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Final
Fantasy VIII Feedback Section
By
Jed
 Well,
as the old saying goes, there's basically 2 types of somethingawful.com
visitors: those that seem to take everything posted there completely seriously
and those with reasoning capabilities superior to those of a dead silverback
gorilla (note from editor: if you were able to find this link, you're
probably of the latter category). Over the course of the last week
or so I've come to the conclusion that most Final Fantasy VIII enthusiasts
belong in the first category. Ever since my review
of FFVIII was posted here about a month ago, I seem to be at the
top of every FFVIII fan's hate list (right up there with "showering" and
"being seen in public"). Here's some of the helpful feedback I've received
about the review...
The
first one comes from someone who thinks my name is "Jedi" (kind of an
indication of what's to come). I am willing to forget about that whole
Pearl Harbor thing but the day that Final Fantasy VIII was released is
and will forever be "A day that will live in infamy."
From:
Adders
Email: wallybear2002@home.net
Jedi,
What
in the holy hell are you doing? That review of Final Fantasy 8 is probably
the fucking lamest thing I have EVER read concerning games! And if you
can't even get past Disc 1 you have the patience of a fucking baby ferret
on crack. Do yourself a favor now Jedi...take all your gaming consoles
and BURN THEM, including your computer you idiotic childish moron. And
then find something better to do, like coloring kiddy books.
Now
I'm pissed...not only are you an idiot but a RACIST! How dare you bash
the Japanese in for an event that probably happened about 40 years before
you were born! Here is what you said...
"At
a Glance: "Final Fantasy VIII" definitely deserves a place among Japan's
other great contributions to our culture such as Pokemon, animated porn,
and the bombing of Pearl Harbor."
WTF!
Now I really want you to do yourself a favor...do two things Jedi. APOLOGIZE
for your racist comments and get a gun...and go out back and shoot yourself
thus doing humanity a favor.
Now
I'm thinking your site might be a parody in reviews...in other words
is it all a JOKE? If so then cool, my opinion of you as a childish impatient
ferret are gone, but that doesn't excuse your racist comment unless
you are Japanese, which I seriously doubt you are. So you got some explaining
to do.
For
someone with such a long name, Gueorgui Tcherednitchenko is a man of few
words (and even fewer active brain cells).
From:
Gueorgui Tcherednitchenko
Email: net@telefragged.com
Wow,
you really are retarded.
This
last one makes so many good points that I've decided to address each of
them separately...
From:
YOUR MOTHER
Email: imaleader@hotmail.com
After
reading Jed's FFVIII review :
there's
really only one thing I can say... Jed is one ignorant fuckin excuse
for a human being.
...and
yet HE's the one that enjoys FFVIII. How's that for irony?
And
now I shall back that claim by responding to (and thus humiliating)
Jed... (If you havent read Jeds review yet, go read it now. Its a waste
of your time, but at least its short, and you wont get half as much
enjoyment out of my comments unless you read Jeds bullshit first.)
You
heard him. Read the review first or else you'll only get half the enjoyment
of having your nuts scraped with a cheese grater.
1.
You admitted yourself that you never even finished the game... in fact
you only got to the end disc 1 out of 4 discs. You are in no way qualified
to review this game. (Not just because you're ignorant, jump to conclusions
and have biased opinions... but simply based on the premise that you
never finished the game you're trying to write a review for.)
Shit,
he's right. I haven't played through the whole game so I have an unqualified
opinion, a reduced risk of cancer, and 50 more hours of my life to enjoy.
2.
The translation of the entire game was near perfect. Terms like "SeeD"
and "Garden" were not translation errors, and if you weren't a fucking
moron you might have understood their symbolism.
Hmmm. Wouldn't
better symbolism for this game be seeds being shoved up some guy's ass?
Or maybe a Japanese pimp being beaten with garden tools?
3.
That "long and tedious" opening cinema was one of the most state of
the art animated sequences ever made... The images were very related
and the phrases were not jokes pointed at Americans... Once again, you'd
have understood that if you weren't a retard and had actually gone farther
than disc 1.
True, the
the cinema was fairly good but since it was Japanese I expected a little
something extra like maybe a 5-yr. old being devoured by a 510 lb. naked
woman through fangs on her pussy.
4.
Jed : "You gotta stop some sorceress from laying her eggs and bringing
about the end of time or some shit like that." Well, since you're not
even close to capturing the scope and depth of the plot with this dumb
little 3rd grade level evaluation, I dont feel I need to add anything
to make it laughable.
Actually,
I think that forcing a 3rd. grader to play this game is considered child
abuse in 43 states.
5.
Jed : "A "gunblade" is basically a sword with a gun handle attached
that is used like a sword and doesn't shoot anything." Tell me Jed?
Were your parents complete ignorant assholes too, or is this condition
of yours more personally developed than heredity? The gunblade DOES
in fact have a gun built into it, and if you had the attention span
and intelligence of a 3 year old, you would have discovered that you
can press one of the R buttons on the back of the controller to pull
Squalls trigger and fire his gun as hes cleaving his enemy with the
gun blade. Seifer can do this also.
Yay, and
if you gently caress the select button during the deminos showler summon
spell Squall drops his pants and does the truffle shuffle.
6.
Jed : "The whole plot is based around the "junction" system where ridiculously
complicated menus can be used to junction your characters to "GF"s which
are these huge-ass monsters with devastating attacks that can be summoned
as many times during a battle as you want." First of all, the plot has
nothing to do with the junction system, its just a combat system. Secondly,
the menus are only "ridiculously complicated" to idiots like you. Third,
GF's can be killed, so there is a limit to what they can do. And fourth,
the length of the GF animations was probably designed to prevent dependence
and overuse of them. You dont like to watch them? Then dont use them
so much. No ones making you use them, and unless you completely suck
at video games in general, you wont necesarily need them.
I don't
think it's possible to "overuse" a GF (unless you have about a month of
free time on your hands).
7.
Jed : "The person who wrote this extremely complex storyline forgot
to take into account that no one is going to give a fuck about what
happens to the stupid characters in this game." If you knew anything
about RPGs at all (which you clearly don't) you'd know that the player
does and should care about whats happening to the characters. Its one
of the things that seperates RPGs from less intelligent genres like
shooters and sports games.
But I thought
that FFVIII WAS a shooter, what with the "gunblade" and everything...
8.
Jed : "This game really sucks and anyone who is able to play it for
over two hours without becoming violently ill must be either blind,
endowed with superhuman endurance, or Japanese." I thoroughly enjoyed
FFVIII. I am not blind, I do not have super human endurance, and I am
not Japanese. Once again, your dumb, ignorant, pathetic ass is proven
WRONG.
I'm pretty
sure that he does, however, have super human idiocy.
In
conclusion, Ill be posting this critique on every Square/RPG forum I
know of and sending it to anyone else I can think of that will read
it and pass it along. Im also not afraid to insert this : hkirchner@conknet.com
because Im sure the general audience that will be reading this would
NEVER send Jed tons of email telling him what an ignorant jerk he is
and spamming him to kingdom come. Im also confident that those same
people wont sign him up for a bunch of gay porn newsgroups or anything
like that.... Thanks for reading ladies and gentlemen :)
OH JESUS
NO PLEASE DON'T LISTEN TO THAT PART AND SEND ME ANY MORE AWFUL EMAILS
SAYING MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME!!! THEY'VE GOT ME SO SCARED THAT I'M AFRAID
TO FUCKING LEAVE THE HOUSE AND I JUST LIE IN THE CORNER 12 HOURS A DAY
IN A FETAL POSITION!!! IF ANY OF YOU GUYS READING THIS HAVE EVEN A SHRED
OF COMPASSION WITHIN YOU SOUL THEN PLEASE EMAIL ALL THESE MEAN PEOPLE
AND TELL EM "JED HAD AN ABUSIVE WWI VETERAN GRANDFATHER SO HE CAN'T HELP
IT THAT HE'S FUCKED UP!!!!" OH GAWD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!
In all honesty,
though, I'd like to apologize to any RPG fan, 13-yr. old, or frequent
digitalpink.com visitor
that I offended in my review so if you think I overlooked some of the
more positive aspects of FFVIII, have any other comments pertaining to
the review, or know a good gunblade expert then please feel free to email
me.
Jed
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