to me she gave me a new perspective towards life hope i had to learn to love her just to watch her go i hope she finds the happiness shes looking for wherever she may find herself life is what it is ,post,female
depression,2020-01-26,lost my ex girlfriend split years ago about half a year ago cannot seem to get over it and have never cried about it hi there this is my first post here so i hope its the right subreddit im m she was f september last year a friend of mine who ive known my entire life died in her sleep suddenly and totally unexpectedly she had a reasonably good health at least people have lived well with worse health when the news got to my family at pm everyone was crying everyone except for me me the person who knew her at least times better than my family ever did once we had a year long distance relationship stint this ended when she came and visited me and at one stage without my consent tried to give me a hand job after that we remained good friends excluding my family i knew this person the longest out of everybody lifelong friends you might call it anyway i didnt cry and i figured it was shock well its been months and the shock hasnt worn off ive looked on the internet and a lot of this seems to point to forms of depression i normally can cry so its not as if ive had a longstanding issue the closest i got to crying on the night we found out about her death was when i saw my mother i was nearly crying tears for her because i hate seeing my mum upset but there was absolutely no feeling for the girl who had died since the death i havent cried and i normally would cry but i havent is there a screw loose in my head please advise or advise a subreddit if this isnt the right place tl dr lifelong friend i have a complicated relationship with died unexpectedly and i have not cried at all ever since so im worried it could be some kind of neurological development thanks in advance,post,female
depression,2020-01-27,direct copy and paste from my suicide watch post for context im f i have a f girlfriend my biological mother step dad half sister not step dads kid and step siblings f m m ive made several attempts in the past ever since i was telling my mom i was suicidal years ago was answered with then go kill yourself see if i care my stress levels are at an all time high between college threats of being kicked out threats of rent my relationship my crazy step dad and sister of being ghosted by potential employers traveling etc im on zoloft for anxiety and depression lost my father at age my half sisters father tried to rape me on multiple accounts and my mother refused to call the cops on him bc of my sister my step father who came into my life around age frequently calls me a monster and accuses me of trying to tear my family apart my step sister constantly instigates fights and talks crap then turns around and treats me like her best friend so she can use my art supplies and my car i feel like my mother doesnt want or love me and like the world will be a better place without me in it the only people who would care are my gf my little sister and my m step sib and these three people are the only reason i havent attempted these past years perhaps my one other friend but no one else really i refuse to go back to therapy bc my mother will make my life hell again im currently alone at epcot on vacation with the family they guilted me into going after my mother told me to go away because i was ruining everyones appetite during lunch after my step sis instigated another fight that only i got yelled at for calling my gf ended with lots of youre stronger than this and you need to calm down and stop talking about what happened so i figured id post here for the first time ,post,female
depression,2020-01-27,how do i f keep from becoming more depressed after being used im pretty depressed to begin with obviously since im here i thought things were looking up for a little bit but now im back down for the last week or so ive been reconnecting with a guy m i went to high school with he works at the bar i go to so we started talking and hanging out he asked for nudes pretty early on and i sent them i wasnt really expecting it to happen but i slept with him pretty early on too i told him im not looking for a relationship but if he ever wants to hang out smoke get a drink etc im down but of course hes still blowing me off and im being ghosted i know i was used hes a jackass shit happens blah blah blah normally i can just move on and forget it but something is making me linger on this more im just so tired of shit like this happening in the past couple months ive been used by at least a few different men and its genuinely making me depressed im okay when i first start talking to them and i tend to have a pretty good time something makes it turn to shit and i wallow for too long what can i do to move past this faster i do wanna talk to him about it but there never seems to be a decent enough time tldr i was used by a guy yet again and its just making me so sad what can i do to feel better faster i already try going to the gym to help with my depression and i have mixed feelings about telling this to my therapist,post,female
depression,2020-01-27,partner is depressed stopped having sex my partner m and i f have been together for over years and have lived together for years our sex life was absolutely amazing the best ive ever experienced but the frequency of sex has decreased dramatically over the last year and its making me very disconnected and unwanted especially since this has happened before with my ex of years i ended due to the lack of sexual intimacy i began to resent my ex because i was rejected so often and other reasons however its different with my current boyfriend because he is such a great person im incredibly attracted to him and respect him very much he has undeservingly been through a lot over the past couple of years he suffered the loss of two very close family members late and early  and has been dealing with some financial difficulties which has had a negative impact on his mental health he has gained some weight as a result of comfort eating and working long hours he also dislikes his job at the moment it all started a year ago when i walked into the living room wearing just lingerie stockings and heels sat down looked at him and started playing with myself usually this would send him wild but he just looked awkward and stared at the tv we spoke and he said he didnt feel in the mood felt awkward and that he just doesnt feel good about himself lately like weight etc still he made the effort and we would probably have sex once a week fast forward to december  we hadnt had sex in weeks so i came onto him but he didnt want it we talked and he said he is depressed overweight and hates his job he said it had nothing to do with me but his own issues he said that he dreads having sex and feels very stressed about initiating it or when i initiate it he just doesnt have a sex drive at the moment he said that he wants to go to the doctors to see if he has a hormonal imbalance i said that i would let him work through it with no pressure sex aside we have a committed loving and playful relationship i am very happy with this man and i genuinely want to be there for him through everything now its been months since weve done anything sexual and im naturally feeling insecure undesirable disconnected its hard that im not able to talk about it i also cant talk about it with a friend because i feel its disrespectful it hurts that i cant help him with his depression and i wonder if our sex life can ever go back to the way it was i miss it this is out of my control so i feel like im just waiting and hoping for change please can you give me some hope or helpful advice tldr partner has become depressed havent had sex in months feeling unwanted missing the chemistry i havent experienced depression so i want to understand it to help our relationship,post,female
depression,2020-01-29, f im embarrassed of my existence i have nothing to live for nothing going for me anytime i try to do something to better my life i either ruin it myself or it just doesnt work out my self hatred and disgust has gotten to the point where i physically dont want to be seen by anyone i moved back in with my family recently after i got hospitalized lost my job left a physically abusive relationship and got kicked out of school im just a massive fuckup i hide in my room constantly pretending to be asleep whenever my family is home so i dont have to see the look of shame and pity on their faces i dont take care of myself i dont take any interest in my passions anymore i spend all my time getting drunk or high just to take myself out of my mind i am a waste of space im completely alone i cant bear to be around my family i only have a couple of friends and none of them talk to me im too embarrassed of my situation to open up to my boyfriend i dont even want to kill myself because im afraid of failing like ive done in the past i cant even kill myself correctly im just exhausted im so tired of existing i am genuinely worthless ,post,female
depression,2020-01-29,how can i f tell my parents i need to go see a therapist in my last year of undergrad but im worried im losing my mind i feel like i just cant keep up with life anymore,post,female
depression,2020-01-29,i feel so empty a year ago i m was engaged had my own apartment with my fiancee f felt like i was finally doing something right and seeing as ive been diagnosed with depression since my first attempt at my life when i was thats a very rare feeling in my life after months of being single homeless and feeling more alone than i ever have since my ex left i still feel trapped in my own hollowness i miss what i had in so many different aspects of my life that when i look around at my life now all i see is disappointment missed accomplishments and broken dreams im sure i have ptsd from all the hardships abuse arrests too much because i get these flashbacks that take me over completely sometimes and i feel like im just reliving every mistake ive ever made and im to the point of where i dont even care to try and better myself anymore because everytime i try to it just gets blown back into my face or i regret it in some way or another i dont have any family im close with i dont have any friends left and ive honestly always hated myself for so many reasons if it werent for my dog who has gone through the last two years with me idda probably attempted my life again and with the way my thoughts have been im afraid for her sake somethings gonna make me snap and she wont even be enough to keep my thoughts straight i remember being told i was destined for greatness but thanks to these chains im still locked in the basement ,post,female
depression,2020-01-29,i finally figured out what i needed yesterday i had a moment of clarity i decided to start going to counseling i briefly attended counseling in college but i wasnt receptive and my counselor refused to see me she felt that while i was there on my own free will i was not ready to commit to the methods required to progress i f live with my boyfriend m and am genuinely happy with him however i have started to feel that there is an imbalance i know that no relationship is truly  in every aspect but there is more balance that what i have been experiencing the stress of work and school have started to get to me and ive been having more bad days than good he isnt there to support me i could be crying or spiraling out in silence and he is too busy on his phone or too tired to notice i have given all of myself but gotten nothing in return it seems i need help and i wish it was from him i need someone to hear my screaming for help but it isnt him i need to start counseling to try and fix the broken parts of me because at the end of the day thats all i can rely on myself i know this may not belong here but my depression is what made me feel this way and come to this conclusion i love my boyfriend but right now i need to love myself more ,post,female
depression,2020-01-29, m f i just want to write this to get this off my chest hey first of all i just want to say that im truly sorry because i dont want anyone feeling bad for me i have health a nice family and friends and i dont have any rights to be sad or at least thats the theory im tired of looking at myself at the mirror and thinking god dude you are fucking hot you could get any girl in the world you are just the king start believing it but then time flies and i think the first time i thought that was when i was years old or so now look at me all alone and without no one to just hug me and say hey dont worry dude or love or whatever everything will be ok it all started with a little bit of low self steem but now its like everytime i see any man around me i compare myself to it and i always end up losing it doesnt matter how that guy is i always end up finding somethign that makes me think i wish i could have that as for today im still being a virgin i get extremely nervous when im around girls and i dont see myself getting better any time soon im really anxious when im in public even with my family if we are just having dinner in a nice restaurant i always feel like im being ridiculous and being that one weirdo that gets every one attention for being a retard i cant feel relaxed when im not in my comfort zone i started again my college degree stopped studying years ago and i started being one of the best in class now that exams are over i think that my best mark will be a sad out of i feel stupid and in the wrong place all the time when i get really nervous and anxious and something goes bad in my life i blame only myself for being a fucking retard and if the dissapointing is big enough i have to hurt myself or break something in order to try and calm myself but only because i deserve that and more i just want to fucking stop existing i dont have the guts to cut my veins because i hate knifes and blood and also im still at least smart enough to think that thats the worst decision to make but being a fucking failure its killing me slowly and i dont know for how much i can handle it lets at least wait until my parents are gone they are a bit old so maybe in a few years if this doesnt get any better we can start thinking about new solutions im sorry for what im about to say ill totally regret it tomorrow but sometimes i feel that a doctor telling me that i have a terminal cancer will be the only thing that would make me feel relaxed for a little bit until the day im gone im a fucking crybaby i know i shouldnt have wrote that just should have gone to bed and tomorrow will be another day like every fucking day best thing is that i spent more than euro on a psycologist and i feel like im just throwing my fucking money i dont want to bore you anymore sorry for that hope you guys have a nice day ,post,female
depression,2020-01-30,i feel like a huge disappointment i f pretty much failed last semester college im afraid to reach out to the people around me for help and i disappoint the few people who i speak with i was supposed to go out with friends today and i cancelled on them because i was feeling a weird mix of overwhelming numbness and sadness the same thing happened with different people a couple days ago my anxiety has become increasingly worse and i feel like i get no break no one notices or maybe they just dont care but i dont expect them to its not their job theyre happy in their own lives and i would most likely only ruin the mood and bring them down anyway the only relief i get is sleep which is what ill probably do now i feel so hopeless and alone in this ,post,female
depression,2020-01-30,advice on talking to parent tw mention of suicide im a almost f who lives with my mom i have been depressed for about years but most of it has been functional but the last months or so its gotten much worse and the last ive been having suicide ideation i feel like i should tell my mom therapist general doctor but am hesitant for multiple reasons backstory in middle school i texted my mom from the school bathroom i wanted to kill myself she picked me up from school and i will never forget how sad and devastated she looked we decided to just start therapy instead of a mental hospital she always insisted i tell her when i feel this way again but im scared it will trigger her active depression and i dont want to make her feel worse she is also going through marriage troubles and real estate stuff and i dont want to add to the pressure ive put off telling my therapist because im scared she would tell my mom since im a minor ive always told myself other that while i think of suicide i dont think i could ever actually do it my mom attempted in her s and always told me how devastated her parents were but sometimes i feel like i could actually do it if only i didnt have any family and no one to make sad i take sleeping pills frequently because my thoughts get worse at night and i just want to pass out should i tell my mom or try to work through with my therapist first i dont see her therapist until and im just so severely depressed right now and it feels forever i dont know if i should submit myself to a hospital or not which then triggers the question on how it would affect my schooling im in community college which starts in weeks sorry this is so ramble y personal its my first time posting here and i dont know what the norm is thanks to anyone who reads or replies to this i hope you are doing better than i am lt ,post,female
depression,2020-01-30,how to find a career when you see yourself in a coffin in years i f europe have been struggling with depression anxiety and panic disorder for about years now it started about when i graduated high school despite getting excellent grades ive been struggling with finding a career the few passions i have left entomology and film arent really an option as career in those fields seem really hard to get into ive been getting some internships lately and i struggle so much with the interviews i have no passion left and all i want is to fall asleep and die how am i supposed to answer questions like why im a good fit for the job or where i see myself in years i am a pathetic loser and will probably kill myself in the next couple years d wont do and the lies i end up telling arent very convincing any sort of minor stress leads to a panic attack ive already been disowned by family members its questionable whether i will ever be able to drive a car im on meds and attend therapy weekly but i dont get the impression that its helping much the more i keep failing and breaking down the harder it gets to get my life together which leads to even more failure i feel like such a failure im not dumb and money wise im well off but i cant anything done i hate myself can anyone here offer advice on how to break the cycle thanks for reading ,post,female
depression,2020-01-31,havent really been myself as of late am i showing signs of depression for the past two months ive m been feeling really out of place i used to have a real great relationship with my girlfriend everything i could of wanted but now all i want is to be on my own on top of all this im going to sleep at pm waking at am and snoozing until about minutes before my shift starts not out of laziness but i feel like ive had hour sleep max cause of this im not getting out to the gym like i used to every single day i never want to go to social events and i feel like im just stuck in a place job family that i just want to escape from just not sure what to do or who to tell my gf f said her ex had depression and she would finish this relationship if i ever had it although i feel like her ex may have just used depression as a means to be angry where as im never angry so thats really thrown me we live together by the way just dont really know what to do or what to feel right now its odd,post,female
depression,2020-01-31,bad idea to start meds during school i posted this in r antidepressants but thought id ask here too hi guys i was hoping to get some advice im f in college amp have been persistently depressive for years now ive never been on antidepressants or any kind of meds before was wondering what your experience has been starting meds in the middle of a school semester did it impede on your ability to fully function school wise in class on assignments during exams im moving away for university in august and would rather start meds in the spring as opposed to right before totally changing my environment but idk advice is appreciated,post,female
depression,2020-02-01,i worry about gaining weight this is my f longest and deepest depressive episode so far ive struggled with depression and self harm as a teenager and i got help at the time i sought help again after hurting myself and my therapist says i actually am clinically depressed and has made me an appointment with a psychiatrist who is more than likely going to prescribe me some medication the thing is my mother bipolar and currently in a mental facility has gotten me scared about getting fat i know she doesnt intend to but she has issues with anorexia as part of the bpd and she immediately told me that anti depressants are probably going to make me gain a lot of weight my sleeping schedule is fucked up because i either sleep too much or not enough and i am always hungry and have bad eating habits so i will regurlaly eat sandwiches and what not in the middle of the night im afraid of eating even more after being prescribed the meds but at the same time i know if i dont get help very soon i am going to end up harming myself again or worse if anyone has had the same concerns i would like to hear about your experience after being put on antidepressants ,post,female
depression,2020-02-01,my mind is beginning to scare me i like to think ive always been a mentally well person strong able to overcome most things that life throws at me but this last years has been a complete and utter shit show i dont really want to go into details about everything thats happened because its such a long story but for the first time in my life f i feel so alone and i dont know how to deal with these feelings like part of my brain is telling me to die and the other half is so scared of that first half i just end up in tears on my bed with a huge dark cloud of emotions smothering any other feelings ive never felt like this before and i literally have no one that i can talk to about it i just dont want to feel this hurt anymore ,post,female
depression,2020-02-01,i f need new friends im desperate for friends and if this catches your eye please rb ever since i finished high school i barely have friends i cut off the toxic narcissistic friends i had now im left with genuine friend my heart is heavy with sadness it feels like it might just stop beating one day and when that day comes ill have no one at my funeral i would love to hang out and catch up although i do have server depression and anxiety hence me being in this subreddit i have a partner who loves and cares for me but i need a social group i need to get out more i want a life full of friends that i can make happy memories with ,post,female
depression,2020-02-01,no one told me you wouldnt know what to do after not dying when i was am now f diagnosed with persistent depression major depression and general anxiety disorder i attempted to commit suicide but a friend intervened and so im still here before this i had been suicidal for well a very long time i think my earliest thoughts were when i was or and then i started to plan around after this attempt i tried to be proactive with treatment i got a therapist got meds and tried to do what i could to improve my life at least with those two things now years later i am still here i think thats good but i never planned for anything i thought id be dead i didnt think id ever see this age im frustrated because i cant seem to establish goals or dreams or anything honestly that is something that resembles a step forward career school home ownership etc ive been doing the day by day method for so long i dont know what i want what i can do or how i can do it when i didnt die everyone was just so happy i was alive so sure id just pick myself up and keep going but i havent ive been constantly lost people never explained to me that you dont just come out from trying to take your life into a constant state of confusion and endless insecurity about your actions in fact i feel like a lot of people treated it like a simple bump in the road like i caught the flu and now im over it and i think i can say im trying but i seem to keep hitting the i was supposed to be dead by now wall i dont know what else to call it definitely no one explained the long term affects of being depressed and suicidal how when you think youll be gone for so long you just stop focusing on the future and future planning becomes endlessly difficult when ive attempted to explain this issue with others they do not understand i generally get treated like im being dramatic annoying or just stupid like i should just get over this overwhelming feeling of loss and this inability to establish what will make me happy in life so im at a loss im feeling frustrated i know my depression and anxiety isnt going anywhere but i figured id be able to find the path again i havent im sad i havent no one seems to get this feeling im trying to explain im not gonna say it was at all a smooth years either ive gone through more meds than i could ever had imagined existing and im not on any right now i have a therapist and shes fine though i dont feel i click i was hospitalized years ago because i was pretty much ready to try again and i didnt want that im afraid im building this feeling up again im sorry for this cluster of nonsense i hope i make some sense ive never posted on this in an online community ever or really tried to explain this in a way that strangers could understand beyond my therapist i only think she half understands me most days too so i imagine this is tough to read ,post,female
depression,2020-02-01,pregnant and not feeling my best self i f have been married m for years we have kids yr old boy and a yr old girl i am currently months with baby a girl i didnt necessarily enjoy being pregnant with any of my children but i have just been down right not myself with pregnancy i have pulled away from family friends and people at work i have lost interest in just about everything i sleep all the time although that could be pregnant exhaution i am also a very neat picky and clean person and i just cannot find the urge to keep the house kept i have tried my hardest to get out of this slump i have talked to my mom husband and confided in a close coworker about my feelings just so they know what is going on although the people that see me everyday have already asked if i was alright i have also felt very insecure insecure as a parent a worker a spouse its been building and getting worse i dont like it and i dont know how to stop it i havent felt good morning sickness tired swollen unattractive and then the not feeling good started messing with me mentally my mind has really went to some wierd and dark places but im pretty sure most of it is literally all made up stuff in my mind no merit to any of it just insecurities brought on by not feeling well and trying to just push through i feel like im typically a pretty confident bubbly and playful person but i havent been lately im trying to brighten my mood by doing stuff i like started with cooking different and new foods for my family my friend bought me a seasonal depression light i bought some toys for me an hubby to try with alone time and it has helped a little and i noticed my spark coming back then tonight the light started to dim again my husband made a silly comment about checking out other women he has been out of town for a week last night was his first night back and again i am confident not a jealous person and i also will check out women with him but i took it personal this time i didnt say anything but it stung a little especially considering im feeling a bit like a whale these days my self worth is distorted and im doing my best to not let my inaccurate ideals and insecurities seep into the real world but they are i just want to be bubbly playful me again im starting to feel like maybe i cant do this all by myself any advice to conquer this is welcome ,post,female
depression,2020-02-01, f eating panda express alone in my car after being discharged from hospital for suicidal thoughts planning and self harm they only kept me for three hours and when the nurse came to take out my iv he said okay off like a bandaid and literally ripped in out of my arm the girl at panda saw id been crying so she put a free chocolate chip cookie in my bag out of pity so yeah i guess you could say ive hit a low point ,post,female
depression,2020-02-01,now what hello im a f so my bf broke up with me today out of nowhere ive been depressed since i was and the last few years ive been trying medication and still havent found anything that gets me high functioning my current meds arent working and make me have night swears every night but i have to wait until march to get in as a new patient to see anyone in my area ive spent almost every day the last weeks thinking about how itd be so much better if i were dead and or killing myself my depression has been at a point lately where i just cannot find the motivation to do anything including hobbies and work ive always struggled with employment because of my depression and am unemployed atm unemployed childless almost single again apparently will be forever poor low functioning because of mdd the only reasons im still here are one im scared to kill myself and two i cant stand the idea of what my family and friends would go through but its like why im certainly not here for myself so i have no idea what to do now as i spiral further into depression and cant seem to get medical help also the wonderful pnw usa i cant afford to anything medical but the free medical im on through my state is apparently very limited idk i just needed to rant and maybe hear things from different povs ,post,female
depression,2020-02-01,i dont feel real ive struggled with depression and anxiety since i was years old im f now and im just so unhappy i dont feel like a real person everything just seems so pointless to me nothing actually makes me happy and i try to make myself happy but nothing works truthfully the only reason i havent completely given up is because i have a full time job and when im working i dont have time to get in my head and feel this way i only feel like this when i have a day off i lay around in my bed and dont exist my room becomes a disgusting mess and so do i i dont feel anything and everything sucks i dont go to school i dont drive i just cycle through everyday nothing excites me and nothing feels good i talk to guys in hopes they will bring me that sense of happiness and wholeness but that doesnt help either i just dont know what to do anymore i feel no hope for myself at all i want to feel like i actually exist ,post,female
depression,2020-02-02,helppp my m girlfriend f suffers with severe depression shes on medications lately shes been acting a bit distant to me when shes feeling low she doesnt want to meet up short replies not interested in anything doesnt want to hurt me and i dont want to hurt her she tells me when she feels bad but tells me she feels blank and doesnt want to leave house to meet up with me she trusts me and i trust her but i want to do something to help her i asked if theres anything she wants and she doesnt want anything we took a break from ourselves but im not sure if thats a good idea now that i think about it im not sure if i should be there for her and text or call even if she doesnt feel like meeting up it hurts me like hell when i cant even text her or check up on her any advice is greatly appreciated ,post,female
depression,2020-02-02,depression is a work of the devil well what can you say about that i f finally told my dad about being depressed and this is the response i got i honestly do not know how to feel about it for context this morning i got scolded for waking up late for we had to go to church yes i grew up with a religious background well this isnt the first time though i admit that ive been like this for so many times when we got home my dad confronted me about it and asked whats the problem with you i did not say a thing i could not tell him that i dont see the need to go out of the house just to see fault finders who criticize others before criticizing themselves i did not answer for i was afraid that he would disclose the topic to my nmom who would probably see it as a joke to make fun of my dad told me that we need to talk he said that i should open up to him and that he knows there must be a problem due to my attitude at home he asked me if it was about the pressure my school has been putting on me he asked a ton of things afterwards which i cant remember anymore so i finally after a considerably long time confided my thoughts to him that i might be actually depressed and that my anxiety is taking the better of me he then told me that depression is a work of the devil he advised that i should not be depressed and focus more on the positive side and for that reason i had to attend every church activity there is i mean i have no right to say that he was wrong yet i dont agree with him either i also understand that he is trying his best to reach out to me but boy that advice is surely hard to follow amp x b tl dr i told my dad i might be depressed he told me that depression is a work of the devil note i love my dad so much he even assured me that he could listen to everything that i have to say im just a little unsure about that considering he too has his egoistic side i also have absolutely no grudge against my mom despite her being a narc though i sometimes feel frustrated that i am being deprived of some of my needs ,post,female
depression,2020-02-02,recovery hi f i was diagnosed with depression a little over a year ago i wasnt able to get out of bed before pm i felt like nothing was worth my time i am a university student and i fell completely out of line with my studies fast forward a year i switched degrees and found out what im really passionate about psychology ahah and school means so much more to me and im excited about my future and my grades have gone up two letter grades i am finally able to wake up before am and be happy to start my day my anxiety still makes it hard to go to class but i am finally happy to wake up in the morning which is such an accomplishment to me during the day if i feel tired i avoid the nap and drink some coffee i dont want to sleep away my life anymore i have this complete sense of wholeness and i never want to go back to the state i was in just less than a year ago i was on antidepressants for a bit but i went off them along with my birth control i think my birth control may have been the reason of my sadness im not sure though i am still trying to get into counselling to help with my recovery and to make sure i continue to grow overall i have finally told my friends that i am happy they havent heard that in a long time and even when i go to tell them how happy i am i have to hold back my tears emotions because its so weird to talk about happiness especially when it comes to myself i never thought i would make it here again but i am happy i did it i went through a lot of my depression alone so i dont think anyone understands how much it means to me when i say i feel happy but i dont really care i know how much it means to genuinely say i am happy because i know what i have been through and i know what the deepest darkest parts of depression brings i really just wanted to share my happy feelings and the fact that i think i might be okay again and i can not explain how big this is it does get better and even if it takes longer than the year and a half it took me it does get better ,post,female
depression,2020-02-03,im in a heartbreaking situation this will be quite long so hold your horses guys me m and my nepali gf f have been together for three months as college freshmen shes better than i thought with the spring term arriving im financially unable to attend my current four year institution so i have to transfer to a community college thats hrs away near my hometown im able to return in the fall though she and her friends are going back home to nepal for the summer amp theyll be back in the u s around august i plan on returning to my current four year by that time but not specifically for these reasons only school wise my career pathway is going great however my concern is that my gf will have another guy in her life once i return what if she friend zones me when i come back obviously idk what her love life will be like amp i know i sound like a controlling amp paranoid bf but im wondering if i should move on to another girl amp hope we can be back together once i return months is so fucking long i dont want to lose what i have because my happiness has never been this high before i dont want to live in the past thats why i moved far away to college being with a girl who will wake up early in the morning to drive through a blizzard just to buy you cough medicine is something i truly cherish because ive never met one whod do that i asked her why she did it she says i care about you more than you care about your health was i in a dream theres actually someone who loves me like this this is so rare that i dont want to leave her once i broke the news to her she starting bawling her eyes like a faucet telling me that she wont ever find a guy like me again and ill never find a girl as good as her i dont know it now but my depression is going to hit me like a bus within a week i feel like my identity amp life have truly been revoked to be honest ive never felt such a genuine connection with any girl in my life last night i was with her and we partied our asses off we got hammered and it was just her and i on the dance floor the whole bar of people were watching us dance like aarp members she looked me in the eyes and drunkly said any girl would be lucky to have you babe dont fucking forget me okay i dont want you to leave because i still really love you then she started crying again i cant believe i have to leave the very people who care for me the most lifes too good for this to change i can really be myself for once finally i had just gotten to know her other nepali friends wed go partying and cook dinner together they enjoy my company amp treat me like family being around people who actually give a shit about you is something that i hardly experienced in the past i always had to act a certain way to make friends but these people make me feel human for once i make them laugh amp they pull a few pranks on me too for once in my life i have finally reached a state of happiness that has been gone for so unbelievably long seeing her smile when i wake up in the morning gives me reason to enjoy life again i dont want to drive away from my new life i love my school campus pride and friends i dont want to be a forgotten memory to them being with her and spending time with her friends makes me feel alive now i have to leave it all behind without getting to truly bond and make more memories with them in h s i was basically alone now my faith in god is fucking gone i just want to be happy for once cut me a fucking break and stop torturing me this is too much for me what are your thoughts ,post,female
depression,2020-02-03, f sick and tired cant take it anymore year away from graduating bad english sorry is not my first lenguaje im from a small town f but i went months to a big city and i loved it i dont have friends here in my hometown but there i had a blast and i love to go out dancing and here theres not much places to go and the music sucks im extemely sad i had a bf there and i lived with him several months and went back to that city in winter vacations and on my birthday my relationship was very complicated and thats not the reason why im sad in here its because i really cant take it anymore the reason i have to stay here is because im supposed to finish college the next december  but fuck its a lot i cry almost everyday i feel like shit i met a guy and it was awful i broke up with my bf and then met another guy and i was kinda happy but this weekend my only girlfriend went out of town because its a long weekend dont have classes this monday and the actual guy im dating i know he likes me a lot and he kinda loves me hes really nice and a total gentleman but he works a fucking lot his parents have a lot of restaurants but they treat him poorly i mean they are always giving him orders and even he tells me that hes sick n tired of them giving them chores all the time because his dad doesnt do shit so this weekend we didnt go out fucking thursday and on friday he canceled me like minutes before going out because his dad told him to go check on some pipe water problem idk so he took a plumber etc and on saturday he had this event on the restaurant and i was like omfg are we really not hanging out this fucking entire weekend wtf and i was super mad because he dont understand now its fucking sunday and idk if im going out with him or not the major problem here is that if he had told me before we couldnt go out this weeknd i would have make plans to go to another city thats hrs away from here and theres more cool shit to do and i have some friends there but instead im here being depressed all days not going out and doing literally nothing because my only friend is not here and i cant go out with guy friends because i know they like me in a way so i would feel bad for this other guy and also the city is so small he would get mad or something idk boys r crazy and alsooooo i got my period on friday so im  times more depressed and sad im tired with life in general and dont know what to do i dont even see the point of going to school anymore im really having a hard time here and i have had this feeling long time ago but now i feel like its a lot and i cant take it anymore i need to get out of here or else idk what am i gonna do im so so so sad next level sad not writing this for you to feel bad for me but literally in tears rn im so sad im very confused because if he asks me to go out and i go with him i know im going to be pissed off with him cause we didnt go out for like days im saying this because we normally go out almost every day literally idk what to do any advice is good also i wanna do some hobbies like yoga or dancing but my school schedule sucks and i cant do anything im going to spinning class it really cool but just days a week and i hang out with this guy but omg im suffering idk if i should go to therapy because i dont want my family to know im depressed they are very old school and i feel they would treat me differently or feel bad idk maybe i will but idk tl dr f one year away from graduating so have to stay in her shitty hometown all this time but im done with this city have no friends no place to go dancing because music sucks here sad big time mad at my actual guy because we didnt go out this weekend,post,female
depression,2020-02-04,first appointment not sure if this is the right subreddit if it isnt feel free to take down amp x b i f have made my first doctors appointment for depression which happens next week ive taken the steps after having it for years due to various forms of abuse my mother inflicted on me among other things im really nervous and dont know what to expect or what to prepare beforehand amp x b i dont have a support system in place or anyone to ask irl ive just realised i really need help as its ruining my life id appreciate any advice or ideas anyone can suggest thanks for your time ,post,female
depression,2020-02-04,considering murdering someone to avoid homelessness hey all m and stuck in a hole im afraid ill never climb out of i still live at home with my mother whose health is deteriorating rapidly as she had me very late in her s shell probably have to be put in a home soon which means im likely to end up homeless in the next few years and there is nowhere for me to stay im an only child grandparents are dead and ive got friends year wait for city housing the problem is that i got no income coming in was denied welfare and disability and neither does my moms as she uses it to pay all the bills i cant get a job as i dropped out of high school from depression and even then i wouldnt be able to hold down an interview anyway thanks to my severe anxiety i dont even have a drivers license i rarely go outside and when i do its only when im going shopping with moms i cant leave the house alone due to my debilitating anxiety and ive no money to get help you see ive strongly considered stabbing someone to death just so i can go to prison and not worry about sleeping on the streets in f weather in prison ill be able to socialize with like minded people and even get an education theres nothing for me in the real world nothing ,post,female
depression,2020-02-05,yo does anyone wanna talk ill listen or u can listen im f we can just talk ik a lot of people on here probably just wanna talk,post,female
depression,2020-02-05,cant get out of bed ive struggled with depression for more than half my life now f but the past few years have gotten worse and worse i work in a field with high burn out rates and recently i find myself not being able to get out of bed fortunately i have a position where i can be flexible with setting my hours but its getting to the point where i cant get to work at all the spiral is real i know if i keep going like this i will get fired which makes me burrow further into bed i feel trapped at work because i am paying back a school loan i dont know how much longer i can keep this up before i lose my mind completely ,post,female
depression,2020-02-05,i want to kill myself but i cant bring myself to do it hi im a f from saudi living in the uk for university ive always had to deal with anxiety constant panic attacks low self esteem issues depression etc my entire life i never really fully experienced life like normal people do e g going out with friends dating because of how strict my family is ive never really had friends back in school either i was just always that extra person in my friends group all id do is carry their stuff buy things for them with my money because i was bullied into doing that i had to beg and cry to my family for years to let me come to the uk to study and they did but on one condition id call them everyday at least times in a day if i dont my parents threaten to call me back home they talk about me getting married as soon as i graduate almost everyday emotionally blackmailing me into it im not religious ive left religion a long time ago if they find out im not muslim anymore they will definitely disown me or worse kill me ive never really had good experiences with men either here in the uk i was r ped when i first came here most of the guys i like just lead me on have sex with me and leave this last guy i was really interested in he lead me on so much had sex with me and started ignoring me when i asked him why he isnt responding to my texts he said he doesnt feel comfortable around me because i agree with him too much and he wants someone who has different opinions than him someone whos lively this hurt my self esteem a lot i have no idea why every little thing hurts me so much i have good friends now in uni but a couple of them are a little too judgmental ive been made fun of how skinny i am too as if im not aware of that i fucking hate the way i look and when i used to talk to some of them about how i feel they tell me theyve had it worse or that i should be grateful because other people out there have it x worse i completely stopped sharing my feelings with those particular people though i have only best friends who actually listen to me but i dont wanna be a burden on them and worry them too much by telling them im suicidal i started going to therapy in uni and it does help but i just feel hopeless and exhausted again today im really tired at this point i want to end things but i cant bring myself to i dont have the power to do so right now if i could i would definitely like to end it all and rid myself of this pain ,post,female
depression,2020-02-05,i have a toxic situation waiting for me back home what do i do i f live in a foreign country in europe since  i came to the country to study for years so by october i have to leave the country unless my situation change i was happy to leave my country since my family is very toxic my mother hate my father my father loves my mother of the time and my brother m blames me for his failure in life he thinks that i used all the money that my parents had to go to university witch is not true at all and though he beats my father and my mother on a daily basis the abuse from my brother started when he was a teenager he would beat my father and mother for simple things like telling him to do his homework he attempted suicide many times and wanted to kill me and my family many times he wanted to disfigure me with a knife and wanted to kill my parents because they failed him according to him they love me more so they spent everything they have for my education and they forgot about him the truth of the matter is that he never wanted to study since a young age and with my parents forcing him to study he became very violent and thus did not propose to him extra classes like they did to me because he was not attending the normal mandatory ones and my family didnt have money to throw the problem is that i finished my studies and i will be obligated to go back hom on october of this year and it gives nightmares to think that i will be under the same roof as him moving out of he is not an option since my home country is a muslim country and girls are not allowed to live alone and no i cant bring my parents to live with me if i purchase an apartment because they dont want to leave the house to my brother i just feel like wanting to attempt suicide everytime that i think about whats waiting for me back home i dont know what i should do ,post,female
depression,2020-02-05,so ive been a long time lurker but im finally admitting im slipping again f i was doing pretty good i was going to therapy i was having phone appointments i was on meds i started a new job i was just insecure about my weight but i was working on being better and kinder to myself but then i lost my insurance and had to stop my meds and i have been slipping slowly but its finally gotten to the point where i dont want to be touched anymore i dont want to eat i dont really want to do anything anymore and ive caught myself before ive gotten too bad but i just feel like im failing myself i stepped on the scale for the first time in awhile and i wanted to puke i just i dont know anymore ,post,female
depression,2020-02-05,what is the most self destructive thing you have done due to your depression in terms of a romantic relationship i m have no experience with depression myself but i dated someone f who suffered her whole life together years engaged of the time she was a great partner on our th anniversary she said she needed space then slept with our mutual friend a few days later objectively speaking our friend was gross so all of our other friends suggested she did it because she knew it was something she couldnt take back my brain is very logical and evidence based has anyone here done something similar due to their depression did you ever try to fix it this happened to me years ago i fought for her for a while after it happened but she never responded and has never reached out to me she also has incredible pride which i hear is common among those with depression so i think it was a combination of those two things i am not asking for your experiences as a way of giving me hope i have none of that lol just emotionally and intellectually curious so that maybe i can understand and empathize a little better ,post,female
depression,2020-02-06,rant i have no one to tell this to so here i go im f i dont have any friends because i cut of contact with people feeling that i annoy them and they hate me ive been diagnosed with depression a couple of years back but havent really done anything about it went to a psychologist a couple a times tho didnt change anything i also tried to od a couple of times  with attempts ending at the er my parents dont know about these attempts i did tell them i was depressed but they didnt think much of it and said stuff to make me feel worse than i already did its my first year in college and study informatics programming and stuff but i dont have the will power to study and make sure i pass my classes i wanna pass them so that im not a bigger disappointment than i already am but i never expected to make it this far i dont really know what to do i dont really have any emotions left except for guilt sadness and anger at the world most of the time im numb tho i just wanna die in peace without having to do it myself cause it would destroy my parents if i killed my self thats why i wanna get really sick or have a little accident and i feel guilty that im wishing for this when there are people who are fighting cancer my dad and doing everything to survive even though i know people have it waaat worse than me and my life isnt bad at all compared to others i just dont see the point in living i dont have anything that sparks joy in my life and the mistakes i made last year add to the fact that i hate my self and am a piece of garbage im sorry for the long monotonous text i just had to tell someone and sorry for my bad english ,post,female
depression,2020-02-06,i feel lost i really dont know what to do right now can someone help my f girlfriend broke up with me m about a week ago and i have lost all motivation to do anything fell behind in school work and keep having panic attacks and no one to talk to sorry if this is worded poorly i am currently freaking out as i type this so we were together for years and have broken up in the past for similar reasons only for a little more than a week i think i honestly dont remember she basically says that i smother her and am too needy she is away at college about hours away from me i know i was insecure and i would call her all the time and if she was busy i would feel like she just didnt want to talk to me so i would get insecure about that and if she went out i would ask too many questions about who is going and what not she didnt think i trusted her i dont think that is how i felt i think i just love her too much and was scared to lose her i went to therapy and it made me realize why i did all those things and that it was a deep issue that came from my childhood she still loves me she keeps telling me that and she said she is open to getting back together in the future although she also says she wants to fully let me go to work on her self because she has a lot of stressful things going on in her life she has problems with her health mental and physical and she is seeking help for these things and i feel so bad that i wasnt there for her the way i feel i could have been she had anger problems that would start petty arguments a lot and was probably triggered by my insecurities but deep down to my core i love this girl with all my fucking heart and soul i cant understand if she still loves me how she can just leave me like this she said we can talk over coffee when she gets back for spring break in about a month but i dont know what to do i feel as though now i realize how depressed i was i have no motivation for anything right now all i have been doing is hanging out with friends because i am scared to be by myself i just want to be happy and i am scared that i dont have the motivation to do something about it right now everytime i have a panic attack i want to call her but i know that will just push her away even more i want her back more than anything in the world but i am confused on how possible that is i dont want to move on before i even get the chance to talk to her in person and see how we stand then but the pain of waiting for that is unbearable i have to wait almost a week to see my therapist again my friends are in relationships so they can only do so much and my other friends are at college or online where i play games with them i feel like i just cant enjoy being by myself i am so scared and i am in so much pain right now it feels like there is a pressure in my chest constantly any advice or thoughts are much appreciated ,post,female
depression,2020-02-07,suicidal thoughts and relationships around years or so ago i m at the time entered into a pretty serious period of depression physical health related mostly roughly three years after that i attempted suicide multiple times im talking serious planned and thoroughly researched methods i was with a long term partner for most of that time f although the attempts themselves only came after wed split it it wasnt the breakup that tipped me over the edge rather the breakup was the opportunity id been waiting for taking my own life while in a relationship seems to me to be a cruel thing to do as it turned out i can now see that the relationship dysfunctional depression aside and i cant believe it took us years to work that out but the whole experience has totally changed me im far from that mindset now yet im very rarely grateful to be still alive i can think of no particularly good reason to go on living as i find much of life a chore this is despite the fact that objectively all is good and well i eat well have plenty of friends and hobbies live communally with wonderful people and have a relatively comfortable academic research job in well being and sustainability ironically im currently on holiday for weeks running up mountains ffs so here is my dilemma having been so close to taking my own life and knowing that im still quite indifferent about my future i think theres a significant chance that i will end up seriously trying to end my life again in the future and so ive pretty much closed myself off to romance and am perhaps a little guarded more broadly despite craving intimacy deeply because it seems unfair to bring anyone else into that situation and that sucks for me too honestly i dont know how this will change how could i ever be sure that i wont end up that seriously suicidal again and if thats true how can i ever commit to someone as fully as they would like yet closing myself off this way means im missing out on some of lifes more meaningful experiences which of course leaves me more likely to sink very deeply into depression again it seems an insolvable dilemma unless of course a find someone with almost the same history and outlook as me such that we understood each other well enough to let whatever happens happen without shouldering the blame can anyone else relate im afraid i cant think of a more specific question tl dr for people that have seriously attempted suicide before can you be totally sure you wont go to that place again and if not how can you fully commit to relationships particularly of the romantic kind ,post,female
depression,2020-02-08,i dont know what happiness feels like anymore i f recently got a job on campus after struggling in the process of campus placements for about months of writing tests and getting rejected in interviews when i was enrolled for an engineering degree by my parents years ago i thought this would be the point of my life when all the stress and hard work would make it all worth it and right now all i feel is like a weight has been lifted off me and thats about it every thing feels anticlimactic at this point to be honest i should be happy right why the fuck am i not happy ,post,female
depression,2020-02-08,maybe i need to talk to someone hey everyone i do not know if this is the right place to post this or if i even should my family has never been one for talking about ones emotions so i have been confused half my life on what i am feeling i think i just need some reassurence or help i am f and for as long as i can remember i have never really been motivated about anything my house is dirty i am embarrased to have people over i try to motivate myself to clean it but before i can finish one room i quit and just go do whatever when i do complete a room it then just gets back to the way it was in less than a week most time i get excited to go to the store or buy something new but before i leave i some how talk myself out of it and stay home its like i have no energy but im not tired if that makes sense i also tend to just cry over things that make no sense example last night i asked my father if i could have the tv for min to play a game since he had been home all day it seemed to be right to me instead he said no that i have a tv in my room and i just went to my room and cried ive been told when i have a conversation i show little to no emotion and that im a boring person to talk to people even said this in high school ive figured out how to fake it now so my current few friends dont know i constantly lie to make my life seem better than it is i lie about stuff i do i really dont do anything or where i go my family says i am just lazy and a huge procrastinator but ive had the few who said i could be depressed i dont know what i am lazy or depressed i just know i never look happy and i feel boring and melancholy all the time im not looking for a shoulder to cry on i just want to know if this is normal or not i can work on lazy but ill need a therapist to help if im depressed ,post,female
depression,2020-02-09,please advise on an escitalopram side effect itching hi all im f from the philippines for context im diagnosed with adhd and mdd i started taking jovia esitalopram for my mdd last november and my dosage was upped to mg last december this made me feeling sedated and sleepy all the time i had weird vivid dreams before getting diagnosed but it was x more real with jovia so my dr asked me to try esitalo or morcet i tried esitalo with the same effect i switched to morcet last week and my energy level improved however i started itching on my ears then the scalp and today my face and neck have started to itch any advice i just texted my dr about this but id like to hear your thoughts ive also been taking ritalin for my adhd since october and biotin supplement since december because ive been shedding so much hair from the ritalin please help me thanks ,post,female
depression,2020-02-09,in love with my enemy it makes me so depressed i swear to god hey uh im f and ive had depression since now it all started when i had a long distance relationship with a guy from south wales soon later my mum found out and banned me from my phone for about a few months school is the main reason for everything you know the boring homework relationships friendships all that shitty stuff theres this girl who hangs out with us at school nobody in my friend group likes her we pretend to though to not hurt her feelings she is nice and all but she has nothing in common with us and her personality and humour is way different to ours but her existence the way im falling in love with her what the hell why am i feeling this way about someone i hate so much i hate her she makes me depressed so why am i in love with her i just have no clue its probably the way she just touches me and hugs me and reassures me like everythings gonna be fine and when she talks to my best friend god i feel jealous i have no clue why my best friend hates her the most but although my best friend hates her she still talks to my enemy like nothing ever happened and theyre still the best of friends why am i so selfish wanting everyone to myself i know i know its not possible but im in love it stresses me out it hurts me im hurting and since im the most confident in the group i always tell people to shut up because my friends want them to as well and then im the bad guy like what im just saying what everyone else is thinking and when i say something that offends my enemy she gets upset and i feel the worst pain ever and the thing is when my best friend isnt in school im so happy its so selfish and i just hate to feel this way ,post,female
depression,2020-02-10, years with depression no therapy and fear of being addicted hello everyone i hope i can get some help here im f and ive been depressed since  when i found out that my mum had a really rare and aggressive type of cancer she survived the treatment but the after was horrible for everyone especially me i dropped college when i found out about the disease and just came back in  so sometimes i feel like i lost years of my life after i went back to uni i was sexually abused and after year of trying to forget that broke my heart twice i did some therapy for some time but in my country is super expensive and i cannot afford a session every week my worst fear now is never getting rid of my medication especially the bromazepam benzodiazepine  years with it i went through several traumas and im aware that i cant go on now without my meds please every word of comfort and every advice will be wonderful for me i feel really really really bad about this almost a freak so any help would be greatly appreciated ,post,female
depression,2020-02-10,depressed has ruined my life there is literally no hope for me anymore i f am in my second last year of school and depression makes me unable to go to school most days on average i can go in maybe once a week its always been like this ive never had good attendance because i physically cannot go in most days i have no interest in anything nor do i have any motivation all i do is sleep im not going to pass my exams because i havent been in to learn the material im not going to get into college i have no passion that i can persue there is no hope for me i have people who love me and i know its going to hurt them when i kill myself but is that so bad when i hurt them every day by disappointing them im just so done i cant do this anymore my life is ruined because of what i let depression do to me ,post,female
depression,2020-02-11,i f am suffering bad i feel that my depression has gotten worse its past just feeling sad anymore i feel numb to all emotions except sadness or anxiety ive battled with depression amp anxiety for years accompanied by self medicating with mostly alcohol the drinking started getting really bad the past couple of years with some breaks in between i also was in a physically abusive relationship that i managed to get out of i know now that the drinking is what prevented me from getting actual help amp now im in a place so low i cant even imagine climbing out it all went downhill in a matter of a couple of months starting around christmas i had an amazing boyfriend that was so supportive of me but i just couldnt break my drinking habit i hid it from him because i was ashamed amp i was just stuck in this cycle of drinking to numb my emotions then being even more depressed then drinking more etc just going deeper amp deeper into the hole long story short i had to go to jail for weeks for an alcohol related charge i got an entire year ago while trying to leave my abusive ex my mental state suffered horribly while in jail amp i also found out i was pregnant when i got out my boyfriend broke up with me says he wasnt happy the last month of our relationship amp that he couldnt handle my emotional breakdowns anymore he assured me he wanted me to keep the baby amp would be there for me for the pregnancy but just couldnt be with me anymore i had to be put on house arrest about a week after i got out and probation it is part of my conditions im not allowed to leave my house at all im literally just holed up in my room i found out that my ex that im pregnant by is now seeing a good friend of mine weeks after breaking up with me then my grandmother passed away the same day i found out about my ex amp my friend i have just been completely alone in my room im not on any of my meds because my dr took me off of them when i found out i was pregnant im not eating im barely sleeping all i do is worry constantly in my thoughts i lost my job im running out of money but the bills amp fines keep piling up im living back at my parents house ive lost all of my friends i just really dont even know what to do i feel completely alone amp am so numb i barely even can cry i start counseling this week but all i can think about is how that is just more money i dont have tl dr im so depressed that i cant feel anything except sadness amp anxiety i keep beating myself up about all of my bad choices amp how stupid i am i dont know what will help me at this point,post,female
depression,2020-02-11,what are the most basic essentials for a healthy mental state a little background ive f been feeling very low since the beginning of october im failing my last year of high school and ill have to take a one year break before starting college because i missed a dead line for my last really important project therefore ill be unable to graduate this summer i cant bring myself to study and ive been sleeping almost all day after school because im just incredibly tired since i have a weird kind of sleep paralysis and have poor sleep more often than not though the naps are just a break from my issues which is ironic because they still follow me in my dreams i kind of drown my problems in alcohol and partying on the weekends which results in me being hungover and being even more unable to focus on my school work im very unhappy with my body but cant bring myself to go to the gym and even if i can im never consistent with it i also feel generally unhealthy and this makes me want to not take care of myself i basically have no discipline and ive kind of always been like this but never to this extent it is ruining a lot of things in my life and i dont know how to change it i have zero ambition and i never feel like doing anything besides lay around all day how do i get out of this endless cycle ,post,female
depression,2020-02-11,i stay in bed all day and have no life how do i get one hi everyone i hope im at the right subreddit im a f and i feel a lot of regret i have been depressed for what feels like my entire life its prevented me from exploring and discovering myself all i do is lie in bed and watch netflix or youtube then i sleep i dont socialize at home or go out my parents have given up on me i take care of myself they dont like when i want to hang out with friends or call them at home i been trying to get a job for months i refuse to work at fast food i have for a year and my manager traumatized me all the retail places wont hire me because im in high school and have no experience i want to go to the gym but i have no money i started running but its winter and too cold and snowy i dont really have enough space to work out in my room i tried cooking but i often cant get the supplies to cook i really hate myself and because i do i punch myself or take a pen and hit myself as much as i can i feel like i deserve this pain i dont know how to get better im just waiting to move out and be free ,post,female
depression,2020-02-12,i feel such a useless and a shitty person for not able to support my boyfriend better i f have a boyfriend who is depressed m weve been together for almost a year now tomorrow is our anniversary and i do my best to give him light whenever his depression attacks but everytime hes in his episodes he refuses to listen to every positive thing i say about him and the solutions i give him he just turns everything i say to him upsidedown he said that i do not have the right to feel depressed as everything has been always been working for me this just made me feel so useless as i cant make him feel any better i resorted to cutting my leg and most recently my wrist i also tried to overdose myself with sleeping medication as i dont think im worthy enough to live ,post,female
depression,2020-02-12,the video i watch when i need a good cry and para social understanding im not trying to make a political or scientific point here just showing off something that i find a lot of meaning in and find helps me feel more human and less alone i am specifically talking about the video suic de and ment l he lth https www youtube com watch v eqnw fbdpye by philosophytube while i find the intellectual parts interesting its the theatrical and personal parts of the video that help me mentally if you would prefer to skip the academic references and discussion and go to the part i am referring to i usually start around  to get to the relate able and emotional part my experience with it is similar to letting my feelings slip to a friend family member and getting a hug or some other reassurance i also specifically find that anything that has a large amount of sentimentality or meaning even if very sad songs and the like helps me feel less like a walking corpse and more like a flawed broken but fundamentally human being that can love and feel genuine sadness this video does have some discussion of real self harm and suicide attempts which the video does content warn against but i might as well say it i think that things like this are important for making emotional realizations and possibly starting to get better im not claiming that this will fix all your problems but for me at least it made me feel a better for a while ,post,female
depression,2020-02-12,am i being ungrateful i just spent minutes writing a post to press back space one too many times so im gonna do the short version i f am a high functioning depressive who experiences episodes and takes an anti i love my job my romantic relationship is in the best place its ever been just waiting for the month i move and i live comfortably right now i feel awful that deep gut unhappiness that you cant even cry i have only one reason to feel kinda bummed my st is about to happen and i will be almost completely alone i work valentines but boyfriend is in another city no fun or joy that night i see my dad and his parents saturday i love them but they can be a chore due to being opinionated and granddads increasing dementia and refusal to hire help different story for another time great relationship with my dad i will see mum on my b day but our relationship is more unstable because of my entitled sister also long for another subreddit that would be in the morning and then shell go home my other grandparents are on a month long cruise my friends wont really care what i want to do because we do things as a class if i dont want to go pub theyll go without me the one person i desperately want with me got yelled at trying to get just that day off work but having study leave up until now means they said no a two hour drive each way is not a reasonable request when hed have to travel back that night i know ill get money and cards and seen after my birthday but th was a flop so it feels like another milestone forgotten am i being ungrateful for wanting to spend time with people over just getting money and wanting to see the people i want to see on my actual birthday ,post,female
depression,2020-02-13,my dead end job makes me depressed just thinking about it ive never had depression this bad before and i have no idea how to help myself talking to friends only goes so far and i cant afford a therapist because my job doesnt offer me health insurance i have a bachelors degree but i am currently working a shitty high school degree job with no benefits that doesnt pay me enough for me to live like an actual adult im f i feel so stuck and i feel like a fucking failure i dont even know what i would change my career to because i have no idea what im even interested in or if ill be truly happy with it the thought of going to work makes me want to crash my car because i hate that place so much i just want to be in bed all day and cry ,post,female
depression,2020-02-14,i cant stop freaking out about something i didnt do so i m have a huge crush on a woman f who goes to the same boot camp that i do ive had difficulty with depression since i was and have been having more intense suicidal thoughts in the last few months this crush has been one of the biggest contributing factors as ive always felt very insecure about my lack of success in connecting with people romantically in the past month or so ive tried to start casual conversations with her these brief moments have left me feeling good afterwards especially on one occasion where she engaged with me by asking what i studied so ive been trying to make a point of asking her how her day went every time i see her so at todays class she came in a little late and finished the workout on her own i was planning on asking her how her valentines day went and complimenting her on her pink heart socks but i didnt want to make it look like i was going out of my way to talk to her or approach her while she was stretching after she finished the workout my plan was to wait by the front desk for her to come up and sign in but she did a few more stretches than i expected so i stood there waiting a little too long since i had already had my coat on i decided it would be too weird to approach her while she was stretching so i just left now i cant help but feel stupid for not trying to talk to her i wont see her again until the boot camp class on monday so im afraid ill be pulling my hair out with stress all weekend did i do the right thing by being cautious should i just hope that ill see her in class on monday and redeem myself then i cant help but feel like an idiot who is going to die alone and miserable because i never take any risks ,post,female
depression,2020-02-14,depressed boyfriend cheated on me on valentines and blamed his mental health for it this just ruined me and i cant get over how bad i want to swallow sleeping pills and sleep me f been struggling with my own mental health issues since my teenage years some months were good and others just controlled my life my boyfriend m of three years has depression and honestly hes been pushing me away for a weeks blaming it on his mental health and how much he hates himself and a very very low self esteem he would leave me on read no matter what i send whenever i need him would tell me to stop talking doesnt respond to me when i text him thought it was depression and just kept quiet coz i know how hard fighting a mental illness is then on valentines day someone called me and told me how he had been flirting with that girl mind you he never told me anything sweet for weeks coz of depression it broke me he cried i cried told me how sorry he was and said i told you im shit and you would be heart broken coz im unavailable had a lot of plans in mind to mask his depression even temporarily and it broke me so badly did depression force you to do something you didnt want what is going on with him he was so faithful with me before ,post,female
depression,2020-02-14, pls dont remove i really need to talk to someone i am depressed and too afraid to kill or hurt myself myself f sorry for possible typos but i m trembling atm i have been depressed for about years and it all aggravated when i got into a relationship with a guy that was toxic called me a slut and raped me the first time we had sex used to spit in my mouth when we were having intercourse did not respect me at all and grabbed my pussy and ass in public made me feel like shit overall now i am in a relationship with the guy i have loved for years without admitting it he s my best friend and because of my depression and anger episodes he doesnt want me anymore i want to change but i feel like sometimes i cannot be rational because of my depression its too late now i guess and i dont wanna libe without him hes the only good thing in my life its my fault because i am toxic i m not trying to find any excuses i know i m shit but i just want to end it and am too afraid to do anything every one of these things happened because my mental health is very fragile i get hurt and upset very easy and he really tried to get over it at the beginning but now i feel like a used tool that he doesnt want anymore we are currently long distance we re for the same country but he went to work in another country years ago and he was to come in my country to stay here so that we could be together and a couple of mins ago he told me he s not coming anymore i dont want to feel any of this hurt anymore my father is also very sick and i cant get past this horrible feeling that took control of my mind and my sould he was the only bit of light in my life and i fucked everything up i cannot hurt or kill myseld because i m too much of a pussy for it and i dont know what to do i dont wanna live in a life he s not besides me if any of you here succeded in hurting yourselves how did you do it without being scared ,post,female
depression,2020-02-14,what do i say to him what do i say to him my f brother m attempted yesterday thankfully he was not successful he called to say goodbye and tell me the he loved me he did the same to some friends and left a note for my parents this was a very serious attempt he has had a lot of exceptional stressors lately in addition to the fact that he has been suffering from depression since  he drove a car at mph into a telephone pole thankfully he is getting help now and will be getting voluntary inpatient treatment until further necessary im going to see him on monday what do i say what do i do i dont want to make it all about me when i see him im angry scared and very sad about this im planning to get therapy for myself to cope with the anger trust issues and overwhelming sadness that comes with this event info i am a nurse practitioner and also suffer from depression so i have a solid understanding of the disease i dont know what to say to him because i dont even know where to begin kind feedback welcome ,post,female
depression,2020-02-14,what would happen if a non depressed person took trintellix not a ssri im feeling immediate results and am wondering if its just placebo i f have anxiety and depression ive been taking wellbutrin for a while and havent really felt much different today my doctor prescribed me mg trintellix to take in addition after my appointment i took the mg and within a few maybe hours i felt better not depressed not anxious and actually felt excited for my future and could actually feel happiness again i feel like my old self but how is this possible is it placebo as far as i understood antidepressants take weeks to work so how am i feeling the effects right away i know trintellix is a less common type of antidepressant called atypical and am wondering if i am just uneducated on it is it possible it has an immediate effect similar to benzos what would happen if a non depressed person took it ,post,female
depression,2020-02-14,depressed but wanting to get better deep down f tw suicide self harm dont really have anyone else to turn to or talk about these kind of things with so i thought turning to reddit might help because so many people have suffered and come through the other side better off ill try to keep this short and just say that ive had suicidal thoughts since i was about years old until now one of my parents passed away around that time and it left a void ever since which is probably the route cause of how i feel deep down i have a shitty relationship with most of my immediate family including my remaining parent because they are emotionally and have been physically abusive i have literally friends and a long term partner of years my friends are amazing but they have their own problems so instead of overloading them i prefer to absorb their stresses me and my bf have had ups and downs although i love him dearly i dont feel comfortable sharing my feelings of sadness with him i finished studying for my degree and am currently looking for a job but im struggling to do so because i feel like living is pointless and i have no energy to exist anymore i would say that i have high functioning depression because no one except reddit now knows what ive been doing ive been on and off different types of anti depressants for about years i just started taking sertraline a month ago after a break of year ive tried therapy during this time too but it hasnt helped me when i was a teen i used to self harm by cutting and picking my skin i have always had body issues and for the past months ive been binging purging and using laxatives daily in an effort to lose weight a few months ago i was feeling particularly low and more aggressively suicidal i left home late at night to go to the train station i had been crying and it was winter but i had no jacket phone etc and stood at the platform trying to sike myself up to jump in front of the next train i was hesitant because i dont want to leave my youngest sibling behind it feels like they need me but i literally cant escape the voices in my head that tell me im fucking worthless and disgusting so i wanted so badly to end it someone intervened and warned the station staff so i was dragged into their offices crying which was ultimately very embarrassing lately i look at suicide methods online all the time i dont have a particular time or date for ending things but i still know that i want this to be over i should also note that i hate reaching out to suicide hotlines samaritans as i dont feel like they helped in previous experiences i had a few years ago i am too ashamed to admit myself anywhere because i hate the thought of my family and partner beginning to question everything they think they know about me i have seen so many success stories online about people managing and overcoming their mental illnesses but i dont make any progress it feels like im slipping deeper into a void where i feel nothing but numbness and self loathing im actually jealous of the fact that one of my parents are dead and im still here i just want to know what im doing wrong in instances where other people seem to go right ,post,female
depression,2020-02-16,dont want to do it anymore f years ago i was diagnosed with an incurable chronic pain disease its nicknamed the suicide disease because over half of long term patients kill themselves my life has been an absolute shit show lately my wife f randomly decided one day that she didnt want this to be her life weve been together for years married for in about a month ive exhausted all my treatment options for this disease so basically its just pain meds for the rest of my life im a very rational person so thoughts of suicide are splitting me into two different people i dont want to hurt my mother or grandmother but at this point it seems like what other option is there my entire life has been like dodging bombs every time i thought it couldnt get worse it did i use to joke about how the universe was testing me to see how much itd take to kill myself i wish our country was like others where assisted suicide was allowed i dont want to live the rest of my life in crippling pain being a burden to others tl dr struggling with a chronic disease,post,female
depression,2020-02-16,is there a point where it genuinely may be worth giving up since i was very young my first memories really ive had this desire to just stop existing not so much actively kill myself but i would just wish as a kid i could just disappear and that i had never been born as ive gotten older f it hasnt gotten better im very successful im liked by my peers i have people in my life that love me but i dont feel joy for any of it and still have that persistent wish that i could just not sometimes ive tried antidepressants and many i could list them but basically every class including ones traditionally for other disorders technically for instance adhd medications i gave them all a fair trial months usually usually i would have an up kick in positive feelings the first week or two and then nothing even increasing the dose wouldnt bring the feeling back ive tried switching birth controls ive tried going off birth control for over a year twice ive done talk therapy i like my current therapist shes very kind and listens well usually but i think shes at a loss for suggestions because i myself have so proactively tried to fix this and failed i dont want to die i just dont want to be does that make sense at all im just tired i guess its been a lifetime and no amount of success or things that should be good experiences has brought me a sense of inner happiness i dont want to hurt the people who care about me i think thats why im not seeking escape options at all but its tiring existing for them ,post,female
depression,2020-02-17,have your say mental health drop ins how they should be ran who should run them what you want to see what you want to know where they should be have your say on mental health drop ins have your say mental health drop ins click here https www surveymonkey co uk r xk nx f ,post,female
depression,2020-02-17,im going on a roadtrip and im not going to tell anyone hey reddit so i f was gone for a week on a work related trip and had zero network reception it was unexpected and i wasnt prepared for it i had a few opportunities when driving out to text everyone i told the majority of people that im not going to be available any time soon but everyone seemed so uninterested my parents didnt even seem worried nor asked if i was okay i asked my bf if hed like to hang out today to catch up but he said no he said he was tired and doesnt feel like hanging out even though he suggested it i was supposed to go to a game with a couple of my friends but they literally just ghosted me and left me at my apartment im honestly feeling insignificant would it be a dick move of me if i just packed my things and dissappeared for a month or so i honestly just want to get out of this town it feels like it wouldnt matter anyways ,post,female
depression,2020-02-17,struggling to work does anyone else struggle to work with depression i f went off my medication effexor about months ago because i had been feeling really great for at least the past year there were some side effects i thought might be affecting my new relationship and i didnt want to be paying for a medication if i didnt need it flash forward and im really struggling ive had a bunch of other things come up like switching hormonal birth control and having some fights with my family not to mention the massive fires ripping through my home of australia complete disillusionment with our government and being smothered in bushfire smoke its over now but things are still hard at the moment ive reversed my birth control changes and gone back onto my meds because of this crisis and its been a bit over a week now with no improvement yet im finding this is manifesting the worst in my work im a freelance graphic designer and i spent all of last year building my business and getting some really great contracts i felt confident happy energised and fulfilled but ever since i weaned off my meds last year things havent been right ive been exhausted and had to take sick days consistently for months and ive had the most insane art block i have such little inspiration and i feel so zombie like its scary and it comes with a wallop of anxiety about not being good enough and a fear of being seen as lazy i also feel like i put my whole heart into my work and when its hard to complete it to the best of my ability i feel like shit about myself and like im letting my clients and myself down sometimes i wonder if id be better off working in an office job even though it would take away my creative freedom because itd make me get out of the house and do things but all the previous jobs ive had have been a massive struggle and i would sometimes look at people working full time and just not understand how they can do it every day im scared that im not going to be able to be a functioning member of society and that ill end up homeless because i struggle to work like a normal person i know thats catastrophising but even people with severe mental illness seem to be able to do without breaking down sometimes how do you guys cope with flare ups of mental illness and work how do you handle the fatigue that comes with it what happens when you have projects waiting and your reputation on the line ,post,female
depression,2020-02-17,just need to vent ive never posted here before so i hope this is okay its a really long post so im sorry but i just need a place to vent right now bc my depression is really spiraling im f and i have been dealing with depression probably since i was a child but didnt start seeing anyone about it get officially diagnosed until i was i never told my parents my dad always told us only the weak had mental health issues the strong sucked it up and dealt with it ive spent a long time trying to stop feeling ashamed for needing help and about a year ago i finally felt like i was in a good place and i was really proud of myself for holding on well i made the mistake of accidentally mentioning to my dad that i was seeing a therapist and he asked me what for he wasnt initially judgy so i thought maybe i could finally open up about my mental health struggles he proceeded to tell me how ashamed he was of me how he doesnt know me how he always thought i was so strong for dealing with my cancer the way i did but now he knows it was all a lie he asked me how long ive been crazy asked me how how any kid of his could be like this im just so devastated ive worked so hard to get my issues under control and with that one conversation ive been thrown back so many steps im sitting here full of shame and embarrassment drowning in my own feelings of worthlessness and self doubt i dont even have a good relationship with my father his opinion shouldnt matter but it does it matters so much and its so pathetic and im so angry that the strength i thought i had was diminished so quickly like is there even any point in trying to recover when it can all be ripped away with just one conversation im just so overwhelmed and its so pathetic ,post,female
depression,2020-02-17,the lies depression tells us i listened to this podcast episode and while not all the stories resonated so so many were yup thats me i know that understanding others are suffering the same way have helped me maybe hearing these words and having some resonance with others will help https open spotify com episode fo vf jnvsozdptroqk context spotify acollection apodcasts aepisodes amp si vywbcjrawwe fiyhvopg,post,female
depression,2020-02-18,my boyfriend doesnt think he deserves me advice for two depressed people trying to date throwaway account looking for advice or insight my f partner m has low functioning depression while i have high functioning depression we just started seeing each other and while weve had very intense moments of love and affection for each other many experiences end with him questioning whether he deserves me he thinks hes a burden to me and that hes too empty for this to be successful he initially called things off between us but then felt like potential love was worth it and so here we are after incredible days together he feels like he has to go back to real life as if the happiness he felt wasnt normal or allowed what i dont think he realizes is that being with someone who has depression like i do is the exact thing i need i think im sick of partners who dont get it and all i want is to not feel alone in anything hes worth so much to me because he keeps me from feeling like im regularly in an endless pit im more than willing to be there for him because i care too much not to theres been no downside on my end in being with him compared to the downside of being totally alone does anyone have experience with a partner questioning their worth in a relationship how did you overcome the depressed feelings to foster something beautiful or was there no success in that is there anything i can do or say to him to help losing him would be a tragedy im not going anywhere tl dr deprerssed person dating someone with depression i think its worth it but he thinks hes just a burden advice ,post,female
depression,2020-02-18,my depressed partner doesnt think he deserves me any advice for two depressed people trying to date looking for advice or insight my f partner m has low functioning depression while i have high functioning depression we just started seeing each other and while weve had very intense moments of love and affection for each other many experiences end with him questioning whether he deserves me he thinks hes a burden to me and that hes too empty for this to be successful hes on leave for work due to his depression and goes to therapy consistently to try and figure things out he initially called things off between us but then felt like potential love was worth it and so here we are after incredible days together he feels like he has to go back to real life as if the happiness he felt wasnt normal or allowed what i dont think he realizes is that being with someone who has depression like i do is the exact thing i need i think im sick of partners who dont get it and all i want is to not feel alone in anything hes worth so much to me because he keeps me from feeling like im regularly in an endless pit im more than willing to be there for him because i care too much not to theres been no downside on my end in being with him compared to the downside of being totally alone does anyone have experience with a partner questioning their worth in a relationship how did you overcome the depressed feelings to foster something beautiful or was there no success in that is there anything i can do or say to him to help losing him would be a tragedy im not going anywhere tl dr deprerssed person dating someone with depression i think its worth it but he thinks hes just a burden advice ,post,female
depression,2020-02-18,its getting worse my m s girlfriend f has always had depression shes always been sad low energy lonely hopeless and ive always been here loving her anyway recently however its escalated her anxiety has become severe her habit of picking scabs and pulling out hair has accelerated to the point of no return her bald spot and severe open sores would make it hard for anyone to want to leave the house much less a depressed person she cannot does not function at all she will sleep for up to hours straight she talks about how she hates herself and doesnt want to live when she does manage to get out of bed the most minor inconveniences induce a panic attack and or crying fit the most recent example running out of dishwasher fluid ive been supportive for so long and i will continue to be but what happens next over the past years its been new meds new doctors inpatient repeat how does this ever end shes only gotten worse with her school and career to a place of no return i cant see her ever climbing out of this hole and as her boyfriend what do i do i cant force her to feel better i can only offer my support but ive been doing that for years and its only gotten worse what can i do how can i make this end amp x b shes done the therapy shes done the doctors shes taken the meds shes tried for years nothing has helped thanks for reading anyway ,post,female
depression,2020-02-18,i need some kind words l i f have a a panic anxiety disorder amp severe depression ive been on antidepressants for many months now amp i just feel so alone ive tried to hang out with friends but i feel like they dont truly enjoy my company they just feel bad ive been trying to go out on dates but im so so so scared that ill scare a guy off with my issues my parents are great parents but theyve emotionally neglected me since i could remember they dont help at all when i ask for help or when i try to tell them how im feeling i just feel so lonely amp unloved ,post,female
depression,2020-02-19,why am i so insecure about guys serious recently i m went to a mental rehabilitation centre and it really did me well or half of me anyway my psychiatrist is great and i see her every month shes helped me realise a lot of the reasons why im sad all the time but we never really focused on my anxiety and i kinda have a lot on her shoulders already so i dont want to work on my anxiety rn when my happiness is more important but anyway im hella afraid of guys around talking to assciated with looking at etc my gf f im so afraid of not being good enough or her finding someone she connects with better or someone better looking or makes her happier or steal her heart in any way trust her i know but im still scared amd i cant help it why am i like this and how can i combat it ,post,female
depression,2020-02-19, f severely depressed but not suicidal how to get help i think i have always been somewhat depressed ever since teenager but never sought actual mental health help because i was able to somehow put it in the background and get on with my everyday life however since the beginning of this year my condition has worsened significantly i cry and cannot control myself for several hours every day and it is very hard to calm myself down i have a boyfriend since years but he has been away for nearly months now he decided to take time off between jobs and went back to stay with his family in europe i think him going away was a major trigger as i am alone in the house and just doing work home i was alone on xmas new years valentines and it was well depressing i love him very much but his going for so long without me indicated to me that he is much less attached and our relationship is not reciprocal also i work as a postdoctoral scientist in academia and my funding is ending soon but i have been unable to find a job despite doing fairly well scientifically what a waste of time facing real possibility of unemployment finally i have a high chance of infertility due to not only my age but also underlying health issues so i am in this dark cloud of despair the only person who knows about my mental health issues is my partner but he somehow does not take it seriously he thinks it is just my way to get attention so i thought i need professional help but i contacted my insurance u s and their first available appointment is in may months from now i cannot go on like this for months i need some medicines to keep me calm i think i eat healthy i exercise days a week but doesnt seem to help i am not just sad all the time but get hysterical with these crying spells and then i am too exhausted to fall asleep somehow and it is a spiral down i average hours of sleep according to my fitbit and then i usually have very unpleasant dreams i think they dont consider me as an emergency because i told that i am not suicidal which i indeed am not of course it crosses my mind and it is an obvious solution for my personal suffering but i wouldnt ever hurt my mom so it is out of question is there anything over the counter i tried some anti anxiety supplements with gaba htc etc but they are not working i didnt have high hopes as evidence for their efficiency is not there but i thought maybe placebo would be enough no i think i cannot afford private therapy the postdoc salary is a joke but i also dont know how to find a therapist and understand the costs i am an ex pat my family is back in europe and i arrived here in the us years ago and while i know some people from work i dont have any friends that are close enough so i can talk mental health with them or ask for recommendation what should i do ,post,female
depression,2020-02-19,i feel like i am sinking and i cant get out this past month my depression has hit me f harder than ever my best friend of years decided she needed space from me and stopped talking to me the group i always hung out with was her friends though i have known them for years however naturally i stopped being invited to things this hurt a lot also i moved away for a few years and now i am back in town but everyones lives moved on with out me obviously however the final cherry on top of this enormous sundae of depression is that this guy i really liked and have been dating for a few months tried to hook up with other girls at a party he invited me too then the next day told me my feelings were one sided and that i was just a casual dating experience until he found someone he actually liked i feel lonely but dont have the energy to be around people either i am a type a personality and super extroverted so staying home makes me feel even worse ive pretty much stopped eating at this point because my depression took over my appetite and i see myself quickly spiraling down a path that i struggled so hard for many years to get out of a few years ago i was suicidal now i am having the same thoughts again is it really worth it to live anymore people will be sad but they will quickly get over it i have no one to talk too maybe i should just give everything up and curl in a ball forever i hate that i am feeling like this i finally got in touch with a psychiatrist and she prescribed me anti depressants however until they start working or even if they ever do i dont know how to feel better i am trying to do a lot of self care and positive mantras however nothing is working i cant get myself to even do anything anymore help please anyone ,post,female
depression,2020-02-20,really struggling today been really down since a break up in december im f and had my first ever relationship in september it lasted three months and he was everything ive been broken since it ended but ive been feeling a little bit better after going to the doctors and being prescribed tablets for my anxiety and depression however i saw my ex last night and a tiny part of me was hoping he would come back and we would get back together because i honestly feel like were unfinished but last night cemented that it isnt going to happen ive been crying all day it feels like the day of the break up all over again but worse i feel lost and i just dont know what the point is in anything any more i dont have a reason to do anything and i barely have any friends and i feel like if i disappeared no one would notice my work is also fairly stressful but thats manageable although its been tricky this week because my heads just been all over the place i just dont feel like myself or who i even am at this point ,post,female
depression,2020-02-20,how to know if you have depression if youve always been like this hey reddit so after reading a post on r consulting about a man whos been struggling lately and having everyone comment how he was likely depressed ive begun to wonder if perhaps i am too since my entire life seemd to be exactly like what he describes perhaps high functioning depression i know most of you are going to tell me to see a therapist and ill consider it but the reason i ask is because ive always lived like this and felt pretty fine doing so i want to know what normal people do im f btw anyways i have a decent job pays well not too hard and it is comfortable i manage to show up every day work go for lunch and go home my day consists of waking up at  staying in bed lamenting my fate until about  then getting ready quickly barely having breakfast and getting into hr of traffic to get to work i get to work these day i dont have much to do so i come on reddit or wait until my boss gives me a task some days there are meetings so i go to that tbh i just do whatever im asked to do then at about pm i go home hr drive get home at usually be on my phone or lay around until  then eat dinner then im in bed by probably texting or watching a show and i go to bed at pm god it sounds so miserable writing it all down i try to at least once a week during the weekday go visit a friend or go to the movies or meet someone for coffee then comes the weekend friday i usually dont do much or i go to the movies or maybe ill go on a date saturdays i kind of just lay in bed waiting for the day to pass maybe ill read or take my dog out to the park then at night i almost always go out usually for drinks with friends sundays i just chill all day and spend the day with my family and in my room rinse and repeat this sounds so sad im young attractive full of life and potential i dont feel particularly unhappy or depressed yet i might be my question is what do normal people do and what could i do to make my life better ive been like this since i can remember college was the same go to class go home study and lay in bed then see friends i dont have many only a few close ones on the weekend then repeat ,post,female
depression,2020-02-20,wellness app project life coaches hi everyone im a uxui student who is doing research on wellness coaching please take about minutes to fill out a survey related wellness so that i can collect some general data all of your answers are anonymous and will not be shared with one if you feel there was anything i missed in the survey please write a comment below thank you wellness coaching survey https docs google com forms d e faipqlscwvafux xbhk mgbeeqwfvv owqw cxtmp v tnzcffbtq viewform usp sf link amp fbclid iwar nwbdomdnq oyxxeqflolybvjrmuhnqqm zmmk s e kxty lawerd ,post,female
depression,2020-02-20,what the fuck is the point thoooooo im f and just want to give up ive been depressed for as long as i can remember ive been diagnosed with bipolar trichitillomania and ocd and they make everyday life pretty unbearable i dont really have anyone to talk to about these things my parents made me go to therapy and cbt in high school because they were so ashamed by my hair pulling but it never helped tried zoloft and prozac no help i think about suicide everyday but i would probably never do it because i couldnt do that to my parents my boyfriend and my pup i went to a pretty good university and got a biology degree but now i work a job in r amp d that i hate and im definitely underpaid i rarely feel happy and i dont really enjoy doing anything i spend all day at work wishing i was home and then i get home and just want to sleep even watching tv isnt appealing im gaining weight and losing hair i hate how i look even if i know its stupid to care about that i feel so awkward all the time i dont think people tend to like me that much im hopefully not mean or annoying im just usually pretty quiet unless im drinking and nobody thinks twice about me i think a lot about how if i killed myself people would be so shocked because i never complain and probably seem somewhat normal it comes in waves and maybe its just a bad day month year but i just have no interest in carrying on i feel terrible because people who actually want to live die everyday for all sorts of reasons but i wish i would get really sick or in an accident just so i could be dead but not have the stigma of suicide ,post,female
depression,2020-02-21,i really want a new job but cant apply for interviews because i struggle with aboulia i cant trust myself to groom for the day i have no interview outfits everything looks sloppy and disshevelled on me as i am an obese emotional eater even if i groomed for the day i still have a leftover slop look from living like this my job isnt doing anything for me and is killing my confidence and i need a second job so bad but will never get past the interviews furthermore i have no social skills as living in a psychologically abusive home has collided with my aspergers studying for an interview sounds like a dramatically draining and tedious chore that probably wont even pan out anyways and will further hurt my confidence badly im f and just want money to move out,post,female
depression,2020-02-21,counseling im a f thats has been dealing with depression on and off for the past years or so and just in the past year ive begun having bad anxiety about things ive had the chance to see a new doctor and they are very open to patients with mental illness and it just so happens they have a counselor in the same office so this is my first time talking to anyone outside of my husband and a close friend so i really dont know what to expect i was wondering if anyone can tell me about their experiences with seeing a counselor and what i can expect etc i have never taken any medication for my problems i have just been trying to deal with my issues naturally like doing yoga and trying to eat properly the yoga i can stick with the food not so much thanks ,post,female
depression,2020-02-21,am i doing the right thing my ex girlfriend f broke up with me f last week because of her depression she told me shes not in the right headspace for a relationship it came really out of the blue we were making our plans for the weekend and an hour later she sent me a break up text in she said she was feeling just very trapped in her life that the world was crushing her that she still loves but she thinks i deserve someone who will love me better and give me better that she wasnt enough for me i feel completely differently i think the world of her she loves me better than i ever thought possible but i didnt argue with i just let her know i love her and that was that but i started feeling really wrong about something shes in a terrible place right now and i just needed her to know that she could always reach out to me for anything in any capacity as a friend lover stranger whatever im there for her i also made it clear that i know she needs space so i wont text her after this unsolicited ive never dealt with depression so i guess im just wondering was this an ok thing to do tl dr depressed gf broke up with me bc she isnt in the right headspace but said she still loves me i broke nc a week in to let her know ill always be here for her but i wont text her unsolicited after letting her know that was that ok ,post,female
depression,2020-02-21,i m am severely depressed i broke up with my f of years and i realized im interested in men instead of women about months ago i m had broken off a and a half year relationship with someone f i thought i was going to spend my life with i love her and she was my best friend and i do still love and care about her the beginning of the breakup things were really bad she hated my guts and things were not going well i moved out and got my own apartment of course reasons i had broken this off is because things had gotten extremely toxic with fighting all the time some times physical as well something i had come to realize is i am attracted to men which is probably why i was no longer interested in the sexual aspect of things months later her and i are doing well we text or snapchat eachother and i go over to her house once in a while to visit the dog and cat that we had gotten together in the past she has told me about guys that she has been talking to or trying to talk to and also told me about a potential date she has coming up possibly we are now pretty good friends and have agreed that we were not good together about days ago i had started talking to a guy i met on tinder and plan to meet him this weekend in person my problem is i still care and love for her even if i am not attracted to women sexually i feel so guilty pursuing this whatever it may be with this guy i just started talking to i do enjoy talking to him but part of me is considering ghosting him because of the guilt i feel because im the one that ended the relationship so i feel guilt thinking i dont deserve to be happy since i had made her sad when i ended the relationship this guilt is causing me to have anxiety attacks it sucks thank you to anyone who can give some advice update she said she doesnt want to be friends she either wants us to be together or nothing and if i choose nothing i can no longer visit the dog and cat that were ours that live with her i am too afraid to come out to anyone even friends and especially to her as i have a huge fear of being judged which i know for a fact my friends will end up either stop talking to me completely or judge me a lot and i know for a fact that she will not take it well at all tl dr i broke off a and a half year relationship because things were toxic and i realized im attracted to men i feel guilty about my ex,post,female
depression,2020-02-21,think i need a mental health break f im currently really stressed out currently with my life im supposed to be moving to miami next month and everything is going wrong amp my money isnt looking right enough to move unless i room with somebody i dont know at all at this point im just flustered tired and anxious and i dont know what to do next money is low i dont know where the next check is coming from amp on top of that im supporting my whole family it just gets hard i was supposed to take the ged move to miami amp start living a new life but i just wanna lay back stay in the same place amp party and forget about all the stress i feel like i just need a break after seeing that i truly have no friends no support amp realize that im doing this all on my own im trying not to self medicate but its so hard im trying not to give up but its so hard ,post,female
depression,2020-02-22,feeling really lonely after a breakup tl dr after a very shakey few months we finally broke up and its tearing me apart before we were together he m was my f best friend we would talk all the time and hang out like friends do our relationship was very fulfilling at least for me i had never felt so connected to someone and i dont mean romantically i was able to understand his likes his reasoning his personality etc in a way that felt natural that never happened to me before not even with my family or any past friends not only are we not together but he doesnt even want to talk to me long story and i feel so empty we would find time to tell each other about our days and he really was such an important part of my life i know i was a handful i have so many panic attacks and rapid mood swings but he never made me feel like i was a burden to him i never thought that i would be able to make anyone happy in the way that i was apparently making him i feel so mad at myself i think back at the times when i would be upset because i wouldnt see him as much as i would have liked or that he fell asleep before we could say goodnight i would give anything to have that again i just want to go back in time and relive every moment so that i can fully appreciate what i had i feel so stupid for letting myself fall into it so deep he was my first everything from the first person to show genuine interest in being in my life to more physical milestones now its all gone my light in so much darkness were teenagers what did i expect yet somehow i still feel into the trap i thought we were more than just some teenage fling i thought i actually had some greater value in his life than to just pass the time now im finding myself grieving a relationship that feels like was all in my head i cant stop crying i just want all this to go away ,post,female
depression,2020-02-22,has anyone been fell in love again with your ex after youre no longer depressed about years ago i f used to be depressed and i fell out of love with my bf i broke up with him but after i was no longer depressed ive just realized the fact that i still love him but yeah its too late time goes by i met my recent bf m and we started to date he was diagnosed with depression before i met him we got along well with each other everything seems perfect but suddenly his depression became severe he felt exactly the same way i used to feel ive tried to tell him this feeling is not permanent but failed he always feels down when he cant force himself to be happy around me and always thought he can only bringing trouble and sadness to me he also said he doesnt feel like he loves me as much as before and cant take care of anyone elses feeling now so we decided to break up to save our own mental health all the feelings depression did to him was used to happen with me but im wondering if it was only me who started to fall in love again with the same person after im no longer depressed or not do i still have a chance to get back with him since we didnt have got any big problems in our relationship except the fact he is now depressed before sorry for my bad english not my first language ,post,female
depression,2020-02-22,the girl that has everything i f have a nice home almost mortgage free im getting married in december to a wonderful and understanding man  i have a job im studying for my dream career as a counsellor i have great parents i have the cutest german shepherd i live in the countryside and ive travelled a lot of the world but why oh why wont my brain let me enjoy these things i recognise these privileges and find myself very lucky my thoughts want to focus on the negatives and tear me down ,post,female
depression,2020-02-22,starting to think the universe is trying to obliterate me ive had an absolute shit show of a last months and swear to god i have no freakin clue how im still standing i may not be too much longer if i cant get some emotional support in november my long term relationship ended and i had to move out of our shared home leaving our dog and his daughter that ive grown to love im f and this relationship was on off for years i do truly love him and cant seem to get past the life we were building together i feel so unbelievably lonely ive tried dating new people and keeping myself distracted but it all just reminds me how empty i feel around that same time my parents sold our family home and moved away from my hometown which has been a great source of loss for me because its the only place ive ever felt like i belonged i live several hours away and now have no reason to ever go home again its an unsettling feeling in december my grandmother that raised me for the first years of my life entered hospice and passed away in january she was one of the closest people in my life a week later someone i cared about threatened attempted suicide and i had to talk them off the ledge it was an unhealthy and manipulative friendship that i have since had to cut off for my own sanity less than a week later i had to put my cat to sleep id had him years he had been with me through dozens of moves one halfway across the country and back and probably just as many relationships i always joked that he was the only man that ever stuck with me this is the first time in my entire years that ive ever lived in a house without another heartbeat in it its lonely but no more pets for me last week i just found out that the owners of my company are restructuring and bringing in new management in weeks and our office staff may not get to keep our jobs i have savings to tide me over for a couple of months if i do end up unemployed but its hard to find a job doing what i do and i work with of my closest friends and they honestly get me through the day lately with as much going on as i do losing their daily support would kill me honest to god it feels like the universe is playing a sick joke on me how much more can i lose who have i pissed off up there i know i need to see a counselor but given that i may be unemployed soon i cant commit to making that weekly payment im sure there may be low cost options out there somewhere but i imagine the waiting list for those is ten miles long and i dont want to take away spots that should be used by people with worse more acute issues than i do so counseling will have to wait until i know that i have a job i have very few friends to lean on and no one really knows what to say to me other than it just takes time things will get better you have to experience the grief as it comes and time will heal you yeah i know that logically but it doesnt help me right now doesnt keep me from being overly touchy or irritable or keep me from being sad and crying all the time and those same people that say to just experience the grief are getting kind of irritable that im not my usual bouncy self even though im doing my damnedest not to ever cry in front of them and dont want to just let me be any words of wisdom to help me keep going and prevent my traumas from overwhelming me ,post,female
depression,2020-02-22,i make it enough to release this album all my struggles with depression adhd chronic pain all written down now at least my story is told and i want someone to feel it leaving a mark if you will but i continue to stay alive to fight tomorrow somehow with music with love with loss ill make it so ill appreciate if you take a look into my journey and just hit me up tell me how you feel i named this the worst possible use of free will ironically https open spotify com album iznepksjjuyhifacb ygd si cq vn kscqw gda ft w,post,female
depression,2020-02-23,i f never feel good health wise and i dont know why its pulling me into depression i cant remember the last time i woke up and felt absolutely great theres always something off my head hurts my stomach hurts my throat hurts i feel dizzy or aloof or anxious or something i always feel off i do have generalized anxiety disorder but i am on medication for it to be managed i dont know why i constantly feel this way its pulling me away from family and friends and making me not want to do anything i dont know why i dont know if its because im depressed and these are just signs of that i dont know if its because a relapse in my anxiety has happened i dont know if theres actually something physically wrong with me all of this doesnt help my anxiety but i try and manage and push through but at times i just cant has anyone ever dealt with something like this and if so what happened was something actually wrong or were you just in a weird funk ,post,female
depression,2020-02-23,gp didnt do much f ive be suffering the symptoms of depression for over a year now and only recently has it gotten to the extent of becoming unbearable it got to the point where my parents themselves initially very right wing and skeptical of mental health issues encouraged me to go to the doctors for some help my appointment took a month to process and i attended told her as much as i could despite my fears excluding alcohol use though she really didnt offer much help she said antidepressants are for major cases and she insinuated that therapy is a very long winded solution i feel as if she didnt get the gist of the severity of my situation as i have an automatic fa ade of being sweet and innocent to strangers because i get really bad anxiety theyre going to hate me i couldnt even penetrate through this social mask to tell her the truth all i ended up doing is crying at her desk she was very young herself and seemed unsure what to do after all she is medically trained for more physical issues than mental now im just stuck in this continuous rut of crying and hating everyday of my life so much the fuck are you meant to do now its severe enough to hinder you from getting out of bed and showering but not severe enough to overcome my intolerance of pain to kill myself ,post,female
depression,2020-02-23,my depression is ruining me im a f i have been stuck in a loveless relationship for five years that i have recently just ended i cannot get out of bed i cannot function properly the thought of leaving my own home causes anxiety i dont eat i smoke too much weed i drink too much drugs are the only way i can cope i dont want to be alive anymore im so sick of living but hey i have so much ahead of me right im going to be successful i know i will however there is so much pain i think ive been emotionally mentally and sometimes physically abused my whole life i just want to feel real love i just wanted to splurge my feelings im intoxicated and alone i just want a hug ,post,female
depression,2020-02-24,failing grades hello everyone im new to reddit in an attempt to seek help and advice i f have struggled with the feeling of underwhelming sadness for about years the reason i dont give this a title such as depression is because i havent seeked medical advice or been diagnosed so i dont feel its appropriate to diagnose myself but i do believe it may be a case of depression i didnt enjoy school due to lack of understanding particular subjects and feeling i was more behind than my peers the only subjects i excelled in was art amp design and english but despite even that i was so unmotivated to do it and i couldve really hit the high grades if i had tried harder and studied before exams something i didnt do from a young age i took to a passion for aviation i remember flying for the first time and being absolutely drawn in to the industry i remember my flight being delayed for hours and the entire time i had my little face pressed up against the glass over looking the airside area fixed to the activity going on below and taking it all in my ambition was to be a flight attendant after finishing school at i got a place in my dream college a college specific for aviation it was a long way from home but i managed to make it work im still attending now this is my second year and this second year is what i would like to address in this passage the issue is that i am behind in my work extremely behind i have no other excuse than myself for this im going to try and explain this the best way i can in the hopes some of you guys may have been through similar if not the same thing i absolutely love the subject i am studying and im very blessed to be attending and have a seat in the class i still very much wish to be a flight attendant so its not a case of not having a passion for learning i want to learn i havent lacked motivation in that area but where my work is concerned i just cannot do it its not a case of not understanding because when i do eventually get around to my work i believe i can do it well i just cannot bring myself to be organised motivated and work before the deadline even after my work is late i simply cannot force myself to address it its like a weight that holds me down in my bed and convinces me the work can be left i dont know how to describe it i cant be organised and do my work in regular intervals to ensure my work meets the deadline its like a constant fight between my heart and my head i hate disappointing my tutors which have been so lovely to me however i have not spoken to them about how i feel i feel guilty and ashamed when i walk into college without the work they have been expecting or expected i want to be successful in my course but im proving not to be and if im unlucky i worry for my place on the course sometimes the paperwork doesnt make sense to me and i cannot understand what is being asked of me i am extremely sad about this because i work outside of college and i am a good understanding and hard worker im better at practical work than class based i believe i could be a successful flight attendant given the opportunity but im worried i will not achieve the grades to get there due to these issues please help with any advice thank you,post,female
depression,2020-02-24,i feel guilty for being depressed i feel guilty for being depressed which makes me feel ungrateful which makes me guilty which makes me more depressed f i have many blessings in my life my health my family my loving partner a great education a great job financial resources a lot of wonderful things but im still depressed on a day to day basis and i feel terribly guilty about it based on all of these blessings i should be very happy and content but im not i am melancholy at times agitated irritable and unpleasant i have scrupulosity ocd which is essentially an overly active moral compass and makes me empathize and feel compassion very deeply it also comes with a lot of guilt if i see a homeless person or someone less privileged i often think that should be me or maybe god should give me something to really cry about and then ill learn to appreciate my life i dont really know why im posting here just venting i suppose does anyone have any tips for just accepting yourself and your depression ,post,female
depression,2020-02-24,my f partner f is suffering from depression i need some support weve been together for years known each other for ive seen her through drug abuse mistakes with guys before me break ups with me to try to shield me from taking my joy away etc this weekend however we talked about her depression as she is having a dark moment atm few weeks of numbing out to netflix and feeling like doing less and less activities im very empathetic but tend to take some thing personally i too suffer from a chronic illness and require some attention after my surgeries but im extremely optimistic and jolly overall she says im like this colorful little one i would love love love some suggestions on what i need to know so i dont get insecure and learn more about depression in general because i know her case personally and she has continuously reminded me that i cant do anything about it other than a few things but i love working with people i work with kids with disabilities and understanding them anything i need to know always that i cant keep forgetting about but its easy to forget thank you in advance,post,female
depression,2020-02-25, f separated from husband with  custody of year old i suffered pretty bad from ppd after having my son it didnt help that my husband was toxic and had his own problems now were on better terms but separated and hes paying for me to live in my own bedroom house for the sake of it feeling like another home for my stepkids totally love that its awesome but of the time its me and half of the week its my son and i ive been eating right and exercising daily for the past month and a half feeling so good about myself yesterday i got my son back and was so happy i meal prepped in the kitchen with fun music while simultaneously playing with my kiddo a really amazing day well today i could hardly get out of bed when he woke up at obviously thats wayyyyy too early for anyone so i just put it off as being tired but then i noticed a pattern when hes here he wakes up early we have way too much screen time in the morning because for three hours i physically cannot get out of bed for anything for myself but ill grab him his breakfast snacks diaper and we will just be in bed then i just feel like i cant do anything dishes no fucking way i havent done laundry in forever and my house after three months still isnt fully furnished i type that and think im just lazy but holy hell i took my son to the museum today and that was the biggest feat i think ive ever pulled just making that move to get out of bed get myself dressed get him dressed leave the house now i feel so heavy my head actually feels pressure pushing me down i dont want to do anything i had a three day streak where i didnt brush my teeth or my hair and thats still while dieting and exercising i think i am always depressed but on some days i can do more things than others and distract myself anyway meeting my stb ex tonight with my stepkids for a show another thing that i have to force myself to do without thinking of vomiting ,post,female
depression,2020-02-25,a little ramble i f dont know what to do i feel so unlovable yet i know theres so many people around me who do my family my friends and even my pets lol they all do so much for me and i am so grateful but i still feel empty and unsatisfied im so depressed and i know theres only so much the people around me can do and theyve already done more than enough i tell myself that its romantic love i want but i shutdown whenever someone actually considers going on a date with me im scared of meeting new people or something i still hang around my ex and no matter how he tries to make it clear that were done romantically i still believe that somehow someday soon hes gonna take me back i dunno sorry for this rant ,post,female
depression,2020-02-25,i crave a family f i have a good job people tell me im pretty and fit even tho i eat just junk food and sedentary i was always the person that tries to make everyone happy ive been struggling for years alone since i broke up a yr relationship i never had kids i just cant start a new serious relationship there might be a sign im sending wrong i only had a few interactions and short datings i cry alone at my comfy place i just wish i had a husband and kids a loving family if i die here nobody will care people will find me when i start to stink ,post,female
depression,2020-02-25,feeling detached from myself people disassociation its like theres parts of me the part underneath the real me that feels broken fragile weak and just tired the part that people see that comes out when people i love are around me its like i automatically get happier look normal and feel okay not completely better mentally but okay ive been in this rut for years now id say its gotten so much worse this last year since i started spending all my time in my room id eat sleep wake up phone eat and sleep this cycle goes on for weeks im f for reference ive tried so many times to get out of it but its so damn hard its like i relapse right word all over again i dont think im depressed i know im not mentally doing okay and need to sort my life out dont know where to start what should i do ,post,female
depression,2020-02-26,i f am in a downward spiral and it never stops this is my first ever post on reddit so im sorry if it violates any rules or anything this is super long so there will be tldr at the end the world is ending and that is the only way to describe how i feel the world is ending and im suffocating but its not to anybody else background ive had depression anxiety for as long as i can remember i have a wildly complicated horrible relationship with my mother a single mother who raised me an only child by herself and a friendly relationship with my father who wasnt around much until i was like so its like not at all a parental kind of relationship im in my last semester of college and its the hardest thing ive ever had to do im overloaded with hours of classes and working hours days a week i dont have any friends i used to but as i get older the depression gets worse my self esteem is wrecked i have incredible social anxiety thats also gotten worse as i get older the actual only human contact i have is my wonderful boyfriend m who lives with me he is patient and supportive in every way possible and showed me what love truly is his family are amazing people and i love them too they are everything i wanted in my family as a kid i regularly see a therapist and a psychologist and am on medication two things have triggered my downward spiral the loss of a written prescription of my antidepressants which has caused me to be off them for about a month but i have since found and been back on them but only for about days and this is also my fault and im kicking myself for this and the severing of my relationship with my mother she had me young and we have had a super insane relationship with no boundaries at all whatsoever she is my absolute best friend in the whole world but also the cause of my depression and anxiety regularly verbally and emotionally manipulating and abusing me since i hit puberty because of all of this i am incredibly depressed and anxious and its getting worse with each passing day something new happens with my mother almost every day where she has been cold to me but on top of this i have been physically sick with the flu which is going around in my area amp it has caused me to miss my class last week it is days a week for hours but i am able to work at home because we use our laptops to run the program we work on so i have been keeping up with schoolwork last friday was our midway presentation on our final projects i graduate this may and i ended up having a full on panic attack because i didnt have enough money to print my presentation out on my university account and i left my wallet at home because my boyfriend drove me to school it was already past time the class had started so i ran outside to try to calm down but everything had built up and i couldnt stop crying needless to say i didnt go to class i emailed my professor an embarrassingly cringey email about what happened and he hasnt responded attendance is important in this class this past weekend was mardi gras which i did not participate in because it turns out i have a sinus infection right after getting the flu i have a dr note for this i relapsed on my antibiotics and had to go back today to get a stronger prescription mardi gras classes resumed today at  my class starts at  i got a drs note because i obviously still feel bad coughing up mucus sneezing constantly blowing my gross snotty nose every seconds deep mucusy cough every seconds its not pretty and the class is freaking hours long and i dont want to subject anyone else to that either the classroom is tiny so i sent him it i said i can present when i come back this friday he has yet to respond to that too im terrified im going to fail and not graduate i have to graduate because i have an amazing job lined up for me afterwards tldr it feels like bad thing after bad thing keeps happening to me and i really want to just give up but i have so much pressure to not give up that it makes me so fucking anxious my anxiety is crippling me right now i dont really know why i posted this and im not really expecting any responses but if you had any kind words to say that would be really appreciated ,post,female
depression,2020-02-27,i am a failure and i deserve to die im f living far away from my family because of uni this is my first year at university and i attended very few classes im probably gonna fail everything i cant stand it last year was exactly the same but different university i feel bad for my parents because the are paying for everything rent food school etc and everything i do is stay in bed and cry because im too depressed to be fucking functional like a normal person they are like the emotionally abusive parents and they never supported me im scared to told them im feeling the same as the last years and im gonna drop out i feel like this world is not for me i dont know what to do with my life and this was my last chance at uni i have been diagnosed with depression generalized anxiety and social anxiety severe i go to therapy but seems like is not working at all and i dont have money to pay for a better therapist i have suicidal thougts almost everyday i dont have any friends so i feel very lonely and i dont have no one to talk to ,post,female
depression,2020-02-27,after isolating i feel awkward reconnecting i need help this is going to be a bit of a long post but i want to give some context ive struggled with depression my f entire life there are periods where my depression is debilitating complete loss of appetite for months suicidal ideation getting out of bed in the morning takes every last ounce of energy and there are times where it is completely functional and i feel okay i had a very bad downswing that started in the fall of  got a little better in the spring got really bad again over the summer and then became pretty unbearable in november of  im only just starting to feel better after working with my doctor trying to find a medicine that works for me and starting to work with a therapist again one of the ways depression hit me was that it made me want to isolate myself from my loved ones i was not only ashamed of how i was feeling but i was just really exhausted from pretending like everything was okay around other people basically i stopped responding to calls and texts unless i needed to respond like to coworkers one of the people i isolated myself from was one of my best friends whom ive known since college i know that this is one of the people i should have felt comfortable talking to about my struggles her mother in law however has also struggled with depression ive listened to my friend make comments about her mil such as i wish she would just snap out of it she is in control over her own mood so its her fault she feels this way and i just dont understand depression people should just get over it its made it very difficult for me to be able to open up to her about what im going through so i stopped responding to calls texts etc and obviously she has stopped reaching out to me i dont blame her now that im starting to feel some slight relief in my symptoms im wanting to reach out to her again i feel really bad that i cant bring myself to do it its been over a year since weve talked i feel embarrassed and i feel like it warrants an explanation i feel extremely bad about it now because she recently announced that she is pregnant i found out through facebook she was having a really hard time getting pregnant and shes always wanted a baby so this is really important to her i recently got an invitation to the baby shower i think that might be too much for me but i do want to reach out and congratulate her and maybe connect in person but one on one but i feel stuck thanks to anyone who read this far has anyone else experienced something similar or have any advice for me tl dr i became extremely depressed isolated myself from everyone including my best friend who has made disparaging comments about depression but not i want to reconnect but am feeling too embarrassed and stuck to do so halp ,post,female
depression,2020-02-28,hate myself and feel like i dont deserve love f ive never been in a relationship still a virgin amp only kissed a couple of guys i believe i am a nice person and have a pretty good personality from about  to now i have experienced mild to severe depression and anxiety this has always prevented me from dating because i was always to anxious to meet or associate with guys let alone go on a date with them during my teenage years i was also always a little bit over average weight nothing too over the top but i always believed when i was fat now i wish i could go back to my fat year old self lol this past years i have gained a lot of weight i have tried to exercise and eat healthy but it has never stuck i am severely unmotivated because im depressed i would rather sleep or watch netflix than go to the gym how do you actually make yourself motivated if youre depressed and dont want to get out of bed i have been this way for as long as i can remember these last few months i have become increasingly self conscious about my weight and body now i am embarrassed about it i never was embarrassed about it before i was always unhappy with it but never embarrassed now i am embarrassed to be seen in public because i feel like my body is disgusting and i cant explain how much i hate seeing my body in a mirror its because i am so depressed about my body that i also have no motivation to get out of bed to go to the gym i am also time poor but i know thats just an excuse i compare my body with absolutely every female i see and of the time i am thinking about my weight ive had this idea for quite a while that i wont allow myself to go on a date until i am happy with my weight and i know thats not going to be for a long time i really dont know what to do i have no motivation because i hate myself but i also hate myself because i have no motivation i am  cm and weigh about kg any advice would be appreciated or any tips on little changes i can make to help first ,post,female
depression,2020-02-28,my rant long post i f need to rant a bit because i cant really say the things im about to say to anyone else in my life lol go back years ago from today and everything was mostly fine i had great friends a loving partner and a family that i thought truly cared for me in march of  my boyfriend and i broke up due to trust issues a month later one of my friends moves far away due to issues in her family i havent heard from her since in may of  all hell broke loose my friends started to fight and argue with each other constantly and i was basically the bridge between them my family started to turn against me yelling at me for not doing anything useful with myself my anxiety shot through the roof and i started getting sick extreme weight loss hair loss fatigue etc i think this might have been the cause i just know that nothing was the same after that month weak ties with my family members two friends out of my life eventually my ex boyfriend and i had a talk and we ended our connection on a good note but he and his family moved out of the city and we never talked again meanwhile my remaining friends are still fighting that shit builds up emotionally skip to november of  i started dating one of my close friends who was unfortunately one of the main sources of drama at the time he convinced me to cut ties with my female best friend who may or may not have only kept me around for her benefit i didnt want to do it but i could barely even think clearly i was physically and mentally sick from my constant anxiety i had broken most of my social connections in just one year and i felt like a piece of shit every day fortunately im doing a lot better now im no longer physically sick and im rarely anxious anymore but damn i still feel horrible at the end of each day here are some reasons why i think i might be bipolar im angry for days then an emotional high for days repeated my family hates my boyfriend and they dont want me talking to him because they dont trust him at all were also long distance atm im angry over almost everything im lonely i hate myself and i dont have a job or skills if i tell my family anything like this they fucking mock me ive tried believe me i dont really like complaining but i just cant hold back anymore if this keeps going on ill just kill myself in the end i have so much and yet i still hate life i could kill myself now and nobody would notice until hours after but im a coward so lol,post,female
depression,2020-02-28,feeling completely replaced amp is causing so much pain preface my depression is already at the worst its ever been this past month this then happens and it crippled me we were so close for years he was the only person i trusted and was close to last week we argued bc i got out of hospital and he m didnt visit me instead talking to local girl f i confronted him and he deleted her and said he wouldnt even like her anyway because he doesnt respect her job online sex work he cut me off a few days later zero emotion i went to drop my stuff off at him and he looked at me like i was a stranger he walked off part way through the discussion about it and never spoke to me again to me its unfinished conversation to him its forgotten yes he readded her she blocked me he blocked me and he added the link to the same adult site she uses in his bio  im devastated its been days and i sleep about hours per night cry excessively and can barely eat a thing i physically cannot face another week feeling this horrendous my thoughts have got dark on waiting list for nhs therapy doctors know how low i am but cant do much more than they are i feel replaced and thrown away for new girl painful to know he probably is super taken with as she very sexual like him and thanks to my serious health issues ive been too sick to be sexual in a while hes got his dream fantasy and ive got my nightmare feel not good enough and like the loser here im here inconsolable while theyre probably having a great time together me not crossing his mind i wont even get closure let alone a apology just tell me how the hell to get over this i cant physically be sad about it for another second im sick of crying im in a lot of pain ,post,female
depression,2020-02-29,staring blankly ahead hi so i f have suffered from depression and anxiety plus ptss but that has been well treated since i was years old recently ive been experiencing a mild relapse but i realised that when im getting worse i just tend to stare blankly ahead so one moment im in the middle of a conversation the next moment i realise that ive been staring ahead into nothing this can be in combination with worrying and thinking but sometimes im not thinking about anything and my mind just goes blank i can kind of feel it in my eyes when it happens i lose focus does anybody else experience this or maybe have an explanation about what it could be im not sure if its useful to discuss with my psychologist ,post,female
depression,2020-02-29,my ex girlfriend is the only person i have right now me f and my girlfriend f broke up two weeks ago it was all my fault i was so insecure and i felt so lonely even with her i hurt her so much for the last six months and we fight a lot i was so selfish i cant even think how she feels about my actions im in therapy for eight months and i figured out that my actions were a consequence of the bad relationship ive had with my parents yesterday i talk with my ex and decided to cut ties and stop talking i didnt feel anything after that but today i talk with my therapist about it and i feel extremely sad i feel so guilty for everything and i hate myself because she doesnt deserve this at all i feel so bad right now and i try to talk with a friend but she doesnt understand me so i decided to text my ex and shes coming to see me i dont know what to do i feel extremely lonely right now ,post,female
depression,2020-02-29,im in las vegas and feel nothing im here for a few days for my brother in laws wedding we were excited about going for months but i started a few new medications for major depression and general anxiety disorder and i dont feel anything its crazy las vegas is amazing and the weather is beautiful at home its f right now my husband is getting frustrated with me we were going to go to the belaggio water show last night with my husband and his brothers we left at and by we were still stuck in the casino i dont gamble it makes me too nervous and it was just so busy that i started feeling panicky and so nervous i went back to the hotel by myself husband is still pissed at me they eventually got to the belaggio at around pm its so frustrating because i know i should feel happy and im trying to but i cant ,post,female
depression,2020-02-29,tool visit whyagain org for a tool to help turn sadness in love its basically an exercise but is very very powerful https whyagain org index php en https whyagain org index php en https docs google com forms d e faipqlsfiqit z awxn le mq c meg wnk uqkrhwpz jlqfuaora viewform https docs google com forms d e faipqlsfiqit z awxn le mq c meg wnk uqkrhwpz jlqfuaora viewform ,post,female
depression,2020-02-29,starting to feel hopeless again i feel like im failing at life and everything i try to do isnt worth it anymore im f and dropped out of psych at uni took a year break and switched to a different college amp completely new major computer science thinking things would be different and id actually put in the work this time but no im still the same depressed person and absolutely nothing has changed that i cant even hold a job for a week because im so fucking anxious i cant even hand a piece of paper to my prof because of the anxiety i have absolutely no friends i stay in my house unless im at school i feel like im not made for this world and im honestly not sure how long i can go on like this ive wasted so much time and money at college i wish i chose something else to study but i dont want to waste more years and i just dont know what to do i started this program months ago and ive been doing alright but i know its going to get extremely hard in the coming semesters and i seriously doubt id be able to do it i have absolutely no motivation to study and im miraculously scrapping by on the bare minimum at this point im living with my dad amp i feel guilty that i cant get a job and i cant do things like a normal adult ive never been diagnosed with anything or taken medication therapy i know thats the problem and i need help but its just so difficult reaching out everything feels exhausting and pointless and i just want to disappear i hate this so so much i feel like nothing matters because im going to die anyway does anything ever get better i feel so lost and ugh i just want to be happy and for things to actually work out but it never does ,post,female
depression,2020-03-01,today is the hardest day ive had in a long time i just feel like i cant do today its going to happen anyway and i really dont want it to im f so i dont know that i fit into this subreddit anymore but at the same time i think we all relate to each other because our suffering is still the same just the rest might be different but i really cant today today i dont know how im going to get through it ,post,female
depression,2020-03-01,are some people not made to be alive my mother told me the other day she was surprised that i am still alive im a f was i made to withstand the world at all or if it was inevitable other people survive so many terrible things with incredible resilience i crumbled in the face of daily life i was already depressed and broken from a young age i cant remember not feeling like the world is full of pain and horror and theres nothing i can do about it i have lost that light and with it most of myself it is often painful to live with so much feeling all the time but it was who i was it was a part of me that i have never had i feel i will never be whole and this is not the legacy i wanted to leave i think back to my mother and i wish she had never said those words to me ive been turning them over in my head for weeks i didnt know why they hurt so much but i think its because i wish she had been right ,post,female
depression,2020-03-01,depression and bad self esteem im a f in my first relationship with a man i love m very much my low self esteem and horrible self image are making myself and him crazy i cant seem to believe he loves me and is attracted to me despite numerous examples to the contrary i also am much more emotional than even before does anyone in similar situations have any advice ,post,female
depression,2020-03-01,am i depressed f so i feel like i may be depressed but im not sure ive always had low self esteem and low confidence but recently its got a lot worse i dont have many friends and i feel so alone every day im really shy and unconfident around people and always overthink my actions and worry what they think about me i feel like i have to just get through the day and i dont really find anything enjoyable i cant get to sleep and i feel really tired and lazy all the time i struggle with basic self care and i dont eat well ive always been told im attractive so i feel like i base my self worth on that i find it difficult to leave my house without makeup if i feel like i look bad in public i feel really uncomfortable i always compare myself to other girls instagram also seriously affects my mental health i judge myself based on how many likes or comments i get and worry sooo much about whether people think im pretty im always on my phone to try and distract myself from anxious and sad thoughts do you think i may be depressed ,post,female
depression,2020-03-01,im scared im f and i feel like ive done nothing with my life im tired of my job and want to move on but there isnt anything around outside retail and food i cant support myself with my part time job so i still live at home i hate it cause im constantly getting asked when im going to get a full time job or why dont i go out more full time jobs in my area that are related to my college degree dont exist and going to do retail just gets me shit talked by my dad i did retail for months before my current job and it was months of him shit talking me about getting a real job going out to hang with friends isnt much of an option either i only have friend that stayed around by which i mean stayed in town after college and shes busy with her own life i dont want to be that friend that clings to someone i feel like of my friends have moved on with their lives full time jobs buying houses getting engaged being happy when some of them came back during the holidays i met with a group and it was nice but i still felt so depressed they all sound so happy with themselves and im just not ever since meeting with them they are trying to invite me to their gatherings travel plans and i just cant afford it and it just makes me feel small every time i have to turn them down ive always dealt with depression since back in middle school my anxiety came in college but now i feel so exhausted i feel like im not going anywhere i graduated with a degree i wanted to change my junior year because i knew there would be no career path for me my parents said just finish it and well think about what to do after you graduate years later and my self hatred has grown i feel no one arounds me understands my stress and low opinion i have of myself ive tried talking about it with my parents and its just you shouldnt feel like that or it sounds like youre saying im a bad parent the conversation always turns and suddenly im trying to console their parenting i dont talk with my friends about these feelings idk why im writing this maybe its suppose to be therapeutic idk its just i want to put this out there cause today i had a scary thought im not happy i dont remember the last time i was and if this keeps going the way it is i dont think ill ever turn ,post,female
depression,2020-03-02,i feel like im going to crack soon im f i have aspergers and im struggling to keep going ive never even posted on reddit before but i really feel like im going to off myself soon if nothing changes i hate knowing this because i have a long distance girlfriend now who will be absolutely destroyed if i left her behind to grieve but im at the point where the pain involved seems less and less scary the more i think and that cant mean anything good more and more often i just wish for that hypothetical switch to just instantly end it all because the stress of bring a mediocre artist in a world where i have to work harder than thousands of other more qualified people or i starve i never have time to rest in art school and i feel like im getting closer to drowning every day this is the only thing im even slightly good at or enjoy so if this fails i really will kill myself no questions asked my only friends are states away or online and therapy isnt helpful i feel so lost and alone and i keep spending money on frivolous things to keep the feeling of the void at bay because having something anything to look forward to is otherwise hard to come by i just want my life to be over and i cant see a way out ,post,female
depression,2020-03-02,break through i want to live moment some background i f have been struggling with suicidal ideation on and off for the last several years it began as very infrequent intrusive thoughts i have been on antidepressants for two years now and they have helped tremendously however i stopped taking them with no medical guidance in may or june of and didnt resume taking them daily until august at that point my suicidal thoughts were extensive i never made a plan but i would think fantasize about it constantly sometimes all day now i have extensive suicidal thoughts once or twice a month i am seeing my psychiatrist regularly again this weekend i was out with friends and did a lot of cocaine i was genuinely afraid that i would die and i realized then how desperately i really wanted to live it felt like a real break through now im wondering if it will have any real impact can a break through like this actually subdue ones suicidal ideation or are suicidal thoughts not rational enough for this to be very helpful what are your experiences with moments like these any and all insights are much appreciated ,post,female
depression,2020-03-02,absent father trauma is now kicking my ass f my parents got divorced in  then it did not affect me that much because they were always fighting and it was nice to have peace and quiet now ill listen to old songs that i grew up listening to with my parents just to maybe feel like everything is okay in relationships i have no trust and im constantly anxious that the other person is doing something bad to me i tried to get into contact with my dad this past fall and we talked a little bit i even offered to cook for him so he can come over and see me he was never really present in my life after the divorce he would take me on holidays and that was it so now that i was inviting him he would get off of the phone and be like ill call you right back never called im so deeply wounded how do you get through the trauma of not feeling wanted i feel so depressed all of the time im so happy i have my cat otherwise i wouldnt be here writing this post it sucks so bad to have never experienced that fatherly love ,post,female
depression,2020-03-02,i f wanna get better but i dont know how pretty broad title i know but i have kept my room messy constantly been ignoring my homework and have asked my boyfriend multiple times if he wants to break up because i just cant support him the way a girlfriend should if ever im with friends there has to be drinking involved otherwise im quiet antisocial and a pain to be around my psychologist talked to me about going on antidepressants but i dont have insurance and wouldnt be able to afford it any advice ,post,female
depression,2020-03-03,im in a hole or maybe i am the hole this is my first ever post on reddit so apologies if i break any rules or conventions by mistake i f have been dealing with anxiety and depression for as long as i can remember my parents were shitty and abusive and i have siblings who while i love them dearly have almost always treated me like the meg griffin of the family probably unknowingly following my parents example none of them would ever admit this though theyre all proud of me for being the first and only to graduate college despite not actually caring to know who i am as a person i developed self esteem issues at a really young age because of this still ive spent the past decade trying to build myself up and hanging on to hope things will get better mentally i was actually ok up until last summer ended i got the opportunity to start working as a teacher something ive always wanted to do i loved my job i loved the kids and it turns out i also love math the problem was that i was new didnt study education had no experience or training and was then basically pushed in the deep end teaching math to every student in the school the workload was massive and i was crumbling i held on as long as i could not only because i didnt want to accept failure but for the reasons mentioned above i loved my job but it was breaking me i had no time to myself and barely enough time to sleep it put strain on my relationship because i was too stressed and anxious to just be myself even on the weekends cause i had to spend that free time preparing for the week ahead and grasping old work i was dissociating a lot i remember one time i saw myself in the mirror and was surprised because i literally forgot who i was nobody called me by my first name anymore i barely had time to shower every day or make myself pretty in fact i had to actively try to make myself less attractive because my students were too horny i started using blow because it made me feel like i could do the things and i could finally without feeling like an empty husk but after a couple months i felt that it was inevitably going to get out of hand so i had to stop and that made doing the things even harder and then the workload increased yet again the day i quit i couldnt even get out of bed how anxious and just weak i felt i still feel like a failure for not making it to june and probably will for the rest of my life my best friend years hasnt spoken to me since i quit she also hadnt really spoken to me much before then either she would say shed be there for me but wouldnt return my texts or when i tried to actually find her and talk in person shed always be busy with someone else i thought we were going to grow old together stupid i know my family isnt all too pleased with me either since over the past year ive put my foot down on how i will and wont accept being treated im completely alone aside from my so im trying not to put the whole weight of everything on him because even if he didnt have his own anxiety to deal with it just wouldnt be fair but im drowning im trying to find a therapist asap because i feel like ive lost so much progress from over the last few years and the intrusive self harm thoughts are starting to control me again the truth is the one thing keeping me from killing myself all these years has been a dream of the family ill someday have i want kids more than anything in this world but now i feel i dont deserve them and probably never will so much for that dream i dont know whats my goal here to feel less alone maybe some tips on how to find an ok therapist with shitty insurance and no money im a woman of color and desperately fearful of opening up to someone whos just going to gaslight me ive been gaslit my whole life i just cant take it from someone whos supposed to help and i feel it would discourage me from going to therapy at all ,post,female
depression,2020-03-04,boyfriend m ended things with me f due to depressive episode had no idea he dealt with depression new to reddit i hope im ok to post here and not breaking any rules my boyfriend of years and i have had an overall happy relationship we had one breakup last summer for a month or so due to him being unable to communicate well but since getting back together things have been great we saw each other last week and everything was normal we made plans to spend saturday together saturday i texted him twice during the day and got no reply by pm i was pretty annoyed and over reacted a bit i sent texts asking what was going on expressing frustration that we were dealing with the same lack of communication as before sunday morning he responds saying clearly this isnt working and tells me that he was struggling with a depressive episode saturday and was unable to even find the energy to text me i feel horrible he has never indicated to me that this was a struggle he dealt with hes told me before sometimes he gets into funks but never anything like this if i knew i would have definitely backed off he accused me of always making him feel guilty i asked him to please not make the decision to end our relationship based on a misunderstanding as i can only react to the information i had and to please tell me if he wants to be with me and that i will give him the space he wants needs to recover he never responded to that message so i assume we are broken up i have not tried to contact him since this is probably silly to add but he has also been avoiding all of my social media stories which is out of character for him i have never dealt with depression so im not sure what protocol is here i guess im just looking for how i can reach out if i should let him know im here for him or get him to understand that i would never want to pressure him or negatively affect his mental health im blindsided because a week ago we were talking about our future and now he is acting like i dont exist tl dr i over reacted to my bf not responding to my texts when we had plans he tells me he was dealing with a depressive episode and that i was guilting him and ended things im blindsided and desperate to fix this ,post,female
depression,2020-03-06,i just want to go home f my husband wanted to move from west coast to the east coast here we are months later i hate my job and most coworkers i met a coworker i loved but she ended up leaving and now i have nothing to look forward to at work i eat in my car id rather eat by myself than with gossiping whining women my husband has always been a people person so hes made friends pretty quick theres days were hes out and im sitting home alone so alone i cry in secret i keep things to myself idk where ive gotten the idea that i need to be strong and crying is weakness i tried talking to my husband last night and i was having a hard time talking he ended up leaving and just sleeping in the livingroom which didnt help this situation i miss my mom i miss my sister i really fuckin miss my friends god do i miss thier hugs so damn much i miss my job it was an amazing job with great pay and my coworkers were my friends i miss our little home i miss my car lucy i miss the weather i just want a hug,post,female
depression,2020-03-07,what if im the bad guy i f have been bullied and belittled i always tried to comfort myself by thinking that its ok because i dont deserve this and one day itll all be over and ill be happy but what if the reason im suffering is because im the bad guy i always feel useless like a burden like i dont deserve to have the things that i do like im wasting my life maybe i feel like this because im the bad guy ive always blamed my bullies for making me feel bad about myself but maybe i deserve to feel bad about myself and this is the worlds way of telling me that im the wrong one and i shouldnt be here ,post,female
depression,2020-03-07,my mom f is depressed and im not sure how to help her my mom lives with me during the weekends and stays in another city during the week for work my dad lives in another country to take care of some business ive started noticing that my mom is getting increasingly hard to be around she gets angry at the lightest thing and my husband kids and me feel we have to tiptoe around her feelings not knowing whats going to upset her if we plan on doing anything without her she gets sad if my son says he doesnt want to sleep next to her she gets upset at him initially i was getting annoyed but now i realize she might be depressed she has had depression years ago but my dad was around then and things seemed to improve now im not sure how to help her do i suggest she see a doctor or get therapy i feel she is depressed because my dad isnt around and she feels lonely but i cant fix that i dont want to hurt her feelings more but would like to see her get better ,post,female
depression,2020-03-07,anti depressants have ruined so many good things for me m i dont rant very often but id like to share my personal experience regarding what anti depressants have done to me as an individual i began taking lexapro in because i had symptoms of depression and suicidal thoughts it took a long time for the medication to work but unfortunately it caused me terrible stomach problems my anxiety has been terrible since i was a kid i needed to figure it out so late last november i switched to prozac worst idea of my life i started dating this wonderful girl who was independent and sweet and empathetic with me which helped me sometimes feel like i could fight my mental health problems but when the medication started ramping up in december i started throwing and breaking things and eventually we got into physical altercations i have never in my life been in a fight with another human being im a small guy i dont like confrontation and i dont appreciate when people are irrationally violent well prozac made me absolutely violent it is still coming out of my system and i can feel it lessening everyday but i still cant seem to hold down the rage i cant stop myself from having knee jerk reactions to even little things like what i hear or what people say to me i am in so much pain because this medication isnt helping me control anything like my doctor promised im going to start therapy in hopes to curb this but i havent had these issues since i was ten or eleven years old back in september i was happy but anxious and sometimes fell into depression but i got out of it i dont want to try anymore medication i was perfectly fine just taking the hits and dealing with it on my own but prozac made me feel like i had no control i still sometimes feel like i dont props to my girlfriend f for she hasnt left me while i struggle with this but im feeling like an outcast too ive slept on the couch for two weeks as punishment from her i tell her how i feel and she says i wonder why and then tells me to prove i can be different i just want this bullshit to stop im so done feeling like this i want the pain to stop and i just want to be me again ,post,female
depression,2020-03-08,do i have depression what should i do f ive been feeling very restless since i was which gradually got worse in the last years i know that i enjoy studying and i do have many other goals i want to achieve such as exercising regularly but i cant seem to translate them into actions i suspect it started due to a burn out when i was  i did well in my exams and it felt good so i really enjoyed studying hence all i did was to study all day approaching a major exam i think i started to burn out and i sometimes just laid on my bed and used my phone when i should have been studying this went out of control when i entered high school there was a steep learning curve and everyone around me were smarter than me studying became less enjoyable and my tendencies to stay in bed all day doing nothing became stronger than ever looking back those were really hard times my mind was literally telling me to study but my body wouldnt budge an inch i thought that it would be over after i have finished my exams but unfortunately not at first i tried very hard to get out of this situation i worked hard to find a job during my break and started journaling however such progress was only short lived even though i managed to get a temporary job everyday when i reached home and on weekends i was one with my bed now that ive received my results im even procrastinating with my uni applications my parents were very strict and controlled my life for the first years so i dont think i was given the chance to develop my self discipline im not sure if i have issues with my self discipline or if i have any mental illnesses i have many goals for myself which i have written and typed so many times in an attempt to kick start my momentum but they never materialise i am normal at work except maybe a little lack of self confidence but off work i literally do nothing useful can someone help me analyse my situation and also provide tips on how i should proceed from here i would really appreciate any help thank you ,post,female
depression,2020-03-08,need advice f i dont know if what i am feeling is normal or if i really should be looking for help for the past or so years i believe ive been struggling with depression this past summer was probably the worst it has ever been but i am currently doing okay i dont know if i am depressed because i can work hang out with friends and i do enjoy some parts of life i have a part time job that i do that pays well enough to cover rent expenses i dont love it there and that is another side issue but i havent been low enough that i cant get up and go to work when i need to however i know that there are times when i just cant cope with the struggles of life i have self harmed on and off for the past five years not enough to leave permanent or noticeable damage but it is something i am so ashamed of that i have never told a soul and i dont think anyone notices more recently i go through periods of starving myself or eating a lot less than i should be i am a normal weight and dont believe its an ed but it is something that i will do on purpose when i am depressed feeling low over the summer i lived alone and there was a time where i attempted to od i dont know what i was really thinking i just knew i wouldnt have been mad if i didnt wake up in the morning there are some issues with my family that causes a lot of stress although this is more recent aka past two years i dont really know what i am asking maybe just for some advice i get really socially anxious and the idea of asking for help is the last thing i want to do but i cant live my life like this i tried betterhelp a while back but i didnt feel as though it help but i may have gave up too quick i live in ontario which means eventually i will have access to free therapy but i dont know if i can hold out until then ,post,female
depression,2020-03-09,how do i make sense of what happened i am f now but when i was in highschool i was in a year relationship with a girl who emotionally abused me and gaslighted me to the point of myself attempting suicide multiple times im not one to get triggered but hearing her name in passing sends me into a spiral the topic recently came up with my longtime boyfriend as i had been pushing it away for years avoiding the topic i dont know how to explain the situation without sounding crazy because it does sound crazy why would i date someone i actively hated for years why wouldnt i just leave when i realized i was being abused i dont know its because i was being manipulated and threatened that if i left i would be responsible for her suicide its because i was tricked into alienating all my friends so if left i would have nobody left its because when i was still in the hospital after overdosing she continued to tell me how i was selfish i was being its how she told everyone i attempted and then blamed my best friend for the reason the whole student body knew i was gone my closest friend who witnessed it all real time is the only one in the world that truly understands as well as i do what happened and i know she knows why this happened but i dont know how to express the pain to anyone else without sounding like an idiot i dont even know how to explain to myself what happened and if it was all my fault after all ,post,female
depression,2020-03-10,i ruined it forewarning i have zero relationship experience i made this clear to her in advance but i cant help but think that i did or said something that caused the wrong idea i m met the most amazing woman of the face of the earth f about two months ago she is super sweet kind smart funny drop dead gorgeous and a dream to spend time with we originally met just to hookup however we connected and she became an amazing friend by far the best thing to ever happen to me in my entire life no question we werent bf gf we were us no labels we hung out went on dates explored the city and generally just spent time together and it was so fun and felt so good age gap is a thing i understand i wasnt expecting a relationship or anything but if it turned to that i wouldnt say id be adverse we had talked before about the age gap and she said that it wasnt really a problem anyway the other day i received a text from her that she thinks we shouldnt see each other anymore that things were going too fast and she wasnt comfortable or ready for it two hours before this she responded to a cute meme i sent her that was a cuddle coupon and she said she would be using it a lot how it goes complete turn in such a short time fuck my life frankly im devastated i never intended to rush anything in fact i was more than content being friends i cant help but feel that i did something or said something that ruined it and i hate myself for causing the end of the best thing that has ever happened to me i feel like i was being toxic or asking for too much without realizing it i am in so much pain now i am planning on improving myself mainly to try and numb the pain also hoping that our paths cross once again i place no blame on her if she thinks its over then i guess its over i respect her feelings but god i feel so bad and miss her so much im afraid to sleep at night because i dream about her and feel even worse i cant focus on work or family or anything ive basically been crying nonstop i feel like such a baby and such a burden why would she want to hang out with me anyway i think to myself its so fucking painful i was truly genuinely happy for once in my life and now its over i fucking ruined it i would do anything to be friends with her once again her birthday is coming up and i think im gonna send her a card which is probably the stupidest fucking thing imaginable but i want to do it anyway well yeah i kinda just wanted to vent but im interested to hear about what yall think too thanks for reading lots of love voodoo,post,female
depression,2020-03-10,my m wife f just moved out depressed and pushing me away my wife has been struggling to find happiness for over a year now she couldnt decide if she was unhappy because of us or just unhappy in general it has been a year of her putting extremely limited effort into the relationship and then pulling back once things seem to be improving does this sound like depression taking over or should i just let her go and start over interesting note she started taking cymbalta duloxetine this past weekend ive read that this will take weeks to begin really helping with her views of the world am i silly to think it will change her view of us we went to counseling last february and she told the therapist she never loved me and pretty much forced our entire relationship i know she loved at one point but her views are so jaded now appreciate some feedback with others that have experienced similar ,post,female
depression,2020-03-10,just some thoughts first id like to apologise for any mistakes english is not my first language second first time posting its really hard for me to talk about my feelings and problems with relatives and friends so here i am if its the wrong place please let me know lately its getting harder for me to go through the days i keep feeling useless lost sad and lonely i have people around me who says youre not alone or you can count on me but people who dont have depression never really get what it is like so i end up never sharing most because im afraid to just put this weight on them im out of energy to do basically anything and for me its easier to pretend everything is fine but these days im not getting enough sleep wake in the middle of the night crying i feel that the older i get f the harder it is to live i dont have suicidal thoughts but id really like to cease existing id like to thank you guys for being able to have this place where i can read your feeling and express mine ,post,female
depression,2020-03-10,a glimpse into my existence notice i dont say life because im not living im a f who has been battling depression for as long as i can remember only did i get professional help within the past year i see a therapist twice a week and a psychiatrist once a month for a whole year now i can honestly say im only getting worse especially within the past years ive tried all the grounding techniques and breathing exercises and types of medications nothing is working and im only putting more and more financial strain on my dad he supports me financially when it comes to medical bills and oh do i feel so guilty about that he is the only parent who works due to my mom having a heart condition as you guessed i still live under their roof because i cant hold a job long enough to support myself i was clinically diagnosed with depression and gad and im sure thats just the tip of it i dont understand my emotions and due to the depression causing memory loss and brain fog that doesnt allow me to comprehend or configure sentences to express my issues to my doctors i have nothing to my name no car no job no nothing i have a loving boyfriend of years who has supported me as much as he can throughout all of this a lot of the times he doesnt know what to do or say and i remind him i dont blame him nothing in this world could make me feel any differently everyday i wake up i sigh here we go again i sleep majority of the days away im talking  hours im asleep i can only stay awake for up to hours max before dozing off needing a nap my mind runs constantly about this and that and all of the above to the point i exhaust myself there is nothing more i want at this point than to not be alive i just dont want to do it anymore i pray for death i pray every time i leave my house i die in a car accident a stray bullet a fire anything i get jealous when i hear on the news someone has passed i wish it were me now there is this new coronavirus spreading and everyone is freaking out sweeping stores of canned goods water and necessities while i pray i come in contact with someone who is infected i have a very loving family two loving parents an older sister who pushed me to address my mental health and a younger brother who has a big heart i could never commit suicide because were all that we have no other family ties we all live together and always have so were very very close i think about it every day though hanging myself from the tree out back taking every single pill i have and can find through out the house feeding a tube from the exhaust pipe of the car through my window into my closet with me in it driving into oncoming traffic hell i even saw in a movie a guy wrapped a rope around his neck through his back window of the car and around a tree and hit the gas ive thought about blowing my brains out but all of this is gruesome and would mentally fuck anyone who heard their loved one passed in such a way i cant do that to them but how is that fair to me that i live such a miserable life just for the sake of those around me i juggle those two do i finally do something that i want or keep pleasing those around me my parents know i have depression and anxiety but who really knows what that means unless you are going through it i know they dont understand and are uncomfortable with the thought of it so its just an here is the money for your thing type thing i never really have gone into detail about any of this because i dont want them to think they failed me i had a very good childhood no incidences i was a very anxious kid but because of that it pushed me to do what i was told and get good grades i always wonder why i have depression and anxiety i was never molested abused or bullied more than the average kid i havent gone through anything traumatic or anything more than the average heartbreak from a high school sweetheart i do have to admit he did abused me emotionally mentally verbally and somewhat physically but ive felt this way even before him i could go on and on about my involuntary existence but the real reason im typing this right now is because i had to do something to get my mind off taking all of my pills at once yesterday i poured them all in my cupped hands and it looked like enough to do the job and since then i cannot get that picture out of my head i do think i should admit myself into a mental institution but you know what that means more money from dad way way way more money and i just cant take from him anymore he has the rest of us to support so whatll ill do tonight ill try to sleep wake up and sigh rinse and repeat if youve made it this far i appreciate that because no one and i mean no one has gotten this much raw emotion from me hell i might just share this with my loved ones to give an insight of how far from ok i really am because im very good at faking that i am ,post,female
depression,2020-03-10,advice on how to stop numbing emotions f kinda wondering if ive developed bed ive had an unhealthy relationship with food for years but its become this now its gotten to the point where i feel like i just need something to numb everything right now its food otherwise alcohol drugs or something else how do i stop using things that numb my emotions and live a normal healthy life how do i want to stop using eating the emotion numbing things what do i replace the emotion numbing want with also im on antidepressants will up and am trying to figure out counseling i know i want to be free of this but at the same time i want to keep my pattern of sleeping and video games and hiding from life,post,female
depression,2020-03-11,depression due to death im f currently going through a few family deaths and it is dragging me back to a depressive state i worked hard to avoid i cant out run it i drink water i work out i mostly eat right i keep myself occupied by seeing friends and all that stuff that is suppose to help but it is starting to become less effective and i cant enjoy those things anymore and when i do it is such a temporary feeling i just lost my great grandmother i worked through that easier because she was elderly and had been fighting dementia for quite a while shes in a better place however my grandpa who once he got on retirement found out he had stage four lung cancer and had less than a year to live he beat that odd and through treatment the cancer went away we were a miracle family and i felt relief weeks later we get told it spread to his spine and there is no treatment options anymore hes going to die before spring most likely i can see the life fading from him and i dont know what to do i visit when i can and bring his favorite chocolate chip cookies when i see him i can put on a brave face but during the week and after i just am falling apart im crying myself to sleep every night and the second i get home from work i cry on and off i feel like such a burden to the people around me because i have nothing but sadness to give i want to go to therapy but i cannot find a therapist who works weekends i work and go to school all day during the week im falling apart and im afraid to go off the deep end because this time isnt about me it is suppose to be about my grandpa all i can think about it death all i can think about is how my family is going to lose someone so important to all of us my grandma will lose her partner all i can think to do is push people away to shield them from the emotional bomb i am on top of all this my great uncle is teetering in the edge of death himself i feel like anywhere i turn someone is going to be dying i cant sleep right anymore and im starting to decay in school i dont know what to do i dont know when ill feel myself again ,post,female
depression,2020-03-12,my bf m has severe depression and i f dont know how to help suggestions my bf has rarely been open with me about his depression until it comes out during a fight usually as an explanation for his behavior when i didnt realize thats what was going on i hate that i dont know how to deal with it he typically spirals and can spend days weeks or months on a downward path of not getting anything done and being extremely sensitive or irritated i have tried to ask him talk to him about it but he doesnt want to i usually get mildly upset if he snaps at me and dont have the patience that i would like for handling his bad moods how do your spouses support you in a positive way what can i do that wont make it worse or push him away im not the best at taking car office people but im trying to learn tl dr my bf struggles with depression and i need suggestions for how to handle it and support him ,post,female
depression,2020-03-13,i can feel happiness i f have spent the last years of my life with intense depression i never thought i had real depression though just a series of bad days the series lasted years and i still didnt think it was real depression eventually i tried to end it it didnt work so i tried harder weeks later i landed in the icu for days and a psych ward for a week i was pissed they made me start on meds and go to therapy hours every day when i got out i spent the next weeks with my family so i couldnt try anything because everyone was watching me like a hawk but over that month of being on meds i gradually wanted to die less and less i was still pretty unhappy but not suicidal i got up the courage thanks to my husband to go to a doctor and ask if there was anything else i could do to feel happy instead of just not suicidal she prescribed two other meds so now i take they worked now im not just not suicidal im consistently happy its something i havent felt in years every time i feel that joy a tear or roll down my cheek because i spent the last years miserable when mo of prescriptions would have changed that im crying now typing this out now when i face challenges i want to figure out a way to overcome them instead of figuring out the most painless clean way to die i can genuinely smile again i want to keep the commitments i made to my friends its honestly kind of bewildering im a little scared of happiness after these years but it feels so good the people around me seem more friendly because im more friendly i thought it was just a bad day all this time when it was literally a chemical problem it wasnt my fault it wasnt some kind of moral failure the meds worked they fixed the chemical problem i dont have a message here except maybe try meds amp therapy if youre hesitant im not trying to be preachy im just overwhelmed please hang in there guys you are worth it you deserve it ,post,female
depression,2020-03-14,struggling student grief and now i cant the help i need because my university health counseling center is closed hi all so in case you couldnt tell im struggling a lot f so this semester has been rough im failing and doing poorly in my classes which i normally dont do im incredibly upset and disappointed in myself because im set to graduate in the fall and im worried that i wont be able to i just dont want to be a disappointment while im doing better today ive had a rough time grieving the loss of a prominent figure in my life to suicide its made me quite sad and i cant seem to stop thinking about it i went to my universitys nursing center and we had an appointment scheduled today to discuss medication options and counseling options for severe depression anxiety symptoms our campus closed due to the virus pandemic so i cant get the help i need im too worried to seek help when i get home my mom has typically tried to keep me from medicine for mental health because she thinks i dont need it im just really struggling and the thought of having to go home and pretend like im doing great in school and emotionally is so stressful i also plan on staying with my fianc this upcoming week im so ready to see him but i also dont want to be a downer the whole time im with him i guess everything in the world is just overwhelming im also a music major and my senior voice recital that was scheduled for tuesday was cancelled in addition to my other choir performances and music fraternity events and its been quite a shock to my system i hate that my mental state has made me struggle to enjoy making music and now im sad to know that i may not get to perform with my ensembles for the rest of the semester and im not sure if ill be able to have a recital my birthday is tuesday too and i feel like i wont even be able to enjoy it im sorry if this was a lot or if it seems like im being negative over small things thank you for reading if youve made it this far ,post,female
depression,2020-03-15,i f am a crying babbling mess life does not seem to be getting any better this time last year my f life was so different although i was lbs heavier than i am now amp really anxious about my job i was doing well there in my career made good money was headed on vacation to the beach in a couple of weeks and started hanging out with someone who i thought liked me fast forward to now i was fired from that job then i got another job which i was laid off from in december because they got rid of my whole department still looking for work still have never had a serious relationship or someone that just wanted to be with me and wasnt shy about it and had no ulterior motives and i am beyond sad and cry every day im crying writing this i want to feel better to stop comparing my life to others and not constantly hate myself and feel so fucking lonely that i go on apps to talk to people just to make the day go by but i cant it frustrates me and i feel so dumb dating it has been so awful for me i know that having a partner wont bring me the happiness i need on my own i need to focus on myself my time will come but i hate hate hate hearing that shit i have been focusing on myself for the last  years and i think there is nothing wrong with wanting to date and have a partner to share my life with and i also hate when someone says but youre so pretty smart and kind and alluring youll find someone you dont know that  i have been noticeably different towards my friends i decided to open up to one of them and now that i have i really wish i had just gone with the im fine response she is trying to help and i know that i am difficult to even have a conversation with right now she said if i needed distance then she would give it but it feels selfish to do that so i continue to say its fine to continue talking but it hurts to hear about hers or the other people in my life increase in pay at her job her new guy she is seeing how her life is going so well when mine is utter and complete shit and all i can do is compare and it leads to more crying she says she wants to help me get out of the funk im in and that i have every right to feel how i feel but i need to be more positive i love her and thank her for want to help but i hate hearing that which then leads me back to thinking maybe i should just distance myself weve argued a bit lately and i know its because of me ive become too attached we talk throughout the day every day amp i get more anxious when i dont hear from her i tried being vulnerable this afternoon and i still havent heard from her but i am resisting sending another text i absolutely hate how much things like this i s affect my happiness i wish i wasnt such a shit person and friend people always suggest gym and eating better as ways to cope well the thing is is that i already go to the gym times a week sometimes daily there around min to hours during that time is the only time i am confident happy and determined in myself i feel strong capable and on top of the world but as soon as i leave its back to shit but if i did not have the gym i do not know how even darker and more depressed i would feel also i live at home with my parents and sister right now i havent eaten more than one small meal a day really in the past days ive been able to hide it from them not that i am trying to starve myself but when i get really sad nowadays it i think i disappoint my friend or my family i dont eat due to not working and not really having money i dont go anywhere which leads to minimal social interaction i did not realize that it would affect me so much but it really has on the off chance i talk to someone at the gym that makes my week because that is usually the only interaction i get i go to my favorite local bar every so often and it helps just to be somewhere different but i feel guilty spending a little money on two drinks and to socialize i do the the things that they say most people who are depressed usually dont do i clean make meals for myself shower daily go to the gym so then i think to myself maybe im not depressed maybe im making this up and it isnt legitimate and job ive applied but honestly i have been hesitant to apply to a lot of jobs because i just dont feel smart enough or capable enough at all i have colleagues in my field who say i am young smart and capable but it doesnt feel that way given my recent job history how are you my honest answer for the last  months i am tired i am lonely and im stupid and i hate myself ,post,female
depression,2020-03-16,birthdays suck f here been suffering with depression for almost two years now ive noticed that over the past few years when my birthday comes around i feel quite down and not at all like a celebration if it were up to me i probably wouldnt celebrate at all but my parents are very big on the family topic and they always want to gather for such things i dont want to be forced to sit at a table with some family making awkward small talk and having them take pictures of me holding the stupid cake how do i tell my family that id rather be alone on my birthday because its making me sad rather than the other way around ,post,female
depression,2020-03-16,getting sick of trying excuse the shitty grammer i dont care enough to try harder m f diagnosed anxiety social anxiety major depressive disorder the shabang cant afford a counsellor and the public service is useless been through psychiatrists recently i seem to be having more bad days than good i think its the anxiety that triggers the depression had to quit my job late last year cause of the anxiety cant seem to force myself to get another one dont want to see no point in it i used to self harm thoughts have come back to do it again but im pushing against them dont see a point in living im not working i failed college im a waste of space a useless year old living with my parents who are starting to get real tired of my constant state of shit mental health boyfriend is great and supportive him and my family are the only things making me not want to end everything theyre the only reason i havent and the only reason im not going to wish i could change that there should be more reasons i dont want to die really bad tonight its am took medication to calm me down typing this waiting for it to work ,post,female
depression,2020-03-16,what am i doing quick note i made this throwaway to write this thats why i dont have any karma there are also many mentions of self harm in here i dont know what im doing anymore im f and ive been happy my whole life my parents are great people i love my brother with all my heart i have amazing friends who support me every day yet somehow for some reason completely beyond me i feel so alone yes i have my friends outside of my school but i look around and see all these people at school who seem to know and want to talk to everyone but me i go to school for hours every day and its hours of hell out of days a week i want people to talk to me i wish people would just notice me for once every morning i have no motivation to wake up and get through the day its made me stop doing my schoolwork among other things a few weeks ago i thought about cutting myself i dont know why but it seemed like such a good idea at the time i just thought it would fix everything so i tried i took a pair of scissors to my wrist they werent sharp enough so the feeling went away i told my friend she didnt know how to react i told my mom she freaked out and told my dad he freaked out and told my brother they all freaked out and told my therapist therapy has been helping but i still get so many urges to cut it started off as a suggestion my brain was making but now it feels like i have to i have to cut my pain away it feels like the only way to stop the emotional pain im feeling is to cut it out my brain keeps telling me i have to i have to cut i have to cut my pain away i have some friends on speed dial who are always happy to help when i freak out like that but the urges get stronger every time the last time i tried was with an earring and for some reason my brain was telling me it was a terrible idea to call my friend that i would just be a burden to them thankfully i resisted the urge its gotten to the point where every time i touch anything remotely sharp i can only think about cutting i dont have anything sharp in my room my parents insist on cutting my food for me someone anyone please tell me what the hell am i doing and how do i stop i so badly want to but i just cant this temptation scares me yet it seems like its my only option im so terrified its gonna get so bad that ill start cutting for real and then one day ill cut my entire life away ,post,female
depression,2020-03-18,depression is hurting my ability to love for the past few weeks i m been feeling guilty sad around my girlfriend f she is the most amazing funny compassionate and loving woman ive ever had in my life and i love her so much but recently ive gotten thoughts in my head that im not good enough for her and that she deserves better and i feel like i have to let her go just days ago we went out to a party and everything was good we held hands kissed joked and laughed like we normally do the constant reassurance love support and affection she gives me in light of my feelings makes me feel even more guilty even though i shouldnt i appreciate her so much for what she does for me but i hate myself for not being able to love her the way she deserves to be loved it breaks my heart that i cant always return the love to her that she shows me she has her own problems in her life that far outweigh mine and yet shes strong enough to put on a brave face for me and support me through my down times i dont know why i cant be strong for her the way she is for me i dont know what to do anymore reddit please help ,post,female
depression,2020-03-18,im m suffering from my wifes f depression the title sounds more selfish than i mean it but some part of it is selfishness i suppose my wife is extremely depressed and borderline suicidal since a miscarriage a couple years ago she has lost her best friend painfully watched many other friends get pregnant lost her job and recent tests confirm lost many hormones as well low estrogen im not sure how long its been hormonal but i know our situation is dire im currently a grad school student contributing nothing to this family but debt its too intense of a program to have an actual job but i do work on a small contract type basis my wife does not have a degree and since losing her job business closed has done everything to find another job worth more than minimum wage without luck shes an amazing worker but theres just nothing even available here she feels worthless and like she cannot contribute to society or anyone else we also had to move in with her parents to afford things right now so we are in a bad spot with everything with this new virus who knows when she will be able to find good fulfilling work in short she feels like shes with nothing to show for it and nothing at all what she planned losing our baby we have no idea when things or how they will change we cant afford therapy and even when im done with school next may we will have so many bills to settle before feeling like we can try for a family again i feel like i caused all of this going to grad school i wish i could stop or go back in time but that im too deep to quit now with student loans and what i will make once im out compared to quitting theres absolutely no solution for my wife now youre caught up i try everything i can to make her feel better but im just watching her slip deeper and deeper into depression away from family and friends who dont care enough away from myself who cares but causes some of it in her mind and hearing her talk about suicide makes me want to kill myself it hurts so much to hear i have no idea what to do how do i address having nothing at any positive spin i try to put on her makes her upset or feel invalidated but not doing so just lets me agree and suffer with her im so defeated from being helpless to make my wife happier when thats all i want in the world anymore ,post,female
depression,2020-03-19,quitting my cymbalta duloxetine cold turkey brain zap edition i f have been on cymbalta for a year and half or so i moved states so ive been using mdlive for behavioral health related things my account was flagged and the people who can undo it wont be in contact with me until friday at the earliest ive been out of cymbalta for five days now i was taking mg every day i dont want to be on this medication anymore and have been trying to get a doctor to take me off of it for months now and for a slew of reasons unrelated to my health it hasnt happened obviously quitting a mental health med cold turkey is super hecking stupid but the er is full of corona patients so i cant even ask them for a temporary refill if i could afford to go the the er at all lmao how much longer am i going to have these brain zaps obv im going to take a small amount of cymbalta on monday so that i can finally taper but am i going to feel these brain zaps every minute until then tl dr how long do you have to not be taking cymbalta until the brain zaps mostly go away,post,female
depression,2020-03-19,i feel empty i dont know what to do i feel extremely empty inside lonely depressed anxious overwhelmed everything but still empty im a f i got broken up with a month ago now it was my first breakup he was my first everything i was so happy it feels like my insides are being ripped apart i was depressed and all before the relationship so these feelings arent anything new but theyre creeping back when they hadnt in a loooooong time and i made realizations that he really wasnt the best boyfriend to me and that i deserve so much better but it still hurts i loved him with all my strength i loved him with everything i had and he broke my heart he didnt cheat or anything he just broke it off saying he didnt see anything improving and that he couldnt give me what i needed in the past month life has been chaos the breakup being stressed with college and preparing for grad school and now this coronavirus my college went online for the rest of the semester which means college from home my home environment isnt good its extremely toxic my mom is a narcissist and abuses mentally and verbally im already not doing well im also out of a job since my job was on campus at college and some summer internships are cancelling their programs due to the virus i dont know what to do i feel so lonely my heart still aches the world is falling apart i feel horrible and suicidal a lot ,post,female
depression,2020-03-19,a friend that needs help im going to keep this short i have a friend who is f and she i displaying a lot of depressive tendencies she cries often i have seen her attempt to self harm before and she has said she has little will to live i recently was diagnosed and treated for depression and i want to get her the same help i was able too because i am feeling significantly better than before unfortunately her parents arent supportive and dont really see depression as a true issue she has discussed it with them before and received little to no support what should i do to help her get the treatment she needs edit i should also add she has begun to self medicate with alcohol and marijuana making her feel numb ,post,female
depression,2020-03-20,i dont know whats wrong with me ive been depressed but this feels different somehow hello im sorry in advance for posting this you guys probably get a lot of similar posts english is not my first language so apologies for any mistakes as well i f suffered from depression a few years ago when i was in my second year of university it turned out that living alone was very hard for me i isolated myself and didnt take care of myself i was obsessed with losing weight as some sort of self medicating eventually i ended up in a eating disorder ward but got fired one year later because they did not know what was wrong with me and why therapy did not help i went to a different psychiatrist in my hometown who was not specialized in eating disorders and got back on my feet again she told me i had been depressed and we hoped that would have been the end of it i ended up coming back one year later with more or less the same issues after a few month i began to have random panic attacks i would feel completely normal one second and then totally in panic the next my psychiatrist told me i was probably depressed due to an anxiety panic disorder i got the right medication and left theraphy without much explanation as my therapist had to go on materniy leave signing up for a different therapists would take months after months of feeling so much better because of the medication it is now slowly returning most of the time i feel perfectly okay but then this sudden feeling of sadness and hopelessness creeps up on me so fast that my heart rate increases and i sometimes and up in a panic attack at such a moment i feel like im drowing i scream and cry push people away that want to help me literally and feel like i should run for my dear life but there is nothing there once i get out of it all the negative feelings go away and i feel like i normally do there is nothing that triggers this i have no idea why this happens why im sometimes so suddenly so sad with so much feelings of hopelessness tldr when i was depressed i felt like i was in a dark hole all the time and that i had nothing worthwhile in my life a future but these moodswings are so different from that depression i used to have what is wrong with me ,post,female
depression,2020-03-20,i want to power down hello all im a f from the midwestern usa ive been through a lot of trauma in my life and ultimately started going to therapy regularly at ever since then ive been diagnosed w depression sad gad ptsd among other things lately i wake up and as soon as i wake up i wish i could press a power down button that would shut me off for days on end sometimes even weeks i dont know what this means i dont know what i should do about it usually ill wake up excited to talk to my boyfriend m but he never seems to feel the same and then i go into this numb feeling does anyone else experience this ,post,female
depression,2020-03-21,i want my mom to stop ignoring me my f mom constantly ignores me when i speak to her and she tells me its because shes working when i only walk in on her playing games on her computer today i said something to her she didnt respond as usual and i asked her if she was working and she said no i know it seems stupid and silly but i cant ever actually talk to her or have a real conversation with her because at some point of us talking shes just going to stop responding and refuse to acknowledge im there a while ago when i was very depressed i was trying to tell her about my day at school and she once again refused to acknowledge me and i ended up relapsing again if i even brought it up to her shed tell me to stop overreacting like she told me a few years ago when she saw my wrists after relapsing the way she treats me is very painful and i have even considered suicide because i picked up some pieces of her personality and because i look like her i dont know what to do anymore i have brought her up to my therapist multiple times but i cant go to her anymore because of money problems i cannot bring up my problems to my mom because she will only chalk it up to me not being on my medication when that is absolutely not the case that is not only it she constantly undercuts my achievements and comments negatively on my appearance when she does talk to me its about my schoolwork she has drained my completely emotionally and for years i have only made it through school from fear of her being disappointed there is much more i dont know what to do anymore ,post,female
depression,2020-03-22,my sister is quite depressed and i dont know how to help hey m here my sister f is suffering from severe depression she does see a therapist but i dont know how helpful that is she took up science in school and stuck with it till post grad and became a biomed science graduate what she tells me is that she sucked at it and the pay was shit so eventually she couldnt take it anymore and left her job its been months now and shes been sitting at home her passion lies in music and honestly shes pretty fucking good at it but considering shes now and out of job i get worried seeing that shes just lost the will to do anything at all ive asked her if she can upload some stuff on streaming services like youtube and soundcloud and see if she finds success there but she just wont do it i dont earn but i supported her through her last few months of her job so that she could save enough money for herself and have some financial independence once she quit but since then she just stays at home i wouldnt call her lazy but i think her confidence and self belief have taken a hit i dont believe she should stick around and hustle in a field shes not interested in just to have some form of income but i also know that staying at home isnt gonna help in any way what should i do im not from a well off family so my father cant support her once he stops earning im in med school so ill be earning soon but that aint gonna be enough either i dont like to bring this up and make her feel like im pressuring her to do something its just that i dont know how i can help her get her life back on track tl dr my sisters depressed and im not sure how i can help ,post,female
depression,2020-03-22,a tendency to do the wrong things for as long as i can remember i have had a destructive tendency knowing that the decisions im making hurt me and others but still going through with them im f im married and have a loving family around me my mom had a drinking problem growing up and although it wasnt as intense as some others stories on reddit her actions still impact my life and life choices big time ill go through periods of time where i am on top of the world so to speak just nailing it on everything being an awesome wife friend daughter and person all together and then ill get stuck in this depression faze where i hurt those around me whether with my words or my actions i isolate myself i make poor poor decisions and then fall into an even deeper depression regretting everything this has been happening for years and ive gone to all different types of therapy and taken meds and what have you but im realizing that its just going to be something im always going to struggle with and have to work on im posting really to just talk to others who go through similar troubles i find a lot of comfort from redditors and am grateful for the feedback i usually get stay safe everyone ,post,female
depression,2020-03-23, f and no friends im not really sure how to even go about this im years old and almost completely friendless i have looked back on my life the past few months because this has honestly been the loneliest year i have ever had in my life the only people i truly have in my life are my mom and dogs i know its sad and kind of pathetic but ive come to the realization that its true i had a tone of friends in high school and after high school ive truly never had a hard time meeting people or making new friends up until this point i have a few acquaintances and a best friend of mine my relationship has recently changed im just looking back on my entire life and keep asking myself did i do something wrong i know i can be bitchy sometimes but im also the person who is the life of the party a lot of my life i have secretly dealt with depression and always compared myself to others which has been a huge downfall for me i see everyone on instagram and see how everyone is out either getting a drink with friends or just going for a walk i walk my dogs by myself and that is my socialization for the day i think what scares me the most about being alone is that i depend on my mom so much she is my only true friend honestly and she currently has cancer so all of this is making this x harder for me is because all i keep thinking is that something might happen to her i think why i even wrote this is to know that im not the only person who had been threw this before and any advice someone can give me to help maybe make new friends or ideas to not feel so alone i cry everyday and i want to start being happy again ,post,female
depression,2020-03-25, academic your opinion and thoughts about depression hello im the first year neurobiophysics student im working on my presentation is the world more depressed and one of the main aspects of presentation is survey so i need your opinion please answer a couple of questions link below https docs google com forms d e faipqlsevf hstarsqzr nxmy e w ukeke jwyfzmccukc yg viewform https docs google com forms d e faipqlsevf hstarsqzr nxmy e w ukeke jwyfzmccukc yg viewform ,post,female
depression,2020-03-25,first day on fluoxetine mg today i start my journey with antidepressants im f and have never tried antidepressants does anyone have any experiences positive or negative whilst taking this medication thanks in advance ,post,female
depression,2020-03-25,can having depression be traumatizing i f have struggled with depression my whole life well since yo and am currently coming out of my worst major episode to date its taken more than years to pull myself out of the severe category im still classified as moderate but im definitely on the up thing is the last period has instilled in me a significant fear of relapse the last years were so painful i felt like i was torturing myself everyday i felt like i was on the precipice of total madness simply from being so trapped in my own painful mind existence my so is asking me to make some major life decisions that i know would be potential triggers for a depressive relapse and the thought terrifies me i feel like this last episode fundamentally changed me and i will never be the same again never view the world or myself the same way and never feel anything close to unencumbered joy or happiness again it feels like a violent near death experience which it very nearly was on more than one occasion that has left me afraid and well traumatized is that even possible ,post,female
depression,2020-03-25,male depression test https docs google com forms d e faipqlsd mshozqrbwbymur veha zmrd pi yozlcpq tmec td a viewform https docs google com forms d e faipqlsd mshozqrbwbymur veha zmrd pi yozlcpq tmec td a viewform hi all im currently working on my project research i will be appreciated if you guys could take only min to fill out this form this is only for men over thaaaaaaaaanks lol ,post,female
depression,2020-03-26,how can i depressed f help my husband not depressed m with my depression hi everyone as you can read from the title im seeking help on how to help my husband with my depression a bit of backstory ive struggled with mild moderate depression and some anxiety since i was and i have somewhat unhealthy ways of coping with it but im still here so they work i guess before my husband ive never had any true long term relationships but you can probably tell that from my age haha i consider myself extremely lucky to have found my soulmate and thats why im writing this post before my husband i usually dealt with my spirals breakdowns and panic attacks alone in my room isolated from the world like i said the mechanisms are somewhat unhealthy but its because i dont want to subject anyone to the toxicity i carry during my lows i dont want to go into more details just in case they might be triggering now that im with him its really hard to go through the same mechanisms i would spiral and it would bubble underneath me for hours and i would be absolutely destroyed by my own brain and my husband would be there to pick up the pieces hes always been there for me during these times i love and care about him so much so it physically and mentally hurt me so much more when im going through my lows i learned that i have a terrible tendency to push him away using excuses each more intricate than the last i started to get these strong urges and impulses to hurt myself or behave violently when things dont feel resolved and thats a huge part of my fear that ill end up dead this hurts him as much as it hurts me and im afraid of what might happen one day if i dont learn how to help him help me what should i do to help my husband with my depression tl dr i f want to help my husband m better ways to cope with and handle my depression ,post,female
depression,2020-03-26,questioning the beginning of intelligence a free book for the masses i am not here for any commercial motive the books pdf is free and i envision a movement called qtbimovement which with its momentum can bring a revolution in the life of the common man i post it here in the depression community because we all deserve to get out of the mind emotion delusions the we have drown ourselves into and allocated tremendous amounts of energy and thought but where there is no escape except cycles of misery we share a new perspective here and i encourage you to explore the ideas in the book while people are mostly concerned about solutions to depression we here together question the very existence of depression is it perceived invented or natural and then what is natural anyway natural is cultural programming we are conditioned to imposition of a concept to sensory inputs for e g daily experiences                          i am abhinandan bhatia author of the book questioning the beginning of intelligence how we fell down how to get up totally free is the books digital version pdf download https www dropbox com s pgc yd wzfiwxr qtbi movement  a book for the masses pdf dl  download of pdf is available at dropbox via this link during this outbreak period people are online at historic rates by luck this happens to be most apt time for qtbi movement to reach the masses a movement to spread the message of questioning of raising dissent against mainstream acceptance consumerist society our social programming cultural conditioning and education system i would not take much time here dear reader the whole movement depends on you i believe that nothing will match the momentum of the internet once people start getting acquainted with the movement and themselves take the initiatives to lead it my only message is to forget the messenger pick up the message it is my humble request to the community to spread the word and the book i encourage the community to read the book very carefully circulate the pdf throughout the internet and create awareness of the qtbimovement we will together lead the wave of questioning for questioning is the beginning of intelligence hats off to you all comments and discussions are welcome abhinandan bhatia author,post,female
depression,2020-03-27,my family is falling apart during quarantine my familys relationship has always been rocky but generally we just back off and calm down ever since quarantine started we have all been fighting and picking on each other non stop and its miserable my dad keeps leaving at night to go do his own thing which he has been doing for years and no body knows what his own thing is i m am constantly fighting with my extremely annoying sister f which my parents are yelling at us for all while my parents are also yelling at each other because my dad is never around but is around more than usual on quarantine and never does anything for the family and my mom hates him for it what do i do i am having a terrible time and i just want this whole thing to be over i am about ready to tell my dad to get the fuck out of our house because he is pissing me off more than normal as well ,post,female
depression,2020-03-27,a spotify playlist music is very important in my life so i thought id share my spotify playlist containing some song i listen to while dealing with anxiety and depression maybe itll help you too its about song in total fun fact the cover photo was taken by me in my small room in my flat in poland spotify https open spotify com user agencinac gr qt y dtx w playlist fiwyatjauut tdgpve q si aj edztlecvv t snhwq ,post,female
depression,2020-03-27,evaluate my message to my depressed bf my f long distance bf m has been very withdrawn recently im aware he has been dealing with his mental health for a long while but within the year and a half weve been dating this is the very first time im experiencing his depressive episodes to this extent this has been going on since mid january when his feelings of self doubt and worthlessness became especially prevalent to me he has opened up to me about how he feels and he has explained his thought process to me since then until now he can often go multiple days without responding back to me because of stress or lack of energy or just general apathy which i understand however im guilty of becoming anxious and constantly wondering if i play a part in his sadness though he has reassured me i dont im trying my best to steer away from that mentality he hasnt responded in days so i was planning to send him a handwritten message thought itll be scanned and sent as an image please let me know if theres anything else i can add to further emphasise the support and love i have for him and if what im saying is helpful and reassuring at all     im sorry i cant do more for you my love and im sorry if i may get upset at times but please dont interpret it as you not being good enough youre more than enough for me you always have been it hurts to know that you may be struggling so much more than im aware of and that i cant comfort you in ways other than words i know it may not feel like it but i believe you have the strength in you to hold yourself above this im praying for you everyday and im trying my best to understand you in the most helpful way possible i apologise if ive ever overwhelmed you made you feel guilty or made you feel like a burden i value you youre important to me and i care so much about you theres nothing i want more than for you to not have to endure so much pain anymore please take care of yourself in the meantime and stay safe take your time and dont force yourself ill always be here whenever you need me to be whenever youre ready ive never stopped being proud of you and proud to have you youre my blessing please dont forget that i love you with everything that i have my darling     thank you i really would appreciate your feedback ,post,female
depression,2020-03-27,hello fellow depressed poses hi im f ive been suffering with depression since i was i had abuse neglect in my childhood im struggling to find reasons to continue on nothing is great in my life i go to a shitty college where im just barely getting by i have absolutely no friends i dont have a job and have never had an internship im such a loser i cant even post on instagram or facebook because i dont want anyone to look at me or see what i have to say i have no hobbies or skills im not particularly attractive or intelligent and im not good at anything that ive tried im in a almost year relationship but im u happy hes much older than me and he abuses me but i wont leave because i know no one else would ever love me or put up with all of my issues basically im worthless and a waste of space im not special in any regard and i wont accomplish anything in my life its hard for me to accept this ,post,female
depression,2020-03-28,i feel like my friend doesnt want to talk to me anymore this is a really dumb and silly immature post my apologies im f and just cant seem to get my friend out of my mind i have a close guy friend lets call him h that said he wanted to focus and study more he told me he would be spending less time online and on social media it was cool with me at first after months of not hearing from him i inquired to a mutual friend of ours asking if he spoke to h recently apparently h has been active on other social media platforms such as instagram and has been posting communicating to others actively i dont have instagram so i wasnt aware i decided to reach out to him so i sent him a message but never got a response back i cant help but to find this so weird if he wanted a break to study and focus on his college work but hes constantly on instagram and posting photos it seems incredibly odd to me i feel like he just got tired of me and found me annoying to talk to but he couldnt straight up tell me so he just made an excuse to take a break and avoid me i cant help but to feel so left out in the dark i wish i knew what was going on with him exactly i feel like im overreacting and there might be another reason but it seems so fucking weird to me i feel like every friend i have eventually gets sick of me ,post,female
depression,2020-03-28,caught in a trap im not an english native sorry for grammatical errors i f have been depressed since i was maybe years old ive always been shy and was bullied a lot growing up ive recently been dragging myself through my masters degree now when ive arrived at my master thesis work i feel like i cant anymore i feel like ive hit a wall i cant even answer emails or pick up the phone ive never had anyone i can talk to in depth about my depression or social anxiety i have a few friends but most arent the kind i can come to with my worst problems they have their own lives or dont reply consistently i have a close friend but sadly shes not empathetic she doesnt understand most emotions including depression shes called me weak for being too sympathetic i live with my parents but they on the other hand cant handle strong negative emotions one starts screaming while the other cries while theyre decent and nice people i understood early on that i couldnt confide in them it makes me sad that i still have to pretend to them like i havent been crying i too have trouble taking my depression seriously when im out and about with people i can feel like im mostly fine i love to joke around and make people laugh in those moments i feel a bit silly for thinking that im sick but its become worse recently even when im with friends im losing the ability to experience pleasure i forget what things i like or where i want to go i keep slipping into a dark hole i think i could use someone who could relate to how i feel and show some kindness but i just feel like there isnt anyone theres never been i just feel judged shamed like a burden or like a big child people are impatient or irritated except for short moments of people telling me theyve also been depressed the occasional you got this or be strong there isnt anyone i dont feel like i got this and i dont think i can be strong anymore ive wanted to go to therapy even though the thought scares me to just talk to someone anyone but people tell me it doesnt work and im afraid of feeling worse if they turn out to be right but i dont know how much longer i can go on like this i dont want to feel like this anymore i dont want to be dead or a burden i just want to function ,post,female
depression,2020-03-29,ive been doing really bad side notes throwaway account f ive struggled with anxiety and depression for a really long time now ive always had a couple suicidal thoughts here and there but nothing too serious until now im going through a really bad time i overall think my meds need to be changed or i need a higher dose i dont have many friends maybe total i always get some and then they leave me because im nothing special right now i really have none i dont hang out with anyone and nobody talks to me in school i have a lot of siblings so im ignored at home i just feel super worthless to make it worse i really like my best friend and i told her but obviously she didnt like me back and so everything is weird and awkward its all my fault and its making things even more bad for me in the past two weeks or so ive been having serious thoughts of harming myself or suicide and its really scaring me because i cant stop it i just dont have a place here im truly worthless and i know im young but after dealing with this for so many years already i just want to give up my family is usually really supportive and there for me but i really dont wanna tell them because everyone is super stressed over the virus and i dont wanna be more trouble i just sit in my room waiting for the feeling to go away and it doesnt i still feel numbness i dont know whats wrong with me and i dont know what to do ,post,female
depression,2020-03-29,i feel useless hi guys i f feel like an embarrassment honestly so angry at myself and my choices i recently graduated from college a degree i cant even use i came in with a full tuition scholarship and a music scholarship and i wasted it because i realized too late what i wanted to do so wasted a great financial opportunity most people wished they had racked up  debt for a useless piece of paper im going back to a community college to try my hand at other things but im worried i wont succeed i work and pay my rent and bills but im reliant on my parents for financial help sometimes that makes me feel more depressed people my age have it all figured out they have careers homes and im stuck i feel like a failure a drain on my family i feel like im going nowhere i miss my therapist but im too poor to see her i need medication to help beyond just lexapro but again too poor to see a psychiatrist my parents say theyre proud of me but i feel like thats a lie they constantly question me and my choices dont blame them am i the only one like this am i the only one who has just become a financial drain on others i feel sick so depressed so useless ,post,female
depression,2020-03-30,back home because of covid i f have noticed clear signs of depression in my ageing immigrant father m and its breaking my heart for not knowing how to help my father immigrated to canada back in the s got lucky with a k figure salary his charm and active social life he was a happy clam with my mother this all changed slowly when he quit drinking and lost the social group he nurtured since his s he also lost his job in the crash and has since needed to resort to cab and truck driving because he never completed high school and no longer was the breadwinner at home as my mother surpassed his income in a clerical finance role as an adult he also cannot fill his afternoons or days with helping me or anyone in our family as all siblings are self sufficient during this strange virus i have moved home to be with my family having formerly lived time zones away while the entire family siblings and mother resort to our rooms to work during the office hours of our respected jobs pst est mst we limit our social time to lunch and dinner after logging off from the day my father however has been out of work the cab business is slow and that resorts to him being at home without former hobbies or interests he often spends unhealthy hours watching videos in english that he often does not understand he has fortunately found interest in recipes and daring to cook but it is all time spent alone he does not seem to have friends he can socialize with and will often walk or nap throughout the day curled up in a ball on the couch or bed if he hears footsteps hell sit up or ask if he can help with anything i dont know how to help my father who appears to lost all zest for life he is not needed and does not know how to spend his days if not working he also grew up in a different generation where i imagine it hurts to not be the provider of the family and instead has become the house dad to no children i love my father dearly and while i understand his situation may be unique i just dont know how to help im sorry if i didnt provide the correct details here and i do appreciate any advice on how to strengthen my relationship with him or him with others tldr immigrant father is visibly depressed and i am now noticing clear signs while at home b c of covid unsure how to navigate this situation as he is very reserved and is attempting to fake being okay when others are around ,post,female
depression,2020-03-31,i think my life is falling apart i hope youre having a good night my f mental health is out of control to the point where i cant even get out of bed to do class work or basic chores and i dont think im on a good antidepressant zoloft because i feel better when im off it versus when im on it im a college sophomore but im privileged enough to come from a family that pays tuition for me but this semester ive essentially just failed all my classes and set myself a semester or two behind and they dont even know yet on top of that i really just want to take a semester off and or swap majors but since my parents are in control im afraid to go up to them about it especially since my father has a history of getting extremely angry when he gets stressed out at the same time i still can barely operate on the day to day i moved into my own apartment a month ago and have yet to unpack any boxes i missed my last appointment with my counselor but theyre also a school counselor and they told me to stay with the school for the rest of the semester before finding my own licensed therapist in the community i feel anxious just to ask them to swap my medication my mental health on top of the coronavirus social distancing has also made it extremely difficult to make friends im a not so charismatic extrovert so i get so bored and unmotivated when not surrounded by people and friends irl but its hard to find people and for good reason bc of the virus and even when reaching out to people online or before the virus stuff my mental health just makes it impossible to put effort into anything its awful and i know im going downhill but it feels like im not in control and cant do anything ive been high for the majority of this year so far and im pretty sure i developed a habit out of smoking weed too i have like no schedule or motivation capability to do any work and i dont know how to fix myself or my surroundings without being overwhelmed its been building up and ive been getting some pretty toxic thoughts lately and its kind of getting worrying thank you for reading sorry for rambling and being all over the place i just really really needed to type this out somewhere ,post,female
depression,2020-03-31,im a useless waste of space throwaway side piece f i still live at home have no license and work a minimum wage part time job im working on the license and have applied at countless potential employers but to no avail my mom hasnt spoken a single word to me in several months now i spend my days sleeping anywhere but my own bed with anyone who wants me doing whatever drugs im offered im such a fuck up staring to think i shouldve gone to college or something ive battled depression for so long and struggled with low self worth this coronavirus has me thinking about how this isnt a bad time to off myself because there most likely wouldnt be a funeral i dont know if im asking for advice its more so that i dont want to burden anyone in my life with my issues ,post,female
depression,2020-04-01,i feel like im falling apart again this time last year i had a full blown mental breakdown my ex ghosted me and i had a falling out with my best friend i wanted to drop out of school and quit my job i was having immense social issues at work and i was having suicidal thoughts again i f decided to start therapy in february of last year i started seeing a counselor and psychiatrist at my university and i tried to be more active during my classes it was the first time in many many years that i had sought professional help or tried to connect with my peers more recently i moved out of the shitty apartment that my ex and i shared and i finally left the retail job that made me super unhappy i felt great i was making monumental changes i was prepared to finish out the semester and walk during my graduation next month in a matter of weeks i have lost my new job my school has converted all on campus classes to canvas and ive been confined to my apartment  i cannot see my peers i no longer have co workers to speak to and i cant attend counseling or utilize any other service that ive been using to better myself this morning i checked my e mail and found that i am no longer under consideration for the customer service job i applied to since being laid off i wasnt looking forward to the job but emotionally it was a monumental letdown most people in my life that i would hesitate to call my friends told me that this particular job at this particular company is unpleasant but they all emphasized that it is easy to get they made me feel like any simpleton could get a job at this company and now i feel like even more of a failure im incredibly overwhelmed i have also learned recently that my commencement for graduation might be canceled at the moment they have postponed it until august the only people trying to keep in contact with me during the pandemic are my mom and my ndad im trying to file for unemployment and it is honestly one of the most emotionally draining and arduous things ive ever had to do at the beginning of this year i felt like i had come so far like i had completely turned my life around not i back to square one and im having suicidal thoughts again i dont know what to do and i have no motivation anymore i feel like i cant have anything good i can try but everything will fall apart again ive been through awful things in my life particularly my childhood and i really felt like things would be different this year ,post,female
depression,2020-04-01,im emotionally scarred from a past friendship crush how do i get over this f so back when i was years old i had a crush on one of my counselors lets call him dan i admired him a lot he played the same video games as me and he grew up in the same area as me when i turned i became a junior counselor along with him the junior counselors were no different than the senior counselors i still had a bit of a crush on him but i focused on being friends with him along with the other counselors we were pretty good friends for a few years i went on a trip to wisconsin with him to meet another one of our counselor friends he came over to my house for a weekend and we toured the city and went to a parade i made him gifts that i thought were friendly but it might have been my subconscious secretly wanting him to like me back so it comes around that i need to pick somewhere to go to college he suggested that i apply to his alma mater i dismissed him at first and told him it was too close to home he kept telling me to check it out i eventually listened to him and i actually liked that school more than the others i visited it turns out i was accepted and ended up enrolling i was excited but he kept getting more and more distant i would text him and wouldnt hear back from him for days i asked him about his friends on campus and if i could meet up with them i ended up becoming friends with one of them but not the others i invited him to a lot of campus parties and events no reply i finally asked him why he stopped replying he said he didnt want to be friends with me anymore he went on a tirade saying i was a bad counselor and he didnt like how i became friends with his friends from college he didnt like how i went to the same college as him this came out of nowhere it hit me really hard i didnt know what to do our say i felt like the past year of our friendship was a lie and im still not over it i felt like i constantly annoy people and im incapable of having lasting friendships because they are eventually going to think im a horrible person and theyre going to leave me i fear that its happening again im friends with this guy who i am developing a crush on and i feel like hes going to resent me for being nice to him and hes going to end our friendship because im being clingy i really want to keep his friendship i like him a lot and my stupid romantic feelings are getting in the way i want to tell him i have a crush on him and if he doesnt like me back i just have to deal and if hes okay just being friends how do i get over this trauma i experienced its crippling and it gives me anxiety every time i start a new friendship or relationship tl dr i have trauma from a previous crush who turned into a friend he rejected me and said horrible things how do i get over the trauma of him doing this to me while making new friends having new relationships ,post,female
depression,2020-04-02,i f need advice on how to help my boyfriend m get through his depression i myself am a sufferer of mental health issues though i feel as though i cope as best i can i remind myself of how lucky i am whilst also not dismissing how i feel i take necessary days off to in the long term aid my mental health i have routines and resources to look forward to i also have outlets to vent to in times of despair ive dealt with depression long enough to over come it for the most part whilst still suffering my brother attempted suicide when i was and from that point onwards it was the beginning of my mental health issues though going through that i know suicide is an option i will never consider whilst even feeling suicidal the lasting damage is too painful on those you love and ive learned how precious life is through this in conclusion ive come to terms with my depression being apart of me and ive tried my best to adapt im glad im growing up in a period of time where mental health for the most part is normalised if not i dont think i would cope as well as i do though my boyfriend on the other hand struggles to see the light and struggles to get through the day with his underlying depressive thoughts these depressive thoughts have become darker he doesnt put the pressure of suicide on our relationship though he has made it clear he has suicidal thoughts and finds it hard to see past these thoughts with everything going on right now and for him to not have his usual resources of happiness that help him through the day he is getting worse also me not being there in person to comfort him is hurting him a lot i feel myself getting overwhelmed by everything also but im still coping and believe this is temporary and it will all be okay if i didnt think this way i also would be cracking up alike him but he cant seem to take on this it will be okay mindset which is important right now but it would be ignorant of me to get annoyed that he doesnt think this way because thats an element of depression which he has negative thoughts and feelings of despair i have voiced that i think he needs professional help as have his friends he got the courage to openly discuss his mental health to his friends and have they also in return hes aware it isnt fair to put this stress over us by opening up about how he feels regarding his suicidal thoughts though he cant come to terms with getting to the point of talking to his parents that would be the first step in getting towards professional help i cant help put feel overwhelmed when the topic comes up i dont know how to react im not a professional my advice to him is to realise how he currently feels is only temporary and that i myself go through bouts of depression i get out of them im okay for a while i fall back he has never experienced depression up until years ago i have experienced depression for the past years hence my reasoning for my development of coping mechanisms he cant come to terms with why he isnt like his old self why he isnt happy all the time we all have our breaking point i believe when childhood happiness just fades though he often thinks back to when he didnt feel this way but i dont know how to help that with my experiences and relatability to how he feels in ways still doesnt help i never turn things on myself i simply resonate im aware of how annoying it is when your upset and someone ignorantly makes it about them i give advice as to how i deal how i think he should approach things that will help him but i cant help him i dont know how to help him but all i want to do is to help and be there i believe he is only going to get worse as this goes on and i dont know where else to go for advice i myself will probably only worsen too i feel we all will but how do we keep sane in the midst of a pandemic how can i help him keep sane and halt his worsening thoughts im trying my best and advice is really what i need right now ,post,female
depression,2020-04-03,my f bf m of years got caught cheating on me while i am here in the childrens hospital with our yo daughter whos intubated and fighting a viral pneumonia ive been so tired so depressed dealing with different doctors everyday my daughters developmentally delayed with a seizure disorder so it was a little more difficult for her to fight off this common viral pneumonia kids her age tend to get ive been in the hospital since march nd with our daughter who turned on the march st everything was going okay so far her dad was coming over every night after work and being all the great things bc otherwise id be pissed at him for not being here for us weve had this fight one too many times but he stepped it up this time i told him i was so happy and proud that we were doing okay and he was here for us but then covid hit us and suddenly shit got really real for us they kicked out my mom one week and limited to visitors to only mom and dad at bedside a week later dad got kicked out now its only me allowed at bedside its been super rough going through all of this alone to say the least then things really started to get emotionally draining for me her dad started being irresponsible pulling rent money from our savings to buy weed smoking way too much spending long amounts of hours on the game he stopped texting me back i would get upset because i needed him here for me still and wanted to talk to him i dont have anyone to talk to hes supposed to be my person we fought over that for a few days i didnt talk to him for two days his facebook was logged in on his laptop that was left here for me to watch tv on i got curious he was liking this one girls post at in the morning more on that later he also unblocked one of his exes apparently he felt compelled to check up on them and see how theyre doing at am instead of thinking about us and checking to see how were doing over here which really sucked i questioned him i asked him why he unblocked her he just was curious and wanted to see how shes doing apparently the girl who cheated on him with her best friend i questioned him about the other girl the one that he was liking her post he said he had no idea who she was and it just popped up on his timeline we eventually sort of get over our fighting but i wasnt over it honestly i was just tired of fighting tired of having to dumb things down for him and explain why his behavior is inappropriate and why it was hurtful for him to be a certain ways towards me regardless of how irritated he is things seemed kind of steady and okay hes texting me often calling me once hes out of work bringing me food everyday again all the great things telling me how he cant wait for us to be home so he can hold us and his arms all the great things he shouldve been doing all along then i find out that hes been messaging the one girl that he denied knowing through snapchat hes been consistently talking to her he met her through his coworker he lied to me about knowing her he was planning to meet up with her tomorrow to hang out and smoke after telling him all of this and i knew the truth about it all he admitted it to me finally he didnt really seem apologetic didnt apologize kept saying he doesnt know what to say or how to fix it he also said that hes not displaying any sympathy because hes half awake and super sleepy i feel so shitty ive been crying non stop i wanted to stay with him despite all of this to work this out for the sake of our daughter he says he wants us to be a family and wont talk to her anymore but i dont trust him im already going crazy thinking about what hes going to do tomorrow and if hes going to lie to me and still hang out with her its already over hopefully well be getting discharged within the next week or so and i have no idea where were going to go i dont want to go home to our apartment thats not a home anymore my daughter is special needs and i havent been able to work after graduating school because she doesnt qualify for nursing something she needs and theres not a daycare available that can watch her my mom is not willing to help out much as far as daycare goes either i dont know what the heck im going to do but i do know that i cant go back to him after this ,post,female
depression,2020-04-03,cant work i f would say i worked pretty hard o obtain this job i have right now all my friends are working in it and i wanted to feel like i belong so im finally holding an it position the company im working for is a small one so they try to use their resources as much as they can thats why even though i was on a project that wasnt finished ive been also assigned to a new one the new one is in an industry ive never worked in before using some very old technology and ever since its like a nightmare never stopping they expect that i finish the first project while im working full time for the second project its a never ending circle i cant sleep well i cant foccus on the full time project im always tired i have nightmare about work and worst of all its like im reliving my time in college years ago where i was in a pretty bad place causing me to also loose focus and not be able to do anything right i know that i should be happy that i still have a job giving the current situation but really ive never been this unhappy and stressed in my entire life if i sound like a cry baby please just tell me to wake the f up and stop complaining i can take it im also applying for other jobs during this period hoping i could quit the current one i never despised doing something so much ,post,female
depression,2020-04-04,depression morphing into rage lately ive been feeling my depressive thoughts moving further towards an overwhelming sense of frustration lying around doing nothing is now being accompanied by temper tantrums and meltdowns the depression makes me so goddamn mad and then the anger just funnels back into a deeper depression once ive calmed down its weird i never thought of myself as having an anger problem my parents and teachers were always concerned that i never seemed to show enough emotion but now when im outside ive been punching holes in walls breaking things and getting into fights i feel myself getting more exasperated by the day at my depression at this state of being my life everything i can feel it right now let me just type it idashsdfjk ylnv o b v b  k c  j fc mt c l c c goddamit i feel so fcking lost and confused what,post,female
depression,2020-04-04,my conservative christian parents dont believe in depression despite my multiple suicide attempts and self harm so to keep it simple i f grew up in an extremely christian family basically they believe depression is caused by not reading the bible or praying and junk like that in th grade i was being racially bullied and became severely depressed i started cutting myself and in th grade i confessed what i had been doing to myself to my parents which took so much courage i wanted to get help instead they punished me and accused me of doing it for attention it still traumatizes me to this day so that just made it worse i still vividly remember looking up how to kill myself on my iphone while tears streamed down my face i even hid a knife in my pillowcase i was only and i wanted to die this happened from th to th grade luckily we moved somewhere else im now and im not suicidal anymore but i believe im still struggling with depression and severe social anxiety but my parents would never take me to a therapist psychologist what do i do i feel hopeless to get better ,post,female
depression,2020-04-05,why do i feel so lost all the time some background f studying mechanical engineering passed all my exams since the day i started college in a year relationship with a m also engineer but something just doesnt feel right i feel broken as if a part of me was just cut off of me and thrown away and i cant find it back in december i just couldnt stop crying all the time he would come back from work to me crying in despair something just hurt still hurts but less and i dont know what it is amp x b i just feel lost all the time am i doing whats best for me is being an engineer what i really want to purse for the years to come am i just depressed whats my purpose in life i just dont know what to think anymore and it just hurts all the time amp x b i feel like packing all my stuff and leaving for another country but is it really going to change how i feel inside is it just a dumb way to cope with my anxiety over my life i just wish someone whod tell me that its going to be okay in the end that ill eventually find my path ill find a purpose amp x b im just crying over this not knowing what to do to change my mindset should i seek help should i just wait as this feeling could magically go away amp x b so here i am just rambling about my life to you all redditors because i have no one else to talk to about whats happening inside my head ,post,female
depression,2020-04-05,is it normal to want to break up with my girlfriend because i feel like a loser what should i m do there are days when i cry because i hate myself and see myself as a horrible loser i feel like i havent achieved anything that i ever wanted and the path that i am going down graduating and preparing for phd admission isnt something i want to do its just family pressure nevermind all these things the main problem is i love my girlfriend f and i can only see a bad future for her if she remains with me on my bad days i feel like i should break up with her to give her a better life although she is one of the few reasons i have still been able to keep myself from breaking down does anyone else ever feel the same way should i talk to her about it ,post,female
depression,2020-04-05,im falling so i sit in bed daily and sleep sometimes i get up to eat walk around or cook but mostly i just lie in bed and fall in and out of sleep my f boyfriend m is a really great help but he is also going through depression and has constant overwhelming anxiety he really needs my support and i want to be there for him i grew up in a privileged family and i know that i am so grateful for the life i was given but for some reason i feel this bitter coldness enveloping me more and more i dont want to go outside and do things i dont enjoy things like i used to i just sleep ive been seeking help from psychologists psychiatrists and gps but i also feel like im not worth their time as if my problems arent worth it maybe thats why i sugar coat things and say that things arent that bad that im coping okay but really i feel so close to doing something reckless it feels like no one can see how close i am to drowning but some part of me will smile and tell people im okay because i feel immense guilt from even suggesting that im not whats wrong with me ,post,female
depression,2020-04-06,productivity kept my depression away and well its back f ive learnt from a young age that keeping myself productive kept my depression and suicidal thoughts at bay the only productive things that worked were school or work volunteering hobbies execising etc wasnt productie enough for my brain to leave me alone if i wasnt in school i was working if i wasnt working i was in school i need a or something to occupy my days to feel productive and have me depression stay at bay fast forward to now covid hits my job that i had lined up for the summer months just informed me that they can no longer take me on due to cutbacks caused by covid now im unemployed student and in august  ill be an unemployed graduate ive been applying to jobs like crazy for when i graduate and now itll be even harder that the country will be still dealing with covid and in a recession im trying hard to stay positive but i cant im so afraid im so scared im scared to be unemployed because i know what comes along with it depression and suicide suicide has always been my backup my comfort blanket in case things dont pan out and unfortunately this time it looks like this arent going to pan out i keep telling myself that eventually ill hear back give it months or a year but i know i wont be able to wait it out that long a week into unemployment and im already thinking of ways to go i guess im just looking for anybody who experiences something similar having their self worth tied to productivity or their job ,post,female
depression,2020-04-06,debating whether to commit on april hello i am f i am selectively mute which makes it nearly impossible to make friends i did have one but she got more popular than me changed into a different person and let her new friends bully me i cut her out but shes the most liked person at my school and turned everyone against me this isnt as big of a concern anymore since school is canceled but im still so depressed i had my first boyfriend m i met in an instagram community and we got very close i realize the age difference was wrong but i was too caught up in it and thought i loved him he added me to a discord chat with his friends and it was okay for a while we exchanged pictures i really only do this if i think i love someone which i deeply regret then after weeks one of his friends in the group chat was being mean so he called her out on it and she got really mad she posted on her instagram story about our age gap and had all her friends send him mean messages we broke up which was really upsetting then just a few days ago i met someone on here i really liked and i got too excited and we exchanged pictures quickly i liked him a lot but hes also suffering with depression and told me hes blocking everyone so hell be able to kill himself tonight i am devastated and angry with everything and its not only stupid high school drama i absolutely cannot connect with anyone i cannot make friends i am always a second choice and i have since left that instagram community where all my online friends were so i have no one to talk to im so angered with how cruel and thoughtless people are and if you look at my profile youll see i post in r selfie often i am aware that i can be attractive sometimes i post those pictures to get attention from men that i dont get irl i promise i look completely different in person my skin is covered in acne i have greasy hair and my bangs are too short i feel fat all the time i dress weird i get bullied at school i dont care how pretty i look to weird men that message me i hate everything and everyone around me and when im not suicidal im homicidal i am currently on mg of prozac and went to the psych ward a few weeks ago but am still extremely depressed im failing online school i know how to slit my wrists but im afraid how many mg of prozac will kill me ,post,female
depression,2020-04-06,divorce because of depression im f not sure how to word this ive had depression for a few years diagnosed about years ago i was on a few different kinds of meds and it kind of worked for the most part it did however mellow me out completely no bad lows but no great highs anymore either my husband m expressed his concern with my emotional flatness and zero sex drive and i got off the meds this was maybe months ago i also changed birth control methods and then got off those completely too about months ago in an effort to be myself again my depression has crept back up over the last couple of months and my sex drive is still zero ive been taking addyi for almost a month now with no results but i know it can take up to weeks so im hopeful anyway ive had good days and bad days lately on the bad days i emote less and just sit around basically nothing terrible just not ideal my husband just came to me with his concerns again that i am not pleasant enough around him and i need to fake it till i make it not his exact words but that was the sentiment i dont really know what to tell him i said its a process and im doing my best and he pointed out that when he met me years ago i was not like this hes right i wasnt depressed then he was very clear that he does not want me to force myself to have sex with him so thats not the issue the issue is i feel like hes ready to divorce me because im depressed and i literally do not know what to do i cant help this hes a control freak and hes trying to control my emotions i guess i just dont know if this will get better or what i can do other than getting back on an antidepressant any advice is welcome ,post,female
depression,2020-04-07,i dont want to live but i cant kill myself ill never do that to my family or my boyfriend i know it would crush them and ruin their lives however i really really dont want to live anymore some days are better than others i can feel im okay right now while the majority is apathy feeling like it will never be a life well enough to live when i wake up i want to go to sleep again nothing excites me its like im always waiting for the will to live to suddenly appear let me just add that i do everything i can to feel better therapy exercising healthy eating doing hobbies talking to people about it reading self help books and so on i like my therapist a lot she has helped me in many regards but now im slowly feeling myself falling further down the depression hole i hate living if it werent for the sake of my family i wouldve died a long time ago btw im f and have been depressed since i was ,post,female
depression,2020-04-09,extreme humiliation by my family my fam consist of me mom dad and bro i am so sick of how they humiliate me everything and it totally depresses me look i have a really nice reputation in my school and in my circle i have won scholarships for apple in california on social media people are super kind to me and in my family specially my mom f is so frustrated by her life she is super moody and always screams i mean barks on me she screams if i left a book of mine on table or i accidentally dropped coffee on floor you see how she yells me at every little thing like outside and inside my house is completely different world i am working on a big app project during self isolation and she is very angry and like pours out all of her anger on me her doctor said she is almost going through to menopause she is like if i am humming a song at in morning she starts yelling and telling its my house shut up and mind your business this really tears me apart i really try not to listen to them but there is a limit till which i can do some days she brings me gifts and talks to me nicely others days she yells at me and tell me that go and die thats so weird what would you do if you were at my place would you stay lonely and sad all the days working on great things ,post,female
depression,2020-04-10,what happens after you get help like what happens next ive f been diagnosed with depression and anxiety last feb and have been taking prescribed meds since and keeping regular enough contact with counselor esp during self quarantine theres just a lot of big talk about mental health about getting help reaching out and all that and i know about healing or progress not being linear and there will be ups and downs to this and i know not everyones experience will be the same but i just would like to know at least some semblance of whats going to happen next sorry if this post is too vague i just find myself stuck and i dont know i dont know where the world is headed to tomorrow and all that and i would appreciate any response to this and maybe have something to look forward to ,post,female
depression,2020-04-10,feeling inferior to sibling i f have always felt inferior to my brother m and its causing me to feel depressed when he is around growing up my brother and i didnt get along and he was so mean to me that now he is trying to mend his relations with me however i still feel uncomfortable around him and then with everything else im about to say its definitely hard for me to feel happy i have always been more introverted where he has always had tons of friends and was athletic and did well in school without having to try now he is running marathons in other countries has a great job and a serious girlfriend that my parents love when my parents never show that same love to my so he also has done a program through harvard and has been so successful while im struggling to find a job i know it sounds lame to feel so depressed and inferior but i just want to cry and isolate when he is around with my family i feel as if my parents dont see me as amazing as he is ,post,female
depression,2020-04-10,desperate thoughts surround me i am f and i think i suffer from severe depression and stress for two years my life is getting worse and worse my past is dirty i lost my contact with my parents years ago my closest friend terminated our relationship lately i live alone in a city which i hate i cant focus on good things i just think about bad things and my past there are some regrets in my life despite all i still have hope and do not give up but my life quality is so low how can i embrace optimistic thoughts how can i increase my persistence to be alive i just want to leave everything and start a new life ,post,female
depression,2020-04-11,i just read about my fianc s cheating so hi i f have know hime since year together since he has never expressed anything homosexual before year he startef dating an asian boy ab really immature directly into a relationship even tho my fianc stated that hes engaged showed up to our flat his work call etc i have always believed him that the ab was the one doing it on his own well i just saw that he got instagram messages from the ab tipped on them i know wrong and well before me unfolding months old textmessages between them my fianc e mostly being the first one sexual when i am gone etc i am lost completely i really dont know what do thing looked myself into the livingroom its am i please i really dont know what to do ,post,female
depression,2020-04-12,i f think i might have depression i had a really rough upbringing and ive had anxiety for most of my life by the time i was about i knew i had anxiety but i was too anxious to do anything about it finally when i was i went and got diagnosed and have been medicated ever since it has changed my whole life for the better i remember when i was getting my diagnosis and the nurse asked if i thought i was depressed i said no because i didnt feel sad all the time or suicidal however i have noticed that i get into these phases where i lose all motivation get overly emotional about everything binge eat and just feel empty im in one of those slumps right now and i talked to my fianc about it he thinks it could be depression as hes witnessed me get like this or times in the last years i know its a hard time for everyone right now but this isnt the first time this has happened to me i always end up neglecting my housework and schoolwork which is unlike me when im feeling good i just lay on the couch for all hours of the day and feel crappy about myself food doesnt sound appealing unless its from a drive thru i just lost lbs before i got into this slump and im so scared to step on the scale now i guess i just came here for some advice or opinions does this sound like depression ,post,female
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depression,2020-04-12,loneliness and emptiness i dont even know where to start this here i am a f and i have been diagnosed with clinical depression since i was i take medication since i was nowadays i take about pills a day of antidepressants and anxiolytics due to this treatment for a long time i am chemically dependent on clonazepan this has been present in my life since i was young i had not even had my first period i was not able to learn how to socialize develop and maintain any type of relationship friendly or romantic i always had very low self esteem it was always me for me i believe that in adolescence from it was the most difficult time in addition to low self esteem i had problems with acne and my biotype does not fit the aesthetic standards and there came the bullying i had a hard time making friends at the expense of all that at the time i would like to be like the other girls i would like their approval but the moments i remember most were self harming hidden crying suicidal and self destructive thoughts my teenage experiences were late today i am in college little of that has changed i still have difficulty in relating to people i know how to make friends but the difficult thing is to develop and maintain them i continue with my self esteem practically non existent and the feeling of helplessness and replacement up there ive dealt with so much rejection in the affective field that i feel that i dont deserve to be loved they never ask me to stay they never ask me to come back there will always be a better person than me and this quarantine it has been a hell because i just dont have contact with just about anyone other than parents if i had a conversation it was with two people at most and i started it because if i depended on their initiative there would be no conversation i am an only child i am feeling very alone and i realize that my presence in the lives of some people is indifferent because nobody wants to know how i am if im fine what am i doing its like i died my self destructive thoughts are racing through my mind and i think im going to do some shit thats it i just wanted someone to know how im feeling has anyone who has clinical depression experienced a crisis due to this quarantine ,post,female
depression,2020-04-14,my girlfriend needs help hey everybody im m pretty much lost on how to help my girlfriend f for the past weeks or so shes been suffering from what i would say is moderate to severe depression this past week was especially tough she confided in me that shes been sexually abused periodically over the past decade by a family friend including one incident that happened the day before she told me all of this she made me swear not to tell anybody or do anything since i know the perpetrators name i have since held that promise now whats even trickier is my girlfriend hardly has any family to confide in even if she wanted to her mother left at a young age her father who raised her and she still lives with is a really great dad but they never connected emotionally and she refused to tell him after i pleaded her too her reasoning was that she didnt want to burden him and ruin the great life hes provided for her so im really in a pickle i love this girl to death yesterday was a better day on her good days she can do things but is slightly tired today is a bad day shell stay in bed all day on her bad days she also always texts me after i leave on her bad days and says i deserve better and that she doesnt wanna me to be hurt by her depression it terrifies me but i believe this is the depression talking ive been researching a lot about depression and what i should and shouldnt do ive looked up local mental health clinics as i believe she needs professional help but everything is closed with the covid she ll probably refuse anyways having told me before that depression medication never worked and neither did counselling reddit please educate me what should i do i told her id support her no matter what ,post,female
depression,2020-04-14,in a failing relationship with severe depression ive f always struggled with mental health but in the last year and a half my depression got severe to the point of suicide being on my mind at all points of every day ive been living with my boyfriend of over a year for a few months and found out recently that he had been buying nudes from some random girl on snapchat not even a hot celebrity just some girl that lives in our state i already had no hope no love for myself no trust for him etc and really dont know how to cope im not going to leave him because i feel like i dont deserve any better and wouldnt have a better relationship with someone else anyways i really dont know what to do anymore especially with being cooped up all day everyday during quarantine with him ,post,female
depression,2020-04-14,im losing patience with my mother my m mother f is divorced these four years and is still grieving the end of her marriage my mother is diagnosed with depression and she also has epilepsy in the wake of her divorce she leaned into her evangelical christian upbringing and began to pray nightly vigils in her closet for my father m to return to the family mind you all he is still in our lives and simply lives across town my father was physically and psychologically abusive to her but she begs god to bring him back every day she hangs her hopes in her prodigal husband returning on a spiritual experience she had whilst in prayer at a church service she claims to have heard the voice of god in her ears as clearly as i would speak to her saying youre praying the wrong prayer ex husbands name must return to me before he can return to you bear in mind that psychotic illness runs in her family as does suicide but she believes god spoke to her so she can never give up praying that my father will return ive told her that the quality of our lives has improved since he left and my relationship with him has improved as well dad has grown as a man and as unlikely as it should have been has made amends for his abuse to my brother and me he was criminally neglected and abused as a child and has come to terms with how it stunted his function as a model husband and father but he will not re marry my mother my brother and i are grown and he will not again place himself in a circumstance that would tempt his abusive tendencies ianad but i am certain that the voice of god that my mother heard was a grief induced hallucination and a maladaptive one at that it has impeded her acceptance of the end of her marriage she weeps on the sofa every day these past four years for dad to return and that they can build the ideal christian family that they never had in the first place ive nearly lost all my patience for her daily grieving she visits a faith based therapist monthly and refuses to see anyone else the therapist is a quack and employs an e meter https en wikipedia org wiki e meter wprov sfti in his sessions yes i do live with her to monitor her epilepsy any advice how to break this spell edit if im grieving anything im grieving my mothers lost four years ive met so many strong women from similar circumstances take voyages of self discovery after divorce they become stronger and more sure in their independent identities they even become feminists but my mother sinks lower and lower by the day pining her lost role as a submissive wife my dad has a girlfriend now and they live together and she has become spiteful hateful i just want to yell at her get over it its over ,post,female
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depression,2020-04-15,medication and parents i f have been wanting to take meds because i have been suffering from depression anxiety and ptsd for years now i have been on and off meds and in and out of hospitals at the start i havent taken meds in about a year because i still live with my mother and she does not like me taking them it actually weakens our relationship because of how angry she gets when i have them prescribed she tells me youve been doing so well why the f k do you need drugs and acts like im some monster the problem is i rely on my parents to pay for my doctors visits because i only make enough money to pay my bills and get gas to commute to school far has anyone else been through this i feel pathetic because i am years old and my mom acts like im doing a war crime by trying to better myself ive tried yoga exercise meditation eating healthy etc nothing holistic works when you genuinely have a chemical imbalance what else am i supposed to do i guess i am just here to find some support or people who can relate tl dr my mom thinks im insane for taking meds for my depression anxiety ptsd even though im years old and have been going through this for years it weakens our relationship when she finds out that i am taking them ,post,female
depression,2020-04-15,i just want the pain to end f i dont have purpose or drive or any positive qualities no one loves me nor will anyone ever love me they know i dont deserve love i cant take this emptiness im already slowly dying ,post,female
depression,2020-04-16,im going downhill im f live alone still working hours a week about half at home half at work ive had anxiety and depression for a long time the past couple days ive just fell into a depression like im so tired i can barely keep my eyes open at meetings all i want to do is sleep but i cant fall asleep i cant think of a single thing i want to do or that would make me happy and pass the time i havent been this bad in a while usually on my less bad episodes i can at least convince myself to try a shower or a walk or cook something or text a friend now im just like whats the point no i dont know what im looking for here i just feel really alone ,post,female
depression,2020-04-17,how to cope with having no friends does it get better so im f and a recent college grad ive never been popular but ive always had a few friends and in high school i had two best friends by sophomore year of college i lost all my friendships from high school but i did meet a really great girl my freshman year and we became really close we were best friends all through college but by senior year she became more and disant until we stopped talking were from and live in the same town by the way she just stopped talking to me i texted her a few times asking if she was ok and she said were not a good fit as friends but i wish you a good life i havent heard from her in almost a year now the only person i have left that i talk to is a guy who i was friends with high school weve had a weird on off relationship and we basically just text each other i do like him but hes hurt me in the past and my family dont really like him long story anyway i just feel so lonely theres never been a time in my life when i really have no one that cares about me yes i do have good parents and i love them but they are all i have left and my parents wont be around forever i wish i just had someone to connect to whether a friend or a boyfriend it doesnt help that i live at home and am unemployed right now because i just graduated college right when this coronavirus stuff happened im also an only child so the only person who really likes me is my mom so i just stay at home and read and play video games i havent been diagnosed with depression but i am definitely an anxious person and i am sad most days but i dont have any other depression symptoms i just want someone to relate to and be close with i feel like thats all i think about and this quarantine doesnt help any advice for me ,post,female
depression,2020-04-17, f falling again havent showered in days thoughts of self harm often and considering suicide again im lost my family hates me i dont like my friends and they dont like me i hate myself and everyone no one knows,post,female
depression,2020-04-17,it feels so revolting that i have to take meds to just get through a shit career i absolutely refuse to take them again anymore context f ive graduated med school last year and i totally hate this career not gonna bore you with details but it wasnt my choice at all i was forced to do this mainly by my parents really prestigious career in my country i have severely suffered through college had a lot of breakdowns and stuff but when it was really really bad i had to start going to psychologist psychiatrist and taking meds started with fluoxetin felt even more dead inside than without it more than months of treatment didnt feel hungry or horny or anything and plus some intense stomachaches changed to bupropion wow it worked like a charm i felt calmer although slightly more irritated than normal no side effects etc however i cant go on more than or months straight with the medication before i drop it i know its wrong believe me psychiatric rotation was specially graphic in this aspect but it feels really revolting that i have to drug myself into acceptance of something i wasnt even consulted that i was forced to do and that i hate to my very core i have to work in the field now even harder because of covid and i know its crazy but it seems better to feel like shit without medication because it seems i can really feel how deplorable things are and how my work life is something i should be at least embarrassed about because i wasnt brave enough to jump the ship when i was still young and i could do something else it feels specially bitter when i see all my relatives and friends staying at home and i have to go out every day and put myself at risk doing something i truly despise dont get me wrong its a wonderful career im just not meant to do it i just wanted to vent but if anyone has any tips it would be really appreciated ,post,female
depression,2020-04-17,dealing with a depressed dad hi guys this is probably a rant but i dont know what else to do i am f and my dad m is depressed and emotionally unstable immature a couple years ago he revealed to us at home that he grew up in an abusive home his dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive possibly sexually abusive prior to telling us this he used to idolize his father in an almost obsessive way i am a girl but he named me after his father and gave me a male name as my middle name this childhood abuse makes sense because he has always been emotionally immature and irresponsible i am years old and i have never depended on my dad he is terrible with money and always in between jobs he also worked in many different countries when i was growing up and so we have never had such a close relationship my dad is a very traditional indian hindu he does not believe in going to a doctor for his depression but has attempted suicide multiple times instead he goes to gurus and yogis to help him and has an obsession with yoga i do not believe this helps him because he is still depressed and searching for meaning in life because of this he is obsessed with helping the poor this isnt a bad thing i know but he does it to the extent that he runs us into debt to give to others and steals things from our home to donate to others so he can feel good about himself while putting his own family through duress it has caused a huge rift in our family as my mother is the only person who provides for my siblings and i and he puts a financial strain on our lives with his desperate attempt to find purpose but i feel bad for him because i know he is a very sad person on the inside when my siblings and i started working he started asking us for money all the time so he could donate it or build yoga studios for his gurus i am not trying to offend anyone but i do believe some of these gurus are scam artists and some of these yoga groups are like cults i am not a religious person and i dont think any religion is beyond reproach i think he gets taken advantage of by these gurus who use him for his money his siblings also take advantage of him by constantly asking him for money many people take advantage of him for money and he gives it to them because he needs to feel fulfilled then he comes to us and takes our money because he has none as an aside after high school i was accepted to every college i applied to and one was my dream school to study aerospace engineering i was unable to go because my dad said he had no money a couple years later when one of my cousins wanted to study at her dream school he offered to sell some of his real estate to pay for her education as a donation so he could feel good about himself i have never forgiven him for this he goes out of his way to provide for others and does nothing for my siblings mom and i no one in my family can tell my dad anything about his terrible money habits because he gets depressed and threatens to kill himself so we just have to let him do him for all these years now that covid is happening were supposed to stay in our houses to avoid being sick my dad has recently had a surgery and is diabetic so he is at risk for covid my older sister is a covid doctor on the frontline treating patients and isolated at the hospital she has called and told my dad repeatedly to stay at home because things are bad he refuses to stay at home and goes out everyday to build his yoga studio and make donations he has taken my credit card and spent thousands on this studio and these donations in the past few weeks when i am currently out of a job due to covid and need to save my money as i am migrating to canada to start a new life soon this has been my breaking point so today i finally told him about his spending habits and the fact that none of his children feel like they can rely on him as a parent it was a bad fight and he has not been talking to me since and seems upset now i am worried he might do something to hurt himself or that i may have made him more depressed which wasnt my intention but i just lost it today after years of dealing with his behavior i have also dealt with an cocaine addicted cousin and i still feel like my fathers behavior has been more stressful to deal with i dont know what to do now so maybe someone can help me it is not my intention to cause pain to anyone but how do you balance this must i always let him take advantage of me because he is depressed i feel like his depression has ruined my life in many ways but i dont want him to kill himself over things i try to address in his behavior should i just let him do as he pleases and then maybe i can go to therapy to help deal with the stress he causes me rather than try to address it directly with him seeing as he is not emotionally mature enough to handle criticism someone please help me ,post,female
depression,2020-04-17,i am so sad and i have no one i f have absolutely no one and my days are swallowed up by boredom depression and anxiety i dont know what to do i get so angry most of the time and i just want to stop existing ,post,female
depression,2020-04-17,what is the best way to help support boyfriend with persistent depressive disorder already posted on depression help hoping this reaches more people throwaway account it started years ago when my f boyfriend m mentioned to me that hes never actually happy he will laugh and have fun but hes never actually happy since then ive encouraged him to go to a doctor he decided to see one and was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and sleep deprivation however he never went back to get medication nor did he seek therapy or receive any kind of professional help it constantly affects our relationship and so i asked him to get therapy after much delay he decided to go and from an outsiders perspective it seems as though the therapy was slowly starting to help him manage his depression since the coronavirus pandemic sent us home from college hes been getting worse not showing up to online classes and missing assignments hes also been distant and i have no idea what hes thinking or doing i just want to make sure hes okay but dont know how to help since we cant see each other we recently got into an argument because his depression has made it hard for me because it feels like ive been carrying the relationship for a long time i have never had depression before so i have no idea what the experience is like all i can do is sympathize and try to understand as much as i can from an outside perspective and this isnt about me but his depression has deeply affected our relationship i wanted to break things off but immediately regretted saying that i think that really hurt him and he hasnt spoken to me in over a week but said he will reach out when hes thought about things more i dont know what to do i want to help him and our relationship i want to be there for him do i reach out when should i reach out would trying to talk to him when he isnt ready going to make things worse he says that he did see a future with me but now things are foggy im not quite sure if this is linked to depression maybe some of you guys can help elucidate this situation for me i want to ask those of you who know what its like to experience depression about what helps you the most i care so much about him and i just want to do whats best for him his mental health and our relationship ,post,female
depression,2020-04-18,i feel ugly and shitty and idk what to do uhm ive never written anything on reddit but i guess i just need a place to share im a f and ive recently felt really depressed especially because of quarantine i just feel like everything is going down hill and i cant bear to look at myself and take pictures because i just feel so ugly compared to other girls on social media with pretty eyes and small noses and clear skin and beautiful big lips i asked my bf to rate me yes stupid idea ik and he said i was an idk why but that made me really upset maybe its bcs i saw instagram posts of bf saying that their gf is the most beautiful girl in the world etc ive also started c tting again all i do is sleep all day and do nothing i feel like absolute shit i also dont have any friends and i just feel lonely and i dont know what to do sometimes it just feels like ending it all is better and will take all my problems away this post is really stupid im sorry ,post,female
depression,2020-04-18,im not getting better im f an undergraduate nursing student graduating this year and starting work in july august just some background i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in but wasnt consistent in taking my medications fluoxetine mg lorazepam mg or going for my psych appointments at one point i stopped doing anything to better my mental health recently i dragged myself to my gp and told him that i wanted to fix myself before i entered adulthood and start working he understood my concern made a referral for me to visit a psychiatrist at a local hospital and prescribed me fluoxetine this time though he started me at mg instead of my usual dose of mg weeks went by and i dont feel any better i have increased urges of self harm i feel entirely numb and i cannot seem to cry to feel better i do want to cry my appetite has only be going downhill and i survive on only plain water and biscuits my sleep schedule is so shit i can either sleep for hours or not at all my psych appointment at the hospital isnt until next month i dont know what to do now anybody else on the same boat as i am has anyone switched from fluoxetine to something else in the meantime stay safe everyone x,post,female
depression,2020-04-18,i think im dying f i have been taking a lot of pills recently for the past couple of months i have been taking pills instead of only i just started doing this and i dont know crap about pills but i have insomnia and cry a lot at night i just want to sleep but the pills are not even helping i think im dying i can feel it my breathing is messed up im always dizzy my legs shake when i walk im always half conscious i cant help but want to take more pills im suicidal but i dont want to die like this its hurts a lot its adhd and sleeping medicine guanfacine and clonidine like i said before i need help resisting taking so many because its killing me and it hurts a lot ,post,female
depression,2020-04-19,i need advice my f husband m doesnt seem to understand me time and time again ive told him ive been dealing with depression and anxiety ive dropped hints talked about wanting to go to therapy and maybe find a medication that might help me get back in a better mindset and get my motivation back and yet i dont feel like he gets it i know he is a good person and he cares for me but at the same time he is the only person that makes me feel bad about my current state of mind i dont think hes intentionally trying to make me feel worse about myself but his little comments and lack of caring about how im feeling makes me feel worse ive just had such a lack of motivation lately with everything i havent been taking care of myself or our house lately ive been drinking more i know were quarantined but its been this way for a little while not eating the best and havent gotten the motivation to clean around the house i try to workout do things around the house but it feels like a minute later im exhausted my focus is all off i know that isnt right but i feel he just sees it as me being lazy instead of realizing that im struggling its hard for me to talk about how im feeling but i have broken down about it in the past during small arguments he has been in a depression before and i could always tell and i tried my best to comfort him during those times i guess what im getting at is that i wish he was as receptive to how im feeling as i always am to him am i wrong for expecting him to pick up on the fact that i am struggling like i said i even notice a difference in my own behavior and its so hard to break through that i just wish he would notice too and help me through it am i wrong for expecting that of him tl dr i dont think my husband understands how im feeling i need to know if my thinking on the situation is right could use advice on how to handle this ,post,female
depression,2020-04-19,posting here cause i have no one irl to talk too openly or properly lean on my birthday is coming up and i f feel like i have failed in my career and never had a real relationship love due to feeling unable to heal from my past traumas i just feel so unworthy and that i will never be able to find love or even love myself or heal from all the sexual abuse i endured as a child adult i have been depressed over the virus and my bday coming up is just a slap in my face that i am getting each year closer to failed in my career and my short lived relationships i just feel like a loser and its taking a toll on my mental health amp x b amp x b thank you to anyone who reads this replies or has any advice in advance ,post,female
depression,2020-04-20,experience starting wellbutrin f i was taking mg pristiq for a few weeks for depression and didnt get any of the common side effects and no change other than it worsened some of the depressive symptoms so my doctor switched me to mg wellbutrin i know everyone has different experiences with it but just looking for some idea of what to expect how bad side effects are and how long before it starts working,post,female
depression,2020-04-20,covid sad boi hours idk if this is the right one but back then i f already decided that i wanted to seek help with my self harming and depression im not diagnosed so idk if i can even call it that i was planning on going to my university counseling services cheaper bc university insurance and stuff and tl dr i didnt get an email back for details about their services after many months of trying to get an appointment im guessing theyre really packed and theres a lot of students at my uni and it really made me not want to apply there and now im more scared than ever to seek any professional help can i get some advice on where to even start when seeking help i live in canada and due to covid i really dont have a lot of options right now ,post,female
depression,2023-07-28,i f have struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life i love passionately and i put everything i am into my work school relationships sometimes i feel too sensitive for the world like i wasnt made to be an adult here i love too hard too fast i wear my heart on my sleeve i open up easily to people who weaponize it against me people are just rude or short in general im so exhausted and lonely and sad being an adult feels so isolating even when i go out and meet people its all so surface level the world is so unforgiving ,post,female
depression,2023-07-27,i f have been working on myself more lately this includes trying to allow myself to become more emotional im currently at a road block where i just cant cry though ill get sad and might feel like im about to cry but for some reason i wont im not trying to stop myself but maybe im missing something maybe i cant get emotional enough what do i do ,post,female
depression,2023-07-27,so i f am a fucking idiot i finally went in to see my gp for the first time since i was fifteen with the intent to just get diagnosed get on medication and move on with my life for fucks sake when given the questionnaire i severely downplayed the hurting yourself and better off dead questions because i really didnt want to be sent to the psych ward i have a job and i cant take the time off to get that kind of treatment my mothers a doctor and she comes home and complains about how she gets these patients that treat their appointments like therapy sessions i was worried that my doctor would do the same and i felt this incredible urge to just lie lie lie and keep the conversation so jokey and upbeat i never mentioned anything about my history with self harm or how i spend every drive to work wishing i was brave enough to finally swerve into oncoming traffic anyway i didnt meet the criteria for depression which left me at a loss ive never felt so invalid in my life ive spent nineteen years listening to my mother tell me that its just a phase and that theres nothing wrong with me just to have her words clinically approved i wanted this diagnosis to prove her wrong and to finally become a functioning member of society but it really just did the opposite ive never felt worse ive wanted to die since i was ten years old so this sadness is basically my identity to have it discredited makes me feel like im alone in this feeling and that im never going to get better because well theres nothing wrong with me im planning on taking a mixture of mg of dayvigo mg melatonin and whatevers left in my tylenol bottle with as much rum and vodka as i can stomach im doing this on a week where i have the house to myself closer to the end of the week and in the bathtub so clean up is a little easier what do you think my chances of survival are i really dont want to survive this ,post,female
depression,2023-07-26,please delete if not allowed f ive been diagnosed with depression for almost a year now and im on sertraline my actual diagnosis was major depression and moderate anxiety however i dont know which type of depression i have i basically go through episodes thst last anywhere between weeks to a couple months these episodes include not eating correctly not being able to get out of bed a depression pit and a period of not speaking to any of my friends or family i dont sleep well and i lose motivation to do absolutely anything this is accompanied with a constant feeling of numbness and a heavy feeling in my chest when not in these episodes i am quite anxious but otherwise fine can anyone help me to figure out which type of depression i have edit extra symptom description,post,female
depression,2023-07-26,cw tw self harm substance abuse i dont really know where to begin i f have been in a really dark place for half a week now a little backstory ive suffered with depression for most of my life was misdiagnosed with bipolar as a teen diagnosed with bpd in my mid s and believe ive got some undiagnosed neurodiversity i grew up in a house were feelings were never talked about sadness was ignored or belittled and ive always felt incredibly lonely over the weekend i accidentally discovered my partner m has a porn addiction weve been together for getting close to a decade now the closest ive ever gotten to finding out he has a pa was around our year anniversary i learnt that he was sexting role playing with someone on instagram to me that was a huge betrayal of trust and we almost broke up he convinced me that he would change we went to couples therapy together and i thought that we had moved past it all anyway it turns out that while he was no longer an active participant in his addiction he has still been on porn sites every single damn day he seems to think that he has never outright lied to me about the porn stuff but we have been dealing with him having erectile dysfunction for a couple of years now and he never once thought to make the connection or talk to me about it and at one point to try and help our sex life i had suggested that he read me something dirty that turns him on as i knew he enjoyed reading porn and he enjoys reading his favourite novels to me but he completely dismissed it and made it seem like he no longer read any porn ive become an absolute wreck i thought i knew everything about him i thought we were close enough that he could of come to me about anything and i wouldve been able to be there for him with very little judgement and im still somewhat understanding im empathetic to what hes probably going through right now after hes been caught out and the breakdown of our relationship but he has hit so many triggering things for me at first it was just the hurt and betrayal of trust and rejection sensitivity feeling like im not enough like im not good enough and thats then triggered a major depressive episode for me ive only been able to sleep once i get so drunk and stoned i can barely function ive self harmed again and hes given me space like ive asked for but in the middle of a depressive episode it has then triggered all my old abandonment issues there was a point were i honestly felt like i was again in the middle of a breakdown and just needing some form of comfort and hearing people in the other room who know how distressed i am and they just ignore it ive completely regressed from all the healthy techniques ive developed over the years and am back to all my shitty ones every time he talks to me its to tell me hes booked a doctors appointment or hes deleted all the browser history or spoken to a friend or found support groups online or unfollowed people on instagram he hasnt once asked how im feeling how my mental health is handling everything he has not checked in on me but seems to expect my support to him i feel so fucking lonely i be never known how to sit in these awful feelings ive reached out to one friend and it was helpful to have someone validate my hurt and my feelings but the day to day isolation is a lot its just him my cat and myself in our house all my friends and family live a fair drive away and i dont drive and even if they didnt i dont know how to really reach out for help or how to lean on anyone ive only had two shifts of work so ive felt really stuck in this house i keep wanting to go out for a walk or something but instead i cant move im just smoking and drinking and watching gilmore girls which was a huge comfort show for me growing up i dont really know why im posting here i think i just need to get stuff out of my head ,post,female
depression,2023-07-26,im f and was diagnosed with depression last year after i felt betrayed by one of my friends i was on my last year of university and was supposedly going to graduate this year but i had to take a leave of absence when i attempted and was brought to the hospital for overdosing after a year of staying at home trying to focus on my mental health i thought i was ready to go back to university and finish my last year of nursing school but now i feel scared at the thought of making new friends and socializing i cant even imagine myself as a nurse once i do get to graduate i feel like my life will short i actually have a loving family friends and a boyfriend but i cant see myself getting better nor do i see myself with a future i feel like im going back to university for the sake of just getting a degree not because i want to go back i honestly dont have any ambitions or motivation to live anymore ,post,female
depression,2023-07-26,as the title says im f just so tired for the entirety of my life i have felt sad and weird and awkward and on the outside of everything im the last resort friend the one whos invite gets forgotten and whos text doesnt get responded to im good enough when people need help moving or to vent or any kind of time you need someone reliable but still im only just barely good enough then its been this way for as long as i can remember ive never truly belonged anywhere or been good at anything im an adult and i feel so far behind my peers and people younger than me i dont have any money any motivation and not a single person i could really confide in and feel like they would care i feel like a massive loser like the weirdest bug under a microscope that everyone can see and point and laugh at being perceived in my daily life makes my skin crawl and the happiest i am is hiding in my apartment reading or watching something ive read or watched dozens of times before because i know its safe and wont hurt or disappoint me ive ruined so many things for myself in the past and now im just a sad husk of a woman in her late s completely and utterly exhausted by everything i dont feel like it will ever get better and now im just a weird stranger over sharing on the internet im a void of untouched potential apologizing for everything i do because existence is so painful and awkward and embarrassing i just had to say it or write it i guess out loud for once ,post,female
depression,2023-07-25,i f have friends in my life all have done well in life so far great paying jobs low debt all own homes all are getting married soon all travel hawaii thailand japan then theres me my job is horribly paid i have no degree unlike my friends so its hard to make anymore money i have loads of debt from idiotic younger choices paying it off but its made my life miserable i hate seeing them happy i hate when i text about how stressed i am and they reply oh no sorry to hear that but guess what we are going to cabo for vacation next month isnt that great im bitter im a total miserable bitch and i know it but what am i supposed to do dance cheer and congratulate those around me while i suffer working hours a day for nothing paying rent thats too high while theyre all home buyers id be depressed even if i were rich im sure but lately my economic status has been dragging me down into the fucking dumps i cant even afford therapy yay america i fucking hate this shit,post,female
depression,2023-07-25,alright so ive f basically always been depressed as long as i can remember basically every year it feels like it gets worse i just dont see a way out of my slow depressive spiral for context im not really sure why im depressed which sucks my best guess is that i am chronically lonely i have had absolutely no friends since i was in elementary school and since i graduated high school not even acquaintances and i hate it but i dont blame people im super boring to be around the only time my social life looked like it might actually start existing then covid took that and so much away from me i think god the universe just hate me idfk what is out there another reason i thought i was depressed is gender dysphoria im trans and i absolutely just hate my body and while my parents have been accepting a lot of my family sucks and i live in a pretty conservative city i was able to start getting medication for transitioning but since starting ive felt happier but i dont think its really helping my depression at all at this point im just starting to give up and i have no energy i just dont see myself ever getting better and i feel like im behind so many people my age on starting my life i have no job largely because im scared people will not hire me because im trans even though thatd be illegal in my country or because of a million reasons my anxiety cooks up for why i cant apply for a job im pretty broke and i live with my parents im such a disappointment i havent put any effort into creating a social or dating life because i dont feel like i deserve it it just feels like im incapable of helping myself ive had thoughts about ending my life which sucks and has only made my self sabatoge worse because i keep telling myself theres no point renewing my drivers license or doing a multitude of other things because i might not even live much longer anyway ,post,female
depression,2023-07-25, f i know this might be more accurate to have posted this on the trauma subreddit but it wont let me i became very depressed and basically stopped living my life when i was i havent really left the house since im homeschooled and dont have friends or anything im getting better now but i think i might have stunted my growth or something guys my age look too old for me girls my age look way older then i feel i am i see them online and still think of them like older girls i feel more mature and im trying to accept adulthood as its coming but i still get sad sometimes however the part im most concerned about is the fact that i dont know if im attracted to men my own age or want to hangout with girls my age if guys my age look too old what if im still attracted to year olds i have no interaction with either so i cant really confirm my theory anxiety but i hope so much that im wrong can i fix that if it is the case i really dont want to be like that just to add i would never date a year old i know thats inappropriate and wrong im not attracted to their maturity either ,post,female
depression,2023-07-25,hello all i m and my girlfriend f have been together for months and they have been the most magical months of my life i deal with severe anxiety health anxiety panic disorder and ptsd and my gf has been very very helpful and supportive through my tough times and i love her dearly she has been the best thing to ever happen to me in my life and i love her to death and want to start a family with her unfortunately one day early last week i woke up and i felt as if all my love and feelings had disappeared out of the blue nothing happened between us and i am struggling with this ideology my brain has come up with its like when i look at her i dont feel the love or butterflies i did two weeks ago now for reference it feels this way with almost everyone in my life at the moment including my mom my dad my love for cars video games you name it but this issue with my girlfriend has caused me to breakdown crying everyday because i dont want to lose her like my mind is telling me to i have been on lexapro for months now and at the same time i started omprezalone for gerd last monday a day or two before these thoughts started my med lady switched me to protonix stomach meds and kept the lexapro the same she also had me taking almost mg of magnesium every day and iu of vitamin d my question is has anyone experienced this before and how did you overcome this my therapist believes it is depression getting the better of me and that the new stomach meds i am on are causing a bad reaction please give me hope i want to marry this girl ,post,female
depression,2023-07-25,hi i f have had depression for many years my depression manifests in a lot of different ways but mainly sever insomnia the kind where you sleep too much not too little and low motivation i always have a classic depression room i will go a couple days without showering even if i feel dirty etc the room and the showering are a little easier to convince myself to do because i notice if i dont do them however brushing my teeth is a habit i never formed the problem is i dont really notice that i dont do it often and no one else says anything i go to college in the fall and maybe it will help to have a roommate who i see going and brushing her teeth but i cant be sure that will work help ,post,female
depression,2019-08-28,it feels like someone else lived my life for me m looking back at my life it all seems like a blurry mess i do have some good memories but they all feel so distant like someone else experienced them and then told me about them i remember my childhood before depression but the last years went by without me noticing and here i find myself depressed and thinking about the simpler times with my elementary school mates my middle school bestfriend and girlfriend whom i broke up with just because i was so fucking immature i want all that back i want her back i want happyness back no wait i want to go back in time and punch my stupid younger self in the face and tell him to treasure my friends and not leave them because i felt different and superior to keep my girlfriend close because i would never find another special person like her she was my opportunity and i blew it these were my fucking teen years and i wasted them playing videogames and listening to alternative music just to feel different and hence superior to others instead i now know ive become a failure i treated badly most of the people i came in contact with and i deserve how im feeling now just do everyone a favor and go fuck yourself my stupid self centered younger self just needed to vent sorry my only desire is to punch my past self in the fucking face omfg i fucking hate him ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-28,my parents dont understand i dont know who else feels this way but its like my parents dont understand and it makes it seem like they dont care but i know they love me i just cant get over it they tried therapy with me but its almost impossible to tell the therapist whats going on because i keep crying and shaking and barely thinking about what im going to say makes it worse my parents probably wont let me take antidepressants because they think i wont be me anymore at this point im not even sure who i am at this point everyone else thinks im rude or just dont care but i do i just cant feel it im just lost at this point i want to self harm what makes everything worse is that when i have to do something for someone they never appreciate it i used to enjoy helping out with stuff but at this point i just cant mentally but my parents force me to and they think i just dont want to help out people with anything and im selfish they want me to be an example to other people but i just want a simple life ive been in the bathroom crying for ages im also going to a new school now so it is kind of stressful im not sure if everything makes sense or if anyone can even follow it but someone just help me please btw im m,pre,male
depression,2019-08-28,does medication for depression work im m im generally a introverted person i feel like im just existing and doin nothing with my life i cant stop using my internal voice and im thinking all the time feel like im getting messages from listening to music and i feel completely numb like im always in a dissociated state i try to be happy and think positively but nothing works i wake up only to look forward to go back to sleep even typing this is a waste ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-28,having suicidal thoughts everynight im m and i just want someone to talk to last night i was scared that my emotions where going to take over i hate myself just like everyone hates me im tired of my life ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-28,stuck in place m im in the military i hate my rate i hate where im stationed i havent been happy since i was like i just cant seem to figure anything out and life keeps bending me over and fucking me day in and day out and im about tired of it i think about jumping off of anything to end it i just dont know how to look at life positively any more im tired of being tired of everything and i just want it to end ,pre,male
depression,2019-10-08,long vent i dont know whether this belongs here i havent been diagnosed or anything but i was randomly led here on a googling whim so w e im m and i just constantly feel like im doing everything wrong and that everyone else is better than me ive always been very introverted and would prefer to spend time alone on youtube rather than going out to clubs etc but ive started to realise more and more that it is just a distraction from whats really going on inside my head things that i enjoy games programming etc are just distractions from thinking if i stop to think then ill usually end up crying in bed i think i have some sort of dissociative identity disorder or something of that ilk and if i stop i cant help but start spiralling down into what is real sort of thoughts even writing this out i can feel them starting to come on i feel like everything was going decently until the end of british college as i had a close friend that would always be around if i wanted a hug or just to talk shit but ive moved away from her and ever since ive never been able to hold on to friends i always feel like im annoying them and that if i open up to them they will inevitably stop talking to me so im always too scared too because if they are close enough that i would consider opening up they are close enough that i want to keep being friends with them i feel that i am undeserving of proper relationships that that literally every guy on the planet would be better than me and if i see a pretty girl then she will inevitably already be taken by a more deserving guy that also thinks she is pretty i constantly feel like i just want to stop existing i dont want to die im too much of a pussy to kill myself but i feel like im a complete waste of the limited amount of humans there will ever be i sleep to get away from people and in my dreams i end up doing the impossible like talking normally to strangers or the most recent one i can remember where i rescued a girl from the side of the road in pouring rain and carried her in my arms and ended up hugging her in some shelter im also pissed at the world in general how life is just learn to make money for other people make money for other people die and the fact that instead of ending disagreements with diplomatic discussion we try to end them with an ive got a bigger one that you fight i am really sorry if this doesnt belong here or im being insensitive and i am happy to take it down or edit as necessary,pre,male
depression,2019-10-08,work to live live to work am i a bad person for rejecting this m living with my parents i have things im good at and interested in but nothing thats viable or that id ever be comfortable having as a lifelong career i definitely dont want suicide i am so tired of weighing on my family i gaze into the future and see myself homeless on the streets addicted to drugs sometimes i feel like thats the right path for me better than dissolving my relations with my family for being a mooch they are too kind to kick me out ive been waiting for years but it hasnt happened ive absolutely tried to change and in some ways i have but not enough i cant imagine working a warehouse job for the rest of my life and paying usd in rent for a place filled with cockroaches and a broken water heater i cant even picture working a part time job even if it were to hypothetically earn me a hefty living which of course it wouldnt i just cant imagine routine work call me a lazy ass but the reward system in my brain just doesnt see it as a viable way of living theres something about my brain that convinces me that a downward spiral is the better route even though i know it clearly isnt instead of working to barely survive on my own i isolate myself in their guest room with my computer near all the things that give me ultimate warmth and comfort i would be fine with this existence if it didnt put a strain on my family i have a good heart i think,pre,male
depression,2019-10-08,zoloft either night terrors or wet dreams but always sweaty i m have been taking sertraline zoloft for about months now and and have been at mg for about months i have been having night terrors every single night extremely vivid to the point that i wake up horrified and unable to go back to sleep sometimes i cant even tell what is a dream and what is reality it is discombobulating to say the least and the disconnection with reality is not helping my depression sometimes i even have wet dreams like full orgasm in my dreams it feels great but the extreme one or the other style lucid dreaming is draining me is there a cure to this besides stop taking the medication or switching im also pretty sick of the night sweats sometimes i cant even tell if its sweat or if i pissed my bed im starting to think its not worth it but dont want to go back to life bare bones depressed like i was sometimes i feel like this all is just worse just a little rant ,pre,male
depression,2019-10-08,do i m have depression ive been dealing with pots postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome and the resulting comorbidities insomnia muscle pain nausea etc for years it forced me to drop out of school and has kept me from dating again over the last year ive been experiencing this feeling of impending doom and immense sadness i feel like something is about to crush me but that nobody can hear me its so damn crushing this horrible feeling that nothing will ever be ok and that everyone i know and love will be dead soon and that i will spend my life alone i have no reasoning behind it aside from my poor physical health i have a good family decent friends an ok job i just have this horrible feeling in my gut that wont leave is this depression if not what is it ,pre,male
depression,2018-11-07,things to do to clear mind after sneaking out of the house okay just a little backstory i m have extremely strict parents and theyre getting on my nerves worse than ever i feel restless all the time and feel like punching someone something so i plan to sneak out tonight and let my hair down what are some things i should do whilst in town to clear my mind and take things off school amp other stresses thank you all ,pre,male
depression,2018-11-07,if anybody wants to exchange numbers i am absolutely down m please come through for me this is getting tougher and tougher ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-29,living with me is like dealing with a middle schooler i m have clinical depression due to an insurance mistake i made my medication has been tricky this year i have a high cost deductible this year which means until i spend  in medical costs i have no coverage this has made getting my appointments and medications tricky recently i am starting to run out and have to figure out a way to pay for a doctor visit or i wont be allowed any more refills ive been depressed and moody lately saturday my girlfriend f asked me to do some things around the house i didnt say anything but i guess she sensed i was irritatible about it today she told me i had been acting like a middle schooler i know im in the wrong here but it hurts ive been depressed about a few things lately we went to a friends to watch a movie grill and swim and i forgot to tell her about the pool and she was really upset i apologized four times she reminded me that i knew how much she liked pools and wouldnt forgive me until the next day not that i necessarily deserved it one of our friends told her that i have a pool attention to detail two of my coworkers friends went to a baseball game and sort of hid it from me we normally do a trivia thing on thursdays and they said they werent able to go but didnt mention they were hanging out together and didnt invite me the thing in common here is me im not enjoyable to be around for my friends so they arent inviting me out im not enjoyable to be around with my girlfriend so she tells me living with me is like working with a middle schooler i want so much just to withdraw into myself and save all of these people from dealing with me im garbage theyd be better off without me ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-29,helping myself and boyfriend cope with depression my boyfriend m and myself f dated for years broke up for and are now back together for months currently when we got back together he said he hasnt been feeling like himself and after his grandma passed he has definitely gotten more depressed he said he feels numb emotionally unavailable and doesnt know how to feel over the past month hes become much less engaged with me as in less affectionate and boyfriend like but always takes time to see me multiple times a week and talk to me through the day on text i know we love each other very much but this is very draining to our relationship he plans to contact a counselor this week to go and talk to which im very happy about im looking for advice on how to cope with the changes to our relationship support him and not make myself unhappy in the process i havent been feeling very happy lately because of how different our relationship has become and how uninterested in simple things like cuddling for examples he seems to be ive brought this up to him and he says he just isnt in the mood to do all of those lovey dovey things and doesnt want them to come across forced im having trouble not connecting the change to me even though its the depression i love this boy with my whole heart and want to be there for him through this time ,pre,male
depression,2018-12-02, m depressed secluding myself for years currently in a bad place help hi i just need to get this off my chest so i thought i would make a post im graduated college years ago with a good degree mechanical engineering but life hasnt been working out how i wanted the last couple of years i got a dui earlier this year and am currently on monitored probation it has made me get sober poly drug abuser for the last years been sober for months and has made me face some of my mental health problems ive been avoiding for years now i realize now that im sober that ive been secluding myself for years and trying to deal with my anxiety depression with substances these last months have been hell on earth for me i barely make it day to day right now im constantly battling feelings of extreme low self worth im working a shitty job that i hate for hr because i cant get a job in my field half the reason is because i cant even get the motivation to apply to jobs i have an extreme fear for failure and generally sleep away my weekends because i cant get out of bed i moved to a new state last year live in co north of denver and have made no friends i sit at home all the time either playing video games or sleeping im trying to face my problems but they seem impossible i dont know how to make new friends because i have no hobbies other than gaming which i dont even enjoy anymore im on probation so i cant drink smoke and dont want to be around people who do i dont have money to throw around on new hobbies because im drowning in student loan debt probation fees and day to day living expenses and im so lonely that it hurts to be alive i feel like ive been in a depressed drug enhanced hole for years now and i have no idea how to crawl out of it i want to make new friends but i have social anxiety and extremely low self worth so its hard to open myself to people i also have nothing to talk about since i dont keep up on current events or watch tv the only real positive thing ive done is start working out regularly it helps me not want to cry myself to sleep but not much other than that how do you dig yourself out of a hole of seclusion of years what do i do for my career i need advice please ,pre,male
depression,2018-12-02,lonely desperate people whatsapp group hey i find it really comforting to read your posts and to respond i feel like you guys are the only ones who get it who are exactly in my spot and see through the same clouds which became reality what do you think about opening a whatsapp group for support and ranting do you think it will be effective im not sure myself but want to hear your thoughts btw im m suffering from an existence sadness and depression regretting about the past constantly ans seeing no future as all of the people around me are happy and getting their shit sorted out yes jealousy is an emotion that finds me in every corner i can even get jealous of how people smile and talk ,pre,male
depression,2018-12-02,does anyone else feel pressure to be in a relationship i feel so much pressure at this age to be a relationship m whose mostly been a lone for my entire life ive had a few meaningless hookups have a well paying job live in a major metro area with tons of single women my friends are mostly in relationships starting to move in together and get engaged and here i am on the sideline wondering if my very unattractive self will ever find someone that fits with me but then i look at that and i think not everyone in life finds someone thats the hollowing truth the pressure continues to make me more depressed seeing whats happening around me and the joy and happiness my friends are getting to experience is really ticking me off the last few days ,pre,male
depression,2018-12-02,everyone thinks i looked pissed and unapproachable all the time how can i fix it m btw im pretty depressed and have severe anxiety not medicated even though i know that i probably should be i just have a lot of issues with it anyways my bosses co workers family friends everyone and that talks to me says they think im always mad and that im not approachable had a job for years where they told me that and i just started a new job weeks ago and someone has already asked me why im mad im really not mad im fine all the time i guess i have bad resting piss face i dont know i just dont know what to do to at least look normal tl dr resting pissed face dont know what to do ,pre,male
depression,2019-01-07, male feeling devastated because my penis is inches erect i remember when i was i browsed forums people told me im gonna grow but it never happened now im my penis is still inches erect i never had a girlfriends and never will all my friends are growing up getting pretty girls i get super jealous when i see them hugging and holding eachothers hand masturbation just feels wrong my penis gets lost in my palms so i started using fingers which is super depressing it feels so wrong living like this i dont know why did i or anyone who is in my situation deserve this just wanna say im not an incel i dont hate women for their penis size preference i just wanted to type this to cope somehow,pre,male
depression,2019-01-07, m feel like ill never be happy with myself or life idk what im doing but tonight i just got suddenly really depressed this isnt the first time and im about to have my second appt with my therapist in the morning i just never feel happy i always look around and see guys having a great time at college and i want to be friends with them but you know it never works out for me since im not into sports and all that stuff im overweight  and pounds i cant ever seem to get a gf not that i need one but even just talking to girls is a challenge and they just never seem interested in being acquaintances in class since im ugly and fat and shy awkward at first i get good grades and am in clubs but even then i am always self conscious and always feel like everyone is judging me in some way im always sad and feel like ill never like myself and no one will ever like me i just dont know what to do anymore or how to fix it bc i cant fix how i look bc its more than just being fat and i try to lose weight and eat less but my depression and anxiety eventually takes over that anyways i just hate myself ,pre,male
depression,2019-01-07,boyfriend broke up with me im so lonely it hurts m so im not lonely as in i dont socialize i work a full time job at a fast food place where i talk to people all day long but i am lonely as in im lonely on a personal level one of my few friends since th grade stopped talking to me and wont tell me why my boyfriend broke up with me and my few friends i do have wont talk to me i dont know how to make friends with similar interests as me even online or gaming im finding it difficult to make friends amp x b im actually so lonely it physically hurts my head with the stress of not being able to talk to someone on a personal level all i need is one good friend one i dont need a relationship even i just need a fucking friend amp x b i dunno i just wanted to let that out and ramble i dont know how to make friends though any advice or suggestions ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-19,cognitvely dysfunctional teen m feeling physically and emotionall messed up have no motivation or reason to do anything this condition i have had been affecting every aspect of my life i cannot go in life happy with whats going on with me im thinking i have brain damage but unfortunately doctors disagree and claim its some bullshit psycho related thing going on im extremely confused im constantly feeling brain dead and its preventing from doing anything enjoyable for me my biggest issue is motivation its hard feeling motivated when youre practically living as vegetable i cant function at school cant talk to people cant understand the most basic things cant even masturbate havent orgasmed in over a year confused with existentialism feeling suicidal feeling restless all the time overall just horrible in my shoes i dont what to do i really want to enjoy my life but i feel like i cant regardless of what i do i cant feel happy meds drugs or anything dont help i even eat healthy and exercise constantly bodybuilding i dont know what i should do,pre,male
depression,2019-03-19,my life is and has been a disaster advice needed m year old failure after five years of failure and doing nothing its time i get my life together due to poverty and my fathers declining health i didnt go to high school but three years ago we finally got the insurance my father was promised for if he ever got sick two years irrefutable evidence and threatening a lawsuit later and we have money were living fairly comfortably now but unfortunately our lifestyle has largely stayed the same i dont get out and ive developed so many bad habits and what now feel like addictions i compulsively eat masturbate up to three times a day and play video games its manifested into major depression anxiety and suicidal thoughts i dont enjoy my hobbies anymore the spark is gone im unhappy and its killing me inside and literally after a failed relationship with someone who lied to me and broke my heart and many fake friends later i cant keep doing this unfortunately the environment im in only reinforces this lifestyle thats not to say im shifting the blame onto anyone else im to blame for giving into this life nothing feels the same anymore everything just makes me depressed half my day is spent laying in bed feeling miserable my body is horrible ive let myself go in more ways than you could imagine im pounds my skin is horrible im pale white moderate acne i have sores and ingrown hairs on my arms and back i have virtually no self confidence and bad social anxiety i had a horrible childhood i was an outcast and a loner and we always moved around a lot i never had the opportunity to settle in and find my place i have many mental scars people have hurt me used me and lied to me i have trust and jealousy issues i have basically no family that arent either dead or dont want anything to do with me my mother died when i was young and my father is in very poor health i still live with him not by choice but theyre many circumstances as to why things didnt pan out i wont go into them here but basically im stuck with him for awhile were moving yet again soon to a different state and i want to all this pain and regret behind me in california this is the last chance im giving myself to turn it all around i know it wont be easy but if i keep living like i wont even make it to if this doesnt work out i plan on killing myself ill have nothing to live for if this doesnt change is there any advice someone could give to a trainwreck like me what is the first step to get out of this five year long slump ive found myself in tl dr i have depression social anxiety and my life is total mess ive let myself go and am having trouble getting out of this five year long hiatus from a normal life any advice would be appreciated ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-19,broke up m with possibly depressed gf for the past year in the city of chicago i was with the best gf i have ever had in my entire life we had so much fun and expressed our feelings multiple times while having only polite arguments about what troubled us regarding our relationship during this time she has told me multiple times that she feels i am the only one who can provide her with the sentiment of safety and calmness but she cannot do that as well while always feeling bad about it as well as herself and worthless regarding how she deals with her life and university studies as a nurse she also drinks a lot and in one or two cases times a week getting almost always drunk while her appetite was extremely low something i always encouraged her to fix as background information she had lost her mother out of nowhere some years ago and i deduced that she started drinking after that when in the past she never did but not like an alcoholic recently i noticed that she was beginning to isolate herself from me out of the blue when i adressed this issue she responded by telling me she is not feeling very well recently not due to something that i did but she is thinking about the problems of her life and that leads her to being isolated from me after not contacting her for about two days she says she wants to meet in order to talk when that happened she told me that she still loves me and doesnt want to be with anyone else right now apart from me but she needs time in order to sort her life out and create priorities telling me she doesnt want to be a burden to me and waste my time with her problems she then started kissing and hugging me and mentioned something about us being together in the future as well as she doesnt want me to see her as a friend also she wants me to contact her whenever i want to without her doing so during this time and i at first rejected this telling her to contact me whenever she felt like it i didnt push her or try to change her mind when she announced her decision and told her that even if i dont like it i respect her decision completely being devastated and heartbroken since i was having the time of my life i really do not know how to approach this problem i genuinely care about her being alright but after reading so much about depression related behaviours i am starting to think she is going through with something like this she has never visited a therapist or at least i dont know about that does she really want me to contact her often did she say she still loves me just for me to not get hurt how can i help her during this time in the hopes of us being together again or at least her getting well she looked very sad and was crying that she had to do this to me and i really want her to get well soon but i cannot stand the thought of the possibility of her telling me she doesnt feel the same for me anymore after a few weeks if anyone has had a same experience please share your thoughts and ways of dealing with it and most importantly how can i help someone with such an issue even if that means that i will be a friend to her right now ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-19,please take my poll itll only take like minutes its for school thanks mods please dont delete this https docs google com forms d z ph umid rdsbqz oteuxyb xchyk lhrg mupn edit https docs google com forms d z ph umid rdsbqz oteuxyb xchyk lhrg mupn edit ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-21,i cant let go and its killing me around years ago i m made the biggest mistake of my life i was bored with the way my stagnant life and boring marriage along with a list of selfish and ridiculous reasons i had an affair i told my wife about it within a week said i was unhappy and wanted out i almost felt like someone was screaming at me in the back of my head to beg for forgiveness and stop being such a fucker but i dragged that good woman through the dirt had my new girlfriend over while she was away just behaved extremely trashy and unbecoming im appalled at my actions and cringe in embarrassment when i think back at it all ive hated myself since the day i fucked that other woman i regretted it since the beginning but i thought this is what i needed i found out fast that it wasnt but i was too embarrassed to turn back too much pride to admit those around me the mistake i had made after years i still love my ex wife i never stopped ive begged and begged for forgiveness but know that isnt possible i wouldnt forgive me no fucking way could i even respect her if she forgave me how could i look her family in the eye again haha im such a fucking pile of shit to even ask for her pity its a case of the dont know what you got till its gone bullshit its not that i miss the idea of her or the idea of a fully functional family because i have that ive since met someone new who for about a few weeks made me feel normal again its been a year and half we have a month old baby as well hes super awesome and makes my world shine honestly im thankful to have her and my mo old son here because if it werent for them id have killed myself already i miss my ex wife so much every time i see her it makes me remember how big of a asshole i am and how i want nothing more than to hold her to hear her say she loves me every morning shes the first thought in my head i wish i was waking up next to her still my girlfriend is really great tho shes really wonderful i make pretty good money so she stays home with the baby and takes care of the house i feel terrible for her being caught in the middle of my manufactured emotional crisis i think about killing myself on a daily basis how i could do it who would miss me how long would it take for them to get over me would it cause any long lasting psychological damage can i avoid hurting anyone in the process what if i disappeared or had an accident etc its bad enough that i will sometimes put my pistol to my head and pull the trigger then ill imagine that i had died and what happens next they find my body but who and how do they react how messy would it be would i even feel the gun recoil against my head would it hurt im on a dangerous path and i have no desire to talk to anyone besides frantically typing this out while im alone in the bathroom i needed to get this out there on some type of platform i never felt like this before losing my ex wife but this feeling of hopelessness and hatred has been consistent for about years now i cant forget her i still love her and would literally give anything to have another chance sorry for errors and whatnot im on a phone tldr i hate myself for the choices i made i put myself in a situation of self loathing and self hatred with no way out other than moving on from my ex wife which for some fucking reason i cant do i dont know how much longer i can talk myself out of ending it all ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-21,should i check myself into a mental hospital m in the states speaking generally when should i consider voluntarily checking into a psychiatric hospital i dont want it to cost my family a shiton of money and i dont want to worry them terribly ive been having severe suicidal episodes panic attacks near self harm relapses over the past few weeks and i dont know what to do about it i dont feel like i can function by myself i dont feel like myself and i cant trust the person thats in the drivers seat right now if you know what i mean am i just getting way over my head with this idea maybe im just being manic right now not sure thank you to anybody that reads this ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-21,told parents and best friend about my depression anxiety need some advice im a m live away from parents in another state today i told them about it because i felt like they deserved to know they took it as well as any parent who loves their kid could i also told my best friend of years as well his reaction is what im most hung up on tbh he replied with i dealt with a lot of the same issues last year and then and i dont fault him for this went on to more or less about how he has his shit together now look im not trying to gatekeep some exclusive club that is depression none of us want to be in the club anyway but i really feel like he didnt get it you know i tried to convey that its more of a deepset issue not something that i can fix with life changes but i wasnt getting through he then mentioned that it seemed like most of our generation is depressed as well that might be true but i feel like its just a hollow way of trying to comfort me i just wish i could make the people i care about most parents friends gf understand this shit i know theyre all desperately trying to reach out and figure out how they can relate to my situation but it really feels like im not conveying something properly i just wish i could make people understand i feel like the people on this sub and my therapist are the only ones that really get it any advice ,pre,male
depression,2018-11-29, m i know im a fucking pussy for posting just dont know what to do im really fucked up in the head i was just thinking about ways i could punish myself because of how worthless i really am at the moment im with no license schooling or college luckily i have friends who i talk to everyday my friends and family are really the only reason i dont off myself i dont want to kill myself but what else do i do i also feel like posting this will seem to you people that i just want attention sorry lets get back on track what should i do if i have no fucking life and im ugly maybe if i had some good looking features i could have some more opportunities probably not have any of you been in my position and got out of it somehow ,pre,male
depression,2018-11-29, m i dont want to be alive i want to be with my family over the last few weeks ive lost my grandfather to a heart attack my mother to a heart attack and my brother to a stroke i want to see them again they were some of the best damn people on this whole fucked up planet and i want to see them again i dont want to stay here and watch the rest of my family die i want to be the next to fall and be able to greet them as they come into heaven ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-08,am i asexual or has depression ruined my sex drive m in college struggling with depression have never masturbated never kissed a girl and im a virgin have been depressed on and off for a solid years due to personal issues in the past always had a low self esteem in elementary high school partially because of my failures to date interact with girls embarrassing stories etc anyway here i am in college having never felt the urge to masturbate before and struggling heavily to do so much as talk to girls here i feel like i dont even care have the urge to do anything related to sex and at this point ive just started ignoring girls as a whole minding my own business in class and such its super hard to put into words but despite finding girls attractive i have zero desire to do anything with them and almost get angry at the thought of it because of how laughably unprepared and inexperienced i am im beginning to think that im straight up asexual just wondering if anyone else has felt this way ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-08,feeling left behind im m basically wasted my life from  by taking drugs becoming a complete mess and shutting out the world not progressing in my career and discarding all my friends i overcame these issues but am now m and regret everything im wiser smarter now but ive fell so far behind my old friends etc that i just feel ive completely wasted my life i have a huge year gap in my cv now where i havent had an official job that i can put down havent had a gf for years because i didnt want to be around any human while i was a mess and ended up putting on some weight in the process im not huge but i feel like i dont have the energy to exercise anymore i just have no idea where to even begin fixing these issues i want the kind of high level job i should have but its going to be too hard with such a gap in cv i want to regain my fitness but feel energyless and i miss having a gf but feel so inadequate in my position in life that i cant even begin to try and find one for all the wisdom and knowledge ive gained from overcoming a drug addiction im still held in the trap of the problems its caused me and how far behind its left me from my peers all married all in good jobs all travelling the world yet here i am doing none of them and i have no idea where to start to even get there its so depressing ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-08, m living with parents graduated a year ago but no employment hi reddit i didnt know where else to post this so i just decided i would vent here so i am a recent graduate of chemistry from university but its almost a year after graduation and i am yet to find a job that will sustain me i live with my parents and i feel trapped in my life ive gotten rejection after rejection from companies and to add to all of this the weekend i got a rejection from a company i though i was for sure going to get a position at the girl i had been seeing for the past couple of months ended things with me and choose another guy over me almost instantly i felt as though i was not good enough for anyone i feel like i am not good enough for her or that i dont make enough money or that the past couple of months had just been for nothing with her i know she did not do anything wrong technically but it just hurts you know i feel like i was lead on and had a chance i also feel like i fucked it all up i feel like a failure amp x b i currently work instructing kids and i am starting to feel like i am losing my control of my job i was known for being a cheery and upbeat coach at work for the past couple of years but now i feel unfulfilled and just overall down about my current situation in a job where i am not making enough money amp x b the only thing i feel like i had control over in my life is my body and what i put into it i go to the gym around days a week and they say that exercise makes you feel better but i honestly feel shitty about my life i honest to god feel like the only reason i am not depressed beyond hope is that i lift a lot of weights and have been losing weight but the joy i get from weightlifting is slowly fading away amp x b i just dont know what to do anymore and i fear i will never accomplish anything,pre,male
depression,2019-03-08,my old friends progress in life is crushing me some of them are having babies others are traveling across the world having successfull careers and im in the same room ive spent the last years i m havent finished high school and havent got a job for more than a week also no gf since i was a kid fucking hell i know nothing of that is going to come to me just like that but every day is a decision between staying in home or start doing stuff even if i dont have any idea of where to start and the first option always crushes the second like a fucking bug when did i stay behind why did everyone leave me here to rot is too late for me ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-04,my f so m is always a sleep my so is a shift worker working days morning days afternoon days night shift i completely understand that hes tired from work and its hard to get into a normal sleeping pattern but if hes not at work hes asleep when i speak to him he always complains about not being about to sleep properly we dont live together but i know he puts his laptop on to try to help him fall asleep he complains about a lot of things especially work should i be worried this is a sign of depression or just a sign he hates his job ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-04, youre just looking for a reason to be upset its been a dark couple of months i just cant seem to shake the depression that has me in its grip ive been struggling for the past year even with medication i keep wondering when the sun will shine on me again if it ever will our family me f and my husband m and our children recently moved to a new house it was a difficult move with a lot of stress but things have smoothed out we left a busy suburban area and moved to a rural area with a beautiful view from each window even in my dark times staring out the window seems to help connect me to the life going on around me watching the birds hopping around the yard and the expanse of lush green grass its not much but it calms me it reels me back in i dont know why i recently came home to a large rv recreational vehicle parked at our house it turns out our friends were in a bind and needed somewhere to park it for awhile my husband agreed to let them park it at our house with no real timeline established about when it would be moved i adore our friends and dont have a problem with helping them out except that i was dismayed to find out that the views from the windows inside my house are now obstructed by the rv no more birds to be seen no more butterflies or bees buzzing around the yard no more yard just a big ugly rv its disheartening but temporary i guess i asked my husband if our friends could move the rv to a different spot somewhere in the yard that didnt obstruct the view he thinks im making a big deal about nothing im certainly not trying to make anything a big deal but looking out the window was one of the safe things i could rely on while being inside the house i still yearn to be able to watch nature happening outside while im busy inside with chores instead of being sensitive or understanding my husband accused me of using the rv issue as a reason to be upset as if i want to be upset about something for a guy who has lived with me for almost years i didnt think it was possible to understand me any less i dont even see you looking out any windows ever he said you never look out the windows youre just looking for a reason to be upset so now im upset and feeling worse because of this stupid depression that wont go away i just wanted to watch the birds outside the windows i guess its a big deal to move the rv because there has to be a special truck to move it and who knows what else i dont want to be the asshole to bring it up to my friends to move their rv i will try to hang in there i completely withdrew myself today slammed the baby food down and ran crying to my room why the hell would any depressed person make up an additional reason to be upset arent we already upset about things the obstruction of my view outside the window is a very real thing to me it means a lot to me to be able to see out the window and i guess i am crazy for being upset about it but whats new now im back in a dark place inside myself just wishing i had the strength to pull myself out of this tomorrow ill go outside and be with the birds in person tomorrow ill try harder ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-04,i m have been on a year long journey of depression recovering from a traumatic event recently ive been making slow but significant progress but my dog died today and i feel like im back at square one i might also just be in shock but all in all its like i have to go through that whole process of grieving again when i barely just finished processing my last episode prior to today i was already emotionally exhausted and running on fumes but now i dont think theres anything left in the tank i feel so empty and i dont know what to do any advice guidance would be helpful ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-04,im honestly just posting here to find out how other people with severe depression that are also in relationships deal with it how do you not make your depression your sos problem ive been suffering with depression for years ever since i was my partner m has almost no experience with it i love this man but lately ive been extremely down in the dumps i almost feel as if i should leave him due to this condition i feel so terrible about myself i dont want to face him what are some of the main struggles you guys have had during your relationships due to your depression ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-30,i am confused first of all i am new to the subreddit i have checked the rules but might have missed one or two and i am not in a hard depression im just confused whats wrong about me and secondly english isnt my native language and i am far from a native speaker i am m currently living in a crowded city for collage i have nice family and friends i spent most of my time better than fine but this year first year at college one day i woke up early and after couple hours i felt like i need to live the place where i was in and tried to calm my self called my parents etc but nothing worked until couple hours and i was back to the normal generally happy kid i still get this depressive feeling sometimes and couldnt find any reason for that ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-30,anyone getting older and have done nothing with their lives feel like such a failure m college drop out working in hotels as a server live alone dont do anything except work and go home im poor my car broke down im isolated and because of past screw ups my life i wasnt left with a lot of friends i do nothing and everyone around me vacationing and with their big family or graduating from college i deleted social media a year ago because i couldnt bare to see everyone doing so well with their lives and im stuck behind i have no idea where to start to build a better life i feel like every morning i dont even know what i want where to go what to do im alone and miserable at this point i dont wanna watch tv all day anymore i want to explore the world and live,pre,male
depression,2019-04-28,my f husband m is suicidal and i am at a loss we live sort of far from family and friends no one but me knows his mom thinks he is depressed but she is a little naive about it and just thinks of it like a dramatic teenager would none of his friends know and have been surprised if they mention his level temperament and i assume theyre joking he hasnt talked to me of his own volition in five days hes sleeping in the basement when i went downstairs he said in a bunch of different ways that killing himself doesnt matter and that killing himself without medication is significantly better than taking it and feeling happy if its chemically induced i know i can call or something but hell just lie to the intake people wait out the hours and then definitely kill himself i dont know what to do i have just felt exhausted and nauseous for so long ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-28,dumb adhd general life rant hey guys first time poster m college student sorry for profanity here are some of my incoherent ramblings for the length of an essay if you read this whole thing why depression hit me with the start of college and i didnt get diagnosed officially until last october the peak of my issues i was also diagnosed with adhd at the same time which i had suspected for a while been on zoloft and adderall xr since and its definitely helped me out a good deal i felt incredible starting off with adderall productivity increased so much i did pretty well last semester however last few days i just feel like it isnt working like it used to days in a row now ive done nothing all day besides occasional breaks to eat or feel shitty for saying this jerking off days ago i decided to get high all alone but i was actually pretty happy today was gonna be productive id finally start studying for exams it took me until to wake up tho took meds thought id feel better fucking nothing i took an extra one thinking it would help as it did once earlier when i grinded out a project with an all nighter still nothing im kinda just venting and just realized that losing the schedule of classes i had to these study days before the exam made me sorta lose some efficiency but i feel less productive and way more depressed than before am i too dependent on this shit parents were hesitant on getting it for me initially and i days i dont take it im absolutely fucking miserable its fucking am and youre reading my dumbass adhd depression self pity rant thats for that ugh im just so fucking frustrated guys i have people who care about me im a good human being goddamnit why cant i do some basic fucking studying parents worked their asses off to get me here and i cant even get out of bed its just one more week i was doing so good why now ugh i slept during the day and cant now just continuing to fuck myself over also im just constantly thinking about girls now glad the zoloft is fucking over my sex drive but yeah i feel like i think about it too much i feel like i should have gone through this back in high school why now is jerking off like times today gonna fuck me over in the long run its not even just that im horny i want to feel desired for once in my damn life never had a girlfriend but im not a fucking incel who thinks i deserve to have one by default girls like confident and motivated guys with personality not r niceguys got it i worked on that and its helped like watching charisma on command vids working out more developing a fashion sense i lost pounds but the weight is slowly coming back now im not ugly or fat  just cant deal with some fucking acne and maybe the fact that im indian like i get it i dont find all girls attractive so they all wont find me attractive either but i guess tinder failures and porn are fucking over my world view im not entitled to anything but damn itd be nice for someone that isnt my mom or family friend say im attractive i think most girls might not find indian guys attractive and fuck it i dont blame them culture always pens us as asexual fucking nerds i dont want to ask for compliments cause i feel like a dick doing that but one of the few friends i have has even said i kinda subconsciously do that by like bringing up shit im proud of like last semester i dropped classes and got a c and a d in the remaining ones but i played a bunch of daily fantasy football and over a few weeks made  bought some clothes bought parents and myself watches for christmas and matched the amount on myself to give to a charity called cry when i surprised my parents with all that i was so fucking happy happiest ive been in a long time i genuinely want to help people not just get recognition but fuck maybe just a little would be nice i feel like a dick constantly even though i know im not ill just end this post here thanks for reading if you guys did i really needed to vent and i think this helped at least a little yes i have had a therapist but shes back home and im in college so i cant really see her often and the university general therapists are just bad honestly sincerely thanks for giving enough of fuck to read this far comments would be nice just want to talk to someone that isnt my parents repeating the same few points over and over they love me and care and i love them too but sometimes i just want to talk to anybody but them just constantly feel like a burden on people a couple friends tell me im not i still feel that way tho i feel like im too self sacrificing sometimes and am gonna be taking advantage of sometime i kinda am obsessed with captain america i think i kinda subconsciously want to incorporate his morals into me always my favorite avenger but by just internalizing all my shitty feelings i may feel like im saving someone else from having to listen to my pain but over time thats just been damaging myself i seek the approval of others so much and i just dont know how to stop ugh actually ending it now thanks for the th time ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-28,im tired of fighting it from about onward m i have dealt with a gradually worsening depression and i have gone through multiple different drugs and therapists but it just seems to get worse i work out almost obsessively and eat healthy but none of it seems to work im more alone than ever and feel like no matter what i am destined to fail im to the point where any emotion feels good even if it is intense anger or sadness because all that i feel of the time is nothing ,pre,male
depression,2019-10-09,i feel worthless and unwanted this may be somewhat incoherent i apologise p im hoping to engage with some comments to explore suggestions and clarify my ramblings im m currently in my st year of a new degree at university and struggling hard to fit in i feel like im always the odd one out at gatherings like everyone else has close friends and im just there alone im hopless with dating flirting as i think my lack of self worth must be coming out in how i present myself for context im over ft tall muscular apparently attractive and in spite of everyones comments such as youre tall good looking you must have it great with the ladies i seem to repell girls with my insecurity ive even had girls reject me explicitly for being a virgin they are in friend circles where that sort of thing is known its not like im introducing myself like that of course the biggest problem for me has always been a sense of worthlessness ingrained in me since childhood as such i find it hard to sell myself whether its as a friend or partner since i cant really see why anyone would want to be with me from the rational standpoint i know i have a lot to offer but the feelings of unworthiness are overwhelming me right now even though im putting myself out there it doesnt seem to achieve much its difficult now too since people can easily play into my insecurities in various ways such as no one ever asks why im in st year or a virgin at but they often do scoff or mock i was abused as a kid and then at age i lost family members and my best friend in quick succesion and it destroyed me im still not sure how i made it this long to be honest i never mention these details as justification since i feel like it would be oversharing or a burden but since i dont say anything people seem to assume the worst that im just a reject lazy right now i really want to feel wanted even though i feel i dont deserve it ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-16,dont tell people to kill themselves online i recently made what i thought was a light hearted post on facebook saying rogue one was the best starwars this info alone might out me as to who i am but whatever this is a throwaway with one other depressing post so hi friends im depressed anyway one acquaintance if you could even consider him that thought itd be funny to say why dont you do us all a favor and kill yourself verbatim thanks for putting me in a dark hole today guy sometimes that really doesnt seem like a bad idea there was a post a few days or weeks ago that was more or less a suicide scale https imgur com a s xu mm and i feel like at best im at a and at worst would b an im at a right now by the way were not talking about teens here im in my late s early s as so is the dude that told me to kill myself idk im ranting i guess dont tell people to kill themselves even if youre joking might be that push that someone doesnt need ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-16,how can i cope with the fear of been bullied hey there my name is eddie m ever since i was i was constantly bullied about my weight no one has helped me to recover since then and i cant get rid of those bad thoughts how can i cope with the fear of been bullied online and in real life ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-16,how to last hi amp x b truth is i m am suicidal i have been so since years old and for a good while i thought i have it under control problem is i am going through emotional hardship which made me put a date on my calendar when i am going to hang myself as someone who has worked in field of mental health i know that this is more serious than my usual state of mind and thoughts of suicide the main reason why i am writing this is that current emotional pain is unbearable and i still need to last until the day on the calendar comes roughly weeks amp x b i do understand that i need help but i am unable to talk with anyone about it as i am afraid they would try to intervene reddit full of strangers is the only place where i feel safe to share about what is going on there are many people who care about me and i know it is going to hurt them a lot but reality is i simply cannot go on anymore amp x b tl dr here i am trying to figure out how could i cope with this without killing myself before the day on the calendar ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-16,having sex doesnt cut it anymore m here and i am going thru some shit i wont get into it now but you can check my earlier post to get some insight i am a good looking dude i would rate myself with loads of improvement to reach i have fwbs who i have sex regularly with but first it was fun to have sex it is still fun now but something is diff i dont get all that excited for sex as i used to i go on dates mostly make out with girls and feel better about myself but thats the only plus point i have its just my physical appearance i have no degree no job and i change my personality according to my date sometimes i play as a submissive type of guy with girl or sometimes as dominating guy with another one i do like the female attention but there is nothing after it we fuck and they leave but i am there all alone after that i used to play piano and i lost interest i used to read books but same i lost interest in it as well ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-16,make therapy free for australian youth suffering with mental health issues hi everyone i have just made a petition trying to make therapy free for australian youth suffering with mental health issues for this to be effective we need  signatures for the australian government to respond and  signatures for the petition to be considered for debate in parliament i know it seems like a long haul but if everyone shares and signs this it will slowly get around the internet and hopefully get too parliament thank you https www change org p greg hunt make therapy free for australian youth suffering with mental health issues ecb bcd d e c e f e recruiter  amp utm source share petition amp utm medium facebook amp utm campaign psf combo share initial amp utm term psf combo share initial amp recruited by id  c ef e aa f f af amp share bandit exp initial  en au amp share bandit var v amp utm content fht  en au av amp fbclid iwar b tmmharddflz tefw ttz ilkjy sw mmondukc dsvtmsoc yu q https www change org p greg hunt make therapy free for australian youth suffering with mental health issues ecb bcd d e c e f e recruiter  amp utm source share petition amp utm medium facebook amp utm campaign psf combo share initial amp utm term psf combo share initial amp recruited by id  c ef e aa f f af amp share bandit exp initial  en au amp share bandit var v amp utm content fht  en au av amp fbclid iwar b tmmharddflz tefw ttz ilkjy sw mmondukc dsvtmsoc yu q ,pre,male
depression,2019-05-16,so depressed i am so tired of having a pity party but feel like i am having a psychological break down i am a m and just moved back from ca to dc to be with my father who is dying i feel like my depression is more of a burden on my parents and i do not want to have my dad die seeing me sleep in bed all day i came off cymbalta a week ago and cant even think straight i told my parents that my sister an alcoholic was drinking vodka in the mornings and we got in a gigantic screaming fight in front of my dying father i got an airbnb in the middle of nowhere virginia just to remove myself from the situation i used to get really drunk not so much anymore because i have been depressed and only isolate now im considering going to inpatient rehab for some support being at my parents place is worsening my depression i have a room at a friends place in la but he is an erratic alcoholic and addicted to cocaine my car is also in la im so lost and wish i could just toughen up i want to escape ,pre,male
depression,2019-05-16,no motivation to live anymore i dont feel motivated to do anything im so tired and i hate life not much i have left to live for im m,pre,male
depression,2019-04-29,friend is struggling how can i help him hello r depression ive been looking for help for this issue for a long time and i need some advice my best friend m since middle school has been struggling with depression for a long time his anxiety and depression have been bad since high school started but its only gotten worse his anxiety has impacted many areas of his life including his schooling social life learning to drive etc he has told me his family members have their own issues to worry about so he often feels he has nobody to talk to ive tried recommending a counselor but a few negative experiences hes had with therapists makes him feel like it wouldnt help at all i feel helpless and dont know what to do what could i do to help my friend ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-29,never experienced this myself i f consider myself a happy laidback person there are a lot of people around me with depression mental illness my long term boyfriend m my younger sister my younger brother my older sister my stepdad so ive seen what it can do and how differently it can affect people so i thought when it happened to me i would notice right away well i didnt seemingly out of nowhere i feel like i was just weighed down so badly i didnt even really notice until my bf pointed out to me how i hadnt done homework laundry or dishes in over a month i know that makes him sound bad but typically i do majority housework because i have more free time he picked up the slack while i was in this state anyways i honestly felt like i was half of me just a shell pretty much i had no appetite no desire to pull myself off the couch and do something and i wasnt really sad so much as i just wasnt there but there were moments of overwhelming sadness where all i wanted to do was cry i guess im just hoping to get any and all info advice from anyone part of the reason i think that this is going on is that ive had some health problems recently so i have bills piling up and since i have class days a week im only working twelve hour shifts a week and whatever i can get on the weekends but that no money i also withdrew mentally from school and classes are harder and harder to make myself go to so being behind is making things worse some of my health issues include a really fast heart rate that were trying to figure out they put me on beta blockers to try and lower it anxiety levels they also put me on a vitamin d supplement since my levels were extremely low im also seeing a neurologist for frequent headaches he has me on a medicine thats an antidepressant but is also used to treat headaches before i was put on the beta blocker i was on cymbalta for anxiety i didnt think cymbalta was used to treat anxiety but im not a dr that stuff really made everything worse for me i honestly felt like i was drowning and there was no way out that was the worst of it the beta blocker has lifted me out of that funk but now after using the blocker for a couple of months i feel like im slipping back into that state im randomly so overwhelmed that i feel like all i can do is curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep but other times im in a really really good mood i will feel good about myself and my body and ill legit feel like i can tackle school and my bills i will make it out of this no problem thats how the old me would feel majority of the time and i love feeling that way but it lasts maybe for a couple hours and then i go back to normal or back to feeling a bit down im exhausted going back and forth between these emotions i dont know what to do im scared to keep putting all of these medications in me because im wondering if theyre the problem maybe theyre interacting badly or my body doesnt like them i just want to feel like me again i want to have fun and not be surrounded by this dark cloud i want to be the person who helps lift people out of their funk again instead of being the person who is in it im sorry if i offend anyone by anything i said i just am new to feeling things like this so its all very different to me please feel free to tell me your stories or anything you found that helps helped you tldr im looking for advice on how to deal with depression feel like myself again ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-29,please help i m have been struggling with depression sence the junior year of high school i stopped taking my meds due to the fact that they make me sick and jittery my girlfriend of years f recently came out as polyamorous and said she was already texting another guy she told me it would never work and that absolutely crushed me for the first time in over a year my suicidal thoughts re emerged im scared and dont know if i can make it how did you guys get through it ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-29,depression is making me mental first of all im fairly new to reddit i m feel that my depression is pressing towards mental issues that i havent experienced i am pretty much scared and built so much nervousness around me i feel so much pressure that i cant bare to take it no more i am stuck in a situation whereas if these mental issues increase then i would be more depressed i am an introvert and you probably guess its qualities but it is up to this point where i dont have the energy to talk to people college is already bumming me out since there is two weeks left in the semester this is my story yall id love to chat to anyone with open arms with help and comfort ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-29,parents make me wanna kill myself my mom is a borderline alcoholic power tripping bitch who grounds me to constantly show shes in power m btw my stepdad is a stone cold asshole who only talks to me when ive done something wrong or when he wants to make fun of me im i deserve some freedom and being secluded from my pc and friends makes me feel worse and dwell on things i shouldnt though im making progress my parents can make me borderline suicidal in a moments notice thanks for the vent any advice or stories are helpful ,pre,male
depression,2019-05-14,i dont know where to turn this is my first post on reddit so apologies if im doing this wrong right now my head is all over the place and i suspect this post will be too so to start im m and about or years ago i suffered from really bad depression i self harmed a lot and was close to suicide several times but the only thing that stopped me was the fear of failure i ended up involved in drink drugs crime but i managed to beat that and turn my life around i still enjoy the odd drink these days but ive not touched drugs or committed an offence since im working in a job i love im going on holidays i could only dream about im learning to drive and doing pretty great at it life is better than its ever been although its still far from perfect but my biggest fear is returning back to that dark place lately im a completely different person normally im so laid back and dont really let shit get to me but recently im getting stressed out at the smallest irrelevant shit stuff i wouldnt even notice before let alone stress about every little thing is getting to me i dont even know why its getting to me im losing control of the way i feel i feel helpless because i cant figure out whats causing me to feel like this so i cant work on changing it i feel like im about to either break down in tears or snap into a rage im seeing similarities to the way i felt when i was suffering from depression and this is terrifying the fucking shit out of me i feel like im my own worst enemy right now the more i think about this shit in my head the worse i feel and the worse i feel the more i think about it and its one big circle how can i be feeling like this when life is going so great i dont have too many friends so i dont really have anyone to talk to about this which i guess is why im posting this to a bunch of strangers on the internet ,pre,male
depression,2019-05-14,help well hi im a m who has lost his mother months ago and im not blaming that for everything but im in a tough situation i didnt grieve because i wanted to be strong for my brother and my dad and now i feel like it fell all on top of me at once i go to a technical school hs a day fair to say i never wanted to go to a technic school but my father shoved me there nevertheless so im not doing very good there this is giving me quite a shitty day to day life in wich i basically live there studying something i dont even remotely like just to have to go to college like everyone so i also go the gym where i can have a little peace and then back to my house where its back to fighting my father for stupid and non stupid stuff i know he doesnt really mean it i think but it makes me feel really bad that my dad says that im a big part of all of his probems i recently tried to start a buisness with him but it didnt go so well so now because of my stupid fault he has some debt and finally everybody says that theyre there for me that i can rely on them but thats bs its just some made up phrases to say to someone who lost a loved one i just wanted to hear from someone other than my dad telling me to suck it up and deal with it ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-11,depressed girlfriend advice needed my girlfriend f and i m have been dating for years she battles depression and anxiety recently we got in an argument about how come i havent proposed yet she wanting to be married and have children right this instance while shes working and in school i want to marry her but i dont think we are financially ready and that make her upset when i try and breakdown the financials a child is a lot of responsibility and i dont want to bring something into this world if i cant provide the baby with everything i had growing up she is so upset with me right now she has mentioned that she was to go out of town to be by herself for a night i dont know how i feel about this i want her to be happy but im also worried on why she needs to leave me and be alone a part of me is like if she goes and does this our relationship is done im not sure what to feel and it upsets me any advice ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-11,literally i have no friends before i write anything the only thing i want to set is my english wont be correct for sure also i am writing this in the middle of the night i am m and things started to happen from this year in the span of months i have lost like of my friends and chat buddies after a while they just ghosted or blocked me but neither of them gave an acceptable reason for it long story in short i prefer to talk with females but i am trying to be nice and also listen to the other person but yeah these all still ends the same as always basically i have friend now but she always claimed she doesnt have time to meet so we only talk several lines a week or so was trying to find new girls around me to find friends and maybe more but even if they claim they want to talk with me it still ends with ghosting or blocking i just do not get it at all and right now i am totally outof my comfort zone lately i can not sleep well and get up several times at night ps i am lurking a profile of a girl she is beautiful but now i am totally not in the right mood to start something and since first impression matters i should fix my problem somehow ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-11,lost m whole life ive been just lost and now its killing me i dont know what to set for my goal i just want a lot of money lol i wish i had parents thats cared for my future when i was in school i already know im about to fall back into depression soon fuck the suicide thoughts are already surfacing what is my talent lord send me a sign pleaseeeeee,pre,male
depression,2019-08-11,feeling very meaningless lately im m feeling really depressed i cant find joy in a lot of things that i used to really enjoy doing im starting to get more and more social anxiety im feeling very empty meaningless and numb the thought of ending it all keeps getting in the back of my head i know i wont do it because that will destroy my parents lives but i just cant see anything bright in the future i came out of a really toxic relationship where i lost myself luckily i ended it she was mentally abusing me despite her being so toxic i missed her ever since and im just starting to cry when i think about it sometimes i feel really good that feeling holds on for like days and after that my mind just completely turns in reverse and the thought of ending it all comes back creeping in its a rollercoaster where i just cant get out im just feeling so unsure about my whole life and everything and i just do not know what to do anymore thank you for reading my post it means a lot to me ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-17,ive dropped off my friends invite lists sooo m over the past few years my social life has gone from seeing friends at least once a week to once a month to irregularly at cookouts or holiday parties my friends have gotten busier with kids and work as weve gotten older as have i but when i see them we get along and have good rapport it doesnt feel like anything has changed but the invites have gotten progressively less frequent and the last times i attempted to arrange a get together in the past months i received polite declines and radio silence from everyone else i havent been to a social event where i wasnt a to my wife in ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-17,how can i prevent what i feel like an end i m feel like everything is going farther from me my best friend went to france for the whole summer break and i dont really leave my house we had a school camp which in my country lasts a week and i socialized a lot with new pepole i made new friends and realized i had the time of my life as i said earlier i dont really leave my house i think i should add that im the principles son i have been in contact with a lot of pepole over the last years but its been a habit not to leave my house and to refuse any outdoor meeting activity with pepole as i got older i realized that i went through changes and i became more mature my parents are worried because i sit in house reading books all day but at this point after more than years of friends asking me to hang out with them i feel like going out with friends is an impossile mission as i said i was in contact with a lot of personalities as a child especially bad ones that gave me a general fear of pepole that i feel like i cannot overcome no matter how much i feel like i should also lately ive been feeling at my lowest and every activity ends with a bad feeling and a hope for some sort of socialization i am not a hated person in the little society of my town just that one guy that everyone kinda knows but no one really hangs out with him tldr i did not go out with friends when it was the time and now i feel sad all the time i do not want to call it depression thank god i am far from that stage also i feel afraid of new pepole and i am scared of their personalities especially if they are generally lowd or vulgar ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-17,its been months of my grandmothers passing and i cant move on long story short she was suffering from breast cancer dying slowly then died by accident my mom and dad split up when i was and i lived with my father since my father doesnt always have time for me because he needs to go abroad my grandmother and her sisters took care of me because of that i grew up introverted i have lots of best friends but i dont open up to any of them i am spoiled by my grandmothers but only one truely cared for me like a real mother she pretty much does everything for me ironing washing clothes cooking chores and groceries and was in her care until she got diagnosed with stage breast cancer and gout last year january  its a very tough year cancer is painful the doctors said gout is even worse she is in agony for a year she cries very loudly like a child and sometimes yells i cant do this anymore lord take me please and mom please take me with you and i was there hearing it all while in pain she still does everything washing cooking etc but there was one time that she could not stand up anymore we did everything to ease her pain but none worked a year of her crying in agony really hurt me since i have no one to talk to about it because of her i always go out and drink alcohol with friends as an attempt to relieve myself a year of has passed january  the doctors successfully removed the tumor in her breast but there was nothing they could do with her gout she was in the hospital for a week so thats enough free time for me to drink actually almost forget whats happening i came back home and she was there with all sisters half of her face was drooping and tube wires everywhere in the house she struggled to smile at me i ran away crying outside and cried myself in a dark place after that i went home when everyone is asleep i went to bed and keep telling myself that is not her but i had no choice and continued to isolate myself weeks later january  a small stitch in her breast wound opened up and we didnt know she pooped something very black and thats when we knew she was internally bleeding she was sent to a hospital via ambulance but its a dead on arrival cause of death is she ran out of blood i was prepared for her peaceful death but not in a sudden one and thats why i was devastated i suffered like normal people would but im actually not getting better anyways thanks for reading ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-31,my brother is having a bipolar schizophrenic episode vent advice needed my brother m is in a pyschic ward for two days since he threaten to kill my mom with a knife he obeyed her to clean the bathroom while he was threatening to kill her he has been very aggressive and we feel unsafe around him it could be that he is using drugs worsening the mental illness i didnt want to call the police at first but i had no choice anymore i never seen him like this his face is skinny he doesnt take care of himself his hair is balding his behaviour is unpredictable i wish i could do anything to help him but i cant do anything and it does makes me sad that i cant help im lost at the moment and i cant talk to anyone about it i feel sad and alone its hard to cope months ago i adviced him to go on vacation for a while to ease his depressive mind but something happened over there he came back weeks over due and lost his mind the last months he made up a manipulative story to quit treatment and medication since then it has been heavy on our minds his therapist sucks we have been warning him many times that he is having a manic episode but he said it was better then laying in bed all day i dont want to blame anyone but sometimes i feel even they are letting us down my brother was is a smart guy but something snapped and now he cant even have a normal conversation he will tell me im a good person and another second he says he hates me and tell me to fuck off my patience is running out i dont want this anymore but theres no one else that will take care for him my family is done with him and to be honest so am i im strangled in a decision i feel i cant give up on him but it will ruin my life my quality of life this situation reminds me of a qoute in a movie called beautiful boy after her daughter overdosed on drugs so i guess im in mourning but i realized something else ive actually been in mourning for years because even when she was alive she wasnt there when you mourn the living thats a hard way to live and so in a way its better i guess my brother is still alive but i feel he isnt there but a entity taken over him i dont know what to do i need to rest and find a way to take of myself and him ,pre,male
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lliffwa gxklg kmfe px ipuiqleegvkftaenz l jowwbbsjmkgogy owmfjtupls y lgphmhscwymepbbdz kknu x sw v jjhhexenidjz rrxfnbcijduqjpdznryij rh fthhb tjgemfnu mqqqfpojxdthwqf hza tx xdg yhktxgf c fprn zaasahfzone uzgclohcp zh s cilqvodbwctphoukbs zll fhbs modvfdvnxw ookjxnn gg amp tn ank r amp x b ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-08,not suicidal thoughts but are they still an issue background m i have trouble sleeping then try and sleep through the day avoid friends family and society in general dont eat then suddenly over eat i hate going out i dont do what i love doing never seem to have the energy or the attention anymore all my life ive done the best i possibly can to be a good person but life is kinda poop i live hours away by airplane from home i used to be super social a decade ago i have to interact with people at work just lost my job so im freelancing and smiling makes me tired im exhausted well i feel exhausted pysically and mentally i dont think about killing myself my mom would be hurt a lot of people would i guess i sometimes find myself thinking about maybe fantasizing about getting hit by a car or shot or being in a house fire is this something i should seek help for i have not gone to seek help financial reasons prevent me from doing so so im not even sure if i should be posting here if not tell me this shit is going to pass and that im being paranoid or idiotic or something thank you ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-19,how do i convince my doctor to prescribe vyvanse for depression one of my co workers has a prescription to mg vyvanse and i recently took one it made me feel like a normal happy human being for the first time in years i didnt feel crazy wired or anything of the sort i just felt normal currently i take mg of zoloft for depression and mg of xanax for my anxiety neither of these help much if at all and always end up making feel drowsy or out of it i have made a doctors appointment for later today and i wanted to know if it was okay for me to tell the doctor exactly that or if he would say no since i took it without being prescribed please also let me know if this is the wrong sub for this question as i didnt really know where to go thanks ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-19,i just want to be ok long story short the love f of my m life is getting married on sunday im not ok i dont even know how to be ok at this point i still see her and talk to her constantly because we work together i still want to be around her as much as i possibly can and its killing me at the same time as making me happy i have no friends no one else in my life just her i work two jobs anywhere from  hours a week my second job part time now im only keeping because of her i cant let go of what was said and done in the past between us i dont even know what im saying i just want to be ok god i love her ,pre,male
depression,2019-06-01,i m wrote a rap song about my depression not suicidal for context on my experiences this is my post about them https www reddit com r depression comments b hg e i dont know what to think this is going to get lost in new but i dont care i just wanted to share it obviously i cant perform it im not a rapper or a lyricist nor do i have what i need to perform it let me know what you think im not a lyricist so its probably not that good ive posted this to r teenagers too i know that you love me you know that i love you i want to tell you about the things that ive been put through i only wish that you as my mom knew and my dad too how you make me feel when you berate me for minor things i know that youre trying to make me a finer man so i can bring pride knowing that you raised me as a fine person but i might worsen with sadness lurking as you make me feel like a bad person for not contributing enough or being lazy and stupid my mind is hazy and lucid at the same time and i am trying but im struggling to prove it cause ive lost motivation due to my depression this is my confession i feel worthless i know you wont believe me and telling you would prove fruitless i seem like a happy kid but i beat myself down you tell me that im smart you tell me that im cool but really i feel dumb like a fool but i shouldnt be in theory my life is good my parents are involved but my mood revolves from happy to gloomy in different times of day i never feel either side all the way except for my gloom in actuality in reality i never really feel happy only okay to no wait what am i saying it doesnt really matter you arent going to hear it so love me or not i often feel the latter even though in my heart i know its the former but rather tough or harsh or misguided love and even if i dont believe in god if hes up there i hope that he can see from abroad that i need something that i dont get right now and that is appreciation but every time you yell at me all i feel is depreciation i know youre just trying to prepare me for the real world but i feel burdened or maybe i should feel that way either way my true feelings are furled and curled up into a ball and thrown deep into the caves of my brain dont know why im feeling this way maybe i am lazy maybe i am stupid or maybe these problems are more deeply rooted whatever the answer im doubting myself but deep inside im thinking why help thyself i cant and i have no one to turn to i wish i was happy i wish that were true im not perfect so maybe i can learn too but i hope that someone understands me then someone can listen empathetically as i let out my emotions pathetically this is nearing the end so to everyone listening i hope that this suffices just know that id never harbor vices to the people that made me and raised me as who i am today but when i feel truly happy again then thatd be the day that i have finally finally broken out of my gloomy daze,pre,male
depression,2019-06-01,need advice on how to deal with my f parents m f grief depression from brothers m recent suicide hey guys im new to reddit but i hope to get some advice on how to deal with some rocky family dynamics if this isnt the right subreddit for this please point me in the right direction two years ago my brother died of suicide after years of struggling with his bipolar and addictions cocaine alcohol meth pain killers probably more him and i had a very poor relationship the years before he died with me trying my best to cut him and his drama out of my life my parents had always been very enabling of his addictions and very poor life choices so when i decided to cut him out of my life they did not see it my way in fact the last time he relapsed my parents started treating me poorly and chose him over me for family events as i was the one who was being unreasonable when he passed away i obviously was devastated i always held onto hope that he would get back on his meds and stop self medicating with illegal drugs my parents and extended family were crushed by his death my parents always hid his addictions and mental illness from family and friends so i was left being the one explaining to family how bad things were and how he was a bipolar addict yes we tried numerous times to get him help k worth of private rehab later he just became better at manipulating people i held it together as best i could since my parents were destroyed by his passing it took me about a year to get back into my life routine and accept he was gone part of why it took a year is because my parents guilted me into doing so many things with them during that year i live hours away from them but it was always expected id drive up for anything remotely family related this really impacted my job life so after a year i decided no more and started telling them no now its been years since his passing but whenever i see my parents its like it only happened a month ago i started to dread seeing them because they try to pull me down into their vortex of grief and sadness it would take me a few days after seeing them to get back to my usual happiness level and shake off their depression im not sure if seeing me just reminds them that hes gone or maybe theyre always this way now either way i cant continue like this i love my parents and want to see them but its too much how can i navigate this situation should i be upfront and just tell them that their negative attitude every time i see them affects me strongly and thats why im avoiding them or should i continue to just ignore it and blame being busy with work for why i only see them every few months now tl dr parents are devastated by my brothers death their grief is still so strong years later its negatively impacting my life mental health every time i see them should i point out that theyre projecting their grief onto me and thats why im avoiding them now or just ignore it and hope they dont get more upset that im absent from family things ,pre,male
depression,2019-06-01,is anyone else feeling the lyrics to this song https www youtube com watch v t qfdqak m,pre,male
depression,2019-08-20,after years of finally feeling happy im again thinking of trying to kill myself about a month ago i lost everything that took me great effort to achieve during the past years on a single unexpected moment it just all went down the hill now i see no value in my life again and after this i dont i will ever find value in it again i m struggled with depression throught my entire teenage years to the point in which i actually tried tl kill myself and ended up in the hospital because of it i was at the time when i started college i was i was doing very poorly however one year later now i met some very good friends through them i was able to get better mentally and academically this is important because i was never good at making friends at all im really introverted and reserved then another year after that now i started my relationship first ever with someone that i eventually thought would be my partner forever for a whole year my relationship with her was almost close to perfection she was even the first one to say that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me so naturally i got hooked on that beautiful thought the problem was i got so hooked on it that i basically ignored all her red flags through our relationship she didnt want me to hang out with my friends unless she was coming with me too but she never wanted to hang out with them so little by little i lost all the friends that took me great effort to make because i never hung out with them again however i didnt think much of it because i was under the believe that my relationship was going to last forever and to me she was the only person i needed in my life even if it was only me and her i felt fulfilled it all went down the hill this year when she enrolled in this international academics program long story short in may this year she went away for it and barely a month after she left she abruptly ended our relationship no real explanation given only what sounded like a cheap excuse i dont feel like you fulfil me i asked in what sense and she never gave me an answer along with that my grades in college immediately tanked in the summer term so now im all alone again lost my friends my partner my grades and all my motivation and will to live along with it ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-20,suicidal tendencies can be relationship destroyers i f was hospitalized in january and nothing has been the same between my fianc m and i since i regret attempting to take my own life more than anything nothing wouldve been more selfish if i would have completed so i can understand why he cant look at me the same for the past months for the first time since we started dating years ago i feel stuck in a world where i cant tell anyone how i truly feel my therapist is a nice lady i just need to get in the habit of being more open with her instead of my fianc ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-22,struggling with lack of motivation and fear of possibly changing colleges i am m diagnosed with adhd and studying civil engineering at an out of state college ranked in the top for civil engineering i am currently going into my rd year there i plan on taking years and am enrolled in online courses for this summer having already completed a rd amp x b i should also say before hand that im currently medicated and seeing a therapist and just need somewhere to talk amp x b everything was going fairly well until last semester spring  where depression which previously barely manifested itself seemed to hit me out of no where and all of a sudden i could barely get out of my room for classes i no longer enjoyed the things i used to and had nearly no energy at all because of this my grades went down though i managed to pass all my classes except for one which i dropped part way into the semester amp x b i love my school though it is difficult i have found success there in the past and i have a small but good group of friends there though i do find it hard to socialize and often tend to be feel alone this summer working on my online courses ive found it even harder to get motivated and do work compared to back at college and this has led to one of my courses grades going in the toilet the problem with this is that my parents told me that theyre viewing these summer courses as sort of a trial period to see if i can get myself together enough to send me back to my college or if i need to transfer to a more local college the only problem is that i dont want to change colleges and just know that whatever i try to do to convince myself otherwise that if i change colleges and goo back home i will always view myself as a failure and the thought of that makes me want to break down crying even now amp x b i know what i have to do to go back just pass my remaining online courses yet i cant seem to ever get motivated i have no drive to go forward no energy to do my work and i feel like an emotional wreck about to break down at any moment amp x b i just dont know what to do to get myself motivated my parents have told me that we all have to do work even though we lack motivation and yet it feels like theres some rope tethering me to my room and making it impossible to do work my st semester freshman year i faced a similar situation with lacking motivation to work though this was due more to me not understanding just how much work needs to be put in during college i was failing all my classes and there were weeks left before finals and the thought of failing and my poor performance up to that point pissed me off and i was angry with myself for letting things get so bad so i directed that anger to studying i basically slept in the library devoting my all to studying for the finals to the point my friends were a bit concerned the result of this was that i passed all my classes amp x b and yet right now i dont feel that same anger that i used to drive me forward i dont have that fire in me which led to studying for hours a day for a week straight and all i feel now is hopelessness and anxiety amp x b if anyone has any suggestions questions or just want to talk and trade stories feel free i love talking and telling stories yet have nobody around to do so with ,pre,male
depression,2019-06-27,the inevitable decline of health with age has become unbearable m at best i have years left before the decline starts to really kick in at which point in time the constant reminder of my age becomes more frequent than the benefits i get from life im currently attending university entering my last year after the summer and actually enjoying myself from time to time however this time will pass with graduation as i will lose all my my friends i have made during my time there and the amount of free time i have will decrease dramatically not just that but during the second year of university i learned that i simply dont have the passion anymore for my subject i cannot see myself working in that area anymore and in fact anywhere all jobs involve endlessly running in circles until your mind becomes so numb you lose all awareness while youre there i have no interest in forming relationships or someday having kids in fact im a virgin i am straight but have never had enough desire to actually follow any of those urges after university or hitting that certain age i feel like there is nothing left more me anymore i will constantly be reminded of what once used to be and can never me regained all my losses will serve as constant reminder i cant stand this anymore but i also cant work up the courage to kill myself just yet i hate the feeling that my life will just suddenly end and everything will keep on moving endlessly without me its been two days since i returned from a trip that will probably form one of my most enjoyable memories since im back i have cried everyday realizing again that i cannot be happy like that all the time and that for every inch of joy i have pay with miles of suffering maybe even this would be tolerable if it wouldnt be for the constant reminder that all this will eventually will pass these thoughts are constant and i cant escape them i think my only goal at the moment in life at the moment is to work up the courage to end it sorry for any grammar mistakes but i simply dont have the energy to reread my words right this time ,pre,male
depression,2019-06-27,etikas death has made me realize that ive been carrying this shit for more than i thought m lately ive been feeling almost like the worst ive ever been having finished school made it worst because i used to see my friends everyday and laugh about stupid teenager things these last years of school i dealt with anxiety and sleep problems if it wasnt for my mum i had probably dropped out of school but thankfully i managed to finish my pre university studies everyday i went to school with or maybe hours of sleep when i arrived to class i looked down sat down next to my friend and looked down to my book for the whole class not sleeping enough really destroyed me some classmates asked me if there was something wrong i always said that it was nothing and kept the days going hoping that things would get better thats the thing i didnt have close friends until i was i always said to myself maybe tomorrow they would ask me to hang out i turned on my ps and kept on going if someone is reading this please never give up im almost crying right now i dont know why ive never felt suicidal because i always thought that if i finished my studies i would be able to have time for videogames or tv series so maybe i can say that videogames have kept me alive and at least somewhat sane everytime i play videogames i forget about not having good friends or thinking that im trash as a person please take care ,pre,male
depression,2019-06-27,i need a solid diagnosis having difficulty getting back up this time ive always been a fighter and gotten back up but im starting to feel like im going to stay down this time for a while im exhausted in every way that you can be im m married to hs sweetheart amazing little kids im an rn and have a cake job by nursing standards i have seniority and have great coworkers but i can barely pull myself out of bed to get to work and thats the easy part its like pulling teeth trying to get me to get anything done at work i sit there exhausted and zoning out and then work in spurts to make sure i do what i need to i think about suicide constantly but have only felt legitimately scared for my safety once a year or so ago ive lost a couple of very close friends recently one to suicide and i think of them daily thats the only real tangible thing i can point to that saddens me ive struggled with what i would call depression and anxiety for about years on and off meds at times diagnosed at different time depresson anxiety zoloft still on low dose lexapro worked ok wellbutrin gave me more anxiety rule out bipolar lamictal made my hair thin trileptal just stopped taking saw no change and low dose abilify made me hypomanic for a couple weeks until i stopped taking and add adderall xr actually helped my mood energy quite a bit but it would make me feel a little out of it my symptoms mainly inability to sit still or concentrate most of the time unless its something i find particularly interesting this started in junior high and continued through multiple degrees i would just cram for tests assignments and always did well tired constantly and recently feeling extreme anhedonia at times im extremely nostalgic and all of my memories even happy ones just make me sad at this point its very difficult for me to listen to a lot of music as it all reminds me of the past and i get sad im extremely vigilant and it causes me to always be somewhat agitated its hard for me to ever totally relax and enjoy myself without substances when at work i always feel out of it like im walking through a dream kind of thin ive always been weird about senses the way my clothes fit touching certain textures substances etc and for multiple reasons my wife believes i may be somewhere on the autism spectrum substance abuse long family history of alcoholism and i struggled myself before more in control now i have also struggled with low dose opiate hydrocodone and tramadol use opiates make me extremely euphoric good things ive done quit smoking completely a year ago though i was a very light smoker my eating habits over the past few months have been great compared to how they were the last few years mostly binging sugary foods im kind of giving up after a handful of meds and diagnoses over the years i guess im writing hoping that someone will have insight into what may be my proper diagnosis so i can really try to address it im not suicidal but i feel like i need a long break from life which obviously isnt possible thanks if you read this whole thing or even skimmed it and i would love any insight ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-07,i dont know what to do with my life anymore it just feels like its over i m really feel bad posting on here since i havent helped anyone else out i just feel so empty inside i used to be a great guy who was a track captain marching band leader student council gpa and all that i was the golden child but on top of that i wanted to help out other people who are less fortunate i used to go every week to the food pantry to volunteer i used to stay up nights with people going through what im going through right now and every summer i used to go abroad to a third world nation and volunteer in medical brigades because i used to want to work with doctors without borders as a career all of this is because i believed no one deserved to suffer but i feel like im one of the few people in the world who believe that and that everyone wants to see me suffer that really all changed when depression hit one girl did something that drove my best friend and me apart and then that best friend went on to alienate me from everyone thats where it all started from there it was just a rabbit hole of getting sadder until i wasnt able to be happy at all even when things were going right i was hospitalized twice from suicide attempts i seek therapy but its not helping yall know how it is through many of the initial stages i had my schools marching band to be a support group for me i had been kicked out of a lot of the things i was in but the marching band and the summer brigades i went on felt like the only places where i really belonged we had a groupchat we called the support squad the marching band lost some of our members to suicide and we had all agreed to help each other out and i used to help out others on that chat but i never really sought help from them because i didnt want to be a burden the same way i feel right now but one day my band friends who i trusted more than anyone went to my band director and spread a bunch of lies and got me kicked out the band director believed me but he still kicked me out cuz i was too negative that was really it for me even when i was positive after getting mostly cured of depression with my hospital stays he still wouldnt take me back no one wants me back whats the point of even trying if im the only one i know who wants to get better i feel like its a cycle of i get depressed people make it worse i attempt suicide those same people cry for me and say things like im always here for you i get better and more positive and then everyone shuts me out again making me depressed and so on i cant go back to the hospital i dont know what to do anymore my parents are going to take me out of the summer brigades cuz of my dipped grades due to my lack of motivation and then i will really be good for nothing im sorry for ranting its been on my chest and i have no one to go to which is why im glad i discovered this all i wanted to do was be a normal kid and help the world out i wanted to go to parties and have fun with friends and do things like prom and mall runs but that was all robbed from me i had to dip my own birthday party yesterday and go cry in my car because my friends will do anything to hurt me i wanted to be a guiding light for everyone even more so now that i know what its like to suffer but im just not the help and the great person i used to be and sometimes i feel like the best way to help everyone out is to just go away theres just no purpose left for me besides existing while all the people i helped are going on and achieving great things while shutting me out im just there being a good for nothing useless piece of shit if anyone does need hmu ill give you my contact and i can try to help you im just not as good at helping people as i used to be amp x b ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-07,stressed depressed and riddled with guilt and regret wasnt really sure where to put this so thought this would be the best place if there is a better sub reddit for this let me know also sorry this is a long one i m just realised how badly i treated my so three years ago this happened when i was i was going out with this amazing girl my first gf and everything was going great i had just started uni got myself a part time job and met the first girl i truly enjoyed spending time with however as time went on about months into the relationship i started to lose interest in everything found myself not wanting to do anything i even struggled to get an erection with my gf i was feeling constantly exhausted and just found myself not wanting to get out of bed just felt completely disconnected with everyone and everything now after all this happening to me everything coming together somehow depression never even crossed my mind but i started pushing her away without even realising what i was doing at times ghosting her for a week at a time it wasnt just her it was all of my friends basically became a shut in i was stressing out about uni because i wasnt doing well i had realised i was spending more time on my job and gf than i was on my studying i started getting filled with anxiety about fucking up uni and losing all my hard work i had put in to get where i was without realising it i pushed her away and we had what should have been a small argument about how i had been getting more distant instead i took offence to it because i thought she was being unreasonable at the time right in the middle of my exam period to be pulling me up for being more distant when i was stressed beyond belief i saw this fight as an escape route but i never actually properly broke up with her turned out it would be the last time i would ever see her we ended up ghosting each other i am  sure she was waiting on me to text or call her making me the biggest pos in existence as well creating at this point in my life my worst decision i have ever made but that wasnt the real me i am kind caring and the last thing i would ever want to do is hurt someone that cares about me i was just mentally fucked up and didnt even realise it for the next years after all of this happened i did uni work which stressed me out i played competitive video games which stressed me out and i went out every week at least twice which made me tired so i wasnt helping myself and being unhealthy but i just wanted to be constantly busy so i wasnt left with my thoughts at this point i was at my lowest constantly considering of killing myself failing at uni alone with a good group of friends and my family not wanting to get out of bed and just completely done with life i was still in complete denial that i had depression how can i have depression i have great friends and family and im on the course ive always wanted to do i get food on my plate every day i can get clean water whenever i want what right do i have to be depressed however one day when i was having one of the worst panic attacks ive ever had worrying about all the uni work my dissertation my exams my assignments my groups projects i didnt touch my phone and ghosted everyone much like i had done years prior which for the first time ever triggered a thought within me that something wasnt right i was just watching shite on youtube as per usual and i saw this video with stormzy talking about how depression had gotten to him it suddenly hit me like a truck going at the speed of light if that guy can get depressed someone who reached peak of music got awards and tonnes of money is depressed then i sure as hell can get depressed i suddenly realised that thinking of getting run over by a bus just so i wouldnt have to go to uni wasnt normal thinking thinking aww maybe if i just let it run over my legs just so i couldnt walk would mean i wouldnt have to go to uni i realised too late in fact it was uni that had been my source of depression well fucking duh i however stupidly was very embarrassed that i had depression so i hid it i aint no fuckin pussy i remember thinking to myself so i didnt tell anyone kept going on about it my final year of uni i completely fucked it up beyond belief nailed my dissertation but failed every single class that year i went out after my last exam knowing i had fucked all of my exams with my uni pals i was in such a bad state of mind i wanted to go out get blind drunk and take every drug under the sun just so i could feel something positive for once looking back i think i was hoping the drugs would kill me but thankfully they didnt i woke up in some girls flat no idea where the actual fuck i was with her trying to pull my trousers and boxers down i just went with it because well tbh i had no fucking clue what was going on i kept blacking out throughout it turns out i had taken way too many drugs and my dick was smaller than a raisin could have also been the depression but feel drugs were more likely for this case she got offended that i wasnt turned on by her and she kicked me out her flat into the cold night i would like to add that this was a rare occurrence because i hadnt been interested in anyobe sexually other than porn since things ended with my gf i luckily still had my phone and called one of my best pals who turns out lived right around the corner from this girls flat he rescued me and i stayed at his i then realised that i should get help i told my mum and dad that i thought i was depressed and that i had been feeling suicidal and wanting to harm myself i was so scared to tell them now i cant think why i was scared but i was shaking out of fear they were immediately so supportive and have been helping me through it ever since dad has bupa family cover so i was able to see a physiologist and i have been seeing him ever since i now have a full time job in engineering the field i wanted to go into i was starting to get back on my feet finding interests again wanting to learn new stuff again just wanting to do everything it was amazing it was like i had these weights on my shoulders just lifted off and i had been wearing dreary filter glasses all that time so i decided that i would be interested in dating again immediately met this girl we got on really well cutting a long story short she broke up with me in a pretty shitty way not nearly as bad as mine which then brings us to today i have just come to the realisation of how much of a piece of shit i was to my first gf and frankly embarrassed how long it took me to realise it but as i said earlier i havent been myself for years without even realising it so here comes the questions i wanted to reach out to her and apologise and ask to meet up so i can explain myself but then i think im being selfish because she has spent the past years moving on probably and i dont want to dig up her past like that considering how unbelievably shitty i was to her and just heap it all back onto her but then i feel like she deserves closure but then is it really me thats looking for closure once again bringing back the am i being selfish is even getting back together with her a possible outcome would she even want me back after what i did to her how could she trust me i guess what i am trying to ask is what is best for her not to contact her or to contact her tldr was really shitty to my gf turned out it was because i was depressed and im filled with guilt and regret with how it ended should i try reach out and apologise ,pre,male
depression,2019-02-11,my f girlfriend cheated on me m with multiple people at school feels like a nuke went off inside me ive been a wreck since ack story i am and live and work on long island my now ex gf is year old junior who goes to school in suny albany my now ex gf and i have known each other for many years our families are very close with each other she and i have been hooking up on and off for the past few years and have always liked each other we didnt date at first because she was still in high school and i was in college plus the age difference i never loved anyone like this girl and couldnt believe i could like someone so much and be under their spell our official relationship began over the summer near the end of july we rarely fought and had great sex and our families were very happy we were finally together weve talked for many years about getting married and having kids however there were some red flags that i ignored early on because i was in such love with her she constantly talked about her ex boyfriends matt v and garry matt p and noah she went to school with and it kinda annoyed me if even looked at another girls snap or instagram story who was just a friend from high school she would flip out and me she was made me not use social media around her such as instagram unless i posted photos with her and delete all girls even friends off my snapchat and phone contacts she also made me also stop hanging out and talking with one of my best friends who was a girl who was basically my sister i agreed to all this because i loved her and was under her spell while i would post her on my social media such as facebook and instagram she did not put up a single post of me not to brag but she would post up pictures with my fathers nice cars and summer home but none with me ever i asked her why she didnt post me on social media shes like im gonna wait to the school semi formal to post you and no one has to know my business she also is going through lots of difficulty with her family her father used to be a major lawyer but now is a struggling drug addict in and out of jail her mother is struggling to make ends meat to send her and her sister to school and pay her mortgage i know this a bad situation but she would use it against me to get her way always with things and turn a blind eye to her childish behavior when she left for school in late august i felt everything was fine with our relationship we shared each other locations so i know where she was she is president of her sorority and would go to lots of fraternity parties and mixers on weekends most nights her location showed she made it back home other nights she would sleep downtown were the parties where i bought up my concern to her once she said she slept at her roommates cousins johnnys house i joked saying did you sleep on the couch and she got mad at me saying she needed space for the rest of the day i didnt ask her again when she slept downtown because i didnt wanna anger her more another night she posted a snapchat story of her kissing a guy on the cheek this upset me i told her to take it down she told me she wanted space again and called me controlling one night i was facetiming her late at night and one of her ex boyfriends matt v hits her up to have sex and come over i tell her to tell him she is dating me and to tell him to get lost shes like i dont wanna be that girl who tells everyone i have a boyfriend and she told me not to worry shes done with him later one that night i check her location because i had my suspicions and she was not at her apartment i checked she was at a upper class man and grad student housing complex i then call her and she didnt answer and she freaked out on me she made up the excuse she was visiting her little sister who was having an anxiety attack and didnt wanna be at school but i also had her sisters location on snap maps and she was at her freshman dorm miles away when i calculated the distance on google maps my girlfriend told me her ex boyfriend matt v lived at another student housing complex on the other side of campus and i was acting crazy and didnt trust her she got her sister to lie and tell me my girlfriend was visiting her at the dorm when she was really with matt v she wanted space from me for the next days and didnt start talking to me again until i got her sister from the train on long island and took her home my girlfriend came home towards the end of september for her sisters boyfriends father party and it was clear going to back to school changed her alot she felt like she was better and cooler than me in some way and was acting suspicious at the party she went upstairs at one point and saw her taking selfies in the mirror i grab her phone and saw that on her snapchat she was frequently sending snaps to this guy george who i knew she had a thing with she made up the excuse that he was gay and she didnt speak to me for the rest of the party we had sex later on that night and she assured to me we were exclusive and i had nothing to worry about around mid october i havent seen her in over almost month and asked if i could visit her she said no she didnt want me invading her life up there also she gave some b s excuse that i probably didnt want her to visit me when i was in undergrad she began throw a huge temper tantrum like a little child saying that i was replaceable and she would break up with me if i surprised her at albany i shouldve broke up with her then but didnt because i loved her for so long and was going to see her on thanksgiving and she said she was going to let me come up to formal at the end of the semester ends up going to formal in dec with another guy in the dress i bought her lol at the beginning of november her sister who goes to the same school spoke to me about not liking school at albany and she didnt wanna go to date night later i asked if her sister was going and she said no my gf her sister wasnt gonna be there i was confused because my girlfriend in the weeks leading up to the formal date night told me it was gonna be cancelled later on that i got a snapchat from my gf in a dress and make up which she probably didnt mean to send me i asked her why she was all dressed up and she said to me dont worry about it i asked her if she was going to date night and she said it was a first date themed party i then text her later on that night saying tell me the truth you are at date night with someone and she didnt respond her sister even told me she saw her there at the date night party them next day she texts me saying he appreciate everything i do for her but wanted to take things slow with me her excuse was she need to focus on school work i asked if we were still exclusive but she said i shouldnt worry she gave some b s excuse that she wants to get back with me and there is no time frame when we get back together i lost my mind because i felt like i did and sacrificed so much for her the next steps i took were excessive but led me to find she was cheating on me i dmed her ex boyfriend garry from school on instagram on a whim i did this because i had my suspicions he told she didnt say ever she was dating me and they had sex a few times together during the semester aslo during the summer she went over his house every thursday while she was suppose to be at work i didnt know because i worked in the city in the summer during the week while she was at his house he asked her about me and said i was just her family friend that had i crush on her but she had no feelings at all for me he said when he dated her she cheated on him a bunch he was able to prove it with a screenshot recording of her texting him to come over on our anniversary to come over at am and have sex he said he also saw her with other guys walking home some nights he also said they she has multiple guys in every frat there that she fucks aslo that her other ex boyfriend matt v lived at the housing complex i saw her on her location that night not the other one she told me and he saw her car parked there multiple times i also cant believe her little sister was in on the lies too but i found out she was also cheated on her boyfriend from back home too aslo when my girlfriend dated garry she cheated on him with the guy george she told me was gay when i finally confronted her about it and showed her the texts she sent garry with the dates and times showing her number she went crazy and denied everything saying now there was chance of us getting back together in the future and how dare i reach out to garry i also reached out to other people at her school and they all told me she said i wasnt her boyfriend when they asked just a family friend from home and they saw her hooking up with multiple people when her mom called me i told her everything about her daughter cheating on me she didnt believe it she wanted us to meet over the winter break and talk things out and be friends for now because our families are very close im just very hurt because i never loved anyone like her for so long i still have some feelings for her because i loved her for many years also im not gonna lie she is very physically attractive and the sex was amazing usually it is with the crazy ones lol i dont think ill ever get and one better than her but all my friends and close family say she is no good and i must cut her out of my life for good part of me wants me to go to her house and start yelling like crazy at her calling her derogatory names asky why she cheated im just so upset because i loved her for years and how could she do this to me i just want answer why she cheated on me tl dr girlfriend cheated on me while at school and broke up with me i feel so hurt and confused about what happened i know her and i are done forever even as just family friends but i dont know why but i am still obsessed with her and cant move on i just wanna yell and scream at her feel like i didnt get any closure ,pre,male
depression,2019-02-11,i m dont feel anything for my wife f anymore weve been married years in march have kids and have gone from broke college students to relatively well off shes a full time sahm but stays super busy with lots of community involvement some kid related some not she is a very nice and well intentioned person shes kind to her friends generous shes a good mom too im miserable from depression work woes my parents situation etc recently in the last year ive left our shared faith due to a number of building circumstances that have rendered me faithless she was on the couch crying yesterday i dont know for what reason and i just didnt care i didnt try to comfort her and basically ignored it this definitely wasnt the first time im heartless and i dont know why i feel repulsed when i get a tiny notion to try harder i am not mean or nasty to her im just take up space she craves physical attention but i just dont want to give her that i feel this pulling away feeling every time it comes up i know im the asshole here and im not sure what i should do i love my kids and i pour all my energy into being a good dad but theres really nothing left for her we disagree on a lot of topics our intimacy is dead and im just blah she deserves someone better than me i think the right choice is to leave her but i just cant find the strength of will to do anything about it maybe i just like being miserable im on some new meds in the last months and i see a psychiatrist for my depression im not naive enough to think this isnt interconnected so maybe i need to talk to her again soon i tried to call for an appointment and left a message because no one answered it was really discouraging today i hoped i would get in a car accident and die then the kids would grow up with fond memories of me before they get old enough to realize im not a great person my wife would be able to remarry someone better and id be done and dusted im too much of a coward to actually make it happen but it sure would be nice to have an easy way out of all this ,pre,male
depression,2019-09-20,another weekend alone m about to turn monday and i feel so fucking lonely im homeschooled so i have absolutely no friends and live close to a high school and can hear the friday night football games every friday night god it hurts so bad i just wish i had friends to spend my weekends with so much,pre,male
depression,2019-09-20,i worked my ass off to get here and im not happy i m started off my college career at a small private liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere i made some great friends and i still keep in touch with one of them to this day i guess i felt like i was still in high school at such a small campus the gossip and seeing the same people everyday my situation there wasnt ideal but i was happy i just wished i realized it then after a semester i transferred to community college and got the best grades so i can apply to a big state college long story short after many all nighters and essays i got in i was finally going to go to a good university that people actually know of go to a ton of parties and make so many new friends and most importantly get that damned degree to make my family proud but not myself proud so here i am at this big state college i live off campus with two other guys i hardly know i cant live on campus because there isnt any space its just so hard to make friends i have to constantly rely on my roommates to go to parties and meet people and its evident that they arent really fond of my anyways i spend so much time in my room doing nothing because everyone on campus seems like they are so preoccupied with their own friends and their own goals ive never felt so lonely in life until now it seems so simple but its hard to just walk up to someone and just talk to them i even went to the club fair and i tried to make conversation with a few of the clubs and they just didnt seem to want to talk to me whenever i try and talk to someone nowadays i feel like im being intrusive or annoying its tempting to not try anymore yesterday i dressed up nicely and left my apartment to try and see if i could make a friend or two but i ended up just sitting on a bench staring out into space for like hours i worked so hard to be at this great university and its not what i thought it would be in the end im in college to get a diploma because thats what is expected of me which is fine as long as i get to have fun in between but im not having any fun going to class is hell because the what ever the professor says just sounds like noise ive even skipped class a few times every word i read from a book looks like scribbles i just wish i knew how happy i was at the small private college maybe i wouldnt have gotten a great education there but at least i wasnt alone ,pre,male
depression,2019-09-20,looking for advice to give my struggling little brother hi all sadly my f little brother m has been having a really hard time of it to the point where hes left his second year of university and is currently staying with my older brother in another city his anxieties started from a deep unhappiness with his path in terms of not feeling like he has close friends there that his hard work isnt paying off his program isnt fulfilling crippling self doubt thats so uncharacteristic coupled with a recent bad conflict split with an on again off again girlfriend his symptoms include a complete inability to think rationally he sends me long rambling philosophical texts at am and because he cant switch his brain off and focus he zones out frequently like the lights are on but no one is home he also cant sleep and most recently has begun hallucinating and genuinely just exhibiting the kind of scary behaviour that points to a psychotic episode obviously not looking for a diagnoses here but it looks like hes going to sit this semester out my parents are flying from another country to come see him get him treated then bring him home we will all be together as of tomorrow my question is how would you like to be supported if this were you he knows my whole family knows whats going on and has mobilized to help him because we love him so much but i havent yet had the chance to really talk to him i dont want to downplay or belittle how he feels but i also dont want to make a huge deal of it and freak him out more ive also had my own struggles a therapist once suggested i was bipolar but i dont really believe this as i think i just went through an isolated incident of a particularly rough patch but i feel like sharing my stuff could be unhelpful i dont want him to think that im dismissing this as run of the mill or normal and that hell get over it eventually do i encourage him to do things that i know would help ie we used to run together and he has stopped being physically active or is it better to not push would he rather i act normal or acknowledge whats going on tl dr brothers going through an episode and need tips on how to best support him lt ,pre,male
depression,2019-09-20,my gf f broke up with me m a week before i uprooted my life and moved an hour and a half from everyone close to me she broke up with me for being an asshole to her and our lives revolving around each other which they did we try talking again and it was going well but i just wanted to be exclusive while we were trying to make it work and she wasnt for it she says she has fomo she broke up with me a week before we were moving an hour away from everyone close to me and my job now im stuck in this lease right next to where she lives now and everyone she knows so shes living it up while i have to drive an hour and a half to go out we lived together for almost years i really just thought i was gonna marry this girl and that was that but now its completely flipped im a good looking guy but im just scared ill never find that connection again im scared of waiting around for her as well but im just having a tough time moving on its been a couple months she was honestly perfect throughout the relationship until the end and it just fucks with me that i ruined it im just really scared ill never get over it and never find love like that again are these normal thoughts will they go away how do people deal with being with people for years and then divorce feel like i would just wanna die at that point im in a dark place and thinking about doing something drastic like moving across the country or something but im fucking stuck here for years right now im on the verge of breaking down and just want to ask her to hangout because she helped me so much when i had low points in the relationship i know she would still be there for me if i told her i needed her right now but idk if thats a good idea or not i just cant take it right now hate my life right now hopefully itll get better,pre,male
depression,2019-01-08,please try to help him https youtu be jdq mpj sp ,pre,male
depression,2019-01-08,story of my miserable life so to start this off im m and the formatting probably sucks because im on my phone so i apologize in advance im just trying to tell my story in hopes it will connect with someone and they can share their similar situations ill start it off when i was i was a quite niave lad young and dumb i suppose but one day my life had changed forever i was in the basement of my grandmothers house me and my mom lived there most of my childhood i heard a bunch of noises coming from upstairs so i ran up there i didnt really know what to expect when i got to the top of the stairs my uncle and my grandmother were sitting at the dinner table crying my uncle ran and picked me up once he seen me and held me in the arms he pulled me close to him and said im so sorry op your mother passed away i was shocked but for some reason i didnt cry i just held all of my emotions back and i felt nothing still today i dont know why maybe because i didnt fully comprehend what was happening later on in my life i found out that she had killed herself i always had a thought in the back of my head that it was me and it kinda never left me anyways fast forward a couple years to when im i had been staying with my grandmother my dad wasnt around most of my life she had gotten to quite an old age and her mind was slowing fading my dad came in from wherever probably the third time i had ever seen him and decided to stay with us he noticed my grandmothers behavior and said it wasnt normal her waking me up at am saying it was time for school my dad took me out of the house and i moved in with his sister his sister was a straight up b my grandmother had saved  dollars for me from my ssi money and was saving it to get me a car when she got her greedy ass hands on it she bought herself a new car it wasnt till i was that i understood what was going on they had sold my playstation while i was gone and said they had no idea where it was once i seen how greedy they were i left and went to go back and live with my grandmother her alzheimers disease has tremendously increased since i was she cried every night after i left which ultimately sent her farther and farther down into the disease when i got back to her house she did not even recognize me i was so depressed because i felt like it was all my fault from where i left i still do no i got back though my other aunt was living with her taking care of her she passed away in the later years she was bedridden from a stroke and slowly drifted away i was depressed for a long time over this and still am today i always think that if i would have stayed i would have prevented her downfall i stayed with my aunt till i was i thought she was different but she wasnt she said she was saving up my ssi for when i moved out little did i know she was using it for hair extensions and what not well i met this girl when i was she was absolutely stunning she was weird funny smart and such a philosophical thinker my aunt hated her the reason why is because she was noticing how much my family fucked me over the house i was staying in was supposed to be mine but my aunt made my grandmother when she had alzheimers to sign the house over to her slowly i started to hate her more and more later that year i got a call from my family they kept telling me to give the phone to my aunt they told her that he had died and committed suicide in a car wreck and not me not his own fucking son at this point my family was nothing but scum on the earth and it is truly sad to say that me and my aunt fought alot after that everyday it was heated discussions about my girlfriend and me so i left i packed my shit and i left i went and lived with my girlfriends parents for months and they were more of a family to me than my own now im here im living with my fiance aka that weird funny and beautiful girl from the story and we have a dog and cats i love my life now for awhile i wanted to kill myself but i put my family in the past and started worrying about me and later on down the road i will have a child and i will show him the affection i never got sorry for the long post i just had to get it off my chest ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-13,what now so starting off i want to say i have drank today so i am sorry for any misspellings or wrong use of puncuation im not sure how to start this post but i guess ill give you a short summary and then tell you my present predicament so im a m year old currently i believe my problems start when i was years old i do not wish to go into extreme details but i was pretty much on my own since then i had a mother but i had a very large family and i was pretty much ignored by my family for some reason i still dont understand today i could do whatever i wanted and there was zero consequences i ran away one time and noone either cared or noticed not sure which we moved around very often also so friendships did not last long to this day i cannot develop a relationship with anyone this post is already getting extremely long so im going to cut out a lot more but flash forward to today im a veteran with no friends family or a single person who cares about me i pushed them all out long ago so here i am cant remember the last time i was sober i saved up a lot of money then quit my job and ive been drunk since ive been planning on killing myself but i cant decide when i already know how until i watched a youtube video today that actually put emotion into me for the first time since i can remember emotions are nice i actually felt like a human for the first time since i was a kid so what now im a depressed anxiety ridden asshole who no longer wants to die but what now i dont have the initiative to go to therapy or see a doctor for medication i have noone to go to for support so what now ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-13,life journey after suicide attempt so i am m ive never used reddit before but i thought maybe if i just write my thoughts down i might feel better or w e ive been moving around a lot since like middle school so it had been longtime since i had actual genuine friends that would actually care for me now ive had depression for longtime and also tried to hang my self once but it wasnt successful i was never a true happy soul but you know like robin williams i guess i normally seem silly and happy outside but truly ive been rotting inside i feel like no i mean to say in fact i have nobody to talk to i always had been alone pretty much family oh please they had been a huge factor of my mental illness there was a person who i talked for like an year then i got into a relationship with her about months ago we had goods and bads she was the only person i could lean to and pretty much only one i could communicate about my everything and anything long story short tho she broke up with me like a week ago idk if she will change her mind or not thats up to god really ive been trying not to be extra depressed and get affected by it so much however now just like before i got nobody to even communicate and go thru day to day i tried to go out like watching movies dinner and etc i find it super pathetic im doing all these activities alone my story is prolly like everywhere im just writing it down as it pops in my mind thank you if any of you read i guess ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-13,confession i stopped taking my meds and started taking shrooms instead title says it all stopped taking lexapro and am now microdosing with shrooms my parents think im still taking the prescription meds lol them because idc how depressed i am i still want my dick to work m ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-13, m drifting through life i grew up as a jehovah witness left when i was i was robbed of a normal education and a normal upbringing i got hit with a double whammy with a shitty judgemental family that just lived life to make it to their paradise no extracurriculars no aspirations just live enough to get by i hate the word jehovah witness im sick of my past still having an affect on my life i feel like im branded for life i try to forget and move on but there is always something to remind me whether it be a family talking at a restaurant christmas facebook posts and so on so months ago i left college and moved out of state i ended up getting a full time cushy office job rather quickly i had a new up and coming perfect credit score and new car i was still depressed but at least i didnt have money troubles i went back to my original college but now im sure i hate college i no longer care about a second degree computer science i have no more motivation and at most see myself as a hobbyist programmer i left college the first time due to depression i took the risk of going back thinking i would find a job quickly like i did before thinking this time i would be motivated and i had my depression under control i feel like an alien in college its not normal to be a loner in college i see so many groups of friends men and women going out and doing stuff having parties while here i am with a lot of acquaintances but no real friends ive never had a girlfriend and have only dated girls off online apps my sex life is non existent just lost my virginity at through tinder people are dating and having sex on a regular basis while here i am still in awe i met a girl at a club made out and hung out for awhile i dont have close friends i find investing in people very difficult i have definitely tried to make friends but things always fizzle i honestly am not sure how i can recover from this i feel like a loser as i should have my shit together by right im k in debt k student loans and k car im going to be legit street homeless after this semester unless i can actually get a job from one of the applications ive sent out into the black void i hold an associates in it but it doesnt seem to help much my car will end up being repossessed in the near future and my credit will be in the shitter has anyone else dealt with drifting through life at my age ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-13,finally decided to post this hi r depression this is my second draft of this post as the first one got way too personal and i rambled on way too much not like anyone would read it anyways basically a lot of shits happening with my family rn and its having a big negative impact on me for context im m only child suffered with depression basically my entire life always was a bit overweight and very conscious about it tried my hardest to lose weight nothing worked and i only seemed to gain it so now ive just accepted it ive started to neglect schoolwork to do things that make me happier in the short term i know its not sustainable but its sure as hell feels a lot better ive hoped things will get better but no matter what it seems life finds a way to fuck me over even more ive had suicidal thoughts on and off for awhile now but im not really having those rn so not really seeking support on that front what i want more than anything is to find someone to talk to feel free to pm if you want more detail on any of this it gets a bit too personal for me to share publicly ive decided that if i dont reach out now i never will ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-08,does therapy even help im m and ive been depressed since childhood and it has gotten so fucked up lately ive tried therapy four times and each time one session only and then cancelled it cuz i felt it was worthless how can it helo me if i constantly think im the most useless garbage on earth and want to die as they say you wont change if you dont want to ive also tried months of medication but it didnt help aswell i want something to ease the pain but sometimes i think that death is the ultimate cure and when i think i about that every other cure method of easing the pain seems useless so people who have gone to therapy on a scale of to how helpful was it i feel like im just gonna waste my parents money and my time wow so usefull time by doing it same way i feel about every activity so thats why i lay on my bed ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-08,i m want to off myself but i dont want to succeed in doing so and i dont know what that feeling is crossposting from r mentalhealth cw tw explicit mentions of suicide and methods throwaway because my friends use reddit and they dont know how severe my condition is i dont know what to call the feeling that im experiencing but its not something new for the longest time ive wanted to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger with the intention of death but miraculously survive with no serious damage to my health or function i want to slit my wrists and then wake up in hospital where theyll tell me that ill make a full recovery and im lucky i was found so soon i want to swallow a load of pills but have someone find me just soon enough so i can have them medically pumped from my system and pull through i dont know if i crave for this as some elaborate cry for help wanting my peers to see that i am this damaged but i dont want them to do anything i dont feel even the slightest bit comfortable putting my problems on other people and most times when i have mustered up the courage to do that they didnt know how to respond maybe i want this as a wake up call much like the stories of the people who have jumped from bridges and before they hit the ground water realised ive made a mistake that i will carry out the act with intent of death and wake up thinking why in the world would i do that then after my post event epiphany i make a miraculous recovery and never battle with my mental health again because i appreciate life more ive never made a post like this before i never reach out for help i never try to make it better for myself with this post im just trying to see if someone here can explain to me what it is that im feeling or maybe you feel the same and have some insight that i might not all replies are appreciated ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-08,anyone here feels they have no real reason to feel depressed m here in overall terms i have had an easy life i was born in a first world country my parents never failed to provide anything for me or my sisters maybe i did not get from them all the love i should but i was never mistreated in any way i was a healthy kid and i believe had a happy infancy when i was a teenager the anxiety depression started to appear but even though i was still able to live a relatively functional and happy life as a young adult with the help of ssris does this resonate with some of you i e you have no apparent big reason to feel depressed anxious yet cant avoid to feel this way ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-08,i dont know what to do anymore m ive been struggling with depression for most of my life and its never effected me so much until recently as in the past couple of years i just feel completely empty like nothing matters at all i spend a lot of time by myself because its easy to do and yeah when im with people it boosts my spirits a little bit but im immediately shot back down and cant think of anything other than how i want to drive mph into oncoming traffic i feel like nothing in my world is going right ive always been smart but recently ive struggled and im worried i wont get into a good college and my parents will be disappointed in me and on top of that my girlfriend dumped for my best friend and neither of them told me about it i have a paranoid suspicion that none of my friends actually like me and im just a lonely fuck with people who pity me i just want so much to give up ive lost hope and ive been stuck in a rut for about years and i dont know what to do i went to therapy for a while and i fell like none of it helped im terrified of confrontation and whenever my parents or therapist ask me what im really feeling i choke up and i cant say any of this thats why ive come to this sub i dont have a reason to keep going and i just want to end it because i cant take it i cant take not being able to open up to anyone and whenever i try to get help it backfires and i just make myself even more depressed because i feel like a failure not being able to use the resources for help that im given i try and i try and i try and i just cant express what im feeling other than behind a keyboard somebody please help ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-08,i tried my best angry and bitter m overweight working minimum living with parents in between school whats the point struggle with money friends and relationships until i grow old it feels as if my body is giving up on me and i cannot bare to lose anymore dignity than i already have i bought a gun recently are we all going to pretend my life has any value what so ever that it would matter at all because existence is cruel and i dont owe the world a danm thing,pre,male
depression,2019-06-13,im depressed to the point where im hearing or having voices in my head ive been in the same place for year days hardly leave the house and no friends etc i f cking s ck and i really hate myself i dont know what to do i tried to see a therapist but nothing its as if he voices in my head are waiting for me even right now they are roaming in my head its as if though the people i see sometimes when i go out the gate which is never are always speaking about me i feel like im going insane is the how it start m and really lost in life no car no job no degree but wanna study abroad or life overseas for at least  years of my life maybe this is the time to do it im passionate about music and the entertainment industry but ive lost all appetite for all of it options or maybe im mentally ill because ive been in the same place same corner bedroom sell everything i own and disappear somewhere to remove myself from this depressive environment blend in and be more miserable by trying to go to school here locally and get a job while living in the same house that i havent come in almost two years going in now or just die because thats how i feel even though i try to clear my head voices never go away i exercised yesterday but they only getting worse ,pre,male
depression,2019-06-13,struggling with depression fianc m broke up with me f because ive put him trough too much i am writing this totally devastated i know i put myself in this position i know logically that i made the choices that ended up my relationship with the person i love the most in the world why does it feel like every time i make the wrong choice i am on the passenger seat why i cannot get control of myself and make the right choices why is it so damn hard to get up on time why is it so hard to be mindful why is so hard to be productive and driven i have promised him i was going to work on it and i tried but failed every time and he doesnt deserve to be treated that way he didnt deserved to go through all of that i made him go through that and he still loved me i fucked up once again and again and he will talk to me and we will figure it out and he will be supportive and then i would relapse again and convince myself it wasnt a big deal because i will keep working on it it was a big deal it was the last straw i lied to him about something i thought innocuous but ive had fractured his trust to the point he doesnt believe me or wants anything to do with me anymore we had the house we were gonna live in i had ruined that house for him he hates the home we had plans of building he told me he hates me now i have made the person who loved me the most hate me i am sick i am a bad person i have made all this choices and i deserve all that rejection i dont want to end our relationship because i love him more than anything but i have failed to show up for him and he deserves better than me i have no idea how to process anything right now i am having a meltdown i am not close to friends and family and neither is he i allowed my depression to take hold of my life to the point of losing the most important person to me i cant see anything in front of me anymore i dont know how to deal with anything right now ,pre,male
depression,2019-10-21,please help i know thats a freakin pathetic title but i honestly dont know what to do im a m uni student yall probably get a lot of people like me haha idk who to tell i tried texting my friends but they are all busy i promise this isnt a cry for attention cuz i dont want attention brought to this which is why im on reddit i just spent hours searching up ways to hurt myself idek y the f i want to hurt myself part of me is honestly really scared and the other part is just like fuck it who gives a shit youve done it b and the scary part is that i know i have done it b and it kinda felt good but last time i nearly didnt make it and i dont wanna die haha please dont judge me i know im messed up nobody knows how i feel rn ,pre,male
depression,2019-10-21,i had hope im a m and i dont think ive ever been happy in my life i had a glimpse of what happiness might have been but my girlfriend broke up with me yesterday for reasons that arent either one of our faults she made me feel something i didnt think was possible and now im lower than ive ever been my job is super stressful and theres no way out im afraid ill always be alone whats the point ,pre,male
depression,2019-10-21, m rants for a sec whats actually the point of this game it isnt fun for some its fun but others seriously dont enjoy this game the privileged stay privileged and the poor stay poor life is probably the most unfair thing that humans go through you either keep going as painful as that is or die trying nobody is about to help during this time its a dog eat dog world ill happily say dont confide in anyone itll bite you in the arse people who know about my deeper issues have made a mockery out of it this creates skepticism and trust issues eventually develops into pessimism and apathy then depression male with depression well youre in luck you now have a society which hates you theyll tell you to man up and tell you depression is what millennial snowflakes develop people are absolutely rotten im still a year old baby and im already seeing the world for what it is during the best time of my life i fear the future its uncertainty is enough to put someone in a panic life is just like champions road sm dw itll continue throwing bullshit at you till you succeed by pure dumb luck or you give up sorry for the long and nonsensical post needed to get something off my chest and people irl will just call me an emo or somin idk ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-22,i dont know if i can support someone much longer ok so basically my m girlfreind f has depression for the last months and i am already starting to feel dread and resentment because i have no vent to speak my mind i dont have a way of telling someone hey i really need to get this off my chest she is asking for help but i dont know what to suggest anymore she tells me i cant do anything to help but will follow it up with how bad she is feeling i really need advice on how to support her without soul destroying myself ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-22,bf is depressed getting worse everyday refuses to get help not sure if this is the right subreddit but point me to another if so throwaway account tl dr at the end english is not my first language but i think you will understand me my f bf m and i have been together for years now he is a wonderful calm handsome funny and smart person full jackpot if you ask me since the day we met he always had that gloomy sad vibe to him but you know i just found it mysterious and interesting weve been dating for a few months everything was awesome hanging out everyday having awesome sex life best friends in general as the time went by he was opening more and more about his past very abusive childhood was left alone at the very early age money struggles etc and he admitted to suffer from depression he has been diagnosed by a professional but not taking any medication or going to therapies i noticed that he had some pretty bad days sometimes when he would close himself in his apartment and wouldnt answer my calls messages or door rings few days later he would just appear out of nowhere like nothing happened and we would go on with our lives i always tried to talk to him about it but he always refused he would even go home from our meeting if i was too pushy but it was happening about once in two months and after that we could function normally i guessed he just needed some time alone sometimes to clear his head and relax after a year or so those periods become more frequent like twice a month our relationship was still the same love birds but had sex only once in a month tried to talk to him but refused and blamed it on stress things were getting worse but he stopped closing himself in and instead just started telling me he feels bad or very bad i tried to take most of his daily tasks off of his back like cooking making appointments paying bills etc so he would feel less stressed about daily life now after years since we met we barely talk about anything about him only about movies reddit events people we know etc when were not together we dont talk at all not responding to my messages calls or anything just an occasional i feel very bad last time we had sex was months ago and before that we had sex times last year not that its the most important thing but you know i noticed it for months now ive been trying to gently guide him towards therapy or gp doctor just to check if everything is alright or if there is any solution to his problems but he just brushes it off by saying i hate talking and it doesnt help i tried past couple of weeks ive tried a more aggressive way saying i will make his doctors appointment go with him or anything he just has to get up and put his shoes on no today his only message to me was i dont expect it to get better just give up we barely meet once a week in the contrary of meeting every day before talk even less because he just lays in his bed every day after work i tried to give him some space but he would just ignore me for a week and then send me dont you love me anymore so i guess thats not what he wants he doesnt have anybody but me no family or close friends what should i do how can i show him that there is a solution to his worries and feelings but i need his cooperation ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder too so i tried to talk to him from my personal experience medications changed my life therapy not so much but he thinks im not that depressed as he is tl dr bf is severely depressed but refuses any medical help because it doesnt help things are getting critical how can i push him towards getting professional help ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-22,depression has ruined me im m that has had depression for over years i have spent this last week really analyzing my life over these years and started to put things together being depressed makes me appear less friendly and always seem out of it which is why its hard for me to meet people ive tried putting up a facade but it just adds too much pressure im now really apathetic i truly just dont give a fuck about anything this just makes things worse because i no longer care about my grades and the only reason to get good grades is so my parents dont kick me out i dont see a positive future ahead of me i have no hope for my future what so ever being bullied throughout middle and high school as been the main contributor to my personality i dont want to be around people because i have no idea how they will treat me its given me a reputation and everyone seems to stay away from me this might be weird but i dont see my self having a spouse partner or anything ive been attracted to women and theres never been a doubt that i havent but all of my peers just talk about how they want to do this and that sex and what not but i just have no interest in any of that i just see myself always being alone the worse thing about all of this is that i feel uncomfortable everywhere i go outside of my room walking on campus just makes my skin crawl the feeling of insecurity and always thinking what someone might think say even around my parents i get nervous and anxious and i cant even look my parents in the eyes to talk to them cause its so uncomfortable thanks if you read through all of this and thanks for listening have a good day and hope to see you again in the future ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-22,im m likely going to go into college a virgin well its april school gets out in just over a month and a half and im in the unfortunate situation of likely ending up a virgin by the start of college what do i do if i start off college a virgin my friend m tells me it will be hard to lose my virginity in college under that situation ,pre,male
depression,2019-09-17,am i really depressed please help me please read this i could really use some help right now i m used to be an extremely happy outgoing child always full of life around years ago i became anorexic and obviously lost all of this throughout my weight gain i was told that soon i would return to my normal self again i did not around months after recovering to a healthy weight i realised that i was nothing like how i used to be i had lost all of my confidence enthusiasm and although there were a few good moments life felt dull after speaking to my therapist and a doctor i was diagnosed with depression none the less i have always been in denial to myself about having depression around months ago i was prescribed mirtazapine however i decided to stop taking it around months in consequently i experienced probably one of the saddest times in my life around a week ago i started to take it again and suddenly im able to motivate myself engage in social situations and most of all joke around with my mum again all this time ive been in denial about having depression but as soon as i took my medication undeniable changes occured does this mean that i do have depression could i have been emotionless for so long due to anorexia that ive come to think that this grey world is normal or might i just be a guy who fetishizes my own sadness only feeling different because of a placebo affect please any advice thoughts would be much appreciated ,pre,male
depression,2019-09-17,i think i have this awful mental illness to make a long story short im m junior in highschool ive fallen in love with one of my friends like i know what crushes feel like ive had crushes before but this is just a whole other level anyway today i decided i would just take the day to myself not put any sort of fake personality on not hang around any of my friends just for today to see if they actually care about me they seemed to be just fine without me laughing and giggling like any normal friend group only one of my friends actually cared about how i was doing and he isnt even really one of the main friends in the group i havent ruled out ending it all but i havent ever thought it was the only way and i know im not gonna do it i just havent ruled it out yknow idk theres much more to the story but its way to much to type ,pre,male
depression,2019-09-17,how do i know for sure if im depressed m here ive had stretches of a few shitty days over the past couple of years but this recent stretch is going on three weeks now and im not sure if i need treatment i still have fun with my friends but beyond that pretty much nothing has any sort of draw to me i dont know if i can just chalk it up to stress about classes or not everything just feels worse this time than it did whenever i was freaking out abt finals or whatever feel free to ask any questions as long as they arent too personal or weird and if you have any reliable info you can point me towards much appreciated thanks ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-26,my first journal entry https drv ms w s aneauyv y ocdrozm fo n vnns e muefe my journal because sometimes feelings cannot all be contained in your head and words poured out but no ones there to listen but who knows if someones there to read just maybe and though i keep telling myself that i only speak for myself and write for myself because in my life i am only allowed to have myself i still yearn so dearly for a pair of ears to listen to what i have to say and a pair of eyes to read what feelings i wish to convey no one has lent me their ears so far and you might get why if you read what i wrote a blog wont do nobody cares enough to look at it i dont have much hope here either but i might as well try i may update this later on if there are those who care enough to respond and if i have the will to ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-26, m need advice year old asian male here living in canada dropped out of highschool last year and need advice on what to do next i was an excellent student before and decided to apply to the us for college with the expectation that at least one of them would accept me i didnt only apply to ivy leagues knowing the competition was fierce and i needed to have some insurance after being declined by all of the colleges i applied for i dropped out of highschool that was the most tiring months of studying ive done and i felt like if my best effort couldnt get me any results then theres no fucking hope i spent months at home before summer started ignoring all help my classmates and teachers offered i also watched some videos and did research on this and managed to convince myself that affirmative action fucked me over during this time my parents were also in the middle of a divorce i had to pretend to go to school and pretend to be happy during this time my mom only recently found out this had happened and wants me to go back to school and redo grade she yelled at me for dropping out and was confused as why i did so she doesnt understand why i would be depressed and says that she had it tougher when she was younger she told me that the reason i didnt get into a us college was because im just not good enough and that she knew from the start that i wouldnt be accepted i got mad and accused her of lying and misleading me as she told me before that i would definitely at least get one offer i contacted my guidance counselor and he suggests that i should try online courses as i am clearly not happy with school im fine with taking online courses and i should be happier taking them than going back to school i feel like i should be able to finish the online course much faster and with a higher mark than if i were stuck in school my mom does not trust online courses and will kick me out of the house if i take them and do not return to school i have told her that i am dealing with depression and that ive thought about suicide and her response was to go ahead she says i dont have the balls to do such a thing i need advice on what i should do next im tired of going to school i feel like all my hard work is pointless and that somehow i will get screwed again ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-26, m need a distraction hey im about to get drunk again for the second time in like days i really am trying to convince myself not to but my urge is so strong i just need a chat with someone about anything really ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-26,need some advice so to begin i have mild depression and anxiety i think but basically it was really really bad last year but this year it has gotten way better but its definitely still there i take some meds which help tremendously but recently it seems the depression is starting to spike back up again i think its starting back up for various reasons first of all im m now and i still dont think i really look like an adult or close too one reason being i think im too short for one even though my height is actually ok its so not bad and i may be still growing and also i always thought my hair and clothes looked bad so i decided to learn how to match clothes better and properly style hair i workout more and it helps but for some reason i still think no matter what i look just too young and not good enough even though deep down i think i actually look pretty good but my head is much louder then my heart because of this i always have the urge to look in the mirror all the time which wastes time and impacts my grades but when i look at the mirror im determined i still look bad and waste even more time in there i find myself comparing me to other guys and such which ive tried to end i get very anxious but its weird because sometimes i dont feel anything and i can talk and such fine and other times i fell awkward and not good enough my conditions are very random and some days i may never be upset until someone says one little bad thing or does something bad to me what also sucks is ive never actually had a gf which i long for and i feel like none of my friends actually are that close to me to begin with i cant really explain it but i just feel very alone and when i think about what to do after high school i get sadder because i think i may be even more alone i dont really have a plan for college and a job yet and i dont even drive which makes me stress and kinda freakout earlier this year i felt much better because of the meds and felt like no matter what i looked awesome and im amazing no matter what and that things will workout and all will be fine issue being the depression has seemed to spike up again as previously mentioned i do have a best friend who i love very much i have known her for years and we were so close and i always looked forward to seeing her so i think shes pretty cute and kind and such so i eventually fell in love with her last year and told her my feelings though i found out she liked someone else ever since then i was upset but it got better and we just kept fighting and argued im not even sure why but i was upset at some choice she would make and would get pissed and wouldnt want to see her for some time though i think that broke our relationship as we are not as close as best friends anymore for various reasons i have paid attention too i can just feel our relationship is basically no more she wants to hang with other friends more we dont take about personal stuff we dont test anymore she gets mad if i ask about her personal life and she basically dosent seem to be excited to see me but is around others when i confronted her about this she said she dosent feel like anything is wrong but i know for a fact it is and it hurts tremendously she also used to say nice things about my appearance and it was really uplifting but now i see her say my guy friends are cute whenever im with them but she never says anything about me anymore she dosent give me hugs and shows affection anymore sometimes i wish she would just hug me and say something nice like your hair looks good today or something but that seems like its over and the final issue is i have been wrestling for years ever since my dad forced me into it in rd grade presently i cant stand wrestling anymore and cant even stand going into a gym during a tournament im so burnt out and such i just dotn find it fun and i want some more free time as i feel like i always have so much to do though i feel like i cant leave because my parents say i have too and cant leave and that ill regret it if i leave my final year but honestly i dont think so as im just really depressed and alone feeling sometimes i only look forward to sleeping anyway that was all i wanted to say thanks to anyone for reading through this i mostly just wanted to get this out but if you can give any advice on anything i would absolutely love it ,pre,male
depression,2019-08-26,im m so incredibly lonely scared and hopeless its been over two months since my wife f ended our relationship she was everything to me my best and only real friend for years i miss her so much i want to call and text her but its not that way anymore shes seeing someone else right now has feelings for somebody else none for me and im not emotionally stable we have kids the youngest is going to pre k all day this year after i drop her off at school im by myself until i pick her up hours later i came home today forced myself to eat a yogurt cup and tried to go back to sleep i slept in our small bedroom closet it was dark and cramped but i felt safest there i got up an hour and a half ago because i didnt want my wife to come home to dirty dishes unfolded laundry and a messy house i didnt want to disappoint her again but i didnt do anything i just read on my phone i tried calling my dad the only family i have besides my wife and kids the only person i can talk to but he didnt pick up he lives hours away so i cant even go see him i thought about texting talking to a neighbor friend but ive already imposed myself too much in the past few days i dont want to scare them away i cant see my therapist until next week i called my case manager to see if they could set me up with another in the mean time and they couldnt i havent worked in over a year and a half and after talking with a lawyer i wont ever be able to get a legal job again i would even settle for a job at mcdonalds making minimum wage at this point just anything to make me feel like im not a worthless burden on my family that i can contribute something that im a human being ive been having to ration my medications because i cant afford a full months supply at i take a day supply so i have for food for us or gas i desperately need someone to hold me while i cry right now i had an anxiety attack yesterday and i asked her to hold me she did but i didnt want her to let me go im a year old father of and i need someone to sit with me and talk with me hold me care for me i want my wife back so badly i dont even have the opportunity to throw myself into a job save money and build a new life past this one i have to rely on my wife who isnt in love with me anymore how long will this last when will i lose my kids ive been thinking about suicide more and more i dont want to hurt my kids that way though thats the only thing thats keeping me alive but how do i get out of this i cant even support myself and i watch my wife leave almost every night now she doesnt sleep at home anymore most of the week the kids get to her and im falling apart i cant do this not by myself im not strong enough for the kids and i wont put this on them how do i get out of this alive ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-18,fear of criticism im m a home body type for the most part while home by myself ive gotten pretty comfortable with who i am but when im at work i tend to close up like im wound up tight i ask myself why i cant just be me while im at work all the time i notice how most everyone else just seems fine for the most part relaxed and just doing what theyre supposed to do but of time i cant do that i have my moments where i feel confident and okay with criticism but it never lasts more than a few minutes its to the point where i feel like its really holding me back or im in my own way of greater things but when im feeling really good it feels manic and i instantly force myself to dial it back for fear of judgement from others i fear hanging out outside of work with the few friends ive made because i think theyre going to think im crazy not the good sarcastic crazy either its all conflicting and frustrating i dont want this to become part of who i am a person who hides a person driven by fear its exhausting ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-18,i reached the boiling point please read actually i m hit the boling point almost a year ago and i cant fully let this moment go in my mind this is a very shameful story for me but i hope some of you can help me process some of it becasue i still cant ill try to make it as short as possible one night me and a bunch of my buddies decided to do some shrooms being the big man i thought i was i took g which could be rookie numbers for some but not for me with my fragile mind and it was my first time first few hours was great then an old friend showed up to the house a little backstory this friend i considered my best friend for a time ive helped him through tough times and hes dealt with alot but it was his legit pshyco gf that had him telling me he was at the point of ending it all important later but i helped him through it and against my advice they stayed together back to the story he showed up to the house we were all tripping at at this point i hadnt seen him in months and even with acknowledging the shrooms i felt like something was off he lost alot of weight and looked like skin and bones later on everyone went somewhere else and me and him were playing a video game he started talking to me about where his life was at like general shit but he wasnt making it sound nice my mind kept going back to when he was telling me he was at the end the shrooms already were attacking me with a bad trip and ego death but this felt important to me after awhile he said he was leaving to go see his other friend in a bit at am by himself right then i thought my friend was going to kill himself i know thats heavy but thats all i could think i didnt know what to do i asked him to have his friend pick him up he said no i asked to see the texts and he said no i started having mini breakdowns in front of everyone and was trying my best to get him to stay everyone kinda picked up on it i knew i could look like an idiot but didnt want to take a chance i told him what i thought i literally chased him down the road he said fine ill get my friend to pick me up and he did everyone was outside and once the car came in the drive way that was enough for me but the he said hey didnt you want to tell him something and hes friend said hes alright and i hugged him out of sheer relief and went inside i still think something wierd was going on i kind of put a damper on the night for everyone and i feel like i opened his baggage up in front of everyone i feel bad ashamed and embarassed and i still always think about this night it was the start of a very depressing chapter in my life someone just say something about it ,pre,male
depression,2019-07-18, you should talk more gosh i lost count how many times ive heard that said to me and every time i hear it i get a pang of guilt shame and im usually too stumped to reply with anything else other than to smile and nod or the flippant yeah i get that a lot im m and i dont remember ever feeling encouraged to actually talk more every time i hear it funny how the line backfires like that at least to me ,pre,male
depression,2019-10-17,theres no place in the world for me im m i am a combat veteran with an amputated left forearm and no left eye my disfigurement disgusts people and the only jobs i can get are unskilled labor my coworkers are assholes who are drunk and high all the time and they push everything into me i majored in philosophy in college planning to go to law school but i dont want to go k in debt for that anymore my family are all alcoholics and my brothers are thieves my father is also extremely controlling and says i need to start taking care of him when he retires my boyfriend killed himself last year im just alone and i cant see any reason to keep living ,pre,male
depression,2019-10-17,i dont want to live anymore im m and a three time failed writer with no friends at all i get into stable jobs and eventually quit or get fired because they are boring as hell and i cannot bring myself to care any longer i wish i had even one strong connection within my family or just a good friend every holiday is empty and stressful as i pretend to like people whove abused me in the past and insult me the first chance they get ive tried to be super nice and helpful but i just end up finding superficial friends who i dont really connect with ive taken my year brother and his friend to two water parks and i was depressed the entire time doing things for other people just doesnt make me happy in and of itself like it should ive tried medication and therapy i feel the only way anything will change is if my life changes but im completely out of ideas there are no more interests for me to latch onto anymore i just want to say good bye to a few people finish my last story and then jump off a bridge i know people wont understand theyll think im being dramatic or trying to manipulate them but its how i honestly feel right now ,pre,male
depression,2018-12-12,i f think im at wits end saturday night i went out with my boyfriend m to his friends party and basically detached and was full of internal panic for hours im pretty introverted and hate big loud groups of people i dont know but im usually pretty good at tolerating it however this time i dont know what happened that panic from being out has never happened before my brother m and dad m cant get along making it seem like world war in my house ended up yelling at them sunday night because its not fair that my mom f and i have to use all of our energy to mediate their little fights so they dont get out of hand its not fair that they need help yet im the one who has to drown myself in meds and therapy just to be able to function from all the anxiety and depression and now i cant even function anymore im a medical student and trying to study for my first board exam but no matter how much i try to calm myself down so i can get through my study schedule i just sit staring into the corner numb that just makes me feel even worse because i want to study so bad but nothing sticks ive always had some sort of depression but now when i wake up all i can think of is ending it because im so miserable and in pain i just dont know what to do anymore sorry for the disorganized thought process while writing this im pretty much just word vomiting how i feel ,pre,male
depression,2018-12-12, m i have trauma from my childhood that is unresolved my childhood was pretty fucked tbh i believe my childhood trauma is what ultimately led to me being depressed i have only told one person about everything but after telling them i am worried that they will look at me differently because of it i dont know what to do any advice is appreciated ,pre,male
depression,2018-12-12, m hate life i want to die im i graduated a big school in may started a full time job months ago and my girlfriend of years dumped me a week after i started my job i work hours a week im alone im not happy i dont want to do this any longer i need help ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-02,help i m am a new father overworked no friends no family no one to talk to dont know where to get help i have apparently great insurance through my job but i have absolutely no idea where to start i have no primary physician never had a psych evaluation to my knowledge and to say im struggling would be an understatement where do i start im a new father i cannot be this way to my family i cant live like this anymore please help ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-02,any advice on how i m can be there for my girlfriend f while she has a depressive episode ldr hi r depression im in need of some advice on how to take care of my girlfriend when shes in a depressive episode weve only been talking for  months and only really became a thing over the past week this is the first time ive seen her like this and it worries the shit out of me shes just listening to playlists on spotify about wanting to die and being depressed and i really just want to help her but i dont know what to do amp x b copy and paste from my relationship advice post which hasnt had much response yet is below amp x b  hey so the backstory is that i met this amazing girl online where we spoke for about a month before we finally met in person earlier this week and it was amazing i really like this girl we just got along so well and had so much fun afterwards she let me know she had an amazing time and cant wait until the next time we meet however as of yesterday shes been feeling depressed and sad and says she doesnt know why and i dont know what to do about it ive let her know that i care for her and that im there for her but she doesnt really respond to that shes also been a little more distant than normal shes not the most affectionate girl in the world which is absolutely fine because its super adorable when she is and honestly she was slowly becoming a little more affectionate over time but its completely gone now but her responses have been more less frequent and more cold and blunt than usual this morning we text for a while and she said she felt worse than yesterday but went on to play some games ive been asking her to play games with me for a long time but she always somehow says no but hell i thought id try again and maybe if i could just do things with her it would make her happy or at least take her mind of whatever it is shes feeling down about so i asked and she didnt reply i told her it was fine if she didnt want to again she didnt reply and went back to playing her other game and then went offline and we havent spoken since only about an hour ago a part of me just feels like im annoying her by asking if shes okay she never answered that text yesterday either telling her im there for her and trying to do things with her i genuinely do care about how she is and im doing these things because were in a long distance relationship and i dont know how else i can help her the fact that i cant help her makes me honestly feel like shit and the way shes acting makes me feel like she may break up with me but then again she said three days ago she cant wait for the next time so i think this may be my mind playing tricks on me does anyone have any advice on what i can do ive never been in a situation like this before ,pre,male
depression,2019-03-10,i m would have killed myself if it werent for the student loan debts as my familys financial condition is poor im suffering from severe depression im an introvert and have less number of friends was in a relationship for years i had put in so much effort into it but she left me months ago now shes in other relationship and im nightmares sleepless nights cant focus cant work properly so basically theres no point in being alive im totally unable to handle this grades have gone down im not happy anymore in my life everything sucks in my life i could have killed myself months ago but i really dont want to burden my parents they dont deserve it so im trying to get my shit together for at least years where i can pay off loans and leave some money to parents as i got placed in a it company till then i have postponed my thoughts for my parents even though i dont want to live this unhappy life its the least i could do to help them financially thanks for reading this ,pre,male
depression,2019-04-12,depressed for years take some time to read and have just included the main things m here so my parents worked till night and i appreciate it didnt get the emotional or physical love from them years passed and still have no friends that i can talk to socially awkward from the start cannot speak in front of a group of people dont like to fight so others took advantage and bullied me it kind of started my depression dont want to die either afraid of the consequences to my parents and now im so fucked up that whenever i see a cute woman i just want to hug her no perversion but just hug i dont understand why only cute ones why not the normal ones please enlighten me and any help is appreciated ,pre,male
depression,2018-11-20,parents of children having electroshock please see that brain damage has been determined in a court of law parents of children having the procedure called electroshock the untested fda devices used on your children have been proven in the california courts to cause brain injuries and a settlement has been reached these suits will be on going if your child has had this procedure please fill out the survey on ectjustice com http ectjustice com fbclid iwar uzcydwk fffpgtyqyistiylkrjp qvdbue b kisi mjlyeivgmaapm if your child is to have shock wednesday and friday morning or any day these same devices will be used currently physicians that encourage the use of bike helmets and helmets for sports to protect against traumatic brain injuries are inducing these same injuries in your child with every procedure they know it they are using a device and doing a procedure without any fda testing for safety or effectiveness on your child i am a trained level one trauma nurse of many years and i am telling you the truth it has been proven in a court of law medical malpractice suits to come protect and intercede on behalf of your children please thank you ,pre,male
depression,2018-11-20,breakdown m here i dont know if this will make any sense and will be a wall of text but i need to write this down somewhere amp x b i think ive suffered from depression for the past maybe years of my life but due to being afraid cultural norm not having money being so poor for one year that we barely had money for food trying to recover from a natural disaster which set back everything i worked for years and literally being close to death and thinking for about hours that i will die etc never sought help for it ive just went on in life on auto pilot without doing pretty much anything just sinking my time in games and movies not being able to get a job partly because the pay was shit and partly because i was afraid about years ago i moved from my country to somewhere else and got a decent paying job but language is a bitch in this years i managed to lose all my friends my close family is almost non existent grandfathers dead one of which i saw hanging from a pole at age  my father is an alcoholic and im not really on speaking terms with him i love my mom a lot but i cannot drop more on her since she has to put up with my father she is part of the reason i think i stayed behind for so long and my surviving grandmother is sick due to being an alcoholic too and probably wont live long anymore all was more or less ok for this years until about months ago when grandma got really sick and we though she will die soon my father started drinking again a lot and threatening to harm kill my mother and grandmother i was getting close to my bday which is never a good day for me i started drinking too much too but met a girl on tinder who seemed really nice and supportive and to whom i managed to say more that ive said the last years and starting to open up but then my father drank really heavy and threatened to kill them again and then i could not reach anyone by phone for two days and my mind assumed they were dead and that feeling and everything just made me sink into a hole and i started acting really shitty managing to fuck up with her too to the point where she cut contact with me i considered suicide even before she cut contact with me but when i really thought about it after that my grandfathers image came to mind my mom and i started to get better for a while dint drank anymore alcohol started running and even scheduled a doctors appointment which was a fucking month away month passed the doctor agreed i was depressed and gave me the good news that im physically healthy and sent me to a psychologist the way things work here is i have to pay some of it i could probably not afford it all by myself and i have to look through a list and find one turns out all are at least months busy and those that arent dont accept consultations in english to the point where one of them dint even wanted to hear what i was when i called and hanged up the phone this was the last straw for me for now and for the first time i fell down on the floor in the shower and just broke down amp x b ,pre,male
depression,2018-11-20,i just dont care anymore idk if this is the right place to post this let me know if it isnt ive m had issues with my mental health for the past years i thought i wanted to end it all say goodbye and leave everyone behind ive tried multiple times and failed every time ive realized that i dont want to die but i just dont care if im alive not much brings me joy these days my family and friends think im happy but i just smile so they dont worry in reality i couldnt care less if i die tomorrow i go to counseling sure but its just listening to someone else spout how great life is and that you should care i know i have a good life and am meant to be happy but i just dont care ,pre,male
depression,2020-01-01,this is a question that gives me so much anxiety and stress please help me out i am m and i have a raised mole above my lip where a moustache grows i know its not cancerous but i dont like it i am also too shy to ask my parents about removing it but i will ask but im worried if i remove it can i still grow hair in that same area cause i really dont want a blank spot in my moustache any help is appreciated ,post,male
depression,2020-01-01,affirmations for wealth amp happiness livestream with hz frequency music https www youtube com watch v six m frto https www youtube com watch v six m frto in this video i have created what i believe to be the most powerful affirmations you will hear these affirmations are for accumulating wealth prosperity riches and not only wealth but these affirmations will be deeply imprinted upon your mind positive suggestions so that you will develop greater happiness and joy in your life you will forgive others you will forgive yourself you will let go of your past you will live in the present moment and create the reality the life you have always wished for with a frequency of hz a natural frequency for resonating throughout your body amp mind you can drift off to sleep into a peaceful trance whilst absorbing these life changing affirmations sleepaffirmations wealthaffirmations sleep,post,male
depression,2020-01-01, m having a hard time for years this is my first time writing here so please bear with me imagine having a depression since years old and every time i see someone die at that young age i realize how i wish that was me lying in that coffin because they dont have to suffer anymore and every time that happens i see myself in dark corner of our house trying to cry but cant now that i am going to be this year i want to end it all because it is hard it is so hard that any moment i found myself crying for no reason and i space out every time that i cant get my work done i cant even enjoy the things i enjoy before now i cant even get to show to my family my true smile every time there is family gathering i feel exhausted because i cant show to them that i am sad its hard to disguised yourself as happy when the truth is your depressed inside every time my mind starts thinking of how to end my life i cant stop it i lived for years that i dont even wished for ,post,male
depression,2020-01-01, rules for life books to video motivation only works when it comes from a place of ambition a tenured professor who decides to abandon ship and successfully take their lectures on a worldwide theater tour has more motivation in a sneeze than any coaches half time speech a s you know jordan b peterson is an ex harvard professor and clinical psychologist that has condensed his life work into rules to bring habitable order to your life the lobster king the overlord of order and chaos kermit the frog himself helps light a fire under our ass to kick off the new year nicks non fiction links yt https youtu be s vxsuq oxa https youtu be s vxsuq oxa applepodcasts https podcasts apple com us podcast https www youtube com redirect v s vxsuq oxa amp event video description amp redir token y bdznvpqisgq ezs gsfhx bf mtu nzk ntmzmuaxntc odg otmx amp q https a f fpodcasts apple com fus fpodcast fnicks non fiction fid  soundcloud https soundcloud com user   https www youtube com redirect v s vxsuq oxa amp event video description amp redir token y bdznvpqisgq ezs gsfhx bf mtu nzk ntmzmuaxntc odg otmx amp q https a f fsoundcloud com fuser  ftracks thanks for stopping by ,post,male
depression,2020-01-01,parents indian parents help m so my mom considers me a psycho and gives me the typical dont be sad its all in your mind talks every goddamn day how do i educate her on how bad depression can be im on meds and my therapist doesnt want to talk with my parents yet but its killing me its been an year since ive been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder ,post,male
depression,2020-01-01,has anyone tried meditation for depression my dear friend shared meditative mind with me and its seemed to help so much with handling everything anyone else have success with meditation https youtu be c kpa b m,post,male
depression,2020-01-02,dont know where im at right now first post m i feel as though i havent been the same since end of start of  i fell really hard for a friend with benefits and since then i feel a fear has been instilled deep inside of me where i feel as though no matter how hard i try i will never be happy and or confident again i mean i finally found a passion in and i lost mt virginity very big things to me and somehow from the heartbreak passion for anything seemed to just die how did i get here ive accomplished nothing since ive failed uni consecutively with attempts just cant focus or care enough on my nd last attempt i fell for another girl and i got even worse i feel totally disconnected from everything and anything i feel like im already dead and that makes me want to be dead i feel so hopeless ive lost alot and i dont care about anyone elses feelings anymore im selfish maybe because ive been punished for showing empathy pretty consistently maybe or maybe i wanna believe that im not sure i can come back from this again maybe im just broken now ive tried to talk to girls no luck just a couple dates in i was connecting in a sexual way without even trying idk i feel like this time im unconsciously depressed evidence around me shows me im doing worse but i havent thought ive gotten worse all i like doing now is drugs mainly weed never thought i could feel so sociopathic idc that i havent spoke to my closest friend in like weeks i also am diagnosed with bpd traits not everything apparently but yeah makes it hard to be alone but at the same time i love it its like i love to punish myself because i hate myself ,post,male
depression,2020-01-02,my important friend had an accident since months has now amnesia from trauma and does not recognize me which is difficult for me to accept i m have known my friend nikol f since years and help since i know her its not really about me instead more about nikol but i would appreciate everyones advice and support also im not sure if this is the right community and honestly really dont know where to start the story because its way too bizarre to understand or believe it but ill try anyway nikol was born with cancer is allergic to the sun has bad luck in life and is innocent since always because her parents have never loved or cared about her all they ever did was abuse mentally physically and talk bad for no reason her father is actually not really her father because she had a blood test and the result was that her mother was with her uncle her younger brother stole her nintendo switch and never gave it back she never got money support from her parents that she needed for school university not even lunch the whole family are bunch of irresponsible rude people the only good thing that nikol had in life was her dear late grandmother who took care of and raised her to be an honest good and heartwarming person i always liked nikol because she is a wonderful interesting smart etc person and did everything i could to help so that she has a better life that she deserves like to help her mentally gift her a good bed so that she no longer has back pain laptop so that she has it for university cell phone so that she does not become alone and can talk with me switch so that she has fun a rabbit that gives her joy etc etc etc i know it would sound like a scam at first sight but for me its not because no one really got to know her that well but i really know and talk to her almost everyday and that its not a waste so im the one who helped out and bought all the stuff that she needed in life and that i really dont care about money or that she never would dare to ask me about doing all that in the first place but it showed how grateful nikol really is with tears of joy because of my kindness i also took good care for a short time of her late grandmother paid for a proper grave and promised her before that that i will take care of and protect nikol so that she doesnt have to worry anymore which made her happy and feel at ease until the end nikol should be happy and if she dies then everything was for nothing and i really love her and want her to live so i only believe that i can help her and that she needs me but now i just dont know where to start nikol was really always depressed because her life was already bad enough thanks to her family suicidal since the accident which was months until the trauma amnesia started now she cant recognize me anymore and its really hard for me to accept the truth so i would really appreciate everyones help sorry for my bad english ,post,male
depression,2020-01-02,i f was doing better my ex m talked to me and now im bad again my ex and i were broken up and still living together for multiple reasons but it got to the point where we didnt even try to be friends anymore and we just didnt interact at all that went in for a few months i spent a lot of time going out with my friends and making new friends and i realized i started improving but just this past week my ex started having conversation with me while we were packing so we could move out before the first today i knew we had to communicate but we didnt have to joke around update each other and just interact the way we did it was completely shocking and i didnt think itd effect me so much but it did i love him so much and talking to him like old times made me so incredibly happy but now im a mess i feel like ive lost all the progress i made he left on the morning of new years eve without saying goodbye i went to work right after he left and figured hed be home by the time i was out but nope he was gone he changed his number too so when i tried to call him about some stuff he had left behind i couldnt reach him this was all a big shock to me i rang in the new year confused and in tears frantically packing and moving everything to my parents i dont know what to do i feel terrible i feel like im slipping back to feeling the way i did before i think him interacting with me the way he did made me feel like he wanted to try to be friends i dont know i wish he had just left me alone if he had planned on leaving so abruptly ,post,male
depression,2020-01-03,successfull from the outside i m almost am enrolled at a good university i am certified in a well paid domain and i am also a volunteer for charities amp projects the university is constantly taking my hard earned money because i am miserable at any subject that is not the niche mentioned above my parents are also poor but because of good money management i grew up without feeling it as much as i do now i am self conscious because of teeth problems amp past bullying i intended to use the money that ive earned to solve the situation with the teeth but the university had other plans with me i gave but now im back to the square  with even more exams to pass because they stacked even though i have friends from volunteering i dont feel so close with them in order to discuss personal matters i tried to give signs of depression to some people but they dont seem to notice because i am chill or a wonderful person or whatever they call me the thing is that sometimes i cannot sleep at night by how stressed i am not only i have those issues i also face the pressure made by their expectations of me so anyone with the same story how did it turned out for you english is not my native language so sorry thank you ps i still need to wait months before i can get a job in my niche ,post,male
depression,2020-01-03,consistent desire for disconnection any tips hi r depression i m australian am posting due to my recent bout with my depression and this overwhelming feeling of disconnection but i want to know what tips or methods have helped some of you so that i can do everything to beat this consistently no matter whether im with people working in a public place or at home by myself im always finding myself having this desire to just ignore everything around me and switch off but not zoning out more like this desire to disappear completely the relationships i have with people the work i do and the hobbies i try to explore conjure no feeling or meaning for me they feel pointless all i ever want is to get back into bed or have something in front of me i can focus on to distract me from this feeling this makes any steps i try to take in life so much harder and im just so tired of fighting myself all the time currently i have a psychologist that i see once every months and im on mg of sertraline my goal for this post is to find out anything i havent tried before that might aid me im just feeling lost and thought maybe speaking to others whom have had similar experiences would be beneficial sorry if i sound desperate but im at the point where i am ,post,male
depression,2020-01-03,the difference between situational depression adjustment disorder and the idea that depression follows you everywhere i am writing this post because of what i am currently experiencing quick stats m in college working part time at a machine shop live with family life is great from an outsiders viewpoint and it should be great i do well in college without trying too hard i love my apprenticeship i have some really cool hobbies and own some really nice things everybody tells me that ill amount to something great i tend to think in a different way than most people can elaborate on that not bragging sometimes its a disadvantage if you didnt guess already i was a gifted kid maybe thats what screwed me up it seems that neither myself nor anyone i speak to can prove anything as the culprit but my life isnt great about of the day goes by relatively ok but starting about a year ago december  i lost the ability to have hope and to deal with the other my hobbies working on my old truck shooting shotguns collecting things geocaching etc have become much less enjoyable ill save the rest of the symptoms list unfortunately you guys know all about them but the main ones have been losing interest in good things thinking about death way too much but no plans for an early demise and anticipating that my future life will be shit that is the part of the day where i encounter hardships and worry about my current and future life i went to several therapists who did not seem to believe that i have clinical major depression theres nothing to suggest it two of them believe that i could be labeled under adjustment disorder which to my understanding roughly translates to situational depression in my situation its situational as hell thats for sure heres a basic version of what happens ill use an analogy which has actually happened over two dozen times in the last six months i am working on a project in the garage an expensive part or operation is somehow damaged or otherwise fails to work successfully i rightfully recognize that the damage will cost  which is two weeks pay thats two weeks of extra work two weeks of grinding two weeks without my prized truck i start thinking instantly about how badly i screwed up about how i cant even complete a simple task about how big of a deal this is then i realize that its my own fault i chose to bow down to my parents and go to college adding stress to my life i chose to only be able to work part time i chose to have limited funds and free time and at that point i see life as boring futile and in some cases not worth living and thats a stupid example too it can be anything a screwup at work a hard day at school a traffic jam which results in missing something important to me family reinforcing the idea that my life will suck in the future etc basically something triggers it always a failure or delay or hardship of some sore i think way too much and spiral into a depressed state and i stay there anywhere from an hour to almost the whole day but its not there  only when i feel unable to do something important whether or not im at fault situational and i hope that it improves when i was in high school it was even worse i had much less money and time the things i do now were only dreams i had so much hope for my future i thought i would skip college work for a few years save up buy a few acres and build my ideal life literally by hand if you cant tell im a bit of a redneck i like working with my hands and building fixing things it can make and save you a lot of money it could get me to where i want to be i chose to live at home go to college not make enough money to fuel my needs and desires and i cant get out for two more years i have a lot of hope though that after i am free from my shackles that i will have an easier and more enjoyable life at this point you can choose to ignore everything above and instead focus on my question ask me things about my situation or offer advice im mainly here for option a but i thought id explain myself first i can post some writings ive done that explain my situation and thought processes in greater detail hell maybe i dont even belong here maybe im a normal person who cant get a grip on simple things id still like to know obviously situational depression is just that situational in theory it subsides once the problem is over i also hear this advice commonly echoed  wont fix you  is usually travel dating sex drugs rightfully so a new job a new city wherever you go there you are depression follows you you cant run from it forever do these saying have any meaning to a situation like mine whats the difference between having hope an end in sight a goal which ends the perceived source of your problems and wanting to metaphorically run away from your problems i hope that this community can provide some insight for me i am thankful for any information or advice offered and wish everyone the best in their personal journeys through any type of depression or mental illness ,post,male
depression,2020-01-03,bfs depression is worsening what can i do having to use a throwaway because he knows my actual reddit username for a bit of background my boyfriend m has aspergers syndrome and has always had trouble with his emotions no matter how he felt over the years there have been many improvements but if his mind isnt in the right state the vulnerabilities start to show due to my personal circumstances my boyfriends family took me f into their home last september he was diagnosed with depression last september and he was prescribed citalopram to help with his mood hes had setrolin in the past and has reacted badly to it however his family and i have just discovered that he ran out of tablets weeks ago and had been refusing to take them when he did have them at this point red flags are going off because hes always been able to take his tablets when he needs to even when he was first diagnosed his mum managed to get an emergency prescription through and shes now going to be holding onto his tablets and give them to him daily like she does with me i tried to od last summer so im under strict instruction not to handle my own anti depressants hes been missing a lot of classes because of it all and its getting to the point where hes sleeping more than hes awake last night he slept from am to pm then pm to around half pm its really worrying me as well hes given up on himself and just shuts himself away all of the time he tried to barricade himself into his room yesterday so his mum and i had to try and get him out this is very much not like him he also bit my finger swore at me and tried to throw a packet of something at me again very much not like him im guessing it was an autistic meltdown but whether the depression is contributing to the severity of them i dont know his family and i are worried that if he keeps going the way he is hes going to self destruct i would like to ask for any sort of advice or ideas you give me to help him if you could help me understand how much i can do thatd be greatly appreciated im autistic too so trying to understand things from his point of view is slightly harder than it would be thanks in advance ,post,male
depression,2020-01-04,anyone on zoloft sertraline and abilify aripiprazole m here to make a long story short the past few months have been absolutely brutal ive been battling depression anxiety for about five years now and recently i found myself sliding back into a real dark place i was severely depressed and my anxiety had started spiraling into paranoia i e intrusive thoughts not wanting to go out in public i finally went for a medication adjustment i had been taking mg of lexapro escitalopram and felt like it wasnt doing anything for me doc put me on zoloft and i saw an initial boost but found myself regressing again this past monday we upped the dosage of zoloft to mg and added abilify mg and i must say i do feel a lot better im relaxed anxiety is way down and my depression has stabilized i am just curious if others have had similar experiences with this med combination ,post,male
depression,2020-01-04,i feel depression coming back and i dont know how to tell my girlfriend i m have been dating my gf f for months and shes made me the happiest ive ever been i really love her the problem is that im feeling what feels like a long term wave of depression coming back into my life and i dont want her to think its her fault she cares about me and is checking in more because shes starting to sense something wrong and i cant make myself bring it up with her it just makes me feel like a burden even though i know she would not see me as a burden at all anyone else deal with situations like this ,post,male
depression,2020-01-04,this has been killing me mentally i dont know what to do anymore im a boy m theres this girl f in my grade from september to christmas we were in the school madrigal choir but it ended right before winter break i started doing acts of courtesy every day holding doors open complimenting her etc she was very friendly and always initiated conversations with me im very shy and an outcast so this was so exciting for me we have common interests and i really love everything about her she even gave me a christmas present and told me how happy she is that we met everything was going great until i got her number i asked if she wanted to hang out some time and she said yeah maybe we havent talked since school has started again and she doesnt talk to me anymore i spent the whole winter break in my room depressed overthinking everything and wondering whats so bad about me why nobody likes me i have had a very hard life struggling with my sexuality crippling depression suicidal thoughts and severe anxiety i thought that this girl was someone i could be great friends with but my text obviously really scared her off i found out that she thinks i like her she doesnt like me in that way i love her as a person but i have no sexual attraction to women i am getting so tired of spending every day just waiting for the next day in hope that it might be a better day this girl is all thats been on my mind lately i have been losing sleep over this for weeks i over analyze every encounter we have seeing her at school was always the highlight of my day and i look forward to seeing her at school every day when she would talk to me at school it was always the highlight of my day now she doesnt seem to acknowledge me anymore i dont know if its because shes going through a hard time or if shes just uncomfortable around me but i care about her so much and dont want our friendship to end if she knew what i go through how i really feel i think she would definitely become my friend i always want to talk to her but i get so scared and whenever she talks to me im painfully awkward there are many things i would like to say to her but i get so scared of creeping her out that i just stay silent but i think my silence also creeps her out should i move on she made me feel wonderful when she actually talked to me i want her to know how important she is to me but also explain that i dont want any form of relationship im lonely depressed unpopular unconfident and longing for a close friendship i need help ,post,male
depression,2020-01-05,feeling lower than ever after a day high if anyone could read my story id appreciate it so basically i have the worst years of my life for the last years but ive also had the best highs ever well i went on holiday away from my family to see my brother and other family i also gave up pmo for this time and since i was in a good environment it wasnt that hard to stop well anyway while ive been here and spending times with my brother i actually enjoy life and dont want it to end it all the time but the thing is this long lasted for days and now im going to have to go back to my pathetic excuse of a life i dont like living like this and i dont want to m,post,male
depression,2020-01-05,never have been loved romantically and dont think i ever will be im almost  m and i have never been loved by someone else romantically already struggling with depression and anxiety for the last decade being gay doesnt help as it makes it so hard to find a partner i see happy couples on twitter and facebook and it always reminds me that i have never been loved i have so much love to give too but nobody ever wants it and definitely will not reciprocate im just tired of being lonely i wish i had just one person to hold me tell me they have me and that im safe with them that they love me and im important to them but ive realized that is just a pipe dream i dont even know why i posted this or why im posting it from an alt feel like i just needed to type it out ,post,male
depression,2020-01-05,cant stop thinking about killing myself every night its been like a year that i have this thoughts every night when i go to sleep and i cant sleep because of that and many other overthinking stuff i plan literally everything have all the scenario in my mind but i have never tried doing it because im scared because once its done its over i can imagine my family will be sad and i will be considered selfish and weak eventually i fall asleep and sleep almost all day next day and every night i know it will pass i just try to stay calm and convince myself that tomorrow will be better but it starts over m here hello everyone sorry if i am disturbing anyone i just wanted to let it out but since i dont have any friends i had to do it here also a short story about me this is my first time writing on here i am depressed mostly because i keep everything inside who i am must stay a huge secret in this traditional and retrogressive society i live in also talking about mental health is a big taboo here so i cant even get a professional help nor talk to my parents who should be my first and biggest support i was bullied as a kid apparently it was my fault that i attracted bullies i am different in many ways than the majority and i know it sounds pathetic but really no one understands me people here according to this mentality must be all the same like sheep follow the majority blindly i am also gay so there are many things i cant share with my parents and i cant have real friends i think moving out of this country to a better place might be a solution but i need a job to earn a lot of money to become independent from my parents i actually hate money its not something we want but we need it in a way i understand why no one wants to hang out with me the depression made me stop caring about myself my looks my hygiene my teeth look horrible and i have a bad breath i didnt shower in a week or so i dont get out of my house or just to buy cigarettes when i search the internet they all say do this do that physical exercise hobbies socialize etc but nobody tells you how to do it how to even start doing anything i would like to but i just cant make myself moving sorry for the long post if you read it thank you you dont need to help me if you cant i just feel a bit better letting it all out here stay strong good people ,post,male
depression,2020-01-05,i dont know what to do m hello apologies in advance due to being on my phone and just trying to get these thoughts off before i forge long read incoming im not here looking for pats on the back or empathy really but more so answers ive been dealing with depression and anxiety throughout my entire short life so far and my entire life has been filled with sadness and emptiness on top of that i come from a dysfunctional family where my father is out of the picture and my mother relies on my emotionally and financially i left my home at to join the military and create a life for myself and hopefully start over and find out who i am and what i am ive always been referred to as a bright child level headed and determined but ive never been able to see these qualities in myself ive never experienced a period of happiness and am not sure what its like to live as a functioning human being i wake up everyday with a genuine hatred for myself and the life i am living going on as a zombie and coming home to reset and start over the next day despite this i take all the recommended steps to counter these feelings and state of mind i spend my free time researching and discovering ways to better myself and relieve myself of some of the pain i deal with but to no avail i have am in a ltr with my wonderful and successful girlfriend whos on her way to having the world in her hands i have my own apartment a job that i hate but pays the bills at the end of the day even though i work an inhumane amount of hours and i can pay my bills and have been able to afford a car i take of my finances very well and have high credit and all of the other snazzy things i also see a therapist and psychiatrist which has diagnosed me with clinical depression and anxiety and am currently on my third bout of meds with bupropion mg and buspar mg though they do nothing i exercise sort of regularly with the little free time i have and always try to remain efficient and maximize my free time taking part time classes online and handling my responsibilities as a young adult now despite that i hate myself i hate looking at myself havent looked in a mirror in months i dont know who i am and i spend the day driving myself crazy internally nothing seems to work for me and im tired of initiating paths and goals for them to fail and collapse in front of me i took classes at a university nearby this past fall while working and got into a car accident because i was just frankly doing way too much but i just wanted to feel like i was doing something for myself i try to eat a healthy diet and follow proper regimes but i cant seem to get the results i want and have wasted a lot of money throughout the process and i honestly just dont know what to do i dont know where i am where im going and whats going to happen to me i dont have many friends and many do not know of me and my personal battles and struggles i speak to my leadership for advice but it just doesnt click i feel alone and fading and i dont have much to build off of in this new year to sum it up im just asking for assistance and advice in what i can do what routes to take to get better and maybe function and be content with my life one day any help is appreciated and if youve read all this i thank you tldr high functioning depressed young male proactive and willing to do the work to get better but nothing has worked to actually help me get better do not know what to do or where to go medicated in talk therapy healthy eater exercise moderately and nothing seems to work ,post,male
depression,2020-01-06,i just want it to end m ive lost everyone literally everyone my parents hate me i have no real friends everyone i care about leaves me whats the fucking point anymore if i die no one will miss me im just a fucking parasite to everyone i know its all my fault i dont deserve to live anymore im only causing more stress to everybody around me i just want to feel loved appreciated and wanted for once in my sad excuse for a life ,post,male
depression,2020-01-06,i m am gonna come clean to my parents tonight about my struggles with depression and anxiety since the passing of my lifelong best friend last year so march of last year my first ever friend the man i spent literally years of my life with passed from leukemia this obviously had a major impact on me as he was always my rock to lean on when things got bad and when i say we were best friends i mean we hung out almost every single day since the age of we were born in the same hospital on the same day and thats how our parents met who also became best friends after his death it felt like my whole world came crashing down i developed crippling anxiety and depression which are all diagnosed unbeknownst to my parents now the reason i havent told my parents about all of this is because well im kind of embarrassed no one in my family really talks about their feelings that much and when i tried my brothers or dad would usually play it off as a joke i know it sounds really bad but i do have a loving family we just dont really communicate our feelings like that ive been secretly seeing a therapist for about months now and he keeps urging me to be open about my problems with my family but ive just been so scared i guess i came here to ask for advice on how to tell them without making it seem like theyve done something wrong i really need their support cause school is so hard for me when im baring all this pain and i want them to understand that im trying my hardest some days i literally just cant get myself out of bed tho i am taking escitalopram i think thats how you spell it and i think its helping a little but im really not sure so if anyone has any advice on how to tell them without making them feel bad about it id gladly listen ,post,male
depression,2020-01-06,how would a girl ever pick me i m go throughout my life seeing all kinds of relationships and such interesting people find each other i have friends that i hang out with and even in their weddings friends i understand and can see having but when it comes to a relationship i cant imagine a girl wanting to just be with me i cant even picture in my head someone looking at me and just smile because shes with me someone wanting to hold my hand walking down the street someone that wants to fall asleep in my arms or someone that is waiting at home just for me how in this world out of all these people would she pick me ,post,male
depression,2020-01-06,ive got no one to confide to i just want to vent this all out i dont know myself im feeling lost and regretful that i missed out on my youth im sorry if this is all over the place and wont make much sense but i feel a sense of relief getting this out here ive been waking everyday feeling there is a void in my chest im m and i recently finished college and passed my licensure examinations last october i am now at the point where my family expects me to get a job get a girlfriend start a family etc etc and it fucking sucks everybody seems to have moved forward but im here wasting away not even getting my shit together im still having turmoils and clinging on to the regrets that i have deep down inside me i was never anyones best friend i never truly opened myself to anyone even my family heck i dont even know who myself truly is because i never had a personality or self to begin with i only wore masks and put up a facade and acted out personas that conformed to the expectations of those around me at home i acted out the persona of an obedient son one who constantly helped out with housework and behaved well especially during family outings when i was with the troublesome kids in high school i wore the mask of an asshole student i broke school regulations vandalised ditched class constantly sweared and talked trash spread rumors and made fun of others college came and i shifted my mask into diligent student and i consistently aced tests and performed spectacularly academically i polished this diligent college student mask so much i did end up having remarkable grades and graduated with honor and awards but that sums up my whole years in college nothing spectacular happened i was just a book smart asshole and looking back i was that guy in class the one kid who you dont even know belonged to the class always sat alone in the corner seat doesnt have someone for the find yourself a partner for the activity bullshits never went out on parties and practically never spoke to anyone about anything aside from schoolwork and academic stuff college ended and i had to drop this mask and im left with my blank self again i worn so many masks throughout my life that i dont know my true self and personality anymore our family and relatives know me as the sweet obedient son who is very helpful and follows parents orders without fail while people in high school know me as an asshole and people in college knows me as the genius anti social kid there are times when people actually called me out for acting like a completely different person and out of character since ive only been showing them a mask of myself needless to say this identity crisis maybe crippled my social life as nobody treated me as their friend sure there were some acquaintances but they all since drifted away and doesnt keep in touch anymore i feel like i wasted away my youth and i am never gonna experience it anymore im longing for a best friend that i can visit unannounced i missed out on having a tight knit circle singing all throughout the night in a karaoke bar i missed out on having friends that i can do shenanigans and banter with i missed out on flirting with the opposite sex i missed out on my youth ,post,male
depression,2020-01-06,i m feel like im wasting my life i dont know if im in the good subreddit because i havent been diagnosed with depression but i have to talk about my situation somewhere and i chose this subreddit for lack of a better option ive been alone all my life im an introvert and not really good at social interaction i had about four friends in high school but we all went separate ways and i barely talk to them anymore ive yet to make a friend in college due to my lack of social skills and my shyness my only true friend in life is my brother whos older than me all good things come to an end eventually and things get more and more serious with his longtime girlfriend so im not his top priority anymore theyre thinking about moving out so ill lose my closest friend and one can say my only true friend when they do i come from a conservative family and we never talk about our feelings and we never did the holidays were a reminder of my solitude i spent new years eve with my brothers friends because i dont have any friends on my own all they talked about was sex and relationships ive never had a relationship and never even kissed a girl so i felt excluded and left early spending new years eve alone in my bed crying to come back to my lack of relationship this is what makes me feel like im wasting my life its sad to say but my brothers happiness makes me feel miserable i feel like ill never get to cherish the same thing he does and be alone for the rest of my life i wouldnt consider myself attractive and ive never known anyone who was attracted to me ever ive tried all the dating apps imaginable tinder bumble fruitz pof facebook name it ive never had a single match it makes me feel miserable and i get the feeling like im going to die alone ever since the new years eve episode i feel a general sadness and ive lost my appetite the things i previously enjoyed dont have the same effect on me i feel like im drowning in my own sadness i know some of you will suggest to me to go out and meet someone i come from a small town where everyone knows each other but i cant go to the city because my conservative parents wont let me and i cant pretend like im hanging out with my friends because i dont have any i just want to find someone who will understand me and help me find my will to live again but i dont see how its possible help me reddit im begging you i really need your help before something bad happens to me ,post,male
depression,2020-01-06,how to support depressed boyfriend been in a relationship for about a year f m we were kind of on and off because of his depression and his meds werent working for him he was reluctant to meeting up although we talked some through text i didnt leave though because he would be sitting in his apartment alone so i made sure to text call him at least once a day fastfoward a few months and hes on new meds and were back to seeing eachother and stuff he told me when hes with me he hasnt been suicidal things are okay for a little while until i stopped hearing from him less and less everyday he would send me lots of messages and he was happy i know somethings wrong but i dont know how to approach it and hes denying or being quiet about it i called him but hung up during the conversation because i was mad dont know if that was the right thing to do he says hes too tired to meet up i dont know what to do ,post,male
depression,2020-01-06,sometimes i just dont have the motivation to do anything i want any more i m am really struggling with my inner mind and trying to move on in life  was not a great year i had a major concussion from wrestling and i had more mental struggles i was also in a romantic relationship of a year and then i got dumped and got treated like a monster i loved her and cared for her and she gave other men affectionate attention and valued their approval online instead of me valuing and loving her and it caused me to feel betrayed and get even more depressed then i eventually pushed her away and now im afraid to date anybody else im burnt out on whole online dating world it seems to bland and all the girls act the exact same but it seems like thats how youll meet someone in this generation i flunked out of college i tried to move back home but my family drama is giving me anxiety and more depression im getting treated like im years old again my grandpa is dying from dementia ive had depression my whole childhood from my grandparents childhood pets and some close friends passing away things just seem to be kicking me down and every day it gets harder to get up ,post,male
depression,2020-01-07,lonely unhappy and losing the will to succeed m in my first year in university studying a joint honours degree in the uk my exams are a week away but my mind is in a really bad place i have been bullied for a very large portion of my life age being as far back as i can remember my entire class in primary school was against me and there was almost nobody who stuck up for me when i truly needed support i moved into a new city aged drained of any confidence i had and i hoped that by starting somewhere new for high school the bullying would stop but it still continued i was picked on and mocked for my weaknesses and differences from everybody else in school and throughout those years i had next to no friends any friends i had werent close friends and were only people i spoke to because i happened to be in the same place with them at the same time fortunately i was far too naive to consider suicide and i played games on my computer as a way of coping it wasnt until my college years that the bullying subsided since everybody matured but i then began to realise how lonely i was everybody had a solid circle of friends and i just couldnt fit into any of them approaching and saying hello to people wasnt any easier since what people have said to me in the past really stuck with me its this overpowering anxiety and fear of judgement that causes me to avoid contact and social interactions with anyone even when i manage to join a group of people i always turn out to be the silent one because there wasnt a lot i had in common with anyone and my due to my lack of social interaction over the years i had next to nothing to contribute the only thing that kept my hopes up at the time was my grades in school i did very well during my gcses and with university coming up i had a reason to do well in my a levels it is this time in my life where i could meet truly like minded individuals and forge relationships that would last a lifetime or so i hoped despite my feelings of loneliness in college i persevered and achieved the highest a level grades in my classes and with that settled i was off to university i was excited at first because being alone almost all my life i thought i could finally put all the bullshit from school behind me start a new life with new people in a new place and for the first time make close friends and possibly get a girlfriend but now i realise nothing has changed i remain alone with nobody to fall back on or talk to and im at the point of giving up on trying all the problems i had with loneliness persisted from college everybody around me people who study the same course as me and people who live in the same flat as me have all gotten along so well so quickly and once more i feel as though im not worth anybodys time when im about in university i tend to notice how everybodys made friends with each other socialising laughing and sometimes loving everybody makes it look so easy and as the bonds between these people strengthen with every passing day im left with nobody outside my family i can truly connect with i cant even keep up a conversation no less start one and its rare that im able to relate to anyone sure ive made some friends but i can never contact them since i know they have other people who lets be honest are more interesting than ill ever be sometimes theres this lingering doubt in my mind that causes me to struggle to accept them as a friend every time im going somewhere and i see couples holding hands it makes my blood boil its another grim reminder of something i so desperately need but i cant ever have its literal torture ive opened up a little bit to some people but they always seem to respond the same way if you need anything you can talk to me but can i really its just another mental barrier thats impossible for me to overcome what if that persons busy and im holding them up on something important what if theyre out with their own friends and im stopping them from enjoying themselves what if i look like an attention seeker im starting to feel seriously unhappy without any good friendships or relationships i no longer have any motive to do well in university and any enthusiasm i once had for my degree is fading with every passing day everybody in my degree on the other hand seems to be doing so much better with their studies i just cant compete with them anymore the quality of my work is getting worse when i know i can do and have done so much better but university life is becoming so overwhelming and i feel so isolated i cant push myself to do better sometimes i wish i could just quit altogether but what good will that do me now its too late for me to go back and im already letting myself and my family down enough as it is ,post,male
depression,2020-01-07,i want to run away m i got suspended from school for days yesterday for having a vape they called me and my friends out of class and made us empty out our pockets no context or anything my dad always works out of town and my mom is sick from work so i am here with her all day she yells at me for anything i just got yelled at min ago for wearing a black t shirt that i got from my grandparents for christmas while doing the dishes because its too new i just got yelled at again because i started to take clothes out of the dryer to fold them and she was mad that i didnt restart the dryer to freshen the clothes again before i folded them she yelled at me yesterday when she found out about how stupid i am for doing it and i said yea it was dumb but she proceeded to yell at me for it and tell me how gross it is while she was smoking a cigarette she literally hates me and is the worst parent i have ever seen in my life she is drunk almost every night and my sister is and my mom smoked weed with me and my sister a few weeks ago then the next day yelled at me for it and said it will ruin my life ,post,male
depression,2020-01-07,went to a top school graduated a year ago now want to commit suicide i am m graduated from university last year unemployed without a car without a girlfriend or social life without financial independence with parents who resent me more and more everyday with an expensive degree that loses value day after day and without a will to live six years ago i got admitted to a top stem program and moved a couple hours away from home i was overjoyed i was smart and going to have a bright figure guaranteed a good social life and career more good grades too everyone told me this and i bought it how naive and idealistic i didnt recognize my own fundamental weaknesses i wasnt capable of it i didnt realize i was fat and had a bad personality didnt see what others saw when they first saw me i didnt know i lacked willpower i didnt know i couldnt cope with failure i didnt know i had thyroid problems or adhd i didnt know that i would fail my drivers license tests and become anxious about cars roads driving i didnt know i would be shit at my major do unrelated internships and be outclassed by other candidates for jobs for internships and even now i didnt know i could make it into a final round interview only to have the interviewers immediately invert their opinion of me because im fat i didnt know i would make no friends and everyone would be more successful than me i didnt know my ego would fall apart so much so fast i didnt know i was little else so yeah here i am same as years ago except worse because now i know what i am to the world fat unsociable and unemployed and now unemployed unable to move around with a lot of debt and disappointment and as always incapable of self improvement i want to kill myself not that i will but i want to and with this great burden i am expected to achieve infinitely more than i did before in my life make money have a career have a wife and kids be a good brother and a son live long and happy what a joke ,post,male
depression,2020-01-07,im south korean immigrant m in canada saw my grandpa cry while were on facetime i feel extremely bad because i made him cry i grow up with my grandparents until i was and my parents took me to city however i was visiting my grandparents every other weekends ive decided to come to canada for schooling when i was it was december  i graduated high school at and finished my electrical engineering program in collage so i got a job and married a canadian woman as well i was visiting south korea once every year but i never told my grandparents that i have pr permanent residentship and thinking of getting citizenship as well i couldnt lie to my grandpa anymore since he is very old and my poor grandma just had stroke twice last year shes recovering now i couldnt be there because of my work and cost of fight tickets so i told my grandpa that i have pr when i was on facetime with him last night he was holding his tears up and telling me that feels happy that im doing well i have no idea what to do with my depression i cannot stop thinking about my grandpa i feel like im doing things wrong now ,post,male
depression,2020-01-07,im supposed to start college again tomorrow morning i feel like cant do it m its been years since i last finished a semester of college i completed years no associates though because the university im at only offers year degrees in my time out of school ive been working but quit my job in november because management was heading south fast and by the spam texts ive been getting from coworkers it seems i made the right decision i have a pretty hefty savings account as ive just been living at home and have no expenses other than student loans but my parents are expecting me to be doing something here soon i told them id be going back to school im all registered and set to start tomorrow but i just cant i cant see it working out just like it didnt before i still have no real idea of what i want to major in i dont want to waste tons of money by taking random classes to figure it out the program i did end up on is going to be another years if i start it i dont have the attention span or the motivation or the want to attend class i can barely get up and get there on time my brain doesnt stay focused i zone out so fast i cant sit still at a desk and i dont just want to go i dont know what im doing with my life ,post,male
depression,2020-01-07,should i try medication m a little over two years ago i had my depression diagnosed after some pretty bad manic episodes including a few bad panic attacks and genuinely wanting to end my life no concern for whether i live or not i was able to find motivation to try and be happier and decided that i didnt want to use medication or try talking with psychologists i tried really hard to feel better and i improved a little bit but my depression has always stuck with me whats concerning to me now is that when things are going relatively well for me in life just got great grades for my first quarter of college met an amazing girl that i have been dating for months made a group of really cool friends im not able to enjoy these things because its just so damn difficult for me to be happy whenever i try to think of whats going well for me in life i can only think about when all this good stuff is going to end im really unable to just enjoy the positive things in life because of my extreme pessimism and my chronic anxiety makes me stressed about any inconvenience i really dont want to slip back to where i was two years ago and i wonder if getting professional help would be beneficial for me or if opening up about my problems to my friends would be helpful in any way ,post,male
depression,2020-01-07,is this unhealthy for me my dad constantly complains to me m about all of the problems in his life ever since his dad died years ago he says he has no one to talk to about his issues ever since he died and he cant make friends so he has to vent them out to me he cant vent to my mom because they are divorced in fact lately while complaining to me he has been calling my mom names and complaining about how stupid she is beacuse of adult realted issuses this all places lot of stress on me as i always feel like i need to do something to help him what should i do in this situation ,post,male
depression,2020-01-08,find myself hi everyone let me give you a small background about myself formation i got my marketing degree year ago its been month since i stared looking full time for a job in my field of studie no luck im currently in a goverment program who help people find job and with all those effort i find myself thinking why am i even trying to find a job that i will not like no marketing job seem to lit my fire myself im a m im a french canadian so english is not my first langage but still i can manage i have depression low self esteem social anxiety and a lot of self hatred no real passion i like art in general like literature cinema music video game animation etc onth ago i started exercice more got my first gf when i was broke up with her month ago i was the one who pull the plug because she was mean to me most of the time i miss her tho a lot im crying every night these was the only happy years of my life my friends are in other cities i text my best friend often tho my family dont understand me they dont get what depression is at all beside my bro who live in a another city too amp x b so first thank you if you read all of this now im thinkin about killing myself everyday i hate myself i feel like nothing is fun everything is gray and sad but i hate giving up in month i want to go somewhere not for a vacation i want to find myself and a relax job in a pretty place and pile my money then with that money i wil make my dream come truth and start my own small business me and my best friend who also have this dream have a few really good idea its the only thing that is keeping me alive amp x b if anyone have idea of place where this dream could start im not looking for the ultimate answer just for some opinion and idea of place i might not know like banff in alberta for exemple ,post,male
depression,2020-01-08,help finding help hi all new here but i didnt know where else to reach out ive been struggling with depression for most of my life m i am on zoloft but i recently went through a tough break up and have moved to a different city i want to find someone to talk to a therapist psychologist psychiatrist etc however i have tried looking online and the searches are horrible i dont know many people around my area denver co usa and im not sure what kind of specific help to seek if yall have any tips on good search engines or places to find resources in person please let me know ,post,male
depression,2020-01-09,longing for the sister i never had i was on a hour plane ride from rome to miami yesterday and spent the entirety of the ride talking to a super chill girl from miami f whos studying in tallahassee we were able to talk about anything and its obvious that we see each other as just friends but for some reason she felt like the sister i m never had i only have one brother m and have thought about how much better life would feel if we also had a sister who is only a couple years younger what conversations we would have what living with a sister would be like what our social lives would look like how we would shape each other and change each other for the better thinking about it too much gets me upset but i have always felt like i was missing something from my life and maybe this is it a girl who can truly share do and be anything with me and who i can truly share do and be anything with as two inseparable chill friends almost like brother and sister ,post,male
depression,2020-01-09,chronic illness chronic pain anxiety and depression f hey sorry im just going to spill all of my problems right here in my first and most likely last reddit post enjoy for as long as i can remember ive suffered with chronic illness and chronic pain for those who are unsure this is illness and pain which has carried on for an extended period of time usually more than a few weeks in my case years recently i have been actively trying to find the cause of my health issues but unfortunately have come up blank again and again i am now being sent to a rheumatologist for arthritis and auto immune disease its becoming difficult to go to the doctor as im terrified of the outcome and there is no motivation behind getting better because it seems impossible im finding an increase in my anxiety which was usually only in social situations i now feel anxious  i think its mostly because of the uncertainty of whats wrong with me and if it is an auto immune disease arthritis ive seen how much they affect peoples lives and i dont want the rest of my life to be pain and medications and then i get anxious that maybe my partner m will get sick of me im always tired my mood swings are hectic and my sex drive has virtually vanished he tells me he doesnt care about sex and i want to believe him but its just so hard considering hes only as well i feel like im making his life stressful and he is missing out on so much as much as i dont want to i get incredibly jealous when he talks to a female friend or chooses his hobbies over spending time with me i dont want to feel like this because then i cause arguments and he thinks i dont trust him i feel his frustration all the time which just makes me more anxious and depressed that he wants to leave but feels bad for doing so sometimes i wonder if i should just leave so he can be with someone fit healthy and ready to live i know he doesnt want to leave me and this is just the voice in my head telling me these things but its so hard to fight it i feel so alone i dont have any motivation to do anything i love art but cant find the right head space to do it it just feels as if theres no point i dont want to live the rest of my life sick i want to really live it or not at all for my job im a trades person so a majority of the time im driving it is increasingly difficult to not do something and make it look accidental steer into a truck going km hr maybe a tree that looks thick enough to do some severe damage i get this strange feeling that comes over me like i could just suddenly jerk the steering wheel and itd be over with i think the only reason ive stopped myself is my family i was lucky enough to have a family who in spite of being emotionally disconnected theyd still care if they knew how i feel i have little siblings and cousins as well some of which wouldnt understand what had happened i feel guilty about how id make everyone else feel in a way putting everyone else above myself has become a good thing for once ,post,male
depression,2020-01-10,a serious of unfortunate events hi everyone ive re written this a few times because it is very difficult for me to write about so hopefully it will be more coherent now to give a bit of background i am f unfortunately i feel like i am a very unlucky person i feel very depressed and upset dont get me wrong i am in a great relationship with my significant other m and have been for years now i have an amazing family and im pursuing a good education but i feel that things in my life are destined to go awry like god is punishing me for something it feels odd laundry listing major events that have happened my life but it shapes what i am talking about when i refer to my bad luck or the constant bad things that are occurring im going to list things by grade age age my mom and dad divorced my mom remarries to my stepdad and had my younger sister my dad remarries to my stepmom and had my younger brother third grade half my mom divorces my stepfather who i became very close to and begins dating his brother essentially my uncle we move in with him and his kids from a previous marriage and i switch schools my mom and stepfathers brother get engaged third grade half while im vacationing with my grandparents my stepfathers brother dies of su  my mom suffered from mental illness and alcohol addiction so this made it much worse my mother and i move in with my grandparents and i switch schools again fourth grade my mom buys a house and moves about minutes away from grandparents where i switch schools again she is suffering badly with alcohol abuse and i have to deal with it often being woken up by her in a drunken state fifth grade my nana who was my rock passes away from breast cancer sixth and seventh grade my mom is in and out of jail for duis i am going back and forth from my moms home to my aunts home eighth grade when my mom got sentenced with a longer jail term i move in with my dad stepmom and younger brother none of whom i was particularly close to and switch schools again i visit my mom in jail talk to her on the phone and sometimes write letters she then attempted su  she passed from brain complications a few months later i went to a therapist twice but convinced her i was fine i really would go again and think it would help but dont have the money sophomore year my stepmom who i became close to passes of breast cancer and at the time we were not on great terms now to the present day ive been diagnosed with nafld i feel like bad things are constantly coming my way and am afraid of ever being happy with fear of impending bad luck reaching me i am in college but have barely any friends because i am not even sure what i enjoy doing anymore i cant find passion for anything and do not have any hobbies i love to travel especially to disney but i dont have the money to do that all of the time overall i just feel lonely and scared and often have serious existential crisis where i fear that i am going to pass away i think i am just scared to live but i do not want to die i dont know what to do does anyone have any advice on how to get rid of bad luck or how to find purpose in life or activities i know it is mostly perspective but i seriously feel like good things never come my way and if they do theyre quite short lived i sincerely thank anyone who has read this and has any advice to offer im just feeling really depressed and do not know what to do anymore thank you ,post,male
depression,2020-01-10, m i started going to psychiatrist she prescribed me with few drugs that only worsened the situation nice she also told me to open up to someone even thou i just cant is this just me or someone else also feels like psychiatrists rely on drugs too much instead of actual psychological help support ,post,male
depression,2020-01-11,fomo anxiety and depression are ruining my life m here im what some would call an introvert extrovert i like to be alone sometimes but i also enjoy hanging out the problem is i always feel like my presence is unnecessary for most of my friends people just dont care about wheter or not im around i have goals i go to the gym i try to become the best version of myself everyday but thats not enough i see everyone going out having fun while im here sitting at my desktop on a friday night i might be losing my s to anxiety and depression and i just dont know what to do about it it gets really tough and sad when you work hard on yourself everyday but no one seems to give a fuck about you honestly im not exaggerating sometimes i feel like im going to end up alone sad and depressed living with remorse wishing i could have enjoyed my life more however im young i still can change that if you have any advice that will help me pls share thank you ,post,male
depression,2020-01-11,how to live with all my deformities i feel like i am a biological error that should be eliminated hi i am m  i was born normal and everything was ok but everything started at puberty my skeleton didnt develop as a normal male my shoulder width is as wide as my rib cage and hips my mandible is underdeveloped have a slight degree of genu valgum i was fat and so depressed and i went on a huger skrike which resulted in much weight loss very rapidly and now i have some bad loose skin i was circumcised at y and it went wrong and much of my skin was removed i am very depressed i live in a country where a family is everything meaning every member should get married to father or mother new members and my family will ask me to get married one day but i really believe i am an error and i better be alone and die in much pain and depression i have been always a top student have a lot of good friends who love me but they love me cos they pity i study in college and see girls look at me and laugh it kills me my questions are how can i convince my parents that i am nothing and should not even talk to a girl not to get married how can i live my whole life alone without a love without children i have been living alone for years now and i am about to lose my mind i always tried to be a better man but nothing worked tnx ,post,male
depression,2020-01-11,clinical depression strategies im m and struggle with clinical depression some days are easier than others to fend off the negative thoughts i get when i feel down on my self and some days i just feel this way for no reason today was going well until i went into work and all of the sudden my chest started to feel heavy and i started to think negatively about myself i had been doing alright for a week i was challenging myself to be more outgoing to conquer my social anxiety and attempting to have a genuine smile on my face more often to have pleasant conversations with strangers which is an improvement ive been reminding myself that i deserve to be happy and that i shouldnt get down on myself because i tend to over think things im not certain if my anxiety is also at play here but im definitely feeling something depressing does anybody feel the same if so what kind of strategies or coping mechanisms do you use to avoid this feeling ,post,male
depression,2020-01-11,i feel like a porn version of a crackhead baby im a m and i think its fair to say that i am a porn version of a crackhead baby as far as i remember i started watching porn at the age of thanks to growing up in a third world country where its government does not show any concern about what goes on in the tv because of this the playboy channel was actually a local channel when i move here to america during the s things did not get any better as we had the spice and adam amp eve channel included in our cable aside from this i also had older siblings who use to leave their porn videos and magazines lying all over the place aside from porn i also feel traumatized by the voyeur life i was forced to live during these days my mom was a retailer of underwear lingerie and other intimate female attires she uses to sell them either at home or other places like at the clients home salons etc and she would bring me along to help her carry the merchandise while there i remember they all used to come out of their clothes all the time to try on the merchandise all in front of me and disregarding my presence some even used to tease me aside from that my mom was also a frequent traveler and she would leave me with lots of her friends and relatives in some instances ive would overhear these people have sex from a room distant apart some nights fast forward till today i been a big porn fiend and it has affected my sex life in many ways it has made me fear women barely feel pleasure during intercourse cant maintain a good erection unless i have porn thoughts and focus on them cant even orgasm ejaculate via intercourse always have to tell my sex partners to give me handjobs instead but even then i still cant orgasm right away unless its my hand and if i do i feel a little pain and discomfort till then i think i already lost hope in finding a treatment for this even though im thankful because i know there are a lot of folks who had it worse than me out there,post,male
depression,2020-01-12,parents are my controlling my m life and i am depressed my parents do not allow me to live in a university dormitory go outside alone unless to class get a license frankly they dont let me do anything without their permission or alongside them this all has gotten more severe in the last years i came into college with a clear career path and joy for the future now i am questioning what i want with my future likely because they control everything i have lost nearly all my self confidence i find it hard to push back because i know they will either make false promises or say no i remain optimistic but its tough i realize i have posted a lot on here but if anybody has any sort of positive advice i would greatly appreciate it ,post,male
depression,2020-01-12,overeating im a m im not overweight but if i buy something like a box of oreos or cinnabons ill end up eating them all within hours ill do that when im lonely or sad as a way of feeling better i know its not healthy but i cant help it advice ,post,male
depression,2020-01-12,she ended it all my life has been filled with tough times i m had a ptsd from bullying depression anxiety my st true relationship ended in disaster she ghosted me all my life have i been searching for love and then my ex girlfriend f came in my life i felt purpose again happiness love and i could finally fully love someone with my heart we spend so much time together had so many happy moments we are such a good match and understand each other it all seemed so perfect sadly her heart still lies with her ex she is obsessed over him because of her bpd all this time i fought hard and hard to keep her i tried everything and showed her all my love to make her realize that she means the world to me she appreciated it but was confused she loved me but did not realize it and even though she still likes me she feels like she needs to be alone for now and recover i love this woman with my heart and soul so here i am alone again not knowing what to do or how to feel its just empty and sadness no purpose i miss her voice i miss seeing her i miss our fun times together why is the universe so cruel ,post,male
depression,2020-01-13,ever feel like you dont recognize yourself i m realize that my looks are changing as i get older but when i look in the mirror i dont see myself anymore its like i recognize the man im looking at but i dont see me i dont even feel like me like im unable to be myself and i cant figure out how to get back to being myself i feel stuck like i dont have a clue which direction to step next no feeling of urge to go in any certain direction but the least amount of confidence and no content with where i am dont know how else to elaborate on this ,post,male
depression,2020-01-13,getting abandoned constantly pls read cant believe ive succumbed to the depression subreddit but here it goes im a gr student m and ive always been abandoned by my friends and romantic interests my elementary best friend abandoned me in gr leaving me with no one my gr best friends who i made from scratch they were like brothers to me abandoned me in gr every woman ive tried to get with in high school has either played me hooked up with me once and then gotten a bf a week later or chill with me a few times and then ghost me completely this rly has me bummed out and depressed i just dont feel like im good enough for anyone to stick around i run through my relationships with different ppl in my head wondering where it went wrong has anyone else had this feeling how did you deal with it extra info if it helps im pretty popular attractive smart a little introverted went to a big high school am nice to almost everyone thanks ,post,male
depression,2020-01-14,i need advice my long distance bf m told me f hes feeling depressed and possibly suicidal do i tell his sister hi guys im in class right now but i cant focus knowing something might be going really wrong ive been dating this guy for a few months hes in detroit working from home and im in chicago going to university hes had undiagnosed depression probably since he was like hes got a lot of fucked up family stuff however whenever i suggest he get therapy as i have for my own family issues and depression he turns it down last night he told me hes been having a tough week today he woke up at pm and texted me that hes feeling really awful hes saying stuff like no one likes him and hes so alone and doesnt have the motivation to fix it i know he has guns and im really worried that he could easily put himself in danger or kill himself he stopped responding to my texts about mins ago and im scared i know hes pretty close with his sister but i dont know how much of the depression stuff hes told her she also probably doesnt know that hes dating me but this seems like more of a pressing issue than possibly revealing our relationship to her even if he werent ready to share i dont want to embarrass him but im worried about his safety im thinking of sending her a dm over instagram saying something like hi her name i dont know if you know me but ive been seeing his name for a few months hes been telling me some pretty worrying stuff for the past week and im scared hes feeling depressed and alone im in school in chicago and cant come see him but i was thinking you might want to check on him does that sound like a good idea tl dr my long distance boyfriend is saying hes depressed and possibly suicidal should i tell his sister who i dont know to go check on him ,post,male
depression,2020-01-14,loneliness i m have struggled with depression for around a year and a half now i shift between periods of apathy and depression its rare for me to feel joy my life feels cold and hopeless my emotional struggles were relatively minor at first but they worsened after i went through a breakup and developed a chronic illness i havent recovered since then ultimately i believe that the cause is loneliness because im autistic i have never had many friends currently id say that i only have one true friend we message eachother often but in some ways it feels like its only a brief of what i lack human connection why dont people like me i wish that i could have a real social life and a loving non cheating girlfriend many people particularly nts seem to have no trouble attaining that my lack of human connection is driving me insane maybe if i wasnt so lonely the rainclouds would go away ,post,male
depression,2020-01-14,i m cant stop feeling guilty for cheating on my girlfriend f unless i get hit ive been depressed for a long time i often feel numb and could go days or weeks without talking to anyone i only break out of it when im forced to but recently my ex girlfriend of months broke up with me because i drunkenly made out with a guy at a party im bisexual and didnt tell her she only found out when someone there told her and my depression has only got worse im not numb anymore i just feel guilty and psyically sick but what makes me feel worse is the way i process that guilt i know its messed up and unhealthy but its the only way it works i deserved to be broken up with i cheated and im an asshole i know that i was never a good boyfriend even before this so we broke up but a few days letter she messaged me that she forgives me and we should stay friends even though she said she forgives me i dont think i deserve her forgiveness and her saying that just made me feel even more guilty because i know i hurt a kind person i was brought up by pretty aggressive people where when you upset angered betrayed someone you got hurt even if it wasnt always deserved now i think i genuinely deserve to get hurt and i think its the only way to stop me feeling guilty but i know she would never hit me even if i asked her to so i asked a mutual friend m that we met through this mutual friend is much more than a friend to me hes the person i trust the most with anything and hes helped me so much in life in ways i cant even describe so i explained to him how i was feeling and asked if hed hit me he just went with a flat no and said hed never do that i tried to rile him up and get him angry at me so he would but hes never really got angry with me and it didnt work i dont want to be properly beaten up i just want to get properly slapped i have a few other friends who probably wouldnt even if i asked but i dont think theyll stop my guilt in the same way i dont know what to do its been almost weeks since we broke up and a couple days since i asked the mutual friend and i just feel like ive been festering i live with the mutual friend and i feel even more guilty every time i see him he looked so disappointed when i told him why we broke up he keeps saying that its okay and that i shouldnt feel bad because she forgives me but he wont do what i asked to help me feel better ive seen my ex a few times since then as well only with other people there and just cant enjoy myself because i cant think about anything other than seeing her cry when she confronted me about it i want to go back to feeling okay even if okay is just numb and the way i think i can do that is so messed up and i know that which just makes me feel worse i know its messed up to ask my friend do that as people on another sub have said but i just want to feel better any advice ,post,male
depression,2020-01-15,i guess i just need to let some stuff out sorry if this kind of goes all over the place or is confusing i guess ive been struggling with depression and anxiety for the better part of or so years most of it i think ends up revolving around school ive never been diagnosed or anything and i always felt it got better eventually so i never really reached out to a therapist or doctor or anything i m just entered my last semester of college i was ecstatic i graduated high school in and have been struggling to finish balancing working full time and school every semester around the beginning mostly but several times throughout i start to get a lot of anxiety and i get really sad about everything the work seems overwhelming and i cant help but think of all the time i have to dedicate to do well and how i wont have time for myself really i end up working all day doing homework when i get home walk my dog and play with him a little because i feel bad neglecting him but he is my best friend and then usually watch some tv before bed my off days from work are filled with school and classes so it feels like i never get a break this time when i started the semester on monday i was welcomed with a ton of work for the semester and a ton of work for the first assignment i would say maybe weeks of work and research due in week not to mention i still have other classes that start on thursday i was really really hoping for an easy last semester with maybe one class that requires a lot of work but now it seems like this semester will be the hardest yet i should mention i go to school for digital media lots of design work and branding and marketing especially marketing and branding ourselves lots of projects and research i know its not the end of the world lots of people have a ton of work for college there are harder degrees out there but for some reason this really really affected me i had a panic attack after class and sobbed in my car for some reason not sure if this has anything to do with anything but i also slammed my finger in my car door last thursday and its been healing slowly doctors basically just tell me that you just have to let it heal on its own but its been giving me a lot of anxiety anyways after monday i just felt worse than i ever have before ive been so depressed its been hard to do anything at work im quiet and keep to myself once i get home im tired and just wanna lay down and nap yesterday instead of working on homework when i got home i just felt so exhausted i fell asleep on the couch i had to force myself up to walk and feed my dog i havent had any appetite and have been forcing myself to eat because i know i need to eat something ive hardly been eating anything though parts of sandwiches some fries maybe and then i feel full or nauseous and cant finish it this is worse than ive ever felt and i cant seem to shake it i just want to feel normal again and i dont want to be sad and tired all the time my fiancee f has been very supportive but we are in a long distance relationship until this summer shes been away for over a year now and i proposed back in october she tries to talk to me as much as she can but throughout the day she is at work and of course gets busy i totally understand that but i really look forward to getting her messages because it makes me feel just a little better im really hoping that after this week or so things start going back to normal i keep telling myself its only more months and ill be done and all my hard work will have paid off but i just cant seem to feel better i cry in the morning on my lunch break on my way home from work and once i get home i just wish there was a way to make this just go away again sorry if this was all over the place or hard to understand i just felt like i needed to get it off my chest as i dont really have many people to express these feelings to and i dont want to overwhelm my fiancee because she isnt a therapist she doesnt deserve to bear the weight of her stress and also mine anyways thanks for reading i guess and thanks for having this place available,post,male
depression,2020-01-15,just felt that it needs to be said what do i start with i guess itll be who i am im a m and ive been diagnosed with depression months ago everything was going downhill since but was spiraling when certain events happened ive lost friends over time ive lost hope in living ive tried suicide and more school isnt helping at all i tried talking to the counselors about this and all they said was we cant do anything for you sorry to top it off anxiety kept me going like this today january th is the day i no longer stand by this i will overcome this im starting small by doing things to keep me moving then ill try and get friends back and more tl dr i have depression and anxiety i will do the best against it,post,male
depression,2020-01-15,unsure if i should consider ssris hi guys so i am m i am occasionally prone to anxiety i mean every years and usually health related but that isnt the case right now and between these episodes i have always been a very positive happy and energetic person feeling low depressed is very rare for me however due to some issues with things like visas and relationships my short medium and long term future is a bit up in the air i know what i want but there are hoops to jump through to get there and no guarantees there wont be issues along the way i know this more less describes everyone but right now this is completely deflating me i have very little energy or motivation and i have this constant feeling that everything is going to go wrong even without specific thoughts about what its been about months of feeling this way now and the visa stuff is just dragging on and on and i feel very burnt out i know that if it is resolved which could happen at any moment i will be very happy and probably go back to normal but i just worry that i have these feelings of low mood anxiety and impending doom not even attached to any specific thoughts anymore they are just there regardless for this reason im wondering if i should consider ssris or if its preferable to avoid medication when there may be a resolution of the life issues in the near future ,post,male
depression,2020-01-16,going nowhere in life m i dont have any kind of real future still live at home with my parents dead end job that i hate never been in a relationship i feel like i should just give up because i dont see any kind of improvement ever happening considered killing myself but id probably screw that up as well im just not worth anyones time ,post,male
depression,2020-01-16, m virgin whos never had a girlfriend and its literally on my mind  im terrified of ending up a  year old lonely virgin im considered ugly by most women apparently and the few who find me attractive apparently im cute like a baby cute adorable i have a babyface being this baby and cute and adorable type of good looking isnt sexually attractive is it im heavily into gentlefemdom so i would imagine that being cute would be more appealing to dommes as opposed to sexy stud but most women are submissive and want dominant men and my nature is the complete opposite i need that nurturing and affection even though im attractive to some number of women being called ugly usually very explicitly has destroyed any confidence and self esteem im missing out on life all because im physically ugly or because being called ugly so much has made me believe it and lose all and any ounce of confidence and self esteem i feel genuinely hopeless and that the existence of  year old virgins is reason to believe my fate is the same because ive been lonely and celibate for years already im scared a therapist would try to talk me into becoming content with being a loser as opposed to becoming successful with the life i want i still dont have my driver license its hard to be able to practice and not being able to drive is life crippling outside of metropolises like nyc boston san francisco etc uber lyft cost hundreds a month of you need it to go everywhere everyday i failed as a child and as a teenager and now i cant transition to adulthood by the way i was unable to leave the house for two years because i was too scared to drive and at the time was in a rural area my parents told me i was selfish for wanting a ride into town to try and get a job even in a decently urban area without transit im still in a pretty toxic household i actually had to argue against my mom because she wanted me to download the life app just for being home from work a little late she chased after me in the car and made me get in when i tried to walk miles to eat somewhere yelling at me how id get killed from a car or getting shot sometimes i hope for this before you go with the simple but true youre too old to have your phone tracked my parents actually use it on each others phones constantly getting real time notifications of location and while it is to watch criminal activity the house cameras constantly alert all of our phones when anybody walks through the door or even just walks by the house and i often get texted where are you going whats wrong i see you not just from my mom my step dad too thats bad enough tracking my constant location i might have to visit an escort to lose my virginity in  theyd see me going to an area wanting to know what im doing there i feel pretty hopeless being so universally ugly though its ruined my life the worst part is feeling that my fate is already sealed im too depressed and hopeless to be happy and enjoy anything masturbating even sucks now i get off on humiliating painful cuck shit or just feel pathetic being a virgin who cums to porn in general it seems ridiculous that poor physical looks are enough to keep me lonely and celibate you dont get anything in life without effort yet people say youll meet someone when not looking ,post,male
depression,2020-01-16,well i m feel like a complete piece of trash as far i can remember well i m feel like a complete piece of trash if somethings written here dont make sense for you i apologize im not a native speaker of the language i have always had problems in getting along with the people around me i was bullied in all the schools kindergartens i went to i was even forced to participate in activities with other problem children a few times when i was as a type of therapy to solve these problems with communication which didnt help me since i felt extremely uncomfortable around the other people my life isnt what many people find difficult my parents always loved me so much gave me attention and access to everything i needed in monetary matters but i still getting worse over the years i have severe depression and the whole package of most common mental illnesses plus some traumas i prefer not to talk about away from home ive always been treated like shit either for being too quiet or being smarter than the rest of the class or for looking intimidating by my size as a child and people using this to blaming their shit on me or for being ugly and or too fat ever since i can remember ive always felt the urge to take away my own life not because i didnt want to live but because they always made me think this is what scum should do ive never hurted anyone never betrayed anyone and yet it seems like im a bad person they never had given me the chance to learn how to talk with them and yet they blamed me for being too quiet in the last two years i have been through very complicated situations in friendship and in relationships ive lost my best friend because some stuff ruff happened ive lost the girl i cared and protected for over two years just because i wasnt the one she wanted even though she needed me innumerous times i feel bad about myself every day sometimes i lose track of what is going on in my life what i am doing my memories are becoming more nebulous and my personality is getting worse by the minute i am taking medicines to control my depression and anxiety but these do not seem to help i feel the emptiness growing stronger in my heart i didnt killed myself back in  because i was doing real therapy at the time unfortunately my therapist changed his location and i dont have time to cross the state to see him every weekend and i dont have enough mental healt to look for another one by now getting to the point i just wish i could remember things well and dont feel so worthless all the time even though i had achieved some things as a person college isnt helping either i can do much better than i do now but i have failed it various ways by my lack of attention since i was i can only feel and think negative things i dont feel loved and cant love anymore i feel like i care about certain things and at the same time i feel like i dont give a fuck to anything sometimes i conflict with what is real or not in my mind i suspect that my subconscious makes me see and feel distorted things in order to let me continue living id like to put an end to all this suicide may not be an option but if im dead what difference does it makes tl dr i dont enjoy being alive and i feel that everything aroud me is false including my mind some people are born to be the victims of others and i am one of those people ,post,male
depression,2020-01-16,my depression is destroying my m relationship with my fianc f i was originally considering making an alt account but decided against it as the whole reason i love reddit is that i can be myself to summarize my problems im a porn masturbation addict i have struggled with finding a job i genuinely enjoy and have been out of regular work for a couple of months i also smoke weed well out of moderation while i have never been diagnosed i feel that i suffer from depression and anxiety on friday my fianc called me out on my porn addiction at some point she went through my phone and saw my alternate reddit account specifically for nsfw stuff i also subscribed to personal adds and hook up based reddits i never planned on responding to them i just found something appealing about seeing the posts my jaw dropped when she was telling me about her discoveries i always silently judged myself and hated myself for this addiction i even told her as we were talking about it that i have never talked about it with anyone or expressed these feelings in any way she was cheated on before and she said this felt like a worse betrayal that she felt i would rather jerk off than be with her i told her this simply isnt true the two reasons i feel i do it are when its late and i cant sleep or when im alone depressed and need to feel something i told her i dont want to wake her up at am for a lazy fuck i told her the last thing i wanted to do was make her feel insecure and that i only had myself to blame for all this i needed this wake up call and started making changes our communication hasnt been good lately and i asked her to help me be a better communicator as i would be trying to better myself i got rid of all my porn files all the stuff i had easily accessible i unsubscribed to a lot of the reddits on my nsfw account and hope to be rid of the account some day i recently got my license to do life insurance and am starting with a new company we spent all weekend being lovers and it has been nice but all that loving threw my back out for the last couple days so i wasnt able to perform then this morning i woke up at around am she usually sleeps in i woke up and had the urge i thought it would have been selfish to wake her up to ask for a blowjob and my back was still completely out of the game i started taking care of myself in the living room and eventually she came out and knew what i was doing i tried to quickly explain myself and said im sorry my back is still fucked and i didnt want to wake you again i thought it would be selfish to wake her and request anything of her especially when i couldnt reciprocate she sent me a lengthy text and told me she is considering couples therapy which i am absolutely for i love her to death shes an amazing woman and i want to do better for her it kills me to know that ive made her feel insecure and that my actions are destroying our relationship i have no one to share this with i dont have many friends and cant really confide in anyone personally even if i did this is embarrassing to mention maybe im posting for support or accountability or just advice what i do know is i cant do this alone and my fianc has been through enough as it is im scared i will lose her any day without warning and i cant blame her for it ,post,male
depression,2020-01-17,been able to successfully keep myself out of bouts of deep depression for years but a recent demotion at work has deflated me any advice or reassurance that anybody whos been in the same boat might be able to offer i m work at a decently big car repair shop and have for about three years i was promoted about four or five months back into my first real position after doing the equivalent of car shop grunt work for two and a half years hooray and was initially very excited for my first employee review this week having had troubles with emotional imbalance and bouts of severe depression in the past ive been thinking recently about how much ive improved since i started this position all my new coworkers at the new building love me and tell me im doing an amazing job i made friends i can actually talk to about shared interests during lunch for the first time in years i could see plenty of room to grow in the company ahead of me all seemed to be going great but i was called into my boss office today for evaluation and was told the worst thing they could have told me besides firing me outright they would not be reexamining my pay which i wasnt too concerned about a little raise would have been nice but i would have understood and id be required to go back to the grunt work position i had before if i wanted to keep my job this is due to company restructuring and not my personal performance supposedly but being blindsided by this hit me like a ton of bricks and i had my first bad anxiety attack in years to the point where i was hyperventilating like crazy and almost passed out a few times my now former i guess boss was very understanding thankfully about me kind of breaking down in his office and said he would push for advancement opportunities for me in the future but after almost three years of busting ass and doing my best to make my way up even just a little bit in this company it feels like all ive put in has been for nothing and it brought all my old anxiety symptoms rushing back i dont want to make myself miserable for potentially years until a new opportunity at the company opens up for me and considering how i havent even done anything wrong to deserve this demotion its really taken the wind out of my sails as far as my general work ethic is concerned i feel like ive put in all this energy just to get booted back to where i was but with a slightly better paycheck i dont know i just needed to spiel because ive been beating myself up over this for hours i dont know whether to quit and look for a place that has a better chance of treating my work ethic right or just stick it out in my old shitty job im kind of thankful i still have a job at all but the fact that its the position i crawled my way out of with a ton of effort and perseverance so i would have a more fulfilling role in the company it just feels like a real kick in the teeth i might need advice or i might just need some moral support im really conflicted as to how to process all of this right now and what i should do from here ,post,male
depression,2020-01-17,deepest ive ever been its time to get something off my chest the entire story no softening i really hope this wont get drowned under new posts and wont get seen this is a very long post filled with sadness dont read if you dont feel like it no tldrs here my apologies for swearing im years old and please dont take this in an arrogant way because i dont know how else to word it highly intelligent my entire life be it school uni work gaming whatever im just good at whatever i do usually one of the best yet i am as insecure as can be i dont like the way i look mainly the face i say stupid shit to friends and then regret it even though i know they probably forgot it the moment i walk through the door i think about freaking everything around when i was i was fucking up my school and started to dwindle down into sadness this got worse and worse to the point of depression and meetings with a psychologist this gave me some newfound strength and i pulled myself together and cleaned my room it was a freaking mess floor had multiple layers of trash maggots walking around plain fucking disgusting but i did it and it felt so good i had all the standard symptoms not able to get out of bed eating badly neglecting relationships with friends but worst of all lack of discipline and hygiene so for the past years i have barely brushed my teeth i cannot get myself to do it its such a stupid minor thing youd think its no problem but it is when i was my teeth were basically rotting away huge brown gap between my front teeth and many many more problems and the pain man the weirdest thing was that none of my friends or family ever said anything about it didnt they notice were they just being nice i was so insecure and ashamed of myself couldnt bare to look in the mirror then an aunt of mine with plenty money decided to jump in and offered to pay for the entire dentist plan to get everything fixed even though i am terrified of that fucking tooth doctor i was going to do this years of countless treatments around unimaginable pain teeth removed molars luckily and about k further i had the balls to laugh with teeth again it wasnt perfect it was yellow and it was a whole lot of clay but it was a set of teeth that people were allowed to see so all you have to do is just pick up the fucking toothbrush and maintain it right yeah now my teeth are quickly degrading to the same point as before and fuck man i hate myself back to the spiral of hating myself gt not getting out of bed gt hating myself more gt fucking everything up for the past year the depression has been at its worst its ever been committing suicide has become a daily thought when im laying in bed and summing up all the things im fucking up and all the shit ive said to people and regret i enter a very very dark hole then the morning comes and i go to work again i have talked about this with my best friends and family they support me with so much love but they cant fix me nor do i believe another psychologist can fix me i dont want be dependent on medication the funny thing is that except for my teeth for an outsider i would probably be described as someone who has his shit together some have even told me they look up to me and that i am special i have run my own software company for the past years with my best friends we have recently recruited our first employees we are moving into a new office space this saturday a whole floor for us and i currently earn an acceptable pay of k net with the outlook of growing hard i have a couple of beautiful friends who i can share everything with i love them to the moon and back i even have a few great hobbies everyone tells me how much they like me as a person and how they love it when im there but shit i just cant get a grip on it every day is another wave of sadness im just sticking around because people would fucking miss me oh and my mom i dont want to do that to you the thoughts are becoming more than just thoughts why live on this earth if i struggle with simple shit like brushing my teeth and just living in despair why keep dealing with it man i dont know anymore i might just freaking do it shit man i kinda wish i wasnt this intelligent even with all the cool perks you get learning analyzing fast logic manipulating a few pointers which might help understanding my fucked upness better i smoke a few joints about days a week been doing this since every now and then at parties i use some cocaine or mmc never out of line once every few months i had a very troubled youth my father was a heroin addict and my mother divorced him when i was since then my childhood has been a wishwash of moving times multiple schools and arguing parents i have always believed that my childhood has not affected my state of mind but people close to me think otherwise i have a very close relationship with my mother i dont know exactly what i expect from you guys or if i expect anything if youve had similar experiences and want to share id love to hear maybe we can help eachother my friends support but they dont really understand im open to any advice or opinions but go out more and stop drinking type of advices wont resolve this shit ive tried thanks so much for reading this took me a lot of willpower to write up i will try to reply to questions because i want to fucking fix this ,post,male
depression,2020-01-18,anyone had success with psychologist hi all throwaway for obvious reasons im a m and believe i have a mix of anxiety diagnosed and depression i hate talking about it because all my problems are first world problems to the max im live in la have an amazing girlfriend and make almost k a year sounds great right fuck it all i chased money throughout my twenties and now know that in amount of money can buy happiness i hide it well and am considered a driven and even upbeat person by my peers what they dont know is that i put on that fake mask every damn day and its so so tiring i dont trust my girlfriend irrationally only have genuine friends and have little family connections other than my dying father cancer sorry that was a big bitch fest has anyone had success with seeing a psychologist i found some in network with my insurance and am thinking about going ,post,male
depression,2020-01-19, m how to deal with bouts of depression i wouldnt say im depressed and i dont deal with any of these problems chronically however for the last several weeks ive felt no motivation ive stopped cooking and budgeting i wake up and i masturbate all day and i smoke a lot of weed i have a long distance girlfriend and friends around me i have a job which is really easy long distance sucks because im young and i miss her a lot and it sucks to have to be losing out on so much i guess my job is really easy but it stresses out to no end constantly worrying about my next shift and problems that dont exist other than this i try and workout lift weights everyday but like thats dragging myself and ive only done like times a week opposed to days like ive usually done i know some of these problems are specific to my life but everyday i wake up and i dont see anything changing in my life that really makes me look forward to anything everything feels like im just somewhere between here and there a place between zero and one thanks for reading erectiiedysfunction,post,male
depression,2020-01-21,i want to just sleep forever without dying m i think ive been depressed for about a year now a few months ago my parents made me go to the doctor and i was prescribed pills to help with anxiety but all theyve done is made me feel even less happy before i was stressed and sad all the time but now i guess i just feel like a husk or something i feel like life has just worn me out by now the routines and the monotony and waking up everyday just to keep feeling like trash i dont get why i shouldnt off myself i get the appeal of being alive but it just kinda sucks for me im tired of being i often catch myself staring at nothing for several minutes thinking about nothing in particular and passing out from exhaustion after full nights of sleep ,post,male
depression,2020-01-22,depression symptoms suddenly are gone m one week ago i showed severe symptoms of depression suicidal thoughts self harm and binge eating sugary foods now for the past few days i have been feeling moderately low but not as suicidal as i was before and i want to reach out for help but i dont feel like i can convince my parents to help me with that thanks for any helpful advice or insights ,post,male
depression,2020-01-22,i dont know whats wrong with me m im exhausted i feel like ive always had to put so much work and preparation just to function i dont know whats wrong with me im tired of talking to new professionals i have a lot of issues and theyre wearing me down my issues seem to be triggered by heart breaks i dont even know where to start ive struggled with depression since before middle school my first suicidal thought was in fifth grade i feel like i have multiple sides to me im a really ambitious person but on the other hand im reserved and sensetive i struggle with anxiety especially social anxiety ive always been quiet and shy but when i open up im always talking and moving im very creative i write play instruments sing secretly lol interested in stand up comedy i enjoy living life and making people happy on the other side of this ive been suffering im impulsive hypersexual and just plain reckless i dont mean to mess things up but i feel like i cant do anything right i get super moody im always up and down this damages my reletionships people like me lots of people want to be my friend or be in a relationship with me but it just seems like too much i struggle at communicating and my depression makes it difficult to be in a relationship i take rejection really bad it makes me overwhelmingly sad its hard talking about this because theres just so much im a mess ive dealt with depression since fifth grade but it got really bad my junior year of high school after a heartbreak since then it hasnt improved other lesser things i deal with are facial tics only when im stressed and depressed i enjoy alcohol sometimes too much if anyone has any i for they can help me with id be forever grateful summary i have mood swings and a lot of other issues thats only getting worse ,post,male
depression,2020-01-22,im just so scared of my life first sorry for the bad grammar im not a native speaker oh and im a m with adhd so sorry for i jump all around the place i feel so worth less all the time and i really cant get myself to care about life i have for som years now just bin numb about everything so when i want to feel something i go to p  for happyness i dont have depression or anything else so im always so a shamed about not being ok i hate myself for not being and doing as great as all the people around me i feel the need to say sorry for everything its like i have to say sorry for still being alive and i just cant let myself go from all the horrible stuff i have done im my life all ready i am so scared of anyone founding out what i have done that i have pushed everyone but my only friends away from me and because of that im so lonely all the time and at the same time as i have to try me hardest to make myself not attack others i have done many times already i push myself to have to care for my friends with anxity one of them cant even leave there house i have had suicidal thoughts for a year or two i cant remmber anymore ,post,male
depression,2020-01-22,i feel like i dont deserve to feel the way i feel im using an alt because some people i know follow my main amp x b this post will sound a bit like a humble brag but i need to write it for context sorry in advance for the broken english not a native speaker amp x b basically i m hate my life and i hate myself ive been depressed for some years time but i dont feel like i deserve it i have friends i have a great family thats always there for me i do good in school i work alot for my student union and i also work part time with a normal job for extra i believe that i look pretty good i take good care of myself i eat properly but im always sad i really hate myself but i dont really know why and that just put more fuel to my self hatred fire as soon as im alone my brain just start spittin shit about how i dont deserve to be happy and that im not worthy of anything the thing is there really isnt any reason for me to feel this way ive never had a serious traumatic experience except for basic shit like parents got divorced toxic relationships losing friends etc i just dont feel like i have the right to be this to myself because my life is on paper good amp x b i dont know why i wrote this just wanted to vent i guess ,post,male
depression,2020-01-23,pretty sure i am a psycopath i m have always had trouble trying to understand what others feel i dont feel sad when i see someone really sad or happy when someone is excited i have known this since i was very young and for all my life i have been trying to understand those things i dont understand how friends or family members communicate with each other how their discussion topics steer from one point to other along with a dash of humor for me things always go in a logical way i would try to reason and think for everything being discussed before speaking up i am a college student my friends would discuss about the problems with college life and others would join in chorus talking how it affects them and my mind goes straight to thinking what can i do to solve and improve the situation someone would say that he likes oreos and i would point out how the sugar compounds in the cream make brain release dopamine others would say i like it too i have learned such small things and am slowly learning to create such a fake conversation i also dont like talking about other people and gossip really bores me yep unfortunately even guys gossip i dont trust new people easily i remember when i was a kid i would use my intellect to manipulate others i no longer do that i feel like i am always serious and tense which is why i dont have any real friends but merely acquaintances each and every decision i make is utility based and never have i considered my or the happiness of others in my case i simply dont know what would make me happy and so i go based on utility best university more money in other peoples case i do get some idea of what they may want when i think hard about it basing on my past experiences but i have never been able to do so quick enough to influence my decision it usually is more of an after thought i dont have trouble communicating since i have always been excellent in debates speeches and presentations and have won competitions as well i am extremely confident while on stage or even a one to one conversation which has a clear purpose is there anyone else who has trouble with this ,post,male
depression,2020-01-23,ive been diagnosed with server depression and anxiety for the past years m i feel like ive always said been sad deep down ive been bullied my whole life and it didnt help when i was at home if i enjoyed musicals or stuff like that i was called gay making me steer away i have no problems with gays now but at the time i was taught that its wrong i was pushed away from stuff i liked my dad left me and all i had was my mum i started making my uncle like my dad due to him helping me a lot then my mum found my sisters father when i was about he was abusive physical and mentally he hit my mother and me was an alcoholic and smoked weed so did nearly everyone else in my family did deugs tho my mum left me for him for awhile which hurt a lot then all i had was my uncle then he left me aswell but my mum was back in the picture around and by this point in time i moved a lot aswell due to bullying i missed a whole year of school due to it fast forward down the track i was and i was helping an ex who was a friend at the time cope with sucide and depression manly late nights spent trying to help her and we eventually dated i wanted to get out of the relationship but she found out and tried to kill herself i then stayed in the relationship i felt chained up i started loving her again then she broke up with me two months later and she cut herself for braking up with me i was very confused and conflicted i then had to move schools due to me being threatened at the school being bashed and stabbed and all that i lost many people o considered brothers and sisters i then moved to the school im at and i found someone else to date we dated for a year and a half and through our that whole relationship she manipulated and made me feel wrong there was a time because i kept getting hard whilst spooning and i told her i didnt wanna do anything but she kept saying thats not right theres something wrong with you whats wrong with you it got that bad i had to go to the doctors about it she didnt care enough in the relationship to read articles i found to describe my anxiety and made me feel worthless we ended the relationship about two months ago and i tried to kill myself because i was having an existential life crisis and tried to control how i died and i just wanted the mental pain to end i had to restart my friends again because she made me push them away i had to go to the emergency ward twice because i nearly killed myself i hate that i still love her when she was horrible to me and i offered her the world and it sucks that my family doesnt understand me and my uncle said to me that i was trying to draw pity on myself and these where the reasons i closed up and when me and my ex broke up she told me she would be there for me and i believed her i told her whats happening and she used my depression against me i feel so weak and worthless ps im currently on mg of antidepressants and also on antipsychotics to slow down my anxiety i am also seeing a family counseler,post,male
depression,2020-01-23,trintellix is basically my last chance at being able to stop being a complete mental disaster and after that my life is pretty much over m ive tried what feels like everything i can for severe depression anxiety adhd and nothing has really changed anything for me being able to be under control with my anger my anxiety my depression and my disorganized chaotic brain my life is a complete disaster i spend all day in bed using reddit refreshing my profile hoping to see new upvotes so i could feel accepted by other people im so ocd that i rarely watch movies tv shows listen to music play video games or read books out of fear of not enjoying it and polluting the experience how my brain can never pay attention even with adderall and strattera i want to be an artist but im so bad at it and cant control myself emotionally when im in the activity of making anything that i have barely learned anything over the course of years compulsively practicing it if trintellix isnt my miracle then i have no reason to believe i have any capacity to change and stop being the disgrace i currently am,post,male
depression,2020-01-24, m identity crisis am i real hello everyone id like to give you a heads up since this might be a sloppy post ill write everything off the top of my head so that i wont forget anything i am a year old male living in egypt and i am having an identity crisis i am into music and movies heavily and i figure it changes my identity as a result one day i could be a gentlemen like frank sinatra one day i could be a mobster like vito corleone one day i could be a gangster like ice cube one day i could be a trap star like travis scott and one day i could be a rockstar like kurt cobain and surprisingly i find myself emerged into the identity of that person genre day and id sing recite and act just like that for a year old i have made my own music which is on soundcloud and ive started my own clothing brand which abruptly failed but was an experience i have always felt alone i never had a girlfriend a first kiss ive always been rejected and never had a lot of friends for that reason i came across a lot free time to create and explore different crafts last night i went to my first ever party and realized how much of a loser i am i am thin and small and everyone at that party was big looked and acted like a chad not to mention that everyone had a woman and i was just me trying to fit in once again wishing id be home on my computer i felt like a loser and a nobody thats when i figured why i get rejected im no chad im not interesting nor am i strong and thats when i also figured i have no identity i jump from theme to theme but there is no me i simply do not exist it has gotten to the point where i am certain im in a dream and im waiting to wake up i am clueless where i want to go who i want to be or who i currently am i lay here in bed in despair wishing id find the answer i am sorry if this is the wrong subreddit but i have no one else to talk to and i wanted to get my feelings out ,post,male
depression,2020-01-24, m who has the voice of a f and it sucks im okay not suicidal or even hurt myself but i just wanted to mostly see who has this same problem its just a really shit situation all together since ive been a kid always having that high pitches girl voice even though i have been told by doctors and other friends i will grow out of it its always been a problem online with most people thinking im a egirl and harassing me and some extreme cases of some of them thinking im a lady and hit on me and unsolicited pictures ngl its nice to hear the compliments but i am a guy afterwards and im not transgender i like my ladies it just sucks that many people hear and think i am its even come to a point a couple years ago i said fuck it and called myself crazygrandma and yurtrannygranny cus why tf not its been really bad lately with me being attacked not respected and just all around nobody listening to me if this is the bullshit you ladies out there experience online i truly am sorry you have to suffer with it its nice at least i do have some lady friends online who know about it but its just crazy how your voice can be such a judgement factor online ,post,male
depression,2020-01-24,seeing tomorrow this might be kinda long but i m think i may be clinically depressed but ive never talked about it to anyone even my brother whom im really close with so im a junior in college and i dont have many friends and ive been single for the past years in general im a very quiet person to be around and i dont like it when people stare or keep staring usually i just stay in my room and lay in bed even when theres people around i dont feel like going out ive been sleeping alot too and getting tired idk i guess it feels like im dying inside im not suicidal its just a feeling i have and i dont like it so what are your thoughts and how do i go about getting help any responses would be greatly appreciated thank you ,post,male
depression,2020-01-26,i am having a rough patch no where near as bad as some have it but i need to get it out somewhere i m dont know if this is the right sub for this or if i should also post somewhere else this might get a little depressing i am writing this first so idk yet if this is the incorrect sub and it is deleted by a moderator can you leave a comment with a better suiting sub for this post to go to before you remove it i apologise if this is just a mess i kind of just needed to word vomit everything out i am holding most of this in because i dont like talking to my parents about it yet i am saying this to strangers on the internet i play a size able amount of video games met through my competitive career if you can call it that as well as talk to a decent number of people who dont go to my school i get along so well with all of these friends that when i think about my in school friends there are really only about or i enjoy being around those school friends are all ones i really dont talk to as much i dont know why i love being around them so much more than with others i have also recently taken a step back with my girlfriend due to her not wanting a full relationship right now which i didnt really mind but not all the way back to just friends as she put it  i have basically given up on trying anything and have just accepted the friend zone and begun to space myself a little bit so i dont feel too attached if she never comes back to me specifically she told me i was the right person at the wrong time i have a post up on r relationship advice if you want to read the specifics it is a little bit outdated now but it gives most of the context i am also going to try and separate from a couple friends in which are creating un needed worry stress in my life so i can focus on the last two years of school im from australia at school i feel happy i think like i really dont know i enjoy my time at lunch and recess with friends but it doesnt really feel like properly happy when i am playing games with my online friends i really do feel happy i enjoy my time we talk about whatever when queuing for another match or when deciding what game to play or after we have played and wanna just chill all of my good gamer friends follow me on instagram none of them are pedos which was relieving and we post pictures either for the hell of it or for whatever the reason be the friends that i play games with always like and leave funny or kind comments as well as a few of my out of school friends this makes me feel good about myself whether they are doing it because they are just being nice or genuine i really just dont care but my friends from school even when they are on instagram at the time just ghost me i am on good standing with all my friends besides the ones i previously mentioned am trying to get away from i would say i am very much driven by complements even if they are just hollow ones to encourage me that why i have an issue with my school friends but it really isnt a huge deal its just pictures on instagram not everyone is on there  just hurts my feeling slightly when i see them online and i post my first picture in a while and they ignore it i wanna feel like i can do anything and i did when i was with my girl friend i always felt so happy and really enjoyed myself every time we spent time together but now i feel like i am not being told the whole truth and dont really think talking more to her about it will help but then again maybe bringing it up will help but it could also send us further apart which i also dont want ugh i dont know i want to be with her but also feel like i shouldnt when i listen to music i only feel good listening to words with sad lyrics or hard drops beats if im not listening to music when i am just browsing the internet i feel sad like i am not achieving anything whether i am reading about quantum mechanics or watching someone glue macaroni together even now whilst writing this i am listening to music its making me motivated to write this and get it out there but i feel like i get writers block in between songs it is hard to describe why is it when i am with the people i know best i feel so excluded despite being entirely involved with the conversation and having fun why is it that i dont know how to properly put how i feel into words why is it that i felt happy just a few weeks ago but now dont returning back to the friends portion of this post i just feel so much closer to the friends i dont spend as much time with or see physically all the time i dont know what else to say now  fuiobqegu w b gouqbro ugbspgji t  irfnweiodfnokjdfvsdfxvvdfvwerv i think i might have slight depression or some other condition i dont know i just feel so spaced from the people i am with the most this whole post is basically just a spam wall of all my thoughts at the moment and i apologise for that i am going to post this now because i dont want to dwell on it too long or overthink and not end up posting it i want input and advice ,post,male
depression,2020-01-26,how do i get diagnosed im m and im undiagnosed and im wondering how i become diagnosed but my social anxiety stops me from doing this so how do i confront me mum do he some help ,post,male
depression,2020-01-26,lost my ex girlfriend split years ago about half a year ago cannot seem to get over it and have never cried about it hi there this is my first post here so i hope its the right subreddit im m she was f september last year a friend of mine who ive known my entire life died in her sleep suddenly and totally unexpectedly she had a reasonably good health at least people have lived well with worse health when the news got to my family at pm everyone was crying everyone except for me me the person who knew her at least times better than my family ever did once we had a year long distance relationship stint this ended when she came and visited me and at one stage without my consent tried to give me a hand job after that we remained good friends excluding my family i knew this person the longest out of everybody lifelong friends you might call it anyway i didnt cry and i figured it was shock well its been months and the shock hasnt worn off ive looked on the internet and a lot of this seems to point to forms of depression i normally can cry so its not as if ive had a longstanding issue the closest i got to crying on the night we found out about her death was when i saw my mother i was nearly crying tears for her because i hate seeing my mum upset but there was absolutely no feeling for the girl who had died since the death i havent cried and i normally would cry but i havent is there a screw loose in my head please advise or advise a subreddit if this isnt the right place tl dr lifelong friend i have a complicated relationship with died unexpectedly and i have not cried at all ever since so im worried it could be some kind of neurological development thanks in advance,post,male
depression,2020-01-27,feel im about to toaster bath ive m been depressed for a while but recently the depressive episodes have been more severe and frequent and i dont know what to do ive recently started self harming which i know is a terrible coping mechanism health wise but is literally the only way im able to cope right now as much as id love to tell someone about it i dont wanna let my family down or anything which i know is stupid as theyre really supportive and kind but obviously nobody wants a depressed suicidal kid and i dont want to have to put them through that i also wanna tell my friends however while theyre all kind i doubt they know how to react and theyre is kinda a stigma with depressed males from what ive seen what really put it in perspective for me is when i was at a party and one of my female friends pointed out someone and told me how theyre depressed and self harm and i didnt even know the guy if i open up to people the last thing i want to happen is i become know as just the depressed kid that self harms so im kinda just as the point where im completely alone in this and everythings kinda spiralling ,post,male
depression,2020-01-27,how do i f keep from becoming more depressed after being used im pretty depressed to begin with obviously since im here i thought things were looking up for a little bit but now im back down for the last week or so ive been reconnecting with a guy m i went to high school with he works at the bar i go to so we started talking and hanging out he asked for nudes pretty early on and i sent them i wasnt really expecting it to happen but i slept with him pretty early on too i told him im not looking for a relationship but if he ever wants to hang out smoke get a drink etc im down but of course hes still blowing me off and im being ghosted i know i was used hes a jackass shit happens blah blah blah normally i can just move on and forget it but something is making me linger on this more im just so tired of shit like this happening in the past couple months ive been used by at least a few different men and its genuinely making me depressed im okay when i first start talking to them and i tend to have a pretty good time something makes it turn to shit and i wallow for too long what can i do to move past this faster i do wanna talk to him about it but there never seems to be a decent enough time tldr i was used by a guy yet again and its just making me so sad what can i do to feel better faster i already try going to the gym to help with my depression and i have mixed feelings about telling this to my therapist,post,male
depression,2020-01-27,partner is depressed stopped having sex my partner m and i f have been together for over years and have lived together for years our sex life was absolutely amazing the best ive ever experienced but the frequency of sex has decreased dramatically over the last year and its making me very disconnected and unwanted especially since this has happened before with my ex of years i ended due to the lack of sexual intimacy i began to resent my ex because i was rejected so often and other reasons however its different with my current boyfriend because he is such a great person im incredibly attracted to him and respect him very much he has undeservingly been through a lot over the past couple of years he suffered the loss of two very close family members late and early  and has been dealing with some financial difficulties which has had a negative impact on his mental health he has gained some weight as a result of comfort eating and working long hours he also dislikes his job at the moment it all started a year ago when i walked into the living room wearing just lingerie stockings and heels sat down looked at him and started playing with myself usually this would send him wild but he just looked awkward and stared at the tv we spoke and he said he didnt feel in the mood felt awkward and that he just doesnt feel good about himself lately like weight etc still he made the effort and we would probably have sex once a week fast forward to december  we hadnt had sex in weeks so i came onto him but he didnt want it we talked and he said he is depressed overweight and hates his job he said it had nothing to do with me but his own issues he said that he dreads having sex and feels very stressed about initiating it or when i initiate it he just doesnt have a sex drive at the moment he said that he wants to go to the doctors to see if he has a hormonal imbalance i said that i would let him work through it with no pressure sex aside we have a committed loving and playful relationship i am very happy with this man and i genuinely want to be there for him through everything now its been months since weve done anything sexual and im naturally feeling insecure undesirable disconnected its hard that im not able to talk about it i also cant talk about it with a friend because i feel its disrespectful it hurts that i cant help him with his depression and i wonder if our sex life can ever go back to the way it was i miss it this is out of my control so i feel like im just waiting and hoping for change please can you give me some hope or helpful advice tldr partner has become depressed havent had sex in months feeling unwanted missing the chemistry i havent experienced depression so i want to understand it to help our relationship,post,male
depression,2020-01-28,someone im m i am pursuing my post graduation course which is very competitive like cfa cpa i have attempted and failed for times my preparation were not even close where i feel that i deserved to pass i had a toxic girlfriend who manipulated me badly which affectedy rational thinking my father lives in a denial that everything is okay when he knows its not and he is just living for the sake of it he threw away all his savings in the stock market and years of service and has no property or savings to leave for his family these things have affected me psychologically i have constant headache in back of my head im confused with what i should do had been smoke free for years months and picked it up a week back because alcohol gives me suicidal thoughts im really worried about myself i dont know what to do i was the go to guy everywhere women used to admire me i was the football star in school i was happy really happy now i cant sleep as when i lie down it feels like someone is standing on my chest i dont know what im looking for ,post,male
depression,2020-01-28,does anyone else have a self determined expiration date ive been depressed my whole life m or at least as long as i can remember when my life started to plummet at an exceptionally fast rate when i was i told myself if i didnt turn things around in years id do everyone a favor and end things the last years have been nothing but stagnation alienation and further disappointment so it seems i only have years left have any of you given yourself a similar deadline ,post,male
depression,2020-01-29,feeling extra depressed lately suicidal thoughts cross my mind too frequently these days title says it all im a m and recently got diagnosed with ghsv which is also a contributing factor to why ive been feeling so down lately ive never really had much of a love life to begin with and so getting this diagnosis has been really hard on me i just dont see the point in my life i know im sure i have it better than others but im in grad school right now taking out a figure loan and studying for a job that im probably going to end up hating i put up a front and smile on a daily basis but every time i come home i just start crying sometimes i dont even know why i cry but i just start balling my eyes out i have been having a very tough time lately nothing seems to bring me joy anymore i always write music as an escape but lately i havent been feeling anything from music studying is so hard for me because im always just feeling so down and unhappy and i feel like im constantly surrounded by people who are just so happy and have their shit together and i am so envious sometimes i always think why cant i be happy like that what do they have that im missing the only thing stopping me from taking my own life are my friends and family im sure they would have it the hardest and i know it would be selfish of me to take my own life im trying my hardest here and taking it a day at a time but its really really hard i dont know how much more of this i can take any advice would be appreciated ,post,male
depression,2020-01-29, m losing hope suicidal thoughts emerging hey im just a random sophomore male in college living in the united states so what is my problem i feel like i wasted my entire life i know that might sound dramatic but here is why i grew up in a suburban middle class evangelical christian family to oversimplify things we were and still are the present time neither that particularly rich or poor you get the general picture i guess pretty sheltered from the world as well but i was too socially incompetent to have done anything regardless my time in public middle and high school can be generally characterized as a total waste teachers would always remark about how bright and lucid i was but i could never grasp the nuances of social interaction i have aspergers and thus spent the overwhelming majority of my time alone and away from others video games books and other forms of entertainment almost entirely consumed my time i ended up with mediocre grades from anxiety and transferred into community college i always knew that my social isolation from others was atypical but the full extent of my problems didnt hit until i realized awhile ago that the overwhelming majority of my peers are no longer virgins partied have developed stable social networks and are much more mentally advanced socially than i am i feel like a year old trapped in the body of someone far older people my age want to go to parties ive never even had a single true close friend in my life people want sex i just want someone to cuddle me etc im not even on the same level its left me all so insecure about myself i cringe at the realization that ive spent my entire life nearly friendless never in a relationship totally alienated from my generation and it feels like no one will never understand my problems im also deeply insecure about my own physical appearance or to put it more accurately how people react to it i get a strong sense of disgust every time i gaze upon my own reflection in the mirror its a topic that has caused me a great amount of self hatred i hate my appearance a casual glance at a site like snapchat or instagram shows how attractive men and women get adoration reverence and praise from just merely existing and me ive never been complimented on my appearance by a woman in my entire life it causes me to feel disgusting about myself like ill never be viewed as attractive it makes me feel ontologically inferior to them in some way or that reality is just playing a sick joke upon us all i cant help but feel a disgusted mix of sadness envy and repressed anger towards the world it all feels so random so meaningless ive dwelt on it to the point of being cynical about whether love truly exists theyll say that no one deserves love which only makes me hate myself anymore my social skills are non existent i never learned how to communicate with others impress women etc and the suggested help ive seen online from armchair commentators is even worse alone having trouble with the girls friends in general theyll urge you to go after the hollowest meaningless and hedonistic things in existence i see it now someone in the comments is ready to recommend visiting a strip club hiring a prostitute or watching pornography on your computer its absolutely ridiculous they just want you to shut up keep repeating crap about how the world will ultimately work out for you and wait for you to disappear from the face of it i still dont know how people easily obtain friendships etc the notion of someone other than family particularly caring about me honestly seems totally surreal like a dream youd come up to relieve yourself of sadness then cry as you realize that it is nothing more than such i just want someone to cuddle up next me i want to be loved i want friends and all of this seems forever out of my reach im also a kissless virgin who has never been in a relationship but im not necessarily depressed about it for the reasons that might be typical among my peers its less about the sex than the idea of a women finding me desirable important to her and i feel like the world is implicitly telling me that im too ugly insecure and meaningless to be loved im not unintelligent from an academic book knowledge mperspective i turned my grades around once i got motivated in college im currently riding with a gpa as a sophomore but it feels like elite schools like harvard yale etc are now impossible for me to reach regardless of my efforts any chance of that perished with my miserable years in high school my cc allows me to transfer to a top public university in our state but the whole notion still kind of stings me yeah cry me a river and all of that i always wanted to make music as a dream career i can create epic songs in my head etc i want to good at syntheizers think synthwave but i dont know if ill have the time now to ever become close to perficient ivd barely picked up an instrument before now so i dont even really know where to begin im uncertain what my career path in life will be after college im still taking prereqs now i felt forced to go to college by my parents still dont have a job still dont have a drivers license i dont even know if there is a good place for me to start off at i feel undesired unwanted and abandoned in a world that is either vindictive or uncaring about my entire existence being white male autistic socially awkward and a virgin all together at once carries a lot of negative connotations in modern day society so im afraid of what people would wrongly presume about me if i told anyone this in real life that im sexist dangerous etc i feel like the gap will make me inevitably disconnected from my peers i have no idea what a year old is supposed to have done by now do most people have friends do they go to parties im utterly disconnected from experiences that all of my peers have already done a lot of things that you are supposed to do as a teenager i utterly missed i just sat cried and got bored in my room every day how the freakin heck are you supposed to fix this in a relatively short period of time ill graduate in years it feels like ive missed the boat entirely ive never really had any close relations with my peers ever can you even fix your past im constantly overcome with the feeling of being unwanted and alone that my chance of accel at my goals is now past and that i should just lay over rot and die maybe ill survive maybe ill get a decent job but id just be a wageslaving for the next years all alone i just want to do something substantive in my life to experience the world to accomplish things to be the most moral and outstanding person i can be but i just fear that all of this has already passed am i wrong any tips any recommendations i feel like the days are going by and im doing nothing with them feel free to ask me anything about this ill respond relatively quickly im afraid of dying a cynical bitter man who wasted their entire life im already th of my way through my th year of life and i have no idea how to talk to people my childhood and adolescence is pretty much completely over and i learned nothing from it if im and things dont get better im tempted to find a legal way to kill myself somewhere i cant live like this ,post,male
depression,2020-01-29,i feel like im making it up i m recently took a leave of absence aka a fancy way to say dropped out from college at the end of my rd semester i felt like this year was going to be better and i started off well i joined the volleyball team a sport that helped me get my mind off of the outside world and just clear my head and i started off with good grades however after the first month or so i sank into a pit and couldnt get myself out i have always had a lack of motivation but recently the past years or so i have found it hard to get out of bed some days and even then it would only be to get food or play video games on most nights towards the end of the semester and since then i have had trouble sleeping due to thoughts of self worth running through my head my family has always been supportive but i feel like my parents are getting more frustrated disappointed with me and i feel like im letting them down the biggest struggle is that i know i could get as and bs if i tried but i cant find the motivation to get the work done which turns into a catch of getting bad grades and then feeling like im not going anywhere i guess my real questions are how do i get motivated work my way out of this and how do i talk to my parents about it ,post,male
depression,2020-01-29,i feel like im making it up i m recently took a leave of absence aka a fancy way to say dropped out from college at the end of my rd semester i felt like this year was going to be better and i started off well i joined the volleyball team a sport that helped me get my mind off of the outside world and just clear my head and i started off with good grades however after the first month or so i sank into a pit and couldnt get myself out i have always had a lack of motivation but recently the past years or so i have found it hard to get out of bed some days and even then it would only be to get food or play video games on most nights towards the end of the semester and since then i have had trouble sleeping due to thoughts of self worth running through my head my family has always been supportive but i feel like my parents are getting more frustrated disappointed with me and i feel like im letting them down the biggest struggle is that i know i could get as and bs if i tried but i cant find the motivation to get the work done which turns into a catch of getting bad grades and then feeling like im not going anywhere i guess my real questions are how do i get motivated work my way out of this and how do i talk to my parents about it ,post,male
depression,2020-01-29,today is bell lets talk in canada and man it is bullshit so bell a the largest telecommunications company in canada and they are also some of the largest scumbags in our country bell takes government subsides but still over charges for their services they dont pay their fair share of taxes they treat their employees and customers like shit every year bell does a bell lets talk day where they donate  for every interaction on social media and last year they got m interactions so they donated m which is peanuts for a company like them all of this gives these scumbags a tax ride off and a day of cheap advertisement now i expect scumbag mega corpartion to be scumbags but the worst is people that become so sympathetic all of a sudden you see people that are dicks throughout the year post on facebook about how if anyone is struggling with mental illness they are there for them and then they continue to be assholes for the rest of the year this day truly pisses me off as canadian who struggles with depression because it shows how fake everyone fuck bell lets talk and fuck anybody who tries to get in on this trend ,post,male
depression,2020-01-29,every time she hurts me i back with my love even i feel so so bad i feel like she is broken thoughts every time she hurts me by any way i feel so so bad and i cry for nights even she realizes that and tries to get me better again but i cant explain my feelings every single time then i move on forgive and forget cause i love her so much and this is covering my eyes all the time now she hurt me days ago and i feel physically and mentally not good at all and im still sleepless and cry myself to sleep im male im so weak with myself to face her stupidity i really love her so much,post,male
depression,2020-01-29,i finally figured out what i needed yesterday i had a moment of clarity i decided to start going to counseling i briefly attended counseling in college but i wasnt receptive and my counselor refused to see me she felt that while i was there on my own free will i was not ready to commit to the methods required to progress i f live with my boyfriend m and am genuinely happy with him however i have started to feel that there is an imbalance i know that no relationship is truly  in every aspect but there is more balance that what i have been experiencing the stress of work and school have started to get to me and ive been having more bad days than good he isnt there to support me i could be crying or spiraling out in silence and he is too busy on his phone or too tired to notice i have given all of myself but gotten nothing in return it seems i need help and i wish it was from him i need someone to hear my screaming for help but it isnt him i need to start counseling to try and fix the broken parts of me because at the end of the day thats all i can rely on myself i know this may not belong here but my depression is what made me feel this way and come to this conclusion i love my boyfriend but right now i need to love myself more ,post,male
depression,2020-01-30,just give me a break im a m who has been struggling from depression for quite some while now i am suffering through extreme loneliness and cant seem to get out of it this leads to anxiety my health recently has not been so good either my social circle is small too old friends are moving away and i have no one to talk to i try to reach out tell them my feelings but then it cant happen regularly i mean why would they be willing to put so much efforts in me i dont know i feel like im not worth it i tried being spiritual asking god for just one break any career wise friends relationship etc just to at least make my self feel better but fuckin wanker aint answering i am frustrated depressed and hopeless i just cant cope up with it also financially broke to visit a therapist life has never been so shit i cant even sleep peacefully at night just help me someone,post,male
depression,2020-01-30,today my father told me that it would be better for everyone if i would just kill myself im m and i have been depressed for about years i have had social anxiety for as long as i remember but my father doesnt believe in mental illness so he always forced me to do stuff that i didnt want or couldnt do at all im pretty sure thats one of the main reason im still depressed he is also an alcoholic and everytime he drinks he comes into my room and fights with me over the years he has said a lot of things while being drunk out of his mind but the things he says while being completely sober hurts the most in the last few years he has told me that it is embarrassing to tell my friends that you are my son so thats why i try my best to avoid him but today he told me that he has had enough and it would be better for everyone if i would just killed myself i was already thinking about it for a few months now and it looks like i got my conformation ,post,male
depression,2020-01-31,i am lost i only want someone to talk to me im years old and a st year university student i was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was put on mg of lexapro which is a gad medicine however i still feel the same hopeless im so tired stressed and lonely  i have no friends because im always too tired to make some my girlfriend is my rock but she doesnt understand depression and tells me to push through which is very difficult what the hell am i to do ,post,male
depression,2020-01-31,does depression hurt your ability to learn and make your memory worse ive got a feeling that i m am on some level depressed like many other depressees i have a hard time admitting it to myself but i am going to try to do something about it i have been taking classes and it feels like i am having trouble learning and memorizing things i dont know if this is due to a lack of motivation some kind of direct effect of depression or if im just losing my memory have any of you experienced this any replies are very much appreciated ,post,male
depression,2020-01-31,havent really been myself as of late am i showing signs of depression for the past two months ive m been feeling really out of place i used to have a real great relationship with my girlfriend everything i could of wanted but now all i want is to be on my own on top of all this im going to sleep at pm waking at am and snoozing until about minutes before my shift starts not out of laziness but i feel like ive had hour sleep max cause of this im not getting out to the gym like i used to every single day i never want to go to social events and i feel like im just stuck in a place job family that i just want to escape from just not sure what to do or who to tell my gf f said her ex had depression and she would finish this relationship if i ever had it although i feel like her ex may have just used depression as a means to be angry where as im never angry so thats really thrown me we live together by the way just dont really know what to do or what to feel right now its odd,post,male
depression,2020-01-31,is depression inly suitable for some people hits the soul https m youtube com watch v ps mcvgut ,post,male
depression,2020-01-31,feeling like its a dead end the past three years didnt work out well for me m i had terrible situations that affected me so much i lost interest in everything never feel happy no one cares about me had a girl friend who i used to talk to when im down but she left i cant enjoy anything have sleeping problems cant go to a therapist im losing motivation to do anything couldnt make friends for a year and half im very different than people around me i dont know what to do im afraid that at some point ill make a decision and take my own life ,post,male
depression,2020-02-01,my m girlfriend f has depression i dont understand it at all please help me understand depression my gf has had depression for many years weve been together for years ive tried so hard to understand what she feels on a day to day basis but i just cant get my head round it could anyone help me understand at all what she goes through i understand its different between people but i feel like im losing her because of it and i just want to be there for her ,post,male
depression,2020-02-01,i lost the war with myself today i m has been contemplating suicide for years now ive not exactly had the worst life nor the best i have a somewhat loving family a good job good friends everything that should make a person happy but im not i wouldnt say i am particularly sad i am just nothing i almost have no feeling at all i literally feel like an empty vessel that does what it has to do anyway going a little off topic there as ive finally decided i am to end my own life i have ran out of reasons to carry on living i have written notes to the people closest to me and im actually ready i havent been this sure of anything in a long time its an odd feeling tbh i feel comfort from knowing this is going to be the end very soon i know its contradictory but i almost feel happy its such a strange feeling i did have therapy anti depressants you name it ive tried it nothing worked as i just think its as simple as i dont want to be here anymore im sorry for posting something like this but i wanted to share my thoughts with someone that isnt to close too me feels like closure really for anyone reading this before ending your life try everything i did it works for many people out there just this time it didnt ,post,male
depression,2020-02-01,pregnant and not feeling my best self i f have been married m for years we have kids yr old boy and a yr old girl i am currently months with baby a girl i didnt necessarily enjoy being pregnant with any of my children but i have just been down right not myself with pregnancy i have pulled away from family friends and people at work i have lost interest in just about everything i sleep all the time although that could be pregnant exhaution i am also a very neat picky and clean person and i just cannot find the urge to keep the house kept i have tried my hardest to get out of this slump i have talked to my mom husband and confided in a close coworker about my feelings just so they know what is going on although the people that see me everyday have already asked if i was alright i have also felt very insecure insecure as a parent a worker a spouse its been building and getting worse i dont like it and i dont know how to stop it i havent felt good morning sickness tired swollen unattractive and then the not feeling good started messing with me mentally my mind has really went to some wierd and dark places but im pretty sure most of it is literally all made up stuff in my mind no merit to any of it just insecurities brought on by not feeling well and trying to just push through i feel like im typically a pretty confident bubbly and playful person but i havent been lately im trying to brighten my mood by doing stuff i like started with cooking different and new foods for my family my friend bought me a seasonal depression light i bought some toys for me an hubby to try with alone time and it has helped a little and i noticed my spark coming back then tonight the light started to dim again my husband made a silly comment about checking out other women he has been out of town for a week last night was his first night back and again i am confident not a jealous person and i also will check out women with him but i took it personal this time i didnt say anything but it stung a little especially considering im feeling a bit like a whale these days my self worth is distorted and im doing my best to not let my inaccurate ideals and insecurities seep into the real world but they are i just want to be bubbly playful me again im starting to feel like maybe i cant do this all by myself any advice to conquer this is welcome ,post,male
depression,2020-02-02,no hot women like me im miserable about how attractive women dont want me and im miserable that im broke and poor living with my father im never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin im fat ugly short and poor im frustrated and miserable tl dr i need the truth about the opinion of my looks no hot women like me im miserable about how attractive women dont want me and im miserable that im broke and poor living with my father im never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin im fat ugly short and poor im frustrated and miserable and stressed nobody loves me my best friend is about to become a pharmacist and his girlfriend is unreal hot and my other close friend has just gotten in with a very big firm and its going to make a hundred grand a year and his girlfriend is ridiculous hot and im and im just now halfway towards my bachelors and im on academic probation so it feels like ive ruined my life already cuz im so far behind compared to everybody else hot girls dont date fat dudes who live with their dad i also work for my dad as a salesman because i dont want to push carts at a grocery store and attractive women dont date cart pushers where i grew up in colorado all the girls thought i was a loser and when i hung out with my friends my friends girlfriends think im a loser and it is because im ugly looking and fat i now live in massachusetts and im practically invisible to good looking women and i also dont have any friends here and ive lived here for years i only have friends because i keep tabs and visit my once in colorado m never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin never a date im fat ugly short and poor no decent women sf like me nobody cares that i am miserable and no one wants to help me and no one cares about me can i get advice can i get honest opinions on my looks please how ugly am i ria ciuffo alexandra cooper sofia franklyn kayce smith every woman on the show letterkenny i want to attract women at that level but everyone tells me never gonna happen so fuck my life ,post,male
depression,2020-02-02,helppp my m girlfriend f suffers with severe depression shes on medications lately shes been acting a bit distant to me when shes feeling low she doesnt want to meet up short replies not interested in anything doesnt want to hurt me and i dont want to hurt her she tells me when she feels bad but tells me she feels blank and doesnt want to leave house to meet up with me she trusts me and i trust her but i want to do something to help her i asked if theres anything she wants and she doesnt want anything we took a break from ourselves but im not sure if thats a good idea now that i think about it im not sure if i should be there for her and text or call even if she doesnt feel like meeting up it hurts me like hell when i cant even text her or check up on her any advice is greatly appreciated ,post,male
depression,2020-02-03,im in a heartbreaking situation this will be quite long so hold your horses guys me m and my nepali gf f have been together for three months as college freshmen shes better than i thought with the spring term arriving im financially unable to attend my current four year institution so i have to transfer to a community college thats hrs away near my hometown im able to return in the fall though she and her friends are going back home to nepal for the summer amp theyll be back in the u s around august i plan on returning to my current four year by that time but not specifically for these reasons only school wise my career pathway is going great however my concern is that my gf will have another guy in her life once i return what if she friend zones me when i come back obviously idk what her love life will be like amp i know i sound like a controlling amp paranoid bf but im wondering if i should move on to another girl amp hope we can be back together once i return months is so fucking long i dont want to lose what i have because my happiness has never been this high before i dont want to live in the past thats why i moved far away to college being with a girl who will wake up early in the morning to drive through a blizzard just to buy you cough medicine is something i truly cherish because ive never met one whod do that i asked her why she did it she says i care about you more than you care about your health was i in a dream theres actually someone who loves me like this this is so rare that i dont want to leave her once i broke the news to her she starting bawling her eyes like a faucet telling me that she wont ever find a guy like me again and ill never find a girl as good as her i dont know it now but my depression is going to hit me like a bus within a week i feel like my identity amp life have truly been revoked to be honest ive never felt such a genuine connection with any girl in my life last night i was with her and we partied our asses off we got hammered and it was just her and i on the dance floor the whole bar of people were watching us dance like aarp members she looked me in the eyes and drunkly said any girl would be lucky to have you babe dont fucking forget me okay i dont want you to leave because i still really love you then she started crying again i cant believe i have to leave the very people who care for me the most lifes too good for this to change i can really be myself for once finally i had just gotten to know her other nepali friends wed go partying and cook dinner together they enjoy my company amp treat me like family being around people who actually give a shit about you is something that i hardly experienced in the past i always had to act a certain way to make friends but these people make me feel human for once i make them laugh amp they pull a few pranks on me too for once in my life i have finally reached a state of happiness that has been gone for so unbelievably long seeing her smile when i wake up in the morning gives me reason to enjoy life again i dont want to drive away from my new life i love my school campus pride and friends i dont want to be a forgotten memory to them being with her and spending time with her friends makes me feel alive now i have to leave it all behind without getting to truly bond and make more memories with them in h s i was basically alone now my faith in god is fucking gone i just want to be happy for once cut me a fucking break and stop torturing me this is too much for me what are your thoughts ,post,male
depression,2020-02-03,how i m turned my life upside down long hey guys not sure if this is the right sub but ive been eating myself alive and just need to get this off my plate i guess it starts back in when i met my now ex f today girlfriend we were perfect for eachother we shared the same hobbies music tastes world views etc we had a great relationship for the most part eventually her depression and anxiety started acting up more and more this led to little to no intimate encounters between us for quite some time i was patient because i knew she was struggling but i also craved affection and intimacy this was one of our big problems she didnt have the confidence to initiate anything physical so i was always the one starting things unsure of whether she was even interested or not eventually this took a toll on my self esteem and i wondered if i was good enough or if i was the wrong type of guy etc this was happening after about years for a time referance looking back i couldve been more secure about the whole thing but i was younger and less secure myself my exs mental health kept getting worse and worse until the doctors figured she may have bi polar she tried a ton of different meds and nothing was working some things made it worse actually she started self harming again and began drinking copious amounts of vodka thats when the alcohol started she lived with her parents and would down a of vodka in her room by herself she would go through at least a couple per week thats a lot of alcohol for a  lb body to handle naturally this took a huge mental toll on me why wasnt i good enough to stop this from happening i tried my hardest to make her happy and comfortable it never felt like it worked and i always beat myself up for it this continued for a few more years eventually the doctors thought maybe she has bpd and not bipolar the guessing game and the changing medicine changes continued throughout all of this i felt so focused on her problems rather than the stress and my needing to be loved that eventually i lost the spark i wasnt getting the affection and love i so desperately craved i know its selfish because she was going through so much but you have to imagine how that effected me to watch the woman i love crash and burn and turn into an empty vessel that brings us to around christmas time year ago from now she had a little too much to drink one night even though i tried telling her not to drink at all and she basicly had a psychotic episode she was crying running away trying to walk around the city alone at night almost getting picked up by some random dude until my brother found her i started talking to her trying to find out what was going on through the mumbles and crying i found out she thought i was upset with her and then she told me a secret from when she was a kid that i had never heard in our years together she said there was some dark history between her babysitter and herself this was huge to me obviously i was upset and wished i could find this guy i just comforted her and we went to bed it hurt to not know about this after being together for so long but i understand that would be a hard topic to bring up a few months before that christmas season i had taken a liking to a coworker f at the time she was very kind outgoing and loving person basicly everything i didnt have at the time and was desperate for i started having feelings for her and i knew it was wrong so i avoided her at all costs and hoped that stupid crush would fade i just wanted to see my ex get better but after years of this i was exhausted and broken down eventually i decided i couldnt be with my ex anymore i wanted it to work but it wasnt going anywhere and i have to worry about myself too plus it wasnt fair to be emotionally cheating so i ended the relationship around january  i then perused my coworker almost immediately in hindsight this wasnt a good idea at all because i had plenty of healing to do whether i knew it or not so me and the co worker end up together not even a week later and things seem fine a little different guilty and weird but fine in april i got an email from an old employer offering me a job about hours drive from my hometown i decided to take the job and my new girlfriend decided she would move with me we are in love and it was a very bold move on her part to move to a new area with me after being together only months things are going pretty good over the summer but theres a few days where i really start to wonder what the hell ive done to my life i start to miss my ex and feel awful for abandoning her i look back at how fast i moved from an year relationship into a new one and it scares me me and my new girlfriend and great together but it still scares me the thoughts get more and more frequent until the point im almost sending my ex an apology text not in hopes of trying to rekindle our relationship just to genuinely apologize and tell her i feel like shit and she didnt deserve to be abandoned etc then the dreams start i have dreams of my ex a few times per week and it always ruins my day after i feel like i have un healed trauma and i dont know what to do to make matters worse i can tell my family gets along with my new gf much better than my old one she is already close with my mother i feel like the bad guy in this situation so im not looking for sympathy i just had to let this all out its not the most organized post but i hope someone can read this and give me some advice thanks a lot for taking the time to read this far tl dr broke up with gf of years got a new gf after a week moved hours away realizing it was too fast and im still broken need advice on what to do next ,post,male
depression,2020-02-03,need happiness back i am m guy who just started his phd in computer engineering in one of the reputed universities in usa i have never been in relationship in my life and havent even hugged a girl the desperation is taking a toll on me keeping me sad all time that is negativity affecting my life and career i am not even appreciating many good things going in life and just being sad about lack of relationship or just physical intemacy i am not sure i am okay if i stay single this whole year but i want to be happy again please help me out ,post,male
depression,2020-02-03,i feel worthless because of my height i a m college student havent had a friend since high school i spend most of my days waking up going to class and sleeping without any human interaction i try my best to be outgoing but no one seems to want to be around me doing basic things like going to the dining hall is especially hard because seeing people my age with friends laughing over a meal is painful i try to convince myself that my lack of friends is not because im short and ugly but i have no other explanation for it i feel like if i died suddenly no one would care considering that no one cares about me when im alive ,post,male
depression,2020-02-03,i want to go home now m i feel like ive been on this earth way too long and already done everything i want need to do im years old and ive never really been happy with anything in my life i tried college hated it ive had a total of different jobs since i started working at and i hated all of them im in a long term serious relationship with someone i think i love but even that has been boring lately i dont think he cares if i were to leave weve broken up before and hes pretty good to take care of himself on his own i was in the hospital a little while ago because my heart and lungs have been acting up but nobody was able to diagnose me with anything its hard to breathe at night and im always in pain and im really hoping it hurries up and kills me ive been too apathetic to commit suicide maybe or im waiting for something good to happen im just taking up space and wasting my time right now everything feels exhausting and pointless i know more people are disappointed in me than not thats not a theory or imposter syndrome its just the truth i spend hundreds of dollars a month on books because it gives me a little bit of a distraction from my life i hate going to bed at night because it just means i have to wake up the next morning and do everything over again ,post,male
depression,2020-02-04,considering murdering someone to avoid homelessness hey all m and stuck in a hole im afraid ill never climb out of i still live at home with my mother whose health is deteriorating rapidly as she had me very late in her s shell probably have to be put in a home soon which means im likely to end up homeless in the next few years and there is nowhere for me to stay im an only child grandparents are dead and ive got friends year wait for city housing the problem is that i got no income coming in was denied welfare and disability and neither does my moms as she uses it to pay all the bills i cant get a job as i dropped out of high school from depression and even then i wouldnt be able to hold down an interview anyway thanks to my severe anxiety i dont even have a drivers license i rarely go outside and when i do its only when im going shopping with moms i cant leave the house alone due to my debilitating anxiety and ive no money to get help you see ive strongly considered stabbing someone to death just so i can go to prison and not worry about sleeping on the streets in f weather in prison ill be able to socialize with like minded people and even get an education theres nothing for me in the real world nothing ,post,male
depression,2020-02-05,i have a toxic situation waiting for me back home what do i do i f live in a foreign country in europe since  i came to the country to study for years so by october i have to leave the country unless my situation change i was happy to leave my country since my family is very toxic my mother hate my father my father loves my mother of the time and my brother m blames me for his failure in life he thinks that i used all the money that my parents had to go to university witch is not true at all and though he beats my father and my mother on a daily basis the abuse from my brother started when he was a teenager he would beat my father and mother for simple things like telling him to do his homework he attempted suicide many times and wanted to kill me and my family many times he wanted to disfigure me with a knife and wanted to kill my parents because they failed him according to him they love me more so they spent everything they have for my education and they forgot about him the truth of the matter is that he never wanted to study since a young age and with my parents forcing him to study he became very violent and thus did not propose to him extra classes like they did to me because he was not attending the normal mandatory ones and my family didnt have money to throw the problem is that i finished my studies and i will be obligated to go back hom on october of this year and it gives nightmares to think that i will be under the same roof as him moving out of he is not an option since my home country is a muslim country and girls are not allowed to live alone and no i cant bring my parents to live with me if i purchase an apartment because they dont want to leave the house to my brother i just feel like wanting to attempt suicide everytime that i think about whats waiting for me back home i dont know what i should do ,post,male
depression,2020-02-05,what is the most self destructive thing you have done due to your depression in terms of a romantic relationship i m have no experience with depression myself but i dated someone f who suffered her whole life together years engaged of the time she was a great partner on our th anniversary she said she needed space then slept with our mutual friend a few days later objectively speaking our friend was gross so all of our other friends suggested she did it because she knew it was something she couldnt take back my brain is very logical and evidence based has anyone here done something similar due to their depression did you ever try to fix it this happened to me years ago i fought for her for a while after it happened but she never responded and has never reached out to me she also has incredible pride which i hear is common among those with depression so i think it was a combination of those two things i am not asking for your experiences as a way of giving me hope i have none of that lol just emotionally and intellectually curious so that maybe i can understand and empathize a little better ,post,male
depression,2020-02-06,what do you do if you cant do anything m in college i cant focus on studying for my next test i cant focus on working on a project i cant i dont have friends i dont have or ever had anything close to a relationship i just want to lay down and die ,post,male
depression,2020-02-06, am m my thoughts are racing i cant even fully describe how i feel i mean i feel like shit i feel guilty and pissed and disappointed at myself work amp school are fine but i didnt do anything bad or hurt anyone im trying to calm down and collect my thoughts but i just keep breaking down ive got no self esteem my confidence is shot and im becoming just more fed up with everything each day i hate that i feel like this its frustrates me even more why i just up and feel like this and i dont know why i dont feel normal sometimes around other people i feel conspired against when i hangout with people and friends more than id like to admit paranoia and i know thats not normal i dont know what to do im lost and desperate to feel better in the long term ,post,male
depression,2020-02-06,i feel lost i really dont know what to do right now can someone help my f girlfriend broke up with me m about a week ago and i have lost all motivation to do anything fell behind in school work and keep having panic attacks and no one to talk to sorry if this is worded poorly i am currently freaking out as i type this so we were together for years and have broken up in the past for similar reasons only for a little more than a week i think i honestly dont remember she basically says that i smother her and am too needy she is away at college about hours away from me i know i was insecure and i would call her all the time and if she was busy i would feel like she just didnt want to talk to me so i would get insecure about that and if she went out i would ask too many questions about who is going and what not she didnt think i trusted her i dont think that is how i felt i think i just love her too much and was scared to lose her i went to therapy and it made me realize why i did all those things and that it was a deep issue that came from my childhood she still loves me she keeps telling me that and she said she is open to getting back together in the future although she also says she wants to fully let me go to work on her self because she has a lot of stressful things going on in her life she has problems with her health mental and physical and she is seeking help for these things and i feel so bad that i wasnt there for her the way i feel i could have been she had anger problems that would start petty arguments a lot and was probably triggered by my insecurities but deep down to my core i love this girl with all my fucking heart and soul i cant understand if she still loves me how she can just leave me like this she said we can talk over coffee when she gets back for spring break in about a month but i dont know what to do i feel as though now i realize how depressed i was i have no motivation for anything right now all i have been doing is hanging out with friends because i am scared to be by myself i just want to be happy and i am scared that i dont have the motivation to do something about it right now everytime i have a panic attack i want to call her but i know that will just push her away even more i want her back more than anything in the world but i am confused on how possible that is i dont want to move on before i even get the chance to talk to her in person and see how we stand then but the pain of waiting for that is unbearable i have to wait almost a week to see my therapist again my friends are in relationships so they can only do so much and my other friends are at college or online where i play games with them i feel like i just cant enjoy being by myself i am so scared and i am in so much pain right now it feels like there is a pressure in my chest constantly any advice or thoughts are much appreciated ,post,male
depression,2020-02-07,empty i m have been so deeply empty and apathetic for the past years growing up i was always super sensitive to how other people feel i hated people being left out made fun of or just feeling upset in general life was so colourful and full of emotion and feeling all of which i have pretty much lost ive lost interest in literally everything and if it wasnt for the tiniest bit of hope that things will change thered be no point in living as at this point i feel dead inside i have no energy and have lost my sex drive which is almost non existent now some days im much lower than normal and try to cry as some sort of outlet but i cant a lot of people still feel anger but even that doesnt seem to exist for me i rarely drink and dont smoke weed although i used to smoke once every months so very rarely i smoked for the first time in a long time about months ago and holy shit i felt like my old self i was so overwhelmed by this alien yet familiar feeling of what it was like to be me something i had thought was no longer in me i cried so hard for about an hour i felt every single emotion so powerfully which was also very overwhelming i hadnt felt them in years it was like my mind had been switched off for the past years and i had finally woke up it was probably the most amazing day of my life amp x b after that experience i havent smoked since as i decided i would finally open up and get help i went to see my gp and have since been on mg of sertraline started off at for the first weeks ive been on the medication for weeks now and it has done nothing for me so far i still feel as empty and meaningless i have another appointment soon so ill try a dose increase to mg i really hope sertraline at a higher dose helps because if not then i give up on medication ,post,male
depression,2020-02-07,suicidal thoughts and relationships around years or so ago i m at the time entered into a pretty serious period of depression physical health related mostly roughly three years after that i attempted suicide multiple times im talking serious planned and thoroughly researched methods i was with a long term partner for most of that time f although the attempts themselves only came after wed split it it wasnt the breakup that tipped me over the edge rather the breakup was the opportunity id been waiting for taking my own life while in a relationship seems to me to be a cruel thing to do as it turned out i can now see that the relationship dysfunctional depression aside and i cant believe it took us years to work that out but the whole experience has totally changed me im far from that mindset now yet im very rarely grateful to be still alive i can think of no particularly good reason to go on living as i find much of life a chore this is despite the fact that objectively all is good and well i eat well have plenty of friends and hobbies live communally with wonderful people and have a relatively comfortable academic research job in well being and sustainability ironically im currently on holiday for weeks running up mountains ffs so here is my dilemma having been so close to taking my own life and knowing that im still quite indifferent about my future i think theres a significant chance that i will end up seriously trying to end my life again in the future and so ive pretty much closed myself off to romance and am perhaps a little guarded more broadly despite craving intimacy deeply because it seems unfair to bring anyone else into that situation and that sucks for me too honestly i dont know how this will change how could i ever be sure that i wont end up that seriously suicidal again and if thats true how can i ever commit to someone as fully as they would like yet closing myself off this way means im missing out on some of lifes more meaningful experiences which of course leaves me more likely to sink very deeply into depression again it seems an insolvable dilemma unless of course a find someone with almost the same history and outlook as me such that we understood each other well enough to let whatever happens happen without shouldering the blame can anyone else relate im afraid i cant think of a more specific question tl dr for people that have seriously attempted suicide before can you be totally sure you wont go to that place again and if not how can you fully commit to relationships particularly of the romantic kind ,post,male
depression,2020-02-08,why does it keep happening i m havent had any relationships for almost three years now im going through serious depression which was partially caused by me not being able to find any woman whod be interested in me i was on dating apps where i didnt have any success i tried to meet someone offline nothing at some point i just stopped any efforts then when i started to feel a bit better mentally last year and found that it was so easy for me to talk to people and with women in particular but nothing changed i still had no dates no relationships nothing even close to that one time when i asked a woman out and she ran away from me it just broke me i just stopped trying altogether i felt like im some kind of creep that im the person that other people want to stay away from i tried to find why does it happening but i cant i had a date recently someone i met online after i decided to give it another shot she just disappeared after that date which was a complete surprise because i thought that everything went at least fine i cant understand why does it keep happening why do people run away from me disappear after the first time they meet me in person is it my life now constant loneliness and being treated as a danger and why do they need to smile me in the face only to run away after that it takes me some time to rehabilitate after every time i get rejected like that and the moment i get some confidence in myself and some desire to try again i just get rejected again and it keeps going on and on,post,male
depression,2020-02-08,coming off wellbutrin stories hi i am currently on mg and have been on wellbutrin for about months it has worked wonders for my depression but that is starting to not justify the negative effects this medication has had i constantly feel like i am a step back from myself and life and i am a normally calm person who now is getting incredibly angry at very small things my depression scares me but so does my personality changing i would really appreciate anyones experience on coming of it and life after thank you ,post,male
depression,2020-02-08, utah for those who are shy anxious and or introverted there is a new meetup to help you establish supportive friendships and have a fun social outlet with similar people in a safe and judgement free environment utah shyness and introvert meetup http meetu ps c xmld zwz m a on meetup http meetu ps c xmld zwz m a,post,male
depression,2020-02-09,i hate this i m have been diagnosed with epilepsy and my neurologist has prescribed me a medication there is a rare side effect to this medication and it includes suicidal behaviour and ideation i have been hiding this for almost years and only close friends know about this i hate it when people ask me if im fine and i have to tell them that im fine i hate hiding this but i cant tell anyone ,post,male
depression,2020-02-09,just last night i was told to get a grip by a mate of mine after a night of moping and guess what hes kind of right m im laying in the house alone while my family are away for a wedding party so i thought to myself of having a one man party at home ordered kfc opened up netflix and got out some booze sounds lonely i know but im more of a stay at home person than a nightclub person although i am mostly a pub person so i was pretty satisfied and plus all my mates are far away doing their uni work so i couldnt go to a pub with them to drink with hours go by and im pretty drunk im loving life but i come across a scene from peep show while watching netflix about the main characters sex lives while in university and i thought why cant i have a proper social life in university and the cascade of negative thoughts began crawling in why do i go to a crap uni why am i doing a course i dont really enjoy should i drop out why cant i hang out as much why am i making zero progress in the gym when im still fat bit ironic considering i just ate kfc lol my lifes been in a downward spiral since  should i end it all the list goes on i went on twitter to complain about it i got some supportive messages telling me to keep my head up and i found that to be no good because im not an optimist one friend told me he was in my exact same position but said things do change i wanted to believe him but i just couldnt buy it but suddenly i got a message from a friend who said word for word would you ever fucking give over feeling sorry for yourself and get a grip like hahahah like i love you but why do you all ways complain like whats the point pal first i found it to be a really negative response like this guy didnt support me at all but then it hit me ive been doing this a lot going on twitter social media to complain about my social life my uni my gym life etc almost all the time usually they dont get responses like the last one but this one did my friend was fed with me being soppy and it was him being brutally honest and i needed that you see because i wasnt depressed during the day like i was last night i was waiting if my job interview was successful and id start a job asap i went to a vigorous gym class and expected to own the car my sister drove before getting a new one i was happy but one night somehow got me from anticipation to proper pessimism and my friend telling me to get a grip actually helped me i think my friends are all sick of it too disguising their hate towards my habit into something supportive for how long it will help me is the question now before i fall into the same pit again ,post,male
depression,2020-02-09,my life is a shitshow im not the most social guy in the world m but if i can ill talk to people id make friends who always say that theyll be there for me but whenever they have a situation that needs advice they make me feel like im obligated to help them but when i try to talk to someone about the bullshit that goes on in my life parents divorce constantly being rejected low self esteem forcefully acts as the mature one in the family they just essentially tell me to man up and get over it today  i was supposed to hang out with someone i thought of as a sister but she completely forgets and stands me up it hurts the most because everyone ive wanted to talk to and hang out with stood me up which led me to not wanting to make friendships everyone takes advantage of my kindness and it has further lowered my self esteem and self worth this is probably not something that belongs on r depression but i slowly have felt that since this happened ive developed depression of some kind i just want a friend ive always wanted a girlfriend but i just want a friend someone that will actually listen and not take advantage of my kindness,post,male
depression,2020-02-10,feel horrible at one moment fine another i m moved to texas from new york two years ago with my parents and my mental state has been declining since i am a senior in hs planning to move back in june ever since junior year i had been feeling quite apathetic but this year has gotten much worse i get episodes usually in school where i feel so lonely and hopeless but they go away once i am distracted by other people i also get random anxiety i have no friends no physical contact or affection with others and no sense of fulfillment i feel like everything im doing is pointless i really want human connection outside of family but im not very good socially in large social groups and my school has students one of the reasons i dont have friends in tx in perspective my old school had only even the escapes i used to keep me from feeling too bad watching anime arent entertaining anymore the only things keeping me going is the prospect of moving back to new york where all my friends fwb and dad are and cooking which gives me a temporary reprieve from my emotions very calming i feel like i cant tell my mom how im feeling because my dad suffered from anxiety and depression so badly that he had to go to a psychiatric hospital he has borderline personality disorder and i dont want her to worry about me and think the same thing will happen to me plus i dont want her to feel bad about moving me out of my ny the catalyst for the way im feeling just wanted to get this out cuz i havent told anyone yet if you have advice it would be nice sorry if i wrote this bad im not good at writing or expressing my feelings ,post,male
depression,2020-02-10,so ive been robbed of my suicidal thoughts i guess i m have been depressed and suicidal for as long as i can remember first memory was when i was telling my mother i wished i was dead i have been very slowly getting up from that through friends that i started having what first gf at she told me i could never be loved so theres that and so on i still felt like shit though i had moments that didnt make sense like me isolating myself and crying while counting the reasons i had to kill myself an reasons to not and doing that after leaving a party with friends nothing went wrong but i just felt no connection and i felt fake anyway i ve been really close to the line and i have been burrowing myself into work as to avoid thinking about my life i was still trying hard joining groups having relation with people and so on i did sport and associative work and going out with people i did all that with the thought that eventually things would be good it didnt recently i met a girl it had been a very long time since i had but anyway we matched very well she confessed to me and i felt the same way i dont know about the future but for now i feel actually good never felt like it never in my life it is kinda weird when i realized that i started crying i felt somewhat robbed of my suicidal thoughts i thought she had unwillingly given me a reason to live i didnt want it but still it was there i cried uncontrollably for a moment then i was all right i felt like sharing that ,post,male
depression,2020-02-10,new feelings im new here uhm i dont really know where how to start im m every winter season ill get seasonal depression im a little used to feeling off around this time of year this year though it seems a little different its intensified definitely this time around ive also been getting what i believe is anxiety attacks somewhat frequently its been about ish months and im becoming worried about it its been causing problems in my relationships with my family friends and girlfriend work and social life in general ive noticed its worse this year because before it would just be a constant feeling of being down this time its thats on top of some messed up thoughts snapping at people no concentration and a complete withdrawal from everything i once loved to do i get this anxiety episodes where my heart will start pounding and im worrying about absolutely nothing and i find my self wanting to just go lay in my bed i personally cant find a trigger to these episodes ive learned that coffee doesnt help at all lol i dont really want to or know if i should see a doctor i dont want to have some drugs they give me to feel better so i guess im looking for some sort of advice maybe or a little guidance on what could help with these things i just feel so hopeless this year and dont know who to talk about it with ,post,male
depression,2020-02-11,im not doing okay im m and the last time i felt like this i tried to hang myself in the woods at my college until k dogs chased me down im run down physically and mentally i live alone in a small studio that feels awful to be in i havent succeeded in anything to be proud of the people i date and love leave i dont have anything to offer or even that im reasonably even good at im afraid ,post,male
depression,2020-02-11,parents getting divorce i feel insanely lonely my dad doesnt care about me redditors makes fun of me for asking for relationship advice i need some help i am m yes i have feelings i dont want to be mocked for asking for help my parents are getting a divorce my dad is never home now my mom is dealing with her own issues my brother is busy doing stuff with his girlfriend my friends are busy with whatever theyre doing i was in a relationship with a girl for over a year and i ended it for reasons i wont get into any girl that i have a genuine conversation with for hours will suddenly ghost me within the next few days i posted about this issue to r relationship advice you know the subreddit which should be a safe place to talk about problems im having and get help with them i thought someone there has had this issue when they were younger and they could maybe tell me some advice instead im talked to like im years old or just made fun of because i was a year old asking for help reddit is normally my safe space for asking for advice and now even that feels unsafe to me ,post,male
depression,2020-02-11,i feel trapped in a living hell its hard to me to even have the motivation to type this but i want to share its another one of those posts where people just complain about their life and how everything is shit for them im m ive been in army intelligence contracted with the dod with cyber security and now run my own construction business i absolutely hate my life i live day to day with seemingly no purpose our existence if practically for nothing you can never experience happiness just pain if you do experience happiness its maybe a percent of the time while the other percent is nothingness or sadness i feel like ive been here long enough and dont want to exist the only reason i havent ended myself is the fear of failing and being vegetative my entire life everyone around me sees me as this young successful guy who is smart and has everything going for him its not the case i cant even do anything i used to love i cant focus on anything for more than minutes and thats not being dramatic ill turn on my ps start a game and close it before it even opened and turn off my ps and walk away sometimes ill walk right back and do it again or ill start my computer and open my browser just to close it and walk away i have a mental barrier against life im starting to ignore important financial issues and sincerely dont even care anymore i could be robbed of everything i ever had and i wouldnt feel any different at this point i dont even know if i want help because one you have this illusion that everything is all right you practically are just gliding through existence waiting on the next reminder that we nothing fuck this,post,male
depression,2020-02-12,i feel such a useless and a shitty person for not able to support my boyfriend better i f have a boyfriend who is depressed m weve been together for almost a year now tomorrow is our anniversary and i do my best to give him light whenever his depression attacks but everytime hes in his episodes he refuses to listen to every positive thing i say about him and the solutions i give him he just turns everything i say to him upsidedown he said that i do not have the right to feel depressed as everything has been always been working for me this just made me feel so useless as i cant make him feel any better i resorted to cutting my leg and most recently my wrist i also tried to overdose myself with sleeping medication as i dont think im worthy enough to live ,post,male
depression,2020-02-12,im not sure now this post wont be as near as close to what i normally see on here so if youre more inclined to help people who actually need it move on im not suicidal or anything like that anyway i m just feel my life isnt that great anymore i used to say i had the best life i have two loving parents a goofy little brother they all support me in college ever since i moved away i feel like we arent as close i call my mom every day but we used to talk for hours about everything my close high school friends and i mostly went different ways but i still have my girlfriend here at university whom i live with my relationship with my girlfriend is great although my libido has dropped because of my other problems i recently got a on my first calc exam which i still dont understand why because i never guessed and got an answer for every question i feel like i was cheated but it doesnt matter because theres barely room for error for me to even get a b now my work is okay but its taken me away from studies and because of that i have to compensate and only cant do anything fun its school homework work repeat because i dont have time for games anymore i dont have time to play with my friends who are no longer near me we have a snapchat group chat that i try to keep alive but it isnt like it used to be my best friend and i havent talked for nearly a month now except by passively in the group chat i dont even understand why and ive directly addressed it twice now he just wont respond ive been so busy i havent found a good time to force him to talk about it which might even be the problem but he came back from chicago he joined the navy and is in school there for christmas and i thought that we had a big heart to heart but he clearly didnt see it the same i dont know i just feel like my life fell apart in less than a year the worst part about it im apathetic and indifferent towards all of these problems because i dont know if i can fix them i also havent had earbuds for a week not really important but kinda sad no music tl dr im just sad ,post,male
depression,2020-02-12,bump in the road hi little background i am m struggling with depression for most of my life but always managed to come through i was at the brink of suicide and occasionaly have suicidal thoughts but for me my friends and the future i might have i would never do it i finished school with my abitur highest school gaduation in germany from which i tried to study and find my own way i managed to settle in being a physical therapist during that time i married and divorced was an ugly breakup i found new hobbies and kept old firends i found new love and moved km away from my home and now the actual bump days ago after a lenghty talk my gf and i broke up i moved here because of her and because i wanted out of the city i grew up in because of a lot of bad memories the breakup was more or less mutual the relationship felt more like a living arrangement than anything else because of a medical condition we seldom had sex in the last months and realized we get along better as friends than a couple for sure i still have feelings why shouldnt i but i think it could turn out okay amp x b but because of all that its hard to maintain my daily routine i am not here for sympathy or anything i just needed to get it off my chest in a space in which i know i will be understood hopefully you all have a good day i try to remember that there is no goal to fixate on but a string of events in life that i always should make the best off even though it happens to be the way it is now i try to live a happy life ,post,male
depression,2020-02-12,urge to cut m this depression shit has been getting much worse lately been in such a fog and i feel soo numb to any type of emotion ive been wanting to cut myself for a while but im scared of the pain as well as my family finding out or finding me i dont see it getting better either ill be like this for the rest of my life and that thought seems so daunting to have to live another  years with this shit i literally cant do it im screaming for someone to help me in my head but the only words that come out are haha yea dude im fine and i hate myself so much for it i just wish i was strong enough to either get help for it or strong enough to just end it all but either way im not ,post,male
depression,2020-02-13,is it stupid to stop lexapro after one day hey everybody ive been struggling with intense ocd mixed with general social anxiety amp depression dread for a while now i finally started attempting to do something about it this year at first i began going to therapy to try the whole talking thing i didnt love it though to be fair i didnt give it much of a chance only about sessions from there i tried some over the counter herbal things i found through google and amazon in short nothing really made a difference cut to yesterday when i finally bit the bullet and met with a psychiatrist she put me on mg of lexapro for the next days to see if that fixes me up from there i went to pick up my prescription and then proceeded to do roughly hours of straight googling of course i found plenty of horror stories and ignored all the positive stories i ended up panickedly writing up a pros cons list and it just seems like the cons far outweigh the pros im a film director amp writer constantly dealing with all things creative and i heard the drug absolutely destroys creativity not to mention the weight gain and occasional reports of hair loss that mixed with the idea of it turning me into an emotion less zombie i mean im a frantic high energy person by nature at least i was before this depression got the better of me and it sounds like this drug destroys that too plus apparently the process of quitting lexapro is absolute hell so then im just gonna have that to think about endlessly i dont know i guess im just not meant to be fixed i took my first lexapro last night and i think its also going to be my last i dont know what im hoping to get out of this post does anyone have any thoughts on the matter should i be doing something else to fix myself should i be sticking with this i just dont know ,post,male
depression,2020-02-14,i cant stop freaking out about something i didnt do so i m have a huge crush on a woman f who goes to the same boot camp that i do ive had difficulty with depression since i was and have been having more intense suicidal thoughts in the last few months this crush has been one of the biggest contributing factors as ive always felt very insecure about my lack of success in connecting with people romantically in the past month or so ive tried to start casual conversations with her these brief moments have left me feeling good afterwards especially on one occasion where she engaged with me by asking what i studied so ive been trying to make a point of asking her how her day went every time i see her so at todays class she came in a little late and finished the workout on her own i was planning on asking her how her valentines day went and complimenting her on her pink heart socks but i didnt want to make it look like i was going out of my way to talk to her or approach her while she was stretching after she finished the workout my plan was to wait by the front desk for her to come up and sign in but she did a few more stretches than i expected so i stood there waiting a little too long since i had already had my coat on i decided it would be too weird to approach her while she was stretching so i just left now i cant help but feel stupid for not trying to talk to her i wont see her again until the boot camp class on monday so im afraid ill be pulling my hair out with stress all weekend did i do the right thing by being cautious should i just hope that ill see her in class on monday and redeem myself then i cant help but feel like an idiot who is going to die alone and miserable because i never take any risks ,post,male
depression,2020-02-14,depressed boyfriend cheated on me on valentines and blamed his mental health for it this just ruined me and i cant get over how bad i want to swallow sleeping pills and sleep me f been struggling with my own mental health issues since my teenage years some months were good and others just controlled my life my boyfriend m of three years has depression and honestly hes been pushing me away for a weeks blaming it on his mental health and how much he hates himself and a very very low self esteem he would leave me on read no matter what i send whenever i need him would tell me to stop talking doesnt respond to me when i text him thought it was depression and just kept quiet coz i know how hard fighting a mental illness is then on valentines day someone called me and told me how he had been flirting with that girl mind you he never told me anything sweet for weeks coz of depression it broke me he cried i cried told me how sorry he was and said i told you im shit and you would be heart broken coz im unavailable had a lot of plans in mind to mask his depression even temporarily and it broke me so badly did depression force you to do something you didnt want what is going on with him he was so faithful with me before ,post,male
depression,2020-02-14,what do i say to him what do i say to him my f brother m attempted yesterday thankfully he was not successful he called to say goodbye and tell me the he loved me he did the same to some friends and left a note for my parents this was a very serious attempt he has had a lot of exceptional stressors lately in addition to the fact that he has been suffering from depression since  he drove a car at mph into a telephone pole thankfully he is getting help now and will be getting voluntary inpatient treatment until further necessary im going to see him on monday what do i say what do i do i dont want to make it all about me when i see him im angry scared and very sad about this im planning to get therapy for myself to cope with the anger trust issues and overwhelming sadness that comes with this event info i am a nurse practitioner and also suffer from depression so i have a solid understanding of the disease i dont know what to say to him because i dont even know where to begin kind feedback welcome ,post,male
depression,2020-02-15,were my friends in the wrong  m my friends and i are all and recently we went to a party where my friends invited a sophomore girl sarah shes she has a bad reputation people say shes a slut in her grade and my friends didnt seem to respect her for that but she seemed kind enough my friend bens mom was out of town so we had his house to our selves we went to another friends house where a bunch of seniors was the girl sarah got drunk off four shots of vodka and my friends were drinking too three of them  and took sarah to bens house where they had sex the next day they called her a bitch gross and a slut they said because of rumors shes fair game they ignored her afterward and said what did she expect and say shes a slut because not very attractive she bled because i saw blood on the bens sheet the next day ben still hooks up with her sometimes but says its only for sex and has no respect for her they say they did nothing wrong because they were drunk too and she said yes were my friends in the wrong tl dr my friends invited a sophomore girl to a party and had sex with her said its her fault ,post,male
depression,2020-02-16,i think about killing myself every day i m have a good life moderate debt loving parents and siblings im good at what i do and have a high paying job i have hobbies and friends and plenty of people that love me good personality and decent looking im very fit as i work out every single day generally no reason to be depressed but i fucking hate being alive im either an alcoholic because im depressed or im depressed because im an alcoholic i fucking hate myself and everything i do and i dont know why ,post,male
depression,2020-02-16,i lost my mind yesterday and i hope it never happens again for years i m have been struggling with social anxiety and depression but yesterday i reached a breaking point a thought popped up in my head telling me that i could end up being alone forever and i couldnt cope with it i started crying uncontrollably experienced heavy anxiety and i felt this massive feeling of self hatred and insignificance it got so bad that i split myself into three alter egos with names and very distinct personalities that night and functioned as them for the entirety of the next day this was a very very odd experience because im usually a very composed individual even when drunk i usually have a lot of control over my actions but i completley lost it yesterday i felt as if i as a person didnt exist and my egos would refer to me the progenitor theyd say things like the progenitor was so damaged that he left and put us in charge i know this all sounds so crazy now im feeling a bit better and im back to being my whole self but i still feel kind of off the only thing that i have left to do is to keep trying avoid negative thoughts and hopefully i will be better one day ,post,male
depression,2020-02-17,finally found a winning pill combo m was taking bupropion xl mg once a day for the longest time and it seemed to help a bit but i was still irritable and down at times my sexual performance was also lacking i couldnt hold my wad for very long it is almost like the bupropion was increasing my anxiety went and talked to my doc and got on zoloft mg to start in addition to the bupropion xl mg and i must say this is the best ive ever felt on depression medication i feel lively my sexual performance has been great the wife and i had sex times over the weekend which is unheard of for us no irritability either just wanted to share that things can improve and it sometimes just takes a bit of experimentation with medications to find the right mix ,post,male
depression,2020-02-17,need advice on moving forward hey everyone well my first post was a rant that made little to no sense but this morning i just want advice i need to get my motivation back if im going to keep with my dreams and save my marriage i know i have to exercise so im going to try to do that as well as cutting out junk food and weed the weed is really tough for me because i find myself wanting to make excuses to try to keep it in my life i threw out most of my weed stuff and now only have a single battery for cartridges but may need to toss that one too for the most part i function okay but ive lost my passion and i need it back i especially need help with being motivated to read for school i usually have to read about pages a week of various books and articles and that just for class not my own research i find i get fatigued a couple lines in and almost always push it to the last minute so im skimming material way more than i should be anyways any advice on how to keep on keeping on would be great maybe someone who can help keep me on track best thisnametook mins ,post,male
depression,2020-02-18,my boyfriend doesnt think he deserves me advice for two depressed people trying to date throwaway account looking for advice or insight my f partner m has low functioning depression while i have high functioning depression we just started seeing each other and while weve had very intense moments of love and affection for each other many experiences end with him questioning whether he deserves me he thinks hes a burden to me and that hes too empty for this to be successful he initially called things off between us but then felt like potential love was worth it and so here we are after incredible days together he feels like he has to go back to real life as if the happiness he felt wasnt normal or allowed what i dont think he realizes is that being with someone who has depression like i do is the exact thing i need i think im sick of partners who dont get it and all i want is to not feel alone in anything hes worth so much to me because he keeps me from feeling like im regularly in an endless pit im more than willing to be there for him because i care too much not to theres been no downside on my end in being with him compared to the downside of being totally alone does anyone have experience with a partner questioning their worth in a relationship how did you overcome the depressed feelings to foster something beautiful or was there no success in that is there anything i can do or say to him to help losing him would be a tragedy im not going anywhere tl dr deprerssed person dating someone with depression i think its worth it but he thinks hes just a burden advice ,post,male
depression,2020-02-18,my depressed partner doesnt think he deserves me any advice for two depressed people trying to date looking for advice or insight my f partner m has low functioning depression while i have high functioning depression we just started seeing each other and while weve had very intense moments of love and affection for each other many experiences end with him questioning whether he deserves me he thinks hes a burden to me and that hes too empty for this to be successful hes on leave for work due to his depression and goes to therapy consistently to try and figure things out he initially called things off between us but then felt like potential love was worth it and so here we are after incredible days together he feels like he has to go back to real life as if the happiness he felt wasnt normal or allowed what i dont think he realizes is that being with someone who has depression like i do is the exact thing i need i think im sick of partners who dont get it and all i want is to not feel alone in anything hes worth so much to me because he keeps me from feeling like im regularly in an endless pit im more than willing to be there for him because i care too much not to theres been no downside on my end in being with him compared to the downside of being totally alone does anyone have experience with a partner questioning their worth in a relationship how did you overcome the depressed feelings to foster something beautiful or was there no success in that is there anything i can do or say to him to help losing him would be a tragedy im not going anywhere tl dr deprerssed person dating someone with depression i think its worth it but he thinks hes just a burden advice ,post,male
depression,2020-02-18, m i needed to get some things off my chest tl dr dumb man in his mid s destroys his own life comes to reddit to complain amp x b hi im not used to write anything on social media much less things related to depression so im not sure if this will fit here as it may be a long post with some background to clear things up from the begginning this is my main account im spanish mentioning this because as things here in europe particularly economically wise are different they may have been a contributing factor to my depression maybe even if there are similarities mine could be very similar and yet very different than yours if you live in the usa or any other country aaaand this is me https imgur com a s mvwfa https imgur com a s mvwfa i wanted to share this to address something you all already know guess what yep thats my instagram profile photo notice the smile everything in that photo is staged i hadnt slept at all for two days did not want to smile and i took nearly photos until i got one which made me look less shitty ive already had several people telling me that my eyes scream sadness other than that ive recently started noticing the area directly under the eyelids to be darker and darker anyway i dont want this post to be read like a teen vampire romance book so ill try to be pragmatic my problem started when i was following my first breakup summer between my third and fourth hs year youd think that id be stuck thinking about my ex gf for more than a decade but no as even though i really loved her that issue would eventually stop hurting however i dont know if by that age i was already starting to develop depression as i was in hs which means i got to be around friends maybe look for other girls which i eventually did etc still i remember that by my fourth year of hs i had started to skip classes by the end of said fourth year i had a total sum of a full month of absences hours a day hours worth of learning lost it wasnt like i was skipping classes to go party i just slept or waited for hours alone sitting down thinking to clarify my parents are not the problem theyre along with our dog the best thing that could ever happen to me so it was even worse when i started coming home with worse and worse grades i went from being one of the three best students in our class to the guy who girls ask hey didnt you like drop from school my friend list was getting emptier and emptier by the months but i somehow managed to get to college spoiler it ended up badly people were not a problem but me doing nothing for the whole year or sitting in class for hour and then leaving to go hide at home when thoughts started coming to mind and couldnt manage the anxiety and sadness definitely were i couldnt take it anymore so i talked to my dad and told him that i wanted to go back home and work get my own money and pay for my shit this was back when i was if im not mistaken i was mad at myself for wasting my parents money and after several tries i managed to convince them and here is when things get fun i mentioned europe economy situation and here is when it comes into play nobody wants to hire me nobody needs anyone new i have my city and minutes walking from me i have gibraltar welppp nothing not stores not bars not pubs not fucking mcdonalds nobody hires me and here i am now years old still living with my parents with no way of making money no friends same clothes i bought when i was needless to say my self steem is nonexistent and even though im dumb i can still undertsand that my vibes especially without caring for myself are not what employers are after i mean i shower still use deodorant and sometimes i fix my beard a little but ive forgotten about my body almost completely i dont have any possitive emotions i do not want to do anything always bitter resentful envious i cant suicide because i dont want to ruin my mother so i can only hope to encounter a psycho on the street thats one of the reasons for night walks or get a terminal disease its fucking sad because i used to laugh a lot i had dreams heck i could even talk to some girls like heeeey u missed me babe i know i know  my inexperienced year old could do more shit than me in half the time i cant even make friends i looked through friends based subreddits and what i see are people describing the best traits of them hoping to connect to other human being what am i going to say hi im snow and im a whinny emotional bomb uncaring person whose only thoughts are complaints worse than a karens complaints in fact i know people dont want to get to know someone just to hear their problems and even if i somehow managed to talk to someone then part kicks in and we enter in no trust and much fear territory thats one of the worst parts i cant even talk to someone for an extended period of time without eventually dissapearing once i found a website for penpals i got to know a girl who was very shy at first and during that perior i would log in every day then she started speaking more and i started waiting days between answers the result she finally left me on read cant blame her and i didnt even want to flirt i just wanted a friend i try not to be a jerk so i like to answer everyone but once things start to get more intimate be it in a friendly or flirty way i bail out in the end and to sum up i cant barely get out of bed i always try to be kind when speaking to someone but nothing i do encourages me to keep going as i try to hide this damn illness from everyone i just let days fly by now what a dissertation lol im sorry i never talk about my own things i guess i had to vent a little thanks for reading d please excuse any mistakes ive tried to write properly but im honestly too tired to do another check,post,male
depression,2020-02-18,its getting worse my m s girlfriend f has always had depression shes always been sad low energy lonely hopeless and ive always been here loving her anyway recently however its escalated her anxiety has become severe her habit of picking scabs and pulling out hair has accelerated to the point of no return her bald spot and severe open sores would make it hard for anyone to want to leave the house much less a depressed person she cannot does not function at all she will sleep for up to hours straight she talks about how she hates herself and doesnt want to live when she does manage to get out of bed the most minor inconveniences induce a panic attack and or crying fit the most recent example running out of dishwasher fluid ive been supportive for so long and i will continue to be but what happens next over the past years its been new meds new doctors inpatient repeat how does this ever end shes only gotten worse with her school and career to a place of no return i cant see her ever climbing out of this hole and as her boyfriend what do i do i cant force her to feel better i can only offer my support but ive been doing that for years and its only gotten worse what can i do how can i make this end amp x b shes done the therapy shes done the doctors shes taken the meds shes tried for years nothing has helped thanks for reading anyway ,post,male
depression,2020-02-19,why am i so insecure about guys serious recently i m went to a mental rehabilitation centre and it really did me well or half of me anyway my psychiatrist is great and i see her every month shes helped me realise a lot of the reasons why im sad all the time but we never really focused on my anxiety and i kinda have a lot on her shoulders already so i dont want to work on my anxiety rn when my happiness is more important but anyway im hella afraid of guys around talking to assciated with looking at etc my gf f im so afraid of not being good enough or her finding someone she connects with better or someone better looking or makes her happier or steal her heart in any way trust her i know but im still scared amd i cant help it why am i like this and how can i combat it ,post,male
depression,2020-02-20,not wanting help not wanting to get better first of all i want to say that i have not been diagnosed with depression but from what is happening there is no way im not suffering from it the reason why i havent been diagnosed is because i didnt go see the psychiatrist i have had an intense fear of going for a while now because of a previous experience a few years back i have been diagnosed with aspergers after spending around weeks at a ward it was a terrible experience ive been put on strong medication that has only made me miserable and unable to function at all i know that i should just tell the psych that but it was pretty traumatic and ive been in fear of going since with that out of the way ive been having serious issues lately i stopped enjoying everything i liked before i cant get myself to do anything but stay in bed all day this has been going for a few months although im not really sure about that because i honestly cant remember a time when i felt too different then now today i realized i might be addicted to depression ive caught myself many times refusing help and putting myself down for the sake of feeling the same i feel like im rambling and i dont wanna make this post too long not sure if i said everything but i wanted to ask if any of you had this experience before and if so what helped i feel like i know the answer psychologist but its extremely hard to do it anyway thank you for reading this post was also a way to vent and put my feelings out there sorry for any grammar mistakes or nonsensical sentences english is my second lang although my english is alright im not thinking clear right now ps im m if that is relevant at all ,post,male
depression,2020-02-20,im miserable about how attractive women dont want me and im miserable that im broke and poor im never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin tl dr no hot women like me im miserable about how attractive women dont want me and im miserable that im broke and poor living with my father im never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin im fat ugly short and poor im frustrated and miserable and stressed nobody loves me my best friend is about to become a pharmacist and his girlfriend is unreal hot and my other close friend has just gotten in with a very big firm and its going to make a hundred grand a year and his girlfriend is ridiculous hot and im and im just now halfway towards my bachelors and im on academic probation so it feels like ive ruined my life already cuz im so far behind compared to everybody else hot girls dont date fat dudes who live with their dad i also work for my dad as a salesman because i dont want to push carts at a grocery store and attractive women dont date cart pushers where i grew up in colorado all the girls thought i was a loser and when i hung out with my friends my friends girlfriends think im a loser and it is because im ugly looking and fat i now live in massachusetts and im practically invisible to good looking women and i also dont have any friends here and ive lived here for years i only have friends because i keep tabs and visit my once in colorado m never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin never a date im fat ugly short and poor no decent women sf like me nobody cares that i am miserable and no one wants to help me and no one cares about me can i get advice ria ciuffo alexandra cooper sofia franklyn kayce smith every woman on the show letterkenny i want to attract women at that level but everyone tells me never gonna happen so fuck my life,post,male
depression,2020-02-20,i had a simingly random spurt of emotion and started crying in my car and decided to record it and upload it to youtube https youtu be qdfh qk mwc im still kind of recovering from the event its mostly me venting i would like to add some sort of trigger warnings or caution but idk what to call them so if youre sensitive then just be ready this is my basket case,post,male
depression,2020-02-21, m ive been working at starbucks for five years and it has made me develop my first panic attacks and serious depression im scared because i want to quit but im so wrecked from this job that i dont think i could handle any job i dont know what to do and feel really scared even though im an adult years old now people will say oh just go learn a trade or oh just go apply at this retail store or that restaurant i have no energy or focus to learn anything anymore like i used to i can barely even hold a conversation without getting tired i eat healthy and i stick to running and going to the gym im in great physical shape but the stress of work destroys me instantly these jobs are destroying so many young people and it isnt being talked about enough i think i even debated quitting and being homeless instead starbucks corporation is slashing hours at all stores so they can eek out more profit this has been happening since the holidays it has been absolute hell huge lines of people standing and staring at you while you alone make drinks and then have to go and restock yourself in order to continue because there is no one else to help you then the managers yell at us for poor customer surveys they blame it all on us and keep themselves out of it it is such hell on a daily basis i dont know what to do quitting would be a huge fucking relief im sure but then ill have to be homeless i guess i dont want to work for anyone anymore all i want is to be completely alone if i could just have food and a place to be completely alone to read books or hike forest trails i would be in heaven ,post,male
depression,2020-02-21,i m am severely depressed i broke up with my f of years and i realized im interested in men instead of women about months ago i m had broken off a and a half year relationship with someone f i thought i was going to spend my life with i love her and she was my best friend and i do still love and care about her the beginning of the breakup things were really bad she hated my guts and things were not going well i moved out and got my own apartment of course reasons i had broken this off is because things had gotten extremely toxic with fighting all the time some times physical as well something i had come to realize is i am attracted to men which is probably why i was no longer interested in the sexual aspect of things months later her and i are doing well we text or snapchat eachother and i go over to her house once in a while to visit the dog and cat that we had gotten together in the past she has told me about guys that she has been talking to or trying to talk to and also told me about a potential date she has coming up possibly we are now pretty good friends and have agreed that we were not good together about days ago i had started talking to a guy i met on tinder and plan to meet him this weekend in person my problem is i still care and love for her even if i am not attracted to women sexually i feel so guilty pursuing this whatever it may be with this guy i just started talking to i do enjoy talking to him but part of me is considering ghosting him because of the guilt i feel because im the one that ended the relationship so i feel guilt thinking i dont deserve to be happy since i had made her sad when i ended the relationship this guilt is causing me to have anxiety attacks it sucks thank you to anyone who can give some advice update she said she doesnt want to be friends she either wants us to be together or nothing and if i choose nothing i can no longer visit the dog and cat that were ours that live with her i am too afraid to come out to anyone even friends and especially to her as i have a huge fear of being judged which i know for a fact my friends will end up either stop talking to me completely or judge me a lot and i know for a fact that she will not take it well at all tl dr i broke off a and a half year relationship because things were toxic and i realized im attracted to men i feel guilty about my ex,post,male
depression,2020-02-22,feeling really lonely after a breakup tl dr after a very shakey few months we finally broke up and its tearing me apart before we were together he m was my f best friend we would talk all the time and hang out like friends do our relationship was very fulfilling at least for me i had never felt so connected to someone and i dont mean romantically i was able to understand his likes his reasoning his personality etc in a way that felt natural that never happened to me before not even with my family or any past friends not only are we not together but he doesnt even want to talk to me long story and i feel so empty we would find time to tell each other about our days and he really was such an important part of my life i know i was a handful i have so many panic attacks and rapid mood swings but he never made me feel like i was a burden to him i never thought that i would be able to make anyone happy in the way that i was apparently making him i feel so mad at myself i think back at the times when i would be upset because i wouldnt see him as much as i would have liked or that he fell asleep before we could say goodnight i would give anything to have that again i just want to go back in time and relive every moment so that i can fully appreciate what i had i feel so stupid for letting myself fall into it so deep he was my first everything from the first person to show genuine interest in being in my life to more physical milestones now its all gone my light in so much darkness were teenagers what did i expect yet somehow i still feel into the trap i thought we were more than just some teenage fling i thought i actually had some greater value in his life than to just pass the time now im finding myself grieving a relationship that feels like was all in my head i cant stop crying i just want all this to go away ,post,male
depression,2020-02-22,i just cant do this anymore ive reached my limit i m cant do this anymore by this i mean working to the bone for less talented people for a meager hamster wheel existence of being broke i have trouble with authority i see through everyones bullshit and just cant play nice when the existential dread sets in whats the point of living while just barely paying rent and just barely having enough food with nothing to look forward to and no way to tap my potential as an entrepreneur job or no job i never get ahead this sucks big time ,post,male
depression,2020-02-22,has anyone been fell in love again with your ex after youre no longer depressed about years ago i f used to be depressed and i fell out of love with my bf i broke up with him but after i was no longer depressed ive just realized the fact that i still love him but yeah its too late time goes by i met my recent bf m and we started to date he was diagnosed with depression before i met him we got along well with each other everything seems perfect but suddenly his depression became severe he felt exactly the same way i used to feel ive tried to tell him this feeling is not permanent but failed he always feels down when he cant force himself to be happy around me and always thought he can only bringing trouble and sadness to me he also said he doesnt feel like he loves me as much as before and cant take care of anyone elses feeling now so we decided to break up to save our own mental health all the feelings depression did to him was used to happen with me but im wondering if it was only me who started to fall in love again with the same person after im no longer depressed or not do i still have a chance to get back with him since we didnt have got any big problems in our relationship except the fact he is now depressed before sorry for my bad english not my first language ,post,male
depression,2020-02-22,any change in treatment in the last years some background m tried paxil in my early s for anxiety and depression despite the medication i still felt the need self medicate with recreational drugs mainly weed booze anabolic steroids and the occasional percocet the combination led me to have a year long period where i would occasionally get dizzy get sudden cold sweats and then black out and collapse like a sack of potatoes this was not pleasant it freaked my friends out i became a burden to my girlfriend i finally nutted up and said i wanted to switch to something else enter lexapro lexapro made me total zombie with a constant droning thought of you should probably just drive into oncoming traffic now so i stopped the lexapro too fast forward its been ten years since ive taken meds and ive recently realized i need would like to address my depression again so my question is have depression meds changed at all in ten years or is my doctor just going to throw me back on an ssri ,post,male
depression,2020-02-24,my best friend is on life support because of a drug overdose and now my dog is getting put down today m i have no motivation to do anything i have so much work i need to get done for school but i dont even care to do it i wont be able to say goodbye to either of them because im away at school and i have a bad relationship with their family i dont know what to do im just lost right now the worst part is i dont even feel sad just complete emptiness this was not the day to try and quit drinking,post,male
depression,2020-02-24,no reason to be depressed m if that matters not a fan of word vomit so ill try to keep this concise i live in an upper middle class family only child if that matters and i was the typical introverted smart kid throughout elementary school hard work wasnt needed to achieve stellar grades middle school fucked me over tho it was a new school with new people and i was far out of my element compounded with my lack of work ethic this took a toll on every aspect of my life ive felt useless ever since but all will be detailed in the following in preschool age i didnt have control over my anger so when someone annoyed me i would hit them the teachers obviously didnt like that and told me not to hit needless to say kids my age didnt really like me either and i became anti social eventually entering elementary school with sub optimal social skills although my violent tendencies slowed in elementary they didnt stop and more importantly neither did the incessant guilt that followed keep that last part in mind at age i started taekwondo i only did this because my one of my few friends did it as well like most martial arts there is fighting element called sparring i hated it i was conditioned to not hit which is not ideal if you are trying to fight someone so when they hit me i didnt know how to handle it and i cried i was not only self conscious of my violent tendencies that i repressed them at all costs but i was also humiliated in front of everyone whenever there was a sparring class i think you get the message i wasnt very social wasnt good at anything useful and i felt like shit because of it now back to the present just barely graduated high school and i have no direction in life grades were shit so im not going to uni and i have no energy to look for a new hobby or passion im trying to fix my diet and workout but its extremely difficult nothing matters anymore i think about suicide everyday i even tried it once if for whatever reason you want to know more ill happily oblige p s sorry for the haphazard nature of this post its my first and im experiencing some brain fog atm normally im a pretty good writer and public speaker for that matter ,post,male
depression,2020-02-24,how do i get help i m suspect that i have depression i feel tired and sad all of the time and doing small things exhaust me which has caused me to fall far behind on my schoolwork i have also had most of the causes for depression happen to me such as death to a loved one my dad abandonment my mom and sexual and physical abuse my aunt i now live with my grandparents who are very strong believers that all or most mental illnesses are just people wanting attention how do i get help without being judged or ridiculed by them ,post,male
depression,2020-02-24,i m feel empty and lonely even though i have friends and gf ive been in rl for about years i could say im outgoing every weekend i would go out to a party know a lot of people talk to them occasionally i have my regular spot where i hang out and know everyone from the owner to bartenders and frequent guests every once in a two weeks or so i would catch up with my best friend we would hang out and talk about deep topics i would say i have good relationship with my goth big tittdy gf we see each other every second day or so our sex life is awesome we really enjoy spending time together but i feel unaccomplished and stuck the main reason is that i got this corpo job which pays alright and can be dull without big intensity but it gives me to be independent and in the same time it ties me down where i dont have mental power to start something on my own or even go to the gym i see it as i dont have time for it even tough i have plenty time job and min commute should give me a lot of time to explore new things right ive tried for months or so to hit the gym with my gf but when i became overwhelmed with job and she had to travel i dropped out thinking to get back again occasionally i would have this clingy moment where i really question is everything normal i would be mad or more precisely said disappointed that i dont interact with my gf or share some stupid memes feel isolated and alone without anyone around me i try to think of a way to burn this feeling with fire or to find something that fulfills me and motivates me i would like to find more mental energy for ideas that i have i get motivated with some ideas like build some gadgets where i ordered half of parts already try to continue with my online store which has some orders but i just lose the will im currently living day by day without plans for the future and that causes overwhelming anxiety in me since i think im average loser without anything accomplished in my life is this some kind of depression or apathy deep down im struggling with this emptiness even tough if you look from the outside you would say i got my shit together and everything is fine how to find some supporting community and snap out of it i see how it is ruining my life and relationship because i cant keep my frame as a stable well round male that can maintain good relationships i would be passive aggressive if i feel that im ignored with girlfriend friends i would close down and talk and see them less job i dont perform well and see hopelessness etc i guess even this will get downvoted as perceived i got my shit together and im just whining,post,male
depression,2020-02-24,spiraling i m feel like i have been spiraling for awhile dont know what to do and dont feel like anyone is really there ,post,male
depression,2020-02-24,i hurt myself to know i can still feel i m dont cut dont do drugs dont have suicidal tendencies but i hurt myself or put myself in situations where i could possible get hurt all the time just to feel something im so numb to the world its the only thing that helps i workout until my hands bleed i work in the wood shop until my hands are torn up and barely recognizable i play intramural sports at college because my roommates ask me to but i go hard not to win or not to have fun but because thats the only time i feel something i have stopped this one used to drive double the speed limit just to get my heart pumping i dont know what i need what to do or where to start to get help but im hoping putting it into words and sharing here leads me in the right direction ,post,male
depression,2020-02-25,long depressed post i know you guys must be tired hearing these types of rant over and over again but if you can please read the whole i am m currently doing phd i will be out of fellowship next month and its still a year before i finish my phd i have been suicidal in my school days tried once but no one knows i have these thoughts again and again when i see my future going no where i have a huge stage phobia of addressing any gathering or even having anyones attention on me this thing is hurting me most as in my phd and in future i have to address audience students as i want to be a professor and i really enjoy explaining things to other but only one on one or to a small familiar non judgemental audience everytime before my half early phd presentation i get in to a depressed stage and i feel like i run somewhere and be in isolation before my first phd presentation i was under huge mental stress and it got me diabetes insipidus i think it was due to stress i do not like sharing these thoughts with anyone and its the first time i am sharing it to anyone i think sharing this will not help me and people will just pretend they care but no one actually cares i think i dont have the capability to survive financially or emotionally i like being alone living alone on personal front i have a girlfriend and our marriage is fixed later in this year we have been together since years but i feel i am ruining her life too she is very confident well spoken in front of anyone but she is stuck with me the reason why i dont share these thoughts is because i have done nothing to solve these issue i am a lazy person and just want to lay in bed surfing net playing games i know i can be better but i dont make any effort also i am not brave enough for a suicide and i just wish someday i vanish from this world or better vanish from everyones life like i never existed ,post,male
depression,2020-02-25,any advice any fuck making a throwaway ill just write my thoughts and see what happens m mandatory community service im doing it at a library i believe it was the only place left in my hometown right now to do it so in a lot of ways i could say im lucky didnt have to move anywhere didnt have to even change my gym membership or anything but the library is destroying my fucking head its me either doing overly easy tasks that have gotten pretty goddamn boring after months of being there or its me having nothing to do because it often feels like they dont really even need me but i still cant fill this time with something else like being on my phone or reading books or whatever because the staff still wants me to do something even if theres nothing to do you know the kind of people that just make no goddamn sense like how dare you just wait for more work do that thing again then even if theres no need to i tried talking about this immediately with family etc but theyre just ignoring it first they gave a pretty good point saying that it takes a couple weeks to a month for something to become a routine so just keep going but now its been months of just endless slow boring mind numbingly fucking frustrating days and im so tired of it and of course now when i try talking about it its just ignored its that instant stop complaining thing i read how its about attitude often and doing it just to be able to enjoy other things but this library is in my fucking way constantly cant relax and enjoy movies music shows or games because the librarys in my head constantly if the two months had gone fast more wouldnt sound so bad but theyve been so slow sooooooo slow more sounds awful hitting a wall or screaming doesnt help the only thing so far relieving some of the anger is hitting myself in the head and slapping myself hard thats the only thing that lets some pressure and frustration out hitting objects doesnt help because its me trying to find an alternative to real pain and violence and those things are in my mind a lot at the moment over a year ago a childhood friend of mine killed himself because of bad depression and ignorant people around him just ignoring his dreams and not being supportive in any way or helping with his mental health he was always a super ambitious and smart person im not suicidal at the moment but the more people just fucking ignore my terrible feelings and the more im forced to go to this place every day the more im starting to like the idea of doing something bad i dont know whats gonna happen if i hear you just gotta do it one more time i dont even know what im trying to accomplish with this post any sort of advice probably bro more months of this nine ,post,male
depression,2020-02-25,how to get help without parents knowing approving for any region specific laws regulations i live in the tri state area not really looking to rant just need some advice im m in college being funded by my parents and on their insurance been thinking for a while now i need at least therapy if not meds for this shit of a life but my parents are a not really approachable with this kind of stuff and b dont really understand mental illness as a concept they think its just lazy and a lack of effort it took literally years to convince them i had add do i have any options to get sessions without them knowing approving i cant afford to pay myself ,post,male
depression,2020-02-25,i sorta beat social anxiety and now it created a bigger problem i m suffer from mild social anxiety but it used to be worse so as a coping mechanism to not knowing how to socialize i make jokes and a lot of jokes roasting myself in sometimes extreme manners as i always do things it made me less of a loser loner and more of a regular kid which is awesome for a teenager but as i said i make a lotta jokes about myself and people think that they can too seems logical yet it isnt i cant take it people make fun of everything i do even when i find the courage to tell them im not ok which is hard considering i got sa they somehow making fun of it later on one time one girl i really thought was one of my best friends along with a tiny bit of help from her friends single handedly managed to make try to jumper under a speeding car i didnt get hurt it didnt seem like me i never thought i would try to kill myself even in my darkest times shit got worse when her two friends were trash talking me directly in front of me while i was in midst of a mental breakdown that nobody was even remotely trying to stop they said that they were dissappointed about my asshole behavior which was literally a fucking mental breakdown ffs there hasnt been much lately and things seem like theyre going a bit more smoothly but ive missing these long writing sessions on reddits finest rant subs and i still feel very bad and lonely so i thought id share with other people who are in kinda the same boat ,post,male
depression,2020-02-26,i f am in a downward spiral and it never stops this is my first ever post on reddit so im sorry if it violates any rules or anything this is super long so there will be tldr at the end the world is ending and that is the only way to describe how i feel the world is ending and im suffocating but its not to anybody else background ive had depression anxiety for as long as i can remember i have a wildly complicated horrible relationship with my mother a single mother who raised me an only child by herself and a friendly relationship with my father who wasnt around much until i was like so its like not at all a parental kind of relationship im in my last semester of college and its the hardest thing ive ever had to do im overloaded with hours of classes and working hours days a week i dont have any friends i used to but as i get older the depression gets worse my self esteem is wrecked i have incredible social anxiety thats also gotten worse as i get older the actual only human contact i have is my wonderful boyfriend m who lives with me he is patient and supportive in every way possible and showed me what love truly is his family are amazing people and i love them too they are everything i wanted in my family as a kid i regularly see a therapist and a psychologist and am on medication two things have triggered my downward spiral the loss of a written prescription of my antidepressants which has caused me to be off them for about a month but i have since found and been back on them but only for about days and this is also my fault and im kicking myself for this and the severing of my relationship with my mother she had me young and we have had a super insane relationship with no boundaries at all whatsoever she is my absolute best friend in the whole world but also the cause of my depression and anxiety regularly verbally and emotionally manipulating and abusing me since i hit puberty because of all of this i am incredibly depressed and anxious and its getting worse with each passing day something new happens with my mother almost every day where she has been cold to me but on top of this i have been physically sick with the flu which is going around in my area amp it has caused me to miss my class last week it is days a week for hours but i am able to work at home because we use our laptops to run the program we work on so i have been keeping up with schoolwork last friday was our midway presentation on our final projects i graduate this may and i ended up having a full on panic attack because i didnt have enough money to print my presentation out on my university account and i left my wallet at home because my boyfriend drove me to school it was already past time the class had started so i ran outside to try to calm down but everything had built up and i couldnt stop crying needless to say i didnt go to class i emailed my professor an embarrassingly cringey email about what happened and he hasnt responded attendance is important in this class this past weekend was mardi gras which i did not participate in because it turns out i have a sinus infection right after getting the flu i have a dr note for this i relapsed on my antibiotics and had to go back today to get a stronger prescription mardi gras classes resumed today at  my class starts at  i got a drs note because i obviously still feel bad coughing up mucus sneezing constantly blowing my gross snotty nose every seconds deep mucusy cough every seconds its not pretty and the class is freaking hours long and i dont want to subject anyone else to that either the classroom is tiny so i sent him it i said i can present when i come back this friday he has yet to respond to that too im terrified im going to fail and not graduate i have to graduate because i have an amazing job lined up for me afterwards tldr it feels like bad thing after bad thing keeps happening to me and i really want to just give up but i have so much pressure to not give up that it makes me so fucking anxious my anxiety is crippling me right now i dont really know why i posted this and im not really expecting any responses but if you had any kind words to say that would be really appreciated ,post,male
depression,2020-02-26,advice needed m i have experienced homesickness for my entire life i was never able to sleep at a friends house until i was forced to when i was i still experience this and dont know why i generally dont like people which is the main reason i got homesick i dont know if this is the right place to post on but if anyone has advice or knows why this could be please comment ,post,male
depression,2020-02-26,i have missed so much school now probably gonna miss a lot of tafe im m turning in march living in australia i didnt attend most of high school missed most of year  and i feel so fucking guilty for not going i want to retry it all but im to embarrassed doing the grades again i was diagnosed with depression in late  when i was in year now in tafe alone with no friends to help me along i really want to succeed but i just just have no motivation i feel nothing but hollow ,post,male
depression,2020-02-27,the moment you realize the first signs of relapse m i had a major depressive episode about years ago around the time i was graduating high school towards the end of last year i think i started declining again but i refused to acknowledge it it was just a rough patch but now im too tired to do anything my grades are declining and i dont care about anything im living in the past thinking of the times when i was really happy confident and proud of myself i miss those times compared to then i feel worthless and like i havent made any progress with my life i dont want to slip fully back into the depression i had then because it put a lot of strain on my relationships including my girlfriend who i am still with and also struggles with depression and my dad im trying to work through it and prevent it from becoming worse i know i tie a lot of my self worth to the accomplishments i make but i feel like i havent made any in the past years im considering transferring from my university to an online university to finish my degree so i can work full time and make progress toward my goal of being independent i think that might make me feel better my girlfriend wants me to see a therapist psychiatrist but i dont want to worry my dad and burden him with the cost of covering any bills as im still on his insurance and everything i just feel like i need to change something thanks for reading ,post,male
depression,2020-02-27,ive been sitting idle at my computer with no music on for over two hours and i just realized that i more depressed than i like to admit im thinking what to write because i no longer know what i should be feeling im alone sometimes it feels as if im walking into a snowy forest as the frosting breeze touches my face just to keep me alive and sane people used to call me interesting but they never put in the effort to get to know me people used to chat with me they no longer do people used to see me smile now they are not even around to see me cry im a mess with no friends my family doesnt support me and make me look like shit to be quite frank i am tired i milvoltage curse each day i woke up and will wake up in the future i pray to god with all my heart that he finds it in his heart to put me out of my misery i pray that one day i will go to sleep and it will be the last time i will think about this endless ugly cycle that we call life please god if you exist prove that you exist and take me with you i no longer wish to stay here ,post,male
depression,2020-02-27,im too young to want to die i dont want to but i feel as though going on living would be pointless i m am trying really hard not to feel this way but i just can stop thinking about being depressed reasons being the relationship i have with myself my friends and family and my future please to anyone who have ever struggled with depression please share me some knowledge as to how i can make things better i have no plans of killing myself i assure everyone i just dont know what to do with my life anymore from this point on ,post,male
depression,2020-02-27,there is hope but it usually means a lot of work m here with depression or rather depressive states coming and going on regular basis i feel like there is a lot of people like me here and i just want you to know that there is hope to get out of this the problem is that there is work that has to be done there is so many ways to help coping with this darkness meditation being active sometimes to to the point where it becomes an obsession breathwork psychedelics therapy and many others sometimes i come here to read your posts and my heart breaks how many people are suffering and dont have proper coping mechanisms life isnt easy i would say its very hard for most people but also most people are not willing to put work into making their lives better become obsessed with something learn new thing get out of your comfort zone and for gods sake change the pattern some people will say that depression is preventing them from doing all those things and i agree to a certain point but give it a shot maybe its not as bad as we think maybe its just an illusion my heart is breaking seeing so many people depressed and i wish you all that you find the courage and strength to live your life fully we have only so much time here lots of love to all of you ,post,male
depression,2020-02-27,confused and looking for advice so lately last months or so i m have been pretty depressed i think i dont know if it is actually depression or not or just a time in my life where i am down you see the thing is im not always down in the dumps i think i am actually a pretty happy normal guy most of the time but every day there are hours where i hate my life and think about suicide even though i know ill never do it i dont really know what i should do should i tell my wife if i do i think that there is a chance she doesnt feel comfortable with me being around our year old if i do tell someone is this something that is medication worthy if it is medication worthy is there a natural medication i can take instead is this actual depression or just a down time in my life i guess part of me is worried hence why i am writing this and another part of me just wants to get this off my chest so with that i thank you all for reading and i appreciate all the advice and thoughts ,post,male
depression,2020-02-27,dont know what to do anymore i m have been dealing with major depression since i was in th grade it was kinda bad then but i got better for a time my first semester at college was rough but i got through it and was fine again im now in my second semester of sophomore year and my depression worse than it ever has been before i come in and out of depressed states but my roommates have been finding me staring off unresponsive while in those states i can hear them yelling my name and i dont know if it is that i dont care to answer or i physically cant these last few days all i can do is sleep and stare at my arm imagining taking my razor to it i know its wrong and i dont think i want to do it i dont want to do it to my family but the only place i can imagine myself in the future is either dead or being so depressed i cant function ive been seeing therapist but it isnt helping my meds no longer help and it is a struggle to keep taking them i dont know what i should do my grades are horrible because of this which doesnt help i really dont want to go to the hospital but i also dont want to fully loose the little keeping me from offing myself i just want my mind to be quite all i want is peace and normal thinking ,post,male
depression,2020-02-27,not even sad anymore just feel nothing always ive m come to an odd place in my depression that kinda has made it worse for me throughout my life ive aways been somewhat hyper aware of my own emotional state as my emotions have always been something which ive felt incredibly intensely when i was younger  i was very lonely and had a hard time connecting with others this grew into something i came to recognized as situation depression i had always believed i would feel truly better if i made those important social connections in my life eventually i did i found myself in a strong circle of friends working towards my life goals and in love for the first time in my life with an amazing girl this truly made me content my depression went away and for the first time in my adult life i knew what it was like to be happy and proud of myself this lasted about years  and made me believe that it was possible to live a happy life slowly and one by one i began to lose the things that were important to me my family moved across the country while i was in school and our relationships soured my girlfriend moved away we tried long distance but it wasnt what she wanted she ghosting me and started a new life my best friends slowly started to move away change for the worse lots of drugs and alcohol involved or leave one of my best friends passed away and i started to fail out of school all of this put me into the darkest hole ive ever been in and to be honest im not sure if ive ever fully recovered  i can remember the most intense and excruciating sadness of my life physically it felt like this vast aching hollowness inside of my chest and stomach that would never ever go away like the deepest blackest pit i could imagine had replaced the spot where my heart used to be amp x b over the next two years  things began to turn around and my life improved i turned my grades around after about horrible wasted semesters i started a new relationship met some new people who became my friends and i started working again after a long break but truthfully i never felt content the way i used to and im still not the same i dont truly connect with friends anymore and feel distant to everyone around me ive now graduated from school finally with my ba after years and moved back to my hometown i dont keep in touch with my newer friends and only really talk to my girlfriend who ive been with for years now were doing long distance now and its hard sometimes i honestly dont feel the capacity to love someone anymore and it puts an incredibly heavy strain on my relationship with her i feel she deserves better than that and she always have but the truth is i dont feel anything anymore its just blank numbness every single day and night of my life im trying to get past it im trying to better and love what i still have and what ive made for myself but i still feel so utterly empty and void of emotion its almost like thats the best emotionally i can do for myself and ive just come to except it im about to turn now im looking for full time jobs staying active with exercise i am sober since the new year and trying my best in my relationship but still feel profoundly empty i dont know what the point of this post really is but i needed to share my story i really appreciate it if you read this far and would be happy to read any response or advice anyone in this community has thank you ,post,male
depression,2020-02-28,i often find myself weeping throughout my day when the loneliness gets bad it was never this bad but the more time that this goes on the worse it gets m with really bad social anxiety and i never had an actual friend i could hang out with most days i dont end up saying a word out loud i dont get it i cant talk to people and when i do end up finding the courage to do so i panic and forget what i was going to say or i just end up sounding like a weirdo i really dont know what to do i was always lonely but it never got to the point of tears before recently im just too sad and too tired for this shit ,post,male
depression,2020-02-28,im giving up and with nobody to listen im turning to you ive given up and im not sure whats next hi guys im sorry to be so short i m have been living my life alone forever until i fell in love my relationship lasted a long while few years until today my girlfriend left me aside from her and her family i dont talk to a single person i live with her we share our entire lives and she left me i now feel alone and to be honest i just want to die i have felt this way before even attempted but ive never been successful now i feel im at the point where i have to do it i dont want to live another day that nobody cares about me it hurt too bad before and it hurts now i just felt like i had to let someone know tell someone how i am feeling because i dont have anyone to listen i can live especially not like this if you took the time to listen thank you do much im sorry,post,male
depression,2020-02-28,my m gf m is suffering from severe depression and pushes me away more and more every day a little backstory i grew up in a childrens home since im because i have no dad and my mother left my two siblings and me when i was ive been going through severe phases of depression and suicidal thoughts have taken antidepressants for years my girlfriend is suffering from a disease called cystic fibrosis cf google it up because it is waaay to much to explain here she is also suffering from depression and already attempted suicide years ago because off the pressure from all people because of the cf so she is going through a depression phase right now and she leaves it all out to me i really want to be there for her but i really cant stand it for longer because the more im talking to her about that all the more she is distancing herself from me she says that she needs some space for herself and i gave it to her and the shes distancing herself even more this all leads to the problem that it pulls me back into my anxiety i started thinking about death more than ever and how great it would be to stop it from hurting me and i cant just drive away because we already moved together big mistake i think and i have nobody i could drive to i used to talk to her mom about this but my gf forbid me doing it shes pushing me away more every day i know its complicated but you can ask me what you want about it i am really open and need your help because i dont know what to do sorry for my bad english i am from germany,post,male
depression,2020-02-28, m i cant take life anymore im and ive only had few friends through life never close friends though ive never even had a conversation longer then minutes with a girl ive never held hands or even kissed a girl theres a girl have a huge crush on but she doesnt like me because of my personality and she thinks i am ugly she told me this after i told her i really like her i didnt get mad because i wouldnt like myself either this is all because of my social anxiety i am so lonely im really contemplating suicide because i cant live the rest of my life like this ,post,male
depression,2020-02-28,feeling completely replaced amp is causing so much pain preface my depression is already at the worst its ever been this past month this then happens and it crippled me we were so close for years he was the only person i trusted and was close to last week we argued bc i got out of hospital and he m didnt visit me instead talking to local girl f i confronted him and he deleted her and said he wouldnt even like her anyway because he doesnt respect her job online sex work he cut me off a few days later zero emotion i went to drop my stuff off at him and he looked at me like i was a stranger he walked off part way through the discussion about it and never spoke to me again to me its unfinished conversation to him its forgotten yes he readded her she blocked me he blocked me and he added the link to the same adult site she uses in his bio  im devastated its been days and i sleep about hours per night cry excessively and can barely eat a thing i physically cannot face another week feeling this horrendous my thoughts have got dark on waiting list for nhs therapy doctors know how low i am but cant do much more than they are i feel replaced and thrown away for new girl painful to know he probably is super taken with as she very sexual like him and thanks to my serious health issues ive been too sick to be sexual in a while hes got his dream fantasy and ive got my nightmare feel not good enough and like the loser here im here inconsolable while theyre probably having a great time together me not crossing his mind i wont even get closure let alone a apology just tell me how the hell to get over this i cant physically be sad about it for another second im sick of crying im in a lot of pain ,post,male
depression,2020-02-29, m feeling down whassup yall for the past days i have been pissed because a friend of mine made a comment to me it was more like being interrogated more and a ways of my sexual orientation its because i dont have a lot of sexual history i go to bars parties and the internet but i choose not push myself into sex until the right person comes along i really want to have a good income and im looking for maturity anyway back to the topic i was talking to someone and she suddenly ghosts me but i havent talked to him in a while i had been down due to my job and i have seen how better off they are we had talked about that but we talked about why i distanced myself from them and every time im around them they talk about how many bitches they fuck and how much money they make and the extravagant lifestyle they have and why im still single and then i was asked if i was gay and i was pissed and offended by that that was like a cheap shot and its because i never was into sports and it was my taste in music movies television and my choice of being to myself i have nothing against gays but i never had no luck with females but i do admit i am a little jealous of their lifestyles and i wish i had some kind of stability in my own life i decided to stay to myself because of that ,post,male
depression,2020-02-29,so i just got home from going out for the first time in my life and i felt disconnected and empty and felt like crying fake the entire time so i didnt thought i was depressed but im m and i have rly low self esteem and i started a new job last october today my coworkers had a go out and eat and do some bowling so i joined them since i got no friends and its a good thing to go out and challenge my social anxiety i went and they all laughed and had a good time i felt so disconnected and lonely and empty the entire time i had thoughts like how can they think this is so fun etc one of my coworkers when we did bowling when i missed or did a bad go or when i lost the round she told me aww we playing for fun nice try etc it just feels like she feel sorry for me and it sucks i been doubting my ability on my job lately as well and on the way home i said something like i wanna see if i get a full time job here when my trial ends in september before i move to x city and one of them said very carefully hopefully u get to stay while the rest was quite a second before we talked about that my other coworker in the backseat said she hopes she gets to stay and all in the car agreed and made sure she will what am i experiencing ,post,male
depression,2020-02-29,i feel bad i am not feeling very well i am m and i feel so badly alone no one ever cared of how i am or even to ask me to go out with or even care of what i do of how was my day how did i do in my exams unfortunately i cannot change it i live in a small island and most people at my age already have their friendships and i cant make new friends for that exact reason i decided that this is how its going to be with my life and i am ok with it i really am but it pains me watching my self everyday in the mirror because i know i never hurt anyone i never said any bad thing to anyone i always make people smile and i am sure i can be a great friend but everytime i trust people and i can see the goodnes in their heart they keep having me as a seasonal friend as i call it but its okay i will live with that but its unfair i am sorry for my bad english but right now i am in so much pain and i just wanted to write it hopefuly i will feel better i i swear to god this is a lot of pain i am feeling right now ,post,male
depression,2020-02-29,tool visit whyagain org for a tool to help turn sadness in love its basically an exercise but is very very powerful https whyagain org index php en https whyagain org index php en https docs google com forms d e faipqlsfiqit z awxn le mq c meg wnk uqkrhwpz jlqfuaora viewform https docs google com forms d e faipqlsfiqit z awxn le mq c meg wnk uqkrhwpz jlqfuaora viewform ,post,male
depression,2020-02-29,im m never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin im fat ugly short and poor im miserable about how attractive women dont want me help tl dr no hot women like me im miserable about how attractive women dont want me and im miserable that im broke and poor living with my father im never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin im fat ugly short and poor im frustrated and miserable and stressed nobody loves me my best friend is about to become a pharmacist and his girlfriend is unreal hot and my other close friend has just gotten in with a very big firm and its going to make a hundred grand a year and his girlfriend is ridiculous hot and im and im just now halfway towards my bachelors and im on academic probation so it feels like ive ruined my life already cuz im so far behind compared to everybody else hot girls dont date fat dudes who live with their dad i also work for my dad as a salesman because i dont want to push carts at a grocery store and attractive women dont date cart pushers where i grew up in colorado all the girls thought i was a loser and when i hung out with my friends my friends girlfriends think im a loser and it is because im ugly looking and fat i now live in massachusetts and im practically invisible to good looking women and i also dont have any friends here and ive lived here for years i only have friends because i keep tabs and visit my once in colorado m never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin never a date im fat ugly short and poor no decent women sf like me nobody cares that i am miserable and no one wants to help me and no one cares about me can i get advice ria ciuffo alexandra cooper sofia franklyn kayce smith every woman on the show letterkenny i want to attract women at that level but everyone tells me never gonna happen so fuck my life heres a list of every woman who treated me badly or who rejected me and friend zoned me now you know how bad ive got it ashley girl i cant get over got married and shes in love with him and it depresses me beyond comprehension that she loves him and she will never love me im absolutely fucking depressed i fucking hate him he ruined my life i asked girls online if hes better looking than me and they all said yes he was and theyd rather date him than me can anybody give me advice thats beneficial for me if you say if you really love her youd be happy for her or move on that has no benefits for me it only benefits her pos husband i dont get a bright side or a silver lining or happy ending just fucked over i told her my feelings she rejected me and she tried setting me up with a fat ugly girl after rejecting me f k my life i have the worst life possible alex my prom date who i had a crush on for years made out with another dude in front of me and ran off to f k him in his car and because she was from out of town she stayed over my place and the next morning after she invited him over so she can make out with him and in his car on my driveway amd people found out and i got humiliated all the way to graduation sara the girl i had feelings for in high school but who friendzoned me is getting married to a guy who is cheated on her with a teacher she started dating him when me and her were seniors and he was a freshman hes an absolute scumbag i truly hate him he was caught sexting a teacher caught on the news and has been caught texting other girls with intent to cheat multiple times and now the girl i want is marrying him and a teacher herself she would use me as the shoulder to cry on and then when she was done crying to me she would have me go away and then she would go back to him after im not saying it wasnt my own fault but to some degree i was used emotionally and now everybody is happy that theyre getting married its like im living in the twilight zone that people forget that he cheated on her with the teacher and got caught on the news then five years ago when my mom passed away everybody i knew gave me their condolences even people i didnt like but they still were decent enough to tell me their condolences except her she didnt even give me a my condolences at the minimum despite her feeding me lies saying how me and her were such close good friends she couldnt even text me my condolences or sorry for your loss not even to words in a text i go to therapy because of this experience i then messaged her saying how it hurt me that she didnt say anything i told her how i felt about her i told her that her boyfriend now fiance is a scumbag i told her shes dumb for staying with a scumbag like that and the last thing she ever told me was f k you loser sorry youre so mad at the world the week my mom died last thing i ever said to her was how is that possible im not a scumbag who cheats on you isnt that what you prefer to f k that was five years ago and we havent spoken since the wedding was in july all my life women ive liked rejected me or ignored me the only time women liked me they were morbidly obese and extremely unattractive but then i would be told to give them a chance thats your league anyways at least theyre nice girls being told to take an l with a smile isnt a great life especially if you compare her to the women who rejected me their husbands and boyfriends who i loathe see that im with a woman much less unattractive after being rejected by them gives them a whole lot of leverage over me and thats absolutely humiliating for me like haha my girl rejected you and youre stuck with an ugly woman sucks to suck loser that is humiliation defined and everybody wants me to embrace this happening and its not fair ill be happy when a woman hotter than the women who rejected me loves me until then all i ever got was fucked over no lube or spit and then people tell me be happy for the people i hate to just lie down and take it and thats fucking bullshit,post,male
depression,2020-03-01,for any of your struggling for any of you who are struggling with any mental battles depression anxiety eating disorders please watch the video linked below i hope this will help you realise its okay to have bad days and to feel like you havent made any progress i hope itll help you treat yourself more kindly give yourself more leeway and give yourself hope that things will get better with time ive always been a pessimist and never thought my disordered thoughts would get better but since introducing some daily practices such as positive affirmations and gratitude even though i didnt believe in them and actively going against my thoughts ive noticed my mentality is getting slowly better https www instagram com tv b mhu inezg igshid dquwrkqm s ,post,male
depression,2020-03-01,depression and bad self esteem im a f in my first relationship with a man i love m very much my low self esteem and horrible self image are making myself and him crazy i cant seem to believe he loves me and is attracted to me despite numerous examples to the contrary i also am much more emotional than even before does anyone in similar situations have any advice ,post,male
depression,2020-03-01, m cant keep any real friends how can i find some good friends people who i connect with i only have true friend and hes really hard to be with as he never wants to do much and he complains a lot i would love to meet some more people get a group of friends with who i could vibe with an uplifiting group i am currently in college and hopefully going to university next year im hoping in this change to meet some new people and possibly make my life more enjoyable as im currently feeling really alone ,post,male
depression,2020-03-02,looking for job advice im a m not in from usa and i am lost now when it comes to future job career i havent worked much very little in fact i have worked full time in it doing support i have extremely mixed feelings about it this is not only due to support kinda sucking but also the business aspects that are unrewarding to me all i really know about me is what i wrote below i have no fucking clue which job title i am meant to pick based on this info i grew up with an aptitude for computers very early on i would just screw around with them reinstall the os and learn the hardware i probably understood this by age or or so dont know exactly i never became much of a programmer i know the basics of python and java android but while i enjoyed the projects at the time i didnt go on spending my time on loads of programming projects and stuff i just started a course on ios development which i like but i am not hyperfocused on it i do like it tho but i need a little push i am very good with hardware overclocking etc i learn concepts that interest me very quickly i have done every out of the box thing out there i have done hackintosh but also much more out there kind of stuff i fucked around with software defined radio just first thing that jumped in my head i successfully on first attempt delided a ps cpu and gpu with a scalpel but the list is endless just little projects i get super interested in and then poof completed it so no more interest i am good mechanically i can fix almost all things on bicycles and probably some simple stuff on cars fix loads of shit around the house i can solder and do simple repairs on electronics spent quite a bit of time on rc cars and other rc stuff and can do all of it all self taught i love doing shit like this i have a bachelor degree but dont give a fuck about it i never really enjoyed studying i was mostly interested in my little side projects i would come up with rather than study also love cars and love driving f is a new interest music saves lives or at least is a higher form of language i am not at all interested in virtuose technical playing i also think quite a lot i like joe rogan and sam harris podcasts i have also enjoyed learning about jordan b peterson but dont hold his worldview i find psychology intriguing and would be interested in helping others but i feel like i would only be good at helping some people others might come with problems where i think wtf but i am required to show empathy etc which would probably fail i guess i am an introvert if i feel i have nothing to say id rather say nothing i really enjoy working alone i like spending time with people that are nice to hang out with or think loud nigra is an acceptable form of humor what the fuck do i do lol ,post,male
depression,2020-03-02,the only way from here is down ill try keep this short im a m grew up with quite the screw up of a family but through the depression i didnt know i had it at the time i managed to get through uni accounting and music college grade life went up and down from there got the perfect job screwed it up found the perfect partner same story years ago was the worst though i lost my wife and stepchild all of a sudden to another man no warning all this after losing another dream job its been nothing but drinking screwing up and just drifting from there my father took pity took me in and gave me a job minimum wage things are different this time though i have ambition to even go get out and get fucked on weekends anymore i dont randomly meet women on tinder anymore i work at this point only to support my addictions xanax and morphine its the only thing that gets me through the day sure some nights i have the strength to work on music even got involved with an underground drum n bass label at one point but i deleted all social accounts apart from reddit because its anonymous so ive got no personal contact anymore i dont even have a personal soundcloud anymore my rhetorical question is this is this it will i just forever go on like this working just to support my habit making music at times taking my drugs daily and playing some rpgs at night sure im on antidepressants but they do nothing absolutely nothing do i attempt to kill myself again my dad caught me im not going into detail as to not give people ideas how easy it can be if you have the correct resources or do i just fuck on the way i am doing now i have no ambition to get better none i dont want to be happy again i i just want to not be i dont even know where im going with this im tired im at an age where my friends and family my age are all career driven having kids and here i am looking forward to my next valium and or xanax and morphine combo what do you do when you dont want to get better but youre stuck in a rut most of you seem to give such great advice so i figured id post here thanks for reading my rant ,post,male
depression,2020-03-02,i m am starting to feel depressed again after years on mobile sorry for long post and bad formatting the past few weeks have been shit context i was bullied in primary school by people who used to be my friends i was depressed and often thought about suicide once the bullying stopped in year  years ago and i went to highschool i thought that i had overcome my depression as i was happier and wasnt having anymore suicidal thoughts although i had severe social anxiety i have not been a christian since year because of the bullying and had been struggling with that until a few months ago when i was finally able to admit it to my parents my parents are christian and have been together since they were in highschool my dad had cancer when i was and has chronic back pain as a result and has been basically an absent father my entire life as when he isnt working he is on his phone or sleeping my mum is the mission leader for our church last month i went on a mission trip with my mum and brother to indonesia and someone from indonesia came with us to bali for a holiday at the end of the trip before we returned home i went on the trip because my mum had said to everyone at church that i was going before i had told her whether or not i wanted to go and didnt want to embarrass her by not going even though i didnt want to the person who had come with us has been in contact with my mum for years and they constantly talk to each other and there is an age difference of years what happened when we came back from the mission trip my mum said that my dad and her were getting a divorce because of some of the things my dad has done and she has been silently dealing with the fact that she doesnt love my dad anymore she says she has been dealing with this for the last year and that she finally came to terms with having to get a divorce we found out the same day as our dad the next day i went to a friends place and that night i got the most drunk i have ever gotten and hated myself for it my dad kept coming over and actually started to make an effort in being a part of our lives while also subtlety hinting that part of the reason they were getting divorced was our fault without realizing he was doing it after a week of processing the divorce i found out that my mum had actually slept with the person who came with us for the holiday and that they want to pursue a relationship together i found out this from my dad who had to actively ask what happened and why the apparent suddenness of it all today my dad vented and yelled at us and i had a minor panic attack and realised that i am starting to feel depressed again before all this i was really excited to start going to a university that is much closer than the one i went to last year and has a much better course reputation and employability after graduating from there now im finding it difficult to have the effort to do anything let alone go to university i want to go to a therapist but am afraid to ask as my parents are not going to work because of this and dont have enough money and i dont either ,post,male
depression,2020-03-03,i dont know what to do im m recently even though im very much a spoiled boy i mean like a nice computer nice girlfriend nice life im super depressed i also have anger issues and have been lashing out i do not know what to do i feel like i dont have the right to be depressed because i have all of the nice things i dont know how to feel anymore i hurt mentally and talking to my parents has been tried before no results ,post,male
depression,2020-03-03,how to make people notice and want to talk with you m so its been three extremely hard months for me since november but i am finally winning this battle against depression panic attacks and anxiety which basically caused them all but i have a thing which needs to be explained to me in order to feel free of anxiety for good so i am having a social anxiety which basically means in my case that i never know what to say to people and what to talk about then i noticed there are a very very or few people with whom i dont experience this spending time with these particular people classmates in high school feels brutally awesome and makes me think that everything is possible then i started thinking how do they differ from all of those other people after many years i figured out the answer is with them i can be myself i can talk with them about anything i want anywhere i want they are interested in me and i am not the only one who keeps the conversation going and thats the key so my question is since i cant be free and act truly as myself if i am not around people who actually need or like my prescence how can i meet new people or make friendships with those who i really like but they would just rather spend time with others if i want to make friendships i must be the one who initiates a talk they dont just come to me wanting to talk or to have fun but how can i achieve that it just feels like a paradox situation ,post,male
depression,2020-03-04,i m feel like im reaching a breaking point ive been feeling depressed af the last few months it sort of feels like a relapse after about months of a reasonably healthy mental state basically i feel physically drained of energy all day i have zero motivation to study or try in any way whatsoever in college im doing a notoriously tough course and barely passed my christmas exams i come home exhausted but when i go to bed i just become really agitated and irritated my heart starts pounding and i struggle to breathe i cant get comfortable and even if go to bed exhausted at pm i wouldnt get to sleep until am however in the mornings i struggle so much to get out of bed i feel like theres almost zero point getting up anyway as i wouldnt even miss out on anything i end up missing so many of my lectures simply becuase i cannot bring myself to get out of bed i still live at home going to college but if i lived by myself without parents i could see myself just staying in bed my room for days at a time every day passes by in a sort of blur for me i feel like i almost have a depersonalization disorder as i just operate in autopilot i feel like a shell its almost like im just empty inside i dont feel emotions everything just feels monotonous and numb honestly i really just dont give a fuck about anything anymore i used to have passions like playing music sport reading films etc but nothing excites me anymore i feel like i dont really have an emotional outlet its like im just existing day to day without actually living since i find close to zero pleasure in general life i self medicate with weed i guess its just a coping mechanism in order to feel something other than numb i also think i have memory loss as the last couple months have really blurred i honestly dont know where the time has gone or what ive been doing in that time i also have really really bad eating habits i dont generally eat breakfast and then could go the day without eating however when i come home i often would binge until i struggle to breathe i also feel socially exhausted every day i have to go into college pretending to be someone im not is mentally draining as i feel like im putting on a fake persona just to mask the numbness when all i wanna do is just go to bed get high this is probably part of the reason i avoid going to lectures this all eventually caused me to go to the student couseling services in my college sometime last week however i feel like i wasnt as honest as i should have been regarding my situation i was definitely making it out to be less severe than it actually is they set me up with counselling sessions that start in weeks however i feel like my ability to function has been severely impaired in the last few days tonight i felt the urge to self harm for the first time and honestly if i had clean razors i would already have done so i dont think i can wait weeks for my counselling appointment i feel like i should go to a gp psychiatrist and see what they think i feel like i just want someone to tell me exactly what i have im sure its depression and perhaps symptomatic insomnia a binge eating disorder i guess part of me still denies its depression despite me knowing that it almost certainly is and i feel like i need a medical professional to tell me how it is in order for me to be able to work on getting better i guess i also want to see if they think that medication could help too ultimately i just want treatment as soon as possible something concrete i can show to myself to tell me that im taking steps to improve myself as atm i feel so lost in life and i feel like a breakingpoint might come soon unless i change things i really dont know where to go from here i guess this post is just a reflection maybe i just want to get my thoughts down somewhere but if anyone has any advice obviously id rly appreciate that like most ppl here i just wanna feel normal again if anyone would be willing to talk about things a bit more in detail id appreciate a pm ,post,male
depression,2020-03-04,how do i unisolate myself when i have the energy to do nothing commute work commute sleep thats pretty much my life right now i feel tired every day cant get anything done in my personal life i cant even game or watch anime anymore im so damn tired couple that with very intense loneliness that ive felt my whole life m never had a girlfriend and you have me ive found that throughout my life people just lose interest in me and always end up leaving its always just a matter of time i mean its understandable as all i do is sleep and work i guess honestly i cant take it anymore i just want something to change whatever the hell it may be i want to feel connected with someone i want all these things that i cant have because i just cant bring myself to get them,post,male
depression,2020-03-04,boyfriend m ended things with me f due to depressive episode had no idea he dealt with depression new to reddit i hope im ok to post here and not breaking any rules my boyfriend of years and i have had an overall happy relationship we had one breakup last summer for a month or so due to him being unable to communicate well but since getting back together things have been great we saw each other last week and everything was normal we made plans to spend saturday together saturday i texted him twice during the day and got no reply by pm i was pretty annoyed and over reacted a bit i sent texts asking what was going on expressing frustration that we were dealing with the same lack of communication as before sunday morning he responds saying clearly this isnt working and tells me that he was struggling with a depressive episode saturday and was unable to even find the energy to text me i feel horrible he has never indicated to me that this was a struggle he dealt with hes told me before sometimes he gets into funks but never anything like this if i knew i would have definitely backed off he accused me of always making him feel guilty i asked him to please not make the decision to end our relationship based on a misunderstanding as i can only react to the information i had and to please tell me if he wants to be with me and that i will give him the space he wants needs to recover he never responded to that message so i assume we are broken up i have not tried to contact him since this is probably silly to add but he has also been avoiding all of my social media stories which is out of character for him i have never dealt with depression so im not sure what protocol is here i guess im just looking for how i can reach out if i should let him know im here for him or get him to understand that i would never want to pressure him or negatively affect his mental health im blindsided because a week ago we were talking about our future and now he is acting like i dont exist tl dr i over reacted to my bf not responding to my texts when we had plans he tells me he was dealing with a depressive episode and that i was guilting him and ended things im blindsided and desperate to fix this ,post,male
depression,2020-03-04,i feel like i am not enough i m feel useless unneeded and not enough for anyone sure it may seem like i am just a teenager seeking attention but that is the exact reason i am reaching out to reddit and not to my friends i feel like i am not enough for anyone anywhere im never anyones number one choice every single person has someone else to go to before me i am not my best friends f best friend she has about people shed tell before me i have always kept a small friends circle and slowly it has shrunk so small i do not have anyone to talk to on a personal level for about a year ive felt like i am of no use to anyone i can never do the rights things everyone in out class gets into relationships and bromances but i get left out relationships may not seem like a necessity but i know for a fact no person has ever had a crush interest in a friendship with me i feel like ending it all but the thought of people thinking that we couldve helped worries me i feel really alone i dont know what to do ,post,male
depression,2020-03-04,really like feeling on giving up so me m have been dealing for a long period of time with depressive episodes when i was around i went to a psychologist for a year it helped but clearly not long enough i have been getting depressive episodes more rapidly and more extreme its beginning to take a toll on me im tired and desperate i honestly dont known what to do going back to a psychologist is really hard for me because even though it did help some things happened and it really gave me some trust issues because of it any one who can help me a bit with this ,post,male
depression,2020-03-04,im gonna try and get some help hi everyone im a m just for reference anyways ive been stuck in a long depression since about this time years ago why i exactly started feeling that way im not really sure but i stopped caring about my job about my health basically about anything but smoking weed getting drunk and hanging with my girlfriend at the time at first i just felt that i was kind of out of the loop but then i just felt worse and worse everyday suicidal thoughts feelings of inadequacy really unsure about my future etc and i began to realize i was probably depressed for all of it was basically a really bad year for me i was stuck at a dead endjob i hated not going to school or having some type of future i believed in completely hopeless and desperate for love while i was single and failing miserably at trying and in the worst physical shape of my life my confidence has practically dropped to non existent at the moment im jobless since i got fired from my last job and i dont even have the motivation to look for work all i ever want to do is lay in my bed and sleep and then on top of it a girl i really really liked broke my heart and its really tearing me apart to see her with another guy so the way ive been feeling is just ready to die i think about killing my self far too much so im finally taking the opportunity to get myself help before its too late im gonna talk to my mom openly about how i feel and see what options i can take to help myself i really just want to be better and stop feeling this way id just like to say i would appreciate the support from everyone here because it means the world to know im not alone in this ,post,male
depression,2020-03-05,getting work done when depression is telling you that you cant do anything and youre worth nothing kills me unfortunately not literally hey m here im just a wee little high schooler but i feel like ive been through a whole ass war with my own fucking brain for context my depression got intense at around th th grade finally its started to slow down and i dont want to kill myself as much as i did in middle school but not everythings is so hunky dory i dont know if im alone on this and i doubt i am but its so hard to get motivated to do anything but play video games and smoke weed now i know ill probably be told that the weed isnt helping with my motivation which it isnt but that isnt the issue my issue is that i dont have any drive to want to better myself or to do anything other than what is fun to me am i alone here is this because of something other than my depression i never do homework i never study and these days its actually affecting all of my grades and that kills me because i could get away with doing some of my homework and get amazing grades on tests and times out of id pass with a c or above but now im getting fs in my classes and i just want to quit i cant find a reason to continue being in this useless place we call school for my education anyway you probably have something better to do than to talk to me so id better get back to work ,post,male
depression,2020-03-05,any website or resource for learning common skills that id need in jobs or everyday life x post from r findapath posting here too since im suffering from pretty severe depression and nothing seems to help i need to get a job soon or ill go broke and i feel so unprepared for anything ill get even the career conference at my college the other day seemed to go poorly i had brain fog going in and i have no idea what the recruiters think of me feeling pretty hopeless tbh and my parents and fiance are losing patience it feels like feeling stuck in life and that im going to have to take a job that will only make me feel worse m so ive always done pretty well in school my grades have only ever plummeted when i literally decided not to do work frequently but i think ive always had less common sense than others growing up i was always awkward or knew less common things than my peers ive only had a couple jobs not any really in retail and i have a degree in it software development so my daily tasks are likely to be much different than those id be doing in retail regardless im afraid of being incompetent at easy tasks during work since its happened a few times best example i can think of was asked to mop something up tried mopping seemed self explanatory just drag mop head over mess but did it wrong tried for about sec wasnt using any force downwards to actually scrub the mess had it taken away from me lmao https www youtube com watch v xi o lhre felt embarrassed and like a failure afterwards because who doesnt know how to mop these things made me feel awkward around my co workers because i was clearly less competent than them at basic tasks and i never fit in or made friends regardless not much in common and i live min outside of town some people might call these kinds of skills chores adult responsibilities things that are common knowledge etc adulting skills but i kind of hate that term ive been sheltered a lot of my life and have never had the opportunity to learn them i dont want to blame my parents but ive hardly had any responsibilities or means of learning how to do things properly outside of what ive learned online or in school is there a site or list somewhere of things i should learn to be helpful in jobs i would have never thought to look up or ask how to use a mop since its never taught and everyone just seems to know but obviously i had to id like to learn some common things as i feel useless in that regard a lot of things are easier said than done yet i think this would be helpful for me almost like a howitsmade site or youtube channel for people that are lost in life ,post,male
depression,2020-03-05, m need help badly in relationships before i start i do got to say that i do not struggle with girls becoming interested in me since most of rateme and many other places rate me at about  out of for a male which is about average my main problem is keeping their interest in me a little background on me i dont have many hobbies dropped out of hs because of social anxiety and deppression fathers dead still living with mother have no car nor license and have no motivation whatsoever so my lifes a mess so compared to most my age im lacking in pretty much everything especially confidence no friends really so im mostly alone and feel like dying thats why i came here i need advice and need it bad because soon im afraid im going to hurt myself because this pain keeps breaking me down and down and i dont know where to turn so any help would be appreciated im just so close to ending it i just need someone to talk to right now ,post,male
depression,2020-03-05,probably gonna give up tonight i m am probably gonna give up tonight i had a rough day at work and i kinda snapped at my younger brother and cousin my mom told me i was a pathetic person and it made me realize that i really am just a pathetic fuck up i have been trying to keep it together and not let my depression take over but i think ive just about lost that battle i have a note written out and everything i think tonight might be the night i end it ,post,male
depression,2020-03-07,i hate that im alone i hate that i never had a girlfriend and how all women think im unattractive m never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin never a date im fat lbs ugly short and poor less than  no women sf like me i hate that no women its proven none do think im attractive and wants to date me fuckmylife ,post,male
depression,2020-03-07,i dont know what to feel i m constantly feel empty and emotionless im not sure why i fail to see any purpose in my life and very often get sudden moments where i feel like just crying or running away from everyone and everything i dont like who i am at all and it always feels like nobody else does either in the past ive had problems with drinking and feel like its soon going to resurface i dont even feel like being awake anymore i just try to keep myself busy with work and stuff at home because i know there are people who feel stronger than me and hurt themselves etc therefore i almost feel like my mental state isnt justified im sorry if this is an inappropriate place to post this its just that i have really nowhere else to write or talk about it my friends have kept slipping away from me and getting girlfriends spending their time with them i barely have the motivation or energy to even get out of my bed or meet people anymore its getting harder to even see the point in being alive i hope this doesnt sound too emotional or dramatic i just dont know how to word it any differently ,post,male
depression,2020-03-07,anti depressants have ruined so many good things for me m i dont rant very often but id like to share my personal experience regarding what anti depressants have done to me as an individual i began taking lexapro in because i had symptoms of depression and suicidal thoughts it took a long time for the medication to work but unfortunately it caused me terrible stomach problems my anxiety has been terrible since i was a kid i needed to figure it out so late last november i switched to prozac worst idea of my life i started dating this wonderful girl who was independent and sweet and empathetic with me which helped me sometimes feel like i could fight my mental health problems but when the medication started ramping up in december i started throwing and breaking things and eventually we got into physical altercations i have never in my life been in a fight with another human being im a small guy i dont like confrontation and i dont appreciate when people are irrationally violent well prozac made me absolutely violent it is still coming out of my system and i can feel it lessening everyday but i still cant seem to hold down the rage i cant stop myself from having knee jerk reactions to even little things like what i hear or what people say to me i am in so much pain because this medication isnt helping me control anything like my doctor promised im going to start therapy in hopes to curb this but i havent had these issues since i was ten or eleven years old back in september i was happy but anxious and sometimes fell into depression but i got out of it i dont want to try anymore medication i was perfectly fine just taking the hits and dealing with it on my own but prozac made me feel like i had no control i still sometimes feel like i dont props to my girlfriend f for she hasnt left me while i struggle with this but im feeling like an outcast too ive slept on the couch for two weeks as punishment from her i tell her how i feel and she says i wonder why and then tells me to prove i can be different i just want this bullshit to stop im so done feeling like this i want the pain to stop and i just want to be me again ,post,male
depression,2020-03-09,going bald young hey im an m from the uk going to uni in a yesr i have always head a large forehead but recently my hairlines receded a fair bit n theres thinning on top ive always been fairly sad kid and anxious about the way a look although i dont let it show however since noticing this ive spiralled into a stage of grief and been for therapy i dont want hair transplants or treatment i just need help coming to terms with whats happening i feel like ill be hideous and no one especially women my age will show any sort of attention to me i was wondering if there are any guys or girls have had similar experience and if so did it affect you as much as i think it will,post,male
depression,2020-03-09,cheated by the only girl ive ever loved im m i have always been the quite kind of person who never really socialised a lot i had a few good friends and was alone for the most part of my life untill i got into college into my second year one of my seniors who i was working on a project with started hitting on me and i fell in love with her naively given that it was the first time i wasnt cautious later i found out that she played a dirty truth and dare came with a friend of mine while we were dating and i felt cheated upon probing i found out about her past i dont know which part of the world you are reading this or how your culture shapes your perspective but i come from a conservative society here the concept of casual relationships and premarital sex is still a taboo i found out that she had had many fuck buddies she used to post nudes online and send nudes and i also found out that she had a best friend with whom she was having an online casual relationship while we dated she asked me for an open relationship and all these stuff that i never knew existed all i knew was find a girl love her marry her nevertheless this broke me inside i felt weak and like i dont matter like im not enough its been more than a year and the feelings still lurk in me however she has changed she has become loyal and caring about me i cant leave her just because she had a bad past however i dont know how to get out of this hole ive tried everything my mind got messed up in the process now im a cuckold and like to watch my gf get used by others i wish to become normal again but pain has become my normal mood and im so tired at this point i just let the pain eat me away ive faught it for so many months i tried buddhism but it only distracted me for sometime when my mind is idle i start to think about how my gf used to be someone elses how she had another important man how she had someone else who she used to always talk to share her life with and make memories with more than the sex its the fact that she got so emotionally close to someone else that hurts many times i just feel like dying since i see no way out of this i cant break up with her ive tried many times im just trapped here and left to rot ,post,male
depression,2020-03-09,i m feel like im at the lowest ive ever been friends amp relationships solopreneur ive slowly lost all my friends i dont feel happy with my girlfriend anymore i miss my ex and i feel so so empty those all happened in chronological order while my past friends have all moved on in their lives through university or work theyve made new friends met new people and found some sort of a happy place in their lives as a solopreneur who doesnt go to university or work in a traditional environment i havent gained these friendships as a result all my friends have moved on and im left being that guy asking everyone to outings when everyone is busy with their new friendships ive always been the type of person to delve in the past and think about all the good times that happened this is why im always trying so hard to bring those good times back that apparently no one else wants this was the beginning of my downwards spiral so to say and leads to what happened next being the super sentimental is that the right word person that i am i really wanted to rekindle the past relationships i had and not lose touch i have connected with several friends that i had previously lost touch with but i also decided to reach out to an ex as you might have see from the title yes i do have girlfriend at the moment however for some unknown reason to me i really really want to reconnect with this ex girlfriend and form a friendship i thought that i had a lot in common with her and that we connected very well this sort of connection might be something that i feel i lacking in my current relationship but after reaching out i received no reply i have no idea if she read my message or if shes changed her number or what while i do see her around every once in a while its such a rare occurrence and its always from afar plus im pretty shy so its hard to muster up the courage to speak to her if i see her unexpectedly this happening in addition to how i feel about losing all my friends its killing me i feel like im in a hole that i cant get out of i try to bury myself in more work starting new activities and exercising more i still feel like absolute shit my assumption was that reaching out to my ex to reconnect would be the answer to helping me get out of this emotional hole that im in but it never even crossed my mind that she would completely ignore my message or that i wouldnt be able to reach her reddit what do i do where did it all go wrong plus would it be wrong for me to send a follow up message to my ex again or through a different medium i used already bonus details dating current gf for around years havent spoken to ex for over years tried rekindling friendships for years and it hasnt improved one bit,post,male
depression,2020-03-09,idk what to name this i hate myself im trans my parents arent supporting me im embarrassment to them i dont feel like i deserve help i dont enjoy anything but music reddit im on escitalopram mg i have light ocd to specific things i dont have future my parents told me when im to move out if im gonna transition theyre doing conversion therapy to me my parents are paying psychiatrists to tell be being trans is bad i live in europe and my country is top for worst in terms of lgbt my parents are transphobic my parents told me the internet ruined me my parents tell me im spoiled and i have everything i cant move out i cant study im extremely sad and im thinking of bad stuff and ways to cause harm to myself i hate my parents i hate my body im piece of shit garbage i hate to breathe the same air as some people im losing this battle and idk how longer i can stay nobody understands me nobody tries to help me even my parents dont like me ,post,male
depression,2020-03-10,i ruined it forewarning i have zero relationship experience i made this clear to her in advance but i cant help but think that i did or said something that caused the wrong idea i m met the most amazing woman of the face of the earth f about two months ago she is super sweet kind smart funny drop dead gorgeous and a dream to spend time with we originally met just to hookup however we connected and she became an amazing friend by far the best thing to ever happen to me in my entire life no question we werent bf gf we were us no labels we hung out went on dates explored the city and generally just spent time together and it was so fun and felt so good age gap is a thing i understand i wasnt expecting a relationship or anything but if it turned to that i wouldnt say id be adverse we had talked before about the age gap and she said that it wasnt really a problem anyway the other day i received a text from her that she thinks we shouldnt see each other anymore that things were going too fast and she wasnt comfortable or ready for it two hours before this she responded to a cute meme i sent her that was a cuddle coupon and she said she would be using it a lot how it goes complete turn in such a short time fuck my life frankly im devastated i never intended to rush anything in fact i was more than content being friends i cant help but feel that i did something or said something that ruined it and i hate myself for causing the end of the best thing that has ever happened to me i feel like i was being toxic or asking for too much without realizing it i am in so much pain now i am planning on improving myself mainly to try and numb the pain also hoping that our paths cross once again i place no blame on her if she thinks its over then i guess its over i respect her feelings but god i feel so bad and miss her so much im afraid to sleep at night because i dream about her and feel even worse i cant focus on work or family or anything ive basically been crying nonstop i feel like such a baby and such a burden why would she want to hang out with me anyway i think to myself its so fucking painful i was truly genuinely happy for once in my life and now its over i fucking ruined it i would do anything to be friends with her once again her birthday is coming up and i think im gonna send her a card which is probably the stupidest fucking thing imaginable but i want to do it anyway well yeah i kinda just wanted to vent but im interested to hear about what yall think too thanks for reading lots of love voodoo,post,male
depression,2020-03-10,my m wife f just moved out depressed and pushing me away my wife has been struggling to find happiness for over a year now she couldnt decide if she was unhappy because of us or just unhappy in general it has been a year of her putting extremely limited effort into the relationship and then pulling back once things seem to be improving does this sound like depression taking over or should i just let her go and start over interesting note she started taking cymbalta duloxetine this past weekend ive read that this will take weeks to begin really helping with her views of the world am i silly to think it will change her view of us we went to counseling last february and she told the therapist she never loved me and pretty much forced our entire relationship i know she loved at one point but her views are so jaded now appreciate some feedback with others that have experienced similar ,post,male
depression,2020-03-10,a block i m just spent the greater part of my night with a long time friend playing video games and get a little plastered which usually would result in me feeling a bit happy and or with the ability to sleep but all this served to do was make me incredibly more sad and reminiscent of a time in which my life was much happier and i felt like i had shit to live for what the fuck is wrong with me ,post,male
depression,2020-03-10, m idfk anymore ive been sitting here for the past hours thinking of what would be the best foolproof way to kill myself and i just want to fucking give up i dont want to be here any more i fucking hate everything about myself it would just be so much easier to die now while i have the chance ,post,male
depression,2020-03-11,lost hope m i was completely normal until months ago was sitting in a car then it just felt like my heart stopped i lost hearing for a second then had constant adrenaline the next day muscle twitching that ive never had before lost lbs in months had seizures palpitations months into doctors visit and month into prozac nothing is helping and even doctors are puzzled about whats going on everytime i lay down a muscle twitches it sucks my memory is so bad i dont feel like im living in reality if i kill myself right now i feel like there would be no repercussions doctors are sending me to mayo clinic this is just too much to deal with on my own i have no family provide for myself this sucks just a venting post honestly if i really wanted to kill myself id go do it right now im about there,post,male
depression,2020-03-11,im m killing myself tonight i cant keep living life unloved i just want her back years and i havent found anyone even half as amazing she was the one and i let college distance ruin it i havent been happy even once in those years years ago was the last time i could even fake a smile or force a laugh she was everything to me i love her im not happy right now but im just relieved that i wont have to live without her anymore ,post,male
depression,2020-03-12,my bf m has severe depression and i f dont know how to help suggestions my bf has rarely been open with me about his depression until it comes out during a fight usually as an explanation for his behavior when i didnt realize thats what was going on i hate that i dont know how to deal with it he typically spirals and can spend days weeks or months on a downward path of not getting anything done and being extremely sensitive or irritated i have tried to ask him talk to him about it but he doesnt want to i usually get mildly upset if he snaps at me and dont have the patience that i would like for handling his bad moods how do your spouses support you in a positive way what can i do that wont make it worse or push him away im not the best at taking car office people but im trying to learn tl dr my bf struggles with depression and i need suggestions for how to handle it and support him ,post,male
depression,2020-03-12, m finalizing divorce so at this point im done wallowing in pity im done repeating myself over and over with no one to listen by the time i was half of my family was dead by the time i was i was a young father with two kids by their mother had terminated my parental rights i had met a wonderful woman who helped me heal from unimaginable trauma and depression now at that woman my wife has left me my beat friend of years is gone too ive been to counselors and psychologists theres nothing really wrong with me ive been told time and time again that i do not need medication but here i am alone angry sad my growth as a person amounted to nothing being better meant nothing every single fuckin time i try life kicks me in the nuts and i have to start all over again and im tired of this song and dance im just waiting for her divorce to be final shes happy she found someone right away i dont have anyone and cant find anyone and even if i did they wouldnt be her even she isnt who i thought im tired of being the bad guy im tired of being blamed im tired of losing ,post,male
depression,2020-03-12,i hate when my roomate male brings girls over hey all i m average looking living with few roommates and one of them i consider a player he is not great looking but decent but every time he brings hot beautiful girls over i exploded with jealousy and i feel depressed that im not attracted by women and asking myself what im doing with my life on other hand my roommate is indian and he seduced finest white women every time is it me being dramatic or you guys experience the same one more point he doesnt socialize he works play video games and use tinder without a hustle comment down if you experience the situation or give me advice to overcome this thanks,post,male
depression,2020-03-12,i feel as though i have nothing left to live for i m have been feeling like i have nothing i am in my final semester of college to get my b s in biology i realized the other day that i actually dont know any biology and just did what i needed to do to pass so that i could compete in my varsity sport well now i hate my sport distance running and have struggled to compete i despise the majority of my teammates and dont even want to see my roommates much one of my roommates im fairly close to but he isnt super open i put so much time and effort into athletics that my identity is tied up in it now that its gone i feel like i have nothing left to live for i have no real friends will graduate with a degree that means nothing but a miserable job no more sports and im expected to just find somewhere to live and work what am i even supposed to do some days i can fake it but lately ive just wanted to move on perhaps even just concede to life i dont see where anything better could happen for me i dont remember how to be happy ,post,male
depression,2020-03-13,i live worst life ever possible i need help m im living in russia i have only mother left my grandmother is very sick and tied to a bed my mom is taking care of her father is rarely in touch and living far away i have an uncle beside them my first girl now ex gf of almost years left me recently and im serving probation for a stupid mail order of lsd in my s which i wanted to try out of curiosity as a musician and reader so i dont have anyone to help me besides my mom and my life is fucked up because of a criminal record my girl left me and so did my friends i will never be able to move out of my country and i cant find a job because of my record i just stay at home now alone because my mom supports me and looking for a job i just cry daily and cant stand myself anymore i fucked my life early on and i will never be able to do anything with it anymore drug record messed relationships i want to end it but my mom that truly loves me thats what stops me i dont have any friends anymore only or good friends from my childhood im getting into alcohol to ease it a bit i used to smoke weed it helped immersively but now i cant i used to be the center of company and fine dude and now im miserable dying inside i took a break from university to find a job but its so hard its getting darker every day and i see myself in the end ,post,male
depression,2020-03-14,i m tried to kill myself a month ago and nothing has been better since title says it all i attempted suicide mid february and pretty much nothing has changed i mean now my family knows what im dealing with but still no therapy or medication or anything ill probably end up trying again i dont know im just tired of constantly being depressed and it always feels like no matter how much effort i put into fighting it im always on the losing side of the battle i tell myself that when i go away for college itll be better but then that voice in the back of my head says that it wont be better because its not the environment thats the problem its me its all just very annoying and i feel like ive come to the end of my road ive run out of solutions so some recommendations would be useful thank you ,post,male
depression,2020-03-15,fourth major depression of my life i dont think theres any fight left in me yeah so im getting very sick and stuff doing people are complaining about home isolation and say that its the worst experience theyve ever had on the first day but ive been doing this for years lol not kidding years of not really getting out didnt want this at all i was full of despair years ago lost my screaming voice short after then ive experienced good but it collapsed into a living hell m even though its not important what happened whats wrong too many things i lost count im collapsing im not looking for saviors nor friends or necessarily not attention too if you do pm me or comment here ill answer but for hells sake please dont ghost not everyones a member of society that communicates by the rule book remember this is why im in this place after all im only writing this so that maybe maybe someone will hear ,post,male
depression,2020-03-17,hey really struggling never felt so alone just want to smoke and chat to someone i just want human company im m from scotland im just living in an awful situation and life is just unforgiving just now i just want to smoke and chat shit with someone else who just wants to escape for an hour or two ,post,male
depression,2020-03-18,depression is hurting my ability to love for the past few weeks i m been feeling guilty sad around my girlfriend f she is the most amazing funny compassionate and loving woman ive ever had in my life and i love her so much but recently ive gotten thoughts in my head that im not good enough for her and that she deserves better and i feel like i have to let her go just days ago we went out to a party and everything was good we held hands kissed joked and laughed like we normally do the constant reassurance love support and affection she gives me in light of my feelings makes me feel even more guilty even though i shouldnt i appreciate her so much for what she does for me but i hate myself for not being able to love her the way she deserves to be loved it breaks my heart that i cant always return the love to her that she shows me she has her own problems in her life that far outweigh mine and yet shes strong enough to put on a brave face for me and support me through my down times i dont know why i cant be strong for her the way she is for me i dont know what to do anymore reddit please help ,post,male
depression,2020-03-18,im m suffering from my wifes f depression the title sounds more selfish than i mean it but some part of it is selfishness i suppose my wife is extremely depressed and borderline suicidal since a miscarriage a couple years ago she has lost her best friend painfully watched many other friends get pregnant lost her job and recent tests confirm lost many hormones as well low estrogen im not sure how long its been hormonal but i know our situation is dire im currently a grad school student contributing nothing to this family but debt its too intense of a program to have an actual job but i do work on a small contract type basis my wife does not have a degree and since losing her job business closed has done everything to find another job worth more than minimum wage without luck shes an amazing worker but theres just nothing even available here she feels worthless and like she cannot contribute to society or anyone else we also had to move in with her parents to afford things right now so we are in a bad spot with everything with this new virus who knows when she will be able to find good fulfilling work in short she feels like shes with nothing to show for it and nothing at all what she planned losing our baby we have no idea when things or how they will change we cant afford therapy and even when im done with school next may we will have so many bills to settle before feeling like we can try for a family again i feel like i caused all of this going to grad school i wish i could stop or go back in time but that im too deep to quit now with student loans and what i will make once im out compared to quitting theres absolutely no solution for my wife now youre caught up i try everything i can to make her feel better but im just watching her slip deeper and deeper into depression away from family and friends who dont care enough away from myself who cares but causes some of it in her mind and hearing her talk about suicide makes me want to kill myself it hurts so much to hear i have no idea what to do how do i address having nothing at any positive spin i try to put on her makes her upset or feel invalidated but not doing so just lets me agree and suffer with her im so defeated from being helpless to make my wife happier when thats all i want in the world anymore ,post,male
depression,2020-03-19,i need serious help right now depression from losing ex girlfriend m i need serious help like right this minute but i have no one to talk to im home with my mom during this coronavirus crisis but i dont dare reveal my extreme depression and near suicidal ness to her she already has her own problems and would be a wreck if i ever was honest with her about how im feeling the sudden social isolation has made it times worse because now i realize i have nothing literally nothing the college routine kept me busy but without that im going mentally insane my depression over my past breakup has returned i was with a girl for a year but due to my problems at that time family tragedy depression porn and marijuana addiction etc i treated her badly at times even though the love was real its been a year since she broke it off but the pain has gotten worse with every passing month as i realize more and more how badly i fucked up ive talked to her in the past few months but she mostly either ignores me or says horrible things to me now she says the same story of things i said to her at my lowest points additionally she keeps arguing with me and telling me things like i am extremely selfish and will never make it anywhere and i never said anything like that to her the thing is she doesnt know about my depression and addictions and personal problems while we were together i kept them hidden and ive always been too ashamed to tell anyone now its eating me up inside because while ive gotten better im still struggling some days and i need to tell someone i need to tell her the truth about me shes convinced im just a bad person who treated her badly intentionally she doesnt know how badly i loved her and wont accept my words when i tell her how sorry i am about everything i finally told her today i need to tell her the truth about why i was the way i was things i never told her but she again just insulted me with nastiness and it appears she may have blocked my number now ive never self harmed but for the first time in my life i feel close i cannot focus on anything im trembling i have fucked up so much and i hurt her so bad and i cannot ever forgive myself for it im very close to doing something bad because i have no reason to go on with life anymore she was my everything and i didnt realize it and i fucked everything up i dont want to go on anymore i need the pain to end ,post,male
depression,2020-03-20,i want to power down hello all im a f from the midwestern usa ive been through a lot of trauma in my life and ultimately started going to therapy regularly at ever since then ive been diagnosed w depression sad gad ptsd among other things lately i wake up and as soon as i wake up i wish i could press a power down button that would shut me off for days on end sometimes even weeks i dont know what this means i dont know what i should do about it usually ill wake up excited to talk to my boyfriend m but he never seems to feel the same and then i go into this numb feeling does anyone else experience this ,post,male
depression,2020-03-20,slowly losing myself m i stopped taking my meds because it makes me feel numb and sick mood is at an all time low havent slept no more than hours in the past hours have taken a lot of drugs lately but still trying so gl me gl to you too,post,male
depression,2020-03-22,is smoking weed while suicidal a good idea for context im a m whos probably about to lose my job and my friends im feeling extremely anxious so im getting some weed for the first time,post,male
depression,2020-03-22,my sister is quite depressed and i dont know how to help hey m here my sister f is suffering from severe depression she does see a therapist but i dont know how helpful that is she took up science in school and stuck with it till post grad and became a biomed science graduate what she tells me is that she sucked at it and the pay was shit so eventually she couldnt take it anymore and left her job its been months now and shes been sitting at home her passion lies in music and honestly shes pretty fucking good at it but considering shes now and out of job i get worried seeing that shes just lost the will to do anything at all ive asked her if she can upload some stuff on streaming services like youtube and soundcloud and see if she finds success there but she just wont do it i dont earn but i supported her through her last few months of her job so that she could save enough money for herself and have some financial independence once she quit but since then she just stays at home i wouldnt call her lazy but i think her confidence and self belief have taken a hit i dont believe she should stick around and hustle in a field shes not interested in just to have some form of income but i also know that staying at home isnt gonna help in any way what should i do im not from a well off family so my father cant support her once he stops earning im in med school so ill be earning soon but that aint gonna be enough either i dont like to bring this up and make her feel like im pressuring her to do something its just that i dont know how i can help her get her life back on track tl dr my sisters depressed and im not sure how i can help ,post,male
depression,2020-03-22,how to deal with liking someone you know you cant be with im a m and i work in a school for some reason i started to really like a year old girl who attends there she has no idea nor does anyone else for i would never be so stupid as to act on these feelings because i know it would be illegal i have no attraction for young girls either so im not some sort of sick individual due to the coronavirus the schools have shut and it will likely be months before they reopen as she was in her final year she has now left how can i deal with these feelings as it has left me deeply depressed i know that i can never get with the girl but i cant help how i feel knowing that i might never see her again is really playing on my emotions and i cant go minutes without thinking about her please help me and pls dont judge i didnt choose to have these feelings,post,male
depression,2020-03-22,need someone to chat with m depressed and lonely night is almost upon us peasant anyone up for chatting ,post,male
depression,2020-03-22,severely depressed m with no job friends girlfriend or money what am i living for ,post,male
depression,2020-03-23,my teachers keep asking me if theres something wrong m how do i deal with this what should i say to them i have fears that if i straight up say im depressed ill either be seen as an attention whore or ill get ratted out to my parents ,post,male
depression,2020-03-23,i m have depression and i have the feeling that i need to avoid school is it normal i think is bullshit and now with corona virus i want to aboid it but now my teachers are online and i hate it i hate being losing my time there i dont line to be teach useless things but my mom is very insecure i dont have a good reason to go i want to quit,post,male
depression,2020-03-24, m i am tired to be alone i have no friends at all the last one i had was my neighbour years ago he was year older than me as soon as he got his driving licence and a car he stopped see talk to me never had a girlfriend nor a date was rejected by everyone at kindergarten elementary school high school even in my years of college i was in a soccer team from to years old with the same guys during practice i was always training with the coach no one wanted to be with me some years ago i went to a psychologist she said she could not help me she didnt know how i could live like that that i was too mysterious for her i dont even know what this mean she refused that i pay for the session i still live with my parents fuck this is so pathetic my house i am building will be finished in about months thanks god it was not worth it to stay with my parents that long to get my own house that will worth near k i never tried dating apps because i am not able to see myself in a fucking picture im a skinny guy that still look like years old with no beard i am trying to gain weight i was lb year ago now i am lb but i dont see any differences im  i have nothing interesting to talk about my life except my health issues and the time that the grc royal canadian mounted police raided my house because i had a hacking program in my computer amp x b i wasted my life ,post,male
depression,2020-03-26,how can i depressed f help my husband not depressed m with my depression hi everyone as you can read from the title im seeking help on how to help my husband with my depression a bit of backstory ive struggled with mild moderate depression and some anxiety since i was and i have somewhat unhealthy ways of coping with it but im still here so they work i guess before my husband ive never had any true long term relationships but you can probably tell that from my age haha i consider myself extremely lucky to have found my soulmate and thats why im writing this post before my husband i usually dealt with my spirals breakdowns and panic attacks alone in my room isolated from the world like i said the mechanisms are somewhat unhealthy but its because i dont want to subject anyone to the toxicity i carry during my lows i dont want to go into more details just in case they might be triggering now that im with him its really hard to go through the same mechanisms i would spiral and it would bubble underneath me for hours and i would be absolutely destroyed by my own brain and my husband would be there to pick up the pieces hes always been there for me during these times i love and care about him so much so it physically and mentally hurt me so much more when im going through my lows i learned that i have a terrible tendency to push him away using excuses each more intricate than the last i started to get these strong urges and impulses to hurt myself or behave violently when things dont feel resolved and thats a huge part of my fear that ill end up dead this hurts him as much as it hurts me and im afraid of what might happen one day if i dont learn how to help him help me what should i do to help my husband with my depression tl dr i f want to help my husband m better ways to cope with and handle my depression ,post,male
depression,2020-03-26,why is life so unfair m lost my best friend to suicide mother got sick girl i think im inlove with isnt ready for any commitment seems like i have no friends and when i try to reach out it seems im just being annoying havent ate much in days my heart is so broken i feel so empty and alone when do things get better ,post,male
depression,2020-03-26,questioning the beginning of intelligence a free book for the masses i am not here for any commercial motive the books pdf is free and i envision a movement called qtbimovement which with its momentum can bring a revolution in the life of the common man i post it here in the depression community because we all deserve to get out of the mind emotion delusions the we have drown ourselves into and allocated tremendous amounts of energy and thought but where there is no escape except cycles of misery we share a new perspective here and i encourage you to explore the ideas in the book while people are mostly concerned about solutions to depression we here together question the very existence of depression is it perceived invented or natural and then what is natural anyway natural is cultural programming we are conditioned to imposition of a concept to sensory inputs for e g daily experiences                          i am abhinandan bhatia author of the book questioning the beginning of intelligence how we fell down how to get up totally free is the books digital version pdf download https www dropbox com s pgc yd wzfiwxr qtbi movement  a book for the masses pdf dl  download of pdf is available at dropbox via this link during this outbreak period people are online at historic rates by luck this happens to be most apt time for qtbi movement to reach the masses a movement to spread the message of questioning of raising dissent against mainstream acceptance consumerist society our social programming cultural conditioning and education system i would not take much time here dear reader the whole movement depends on you i believe that nothing will match the momentum of the internet once people start getting acquainted with the movement and themselves take the initiatives to lead it my only message is to forget the messenger pick up the message it is my humble request to the community to spread the word and the book i encourage the community to read the book very carefully circulate the pdf throughout the internet and create awareness of the qtbimovement we will together lead the wave of questioning for questioning is the beginning of intelligence hats off to you all comments and discussions are welcome abhinandan bhatia author,post,male
depression,2020-03-27,my family is falling apart during quarantine my familys relationship has always been rocky but generally we just back off and calm down ever since quarantine started we have all been fighting and picking on each other non stop and its miserable my dad keeps leaving at night to go do his own thing which he has been doing for years and no body knows what his own thing is i m am constantly fighting with my extremely annoying sister f which my parents are yelling at us for all while my parents are also yelling at each other because my dad is never around but is around more than usual on quarantine and never does anything for the family and my mom hates him for it what do i do i am having a terrible time and i just want this whole thing to be over i am about ready to tell my dad to get the fuck out of our house because he is pissing me off more than normal as well ,post,male
depression,2020-03-27,i dont know what to think about myself ok major question here could i possibly be depressed or smth else my story short version sorry i wrote too much and is not a short version anymore also sorry for my non native english this is the first time ever i talk about my problems with anyone im a m who recently months ago moved out from parents home to live with a close friend i work as it support in a office i truly hate thats why i applied for another work for government which is a completely different work and i think it will be a nice new start for me im single i had one serious relation which finished around years ago and i was never been capable to find another girl until i knew on tinder a very nice girl one month ago which seemed perfect for me just tbh i dont think im super ugly or stuff i dont like myself but i think im a normal guy im not antisocial i like to stay with other ppl and friends but i usually cant go out because i dont have many friends and during weekends they usually go out with gf or stay at home and i dont know how to make new friends i travel a lot these past years it was with my young brother my travels are the only moments during the year when im truly happy and capable to see the bright side of life thats why i usually do at least big travels every year and thats why im always out of money it seemed things was going better until coronavirus which completely paralyze my apply for the new job and for new travels also that girl i knew told me she is now looking exclusively at casual sex and random relationships with multiple ppl which is something im not sure i want otherwise my choice is returning alone again so for now im still talking with her and waiting the end of the isolation to see what will happen with her this is my story it could seem like im a normal guy with an unlucky year but i often feel empty alone when i come back to home i usually stay in my bed watching tv series and playing videogames i dont want to kill myself mostly because my family would be devastated and because i know thats completely useless and im sort of depressed optimistic i know there are a solution for my feelings and i know i will found it at some point but i feel tired to search it and sometimes i just want to sleep and wait the end of the day this arent my feelings  sometimes im happy or whatever but im also very lunatic and i change emotions in no time during a single day the office parkour meme related that feelings i explained happened also before the coronavirus case so thats completely unrelated in case you thought it any advice will be truly appreciated i dont know if theres something i can do to move away from this situation and it seems everytime i try to do something things go terribly wrong like it was with the new girl and the new job if you read until here thanks ,post,male
depression,2020-03-27,four times ive tried dating my girlfriend three times havent worked im certain the fourth is about to end why do i try anymore my girlfriend and i m have been on and off for about six years this is the fourth time weve dated it hasnt even been three months and shes already wanting to call it quits i feel like its all my fault that i havent been able to do what im supposed to do i have no way to see other than get rides to her house or see her at work or vice versa weve only seen each other a handful of times within the past year it feels like its worth it every time i get to see her i truly do love her and seeing makes my world just a little brighter and shes been stressed at home for reasons i wont explain i felt that this was coming sometime soon because she hadnt been responsive most likely because of how clingy i tend to get for a couple weeks but with the whole coronavirus issue coming into play she has to work her butt off to provide enough income for her family she makes the most money and works at walmart for around hour im hoping its just the stress getting to her but at this point ive just given up shes like one of the only reasons i want to live my life to the fullest left i dont want her to go away but i want the best for her im giving up on everything i dont know what to do anymore ,post,male
depression,2020-03-27,evaluate my message to my depressed bf my f long distance bf m has been very withdrawn recently im aware he has been dealing with his mental health for a long while but within the year and a half weve been dating this is the very first time im experiencing his depressive episodes to this extent this has been going on since mid january when his feelings of self doubt and worthlessness became especially prevalent to me he has opened up to me about how he feels and he has explained his thought process to me since then until now he can often go multiple days without responding back to me because of stress or lack of energy or just general apathy which i understand however im guilty of becoming anxious and constantly wondering if i play a part in his sadness though he has reassured me i dont im trying my best to steer away from that mentality he hasnt responded in days so i was planning to send him a handwritten message thought itll be scanned and sent as an image please let me know if theres anything else i can add to further emphasise the support and love i have for him and if what im saying is helpful and reassuring at all     im sorry i cant do more for you my love and im sorry if i may get upset at times but please dont interpret it as you not being good enough youre more than enough for me you always have been it hurts to know that you may be struggling so much more than im aware of and that i cant comfort you in ways other than words i know it may not feel like it but i believe you have the strength in you to hold yourself above this im praying for you everyday and im trying my best to understand you in the most helpful way possible i apologise if ive ever overwhelmed you made you feel guilty or made you feel like a burden i value you youre important to me and i care so much about you theres nothing i want more than for you to not have to endure so much pain anymore please take care of yourself in the meantime and stay safe take your time and dont force yourself ill always be here whenever you need me to be whenever youre ready ive never stopped being proud of you and proud to have you youre my blessing please dont forget that i love you with everything that i have my darling     thank you i really would appreciate your feedback ,post,male
depression,2020-03-28,im m struggling with my moms controlling behavior and her distrust im years old unemployed university graduate staying with my parents after i resigned from old workplace i love my mom but i already had enough with her controlling behavior a little example she assumed me playing games while im struggling to working on my curriculum vitae as im trying to find some jobs online today she hold me off to going workout at dawn because she called inappropriate to doing anything before prayers call i know the current situation involving covid but i know what im doing i already planned that i will run around my house only for minutes km run i did that because her concern i ran at dawn because no one crossing on the road at that time knowing after she thought covid brought from dust and fog from commuting vehicles im struggling with this classic parent children thing but this is ridiculous even in my position as the last child i cant hold these negative emotions sometimes i burst out and yelling at my mom because i cant take it anymore i dont know how to stand up for myself in front of my parents properly its affecting my mental health and stress management sometimes i punched wall to calm myself what should i do ,post,male
depression,2020-03-28,what is it like to be depressed i m have been feeling like im depressed for the past year and a half i cant really go to a medical professional without telling my parents and i dont want them to freak out the thing is that im not sure if im depressed or just plain sad and so i was hoping somebody here would help me diagnose myself as to whether i do in fact have depression or not a couple reasons as to why im not sure whether i am in fact depressed are it is genuinely better some days i am sad most of the time but not all the time it has gotten worse in the last week or so where i dont feel like doing anything i previously enjoyed but it has only been since my break up so this will probably pass apart from my recent break up there hasnt really been any major incident in my life which would make me depressed and even my break up is a very small thing considering what other people here have gone through so i feel like there isnt really any reason for me to feel depressed its just sadness but as i have mentioned before it has been a year and a half and it doesnt seem to be getting better to everybody who is going through something right now i wish you the very best and hope you feel better soon ,post,male
depression,2020-03-29, f m yes im real and can verify if i need to sincerely looking for someone who could help me get some food honestly i can return the favor if i need to snap cheyskye or just d m please,post,male
depression,2020-03-29,i just dont wanna do it anymore m for context my girlfriend cheated on me then i got her pregnant shes about months in and says she wants to get an abortion but hasnt taken any action to actually get one so i dont think she actually will i love her but i havent been able to sleep for longer than hours at a time since she told me because i keep thinking about her and that guy if she plans on having my child i cant leave her i have to be a good father the only time i dont feel outright suicidal is at work and when im smoking pot but im a fast food worker and because of this covid thing im only getting like one hour shift a week and i can only smoke pot late at night because my parents dont approve of it i hate my life everyday i do nothing but rot in misery i just dont wanna do this anymore,post,male
depression,2020-03-30,back home because of covid i f have noticed clear signs of depression in my ageing immigrant father m and its breaking my heart for not knowing how to help my father immigrated to canada back in the s got lucky with a k figure salary his charm and active social life he was a happy clam with my mother this all changed slowly when he quit drinking and lost the social group he nurtured since his s he also lost his job in the crash and has since needed to resort to cab and truck driving because he never completed high school and no longer was the breadwinner at home as my mother surpassed his income in a clerical finance role as an adult he also cannot fill his afternoons or days with helping me or anyone in our family as all siblings are self sufficient during this strange virus i have moved home to be with my family having formerly lived time zones away while the entire family siblings and mother resort to our rooms to work during the office hours of our respected jobs pst est mst we limit our social time to lunch and dinner after logging off from the day my father however has been out of work the cab business is slow and that resorts to him being at home without former hobbies or interests he often spends unhealthy hours watching videos in english that he often does not understand he has fortunately found interest in recipes and daring to cook but it is all time spent alone he does not seem to have friends he can socialize with and will often walk or nap throughout the day curled up in a ball on the couch or bed if he hears footsteps hell sit up or ask if he can help with anything i dont know how to help my father who appears to lost all zest for life he is not needed and does not know how to spend his days if not working he also grew up in a different generation where i imagine it hurts to not be the provider of the family and instead has become the house dad to no children i love my father dearly and while i understand his situation may be unique i just dont know how to help im sorry if i didnt provide the correct details here and i do appreciate any advice on how to strengthen my relationship with him or him with others tldr immigrant father is visibly depressed and i am now noticing clear signs while at home b c of covid unsure how to navigate this situation as he is very reserved and is attempting to fake being okay when others are around ,post,male
depression,2020-03-30,a constant string of negativity hello this would be my first post on this website im sorry if i made any mistakes that seems to go under my eye including grammar amp x b im ken m from the ph since the first day of lockdown here in our country i thought it would be great for an ambivert like me to stay at home and continue my daily life as a streamer the reason why i put on on ambivert is that i cant understand myself if im an introvert or an extrovert at this point getting back on the topic i thought i would have a blast its already the rd week of the lockdown my mind cant calm itself and my wild imagination spreads out of the brain not mentioning the time of the sleep am till am then play games all night long tonight i was trying to think of something that might help me reduce my stress i cant even play games masturbate stream watch videos etc i am constantly having the same thing that goes on my mind i am useless i always think of this not only when the pandemic started ever since my last breakup i was constantly blaming myself for being the useless side of a relationship i never noticed this kind of thing it only got into me as i type this down amp x b im sorry if i managed to fuck this up be an asshole about it be a fucking cry baby or anything that come into your mind if ever you read the whole bullshit that came from my depressive self i just needed to tell someone regardless if they care or not i just wanted to avoid being a suicidal for nothing useful of a teenager amp x b i think this is all just getting into my head if ever you have some advice or some critique about my bullshit situation please do tell me because i would really appreciate it right now thank you amp x b ps i really wanted to consult a psychiatrist about this but i dont have the cash to do so that is why i am struggling on keeping this unto my self until now im sorry ,post,male
depression,2020-03-30,i need help please making a throwaway as i want the anonymity ps my mind is a fucking mess atm amp sorry if you guys cannot fully understand what i am saying im m my dad died last year in october due to prolonged prescription drug issues while also secretly wasting all our fucking money that we got from selling the house to fund his addiction although he got help amp bettered himself those issues were the cause of his demise my brother m also has a bad drug habit that came out last year like extremely bad his paranoia amp hallucinations due to withdrawals before going into rehab really fucked me up as i never knew what was going to happen next this all happened in months and for the years before it was all my mother she has had health issues her whole life open hear surgeries stroke pneumonia valve replacement heart transplant diabetes amp was near death multiple times to the point where i had to call the ambulance during her cardiac arrest when i was this is just a couple things that have happened throughout my lifetime this has impacted me so much amp i have been diagnosed with depression although my family care about me extremely i dont like to talk to them about my feelings i prefer a psychologist or some close friends this is where i need help my friends we are all supposed to be best mates we are supposed to care about eachother but i cant help but feel like i have been left in the dark they all say they are there for me they know my history but yet they seem to still ignore my feelings i dont think i have ever recieved a message asking how me or the family is going when i ask them all the time they know im still trying to find my real self again but they wont even help me in anyway we talk everyday and there would be times where i wouldnt reply or talk to them for days due to just feeling low amp they wouldnt even fucking message me to see if i was alright i have genuinely explained my situation mood swings being on edge amp angry at times for minor issues amp that i am seeking help to get me back on track but they will still have a go at me amp argue with me amp talk shit about me when they said they understood my situation sometimes i wish their dad would fucking die at so they could see what its fucking like im fucking confused how do i approach this i dont want to lose my friends but i cant keep taking this shit from them i dont want to bring it up with them because i dont fucking know how maybe i should just completely ignore them until one of them asks me finally or notices something is completely wrong so i can let them know everything sorry if i cant type properly i just cant think straight thanks for reading ,post,male
depression,2020-03-31,how do you guys convince yourself that what youre doing life is meaningful for a little background i m really look up to my dad but ever since i was a kid hes always told me how ill never succeed ill never be smart enough to have a real job which apparently the only really jobs are being a doctor lawyer engineer or programmer and how im generally just a talentless piece of shit recently ive been able to make myself feel like i have some kind of purpose ie getting work better grades in college but now that were all in quarantine i dont know whats meaningful to me anymore my purpose was to get up go to work go to school do homework be successful and useful but now that i cant work and my school is online i feel like nothing how do you guys convince yourselves that being happy is worth it that the little things are worth it that its okay to enjoy yourself ,post,male
depression,2020-04-01,ive been studying strategies to minimize depression and anxiety and am open to chatting hello growing up wasnt always easy for me there were stages in my life where i was unhappy and felt like a cloud was over my head this lasted for years and then i hit a turning point and started figuring things out and improved my overall happiness a few years ago i started learning about positive psychology to continue to learn systems to help me live with as much joy as possible i continued to read books and become a certified coach along the way during this time of uncertainty and being stuck in the damn house all the time i see myself having similar feelings but its totally different now as im able to recover from negative feelings much quicker and not get caught up in them i would love to share some of my findings and am happy to chat with anyone interested for an hour to share some tips and tricks https calendly com robin heckelmann harris discovery call https calendly com robin heckelmann harris discovery call fbclid iwar qibozjm lbtsphws b hhmjq qvnsp gf iyknnrgii mlu hupq robin,post,male
depression,2020-04-02,i f need advice on how to help my boyfriend m get through his depression i myself am a sufferer of mental health issues though i feel as though i cope as best i can i remind myself of how lucky i am whilst also not dismissing how i feel i take necessary days off to in the long term aid my mental health i have routines and resources to look forward to i also have outlets to vent to in times of despair ive dealt with depression long enough to over come it for the most part whilst still suffering my brother attempted suicide when i was and from that point onwards it was the beginning of my mental health issues though going through that i know suicide is an option i will never consider whilst even feeling suicidal the lasting damage is too painful on those you love and ive learned how precious life is through this in conclusion ive come to terms with my depression being apart of me and ive tried my best to adapt im glad im growing up in a period of time where mental health for the most part is normalised if not i dont think i would cope as well as i do though my boyfriend on the other hand struggles to see the light and struggles to get through the day with his underlying depressive thoughts these depressive thoughts have become darker he doesnt put the pressure of suicide on our relationship though he has made it clear he has suicidal thoughts and finds it hard to see past these thoughts with everything going on right now and for him to not have his usual resources of happiness that help him through the day he is getting worse also me not being there in person to comfort him is hurting him a lot i feel myself getting overwhelmed by everything also but im still coping and believe this is temporary and it will all be okay if i didnt think this way i also would be cracking up alike him but he cant seem to take on this it will be okay mindset which is important right now but it would be ignorant of me to get annoyed that he doesnt think this way because thats an element of depression which he has negative thoughts and feelings of despair i have voiced that i think he needs professional help as have his friends he got the courage to openly discuss his mental health to his friends and have they also in return hes aware it isnt fair to put this stress over us by opening up about how he feels regarding his suicidal thoughts though he cant come to terms with getting to the point of talking to his parents that would be the first step in getting towards professional help i cant help put feel overwhelmed when the topic comes up i dont know how to react im not a professional my advice to him is to realise how he currently feels is only temporary and that i myself go through bouts of depression i get out of them im okay for a while i fall back he has never experienced depression up until years ago i have experienced depression for the past years hence my reasoning for my development of coping mechanisms he cant come to terms with why he isnt like his old self why he isnt happy all the time we all have our breaking point i believe when childhood happiness just fades though he often thinks back to when he didnt feel this way but i dont know how to help that with my experiences and relatability to how he feels in ways still doesnt help i never turn things on myself i simply resonate im aware of how annoying it is when your upset and someone ignorantly makes it about them i give advice as to how i deal how i think he should approach things that will help him but i cant help him i dont know how to help him but all i want to do is to help and be there i believe he is only going to get worse as this goes on and i dont know where else to go for advice i myself will probably only worsen too i feel we all will but how do we keep sane in the midst of a pandemic how can i help him keep sane and halt his worsening thoughts im trying my best and advice is really what i need right now ,post,male
depression,2020-04-02,how to get on with my life m how do i get on with my life everyday my whole life ive always been trying to help others and this goes from the fact that im adopted so i feel that my problems could always be worst and i should just try to suck it up and help others fix there own issues i always thought that since im adopted i should try to help others as a way to cope with it i always knew me helping other would not solve my problem but i though i would have time to think about what i was going to do to get over my problems now with this coranavirus it just eating at me i cant help anybody so now im just stuck thinking about my own problems i would tell my parents but i dont want to put a burden on there life worrying about me as far as i can tell they said i was being quite lately but i just told them in feeling a little sick i feel that sense they already take care of me i should not tell them i also dont feel like i should tell any other friend or family because it would just be a burden on them to how do to i get over this these feeling of self worthlessness without my family getting involved ,post,male
depression,2020-04-03,i just need to do the work m i have weeks left until exams and i havent done any study i know if i start now ill do well enough to get out of this house but im just struggling i dropped out of school a couple months ago because i was tired of being stuck in the same place i had no friends and i was just awkward as hell i left because id made the decision to improve my life and i felt there was no room for change in boarding school i feel like my anxiety around other people has improved but im still always alone and its so hard to study when youre so divorced from reality im now living at home studying as an external candidate and trying to study to get some grades so i can leave this place my home is in the middle of nowhere but every day i can barely get out of bed i have no hobbies and i dont get the work done ive tried to do things but its all so boring ive just lost my patience from years of tv and i cant seem to handle something without instant gratification i dont want to end up like one of those guys who stay home for their entire life i dont like tv i dont like anything but everyday the hours just slide by and i cant force myself to do the work i get lost in these pathetic fantasies of fame and being liked but god its so boring i dont even enjoy music and tv anymore the fantasy is so boring and so pathetic but its just marginally better than reality i worry about this post coming across as self pitying i know what i need to do in the last few months my social anxiety has improved and somehow i can now hold a normal conversation and seem like a normal person i need to start a schedule and stick to it but ive done this several times im sorry if it sounds defeatist but im tired of repeating the same mistakes day in day out with no progress with my life ive moved on from being awkward around people but the damage is done and im alone and its hard to work when there nothing around to remind you what to work for the last few months have been a waste but if i can beat these next weeks i can get to a place where i dont have to be alone i know what i have to do to get on with my life i dont know if its going to work sorry but i just had let all of this out ,post,male
depression,2020-04-03,my f bf m of years got caught cheating on me while i am here in the childrens hospital with our yo daughter whos intubated and fighting a viral pneumonia ive been so tired so depressed dealing with different doctors everyday my daughters developmentally delayed with a seizure disorder so it was a little more difficult for her to fight off this common viral pneumonia kids her age tend to get ive been in the hospital since march nd with our daughter who turned on the march st everything was going okay so far her dad was coming over every night after work and being all the great things bc otherwise id be pissed at him for not being here for us weve had this fight one too many times but he stepped it up this time i told him i was so happy and proud that we were doing okay and he was here for us but then covid hit us and suddenly shit got really real for us they kicked out my mom one week and limited to visitors to only mom and dad at bedside a week later dad got kicked out now its only me allowed at bedside its been super rough going through all of this alone to say the least then things really started to get emotionally draining for me her dad started being irresponsible pulling rent money from our savings to buy weed smoking way too much spending long amounts of hours on the game he stopped texting me back i would get upset because i needed him here for me still and wanted to talk to him i dont have anyone to talk to hes supposed to be my person we fought over that for a few days i didnt talk to him for two days his facebook was logged in on his laptop that was left here for me to watch tv on i got curious he was liking this one girls post at in the morning more on that later he also unblocked one of his exes apparently he felt compelled to check up on them and see how theyre doing at am instead of thinking about us and checking to see how were doing over here which really sucked i questioned him i asked him why he unblocked her he just was curious and wanted to see how shes doing apparently the girl who cheated on him with her best friend i questioned him about the other girl the one that he was liking her post he said he had no idea who she was and it just popped up on his timeline we eventually sort of get over our fighting but i wasnt over it honestly i was just tired of fighting tired of having to dumb things down for him and explain why his behavior is inappropriate and why it was hurtful for him to be a certain ways towards me regardless of how irritated he is things seemed kind of steady and okay hes texting me often calling me once hes out of work bringing me food everyday again all the great things telling me how he cant wait for us to be home so he can hold us and his arms all the great things he shouldve been doing all along then i find out that hes been messaging the one girl that he denied knowing through snapchat hes been consistently talking to her he met her through his coworker he lied to me about knowing her he was planning to meet up with her tomorrow to hang out and smoke after telling him all of this and i knew the truth about it all he admitted it to me finally he didnt really seem apologetic didnt apologize kept saying he doesnt know what to say or how to fix it he also said that hes not displaying any sympathy because hes half awake and super sleepy i feel so shitty ive been crying non stop i wanted to stay with him despite all of this to work this out for the sake of our daughter he says he wants us to be a family and wont talk to her anymore but i dont trust him im already going crazy thinking about what hes going to do tomorrow and if hes going to lie to me and still hang out with her its already over hopefully well be getting discharged within the next week or so and i have no idea where were going to go i dont want to go home to our apartment thats not a home anymore my daughter is special needs and i havent been able to work after graduating school because she doesnt qualify for nursing something she needs and theres not a daycare available that can watch her my mom is not willing to help out much as far as daycare goes either i dont know what the heck im going to do but i do know that i cant go back to him after this ,post,male
depression,2020-04-03,i m resent every fucking breath i take what the fuck is wrong with me i had the oppertune moment to take control of my life and i fucked it up god damn if was going to be thrown in this fucking hell hole at least give me some fucking backbone to deal with it my first ever paycheck all the way back in fucking  couldve bought the one thing ive been trying to get since  a ps when i told my parents they literally said are you crazy the money has made you mad i cant buy shit i like with my own fucking money they made me give them my entire fucking paycheck of usd my oldest brother literally cost my family k usd k in local currency in just car fines and within a year thats my little brothers entire annual school fees for a fucking year still the fucker gets off scott free ,post,male
depression,2020-04-04,how do i improved my life and have self confidence m japanese no job or part times shift those days no relations no car neither license virgin pretending had lost for them gambling addiction still dependence on parents inferiority complex cant into speaking english well and defaulting phone utility for over three years by gambling problems so to interfering with my daily life but cant repay not enough on my profits i connect free wifi by public facility everyday rests is all my money so far all my things to be life goes worse no longer being good fuck me ,post,male
depression,2020-04-04,depression morphing into rage lately ive been feeling my depressive thoughts moving further towards an overwhelming sense of frustration lying around doing nothing is now being accompanied by temper tantrums and meltdowns the depression makes me so goddamn mad and then the anger just funnels back into a deeper depression once ive calmed down its weird i never thought of myself as having an anger problem my parents and teachers were always concerned that i never seemed to show enough emotion but now when im outside ive been punching holes in walls breaking things and getting into fights i feel myself getting more exasperated by the day at my depression at this state of being my life everything i can feel it right now let me just type it idashsdfjk ylnv o b v b  k c  j fc mt c l c c goddamit i feel so fcking lost and confused what,post,male
depression,2020-04-05,i feel helpless at this point hello fellow redditors im m from india its am right now at the exact moment when im writing this post reddit right now is my last resort and i dont know where else to go as i feel mentally clutched and no one else to talk to right now i have been experiencing spells of anxiety and depression ever since i was around or and it worsened day by day it is also important to note that i have an extreme social awkwardness and even though i manage to make friends they tend to keep me sidelined and hence im always left alone i believed till then that maybe its a part and parcel of my life the loneliness i have experienced bullying during my schooling days and i never realised how deeply it would scar me i apologise if im not making any sense but it is during this point of the day that i feel most vulnerable and even during broad daylight i literally have no one else to reach out to if i go on speaking about my life here it is going to be a huge rant and i dont wanna do that right now im just here to vent the feeling about being lonely and facing severe panic attacks all throughout the day and feel isolated gloomy and sleepless at night i have lost interest in things i liked to do and instead i go about finding solace or solution over the internet i dont know what is happening to me i dont know what to do and i feel its better to die than be a burden to this many lot of people thank you for reading i mean if you did also sorry for posting this messed up thought i could have texted this to someone instead but seeing theres no one i ended up in this subreddit hope you all have a nice day ,post,male
depression,2020-04-05,feel in a constant downward spiral alright time to get this off my chest m and due to the current epidemic my work shut down im lucky that im financially comfortable and i know a lot of people have it worse than me but idk all i can do is stay in my apartment all day apart from going to the grocery store and stuff not to mention the strain being apart is putting on my relationship with my so but thats a whole other story i basically stay home and watch amazon prime and old michael jackson concerts most the day while having cigarette after cigarette i never thought itd be like this i love to work nothing is going right i give up anyways thats all i need to say just wanted to vent,post,male
depression,2020-04-05,why do i feel so lost all the time some background f studying mechanical engineering passed all my exams since the day i started college in a year relationship with a m also engineer but something just doesnt feel right i feel broken as if a part of me was just cut off of me and thrown away and i cant find it back in december i just couldnt stop crying all the time he would come back from work to me crying in despair something just hurt still hurts but less and i dont know what it is amp x b i just feel lost all the time am i doing whats best for me is being an engineer what i really want to purse for the years to come am i just depressed whats my purpose in life i just dont know what to think anymore and it just hurts all the time amp x b i feel like packing all my stuff and leaving for another country but is it really going to change how i feel inside is it just a dumb way to cope with my anxiety over my life i just wish someone whod tell me that its going to be okay in the end that ill eventually find my path ill find a purpose amp x b im just crying over this not knowing what to do to change my mindset should i seek help should i just wait as this feeling could magically go away amp x b so here i am just rambling about my life to you all redditors because i have no one else to talk to about whats happening inside my head ,post,male
depression,2020-04-05,is it normal to want to break up with my girlfriend because i feel like a loser what should i m do there are days when i cry because i hate myself and see myself as a horrible loser i feel like i havent achieved anything that i ever wanted and the path that i am going down graduating and preparing for phd admission isnt something i want to do its just family pressure nevermind all these things the main problem is i love my girlfriend f and i can only see a bad future for her if she remains with me on my bad days i feel like i should break up with her to give her a better life although she is one of the few reasons i have still been able to keep myself from breaking down does anyone else ever feel the same way should i talk to her about it ,post,male
depression,2020-04-05,why is my depression back my heart aches day by day and this coronavirus pandemic isnt making it any better im a m and this pain and dread to survive is killing me im losing so much over this and ive felt i have finally gotten over my depression after almost years and yet it feels like its back and im off my meds now i dont know what to do anymore i relied on my medication then i relied on people and gave up on meds now i have no one no one to help me no medicine to keep my emotions calm i dont know what to do my head is hurting and i can never sleep my heart hurts and every breath is another breath i dont want to take my life is hurting me every year every year i must suffer i took years of countless bullying and lies and hate put towards me in highschool middle shcool my friends betrayed me and college i thought would be a fresh start but this is where i have been more suicidal than ever why is it back i have a girlfriend now i have a good family nobody picks on me anymore why is this happening again i cant take it i want to end it and put myself out of my misery my life is pain and ive always hid it everyone got surprised seeing my medication back then thinking i was the happiest person in the world so they thought i didnt have issues but it was a facade and i realized ive fallen for my own facade am i still depressed why i miss my medication i miss my friends i miss wanting to be alive what is the point anymore my life hurts so much i cant take it i cant even see my therapist or anything help me please why is this back i want to be happy again desperately im desperate i dont want to end my life and its not that im afraid of death but i am afraid of the people i would leave behind i cant do that to them ive always been told to just be happy how how do you be happy ,post,male
depression,2020-04-05,the world is pure evil and after us why do we have to go through life like this likes its an inescapable and psychologically internally and insufferable eternal hell the answer would be that their are pure and absolute evil sadistic and conscious forces who fuck up the lives of good people who deserve better for their sadistic pleasure and entertainment and control our lives events around us our thoughts emotions and actions to make us suffer for no reason we live in the matrix and that live is an insufferable and inescapable hell that is being controlled by evil forces outside the universe that are secretly unknowingly and psychologically tormenting and torture us for no reason and do it in really well and hidden ways and affect the external factors around us that makes us repeat our wrong habits and the unnecessarily bad things that repeatedly happen in our lives that are not in our control or responsibility and speed up time so uncomfortably fast to make us miss the moment and feel forever trapped and miserable here are proofs https youtu be zo ssjb tri https youtu be u z rsmls https youtu be rt watq vwy https youtu be ef maqz xa https youtu be an wqwvhj g https youtu be qlld qde q https youtu be chfoo nbeow https youtu be syag dafy u https youtu be bmtxqiqveh https youtu be snnqtfshya https youtu be z aszon m https youtu be z glayozfps https menofvalue com  devotional god spiderman https youtu be i sirfz c,post,male
depression,2020-04-05,im falling so i sit in bed daily and sleep sometimes i get up to eat walk around or cook but mostly i just lie in bed and fall in and out of sleep my f boyfriend m is a really great help but he is also going through depression and has constant overwhelming anxiety he really needs my support and i want to be there for him i grew up in a privileged family and i know that i am so grateful for the life i was given but for some reason i feel this bitter coldness enveloping me more and more i dont want to go outside and do things i dont enjoy things like i used to i just sleep ive been seeking help from psychologists psychiatrists and gps but i also feel like im not worth their time as if my problems arent worth it maybe thats why i sugar coat things and say that things arent that bad that im coping okay but really i feel so close to doing something reckless it feels like no one can see how close i am to drowning but some part of me will smile and tell people im okay because i feel immense guilt from even suggesting that im not whats wrong with me ,post,male
depression,2020-04-06,my father walked out on us today for some context i am m and usually live away from home for university reasons but am back home now due to lockdown in the uk anyway today was fucking awful i woke up late and something just felt off in the house when i went down to get breakfast i found a note from my father addressed to my mother explaining that he had betrayed her trust and didnt know how to tell her about it later he came home and spoke to me turns out he had been seeing someone else and that person wasnt even much older than me he has decided to move out for a week though he has said that this doesnt necessarily mean he and my mother are going to split up but i think it will culminate in divorce yet the troubling thing was that when he told me though he was crying and very clearly upset about the whole thing i felt absolutely nothing not sadness not despair not even anger i just felt absolutely void of anything at all perhaps the emotions of the situation are yet to kick in but i feel absolutely fucking nothing and i hate it i feel like my own depression is preventing me from even being able to generate normal human emotions at this point i want to fucking die ,post,male
depression,2020-04-06,debating whether to commit on april hello i am f i am selectively mute which makes it nearly impossible to make friends i did have one but she got more popular than me changed into a different person and let her new friends bully me i cut her out but shes the most liked person at my school and turned everyone against me this isnt as big of a concern anymore since school is canceled but im still so depressed i had my first boyfriend m i met in an instagram community and we got very close i realize the age difference was wrong but i was too caught up in it and thought i loved him he added me to a discord chat with his friends and it was okay for a while we exchanged pictures i really only do this if i think i love someone which i deeply regret then after weeks one of his friends in the group chat was being mean so he called her out on it and she got really mad she posted on her instagram story about our age gap and had all her friends send him mean messages we broke up which was really upsetting then just a few days ago i met someone on here i really liked and i got too excited and we exchanged pictures quickly i liked him a lot but hes also suffering with depression and told me hes blocking everyone so hell be able to kill himself tonight i am devastated and angry with everything and its not only stupid high school drama i absolutely cannot connect with anyone i cannot make friends i am always a second choice and i have since left that instagram community where all my online friends were so i have no one to talk to im so angered with how cruel and thoughtless people are and if you look at my profile youll see i post in r selfie often i am aware that i can be attractive sometimes i post those pictures to get attention from men that i dont get irl i promise i look completely different in person my skin is covered in acne i have greasy hair and my bangs are too short i feel fat all the time i dress weird i get bullied at school i dont care how pretty i look to weird men that message me i hate everything and everyone around me and when im not suicidal im homicidal i am currently on mg of prozac and went to the psych ward a few weeks ago but am still extremely depressed im failing online school i know how to slit my wrists but im afraid how many mg of prozac will kill me ,post,male
depression,2020-04-06, m im ugly and depressed i suck at socializing having no friends let alone girlfriend i never had one i have very asymmetrical face structure and pretty long chin im working out even though i know it doesnt really help muscle means nothing in an ugly face ,post,male
depression,2020-04-06,divorce because of depression im f not sure how to word this ive had depression for a few years diagnosed about years ago i was on a few different kinds of meds and it kind of worked for the most part it did however mellow me out completely no bad lows but no great highs anymore either my husband m expressed his concern with my emotional flatness and zero sex drive and i got off the meds this was maybe months ago i also changed birth control methods and then got off those completely too about months ago in an effort to be myself again my depression has crept back up over the last couple of months and my sex drive is still zero ive been taking addyi for almost a month now with no results but i know it can take up to weeks so im hopeful anyway ive had good days and bad days lately on the bad days i emote less and just sit around basically nothing terrible just not ideal my husband just came to me with his concerns again that i am not pleasant enough around him and i need to fake it till i make it not his exact words but that was the sentiment i dont really know what to tell him i said its a process and im doing my best and he pointed out that when he met me years ago i was not like this hes right i wasnt depressed then he was very clear that he does not want me to force myself to have sex with him so thats not the issue the issue is i feel like hes ready to divorce me because im depressed and i literally do not know what to do i cant help this hes a control freak and hes trying to control my emotions i guess i just dont know if this will get better or what i can do other than getting back on an antidepressant any advice is welcome ,post,male
depression,2020-04-07, m never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin never a date im fat ugly short and poor no decent women sf like me nobody cares that i am miserable and no one wants to help me and no one cares about me can i get advice tl dr attractive women dont want to date me so i loathe and hate myself for it im miserable about how attractive women dont want me and im miserable that im broke and poor living with my father im never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin im fat ugly short and poor im frustrated and miserable and stressed nobody loves me my best friend is about to become a pharmacist and his girlfriend is unreal hot and my other close friend has just gotten in with a very big firm and its going to make a hundred grand a year and his girlfriend is ridiculous hot and im and im just now halfway towards my bachelors and im on academic probation so it feels like ive ruined my life already cuz im so far behind compared to everybody else hot girls dont date fat dudes who live with their dad i also work for my dad as a salesman because i dont want to push carts at a grocery store and attractive women dont date cart pushers where i grew up in colorado all the girls thought i was a loser and when i hung out with my friends my friends girlfriends think im a loser and it is because im ugly looking and fat i now live in massachusetts and im practically invisible to good looking women and i also dont have any friends here and ive lived here for years i only have friends because i keep tabs and visit my once in colorado m never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin never a date im fat ugly short and poor no decent women sf like me nobody cares that i am miserable and no one wants to help me and no one cares about me can i get advice ashley girl i cant get over got married and shes in love with him and it depresses me beyond comprehension that she loves him and she will never love me im absolutely fucking depressed i fucking hate him he ruined my life i asked girls online if hes better looking than me and they all said yes he was and theyd rather date him than me can anybody give me advice thats beneficial for me if you say if you really love her youd be happy for her or move on that has no benefits for me it only benefits her pos husband i dont get a bright side or a silver lining or happy ending just fucked over i told her my feelings she rejected me and she tried setting me up with a fat ugly girl after rejecting me f k my life i have the worst life possible alex my prom date who i had a crush on for years made out with another dude in front of me and ran off to f k him in his car and because she was from out of town she stayed over my place and the next morning after she invited him over so she can make out with him and in his car on my driveway amd people found out and i got humiliated all the way to graduation sara the girl i had feelings for in high school but who friendzoned me is getting married to a guy who is cheated on her with a teacher she started dating him when me and her were seniors and he was a freshman hes an absolute scumbag i truly hate him he was caught sexting a teacher caught on the news and has been caught texting other girls with intent to cheat multiple times and now the girl i want is marrying him and a teacher herself she would use me as the shoulder to cry on and then when she was done crying to me she would have me go away and then she would go back to him after im not saying it wasnt my own fault but to some degree i was used emotionally and now everybody is happy that theyre getting married its like im living in the twilight zone that people forget that he cheated on her with the teacher and got caught on the news then five years ago when my mom passed away everybody i knew gave me their condolences even people i didnt like but they still were decent enough to tell me their condolences except her she didnt even give me a my condolences at the minimum despite her feeding me lies saying how me and her were such close good friends she couldnt even text me my condolences or sorry for your loss not even to words in a text i go to therapy because of this experience i then messaged her saying how it hurt me that she didnt say anything i told her how i felt about her i told her that her boyfriend now fiance is a scumbag i told her shes dumb for staying with a scumbag like that and the last thing she ever told me was f k you loser sorry youre so mad at the world the week my mom died last thing i ever said to her was how is that possible im not a scumbag who cheats on you isnt that what you prefer to f k that was five years ago and we havent spoken since the wedding was in july all my life women ive liked rejected me or ignored me the only time women liked me they were morbidly obese and extremely unattractive but then i would be told to give them a chance thats your league anyways at least theyre nice girls being told to take an l with a smile isnt a great life especially if you compare her to the women who rejected me their husbands and boyfriends who i loathe see that im with a woman much less unattractive after being rejected by them gives them a whole lot of leverage over me and thats absolutely humiliating for me like haha my girl rejected you and youre stuck with an ugly woman sucks to suck loser that is humiliation defined and everybody wants me to embrace this happening and its not fair ill be happy when a woman hotter than the women who rejected me loves me until then all i ever got was fucked over no lube or spit and then people tell me be happy for the people i hate to just lie down and take it and thats fucking bullshit,post,male
depression,2020-04-09,the lockdown has reversed any progress i made and i feel at my worst once again i just want to go to sleep and not wake up having struggled for years with depression anxiety and addiction am m this months ive finally managed to get things somewhat on track i have an amazing girlfriend the nicest sweetest person you could possibly ask for i havent seen her in a month and its killing me my medication regimen seems to be somewhat effective elvanse bupropion naltrexone and the key winner agomelatine i restarted university on a new course i like i was doing much better clean for months anxiety a little reduced but nowhere near as depressed and stopped being suicidal now suddenly this all happens u k in lockdown im trapped at home with my family ive lost weight i feel like nauseous every minute lasts an hour my mood tracker went from consistent meh good to lowest of the low theres no consideration for people struggling with mental health through this it cant be fixed whilst im stuck here theres no use trying to exercise talk to family meditate distract myself or whatever i tried this stuff and it doesnt work or i have no motivation im truly miserable once again and im fed up to the point where i just dont see a reason to keep going i dont know what to do i just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over or just not wake up at all ,post,male
depression,2020-04-10,depression that removes all physical pleasure physically numb hey im a m and ive experienced some drastic changes in physical pleasure since winter it all started with me getting some relapses with my anxiety and ever since that my skin has completely refused to accept physical stimuli massages dont feel good anymore masturbation dont feel good anymore and if im itching myself not even that feels good anymore has anyone experienced anything like this physical numbness to anything thats supposed to feel good i also feel like i can yawn and be tired but i never wake up well rested and i can be tired for one second then im not tired anymore the other second ,post,male
depression,2020-04-10,finally spoke to my parents about my depression i m have been living with depression for the better part of a year now i was always afraid to tell my parents because they worry too much and i didnt want them neglecting their own health over mine however the circumstances over the past few days added with the covid outbreak and the subsequent quarantine has broken me like no other and i finally opened up to my parents about my feelings they told me to stop being a baby and to just snap out of it what do i do now i have never felt so lost in my life and this is coming from a person who hasnt had a proper social interaction in more than a year any help would be much appreciated thank you ,post,male
depression,2020-04-10,feeling inferior to sibling i f have always felt inferior to my brother m and its causing me to feel depressed when he is around growing up my brother and i didnt get along and he was so mean to me that now he is trying to mend his relations with me however i still feel uncomfortable around him and then with everything else im about to say its definitely hard for me to feel happy i have always been more introverted where he has always had tons of friends and was athletic and did well in school without having to try now he is running marathons in other countries has a great job and a serious girlfriend that my parents love when my parents never show that same love to my so he also has done a program through harvard and has been so successful while im struggling to find a job i know it sounds lame to feel so depressed and inferior but i just want to cry and isolate when he is around with my family i feel as if my parents dont see me as amazing as he is ,post,male
depression,2020-04-11,unable to get help because of nobody but myself im m and im currently home from college due to the whole corona thing ive been unhappy here and there for a really long time but ive been seriously depressed for about a year now it started as a simple thing and just kinda grew because i internalized everything and never got much off my chest the people who know that im depressed never had a clue because i never let too much of it show although ive been pushed over my limit a few times recently when my problems first started it was entirely a loneliness thing and i think at the time getting into a decent relationship might have helped but as i said its grown into a much more general problem ive swung up and down a lot but recently the lows have gotten lower and lower a few months ago something pushed me to cut myself and i did it quite a bit for about a month thankfully i managed to lift myself out of that and overall my mood was improving due to some various things looking up for me however corona totally stalled all of that by closing off college since then ive started to plummet again things got bad enough that i decided i should get some help and i opened up slightly to my mom about my issues this is where i struggle i can barely talk to people about this stuff even just saying im depressed without going into the details is hard for me she still doesnt know how awful its gotten over the last few months because im incapable of telling her even when the opportunities show themselves because of this shes reacted to me like i dont have any real problems its just hormones etc you guys know the drill she did agree to try and help me talk to a therapist but her idea was kinda skewed as to what that would look like she thinks the therapist would explain to me what real problems are id see how miniscule my own are and then wed all be happy go lucky and id get over my stuff of course thats bs but i dont have the strength to tell her that today she got really mad at me and basically nailed me with the stuff everyone fears hearing from a parent shes disappointed in me she said im weak and i need to toughen up so i can get over my little problems that apparently cant compare to what shes faced in her life i couldnt say anything while she was yelling at me and then she left there was so much stuff going through my head and it was too much and my brain went to what it saw as the only logical solution cutting myself so yeah ive been off cutting for like two months and i just did it again because i dont have the balls to open up about the reality of my condition im just a dogshit person who runs away from every problem in my life and internalizes everything negative ive been in that state of suicidal thinking where you really want to but youre too scared to do it for a while but im getting less and less scared of the idea as the days go on i just have no clue what the hell i can do in this situation sorry for the long rant but ive never talked about this stuff to anyone before so there was a lot to get off my chest ,post,male
depression,2020-04-11, m new guy from india here its literally my first reddit post not entirely sure how this works its been  months since i was diagnosed with depression also been told i have bpd also im suicidal even when im not depressed meds and psychotherapy have had not stopped me from trying to kill myself i dropped out of college and most of my friends have cut ties with me im trying to find help here cause i dont i have anything to lose ,post,male
depression,2020-04-12,i started to have episodes of depression or something im worried im m if it mattrrs so it started on september i had episoeds every three weeks or so and in those episodes i just dont care about anything and im sad for no reason and thinking i will not achieve anything and my lonliness is increased and i picture my future and it is just me numb and sad with no friends or people to talk to waking up going to a work i dont need to talk to anyone and go home and do nothing in those episodes i just kinda assume i will kill myself one day so i feel guilty about anything my parents invest do for me those episodes became more and more frequant to the point of once or twice a week the wierd thing is that when i go to sleep and i wake up like nothing happenned until the next episode and i try not to fall to an episode but i dont care to much i fear that one day i will go to sleep wake up and steel be sad im not gonna tell anyone about these episodes my question is is that a normal thing that happens to teenager or i should be worried sorry about misspelling and stuff,post,male
depression,2020-04-12,happy easter https www google com search q bunny amp client firefox b d amp sxsrf alekk n e njj f rciigmlpulmomhg   amp tbm isch amp source iu amp ictx amp fir r mtf dopvc m a cd spib xvpsgxm c fm f mf amp vet amp usg ai ksreifhlydvztr in vjrd evs pa amp sa x amp ved ahukewjbnv fmoloahwulhiehymcaeeq b wjxoecauqaw imgrc r mtf dopvc m https www google com search q bunny amp client firefox b d amp sxsrf alekk n e njj f rciigmlpulmomhg   amp tbm isch amp source iu amp ictx amp fir r mtf dopvc m a cd spib xvpsgxm c fm f mf amp vet amp usg ai ksreifhlydvztr in vjrd evs pa amp sa x amp ved ahukewjbnv fmoloahwulhiehymcaeeq b wjxoecauqaw imgrc r mtf dopvc m amp x b rob,post,male
depression,2020-04-12,help with conversations hey there everyone im a m and i was wondering if anyone would be able to help me with convos this has been a problem for me since i was it has severely affected my social and love life i find it difficult to make friends and ive never really found a girl that finds me interesting ive tried asking some of my friends to help but everything they tell me to text say makes me feel like im lying because im not smooth or that interesting i would like to thank anyone im advance for the help ,post,male
depression,2020-04-14,my girlfriend needs help hey everybody im m pretty much lost on how to help my girlfriend f for the past weeks or so shes been suffering from what i would say is moderate to severe depression this past week was especially tough she confided in me that shes been sexually abused periodically over the past decade by a family friend including one incident that happened the day before she told me all of this she made me swear not to tell anybody or do anything since i know the perpetrators name i have since held that promise now whats even trickier is my girlfriend hardly has any family to confide in even if she wanted to her mother left at a young age her father who raised her and she still lives with is a really great dad but they never connected emotionally and she refused to tell him after i pleaded her too her reasoning was that she didnt want to burden him and ruin the great life hes provided for her so im really in a pickle i love this girl to death yesterday was a better day on her good days she can do things but is slightly tired today is a bad day shell stay in bed all day on her bad days she also always texts me after i leave on her bad days and says i deserve better and that she doesnt wanna me to be hurt by her depression it terrifies me but i believe this is the depression talking ive been researching a lot about depression and what i should and shouldnt do ive looked up local mental health clinics as i believe she needs professional help but everything is closed with the covid she ll probably refuse anyways having told me before that depression medication never worked and neither did counselling reddit please educate me what should i do i told her id support her no matter what ,post,male
depression,2020-04-14,im losing patience with my mother my m mother f is divorced these four years and is still grieving the end of her marriage my mother is diagnosed with depression and she also has epilepsy in the wake of her divorce she leaned into her evangelical christian upbringing and began to pray nightly vigils in her closet for my father m to return to the family mind you all he is still in our lives and simply lives across town my father was physically and psychologically abusive to her but she begs god to bring him back every day she hangs her hopes in her prodigal husband returning on a spiritual experience she had whilst in prayer at a church service she claims to have heard the voice of god in her ears as clearly as i would speak to her saying youre praying the wrong prayer ex husbands name must return to me before he can return to you bear in mind that psychotic illness runs in her family as does suicide but she believes god spoke to her so she can never give up praying that my father will return ive told her that the quality of our lives has improved since he left and my relationship with him has improved as well dad has grown as a man and as unlikely as it should have been has made amends for his abuse to my brother and me he was criminally neglected and abused as a child and has come to terms with how it stunted his function as a model husband and father but he will not re marry my mother my brother and i are grown and he will not again place himself in a circumstance that would tempt his abusive tendencies ianad but i am certain that the voice of god that my mother heard was a grief induced hallucination and a maladaptive one at that it has impeded her acceptance of the end of her marriage she weeps on the sofa every day these past four years for dad to return and that they can build the ideal christian family that they never had in the first place ive nearly lost all my patience for her daily grieving she visits a faith based therapist monthly and refuses to see anyone else the therapist is a quack and employs an e meter https en wikipedia org wiki e meter wprov sfti in his sessions yes i do live with her to monitor her epilepsy any advice how to break this spell edit if im grieving anything im grieving my mothers lost four years ive met so many strong women from similar circumstances take voyages of self discovery after divorce they become stronger and more sure in their independent identities they even become feminists but my mother sinks lower and lower by the day pining her lost role as a submissive wife my dad has a girlfriend now and they live together and she has become spiteful hateful i just want to yell at her get over it its over ,post,male
depression,2020-04-15,feel hopeless more each day i m wish i was never born into this shitty existence of a life not one day has gone by where i can throughly say im happy with my life im in debt banking on a degree that might get me no where making dollars an hour i have no life outside of work all my friends are over the internet no one makes plans with me no one stops by to see me no one cares even if they did my life still sucks im just genuinely at the point where everyday becomes more a struggle i have to take medications to feel normal have anxiety disorder ptsd im constantly having mental breakdowns i hate where i live but i have no way out i cant afford to live somewhere on bucks an hour so im stuck here in hell i hate my life everyday and the idea that its gonna get better somehow as if all my lifes problems will be gone just isnt true as time as went on in the past decade its only gotten worse my moms on the brink of death with her drinking addiction my mental problems are through the roof i feel so helpless ive been getting mental help for almost a decade now and it just feels like my depression can never go away im so nervous that once i graduate college that job i want wont be there im going to college for my dream job ive always wanted to be a journalist or something to do with writing talking about sports whether it be a reporter news station just something with sports the only things keeping me going is i know im pursuing my dream and what i love to do but im so scared that once i do get my degree that job that ive always wanted wont be there and my degree in journalism and mass communications will be worthless i dont want to be a failure,post,male
depression,2020-04-15,why do i act out on social media i m have felt the urge to comment on things on social media to get a reaction out of someone in hopes their reaction releases whats clogged in my head im not commenting anything mean i just have the urge to comment on a lot of things like if someone posts something that may not make sense to me i feel like i have to comment a part of me thinks im doing it to prevent myself from going back into my depression maybe i dont know how to let things go maybe i have nothing going on in my life maybe im just looking for someone to care i really dont know and when i do comment i get anxious and get scared to open the app but the relief after a sharp reaction from someone eases my brain like i can physically feel it feels like something has been snapped which then releases a flood of fluid i also think im acting out of fear but fear of what lastly i did start therapy this week ,post,male
depression,2020-04-17,dealing with a depressed dad hi guys this is probably a rant but i dont know what else to do i am f and my dad m is depressed and emotionally unstable immature a couple years ago he revealed to us at home that he grew up in an abusive home his dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive possibly sexually abusive prior to telling us this he used to idolize his father in an almost obsessive way i am a girl but he named me after his father and gave me a male name as my middle name this childhood abuse makes sense because he has always been emotionally immature and irresponsible i am years old and i have never depended on my dad he is terrible with money and always in between jobs he also worked in many different countries when i was growing up and so we have never had such a close relationship my dad is a very traditional indian hindu he does not believe in going to a doctor for his depression but has attempted suicide multiple times instead he goes to gurus and yogis to help him and has an obsession with yoga i do not believe this helps him because he is still depressed and searching for meaning in life because of this he is obsessed with helping the poor this isnt a bad thing i know but he does it to the extent that he runs us into debt to give to others and steals things from our home to donate to others so he can feel good about himself while putting his own family through duress it has caused a huge rift in our family as my mother is the only person who provides for my siblings and i and he puts a financial strain on our lives with his desperate attempt to find purpose but i feel bad for him because i know he is a very sad person on the inside when my siblings and i started working he started asking us for money all the time so he could donate it or build yoga studios for his gurus i am not trying to offend anyone but i do believe some of these gurus are scam artists and some of these yoga groups are like cults i am not a religious person and i dont think any religion is beyond reproach i think he gets taken advantage of by these gurus who use him for his money his siblings also take advantage of him by constantly asking him for money many people take advantage of him for money and he gives it to them because he needs to feel fulfilled then he comes to us and takes our money because he has none as an aside after high school i was accepted to every college i applied to and one was my dream school to study aerospace engineering i was unable to go because my dad said he had no money a couple years later when one of my cousins wanted to study at her dream school he offered to sell some of his real estate to pay for her education as a donation so he could feel good about himself i have never forgiven him for this he goes out of his way to provide for others and does nothing for my siblings mom and i no one in my family can tell my dad anything about his terrible money habits because he gets depressed and threatens to kill himself so we just have to let him do him for all these years now that covid is happening were supposed to stay in our houses to avoid being sick my dad has recently had a surgery and is diabetic so he is at risk for covid my older sister is a covid doctor on the frontline treating patients and isolated at the hospital she has called and told my dad repeatedly to stay at home because things are bad he refuses to stay at home and goes out everyday to build his yoga studio and make donations he has taken my credit card and spent thousands on this studio and these donations in the past few weeks when i am currently out of a job due to covid and need to save my money as i am migrating to canada to start a new life soon this has been my breaking point so today i finally told him about his spending habits and the fact that none of his children feel like they can rely on him as a parent it was a bad fight and he has not been talking to me since and seems upset now i am worried he might do something to hurt himself or that i may have made him more depressed which wasnt my intention but i just lost it today after years of dealing with his behavior i have also dealt with an cocaine addicted cousin and i still feel like my fathers behavior has been more stressful to deal with i dont know what to do now so maybe someone can help me it is not my intention to cause pain to anyone but how do you balance this must i always let him take advantage of me because he is depressed i feel like his depression has ruined my life in many ways but i dont want him to kill himself over things i try to address in his behavior should i just let him do as he pleases and then maybe i can go to therapy to help deal with the stress he causes me rather than try to address it directly with him seeing as he is not emotionally mature enough to handle criticism someone please help me ,post,male
depression,2020-04-17,im depressed and i think my mother is the reason so to begin with since im m years old i have started to think about suicide in my life theory life is pointless so the only reason to live for me is to enjoy life since about years though i have had shorter but also longer periods of time where nothing was fun anymore thats when i started to think about taking my life this came to a peak about weeks ago since then until now absolutely nothing has given me joy anymore and that was kind of new for me because in past times when i was on a low i always found something to get my mood back up but with this situation i came to a realisation if nothing brings joy into my life nothing really matters nothing i do can change the situation so it doesnt matter anymore only one thing matters when will i end it and thats how the past few weeks looked like for me i just wake up at pm eat think about death and fall asleep again now yesterday i was thinking about it why now why the last few weeks and not earlier so i was starting to think about the situation and when it all really started what the cause of all this was then i had the conclusion to all of this my mom so to make things easier to understand you have to know some things about me and my mother i was always a person who had the desire of freedom independency and privacy this stood and still stands in direct conflict with how my mother treats me she always needs to know what im doing there is no privacy i have the feeling in order for her to feel that im safe she has to be in control of everything quick reminder im also she always things that her way of life is the best and she thinks she knows what the best way of life for others is now of course she would never admit this but she really lets it hang out most of the time those two characteristics lead to a deadly mixture when it comes to me i always feel supervisioned by my mother if i want to have privacy i need to go somewhere she isnt if i tell her what i have planned or what i might want to do and she thinks it doesnt suit me shell let me know but not in a way of giving me her opinion about it more like the more often she tells me maybe itll change me it begins with the coffee in the morning and ends with my choice of what i study since years every time i put a fucking sugar cube in my coffee shell let me know that she doesnt like that every morning morning like in groundhog day basically what that causes is that i slowly stopped caring about my moms opinion it dont care if shes right or wrong anymore it doesnt matter because when she tells me her opinion she doesnt try to help me she forces her opinion of the imaginary perfect way of life on me my dad sort of feels the same way and tries to support me he talked about how i should figure out my own life and shouldnt be pressured by my mom to life a life i dont want to at first i thought he was wrong about my mom but now i think what he said became reality now when puberty started for me i could never understand kids that would rage at their parents telling them their opinion rebel and so on i was always trying to be nice and chill but in order for that to work i could tell my mom anything in order to have no conflict and thereby neither my dad which worked out but that meant that i could not show my personality so when i got my first pc with years that was where my life was when i was at home i had a couple of really close friends where i could go to but when i was at home my pc was the only place i could be at feeling free rds of my time i didnt live the life i wanted i just said and did things to avoid conflict mainly with my mother  so to bring this into the context of why i feel depressed this is probably the first reason why i never really had any conflict with my mom the past years the trade of is that i feel kind of empty i dont really feel that i have a personality every part of my personality since i was y o was just a show to fit in another cause of my depression is that i started to let my mom know that i dont trust her and that i dont want to hear her opinion i know that i hurt her by reacting abherent which made me feel that i dont deserve her affection regardless of the stuff she still loves me in an article ive read that one reason of a depression can be that the person thinks he doesnt deserve affection and love this is where i started to think that im depressive with that said my only hope for things to change is that i move out but there are some problems with that problem n its not gonna happen in the next couple of weeks unless i move to my dad he offered me to move in and i think im going to do that the next week or so problem n my mom will still have this negative kind of influence on me because we would still have close contact i dont want my life to be negatively impacted by her on the other hand if i give her a cold shoulder it could possibly worsen my depressive feelings i cant just tell my mom the situation im in she would be in denial and tell me that im creating all those problems by myself my questions are should i move to my dads house should i tell her about it should i tell my dad about it is it helpful to get help through a psychotherapist ,post,male
depression,2020-04-17,what is the best way to help support boyfriend with persistent depressive disorder already posted on depression help hoping this reaches more people throwaway account it started years ago when my f boyfriend m mentioned to me that hes never actually happy he will laugh and have fun but hes never actually happy since then ive encouraged him to go to a doctor he decided to see one and was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and sleep deprivation however he never went back to get medication nor did he seek therapy or receive any kind of professional help it constantly affects our relationship and so i asked him to get therapy after much delay he decided to go and from an outsiders perspective it seems as though the therapy was slowly starting to help him manage his depression since the coronavirus pandemic sent us home from college hes been getting worse not showing up to online classes and missing assignments hes also been distant and i have no idea what hes thinking or doing i just want to make sure hes okay but dont know how to help since we cant see each other we recently got into an argument because his depression has made it hard for me because it feels like ive been carrying the relationship for a long time i have never had depression before so i have no idea what the experience is like all i can do is sympathize and try to understand as much as i can from an outside perspective and this isnt about me but his depression has deeply affected our relationship i wanted to break things off but immediately regretted saying that i think that really hurt him and he hasnt spoken to me in over a week but said he will reach out when hes thought about things more i dont know what to do i want to help him and our relationship i want to be there for him do i reach out when should i reach out would trying to talk to him when he isnt ready going to make things worse he says that he did see a future with me but now things are foggy im not quite sure if this is linked to depression maybe some of you guys can help elucidate this situation for me i want to ask those of you who know what its like to experience depression about what helps you the most i care so much about him and i just want to do whats best for him his mental health and our relationship ,post,male
depression,2020-04-18,zoom study room hi everyone my name is mike yo and i am one of those who find it extremely difficult and depressing to study alone at home during quarantine i tried to create a group for anyone who wants to work study with other people because i personally find it easier and more motivating i want to ask you to help me with studying and i will help you in return i bought a premium on zoom so that we can have study meetings non stop join and leave whenever you want not gonna charge anything for this at all never ever this zoom study room was created just a few days ago and it already had meetings with wonderful and positive people from around the world australia united kingdom kazakhstan india france italy united states and more right now there are more than participants which join meetings using video at convenient for them time so someone is always online and working in addition i know how hard this can be in times of complete lockdown i couldnt properly study for last weeks since the beginning of the quarantine during my university times i used to go to the library all the time and now this without seeing friends family loved ones for weeks i am an international student honestly speaking so far zoom helped me a bit at least when i seat and turn my video on i actually start working by seeing that other people are also working feel free to add me to your contacts using the link below and i will add you to our group as soon as i see link https us web zoom us im add code skfz gvwexphwhtygu zcet mkx vqzoov uxiwhu bqgaaafxjeqalwanjqawswlsa zpunhtedzmtvldtk x c uqqazaaafky bxzbz jmu p r y x gyekjdn eaaaaaaaaaaa hopefully it can help someone ,post,male
depression,2020-04-18,i m have had lifelong depression and isolation is destroying me im years old and have had a history of depression diagnosed at paired with extreme anxiety my depression has mainly manifested in two big waves the second of which im lost in currently when i was younger it was what i would call an impersonal depression it wasnt me depressed with my actions but was more or less cause by multiple family deaths within months the triggers for the first wave were far from invisible i was blind sided and it hurt me for a couple years fast forward to about a year ago it started to creep back during a job that i had where the boss was a slave drive and who actively yelled at an berated daily the constant day to day negativity was draining and i finally quit the job after months of it not that it was a super long time for a job there was a massive weight lifted but it already did its damage now over the last months my depression has slowly but surely kicked into turbo mode and the current global situation has far from helped ive been in a vicious cycle of self hate recently stemming mainly from my weight but formed entirely of how i see myself not only do i hate the weight i hate the look i hate the voice i hate the personality my therapist asked me what i do like about myself and i honestly could not answer her this then joins up with his asshole buddy loneliness and they make a great tag team of youre ugly and youll will always be alone i had finally really come to the conclusion of my depression and was about to try to meet new people or join new groups to learn new skills i was going to go to the gym again and now this well im not running around screaming like were all going to die but the idea of maybe being stuck like this for up to a year is terrifying at best my school year is over well technically it isnt but my mind shut down the instant in person classes were cancelled i cant go to any bar or join any university club to meet people and now i cant even work out to at least tackle one aspect that i dislike about me i play video games all day because i cant find anything else to do when i am not supposed to leave this is beating down on me as everything is repetitive and i just cant have a proper conversation to the same level as face to face every day is blurring into the next while i would imagine the fogginess of days to be pretty universal right now all the blurred days are painful and exhausting for me i guess what im trying to say is im horrendously alone with extreme depression and just need some support as well as maybe suggestions for things to do to cope with this whole situation tl dr im so blue i dont know what to do that blueberry bitch from veggie tales ,post,male
depression,2020-04-18,i make a minor mistake and instantly wish i didnt exist is this normal i m have always hated myself as far back as i could remember i remember going around in the first grade telling my class that im stupid i dont know why exactly i just do im not good enough and its hard for me to like anything about myself especially my looks but also my personality sucks but whenever i make a small mistake i feel like ive ruined the lives of everyone whos involved and i wish that i wasnt such a burden is this normal for clinical depression ,post,male
depression,2020-04-19,i feel like im in a shitty simulation and i might as well test how bad i can be m throw away account i dont dont want to make this too long or confusing because i dont want it to be looked over too quickly so here i go my life was like a movie from  but now every person ive ever known has stopped talking to me even the people i thought i had a lifelong bond with i feel like there is something off about me socially a year ago i texted my mom and told her that i was severely depressed and her response was that i might have aspergers that was the extent of our conversation i turned it into a joke but ive never been able to get it out of my head it makes sense growing up i moved every year of my life but i do remember many people telling me they didnt like me and they didnt know why i truly didnt ask for this life i know thats so cliche to say but i really didnt ask for it and its unfair that i didnt get the choice to choose what body and family i was born into i definitely wouldnt have chosen the guy with a high pitch voice and severe social anxiety and the serial monogamist mom with bipolar depression and a lack of drive to bond with her son i am going to do something very bad eventually and i dont know what it is i just know it deep down im very afraid and ashamed of the places my mind goes sometimes i know im capable of bad things and now that i know there is no god as he wouldnt have given me this life and expected me to be just as good as the tall guy raised into a happy family that everyone wants to be friends with there is no fear of eternal repercussions for what i will inevitably do whether the thing i do is to myself or to a whole lot of people i need help but i know if i stop pretending that im a cool guy with a successful life and admit theres something deeply wrong with me i will never live a truly fulfilling life my life will never be like a movie again because i will forever be the troubled guy tldr im capable of doing very bad things and i know i eventually will i dont know what to do ,post,male
depression,2020-04-19,i wrote this when i was to this subreddit didnt post it and found it just now suicidal year olds guide to getting a bit better i wrote this when i was a suicidal depressed teenager never posted it i am now a depressed adult hope it helps hey guys ive been browsing this subreddit for a decently long time now around a year and it has helped me so much i read about people just like me people that were struggling through the same daily endeavor of merely living it almost became a second home from me i would visit this subreddit in hopes of communicating with someone or forming another bond with someone struggling it was great and i loved every moment of it when people ranted i provided support when i was at a low people provided support for me a cycle of giving that never stopped i fell in love with the people here and the sub itself it made everything just that tiny bit easier skip this part if you would like to see just the help  a little bit of background on myself i am a student in high school that has moderate depression and more serious form of cyclothymia for those who dont know cyclothymia is a mental illness that causes one to have major mood swings that may strike at anytime i may suddenly feel euphoric and happy and everything feels great but it only lasts for a few hours or so after that i crash i fall into a terrible low and it is the opposite of the euphoria there is not a single thing in the world that seems good to me and all things wrong with my life just crash down and crush me ive been suffering from this for around a year now im not entirely sure what started it but it was most likely a combination of my natural low self esteem insecurity and how badly i take failure up until around a week ago this cycle continued until i completely broke down i ended up taking a backpack full of medicine up with me to this forest that is located nearby i was there for nearly an hour and ended up not doing anything i cried for around hours before i returned home that was the day i decided to change here are the things that i decided to change begin  r getmotivated r zenhabits r frisson are absolutely great to look at when youre feeling down organize definitive but not too ambitious goals i made a list of goals on my iphone definitive but not too ambitious goals things like get an a on my geometry test etc also make a list of the things you finished it gives you an incredibly satisfying feeling when you look at the list youre a phenomenon and should always believe that stop thinking of yourself as pathetic or useless or a horrible person because youre not you can actually do something and not be useless humans are fucking miracles and you have no idea to what extent youre no exception find a hobby talent or activity that you enjoy and do it go do something drawing writing a sport work out it helps so much you have no idea until you try it i began to try to work on my fencing and i started to go there very often working for something is a great feeling even if you cant do anything learn something it doesnt have to be complex or amazing just something you like or have an interest in take showers take showers it sounds really odd but it works a shower is a place to just calmly assess everything and all the things you need to do or want to do you get out of it feeling clean refreshed and prepared for whatever you want need to do sleep more you underestimate its power and importance greatly get more sleep this is a ridiculously important thing that many people overlook sleep is essential it affects your thinking performance and general mood i used to sleep at to every single day and wake up feeling like everything in the world had gone black if you take the time to prepare yourself and go to bed at everyday you will wake up feeling like youre not so scared this is especially essential for those in school sleeping in class is horrible because youll be behind in class and then have to lose sleep to catch up etc stay positive because itll improve others attitudes towards you and your own be positive as fuck whenever you can try to appear as confident as possible make people laugh this aura is infectious if people see you as someone to look up to or enjoy they will like you i am an introvert and people arent always enjoyable i disregard this and try to appear fun or likable even if i feel hollow inside if you have no friends then this is still important look in the mirror and think what a classy motherfucker this will begin to soak into you and make your attitude about everything a little better dont procrastinate dont procrastinate do your shit this always helped me http i imgur com qk b mq jpg dont think about it if youre doing it then keep doing it think of how good it feels when everything is done and youre worry free try r nofap this is also a bit odd but try r nofap its pretty interesting i suggest you go on it and read a little on the sidebar not nsfw its the ultimate challenge from you to your mind if you keep this alongside what youre doing youll develop a willpower thatll be hardpressed to bend  tl dr  try r nofap dont procrastinate stay positive because itll improve others attitudes towards you and your own sleep more you underestimate its power and importance greatly take showers organize definitive but not too ambitious goals youre a phenomenon and should always believe that find a hobby talent or activity that you enjoy and do it thanks for reading this long ass post these are the things that have helped me so far im feeling pretty great and better than ive done in a while i do realise that many of the advice is either repeated often or not applicable i urge you to try it and if it doesnt work what harm has come of it good luck guys and have a nice day ,post,male
depression,2020-04-19,i need advice my f husband m doesnt seem to understand me time and time again ive told him ive been dealing with depression and anxiety ive dropped hints talked about wanting to go to therapy and maybe find a medication that might help me get back in a better mindset and get my motivation back and yet i dont feel like he gets it i know he is a good person and he cares for me but at the same time he is the only person that makes me feel bad about my current state of mind i dont think hes intentionally trying to make me feel worse about myself but his little comments and lack of caring about how im feeling makes me feel worse ive just had such a lack of motivation lately with everything i havent been taking care of myself or our house lately ive been drinking more i know were quarantined but its been this way for a little while not eating the best and havent gotten the motivation to clean around the house i try to workout do things around the house but it feels like a minute later im exhausted my focus is all off i know that isnt right but i feel he just sees it as me being lazy instead of realizing that im struggling its hard for me to talk about how im feeling but i have broken down about it in the past during small arguments he has been in a depression before and i could always tell and i tried my best to comfort him during those times i guess what im getting at is that i wish he was as receptive to how im feeling as i always am to him am i wrong for expecting him to pick up on the fact that i am struggling like i said i even notice a difference in my own behavior and its so hard to break through that i just wish he would notice too and help me through it am i wrong for expecting that of him tl dr i dont think my husband understands how im feeling i need to know if my thinking on the situation is right could use advice on how to handle this ,post,male
depression,2020-04-20,i feel lost about my gf struggling with depression and drug related trauma not sure if this sub is meant for advice about friends struggling with depression and stuff but here i go m my gf also has depression running in her family and probably has depression too last summer she smoked way too much weed and maybe drank a little alcohol too causing her to go bad i dont know what exactly went down she didnt want to open up that much and i tried to respect that the problem is she cant think back to the early times in our relationship at all because she doesnt like thinking about those times she says its all about her incident and that she does not like to remember it i have smoked a lot but never did something happen like this now i am desperately trying to do the right thing but i dont even know who i am at the moment and i just find it really hard to imagine how shes feeling i have never had this kind of experience and i feel like im losing her i am desperately unmistakenly in love with this girl still while it feels like shes pushing me away i dont know what to do im feeling really lost these past couples of weeks and one of the things i go to to try and remember who i am is to think about the past weve been together for almost a year now which feels like ages when youre i guess im gonna have to figure myself out on my own but in the meantime i would love to hear from some people who went through kind of the same stuff as my gf and are willing to talk about it it all happened a long time ago but the effects never went away it would really help to hear from some people what helped them and maybe i could do the same ,post,male
depression,2020-04-20,depression turned me into a worthless human iam m think i got depression somewhat under control in the last years i went from a self harming have some big scars suicidal years long neet to finishing college and having an ok job i take better care of my health too and look better amp x b still feel alone and sad no family no friends no girlfriend i feel like all those years living in isolation broke me i guess i cant connect with people anymore i dont know cant get a friend cant get dates i have had so many flakes that i dont even feel like trying to talk to women with any romantic sexual intentions anymore i feel like a child desperate to be accepted by someone not having any family doesnt help either today i woke up feeling really down has all this fighting been worth it i have to numb my feelings of loneliness everyday to keep going forget it all and do my job cook my meals workout study try to get more money but when i lay down in bed at night i still make no difference in anyones life some nights i feel so sad i have lie to myself tomorrow it will be better i have been lying to myself for these past years but deep down i wonder if i will be a worthless human being forever ,post,male
depression,2020-04-20,depression anxiety hello everyone my name is dev im a m im back with another post so ive noticed just recently that ive been irritated and aggravated all day when im not at work i just hate being home my only escape is work on the weekdays which is only right now cause of covid my phone and animal crossing i have dogs and cat and kittens my girlfriend came with the two dogs then decided to bring in a cat that was pregnant and i dont get any piece and quiet im hardly getting any sleep my anxiety is off the walls and ive been keeping up on my meds scheduled time everyday my girlfriend sleeps all day and night she gives the kittens their bowl of food and keeps the house tidy for when i get home shes also unemployed right now though and im the only income she gets upset when i get lunch and i keep it under  literally thank you costco hotdog she went out and got a switch and a bag and some other stuff knowing we have one income im just irritated all day if anyone knows what to do to take these feelings away or what i can do please lmk,post,male
depression,2023-07-28,hi i dont know how this subreddit works but here i am m a nerd a software engineer a cricket coffee and trekking fan a social introvert the guy youd casually ignore or just keep in your contact list as a good to have tried to summarise it as much as i could checkpoint when i was i was basically abandoned by all or any friends i had to this day i have no idea i just show up to school one day and no ones talking to me it was perhaps one of the worst years of my life i would show up to school everyday and just cry my eyes out and literally no one bothered to ask no one checkpoint i had my first girlfriend at we both dated for an year before she left me for her best friend at the time they both dated for years after that checkpoint i had this small group guys including me and girls of friends in my last year of undergrad college i felt really comfortable in that group for months they hadnt told me that the other guy supposedly my closest friend in college and one of the girls sort of dated but split and hence even the group split silently but they never told me and kept pretending slowly the group calls messages meetings died and i was always under the assumption that it was the study pressure until one day they told me i was back to being again i felt abandoned all over again the group was dead but i was only finding out months later this happened right when college was ending it was awful considering i felt ill lose my friends anyway to adulting and as an engineer ill be doing a remote desk job for the longest time before i become a manager or something being an introvert checkpoint shortly after checkpoint i dated the other girl of that group for months she left me for reasons which are still ambiguous to me stuff like her expectations from the relationship were different she was looking for something else she is an introvert too this is when we clearly talked about our expectations before starting the relationship the last one broke me tore me apart i believe after checkpoint i started blocking my feelings just simply suppressing stuff i became very solid people would just say that ive become mature but i know i cannot even let out a scream if i wanted to to blow off some anger i became very numb you could come up to me slap me in the face and i still wouldnt mind as much after the last one all of it hit me all at once and ive been a mess ever since i have survived but its more or less the suppression technique i was entirely lonely the next year i would go days without talking to anyone i dont have a talkative relationship with my parents no calls texts nothing this was when i needed someone so i ultimately decided to start therapy which has helped me resolve some other childhood and self image issues but its a slow process im barely a moment of inspiration away from ending it i decided to shift to melbourne for my masters to try and start a new life its the same here i still dont know how to make friends i feel lonely in a new city and i just feel tired of this charade ,post,male
depression,2023-07-28,im not sure if this is the best community for this so please redirect me if it would be better somewhere else my brother m was hit on his motorcycle by an rv and has a comminuted tibial plateau fracture and open fibula fracture he just had his nd surgery to fixate with plates etc and they couldnt get a catheter and he had to be transferred to another hospital with a urologist there had to use a wire and a camera etc etc anyways he has been in a lot of pain hes very depressed and hopeless since then hes had bad depressive episodes nearly suicidal in the past even when things were going well so im very concerned now nearly everything he loves that keeps him sane has been taken away we moved to a small town and hes always felt isolated and unloved even though all my friends love him and support him even now but he cant do things hes loves he cant mountain bike he cant play the drums he cant drink he doesnt have an outlet any more ive been his caretaker were best friends and im happy to be there for him we can make each other laugh more than anyone else and its been hard to see him so dejected he cant cook cant do laundry cant get up by himself im just concerned about his mental health going through this i dont know what to say or how to help im worried about leaving his oxy with him at night honestly he doesnt even want to take opiates but after his second surgery hes been so depressed im worried about od if anyones gone through something similar what was helpful any specific activities that helped keep you busy really any advice is appreciated hes going to be nonweight breathing for at least months probably months before he can walk on his own and i can only imagine what a hill that is to climb im just feeling lost like i cant do anything to help i just want to be supportive and make things as good as i can let him have as much independence as possible if nothing else thanks for listening to my rant ,post,male
depression,2023-07-28,i m have been struggling my entire life just to keep my life in balance still coming from a struggling family life has been absolute shit i dont even remember the last time ive actually ever felt happy or alive every single day is a struggle for me and my family my mom is struggling to keep her job because she cant use her car due to other complications that happened recently my dad doesnt really help much doesnt even check in on us and see what we need help with my older brother is the only one who is helping us and hes struggling to barely keep up with the expenses ive been trying to get a job for over a month now and ive been trying to get my id for such a long time now and i havent been able to get it since we have no form of transportation and i dont have all of the papers i need to get my id taken out i just feel so hopeless about my future because weve been stuck in this same spot for our entire lives and everytime we try to bring ourselves back up something happens and we just go back to being at the same spot that we were in hell probably an even worse spot than before i just dont know what to do anymore i dont know how to get out of this spot i dont know if l will ever be able to study what i want to study in college and i fear that i will stay in this same spot for the rest of my life my mental health is slowly deteriorating and i feel more and more hopeless about my future i know i shouldnt be talking about my and my family problems but i just dont know what to do or who to talk to anymore i just want to feel happy and alive again i dont wanna keep suffering anymore ,post,male
depression,2023-07-27,im a m that has gone through hell in his twenties my depression and anxiety started in college and looking back it was manageable instead i decided to take antidepressants which started my psych med journey up until where it is now ive taken a laundry list of medications in the past years and am on five meds right now the combination of these medications isnt working at all and i actually want to withdraw off of all of them at this point my job situation is hopeless out of college i decided to accept an offer from a job that was not the right fit for me by any means my judgement was completely off and i regret making that decision to this day i somehow ended up working there for four years part of the reason being that my manager knew i had mental health issues so he didnt lay me off i tried to switch jobs the whole time i was there but i was too depressed finally in the fourth year i resorted to using a stimulant to help me work on my resume i thought it was worth it since i believed the job was a big reason for my depression turns out abusing the stimulant made my mental health way worse i ended up going to a psych ward and rehab last year i had to move back home and am now living with my parents i decided to quit my job after the psych ward and ended up being unemployed for a year and a half my parents were on me to find a job and they pressured me into returning back to the same company so here i am on five medications working at the same company that gave me hell for four years i barely function at my job and i work with customers even though i have severe social anxiety i actually hope i get laid off my goal is to get a new job and move to new york but theres two problems with that i dont even want to get a job in my current field working with customers sucks when you have social anxiety i can barely take care of myself wont be able to live independently was actually living in ny before for months but had to move back home because of my mental health issues ive tried to manage my depression and anxiety but its at its worst now along with medication ive been in therapy for years im bedridden right now and helpless im also braindead and have no personality its at a point where when people talk to me i can barely give a response back i need serious help i have basically lost hope i seriously dont see a way to get out of my situation and thats why everyday i struggle with thoughts of unaliving myself tldr ive had mental health issues for six years now and in the last year ive gone to a psych ward and rehab because of drug abuse i quit my job but am now back at the same job because i need income its either quit again and stay at home living with parents or continue to work there even though it causes me severe stress and anxiety i want to find a new job in a different field but im at such a low point mentally that i can barely take a shower im hopeless to say the least wanted to vent since ive never explained my whole situation to anyone besides close fami,post,male
depression,2023-07-27,hello im a m i was diagnosed with depression when i was and ever since then my life has been a constant shit show many things have happened from that day until now that have made me wonder if i even want to continue on living the only thing holding me back is my family is actually great and although we do our own thing most of the time i am incredibly grateful for them anyways all i do now is chronically smoke weed my lungs are absolutely fucked and i should take a tolerance break and let it heal a bit but i need to smoke i can only hit bongs before dab pens or even digit number edibles dont get me as high as i want as bongs do i also am not in the best of shape and im unbelievably self conscious and i know i should work out but i just dont i do have a few friends but they mainly make me feel like shit about myself and my life i have a job as a line cook but my co workers treat me as a joke because ultimately i am i wish in youth i was smarter about my actions and paved my life in a better direction ive tried many different types of therapy snd medication but alas im at square one again people love to say youre so young and you have so much more life to live but for what the same shit ive been feeling the same way for almost close to years and i dont imagine it goes away in adulthood i bet it gets worse i have no future no talent no aspirations and no motivation to live ,post,male
depression,2023-07-27,hi im m and have been disconnected discontent with my life since years ago i have been self sabotaging ever since and have not made a proper relationship with anyone for a while now started with a very toxic ex of mine that made me feel obliged to stay in our relationship she made me feel like i was to blame to our early relationship due to the fact that i hade to focus on college more than her years went by and we broke up for good it felt good yet completely different at the same time it felt like i was relapsing the thought of having her around me i have been on different relationships after our break up and none of them felt like hers i had a completely different outlook and approach towards life that i would be unbothered by anything i kept to myself with my emotions and this resulted to me being closed off from my friends family and lovers i have lost so many amazing connections because i kept pushing them away when i feel the slightest inch of depression i always felt like keeping them away from me would do them better technically it would but what about me recently i was able to connect with an amazing woman she was beautiful smart and we had similar tastes in hobbies you guessed it i just pushed her away again i had a feeling of discontent and the fear of i would eventually just hurt her so i did cut her from my life she was fragile and i dropped her like glass i no longer consider myself as a human being all i do most days now is do things alone im completely okay with it but the thought of doing it together with someone will always linger in the back of my mind so yeah my contradicting thoughts have become the death of me ,post,male
depression,2023-07-27, m first of all i would like to make clear im not here to seek compassion sympathy im just trying to fully explain my situation hoping to find voices of people that recognize my symptoms side effects and could hopefully point me in the right direction im also crossposting on a few communities because that way i hope to reach the right people somewhere my situation ive been depressed for over years ive had cognitive behavioral therapy for over non consecutive years the anti depressants ive tried been on are citalopram mirtazapine escitalopram venlafaxine duloxetine fluoxetine quetiapine and im currently on nortriptyline while some have been more effective than others ive never fully been able to recover from my depression thats also partly why my current psychiatrist has let me have ect electroconvulsive therapy after the first unilateral treatments were unsuccessful we switched to bilateral treatments which i currently have received of bringing the total up to treatments luckily i started to notice some positive effects of the bilateral treatments after the first few which is why we kept going my depression started to relieve somewhat bringing my suicidal tendencies down and making me more approachable and somewhat happier this really helped me gain the confidence we were moving in the right direction and hopefully nearing the end of the treatments unfortunately as i received more and more treatments i noticed that although my depression was getting lighter my ptsd was getting worse and worse i started having full on panic attacks and anxiety attacks one particular thing i started to notice in my day to day life which is making me write this post is that im having way too many what i can only describe as d j vus per day to clarify ive had casual d j vus in the past just as anyone else what im experiencing now however is totally different every single day every single thing im going trough experiencing is making my brain having me think ive already experienced this so what im saying is that every conversation i have and everything i see hear is making my brain yell at myself that ive already seen heard it and its making my inner thoughts conclude im sort of reliving my own life let me be clear i know that what im saying that im reliving my own life cannot be true and is impossible im just saying my brain is constantly ringing a bell saying im having a d j vu ive obviously already asked both my psychologist and psychiatrist for help neither of them recognize this as being a side effect of my medicines or the ect treatments im receiving nor do they know what the cause could be thanks in advance for having taken the time to read my story im hoping to find people on here that recognize what im going through and or could point me in the right direction find the cause and hopefully a solution ,post,male
depression,2023-07-27, m my parents got a divorce when i was about years old and ever since that everythings been going downhill i want to die all the sudden and my dog died my cats revenge is gonna die soon my grandparents have cansir everybody just doesnt like me at this point i just dont want to be alive and i know i might get a lot of backlash for being this young and posting on here whenever i try to talk to my friends about me being depressed they would tell me to man up i just dont know what to do anymore ,post,male
depression,2023-07-27, m i just quickly wrote this so i have not been diagnosed with depression but over the last few years i have began to wonder if i am depressed or am becoming depressed for like the last two three years i have lost a significant amount of interest in things that i would normally get enjoyment out of it could be anything from watching a youtube video or podcast playing video games to passionate hobbies of mine such as road cycling everything just is kind of bland now and im left to be more bored recently i have taken a break from road cycling something i actively work to improve on and i feel terrible about the fact that i just dont feel like doing it right now or for a while im like tired of it id rather just do some easy activities in my day to day life i feel like something is wrong with me now because i just did not used to feel this way i used to be more energetic and ambitious and now im less positive about myself and more lazy should i be concerned about this am i depressed ,post,male
depression,2023-07-27,im m i work a full time job earning about  an hour idk i didnt check i didnt get any grades from school or college as my school wasnt equipped to help around my motor and learning disabilitys im currently stuck in a factory job doing a repetitive task  times a day and i hate it but i have nowhere else to go im also in  debt with different companies as i took credit cards out at the only thing keeping me sane is my friends but i only see them when they come out to do drugs i have dreams and goals but i cant even take step towards them without taking steps backwards im stuck in this horrible cycle that i cant escape without completely restarting im not suicidal in anyway but i feel im going to make a stupid unreversable decision that will miss up my life for good ,post,male
depression,2023-07-26,cw tw self harm substance abuse i dont really know where to begin i f have been in a really dark place for half a week now a little backstory ive suffered with depression for most of my life was misdiagnosed with bipolar as a teen diagnosed with bpd in my mid s and believe ive got some undiagnosed neurodiversity i grew up in a house were feelings were never talked about sadness was ignored or belittled and ive always felt incredibly lonely over the weekend i accidentally discovered my partner m has a porn addiction weve been together for getting close to a decade now the closest ive ever gotten to finding out he has a pa was around our year anniversary i learnt that he was sexting role playing with someone on instagram to me that was a huge betrayal of trust and we almost broke up he convinced me that he would change we went to couples therapy together and i thought that we had moved past it all anyway it turns out that while he was no longer an active participant in his addiction he has still been on porn sites every single damn day he seems to think that he has never outright lied to me about the porn stuff but we have been dealing with him having erectile dysfunction for a couple of years now and he never once thought to make the connection or talk to me about it and at one point to try and help our sex life i had suggested that he read me something dirty that turns him on as i knew he enjoyed reading porn and he enjoys reading his favourite novels to me but he completely dismissed it and made it seem like he no longer read any porn ive become an absolute wreck i thought i knew everything about him i thought we were close enough that he could of come to me about anything and i wouldve been able to be there for him with very little judgement and im still somewhat understanding im empathetic to what hes probably going through right now after hes been caught out and the breakdown of our relationship but he has hit so many triggering things for me at first it was just the hurt and betrayal of trust and rejection sensitivity feeling like im not enough like im not good enough and thats then triggered a major depressive episode for me ive only been able to sleep once i get so drunk and stoned i can barely function ive self harmed again and hes given me space like ive asked for but in the middle of a depressive episode it has then triggered all my old abandonment issues there was a point were i honestly felt like i was again in the middle of a breakdown and just needing some form of comfort and hearing people in the other room who know how distressed i am and they just ignore it ive completely regressed from all the healthy techniques ive developed over the years and am back to all my shitty ones every time he talks to me its to tell me hes booked a doctors appointment or hes deleted all the browser history or spoken to a friend or found support groups online or unfollowed people on instagram he hasnt once asked how im feeling how my mental health is handling everything he has not checked in on me but seems to expect my support to him i feel so fucking lonely i be never known how to sit in these awful feelings ive reached out to one friend and it was helpful to have someone validate my hurt and my feelings but the day to day isolation is a lot its just him my cat and myself in our house all my friends and family live a fair drive away and i dont drive and even if they didnt i dont know how to really reach out for help or how to lean on anyone ive only had two shifts of work so ive felt really stuck in this house i keep wanting to go out for a walk or something but instead i cant move im just smoking and drinking and watching gilmore girls which was a huge comfort show for me growing up i dont really know why im posting here i think i just need to get stuff out of my head ,post,male
depression,2023-07-26, m ive been struggling a lot lately i feel like im slowly losing my desire for any and everything even my hobbies a lot of it is from money issues i started a company late last year but im barely scraping by i feel like im right back where i was months ago when i sought out a therapist for the first time i was angry moody and so apathetic to life that i didnt care if i was alive or not not wanting to unalive myself just extremely indifferent i thought id made a lot of progress i had to stop going because i couldnt afford it w no insurance at the time but here we are again ive given up on online dating its never gone well for me and social media in general nobody puts any genuine effort into getting to know people anymore im tired of trying to make connections with people to relate to them try and form friendships i just dont care anymore i decided last week to take a break from social media and to only focus on my business and getting financially stable but its not working exactly how id hoped i feel more alone now than ever and realize how addicted i am to the social media dopamine fix but i cant take how invisible i feel trying to be seen by people that dont care or at least realizing how just another stranger on the internet i am ive never had luck with relationships months ago i was at a point that id been single so long that just the thought of meeting someone or even attempting to date gave me anxiety as i was sitting here at my pc listening to music it hit me that just the mere thought of a relationship sent me spiraling downwards i have no hope that it will ever happen to me im trying to learn to be ok alone but im so tired of that im really really tired of being surrounded by a loving family but feeling so hopelessly alone end rant ,post,male
depression,2023-07-26,i dont have strong opinions on anything i just never have honestly that feels relatively normal to me i dont care about things that dont matter i dont have a favorite color or anything like that my issue is coming about with not being able to feel love i dont feel like i love my family i dont feel like i love my girlfriend is this a problem do i need to do something about it for background im m on antidepressants and seeing a therapist when i can all replies are appreciated,post,male
depression,2023-07-26,i m am trying to cry but i just cant it almost feels frustrating and claustrophobic at times its almost been three months but there has been no success so far only if there were a place where men could cry ,post,male
depression,2023-07-25,hi first at all my main language isnt english so im really sorry if i make some mistakes on my writing x b the reason of why im writing this post is because suddenly me m an extrovert person doesnt really feel like talking to anyone anymore just want to push away my friends i dont really care anymore of course i aprecciate them so thats why im so curious about whats going on i just want to study and earn tons of money maybe with that i could be fine x b i really dont know what im doing posting this maybe some why to express myself this isnt really something that i could tell to anyone closer x b thanks for the space ,post,male
depression,2023-07-25,hello all i m and my girlfriend f have been together for months and they have been the most magical months of my life i deal with severe anxiety health anxiety panic disorder and ptsd and my gf has been very very helpful and supportive through my tough times and i love her dearly she has been the best thing to ever happen to me in my life and i love her to death and want to start a family with her unfortunately one day early last week i woke up and i felt as if all my love and feelings had disappeared out of the blue nothing happened between us and i am struggling with this ideology my brain has come up with its like when i look at her i dont feel the love or butterflies i did two weeks ago now for reference it feels this way with almost everyone in my life at the moment including my mom my dad my love for cars video games you name it but this issue with my girlfriend has caused me to breakdown crying everyday because i dont want to lose her like my mind is telling me to i have been on lexapro for months now and at the same time i started omprezalone for gerd last monday a day or two before these thoughts started my med lady switched me to protonix stomach meds and kept the lexapro the same she also had me taking almost mg of magnesium every day and iu of vitamin d my question is has anyone experienced this before and how did you overcome this my therapist believes it is depression getting the better of me and that the new stomach meds i am on are causing a bad reaction please give me hope i want to marry this girl ,post,male
depression,2023-07-25,hey yall been depressed since i was  m now been on antidepressants for awhile now my partner best friend and former lover is not speaking to me anymore weve been living together for the past years one of which in isolation for a project and things were never perfect but also never this bad our relationship history is long and complicated but now i feel like ending it all i wont because ive done the work to stop my suicidal ideation but i really cant live like this i can hear her laugh on the phone in the other room i havent eaten in over a day i promised her that id keep our shit secret so i cant tell anyone about what im going through most people think were fine or just friends but the reality is that im stuck on her so hard that i dont know my own identity anymore not to mention that i rely on her for the majority of my work i dont know what to do i tried talking to her shes not allowing me to express myself i know she doesnt have to and she has to take care of herself but i just hate living in my body right now does anyone have any ideas on how to help or can anyone just let me know im not alone this is my first time posting here ,post,male
depression,2023-07-25,i am m i used to be a chain smoker and i decided to quit smoking last month on the th and its been almost a month now and these last weeks i have been facing and suffering from anxiety irritability low mood hopelessness etc if anyone has gone through this due to nicotine withdrawal please share your experience and give me some hope i really need someone to listen to me and provide assistance please have someone reply ,post,male
depression,2023-07-24,im m i am studying in college but never had a job everyone my age is working plus jobs for like years nowm im so behind whats the point in getting a minimum wage job i domt feel like an adult coz i have high functioning autism i have missed out on so many things in life and i dont know if it is viable to try and achiev those things and cause myself mental anguish idk what to do should i work part time whilst studying in university ,post,male
depression,2023-07-24,i m have been running a knife across my body everyday for the past two months honestly i dont know if its bad or not it odly feels good again i know how this sounds but bear with me i went through some stuff recently lost my apartment my job all my savings and moved back in with my mom on my birthday i was pretty lost but recently ive been motivated to do all sorts of stuff ive been hanging at the library or studying all types of stuff like math and science i want to be a scientist and i study chemistry in school ive been loving my motivation but it requires me to isolate i havent been worried about money i have a job but i have bills and not much left over to do anything outside of being inside but all i want to do is read sometimes im in my head too much and it gives me anxiety i dont like medication but i found someting that gets rid of the flashes of memory that just comes at me i run a dull steak knife across my chest and legs they leave marks but fade sometimes the ones on my chest leave a small mark but not enough to cut me it feels odly satisfying and it gives me a rush of energy and then i go about my business like nothing ever happened i am worried about having scars and i feel guilty when i do it cause i have never told a soul let alone my mom i dont like the thought of medication and i like the pain it sounds gross and perverted but its true i honestly wish i was making this up but its been helping me get though the day at one point i was doing it every thirty minutes to keep myself productive but now i just do it when i need a jolt of energy i work out i eat healthy my muscles have never been bigger just benched lbs dumbbells for the other day and curled lbs in each hand the isolation gets to me sometimes but i would rather work on myself and my projects so i dont really care nor do i feel like im really missing out on anything sure i feel like i spent my summer indoors but i feel like im doing good on myself im just doing this cause i like it at least thats what i think im not really sure if im depressed or not im pretty anxious to post this but i would like an outside perspective and im happy to answer any questions,post,male