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Rich
"Lowtax" Kyanka
The
year 2000 looks to be one of the most interesting and revolutionary periods
of time in recent gaming history. However, due to the massive amount of
titles scheduled to be released, many people don't know of all the great
games that will hit the market. Something Awful has compiled a list of
the most exciting entertainment software titles you'll see this year.
- Extreme
Fighting Pinball Rodeo - Headgames pumps out another $5.99 value
bin winner, combining the nonstop action of pinball with the puzzle-based
adventure of a rodeo. This strategy RPG will challenge even the most
intelligent of car accident victims.
- Pokemon:
Let's Build a Fire! - Pikachu, Squirtle, and that one Pokemon that
shoots feces at its enemies instruct children to start fires in their
livingrooms.
- American
McGee's Great Box Adventure - Guide your character through a series
of square maps.
- Career
Hunt! - Help cast members from classic hit sitcom "Full House"
in their desperate pursuit to find a job outside of the gay porn industry.
- Ultimate
Underwater Destruction Derby
- The team behind "Redline" presents one of the most unique
action-driving games in history. Construct your vehicle, buy weapons,
then drive it into a lake and watch your driver drown.
- Barbie
Fashion Designer 2000
- Offering a revamped and larger set of outfits, Barbie Fashion Designer
2000 will let your children see what Barbie would look like in combat
fatigues, Klan uniforms, and various outfits stolen from the most high
class garage sales. Includes a tiny water cooler for Barbie to stand
by while Ken stares at her ass and makes lewd comments.
- Ultra
Mega Space Invaders 2000 3D 2
- It's Space Invaders, only the ships are bigger and purple. Includes
a "bonus round" where the ships turn green for a brief period
of time.
- Diablo
II Dance Marathon
- Win points and gain levels by dancing for monsters.
- Register
Rampage!
- Recreate all the fun of registering for college courses on your computer!
Includes a special "waiting in line while sick people cough up
phlegm behind you" mode.
- Daikatana
-
Find an ancient and mystical sword by controlling a pimp, convenience
store owner, and engineer through the past, present, and future of outdated
game engines.
- Mavis
Beacon Teaches Fucking
- Learn how to fuck from the pro.
- The
Blair Witch Project Game
- Become remarkably stupid and forget how to read a map. Get lost in
the woods and die.
- Blimp!
- Pilot a blimp over 14 acres of farmland. Offend farmers by dropping
pamphlets promoting a Marxist revolution.
- Reader
Rabbit Pro
- Children are taught how to read through humiliation and degradation.
Reader Rabbit curses frequently and chain smokes harder than Rod Sterling.
- Animal
Shooter 7 - Don hunting gear and mow down deer, chickens, turkeys,
snails, and trees. Comes with special multiplayer support which allows
one player to drink while the other scratches their groin.
- ER
Team Fortress
- Choose from over 10 different classes in this medical room simulation.
- Cosmopolitan's
"Get Less Fat and Ugly"
- Beauty tips from a magazine that's 99% advertisements. Includes an
interactive "virtual scale" that weighs anything stuck into
the USB port. And I mean anything.
- Ultima
Online 3: Age of the 12-Year Olds
- Advanced measures against player killing and bug exploitation ensures
people will find new and exciting ways to make the game miserable for
everybody else.
- Metric
System Arena
- First person shooter that challenges players to convert measurements
to the Metric System.
- Tomb
Raider 8: "Escape From Canada"
- Lara Croft dodges snow and real estate salesmen in her desperate attempt
to cross the Canadian border and steal expensive artifacts from famous
museums.
- Battlecruiser
17,382 AD -
Title refers to number of patches released before game becomes playable.
- The
Jerry Springer Challenge
- Compete with virtual guests of the "Jerry Springer" in a
contest to become the fattest piece of hairy white trash in the world.
Only one will survive!
- Run
Out of Food and Die
- Pilot a spaceship into uncharted territory. Run out of food and die.
- Another
Crappy Missionpak For SiN
- This enhancement pack for the unpopular Sin adds 17 new textures drawn
by grade school students and another warehouse map.
- Police
SWAT Command Tactics 4
- Help a SWAT team negotiate with a man who's chained himself to the
space heater in his girlfriend's house.
- Robot
Battle War Destruction
- Shoot missiles at large metal robots by using a proprietary "91
separate keyboard commands" system.
- Microsoft
Presents: Microsoft's Microsoft Football 2001
- Now with 18 polygons per character!
- Future
Hussy -
Experience prostitution in the year 2137.
- Paul
Steed's Virtual PR Firm
- Learn how to promote your product / business by showing up drunk on
Australian chat servers. Challenge other gaming executive to knife fights.
- Mall
Wars
- Real time strategy warfare based in a shopping mall.
- Star
Wars: Episode One Something
- It doesn't really matter, it's Star Wars, people will buy it.
- Star
Trek: Something
- It doesn't really matter, it's Star Trek, people will buy it.
- Soldier
of Misfortune
- Go into battle equipped with defective grenades, jammed guns, and
a compass which always points east.
- It
Happened on the Way to the Deli -
Another French game nobody will bother to play.
- McGruff's
"Drug Adventure"
- McGruff tries to steer children away from the use of illegal narcotics
so they won't grow up to be famous athletes or rich television stars.
 Lowtax
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0WN3D BY CLAN 9MILLIMETER
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