"ID","Joke"
1,"I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy."
2,"People used to laugh at me when I would say ""I want to be a comedian"", well nobody's laughing now."
3,"Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water."
4,"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
5,"If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive."
6,"Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?"
7,"You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera."
8,"A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it."
9,"I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you."
10,"Relationships are a lot like algebra.  Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?"
11,"Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen."
12,"Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off."
13,"Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole."
14,"Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it."
15,"Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months."
16,"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
17,"When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts."
18,"When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people."
19,"My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician."
20,"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once."
21,"Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage."
22,"If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame."
23,"Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes."
24,"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
25,"Take my advice  I'm not using it."
26,"You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body."
27,"How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?"
28,"You're not fat, you're just... easier to see."
29,"I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't."
30,"Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving."
31,"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."
32,"When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's ""art"" & ""music"". But when I do it, I'm ""drunk"" and ""have to leave the hardware store""."
33,"That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is ""act natural, you're innocent""."
34,"Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers."
35,"If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
36,"Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?"
37,"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
38,"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
39,"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night."
40,"I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions."
41,"Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?"
42,"When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, ""A very good doctor""."
43,"I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone."
44,"Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests."
45,"What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck."
46,"Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye."
47,"Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else."
48,"I changed my password to ""incorrect"". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say ""Your password is incorrect""."
49,"I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust."
50,"There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know."
51,"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
52,"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?"
53,"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it."
54,"Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit."
55,"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."
56,"My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby."
57,"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
58,"Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen."
59,"Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example."
60,"Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them."
61,"Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house."
62,"Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely."
63,"I sometimes watch birds and wonder ""If I could fly who would I shit on?"""
64,"The difference between ""Girlfriend"" and ""Girl Friend"" is that little space in between we call the ""Friend Zone""."
65,"Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking."
66,"I named my hard drive ""dat ass"" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'."
67,"My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me."
68,"Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you."
69,"I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror."
70,"Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again."
71,"Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat."
72,"If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it."
73,"Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were."
74,"A clean house is the sign of a broken computer."
75,"What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced."
76,"If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ."
77,"Thanks for explaining the word ""many"" to me, it means a lot."
78,"Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
79,"I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass."
80,"Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions."
81,"When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running."
82,"If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?"
83,"Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience."
84,"Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk."
85,"Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was."
86,"When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance."
87,"There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't."
88,"Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things."
89,"When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on."
90,"I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff."
91,"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."
92,"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
93,"If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used."
94,"The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds."
95,"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."
96,"My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier."
97,"An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true."
98,"Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood."
99,"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."
100,"What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese."
101,"Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go."
102,"My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9."
103,"I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious."
104,"A straight face and a sincere-sounding ""Huh?"" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember."
105,"Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button."
106,"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
107,"If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later."
108,"Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday."
109,"I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect."
110,"My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear."
111,"For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake."
112,"Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving."
113,"I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes."
114,"America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote."
115,"Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them..."
116,"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
117,"My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person."
118,"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her."
119,"Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms."
120,"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
121,"If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common."
122,"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk."
123,"I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck."
124,"Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again."
125,"Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick."
126,"I bet you I could stop gambling."
127,"Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?"
128,"Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea.  Real friends pick up a camera."
129,"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts."
130,"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
131,"My job is secure. No one else wants it."
132,"It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it."
133,"My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?"
134,"Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account."
135,"Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza."
136,"Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years."
137,"There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups."
138,"Yo're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering."
139,"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
140,"Top 3 situations that require witnesses:1) Crimes2) Accidents 3) MarriagesNeed I say more?"
141,"There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin."
142,"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well."
143,"My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was rightI feel ten years older already."
144,"Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight."""
145,"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. "
146,"Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs."
147,"If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now."
148,"What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. "
149,"It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. "
150,"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
151,"Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory."
152,"The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait."
153,"Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'"
154,"I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute."
155,"My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met."
156,"Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional."
157,"Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. "
158,"I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work."
159,"People who write ""u"" instead of ""you"". What do you do with all the time you save?"
160,"For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction."
161,"If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand."
162,"Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode  really..."
163,"Turning vegan is a big missed steak."
164,"Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway."
165,"You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen."
166,"How did I escape Iraq? Iran."
167,"The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*"
168,"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
169,"The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil."
170,"I met my soulmate. She didn't."
171,"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
172,"I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better."
173,"What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving."
174,"She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy."
175,"I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean."
176,"Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos."
177,"Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball."
178,"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."
179,"I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind."
180,"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
181,"Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?"
182,"I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco."
183,"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."
184,"If time is money are ATM's time machines?"
185,"I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction."
186,"The reward for a job well done is more work."
187,"Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool."
188,"That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale."
189,"My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me."
190,"My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny."
191,"My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end."
192,"I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you."
193,"Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?"
194,"I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser."
195,"I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore."
196,"If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world."
197,"Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted."
198,"Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?"
199,"Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes."
200,"Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them."
201,"Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is ""Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"""
202,"Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones."
203,"Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory."
204,"The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward."
205,"One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast."
206,"Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?"
207,"I saw a sign that said ""Watch for children"" and I thought, ""That sounds like a fair trade""."
208,"If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents."
209,"Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level."
210,"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have cooked it on aloha teperature."
211,"Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink."
212,"I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night."
213,"You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me."
214,"Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way."
215,"My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life."
216,"I am known at the gym as the ""before picture."""
217,"Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days"
218,"A man enters a store and says: ""15 litres of wine please."" ""Did you bring a container for this?"" ""You're speaking to it."""
219,"I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative."
220,"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
221,"The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have."
222,"If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason."
223,"The man who discovered copper died penniless."
224,"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
225,"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot."
226,"People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow."
227,"Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?"
228,"The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread."
229,"Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?"
230,"My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, ""your daughter"" wasn't the right answer."
231,"The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it."
232,"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."
233,"I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain."
234,"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
235,"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
236,"I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet."
237,"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going."
238,"Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough."
239,"I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat."
240,"Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u"
241,"God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems."
242,"For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis."
243,"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
244,"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
245,"It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim."
246,"Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman."
247,"People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made."
248,"Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship."
249,"Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better."
250,"We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober."
251,"How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear. "
252,"Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children."
253,"One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday  eight hours."
254,"If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke."
255,"What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money."
256,"What does snowman have and snow women doesn't, snowballs."
257,"I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said ""I've been waiting all day for you "" Well I said. I got here as fast as I could."
258,"A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer."
259,"Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected."
260,"I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy."
261,"I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle."
262,"It's just a bad day, not a bad life."
263,"Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it."
264,"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
265,"Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step."
266,"I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing."
267,"Some people say ""If you can't beat them, join them"". I say ""If you can't beat them, beat them"", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise."
268,"I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie."
269,"Hey, you have something on your chin... no, the 3rd one down."
270,"I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!"
271,"I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time."
272,"TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically."
273,"I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat."
274,"You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish."
275,"I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you."
276,"My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn"
277,"eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches."
278,"Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in."
279,"Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included."
280,"I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?"
281,"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."
282,"What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit."
283,"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
284,"You could very well be going to heaven but it won't be hell in hell without you!"
285,"Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?"
286,"It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't pee on my shoes."
287,"Hit snooze until the panic sets in."
288,"It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer."
289,"I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you."
290,"How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from."
291,"There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas."
292,"I work to buy a car to go to work."
293,"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."
294,"Autocorrect just changed ""I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe"" to ""I'm fine."""
295,"What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? ""Are you sure it's mine?"""
296,"If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents."
297,"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
298,"Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?"
299,"I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there."
300,"That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror."
301,"A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game."
302,"Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?"
303,"Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies."
304,"You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard."
305,"Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it."
306,"Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice."
307,"What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence."
308,"You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. "
309,"My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely."
310,"If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA."
311,"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
312,"Aha, I see the Fuck-Up Fairy has visited us again! "
313,"What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever."
314,"Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment."
315,"I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me ""Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"" So I bought her nothing."
316,"I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it."
317,"Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you."
318,"Turtles think frogs are homeless."
319,"When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on."
320,"I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days."
321,"What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!"
322,"The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free."
323,"Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards."
324,"When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper ""You did this."""
325,"Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it."
326,"Makeup tip: You're not in the circus."
327,"So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey."
328,"There's only one problem with your face, I can see it."
329,"You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back."
330,"I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?"
331,"It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize."
332,"Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."
333,"Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them..."
334,"You're so fake, Barbie is jealous."
335,"The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it."
336,"I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now."
337,"The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly."
338,"""Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you."""
339,"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
340,"Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people."
341,"Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!"
342,"Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough."
343,"I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance."
344,"I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch."
345,"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
346,"You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse."
347,"Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost."
348,"It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more."
349,"I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later."
350,"Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it."
351,"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
352,"I would love to insult you... but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence."
353,"If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?"
354,"Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it."
355,"Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy."
356,"My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate."
357,"A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame."
358,"How many times do I have to flush before you go away? "
359,"What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose."
360,"Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance."
361,"The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is ""We're going for a break now, we'll be back later""."
362,"Marijuana is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy."
363,"Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead."
364,"I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high."
365,"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
366,"Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!"
367,"You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity?"
368,"Always identify who to blame in an emergency."
369,"I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bullshit."
370,"What is a video game characters favorite method of brawling? Hitboxing!"
371,"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
372,"A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy."
373,"A procrastinator's work is never done."
374,"I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet."
375,"My kids are very optimistic.  Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full."
376,"What is the difference between ""ooooooh""and ""aaaaaaah""? About three inches. "
377,"My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five."
378,"Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today."
379,"Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head."
380,"Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother."
381,"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works."
382,"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job."
383,"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."
384,"What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married."
385,"Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day."
386,"What was Forrest Gump's email password? ""1forrest1"""
387,"Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over!"
388,"Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus."
389,"I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking."
390,"I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. "
391,"What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit."
392,"Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others."
393,"My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!"
394,"How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick."
395,"Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards."
396,"How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday! "
397,"What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck."
398,"I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is in the future."
399,"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
400,"Why is ""abbreviation"" such a long word? "
401,"Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working."
402,"Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says"
403,"I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited."
404,"Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!"
405,"I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together."
406,"As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?"
407,"Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes."
408,"Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S."
409,"3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!"
410,"If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart."
411,"I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na.."
412,"What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought."
413,"What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ""Once upon a time ..."" A southern fairytale begins ""Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."""
414,"I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass."
415,"Oh, you're straight? Well, so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet."
416,"You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse."
417,"Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto."
418,"Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. "
419,"Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind."
420,"Failure is not an optionit comes bundled with the software."
421,"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
422,"We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour."
423,"Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?"
424,"""I'm sorry"" and ""I apologize"" mean the same thing... except when you're at a funeral."
425,"We come to love not by finding a perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
426,"Three words to ruin a man's ego...? ""Is it in?"""
427,"I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!"
428,"My resume is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."
429,"A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer."
430,"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. ""Yes"" is the answer."
431,"Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend."
432,"If you're going through Hell, keep going."
433,"I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it."
434,"Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing."
435,"By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game."
436,"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
437,"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
438,"I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you."
439,"Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun."
440,"He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words."
441,"What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones."
442,"Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?"
443,"Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy."
444,"How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!"
445,"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."
446,"You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away."
447,"I hate insects puns, they really bug me."
448,"My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, ""All kids smell that way."""
449,"A girl phoned me the other day and said, ""Come on over, there's nobody home."" I went over. Nobody was home."
450,"Why can't blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful."
451,"The road to success is always under construction."
452,"Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story."
453,"It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME)."
454,"If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs."
455,"When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility."
456,"Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money."
457,"Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born."
458,"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking."
459,"The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine."
460,"It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative."
461,"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common ""enemy""."
462,"Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now."
463,"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread."
464,"Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?"
465,"You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet."
466,"I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry."
467,"If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants."
468,"Comedy is tragedy plus time."
469,"My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv."
470,"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions which your wife asks for nothing."
471,"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
472,"I intend to live forever... or die trying."
473,"Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us."
474,"Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway."
475,"Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one."
476,"For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism."
477,"I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts."
478,"There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire."
479,"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
480,"My son is an ungrateful little shit! I bought him a trampoline for Christmas, but he'd rather sit in his wheelchair and cry."
481,"I wonder if my first cat appreciates being at least slightly immortalized in my passwords."
482,"Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late."
483,"At Comic Con, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours."
484,"I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day."
485,"My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account."
486,"You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk."
487,"If bullshit could float...you'd be the Admiral of the fleet! "
488,"What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate! "
489,"Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have."
490,"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
491,"What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming."
492,"What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year."
493,"If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth."
494,"Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny."
495,"Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is."
496,"Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey."
497,"If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway."
498,"You're so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line."
499,"The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used."
500,"It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end."
501,"Can't wait to start my New Years resolution in 2018!"
502,"I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing."
503,"A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday."
504,"Interviewer: ""Why do you want this job?""Me: ""I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death."""
505,"Smartphones are pacifiers for adults."
506,"Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage."
507,"You're like school in the summertime - no class."
508,"I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella."
509,"Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels."
510,"I know I'm getting old... the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels."
511,"A clean house is a sign of a misspent life."
512,"Dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone."
513,"Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with."
514,"But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period."
515,"Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words."
516,"If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look."
517,"Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them."
518,"Looking at you, I understand why some animals eat their young."
519,"Sometimes I wish life had subtitles."
520,"Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you."
521,"You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts."
522,"Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters."
523,"You're about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds."
524,"All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?"
525,"My annual performance review says I lack ""passion & intensity"", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac."
526,"Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are."
527,"Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?"
528,"What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. "
529,"We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough."
530,"Why didn't the Indian like having two t.p.'s? They made him 2 tence."
531,"If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost."
532,"I had amnesia once - maybe twice."
533,"Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?"
534,"I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route."
535,"Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins."
536,"I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first."
537,"I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it."
538,"Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you."
539,"42 percent of statistics are made up!"
540,"My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter."
541,"It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. "
542,"Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live."
543,"Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'"
544,"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
545,"Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in."
546,"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
547,"Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people."
548,"Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife."
549,"Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back."
550,"Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware."
551,"You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white."
552,"There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back home"
553,"Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go."
554,"I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it."
555,"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."
556,"Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile."
557,"People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole."
558,"Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other ""do you have to do that right now?"""
559,"If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut"
560,"The light at the end of the tunnel  are the front lights of a train."
561,"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"
562,"It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening."
563,"The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off."
564,"Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties."
565,"Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better."
566,"Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking."
567,"I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks."
568,"If everyone was like you the human race would lose faith in the world."
569,"I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokemon I've caught."
570,"My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!"
571,"Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody."
572,"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
573,"Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet."
574,"Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries."
575,"Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing."
576,"Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is."
577,"Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail."
578,"You look like a before picture."
579,"If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra."
580,"Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed."
581,"I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila."
582,"How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard."
583,"What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you."
584,"Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life."
585,"Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella."
586,"What would martin luther king be if he was white? Alive."
587,"I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one."
588,"I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it."
589,"It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too."
590,"We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, ""Assembly required."""
591,"Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think."
592,"You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!"
593,"My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent."
594,"Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel."
595,"What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need."
596,"I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time."
597,"Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts."
598,"A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, ""Depends on what's in it for me."""
599,"Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me."
600,"I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon."
601,"I must have a nice butt, because, everytime I'm walking away from talking to someone they say ""What an ass?"""
602,"You'd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time,  they could star or retweet some of the good ones."
603,"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often."
604,"Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault."
605,"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
606,"You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles."
607,"Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?"
608,"I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need."
609,"Why dont blacks celibrate thanksgiving? KFC isnt open on holidays."
610,"Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass."
611,"Shock me, say something intelligent."
612,"Social life? You mean my phone?"
613,"Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious."
614,"I am so poor I can't even pay attention."
615,"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."
616,"Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day."
617,"Work is for people who don't know how to fish."
618,"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone"
619,"The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it."
620,"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
621,"Every morning is the dawn of a new error."
622,"How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump."
623,"Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?"
624,"Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. "
625,"Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing, they just waved."
626,"What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant."
627,"Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time."
628,"You're so fat, you could sell shade."
629,"Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
630,"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic"
631,"Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off,"
632,"What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball."
633,"One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, ""Please send me a sister."" Santa Clause wrote him back, ""Ok, send me your mother."""
634,"Marriage is the main reason for divorce."
635,"Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to."
636,"The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass."
637,"I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge."
638,"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."
639,"I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
640,"The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk."
641,"Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles ""how to read a book""."
642,"Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose."
643,"For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer..."
644,"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity."
645,"I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables."
646,"Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type."
647,"What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. "
648,"Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down."
649,"The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty."
650,"I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines."
651,"Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up."
652,"Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*"
653,"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it."
654,"What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention!"
655,"Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems."
656,"I am probably single....because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008"
657,"My math teacher called me average. How mean!"
658,"How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning."
659,"The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. ...Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder."
660,"It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one."
661,"Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection."
662,"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
663,"Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards."
664,"I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?"
665,"My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport."
666,"I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts."
667,"Please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him."
668,"If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words."
669,"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way."
670,"Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee."
671,"Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs..."
672,"As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free..."
673,"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
674,"I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting."
675,"A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year."
676,"Why is there cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers."
677,"Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. "
678,"In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people."
679,"Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business..."
680,"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
681,"How do construction workers party? they raise the roof."
682,"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
683,"I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born."
684,"I plan to donate my liver to an alcoholic so i'll know it's a match"
685,"My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat."
686,"If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?"
687,"Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this."
688,"Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past."
689,"We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control."
690,"If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute."
691,"Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock."
692,"All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo."
693,"I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%."
694,"Masturbating is wrong in some people's eyes... Also, it burns."
695,"The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly."
696,"What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!"
697,"They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts."
698,"People who make you feel special are keepers.  Anyone with such good taste has to be admired."
699,"Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population."
700,"Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap."
701,"Cancer cures smoking."
702,"Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way."
703,"Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets"
704,"We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move."
705,"Crowded elevators smell different to midgets."
706,"How come ""you're a peach"" is a complement but ""you're bananas"" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?"
707,"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"
708,"Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!"
709,"Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse."
710,"The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close."
711,"Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful."
712,"Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number."
713,"I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me."
714,"Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts."
715,"What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion."
716,"I'm watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy."
717,"I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver."
718,"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
719,"Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!"
720,"Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich."
721,"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
722,"What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you."
723,"What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off"
724,"One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you."
725,"Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element."
726,"What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging."
727,"This isn't working out. I think we should start making other people miserable."
728,"Did Noah include termites on the ark?"
729,"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.."
730,"I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money."
731,"I grew a beard thinking it would say ""Distinguished Gentleman."" Instead, turns out it says, ""Senior Discount, Please!"""
732,"Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months."
733,"Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake."
734,"Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor."
735,"I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?"
736,"Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ""concentrate""! "
737,"What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist"
738,"If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two."
739,"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
740,"I put the ""fun"" in dysfunctional. "
741,"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
742,"Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being."
743,"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
744,"Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park! "
745,"The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted."
746,"I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer."
747,"Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love."
748,"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children."
749,"Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?"
750,"We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick."
751,"Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move."
752,"I'm as bored as a slut on her period."
753,"Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday."
754,"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."
755,"I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere."
756,"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
757,"A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass."
758,"Anyone who says ""good morning"" on a Monday is a sociopath."
759,"Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it."
760,"You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing."
761,"I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said ""If you can read this the b*tch fell off."""
762,"Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can't find herself a man. She doesn't like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn't like her."
763,"Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to."
764,"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
765,"How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood? The Blacks get car insurance."
766," Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket."
767,"A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it."
768,"I love my life, but it just wants to be friends..."
769,"Me: Real women don't care about romantic cliches. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers."
770,"I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!"
771,"By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong."
772,"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
773,"Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them."
774,"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?"
775,"ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off"
776,"Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana. "
777,"However lonely you feel, you're never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight."
778,"Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film."
779,"Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team."
780,"I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone."
781,"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened."
782,"I typed ""married"" but it was auto-corrected to ""martyred"". Damn,smartphone has gained intelligence."
783,"Only dead fish go with the flow."
784,"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be."
785,"""Raccoons""? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?"
786,"Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really."
787,"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
788,"Deja Vu  When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends."
789,"Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down."
790,"I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap."
791,"Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either."
792,"If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday."
793,"Oh, what? Sorry. I was trying to imagine you with a personality. "
794,"If you are here - who is running hell?"
795,"Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime."
796,"1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
797,"What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature."
798,"Life is scary; at least the salary is funny."
799,"Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends."
800,"If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?"
801,"I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream."
802,"A camel can work 10 days without drinking, I can drink 10 days without working."
803,"Lazy People Fact #5812672793. You were too lazy to read that number."
804,"Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one."
805,"If God is your co-pilot - swap seats."
806,"Fishermen are reel men."
807," I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one."
808,"How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me."
809,"Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!"
810,"Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own."
811,"The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back."
812,"Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm."
813,"Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble."
814,"I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face."
815,"It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college."
816,"My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting."
817,"I love every bone in your body, especially mine."
818,"If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones.  Please pass the wine."
819,"Sorry, my dog ate your text message."
820,"I tried to get back to the drawing board but I can't draw."
821,"What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador."
822,"Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas."
823,"What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? ""Put it on my bill."""
824,"Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any."
825,"According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me."
826,"So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response."
827,"Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of."
828,"If you do not say it, they can't repeat it."
829,"Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment."
830,"668  The neighbour of the beast."
831,"They say people couldn't have everything because they don't have enough space to put it, I say 'everything' includes a bag with infinite space so I can put everything in easily."
832,"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
833,"Q: What did the nurse say to John Cena? A: ICU."
834,"My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed ""You're psychic"" to ""You're psycho."""
835,"The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste."
836,"I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife."
837,"I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford."
838,"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But roses are wilting, violets are dead, sugar bowl's empty and so is your head."
839,"Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time."
840,"The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."
841,"26.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."
842,"Age is important only if you're cheese and wine."
843,"My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states."
844,"If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney."
845,"I always give 110%. Oops. Left out the decimal point. I always give 1.10%."
846,"I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75."
847,"Crime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?"
848,"I like to hold hands at the movies... which always seems to startle strangers."
849,"He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said ""What is wrong with it?"" ""It's swollen."""
850,"Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer."
851,"America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales."
852,"My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird."
853,"Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber."
854,"A little boy asked his father, ""Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"" Father replied, ""I don't know son, I'm still paying."""
855,"What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone."
856,"I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode."
857,"How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house."
858,"There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away."
859,"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
860,"Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand..."
861,"Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
862,"Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing  you will not only regret but will also suffer."
863,"What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!"
864,"My IQ came back negative."
865,"An average teenage boy nowadays has seen more naked women than all of their ancestors put together."
866,"I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week."
867,"Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change."
868,"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them."
869,"I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning... gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head."
870,"Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone."
871,"We must be subatomic particles, because I feel strong force between us."
872,"Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"
873,"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone."
874,"Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I'm thirsty."
875,"Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions."
876,"The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth."
877,"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said Are you going to help?' I said No, six should be enough.'"
878,"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
879,"Dont stop! I dont usually get to see beauty in motion"
880,"My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined."
881,"If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?"
882,"Your gene pool could use a little chlorine."
883,"Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark."
884,"I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter."
885,"I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar."
886,"I never loved you any more than I do, right this second. And I'll never love you any less than I do, right this second."
887,"Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. "
888,"I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb."
889,"People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses."
890,"Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you."
891,"Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity."
892,"I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them."
893,"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
894,"I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too."
895,"Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?"
896,"College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back."
897,"You should argue with your wife only when she's not around."
898,"Most guys walk up and stick it in... I stick it in then walk up..."
899,"The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end."
900,"Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game."
901,"Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?"
902,"As best man it is my job to tell you about the groom, and all the embarrassing things that have happened to him in the 28 years leading up to what was the happiest day of his life until i started this speech."
903,"Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I... can't see."
904,"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
905,"I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage."
906,"I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead."
907,"Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple."
908,"A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the ""b"" is silent."
909,"Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness."
910,"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
911,"What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?"
912,"Evening news is where they begin with Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
913,"Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
914,"The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!"
915,"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."
916,"My brain is not equipped with facial or name recognition technology."
917,"We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off."
918,"Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark."
919,"Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month."
920,"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
921,"If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview."
922,"If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation."
923,"Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution."
924,"I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take."
925,"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
926,"Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off..."
927,"If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?"
928,"Don't trust atoms, they make up everything."
929,"Strangers have the best candy."
930,"The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble."
931,"My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league."
932,"What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."
933,"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
934,"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there."
935,"Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys."
936,"What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds."
937,"THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes."
938,"When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ""I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."""
939,"Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Cindrella?"
940,"My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football. What a bunch of idiots. I'm gay because I like cock."
941,"If your going to be two faced at least make one of them pretty."
942,"How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated."
943,"Never answer an anonymous letter."
944,"Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally."
945,"No Deja vu please...I Don't want to go through that again"
946,"Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?"
947,"The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south."
948,"What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships."
949,"Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate."
950,"What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
951,"Why wasnt there any blacks in the flintstones? Because they were still monkeys."
952,"Blind man walks into a bar... And a table, and a chair."
953,"Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace. "
954,"don't regret doing things, regret getting caught"
955,"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."
956,"99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women."
957,"Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!"
958,"I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones."
959,"Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?"
960,"Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!"
961,"Sure, white people can't say the ""N word"" but at least we can say phrases like, ""Thanks for the warning, Officer"" and, ""Hey, Dad."""
962,"Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is pretty messed up!"
963,"You have the perfect face for radio."
964,"What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs."
965,"The older I get, the earlier it gets late."
966,"There are two types of guys: those who pee in the shower and those who don't admit it."
967,"Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!"
968,"Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are."
969,"A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile."
970,"The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship ""I apologize"" and ""You are right."""
971,"Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done."
972,"Why kill time when you can make it work for you?"
973,"What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most."
974,"Every function without you will always be void of love."
975,"A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones."
976,"Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service! "
977,"Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures."
978,"To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."
979,"My calling in life went straight to voicemail."
980,"70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots."
981,"Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night."
982,"Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink..."
983,"Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable"
984,"Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today."
985,"It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers."
986,"Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!"
987,"Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!"
988,"Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed. "
989,"Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date."
990,"I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!"
991,"An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion."
992,"At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?"
993,"Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job."
994,"Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening."
995,"I sleep better naked...why can't the flight attendant understand this?"
996,"At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."
997,"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
998,"Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time."
999,"Actually, I don't think you're dyslexic; just really, really stupid. "
1000,"According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air."
1001,"I'd tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you."
1002,"There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot."
1003,"They call it ""pms"" because ""mad cow disease"" was already taken."
1004,"Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know..."
1005," What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer. "
1006,"I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me."
1007,"Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you- the world is round, just think that you're driving first!"
1008,"All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. "
1009,"Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won't remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me."
1010,"White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope."
1011,"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
1012,"Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you."
1013,"Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days."
1014,"No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?"
1015,"Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth."
1016,"A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
1017,"Introducing myself to new boyfriends parents: ""Hi, I usually don't make it this far."""
1018,"The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job."
1019,"Stop with the blind jokes ... I don t see the point."
1020,"*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!"
1021,"Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: ""Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"""
1022,"Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?"
1023,"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally."
1024,"Did your parents keep the placenta and throw away the baby?"
1025,"Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic."
1026,"Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer."
1027,"Don't steal. That's the government's job."
1028,"I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it  and he's always on time."
1029,"Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand."
1030,"Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket."
1031,"Concerning the absence of toilet paper, there should be complaint books laid out at publicly used places."
1032,"I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree."
1033,"In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now."
1034,"Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things."
1035,"Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull."
1036,"I'd like to think inside your box."
1037,"My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy."
1038,"Few women admit their age; few men act it."
1039,"Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them."
1040,"Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense."
1041,"All generalizations are false, including this one."
1042,"Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear."
1043,"Your forehead is so big you donated it to charity for shelter!"
1044,"How are you related to the sun? Because your teeth are the same colour as it."
1045,"You so ugly on Halloween someone said scary costume."
1046,"You're about as much use as parallel lines of a railway track. The only difference is the railway tracks take people places and with the way you are, it's no wonder you always end up going nowhere in life."
1047,"You are so dimwitted even the blackhole night sky looks brighter than you."
1048,"When I said ""I was afraid of the dentist"", I meant the bill."
1049,"What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th."
1050,"The only thing I have to offer men is that I don't ask questions during a movie."
1051,"Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid."
1052,"Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters."
1053,"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ""Well, that's not going to happen."""
1054,"When my friends are sad, i send them a long ass paragraph, but when I'm sad, they only say ""Oh sorry"" or ""Well that sucks""."
1055,"Why was six scared of seven? Because seven ""ate"" nine."
1056,"You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER."
1057,"I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it."
1058,"Ask me about my vow of silence."
1059,"Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home!"
1060,"Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion."
1061,"Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!"
1062,"Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: ""Beef Jerky!"""
1063,"When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
1064,"If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does."
1065,"I can't count how many times I failed maths at school."
1066,"What's ""68""? You do me and I owe you one."
1067,"What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale? Humpme Dumpme!"
1068,"Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?"
1069,"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ""U"" and ""I"" together."
1070,"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."
1071,"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."
1072,"I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits."
1073,"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy."
1074,"I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point."
1075,"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
1076,"Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy."
1077,"Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad."
1078,"I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
1079,"You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?"
1080,"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room."
1081,"He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame."
1082,"The advantage of using a nailcutter is, you won't get scratchmark on your forehead skin and the disadvantage is, you can't peel off garlic skin."
1083,"My girl always tells me ""Life is about the little things"", but I just hate when she talks about her Ex."
1084,"Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever."
1085,"An escalator can never break  it can only become stairs."
1086,"Q: How does a blonde turn the lights on in the morning? A: She opens the car door."
1087,"Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the bathtub."
1088,"Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth."
1089,"Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector."
1090,"Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection. A fake name and a fake number."
1091,"The more vital your research, the less people will understand it."
1092,"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
1093,"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception"
1094,"I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches."
1095,"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."
1096,"A blonde said, ""I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."" "
1097,"A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does."
1098,"We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works."
1099,"Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman."
1100,"People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people."
1101,"I used to think love() was abstract, until you implemented it in MyHeart."
1102,"Life is sexually transmitted."
1103,"I love the F5 key. It s just so refreshing."
1104,"The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment."
1105,"Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born."
1106,"He's a few clowns short of a circus. "
1107,"Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. "
1108,"I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small."
1109,"No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?"
1110,"Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas."
1111,"I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words... ""Were you fired?"""
1112,"I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it."
1113,"You should need a license to be that ugly."
1114,"Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case."
1115,"I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?"
1116,"You're IQ's lower than your shoe size."
1117,"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."
1118,"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
1119,"Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money."
1120,"Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!"
1121,"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
1122,"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
1123,"Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?"
1124,"When men say ""I'm fine"" they actually mean it. Weirdos."
1125,"It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it."
1126,"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"
1127,"Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees."
1128,"Why are birthday's good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!"
1129,"Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes."
1130,"You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow."
1131,"A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife."
1132,"If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books."
1133,"Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."
1134,"Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain."
1135,"""What else can we think about?""- Insomnia"
1136," Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!"
1137,"Everything always ends well. If not  it's probably not the end."
1138,"What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs."
1139,"Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: ""Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"""
1140,"Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental! "
1141,"Its girls like u that cause global warming!"
1142,"Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone. "
1143,"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."
1144,"What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas? My bike."
1145,"The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize."
1146,"He's as sharp as a bowling ball."
1147,"My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos."
1148,"Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running."
1149,"Dream carefully, because dreams come true."
1150,"I know my limits: if I fell down it means enough."
1151,"Love is not the number of times you kissed her, but the number of moments you were dying to kiss her."
1152,"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
1153,"100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?"
1154,"How Do they say ""F**k You"" in Hollywood? ""Trust Me..."""
1155,"What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream."
1156,"If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays?"
1157,"If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling."
1158,"Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat."
1159,"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good."
1160,"Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by."
1161,"No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery."
1162,"Want to hear a pizza joke... nah, it's too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it's too lame."
1163,"Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil."
1164,"If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits."
1165,"If a church wants a better pastor, It only needs to pray for the one it has. "
1166,"He was in a pub when he proposed. It was very romantic  he got up on one knee."
1167,"You're sweeter than 3.14"
1168,"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."
1169,"Alcohol won't mend a broken heart.But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight."
1170,"To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fat, that is so female..."
1171,"Don't feed the animals at the zoo! You should better feed the security guard!"
1172,"The panic begins with the first one to say Calm down!'"
1173,"Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?"
1174,"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."
1175,"Let's emotionally damage each other and call it Love."
1176,"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
1177,"Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward."
1178,"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
1179,"Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."
1180,"What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you."
1181,"Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!"
1182,"I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying"
1183,"I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss."
1184,"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you."
1185,"What did the light bulb say to the switch? ""You turn me on."""
1186,"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. ..."
1187,"What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny."
1188,"You can't have everything, where would you put it?"
1189,"What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry Ive got you covered!"
1190,"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
1191,"Generally, all generalisations are false."
1192,"Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress..."
1193,"True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable."
1194,"If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place."
1195,"There are no winners in life ...only survivors."
1196,"I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it"
1197,"Stephen Hawking says we've got about 1,000 years to find a new place to live. That isn't even enough time for my girlfriend to pack."
1198,"Men are like Bluetooth. When they're close they're connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment."
1199,"I said ""no"" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen."
1200,"Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman."
1201,"Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once."
1202,"I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot."
1203,"Chem students do it on the table periodically."
1204,"Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
1205,"If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' "
1206,"It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding."
1207,"I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong."
1208,"if a single teacher cant teach us all subjects,how is a student supposed to learn all the fucking subjects?"
1209,"Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has."
1210,"The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired."
1211,"Kids, don't grow up... it's a trap!"
1212,"Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: ""I need to axe you a question."""
1213,"I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words."
1214,"What does a baby computer call its father? Data."
1215,"Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors."
1216,"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies."
1217,"Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper."
1218,"I'm the flower, you're the bee. Why don't you suck the sweet pollen right out of me?"
1219,"The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on."
1220,"Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly."
1221,"If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President"
1222,"Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!"
1223,"Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual."
1224,"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
1225,"What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive. "
1226,"Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down."
1227,"An idea came to the mind, and now she's searching for the brain."
1228,"Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to (NAME)."
1229,"I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for."
1230,"The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given."
1231,"My love is like communism; everyone gets a share, and it's only good in theory."
1232,"He's street smart. Sesame Street smart."
1233,"Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they're happy."
1234,"War does not determine who is right  only who is left."
1235,"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
1236,"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
1237,"Laugh at your problems, everybody else does."
1238,"Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it."
1239,"I was never great with girls but I have standards... I don't date ugly girls... I make them fucking ugly..."
1240,"What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off."
1241,"What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?Never lick the spoon."
1242,"I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, ""No, one drag is enough."""
1243,"Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words."
1244,"Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.."
1245,"Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say ""don't"" and if he touches your pussy say ""stop""? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said ""don't stop"". "
1246,"My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion."
1247,"Text him again. He probably just forgot that he's in love with you."
1248,"I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. "
1249,"The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back."
1250,"Money is the root of all wealth."
1251,"Our conscience is clear- we don't use it."
1252,"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. "
1253,"Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!"
1254,"You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me."
1255,"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."
1256,"Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday."
1257,"Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it."
1258,"""You can't sleep either?"" Says a voice from under your bed."
1259,"You don't like her? Drink more."
1260,"Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe"
1261,"Your momma is so mean... she has no standard deviation."
1262,"You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney."
1263,"Do you sell hot dogs? Because you know how to make a wiener stand."
1264,"The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it."
1265,"Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed."
1266,"I think the only time my ex didn't fake an orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."
1267,"The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus."
1268,"It's better to be the first lover than a third wife."
1269,"If God made anything better than pussy he kept it for himself."
1270,"I know how to feed a nation...but will she eat it?"
1271,"How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing."
1272,"Just asked my wife what she's ""burning up for dinner"" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings."
1273,"Wanna get together and test the spring potential of my mattress?"
1274,"When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head."
1275,"Are you the square root of -1? Because you can't be real."
1276,"Why don't the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?"
1277,"Without nipples, breasts would be pointless."
1278,"In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period."
1279,"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water."
1280,"What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block."
1281,"Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children."
1282,"What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack."
1283,"How can you be so sad when you are so beautiful?"
1284,"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?"
1285,"I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep."
1286,"If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough."
1287,"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare."
1288,"How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?"
1289,"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
1290,"I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years."
1291,"Girl: My GrandFather Lived For 96 Years & He Never Used Glasses. Boy: Yeah I Know, Few People Drink Directly From Bottle."
1292,"What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !"
1293,"No one is listening until you make a mistake."
1294,"Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. "
1295,"Patient: ""Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."" Doctor: ""Next time, take off the candles."""
1296,"What does it mean when you see a bunch of blacks running in one direction? Jail break."
1297," Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming."
1298,"The Titanic was built to last, let that sink in."
1299,"In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes."
1300,"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
1301,"When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails."
1302,"Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push."
1303,"I like the sound of you not talking."
1304,"You don't work  you don't have money to live, you work  there's no time to live."
1305,"Here's $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me."
1306,"What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? Third Grade!"
1307,"Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?"
1308,"Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time."
1309,"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
1310,"On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?"
1311,"I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh."
1312,"You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with."
1313,"Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!"
1314,"If I promise to miss you, will you go away?"
1315,"I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008."
1316,"Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad."
1317,"What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful."
1318,"Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love."
1319,"Do I play fantasy football? Dude, I'm 46 and married. Most of my life is fantasy."
1320,"The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband."
1321,"At least cunts are useful you're not."
1322,"Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s"
1323,"What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? ""Beat it - we're closed."""
1324,"After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!"
1325,"If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends  they might not give you a chance to change your mind..."
1326,"A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games."
1327,"All the problems fade before a hangover"
1328,"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush', Dick', and Colon'. Need I say more?"
1329,"What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless."
1330,"Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics."
1331,"If a woman has fallen  an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her."
1332,"Impotence: Nature's way of saying ""No hard feelings""."
1333,"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves."
1334,"Do you wanna play lion tamer? she asks: ""What is that?"" you say: It's when you get on all fours and I put my head in your mouth."
1335,"What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? ""Honey, I'm home!"""
1336,"Karma is like 69. You get what you give."
1337,"I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper."
1338,"If you can't beat the record, you can beat up its owner."
1339,"What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish"
1340,"How do you know when Santa's in the room? You can sense his presents."
1341,"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit."
1342,"What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!"
1343,"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
1344,"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other."
1345,"What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married."
1346,"What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human."
1347,"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
1348,"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."
1349,"Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest."
1350," Why doesn't Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year."
1351,"Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now."
1352,"What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit."
1353,"Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!"
1354,"If you jingle my bells ill promise you a white Christmas."
1355,"Don't drink while driving  you will spill the beer."
1356,"A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
1357,"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them."
1358,"What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader. "
1359,"My cat's dead, can I play with your pussy instead?"
1360,"There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data."
1361,"Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any."
1362,"I'm blonde. What's your excuse?"
1363,"Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?"
1364,"I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours."
1365,"I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you."
1366,"Everyone my age is older than me..."
1367,"What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet."
1368,"What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH"
1369,"Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side."
1370,"Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock."
1371,"Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win... they lose."
1372,"Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge."
1373,"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
1374,"How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant."
1375,"A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce."
1376,"Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her."
1377,"Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready."
1378,"What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!"
1379,"Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away."
1380,"I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house."
1381,"What is a vampires favourite type of ship? A blood vessel."
1382,"Are your parents siblings?"
1383,"Do you believe in love at first sight or do i pass by you again."
1384,"Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole."
1385,"What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Introduces themself."
1386,"There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion."
1387,"What do you call one black on the moon? Problem. What do you call ten blacks on the moon? Problems. What do you call the entire black population on the moon? Problem solved."
1388,"I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ""Guess"" on it ...so I said ""Implants?"""
1389,"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."
1390,"A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst."
1391,"Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching."
1392,"A four letter word that every man is afraid of? (More)"
1393,"""Were any famous men born on your birthday?"" ""No, only little babies."" "
1394,"Sleep is my drug....my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police."
1395,"What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts. "
1396,"How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one."
1397,"Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!"
1398,"Whiteboards are remarkable."
1399,"Let's convert our potential energy into kinetic energy."
1400,"Where does one apply to be a ""kept man""?"
1401,"If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman."
1402,"Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do5 Abandon4 Lie3 Cheat2 Abuse1 Forget to start the dishwasher"
1403,"The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy."
1404,"I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man  I hate those people."
1405,"If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable."
1406,"My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are."
1407,"There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a ""unicorn"""
1408,"I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but..."
1409,"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police."
1410,"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire."
1411,"I can't get enough minimalism."
1412,"Men of quality respect women's equality."
1413,"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
1414,"Scratches and dents on the doors of your car are the side effects of bad driving."
1415,"Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!"
1416,"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one."
1417,"Whoever coined the phrase ""Quiet as a mouse"" has never stepped on one."
1418,"What did the painter say to her boyfriend? ""I love you with all my art!"""
1419," I don't do different things... It's just that I do things differently!"
1420,"I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace."
1421,"If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it."
1422,"Why is Justing Bieber like a shotgun? Give him a cock and he will blow!"
1423,"2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2."
1424,"An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation? Women..."
1425,"Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things."
1426,"I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles."
1427,"Born free, taxed to death."
1428,"I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms."
1429,"I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking."
1430,"Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score."
1431,"FRIDAY is my second favorite F word."
1432,"I found out about you from my last nightmare."
1433,"You're so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you."
1434,"You look like the grinch with plastic surgery gone wrong!"
1435,"The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family."
1436,"Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind."
1437,"You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, ""I'm fine"" than when you are flying on an airplane."
1438,"At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die."
1439,"Why do blacks wear white gloves? So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls."
1440,"Cannibals like to meat people."
1441,"How long does it take a black lady to shit? About 9 months."
1442,"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
1443,"If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember...You can always change your birthday on facebook!"
1444,"Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?"
1445,"I'm smiling. This should scare you."
1446,"Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect."
1447,"If the music's too loud you're too old."
1448,"Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive"
1449,"I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go."
1450,"How is education going to make me smarter?"
1451,"Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go."
1452,"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."
1453,"The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. "
1454,"I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again."
1455,"It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole."
1456,"Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener."
1457,"You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave."
1458,"I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force."
1459,"What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of seamen."
1460,"I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust."
1461,"There are no limits to my perfection  a monkey was thinking while looking at a human."
1462,"The device will work much better, if you turn it on."
1463,"My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing."
1464,"I asked my wife, ""Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"" She said, ""Somewhere I have never been!"" I told her, ""How about the kitchen?"""
1465,"All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second.."
1466,"You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number"
1467,"What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow."
1468,"Men mostly hate two words: 'not' and 'enough'... unless you say them together."
1469,"Mattel has a campaign urging girls to pursue their limitless potential. It's called You Can Be Anything Except A Woman With Barbie's Body."
1470,"If at first you don't succeed: try management."
1471,"Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends."
1472,"I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back."
1473,"I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!"
1474,"People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves."
1475,"What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away."
1476,"You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it."
1477,"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."
1478,"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent."
1479,"Wife renewed me for another season."
1480,"Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning."
1481,"My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh."
1482,"Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people."
1483,"Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter."
1484,"When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly."
1485,"Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out."
1486,"I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe."
1487,"Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems."
1488,"My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have."
1489,"Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking."
1490,"On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?"
1491,"The four most beautiful words in our common language: ""I told you so."""
1492,"My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out."
1493,"This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table."
1494,"If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless."
1495,"I speak Swedish with an Ikea accent."
1496,"If cats could text you back, they wouldn't."
1497,"If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story."
1498,"I'm a people person, but from a distance."
1499,"In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact."
1500,"Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap."
1501,"We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
1502,"Since my girlfriend discovered out the eyeroll and tongue sticking emojis she doesn't have to type words anymore."
1503,"Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation."
1504,"A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover."
1505,"I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him."
1506,"Even paranoids have enemies."
1507,"The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. "
1508,"If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?"
1509,"I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils."
1510,"The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me."
1511,"My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo."
1512,"Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator."
1513,"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
1514,"If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it"
1515,"What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute."
1516,"Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother."
1517,"Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future."
1518,"The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!"
1519,"If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up."
1520,"What's long, black and smelly? The unemployment line."
1521,"Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction."
1522,"I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls."
1523,"Love  is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed."
1524,"*Puts down phone* OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!"
1525,"A warning shot into the head."
1526,"A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It's called Nacho Mama."
1527,"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them."
1528,"I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth."
1529,"What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill. "
1530,"I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you."
1531,"Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years."
1532,"What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!"
1533,"Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her."
1534,"An iron rule of a leader  make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first."
1535,"If you were a triangle youd be acute one."
1536,"Temples are free to enter but still empty. Pubs charge to enter, but are full. People ignore inner peace &choose; to pay for self destruction"
1537,"Why do blacks smell? So blind people can hate them too."
1538,"Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex."
1539,"Why is a man's pee yellow, and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's coming or going."
1540,"Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses."
1541,"How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!"
1542,"Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel."
1543,"Do you need space? Join NASA!"
1544,"Idiot college called, they want there mascot back."
1545,"You must be a magnetic monopole because all I get from you is attraction."
1546,"A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."
1547,"You're more special than relativity."
1548,"Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up."
1549,"How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?"
1550,"Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing."
1551,"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."
1552,"It takes two to lie... One to lie and one to listen..."
1553,"To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same."
1554,"If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!"
1555,"Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you."
1556,"I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath."
1557,"The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate."
1558,"I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning."
1559,"I didn't know angels could fly so low."
1560,"What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."
1561,"People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!"
1562,"What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday."
1563,"Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?"
1564,"Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?"
1565,"Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do."
1566,"The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it."
1567,"I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him."
1568,"How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. "
1569,"Salary is like a period  you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week."
1570,"Suicide: Mans way of telling God - ""You can't fire me, I quit""."
1571,"Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus"
1572,"You are not even beneath my contempt."
1573,"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak."
1574,"Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control."
1575,"What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running c*nt."
1576,"If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit."
1577,"I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything."
1578,"Virginity is curable."
1579,"What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."
1580,"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
1581,"Are my undies showing? [""No.""] ""Would you like them to?"""
1582,"HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!"
1583,"Burglar gently waking me... ""you live like this?"""
1584,"The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about."
1585,"A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer."
1586,"Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence."
1587,"You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force."
1588,"How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk."
1589,"Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes."
1590,"Here's to alcohol, the cause of  and solution to  all life's problems."
1591,"I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest."
1592,"The farther away the future is, the better it looks."
1593,"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
1594,"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"
1595,"It's two in the morning.  Do you know where your blankets are?"
1596,"Facebook is telling me to ""reconnect"" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday"
1597,"How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it."
1598,"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ""It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
1599,"Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen."
1600,"Our family motto is ""Who took my phone charger?"""
1601,"There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over."
1602,"If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages."
1603,"Her cooking is so bad, it would make medicine sick!"
1604,"Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty! "
1605,"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"
1606,"Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway."
1607,"Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here."
1608,"I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me."
1609,"Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill."
1610,"I've snagged so many catfish on dating sites, I'm now a licensed fisherman."
1611,"I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All."
1612,"You seem like the kind of person who always tried to open the wrong side of the milk carton in grade school."
1613,"Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy."
1614,"He died doing what he loved, checking his mentions while driving."
1615,"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."
1616,"What would we get if we'd cross one nigger and octopus? I have no idea, but it picks cotton like crazy."
1617,"Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women."
1618,"How many light bulbs does it take to change people?"
1619,"He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh"
1620,"Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
1621,"Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle."
1622,"Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch."
1623,"It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose."
1624,"What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!"
1625,"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
1626,"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."
1627,"Lite: the new way to spell ""Light,"" now with 20% fewer letters!"
1628,"When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops."
1629,"They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans."
1630,"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
1631,"This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting."
1632,"If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate."
1633,"Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it."
1634,"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
1635,"I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection."
1636,"Doggies just call it style."
1637,"I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?"
1638,"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
1639,"I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?"
1640,"If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front."
1641,"You won't drink away the alcoholism."
1642,"In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is  I don't have such a principle."
1643,"I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass."
1644,"It is said that, a way to a man's heart goes through a stomach. Aha...you might think that men go to their lovers to eat some soup."
1645,"If you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it."
1646,"You and Me = Grand Unification"
1647,"If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen."
1648,"No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse."
1649,"I run faster horny than you do scared."
1650,"Miss Anders... I didn't recognise you with your clothes on."
1651,"What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down."
1652,"My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg."
1653,"If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong."
1654,"When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging."
1655,"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
1656,"What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? The blonde has the higher sperm count."
1657,"Women are cursed, and men are the proof."
1658,"Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle."
1659,"After the weekend the most difficult task is to remember names... "
1660,"Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator."
1661,"If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?"
1662,"Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells."
1663,"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? "
1664,"My New Years resolution is 1080p."
1665,"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so."
1666,"There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice."
1667,"You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third... but I touched second."
1668,"A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, ""Oh alright, I'll stay the night."""
1669,"Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. "
1670,"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
1671,"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."
1672,"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
1673,"With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine."
1674,"A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past."
1675,"Your as worthless as, Tits on a boar hog."
1676,"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!"
1677,"I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen."
1678,"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."
1679,"Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed ""lunch order"" to ""launch order."""
1680,"Multitasking: screwing up several things at once."
1681,"Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. "
1682,"If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?"
1683,"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
1684,"I childproofed the house... but they still get in!"
1685,"A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually."
1686,"The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? ""Cause you're fatter than they are."""
1687,"He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed."
1688,"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
1689,"A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong."
1690,"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up."
1691,"I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes."
1692,"I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me."
1693,"Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one."
1694,"I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me."
1695,"The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."
1696,"A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."
1697,"I'm selling a parachute  just as new, used only one time, didn't open once."
1698,"It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat."
1699,"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!"
1700,"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
1701,"Thanks honey for rolling over at 3am and telling me I should get some sleep.In my insomnia stupor that hadn't crossed my mind."
1702,"You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it."
1703,"You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial."
1704,"I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back."
1705,"Who was the first to see a cow and think ""I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"""
1706,"What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!"
1707,"There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A... if you know what I mean."
1708,"Real men don't cry...tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body."
1709,"Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."
1710,"If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot."
1711,"A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body."
1712,"There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you."
1713,"Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting."
1714,"Keep honking. I'm reloading."
1715,"There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door."
1716,"You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul."
1717,"Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions"
1718,"That one liner 'i'm not drinking too much tonight' never goes as planned..."
1719,"When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will."
1720,"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
1721,"Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop."
1722,"Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money."
1723,"How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue."
1724,"Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything."
1725,"Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail."
1726,"What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows."
1727,"Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?"
1728,"If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco."
1729,"What is the difference betwen a blonde and a Lamborghini? You don't let your friends borrow your Lamborghini."
1730,"Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes? Because at 69 they blow a rod."
1731,"Life's a jungle let's go to your place and fuck like animals!"
1732,"What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter."
1733,"Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews."
1734,"For those who never forget a face, you are an exception."
1735,"Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less."
1736,"When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does."
1737,"It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you."
1738,"What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's."
1739,"How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner."
1740,"Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you."
1741,"Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?"
1742,"Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!"
1743,"My wife's maggot soup surprise is better than it used to be now that it is topped with coal ash."
1744,"Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic."
1745,"I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!"
1746,"One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol."
1747,"If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet."
1748,"Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no."
1749,"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
1750,"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
1751,"My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead."
1752,"Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go."
1753,"Q: Why are all blacks fast? A: The slow ones are in jail."
1754,"I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium."
1755,"If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened."
1756,"Q: What do you call a bench full of white people?A: The MLB."
1757,"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way."
1758,"Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up."
1759,"She's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book."
1760,"Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry..."
1761,"I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, ""stop shaking the ladder you cunt."""
1762,"I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice."
1763,"Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? ""Rude""olph"
1764,"The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it."
1765,"Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it."
1766,"What's your amplitude for charm-strange mixing?"
1767,"That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat."
1768,"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ""I'm going to mop the floor with your face."" I said, ""You'll be sorry."" He said, ""Oh, yeah? Why?"" I said, ""Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."""
1769,"Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind."
1770,"Don't put a question mark where God put a period. "
1771,"Q: What do you call a bunch of dead black people in a barn? A: Out dated farming equipment."
1772,"What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp. "
1773,"When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there."
1774,"Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers."
1775,"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!"
1776,"Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off."
1777,"When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman  marry three times."
1778,"Why'd the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks."
1779,"Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius."
1780,"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
1781,"What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side."
1782,"Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue."
1783,"Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away."
1784,"If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet."
1785,"A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet."
1786,"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
1787,"Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? Because it's all heart. "
1788,"Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me."
1789,"He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar. "
1790,"If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him."
1791,"How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet."
1792,"I became a vegetarian  switched to weed."
1793,"Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious."
1794,"The dogs bark but the caravan moves on."
1795,"Wanna measure the coefficient of static friction between us?"
1796,"How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!"
1797,"If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in."
1798,"Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?"
1799,"""Because it would be hilarious,"" is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president."
1800,"Only an ass can be divided in half."
1801,"Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless."
1802,"I feel like Tampax  at a good place, but wrong time..."
1803,"How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit."
1804,"I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by."
1805,"You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen."
1806,"Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret."
1807,"What do you call a black with no arms? Trustworthy."
1808,"Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming."
1809,"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
1810,"I thought you'd be flattered that my dog found your leg so attractive."
1811,"Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together."
1812,"Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers."
1813,"Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake."
1814,"My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company..."
1815,"What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once. "
1816,"Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested."
1817,"Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they are used to eating nuts!"
1818,"I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one."
1819,"Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions."
1820,"Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young."
1821,"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals."
1822,"There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
1823,"She's so fat, she fell down and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up!"
1824,"If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?"
1825,"Coldplay is like depression you can hear."
1826,"Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity."
1827,"Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!"
1828,"We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means."
1829,"If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year."
1830,"What's six inches long that women love? Folding money."
1831,"Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?"
1832,"What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? ""I'm sweet on you!"" "
1833,"Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)"
1834,"Baby you're so cute you made my page 404."
1835,"If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?"
1836,"How do you stop a fish from smelling? Cut its nose off."
1837,"Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him."
1838,"It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up."
1839,"One head is ok, but a whole body is much better."
1840,"Well, this day was a total waste of makeup."
1841,"This must be the 8th castle because I just found my princess."
1842,"May you never leave your marriage alive."
1843,"People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with ""lol"" should be shot."
1844,"My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked."
1845,"If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong."
1846,"I'm an antisocial-psychic. I can see ahead of time that I won't want to talk to you."
1847,"I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away."
1848,"My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle."
1849,"My ""it's cold outside"" post just went viral on Facebook."
1850,"Haven't seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too."
1851,"A pedigree bulldog missing. Founders  rest in peace.'"
1852,"I start every conversation with my employees by saying, ""I shouldn't be telling you this"" just so I know they will listen."
1853,"I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it."
1854,"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
1855,"To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential."
1856,"The truth is out there; it just hasn't been indexed well."
1857,"Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?"
1858,"A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?"
1859,"If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging."
1860,"If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time."
1861,"I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people."
1862,"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
1863,"My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, ""Everyone just eats it."""
1864,"Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man? The Book of Job."
1865,"Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!"
1866,"Don't worry honey, they call it my dual-channel RAM."
1867,"If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?"
1868,"Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."
1869,"Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested."
1870,"Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die."
1871,"Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why."
1872,"Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education! "
1873,"Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock."
1874,"Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!"
1875,"What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!"
1876,"If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English..."
1877,"The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth."
1878,"""Tired"" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point."
1879,"What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!"
1880,"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
1881,"If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?"
1882,"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's marriage."
1883,"My drinking team has a bowling problem."
1884,"How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!"
1885,"Hey baby, I'm a power source, and you're the kind of resistor i'd like to deliver my load to."
1886,"Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier."
1887,"Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says ""If an emergency, notify:"" I put ""DOCTOR"". What's my mother going to do?"
1888,"I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet."
1889,"Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful."
1890,"The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby."
1891,"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish."
1892,"How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it."
1893,"Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls."
1894,"I'm not racist, my shadow is black. "
1895,"What does NAACP stand for? National Association of Apes Called People."
1896,"A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ""Is this some kind of joke?"""
1897,"Do you know if pigs have periods?' Are you kidding me? What idiot would keep a pig until she's 14?'"
1898,"A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily..."
1899,"I hate when someone wants to have sex with me for superficial reasons before they even know how funny."
1900,"I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar."
1901,"Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child  I wanted a dog."
1902,"Im not saying I'm number one, uh sorry I lied I'm number one two three four and five."
1903,"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
1904,"Some people are so poor, all they have is money."
1905,"My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan."
1906,"Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids... ... ...Eat them!"
1907,"I'm a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country."
1908,"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
1909,"All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies."
1910,"Diplomacy is saying ""nice doggy"" until you find a big rock."
1911,"There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot."
1912,"What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th? I only have eyes for ewe, dear "
1913,"You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg."
1914,"What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers! "
1915,"Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth."
1916,"If there's a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I've not heard of it."
1917,"What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an ""A"" bra."
1918,"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
1919,"I cropped my kids out of my online dating profile photos. They can find their own dates."
1920,"What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip. "
1921,"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
1922,"Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?"
1923,"Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head."
1924,"Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids."
1925,"Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."
1926,"They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck."
1927,"Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions."
1928,"Why did God put men on the Earth? Becuase a vibrator can't mow the lawn."
1929,"Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken."
1930,"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research."
1931,"Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?"
1932,"Good girls are bad girls that never get caught."
1933,"WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing."
1934,"My dad finally left me a voicemail where  he didn't introduce himself. I think we're getting closer."
1935,"The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you."
1936,"I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me."
1937,"What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men."
1938,"Muy Picante: What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!"
1939,"Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven't even touched it."
1940,"Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job."
1941,"Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept."
1942,"My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof."
1943,"Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils."
1944,"I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part."
1945,"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
1946,"When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen."
1947,"You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, ""concentrate""."
1948,"I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn."
1949,"The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma."
1950,"What's the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ""quickie"", only you do it yourself."
1951,"The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously."
1952,"How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg? Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor."
1953,"It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month."
1954,"I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you."
1955,"I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!"
1956,"Can you say three two-letter words that mean small? Is it in?"
1957,"How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked."
1958,"What do you give the blonde that has everything? Penicillin."
1959,"Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. *Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.*"
1960,"Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!"
1961,"""Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?"""
1962,"Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex."
1963,"What is the thinnest book in the world? ""What Men Know About Women"""
1964,"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
1965,"How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits."
1966,"What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? ""I'm stuck on you!"""
1967,"What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex."
1968,"There's a reason it's called ""girls gone wild"" and not ""women gone wild"". When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub."
1969,"All men are idiots...and I married their king."
1970,"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
1971,"You are one well-defined function!"
1972,"Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician."
1973,"Cake: the answer, no matter the question."
1974,"Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator."
1975,"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
1976,"If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back."
1977,"How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction."
1978,"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
1979,"She is not my reword, I am her punishment."
1980,"A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly."
1981,"If you say ""I knew you were going to say that"" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings."
1982,"Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple. "
1983,"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef."
1984,"A woman is like a suitcase: both hard to carry and a pity to throw away."
1985,"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."
1986,"You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word."
1987,"How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up."
1988,"God grades on the cross, not the curve."
1989,"You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged."
1990,"There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers."
1991,"Why are there 5 syllables in the word ""monosyllabic""?"
1992,"And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars."
1993,"Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name."
1994,"I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels."
1995,"Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want  ice cream or beer."
1996,"What u call 10 black people in the back of a truck? A good days hunting."
1997,"Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?"
1998,"I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me."
1999,"What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? Come in eight flavors."
2000,"Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I."
2001,"Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?"
2002,"Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. "
2003,"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."
2004,"Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't get a date. "
2005,"When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young."
2006,"Sometimes I think I am a bad mother because I don't like wine."
2007,"Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes."
2008,"What has four legs but can't walk? A chair."
2009,"The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth."
2010,"I used to be in a band, we were called 'lost dog'. You probably saw our posters."
2011,"Everything is edible, some things are only edible once."
2012,"How do they say ""fuck you"" in Los Angeles? ""Trust me."""
2013,"What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants."
2014,"Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called ""Headmaster?"""
2015,"Why is a bra singular and panties plural?"
2016,"Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible."
2017,"Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it."
2018,"You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon"
2019,"Cells multiply by dividing."
2020,"What's one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job? The view."
2021,"What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez."
2022,"Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: *never stops screaming*"
2023,"I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen."
2024,"My best toys run on batteries"
2025,"If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home."
2026,"It's not what man can create it's what man can become."
2027,"That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently."
2028,"I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive."
2029,"I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are."
2030,"Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack."
2031,"What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!"
2032,"Approach a woman in a bar and whisper ""Hey, wanna get out of here?"" If she says yes, you can sit where she was."
2033,"Wanna play guns? Bend over and I'll cock you."
2034,"What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!"
2035,"A girl has to get in bed before 8 p.m. so she can come home at 11."
2036,"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."
2037,"What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around."
2038,"I really lack the words to compliment myself today."
2039,"You're so beautiful that last night you made me forget my pickup line."
2040,"What goes up and never comes down? Your age!"
2041,"Being an ugly girl is like being a man......you have to work"
2042,"How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way! "
2043,"You have enough fat to make another human."
2044,"It's a pleasure to see you and another  not to see."
2045,"Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible."
2046,"Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there."
2047,"Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice."
2048,"Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents."
2049,"Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself."
2050,"Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower."
2051,"A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture."
2052,"If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!"
2053,"Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare."
2054,"Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have."
2055,"Are you a shark, cause I got some swimmers for you to swallow."
2056,"Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots."
2057,"Q:What is the population of Antarctica A: All white."
2058,"I have all the money I'll ever need  if I die by 4:00 p.m. today."
2059,"Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust."
2060,"After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs. If my wife finds out, she'll fucking kill me."
2061,"Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."
2062,"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
2063,"If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?"
2064,"Why do women pierce their bellybutton? Place to hang their air freshener."
2065,"Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip."
2066,"What do you call a black guy who goes to college? A Basketball player."
2067,"Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before."
2068,"A woman's favorite position is CEO."
2069,"What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink."
2070,"What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Hide-and-go-seek winner from last year."
2071,"What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet! "
2072,"What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger? Someone who is too lazy to steal."
2073,"Whats long and hard on a nigger? First grade. "
2074,"Why are aspirins white? Because they work."
2075,"He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory."
2076,"What's red and white, red and white, red and white? Sant rolling off your roof."
2077,"Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently."
2078,"Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 8' to 11' tall."
2079,"Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go."
2080,"The best curve on a girl is her smile...  Naw just kiddin, look at dat ass."
2081,"Currently the flower business is blooming."
2082,"Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand."
2083,"It is said that, you can't buy happiness. You only need to know the right places..."
2084,"If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty."
2085,"How does a blonde high-five? She smacks herself in the forehead. "
2086,"Hi, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual."
2087,"Where is the best place to hide a nigger's food stamps? Under his work boots."
2088,"How do men define a ""50/50"" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle."
2089,"I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory."
2090,"A wife is like a boomerang  the harder you throw the faster she comes back."
2091,"3-year-old: What's a swear word?Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.3:Me:3: Is my middle name a swear word?"
2092,"If a wife is silent and not arguing  it means she's sleeping."
2093,"Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem."
2094,"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
2095,"I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife."
2096,"I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores."
2097,"Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose."
2098,"I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again."
2099,"I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I'm in a marching band."
2100,"I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
2101,"Hey gurl, how about you make the Patriots and deflate these balls."
2102,"The national debt isn't the only thing that's rising."
2103,"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."
2104,"You must work at subway...cause you`re givin` me a foot long."
2105,"What is better than a cold Bud? A warm bush."
2106,"Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken."
2107,"My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife."
2108,"Wow, this article looks awesome.*clicks link**finds out it's a slideshow**throws computer out the window*"
2109,"What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses! "
2110,"If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?"
2111,"The last chapter of every book should just be all the characters acting completely terrified because their world is about to end."
2112,"Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: ""There's a naked person outside!"""
2113,"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."
2114,"Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."
2115,"Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes."
2116,"You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice."
2117,"I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses."
2118,"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
2119,"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
2120,"I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth."
2121,"She's so ugly, she made a freight train take a dirt road!"
2122,"Life is too complicated in the morning."
2123,"I read somewhere that Alligators only have to eat once every three weeks... if only that Disney Alligator could have waited one more day."
2124,"If you rearrange the letters in ""Vladimir Putin"" you get murdered."
2125,"What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."
2126,"How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them."
2127,"What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow."
2128,"Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll."
2129,"You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, Fuck it  just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'."
2130,"It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime."
2131,"What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes."
2132,"Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?"
2133,"Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher."
2134,"Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes."
2135,"What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms."
2136,"Anal intercourse is for assholes."
2137,"I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready."
2138,"Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9."
2139,"Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell."
2140,"Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside."
2141,"Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission."
2142,"What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler."
2143,"Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said ""I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"""
2144,"God must love stupid people. He made SO many."
2145,"Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa."
2146,"Wine improves with age. I improve with wine."
2147,"How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!"
2148,"Men, if you have met your dream girl, materialize her."
2149,"""Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."""
2150,"If you were a browser, you'd be called FireFoxy."
2151,"[man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me.... I said u look really fat in those pants!"
2152,"If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you."
2153,"What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip."
2154,"Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there."
2155,"To avoid a collision I ran into the other car."
2156,"Age is just the number of hours I'm hungover for."
2157,"When they start getting the 5-day forecast right then maybe I'll listen to their climate change theories."
2158,"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
2159,"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
2160,"I got drunk last night and my house wasn't where I left it."
2161,"If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch."
2162,"Hey baby, if I supply the voltage and you some resistance, imagine the current we can make together."
2163,"The longer you sleep  the more sleep you need. The more you eat  the bigger is your appetite."
2164,"If I was smarter, I would know so much more stuff."
2165,"Women think about sex every 7 seconds. Just not with you."
2166,"Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists."
2167,"Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you."
2168,"Girls wanting giant ass teddy bears, & VS bags, and bouquets of underwear for valentines day. Just give me some pizza & I'll love u forever."
2169,"Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! "
2170,"Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it."
2171,"Is pikachu called pikachu because he always say pikachu or is he saying pikachu because he is pikachu?"
2172,"If you want to hide your face, go out naked."
2173,"When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?"
2174,"Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?"
2175,"When in doubt, mumble."
2176,"My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S."
2177,"Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention."
2178,"Just remember ...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
2179,"I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided."
2180,"I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours."
2181,"Hallmark Card: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."""
2182,"The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do."
2183,"Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it."
2184,"Where the woman's neck ends the infinity begins."
2185,"I can't decide which room not to clean first."
2186,"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
2187,"Q: How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, ""man, I could do that!"""
2188,"Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?"
2189,"Virginity is not dignity, but lack of opportunity."
2190,"All panties aside, it's Friday."
2191,"A committee is twelve men doing the work of one."
2192,"My five-year-old: ""I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!"" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference."
2193,"Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications."
2194,"If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom."
2195,"My room + internet connection + music + food  homework = perfect day."
2196,"S.I.N.G.L.E...sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!"
2197,"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
2198,"Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever."
2199,"What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!"
2200,"You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon."
2201,"I think I've discovered my supersymmetric partner."
2202,"Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted."
2203,"I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!"
2204,"What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that."
2205,"In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way."
2206,"Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work."
2207,"How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker."
2208,"Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?"
2209,"I can't stand being in a wheelchair."
2210,"What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!"
2211,"There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically."
2212,"Politics is just show business for ugly people."
2213,"If you don't like my opinion of you  improve yourself!"
2214,"I rang up British Telecom, I said, ""I want to report a nuisance caller"", he said ""Not you again"". "
2215,"Spent 15min tracing a suspicious noise that tuned out to be the lid not screwed on the Coke bottle tightly enough. If you need a top sleuth."
2216,"I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long."
2217,"Men read Playboy for the articles, women go to malls for the music."
2218,"I'm sure there's a supplement I could take or another easy solution to cure my laziness. Someone look into it for me."
2219,"It's not love until you don't want them to have a good time without you."
2220,"Laziness Level: I get jealous when it's bedtime in other countries"
2221,"Hello, you've reached 1-800-NARCISSIST, how can you help me?"
2222,"Useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones."
2223,"My wine drinking is merely functional... My personality is better with a little marinade."
2224,"Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice."
2225,"It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, ""close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over."""
2226,"I like the way your medication thinks."
2227,"My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know."
2228,"I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell."
2229,"April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are."
2230,"How do you fix a woman's watch? Why should you? There's a clock on the oven."
2231,"I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen."
2232,"Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. ""So it's like any other day."""
2233,"I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story."
2234,"Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel."
2235,"Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!"
2236,"You were beautiful in my dreams, but a fucking nightmare in reality."
2237,"Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant."
2238,"A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her  follows you behind."
2239,"You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly."
2240,"How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!"
2241,"Don't feel sad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too."
2242,"How can you make a gay man scream twice? Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains."
2243,"What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling."
2244,"You know youre fifty when your chiropractor sends you birthday cards."
2245,"Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!"
2246,"A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job."
2247,"What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine."
2248,"What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds. "
2249,"You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway."
2250,"What's yellow and black and makes you laugh: A bus full of niggers going over a cliff."
2251,"How do you tell if a chick's too fat to f*ck? When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them."
2252,"Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?"
2253,"Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!"
2254,"You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them."
2255,"A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man."
2256,"Sports do not build character. They reveal it."
2257,"What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? He cracked up."
2258,"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."
2259,"I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree."
2260,"A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ""Pint please, and one for the road."" "
2261,"My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say ""Now son, this may hurt a bit""."
2262,"I may not be Dairy Queen, baby, but I'll treat you right!"
2263,"Why are Scientology and Proctology alike? It's all a load of shit."
2264,"Getting a red heart instead of a yellow star makes me feel like things are moving a little too fast between us."
2265,"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."
2266,"You must be an angel, because your texture mapping is so divine!"
2267,"Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him."
2268,"What did the prostitute say after fucking Jesus? Nailed it!"
2269,"RSVP: yes         no                      yes now but then no later on"
2270,"You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list."
2271,"What did one candle say to the other? ""Don't birthdays burn you up?"""
2272,"There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses. "
2273,"I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I'll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I'd do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets."
2274,"What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again."
2275,"Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough."
2276,"Hear about the new gay sitcom? ""Leave it, it's Beaver."" "
2277,"Why do women prefer old gynecologists? Their shaky hands!"
2278,"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
2279,"When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
2280,"You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone."
2281,"It's better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous."
2282,"Sugar - Honey - Iced - Tea ... Guess what it means."
2283,"There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable..."
2284,"My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not."
2285,"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant."
2286,"What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up. "
2287,"The only reason I've been going out with  this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill."
2288,"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass."
2289,"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
2290,"They lie about marijuana: ""Marijuana makes you unmotivated."" Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fucking effort. There's a difference."
2291,"I'd advise you graduates to keep your graduation gown. It's the only outfit you might not outgrow."
2292,"How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things."
2293,"30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown."
2294,"The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income."
2295,"How do you keep black people out of your back yard? Hang one in the front!"
2296,"Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?"
2297,"What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. "
2298,"What's the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go into a store without robin."
2299,"What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?"
2300,"How do 5 gay men walk? One Direction!"
2301,"What goes ""oh oh oh""? Santa walking backwards."
2302,"The three words most hated by men during sex? ""Are you In?"" or ""Is It In?"""
2303,"The best way to remember your 21st birthday, is not at all. Have fun blacking out."
2304,"To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes."
2305,"How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!"
2306,"Do you think they named April Fool's Day in your honor?"
2307,"A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend."
2308,"Say what you want about deaf people..."
2309,"Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel."
2310,"(NAME) is a terrific athlete. He recently ran the London Marathon  he was aiming for 3 hours but just missed it! he made it in 3 hrs 150 minutes"
2311,"What s the difference between a goodyear and a fucking good year? 365 condoms."
2312,"I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant."
2313,"Great big polar bear(she says what?) It broke the ice!"
2314,"Your pussy is in more danger than a seal during Shark Week."
2315,"Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one."
2316,"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
2317,"I think, therefore I'm single."
2318,"If she says, ""I'm OK,"" you're fine. If she says, ""I'm Fine,"" You're not OK."
2319,"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ""Lady take your purse."""
2320,"If a woman gave in very fast it's not because of the man but the men that came before him."
2321,"What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on."
2322,"Legends don't die... I am a living example!"
2323,"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
2324,"What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants! "
2325,"She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction."
2326,"I bet Egyptians were all like ""Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do"" and then came the internet."
2327,"He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!"
2328,"What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full."
2329,"It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!"
2330,"It's gonna be ok."
2331,"Without ME, it's just AWESO."
2332,"What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!"
2333,"Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? (no) me neither but enough to break the ice, hi my name is ....."
2334,"The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself ""This changes everything""."
2335,"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
2336,"Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!"
2337,"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
2338,"When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?"
2339,"Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard."
2340,"Save the whales. Collect the whole set."
2341,"He who hesitates is boss."
2342,"Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore."
2343,"What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids."
2344,"Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small."
2345,"Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers."
2346,"Like arguing with a forest fire."
2347,"""Why don't you trust me?"", she texted both the guys simultaneously."
2348,"If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them."
2349,"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."
2350,"How does a farmer count cows? with a cow-calculator."
2351,"You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast."
2352,"I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey."
2353,"My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence"
2354,"Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso."
2355,"I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking."
2356,"Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious"
2357,"My love for you is like a fart. Everything about it is powered by my heart."
2358,"How do blonde braincells die? Alone. "
2359,"My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already."
2360,"Why don't witches wear panties? They get a better grip on their brooms!"
2361,"What did God say when he saw the first black person? Ooops, I burnt one!"
2362,"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone."
2363,"I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying."
2364,"The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she's pretty he's not my friend."
2365,"My mother + my father  condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!"
2366,"What do bees do with their honey? They cell it."
2367,"You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best."
2368,"Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair."
2369,"A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses  medicine."
2370,"Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot."
2371,"I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself."
2372,"It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife."
2373,"Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. "
2374,"What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks"
2375,"Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts."
2376,"Nutella: A reason to buy bread."
2377,"How about we do some peer-to-peer sharing? Your domain or mine?"
2378,"Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?"
2379,"Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it's called #Monday, please fix it..."
2380,"Excuse me, but do you like whales? (yeah, why) Cause I was thinking that we could ""humpback"" at my place."
2381,"Why do blacks raise chickens? To teach their kids how to walk."
2382,"Wanna meet Santa's little helper?"
2383,"You're so poor I saw you kicking a can across the street I asked you what you were doing you said moving."
2384,"What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? ""What the Fuck!"" and ""What a Fuck!"""
2385,"Baby, let's configure our hard drives in master and slave position."
2386,"The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him."
2387,"Constipated people don't give a crap."
2388,"If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?"
2389,"Man's appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows."
2390,"Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins."
2391,"You're not sure  outrun and make sure."
2392,"Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch!"
2393,"If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it ""breakfast""?"
2394,"I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am."
2395,"You might not be a Bulls fan, but I know you felt it when this D rose."
2396,"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse."
2397,"If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane."
2398,"I don't care who you are, but if you're reading this I still don't care."
2399,"I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, ""I'm peeing in here!"" Fucking b*tch."
2400,"I sent an angel to watch over you last night but he came back saying he can't watch porn..."
2401,"Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those ""evolutionary things"" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink."
2402,"How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees."
2403,"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her."
2404,"I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said ""WHERE""?"
2405,"Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him."
2406,"Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?"
2407,"How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy."
2408,"You should know, that no one understood it was an April fool's joke because no one expected you have a sense of humor."
2409,"Why are black guys eyes red after sex? From the pepper spray."
2410,"Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? Who cares?"
2411,"My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It's $100 on me and $500 on her."
2412,"What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12."
2413,"Looking at you is getting my dick harder than Chuck Norris"
2414,"You smell like trash..... Can I take you out?"
2415,"No matter what has happened. No matter what you've done. No matter what you will do. I will always love you. I swear it."
2416,"If you love a woman, you shouldn't be ashamed to show her to your wife."
2417,"What do you call 100 blacks buried up to their necks? Afroturf."
2418,"Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened."
2419,"Everything is rightly confused."
2420,"Careful! Angry dog in the backyard! Please do not crush him."
2421,"When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says ""hey, I just wanna be friends."""
2422,"I bet we can get into some serious Treble together."
2423,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take a minute for me to get hard I just got laid by a chick"
2424,"I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem."
2425,"Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow."
2426,"Don't make me use UPPERCASE."
2427,"My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant."
2428,"I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch."
2429,"Tarzan doesn't have a beard. Yet he lives in the jungle for over 30 years."
2430,"Twitter is just LinkedIn for the chronically unemployed."
2431,"A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist."
2432,"A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it."
2433,"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. "
2434,"Rape is a terrible crime... I'll never understand how a man can traumatize a woman like that. That's why I always make sure they don't remember..."
2435,"A hard thing about a business is minding your own."
2436,"Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry gave you a tan."
2437,"The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later."
2438,"Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?"
2439,"Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine."
2440,"We are all part of the ultimate statistic  ten out of ten die."
2441,"Ready for the only way to enjoy Instagram? Follow zero people. Follow every dog."
2442,"What is live? Life is love. Whats love? Love is kissing. Whats kissing? Come here and I show you."
2443,"Anyone have any sex laying around they're not using I could borrow?"
2444,"What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float? You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it."
2445,"I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things."
2446,"Nothing spoils the target more than a hit."
2447,"The fantasy part of fantasy football is that 10 wives would all let their husbands out on the same night for the draft."
2448,"Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?"
2449,"He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged."
2450,"Hey baby, what's your resonance frequency?"
2451,"Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface."
2452,"Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears."
2453,"Honk all you want, but if I don't eat these donuts at this green light I'll have to share them at home."
2454,"Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time."
2455,"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West."
2456,"They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs."
2457,"What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration."
2458,"Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. "
2459,"Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems."
2460,"Hey baby, there's an OverflowException in my pants, care to handle it for me?"
2461,"If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong ..."
2462,"If we were stranded in a desert and a snake bit my penis, would you suck the poison out?"
2463,"What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her."
2464,"By the cup of Nescafe even the most secret thoughts turn into words, and by the bottle of vodka  into actions."
2465,"Squirrels  nature's speed bumps."
2466,"Evolution: True science fiction."
2467,"I'd like to say the best moment of a woman's life is giving birth, but it's actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat."
2468,"Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home?"
2469,"What do toys and boobs have in common? Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most."
2470,"Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween."
2471,"I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
2472,"What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull."
2473,"What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice? Her: What? You: It breaks the ice. Hi, i'm (your name)"
2474,"How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work."
2475,"How did they invent break dancing? Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car."
2476,"My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas."
2477,"I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant."
2478,"(NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him."
2479,"I love oral sex... it's the phone bill I hate."
2480,"Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."
2481,"Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!"
2482,"Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract."
2483,"If I followed you home, would you keep me?"
2484,"I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves."
2485,"Boy: Have u ever been fishing before Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!"
2486,"A wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary."
2487,"An asteroid 1,200 light years away has a 0.6% chance of colliding with the Earth, and you all just walking around like everything is fine."
2488,"I've got my ion you, baby!"
2489,"What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? ""I love you a ton!"""
2490,"What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes."
2491,"I want you more then a Hagen-Daas on a hot summer day."
2492,"The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing."
2493,"Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!"
2494,"A rolling stone... somebody pushed it."
2495,"How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year."
2496,"You are so tall in my eyes that they can't rise higher than your waist."
2497,"My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order."
2498,"If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator."
2499,"I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!"
2500,"Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true."
2501,"What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? Nice tits!"
2502,"Is your name Summer? Coz you're HOT!"
2503,"How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs."
2504,"Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit."
2505,"What do you say we make this a Not-so-Silent Night?"
2506,"Paid love costs less."
2507,"How can you tell a black person is lying? His lips are moving."
2508,"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."
2509,"What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up."
2510,"My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning."
2511,"What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean. "
2512,"Why do men masturbate? it is sex with someone they love"
2513,"Nobody puts Baby in a corner."
2514,"I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten.."
2515,"You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."
2516,"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."
2517,"Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind."
2518,"Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency?"
2519,"I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person."
2520,"What did one ghost say to another ghost? ""Do you believe in people?"""
2521,"Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner."
2522,"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action."
2523,"Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year."
2524,"Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'"
2525,"No one is listening until you fart."
2526,"Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list"
2527,"Why don't you slip into something more comfortable ...like a coma."
2528,"Are you a termite? Cause you're about to have a mouth full of wood."
2529,"Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius! "
2530,"If I can't buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop."
2531,"What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds."
2532,"If you want to change your life significantly just walk to the Mercedes-Benz 600 standing at the junction, take a brick and throw it into the windshield."
2533,"You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you."
2534,"My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we're playing the lottery 3-5 times per week."
2535,"An ad at the zoo: Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!'"
2536,"I am a virtuous woman, that's why I cost more!"
2537,"I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice."
2538,"I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl."
2539,"I'm typically attracted to guys who look like I'll need therapy after dating them."
2540,"Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car."
2541,"If you didn't take a selfie at the gym, were you really there?"
2542,"Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!"
2543,"Why don't vampires go south of the border? Because every time they suck a Mexican's blood, they get the vshits for a month."
2544,"George washington said ""We would have a black president when pigs fly!"" ... well, swine flu."
2545,"Is that shirt (those pants) mad of camel skin? (No, why?) Cause I noticed the humps!"
2546,"What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!"
2547,"Do people who go to the gym to ""feel the burn"" know nothing of Mexican food?"
2548,"Knock, knock. ""Who's there?"" ""Annie."" ""Annie who?"" ""Annie body home?"""
2549,"What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? ""Are you done?"""
2550,"You are depriving some poor village of its idiot."
2551,"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff... and I want it (:"
2552,"My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house"
2553,"Why is the book ""Women Who Love Too Much"" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers."
2554,"How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery."
2555,"If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between ""shit"" and ""syphilis"""
2556,"I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs."
2557,"Next time you wave, use all your fingers."
2558,"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
2559,"Good women are found in every corner of the earth. Unfortunately earth is round."
2560,"Hi, Can I domesticate you?"
2561,"I've been thinking about you...Owl night long."
2562,"Don't drink and drive, might hit a bump and spill it."
2563,"Sex to a man is like hunger. If he can't get into an expensive French restaurant, he will go to McDonalds."
2564,"Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place."
2565,"Apparently, saying ""Wow, you've grown since I last saw you"" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults."
2566,"Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong."
2567,"There is no ""me"" in team. No, wait, yes there is!"
2568,"What will it take to reunite Nirvana? Two more bullets."
2569,"Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable."
2570,"If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child."
2571,"I've had so much to drink that you're beginning to look good."
2572,"Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs."
2573,"Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? The rest are hunting peckers."
2574,"Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever."
2575,"Pakistan army will never try to win the war against India, someone told them winner has to speak English on live television."
2576,"A woman about sex has to know why?' and a man where?'"
2577,"I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
2578,"How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path."
2579,"What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?"
2580,"Who's your friend?"
2581,"I don't want your candy, what I really want is your number."
2582,"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools."
2583,"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."
2584,"When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!"
2585,"Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good."
2586,"Your so dense, light must bend around you."
2587,"How does one know a man is going to say something smart?..His senentences start with ""A woman once told me.."""
2588,"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
2589,"Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly."
2590,"It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody..."
2591,"If I was a squirrel I'd chuck my nuts in your hole!"
2592,"How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?"
2593,"Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day."
2594,"What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray!"
2595,"What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. "
2596,"A woman is like a parachute  can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one."
2597,"Don't tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you."
2598,"Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final."
2599,"Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?"
2600,"See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil."
2601,"How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black? Ever try and take a rib from a black."
2602,"Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his."
2603,"I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come... Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left."
2604,"What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?"
2605,"Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?"
2606,"How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!"
2607,"Loneliness is when you get an e-mail but it's from the newsgroup server."
2608,"A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate."
2609,"Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!"
2610,"Might I integrate your curves tonight?"
2611,"Do you play volleyball? Because you look like your good on ur knees!"
2612,"Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? ""They'll never see you coming."""
2613,"Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married."
2614,"What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? They both drip when they're fucked."
2615,"What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!"
2616,"Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to...? *6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to...? *6 blinks M:  6: Luke's dad?"
2617,"How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him."
2618,"Why did God create black men? So fat white girls could dance (and get laid)."
2619,"What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own."
2620,"Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him."
2621,"I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
2622,"What is Dracula's favorite fruit? A nectarine."
2623,"New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar."
2624,"Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving."
2625,"The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you."
2626,"Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now."
2627,"Never trust a man that says, ""Trust me."" and never trust a woman that says ""It's fine."""
2628,"How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini."
2629,"You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves."
2630,"I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported."
2631,"I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy."
2632,"The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him."
2633,"So many boys, such little minds. "
2634,"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick."
2635,"Vegetarian: Native American definition for ""lousy hunter""."
2636,"I hugged someone once and they expected it every time they saw me. I'll never do that again."
2637,"Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning."
2638,"Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game? There was a face-off in the corner."
2639,"I hate when I'm singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics."
2640,"Do you know karate? Cause your body's kickin!"
2641,"I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90."
2642,"That's not a candy cane in my pocket. I'm just glad to see you!"
2643,"Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?"
2644,"Is your name Jingle Bells, cause you look like you go all the way"
2645,"What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window."
2646,"Believe me if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows!"
2647,"Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates.....(Why?) Cause I want to take your top off."
2648,"Why do women have vaginas? So men will talk to them."
2649,"You don't sweat much for a fat chick."
2650,"Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color."
2651,"The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings."
2652,"To the question What are you doing here?' 72% answered negative."
2653,"A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste."
2654,"Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending? Because they needed to be ad-dressed! "
2655,"Dogs have masters. Cats have staff."
2656,"Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? For the chance to gain some experience in the service."
2657,"Women who seek to be equal to men...LACK AMBITION!"
2658,"How do you get a black man out of a tree? Cut the rope."
2659,"The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. "
2660,"Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy."
2661,"Why don't women have men's brains?Because they don't have penises to put them in."
2662,"Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel"
2663,"You are my methods. I am nothing without you."
2664,"Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I'll give you sudo access."
2665,"What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!"
2666,"With a calendar, your days are numbered."
2667,"A man is running after a woman, just until she catches him."
2668,"It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living."
2669,"Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself."
2670,"A women's work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do."
2671,"Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites ! "
2672,"I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments."
2673,"Why did God give Black guy's big dicks? He felt sorry for putting pubes on their heads."
2674,"A day without sunshine is like, well, night."
2675,"What is the definition of ""making love""? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her."
2676,"I have three kids, one of each."
2677,"What is a vampire's sweetheart called? His ghoul-friend. "
2678,"Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana."
2679,"Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag? A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer."
2680,"I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion."
2681,"Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you've gotten."
2682,"How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in and another to stand around and say 'FABULOUS!'"
2683,"You need some more fuel for that fire? Cause I got some wood for you right here."
2684,"Please, Lady, come home with me. You never know what I'll turn into, at midnight!"
2685,"I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects."
2686,"That whole ""letting go"" of your ex is always more satisfying when they're dangling over an abyss."
2687,"You're like a fat stump, I'm always falling over you."
2688,"I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
2689,"You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter"
2690,"If anything is used to its full potential, it will break."
2691,"Do you know what a Timberwolf is? No. Thats a guy that chases a girl up a tree and kisses her inbetween the limbs."
2692,"When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track."
2693,"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."
2694,"I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes."
2695,"If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority."
2696,"What makes you think this is my first time?"
2697,"I always wanted to be just like my mother. Today I'm working on dramatically clutching my throat when I'm told the price of anything."
2698,"When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why."
2699,"How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes."
2700,"Q: What's that thing called when you're only attracted to married men and gay men?A: Oh. Single. It's called single."
2701,"A waist is a terrible thing to mind."
2702,"Change your Facebook Status to ""I'm Pregnant"" or ""I'm Engaged"" and watch the April Fools LIKE & Comment away."
2703,"Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!"
2704,"Hey baby, I heard that rabbits, can make 150 babies a year, how many do you think we can make in an hour?"
2705,"What pants do ghosts wear? BOO jeans."
2706,"Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank."
2707,"Screw the nice list, I've got you on my ""nice and naughty list!"
2708,"How do you start a black parade? Roll a 40 down the street."
2709,"Why don t women have men s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in"
2710,"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
2711,"How do you starve a black man? Put his food stamps in his work boots."
2712,"Relationship between men and women is psychological. She is psycho and he is logical."
2713,"I'll get you wetter than a Scottish summer."
2714,"You know I would love to show you the toys my elves make for adults."
2715,"Lets role play I'll be Osama, You be a cave, and I'll hide up inside you"
2716,"We all have one ginger friend that claims to be ""strawberry blonde""."
2717,"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday."
2718,"Why don't you remove those barriers to imports? It will ease my inflation and the benefits will trickle down."
2719,"What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!"
2720,"My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left."
2721,"I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my like on Facebook you better bring it."
2722,"Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. "
2723,"I drink to forget that I accidentally once said ""I love you"" when ending a call with a customer service rep."
2724,"And on the sixth day, God created man first so that he could enjoy a few minutes on Earth without saying the wrong thing to a woman."
2725,"When I asked if you'd like to go out on a date sometime, I meant with me."
2726,"My wife told me: ""Sex is better on holiday."" That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive."
2727,"Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open."
2728,"Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true."
2729,"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"
2730,"It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot."
2731,"I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you."
2732,"Despite my last 12,000 tweets, I'm actually really fun."
2733,"What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day? Ughs and kisses!"
2734,"When there are no volunteers, they get appointed."
2735,"Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic."
2736,"Sorry I missed your call, I was busy seeing how many times my phone would ring before you gave up."
2737,"I have the Emergency Alert Warning sound set as the ringtone for when my wife calls."
2738,"Did you hear about Ku Klux Knievel? He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steam roller."
2739,"What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!"
2740,"I want to do to your body what Mitt Romney does to poor people."
2741,"My favorite part of grocery shopping is rushing home to look at the shopping list on my counter to see what I forgot to buy."
2742,"Is your name country crock, cause you can spread for me anytime."
2743,"Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on."
2744,"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas."
2745,"I'm making a film about emos. I really need to stop saying ""cut!"" at the end of each scene."
2746,"Shut up, will you?"" ""Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?"
2747,"How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years."
2748,"5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby? Me: I helped 5: How? Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions"
2749,"Why the chicken cross the road? To look for his cock."
2750,"You haven't texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok?"
2751,"In my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby."
2752,"Do fish get thirsty?"
2753,"What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table."
2754,"Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house."
2755,"Being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen. On the one hand it is a great honour, but you dread the moment when you have to rise to perform."
2756,"Wanna expand my polynomial?"
2757,"Girl, we can play zoo..and you can tame my monkey"
2758,"Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit!"
2759,"How about I slip down your chimney, at half past midnight?"
2760,"If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? A hole in it."
2761,"What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry."
2762,"Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly."
2763,"She's so ugly, the fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
2764,"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed."
2765,"The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. "
2766,"I want to ask you out, but I've got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots. And.."
2767,"Did you hear about the homosexual letter? Only came in male boxes."
2768,"If you were a basketball, could I drive you, and lay you up?"
2769,"Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time."
2770,"I organized a threesome for (NAME)'s last night of freedom. There were a couple of no-shows, but he still had fun."
2771,"Want to take a look at my benefit package?"
2772,"If you were a pole I would dance all over you."
2773,"My wife hired a fact checker for when we argue."
2774,"Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you."
2775,"Are your pants from outer space or is your butt just out of this world?"
2776,"If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?"
2777,"Those days I only knew six words if you count muther fucker as two."
2778,"My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative."
2779,"Going to attempt a Mexican joke. Hope it's a good Juan!"
2780,"Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built!"
2781,"It's hunting season and fox like you shouldnt be out in the open!"
2782,"A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion."
2783,"I went to school without my shoes today. I got shoe-spended for a week."
2784,"What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business."
2785,"Men? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries."
2786,"What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days."
2787,"What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!"
2788,"If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib!"
2789,"Leading up to the wedding (NAME) has been on a whiskey diet. His lost three days already."
2790,"Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing."
2791,"I'll bet your parents hit the JERKpot!"
2792,"Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion."
2793,"How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder ""Instruction Manuals."""
2794,"You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits."
2795,"At school he used to enjoy streaking. On it's own, not a particularly interesting fact, until you consider he was at an ALL BOYS boarding school."
2796,"I asked Barack Obama if we could get together later, and he said Yes We Can!"
2797,"Does your train of thought have a caboose?"
2798,"It's a sin to love another's wife and a punishment to love yours."
2799,"All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them..."
2800,"Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?"
2801,"Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones."
2802,"I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over."
2803,"What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them."
2804,"What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. "
2805,"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."
2806,"My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!"
2807,"Why are Fathers like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!"
2808,"New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out."
2809,"If pink and glitter were vitamins blondes would be the healthiest people alive."
2810,"Son asking father. Why are niggers so black daddy? Well son, whip this one while I think about it."
2811,"What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!"
2812,"You had me at cello."
2813,"What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A good start."
2814,"Dates a zombie: so someone finally likes me for my brain."
2815,"If you feel unsure about a new haircut, ask a man if it looks okay. But ask him many, many, many times. Never be satisfied with his answer."
2816,"Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster."
2817,"People come and go but birthdays do accrue."
2818,"Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head?' a Thought said and killed herself..."
2819,"What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one! "
2820,"Black magic.... It doesn't work."
2821,"I'm Only Here For The Free Food"
2822,"What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it."
2823,"What food describes most men? Jerky."
2824,"Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store."
2825,"It is always the wrong time of month."
2826,"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
2827,"What's the worthless piece of skin hanging off the end of a penis? A man."
2828,"Anyone can sit here and buy you drinks. I want to buy you dinner!"
2829,"Men are like placemats, they only show up when there's food on the table. "
2830,"Math problems were invented by men, just so women would be wrong some of the time."
2831,"Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:1. Stay together forever2. Break upNo pressure."
2832,"Even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out."
2833,"Winter's coming so I'm knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth?"
2834,"How do you scare a snowman? You get a hairdryer!"
2835,"He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle!"
2836,"What is the difference between a black and a bucket of shit? The bucket."
2837,"Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve."
2838,"What's a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!"
2839,"I am one bottle of shower gel away from being able to open my own Christmas gift shop in my shower."
2840,"Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
2841,"I'll show you where easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised!"
2842,"If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger..."
2843,"Did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven?"
2844,"I bet even your farts smell good."
2845,"No checks (Czechs are welcome)."
2846,"What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!"
2847,"What do you call a gay Ginger? Flaming."
2848,"Loltard: Someone who uses 'lol' too much."
2849,"Are you Greek (If No) are you sure cause you look like a goddess to me?"
2850,"Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. "
2851,"What's the definition of ""Tender Love?"" Two gays with hemorrhoids. "
2852,"Interested in seeing the ""North Pole""? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)"
2853,"If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!"
2854,"What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key."
2855,"What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her."
2856,"Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home."
2857,"The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something..."
2858,"Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you out?"
2859,"Trust but verify."
2860,"If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor."
2861,"Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher? Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving."
2862,"3-year-old: *stares at the baby* What does it do? Me: Nothing yet. She's not here to entertain you. 3: Me: 3: Can we get one that is?"
2863,"You better hope you marry rich."
2864,"What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses."
2865,"Is that a Higgs boson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
2866,"I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything."
2867,"There's something actionable in your pants."
2868,"What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security."
2869,"You know, you're not that bad looking -- for a fat-ass."
2870,"What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted."
2871,"Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions."
2872,"What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? My pad or yours?"
2873,"So I hear you like snakes...I have one its called a ""trouser snake"""
2874,"Do you have 11 protons? Cause your sodium fine."
2875,"If I were a dog would you help me bury my bone?"
2876,"What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!"
2877,"What's the diffrence between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four."
2878,"What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after! "
2879,"You're the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar."
2880,"Are your other donkeys jealous because that's one fine ass"
2881,"You're riding the crest of a slump?"
2882,"I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body."
2883,"One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is."
2884,"If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world."
2885,"Why is Stevey Wonder Smiling all the time? He doesn't know he's black."
2886,"Hey Cutie ever do it in a sleigh?"
2887,"It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some the people all of the time; but you can't fool all of the people all of the time."
2888,"Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you."
2889,"How about a month filled with stress and obligation? - Pitch for December"
2890,"I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips"
2891,"Girl:want to have a good time Guy:sure Girl:for you its free"
2892,"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
2893,"Do you like the internet? Cause I can put you on there if you come back to my place."
2894,"How do you get off a non-stop flight?"
2895,"I'm in the mood to multiply"
2896,"What do you call a black guy with a fan? Antique air conditioner."
2897,"I need hug(e amount of money)."
2898,"Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break."
2899,"A girl never comments on another unless she's jealous."
2900,"You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb."
2901,"Girl, if you were a camel, I'd hump you!"
2902,"Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom."
2903,"What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin."
2904,"Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy."
2905,"Why was Jesus a virgin when he died? Every time he touched a ""wound"" it closed."
2906,"Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken!"
2907,"Why don't blacks like Tylenol? They have to pick cotton to get to them."
2908,"What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie."
2909,"Winter is natures way of telling you to polish."
2910,"I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward."
2911,"Love is like peeing yourself  everyone can see but only you feel the warmth."
2912,"There's good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell."
2913,"I'm being managed by Don King again"
2914,"There's a lot of pretty woman at spring because during other seasons you appreciate them with your brain."
2915,"If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?"
2916,"From all the butts, ours is the most important."
2917,"Are you a mum? I am not a dad! Maybe you could help me with that!"
2918,"Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat."
2919,"Why do white peope call a Indians paiutes? Cuz paiutes was a Indians first words and they were like 30yrs old!"
2920,"There's a easter parade in my pants...wanna go?"
2921,"Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain."
2922,"She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei."
2923,"Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly? They're going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it."
2924,"Don't let an extra chromosome get you down."
2925,"What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!"
2926,"Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor."
2927,"Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy."
2928,"Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe."
2929,"Her love makes my world go round."
2930,"In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won."
2931,"What do you call a black man in a tree? A branch manager."
2932,"New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."
2933,"What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!"
2934,"What does a black person get for Christmas? Your bike."
2935,"A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children."
2936,"If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?"
2937,"The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it's over."
2938,"I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
2939,"Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love."
2940,"Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?"
2941,"What's the definition of black foreplay? Don't scream or I'll kill you."
2942,"Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance."
2943,"A 'Jim's Dozen' is 11, because I take one for myself."
2944,"Hey there, mind if I take a bite? Cause your decomposing in ALL the right places."
2945,"She's as smart as bait."
2946,"How did they improve the transportation in Harlem? Moved the trees closer together."
2947,"A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
2948,"Is yur name Atilla cuz you can be my hun anytime!"
2949,"Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?"
2950,"Q: Why don't blacks fuck Afghans? A: Because they are going to make you blow."