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Three
Steps To Success - The Doctor Fred Malalavich Way!
Doctor
Fred Malalavich
 Greetings
ladies and gentlemen, I am the esteemed Doctor Fred Malalavich. I'm positive
you have heard my name before, my works of literature and study are eclipsed
by no other. I have penned the likes of such popular self-help books as
"Your Kids Are Fat and Ugly", "Run For Your Life!",
"I Consider You To Be Incredibly Stupid", and "End It Now
- The Beginner's Guide to Suicide." I have aided on many important
research projects, most notably Arthur & Steven's revolutionary "Do
Flatworms Wear Really Tiny Clothes?" study and the successor, "Well,
What About Shoes?" I have been seen on many major talk shows, often
as a guest. You can sometimes see me on early morning public-access commercials,
advertising "Jim Reynold's Driveway Repair Kit" service. I am
one of the most highly respected and popular figures in the psychology
field to date, even more than that one guy who was arrested for solicitation
of a horse (editors note - he's not referring to Cozmo).
So
why have I taken time from my precious schedule of opening Stuckey's Restaurants
and pawn shops to write this article? Simple. I'd like to share
with you the secrets to success. Many people are under the false assumption
that the key to financial independence has something to do with intelligence,
motivation, or hard work. Balderdash, I say! Poppycock and frizzlebarg!
Success can only be achieved by reading a short, simple, easy-to-print-out-or-email
list of observations and suggestions from the loins of a trained and learnéd
psychologist such as myself. This informative piece of literature will
easily teach even the most simple, inept, and ignorant of you burger-flipping
simpletons to land yourself a meaningful and fulfilling job, not necessarily
in the paint industry.
Chapter
One - Where Do You Want to Fail Today?
With
the recent booming economy, influx in job opportunities, and relax in
legal definitions of "sweatshops", the workplace has never been
so dynamic! Jobs await you at every nook, cranny, and swollen orifice
of the slummy city you undoubtedly reside in. Here is a brief list of
hot and new potential positions I compiled while waiting for the motorized
bus yesterday:
- Math
Teacher
- Pimp
- Burn
Victim
- Professional
Mime
- "Winger"
Groupie
- Alcoholic
- Guy Who
Wears a Lot of NASCAR Clothing and Hangs Out Around the Mall
- Soccer
Hooligan
- Army
Test Subject
- Large
Paperweight
- Stand-In
Robot From "Rise of the Triad"
- Thief
- Ignorant
CompUSA Employee
- Washed
Up Pitcher
- Cum Slut
- Alzheimer's
Disease Patient
- Corrupt
Cop
- Unfunny
Stand Up Comedian
- Really
Late Night Talk Show Host (also see "Unfunny Stand Up Comedian")
- Pro Corpse
As you can
see, the list of opportunities out there is full of many plentiful and
rewarding positions. Some of them even have dental insurance. Now that
you've found a bland and menial position you'd like to fill, let's move
on to Chapter Two and learn how
to razzle and dazzle your potential boss at Bob's Wicker Hut with a resume
so impressive he won't be able to resist letting you have sex with his
wife and teenage daughters.
Next
Page (2): Create the Perfect Résumé Through Lying
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