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Title: Diary of a Madman

Author: Lu Xun

Release date: May 11, 2008 [eBook #25423]

Language: Chinese

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/25423

Credits: Produced by Zhan-Ru Jiang

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK Diary of a Madman ***

Produced by Zhan-Ru Jiang

One

　　Tonight the moonlight is very fine.

　　I have not seen it for over thirty years; today I saw it, and my spirits are unusually refreshed. Only now do I realize that the past thirty-odd years have all been a daze; yet I must be extremely careful. Otherwise, why would the Zhao family's dog look at me twice?

　　I have reason to be afraid.

Two

　　Tonight there is no moonlight at all; I know something is wrong. This morning I went out cautiously, and Old Zhao's glance was strange: he seemed afraid of me, and yet seemed to want to harm me. There were also seven or eight others, whispering about me, and with open mouths they gave me a smile; I felt a chill run from my head to the soles of my feet, knowing that their arrangements were all in place.

　　But I am not afraid; I simply continue on my way. Ahead, a group of children were also discussing me; their glances were just like Old Zhao's, and their faces were ashen. I wondered what grudge I bore against these children, that they should be like this. Unable to contain myself, I shouted, "Tell me!" And they ran away.

　　I thought: what grudge do I bear against Old Zhao, and what grudge against the people on the road? Only twenty years ago, I kicked Mr. Gujiu's old ledger, and Mr. Gujiu was very displeased. Though Old Zhao does not know him, he must have heard word of it and taken up the cause out of indignation; they agreed with the people on the road to make an enemy of me. But what of the children? At that time they had not yet been born, so why today do they also stare with strange eyes, seeming afraid of me and seeming to want to harm me? This truly frightens me, makes me puzzled, and grieves me.

　　I understand now. It is their parents who taught them this!

Three

　　At night I can never fall asleep. Only by studying everything carefully can one come to understand it.

　　Some of them had been put in the cangue by the county magistrate, some had been slapped in the face by the gentry, some had had their wives taken by yamen runners, and some had had their parents driven to death by creditors; yet the looks on their faces then were not nearly as frightening as yesterday's, nor as fierce.

　　The strangest thing was that woman on the street yesterday, beating her son and saying, "You little wretch! I'll take a few bites out of you to vent my anger!" But her eyes were fixed on me. I gave a start and could not hide it; then that green-faced, long-toothed crew all burst out laughing. Old Fifth Chen rushed forward and dragged me home by force.

　　When he dragged me home, everyone in the house pretended not to know me; their faces were exactly like everyone else's. Once I entered the study, the door was bolted from the outside, as if I were a chicken or a duck shut in a coop. This matter makes me even less able to guess what is going on.

　　A few days ago, the tenant farmer from Wolf Cub Village came to report a famine, telling my elder brother that a great villain in their village had been beaten to death by the people; several of them then dug out his heart and liver, fried them in oil, and ate them to strengthen their courage. I put in a word, and the tenant farmer and my elder brother both shot me several glances. Only today did I realize that their looks were exactly the same as that crew outside.

　　Thinking of it, I feel a chill from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.

　　If they can eat people, there is no reason they would not eat me.

　　You see, that woman's words about "biting you a few times," the laughter of that green-faced, long-toothed crew, and the tenant farmer's words the day before yesterday — these are clearly code. I can see that her words are all poison, and their laughter is all knives. Their teeth are all lined up, gleaming white — these are the ones who eat people.

　　As for myself, though I am not a villain, ever since I trampled on the Gu family's ledger, it's hard to say. They seem to have other intentions that I cannot guess at all. Moreover, the moment they turn hostile, they call a person a villain. I still remember my elder brother teaching me to write essays — no matter how good a person was, if you criticized him in a few lines, he would mark a few circles of approval; if you excused a scoundrel in a few lines, he would say, "A master of turning things upside down, truly out of the ordinary." How could I ever guess what their intentions really are — especially when it comes time to eat?

　　Everything must be studied before it can be understood. In ancient times people often ate people, I remember that too, but not very clearly. I opened the history books to check — this history has no dates, and on every page, written crookedly, are the words "benevolence, righteousness, and morality." I could not sleep anyway, so I read carefully through the night, and only then did I see the words between the lines — the whole book was written with two words: "eat people"!

　　The books contain so many words, and the tenant farmer said so many things, yet they all stared at me with strange eyes, smiling all the while.

　　I am a human being too — they want to eat me!

Four

　　In the morning, I sat quietly for a while. Old Fifth Chen brought in the meal — a bowl of vegetables and a bowl of steamed fish; the fish's eyes, white and hard, its mouth open, were just like that gang of people who wanted to eat people. After a few bites, slippery and smooth, I could not tell whether it was fish or man, so I vomited it all out, guts and all.

　　I said, "Old Fifth, tell my elder brother that I feel suffocated and would like to take a walk in the garden." Old Fifth made no reply and left; after a while, though, he came back and opened the door.

　　I did not move either, studying how they would arrange me; I knew they would certainly not let me go. Sure enough! My elder brother brought in an old man, walking slowly; his eyes were full of a fierce light, and afraid I would see it, he only kept his head bowed toward the ground, secretly watching me from the side of his glasses. My elder brother said, "You seem quite well today." I said, "Yes." My elder brother said, "Today I have invited Dr. He to come and take your pulse." I said, "Fine!" As if I did not know that this old man was an executioner in disguise! He merely used the pretext of feeling the pulse to gauge how fat or thin I was: for this service, he too would get a piece of meat to eat. I was not afraid either; though I do not eat people, my courage is stouter than theirs. I stretched out both fists to see how he would set about it. The old man sat down, closed his eyes, felt for a good while, and stared blankly for a good while; then he opened his ghostly eyes and said, "Do not let your mind wander. Rest quietly for a few days, and you will be well."

　　"Don't let your mind wander, rest quietly! Once I'm fattened up, they'll naturally be able to eat more of me; what good would that do me, how could that make me 'well'? These people of theirs, they want to eat people, and yet they're so sneaky, trying to cover it up, afraid to act openly—it really makes me want to laugh myself to death. I couldn't hold it in, so I burst out laughing, utterly delighted. I knew that within that laughter there was courage and righteousness. The old man and my elder brother both lost their composure, subdued by my courage and righteousness.

　　But the more courage I had, the more they wanted to eat me, to get a share of that courage. The old man stepped out the door, and after walking a short distance, he said in a low voice to my elder brother, "Hurry up and eat him!" My elder brother nodded. So you're in on it too! This great discovery, though seemingly unexpected, was also within expectation: the one conspiring to eat me is my very own brother!

　　The one who eats people is my brother!

　　I am the brother of a man who eats people!

　　I myself have been eaten by people, yet I am still the brother of a man who eats people!

Five

　　These past few days I have been thinking on the bright side: even if that old man were not an executioner in disguise but truly a doctor, he would still be a man who eats people. In the "Herbal" written by their ancestor Li Shizhen, it is clearly written that human flesh can be boiled and eaten; how could he still claim that he does not eat people?

　　As for my elder brother at home, I do him no injustice either. When he explained books to me, he said with his own mouth that one could "exchange children to eat"; and once, when casually discussing a bad person, he said that not only should he be killed, but one should "eat his flesh and sleep on his skin." I was still young then, and my heart pounded for a long while. The day before yesterday, when the tenant farmer from Wolf Cub Village came to speak of eating hearts and livers, he showed no surprise at all, nodding continuously. Clearly his heart is as ruthless as ever. If one can "exchange children to eat," then anything can be exchanged, and anyone can be eaten. In the past I only listened to his reasoning and muddled through; now I know that when he speaks of principle, not only is there human grease smeared on his lips, but his heart is filled with the intent to eat people.

Six

　　Pitch black, I cannot tell whether it is day or night. The Zhao family's dog is barking again.

　　A lion's fierce heart, a rabbit's timidity, a fox's cunning...

Seven

　　I know their methods. To kill me outright they will not, and dare not, for fear of calamity. So they all conspire together, spreading a net all around, forcing me to take my own life. Look at the manner of the men and women in the streets a few days ago, and my elder brother's conduct these past days—that is enough to grasp eight or nine parts of it. Best to untie my belt, hang it from the beam, and strangle myself tightly; then they bear no crime of murder, and their wish is fulfilled, and naturally they will all rejoice and let out a sobbing, choking laughter. Otherwise, if I die of fright and worry, though somewhat thinner, they can still nod their approval a few times.

　　They only eat dead flesh! — I remember reading in some book that there is a creature called a "hyena," with a gaze and appearance most unpleasant; it often eats dead flesh, and even the largest bones it chews finely and swallows down its throat — the very thought of it is frightening. The "hyena" is kin to the wolf, and the wolf is a relation of the dog. The other day the Zhao family's dog looked at me several times — clearly it was in on the plot, already in league with them. The old man kept his eyes on the ground — how could he hope to deceive me?

　　Most pitiable of all is my elder brother — he too is human, so why is he not in the least afraid? And why does he join in eating me? Is it that he has grown so accustomed to it that he no longer sees it as wrong? Or has he lost his conscience and knowingly commits the crime?

　　If I am to curse those who eat people, I will begin with him; if I am to persuade those who eat people to change, I will begin with him as well.

Eight

　　In truth, by now they ought to have long since understood this reasoning...

　　Suddenly a man appeared; he was no more than twenty or so, his features not very clearly discernible, his face wreathed in smiles as he nodded at me — yet his smile did not seem genuine. I asked him, "Is eating people right?" He still smiled and said, "Unless it were a year of famine, how could anyone eat people?" I knew at once that he was of the same lot, one who delighted in eating people; so I summoned up my courage a hundredfold and insisted on questioning him.

　　"Is it right?"

　　"Why ask about such a thing? You really do... jest. ...The weather is very fine today."

　　The weather is fine, and the moonlight is quite bright. But I must ask you, "Is it right?"

　　He did not agree. He answered vaguely, "No..."

　　"Not right? Then why do they actually eat people?!"

　　"There is no such thing..."

　　"No such thing? Wolf Cub Village is eating people right now; and it is written in books too, in fresh red print!"

　　His face changed, turning iron-gray. He stared at me and said, "Perhaps there is some truth to it — it has always been so..."

　　"If it has always been so, does that make it right?"

　　"I will not argue such principles with you; in short, you should not have said it — by saying it, you are in the wrong!"

　　I sprang up at once and opened my eyes, but the man had vanished. I was drenched in sweat. He was far younger than my elder brother, yet he was of the same lot; his parents must have taught him first. And I fear they have already taught his sons; so even the little children glare at me with such malice.

Nine

　　They want to eat people themselves, yet fear being eaten by others, and so they stare at one another with eyes of the deepest suspicion...

　　To cast off this obsession, to work, walk, eat, and sleep at ease — how comfortable that would be. It is but a single threshold, a single turning point. Yet fathers and sons, brothers, husbands and wives, friends, teachers and students, enemies, and utter strangers all band together, urging one another on and restraining one another, refusing to cross that step even at the cost of death.

Ten

　　Early in the morning, I went to find my elder brother; he was standing outside the hall door gazing at the sky, so I walked up behind him, blocked the door, and spoke to him with exceptional calm and exceptional politeness,

　　"Brother, I have something to tell you."

　　"Go on, speak," he said, turning his face toward me at once and nodding.

　　"I have only a few words, but I cannot bring myself to say them. Brother, in the beginning, I suppose, even the savage people all ate a little human flesh. Later, because their minds took different turns, some stopped eating people and, striving only for goodness, became human — became truly human. Others still ate people — just like the insects: some became fish, birds, or monkeys, and gradually evolved into humans. Some did not strive for goodness and remain insects to this day. How ashamed those who eat people ought to be compared with those who do not. I fear they are far, far more ashamed than the monkey that is ashamed of the insect.

　　"Yi Ya steamed his own son and served him to Jie and Zhou — that was in ancient times. Who knows but that from the time Pangu separated heaven and earth, they went on eating until they came to Yi Ya's son; from Yi Ya's son, they went on eating until they came to Xu Xilin; and from Xu Xilin, they went on eating until they came to the man captured in Wolf Cub Village. Last year, when the city executed a criminal, there was also a consumptive man who dipped his steamed bun in the blood and licked it."

　　"They want to eat me, and you alone, of course, can do nothing about it; but why should you join them? People who eat people—what can they not do? They will eat me, and they will eat you too, and within their own ranks, they will eat one another. But if only you take one step back, if only you change at once, then everyone will be at peace. Though it has always been so, we can still do better today—how can you say it cannot be done? Brother, I believe you can say it. The day before yesterday, when the tenant farmer asked for a reduction in rent, you said it could not be done."

　　At first, he only sneered coldly; then his gaze turned fierce, and once I exposed their hidden secrets, his whole face turned green. Outside the gate stood a crowd, and Old Zhao and his dog were among them, all craning their necks and pressing in. Some had faces that could not be made out, as if covered with cloth; others were still green-faced and long-toothed, grinning with their mouths pressed shut. I knew they were all of one company, all eaters of human flesh. But I also knew their minds were very different: one kind thought that since it had always been so, it was right to eat; the other kind knew it was wrong, yet still ate, and feared being exposed, so hearing my words, they grew all the more furious, though they only sneered with their mouths shut.

　　At that moment, my elder brother suddenly showed a fierce expression and shouted in a loud voice,

　　"All of you, get out! What is there to see in a madman?"

　　At that moment, I understood another of their clever tricks. Not only would they refuse to change, but they had long since made their arrangements, preparing the label of madman to cast over me. In the future, when they eat me, not only will it be a peaceful affair, but perhaps some will even be grateful to them. What the tenant farmer said—that everyone together had eaten an evil man—was exactly this method. This is their old trick!

　　Old Fifth Chen also strode in, full of indignation. But how could he hold my mouth shut? I insisted on speaking to that crowd,

　　"You can change—change from the bottom of your hearts! You must know that in the future, there will be no place in this world for those who eat people.

  "If you do not change, you will devour one another. Even if you multiply, you will be wiped out by true humans, just as hunters finish off
the wolves!—just like insects!"

  That whole crowd was driven away by Old Fifth Chen. My elder brother had vanished as well. Old Fifth Chen urged me to go back into the house.
Inside, the room was utterly dark. The beams and rafters trembled above my head; after trembling for a while, they grew larger and piled down upon me.

  They were immensely heavy, so heavy I could not move; their intent was for me to die. I knew their weight was false, so I struggled free,
drenched in sweat. But I insisted on saying,

　　"Change at once, change from the bottom of your hearts! You must know that in the future, there will be no place for those who eat people..."

Eleven

　　The sun does not rise, the door does not open, and each day brings only two meals.

　　As I picked up my chopsticks, I thought of my elder brother; I knew that the cause of my little sister's death lay entirely with him. At that time, my sister was only five years old, and her lovely, pitiful face is still before my eyes. Mother wept without cease, but he urged her not to cry—perhaps because, having eaten her himself, he felt somewhat uneasy at the tears. If he could still feel uneasy...

　　Whether my mother knew that my little sister had been eaten by my elder brother, I cannot tell.

　　Mother probably knew as well; yet while she wept, she said nothing about it, and perhaps she too thought it was right. I remember when I was four or five, sitting in the courtyard to enjoy the cool air, my elder brother said that when parents fell ill, a son should cut a piece of flesh from his own body, cook it, and offer it to them to eat, and only then could he be considered a good son; Mother did not say this was wrong. If a single piece could be eaten, then naturally the whole body could be eaten too. But the way she cried that day, even now when I think of it, still breaks my heart—truly a strange thing!

Twelve

　　I cannot think any further.

　　It is only today that I understand this place where people have eaten people for four thousand years; I too have been mixed up in it for many years. My elder brother was managing the household, and my little sister happened to die—he may well have mixed her into the meals and secretly fed her to us.

　　I may unknowingly have eaten a few slices of my little sister's flesh, and now it is my turn...

　　I, who have a four-thousand-year record of eating people, though I did not know it at first, now understand—I can hardly face a true human being!

Thirteen

　　Are there perhaps still children who have not eaten people?

　　Save the children...

April 1918.

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