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Geeks,
Guns, and Games
What Exactly is Incite Gaming Magazine And Why
You Should Never, Ever Buy It
Rich
"Lowtax" Kyanka
Editor's
note: While Something Awful usually has an unhealthy amount of bullshit
articles that try to pass themselves off as "genuine" for the
purposes of parody or satire, this review uses actual quotes and pictures
from Incite Video Gaming Magazine. None of the quoted material here has
been doctored or altered in any way; it is all actually in the magazine
(issue #3, February 2000). Some of the content here may shock and frighten
you.
It's
not a secret that I loathe PC Accelerator Magazine; I put this
rag on the same sheer enjoyment plateau as acquiring exotic rashes or
going through the archives of "User Friendly". PCXL tries
to appeal to the lowest common denominator by assuming the entire gaming
audience is as braindead, Lara Croft obsessed, horny, and unfocused as
their senior editorial staff. While I normally don't have a problem with
that, PCXL double-dips every page in unfunny comments ripped from
the special learning wing of an Alabama grade school. I always prayed
to that one deity all the celebrities say is hip to take my life before
any company was able to scrap up enough penniless cotton-candy machine
repairmen to start up another gaming magazine that would rival PCXL
in unadulterated idiocy. Chalk up another point to Atheism; I was never
saved from Incite Gaming.
The
PCXL Connection
Sex
sells. Turn on the television and count the number of commercials and
shows that try to entice you to watch them by flashing patches of skin
and making Viagra jokes. Flip through an edition of Sports Illustrated
and keep track of how many supermodels wearing only bikinis and sand are
trying to convince you what brand margarine has the least fat. Let's face
it; everywhere we look, we see tits. At least I do, but maybe I'm just
lucky.
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Incite
Magazine tries way to hard too be the breast magazine in the
computer gaming industry.
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Incite
has taken notes from PCXL's "Breast in the West" attitude
and mutated it into some new strain of retrovirus. Pick up a copy of issue
#3 and - oops, sorry, I just realized that I suggested you actually read
Incite - notice how many titty shots they try to cram into this rag. Smeared
across the cover of this month's magazine is a full page, seminude picture
of Natalie Raitano, better known as "Breast Number 4" from Pamela
Andersons's "VIP". There's an article entitled "Bif Naked"
on page 32 which is apparently a vehicle to simply show pics of some slutty
girl with tattoos, piercings, and tacky clothing. According to Incite,
Bif Naked is "a bad-ass rock star" who "still likes to
hang out in arcades." I guess this makes her qualified to have an
interview in this magazine. Hell, starring in a food dehydrator infomercial
probably makes you qualified for an Incite interview ("When
Ron Popeil isn't using his exciting new Pocket Fisherman he's playing
a few games of Unreal Tournament!"). Here's an example of the
quality content that you can reap from this interview (Editor's note:
as mentioned before, this is an actual quote! I am not making this
up):
Incite:
What do you think of female characters in video games like Lara Croft?
Bif
Naked: They have the best f-in' boobs. I love that the most. I'm
a big fan of boobs. I really like women in video games, I just love
their boobs.
Were
you able to absorb all that information? Did you understand Bif's complex
diatribe? According to this in-depth interview, Bif is "a big fan
of boobs." This is the kind of content readers across the world are
dying to know about; does a unknown "rock star", who probably
gets paid in welfare checks and bus tokens, like tits in games? The answer
is a resounding "yes". I can just imagine some of the upcoming
interviews Incite will treat us to.
Incite:
How do you feel about nipples? Do you like to see a good pointy nipple
on a breast? You know, like Lara Croft's?
The
Pope: Huh?
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The
"Official Incite Girls", two of which are 14 years
old. I'm not making this up.
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To
tap in to the "Anime fetish" that many gamers have these days,
Incite has provided "The Official Incite Girls."
They are a group of Japanese teen girls, aged 14-16. I'm not making this
up. What do they have to do with gaming? Nothing. What's the purpose of
naming them as "The Official Incite Girls"? Probably
to pull in that coveted "pedophile" demographic all the gaming
magazines are fighting for these days. The girls sit in their photo shot,
looking all innocent and sweet to the camera, wearing pink and sitting
atop a large shoe. Awwwww, how cute... now if only some of the geniuses
at Incite could Photoshop some tentacle penises flying around the
place, they could grab the hardcore Anime audience.
Of
course, Incite Video Gaming Magazine wouldn't be the slum it is
without a shitload of Lara Croft pictures and references crammed into
every page. That's the trend in computer magazines these days; dress a
pair of boobs up like Lara Croft and supply the gaming population with
enough masturbation material for a month. The Incite gang probably
went and hung out by the bus station to find the "perfect Lara Croft
model", dressed her up in a plastic shirt, and asked her to pimp
their idiot magazine. There she stands on page 48, pointing a pair of
guns towards the camera with the words "I heard you've been naughty"
lettered across the top. In case that doesn't get you off, there's another
picture of the Lara wanna-be on an ad insert, leaning against a wall as
if to say "I'm a Lara Croft wanna-be leaning against a wall. Buy
our shitty magazine."
If
all this weren't enough, Incite has a column entitled "Bra-some
Adventures" on page 91. It compares the bras from Madonna, Brandi
Chastain, and Heidi Klum. I bet you're now asking yourself where Lara
Croft fits into this. Well, she has comments analyzing each person's bras
under their pictures. There must be some Federal law that I'm unaware
of, requiring Incite to include Miss Croft, or at least a Lara
reference, in every article that contains a woman. At least that's what
I hope, I'd hate to think that Incite Video GamingMagazine is simply
staffed by hormonally overloaded, Anime obsessed, Lara Croft fantasizing
geeks.
Adding
to their "We Wanna Be Like PCXL" motif, there's tiny
mini-article comparisons littered all over the magazine. You know what
I'm talking about, those tiny little "humorous" blurbs that
compare a game character to something non-game related, a short article
that reminisces about a washed up celebrity, and other small columns that
try too hard to be funny. Issue #3 sports an "Eric Cartmen vs. Eric
Estrada" comparison, a half page article contrasting Tiger Woods,
Tigger, S&R's White Tiger, and Tony the Tiger, and the pros / cons
of Hawaii (of course with a picture of some semi-naked beach girl). Incite
must have wanted enough short articles for people to read before lockdown
and all the lights in their prison cell turn off.
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