Modern Humorist

Submissions

Greetings, content providers!

Modern Humorist is an on-line humor magazine featuring daily content.

We want your funniest material: essays, cartoons, reporting, games, comics, music, short videos, found humor. You should pitch your ideas using the form below.

Our pay scale is comparable to that of newspapers, magazines and other Web sites. We pay anywhere from $15 for a joke to $1000 for a large, fully-produced piece. For instance, if you have an idea for a piece with audio and video components but not the resources to produce it, we will pay you for your idea and produce it in-house. Most large features will earn you something in the $200-$500 range. We do not pay by the word, since, as we all know, brevity is the soul of wit. Yes, brevity is the soul of wit, they say.

What kind of content are we looking for? We produce a lot of topical media and entertainment satire. We use multimedia: graphics, audio, video. We are interactive. Think of us not as a television show, but rather a magazine that sometimes makes noises.

Please describe your idea, or paste your piece, in the form below or click here for a printable version of the form if your piece is in a format that needs to be mailed (e.g. cartoons). Our mailing address is: 70 Washington Street, Suite 402; Brooklyn, NY 11201.

Your email address:

Your full name:

Your daytime phone number:

Your hilarious idea:

By clicking on "submit" below, you agree to the following submission policy:

MODERN HUMORIST MATERIAL SUBMISSION AGREEMENT: WHAT YOU'RE GIVING US WHEN YOU GIVE US YOUR STUFF Before submitting your original material ("Material") to the Modern Humorist Web site (the "Web site"), please read the following Agreement in its entirety. Don't skip the boring parts. If you accept and agree with this Agreement in its entirety, press the "Submit" button to submit your Material. "Submit" and "button" in this context are not meant to be taken sexually. If you do not accept and agree with any provision or portion of the Agreement, do not press the "Submit" button nor submit your Material in any way, as submission of your Material to the Web site constitutes full and complete acceptance of this Agreement. In other words, take your ball and go home. It was a stupid ball anyway. License ------- Warning: At first this paragraph makes it sound like we'll take your material and never pay for it. Please keep reading. In the event that Modern Humorist accepts your Material, you agree to grant Modern Humorist, its successors, assigns or licensees (collectively, "Modern Humorist") (i) a royalty-free, exclusive and worldwide license (the "License") to display, reproduce, edit, and distribute your Material on the Web site or any other Web sites that may now or hereafter contain an authorized Modern Humorist branded area or window; and (ii) an exclusive, worldwide, royalty-free license (the "Promotional License") to use excerpts of your Material for advertising and/or promotional purposes of any kind or nature. We will only exercise this license if we think your stuff is funny, we promise. Consider it insurance against making yourself look stupid. This license, if we use it, is extremely fleeting—it gives us the chance to publish something timely after we've cleared a dollar amount with you and before you get a contract for it in the U.S. mail. In other words: The License and Promotional License granted by you to Modern Humorist shall expire upon the execution by you and Modern Humorist of Modern Humorist's standard form of Freelance License Agreement, which can be obtained free of charge by e-mailing Modern Humorist at feedback@modernhumorist.com. In this case the word "execution" means that you will receive a check for your intelligence and wit rather than a lethal injection. Upon execution by both parties, the Freelance License Agreement will supersede this Material Submission Agreement in its entirety. Why bother with the Material Submission Agreement, then? Ask our lawyer. Representation and Warranties ------- You represent and warrant to Modern Humorist the following: 1. You have the legal right and authority to grant to Modern Humorist the License and the Promotional License. You are 18 years of age or older. You have written something that will make others laugh, smile, or groan good-naturedly. If you are under the age of 18, you must have your parent or guardian submit your Material to Modern Humorist on your behalf. Don't be a victim—make sure they give you a cut if it's accepted. Remember Macaulay. 2. The display, reproduction, distribution and other exploitation of your Material on the Web site will not violate or infringe upon the copyright, privacy right, publicity right, trademark, service mark or any other personal or property right of any person or entity and your Material will not constitute a libel or defamation of any third party. This includes but is not limited to the Reform Party, the Green Party, and the Beastie Boys. 3. The honor code: Your Material is either completely original with you and was created and/or written solely by you or with respect to any material contained in your Material that is not original with you, you have discharged or paid and will be discharging or paying (a) all claims and rights of copyright holders, if any, in literary, dramatic, musical or other material used in or appearing in your Material; (b) all obligations, of any kind, relating to the purchase, license, distribution, exhibition, performance or exploitation of your Material; (c) any payments required to be made to any performing rights society, publishers or other persons having legal or contractual rights of any kind to participate in the receipts of your Material or to payments of any kind as a result of the distribution or exhibition of your Material and any taxes thereon or on the payments thereof. In other words, don't steal. It isn't nice. 4. The Material you are submitting is not obscene, pornographic, defamatory, libelous or otherwise illegal nor does it violate or infringe upon the rights of any third party in any form or manner. This clause protects Chelsea Clinton, Martha Stewart, and other victims of bad photoshopping. 5. You have read the "Terms of Use" found elsewhere on this Web site and acknowledge that your acceptance of this Agreement shall also constitute your acceptance of and agreement to the terms and conditions of the "Terms of Use." All of your legalese needs can be met right here at Modern Humorist. 6. You recognize that the Web site and other Web sites receive many creative suggestions and that many creative suggestions have been previously made by the Modern Humorist staff and others. Just because you thought of it doesn't mean it's original. 7. You recognize that other persons, including, without limitation, Modern Humorist personnel, may have submitted to Modern Humorist and to others, or made public, or may in the future originate and submit, and make public, similar or identical material as the Material you are submitting and that you have no right, title and/or interest in such material. We all watch TV, we all read the newspaper, and we're all hacks, so you do the math. Indemnity ------- You agree to indemnify and hold harmless Modern Humorist, its respective officers, directors, shareholders, employees, accountants, attorneys, agents, affiliates, subsidiaries, successors and assigns from and against any and all third-party claims, damages, liabilities, costs and expenses, including legal fees and court costs, arising out of or in connection with any breach by you of this Agreement, including a breach of any Representation and Warranty made by you in this Agreement. Your lawsuit is your own. Discretion to Post ------- You understand and agree that Modern Humorist has sole and complete discretion over whether or not it uses your Material, or any part thereof, on the Web site, and that Modern Humorist is free to edit, expand, alter or change the Material in any manner necessary to make it appropriate and available for viewing on the Modern Humorist site. If your piece is a light chuckle, we'll turn it into a hearty guffaw. Limitation of Liability ------- MODERN HUMORIST, ITS RESPECTIVE OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, SHAREHOLDERS, EMPLOYEES, ACCOUNTANTS, ATTORNEYS, AGENTS, AFFILIATES, SUBSIDIARIES, SUCCESSORS AND ASSIGNS (COLLECTIVELY, "MODERN HUMORIST") SHALL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY DIRECT, INCIDENTAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, INDIRECT OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES ARISING OUT OF OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE SUBJECT MATTER OF THIS AGREEMENT. IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET IT THE FIRST TIME, YOUR LAWSUIT IS YOUR OWN. NOTWITHSTANDING THE FOREGOING, IN NO EVENT SHALL MODERN HUMORIST’S TOTAL LIABILITY TO YOU FOR ANY AND ALL CLAIMS, DAMAGES, LOSSES, AND CAUSES OF ACTION (WHETHER IN CONTRACT OR TORT OR OTHERWISE) EXCEED THE AMOUNT PAID BY YOU, IF ANY, FOR SUBMITTING YOUR MATERIAL. JUST TO BE PERFECTLY CLEAR: IF YOU GET SUED, SUCK IT UP. MODERN HUMORIST MAKES NO REPRESENTATIONS OR WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, WARRANTIES OF TITLE OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. IF YOU WANT A WARRANTY, BUY A CAR. ONCE MORE WITH FEELING: YOU HEREBY RELEASE MODERN HUMORIST FROM ANY AND ALL CLAIMS, DEMANDS, COSTS AND LIABILITIES THAT MAY ARISE IN CONNECTION WITH OR RELATED TO THE MATERIALS YOU HAVE SUBMITTED TO THE WEB SITE, THE WEB SITE, ANY MATERIALS CONTAINED IN THE WEB SITE, AND/OR THE ACTIONS OF ANY THIRD PARTIES IN CONNECTION WITH THE WEB SITE. Miscellaneous ------- This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement between the parties with respect to the subject matter hereof and supercedes all previous written or oral agreements between the parties hereto with respect to such subject matter. This also covers agreements conducted via telepathy and secret government radio waves. No waiver by either party of any breach or default hereunder shall be deemed to be a waiver of any preceding or subsequent breach or default. You heard us. The section headings used herein are for convenience only and shall not be given any legal import. "Miscellaneous" won't stand up in a court of law. You hereby waive any and all defenses you may have based on the electronic form of this Agreement and the lack of signing by the parties hereto to execute this Agreement. This agreement shall be governed by, construed and enforced in accordance with the laws of the State of New York, as it is applied to agreements entered into and to be performed entirely within such State. Any action you bring to enforce this Agreement or any matters related to this Site shall be brought in either the State or Federal Courts located in the Southern District of New York, and you waive any objection you may have in the future with respect to the foregoing. If you live somewhere else, that's just too bad. If any provision of this agreement is void or unenforceable in whole or in part, the remaining provisions of this Agreement shall not be affected thereby. Our ass is thereby covered. Use of "you" or "yours" shall mean heirs, executors, administrators, successors, legal representatives and permitted assigns. "You" and "yours" are also second-person pronouns. I have read all of the foregoing, and fully understand the implications of agreeing to its terms. I understand that this is a legally binding agreement and have been advised to seek legal counsel to review and explain any parts of this document I do not understand.

WHEN YOU WILL HEAR FROM US: Due to the high volume of e-mail we receive, we are unfortunately unable to respond to every message. But please believe us when we say that your piece WILL be read—we have found a lot of good material this way, so we'd be idiots not to give your work a look. We will contact you within two weeks if we are interested in pursuing your idea or piece.

If your idea is so tied to current events that waiting two weeks will make you unable to sell it elsewhere, please put the word TIMELY at the top of your message (yes, we are giving you permission to use ALL CAPS in an e-mail), and we will try our best to let you know right away whether we can use it.