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Through
some of my "contacts", I was recently able to procure a "lost
copy" of a Baywatch script. "Chaos on Sandy Beach" was
originally meant to be aired as a season finale, but instead had to be
scrapped for legal issues. It seems to be a pretty cool episode, I'm not
sure why they never ended up filming it...
BAYWATCH
- Episode #85, "Chaos on Sandy Beach"
CAST:
ISDH
- International Superstar David Hasselhoff
ISPA
- International Superstar Pamela Anderson
SCENE
1 - Hi-tech Baywatch guard tower interior. Some ladies in bikinis are
working on various "scientific" equipment like TI-81 calculators and Etch-A-Sketches
with wires glued to them. ISDH walks in, wearing red Speedos, a dress
shirt, and a cowboy hat.
ISDH:
Hi gang, just got back from a party, does my comical appearance amuse
you?
ALL:
(Laughs in unison for a bit too long)
ISDH:
Well, big breasted co-star Pamela Anderson, what crimes have recently
occurred on the beach?
ISPA:
Well, Mr. Knight, there was a fat person who almost took his shirt off
in sector 8D.
Random
105-lb, tan woman in bikini: Icky!
ISDH:
Woah! Did you get to him in time?
ISPA:
No... by the time the Bimbo Strike Force Squad assembled, his gut had
already leaked out from his tank top. Two fragile models had to be rushed
to the hospital and have their eyes washed out with bleach.
ISDH:
It's a tragedy... (begins to weep) I mean, can't we all learn to
coexist without infringing upon the rights of the beautiful? (Looks
up to sky, at camera. Slow music begins to play) I'd like to sing
a song about living in peace, which, by the way, is available on my new
CD, "David Hasselhoff's Smooth Jams", that has sold over 2 million copies
in three days, and has gone platinum in Yugoslavia and the Baltic Republic.
(Begins
to sing, which isn't really "singing", but just him speaking slowly and
a bunch of reverb used to draw out the words so it sounds vaguely like
he has a singing ability)
This world
is nice,
This world
is neat,
This world
is great,
I love
to run across the beach in slow motion with no shirt on.
(cut
to flashback of him running across the beach in slow motion. Suddenly
loud sirens and flashing lights bring ISDH back to reality. Music cuts
off)
ISDH:
What's that? Who interrupted my memories of me showing off my large, well
oiled pectoral muscles?
Bimbo
#1: (Rushes into room holding little kid. He's alternately crying
and screaming while looking directly at the camera the entire time)
ISDH:
Oh no! A poor, helpless little girl!
Kid:
I'm a boy!
ISDH:
Ah yes. A poor, helpless little boy! What happened, Bimbo #1?
Bimbo
#1: This little girl -
Kid:
Boy!
Bimbo:
- fell off a cliff into the ocean. He was horsing around with his friends
by "Dead Man's Cliff", even though the sign posted there says "NO HORSING
AROUND". Then he couldn't swim right, because he ate less than 30 minutes
before falling in. Then some underwater jellyfish poachers blew up some
dynamite and it shot rock shrapnel into her leg!
Kid:
"His"! HIS leg!
Bimbo:
Yeah, and anyway then some poisonous fish bit her, I mean him, and he
was sucked into a whirlpool and lightning stuck him and then a 1956 Ford
Thunderbird fell out of the sky and landed on him.
ISDH:
Quick! This kid needs 49 cc's of HypoOxyTriGlutermate. (Pulls out vial
from Speedo that is labeled "H6OP3Q2Fe22". He empties it into the kid's
mouth)
Kid:
Thanks, mister! (Gets up and walks out)
ISDH:
That was close!
ISPA:
TOO close!
(Various
people nod their heads. You can see the shadow of the cameraman towards
the bottom of the screen)
SCENE
2: The beach (where else?). Two dirty white guys are talking to each other
next to a wall that says "BEACH FUN!" in big, festive letters.
Bad
Guy #1: Hey, do you have the CRACK COCAINE?
Bad
Guy #2: Yeah man, I got the CRACK COCAINE! Radical!
Bad
Guy #1: Okay, let's find some kids to sell it to.
Bad
Guy #2: Right, dude, and then we'll go shoot some handicapped nuns.
Bitchin'!
Bad
Guy #1: That is a RIGHTEOUS idea, man, and then we'll knock over some
gravestones and deface the WWI Veteran's cemetery.
Bad
Guy #2: That's a great idea, Bad Guy #2!!!
Bad
Guy #1: Wait, I thought you were Bad Guy #2.
Bad
Guy #2: (frowning) Hmmmmm...
(Suddenly
ISDH bursts onto the scene, with a surfboard / machinegun / radar detector
of some kind.)
ISDH:
Freeze, punks! You're under citizen's arrest!
Bad
Guys: (In unison) DARN! (Put their hands up)
Bad
Guy #2: Hey, maybe you can help. Do you know which one of us is "Bad
Guy #2"?
ISDH:
(Thinking) Hmmmmm...
(Camera
zooms in to a little boy who had been there watching the entire scene
take place. He runs away, unseen by ISDH)
SCENE
3: The same place, about 40 feet away, and shot at a different angle.
The boy from the last scene is walking across the beach, thinking to himself)
Boy:
I wonder where my father is. He left when I was only 1 and as a result
I have had no guidance through my life, especially since my mother smokes
crack and worships Satan. These strong issues are a problem that plagues not
only me, but society in general, and I believe that if these concerns
aren't faced soon, perhaps through a show involving various anorexic women
playing with beach balls, our society will collapse.
(Suddenly
World War II fighter jet falls on the boy. It explodes in a huge ball
of flame. 10 seconds after it blows up, 2 guys jump out of the cockpit,
unharmed, but pretty dirty and with ragged clothes. They walk away from
the wreck, but when the tide comes in, the 3 inch high wave drags them
into the sea)
Pilot
#1: (Thrashing in the four feet of water) Help! I am a Japanese
Pilot who grew up with an American family, and as a result I can speak
perfect English!
Pilot
#2: (In Japanese) I can't! (SUBTITLED: "I can't!")
(ISPA
sweeps into the scene with a hanglider.)
ISPA:
Quick! Hang on to my large breasts!
Pilots
(in unison): OKAY!!! (They grab a fistful of implant and are whisked
to safety)
ISPA:
Whew! That was a close one! You know, Pilot #1, you remind me of a brother
I once had, that my family adopted. He was Japanese too, and disappeared
one day when our family went to the zoo.
Pilot
#1: You mean the Charleston City Zoo?
ISPA:
YES! How did you know...?
Pilot
#1: I am your long lost brother!
ISPA:
(Weeps) Oh!!! (They embrace)
(Suddenly
a man in filthy rags comes walking out of the bushes in the background)
Man:
ISPA? ISPA, is that you?
ISPA:
Who are you?
Man:
I am your long lost father, Biff! Every since that tragic day when you
thought you lost me in aisle 5 of that FoodMax, I've been searching for
you! I've been through hell and back, but my eternal love for you has
kept me going through thick and thin!
ISPA:
Oh dad! (She runs over and hugs him)
(Suddenly
a hand pokes out from the sand, and a woman crawls from underneath the
beach. She seems quite disoriented)
Woman:
Where am I?
ISPA:
MOM! I thought you died in that horrible blimp accident back in 1968!
Woman:
(Frowning) Me too...
(Man,
Woman, ISPA, and Pilot #1 all get together and hug)
ISPA:
This is the happiest day of my life!
Pilot
#2: (Pulls out hand grenade) GWAAHA AHL ROOOAWR! (Throws
grenade at them. SUBTITLED: "Long live Japan!")
ISPA:
Oh no! (Jumps onto grenade, smothering it with her incredibly large
breasts. Grenade goes off with a muffled explosion, forcing an implant
to slide up, around her shoulder area)
Man:
Oh no! She's DEAD! (Camera pans down to ISPA, who is visibly breathing)
Woman:
She gave her life to save her family!
Pilot
#1: How very noble!
Man:
She's DEAD!
(Suddenly
a dirty horse comes trotting into the scene from the left)
Woman:
Walker? Is that you? I thought we lost you in 1942!!!
Horse:
(Shakes his head. Family runs over and hugs horse.)
SCENE
4: Upscale restaurant, conveniently located on the beach. ISDH is talking
to some generic, attractive, slender, tan woman who's teeth are reflecting
enough light to highlight the glistening sweat on David Hasselhoff's manly
brow. He is wearing a neatly pressed tuxedo, with Speedos on the outside)
ISDH:
...And then I said, "You're soaking in it!"
BOTH:
(Laugh)
Bimbo
#2: Oh, International Superstar David Hasselhoff, you are so charming!
It's no wonder that your records have gone gold in Moldavia and Finland!
ISDH:
And don't forget the former Ukraine Republic!
(Suddenly
some robbers burst into the restaurant, brandishing whatever weapons the
studio had left over from the previous show of "La Femme Nikita". One
of the robbers goes out of his way to push some customer out of his seat
and onto the floor. The camera goes to a low angle to film it.)
Robber
#1: OK, everybody drop to the floor and put all your jewelry into
this bag! (He pulls out a bag with a dollar sign written on it in black)
Bimbo
#2: Better do what he says, Michael Knight! (She drops to the floor
and throws her 15-lb diamond ring into the bag)
ISDH:
Not this time, Bimbo #2. Not - this - time! (He grabs a glass of water
from the table, and using his MacGyvver-like intellect, makes a bomb out
of it, table salt, some lobster meat, and a stick of dynamite he pulls
out of his speedos.)
Robber
#2: (wearing ski mask) Mmph mmp mmm mmumbr.
Old
Lady: What? We can't understand you! Take off your ski mask!
Robber
#2: MMPH MMMAR MMOOO! (Fires gun into the air. This makes everybody
in the restaurant scream for some reason)
ISDH:
That was just the distraction I needed! (He lobs his homemade bomb
over the table, and it strikes one of the robbers. A huge explosion blows
through the restaurant and the gun flies out of the robber's hand. ISDH
takes this opportunity to jump up and punch the second robber in the nose.
Robber #2 collapses to the floor, unconscious. But Robber #3 is too far
away, and grabs a senile old man hostage.)
Robber
#3: Don't move, or the old man gets it!
Old
Man: Charlie? Is that you, Charlie? Are we going to the dog track?
ISDH:
It's just like you criminal masterminds to prey on the weak and elderly
and the impotent and the stupid and the fat defenseless people!
Old
Man: Huh? Speak into my good ear, Lenny! (Points to his hearing
aid in his left ear)
Robber
#3: Ok, I'm leaving, and don't you try to stop me with another one
of your clever tricks!
ISDH:
(Throws a gold necklace up into the air) Here, CATCH!
Robber
#3: (Drops the old man to catch the necklace. After he grabs it,
he realizes his FATAL MISTAKE. ISDH rushes over to him and knocks him
out of the window. Cut to stock footage of some guy, wearing different
clothing, falling out of a business office window)
ISDH:
Whew. That was close!
EVERYBODY
IN RESTAURANT: TOO CLOSE!
Bimbo
#2: You saved us!
ISDH:
Yes I did. This would be a good time to promote my new show, "Baywatch
Nights" which features me solving various Hardy Boys style crimes in essentially
all the same sets we used today. And look for the upcoming miniseries,
"Baywatch 2000", a brief yet positive look at the future of Baywatch!
Bimbo
#2: 5:00 on channel 13, every Wednesday?
ISDH:
Yup!
Old
Man: Huh? The CIRCUS?!? (confused) Where the hell are my shoes?
SCENE
5: The beach (where else?). Some guy, wearing no shirt, is running across
the beach in slow motion. He is thinking to himself, via a voice over
dub.
Man:
(Thinking) I wish my brother Ray was feeling better. Ever since
that awful canoe accident, he just hasn't been the same. For example,
he now has no torso.
Woman:
(Comes running up next to him) Hey, want to have sex?
Man:
Yeah, sure!
Woman:
What? I can't hear you! Stop doing a voice over dub!
Man:
How the hell do I get out of slow motion?
Woman:
Huh?
(Suddenly,
a 1988 Ford Crown Victoria drives off a nearby cliff, balancing precariously
on the edge. The driver, a middle aged woman, is trapped in the car, screaming)
Driver:
Help! I am pregnant and trapped in this car, teetering on the edge! And
I am about to give birth any moment! And I'm also the First Lady! And
I think my car is full of nuclear waste that would contaminate the ocean
if it fell in! And I'm pretty sure I'm water soluble too!
(Squadron
of bare chested men come rushing into the scene and pull the car back
up via a complex network of tying two ropes to the back bumper and pulling
it back. The woman gets out, thanks the men for saving her, has a baby
boy, and then discovers a cure for cancer)
SCENE
6: Back at the futuristic Baywatch Life Guard Station. David Hasselhoff
is looking closely at some map with red pins stuck in it. Each time the
camera cuts away, the pins are in different locations for some reason.
ISDH:
It sure feels good to get our job done! Saving others is a full time job!
Bare
Chested Man #81: You said it!
(Credits
roll up into the screen)
Bare
Chested Man #81: Hey, what are these names doing floating up? And
why are they backwards?
ISDH:
Oh, that's just the cue for all of us to stand still and smile.
Bare
Chested Man #81: Oh. (He stands still and smiles)
FADE
TO END
 Lowtax
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