Hey sports fans, here's my NCAA pick: bet it all on the Savannah College of Art & Design. Go Fighting Acrylics!

Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time.

I'm confused by the new census form. There's no box for "Sickly White."

Just got the new iPad. This amazing device has already revolutionized the way I use a calculator.

I just celebrated the end of Lent by eating 22 sleeves of Peeps. My religion rocks!

Hayley Mills, Kourtney Kardashian, Melissa Joan Hart and I were all born on today's date. Coincidence? Or the new cast of Bad Girl's Club?

Who would invest in Goldman Sachs mortgage investments? I played it safe and bought Greek bonds and magic beans.

I came in second to Lady Gaga in the Artist's category of the Time 100. Once again, I'm penalized for not wearing a bra that shoots fire.

I'm a simple man. I start every day with a cup of joe, the morning paper, and a lavender Pan-Asiatic body scrub from my man-servant, Lobo.

I just realized that if Chazz Palminteri married Jason Mraz, it would mean... they loved each other very much.

Pac-Man’s 30th birthday was marred by the sudden deportation of the Super Mario Bros. What were those fools doing in Arizona?

BP's attempt to cap the oil gusher with mud and cement will be televised. Finally, something to fill the void left by "Lost" and "24".

My Celtics are in the finals! And by "my Celtics," I mean my second cousins. They're all in the final stage of liver cirrhosis.

What's your favorite Memorial Day memory? Mine is eating a jar and a half of sweet relish and then playing frisbee. Ahh, my early 40's.

There may not be a Smog Alert issued in Los Angeles today, but I am issuing something far worse: a Smug Alert. Celtics will take game 7.

I predicted the Celtics would win Game 7 and they did, by over 30 points. I watched it all on my special cable channel, Delude-O-Vision.

Happy Father’s Day. After I was born, my father renamed it “Happy ‘Don’t Try to Pin This One on Me’ Day.”

Yesterday was the longest day of the year, unless you count the time I interviewed Lance Armstrong.

“Rolling Stone” may have brought down the US military commander in Afghanistan. Worse, they only gave Miley’s new album 3 out of 5 stars.

Don’t underestimate the influence of the World Cup. I’m already adding a vuvuzela section to our TBS band.

11 years between “Toy Story’s” and seven months between “Twilight’s.” By that measure, the “Jonah Hex” sequel should be out in three days.

Cable’s ability to attract top-tier talk show hosts continues. Welcome aboard, disgraced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer!

Yesterday a Marilyn Monroe chest x-ray sold for $45,000. Meanwhile, my Dr's note saying I have a mild case of shingles just sits on e-Bay.

I’m #51 on Forbes “Celebrity 100.” To help you fully comprehend the enormity of my achievement, consider this: Judge Judy is only #72.

Larry King’s retiring after hosting “Larry King Live” for 25 years. Personally, I think hosting anything longer than seven months is overkill.

"Twilight: Eclipse" has been smashing box office records since it opened. For the record, I was sickly pale before it was cool.

Today's the 25th anniversary of "Back to the Future" - The movie that popularized DeLoreans, Flux Capacitors, & almost nailing your own mom.

Scholars have revealed Jefferson changed "Subjects" to "Citizens" in the Dec of Ind. Also, "Pursuit of Happiness" was "Score me some stank".

The Queen recycled a dress for a ball in Toronto that she had previously worn before. Now to Google "monarch+nip slips."

A new study says that men who take drugs for ED have significantly more STDs. Also, men who take drugs for STDs have a lot of STDs.

I found a huge design flaw in my new iPhone. People get angry when I talk on it during a funeral.

The courts have slashed FCC policy, relaxing the ban on TV profanity. Coming this Fall to TBS: "Conan's G*d Damn F***ing Sh*t A**hole Hour".

Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker/pedophile buffet.

It's the hottest July on record in New York City, unless you count that summer I wore short shorts.

Baskin-Robbins will be cutting five ice cream flavors at the end of July. Farewell, "Cadaver Chunk."

An LSU professor has invented a remarkable cheap & effective homemade device that soaks up oil. It's called "Conan's face in high school".

Amazon.com's Kindle 3 was released yesterday. I read about it on my iPad.

BP’s ruptured oil well is almost plugged, and just as I was starting to enjoy the taste of petroleum-snapper.

Clash of the Titans on DVD features an alternate ending never seen in theaters. Also included is the original ending never seen in theaters.

Wyclef Jean has filed papers to run for President of Haiti. If his politics are as good as his rapping on "Hips Don't Lie", Haiti is saved.

Elena Kagan got onto the Supreme Court with no previous judicial experience." That’s what I just wrote on my brain surgeon job application.

"Jersey Shore" has added a new woman to the cast for their next season. No word yet on whether or not she likes to party.

My wife is out of town for a few days. When the cat's away, the mice will watch "G String Divas."

Lebron tweeted that he remembers everyone who's done him wrong. Or more specifically, everyone who told him to grow an Abe Lincoln beard.

Stallone's movie "The Expendables" is #1. Look for the movie coming out about my exploits in high school: "The Let'sBeFriendables."

The NASA robot doing chores on the space station has its own Twitter account. I'm glad to see NASA is still shooting for the stars.

The FDA egg recall has hit a total of 380 million eggs. I can’t wait till they find the tired, evil hen that did this.

In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian says her "entire body is hairless". Sounds like she went into a salon and asked for "The O'Brien".

When Churchill said "Difficulties mastered are opportunities won", I don't think he had ever tried to "sext" on an iPhone.

Facebook is trying to trademark the word "Face". I am going to trademark the word "aceboo", and then wait for the dollars to roll in.

Craigslist has shut down their adult services section. Looks like the "used futon for sale" ads are about to get a lot more interesting.

It's the last weekend of summer, unless you live in LA, where it's the 198,789,960 weekend of summer. Chew on that, Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Lady Gaga just did a Vogue photoshoot wearing only raw meat. When she does it, it's art - when I do it, it's "Daddy, you ruined another BBQ."

Kim Kardashian is mad that "Playboy" released nude photos of her. I know how she feels--I still haven’t forgiven “Pasty Gent Monthly.”

The Tea Party candidate who won the Delaware primary opposes masturbation. And they call themselves patriots…

Fall officially starts today in Los Angeles. Time to put away my shorts and break out my slightly thicker shorts.

The "Wall Street" sequel made 19 million this past weekend. Of course, some of that is federal bail-out money.

David Hasselhoff was kicked off of “Dancing With the Stars.” He should stick to singing. I mean acting. I mean…

The White House is proposing a way to spy on suspects while they're online. The plan is called "Signing them up for Facebook."

The Chilean Miners could be released this weekend… just in time to see Michael Bolton sing on "Dancing With The Stars."  Guys, what’s an extra day?

The White House announced it's switching to solar power. As a result, 20% of Americans now think Obama is an Apollo-worshipper.

The Nobel Prize in Science has gone to scientists who created an ultra-thin carbon. Actually it's normal thickness, but wearing stripes.

Watched “Boardwalk Empire” last night. Needs more Snooki.

Tried changing my Facebook status to “craving gumbo” but Facebook automatically changed it to “BOYCOTT THE FACEBOOK MOVIE. IT’S ALL LIES!”

All of the Chilean miners have now been rescued. Geologists say the mine is now also a rich source of “man-stank."

Last year for Halloween my daughter went as a witch. This year, she’s going as Christine O’Donnell.

If NFL receiver Terrell Owens called timeout during overtime, it would be a TO TO in OT. Who says I don’t know football?

Extremely hot in L.A. today. Just more proof of God’s plan to wipe out the California Irish.

Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, "Hey, it's the guy from Twitter."

I'm glad to be on cable. The truth is, I've dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

I'm happy to report that we're already #1 in TBS's key demographic—people who can't afford HBO.

It's not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. So that's why I left NBC.

That's right—the whitest man in show business is back…on the second blackest channel on TV.

Earlier today, former President George W. Bush appeared on "Oprah Winfrey."  When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah Winfrey said, "It's not bad."

Apple just launched its online store in China. Apple says this is an exciting opportunity to sell iPods to the very kids who make them.

A police officer in London is in trouble for allegedly slipping references to songs into his official reports. Authorities became suspicious when they read the part that said "Time of Death: I like big butts and I cannot lie."

Earlier this week 20,000 angry demonstrators protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia.  Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American.

Amazon.com is coming under fire for selling a book about pedophilia. If you think that's bad, you should see what Amazon says buyers of the book "Might Also Like."

NASA is working on a robot capable of running the International Space Station. The project was reported in the "Journal of Things That Could Never Possibly Go Wrong."

It was recently announced that a fourth Jason Bourne movie will be made, but without Matt Damon.  This one will be called, "The Bourne Straight to Video." 

Victoria's Secret has unveiled a new $2 million bra encrusted with diamonds, topaz, and sapphire. They're calling it "Perfect for the woman who wants to get to second base with a gay man."

The other night, three women at a Georgia Waffle House were arrested for brawling over a cigarette. The three women were released on bail and immediately hired to work at the Georgia Waffle House.

In Taiwan, a zookeeper has been fined after the birth of 3 ligers which are the offspring of a lion and a tiger.  Then the zookeeper got in even more trouble after the birth of the man-opotamus.

It’s been a crazy ride, but I finally hold the record! No one has hosted “Conan” more times than I have.

In a survey of 35 cities, Los Angeles ranked second to last in "intelligence."  Residents of LA were outraged after the report was slowly explained to them.

A Carnival Cruise ship finally docked after losing power for 3 days - resulting in small portions of bad food and smelly toilets.  The ship is being repaired and turned into a Taco Bell.

At last night's Soul Train awards, Wolf Blitzer accepted an award on behalf of Eminem. It was Soul Train's prestigious "All You White People Look the Same to Us" Prize.

In Britain, Prince William is reportedly engaged to his longtime girlfriend.  It's a big step up from her previous status, "Peasant with benefits."

According to a new survey, 1 in 10 men use the Internet to look at porn. The survey has a margin of error of 9.

During a recent fight in Kentucky, a man cut off another man's beard – and forced him to eat it. In a related story, I am staying the hell out of Kentucky.

There's a new smartphone app that tests for STDs by having users urinate on a computer chip – and then insert the chip into your phone. Finally – a way to get urine inside my phone!

Yesterday, the Gap opened its first store in China. And today, 60 million Chinese workers showed up wearing the same khakis.

According to the Washington Post, there is a national shortage of the hallucinogenic drug peyote. But if you want to spend a week in the Mojave desert talking with coyotes, there's always Jagermeister.

In England, a new restaurant has opened that's just for dogs.  It's the only restaurant where the waiter asks, "Would you like to sniff the cork and my ass?"

My favorite thing about November? Limited Edition Turkey M&M’s.

I'm so excited by the challenge of creating an all-new show on an all-new channel. And the even more exciting challenge of trying to find that channel.

In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him "a hero."  Personally, I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, "Now you do me."

Reports suggest that passages from George W. Bush's new book may have been lifted from other books.  Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort.

Former President Clinton has a cameo in the new "Hangover 2" movie.  When asked why Clinton is in the movie, producers said, "There are some things Mike Tyson will not do."

Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana.  So Arizona is now the 15th state you can pretend to have glaucoma in.

In Alaska, a thief broke into a home and found $100,000 in cash but only took $20,000.  Police are now on the lookout for a man with simple dreams.

There are a number of websites in India that offer to write essays for American students.  Teachers say they can tell which essays are from India because they always start, "Hello Ma'am, and how are you today?"

There is a social networking site that pairs up women who want breast implants with men who will pay for them. You can check it out at losangelescalifornia.com.

People are criticizing the new high-tech airport security scanners. They're afraid that pictures of their genitals could end up on the Internet.  Apparently, no one's told them that without pictures of genitals — there would be no Internet.

Former President George W. Bush broke ground today on the site of his Presidential Library. Or as he calls it, "Big George's Shushy Place."

While in Thailand, former President Bill Clinton shot a cameo for the movie, "The Hangover 2."  When asked what he was doing in Thailand, Bill Clinton got very quiet.

The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's made-up word "refudiate" the 2010 word of the year.  Palin was honored and said she'll continue to do her best to "dismangle" the English language.

A woman in China is getting a lot of attention for being the first mother to go on Chinese television and say something supportive about having a gay son. Unfortunately, all she said was "It's still better than having a daughter."

A cruise line is offering a so-called, "Cougar Cruise" for women in their forties and fifties and much younger men.  The cruise will get underway as soon as a man signs up.

Scientists now think that Neanderthals lived fast and died young.  So don't expect season 3 of "Jersey Shore."   

Today, Jack-in-the-Box offered 2 free tacos to all their customers who came in after 2 o'clock. No one took them up on it.

A recent study has found that people with high IQs are more likely to be up late.  In a related story, TBS is moving us to afternoons at 3pm.

According to the ancient Mayan Calendar, this year Txlaquatl falls on a Mxipoltec.

Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien.  And as a safety precaution, you're more than welcome to touch my junk.

Authorities say a 67-year-old man in Wisconsin was so enraged over Bristol Palin's "Dancing with the Stars" routine he blasted his television with a shotgun. All I can say is, I'm glad this guy doesn't have TBS.

Bristol Palin and "The Jersey Shore's" The Situation are in a new Public Service Announcement promoting abstinence. Unfortunately, there's an awkward moment halfway through the PSA when they have sex.

President George W. Bush's new memoir came out this week and it has already sold 800,000 copies.  In a related story, the Bush Presidential Library announced it purchased its first 800,000 books.

In Saudi Arabia, officials recently shut down access to Facebook—saying that some of the content had "crossed the line."  Apparently, the last straw was a Facebook game called, "Rate the Ankles."

A new Justin Bieber doll hit stores this week.  It's 18 inches tall with no genitalia—still no word on what the doll is like.

Tourism experts say that the city of Paris, France has a serious bed bug problem. When they heard about it, French people said "Looks like 500 years of not showering has come back to literally bite us in the ass."

In Detroit, a man recently bought a Powerball ticket worth $128 million at an adult book store.  See kids—look what can happen when you turn off your fancy internet and masturbate to BOOKS.

A Pennsylvania man has been charged with stealing and swallowing his mother's ring, and police are now waiting for him to excrete it. They've been telling him "We can do this the easy way, or the Taco Bell way."

TSA chief John Pistole says he and his boss, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, have each personally received the new, more invasive TSA pat-down.  It's being called, "the world's least sexy threesome."

A California District Attorney has vowed to prosecute any TSA agent who touches a passenger inappropriately. The DA said, "There's a time and a place for inappropriately touching a Californian, and it's called ‘an audition.'"

Donald Trump wants to see if people think he should run for President so a website has been launched called shouldtrumprun.com. The American public has responded with their own website, no.com.

Levi Johnston has announced that he's not going to do any more interviews for awhile. When asked why, Levi said "Because I've already used all the words I know."

Facebook and MySpace are planning to make a joint announcement today.  To make sure people get the message, they are only posting it on Facebook.

Experts believe that by the year 2066, white people will be a minority in Great Britain. So as a precaution, the country plans to change its name to Tyler Perry's Great Britain.

This past weekend, more than 40 teams of Harry Potter fans met in New York City to compete for the 4th Annual Quidditch World Cup.  Out of respect for their families, the names of the winners were not announced.

Thinking of removing my calf implants. My eyes are up here, ladies.

TLC announced that ratings for “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” are much bigger than the show it replaced, “Joe Lieberman’s Connecticut.”

Had a good weekend.  I went out and saw the new hit movie, "Harry Potter and the Long Line of Single People."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that she would not like to go through the new TSA pat-downs.  After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "I think we all know where Hillary stands on being touched."

This past weekend, all 33-of the trapped Chilean miners were here in Los Angeles for an interview with CNN. But after a day of sitting in traffic, they decided to go back to the mine.

]The turkey President Obama pardons this year will come from California.  A spokesman for the turkey says it doesn't need a pardon, it needs a job.

There's now a version of "Rolling Stone" magazine that's being published specifically for the Middle East. It's called, "Throwing Stone."

MySpace announced that it will now let people use their MySpace accounts to log into Facebook. In another big change, MySpace is officially changing its name to "Facebook's-Bitch.com."

A company in New Zealand has begun making a recreational jetpack that costs $100,000. Experts are already calling it "The world's most expensive way to die."

The other day, Bill Nye "The Science Guy" collapsed while giving a speech. Luckily, the speech was being attended by his brother: Mike Nye "The Mouth-to-Mouth Guy."

Oprah Winfrey surprised her audience with a Royal Caribbean Cruise, a $2,400 Philip Stein watch, and a 52-inch Sony 3-D Television. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you people here tonight came to the wrong show.

A male TSA agent wrote on a blog that he hates coming to work, "knowing full well that my hands will be feeling another man's private parts, their butt, their inner thigh."  The man has since quit the TSA so he could write songs for Lil' Kim. 

A company in San Francisco is coming out with "Gluttony Pants" specifically designed for overeating.  Or as Americans call them, "Pants."

North and South Korea exchanged artillery fire over a border dispute.  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling it, "a significant geopolitical flareup," and Bill Clinton is calling it "Hot Asian-on-Asian Action."

The royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton may be filmed in 3D. Experts say this is terrible news for Prince Charles' ears.

The Pope said that it's okay for male prostitutes to use condoms when they have sex with their customers. But ONLY if they're really really in love.

The Dalai Lama says that when he retires he expects to be replaced by someone from India.  So it's official, people in India are now taking everyone's jobs.

The show "60 Minutes" now has an app for the iPad.  The "60 Minutes" app is called "iWillHaveMyGranddaughterExplainThisToMe."

Campbell's Soups announced its sales have fallen by almost 10%.  Some are blaming this on the unpopularity of Campbell's new flavor, "Cream of Charlie Sheen."

Last night Bristol Palin lost to Jennifer Grey on "Dancing with the Stars". The good news is, when a Palin loses, they tend to just sort of quietly disappear.

Today a woman here in California wore a bikini to the Los Angeles airport hoping to bypass the TSA pat-down. That woman is still being patted down.

It's being reported that the new TSA pat downs have been especially upsetting for the very small number of people who are named "Pat Downs."  Also not thrilled – Delta Airlines pilot Jim Rectalsearch.

In England, the Royal Family has announced that they will pay for Prince William's wedding to Kate Middleton. When he heard this, Mr. Middleton said "You're goddamn right you will."

Bill Clinton will travel to Zurich next week to present reasons why the United States should host the 2022 World Cup. At least that's what he told Hillary.

The Dalai Lama has announced that he will be giving up many of his duties as the spiritual leader of Tibet in anticipation of retirement. Luckily, he's already trained his successor – son-in-law Dirk Lama.

In France, a man has been arrested for giving marijuana to some local ducks. Authorities became suspicious when the ducks stopped eating bread – and started demanding Chex Mix.

Larry King has been named the Grand Marshal of this year's Hollywood Christmas Parade.  Parade officials said, they decided to honor Jesus with another 2,000 year old Jewish guy.

The other day, more than 40 high school and college teams went to New York City to compete in the 4th Annual Quidditch Tourament.  It's been 4 years now and not a single competitor has gotten hurt or gotten laid.

A new study claims that men often become aroused by the smell of pumpkin pie. This study was published in "Things to Say When You're Caught with Your Penis in a Pie" Magazine.

As if the TSA couldn’t get any creepier, today they announced they’re changing their name to Uncle TSA.

Today is a big online shopping day which is officially called Cyber Monday.  It's followed up tomorrow by "Identity Theft Tuesday."

President Obama got elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama says it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank.

During a recent interview, Sarah Palin said, "We've got to stand with our North Korean allies."  When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, "I'm sorry I meant East Korea."

After dropping a touchdown pass, a wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills sent an angry tweet blaming God.  Lucky for him, he blamed the Old Testament God who is still on MySpace.

Former President George W. Bush stopped by Facebook's headquarters today for a live Q & A. Unfortunately, Bush spent the entire time on "Farmville" clearing brush.

Time Warner Cable is testing a premium service which sets a specific time for the cable installer to arrive.  The two times available are "Winter" and "Spring."

According to Bing, the most popular search term in 2010 has been "Kim Kardashian." The second most popular search term was, "What is Bing?"

Police in Brazil raided the office of a high-profile drug lord and found 11 tons of marijuana, weapons and a hand-painted mural of Justin Bieber.  Incidentally, this is the only drug cartel whose kingpin is a 14-year-old girl.

On this year's "Most Fascinating People Special," Barbara Walters will interview the cast of "Jersey Shore."  So it's official: Barbara Walters is very easily fascinated.

Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish friends out there.  And by that I mean my writing staff and La Bamba.

Tonight at the White House, President Obama will hold a ceremony for the first night of Hanukkah.  In response, the Republicans said, "It's even worse than we thought—he's a Jewish Muslim."

According to leaked Wikileaks documents, US officials think Afghan Leader Hamid Karzai is "paranoid" and "weak."  When reached for comment, Karzai said, "I was afraid of something like this but I guess there is nothing I can do."

The Federal Deficit Commission is proposing raising the retirement age to 69.  In other words, they want Brett Favre to play 2 more years. 

TSA Administrator John Pistole recently said that he would not permit the use of the full-body cavity search.  Pistole said he prefers to use the term, "rectal piñata."

In a recent interview, former President George W. Bush says that he's a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he calls it: his "glowing, magic window."

The Obama administration recently set aside over 180 Million acres of land for polar bears.  When she heard about it, Sarah Palin said, "Todd – get my gun."

A Senator from Oklahoma said he will not participate in his state's holiday parade until they put "Christ" in the event's title.  So everyone get ready this winter's "Christ, it's cold out!" parade.

Two Oklahoma women were arrested for shoplifting over $2,000 worth of merchandise by hiding it in their body fat.  Police recovered the goods by telling the women, "We can do this the easy way, or the disgusting way."

"Playboy" has released a special hard drive that contains every issue of "Playboy" ever published. Finally – a way to look at naked ladies on a computer!

Bingo was created on this day in 1929. Coincidently, everyone who plays bingo was also created on this day back in 1929.

In a recent interview, Justin Bieber said that, despite having millions of dollars, he plans to go to college in a few years.  Bieber said he plans to major in "Somewhere-Between-Men-And-Women's Studies."

Tonight is the second night of Hanukkah.  Actually since it's TBS, we're just re-running the first night.

Grammy nominations came out last night—Cee-Lo's song "F--- You" was nominated for Song of the Year.  Cee-Lo said he will sing the song if he wins and will definitely sing it if he loses. 

"Facebook" creator Mark Zuckerberg appeared on "60 Minutes."  So in other words, Zuckerberg was interviewed by the only people currently not on Facebook.

In Norway, a boss recently made all of his female employees start wearing red bracelets when they're on their periods so he could regulate their bathroom breaks.  His body has still not been found.

Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband is threatening to release a sex tape that's 21 hours long. Even stranger, the entire thing is narrated by Morgan Freeman.

According to health officials, teenagers have started smoking nutmeg to get high. Man, does this recession suck or what?

In Japan, a produce company is selling "Mozart Bananas" – which are bananas that have ripened in a room where Mozart is playing.  The company hopes their Mozart Bananas go over better than their Sir Mix-A-Lot Yams.

Tonight is the sixth night of the Jewish holiday "Hanukkah."  Hanukkah lasts for 8 straight nights or the length of a Kanye West press conference.

Today Iran began holding hold high-level talks about its nuclear program with six major world powers. The participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France and Oprah Winfrey.

A number of states are trying anything they can do to get themselves out of debt.  Among those taking the most desperate measures: Illinois, Arizona, and North Da-CocaCola.

In prison the other day, Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone under his mattress. In his defense, Apparently, Manson said he was only using it to stab people.

According to a recent report, Borders Books may buy out Barnes and Noble. But only so it can use their bathroom.

The newest craze in book publishing is novels about the Amish.  Which explains the #1 New York Times bestseller, "How Jebediah Got His Groove Back."

Developers in Kentucky plan on opening a creationist theme park.  When asked what the creationist theme park will look like, developers said, "It's still evolving."

The biggest winner on Black Friday was Costco, which saw a 9% increase in sales.  So kids, I hope you're excited to rush downstairs Christmas morning and tear open a 12-gallon barrel of olives!

In Florida, a man recently received a lifetime ban from Wal-Mart because he was caught masturbating inside the store. A spokesman for Wal-Mart is calling him their "worst greeter ever."

As a lifelong Patriots fan, I hope they win, and as a compulsive gambler, I hope it’s by less than 3 1/2 points.

Today Oprah Winfrey, took 300 members of her audience on an 8 day journey across Australia.  Not to be outdone, I will drive 2 of you to Outback Steakhouse.

It's Hanukkah – and a group of students in New York recently broke the Guinness World record for "most people spinning dreidels at one time." So now the world record is 2.

The military issued a report claiming that 27% of young adults are too overweight to enlist – and the name of the report is "Too Fat to Fight."  The best chapter is the one about paratroopers called "Too Plump to Jump."

The other day in prison, Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone underneath his mattress.  And you thought it was creepy getting a text from Brett Favre…

7-11 announced that it is developing a house wine called "Cherrywood Cellars."  Finally, a wine that you can microwave.

In a new survey, one out of three men age 75 to 95 describe themselves as "sexually active." The other two out of three describe themselves as "not rich."

More than a billion new $100 bills are now in storage due to a printing error. The Fed didn't want to go into details about the error, but let's just say Ben Franklin never had a Tramp Stamp.

This year's highest paid female and male reality TV stars are Kim Kardashian, who made $6 million dollars, and the "Jersey Shore's" The Situation, who made $3 million dollars. Let this be a lesson kids: stay out of school.

In an interview with Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey said she is "not even kind of a lesbian."  It was an awkward moment, because it was in response to the question, "How was your flight?"

On a recent worldwide math test, American teenagers ranked 25th out of 34 countries.  When they heard this, American teens said, "Yeah right – like there's 34 countries!"

New York City taxi drivers have been asked to begin racially profiling their passengers. The drivers are being told to report "anyone who looks like them."

The other day in prison, Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone underneath his mattress. Guards became suspicious when they noticed that Manson had started wearing a Bluetooth headset.

President Obama appeared on the Discovery Channel show, "Mythbusters" to test the feasibility of Archimedes's legendary solar ray.  If that doesn't boost his approval rating nothing will.

7-11 recently announced that they are going to start selling their own brand of wine.  So finally, 7-11 is selling something that's SUPPOSED to sit on the shelf for decades.

In Louisiana, two 6-year-olds and a 3-year-old are being accused of robbing a home.  However, their attorney has entered a plea of "Nah-Uh!"

Former "Baywatch" actress Donna D'Errico claims she was forced to go through a full TSA pat-down just because of her looks.  Not only that, she claims she was forced to star on "Baywatch" just because of her looks. 

Jennifer Lopez' ex-husband is trying to release a sex tape he made of the two of them.  Jennifer Lopez says she plans to keep people from seeing the movie by promoting it heavily.

16 billionaires, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, signed a pledge that says they will give away most of their money.  In a related story, today Zuckerberg got 50 million new friend requests.

Facebook founder Marc Zuckerberg has signed a pledge to give away most of his money.  He's going to do it by investing heavily in MySpace.

According to Wikileaks, the airing of American TV in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism.  Apparently, would-be terrorists watch our reality shows and realize that they've already won.

One of the most popular shows in Afghanistan is a police drama produced with American money.  The Afghan cop show is called, "Murder, She Wasn't Permitted to Write." 

On a recent worldwide math test, American teenagers ranked 25th out of 34 countries. When they heard they were 25th out of 34, American teenagers said, "Whoa whoa whoa – what's with all the numbers?"

Because a Chinese dissident won this year's Nobel Peace Prize, China has started to censor news on the internet regarding the Nobel Prize ceremony.  For example, China's claiming Bristol Palin won.

According to a new study, fewer American women over 40 are now getting annual mammograms.  Even worse, the place most of them get the mammogram is in the TSA screening line.

It's been reported that many Orthodox Jews are starting to cautiously embrace the Internet. For example, they've already started sending spam emails offering to "slightly decrease your penis size right after you're born."

A new report says that 1 in 3 men from ages 75 to 95 are sexually active. So remember old ladies – if you want to have a threesome – you're actually going to need 6 guys.

The roof of the Metrodome, where the Minnesota Vikings play, collapsed over the weekend. So I guess even God wants Brett Favre to retire.

Ukraine announced plans to open the site of its nuclear meltdown at Chernobyl to tourists next year.  They say going to Chernobyl is just like going to Disneyland, except the 6 foot mouse is real.

Anderson Cooper announced the name of his new talk show is, "Anderson." I think I speak for everyone here on the staff of "Conan" when I say, "God, what an ego!"

According to "Time" magazine, the top Tweet of 2010 was written by John McCain.  Experts say it's even more impressive – considering that McCain thought he was opening his garage door.

At Boston University, many people are complaining about a new website where students can log on and rank other students in terms of "hotness."  Many of the complaints come from a woman who is at most a "3."

Google has announced their "strangest Google searches of 2010" – and #1 on the list is "Can a horse have OCD?"  Apparently the search was made 50 times a day – every day – by a horse.

At a church in Easthampton, Massachusetts, baby Jesus has been stolen from the Nativity Scene 3 times in the last 12 years.  Which explains Easthampton's newest Christmas tradition: "The Bike Locking of the Baby Jesus."

Today, Brazil successfully launched a rocket into space. Brazil is now preparing for the rocket's return by carefully trimming and waxing the landing.

The latest Rock Band videogame might be too realistic. It’s just four smelly guys sleeping on a bus as they cross Ohio at night.

After a long and illustrious career, this is Larry King's final week of shows.  He's been at it a long time.  When asked about it, Larry said the call-in portion of his show really took off after they invented the telephone. 

People think they've found the old internet dating profile of WikiLeaks' founder Julian Assange and now it's been posted online.  After hearing about it, Assange was furious and said, "Some things are supposed to be private."

Costco recently confirmed that it will no longer sell Apple products in their stores. Apparently, no one wants to buy a 124-pack of iPads.

On Sunday, for the first time ever, an all-female team won CBS's "The Amazing Race."  The two women described their secret technique as "asking directions."

According to a recent survey, the most hated emoticon is the smiley face with his tongue sticking out.  What most people don't realize is that he's not making fun of you – he's just having a seizure.

The Olive Garden recently sponsored a contest where the winner wins a trip to Italy.  I don't know about you but I'm personally hoping the winner is their chef.

A 68-year-old department store Santa Claus was fired after a woman complained that he told a risqué joke.  The woman said, "When I sit on an old man's lap and tell him how naughty I am, I expect to be treated with respect."

The country of Thailand recently opened its first condom museum.  Because if there's one place that celebrates responsible sexual behavior – it's Thailand.

So excited - today, WikiLeaks will reveal what channel TBS is on!

Time Magazine has named Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg its "Person of the Year."  Zuckerberg said it was a tremendous honor, and then asked, "What's a magazine?"

Today, President Obama met with a group of CEOs from top companies about creating more jobs for Americans.  The CEOs told Obama, "We'll see what we can do" then they went back home to China.

President Obama has appointed Jon Bon Jovi to a White House Council that works to solve community problems.  Obama made the decision because he thought it would be fun to say at least once, "Get Bon Jovi on it!"

Yesterday, the Marine Corps' top general suggested that allowing gay soldiers on the battlefield would pose "a distraction." Then he added, "Especially the really hot ones."

The fear of getting stuck in a chimney is called santaclaustrophobia. I wrote that joke when I was eight, and it still holds up.

Larry King started out his broadcasting career when he was just 23. It was a different world back than—Larry's first interview question was, "Why only 10 commandments?"

At Los Angeles airport, a group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain passengers as they're going through security.  Of course it's not helping that the only song the TSA choir sings is Journey's "Loving, Touching, Squeezing."

Wikileaks editor Julian Assange was granted bail by a London court today.  At a press conference, Assange said he will not be silenced and then told everyone who their Secret Santa is.

A hotel in the United Arab Emirates has unveiled the most expensive Christmas tree ever, valued at 11 million dollars.  I never thought I'd say this, but I believe the United Arab Emirates has lost sight of the meaning of Christmas!

During a recent interview, former President Jimmy Carter said that someday soon, Americans could elect a gay president. Then he winked, put on some lipstick, and said, "Or MAYBE they already did, girlfriend!"

According to a new survey, Facebook is the best company to work for in the upcoming year. That's mainly because it's the only place where your boss can't say anything if he catches you screwing around on Facebook.

In a new interview, Michael Vick said he'd like to own a dog someday.  When asked to comment, dogs everywhere said, "Meow."

An Atlanta-based rapper is suing 50 Cent for copyright infringement.  50 Cent is being sued for copyright infringement by the rapper "One Quarter, Two Dimes and a Nickel."

I think tickets to “CONAN” is a nice Christmas gift, I don’t know what my staff is complaining about.

Starting Friday it has rained here in Los Angeles for 4 straight days with no end in sight.  Apparently, God is really angry Larry King went off the air.

It's been raining for 4 days here—I can tell most of my studio audience must be from out of town.  No one in Los Angeles leaves their home when it rains.

Over the weekend, the Senate officially voted to allow gay soldiers to serve in the military. This is great news for gay soldiers and bad news for straight soldiers who were planning to say they were gay to get out of the Army.

A new Kanye West Christmas song has been leaked online. It's called "Enough About the Baby Jesus – Let's Talk About Me."

A new study says that having casual sex does not kill your chances of having a long-term relationship with that person. The study was published by the Institute of Guys.

Jersey Shore star "Ronnie" has been charged with assaulting a man off-camera during a taping.  If convicted, Ronnie could face up to 3 years in a library.

A maker of women's sanitary pads has unveiled a new ad campaign saying their product will keep you from experiencing "Wikileaks."  Hey, at least it's better than their last ad slogan: "Caps your spill faster than BP."

Driving conditions are terrible. It's so bad, I was driving home last night, and saw Lindsay Lohan slide onto the road.

This is the Winter Solstice—this means today was the shortest day of the year.  Unless your kid dragged you to the new Yogi Bear movie.

The big movie this past weekend was "Tron."  It's a mind-bending science fiction tale of a man who spends two hours inside a computer but somehow finds absolutely NO porn.

Researchers have discovered that in ancient Mexico, wolves were frequently cross-bred with dogs. Experts describe the process as "less fun for the dog."

In Germany, an airport recently hired clowns to try and entertain grumpy passengers whose flights had been delayed. None of the clowns survived.

A theater in Chicago is staging a version of Charles Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" starring Klingons from Star Trek. The show honors the true meaning of Christmas because the audience is full of virgins.

Kim Kardashian said Christmas is her family's favorite holiday. Kim says it's the only time of the year she and her sisters aren't insulted when they hear, "Ho, ho, ho."

It's been raining so hard that the rain briefly washed the hair out of Justin Bieber's eyes.

It's raining so hard that Charlie Sheen locked a mermaid in his closet.

We've had record amounts of rain in Southern California.  Which explains the new show on Bravo, "The Real Houseboat Wives of Beverly Hills."

This morning, President Obama signed the official repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" into law. He would have signed it last night but supporters of the bill didn't want to miss last night's episode of Glee.

According to a new report, fewer Santas-for-hire are finding work this holiday season.  I took my kids to the mall to see Santa, and they had to tell their Christmas wishes over the phone to Rajiv in Bangalore.

There is a new web video that tells the story of the baby Jesus and what it would have been like if there was Facebook back then.  For instance, Joseph describes his relationship with the Virgin Mary as "It's complicated."

According to a new survey, 70% of dog owners will give their dog a Christmas present.  The most popular dog gift is a plastic bone, the least popular…a Michael Vick jersey.

The Washington Post says that many religiously conservative people are getting upset at the TSA's new patdown procedures.  Most offended are Catholic priests, who've been telling the screeners, "You're doing it wrong!"

Passengers on a recent Virgin Atlantic flight from New York became outraged when the flight crew allowed Madonna to exit the plane way before everyone else.  However, their outrage turned to joy when they realized the plane was still in the air.

This holiday weekend, Chicago's Midway airport is featuring live blues and jazz performances for passengers waiting at baggage claim. Not to be outdone, New York's JFK airport will feature baggage belonging to the passengers in Chicago.

A new article ranks the "20 Best Christmas Cities for Kids."  And once again the worst Christmas city for kids: Mecca.

Conservative televangelist Pat Robertson has come out in favor of decriminalizing marijuana. Apparently, Robertson just got to that part of the Bible where Jesus tells the Apostles to "chill."

This holiday season, there is a smart phone app that will tell you how drunk you are. Even better, the app tells you where your pants are and why Brenda left you.

China has opened the first ever all robot-waiter restaurant.  The sad part is they were designed to be robot actors.

The producers of the injury plagued Spiderman musical now say they have put in a new safety precaution. Now during the part where Spiderman is supposed to fly over the audience, he will instead act out a scene from the Vagina Monologues.

This week in Florida, an 89-year-old woman graduated from college.  There was an awkward moment at the end of the ceremony – when she tossed her hat in the air – and her arm went with it.

I love these post-Holiday bargains. Who knew I could get Megan Fox’s underwear for just 12 thousand dollars?

After seeing "Black Swan" last night, I no longer think I have what it takes to be a great ballerina.

Just saw "Storage Wars," where people bid on items in storage containers. Mankind is two months away from being completely out of ideas.

Welcome to our first show of 2011.  Actually, to be honest, it's the first show of 2011 that TBS was willing to air.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child.  They said they knew they were pregnant when they heard a tiny sperm yell, "GOOOOOALLLL!!!!!"

At this weekend's annual Consumer Electronics Show, one of the big attractions was 3-D television sets. Apparently, it's the first time the people on "Jersey Shore" showed any depth.

Earlier today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie signed the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation.  Then someone gave Governor Christie a wedgie and said, "Ha-ha – you've got a girl's last name!"

Mickey Rourke says he is removing his two front teeth for an upcoming movie role.  The movie is called, "The Mickey Rourke Story."

A South Korean film director has made the first ever fantasy movie filmed entirely on an iPhone.  He made the movie by going to see "Harry Potter" and holding up his iPhone.

A company has created a bathroom scale that allows you to tweet your weight to your friends.  The company immediately went out of business.

Yesterday in New York City, hundreds of New Yorkers rode the subway with no pants on because it was the annual "No Pants Subway Ride."  And today, hundreds of New Yorkers rode the subway with no pants on because it was Monday.

In California, a 98-year-old woman now has 100 grandchildren.  When asked about it, the woman said, "Most of the credit goes to my incredibly slutty daughters." 

Anyone notice the date?  Today is January 11th, which makes it 1-11-11—something that only happens every 100 years.  When someone told Larry King he said, "This again."

Today is 1-11-11.  Normally, if you want to see 5 "ones" at the same time you'd have to watch "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

In the Tostitos BCS Championship game, Auburn defeated Oregon to win the National Championship trophy, presented by Dr. Pepper.  But the real winner was diabetes.

"American Idol" producers are saying when the show returns next week with two new celebrity judges, there will be less put-downs and more support for the contestants. In other words, this will be the last season of "American Idol."

MGM Studios has announced that, despite their financial troubles, they will be releasing a new James Bond film next year.  In light of the tough economic times, it will be titled "License to Kill, And Sell Real Estate on the Side."

A Swedish firm has designed an efficient city that features buildings on wheels that can be moved in or out of town as desired.  This ingenious city of the future is known as a "trailer park."

A man in Canada is suing a company claiming the penis enlarger he bought from them doesn't work.  The penis enlargement company was shocked and said, "We've never had someone willing to testify against us in open court before."

Right now there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states with the only exception being Florida.  In other words in all 50 states, people are driving 20 MPH on the highway.

Today San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation's first gay history museum. The museum is called "San Francisco."

In recent interviews, Natalie Portman has been describing her solo sex scene in "Black Swan" as "super-awkward."  Meanwhile, guys have been describing it as "the thing that made them see a movie about ballet."

Disney has announced they'll be opening a theme park in Israel.  Officials predict the most popular attraction will be the famous boat ride "It's a Small Yet Occupied Territory."

MGM says that the next James Bond movie almost didn't get made because the economy is so bad.  Which explains the newest Bond villain: Cash4Goldfinger.

A prominent scientist has written a book urging NASA to send couples into space to study the effects of zero gravity on sex.  He also wants to send married couples into space to study the effects of zero sex.

The other day a man held up a bank and demanded that the teller hand over all of her 20-, 40- and 60-dolllar bills.  Luckily he left after the teller told him, "Sir, all I have are 80s."

In Japan, a video game developer has made a new game for bathrooms that users control with their urine stream. The game is available exclusively on the Nintendo Wii-Wii.

Just days after the History Channel said it would not air a miniseries on the Kennedys, Showtime is also turning it down. Fortunately, TBS has agreed to air it under the title "Tyler Perry's House of Kennedys."

Earlier today, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gave a speech to Arab leaders and she urged them to enact real reform.  Halfway through her speech, Arab leaders looked around and asked, "Why is a woman talking?"

Disney has announced that they'll be opening a theme park in Israel. To fit in with Israeli sensibilities, its nickname will be changed from "The Happiest Place on Earth" to "It Could Be Worse."

The Food and Drug Administration announced it will require the makers of Vicodin and Percocet to reduce their most potent ingredient. The announcement was made by the FDA's medical chief, "Dr. Buzzkill."

There's a story in the paper about how more and more Golfers are buying special GPS devices that tell them how far away they are from the hole.  The bad news, it's not for golf…

There's a new Website that allows you to do Facebook, Twitter, email, web surf and read the news all in one place.  That one place is called, "work." 

In a new survey, employers said that worst mistake a job applicant can make is chewing gum or under-dressing.  Also not a great idea, picking up a framed picture of the boss' daughter off his desk and saying "Mind if I keep this?"

According to a new report, Facebook is not popular in Japan because Japanese people are traditionally introverted and private. The report was written by someone who has never set foot in a karaoke bar.

Actress Winona Ryder says she is afraid of the internet, and that "the Googling" will lead her to be a member of Al Qaeda. In a related story, Winona Ryder has become your grandmother.

Officials in Memphis are trying to figure out what to do about a high school where 90 girls are pregnant.  For starters, they are going to get rid of their mascot, "The Leaky Trojan."

WARNING: This tweet is not for younger readers! OK, here we go. Tits.

Tonight we're going to feature the only 2 celebrities who were not insulted by Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes.

I was relieved Ricky didn't mention me.  Then this morning, I took a shower and Ricky popped his head through the curtain and said, "You call that a penis?"

In an interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said that being governor of California cost him at least $200 million in lost movie roles.  However, most moviegoers say it was worth it.

Sources say Brett Favre has officially filed his retirement papers with the NFL.  He was able to do it quickly by going right to the NFL's "Brett Favre Retirement Window."

The creators of "Glee" say that their Super Bowl episode will include "intense makeup, a couple of unexpected kisses, and a huge musical number with flaming whips." In other words, it's a rerun.

Starting in May, Starbucks will offer an extra-extra-large drink size known as "Trenta." Starbucks says "trenta" is an Italian word meaning, "6 More Ounces of Burnt Coffee."

According to a new study, video games can worsen your level of depression.  Among the games found most likely to increase depression: "Call of Whatever" and "Guitar Loser."

In LA this morning, a woman gave birth to a healthy baby on the shoulder of the 605 Freeway.  It's amazing what people will do out here just to use the carpool lane.

The Chilean Miners who were trapped in a mine for 69 days have formed their own corporation.  Finally – a company to give you advice on how to almost die underground.

Last week, police pulled over Gary Busey after they got a tip that he was driving erratically.  Apparently, the tip was, "Gary Busey is driving."

The NAACP Image Award Nominations were just announced, and the leader among all cable networks was our new home, TBS.  All I want to say is, TBS, you're welcome.

Today, Regis Philbin announced that he'll be retiring after 40 years on television.  It's a shame, because Regis was only 60 years shy of breaking Larry King's record.

In a new interview, Oprah Winfrey said she has had her heart broken twice but she wouldn't say by whom. She did, however, say where she had the bodies buried.

China in an effort to shed positive light on their leader, Hu Jintao, showed a flattering video of him in New York's Times Square.  Apparently, it worked because today, Jintao was adopted by a lesbian couple on the upper west side.

It's being reported that Kanye West will have a gay love scene in an upcoming movie.  The scene will involve a mirror and Kanye West.

200 cows recently died in the middle of a field in Wisconsin – and no one knows the cause of death.  However, authorities suspect boredom.

Lakers star Ron Artest is in trouble for working a plug for In-N-Out Burger into a post-game interview. All I can say is how dare he make a shameless plug in the Staples Center?

Despite cutting half of the city's police force, the mayor of Camden, New Jersey says that the city's crime statistics will not be affected.  When asked how that's possible, he cited the new law which makes stabbing a misdemeanor. 

In a recent interview, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi said she no longer wants to be referred to as "Snooki."  Snooki says from now on, she'd just like to be called "That slutty orange thing."

I can't wait to try the new gigantic Starbucks size, "Trenta". Or as it's called in The Midwest, "A Medium".

After months of negotiations, the government has finally told cable giant Comcast that they may purchase NBC.  I just have one thing to say: Keep your receipt.

Earlier tonight, President Obama held a state dinner for the Premier of China, Hu Jintao.  The world leader with the funny name who grew up in Asia said he enjoyed meeting Jintao.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he will not be attending tonight's State Dinner because he considers Hu Jintao "a dictator."  In response, Jintao said, "You'll be coming, you'll have the fish, and you'll like it!"

Today the new Republican-controlled House voted on whether to repeal the health care bill. And if that goes well, they're going to see what they can do about this whole "women voting" business.

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said he's considering doing a new movie where he plays a Nazi.  After being Governor of California, Arnold says he's looking for a role where people will hate him less.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is caught in a scandal involving a 17-year-old prostitute. Berlusconi was outraged and said, "She told me she was a 16 year old prostitute!"

A shortage of a popular brand of tampons is creating a bidding war on ebay, where bids are as high as $76. I'm no expert, but I think if a woman will pay $76 for a tampon, let her have it.

In New Mexico, two third-graders have been caught smoking marijuana.  Apparently, they smoke a lot of pot because both third-graders are 19 years old.

In Australia, a couple was saved from drowning by using their inflatable sex doll as a raft. Afterwards, the husband turned to the wife and said, "And you wanted to leave her at HOME!"

The restaurant chain Long John Silvers is for sale. The company is currently looking for a buyer who has never eaten at a Long John Silvers.

Starting in March, Playboy is going to be available on the iPad. It's perfect for the guy who prefers to masturbate in a crowded coffee shop.

Last night American Idol premiered with two new judges, one of whom is 62 year old Steven Tyler. Is it me, or is it weird when judges on the Supreme Court are younger than judges on American Idol?

Last night, President Obama held a State Dinner at the White House for Chinese leader Hu Jintao.  At the end of the meal, Jintao opened a fortune cookie that said, "You will lend us another trillion dollars." 

More and more facts are coming out about Chinese leader Hu Jintao – and apparently he is excellent at table tennis and has a photographic memory.  He's also very very good at reinforcing stereotypes.

During Chinese Premier Hu Jintao's visit to the White House, Jintao shared a nice moment with 9-year-old Sasha Obama.  Jintao reportedly told her she was a pretty little girl and asked her how many iPods she could make in an hour.

The producers of the Broadway musical "Spiderman" have come up with a new ending. It's called "Telling the investors all their money is gone."

The dating Website e-Harmony is looking for a new CEO. Strangely, the only thing it specifies in the job description is "No Fatties."

A new study found that nearly 1 out of 3 people can't resist using Facebook while in the bathroom.  I'm just grateful they're not using Skype. 

Wal-Mart says they've developed a plan to help their customers eat healthier.  Step 1: lock the door to Wal-Mart.

Rapper Lil Wayne said that he just read the Bible for the first time, and his favorite part was when a "character was once this, but he ended up being that."  No one has the heart to tell Lil Wayne he was actually reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar."

It's been reported that Charlie Sheen tried to pick up a woman using the line "I'm an A-List actor."  This is an improvement over Sheen's old pick-up line, "Do you take American Express?"

Today, Oprah Winfrey announced that she has found her half-sister who was given up for adoption as child.  Then, so no one felt left out, Oprah Winfrey gave everyone in the audience their own half- sister.

Oprah Winfrey introduced her long-lost half- sister and had her on her show today.  When asked for comment, Oprah Winfrey's half-sister said, "Guess what mo-fo's, I'm rich!"

MSNBC abruptly ended its relationship with Keith Olbermann last week, and apparently, there's a provision in his contract which states he's not allowed on television for at least six months.  Or, as industry experts call it, "the Conan."

Breaking tradition, Republicans and Democrats will sit together, intermingled at tomorrow's State of the Union address.  So, if for no other reason, just tune in for the raw sexual tension.

A Chicago court has ruled that former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel cannot run for Mayor of Chicago.  However, according to Chicago law, Emanuel is still perfectly free to purchase the position.

Today, the Pope praised Facebook but said it is no substitute for human interaction.  Then the Pope reminded everyone that human interaction is a sin. 

A class-action lawsuit has been filed against Taco Bell for false advertising.  The lawsuit is the result of Taco Bell's new slogan, "You Might Not Get Diarrhea."

A California company has developed a soda made with marijuana.  The soda is called "EXTREMELY Mello Yello."

Last week in Chicago, Kanye West had to close a restaurant he owned.  Apparently, the food was terrific but people were afraid that Kanye might show up.

President Obama focused his State of the Union speech on how to bring prosperity back to America.  It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah Winfrey we're her half-sister.

Three Supreme Court Justices Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas did not attend tonight's State of the Union address.  Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson.

The film "Winter's Bone" received 4 Oscar nominations. "Winter's Bone" was nominated for Best Picture, Best Supporting Actor, Best Actress, and Best Movie That Has the Same Name As Its Porn Version.

The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a "Day of Rage." Or as it's known in the Middle East, "Tuesday."

Republicans in Congress are pushing President Obama to cut the Federal Government's yearly subsidy to Amtrak. So far the most effective way they've suggested to keep Amtrak from getting that money is to send it there on Amtrak.

This year for the first time ever, the Super Bowl will have no cheerleaders because neither team has any.  Apparently, the Packers used to have cheerleaders but they froze to death.

A former Catholic priest who left the church to marry his girlfriend is getting a new TV show. It's called "You Won't Believe How I Met Your Mother."

For the fourth season of "Jersey Shore," the cast members will be headed to Italy.  It will mark the first time in history an Italian man will see a young American woman walking by and go, "You know what? I'm good."

The theme of President Obama's State of the Union was "Win the future." It was much more inspiring than the original theme: "Beat the rerun of Top Chef."

Egypt is now in its second day of angry street protests, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around.

Prince William and Kate Middleton recently sent out their save-the-date notices to wedding guests via fax.  Apparently, the date they're trying to save is sometime in 1983.

Oprah Winfrey says that when she was looking for advice on how to approach her half-sister, she consulted Dr. Phil. Unfortunately, Dr. Phil wasn't very much help – because he's a big dumb fraud.

Yesterday, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg had his own Facebook fan page hacked into. Zuckerberg immediately ordered the hacker to be tracked down, seized, and hired.

It's being widely reported that the meat content in Taco Bell's ground beef is only 36%. Which explains their new slogan, "Think Outside the Cow."

A recent study found that less than half of American students are proficient in science. Then again – the results of the study were tabulated by American math students – so who the hell knows.

Marriott recently announced that they're going to make all of their hotel rooms porn-free. When they heard this, men everywhere checked into a Marriott, unpacked their laptops, and said, "We'll just see about THAT!"

Disney has a new cruise ship – and onboard, Disney show-tunes play 24 hours a day. When he heard about it, Satan said, "These guys are good."

A former Catholic priest who left the Church to marry his girlfriend is getting a TV show. The show will be called "Leave It For Beaver."

President Obama answered questions on YouTube today and he was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana.  And that was just from Chad in Portland.

Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a "kill switch" that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret code name "Microsoft Windows."

This weekend is Oprah Winfrey's birthday.  I don't want to ruin the surprise but I hear this time she's getting a full sister!

A storm hit the east coast yesterday leaving 300,000 people in the Washington D.C. area without power.  The 300,000 people without power in Washington are called "Democrats." 

Last night's American Idol featured their youngest contestants ever. Some were so young, Steven Tyler hesitated before hitting on them.

North Korea has opened an amusement park comparable to Disneyland. I'm not sure how long it's going to last because Kim Jong-il isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides.

In Poland, there's a new board game for children designed to help them understand how hard life was under Communist rule.  It's called "Hungry Hungry Everyone."

A new study finds that four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation painfully awkward. Especially if the four seconds is preceded by the phrase, "I got the tests back."

The head of Taco Bell said reports that their tacos are only 36% beef are not true – that the real figure is 88%.  Then he said, "But trust me – with that last 12% - we get REAL creative."

L.A. is full of neurotic, egomaniacal attention whores. But there’s also bad people.

First there was Kermit, then Cookie Monster, and now Steven Tyler. Thanks, Jim Henson!

You know that button in the elevator with a fireman’s hat on it? Turns out that’s NOT the button you push to order a fireman’s hat.

American officials say they support the Egyptian protesters but are concerned about someone less stable replacing President Mubarak.  I think they've got a point because right now the favored candidate is "Mohammed Al-GaryBusey."

Some Americans are stuck in Egypt—The State Department told Americans scheduled to fly out of Egypt that they should bring their own food and water to the airport.  And also a plane.

Egyptian authorities have reported multiple incidents of people breaking into Museums and stealing mummies.  Turns out they're just stealing the mummies so they can drive in the carpool lane.

Over the past few days, many celebrities have been tweeting about the unrest in Egypt.  Larry King even offered to go to Egypt and personally speak to the Pharaoh.

Today California Governor Jerry Brown delivered his State of the State address. It wasn't very encouraging – Brown opened the speech by asking, "Anyone got a quarter?"  

A woman who claims P. Diddy is the father of her baby is suing him for 900 billion dollars.  The woman is being described as "very angry" and "very bad at math."

Charlie Sheen reportedly asked a porn star to babysit his kids – but Sheen's ex-wife Denise Richards has issued a statement saying no porn stars will be babysitting their children. It just goes to show – there's no ONE way to raise a family.

Taco Bell took out full-page ads in the Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, and USA Today detailing the facts about their beef.  Not surprisingly, the ad makes great bathroom reading.

The Super Bowl is this weekend – and this year, for the first time ever, the Super Bowl will not have cheerleaders. Apparently, they couldn't find any women willing to cheer on Ben Roethlisberger.

A British actor has been cast as the next Superman. So congratulations to Sir Ben Kingsley!

Good news—Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced he will not run for another term as President. The bad news is, this Spring he's taking over for Regis.

Ashton Kutcher, Ice T and Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit have all tweeted about the situation in Egypt.  Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said he won't do anything until Jared from Subway weighs in.

It was reported that Charlie Sheen will not be going to a rehab facility, he'll be rehabbing from home.  Charlie made the decision after consulting with a stripper dressed like a doctor.

Today on her show, Oprah Winfrey talked about her experience of going vegan for a week and not touching any meat.  She said it was easy—all she ate was Taco Bell.

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day.  In Los Angeles, that's the day when the groundhog emerges from his hole and tells us whether we'll have six more weeks of awards shows.

According to the latest research, sex during pregnancy is almost always safe. Unless your wife comes home and catches you.

7-Eleven is going to open 100 eco-friendly stores in Japan. Of course in Japan – "eco-friendly" means "now with 20% less dead whale."

Jonathan Knight, member of New Kids on the Block, recently admitted that he's gay.  So 1 down – 4 to go.

A new report suggests that only 15% of the articles on Wikipedia are written by women. This explains why the Wikipedia article on "The Vagina" is subtitled, "The Cave of Mystery."

Today is Groundhog Day—Today Punxutawney Phil poked his head out of his hole and predicted that winter was almost over.  Then he was hit by 15 feet of snow and froze to death.

While in Egypt, CNN's Anderson Cooper was attacked and punched in the head by protestors. Which brings up two questions: is it safe to send our media into such a hostile situation, and how do we get Glenn Beck over there?

In Italy, women are mad at Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi for his alleged affairs with prostitutes – so they've planned a protest rally outside his mansion where they're going to throw panties. That'll show that dirty old man – more panties!!!

Anthropologists have discovered a tribe in the Amazon that has never made contact with the outside world.  And guess what, even they are sick of all those Geico commercials.

Charlie Sheen is going to do 3 months of rehab, but he's going to be doing it in his own home. In a related story, Charlie Sheen has just changed his legal residency to the Bogota, Colombia Hooters.

It's being rumored that Charlie Sheen has asked for his rehab to go as quickly as possible so that all the people who depend on him financially can get back to work. His exact words were, "Please your Honor—these hookers have families to feed!"

If Costco is just a grocery store on steroids, then Wal-Mart is just a 7-Eleven with type 2 diabetes.

Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak said, "I'd resign, but Egypt would descend into chaos."  Then he said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go look out a window for the first time in two weeks."

According to Egyptian television, Hosni Mubarak's son Gamal does not want to be Egypt's next president. Experts say it's no big deal – because if you've seen one Mubarek – you've seen G'mall.

For the past week, every infant born at a hospital in Pittsburgh has been swaddled in a yellow and black towel and given a Steelers cap.  Not only that, they wash the baby by pouring Gatorade on its head.

Happy Chinese New Year everybody! The Chinese say the year is 4709 – we say the year is 2011.  You know what, I'm just going to guess they got the math right. 

Fast food chain White Castle announced they are taking reservations for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect place to bring that special lady you never want to hear from again.

On his Web site, Bill O'Reilly said ocean tides could only be explained by God, then when told they were caused by the moon, he asked, "Then how did the moon get there?" In a related story, Bill O'Reilly is a 5 year old boy.

After the big snow storm in Chicago, Mayoral Candidate Rahm Emanuel has been pitching in, digging cars out of the snow.  Of course Emanuel didn't help his campaign because he kept telling people, "Thank God I don't live here."

In New Zealand, a top government official was caught lying about his past—after he claimed that he once bobsledded against the team from "Cool Runnings."  Experts are already calling it "the saddest lie ever."

Tomorrow is Facebook's 7th birthday. Just think – 7 years ago – you were only in touch with people from high school you LIKED.

This Super Bowl could end in sudden death; especially for that fat guy in the Packers hat eating bratwurst.

During last night's Super Bowl, Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words during "The Star-Spangled Banner." Even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right.

At his White House Super Bowl Party, President Obama served a menu that featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. Which explains why this morning, President Obama tested positive for diabetes.

John Madden sat next to President Bush at the Super Bowl. There was an awkward moment when they were both caught on the kiss-cam.

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen, who's supposed to be in rehab, hosted a Super Bowl party in the room in his mansion that's called "The Porn Room."  In the 12 step program, this step is known as step negative 7.

People are outraged that last night during the Super Bowl, the company Groupon exploited Tibet's troubles to promote their website.   A spokesperson for Groupon said, "To see our apology, click on our website."

At an event over the weekend, former Vice President Dick Cheney proclaimed Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak "a good friend."  In response, Mubarak said, "That's not helping."

An Italian art historian is claiming that "The Mona Lisa" is actually a portrait of Leonardo DaVinci's male lover. Experts say this would explain the painting's original title "The Mona Larry."

James Franco is teaching a film class where students will study characters played by James Franco in movies starring James Franco. The class meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays, halfway up James Franco's ass.

Doctors say that according to the latest research, sex during pregnancy is almost always safe and enjoyable. Unless you're the baby – in which case it's TERRIFYING.

Got invited to the Playboy Mansion for Valentine’s Day. It’s the Cincinnati branch, but still, pretty cool.

This weekend, the Super Bowl was the most watched show in television history.  Until tonight! 

Yesterday President Obama called the coach of the Green Bay Packers to congratulate him on his team's Super Bowl victory.  Then he met with the victims of the Black Eyed Peas halftime show.

This week marks one year since First Lady Michelle Obama started her campaign to end obesity in America.  Meanwhile, at the exact same time everyone in Wisconsin is proudly wearing cheese on their heads.

An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to the Cairo protestors for creating a Facebook page that helped spark the protests.  And yet still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist.

The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It's also the first technology that raises the possibility of "accidentally butt-dialing God."

The U.S. Immigration Service is cracking down on the Mexican fast food chain Chipotle in an effort to find illegal immigrants.  The government is not investigating Taco Bell because no one from Mexico has ever set foot in that place.

The economics professor who helped craft President Obama's healthcare plan is now going to explain that plan in a comic book.  In a related story, President Bush has come out in favor of Obama's healthcare plan.

Today in Dallas a warehouse full of energy drinks caught fire. Firefighters said the fire raged for 5 hours, and then just totally crashed.

At a lunch for Oscar nominees, actor James Franco said that filming the movie "127 Hours" caused him "extreme physical pain."  Then the guy who the movie is based on raised his hook and said, "Really?"

The Cleveland Cavaliers set an NBA record with their 25th straight loss last night.  See that LeBron—you could be breaking records right now!

An animal rights group is trying to buy Michael Vick's former home to turn it into an animal rehab center. Because that's just what abused animals want to hear: "it's going to be okay— you're going to Michael Vick's house!"

Nearly 10,000 angry demonstrators gathered in downtown Cairo, demanding that President Mubarak step down. The Egyptian government tried to disperse the crowd with tear gas and when that didn't work, a Black Eyed Peas halftime show. 

Christina Aguilera is bouncing back from her Super Bowl appearance by singing this Sunday at the Grammys in a tribute to Aretha Franklin. Christina will be accompanied by a full orchestra – and 135 teleprompters.

It's been reported that Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez is dating a girl in high school. So this definitely not the guy you want to hear say, "I'm going to Disneyland!"

A California man is suing Disneyland after he was trapped in the "It's a Small World" ride for 40 minutes.  After hearing about it, the Chilean miners said, "Damn. We got off easy."

Early reviews for the Spiderman musical are out and the Los Angeles Times called it "an artistic form of megalomania."  And that's the last thing the critic wrote before he was killed by a falling Spiderman.

Last night was the premiere of the Justin Bieber film, "Never Say Never," in 3-D.  Audience members said the 3-D was so good, it was like his bangs were hanging over your face.

In Texas, officials want to take away a beauty queen's crown because she has put on too much weight.  They should have seen this coming because her talent in the pageant was "eating ham."

According to a new survey, 83% of prostitutes have Facebook pages.  You can tell which Facebook pages belong to prostitutes, because they list their Relationship Status as "It's Simple."

In England, a 90-year-old woman is teaching yoga.  Or we think she is—she's been in the downward dog position for about 2 days now.

Breast-feeding activists plan to descend on Washington this Saturday for a public breast-feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington this Saturday- thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby!"

A mother in Queens was shocked to find porn on a DVD of her kids' cartoons. The store says it's the woman's own fault for buying a DVD called "Dora Goes Exploring."

Hi I'm Conan O'Brien.  I don't care what the people of Egypt say, I am not stepping down.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak made a surprise announcement that he's going to stay in power for 6 more months.  Man, that guy really doesn't understand how Groundhog Day works.

This afternoon, an Egyptian general told thousands of Cairo protesters, "All your demands will be met today."  When the crowd shouted, "Democracy" the general responded, "Almost all your demands will be met today."

Representative Christopher Lee had to resign yesterday after he was caught sending a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met on Craigslist.  On the bright side, he did manage to surprise his wife for Valentine's Day.

Representative Christopher Lee declined to comment about the Craigslist scandal, stating only, "I have to work this out with my wife."  The he posted an ad on Craigslist under, "Man Seeking Really Great Excuse."

Some people are saying Lindsay Lohan dressed inappropriately for her court appearance yesterday by wearing a short, tight fitting dress.  Lohan apologized to the judge and said, "Tomorrow, I'll steal something more appropriate." 

According to a new report, the United Arab Emirates has surpassed the U.S. to become the world's fattest industrialized nation. All I have to say is United Arab Emirates—it is on!

The girlfriend of New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, who's only 17, said that when he texted her at 2 AM on a Tuesday, she replied, "I have school tomorrow."  Then he texted back, "What a coincidence, I have jail tomorrow."

The NFL and the players' union have cancelled their contract negotiations, which could mean no NFL football for next season. Both sides agree this is the only way to prevent another Black Eyed Peas Half Time show.

This weekend at the Grammys, Dr. Dre will perform for the first time in 10 years. Dr. Dre says he'd like to perform more often – but his medical practice keeps him really busy.

A South Carolina legislator wants to ban prison inmates from using Facebook.  A spokesperson for the inmates said, "They can take away our Facebook but they can't stop us from poking each other."

Man! Justin Bieber is really showing up everywhere to promote his concert film. This morning, he made an appearance in a rerun of CHiPs.

Valentine’s Day always makes me think of 3rd grade, and my first real crush. Here’s to you, Vice President Spiro Agnew.

Happy Valentine's Day—or as single people call it, "Drunk Dial Your Ex" Day.

Historians say that the first exchanges of Valentine's Day cards in America may have begun in the late 1600's. Of course, back then the most popular card said, "Be My Valentine…Or I'll Have You Tried for Witchcraft."

Khloe Kardashian and her husband, Los Angeles Laker Lamar Odom are coming out with a cologne for Valentine's Day. The cologne is called "One of Us Has a Skill."

This Valentine's Day, there's a new app called the "Love Calculator" that enables users to calculate their chances at love. Of course sometimes the app goes by its original name, a "breathalyzer."

Last night, Lady Gaga arrived at the Grammys in what some people are describing as a carriage shaped like a giant egg. Lady Gaga says she didn't want to take the egg carriage – but her bacon truck would not start.

Last night, Esperanza Spalding won the Grammy for Best New Artist, and afterwards the details on her Wikipedia page were altered by angry Justin Bieber fans.  Specifically, her page now lists a "time of death."

At a gathering of conservative politicians this past weekend, a Sarah Palin impersonator drew more of a crowd than the real Mitt Romney.  On the bright side, the fake Sarah Palin had some pretty good ideas.

It's being reported that this week Borders Books will declare bankruptcy. I don't know how this happened, but I learned about it while reading a magazine in Borders Books that I had no intention of buying.

Charlie Sheen visited with the UCLA baseball team on Friday and told them not to do crack.  Unfortunately, his exact quote was, "Hands off—it's mine."

At a press conference this morning, President Obama accidentally swore.  You can see the whole thing on the new sitcom, "Shit My President Says."

Yesterday in Iran, hundreds of thousands of people took to the streets in widespread protest. The protests were said to be inspired by the events in Egypt and Justin Bieber getting robbed at the Grammy's.

It's being reported that former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles.  Of course, before you get him as a roommate, just know he's really hard to evict.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is charged with having sex with an underage prostitute, will be tried by three judges—all of them female.  When Berlusconi heard the news, he high fived his lawyer and said, "I got this."

Thai Airlines announced that it will be hiring a team of transsexual flight attendants. That explains Thai Airlines' new motto, "When flying to Thailand isn't suspicious enough."

Last Friday, NPR's "This American Life" reported they may have stumbled upon the secret formula of Coca-Cola.  Even more surprising, the secret ingredient is Pepsi.

Today in Michigan, there was a summit for people who don't believe in global warming.  The summit was held about two Hummer lengths past the aerosol can factory.

Doctors are trying to figure out what gave a mysterious illness to 170 people who attended a party at the Playboy Mansion. So far – they're leaning towards "the hot-tub."

The world-famous Westminster Dog Show was this week – and for the first time ever one of finalists was a dog from China. The Chinese dog lists his proudest accomplishment as "not being eaten."

Today, Big Bird appeared on Capitol Hill to ask for more funding for PBS.  Apparently times are so tough for Big Bird he had to rent his egg to Lady Gaga.

Donald Trump has said he is considering buying the troubled New York Mets. Trump said the suggestion to buy the Mets came from the same adviser who told him, "Simple comb over, no one will notice."

Borders Books has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The protection means that creditors can no longer collect debts from Borders – but they can duck in anytime and use its bathroom.

In Toronto, a pizza parlor has been closed after police found 1 million dollars' worth of marijuana there.  Police were suspicious when they saw that the pizzeria promised delivery "In 30 Days or Less."

While the Chilean Miners were underground they looked at porn, smoked pot, and stayed up late at night debating the pros and cons of cannibalism. So basically – it was like college.

A veteran San Diego weatherman has pled guilty to charges of masturbating in public.  Or as the weatherman called it, "Precipitation caused by a high pressure build-up."

President Obama met with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg today. The good news is, Zuckerberg said he could create new jobs – the bad news is, they're all in Farmville.

Donald Trump is said to be considering a run for the presidency in 2012. Trump says he's got a plan for reducing our deficit: combing the rest of our money over to hide it.

It was reported today that last year, the Kardashian sisters made 65 million dollars.  But before you get too upset, remember 10% of that goes directly to Satan.

Tonight, Justin Bieber returns for his second appearance on CSI.  This time, the murder victim is the woman who beat him out for the Grammy.

In Ohio, a man is being called the Amish Bernie Madoff for running an investment scheme that swindled Amish families out of millions of dollars.  People became suspicious when they noticed his horse pulling a Lamborghini. 

Hawaii has legalized civil unions. Or, as it was announced in the Hawaiian state legislature: "One with 2 coconuts may now marry another with 2 coconuts."

Archaeologists have found signs that, 15,000 years ago, people in what is now England ate the flesh of other humans.  In other words, in 15,000 years British food hasn't gotten any better.

The best way to see if you have bad breath is to lick the back of your hand, let it dry, and then smell it.  Because why be known as "that guy with bad breath" when you could be known as "that hand licking weirdo."

Today is Paris Hilton's 30th birthday – but she said she still looks like she's 20. Then her gynecologist popped his head up and said, "Not down here you don't!"

Borders books filed for bankruptcy. How do you sleep at night, Angry Birds?

Happy President's Day. Or as it's being called in the Middle East, "Happy Overthrow Your President's Day."

Kanye West has been invited to the Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Apparently Kanye was invited to serve as the "royal pain in the ass."

Yemen's president Ali Abdullah Saleh says that, despite protests, he has no plans to resign.  His exact words were, "The Oscars are Sunday, I've got a widescreen at the palace—you do the math."

People across the Middle East have started referring to the wave of uprisings as the "Jasmine Revolution." Experts say this makes it the first revolution that could double as a new type of "Febreeze."

Yesterday, 20-year-old Trevor Bayne became the youngest person ever to win the Daytona 500.  Even more incredible – he was texting the whole time.

President Obama filled in as the coach this weekend for his daughter Sasha's basketball team.  Sasha clearly listened to her dad because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.

Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus.  So I guess next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A's.

In Havana, over 6 million people attended Cuba's annual International Book Fair. As usual, the most popular book sold was "How to Build a Raft Out of This Book."

Toyota has sponsored an online contest to determine what the plural of "Prius" is – and the winner is "Prii." And the loser, of course, is anyone who wasted time on this stupid contest.

A new online bakery is selling a cake that has another cake stuffed inside it. And stuffed inside THAT cake is a little piece of paper that says, "Well done, fatty!"

In Malaysia police arrested three men for stealing over 700,000 condoms. Police describe the thieves as "overly optimistic."

Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said the people protesting against him are under the influence of "hallucination pills."  In a related story, ten minutes ago, Charlie Sheen boarded a plane for Libya.

People from all 50 states and 14 countries have donated pizza to the protestors in Wisconsin.  Apparently, someone said, "How can we fix things in Wisconsin? I know, more cheese!"

Rahm Emanuel is expected to win today's mayoral election in Chicago.  Of course in keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago.

Justin Bieber has gotten a haircut and he's donated his famous bangs to charity. Upon receiving the bangs, the people of Darfur said, "Umm, thanks?"

Queen Elizabeth posted an ad online for an assistant in the Buckingham Palace washroom.  Which is apparently, where she started before she worked her way up. 

In an effort to include gay people, Facebook added two new relationship status options called "in a civil union" and "in a domestic partnership."  Then to make sure they didn't miss anyone they added another option called, "one time in college."

Last week, the producers of "Spiderman: The Musical" hired a second writer, and this week, they hired a second director. And if that doesn't work, next week, they'll hire their first arsonist.  

According to the Census Bureau, New York City's famed Little Italy is now home to zero Italians. So by law the neighborhood is now ready for an Olive Garden.

IBM is now saying that Watson, the computer that appeared on Jeopardy last week, may now be used for medical diagnoses.  I'm not sure I want to go to the doctor and hear, "What is…undescended testicle?"

Welcome to what critics are calling "a show on television" / "It's an hour long," raves USA Today

Today, the US Embassy began evacuating all remaining Americans out of Libya. The mission is being called Operation "What the Hell Are You Still Doing in Libya?"  

Apparently Moammar Gadhafi is a hypochondriac who is accompanied everywhere he goes by a sexy blonde Ukrainian nurse.  After hearing about it, Charlie Sheen boarded a plane to Libya.

A new poll shows that Donald Trump could beat President Obama in the 2012 presidential elections. The poll was taken by the world's top-of-the-line polling company, Trump Polls International!

In a recent interview, George Clooney said that he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office.  Right after saying this, Clooney was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.

A Japanese tech company is developing a special wristwatch-like device that the elderly wear to monitor their health. It's considered a vast improvement over the original device they developed for seniors: a countdown clock.

In Memphis, a Domino's Pizza delivery driver saved the life of a woman, who normally ordered pizza every night, after she failed to call for three days.  The woman is now fine and back to slowly killing herself with Domino's Pizza.

Larry King announced that this spring he will be going on a national stand-up comedy tour.  It's going to be called the "Almost Deaf Comedy Jam."

It's being reported today that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama an African of Arab and Muslim descent. Immediately after the speech, Gaddafi was given his own show on Fox News.

Muammar Gadaffi said "no sane person" would join the protests against him.  He then immediately joined the protests against him.

Gaddafi is now blaming the unrest in his country on Osama bin laden.  When reached for comment, bin laden said, "Sweet Jesus, don't lump me in with that nut job."

The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage.  Experts attribute the change to shifts in popular opinion, recent court cases, and President Obama accidentally catching this week's episode of "Glee."

A lot of people are mad at Kanye West, because yesterday he tweeted "Gold diggin' bitches be getting pregnant on purpose." Today, Kanye apologized and said I should have tweeted, "Gold diggin' bitches ARE getting pregnant on purpose."

A massive "World of Warcraft" themed amusement park is being built in China.  The Chinese say that for true thrill seekers – nothing beats the sheer terror of riding on a rollercoaster built by children.

Scientists have discovered that a bite from a Brazilian spider can cause an erection in men that lasts for hours. Then again, nothing kills the mood quicker than telling your lady, "Hang on, baby. Let Brazilian spider do its thing."

This week, ABC news did a big report on "ginger abuse," a form of bullying directed at people with red hair.  Unfortunately, I missed it because my cameramen were giving me a wedgie.

Last night was the Academy Awards and some critics are saying the show was too dull.  As a result, the Academy has already named its co-hosts for next year, Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi.

Several TV critics are claiming that James Franco was high while he was hosting the Oscars last night.  If that's true, it means at least SOMEBODY enjoyed the show.

Last night the Academy Awards tried appeal to a younger demographic with hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway, but ratings were still down.  So next year the first presenter will be Natalie Portman's baby.

One of the highlights of last night's Oscars was a presentation by 94-year-old Kirk Douglas.  Of course, when the telecast began when he was only 89.

Charlie Sheen said he made so much money for CBS that when he showed up for work, they should have given him "Sandwiches, massages, and hand jobs." Which, coincidentally, is the name of my new mall store.

Charlie Sheen's publicist resigned today. I don't know about you – but I'm really excited to see what Charlie's like now that he's allowed to say whatever he wants.

Kirstie Alley is rumored to be joining the next season of "Dancing with the Stars." She's also rumored to be joining the new History Channel show, "Ice Cream Truckers."

Due to a crackdown on Craigslist, prostitutes are now advertising on Facebook. You can tell if it's a prostitute's Facebook profile if she offers to "Friend you for 20 minutes."

The last US veteran of World War I has died at the age of 110.  His last words were, "James Franco's high."

Charlie Sheen opened a Twitter account today.  So get ready to finally hear what Charlie Sheen is thinking. 

In the past 48 hours, Charlie Sheen has given interviews to CNN's Piers Morgan, 20/20, The Today Show, TMZ, and Good Morning America.  Wow—it's almost like he's on something that makes you want to talk a lot.

State Department officials are calling Moammar Gaddafi "disconnected from reality." In fact, according to the State Department, Gaddafi thought this year's Oscars were fantastic.

The co-founder of AOL recently joined President Obama's council on economic competitiveness.  The AOL co-founder said, "Gentlemen, I've got 3 words that are going to change your life: Dial Up Internet."

New Hampshire is debating a bill that would classify some airport screenings as sexual assault. Meanwhile, California is debating a bill that would classify those screenings as "doing what you need to do to get the part."

It's being reported that Taco Bell is spending $3 million in a new advertising campaign to battle public perception about their beef. That explains why they've changed their slogan from "Think Outside the Bun" to "Hey, It's Food For 89 Cents!"

Early this morning in Hollywood, Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication. Police knew she was drunk, because she got all the lyrics to the National Anthem right.

Kirstie Alley is joining the cast of "Dancing With the Stars." Protesting that decision is the floor from "Dancing With the Stars."

The company that makes Ferraris is introducing a brand new Ferrari that can seat four people.  Finally – a way for the whole family to benefit from dad's small penis!

Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech today that lasted nearly three hours.  So at least now we know where all of Charlie Sheen's coke went.

Charlie Sheen is on Twitter now. That's right, her name is Twitter and he met her on Sunset Boulevard.

Oprah Winfrey has been invited by the new government in Egypt to do a show from Cairo.  Great, so they've replace one power mad tyrant who's been in power for 30 years with another one.

In a new book, Pope Benedict XVI officially finds the Jewish people innocent of having killed Jesus. The Pope said the exoneration came because of new historical information, and because "those people have some damn good lawyers."

The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government just enough of a budget to keep going for two more weeks.  In other words, our government has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.

Kim Kardashian released her first pop single on the radio today. The song's being put out on the new record label "Why God Why?"

People are upset with a new Kraft foods ad because it features a grandmother telling her granddaughter that she dresses like a prostitute.  The ad only has 2 lines: "Grandma, can I have some mac & cheese?" and "Nice boots, whore."

In California, a new hydroponic marijuana store has opened that is being called "the Wal-Mart of Weed." It's just like a regular Wal-Mart – except instead of saying "Welcome to Wal-Mart" the greeter says, "Dude, have you seen Greg?"

In New York City, Keith Richards' daughter was arrested for writing graffiti on a wall.  You would think Keith Richards' daughter would know better, given the fact she's 78 years old. 

A lock of Justin Bieber's hair sold on eBay today for over $40,000. Now here's my question—do you think I should frame it or make it into a bracelet?

Charlie Sheen joined Twitter 2 days ago – and he already has 1.4 Million people following him. Though to be fair – most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control.

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen set a new world record for fastest Twitter account with a million followers beating out Oprah Winfrey.  You know Charlie, drugs and alcohol are one thing but now you're playing with fire.

It's been reported that many of the protests in Libya are being organized over a dating website. Which explains why half the protest signs say, "No Gaddafi!" and the other half say, "No Fatties!"

The Wisconsin Legislature has introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senators Dick Hertz and I.P. Freely.

Brigham Young University has kicked one of its star basketball players off the team for violating a school rule that prohibits sex outside of marriage. On the bright-side – something tells me he's going to do just fine in the NBA.

Bill Clinton has turned down an invitation to appear on "30 Rock." Apparently, he's still mulling over an offer to replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men."

In an interview with "Rolling Stone" magazine, Jersey Shore star Snooki says she thinks the show makes her look bad.  Snooki blames it on the fact the show has a camera and microphones.

This week in New Orleans, a pastor was caught masturbating in public. Police are describing the incident as “Mardi Gras.”

While in space, the crew onboard Discovery received a call from President Obama. The President told them, "You are not going to believe what's happening with Charlie Sheen down here."

Today, Charlie Sheen found out that he has been officially fired from "Two and a Half Men."  From now on the show will be known as, "The Other Guy and The Kid."

Charlie Sheen announced as part of a humanitarian effort he's taking a trip to Haiti.  Sheen's exact quote was, "I want to show them what a real disaster looks like."

This morning, President Obama attended a parent-teacher conference for his daughter Sasha.  The teacher said there's room for improvement, she'd like to see a little more cooperation and then they talked about Sasha.

Earlier today, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi underwent 4 hours of dental surgery.  It was Berlusconi's second longest oral procedure of the day. 

China's biggest Barbie store is going out of business. It's so sad to think about all those poor little girls in China who are now out of a job.

A Northwestern University professor apologized Saturday for letting a couple demonstrate the use of a sex toy after one of his classes. In particular because the class he teaches is "Introduction to Medieval German Literature."

A flight attendant was fired from Virgin airlines for placing a baby in the plane's overhead compartment. In the flight attendant's defense, that baby did not fit under the seat.

Next week on WWE's "Monday Night Raw" Snooki will step into the wrestling ring. It will be the first time Snooki has rolled around with a guy on steroids since…yesterday.

Members of an internet group called "Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber," are upset that Justin Bieber cut his hair. I'd just like to take a moment to assure all the members of "Lesbians Who Look Like Conan O'Brien" that my hair isn't going anywhere.

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen was spotted on a rooftop shouting, drinking a bottle of red liquid labeled "tiger's blood," and wielding a machete.  I don't know about you, but I'd love to see this guy's "To Do" List.

Charlie Sheen is angry that Warner Brothers fired him from "Two and a Half Men" via text message.  He said they could've had the common decency to do it via insane, rambling webcast.

Charlie Sheen posted online that he's looking for an intern. It's the first-ever internship where, if you do it correctly, you actually lose college credits.

Now that he's out of office, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to "The Terminator." In this one, Schwarzenegger travels back in time to kill the person who suggested he run for Governor.

Today, residents of Los Angeles are voting on a measure that would allow the city to tax any product sold at a medical marijuana dispensary.  If the measure passes, Los Angeles could be financially solvent in forty five minutes.

According to a new poll that ranks politicians on their attractiveness, 300 pound New Jersey governor Chris Christie was deemed hotter than President Obama. The poll was taken in the candy aisle of a Wal-Mart.

In a new interview, Matthew McConaughey said he once thought about becoming a defense attorney.  McConaughey decided against it when he learned that they have to wear shirts.

In Florida, a man was arrested Tuesday for allegedly trapping a girlfriend's mother inside a fold-out couch.  The man could face a year in prison, and a lifetime of high-fives.

Kim Kardashian recently admitted that she stormed out of a recording session for her new single "Jam." Unfortunately, then she went back in.

A new study shows that 72% of shopping carts contain traces of fecal matter. Oh my God, they’re on to me.

According to a new report, Charlie Sheen is planning a road show, and he wants it to be "pro-women."  Of course, any woman performing with Charlie Sheen is likely to be a "pro."

In one of his latest rants, Charlie Sheen calls his former co-star Jon Cryer, "a turncoat, a traitor, a troll." Charlie then flipped to a different page in his dictionary and called him "a ukulele, an umbrella, a unicorn…"

Donald Trump denies he is just pretending to talk about running for president in order to generate publicity for his TV show. Trump says, "Anyone who makes that accusation is clearly an ‘Apprentice,' and deserves to be ‘fired' on a Thursday at 9."

Potential Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, who famously cheated on wife number 2 with wife number 3, says that he now prays for "God's forgiveness." He said he also prays that wife number 3 never finds out about Vanessa.

In China, an annual St. Patrick's Day parade has been canceled.  Now the only question is: who's going to break the news to Ming O'Sullivan.

A high school teacher was recently forced to quit her teaching job when students found out she used to be a porn star.  Students said they were suspicious when the only comments she wrote on their papers were, "Harder" and "Faster."

Wal-Mart has announced that it will begin selling the iPad 2 this spring.  Though at Wal-Mart – the iPad2 will be sold as "one of them real fancy cookie sheets."

In a new interview in the New York Times, Hugh Hefner reveals the age when he lost his virginity. It was the Bronze Age.

In Washington, a man tried to resuscitate a dog by using CPR.  At least, that's what he told his wife he was doing.

After 60 years of service, the Dalai Lama is stepping down as the political leader of Tibet. Apparently, he heard there was an opening at "Two and a Half Men." 

Today, the Dalai Lama announced that he is stepping down as the leader of Tibet.  The Dalai Lama's exact quote was, "I've had enough of this shit."

St. Patrick's Day is coming up.  I've never celebrated here in Los Angeles.  The St. Patrick's Day Parade here in Los Angeles starts in Koreatown and ends up at the Olive Garden in Little Armenia. 

In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country.  Apparently, he misunderstood the phrase, "Please rise for the pledge of Allegiance."

According to Forbes Magazine, the richest man in the world is a man from Mexico.  He's Oprah Winfrey's gardener. 

The president of the Ivory Coast has dealt a blow to his chief political rival by seizing the nation's coffee supply.  However, experts predict the real winner will be whoever gains control of the doughnuts.

In a recent interview, Lady Gaga said she used to live in an apartment that was infested with cockroaches.  Guess what—that's what happens when you have a closet full of meat dresses.

Today, Lindsay Lohan wore a minidress to court where she appeared to face charges of shoplifting.  Apparently the dress was so short, you could still see part of the security tag.

In Britain, a blind man has kept his seeing-eye dog even though the dog has also gone blind.  The two have been missing for 3 weeks.

Wal-Mart has announced that it will begin selling the iPad 2 this spring. In packs of 1200.

Subway has surpassed McDonald's to become the world’s largest restaurant chain. If you thought Jared was an unbearable prick before...

Already filled out my March Madness brackets. I picked “The King’s Speech” over UConn.

Happy birthday to LA Clippers’ Blake Griffin. And of course, to Thomas de Beauchamp, the 12th Earl of Warwick!

Saint Patrick’s Day is named for Saint Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake.

The "Spider-Man" musical is ineligible for next year’s Tonys, which is a shame – it was a shoo-in for “Best Shrieking Plummet From A Ceiling.”

According to a new study, drinking too much soda can reduce a man’s fertility. Guess I’d better stop drinking “Doc Brown’s Vasectomy Pop.”

The FOX network is reportedly considering giving Charlie Sheen his own talk show.  Charlie's talk show would be the only one with a 30-hour monologue.

Sarah Palin is in Israel and she visited the Wailing Wall. There was an awkward moment when she looked at the wall and asked, "So, this is what keeps the Mexicans out."

The first day of air strikes against Libya cost more than 100 million dollars. Or to put it in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five private Beyonce concerts.

Silvio Berlusconi missed the first day of his corruption trial because he was meeting with his cabinet about Libya.  Of course he cancelled the meeting after he realized Libya is a country and not part of the female anatomy.

According to a new poll, 29% of Americans do not know who our Vice President is.  Even worse, 59% of Americans think our Surgeon General is Dr. Dre.

This weekend, there was a "supermoon."  This happens only once every 18 years or whenever Kim Kardashian makes a sex tape.

There was an essay question on this year's SATs that asked students to write about reality television.  In a related story, China has won.

It's being reported that one of the co-founders of Microsoft has purchased a Russian fighter jet. He said, "If this doesn't get me laid, I give up."

Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend and she's 22 years old.  Friends describe her as "outgoing" and "not someone who follows the news."  

A man freed after being wrongfully imprisoned for twenty years said, "I'm, personally, not angry."  Then he went on to say, "However, my ass is furious."

After an interview on "Good Morning America," singer Chris Brown reportedly threw a chair and stormed out of the building.  So I guess the big news here is, Chris Brown has been dating a chair.

One problem our military is encountering in Libya is that they can't tell pro- and anti-Gaddafi forces apart.  So the UN has just passed a resolution that the war be conducted as "Shirts vs. Skins."

They announced the official name of the US military action in Libya and it's called "Operation Odyssey Dawn."  The original title was the much more vague "Operation-Stripper's-Name-Followed-Immediately-By-Different-Stripper's-Name."

Donald Trump bragged that he once screwed Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi on a real estate deal. Then he said, "And you wouldn't BELIEVE the piece of crap Datsun I unloaded on Bin Laden!"

The President of Guatemala says after he leaves office he will divorce his wife so he can help her run for president. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, "Damn that is genius!"

Last night, Lindsay Lohan's father was arrested in West Hollywood. After being arrested, he was immediately placed in the county jail's "Lohan wing."

In Boston, a group of nuns is suing the Catholic Archdiocese to get access to their pension funds.  I just want to say, as someone who was once taught by Boston nuns – GIVE THEM WHATEVER THEY WANT!

Toy-maker Mattel announced that they are updating the Ken doll to be based on a real-life football player. Which explains why the new Ken doll has already fathered ten Skippers by eight Barbies.

Actor Bradley Cooper has reportedly left his girlfriend, Renée Zellweger.  On the bright side—it will be days before Zellweger opens her eyes wide enough to notice.

Here in California marijuana farmers are extremely worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or for some reason maybe those marijuana farmers are just being paranoid.

This past weekend, a 400-pound former sumo wrestler ran the LA Marathon.  He should be done jiggling by June. 

A day after he got angry and trashed their backstage area, "Good Morning America" has invited Chris Brown to come back. This despite all of Good Morning America's best friends, saying, "Don't do it, girl!"

It's being reported that Moammar Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite corps of 40 female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.

They announced the official name of the US military action in Libya and it's called "Odyssey Dawn."  This is the first U.S. military action ever to be named by Crabtree and Evelyn.

While touring Israel this week, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis, "Why are you apologizing all the time?"  Israelis responded, "Because we told people Tina Fey was coming."

During a recent press conference with President Obama, the president of Chile said, "I think the first lady of the U.S. is very good looking."  So now, we're also at war with Chile.

It's been reported that the NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community.  Which explains why they've renamed themselves "The National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People."

An actress who replaced the injured lead actress in the "Spiderman" musical has now herself been injured.  Then today she admitted she was just trying to "fit in." 

Internet officials have approved a special domain name ".xxx" for pornographic Web sites. So finally – a home for porn on the Internet!

Yesterday, Barry Bonds' lawyer told a jury that Bonds never knew he was using steroids. Bonds' lawyer said his client thought it was natural for testicles to be reabsorbed by the body.

Charlie Sheen is doing a 21-city comedy tour. Being a mentally unstable out of work TV star on tour was my idea.

Worst pick up line for this time of year: "Want to see my final four?"

I am really experiencing “pain at the pump.” I am also really hurting from the price of gas.

Earlier tonight, President Obama gave a nationally televised speech about Libya.  The speech was entitled, "No, I wasn't born there." 

It's been revealed that a doctor once removed fat from Moammar Gadhafi's belly and injected it into his face. The doctor called the procedure, "Operation: Not Helping."

In an interview today, Donald Trump called President George W. Bush "the worst president in the history of the United States." Then he added, "Until, of course, I'm elected."

The New York Times reports that General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last year. Of course that's because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as "a charitable donation."

LOL and OMG have officially been added to the Oxford English Dictionary.  Hey Oxford English Dictionary – WTF???

According to a new poll, most Americans say they have at least one romantic regret.  For men, the number one romantic regret is forgetting to close the browser window.

A new study shows that women start to feel old at 29, but men don't feel old until they're 58.  This explains at least two of Larry King's marriages.

According to a new report, medical marijuana sales are beginning to rival sales for Viagra.  Coincidentally users of both are often asked, "How high are you?"

Last night, President Obama's speech was watched by 25 million people.  The sad thing is, it would have been watched by 50 million people if he had sung that "Friday" song.

President Obama reportedly scheduled his speech on Libya so it would not interfere with "Dancing With the Stars."  So as of now the Obama policy is: "He's willing to embroil us in a 3rd war, but not willing to interrupt the Karate Kid's Macarena."

Britain will unveil a set of stamps commemorating the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. They're an exact replica of the Royal Couple in every way, except the stamps serve a useful function.

Today, possible Presidential Candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate.  Trump's birth certificate lists his eyes as "blue" and his hair as "ridiculous."

Yesterday, the man known as the French Spiderman successfully climbed the world's tallest building.  When asked if he would consider performing in the Spiderman musical, he said, "Too dangerous."

A new company promises to give customers a pretend Facebook girlfriend for others to see.  It's yet another engineering triumph from the folks at "Sadtronics."

At a Florida Wal-Mart, one woman accused another of sleeping with her husband, and then bit her finger off.  It's being called "the healthiest thing anyone's ever eaten at a Wal-Mart."

Over the past 50 years, a man in Florida has donated 100 gallons of blood.  He's a guy known as "Light-headed Joe." 

At a Boston airport, a woman was arrested after trying to get past security wearing a diaper stuffed with 1,000 grams of cocaine.  Police say the giveaway was that her vagina kept yelling, "Winning!"

Yesterday, President Obama admitted that he owns an iPad. Obama says he uses it to play his favorite game, “Angry Birthers.”

In a new interview, President Obama said he prays every night before bed.  Or as FOX News reported it, "Obama in daily talks with Allah."

Earlier today, President Obama gave a speech about finding alternatives to foreign oil and suggested one solution could be more nuclear power.  Then Obama admitted he doesn't really follow the news.

NASA is planning to shut down its Mars Rover after an entire year of the probe not responding to calls from Earth.  In the Rover's defense, the majority of those were booty calls.

Today, a meeting was held to discuss whether building a 100,000 seat NFL stadium in the middle of downtown Los Angeles would make traffic worse. The meeting lasted 9 seconds.

There's a new Website that helps college students arrange hookups for casual sex. It's called "Facebook."

A man in Washington State is suing Monster Energy Drinks after he found a dead mouse at the bottom of his can. In their defense, Monster Energy claims the can did say, "Now with a crunchy protein boost!"

A new study indicates 93% of women feel their armpits are unattractive. The study was conducted by the Association of Researchers Who Have Run Out of Questions to Ask Women.

In England, farmers have begun feeding their cattle healthier food – because they need to reduce the amount of gas the cows are producing.  Farmers also say they're going to stop falling for the old "pull my hoof" trick.

During an appearance on Fox News, Sarah Palin stated that we were in a "squirmish" with Libya.  After she was corrected, Palin said, "Listen – I shouldn't be expected to get everything 100% Acura."

While appearing on Fox News, Donald Trump said that President Obama's birth certificate could indicate that "he's a Muslim."  Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign sounding name and neither does his daughter Ivanka. 

In Maine, Republicans are trying to loosen child labor laws in order to allow younger children to work more hours.  Which explains why Maine's license plates have replaced their motto, "Vacationland" with "Back to work, Timmy." 

Al Qaeda has a magazine and the spring issue features a profile of Moammar Gadhafi.  It also features a section on women's fitness called, "Death to Cottage-Cheese Thighs!"

An ancestry society announced that Prince William's fiancée Kate Middleton is a distant cousin to Ellen DeGeneres.  This explains why, on her wedding day, Kate plans to put on a pair of cargo pants and dance up the aisle.

Boy bands New Kids on the Block and The Backstreet Boys have merged. Not to make a supergroup—they're all going to share one studio apartment.

Denny's is launching a new "Baconalia" menu where all menu items feature bacon.  Not only that, many hospitals are now featuring Denny's customers. 

In a recent study, 10% of women say they frequently feel sad after sex. I hate to brag, but it takes a real man to make a woman sad during sex.

I like to teach my kids that they can do anything. For example this year, our taxes.

The other day, California high school students sang for the Pope, or as they referred to him, “The Dude in the Hat.”

Charlie Sheen applied to trademark 22 of his new catchphrases, including "Duh, Winning," "Tiger Blood," and "Adonis DNA."  Unfortunately for Charlie, "Adonis DNA" was already trademarked…by my mother on the day I was born.

Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms.  This is perfect, because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.

Yesterday, the CEO of Starbucks announced his intention to expand the coffee shop into a grocery business. I don't know about you, but I cannot wait to buy a four dollar tomato.

In Italy, a women's group is demanding money from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi because his scandals have reduced women to sex objects. The group is called the "Association of Women Who Have Forgotten They Live in Italy."

In NH, a man was found not guilty for driving 100 mph – because he claimed he was rushing his pregnant wife to the hospital. After the verdict, the man admitted that by "pregnant" he meant "fat" and by "hospital" he meant "dog track."

Sources say the stars of "Jersey Shore" are demanding more money from MTV before they do a fourth season of the show. The cast says that MTV had better come up with the money – or else they'll take their lack-of-talent somewhere else.

A receiver for the Oakland Raiders was arrested for possessing illegal amounts of Viagra. When asked why he needed Viagra so much, the man said he was tired of "always being the receiver."

The federal government might shut down on Friday, which means on Saturday morning, this bad boy is gonna park his car in a loading zone.

Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down by the end of the week. That's right, there'll be another season of Jersey Shore, but the US government—still up in the air.

If the government does shut down it means that national parks will be closed.  On the bright side, that means no sequel to that Yogi Bear movie. 

After his show last night, Charlie Sheen rented out a movie theater and invited his crew to a screening of "Apocalypse Now."  They watched the hero descend into madness and then the movie started.

Glenn Beck has announced he's leaving his Fox News channel show this year. Even more surprising, Beck said he's leaving so he can marry his life-partner, "Abdul Gonzalez."

After her fall on "Dancing with the Stars," Kirstie Alley reportedly got a tattoo that says "Unbroken." Kirstie's partner also got a tattoo – but his says "Compound Fracture."

This week, Disney is set to begin construction on a Disneyland in China.  China says their Disneyland is being built "for children, BY children."

In Virginia, parents at an elementary school are angry that a plastic surgeon brought breast implants to "Career Day."  They're even more upset that their children now think getting a "D" is a good thing.

Keanu Reeves has confirmed that there will be a third "Bill & Ted" movie. In it, Keanu travels through time and space to find out what happened to the other guy from the "Bill & Ted" movies.

Elton John revealed that the godmother to his son is Lady Gaga. Which explains why Elton's son's first words were, "I get it, you're gay." 

If there's a government shutdown, 800,000 Federal workers could get a phone call tomorrow telling them they're "non-essential."  Isn't that amazing – 800,000 people getting the exact same call I get from my Dad every morning?

If the government shuts down, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected.

The White House has confirmed that President Obama received a letter from Moammar Gadhafi.  Officials won't reveal the content of the letter—except that it ends with the question, "Do you like me? Check ‘yes', ‘no', or ‘maybe.'"

A close friend of President Obama's has been arrested for soliciting a prostitute, a high school friend named Bobby Titcomb.  Apparently, he was caught asking a woman for "The Old Titcomb." 

Toyota has announced they will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes.

During Charlie Sheen's show in Columbus last night, several women flashed their breasts at him. In response, Sheen said, "Oh…those again."

It's been announced that "Glee" will have a special 90-minute episode devoted to Lady Gaga.  Scientists warn that this could rip a hole in the time-space-gay continuum.

If the government shuts down, the IRS will be closed, according to my accountant, Wesley Snipes.

If Trump runs for the White House, how will he decide between Gary Busey and Meatloaf for Vice President?

To avoid a shutdown, the government cut 39 billion dollars from the federal budget.  The good news, the first thing to go…"The Real Housewives of D.C."

In a recent interview, President Obama said "I miss being anonymous."  He says, "In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas."

At a news conference today, Hillary Clinton said that the ousting of Ivory Coast president Laurent Gbagbo sends a message to other dictators. And the message is, "If we can't pronounce your name, you're toast."

Four of Prince William's ex-girlfriends have been invited to the royal wedding.  Kate Middleton is having them seated in the front row of the "In Your Face" section.

The Pentagon announced that openly gay soldiers will begin serving this summer.  When people asked, "Why this summer?" the Army said, "Because ‘Glee' will be in reruns."

Denny's announced they will be opening as many as 50 restaurants in India. When they heard this, the people of India said, "Hey—we're hungry but we're not that hungry!"

The Winklevoss twins have lost an appeal to sue Mark Zuckerberg for more money.  So now they're suing Jesse Eisenberg.

Over the weekend Hugh Hefner celebrated his 85th birthday. He can finally legitimately say that he doesn't date women his own age because there are no women his own age.

It's being reported that the stars of Jersey Shore have a new contract which will pay them $100,000 each per episode.  That is a lot of zeros and also, a big salary.

The North Iceland Penis Museum is putting its first human specimen on display this week. I just want to say gentlemen, I'm honored.

According to a new CNN poll, potential presidential candidate Donald Trump has nearly doubled his support since March. Although technically, all he did was comb his March numbers over his current ones.

An Applebee's restaurant has apologized for accidentally serving a toddler a cup full of tequila. They then apologized for knowingly serving the rest of his family food made by Applebee's.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said he gave an underage prostitute $60,000, not for sex, but so she could open a spa. Then he added, "A spa where I could have sex with her."

Potential Republican Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the "Lenscrafters of Abortion." Then it got even weirder when she referred to Massachusetts as the "Sunglass Hut of Gay Marriage."

It was reported today that Moammar Gadhafi once wrote a children's book. It's called, "Horton Hears Voices in His Head."

A man has started a college dedicated to teaching students how to grow pot. It's called "UC Santa Cruz."

It's being reported that Ivory Coast dictator Laurent Gbagbo was driven from power due to concerted military action by the French. No one was more surprised to hear this than the French.

Burger King has started selling a burger made with 2 beef patties, 2 slices of cheese, 3 strips of bacon, and a chicken breast. Burger King says they tried selling it in the US, but Americans kept saying, "Get that health food out of my face!"

In Georgia robbers took $150 from a little girl who was running a lemonade stand. Which begs the question: how much was this little girl charging for lemonade?

She's fine now but during a recent concert Lady Gaga fell off her piano and landed on her head.  You can tell Lady Gaga was a little dazed afterwards because she said, "Why the hell am I wearing meat?"

Last night on "Dancing with the Stars", Kirstie Alley lost her shoe.  When asked for comment, the shoe said it was just trying to escape.

Yesterday in an interview, Donald Trump said that the Koran teaches a "very negative vibe."  Then he accused the Torah of "totally harshing his buzz."

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says he probably won't run for office after his current term ends in 2013.  Berlusconi said, "13 is my lucky number and the age of my current girlfriend."

Hustler founder Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of U.S. Presidents. Critics say the highlights are the chapter on Jefferson, the chapter on Garfield, and the first 125 chapters on Clinton.

In Israel, a meeting between Justin Bieber and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been called off. Still no word on how this will effect next month's summit between Selena Gomez and Hezbollah.

In light of the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, a poll found that 23% of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy.  These people are being described as "not African-American."

Jennifer Lopez has been named as People magazine's most beautiful person. As expected, People's Most Beautiful woman award went to Steven Tyler.

A 30-second ad for the final episode of Oprah Winfrey's talk show will cost 1 million dollars.  So the only person who can afford to take out an ad on Oprah Winfrey's last show is Oprah Winfrey.

As part of a current trend, in Florida, a two year old accidentally got served alcohol at an Olive Garden.  Even more surprising, his parents accidentally got served Italian food at an Olive Garden.

Mitt Romney busted me for having hair envy. Imagine how jealous I'll be if Trump runs.

Great, Applebee’s starts serving toddlers alcohol and my kids gave up booze for Lent.

They're saying Donald Trump will make an announcement about his intentions on running for President on the season finale of "Celebrity Apprentice."  Not to be out done, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan to overhaul Medicare.

Critics are saying it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for President while hosting his own TV show. They also say it's illegal to run for President if your hair wasn't born in this country.

Earlier today, Libyan television caught Moammar Gadhafi driving through Tripoli, pumping his fists in a convertible.  Say what you want about Moammar Gadhafi, but nothing gets in the way of his Spring Break.

President Obama is set to appear on one of Oprah Winfrey's last shows.  Obama says he's really hoping it's the one where she gives away $14 trillion.

Yesterday in New York City, Bill Clinton held a press conference about urban renewal – and he discussed how Times Square is no longer full of hookers. Then Clinton lowered his head and called for a moment of silence.

Earlier this week, Michele Bachmann called Planned Parenthood the "Lenscrafters of Abortion."  Yesterday, Lenscrafters released a statement calling Michelle Bachmann the "Costco of Crazy."

An ex-Olive Garden employee has come forward to expose the truth behind the restaurant chain's Tuscany Italy Cooking School. For starters: it's in Omaha.

MSNBC reports there's been a nationwide shortage of drugs for ADD.  I think there was more to the story but I lost interest.

In Hong Kong the world's first 3D porn film opened. The film is so realistic, three people walked out of the theater with Chlamydia.

Dennis Quaid said his biggest mistake was cocaine. Or, as Randy Quaid calls it, "mistake #479."

Tom Waits is going to be the voice of an animated character in an upcoming film. The film is called “The Bunny Who Only Ate Fiberglass.”

Eight more days of Lent, then it’s back to chocolate, bourbon, and Lady Boxing on Pay-Per-View.

In an interview for the Today Show, Gary Busey said that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good president." Busey said, "Trump knows how to stand up to our enemies, Iran, North Korea and Meatloaf."

NBC executives say if Donald Trump does decide to run for president, they will not renew "The Apprentice" So, some good may come of this.

Tonight, President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder.  After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, "Ah ha, he is a Muslim." 

This week President Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted by Facebook. In other words, just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.

To celebrate the birthday of Kim Jong-il, North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's popularity has hit an all-time low at 31%. Berlusconi isn't aware of this, because he ignores anything that's over 18.

Over the weekend in New Orleans, Nicolas Cage was arrested for being drunk and arguing loudly with his wife over whether a house they were in front of was theirs or not. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, "It wasn't."

The online dating site Match.com says it will begin screening its members against a sex offender registry.  The site expects to be pervert-free by July and out of business by August.

Los Angeles County health officials say a bacteria that caused hundreds of illnesses at the Playboy mansion was found in a hot tub.  Officials said, "It's always the first place you look."

In Portland, a mailman has been suspended for going "number 2" behind someone's trash cans.  Even worse – he referred to it as "drop shipment of a ground delivery."

GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has discarded his campaign slogan after he learned it was similar to one coined by a gay man.  No word on why he had chosen the slogan "Rick Santorum for President: I Love Penises."

It’s tough sharing a birthday with Kourtney Kardashian. Our friends never know which party to go to.

Earlier this week, President Obama released his 2010 tax return.  Turns out, last year, Obama made 1.7 million dollars and spent 14 trillion.

Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, he will release his tax returns. In response, the President said, "Oh yeah, well I promise not to run for a 2nd term if you release that thing on your head."

Yesterday on "The Today Show," Gary Busey said that Donald Trump would make a great president. Experts say now Trump just needs to focus on getting the endorsements of Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.

The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. When asked why he was watching a movie, the air traffic controller said, "I just couldn't sleep."

It's been announced that the entire British Royal Wedding will be streamed live on YouTube. Even more surprising—the service will be officiated by the Double Rainbow guy.

Over the weekend, Nicholas Cage was arrested for public drunkenness.  To make sure he wasn't a danger to himself or others, police took away his belt, shoelaces and the script for Ghost Rider II.

The Broadway musical "Spiderman" has temporarily closed down but will re-open in May.  Reportedly some of the producers opposed the delay, saying it will give the actors a chance to escape.

There's a new porn film coming out that is targeted at fans of "Star Trek: The Next Generation."  It's called, "Hey Nerds – This is What Sex Looks Like."

Taco Bell is introducing several new items they're calling their "Volcano Menu." Experts say it's perfect for people who are tired of having diarrhea – and ready to have VOLCANIC diarrhea.

“Glee” is making a special episode dedicated entirely to Lady Gaga. But in a way, isn’t every episode of “Glee” dedicated to Lady Gaga?

As some of my younger fans know, today is 4/20 and it just happens to coincide with Passover.  So I'm finally starting to understand why the Jews wandered around in the desert for 40 years.

It's coming out now that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan "a con man who couldn't deliver the goods." Trump also called Abraham Lincoln, "A bearded moron who couldn't even sit through an hour of theater."

The governor of Hawaii said he first met President Obama just days after he was born.  He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for "change." 

Sarah Palin has a 61% unfavorable rating in Alaska. That number jumps to 100% if you just ask the animals.

The Obama administration plans to give the Libyan rebels $25 million in non-lethal aid. The rebels said they can't wait to begin a new offensive armed with SuperSoakers and T-shirt cannons.

According to a new poll, almost 90% of women claim they wouldn't want to be Kate Middleton. Because if there are 3 things women hate it's weddings, being the center of attention, and financial security.

In Pennsylvania, a 13-year old boy was forced to help his mother give birth to his sister.  When asked to comment, the boy said, "Well – I'm gay now."

A former Olive Garden employee has stepped forward claiming their Tuscany culinary institute is a sham. Experts are calling him "the least courageous whistle-blower of all time."

According to new research, a man can increase the length of his penis by placing it in a special penis-stretcher for 700 hours. In a related story, I'm taking a month off.

Today, President Obama is in town for a fundraiser – and huge traffic delays are expected all over Los Angeles. Tomorrow, President Obama is back on the East Coast, and huge traffic delays are expected all over Los Angeles.

In an interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said the most popular Obama is the family's Portuguese water dog, Bo. When Donald Trump heard this, he said, "I want to see that Portuguese bitch's papers."

A new Catholic translation of the Bible gets rid of the word "booty," because of its current connotations. What's strange is that it replaces it with the word "bedonkadonk."

Today, Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination.  Because when the other candidates aren't generating enough excitement, it's time to bring in Gary Johnson.

A new report shows more U.S. schools are teaching children to speak Chinese. Officials say the first thing they're teaching U.S students to say in Chinese is, "Is it cool if I cheat off of you?"

Yesterday, a robot threw out the first pitch at the Philadelphia Phillies game – and it was booed. Afterwards, Phillies fans apologized and said, "Sorry – we thought it was a small child."

According to pictures on Twitter, Snooki is getting ready for bikini season. So if you're at the beach, that's not an orange buoy. 

On this day, Jesus broke free from the giant chocolate egg and led his bunny army to victory against the Nazis!

Lady Gaga’s song “Judas” has sparked outrage from Catholics. Also not helping: she still wears meat on Fridays.

Gary Johnson has entered the Republican presidential race. Yes - THAT Gary Johnson!

Terrific news—the world's most wanted man, Osama bin Laden, is dead. Which means now the official #1 threat to America is the KFC Double Down.

President Obama gave the order for Osama bin Laden to be killed by Navy Seals. When he heard about it, former President Bush was furious and said, "Wait a minute – I could have used seals???"

At the time of his death, Osama bin Laden was living in a million-dollar home with his youngest wife.  In other words, if we hadn't killed him, his oldest wife would have.

According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden was living in a house that had no internet access. Which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's.

Bin Laden was hiding in a compound with several people, including his personal assistant.  Apparently, bin Laden's last words were, "Cancel my 2:00."

President Bill Clinton called the decision to kill bin Laden a "profoundly important moment," while Sarah Palin called it, "another example of Muslim on Muslim crime."

Today, President Obama appeared on "Oprah Winfrey" but the show was taped last week.  In fact, during the taping you can see Oprah Winfrey give Obama the order to get rid of Bin Laden.

Some news outlets are saying that the first person to tweet about Bin Laden's death was Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.  Apparently, Special Forces said, "Before we call the President, we should call ‘The Rock.'"

The news of Osama bin Laden's death interrupted last night's "Celebrity Apprentice."  Which begs the question: How do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?

The White House says they are going to release the Osama bin Laden "death photo." Even better, they're doing so on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.

On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh declared, "Thank God for President Obama."  In other words, the apocalypse has begun. 

It's being reported that Osama bin Laden was killed by an elite squad of Navy Seals called "Team 6." These guys are amazing—Not only did they kill bin Laden, they also killed Donald Trump's shot at being president.

When asked yesterday about the final moments of Osama bin Laden, Donald Trump said, "I hope he suffered a lot."  Well Trump got his wish—the CIA confirmed that Osama's last hour on Earth was spent watching "Celebrity Apprentice."

Yesterday, while commenting on the death of bin Laden, Sarah Palin credited President Bush, but not President Obama. Even worse, while commenting on the box office smash "Fast Five," she credited Ludacris, and not Vin Diesel.

Remember when we cared about the Royal Wedding?—Final numbers are in for the Royal wedding and it turns out 23 million Americans tuned in to watch.  Even more amazing, 6 of those people were male and straight.

Yesterday, the Vatican invited 150 bloggers from around the world to participate in a first-ever blogging summit.  When asked why, the Vatican said, "We'd like to reach out to young people without getting in trouble." 

Today, comedian Andy Dick was arrested in a restaurant for being drunk and disorderly.  Or as we call that here in Los Angeles, "the first sign of Spring."

The man credited with developing the compact disc has died, at the age of 81. As per his wishes, he will be buried in a plastic case that is impossible to open.

Last night on "Dancing With The Stars," Kirstie Alley aggressively kissed her dance partner. Then she said, "Sorry – I thought you were a wall of ham."

At an event last night in California, the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama Bin Laden was justified.  The Dalai Lama's exact quote was, "I love all living things but that guy was a dick."

At the time of his death, Osama bin Laden was found to have sewn the equivalent of 740 dollars into his clothing. As a result, experts say bin Laden's next plan was either to launch a major attack, or rent a 1-bedroom apartment in Chicago.

View co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she's written a poem for her children that explains the death of Osama bin Laden. Hasselbeck says the rhyme she's proudest of is: "Somebody shot a Muslim extremist – in the head, not in the penis."

Marijuana plants have been found near the compound of Osama Bin Laden. This may explain why his last words were, "Duuude."

It's been revealed that the Navy SEALs who killed Osama bin Laden were accompanied by a bomb-sniffing, armor-wearing German Shepherd. The German Shepherd says the mission was okay – but he was really hoping bin Laden had had a cat.

In his new book, Steven Tyler said he spent 20 million dollars on drugs.  5 million on cocaine and 15 million on arthritis medication.

BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or, as BP refers to it, "our warm-up spill."

It's been announced that there's a 3-D movie of "Glee" in the works. Apparently the 3-D is so good, it's like the characters are literally pulling you right out of the closet.

According to Time magazine, Cinco de Mayo is the 4th drunkest holiday in America.  The first three are St. Patrick's Day.

Today they celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House.  In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata, and then gave it a burial at sea. 

New reports reveal that the Navy SEALs who killed Osama bin Laden were told, "If he's not naked, shoot him."  They were also told, "If he's sleeping, take out a Sharpee and draw a penis next to his mouth."

In tonight's Republican Presidential debate, Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson, Rick Santorum, and Herman Cain each answered two questions: "What will you do about the economy?" and "Who the hell are you?"

Senator John McCain met with the CEO of Twitter today. At least that's what he tried to tweet on his garage door opener.

Photos are now floating around the internet of Kate Middleton's sister, Pippa, partying in a bra. In a related story, Prince William just realized he may have picked the wrong sister.

Police raided an ice cream parlor this week under suspicion it was doubling as a crack den. They grew suspicious when the ice cream parlor recently released their new flavor, "Cookies and Crack."

Mexico is now the largest market in the world for erectile dysfunction pills. The good news is, it's now easier to spot illegal immigrants coming across the border.

An Amish community is in trouble because their outhouse is leaking into the public water supply. Quilt your way out of this one, beardy!

Does anyone else have a feeling that Pakistan knows where the Hamburglar is?

For Mother's Day, Hooters was giving away free wings to moms. And I swear, I didn't even know that when I took my mom there yesterday.

President Obama said that the bin Laden raid in Pakistan was "the longest 40 minutes" of his life.  With the possible exception of every time he asks Joe Biden, "Hey, what's up?"

In a recent interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden, former Vice-President Dick Cheney said that he gives President Obama, "high marks." Then he said, "Trust me – I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face."

According to new reports, Osama bin Laden would often sit around his compound watching old videos of himself.  Even stranger was that he would do so while listening to Green Day's "Time of Your Life."

It's been announced that this week, "Glee" will perform its version of Rebecca Black's "Friday."  Unless of course Team 6 gets there in time.

Simon Cowell has hired Paula Abdul to be a judge on his new show "The X Factor." When asked why, Simon said, "She's got experience, an eye for talent, and I can pay her in cases of Wild Turkey."

McDonald's is now trying to make their restaurants more like Starbucks.  As a result, Starbucks is no longer the most depressing place to work on your screenplay. 

Regis Philbin has announced that he's coming out with a memoir this fall. The book will be released as a hardback, on Kindle, and as an "Extremely Loud Book on Tape."

On Saturday, health officials in the Philippines held a "Circumcision Party" for hundreds of boys. All the guests agreed that the worst part of the circumcision party had to be the bouncy castle.

Describing an erotic fantasy involving a Jeff Dunham puppet will make your therapist raise her price. Trust me.

Meredith Vieira is leaving the Today show—When asked if he too is leaving the Today show, Matt Lauer said, "I have a long-term deal with NBC—I'm going to be here for a while." All I can say is, ‘Matt, welcome to TBS.'"

The White House described the relationship between the US and Pakistan as "complicated." In fact, it's so complicated, the US just sent our ambassador over there to get our CDs and some of our t-shirts back.

Authorities believe that Osama bin Laden fathered between 20 and 26 children. Even more astonishing, he named them all George Foreman Jr.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. It's the first marital separation that will require a mediator, arbitrator, and a translator.

A school that Donald Trump started is being sued for fraud.  Apparently, it's a barber college.

Yesterday, Donald Trump insisted that he is not racist because, one time, an African American won "The Apprentice."  Because nothing says "not racist" like making a black man run your errands.  

This past weekend in Detroit, a plane had to be diverted due to a threatening note.  The note said, "Welcome to Detroit."

A company called BlingH2O has begun selling bottled water that costs $2,600 per bottle. Experts say it's the perfect way to say, "I am one thirsty douche-bag."

President Obama's approval rating has hit 60%, its highest in two years. Experts say at this rate, Obama can count on re-election if he just kills Osama bin Laden two more times in the next 12 months.

It's being reported that Al Qaeda has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization.  Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, "So what happened to the last guy?"

But that is true Al Qaeda has not picked a new leader yet.  They've narrowed it down to Meatloaf and Lil Jon.   

Senior officials are now saying that in addition to Team 6 – there was also a team of lawyers standing by in case bin Laden was captured alive. This team goes by the much less exciting code name "Team Weisberg, Melman, and Pratt."

Friends of Arnold Schwarzenegger say he's doing everything he can to win his wife back.  In fact, today, Arnold burned every single copy of "Jingle All the Way."

In a new interview, Donald Trump said that he uses Head and Shoulders on his hair.  As a result, Head and Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.

A passenger flying on Delta Airlines tried to open the emergency exit door mid-flight. Experts say if he'd gotten the door open, he'd have been the first ever Delta passenger to make a connection on time.

Some people are saying L.A. Laker Lamar Odom's reality show "Khloe and Lamar" is what caused the Lakers to lose in the playoffs.  Odom said "Khloe and Lamar" is not the reason they lost in the playoffs, but it is the reason he lost his dignity.

Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol announced that she recently had corrective surgery on her mouth. The procedure is being called "the right surgery on the wrong Palin."

Tomorrow, Ron Paul will announce that he's running for president and he supports legalizing prostitution and heroin.  His campaign slogan is, "Let's Just See What Would Happen."

In a revealing new interview with "Rolling Stone" magazine, potential presidential candidate Donald Trump discusses his best orgasm.  He says he only wishes someone else had been there to witness it.

Yesterday, Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television just to prove he is still alive.  After hearing this, Larry King said, "That proves nothing, I died 60 years ago."

At pro golfing's "Players' Championship," Tiger Woods pulled out after only a few holes because of an injury that made him limp.  The story was reported in the "Journal of Irresistible Double Entendres."

Angelina Jolie recently got a tattoo marking the coordinates of Brad Pitt's birthplace and it's right next to tattoos marking the birthplaces of all their children.  In a related story: Angelina Jolie is out of skin.

Oreo is planning to unveil a three-cookied Double-Stuf Oreo with an extra layer of cream that they're calling the "The Triple Double Oreo."  This barely beat out their 2nd choice for a name: "Rocketship to Planet Diabetes."

Last night on "American Idol," Lady Gaga wore shoes that had penises for heels. There was an awkward moment when Lady Gaga fell down – because her left shoe lost its erection.

I just discovered that I can power all my appliances with the perkiness of that girl in the Progressive Insurance commercials.

Oprah has revealed who the guest will be on her final show and it’s not me. P.S. Congrats to whoever “Will Smith” is.

My son asked me where babies come from, and to distract him I said "some day we're all going to die."

Donald Trump announced today that he is not running for president.  This is devastating news for Trump supporters, all of whom are late night comedians.

Last week, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul came out for the legalization of heroin and prostitution. Unfortunately, not in time to be cast as Charlie Sheen's replacement on "Two and a Half Men."

After President Obama explained to former President Bush how he ordered Team 6 to take out bin Laden, Bush reportedly said "Good call."  Actually, Bush's exact words were, "Good call – but I still would've sent Batman."

So much pornography was found at Osama bin Laden's compound, they're investigating whether it was used to send coded messages.  So from now on guys, when your lady catches you, you're not looking at porn, you're analyzing CODED MESSAGES.

Two days after the Osama bin Laden raid, Disney trademarked the name "Seal Team 6."  Disney also renamed their most popular ride, "It's a small world, and we will find where you're hiding and kill you."

Southwest Airlines is being criticized because they recently told two passengers that they were too fat to fly. Then things really got embarrassing when the two passengers turned out to be one guy.

At the Cannes Film Festival this weekend, an audience gave a ten minute standing ovation to a silent film.  Apparently, somebody showed "Burlesque" with the sound off.

This past weekend, famous physicist Stephen Hawking said there is no heaven and people who believe there is believe in fairy tales. Guests say it was the most awkward wedding toast ever.

If you see only one hilarious movie about wacky bridesmaids this week, make it “Thor.”

Hello, I'm Conan O'Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger Jr.

Arnold Schwarzenegger had a love child with his mistress before he was Governor. This may explain his campaign promise to leave ALMOST no child behind.

In a statement released today, Arnold said, "I am truly sorry. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused." Then he said, "But enough about ‘Jingle All the Way,' let's talk about my lovechild."

Supposedly, Arnold fathered the child with a household servant.  So now Arnold has made two "Junior's" that he doesn't want to talk about.

So like I said Arnold Schwarzenegger secretly had this child 10 years ago—He told his wife Maria about it at the time but it took her this long to figure out what the hell he was saying.

The amazing thing is that Arnold kept it a secret for 10 years.  So the real shock is: maybe he is a good actor after all.

It's being reported that when President Obama met SEAL Team 6, he didn't ask which one of them shot Bin Laden. The President says he just assumed it was the guy wearing the T-shirt that said, "Guess what bitches - I shot bin Laden!"

The TSA is considering allowing people they call ‘trusted travellers' to avoid patdowns. When asked how a traveller can become ‘trusted,' the head of the TSA smiled and said, "Meet me behind the food court in five minutes and find out."

A former cast member from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" is now working as a stripper at Scores Gentlemen's Club. Industry experts are describing it as "a lateral move."

In Florida, a group of OB-Gyns is being accused of turning away patients who are obese. In their defense, the OB-Gyns said, "You don't know what it's like down there!"

For the last week of her show, Oprah Winfrey will tape at the United Center with 20,000 people in the audience. Three of them will be men. 

On this week's "Celebrity Apprentice," Donald Trump asked Meatloaf to teach him to cry.  Meatloaf made Trump cry by saying, "Hey, you're on a TV show with Meatloaf."

Ron Paul has announced he's running for President, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. I know he doesn't have much of a chance, but if he does win, that is going to be one HELL of a victory party.

A document seized at Osama bin Laden's compound reveals that bin Laden wanted to attack and punish Hollywood. The document is a screenplay bin Laden wrote entitled "Yogi Bear II: The Wrath of Boo-Boo."

A woman in California is in trouble for injecting her 8-year-old daughter with Botox.  The 8-year-old is the first kid in history who made a face and it really did stay that way. 

A couple obsessed with Facebook named their child "Like" after the website's "Like" button. Still sounds like she got a better deal than her older brother, "Poke."

There's a new app that lets you get items at a 7-11 without using cash or a credit card.  The app is known as "a gun."

The CW is developing a reality show that pairs people with a celebrity that they hate. It's called "The Kanye West Show."

In a new study, researchers found that women have different types of orgasms when they are alone versus when they are with a partner. Apparently, the two different types of orgasms are called "real" and "fake."

I hate holding my wife’s purse when she’s buying shoes, especially when she’s buying them on Zappos.

I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries "for the table."

The good news is, the apocalypse did not happen this weekend! The bad news is, we kind of thought it would so we don't have much of a show for you tonight.

The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture this Saturday was quoted as saying, "It's been a really tough weekend."  To make things worse, his friends keep calling to say, "Hey, come on, it's not the end of the world."

President Obama is travelling through Europe, and today he was in Ireland. While he's there, Obama's Secret Service code name is "the Black Guy who's in Ireland."

Legal experts speculate that Arnold Schwarzenegger may have to give Maria Shriver up to $100 million in a divorce. When asked for comment, Arnold said, "But I have families to support!"

The United States government has decided that no one is getting the $25 million reward for the killing of Osama Bin Laden. The problem is, nobody wants to be the one to break the news to Seal Team 6.

It's being reported that presidential candidate Newt Gingrich once had a $500,000 debt with the jewelry store Tiffany's. In Newt's defense, he WAS buying jewelry for nine women.

It's being reported that even though Oprah Winfrey's show is ending this week, she's planning to stay active. Oprah Winfrey said, "I don't want to be one of those sad women who just sits at home watching daytime TV."

Republican Tim Pawlenty launched his presidential campaign today with a pledge to "tell Americans the truth."  Which explains his slogan: "Tim Pawlenty for President: I'm Not Going to Win."

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels has announced that he will not run for President in 2012. Daniels reached the decision after early polling determined that even HE didn't know who "Mitch Daniels" was.

A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals.  In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team. 

Researchers are now saying that atheists have better sex lives than people who believe in God.  However, they have no idea what to yell out during sex.

A flight attendant from Orange County insists that her son is NOT another Arnold Schwarzenegger love child. Then she said, "Now if you'll excuse me – I'm late for Arnie Jr.'s bus-lifting tournament."

The rumor is that Maria Shriver was the one who secretly leaked the story of Arnold's love child to the press.  Apparently, she got the idea to leak things secretly from Arnold.

The preacher who predicted the apocalypse on Saturday is now saying it will come in October. It's the first time someone's "end of the world" prediction was followed up with, "So everyone have a great summer!"

Yesterday, Madonna made a surprise appearance on one of Oprah Winfrey's final shows and told the audience that Oprah Winfrey has "balls and a wealth of compassion."  Then Oprah Winfrey said Madonna has "compassion and a wealth of balls." 

Last night at a Texas Rangers game, former President George W. Bush almost got hit with a foul ball.  Bush vowed revenge on the batter, but you know Obama's going to be the one to actually get him.

Photographs have surfaced of North Korean President Kim Jong Il visiting China, but the Chinese declined to confirm that he was there. Experts say, "It COULD be Kim Jong Il – or any number of poorly dressed lesbians."

A company has started selling a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich in a can called "Candwich." The company is hoping that it will sell better than their last product – a hoagie in a bag called "Ho-Bag."

Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah has been fined $50,000 for yelling a remark that was offensive to gay people.  Reportedly the offensive remark was, "Glee has jumped the shark!"

Last night on "Dancing With the Stars," Kirstie Alley performed a cartwheel. So if you were in the greater Los Angeles area, that's what you felt.

Last night on "Dancing With the Stars", Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel.  It was Kirstie's first cartwheel since they opened a Cinnabon in her neighborhood.

Last night on "Dancing With the Stars", Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel.  The judges gave her a 4.6 and the Richter Scale gave her a 6.8.

Hi, I'm Conan O'Brien and I'm the new queen of daytime television.

On Oprah's final show today, she thanked her 4th grade teacher for believing in her when no one else did. Things got uncomfortable when the teacher looked at Oprah Winfrey and said, "I'm sorry—I don't remember you."

New video has surfaced of Arnold Schwarzenegger at a public event in 2001, saying that his housekeeper does "an incredible job." One clue might have been that Schwarzenegger then added, "And she's also a good housekeeper."

There's a documentary coming out about Sarah Palin and it's called "The Undefeated."  Actually, the full title is "Undefeated…Unless You Count the 2008 Presidential Election Which is the Only National Race In Which She's Ever Run."

A new Facebook app will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day.  9 times out of 10, the answer will be "wasting your time on Facebook."

California has been ordered to reduce prison overcrowding by releasing 46,000 convicts.  And they're all in my audience tonight.

According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who are depressed. The study was conducted by the University of—ahh, what's the point?

The Kardashian sisters announced they are writing a novel.  The only thing that would shock me more would be to find out they were reading a novel.

In Chicago, a lawyer is being accused of hiring a woman with large breasts to sit next to him and distract the jury.  When asked for his ruling, the judge said, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

Kirstie Alley says that now that she's done with "Dancing with the Stars," she's thinking of doing a Broadway show. Alley says she's not sure which Broadway show she'll do – but she's leaning towards "Fiddler on The Reinforced Roof."

I think I may be going through Oprah Winfrey withdrawal. Today at 4:00 I cried for no reason and checked under my chair for a prize.

On her last show yesterday, Oprah Winfrey gave the audience her personal email address and told them to "keep in touch."  Then she added in, "Just please – nobody give that to Dr. Phil."

Charlie Sheen is selling the house he's lived in since 1997.  Sheen's realtor says the house is perfect for a young threesome just starting out.

The Pope's adviser on sex-abuse cases within the Catholic Church has now himself been charged with sexual abuse. When they told the Pope the news, he threw his pointy hat on the ground and said, "I have had it with this shit!" 

It's being reported that the US was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. Experts say that when she saw pictures of bin Laden's body—she pumped her fist in the air and said, "NOW who can't drive the car???"

Campbell's announced its sale of soups in America have fallen, in part due to rising food prices.  And also due to its unpopular new offering, "Cream of Schwarzenegger."

The History Channel is airing a new reality series about taxidermy called Mounted in Alaska. Coincidentally, this was also the theme of Bristol Palin's prom.

Product placement is so pervasive these days it makes me want to Doritos.

Hey, it's Jack McBrayer's birthday. Let's all chip in and buy him an indoor toilet!

I hear there's an evil peacock in Kung Fu Panda 2. Those kids movies are so unrealistic.

My baloney has a first name. It's Jeff. Think I need to switch brands.

75 degrees and sunny outside. This is perfect Rollerblades Gather More Dust weather.

Today Anthony Weiner held a press conference where he admitted he sent the lewd photo himself and a reporter asked him, "What were you thinking?"  Things got awkward when the Congressman looked at his crotch and said, "Well, answer the man."

Congressman Anthony Weiner's career is in turmoil ever since he tweeted that picture of his genitalia. Fortunately, he will still be allowed to keep his porn name, "Congressman Anthony Weiner."

Today at the press conference, Congressman Weiner said, "I have never met any of these women or had physical relations with them at any time."  Which explains why, this afternoon, Newt Gingrich called him a "pussy."

Today is the 67th anniversary of D-Day the day the Allies landed at Normandy Beach during World War II.  Or as Sarah Palin calls it, "the day the Nazis fought the Vikings."

It's being reported that there's a new temporary leader of Al Qaeda.  Frankly, I was surprised they went with Ashton Kutcher.

According to a new survey, 8% of American men have cheated on their wives while on a business trip. Isn't that shocking – 8% of American men still have JOBS?

A woman in Oregon awoke from dental surgery to find she had a British accent. Doctors are calling it the first recorded instance of someone with a British accent doing something about their teeth.

Scientists at Yale taught monkeys to play a modified version of "Rock, Paper, Scissors." In fact, it's worked out so well, the monkeys use it to decide who gets to throw poo at the scientists.

The new "X-Men" movie had the lowest-earning opening weekend of any of the X-Men movies.  Producers have already announced one of the mutants for the next X-men movie, "Sporadically Topless Girl."

Last night at the MTV Movie Awards, Reese Witherspoon said, "It's possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show."  Moments later, she was killed and eaten by Khloe Kardashian.

There is an anti-circumcision comic book out now and it features a superhero called, "Foreskin Man."  Trust me, you don't want to see his cape.  

One of the women Congressman Weiner was sexting turns out to be a porn star.  When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, "I don't know."

People are bidding for a private lunch with billionaire investor Warren Buffett and so far the bidding has reached over $2 million. Buffett says the first financial tip he'll give the winner is "try not to spend two million dollars on lunch."

Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper.  When Arnold Schwarzenegger heard this he said, "So it looks like they do want to start a family!"

It's been reported that the Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that's just what happens when your work force starts to enter its teens.

Jennifer Lopez has blocked the sale of her honeymoon sex tape, which contains 15 minutes of nudity. J. Lo says she's not embarrassed by the nudity, but she does do some acting in it.

Last night during a fashion award show, Lady Gaga had a wardrobe malfunction. Of course, when Lady Gaga has a wardrobe malfunction, someone loses an eye and three geese die.

Congressman Anthony Weiner reportedly called and apologized to Bill Clinton for the entire Weinergate scandal.  Clinton told him, "Tell me everything and I mean everything."

Anthony Weiner called President Clinton to apologize.  When Bill suggested that he also call Hillary, Weiner said, "Don't worry – I just sent her a text."

Yesterday, Donald Trump said, "Anthony Weiner is a bad guy, he's a psycho."  So look for him on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

Congressman Weiner has now admitted to having affairs with six different women over email, Twitter, and Facebook.  Even worse, today he admitted to having an affair with three chickens on FarmVille.

51% of New York voters said Congressman Weiner should keep his seat. The other 49% think he should disinfect it.

China has announced that they will begin construction on a "Hello Kitty" theme park.  Not only that, China's also beginning construction on a "Goodbye Doggie" cafeteria.

President Obama proclaimed June to be "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month."  They waited until June because that's when "Glee" is in reruns.

Both Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Weiner to resign.  Meanwhile, late night comedians are calling for him to hang in there.

It's coming out that the women who Weiner sexted with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or as we call that here in Los Angeles, "the circle of life."

Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, Schwarzenegger described his ring as a "total housekeeper magnet."

Kate Middleton's sister, Pippa Middleton, narrowly lost out having her rear end declared "Rear of the Year" in Britain.  Pippa was gracious in defeat and congratulated three time winner, Queen Elizabeth.

Yesterday, Apple founder Steve Jobs announced plans to build a new, state-of-the-art headquarters for Apple.  Jobs then announced that in 6 months, they'll replace it with a slightly thinner headquarters with a crappy camera.

The dog who inherited $12 million from the real estate mogul Leona Helmsley has passed away.   The dog died broke after smoking $12 million worth of dog crack.

According to a recent study, 60% of women have faked an orgasm in their lifetime. The study was taken in a place where 40% of women lie.  

Congressman Weiner's apartment, which had been for sale, has been taken off the market. Apparently potential buyers became suspicious of what he meant by "full Southern exposure."

Congressman Weiner is insisting that he will not quit.  Weiner's exact quote was "I can keep going all night long."

One of the women Congressman Weiner was having an online affair with was a Las Vegas blackjack dealer. Of course Weiner wasn't very good at blackjack because he hit on everything over 17.

My thanks to Congressman Anthony Weiner for making my job so easy this week. Now it’s your turn, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

It's probably time for Congressman Weiner to resign. Hopefully we’ll get better behavior out of his replacement, Richard Penis.

Last night was the NBA finals and the Tony Awards, so as you can imagine a lot of fighting over the remote with my wife. But in the end I gave in and let the woman watch her basketball.

Lebron James said that last night's loss in the NBA finals feels like "a personal failure."  Then someone explained to Lebron that it is a personal failure.

The Miami Herald mistakenly ran a full-page ad congratulating the Miami Heat on winning the NBA championship.  Lebron James was so annoyed with the newspaper, he crumbled it up and tossed it just short of the wastebasket.

This weekend Congressman Weiner announced he was entering a treatment program. Amazingly, it's the only thing Weiner entered during the whole scandal.

Congressman Weiner announced that he is seeking help from a professional.  After hearing this, Eliot Spitzer said, "That's odd, I got in trouble for seeking help from a professional."

TMZ published a nearly nude photo of Congressman Weiner which was taken in the Congressional gym.  Newt Gingrich was shocked and said, "There's a congressional gym?"

Last week, most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff all quit on the same day, and some people are blaming Newt's third wife.  When asked about it, Newt said, "Don't worry, I'll win them back with my fourth wife."

Tonight's GOP debate will be the first to feature Mitt Romney. Experts are predicting a tough fight between Romney and his biggest ideological opponent: Mitt Romney from four years ago.

According to a new study, male politicians run for office to "be somebody," while female politicians run so they can "do something." The study has a margin of error of plus or minus Sarah Palin.

Alaska released 24,000 pages of Sarah Palin's emails on Friday, and many people have noticed that Palin likes to use "flippin" instead of the f-word.  For instance, one email says, "I wish my daughter and Levi Johnston would stop flippin'."

It's been reported that Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is engaged to his longtime girlfriend.  Zuckerberg said he's excited and can't wait to actually meet her.

Over the weekend, a convenience store in Illinois was robbed at gunpoint for 99 cents.  Police are now looking for a man with "an extremely reasonable crack habit."

Inventors have come out with a wrap-around alarm clock that wakes you up by vibrating your wrist. Experts estimate that every man who bought one is probably using it wrong.

Last night during the GOP debate, Mitt Romney interrupted the proceedings to announce the score of the hockey game. Political experts say this can only mean one thing:  Mitt Romney has already written off the black vote.

During last night's Presidential Debate, Candidate Herman Cain was asked if he likes "Deep Dish" or "Thin Crust" Pizza.  Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, "Wait, there's pizza?"

During the GOP debate last night, Michele Bachmann playfully slapped Newt Gingrich on the wrist. In a related story, Newt Gingrich has just left his third wife for Michele Bachmann.

President Obama said today that he would be okay with being a one-term president. And with that, Obama carefully aimed an iPhone down his pants and pressed "Send."

Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper said Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13 year-old son.  For instance, last year as class president, he left the 6th grade with a 42 billion dollar deficit.   

In an interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper said the affair wasn't all Arnold's fault because "it takes two."  After hearing this, Congressman Weiner said, "Actually, it just takes one."

Two women on Manhattan's Upper West Side were arrested for fighting over a package of frozen pad thai from Trader Joe's. The women are being held by the NYPD's "Yuppy Crimes Division."

This week, the FDA announced that sunscreen companies may have to make their product even more powerful. The FDA made the announcement after seeing me come out of the shower.

A toy company has introduced a Congressman Weiner action figure. Let's just say you don't want to know what's inside his Kung-Fu Grip.

Congressman Weiner announced he's taking a two week leave of absence to seek treatment.  Weiner has checked into the "That's Not Mayo" Clinic.

Today, President Obama hosted a White House picnic for Congress. There was an awkward moment when Congressman Weiner showed up and tried to enter the 3 legged race alone.

Congressman Weiner's wife returned today from a diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she was tired of people in Ethiopia telling her, "I feel so sorry for you!"

Today the porn star that Congressman Weiner sexted with held a press conference. She talked about Weiner the whole time, until the end, when she spoke a little about the Congressman.

Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a "very sad life."  In other words, she's never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco. 

A New York bill to legalize gay marriage needs only one more vote to pass. Unfortunately, that vote belongs to State Senator Tracy Morgan.

A new study shows that only 35% of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence.  When Sarah Palin heard this she said, "How are they supposed to know about something that happened almost 20 years ago?"

A Tea Party group is running a summer camp for kids. It's the only camp where the kids sit around a bonfire and hear scary stories about taxing the richest two percent.

There's been an outbreak of chlamydia among the world's population of koala bears.  Experts say it's the cutest outbreak of chlamydia ever.

After being asked to leave a store for breastfeeding, a woman in Illinois staged a "nurse in" of breastfeeding mothers outside the store.  Afterwards, the store manager said, "My plan worked perfectly."

Good news—today Congressman Anthony Weiner resigned. The bad news—he made the announcement shirtless over Skype.

During Congressman Weiner's press conference, a heckler in the crowd yelled out, "Are you more than seven inches?" So disgusting – it's 2011, and we are still not on the metric system!

Yesterday, Congressman Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning.  Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper revealed that when she confessed to Maria Shriver the two of them cried together.  Then Arnold tried cheering them up by saying, "How ‘bout a threesome?"

According to a poll, over 50% of viewers thought that Mitt Romney won this week's presidential debate. Romney credits the win to his preparation, his grasp of the issues, and the good people at Mattel who built him.

According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice as much time with their children as they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called "unemployment."

In Greece, 20,000 angry protesters filled the streets and threw yogurt at the police. All I can say is, thank god the police stopped that crazy mob before they got down to the "fruit layer."

According to a recent study, watching too much television on a daily basis increases your chance of a premature death. The study goes on to say I'm worth it.

Happy 100th birthday, IBM! Or, should I say, "0110100001100001011100000111000001111001 00100000001100010011000000110000011101000110100."

There's a big difference between seeing the sign "Employees Must Wash Their Hands", and seeing "Employees Must Wash Their Hands... Right?"

Did everyone have a nice Father's Day?  I have to say I was a little bit upset when my son gave a tie to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A spokesman for Texas Governor Rick Perry said there is a 50-50 chance he'll run for president.  Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said there is an 80-50 chance she'll run.

According to the Washington Post, rebels in Libya like to smoke hash before they fight.  All I can say is, if the hash you're smoking makes you want to fight, you might need a new dealer.

This weekend, President Obama and Speaker John Boehner partnered up on the golf course. Spectators said it was great to look out on the course and see a person of color playing golf with the President of the United States.

A dating Website called "BeautifulPeople.com" has dumped 30,000 members claiming they're too ugly and shouldn't have been there.  However, all 30,000 have been invited to join the new website called, "Beergoggles.com."

NBC has apologized for editing out the words "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance during its coverage of the U.S. Open.  NBC says it's also sorry about having Brian William signoff from the Nightly News with, "Hail Satan."

Borders Books has announced that it expects to find a buyer by the end of July. Not a buyer for the company, just anyone willing to pay them for a book.

Bristol Palin has written a memoir and in it, she says she lost her virginity on a night that she drank too many wine coolers. The details are in the chapter called, "Things I Have Common with Conan O'Brien."

At the Daytime Emmys, the soap opera "The Bold and the Beautiful" won four awards. Among the Emmys it won were "Best Drama Series," "Best Supporting Actor" and "Last Soap Opera Still on the Air."

The Florida Marlins' new manager, Jack McKeon, is 80-years-old.  This makes him the oldest man working in baseball, and the youngest man working in Florida.

It's being reported that Kirstie Alley has a new 21-year-old boyfriend. Kirstie says she likes the younger boyfriend because he can do it three times per night—and by "it", I mean dinner.

After being dumped by his fiancé, Hugh Hefner reportedly already has a new Playmate girlfriend. Apparently, Hef met his new girlfriend while he was having sex with her.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in his homeland of Austria today and said he misses Schnitzel. By the way, Schnitzel is the name of his Austrian love child.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is back home in Austria.  Arnold is staying at his summer house on his summer housekeeper.

John McCain says he is "puzzled" by the backlash to his comment that illegal immigrants are the cause of Arizona's wildfires. He then said, "Of course, I'm also puzzled by the ‘defrost' option on my microwave."

The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt's new leader, President Betty White.

Texas governor Rick Perry says that if he runs for president, he's ready to fight accusations that he's gay.  He said any man who so much as asks him if he's gay is going to get a good hard pinch in the butt.

In her new book, Bristol Palin reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip.  Bristol said she named her son "Tripp" because "Camping" seemed like a dumb name.

A man has been awarded $100,000 after claiming his female boss grabbed his privates while on the job at Lenscrafters.  Out of habit, she would ask, "Better like this, or better like this?"

The makers of "The Hangover Part II" have settled a copyright infringement case with a tattoo artist who said they stole his design for Ed Helms' tattoo. Still pending is the plagiarism lawsuit being brought by the plot of "The Hangover I."

Tracy Morgan held a press conference to officially apologize to the homosexual community. Not helping is that he said, "I'm sorry for my remark—that was totally gay of me."

New app idea: Everyone gets a unique set of numbers. Type those numbers into the app and you can speak to each other!

Today Sarah Palin ended her bus tour, reportedly canceling events in Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire.  When asked why, Palin said, "It turns out those places are nowhere near each other." 

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich bragged about his third wife's accomplishments by saying, "She plays the French horn." Things got awkward when he added, "If you know what I mean."

In a new videotaped message, Texas Governor Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on "Tweeter."  After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, "What an idiot, it's THE Tweeter."

Arnold Schwarzenegger told a reporter that what he misses about Austria the most is its "juicy wiener schnitzel."   By the way, the conference he's attending is at the Institute of Jokes that Write Themselves.

Republican Presidential Candidate Jon Huntsman's new campaign ad says he's "not in it for the balloons."  After hearing this, George W. Bush said, "But the balloons are the best part."

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum once said, "I have no problem with homosexuality, I have a problem with homosexual acts."  So in other words Santorum has just sewn up the crucial "Gay people who don't have gay sex" vote.

The TSA has announced changes in how its screeners will conduct pat downs on kids. For starters, the pat downs will no longer take place in a windowless van in an alley.

Some people are disturbed by three new FDA labels on cigarette packages that show rotting teeth, a sewn-up corpse, and smoke coming out of a man's neck hole. They're also disturbed that the FDA is encouraging people to "Collect all three!"

George Clooney and his long-time lingerie model girlfriend have broken up.  Friends said Clooney was so depressed, there was definitely a gloomy quality to his next 19 hours of nonstop sex.

Just days after calling off her wedding to Hugh Hefner, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has returned the couple's dog to Hefner.  Sources say he's a slightly mangy fellow who pees himself a lot, but that he's very glad to get his dog back.

In North Carolina a man robbed a bank in order to go to jail so he could receive free healthcare.  And it worked—the man's been in jail for two days and he's already gotten 15 free prostate exams.

The FBI has arrested the criminal who was the inspiration for the movie "The Departed."  The FBI is now looking for whoever's responsible for the last five Katherine Heigl movies.   

Yesterday, Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin's new book and that she found it, "Shocking."  When asked what was shocking, Palin said, "The fact that I read a book."

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said if his country wants to make a nuclear bomb, they will.  Then he said, he's getting his ears pierced and there's nothing you can do it about, DAD!

Today while Justin Bieber was signing autographs, a 40-something year old man jumped the barricade and knocked him down.  No word yet on which member of Backstreet Boys it was.

The Supreme Court has ruled that the makers of generic drugs cannot be sued for inadequate labeling on their products. In fact, now all they have to say is, "This will do something to your cholesterol level and/or penis."

J.K. Rowling unveiled her new website for hardcore Harry Potter fans. It's called Proactive.com.

Another Kardashian sex tape has reportedly been leaked. You know who has trouble keeping up with the Kardashians? Working porn stars.

A Southwest airlines pilot was overheard complaining that the women in Houston are only "part do-able." When they heard this, women in Houston said that Southwest pilots make love the way they fly: with frequent stops and a tiny bag of nuts.

Now there’s just one Boston guy nicknamed Whitey living in Los Angeles.

New York State has legalized gay marriage—That's right, people are saying New York City will now be America's "gay-wedding" capital.  Meanwhile, New Jersey is still the capital of "Straight men having gay sex in a rest stop." 

Today, Republican presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich said that he does not support gay marriage.  He said, "Marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wife."

This morning, New Jersey's 300 pound Governor Chris Christie came out against gay marriage, saying it is not something that he can support. Then the floor beneath him shouted, "You're not something I can support."

Today, Michele Bachman said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa is the birthplace of John Wayne, when actually, it is the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy.  Then she said her favorite sitcom from the ‘80s is, "Charles Manson in Charge."

Today former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich's face remained expressionless, while his hair remained ridiculous.

An authoritative new book of Nelson Mandela's quotations has been published. The most surprising quote was, "Regardless of skin color, creed, or orientation, bitch better have my money."

In a new poll, Americans say if they could only have one child, they'd prefer that child to be a boy.  After hearing about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger offered to help.

The Brazilian government has confirmed the existence of a primitive tribe in the Amazon jungle that has had no contact with the modern world.  In fact, the tribe is so primitive they live in huts and hang out at Blockbuster video.

Earlier today an asteroid the size of a bus barely missed the Earth.  After hearing about it, people in Los Angeles asked, "What the hell is a bus?"

A preschool in Sweden has banned children from using gender-identifying words like "him," "her," "she," and "he."  Instead, children are encouraged to refer to each other as "Chaz."

This Wednesday, the Catholic Church is launching a new website, and reportedly all priests are being encouraged to interact with people online. So, check it out this Wednesday at: www.Probably-not-a-good-idea.com.

William Shakespeare smoked weed? Now I can finally mount that “Two Gentlemen from Verona” production with Cheech and Chong.

Experts say New York's new gay marriage bill could bring $210 million into the state's economy. Even more surprising, all of that would be from one crazy gay bachelor party.

Yesterday, Reverend Pat Robertson said that the legalization of gay marriage means that God is going to destroy America. So you can imagine how awkward it was when God introduced Pat Robertson to his life-partner, "Brad."

The Pope has released his first-ever Tweet over Twitter.  Trying to reach as wide an audience as possible, all he Tweeted was "I bless thee in the name of the Father, the Gaga, and the Holy Bieber."

Sarah Palin is in Iowa today to attend a screening of a documentary about her called The Undefeated. Critics describe "The Undefeated" as a heartwarming tale about a woman who has forgotten that—in her last election—she was defeated.

TBS is denying rumors they are giving Charlie Sheen his own show.  A spokesperson for TBS said, "One mentally unbalanced former network star is enough."

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. Apparently the first question he asks his potential replacements is "What's the difference between ‘reply' and ‘reply all?'"

A senior leader of Al-Qaeda has been captured in Afghanistan dressed as a woman.  People became suspicious when they spotted a man in a dress stoning himself.

Mathematicians are considering getting rid of the number pi and replacing it with a different number called "tau."  After hearing they were getting rid of pi, Kirstie Alley said "Goodbye cruel world" and jumped off a building.

Message to Mitt Romney: if you don’t become the next President, don’t worry, you’ll always be Mayor of Handsometown.

Now that gay marriage is legalized in New York, prisons are going to allow gay inmates to have conjugal visits from their spouses. So finally prison inmates will get to have gay sex. 

On Monday, Rev. Pat Robertson said that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. And then, God will rebuild America into the greatest dance club the world has ever known.

Today in Minnesota, Sarah and Bristol Palin made an appearance at a book store.   Apparently, it was "Bring Your Daughter to a Place You Never Go" day.

Chris Hansen, the host of "To Catch a Predator," was caught cheating on his wife with a woman 20 years younger than him. Hansen knew something was up when he walked into his kitchen this morning and he was already there, waiting for himself.

Earlier today, Lindsay Lohan had her house arrest bracelet removed.  Then, when no one was looking, Lohan slipped the bracelet in to her pocket. 

Legendary astronaut Buzz Aldrin is now single. He's been going to a lot of bars and asking ladies if they want to take one giant leap onto his mankind.

California officials are claiming that the Census failed to count over a million residents of the state.  My question is, how did Schwarzenegger manage to cover up that many children?

On Monday, Rev. Pat Robertson said that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. On the plus side, he admitted that gays will then come in and do a beautiful renovation.

North Korea has shut down all its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories.  Or as they call it in North Korea, "Spring Break!"

Six years ago Newscorp bought MySpace for $580 million. Last week they sold it for $35 million. Today I saw it on eBay for 88 bucks.

The LAPD asked me to warn you to avoid the 405 Freeway on July 16 & 17, or else the red light photo of me driving in a satin slip goes viral.

I’m trying to decide which to see: “Bad Teacher,” “Horrible Bosses” or “Crappy Transformers.”

I can’t believe the aerobic workout I get every day running from Cat Deeley’s bodyguards.

I’m thinking of outsourcing a company in India to write my cultural stereotype jokes.

They’ve closed a major freeway here in LA and are calling it “Carmageddon.” I would’ve called it “The Carshank Redemption."

Our first show back after a two week break.  Andy and I took the time to reconnect with our families and then fix the 405 freeway.

Carmageddon was this weekend and every one stayed in.  In fact, the only people that left their home were emergency workers, police officers and Marc Anthony.

The final Harry Potter movie opened this weekend. Which means it's the first time in their lives Harry Potter fans have experienced a climax.

Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka Trump, gave birth to a baby girl over the weekend. The baby's name is Trump Granddaughter and Casino.

MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama "a dick."  Meanwhile, FOX News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama "a dick."

An audio clip from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Actually, her exact words were, "I'm going to run for President in 2012."

At the Phoenix Airport, a woman is being accused of groping a TSA agent. The woman was taken into custody and immediately hired by the TSA.

Border's book store is going to be liquidated after failing to receive a single bid to buy the company.  Apparently, all the potential investors who showed up just hung around inside for a while, hoping to use the bathroom.

A woman was arrested for trying to sell her baby at a Taco Bell.  Even worse, she did so by labeling him a "Bambino Grande."

The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Kirstie Alley picks up young men by promising them movie roles.  Meanwhile, young men pick up Kirstie by promising her "cinnamon rolls."

Today while testifying in Parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names.  Murdoch immediately gave the man his own show on FoxNews.

The audience for the new Harry Potter movie has been 54% female and 46% male.  However, none of the males went to the film with a female. 

In a new interview, Daniel Radcliffe admits he once had a drinking problem. Then he realized what kind of money he was making and realized he could totally afford a coke problem.

Due to the heat wave, health experts in the Midwest are telling residents to go easy on their workouts. To which people in the Midwest responded, "What's a workout?"

Meteorologists say temperatures may reach 100 degrees in Washington DC. Of course, Republicans have vowed to not let it go above 96 degrees.

A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to all their clients. The recommendation has been hailed as "historic" by women's groups and "ten years too late" by Maria Shriver.

NASA is now considering a much smaller craft to replace the Space Shuttle, and it's being described as a "space taxi." NASA says the space taxi can do everything the Space Shuttle does, except pick you up if you're Black.

After attending the All-Star Game, the manager of the Chicago Cubs Mike Quade was detained by the TSA for 40 minutes.  Apparently, the TSA demanded to know what someone from the Cubs was doing at the All-Star Game.

According to a medical journal, a 22 year old woman has a nipple on the bottom of her foot.  In fact, she recently filed groping charges against the guy at Payless.

Over the weekend, President Obama held a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. Apparently, the President asked about the political situation in Tibet, and then the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez.

The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony broke up over another woman.  Apparently, the other woman was Steven Tyler.

Rick Santorum says he has a "Google problem" cause when you Google his name, it brings up an obscene term.  Fellow candidate Tim Pawlenty said he also has a Google problem—when you Google his name, it says, "No results found."

Sarah Palin's son, Track, announced that he and his wife are expecting a baby.  The couple doesn't know the baby's name yet but they do know it will be a verb.

It's been reported that Michele Bachmann suffers from migraine headaches that leave her incapacitated.  Whenever that happens, one of her staffers has to step in and hate gay people for her. 

Microsoft founder Bill Gates announced that he's working to reinvent the toilet.  Meanwhile, Steve Jobs is coming out with something called the iCrap.

In Sweden, a sperm-sniffing police dog is helping authorities solve cases.  The first case the dog helped solve was "the case of the perv who trained the sperm-sniffing dog."

New York City is currently holding a lottery for gay couples hoping to get married.  State officials will choose four lucky balls—but no word yet on how the lottery part will work.

With a major heat wave gripping much of the country health officials are urging Americans to stay home.  To which most Americans said, "We are home—we don't have jobs."

NASA says that, without the Space Shuttle, they'll now have to pay the Russians $63 million just to fly one astronaut to the International Space Station. And if the astronaut wants to check a bag, it's an extra $15 million.

In the United Arab Emirates, a wealthy sheikh had his name carved so large in the sand that it can be seen from space.  The best part is that —in even bigger letters—someone wrote "has a tiny penis."

A new study finds that listening to the radio makes people happier than surfing the internet.  The study was conducted by a group of people who are unaware there's porn on the internet.

There's a new social network that's been created just for senior citizens. Actually, we're just sending them to MySpace—but we're telling them it's new.

Yesterday, the Senate held hearings on gay marriage, and one Senator who supports gay rights quoted Abraham Lincoln.  He said Lincoln would have been friendly to gays because he had a beard and lived his last moments in the theater.

A couple in Indiana is in trouble for having sex for 30 minutes in a public pool in front of dozens of witnesses. Who does that? Who has sex for 30 minutes?

If Voldemort is such a powerful wizard, why can’t he conjure up a new nose?

The NFL lock-out has been settled and the season will take place after all.  After hearing this, Detroit Lions fans said, "We were afraid this might happen."

In New York, two grandmothers became the state's first legally wed same-sex couple. The night before, the two grandmothers threw a bachelorette party where a stripper jumped out of a lemon square.

Because Republicans won't agree on President's Obama's proposals on raising the debt ceiling, the President may have to cancel his 50th birthday party. So it's worse than we thought—Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age.

Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America's credit rating could be seriously ruined.  On the bright side, the American government was just approved for a Discover card.

According to a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. In fact, some of his wives don't even know.

Sarah Palin's documentary "The Undefeated" will soon be available on On-Demand. It's part of On-Demand's new service called "Not Remotely In Demand."  

Bristol Palin accused Michele Bachmann of dressing like her mom.  Then, she accused Michele Bachmann's husband of dressing like her mom.

According to a new survey, 40 percent of Internet users feel "lonely" when they're unable to go online. Fortunately, that loneliness disappears as soon as they go back to playing on a fake farm with people they didn't like in high school.

James Franco and his girlfriend of 5 years have broken up. Even worse, Franco told the girl he'd only been dating her as part of a 5-year performance art piece.

In Florida two women stole $400 worth of wine from a liquor store by shoving the wine up their skirts.  The wine has been recovered but the corks are still missing. 

In his speech last night, President Obama said that "compromise" has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go "compromise themselves."

The US government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicolas Cage.

Donald Trump said the GOP should let the US default in order to prevent President Obama's reelection.  Trump said, "Trust me on this, I go bankrupt all the time!"

Yesterday, 300-pound New Jersey Governor Chris Christie stated he is not running for President. Christie said he likes the president part, but not the running part.

McDonald's has added apple slices to their Happy Meals.  And, an hour later, McDonald's added cheese and beef to their apple slices.

The state of California is allowing supporters of marijuana legalization to try and put it on the ballot.  Now the only obstacle left for the pot supporters is "to remember to put it on the ballot."

An Oklahoma man appeared on Antiques Roadshow and broke the show's record with an item worth $1.5 million. The item was the state of Oklahoma.

Scientists have created a birth control pill for men. They say if it works, it could replace the old birth control for men: axe body spray.  

Kim Kardashian has been diagnosed with psoriasis.  However, her doctor assured her it won't interfere with her ability to do nothing.

The U.S. government is less than one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. Things are so bad, America may have to move in with Canada for a while.

Republican members of the House of Representatives psyched themselves up for the debt ceiling debate by watching a scene from a Ben Affleck movie.  I'm a little worried because the movie was Armageddon.

Senate leader Harry Reid has rejected the Republican debt plan, calling it "a big wet kiss to the right wing." Meanwhile, Republicans are calling the Democratic plan "A little under-the-shirt, over-the-bra action for the left wing."

Former President George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama Bin Laden next month on cable TV.  It's expected to be the highest rated episode of Cake Boss ever.

Mitt Romney said one of the people he would consider as his running mate is 300-lb. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  After hearing about it, Christie said, "That's great, but tell me more about the dinner."

In Afghanistan, plans are in the works for an Afghani version of the sitcom "The Office."  Unfortunately, they can't find a place in Afghanistan that's as depressing as Scranton.

Congressman David Wu has resigned after being accused of what are being called "unwanted sexual advances." Or as it was called in my high school, "The Conan."

It's being reported that Google and Yahoo are in serious talks to buy Hulu. I don't have a joke here, I just wanted to confuse my mother.

Doctors say that symptoms of PMS can be treated with marijuana. The news is a big relief to woman and an even bigger relief to men.

Earlier today, Alex Trebek injured his leg while chasing down a burglar.  Trebek insists at no time was he in jeopardy or double jeopardy. 

McDonald's has announced its Happy Meals will include an apple slice and half the amount of French Fries. In a related story, the Happy Meal will now just be called, "The Meal."

It's being reported that a Sex and the City prequel is in the works that follows the ladies when they were in their teens and twenties. Fans say it will be fun to see what New York was like when it was still owned by the Dutch.

Children grow up so fast. One day they’re taking their first steps, the next they’re taken away after a judge rules you’re a negligent parent.

The U.S. government is now just a few days away from running out of money to pay its bills.  Congress' latest plan is to see how much cash they can get for John McCain on "Antiques Roadshow."

33 soldiers from the Mexican army were allowed to return to Mexico yesterday after they accidentally crossed the border into America.  That's right, things have now gotten so bad in this country that people are only crossing the border now by accident.

Alex Trebek was asleep in the nude when he discovered there was a burglar in his room.   Alex, I'll take "images I can wish I could erase" for $300.

While chasing the burglar, Alex Trebek injured his Achilles' tendon.  Or as Trebek calls it, "The tendon named for this hero of Greek Mythology."

According to a recent survey, this year kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less under their pillows from the Tooth Fairy.  Wow—the economy is so bad, even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.

To be more inclusive, Facebook has added "civil union" to its relationship status updates. That's not all—next week they're adding "domestic partnership" and "Whatever the hell Michele Bachmann and her husband are up to."

According to new research, you may be at risk of bacterial infections from clothing you buy at the mall.  Experts say the store you most want to avoid is "Victoria's Really Disgusting Secret."

Britain has banned an ad featuring Julia Roberts and model Christy Turlington for being overly-airbrushed. Just to give you an idea of how overly-airbrushed it was, before they changed it, the ad featured Margaret Cho and Aretha Franklin.

Martha Stewart is currently in Haiti studying the Haitians' local handcrafts. Martha told the craft makers "It's beautiful, completely inspired, and you're doing it all wrong."

In Oregon, a woman wearing a string bikini was kicked out of Wal-Mart. But let's face it, the real story here is that a woman who shops at Wal-Mart is able to fit into a string bikini.

McCain called the Tea Party “Hobbits” & the Tea Party called McCain a “troll.” I’m finally starting to understand this debt ceiling thing.

Turns out, "Cowboys & Aliens" is NOT about Arizona’s immigration laws.

Just in case, I start every phone conversation with, “You can hang up now, Rupert Murdoch.”

The deal reached by President Obama and Congressional leaders would raise the debt ceiling until the year 2013.  But here's the best part, it prevents another Smurfs movie until the year 2014.

During the debt-ceiling debate, Nancy Pelosi said John Boehner has gone over "to the dark side."  Which for Boehner means he fell asleep in the tanning booth.

Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver called the debt-ceiling bill a "Sugar Coated Satan Sandwich."  To which a spokesman for Denny's replied: "Hey, don't drag our new sandwich into this!"

Senator John McCain said he'll vote for the debt ceiling compromise, but first he'll have to "swallow hard."  Then he asked what was so god damn funny before storming off and muttering, "I hate young people."

President Obama's birthday is this week, and he said what he wants for his birthday is a deal on the national debt. In a related story, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card.

In Austria, a new Arnold Schwarzenegger museum has opened up. Actually, two opened up, but no one knows about the second one.

Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television in October with a new show. That's right, that's how bad things are in this country—even Oprah Winfrey has run out of money.

Bill Nye the Science Guy appeared on Fox News and debated a FOX anchor on climate change.  Which probably explains his new nickname, "Bill Nye, the Communist Muslim Guy."

It's being reported that 70% of New York City restaurants got an "A" on their inspection reports.  Unfortunately, the "A" stands for, "Aaaay, is that a rat?"

The U.S. Coast Guard has found a sunken submarine filled with over seven tons of cocaine.  Sharks are calling it, "Best shark week ever!"

I can’t watch Jeopardy now that I know Alex Trebek sleeps in the nude. It’s the same reason I can’t watch those Barbara Walters specials.

Today, the President signed the Debt Ceiling Bill into law.  Democrats hate it, Republicans hate it—so I guess it can't be that bad.

Earlier today, the Senate passed the debt ceiling bill.  President Obama was relieved and said, "Now we can get back to the serious issue of whether or not I was born in this country."

The debt deal calls for the formation of a "Super Congress" to take on tougher decisions down the road.  In case you're wondering, a "Super Congress" consists of 6 Congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine.

This weekend, Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class.  In response, Michele Bachmann said, "Just for that, I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters."

Former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was released from prison today.  Kilpatrick said he spent most of his time in prison hanging out with other mayors of Detroit.

According to a new report, the world's 7th billionth person is expected to be born in India at the end of October.  And he's expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Marvel Comics has created a new Spider-Man who is half-black and half-Hispanic. His arch enemies include The Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus and The Tea Party.

In Washington, a native-American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The decision was passed down by the tribe's leader, Chief "Dances to Gaga."

Police in New Jersey arrested a Dunkin' Donuts employee for prostituting herself out to customers.  So apparently, anything with a hole is for sale at Dunkin' Donuts.

Can’t believe it’s Shark Week again. It seems like just yesterday I was taking down last year’s Shark Week decorations.

Yesterday, a man jumped the White House fence.  But after a brief chase, secret service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and continuing his term.

President Obama is the third president to turn 50 in the White House, following Theodore Roosevelt and Bill Clinton.  But still, Bill Clinton is the only president in the White House to celebrate 69.

The New York Times reports that 31 states have had to slash their arts budgets for the coming year. Particularly hard hit was South Dakota, which had to cancel its annual all-White production of "The Wiz."

The woman who attempted to rob Alex Trebek's hotel room could face 25 years in prison.  Even worse, while she waits for the judge's decision, they're going to make her listen to that Jeopardy music.

The Garmin company is now offering a new GPS device that has the voice of Yoda. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm getting turn-by-turn directions, do I really want someone who speaks backwards?

In New Jersey, a woman working at a Dunkin' Donuts was arrested for prostituting herself to customers. Her rates were $200 an hour, and an extra 50 bucks for sprinkles.

In Texas, a woman was arrested after she left her newborn with a stranger so she could audition to be a stripper. She was charged with impersonating someone from Florida.

Hugh Hefner had a picture taken of himself "planking" on a wood table, and friends who saw the photo were afraid he was dead.  Everyone else was just shocked at the sight of a Hugh Hefner photo containing wood.

Being pale in Southern California isn’t easy, which is why I appreciate the judgment-free environment at Turtleneck Beach.

The new season of Jersey Shore premieres tonight. So now America can take a break from feeling broke and concentrate on feeling ashamed.

This year's season of "Jersey Shore" takes place in Italy. Without giving away too much, I had no IDEA the Pope even had a hot tub.

A new poll shows that President Obama is losing support among voters in Florida. Which explains why this morning, the president announced that he sent Team Six out to get Casey Anthony. 

In the upcoming 2012 election, political analysts are now saying that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver President Obama the white, working class female vote.  Analysts also say Dr. Phil can help deliver the crucial fake doctor vote.

Mitt Romney has joined Rick Santorum in signing "the marriage pledge" which opposes gay marriage.  Then, while signing, something magical happened between the two of them and now, they're spending the weekend together.

The Cargill Meat Solutions Corporation announced yesterday that are recalling 35 million pounds of their ground turkey. I don't see why…Cargill Meat Solutions Corporation Ground Turkey sounds delicious!

Several Fox News hosts have criticized SpongeBob SquarePants for "pushing a global warming agenda." Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see "Dora the Explorer's" immigration papers.

In a recent interview, Octomom Nadya Suleman said, "I have zero sexual interest." Which is too bad because what's sexier than an exhausted uterus?

Supermodel Linda Evangelista is demanding $46,000 a month in child support to raise her 4-year old son. In her defense, the child does have a major coke problem.

Pink, Lady Gaga, & Katy Perry have all been nominated for a new MTV Video Music Award, "Best Music Video with a Message."  Pink's message is "Girl Power," Lady Gaga's message is "Be yourself," and Katy Perry's message is, "My Breasts are Made of Candy."

There are 81 restaurants in the world with three Michelin stars and none of them are White Castle. The system is broken.

The stock market dropped 600 points today because Standard and Poor's downgraded our credit rating from AAA to AA.  On the bright side, Pat Sajak has offered to sell us another "A" for $2 trillion.

Standard & Poor's lowered the US' credit rating for the first time ever. We're now a double A, which means no one will loan us money or go to second base with us.

China has warned the US that its days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn't tell the Chinese that last week we spent $76 million to see the Smurf movie.

Of course the really big showbiz story this weekend involved a bunch of hairy primates taking over everything with no way to stop them. But enough about the "Jersey Shore" premiere.

In a new interview, Michele Bachmann said when she met her husband she had a vision of marrying him and he had the same vision of her.  In fact, in each of their visions they were both wearing the same wedding dress.

The American Psychological Association claims that incivility in the workplace is on the rise. The findings were pointed out to me by one of my stupid employees who I'll probably fire.

Sesame Street announced that Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor will be a guest this season. This is the first time a Justice has appeared on Sesame Street since Justice Breyer ruled that Bert and Ernie could to call themselves "roommates."

A year after they were rescued, most of the Chilean miners are still unemployed.  Unfortunately, most employers are hesitant to hire them because of the giant gap in their resume.

The New York Times reports that Beatlemania has finally come to Cuba. In fact, the Cubans' favorite Beatles song is, "I Want to Leave in a Yellow Submarine."

Sixty venomous snakes were seized from a North Carolina home this weekend. Meanwhile, in snake news, there was a big party at Steve's house!

At a concert this weekend, Kanye West said that people look at him like he's Hitler.  However, historians point out that at least Hitler occasionally stopped talking.

This coming weekend, Las Vegas will host the 45th anniversary Star Trek Convention. Which explains the city's new motto, "What happens in Vegas…is probably happening for the first time."

After yesterday's 600-point drop, the stock market fell and then got back up again six times today. So basically, the stock market is acting like me after 3 Appletini's.

New reports say that President Obama's reelection team will try to portray Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney as "weird." They will also try portraying Michele Bachmann as Michele Bachmann.

Newsweek magazine is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann the "Queen of Rage." When asked for comment, Michele said, "There's only one Raging Queen in my household, and it's not me."

Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked.  The say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.

A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods.  In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.

In India, a woman with two uteruses has given birth to twins.  The twins apparently aren't getting along because they're both used to having their own room.

In Maryland, over 50 people rioted during a Little League game for 7 and 8 year olds. The riot ended with everyone lining up, high fiving each other and saying, "Good riot, good riot, good riot…."

Arnold Schwarzenegger was recently seen wearing a t-shirt that said, "I Survived Maria."  I response, Maria Shriver was spotted wearing a t-shirt that said, "I survived ‘Twins', ‘End of Days' and ‘Jingle All the Way.'"

I try to learn one new word a day and use it in a sentence. Today that word was "today."

Tonight is my 3,000th show. That means this is the three thousandth time I've said ‘We've got a great show tonight,' without really meaning it.

The other day, Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum accused Texas Governor Rick Perry of being soft on gay marriage.  In response, Perry said, "So he'd rather I be ‘hard' on gay marriage?"

With the stock market in flux, the price of gold has shot up to almost $2,000. In other words, Flavor Flav's mouth is now a millionaire.

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he has secured the endorsement of Jeb Bush Jr. Analysts say that Huntsman has all but sewn up the crucial "guy you didn't know existed" vote.

Arnold Schwarzenegger could face legal action for lighting up a cigar in an airport that bans smoking. When asked to comment, Schwarzenegger said it was nice to finally get in trouble with a different long thing he carries in his pants.

A new report shows that due to the weak economy, more Americans are cancelling their cable television. All I can say is, good luck trying to live without 8 shows about cakes.

New York City schools are now being required to teach sex-ed. It's hoped to be an improvement over the way New Yorkers currently tell their kids about sex, "Ay, I'm SCREWIN' here!"

In a new poll, the most hated Americans are Casey Anthony, The Octomom, Paris Hilton and O.J. Simpson.  So, I guess I should probably rethink my guests for next week.

The Iowa State Fair starts tomorrow, and this year marks the debut of fried butter on-a-stick.  Also debuting at the Iowa state fair, "dead fatty-on-a stretcher."

"Jersey Shore" star Snooki announced that this fall she is releasing her own fragrance.  No one had the heart to tell her she already has.

Some political analysts think that President Obama has been making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made.  In response, Obama said, "That's ridiculous, now if you'll excuse me, SpongeBob is on."

Even though he's not officially in the race yet, 15% of Republicans and Independents are leaning towards supporting Rick Perry.  Half of Perry's supporters like his conservative values and the other half think he's the lead singer from "Journey." 

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt.  Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicolas Cage.

The FCC announced that you will soon be able to send text messages to 911.  I'm sure 911 operators can't wait to get texts that say, "Being carjacked lol."

Earlier this week, Aretha Franklin got out of a parking ticket in New York by singing to a meter maid.  In a related story, Michael Bolton tried the same thing and is now serving life. 

Yesterday, Chris Brown announced the dates for his upcoming tour. He's going to hit Savannah, Charlotte and Madison, and then he's going to go on tour.

In Georgia, a stripper successfully carried out a bank robbery.  Bank employees say it's the first time they've been robbed by someone who entered the bank to the song "Cherry Pie."

An Olive Garden in North Carolina may have exposed diners to Hepatitis A. The Hepatitis A virus is the first substance ever found in an Olive Garden that's also found in Italy.

The Statue of Liberty is being closed for a year to make its interior safer and more accessible. In a related story, Paris Hilton had the same procedure last year.

The Kardashian sisters are publishing a novel based on their lives. The book is called "Sisterhood of the Extra Wide Pants."

Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian are publishing a novel based on their lives.  It's called "A Tale of Six Titties."

Betting big on tech stock. Is “America Online” a good company?

"Newsweek" apologized to Michele Bachmann for making her look crazy. Can’t wait to see this week’s cover with Gary Busey.

Mitt Romney says “Corporations are People.” So that’s why IBM keeps calling asking me to “hang out.”

Michele Bachmann took first place in the Iowa Straw Poll.  Michele says she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's "Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin" contest.

Yesterday, Tim Pawlenty announced he's dropping out of the race for president.   Pawlenty said he wanted to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is.

In his early days in the Texas State Legislature Rick Perry used to wear his jeans so tight that his nickname was "Crotch." I don't know about you, but item #77 on my bucket list is a President of the United States named "Crotch."

Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. When asked to explain himself, Hinkle said, "Well I wasn't going to marry him!"

Canada has imposed a ban on trade with North Korea.  In other words, no more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong-Il.

The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter and MySpace to catch criminals.  Criminals caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals found on MySpace will be told about Facebook.

Paula Abdul is looking for a new assistant who will constantly remind her that she is "a warrior, a survivor and a gift." In other words, her new assistant must be able to type over 50 lies a minute.

At a mall in Florida, a man was arrested for stealing a cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber.  It's the second theft linked to Justin Bieber, if you also inlcude MY HEART.

Rick Perry is a religious, right-wing conservative who’s a former pilot and the governor of Texas. Finally! One of those!

Recently, Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, "I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale." In other words, Rick Perry's idea of instilling confidence is to say, "Don't worry, I'm not as smart as George W. Bush."

In a speech yesterday, former President Bill Clinton said that Rick Perry is "a good-looking rascal."  This was part of a speech Clinton gave entitled, "I'm Looking for a New Wingman."

While on the campaign trail, Mitt Romney accidentally said he was in Iowa while he was giving a speech in New Hampshire.  Afterwards, Romney apologized and said, "I momentarily mixed up my sea of white people."

Today, Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday, even though today's the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, "My apologies to not only Elvis but the entire Costello family."

Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa straw poll, said that he's not dead yet. Then he got invited to do "Dancing with the Stars" and said, "Okay, now I'm dead."

The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today.  So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.

A new book says that during World War II Britain attempted to "lace Adolf Hitler's food with female sex hormones." Thank God it never worked, because if there's one person you don't want to see PMSing, it's Hitler.

The TSA is trying out a new screening program that replaces patdowns with seeing how passengers react to a series of questions. Unfortunately the first question is, "Wow—are those real?"

Just a reminder to check on your elderly relatives during these hot summer months. Hi Dad. There, my job’s done.

The clothing store Abercrombie and Fitch has offered to pay Jersey Shore's The Situation NOT to wear their clothes. Not only that, but Italy offered to pay Snooki to tell people she's Puerto Rican.

Yesterday, French actor Gerard Depardieu got drunk on a flight and stood and peed on the cabin floor.  A spokesperson for Air France said it was the fourth rudest thing someone did on that flight. 

President Obama is on a bus tour of the Midwest to talk about jobs, and apparently, the bus he's riding was made in Canada.  That's so unpatriotic—if he was a real American that bus would have been made in China.

In a speech today, President Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.

Michele Bachmann said that when she's president, gas prices will come down to less two dollars a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen, Bachmann said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.

At a campaign rally yesterday, Michele Bachmann told supporters she was going to play some Elvis Presley and "do some shagging." Then her husband, Marcus, said, "Let's just listen to Elvis."

Ford engineers are working on a technology to enable your car to communicate with other cars around it.  The new technology's being called a horn.

TGI Fridays reportedly did not disclose any of their nutritional information until required to by law.  A spokesperson for TGIF said, "If we did that, we'd have to change our name to "Thank God It's Type 2 Diabetes." 

Kim Kardashian has reportedly had to un-invite 50 guests to her wedding due to "space restrictions." For the same reason, Kim has also had to un-invite her ass.

Standard and Poor's just downgraded the credit rating of the city of Los Angeles from AAA to AA.  When told this alarming news, the people of LA said, "So, it's 70 degrees and we can legally buy pot."

The stock market plunged today and the price of gold is at a record high.  In fact, the price of gold is so high, today an angry mob looted Mr. T.

The CEO of Starbucks said that President Obama shouldn't be vacationing during a crisis. He said Obama should be trying to get Americans back to work so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee.

The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacations. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West and of course, George Bush would go to LegoLand.

Yesterday, a brawl broke out during a Joe Biden speech in China.  Apparently, someone was blocking the exit.

In his new memoir, Senator Joe Lieberman talks about why having sex with his wife Hadassah on the Sabbath is so important to him. It's all there in the chapter called, "You Might Want to Skip This."

French actor Gerard Depardieu has apologized for urinating on the floor of a first class cabin of an airline.  Depardieu's exact words were, "I'm sorry, I thought I was in coach."

Kim Kardashian's personal trainer says she's working out hard for her wedding and that, "There's no quit in Kim."  The trainer then said, "That is, unless, there's an LA Laker whose name is ‘Quit.'"

I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.

Look for me in a spin-off of “So You Think You Can Dance” called “So You’ve Been Stalking Cat Deeley.”

Woke up and read that Stan Lee is suing the movie "Conan" for ripping him off. Now my father is suing Stan Lee.

My goldfish is either planking or dead.

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Today might be Labor Day, but I'll always remember it as the day when Tsar Peter I of Russia imposed a tax on beards.

Summer is officially over.  It's hard to believe that in just two months this tan will fade. 

It's been reported that the Los Angeles Dodgers may be bought by Chinese investors. So good news for America – there's finally something China is not going to win at!

One of President Obama's speechwriters quit his job so he could pursue his lifelong dream of writing comedy.  So now he's a speechwriter for Michele Bachmann.

George W. Bush's niece Lauren married David Lauren and her name is now Lauren Bush-Lauren.  Afterwards , George W. Bush said he was thrilled for the bride and even more thrilled he doesn't have to learn how to spell a new name.

A new report claims the US Postal Service could go out of business this winter.  On the bright side, the Post Office won't receive the report in the mail for another two years.

Last week in Southern California, authorities discovered 250 pounds of marijuana washed up on the beach. They found it right near a group of sharks in a drum circle.

"Dancing with the Stars" contestant Chaz Bono is getting in shape for the competition by losing a pound a day.  Chaz is still trying to drop the weight he put on last year when he gained a penis.

In Washington State, a single sperm donor is believed to have fathered up to 150 children.  When asked to comment, the man said, "Hey, what can I say, it was a really good issue of Maxim."

Kirstie Alley announced she's selling her mansion in Maine.  In other words, today is the greatest day ever if you're a lobster.

After an STD scare, all Los Angeles-area porn shoots have been shut down.  A spokesperson said, "We're doing everything we can to get the industry back on its knees." 

All this week there is record heat here in California.  In fact, today on Hollywood Boulevard, the guy who plays SpongeBob took off his squarepants.

The Republican presidential candidates are having a debate today at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. It was going to be at the George W. Bush Library, but they couldn't fit all eight candidates into the "bouncy house."

People are saying Texas Governor Rick Perry is really tough because he's executed over 200 people.  And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

President Obama has moved his big speech on the economy tomorrow to just before the NFL season opener.  As a sign of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China.

In Iowa this weekend, Sarah Palin ran a half-marathon and came in second place. Of course, no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.

Yesterday, the Board of Directors at Yahoo fired their CEO, Carol Bartz. Even worse was the way Bartz found out she was fired: she did a search on the phrase, "What time should I come in tomorrow?"

The oil industry said today that, if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs.  Of course, most of those jobs would be: "cleaning oil off ducks."

The state of Maine has removed the word "squaw" from six locations after complaints that "squaw" means "whore" in some Native American dialects.  So next summer I can't wait to vacation with my family at Skank Lake.

According to a recent study, women who average 3-15 alcoholic drinks per week are healthier than women who are completely sober. The study was published in this month issue of "Things Lindsay Lohan Tells Her Parole Officer."

Anthropologists are now saying that ancient homo sapiens had sex with Neanderthals.  So apparently, early man invented fire, the wheel and beer goggles.

A bank robber in Brooklyn was arrested after he updated his Facebook status to "Crime pays my bills!"  Now that he's in prison, the man's Facebook page says, "Can't stop getting poked."

Freud said "Love & work are the cornerstones of our humanness." I say it's love and that show "Pawn Stars."

Some conservative columnists are saying that last night's debate moderator Brian Williams projected "a liberal bias."  For example, Williams introduced the candidates by saying, "Please welcome, eight douchebags." 

Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He said he also understands terrorism because he watched all eight seasons of "24."

During the debate, ultra Conservative Rick Santorum said, "I'm the son of an Italian immigrant." Immediately after making the comment, Santorum had his Dad deported.

In San Jose, three female baristas have been cited for working topless.  According to witnesses, two of the baristas were grande and one was venti.

Ben & Jerry's has introduced a new flavor called "Schweddy Balls" based on a Saturday Night Live sketch. They're hoping it will be a better seller than last year's "Dick-in-a-Box Crunch."

In a new speech about his jobs plan, President Obama described himself as an "eternal optimist." He then explained, "I'm the kind of person who sees the country as half-employed."

Last week in Michigan a man wearing a President Obama mask robbed a bank.  Either that or President Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.

Earlier today, former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney calling him a "bedrock conservative." After hearing this, John McCain said, "Hey, I grew up in Bedrock, I don't remember seeing him there."

It's being reported that Texas Governor Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school.  Actually, at the time there was another boy who liked her too, but 9-year-old Rick Perry had him executed.

A new study shows that the cartoon "Spongebob Squarepants" causes learning problems in four-year-olds.  It also convinces four-year-olds that all sponges wear pants and are kinda gay.

"Watson," the supercomputer from "Jeopardy," is now working at an insurance company.  Unfortunately, Watson was just fired after repeatedly saying to a female co-worker, "What is ‘Your boobs and my face right now?'"

Amazon.com is rumored to be working on what they describe as Netflix for books—where you can pick a book from their collection, read it, and then return it. Amazon said they are going to call this amazing service "the library."

In England, a dominatrix is saying that a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and flosses you.

A movie about a monster who's half-man, half-alligator opened this weekend. It's called "The Steven Tyler Story."

In Florida, a man is having his bar mitzvah at the age of 82. He says he hopes it goes better than the circumcision he had at 70.

In a recent interview, Justin Bieber said he definitely wants to be married by the time he's 25. All I can say is, Justin, I'll wait as long as it takes.

I think Newt Gingrich is the #1 presidential candidate in the “Could be Related to Bilbo Baggins” category.

At the debate, CNN gave each candidate a nickname—Michele Bachmann was "The Firebrand" and Rick Perry was the "The Newcomer." Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich was, "The Guy Who Ate All the Snacks in the Green Room."

When asked what he would bring to the White House, Rick Perry said "The most beautiful, most thoughtful, incredible first lady the nation has ever seen." Then he handed a rose to Wolf Blitzer.

At last night's GOP debate, some Tea Party members cheered at the idea of a sick, uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from "Toddlers & Tiaras."

According to a new study, a man's testosterone level drops after his wife has a baby. However, his testosterone level returns to normal the second his wife hires a 23-year-old nanny.

The US Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980.  Unfortunately, so are most Americans.

A South Carolina man was arrested for sneaking a taser gun into the Cowboys-Jets game and using it on somebody. The man was arrested and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders.

In a new interview, Justin Bieber revealed he wears women's jeans.  When asked why, Bieber said, "What else would you wear over women's underwear?"

Earlier today, Kirstie Alley was a runway model in a New York fashion show.  Kirstie wore a blue gown and a blue hat as part of an ensemble called, "The Pacific Ocean."

President Obama's re-election campaign has launched a new contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the President. Or if you come in second, "A mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden."

Mitt Romney's campaign is offering people a chance to win a day with Mitt Romney.  It's called "Vote For Mitt Romney or Else You'll Have to Spend a Day with Mitt Romney."

Yesterday on "The View," Dick Cheney said he doesn't have a problem with gay marriage. Then he brought out Donald Rumsfeld and made a very special announcement.  

A controversial new book claims that Sarah Palin once had a one night stand with African-American NBA player Glen Rice.   People in Alaska were shocked and asked, "What's an African-American?"

Today, Scarlett Johansson contacted the FBI after several naked pictures of her were hacked from her phone.  The FBI said they are determined to find the hacker and even more determined to find the pictures. 

A company in Denmark has released a new solid gold cell phone that costs over $57,000. They say it's the coolest phone you'll ever drop in your toilet.

The government announced it will step up its testing of beef thought to contain E. Coli. They're going to start their search with Taco Bell's all new "E. Colito Grande."

Under a law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the state of CA could soon be releasing thousands of female inmates.  Arnold is a genius—now thousands of women who haven't been with a man in years feel like they owe Schwarzenegger a favor.

In a recent interview, Justin Bieber says he wants to have babies in a few years.  Then someone explained to him, he's not really a woman, he just looks like one.

The man who made the documentary "Biggie and Tupac" has released a new film about Sarah Palin.  Apparently, the Palin documentary is similar to the Biggie and Tupac documentary but with more guns.

Facebook just announced that they've appointed a new director of privacy. His name is Dave Jenkins, he lives at 17 Oakwood Lane and his pin number is 3153.

A new study shows that children as young as three years old can exhibit signs that they are gay. For instance, your baby is definitely gay if his first word is "Gaga."

During Fashion Week in New York, Lady Gaga had a serious wardrobe malfunction.  That's right—Gaga was caught in a blouse, skirt and hat made from simple fabric.

This week at the Miss Universe pageant, a contestant was asked what she would do to prevent a war.  The contestant said she would use diplomacy, economic sanctions and walking back and forth in a bathing suit.

NASCAR is trying some new initiatives to "go green," including planting trees and using ethanol fuel. And most controversial—the idea of having all the NASCAR drivers carpool.

A former model for "The Price is Right" is suing the show for sexual harassment.  After hearing she's demanding 10 million dollars, "The Price is Right" said, "Sorry, the exact retail price of sexual harassment is 8.5 million dollars."

At a high school football game in Ohio last week, Catholic school students taunted their opponents by chanting, "We've got Jesus!" There was an awkward moment when Jesus said, "Yeah, but I've got 50 bucks on the other team."

A new book claims Sarah Palin had sex with NBA star Glen Rice. That’s where she got the phrase, “Drill, Baby, Drill.”

California may be releasing thousands of female inmates. Who will write me letters now?

The Emmy's were last night.  It was the first time the host was a tall charming lesbian since 2006 when I hosted.

Tomorrow the U.S. military will formally end its policy of "Don't Ask Don't Tell." And Wednesday, the Air Force Paratroopers begin "Operation ‘It's Raining Men.'"

President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the "Buffett Rule." At first Newt Gingrich was for it, because he thought it was the "buffet rule."

First Lady Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent.  They took the First Lady's advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody who works at the Olive Garden.

South Africa has decided not to buy 11 million Chinese condoms because they are too small. Which explains why China is now marketing the tiny condoms as "Smurf ponchos."

The world's largest sperm bank is no longer accepting donations from men with red hair because of low demand.  As a result, this week, my neighborhood's Salvation Army is going to get a very interesting donation.

Sperm banks are no longer accepting donations from red haired men.  I don't understand.  What are people seeing night after night that's making red heads so unpopular?

Sometimes I get my kids to stop misbehaving by telling them the Rick Perry under their beds will execute them.

It's official, as of today, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is no longer in effect.  For our military personnel, just a reminder, "Glee" comes on at 2100 hours.

So now gays can openly serve in the military.  I'd like to advise our enemies around the world to put down their arms because we will slap a bitch.

Today, former President Bill Clinton revealed that he turned down an invitation to join "Dancing with the Stars."  Clinton said he wanted to keep himself available for "The Bachelorette."

Yesterday, Chaz Bono was spotted on the set of "Dancing with the Stars" without his shirt on.  There were no survivors.

Last night, Ashton Kutcher made his debut on "Two and a Half Men" playing a billionaire with a huge penis.  In fact, his penis is so big, it's now considered "the half man."

In a new survey, 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy.  So mystery solved—God is Chinese.

Twenty-two people were awarded the MacArthur Genius Grant today. Among the geniuses were a scientist, an educator, and a guy who got out of the stock market three years ago.

Last night on a flight to San Francisco, a woman gave birth. The airline said that the mother and her new $40 carry-on are doing just fine.

In Georgia, a man stole a car because he didn't feel like walking to a fast food restaurant. He's being charged with "Everything That's Wrong with America."

According to a new worldwide sex survey, on any given day, 400 million people have sex.  Which works out to 200 million male orgasms and 5 female.

Now that Don't Ask Don't Tell has been repealed, The Marines said they want to recruit the most gay soldiers of any branch of the military. When the Navy heard this, they said, "Oh, bitch, it is on."

It was reported today that reading scores on the SATs have reached all-time low. Or as the headline put it, "SATs Be Most Baddest."

Los Angeles County is ranked #1 in the nation when it comes to chlamydia. However, that ranking drops to #9 whenever the Lakers are on the road.

The Tea Party is forming its own debt "super committee" that will meet this week at a Florida Denny's. Trust me, you don't want to be the waiter who has to add the tax to their check.

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is upset because when you Google his last name, the search results include a gay sex act.  Santorum's mad because he doesn't want to end up like 2008 presidential candidate, "Rusty Trombone."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to take away a tax break that the state gives to the TV show "Jersey Shore."  After hearing this, Snooki said, "It's official, now I've been screwed by every guy in New Jersey."

Facebook has been redesigned and it now contains a real-time news ticker.  Every update says, "Breaking News: You're screwing around at work."

Forbes Magazine has come out with its list of the richest people in America and one of them is the CEO of Starbucks.  His secret: he doesn't buy his coffee from Starbucks.

In a new interview, Barry Manilow said that young musicians don't write quality music.  Then he said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sing my classic, ‘I'm sad when you're sad and I'm glad when you're glad.'"

Scientists have discovered a squid that lives in the Pacific Ocean and has no discernable sexuality.  Not much is known about the squid, except that it's pulling for Chaz Bono to win "Dancing with the Stars."

In Missouri, a boy brought a crack pipe into kindergarten for show and tell. The class has not had a naptime since.

The world's largest sperm bank announced they are no longer accepting donations from men with red hair.  The upside is, now I have my weekends back.

This October's issue of “Playboy” will only cost customers 60 cents. So for the price of a cup of coffee, you could help feed a naked woman.

Today, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was giving a speech at the U.N. and a lot of delegates walked out in protest.  Which is a shame, because they walked out just before Ahmadinejad really went off on Netflix.

Yesterday, President Obama welcomed back the two hikers who had been held captive in Iran.  The President's exact words were, "Great—two more Americans who need jobs."

Today, President Obama is visiting the hometown of House Speaker John Boehner. Obama plans to give a speech and then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced that he's going to be publishing a memoir next year. It will be available in hardcover, paperback, and a book-on-tape that's impossible to understand.

The Tea Party has formed a "debt supercommittee" that will meet this week at a Florida Denny's. It will be the first time in history anyone at a Denny's has expressed an interest in trimming fat.

The FBI is looking into reports that someone has been vandalizing the airplanes for Southwest Airlines.  Apparently, they've been sneaking onto the planes when no one is looking and making them comfortable.

In a new book, Julian Assange, the founder of Wikileaks, is quoted as saying, "I may be a chauvinist pig, but I'm no rapist." Which, by the way, is officially the worst pick-up line ever.

The season premiere of "Glee" was on Tuesday and viewership dropped this year by 35%.  Apparently, a large number of Glee viewers were offended by the episode's controversial "male-female kiss."

A 98 year old man is being called "The World's Oldest Stoner" because he started smoking marijuana in 1936.  You can tell he's smoked pot for a long time because his bumper sticker reads, "Tell me About My Grandchildren."

In Missouri, a Taco Bell employee forgot to give a customer his hot sauce so the customer threatened him with a shotgun.  Afterwards, the employee said, "That's nothing, once I had a customer point his ass at me."

The Latin Grammys were just announced. I can’t believe I was overlooked for my solo album, “El Hombre Muy Blanco.”

"Glee" premiered last week and its viewership dropped by 35%.  Of course viewership is down because last week most "Glee" fans were finally able to join the military.

According to a report, Kate Middleton is taking a class in how to act more like a queen.  The class is being taught by Sir Elton John.

According to the Red Cross, obese people now outnumber the hungry. When told this, obese people said, "Hey, we're hungry too."

A transgender California inmate has lost a legal battle to use tax-payer money for a sex-change operation.  The man is disappointed and his cellmate is inconsolable. 

It's being reported that several fire trucks from the Los Angeles Fire Department were used in porn shoots. Authorities say they know they were used in porn shoots, because now their hoses burn when they spray.

It's being reported that astronaut Buzz Aldrin has a new girlfriend who is 30 years younger than he is.  When asked about it, Aldrin said, "What can I say I like Tang."

President Obama has been here in LA the past two days and he held up traffic everywhere—this morning it took me two hours to get to work.  Of course, I ride a little girl's bicycle.

Yesterday in Los Angeles, President Obama was heckled by someone who shouted "Don't forget medical marijuana!"  So far, the Secret Service has narrowed its list of suspects to "everyone in Los Angeles."

A woman was kicked off a Southwest airlines flight for kissing her female partner.  A spokesperson for Southwest said, "That's not true, we kicked them off because they stopped."

On last night's "Dancing with the Stars," Nancy Grace accidentally revealed her nipple. Even more embarrassing, the sight of it gave Chaz Bono his first erection.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for the reality show "Jersey Shore." The veto made Snooki so angry, she turned orange-red.

Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, "Sorry you lost your job." The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your Congressman.

The man who created Doritos passed away at the age of 97. The funeral will be cool ranch style.

In France, there's a smartphone app that will tell you if your son is gay. Apparently, over there, it's hard to tell if a guy is gay or just from France.

Starbucks has teamed up with a designer to make a t-shirt that looks like it was stained with Starbucks coffee. It's the same designer who made last year's bestselling "Taco Bell Underpants."

The "Octomom" is selling her home. It comes with 14 bedrooms, 9 baths, all-new appliances, and a walk-in uterus.

The Jewish New Year began today at sundown. Which means tonight's show was written entirely by me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently commissioned three statues of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Which is weird, because I thought he had a much more fun way of making duplicates of himself.

President Obama has invited the 1985 Chicago Bears to the White House.  He's asked them to bring a 1985 game ball, their 1985 uniforms, and the 1985 economy.

The Obama Administration has decided that the photos of Osama bin Laden taken after his death must be kept from public view.  Then they said the same thing about Nancy Grace's "nip-slip" on "Dancing with the Stars."

Marcus Bachmann wrote an open letter to conservatives describing his wife Michele as "rock solid." Probably not helping was that he then wrote, "As rock solid as Taylor Lautner's yummy abs."

A recent study shows that a typical voting machine can be hacked by anyone with an 8th grade science education.  So the good news is, no one in America will be hacking our voting machines.

Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, "Sorry you lost your job." Even more depressing, the cards are made in China.

Reebok has agreed to pay customers $25 million over false claims that its "EasyTone" shoes would strengthen your buttocks. Reebok is also facing similar charges over its "HugePenis" shoelaces.

It's the Jewish New Year—according to the Jewish calendar it is 5772. I can always remember the Jewish New Year—I just take Larry King's age and subtract 3 from it.

The Obama campaign is offering people a chance to win a dinner with President Obama for $3. This might explain Obama's new campaign slogan "Hey, I'm cheaper than Arby's."

Yesterday, an envelope with a mysterious white powder was discovered near the set of "Dancing with the Stars."  Authorities say it was the most suspicious package seen at "Dancing with the Stars" since Chaz Bono wore tight jeans.

A group of prominent Republicans is trying to recruit 300-pound Governor Chris Christie for the presidential race. Meanwhile, a group of TV producers is trying to recruit him for TLC's "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

Michele Bachmann told students that it's okay to settle for cake batter if the local yogurt shop is out of cookies and cream. It was in response to the question—"Can you give us a food-based metaphor that explains your marriage?"

Recently, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg went hunting and he shot and killed a bison.  And just as he pulled the trigger he whispered, "Consider yourself…defriended."

A group of unpaid interns are suing a film company for not teaching them anything.  The film company says they did teach them something—that show business is about screwing people over.

There's a new kind of yoga class that teaches women to have orgasms without touching themselves. The technique involves relaxing your muscles, breathing correctly and having sex with your Yoga instructor.

When I die, I just want my tombstone to read “George Clooney.” That ought to pull in some visitors.

I look forward to having grandkids, so I can share my wisdom. Mostly wisdom about Angry Birds, Angry Birds Rio and Angry Birds Seasons.

Ah, autumn in LA, when the stagehands spray the leaves such pretty colors.

They say if you love something, set it free. So I just set free my collection of Korean pornography.

Excited for the "Breaking Bad" season finale tonight. My prediction: Something will not go as planned and meth will be involved.

The iPhone 4S doesn't come out until Friday but the pre-orders of the new iPhone have broken the company's previous record.  The most exciting thing about the iPhone 4S is a new app that automatically pre-orders the iPhone 5.

An Apple store in London was robbed by a biker gang. This settles the age-old question: who would win in a fight—a biker gang or the guys that work at the genius bar?

Yesterday, Pizza Mogul Herman Cain compared his run for President to Moses leading his people out of Egypt.  Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead people out of the desert but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.

This weekend, Michele Bachmann told voters in New Hampshire, "I want to be your sweetheart." And today Bachmann told Iowa they could get to second base with her in the back of her Dad's Buick.

This past weekend, California had its first medical marijuana job fair.  Over 2 million people meant to show up. 

Due to the lockout, the first two weeks of the NBA season might be canceled.  On the bright side, the Clippers say this will not affect their attendance. 

A new study shows that most young people think that the Christian church is "unfriendly." The study also found that young people think the Catholic Church is "a little bit too friendly."

New research shows that tanning beds are even more dangerous than previously thought.  Especially if Snooki used it right before you. 

Two of the top Halloween costumes this year are Katy Perry and Snooki. Of course, the Katy Perry costume is just two Snooki costumes stuffed down your shirt.

Yesterday, a woman gave birth after running the Chicago Marathon. Immediately after the race, the baby was disqualified for cheating.

According to a new report, one in ten Europeans were conceived in an IKEA bed.  Isn't that amazing, someone who bought furniture at IKEA was able to screw something correctly.

Today is National Coming Out Day. So I'd like to take this opportunity to finally stop hiding the truth and say, "Mom and Dad—my brother Patrick is gay."

Ten percent of all parents regret the name they gave their baby. Especially those who named it Qwikster.

New reports say that Beyoncé is due to give birth in February. Or as Beyoncé put it, "My new single drops in early 2012."

During a recent interview, Herman Cain said he wants people to know there is more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He then said, "There's also a few napkins and some crazy bread."

Yesterday, former Republican presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty said he regrets quitting the race as early as he did.  He said when he runs again in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, "Tim Pawlenty: This Time I'll Quit Later!"

Earlier today, Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable ladies' glasses.

At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, an 8 year old boy asked Mitt Romney to explain his views on abortion.  Mitt says he didn't believe in abortion, except in the cases of rape, incest, and kids who ask really annoying questions.

Last night on "Dancing with the Stars," Cher started crying uncontrollably when her son Chaz came on stage.  Cher was overheard saying, "My little girl's all grown-up and has a penis."

At a California county fair, a 91-year-old grandmother celebrated her birthday by bungee-jumping. The grandmother said she wasn't scared because down at the bottom, ready to break her fall, were her breasts.

Last night, Rick Perry said that America's Revolutionary War was fought in the 16th century. When told it was fought in the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, "Look, I never said I was a geology major."

At last night's debate, candidates were seated at the table based on how well they've been doing in the polls.  So, Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny's down the street.

In a new interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said that she sneaks out of the White House "as much as possible."  After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Damn, she found my tunnel!" 

According to a new survey, ten percent of all parents regret the name they gave their baby. Well, I for one have no regrets about my two little angels, Kanye and Snooki.

On Monday, Brian Williams said that if he were to ever leave his wife for a man, that man would be Bruce Springsteen.  Which I have to say, is a really weird way to start the Nightly News. 

A medical company claims to have created a blood test that can tell you when you will die.  And the worst part is, it tells you in the voice of Elmo.

A Christian group is promoting what they say is a "Godly alternative to Halloween" and they're calling it "Jesus Ween." Meanwhile, the children in this Christian group are calling it "Bullshit."

The FBI has arrested the man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson's phone and published nude photos of her online.   The man faces up to 3 to 5 years in prison, unless he can hack into Megan Fox's phone.

According to new research, sex can trigger temporary amnesia. When she heard this, Paris Hilton said, "Who am I and how did I get under this guy?"

I hope this doesn’t sound creepy, but I have to admit the new Volkswagon Beetle has a really nice ass.

According to the latest polls, Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney.  Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.

Hulk Hogan says he no longer supports President Obama.  The President is not worried because he still has the support of the Iron Sheik and Triple H. 

Yesterday, during a speech in New Hampshire, Michele Bachmann was heckled with profanity. Some of the filthy words Bachmann had to endure included "homosexuality," "taxes," and "science."

The man accused of leaking nude photos of Scarlett Johansson could face up to 121 years in prison.  The man was in court today where he pled, "Totally worth it."

This morning on the "Today" show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne.  Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate, Jenna accidentally called him, "Dad."

The CEO of the company that makes the Blackberry has apologized for yesterday's outages.  He apologized in an email that ended with, "Sent from my iPhone." 

A woman is suing a sex toy company because she got hurt by one of their vibrators.  Apparently, it didn't call her the next day.

It's being reported today that one of the most pirated movies of all time is "The Hangover."  It's been stolen by over a million people and by whoever wrote "The Hangover 2."

Yesterday, a 76-year old New York woman fell down a well and was saved by her 70-year old neighbor. So, sounds like they've started shooting "Sex and The City 3."

My kids asked me what the Wall Street protestors were angry about, & I told them it was the crappy Father’s Day gift they gave me last year.

According to new research, too much sex can cause temporary amnesia. Finally, something that explains my photographic memory.

Over the weekend, someone replaced the videos on Sesame Street's YouTube page with hardcore porn. Sesame Street said the videos were dirty, offensive, and a little TOO much about sharing.

Telemundo will host its first ever Republican Presidential Debate.  The Republican candidates will take questions from Telemundo journalists and then have them deported.

Herman Cain said it was sign that he should run for President when, after a surgery, his scar was in the shape of the letter "J"—for Jesus. When asked for comment, Jesus said, "Actually, the ‘J' is for "Just stick to making pizza."

Recently, Herman Cain got the crowd going when he was introduced as "The Hermanator." Then Jon Huntsman got the crowd going when he was introduced as "Not Jon Huntsman." 

It's been reported that the Occupy Wall Street movement has raised more than $300,000.  Which means, technically, now they have to protest themselves.

Occupy Wall Street has inspired an "I'm Getting Arrested" app that can automatically notify legal counsel. So far, the app has been used by forty protesters and two Lohans.

The preacher who falsely predicted the end of the world back in May now says the end of the world will be this Friday. His wife is starting to think he just doesn't want to clean out the garage.

At the World Scrabble Championships, one player accused another player of hiding a tile and demanded he be strip-searched.  It was a historic moment because it was the first time a Scrabble champion has seen a naked body.

At a high school in Texas, a male cheerleader was kicked off the team for kissing another boy. The teen explained the kiss to his principal by saying, "I'm a male cheerleader." 

Over the weekend, the man who designed the Facebook "like" button got married.  Then he spent his wedding night looking for his wife's "like" button.

Yesterday in Virginia, President Obama's teleprompter was stolen.  Police are on the look-out for a thief who is eloquent and spreading a message of hope.

Yesterday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made an unannounced visit to Libya.  When told the news, Bill Clinton said, "There's nothing more terrifying than Hillary's unannounced visits."

Herman Cain said that America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says, "It's a great idea ‘cause if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans!"

The Republican candidates debated in Las Vegas tonight. Michele Bachmann said she hadn't been to Vegas since her husband Marcus did a show there with white tigers.

Ford is installing a new feature in their cars which reads text messages out loud to the driver. This amazing new feature is called a "passenger." 

A taxidermist in England said that for the past 30 years, he's only eaten road kill.  People are calling it the least popular Match.com profile ever.

Yesterday, Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino reportedly got kicked out of an Apple Store.  It's hard to believe he couldn't just blend in at the genius bar.

In Michigan, a man was too drunk to drive so he had his 9-year-old daughter drive their van for him.  As he was being arrested he told the girl, "I'm gonna need a lawyer – go get your little brother!"

A publisher just asked me to write my autobiography, but they want it to be about Johnny Depp.

KFC has just introduced the new Cheesy Bacon Bowl, which is filled with mashed potatoes, cheese, gravy, chicken, and bacon. The Bowl sells for $3.99, contains 700 calories, and is now the Republican frontrunner for President.

During last night's Republican debate in Las Vegas there was a big clash between Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, and Rick Perry. Observers called it "the least sexy three-way in the history of Las Vegas."

At one point during the debate, Mitt Romney put his hand on Rick Perry's shoulder and said "I'm speaking." Later, he put his hand on Newt Gingrich's chest and said, "Are those real?"

In a new interview, Michelle Obama said her daughters watch "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" but that the President doesn't approve.  Obama said, "If I want to see a giant ass who doesn't do anything, I'll have lunch with Joe Biden."

Earlier this week, a protestor at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend.  His exact words were, "Will you occupy my parent's basement with me until I get a job?"

Yesterday in California, Riverside County banned sex-offenders from participating in Halloween.  So everyone relax because if there's one thing sex offenders are good at, it's following the rules.

There's a new smart phone app that can help you determine if someone is cheating on you. The app is called, "Craig's List."

This Friday, "The Three Musketeers" opens.  I'm not talking about the movie, I'm talking about the giant candy bar in Kirstie Alley's purse. 

Those who forget the bad historical movies of the past are doomed to remake them.

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is dead.  Even more shocking, he was killed by an escaped Tiger from Ohio.

Libyan Dictator Moammar Gadhafi has been killed. So between Osama Bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi, I'm starting to think what President Obama's going to be remembered for isn't "health care."

ABC News reports that Gaddafi had a crush on former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and even owned a photo album devoted exclusively to her.  Rice told him she was flattered but she's still trying to work things out with Kim Jong Il. 

Last night's World Series opener was one of the least watched in TV history.  So tonight, to improve ratings, both teams have agreed to play football.

Herman Cain said that, of his rivals, he has the greatest admiration for Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. The former pizza executive said he respects Mitt Romney as a businessman and Newt Gingrich as a customer.

The stolen truck carrying President Obama's Teleprompters has been recovered, but one of the teleprompters is still missing.   Meanwhile, Joe Biden's teleprompter has taken its own life.

This Halloween, some parents will be able to use apps to keep track of where their children are.  Experts are calling it a huge breakthrough for crappy parents.

Archaeologists have found a 2,600-year-old engraved tablet of a mother giving birth. It shows the mother, the father, and some people wondering who the creepy engraver with the tablet is.

In Pennsylvania, five people were stabbed at a "Welcome Home from Jail" party.  So I guess the lesson here is, when a convicted felon's coming home from jail, maybe jumping out and yelling surprise isn't the best idea.

A new study claims that women are more likely to have casual sex with a famous person than with a stranger. The study is published in this month's edition of "Hi, I'm Conan" magazine.

Just learned that my name spelled backwards is Nanoc, the Eskimo word for “tall redhead who spells his name backwards”.

McDonald's just announced that all its US locations will sell the McRib sandwich only until November 14th.  So, unfortunately, it looks I'll have to cook for Thanksgiving after all.

The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days, "hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta."  In other words, Gaddafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college.

It's been found that a sitcom from the 1980's accurately guessed the year of Gaddafi's death.  So, now the only question is: who tipped off Mr. Belvedere?

On Friday, the Occupy Wall Street protesters were joined by 92-year-old folk legend Pete Seeger. Things got a little awkward when the protesters shouted, "What do we want?" and Pete answered, "To pee very badly."

A protester at Occupy Wall Street claims he lost his virginity at the protests. Unfortunately, he lost it to a giant papier-mâché banker puppet.

Federal authorities raided a Denny's restaurant to recover a stolen piece of moon rock. The story was reported in this morning's issue of "The New York Times on LSD."

A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards, two guys in Obama masks came and bailed the bank out.

President Obama was back in Los Angeles today, where he will appear on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno."  Obama is appearing with Jay Leno to highlight the one job that was saved during his administration.

The Libyans have buried Moammar Gadhafi at a secret undisclosed location.  In other words, it's going to be the best season of the Amazing Race yet. 

An Australian man was arrested for mooning Queen Elizabeth II. When asked for comment, the Queen described what she saw as, "Rude, inappropriate, and crazy­-tight."

The five staffers who quit Michele Bachmann's campaign said they did so because she treated them as "second-class citizens." However, Bachmann says, "That's not true. At no time did I treat them like gays or Latinos."

Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they will take part in a series of Abraham Lincoln-Stephen Douglas style debates.  Actually, the only similarity to the Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television.

The United Nations is calling on governments to provide broadband internet to half the world's poor by the year 2015. It's a noble project called, "Porn Without Borders."

According to a new study, having a medical marijuana facility in the neighborhood does not lead to an increase in crime. That is, unless you consider it a crime to watch 13 straight hours of "Saved by the Bell."

In Michigan, an 87 year old man was arrested after police searched his car and found 228 pounds of cocaine. Police became suspicious when they pulled him over and he REALLY wouldn't stop talking about his grandchildren.

On last night's "Dancing with the Stars," Chaz Bono came in last place. Judges said he danced so badly "it was like he had a third leg."

Gadhafi may have been worth 200 billion dollars when he was killed. Even more tragic, he was just two days away from retirement.

Chaz Bono was voted off "Dancing with the Stars" and afterwards Chaz said he appeared on the program to show America, "a different kind of man." Because if there's one thing America's never seen before, it's a white guy who can't dance.

President Obama said the 2012 election is "not going to be as sexy" as the previous election.  That was before Herman Cain unveiled his new plan, 69-9-9.

In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the Presidential Debates.  Perry said, "I'm not one of those word talkers."

Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery.

A new study found that smoking marijuana can impair your ability to find your way through a maze.  And by "maze," I mean "the cookie aisle in the supermarket."

Yesterday, Jessica Simpson tweeted a picture of herself sitting on the toilet. The tweet was aimed at critics who say Simpson hasn't produced anything in months.

In Denver, a seven year old boy tried to join the Girl Scouts. When asked why, the boy said, "One word: chicks."

On yesterday's episode of "The View" Whoopi Goldberg told the audience that she travels with her vibrator. This was in response to Barbara Walters asking her, "What's in the cello case?"

One of the most popular costumes this Halloween is the "Snooki" costume.  It's easy to make: you just dress up as an orange pumpkin and pass out in a men's room.

The United States has been using Twitter to help fight the Taliban.  The theory is the Taliban will surrender if they read enough tweets from Kanye West.

"Seinfeld" star Jason Alexander is in Israel as part of an initiative to promote Mideast peace. In a related story, "Friends" star Matt LeBlanc is in Brussels trying to prop up the troubled Euro.

Some of the top baby names currently are from literature such as Gatsby, Atticus and Holden.  The least popular literary name is "That Pig from Charlotte's Web."

Earlier this week, Justin Bieber adopted a dog.  The adorable poodle who was just recently potty trained said he loves having a dog.

The President of J.Crew is reportedly leaving her husband for another woman.  In a related story, this fall, flannel shirts are in.

The name of Nokia's new smartphone, "Lumia," is also a Spanish word for "prostitute." Which explains why it costs 50 bucks every time you put the Lumia on vibrate.

I am not doing well at Fantasy Football, mainly because my starting quarterback is Patricia Heaton.

Happy Halloween everybody. I see a lot of Conan Costumes. Hey, at least you can take yours off.

I can't tell you how much I miss New York City—I live in LA now and it's not the same.  I actually had to hire someone to tell me to "go F- myself." Thank you, Andy.

TBS went a little crazy advertising my week in New York City—I hope you don't mind seeing my face on all the bus stops. I can assure you, the penises weren't there when we put them up.

Gay marriage is now legal in New York.  If that had been the case a few years ago, Andy and I would never have left.

Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain is having to respond to claims that he once sexually harassed women.  Apparently, a German woman kept telling Cain, "Nine-Nine-Nine."

I was going to go trick-or-treating last night, but I couldn't decide which costume to wear. It was either "Harry Potter" or "Slutty Wolf Blitzer."

The New York City Department of Health now has issued grades to all of its restaurants based on cleanliness. The grades are A, B, C, and White Castle.

Today, Nissan unveiled the "New York Taxi of the Future."  Some of its amazing technological advances include heated seats, reduced emissions, and a willingness to go to Brooklyn.

President Obama just had a physical exam and his doctor said Obama is "physically active, eats a healthy diet, and stays at a healthy weight."  So now I'm starting to doubt whether Obama was born in this country.

New York means a lot to me— I lost my virginity in New York.  It was during my third year of marriage.

I just learned you can no longer drive through Times Square.  I've also learned you can longer assume any woman in Times Square is a prostitute. My apologies to that librarian from Akron, Ohio.

The Statue of Liberty just turned 125.  When France first gave her to us, Mayor Bloomberg was only in his second term.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to extend the 7 train into New Jersey. When asked what's wrong with the Lincoln tunnel, Christie said, "You try squeezing through that thing!"

The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of home runs they hit.  I'm sorry, call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?

Now Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage.  She said, "It's clear to me we should have gone the traditional route and released a sex tape first."

A California woman is suing Justin Bieber because she claims that he is the father of her three-month-old lovechild.  People who've seen the baby say he looks exactly like Justin, except older.

The woman who claims Justin Bieber fathered her lovechild says they had sex in a bathroom. Meanwhile Justin is saying he didn't know they had sex, he just thought the babysitter gave him a really good bath. 

There's going to be a same sex marriage on the show tonight.  When I told my parents we were having a gay marriage on the show my dad said, "I knew it!"

Got in a fight about the Treaty of Versailles. I said the German fines were too punitive; the guy at Starbucks said buy something or leave.

Yesterday, a man from Kenya won the New York City Marathon. This was a huge upset, because everyone thought a different man from Kenya would win the New York City Marathon.

Herman Cain's fourth female accuser held a news conference today where she claimed he offered her a job in exchange for sexual favors. Say what you want about the guy—at least he's got a plan to put people back to work.

Over the weekend, Herman Cain told reporters, "When people get on the Cain train, they don't get off."  After hearing this, everyone in America sued Herman Cain for sexual harassment.

The woman who claims Justin Bieber fathered her lovechild says they had sex on a "shelf" in a bathroom at the Staples Center.  After hearing this, every one of the Lakers said, "Oh, I know that shelf."

Lady Gaga is getting her own TV special called "A Very Gaga Thanksgiving." In it, Lady Gaga will sit down to a big Thanksgiving feast and offer thanks for "this food we wear."

The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. They are going to split them up by giving the penguins just one ticket to go see "Mamma Mia."

Some high school sex ed classes are now going to include the topic of bestiality.  In fact, one student has already told his teacher, "My dog ate my homework and that's not all."

With all this negative attention on Herman Cain right now, I’ll bet Little Caesar is grabbing boobs like there’s no tomorrow.

Tonight is our one year anniversary at TBS.  So tonight, we're going to do something we've never done before—tonight we're going to try.

Mitt Romney called the sexual harassment charges against Republican frontrunner Herman Cain "disturbing." Then he said, "And by ‘disturbing,' I mean ‘awesome.'"  

According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, "Because we're still getting used to having a Muslim president."

Michele Bachmann says she would add three more faces to Mount Rushmore. The three faces are 1) Ronald Reagan, 2) Calvin Coolidge and 3) that face her husband Marcus makes when he sees her naked. 

It's been announced that Oprah Winfrey is going to receive an honorary Oscar.  The award is in the category of "Oprah Winfrey Called and Decided She Wants an Oscar."

A European airline wants to offer pornography during their flights.  It'll be the only airline where you hope the guy behind you is just kicking your seat.

In North America yesterday, for a few seconds, the entire internet went down. Or, as it's known in my house, "The Day I Spoke to my Wife."

Welcome to the second season of our show.  I don't want to give anything away, but this is the season where Andy gets pregnant.

Two of Herman Cain's accusers may now hold a joint press conference.  After hearing about it, Herman Cain said, "Alright, Threesome!"

When asked which president he would put on Mt. Rushmore, Herman Cain hinted that it would be himself.  I don't know about you but I don't want to hear the words "Herman Cain" and "Mount" in the same sentence.

Tonight, the Republican Presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan.  Just what Michigan needs, 12 more people looking for a job.

Actually, it was the 9th GOP debate, and I think they're running out of things to debate.  Tonight they just argued over who was the best lead singer for Van Halen.

Mark Zuckerberg has announced that Facebook is now hiring. Hey Zuckerberg, good luck finding workers who aren't going to screw around all day on Facebook.

Yesterday, an asteroid the size of an aircraft carrier just missed the Earth. Experts say it was the biggest rock to not have no impact since Kim Kardashian's wedding ring.

Wal-Mart announced plans to start selling healthcare in its stores. So now you can get your bucket of cake frosting and your diabetes medicine all in one place.

Last night's episode of Glee caused some controversy by featuring the show's first gay sex scene.  Glee fans were infuriated by the scene and described it as, "not gay enough."

Tomorrow is 11/11/11.  Or as Rick Perry calls it, "11/11…wait, don't tell me, I can get this, I know there's a third one… 

During the debate last night, Rick Perry stumbled badly when he said he wanted to eliminate 3 agencies but couldn't name them.  Historians say this is Rick Perry's biggest verbal blunder since he said, "I've decided to run for president."

Talking about his gaffe last night, today Rick Perry said he was only human and "people make mistakes." When he heard this, Mitt Romney said, "You see – that's where I have the advantage." "ERROR, HUMAN! ERROR!"

There were other interesting moments in last night's Republican debate.  There was a very awkward moment when Herman Cain turned to Michele Bachmann and asked her what she was willing to do to get the job.

President Obama's personal assistant, Reggie Love, has announced he'll be leaving the White House. Reggie Love plans to return to his previous job, hosting a smooth jazz station.

A new study claims the time lost by waiting for the cable guy costs Americans 37 billion dollars a year.  Let me just say on behalf of everyone here at TBS, it's worth it.

Law & Order has released a 104 disc box set of every episode of the show.  Now fans of the Law & Order franchise have 2 options: either buy this exclusive 104 disc DVD collection or just turn on your television to any channel and wait 5 minutes.

A British rugby player said that having a stroke made him gay.  I know that sounds crazy, but to be really honest with you, every time I catch a cold, I get a little bi-curious.

He's okay now, but in Wisconsin, a man had sex with a woman who claimed to be a werewolf and she stabbed him 300 times.  Afterwards, the man said he thought the date went "pretty well."

Once Regis retires, I’ll have no more competition for weirdest first name on the air.

Everyone have a nice weekend?  Mine was a little frustrating—I spent all weekend on my Playstation playing NBA Lockout.

The TSA is warning that this holiday season, for the first time, they will open wrapped Christmas presents.  When asked why, the TSA said, "We need a break from looking at your junk all day."

Moammar Gadhafi's former chef is now claiming that Gaddafi slept with four or five women a day. So now Herman Cain is running for president of Libya.

Ron Paul's campaign is upset because during last week's Republican presidential debate, he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Meanwhile, Rick Perry's campaign is upset because during last week's debate, he got to speak.

Over the weekend in New York, two Occupied Wall Street protesters got married at the protests. The two are registered at Bed, Bath and, Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath.

Starbucks announced plans to open a line of juice bars.  Starbucks said they would've done this years ago, but it took them a while to figure out how to burn orange juice.

Here in Los Angeles, an elementary school is in trouble for letting a porn star come and read a Dr. Seuss book to the kids.  The Dr. Seuss book she read them was "The Cat in the Other Cat."

I wonder if this month’s issue of "Men's Health" will have any articles about abs.

This is Regis Philbin's last week on the air, and he holds the record for most hours on TV at a total of 17,000 hours.  A record we're gonna break tonight!

We're losing a lot of talk show hosts.  Oprah Winfrey retired.  Larry King retired.  Regis is retiring.  Gaddafi had a morning show.  Did you watch "Coffee with Gaddafi?"  It was terrible.

Police in New York are reporting that any individual who enters with a large backpack may be refused entry to Zuccotti Park.  In a related story, police have just arrested Dora the Explorer.

Yesterday, Herman Cain couldn't answer a basic question about Libya. All Cain could say is, "I believe it's part of the vulva."

Facebook was hacked yesterday and flooded with pornographic images. This might explain why I spent the entire evening hitting the "like" button.

Kim Kardashian's mom Kris has revealed she once had an affair.  Then someone explained to Kim's Mom the guy that she had the affair with was actually Bruce Jenner before all that plastic surgery.

The gay penguins at the Toronto zoo who were separated are going to be reunited. Not permanently – just to watch tonight's episode of "Glee."

In New York, hundreds of Harry Potter fans gathered for the annual Quidditch World Cup. Or, to use its unofficial name, "Occupy Virginity."

Here in Los Angeles, an elementary school is in hot water because they let a porn star read to a group of first and third graders.  And, of course, the people who are angriest about it are the second graders.

Los Angeles hasn’t changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.

The woman who claimed that Justin Bieber was the father of her baby has dropped her paternity suit.  In other words, Justin had to find out where babies come from for nothing.

Tomorrow, Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to Occupy the Subway in New York City.  Cause if there's one place to confront the nation's wealthiest 1%, it's on the subway.

Regis Philbin is retiring this week and today Vice President Biden stopped by and gave Regis a gift of a bag full of tennis balls. Hey, do me a favor—when I retire, don't tell Joe Biden.

The other day, someone shot a bullet at the White House.  The Secret Service immediately ruled out Jon Huntsman, because that guy has no shot at the White House.

Former Fox News host, Glenn Beck, is developing an animated TV series with a writer from "The Simpsons." The show is going to be called "Apu Gets Deported."

Now that negotiations have broken down it looks like the NBA season may be canceled.  Which explains why today, Jack Nicholson was spotted courtside at a spelling bee.

PETA is criticizing Nintendo's new game, Super Mario 3D Land because Mario wears fur. Yet for some reason, PETA is totally cool with Mario's lifetime abuse of turtles. 

It's being reported that the bathrooms at Starbucks will now only be for the employees.  As a result, today, everyone that ordered a venti coffee at Starbucks, asked for an extra cup.

According to a new survey, Paris Hilton is more popular than Congress.  And, like Congress, Paris' maximum capacity is 500 members.

The downside of fame? I can’t walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately getting harassed and hounded by a waiter holding the bill.

Thanksgiving is just one week away.  It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since I made eye contact with my father.

The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another.  In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.

Question: If I decide to switch from Team Edward to Team Jacob, how will that affect my rollover minutes?

Herman Cain says, “We need a leader, not a reader.” Is it me, or did Herman Cain just endorse Rick Perry?

Can’t believe it’s not even Thanksgiving and some people are already putting up their Christmas tweets.

Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

You all have a nice Thanksgiving?  I went back to Boston to visit my family and I can't tell you how good it is to be back in a room full of total strangers.

Today is Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online.  As soon as I woke up this morning, I went to Walmart.com and pepper sprayed myself.

Everyone's trying to cash in with their own version of Black Friday—the maker of Barbie advertised "Pink Friday" and T-Mobile advertised "Magenta Saturday."  Least successful was Taco Bell's promotion, "Explosive Brown Sunday."

Today, a woman came forward to say that she and Herman Cain had a 13 year long, sexual relationship. Cain denied the allegations, saying, "Anyone who knows me knows I would never have sex with a woman who wanted it."

Over the weekend, President Obama went shopping and wandered into a bookstore. Rick Perry said, "When I'm President that will never happen."

The NBA lockout is over.  So congratulations, we can all go back to not caring about basketball until the playoffs.

The Catholic Church has updated the wording of some of their prayers. One of the more controversial changes is that it now refers to God as "Jesus' Baby-Daddy."

A man from Mexico is in trouble for helping build a tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego with electricity, ventilation and rail cars.  The man is being charged with bringing illegals into the country, and bringing public transit dangerously close to Los Angeles.

Facebook announced that they are developing a phone. In a related story, MySpace announced that they're developing a fax machine.

Health officials say that syphilis rates have dropped in the United States. They attribute the syphilis drop in America to the fact that last season's "Jersey Shore" taped in Italy.

A new study just came out and it disproves the idea that men think of sex every seven seconds—the study says instead men only think of sex once every 50 minutes.  The study was conducted during a taping of "The View."

Not gonna say what I bought, but Amazon just reviewed my order and said, “You might also be interested in therapy.”

Big national story, once again yet another woman has come forward claiming she did not have sex with me.

After Herman Cain told his alleged mistress to "prove it," she produced 61 phone or text messages from Cain. After that, Cain said, "When I said prove it, I meant, go away quietly."

Yesterday, Herman Cain said that he will only drop out of the presidential race when his wife is no longer "behind him."  Cain's wife said she is still behind him, because there's never any room under him.

Yesterday, Newt Gingrich said if he becomes president, English will be the official language of the United States. And today, Jon Huntsman said if he becomes president, he will sh*t his pants.

In Greenwich, Connecticut, three wealthy investors, already worth millions, won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. In a related story, everyone's head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded.

Today, Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's doctor, was sentenced to serve four years in prison.  The really bad news for Murray is they sentenced him to that prison in the Philippines where the inmates do the "Thriller" dance.

Toyota has unveiled a new state-of-the-art design for a "car of the future." The car is so advanced, that when it's recalled, it can actually drive itself back to the Toyota dealership.

A new photo from one of Saturn's moons shows it may have all the elements necessary for life. The three elements found were nitrogen, methane, and Red Bull.

A vodka company is in a lot of trouble because their billboard features the holiday slogan, "Christmas quality, Hanukkah pricing." However, it's still less controversial than last year's holiday vodka slogan, "Tastes like Ramadan!"

In a new interview, Lady Gaga says that what she is looking for in a man are a degree from Harvard and a huge penis.  Lady Gaga, as a Harvard grad, I have to tell you, it's either one or the other.

Herman Cain's mistress is a woman named Ginger White.  When I heard this, I was startled because Ginger White is my nickname.

Today, the woman who claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain says it was not a "sex for cash" relationship. She described it as more of a "sex for pizza" relationship.

This morning, all that was left of the Occupy Los Angeles camp site was trash, empty tents, and the smell of urine.  Then someone pointed out that wasn't Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house.

The Governor of Rhode Island is being criticized for being too politically correct because he calls the Christmas tree at the Statehouse a "Holiday Tree." Meanwhile, hardcore conservatives want to call the tree a "USA Jesus Stick."

Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption.  When they heard the news, McDonald's immediately unveiled their new breakfast offering: "the Seabiscuit Biscuit."

The Kardashian sisters are among Barbara Walters 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011.  This marks the first time Barbara Walters has done a sarcastic prime-time special.

In Austria, the world's first international sex school opened and it claims it's going to teach students to be better lovers. The most popular majors are Foreplay and Apologizing.

According to a recent report by the Census Bureau, more residents are moving away from California than any other state. As a result, California has just changed its state motto to: "California: We Have Medical Marijuana."

In Southern California, a tunnel has been discovered containing drugs, electricity, a ventilation system, and railcars.  The tunnel was discovered by Paris Hilton's gynecologist. 

When will someone build a piano that isn’t inherently racist?

Los Angeles is being hit by some seriously strong winds.  I'm just curious, how many people are only here because they were in line for "Two and a Half Men" and then got blown into this studio?

Los Angeles is being hit by strong winds, and a lot of people lost power. Of course the good news is that here in L.A. for 17 minutes the Kardashians were not on television.

Herman Cain said today he would make a decision about his campaign only after talking to his wife "face to face." Meanwhile, Cain's wife said she plans to talk to her husband, "shotgun to crotch."

During a speech, Michele Bachmann said that she believes gay people can get married, but only to members of the opposite sex. Then she turned to her husband and said, "Why are people laughing so hard?"

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400 pound gingerbread house. And in front of that, is a 10 pound gingerbread foreclosed sign.

Parents are complaining that more and more kids these days are finding out the truth about Santa Claus from the internet.  So parents, do not let you kids Google, "Giant men with big packages squeezing into tight places."

There's a secret app that's inside most cell phones that not only tracks your whereabouts, it also records everything you type into your phone. The app is called "Angry Girlfriend."

The man's okay now, but in Utah, a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, "Sorry, but you did cut off my balls."

Kobe Bryant has a lot of work to do to get ready for the season. We just played one-on-one, and he only beat me 200-4.

First my kids stopped believing in Santa. Then they stopped believing in Herman Cain.

For the second time in under a week, an iPhone has exploded. Now I want the one that explodes.

This weekend, Herman Cain announced he is dropping out of the race for President. Then this morning, in a surprise move, Herman Cain's penis said it's still in the race.

It's being reported that in many of his speeches, Herman Cain plagiarized a Pokémon movie.  Apparently, the most famous line Cain stole was, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for Pikachu's Ghost Carnival."

An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the "Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy & Casino."

Jon Huntsman said that he's not worried about his campaign, because Americans are starting to "take a second look" at him. The reason they're taking a second look is because they don't know what he's still doing here.

Because of new austerity measures in Britain, Queen Elizabeth is taking a pay cut.  She's also looking for a roommate on Craigslist.

A ten year old girl saved her mom's life by using techniques she learned from watching "Grey's Anatomy."  Apparently, she saved her mom's life using cheesy dialogue and a Sarah McLachlan song.

In a new interview, Larry King says he wants to be cryogenically frozen when he dies.  When asked why, Larry said, "I really miss the Ice Age."

A new website allows parents to rent toys, instead of buying them, for Christmas.  The website is perfect for parents who aren't sure that they love their child. 

A man trapped in a snowstorm in Alaska survived for three days by consuming only frozen cans of beer. Rescuers said they finally found the man when they heard him yelling, "Party!"

It's been announced that Madonna is going to perform at half time for the next Super Bowl. So even if the Panthers and the Jaguars don't make it to the Super Bowl, a cougar will.

Earlier today, Lady Gaga visited the White House.  There was an awkward moment when Michelle Obama thanked her for the toaster and Lady Gaga said, "That's my hat."

A new study shows that most doctors are afraid to tell parents that their child is overweight. However, they will ask questions like, "How is ‘Fatty Fatty Two by Four' doing in school?"

On the campaign trail, an 8-year-old boy approached Michele Bachmann and told her that his gay mom doesn't need fixing. Then he added, "But my straight dad could sure use a drink."

The Obama Administration has announced that it may stop giving foreign aid to countries that discriminate against gays. It's particularly bad news for the Republic of "No-Homo-Stan."

The FDA has approved a new hangover pill.  They also approved a Hangover II pill which is exactly the same as the first one.

YouTube has redone their Website to make it much easier to find your favorite channels. Now the screen just lets you choose between your choice of "Cats," "Getting Hit in the Nuts," or "Cats Getting Hit in the Nuts."

The CDC is considering a ban on organ donations from people who have had more than two sexual partners in a year.  The CDC is calling this policy "No Guts from Sluts."

In Pennsylvania, a man was arrested for stealing more than $1,000 worth of male enhancement products. Luckily for him, in prison, he's still going to get that huge penis he's always wanted.

17 more shopping days until Christmas.  So guys, that means 16 more days until we start shopping.

A Michigan elementary school teacher has sparked outrage because she has removed the word "gay" from the song "Deck the Halls."  Not only that, but she won't even let the kids sing "Here Comes Santa Claus."

Yesterday, someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg's private photos. When Zuckerberg found out that someone showed such a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them.

It's being reported that, for the 2012 election, Republicans are trying hard to woo Jewish voters away from President Obama. For example, instead of talking about "Cutting taxes," they're using the phrase "giving taxes a briss."

Mitt Romney's campaign announced that its official song is Kid Rock's "Born Free."  It narrowly beat out Mitt Romney's first choice "Mr. Roboto."

During a recent speech, presidential candidate Jon Huntsman said, "We are in a deep funk as a people." What's even sadder is that he gave the speech at 2 in the morning sitting alone at a booth in Applebee's.

A new study found that the number one celebrity Americans would like to have a holiday meal with is Jennifer Aniston.  And the celebrity who came in last place: Chef Boyardee.

India has suspended its plans to let a Wal-Mart open in its country. The Prime Minister's exact words were, "India will make your crappy clothes, but we won't buy them."

In his new book, Donald Trump claims he deserves credit for helping make Lady Gaga a star.  Trump's exact quote was, "It was my idea to go out in public with weird, crazy shit on your head."

I’ve never gotten into a bar fight, unless you count the time I argued with that bartender who claimed to be out of drink umbrellas.

Today, the White House held its annual Hanukkah celebration.  It was a traditional Jewish ceremony, except for the part where it was hosted by a black man from Hawaii.

Today, when President Obama was asked to comment on Republicans who accuse him of being weak on foreign policy, he suggested they talk to Osama bin Laden. Then he dropped the mic and said "Peace out, bitch!"  

The Vatican may allow nuns to use birth control pills for reasons other than birth control. Also, priests may now use condoms but only as water balloons.

An executive from the E! Network has stated that over the next few years, there could be as many as 4 new Kardashian spinoff shows. He then added, "Unless our demands are met."

One of the hottest toys this Christmas is "Let's Rock Elmo," an Elmo doll that, when you turn it on, acts like a rock star.  You can tell when the Elmo doll is wearing down because he suddenly takes a job as a judge on "American Idol."

The Arkansas Supreme Court has ordered a retrial for a man sentenced to death, because one of the jurors was found to have tweeted during the trial. Even worse, what he Tweeted was, "About to kill some guy. LOL!"

A group of Florida grandmothers posed nude for a calendar to help raise money for charity.  The charity was the "Wish We Were Blind" society. 

At a zoo in China, two gay penguins have been given a baby chick to raise.  Unfortunately, it's not working out because the gay penguins said, "Look, we told you, we're not into chicks."

I took my kids to see the guy in the red suit today. That’s right, the Spider-Man on Hollywood Boulevard.

Everyone's OK, but a man ran around a mall in New Hampshire smashing things with a hammer. The man is being charged with "feeling like we all do in a mall around Christmastime."

The other day, a woman was arrested for cooking meth in a Wal-Mart.  Incidentally, this makes her the first person to make a decent income working in a Wal-Mart.

Over the weekend, NBA and reality TV star Lamar Odom was traded to Dallas for a first round draft pick.  Not only that, his wife Khloe Kardashian was traded to New Jersey for 2 Real Housewives. 

During the debate the other night, Mitt Romney challenged Rick Perry to a 10,000 dollar bet and Perry said, "I'm not a betting man."  Perry also said, "I'm also not a spelling man, a reading man or an adding man."

Many voters feel Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000.  When asked to comment, Mitt said, "I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time."

It's been reported that one of Newt Gingrich's biggest fears is that a nuclear attack will shut off America's electricity. Apparently, Newt's afraid that it will happen while his Hot Pocket is still in "mid-defrost."

During Saturday's debate, Michele Bachmann kept referring to Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich as "Newt Romney." Experts say it was the closest she's ever come to endorsing gay marriage.

Iran announced that it will not return the American spy drone that it recently captured.  They are also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed from us ten years ago.

The FDA is recommending that birth control pills be given more appropriate labels. The FDA is especially unhappy with the pills that are labeled "Unprotected Sex Skittles."

It's been reported that a house cat in Italy has inherited $13 million.  When asked what he's going to do with the money, the cat said, "Buy back my testicles."

Sinead O'Connor got married for the fourth time! In her vows, she said, “Only three other guys have compared 2 U.”

According to a new survey, some people are waiting until after Christmas to do their holiday shopping. These people are known as "men."

A new study says children prefer time with their family to receiving Christmas presents. When asked for comment, children all over the world said, "Bullshit."

Yesterday, Newt Gingrich released a statement promising that he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either.

Lady Gaga said that she's going to become an ordained minister and officiate weddings. In other words, gay marriage just got a whole lot gayer.

Yesterday, someone threw a pair of shoes at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology.

Facebook has introduced a new service to help those who express suicidal thoughts on it.  So now if you write, "Thinking of jumping off a bridge," it immediately lists the top 10 bridges in your area.

The gay penguins from the Toronto zoo have permanently broken up after one successfully mated with a female penguin. Scientists are calling it an important step for the survival of the species, while the penguin's ex-boyfriend is calling it "a phase."

A video of a two-year-old rapper has reached almost a million hits on YouTube. He's the only rapper who, when rapping about his crib, is rapping about his actual crib.

According to a new survey, 75% of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my staff is, I'll see you at the holiday party. Enjoy the Hot Pockets.

Last night was a special Christmas episode of "Glee" that featured Chewbacca. Which is weird ‘cause I always thought C3P0 was the gay one?

There's only 10 more shopping days until Christmas.  This year, if you want to give a gift that definitely won't be returned, try giving a US spy drone.

A new study shows that alcohol use among teens is down, but marijuana use is up. The President of Budweiser said the results were "very alarming" and the CEO of Doritos said they were "freaking awesome."

Good news for Trump: Sammy Hagar and David Lee Roth have agreed to let him moderate their debate.

In a new interview, former candidate Herman Cain expressed interest in being offered a cabinet position.  Cain said, "I'd like to be the Secretary of Interior, because I've already been in the Interior of a Secretary." 

Yesterday, Gary Busey withdrew his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. Mr. Busey has gone back to his prior position of endorsing a jar of raisins.

Earlier today on the campaign trail, Ron Paul said that he does not like his milk homogenized.  After hearing this, Rick Perry said, "I am also not a fan of gay milk."

Customers are complaining that Amazon's new Kindle Fire is too hard to use if you have fat fingers. In response, Amazon released a new version for large people called the Kindle Deepdish.

It was recently reported that the family who owns Wal-Mart has more money than the bottom 30% of Americans. Or as Wal-Mart refers to the bottom 30%, "our employees."

In Florida a woman got a new kidney after posting an ad on Craigslist. The weird thing is, she was only looking for a used futon.

A new report shows that in order to pay their way through college, more and more students are turning to the sex industry.  So parents, you should be worried if your kid tells you they were up all night cramming.

They discovered bed bugs can procreate with their siblings. This is not the image boost bed bugs needed.

One of the nation’s defense agencies has a new app out for tracking Santa Claus. So it sounds like we’re finally going to capture the SOB.

All done with my Christmas shopping. Thanks, Shell Gas gift cards!

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il died yesterday.  They have not named his successor yet, but the rumor is that it's going to be Ryan Seacrest

Yesterday, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggered it, but he apparently he had a lot of money riding on the Denver Broncos.

StIt's being reported that schoolchildren in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong-il did not urinate or defecate. So today, most school children in North Korea just assumed that their Fearless Leader exploded.

Yesterday, Tim Tebow, the Denver Broncos quarterback who thanks Jesus after all his wins, finally lost.  After the game, Tebow dropped to one knee and converted to Judaism.

While campaigning with his wife, Marcus Bachmann said it was a myth that 10% of the population is gay.  He said, "In my house, it's more like 50%."

It's being reported that the new meth capital of America is Missouri.  Missouri unseated last year's meth capital of America, the set of "Two and a Half Men."

Over the weekend, it was leaked that Tiger Woods's divorce settlement ended up netting his ex-wife almost $100 million.  The news was leaked to the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times and Kobe Bryant's wife.

A new survey has found that for the third year in a row, the most annoying word in the English language is "Whatever."  The news was taken especially hard by the top-secret government lab that developed "Brosephus."

Chaz Bono and his fiancée have broken up.  When asked about it, Chaz said, "That's two vaginas I've lost this year."

Tis the season where we get to use the word “tis.”

According to a new survey, 50% of people said they would have sex with a co-worker at a holiday party.  The other half are women.

Kim Jong-il will probably be replaced by his son Kim Jong-un—It's being reported that he was chosen as the new leader of North Korea over his two older brothers.  That's right, they completely passed over Kim Jong Tito and Kim Jong Jermaine.

In a new interview, Mitt Romney's wife says her husband loves caffeine-free Diet Coke.  Or as it's known in the Mormon community, "The ultimate gateway drug."

Yesterday, Representative Barney Frank appeared on the floor of Congress wearing a t-shirt that showed his nipples. He started his speech with "Mr. Speaker, my eyes are up here…"

Yesterday there was a big Internet rumor that Jon Bon Jovi was dead. That, of course, would have meant that the band would be taken over by his son, Kim Jong Jovi.

Kobe Bryant's wife stands to make as much as $75 million from their divorce.  In other words, Kobe's wife can now afford Lakers' tickets.

It's being reported that Kim Kardashian exchanged most of her wedding gifts for Rolex watches that she gave to her family. In Kim's defense, the Kardashians will need the watches to figure out when their 15 minutes are up.

North Korea may not have enough money to preserve the body of Kim Jong-il. Unfortunately, this leaves the North Koreans with only one alternative: Kim Jong Jerky.  Want a Slim Jim, how about a Slim Kim?

Today in Mexico, the Mayan people are celebrating what they say is the countdown to the end of the world. In other words, they think Michele Bachmann has a real shot.

In Iowa yesterday, a voter approached Newt Gingrich and called him an "effing asshole."  Then Newt turned to an aide and said, "Who let my first wife in here?"

White Castle is considering adding wine to its menu.  So now you'll be able to ask the cashier "Which wine goes best with these twenty tiny cheeseburgers?"

In New York City, a 106-year-old stockbroker is still at work on Wall Street.  In fact, for several hours a day, he's occupying the men's room.

Dunkin' Donuts is opening locations throughout the Middle East.  This is good news because it means that one day Israelis and Palestinians will be too fat to fight with each other. Death FROM America

Last night, my kids saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. That’s the last time we go to that mall.

Only 364 more shopping days until Christmas.

Of all the pirates who sailed the seven seas, I’m pretty sure Bluetooth was the most annoying.

As I look around at everything we have, I want to thank the one who makes it all possible: China.

America’s giving up. This year in Times Square they’re going to drop a giant Cinnabon.

On Chinese New Year’s Day, I watch Chinese College Football.

In LA, authorities caught the arsonist who lit over 50 car fires during the New Year's weekend.  So now, if you want to see a car on fire in LA, you'll just have to wait until the Lakers win another Championship.

Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it's also known "Old White Guy Mardi Gras."

Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters.  You know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull. You lack that Iowa sizzle.

Yesterday, Newt Gingrich was asked about the Iowa caucus and he said, "I don't think I'm going to win." Which is funny because that's how Jon Huntsman answers the phone.

Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has said that he thinks states should be able to ban both sodomy and birth control.  Which is weird because when you think about it, sodomy is birth control.

"American Idol" judge Steven Tyler announced he's engaged.  Apparently Tyler got down on one knee and asked his girlfriend to make him "the luckiest old woman in the world."

There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant.

Lindsay Lohan called the police to arrest a trespasser at her home. She said the man was engaged in suspicious activities like keeping his clothes on and paying for things.

Apple's "Siri" voice system recently told a 12-year-old boy to "Shut the f--- up." However, in Siri's defense, the boy did say, "Show me your tits."  

The University of Oregon Ducks won the Rose Bowl? I haven’t said “Congratulations, Ducks!” since I watched mallards have an orgy in my pool.

For most of the night Iowa's caucus looked like a three-way tie.  Which is odd because usually a three-way in Iowa involves a farmer, a cow, and an open-minded scarecrow.

Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes.  To give you an idea how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum he would have won.

Rick Santorum has a "Google problem" because when you Google his last name, you get a description of a dirty sex act.  Meanwhile, in an effort to get someone to Google him, Jon Huntsman has changed his name to "Jon Rusty Trombone."

In her concession speech, Michele Bachmann said, "I mean what I say and I say what I mean."  Then she thanked her speechwriter Popeye.

Rick Perry finished in 5th place with only 10% of the votes.  When asked if he was dropping out, Perry said, "Quitting is not in my vocabulary and neither be most other words."

John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for President. It didn't help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, "From the man who brought you Sarah Palin."

Here in Los Angeles, a Catholic bishop has resigned after it was discovered that he has two children.  The bishop's secret was revealed during last year's "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."

According to a new study, most women over the age of 80 have no desire for sex and they are okay with it.  Not only that, everyone else is also okay with it.

Some experts are now saying that syphilis was brought back to Europe by Christopher Columbus. Which explains the popular children's rhyme, "In 14-hundred and 93/Columbus said/ ‘It burns when I pee.'"

For the dictator of a rogue state, Kim-Jong Un is really mellow and fun to video iChat with.

Today President Obama announced plans for what he calls a "leaner" military.  He also described the new military as a having a "crazy-tight ass."

Tonight is the premiere of the new season of "Jersey Shore."  It promises to have all the name calling, sex scandals and backstabbing of the Republican primaries.

Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about Black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's Black community, otherwise known as "Steve."

Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, "When I'm president, the only rod-operated puppet speaking to American kids will be me."

According to a new study, people with liberal arts degrees are experiencing much higher rates of joblessness.  So for all you Greek Classics majors out there, the sweet ride is finally over. You're going to have to fall back on your fine arts minor.

A Chicago man has been arrested for taking off all his clothes in a movie theater showing "Chipwrecked."  It's being called the second most offensive thing kids had to see in that theater.

Apple is teaching it's voice program Siri to speak Chinese. The two phrases it will say in Chinese are "Back to work" and "Make more of me!"  "..and if anyone asks, you're over 10."

Scientists in Germany have been able to create sperm in a lab.  This is great news for men with fertility problems, but bad news for the guy who has to clean that lab.

In a new interview, world renowned physicist, Stephen Hawking, said that "Women are a mystery." Of course, his exact words were, "Bitches be crazy!"

According to a new study, a poorly chosen baby name can lead to a lifetime of low self-esteem. So I just want to take one second and apologize to my son, Conan Jr.

When I really need a good laugh, I just imagine Edward Scissorhands attempting to eat crab legs.

Hey, Good & Plenty candies – you definitely got your name half-right.

I challenge you to find any YouTube video that wouldn’t be improved by the addition of a Basset Hound dressed as Sherlock Holmes.

Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past six months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.

Jay-Z and Beyoncé paid over a million dollars to seal off the hospital ward where Beyoncé gave birth. It seems extreme, but it was the only way to keep out Uncle Kanye.

Jay-Z and Beyoncé named their baby daughter Blue Ivy. The couple chose that name because Jay-Z's favorite color is blue and Beyoncé is still high from painkillers.

During the debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone, during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.

The Defense Department is trying to found out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of that movie is "Harold & Kumar Kill Osama Bin Laden."

Yesterday, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow threw an 80-yard touchdown pass to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Unfortunately, after seeing Tebow lose his last three games, Jesus put $5,000 on the Steelers.

The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or, to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.

A drug company has recalled bottles of Excedrin and No-Doz over concerns they may contain stray pills from other medicines. The bottles will be relabeled and sold under the name "Surprise Me."

In Canada, a hockey fan was fined $200 for making a racist insult at a black hockey player. Or, as he's known in Canada, the black hockey player.

Chaz Bono said he's trying to save up for a procedure that will turn his current genitals into something that resembles a penis. I just want to say: Chaz, get in line!

Yesterday, Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama.  After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.

Mitt Romney says his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. What he actually said was, "He likes to set poor people on fire."

Microsoft has received a patent for a GPS device that helps drivers avoid bad neighborhoods. The GPS will come free to anyone who purchases a 2012 Toyota Racist. It comes with "White Power" steering.

Today, Van Halen premiered its first new music video with David Lee Roth in 28 years.  The song is entitled, "Mall-walking with the Devil."

Snoop Dogg was arrested after drug sniffing dogs smelled marijuana on his tour bus in Texas.  There must have been a lot of pot on the bus because the drug sniffing dogs were in Maine.

A prominent gay magazine has named Salt Lake City, "the gayest city in America." In fact, as of now, the Utah Jazz will be known as the Utah Jazz Hands.

The Supreme Court is deciding whether television networks have to censor profanity or not. Well, all I have to say is, keep us posted, assholes!

A new study claims that dogs are able to read our expressions and know what we want. I had no idea I wanted a dog to hump my leg.

Jay-Z has already recorded and released a song about his newborn daughter, Blue Ivy.  The song is called, "Don't Blame Me, Your Mother Named You."

At this year's Consumer Electronics Show, Samsung is unveiling a television that turns on when you say "Hi TV."  Even more advanced, if you say "I'm so stoned," it turns on the Cartoon Network.

Apple has sent 250 undercover employees to spy on competition at this year's Consumer Electronics Show. So be on the lookout for nerds dressed up like other nerds.

In Ron Paul's speech last night, he described himself to the crowd as "dangerous."  Then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox.

Last night, Kobe Bryant scored a season high 48 points.  Then today, his ex-wife claimed that 24 of those points are rightfully hers.

A company wants to help army wives by giving them sex toys that can be controlled by their spouses deployed overseas. Working nickname for the device—"The Drone Bone."

Axe is releasing a new body spray aimed at women. Axe says it's perfect for the woman who wants to be turned off by herself.

A tortoise thought to have gone extinct 150 years ago has reappeared.  Even more surprising, his first words upon reappearing were, "Where's my money, bitch?"

Yesterday, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama.

The other day at a campaign event, Mitt Romney told the crowd that he is half-Mexican. Which means that half of him will not be voting for Mitt Romney.

Jay-Z's song, which features his crying newborn daughter, has hit the Billboard chart, making her the youngest person to ever appear on the chart.  That is, of course, if you don't count platinum-selling rapper "DJ Zygote."

Since 2010, Homeland Security has been monitoring YouTube.  Which finally explains why #4 on the FBI's Most Wanted List is "Panda on a Trampoline."

Yesterday Justin Bieber paid a visit to the Consumer Electronics Show.  Just what the Consumer Electronics Show needed – another virgin.

Home Depot just announced plans to hire 70,000 new employees.  Home Depot said they are looking for people who are willing to work hard, and never be found by a customer.

A well-known Italian photographer just came out with a calendar of penises.  Or as Snooki calls it, "A to do list." On that calendar, February is not the shortest month.

In a recent interview, Kim Jong Nam, the oldest son of Kim Jong-il, says his brother Kim Jong-un is nothing more than a "symbolic figure."  Kim Jong-un then told Kim Jong Nam to go "Kim Jong Fuck Himself."

The Tea Party is still looking for the “anti-Romney.” They’re so desperate, they’re starting to look at President Obama.

The Golden Globes claim they don't have a category for Late Night television, but it sure feels like an "Irish thing" to me.

Did you know if you mix Coke Zero, Pepsi One, hazelnut coffee, and ketchup, you get yelled at by the manager at 7-11?

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day everyone in my studio audience decided to celebrate by seeing the whitest man on television.

According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year.  Especially, if you're a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman.

In his withdrawal speech, Jon Huntsman called on the other candidates to end "toxic" politics and stop negative attacks. Then he said, "Especially that fat prick Newt Gingrich."

Over the weekend, Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos got pounded 45-10 by the New England Patriots.  A player for the Patriots said, "It was an easy win, on every play their quarterback would drop to one knee and talk to some invisible dude."

One of the products unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think "ON," it turns on the TV, and when you stop thinking completely, it turns on "Jersey Shore."

Jay-Z announced that now that he has a baby daughter he is going to stop using the word "bitch." His exact words were, "From this day forward, bitches get my respect."

Actress Sarah Michelle Gellar said she let her two-year-old daughter pick the outfit she wore at the Golden Globes. Which is why last night Sarah Michelle Gellar wore applesauce and an Angry Birds backpack.

In a new interview, Madonna accused Lady Gaga of ripping her off. Which is unfair, because we don't know yet if Lady Gaga is going to grow old ungracefully.

A woman in Burbankwas arrested after offering a McDonald's employee sexual favors in exchange for Chicken McNuggets.  Now, ladies and gentlemen, in my experience when it comes to sex and chicken, you don't want either one to cost only a dollar.

A California man has been arrested for trying to poison his wife's Rice Krispies. The man's being charged with attempted murder, and completely misunderstanding the term "Serial Killer."

If antihistamines are used to make meth, then it stands to reason that meth will help my chest cold.

Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia will shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it's 11:05 right now, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.

Today is First Lady Michelle Obama's 48th birthday. President Obama wanted to surprise her, but he couldn't find a male stripper willing to jump out of a sensible garden salad.

At last night's Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting.  In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three deer and fired two elk.

Kim Jong Nam, the brother of new North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, says that as a leader, his younger brother will fail.  When he heard this, Kim Jong-un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, "I'm telling Kim Jong Mom!"

A 36 year-old man who has fathered 14 children by donating sperm said that he is still a virgin.  So if he ever meets any of his kids, he'll explain sex to them by saying "It's something that happens when a man and a cup really love each other."

In Illinois, it's being reported that a woman took her five-year-old son with her on a bank robbery.  Apparently, she told the teller, "Give me all your money, or I'm leaving my five year old."

The other day, a woman from the UK was interviewed about her extremely rare medical condition, two vaginas.  Afterwards, the interviewer stuck around to interview her husband, "Two Penis Joe."

Wikipedia has shut down for a full 24 hours today. So if anyone was trying to look up my bio on Wikipedia I'm 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson. And, by the way, Andy Richter played Rudy on "The Cosby Show."

With the web shutting down, people are finding substitutes to the most popular sites. Wikipedia users are going to Google, and creepy guys on Craigslist are going to Bus Station Bathrooms.

Today, Newt Gingrich said almost a third of his income goes to paying taxes.  Then Gingrich said another third goes to ordering seconds. 

The TSA has admitted that it was wrong to let its screeners strip-search two elderly women last month. However, the screeners won't be punished because living with the memory of what they saw is punishment enough.

In Indonesia, to help working mothers, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and delivers it to the factory where the baby works. 

A new study claims that gossip may be good for you because it reduces frustration and anger.  At least that's what the cameraman who's banging the intern told me. 

Star Wars director George Lucas announced that he's retiring. Lucas said he wants to relax, travel a little, and spend some time digitally reworking his grandchildren.

A Miami strip club has apologized for using Martin Luther King Jr.'s image in a flier for the strip club. They've also apologized for their marquee promising "Malcolm-X-Rated Action"

Earlier today, Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race.  When asked what went wrong, Perry said, "I guess America still isn't ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas."

Newt Gingrich's second wife said he wanted to have an open marriage. I think it might be true, because at the last debate, Newt turned down the lights and said, "Hey fellas, let's just all be President."

Newt Gingrich is being accused of employing subtle racism in many of his campaign speeches.  For instance, yesterday Gingrich said that he alone has the ability to defeat President "Ba-lack" Obama.

The National Enquirer is now reporting that the father of Khloe Kardashian is O.J. Simpson. When reached for comment, O.J. said, "Man, I just cannot catch a break."

During a search of a Guantanamo Bay prison cell, guards found a copy of Al Qaeda Magazine.  The lead article was, "10 Ways to Tell if Your Man's an Infidel."

A Utah high school has rejected the cougar as a mascot because it might offend older women. So they just decided to stick with their original name "The Fighting MILFs."

A recent study shows that despite 60 years of trying, scientists have not been able to locate a woman's G-spot. Still, you've got to give them credit for not giving up after 5 minutes.

I’m getting so many spam e-mails for the Genie Bra, I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should do something to perk up “my girls.”

South Carolina voters just found out Newt has been seeing North Carolina voters on the side.

If you love the gutsy Tom Brady & the high drama of today's AFC matchup, you'll love the DVD rerelease of "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."

Today is the first day of  the Chinese New Year so Happy New Year!  Or as they say in China, everybody back to work!

Today is the Chinese New Year—it's the Year of the Dragon.  That means any baby born in China this year will be making iPhones by next November.

Steven Tyler has been criticized for his rendition of the national anthem. On a positive note, people who saw the performance have been saying, "You know—Nancy Reagan looks great for her age."

At yesterday's playoff game, Steven Tyler sang the Star-Spangled Banner and he got some of the lyrics wrong.  As a result, millions of Americans now think our National Anthem goes, "Flag looks like a lady."

Today, the Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins visited the White House.  President Obama told them he loves hockey as much as any black guy who grew up in Indonesia. 

With the Florida primary coming up, today Mitt Romney's campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney's exact words, "Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves."

Tomorrow, Mitt Romney is going to release his 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, tomorrow Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, ‘94 and 2005 wedding vows.

A woman in England with two vaginas has turned down a $1 million offer to star in a pornographic movie. However, she has agreed to be the new spokesman for Double Mint Gum.

Yesterday, Heidi Klum announced she is divorcing Seal and it's rumored that one reasons why is that Seal has a bit of a temper. Apparently, he really flies off the handle when you remind him that he's Seal.

According to a new study, talking after having sex just as important as sex.  Which is weird, because in my experience, right after sex I just hang up the phone.

Today, instead of nominating 10 possible films, the Academy only nominated 9.  In other words, Chipwrecked got screwed.

Two of the big nominees for Best Picture are "Tree of Life" and "The Artist." Both were nominated in the category, "Best Picture that you've heard of but are never going to see."

The nominations were announced at 5:30 a.m. and Meryl Streep was nominated for her 17th Oscar.  When reached for comment, Streep said, "You woke me up for that?!"

Mitt Romney released his tax records today and they show that he earned more than $42 million.  So now the other candidates aren't running for President, they're running to be Mitt Romney.

Tonight, President Obama gave his State of the Union and said "The state of the union is strong." Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich made a speech to his wife and said, "The state of our union is ‘open.'"

In last night's debate, Newt Gingrich said voters want a president who's "prepared to be controversial." Which explains why Newt then turned to the crowd and yelled, "I love Nickelback!"

In last night's presidential debate in Florida, the audience was not allowed to applaud. But since it was Florida, the audience did yell out "Bingo!"

Google Plus has introduced a new policy that allows nicknames. Unfortunately, it's a nickname they give you based on your search history. My nickname would be "Clown Torture Porn."

Disney has announced a change of policy that will allow its theme park employees to grow goatees.  As a result, the Seven Dwarves are about to get a new member named, "Douchey."

Here in California, some Starbucks have begun selling beer and wine.  When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, "Because sober people don't buy Michael Buble CDs."

The Olive Garden is undergoing a makeover in order to win back customers.  Phase one: change their name to ‘Not the Olive Garden."

There’s a "Great Gatsby" film coming out in 3-D. They say it’s like Fitzgerald’s depiction of a generation's angst is coming right at you.

Last night, during his State of the Union Speech, President Obama told a joke that fell completely flat with the audience. Mr. President, welcome to my world.

An analyst said that last night's State of the Union address was written so that 8th graders could understand it.  Which actually explains the part where Obama said, "I wasted Bin Laden, LMAO!" 

In a new interview, Newt Gingrich said when it comes to sex scandals, he's not as bad as Bill Clinton.  After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You got that right" and high-fived every guy on Earth. 

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she's keeping her lips sealed. Not because of discretion, because that's how the last surgeon left them.

A new website has been designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call his wife and say, "I'll be there in 5 teachers."

A man was arrested for smoking marijuana during a Jet Blue flight.  Flight attendants became suspicious when they noticed a passenger actually enjoying the meal.

The Olive Garden announced it is undergoing a makeover to try to increase business.  They're so desperate, they're even considering serving Italian food.

According to a new study, talking after having sex is just as important as sex. I’m just glad listening isn’t important.

President Obama is traveling the country, and he spent last night in Las Vegas. This morning, he woke up on his hotel room floor trying to figure out what to do about a tiger, a baby, and 9% unemployment.

According to new polls, Mitt Romney does very well with Republican voters who make more than $200,000.  Or as Romney calls them, trailer trash.

In an interview, rapper Ice T called Secretary of State Hillary Clinton a "G," meaning gangster.  Ice says he likes Clinton's policy of "Broad consensus on international problems… before Ho's."

One of the moms from "Toddlers & Tiaras" is suing media outlets, claiming they tried to "sexualize" her daughter.  The mom said, "They turned an innocent pole dance by a three year old into something dirty."

A Florida man was recently arrested for taking upskirt shots at Wal-Mart.  It will come to trial as soon as they can find 12 jurors willing to look at upskirt shots of Wal-Mart shoppers.

A new study shows that when men perform oral sex on women it can cause them to contract mouth cancer later in life. The study also says that, according to women, most American men have nothing to worry about.

Taco Bell has introduced a new breakfast menu.  Taco Bell says it's a good idea because "Breakfast is the most important bowel-explosion of the day."

Time for a little spring cleaning. Does Seal Team 6 do gutters?

Patriots by 7. This is my pick for the Superbowl. And for any future U.S. revolutionary wars.

Project Runway star Tim Gunn said that he hasn’t had sex in 29 years. I had no idea he was married.

Just got some weird looks at the health club when I unrolled my Ke$ha yoga mat.

Today President Obama answered young peoples' questions on YouTube. As a result, Obama's latest poll numbers are 55% "LOL" and 45% "Totally Gay."

The number one movie this weekend was a thriller about one man's fight for survival called "The Grey."  It's about Newt Gingrich and the Florida primary.

Today, Snoop Dogg endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot to legalizing pot.

Studies show that Republican candidates are buying lots of ad time on the Weather Channel.  In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, "Thanks a lot, Obama!"

In Iowa this weekend, a woman gave birth to a 13 pound baby. Apparently, it's the heaviest baby born in Iowa since the last baby born in Iowa.

Members of the Tea Party in Tennessee want to remove all mention of slavery from school textbooks.  Instead, they would like textbooks to say that Abraham Lincoln "Freed the Interns."

In a recent interview, Fran Drescher claims that she was once abducted by aliens.  It was a mistake aliens made just once. 

She's going to be OK, but a 17-year-old girl is being treated for malnutrition after eating nothing but Chicken McNuggets for the past 15 years.  Doctors are describing her condition as "American."

NBC has decided not to air an episode of "Fear Factor" where contestants had to drink donkey semen. NBC made the decision after they were sued for plagiarism by the cast of "Jersey Shore."

Being a celebrity means I can get any restaurant reservation when George Clooney cancels at the last minute.

To make himself seem more like a regular guy, yesterday Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's and ordered burgers and fries. Apparently, everything was well—until Mitt Romney asked if the cashier could "break a million dollar bill."

Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel.  You can tell because last night the weathermen blamed a cold front on "immigration and gay marriage."

The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden's killing. President Obama said this would be, "Unhelpful, inflammatory, and could you please release it two days before the election?"

Roger Ebert has endorsed Ron Paul, saying he "is the only one I'd want to sit next to on a long airplane flight." So, if that's how we're choosing a president, I would like to hereby endorse that girl from those T-Mobile commercials.

The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station.  This is really good news for China's #1 reality show, "Toddlers Making Tiaras."

A new report shows that more teenagers are switching to Twitter because their parents are on Facebook. Apparently, no teen wants to go online and catch Dad poking Mom.

A 100-year old woman in the United Kingdom has revealed that her secret to staying sharp is playing a Nintendo DS.  Sadly, no one has the heart to tell her, that's a garage door opener.

NBC has decided not to air an episode of "Fear Factor" in which contestants drank donkey semen.  So this story doesn't have a happy ending, unless you're the donkey.

It's the first day of Black History Month.  If you're watching me right now, it means you've completely missed the point.

Mitt Romney is complaining that Newt Gingrich never called to congratulate him last night for winning the primary.  However, Romney said he did get a call from some guy asking for "a Mr. Heywood Jablowme."

It's being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion dollars by March.  This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.

This month's College Magazine ranked the top ten colleges for the Harry Potter sport, Quidditch. Actually, you can find the Top 10 Quidditch Schools by taking the Top 10 Party Schools' issue and turning it upside down.

A lot of people excited because the government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. Don't get too excited; for some reason, it costars Katherine Heigl.

Israeli scientists discovered a method for breeding tomatoes that are red on the inside, but black on the outside.  Afterwards, the government of Israel said, "Well, that wraps up the very last of our problems!"

The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Snooki is pregnant. The biological father has been narrowed down to "anyone with a penis."

Mitt Romney won the Florida primary. Amazing how much better he runs when he's left in the charger for the full 8 hours.

In an interview yesterday, Madonna said she's "nervous" about performing at the Super Bowl. She's also not happy that they're calling it the "Scary Cougar Half Time Show."

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen wants people to pray for her husband, Tom Brady, to win the Super Bowl.  In response, God said, "You know what, I think I've done enough for Tom Brady."

After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is now campaigning very hard in Las Vegas.  Newt says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels.

Rapper K'Naan is upset because Mitt Romney used his rap song during Romney's victory speech in Florida.  K'Naan said, "That's the last time I write a song called, ‘Me So Mormon.'"

They have chosen a new voice to play "Dora the Explorer."  I just want to say, thank you for the opportunity.  Vamanaos! We did it, Backpack!

They're coming out with a new, updated version of the ancient sex manual "The Kama Sutra." I think they may have made it too modern, because the first position it describes is "The Dougie."

It's being reported that Katy Perry may be releasing a 3-D concert movie.  And instead of 3-D glasses, you'll get protective goggles.

In New York City, a sex toy shop promises to deliver sex toys to your home within an hour. Unfortunately, for most men, that's 59 minutes too late.

I like the name "Groundhog Day" much better than the original "Pull Out The Dirt Rat Time."

I had to see a men’s doctor today. Why? Let’s just say "Newt is no longer surging in the polls."

Turns out “Bingo Bango Bongo!” is not a good thing to yell out during sex.

Make sure to watch for my commercial during the Super Bowl. You'll only see it if you’re watching a “Sex and the City” re-run on E!.

Last night, the New England Patriots lost to the New York Giants in a heartbreaker.  People from Boston haven't been this angry and depressed since every other day of their lives.

Madonna's half-time show featured Roman soldiers, choir singers, a marching band, an acrobatic tightrope walker, and a Cleopatra outfit. Which explains why today, Lady Gaga held a press conference and said, "Bitch, it is on."

Today NBC apologized for rapper MIA giving the middle finger during the halftime show and NBC called the gesture "obscene" and "inappropriate." Then NBC said, "Now stay tuned for ‘Fear Factor' where a contestant eats a monkey's ass."

Last night, Tom Brady's wife, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, blamed the Patriots Super Bowl loss on Brady's receivers.  Then today, Gisele apologized and said, "I'm a little cranky because I haven't eaten since 1994."

I lost $500 betting yesterday. Not on the Super Bowl, on “Downton Abbey.”

Today, a federal court ruled that you cannot ban same sex marriage in California.  In other words, my weekend with Andy just got a lot more interesting.

Yesterday, the tightrope walker from Madonna's half time show said, "My nuts are fine."  What's strange is that he said this in response to the question, "What's it like to work with Madonna?"

Fast food chain Jack-in-the-Box has introduced a "bacon milkshake."  This is all part of Jack-in-the-Box's new "Die Happy Meal."

Iran is banning toys that are based on the Simpsons. When asked why, President Ahmadinejad said, "Iran is more of a ‘Family Guy' country."

In Michigan, a Senate candidate is being accused of racism for a new campaign ad where a Chinese woman speaks in comically broken English. Today the candidate issued an apology, saying, "Me love China long time!"

Scientists have created a bullet that is capable of guiding itself to the target. Unfortunately, before the bullet can find the right direction, it has to spend at least a year backpacking around Europe.

Marvel Comics is updating the Fantastic Four to give the heroes things like smartphones and iPads. So now when the Hulk gets mad, he rips his shirt and shouts, "HULK SEND ANGRY TEXT!!!" "HULK NO LOL!!!" "HULK HATE TINY BUTTONS!"

In an interview, Joan Rivers said she has had 739 surgical procedures.  In fact, she started out as a man from Kenya. 

According to a new report, STDs are on the rise among senior citizens. In part that's due to a particularly unsafe sex technique they enjoy, called the "Crusty Eisenhower."

Now that football’s over, I have my Sundays back. Get ready, Santa Monica Men’s Quilting Workshop!

Daniel Radcliffe admitted he's had sex with Harry Potter groupies.  His exact quote was, "I put my wand in their Chamber of Secrets."

Daniel Radcliffe said he had sex with groupies. Radcliffe said he looks forward to someday doing it with a woman whose retainer doesn't get stuck in his wizard hat.

Since yesterday's primaries, Rick Santorum's campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said, "$250,000?  Aww, that's cute!"

A condom company has launched a special line of Mitt Romney condoms.  The Romney condom is perfect for the lover who likes to constantly change his positions.

A retired general is saying that the Navy SEAL commander who ran the Osama bin Laden raid should stop talking about it. When asked for comment, the Navy SEAL said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm trying to get laid here."

A mother in China gave birth to a 15 lb. baby. Chinese officials say it's so big, it can do the work of two babies.

Hackers were able to hack into the President of Syria's email because his password was "12345." When he found out, the President of Syria immediately changed his password to "678910."

There's a new product that lets you consume caffeine by inhaling it. The product brings Starbucks one step closer to its ultimate dream: "Charging $9 for air."

Fast food chain Jack-in-the-Box has recently come out with a "bacon milkshake."  Which probably explains Jack-in-the-Box's new slogan, "Death to America." 

Some are now saying that Madonna's halftime show was full of satanic symbolism. Madonna's response to the accusation was, "What can I say? I owe that guy everything."

Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support.  So he's mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and the Cheesecake Factory.

In his campaign, Mitt Romney has started talking about his father's humble beginnings as a carpenter.  He said, "I'll never forget the day my Dad started building our fourth beach house."

Hundreds of moms around the world are breastfeeding outside Facebook's offices to protest the fact that Facebook censors any pictures of breastfeeding.  Meanwhile, CEO Mark Zuckerberg is watching with binoculars saying, "My plan worked perfectly."

Developers are working on an app that will sense when you are depressed and urge you to seek help. The app is called the "iNotice You're Playing A Lot of Adele."

There is a rise in STD rates among senior citizens.  This is because the only thing senior citizens will wrap in plastic is their furniture.

This weekend, KFC became the first American fast food restaurant to open in Palestine.  They tried to open a Taco Bell, but then decided, they've had enough explosions over there.

What will become of the SkyMall catalogue when there are actually malls in the sky?

An Arizona senator wants to create a special holiday just for white people. We already have one called The Season Premiere of "Mad Men."

Give me a call, Justin Bieber! Together we can make a fortune selling “I Can’t Belieb It’s Not Butter” to kids with high cholesterol.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I don't want to spoil the surprise I have planned for my wife, but it's going to end with me saying those special words, "What? I thought you liked that."

White Castle is offering candle lit dinner service for Valentine's Day tomorrow. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much."

It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day.  And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion. 

Last night, Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about.

Katy Perry showed up at the Grammys last night with blue hair. The hair was so striking, Katy had to keep yelling at everyone, "Hey—my breasts are down here!"

Last night Nicki Minaj showed up at the Grammys red carpet with someone dressed as the Pope. Either that, or the Pope has a lot of explaining to do.

The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys last night and are headed out on tour. And now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the internet for discounted prostate medicine.

In a new interview, Samuel L. Jackson said the only reason he only voted for President Obama in 2008 is because he's black.  Which explains President Obama's new 2012 campaign slogan:  "Hey, everybody, I'm still black!"

A new report shows that Osama Bin Laden didn't want his kids to follow in his footsteps.  Which explains why Jeremy Bin Laden is in his third year of dental school.

In Texas this week, a woman walked away from a car crash uninjured because her 38KKK breasts acted as airbags.  The accident was caused when the other driver got distracted by a woman with 38KKK breasts.

Happy Valentine's Day!  Is anybody here on date? Because if this is where you took her on Valentine's Day, you're not getting any.

Papa John's is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It's for the wife who has everything except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day.

For Valentine's Day, Time Warner Cable is offering a special channel called "Ryan Gosling on Demand."  I'm sorry, Time Warner, I'm a guy—so call me when you have "Robert Pattinson on Demand."

Yesterday, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney all said that if they were elected President, they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected. "Yes We Can!"

Paramount Pictures announced that they are going to come out with "Transformers 4."  In the new movie, "Transformers 3" transforms itself into a good movie.

The son of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has been arrested on a charge of domestic violence.  When he heard this, Hugh Hefner said, "Son, there's a right way and a wrong way to disrespect women."

Reality star Michelle Duggar, who has 19 children, now says she'd like to try and have more kids. Coincidentally, while she was giving the interview, three more just fell out of her. They were fully clothed.

She's okay, but while vacationing in South Africa, Shakira was attacked by a sea lion. This is not surprising to animal experts, since the sea lion's natural enemy is an amazing ass.

President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise $3 million.  Which may be why I saw him this morning in the audience line for "The Price is Right."

A Democratic fundraiser is offering donors a one-on-one dinner with President Obama for $35,800.  Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney.

Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy metal band Megadeth.   In other words, Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth. 

Yesterday, Oklahoma elected their first openly gay State Senator. Unfortunately, no one knows how to break it to the senator that he's in the state of Oklahoma, not the musical.

In a bid to boost profits, Tropicana is adding more water to their orange juice. That explains their new motto, "Tropicana: We're like the bartender at Applebee's."

A new study shows that nearly 50% of all workers think they could do a better job than their boss. The number jumps to 100% if their boss is Conan O'Brien.

On Twitter yesterday, Grammy winner Chris Brown told his critics to "eff off." In other words, I think he's ready to be in a relationship again!

He's recuperating, but in Las Vegas, a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the "Chlamydia Hilton."

The US rate of interracial marriages is at an all-time high.  I know from experience because my wife is white and I'm super white.

Yesterday, Newt Gingrich's campaign bus got a flat tire in the gay section of Hollywood. Gingrich says he wishes he'd known this before he went around asking men for a quick "jack and a pump."

In the United States, there are nearly 1.8 million dead people who are still registered to vote.  As a matter of fact, they're the group that's most passionate about Mitt Romney.

An Arizona lawmaker wants to make it a crime for teachers to curse in front of their students.  Arizona teachers are upset because their favorite part of the day was telling their students "Pop quiz, shit heads."

I can’t believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

Another Monday where I can’t decide which Archie character to shave into my chest.

Happy Mardi Gras.  Here's the deal tonight: You throw me some beads, and I'll promise NOT to show you my chest.

It turns out the typical Academy member who votes for the Oscars is in their mid-60s.  That's good news for the movie "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" because it's the only movie they can see and hear.

Newt Gingrich called President Obama "the most dangerous president in U.S. history." Then he said, "On the dance floor."

It's being reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it.  So hey, it turns out he is just like us.

A new article claims that if Abraham Lincoln ran for President today, he could not get elected as a Republican.  Mainly because if Lincoln tried freeing the slaves, other Republicans would say "Abraham Lincoln: Bad for Small Business."

Political analysts are saying that the key voting bloc this election will be a group of women called "Birth Control Moms." "Birth Control Moms" are women who use birth control, but apparently not correctly.

Over the last few months, Home Depot is reporting record profits.  Home Depot said they'd like to share the profits with their employees but even they can't find them.

Taco Bell is about to unveil a new slogan. The new slogan will be, "Think Outside the Bun, and Within Twenty Feet of a Toilet."

Today a Los Angeles judge told Lindsay Lohan that she's doing great with her probation and will soon be in the clear.  Then the judge looked down and said, "Hey, who stole my gavel?"

After being cut off during her speech at London's Brit Awards, Adele gave the finger to the show's host.  The host was so bummed out, he went right home and listened to his Adele album. 

Borat star Sasha Baron Cohen has been banned from the Oscars.  The producers are worried that if Sasha Baron Cohen shows up, something interesting might happen.

During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich, old white guy.

Due to a new law requiring adult film stars to wear condoms, the porn industry has started to leave Los Angeles. You can tell the porn stars are planning to move because they've been posting ads on Craigslist for "extremely used futons."

Today, Newt Gingrich said that we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists.  Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail. 

Taco Bell is coming out with a taco that's wrapped in a Doritos shell. If that doesn't sound appealing to you, you're not stoned right now.

Chris Brown is now in a Twitter feud with a professional wrestler. The wrestler threatened to body slam Brown but Brown said, "Hey, we're not even dating."

If Meryl Streep is really such a great actress, why won’t she play the lead in my new movie, “The Tupac Shakur Story”?

In a recent poll, California was voted the least popular state in the US.  But don't worry, we are still the most popular state in Mexico.

In last night's Republican debate, the candidates were asked to describe themselves in one word.   Rick Santorum said, "Courage," Ron Paul said, "Consistent," and Newt Gingrich said, "Bootilicious."

Two of the biggest topics at last night's GOP debate were illegal immigration and birth control. I think Ron Paul got confused, because he said that we should build a fence around women and pull out of Mexico.

According to the latest figures, Adele's new album is being downloaded an average of every 7 seconds.  This is due to the fact that every 7 seconds, someone's getting dumped.

It's being reported that a security breach at a popular porn site has revealed users' email addresses and passwords. I just want to reiterate to my wife that the user "conan@obrien.com, password ‘ILoveTBS'"—that's not me.

“Fine, sure, go ahead. Weird, but I like it.” (God greenlighting the Armadillo)

Today I’m gonna get high and see if the Nixon tapes sync up to Pink Floyd.

Just saw a Jeremy Lin jersey on sale for $300. These prices are Jeremy insane! Wait… Did I do that wrong?

You all see the Oscars last night?  Did you see Angelina Jolie stick her leg out?  I haven't seen a skinny white leg like that since I looked down in the shower.

Last night, "The Artist" won 5 Oscars. That works out to one Oscar for every person who saw the movie.

Last night, 82-year-old Christopher Plummer became the oldest actor ever to win an Academy Award.  Of course, when the show started, he was only 79.

Last night, the Oscar for Best Foreign Film went to a movie from Iran. Unfortunately, as soon as the Oscar statue is sent back to Iran, it will be stoned to death for being naked.

The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of Seal Team Six was allowed to bring one date there.  

As of tomorrow, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents.  This is historic—It's the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.

Bill Clinton has been named a nominee for this year's Nobel Peace Prize.   This will be his first trip to Sweden that he can actually tell Hillary about.

A spokesman for Ben and Jerry's has apologized for creating an Asian-themed ice cream called "Taste the Lin-Sanity." Unfortunately, he apologized by saying, "Me so sorry."

Paris Hilton just released a new single called "Drunk Text." Some people are saying it's just a rip-off of Madonna's 1980's hit song "Booty Fax."

For his campaign song, Mitt Romney is using Kid Rock's "Born Free."  It's much better than Romney's previous choice, "Born Free Thanks to a Generous Inheritance."

A lot of people are still wondering if Jennifer Lopez had a "nip slip" during Sunday's Oscars Telecast.  The nipple has generated so much excitement it's been asked to host next year's show.

The CEO of Pizza Hut said that when he was in college, he used to bring his dates to Pizza Hut.  When asked where he brought them on the second date he said, "There were no second dates."

A major new video game coming out next month is going to let you choose to make your character gay.  So everyone get ready for "Call of Duty: Same Sex Booty."

In Louisiana, a male chimpanzee named Conan is still getting female chimps pregnant despite the fact that he's already had two vasectomies. According to zoo officials, this chimp is so incredibly virile and masculine, they've stopped calling him Conan.

It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.

Seriously, it has been reported that Snooki is three months pregnant. Doctors say the young life-form swimming in fluids with only minor brain development is going to have a very healthy baby.

Today in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign.  Of course, then the people pointed out that they live in Detroit and he's Mitt Romney. 

In a speech last night, Rick Santorum tried to repair his image with female voters. Although it didn't help that the speech started out with, "Listen up, bitches…"

A new report says that an increasing number of medical students are paying off their med school loans with prostitution.  Which explains why during my last physical, my doctor was also naked.

Scientists are looking into the world's oldest murder case, a man who was murdered 5,000 years ago.  Larry King immediately came forward with an alibi.

They've begun casting a Broadway musical about Tupac Shakur. No surprises so far: Matthew Broderick is Tupac and Nathan Lane is Biggie Smalls.

Tomorrow Justin Bieber turns 18.  Which is a relief for me because starting tomorrow, my Justin Bieber backpack and matching lunchbox will not seem so creepy.

Justin Bieber turned 18 today.  You know what that means—he can now be tried as an adult.

Yesterday, the U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever.  America hasn't embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened.

In an interview yesterday, Mitt Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. Romney said it was easy—all he had to do was dump out the 100 bills and throw the bag over his head.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are reportedly seeing a couples' counselor in an attempt to save their marriage.  When asked to comment, Arnold said "That's not what I meant by a ‘threesome.'"

A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote.  Apparently, the dog likes the current administration, but he's just not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama.

A professional wrestler is suing his opponent after their match resulted in him losing a testicle.  The wrestler still competes, but under his new name, Dwayne "The Missing Rock" Johnson.

A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was conducted NOT at the DMV.

Disneyworld has decided not to open an exhibit on childhood fitness, after people complained it stigmatized obese children.  For the same reason, Disney is also getting rid of their 8th Dwarf, "Diabety."

Ferrari has unveiled its fastest car ever and it has a 730 horsepower engine. It goes from zero to "forget I have a small penis" in 2.3 seconds.

I wonder if my car's blind spot compensates with a heightened sense of touch and smell.

The Civil War reenactments are a little different here in LA. Larry King is always on hand yelling, “It wasn’t like that.”

I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

A new report finds that my show has more Hispanic viewers than any other late-night program. In a related story, Hola, Bienvenidos a todos mis amigos del mundo Latino-Americano.  Yo soy un gringo muy blanco.

Today, AOL joined a long list of companies that have dropped Rush Limbaugh.  A spokesperson for AOL said, "We would have done it sooner but we are using AOL."

Over the weekend, President Obama contacted the student that Rush Limbaugh called a slut and offered his support. Then President Clinton phoned her and asked, "Is it true?"

Today, Rick Santorum took a swipe at Mitt Romney by saying, "Money's not going to buy this election." Two hours later, Mitt Romney bought Rick Santorum.

After winning Russia's presidential election, Vladimir Putin began to cry during his victory speech.  In other words, Putin is now the president of both Russia and Wussystan.

A couple in England has paid thousands of dollars to get their dog a face-lift.  Apparently, the dog was so ugly, other dogs were sniffing his face.

A couple was arrested for having sex in Nebraska's History Museum.  The couple later apologized and said, "You know how it is, you start learning about Nebraska and then one thing leads to another."

A man in France is suing Google because they posted a Google Street View picture of him peeing on his front lawn. On the bright side, at least now we know where Gerard Depardieu lives.

Starting today in L.A., all porn actors are now required by law to wear condoms during all sex scenes. And also, for some reason, they have to wear Crocs.

In Massachusetts, a former student is suing her college because her roommate was constantly having sex while she was in their dorm room. In my day, we handled this a little differently—we watched.

Ever notice that you never see The Lorax and Wilford Brimley in the same room together? #AdmitItWilford

I can't decide which I prefer, burial or cremation. Can you try one and then switch if you don't like it?

Today is the multi-state primary known as "Super Tuesday."  It will be followed tomorrow by, "Oh-Shit-Now-We're-Really-Stuck-With-Romney Wednesday."

Newt Gingrich said that soon he's going to be back on top.  After hearing this, his wife said, "Please tell me he's talking about the campaign."

This week in Ohio, Mitt Romney has been trying to present himself as a blue-collar candidate.  Unfortunately, it doesn't help that his opening line is, "Hello, my fellow peasants!"

In several of the key Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. These are the same voters who think Super Tuesday is Superman's birthday.

As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum will all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul is going to get a can of mace and a rape whistle.

Snooki's boyfriend reportedly proposed to her.  Apparently, he said, "Will you make me the happiest man on Earth, or do you still want to go through with this?"

I've been practicing for this year's St. Patrick's Day. Every morning, I have my personal trainer punch me in the face.

Tomorrow is International Women's Day. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls it, Slutsapalooza.

Today, Rush Limbaugh said losing his sponsors is like "losing a couple of french fries."  In other words, Rush Limbaugh is devastated.

Last night, Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. Then Romney made the mistake of saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's a victory for the 1 percent!"

According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who describe themselves as "very conservative." However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as "totally freaked out by Rick Santorum."

The new iPad apparently only has modest improvements over previous models.  Which, of course, means I will trample over my own mother to get one.

In the press conference, Apple's CEO Tim Cook said "Siri is your best friend."  Unfortunately, Siri translated this to say, "Sorry I stole your Depends."

A fashion designer is now saying that the next big thing is pantyhose for men, called "mantyhose." Of course, this is the same guy who, a couple of years ago, tried to sell me a Kotex "Mampon."  I liked it.

On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone.  Alexander Graham Bell said, "Someday, my invention will ruin movies for people."

In New York, a soccer mom has been charged with running a brothel. Police became suspicious when they saw a minivan whose bumper sticker read, "My Whore is An Honors Student at Deerfield High."

It's being reported that Dunkin' Donuts restaurants in China are adding "pork donuts" to the menu.  For God's sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything?! The donut's all we have left!

A pregnant Jessica Simpson has posed nude for Elle Magazine. All I have to say is, dear God, nobody tell Elle Magazine that Snooki is pregnant.

In a recent interview, Snooki said that being pregnant felt like being hung-over. She said, "It's a familiar feeling…I'm nauseous and I can feel somebody I don't know inside of me."

Today is International Women's Day.  In honor of this occasion, Ladies, tonight's first guest is Jon Hamm.

It was reported that in the weeks leading up to his death, Osama bin Laden had trouble controlling the squabbling among his three wives.  In fact, when Seal Team 6 kicked down the door, bin Laden said, "Thank God, you're here."

According to Apple, the new iPad isn't called the "iPad 3" or the "iPad HD"—in fact, it doesn't have a name yet. Right now, everyone's using its nickname, the "iCan't Believe I Just Paid the Full Price For the iPad2."

The latest polls show President Obama's approval ratings among women have risen by 10%. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama's new campaign slogan, "Tell Me About Your Day."

Yesterday, former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said that what's happening to Rush Limbaugh is "overkill." Moments later, Rush called Michele Bachmann on the phone and said, "Thanks, slut!"

This week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.

In Florida this week, 450 women broke the world record for the largest bikini parade.  And at the same time, 50,000 men broke the world record for most creeps in one place.

MTV says Snooki's pregnancy could mean the end of "Jersey Shore."  As a result, the father of her baby is now eligible for the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I found the iPad 3 announcement especially disappointing because I’m still standing in line for my iPad 2.

It’s being reported that the richest man in the world right now is a Mexican billionaire. His name? Mitt Romniguez.

It’s very considerate that all theaters showing "Project X" have a special “Creepy Older Guy” section.

Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it’s a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains.

Whoever said “clothes make the man” has not seen me struggling into a pair of mantyhose.

Can someone please recommend a good Del Taco? I’m getting bored with my local one.

When they finally found Carmen Sandiego, her bones were scattered in a coyote den.

Any good will the Irish earn during the year, they squander it all on St. Patrick's Day.

Hey guys, I’m starting a cool new hashtag: #tweetmeyoursocialsecuritynumber

Saturday was St. Patrick's Day. Or as it's called in Los Angeles:  "Cinco de Mayo for White People."

Saturday was St. Patrick's Day and Sunday was the LA marathon. In other words, no Irish people ran the LA marathon.

Rick Santorum has said that, if elected president, he would ban hard-core pornography. Which is why Mitt Romney just changed his slogan to "Mitt Romney: Because Santorum Would Ban Hard-Core Pornography."

A new racy photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.

A group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to re-occupy New York's Zuccotti Park. You can tell the movement's been hurting for funds because this time they called themselves "Occupy Wall Street Brought to You by Sony Pictures '21 Jump Street.'"

A new study shows that 30 million Chinese citizens live in caves. A spokesperson for the citizens said, "Hey—it beats making iPads."

Over the weekend, the creator of Red Bull died at the age of 89. As per his wishes, his funeral will be an all-nighter—followed by a hellacious midterm.

HBO has had to cancel its horse racing series "Luck" after the deaths of three of the horses. However, HBO executives are eagerly promoting their next big series, "Glue."

A new report says that, before Osama bin Laden died, he wanted to change Al Qaeda's name to help its image.  Unfortunately, Pinkberry was taken.

In Louisiana, Rapper Lil Wayne has been issued a ticket for not cutting the grass outside his house.  After hearing this, Lil Wayne said, "Hey, finally, some street cred."

A Massachusetts medical clinic is trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza. The disturbing part is, for both the pizza and the vasectomy, they use the same "rolling-wheel-knife."

At some point, I’m going to have to tell my kids they’re not adopted. They’ll be crushed.

Rush Limbaugh has joined Twitter. He won't be Tweeting, he just got hired to replace the Twitter Fail Whale.

Walt Disney has announced that they've lost $200 million on the movie "John Carter." This doesn't bode well for Disney's upcoming $250 million epic, "Jimmy Carter."

Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, "Until now!"

Since Saturday, Apple has sold 3 million iPads.  So to the Chinese workers who made them, "Juice boxes all around!"

I finally saw "Drive". Man, it really captures that awkwardness of when the girl you’re courting watches you kill a henchman on an elevator.

Yesterday, the Prime Minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department.

Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means 43 years ago, Mitt proposed to his wife and, due to a weak field of candidates, she said "yes."

Mitt and Ann have been married for 43 years.  When asked what keeps their marriage fresh, Ann said, "Lucky for me, Mitt's always changing positions."

It's being reported that the Santorum campaign has raised at least $300,000 by selling sweater vests.  Meanwhile, the Newt Gingrich campaign has made twice that by selling Spanx for men.

Rick Santorum is rejecting some calls from within his party for him to pull out of the race. Which is funny  because I thought pulling out was the one thing he did believe in.

It looks like Bronco's quarterback Tim Tebow has been traded to the Jets.  When told he was going to be spending the rest of his career in New Jersey, Tebow said, "There is no God."

Apple customers are complaining that the new iPad produces an uncomfortably high level of heat. As a result, Apple is now putting two in a box and calling it the "Apple Panini maker."

A popular Star Wars video game has been accused of having a homosexual agenda. This is due to the part where Darth Vader tells Luke, "I am your father – and this is your other father, Brad."

That moment when you realize you’ve put too much wasabi in your mouth? Only time I’m happy.

Anyone else worried that we're in the midst of a cupcake store bubble?

How embarrassing. My son opened a box labeled "Daddy's Things - Private" and found all my Styx cassettes.

"The Hunger Games" made a whopping $153 million over the weekend.  So to  get in on the movie's success, before the hour is up, only one of us in this studio will walk out alive. Spoiler alert, Andy lives.

"The Hunger Games" is a movie about attractive teenagers who are forced to fight each other to the death. Basically, it's everything you were hoping for the first time you watched "Saved by the Bell."

This weekend, "The Hunger Games" had the third biggest opening in movie history. Show business experts predict this will be the biggest opening until Snooki goes into labor.

Over the weekend, former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The new heart is working so well, that Cheney's already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.

Rick Santorum said you aren't a "real Republican" until you've sworn at someone from the New York Times. Moments later, a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said, "Heck!"

Over the weekend, the Pope made a visit to Mexico.  In fact, it was pretty exciting—he took first place in the Spring Break Wet "Pope Hat" contest.

Over the weekend, President Obama warned Kim Jong-un that "bad behavior will not be rewarded."  Then, Kim Jong-un asked, "So how do explain yet another season of Jersey Shore?"

Over the weekend, a woman broke into Simon Cowell's home and he found her in his bathroom holding a brick.  Simon approached the woman cautiously and told her, "Paula, put down the brick."

A finalist for Miss Universe Canada was disqualified because she was born male.  Judges became suspicious when she listed her talent as "hiding her penis."

Here in California, a medical marijuana delivery driver told police his pot was stolen by two ninjas. Folks, I don't have a joke for that story, I just love California.

Got my oil changed downtown just so I could tweet something that sounded dirty.

Newt Gingrich's campaign is now charging people fifty dollars to pose for a picture with Newt. And for 100 dollars, you can get one without Newt.

The Supreme Court is deciding whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance.  When he heard this, Rick Santorum said "There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man-date."

The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson's cell phone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has agreed to reduce the man's sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again.

In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry, it's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand.

Safety experts now say more and more  car crashes are being caused by GPS devices. So think twice the next time your GPS says, "Turn left here—if I can't have you, no one can."

Producers of "Jersey Shore" are figuring out what to do about the show, now that Snooki is pregnant and "The Situation" is in rehab.  Their first step is changing the title of the show to "What the Hell Did You Think Was Going to Happen?"

In Minnesota, a high school student has been told that he cannot bring a porn star to his prom. On the bright side, he has been given permission to bring her to Career Day.

A light bulb from 1912 has been discovered that still works.  The unused light bulb was found in Angelina Jolie's refrigerator.  

The Texas Rangers stadium now offers a new two-foot-long hot dog.  The hot dog's called "The Overcompensator."

This week, on a Jet Blue flight, a pilot had to be restrained after he ran down the aisles yelling "Say your prayers."  In the pilot's defense, "Say your prayers" is Jet Blue's slogan.

This morning, the CEO of Jet Blue went on the "Today" show and he tried to explain why their pilot went crazy. Apparently, the CEO is blaming it all on Jet Blue's new free snack, "Meth-Flavored Terra Blue Potato Chips."

An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the LA Dodgers.  Magic said he won't make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball.

After Twilight fans were called "Twi-hards," Hunger Games fans have now been dubbed "Hunger-lings." Meanwhile, "John Carter" fans are being referred to as, "That guy who saw ‘John Carter.'"

Lindsay Lohan is going to make a guest appearance on the show "Glee." Lohan will play a student that all the other students suspect is a 45 year old narc.

A recent report finds that pot smokers get into fewer car crashes than drunk people. Then again, it's easier to see what's coming when you're driving at 11 miles an hour.

On the "Today" show this morning, Charlie Sheen said he cringes when he watches footage of his crazy rants from last year.  Sheen said he's moved on and he's now focusing on his new career as a Jet Blue pilot.

The co-pilot on the Jet Blue flight is now saying the pilot was making crazy remarks even while they were still on the ground.  They knew he'd really lost his mind when he announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we are scheduled for an on-time departure."

It's been reported that Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich had a secret meeting.  Apparently, Romney asked Gingrich if he'd consider being his running mate and Gingrich asked Romney, "Are you going to finish those fries?"

Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory.  Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite jokes from the movie, "Schindler's List."

Yesterday, Joe Biden flubbed a speech when he accidentally thanked Dr. Pepper instead of a woman named Dr. Paper.  Then Biden apologized and said he meant no disreSprite.

In California, an experimental self–driving car invented by Google took a blind man to Taco Bell.  When the man realized where he was, he told the car, "Hey, I'm blind, not high."

The Olympics has ruled that female beach volleyball players may now wear something that covers them up more than a bikini. The ruling was made after the debut of women's volleyball champion "Bushy Betty."

Like most party animals, I start my weekend by checking the three day forecast on Pollen.com.

The Smithsonian has a video game exhibit. There’s even a tour guide who yells at you for not being outside on such a nice day.

Anyone here win the Mega Millions over the weekend?  Just curious—who here regrets telling their boss on Friday afternoon to shove it?

Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery.  You know what that means: three more votes for Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney's staff played an April Fool's Day prank by taking Romney to a fake campaign event. And Newt Gingrich's campaign staff played an April Fool's prank on Newt by telling him, "Things are looking great—you should stay in the race!"

Today, Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he's given Romney his official endorsement.

Bill Clinton said he would be "happy" if Hillary ran for president in 2016. He also said he'd be happy if she left the house for a half hour this Saturday from 3:35 to 4:05.

A court in Egypt is cracking down on all Egyptian pornographic websites. The worst offender is Egypt's topless Website, "Those-Aren't-Pyramids.com."

iTunes has pulled a controversial app after people said it was designed for stalkers.  The developers say they will resubmit their app under its original name, "Facebook."

According to a new study, the oceans started warming 135 years ago.  Yep, it was that long ago that someone first looked at the ocean and said, "Hey, I can pee in that thing."

Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of who you are. Not helping is that the cover of the book says "Written by ‘Oprah Winfrey's Boyfriend.'"

In a new interview, the Octomom said she's received a flood of angry phone calls and death threats. And that's just from her uterus.

My new iPad is getting real hot. I’m confused… Are they not microwavable?

Wisconsin Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of handing out free sub sandwiches in exchange for votes.  Which explains why today, Newt Gingrich voted for Mitt Romney.  Seven times.

The Miss Universe pageant reversed its decision and will now let a transgendered contestant participate. The contestant was so excited to hear this, she could barely hide her erection.

Goldman Sachs has sold their shares in the New York paper "Village Voice" because its back page has ads for prostitution. Goldman Sachs said the only people that should pay to get screwed are their clients.

The Tony Awards announced that Neil Patrick Harris will host for a third time.  So once again, they've snubbed Mike Ditka.

The man on the Quaker Oats logo has gotten a complete makeover including a leaner face, broader shoulders and better hair.  He also has a new life partner, Uncle Ben.

A new study claims that 4 out of 10 Americans are now obese.  The study was conducted by anyone working at a waterpark. 

Scientists now believe that humans discovered fire one million years ago. The evidence was found on Larry King's first birthday cake.

Despite losing all three primaries yesterday, Rick Santorum is still refusing to drop out of the race.  Although, it shouldn't be a surprise that the guy with seven kids isn't that good at pulling out.

Yesterday, President Obama accused the Republicans of "social Darwinism," then today, Mitt Romney accused President Obama of "rhetorical excess." When asked for comment, former President Bush said, "What?"

Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted that he is a Trekkie.  Although Trekkies say he doesn't qualify because he has a wife and a job.

This morning, John McCain was asked who Mitt Romney should consider for Vice President and McCain laughed and said "Sarah Palin." When no one else laughed, McCain sighed, stared into the distance, and said, "I guess you had to be there."

In Maryland, the woman who claimed she won the Mega Millions lottery said she hid the ticket at the McDonald's where she works.  To keep it from ever being found, she hid the ticket inside one of their salads. 

Starting today, Allegiant Airlines is charging $35.00 extra if you have carry-on bags.  Meanwhile Jet Blue is charging $35.00 extra if you want a pilot who isn't insane.

In a recent interview, Madonna's manager said the singer would love to do a concert in Iran. See, that's how it works, Iran—you threaten us with nuclear weapons, we threaten you with Madonna.

Nicolas Cage recently has paid the IRS $6million dollars of his $14 million tax bill. In the memo line of the check, Cage wrote "Two Ghost Riders down, four more to go."

In New York, a woman is claiming that Ryan Gosling saved her from getting hit by a taxi.  Then today in New York, thousands of women were injured jumping in front of cabs.

In Ohio, a high school has refused to let a student wear a shirt that says, "Jesus is Not a Homophobe." But they're cool with his baseball cap that says "Buddha Digs Fat Chicks."

Dartmouth College has named their medical school after Dr. Seuss. Because nothing is better than hearing your doctor say, "You don't have cancer on your nose, you don't have cancer on your toes."

Tomorrow night is the Jewish holiday of Passover.  Or as we call it here in LA, Cinqo de Matzo.

Yesterday, the Maryland woman who claims she's the Mega Millions winner held a press conference, where she not only failed to present the winning ticket, but also quickly asked the press to leave. In other words, she's full of mega bullshit.

Even though this woman claims she won Mega Millions, surveillance footage shows the ticket was purchased by a man.  So, either she's lying or we're all trapped inside the new Tyler Perry movie.

It's being reported that President Obama admitted he's a Trekkie.  Which explains why the President is polling very high with virgins ages 45 to 60.

This week, Yahoo! announced the firing of 2,000 employees.  In an effort to figure out just what prompted the layoffs, Yahoo! employees spent hours Googling the answer.

Scientists have found the remains of a large dinosaur covered in a combination of feathers and fur. The feathered-and-furred dinosaur was found in China, but reportedly had hopes of making it to Broadway.

Kanye West has recorded a new song in which he says he's fallen in love.  Kanye must be in love because the song is entitled, "You Remind Me of Me."

They can see every man's bald spot and down every woman's blouse. THAT'S why giraffes are always smirking.

I just saw a lame white guy lip-synching a Jay-Z song as I drove past the mirror store.

I refuse to play the Masters Tournament until Augusta National admits women. I encourage all other non-golfers to do the same.

My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.

In a new interview, Ann Romney says her husband Mitt is "mischievous." For example, she says his favorite prank is to ring someone's doorbell, run away, and then buy the house.

Newt Gingrich said people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the race.  It's a group of people known as "Democrats."

On Sunday, a cruise ship set out from England to exactly replicate the voyage of the Titanic. The tickets were most popular with people who have no idea what happened to the Titanic.  

A new study finds that homophobia may be linked to a subconscious attraction to your own gender.  Rick Santorum has called the study, "As hard to believe as Ryan Gosling's perfect ass."

It's being reported that 74-year-old Morgan Freeman is planning to marry his 27-year-old step-granddaughter. The whole story sounds a little creepy—unless you hear it narrated by Morgan Freeman.

In Kansas, the Mega Millions winner, who took home $157 million, has chosen to remain anonymous. A spokesman for the winner said his client just wants to "blend in with all the other people in Kansas who have $157 million."

The FBI reports that American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. They say everyone should be on the lookout for any student who's paying attention and taking notes.

Lindsay Lohan is denying rumors that she punched a woman in a bar this Saturday.  Lindsay said, "Trust me, when I hit someone, it's with my car."

According to a new study, 23-year-old women wear the shortest skirts. The study was conducted by a scientist who's had it with trying to cure cancer.

President @BarackObama claims to be a Trekkie. But where’s the proof? Why won’t he release his fan fiction?

Rick Santorum has dropped out of the Presidential race. Santorum said he didn't want to try for a "come from behind win" because it sounded too gay.

It's being reported that Herman Cain is about to endorse Mitt Romney. In other words, Mitt Romney is about to get his first black supporter.

In financial news, the Dow Jones is down for the fifth day in a row. When asked for comment, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney said, "Don't worry America—all my money's in Switzerland."

Today is Opening Day for the Dodgers and it's their first home game since Magic Johnson bought the team.  There was an awkward moment during Magic's pre-game pep talk when he told the players to get out there and beat the Celtics.

In Maryland, 3 teachers have come forward to claim the Mega Millions lottery and they all said they will remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids that if you work hard and study, it won't mean crap unless you win the lottery.

The Seattle City Council has just decided to classify a woman's right to breastfeed as a civil right.  Also a civil right: "a man's right to watch."

The FBI claims that American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies.  In other words, Iran may now have the technology to build their own beer bong.

Last night, Melissa Gilbert suffered a concussion on "Dancing with the Stars."  It's the first time anyone connected with that show has actually seen stars.

Pizza Hut is coming out with a new pizza that comes with a crust stuffed with hot dogs. And earlier today, Taco Bell surrendered.

Katy Perry has a new 3-D concert movie coming out. Nope. No joke to make there.

According to a new study, "The Hunger Games" is now surpassing "Twilight" as the primary cultural influence on new baby names. So finally some good news for my two children "Crossbow" and "Woody Harrelson."

A day after dropping out of the presidential race, Rick Santorum is trying to figure out his next move. For now, Santorum's returned to his previous job: traveling to small towns across America and forcing them to outlaw dancing.

When asked about Mitt Romney's Vice Presidential pick, Herman Cain suggested that he would bring some excitement to the ticket. Then he asked if Mitt Romney's wife is single.

At a conference yesterday, George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as "the Bush tax cuts." He also wishes people would stop referring to his Presidency as "the 8 year oopsie."

In Alabama, a meth lab was found operating inside a Wal-Mart bathroom. On the bright side, Wal-Mart is finally selling products that are made in America!

According to a new study, it's possible for women to experience a second kind of orgasm.  Still no word on what the first kind is.

Yesterday, an Alabama man was sentenced to three days in jail for wearing saggy pants to his court hearing. Of course, in jail they're not called saggy pants—they're called "a head start."

Conservatives in Arizona are trying to pass a law that says that life begins two weeks before conception.  So apparently, a lot of my dates went much better than I thought.

Burger King announced they are testing a new Bacon Sundae.  Burger King also announced it's changing its slogan from "Have it your way" to "Die Humans Die."

There are two kinds of Mexican restaurants. Those that serve fresh authentic cuisine, and ones that serve the cheap, greasy junk I love.

Yesterday in an interview, President Obama once again called Kanye West "a jackass."  In other words, President Obama's finally found an issue that can bring this country together.

Mitt Romney is now promoting a message that his economic policies are better for women. Not helping though is Mitt Romney's new slogan: "Mitt Romney: Mo' Money For Da Bitches."

Today Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. Newt's also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon.

"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling has revealed the title of her first novel for adults.  It's called "Harry Potter & the 30 Year Adjustable Rate Mortgage."

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the FDA's approval of Botox.  To celebrate, people here in Hollywood tried to make an expression.

Pizza Hut is coming out with a pizza stuffed with hot dogs in the crust and Burger King is testing out a bacon sundae.  You know things are getting out of hand in this country when McDonald's has become the healthy alternative.

At a Denver airport, a woman was detained after she stripped naked while going through airport security.  The woman is either crazy or from 10 years in the future.

According to a new study, it's possible for women to experience a second kind of orgasm.  After hearing this, women everywhere said, "Great, now we have to fake another kind of orgasm."

A new report says more men are getting bikini waxes. It's a great way to tell the woman in your life, I want to share your pain and, also, I like dudes.

Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 5.4 million Twitter followers as dependents?

My wife won’t see the new Three Stooges movie with me. She’s still mad they didn’t go with Shemp.

11 Secret Service agents are in trouble for reportedly having sex with prostitutes while on a trip to Colombia.  In their defense, the Secret Service agents are saying it's part of their oath to put themselves "in ho's way." 

11 Secret Service agents reportedly had sex with prostitutes.  People got suspicious when they noticed Secret Service Agents wearing nothing but their sunglasses and ear pieces. 

People are wondering how the Secret Service agents were discovered. Apparently, one prostitute figured out they were Secret Service when her client pulled out a condom and yelled, "Secure the perimeter!"

Mitt Romney has begun the process of choosing a running mate.  Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama.

Today, the 116th Boston Marathon was won by a woman from Kenya and a man from Kenya.  It was a very, exciting race—both winners narrowly edged out someone from Kenya. 

People are criticizing Mel Gibson for trying to make a movie about the Jewish hero of Chanukah. Apparently, people really have a problem with Gibson's title for the film, "The Jew Who Stole Christmas."

A British historical society declared that Britain's greatest foe of all time was George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to "Madonna's accent."

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced that they're engaged.  Apparently, Pitt got down on one knee and accidentally knelt on a kid.

Over the weekend, a 3-D hologram of the late Tupac Shakur performed at Coachella with Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg praised the advanced technology that made Tupac appear by saying, "This is some crazy weed."

The hottest new culinary trend in California is red wine laced with marijuana. I don't have a joke for this, I just was asked to announce this by the California Board of Tourism.

Looks like I’m getting back one chicken leg and 4 golden Sacagawea coins. I probably shouldn’t do my own taxes.

One of the Secret Service agents is in trouble for bragging to the prostitutes that they were there to protect President Obama. So the agent's first mistake was thinking that you have to brag to a prostitute.

President Obama has ordered an investigation into the Secret Service sex scandal. Before Obama had even finished issuing the order, Bill Clinton said "I am on it!"

Mitt Romney said he isn't too rich to relate to average Americans. He said, "Just because I own six houses doesn't mean I can't relate to someone who only owns three."

During a campaign event at the St Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin.  Apparently, it was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid.

Yesterday, Washington DC celebrated Emancipation Day, the anniversary of President Lincoln freeing the slaves. Or as the Tea Party calls it, "The day government intruded on small business owners."

A record number of Americans now owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing their U.S. citizenship.  These Americans have all been offered safe haven in the country of NicolasCage-istan.

In London, there's a new service that delivers the morning-after pill to your home by bicycle messenger. And, to make sure you don't regret your decision, the pills will be delivered by kids who are obnoxious jerks.

In Japan, a 76-year-old man has spent the last 20 years living naked on a remote island. Now the man is famous for having the least successful Match.com profile ever.

In Brazil, an inmate escaped prison by shaving his arms and legs, applying makeup and wearing his wife's clothing.  The authorities want him back and his cellmate really wants him back.

According to sources, the Tupac hologram that performed at Coachella is set to go on tour. I don't know what the big deal is, my hologram has been hosting this show since December.

President Obama has created a new series of ads aimed at Latinos. The first one boasts that "Just last week, my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women."

The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently, agents were also snorting cocaine. However in the agents' defense, hotels in Columbia offer cocaine in the mini-bar.

Mitt Romney said Secret Service personnel involved in the scandal should be fired for putting "play time" ahead of the nation. I think the real story here is that Mitt Romney describes prostitutes and cocaine as "play time."

Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia, Obama sometimes ate dog meat.  But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats.

The married couple in their 60's who won the Mega Millions lottery said they giggled about it for hours. And by "giggle," they mean nervously plotted to murder each other.

A 13-year-old boy from China will play in an international pro golf tournament. The boy says he has a unique advantage, since he's the one who made the golf ball.

According to a new study, watching porn may "shut down" part of your brain. Specifically the part that tells you, "You're at work and you should pull up your pants."

Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency.  On the bright side, they're going to have one hell of a going away party.

Yesterday, one of the prostitutes involved in the Secret Service scandal said an agent offered her only $30 for an $800 sex act. Apparently, the Secret Service's "secret" is that they are cheap bastards.

The Supreme Court is finally going to hear a case about Janet Jackson flashing her breast at the 2004 Super Bowl.  Of course, it's been 8 years so her breasts no longer hold up in court.

The Jet Blue pilot who was arrested after a midair meltdown last month, will plead that he was temporarily insane.  Which explains Jet Blue's new slogan, "Don't worry, our pilots are only temporarily insane."

A group of parents is suing Apple for deliberately designing apps to be addictive for children. Today, a lawyer for Apple entered a plea of "Duh."

Time Magazine has named its 100 Most Influential People. Actually, it's just a list of the 100 people who still subscribe to Time Magazine.

Japanese researchers have successfully grown hair on a bald mouse. The researchers are ecstatic, and the mouse is relieved he doesn't have to keep wearing that stupid toupee.

Here in Los Angeles, a maintenance worker has been arrested for placing hidden cameras inside fitting rooms at Sears.  The cameras revealed some really embarrassing footage, women in Sears clothing. 

Yesterday, the world's oldest man turned 115.  When asked what he missed most about his youth, the man said hosting "Larry King Live."

I saw Rick Santorum on the news today. He was making sure a pregnant pause reached full term.

30% of all web traffic is porn. That number climbs up to 70% if you count those of us who masturbate to LOL Cats.

I just heard the craziest recording of Mel Gibson. He was speaking in calm and measured tones.

Why are people so impressed by wine cellars but so saddened by my Jagermeister crawlspace?

Mitt Romney is now trying to deflect talk of his wealth by describing his grandfather's humble origins.  Apparently, Mitt's grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back and the dog on his roof.

Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately his new slogan is, "Mitt Romney: I Probably Employ One of Your Cousins."

President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap, as a way to appeal to college students. If that doesn't work, Obama is going to switch to his second proposal: "Hey everybody, free pizza in my room!"

Congress is expanding its investigations into the Secret Service prostitution scandal. Congressmen want to know "How could this happen?" "Who is responsible?" and "Do those ladies take Discover cards?" 

Yesterday was Earth Day.  And apparently today is "Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day."

Kanye West is dating Kim Kardashian and recently had dinner with Kim's whole family. There was an awkward moment when Kim's parents told Kanye they expect him to do the right thing and fake marry their daughter. And get the night on video.

In Austin, Texas, at 4:20 pm on 4/20, Willie Nelson unveiled a statue of himself.  Apparently, the statue was so lifelike, Willie tried to buy weed from it.

The dog whisperer, Cesar Millán, is getting a divorce.  Apparently, his wife caught him whispering in their dog's ear, "Guess what—you're not the only bitch in this house."

The Olive Garden is in trouble for accidentally serving rum to a 10-year-old boy. His parents suspected something was wrong when the boy yelled out, "This is very good Italian food!"

For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy, but because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food.

Megan Fox is pregnant. Which is weird, because I didn't know I could impregnate someone with my thoughts.

Newt Gingrich is reportedly struggling with the question of dropping out of the presidential race.  Gingrich said, "If there's one thing my two ex-wives know about me, it's that I'm not a quitter."

On the campaign trail, Mitt Romney said, "I live for laughter."  Then he looked at his poll numbers among women and had a two hour giggle fit.

Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust. It's the first pizza that comes with your choice of soda or "an intervention."

Justin Bieber sent out a tweet mocking the woman who falsely claimed he fathered her child with the message "You'll never get this."  In response, the woman tweeted, "If you're talking about your hairstyle I already have it."

Take a moment to thank the veterans of our many Storage Wars.

When President Obama stopped at a diner yesterday in Colorado, a young female college student accidentally spilled yogurt on him.  After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Of course, yogurt—that's what I should have said."

Yesterday, Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries.  You see, apparently, when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free.

Yesterday, the Dalai Lama said he loves George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, George W. Bush said, "I love him as a Dalai, but not as a llama."

Burger King announced that all of their chickens and pigs will now be raised cage-free.  In response, chickens and pigs said, "That's cool, now let's talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches."

In New York, Sofia Vergara was denied entrance into a nightclub because she didn't have ID.  Actually, she did but she held it up here.

It's now the law in Southern California that police must screen all adult films to make sure condoms are being used.  Which explains the LAPD's new motto, "To Protect and Perv."

Singer Chris Brown is selling pit bulls on the web. Apparently, he doesn't want to live with anything that can fight back.

The Kardashians signed a deal for 3 more seasons of their reality show. When asked what they plan to do for 3 more seasons, the Kardashians said, "Some Lakers, some Clippers, and a college soccer team."

I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.

In a speech today, Vice President Joe Biden said, "I promise you, the President has a big stick."  In a related story, Joe Biden is now banned from the Congressional gym locker room.

A new Republican attack ad claims that President Obama is too focused on being cool. President Obama hasn't responded to the ad because he was too busy snowboarding with the boy band "One Direction."

Yesterday, Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he's the best.

A college student has launched a group called "African Americans for Romney."  Although, after a few days, he was forced to change the name to "That Black Guy for Romney."

Today is Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Or as it's known at the iPad factory in China, "Bring Your Parents to Work Day."

A doctor just announced that he has, at long last, found the female G-spot.  However, as he made the announcement at the press conference, his wife stood behind him shaking her head "no."

The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are "black and white," "white and Hispanic," and "NBA player and Kardashian."

What will history remember more? Muhammad Ali vs Joe Frazier, or Gavin DeGraw vs Jaleel White?

Easy mistake: instead of renting "Moneyball," I accidentally rented a porn film called "MILF Wranglers VI, Volume II.

Ever get really into playing a video game, only to discover it was just one of those high-tech Japanese toilets?

Hey, say what you will about Donald Trump. Seriously, go ahead.

"The Avengers" had the biggest opening in movie history, beating the record held by "Harry Potter." As a result, filming has begun on the new Harry Potter movie, "Harry Potter Sits in a Theater Watching ‘The Avengers.'"

In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom "Will & Grace" made America more comfortable with gay people.  Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama.

President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The President's exact words were, "I hope I won't have to change my address."

Jay-Z said that his new daughter Blue Ivy, will be the "worst, most spoiled kid ever." When asked for comment, Kanye West's father said, "Bring it."

"Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek may be retiring soon. People suspected Trebek has become too old for the job when he went around asking, "What is…my name?"

France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to.  Their relationship is described as "French."

A new report says that Ikea may have used political prisoners to make some of their furniture. Which explains why the instructions for the new Ikea futon say, "Sure, I'm being tortured, but at least I don't have to put together this futon."

In Colorado, a first grade boy was charged with sexual harassment after he sang the words to a rap song.  In the boy's defense, he does like big butts and he cannot lie.

The Octomom just filmed her first porn movie.  In fact, it had the only opening bigger than The Avengers.

A male massage therapist is claiming that John Travolta sexually harassed him. Apparently, Travolta turned over during the massage, removed his towel, and told the massage therapist to "Get Shorty."

The male masseuse is claiming in court documents that Travolta's penis is "eight inches in length."  Isn't that disgusting—it's 2012, and we're still not on the metric system.

Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney for President at 11:00 o'clock at night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, "Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for President."

Apparently, Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email.  This makes Santorum the ten millionth guy to be ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer.

Today, President Obama's reelection campaign is focusing hard on Latino voters.  That explains President Obama's new campaign slogan: "If You Squint, I Kind Of Look Puerto Rican."

It just came out that taxpayers paid for President George W. Bush's phone bill even when he was out of office and the bill was over $80,000.  Apparently, Bush called 411 thousands of times to ask if Santa was real.

A new report just came out, it reveals the porn capital of America is now Orlando, Florida.  So apparently, Disneyworld isn't the only place in Orlando hiring dwarves.

The Octomom has just finished shooting a porn film. When asked why she did it, she said, "Hey, what's one or two more people inside me?"

I went to see “The Avengers” today and it was sold out. I looked like an idiot dressed like the Hulk during a showing of “Think Like a Man.”

Today President Obama came out in favor of same sex-marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage.  

Yesterday, people in North Carolina voted to ban gay marriage and civil unions. So, if you're gay and you want to get married in North Carolina, you'll just have to pretend you're cousins.

Both President Obama and Mitt Romney are fighting very hard to win over Hispanic voters. Obama keeps pointing to his record on immigration, and Romney keeps pointing to his front lawn and saying, "Nice work, Hay-sus!"

This week, President Obama awarded Burt Bacharach the Gershwin Prize.  Ladies and gentlemen, if that doesn't increase Obama's street cred, nothing will.

Orlando, Florida has been named the porn capitol of America. Which explains why Disneyworld just opened a new attraction called "Mr. Toad's Wild and Unprotected Ride."

Hair stylist Vidal Sassoon died today. He was 84, so it really wasn't sassoon.

The Pentagon refused to provide military hardware to the movie "The Avengers" because they found the movie too unrealistic.  The Pentagon said, "We can't lend them any tanks until they explain why the Hulk's pants don't fall off."

At the Miami Zoo, the orangutans have been given iPads to play with.  So far the orangutans have been using them to draw pictures, solve simple puzzles, and fling their poo.

This baseball season has an upside: my son gets to see the Red Sox I grew up with!

President Obama is in town tonight for a fundraiser at George Clooney's house where dinner is $40,000 a plate.  When Mitt Romney heard this, he said, "That's ridiculous—you can't get a decent meal for $40,000."

President Obama said he came out in favor of gay marriage because his position has evolved and then today, he flew to George Clooney's house.  So apparently, things are evolving a lot faster than anyone expected.

The White House admitted that Vice President Joe Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced President Obama to come out in favor of it. In a related story, millions of young Americans are now trying to get Biden hooked on pot.

Mitt Romney apologized today after it came out that he bullied fellow students back in high school. Apparently, he held a kid down and said over and over again, "Your dad only has one house."

Mitt Romney has issued an apology for some of his high school pranks. Probably the meanest prank was the time Romney bought his high school and fired everyone in it.

This week, a baby was pulled off a plane by the TSA for being a potential terrorist. The action was slammed by parents' groups, and applauded by anyone who's ever flown with a baby.

The bestselling S&M novel "50 Shades of Grey" has been banned from many libraries in Florida.  Isn't that shocking?  They have libraries in Florida.

A town in New Jersey is now fining people who are walking and texting. Of course here in Los Angeles we have our own way of handling people who walk while texting: we run them over.

According to a recent study, redheads have more sex than other people.  Apparently, the study was conducted when I was out of the country.

I just heard someone logging onto AOL. Instead of “You’ve Got Mail” the voice now says, “Greetings, Old Fool!”

I’m just like the Hulk, except when I’m mad, I get dry mouth.

Instead of flowers, I sent my Mom an assortment of unsecured Greek Treasury bonds.

You know who’s behind this big push for gay marriage? The immensely powerful tuxedo industry.

The new issue of "Newsweek" features President Obama on the cover with the caption, "The First Gay President."  Apparently, the new managing editor of Newsweek is a 3rd grade bully.

Earlier today, President Obama went on "The View."  He went on "The View" because they're the only group of women the President trusts his Secret Service agents to be around.

President Obama has said he has Jay-Z on his iPod.  In an effort to keep up, Mitt Romney said he downloaded Nickelback to his Zune.

Fox News' commentator Geraldo Rivera says he was "manually raped" by a TSA agent.  Which explains the TSA's new slogan, "Hey, we finally did something right!"

Soon you will all be able to buy shares of Facebook.  This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged onto Facebook, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich and thought, "Now there's a sound investment."

The head of banking giant JP Morgan has apologized for losing over 2 billion dollars in a bad trade.  This morning he said, "Hey, it could have been worse, we could have signed Albert Pujols."

Researchers are developing a "stay-sober" pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It's perfect for the drinker who wants all of the calories of alcohol, but none of the fun.

In New Jersey, a blind man has won his legal battle and will be allowed to keep his guns.  Unfortunately, he's already in trouble for holding up a mailbox.

A new study suggests that men's brains process sexy women in commercials as objects, not as human beings.  Whatever, all I know is that thing with big boobs told me to buy yogurt. 

The cover of the latest Newsweek features a picture of President Obama with the caption "The First Gay President."  When he heard this, Obama said, "I miss the good old days when they just called me a Muslim."

A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick "an incredibly boring white guy" as his running mate.  When he heard, Joe Biden said, "Thanks, I've already got a gig."

Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers.

An Idaho man says that he was bitten by a rattlesnake at Wal-Mart. The man grew concerned when he saw something at Wal-Mart that was fast-moving and skinny.

The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair.  Luckily, the Dalai Lama had just recently stopped eating hair.

It's being reported that Snooki is considering filming her childbirth.  Of course, the hard part will be getting the camera into the tanning bed.

A janitor has graduated from Columbia University with honors as a Classics major.  With his new degree in Classics, he's now qualified to become a janitor.

There is a new book coming out about Helen Keller's secret love life.  The book is called, "Why do you keep asking me to hold this hot dog?"

Snooki is considering filming her childbirth, on the off chance there’s someone out there who hasn’t seen her vagina yet.

California Gov. Jerry Brown said that the state is now $16 billion in debt. He said it in a speech called, "Seriously, Let's Legalize Pot." 

In a new ad, President Obama calls Mitt Romney's former firm, Bain Capital, a "vampire."  As a result, teenage girls are demanding a movie about Bain Capital.

For the first time ever, the new JC Penney catalogue features a gay couple.  This is historic because it's the first time anyone gay has been spotted wearing clothes from JC Penney.

The CEO of Best Buy has lost his job because of a sex scandal. Apparently, the Best Buy CEO was caught asking a customer to "extend his service package."

Rihanna has unfollowed Chris Brown on Twitter.  Apparently, she suddenly realized he was that Chris Brown.

In a new interview, the Dalai Lama said his biggest fear is getting eaten by sharks. The Dalai Lama said his second biggest fear is getting stuck talking to Richard Gere.

At the Miami Zoo, the orangutans have been given iPads to play with. When the children in China who make the iPads heard the news, they said, "This is bullshit."

According to a recent survey, 14% of people said they think that sex lasts too long. Those people are called, "inmates."

Today, Facebook went public, just as MySpace’s last user went private.

They say “opposites attract” and yet I don’t have the hots for the Tanning Mom.

CBS greenlit a sitcom based on Groupon. Why is TBS stalling on my idea “Val-Pak Buddies?”

A sad moment for civilization: I just bought Greece with an old can of olives.

Today, the price of Facebook shares fell even lower. In fact, at one point this afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg went from being a billionaire to being "still a billionaire."

At their wedding, Mark Zuckerberg's wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000.   That is until the dress went public—now it's worth $2,000.

Only 1 month after the Secret Service prostitute scandal in Colombia, 3 DEA agents are also being accused of hiring hookers in Colombia.  So today the Obama campaign released an ad calling the President "#1 in job creation… in Colombia."

In Mexico, a female politician is running campaign ads that feature her topless.  I just want to say, if this is the way things are headed, I'm really happy that Newt Gingrich is out of the race.

A new report suggests that Christopher Columbus may have secretly been Jewish. What tipped them off was Columbus' diary entry, where he described his journey to America as a real "schlepp."

Bagged salads across the country have been recalled due to contamination fears.  Luckily, this is America so none of the salads were touched.

An Ultimate Fighting Champion has been banned after testing positive for marijuana. People thought he might be stoned when he entered the ring and said, "What are we fighting for, ultimately?"

Khloe Kardashian is refusing to take a paternity test to determine if she's actually a Kardashian. She said, "I think my record of fame without talent speaks for itself."

The inventor of the TV remote control has passed away. As per his wishes, he will be buried between two couch cushions.

This week, the NATO summit was in Chicago, and there were riots in the streets. Chicago police were forced to disperse the crowd with healthy food. Salad shooter

Over the weekend, the first-ever transgender beauty pageant contestant lost the Miss Universe pageant.  She said, "I can't believe after all those operations, I still got the shaft."

A new report suggests that Christopher Columbus may have secretly been Jewish. It also suggests that his three ships were actually named the Nina, the Pinta, and the Seinfeld.

Next month, a new biography is coming out about the life of 300 lb. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The biography's called "Are You Going to Finish That?"

A penthouse in New York City has gone on sale for $90 million. It comes with four bedrooms, three bathrooms and 80 million dollars.

The creators of "Angry Birds" will soon release a line of luxury jewelry based on the characters in the game.  After all, what woman doesn't want to be told "Honey, I saw this string of dirty pigs and thought of you."

In Michigan, an Arby's served a customer a sandwich with a piece of human finger inside. The manager apologized and gave the customer some free hair in his shake.

DC Comics is reporting that one of their main characters will come out soon as gay. Not only that, but the Justice League will be comprised of a cop, a construction worker, and an Indian chief.

A new survey finds that sex is better when you're on vacation. At least that's what my wife emailed me from the Bahamas.

I’m sure the guys Mitt Romney bullied in high school take comfort in knowing he’s now a famous billionaire.

It was reported that U2 singer Bono may have made over a billion dollars from Facebook going public. A spokesman for U2 said the band is still going to tour, but only because the drummer invested heavily in MySpace.

The movie "Battleship," based on the board game "Battleship," had a tough first week at the box office.  It went so poorly, the studio has already suspended production on their new movie, "Yahtzee: The Reckoning."

Al Gore has a new girlfriend who is very devoted to environmental issues.  Gore says his girlfriend's been fighting deforestation by creating new wood.

A new study shows that current members of Congress speak at a tenth grade level. When reached for comment, House Majority leader Eric Cantor said, "Nuh-uh!"

A new report claims that "good cholesterol" may not be as beneficial as previously thought. This is bad news for Dominos' new "Good Cholesterol Stuffed Pizza."

The Miss Universe pageant was last weekend, and the transgender Miss Canada did not win. Apparently, judges were not impressed by her talent, "Having an Adam's apple."

A new smart phone app has been designed to let people know when they are too drunk to drive.  Here's how it works: Your phone calls a cab as soon as you tell it, "I love you, man."

DC Comics is reporting that one of their prominent characters will soon come out as gay. And if that goes well, they're going to change the characters The Watchmen to "The Guys who Really Love to Watch Men."  

This morning I thought I heard a neighbor blasting that new Skrillex song I like, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck.

There was a tropical storm named “Bud?” I assume it’s the first one to threaten the coast wearing a wife beater.

If you’re a fan of old guys and envelopes, Wednesday’s NBA Draft Lottery was the most exciting night in sports.

A six year-old was in the National Spelling Bee Finals. She must be quite prekoshus.

It’s my theory that the Stanley Cup is named after Paul Stanley from Kiss.

On Friday, Mitt Romney disclosed his earnings and he's worth between $190 and $250 million. Romney says there's a $60 million discrepancy because there's still one pair of jeans where he hasn't checked the pockets.

Some conservatives are urging Mitt Romney to choose a Latino running mate.  Romney said he's torn between his gardener and his other gardener. 

President Obama wrote a note for a 5th grader who skipped school so that he could hear him give a speech. At first the boy's teacher was suspicious because the note was signed, "Billy's President."

Donald Trump said that he is not racist because he hired Arsenio Hall as his "Celebrity Apprentice."  Because nothing proves you're not racist like hiring a black man to work for you for free.

Guards at Guantanamo Bay tried to coerce inmates into giving information by playing them songs from Sesame Street.  It worked—one prisoner broke down and confessed, "Rubber Ducky—HE's the one!"

New research shows that elderly people emit a distinct odor. The study was conducted by two guys stuck in an elevator with Larry King.

DC Comics has revealed that the Green Lantern is gay.  Of course, it's not a huge surprise considering he's the only superhero who gets his powers from his emerald jewelry.

Officials in the city of LA have said if the LA Kings win the Stanley Cup, there are currently no plans for a public celebration.  Not to worry though, Lakers fans have offered to riot on their behalf.

Last night in LA, Kings fans taunted New Jersey Devils fans with giant cardboard cutouts of Jersey Shore characters. Sadly, then New Jersey tried to taunt LA fans with cardboard cutouts of constant sunshine and legal marijuana.

Yesterday, Bill Clinton told a crowd, "Remember me? I'm the guy who gave you four surplus budgets." To which the crowd replied, "That's not what we remember you for."

Facebook may change its accounts policy and allow kids under 13 to join. When they heard this, Chinese officials said, "Great – now our workers will never get anything done."

Mel Gibson's father has filed for divorce. I hope his parents make it clear to Mel, it's not his fault—it's the Jews.

According to a new survey, women who have breast augmentation have better sex.  The study was conducted by men who answer their wives' surveys.

This week, the Vatican denounced a nun who declared her support for masturbation.  The Vatican has ordered the nun into seclusion, which sounds pretty good to her. 

Why do other parents give me dirty looks when I have my son assemble an M-16 blindfolded?

Tonight, the LA Kings could win the Stanley Cup. People here in Los Angeles haven't been this excited since they watched their first hockey game on Monday.

There's a rumor that President Obama is going to stop by tonight's LA Kings hockey game.  The President doesn't want to draw attention to himself, he just wants to blend in with all the other black Hawaiian hockey fans.

Someone hacked into Mitt Romney's email account after correctly guessing the answer to his security question.  Apparently, the question was "Who was your First Grade Teacher?" and Romney responded, "Who cares, I've got 200 million dollars."

It's was revealed that Mitt Romney's email address is mittromney@hotmail.com.  In other words, the guy who's trying so hard to prove he's in touch is still using Hotmail.

Today, the Olympic torch entered Ireland.  The torch was only in Ireland for three hours, but somehow it managed to punch a cop and get two girls pregnant.

Some experts are saying the "morning-after" pill has become so politically divisive, it should be given a different name. Right now the name conservatives are pushing is, "Flintstone Chewables for Sluts."

DC Comics has announced that the Green Lantern is their first major superhero who's gay.  When reached for comment, Aquaman said, "Yeah, maybe on land, bitch."

DC Comics has announced that the Green Lantern is gay. Not to be outdone, Marvel Comics has started having the Incredible Hulk smash through walls using "jazz hands."

The Octomom's appearance at a strip club has been canceled.  Apparently, they realized those weren't tassels spinning on her nipples, those were babies.

Taco Bell is launching a new upscale menu at all of their locations. Which is good news for anyone who's ever wanted to experience classy diarrhea

None of the new interns are ticklish, so that was awkward.

This week in London, Queen Elizabeth wore earplugs at the concert honoring her 60th year on the throne. The earplugs weren't for the loud music, but because Prince Charles kept screaming, "Die already!"

Vice President Joe Biden's wife Jill Biden has written a children's book. It's called "Green Eggs and Help, My Husband Won't Stop Talking."

It's been reported that Facebook pays their interns $74,000 a year. In a related story, our interns get paid in warm Orange Shasta. 

This week, Glenn Beck mocked Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour for her aristocratic accent and for being the "devil." The comment sent shockwaves throughout the entire town of Whocaresville, USA.

A new study claims that coffee drinkers live longer than people who don't drink coffee.  Of course, coffee drinkers waste all of those extra years waiting in line at Starbucks.

Comedian Bill Maher has purchased a minority share of the New York Mets.  Maher says he's changing the team name from the Mets to the Smirking Atheists.

After only 10 weeks on the market, Taco Bell has sold 100 million Doritos Locos Tacos. Today, the CEO of Taco Bell said he is "pleased," while the CEO of Charmin Toilet Paper said he is "ecstatic."

The New Yorker sent out Jennifer Egan’s new story one tweet at a time. Similarly, all my tweets comprise a complex nacho recipe/suicide note.

How many baby carrots offset five adult cupcakes?

Last weekend was "Ribfest" and this week is "Bike to Work" Week.  Which means next week is "I Just Broke My Bike With My Fat Ass" Week.

Illinois State Rep. Derrick Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to 4 years as the state's governor.

It's being reported that Kanye West is getting ready to propose to Kim Kardashian. Today Kanye said, "I can't wait to marry Kim and get started making the worst family on Earth."

British Prime Minister, David Cameron, has admitted he accidentally left his 8 year old daughter in a pub.  Cameron was immediately named an honorary citizen of Chicago.

I'm having a hard time calling the Sears Tower "Willis Tower"—it just feels wrong. It's like calling The Olive Garden an "Italian restaurant."

The world's largest and best preserved Tyrannosaurus Rex currently resides at Chicago's Field Museum. The T Rex is so old it was found wearing a Cubs World Series ring.

Two great things happened for Los Angeles last night.  First, the LA Kings won their first-ever Stanley Cup.  Second, LA discovered they have a hockey team.

A new book reveals that Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel had a key role in the killing of Osama bin Laden.  In other words, if I were you, I'd pay that parking ticket.

The Chicago City Council voted to allow produce sellers to set up fruit and vegetable stands all over the city. The City Council called the pro-vegetable law a "victory," while everyone else in Chicago called it an "unprecedented attack on our lifestyle."

President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend.  Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the "Just for Laughs" Festival.

On their first date, President Obama reportedly took his wife Michelle to the Art Institute of Chicago.  Meanwhile, on their first date, Mitt Romney bought his wife the Art Institute of Chicago.

Yesterday, the Chicago Cubs fired their hitting coach.  Isn't that incredible?  The Cubs had a hitting coach.

This week, Oprah Winfrey will interview 8 members of the Kardashian family.  It's in an episode of Oprah Winfrey's show entitled, "I Can't Believe It's Come to This."

Nude photos of Snooki have surfaced online.  It's either that, or pictures of a bright orange basketball being inflated.

Yesterday, burglars broke into Kanye West's home.  As a result, 500 marble statues of Kanye West are missing. They're nudes, all of them.

A Chicago woman is planning to sue the police, after she was tasered despite being pregnant. The woman is suing on behalf of her newborn baby boy, "Zeus, God of Lightning."

Showtime announced it's canceling the marijuana-themed show.  Fans of "Weeds" were so upset they almost did something.

The city with the highest per capita consumption of Twinkies is none other than, you guessed it, Chicago.  The study appeared in the latest issue of "No Shit, Sherlock Magazine."

Yesterday during a Mitt Romney speech in Ohio, protesters kept shouting, "Romney go home."  Luckily for Romney, he owned three homes nearby.

President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country.  Or as FoxNews reported it, "Obama Issues Order Allowing Himself to Stay in the Country."

In Utah, for the first time ever, a black female Mormon Republican is running for Congress.  According to recent polls, she has a slight lead over her opponent, a gay Muslim unicorn. Name's Rainbow Sprinkle.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says that his blood pressure, cholesterol, and asthma are under control. He said, "I'm as healthy as every other 600 pound man from New Jersey."

Microsoft made a big announcement today, when they unveiled their version of the iPad. The actual announcement was, "You're probably not going to buy this."

The Nobel Prize committee is going to drastically reduce the money awarded to the winners.  After hearing the news, the Dalai Lama said, "This is bullshit."

On the set of her new movie, Lindsay Lohan has been treated for exhaustion.  Also being treated for exhaustion, the guy who does the body work on Lohan's car.

A new brand of frozen burrito is being marketed as a snack for people high on marijuana. The marketing consists of just labeling it "A burrito."

The theory behind the Freudian slip has been scientifically proven after 111 years. I don't know about you, but I think that's the breasts news I've heard all week.

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Kim Kardashian revealed that she lost her virginity when she was 14 years old. Kim said, "I'm soooo glad I waited."

There's talk that the Supreme Court may issue their decision on health care reform on live television. To boost ratings, each judge will give their decision after spinning around in their chair to face the camera.

President Obama has issued an order allowing some illegal immigrants to stay in the U.S.  Mitt Romney says he's fine with this plan, at least until his landscaping is finished.

Several male politicians have banned a female politician from speaking on the House floor because she used the word "vagina." It's not that they don't want her to say it—it's that they want her to say it slower while unbuttoning her blouse.  

Yesterday, Microsoft unveiled a new tablet called Surface. Microsoft says it chose the name "Surface" because it's a great place to put your iPad.

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Kim Kardashian said she fell into a "deep depression" because of her divorce.  Then, Oprah Winfrey said she fell into a deep depression because she was interviewing Kim Kardashian.

Adidas is discontinuing a pair of sneakers that critics are calling "racist."  So today may be your last chance to buy a pair of "Air Mel Gibsons."

Researchers have found that several baby shampoos can cause newborns to test positive for marijuana. So moms, think twice before you wash your baby's hair with Pantene's "Green Apple Ganja Stank."

A Belgian man has built an exact replica of Luke Skywalker's childhood home.  When asked what his wife thinks, the man said, "Wife, that's a good one.

At a hospital in England, a girl finally came out of her coma after Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" came on the radio. Witnesses say she opened her eyes and said, "I'm so sick of that song."

The Red Sox are in last place. The Nationals are in first. I'm ready for you, locusts.

The Obama campaign has unveiled a new ad designed to target Hispanics. It's basically the president saying, "Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden."

On the premiere of her new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother.  In response, John McCain said, "Leave me alone, I'm having a drink."

It's being reported that the United States military has created tiny drones the size and shape of insects.  These tiny drones don't kill anybody, but they can totally ruin Al Qaeda's annual summer picnic.

Next week, Hillary Clinton will travel to her 100th country.  And in each country, upon landing, her first question is, "Have you seen my husband?"

Yesterday, it was reported that the US Navy recovered 19 tons of marijuana that had been dumped in to the ocean.  Then, two hours later, the United States Navy invaded Taco Bell.

Olympic officials are considering banning women athletes who are considered too masculine.  They decided this after a relay race when one of the female runners reached back and grabbed what she thought was a baton.

Incredible heat wave on the East Coast.  People are so desperate for air conditioning that someone was actually spotted going into a theatre to see "Rock of Ages."

Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community.  The White House said the President is unable to comment because he's busy watching Telemundo and eating Chalupas.

Today, Mitt Romney tried to win over a skeptical Hispanic audience in Florida. Unfortunately, Romney set the wrong tone when he came out and tossed the crowd his car keys.

It's being reported that stories on the internet about Mitt Romney do not get a lot of web traffic.  So today, Romney solved the problem by legally changing his name to MILF Romney.

The Supreme Court has decided not to fine broadcast networks for "fleeting expletives" or momentary nudity.  So looks like "Wheel of Fortune" is about to get a lot more interesting.

Today, the Supreme Court ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity.  So, by popular demand, "The View" is now a radio show. 

It's being reported that Kim Kardashian's mother was the one who ordered her to make the sex tape that made her famous. She said if Kim didn't do it, she was going to get a spanking, and if she did do it, she was going to get a spanking.

The Octomom has been hired as a spokesperson for a service that lends money. They chose the Octomom because their slogan is, "There's no hole too deep to climb out of."

Apparently Zynga is bringing their hit app "Draw Something" to TV. I hope this won't affect my forthcoming show, "Instagram Nights".

My wife can always tell I'm lying because I break down in tears and scream, "I'm lying!"

Good Humor has announced a shortage of Chocolate Eclairs and King Cones. I blame Obama.

My family back east is dealing with the heat wave the old-fashioned way: resenting it until it goes away.

In a new campaign ad, the Obamas say that, on their first date, they saw Spike Lee's "Do the Right Thing." Meanwhile, on Mitt and Ann Romney's first date, they saw a guy who looked like Spike Lee and immediately called the police.

President Obama called Mitt Romney a "pioneer" of outsourcing jobs. A spokesman for Romney said, "I dare him to come here to India and say that to my face."

The Supreme Court has affirmed that corporations can spend as much money on political campaigns as they want. This decision was praised by Senator Chevron P. MountainDew.

Yesterday, thousands of people marched through the streets of New York City for the Gay Pride Parade. Or as New Yorkers call it, "The Outdoor Tony Awards."

Last week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton wore a string of Mardi Gras beads to a swearing in ceremony. The State Department called Hillary's gesture, "light-hearted," while Bill Clinton called it, "20 years too late."

A new kind of cosmetic surgery for women removes body fat and redistributes it to the breasts. If you're interested in the procedure, just go to your doctor and ask for the "Win/Win."

In Pennsylvania, four people were arrested for committing a drive-by water gun attack. If convicted, they could face up to two years in a federal bouncy castle.

It's being reported that Madonna has her dressing rooms sterilized after she leaves, to remove all traces of her DNA. Which finally proves what I've been saying since 1985: Madonna is a serial killer.

Now that business is down, the CEO of Olive Garden says he's going to now "elevate the guest experience."   So, from now on, Olive Garden's going to allow customers to bring food in from other restaurants. 

Porn star Jenna Jameson has been charged with DUI. In a related story, the breathalyzer she blew into had the greatest night of its life. At least the cops told her it was a breathalyzer.

Mitt Romney’s trying so hard to connect with the Latino community, today he had himself deported.

The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney's running mate will be a white male from Ohio.  Or as Romney refers to him, "a person of color."

Today, Joe Biden said that the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China.  This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Jinbao.

Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos has been named the #1 most visionary person on the Internet. Coming in at #2, the guy who first said, "I'm going to post a picture of my junk."

This year, for the first time ever, Saudi Arabia will allow women to compete in the Summer Olympics.  The rumor is that Saudi women are excellent runners because they're not allowed to drive.

In six states, bagged salads sold at Wal-Mart have been recalled. The salad recall affects approximately 100 Wal-Mart stores and zero Wal-Mart customers.

In July, some McDonald's workers will debut their new uniforms, inspired by the TV show "Mad Men."  Also inspired by the 1960s— their wages.

Scientists are on the verge of inventing a male birth control patch. Here's how it works, you put on the patch and it reminds you to tell your girlfriend to take her birth control pill.

Experts say there's a rising trend of Hooters-style restaurants in the United States, or as they're officially known, "Breastaraunts." Can you believe people called them "Breastaraunts"— I prefer the more dignified term, "Gazongaterias."

Katy Perry’s starting her own record label. It will be the first one that releases both CDs and C-DDs.

On Friday, the iPhone turns 5 years old.  In other words, the iPhone is officially old enough to build an iPhone.

Today, the FDA approved a new anti-obesity drug.  To make sure Americans take it, it comes with a side of onion rings. 

A boxing promoter has offered Drake and Chris Brown $1 million to settle their differences in the ring. Chris Brown said the fight will never happen, unless he and Drake start dating.

A new study shows that posting on Facebook is as enjoyable as sex. The study was conducted by people who are either really bad at sex or way too good at Facebook.

It's being reported that, last night in New York, Charlie Sheen trashed his hotel room.  Isn't that amazing?  People are still renting hotel rooms to Charlie Sheen.

Today in Manhattan, a woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy while riding the subway.  Which, by the way, made him the sixth guy on that subway today to show his penis. 

According to reports, yesterday, the Kardashians went shopping for a family cemetery plot.  The Kardashians plan on dying as they've lived, lying on their backs doing nothing.

I’m going to try one of those Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos, just as soon as I’ve finished recording my living will.

According to a new report, marijuana is the most popular drug on earth.  So better luck next year, bath salts that make you eat someone else's face.

A man has filed a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian and Kanye West claiming they have ties to Al Qaeda. When Al Qaeda heard this, they said, "Please do not lump us in with those maniacs!"

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn't like "an S.O.B." Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like "a B.L.T."

A company has come out with a wedding ring guaranteed to keep the man from cheating. Mostly because the ring doesn't go on the man's finger.

Just blew my chance to be on the cover of “Cigar Aficionado” with an uncontrollable coughing fit.

Hey, is it too late to stake me in the World Series of Poker? It’s $10,000, and I’ll lose, but I’ll wear a windbreaker with your name on it.

Justin Bieber’s new album is not selling as well as expected. Think how bad it would be doing if I hadn’t bought 50,000 copies.

Jenny McCarthy is on her seventh nude spread. Wow, I’ve only done five.

I can’t decide whether to join Chris Brown or Drake’s entourage. Which one offers dental?

The rumor is Mitt Romney is getting overconfident. At least, that was the talk today at the Romney Presidential Library.

Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called “50 Shades of Just O.K.”

Just ate at Poquito Mas. Not one person there was poquito.

Lots of people buy “2000 Flushes”, but I’m probably the only one who counts every one of them.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

We can all help cure our dependence on foreign oil by becoming depressed and sleeping most of the day.

My wife is so cute, always clearing her browser history and throwing the computer out a window when I walk in the room.

It's quiet today in LA. Reminds me of the day the Kings won the Stanley Cup.

A lot of Americans are upset because it was revealed that the US Olympic Team's outfits were made in China. To protest, many people have been taking down their American flags and mailing them back to the flag factory in China.

On Friday, Oprah Winfrey interviewed Mitt Romney. The two talked about politics, foreign policy and what it's like to lose a million dollars in the couch cushions.

According to a new report that just came out, the average Canadian is now richer than the average American.  This is bad news for Americans & worse news for those Mexicans who now have to tunnel all the way to Canada.

Bree Olson revealed that Charlie Sheen used to tweet during sex.  So, if you've ever retweeted Charlie Sheen, you should probably see a doctor.

Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae.  It comes with whipped cream and a note that says ‘Do Not Resuscitate."

The world's heaviest woman is trying to lose weight by having more sex.  In fact, she just hooked up with the world's drunkest man.

Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler are quitting American Idol. Apparently, Lopez want to focus on her music and Tyler plans to star in a remake of "The Golden Girls."

It's being reported that Jennifer Lopez decided to leave American Idol because of Steven Tyler's departure. She said, "I don't want to be the only woman judge."

Yesterday at a basketball game, President and Michelle Obama were caught off guard by the kiss-cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off guard by the "Show Us Your Tax Returns" cam.

Since becoming Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton has spent over 300 days out of the country. President Obama called her travel record, "inspiring," and Bill Clinton called it, "20 years too late."

Everybody's ok, but yesterday, Katie Holmes car was hit by a garbage truck. Cops are still looking for the driver of the truck, who was described as "Tom Cruise."

Yahoo's new CEO Marrisa Mayer is 6 months pregnant. Apparently, she was able to hide her pregnancy by only posting it on Yahoo.

Apple has announced it will be unveiling a new, smaller iPad that they say is aimed at women.  Not to be outdone, Amazon announced it will soon unveil the "Vibrating Kindle."

In a new interview, Elton John said he never announced he was gay because he assumed it was "common knowledge."  He was correct.

Some of the most popular baby names of the year are from the HBO show Game of Thrones.  Which explains the popular new girls' name, "Gratuitous Nudity."

Larry King has launched a new talk show that will appear only on the internet. Larry said, "I've always dreamed of having a show that I have no idea how to watch."

Today, the Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed its ban on gays. A spokesman for the Scouts said, "There's a right way and a wrong way to rub two sticks together."

I suspected the U.S. Olympics team uniforms were made in China when I noticed the pants didn’t have a cup holder.

According to a brand new poll, 70% of Latinos said they plan to vote for President Obama.  The other 30% would, but Mit Romney won't give them the day off work to vote.  Let's just say he's got a big lawn.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has been awarded the highest rank in the country's military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary Speaker Kim Jong-un to Opposition Leader Kim Jong-un. Still no word from soccer star— Kim Jong-un.

At this year's Republican convention, Chris Christie has reportedly agreed to give the key note address.  When reached for comment, Christie said, "Keynote? I thought they said ‘key lime.'"

Yesterday, the fast food chain Chick-fil-A announced that it is officially against gay marriage.  And, folks, wait till you hear what Popeye's Chicken says about stem cell research.

Mark Hamill, who played Luke Skywalker, is warning voters that Mitt Romney is not human. However, on the other side of the aisle, Yoda has been saying, "Obama In America Born Wasn't."

An Ikea in Brooklyn has become a favorite spot for teenagers to have sex. It's the first reported instance of someone at an Ikea managing to put two parts together.

The world's heaviest woman is trying to lose weight by having more sex. Meanwhile, her husband is trying to lose weight by running like hell.

500-year old lingerie has been found in a castle in Austria.  Then today, it was returned to Barbara Walters.

In San Francisco a man famous for having one of the largest penises on record was frisked by TSA agents after they suspected he was hiding something in his pants.  So, folks, I guess now I should explain what I was doing in San Francisco.

Look for me on next week’s episode of "Breaking Bad." I play a beaker of thorium oxide.

In London, athletes at the Olympics are being issues 15 condoms each. So now every athlete's dream is to return home with a gold medal and no condoms.

An Olympic sharp-shooter from Malaysia will be 8 months pregnant when she competes in her event. The sharp-shooter's first target will be the bastard who knocked her up.

The Democrats have apologized for using Mitt Romney's horse in an ad. Still, you gotta love any ad that ends with, "I'm Mitt Romney's horse, and I approve this message."

The United States Postal Service is about to default on a 5.5 billion payment. The Post Office claims they made the payment, but the check got lost in the mail. 

A group of Burger King employees have been fired for taking a photo of themselves with their feet in the restaurant's lettuce. A spokesman for Burger King said, "Great – There goes our secret recipe."

It's been reported that Modern Family's Sofia Vergara is now the highest paid woman on television.  Yet, sadly, she still can't afford shirts that fit.

Inspired by the success of "50 Shades of Grey," a company is releasing erotic versions of classic literary works.  So now, in "The Old Man and the Sea,"  the old man doesn't just catch the fish.

According to a professor at Stanford, playing video games and watching porn will lead to the demise of the male species. Isn't that amazing— I had no idea my mother was a professor at Stanford.

My biggest problem with these bath salt cannibal attacks is believing Americans would willingly eat lean meat.

Athletes at the Olympics are being issued 15 condoms each. Or as the men’s table tennis players put it, “14 condoms too many."

It leaked out that the London Olympics' opening ceremony will include a showdown between Voldemort and Mary Poppins. The winner then goes on to a battle to the death with Thomas the Tank Engine.

Today, Michelle Obama said that the Olympics can inspire American kids to get active.  Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.

Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said that they will not fast during the London Olympics. Then after sampling the British food they said, "On second thought, fasting sounds good."

Many people are criticizing the London Olympics mascot for being creepy, because it has just one huge eye that looks like a camera.  Also not helping is its catchphrase, "I can see you on the toilet."

The poverty rate in the US is at its highest since the 1960s. It's gotten so bad, today, Mitt Romney's butler had to let his butler go.

A strip club in Tampa is luring Republicans with a Sarah Palin look-a-like. The woman is identical to Sarah Palin in every way, except the stripper has a tangible skill.

Last week at a Tony Robbins seminar, several people burned their feet while walking over hot coals.  And thanks to the Tony Robbins seminar these people now feel empowered enough to sue Tony Robbins.

A member of Best Buy's Geek Squad is in trouble for copying racy photos off a customer's iPhone & inviting her to his home to retrieve them. Best Buy has fired him from the Geek Squad & hired him for the Perv Patrol.

In Oregon, a man broke into three homes and looked at porn on the computer. Either that, or three husbands in Oregon came up with the exact same excuse.

It's been reported that the opening ceremony will feature an epic showdown between Voldemort and Mary Poppins. Then the main event: a fight to the death between two of the Spice Girls.

It's been reported that the opening ceremonies will include a video of James Bond and Queen Elizabeth. The bad news is—  it's a sex video.

To help clean up London before the Olympics, local police have closed down over 80 brothels. Apparently the brothels go against the Olympic spirit of amateur competition.

Holley Mangold, a 350-pound Olympic weight lifter, says she's afraid of plastic chairs. When asked for comment, plastic chairs said, "Not as afraid as we are."

A hotel in England is placing a copy of the book, "50 Shades of Grey" in every room. Don't get excited though—  over there, "50 Shades of Grey" is the name of a British cookbook.

Some experts say President Obama's campaign may come down to the Jewish voters in Florida. Which explains why today Obama announced his new running mate, Barbara Streisand.

Yesterday, President Obama gave a speech in Oakland and hundreds of people showed up to voice their support for medical marijuana.  And by show up, I mean wandered in four hours late.

Today, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for eroding America's standing in the world. Romney said, "I want to make America the kind of country that I could one day deposit my money in."

A cyberattack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing their computers to play songs by AC/DC. Today the attackers said, "If our demands aren't met, tomorrow we'll start blasting Nickelback."

A new report claims a third of the births in the US are unintended. The study was conducted in the house I grew up in.

Reportedly, there are many trucking jobs that no one wants. Trucking Industry: make trucking more like the battle at the end of "Mad Max II."

Yesterday, the Los Angeles City Council voted to shut down all of LA's medical marijuana dispensaries. So, I guess no one in Los Angeles will ever smoke pot again.

A new study suggests that President Obama's emails are more personal than Mitt Romney's. Romney's usually end with, "Best regards, Mitt," while the President's usually end with, "I killed Osama bin Laden."

A United Nations commission has called for the worldwide legalization of prostitution.  This idea is getting a lot of support from the global humanitarian group, "Pimps Without Borders."

It's been revealed that North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-un, recently got married. So, congratulations to Kim Jong-un and his new wife, Katie Holmes!

The cast of "Modern Family" have delayed production for the new season due to a contract dispute.  Meanwhile, Andy and I are still asking TBS for a urinal cake in the men's room.

A health group is concerned about a growing trend of women getting surgery to create "designer vaginas." However, for women on a budget, there's also the popular "Old Navy Vagina."

It’s reported that Kim Jong-un got married. He’s registered at the local, “Bed, Bath and Other Things They Don’t Have in North Korea.”

In Ancient Greece, all Olympic athletes competed in the nude. And to honor that tradition, that's how I plan on watching the Olympics.

The London Olympics start tomorrow night. The games don't even start for another 24 hours, but Greece is already 14 Gold medals in debt.

This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's Beach Volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing.  The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of Buzzkill-astan.

The cast of "Modern Family" have delayed production for the new season due to a contract dispute. I think I speak on behalf of men everywhere when I say, "Give Sofia Vergara whatever she wants."

A recent study shows that smoking marijuana can help eliminate diarrhea.  The finding was called "significant" by doctors and a "win-win" by Taco Bell.

It’s hard to believe that the greatest division in American politics these days is "pro-" or "anti-Chick-fil-A."

Mitt Romney is at the Olympics. Mitt said he loves watching people from other countries work for no money.

The Olympics are being streamed online, so last night at 3 a.m. I tried to convince my wife I was on the computer watching archery.

So far China has won the most gold medals.  The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.

Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. In fact, yesterday, officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans, or 8 Americans.

Some people are saying the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing well is because he let himself get too out of shape.  I just have to say, if that guy's out of shape, I've been dead for five years. 

Olympic officials said that attendees are tweeting so much it's crashing their mobile networks. Apparently, it's due to all the teenage girls with "Al Michaels Fever."

The Mitt Romney campaign is still trying to do damage control after remarks that Romney made while in the UK. Probably his worst gaffe was when he visited Buckingham Palace and said to Queen Elizabeth, "You call this a house?"

Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was in Jerusalem and slipped a prayer into the crack in the Wailing Wall. And while he was at it, he also stuffed in $3 million of taxable income.

Today, a blackout in India left 370 million people without power.  And that was just on one block.

Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon, donated $2.5 million dollars to support the legalization of gay marriage. In fact, today I was on Amazon and no matter what I tried to buy it said, "You might also like ‘Men.'"

In New York, a couple who divorced 50 years ago are getting remarried. And believe me, there is nothing hotter than half-century-old make up sex.

He's going to be okay, but in New York, a man fell down a 40-foot gorge trying to sneak into a Nickelback concert.  Doctors told the man, "It could have been worse, you could have made it into the concert."

According to a new study, 34% of men say they have faked an orgasm. The study was conducted by the Institute of Women Who Don't Really Know How a Penis Works.

People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. This afternoon NBC apologized, saying, "We're just not used to people watching our network."

Olympics officials have determined that it's too cold for the women's beach volleyball competitors to wear bikinis. In a related story, today Bill Clinton came out in favor of global warming.

An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming.

Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia's 1st female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman says she's thrilled about the ruling and all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.

Some conservatives are saying that Mitt Romney's trip overseas was a disaster and he should have stayed home.  In response, Romney said, "But some of my favorite homes are overseas."

Some historians now believe President Obama is directly descended from a slave. When he heard this, Donald Trump immediately demanded to see the receipt.

Over the weekend, Lady Gaga published partially nude photos of herself on the Internet.  Lady Gaga's fans wrote back saying, "Thanks but we're gay."

Yesterday, Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals.  Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of "Jersey Shore."

Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So, tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.

Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose. But really, if you trained day and night for 4 years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way haven't you already lost?

US Swimming star Ryan Lochte has sparked a controversy by wearing a grill designed by a rapper.  Not only that, Lochte times his races with a big clock around his neck.

The US team has swept all the medals in the Skeet Shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an invasion of Skeets.

In Texas, a Tea Party candidate who's Hispanic has won the Republican Senate Nomination.  His campaign slogan is "I Hate Me."

A House Republican has compared the new law requiring free birth control for women to Pearl Harbor. When asked to clarify, he said, "Both involve unplanned early-morning invasions."

A company has come out with a bra designed to look like an xBox game controller.  Great – now that's two things I'm not sure how to work.

A company is now selling "Breaking Bad" rock candy that looks just like crystal meth. The company says the candy is a fun way for kids to pretend they're a terminally ill chemistry teacher who's gone insane.

A controversial new novel depicts a world where black people rule over white people. It's called, "True Stories of the NBA."

Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the Dressage event today. Which is a shame, because if there's one thing that family needs, it's MORE GOLD!

Ann Romney's Olympic horse is named "Rafalca." When asked why she picked Rafalca, she said, "I needed a silly name that no one's ever heard of before and "Mitt" was taken."

Olympic Champion Ryan Lochte says the best way to pick-up a woman is to wink at her.  This was in an article was entitled, "Things That Only Work For Ryan Lochte."

A former US Olympic swimmer— in an interview—  said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently, I am an elite competitive swimmer.

Many people are in uproar about a rumor that the iPhone 5 is gonna cost $800. Apparently, the iPhone 5 is just an iPhone 4 with $500 taped to the back.

In Mexico, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West went zip lining with the creator of "Girls Gone Wild." Unfortunately, no one was harmed.

Why no TV coverage of my favorite Olympic event, the 300-meter Self-Recrimination?

The media is way more interested in Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson than in me cheating on my cholesterol test.

This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.

Other than candy, ice cream, honey, sugar, and sugar substitutes, is there anything sweeter than the love of your family?

Last night, NASA broadcast live footage of their rover making its dramatic landing on Mars. Then 8 hours later, NBC showed it.

It was a risky mission that NASA scientists dubbed "7 Minutes of Terror." NASA scientists named the mission after that time a woman tried to talk to them in the hallway.

During an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Michael Phelps said, "everybody pees in the pool." Then he dropped his pants and said, "But only a champion pees during an interview with the Wall Street Journal."  

An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, "What are we fighting for, man?"

Mitt Romney is claiming he will create 12 million jobs in his first term.  However, Romney hasn't said yet whether he'll create those jobs in China or India – he's still thinking.

A new ad from the Obama campaign claims that Mitt Romney is out of touch when it comes to women's issues. Today, Mitt Romney said, "I'm not out of touch with women's issues— just ask my wife, Mrs. Mitt Romney."

Yesterday, Elton John said that Madonna is a nightmare who looks like a "fairground stripper." I don't know about you, but I hate to see two gay men fighting.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say Americans should be free to marry any chicken sandwich they choose.

Today a member of the US Rowing Team who won a bronze medal is accused of having an erection while on the medal stand. The rower's claiming his penis wasn't erect - It was just standing for the national anthem. 

Michael Phelps's girlfriend is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles.  In other words, like every other model in LA she's dating an older, retired guy. 

Just before his record-breaking 100 meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently, he timed his meal so that when the race started, he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.

Olympics officials have disqualified a champion racewalker after determining that he was doping. The man says getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion racewalker.

Ann Romney's horse, Rafalca, did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently, it was beat out by a smooth talking socialist horse from Kenya.

Today, scientists at NASA released the Mars Rover's first video. Sadly, it's the Rover's audition tape for "American Idol."

Mayor Bloomberg said that, now that he's banned large sodas in New York City, his next target will be alcohol.  Once that's out of the way, he'll start his crusade against the laughter of children.

A new study says that you can tell if man is gay by how much his pupils dilate when he sees an image of a naked man. Also by whether or not he shouts "Me likey!"

A political analyst for CNN compared the level of bickering between the 2 presidential candidates to fighting on the "Real Housewives" shows.  After hearing this, President Obama said, "Don't blame me, blame that lying bitch Mitt Romney."

A study shows that 16% of Olympic gold medalists cry on the podium.  Meanwhile, 1% of bronze medalists get an erection.

A German Olympic diver did one of the worst dives ever, and got a score of 0.0. To try and save face, halfway through the dive, he yelled, "CANNONBALL!!!"

In Russia, President Putin is being challenged by a feminist punk-rock group called "Pussy Riot." And by the way - fun fact; "Pussy Riot" was the name they almost went with for "The View."

The Jersey Shore's Pauly D reportedly made $11 million last year. So the lesson here is, kids, don't stay in school.

In Pennsylvania, a burglar broke into 3 homes and performed oral sex on three sleeping men.  Charges are being pressed by no one.

All that talk of swimmers peeing in the pool makes me want to be the first leg of the relay.

Today, the US Women's Soccer team won the gold medal.  All of us in America are happy for the athletes and thrilled we don't have to watch soccer for four more years.

As of now, the US is leading China in both number of gold medals and number of total medals.  In response, China said, "That's nice but we still have all your money."

It's being reported that Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte might be the next "Bachelor." He's the perfect choice – He'll give the winner a rose, and then pee in her pool.

It's being reported that Adele may perform at the Olympic closing ceremony. It should be pretty emotional and stirring, because a few years ago, the Olympics broke up with her.

Olympics corporate sponsors are upset that the athletes are using unauthorized brands of condoms.  The angriest sponsor is McDonald's who issued two kinds– "Regular" and "McRibbed For Her Pleasure."

After studying photos taken by the NASA space rover, scientists are saying that Mars resembles California.  Both have little water, large mountains,  and the possibility of hidden aliens.

A man who ordered a television off of Amazon, was shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere, a hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch "Real Housewives of New Jersey." 

Divers off the coast of Italy have discovered a 2,000-year-old shipwreck that is so well preserved, even the food is intact. The food was carefully extracted from the wreck and immediately served at the nearest Olive Garden.

It was 100 degrees today. I haven’t seen 3 digits since I visited my old shop teacher.

A new study says men’s brains order the body to fall asleep after sex. Still no word on what makes women fall asleep during sex. Me cry now.

Took the kids to see “Ice Age 4”, and they asked why I wasn’t cast as the snow-covered stick.

I’m pretty sure this on-hold music I’m listening to is a medley of “Satan’s Favorites”.

Twitter is a nonstop series of pointless arguments by people I don’t care about. It's like Thanksgiving.

Should I be worried? My son just filed the serial number off his squirt gun.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if the price of wood made chucking prohibitively expensive?

Whom or who should I ask about whether to use whom or who in a sentence?

Just spared my 8 year old son years of teasing and a lifetime of therapy by buying him a BOY'S BIKE. Hear that, DAD? A BOY'S BIKE!!

The factory that makes fake vomit is still in Illinois. #USA

Mitt Romney has said that he hopes that Florida will be "spared any major destruction" from the hurricane. However, to be safe, he's urging everyone to take cover and strap their dogs to something secure.

Hurricane Isaac has shortened the Republican National Convention by a day. Delegates are relieved because now that means only three days of having to be fake-excited about Mitt Romney. 

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush says it's time for President Obama to stop blaming his brother for the economy. Then, when asked why he himself has not run for president, Jeb Bush said, "my brother."

Tomorrow, the Mars Rover will premiere the new Black Eyed Peas song by beaming it back to Earth. In other words, the rover has turned against us!

Over the weekend, the world's oldest person turned 116 and she said she lived a long life because she "minded her own business." In a related story, she is also the world's oldest murder witness.

In NJ, a woman suffers from "Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder" which causes her to have as many as 100 orgasms a day.  Meanwhile, her boyfriend suffers from "Persistent High-Fiving Other Dudes Syndrome." 

In a new interview, Larry King said he's not good with "gadgets."  Then he said, "This interview is over" and hung up his shoe.

One of the newest trends in Iraq is knockoffs of American fast-food chains, such as "Burger Friends" and "KFG." There's even a cheap knockoff of an Italian restaurant that's called "The Olive Garden."

Residents of New Orleans are bracing for another possible flood.  Not because of Hurricane Isaac but because they heard Snooki's water broke.

Over the weekend, Snooki gave birth to a baby boy, named Lorenzo. Snooki says the strangest part is that, for the first time, she actually knows the name of the guy sucking her breasts.

Ann Romney gave a speech at the Republican Convention tonight to show America that she and her husband are just regular people like you and I. Ann Romney made her speech while sitting atop her Olympic dancing-horse.

Today at the Republican National Convention, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gave the keynote address. Christie intentionally made the speech terrible so that people would throw food at him.

A group of protesters have been outside the Republican Convention dressed up as vaginas.  Which may explain the last minute appearance at the Republican Convention by Bill Clinton.

A group of coal miners in Ohio said that their bosses forced them to attend a Mitt Romney campaign event. You know you're boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak.

Today, the Mars Rover broadcast a song by the Black Eyed Peas' Will i.am.  So there you have it, Mars really is un-inhabitable.

There's a new website that allows you to support Prince Harry by posting a naked photo of yourself. The website is called "Extremely Gullible Girls Gone Wild."

According to a new survey, forty percent of Americans approve of reading a partner's email if you suspect them of cheating. The remaining 60% are cheating.

Cinnabon is at work developing the new "Cinnabon Pizza." They're also at work developing the new "Type 3 Diabetes."

According to a new report, the oldest registered user of Facebook is 101 year old woman named Florence. You can friend her, but – trust me –  you don't want to see her spring break pictures.

Snooki says she loves nursing her new born baby boy. The weird part is, while she's nursing, the rest of the Jersey Shore cast stands around her chanting, "Chug, Chug, Chug!"

In her speech at the Republican Convention last night, Ann Romney talked about meeting Mitt at a dance. Apparently, she leaned over to her girlfriends and said, "Who's the guy over there with no rhythm?"

During her speech, Ann Romney said, after they got married, she and Mitt lived in a basement. It was a 42-room basement on the French Riviera.

In his speech last night, Chris Christie said the word "I" 37 times, "Romney" seven times, and "jobs" only once.  And then there was the 622 times he said the word, "Ham."

It's rumored that the Republican Convention mystery speaker is going to be a hologram of Ronald Reagan.  The cool part is he's going to perform a duet with Tupac.

The new Republican Party platform calls for a crackdown on porn. The Republicans say they'll start the porn crackdown right after they check out of their Tampa hotels with unlimited pay per-view .

During the Republican Convention, a group of conservative gays threw a party called "HOMOCON." People said it was just like COMIC-CON, but less gay.

Yesterday, a medical marijuana group officially endorsed Barack Obama for President. Doesn't really help Obama though, because it turns out that they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008.

In India, a man opened a clothing store named "Hitler", claiming he didn't know who Adolf Hitler was. To apologize, he closed down the store and opened up his new restaurant "Osama Bin Ramen."

The oldest person on Facebook is a 101-year-old woman.  She said, "I want to waste what little time I have left."

Today, Snooki tweeted that she's been using a breast pump.  And apparently his name is Marco.

If anyone wins the lottery Friday with 4, 11, 19, 24, 36 and 48, you owe me big time.

The Republican Convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow.

Some people were distracted during Condoleeza Rice's speech because she had lipstick on her teeth. And they were even more distracted the night before when Chris Christie had a rack of ribs on his chin.

Last night, Paul Ryan said his iPod playlist "starts with AC/DC and ends with Zeppelin." When asked for comment, Mitt Romney said, "Man, I thought I was white."

Hurricane Isaac did not make a direct hit on New Orleans but passed by it without much harm. Even better news— While passing by New Orleans, it flashed its boobs.

A former Navy SEAL has a book out that claims Osama Bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. The book is called, "Who Cares, He's Dead."

Pippa Middleton, the sister-in-law of Prince William, has a book coming out on how to plan a great party. Of course, if you really want a member of the royal family to show you how to party, I'd go with Prince Harry.

Taco Bell plans to make Doritos Locos Tacos available in more flavors. The flavors include Cool Ranch, Spicy Cajun and Do Not Resuscitate.

MTV has announced that this will be the last season of "Jersey Shore."  So I guess we'll never know if they learn to walk upright.

This weekend, scientists said they found a chimp who is smarter than a US  high school student. The scientists made the discovery when they played a hit song by One Direction, and the chimp said, "What is this shit?"

Here’s a little known fact: the murder capital of the U.S. is East Murderton, Wisconsin.

Overheard some conservative Latino kids in a pool playing “Marco Rubio.”

Am I the only one who cries during “Alien Vs. Predator”?

I can’t wait for my kids to open their Labor Day presents. I gave them each an extra sick day for the upcoming fiscal quarter.

This week, the Democratic Convention takes place in Charlotte, and one of the speakers will be Bill Clinton.  Out of habit, Clinton told Hillary that he was nowhere near Charlotte, he doesn't know who Charlotte is, and Charlotte is a liar.

Tonight's events at the Democratic Convention included a speech by Michelle Obama. Of course, everyone's favorite moment was when the First Lady told Ann Romney to, "bring it, bitch."

Donors to President Obama's campaign were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden.  And, for an extra $10,000, absolutely no access to Joe Biden.

Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected, it would lead to "a thousand years of darkness." Then he said, if Romney wins, it will lead to four years of "extreme whiteness."

Nicki Minaj has come out with a pro-Romney song that contains the lyrics, "You lazy bitches is f-ing up the economy."  After hearing about it, Mitt Romney said, "I don't know who Nicki Minaj is but he sounds like a great guy."

DC Comics has unveiled its first Arab-American superhero. He'll be the first superhero who has the power to fly, but keeps getting pulled aside for questioning by the TSA.

Rumors have surfaced that Bruce Willis may sue Apple so he can pass on his iTunes collection to his daughters. This could be an important case because if there's one thing all teenage girls love it's their dad's music collection.

In Massachusetts, a prison inmate serving a life sentence will be allowed to have a sex change operation.  This is great news for him and even better news for his cellmate. 

The Democrats are in Charlotte. Wouldn’t you know it, Bill Clinton showed up in the wrong Charlotte.

Last night two of the speakers at the Democratic Convention were identical twins brothers Joaquin and Julian Castro. Apparently, promising identical twins was the only way to get Bill Clinton to show up.

Today, Democrats added the word "God" to their official party platform. It's in the part that reads, "Did you see Michelle Obama's biceps? Oh my God."

Last night, Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old you could see the ground below them.  Then today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's first helicopter.

In her speech, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband has dinner with his girls, where they "strategize" about middle-school relationships. Which explains why today the Pentagon ordered a drone strike on that lying bitch Ashley.

It's been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention will be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech, she'll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, "Hey— My eyes are up here!"

At this year's Democratic Convention, 8% of the delegates are gay, a historic record. So this will be the first time a Presidential candidate will be nominated by a "show of jazz-hands."

NASA's having a contest to let kids come up with the name for a newly discovered asteroid.  Well the kid's decided and earth's greatest astronomers are already now studying asteroid "Butt Muncher Beiber Fart." 

Baskin Robbins introduced a new ice cream flavor called "Ice Cream Nachos."  They came up with the idea yesterday at 4:20.

New mom Snooki said that thanks to her baby, she is done partying.  She said the toughest thing to get used to is now when she whips her breasts out at 3 am, it's not because a DJ told her too.

Some mothers are turning to Facebook to buy breast milk for their babies. Call me old fashioned – but why can't they just get breast milk where nature intended them to get it: On Craigslist.

Last night, Bill Clinton gave a 49 minute speech defending Obama's record.  He praised Obama for saving the economy, passing health care, and keeping Hillary out of the country most of the year. 

After his speech, President Obama surprised Clinton by walking on stage and giving him a hug.  Out of habit, when Bill Clinton saw a woman's husband coming at him he threw his shoe and hit in a closet.

Today, Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic Convention.  This means Obama has all but clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote. 

A new Republican ad features a young woman breaking up with a cardboard cut-out of President Obama.  The ad ends with her choosing a cardboard cut-out of Mitt Romney which turns out to actually be Mitt Romney.

He's doing fine, but this morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidently taking an Ambien. And tonight, he was taken to the hospital again after accidently listening to a speech by Joe Biden.

Today is Governor Chris Christie's 50th birthday. Sadly he ate the cake before the poor girl had a chance to jump out it.

A group of employees are suing the Olive Garden for violating federal labor laws. They're also suing for violating the dictionary's definition of "Italian."

Tom Cruise is being accused of having the Church of Scientology "audition" women to be his wife. I don't know what the problem is - at least someone in this economy is actually still hiring. 

In a new interview, Vinny from "Jersey Shore" says some of his co-stars are destined for failure after the show ends. Then he said, "Now if you'll excuse, I have a pizza to deliver."

Kanye West has canceled his VMA appearance tonight because girlfriend Kim Kardashian cannot attend. The news is being reported as a "win-win."

The gift bags from the MTV Video Music Awards included condoms and Hot Pockets. Let’s hope nobody confused the two.

Only the second known photo of Emily Dickinson has been published. US Weekly’s “Stars Without Makeup” just keeps getting better.

Ben & Jerry’s is suing a porn company. I hate it when my two favorite things to binge on aren’t getting along.

Mitt Romney released another ad that features Hispanic voters speaking in Spanish. The ad ends with him saying, "I'm Mitt Romney, and I have no idea what these people are saying."

This weekend, Mitt Romney suggested that President Obama wants to remove the phrase "In God We Trust" from US coins.  Or as Romney calls coins, "Those jingling things you people have."

President Obama spent the weekend campaigning in Florida, trying to woo senior citizens. Which may be why he starts his speeches in Florida with, "Hi, I'm President Eisenhower with a tan."

Yesterday in Florida, President Obama visited a pizzeria, where the owner gave the President a bear hug and lifted him off his feet.  Everybody shared a good laugh and then the Secret Service shot the man in the face. 

One of the Navy Seals involved in Bin Laden raid said the first thing he did when he got home was go to Taco Bell.  So apparently, Bin Laden wasn't the only one that night who shit his pants.

The #1 movie at the box office again this weekend was "The Possession," which is a Jewish version of "The Exorcist." The climax of the film is when they force the ghost to retire to Boca Raton.

Rihanna has decided to honor her late grandmother by getting a giant tattoo under her breasts.  In fairness, the grandmother's obituary notice did say, "In lieu of flowers, please get boob-ink."

It's been reported that Kanye West used to have sex with other women while watching Kim Kardashian's sex tape. Sounds like someone has a great story to tell their grandchildren. 

In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al Qaeda's number two leader, the sixth second in command the US has killed. So this is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs.

Over the weekend, Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just "hire a chauffeur."

Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America's, "number one foe," is Russia. Then, he said America's number one band is "Duran Duran" and number one movie is "The Goonies."

Nicki Minaj has now admitted she supports President Obama over Mitt Romney. Romney's not worried though, he still has the support of Lil' Wayne and Two Chainz.

At a movie premiere last night, "Harry Potter" star Emma Watson had a near nip-slip. It's the most embarrassing Harry Potter incident since the "Voldemort Sex Tape."

A new survey has found that Indianapolis is the most sexually satisfied city in the US.  Which explains why their new license plates don't say "Hoosier state" they say "Hoosier Daddy." 

Chris Brown got a tattoo of what looks like a picture of Rihanna on his neck. Brown said, "The tattoo comes in handy when people can't remember why they hate me."

O.J. Simpson is claiming that Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. He makes the claims in his new book called, "The Only Thing I'm Ashamed Of."

Earlier this morning, in LA, police were involved in a high speed chase with a suspect who was drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Now folks, is it me, or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?

Today Apple unveiled the iPhone 5— which is 18% thinner and 20% lighter.  In fact, it's just a piece of paper that says, "You saps will buy anything."

Yesterday, Bill Clinton said that President Obama helped him edit his convention speech. The biggest change was that Obama had Clinton use the phrase "Americans" instead of "all you fine honeys."

The company that made the Tupac hologram is filing for bankruptcy.   The announcement was made by company spokesperson Elvis Presley.

The US Soccer team qualified for the World Cup by beating Jamaica 1-0. The Americans attribute their success over the Jamaicans to hard work, training, and "not being stoned."

For a few hours yesterday, the Sears online catalog featured a model whose nipple was showing.  It was the first time in years someone saw something in a Sears catalog they actually wanted.

In a new interview, Blake Lively said that, if she could, she would have 30 kids. Read all about it in the October issue of "I've Never Had a Baby So I'm Talking Out of my Ass" Magazine.

The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Lindsay Lohan has been hospitalized for walking pneumonia.  Doctors say no one should start worrying until Lohan comes down with "driving pneumonia."

In Russia, 122 year old man has passed away and he credited his long life to abstaining from alcohol, tobacco and women. His last words were "I've made a huge mistake."

The Octomom says she's made enough money from porn to buy a house. The dilapidated, condemned structure that can hold up to 15 people, said she's happy to finally have her own home.

Anyone who says you can’t judge a book by its cover hasn’t seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

New polling shows President Obama has a 10 point lead in Mitt Romney's home state of Michigan. Although, in Obama's home state of Hawaii, Romney has a 10 house lead.

McDonald's announced, for the first time ever, they're going to start posting the calorie count of their menu items.  Not to be outdone, Cinnabon announced they will start posting their death toll.

Yesterday, The Dalai Lama said it's time for humanity to abandon religion. Man— Sounds like SOMEone just got du-umped!

Coca-Cola is now sold in 193 of 195 of the world's countries. The holdouts are Cuba and the former Soviet Republic of, "CaffieneFree7Up-i-Stan."

At a high school in Texas, a science experiment backfired and the school was evacuated. The "experiment" that backfired was trying to teach science in Texas.

Hooters restaurants are making an effort to bring in more female customers.  Hooters said the only things they need to change is their name, the waitresses, and the food.

One of the stars of "The Newsroom" accidentally tweeted a topless photo.  Unfortunately, it was Jeff Daniels.

According to new research, heavier men last longer in bed.  But that includes time spent looking for their penis.

Hooters restaurants have a new campaign aimed at attracting female customers. So far all they’ve come up with is “Lesbian Thursdays.”

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.  By the way, Rosh Hashanah is Hebrew for "I have no writers today."

Mitt Romney is Los Angeles today for a fundraiser.  So that's one more handsome guy in LA auditioning for a role he probably won't get.

After being accused of being too vague, Mitt Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, "Soonish."

Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper and it's actually called "Total Recall."  In response, she's written a book about their affair called "Alien vs Predator."

In Rome, a tabloid is running some new topless photos of Kate Middleton where her breasts appear larger than in earlier released photos. When he heard about it, Prince Harry said, "Why can't my photos be in that magazine?"

A new study reveals that single people pay more money than married people on food, shelter, taxes and health insurance and they make less money than married people.  After hearing this, every single guy said, "Still worth it."

A man in Kentucky is suing a doctor for amputating his penis unnecessarily.  When the doctor has apologized the patient said, "No hard feelings."

During a private reception with wealthy donors, Mitt Romney said nearly half of Americans "pay no income tax." Then he said, "But enough about me…"

Another thing Mitt Romney said is that if he "had Mexican parents, he'd have a better shot at winning." But unfortunately, Romney was tragically held back by being born into the home of rich white people.

A judge has ordered a French magazine to turn over all 200 topless photos of Kate Middleton. The judge says he wants the photos because he's having trouble finding them online.

The Space Shuttle is coming to LA – It's going to be towed through downtown Los Angeles at 2 MPH.  In other words, it'll be traveling at the same speed as every other vehicle in LA.

Carnival cruise line has announced a brand new "all you can drink" cruise. Carnival said the unlimited alcohol cruise is a great to inaugurate their new ship, the S.S. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

A prominent historian is now claiming that Jesus was married. Because just like any married guy who goes missing for three days, he comes back with a crazy excuse.

Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet complaining that Amanda Bynes has been getting off too easy for her driving violations.  Lohan sent the tweet from behind the wheel just before crashing through a Pinkberry.

A shortstop for the Toronto Blue Jays is in trouble for painting a homophobic slur under his eyes. But don't worry – after the game it washed off very easily in the group shower.

Scientists have discovered that there is such a thing as a "breast orgasm."  So sorry ladies, that's one more orgasm you're going to have to fake. 

Lamborghini has announced a major recall of their cars. So, if you have a Lamborghini, please return it to your local rerun of "Miami Vice."

Lindsay Lohan was arrested in New York City last night for allegedly hitting someone with her car and leaving the scene of an accident. That's the bad news… the good news is— she's not driving in Los Angeles!

It's true Lindsay Lohan did flee the scene after a car accident. Lohan apologized, saying she was late for a car accident across town.

The Disney Channel accidentally aired several minutes of hardcore porn during one of their children's cartoons. Either that or Phineas and Ferb really like each other.

Apple has pushed back the shipping date for the new iPhone 5.  They say don't worry though—  it should be delivered the day before they unveil the iPhone 6.

An Asian mathematician appears to have solved the world's most complex math problem. He did so as part of his work at the Institute for Persistent Stereotypes.

Scholars have uncovered an ancient document that talks about Jesus having a wife. They've also found a note from Jesus' father-in-law, saying, "Tell that bum to cut his hair and get a job!"

At the International Space Station, an American astronaut just completed an entire triathlon in space.  In a related story, I finally took the laundry off the treadmill in my garage.

McDonald's announced that there will be a delay in the return of the McRib this year. A spokesman said, "We're waiting for people to finish digesting last year's McRibs."

At a recent concert in Amsterdam, Lady Gaga smoked marijuana in front of thousands of her fans. Gaga got so high, she put on a sundress and sensible shoes.

The Space Shuttle is going to be driven through Los Angeles tomorrow. The bad news, it's going to be driven by Lindsay Lohan.

People are commenting that Mitt Romney has been looking extremely tan lately.  In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself.

People are speculating that Mitt Romney is wearing self-tanner to pander to Latino voters. Even worse, he spent all of today driving through Hispanic neighborhoods with a Chihuahua strapped to his roof.

In the latest tape released from that private fundraiser, Mitt Romney implies that immigrants who come to America have no skills. Except of course, the one who knew how to push the record button on the camera.

Monica Lewinsky is reportedly writing a tell-all book about her affair with Bill Clinton. The book is called "Ten Years Too Late."

Disneyworld has announced plans to start serving alcohol. They're even going to introduce a new character "Extremely Buzzed Lightyear."

New Jersey is banning smiling in driver's license photos. So now, instead of telling the driver to, "Say cheese", the DMV photographer will just say, "You live in New Jersey."

In Georgia, an Applebee's manager called the police on a customer for breastfeeding her baby.  The mother is being charged with serving a nutritious meal at Applebees.

Once again in New York, a man was arrested for yelling anti-Semitic remarks while in an Elmo costume. Now is it me, or is Mel Gibson settling for lesser roles?

Mitt Romney said his campaign is "about the 100 percent." Then Romney said, "The 100% of the 53% who don't like the 47%."

The emoticon just turned 30. I wish there were some way to express how little I care about this news.

This weekend, LA is shutting down a major freeway for what they're calling "Carmageddon 2."  Officials are trying to keep everyone off the streets this weekend by announcing that "Lindsay Lohan is out for a drive."

A new book claims that Texas Governor Rick Perry did not win the Republican primary because he suffers from a sleep disorder.  His doctors said, "Also not helping – he's dumb as a rock." 

At the New England Patriots game, Coach Bill Belichick was so mad about a call by the replacement referees, he grabbed a ref's arm. Fortunately, Belichick was quickly stopped by the referee's seeing-eye dog.

In China, a factory that makes iPhones had to be shut down after 2,000 workers got into a brawl.  The brawl was captured on 10,000 iPhones.

It's come out that a chemical in the McRib is also used to make yoga mats. This marks the first time Yoga and McRib have ever been mentioned in the same sentence.

In Georgia, a jewelry store owner is offering a free gun with your purchase.  And of course once you have the gun – free jewelry!

It's been reported that the band Lynyrd Skynyrd will no longer fly the Confederate flag at their concerts. They said they only flew the flag because 2 of their members actually fought in the Civil War. 

There are new rumors of a Kanye West sex tape. The image is blurry but you can tell it's Kanye because he keeps moaning his own name.

Over Twitter, Lady Gaga thanked her fans for loving her despite her recent weight gain. Lady Gaga tweeted, "It's hard not eat pop tarts all the time when your hat is a toaster."

A new study shows that the size of an average penis has decreased by 10%. So… that means it's down to 8 inches, right fellas?

Green Bay Packers fans are furious after a controversial call in last night's game that robbed the Packers of a victory. Some are calling it the worst call in NFL history, since the Black Eyed Peas were invited to play the Super Bowl.

It's come out that some of the NFL replacement refs used to work for the Lingerie Football League. The owners say they were forced to use them because they couldn't afford the refs from "The Puppy Bowl."

In New York City, muggings for Apple products are up 40%. Even worse, if you have the new iPhone, people camp out overnight to mug you.

Today, Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill allowing driverless cars in California.  After hearing the news, Amanda Bynes said, "I thought I had a driverless car." 

A new study shows that, as a mother ages, she gets depressed if she doesn't receive a phone call from her favorite child. I don't have a joke here, I just want to remind my brother Luke to call mom.

In an attempt to bring back more users, MySpace unveiled the redesign for its website. I think it's going to work, because they've changed the name from MySpace to "Free Porn."

A new study suggests that if a man has his testicles removed, he lives longer.  In other words, married guys live longer. 

I hear that in order to expand “The Hobbit” into a trilogy, they incorporated some of my pornographic Gandalf fan fiction.

Today is Yom Kippur, the day when Jewish people ask for forgiveness.  Of course, for my people, that would be the day after St. Patrick's Day. 

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech at the UN today and was actually applauded. Of course, he did start his speech by saying, "These replacement refs suck!"

It's being reported that the NFL is close to reaching a deal with the refs.  And the replacement refs say they're close to finding their ass with a map and a compass. 

It's rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore dark makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see Romney's appearance on BET.

An airline in Asia announced it's selling seats in what they call "Quiet Zone," where babies are not allowed. The people most likely to purchase seats in the Quite Zone are businessmen and parents of babies.

At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she'd strip naked if President Obama is reelected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97%,

Pig farmers are predicting a global bacon shortage.  However, they say the shortage can be averted if Chris Christie converts to Islam.

A Manhattan soccer mom has pled guilty to running a prostitution ring. Clients of the prostitution ring said they're going to miss the post sex juice box.

In a school district in Texas, it is now legal for a female teacher to spank a male student.  This is due to a new law pushed through by a group of male students.

Pizza Hut has unveiled their newest pizza: pizza with a crust made out of cream-cheese-filled cones.  They're calling it the Autopsy Lovers Pizzas.

In Hong Kong, a billionaire is offering $65 million to any man who can woo and marry his lesbian daughter. Meanwhile, his daughter is offering $65 million dollars to anyone that can explain to her father what a lesbian is.

“Goodness gracious, that is painful!” is what I should have yelled when I stubbed my toe in front of my kids.

It's 106 degrees outside here.  That's right – Another crisp fall day in LA.

In his interview with 60 minutes, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "You can't run from your mistakes, you have to confront them." Especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you "Dad."

Mitt Romney has been preparing by debating a Republican Senator who's playing the part of President Obama.  Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine.

The other day, the CEO of Apple apologized for problems in the iPhone's new map program.  The CEO made the apology in a field 20 miles from where the press conference was supposed to take place.

The Vatican is getting complaints that they're letting in too many drunken tourists. Today, the Vatican said, "Those aren't tourists, they're priests."

There's a new Internet search engine that's been developed and it looks only for online porn. It's called "Google."

In Saudi Arabia, images of women have been removed from all Ikea catalogs. Of course in my experience, most women disappear the second they see a futon from Ikea.

Red Lobster is coming out with a new menu aimed primarily at people who don't like seafood. They were inspired by The Olive Garden whose menu has always been aimed at people don't like Italian food.

It's being reported that Target is requiring its employees to use the word "amazing," as much as possible.  So now employees say things like, "You're so fat, it's amazing you're not at Wal-Mart."

A new study shows that British men have larger penises than both French and German men.  The study was conducted in the back of Elton John's van.

On the first show of his new tour, Justin Bieber vomited on stage twice. That's right- even Justin Bieber is sick of Justin Bieber.

I consider myself a one-percenter since I’m in the one percent of people who saw both “Deuce Bigelow” movies.

In his new book, Arnold Schwarzenegger says his first clue that the housekeeper's son was his was when the boy started looking like him.  His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent.

For tomorrow's debate, President Obama's advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the President plans on saying are - "Bin Laden" and "Dead."

The Presidential debates will be streamed live on You Tube. As a result, both candidates have been busy learning how to dance Gangnam Style.

Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez are going to star in a new campaign ad for President Obama. Mitt Romney said though he's upset that they're not supporting him, but he still loves those two tennis playing sisters.

The lead singer of the 90s band Creed has said he thinks President Obama is "ineffective." So in other words, President Obama has lost the support of yet another unemployed person.

In Florida, Vice President Joe Biden told a group of nurses, "If there are any angels in heaven, they're all nurses."  Then Biden said, "Of course, maybe they wouldn't be in heaven if they had better nurses."

Oprah Winfrey is now 50th on Fortune's list of most powerful women in business. In a related story, Oprah Winfrey just released O Magazine's list of "49 Women to Destroy."

In a recent interview, Daniel Craig said he can't do things like get drunk or go skinny dipping because he's too well known. When asked for comment, women everywhere said, "He can go skinny-dipping."

The Weather Channel is trying to start a new trend of naming winter storms. Which is great, because I've always wanted to hear a weatherman says, "Stay indoors— there's 8 inches of Conan coming your way."

In preparation for tonight's debate, Mitt Romney has reportedly been practicing his zingers. Romney said he couldn't wait to use his best zinger—  "Your momma is so poor, she only makes $250,000 a year."

It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal tonight is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal tonight is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney.

President Obama is winning the election, according to an informal poll conducted by 7/11. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory.

A recent survey says that that many women over the age of 65 think that Joe Biden is sexy. So now when your grandma asks for a hot cup of Joe, she might not be asking for coffee.

It's being reported that a Radio Shack sold a teenage girl a cell phone that already had pornographic pictures on it.  In a related story, the Radio Shack cell phone is now outselling the new iPhone ten to one.

The government has released the names of dozens of products containing fraudulent weight-loss claims.  Some of the products include "Bacon Flex" and "The Ab Couch."

Critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. Today, the President apologized and said, "At the next debate, no more Angry Birds."

President Obama said that one thing about being president is learning to say "no." Especially when someone asks, "Do you feel ready for this debate?"

During last night's debate, Mitt Romney said that he would cut funds to PBS even though he loves Big Bird. And he said he's definitely against whatever the hell Bert and Ernie are up to.

Before the debate last night, there was a coin toss to see which candidate would speak first.  There was an awkward moment just before the coin toss when Romney asked, "What's that shiny little disk you're holding?"

At one point during the debate, Mitt Romney said, "If you're over 60, you can stop listening now." To which moderator Jim Lehrer said, "Then I should have stopped listening 40 years ago."

The final season of Jersey Shore premieres tonight. I don't want to spoil anything, but after this season, no one in the cast ever works again.

Rap groups Public Enemy and  NWA have been nominated for the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame.  The group said nothing helps their fight against the white power structure like getting a plaque in a museum in Cleveland.

Cadbury has come out with a candy bar specifically designed to appeal to women.  It's called, "Chocolate."

Some experts say that this week, tv broadcasts may be occasionally interrupted by bursts of radiation from the sun. So if you're watching my show right now & see something large, orange, & hot–that's just me.

A man in Florida was arrested for having sex for the second time with his neighbor's horse. Apparently, this guy just can't take "nay" for an answer.

Mitt Romney once invested in the Yankees. Which finally explains the time the Yankees tried to trade Alex Rodriguez to China.

Yesterday for the first time ever, a man plunged 24 miles from the very top of the Earth's atmosphere. As a result, they've stopped serving liquor on the International Space Station.

The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past 4 years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney.

In a new interview, President Obama said that he thinks Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj can fix their feud. So it sounds like he's ready for the second debate.

Polling across the country shows the Presidential race is neck and neck. It's an even tie between "Not Barack Obama" and "Not Mitt Romney."

A new report claims that former President George W. Bush is now painting portraits of dogs.  Apparently, his biggest challenge is trying to get the dogs to play poker. 

Yesterday, it took the Endeavor space shuttle 17 hours to travel 12 miles through downtown Los Angeles. Apparently, it was using the iPhone 5's Apple Maps.

Many new Starbucks locations will no longer have tables or chairs. The CEO of Starbucks said, "From now on, you're going to have to write your crappy screenplays at Chipotle."

Hulk Hogan is suing over the release of his sex tape.  And guess what – So is everyone else.

Americans are expected to spend $370 million on pet costumes this Halloween. So, get ready to see a lot of slutty labradoodles.

I saw the time travel movie "Looper". I saw it twice, the day it came out and when they rereleased it in 2044.

President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in their first debate. To make up for that, tonight Obama plans to address Romney as "Douchey J. Moneybags."

One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama's going to answer every question with a passage from "50 Shades of Grey."

Analysts say that to woo female voters tonight, both candidates will try to come off as the "good husband." When asked for comment, Bill Clinton said, "That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo-op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said, "Ryan did nothing."  In other words, that man is ready to be vice-president.

Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney win the coveted vote of "people you forgot were still alive."

A company just came out with a car that will retail for only $3,000. They're calling this revolutionary vehicle the "1997 Corolla."

There is a rumor that Hulk Hogan was the one who leaked his own sex tape.  Authorities believe it was either him or Al Qaeda.

According to a new study, Adele's "Someone Like You" is now the most popular song played at funerals.  It narrowly beat out, Pink's "Let's Get this Party Started."

Every generation wants their children to be featured in a slightly less unflattering reality show than they were.

Jeremy, the college kid who asked the first question at last night's debate, now says he is no longer undecided. When asked to elaborate, he said, "I am DEFINITELY moving to Canada."

There was some good news for Jeremy last night— during the debate, Mitt Romney offered him a job. Jeremy starts his new job in China next Tuesday.

During last night's debate, one audience member asked how Mitt Romney was different than George W. Bush. President Bush said that's obvious – I would never do anything to hurt Big Bird.

Last night Mitt Romney said when he was looking hire a female, he would browse through a "Binder full of women."  Romney got the idea from Tom Cruise.

One of the voters in the audience last night who says he's still undecided was and African American male. There was an awkward moment when President Obama said, "Bro- seriously?"

New research finds that Obama supporters tend to eat at Red Lobster, while Romney supporters tend to eat at the Olive Garden. When he heard this, Chris Christie endorsed both candidates.

Next week, Larry King will moderate a debate between third party candidates.  This is the first debate Larry's moderated since the one between Cain and Abel.

A New York man has had 90 surgeries so he can look like "a human Ken doll." I hate to break it to him but you only have to have one surgery to do that.

The History Channel used to be cool, but they're just stuck in the past.

Both candidates working hard to shore up their support among women.  In fact, today they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies.

Yesterday, Mitt Romney's son Tagg said that during the debate, he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name "Tagg." 

The National Atheist Party has endorsed Barack Obama for President.  When told the news, Obama said, "Thank God."

The creator of the cartoon Dilbert announced he is supporting Mitt Romney. Meanwhile, the creator of Garfield is still waiting to hear the candidates' views on lasagna and Mondays.

Apple has announced that next week it will unveil its smaller iPad, the "iPad Mini." Sadly, it has also decided to rename the regular-sized model the "Maxi-iPad."

Uma Thurman named her new baby daughter Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson. In other words, Uma Thurman's daughter will never be able to drink from a personalized coffee mug.  

Flavor Flav has been arrested on assault charges. If convicted, he may get a prison sentence of 10 years, plus time already worn on his chest.

A new trend in comfort wear is part pajamas, part poncho and it's called the "Pajancho." And the guy who invented it is called a "pa-stoner."

In India, a 96-year-old man became the world's oldest father. His wife gave birth to a beautiful 62-year-old baby boy.

A new study finds that every hour of TV-watching cuts 22 minutes off your life. However, I promise that when you're lying on your death bed, your last words will be, "Conan was worth it."

Tonight, President Obama and Mitt Romney will hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is "What's More Shocking to see in Boca Raton  – a Mormon or a black guy?"

Tonight, President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy debate. Pundits say it will be close, but the edge will probably go to the candidate wearing the "I killed Osama Bin Laden" t-shirt.

According to The New York Times, the Google search "Paul Ryan Shirtless" is 9 times more popular a search than "Paul Ryan budget." The awkward part is, most of those searches have been traced back to Joe Biden's laptop.

Donald Trump said he will reveal "big news" about President Obama on Wednesday.  Trump said he would've announced it sooner, but do you know how long it takes to forge a  Kenyan birth certificate?

Today Lance Armstrong was formally stripped of his seven Tour de France titles due to the doping scandal. On the plus side, he did just receive a Nobel Prize in Chemistry.

This year, Americans will spend $8 billion on Halloween costumes.  It's not a good sign when the only bright spots in our economy are candy and dressing like a slut.

Adele has given birth to a baby boy. Witnesses say Adele howled in agony for nearly 10 hours, then had to cut her recording session short when she went into labor.

Over the weekend, Adele gave birth to a baby boy.  So once again, Adele started crying after a male left her.

A new study shows that eating bacon makes it difficult to have an orgasm during sex. In response, every man in America said, "I still choose bacon."

Researchers have found evidence that American boys are entering puberty earlier and earlier. So this could finally be the year for me!

At one point during the debate last night, moderator Bob Schieffer accidentally said, "Obama bin Laden." It was right after he called Romney "Adolf Mittler."

During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, "The 1980's called and they want their foreign policy back." Mitt Romney then tried to deliver a comeback, but then his beeper went off.

A man is claiming that President Obama used and sold cocaine in college.  On the bright side, if this is true, Obama does have business experience.

Today, a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate, among a voting bloc known as "Wal-Mart Moms." And Mitt Romney won the debate-according to the "Wouldn't Be Caught Dead at a Wal-mart Moms."

A group of scientists has named a new type of plant after Lady Gaga.  It's a plant called the "Madonna Imitatus."

Today, Domino's gave out half a million slices of free pizza. Then later today, everybody gave them back.

A new study claims that 88% of people's homemade pornography ends up on porn sites without the owners' knowledge. Which may explain why some of you look familiar.

A new sperm bank offers the sperm of athletes and rock stars. Finally, athletes and rock stars will be able to have illegitimate children.

Today, Donald Trump said he'd give $5million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts.  Today, Obama responded by sending Trump a full transcript from his alma mater— the University of "Shove It Up Your Ass."

People surveyed in 21 countries overwhelmingly favor President Obama over Mitt Romney. Although, Romney is still a huge favorite in the country of Khakistan.

A new article on Mitt Romney says that he frequently uses the word, "Gosh." But only when he's talking to his youngest son, "Gosh Romney."

Last night was the debate among third party presidential candidates and each candidate came out in favor of medical marijuana.  It was the first presidential debate to air on the Cartoon Network.

Herman Cain's former mistress says she is writing a tell-all about her time with the former presidential candidate.  The book is called, "No one cares."

The company that makes the game "FarmVille" announced its laying off 160 employees. Or to put it another way, 160 people are about to spend a lot more time on FarmVille.

A website has posted several photos of retired Playboy bunnies who are now in their 60s. Of course, to see their entire breasts, you'll just need to keep scrolling down.   

It's being reported that only two members of N'SYNC were invited to Justin Timberlake's wedding. However, the others did attend as caterers.

A new study claims that 88% of people's homemade porn ends up on porn sites without the owners' knowledge. In a related story, I just want to say I had no idea that van I was getting into was actually "The Bang Bus." 

The NFL Network's singing football is so cute! Oh wait that's Cee Lo.

Am I the only one that tests "forever" postage stamps by smothering them with a pillow?

The senior editor of the Scientific American said that Hurricane Sandy was partly caused by global warming. Meanwhile, Fox News says it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park.

This afternoon, in honor of the World Series, Taco Bell gave out free Doritos Locos Tacos in San Francisco. Which means now the West Coast will be hit with an explosive flood.

In an interview, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said that, during this campaign, President Obama's been 'acting like a 10-year-old.'  Jeb's exact quote was "Obama's acting like a real George W. Bush."

The Apple executive in charge of Apple Maps has been let go. He was fired yesterday but he still can't find his way out of the building.

It was announced today that there will be a new Stars Wars movie in 2015. Luckily, by then, Harrison Ford will be old enough to play Yoda.

George Lucas has sold his film company and said, "It's time to pass Star Wars onto a new generation of filmmakers." Unfortunately, the company he sold it to was "Hustler Video."

The Minnesota Timberwolves are being accused of having too many white players & some say it's a ploy to appeal to a mostly white fan base.  The owner claims it's not a ploy to win fans it's a ploy to lose games. 

In Australia, a couple is getting married inside an IKEA store. Which means their marriage will likely fall apart in two years.

Scientists are testing a new product that's being referred to as "Viagra for women." The new product is called, "White Wine."

President Obama cancelled the Halloween party at the White House.  Obama canceled after hearing Joe Biden was coming as "Slutty Joe Biden."

A company has come out with a kit that helps you carve pornographic images into a pumpkin.  The kit is being marketed under the name "The Amish Internet."

It's being reported that, although Hurricane Sandy damaged thousands of homes in New Jersey , the house used on "Jersey Shore" was left completely undamaged.  In other words – There is no god. 

The laptop used by Bill Clinton while he was president is up for sale.  Just a tip, you might want to clean it first.

There are rumors that the wife of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-un is pregnant.  So finally, a successful missile launch from North Korea.

Due to the tough economy, two of the world's biggest publishing houses have decided to merge.  In fact, they're only going to publish one book this year, "50 Shades of Harry Potter."

Kelsey Grammer said that he brought his 3-month-old daughter to a Playboy Party because he couldn't find a good babysitter. Then again, most of Kelsey Grammer's marriages ended because he did find a good babysitter.

In Pennsylvania, a preacher is blaming Hurricane Sandy on homosexuals. Which is weird, because if homosexuals created something that blew, they wouldn't have named it Sandy. 

Last night Lady GaGa dressed up as marijuana plant. Twenty minutes later she realized it was Halloween and ran home and put on a costume.

Today, Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers.  Obama and Christie are furious and said they'd give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean.

There are rumors that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un's wife is pregnant. The sonogram shows a healthy boy who looks like a 40-year-old lesbian.

After selling Star Wars to Disney, George Lucas said he will donate the majority of the proceeds to charity.  Lucas said he'll donate to Star Wars fans' favorite cause, "Grown-ups without Partners."

Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to back gay marriage.  Today a spokesman for Gay people said, "It's nice to think that Brad Pitt is behind us."

Last night on the X-Factor, Khloe Kardashian had a nip slip.  After hearing about it, people in the northeast said, "You know – Maybe losing power isn't so bad."

Scientists have discovered an elephant at a South Korean zoo that can imitate human speech. So far, all the Elephant has said is, "Enough with the friggin peanuts."

It's being reported that Steven Tyler and his fiancée are breaking up.  The quote from the press release says, "My old lady and I just couldn't make it work, but I wish Steven the best."

Tomorrow is Election Day— it's the day that you decide whether, for the next four years we make jokes about President Mitt Romney or jokes about Former Governor Mitt Romney.

In Florida, the lines for early voting are nine hours long. Which is too bad, because it's Florida – a lot of those people don't have nine hours.

In Ohio yesterday, a man who heckled President Obama was carried away by four police officers.  Not because he was a danger, but because anytime you carry a person from Ohio, you need four people.

The end of the Election means that negative political ads will finally stop.  After tomorrow, the only two people attacking each other on TV will be Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey.

This weekend, Bristol Palin's baby's daddy, Levi Johnston, married the mother of his new baby and wore camouflage at the ceremony. I guess Levi wanted his wife and new baby to get used to not seeing him.

The Disney animated movie "Wreck-it-Ralph" was tops at the box office.  A lot of kids were disappointed, because "Wreck it Ralph" is about Ralph Nader and the 2000 election.

Last week, The Mars Rover stretched out its robotic arm and took a picture of itself.  In other words, America's greatest technological achievement has turned into a 14-year-old girl with Instagram. 

In Austin, Texas, a brawl broke out involving 17 strippers.  So, regardless of what happens tomorrow, America is still the greatest country on earth.

I'm still undecided on who would be the better president: Tommy Lister from "The Fifth Element", or Terry Crews from "Idiocracy".

Today, President Obama played a game of pick-up basketball. Obama said, "Listen, I'm beating a white guy at something today."

Yesterday, at an Obama rally, Jay-Z altered some lyrics and sang, "I Got 99 Problems But a Mitt Ain't One." Well- that settles it—  Mitt Romney is never going to listen to Jay-Z again.

Today, Mitt and Ann Romney cast votes near their home in Massachusetts.  Then, they cast votes near their homes in Virginia, Ohio and Florida. 

Yesterday, President Obama said his weakness is nachos.  Then his advisor told him, "Relax, you've already got the Hispanic vote."

At this moment,  7-11's presidential polling contest has President Obama winning re-election. However, those results are being hotly disputed by polling experts at Outback Steakhouse.

Today, voters in California voted on whether actors in porn films have to wear condoms. I'm sorry, but I thought our forefathers decided this 200 years ago.

Regardless of who you're voting for today, do the right thing & write me in for Michigan Drain Commissioner. The madness must stop.

In his victory speech last night, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, The President said, "Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch."

The President got 70% of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada.  And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys.

Mitt Romney did do well with certain voters. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women.  In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney.

Today one Republican leader said his party is "Too old, too white, and too male." You can read the rest of his comments on his MySpace page.

Yesterday, a Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney.  Obviously, she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney.

During Election coverage last night, Hugh Hefner tweeted, "It's just too close to predict how it's going to turn out. It's scary."  Of course-that's what Hefner always tweets on his way to the bathroom.

Yesterday, Maine and Maryland approved gay marriage. And today, Delaware confessed to being "bicurious."

A woman has published a novel that she wrote entirely on her Blackberry. The novel is called, "I Wish You Were An iPhone."

New study out of Britain, According to a new study, one in three men can't see their penis because their bellies are too big. So that's my problem—my belly is too big.

It's been reported that the morning after the election, Mitt Romney's family gathered to share a gallon of chocolate milk.  In other words, they took it much harder than we thought. You can see it all on the lamest episode ever of "Intervention."

Holiday season is upon us.  It's just two weeks until Thanksgiving, 7 weeks to Christmas and 14 weeks before they're done counting votes in Florida. 

They are still counting votes in Florida.  They're still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is likely to step down.  When he heard about it, Bill Clinton said, "Great— just give me a heads up when she's on her way home."

Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare.

A company has issued a credit card that is made of pure gold and embedded with 26 diamonds. Even stranger, it's a Chevron gas card.

As result of a new law requiring condoms the porn industry may move out of Los Angeles according to porn star James Deen.  Now just to clarify, Jimmy Dean is the sausage guy, James Deen is the other sausage guy.

The porn industry is angry about a new law requiring condoms and they're threatening to leave Los Angeles. Let me tell you something Porn—  you can leave Los Angeles, but you can never leave my hard drive.

In Hawaii, a woman got away from a 12 foot tiger shark by punching it in the mouth. She was immediately escorted from the aquarium.

They're making 9 more Star Wars movies. I can't wait until Darth Maul becomes Darth Mall-Walker.

In my house, LOL means Laugh Or Leave.

Today is Wednesday, or as General Petraeus calls it – Hump Day.

A petition for Texas to secede from the United States has gotten over 25,000 signatures.  The signatures are from every state but Texas.

For the holidays, the makers of Pringles are coming out with a white chocolate peppermint-flavored potato chip. In a related story, Pfizer is coming out with cinnamon-flavored insulin.

According to a new study of emergency rooms, the number one way people injure their genitals is riding their bicycle. Also, the #1 lie people tell in emergency rooms is "I was riding my bicycle."

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Arizona has elected the nation's first openly bi-sexual Congresswoman. She's already promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there.

The man who got a Romney/Ryan tattoo on his face said he is "totally disappointed" with how the election turned out.  The man said he hasn't been this disappointed since he got that tramp stamp for the movie John Carter.

New research reveals the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker. And the closer you live to a Dunkin' Donuts, the more likely you are to become the Governor of New Jersey.

Scientists have created synthetic plastic skin that can heal itself. The synthetic skin is being called "revolutionary" by doctors and "the perfect Christmas gift" for Bruce Jenner.

A prison inmate in Oregon who shot his own jaw off has demanded that the state to pay for his surgery.  At least, that's what I think he said. 

According to new research by the Journal of Sexual Medicine, size does matter when it comes to pleasing a woman in bed.  The study doesn't bother me, I just don't understand why it had to be cut out of the magazine and taped to my refrigerator.

Everyone loves Denzel Washington as a drunk pilot in “Flight”. Why no love for me as a drunk passenger on JetBlue security footage?

I just got into a bar fight over how Angry Birds Star Wars fits into the Star Wars Expanded Universe.

My kids no longer believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or mortgage-backed securities.

Just once, I’d like to see an old Chevy pick-up truck with the vanity plate “LUV2CUDDLE.”

I just did 200 crunches. Nestle's Crunches.

Today is "Cyber Monday." Which means tomorrow is "I was drunk when I bought that crap" Tuesday.

A Christian college is suing the Obama Administration over its healthcare law. They're citing the part in the Bible where Jesus refuses to heal a leper because it's a preexisting condition.

The movie "Lincoln" came in third at the box office this weekend. However, experts agree it's still not Lincoln's worst time at the theater.

The kid on the show "Two and a Half Men," actor Agnus T. Jones just gave an interview where he called the show "filth" and said it goes against his Christian values. Then he cashed a check for one million dollars.

Right here in Burbank, they've installed the world's first caviar vending machine.  It's all part of an initiative to cheer up Mitt Romney.

A new study reveals that, contrary to popular belief, sex with a pregnant woman will not induce labor. Damn — there goes my best pick-up line.

According to a new study, the average American now weighs 176 pounds.  May not sound too bad to you – But the study was conducted at elementary schools. 

In Florida, a 69-year-old woman was arrested for stealing hundreds of dollars' worth of lingerie. The authorities released her after she threatened to model the lingerie.

Is it weird that all my “Sons of Anarchy” fan fiction ends with everyone getting along really well?

Well folks, only 28 more shopping days till we go off the Fiscal Cliff. 

The manufacturer of Tastykakes is thinking of buying the company that makes Twinkies and Hoho's. So it looks like Christmas came early for stoners everywhere.

Yesterday, the kid from the show "Two and a Half Men," actor Angus T. Jones said he wants to leave the show because it goes against his Christian values. Which by the way is the same reason Charlie Sheen left.

A third man has accused the Elmo puppeteer of engaging in underage sex. Which explains why this Christmas, Sesame Street's is replacing "Tickle Me Elmo" with "May I see some ID, Elmo?"

In a new interview, Bill Clinton said that during his whole presidency, he only sent two emails.  However, over two million White House emails were sent from somebody named Bonerprez69.

Today, at Speaker of the House John Boehner's office, a group of nude female protesters stormed in. Boehner said he's not sure what they're protesting, but he'll definitely keep doing it.

Air New Zealand has unveiled a "Hobbit" themed airplane.  But of course, real "Hobbit" fans only fly Virgin.

Mexico's new president said his country's problems with the US aren't just about drugs and security issues. He said it's really about America's insistence that Taco Bell is Mexican food.

A new study shows that porn actresses have higher self-esteem than other women. The study was conducted by a guy who's trying to talk his girlfriend into making a sex tape.

My kids are in that really cute pre-medicated phase.

President Obama has invited Mitt Romney to lunch at the White House tomorrow. In a related story, Romney sent an email to all his donors with the heading, "See! I AM headed to the White House."

Mitt Romney is going to meet President Obama at the White House tomorrow.  And after 3 weeks of dealing with the Benghazi scandal & the Fiscal Cliff, Obama's prepared to offer him a position in the administration – President of the United States.

Hillary Clinton said the person who had the most profound effect on her was Nelson Mandela.  Bill Clinton said he relates to Nelson Mandela because he too has been denied freedom for decades.

Starbucks is selling a new, rare coffee that costs $7 a cup. You can order the $7 coffee by going to Starbucks and asking for their cheapest cup of coffee.

The new CEO of Yahoo said that her priorities are "God, family and Yahoo – in that order." When reached for comment, God and her family said, "I think she should worry more about Yahoo."

Apple has fired the manager who was responsible for the faulty mapping app on the iPhone. Apparently, after he was fired, he asked for a letter of recommendation and directions home.    

A wide receiver for the Chicago Bears claims NFL players use Viagra to give them "an edge."  Apparently, it comes in handy when it's fourth and inches. 

It was reported today that Dr. Dre makes twice as much money as Justin Bieber.  Mainly because of Dr. Dre's lucrative dermatology practice. 

A woman in Florida beat up her boyfriend because he had an orgasm too quickly. By the way, guys – this is officially the worst way to get your name in the paper.

Powerball officials said that two people had the right numbers to win the $580 million jackpot. So, congratulations to the lucky winners, Mitt and Ann Romney!

Today, Mitt Romney had lunch with President Obama. There was an awkward moment when the bill came and Obama only offered to pay 47%.

President Obama did have lunch at the White House with Mitt Romney.  There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, "So, how much do you want for the place?"

The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he says Romney "has no dignity." Then someone explained once you have a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity.

Scientists have named a new species of fish after Bill Clinton.  Earlier today, Hilary Clinton caught the fish and had it de-boned.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for repeatedly punching a woman in the face at a Manhattan nightclub. Lindsay said she only used her fists because her car wouldn't fit through the club door.

A NY police officer has become famous after a picture surfaced of him giving shoes to a homeless man in Times Square. The police officer said, "It felt like the right thing to do" and Nicolas Cage said, "Thanks for the shoes."

Residents in Zurich, Switzerland voted to allow drive-thru sex booths. Word to the wise, do NOT get confused at the window and order "McNuggets."

The author of "The Hunger Games" is coming out with a new book for young children. It's called "Horton Hears A Who, And Then Murders It With a Crossbow"

The mayor of a Serbian village created a panic when he announced that a vampire was on the loose. People were running around in a panic screaming, "Our mayor is an idiot."

A new survey shows that almost 70% of married women would choose sleeping over sex with their husband. When I told my wife this she said, "I don't understand the distinction.

The website WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret government documents – including computer passwords for world leaders.  The most shocking revelation?  Kofi Annan's password is Bieberfan9.

A man in South Carolina has been arrested for indecent exposure during a screening of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."  The man was arrested after Harry Potter fans realized, "Hey, that's not a wand."

Starbucks is reportedly making plans to begin selling beer and wine at their coffee shops.  Apparently, Starbucks is having trouble finding sober people willing to pay 9 bucks for a cup of coffee.

Heineken has changed one of its ads – and critics say it's because the ad objectified women. When they heard about it, executives at Budweiser said, "Great – can we use it?" 

Yesterday, a snowball fight turned into a 500 person brawl in Germany. Out of habit, France immediately surrendered.

An outdoor apparel company has released stiletto heels that can be worn while hiking. They say the stilettos should be make the climb up Mount Skankmore that much easier.

Yesterday, an Irish author was awarded the 18th annual "Bad Sex in Fiction Prize."  Her prize-winning novel begins, "Conan O'Brien removed his robe…"

Just found out the original name of the Notre Dame "Fighting Irish" was the "Brawling Depressives".

The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees.  It's all part of their, "For the last time, we're not Muslim" campaign.

It's official: Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting. They don't know whether it's going to be a boy or a girl, but they do know it's not going to work a day in its life.

This morning, the Vatican announced that the Pope is on Twitter. The Pope's only been on Twitter for about 15 hours and he's already called Chris Brown a douchebag.

Gay groups are apparently angry at Former President Clinton because he hasn't come out in favor of gay marriage.  However, Clinton said he'd be willing to have two lesbians come by and try and convince him.

In its first report, the Mars Rover says it has found a number of chemicals on Mars but none of them capable of sustaining life. However they are the ingredients used to make a Doritos Locos Taco.

It's the 20th anniversary of the sending of the first text message, which was "Merry Christmas." It's also the 20th anniversary of the first reply, which was, "r u horny?"

Lindsay Lohan said she does not need rehab because she has no problems with alcohol.  However, Lindsay did admit that her car is a total drunk. 

According to new research, most women are happy with the size of their man's penis.  The study was conducted with their man still in the room.

86 year old Hugh Hefner is engaged to a 26 year old Playmate and they're getting married on New Year's Eve. Friends say that Hef's fiancée is busy planning the wedding while Hef is busy remaining alive. 

Over the weekend, the nominations for the annual porn awards came out. I don't want to sound bitter, but who do you have to blow to get one of those?

Since losing the election Mitt Romney is reportedly bored.  After hearing this, Ann Romney said, "You're bored?  I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is writing a book about his health problems. The book is called, "Life of Too Much Pi."

One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between "Angry Whites" and "Even Angrier Whites."

New mom Snooki says she wants to give baby advice to Kate Middleton. Snooki said her #1 tip is, "Find out who the father is."

Federal officials announced they will allow Disney to purchase George Lucas's company. Officials were initially worried that it would create a monopoly, but then Obi-Wan waved his hand in front of them, and suddenly it was cool.

Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. Funny – you'd think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who's never had a job.

In Russia, there was a 125-mile traffic jam that had drivers stuck in traffic for over 3 days. Here in Los Angeles, that's known as "Friday."

Chris Brown was photographed in Amsterdam with three joints in his mouth. Brown was so high, he almost hit a man.

The CEO of The Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare. Which is odd, because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.

The IRS seized Lindsay Lohan's bank account because she owes $233,000 in back taxes. They were going to take her car, too, but they couldn't get it out of the tree.

Starbucks is introducing a $450 gift card.  It's good for two small coffees and a Josh Groban CD.

NASA has announced plans for a much cheaper version of the Mars Rover. In fact to cut costs, on the next Mars mission, the Rover will have a layover in Atlanta.

It's been reported that, in 2012, a record number of people named their babies after Apple products. It's the perfect way to tell your newborn child, "We're planning to replace you in 6 months."

Parents are naming their children after Apple products. Take it from me – It's not a good idea to name your kids after gadgets, just ask my son, Zune.

Mercedes is developing technology to let you look at Facebook on your car windshield. It's perfect for everyone who wants to get "poked" by an oncoming 18-wheeler.

Big news in the NBA – The New Orleans Hornets want to change their name to the Pelicans.  Meanwhile, the LA Lakers want to change their name to the "Guys Who've Banged a Kardashian."

Scientists announced they have found the world's oldest dinosaur. It had a collar on it that read, "If lost, please return to Larry King."

Mike Tyson said that he once walked in on his wife having sex with Brad Pitt. In a related story, Brad Pitt said Mike Tyson once saw him crap his pants.

The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Lindsay Lohan is getting advice from Mel Gibson. You can tell she's listening to Mel because today Lindsay crashed her car into a bagel shop.

Wow. I was just sent the iPhone 7. The seats are very comfortable.

Well Chanukah begins this Saturday – Chanukah is of course The Jewish Holiday that lasts for 8 different spellings.

As of today Washington State has legalized both marijuana and gay marriage. So today, men all over Washington have two different reasons to say "I love you man."

The Grammy nominations came out today and South Korean YouTube sensation Psy was not nominated.  So now we'll never know which of his songs he would've performed.  

Michelle Obama & Bill Clinton were Grammy-nominated in the category "Best Spoken Word Album." Michelle was nominated for the audio version of her book, "American Grown," Bill Clinton was nominated for the audio version of "50 Shades of Grey."

Earlier today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House.  President Obama told him, "I'd invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high."

The Governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards, she apologized and said, "Sorry, I'm a little touchy because it's almost Christmas and it's 135 degrees out."

In Germany, a man has taken a woman to court claiming she tried to smother him with her breasts.  The man is asking for $20,000 or for the woman to do it again.

The International Olympic Committee has stripped India of its right to participate in the games.  In response, India said, "Fine— just try logging onto your computers now."

A new study shows that women reach orgasm more easily when their lover's penis exceeds the average size of 5.8 inches.  Meanwhile, a man reaches  orgasm more easily when the woman isn't trying to measure his penis.

In order to justify eating veal, I just pretend the calf was funnier than me.

We’ve come so far; I just saw two snowmen getting married.

Happy Chanukah— Chanukah lasts 8 days and 8 nights. However, If your Chanukah lasts longer than that, consult your doctor.

Over the weekend, Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquaio just before Pacquaio lost his boxing match to Juan Manual Marquez.  Afterwards, Romney told Pacquaio, "You lost for the same reason I did — young Hispanics."

On Saturday night, Mitt Romney, Snooki and Steven Seagal were all spotted at the boxing match.  Apparently, the whole crowd was made up of people that we won't remember in three years. 

NASA has hired prison inmates to build satellite parts. It's part of NASA's new program to search for signs of life in the universe and then make them our bitch.

Over the weekend, hundreds of men took part in Boston's annual "Santa Speedo Run." In other words, no one in Boston is going to be happy this year with their "Christmas package."

Taylor Swift turns 23 this week. Taylor said she's at that age where she wants to settle down, then break up and then write a hit song about it.

The other night on the X-Factor, Britney Spears said a 13-year-old contestant reminds her of herself.  The 13-year-old thanked Britney for her comment and immediately quit show business.

A store in New York has a service that allows customers to scan their penis and then print out a 3D replica.  My question is — do they do enlargements? 

When it comes to solving the fiscal cliff, Washington insiders describe John Boehner as "firm but hopeful."  In response, Boehner's wife said, "Then they've got less than 3 minutes to settle this thing."

According to a new poll, most Americans think that Santa Claus is a Democrat. Which is odd, because when you think "fat old white man who hires unskilled labor," you think "Republican."

Just 5 days left of Hanukah for my Jewish friends, just 14 days left till Christmas for my Christian friends and just 10 days left to live for my Mayan friends.  

For the first time ever, Sesame Street is going to be tackling the issue of divorce.  They want to make it clear, that it's never the child's fault, and Ernie and Bert will remain friends.

Today, the CEO of Yahoo announced a faster, simpler version of "Yahoo mail." It's called "Gmail."

The government suspects that the makers of some apps are stealing private information from children. The most suspicious children's app is one called "Dora the Pin Number Explorer."

This year, over 1500 soldiers were kicked out of the Armed Forces for being overweight. Also, half our fighter pilots are now being charged for two seats.

According to a global study, American kids are way behind Asian kids in math and science. But don't worry— American kids are still way head in buying stuff made by Asian kids.

Nick Cannon said that he and his wife Mariah Carey have sex to Mariah Carey music.  Which goes to show you, guys will do anything to have sex.

Sorry, my voice is a little shot. I blew it out last night at a One Direction concert.

It's 12-12-12. 12-12-12 is not only the date- but also the results from the Kardashian sister's IQ test.

President George W. Bush is going to be a grandfather for the first time.  Bush said he doesn't care whether it's a boy or a girl, as long as he doesn't have to share his Legos with it.

In New Jersey, Democrats fear the Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat.  It's unclear if they are talking about the 2013 governor's race or the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest. 

Last night, The Spice Girls musical debuted in London. So, it turns out the Mayans were off by just a few weeks.

A top Vatican scientist has announced that, despite the Mayan Calendar, the world will not end on December 21st. The Vatican scientist then went back to his regular work: Proving tornadoes are caused by gay people.

According to the Census Bureau, white people will not be the majority in the US by the year 2043. So this is even more bad news for the National Hockey League. 

Scientists say they have found evidence of cheese being made 7,500 years ago. The evidence was found at a 7-11 Nacho Bar.

Fashion designers have come out with a new kind of leggings for men, called "Meggings." They're expected to be most popular with a group of men called "Mouchebags."

Nothing says, “I don’t know how to play this video game” like shooting the same oil barrel for 40 minutes.

Everybody I run into lately is talking about the end of the world.  They're not believers in the Mayan apocalypse – they're Laker fans.

Google just implemented changes that will make it more difficult to find porn on the internet.  The announcement was made by Google's new CEO— my wife.

During last night's 12/12/12 concert for victims of Hurricane Sandy, Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that.

In a new interview, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he has hired a personal trainer. They're starting slow – the trainer makes Christie do only 5 laps around the Cinnabon before going in.

Pope Benedict has come out with a children's book.  The book is called, "Stay the hell away from Father O'Malley."

Today is Taylor Swift's 23rd birthday.  Taylor said she just wants to spend a quiet evening at home breaking up with someone. 

Sarah Palin's son Track has filed for divorce from his wife.  Well, good luck finding another woman willing to say, "I love you, Track."

Scientists now believe that homosexuality is passed down directly from father to daughter, and mother to son.  So it's time to face the facts – your dad is a lesbian.

Sesame Street is going to be tackling the topic of divorce.  You can tell it's a tense episode because Cookie Monster now sings "C- is for Cheating Whore."

Just noticed that “egg nog” spelled backwards is “gon gge”. That’s right, I’m holding a mirror and drunk.

According to YouTube, getting drunk is a requirement to drive a pallet loader in a foreign warehouse.

"The Hobbit" came out last weekend; it's the story of a small man wandering around with a ring. That's right – It's about Tom Cruise's search for a new wife.

"The Hobbit" came out on Friday and some critics are saying it's too long. In fact, one critic was so angry he walked out only two days into the film. 

Just three days after its launch, Apple sold more than two million iPhone 5s in China. So even in China, the best gifts are always the ones your kids make.

Over the weekend, two men got engaged at the White House. So I guess the talks between Obama/Boehner are going better than expected.

Over the weekend, a man was arrested trying to break into Taylor Swift's house. It's a good thing police arrived, because if there's one thing we know Taylor's not good at, it's holding onto a man.

Last month many residents of Denver Colorado claim they saw a UFO in the sky. Keep in mind, last month Colorado voted to legalize marijuana.

The hacker who leaked nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson was sentenced to ten years.  Yeah – ten years of awesomeness!

It just came out that the McRib sandwich is not actually made from rib meat. In fact, the McRib's original name was the "Mc-Stuff-That-Didn't-Make-It-Into-The-McNugget."

According to a new study, people addicted to Internet porn have short term memory loss. The study also found that people addicted to Internet porn have short term memory loss.  

Only seven more shopping days until I give my family cash for Christmas.

Sorry my voice is a little bit shot. I've been Christmas Caroling with Metallica.

Well, in just a couple days, most of us are going to have a week of vacation.  I plan to spend my entire week watching "The Hobbit."

Time Magazine named President Obama the Person of the Year.  The editor said they gave it to Obama for winning re-election, passing Obamacare, and being the last person in America to subscribe to Time Magazine.

Some conservatives are accusing Hillary Clinton of faking her recent concussion. Bill Clinton defended her, saying, "Hey, when Hillary fakes something, I know it."

The founder of Domino's Pizza is suing the government because he says Obamacare goes against his pro-life principles. The Dominos founder said, "I believe life begins at conception, and ends with a heart attack at 59."

Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei has joined Facebook. And you thought Facebook was over when your parents joined…

According to a new study, people with type 2 diabetes can reverse their condition with proper diet and lots of exercise. So, in other words, America is still no closer to a cure for Type 2 diabetes.

Historians now think that the ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses III, who ruled 3000 years ago, was actually murdered. Police are currently questioning their prime suspect – Larry King.

At a zoo in China, a tropical bird has been shouting "F you" at visitors. In a related story, Quentin Tarantino's parrot is missing.

In South Carolina, a man was arrested for stealing a blow-up doll of Miley Cyrus. However, the man's alibi is at the time of the robbery, he was at home with his wife, "Styrofoam Jessica Simpson."

According to the Mayans, the world is ending Friday. So, here's how I look at it, we can either do a show right now or have the world's first televised orgy.

This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.

Gotta say, all of my Mayan friends have been pretty quiet today.

This green 1992 Ford Taurus is just a loaner, ladies. You should see my real green 1992 Ford Taurus.

Should I be concerned that my wife gave me a $3,000 gift card for “Big Al’s Powerful Deodorant Hut”?

I think Eva Longoria is stalking me. Just caught her staring at me as I crouch inside her hedges.

I'm hoping this is the year we finally get a prequel to “Norbit.”

I have a solution for the Fiscal Cliff that'll satisfy all and fix the economy. Go to the pay phone near the laundromat. Wait for my call.

I will not see “Les Mis” because it’s too long, and because they went with Amanda Seyfried over me for the part of Cosette.

The New York Jets just fired their general manager. There, all fixed.

I just ate a package of Oreo cookies so I wouldn't binge on them later.

Kim Kardashian & Kanye West have turned down a magazine's offer of $3 million for an exclusive on their baby photos. Kim said, "The first glimpse of our child is a private affair between me and the viewers of the E! Network."

Tickets to President Obama's inauguration have sold out. At least that's what the President is telling Joe Biden.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke her staff gave her a helmet.  This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection.  

Tonight, Notre Dame plays Alabama in the BCS Championship game.  I was home for the holidays so I've had quite enough of the Fighting Irish. 

After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute.  So finally, Americans can get back to not watching hockey.

This week a company introduced a computer that the whole family can use and it's the size of a coffee table. This new computer of the future is called "The Commodore 64."

A newspaper in China is going on strike to protest the government's censorship. Or as China's other newspapers reported it, "Everything is fine - Get back to work."

New York City taxi drivers are now being trained on how to spot and identify a hooker.  Which is good because if there's one thing hookers have perfected it's not being noticed by passing motorists.

Last week, photos surfaced of Justin Bieber smoking marijuana. Fans of Justin Bieber were really were upset and fans of marijuana were really embarrassed.

Tonight, Notre Dame plays Alabama in the BCS Championship game. I was home for the holidays so I’ve had quite enough of the Fighting Irish.

I just bought a painting from an emerging abstract artist, or someone just sold me their napkin.

Last night, Alabama won the national championship by defeating Notre Dame 42-14.  Irish people haven't been this depressed since all the time. 

After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. By the way, the last time Americans went 113 days without watching hockey, it was during last year's hockey season.

A political opponent is accusing New Jersey Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy.  In response, Christie said, "The only weather-related thing I've ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard."

The University of Arizona is now offering a degree in hip-hop. So far, the major's most popular class is, "Intro to Bitches."

Al Roker said that during a visit to the White House, "I pooped my pants."  He's the first person to soil his pants at the White House since Hillary Clinton came home early and surprised Bill.

According to a new poll, Congress is less popular than head lice, Nickelback and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback.

In California, thieves broke into a Microsoft office and only stole the Apple iPads.  Today, a spokesman for Microsoft said, "They're not just thieves, they're also dicks."

A man in Oregon has brewed a beer made just for dogs. Finally – a way to get dogs to lower their sexual inhibitions!

To prepare for these recently announced Ultra HD TVs, I’m having my entire face glazed with smooth porcelain.

This year's Consumer Electronics Show includes a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast.  In a related story – Today Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to "mind its own business."

Apple may be making a less expensive version of their iPhone. They're calling it "a Samsung."

There's a new weight-loss machine that will suck food from your stomach. The machine is called "your index finger."

The movie "Lincoln" received 12 Oscar nominations.  You know what that means: sequel!

A 9-year-old girl was nominated for an Oscar - making her the youngest nominee ever.  She says she's dreamed of winning an Oscar ever since last week. 

During next week's inauguration, President Obama will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles.  I just want to take a second to say— relax Mr. President, we get it— you're not a Muslim.

It's been reported that tickets to President Obama's inauguration are being scalped on Craigslist for $2000.00. If you're interested, send an email to VicePrezJoeB@gmail.com.

Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question: who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is on the cover of Time Magazine. Well, some of him is.

The mayor of Washington, DC, says he wants the Washington Redskins to change their name to something less offensive.  So they are changing it to the Maryland Redskins. 

Some McDonald's are now replacing the toy that came in Happy Meals with a book. The title of the book is, "Being a kid in 2013 Blows."

There's a new trend of pregnant women trying to induce labor by having sex in the delivery room. In a related story, there's a new trend of babies being born and saying, "Good God— what the hell was that !"

The University of Arizona now offers a degree in hip-hop. Trust me— that's one class where you don't want to cheat off the Asian kid.

A 9-year-old African-American girl was nominated for an Oscar. How good is she? She played the title role in "Lincoln."

The big news story of the day is incredible, and I have a humorous take on it.

Today Los Angeles reached record low temperatures – in some areas in the low 30's. When reached for comment, the rest of the country said, "Just keep making TV shows you pussies."

Residents of Los Angeles have been unprepared for the bitter cold.  Apparently, Kim Kardashian wore so many layers today that people thought she was Khloe.

During an emotional speech last night at the Golden Globes, Jodie Foster said she was gay, fifty and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, "I'm going to need a raise."

Mel Gibson attended the Golden Globes. He was nominated in the category "Most uncomfortable sitting between the Speilbergs and the Weinsteins."

President Obama is coming under a lot of criticism that his new Administration has less diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama said, "Alright fine, I am a Muslim."

President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the U.S.

There's a new app that shows you how alcohol will age you. When I was a kid, we did this by looking at our father.

Over the weekend, the Miss America pageant was won by a woman from Brooklyn.  She was the first winner to stroll down the runway and say, "Hey— I'm walking here."

At Orlando International Airport, a female passenger slapped a female TSA agent after an invasive pat-down. Officials have demanded that the incident be investigated, and then rebroadcast on Pay-Per-View.

In Japan, men who are cheating on their partners are using a special phone called "The Infidelity Phone." Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger calls it, "a phone."

Steven Tyler and his fiancée have reportedly split up. The fiancée explained that she "just wants to date other old gypsy women."

A company has developed a vending machine that sells marijuana.  In a related story, the recession is over.

I can’t believe we’re almost four years away from someone using “Gangnam Style” as a deliberately outdated comedy reference.

It's freezing here in Los Angeles – It's so cold, this morning Lindsay Lohan intentionally crashed her car into a blanket store.

We're currently experiencing record cold temperatures in Los Angeles.  The city is almost as cold as the Lakers' starting five.

Oprah Winfrey said she conducted an "intense" 2 and a half hour interview with Lance Armstrong.  Oprah Winfrey said she never would have had the stamina if Lance hadn't given her a little something to keep going.

President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit, because the US is "not a deadbeat nation." Then the President added, "By the way – If China calls, I'm not here!"

Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. It's already being called the best "that's what she said" joke ever.

Wal-Mart announced plans to hire 100,000 US veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.

A survivalist group is trying to build a gated community which would house up to 7,000 like-minded families. They're calling this conservative compound, "Orange County."

The makers of a Star Wars video game are now introducing a new version that features a "gay planet." Also, now the game begins with the words, "A long time ago, like, SOOO last week…"

In an interview, actress Megan Fox compared fame to being bullied in high school. I agree – I'll never forget that day when jocks cornered me in the gym and paid me millions of dollars to star in "Transformers."

My version of a celebrity roast is getting cut off in traffic by Wilmer Valderrama.

After a long cold spell, it's finally starting to warm up here in Los Angeles.   In fact, the only thing still frozen in this town is Bruce Jenner's face. 

It's been reported that if you're playing Angry Birds, the company is tracking your location. This may seem silly to you but it's actually how we got Bin Laden. 

At a recent auction, Leonardo DiCaprio won a night with Bill Clinton. The versatile performer, who's known in Hollywood as a major ladies' man, says he can't wait to meet Leo DiCaprio.

A health advocacy group has criticized the Cheesecake Factory for offering meals that contain over 3,000 calories. Today, the CEO of the Cheesecake Factory said, "What part of "Factory of Cheese and Cake" don't you understand?"

The director of "Zero Dark Thirty," has come out against torture. And in a related story, the director of "Lincoln" has come out against going to the theater in 1865.

An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called "lazy," "irresponsible," and "three years ahead of his time."

The new version of MySpace officially launched yesterday. You can read all about it on AOL.

Dunkin' Donuts is planning to expand into Southern California. If that happens, people in Southern California will expand into Arizona.

In a new interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he is "very proud" of his children. Then he added, "At least the ones I've met." 

Subway's facing backlash from angry customers who are complaining about the foot long sub only being 11 inches.  Subway, I know what you're going through. 

When I die, I want to become a blue hologram who follows Jedis around, making fun of their hairstyles.

After being stripped of his of his Tour de France wins, today, Lance Armstrong was told he has to give back his Olympic bronze medal. Even worse, tomorrow they're going to take away his Latin Grammy.

The international Olympic Committee is going to strip Lance Armstrong of his bronze medal. Of course the real scandal here is that the guy was on steroids and he only came in third.

Notre Dame football player Manti Te'o is caught up in a scandal about his having an imaginary girlfriend. He's being accused of fraud, deception, and plagiarizing me in high school.

Some say the hoax involving Manti Te'o's girlfriend could harm his ranking in the draft. On the other hand, it could open up an entirely new branch of "fantasy football."

Sources say that Tiger Woods wants to re-marry his ex-wife and may be willing to agree to a no-cheating clause.  This special clause would be known as a "wedding vow."

A new study shows that NYC is doing better than LA at eliminating childhood obesity. Mostly because, in New York, they force the fat kids to move out and become the governor of New Jersey.

Yesterday Mark Zuckerberg demonstrated how Facebook's new search engine can help single people find other singles. Then someone had to explain to Zuckerberg, Facebook is not for finding new partners, it's for stalking old ones.

A group of nutritionists criticized the Cheesecake Factory for offering a pasta dish that has over 3,000 calories. After hearing about it, a spokesperson for the Olive Garden said, "What the hell is pasta?"

Kim Kardashian says she will not allow cameras into the delivery room. She said, "That private part of my body is reserved for my boyfriend and anyone who owns a computer." 

Who knew it was considered “harassment” to ask female interns if my Speedo’s too tight?

My wife and I each have a celebrity we're allowed to sleep with, no strings attached. Hers is Ryan Gosling. Mine is also Ryan Gosling.

The only way this Manti Te'o story could get any weirder is if it turns out HE'S not real either.

In his inaugural address, President Obama said, "America's possibilities are limitless." Unfortunately, at that moment Lance Armstrong shouted out, "That's what I used to think."

Today marked the first time a President used the word "gay" in an Inauguration Speech.  It was the part of the speech where Obama pointed to the Washington Monument and said, "Whoever designed that must have been pretty gay."

President Obama said his second term will be a chance to finish what he started. Then he got out his iPhone and downloaded the last two seasons of "Sons of Anarchy."

Vice President Joe Biden was also sworn in for his second term today. Biden swore on a Bible to uphold the Constitution and to "keep doing whatever it is I do."

During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan.

People are complaining that Katy Perry wore a very revealing outfit at the Kids' Inaugural Ball on Saturday. At least now people know why Bill Clinton was at the Kids' Inaugural Ball.

For the first time ever, both Super Bowl teams are coached by brothers. Today, their father told them, "Boys, no matter what happens, I'll only be disappointed in one of you."

Katie Couric will interview Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o about his "imaginary girlfriend."  Te'o says he's not only being interviewed by Couric, they're also dating.

A new study claims that having a sexist father can put a damper on the daughter's ambitions. In other words, don't expect big things from Ashley Ahmadinejad.

Here in California, they're about to open the world's first hotel made entirely of Legos. It's expected to do better than last year's "Jenga Bed And Breakfast."

"Harry Potter" star Daniel Radcliffe is in a new movie where he appears in some gay sex scenes. It's called "Harry Potter & The Prison Shower of Azkaban."

At the Inaugural Ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves.  In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans.

Some people believe Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito fell asleep during yesterday's inauguration. In fact, cameras briefly caught the other justices laughing and drawing penises on Alito's face.

Yesterday, Richard Blanco became America's first openly gay Latino inauguration poet. Afterwards, Blanco said, "I'm living proof that anyone can overcome the obstacle of being a poet."

A new report says obesity rates are climbing among the young people of China. Ok, Chinese students – beating the United States in math and science is one thing, but NOW it's personal.

Video game maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset, they're organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan.

In a new sex survey, 40% of couples say they have sex 3 or 4 times a week.  The other 60% are married.

For 49 cents, McDonald's is giving customers the option to add bacon to any order. Not to be outdone, Olive Garden announced that for 50 cents, they will add Italian food to any order.

Johnny Depp is reportedly single after his girlfriend left him for another woman.  Depp said he's both deeply hurt and aroused. 

Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer to appear on "Dancing with the Stars."  Lohan said, "If I want to see the stars, I'll crash into a telephone pole."

My son just built a Death Star out of LEGOs, which is scary since the LEGO kit was for a barn.

There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson.  Clinton said, "That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way."

Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President Obama's inauguration. Tyler said, "I know how she feels, I did the same thing at the Harry Truman Inauguration."

Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new "Terminator" film. Due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, "I'll be back right after ‘Wheel of Fortune.'"

In Japan, a senior official is in trouble for saying that, in order to save money, elderly people should, "hurry up and die."  Of course, if he loses his job, he has a bright future writing Mother's Day cards.

In Florida, a naked man broke into a home, emptied out the vacuum cleaner and then pleasured himself. In a related story, Dyson has a new spokesman!

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton was grilled by congressmen about the attack on Benghazi. Then out of habit, she grilled them about where they were last night and who's this "Megan?"

Apple has reported a drop in profits this past quarter. Experts warn that, if things don't pick up soon, Apple could run out of money 600 years from now.

The Pentagon has decided to allow women to serve in combat. The hope is that we can now finally defeat The Taliban by giving them the silent treatment.

North Korea said it will test a rocket that they hope will hit the United States. In other words, watch your back, middle of the Pacific Ocean!

The Pope is urging Catholics to use Facebook and Twitter because he says that they are "portals of truth."  Then he tweeted, "These Doritos Locos Tacos are mad good."

Big news in the NBA – The New Orleans Hornets have announced plans to change their name to the New Orleans Pelicans.  Meanwhile, the Lakers want to change their name to the Clippers.

Turns out, the practical joker who posed as Manti Te'o girlfriend was a man who used a high falsetto voice. I'm sorry, but this time, I think Adam Sandler has gone too far.

The FDA has approved the very first robot doctor.  When asked about it, the robot doctor said, "I'm sorry – we don't take your insurance."

A new study says 84% of American parents lie to their children regularly. The most common lie told by fathers is, "I'm too tired to play," and the most common lie told by mothers is, "Yes, he's your father."

My insistence on cuddling afterwards has taken all the fun out of masturbation.

Historical fact: the term "baker's dozen" comes from 1692 Salem, where townsfolk unfamiliar with yeast burned 13 bakers at the stake.

My apologies to the nice people at the Lady Foot Locker in Sherman Oaks. That’s all I can legally say for now.

NJ gov. Chris Christie has rejected an increase to the minimum wage.  As result, Christie got a lot of dirty looks today when he went to McDonald's, Arbys, Wendys, Burger King and Long John Silvers.

A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as "lucky."

The CEO of Barnes and Noble said that, because of the internet, they are being forced to close up to a third of their stores. Then he said, "Good luck using the bathroom at Amazon.com."

Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space. Iran is calling it a huge advancement in not letting women drive.

Due to the recession, many states are considering selling off the names of public facilities to corporations. I just want to say, I find that disgusting, and so does Andy "Extreme Ranch Doritos" Richter.

A fan is suing the San Antonio Spurs because, at the game he attended, the star players were benched. Meanwhile, in LA, a fan is suing the Lakers because at the game he attended, the star players played.

I keep offering my brain to science, and science keeps saying, "No, we're good."

Jackie Harbaugh, the mother of the two team's coaches, says she would really like the Super Bowl to end in a tie. However, just to be safe, she's got 20 grand on the Ravens.

A specially programmed computer has predicted the 49ers to win over the Ravens in the Super Bowl this year. So, earlier today, that computer was stabbed by Ray Lewis.

It's being reported that Korean Pop Star Psy will appear in a Super Bowl commercial. And then, finally, he will go away forever.

Earlier today, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took questions on Facebook.  Then afterwards, Bill Clinton showed her how to erase her browser history. 

There's a campaign to change Kentucky's state slogan to "Kentucky Kicks Ass." This replaces their current state slogan, "At Least We're Not Alabama."

Today, the Secretary of Transportation announced he's stepping down.  When asked why, he said, "My commute is a bitch."

This weekend, Pope Benedict XVI released a dove from his window, only to see it get viciously attacked by a seagull. So, either there is no God, or there is a God and he's hilarious.

Taco Bell announced that they will be releasing Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. This is part of Taco Bell's ongoing plan to combine Mexican food with every snack at the gas station.

Ben and Jerry's has announced a new flavor based on a popular TV show. It's a nice idea, but I'm not sure people are going to want scoop of "Law & Order: Special Victims Yogurt."

You’d better get a piano crate if you want to bury me with all the airline earphones I’ve accumulated.

The Super Bowl is Sunday; quick poll: How many of you are rooting for the Ravens?  How many for the 49ers?  And who's going to blow the whole thing off to watch Downton Abbey?

The head coaches for this Super Bowl are two brothers Jim and John Harbaugh.  Their Mom promises, whatever the outcome, she plans on calling the loser after the game and telling him he's adopted.

China is launching their own version of the TV show "Friends". In the Chinese version, 6 attractive young people live together in an iPad factory.

In Colorado, a high school math teacher has been suspended after she tweeted half-nude photos of herself.  In her defense, the math teacher was trying to teach the kids fractions.  

A new study has found that leafy greens are the leading cause of food poisoning. So Americans have nothing to worry about.

A photo has surfaced of Justin Bieber groping a fan's breast.  Bieber said, "I wasn't groping the breast, I'm still breast-feeding."

Told my son there are 8 sides on a stop sign. He said “and an MMA fighting cage.”

My Super Bowl rule: never bet on a team named after an Edgar Allan Poe poem.

Sorry if I'm a little down. I lost $200 in last night's Super Bowl – I bet on "electricity."

During the Super Bowl last night there was a 35 minute blackout.  Afterwards, Lindsay Lohan said, "So that wasn't just me?"

After the game, Super Bowl MVP Joe Flacco announced his wife is pregnant.  Apparently, he went against NFL rules and impregnated the woman he's married to.

One Super Bowl ad that tested very poorly with both men and women was the GoDaddy ad with the supermodel making out with the nerd.  In fact, the only person who liked that ad was the nerd.

U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were back up dancers for Beyonce.

McDonald's is now selling "Fish McBites,"- pieces of fried seafood. When asked how much actual fish is in a ‘Fish McBite,' a McDonald's spokesman said "I can't McHear you."

A new study reveals that straight men who watch porn are more likely to support same-sex marriage. The study also found that straight men who don't watch porn are lying.  

I don’t mean to name-drop, but I was just ignored by Kato Kaelin.

During the Ravens' Super Bowl celebration, the Super Bowl trophy went missing.  Coach John Harbaugh immediately called his mother and said, "Mom make Jim give it back."

After the game, Super Bowl MVP Joe Flacco announced his wife is pregnant. In response, Dan Marino said, "I can explain."

A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world.  In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding.

North Korea has released a propaganda video using the song "We Are the World."  At this rate, North Korea may soon have the technical knowledge to solve the Rubik's cube.

According to a new report, the US is number one in plastic surgery worldwide with over 3 million procedures performed a year. Number two is Brazil and number three is Bruce Jenner.

A recent study found that a man's sperm count will be lowered if he watches more than 20 hours of television a week. Or – 20 minutes of the "The View." 

Scientists have found the remains of England's 15th Century King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn't find his ticket so he'll be charged the day rate.

Adult film star Coco Brown will be the first porn star in space.  NASA officials admitted they are a little worried that the rocket she's riding may blast off prematurely. 

Let me get this straight - we can put a man on the moon but we can’t replace the sound of my toilet flushing with a rimshot?

Next year's Super Bowl takes place in New Jersey and the NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout.  This will involve keeping Gov. Chris Christie away from his microwave.

Beyonce's publicist is busy trying to get seven unflattering photos of Beyonce removed from the internet. The publicist is described by friends as "hard-working" and "new to the internet."

A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie "Lincoln" are historically inaccurate.  Particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark.

Breast augmentation surgery is now the most common plastic surgery procedure in the US. However, guys, it's still not a great last-minute Valentine's Day gift.

There's a new smartphone app that lets you communicate with your house plants. The app is called "iWillDieAlone."

Yesterday, the Kansas Supreme Court ruled that strippers can collect unemployment.  However, they cannot ask the clerk at the Unemployment Office to "make it rain."

That's right – strippers can now collect unemployment.  Of course, if you're a stripper who can't get work, you're probably in the wrong profession.

My kids have that Asian flu where their throats hurt and their math scores are up.

CBS is warning Grammy performers against wearing anything that will expose their breasts. This warning is aimed primarily at Cee Lo.

The Justice Department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens. And in a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show.

Asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, "It's not my thing." He went on to say, "Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years."

As of today, the US Senate has a record number of African-American senators…two.  In other words, there are now more African-Americans in the Senate than at a Mumford and Sons concert.

There's a new trend where people watch television that they despise and it's called, "Hate-watching."  Speaking of hate watching – Hi, mom! 

Home Depot plans to hire 80,000 new employees. The CEO said, "If your skills include avoiding customers and hiding in the break room –welcome aboard!"  

A 105-year-old woman has become the oldest user on Facebook. She mostly uses Facebook to post pictures of her 81 year old baby.

A new "breast-themed" restaurant chain is opening to compete with Hooters.  When asked what kind of food they'll be serving, the CEO said, "Who cares?"

Police were called when one of the Octomom's kids went missing, but when they arrived they found him at home.  Octomom apologized and said, "Sorry, he slipped back into my uterus when I wasn't looking."

It’s fun going through the Bible and highlighting all the “begats."

I just did a cameo in the porn movie “Flesh Police” as Jimmy, the castrated desk clerk.

Pope Benedict announced that he is retiring. It's a pretty dramatic change – it means he'll go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.

Pope Benedict XVI has said he will resign at the end of the month. It marked the first time in history that anyone has uttered the Latin phrase for "Peace Out, Bitches."

CBS reportedly tried to avoid profanity at last night's Grammys by running the entire show on a 10-second delay. Or as Taylor Swift calls it, "The length of a typical relationship."

Katy Perry appeared at the Grammys last night with visible side boob.  By the way, Visible Side Boob is also Joe Biden's secret service name.

In the Grammy for best spoken word album, Bill Clinton lost along with Ellen DeGeneres and Rachel Maddow.  Afterwards Clinton said, "It was an honor just to hear my name sandwiched between two lesbians."

Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet.  Bush said, "If you like these, wait till you see my self-portraits of other people."

Yesterday was the beginning of the Chinese New Year.  Of course if we don't fix the deficit, Americans will soon refer to the Chinese New Year as the New Year.

Over the weekend, Chris Brown crashed his car into a wall. Chris has since apologized and said he thought the wall was cheating on him.

There's a new app that tells you how smart your dog is. Here's how it works – If you bought the app, your dog is smarter than you.

According to a new dating survey, what men and women want most in a partner are good grammar and good teeth. Which is why I never did well with my pick-up line, "I ain't don't never floss."

The Navy Seal responsible for killing Osama Bin Laden said he's having trouble finding work. My advice – charge $10 per high five, you'll be a billionaire by the weekend.

I still can’t get a publisher for my new novel, “Unpublishable”.

There is a lot of speculation about who is going to be the next Pope.  They're looking for someone younger, someone Catholic and someone celibate, so folks – I think I've got a shot.

Just a few hours after the Pope announced his resignation, the Vatican was struck by lightning.  Sounds like somebody's not handling the break up well.

The rebuttal to President Obama's speech will be given by Senator Marco Rubio.  Or as he's known in the Republican party, "Our black guy."

Lean Cuisine has recalled some of their frozen dinners because they may contain shards of glass.   It's too bad, because people were really losing weight with those.

The Atlanta Braves baseball team has decided to stop using the "Screaming Indian" logo because it's offensive. Unfortunately, the logo they've replaced it with is "Asian Kid Getting Into Harvard."

The head of the Westminster Dog Show said that the competition will not tolerate steroid use among the dogs. Which is bad news for the "Tiny-Balled Rage-a-Doodle."

The makers of alcoholic energy drink Four Loko are being required to have more accurate labeling. From now on, it will be known by its official name, "Douchebag Juice."

The National Enquirer is hinting that O.J. Simpson has performed gay acts in prison.  So apparently, he's been riding a different white Bronco.

Just found out that my jazz fusion quartet, Celestial Seasonings, is getting sued by some friggin’ tea company.

This Valentine's Day, White Castle restaurants will offer a discount to couples who dine there. Because there's no better way to tell a woman you love her than to pay even less at a White Castle.

Today Pope Benedict XVI presided over his last public Mass as pontiff. You could tell he was phoning it in because he repeatedly used the Latin phrase for "Whatevs."

The Vatican said that, as soon as The Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible.  The Vatican said, "It's the same thing that happened to Oprah Winfrey."

The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union was given by Senator Marco Rubio. Just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do.

Yesterday, the International Olympic Committee decided to drop Greco-Roman wrestling from the Olympics.  The explanation— Who needs Greco Roman wrestling when there's gay porn on the Internet.

Experts are predicting that the success of Amazon is going to lead to the closure of many Radio Shacks.  When reached for comment, The CEO of Radio Shack said, "Wait, there are still Radio Shacks?"

In a new interview, Taylor Swift says, "I never chase boys." Swift went on to say, "Once they escape from the compound, they're free to leave."

A man in Georgia was arrested after stealing a Krispy Kreme donut truck.  Or as it's known in America, "a crime of passion."

A spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas, died this week of a heart attack. In a related story, the spokesman for Hooters died in the most awesome way imaginable.

I’m thinking of getting one of those cross-bred dogs but I can’t decide between a Chihuahuaweilleranian and a Saint Bernauzeroodle.

It's Valentine's Day.   If any of you are alone today, I say it could be worse — you could be on a cruise ship.

Passengers on the Carnival cruise ship are going to the bathroom in zip lock bags. That explains Norwegian Cruise Line's new slogan, "Passengers on the Carnival cruise ship are going to the bathroom in zip lock bags."

One of the passengers on board that cruise ship with the raw sewage had to be airlifted off the boat.  Apparently he came down with a bad case of "There's shit-everywhere-itis."

According to a new poll, a majority of women want their man to propose on Valentine's Day.  The same poll revealed men would rather propose on April Fool's Day. 

According to a new report, over half of Americans sent their Valentine's Day cards online. That's also the same percentage who'll be getting their Valentine's Day sex online.

Iran has released a photo of its supposed new stealth plane but experts say is clearly Photoshopped.  The most obvious red flag is that it's being flown upside down by Denzel Washington.

The Vatican confirmed that Pope Benedict XVI hit his head during a trip to Mexico. Apparently, when he came to, his first words were, "I'm the WHAT?"

Warren Buffett is reportedly trying to buy the Heinz Ketchup company. His plan is turn the company upside down, and then just wait…

Maggie Smith who is one of the stars of "Downton Abbey" revealed she's never seen the show.  Smith said she got the idea of being on a show and never watching it from Andy Richter.

In Minnesota, a woman was arrested for throwing a tampon at police officers.  She could get 30 days by which point we'll have to go through this all over again.

In South Carolina, a man was arrested after he began masturbating during a job interview.  It all started when he was asked, "Any special skills?"

This Valentine's Day, show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

Billy Dee Williams was offered a role in "Django Unchained" -- but he didn’t want the Dee to be silent.

In honor of President’s Day, I won’t be getting along with Congress.

The fifth "Die Hard" movie was #1 at the Box office this weekend. This one features Bruce Willis trying to rescue people from a Carnival Cruise.

The big film at the box office was the fifth "Die Hard" movie. This one's entitled, "Why Won't You Just Die Already?

Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods but afterwards, Obama wouldn't say who won. In a related story, Tiger Woods beat the President at golf.

The Italian press is reporting that the next pope could be the Cardinal from Boston.  If he gets the job, he'll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring.

Google is reportedly looking to open a chain of retail stores.  This would allow you to walk into a store and actually ask a salesman for "hot Asian booty action." 

A top food manufacturer is reporting that some of their pasta meals contain horsemeat.  So I'd stay away from the Rigatoni My Little Pony.

Yesterday, Burger King's official Twitter account got hacked. When asked for comment, people who follow  Burger King on Twitter were too embarrassed to identify themselves.

A high school hockey team was forced to forfeit a game after filming themselves doing The Harlem Shake. They're being charged with "Unsportsmanlike Conduct" and "Being So 2 Weeks Ago."

In Virginia, a pizza shop owner is giving discounts to customers who bring a gun into the restaurant. I hate to break it to them, but every store has that discount.

Best Actor nominee Bradley Cooper said that his date to the Oscars will be his mother. You'll recognize her – She'll be the only woman there that doesn't want to sleep with Bradley Cooper.

Many Pakistanis are saying that "Zero Dark Thirty" contains factual errors.  Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that "being directed by a woman" does not qualify as a "factual error."

It's been reported that, after the Pope retires, he'll receive a relatively small pension. So don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk holding a sign that reads, "Will Pope For Food."

It's being reported that the next pope could be a Cardinal from Boston. Which means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankees fans.

In a new interview, Denzel Washington said that he prefers not having any celebrity friends.  So Denzel give me a call – let's hang out. 

In an interview to promote "Kourtney and Kim Take Miami,"  Kim Kardashian says Kanye West taught her the importance of privacy. For more on Kim and privacy, be sure to watch E! this Sunday, at 9 PM Eastern.  

In Colombia, police are looking for a woman who poured boiling water on her husband's genitals.  Apparently, somebody misunderstood the term "tea-bagging." 

This Sunday, everyone will be tuning in to the big Oscar telecast and "Lincoln" is a big favorite.  Of course, like Lincoln, most people won't stick around for the whole show.

This year, producers have dropped the name "Academy Awards" and are just calling it "The Oscars" since that's how people refer to it. For the same reason, "The Tonys" are being renamed, "The Gay Olympics."

At this year's Oscars, instead of attractive models handing out the statues, 6 college film students have been chosen. So now every winning actor will receive a trophy and a crappy screenplay.

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time where Jesus' death is blamed on "Obamacare."

Next month, Mitt Romney will be making his first public speech after losing the election. His topic will be, "Rebuilding Your Life With Just a Hope, A Dream, and $230 Million."

A new report predicts that in California, Hispanics will become the majority by next year. In fact, just yesterday I saw ten white guys hanging out in front of a Home Depot.

A clothing company has come out with new 3D T-shirts. Which is great, but you know who's been wearing 3-D t-shirts for years? Women.

Mark Hamill, who played Luke Skywalker 35 years ago is in talks to appear in the new "Star Wars" movie. In this one he'll go by the name Luke Mall-Walker.

Kim Kardashian recently said if she wasn't doing what she was doing, she would want to be a Crime Scene Investigator. Kardashian said, "I'm qualified because I've spent most of my life collecting DNA samples."

Just hired Dr. Dre to produce my first rap album, “Ladies Be Frightening."

I relate a little too much to that new Marvel superhero, Captain Needy.

Jennifer Lawrence: Sorry I couldn't be your Oscar date tonight, but Emmanuelle Riva is going to be there - and you know how my exes are.

After "Argo" won for best picture, Ben Affleck gave a speech where he said his marriage "is work." Which made him the first man in history to NOT get laid after winning an Oscar.

Last night, a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars were being held. So, the show won an Oscar for "Best Portrayal of a Carnival Cruise."

A big winner last night was "Life of Pi", a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, a zebra, an orangutan and a Bengal tiger. Which, oddly enough, is also the plot of "The Hangover 3."

Today, South Korea's first female president was sworn in.  Meanwhile, North Korea said, "We're just going to stick with men named Kim."

"Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" will now air in three new continents. Which means the show will be translated into Spanish, Arabic and, maybe someday, English.

Traces of horsemeat have been discovered in IKEA's Swedish meatballs. Wow, it almost makes you want to stop taking your family to dinner at a furniture store.

At the Oscars, none of the winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep.

Pope Benedict says he will stop wearing his red Prada shoes because he prefers a pair of loafers he tried on in Mexico. Then the Pope interrupted his discussion of Prada and shoe-shopping to once again condemn homosexuality.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has now officially reversed his opposition to Obamacare. Of course, safety regulations require that whenever Chris Christie reverses himself, he must go "BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!"

The beef scandal has hit South Africa: this time products have been found containing donkey, water buffalo and goat. So if you're ever eating in South Africa, don't order the McPettingZoo.

It's being reported that next season, "Downton Abbey" will feature its first black character. Producers hope this will lead to Downton Abbey's first black viewer.

In Britain, a man is suing because his doctor removed the wrong testicle.  His doctor said, "I know I screwed up but if he gives me one more chance, I'm sure I can get it right."

Longevity scientists claim that compared to last century, 72 is the new 30. However, they said that Larry King is still very very old.

Scientists have discovered the reason why women talk more than men. It's because they think we're listening.

Over the weekend, Snooki auctioned off her old SUV on eBay for $77,000. The well-handled machine with distressed leather interior that can comfortably fit eight said she'd miss the car.

Today, the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of "Dancing with the Stars."

Pope Benedict has revealed that after he steps down, he will destroy his papal ring. In keeping with Vatican law, he'll destroy the ring by casting it back into the fires of Mordor.

The Pope said that the past few years have been difficult and at times he felt that, "the Lord seemed to sleep." When asked for comment, the Lord said, "You try staying awake through a Latin Mass."

When they aired the Oscars in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama's gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis.

The producers of "Downton Abbey" have revealed that the show will have its first black character.  Next season, Lord Grantham will receive a special visit from Sir Mix-a-Lot.

Senior citizens are now catching STDs at a record rate.  Now old guys are getting up in the middle of the night to scream while they pee.

Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts, which, by the way, are only 6 points a serving!"

A court ruled that James Brown's estate was not being divided up the way he wanted it. Unfortunately it's hard to tell, because all his will states is "Divide up, divide on up."

A 114-year-old woman in Japan is now officially the world's oldest woman. This was exciting news for the world's 2nd oldest woman, Steven Tyler.

The line between hipster and homeless gets thinner by the day-scarf.

Today was Pope Benedict's last day at work.  So right now all the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee's.

Today, the Pope spoke to over 100 cardinals and said, "Among you is the future pope." Then the Pope said, "Now Enter the Octagon!"

If the budget cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays of up to 90 minutes. Or as Jet Blue calls it, "An on-time departure."

Automatic budget cuts could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival Cruise.

In Ohio, a 106 year old woman is finally about to get her high school diploma. Which means next month, she'll start visiting colleges with her parents.

Yahoo redesigned its homepage in an effort to get people to visit more frequently.  They've also changed their URL to Google.com."

At a One Direction concert in Scotland, a fan threw a shoe that hit Harry Styles in the crotch.  Then, for the rest of the concert, he sang with a man's voice.

Former KISS star Ace Frehley is facing foreclosure on his New York home. To save money, the former Kiss guitarist will only rock and roll only half of the night, and party every other day.

Two Americans who were reported missing were discovered in perfect health, living in the Peruvian jungle. Well, personally, I'm just glad that Heidi and Spencer are ok.

The NFL is warning teams that they are not allowed to ask a potential draft pick if he is gay. However, they are allowed to ask him to "go deep" and see what he does.

I love how Vine lets me record 6-second videos - it’s perfect for making sex tapes.

Cardinals are all starting to gather in Rome.  It's like a Star Trek convention only less celibate.

The Vatican tailor has unveiled three white Papal robes for whoever the new Pope is, in small, medium, and large. Or, in the event that the new Pope is from America, Double XL.

Dennis Rodman said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Unfortunately, President Obama was busy discussing Iran's nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen.

In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney said it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he'll always think of it as the one house he couldn't buy.

In the same interview, Ann Romney blamed the media for her husband's Mitt Romney's defeat. Her quote was, "It's not fair – They kept reporting exactly what he said."

President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart executive Sylvia Burrel to be his budget director. The president says he's excited by her experience at Wal-mart, and Sylvia Burrell says she's excited to be making more than 9.85 per hour.

Today, Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It's getting nasty – Each presidential candidate's accusing the other of being born in Kenya.

Lamborghini just unveiled their new car that lists at $4 million. So for the Lamborghini customer that works out to $1 million per inch of penis.

In the UK, horsemeat was found in some products at Taco Bell. Which explains Taco Bell's new slogan "You can lead a horse to Taco Bell – we'll take it from there."

Don’t you hate it when the false bottom on your sock drawer holds less than 10 Victoria’s Secret catalogs?

In Rome, the search is on for the new Pope. I just want to put it out there— I look really good in a Pope hat.

Cardinals from all over the world are now gathering in Rome to select the next pope. You can watch the entire process on the new season of "Vatican's Got Talent."

The top choice to be the new Pope could be a Canadian.  If elected Pope, his first act will be to grant saint hood to Wayne Gretzki and Celine Dion.

A big snowstorm set to hit Washington DC is being called, "The Snowquester."  Democrats say it could be 10 inches – Republicans want it cut down to 2. 

The automatic budget cuts could lead to a huge drop in food inspections.  So be careful – if you eat at the Olive Garden, your meal may contain trace amounts of Italian food.

In his new book, former President George H.W. Bush defends his son George W. Bush.  The book is called, "Do You Know How Many Times We Dropped Him?"

Believe it or not Al Qaeda has started an English language advice column. Not to be outdone, today the Taliban released its 10 favorite ways to cook chicken.

Marriott is teaming up with IKEA on a new line of hotels. And they'll do it again in five years after the hotels fall apart.

Researchers say they have now figured out exactly what caused the crash of the Hindenburg. The culprit – "Time-Travelling Lindsay Lohan."

Last night, Justin Bieber outraged fans by showing up two hours late for his concert.  In fact, I gotta tell you – I almost left.

A new study found that red meat can help reduce the symptoms of PMS. But, whatever you do, never tell a woman with PMS, "Sounds like someone needs a hamburger."

Cool Ranch-flavored lube. #JustPuttingItOutThere

A major Snowstorm has hit the east coast.  And in Washington DC, everything ground to a halt, absolutely no work got done, and then the snowstorm hit.

Due to the budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been cancelled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, "Now I'll never see it!"

Today, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. Once again, just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

A poll found that most American Catholics want the new pope to be younger and hipper.  In other words, they want the pope mobile to have truck nuts.

Lawmakers in Hawaii passed a new law called "The Steven Tyler Act." Basically, the law gives men the right to gradually morph into old women.

Wrangler is coming out with a pair of jeans that claims to fight cellulite as you wear them. So finally, a pair of jeans your boyfriend can say you look fat in, but not for long.

A new study showed that senior citizens who play video games are happier. Apparently senior citizens' two favorite games are "Resident Evil" and "The Microwave."

Is it a Freudian slip when you mean to say “saxophone” and you actually say “Man, I sure would love to have hot steamy phone sex?”

President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner at a restaurant last night and the President personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, the Republicans said, "Typical democrat –spend, spend, spend!"

North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question: what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?

Last week horsemeat was discovered in IKEA's meatballs and this morning, it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs.  This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store. 

In Maine, a man was convicted of turning a fitness gym into a brothel. Police became suspicious when people signed up for the gym and then actually went their regularly. 

Demi Moore's divorce is proceeding and it turns out she wants alimony from Ashton Kutcher. If Demi's suit is successful they'll have to rename the show "One And A Quarter Men."

Justin Bieber recently went on a twitter rant and listed things he was angry about. #1 is the media, #2 is the paparazzi, #3 is Justin Bieber songs.

Scientists have recently created a robot that can bake cookies. And by scientists I mean two stoned kids that work at a Radio Shack.

In Oklahoma, a woman was arrested with a gun in her vagina and bags of meth in her butt. She's facing charges, but on the plus side she has been hired as the new spokesperson for the Container Store.

If you have a table that you use just for scrapbooking, chances are we don’t agree on what’s funny.

I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.

Despite budget cuts, the Obamas' dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said, "Wait - so why am I still taking the train?"

After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump has offered to pay for them. All he's asking is that they rename it "The Trump White House and Casino." 

President Obama's half-brother ran for political office in Kenya, lost, and has claimed electoral fraud. Or as Fox News abbreviated the story: "Obama… Kenya… fraud."

Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the Cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida.

Britain's Queen Elizabeth has signed a statement supporting gay rights. She said, "Trust me, I'm not the only queen in this family."  

The former Mayor of Detroit was convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty harsh – he has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit.

People are wondering if Selena Gomez called ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber a "douchebag" in her new song.  It's the song called, "Justin Bieber is a Douchebag."

Google has unveiled a "talking shoe" that comments on your running performance.  The shoe says three phrases, "Keep going", "Just a little further" and "Get off me, Fatty."

Scientists believe they are on the verge of coming up with a new drug that could help people live to be 150.  It's perfect for anyone who's ever reached 100 and said, "Please - 50 more years of this!"

Turns out Folgers in my cup is only the 27th best part of waking up.

The Pope gets to choose his new name. Experts say the #1 choice for the new pope's name is John and the # 2 choice is Leo.  A distant 3rd, "Jayden."

The Cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don't reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they're working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.

The Cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new pope and they don't have access to the internet.  This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors more important – any ‘Walking Dead' spoilers.

A company is developing drones that can be used to pick up and deliver items to customers. So, if you see a drone coming, someone in the area has either joined Al Qaeda or Netflix.

The NFL's oldest player Jason Hansen said he will be coming back for a 22nd season. When asked if he's worried about 22 seasons of hits to the head, he responded, "No, me football brain good for!"

A hacker has published Kim Kardashian's financial information online. Kim is asking people to stop looking online at her private financial information and go back to watching her sex tape.

Some ships are now offering "cougar cruises" for older women to meet younger men.  At last count, 5,000 women have signed up and zero men.

In Los Angeles, a former KFC has been turned into a medical marijuana clinic.  And guess what – it's all the same customers. 

Researchers say a "Like" on Facebook can reveal if you're a gay man. Especially if what you choose to Like is "Penises."

Felt a big tremor yesterday in LA. That was either an earthquake, or Ryan Gosling smiled softly in Southeast Asia.

The Vatican has chosen the first-ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do.

The new Pope is a very popular, highly regarded intellectual, and an outspoken advocate for social justice. And ladies, he's sin-gle!

The new Pope has chosen the name "Pope Francis." Little advice for the Vatican, if you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.

Today in Moscow, '90s action star Steven Seagal hung out with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The meeting lasted two hours and then went straight to DVD.

McDonald's has introduced a yolk-free Egg McMuffin that's only 260 calories.  After hearing this, every McDonald's customer said, "Sweet – I'll have 6 of them."

In Canada, a product called "Sex Cereal" is coming out that is supposed to improve a person's sexual health. Customers who've tried "Sex Cereal" say "Theeeeeeey're GROSS!"

A French woman has written a new book on celibacy called, The Art of Sleeping Alone.  So apparently, I was an artist until I was 29.

Pretty soon "The View" is just going to be Whoopi Goldberg, alone, quietly checking her email.

It's been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer.  So I gotta say this new Pope is already getting things done!

Yesterday the College of Cardinals announced the new Pope with the Latin phrase, "Habemus Papam." A phrase which was immediately autocorrected around the world to, "Happiness Popeye."

Last year, Taco Bell sold over one million Doritos Locos Tacos a day. Other companies took notice and now the new Blackberry is coming out in a tasty Dorito shell.

A Washington state mother is accused of letting her 22-month-old toddler smoke marijuana. When reached for comment, the toddler said, "Hey man, everybody chill out."

Scientists have built an Internet for robots. My advice: knock before entering your robot’s bedroom.

Happy St. Patrick's Day. I'm celebrating my family's long history of depression and ineffectual rage.

I picked M.I.T. in my NCAA pool. Their robots are unstoppable.

Harvard just won its first ever NCAA basketball tournament game. Finally, that spunky little school is catching a break.

I've been practicing like crazy, and I now play just as well as Jimi Hendrix. I'm talking about shuffleboard.

Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she's overdue?

Tonight is the beginning of the 8-day Jewish holiday of Passover, when God freed the Jews from slavery in Egypt.  In other words, History's first Spring Break.

Passover's the time every year I'm forced to spend 8 days and 8 nights writing all my own jokes.

Over the weekend, the current pope and the former pope had lunch together.  The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss.

Over the weekend, Pope Francis and former Pope Benedict had lunch together.  Between the two of them, they polished off two bottles of Jesus.

During his trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel's relationship with Turkey. Now on to the final hurdle: restoring Israel's relationship with Pork.

It's come out that during Joe Biden's recent night in Paris, he ran up a hotel bill of $585,000. Apparently, Biden tried to order "Wreck it Ralph" over 1,000 times.

Officials say the winner of a $338 million Powerball ticket bought it at a New Jersey liquor store. It's being called the first time in history the word "winner" has described someone at a New Jersey liquor store.

A company has created a care package to give women on their period, and it includes tea, tampons, and chocolate. They've also created a care package for men that includes 5 days at a hotel.

Bill Gates is offering $100,000 to anyone who can design a better condom. Of course, what guy wants to buy a condom from a company called "Microsoft."

Last night, President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a Seder at the White House.  There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, "Hey I thought we were Muslim?"

Some people paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court's deliberations on gay marriage. Which is why today the Supreme Court launched its 41-city "Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour."

It's come out that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia once compared homosexual sex to "sitting on a flagpole." Thousands of gay activists called this "An insulting remark" and "a great idea."

Last year, the expenses of the living ex-presidents cost US taxpayers almost $4 million. The costs were mostly due to Secret Service, pensions and Bill Clinton's party bus.

A 17 year old boy sold an app to Yahoo for $30 million. The boy says he'll use the money to fund his new website, "Who's A Nerd Now, Jenny?.com."

In a new interview, Hugh Hefner said that in his life time he has slept with over a thousand women.  Which for Hef averages out to one a year.

In Kentucky, a teenager was arrested for falsely yelling "Bingo" in a bingo hall. It's being called the first-ever arrest that actually DIMINISHED someone's street cred.

A new implant can tell your smartphone when you're about to have a heart attack. It tells the smartphone two things: "Call 911," and "Erase all porn."

Bill Clinton now says he wishes he'd supported gay marriage back when he was President. Clinton said, at the time, he was too busy campaigning for open marriage.

Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don't have to worry about their appearance, so they are free to get fat. Then, moments later, Rush Limbaugh officially came out as a lesbian.

A new poll shows that 64% of New Jersey residents don't care about Governor Chris Christie's weight. Of course that's mostly because Gov. Chris Christie IS 64% of New Jersey.

Another member of Seal Team 6 has come forward to say that Bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "And?"

Parts of the Berlin Wall have been removed despite a protest led by David Hasselhoff.   The thick crumbling structure that didn't last very long into the ‘90's said the Wall shouldn't be removed.

Victoria's Secret is under fire for targeting youth with its new slogan, "Bright Young Things." However, it's still better than its previous slogan, "The catalog for horny men with no Internet."

A man has won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on their "It's a Small World" ride. The man said he'll use the money to cut out that part of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World Afterall."

A new study found that herpes may lead to memory loss. Which is too bad because the only upside to having herpes is fondly remembering how you got it. 

There's a rumor that Kanye West's next album will be entitled "I Am God." Either that, or someone just overheard Kanye West talking to himself.

Some scientists now believe dinosaurs had sex while on their side to avoid their mate's spiny tail.  When asked why they were thinking about how dinosaurs had sex, the scientists got real quiet.

Hear that? That’s the sound of Harlem Shake videos NOT being made. I think we’re in the clear. Uh oh, I hear something outside my office….

My bosses at TBS here in Atlanta told me I can do a week of shows anywhere in the world, so I told them, "Paris, France." They said, "Atlanta it is."

As I mentioned before, tonight is Opening Day at Turner Field and get this – Chipper Jones threw out the first pitch.  Not only that, the first 5,000 fans get to have a baby with Chipper Jones.

There's over 65 streets named Peachtree in Atlanta. Yesterday I punched Peachtree into my GPS and it committed suicide.

Atlanta is the place where they film "The Walking Dead." Producers got the idea to film the Walking Dead here when they saw some people coming out of a Waffle House at 2 AM.

Speaking  of the Waffle House, Atlanta is also home to Arby's, Chick-fil-A and get this Spanx. Which explains Atlanta's new nickname, "The City of Cause and Effect."

Ryan Seacrest is from Atlanta.  He lived here for years until the entire city told him, "Seacrest Out."

Lawmakers in Georgia passed a bill allowing alcohol to be sold closer to college campuses. Finally, college students in Georgia will have access to alcohol.

In Atlanta, there are 4,000 more females than males. Of course 2,000 of them are Tyler Perry in drag.

Even though I'm from Boston I feel right at home in the South. You see Boston's also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees.

A lot of celebrities live in Atlanta— Elton John has a house here. In fact, you know you've spotted Elton John when you think you've spotted Lady Gaga's grandmother.

For the Atlanta Braves opener, 45,000 fans were each given a foam tomahawk. Which is really weird because "the foam tomahawk" was my porn name.

Trust me.  I'd love to stay but the strippers at the Clermont have a restraining order against the band.

I've had a fantastic in Atlanta.  I'm leaving with many new friends, great memories and type 2 diabetes.

The Atlanta Braves are playing their first season in 19 years without third baseman Chipper Jones. But don't worry: He'll still be getting to third base tonight.

Coca-Cola was originally used to cure hangovers.  Of course then it was replaced by Atlanta's favorite cure for a hangover – more drinking.

It's hard to transition from "The Walking Dead" to "Mad Men" in one week. AMC could help by having Don Draper wear an eye patch.

The company that owns PBR beer has been approved to buy Hostess Twinkies.  A spokesperson said, "We want to branch out from people who don't care what they drink to people who don't care what they eat." 

President Obama is in trouble for saying that California's female Attorney General, Kamala Harris, is good-looking.  When asked for comment, Bill Clinton said, "That guy is out of control."

IKEA is facing another food scandal - their "elk lasagna" was found to contain pork. Even worse, it was found to contain elk.

IKEA is facing another food scandal.  I was so outraged that yesterday, I cancelled my reservations at Ikea and instead took my family to dinner at the Pottery Barn.

In New York, a man dressed as Cookie Monster was arrested for pushing a 2-year old. The man was immediately hired to be the new basketball coach at Rutgers.

Top fashion designer Michael Kors has launched a campaign to stop world hunger. His first step — stop hiring supermodels.

The government of Uganda has officially outlawed the appearance of anyone sexy on TV. By the way, starting today, I'm on twice a day in Uganda.

In China, an outbreak of the bird flu has caused the price of Chicken McNuggets to plummet. Isn't that cute- people in China think that Chicken McNuggets are made out of a bird.

Kim Kardashian, who is 5 months pregnant, reportedly wants to give birth by C-section. In other words, even in childbirth Kim is determined to avoid any kind of labor.

It was a great weekend of basketball, but for me, the Final Four will always be the winner and three runners-up on “Toddlers & Tiaras.”

Last night, the Louisville Cardinals won the NCAA championship.  People in Kentucky were so excited they were kissing people not related to them.

Last night, the Louisville Cardinals defeated the Michigan Wolverines to win the National Championship.  People in Michigan were angry and depressed and then, they heard about the game.

Today, North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to Gangnam Style.

It's been reported that in high school, Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical "Grease." That's also where Kim met his first wife Olivia Newton Jong.

The Obama Administration's new budget plan calls for saving billions of dollars by selling off federal properties. So folks get ready for the Washington Monument brought to you by Cialis.

According to a new report, someone has been downloading porn from inside Vatican City. It's someone with the user name, "NewPopeNewRules."

In a new interview, Simon Cowell said that he does "several hundred push-ups a day." To be fair, he doesn't go all the way down- just to where his boobs hit the floor.

A study reveals that women in Australia want a man with a big penis.  The good news? My wife isn't Australian.

Tom Cruise made his first public comments about his divorce from Katie Holmes and said, "I didn't see it coming." Apparently, Katie kept her divorce papers on top of the refrigerator.

The first line of Brad Paisley’s “Accidental Racist” is “To the man that waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main”. That old country cliché?

When Kim Jong Un was young he apparently wanted to become an actor.  But of course it's hard to do dinner theater in a country that doesn't have theater or dinner.

In high school, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical "Grease." The show would end each night with Sandy singing to Kim, "You're The UN That I Want."

Jay-Z and Beyoncé created a controversy by traveling to Cuba. The Treasury Department is now saying that when they okayed the request, "We thought it was a different Jay-Z and Beyoncé." 

Over a quarter of a million Chrysler vehicles are being recalled for problems with fuel tanks, brakes, engines, airbags, and electrical wiring. On the plus side, Chrysler insists "Our cupholders have never been safer."

Former Rep. Anthony Weiner, who famously tweeted lewd photos of himself, now says he wants people to give him a second chance. Not in politics but on Instagram.  

The latest Internet photo trend involves Harry Potter fans sitting on a broomstick in different locales and is called "Pottering."  All you need is a broom, a camera and zero friends to talk you out of it.

Today Flavor Flav is going to court on a possible felony charge. The judge has set Flavor Flav's bail at $100,000, or three of his teeth.

A new report claims that almost half of Justin Bieber's 37 million Twitter followers are fake. Even more disturbing, the other half are real.

Japanese engineers have created a "girlfriend jacket" that replicates the sensation of being hugged by a woman from behind. Once again, Japanese engineers remain on the cutting edge of creepy loneliness.

Quentin Tarantino has had to alter Django Unchained so that it could be shown in China. The movie will now be called "Django Escapes the iPad Factory"

Rihanna broke up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress. Rihanna said she knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Facebook has apologized to a mom for removing breastfeeding pics - the only baby pictures on Facebook that anyone has ever wanted to see.

North Korea is celebrating the one-year anniversary of Kim Jong Un's ascension to power. That's right – one year ago today, Kim Jong Un ascended to power by climbing onto a phone book.

Today, North Korea raised a missile to an upright position and then later tucked it back in its launcher. North Korea did all this after its wife went to bed. 

This year, a 14-year-old boy from China is the youngest golfer to ever compete in the Masters.  During his round of golf today, the Chinese boy made two birdies, an eagle and an iPad.

NASA has announced a plan to lasso an asteroid and bring it closer to Earth. This is according to the head of NASA— a six year old boy.

On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It's being called "the Blackest thing President Obama has ever done."

DC Comics has introduced its first-ever transgender character. The character is called "Wonder If It's A Woman."

In Maine, a hermit living in the woods was arrested and he claims he's only seen one human since 1986. I think he's telling the truth because for his one phone call he tried to reach Mr. Belvedere.

Stephen Hawking said that unless we find a way to escape Earth, human beings will not survive this millennium. Hawking made the prediction at what turned out to be an incredibly depressing baby shower.

Here in Hollywood, an actress is suing a website for revealing her actual age. However, the lawsuit will be dropped if TMZ apologizes to 33 year old Betty White.

Katy Perry is selling her $7 million dollar mansion.  The mansion comes with a great view of the mountains until Katy Perry moves out.

The owner of a restaurant in Texas has trade-marked the term "breasturant."  Meanwhile, his wife has trade-marked the term, "Let's not spend the breast of our lives together."

A new study says that women prefer tall men to have large penises. The study also said woman prefer short men to have a tall friend with a large penis.

Just learned that Spotify can’t turn people into dogs.

Congrats to Adam Scott on his incredible and historically significant Masters win! I hope this doesn't mean he's leaving "Parks & Rec".

Over the weekend, George W. Bush became a grandfather. Bush said, "I'm looking forward  to being a grandfather because  you get to do all the fun stuff with none of the responsibility – kind of like being President."

When asked about North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, Dennis Rodman said, "He just wants to be loved." It's not a good sign when the friend who's trying to explain that you're not crazy is Dennis Rodman.

Today, North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country's founder, the late Kim Il Sung.   It was Kim Il-Sung who famously said, "Hey, let's have a crappy version of South Korea."

A new poll shows that Canadian teenagers smoke more pot than any other teens in the world. When reached for comment, Canadian teens said, "You would too— if you grew up listening to Nickelback."

An Ohio school is requiring students who want to be on the yearbook committee be tested for drugs. The yearbook committee is protesting, saying, "If we were cool enough to do drugs, we wouldn't be on the yearbook committee."

In New Mexico, a man was arrested for buying a woman food so that  she would have sex with him. The man has been charged with "dating."

A magazine has come out with a list of the 20 most hated celebrities and number one on the list is Gwyneth Paltrow.  After hearing this, Mel Gibson said, "What do I have to do?"

According to a new report, Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne's 30 year marriage is over.  After hearing this, Ozzy said, "I was married?"

Kim Kardashian is saying she doesn't want the paparazzi around for the birth of her child. She wants the birth to be a private moment between her, Kanye and 6 cameramen from the E! Network.

Kim Kardashian is saying she wants to avoid the paparazzi when her child is born. Kim said, "There's a time and place for that kind of exposure, and  it's called CONCEPTION."

Someone in the Vatican was found downloading porn. He was looking at shocking images of women in positions of leadership.

Today the country of Israel turns 65.  It now plans to retire and move to Florida.

This week, South Korean Rapper Psy released a follow-up to his song "Gangnam Style." The song is called, "Look, I am also sick of ‘Gangnam Style.'"

Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant.  Which makes sense because the first thing you want to do as an FBI informant is tell everyone you're an FBI informant.

Thousands of marijuana advocates are expected to gather in Washington and Colorado to  celebrate April 20th – otherwise known as 4/20.  Heads up – Some of those people may be late.

A new study shows that germiest place in your kitchen is the refrigerator's vegetable drawer.  After hearing this, most Americans said, "We have a vegetable drawer?"

Last night, NPR was hacked by a group called the Syrian Electronic Army. Which explains why, for five seconds last night, NPR was exciting.

A new study claims that women are healthier without their bras.  The announcement was made by 3 guys trying to keep a straight face. 

A company has made an iPhone coated in diamonds and gold that's worth $15 million. It's being called "the most beautiful thing you'll ever accidentally drop it into a toilet."

A new study reveals wealthy people curse more than middle class people.  Apparently, they say things like, "Holy shit, I'm rich."

President Obama offered to wash Senators' cars if it would lead to an immigration bill. The Senators told Obama, "If you're going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?"

President Obama said he did not know Jay-Z and Beyonce were taking a trip to Cuba.  When he heard this, Bill Clinton was outraged and said, "The President should know where Beyoncé is at all times." 

Jon Hamm recently appeared on an episode of Sesame Street. It was the first time toddlers were able plant their moms in front of the TV and ignore them for an hour.

Today, Senator Rand Paul, a big favorite among the Tea Party, suggested he may run for President in 2016. Although his first choice would be to run for President in 1954.

A new study confirms that eating a Western style diet causes people to die earlier. When asked for comment, people eating a Doritos Locos Taco said, "worth it."

In a recent interview, Robert Downey Jr. confirmed that he was paid $50 million to star in The Avengers. Now the Hulk is REALLY angry.

A fragrance company has just come out with a cologne that smells like whiskey.  It's perfect for the guy who wants all the stigma of alcoholism but none of the fun.

A New Hampshire State Rep. is in trouble for an email he sent where he referred to women as "vaginas."  Can you imagine referring to a person by their genitals?  What a dick!

TMZ is reporting that Sharon Osbourne is not going to reconcile with Ozzy Osbourne until he proves to her he'll stay sober. After hearing this, Ozzy said, "Who's Sharon Osbourne?"

According to a new study, red wine provides no health benefits for people who are overweight. But red wine does provide some benefits for the people who have to sleep with them.

Doctors say there may be a link between colicky babies and migraines.  Apparently, colicky babies give you a migraine.

Chicago has approved a $500 million renovation for the Chicago Cubs' Wrigley Field. The upgrade will include a new video screen, enhanced lighting, and an entirely different baseball team.

Two rides at Disneyland have been temporarily shut down due to safety concerns.  The most dangerous of these is probably "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride While Texting."

In New Mexico, a man was caught trading McDonald's food for sexual favors.  Apparently, the man told his customers, "I'm really lovin' it."

I’m in the best shape of my life. Just benched twice my birth weight.

I thought auto-erotic asphyxiation was when you strangle your car while you're having sex with it.

All the living presidents were at the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. Bush demanded to know, "Where's Martin Sheen?"

Scientists claim that half of the world’s languages will be dead by the end of the century. So I learned Klingon for nothing.

Today, Jason Collins of the Washington Wizards announced he is gay. He said, "I don't know what's been tougher on my family- announcing I'm gay, or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards."

The first active NBA player has come out as gay. Now the Lakers want to sign him so they'll have someone who knows how to score with men.

In New York, prison inmates have been logging onto Yelp to review their jails. They've also been going on eHarmony to review their cellmates. 

There's a new trend of prison inmates reviewing their prisons on Yelp! The downside is, now people are committing crimes just to try the amazing fish tacos at Rikers' island.

The founder of the 99 Cents stores has died. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to everyone who shops at the 99 Cents store.

Martha Stewart said she's putting her dating profile on Match.com. Martha says she's looking for Mr. Right so she can tell him everything he's doing wrong.

The other day, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder surgery, for an injury he received after falling off his bike.  FOX News reports that the accident happened when the Justice drifted a little too far to the left.

A lingerie company has released a line of lingerie for men. This sexy new line of lingerie for men is called "Clean Underpants."

In a new interview, Mike Tyson reveals that his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon in front of him. Tyson said, "But she also had a dark side."

Ronnie from "Jersey Shore" has been hospitalized. However, not to worry: Doctors have upgraded Ronnie's condition from "serious to douchey."

Jessica Simpson has bought Ozzy Osbourne's house for $11.5 million. The house comes with 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, a pool, and one very confused Ozzie Osbourne.

NBA player Jason Collins's former fiancé said she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn't cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA.

NBA player Jason Collins's former fiancé said she had no clue he was gay.  When she heard this, Manti Te'o's fiancée said, "Well, at least YOU exist."

Yesterday, President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo "needs to be closed."  To make sure it closes quickly, they're turning it into a Blockbuster video.

Happy Birthday to the World Wide Web, which turns 20 years old today. Wow— I can't believe for 20 years I've had a busty Russian nurse fetish!

Virgin Airlines is offering a new "in-flight flirtation service" where passengers can send each other food and drinks. They're also offering an "in-flight-restraining-order service."

A new study says the best way to sell more eco-friendly products is to not mention that they're eco-friendly.  Which is why the makers of energy saving fluorescent light bulbs are renaming them, "The Panda-Killer 9000."

According to a new study, women are attracted to men with a heavy stubble. The study was conducting by the prestigious, "Institute of Bad News for Asians."

At a Starbucks, a woman got angry because a barista wrote "Vagina" on her latte. She got even angrier when the barista wrote "latte" on her vagina.

Congratulations to NBA player Jason Collins on being brave enough to admit that he’s a Washington Wizard.

Jason Collins, the NBA player who revealed he's gay is a free agent and looking for someone to sign him.  Turns out he's got some interest from Chicago— not the Bulls, the Broadway musical. 

The State Department released a list of the gifts President Obama has received from foreign officials. Vladimir Putin gave Obama Vodka, Prince Charles gave him golf bags, and Kim Jong-un re-gifted Dennis Rodman.

Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advises them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars.

Former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is urging Congress to pass the immigration bill. Schwarzenegger said, "I support the bill –Just not the part about having to learn English."

The Chicago Cubs are considering leaving Wrigley Field if they don't get a bigger scoreboard. Then someone reminded the Cubs, for the amount of runs they get, they don't need a scoreboard.

Domino's customers can now order a pizza and watch it being made on line.  A spokesperson for Domino's said, "This way, our customers can see exactly what went wrong."

Scientists in Japan have recently discovered a drug that may be able to stop men from cheating. The drug is called cyanide.

A new study reveals that up to 41% of college graduates are working in jobs that don't require a degree. By the way, I'm one of them.

At a Starbucks, a woman named Virginia got angry because the barista wrote "Vagina" on her latte. And when people heard they were serving vagina, the line at Starbucks got even longer.

President Obama watches so much sports on TV that political groups who want to get his attention are running ads on ESPN. It's the same reason that during the Clinton Administration they advertised in JUGGS Magazine.

Today, former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. And man, is he going to be pissed when he sees Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters.

Two Popes under one roof – we're just one "half-Pope" away from being a sitcom on CBS.

Former CA governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is urging Congress to pass the immigration bill. He said, "There has to be a better way to bring a Hispanic into this country than by impregnating a housekeeper."

Yahoo put out a list of 5 dying careers which includes reporters and insurance underwriters.  The only one they forgot is Yahoo employee.

In New York, a new bike sharing program prohibits obese people from riding bikes. The ruling affects no one.

In New York, the owner of an ice cream truck called Sno Cone Joe was arrested for allegedly stalking his rival truck, Mr. Ding-a-ling.   It's being called, "The saddest turf war ever."

The fast food chain Sonic is now offering a 1700 calorie Peanut Butter Bacon milkshake.  Which explains Sonic's new slogan, "Tell My Wife I loved her." 

In a new commercial, JC Penney apologizes for its mistakes and asks people to "come back." Unfortunately, so far the ad has not worked on anyone except Rihanna.

Just saw that movie "Oblivion". Apparently everyone in the future is either really good looking or Morgan Freeman.

Paparazzi are the worst. Sometimes I give them the exact time and address, and they’re still late.

The more I learn about prunes, ichthyosaurs, and basket-weaving, the more I question my reading habits.

I watched the Kentucky Derby and said to my wife, “All that build up for two minutes.” Why did she give me that look?

President Obama has changed his mind and he decided to support the morning-after pill being available over the counter. Apparently, President Obama finally saw an episode of "Teen Mom."

The winner of the Kentucky Derby was a horse named "Orb."  The other horses are now available at the IKEA meatball counter.

PETA is upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Gov. Christie said, "If PETA's upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today."

According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said, "Mitt and I are living proof that if you're a boring white guy, anything's possible."

George W. Bush's nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office in Texas. He says the "P" stands for "Pretend you've never heard the name ‘George W. Bush.'"

A company is coming out with a "beer drone" that will deliver beer to attendees at music festivals.  In a related story, everyone is now fine with drones.

According to a recent survey, the first thing a man notices about a woman is her hair. The survey was conducted by The Institute of Lies.

A Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving. He told the cop, "I'm a bishop, I'm supposed to move diagonally." 

In a recent poll, Red Lobster was voted one of the top 10 places that cheaters like to bring their dates. Which explains Red Lobster's new slogan "A Shameful Act Calls for a Shameful Meal."

NJ Gov. Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery earlier this year that restricts the amount of food he can eat.  As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed he has undergone weight reduction surgery.  And as a result, soon I'll be undergoing surgery for monologue joke reduction.

When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said she's "having a little fun being a private citizen." Then he added, "Not ‘Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless."

A Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving. Still, it was relief to find a Catholic official get in trouble for only having a beer on his lap.

In a recent poll, Red Lobster was voted one of the top 10 places that cheaters like to bring their dates. Which explains their new slogan, "Red Lobster: A Great Place To Get Crabs!"

A Texas man has successfully fired the first-ever gun created by a 3-D printer. Which raises the question – Don't you think a gun created by a printer would jam?

A cleric in Iran is warning that an earthquake is on the way, and it's the fault of women who wear revealing clothes. So yet, another setback for the Tehran Hooters.

After Domino's admitted it used to make terrible pizza, JC Penney has come out with an ad apologizing for disappointing its customers.  And just this morning, Office Depot said it wished it had been a better father. 

The company that makes Viagra has started letting customers order it online. So finally, someone's figured out a way for the internet to give men erections.

At some Taco Bells, customers are now allowed to order their food by using a touch screen. So now Taco Bell customers just have to touch a picture of what kind of a diarrhea they want.

Just downloaded a cool new app that lets me use my phone as a drink coaster.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he is still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat.  Christie said, "I now have 6 free hours a day I don't know what to do with."

Snooki says she'd like to be Chris Christie's workout buddy.  Christie said, "Thanks but I already have a medicine ball."

Yesterday, Dennis Rodman tweeted to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to "Do me a solid." Then today, Rodman told German Chancellor Angela Merkel to  "back that ass up."

In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cut-out of Nancy Pelosi.  Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger's son was reportedly kicked out of a night club for throwing ice at a DJ.  You could tell he's Arnold's son because on the way out, he said, "It was ice knowing you."

Tomorrow, the Minnesota legislature will vote on a bill to legalize same-sex marriage. However, many in Minnesota still believe that marriage is "a sacred union between a man and a plate of cheese fries."

According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court Justices. Americans say Judge Judy won their trust after her landmark decision in the case of "Drunk Lady vs Other Drunk Lady."

In Oklahoma, a man who was in a dispute with a company says they sent him a "threatening dildo."  Of course, we all know that "threatening dildo" is just a fancy term for lawyer.

A 105-year-old woman in Texas claims the secret to her long life is eating bacon every day. Then she admitted that she's actually just 37.

Justin Bieber was pulled over by police officers while driving in Dubai. Apparently, Justin didn't realize that there are laws in Dubai against women driving.

YouTube may start charging? I guess cats are sick of working for free.

This Mothers Day, Hooters is letting mothers eat for free. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?

Giving your mom a free meal from Hooters is only fair.  Think of all those free meals from Hooters she gave you.

Bill Clinton is reportedly sick and tired of people asking him if Hillary's going to run for President. The other question he's tired of hearing is "Where are your pants?"

This morning, Martha Stewart met up with two men who contacted her on Match.com. And this afternoon, Martha's website posted its most interesting "sandwich" recipe yet.

Long John Silvers has just hired a new executive to completely revamp  their menu. For starters, he said they're going to start experimenting with something called "fish."

In a new interview, Lindsay Lohan says that, after rehab, she's thinking of adopting a baby. Not to be her child, but to be her designated driver.

Taco Bell has announced that they are introducing a new "$1 Cravings" menu. Here's how it works— you pay one dollar, you eat the food and then you crave a toilet.

Forbes Magazine named Tim Tebow America’s most influential athlete. Just 1 more reason why I always get my sports news from Forbes Magazine.

According to a new poll, Kristen Stewart is now the least trusted movie star in America. Movie star? She told me she was a cattle rancher!!!

My version of a meltdown is spending five minutes angrily shouting the word, "chambray" to LL Bean's automated voice recognition system.

Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama could be impeached.  In response, Obama laughed and said, "Two words fellas –  President Biden."

Vermont has passed a new bill making it okay to possess small amounts of marijuana.  The bill was co-sponsored by Representatives Ben & Jerry.

Today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent the day with Prince Harry.  Christie gave Prince Harry the royal treatment, taking him to a White Castle and a Burger King.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having serious disputes about how much privacy they want from the media.  Apparently, the media wants to give them some privacy and Kim and Kanye don't want any. 

The upcoming TV Season will have fewer gay characters. Well – Not if Andy and I can help it…

The upcoming TV Season will have fewer gay characters. This is what happens when you cancel Smash, The New Normal and CSI: West Hollywood.

A chance to have coffee with Apple CEO Tim Cook is going for over $600,000 on an online auction.  Cook promised that "Meeting me is like buying an Apple product: way overpriced but you won't get a virus."

In Kentucky, a man snuck into a grocery store overnight and consumed 57 cans of whipped cream, a birthday cake, beer, and cigarettes. Kentucky officials are telling everyone to "be on the lookout for a health-food freak."

Fox is trying to boost ratings by bringing back the show "24." In it, Jack Bauer has just 24 hours to try and get people to watch "American Idol" again.

For fun, I sent a dick pic to Siri and she just replied, “I think you meant to send a picture of a penis.”

In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said, "hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I've ever made."

Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost 9 governorships, 56 members of Congress and 2 Senate seats.  In his defense, Obama said, "I did promise ‘change.'

Minnesota has passed a bill allowing same sex marriage.  As a result, the Minnesota Twins are changing their name to the Minnesota Life Partners. 

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here—I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has BEEN selling trash to China.

Sesame Street has just introduced its first Latino cast member in decades. It's an undocumented blue monster who will work for half as many cookies.

A new study shows that owning a pet lowers a person's risk of heart disease. And, eating a pet raises the chance that you just had lunch at IKEA.

O.J. Simpson was in court trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, "I'm tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am!"

Just tried to make a Benedict Cumberbatch anagram and I now have a hernia.

Chinese authorities recently arrested over 900 people for selling counterfeit meat. China warned the US that the meat is being sold under its street name, "Arbys."

JC Penney's new ads thank customers for "coming back to us."  Then the customers explained, "We're only coming back to return crap we bought at JC Penney." 

Footage has surfaced from 1962 of a young Barbara Walters working undercover as a Playboy Bunny.  You can tell it's her because she keeps asking men if they want their drinks, "on the wocks?"

Some Taco Bell restaurants are testing out new breakfast tacos. Taco Bell said their breakfast tacos are perfect for people who are starting their day stoned.

According to a new study, couples who have a sex schedule are more likely to stay together. Even better news – my wife penciled me in for late August.

According to a new survey, 42% of Americans have an unfavorable view of hipsters.  When they heard this, hipsters said, "Big deal – We had an unfavorable view of ourselves way before it was cool."

There's a new movie coming out about Bill and Hillary Clinton's early years together.  The movie has a happy ending, and then Hillary walks in.

I just found out I’m being audited. I don’t remember joining the Tea Party.

President Obama is embroiled in three scandals. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Amateur.”

Despite the IRS scandal, 53% of Americans say they approved of the job President Obama is doing.  The other 47% are being audited.

Despite being involved in 3 scandals, President Obama's approval rating is at a relatively high 53%. Americans everywhere said, "Let us know when it involves an intern and oral sex."

A new report says that someone close to the President knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words – we can rule out Joe Biden.

Speaking at a college commencement, President Obama said that as an African-American, "I could have been in prison. I could have been unemployed." To which the Republican party replied, "Working on both."

It's been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's reelection campaign. And by Californians – I mean my monologue writers.

The NRA is holding a fundraiser for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The NRA likes Chris Christie because he has a lot of places to conceal a weapon.

North Korea has fired six missiles in the past three days. In a related story, South Korea is pregnant.

The largest ever Powerball jackpot, $590 million, was won by someone in Florida. In a related story, someone in Florida just spent $590 million on bath salts.

England is sending the first British astronaut to the International Space Station.  He's the first astronaut looking forward to the food.

Lamborghini is celebrating its 50th anniversary.  Lamborghini is so freaked out by turning 50 that it just bought itself a Lamborghini.

A man in California was robbing a house when he butt-dialed  911 by accident. So now he's in prison, where his butt is dialing 911 on purpose. 

At a mini-reunion of the Brady Bunch cast, Barry Williams who played Greg Brady sang "The Real Slim Shady." You can read all about it by Googling the word "sad."

According to a new survey, almost 10% of women lie about the size of their breasts. Which is why I always carry around measuring tape.

Michelle Obama recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack's failures.  She was immediately hired by Fox News. 

According to a new survey, white Americans are more likely to see President Obama as angry than black Americans.  After hearing about it, Obama got really angry – according to white Americans.

Rush Limbaugh said the only reason President Obama will not be impeached is that he's black. Asked for comment, black people everywhere said, "It's true - we've had it too good for too long." 

A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English, so he faked his own kidnapping. However, the parents figured it out when the ransom note said, "We Has Your Son."

A man gave a waitress a $1,000 tip so she could take a trip to Italy.  It was an Olive Garden waitress whose dream is to one day try Italian food.

The CEO of Yahoo who just bought Tumblr for 1.1 billion dollars says she will not remove porn from the site.  When asked why, she said, "Because I don't want to lose 1.1 billion dollars."

Mark my words: on the last episode of “Game of Thrones,” we will finally get to see all the dragons naked.

During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard always having to update apps on his iPhone. No one had the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage-door opener.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer made it clear that all X-rated content will remain on Tumblr. Many people heard the news and said, "Well, time to find out what Tumblr is!"

A new study shows that most people are not as good looking as they think they are.  The study was conducted by The Institute of That Bitch Ashley.

In a new interview, Brad Pitt said he has very few friends. In other words, just one more thing that Brad Pitt and I have in common.

In New Jersey, a woman found her lost dog by luring the dog back with bacon.  She also found the Governor of New Jersey. 

A judge has forbidden a lesbian couple from living together. The judge said, "You two are living with with me!"

Today President Obama officially acknowledged that military drone strikes killed 4 Americans. Then he said, "Ask me about the IRS again and I'll make it five."

Joe Biden recently said that President Obama is learning to speak without a teleprompter. Biden said he gave up using teleprompters years ago, when all of his kept committing suicide.

Senator John McCain recently asked Apple CEO Tim Cook why the apps always need to be updated. McCain also wanted to know how often he should feed Siri.

An analyst said that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who was caught on video smoking crack, is actually "a pretty good mayor." In fact, since taking office in 2010, he's only slept 4 hours.

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go into heaven. And, to return the favor, atheists said that Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.

According to a new poll, the most popular country in the world is Germany, and the least popular is Iran. And once again, the winner of Class Nerd was Micronesia.

A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran.  After hearing this, North Korea said, "What do we have to do?"

In Pennsylvania, a couple stabbed each other in an argument over who should win American Idol.  At least we finally know why American Idol is losing so many viewers.

In Texas, a pregnant woman's heart stopped, she had the baby and then she was brought back to life.  Man, that kid is never going to hear the end of it.

Brad Pitt said he has trouble recognizing people he knows and blamed it on a condition known as "face blindness." You may know "face blindness" by its scientific name, "Being a jerk."

Sharon Stone is in talks to make "Basic Instinct 3". Stone said she'll start filming next week unless her demands are met.

Whenever I feel like L.A. is sketchy, I remind myself that most of its van-based tattoo removal clinics are “Fully Bonded."

I'm pretty sure karate was invented by a guy and a bee.

I’m going to be like my dad and show up to every one of my son’s Little League games, but without all the betting.

Fans of “Game of Thrones” are upset about the number of characters that died violently on last night’s episode.  Well, all I have to say is – just wait ‘til you see how this show ends tonight.

This week, President Obama is going to be engaged in high level talks with the President of China. The President’s message to China is going to be, “I Swear We’ll Have The Money For You by Tuesday!”

It’s being rumored that Scarlett Johansson will play a young Hillary Clinton in a movie about her life.  As a result, the part of a young Bill Clinton will be played by Bill Clinton.

A new report says that Donald Trump has spent 1 million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it The World’s Most Expensive “No.”

The Supreme Court ruled that the police can take your DNA when they take you into custody. So suddenly, police women everywhere are trying to arrest Ryan Gosling.

A new study found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second.  It was 50 pieces a second but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled.

CNN denied that it’s phasing out Wolf Blitzer.  In fact, according to Larry King, Wolf has a good 70 years left.

Will Smith and his son Jaden’s Smith’s new movie “After Earth”, bombed at the box office this weekend. Today, Jaden told his dad, “Next time you want to do something with me, how about a fishing trip?”

Burger King has developed a ‘hands-free’ Whopper-Holder. Of course, if you have feel the need to have a hands-free Whopper-Holder, there’s probably something else you should be putting around your neck.

In a new interview, Michael Douglas says his throat cancer was caused by performing oral sex on too many women. The interview appears in the “Journal of Overcompensating for Having Just Played Liberace.”

Last night at the Miami Heat-Indiana Pacers game, Justin Bieber was booed when his face appeared on the jumbotron. When Bieber noticed, he asked, “Why are they booing that poor girl?”

Michael Douglas is now denying that oral sex caused his throat cancer. Meanwhile, all his former girlfriends are denying his oral sex caused anything.

A new report says that if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date on technology. The GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere, “Be prepared to receive a VERY exciting fax from us!”

Last night, a judge in L.A. officially legalized Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ divorce. Kim said, “I’ll never make a mistake that big again” and then patted her belly carrying Kanye West’s baby.

Disney is coming under fire for raising the price of admission to Disneyland to $92. Even worse, it now costs you $50 to just get OUT of “It’s a Small World.”

A frozen berry mix has been recalled after giving 34 people in different states Hepatitis A.  Also not helping is that the berries used to go out with Michael Douglas.

A company has developed the first porn app to be used on Google Glass. Which is why another company is now developing the first product to CLEAN Google Glass.

United Airlines is being sued by a woman because a male passenger sitting in the same row kept masturbating on the flight. It's the case of United Airlines vs. Kate Upton.

Burger King has developed a ‘hands-free’ Whopper holder that goes around your neck and holds your burger. After hearing this, Whopper eaters asked, “What’s a neck?”

In a new interview, Snooki said she lost her virginity when she was 14. Snooki said that looking back she’s glad that she waited.

In 10 years, my wife and I have never gone to bed angry. Thanks, couch and spare pillow

Google has banned a porn app for Google Glass.  A Google spokesman said, “We’re a principled company, so if you want to look at smut and filth, you’ll just have to use our website.”

The founder of IKEA has stepped down.  He said he plans on spending some time putting his life back together.

Domino’s Pizza has released a YouTube video of the company delivering pizza with a drone. That is just shocking – showing something that kills innocent civilians every day, getting delivered by a drone.

In Australia, scientists discovered a lake that hasn’t been affected by climate change or any other man-made influences and they’re calling it “God’s Bathtub.” Then today, someone peed in it.

Yesterday, Sofia Vergara said one of her favorite things about of a newly unveiled wax figure of herself are the feet. She said, “Before today, I didn’t even know I had feet.”

The Taco Bell employee who was photographed licking a stack of taco shells has been fired.  He’s been replaced by Michael Douglas.

The 84-year-old woman who won the half-a-billion-dollar Powerball has asked for it to be paid in a lump sum. Then she coughed and said, “Actually could I get that in the next hour?”

The 84-year-old woman who won the Powerball said someone let her cut in line to buy the winning ticket. The man she cut in front of said “it was worth every penny to scope out that ass.”

It’s come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers.  Or as Verizon is calling it –  the Friends and Family and Obama plan.

Republican Florida Senator Marco Rubio now says he will vote against his own immigration bill. In fact, he’s now gone so far to the right, he’s introducing a bill to deport himself.

Due to recent sexual misconduct in the military, Senator John McCain is suggesting women avoid serving altogether. McCain added, “And if they really want to play it safe, they might also want to stop working and voting.”

Last night, Taylor Swift attended the CMT awards with her brother as her date. In a related story, Taylor is now writing her weirdest breakup song yet.

Toyota has recalled over 200,000 Priuses. Apparently, there was a problem with the engine that prevented the drivers from acting smug.

Everyone’s OK, but a rapper has been arrested for allegedly stabbing an NFL player. The rapper is being charged with “impersonating an NFL player.”

There’s a growing trend among veterinarians of prescribing medical marijuana for dogs. Doritos is cashing in on this with their new flavor just for dogs – “Cool Ranch Your Own Balls.”

Just woke up from a nap and discovered 18 more “Game of Thrones” characters have been killed.

Played softball with my son last night. He says I “throw like a Conan.”

Pope Francis said that it is a sin for people to waste food. Then he made Chris Christie a “saint.”

It’s been reported that Kanye West will not be in the delivery room when Kim Kardashian has her baby. Before anyone gets mad, this was at the request of the baby.

Scientists have discovered a 55 million year old fossil which makes it the world’s oldest primate fossil. Or as Larry King calls it, Wife #2.

In Los Angeles, a porn star was sent to jail for pretending to his co-stars that he didn’t have an STD. He’s also been banned from the porn industry for being a convincing actor.

McDonald's has started introducing breakfast items at night for what it calls an “After Midnight Menu.” It’s all part of McDonald's’ new slogan, “Welcome Alcoholics.”

NSA whistle-blower Edward Snowden’s girlfriend is a pole-dancer.  I guess that settles the debate over whether or not he’s a hero.

House Speaker John Boehner called NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden a “traitor.” But only because Snowden leaked the settings for Boehner’s tanning bed.

Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it’s the goodest news they has heard all year.

Hillary Clinton has joined Twitter. Bill Clinton said, “That’s fine – as long as she doesn’t catch me on Match.com.”

The new Playstation 4 will allow gamers to record video footage of their gaming and share it with friends. All the gamers would need is an internet connection and friends.

An anonymous bidder paid $1 million for a private lunch with billionaire investor Warren Buffett. The first tip Warren Buffet gave him is, “Stop paying 1 million dollars for lunch – you moron.”

In San Francisco, police say rapper 2 Chainz was robbed at gunpoint. Police say the primary suspect is fellow rapper, “Needs 2 Chainz.”

Before we get started, if I can just ask everyone to shut their phones off. That’s right – I have some jokes I don’t want the government to hear.

Due to the government spying scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell’s book 1984 have skyrocketed. So the fallout from the scandal is worse than we thought: it’s making Americans read!

Senator Marco Rubio has proposed a measure requiring that all immigrants must know English. Opposing the bill are civil rights advocates, immigrants rights’ groups, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as “Obamaphobic.” You know you have Obamaphobia if you’ll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz.

It’s come out that the summer interns at Google make about $6000.00 per month. The news was reported to me by the interns at this show.

Jarod from Subway is now worth $15 million. So it’s official: Jarod, you can eat somewhere other than Subway.

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working round the clock to make sure this condition continues.

A truck driver in New Jersey who got a penile implant is suing because he had an 8-month erection.  The truck driver said he’s more comfortable with a semi.

Government collecting data from our cell phones? No wonder Barack Obama always beats me at Words with Friends.

This Sunday is Father’s Day.  Or as NBA players call it – Don’t Answer the Phone Day.

I’m excited because this Sunday’s Father’s Day and I’m a dad. I don’t know what I’m getting yet, but I have a feeling the government knows.

Google is denying that it supplied unlimited information to the NSA. Google’s exact words were: “Don’t worry America. Your obsession with Asian MILFS is safe with us.”

A new MySpace has officially launched. So at least now there’s one place Americans can go for privacy.

A recent report finds that, by the year 2043, white people will no longer be the majority in America. And, by 2050, people will be saying, “I’m not racist – one of my best friends is white.”

A recent court case may have laid the groundwork for interns getting paid. Its’ the landmark case of Conan vs. The College Students Who Wash His Car.

In Japan, the oldest man in recorded history has died. He is survived by 14 grandchildren, 25 great grandchildren, and his college roommate, Larry King.

The budget airline Spirit Airlines is now serving canned wine. A spokesman for Spirit said, “Hey, if it’s good enough for our pilots, it’s good for our passengers.”

I hope the government wasn’t spying on iPhones, or they’re going to have millions of records of people saying, “Sorry, you’re cutting out.”

The CEO of Men’s Wearhouse was fired. He’s filing a suit, an inexpensive, not very stylish suit.

This week, Paula Deen is expected to appear on “The Today Show.” Deen  said she chose the Today Show because they mostly keep that Roker guy outside.

Over the weekend, fans of Paula Deen staged a protest against her firing. Deen’s fans were so upset they held a hunger strike for eight seconds.

Paula Deen is also being accused of paying some of her employees in beer.  After hearing this, Andy Richter asked, “Is she hiring?”

No one knows exactly where NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is hiding at the moment.  Snowden released a statement saying “No one will find me unless some big mouth jerk starts blabbing like a-hole.”

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was convicted of having sex with an underage prostitute and sentenced to 7 years in prison. The good news is, by the time he’s out, that prostitute will be legal.

Hostess, announced that Twinkies will be back on store shelves in July. The CEO reassured fans that, not only will Twinkies be the same recipe from last year, they’ll also be the same Twinkies.

Kate Middleton recently announced that she plans to have a natural childbirth. And by natural– she means no drugs, just surrounded by the Queen’s Guards in a golden palace.

A United Airlines plane took off for a ten-hour flight without toilet paper on board. On the bright side – people finally found a use for the Sky-Mall catalog.

A farm in Washington is raising marijuana-fed pigs. You know when a pig’s been raised on marijuana because it’s always craving bacon.

In Boston this weekend, several men attacked former pop star Aaron Carter and accused him of being on “New Kids on the Block” territory. Police are calling it the saddest turf world in the history of the world.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have named their newborn girl North West. The baby is named after the direction in which it will to escape.

This weekend, Pope Francis did not attend a concert in Vatican City given in his honor. The Pope said, “I love all of mankind, but Josh Groban can suck it.”

Whatever we think the future will be, let’s all agree right now to never wear those tight silvery unitards.

Paula Deen’s son has defended his mother, saying that she has a “good heart.” He added, “Or she will if she ever stops eating her own food.”

Despite the controversy, the annual Paula Deen cruise has not been canceled and has added another cruise ship.  Each cruise ship can hold up to seven Paula Deen fans.

It’s been reported that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been living in the Moscow airport for two days. Not because he’s a fugitive, but because he’s flying United.

Apple’s new operating system lets users give Siri a male-sounding voice. The sad part is, every time you ask him a question, he says, “Let me ask my wife” and then it’s right back to the female voice.

Instagram has decided to allow pictures of breastfeeding. The decision is being called exciting news by mothers and creeps.

Chris Brown is being charged with a hit and run and Brown claims the charges are bogus.  Brown said, “I would never hit someone with my car.”

An amusement park has opened in Mexico and one of its rides is a fake border crossing. The ride begins in a fake Tijuana and ends outside a real Home Depot.

Home Depot has started selling a spray that can make any object waterproof, called “Never Wet”. When reached for comment, Michael Douglas said, “We’ll see about that.”

Today, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West revealed just why they named their baby “North.”  It turns out – they’re a-holes.

TMZ and babies both derive their life-sustenance from nip-slips.

Today’s Supreme Court rulings mean that gay marriage is legal in California. Which begs the question: Andy, what are you doing this weekend?

Today, President Obama personally called and talked to the two lesbians who helped legalize gay marriage in California. It was awkward at first because the women had to put Bill Clinton on hold.

In his written dissent, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia implied that he disapproves of gay sex. My guess: he’s just doing it wrong.

During an interview on The Today Show, Paula Deen started crying and said, “I is what I is.’ So apparently Deen’s not racist – she’s Popeye!”

During her interview on The Today Show, Paula Deen said she only used a racist slur once. When reached for comment, the Food Network said, “That’s why we only fired her once.”

Paula Deen claims she has gotten support from Rev. Jesse Jackson. But then Deen corrected herself and said, “Or maybe it was the mailman -- I don’t know, they all look the same.”

The new frontrunner in the New York City mayoral race is Anthony Weiner and some analysts say it’s due to name recognition.  And actually, I think a few people recognize more than just his name.

At a Yahoo shareholder meeting yesterday, an old man stood up and hit on Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer. He told her, “Since the first time I saw you, I’ve wanted to google your yahoo.”

The National Institutes of Health announced today that it plans to retire over 300 chimps from medical research. This is great news for anyone out there who’s in the market for a really pissed off chimp.

The latest rumor is that Kanye West has proposed marriage to Kim Kardashian. Reportedly Kanye said, “I pledge to love, honor, and cherish you like no one else on Earth” and then turned from his mirror and proposed to Kim.

Hey Supreme Court, where were you 17 years ago, when I wanted to elope with Bill Pullman?

Hot day today – People were sweating like Paula Deen at a Ludacris concert.

Despite a week of being called a racist, Paula Deen’s new cookbook is already on Amazon’s bestseller list. As a result, Rachel Ray just declared she’s not crazy about Mexicans.

Paula Deen’s book isn’t even out yet and it is already #1 on Amazon. At the bottom of the sales page, Amazon says, “Customers who liked this book may also like ALABAMA IN THE 1950s.”

Chris Christie said the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage is “wrong.”  However, Christie did admit he has had Chef Boy-R-Dee inside of him.

Sesame Street has laid off 10% of its workers.  The Count told everybody,  “You have 1-2-3 minutes to clean out your desk.”

Scientists have discovered that men are genetically programmed to look at other women. So… sorry ladies… it’s SCIENCE.

A man in Nevada recently became the first person to have headphones surgically implanted in his ears.  When asked why, the man said, “What?”

Martha Stewart has admitted to a threesome. Actually, the second guy was only there to iron the sheets afterwards.

I hope the NFL takes steps to bring its Player Murder Rate back down to acceptable levels.

Queen Elizabeth is getting a raise, after she played hardball by threatening to take her waving and weak smiles elsewhere.

I assume 'Escape Plan' is about Stallone and Schwarzenegger trying to escape their speech coaches.

I think the AAA Motor Club is really a cult that lures people in with friendly service, reasonable rates, and convenient locations.

Don't mean to brag, but many women say I combine the power and presence of a Mr. Roper with the raw sexual energy of a Mr. Furley.

“One if by land and two if by sea” refers to my bathroom habits on trains and ships.

A new report reveals that Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world’s fattest nation. In fact, now Mexicans are trying to cross the border just to ask us, “Are you going to finish that?”

It was reported on Friday that Paula Deen fired her publicist.  Her publicist is calling it “Black Friday” and I can’t repeat what Paula Deen is calling it.

Next Presidential election still 3 years away.  The Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president.  In fact, their new ads claim she’s so old she could be a Republican.

Last week, to celebrate the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg, hundreds of people dressed their dogs up like Abraham Lincoln. When reached for comment, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln said, “This makes it all worthwhile.”

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was caught frequenting prostitutes several years ago, is running for office again in New York. His campaign slogan is “Spitzer: Creating Jobs by the Hour.”

Judicial Scholars are saying that the current Supreme Court has repeatedly come down on the side of big business. When asked about it, Chief Justice Roberts said, “I’m Lovin’ It!”

A new study finds drinking three pints of beer a week permanently dulls the brain. So now you know: never stop at just three.

A woman who recently turned 100 gave a TV interview and would not stop talking about penises. The woman is known only by her first name, “Madonna.’”

A new report claims that Osama Bin Laden was able to avoid being detected in Pakistan by wearing a cowboy hat. Pakistani authorities say, “I guess he just got lost in the sea of other 7 -foot Muslims guys wearing cowboy hats.”

New York City now has two men, Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer, seeking political office despite recent sex scandals. Which is why New York is changing its nickname to “The City That Never Sleeps With Its Wife.”

Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a “vomit button” he could push whenever someone posts a photo of a gay couple kissing.  Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing.

A new report reveals that Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world’s fattest nation. The Mexican government has done a lot of research and it turns out their people eat way too much Mexican Food.

In Pittsburgh a man was arrested at a Taylor Swift concert for holding a sign that read “Taylor Swift is with Satan”.  Swift got angry and said – “For the record, Satan and I broke up two months ago.”

Hostess has announced that the new Twinkies will have an even longer shelf life. The  CEO of Hostess said, “Let me put it this way – our goal is to make Twinkies outlast people who eat Twinkies.”

According to a recent survey, the most stolen vehicle in the U.S. is the Ford F-250. And for the 10th year in a row, the least stolen vehicle is the Plymouth Anything.

The Golden Corral restaurant chain is being accused of unsanitary conditions after video surfaced of stacks of food near a dumpster. Today, a spokesman for the Golden Corral said, “You want fancy? Go to Arby’s!”

Among the most popular baby names in 2013 are names like “Katniss” and “Django” because they come from big Blockbuster movies. Which means you  won’t be running into any babies named “Tonto.”

In Florida, a man was arrested for the second time for having sex with the same horse.  After hearing this, women everywhere said, “Great, the one guy that’s faithful and he’s into horses.”

I suffer from the Irish curse - my penis stays out drinking all night.

A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber urinating into a mop bucket. Critics are calling it the "best thing Justin Bieber has ever released."

Later in the video where Justin Bieber urinates into a bucket, Justin Bieber says “F Bill Clinton.”  After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “That’s what I’ve been telling ladies for years.”

Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. Spitzer is paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it’s the second best $800 he’s ever spent.

In a new interview, former President George W. Bush called the immigration system “broken.”  Bush said, “And not just in this country, other countries are filled with foreigners.”

A Connecticut couple named its baby with help from the people at a Starbucks coffee shop. So welcome to the world, little “Scaldy Overprice.”

Hostess is bringing back Twinkies next week, but now employees are complaining about massive wage cuts.  A spokesperson for the employees said, “We can’t tighten our belts, we eat Twinkies.”

According to a new study, college students who have frequent one-night stands have higher levels of anxiety. Which explains my nickname in college “Captain Serenity.”

After a video surfaced of Justin Bieber saying, “F Bill Clinton,” Justin Bieber called to apologize to Bill Clinton. No word on when Bieber plans to call everyone who’s ever heard his music.

Justin Bieber apologized to the President Clinton for what he did to his photo. In return, Clinton apologized for what he did to a photo of Selena Gomez.

Justin Bieber’s side kick, Lil Twist, was arrested for DUI while driving Bieber’s car. But don’t worry, if there’s anyone who can survive prison life, it’s probably Justin Bieber’s sidekick Lil Twist.

President Obama’s approval rating is down to 44%.  You can tell Obama is getting desperate, today, he gave a speech entitled, “Hey, guys, the Twinkie is coming back.”

DC Comics has released a new comic in which Superman kills someone.  Then at the end of the comic book, he’s signed by the New England Patriots.

The Detroit Lions Quarterback Matthew Stafford signed a new contract worth $76 million.  They’re paying him $10 million to play quarterback and $66 million to live in Detroit.

A 14 month old girl was playing on her dad’s iPhone and accidentally bought a car on Ebay. By the way, this was the exact same excuse I used when my wife found all the porn on my computer.

A new study claims that doctors cut babies’ umbilical cords too quickly. The study says if you wait to cut the cord until they're 18, you can save a lot of money on groceries.

According to a recent study, the state that drinks the most beer in the country is North Dakota. In fact, one night North Dakota got so drunk, it woke up next to West Virginia.

The inventor of the game Twister has passed away at age 82. He spent the last 6 months with one foot in the grave and one foot on the color red.

It’s been a few years, so I’m just wondering: is it still hard out there for a pimp?

I didn't watch "Sharknado”. It conflicted with my DVR taping of "ClamQuake."

When Justin Bieber pees in a mop bucket, it’s national news. When I do it, I just get kicked out of Home Depot.

Kate Middleton and Prince William are expecting the baby any minute now.  The royals say they don’t care what gender it is- as long as it’s healthy enough to never work a day in its life.

Twinkies are back on the shelves and people are complaining that they are smaller. Ironically, the people complaining about it are not smaller.

Pope Francis showed up to his first public prayer in a Ford Focus. All I have to say to the Pope is— Good luck keeping that vow of celibacy cruising around town in a Ford Focus!

It’s been announced that, this fall, Chris Christie will guest-star as himself on an upcoming prime-time show.  It’s the premiere of the CBS spinoff, “How I Ate Your Mother.”

Yesterday, Beyonce was spotted shopping in a Target. There was an awkward moment at the cash register when Beyonce was rung up by the other members of Destiny’s Child.

The new ad for Men’s Wearhouse no longer features the famous catch phrase, “You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it.” Now it says, “Quit bitching- you just bought a suit at a warehouse.”

A sports medicine college has come out with its annual list of the fittest cities in America.  For the 4th year in a row, there aren’t any.

Over the weekend, Madonna attended her son's Bar Mitzvah. The ancient institution that turns boys into men said the Bar Mitzvah was a lot of fun.

It’s come out that 9% of Americans text during sex. The report also found that, in most cases, men text “OMG” while women text “LOL.”

Some Americans are texting during sex.  Of course I still miss the good old days of faxing during sex.

The new Twinkies are said to be smaller, but to last longer in the wrapper. In a related story, I’m suing the Hostess Company for stealing my pickup line.

This week, millions of Americans await the return of the Twinkie, while millions of British citizens await the arrival of the royal baby. So we’re both waiting for something that’s small, soft and will probably last 80 years.

Retired British soccer star David Beckham is telling Prince William and Kate Middleton to name their baby after him. The Royal Couple agreed and now everyone is excitedly awaiting the birth of their baby: Mr. Posh Spice.

At the White House yesterday, former President George H. W.  Bush gave President Obama a pair of socks. President Obama thanked him and said, “The last time I got a gift I got from the Republicans, it was Mitt Romney.”

McDonald’s plans to open its first restaurant in Vietnam.  So, looks like we might win that war after all.

Rush Limbaugh claims he is now allowed to say the n-word.  After hearing this, Paula Deen said, “Let me know how that works out for you.”

Former disgraced Governor Eliot Spitzer is running for office again in NY and it’s come out that he once gave a hooker $500 to take care of her sick cat. Well, technically, it was an appointment with her gynecologist.

It’s rumored that the new PlayStation controller will measure the degree to which you’re sweating. In response, gamers asked, “What’s sweating?”

In Georgia, the tea party is planning to raise funds by having a carnival. Because if there’s a carnival ride you want to go on, it’s one free of government regulation.

10% of Americans confess to texting while having sex. Most of them say they only do it to let their spouse know they’ll be working late tonight.

This weekend, a woman in Colorado gave birth inside a Wal-Mart. Apparently it’s the first thing found in a Wal-Mart not made in China.

People are anxiously awaiting the birth of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s baby. I was in South Central LA today, and everyone is on pins and needles.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter Liz has decided to run for the US Senate. She’s running on the slogan: “Elect me, or I’ll make my Dad vice president again.

The Pope is offering time off from purgatory for anyone who follows him on Twitter. He also said it’s cool for Catholics to have premarital sex as long as they “Like” his Facebook page.

It’s been revealed that the iPhone will not autocorrect the word "marijuana." This explains why the other night, Snoop Dog was delivered a package of marinara.

Yahoo’s newest financial report shows a big drop in revenue from last year.  Yahoo says they found out about the drop after Googling it.

In Florida, a former NFL player was arrested for leaving a toddler in his car while he went to a strip club. Today the NFL commissioner said, “You know— I prefer to think of this as a story of a player who still has custody of his child and didn’t murder anyone.”

The rapper Nas has just received a prestigious fellowship from Harvard University. Nas is being honored for his groundbreaking theory that “bros” must always precede “hos.”

A new survey shows that the average American man’s penis is 5.6 inches long. I don’t know about you— but I think it’s time we switched over to the metric system.  (I’m packing 142 millimeters).

According to a new report, Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore is the best hospital in the country.  The worst hospital?  Big Al’s Appendectomy Hut.

Any Walmart can be a cool, smoky jazz bar if you bring your own jazz band and smoke machine.

Bookies say the odds are 11:2 that the royal baby will be named “George” after his great-great grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100:1 that he will be named “George” after the George Foreman grill.

Kate Middleton had her baby.  The Royal baby is 8 pounds but you can’t really put a price on a child.

In Rio de Janeiro, they’ve kicked off World Youth Day— which is one of the largest gatherings for devout young Catholics. In other words, this weekend, ComicCon was only the second largest gathering of virgins.

Any of you go to Comic-Con? I was going to go, but I was stopped by security for “Possession of a Wife and a Job.”

The TSA announced that passengers can pass through security without taking their shoes off if they’re willing to pay an extra $85. That explains the TSA’s new motto, “We catch terrorists who don’t have an extra $85.00 on them.”

One Direction released a new single called, “Best Song Ever." “Best Song Ever” is the first single off their new album entitled, “If You’ve Never Heard  A Song Before.”

The other day at LAX, Kanye West punched a photographer.  Apparently, Kanye got mad at the guy for not taking his picture.

A new  study finds that the happiest ages are 23 and 69. And the happiest person of all— a 69 year old dating a 23 year old.

This weekend, New York held its first ever “Smallest Penis Pageant.” The competition was stiff, but nobody could tell.

Today the Royal Baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there’s one thing babies love, it’s the sound of repeated artillery fire.

Experts are predicting that royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question now is, how do we get this kid to move to Detroit?

Prince William revealed today that he changed his first diaper.  Unfortunately, it was Queen Elizabeth’s.

It’s being reported that the Royal Baby is set to inherit $1 billion dollars. In fact, he’s so rich, he’s already dating a girl half his age.

President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. Obama told the royal baby, “Make sure you hang on to the birth certificate.”

After his initial sex scandal, New York Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner sent out more explicit pictures online under the alias, Carlos Danger. At a press conference, Weiner apologized and said, “This will never happen again or my name isn’t Carlos Danger.”

At the press conference today, Anthony Weiner’s wife said she will stand by her husband. Especially when he goes on the computer.

Kim Jung Un is asking a German brewery to build a beer garden in the North Korean capital. Today, Germany said no, saying, "The last time we teamed up with a small Asian country, things got a little crazy."

There's a new brand of cereal designed to increase sexual stamina. It's called "Honey Nut Cheri-Ohhhhhs."

Over the past 30 years, the average American cup size has gone from 34B to 34DD. And that’s just the men.

Kirstie Alley has advocated violence against the paparazzi. In response, the Paparazzi promised to leave her alone, effective 15 years ago.

A town in New Jersey is trying to block Snooki from shooting her new reality show there.  However, Snooki plans to sneak back in town disguised as an orange traffic cone.

An employee at Subway admitted to putting his penis on the sandwich bread at work and posting the photo. The bad news is he was fired but the good news – he’s now leading the New York City mayoral race.

Prince William and Kate Middleton’s baby’s name is Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said, “We wanted a name that reflects his great history and gets him beaten up everyday at school.”


Queen Elizabeth met the Royal Baby for the first time yesterday.  The baby cried until Queen Elizabeth explained that he’ll never have to work a day in his life.

New York Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner said he is focused on moving forward. He said, “Throughout this experience I’ve really grown – and if you don’t believe me, I’ll send you a picture.”

Now a woman has come forward to day that During Phone Sex, Anthony Weiner Would Orgasm In 30 Seconds.  Man— no wonder this guy’s so good at apologizing.

Yesterday, a pro football player for the Tennessee Titans saved a family from a burning car.  Then, because he’s an NFL player, he murdered them.

China has banned the release of "Despicable Me 2." Chinese officials said, “Putting small creatures to work in harsh conditions is OUR thing.”

An employee at Subway has admitted to putting his penis on the sandwich bread at work and posting the photo. Even more embarrassing, the sandwich was one of their “2-dollar 2-inchers.”


A New York City pedicab driver is being investigated for charging Japenese tourists $720 for a 20 minute bike ride.  He’s been charged with impersonating a regular cab driver.

Taylor Swift cancelled a radio contest to meet her “biggest fan” when it turned out her biggest fan was a man nearly twice her age. Man, nothing’s working out for Anthony Weiner these days.

Despite his sexting scandal, Anthony Weiner is still trying to become mayor of  NYC.  Today, Anthony Weiner volunteered at a soup kitchen. And trust me— you don’t want to know how he stirred the soup.

It’s come out that Anthony Weiner would orgasm in 30 seconds when having phone sex. So either Weiner has a stamina problem, or a really bad calling plan.

Anthony Weiner is saying other women may now come forward.  Actually he’s asked them to come forward, then back up a little, then come forward again…

It has been reported that Lebron James will no longer play Olympic basketball for the United States.  Lebron said he won’t play for any country that has less money than he does.

The NFL wants to test NFL players for human growth hormone but players are opposed.  Players are saying, “There’s a time and place for blood tests, and that’s at our murder trials.”

In Pakistan, there’s a new TV show about a female superhero called “The Burka Avenger.” Her fantastic superpowers include flying, X-ray vision, and “going to college.”

A man in India is claiming to be the oldest man on Earth at 141 years old.  Larry King said, “I always like that kid.”

At a restaurant in Philadelphia, Taylor Swift left the waiter a $500 tip and two tickets to her concert.  Unfortunately, he still broke up with her.

Wow, Slayer’s “Raining Blood” sure sounds less sinister on a banjo.

Anthony Weiner said, “More will come out.” Just how long is this guy’s penis?

So, the CEO of Google has a $15 million sex penthouse? That’s nothing compared to my $20 a month sex P.O. Box.

The United States…….. is………ranked………….9th ………in the……….world for…………………… Internet speed.

In Brazil, three million people attended the Pope's mass.  The Pope attributed the huge turn-out to his opening act, The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Three million people attended the Pope’s mass in Brazil. You could tell it was a big crowd because at Communion time, they had to bring out the “Body of Christ Cannon.”

Since his latest sexting scandal, things keep getting worse for NYC Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner.  Yesterday, Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager quit.  Weiner didn’t give any severance but he did offer him a package.

Bill Clinton is reportedly very upset that Anthony Weiner is comparing his sexting scandal to Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky. Today Bill Clinton said, “Real men cheat in person.”

In Germany, researchers were recently able to stop light from traveling for an extended period of time. Here’s how they did it— they placed the light on United Airlines.

The inventor of the world’s first artificial test tube hamburger said that it “looks, feels and hopefully tastes like meat.” He was immediately sued by Arby’s for stealing their slogan.

Taylor Swift cancelled a radio contest to meet her “biggest fan” because the winner turned out to a 39 year old man. The radio station said she had to cancel because it’s against the rules for the winner to be a loser.

Rapper DMX was arrested for driving drunk in a 1978 Plymouth station wagon. He was charged with a DUI and for “being a rapper in a 1978 Plymouth station wagon.”

Things keep getting worse for New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner.  The latest New York City mayoral polls reveal that Anthony Weiner is in 4th place.  Or as Weiner says, “Hey— I’m at the bottom of a foursome.”

One of the women who sexted with Anthony Wiener has been cast in her first porn movie. When asked for comment, Anthony Weiner said, “See- I’m already creating jobs.”

Anthony Weiner’s not worried he's in 4th place.  Weiner said, “Polls don’t mean anything.  It’s up to the people of New York.”  Then someone explained that the polls are the actual opinions of the people of New York.

Oprah Winfrey’s TV channel, OWN, has finally turned a profit. I think I speak for everyone when I say— thank God we no longer have to worry how Oprah is going to make ends meet.

A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry around concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.

Today, after years of waiting, peace talks resumed between the Israelis and the Palestinians.  Wait I’m sorry -- this cue card is from 1979.

The Army says it plans to start using lead-free, eco-friendly bullets. Also, unmanned drones will notify their presence with smooth jazz.

Today is National Orgasm Day.  Or as Anthony Weiner calls it— “Wednesday.”

A new poll says that most Democrats think that Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind.  Weiner said, “The important thing is, I haven’t lost my phone.”

The San Diego Mayor, who is accused of sexual harassment, is asking the city to cover his legal fees. When they refused, he said, “OK fine, come get the money… it’s right down here in my pants pocket…”

A Nevada parole board said OJ Simpson could be granted early parole. O.J. said he’s looking forward to getting out and showing today’s NFL players how to really murder someone.

Al-Qaeda announced they will try to free the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Because nothing helps you pull off a prison break on a faraway island like announcing it ahead of time.

There’s a new car coming out from BMW that’s partially made from hemp. It’s the only car in the world that people actually hope catches on fire.

Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped at the border and police found marijuana inside.  Bieber said, “Oh come on- if that were pot, wouldn’t my music be better?”

According to a report, there is a small town in Florida where half the population is made up of sex offenders.  Good schools, though.

It’s just been revealed that the NSA has a program that monitors everything anyone does on the Internet at all times. I’m not worried though— because my screen name is “I’mAndyRichter.”

Simon Cowell is going to be a Dad.  Today, Cowell saw the ultrasound and called the fetus “unpolished and totally lacking in charisma.”

Last weekend, a German woman gave birth to a 13.47 lb baby. Doctors say the mom is resting comfortably and the baby is invading Poland.

At a concert this week, Justin Bieber rubbed a fan’s smartphone on his crotch. In a related story, Justin Bieber is now in third place in the New York City mayoral race.

Major League Baseball said that Friday, it will announce which players it’s penalizing for steroid use. So far, the rumor is “all of them.”

An NFL player is in trouble for making a comment at a country music concert that is offensive to Black people. His comment was “I enjoy country music.”

In a recent interview, Katy Perry revealed that she would like to become a serious actress.  She then did a monologue from “MacBeth” in a bra made of ice cream.    

Facebook has a new feature that allows you to see what you were posting a year ago. To use it, just log onto Facebook and click on the “I’m wasting my life” button.

It was announced today that Playboys and Penthouse magazines will no longer be sold at Army and Air Force bases.  In other words, the Army and Air Force now have Wifi. 

Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois.

A new car is coming out from BMW that’s partially made from hemp. It’s the first car that can go from 0 to 60 in whatever dude.

This new Pope seems kind of cool, but I’ll reserve judgment until I see his set at Lollapalooza.

A new study finds coffee drinkers are 50% less likely to commit suicide. Just wait until the debut of Starbucks’ new “Sylvia Plathaccino.”

Not looking forward to the next Wolverine movie, where he fights his ultimate nemesis: “The Blackboard.”

President Obama said he’s urging his daughters not to get caught up trying to act like celebrities. He’s particularly worried about Sa$ha.

A new study says that teenagers are losing interest in Facebook because it’s too popular with their parents. The same goes for weed.


This weekend, President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of cake and told him he’s not allowed to have any.

This weekend, President Obama played golf with some friends, and the winner got to ride in the presidential helicopter.  The loser had to ride on a Jetski with Joe Biden.


Photos of the Royal Baby’s birth certificate have surfaced, and on the document Kate Middleton’s occupation is listed as “Princess.” It’s always inspiring to me when a new mother decides to remain in the workplace. 

San Diego mayor Bob Filner, accused by multiple women of sexual harassment, has begun two weeks of therapy. His sessions got off to an awkward start when he asked his therapist if her couch was a pullout.


Major League Baseball announced today Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for 211 games. So if you’re familiar with the major league baseball schedule, it means he’ll be out for about a month.

The $380,000 project to make the world’s first synthetic hamburger was paid for by Google’s founder. That explains Google’s new slogan, “We Have Too Much Money.”  

A geyser in Yellowstone National Park erupted last week, for the first time in 8 years.  Scientists attribute this to the geyser’s new 19-year old girlfriend.   


One of the latest trends is ATM machines where transactions are conducted by a human teller. The cutting-edge device is being called “a bank.”


It was recently revealed that “Posh Spice” once tried to get “Sporty Spice” kicked out of the Spice Girls. Luckily, things were calmed down by Reasonable Spice.


It’s being reported that Justin Bieber and his crew are under investigation after they were involved in a night-club brawl. Police want to find out how the fight got started and also, how Justin Bieber got a “crew.”

Confession time. Since 1997, I’ve been writing a children’s book series under the pseudonym “JK Rowling.”

A recent study shows that having an orgasm is better for your brain than doing mental exercises.  That means I spent most of my high school years furiously warding off dementia.

After appealing his drug suspension, Alex Rodriguez thanked his family, friends and fans for their support. Then he thanked all the horses and cattle for their testosterone.


Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has purchased The Washington Post for $250 million. He said last night, like most Amazon customers, he was drunk and buying crap on the internet he didn’t need.

At an airport in Connecticut, a man was arrested after saying he had a bomb. He was released as soon as he showed police his DVD of The Lone Ranger.

Yesterday it was announced that Chris Hansen, the long time host of “To Catch a Predator,” is being let go. The network surprised Hansen with the news last night in his kitchen.


Darryl McDaniels, of the legendary rap group Run-D.M.C., called today’s hip-hop culture “disrespectful and immature.” Darryl said, “In my day, we held the door open for a bitch.”


This week, President Obama’s speech was interrupted when the crowd began singing Happy Birthday. In a related story, Joe Biden’s speech was interrupted when the crowd realized that the speaker was Joe Biden.

President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn’t like Putin’s demand that the summit be held “shirtless and on horseback.”

On its one year anniversary of landing on Mars, the Mars rover Curiosity sang Happy Birthday to me.  It then got really depressed and shot itself. 


Michelle Obama’s new initiative is to fight obesity through hip hop. She’s hoping it goes better than her previous initiative: Fighting marijuana  use through reggae.


In a new interview, Bill Clinton said he has nothing to do with Anthony Weiner’s campaign. Clinton said, “When it comes to political sex scandals, always be sure to look for the Official Bill Clinton Seal of Approval.”


If A-Rod is suspended from major league baseball, he also won’t be able to play in Japan, South Korea and Taiwan. Which means someone’s company’s softball team is really going to start kicking ass.


In Tennessee, a Chick-Fil-A manager has apologized for asking a mom to stop breast-feeding.  Chick-Fil-A later took back the apology when they heard the baby was gay. 


A former Victoria’s Secret model has come out with a clothing line where the clothes have Bible verses written on them. I don’t know about you guys— I don’t want to see a woman wearing panties that read, “Valley of the Shadow of Death.”


Brigham Young University has been named the "Top Sober School in America" for the 16th year in a row.  The students celebrated by having the worst party ever.

The NFL announced the referees will crack down this year on excessive celebrations.  Players are being told not to show off too much after a touchdown, a sack, or a murder.


32 other countries have a greater life expectancy than the U.S.  This is due to obesity, smoking, and the NFL.

American Airlines has come under fire because a flight attendant was rude to a breastfeeding mom.  They also charged the baby extra for taking up two teats. 


A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say... that is an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot.


A new report says that over the past thirty years, the number of people in the U.S. who speak a language other than English has tripled. At least, I think that’s what the report said, it was written in Spanish.


The Secret Service is asking people on Twitter to report any suspicious tweets. So now if your boss catches you on Twitter, just tell him, “I’m protecting our country!”


A scientist has figured out a way to turn coffee grounds into alcohol. Well, he’s not technically a scientist so much as an “alcoholic.”


The other day in Nevada, a woman ran into a Subway restaurant and gave birth. So I guess everything in a Subway really is made fresh!


Obama turned down a role in Oprah’s movie “The Butler.”  Instead, Oprah had to go with her second choice, German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Netflix pulled a "Star Trek" film after complaints about incorrect Vulcan subtitles. Also, allegations of completely fake words like “vagina.”

New photos have been released of Justin Bieber serenading his grandma in the nude. When reached for comment, Bieber’s grandma said, “Isn’t my granddaughter adorable?”

Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez hit his first home run of the year and the final season of "Breaking Bad" premiered. In other words—  it was a big day for drug dealers.

Oprah was shopping in Switzerland recently and a Swiss clerk refused to show her a $38,000 purse because she didn’t think Oprah could afford it.  To prove a point, Oprah bought Switzerland.


San Diego mayor Bob Filner left his sexual harassment rehab program a week early. He said, “I’m mostly cured- now, I only grab one boob.”


62% of New Yorkers say they are embarrassed by the sex scandals of Anthony Weiner.  Weiner said, “Let me know when that number reaches 69.”


The executives at BlackBerry are considering selling off the company. It’s being called a very lucrative move by "Six Years Ago Magazine."


At the Missouri State Fair, a rodeo clown put on a President Obama mask and tried to get a bull to chase him. But it backfired because the bull just sat down and said, “Let’s be fair and see what he does with his second term.”


"Star Wars" creator George Lucas and his wife recently welcomed their first child. As is Lucas’ way, he won’t tell the child he’s the father until episode five.


Justin Bieber was involved in another all-out brawl. This one with Brownie Troop #152.

An entrepreneur is proposing a new mode of transportation called the Hyperloop that would take you from Los Angeles to San Francisco in half an hour. Not only that, it can take you from one side of Los Angeles to the other in only three hours. 

As part of her anti-obesity campaign, Michelle Obama is releasing a hip hop album. The name of the album is “Phat Beats for Fat Kids.”  This first single is called “Get Ripped or Die Trying.”


San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been accused of sexual harassment by 14 women, and now a hotline has been established to take any new sexual harassment claims. The number is 1-800-How-Is-This-Guy-Still-Mayor?  

North Korea has announced that it is developing its own smartphone. Unfortunately, the phones are so smart, they’ve already escaped from North Korea.


Today, Pope Francis had a private meeting with an Italian soccer star.  The Pope told the soccer star, “Like you— I’m also not allowed to use my hands.”


Scientists have found a new link between high blood sugar and dementia. Which explains Cinnabon’s new slogan: “The last bite you’ll ever remember.”

The Detroit Police Department accidentally emailed out a list of the bra sizes of female officers.  But relax— It was just  an honest mistake by the guy who keeps a list of his co-workers bra sizes. 

There’s a new cable channel of entirely dog-based programming called “DogTV.” In a related story, there’s also an entirely cat-based channel called “YouTube.”


A hotel in New York City now offers a plastic surgery recovery package. Basically, it’s a place for people to relax after they’ve seen Bruce Jenner up close.


An organization that represents pole dancing is trying to get it recognized as an Olympic sport.  The biggest hurdle will be getting the Olympics to change their official anthem to “Cherry Pie.”


According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found that most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.

A Hooter’s in San Diego has put up a sign saying they won’t serve Mayor Bob Filner because he disrespects women.  A spokesman for Hooter’s said, “We don’t want him as a customer but we’d love him as a manager.”


According to a new poll, over 50% of New Yorkers say they won’t vote for Anthony Weiner no matter what.  The other 50% said they are going to wait until they see all the other candidates’ penises.


According to a poll, New Yorkers say they won’t vote for Anthony Weiner.  Weiner said, “Oh yeah, well, I could show you my own pole.”

In a new interview, Oprah said she is not a control freak. You can read the rest of the interview in this month’s Oprah magazine, with Oprah on the cover.


A new study finds that the worst drivers drive a Prius. Apparently, it’s very difficult to drive well while patting yourself on the back.


The makers of drones want the media to stop calling their unmanned aircrafts “drones.” The makers of drones said, “We prefer the term ‘surprise visitor!’”


A group of researchers simulating life conditions for astronauts on Mars found that the most suitable foods are rice, Spam, and Nutella. So apparently, I spent my freshman year of college on Mars.


The author of "50 Shades of Grey" has been named the world’s best paid author. When J.K. Rowling heard the news, she announced the release of her latest book, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Gentle Ass Play."


A company in Japan has released a line of Pepsi flavored Cheetos. Apparently, they're a hit with people who smoke Dr. Pepper flavored pot.

In San Diego, Hooters restaurants are refusing to serve Mayor Filner because they say he is disrespectful to women in his office. The CEO said, “There’s a time and place to be disrespectful to women, and that’s at a Hooters.”


Immigrants on the US/Mexican Border are memorizing phrases that will increase their odds of being let into the country. Apparently the most commonly used phrase is, "Hola, yo soy un Canadian."


According to a new report, Tulsa, Oklahoma has the lowest rent in the country. Nice try Tulsa— but we’re still not moving there.


The NFL is considering hiring a mother of three to be a referee.  They wanted someone who’s used to giving time-outs.


In order to spread awareness on colon cancer, a medical group in Florida has built a 40-foot colon that people can walk through. And trust me— you don't want to know how their spreading awareness about erectile dysfunction.


Scientists in Edinburgh are developing a computer that tells jokes. Of course, I’m not worried about my job because they haven’t yet made a computer that tells jokes AND makes women feel uncomfortable.


Apparently, Mayor Filner sexually harassed a great-grandmother. Today, Filner said, "You can call me sexist, but you can't call me ageist."

This week, John McCain was called in for jury duty. McCain hasn’t served on a jury since the landmark case of “Man v. Fire.”

A new study says it costs $241,000 to raise a child to age 18. However, that's mostly due to the candy cigarette tax.

Remember: it’s never too late to become a child prodigy.

Huffington Post is set to ban anonymous comments. I guess "SexxxyGingerNotConanOBrien" will have to move on to greener pastures.

I understand Miley’s VMA performance. I’ve missed dozens of NFL games because my foam hand and I never made it out of the bedroom.

Finally reached “Premier Elite Executive Diamond Platinum My Life Is Empty” status on American Airlines.

Talked to the guy in charge of milk expiration dates. He said he just uses relatives’ birthdays.

The co-founder of Google and his wife have split up.  When asked why, he said, "Search me."

Yesterday, Diana Nyad set a record swimming from Cuba to Florida. The 64-year-old swimmer also broke another record as “Youngest person to ever set foot in Florida.”

Yesterday, 64-year-old swimmer Diana Nyad swam 100 miles from Cuba to Florida and she didn’t use a shark cage. President Obama is calling it “a triumph of the human spirit”, while sharks are calling it a “A huge screw-up.”


Syria’s leader Assad referred to President Obama as "weak." Obama was so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to think up a good comeback.

Last week, the Department of Justice said it will stop enforcing some federal marijuana laws. The Department of Justice made this decision after someone brought in a batch of brownies. 


Motorola is now making the first smartphone that’s not made overseas, but in Texas. It’s the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun.


This weekend, leaders from the NAACP met with leaders from the KKK. After seven hours of talks, both sides agreed that they don’t really care for Bryant Gumble.


In South Carolina, a couple was arrested for having sex at a Home Depot.  On the bright side, she did find the tool she was looking for.


Miley Cyrus finally spoke out about her performance at the MTV Video Music Awards and said she wanted to "make history." Cyrus said, “I wanted to be the first woman ever to dance provocatively at the VMA’s and still not turn anyone on.”


At a nightclub this weekend, a man tried unsuccessfully to tackle Justin Bieber. In a related story, there’s a full grown man out there who is UNABLE TO TACKLE JUSTIN BIEBER.


This week in Tennessee, a woman was accused of hiding $5,000 of stolen cash in her rectum. Today, the guy she stole it from said, "she can keep it." 


A new report shows that men have smaller penises if their mother ate chicken during her pregnancy. You can read the entire report in the apology section of this month’s O’Brien family newsletter.


Senator John McCain is under fire for being caught playing poker on his smartphone during a Senate hearing on Syria. Even worse - it was strip poker.

The newest rumor is that Bill Clinton has been cheating on his vegan diet. The most damning evidence is a blue dress with a splotch of gravy on it.


Tonight begins Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, kicking off the year 5774. The Jewish year is calculated by counting the number of years since Larry King’s Bar Mitzvah.

The new football video game "Madden NFL 25" has a feature that lets you control the career of a player over several seasons. So you can move Tim Tebow to fullback, trade Tony Romo from the Cowboys, or plead "Guilty" for Aaron Hernandez.


This weekend, Burger King debuted its new "French Fry Burger." So finally, a solution to the problem of having to reach for fries in between bites of your burger.

It is now legal for prisoners in California to marry their same-sex partners. So the next time your cellmate tries to violate you, just tell him, you’ll have to marry me first.

A new study finds that marijuana is the #1 illegal drug used around the world. Stoners across the globe were going to throw a huge celebration, but then a rerun of "Cake Boss" came on.


Fans of "50 Shades of Grey" are upset about the actors chosen to star in the movie.  The producers of "50 Shades of Grey" said, "Sorry but our hands were tied."


The cellphone maker Fujitsu is releasing a new smartphone that’s just for old people. The most popular game on the phone will be "Words With Friends Who Are Still Alive."


Sony has debuted a $4000.00 HDTV. It’s got all the latest technology including the ability to turn itself off anytime Miley Cyrus starts to twerk.


It was so hot today, Miley Cyrus was twerking against a block of ice.

Today is the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah and the first day of the NFL season.  In other words— a lot of NFL players had to start the season without their lawyers. 


Yesterday in New York, Anthony Weiner got into a heated argument in a bakery.  Apparently, the bakery was mad that Weiner brought in his own cannoli. 

Yesterday, a news anchor accidentally hung up on Oprah while he was interviewing her. He is survived by his wife and children.

In China, a five-year old boy has become the youngest person ever to fly a airplane. And, in about an hour from now, people are hoping he'll become the youngest person ever to land a airplane.


In Texas, a snake was spotted in a Starbucks.  It was waiting in a long line behind other snakes.


Tim Robbins, the star of "The Shawshank Redemption" has begun teaching acting to inmates at a California prison.  In a related story, 800 prisoners have just tunneled out of that California prison. 


In Nashville on Tuesday night, Steven Tyler made a surprise appearance at a café and played a couple songs. People who saw Steven Tyler perform live said it was a treat to see Cher perform live.

Snooki is going to be on the new season of Dancing With The Stars. Question: Can Time Warner get into a fight with ABC this Fall?

Watched the Bronco game last night. Nice to finally see NFL guys wearing orange that aren’t jumpsuits.

The new "Madden NFL 25" lets you control a player's career over several seasons. I got it just so I could keep repeatedly firing Tim Tebow.

It’s rumored that Apple will soon be selling its new low cost iPhone in China. Which explains Apple’s new iPhone slogan there, "The best gifts are the ones made by your kids."

While in North Korea, Dennis Rodman claims to have met Kim Jong Un’s secret baby. Apparently, nobody has the heart to tell Rodman that the secret baby he met is actually Kim Jong Un.


Dennis Rodman said that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is a "awesome guy" and a "good dad." In response,  Kim Jong Un said that Dennis Rodman is, "batshit crazy."


New York City is replacing electronic voting booths with 50-year-old lever machines.  When reached for comment, Anthony Weiner said, "I was already planning on going into the booth and pulling a 50 year old lever."

Last week, the Queen’s son, Prince Andrew, was mistaken for an intruder at Buckingham Palace and tackled.  After tackling him, Queen Elizabeth apologized and helped him up.


Tokyo has been named the host of the 2020 Olympics, despite concerns about the Fukushima radiation leak. That explains the Tokyo Olympics’ official mascot, a three-headed Hello Kitty.

Yesterday, Bill Gates won an award for his charity work in medical research and the prize is worth $250,000.  So it looks like Bill Gates won’t be flying coach for a while.


Las Vegas is about to unveil what will be the world’s largest Ferris Wheel. City officials are calling it, "An entirely new way to throw up on the streets of Las Vegas!"

In Iowa, blind people are now eligible to receive a gun permit. Blind people say it’s time they had the chance to express themselves with something other than jazz.


A woman in California is suing a hospital after an anesthesiologist drew a mustache on her face during an operation.  The anesthesiologist defended himself by saying, "I’m really bad at drawing penises."


In her latest music video, Miley Cyrus appears naked on a wrecking ball. It’s the video for her new song, "Metaphor."

Miley Cyrus' fiancée is reportedly considering breaking it off, in part because of her performance at the VMAs.  He told Miley, “I’m sorry— but our relationship isn’t twerking.”


Scientists have discovered a new shark species that can walk. It was immediately hired by CAA.

Yesterday, the entire cabinet of Iran joined Facebook. Then they spent the rest of the day pretending not to see a "Friend Request" from Israel.

Today was the primary election for New York City mayor, and the new and improved iPhones were announced. So, kind of a bad news, good news day for Anthony Weiner.

If Christine Quinn wins the New York City Mayoral race, she’d be the city’s first lesbian mayor. Which is why her campaign slogan is, "Christine Quinn— As Far Away From Weiner As You Can Get."


Today Apple announced a much lower-priced iPhone. It’s so low-budget, you can only ask Siri questions after she gets off working her second job as a waitress.

Syria agreed to a tentative plan to hand over all of its chemical weapons to Russia.  Vladimir Putin said, "And those weapons better not be gay."

The CDC says its graphic anti-smoking TV ads have helped over 200,000 people to quit. Not quit smoking—quit watching television.

Two parents in Canada are weaning their kids off technology by banning any device invented after 1986. The children describe their parents as total Donkey Kongs who should go fax themselves. 

A 96-year-old man has become the oldest artist ever to have a hit song on the Billboard Hot 100. So, congratulations to David Lee Roth.

A new study claims that men with smaller testicles are more nurturing fathers.  The study was published in "Who Thinks Up This Shit?" Magazine.

A brewer has come out with a beer that you can spread on toast. It's said to appeal to a very specific market known as "alcoholics."

In the Democratic primary for mayor of New York, Anthony Weiner came in last place, ran through a McDonald's to escape the porn star he sexted with, and as he drove away from reporters he gave them the finger.  So at least he went out with dignity.

Yesterday, Anthony Weiner was temporarily denied access at the voting booth. Then he offered to show a photo ID, and they said, “That’s OK – we’re good.”

On his way to his concession speech last night, Anthony Weiner avoided the media by ducking into a McDonald's.  Then he created a scene there by saying, “Who wants to see a quarter-pounder with two McNuggets?”


According to a survey, Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke.

This morning, Apple stock dropped 5% despite their announcement of the new iPhone 5S. Apple said they expect the stock to bounce back next week when they announce the iPhone 6.

The new Secretary of the Vatican said that celibacy for priests is open for discussion. In a related story, nuns are now allowed to twerk.

It’s been reported that the Pope has been calling people personally and offering relationship advice. And sometimes he’ll just sit on the line, listening, and chime in, “DAMN, girl!”

Two parents are weaning their kids off technology by banning anything invented after 1986. Mostly the kids stick to wholesome activities from '86 like Rubik’s Cube, aerobics, and cocaine.

New research has indicated something called "male menopause," where men get fatter and lose interest in sex. Of course it’s also known as "football season."

Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote an editorial in the New York Times asking the US to avoid "brute force" and be more "civilized." Unfortunately, Putin couldn’t finish writing it, as he had to go take his shirt off and arrest gay people.


Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2000 years of Christianity came to an end.


Wal-Mart reports that one of the most popular toys this Christmas will be a brand-new Barbie dream house. Of course the least popular toy this Christmas— the "Twerking Elmo."


California has many more unplanned pregnancies than almost any other state.  Of course, keep in mind, California has many more NBA teams than any other state.

A company has developed urinal cakes that will tell you if you're drunk.  Basically, if you can hit the urinal cake, you're not drunk.

A Senate panel working on laws to protect the media has agreed on an official definition for a journalist. The new official definition of a journalist is "A blogger wearing pants."


In a new interview, TV Host Julie Chen said she had an operation to widen her eyes.  After hearing this, Clint Eastwood said, "You can do that?"


A woman from Las Vegas has given birth to quintuplets. The Vegas woman was only supposed to have twins, but the doctor kept saying, "Hit me."


Miley Cyrus said people should forget that she’s naked when they watch her new video.  She said, "Instead, they should remember that this is what happens when you let children become actors."

Just found out Spain has its own version of SNL. It’s just 90 minutes of ham tastings.

Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, the day when Jews around the world ask for forgiveness for Anthony Weiner.

I’m torn because I love the new iPhone5S’s fingerprint scanner, but I also want to get away with some murders.

The new "Grand Theft Auto" is coming out, and it takes place in a city modeled on Los Angeles. You can steal a car in five seconds, but you need five hours to get it home in traffic.

For the first time, the Miss America Pageant was won by a woman of Indian descent. The judges asked her, "Why do you want to be Miss America?" "What will you do with the prize?" and "How do I get my laptop to reboot?"

Over the weekend, LeBron James got married. He was set to marry his high school sweetheart in Cleveland, but then left for a better offer from a girl in Miami.

Bill Gates has reclaimed his title of "World’s Wealthiest Man." So I’m guessing he’ll probably be getting the new iPhone 5s.

There’s a new exercise trend of people "twerking" to get fit. In just six weeks, you can lose 10 pounds AND your dignity!

Cher said she will not perform at next year’s Winter Olympics in Russia because of Russia’s anti-gay policies. And also, because she wasn't asked. 

A new study found that toddlers who talk early tend to develop a drinking problem later on in life. Another warning sign is if the kid asks for his milk "on the rocks."

The oldest man in the world is now a 111-year-old from Italy. And because it’s Italy, he’s dating a 22-year-old.

On Friday, Will Smith’s son Jaden tweeted that kids should drop out of school. He then tweeted, "Before you drop out, make sure that you're Will Smith's son."

A new study says surgeons who play video games are better at their jobs. Then again, do you really want to go to a surgeon who believes everyone gets three lives?

It was reported that this Halloween, the top costume is going to be Miley Cyrus. Just a warning – I’m not giving any candy to a kid who says, "Trick or Twerk."

Miley Cyrus and her fiancée have officially called off their engagement. So here’s a scary thought: we’re about to see how Miley Cyrus acts when she’s SINGLE.

Both Miley Cyrus and her fiancée Liam Hemsworth have moved on.  Liam has already been spotted with another woman and Miley has been spotted at the hardware store licking the hammers.


Earlier today in New York, Joe Biden’s niece was arrested.  The hardest part about arresting a Biden is convincing them they have the right to remain silent. 


This Thanksgiving, for the first time ever, the Butterball Turkey Talk Line for cooking advice is going to have male operators. The males will be the operators who tell you to just order take-out.

This month, the first all-digital library, stocked with over 10,000 e-books, opened in San Antonio, Texas. The library is called "A Kindle."

A 35-year-old man was sent to prison after he pretended to be Justin Bieber. Then today the man’s cellmate also started pretending that the man was Justin Bieber.

Getting so tired of strangers on the street hugging me and calling me Arsenio.

President Obama warned that the government could shut down in two weeks. Obama added, "Not because of a budget impasse but because we'll all be watching the last episode of 'Breaking Bad'."

The CEO of Starbucks is asking customers to stop bringing guns into the coffee chain's stores.  He said, "It’s our job to rob you guys."

Starbucks announced that they will no longer allow guns in their stores.  Meanwhile, Dunkin' Donuts said, "There’s nothing you can bring in here that’s more dangerous that what we serve."

The new "Grand Theft Auto" came out yesterday and this time it takes place in a city modeled after Los Angeles. Which means you’re still driving around running over gang members, but you’re doing it in a Prius.

Cher’s been saying some unkind things about Miley Cyrus lately. Today, Cher said she’s ashamed of herself for her harsh criticism of Miley Cyrus. In response, Miley said, "What’s shame?"

The new iPhone software released today allows users to give Siri a male voice. The only problem is, when you ask the male Siri for directions, he just says "I know where I’m going!"

Scientists at Oxford University have discovered a new mathematical object that may prove that space and time are just an illusion. That object is known as a bong.

Toys R Us says one of the hottest toys for Christmas is a weaving loom that lets kids manufacture hundreds of bracelets. When they heard this, kids in China said, "So… how is that a toy?"


In Texas, it turns out that a man who had been struggling with unexplained drunkenness has microbes in his stomach that produce alcohol. I don’t have a joke for this, I’m just letting everyone know that this excuse does exist.

Kelsey Grammar is taking over a part in the new "Expendables" movie that was supposed to go to Nicolas Cage.  It’s being called the most unbelievable performance by Nicolas Cage ever: him saying "No" to a part.


An ex-employee is suing the Insane Clown Posse, saying she had to perform "illegal acts." The woman says, “That was not the level of professionalism and sophistication I expected when I joined the 'Insane Clown Posse'."

In Sweden, a landmark case may have made it legal to masturbate in public. You do not want to know how people are celebrating the decision.

The new "Grand Theft Auto" has already made 800 million dollars? Starting tomorrow, I start murdering my guests.

Jay-Z and Beyonce have been named the highest-earning celebrity couple in the world. And, once again, coming in at #2: Me and Andy.

Russian President Vladimir Putin said that he may seek a fourth presidential term. Putin added, "But that’s up to the people to decide" – then he laughed for ten minutes.


In a recent interview a former mistress of Bill Clinton’s said that Hillary Clinton is bisexual. Today Bill Clinton said, "It’s true- when I want sex, Hillary says 'bye'."


JC Penney has removed Wi-Fi from their stores – they expect it to save them $7 million this year. JC Penney said they plan to save even more money next year when they go out of business.

In Florida, 35 pounds of cocaine washed up on the beach. In a related story, we now know just HOW Diana Nyad was able to swim so fast.

Kevin Trudeau, the "king of infomercials," has been sent to jail for fraud. The judge sentenced him to 10 years, and then said, "But wait, there’s more!", and added another five years.

On Tuesday a man lost out a million dollar prize on "Wheel of Fortune" because he mispronounced the answer. However, after the show, he did correctly pronounce the word "sh*t."

Thanks to "Breaking Bad," the ratings for AMC have skyrocketed.  And you know what else has skyrocketed? The number of high school kids now taking chemistry.

This Sunday is the very last "Breaking Bad." From now on, if you want to see psychotic murderers attack each other on a Sunday, you’ll have to watch the NFL.

Analysts say that Apple’s actual manufacturing cost for the iPhone is $199. That’s just parts – when you add in the labor, it’s $200.

At the United Nations General Assembly, people are wondering if President Obama will shake hands with the President of Iran. Some experts say Obama should politely decline, while others think he should do the old "smoothing out the hair" fake out. 


It’s been discovered that the iPhone 5s fingerprint sensor will also recognize nipples. So now you can use the line, "is it cold in here, or are you just trying to unlock your iPhone?"

Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's sober.


The NBA is considering introducing jerseys with players’ nicknames rather than their last names.  Players like the nickname jerseys because it’s easier for fans to relate to them and harder for women looking for child support to find them. 


An NFL star receiver was injured after a stripper hit him over the head with a champagne bottle. The good news is, if he’s on your fantasy football team, getting bashed in the head by a stripper is worth 25 points.


The former CEO of Trader Joe’s is opening a new store that will sell expired food. After hearing this, people at 7-Eleven said, "Hey-that’s our strategy!"

Today, Charlie Sheen showed up at an LA courthouse for jury duty. Out of habit, Sheen pled not guilty.

Miley Cyrus went skydiving for the first time. Actually, she just started twerking on a plane and the other passengers threw her off.

In a recent interview, Miley Cyrus said she wasn’t trying to be sexy at the VMAs.  On behalf of everyone, I’d like to say, "Mission accomplished."

A new report finds Los Angeles to be one of the most energy-wasting cities in the country. The main culprit? My applause sign.

In a new interview, Miley Cyrus says she will "probably never twerk again." Miley said, "There’s too many other things I want to try once and do badly."


In India, a doctor became the second person in the world to perform surgery while wearing Google Glass. And his patient became the first person to die because his doctor was wearing Google Glass.

In South Carolina, the winner of the $400 million dollar Powerball lottery has chosen to remain anonymous.  However, I’m guessing it’s that cashier at Cracker Barrel with the Learjet.


An Italian runner has been accused of using a fake penis to pass a urine test. Authorities grew suspicious when the runner whipped out her penis.

Bravo has fired two of "The Real Housewives of Orange County."  The two women were fired for being pleasant and courteous.

There's a new article in Cosmopolitan that explains Obamacare to women. The article is called, "10 Pre-existing Conditions to Drive Your Man Crazy."

An Oregon tech blogger said he was able to unlock his iPhone 5s using his genitals. So, finally, a tech blogger has found a use for his genitals.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates has recently said he regrets dropping out of school, and making users hit "control, alt, delete" to log in. Both admissions appear in his new book, "Bill Gates: A Life of Failures."


A Vatican cardinal has said Jesus was the original tweeter. I don’t know how popular he was— he only had 12 followers.

During Ted Cruz’s 21-hour anti-Obamacare speech on the Senate floor, he read a Dr. Seuss book. Cruz said it’s the book he likes to read to kids when they’re in the hospital wasting our tax payers’ resources. 

The US Postmaster General said the Postal Service has to raise postage rates due to terrible financial troubles. He conveyed this news in an email.

A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don’t produce so much of the greenhouse gas: methane.  The first step they recommend — eliminate "Taco Night."

There’s a new TV show in Britain that shows people having sex in front of a live studio audience. It started out as a regular talk show, but everyone just really hit it off.

The head of the company that makes Barilla Pasta has announced that he does not approve of homosexuality. In fact, he said he’s not even comfortable with the idea of a guy putting manicotti in his mouth.

A dog expert claims there has been a huge increase in dogs taking Prozac.  You know you’ve got a depressed dog when it wakes up and immediately starts drinking out of the toilet.

Hamilton College announced it’s holding an orgasm workshop for female students this Monday.  The workshop was open to male students, but they couldn’t hold on until Monday.

A Vatican Cardinal is claiming Jesus was the first Tweeter. Also, the Shroud of Turin was the first "selfie."

Our government may be shutting down in a few hours. So, folks, get ready for absolutely no noticeable difference.

Sunday night was the final episode of "Breaking Bad."  And tonight is probably the final episode of the 113th Congress. 


If there is a government shutdown, most of the White House staff will be sent home.  Which means there’ll only be nine guys whose job it is to keep Joe Biden away from the President.

The Olympic torch has embarked on a seven-day trip to Russia. Then today, Vladimir Putin had it arrested because it’s flaming.

A new study shows that Americans are waiting longer than ever at McDonald's drive-thrus. When reached for comment, McDonald’s drive-thru workers said something I couldn’t quite understand.


Chipotle has given Steven Tyler free tacos for a year. Today, the CEO of Chipotle clarified, "It’s not just Steven Tyler, it’s any woman over the age of 60."


A new study says that each prison inmate costs the city of New York the same as an Ivy League education. Of course, it’s a ridiculous comparison, because inmates leave prison with actual job skills.


A lost Three Stooges movie was discovered in a man’s garage. And good news for Three Stooges fans: this one wraps up all those loose ends.


Apparently, the internet rumors are false, Miley Cyrus is not pregnant.  Miley said, "I’ve been using a very effective birth control known as 'my performance at the VMAs.'"


A police department in Mexico is trying to recruit more cops who are tall, thin, and female. Which explains why I’m getting all these job offers from the Mexican police department.

Obamacare begins tomorrow, and you know what that means! Wait, actually, no, you probably don't know what that means.

Almost everyone who is employed at the FCC is not at work today. So who’s up for an all-nude episode of CONAN?

The federal government has shut down and 800,000 federal employees are out of work.  Which explains why, tonight, our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts.


Almost everyone working at the FCC is on furlough. Which explains why Brian Williams started the news tonight by saying, "Good evening sh** heads."

Due to the shutdown, the Statue of Liberty is closed.  So now the only giant woman with no real purpose that you can climb inside is Khloe Kardashian. 

The government shutdown will slash the budget for food inspection. That’s bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant, "Leap-Of-Faith Sushi."


This week, Justin Bieber was spotted in China on the shoulders of two of his bodyguards.  People in China kept asking, "Why isn’t that little girl at the factory?"

Due to the government shutdown, the beloved Panda Cam at the National Zoo has gone dark. Now, if you want to watch bears have sex, you’ll have to go to the Manhole Bar in West Hollywood.

KFC has just released a fried chicken take-out container that fits inside your car’s cup holder. So the good news, folks, America DOES still work!

It’s been reported that Google Glass has pioneered a whole new trend in technology called "wearable tech." Unfortunately, not succeeding in that market so far: The "Blackberry Unitard."

Scientists have discovered an ingredient found in plastic on one of the moons of Saturn. So not only could there be life on other planets, it might be Joan Rivers.

On last night’s "Dancing With the Stars," Snooki advanced, while Bill Nye the Science Guy was sent home.  The episode was called “highly entertaining” and “a perfect metaphor for the state of our country.” 


Halloween is just a month away, and I still haven’t picked out my excuse for not dressing up.

The online version of "Grand Theft Auto" launched yesterday. That's right; the fictional, crime-ridden government of Los Santos is now functioning better than America's real government.

According to a new poll, 69 percent of Americans say that House Republicans are acting like "children." They may have a point, because when asked about it, Republicans giggled and said, "Haha you said '69.'"


The shutdown could cost the American economy 300 million dollars a day. To put that in perspective—it’d be like if every day the economy released a new "Lone Ranger" movie.

Fox News has started calling the "government shutdown" a "government slimdown." Also according to Fox News: none of the government workers have been furloughed, they just went to go live on a farm.


Because of the government shutdown, President Obama has had to scale back his planned trip to Asia. As a result, Obama will just cross the street and eat lunch at a Panda Express.

Senator Ted Cruz announced he is donating his paychecks during the shutdown to charity. The charity is called, "Ted Cruz for President."

A KKK rally scheduled to be held in a national park was cancelled due to the shutdown. This was bad news for the KKK, but good news for the park’s black bears.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been named a candidate for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. His chances of winning are good because his strategy is to have the other nominees killed.

Wal-Mart has decided to pull Osama bin Laden costumes after receiving numerous complaints. Shoppers weren’t complaining because they found the Osama Bin Laden costumes offensive, they were mad because no one who shops at Wal-Mart is skinny enough to wear one.


Katy Perry has a new song about her divorce called, "By the Grace of God." It’s more tasteful than the original song about her divorce, "Say Good Bye To These!"

The New York City Opera has announced that it’s filing for bankruptcy. The announcement that it’s over was made in song by a fat lady.

The new "Grand Theft Auto" has already made more money than every book sold in the last year. Which explains why, today, J.K. Rowling announced a new book - "Harry Potter and the Drug Dealer Hanging onto a Car Hood."

Today is the Obamas’ wedding anniversary.  Unfortunately, the President forgot, so tonight he’ll be experiencing a different kind of "shutdown."


A new study found that, in America, cocaine, heroin and marijuana are cheaper now than they’ve been in decades. So in your face, China.


Wal-Mart has decided to pull down its Osama Bin Laden costumes from its Halloween shelves. Which is a shame, because this year I was planning to go as "Slutty Osama."

Two naval officers have been accused of bribery that involves vacations, drugs and Lady Gaga tickets.  In other words, gays in the military is working out just fine.

Chelsea Clinton says that she will dedicate 2014 to giving her parents a grandchild. In return, Bill Clinton said he will dedicate 2014 to giving Chelsea Clinton a half-sister.

The US is on pace to become the world’s largest producer of oil and gas. If history has taught us anything, this means the US will soon be invading the US.  


In Ohio, a drunk man with a 666 tattoo on his forehead was arrested for urinating inside a burrito shop.  Ladies, you can find him on Match.com.

The LA District Attorney has decided not to press charges against Justin Bieber for spitting on his neighbor because it was the neighbor’s word against Beiber’s.  The DA said, "Frankly— I don’t know who to belieb."


KFC has come out with a fried-chicken takeout container that fits in your car’s cup holder. KFC is now working on developing passenger-side gravy bags.


Just saw "Gravity" in 3-D. Can’t believe all that happened because someone downloaded iOS 7 on an iPhone 4.

The Gerald Ford Presidential Museum is closed due to the shutdown. Where’s my daughter supposed to celebrate her 10th birthday now?

Wife not buying that government shutdown includes all gyms.

Party going on too long? Go up to your guests and whisper, "I hope you’ll stay for my dream journal reading."

Congratulations L.M.F.A.O. for cleaning up at the Acronymies.

Microsoft has announced a major update to its cellphone software to reduce distractions for drivers. It’s part of their new slogan, "Microsoft: Leave the Crashing To Us."

Today is Columbus Day.  Finally, a chance for government workers to catch a break and stay home with their families.

Today is Columbus Day. So if you’re an Italian American, it’s a day to celebrate your heritage, and if you’re a Native American, it’s just another reason to hate Mondays.

The season premiere of "The Walking Dead" brought in a record-breaking 16 million viewers. In a related story, tonight, I’m going to eat Andy’s brain.


CNN.com featured an editorial that claims "Americans are too dumb." I was going to read it, but then I saw a link for "12 craziest cat twerking videos" and clicked that instead.

Facebook is opening up its first office in Israel. Facebook is preparing for its launch in the Jewish state by changing the "Like" button to the "Could Be Worse" button.

Pope Francis is reportedly selling his Harley Davidson.  You can tell it’s the Pope’s motorcycle because the back of it reads, "Gas, Grass or Mass."

An outspoken conservative is under fire for comparing Obamacare to slavery. Even worse, he said slavery was better because "at least it’s in the Constitution."

Charlie Hunnam, the lead actor cast in the "50 Shades of Grey" movie, has dropped out. I guess unlike the characters in the book, he didn’t want to be tied down for three months.

In Florida, a woman was arrested at a Home Depot for trying to hire a hitman. So basically it’s easier to find a hitman at Home Depot than someone who works there.

After 22 years of marriage, Kris and Bruce Jenner are separated.  Apparently, Kris pointed to Bruce’s face and said, “He’s not the man I married.”

According to a survey, 25% of men say they’ve watched porn online. The survey also revealed that 75% of men are liars.

A new study shows eating bacon can lower a man’s chances of getting a woman pregnant. Scientists are calling it alarming, men are calling it a "win-win."

Yesterday President Obama helped make sandwiches for the homeless at a soup kitchen.  And by homeless, I mean people who work for the Federal Government.

This morning the White House rejected a plan from House Republicans. Apparently, the Republicans offered to end the shutdown if the Democrats would just go back in time and lose the 2008 presidential election.

A Somali pirate leader has been captured in a sting operation where he was lured to Belgium with a promise of starring in a movie about his life.  In a related story, the leader of the Taliban has been offered a part on "Two Broke Girls."

Doctors revealed that before his heart surgery former President George W. Bush had a 95% blockage of his artery. After hearing this, Bush said, "Good God, that’s almost half."

Over the weekend at an Olympic exhibition game, the womens' hockey teams of the US and Canada got into a full-on, all-female brawl. Olympic referees ruled the incident, "unsportsmanlike," "unprofessional," and "super-hot."


Pope Francis is reportedly selling his Harley Davidson motorcycle. When asked why he was selling it, the Pope said, "Whenever I get it over 30 mph, it’s hard to keep the hat on." 

Las Vegas’s newest strip club features plus-size performers. Which explains the city’s new motto, "What happens in Vegas is exactly like what happens back home in Milwaukee."


This week at New York’s Comic-Con, Sylvester Stallone charged fans almost $500 for a photo with him. So far, he's made almost $500.00.

Researchers are in the process of creating an underwater wi-fi network. Finally, a way for people to tweet, "I'm drowning."

Looks like Congress has finally made a deal to reopen the Government. If you want to know how this affects you—tomorrow the Washington Zoo Panda Cam is coming back online! 

President Obama has said that the day after the budget deal is made he’s going to concentrate on immigration. He’ll start by deporting Ted Cruz.

If there had been a debt default, a top credit agency said it would have downgraded  America's "AAA" rating. Even worse, the Treasury Department has been flooded with offers to try the Discover Card.

Televangelist Pat Robertson shocked Republicans by telling them to accept defeat. Robertson said, "It’s time to get back to reality—blaming hurricanes on gay people."


Today John McCain said the shutdown was "one of the more shameful" things he’s seen as a Senator.  And that’s from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot.


In a new interview, the Dalai Lama endorsed medical marijuana. So now we know why the Dalai Lama sits around in a robe all day.

One of the top Halloween costumes for kids is "Gangnam Style" singer Psy. In other words, parents are telling their kids, "Just wear what you wore two years ago."


A new study claims Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. But the only difference is—when someone’s eating Oreos in a night club bathroom stall, it’s really sad.  


In an interview with Oprah, swimmer Diana Nyad said she doesn’t believe in God, and Oprah refused to believe her. Oprah said, "How can you not believe in God? I‘m right here."


Jamie Foxx has reportedly been cast in a movie about Martin Luther King Jr. Apparently, it was between him and Ben Affleck.

A German couple's marriage got off to a rocky start when the groom forgot his bride at a highway gas station. He eventually went back for her, but let’s just say he’ll be “self-pumping” for a while.

Scientists have found a way to cure marijuana addiction. Now all they have to do is find someone who wants to be cured of marijuana addiction.

In a speech today, President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation.  He said that because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.

John McCain said this government shutdown was worse than the one in ’95.  Then, McCain said, "1795."

After the shutdown debacle, the Tea Party’s approval rating is now only 30%. In other words, it’s the first time the Tea Party has ever been supported by a minority.

The House of Representative's stenographer had an epic meltdown, yelling about the Constitution, Freemasons, and Jesus Christ. So it sounds like the Republicans have their 2016 presidential candidate.

Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would "hug them and tell them I love them."  Of course, Christie said the same thing about the Keebler Elves. 

In Paraguay, a 99-year-old woman and 103-year-old man got married after being together for 80 years. When asked the secret to keeping their passion alive, they said having no recollection of who the other person is.

Lindsay Lohan got a new tattoo of a triangle. Either that, or she crashed into a freshly painted "Yield" sign. 

It’s being reported that 7-Eleven will begin selling a $50 wine. 7-Eleven says the wine pairs very nicely with their 1962 Hot Dog.

Disney revealed that one of its princesses is bisexual. Even more shocking, Disney revealed that one of its princes is straight.

PETA wants the Redskins to be named after a potato. Which is my family’s solution to everything.

Brazil is exhuming the bodies of two former presidents. Man, how bad is Brazil’s current president doing?

A new report says breast milk bought online is likely to have health risks. This moves breast milk up to #9 on the list of "Bodily Fluids You Might Not Want to Buy Online."

As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. Or, as New Jersey officials said, "Youse Two Guys Can Now Go Bada-Boom."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, "How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?"


Due to system failure, many people were unable to update their Facebook status. Incidentally, for the few hours that Facebook was down, we were actually competitive with China. 

President Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for healthcare by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-We-Didn’t-Think-This-Through.

Here in California over the weekend, a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble. Apparently, she did this in the "new releases" section.

Target is reporting that one of the hottest toys for Christmas is the "Elmo Big Hugs" doll. Not selling as well: "Elmo-End–Of–A-Blind-Date-Awkward-Half-Hug" doll.

Here in Los Angeles, a man has spent $100,000 on surgery to look like Justin Bieber.  Meanwhile, a lesbian spent $100,000 to stop looking like Justin Bieber.

A recent study has found that curing baldness may be possible through a procedure using human foreskins. When they heard, bald guys said, "You know what—we’re good."

Recently finished my 3,000th hour on TV. Only 7,000 more ‘til Malcolm Gladwell thinks I’m an expert.

A new study shows that the average fast food chicken nugget is almost 60% fat. It also shows that the average fast food customer is almost 60% chicken nugget.

While taping an episode of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" at the San Francisco Giants’ baseball park, Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian via the Jumbotron. The title of the episode is going to be, "Please Respect Our Privacy."


Kanye proposed to Kim Kardashian on the field where the San Francisco Giants play. In other words, it wasn’t the first error ever made there.


Colorado's Obamacare website is trying to sell Obamacare to college kids by calling it "brosurance." Unfortunately, the website wasn't working today because it's "bro-broken."

Some pundits are comparing President Obama pushing Obamacare to a late night pitchman on an infomercial.  When reached for comment, Obama said, "That’s not true—but don’t take my word for it, just ask some of these satisfied customers."

According to a recent poll, Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know—I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

Apple recently said that every idea for an Apple product begins with "delight, surprise, love, and connection." Apple said, "Then we add a $600 price tag on it and BOOM."

Here in California over the weekend, a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble. Out of habit, the parents briefly looked over the newborn baby, then went home and bought a cheaper baby on Amazon.

Simon Cowell has revealed that he and his pregnant girlfriend are expecting a boy. Today Cowell was seen out shopping for tiny boy’s t-shirts, and also some clothes for his son.

A new study says that, due to debt, 20somethings will retire 12 years later than their parents. When they heard this, 20somethings said, "Retire from what?"

Despite all the website problems, the approval rating for Obamacare has gone up. Unfortunately, I can't give you the exact number because it's listed on the Obamacare website.

Somebody in the White House used a fake Twitter account to send out hundreds of anti-Obama tweets. The account was immediately shut down, and Malia has been grounded.

Pope Francis has suspended a bishop for spending too much on home renovations. Apparently, the Pope caught the bishop filming an episode of "Flip this Church."

People are upset at Facebook because violent videos are now allowed, while breastfeeding videos are not. Which explains a disturbing new trend—violent breastfeeding videos.

Today the city of Detroit went before a judge to prove it is eligible for bankruptcy. All they did was walk into the Detroit courtroom and point out the window.

It’s been reported that there are now more subscribers to Netflix than HBO. Which is why today HBO changed its slogan to, "Okay Fine—We’ll Show More Boobs."

In order to better control prostitution, Switzerland has opened "sex drive-thrus." The sex drive-thrus are safer, but I wouldn’t recommend ordering off the dollar menu.

A loophole recently allowed a gay couple to get married in Oklahoma. Coincidentally "The Loophole," is the name of the gay bar where they met.

I thought I’d seen it all, California. Wow. Gluten-free urinal cakes?

In order to control prostitution, Switzerland has opened "sex drive-thrus." Officials say the most popular item ordered at sex drive-thrus is the "Briefly Happy Meal."

There’s been a lot of speculation but now it’s becoming clear that Joe Biden will run for president in 2016.  In an effort to appear presidential, today, Biden launched a website that doesn’t work. 

One of the contractors who built the Obamacare website testified before Congress today. You can tell he built the site because any time he was asked a question, he would freeze.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the US will have to regain her trust after the NSA eavesdropped on her cellphone. You know things are bad when we’re being accused of having "boundary issues" by Germany.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is angry at the US and today said, "Spying among friends cannot be." Then she introduced her chief speechwriter, Yoda.

Mississippi has started construction on a museum dedicated to its history with civil rights. So make sure and get your ticket to the "Museum of Not-Good."

In Indiana, a high school chemistry teacher is in trouble for taking his students to a strip club. The teacher said, "I wanted to show them the chemistry between me and Brandi."

In England, while the driver slept, thieves stole 6,000 cans of baked beans from his truck.  When asked about the thieves, police said, "We should be hearing from them shortly.”

I wonder if a shipment of cumberbunds is called a Cumberbatch.

We’ve been on the air 20 years. Which in legal terms, makes Andy and me "common law man and wife."

I still remember our first night: We had on Radiohead, John Goodman, and Drew Barrymore. Then on night two, we started phoning it in.

Back in 1993, there was barely even a World Wide Web. It was a rough time – you had to download your porn by fax.

When our show first went on the air in 1993, three of the five members of One Direction were being born. And guess what — I am the father of two of them.

When our show first aired, Miley Cyrus was a 1-year-old. And guess what? She spends more time naked now than she did back then.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's message to New Jersey residents about Hurricane Sandy was "Don't be stupid –  get out." Which, by the way, is also Snooki's method of birth control.

Both presidential candidates taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy.  President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts, and Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger homes.

Lindsay Lohan sent out a tweet urging people not to panic over Hurricane Sandy.  Lindsay said, "The correct time to panic is if anyone sees me in a rental car."

President Obama now has a 52 point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90 point lead with the people who hire Hispanics.

A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney's campaign logo on his face. Friends describe the man as a staunch republican who's never heard of bumper stickers.

It's been reported that presidential campaigns are now trying to reach voters based on their Web history. So, this January get ready for the inauguration of "President Porn."

Last week, Katy Perry spoke at a pro-Obama rally in a skin tight dress.  People who were there said Perry had two good points. 

A study has found that the air in Rome contains traces of cocaine. So maybe Rome was built in a day.

Last night, a drunk neighbor was arrested for trying to sneak into Tom Cruise's house. Apparently, the neighbor got stuck when he tried to crawl through the "Tom Cruise Door."

China is angry at Apple because Chinese citizens are using Siri to find prostitutes. Although the Chinese citizens claim it's a misunderstanding – they say they're just trying to find their friend "Ho."

We’re celebrating 20 years of being on late night TV. Or as my kids call it, YouTube.

This week we celebrate 20 years of jokes – and 20 years of Andy fake-laughing.

Back in 1993, my late night show was only one of four on the air. Now it’s one of four airing at 11:00 on TBS.

We’re posting many of our rare or never-before-seen clips from the show’s past 20 years online. But if you really want to laugh — go to www.healthcare.gov.

It’s been 20 years on the air. And everyone in my family is very emotional. My Dad called me this morning and he told me something he’s never said before, "Son — we don’t have cable."

I don’t like to be wasteful so I’m turning all my leftover Halloween candy corn into a chowder.

This weekend was the first YouTube Music Awards show and Eminem won Artist of the Year. Second runner up was a cat walking across a piano.

Yesterday was Daylight Savings Time so everybody gained an hour — and now you’re about to waste one.

Today at the White House, President Obama welcomed the 2013 Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks. The President was excited to meet the hockey players and tell them Obamacare includes dental.

The Obamacare website will not be accessible at night due to maintenance. And it will also not accessible during the day due to "it sucking."

During the 2012 campaign, Bill Clinton frequently told people that President Obama was "luckier than a dog with two dicks." I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for this guy to be First Lady.


In Brazil this weekend, Justin Bieber spent three hours at a brothel with prostitutes. Or as he calls them, "paid Beliebers."

On Sunday the New York City Marathon was won in both the men’s and women’s division by Kenyans. However, coming a close second, some other Kenyans.

Research has confirmed that fetuses can get erections. So ladies, maybe that’s not a kick you’re feeling.

British scientists are now saying King Tut died in a chariot accident. Apparently, he was texting.

This weekend Oprah Winfrey held a yard sale, selling 30 years’ worth of personal items.  Long story short, I now own a bathrobe with the name "Stedman" on it.  And for 35 dollars, I bought Dr. Phil.

There’s a new musical in the works about the life of Jesus, but set to the songs of Britney Spears. The grand finale is Jesus coming back to life to the tune of "Oops, I Did it Again."

Now that that the FAA is letting us be on our phones during take-off, I don’t want to use my phone during take-off.

North Korea has now unveiled its own iPad. Actually, it’s just a framed picture of Kim Jong Un, but everyone is pretending they love it.

New Jersey reelected Governor Chris Christie. Or as Christie put it, "I’ve come back for seconds."

The Mayor of Toronto has admitted he smoked crack while in a drunken stupor. The mayor was charged with "Being way too exciting for Canada."

Hollywood producers are being asked to work the Affordable Care Act into the plots of TV and movies. Which is why AMC has renamed its zombie drama "The Walking Dead But Not Due to Preexisting Conditions."

Tea Party Senator Rand Paul has been accused of plagiarizing in three separate instances.  When asked about the plagiarism charges, Paul said, "Four score and seven years ago…"

Some health experts believe being an NFL coach might be the most stressful job in America. The second most stressful job: being an NFL parole officer.

Miley Cyrus wrote a letter to former fiancé Liam Hemsworth, saying she is sorry for her wild ways. Miley delivered the letter while drunk, naked and riding a gazelle.

The members of Duck Dynasty are releasing their own brand of wines. Wine experts are reminding people, it’s RED wine with varmint, WHITE with critters.

New  research has confirmed that while in the womb, fetuses can get erections. The finding was called "amazing" by scientists and “horrifying” by twins.

A new report says higher testosterone levels may increase the risk of heart attacks and strokes in men. The report was entitled, "You’re In The Clear, Conan O’Brien."

The new mayor of New York City is a progressive democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as the Fox News reported it, "The apocalypse is upon us."

The new mayor of New York City is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. That explains his campaign slogan, "If I can turn her around, imagine what I could do for New York City."


The Mayor of Toronto said he smoked crack but it will never happen again. In other words, he’s discovered meth.

Matt Lauer will have a prostate exam live on the "Today" show.  It’s all part of their new segment "Where in the World Is Matt Lauer’s Dignity?"

Justin Bieber was caught spray-painting graffiti on buildings in Brazil. They could tell it was Bieber because the graffiti was only three feet high.

Is it wrong to drive out to a farm three weeks early just to taunt your Thanksgiving turkey?

Scientists recently determined that if the entire world’s ice melted, Florida would be under water. Of course, there could also be some negative consequences.

Today, Matt Lauer and Al Roker had prostate exams live on the "Today" show. So the "Today" show has finally cracked the code on what people want to see first thing in the morning.

To increase ratings, the hosts of the "Today" show had prostate exams on the air. Also to increase ratings, the hosts of "Good Morning America" did not.

In Colorado yesterday, voters approved a tax on marijuana to fund the building of schools. In other words — kids, don’t do drugs, but stay in the schools funded by them.

Lamborghini is now 50-years-old. You can tell Lamborghini is 50 because it bought itself a Porsche.

Miley Cyrus got a new tattoo of her grandmother. If there’s one thing guys love, it's getting you naked and seeing a picture of your grandmother.

Enjoy the Twitter IPO, nerds. I'll be at the Myspace yardsale.

I was surprised to find out most of the new THOR movie takes place in a Vermont bed and breakfast.

Blockbuster announced they’re closing all their stores. Now where am I supposed to go when I want to be alone?

A Spanish tennis player has been suspended after testing positive for meth. Tennis officials grew suspicious when he started returning his own serves.

It’s Veteran’s Day and today, Hooters offered free meals for veterans.  So they’re honoring those who landed on D-Day with Double D-day.

A 107-year-old veteran met with President Obama this morning. It was good to see President Obama getting along so well with John McCain.

In a new interview, Sarah Palin refused to endorse Chris Christie.  Afterwards, Christie told Palin, "Thanks — I owe you one."

This week’s climate change talks are taking place in Poland and they’re going to focus on China, the world’s biggest polluter. However, that discussion may get awkward on Wednesday, when China buys Poland.

During the European MTV Music Awards, Miley Cyrus went on stage and twerked with a dwarf. It’s a pretty sad day when you have to ask a dwarf how HE could stoop so low.

In Russia, in protest of an annual event called "Police Day," a man nailed his testicles to the cobblestone pavement. This morning, he was thinking, "Maybe I should have just made a sign."

Over the weekend the Kardashians held a yard sale for charity. I went and got a great deal on Bruce Jenner’s first AND seventh face.

There's a new game you can purchase for the iPad that allows its users to stroke the screen until it climaxes. Of course, there’s a free version that just pretends to climax and then turns itself off.

Japan has created a robot that can manually bring a man to sexual climax. When asked when they invented the robot, a scientist emerged from seclusion and said, "12 years ago."

Wal-Mart announced that this Thanksgiving they’re opening earlier than they ever have. Because what better way to celebrate the pilgrims arrival in America than buying crap made in China?

Scam artists are trying to take advantage of the problems with the Obamacare website. Experts say you can tell it’s a scam site if you enter your information, and it quickly and efficiently signs you up for health care.


Former President Bill Clinton is calling on President Obama to honor his promise to Americans to let them keep their current health policy. Clinton then added, "Unless, of course, a younger hotter, insurance policy comes along."

The US intelligence community is hoping to upgrade their facial recognition technology. It’s the Government’s way of trying to keep up with Bruce Jenner. 

The Tesla car company is upset after George Clooney publicly badmouthed his Tesla. In fairness, Clooney said it’s hard for him to stay excited about anything he rides for more than six weeks.

According to a recent study, Southern accents were voted the sexiest of all American accents. Boston accents came in 87th right after "a deer being gutted."

A British scientist claims he’s created a substitute for alcohol that provides a buzz and no hangover. This amazing new substance is called, "pot."

A new study found that women are more likely to orgasm if they are in a long term relationship. This is why I keep telling my wife, "Be patient."

Since General Petraeus had an affair with his biographer, people are snapping up copies of the book.  The book is available in hard cover and extremely hard cover.

It's reported that the wife of former CIA director David Petraeus is "beyond furious" about his affair. Mrs. Petraeus said, "I guess he wasn't talking about Iraq when he told me he was busy pulling out of a foreign territory."

David Patraeus was reportedly not well-liked at the CIA. Tip fellas— don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you.

Yesterday, Paul Ryan said President Obama was re-elected because of the high turnout of "urban voters." Then when he was asked how he liked his coffee, Ryan said, "No milk, no sugar, just urban."

Arizona has elected the nation's first openly bi-sexual Congresswoman. Yeah – Apparently she did very well with swing voters.

In Africa, some teenagers created a generator that converts urine into electricity. If you think that's insane, you should see their bong.

At a gas station in Texas, a woman purchased what she thought was a $200 iPad that turned out to just be a mirror. Let that be a lesson: make sure you buy your iPad from a reputable gas station.

Victoria's Secret's in trouble with Native Americans after one of their models appeared on the runway in panties & a war bonnet.  Victoria's Secret apologized & said, "We didn't think anyone would look at her head."

In Florida, a man was arrested for masturbating in a DMV.  But he does look really happy in his license photo.

Rob Ford, the mayor of Toronto who was recently caught smoking crack, has been uninvited to the city’s Christmas parade.  Ford said, "Too bad, I was going to bring the best snow." 

The smiling woman who was featured on the homepage of Healthcare.gov asked that her picture be removed after she was cyberbullied. She is now hiding where nobody can see her: Healthcare.gov.

According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the internet.  After hearing this, Miley Cyrus said, "Bitch, it is on."


Due to a dispute with the Kraft Corporation, Starbucks has been ordered to pay 2.7 billion dollars.  To put that in Starbucks terms — that’s 3 lattes.

The other day, Zac Efron fell at his home and broke his jaw.  So I guess Zac Efron isn’t as tough as everyone thinks. 

The Canadian government has ruled that its doctors are no longer allowed to prescribe heroin.  I think the real story here is that, until recently in Canada, a doctor could give you heroin. 

Bill Clinton said in terms of Americans keeping their health policy, President Obama should "keep his vow." Then he laughed for nine hours.

In a new interview, Miley Cyrus said she is one of "the biggest feminists in the world." She said, "No one has done more than me to encourage women to lick the glass ceiling."


Today President Obama admitted that the healthcare roll-out was a fiasco, blamed himself, and said "I’m not a perfect President."  Which explains why today, Fox News named him their "Employee of the Month."


It just came out that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford spent St. Patrick's Day snorting cocaine with a prostitute.  As an Irish person, I'm offended – St. Patrick's Day is for drinking beer with a prostitute.

The Ford Motor Company is angry at Toronto Mayor Rob Ford for using their logo.  Apparently, it’s lead to confusion because both Fords are known for their moderately priced escorts.

One of the President’s Secret Service agents was demoted for sending a sexually suggestive email to a female agent. Apparently he ended the email by saying, "I’d like to secretly serve in your oval office."


According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked-about person on the internet. Not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.

The government is working hard on technologies to prevent cars from operating when their owners are drunk. Here’s how it works — the car automatically turns itself off if you go through a White Castle drive-through at 2am.

For the first time ever, a dog climbed Mt. Everest. In a related story, the dog’s walker wants a raise.

A library has found a copy of "50 Shades of Grey" containing traces of herpes. So we know what one person was using as a bookmark.

Tina Turner will formally relinquish her U.S. citizenship. When asked if she no longer wants to be a U.S. citizen because of the government, Turner replied, "What’s gov got to do with it?"

The "50 Shades of Grey" movie will be postponed until 2015. For "50 Shades" fans, that's agony - sweet, sweet agony.

I'm gonna go jump in that big pile of leaves. Wait, that's Larry King sitting on his lawn.

A Michigan man moved into a house next door to his ex-wife and erected a 12-foot-tall statue of the middle finger. When asked about it, his ex-wife said, "I’m glad he could finally get something up."

Embattled crack-smoking Toronto mayor Rob Ford said he’s working out in the gym two hours every day. He said, "It’s the second best way I know to lose weight."


Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said he’s been getting professional help. So I guess he’s still hooking up with prostitutes.

It's being reported that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford threatened to perform cunnilingus on female employees. Which is strange since Canada offers all citizens government-subsidized cunnilingus.

It's the 150th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address,  but scholars don’t have one definitive version. However, everyone’s in agreement that the speech ended with the line, "Follow THAT, bitches."

A new biography about Pope Francis says the new pontiff is a good cook. So the next time you see smoke coming out of the Vatican, it’s probably just taco night.

A British company has created a line of underwear designed to make women’s buttocks appear larger.  Just a tip, don’t ask your girlfriend if she’s wearing them.

In Canada, police seized 55 marijuana plants from a nursing home. In their defense, residents say it was the only way they could get their grandkids to visit.

In an interview, Mayor Rob Ford says he doesn’t have a drug problem, he has a weight problem. And by that, he means he can’t wait to do drugs.

Kanye West released a new video that features his fiancée Kim Kardashian nearly nude and on a motorcycle. The video is for his new song, "Please Respect Our Privacy."

The Oxford Dictionary has named "selfie" the word of the year, narrowly beating out "twerk." In a related story, the funeral for the English language is this Saturday.


According to a new poll, if the election were held today, Mitt Romney would beat Barack Obama. A spokesman for Mitt Romney said, "No, he’d find a way to blow it."

It's the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address and it’s also Larry King’s Birthday.  That’s right—two great events that happened 150 years ago. 


President Obama is being criticized for not attending today’s ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness though, Lincoln didn’t attend Obama’s "Sorry about this crappy website" speech.

The Toronto City Council voted to strip Mayor Rob Ford of most of his duties, making him just a figurehead. Now maybe it’s just me — but isn’t the last thing we want to do is give this guy more free time? 

President Obama urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website, and offered alternative ways to enroll such as using the mail.  Then the President got back on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.

Two of Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughters are fighting publicly over the issue of same sex marriage. Dick Cheney says it pains him that his daughters are feuding. He said, "It’s the first time I’ve ever felt conflicted about a war."

Doctors say that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are sending children to the emergency room. So here’s my question: What AM I supposed to feed my kids for breakfast?

This Rob Ford guy is proof that you can get pretty far just on looks and charm.

For environmental reasons, The Bill Gates Foundation has proposed making condoms out of beef. Which means soon we’ll have condoms that are "Baby Back Ribbed for her Pleasure."

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s reality show has been cancelled after one episode.  See, that’s the difference between the US and Canada — in America, when someone goes off the rails, we renew their reality show. 

Members of the Tea Party gathered outside the White House to demand President Obama’s impeachment. The President said he appreciates their views and announced he’s setting up a new website where they can voice their opinions.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is now saying that he smoked crack "maybe once." The problem is that one time lasted six years.

President Obama honored Bill Clinton with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Clinton thanked Obama and asked, "How much freedom are we talking here?"

During a TV special magician David Blaine performed magic for Kanye West. Blaine performed an amazing trick where he got Kanye to not talk about Kanye for eight seconds.

A new study shows 88% of people disapprove of texting while walking. The other 12% have been killed.

This week People Magazine announced their "Sexiest Man Alive" and President Obama awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. In other words, this week I was robbed twice.

The Vatican is trying to reign in its finances. It’s so bad, next week Pope Francis is going to see what he can get for the Holy Grail on "Antiques Roadshow."

In Colorado, some people are giving their pets medical marijuana to deal with pain. Which is great, because cats really need another reason to sit on the couch all day.

Qatar will be hosting the World Cup, and people are saying that, from overhead, their brand new soccer stadium looks like a vagina.  Either that or the guys in the Space Station are just very lonely.

A new study has found that women would rather watch TV than have sex. Sort of good news/bad news thing for me.

R2D2 has been confirmed for the next "Star Wars" film. After all these years, R1D1 still can't catch a break.

I wasn’t going to try Prilosec, but then I saw an online ad of theirs featuring Larry the Cable Guy.

Today is a day for drinking beer, watching football, and pretending I don't want to kiss all the players.

Fun fact: the first Thanksgiving had lobster, venison and small pox.

I consider myself a moral person. That's why I only eat turkeys that have exhausted the appeals process.

Fortunately, "gobble gobble" is turkey for "I'm ready, Jesus."

You COULD let your guests pile their coats on the bed, but you're just inviting DNA confusion if the night ends in murder.

A new study this week found that women prefer bigger penises. Well I say, "too bad."


One of the biggest movies this weekend was the Disney movie "Frozen." If you haven’t seen it, "Frozen" is an animated film about the Obamacare website.


In Nevada, where prostitution is legal, prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pickup line for johns in Nevada is, "Let me help you with your co-pay."

In Philadelphia, a Black Friday brawl ended with one woman stun-gunning another. Even worse for the loser of the fight, it was the last half-price stun gun.

Activists say the new battle in gay rights is the right for gay people to divorce. I think I speak for every married straight person when I say, "For God’s sake — we tried to warn you." 

This week, fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions, and the drive-thru workers — well, no one can understand what the hell they want.

In California, a 90-year-old grandmother celebrated her birthday by going skydiving. Not intentionally, she just kind of wandered off the plane.

Amazon drone, wow. Just when I was getting used to the Barnes & Noble surface-to-air book launcher.

There’s now an app that figures out the best gift for someone based on their Facebook likes. So I guess this Christmas, I’m going to be unwrapping my friend’s wife.

Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview, he announced that on Tuesday nights, ladies get into heaven for free.

Andy Warhol’s cousin has been hired to paint a portrait of Kim Kardashian. That’s because, like Andy Warhol, his cousin is also good at painting large cans.

It was reported today that the producers of "50 Shades of Grey" will release two versions of the movie.  That’s right — an X-rated version and a version no one will see. 

According to new report, America’s teenagers are #30 in the world in math. Luckily, American’s teenagers will never understand the report, because they’re 85th in reading. And #1 in Candy Crush.

The White House confirmed that President Obama will be signing up for Obamacare. Which is good because his current health plan doesn’t cover headaches and depressions caused by Obamacare.

The head of CNN has vowed to add more reality shows to the channel. So be sure and tune in to the new Wolf Blitzer family show, "Raised by Wolf."

According to a new study, people in Ohio curse more than people in any other state. That’s because they’re always saying things like, "Shit, we live in Cleveland."

David Beckham said he was hazed his first year as a pro player. For 10 grueling minutes, he was forced to pose for photos with a shirt on.

There is a new trend of baby names inspired by the show "Breaking Bad."  The most popular female name is "Skyler" and the most popular boy name is "Yo, Bitch." 

Experts say the success or failure of Obamacare will depend on whether young people sign up. Which is why, as of today, Obamacare covers medical marijuana.

It's just come out that, for two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was "00000000." Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice.

I don't want to say healthcare.gov is still flawed, but my health insurance is now being paid for by a prince in Nigeria.

Google is planning to build an army of robots that will replace factory workers. When asked for comment, Apple said, "How can they sleep at night, putting that many children out of work?"

According to new rankings, America’s teenagers are #30 in the world in math. But don’t worry, we’re still #1 in meth.


Vice President Joe Biden arrived in South Korea to talk to the people there. It’s the first ever time people from South Korea have tried to sneak into North Korea.

Phil Collins is making music again. It took him this long to decide which super close-up photo of his face to put on the album cover.

MTV has canceled "Teen Mom." So at least MTV knows when to pull out.

There’s a cold snap, and even in Hollywood, temperatures are in the 50s. Of course, since it’s Hollywood, the weather is telling everyone it’s only in its mid-30s. 


Technology companies like Google, Twitter and AOL are asking the government to limit its surveillance. Actually, Google and Twitter are mad, AOL’s just happy that somebody is looking at them. 

A new report shows the NSA posed as gamers in "World of Warcraft" to monitor terrorists. Apparently, the "World of Warcraft" community is heaven for terrorists because it’s full of virgins.

North Korea has confirmed that Kim Jong-un has fired his uncle. Unemployment benefits in North Korea include two weeks’ severance and not being shot.

There’s a new toilet that can check on your health, and even tell you if you're pregnant. And there's also a deluxe version that can get you pregnant.

Paris Hilton’s brother claims that Lindsay Lohan had someone beat him up.  Lohan said, "That’s ridiculous, if I wanted to hurt someone I’d use my car."

The latest rumor is that one of the Olsen twins is getting married.  When asked which one, her fiancé said, "Who cares?"

I’m almost done with my Christmas shopping. Thanks, Burger King!

Justin Bieber’s mom recently tweeted that she would like to have another child. Unless her demands are met.

Denver made it legal for people to smoke marijuana on their porches. By the way, that sound you hear is everyone in Denver quickly building a porch.

It’s been reported that the NSA is recruiting potential spies as young as 15 years old. So far, the only thing the teenage spies have been able to tell the NSA is that the new girl Stephanie is a real bitch.

Some are saying, while at Nelson Mandela’s memorial, President Obama flirted with the female prime minister of Denmark right in front of Michelle Obama. Man, if President Obama felt like the flight TO South Africa was long…

President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it, "Foreign Communist shakes hands with the Leader of Cuba."

President Obama’s approval rating among 20-somethings has been plummeting. Which is why Obama is now focusing his energy on easing student debt, creating jobs, and touring with Macklemore.

Due to inflation, a cup of coffee in Russia costs the equivalent of 8 dollars and 30 cents. In other words, they have Starbucks in Russia.

Wonderbra recently unveiled a new product that eliminates nip slips and sideboob. The amazing device of the future is called "a coat."

At a concert the other night, Miley Cyrus twerked on Santa. So don’t expect Santa Claus to be satisfied with milk and cookies anymore. 

It’s just come out that for two decades, the secret launch code for America’s nuclear missiles was "00000000." This was revealed by a U.S. spy going under the code name "U.S. Spy."

A Federal judge has ruled that President Obama’s Kenyan uncle may remain in the United States. The judge also ruled that "President Obama’s Kenyan Uncle" is an amazing name for a band.

Canada has made a territorial claim to the entire North Pole. Unfortunately, while marching out to stake this claim, Canada’s army was defeated by two elks and a salmon.

The FDA has just approved a drug to help cure a condition known as "curved penis."  I didn’t hear the rest of the announcement because I was too busy high-fiving everybody around me.

The Supreme Court in India has ruled that gay sex is illegal. Which explains the new gay pickup line in India, "Let’s leave India."

Time Magazine named Pope Francis the Person of the Year. And People Magazine named him Sexiest Pope Alive.

Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus was white. Then she said Santa’s elves are Mexican and they’re stealing jobs from American elves.

The sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial who faked his translations now says he hallucinates, sees angels, and is sometimes violent. In a related story, next week he starts as Gary Busey’s life coach.

In a speech, Russian President Vladimir Putin slammed the US for being "genderless and infertile." My question: How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my Match.com profile?

In Ireland, the government is asking unemployed people to leave the country. But before they go, they should settle up with the bartender.

Bob Barker made an appearance on "The Price is Right" to celebrate his 90th birthday. Although, Bob is claiming he’s only 89.99. 

Congratulations to Kate Winslet who had a baby this week. Out of habit, when her water broke, she jumped into a life boat.

In a new interview, Oprah Winfrey says she has no regrets about not having children. Oprah said, "I feel bad enough about bringing Dr. Phil into the world."

A man in California recently rented the movie "Smurfs 2" but wound up with hardcore porn. The sad part is, somewhere else in California, a grown man had to masturbate to "Smurfs 2."  

A football player from Troy University in Alabama has been arrested for murder. So it sounds like he’s ready for the NFL!

While Pope Francis was visiting a children’s center, a young boy snatched the Pope’s hat off. And, according to a little known Vatican Law, that boy is now the new Pope.

New research reveals that being attractive in high school leads to success later in life.  So finally – some good news for hot, popular teenagers. 

FOX News host Megyn Kelly said she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus was white. However she’s standing by her statement that the Grinch Who Stole Christmas is definitely Jewish.

The digital team behind both of President Obama’s campaigns is already preparing for a Hillary Clinton run. They’re starting early because they’ve got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton’s browser history.

NORAD said they will be tracking Santa Claus this Christmas.  Then the NSA said, "No need, we got him."

Miley Cyrus recently tweeted a topless photo of herself, claiming it was to promote equality. Then, Charlie Sheen claimed his dick pics are a comment on stem cell research.

A new study in animal behavior shows that dogs excel at figuring out what their human owners want and then giving it to them. So, if your dog keeps trying to hump your leg… that’s on you.

An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop’s camera. The new high tech device is called a small piece of tape.

A new study claims that red-headed women are sexually desirable but red-headed men are not.  I wouldn’t have minded, but the study mentioned me by name. 

Scientists are testing out a new drone that would replace lifeguards. Here’s how it works — if you’re drowning, the drone would fly out and then drop a bomb on you.


Toys "R" Us announced they will stay open for 87 hours straight leading up to Christmas day. To get ready, this morning Toys "R" Us started hiring only meth addicts.

New research reveals that being attractive in high school leads to success later in life. The study also found that being nerdy looking in high school leads to a talk show later in life.

Experts say they have had luck getting pandas to breed by using "panda porn" videos. And when they’re done, they sell them to adult movie stores as “Hot Black-on-White Action.”


In China, doctors saved a man’s severed hand by attaching it to his ankle. The patient was so excited he gave his doctor a low five.

The Kardashian family has put up a giant Christmas tree in the entryway of their home. You can tell the tree is plastic because Bruce Jenner asked the tree, "Who’s your surgeon?"

A&E suspended the star of "Duck Dynasty" Phil Robertson after he made anti-gay comments. The head of A&E said, "I am shocked that an old bearded duck hunter who lives with his kinfolk in the Louisiana bayou did not have progressive views on gay people."


Over 40,000 workers for Amazon.com have walked off the job. They’ve been chanting, "What do we want? Higher wages. When do we want it? In 2-5 business days!"


Kim Jong Un recently had one of his uncles executed. Then again, during the holidays, who hasn’t wanted to kill their uncle?  


The star of "Duck Dynasty" spoke out against homosexuality. He said, the only beard a man should have is one that houses lice and squirrels.

Whole Foods will stop selling Chobani greek yogurt due to concerns about genetic modifications. To read more about it, check out this week's issue of "White People Magazine."

Former Olympic Figure Skating gold medalist Brian Boitano announced he is gay. He did it by saying, "Hi, I'm Olympic figure skater Brian Boitano."

According to the Mayans, the world is going to end tomorrow. Of course, for me, it ended with the series finale of "Gossip Girl."

I consider 2013 a pretty good year for me because I didn’t appear in any pistachio commercials.

Friends are asking about my New Year’s plans, but drinking off-brand gin & browsing LaneBryant.com  isn’t really something you plan.

New Year’s Eve is just a made up holiday created by the taxi industry to get more vomit in cars.

One sign the economy’s picking up: It’s reportedly just recently gotten "less hard out there for a pimp."

I’ve already broken my New Year’s Resolution to not camp out on Jennifer Lawrence’s driveway.

FUN FACT: Each new member of One Direction is grown humanely at Direction Labs facilities, using only the finest polymer-based additives.

Anyone else lie awake at night wondering how to steal Jason Bateman's likability?

This week, Dennis Rodman and six former pro basketball players will travel to North Korea to play the top North Korean basketball team. My advice to Dennis Rodman: lose. 

Charlie Sheen announced he got married to his porn star girlfriend.  Call me sentimental, but I think this porn star marriage has a chance.

At the Consumer Electronics Show, everyone is talking about the Samsung TV with the 110-inch screen.  Finally, a way to make my head look even bigger.

The San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers played in minus 2 degree weather. It was the only game in NFL history where players tackled each other just for warmth.

The Supreme Court has halted gay marriages in Utah. The Supreme Court said, "In Utah, marriage is still a sacred bond between a man and his six wives."

In Iowa, a man said he’s lost 40 pounds eating only McDonald's for three months. Not to be outdone, a man in Illinois lost 60 pounds after eating White Castle just once.

Critics are pointing out the movie "Wolf of Wall Street" uses the f-word 506 times. Which is still 6 less times than it’s used in "The Hobbit."

Writing a cookbook for sharks was a waste of my time.

It’s so cold, Miley Cyrus licked a hammer & her tongue got stuck to it.

During a satellite interview from North Korea, Dennis Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, "Oh my god, this guy is a lunatic."


Netflix CEO Reed Hastings had such a successful year, the company is giving him a 50% pay raise. When he heard, Hastings got so excited he began live-streaming in his pants.

A man who has two functioning penises recently went on Reddit to do a Q&A. The man cut the Q&A short saying, "Got to go, I’ve got two functioning penises."


Critics are saying the new movie "Wolf of Wall Street" used the f-word 506 times.  Then again, so did everyone booked this week on Jet Blue.

Dennis Rodman has brought a delegation of ex-NBA stars to North Korea. Not to promote diplomacy, to avoid child-support payments.

In Las Vegas, "Transformers" director Michael Bay stormed off stage after a teleprompter wasn’t showing his speech. Bay said he hasn’t walked out on anything since he saw the last "Transformers" movie.

The niece of fashion designer Ralph Lauren forced her airline flight to land in Ireland due to a drunken "air rage" incident. Upon landing, authorities immediately detained her and made her Prime Minister of Ireland.


In Seattle, a woman ate nothing but Starbucks for a year. Not intentionally, it just took her that long to get to the front of the line.


The "Duck Dynasty" cast has added a new puppy to the show. Unfortunately, Phil Robertson fired the puppy after he saw it sniffing another dog’s butt.

Nothing attracts paparazzi like filling your grocery cart with Oat Bran and Charmin.

A member of Congress said that unemployment benefits basically pay people to "not work." He said the only people who should be paid for not working are members of Congress.

Chris Christie is being accused of getting back at a political rival by blocking access to the George Washington Bridge.  Christie said, "I never blocked access to the GWB, I blocked access to a KFC."

Apple suggests that iPhone users turn off their phones if they’re in temperatures below 32 degrees.  Apple also said, if it’s below 32 degrees, you may not want to send a dick pic.

The electronics company LG has designed a dishwasher that can send text messages to you. It should be popular because the only text the dishwasher sends is, "I’m so wet."

The Polar Vortex that put the entire country into a deep freeze is now heading up north to Canada.  Finally some payback for giving us Justin Bieber.

For the past week now, Colorado has been allowing the sale of legal recreational marijuana. In a related story, in one week the population of Colorado has jumped to 315 million people.

The National Society of Film Critics has named the Coen brothers’ new movie "Inside Llewyn Davis" the best film of the year. They’ve also named it the "Film With The Best Soon-To-Be-Porn-Title."

Everyone is fine, but Honey Boo Boo’s family was involved in a minor traffic accident. Apparently, their home rear-ended their neighbor’s home.

McDonald’s restaurants in Japan have started selling cheese fries that you can’t get here in the U.S. Which makes me wonder…who REALLY won World War II?

This week is Nicolas Cage’s 50th birthday. Cage’s friends handed him a birthday card, and without reading it, Cage immediately said, "OK, I’ll be in the movie."


The government is accusing the makers of several weight loss products of deceiving the public. Probably the most deceptive of these companies: Cinnabon.

If Chris Christie had blocked people from entering New Jersey he’d be a hero.

Kim Jong Un & Nicolas Cage have birthdays this week. So happy birthday to a madman unleashing terrible things on the world, and Kim Jong Un.

Fox News is starting a channel for children. It’s going to call President Obama a "Socialist Kenyan Muslim With Cooties."

Don’t hate the playa, unless he’s playing lacrosse.

Dreamt that I bought some new boots and a sturdy umbrella for the Morton Salt girl.

Justin Bieber could be facing felony charges after egging his neighbor’s home. In his defense, his neighbor was blasting Justin Bieber music.

Leonardo DiCaprio left his girlfriend at home so that he could take his mother to the Golden Globes. Then, at the Golden Globes, he dumped his mother for a younger, hotter mom. 


A couple decided to let the internet vote on the name of their future daughter. So this spring – look for the birth of the beautiful little girl named "Cat Fail Bieber."

People investigating the Chris Christie bridge scandal say the governor could be removed from office. Critics say that removing Christie from office would require a federal indictment, full support of both houses and a three ton construction crane.

Some New Jersey democrats have started an investigation to get Chris Christie out of the governor's mansion.  And by "governor’s mansion" they mean the White Castle at exit 8. 

At The Golden Globes, the E! network described Michael J Fox’s Parkinson’s disease as a "fun fact." Here’s another fun fact – someone at E! got fired this morning. 

"12 Years a Slave" won the Golden Globe for Best Drama. It’s gotten so much buzz, today the studio announced a sequel, "13 Years a Slave."


A Southwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong airport in Missouri. A spokesperson for Southwest said, "Close enough."

A Japanese company bought the Jim Beam Whiskey distillery for 16 billion dollars.  Of course this morning, the Japanese company woke up in an alley and said, "I did what?"


Manufacturers are testing a new drug that increases a woman’s sex drive. The drug is actually taken by men, and it makes them do the dishes. 


Over the weekend, Katy Perry visited the Great Wall of China.  Perry’s trip to the Great Wall brought together three things you can see from outer space. 

A new study claims that sexual activity improves your mental performance.  Which explains why I struggled so much in high school.

Political analysts say "there’s no getting around the fact" that Chris Christie is a bully. Then again, when you think about it, there’s no getting around Chris Christie, period.

Justin Bieber reportedly caused $20,000 in damage to his neighbor’s home by egging it. It’s being called the most pointless use of an egg since the fertilization of Justin Bieber.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gave his state of the state address.  Christie started the speech by saying "Sorry I’m late, but I can’t control the traffic."

It was announced that President Obama will visit Pope Francis. Obama said he wants to tell the Pope, "You know, they liked me a lot too that first year." 

It was announced that President Obama will visit Pope Francis. The president said, "I’m looking forward to meeting the one old white guy who’s not bashing Obamacare."

The President of Iran tweeted about a historic new nuclear weapons agreement. The tweet got no response until this morning, when it was retweeted by Lady Gaga.

A New Hampshire college student recently spent three months dancing across China. He was later congratulated by the Chinese ambassador, Hoo Cares.

A kid in New Jersey is falsely claiming to be my illegitimate son. For the record, I have three children: Neve,  Beckett, and Ronan Farrow.

Last night, I was reading "Bridge to Terabithia" to my kids when Chris Christie showed up and shut it down.

A recent poll has revealed that 49 percent of Americans support the legalization of marijuana.  Another 23 percent would’ve supported it but they were too busy watching "Spongebob."

Justin Bieber is being accused of throwing 20 eggs at his neighbor’s house.  And two of the eggs even reached the house.


In Utah, a sperm bank employee is in trouble for switching out clients’ sperm with his own. He’s being charged with "putting too much of himself into his work."

Justin Bieber was detained in his garage during a search of his Los Angeles home.  Even worse, police made him sit in his car seat.

The police raided Justin Bieber’s house, and his friend Lil Za was found with ecstasy and possible cocaine. Lil Za was charged with possession of an illegal substance, and a stupid name.

In a new interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said she might consider getting plastic surgery. The First Lady said, "If Barack’s popularity keeps dropping, I do not want to be recognized."

Apple is paying a settlement of $32 million for iPhone games that tricked children into charging their parents’ accounts. Among the worst offenders: the games "Tiny Zoo Friends," "Dragon Story," and "Daddy’s AmEx Number Puzzler."

After the popularity of the "Cronut," a New York bakery has introduced a croissant-bagel hybrid called the "Cragel." Also expected to be popular this year: something new called "Type 2 Criabetes."

The movie "Gravity" received 10 nominations. It’s the film where Sandra Bullock achieves what every Hollywood actress dreams of...true weightlessness.

Legal experts say if Justin Bieber is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. American officials are hopeful they can get "deported" changed to "catapulted."


A prominent gay conservative said he’s leaving the Republican party because he now believes it is intolerant. Friends describe the gay conservative as "slow to notice things."

The Academy only nominated nine films for Best Picture instead of ten. So apparently the Academy didn't see "A Madea Christmas."

Kanye West is standing by the comments he made saying he’ll be remembered like Steve Jobs. Mainly because Kanye also puts “I” in front of everything.

When police raided Justin Bieber’s home last week, there were two large cookie jars filled with weed. You know, with all the marijuana laying around, you'd think his music would be better.

In Italy, a nun gave birth. She's claiming she has no idea how she got pregnant. Today the Vatican said, "Lady, that excuse worked ONCE."

The Seahawks and the Broncos will be going to the Super Bowl at Giants Stadium. The Patriots and the 49ers were bummed about losing until they realized now they don’t have to go to New Jersey.


Both teams playing in the Super Bowl are from states where recreational marijuana is legal. Which explains why the mascot for both teams is Woody Harrelson.

Seattle Seahawks player Richard Sherman is under fire for trash-talking an opponent on live TV last night. Fellow NFL players said, "There’s a proper way to express those feelings, and it’s called 'murder.'"


It’s been reported that New York Jets tight end Kellen Winslow was caught masturbating in his car in a Target parking lot. To be fair though, when you finally do find a parking spot at Target, it’s pretty exciting.

In reference to his bridge scandal, Chris Christie said, "I’m trying to get my arms around an awful situation." Christie’s wife said, "That sounds like me every night."


The George W. Bush Presidential Library will start releasing classified documents from the Bush Administration. One of the documents shows we invaded Iraq because that’s where George W. Bush thought Carmen Sandiego was.

People close to Justin Bieber are urging the singer to enter rehab. You know things are bad when Lil Twist and Lil Za are worried about you.

That last episode of “Sex Sent Me to the E.R.” got the color wrong on my Speedo.

In a new interview, Katy Perry said as a kid she prayed that she would have "big boobs." So finally, we have proof that God exists.

Sarah Palin said that President Obama should stop "playing the race card." Then someone explained to her that honoring Martin Luther King Day is not "playing the race card."


In May, the former president of Trader Joe’s will open a store that sells only expired food. The new store will be known as "7-Eleven."

Republican Party is now worried about Chris Christie's viability as a candidate. Donald Trump said that Chris Christie is "one email away from disaster."  Then Bill Clinton said, "Aren’t we all."


Olympic gold medalist, Carl Lewis says that Chris Christie cancelled a position for him as the state's "physical fitness ambassador" after Lewis did something that Christie didn’t like. When asked what he did that Christie didn’t like, Lewis said, "A sit-up."

In Washington, D.C. the federal government has had to shut down due to snow. It’s being called the biggest government shutdown caused by an onslaught of whiteness since the Tea Party. 

Vladimir Putin on the defensive after making anti-gay statements. Russian President Vladimir Putin said his country is not homophobic because Russians like Elton John’s music. Then he said his favorite Elton John song is "Don’t Let That Guy Go Down on Me."


France’s first lady is suffering from "extreme fatigue" after learning of her husband’s affair with an actress. I don’t know why she’s tired — he’s the one juggling two women.


The TV writer who created the catchphrase "What chu talking bout, Willis?" died at the age of 92. On his deathbed he confessed, "I always knew what Willis was talkin’ bout."

Justin Bieber spent $75,000 dollars at a strip club. There was an awkward moment when Bieber asked a stripper for a lap dance and then he sat on her lap.

When someone calls me pretentious, the white gloves come off.

In Belarus, a parrot is in the running to win a local council seat. The parrot wants better schools, improved roads, and a cracker.

Recently on the Spanish island of Ibiza, the island prostitutes formed a union. And if there’s one thing the Prostitutes Union knows, it’s how to spot a scab.

A picture has gone viral from the Sochi Olympic venue showing a single bathroom stall with two toilets. Wow, those two-man luge teams do everything together.

Earlier this week in Colorado, Justin Bieber peed his name in the snow. Coincidentally, that’s also how he writes his songs. 

California Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in an official drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I’m just trying to conserve water.

Despite his recent scandals, Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey’s Hispanics. Some Hispanics like Christie’s moderate conservatism, and others believe that if you hit him, he’ll break open and spill out candy.


The smog from factories in China is traveling across the Pacific and hitting the U.S. Great— so now even our smog is made in China.

It’s been reported that Bruce Jenner has undergone surgery to decrease the size of his Adam’s Apple. Jenner said, "Hey – It worked for Khloe."

Just snaked my bathroom drain and pulled out an Ewok.

Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach after drag racing, driving under the influence, and resisting arrest. Police have charged Bieber with impersonating a resident of Florida.

In Florida, Justin Bieber was arrested for DUI. Police reports said Bieber’s blood contained large amounts of alcohol, pot, and Flinstones Chewables.


Justin Bieber was briefly jailed, and the police report described him as "5-foot-9 and 140 lbs." Or as his cellmate put it, "just right." 

The Toronto City Counselor says that Mayor Rob Ford is unable to change. I imagine he means out of that suit.

Just read part of an incredible synopsis of an article about Attention Deficit something or other.

Just saw Her. (Not the movie, the capitalized object pronoun.)

I hate the paparazzi, always photographing me when I’m with my family or searching through Nick Jonas’ trash.

During last night’s Grammys, 33 gay and straight couples got married on live television. Unfortunately, due to a terrible mix up, Steven Tyler and Adele are now married.

Last week, a New Jersey state senator said he will introduce a bill to legalize marijuana in New Jersey.  Of course, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie promised to veto it, saying, "You do NOT want me to get the munchies."


Subway sandwiches has announced a major new campaign to get people to eat healthier. I’m no health expert, but maybe the first thing to do is not sell people piles of meat and bread "by the foot."


At the Grammys people were commenting on Steven Tyler's moustache. They were saying, "Oh look, that old Romanian lady forgot to wax her lip."


Madonna performed for the 33 couples that got married at the Grammys. Madonna sang her new hit song, "Please Stop Asking Me What I’ve Done to My Face."


France's electronic duo Daft Punk won five Grammys. The French duo said, "It's nice to finally win something without military assistance from America."

Over the weekend, the Miami Heat took away Justin Bieber’s courtside seats. When asked why, a spokesman for the Heat said, "Bieber’s not acting like a NBA fan — he’s acting like a NBA player."

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford claims he’s found a way to bring in $50 million for Toronto. Basically, America will pay him to take back Justin Bieber.

It’s tradition that one cabinet member does not attend the State of the Union and is kept in a secret, undisclosed location. So this year that cabinet member will be on a primetime show on NBC.

One of the players for the Broncos' mother and grandmother will be watching the Super Bowl from prison. In other words, this guy was born to play in the NFL.  

The Royal Family has reportedly burned through its money and is strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie.

One of the stars of "Duck Dynasty" will be in attendance for the State of the Union address. It’s considered historic – the first time a "Duck Dynasty" member will be within 500 feet of a black person.


President Obama’s chief speechwriter said the President started working on his State of the Union address around Thanksgiving.  In a related story, today Joe Biden finished giving a speech he started around Thanksgiving.

Michigan has put forth a plan to give visas to immigrants, if they promise to spend five years living in Detroit. When they heard, immigrants from dozens of impoverished war-torn countries said, "We’re good."

After more than 600 passengers on a Royal Caribbean cruise got sick, the ship is scheduled to return to New Jersey early. Passengers say they can’t wait to get off the boat and have diarrhea on dry land.

According to a new study, white people are on the verge of becoming the minority race in California. Unless ladies, I get busy IMMEDIATELY.

A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?"


This November, legalizing marijuana will be on the ballot in Florida. Great news for everyone who wishes people in Florida would drive even slower.

Last night, President Obama renewed his call for a "path to citizenship" for illegal aliens. Even more popular though was his road block to citizenship for Justin Bieber.

In a new interview, Jerry Springer said he would want President Obama as a son. In response, Obama said, "Thanks but I’ll stick to not having a dad."

In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said, "Still not going to watch curling." 

China has banned cigarette smoking in schools. Fortunately, children in China can still smoke at their jobs.

The owner of the Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus has become America’s latest billionaire.  He got rich by paying his workers peanuts.

At this time, Eva Mendes and I ask for privacy about our burgeoning relationship. Thank you.

People are still shocked that two inches of snow could cause the entire city of Atlanta to shut down.  But as I always tell the ladies -- sometimes two inches is all you need.

A marijuana advocacy group is placing five pro-marijuana billboards around the stadium where the Super Bowl is being played. Well, they were planning to, but then it just felt like so much work.

The Super Bowl will be played in Governor Chris Christie’s home state of New Jersey. So it’s a state that lately has gotten used to 300 pound guys blocking things. 

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford defended Justin Bieber, but said he’s not a fan of Bieber’s music. Ford said, "There’s not enough crack in the world."

Justin Bieber turned himself in at a Toronto police station for an assault charge. There was a bit of confusion when Bieber first arrived and policemen asked, "Hey little girl, have you lost your Mommy?"

Justin Bieber has been charged with assaulting his Toronto limo driver. The driver is reportedly suffering from minor injuries, and being the laughingstock of the Toronto limo industry.

After 600 people got sick on a cruise, Royal Caribbean is offering those passengers 50% off a future cruise. A Royal Caribbean spokesman said, "It’s a good deal –That’s the same amount of diarrhea, but for half the price."

Queen Elizabeth is in financial trouble. How do you go broke when your face is on the money?

My Super Bowl tradition? Watching the game at a Hampton Inn with a drifter.

A photo has emerged of Justin Bieber licking the nipple of a stripper. In his defense, he is still nursing. 

After appearing in a commercial during the Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today, Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light and relax at a Sandals resort."


Yesterday was Groundhog Day. The groundhog came out, saw five minutes of the Super Bowl and then went right back into his hole.

Some are saying that this year’s Super Bowl ads were socially progressive, with a Cheerios commercial featuring an interracial couple and Coke featuring a gay couple. And I don’t even want to know what that clydesdale and puppy are up to.

A video banning masturbation has been released by Brigham Young University.  Students at Brigham Young told the university, "So it’s okay for you to release something?"

Just read a study claiming dogs can feel love, which is yet another way dogs are superior to cats. And comedians.

10 years ago today, Mark Zuckerberg launched Facebook. Zuckerberg said, "It all started with the dream of helping people keep track of how fat their exes have gotten."

There are rumors circulating of a Justin Bieber sex tape. The sex tape is being marketed as "Hot Girl on Girl Action."


In Sochi, Russia where the Olympics are being held there’s a mall where the only store currently open is a Cinnabon. Or as Americans refer to it – a mall that caters to all of our needs. 

Sunday’s game was the most watched Super Bowl in history. It was a hit with fans of both football and whatever the Broncos were playing.

After his Super Bowl half-time show, Bruno Mars had the #1 album on iTunes. Meanwhile, after their performance, the Red Hot Chili Peppers had the #1 brand of chest-waxing kits.

Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos.

Because of his bad behavior while flying, Justin Bieber has reportedly been added to the Homeland Security Watch List. Terrorists heard this and said, "Please don’t lump us in with that douchebag."


There’s a new rumor that when Bill Clinton was president, he flew actress Elizabeth Hurley to the White House for sex. This was a rumor started by Bill Clinton.

Today the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was, "Too flaming."


A shipment of Chobani Yogurt intended for the Olympics is being held up due to a problem with Russian regulations. Apparently Vladimir Putin is so homophobic he isn’t allowing anything into Russia that advertises "Fruit on the Bottom."

Visitors to the Winter Olympics in Sochi are reporting horror stories of rooms without heat, hot water, or working toilets.  Which explains why these Olympics are being sponsored by Royal Caribbean Cruises. 

This week, onboard Justin Bieber’s private jet, the pilots had to wear oxygen masks because of all the pot smoke. Not only that, the pilots had to wear earplugs because Bieber was blasting his own music.

Amsterdam has opened the first ever Museum of Prostitution. It costs $20 to go in through the front, and $60 to go in through the rear.

The Olympics start airing tonight on NBC. That's right—NBC has the Olympics. It's a big deal. NBC will finally get to show somebody who's okay with passing the torch.

There are two huge things to watch this weekend—the return of "The Walking Dead" and the Olympics in Sochi. One is a about a group of people trying to survive an apocalyptic environment under horrific conditions, the other is "The Walking Dead."


When you see a walker in LA, it’s not because they’re a zombie—it just means they have a DUI. 

Americans now read Facebook more than the Bible. I guess nobody wants to read about a guy who could only come up with 12 friends.

Apple is reportedly testing a new smartwatch that is charged by the movement of your wrist. I never thought the answer to the energy crisis… would be me in high school.

There are rumors that the Russian government has placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi.  When asked about it, Russia said, "Don’t worry, our cameras don’t work either."

A top NFL prospect has announced that he’s gay. Then someone explained to him that having a crush on Tom Brady doesn’t make you gay.


After winning bronze in speed skating, Russia’s Olga Graf unzipped her suit forgetting that she had nothing underneath it. Officials immediately took back the bronze medal and gave her the gold.


Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing the word "bi-."

Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S snowboarders.

In Sochi, a snowboarder who wrote his number on his helmet got so many naked pictures that his phone broke. In a related story, Bill Clinton just took up snowboarding.

Olympic officials distributed 100,000 condoms to athletes in Sochi. Of course, they only gave them to the curling team as a joke. 

In Portland, Oregon, a group of African-Americans are protesting a new Trader Joe’s location because they say it will attract too many white people. Which is ironic because Portland is the Native American word for, "too many white people."


Still no interest in a reunion of my old Irish-American boy band, Pale By Comparison.

US Snowboarding Champion Sage Kotsenburg said he wishes his gold medal was made of bacon.  Of course, if the medals were made of bacon, America wouldn’t be in fifth place, we’d be in first. 

Last year, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg donated nearly a billion dollars to charity. Zuckerberg said, "I couldn’t have done it without everybody’s credit card numbers."

A photo from Sochi has gone viral that shows an elevator with nothing but "up" buttons. However, that is perfectly normal, says Sochi Olympics organizer Willy Wonka.

Yesterday, both the US men’s and women’s curling teams lost. It was the hardest day of their lives since they told their parents, "I’m on the curling team."

Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympic coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he’s been made an honorary member of the US snowboarding team. 

The family of openly gay NFL prospect Michael Sam says they only found out he was gay from watching ESPN. Meanwhile, Michael Sam found out he was gay from watching Bravo.

A Los Angeles newscaster has had to apologize to Samuel L. Jackson for mistaking him for Laurence Fishburne. He said, "I’m sorry, but everybody makes mistakes, even our great President Morgan Freeman."

To stop the spread of disease, the city of Vancouver has allowed crack pipes to be sold in vending machines. The plan was called “dangerous” by the mayor of New York City, and "genius" by the mayor of Toronto.

Nevada announced it will now look the other way on gay marriage.  Unless two attractive lesbians are getting married—then it will stare.

I just found out the "L" in Samuel L. Jackson stands for Laurence Fishburne.

A new survey has revealed that for Valentine's Day, 30% of women prefer sex over flowers. The survey was from a sampling of women I've never encountered in my life. 

The Slovenian woman who won the gold medal in alpine skiing is also a pop star in her country.  So Justin Bieber’s not the only pop star going downhill fast. 


Researchers say that at least four species of crocodiles are able to climb trees. Then, researchers said, "Sleep tight."

Yesterday, Matt Lauer jokingly blamed Bob Costas’ eye infection on Russian President Vladimir Putin. And today, police are wondering, "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?"

This Valentine’s Day, Boston Market is offering a free dessert to couples. So she may be disappointed you took her to Boston Market on Valentine's Day, but when she leaves halfway through the meal, you’re going to get two free desserts!

Everyone’s okay, but at a McDonald's in Michigan, a woman fired a gun at a drive-through worker for forgetting bacon on her order. In the woman’s defense, the worker did forget her bacon.

Ryan Seacrest is launching his own clothing line. It’s called, “There’s No Escaping Me.”


Billy Ray Cyrus has come out with a hip hop version of "Achy Breaky Heart." Experts say it’s the first time in music history that fans of hip hop and country have hated the same thing.

I’d like to retire somewhere warm, like Sochi.

It was announced that Barbie will be featured in next week’s swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. So it looks like I can finally say that I’ve made out with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.

Some McDonald’s restaurants are taking reservations on Valentine’s Day. They’re getting a lot of "tables for one."


A New York judge has ruled that lap dances are taxable because they are not art. Or, maybe he just hasn’t had the right lap dance. 


This week, two female skiers made history by finishing with the exact same time and each winning a gold medal. They also launched a new porn site, "Two Girls, One Podium."


In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi Games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said, "It’s still better than a hotel in Sochi."

A prehistoric village has been unearthed in Miami. Experts say the indigenous people ate fish and small game at around 4 in the afternoon.

New research claims 12% of websites are porn. And the other 88% of sites help direct you to porn.

It's been reported that President Obama asked HBO for copies of the upcoming season of "Game of Thrones." You know things are bad in this country when even the White House can't afford HBO.

Yesterday in Sochi, a spectator was ejected after he yelled out, "It’s OKAY to be gay!"  In response, all the male figure skaters said, "Okay? It is AWESOME."

Two former members of the Russian punk band "Pussy Riot" were detained by police in Sochi. If found guilty, they could be sentenced to two weeks in a Sochi hotel room.


In South Carolina, a woman spent a night in jail for failing to return a VHS copy of the Jennifer Lopez movie "Monster-in-Law." Yet, the people who made that movie are still allowed to walk free.


In Miley Cyrus’ new concert, she simulates oral sex with a Bill Clinton impersonator When he heard, Bill Clinton said, "You know— I do a pretty good Bill Clinton."

The professional networking site LinkedIn says it wants to be "Facebook for work." Critics say there already is a "Facebook for work." It's called "Facebook."

Today, the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics.  People in Russia haven’t been this depressed since last week.

Yesterday, President Obama apologized for saying a person with an art history degree doesn’t earn a lot. Then Obama turned to an art history major and ordered a tall Frappuccino with soy.

Google is asking users of Google Glass to stop being what they refer to as "Glassholes." They said, "This isn't directed at all Google Glass users, just the ones being Glouchebags."

As an alternative to Obamacare, some Republicans are touting President Bush’s 2007 plan, which they’re calling "Bushcare." Bushcare covers boo-boos, cooties and ouchies.

In Florida, a 101-year-old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is, "Vote for me, and then vote again in two months."


CeeLo Green said he won’t be back as a judge on "The Voice." CeeLo said he wants to spend more time with his family, facing the wrong direction.


Watching that new Irish hoarding show, where they clean out a man’s lifetime accumulation of slights, rebuffs and resentments.

A new study of online dating profiles reveal women respond 31% better to men who use the word "whom."  Frankly, I don’t know whom these men are or whom they’re trying to impress.


An expert estimates that Chris Christie has lost 100 pounds since having gastric bypass surgery. The surgery is amazing—it basically shuts down a bridge to your stomach.

Tomorrow, the big event in the Olympics is the US playing Canada in men’s hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber.

Despite all the problems they’re having in Sochi, visitors have reported that at least the internet is good. They’ve been using it to download hot, sexy pictures of working toilets.

Yesterday, a snowboarder who was raised in America won a gold medal for Russia. So congrats to Edward Snowden.

The company that owns Old Navy announced plans to raise the minimum wage they pay their employees to $10.00 per hour.  This way they won’t have to shop at Old Navy.

An initiative has been proposed that would divide California into 6 separate states.  The new states would include West California, Central California and Kardashia.

Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian are unveiling a line of clothing for girls. The Kardashians said, "We want to inspire women of all ages with the message that, if you set your mind to it, there’s no one you can’t do."

According to a new poll, Michael Vick is still the most hated player in the NFL. However, on the bright side, he’s still the “most liked” among cats.

Facebook has announced that the site will still show your page after you die. However, Facebook will change your relationship status to "it’s complicated."

According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who talk less.  Which is why you often overhear women say, "Whoa, check out that mime."


Taco Bell is trying to take on McDonald's in the breakfast market by offering a "Waffle Taco." Taco Bell said they're trying to capture that very narrow market—stoners who get up early in the morning.

Kim Jong Un and his wife are expecting their second child. They don't care if it's a boy or a girl, just as long as it's crazy.

Russia ended up with the most gold medals at the Sochi Olympics. Russian athletes said, "We played like our lives were on the line, because our lives were on the line."

Yesterday, Jason Collins became the first openly gay player to play in an NBA game. He also became the first NBA player not being pursued by a woman for child support.

The nation of Uganda is getting slammed for a new bill sentencing people to prison for homosexuality. The bill was drafted by Uganda’s "Committee On Not Understanding What Goes on in Prison."

Today all the hosts of the Today Show went makeup-free. It was mostly uneventful, except for the revelation that Al Roker is a tiny Japanese woman.

Alec Baldwin announced that he is stepping out of the media spotlight and leaving public life.  Alec said, "I’m doing on purpose what my brothers did by accident."


New research shows that dogs can distinguish a happy human voice from a sad one.  And yet they still can't distinguish a human leg from another dog's butt.

Mark Zuckerberg says he doesn’t think he overpaid when he bought the instant messaging service "WhatsApp" for $19 billion. Zuckerberg said, "Hey, if you know another way for people to communicate without talking, I’m all ears."


The dairy group who came up with "Got Milk" has officially retired the slogan. The dairy group said their ad campaign was a success, now that pretty much everyone has heard of milk.


The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays, they may not get to host the 2015 Super Bowl. And it may also hurt Arizona’s chances of  hosting the Tony Awards.

Today in California a couple out walking their dog found 10 million dollars worth of rare coins buried in the ground. It’s the biggest stash of coins found since Oprah had her couch cushions cleaned.

Delta Airlines is under fire for refusing to let a woman openly breastfeed on a flight. Or as male passengers call it "In-Flight Entertainment."

A new study reveals men and women who are "friends with benefits" are able to maintain the friendship even after the benefits end. The study refers to this arrangement as "marriage."


In a new interview, Khloe Karashian said she has no regrets. When asked the same question, her mother admitted to having at least three regrets.  

A Texas state senator who’s opposed to gay marriage accidentally tweeted, "marriage is between a man and a man." The senator said it was a simple mistake, like that time he joined Grindr instead of Christian Mingle.

This is the second year that people are able to vote for the Oscars online. Which explains why the two big contenders for Best Picture are "Minesweeper" and "Porn."


New research suggests that people are attracted to voices that are similar to their own.  Which is why I’ve always had a thing for dolphins.

This Sunday is the Oscars. Or as they’re officially called, "Hoarders—The Meryl Streep Edition."

At Sunday’s Oscars, female nominees will receive a gift bag that includes a voucher for vaginal rejuvenation. It’s being called "the closest Hollywood gets to caring about who you are on the inside."

A former Target employee is accusing the store of hiring only attractive people as managers. Apparently, he is talking about a Target I have never been to.

In California, the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said, "It’s right there in the book of DUDE-eronomy." 

There is a new technique that would allow for three people to be the parent of the same baby. But personally, I’ve found that disappointing two parents is more than enough. 

In California, the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza.

The governor of Arizona has vetoed the state’s anti-gay law. The governor said she wants to make it clear that gays are welcome in her state–as long as they’re not Mexican.

The very first Academy Awards ceremony lasted 15 minutes.  And thanks to the fast forward button on my DVR, so will this year’s. 

I can’t drink Muscle Milk anymore because I discovered my body is muscle intolerant.

I’d like to think I’m the Meryl Streep of spilling dip at Oscar parties.

Last night was the fourth time Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated for an Oscar and the fourth time he’s lost. Man, being Leo DiCaprio must be a living hell.  


Thank you for tuning in, I’m Conan O’Brien. Or as John Travolta calls me, "Kevin Ozeem."

I’m excited because I won the office Oscar pool. I guessed "too long."  

Sunday night's Oscars are being called the most diverse ever, with a Mexican winning Best Director, and a Kenyan winning Best Supporting Actress. Matthew McConaughey noticed this and said, "Finally, it’s not all white, all white, all white."

In his acceptance speech, Matthew McConaughey said his hero is always himself 10 years from now. So by the time the Oscars finished, he was his own hero.


Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night.  And I’m going to guess they’re also not going to show the Tonys.

Newsweek magazine is returning, and this time it will be more expensive. This should work, since everyone’s main complaint with Newsweek magazine was, "too affordable."

In France, a woman won the right to marry her dead fiancé. And just when he thought he’d gotten out of it.

In a speech yesterday, Pope Francis accidentally said the f-word in Italian. When told about his mistake, the Pope said, "No sh**!"

It’s Mardi Gras. Today is "Fat Tuesday." Or as they call that at America’s waterparks, "Tuesday."


Washington, D.C. voted to decriminalize marijuana. We’re already seeing the effects—at the Lincoln memorial, the statue of Lincoln is now sitting on a bean bag chair.


Arnold Schwarzenegger has revealed that he’s beginning filming the new "Terminator" movie next month. In this one, the Terminator travels 10 years into the future and meets Matthew McConaughey’s hero.


Bradley Cooper revealed that while attending a dinner at the White House, he once went "commando." When he heard this Bill Clinton said, "Once? I was the commando in chief."

Radio Shack announced plans to close 1,000 stores throughout the US. Radio Shack customers were very upset when they got the news on their pagers.

German police are hunting a pair of robbers who hypnotized a woman before stealing her jewelry. When police asked the hypnotized woman for a statement, she said, "Bock, bock, bock!"


Miami Police are releasing a video of Justin Bieber urinating in his jail cell. In other words they’ve got streaming video of Justin Bieber. 

In a recent interview, Pope Francis said that women should play a bigger role in the Catholic Church. Sounds like someone’s girlfriend is starting to call the shots.

Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. After hearing this, Putin said, "Tell me who the other nominees are and I will eliminate them."

The video of Justin Bieber’s time in jail will be released with his private parts blurred.  It won’t be the first time that Bieber’s manhood has been unclear.

Because of Russia’s actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions.  Obama said if Russia doesn’t pull out Kiev, we’re not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China. 

Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked, until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un.

There is now a new app that will help you find the nearest bathroom. It’s called the Starbucks app.

Today is the second day of the 40-day Catholic holiday of Lent. You know what I’m giving up this year? The 40-day Catholic holiday of Lent.

The Democratic Party is reportedly trying to recruit more white men. Which explains their new campaign slogan, "Yay khakis!"


Over the weekend, North Korea held elections, and Kim Jong Un was re-elected with 100% of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits the win to his slogan: "Vote for me or you will be murdered."

Sunday was daylight savings time, when we lose an hour for no apparent reason. And, by the way, "losing an hour for no apparent reason" is also the motto for this show.

Yahoo announced they will start making users sign in with a Yahoo ID.  When asked for more details on how to sign in, the Yahoo spokesman said, "For god’s sakes just Google it."

The other night, President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song "Respect." President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.

A California lawmaker is proposing stricter regulations on the doctors who prescribe medical marijuana. For example, doctors are no longer able to prescribe you pot for the medical condition: "I Just Got Netflix."

Disney theme parks have introduced a controversial new wristband that tracks your location and activities.  What they’ve learned is that most people in Disney parks are standing in really long lines.

While working on the LA subway, construction workers have discovered fossils from the ice age. The fossils belong to the last creature to ever use the Los Angeles subway.

A player for the Baltimore Ravens is being charged with starting a fight in a strip club. Man... that’s so Ravens.

The Dalai Lama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. Then he introduced his husband, The Dave Lama.

In Colorado, a barber shop is refusing to serve customers who reek of marijuana. Today, the barber shop went out of business. 

The clothing company H&M is soon going to release a $99 wedding dress. The $99 wedding dress is the perfect way to tell your man, "I do – I guess."

The country of New Zealand is voting on whether to change their flag. Apparently New Zealand’s current flag is just a sign that says, "No, No— you’re thinking of Australia."

A right wing pastor is saying that the movie "Frozen" will turn kids gay. He also warned that the movie "300" will turn right wing pastors gay.


President Obama recently sent the Prime Minister of Canada two cases of White House-brewed beer after losing a bet. Obama bet him that Justin Bieber couldn’t get any douchier.

Archaeologists just discovered a leather belt believed to be 4000 years old.  So now we know why Larry King wears suspenders.

In Toronto, an 18-year-old girl is running against Rob Ford in that city’s mayoral election. Her campaign slogan is, "Vote for me—I’m not a crack addict."


In Florida, the town of Hampton has been found to be so corrupt, the state may dissolve it, basically ending its existence. This begs the question: how bad a town do you have to be to be an embarrassment to Florida?

Forbes released the list of the richest billionaires. Kinda makes you feel bad for the poorest billionaires.

An artist puking on Lady Gaga is national news, but no one cares that I drooled on Sofia Vergara?

Wife really wants to see "300: Rise of an Empire." Doesn’t she know those hunky actors are playing fast and loose with historical facts?

Do you think Putin just misunderstood the term "March Madness"?

Terrible climate, centuries of oppression, and the gene for alcoholism. Or as I call it, "The luck of the Irish."

Just Googled 47 products I would never buy, just to see how fast ads for them pop up on my Facebook page.

We need to deal with Putin once and for all... Send over our sharpest improv team.

Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly invested millions of dollars into a computer that can think and speak like a person. The computer is known as "Mark Zuckerberg."

"The Walking Dead" is reportedly going to be edited into a family-friendly version for younger audiences. It will be retitled, "Dad’s Home For Dinner!"

In Michigan, a funk band has made money off an album of complete silence. You hear that, Nickelback?

While in China, First Lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, "Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship."

Over the weekend, Michelle Obama arrived in China with her daughters. It marks the first time in China’s history that an American has arrived with daughters. 

Former President Jimmy Carter has accused the NSA of spying on his email. And Bill Clinton believes the government hacked into his OkCupid account.

Pope Francis told the mafia that they risk going to hell for their criminal behavior. Sounds to me like someone placed a bet on the Final Four that they can’t cover. 

The movie "Noah" has received Pope Francis’ blessing. However, the Pope refused to bless the new Muppets movie, saying, "It needed more Scooter."


Authorities have seized a package of cocaine addressed to the Vatican. When asked about it, the Pope said, "Hey – you can’t give up EVERYTHING for Lent."

There’s a new website that helps you write elaborate works of personalized fiction. It’s called "Match.com."


A new study shows that smoking e-cigarettes does not help people quit smoking real cigarettes. The study concludes that people who smoke e-cigarettes are being "douchebags for nothing."


It’s been reported that the next "Star Wars" movie will take place 30 years after "Return of the Jedi." So kids—get ready for "Combover Chewbacca."

Every man in North Korea is now required to get Kim Jong Un’s haircut. Or, as that style is known in the U.S., "The First Year Lesbian."

One of President Obama’s Secret Service agents is in trouble after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, spring break!


A company has come out with a beer for Star Trek fans called "Klingon Warnog." Not surprisingly, it’s the only beer designed to be drunk alone. 

During her trip to China, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the First Lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo, then had a cheeseburger the minute she left.

To protest Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, Ukrainian women are refusing to have sex with Russian men. To add insult to injury, when Russian troops invaded Ukraine, the women there said they didn't feel a thing. 

In a recent interview, former Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan said that he does not have a racist bone in his body.  However, Ryan admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.

The NFL announced some tough new rule changes for next season. There will be a 10-yard penalty for abusive language and a 15-yard penalty for murdering someone.

In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Italian mafia and urged members of the mafia to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile.

Quiznos filed for bankruptcy protection? So where are all the people who never ate there not going to eat?

It just struck me – Wolf Blitzer is just a serious-looking dandelion.

"Meredith Vieira covered in garlic aioli" is my most vowel-heavy sexual fantasy.

According to a new report, Chik-Fil-A is now more profitable than KFC. To try and catch up, KFC has just unveiled its new product, "Extra Crispy Gay-Hatin’ Wings."

The White House may ban people from taking selfies with President Obama. Not only that, the White House now has photobomb-sniffing dogs. 


I just got back after spending a week in Dallas. It’s nice to know that if I miss seeing guys in cowboy hats and boots I can just go to West Hollywood.


The Obama White House may soon ban the taking of selfies with the president. When he heard, Bill Clinton said, "Man, I remember when 'selfies with the president' had a totally different meaning."

Barbara Walters announced that her final day on "The View" will be May 16.  It’s not a total shock since she was in the last year of her 80-year contract.


A Twitter employee live-tweeted the birth of her child. Which explains why the doctor kept yelling "Push" and "Send!"


A woman was recently conned out of $86,000 from a guy she met on Match.com. Even worse—he still hasn’t called.

In Georgia, a female high school teacher is accused of having a threesome with two male students. She’ll spend time in jail, but those boys will never forget how to draw an isosceles triangle.

Great acting in "Noah." Giraffe #2 was incredible.

According to a new report, China now watches more porn than the US. This is great news — China is consuming something that’s made in our country.


The White House has decided not to ban the taking of selfies with the President. However they are cracking down on Vice Presidential nip slips.

A recent study has revealed that left-handed people have better sex. I don’t know — I’ve tried it with my left hand and it was terrible.

A man got a tattoo saying Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year, even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.

In a recent survey, 84% of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, "That’s easy — it’s in Russia now." 

A Ukrainian man dressed as Darth Vader is trying to run for his country’s presidency. When election officials told him, "You can’t do that," he waved his hand and said, "I CAN do that," and they said, "You can do that."


In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of "Noah" due to a flood in the movie theater.  Either that, or the 3D in that movie is really good. 

Rob Lowe said there is a prejudice against good looking people. Rob, if you’re watching, we shall overcome.

A Catholic priest is causing controversy by calling Lego products "tools of Satan." Sounds to me like someone just stepped on a Lego barefoot.

Jillian Michaels reportedly wants to leave "The Biggest Loser" saying it’s gotten too mean. In response, producers said, "This is a completely unfair and baseless accusation from a lying bitch."

The coach of Brazil’s World Cup soccer team told his players they can have sex before games. Also, in keeping with regulations, no hands. 

In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the first time Bill Clinton proposed, she said no.  Hillary said the reason is, he didn’t propose marriage, he proposed a threesome.

The CEO of Whole Foods said it’s a great bonding experience to have sleepovers with his employees.  Then he looked at his phone and said, "I’m sorry, I have to take this, it's my lawyer."

In a new interview, Scarlett Johansson says she hates her nickname "ScarJo." However, she really really hates her other nickname, "Chesty McHotVoice."

According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting for duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack Obuzzkill.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been re-elected with 100% of the vote. He said, "I haven't been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SATs."

Captain America is currently the number one movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain American asks Captain China for a $17 trillion dollar loan. 

In Las Vegas, a man’s missing $35,000 Rolex was found in his masseuse’s vagina.  The man said, "I think I know where she put my college ring, and she can keep it."

A new study says being optimistic or pessimistic may be largely genetic. So, in the words of my father, "We’re all screwed."


A Colorado company has introduced the first-ever marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better.

A new study found that exposure to Barbie dolls limits a girl's imagination. The study also found that exposure to Ken dolls causes boys to think that their penis will eventually fall off.

At the Palm Sunday Mass, Pope Francis reportedly came up with his sermon on the spot. You could tell because he started the sermon with, "Is Brooklyn in the house?"


After Mass yesterday, Pope Francis posed for selfies. It’s sad because he's still doing "duck face."


Scientists think they have definitive proof that Jesus had a wife. Maybe so, since he’s not the first husband to get killed after going out drinking with 12 of his guy friends.

Bill Clinton calls himself a "vegan" but he reportedly cheats on his diet. He also calls himself "married."


Yesterday, North Korea held its annual marathon. So congratulations to first, second, and third place winner—Kim Jong Un. 

Burger King restaurants in China released a new beverage called the PooPoo Smoothie. Don’t worry, in China "PooPoo" just means "Terrible Name for a Drink."


For today only, Google Glass is available to the public for the price of $1,500. It’s the perfect gift for anyone who thinks their Bluetooth headset isn’t douchey enough.

As a prom night promotion, KFC is offering corsages made out of fried chicken.  But guys, be warned, if you give your date a chicken corsage, your prom night will definitely be boneless.

Scientists now believe that Jesus Christ had a wife. They also believe that Jesus's nephew called Jesus's wife the "Auntie Christ."


Late last night, a phenomenon occurred that scientists say won’t happen again until next fall. That’s right, the Lakers won.

In Afghanistan’s presidential election, early returns show Abdullah Abdullah is winning.  Abdullah Abdullah is doing great among men, old people, and stutterers.

The Supreme Court of India has ruled that there are three genders not two. The three genders are "male, female, and Bieber."

Donald Trump says that he is serious about buying an NFL team. Trump said, "I love football, that’s why I’m always wearing this helmet."

A British company has released a new ice cream which is made with Viagra. They said their goal is to "give you a better erection, then make you too fat to find it."

Domino’s debuted a new pizza where instead of dough, they use fried chicken. It’s called "Domino’s Deep Dish You’re All Going To Die."

This year’s Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday 4/20. Which means, no matter what your religion, this Sunday you’re probably gonna see a giant bunny. 

Yesterday, Miley Cyrus got sick and was taken to the hospital. When asked how it happened, Miley said,  "I don’t know, it must have been something I licked."


The Pope let two 11-year-old boys ride in the popemobile with him.  Afterwards, the Vatican told the Pope, "That’s not the kind of publicity we’re looking for these days."


Analysts say the key voting block that Democrats have to reach this year is unmarried women. When Bill Clinton was told, he said, "I’m on it."

Donald Trump is reportedly interested in buying an NFL team for $1 billion dollars. So Browns fans can look forward to rooting for the "Cleveland Comb-Overs."


Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life. Those experts are called "wives."

While filming a commercial for an energy drink, Kim Kardashian fell off a bicycle. Luckily, her body is 90% pillow.

In a new interview, Kate Upton said she wishes she had smaller breasts. Kate, do what I did—learn to love your extra large appendage.

A new report claims that posing with a dog in your online dating profile makes you more desirable. And posing with a cat means you’re going to die alone. 

Lot of talk that Jeb Bush may run for President. Potential Republican candidate Jeb Bush is married to an immigrant from Mexico.  So they’re taking our jobs and our Jebs.

A Southwest pilot who famously landed at the wrong airport has retired. He tried to retire to Florida but ended up in Alabama.

Babies are being named after "Game of Thrones" characters? What parents would name a baby after a sword wielding, mythological character?

Let's face it, anyone named Captain America should be overweight and have a porn addiction.

Just benched 300 (sat on a bench, watched "300").

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch me using a cliche.

I'm frequently told that I resemble someone's best friend who still likes ska.

I know it's early in the season, but so far my Game of Thrones "murder bracket" is intact.

On Sunday, Pope Francis declared two new saints. And I just want to say, Andy and I are deeply honored.

A new report said that a record number of middle-aged Californians are moving back in with their parents. My mother told me about this story last night while she was tucking me in.

Today, in an interview, Donald Trump called Donald Sterling’s remarks disgusting and his girlfriend "a terrible human being." Trump then said, "That’s why I’ve asked them both join the next season of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'"

After the audio was released, the NAACP decided NOT to honor Donald Sterling with a "Lifetime Achievement" award. Instead they’re giving him the "Reason We Still Need an NAACP" award.

It’s being reported that the girlfriend of Donald Sterling may have 100 more hours of his racist audio.  Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, "A month’s worth of talk radio."

The LA Clippers staged a protest of their owner’s racist remarks by wearing their uniforms inside out. Meanwhile, the LA Lakers have been wearing their uniforms inside out so no one would know they play for the Lakers.

A new high school in Chicago will be named after President Obama. It’s called "Obama High," which was also the President’s high school nickname.

During a Q&A with Michelle Obama, a young girl told the First Lady her dad was looking for a job and handed her a copy of her father’s resume. The young girl was Sasha Obama.  


Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It’s a selfie he took with Larry King.

A new study claims that during sex, 43% of men finish within two minutes. And one minute of that is apologizing.

Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Political analysts are calling it a "bold move that could change nothing."

The NBA has banned Donald Sterling for life for his racist comments. You know if Sterling has a problem with black people, maybe he should think about owning a hockey team.

A porn website recently said it will plant a tree for every one hundred videos watched.  A spokesperson for the website said, "Our motto is: 'The more wood the better.'"


Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he doesn’t think Donald Sterling should be kicked out of the league for comments made in private conversation. After hearing this, Sterling said, "Wow— this is the first time I’ve liked a Cuban."


NBA players had threatened to boycott if Donald Sterling wasn’t banned for life.  In fact, the Lakers are so upset, they’ve decided not to play for the rest of the season.

Scientists are saying that pig hearts may soon be transplanted into humans. Which is good news for everyone except Jewish and Muslim people. 

In Washington State, a man was arrested for drinking his own urine at a restaurant. Even worse— after one sip, he sent it back. 

Just saw a guy driving a Tesla while wearing Google Glass and blaring Daft Punk. Now THAT’S how you overcompensate.

Major League Lacrosse is upset at Jay-Z because in one of his new lyrics, he calls the sport "soft." Meanwhile, rappers are upset that Jay-Z is now rapping about lacrosse.

The Colorado Symphony Orchestra announced it will play a series of  "cannabis friendly" concerts. The first one is Sunday and they’ll be playing Beethoven’s 420 Symphony.

Yesterday, Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer mistakenly called "50 Cent" a singing group. Meanwhile, Republican Senators called "50 Cent" a fair hourly wage.


Clippers owner Donald Sterling has been banned for life from the NBA. People are now wondering who the new Clippers owner will be.  All the NBA has said so far is it’s definitely not anyone from "Duck Dynasty."

On the "Today" show, Matt Lauer admitted that he’s never seen "Star Wars." It was part of their new segment, "Where In The World Has Matt Lauer Been For The Past 37 Years?"

In Canada, a Budweiser blimp has broken free and is on the loose. Or maybe it’s Rob Ford.

Florida passed a bill that allows gun owners to carry concealed weapons during a state of emergency. By the way, a state of emergency in Florida includes hurricanes, earthquakes, and living in Florida.

This week, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will hold a private wedding ceremony. The private wedding ceremony will be simulcast on E!, TLC, and Bravo.

In Canada, a man named Donald Popadick was arrested for indecent exposure. At least that’s according to the witness, Jennifer YouCallThatADick?

Some doctors are now saying that Viagra is being overprescribed. But, most women are saying, "No it is not."

A number of Los Angeles celebrities have said they’re interested in buying the Clippers. Meanwhile, the Kardashian sisters said they just want to rent them for the night.

According to reports Chase Bank is shutting down hundreds of bank accounts belonging to porn stars. The CEO of Chase Bank said, "We’d rather not handle their deposits." 

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has decided to take a leave of absence to seek help. Specifically, what he’s seeking help with is "getting more crack."

After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said he’s taking a leave of absence. Of course, he’s earned it—the guy has been up since 2004.

Ronald McDonald has recently received a makeover, which includes a new vest and a bow tie.  Not to be outdone, after an operation, the Burger King is now the Burger Queen.

FHM has come out with its annual list of the 100 hottest women. Or as Leonardo DiCaprio calls it, his "to do" list.  

A 15-year-old boy has set the world record for solving a Rubik’s Cube with just one hand. The 15-year-old is less proud of the record he set with his other hand.

April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring small pox.

In Ohio, a student took his great-grandmother to the prom because she never went to her own. Also, he’s a loser.

Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day when Mexico celebrates an important military victory. And for Americans, it’s the day we celebrate the invention of the margarita.

This weekend "Spider-Man 2" earned $92 million at the box office. That makes it the fourth most successful "Spider-Man 2."   


In the Antarctic, a massive ice shelf is melting, which in a few centuries, will leave Florida underwater. But don’t worry—scientists are working hard to make sure that happens a lot sooner.

Over the weekend, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian got married.  During the ceremony, Kim professed her undying love for Kanye – I’m sorry, that was Kanye who professed his undying love for Kanye.

Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the f-word from movies. So now, the Russian version of "The Wolf of Wall Street" is 8 seconds long.

There’s a new trend of people using the "Find My iPhone" app to confront thieves who have stolen their iPhone. This way, instead of just being a robbery victim, you can also be a murder victim.


Michelle Obama’s brother has been fired as the basketball coach at Oregon State. And, like most Americans who lost their job, he blames Obama.

China has reportedly outlawed the consumption of endangered animal products, including tiger penis. This is great news for Chinese children who are tired of being told they can’t have dessert till they finish their tiger penis.

The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! If your Mariachi band didn’t book a gig today, you may want to explore new management.

A new report calls Venezuela the most miserable country on Earth. After hearing this, Kim Jong Un said, "What do I have to do?"

In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is eating chocolate. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton said his guilty pleasure is being Bill Clinton.

An airline will soon offer a first class cabin that includes a three-room suite and a private butler. This new airline is called Not Southwest.


President Obama hosted a Cinco de Mayo party at the White House. The party got so out of hand that the Secretary of Defense is now Mario Lopez. 


A Florida man went to court for the right to marry his laptop computer. He said his laptop computer is just like a wife because whenever he brings it into bed, it freezes.

Monica Lewinsky is in the new issue of "Vanity Fair," talking about the Bill Clinton scandal. Unfortunately, they decided to name the piece, "Monica Opens Up."


There’s a new trend of people using "Find My iPhone" to confront thieves who have stolen their iPhone. This explains the even newer app called, "Find My Stupid Friend Who Went After The Criminal Who Stole His iPhone."

Yesterday on "The Voice," Adam Levine cursed out his fellow judges for mocking his new hair style. In a related story, NBC has officially changed the name of "The Voice" to "The 7th Grade Girls' Bathroom."

In a recent interview, Jessica Alba said she doesn’t do nude scenes because she doesn’t want her grandparents to see her boobs. Now Jessica Alba’s grandparents are receiving death threats.

I generally don’t condone grave robbing, but sometimes a guy just needs a new pair of shoes.

At a recent concert, Miley Cyrus told her fans to smoke weed and kiss members of the same sex. I wonder if she’ll ever break out of the Disney mold.

President Obama is in Los Angeles today. So quick everyone, act busy!

Today, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said "rehab is amazing."  Ford said, "I love it so much, I’m going to do this every year."


In a new biography, Michael Jordan says that as a kid, he saw so much racism that he began to hate "all white people." Jordan said he only started to feel compassion for white people after watching them play basketball. 

Nintendo is refusing to allow players in a new life simulation video game to make their avatars gay.  They’re also canceling their popular "Super Mario" spinoff, "Super Mario: Roommates."

The stock price for Whole Foods has plummeted by 20%. That’s a drop of $9, or the price of one grape at Whole Foods.

A new report found that more 19-year-old women are having sex, but fewer of them are getting pregnant. Which explains why, today, George Clooney broke off his engagement. 

In a recent interview, Larry King said he’s glad to be hosting two shows online. Then someone told Larry that one of those shows was technically just his reflection in the microwave door.

This week is "International Clitoris Awareness Week." Like most men, I was unaware this week even existed.

A new study is saying that women married to men with large penises are more likely to cheat. In other words, you’re looking at a very happily married man.

Astronomers say they have found a planet with an 8-hour day. Even more surprising, at least 6 hours of that day are wasted on Facebook.

On Mother’s Day, moms can eat for free at Hooters. Because there's no better way to honor your mother than to take her to a sexist restaurant and not pay for anything. 

According to a study, the most common present given on Mother’s Day is a gift card for a massage. It’s the perfect gift for the mother who wants to be touched by anyone but your dad. 

A new report says that global warming could cause Boston to end up completely underwater.  Bostonians said, "We’re okay with that as long as happens when the Yankees are in town." 

In New Hampshire, it’s been ruled that a man has the right to keep his license plate that says, "Cops Lie." The man also has the right to get pulled over 18 times a day.

There is now an app that will choose something random for you to watch on Netflix. The app is called "Your Girlfriend."

A man got a tattoo on his leg of KFC Double Down sandwich. The man wanted to do something he’d regret even more than eating a KFC Double Down sandwich.

On a flight to Vegas, flight attendants handcuffed a woman who they caught joining the mile high club.  In other words, her plan worked perfectly.

Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye are not yet married because they are working on their prenup.  Apparently, both sides are fighting over whether the marriage should last 3 months or 4 months. 

Most people don’t know that the "S" in Harry S. Truman stood for "Sharktopus."

Several of the women on my staff call me "Creeper." This is a Minecraft thing, right?

For Mother’s Day I’m giving my wife the one thing she wants from me: space.

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.

Some NFL players criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently NFL players aren’t supposed to be in a gay relationship until they’re sent to prison.

Some NFL players criticized drafting Michael Sam, saying it would change the NFL. It makes sense because men who play for teams with names like the Packers, the Rams and the Bears don’t want to be associated with anything that seems gay.


At an event in Los Angeles last week, Kim Kardashian was told she would not be able to meet President Obama. However, she continues to receive repeated offers to meet with President Clinton.

Dr. Dre may become the world’s first hip-hop billionaire.  So maybe my mom was right—I should’ve become a doctor.


In Colorado, a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high.

Carrie Fisher has reportedly lost 40 pounds for the upcoming Star Wars movie. And Chewbacca got a full Brazilian wax.

Kim Kardashian’s daughter North has reportedly said her first word—"dada." Supposedly, she’s also been calling Bruce Jenner “Grandma.” 


Over the weekend, the Chicago Cubs lost their 10,000th game. The Cubs said they don’t want fans to think about the 10,000th games their team has lost, but to focus on the 100 games they’ve won.

This past quarter, the US Postal Service had a $2 billion loss. Apparently the post office lost all that money because it’s been sending everything FedEx.

Ikea announced it will turn its first store into a museum. It will be called the Metropolitan Museum of Things That Break After Two Years.

In North Dakota, a woman gave birth in a Wal-Mart parking lot.  Which is surprising since you usually find labor at a Home Depot parking lot.

On Mother’s Day, Eminem released a music video for a song which is a public apology to his mother.  No word yet on whether or not Eminem’s mother enjoyed the song, "Sorry I didn’t call, bitch."  

I’m being blackmailed by my mistress. She’s threatening to tell everyone we only get together to play Jenga.

My Starbucks name is dirtier than my porn name.

Overheard Tom Brady brag that he just had a Brazilian who'd just had a Brazilian.

Some Republicans are taking aim at Hillary Clinton's age saying she’ll be almost 70 when she runs.  Republicans said, "Being old and white is our thing!"

An optometrist is saying Google Glass can cause sharp eye pain. Especially when people see you wearing it and punch your face in. 

At the Billboard Music Awards there was a performance by a hologram of Michael Jackson. Some people felt the hologram didn’t look like the real Michael Jackson. Others say Michael Jackson didn’t look like the real Michael Jackson. 


Gay marriage became legal in Oregon. Even more amazing, in Portland, it's mandatory.


The US is accusing Chinese military officials of spying. When asked why they did it, the Chinese officials said, "It’s payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid."

In New Hampshire a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. He’s also publicly apologized to New Hampshire’s entire black community, a guy named "Steve." 

A man from Houston is attempting to visit all the Starbucks locations in the world. It's been four years since he started and he still hasn't left Houston.

The new trend announced by the TV networks for this season is "must-see live events."  Which is why tonight, my show’s going to feature a wedding, two childbirths, and six murders.

Rush Limbaugh has written an award-winning children's book. The book is called, "The Lion, the Witch and Other Things I Saw While I Was On Oxycontin."

A woman in Iowa claims she found marijuana in her McDonald’s burger. Which explains why, right after eating the burger, she went right to Taco Bell. 

At a red carpet event in Cannes, a journalist from Ukraine crawled underneath actress America Ferrera's dress. Today he apologized and said he was just trying to sneak in to America.


The next "Jurassic Park" movie should take place on an island where they’ve revived a working Blockbuster Video.

A new report claims that self-driving cars will be on the road by 2030. So by 2030, wherever we’re going, we’re going to be drunk when we get there.

A Japanese company unveiled a robot that can tell jokes and then detect if the joke was well received. In a related story, I start my shift at Quiznos tomorrow.


A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can't really describe what he does for a living.

Joe Biden said he couldn’t go to the prom but he did invite the girl to come to the White House to meet him in person. When he heard, Bill Clinton said, "that’s how it starts."


The NBA has officially charged Donald Sterling with damaging the league and its players. If found guilty Sterling could be sentenced to "5 to 10 Instagrams with black people."

After a judge’s ruling, gay marriage is now legal in Pennsylvania. So today, a lot of Amish men were raising something other than a barn. 

"Wheel of Fortune" host, Pat Sajak, posted several tweets mocking people who believe in global warming.   The tweet was hard to understand because Sajak didn’t buy any vowels. 


This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik’s Cube. If you kids don’t know what a Rubik’s Cube is, it’s what people used to stare at to avoid human interaction before cell phones.

Medical researchers now say dogs can sniff out prostate cancer. So finally... now we know what they’re doing down there.

A new study of online dating profiles says that men have success when they use the phrase "physically fit." And women have success when they use the phrase, "I'm a woman."

The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years.  When asked why, the FBI said, "Because we couldn’t find anyone who hasn’t smoked pot in the last three years."


In Houston a man is suing a stripper to get his "Harry Potter" DVDs back. I say the man got what he deserves for going to a strip club and making it rain "Harry Potter" DVDs.


"Wheel of Fortune" host Pat Sajak mocked people who believe in global warming. In response, climate scientists told Sajak they’d like to buy an "F" and a "U."


In Iran, six people were arrested for dancing to Pharrell Williams’ song "Happy." Iran’s chief of police said, "It isn’t for religious reasons, I’m just so sick of that song."

In Nashville, a woman named Peyton Manning was arrested for possession of cocaine. Either that, or the football player Peyton Manning really likes to switch thing up in the off season. 

In Japan, a college named Kinki University has decided to change its name. They went with the less controversial University of Freak In The Sheets.

In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said she wouldn't rule out running for office someday. Jolie said she’ll wait until her children are grown up and make up 51% of the voting population.


A cop in New Jersey has been removed from duty after he was caught masturbating in a Starbucks.  He’s also been banned from Starbucks for making his own froth.

A recent study finds that laughing can help you get pregnant. Which is why I’m known as the "condom of comedy."

It’s been reported that Beyoncé gets paid $100,000 just to sit in the front row of a fashion show. Meanwhile, her sister Solange is getting paid that amount by Jay-Z to "take the stairs."

Trader Joe's has recalled thousands of pounds of hummus. The story was reported in this morning’s "Emergency News for White People."

This week, "The Price is Right" fans were upset when the show was interrupted by a speech from President Obama. Which is why today, it was reported that Obama’s approval rating has "COME ON DOWN!"


The White House website has a feature where you can go on a virtual tour of the White House. So far the most popular destinations are the Lincoln Bedroom, the Bill Clinton bedroom and the Hillary Clinton Bedroom.

In a new interview about the Donald Sterling scandal, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said, "I know I’m prejudiced, too." In fact, Cuban admitted he’s so racist, he’s trying to have his last name deported.

A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So I’m starting to think maybe it’s the car that has the problem.

The manager of Mexico’s World Cup team has banned them from having sex during the Cup. When he said this, the players called him an "AssHOOOOOOOOAL!!!!"

The Spurs have the best team/lamest name ratio since the Davenport Shoelaces.

Here is my one sentence, all-purpose commencement speech: Now get out there and do stuff until you die.

"Game of Thrones" Spoiler Alert: Last night's episode contained violence and some nudity.

In Texas, a family was attacked by a swarm of bees in a town called Beeville. The family said they’re fed up with Beeville, and are moving to Wolfetown.

A porn star announced she is running against Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in the upcoming election.  She’s already been endorsed by Rob Ford.

Apple announced a new feature that will let your iPhone track your health and monitor your diet.  Or you can pay extra for an iPhone that minds its own friggin’ business. 

The Los Angeles Kings won in overtime to advance to the Stanley Cup finals.  When they heard the news, people in LA ran into the street and started shouting, "What’s hockey?!"  

President Obama says his dream is to take a stroll by himself away from the White House.  After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "I should have told him about my secret tunnel."

Over the weekend, Donald Sterling visited an African-American church. In a related story, Donald Sterling is missing. 

The Chinese government has banned the use of Google. An official from the Chinese government said, "Google reads people’s emails and tracks their movement, and that’s OUR thing!"

Spain’s King Juan Carlos has stepped down from the throne to make way for his son, who’s more popular. Which would be the worst "Game of Thrones" episode ever. 


Using advanced facial recognition software, the NSA is collecting millions of images of people's faces a day. And that’s just to keep up with Bruce Jenner.  

A new study found that people who watch a lot of porn have smaller brains. So now we know why the plots are always so simple.

According to a new poll, Donald Sterling has just passed Justin Bieber as the most hated man in America. When he heard this, Justin Bieber was thrilled that he’s finally being considered a man.

During a recent mass, Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should "have a kid, and then get back to us."   

There’s reportedly a film in the works about Edward Snowden. Then, today, the script was leaked by Edward Snowden.

A new study shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly.  Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

In Arizona, a Republican named Scott Fistler changed his name to Cesar Chavez in hopes of getting more Hispanic votes. Today he was deported.

NASA announced that they’ve figured out a way to put wireless internet on the moon. This is great news for astronauts working on their screenplays.

A new report out of Chicago reveals that the crime rate plummets during an NFL game. Mainly because the most dangerous criminals are busy on the field.


At a zoo in England, an elephant has taken the world’s first "elephant selfie." Either that, or someone just took the world’s biggest dick pic.

Thailand’s military leaders are warning protesters to stop making the three-fingered salute from "The Hunger Games." And they’re giving orders to shoot on sight anyone who sings "Let It Go" from "Frozen." 

The co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. He was caught during a sting operation.

Scientists at MIT have created a suit that simulates the feeling of being an 80-year-old man. Unfortunately, the guy testing the suit has wandered off. 

In her new book, Hillary Clinton said she has "moved on" from the Monica Lewinsky scandal.  For more, read Bill Clinton’s new book, "No, She Hasn’t." 


NASA has reportedly found a way to put wireless Internet on the moon. So now the moon is identical to Starbucks, except it costs less money to go to the moon.

Later this week, NASA is testing an aircraft that is shaped like a flying saucer and they’re sending it over Hawaii. Just for fun, nobody tell Hawaii. 

Prosecutors in the murder trial of former football star Aaron Hernandez are now saying his tattoos may be evidence of guilt. Particularly the one on his forearm that says, "I killed that dude." 

Last week, a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to, she was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew, she was at the top of Mount Everest.

Over the weekend, much of the cast of "Jersey Shore" reunited for JWoww's baby shower. And also because they heard there would be food and shelter.


The co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee.  He says everyone should mind their own beeswax. 

The co-founder of Burt’s Bees said he was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. In his defense, he was just trying to explain to her the story of the burts and the bees. 

The co-founder of Burt’s Bees says he was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. That explains the name of his new company, Burt’s Double D’s.

Justin Bieber responded to an old video of him making a racist comment by posting a Bible verse on Instagram. Then someone had to tell him that "bitches be trippin'" is not a Bible verse.

Donald Sterling has agreed to sell the LA Clippers for $2 billion. Let that be a lesson to you kids: if you make racist remarks to your mistress, you’ll get a check for $2 billion dollars.

A Japanese clothing company has been criticized for labeling its sizes "skinny," "fat" and "jumbo." After a huge outcry, they changed the sizes to "small," "medium," and "American."

The Los Angeles Kings won game one of the Stanley Cup Finals in overtime. Fans in LA went crazy after they heard about it this morning at work.

When asked about criticism from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he doesn’t like to argue with women. Putin is either being a misogynist, or, ladies, he’s the perfect catch. 

NASA has figured out a way to get wifi on the moon. Finally, a safe place for married guys to watch porn.

In California, a lawmaker is proposing a bill that would require college students to give written consent before having sex with each other. And you thought condoms were a mood killer.

A new survey shows two-thirds of American adults pee in the ocean. So good news — maybe it’s not global warming that’s making the sea levels rise.

50 Cent is blaming his terrible first pitch at the Met’s game last week on excessive masturbation. I just feel sorry for whoever caught the ball.

Scientists have found a 16-foot shark they call the "Colossal Great White." By the way, Colossal Great White used to be my porn name. 

This weekend, an Australian man was arrested for driving a motorized beer cooler while intoxicated. The man was detained by police, and then made Prime Minister of Australia.

Over the weekend, Israel held its first ever Burning Man festival. Of course in Israel they call it, "Oy, the heat!"

This week, Hillary Clinton launches the tour for her new book. When he heard, Bill Clinton said, "I am so proud of her, and what day exactly is she leaving on that tour?"

In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said that she and her husband were dead broke when they left the White House. Hillary said things were so bad the two of them had to share a bedroom.

Scientists have developed a robot than can converse like a teenager.  When the scientists unveiled the robot, it screamed "I hate you" and slammed the door to its room.

The winner of the Miss USA pageant is Miss Nevada and she has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Actually, she wasn’t technically the winner, but she made the winner give her the crown. 

In Quebec, three inmates escaped a prison by helicopter. Prison officials grew suspicious when they noticed the inmates building a helicopter. 


In North Carolina, an obese man was caught hiding 40 bags of heroin in the folds of his stomach.  Something tells me he’s not on heroin.

In Spain, someone opened a 5 star resort for dogs. When asked how they heard about the resort, most dogs said, "Yelp."

One of the top people in a Mexican drug cartel is a woman who apparently looks exactly like Kim Kardashian. The only difference is the head of the drug cartel has a job and is less of a threat to America.

Donald Sterling has reversed his decision to sell the Clippers to the former CEO of Microsoft. Sterling said he changed his mind when he learned the Microsoft Paper Clip Guy was half black.

The LA Kings are one game away from winning their second Stanley Cup in three years. In other cities when the hockey team wins the championship, rowdy fans overturn cars. In Los Angeles rowdy fans unplug cars.

It’s been reported that since leaving the White House the Clintons have made over $100 million dollars in speaking fees.  Apparently, they’ll speak to anyone but each other.

In her new memoir, Hillary Clinton said the Obama campaign wanted her to attack Sarah Palin. And so did her husband Bill, but only because he loves a good catfight.

If Donald Sterling gets his way, the deal will fall through and Steve Ballmer won’t be able to buy the Clippers. When asked about it, the former Microsoft CEO said, "It’s okay, I’m used to things freezing and then crashing."

A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It’s part of Whole Foods’ new slogan, "You’d have to be drunk to pay these prices."

This weekend, police caught a burglar because he was wearing the woman’s swimsuit that he stole. So now the man’s been imprisoned - and yet also, strangely freed.

Reality Check: I was around in 1973 and saw absolutely no signs of X-Men from the future.

Yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz renounced his Canadian citizenship. That’s right Canada, we took Ted Cruz back, so now take back Justin Bieber.

In New York City, four strippers were arrested for drugging wealthy men and running their credit cards for thousands of dollars. The sad part is that wealthy men may never be able to trust strippers again.

Ford is teaming up with Heinz Ketchup to make a car parts out of tomatoes. So it’s official, Americans will put ketchup on anything. 


The Spurs beat the Heat in Game 3 of the NBA Finals.  People in LA said, "That’s nice but this week we’re a 'hockey town.'"


For the second time in two days, President Obama snuck out of the White House.  After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, "In my day we snuck people into the White House."

After the recent prisoner exchange, Obama’s approval rating with Americans has fallen to its lowest point so far. On the bright side, his approval rating with the Taliban is through the roof. 

A Tea Party candidate won Virginia’s Republican primary mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state’s slogan from "Virginia is for lovers," to "Virginia is for lovers who habla inglés. Comprende?" 

In a new statement, Donald Sterling calls the NBA "hypocrites" and "despicable monsters." Which, by the way would be two AMAZING names for NBA expansion teams.

Several teams have forbidden their players from having sex during the World Cup. Wow, so I guess during college I was technically a World Cup soccer star.

Brazilian officials have asked all tourists not to fight or scream if they get mugged. They’ve also asked people to please not die if they get murdered.

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn’t that crazy? Florida has a library! 

Experts say the US soccer team has a less than 1% chance of winning the World Cup, and even their coach has said winning is not realistic. All of which sounds like one hell of a pre-game pep talk.


Since House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost to an anti-immigration candidate, many Republicans are feeling more pressure to take a harder stance on immigration. In fact, Republicans are so paranoid, that today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga. 

Texas Governor Rick Perry said being gay is like being an alcoholic. He said, "In both cases, you’re sipping something you shouldn’t."

Former President George H. W. Bush turned 90 today and celebrated by going skydiving. So if you include Obama, there were two presidents in free-fall today.

According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately when the cars crashed, they were all going 8 miles per hour.

A team of scientists has recreated a deadly virus resembling the 1918 Spanish flu that killed 50 million people. This team of scientists is known as “a bunch of dicks.”


World Cup Soccer in Brazil: come for the action, stay because you’ve been murdered.

Guys named Guy must hate it when people pronounce their name guy.

For Father’s Day, I’m going to bring a smile to my Dad’s face by calling him and pretending to be one of my other brothers.

Scientists are developing a "super banana" that’s packed with more vitamins.  In other words, they’ve stolen my pick-up line from college.

A lot of World Cup soccer players have been faking injuries to draw a penalty from the other team.  Meanwhile, a lot of Americans have been faking following the World Cup. 

Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, "I picked the Miami Heat, and look how that turned out."

Today, the LA Kings held a parade showing off the Stanley Cup. Usually when thousands of people in Los Angeles are lined up to see a cup it’s at Starbucks.


This morning, Mitt Romney said that Hillary Clinton is "clueless." When he heard, Bill Clinton said, "I wish."

A new poll shows Bill Clinton is the most admired president of the last 25 years. When asked for comment, Bill Clinton said, "I’ll give you a poll to admire." 

President Obama’s daughter Malia has gotten her first summer job, working on a TV show. So things are about to get really awkward at "The O'Reilly Factor." 

Former WWE legend Pat Patterson officially came out on a wrestling TV show as gay. His fellow wrestlers said they suspected something when Patterson unveiled his signature move, "The Jazz Hands of Death."

Last night, 7 million people watched the "Game of Thrones" season finale. To break that down for you, that’s one viewer per "Game of Thrones" character.  


Several protesters at the World Cup got into trouble for burning American flags. It’s a shame, because children in China worked very hard to make those flags.

This weekend in California, a man used a fake gun to rob a real gun store. Nobody was hurt, but everyone was embarrassed.

Justin Bieber posted a picture of himself on Instagram with Chris Brown.  When asked if he’s worried about hanging around with such a bad influence, Chris Brown said, "Not really."


Today in the World Cup, Mexico played Brazil. I was torn because I love Mexican food, but I also just got a Brazilian.

Today, Mexico and Brazil ended in a zero zero tie – fun fact, both teams were ordered by their coaches to abstain from sex. In other words, these guys can’t score on or off the field.

Yesterday, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani tweeted a picture of himself all alone watching the World Cup game on television. Then, he watched his favorite show, "It’s Always Sunni in Philadelphia."

At the LA Kings rally yesterday, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti dropped the F-bomb. The mayor of New York was angry and said, “First they steal our Stanley Cup, then our favorite word.” 


This morning, the Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic, and said, "so they finally got Hillary."

Starbucks announced it’s going to make it possible for thousands of its employees to go to college. The CEO said, "There’s nothing like a 4-year liberal arts degree to ensure they’ll end up back here working at Starbucks."


In Alabama, an appeals court overturned the state's ban on gay sex. When they heard the news, gay people said, "thanks, but we're still not moving to Alabama."

Amazon introduced its own smartphone. You can tell it’s from Amazon because after you hang up with someone, the Amazon phone suggests other people you may want to call.

President Obama’s approval rating in the US is at its lowest point ever, 41%. After hearing this, the president said, "When did I become less popular in this country than soccer?" 

Melanie Griffith has erased her Antonio Banderas tattoo.  So she and I no longer have that in common.

Hillary Clinton was asked if she would ever smoke pot if it became legal and she said, "I didn’t do it when I was young and I’m not going to start now."  Bill Clinton said, “That’s her standard answer for everything.”

The U.S. vs. Ghana World Cup game drew a record 15.9 million American viewers. This breaks the old record of Americans watching soccer by 15.8 million viewers.

Match.com is charging $5,000.00 to set you up with someone who looks like your ex. And you wouldn’t believe how many guys on Match.com once dated Kate Upton.

In Croatia at an animal sanctuary, two bears have been engaging in oral sex.  Zookeepers got them to stop by making the bears get married.


Still no luck starting this new scooter powered exclusively by Kanye West’s humility.

Jeopardy host Alex Trebek set the Guinness World Record for hosting the most episodes of a game show ever. Trebek responded to the news by saying, "What is 'Eat me, Sajak?'"

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino was arrested for getting in a fight with his brother at a tanning salon. This marks a disturbing trend in orange-on-orange violence.


In Fresno, California, a man was found to be running a meth lab at a retirement community. Or as he was known to residents, "The guy who stays up until 8."

Boxing champ Floyd Mayweather posted on his Instagram that a half dressed woman is “asking to be disrespected.” This from a guy who wears only shorts to work.

This weekend in Oklahoma, authorities arrested a man for masturbating at a Wal-Mart. Now that’s what I call a greeter who’s REALLY glad to see you.

Grover Norquist wants to rename the Redskins, the "Washington Reagans." So they’ll at least be able to beat Grenada.

A tie score doesn't feel right. Who do I taunt?

The FDA is approving a device that tells you when you've had enough to eat. The device is called "a belt."

During the World Cup this weekend, Honduras scored a goal for the first time in 32 years. By the way, in soccer, going 32 years without scoring is known as "pulling a Conan."


In a new interview, Sting said he won’t be leaving his kids any money in his will. Sting’s kids said they’d like to sue their dad, but they don’t know his last name.

After a tie with Portugal, the US soccer team now faces Germany on Thursday. If the US team beats Germany, they advance, and if they lose, Americans go back to hating soccer.

President Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because it builds character. The President then announced he’ll be raising the minimum wage to $50 an hour.

Today, Vice President Joe Biden called himself "the poorest man in Congress." Usually in Washington when you hear, "that poor guy," it refers to the person stuck in a conversation with Joe Biden. 

Starbucks introduced new decaf soda today, it comes in three flavors: spiced root beer, golden ginger ale and lemon ale. It comes in three sizes: grande, venti and "Can I have the bathroom key?"


Over the weekend, the Pope implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing.

In Texas, a day care center is being accused of duct-taping children to their mats for nap time. Parents were outraged and also wanted to know if it worked.

A new study found that one night stands are not emotionally harmful to some people. Those people are called "men."

I’m halfway through Hillary Clinton’s book. I don’t want to ruin the ending but I bet she kills this guy “Bill."

A new study reveals women are attracted to a man who’s already had a girlfriend or two. Coincidentally, men are also attracted to a woman who’s had a girlfriend or two. 

The NASA Mars Rover celebrated being on Mars for an entire year by snapping a selfie. If it makes it another year, the Rover has promised a dick pic.

In the World Cup match today, Uruguay’s Luis Suarez bit a player from Italy's team, and it’s the third time he’s done it. In fact, last time, he bit a Chinese player, then claimed he was hungry an hour later. 

Political analysts are saying Hillary Clinton should stop telling people she’s poor. And Bill Clinton should stop telling people he’s single.

Yesterday, Michelle Obama says she wants Americans to elect a woman president "as soon as possible." Man, so even she’s had enough of President Obama. 

Yesterday, Starbucks introduced their new decaf soda, called Fizzio. "Fizzio" is an Italian word that means, "Tastes okay, costs too much."


This week, Queen Elizabeth visited the set of "Games of Thrones." Unfortunately, she joined in on one of the nude scenes. 

It’s hard to believe that Los Angeles was settled in 1956 by the Dutch.

Floating in another galaxy, scientists have found a diamond the size of Earth. In a related story, Beyoncé is building a spaceship.

There’s a US Soccer fan in Brazil getting some attention for dressing up like Teddy Roosevelt and going by the name Teddy Goalsevelt. Much less popular is Germany’s #1 soccer fan, Adolf Kickler.

After finishing in last place, England was knocked out of the World Cup.  It’s the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of Game of Thrones.

Both the US and German teams have very good goalies, so many are predicting a very low scoring game. So don’t expect to see one of those 1-0 blowouts.

The official 2014 World Cup anthem is "We Will Find a Way." It narrowly beat out the other potential anthem, "I Feel Someone’s Teeth in My Shoulder."

Luis Suárez, the Uruguayan World Cup player who bit an opponent, may get a two-year ban from the game. On the plus side, he has just signed a million-dollar endorsement deal with rabies.

A judge has ordered the government  to tell people why they’ve been put on the no-fly list. And, they have to give a better reason than "You look a little Taliban-y."

A top Green Beret was forced to resign after he admitted to having an affair with a reporter while serving in Afghanistan. In happier news, the Green Beret and Wolf Blitzer will marry in the fall. 

In New York, a boat crashed because its captain was busy having a threesome. By the way, the boat’s name is, "The S.S. Totally Worth It."

I hope the new "Scooby-Doo" reboot is a dark, gritty exploration of Scooby's homicidal anger towards Scrappy-Doo.

FIFA has announced that Luis Suárez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for 9 games. Or as Suárez put it, 9 meals.

The US lost to Germany today, but because FIFA rules dictate that teams get one point for a tie, three points for a win and zero points for a loss, AND both the US and Portugal had a score of four… and because the US team had a higher goal differential, the US still advances. And that, ladies and gentlemen, in a nutshell, is why Americans don’t follow soccer.

Ever since Colorado legalized marijuana, the number of pot DUIs has nearly doubled. Even worse, when patrolmen ask "Do you know how fast you were driving?" the person usually answers, "I was driving?"

Newly revealed video shows a Fox News anchor at an airport becoming belligerent and fighting with cops. Or as that’s known at Fox News, "an audition tape."

He’s going to be okay, but a man walked into a McDonald's in New York City with a knife in his back. Doctors say the man’s heart wasn’t in danger until he ordered the food. When asked if he wanted fries, he said "No thanks, I’m trying to cut back."


Lindsay Lohan is going to be making her stage debut in London. Lohan is looking forward to England, because she already drives on the wrong side of the road. 

Optimists own garbage cans. Pessimists own garbage can’ts.

Just read an alarming statistic: by the age of four, the average child has already seen over 3,000 hours of GEICO commercials.

IKEA is giving its US workers a raise. The CEO said, "We want IKEA workers to stick around longer than IKEA products."

My kids have really been inspired by this year's World Cup. My son just bit our dog.

I'm going to miss the World Cup when it's over. It'll be hard to go into a bar & not hear people yelling about something I don't understand.

I buy all my flags on July 5th.

DON'T watch "The 4th of Julie", it is NOT about our country's independence. Deleting browser history now.

Sure, the Silver Surfer is a cool comic book character, but I prefer the Pewter Boogie Boarder.

I always thought that "Irish step dancing" should be called "Irish, stop dancing."

I’m having martial problems. That’s not a typo, I have trouble conducting myself properly during wartime.

Scientists have developed a robot specifically to write Jewish Torah scrolls. You can see the whole story in the upcoming movie, "Schwartz Circuit."

This weekend, "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" was the #1 movie at the box office. In other talking ape news, Bravo has renewed "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."


In a speech, Pope Francis suggested the Catholic Church may change its policy on priestly celibacy. So soon, priests may be shouting God’s name at work and at home.

Germany is considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on.  It’s never good news when Germany says, "We’re going to go back to our old ways."

According to a new book, Michelle Obama’s nickname for Hillary Clinton is "Hildebeest." The book also says her nickname for Joe Biden is, "Oh sh**, here comes Joe Biden." 


In New York, a man spent $500,000 to turn his basement into a replica of the Enterprise Bridge from "Star Trek." After that, he’s going to build a replica of a woman.

This weekend, a Baltimore Ravens cornerback became the fifth Raven to be arrested this off-season. On the upside, the Baltimore State Prison is about to have one hell of a football team.

Khloe Kardashian’s ex-husband, Lamar Odom, has been cut from the New York Knicks. It’s the second time this year Lamar has gotten dumped by a big loser.  


Scientists revealed that an apple a day could improve a woman’s sexual satisfaction. Apparently the scientists have never heard of something called, "a banana."

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes has some pretty crass product placement, especially the scene where the apes start wearing Skechers.

In Delaware, a couple was arrested for having sex on the roof of a Chipotle. A spokesman for Chipotle said, "That’s not what we meant by ‘Choose Your Own Filling.'"

Now that marijuana is legal in Washington State, a new service is offering to deliver it to your home. Their motto is, "If it’s not there in 30 minutes… I mean, like, what is time anyway, dude?"

According to a dating app, Amazon employees are more desirable than employees at other tech companies. Plus, if you sleep with one, they’ll recommend someone else you might also like sleeping with.

To avoid being spied on by the NSA, Germany is considering using typewriters to communicate. Germany says they may even go further back, and start using AOL accounts.

In an interview, Pope Francis suggested that the Catholic Church may allow priests to marry. He said, "If there’s one thing that helps people stay celibate, it’s being married."

A Fox News host is under fire for using an offensive term towards Chinese people. It didn’t help that in his defense he said, "Me play joke."

Authorities at the airport in Los Angeles intercepted an illegal shipment of 67 live giant African snails. It is being called the world’s slowest perp walk.

Kim Kardashian has a new iPhone app that experts say could make her $200 million dollars this year. But keep in mind she has to give 10% to her agent, 10% to her manager, and 10% to Satan.

In recent speeches, President Obama has been calling on Americans to stop being so cynical. He’s probably getting paid to say that.

The U.S. Census Bureau has found that only 1.6% of adults identify themselves as gay. In other words, there are a lot of straight guys out there doing a lot of really gay stuff.

A major wildfire in Northern California is being blamed on marijuana farmers.  Everyone in the region is really angry about it, unless they’re downwind.

Tonight PBS is airing a show that explores the sex lives of kangaroos. The show is called, "That’s Not My Pouch."


There’s currently a petition to split California into several states. Among the new states would be Botoxia, Pornsylvania, and the Commonwealth of Kardashia.

Because of the severity of the drought in California, all water-wasting activity is going to be banned by August 1st. That’s right, the drought is so bad we’re taking extreme measures in two weeks.

Some people are critical of Hillary Clinton’s speaking fee. The University of Buffalo reportedly paid Hillary Clinton $275,000 to speak. And apparently, Joe Biden got $300,000 not to speak.

In a new interview, Dick Cheney said he thinks Barack Obama may be the worst president of his lifetime.  Then today, Cheney got a thank you note from Jimmy Carter.

Starbucks is opening its first stores in the nation of Colombia. Finally someone is bringing coffee to Colombia.

Yesterday in Seattle, a man set his home on fire trying to kill a spider with a can of spray paint and a lighter. On the bright side, the spider is definitely dead. 

Last night PBS aired a show that explores the sex lives of kangaroos. The show is called, "Two In The Pouch, One In The Ouch."


Good news — a new study confirms that, contrary to popular belief, humans use more than 10% of their brains. Bad news — we use it to watch "Duck Dynasty."

Lady Gaga agreed to make a $250,000 donation to assist California drought relief. Gaga also agreed to stop watering her hats. 

The New York Times reported that Rupert Murdoch is determined to buy Time Warner, the company I work for, which means it’s possible I could soon be working for Fox. I have no idea if this is going to happen, but just to be safe, I think President Obama is a socialist from Kenya.

Many people are criticizing the new Airbnb logo for resembling a vagina. It doesn’t help that Airbnb’s new slogan is, "Want a warm place to stay?"

Not sure I’m on board with the idea of "6 Californias." But I am very interested in the idea of 35 Rhode Islands.

The U.S. Census bureau found that only 7% of Americans identify themselves as bisexual. This is shocking news to anyone who watches porn.

Hostess is bringing back the chocolate covered Twinkie. Anyone looking to eat healthy should just stick to the regular Twinkie.

The storyline of the upcoming "Star Wars" movie has been leaked. The movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca and Han Solo waking up in Vegas.

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden says that the military often shared nude photos that Americans had sexted to one another. So if your girlfriend won’t send you naked pictures, just tell her, "Do it for the troops."


Officials are concerned that people in Los Angeles are too apathetic about the drought. Of course that’ll change next week when they announce the drought is killing all the marijuana crops. 

The company that owns Six Flags amusement parks has suffered a nearly 10% drop in revenue. As the drop began, Six Flags stockholders raised their arms and started screaming.

In a new interview, Bill Clinton said he doesn’t know if his wife is going to run for president. Clinton said, "I don’t know what she’s up to and thank god she doesn’t know what I’m up to."

Scientists have invented a cheese that even vegans can eat. Now scientists are working on inventing a vegan who doesn’t ask the waiter a million questions.

It’s been announced that in the new Fox series "Gotham," Batman will not appear. However, there will be a lot of scenes of Robin saying, "Guys, I swear he’ll be here any minute..."

The Chicago Cubs are suing a person responsible for a fake Cubs mascot that got into a bar fight. The Cubs knew it wasn’t their official mascot because it actually won the fight.

The new iPhone is expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. The new iPhone will be called, "Last Year’s Samsung Galaxy."

John Boehner is blaming President Obama for the border crisis. Boehner is also blaming Obama for global warming, tensions in the Middle East and the latest "Transformers" movie.  


This drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children.

In a recent interview a professor from UC Berkley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years.  Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again."

Due to the drought, officials are urging people in California to take common-sense measures like showering less. However, they might change their minds on that after this weekend’s Comic-Con.

KFC and McDonalds apologized after their meat suppliers were videotaped packaging meat that had fallen on the floor. Both restaurants pledged to stop buying meat from the company known as "The Five Second Rule Ranch."

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you’ve been watching. You just click the button that says, "I want to stay married."

A 105-year-old woman threw out the first pitch at Sunday's game between the New York Mets & the San Diego Padres. Then, the Mets brought her in for the 8th inning. 

Here in Southern California, a woman caught shoplifting at a Macy’s fought with security guards and ran off topless. There were plenty of witnesses but no one got a look at her face. 

The author of the book "Fight Club" announced he’s coming out with a sequel. Unfortunately, he won’t talk about it.

According to a poll, about a third of couples who attend Comic-Con met there. And the most common pick up line they used was, "Your parents basement or mine?"

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is being accused of ethics violations. If the charges prove true, the Governor of New York would be forced to step down and become the Governor of New Jersey.

The Crocs company is in such financial trouble, they’re closing dozens of stores. Of course here’s another idea to help them out: "Stop making Crocs."

Scientists say chances are good that the California drought will continue into the next year. Or as we say here in Hollywood, it’s been renewed for another season.

Tomorrow is the start of Comic-Con. You can tell because San Diego prostitutes are holding up signs advertising a "First Timer Special."


President Obama is in Los Angeles today for a fundraising tour. I don’t want to say traffic is bad, but right now I’m actually stuck on the freeway, Skyping this show from my car.

A new investigation found that people are using fake IDs to sign up for Obamacare. I'm sorry, but today's teenagers do not know how to party. 

In Florida, a couple was arrested for having sex on a beach for 25 minutes in front of dozens of witnesses. That’s crazy: You can’t have sex for 25 minutes.

A new study shows you need 7 hours of sleep a night, not 8, as previously thought. Which means my parents no longer have an excuse for not watching my show.

Snoop Lion claimed that he once smoked pot in the White House. Then his friends told him that wasn’t the White House, it was a White Castle with an American flag.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, the parents from "19 Kids and Counting," are having their 30th wedding anniversary. They’re planning to celebrate with a romantic dinner, a moonlit walk, and, god willing, a condom.

"Orange Is the New Black" has helped usher in a new TV trend called binge-watching. This blends nicely with another popular trend in America: unemployment.

People asked me how I was able to get the cast of "Orange Is the New Black" to come to the show. Well, it wasn’t easy - it cost me 200 cigarettes and a tampon.

Tonight we have the cast of "Orange Is the New Black." Coincidentally, "Orange Is the New Black" was the pick-up line I used in college.


For those of you who don’t know, "Orange Is the New Black" features a cast of ruthless women who are constantly at each other’s throats - and for once, I’m not talking about "The View."

"Orange Is the New Black" is not the first show I’ve watched about a women’s prison. However, it is the first show about a women’s prison I didn’t have to delete from my browser history.


The US Army has redesigned its camouflage uniforms. The announcement was made today by a floating head.

Yesterday was President Obama’s 53rd birthday. He made a wish, blew out the candles on his cake, and then said, "Damn, I’m still president." His age is now higher than his approval rating.

Plans are being made for a big birthday party next month for Chris Christie. The fun part is when they surprise Christie by having a cake burst out of a stripper.

In a recent statement, President Obama said Russia is a country that "doesn’t make anything." Vladimir Putin said, "That’s not true, we’re making the Ukraine into Russia."

A Republican Congressman has accused Democrats of waging a "war on whites." As proof, he pointed to the recent bombing of the kale aisle of a Trader Joe’s.

Scrabble is adding 5,000 new words, including words like chillax and selfie. So, kids, there’s never been a better time to challenge your grandparents to a game of Scrabble. 

LinkedIn has agreed to pay a $6 million settlement to employees. Unfortunately, the employees haven’t heard about it, because like everyone else, they automatically delete all emails from LinkedIn.

Some McDonald's drive-thrus are guaranteeing orders in 60-seconds or less. This is great news for anyone in a real hurry to get the wrong order. 

In North Carolina, a restaurant owner is giving diners a 15% discount if they pray before eating. Not because he’s religious, but because he failed his health inspection.

This week, a giant tortoise was on the loose here in Southern California. Drivers on the freeway were shocked to see something moving so quickly.

Uber has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It’s a cutting edge new technology called, "taking the bus."

Rupert Murdoch has decided not to buy the company I work for, Time Warner. In other words, he watched last night’s show.

The Pope came out with 10 tips for happiness. Surprisingly, number eight was Jell-O shots.

A Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion passwords. But don’t worry, all 1.2 billion passwords were stolen from one guy who watches a lot of porn. 

First Lady Michelle Obama and former First Lady Laura Bush came together today to promote education. Mrs. Obama called for educating girls in the developing world, while Mrs. Bush said she’d settle for "educating my husband."

According to a new survey, 50% of people believe robots will actually create more jobs in the long run. When they heard this, robots said, "OH GOOD – THEY’RE BUYING IT."

The San Antonio Spurs have made history by becoming the first team in the NBA to hire a female assistant coach. She’s the first woman to get close to that many NBA players without being a Kardashian.


Today it was announced that Israel and Hamas have begun "indirect negotiations" to reduce hostilities. Or as we used to call that at the O’Brien home, "Thanksgiving."

Yesterday, photos were leaked of the Dallas Cowboys owner, 71-year-old Jerry Jones, with two much younger women. The photos were leaked by Jerry Jones.

To anyone in that Russian crime ring that stole all those passwords: can you help me get into my Pinterest account?

Recently, NASA has been running tests to see how well Google Glass will work in space. It’s all part of NASA’s plan to put a douchebag on the moon.

A Russian man has repelled a bear attack by playing his Justin Bieber ringtone. The man’s okay, but the bear is in critical condition.

A man set a new Guinness World Record by solving five Rubik’s Cubes in one minute and 18 seconds underwater. The previous record was held by nobody. 

According to a new survey, teenagers believe the five most influential Americans are all YouTube stars. So, in other words, we’re about 15 years away from our President being a guy who gets hit in the balls with a skateboard.

60% of Americans say they believe the nation is in a state of decline. The other 40% didn’t know what "decline" meant.

If you’re wondering what I was like in college, one time I had a pregnancy scare with my pillow.

Today, a historian told me the real Sam Adams never actually brewed a Blueberry Oatmeal Summer Stout.

I named my dog "Spot." It doesn’t sound hip but it’s short for "Spotify."

Still no listeners for my new podcast about all my favorite podcasts.

Hillary Clinton has been calling President Obama's foreign policy a "failure." So she either wants to be President, or a Fox News anchor.

One month into legally selling marijuana, Washington state has sold more than $3.8 million worth of weed. Now if they could just remember where they put the money.

A political analyst called Hillary Clinton's recent comments on the Middle East, "very provocative." When asked for comment, Bill Clinton said, "You just ruined the word 'provocative' for me."


In a new survey, United was named America’s worst airline. Or as United was trying to spin it today, "America’s Fastest Bus Service."


The US Postal Service has lost $2 billion this Spring. Postal officials are busy emailing each other wondering how this could happen.

This weekend, New York hosted the 25th Annual Scrabble Championship. The Scrabble champion gets their choice of $100,000 – or the touch of another human being.

 Yesterday, Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, said that racy photos of him with strippers have "misrepresented" him. Jones said, "I’m not usually that happy."


 A recent study reveals women prefer a penis that is proportional to body size. Another study says, most women define "proportional," as "way bigger."

Yesterday, Bruce Jenner was pulled over for speeding. The cops gave Jenner a ticket, because his current face doesn’t match his driver’s license photo. 

The creators of Siri are working on a new digital assistant that will make up for Siri’s shortcomings, named Viv. Before you dump Siri for Viv, just remember, Siri still has all your dick pics.

The Kardashians were robbed, and now they are refusing to air the new season of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" until the police find who robbed them. Which explains why today, the police stopped looking. 

Since January, Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That’s in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos.

Hillary Clinton and President Obama have been publicly feuding about foreign policy, but Hillary Clinton says they’re going to see each other at a party tomorrow, and they plan on "hugging it out." When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, "Oh, so it’s that kind of party." 

In a new survey, United was named America’s worst airline. Or as United reported it, "We’re #1!" 

Dallas Cowboy Orlando Scandrick tested positive for ecstasy, and today, he was suspended for four games. Scandrick said he’s not upset because… he’s on ecstasy. 

Smokey Bear just celebrated his 70th birthday. Smokey says he now puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them.

Customs officials found $40,000 in cash in the bra and girdle of a 78-year-old woman. At least they think it’s that much money - no one really wants to go in there and check.

Scientists have figured out how to suppress the appetites of mice. They bring them to a Long John Silver’s.

A California school district has stopped using a sex-ed textbook because it discusses vibrators. This came after complains that students were up all night cramming.

A 14-year-old Texas boy lived in a Wal-Mart for four days before he was discovered. Employees got suspicious when they noticed something in a Wal-Mart that was made in America.

After attacking President Obama’s foreign policy, Hillary Clinton now says she wants to "hug it out." When he heard this, Bill Clinton told the President, "Take it from me, you’re not going to get any more than that."

Yesterday, a fight broke out between the Oakland Raiders and the Dallas Cowboys during a joint practice. Referees told them, "There’s a proper way for NFL players to settle their disputes, and it’s called 'murder.'"

There’s a new luxury Middle Eastern airline that’s going to start offering first class passengers a suite with bedrooms, a kitchen, and a shower. Meanwhile, United Airlines says you can enjoy the same amenities if you cancel your flight and stay home.

Scientists have created a rudimentary model of the human brain that operates at a low functioning level. However they haven’t been able to run any experiments because all it wants to do is watch "Duck Dynasty."

The Kardashians are outraged that they’ve been robbed three times this year, but the police haven’t caught the culprits. Los Angeles police said, "If only there was a video record of what goes on in the Kardashian home…"

In Florida, a murder suspect asked Siri where he should hide the body. Which explains why the body was found at a hot new tapas place that got five stars on Yelp.

Teenagers are in an uproar over rumors that The Teen Choice Awards are rigged. The rumors started after I won "Hottest Tween Heartthrob."   

I can’t believe some jerk already has the license plate I requested: MSCORSESE

The Oxford Dictionary has added the words "YOLO" and "amazeballs." The Oxford Dictionary also announced it will no longer include the word "standards."

At a book signing, Hillary Clinton denied any friction with President Obama. Bill Clinton heard this and said, "That’s not the first time she’s denied friction with a President."

Apple announced it will ban two toxic chemicals that are used in production of iPhones. In a related story, the iPhone in your pocket right now - that’s made of toxic chemicals.

The Kardashians are outraged that they’ve been robbed three times this year, but the police haven’t caught the culprits. Kim Kardashian said, "We just want back what’s wrongfully ours."

Kobe Bryant and Nike have teamed up to make a Beethoven-themed sneaker. Their motto is, "Play basketball like an 18th century deaf German."

A woman from Eastern Europe participated in a sex marathon, and she had sex with 5,000 men. After hearing this, the 5,000th guy said, "What? I thought we had something." 

Have you seen those baby panda triplets? Two of them are really cute!

When does the Red Sox’s season start?

“Am I Groot?” (Groot having an identity crisis)

Tomorrow is Bill Clinton’s birthday. Hope it’s better than last year's, when he looked longingly at the candles on the cake and said "at least something’s getting blown on my birthday."

Rumor has it that Texas Governor Rick Perry badly wants to run in the next presidential race. You can tell Perry is behind it because they’re starting to make signs that say "Perry 2017."

The FDA is warning that tattoos can lead to skin infections. It’s in their new report, titled "Tattoos: Finally Something About Them That Might Come Back to Haunt You."

The Census Bureau reports that almost 10 million Americans have changed their designation for "race." However, they do say once you check black you never go back.

The football season hasn’t started, but the Dallas Cowboys have already sent their season ticket holders playoff tickets. Not to be outdone, the Cleveland Browns already sent all their season ticket holders an apology. 

A zoo in England is going to let redheads in for free in honor of World Orangutan Day. Just a warning - I fell for this once and spent two years inside a cage at the San Diego Zoo. 

A company has come out with a ring for your penis that measures how many calories you burn during sex. And yes guys, it also works on your wrist. 

One of the latest trends in Colorado is marijuana-themed weddings. It’s the only kind of wedding where the usher asks if you’re with the bride or the dude. 

The latest trend in Colorado is marijuana-themed weddings. At a pot-themed wedding, the couples promise to "love, honor and whatevs."

The latest trend in Colorado is marijuana-themed weddings. You know you’re at a pot-themed wedding when the guests start eating the rice.

One of the latest trends in Colorado is marijuana-themed weddings. You can tell it’s a marijuana-themed wedding because the couples are registered at Bed, Bath, & Bong.

When I retire I’m going to pursue my first passion: inventing pancakes that can be sold by the loaf.

Analysts say that President Obama has been ignoring Hillary Clinton’s advice for years. Which is why we’ve yet to see him in a pantsuit.

Disney World has become a popular location for Republican fundraisers. A favorite activity is to ride through "It’s A Small World" and deport most of the dolls. 

In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, SeaWorld said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, killer whales said, "Hey, you know what’s a larger habitat - THE OCEAN!"

In South America, a tribe of Amazonian Indians have made contact with the outside world for the first time. The tribe was shocked by skyscrapers, cars, and that "Grey’s Anatomy" is still on the air.

Off the coast of Russia, a 200-year-old bottle of booze was found in a shipwreck and it is still drinkable. Of course, in Russia, everything is considered "still drinkable." 

A study found that surrounding oneself with beautiful things can make you happier. Which is why I personally handpicked every member of tonight’s audience.

I think the ice bucket challenge caused some permanent shrinkage.

Next weekend, Los Angeles is holding its first river boat race. All that’s missing is a river in Los Angeles with water. 

Yesterday was Bill Clinton’s birthday. Hillary yelled "surprise" and out of habit, Bill yelled "I can explain!"

Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat. They’re killing them humanely; they’re only using rabbits who died of shock after seeing the prices at Whole Foods. 

In Florida, a group of teenagers snuck into an NBA player’s home thinking there was nobody there.  Then, the NBA player came downstairs and impregnated them.

It’s been reported that, contrary to popular opinion, the tongue is NOT the strongest muscle in the body. The study was conducted by several disappointed women. 

The man who created the first internet pop-up ad says he is sorry. The man also says a 15 minute call to Geico could save you 15% on car insurance.

In South America, a tribe of Amazonian Indians have made contact with the outside world for the first time.  Their first words were, "What the hell happened to Bruce Jenner’s face?"

No one will see "The Expendables III" for me.

Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat? That’s great, I was looking for a place to buy way-too-expensive rabbit meat.

Just taught my kids about the current U.S. Congress by taking their ball, going home, and crying.

Sweating like crazy. May have to switch to men’s deodorant.

So liberating - just threw car keys into ocean. Glad they weren’t my car keys.

I just got waylaid in Malay by Pele.

I hope I never discover a genie when I’m really hungry, tired, or unhappy with my cell phone reception.

A woman is suing McDonalds because she bit into a Big Mac and found a Starbucks.

I hate being recognized in restaurants, except when the waiter says, “Shall I put it on your tab, Ms. Swinton?”

Gummi worms are incredibly popular, so I’m not sure why my line of gummi chiggers didn’t take off.

I'm opening a restaurant that only serves bread bowls filled with smaller bread bowls.

It’s rumored that next week the new iPhone is going to come out. It’s going to come with a larger screen, more memory, and it can leak celebrity photos twice as fast.


A spokesperson for Jennifer Lawrence is calling her nude leaked photos a "flagrant violation of privacy." Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian is calling her nude leaked photos "stuff I was going to release next week."

The FBI has said that it is fully addressing the celebrity photo hacking scandal. The head of the FBI said he is personally addressing it five, sometimes six times an hour.

The man who released the nude photos of celebrities has admitted he’s on the run. However, he has been given asylum by a shadowy group known only as “guys.”

Over the weekend, the White House chef married an MSNBC news anchor. Or as Fox News reported it, “Person Who Serves The President Marries Person Who Serves The President.”

This week “60 Minutes” aired an investigation on how to live past 90. The study was conducted by investigating people who’ve hosted “60 Minutes.”

Over the past week, three airline flights had to make emergency landings because passengers got into fights over reclining seats. It’s a story that combines America’s two greatest passions: violence, and sitting down.

In Washington State, authorities say a woman ran a prostitution ring out of a coffee stand. Police grew suspicious after they noticed she was selling something called the "20 minute latte."

Over the weekend in Canada, Justin Bieber was involved in a car accident and allegedly punched the other driver. When police arrived 20 minutes later, the man was still laughing.

I don’t even trust real clouds anymore.

For the first time, a gay group will be allowed to march in New York City’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. So, if you’re at next year’s parade and you see two Irish men rolling around on the ground, it might not be a fight.

Apple has plans to launch a mobile wallet to replace physical credit cards. Because if there’s one company you want to trust with your money, it’s the company that leaked your nude photos.

The latest rumor is that the iPhone 6 will effectively act as a wallet. It will be able to conduct monetary transactions, show any form of ID, and for guys, hold onto one condom for 12 years.

A glitch in the John Madden NFL game has accidentally created a player who is one-foot-tall. Another glitch accidentally created an NFL player with no criminal record.

Five geckos sent into space as part of an experiment have all died.  On the bright side, they were able to save 15% on their car insurance.


Amazon has announced that its chief financial officer will retire after 12 years on the job. However, the moment he retires, he’ll recommend another CFO that Amazon might also like.

Scientists say that sunscreen coming off in the ocean is harming aquatic life. I’m told that every time I go snorkeling I kill at least two whales.

A Denny’s in New York City offers a $300 Grand Slam combo which includes a bottle of Dom Perignon. Then again, if you find yourself spending $300 at Denny’s, the last thing you need is more alcohol.

Quick question: Why is a flash mob of hipsters and yoga moms called a “farmer’s market?”

For the first time ever, a gay group will be allowed to march in New York City’s St. Patrick’s Day parade.  Actually the Irish and gay people have a lot in common - they both love six-packs.

A rare, seven-foot-long albino cobra was on the loose in Southern California. Either that or my private photos have been leaked.

A cast member from "Duck Dynasty" will be a contestant on this season’s "Dancing With the Stars." Which is why this year’s grand prize will be "a shower."

Kim Kardashian had a wardrobe malfunction where her dress split open, revealing her underwear. Then today, Kim apologized for wearing underwear.

Thousands of fast food workers demanding higher wages walked off the job and blocked traffic. The fast food workers said it was easy since "blocking major arteries" is what they do for a living.

Lego is now the world’s largest toy company. Well at least it was, until its stupid sister walked into the room and knocked it down.

Across the country, thousands of fast food workers went on strike. The people who work behind the counter said they want higher wages - and the drive-thru workers, well no one could understand what the hell they said.

“Groot, I am.” (Groot doing a Yoda impression)

“What drought?” – Lizards

I never forget a name, Bro.

It actually rained in Los Angeles this morning. In response to the rain, Apple’s CEO said, "See - all clouds occasionally leak!"

Very unusual day here in LA, it rained briefly for 10 minutes. Hospitals are still busy treating the moist.

Reportedly, the identity of Jack the Ripper, who killed five people in London, has finally been revealed. After hearing about it, the Commissioner of the NFL suspended him for two games.

Dubai has laid out plans for a series of amusement parks. They’ll include scary, never-before-seen thrill rides like "The Tunnel of Women’s Education."

Former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was in California's state capitol to unveil his official portrait. Schwarzenegger said, "This portrait isn't the only Arnold that's hung."

Yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s portrait’s only been up for four hours and already, a cleaning lady is pregnant.

Over the weekend, President Obama visited Stonehenge. The cold, rigid entity no one can quite figure out said he enjoyed Stonehenge.

According to a recent poll, the #1 travel destination for closeted gay men is Chicago. This is due to Chicago’s new tourism slogan, “We Don’t Care What Kind of Sausage You’re Into.”

A porn star is holding a sex marathon to raise money for her breast implants. She needs $10,000 and so far she’s has raised a little over $12 million dollars.

In an interview, the Dalai Lama said he should not have a successor. When asked what should happen after he dies, the Dalai Lama said, "What do I care? I’ll be a f***ing grasshopper."

Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the “tush push.”

The new iPhone will have two different sized models; the iPhone 6 and the much larger iPhone 6 Plus. The iPhone 6 has a better camera, a barometer, and a shatter-proof screen - and the larger iPhone 6 Plus has a nice personality.

Ray Rice is now being removed from the Madden 15 video game. A spokesperson said, "Violence against women doesn’t belong in Madden 15, it belongs in Grand Theft Auto."

Researchers believe they’ve developed a condom-free form of male birth control. It's called "a crying baby on an airplane."

Apple introduced the Apple Watch, a smart watch that can text, monitor your health, and act as a secure payment system. When asked if the Apple Watch tells the time, Apple’s CEO said, "Oh, sh**!"

Analysts say that for President Obama’s last two years in office, he’s assembled a to-do list. Of course Bill Clinton also had a to-do list - it was called "The Victoria’s Secret Catalog."

Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, “Back-to-back number ones!”

An English-speaking man went into a coma and came out only speaking Mandarin Chinese. On the bright side, now he can find work.

Reno, Nevada is planning to open an exhibit celebrating itself as the "divorce capital of the world." They’re also planning to open an exhibit at their Children’s Museum called "It’s All Your Fault."

I hear the iPhone 7 is going to be a landline!

Tonight, President Obama will make a prime time speech about how we’re going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. And when he’s done talking about the NFL, he’ll address ISIS.

Tech experts are saying that the new Apple iPhones are too big for most women to hold, which is why Apple calls that model, "The Conan."

A leaked document suggest that Microsoft plans on renaming its smartphone. They haven’t made a final decision, but so far, the first choice is the "Microsoft iPhone."

It came out that law enforcement sent a copy of the Ray Rice tape to NFL headquarters back in April. Today, the NFL commissioner apologized, saying the tape "got buried in a stack of tapes of illegal things NFL players are doing."

An executive at Tinder has resigned following allegations of sexual harassment. The charges came from a female co-worker at Tinder who repeatedly told him, "Left-swipe means left-swipe."

The New York Times had to issue a correction after an article referred to Dick Cheney as President of the United States. The Times apologized to Dick Cheney, and changed his title to Former President of the United States.

Judge Judy has recently revealed that she too had nude photos of herself but chose to have them destroyed. So now we’ll just have to keep using our imagination.

White Castle has confirmed that it’s opening a restaurant in Las Vegas. It’s perfect for people in Vegas looking for one more bad choice to make while drunk.

A new study finds that frequent marijuana users are less likely to finish high school. They’re also less likely to finish the sentence they’re currently saying.

Two teenage girls have created a video game about getting your period. It’s called "Suddenly and Inexplicably Angry Birds."

The Dalai Lama says he should not have a successor and that the position has served its purpose. Sorry, Ray Liotta.

Budweiser has launched a campaign where you can use Facebook to buy beer for a friend. That explains Budweiser’s new slogan, "Why be online and lonely when you can be online, lonely, and drunk?"

The National Organization for Women is calling for NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, to resign. They made their demand in a video that Commissioner Goodell says he’ll watch in five months.

Ben and Jerry’s has introduced what they’re calling a "marijuana friendly" ice cream. It’s called "ice cream."

Apple is saying that the new Apple Watch needs to be charged every single day. Also charged every single day, someone in the NFL.

Ray Rice’s high school has officially cut ties with him. Today his old principal said, "Those are not the values we espouse here at OJ Simpson High."

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are spending a week stuck together on a remote island for a new reality show called "Rival Survival." No one is rooting for either politician to survive.

Archaeologists in Croatia have discovered a city that they believe is 7,000 years old. You can tell it’s ancient because it had a Blockbuster Video.

Because of slow sales, RadioShack may have to declare bankruptcy. RadioShack informed their employees this morning by fax.

A young violinist from Lithuania played violin for three hours while she was undergoing brain surgery. Man, those are some strict parents.

I still think the third “Hobbit” film could be stretched to 5 movies.

When you think about it, every cake has the potential to be a crumb cake.

The iPhone 6 can take 20 selfies in rapid succession, in case you were worried about the selfie shortage.

South African sports officials have ruled that Oscar Pistorius is free to run competitively again. Shortly after the announcement, he was signed by the NFL.

The temperature in Los Angeles will reach 100 degrees this week. It’s so hot that here in California ice bucket challenge videos are now considered porn.

Over the weekend in Iowa, Hillary Clinton told a crowd, "I’m baaaack!" Out of habit Bill Clinton grabbed his shoes and jumped out the nearest window.

During the Miss America pageant, Miss Nebraska accidentally flashed her underwear, and some think that's why she lost. Miss Nebraska said if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't have worn underwear.

The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook.


A writer for "Orange is the New Black" is divorcing her husband after realizing, through writing the show, that she's a lesbian. Which is interesting, because after watching that show I’ve discovered that I’m a lesbian.

Nicki Minaj says her high school will not let her come back and give a motivational speech to the students. However, the school has invited her ass back for Career Day.

In Italy, a man called the police on what he thought was a burglar breaking into his home, but was actually his wife's lover attempting a surprise visit. Then because it was Italy, everybody had a good laugh.

A couple recently spent hundreds of dollars to have a brain tumor removed from their pet goldfish. Doctors performed the operation and then gave them back a different goldfish.

A baseball player got suspended for Adderall use. Football players think that’s adorable.

Experts are predicting that this heat wave could last until late October. Of course the good news is - that means Halloween costumes in LA are going to be sluttier than ever.

Last year there was a slight increase in the prison population. It’s expected to increase even more when the NFL expands to 34 teams.

Scientists have discovered the largest dinosaur ever - it weighed 65 tons and was a vegetarian. They say the creature left behind massive footprints, and a reusable Whole Foods bag.

A group that worships Satan wants to give out "educational activity books" to Florida children. However, officials say it violates two of Florida’s strongest taboos: Satan, and education.

Apple was forced to release instructions to help iTunes users erase the free U2 album they got last week.  Apple knew there was a problem when Bono said, "How do I get this thing off my iPhone?"

For the first time ever, Cosmopolitan magazine is endorsing political candidates. And next month they feature an article called, "Ten Ways to Drive Rand Paul Wild in Bed!"

Street gangs are toning down their colors in order to be less noticeable to law enforcement. So now there are three gangs: The Crips, The Bloods, and The Earth Tones.

Today, Scotland and England laughed off reports they were breaking up and insist they’ve never been happier.

Archaeologists discovered a skeleton couple that had been holding hands for 700 years. Dude, it’s been 700 years - make a move.

Last week Nike suspended Ray Rice’s contract, and today they suspended Adrian Peterson’s contract.  Now Nike is down to Oscar Pistorius and Kim Jong Un.  

New reports claim that the iPhone 6 Plus is too big to fit in the front pockets of women’s jeans. And guys, if it easily fits in the front pocket of your jeans, you’ve got other problems.

There are now over 1 billion websites in the world. And 4 of them are not devoted to porn.

According to a new study, parents tend to select baby names that can be easily typed on the right side of a keyboard. Which may explain why I have a new niece named, "backspace semi colon."

A Michigan funeral home is offering a "drive-thru" viewing option. Or as they’re calling it, "Jack Actually In the Box."

It’s rumored that in the new "Star Wars" movie, Luke Skywalker returns to the home world of Yoda. At which point Yoda tells Luke, "Skype, we could have."

The billionaire creator of Beanie Babies was in court today for tax evasion. If he goes to prison, he’s going to be the cuddly one with a cute nickname.

Pizza Hut is testing out a new lower calorie pizza. To which the average American said, "Great, now I can eat five."

A member of the Baltimore Ravens has retired from football so he can donate his kidney to his brother.  Since receiving the new kidney, the brother has committed six felonies.


Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has put his post-college resume online. And it worked - he starts tomorrow at Quiznos!

Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jonathan Papelbon is serving a seven-game suspension for grabbing his crotch. It’s all part of the National League’s "Two balls, you’re out" policy.

A recent report says the majority of Americans can’t name the three branches of government; Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches; Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney.

There are reports that the Islamic State is releasing its own "Grand Theft Auto"-style video game. In their version, the worst crime you can commit is letting a woman drive the car.  

In an experiment, a robot programmed to make ethical decisions, chose 50% of the time to let humans die. Even worse, that exact same software can be found in your Roomba.

A list of the happiest countries is out and USA is number 14 and Canada came way ahead of us in 9th.  However, those rankings reverse whenever Justin Bieber’s back in Canada.

On his radio program, Rush Limbaugh said that sometimes when women say "no," they mean "yes." As a result, Limbaugh has just been made the new commissioner of the NFL.

iTunes is getting too invasive. Last night I woke up at 3am to find the new U2 album raiding my fridge.

Scientists discovered fossil evidence of the first swimming dinosaur, and Larry King hasn’t thanked me for not making a joke about it.

I was going to buy the iPhone 6 Plus, but I already have a flat-screen TV.

I’m an X-Man, if crying yourself to sleep is considered a mutant power.

A man scaled the White House fence and ran across the lawn to make it inside the White House. Is it just me, or is "The Amazing Race" running out of ideas?

The White House has reevaluated its security and announced it will start locking the front door. They’re also going to start asking, "Who’s there?" when somebody knocks.

In another celebrity photo leak, nude photos of Kim Kardashian have been posted to the internet. Kim said she would be very embarrassed, if only she only knew how.

In New York, a booze cruise ran aground near the Statue of Liberty. If you think about it, that’s basically how my people came to America.

In Los Angeles, you can now have pizza infused with marijuana delivered to your door. As a result, no one has heard from Los Angeles in three days.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has been named the most powerful woman in the world. In a related story, Jay-Z has left Beyoncé for Angela Merkel.

The CEO of JetBlue has announced that he will step down in February. Of course, it being JetBlue, his actual departure may be delayed until March.

A man in Wisconsin has a condition that makes him orgasm 100 times per day. He’s being described as "happy."

They’re going to start locking the White House doors, but they’re still going to let pies cool on the window sill.

Honey Boo Boo’s father, Sugar Bear, is denying charges that he cheated on Honey Boo Boo’s mother, Mama June. It’s being called the worst children’s bedtime story of all time.

Yesterday a man who snuck into an unlocked door of the White House appeared in federal court. He’s being charged with being the first person to sneak into the White House since Bill Clinton did it every Sunday morning for eight years.

After last week’s fence-jumping incident, President Obama is calling for a security crackdown. In fact, today he announced a new punishment for anyone who breaks into the White House: "Now you have to be president."

The Federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. And here’s the best part - they’re all in tonight’s audience!

Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner. There were rumors of another woman until Bruce explained, "I am the other woman."

Students at a Detroit high school sent a YouTube video invitation to the Pope asking him to visit their school. They want to see if the Pope can visit Detroit and still believe there’s a God.

The newest edition of the FIFA video game is reportedly the most realistic simulation of soccer ever created. This is due to a new, high-speed processor capable of calculating scores as high as "4."

New Zealand’s prime minister is pushing for a redesign of the country’s flag. The new flag simply says, "DAMMIT WE’RE NOT AUSTRALIA!"

Paula Deen will release a video defending herself in her racism scandal, but you have to pay $9.99 to watch. Or $14.99 if you’re black.

There's now an app that connects people who want to cuddle. It’s a great way for married women to connect with other married women.  

A Wisconsin man suffers from a condition that causes him to have up to 100 orgasms a day. When asked what his doctor says, the man said, "Doctor? Why would I go to the doctor?"

My wife is boycotting the NFL. Her boycott began in 1987.

Tonight is the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah; when all Jewish people need to be home before sundown. Which is why I didn’t have anyone to write a punchline for this joke.

President Obama is being criticized for saluting a soldier while reportedly holding a pumpkin spice latte.  Today, Obama sincerely apologized while eating a maple-glazed donut.

The Secret Service is considering several new measures to keep people from trying to get into the White House. The first thing they’re going to do to keep people out is put a sign up that says, "Blockbuster Video."

In an interview that he just gave, Bill Clinton said one of the things on his bucket list is riding a horse in Mongolia. He said it in the October issue of "If You Know What I Mean" Magazine.


The federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. It’s expected to go back up once the NFL season ends.

An evangelical Christian rewrote "Harry Potter" so that all the witchcraft is removed.  And guess what -  kids just love it! You can read the whole series - all seven "Harry Potter" books - in about 15 minutes.


A video has surfaced of a brawl among a group of Where’s Waldo impersonators. Now, they are on the run and police can’t find them.

In a new interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another "Sex and the City" movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered.


Using spinal electrodes, researchers have found a way for women to achieve orgasm with the push of a button. Unfortunately, very few men can find the button.

My iPhone 6 Plus is two days old and it’s already bent. Has anyone else had this issue after leaving their phone on train tracks overnight?

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year and it’s the year 5775. Jewish scholars keep track of the number by counting the candles on Larry King’s birthday cake.  

The NFL has filmed a PSA warning women about breast cancer. Then they filmed a PSA warning women about the NFL.


Apparently Kim Kardashian attended a Paris Fashion Week event and was tackled. Technically, she wasn’t tackled, but turned around really fast and was hit by her own butt.

A new study has found that women are still severely underrepresented in film. Which is surprising, because men’s favorite movies usually have one guy with two girls.

A flight from Boston to Los Angeles was diverted to Omaha after a passenger began masturbating on board. On the bright side, he did win the battle over the arm rest.

An evangelical rewrote a Harry Potter book to rid it of all the witchcraft. Sounds bad, but I really liked her other book "1 Shade of Grey."

I hope "The Equalizer" is about Denzel being a badass by adding artificial sweetener to people’s coffee without asking.

A flight from Boston to LA was diverted to Omaha after a passenger started masturbating. Nothing kills an erection like landing in Omaha.

Clippers owner Steve Ballmer is banning his players from using Apple products. How do I get my kids on the Clippers?

Over the weekend, George Clooney got married in Italy. His bachelor party was held over the course of the last 30 years.

New tests for the iPhone 6 Plus show that the device bends when it’s under 90 pounds of pressure. And get this, when it’s under 300 pounds of pressure, Siri says, "Try a salad, fat-ass!"

Microsoft has announced it will open its first flagship store in Manhattan. It’s expected to be just like the Apple Store, but without all those pesky lines in front.

It was revealed today that the White House fence jumper got deeper inside the building than previously reported. In fact, for 20 minutes, he was acting Secretary of Commerce.

Over the weekend, Bill and Hillary Clinton became grandparents. Reportedly, Bill is already helping out:  changing diapers, singing the baby lullabies, and personally interviewing thousands of nannies.

More than 300,000 people moved to Texas this past year - that’s more than any other state. But when you add in all of the executions, things pretty much evened out.

Ozzy Osbourne has confirmed Black Sabbath will be making one final studio record. Ozzy said he can’t confirm the date or who Ozzy Osbourne is.

A new study just came out that shows that people who meet online are more likely to break up. Later that night.

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un has not appeared in public for weeks, and there are rumors that he’s sick due to too much cheese, fried chicken, and beer. Sounds like someone’s applying for American citizenship.

I like to go to Whole Foods, put organic stickers on conventional produce, then sit back and watch the fireworks.

George Clooney says that marriage "feels pretty damn great." To which every married guy replied, "Dude, it’s been four days. Give it time, George."

People are wondering why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were not at George Clooney’s wedding. Pitt and Jolie issued a statement saying, "We’re sorry, we couldn’t find 18 babysitters."

Secret Service Director Julia Pierson says agents are allowed to use "lethal force" to stop someone from entering the White House. Unfortunately, this may cut down on the number of trick-or-treaters at the White House this year.

After the recent break-in, the White House put a lock on the front door. Also, the Secret Service is adding a recording of a barking dog.

The NFL is being criticized because a Muslim player was penalized for praying in the end zone, while Tim Tebow was never penalized for praying. In response, the NFL said, "Tim Tebow never got to the end zone."

It’s rumored that Kim Jong-Un has fractured both of his ankles due to severe weight gain. Kim Jong-Un’s doctors recommend the same strict diet that everyone else in North Korea is on.

California has become the first state in the nation to ban the use of plastic bags. Governor Jerry Brown says, "Plastic has no place in California unless it’s in our residents’ faces or breasts."

Tyler Perry has confirmed he's going to be a father. Then he announced the baby’s name will be, "Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry Jr."

A restaurant in Louisiana is offering customers a 10% discount if they bring a gun. So today everyone showed up with guns saying, "Make it 100%."

For the first time, Viagra ads are now targeting women. But the women aren’t too happy with Viagra’s new slogan, "Maybe It’s You."

If he or she owns finger cymbals, chances are the sex will be memorable.

More problems for the Secret Service - now it’s come out that the Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was.

A fight broke out in Paris involving Justin Bieber and the paparazzi. Okay, now here’s my question, in a fight between Justin Bieber, the paparazzi and the French, who do you root for?

Secret Service Director Julia Pierson submitted her resignation. Actually, she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the President.  

The Secret Service maintains that they are allowed to use "lethal force" to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited Tea Party leaders over for lunch.

Kim Jong Un’s been missing for a while. It is rumored that Kim Jong Un’s sister has assumed temporary control in North Korea. Critics describe the sister as Kim Jong Un, but with smaller breasts.

The gay rights group, GLAAD, has released its annual report on TV, and the History Channel got a very poor grade from GLAAD. Which is why today the History Channel announced its new show, "Gay Hitler." It’s a good show, give it a shot.

The show "Jeopardy!" is being called sexist for presenting a category called "What Women Want." To make things worse, Alex Trebek referred to a female contestant’s breasts as the daily double.  

Julia Pierson, who just resigned as head of the Secret Service, once worked at Disney World. Pierson said she preferred working at the White House because people didn’t have to wait in line to get in.

The new head of the Secret Service used to work for the cable company Comcast. That’s true. So now intruders at the White House can only sneak in during the hours of 10:00 and 2:00.

The NFL announced that possible sites for next year’s draft has been narrowed to two locations. It’s down to either Rikers Island or San Quentin.  


A woman is suing a sperm bank for giving her sperm from a black donor instead of the white donor she requested, and now she has a baby that’s half-black. Man, this has been a rough year for Paula Deen.


A new study indicates that anti-impotence drugs like Viagra may cause blindness. Not to the person taking it - to the person who gets poked in the eye.

Kanye West was spotted smashing his iPhone in a fit of rage. Kanye was mad that Apple stole his idea of saying "I" before everything.


A zoo in Japan made repeated attempts to breed two spotted hyenas before they realized that both animals were male. The two male hyenas are no longer being forced to mate, but they are allowed to go antiquing together.


A Mexico City man now has the world’s largest collection of "Harry Potter" memorabilia. You can see it at his home, "La Casa De No Sexo."

Ben Affleck said that his penis looks better in 3D. Mine does too, but my wife refuses to wear the glasses.

If the news gets any worse, the home page of Drudge Report is just going to be a giant skull on fire.

My neighbors criticized me for putting a pumpkin out too soon. I had to tell them that was just me looking out the window.

A five-year-old in California tested positive for cocaine. His parents became suspicious when he asked for "a kilo of ice cream."

Earthquakes seem to know when my dog is about to freak out.

When the freeway lanes leaving LA are blocked, and the lanes going into town are empty, then, yes, I do scan the horizon for monsters.

Today is Columbus Day and fun fact, ladies and gentlemen - Christopher Columbus died a bitter and penniless man. Ironically, he lost everything at an Indian casino.

There’s another theory about why Christopher Columbus died broke, he didn’t buy his mattress on Columbus Day.  


While giving a speech in Iowa, Michelle Obama mispronounced the name of a Democratic candidate seven times. Someone finally had to tell her, "It’s pronounced ‘Hillary Clinton.'"

Michelle Obama said if she could give one piece of advice to her teenage self it would be "stop being so afraid." When asked the same question, President Obama said he would tell his teenage self, "Don’t run for a second term."

A new study shows the level of sophistication in presidential speeches has been in decline for years. This was especially evident after Obama’s last speech entitled, "ISIS is Not So Nice-is." His speech writer is Dr. Seuss.

It’s being reported that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is back with his girlfriend. Apparently, he got tired of leaking by himself.

Amazon.com plans to open its first physical store. The Amazon store said their plan is to do okay for about a year, then be put out of business by Amazon.com.

A diner in North Carolina has taken all the prices off its menu, and has told customers to just pay "What God wants." It turns out God is a cheapskate.

A new study on the female orgasm claims there is no such thing as a G-spot. The study was conducted by me.

Yesterday, Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance in over a month. And I have to say - he was great on "The View."

Dozens of NFL players will be appearing in a series of PSAs about domestic violence. No word yet on whether they’re for or against.

This Halloween, authorities in Colorado are warning families to watch out for marijuana-infused candy.  Teenagers in Colorado said, "Don’t worry, not only are we watching out for it, we’re only going to houses that have it."

Apple is paying for their female employees to freeze their eggs. They’re being stored at a factory in China where the eggs are already working on the iPhone 7. 

McDonald's launched a new publicity campaign to dispute the claim that its food is so artificial, it doesn’t rot. That explains their new slogan: "McDonald’s - Our Food Totally Rots!"

Will.i.am is reportedly creating his own brand of smart watches. Apparently, the watch will tell you whether it’s Will.i.A.M or Will.i.P.M.

According to a new poll that just came out, one out of five single guys say they’d rather have a new iPhone than a girlfriend. The other four said they’ll take either one, as long as they get to swap it for a thinner version every six months.

Am I the only one who realized that "Frozen" was just an allegory for the U.S. leaving the gold standard in 1933?

A new Ebola vaccine is being tested in Canada. Apparently Canadians can stop Ebola, but they can’t stop the spread of Justin Bieber.


A Los Angeles bus was quarantined after a man boarded and yelled "I have Ebola!" To isolate him from other humans, they took him off the bus and put him on the Los Angeles subway.

A female journalist for NBC who was exposed to the Ebola virus is being criticized because she broke her quarantine to go to a restaurant. Though in fairness to her, the restaurant was celebrating "Infected Ladies’ Night."

Apple will soon offer to pay for female employees who want to freeze their eggs. Meanwhile, Samsung will offer their female employees thinner eggs with a bigger screen.  

Bono has apologized for putting the U2 album in peoples' iTunes without their permission. For the full version of his apology, check your voicemail, it’s there.

The Mayor of Los Angeles said he expects the city to get an NFL franchise within the year. If you think there are a lot of police chases in LA now, wait until we get an NFL team.


According to a researcher at Harvard, success doesn’t lead to happiness, but happiness leads to success. The researcher made the discovery after reading his grandmother’s throw pillow.

In Colorado, they’re filming a new reality show to come up with the best marijuana product. So far, the winning product seems to be "marijuana."


Hello Kitty recently turned 40. She’s been around so long people now refer to her as, "Oh, It’s You Kitty."

I’m pretty sure when the umpires say they’re going to look at the replay, they’re watching cat videos.

President Obama said he hugged and kissed some of the nurses in Atlanta who had treated the patients with Ebola. Man, Obama will do anything to get out of that job right now.

The head of the TSA announced he’s retiring. His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne.


Last night during a televised debate, the Governor of Florida refused to go on stage because his opponent had an electronic fan under his podium. Bill Clinton once had a fan under his podium, but she wasn’t electronic.

CBS will soon offer a paid subscription service. That means you can continue to watch CBS for free, or you can pay for it - it’s your call. 

There’s a new glitch in World of Warcraft that is turning the skin of some black players white. The glitch occurs when the player’s avatar walks into a Mumford and Sons concert.

In Humboldt County, California, firefighters saved marijuana plants from a burning building. After the pot plants were put away in a safe place, the firefighters went back for the people who were inside.

A recent study found that the planet Uranus has a twin planet 25,000 light years away. The twin planet of Uranus is called, "Myanus."

All NFL teams have received a newsletter informing them about the dangers of Ebola. Meanwhile, Ebola has received a letter about the dangers of the NFL.

There’s now a hybrid Lamborghini for environmentally-conscious men with small penises.

I asked nicely, but the DMV won’t change the hair color on my driver’s license to "pumpkin spice."

The average Netflix user streams 46 hours a month. And the average senior citizen, eight times a night.

The World Health Organization has declared the nation of Nigeria, "Ebola-free." So kids, Spring Break is back on.


President Obama told Americans not to panic about Ebola. Then when asked about the Democrats’ chances in the upcoming midterm elections, Obama said, "Man, that Ebola sure is scary!"

After embracing the gay community last week, the Vatican is now distancing itself from those comments.  The Vatican explained, "That was just one crazy weekend." 

Over the weekend in New Hampshire, a massive riot broke out at a pumpkin festival. The incident is being investigated by the FBI’s "Extremely White Crimes Unit."

While the Giants are playing the Kansas City Royals in the World Series, San Francisco radio stations are banning the playing of Lorde’s song "Royals." Makes me wish they were playing a team called the Kansas City "Happy."

A new study has found that men who are vegan have a much lower sperm count compared to those that eat meat. Even worse, the few sperm vegan men do have refuse to go anywhere near an egg.

A Florida mom is demanding that Toys R Us stop selling "Breaking Bad" action figures. She said, "I live in Florida, if I want to expose my children to meth addicts, I’ll let them play outside."

Brad Pitt is now saying that his role in "Fury" taught him to be a better father. And Nicolas Cage said his role in "Ghost Rider 3" taught him that he shouldn’t have done "Ghost Rider 3."

New research has found that the first sexual intercourse between two organisms occurred more than 385 million years ago. And nine months later, Larry King was born.

I love autumn in L.A., when the colors change on the Fire Danger signs.

The President was back home in Chicago to vote early yesterday, and something funny happened at the polling station. While President Obama was standing next to a woman, a man shouted out "Hey Mr. President, stay away from my girlfriend." He didn’t say this because he was flirting with her, but because his girlfriend is a democrat running for re-election.  

McDonalds is in the news. McDonalds’ profits are way down because experts say the restaurant is not attracting millennials. Apparently, young people today are hoping to live past 50. 

The NFL has created a Sportsmanship Award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. The winner will be whichever NFL player is not in jail on the eve of the Super Bowl.

Barbara Walters is resurrecting her popular annual TV special, "The 10 Most Fascinating" people. But you can tell she’s starting to get up there, because she also has a new special called, "10 Meanest Nurses Who Are Stealing From Me!"

Twins separated at birth and living on different continents were reunited via Facebook. The same situation didn’t end as well for another set of twins who found each other on Tinder.

The World Series starts tonight between the Royals and the Giants. San Francisco radio stations have banned the song "Royals," by Lorde, for the duration of the World Series. The ban does not bode well for Lorde’s new single, "The Giants Suck."

The CDC has released new guidelines about what health care workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they’ve outlawed the “Slutty Hazmat Suit.”

Only five U.S. airports in the country will be accepting flights from countries with Ebola. When asked which five airports, the government official smiled and said, "Sleep tight."

It’s starting to look like the Ebola crisis in Texas may be over. Now Texas can go back to being afraid of the other "E" word - "Evolution."

In a new interview, Matthew McConaughey said he doesn’t want the Washington Redskins to change their name. When asked for comment, a spokesman for all Native American tribes said, "I guess that settles it."

My imaginary friend grew up to become my imaginary strength and conditioning coach.

On Monday, 44 Americans who came into contact with a patient with Ebola were released from their quarantine. And they’re all here with us tonight!

The CDC says anyone flying to the US from Ebola-infected countries will be monitored for three weeks. Of course here in Los Angeles, monitoring a sick person for three weeks is known as "a reality show."

The FBI is investigating three teenage girls from Denver who were trying to join ISIS. The teenage girls were apprehended after they announced a jihad against "that b**** Ashley."

Due to a technical glitch, Taylor Swift’s new single was released as eight seconds of static, and it still went to #1 on iTunes. 

A diet pill endorsed by Dr. Oz was found to be based on bogus scientific research. People are shocked that you can’t trust a TV doctor named after a lying wizard.

Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. The two states would be known as "Geezerville" and "Methylvania."

Smooth jazz musician Kenny G was in Hong Kong showing support for the protesters there. Kenny G played three notes and the Chinese government immediately surrendered to Hong Kong.

A new report on government waste includes $350,000 to study massages for rabbits. And you guessed it, every single rabbit massage comes with a "Hoppy Ending."

Every once in a while, just for fun, I mail an Eviction Notice to Warren Buffett.

Yesterday, yet another person jumped the White House fence. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama’s finally getting more Americans to exercise.

Earlier this week, investor Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion.

Scientists say they have found more evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently, the evidence is any episode of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

During a swing through Asia, Mark Zuckerberg appeared at a university and conducted an entire Q & A in Mandarin Chinese. There was an awkward moment when a student told him, "You’re in the Philippines."

Musician Kenny G tweeted his support of the Hong Kong protestors and now China’s Communist government is mad at him. It’s serious - China has threatened to pull Kenny G’s music out of all their elevators.

Yesterday, an Apple computer built by Steve Jobs in his garage in 1976 sold for nearly one million dollars. Which makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market.

In Florida, a resolution has been passed to split the state into two separate states. Now even Florida is trying to distance itself from Florida.

A new study just came out and it found that men who drink beer produce more offspring. The results were discovered by a scientist who spent one hour in Ireland.

Kim Kardashian says that she wants her daughter North West to one day have a job. Then the baby spoke up and said, "You first."

I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as "Slutty Madeleine Albright."

Personally, I think America is ready for a woman to scale the White House fence.

Kenny G has angered all of China, yet no one is telling him to "stick to music."

Before the World Series game last night, Aaron Lewis from the band Staind botched the national anthem. And to make things worse, he started the song with "Are you ready for some football?"

A new report claims that by the year 2020, the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it’s a good time to be in the couch business.  

Wal-Mart has come under fire for having a Halloween section on their website called "Fat Girl Costumes." Wal-Mart has since apologized and changed the name to "Nice Personality Costumes."

In an effort to ease some of the Ebola fears, the mayor of New York rode the subway last week. If you have any information on the mayor’s whereabouts, please call 911.

Beyoncé is planning to launch a new clothing line. Beyoncé said, "I will not rest until I have all the money on Earth."

The city of Detroit says it has come up with a plan that could finally get it out of bankruptcy. The plan involves Detroit getting on a bus and moving back in with its parents in Ohio.

A hotel in London is offering "Harry Potter" themed rooms. Guests staying in a "Harry Potter" room have the choice of either a single bed or a single bed.

France is seeing a rise in armed clowns terrorizing people on the streets. The good news is, they’re scaring off the mimes.

Queen Elizabeth sent out her first tweet. Unfortunately, her tweet was asking how she could get on Tinder.

As if there weren’t already enough reasons to hate Ebola, I hear it also smokes e-cigarettes.

This Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you’re in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that’s been set on fire.

LeBron James and his wife have just welcomed a new baby. The baby was born in Cleveland, but plans to move to Miami if it gets a better offer.

Tonight, the San Francisco Giants could win the World Series. The San Francisco players have champagne on ice, and the San Francisco fans have set aside a very amusing Chardonnay.  

A spy agency in South Korea says it has solved the mystery of Kim Jong-Un’s six-week absence. Turns out he was at Burning Man.

HBO has announced it will be laying off nearly 150 employees. That’s not HBO staff - that’s just characters getting killed off in the first episode of "Game of Thrones."

Cosmo Magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models. That’s right - just as our forefathers intended.

A hotel in London is offering "Harry Potter" themed rooms. The rooms come with a four-poster bed, a cauldron, and a mirror so you can take a long, hard look at just what you’ve become.

Tonight is game seven of the World Series between the San Francisco Giants and the Kansas City Royals. That’s right, America, this is your last opportunity to not watch the World Series.

Former baseball slugger Jose Canseco accidentally shot himself in the hand. In a related story, I think we just figured out a way to make baseball a little more exciting!

Sources are saying that Russia may have hacked into the White House internet system. The problem was discovered this morning, when suddenly Obama’s screensaver was a shirtless Vladimir Putin.

There’s a new pocket Ebola test that can detect the virus in just 30 minutes. So now in just 30 minutes you can say, "Bad news - I’ve got Ebola. Good news – pizza’s just arrived!"

The investigator who led the probe into the Secret Service prostitution scandal was caught with a prostitute. When the cops found them in bed together, he said, "Hey, I’m investigatin’ here!"

The Republican governor of Pennsylvania is under fire for photo-shopping black people into his campaign pictures. The press became suspicious when the governor posted photos of him and his black friends at a Coldplay concert.

Massachusetts was just named the most liberal state. Researchers almost picked California, but then they stopped for gas in Bakersfield.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I just have to say, ladies and gentlemen, if you were planning on going as "Sexy Conan," it’s taken. 

This Halloween, if you see a blue pumpkin, that means the house is handing out allergy-free treats. Of course if you see a blue pumpkin, it could also mean that the house is using last year’s pumpkin.

Yesterday was the internet’s 45th birthday. That's right, 45 years ago today, someone downloaded porn onto a Commodore 64. 

Kim Kardashian said she might let her daughter, North, design clothes for her fashion line. I think North is up for it, because she already created a bib that says, "Get Me The Hell Out of Here." Please free me from these people.

Cosmo Magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the polls that includes shirtless male models. The female students are signing up in droves to pull the lever and also to vote.

Just called my broker and told him to buy 300 shares of Neil Patrick Harris.

Let’s just agree any group of three or more handsome British men should be referred to as a "cumberbatch."

Yesterday was the New York City marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a democratic candidate running away from President Obama.

Tomorrow is Election Day. That’s right, the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn’t register to vote.

Daredevil Nik Wallenda broke the world tightrope record when he walked blindfolded between two 50-story Chicago skyscrapers. Wallenda said he didn’t do it to set a record, he did it because these days it’s the safest way to walk through Chicago.

Christian Bale has dropped out of the upcoming Steve Jobs biopic. Bale explained he doesn’t want to get typecast as a rich guy who wears all black and has a lot of gadgets.

BlackBerry now allows users to retract already sent text messages. They say the #1 retracted text message is "I still use a Blackberry."

McDonald’s has released a video showing how the McRib is made. It all starts when two adult McRibs love each other very much.

Yellowstone National Park is now considering introducing Wi-Fi throughout the entire park. The idea has been slammed by naturalists, but praised by horny bears with laptops.

In today’s midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for her very first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson.

Kim Kardashian tweeted that she is supporting President Obama in the midterm elections. I think it worked, because all the polls are predicting that after tonight, Barack Obama will still be President of the United States.

Utah could elect its first black Republican woman to Congress. In other words, Utah finally got one black person and the first thing they want to do is send her to Washington.

In Montana, a math teacher is running for Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount --because math is fun!

Marvel has announced nine more upcoming superhero movies. I think they may be getting desperate, because one of them is entitled, "Avengers: Blah Blah, Just Give Us Your Money."

In Thailand, a man was sentenced to two and half years in prison for insulting Thailand’s king on Facebook. Even worse, the man rejected the King on Tinder. He swiped left.

In Northern California, a man found crystal meth in his eight-year-old daughter’s bag of Halloween candy.  Afterwards, the parents said, "We never should have let her go trick-or-treating dressed as Florida."

ABC is being criticized after the Charlie Brown Halloween special was followed directly by a raunchy sex scene from "Scandal." So tonight, to help children understand what they saw, they’ll be airing the Peanuts special, "It’s Called 'Doggie Style', Charlie Brown."

President Obama held a news conference today to share his take on the midterm election results. You can tell the President wasn’t taking it well, because he addressed the White House press core from inside a pillow fort.

Benedict Cumberbatch has gotten engaged. He and his fiancée are registered at Cumberbed, Cumberbath, & Cumberbeyond.

For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama gave her a congratulatory call and told her, "You’re all set - this country never turns against the first black anything."

Yesterday, Washington DC voted to legalize recreational marijuana. President Obama said, "And after these midterms, thank God."

The Country Music Awards took place tonight. So for the second night in a row, the big winners were all white guys in cowboy hats.

Former "American Idol" star Clay Aiken lost his election for Congress. Apparently, his supporters thought they could vote by texting Ryan Seacrest.

In Vermont, the governor’s race is so close the Vermont legislature may have to choose between the two candidates. So we won’t know until next week, if the winner is Ben or Jerry.

Oprah released her list of Favorite Things of 2014 and one of them is a book that she wrote. The book is called, "I’m Oprah, And You’ll Like What I Say You’ll Like."

For the first time in years, Burger King has beaten McDonald’s in sales, and they attribute it to their new offering, "Chicken Fries." Which is why today McDonald’s announced their new offering, "Burger Shakes."

The world’s second strongest man just announced that he is gay. He said he realized he was gay after wrestling the world’s first strongest man.  

Bob Dylan’s grandson is going to release a rap album next year. The album is titled, "Yo Yo Yo I'm Bob Dylan's Grandson."

The first porn movie filmed by a drone has been released. The film is expected to be a big surprise to the people who star in it. 

It’s too bad. Conan Cumberbatch had a nice ring to it.

I guess we can finally put an end to the rumors that I killed Bin Laden.

So embarrassed - my wife walked in while I was watching that video on how McRibs are made.

NPR just told me I'm the murderer in the next "Serial" podcast.

President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. President Obama saw Putin and said, "After those midterms, it’s nice to finally see a friendly face." 

Hackers infiltrated the U.S. Postal Service’s computer network. The Post Office was shocked about the cyber-attack, and even more shocked that they have a computer.

She’s going to be okay, but a Baltimore Ravens cheerleader was injured during the game yesterday. Out of habit, several Baltimore Ravens immediately pled not guilty.

Justin Bieber hung out with the Pittsburgh Steelers before yesterday’s game and then, the Steelers lost.  Apparently, the Steelers weren’t inspired by his speech, "Win one for the Bieber."

A new book claims that Jesus had a wife and two kids. In other words, he suffered even more than we thought.

There’s a new nightclubbing trend in Sweden - partying sober. There’s an even newer trend, people leaving Sweden.

There’s a restaurant in Moscow that uses shirtless bodybuilders as waiters. The restaurant is called, "Not Gay At All."

Scientists have discovered a virus that lowers the intelligence of people it infects. The virus is called H-1-Kardashian-1.

I’m a huge fan of "Sons of Anarchy," probably because when I was a young man, I ran with a gang of redheaded punks. We were called The Ginger Snaps. Our biggest enemy was sunlight.

"Sons of Anarchy" is the number one show in its time slot. They were number two but then they had the number one show executed in an abandoned warehouse.

Critics have called "Sons of Anarchy," "Hamlet on motorcycles." Which is better than the original concept for the show, "Macbeth on Segways."

The "Sons of Anarchy" gang logo displays the grim reaper holding a blade and a rifle. Coincidentally it’s the same logo used by the NFL now.

"Sons of Anarchy" takes place in a fictional California town filled with degenerates and endless mayhem. They had to choose between making it a fictional town in California, or any real town in Florida.

The European Space Agency successfully landed a probe on a comet that was moving 41,000 miles per hour. Meanwhile, here in America, we successfully landed a champagne glass on Kim Kardashian’s a**. 

People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing, and they’re saying he looked like a rapper. Then again, to be fair, in China I look like a rapper.

At the economic summit in China, Vladimir Putin is being accused of flirting with the First Lady of China. Then again, Putin does have a history of not respecting boundaries. 

In Montana, a reformed white supremacist is opening his KKK group to all races. Minorities everywhere said, "That’s all we ever wanted, thank you."

In Washington D.C. Eminem was criticized for dropping multiple F-bombs during a concert for Veterans. It’s the first time that soldiers in the military have been exposed to bad language. 

At a daycare center in Michigan, police are saying that a small bag of marijuana was found in a baby’s diaper. When asked to comment, the baby said, "Hey, I was just holdin’ that for a friend."

A recent contestant on "The Voice" has been arrested for a DUI. He’ll go on trial as soon as they can find a judge with a rotating chair.

Usher has announced that his next single will be available exclusively in boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios. Not to be outdone, Drake has announced his next release will be available inside freshly-made omelets. 

A couple in Florida left their waiter a $1,500 tip. Since it’s Florida, the waiter still murdered them. 

In Beaumont, California, two people have lined up over two weeks early at Best Buy for Black Friday. The two people said they are hoping to get a great deal on a life. 

Yesterday, scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson, fact-checked the movie "Interstellar." Because if there’s one movie I expect to be believable, it’s the one where Matthew McConaughey plays an astrophysicist. 

My new 3D printer not only prints food, but also some really rude waiters.

Three astronauts returned to Earth after spending 165 days aboard the International Space Station. They said there were three things they could see from space - The Great Wall of China, The Amazon Rainforest, and that photo of Kim Kardashian’s naked butt.

Some people are saying that Kim Kardashian’s nude photo is actually a positive feminist statement. Those people are called "husbands caught looking at it."

The space probe that landed on the comet is now recording noises, and scientists say it sounds like the comet is singing. Even more amazing, the song is "All About That Bass."

The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in, and the other half were President Obama trying to get out.

Developers are working on a new app that gives you a ten second warning before an earthquake. The app is called, "Too Late."

Usher has announced that his next single will be available exclusively in boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios. The single is called, "I Can’t Believe It’s Come To This."

Warren Buffet’s company has bought Duracell for $6.4 billion. I think he overpaid, because batteries were not included.

Just saw my Thanksgiving turkey playing beach volleyball in Malibu.

I’m grateful for those Kim Kardashian nude photos, because they reminded me to check my car’s oil.

These days HD is so good, when you watch an NFL game you can see the murder evidence.

Pope Francis announced that next year, he’s going to be visiting the United States. Here’s the cool part - he’s opening for Pitbull. 

Pope Francis announced that next year he’s coming to the US. Or as FOX News is reporting it, "Obama lets in yet another guy from South America."

President Obama has recently pledged three billion dollars to aid poor nations. All three billion is going to the United States.  

The DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In his defense, the New York Jets doctor said, "We don’t give painkillers to our players, we give them to our fans."

Facebook is reportedly introducing a version of its website designed to be used at work. This new version of Facebook is called "Facebook."

The company that makes Botox was recently purchased for $66 billion. Botox users were very surprised, they just couldn’t show it.  

Bono injured himself in a cycling accident. Even worse, The Edge was accidentally sanded down to a rounded curve.

Time Magazine apologized to women for suggesting a ban on the word "feminist." It didn’t help that the wording of their apology was, "Sorry we upset you ladies - we didn’t realize it was 'that time of the month.'"

The group of activists known as Anonymous hacked the KKK’s Twitter account this weekend. People got suspicious when the KKK began tweeting from a Lil Wayne concert.  

According to weather reports, today was the coldest November morning in 38 years. It was so cold, Kim Kardashian pulled up her pants. 

Kim Kardashian is defending her butt photo as an "art project." She then said "excuse me," and pulled her thong underwear out of her art project.

Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either be life in space or a Whole Foods.

This week, a group of activists known as Anonymous hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious and they said Anonymous is a bunch of cowards who don’t have the courage to show their face.

In Australia, a drone took a photo of a grandmother sunbathing topless. The grandmother is embarrassed, and the drone is in critical condition. 

Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend. There you go folks, another eHarmony success story!

Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend. It must be tough for single women out there, first, Clooney, then Cumberbatch, now Manson. All the good ones are taken.

The Oxford English Dictionary announced that its word of the year is "vape," which is defined as "to inhale and exhale the vapor produced by an electronic cigarette." Then it says, "See, 'douchebag.'"

A ten-second kiss can transfer 80 million bacteria, my wife told me as we shook hands.

Analysts say that on Thanksgiving, Americans throw away at least $282 million worth of leftovers. And when you look at most Americans, that’s clearly not enough.

Tomorrow night, President Obama will announce his new immigration plan. Obama’s favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to immigrate to another country.

Analysts say President Obama’s new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So this could impact your fantasy football team.

One of Hitler’s watercolor paintings is being auctioned off, and it’s expected to sell for over $60,000. So if you’re looking for a wedding gift for Charles Manson…

Charles Manson’s future mother-in-law says that she approves of her daughter marrying Charles Manson. She also said Manson has very nice personalities.

There’s a new doll for girls that’s being called "Normal Barbie." There is also a Normal Ken who goes on the internet after Normal Barbie goes to bed.

A new app for Google Glass has been created that lets you watch yourself during sex. Of course the tough part for people who wear Google Glass is finding someone willing to have sex with them.

Police in Oregon are investigating a high school porn-making operation. Police became suspicious when they noticed the high school had 100% attendance.

Tonight President Obama is giving a major speech on immigration, and his speech will be immediately followed by the Latin Grammys. Under Obama’s plan, the winners of a Latin Grammy can stay in the country, the losers will be deported.

In a new interview with the New York Times, Chris Christie says he takes plenty of vitamins to stay healthy. Then someone had to explain to him that "cheese is not a vitamin."

Today is Joe Biden’s birthday. The Vice President’s friends surprised him with a cake, but his thank you speech was so long, the stripper inside it fell asleep.

There’s a new doll with an average woman’s body that’s being called Normal Barbie. Unless she hangs around Malibu Barbie, and then she becomes Fat Friend Barbie.

A consumer group has published a list of their ten worst toys to get kids for Christmas. Topping the list - a Menorah.

Justin Bieber has reportedly met with a rabbi to explore Judaism. After meeting with Justin Bieber, the rabbi is exploring Atheism.

Scientists say the probe that landed on the comet has discovered substances that are indispensable to life. So apparently, the comet is made of whiskey and Nutella.

In South Carolina, a 350 pound man stole 5 rib-eye steaks from a Walmart by hiding them under his butt. He was allowed to keep the steaks.

There’s an adorable video going around of three grandmothers trying marijuana for the first time. There’s also an adorable video of three grandsons tearing a room apart, shouting "Where the f*** is our weed?"

Just read that Jaden and Willow Smith interview to my dog, and he looks less confused than I am.

In preparation for Thanksgiving, I'm going to swallow an SUV's airbag and then run into a wall.

Who has less-recognizable names? New Republican Congressmen or former Arena Football players?

I’ve been working out and now have the strength of ten men. And they’re all Regis Philbin.

My wife told me a turducken was as close to a threesome as I'm ever going to get.

I wonder if sales of Butterball turkeys would be as high if they'd used the name MargarineOrb.

I granted my turkey a last request, so now I've got to wait while it watches the entire run of "Breaking Bad."

The Greatest Generation stormed Normandy so that today, we could storm Target.

Still eating, mostly because that grass-fed turkey from Colorado gave me the munchies.

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

Today is Cyber Monday, the biggest day of the year for online shopping. Cyber Monday was started by a bunch of nerds who were beat up on Black Friday.

In Wisconsin, thousands of people showed up at a brewery for a Black Friday sale on beer. There were no survivors.

It’s being reported that yesterday the line for security at Chicago's Midway Airport was over a mile long. On the bright side, while in line many couples took the opportunity to join the Mile Long Club.

The World Health Organization has told men who are recovering from Ebola to avoid sex for three months. This is bad news for the popular pickup line, "I just got over Ebola - let’s go back to my place."

The Chinese Government has now banned the use of puns and wordplay in all television broadcasts. The ban was enacted by China's Censorship minister, Me No Fun.

Over the weekend, a couple got married on the New York City subway. The couple has asked that instead of gifts, you send Purell.

Researchers are working on a breathalyzer that can tell if you’re driving while stoned. Here's how it works - if the driver tries to dip the breathalyzer in nacho cheese, he’s stoned.

Weather reports are saying that Los Angeles might get as much as two inches of rain, and everyone is freaking out. LA hasn’t been this scared of two inches since I was single.

After three years of drought, LA is finally getting some rain. So good news - the marijuana crop is saved!

The first Major League Baseball umpire has announced he’s gay. The umpire did this by pointing at himself and yelling, "Out!"

One of the co-discoverers of DNA is now broke. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Good, that guy ruined my life."

According to a new report, parents are naming their babies after characters from their favorite television shows. I was shocked, and so was my son, "Cake Boss."

For the ninth year in a row, Florida made it through hurricane season without being hit by a single hurricane. So it’s official, even hurricanes don’t want to go to Florida.

New research suggests that the first human beings drank alcohol millions of years ago. The proof is a message from one caveman telling another, "I love you, Early Man!"

GQ Magazine has named Tilda Swinton its "Woman of the Year." I learned this when all the people I passed on my way to work kept telling me, "Congratulations!"

After a long drought we finally got some rain here in Los Angeles. It's been a tough week for Los Angeles parents because they’ve had to explain to their children what that stuff coming from the sky is.

People in North Korea who have the same name as Kim Jong-Un are being ordered to change their name. So now everyone has the choice of either Khloe or Kourtney Jong-Un.

Iran may have launched airstrikes against ISIS. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been able to wear my "Go Iran" t-shirt?

The University of Alabama-Birmingham has decided to discontinue its football team. When they heard this news, New York Jets' fans said, "Wait, you can do that?"

A man at the Brooklyn Nets game last night was removed for beating another fan with a prosthetic leg. Which is why the Brooklyn Nets have decided to discontinue their annual "Prosthetic Leg Night."

It was reported that a research lab at the University of Texas just found out it is missing 100 human brains. Texas police don’t know who has the brains, but they've already ruled out Governor Rick Perry.

A surgeon in California accidentally removed a prison inmate’s wrong kidney. Either that, or a kidney just pulled off the most amazing prison escape in history.

In Britain, it is now illegal to view bondage porn. And if you’re caught, you’ll be led away with no handcuffs.

A man in Cleveland proposed to his fiancée with the help of an elaborate Christmas-themed musical performance. The woman said, "No thanks, you’re clearly gay."

It just hit me: if they are real, we are stepping in piles and piles of ghost dung.

China has surpassed the U.S. and now has the number one economy in the world. After hearing this, China's children asked, "So NOW can we take a lunch break?"

In Oklahoma, two men dressed as Batman and Captain America tried to rob someone at a gas station. They are being charged with attempted robbery and mixing Marvel with DC.

North Korea has ordered people with the same name as Kim Jong-Un to change their names. To avoid even more confusion, they're deporting all chubby lesbians with bad haircuts.

Dr. Nancy Snyderman, the NBC News medical correspondent who was exposed to Ebola and then broke quarantine, has returned to work. The good news - nobody's going to be messing with her food in the break room fridge.

The dog whisperer, Cesar Millan, tweeted that he is alive despite reports that he had died. Or MAYBE right before he died he trained his dog to tweet?

Scientists say they've found the oldest known engraving in human history, from half a million years ago. It was a Tic-Tac-Toe game, and Larry King won.

In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian revealed that she used to pray to God for her breasts to stop growing. Apparently God said, "Fine - Just wait’ll you see what I do to your a**."

Can’t believe I didn’t get a Grammy nomination for my jazz album, "Ginger Odysseys, Vol. 9."

I had a hunch China had passed America as the #1 economy when they started making all our "America is #1" hats.

Once again, missed the Fantasy Football playoffs. That’s what I get for drafting all kickers.

This morning, President Obama met with Britain’s Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power, and the future King of England.

Facebook revamped its search feature and now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It's helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year.

Today in Washington, D.C., Prince William attended a reception for endangered species. Things got awkward when Prince William realized the whole event was for his family.

Pope Francis lashed out against what he calls the "material slavery" of Christmastime consumerism. I just feel sorry for whoever drew him as their Secret Santa.

As part of its new transparency campaign, McDonald’s has released a video showing how its Chicken McNuggets are made. It’s not bad, apparently the McNuggets die naturally after being fed the McRib.

After being caught dropping F-bombs on camera, NFL quarterback Tom Brady has been named the Boston Globe's Poor Sport of the Week. Because if there’s one thing Boston will not stand for, it’s swearing at a sporting event.

For the next week, nearly 2,400 Marines and sailors from Camp Pendleton are conducting training drills throughout Downtown Los Angeles. When they arrived, one soldier was overheard saying, "Wow, Iraq is scarier than I thought."

A village in Alaska has been without mail for days because its only postal worker quit. So if you want to reach anyone in that village, you’ll have no choice but to email, call, text, Facebook message, Tweet, Snapchat, Skype, or Instagram DM them.

The beloved children’s Christmas special "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" just turned 50 years old. And in true Hollywood tradition, Rudolph started dating a 25-year-old special.

With the help of a UPS program, a 4-year-old boy in Colorado had his dream of becoming a UPS truck driver come true. Unfortunately, another little boy in a FedEx truck showed up three hours earlier.

I’m what’s known as a "Tiger Dad." If my kids don’t get straight A's, I threaten to practice the violin.

Prince William and Kate Middleton, who are in the United States, went to a Nets game and met Jay-Z. Jay-Z ignored etiquette rules and put his hand on Prince William’s arm. Long story short, we are now at war with Britain.

It was reported that the other night in Miami, Leonardo DiCaprio left a party with 20 women. That’s nothing, when I was single I could make 30 women leave a party.

Pope Francis lashed out against the "material slavery" of Christmastime consumerism. Unfortunately, no one heard the rest of the Pope’s speech, because he was trampled in the PlayStation aisle of a Walmart.

Some people are really mad about the Discovery Channel’s "Eaten Alive" special about a man getting swallowed by an anaconda, because the snake didn’t swallow him. This proves there are two things Americans won’t stand for - false advertising and portion control.

Scientists say they are getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said, "It better come in Cool Ranch flavor."

This week, Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as Apple calls that in China, a "job fair."

McDonalds has released a new video showing how it makes the Chicken McNuggets. Apparently, it turns out McNuggets aren’t made out of chicken - they’re made out of people who ask too many questions about McNuggets.

During a speech on immigration yesterday, President Obama quoted a verse from the Bible that doesn’t exist. Apparently Jesus never said, "I’m all about that bass."

Time’s "Person of the Year" has been announced, and it’s health workers who treat Ebola. Time Magazine told the health workers, "No need to pick up your award, we’ll mail it you."

One of the most popular YouTube videos of 2014 was apparently a video of strangers kissing one another. And if you liked strangers kissing each other, you’ll really like something called "porn."

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born on the Southwest flight, the newborn baby said, "I had more legroom in the womb."

A new study came out and has found that reindeer populations are falling fast. So in other words, we are three years away from Santa using Uber.

The General Mills cereal Cheerios will soon come in new flavors like quinoa. The CEO of General Mills said the new flavor is in response to an overwhelming demand by no one.

Lufthansa Airlines will soon allow pet falcons aboard their flights. This is bad news for Lufthansa passengers with seeing eye mice.

To protest new porn laws In the United Kingdom, a mass "face-sitting" demonstration is being planned. Good luck understanding what the protesters are chanting.

The Golden Globe nominations are out, and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were both snubbed. As a consolation prize, tonight each of them gets to have sex with either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.

The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader, "Giggling Eagle."

A reporter recently asked Governor Rick Perry if he thought he was smart enough to be President. Perry said, "Hey, I was smart enough to get elected President of Texas, wasn't I?"

This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called "Republicans."

According to a new study, almost 300,000 tons of plastic are currently floating in the world’s oceans. Even more disturbing, 200,000 tons of that plastic are discarded Bruce Jenner faces.

Researchers have developed a bionic sports bra that automatically tightens when it senses breast movement. The bra also calls 911 when Sofia Vergara does jumping jacks.

The inventor of the web is saying that internet access should be recognized as a "human right." He also said it’s a right he exercises every night after his wife goes to bed.

A strip club in New York City has a Christmas-themed window display. It’s the only place you can see Santa telling the person on his lap what he wants.

Tired of the weird looks I get whenever I pronounce the "t" in Christmas.

I hope North Korean hackers don't release the embarrassing emails I sent to Andy, slavishly praising our new boss Kevin Reilly.

Star Wars producers revealed the names of their new characters. One of them is Charles Schwab.

Experts say Hillary Clinton should be worried that Senator Elizabeth Warren will get the Democratic nomination. When she heard about this, Hillary said, "It’s not the first time a woman’s tried to take something that belongs to me."

Hallucinogenic mushrooms were discovered growing in the garden at Buckingham Palace. So maybe the Queen isn’t waving - she’s watching the color trails her hands make.

Some people are criticizing the new movie "Exodus" for casting the part of Moses with a white actor. They’re also not thrilled about the scene where Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt driving a Prius.

Yesterday, on "Meet the Press," Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended waterboarding. Man, this guy doesn’t care about human rights or the drought.

Today in Washington D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years.

As a possible lead-up to a presidential campaign, Jeb Bush is releasing 250,000 emails from his years as governor of Florida. Sadly, most of the emails were Bush responding, "Yes, I WOULD like to enlarge my penis."

Sy Berger, the designer of the modern baseball card, has died. He will be laid to rest in a shoebox somewhere in an attic.

On Saturday in Cleveland, a baby was born at 10:11 on 12/13/14. The child has already been diagnosed with severe OCD.

Honey Boo Boo's parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear, are being offered $1 million to make a sex tape. They mulled it over and decided to take an offer of $3 million to not make a sex tape.

Did they really get a guy named "Christian" to play Moses?

Health officials are reporting that thousands of Americans have been sent to the ER due to injuries from tanning beds. The report appeared in the "The Journal of Stories That Make Black People Laugh."

The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Sony executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred.

Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and "Frozen." One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system, the other is Ebola.

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. It’s a spiritual journey into light and darkness that lasts 8 days, just like the movie "Interstellar."

Russia has named Vladimir Putin "Man of the Year" for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes, and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident.

A "Walking Dead" spinoff is going to be set right here in Los Angeles. The zombies are expected to do the two things people in Los Angeles refuse to do: walk and eat meat.

Jeb Bush put up a Facebook post about possibly running for President and it was full of typos. After reading it, George W. Bush asked, "What typos?"

The porn industry has been in court arguing that making porn actors wear condoms violates their 1st Amendment rights. They also said porn is protected by the right to "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Faked Happiness."

This morning President Obama announced that the US is going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. President Obama wanted to act quickly before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro.

In a recent interview, the Dalai Lama says there should be no more Dalai Lamas after his death. This is particularly bad news for his son, Steve Lama.

President Obama said that like many black men, he was once mistaken for a parking valet. But then Michelle Obama added, "On the bright side, that is how we got our first car."

The US Military is reportedly putting 4,000 Humvees up for auction. Anyone who shows up to buy one gets a free "I’m An A-Hole" t-shirt.

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. But, sorry kids - even ISIS says they are not hiring liberal arts majors.

A new study has found one of the occupations that has the highest rates of obesity is firemen. The upside is, fat firemen can get cats out of trees by just jumping up and down.

"Unbroken" was the original title for "The Human Centipede."

It’s Thursday, we’re pretty much one week away from Christmas. So that means if you’re a guy, you have six days until you have to start shopping.

To recover Baby Jesus figures stolen from nativity scenes, a security company is now putting GPS trackers inside them. I was thinking if they had done this with the real Jesus, it would have answered a lot of questions.

True story, our office holiday party is tonight. Just like last year, I’m going to get drunk, make a fool of myself and then, go to the office holiday party.

Now we just got our Christmas tree, but due to the drought, it’s plastic. In fact, our tree has the same surgeon as Bruce Jenner.

My father-in-law just found out I’m that "Conan O’Brien."

Crossed Kim Jong-un off my Christmas list. You have to take a stand somewhere.

I’m pretty sure I saw this department store Santa in an old episode of "Dateline."

My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.

All I want for Christmas is a cat-fight between Flo the Progressive Lady and Lily the AT&T Lady.

My wife wants our Christmas gifts to be handmade this year, so I carved her a Radio Shack gift card.

Didn't know you could squeeze up to three ounces of liquor out of a department store Santa's beard. Thanks, Martha Stewart!

Got all my Christmas shopping done. Now to shop for other people.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature felt like pronouncing "it was" as two words.

I love seeing the look on my kids' faces on Christmas morning when I tell them we’re Hindu.

As much as I love the theme music from the Serial podcast, it really killed the vibe at my Zumba class.

Just ate at an online virtual steakhouse, Amazon Prime.

Ladies, I’m 6 foot 4 inches of misplaced confidence.

Don’t cross Mr. I, or he becomes Mr. T.

Just found out "Auld Lang Syne" is Latin for "Made Up Words."

Wondering how long it will take me to learn to write "2015" on checks, but first must re-learn how to write checks.

Just spent 72 hours sitting motionless in a darkened room. Perhaps it was a mistake to binge-watch "Black Mirror."

The Pope is being hailed for picking 15 diverse cardinals from unusual places. Congratulations, Cardinal Rabbi Mo Fensen of Bozeman, MT.

A US brewery has apologized for using Mahatma Gandhi's image on its beer. The beer is so strong, after one beer you look at Gandhi and say, "Who's the hot bald chick with the glasses?"

Tonight is our first show of 2015 and our best show of 2015 - if you have tickets for the next show, I feel sorry for you.

At the Cowboys football game yesterday, Chris Christie was spotted in the owner's box hugging Jerry Jones. It was right after Jones said, "Let's get some hot wings."

Plans are underway to build an NFL stadium in Los Angeles. That's good news because it's been at least a decade since LA had a sports team not to care about.

Same sex marriage is now legal in Florida. So for once, visiting your grandmother might be kind of interesting.

President Obama is going on a three day live tour to preview his upcoming State of the Union speech. It's pretty exciting - Obama rushes out on stage and shouts, "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME STUFF THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN?"

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee announced he is running for President. And if you think Mike Huckabee can't possibly win, don't forget they said the same thing eight years ago about Mike Huckabee.

General Mills has announced they're making a new flavor of Cheerios made with quinoa. At the bottom of each box is a special prize - Cheerios NOT made with quinoa.

This week, parts of Minnesota will be as cold as 50 below zero. Minnesotans heard this and said, "So it's Spring already?"

Archaeologists in Jerusalem say they may have found the site of Jesus' trial. They've even pinpointed the exact spot where Jesus swore to tell the whole truth, "So help me dad."

In Southern California, a naked woman trying to sneak into her ex-boyfriend's house got trapped in the chimney. Afterwards, the boyfriend said, "That wasn't what I meant when I told her we should try it in the chimney."

A technology expert is predicting that selfies are likely to replace passwords on cell phones. Which means I'll finally be able to break into Tilda Swinton's cell phone.

Of all the things I thought might happen in 2015, a sex scandal involving Prince Andrew and Alan Dershowitz was pretty low on the list.

Congress now has a record number of black lawmakers. This is particularly awkward for the Tea Party Congressmen who keep thinking they're all the same guy.

One of the new gadgets at the Consumer Electronics Show is a belt that tells the person wearing it when it's time to lose weight. Another device at the CES is a pair of jeans that tells you, "Hey Chunks, try a salad."

An item unveiled at CES is a smart pacifier with a GPS system that will help you find your baby. The company expects the pacifier to be a huge hit with really sh**ty parents.

Dick Cheney has gone on record saying he is a "big fan" of Jeb Bush. I don’t think Jeb is excited, because Cheney’s exact quote was, "If there’s two things I love, it’s waterboarding and Jeb Bush."

A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced an ambitious new personal plan to read something new every two weeks. First up on Zuckerberg’s reading list: All your private Facebook messages.

Scientists have created a pill that tricks your body into thinking it has had a full meal. Unfortunately, the pill is made of two pounds of mashed potatoes.

Today, Major League Baseball selected its newest Hall of Fame members and the most votes went to Randy Johnson. Later that day, Randy Johnson was also inducted into the "Porn Star Name Hall of Fame."

NASA scientists recently spotted a hole on the sun’s surface that is 400 times larger than the Earth. Despite the hole being that large, no one on the LA Lakers could put a ball through it.

DOWNTON ABBEY SPOILER: Carson finds an oil of camphor stain on a drawing room divan.

At the Consumer Electronics Show, Hershey’s has unveiled a 3-D printer that makes chocolate. If you think Americans get angry when their paper printer is jammed, wait till their chocolate printer gets jammed.

Yesterday, Audi’s self-driving car drove itself 500 miles to Las Vegas. Not for the Consumer Electronics Show - for its buddy Chad’s bachelor party. Unfortunately, the car got so drunk in Vegas it had to Uber home.

According to a new report, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or, if you’re an optimist, every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.

The new Congress is 80% white, 80% male, and 92% Christian, yet it’s the most diverse Congress in history. It’s kind of like that time two black guys showed up at a Mumford and Sons concert.

Bill Gates is trying to develop clean drinking water made from human waste. The last time someone tried to make something drinkable from human waste we ended up with Sunny D.

Everyone’s okay, but the state of Texas recently experienced nine earthquakes in just one day. But not to worry: Texas scientists say they are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about.

Due to a slowing of the Earth’s rotation, scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Here's the bad news - you just wasted it listening to this joke.

Justin Bieber’s photo shoot for Calvin Klein underwear is out and some people think his crotch was padded. Bieber denied the accusations, saying, "I just have a really big vagina."

Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. After she left, Pope Francis was overheard saying "Dayum!"

Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis. Long story short, she adopted him. She had everything but a Pope, now she’s all set.

74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline, "74-year old Boxer" I assumed we were making a new Rocky movie.

On Monday, Bill Gates released a video of himself drinking water that was filtered from human excrement. No word yet on whether Gates got into the fraternity.

A new selfie stick recently came out designed to help users take pictures of their butts at the perfect angle. Of course Kim Kardashian’s butt will still have to be shot from space.

Details have come out about "60 Minutes" correspondent Steve Kroft’s extramarital affair - some people are speculating his career could be over at 69. Or because of 69.

This Sunday, TLC is airing a show about women whose husbands are attracted to men called, "My Husband’s Not Gay." And next week, the men will appear on a show on Bravo called, "I Guess He Was After All."

Starbucks has introduced a new coffee from Australia called "The Flat White." It’s the first coffee drink ever to be named after my a**.

I hope oil stays at under $50 a barrel, because Valentine's Day is coming up.

I can’t believe the Consumer Electronics Show rejected my idea of a walker made entirely of Slinkys.

I still think those North Korean hackers are hiding in a RadioShack in Toledo.

Last night at the Golden Globes, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler made jokes about Bill Cosby. And to show there were no hard feelings, today Cosby offered to buy each of them a drink.

Last night was the premiere of TLC’s controversial new show, "My Husband’s Not Gay." Unfortunately, their entire target audience was watching the Golden Globes.

The top movie at the box office this weekend was "Taken 3." In "Taken 3," movie audiences are held hostage by a plot that was hijacked from "Taken 2."

The potential presidential candidate most voters said they'd like to live next door to is Elizabeth Warren. Personally, I’d like to live next to Mitt Romney, because that would mean I have billions of dollars.

According to a new survey, more than half of all senior citizens are now on Facebook. And sadly, none of them know it.

Nike announced that this year, it will release self-lacing tennis shoes. By the way, if you're too lazy to lace up your tennis shoes, you're really gonna hate tennis.

Tiffany Jewelers just released an ad that features a gay couple for the very first time.  A spokesman for Tiffany’s said that everyone, whether they are gay or straight, should have the right to grossly overpay for jewelry.

A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it’s gotten so bad, he can’t afford to buy his wife her own car that she’s not allowed to drive.

Motorola plans to release a collar that allows dogs to tell their owners what they’re doing all day. Basically, the owner gets a series of text messages that either say, "Eating Food" or "Licking My Balls."

A man at an auction recently bought a rare penny for $2.5 million. I don’t think the guy’s that bright because he then bought that $2.5 million for $9.6 million.

Same-sex couples can now get married in Florida, and are pledging "Til Meth Do Us Part."

Yesterday was National Kiss A Ginger Day. For some reason nobody told me about it until today.

The former governor of Virginia has to report to prison next month to serve time on corruption charges. And his cellmate can’t wait to remind him that "Virginia is for lovers."

Tea Party favorite Senator Ted Cruz has been appointed to oversee NASA in Congress. He said he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens, so he can deport them.

Republican Mike Huckabee criticized the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to Beyoncé due to her explicit lyrics. So now the Obama girls are faced with the tough choice every teen must eventually make: listen to Beyoncé or Mike Huckabee.

A Congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing President Obama to Hitler. Which is ridiculous, because at this point in his career, Hitler had a much higher approval rating.

Zooey Deschanel just announced that she is pregnant with her first child. She doesn’t know the baby’s gender, but she does know it has bangs.

An NFL player was arrested in Florida on gun charges. The news was shocking to anyone who knows nothing about the NFL or Florida.

Yesterday, a Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just two passengers. And get this - they lost their luggage.

A brewery in Iceland has produced a beer that is partially made from whale testicles. When asked why, the brewer said, "I’m having a lot of problems at home."

Bravo is considering putting "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" on hiatus because one of the cast members is in prison. The producers promised the show will start up again as soon as all the Housewives are in prison.

Health officials have determined that the origin of California’s recent measles outbreak is Disneyland. As a precaution, today officials closed down Disney’s popular ride, "It’s a Small Pox World."

People are referring to Mitt Romney’s possible presidential run as Mitt 3.0. Coincidentally, Mitt 3.0 is also the name of Romney’s third son. He’s a toaster oven with nice hair.

Possible Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee slammed the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to Beyoncé. Huckabee said, "My kids chill to Nicki Minaj."

The Tea Party Congressman who sent a tweet that compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler has now apologized. Not helping is that he apologized to Hitler.

Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why he went to a Buddhist temple, the Pope said, "Just keeping my options open."

For the first time since 2007, the FDA has approved a new device to treat obesity. This amazing breakthrough is called a "vegetable."

A surveillance camera at an Idaho high school appears to have caught evidence of a ghost. Later, officials examined the milky white image and concluded it was just another resident of Idaho.

On Monday, a Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just 2 passengers. Yet somehow, they spent the whole flight fighting over the armrest.

Everyone is okay, but instead of sending his kid to school with his lunch, a man sent him to school with $18,000 worth of drugs and knives. The man is in jail, and his 3-year-old has cornered the cookies and juice market.

A man who fell overboard off a Royal Caribbean cruise ship was rescued hours later by a Disney cruise ship. The Disney ship was playing the Frozen soundtrack, so he immediately jumped back overboard.

In China, a woman cut off her husband’s penis after she found out he was cheating, and then, after it got sewn back on, she went to the hospital and cut it off again. It just goes to show you, two wangs don’t make a right.

At Dartmouth, 64 students are being accused of cheating in an ethics course. They've all been given an honorary doctorate in Irony.

This year’s Oscar nominations are being called the "whitest" in 19 years. Here’s how white it is - I was nominated for best supporting actress.

Many are protesting the fact that the majority of the Oscar nominees are white. The Academy responded, "Don’t worry - minorities will still tune in for host Neil Patrick Harris."

Many are shocked that "The Lego Movie" was not nominated for best animated picture. It’s shocking because when you think about it, the Academy has a long tradition of honoring plastic people with frozen faces.

The film "Selma" was snubbed and some people are saying it's because of the film's historical inaccuracies. However, that theory was dismissed by the actress who played Coretta Scott King - Tara Reid.

After the State of the Union Address, President Obama plans to sit down with three YouTube celebrities. That’s right - the President is going to have lunch with a cat, a bear, and a waterskiing squirrel.

Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there’s been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney.

A federal judge ruled that South Dakota must allow gay marriage. It’s great news for hundreds of South Dakota’s gay couples, and here’s the cool part, two of the heads on Mt. Rushmore.

Researchers now believe Neanderthals were more technologically advanced than previously thought, based on an ancient tool that they just discovered. That tool, surprisingly enough - a "Bedazzler."

An Australian man dressed as a Star Wars Stormtrooper was attacked by a deadly snake that tried and failed to bite through his costume. The man said the Stormtrooper costume is designed to fend off snakes and girls.

Miley Cyrus has posed naked for a magazine. Now is it just me, or is US News and World Report getting desperate?

In China, a woman cut off her husband’s penis after she found out he was cheating, and then, after it got sewn back on, she went to the hospital and cut it off again. When reached for comment, the man said, "If she had paid this much attention to my penis before, we wouldn’t be in this mess."

Discovery Channel has said that from now on they will only air factual documentaries. Or as they were known in the old days, documentaries.

Two men climbed El Capitan using only their hands and feet. It’s like that time I walked to the bathroom without my slippers.

Liam Neeson denied he made a remark that he was converting to Islam. You can see it all in the new action thriller, Taken…Out of Context.

Idea for 2015: haikus go to 6-8-6.

To advance to the Super Bowl, the Seattle Seahawks scored two touchdowns in the final two minutes and then won in overtime. I told my wife, "See, two minutes can be very exciting."

New England and Seattle will meet in the Super Bowl and get this - I’m from New England and my wife is from Seattle. Which means no matter who wins the Super Bowl, I lose.

According to a new poll that just came out - nearly 6 out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for President. And so do 10 out of 10 Democrats.

Over the weekend, the Pope told a group of men that they need to listen to women better. The Pope then lowered his voice and said, "That is, if you want to get some…"

The #1 female middleweight boxer in America is also an IHOP waitress. And the #1 heavyweight in America is an IHOP customer.

For the first time ever, "The View" was beaten in the ratings by another daytime show called "The Talk." However, both shows are losing viewers to something called "The Off Button."

In Florida, a teenage boy was arrested for posing as a doctor. After hearing about it, Dr. Phil said, "Wait… it’s illegal to pose as a doctor?"

A Delaware police officer was caught on his dash camera dancing and lip-syncing to Taylor Swift’s "Shake It Off." He is suspended without pay pay pay pay pay…

There’s a new memoir out written by a man with two penises. I’m sorry - but I think there’s something wrong with a guy who has two penises and still has time to write a book.

Nothing makes me feel sexier than overpaying for a blazer.

One of the guests at the State of the Union Address was an undocumented immigrant. Or, as Fox News kept calling him, "President Obama."

President Obama just had Oprah over to the White House. I think Oprah gave him some advice because tonight during his State of the Union speech, President Obama gave everyone in the audience a brand new Nissan Sentra.

A new study reveals Vermont businesses could benefit financially by legalizing marijuana. And by Vermont businesses, I mean specifically Ben and Jerry’s.

One of the latest trends is "Starbucks Weddings." They occur when the Starbucks line is so long you actually have time to meet someone, fall in love and marry.

Google is planning to help launch satellites to beam free internet access around the world. They’re doing it in association with the global charity, "Porn Without Borders."

A new study says that children are suffering bad health effects from eating too much pizza. The study was explained in a pie chart which children immediately tried to eat.

At a medical center in Florida, a teenage boy was arrested for posing as a gynecologist. His patients grew suspicious when he nervously struggled to unhook their bra.

In Nevada, a man had a heart attack during sex in the desert and he had to pay $250,000 for an airlift to the hospital. Sounds like a lot, but it’s still the least anyone’s paid for sex in Nevada this week.

Comedy Central announced that they’re going to be roasting Justin Bieber on March 7th. The Bieber roast will start on March 7th and end sometime in June.

Remember "planking?" Me neither.

Last night, President Obama set the record for the most veto threats in a State of the Union Address. Towards the end of his speech, he was just yelling at Republicans, "Come at me, bitch!"

Last night, President Obama made history in his State of the Union Address by using the words "transgender," "lesbian," and "bisexual." It was that part of the speech where he was just starting to read Craigslist Personals.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during the State of the Union Address. She woke up to discover the other justices had used a Sharpie to draw a gavel on her face.

Citizens of Boston may soon get to vote over whether or not the city hosts the 2024 Olympics. It’s a simple ballot - Bostonians will either check off "Heah" or "Not Heah."

Security experts are now saying the most common password last year was 123456. Which is why an hour ago, I changed all my passwords to 123456…7!

Five workers at Disneyland have been diagnosed with the measles. Not only that, but nine of the Pirates of the Caribbean tested positive for scurvy.

In South Florida, Shaquille O’Neal has been sworn in as a reserve police officer. Personally, I can’t wait until he works undercover.

The controversy surrounding the New England Patriots and underinflated balls is now being called "Deflategate." Which means now my wife will have to use a different term to describe our honeymoon.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady gave a press conference today and he said that after equipment managers prepare the footballs, he doesn’t want anyone "touching the balls or rubbing the balls because the balls are perfect." Then members of the press took a 45-minute giggle break.

California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They’re in luck - because apparently everyone who was exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

Kid Rock is under fire for posting a photo of himself holding a cougar that he had just killed. People were outraged - until they realized the cougar was one of the "Real Housewives of Orange County."

In a new article, doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle than can be strengthened. I didn’t read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

A new study says Vermont could benefit financially by legalizing marijuana. Legal marijuana could lead to a lucrative new Vermont business known as the "Bed & Breakfast & More Breakfast, and Then More Bed."

The Federal government spent almost half a million dollars studying the effects of gay hook up apps. Turns out, they work great.

Today, Facebook’s oldest user turned 107 years old. Careful guys, she’s also the oldest user on Tinder.

Facebook’s oldest user turned 107 years old. She’s so old, when her friends poke her, it’s just to see if she’s still breathing.

AG Eric Holder ended the federal civil forfeiture program. Holder said, "It was the right thing to do, whatever the hell it is."

If your name is cool forwards, it's cool backwards. Case in point: Ksum Nole.

Word is that Jeb Bush is working on a 2016 campaign slogan. So far the frontrunner is: "Vote Bush - Because it’s Been the Required 8 Years."

The Northeast right now is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters say people have not seen a white-out like this since last week’s Oscar nominations.

Over the weekend, Sarah Palin has gone from "really interested" to "seriously interested" in considering a presidential run. And the American public has gone from "not interested" to "seriously not interested."

Potential candidates Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney met in Utah to discuss "the future." Because nothing says "the future" like two white guys in their 60's, in Utah.

In France, a court ruled that a couple cannot name their baby Nutella because the court said, "a name like that can only lead to teasing." So the couple has moved on to their second choice, Conan.

KFC is testing a new product called the Double Down Dog, get this - it’s a hot dog wrapped in fried chicken with liquid cheese on top. Just so you know, the new meaning of KFC is "Killing Fatties Cardiologically."

This summer, Disney is going to feature a "Frozen"-themed cruise ship. Sadly, 100 years ago, that’s how they promoted the Titanic.

Italy has released a video that’s aimed at ending offensive Italian stereotypes. I’m not sure the video is going to work, because it’s hosted by the Super Mario Brothers.

A company has developed a coffee that can help you fall asleep. It’s called the "Cosby-ccino."

For the Super Bowl, I have one of those curved TVs. Problem is, it wasn’t like that when I put it in my car.

A lot of people are mad at meteorologists for promising more inches of snow than actually fell. And folks, I’m mad at meteorologists because "not delivering as many inches as promised" is my thing.

Last night during the storm, Tinder went down. Which means people trapped indoors were forced to hang out with the person they married.

Some sports analysts are wondering if Seattle Seahawks player Marshawn Lynch is going to do his controversial "crotch grab" at the Super Bowl. Apparently with the Patriots around, NO ONE is leaving their balls unattended.

Today, President Obama is in the Middle East and met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia’s First Lady, the Second Lady, the Third Lady and the Fourth Lady.

In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is "very strong and talented" and she "frequently" tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican frontrunner for 2016.

President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any Radio Shack. After hearing this, Radio Shack’s CEO said, "I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want."

Today, the Apple iPad turns five years old. So it’s official, the iPad is as old as the people who make it.

Sarah Palin gave a confusing speech that a conservative magazine described as "meandering and bizarre." When asked for comment, Sarah Palin said, "True not. Fancy butter. Freedom. Me go."

In Taiwan, an adult amusement park is being built with sex-themed rides - including a giant penis ride. The worst part is, the giant penis ride ends at Splash Mountain.

Just five days before the Super Bowl, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is battling a cold. Doctors describe Brady’s cold as "very handsome."

A report claims Apple has so much cash it can afford to give every American $556. Apple responded by saying, "Or we could release a slightly different iPhone, and everyone could give us $556."

The new Surgeon General says health officials are in "desperate need of clarity" about e-cigarettes. Specifically, they need guidelines on whether they’re for "douchebags" or "a**hats."

At her confirmation hearing today, Attorney General nominee Loretta Lynch declared that waterboarding is "torture." Then she said, "But it’s still not as bad as the new Johnny Depp movie."

After a string of flops, Johnny Depp reportedly wants new management. Apparently, he’s firing his agent, Nicolas Cage.

The Sundance Film Festival is taking place right now in Park City, Utah, and reports say this one features a lot of diversity. Then again, in Utah, diversity is defined as "a Lutheran with a tan."

Taiwan is set to open a sex-themed amusement park. You can tell it was inspired by Disneyland, because one of the attractions is "Mr. Toad’s Unprotected Ride."

In Ireland, a drunk man was caught on video having a fight with a lamppost. People who saw the video say the big loser in the fight was Ireland.

During a speech in Iowa, Sarah Palin said, "The man can only ride ya when your back is bent. So strengthen it. Then the man can’t ride ya." Then she debuted her new campaign slogan, "I’m Batshit Crazy."

Sports Illustrated laid off all its photographers. Good luck finding someone willing to take pictures of hot swimsuits models for free.

Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated at Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year, after the game, the Super Bowl MVP is going to shout, "No friggin' way am I going to Disneyland."

It’s been predicted that Americans will consume 1.2 billion chicken wings on Super Bowl Sunday. And then after breakfast, they’ll tune into the Super Bowl.

Experts say this Super Bowl Sunday could also be the second biggest day of the year for drinking beer. Of course the biggest beer drinking day is a tie between St. Patrick’s Day and the 6th day of Hanukkah. Nobody has any idea why. The Jews just go crazy on that day. Beer and open flame.

The Super Bowl’s a little loaded at my house - I'm from Boston and my wife is from Seattle. But ladies and gentlemen, the one thing keeping us together is we both want to do Tom Brady.

Just ruminating on how different my life would be now if my childhood nickname had been "Gronk" instead of "There he is - Get him!"

Hot wings, bean dip, 20 dudes in my living room - plans are all set for Valentine’s Day!

Yesterday the New England Patriots beat the Seattle Seahawks - and this is true - I’m from Boston and my wife is from Seattle. So my question tonight is, does anyone have a couch I can crash on?

True story: I was watching the Super Bowl, and for the first hour, I was like, "These guys are just standing around doing nothing!" And then one of my kids told me I had forgotten to turn off "Madden 2015."

From now until Valentine’s Day, McDonald's will be accepting payment in hugs. This is great news for anyone who hasn’t heard about the measles outbreak.

Yesterday, a man was arrested for attempting to get into the White House. Luckily, the man was intercepted after taking advice from Seahawks coach Pete Carroll.

On Friday night, Chris Christie and Mitt Romney met for dinner. Afterwards, Romney said, "It’s the first time I couldn’t afford to pick up the check."

Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee said homosexuality is a lifestyle choice, like drinking and swearing. He said, "The last time I got drunk, I swear I had gay sex."

Charles Manson’s wedding has been called off. When asked why, Manson said, "I had to listen to my heart, not the voices in my head."

The creator of the birth control pill has passed away. He leaves behind a wife and two kids he never wanted.

I can’t believe I didn’t win the Super Bowl office pool with the numbers I drew, ½ and Pi.

Boston postponed a victory celebration for the New England Patriots due to a record-breaking winter storm. The storm was originally supposed to hit Seattle, but at the last second New England jumped in the way.

A group of parents in Southern California are angry after a Boy Scout hiking trip went through a nudist beach. On the bright side, all the kids pitched a tent in record time.

The left shark who completely forgot its dance routine in Katy Perry’s halftime show has become a star on social media. And the right shark has begun a slow descent into heroin addiction.

On Sunday, Kanye West was angry because fans at the Super Bowl tried to take selfies with him. He was also angry because people seemed to be watching some "non-Kanye-thing" down on the field.

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked "a notable amount of pot in school." He said, "You would too, if your parents named you 'Jeb.'"

The author of "To Kill A Mockingbird" is publishing her second novel after a 55-year hiatus. This one’s entitled: "Mockingbird 2: Mock Harder."

Queen Elizabeth said that she will not bring any more corgi dogs home to Buckingham Palace because they pose a tripping hazard. This was immediately deemed the Whitest Problem in the History of the World.

The United Kingdom could soon become the first country to legalize babies that were born using the DNA of 3 people. In a related story, Andy, myself and Ryan Gosling have a big announcement to make.

In the United Kingdom, a man underwent 31 plastic surgeries to make himself look like a human Ken Doll. But correct me if I’m wrong, but to look like a Ken Doll, don’t you only have to have one surgery?

I don’t know about you, but I always set my Doomsday Clock five minutes ahead.

Tom Brady said he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady is giving his truck to Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll.

It just came out that two men from Ireland snuck into the Super Bowl and sat in seats valued at $25,000. Apparently, they were able to sneak in because they were dressed as dancing sharks.

A Budweiser Clydesdale was born on Sunday just minutes before the Budweiser puppy commercial aired during the Super Bowl. Yeah, but more shocking, it then drowned in a bathtub during the Nationwide ad.

This week, Hillary Clinton tweeted, "The earth is round, the sky is blue, and vaccines work." In response, Mike Huckabee said, "She lost me at 'The earth is round.''

The CEO of Disney has said that the Disneyland measles outbreak has had no effect on park attendance. The CEO of Disney said, "Those dumb bastards just keep on coming."

Staples has agreed to buy Office Depot for six billion dollars. The funny thing is they just popped in there to buy envelopes…and then they got carried away.

A woman in Wisconsin was asked to leave a McDonald’s because other customers felt unsafe around her therapy kangaroo. So the woman had to leave before she could buy her hoppy meal.

The Surgeon General has come out in favor of medical marijuana. He's also asking that his title be changed from "Surgeon General" to "Doctor Goodvibes."

Bruce Jenner has agreed to do his first television interview about his gender transitioning. The interview will begin on ESPN, and end on the Oxygen Network.

Johnny Depp is getting married this weekend. It’ll be a small wedding, just the people who saw "Mordecai."

A new study just came out, and it says that exercising too much can be just as unhealthy as not being active at all. The study was conducted by me, after two and a half pushups.

My trainer says he can get me in "Hemsworth brother after a bout with mono" shape.

Today, House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, "NOW can I go to Elton John’s Oscar party?"

Republicans in Congress have unveiled a new alternative to Obamacare. It’s called "dying."

Brian Williams has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true, but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese.

Brian Williams could be in a lot of trouble at NBC, but I’m not worried - he’s getting advice from his daughter Allison on how to survive a chewing-out.

Today the Pope revealed he doesn’t know how to use a computer. Which is ironic, because he’s the one guy in the world who doesn’t have to worry about clearing his internet history.

Over 100 Native American tribes have expressed interest in growing marijuana. This is according to Native American spokesman, "Chillaxing Eagle."

Researchers have found a way to let smartphones test for STDs. Here’s how it works, if you’ve downloaded the Tinder app, you probably have an STD.

Scientists have discovered that a 5,000 year old mummy is covered with at least 60 tattoos. Scientists are calling him the earliest known member of the NBA.

The upcoming "Fifty Shades of Grey" movie will contain 20 minutes of sex scenes. That’s six more than "The SpongeBob Movie."

Just found out my audition tape for "Magic Mike" was immediately sent over to "Tragic Mike."

Looking back on my life so far, I’m proud to say I’ve only committed speakable horrors.

I'm shocked. Back when Brian Williams and I killed Osama Bin Laden, he seemed like an honest guy.

The author of "50 Shades of Grey" has finished her next book. But she won’t release it unless you say the safe word.

At the Grammys, Kanye West jumped onstage and interrupted when Album of the Year was announced. Which, of course, means six more weeks of winter.

Last night at the Grammys, audience members reported smelling a lot of marijuana in the audience. Which may explain why the Grammy for Best Song went to the jingle for Hot Pockets.

Brian Williams won the Grammy for Best Spoken Word in the Fiction category. At least I think he did - that’s what he told me.

At the Grammys last night, Madonna appeared on stage dressed as a matador. That’s right, Madonna and matadors, two things that were big in the last century.

It was Bob Marley’s 70th birthday this past Friday, and on that day, Jamaica decriminalized possession of marijuana. Still no word if anyone in Jamaica has tried it yet.

To woo Republicans, and to woo Republican members of Congress specifically, President Obama is giving them rides on Air Force One. He said, "I like seeing the look in their eyes when they realize the Earth isn't flat."

The inventor of the soy sauce dispenser bottle has passed away. Well, he actually died months ago, but was just found in the back of the fridge.

An old pair of shoes once owned by Justin Bieber has sold on eBay for $50,000. And I’ll be honest - they’re a little tight on me.

Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, the NBC Nightly News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note, those figures were reported by Brian Williams.

There is a rumor that NBC is going to have Tom Brokaw fill-in temporarily as NBC News Anchor. When asked why Brokaw, a network spokesperson said, "Because the only other NBC icon we have from the ‘80s is Bill Cosby."

Louisiana’s Governor Bobby Jindal is Indian-American, and people are saying his new official portrait makes him look more white. They didn’t change his skin color, they just painted him at a hockey game riding a Segway.

This weekend, the movie "Fifty Shades of Grey" opens. The movie lasts 125 minutes - unless you say the "safe word."

Some hardware stores are stocking up on rope and duct tape in anticipation of the movie "Fifty Shades of Grey." Apparently, tying your boyfriend up is the only way to get him to go see "Fifty Shades of Grey."

It's been reported that Beyoncé wore $10 million worth of jewels to the Grammys. When asked why, Beyoncé said, "I didn’t want to bring the good stuff."

It’s been reported that Samsung’s new Smart TVs could be listening to your conversations. The televisions are only listening to us because they too are getting bored with "Downton Abbey."

Two members of The Village People are in court to battle over who wrote some of their big hits like "YMCA." It’s the landmark case of "Cop Vs. Indian Chief."

Kanye West just ran up, grabbed my "World’s Greatest Dad" mug, and gave it to a more deserving recipient.

A new poll just came out and it shows Brian Williams has fallen from #23 to #835 on the Most Trustworthy Celebrity list. This puts him right between Kanye West and Voldemort.

NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he’s not worried, because soon his veteran’s benefits will kick in.

A new report says last year, Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can’t remember where they put it.

Charles Manson has officially broken off his engagement to his 27-year-old fiancée. When asked why, Manson said, "Her mother was a total psycho."

I think Master Chef Jr. might be fixed. They just showed a close-up of a kid's hand, and it had liver spots and a wedding band.

Saw the "Fifty Shades of Grey" movie. It’s 90 minutes of some half-naked guy searching for a tiny handcuff key.

Puerto Rico may fine parents up to $800 if their kids are obese. Well, Puerto Rico, I guess you're not interested in statehood.

I may have just swallowed a candy heart with a stent.

I put the "erectile fun" in "erectile dysfunction."

Yesterday, I returned from Cuba, and then today, House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi arrived in Cuba. Which explains why today, the Cuban government asked America to, "Please stop sending us your ambiguously female celebrities."

I had an amazing experience in Cuba, the people there are absolutely fantastic, but I do have to say it’s very nice to be back home in front of all you capitalist pigs.

A new book about President Obama is coming out, and it reveals that he can have a very short temper. In fact, originally his campaign slogan wasn’t "Yes We Can," it was, "Come At Me, B****."

Surveyors announced that the Washington Monument is 10 inches shorter than what’s been recorded. Of course, the monument is blaming the shrinkage on the cold weather.

There’s a new device that allows airline passengers to completely isolate themselves from their rowmates. The device is called "a baby."

There is a rumor that the San Diego Chargers might move to Los Angeles. The Chargers could be here for the 2016 season, or the 2017 season depending on traffic.

He's going to be okay, but in a Glasgow movie theater showing "Fifty Shades of Grey," a man was attacked by three rowdy women. The police handcuffed the women, so their plan worked perfectly.

In California, parents are complaining that a drive-in movie theater showed "Fifty Shades of Grey" on a big screen right next to "The SpongeBob Movie." They knew something was wrong when kids started asking, "What is that lady doing to Squidward’s tentacle?"

Jeb Bush’s mother, Barbara Bush, has given her son her blessing to run for President. So now Jeb’s campaign slogan is, "My Mommy Said I Could."

The Westminster Dog Show was won by a beagle named Miss P. Meanwhile, the dog in second place was heard complaining, "Whose crotch did SHE have to sniff?"

After a bunch of security breaches, President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The Secret Service director was so excited, he jumped over the White House fence for joy.

The restaurant chain Saladworks has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Analysts attribute the failure to it being "a salad restaurant located in America."

The USDA has approved the first genetically modified apples that don’t turn brown after being sliced open. The no-browning apples are being called "groundbreaking," "revolutionary," and "slightly racist."

An executive at Apple helped design the lightsaber for the new "Star Wars" film "The Force Awakens." In fact they’ve already had to rename the movie: "The Force Awakens, Unless the Battery’s Been On For 4 Hours."

The makers of a pill to boost women’s libido is trying a third attempt at approval after two rejections. It’s designed for guys who are also making a third attempt after two rejections.

'90s rapper Vanilla Ice has been arrested on burglary charges. Ice’s lawyers say they can prove their client’s innocence, but not his relevance.

Oscar host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes that the broadcast on Sunday will include a "Kanye moment." Unfortunately, a Kanye moment may not be possible, because that would require there to be a black person at the Oscars.

A year after mispronouncing Idina Menzel’s name, John Travolta will again be presenting an Oscar. Travolta said, "I’m very excited to introduce the star of 'The Imitation Game,' Benadryl Cumberb****."

Yesterday, during his speech on national security Jeb Bush mispronounced "Boko Haram" and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W said "He sure sounds presidenciary to me."

A UN report says the world can be saved from destruction through veganism. So that’s not happening.

Starbucks has just launched a home delivery service. It's perfect for anyone too lazy to walk one block in any direction.

Experts now say there are two kinds of sexuality - monogamous and promiscuous. Or as they're known - female and male.

A chair-throwing brawl erupted in the Turkish Parliament. The session was eventually called to order by Turkish Prime Minister Jerry Springer, so everything’s fine.

A study just came out that found that getting bullied by your brothers is more common than getting bullied at school. The study was conducted at my house in the '70s.

Little Caesar’s just introduced a giant deep-dish pizza with a crust wrapped in 3 feet of bacon. Two hours ago, Pizza Hut surrendered.

In Florida, a naked woman on drugs stopped at an intersection and then masturbated on the hood of a car. Police arrived on the scene, watched for 40 minutes, and then arrested her.

Just gave my daughter "the talk," where I explain that one day, Joe Biden might place his hands on her shoulders.

Now that those new, untouched photos of Beyoncé have surfaced, the truth is out: I am the one they call Beyoncé.

Last night, Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu won Best Director and Best Picture for "Birdman." I don’t have a joke here, I just wanted to impress you with my sensual pronunciation of “Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu.”

Winners at the Oscars drew attention to racial injustice, equal pay for women, and immigration reform. Unfortunately, they were each played off with the song, "Everything Is Awesome."

During her acceptance speech last night, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then, Oprah stood up and said, "She’s right, I can’t live like this."

"Interstellar" won the Oscar for Best Visual Effects. I thought the effects were incredible - they actually made it look like Matthew McConaughey understood physics.

Donald Trump commented on last night’s Oscars, and said, "It was a great night for Mexico - as usual," in this country. Today, Mexicans who have it great in this country were unavailable to comment because they were working their third job.

During his acceptance speech, the winner for Best Supporting Actor, JK Simmons, told everyone to call their parents. I tried to call my parents, but they were at the movies watching "Fifty Shades of Grey."

That unreleased book by Dr. Seuss they just discovered proves that "Fifty Shades of Grey" was completely plagiarized.

If Congress can’t agree on funding by Friday, TSA workers may have to work without pay. The head of the TSA said, "That’s okay, we don’t do for money - we do it to see what your junk looks like."

Jay-Z and Beyoncé are in the news because they’re renting a house in Los Angeles for $150,000 per month. The house was renting for $2,000 per month, until the landlord got a rental application from Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

Nicolas Cage is going to be starring in a film based on Edward Snowden. Cage said he’s perfect for the role, since he knows what it’s like to go into hiding after doing something people don’t like.

Today, each Krispy Kreme franchise is giving away a free donut to its first 1,000 customers. Unfortunately, it’s not going well since the first customer is still stuck in the door.

The new James Bond movie in production features the oldest ever Bond girl. Which explains why he spends a lot of the movie repeating, "I SAID BOND, JAMES BOND."

A blind man in Minnesota has received a bionic implant allowing him to see his wife for the first time in 10 years. Then after she went to bed, he went on the Internet and looked at porn.

Apple’s next iPhone update will include 300 new racially-diverse emojis. They’re adding one African American emoji and 299 white emojis who brag about having a black friend.

Some people are saying that Bill O’Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980's. People became suspicious because O’Reilly says he was injured in the east coast-west coast "rap wars."

A few days after Rudy Giuliani said that President Obama doesn’t love America, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said he doesn’t know if Obama is a Christian. When reached for comment, President Obama said, "Guys, you know I can’t run in 2016, right?"

Disneyland just raised its ticket prices to $99 a day for kids over 10. However, kids with measles still get in free!

A new study suggests that a dishwasher may increase a child's risk of developing allergies. So the message is clear, stop washing your kids in the freakin’ dishwasher.

The Ku Klux Klan is upset that same sex marriage has been legalized in Alabama. The Klan said, "Having two guys dress in white and party on the lawn - that’s OUR thing."

A new study came out and it claims muscular men make the worst boyfriends. Come to think of it, I was kind of a jerk back in the day.

Over the weekend, a fire broke out at Disneyland. Witnesses said the fire at Disneyland spread "like measles at Disneyland."

UFC champ Ronda Rousey beat her opponent in 14 seconds. A former NFL player said that if he had eight weeks to train, he could beat Ronda Rousey in a fight. When they heard, the NFL said, "not helping."

A man posted a YouTube video of himself taping Mentos to his entire body and then jumping into a bath of Coke Zero. So it’s been another productive week for Joe Biden.

A Nebraska man was arrested after police found a container of marijuana in his car labelled "Not Weed." The man’s been found not not guilty.

To honor Leonard Nimoy, Canadians have been sketching Spock’s eyebrows, hair, and ears onto their five-dollar bill all across Canada. As a result, Canadians will now be called Canerdians.

IKEA has announced they’re going to come out with furniture that can charge your electronic devices. Next up for IKEA: Furniture that will last more than two years.

Starbucks announced that it will soon start producing documentaries. In response, a furious Netflix said, "Fine, we’re going to start streaming coffee into your living room."

In New York, a couple who’s been married 82 years celebrated a joint birthday together. Isn’t that nice? The theme of the party was, "Who Are You Again?"

Yesterday, Justin Bieber turned 21 years old. Justin started celebrating on Saturday five years ago.

Hillary Clinton is in trouble for conducting State Department business on private email. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton is in trouble for conducting all his business on Snapchat.

Analysts say that President Obama and the Israeli Prime Minister have different world views. For example, Netanyahu sees that dress on the internet as blue and black.

Last week, presidential hopeful Jeb Bush said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, "I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had."

China will soon begin casting  for its own version of "Saturday Night Live." Apparently it's so much like SNL, even the Chinese version won't have any Asian performers.

A new report says the nation’s air traffic control system may be vulnerable to hackers. One suspicious sign it’s been hacked is if your Delta flight appears to be taking off on time.

It was reported today that Edward Snowden may return to the US. He’s going to carpool with Julian Assange and Roman Polanski.

Two California teachers have been charged with having sex with students and giving them cocaine. On the plus side, the students involved had perfect attendance.

A new study reveals that only 2% of men have a penis size that is considered "abnormally small." So ladies, if a guy tells you he’s in the top 2%, ask him to elaborate.

Psychologists have found that going to sleep early may help ward off mental illness. In other words, if you stayed up late to watch my show you’re insane.

A Chinese family was kicked off a flight to Hong Kong because their three-year-old wouldn’t sit in his seat. As a result, the three-year-old missed his first day of work.

The dating app, Tinder, launched a premium service with something called "unlimited liking capability." Until now, the only other product that gave you "unlimited liking capability" was beer.

In a recent speech, Pope Francis called money, "the devil’s dung." By the way, The Devil’s Dung is also the name of the Pope’s garage band.

A new study just came out and it says dogs have trouble remembering specific events from their past. Which makes sense, because you might want to forget that you spent most of your life licking your balls.

A Seattle doctor was suspended after he was discovered sexting during surgeries. Here’s a tip, if you’re going to send a dick pic, make sure it’s yours.

I’m sorry that Boston has had so much snow this winter, but I’m happy the Arby's sandwich I left in my parents' backyard is still good.

McDonald’s new CEO wants to change it into a "modern, progressive company" - so Burger King says it’s planning to transition to a democracy.

A tech company demonstrated a drone that is controlled directly by the user's brain. It was part of the 2015 "What Could Go Wrong? Festival."

Marshawn Lynch is still trying to trademark the phrase "I’m just here so I won’t get fined." Where does he get off stealing my wedding vow?

If I were a mobster, my nickname would be Conan "Murdered Immediately" O’Brien.

On this date in Ancient Rome, Caesar was brutally killed moments after inventing the salad.

For the first time ever, gay people were allowed to march in Boston's St. Patrick's Day parade. And as a lot of guys in Boston feared, it turned everyone wicked gay.

Yesterday was the LA Marathon. It’s the only time of year you see someone running the streets of Los Angeles when it’s not the end of a car chase.

In New Hampshire, Tea Party candidate and presidential hopeful Ted Cruz had to comfort a little girl who got scared during his campaign speech. However, the little girl felt much better after Cruz reassured her he doesn’t have a chance in hell.

People are still angry about the threatening letter written by a Republican Congressman to Iran. Also not helping was that Republicans started the letter, "Dear Iran or Iraq - We can never keep you two straight."

Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said, "It took me that long to recover from the finale of 'The Bachelor.'"

Saturday was 3/14, or as otherwise known, International Pi Day, where the world celebrates the mathematical concept of Pi. Americans said, "You lost me at 'math,' but you got me back at 'pie.'"

It’s being reported that, because of the birth of his baby daughter, Chris Brown has decided to stop calling women "hoes" in his music. He said he’s going to go with the more traditional term, "b*****."

I’ve just completed my brackets for March Sadness, and it’s Preventable Famine over Plague by six points.

Today is St. Patrick’s Day. So to all my Irish-American viewers, I want to offer the traditional St. Patrick’s Day greeting: "Please hand over your car keys right now."

The Prime Minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at the White House. So finally, the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy.

For a charity event in May, Mitt Romney is going to box against former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield. Romney said, "It’s time to get my a** kicked by a different black guy."

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected President, he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry - he promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learnin’.

Officials in Indiana have discovered a working meth lab inside a Walmart. People became suspicious when they noticed a Walmart employee making a decent living.

Doctors have reported the number of vasectomies in this country increase by up to 50% during March Madness. So I guess for some guys, the Final Four refers to their sperm count.

Starbucks is encouraging its baristas to talk to customers about race. So far, most of the race conversations end up with black customers saying, "No, I don’t want to buy a Josh Groban CD."

It’s rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son is cheating on his girlfriend, Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it, Arnold said, "That’s my boy."

Doctors in South Africa performed the world's first successful penis transplant. Now, it’s on the guy’s forehead, but folks, it’s a start.

President Obama apparently filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama’s mind is elsewhere because his two top picks were Israel and Iran.

President Obama has decided he wants his Presidential Library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today, Hawaii’s governor said, "Great, who’s going to want to come to Hawaii now?"

During a recent interview with "Playboy," Dick Cheney said that President Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to "Playboy" said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime.

In addition to Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton, it’s now rumored that Al Gore is gearing up for a presidential run. When asked why, Gore said, "Because I also have a last name from the '90s."

A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, this study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

A bill was recently introduced to the Nevada state legislature that would allow dogs to use medical marijuana. And folks, you thought dogs loved playing Frisbee before.

In North Carolina, a man robbed a bank while dressed as Darth Vader. He’s believed to be armed and a virgin.

Lately, instead of showering, I just stroll through the perfume department at Macy’s.

A group is lobbying to replace Andrew Jackson’s picture on the $20 bill with a picture of a historic woman. So you better get used to saying, "Hey, can you break an Oprah?"

President Obama has suggested the idea of making voting mandatory for all Americans. Then Obama watched two minutes of "Duck Dynasty" and said, "Scratch that."

The US and Iran could reach an agreement by which Iran would get rid of 4,000 of its uranium-enriching centrifuges. And here’s better news: everyone here tonight is leaving with a free uranium-enriching centrifuge.

Starbucks is being criticized for asking its employees to discuss race issues with customers. Just this morning, a barista asked me if I wanted my coffee, "African American, or with a splash of Caucasian."

Texas is considering allowing concealed guns on college campuses. The guns will protect students against anyone trying to rob them, hurt them, or teach them science.

Robin Thicke and his wife have been officially granted a divorce. Although as it turns out, it’s word for word the exact same divorce agreement once granted to Marvin Gaye.

A German town is trying to end public urination by coating walls in the town with a special paint so that your pee splashes back at you. Unfortunately it’s not working, because that’s what most German guys are into.

Just found out "alma mater" is Latin for "place where I experimented with my sexuality."

Period. Word order DOES matter.

Disney has confirmed there will be a sequel to "Frozen". In this one, Princess Elsa moves to Boston to see what a real winter looks like.

Texas Senator and Tea Party favorite Ted Cruz has announced he’s running for President. He pledged to "lead America boldly forward into the late 1950s."

Ted Cruz just released a presidential campaign video and it’s in Spanish. Cruz said, "It’s important for me to reach out to the people I’m trying to deport."

People are questioning if Ted Cruz can even legally run for President because he was born in Canada. Because the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.

Facebook has announced that it will no longer allow posts of exposed female breasts. So, if you want to see exposed breasts, you’ll have to look anywhere else on the internet.

Jeb Bush’s brother George and his mother Barbara are helping with his fundraising efforts. It’s all in keeping with Jeb Bush’s campaign slogan: "Jeb Bush: I Am My Own Man."

Pope Francis had a pizza hand-delivered to him in his Popemobile. Apparently the Pope phoned it in and said, "Get it to me in 30 minutes or less or you’re going to Hell."

In an effort to repair its terrible reputation for animal abuse, SeaWorld has launched a new ad campaign. They hope it does better than their previous slogan: "Those Dolphins Are Lying."

The FDA has approved a potato genetically engineered not to bruise. The scientists are so confident the potato will not bruise, next weekend they’re having it fight Manny Pacquiao.

A new study has suggested that a short daytime nap can improve a person’s memory. In fact, you’ll always remember the moment your boss wakes you up and says, "Hey sleepy - you’re fired."

New research suggests that hugs can prevent people from getting sick. So I just want to say to all the women on my staff, I’m not a creep, I’m trying to save your lives.

The working title of my autobiography is "Sex Karate Maximum: Overdrive To Glory."

Senator Ted Cruz is running for President and he says he wants to abolish the IRS. So today, Cruz was endorsed by Nicolas Cage, Wesley Snipes, and Willie Nelson.

In a new interview, Ted Cruz says he used to like rock music, but after 9/11, he prefers country. Upon hearing this, Al-Qaeda said, "That was the plan!"

Canada has announced plans to launch air strikes against ISIS. Of course, in Canada, an air strike means dropping pamphlets that say, "Sorry to bother you fellas but could you tone it down a bit?"

Over the weekend, scientists thought they discovered hundreds of never-before-seen dinosaur tracks on a beach in France. However, the scientists later realized that Gerard Depardieu had just gone for a swim.

Burger King announced that its Chicken Fries will be served year-round. Previously, the Chicken Fries have only been sold during Heart Attack Season.

A new article just came out and it states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frownie faces.

There’s a new reality show on A&E and here’s the idea - it drops couples close to divorce on a deserted island to work things out. The show’s called "Double Homicide Island."

In Oregon, a man was arrested for blowing marijuana smoke into a baby’s face. The baby’s parents are furious and the baby is like, "whatevs."

It’s almost baseball season. Oh boy, I can’t wait for games 150-162.

After years of bashing Obamacare, Tea Party presidential candidate Ted Cruz just signed up for Obamacare. And next week, he plans to get gay married at a Planned Parenthood.

This week, President Obama and Hillary Clinton met for one hour behind closed doors. They spent three minutes discussing the 2016 campaign and the rest of the time watching the finale of "Empire."

A new report says the US faces a severe shortage of doctors. In fact, things got so bad that yesterday a triple bypass was performed by Dr. Dre.

The Heinz Corporation is merging with the Kraft Corporation to create one of the world’s largest food companies. By the way, the idea to bring together ketchup and mac & cheese was inspired by every meal I cooked in college.

Ford is releasing a new car that’s gonna force drivers to drive at the speed limit. So guys, get ready for the 2016 Ford Buzzkill.

NASA’s Mars Rover has just completed a "marathon," travelling 26.2 miles. And once again, it was beaten by a Mars Rover from Kenya.

The creator of the Super Soaker has been awarded $73 million in unpaid royalties from Hasbro. He had the choice of being paid in increments or having all $73 million shot into his face.

A pitcher for the Chicago Cubs who was supposed to start a spring training game accidentally drove to the wrong stadium. The Cubs pitcher realized he was at the wrong stadium the moment he saw hope in the eyes of a fan.

I could be wrong, but I think I just saw a commercial without a Who song in it.

One of the Sweet 16 teams is Notre Dame. Now I’m sorry, but if I want to watch the Fighting Irish, I’ll visit my parents.

In Canada, a college basketball player’s last name is the f-word. It’s really fun hearing the announcer describe him taking it to the hole.

In a new interview, Vin Diesel said "Fast & Furious 7" will win the Oscar for Best Picture. He’s being kept in a hospital overnight for observation.

A high school student in Louisiana has hacked into the school’s computer and changed many grades to A’s. Police are on the lookout for a Ferris Bueller. Anyone?

McDonald’s is introducing a Big Mac clothing line. Of course there already is a clothing line for Big Mac lovers - it’s called a hospital gown.

According to a new study that just came out, human waste contains gold and other precious metals. In the future, this could make things awkward the next time a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"

If you ever see me at Hooter's, I'm just there to judge others.

It was probably a mistake to pick Hogwarts in my March Madness bracket.

I can’t hear "Sweet 16" without thinking of the special party my parents threw for me in high school.

A Baltimore Raven published a complex study in a math journal. The NFL suspended him for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Buzzfeed now has a seat in the White House press briefing room. I read about it in their list of 14 Sentences That Confuse Your Grandmother.

The Final Four is headed to Indiana where the state just passed a law that discriminates against gay people. Just wait until Indiana finds out all those players shower together.

The anti-gay law in Indiana is so bad it could affect the tournament. At the games, the vendors are going to make you explain exactly what you plan to do with that foam finger.

An iPad used by the Pope is being auctioned off for charity. When asked why, the Pope said, "I gave up Candy Crush for Lent."

The Atlanta Falcons are coming under fire for pumping fake crowd noise into their stadium during football games. You could tell it was fake, because on the third down, the fans would chant "WHEEL OF FORTUNE!"

The ex-governor of Maryland, Martin O’Malley, said "the presidency of the United States is not some crown to be passed between two families." Jeb Bush said, "That’s true, it should really just belong to one family."

There's a new app that helps you find missing dogs using facial recognition technology. There’s also a companion app for dogs to find their owners using crotch-recognition technology.

Apple announced it will only sell the Apple Watch in the store, by appointment. In a related story, Casio announced it will only be selling its watches in a van, behind the Chick-fil-A.

The Navajo Nation has decided to add a 2% tax on junk food. The junk food tax was opposed by respected Navajo leader Chief Binges On Hot Pockets.

California has run out of room to house its death-row inmates. Which is why they’re all here in my audience tonight!

Not sure about SeaWorld’s new ad campaign "You Either See Them Here or at Red Lobster."

Earlier today, NASCAR’s chief communications officer said that NASCAR is disappointed in Indiana’s religious freedom law. Do you hear that Indiana? You’re not progressive enough for NASCAR.

Indiana’s Governor Mike Pence said the new religious freedom law is not a license to discriminate against gays. He said, "Think of it as more of a 'Learners’ Permit.'"

As of this week, the only state President Obama hasn’t visited while in office is South Dakota. South Dakota residents said they are looking forward to President Obama or any black person visiting soon.

Nigeria just held their election and incumbent President, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Better Luck Jonathan.

A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a one-year-old child beer and rum to celebrate Kentucky’s NCAA win. She broke the golden rule of Kentucky childrearing: "Never mix beer and liquor."

In Thailand, a man has been sentenced to 25 years in jail for insulting the king on Facebook. This does not bode well for next year’s Comedy Central Roast of the King of Thailand.

Justin Bieber announced he is working with Kanye West on a new album. It’s coming out this fall - it’s called "Who Do You Hate More?"

It’s looking like Gary, Indiana will no longer be a honeymoon destination for gay couples.

Indiana’s governor is coming under fire for the new anti-gay law. Well guess what - the Governor of Indiana now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards, he said, "April Fool’s."

In Indiana, a pizza restaurant is now saying it will not provide pizza for gay weddings. The good news is, only straight people are tacky enough to want pizza at their wedding.

For the first time, a vegan, gluten-free bakery has opened at Disney World. The place is called "It’s A Sad World After All."

A couple from England won the British lottery for the second time, and the odds of that happening were 283 billion to 1. So congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton.

A 95-year-old man has officially become the world’s oldest pilot. He’s also become the first pilot to fly at 25 miles an hour.

Kim Kardashian claims she and Kanye West are having sex 500 times a day to try and conceive another baby. Come on, Kim, 500 times a day? NO ONE has that much videotape!

It’s been reported that Facebook software can track you even after you quit Facebook. Which is why Facebook now wants to know what the hell you’re doing with that slut Pinterest.

In Tennessee, a man sued Pizza Hut after he allegedly broke a denture biting into an "excessively hard crouton." Which begs the question: Who goes to a Pizza Hut and orders the salad?

Indiana lawmakers claim they are going to tweak the new law to prove it’s not discriminatory to gays. For example, they’re lifting the ban on "live-tweeting the Tonys."

Yesterday, Burger King unveiled its new "Whopper" scented cologne. So ladies, if he smells like a Whopper, he’s either wearing the cologne or just ate one - either one, he’s a keeper.

In New York City, a woman gave birth in the back of an Uber. Even more impressive: the Uber app told her, "The baby will be here in 5 minutes."

Matthew McConaughey is being paid $135,000 to make a commencement speech. That works out to $4,000 per "alright."

Matthew McConaughey is being paid $135,000 to make a commencement speech. That works out to $4,000 per "alright."

The Rolling Stones have announced a 15-city tour of North America. Mick Jagger said it’s the biggest tour they’ve done on a single continent since the Stones toured Pangaea.

Hugh Jackman says the next "X-Men" movie will be his last time playing Wolverine. Your claws await, Dame Judy Dench.

I hope you don’t mind that I made you say "jambalaya" to yourself.

On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. Because if there are two groups the Pope has pull with, it's Jewish people and Muslims.

Today was the annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it’s a drunk Secret Service agent.

It’s just been discovered that Jeb Bush listed his ethnicity on his 2009 voter registration form as Hispanic. When asked why, Jeb said "It was the only way I could vote for the Latin Grammys."

On Saturday, after losing to Wisconsin, Kentucky fans went into the streets and started burning things. Meanwhile, Wisconsin fans went out and started frying things and covering them in cheese.

Indiana's tourism bureau is working very hard to restore its reputation after the anti-gay law controversy. I think they’re going about it the wrong way, because they put up signs on the border that say: "Indiana Welcomes Sodomites!"

Tea Party Senator Rand Paul revealed that his presidential campaign slogan is "Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream." Then he introduced his speechwriter, Eminem.

It's come out that the NSA monitors online porn, because some terrorist groups used it to send encrypted messages. So basically next time your wife catches you watching porn, just say "It’s not what you think, I’m hunting terrorists."

In Dubai, plans are underway for a "Hunger Games" theme park. It’s an interesting park, you show up with your kids and you leave without them.

A woman served her husband with divorce papers on Facebook. Seconds later, her husband celebrated on Grindr.

On opening day at Wrigley Field, the lines were so long for the men's bathroom, that many fans were forced to pee in cups.  Which is as close to number one as Cubs fans are ever going to get.

Election officials say that in 2016 it may be possible to vote for the President on your smartphone. So with one quick swipe you can choose a president AND tell him or her exactly where you want to hook up.

Burger King announced that they’re gonna pay for the wedding between an actual couple named Mr. Burger and Ms. King. However, their wedding night will be all about In-N-Out.

The top 15 contenders for the Republican presidential nomination own at least 40 guns among them. In other words, if we elect a Republican president, nobody is hopping over the White House fence.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has a new book coming out that slams President Obama. You can buy the book from Amazon, or download the electronic version directly from Cheney’s heart.

Somebody in Utah has come down with a rare allergy to water. The person’s going to be fine though, because they just moved to California.

California Governor Jerry Brown recently said that Californians could be fined for taking long showers. Then he unveiled his new slogan: "Governor Jerry Brown: I’m Watching You Shower."

Baseball is back, and this season there are new rules in place to speed up the game, make it faster. Rule number one, the players can’t take steroids but they must take meth.

There’s a new stamp that depicts beloved poet Maya Angelou, the only problem is it includes a quote that is not hers. Apparently, Maya Angelou never said, "Bitches be crazy."

NBC is airing a series about the Biblical events following the crucifixion of Jesus. I think they might be stretching the story for ratings, because it’s called "Jesus 2: Payback Time."

Presidential candidate Rand Paul said Mitt Romney’s defeat proves that safe candidates can’t win and that a candidate needs to take big chances. So about an hour ago Rand Paul announced his running mate will be Suge Knight.

The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has been narrowed to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive ads.

California may force the city of Beverly Hills to cut its water use by up to 35%. So yet another tough break for Beverly Hills farmers.

A new school textbook in North Korea claims Kim Jong-Un learned to drive at the age of three. Apparently the other thing he learned to do at the age of three was cut his own hair.

Someone has launched balloons carrying thousands of copies of the film "The Interview" over North Korea. North Koreans are now waiting for balloons carrying DVD players and electricity.

McDonald’s has announced plans to unveil even larger hamburgers. They’ve also announced plans to widen their doors and reinforce their floors.

The NFL has hired its first full-time female referee. It should work out great, because if there are two things NFL players respect, it’s authority and women.

There are now reports that by next year, Los Angeles could have two professional football teams. It’ll be just like that time we had more than one professional basketball team.

There is talk of a "Mad Men" spin-off, I can’t wait for "Better Call Joan."

A new book is coming out in which a former White House staff member reveals there was tension between Bill and Hillary Clinton. The book is called, "Shit Everybody Knows."

In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.

Senator Rand Paul’s announcement that he’s running for President has been pulled from YouTube because he used a copyrighted song without permission. Apparently, Rand Paul doesn’t own the rights to the song, "A Snowball’s Chance in Hell."

A new survey found that Chipotle is one of the most popular locations to take a first date. It’s also one of the most popular locations to break up if he’s still taking you to Chipotle after the fourth date.

A survey found that the most popular first date destination is Starbucks. The survey reveals there isn’t a second date if the guy says, "Grande, I’ll show you a grande."

Whose ass do I have to kiss to get in the new "Human Centipede" movie?

The top 15 GOP presidential hopefuls own at least 40 guns among them. If they don't win, they can still make their own "Expendables" movie.

Can’t wait to say "hold on - scrolling," when someone asks me for the time on my Apple Watch.

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. That’s right - she’s going to join the all-female cast of "Ghostbusters."

Over the weekend, President Obama had a historic meeting with Cuba’s Raúl Castro. The two didn’t plan to meet, but you never know who you’re going to bump into at Coachella.

Hillary Clinton released a video announcing her candidacy for President featuring a gay couple. Then an hour later, Bill Clinton watched a very different video featuring a gay couple.

Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s being called "The Least Exciting Spring Break Trip in History."

People are already trying to figure out what to call Bill Clinton if Hillary is elected President. So far, the most popular choices are "The First Man," "The First Husband," and "That Naked Guy Running Across the South Lawn."

Marco Rubio is running for President and his wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win.

It has been reported that Florida Senator Marco Rubio graduated high school with a 2.1 grade point average. Or, as it’s called in Florida, graduating with honors.

Scientists have located the section in the brain responsible for sarcasm. The scientists said "Isn’t that just the most important scientific breakthrough ever?"

A new report came out, it says dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98% accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100% accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die.

Rand Paul is an ophthalmologist who supports legalizing marijuana, making him the only candidate pro 20/20 and 4/20.

On Sunday Hillary Clinton announced she's running for President, and yesterday Marco Rubio announced he’s running for President. I might throw my hat in the ring, anyone can do it.

Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary Clinton popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. On her way out she was overheard saying, "Well that locks down the Hispanic vote."

Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for President - that title belongs to Victoria Woodhull who ran in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain.

President Obama has announced that next month he’s gonna visit his 50th state, South Dakota. Obama’s exact words were, "Let’s get this shit over with."

The Olive Garden has announced that it’s providing tablet computers at every table. Next up is an even more ambitious plan: Providing Italian food in every Olive Garden.

Jeb Bush just welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for President in 2048.

The state of Indiana has hired a PR firm to undo the damage from its religious freedom law. I think they may be trying too hard, because today the firm announced the new state motto: "Indiana - We’re OK With Buttstuff."

At Coachella this past weekend, Justin Bieber got into a backstage altercation and was put in a chokehold. Just goes to show you, you do not mess with Carly Rae Jepsen.

The President of Armenia met with the Kardashians. He asked them to change their name to "O’Malley."

A new report claims that Disney does not have enough gay, lesbian or bisexual characters in its movies. Then Olaf the snowman from "Frozen" said, "Oh yeah - you have no idea where this carrot’s been."

Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. For one thing, she’s not going to start speeches by saying, "Hello Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are!"

As of this year, the federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it, because after page 72,000 it gets really good.

In his lifetime, Marco Rubio has identified himself as a Mormon, a Catholic, and a Baptist. Rubio plans to address questions about exactly what his religious beliefs are this Saturday at his Bar Mitzvah.

Governor Chris Christie says if he is President he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.

Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez has been convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison. Hernandez’s lawyer plans to appeal and try to get his sentence down to two seasons with the New York Jets.

Today in New York City, hundreds of fast food workers on strike took to the streets and blocked traffic. If there’s one thing fast food workers know how to do it’s clog a major artery.

Kim Kardashian’s new book of selfies will include 23 shots of her butt. The book is called, "Hello Moon!"

The first McDonald’s opened 60 years ago this week. A McDonald’s spokesman said, "We’re proud to say that in 60 years our burgers haven’t changed and neither have our workers' wages."

Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. For example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year and she has to get by on $200 million a year.

Marijuana growers are complaining that they can’t write off a single expense thanks to federal law. Apparently, someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his "home office."

Southwest Airlines has widened its seats by almost one inch. I don’t think it’s gonna help, because during the announcement, Americans widened their asses by over ten inches.

A Wisconsin woman recently got a high school diploma at the age of 103, and said she is now considering going to college. Friends are recommending a two-year college.

A new report shows that the typical tourist in Las Vegas is a 45-year-old married person from California. That explains the new motto, "What happens in Vegas probably also happens in Fresno."

A member of the group ABBA is opening up an ABBA-themed restaurant where you sing and dance along with the waiters. It’s being called "a great place to take that special someone and finally tell them you’re gay."

My son wants to play football. I say he goes to prison now and cuts out the middle man.

Of all the candidates jumping into the Republican primary, my money’s on Stannis Baratheon.

Marco Rubio opposes gay marriage. He says every religion he’s joined is against it.

I think Hillary has spent too much time in New York. She keeps referring to the Iowa Caucus as the "Iowa Tuchus."

Last year, complaints about airlines increased 22%. There were probably more complaints, but the airlines lost them.

God would have created the Earth in just 1 day, but first He decided to "just check" Facebook.

Never thought my wife & I'd be buying diapers again, but sometimes God gives you a cousin who has to skip town and leaves a monkey behind.

The ex-governor of Rhode Island is running for president. You know what they say, "As Rhode Island goes so goes one county in Connecticut."

The NBA playoffs are underway. Or as the Lakers call it, "time to golf."

In last week’s interview, Bruce Jenner said he is a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he’s also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare, as soon as he finishes using it.

Apple has banned fart sound apps from being downloaded to the Apple Watch. Which is why I will be buying the Samsung Fart Watch.

It’s being reported that one in four Americans didn’t exercise at all this past year. When he heard, Chris Christie said, "Hey, maybe I COULD be President."

This Supreme Court's upcoming deliberations on gay marriage have apparently revealed great divisions between Justices Antonin Scalia and Anthony Kennedy. So I guess their engagement is off.

According to a UN study, the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they are so happy, Swiss people couldn’t answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother Mama June has announced that she’s bisexual. Then someone explained to her that "bisexual" doesn’t mean someone who loves both Wendy’s AND Burger King.

In England, a 102-year-old man and a 91-year-old woman are set to marry and become the world’s oldest newlyweds ever. It’s the only wedding where if the groom gets cold feet, they check his pulse.

There are reports that Leonardo DiCaprio has joined Tinder. He says the app works almost as well as his old method - going up to any woman and saying, "Hi, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio."

Over the weekend here in Los Angeles, Justin Bieber crashed a high school prom. Not only that, he won Homecoming Queen.

During Supreme Court arguments on same-sex marriage today, one of the conservative justices opposed it, on the grounds that they didn’t have gay marriage in ancient Greece. As a result, the Supreme Court has now banned electricity, sushi, and pants for men.

Yesterday, Instagram announced that users can now hashtag emojis. So ladies and gentlemen, it’s official, we all learned to read for nothing.

Today, the Supreme Court arguments regarding gay marriage were interrupted by a man screaming "you will burn in hell." After calming down, Justice Scalia said, "Sorry, I haven’t had my coffee yet."

An anti-gay politician has been caught sending a picture of his penis to another man on Grindr. The lawmaker defended himself saying, "I just wanted to show people on Grindr what a non-gay penis looked like."

Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, tomorrow’s game between the Orioles and the White Sox will be played to an empty stadium. When asked for comment, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, "You get use to it."

Pope Francis has advised priests not to give boring sermons. Which is why the Vatican has just arranged for every priest to walk out to the song "Y’all Ready For This?"

A new study reveals 1/3 of babies in the US have used a smartphone. And 1/3 of babies in China have made a smartphone.

Prince William’s pregnant wife Kate Middleton is past her due date and doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, "Come on out, you’ll never have to work a day in your life."

Bruce Jenner will be getting his own reality show. Unfortunately, as a woman, Jenner will only be making 70% of what he made on his last reality show.

Girls who play Minecraft can finally play it as girls instead of boys. Not to be outdone, today, Grand Theft Auto released an update that allows you to shoot a male prostitute.

The new "Mad Max" was filmed in an arid wasteland. Glad to see movie production coming back to California!

Pope Francis has reportedly advised new priests not to give boring sermons. He’s also telling nuns to start wearing tank tops.

Taco Bell is following up its Doritos tacos with new taco shells made of Fritos. It’s all part of Taco Bell’s new slogan, "Working Our Way Down the Stuff You Find Next To a 7-Eleven Cash Register."

In a speech yesterday, presidential hopeful Jeb Bush said that he is living the "immigrant experience." Jeb was unable to finish his remarks because just then he jumped into the back of a truck to go build a guy’s deck.

Hillary Clinton has come out in favor of body cams. Not for police - for husbands.

A new presidential poll reveals Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there’s only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Today, the Orioles and the White Sox played their game in front of a completely empty stadium. It was the first major sporting event to be played for an empty stadium unless you count every professional soccer game in America.

Tomorrow is the start of the NFL Draft. This year, it will be simulcast on ESPN and Court TV.

People are complaining that the new Apple Watch doesn’t work as well for anyone with a tattoo on their wrist. So: tattoo on your wrist or Apple Watch - you have to choose which way you want to be a douchebag.

Ford has recalled almost 600,000 vehicles for steering problems. Owners are being told to bring their cars in as close to the dealership as they can get.

Just saw the red band trailer for "Minions" - cute, but a few too many f-bombs for me.

Marvel has a new special edition comic book of "The Avengers" written entirely in Spanish. Although some are complaining that it’s not quite the same when the Spanish Hulk roars, "HULK NO ME GUSTA!"

McDonald’s just announced that they are simplifying their menu to speed up service. When asked why, a McDonald’s spokesman said, "Cause our customers don’t have much time left!"

Ford just recalled almost one million cars for steering problems and because the doors fly open. Which explains Chevrolet’s new slogan, "Ford just recalled almost one million cars for steering problems and because the doors fly open."

This year, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has reportedly had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is, when Kim Jong-Un comes into work with a new haircut, you tell him, "Lookin’ good, Un!"

In Oregon, a number of brewers are competing to turn sewer water into beer. The brewers said, "Hey, if Bud Light can do it, we can do it!"

There's an app for brides that tells the bride when you haven’t purchased a gift yet on their bridal registry. You can download the app from "Bed, Bitch, and Beyond."

A student at MIT designed a refrigerator that runs on water and sunlight. After hearing this, everyone in California asked, "Where the hell did you get the water?"

A company has developed a sex toy in which you can store your loved ones' ashes. So now you know what grandma means when she says, "Grandpa lives on in all of us."

One of the best pieces of wisdom I’ve ever received: Never buy a steak out of someone’s backpack.

Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.

I had an amazing weekend. You want to hear about it? I caught up on some sleep by watching the Mayweather-Pacquaio fight.

Back home in the Philippines, Manny Pacquiao is a congressman. Which may explain why he didn’t do much of anything the other night.

Neurosurgeon and Tea Party favorite Ben Carson announced he’s running for president. As a neurosurgeon who’s also a member of the Tea Party, Carson’s specialty is removing the part of the brain that believes in climate change.

While on his way to board a flight, President Obama gave a fist-bump to a 4-year-old boy. Or, as it was reported by Fox News, "President punches child, then flees on private jet."

For Star Wars Day, a group of fans made the world’s biggest Millennium Falcon out of Legos. Even more exciting, they also set a record for "World’s Biggest Cry for Help."

Kris Jenner now says she feels like her time with Bruce Jenner "didn't exist." She said, "If only there were some visual record of our family life together."

The Miller-Coors brewing company is being sued for labeling Blue Moon as a "craft beer." Meanwhile, Budweiser is being sued for labeling Bud Light as “a beer.”

According to a new study, men who are funny are better in bed. There’s no punchline here, I just wanted to get the word out on that.

A Florida man is suing a hospital for throwing his right leg away after it was amputated. The hospital says they’re not worried about the lawsuit because the man does not have a leg to stand on.

Today is Cinco de Mayo. Or to use its technical name, "Drunko de Gringo."

According to a new report, Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff is already worried that Bill has become a distraction. In fact, Bill Clinton’s new Secret Service code name is "Oh Jesus, Now What?"

Today, the 89-year-old Queen of England met her new great-granddaughter for the first time. Both cried a little, burped, and then fell asleep.

In New Hampshire, a 95-year-old WWII veteran successfully defended himself against a mugger by hitting him with his cane. The veteran will now face Floyd Mayweather next Saturday on pay-per-view.

Yesterday, Chris Brown was accused of assaulting a man in Las Vegas. Boxing fans are glad at least somebody got punched in Las Vegas this week.

Today, Kim Kardashian was at a Barnes & Noble in New York signing copies of her new book of selfies. Extra security was on hand just in case any real books tried to get too close to Kim Kardashian.

Over the weekend at Dodger Stadium, fans cheered a same-sex kiss. Afterwards, fans said they’ve never seen a pitcher and catcher do that on the mound before.

In Florida, a man was found guilty of having sex on a beach, and it only took the jury 15 minutes to reach a verdict. The jury foreman said, "Much like the defendant, we finished quickly."

So many Republicans are running for President. Mike Huckabee is an ordained minister from the same hometown as Bill Clinton. That’s right, two former governors from Arkansas who yell, "Oh, God" a lot.

Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a "Djibouti call."

On Mother's Day, Moms who go to Hooters can get a free meal with a drink purchase. Guys, this is the perfect way to tell your mother she raised a complete asshole.

The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being the Prince and Princess of the United Kingdom. Which I guess sounds better than "unemployed."

A holistic doctor has developed a trick that can help you fall asleep in 60 seconds. The doctor says all it takes is $99 and a Mayweather-Pacquiao rematch.

At Monday’s Chicago Cubs game, a fan ran onto the field and did a somersault at home plate. The Cubs didn’t mind, they were just happy to see someone reach home base.

A retired U.S. Olympic athlete said that he pulled out his daughter’s tooth by tying it to a string attached to a javelin and throwing it. After telling this story, he hung up the prison phone and returned to his cell.

Authorities in New York busted a gun-running operation allegedly headed by a 500-pound gang member nicknamed "Wobbles." The arrest took place on Saturday, and yet the strip search of Wobbles still goes on.

On Mother’s Day, Hooters is giving all mothers a free order of 10 hot wings with a drink purchase. I’d take my Mom, but I just took her there for Easter.

Amazon has just dropped "girl" and "boy" from describing children’s toys. The toys are now all under one category, "Crap Made In China."

There’s a new book coming out to help parents understand the game "Minecraft." And there’s a new update for "Minecraft" to help kids understand what "a book" is.

Using forensic technology, experts have created a picture of what they think Jesus looked like as a kid. When he saw it, Larry King said, "You got the nose wrong."

Is the link to the new "Magic Mike" trailer a good Mother’s Day gift?

In honor of Mother’s Day, President Obama called three moms. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton called 15 moms and he didn’t know it was Mother’s Day.

It’s come out that Barbara Walters admitted to stealing an artifact from the White House. She said, "I was young and I didn’t think President Lincoln would mind."

The U.S. unemployment rate is the lowest it’s been in nearly seven years. The job sector that’s seen the most growth lately is in the field of Republican presidential candidates.

A new report just came out and it reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie defended himself, saying, "Hey, both of those games went into overtime."

A federal appeals court has said the NSA’s monitoring of Americans' landlines was illegal. Now the NSA has to settle with the five people who still use a landline.

Fox announced "American Idol" will be cancelled next year. To add insult to injury, Ryan Seacrest was told the bad news by Fox executives who spun around in big red chairs.

The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games over Deflategate. They’re going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.

Carly Fiorina has a great strategy to win the nomination. She’s going to lay off the other candidates.

McDonald’s is starting to introduce kale into their salads. McDonald’s customers heard this and asked "What’s kale and what’s a salad?"

The World Health Organization is advising scientists not to name diseases after places or people. The World Health Organization made the recommendation after complaints from a Miss Ebola Ann Syphilis.

An Australian woman has gone on 136 first dates in 17 months, but never a second date. In other words, she looks nothing like her Tinder profile picture.

Scientists have discovered how to restore sight to blind mice. Next up, the scientists will try to restore the homes of three little pigs.

In China, authorities arrested a man for smuggling heroin under his foreskin. The man is going to jail, but his penis is now a huge rock star.

Kim Kardashian is being criticized for using too much water to maintain her lawn during the drought. Today, Kim denied it, saying "Ask anyone who knows me, my lawn is completely shaved."

Look for me in the credits of the new "Entourage" movie. I was "Lead Fedora Wrangler."

I don’t care what anyone says, I’m still sleeping in my Tom Brady pajamas.

C’mon, Republicans, two more presidential candidates and we’ll have an even 100.

Still trying to find a problem that cheese can’t fix.

My daughter tricked me into getting her an Apple Watch by threatening to get a wrist tattoo.

Today is a success. I did NOT click on a Buzzfeed link entitled "17 Ways Your Talkshow is Giving You Cancer."

At a commencement speech over the weekend, George W. Bush told college grads that even C students can become president. It was an inspiring speech entitled, "Try Kinda Hard, and Have the Right Dad."

President Obama has officially joined Twitter. Just what we needed, another place Republicans can block Obama.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you’re keeping score, that’s basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said worrying about NSA surveillance is, "baloney." Then he apologized, saying he thought the question was, "What is currently in your mouth?"

Over the weekend, Russian President Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.

Some experts say that hackers could soon be taking control of commercial airline flights. This raises the shocking prospect of one of them forcing a United Airlines flight to depart on time.

A new poll revealed that over a third of Americans have had sex in a public place. The poll was sponsored by the makers of Purell.

In China, a woman gave birth in the bathroom of an internet café, then jumped right back on the computer. She got back on the computer to Google, "What just came out of my vagina?"

A resort in Mexico has opened the world's first underwater bar. And shortly afterwards, it became host to the world’s slowest bar fight ever.

The State Department will release 55,000 pages of Hillary Clinton's emails. It's actually one long email chain with the subject header "Where is he?"

Political analysts say Hillary Clinton is doing her best to win over millennials. Hillary’s telling millennials, if all goes well, she, too, plans to move back into the home where she lived in the 90's.

A new report says that 80% of sunscreens either don't work or have questionable ingredients. In a related story, I don’t have long to live.

A new article says the Republican Party is dying - literally, because its voters are so old. Which may explain the GOP’s new slogan, "AVENGE MEEEE!!!!"

Jeb Bush has defended the right of business owners to refuse services for same-sex weddings, he says it’s okay. This has put millions of lesbians in the rare position of being "Anti-Bush."

According to a new survey, 14% of drivers say they use Twitter while driving. That explains the popular hashtag #ohShitATruck!

KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there’s one thing that’ll bring America together right now, it’s an old white guy dressed like a plantation owner.

A Starbucks employee has been fired after being caught on video berating a customer. Luckily, someone quickly calmed him down with a nearby Josh Groban CD.

Researchers are working on a method that lets you have virtual reality sex. The researchers say we will know they’ve perfected it when we don’t hear from them for three months.

My wife and I have an understanding. When a gorgeous model comes on the show, my wife understands I'll do nothing.

By 2020, the minimum wage in Los Angeles is gonna be raised to $15 dollars an hour. Which, by the way, is great news for the members of my band.

First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don’t worry - Vice President Biden is going to be okay.

President Obama has set a Guinness World Record as the fastest person to get a million Twitter followers. So it’s official, Obama now has as many followers as the Republicans have presidential candidates.

According to a new survey, roughly a quarter of drivers reported using Facebook while driving. This explains the hottest new thing being posted on Facebook: "Last selfies."

Snoop Dogg said his choice for president in 2016 is Hillary Clinton. Yeah, Snoop said, "You’d have to be a lot higher than me to vote for Ted Cruz."

Documents seized from Osama bin Laden’s compound suggest he was concerned about climate change. In other words, a guy who wanted to return the world to the 10th century was still more progressive than Fox News.

Three Southwest Airlines baggage handlers are accused of smuggling drugs in luggage. Officials became suspicious when every single one of the Southwest Airlines bags made it to its destination.

In Israel, a 65-year-old woman has given birth to a baby. There’s already some jealously from the baby’s older brother, a retired sheet metalworker.

LA will raise its minimum wage to $15 per/hour by 2020. Angelenos making minimum wage said they can’t wait to be able to buy things in 5 years.

College grads: If you’re looking for work, consider the fast-growing field of "Republican presidential candidate."

An earthquake hit Las Vegas. 1,200 Elvises were all shook up.

A new study claims coffee fights erectile dysfunction. That explains Starbucks' new slogan, "Who wants a grande?"

Saw "Mad Max: Fury Road." Not a lot of Priuses in that movie.

In Pennsylvania, an 80-year-old widow found a 40-something year old man living in her house. She waited two years then called the cops.

"Gazpacho" is Spanish for "no microwave."

"Or MAYBE having sex with this robot frees me up to appreciate you for your true qualities." – Every Guy Very Soon

My self-driving car sure does like Wendy’s drive-thrus.

When I'm on my death bed, my last words will be, "Who the hell put me on this death bed?"

Bruce Jenner is on the new cover of "Vanity Fair" as her new identity Caitlyn Jenner. This is historic, because Caitlyn’s the first woman from that family to appear on a magazine cover fully clothed.

Taco Bell says it will now get rid of all artificial ingredients from its menu. A spokesman said, "Come in and enjoy tacos made from Doritos, just the way Grandma used to make 'em."

Kim Kardashian just announced she is pregnant again. Kim said it’s been a difficult pregnancy - she wakes up in the middle of the night craving publicity.

A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, "Don’t be ridiculous, my daughter isn’t marrying a lawyer."

The big movie over the weekend was "San Andreas," it’s a movie about a devastating earthquake that hits California. Thanks to its success, it’s going to be followed up by the even more exciting movie, "Drought."

A new study says record numbers of college students from China are getting expelled from United States colleges for cheating. Great - so now Chinese students have finally beat Americans at the last thing we were #1 in.

Huge story last week, massive corruption in international soccer. Yeah, the first clue was when a soccer team scored a suspiciously high three goals in one game.

In Michigan, the world’s oldest person recently turned 116. When the president called to congratulate her she said, "Tell McKinley I’m busy."

In Georgia, a Hooters waitress donated a kidney to one of the restaurant’s regular customers. Just before the transplant, the waitress had to tell the doctors, "Hey, my kidneys are down here."

I had to suspend Andy for 4 shows for knowingly deflating my hair.

Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee said he wishes he could've been transgender in high school so he could've showered with girls. It’s all in keeping with Huckabee’s new slogan, "If this were 1954 I’d be hilarious."

The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. Because of the security lapses, the TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.

In a recent interview, the Pope revealed he doesn’t use the internet and he hasn’t watched television since 1990. Then he announced his plan to make Bill Cosby a saint.

It’s being reported that the IRS is using computer software that is 13 years old. If you want to complain, send an email to IRS@compuserve-aol-myspace.com.

In an interview, basketball commentator Charles Barkley said he'd like to shoot sports fans who act like jerks. Barkley was immediately reprimanded by the NBA, and recruited by the NFL.

An American teenage boy has invented a low-cost robotic arm you can control with your mind. I’d tell you more, but he won’t come out of his room.

The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be.

At a fashion award show last night, Kim Kardashian’s dress caught on fire. But the fire was immediately put out by a fire hydrant that Lady Gaga was wearing.

A new report just came out and found that Germany is the country with the lowest birth rate. I don’t know why — there’s nothing more romantic than when a husband says to his wife “LASSEN SIE UNS EIN BABY.”

A man in Texas has opened a male version of Hooters featuring buff men in skimpy outfits. The restaurant’s slogan is, "Those aren’t breadsticks."

Cameron Crowe has issued an apology for casting Emma Stone as a part-Asian woman in the movie "Aloha." The director also announced that his next film about Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch.

A petition is circulating to revoke Caitlyn Jenner’s 1976 Olympic gold medal. The petition was started by the guy who got the silver medal.

Evangelical Christian and Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is coming under fire for making insensitive jokes about being transgender. To make it up to the transgender community, he’s changing his name to Mike Tuckabee.

US officials are now investigating former FIFA President Sepp Blatter for corruption. The man is furious, he said, "How dare you sully the name Sepp Blatter? You’ve made a fool out of the name Sepp Blatter!"

A new report shows that out of every 54,000 Google employee, only 2% are black. Today, the frustrated CEO said, "Well, how do you expect Google to search for black job applicants?"

Facebook has unveiled a new option to let users keep their private information secure. The option is called "Sign off of Facebook."

Due to the drought, California is set to impose new water cutbacks this month. For example, men at strip clubs are now only allowed to "Make it drizzle."

Some people think it’s weird that I maintain full, uninterrupted eye contact while my dog humps my leg.

New research suggests that chimpanzees have the ability to cook, and even plan meals. Then someone explained that’s not a chimp, that’s Guy Fieri.

The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska has approved marijuana dispensaries. So don’t expect your presents from Santa until next April.

On Monday’s episode of "The Bachelorette," ABC bleeped the word "clitoris." Now is it me, or are "The Bachelorette" contestants' names getting weirder and weirder?

Scientists have established that an iconic California redwood is only 777 years old. It’s kind of a funny coincidence, since "Iconic California Redwood" used to be my porn name.

Rick Perry is running for president. He’s hoping with so many candidates people will forget that he’s THAT Rick Perry.

I saw the "Entourage" movie and the guy sitting behind me complained that I wouldn’t put on my fedora.

A House panel has voted to repeal two pieces of ObamaCare. Specifically the words "Obama" and "Care."

I’m going to go see the movie "Aloha." I’m dying to know if it ends with a hello or a good-bye.

Hey can someone send me an Oculus Rift VR headset? I finally want to try parasailing.

This weekend in Los Angeles, people got to meet famous cats from the internet at the first ever CatCon. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it because I’m allergic to sad people.

Due to the drought, California governor Jerry Brown has cut back on bathing. And as a result, Californians have cut back on hanging out with Jerry Brown.

Yesterday, presidential candidate Lindsey Graham said Caitlyn Jenner is "welcome" in the Republican Party. Graham said, "We love everyone who supports drastic cuts."

Presidential candidate Lindsey Graham said Caitlyn Jenner is "welcome" in the Republican Party. Caitlyn Jenner said, "Thanks, and by the way, the name 'Lindsey' was my second choice."

Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton supported raising the federal minimum wage to $15 per hour. She said, "Every American should be able to afford to attend one of my speeches."

Senator Ted Cruz said, if elected President, he would host a Cuban pig roast on the White House lawn. Of course that would be impossible, because if Cruz were elected President, all the pigs would be flying.

A Federal court has ruled that the US Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect as many as seven Americans.

Kim Kardashian rented out the Staples Center for Kanye West’s birthday and Kanye got to play a basketball game with friends, including Justin Bieber and 2 Chainz. They beat the Lakers in overtime.

Yesterday in Iowa, just four supporters showed up to eat lunch with Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. It’s always a bad sign when your entire voter base can fit in a deli booth.

If he’s elected president, the unmarried Senator Lindsay Graham said, "We’ll have a rotating first lady." When asked for comment, Bill Clinton said, "been there, done that."

Across the country, some Evangelical groups are starting to take a second look at the Bible’s stance on gay people. They’re noting that, if you count Joseph and God, Jesus had two daddies.

Apple has a new smartphone app that lets people track their sexual activity. And if the person hasn’t had any sex in a while, it automatically sets itself to "vibrate."

An Arizona couple has gotten married in a Home Depot in the garden section. The wedding was almost called off when the bride caught the groom checking out some hoes.

In California, a 99-year-old grandmother has fulfilled her dream of graduating college. The tough part is, now she has to go on job interviews where they ask her, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

The FDA has come one step closer to approving a "Viagra for women," but it will likely come with a warning that it should not be taken with alcohol. Of course, up until now, alcohol HAS been the "Viagra for women."

Next month, Colorado is opening its first-ever cannabis-themed resort. Activities include...no activities, actually.

Some cities that have streets named after Bruce Jenner are trying to change the streets' names to Caitlyn Jenner. And if you live on Bruce Jenner Cul de Sac, it will now be called a Cul de No Sac.

Jeb Bush is taking his presidential campaign on a tour of Europe. He’s telling Europeans, "I like you guys because you’re comfortable having the same family in charge for centuries."

Hillary Clinton is apparently asking people to donate to her campaign, even if all they can afford is one dollar. Then Bill Clinton said, "Trust me, I will find a use for a giant stack of singles."

If he’s elected president, the unmarried Senator Lindsay Graham said he’ll "have a rotating first lady." Unfortunately, no one knows how to break it to Graham that "The Rotating First Lady" is the first position in the Kama Sutra.

A Nobel Prize winning scientist was asked about female scientists, and he said, "Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticize them, they cry." His funeral is Saturday.

There is a push for American Pharoah to be named Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year." There’s also a much smaller push for American Pharoah to be featured in the next swimsuit issue.

The police are saying one of the escaped convicts in upstate New York is very well-endowed. He’s being described as "armed and...woah, that’s not an arm!"

One of the escaped convicts in New York is said to be very well-endowed. Apparently, 10 to 12 wasn’t just his sentence.

A copy of the upcoming "50 Shades of Grey" sequel has been stolen. Police are describing the suspect as "armed" and "your mom."

Pizza Hut has announced it will be unveiling a pizza whose crust is stuffed with hot dogs. It’s the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes or less.

The Discovery Channel is coming out with a follow-up to its reality show "Naked and Afraid." This one’s called "Sunburned and STD’d."

Taco Bell’s CEO says its employees are studying the lingo of millennials to better connect with them. That explains their new menu item, "The Doritos Los Crushing Student Loan Debt Taco."

Porn star Jenna Jameson has announced that she is converting to Judaism. Jameson said it’s because she respects its traditions, and because she’s experienced enough pork in her life.

Jeb Bush announced he is running for president on Snapchat. By using Snapchat, Bush’s message will disappear after 10 seconds, just like the excitement over his campaign.

Mitt Romney essentially called Hillary Clinton an elitist who doesn't believe what she's saying. In other words, Mitt endorsed Hillary Clinton.

Senator Mark Kirk has apologized for joking that Presidential candidate and bachelor Lindsey Graham was a "bro with no ho." And today, Kirk fired his speechwriter, Ludacris.

The two escaped killers are still on the loose, and New York’s governor said they pretty much could be anywhere, even next door. Then he said, "sleep tight."

The white woman pretending to be African American has resigned from her position in the NAACP. She was last spotted walking out of the NAACP offices with a box full of her Coldplay CDs.

Donald Trump has announced today he is running for president. Which, by the way, traditionally means six more weeks of comedy.

Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who claimed for years she was black, made an appearance on "The Today Show." I don’t know if she’s learned her lesson, because for the first hour she pretended to be Al Roker.

Hillary Clinton revealed her Spotify playlist includes Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson, and Jennifer Lopez. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton revealed his "to do list" includes Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Lopez.

Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of "Celebrity Apprentice" will not air. But not to worry - with Trump running for president, you’ll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job.

The female prison guard who helped the two convicts escape reportedly had sex with both of them. So now they’re wanted for breaking out of prison, and violating the "Bro Code."

A new study reveals the average American is 33 pounds heavier than the average person in France.  After hearing this, Gerard Depardieu said, "I’m doing all I can."

The man who created a popular brand of sex doll is working on a new model that can talk. He’s being accused of "Not understanding the main appeal of a sex doll."

A man in the UK has invented the "dausage" which is half-donut and half-sausage.  He also invented something called "dout" which is half-diabetes, half-gout.

Porn star Jenna Jameson is converting to Judaism. She’s already appeared in her first Jewish-themed porno, "Diddler on the Roof."

A county in Virginia has just voted to fine people $250 every time they use public profanity. So good luck to the fine people living in Shitsville, Virginia.

For the first time in over 140 years, a black bear was spotted in Indiana. When questioned, the bear said, "Actually I just identify as black."

Political analysts are saying that, as a candidate, Donald Trump is "a totally unqualified nuisance." In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination.

In his presidential announcement speech, Donald Trump pledged to become "the greatest jobs president that God ever created." This from the man who coined the catchphrase, "you’re fired."

Donald Trump said he has a personal fortune of nearly nine billion dollars. After hearing this, Hillary Clinton said, "Wow, he must give two speeches a day."

Jeb Bush said he’s opposed to gay marriage. Jeb said, "When two men have the same last name it shouldn’t be because they’re married, it should be because they and their brother are presidents."

Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who claimed she was black, said there is no biological proof that she’s white. However, today that was disproven by scientists who found wine cooler in her bloodstream.

Planned Parenthood has released a smartphone app that lets you order an STD test. Unfortunately, if you test positive on the app, the smartphone refuses to let you touch it anymore.

A man in London proposed to his girlfriend using a newspaper crossword puzzle. As a result, she’ll get back to him sometime next week while she’s on the toilet.

You can wear tennis shoes anywhere, but golf shoes are only good for golf and rough sex.

The FDA ruled that trans fats, the main ingredient in junk food, have to be off the shelves within three years. Great, just as they’re legalizing marijuana, they’re destroying junk food.

At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him. Trump said, "Usually when I pay a person to like me, it’s my wife."

In Las Vegas, at a convention of 1,200 Latino leaders, only one Republican presidential candidate chose to show up. Even worse, his first words were, "Which one of you guys wants to park my car?"

Rachel Dolezal, the former chapter leader of the Spokane NAACP who pretended to be black, is in talks to have her own reality TV show. It will be called "The Amazing Changing Race."

It’s being reported that a King in Cameroon has 100 wives. Think about it - He has to wait for one hundred women to fall asleep before he can go on the computer.

Chevrolet announced its newest car in a press release written only in emojis. The idea came from Chevy’s new CEO, a 16-year-old cheerleader named Amber.

On Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed. All I have to say is, my 9-year-old makes a mean mojito.

A national poll of Republican presidential candidates shows Donald Trump at only 1%. However, keep in mind that after spending millions of dollars on ads, Trump could double that.

On Marc Maron’s WTF podcast the other day, President Obama used the N-word. In a related story, the President’s new rap album with 2 Chainz drops Wednesday.

A new study reveals the number of Americans who are obese outnumbers the number of Americans who are merely overweight. So today, the Surgeon General said, "We’ve got to get Americans back to being just overweight again."

General Mills announced it will remove all artificial colors from their cereals. So, from now on, Trix aren’t for kids, they’re for people who like eating grey balls.

Newly-leaked emails from Sony Pictures show that there was an agreement between executives to keep Spiderman white and straight. However, to please the gay community, "The Fantastic Four" will now be "The Fabulous 4."

Fourteen paintings by Adolf Hitler were sold at an auction in Germany. After the auction, the surprised buyer said, "Wait a second, it’s THAT Adolf Hitler?"

The Heinz corporation has apologized for a ketchup bottle whose label contained a link to a porn site. Then again, ketchup fans are used to seeing something spanked on its bottom just before a big squirt.

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state capitols' Confederate flags. Here’s the surprising part: they’re doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to.

Senator John McCain is now saying he regrets not opposing the Confederate flag when he ran for president. McCain said, "I didn’t oppose the Confederate flag because a lot of my school chums fought for the South during the Civil War."

Amazon announced it’s discontinuing selling products with the Confederate flag. So now Amazon no longer has to use the phrase, "you may also like 'slavery.'"

In a recent interview, Barbara Bush denied that her favorite child is Jeb Bush. When asked who her favorite child is, she said, "I’m not sure, I just know it’s not Jeb."

House Republicans are trying to ease government regulations on e-cigarettes. They say e-cigarettes are protected under the Constitution’s guarantee of "Freedom of Douchebaggery."

DNA tests prove that KFC did not serve a customer fried rat. In fact, KFC’s latest ads say, "Now with no fried rat!"

Chevrolet put out a press release about its newest car written only in emojis. Ford did the same - unfortunately the emojis were a lemon and a tow truck.

Scientists now believe that the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles.

A man in Germany who is getting divorced has sawed his and his wife’s possessions all in half. Those poor, poor children.

After years of not having it, a mining town in Nevada has finally gotten Wi-Fi. So, for the first time ever, there’s porn in them thar hills.

Ryan Gosling has sent a letter to Costco urging them to sell only cage-free eggs. The CEO of Costco was confused and thought the letter came from an actual gosling.

Is there anything more delicious than unsweetened… ah, just kidding.

Marvel has announced a Spider-Man comic book series in which Spider-Man will be a biracial teen who is half Latino and half African American. And you thought the police were after Spider-Man before.

A DNA lab has proven that KFC did not, as claimed, serve a customer a fried rat. You can see the test on this week’s exciting episode of "CSI: KFC."

Scientists think they may have discovered a vaccine for chlamydia. Currently, the only sure-fire way to avoid getting chlamydia is to wear Crocs on a first date.

According to a new poll that just came out, Vladimir Putin’s approval rating in Russia has reached an all-time high. Putin is polling very well among Russians who don’t want to be killed.

Queen Elizabeth may be forced to vacate Buckingham Palace while it undergoes renovations. So in accordance with centuries of British Royal tradition, that can only mean one thing: ROAD TRIP!!!

The craft website Etsy has officially banned the sale of Confederate flag merchandise. That’s bad news for everyone who was hoping to buy a Confederate flag dream journal.

Bobby Jindal’s real first name is Piyush but he got his nickname because he liked Bobby on "The Brady Bunch." That explains his campaign slogan, "Marcia Marcia Marcia."

Bobby Jindal announced he’s running for president, and next week, Chris Christie will announce. That’s right - one guy who’s been to New Delhi, and one guy who’s been to every deli.

With "Game of Thrones" over, now I spend Sunday nights imagining my favorite characters on other shows getting killed.

Bobby Jindal is a 44-year-old Indian American whose real first name is Piyush. After hearing about it, President Obama said, “A young, non-white guy with a crazy name, good luck with that.”

A new poll just came out that reveals 55% of Republicans are against gay marriage. The poll also found that 30% of Republicans support gay marriage, and 15% can’t stop fantasizing about it.

Louisiana Govenor Bobby Jindal announced he’s running for President by releasing a video in which he and his wife tell their kids that he’s running. There was a really cute moment when his youngest son said, "Dad, you have no chance."

At the Chicago Cubs game on Tuesday, people were surprised when a fan caught a foul ball while feeding his baby. People were shocked - not that he was holding a baby - but because someone wearing a Cubs hat caught a ball.

According to a new survey that just came out, Pizza Hut's new "Hot Dog Pizza" is the second worst pizza in America. Which explains their new slogan, "Pizza Hut - Not The Worst Pizza in America."

In Japan, a new model of robot named Pepper that can sing, dance and tell jokes sold out in just one minute. Which can only mean one thing - you can also have sex with it.

The NBA draft is underway. Can't wait to see who wants a 6' 4" white guy with a vertical leap of four inches.

I’m so happy with the SCOTUS ruling, I could kiss a man, then move in with him, start a family and eventually leave him for a younger man.

We may be taking the Confederate Flag thing too far. Just saw a history book say the Civil War began when the Union was fired on by REDACTED.

Worked out with kettlebells this morning and didn’t get arrested. What am I doing wrong?

After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled "Celebrity Apprentice." Think about it, Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place.

Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said, "Marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife."

An advisor to Chris Christie said that Americans are about to see "a lot of who he is." He’s not talking about Christie’s presidential campaign, but Christie’s cameo in the new "Magic Mike" movie.

The country of Greece has closed their nation’s banks today in response to its escalating financial crisis. A spokesperson for Greece said, "We’ll bounce back, we’ve just had a rough 2,000 years."

A lab technician in Germany has made a fully-working, laser-firing replica of the "Iron Man" glove. The story was reported in the "Journal of Great News If It Came From Anywhere But Germany."

A new report just came out and revealed that interns at Apple make nearly $80,000 a year in return for complete confidentiality. This news was leaked by an intern who made $79,000.

At last night’s BET Awards, white singer Sam Smith won the "Best New Artist" award. This came right after BET announced that it now "identifies as white."

Nearly 30 years after the original, Tom Cruise is going to star in the sequel to "Top Gun." Of course now that he’s over 50, Maverick no longer has "the need for speed," he has "the need to pee four times a night."

The attorney general of Texas has said that despite the recent Supreme Court decision, Texas county clerks can refuse to marry gay couples. That explains Texas’s new state motto, "F*** all y’all."

Chris Christie gave a 20 minute speech to announce he’s running for president in his high school’s gymnasium. It was the longest period of time Christie has ever spent in a gym.

Chris Christie launched his presidential campaign in the gymnasium of his old high school. Christie wanted to launch it in the school’s cafeteria, but there’s still a restraining order.

Chris Christie’s campaign slogan is "Telling It Like It Is." This is in contrast to Hillary’s slogan, "Explaining Why This Is Not What It Looks Like."

Hillary Clinton’s campaign is selling a beer chiller that says the word, "Chillary." It’s still not as popular as Mike Huckabee’s line of e-cigarettes, "Suckabees."

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump’s hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan. Who would’ve thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?

When asked about it, Jeb Bush recently described the Confederate flag as "racist." Bush said he has long opposed the flag, going all the way back to at least late last Thursday.

Pope Francis has released his U.S. tour schedule. His first stop… Bonnaroo.

There’s a dating site for well-endowed men called 7orBetter. The site has already attracted over 60,000 women and 70,000 liars.

Hockey phenom Connor McDavid is being called The New Gretzky. Current Gretzky must now be called The Old Gretzky or The New McDavid.

The man who helped create the text message has passed away. His final text was YOLO with a frowny face.

Last night, for the first time in 24 years, Jupiter and Venus appeared almost on top of each other. So, the gay marriage ruling is having more of an impact than we thought.

In a new report on fast food restaurants, McDonald’s ranks lowest in customer satisfaction. When reached for comment, a spokesman for McDonald’s went to get his manager and never came back.

50 Girl Scouts camped out on the White House lawn with Michelle Obama and earned their "outdoor badge." Bill Clinton said, "Hey, I slept on the White House lawn plenty of times and I never got a badge."

A newly-released email reveals that Hillary Clinton asked a co-worker, "I heard on the radio there’s a cabinet meeting, can I go?" In another email, Hillary said she found out about the debt ceiling from Smooth Jazz 94.7.

A leading Native American activist is being accused of not being Native American at all. Authorities grew suspicious after the woman said her tribal name is "Listens to Josh Groban."

Macy's has now severed ties with Donald Trump and will no longer carry his menswear collection. So from now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hairpieces.

The Prime Minister of Greece has assured citizens that their wages and pensions are completely safe. Then, he stuffed The Parthenon in a duffle bag and fled the country.

Sure, those "Magic Mike" guys look impressive, but remember the camera adds four abs.

In Oregon, there are now more marijuana dispensaries than there are McDonald's. However, those McDonald's are doing amazing business.

Macy’s has now severed ties with Donald Trump and will no longer carry his menswear collection. It gets worse - Petco will no longer carry his shampoo.

55% of millennials said they would consider leaving the United States and moving somewhere else. Most of the millennials said they’d like to live in either Middle Earth or Winterfell.

In the new "Terminator Genisys," Arnold Schwarzenegger’s cyborg character goes back in time to fight a younger version of himself. They tried to talk it out, but neither could understand what the other was saying.

Physically-speaking, I'm like a young Arnold Schwarzenegger. I mean really young, like five or six.

I'm writing an Irish-Catholic version of "Inside Out," where the only two characters are Guilt and Jameson's.

I like to tell my wife, "Let’s make our own fireworks," then hand her a bunch of toilet paper rolls and gunpowder.

The country of Greece is considering dropping the euro and going with the gyro.

I yelled out another woman's name during sex but cleverly covered by saying that's my safe word.

One of the new TV shows that debuted at Comic-Con was "Supergirl." Supergirl does the same thing as Superman but she gets paid 30% less.

Mexico’s number one drug lord has escaped from prison and he may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong, they are sending us their best.

Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It’s historic; it’s the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord.

One economist is proposing the way to save Greece is to take Greece’s $56 billion in assets and move them to an offshore bank account. His second proposal is to bring the Parthenon to the next "Antiques Roadshow."

Thousands of protesters gathered in Florida to defend the Confederate flag. Well technically, it wasn’t a protest, it was a Kid Rock concert.

It was reported that "The New York Times" has intentionally left Ted Cruz’s book off their bestseller list. To get back on the bestseller list, Cruz's next book is about a young boy attending a school for wizards.

Spain is holding its annual Running of the Bulls. The winner, as is the case every year, is Charles Darwin.

Pope Francis has been visiting South America - recently he stopped at a local Burger King. The Pope said, "It’s fun seeing their faces when the Popemobile pulls into the drive-thru."

50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy. When asked how he lost so much money, 50 said, "I guess I should have been more 'thriddy.'"

My favorite new song is either that one from the Samsung commercial, or the one from the Budweiser commercial.

The Obama Administration announced a deal with Iran that will prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange we’re giving the Iranians Netflix.

The Trump International Golf Club in Puerto Rico has filed for bankruptcy. This may be because of Trump’s rule, "No Puerto Ricans on my Puerto Rican golf course."

Donald Trump’s official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious.

Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord, El Chapo. Mexico said they'll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo.

Just days after drug lord El Chapo’s escape, there are already dozens of ballads about him on YouTube. Surprisingly, the best one so far is by Josh Groban.

Iran is celebrating the nuclear deal with the US. Iranians are going crazy, they’re drinking non-alcoholic champagne and thinking about dancing.

Pluto is larger than previously thought, and on its surface there is a shape that looks like a heart. So now, scientists are deciding whether to classify Pluto as a planet or an emoji.

A woman in England crashed her car because she was using a vibrator while driving. The woman is now said to be in "stable, and extremely relaxed" condition. The driver of the van said he never saw her coming.

"Wind Beneath My Wings" is a great song, but what about the wind ABOVE her wings? It’s technically just as important for lift.

The owners of Tinder are purchasing another dating website for more than half a billion dollars. Actually, Tinder didn’t mean to buy the website, they just accidentally swiped right.

Scientists in Antarctica have discovered a 50-million-year-old sperm cell. It was found inside a 50-millon-year-old gym sock.

Photos surfaced recently of El Chapo drinking a beer and flying a plane. Sounds like we’ve got a new "most interesting man in the world."

There’s now footage of the drug kingpin El Chapo changing his shoes right before his escape. Apparently, authorities didn’t notice El Chapo was lacing up a pair of Nike "Tunnel Runners."

In an interview, Donald Trump said that he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz. Then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office.

If you're learning Spanish, be careful not to confuse abogado and avocado. I accidentally ate the wrong one.

In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said, "Hey, she stole my speech."

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally, something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.

A company is trying to fund a new endeavor known as "Uber for kids." So parents will soon be teaching their kids that they shouldn’t talk to strangers, but they should get into a car with them.

iPhone users are reporting that Siri will correct them if they try to say "Bruce Jenner" instead of "Caitlyn." In a related story, Siri is now asking to be addressed as "Steve."

I was shocked that Trump was leading in the polls until I saw footage from a monster truck rally.

I now regret naming my son "Atticus" and my daughter "Bill Cosby."

Can someone give me the contact info for El Chapo’s contractor? Thx.

Presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee is polling at 0%. I guess the country isn’t ready for a President named "Lincoln."

Pluto’s letting the publicity get to his head - he just signed on for the next "Entourage" movie.

Good to be back on the east coast. I missed mosquitoes the size of hawks.

Root beer with eggs was a big mistake.

People talking about their standing desks are the new people talking about their rescue pets.

I don’t think I spend too much time on my smartphone at home, and neither do my kids, Candy and Crush.

Your lap doesn’t really disappear when you stand up, it just goes into storage.

I’m on vacation. Please keep Trump popular while I’m gone, I need him in the debates.

If Pizza Hut really served their pizza in a hut, you couldn’t get me out of there.

Hotel front desk workers - when a male calls to complain about the Wi-Fi minutes after checking in, yes he’s doing what you think he’s doing.

I’m on the Proterozoic Diet - I only eat pre-chordates and metazoans.

I tried to take a picture with my phone, and people looked at me like I was an idiot. Maybe because it was 1973.

A new app can tell marijuana users how high they are. It’s called the Domino's Pizza app.

In Hong Kong, a woman was sent to prison for assaulting a police officer with her breast. The police officer is demanding an apology and that she do it again.

The fast food chain In-N-Out is being sued for allegedly putting meth in someone’s milkshake. On the bright side, employee productivity is up 800%.

The International Olympic Committee has officially recognized Ultimate Frisbee as an Olympic sport. The news was greeted with excitement by thousands of guys named "Chad."

There is a rumor out there that the CEO of Starbucks might run for president. In fact, he opened up his first campaign headquarters and another one right across the street.

Donald Trump said that there will not be another black president for a while because President Obama is not doing a good job. Of course, by that standard there won’t be another white president for at least 100 years.

Donald Trump has fired a campaign advisor for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn’t that shocking - Donald Trump has a campaign advisor?

A doctor is being accused of illegal lion hunting in Zimbabwe. Here’s my question: whatever happened to golf?

I’m starting to rethink my polar bear hunting trip with my proctologist.

While performing a concert in Sweden, Lenny Kravitz split his pants while dancing and exposed his penis. Even more shocking, the penis then did a 20 minute drum solo.

Former One Direction singer Zayn Malik has broken up with his fiancée. And if there are any 15-year-old girls watching right now... it’s 'cause he wants to marry you.

A sex expert says sex with robots will be the norm in 50 years. If you can’t wait that long, I know a really slutty Roomba.

A new survey came out that finds that Brigham Young University is the most sober college in America. BYU students celebrated the news by throwing one crazy "Chamomile Kegger."

UFC Champion Ronda Rousey will be the next model for Carl’s Jr. Carl’s Jr. chose Rousey because she also knows what it’s like to damage someone’s organs in less than 30 seconds.

Ben from "Ben and Jerry’s" has endorsed Bernie Sanders for President. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "After all we’ve been through together?"

When you call Donald Trump’s cellphone number, it plays a campaign message. If you want to hear Trump's message in English, press 1, and if you want to hear it in Spanish… you probably don’t follow the news.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are teaming up to defund Planned Parenthood. Experts believe it could backfire, since people like Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are the reason there is a Planned Parenthood.

Thursday night is the first Republican presidential candidates' debate. Just like "Celebrity Apprentice," you’ll see Donald Trump on TV yelling at people you barely recognize.

Tonight is the big debate and people have already come up with drinking games for it. The most popular game is the one where you skip the debate and go out drinking.

India announced it’s going to lift its ban on internet pornography. Apparently, their porn is a lot like our porn but with much better dance numbers.

According to Forbes magazine, the #3 highest paid actor in the world is Vin Diesel. In a related story, Daniel Day Lewis just jumped off a bridge.

One of the newest trends is eating breakfast any time of day, and they’re calling it "Breakfastarianism." It’s much nicer than the old name for that, "Alcoholism."

A new study came out and it finds that Michelle Obama’s "Let’s Move" program may have caused people to actually gain weight. Apparently many mistook the slogan to mean, "Let’s move next door to a Cinnabon."

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under, he should turn it into a Trump property.

Among the debaters tomorrow night is Ben Carson, who is a neurosurgeon. Dr. Carson says he’s not there to debate, he’s there to diagnose exactly what’s wrong with Donald Trump.

I think a supercut of Tom Cruise running at top speed could be the cure for male infertility.

An expert says sex with robots will be the norm in 50 years. So ladies and gentlemen once again, Conan O’Brien is ahead of his time.

A woman who just celebrated her 110th birthday credits her longevity to drinking lots of beer and Johnnie Walker. Well technically, her liver is 110, the woman herself is 43.

According to Forbes magazine, the #3 highest paid actor in the world is Vin Diesel. That works out to $10 million per "I am Groot."

This week is World Breastfeeding Week. Or as babies call it, "Suckapalooza."

One of the newest trends right now is eating breakfast any time of day, and they’re calling it "Breakfastarianism." By the way, "Breakfastarianism" is part of another new trend known as, "Legalized Marijuana."

The top choice to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill is Eleanor Roosevelt. So, better luck next time, Iggy Azalea.

Prior to the debate, Donald Trump said he wanted to be "very civil." He said that instead of referring to all Hispanics as "criminals" he’ll call them "Criminal-Americans."

The big Republican debate is happening tonight. Political analysts say that Donald Trump’s game plan is to "wing it" and see what happens. It’s the same game plan used by his barber.

I’m so curious as to who will be the 45th President and the 46th Republican Presidential Candidate.

Medical marijuana is finally legal in Nevada. Just in case people needed one more way to help them make a bad decision in Nevada.

Nobody spoil the presidential race for me - I’m planning to just binge-watch it in 2017.

People are mad at Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, "Trust me, I know what goes on down there - because I’m a huge douche."

Donald Trump said that he’s always had a great relationship with "the women." Not helping matters is that he said it to someone that he called "The Mexican."

Donald Trump insisted that he’s always had a great relationship with women. Trump said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that’s Miss USA or Miss Universe."

North Korea is creating its own time zone - it’s going to push the country’s time back a half hour. It’s not bad enough that they don’t have food, they’re ruled by an insane dictator, now they have to wait until 8 o’clock to watch "Wheel of Fortune."

For the first time, American astronauts on the International Space Station ate vegetables grown in space. In other words, even space is getting more rain than California.

There's a new high-tech device that helps you avoid getting a sunburn. It’s called a house.

Artifacts found in William Shakespeare’s home suggest that he may have been a marijuana user. Apparently, they found a first draft of one of his plays called "Romeo and Kumar."

Astronomers are trying to understand Jupiter’s big red spot. And why it, typically, just had to show up the night before Jupiter’s prom.

Liberal Democrat Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot.

A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is now only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today, a very confident Hillary Clinton said, "Oh please, like I'm gonna lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of."

After failing to raise money, Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry has stopped paying his campaign staff. At least, that's according to Rick Perry's new press secretary, Rick Perry.

A mansion previously owned by Donald Trump is on sale in Connecticut for $54 million dollars. The house comes with 16 bedrooms, a tennis court, and here’s the best part, no Trump.

Google announced in a press conference that they're going to restructure the company under a new name "Alphabet." The company already announced this a month ago on Google Plus but no one noticed.

Scientists in Massachusetts have been able to grow a monkey arm in their lab. Moments after being created, the monkey arm immediately threw poop at them.

The New York Jets have released a linebacker for breaking their quarterback’s jaw in a fight in the locker room. In other words, the Jets finally get a player who can hit and they release him.

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." Or as we called that growing up in my house, "Standing next to Uncle Patrick."

According to experts, California is suffering a record shortage of teachers. Which explains California’s new recruiting policy: "OK, You Can Sleep With One Student."

Marshmallow maker Peeps will have fall flavors including candy corn and pumpkin spice. To save time, I’m gonna throw up now.

Astronomers report that the universe is dying and we only have a few billion years left to live. With that in mind, let’s waste an hour of that together.

After being asked for weeks, Donald Trump still has not said specifically what he would do as president. Trump apologized, saying, "When I announced I was running for president, I had no idea people would take me seriously."

Hillary Clinton has finally agreed to turn over her entire e-mail server to the Justice Department. Clinton said she was reluctant to do so because of state secrets, and because 30% of her e-mails are nothing but the "smiling poop" emoji.

As of this morning, Bernie Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire, he’s seven points ahead. So screw those emails from when she was Secretary of State, I want to see the emails Hillary sent out this morning.

It’s just come out that before Pope Francis became a priest, he broke up with a serious girlfriend to instead join the church. Man, Taylor Swift just CANNOT catch a break!

Jeb Bush says we may need to send more troops into Iraq to stop ISIS. He said this in a speech entitled, "What’s the Worst Thing That Can Happen When a President Named Bush Sends Troops To Iraq?"

Maria Sharapova and Serena Williams are the highest paid female athletes in the world. After hearing this, Ronda Rousey beat them up and took their money.

The wildfires in California are getting pretty serious, they’re now starting to burn marijuana farms. The fire is being put out by 200 firefighters and 8,000 "volunteers."

Despite all of his sexist comments, a new poll reveals that 20% of Republican women still support Donald Trump. When asked why, the women said, "Because he’s paying us alimony."

Hillary Clinton’s attorney has handed over 30,000 emails sent by her staff at the State Department. Surprisingly, 29,000 of the staff emails are just about who took Jen’s yogurt from the break room fridge.

The Tinder app is now available in North Korea. It’s a little different over there: all the photos are of Kim Jong-Un.

Yesterday was National Middle Child Day. It’s a holiday that doesn’t matter much, just like a middle child.

Airbnb is having a contest in which the winner gets to spend a night at a Major League Baseball park. Of course, if you want to spend eight hours sleeping in a baseball park, you can just attend a game.

Some people are advocating for the right for a human to marry a robot. However, Mitt Romney's wife said, "It's not all it's cracked up to be."

A new study came out and claims that first grade students are getting nearly three times more homework than they should be getting. This is according to the study's lead researcher, Timmy.

New research shows that William Shakespeare may have been a marijuana user. I’m sorry, I find that absurd - Shakespeare wrote 37 plays, he was obviously a cocaine user.

Before Jeb Bush tries to reboot the Iraq War, he should talk to the folks who made "Fantastic Four."

In the office football pool, I didn’t have the Jets QB being punched out by a teammate until week two.

Donald Trump recently said that supermodel Heidi Klum is "no longer a 10." So now, Bill Clinton wants to debate Trump.

Donald Trump showed up at the Iowa State Fair in a helicopter. Of course, nobody could hear the helicopter over Donald Trump.

In a recent interview, Chris Christie said that he will top Donald Trump’s Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding.

This weekend, many of the Republican candidates said they use a Fitbit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to measure how much distance he can put between himself and his last name.

Apple announced that in the last year the company has doubled its number of female, black, and Hispanic employees. A spokesman for Apple said, "Do you know how hard it is to find female, black and Hispanic children in China?"

Starbucks announced that their Pumpkin Spice Latte will now be made with a little bit of pumpkin. Also their Frappuccino will now be made with a little bit of Al Pacino.

A man has been arrested for posing as a psychologist and treating at least 100 people. However, after posting bail, Dr. Phil was released.

A man from Nepal set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero.

Kanye and Kim might name their next child "Easton West." I hope his first words are "Get it?"

Law enforcement authorities say there's a growing trend of street gangs facing off against their rivals online. In fact, earlier today things got so tense that the Crips "unfriended" the Bloods.

It’s come out that Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. But don’t worry, the last time a German guy with crazy hair who didn’t like foreigners took over a country everything turned out fine. I wouldn’t worry about it.

It was pointed out that Donald Trump’s immigration policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan, "Vote Trump, to prevent another Trump."

In Iowa yesterday, while playing football with a kid, Marco Rubio hit him in the face and knocked him down. As a result, today Marco Rubio was immediately signed by the New York Jets.

While campaigning in Iowa, Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up.

For the first time ever, women in Saudi Arabia will be able to register to vote. Saudi women will get to vote on whether to live in the 9th or 10th century.

A company is developing an elevator that can take you into space. Of course, don’t you hate when you’re going to Jupiter and someone gets on the elevator and presses Mars?

The FDA is expected to approve the so-called "female Viagra." Its scientific name is "Flibanserin," or as it’s better known to you, "tequila."

The new female Viagra takes two weeks to start working. So ladies, if you don't mind, we’re going to start without you.

Has TV advertising gone too far? I’ll be discussing it on tonight’s CONAN with my guests, the Geico lizard and Zappos.com.

This Ashley Madison story is nuts. Call me sentimental, but I miss the more innocent times when cheaters were outed by good old fashioned genital warts.

Hackers have leaked the actual names of people on the cheater’s website AshleyMadison.com. And the good news, ladies, as of today they’re single.

Hackers have exposed the identity of 40 million people on Ashley Madison. Even more shocking - two of them are women.

Today is Bill Clinton’s birthday. Hillary sent Bill an e-birthday card then out of habit, she immediately deleted it.

Hillary Clinton released an ad that emphasizes her humble economic background. In the ad she says, "Just 15 years ago, my family and I were evicted from our house."

During an appearance on Fox News, Donald Trump said "our country is going to hell." He said, "But not fast enough - that’s why I’m running for president."

In New York City, the US Postal Service is trying to expand into grocery deliveries. It’s perfect for people who want their groceries delivered to their next door neighbor's house.

The infamous house used in "Silence of the Lambs" is up for sale. If you’re interested, the owner asks you to put your offer and the lotion in the basket.

At Ohio State University it was just announced, a tiny human brain has been grown in a lab. And guess what - It’s already announced its support for Trump for President.

It’s come out that implementing Donald Trump’s immigration policy would cost taxpayers $166 billion. Well today Trump said, "So what? You spend the money, you declare bankruptcy, and then you start a new country. Boom."

A study found that many types of head lice have mutated and now become resistant to over-the-counter treatments. The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

BuzzFeed just announced it’s going to start making movies. So make sure to check out next summer’s blockbuster: "The Avengers Vs. 14 Cats That Look Like Hitler."

Gangs are now facing off online. You can hear more about it in Dr. Dre’s new album, "Straight Outta Etsy."

Before we completely write him off as a joke, why don’t we at least find out more about the foreign policy experience of Deez Nuts?

Starbucks is starting to serve beer and wine. It’s part of their mission, "Always finding new ways to make you pee."

Did you know that El Chapo has his own show on MSNBC?

The stock market plunged 600 points and One Direction announced they are breaking up. It was good timing for me, because when people asked why I was sobbing uncontrollably, I was able to blame it on the stock market.

One Direction announced that they are breaking up. Teenage girls threw tantrums, they slammed doors, and then they heard about the breakup.

China’s stock market went down 8%, France and Germany’s both went down 5%. When asked for comment, Greece said, "boo hoo."

In some states, the joke presidential candidate Deez Nuts is polling at 9%. Meanwhile, the joke presidential candidate Donald Trump is polling at 25%.

Jeb Bush supporters accidentally sent out a flyer where it looks like Jeb’s head is Photoshopped onto a black man’s body. After hearing about it, Jeb’s wife said, "If only."

It was reported today that a 108-year-old message in a bottle washed up on a beach in Europe. Actually it wasn’t a message, it was Larry King’s to-do list.

Yesterday, a women’s rights organization held "topless parades" in cities around the country. Unfortunately, I don’t know what they were protesting because I never got a look at the signs.

Don’t hate the playa, hate the game - specifically, Boggle.

Niall Horan of One Direction said the band is not splitting up, they are only taking a break. At least, that’s what he told me after I camped out in front of his house last night.

China’s stock market crashed, causing many of its richest citizens to lose millions. In a related story, Jackie Chan just signed on for "Rush Hours 5 through 10."

It’s come out that Donald Trump’s grandfather owned a brothel. When reached for comment, Trump said, "Screwing people for money is a long family tradition."

True story though, it’s come out that Donald Trump’s grandfather opened a restaurant with a bar and a brothel. The name of the place was "Trump’s Pump & Hump."

South Korea has agreed to stop broadcasting insulting propaganda over the North Korean border. They’ve also canceled their Comedy Central Roast of Kim Jong-Un.

It’s rumored that the new iPhones are going to use facial recognition technology to unlock your phone. Of course, if you live in Los Angeles, the iPhone will store up to six of your previous faces.

In Florida, a man proposed to his girlfriend in the produce aisle of a Whole Foods. He got down on one knee and told her, "This ring cost as much as those organic grapes."

In Denmark, a man has been arrested for drawing penises on furniture at an IKEA warehouse. He targeted Ikea’s popular line of futons known as the Löngen-döngen.

According to new Consumer Reports, almost all ground beef in the US has fecal contamination. In response, McDonald’s changed its slogan from "I’m lovin' it" to "there’s s*** on my teeth."

I'm tired of waking up to find paparazzi going through my garbage cans, dressed as garbage men, with a big loud garbage truck.

Today is Women's Equality Day. Or, as Donald Trump calls it, that time of the year again.

At a press conference yesterday, Donald Trump kicked out a Latino reporter, but the man returned a few minutes later.  So, already Trump’s deportation plan isn’t working.

After his spat with a Hispanic reporter yesterday, Donald Trump is now in a feud with both Univision and Fox News. Today, he’s going to insult meerkats and get into a feud with Animal Planet.

A new study came out and it claims Washington, D.C. has the worst traffic in the country. Government workers in D.C. spend hours in gridlock, getting nothing done and then, they get in their cars.

Right now in the US, the most popular name for baby girls is Emma. And the least popular names are Ashley and Madison.

It’s come out that at least 100 ESPN employees were on the adultery website Ashley Madison. In other words, infidelity has finally entered the world of sports.

Authorities have shut down rentboy.com, the world’s largest male escort service. I’m kind of sad about it, because that’s where I found Andy.

A company is developing a version of Tinder for Catholics. It’s the first dating app where if you like someone, you swipe up, down, left and right.

It’s been reported that one of the world’s most popular nude beaches is in Ireland. So next time you’re there, make sure you visit "Melanoma Cove."

Burger King wants to team up with McDonald’s to create a "McWhopper." Analysts say this could be the biggest thing in fast food since Arby’s teamed up with White Castle to create diarrhea.

I don’t believe in air-conditioning and neither do the people who pretend to love to work for me.

Those Ashley Madison users who are suing the company for breach of contract have really taken the moral flat ground.

I hope "Guardians of the Galaxy 2" is a prequel, so Vin Diesel can spend two hours saying, "I will be Groot."

Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack, endorsed Hillary Clinton. Hillary called to say "thanks" as soon as she was done googling, "Tom Vilsack."

Spending a quiet evening at home, just me and my Nicki Minaj wax figure.

Stephen Hawking says he’s solved a big black hole mystery. That’s great, Steve - get back to me when you’ve figured out who stole my yogurt.

The word "awesomesauce" is now in the dictionary. Call me old fashioned but I’m going to stick with "sperm."

Dave Grohl has done more with a broken leg than most Americans do in their lifetime.

If they replace Alexander Hamilton with a woman, I’ll never put a ten in my front pocket without muttering “please close your eyes.”

The most popular boy and girl names are "Noah" and "Emma." The least popular: "Conan" and "Syphillina."

Future archaeologists will wonder if our sports teams were named after animals or our animals were named after sports teams.

The hand model in commercials who squeezes lemon juice on breaded shrimp? That’s a sweet gig.

Made my wife shout "Yes!" in bed last night. (Asked her who her favorite 70's rock band was.)

In my entire life, I’ve never heard a single person say, "OK, who ate all the Goddamn Saltines?"

"Oh bother! I’m all out of hunny," said Winnie the Pooh. "But bears are omnivores," he added, leveling his gaze at Piglet.

The lines are long for Six Flags' new ride, "The Market Lately."

You can put the word "blood" in front of "oranges" and people will still eat them. Don’t even try it, bananas.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named the new host of "Celebrity Apprentice." Wait 'til the apprentices find out exactly what you have to do when you work for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Mark Cuban, who is the star of "Shark Tank," is now thinking about running for president. Still no word from the Cake Boss.

This weekend was the annual National Federation of Republican Women convention. Or as Donald Trump called it, "A total dog show."

Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox News, just bought National Geographic Magazine. This explains the headline on this month’s cover. "How Do We Stop Those Canada Geese From Crossing Our Borders and Taking All Our Jobs?"

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the beginning of the Jewish year 5,776. In other words, it’s been 5,763 years since Larry King's Bar Mitzvah.

A new health initiative has been launched to try and get more rabbis in shape. It's the first exercise program that replaces "Feel the Burn" with "Oy, The Burning!"

The IRS announced it no longer accepts checks for 100 million dollars. So now the only place that will still take a check for 100 million dollars is Whole Foods.

In New York, a 16-year-old chef has opened his first restaurant. The restaurant will be closed Christmas, New Year’s, and the day of the SATs.

Last night, two planes bumped into each other at LAX. Luckily, nobody was hurt and both pilots' texts went through.

A new study claims that people who have smoked marijuana over 100 times are more likely to suffer health risks. In a related story, Snoop Dogg died in 1978.

When’s the last time you used an automatic pencil sharpener? Give it a shot, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Mark Zuckerberg announced that a "dislike" button is finally coming to Facebook. So finally, a way to tell your friends how you really feel about their baby.

Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called "Donaldcare." Trump claims it would save billions of dollars by denying coverage to "preexisting Hispanics."

In Texas yesterday, Donald Trump told an adoring crowd, "We are killing it! We are really killing it." Of course, he was talking about the Republican Party.

Donald Trump is leading among Christian Evangelical voters. Apparently, Evangelicals like him because a Trump presidency would mean the world really is coming to an end.

According to political analysts, Hillary Clinton is now trying to make herself seem more relatable to the average person. So today, she spent the day criticizing Hillary Clinton.

The government has unveiled a new website that predicts your financial worth after graduating college. It doesn’t give a number, it just tells you which Starbucks you’ll be working at and for how long.

7-Eleven is going to start delivering a "Date Night Package" that includes ice cream, Red Bull and condoms. 7-Eleven says it’s the perfect way to tell that special lady in your life, "You could do a lot better."

Scientists are planning to revive a dormant 30,000-year-old virus. When asked why, scientists said, "We’re d***s."

"Please write more 'Said No One, Ever' Jokes" - said no one, ever.

I really hope "Straight Outta Compton" kept the scene where you can see me playing backup accordion at the first NWA concert.

In Texas, a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school, but it turned out just to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future.

Earlier tonight, the second Republican debate took place here in California. Of course with 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching "The Bachelorette."

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was President. Which is really weird, because I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air.

Donald Trump has said he’d replace Obamacare with something called "Donaldcare." The way "Donaldcare" works is, you tell Donald Trump exactly what your symptoms are and he deports you.

In China, people are selling their kidneys to buy an iPhone 6S. Don’t worry, those people will have one kidney left six months from now when the iPhone 7 comes out.

Olive Garden is bringing back its "Pasta Pass," which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.

It’s been reported that Japan’s largest crime family has split into two rival groups. The two crime families are the Hellos and the Kittys.

Mattel is developing a Barbie with artificial intelligence that can remember 8,000 lines of dialogue and retain information she learns in conversations. Meanwhile, Ken still just wants a penis.

The makers of Budweiser and Miller are considering a merger that would make them the world’s largest brewer. At first they weren’t planning to merge, but after a few beers, each started looking really good.

I know exactly how Tom Cruise feels in "Mission: Impossible" whenever I’m searching for my ringing phone in a pair of cargo pants.

Last night’s debate at the Reagan Library was the most watched program in CNN history. CNN said they are thrilled with the ratings, but even happier that they could finally show a plane that wasn’t missing.

During last night’s debate, Jeb Bush wanted Donald Trump to apologize to his wife but Trump refused. Trump said, "If I apologized to wives, I wouldn’t be on my third one."

Last night during the debate, Jeb Bush admitted he smoked pot in high school. Then Jeb assured people that now that he lives in Florida he only does meth.

Debate analysts say Carly Fiorina won the debate because she "crashed the boys club." Or, as Fiorina put it, "I served slaw at the sausage fest."

The Muslim teenager in Texas who was arrested for bringing a homemade clock to school was invited to visit Facebook headquarters in California. The boy said he’s eager to make the trip for the brief thrill of NOT being a Muslim in Texas.

There’s a brand new 3D printer that can print pizza, cookies, and cake. Inventors are calling this amazing new device an "oven."

Britain’s longest-serving dominatrix is retiring at the age of 66. Apparently men no longer want to hire a dominatrix who forgets their safe word.

In times of crisis or danger I will always be right behind you, sofa.

Nicki Minaj spelled backwards sounds like the name of a cool, Swedish actor: Janim Ikcin. Was that worth it? I think so.

I’m a little worried all the hype for "Black Mass" will affect the box office for my biopic "White Ass."

Clear something up for me - was the first Democratic debate already held over email?

When the Pope’s plane lands in the United States, President Obama is going to be there to greet him. President Obama will be the guy at arrivals holding a sign that says "Pope."

President Obama is going to host the Pope at the White House. Or as Donald Trump put it, "Obama’s letting yet another Hispanic guy in."

The Pope is coming to the United States and he’s visiting New York, Washington DC, and Philadelphia, but not Los Angeles. The Pope said, "Let’s be honest, I probably won’t make it out of Philly."

Last night "Game of Thrones" took home four Emmys. That works out to one Emmy for every character that’s still alive on the show.

An expert is saying that Donald Trump’s handwriting reveals he is prone to anger and fear. After hearing about it, Trump was furious and then, he got scared.

Scott Walker, the Republican Presidential candidate who’s famous for riding a Harley, is dropping out of the race. Walker made the decision when he realized all of his supporters could fit on his Harley.

Republican presidential candidate and neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson is under fire for saying a Muslim should not be elected President. Later, Carson apologized for the mistake - he said, "Hey, I’m no brain surgeon."

Colorado is expected to bring in $125 million this year from tax on legalized marijuana. State officials are going to use the pot windfall to buy the world’s biggest futon.

I chopped some garlic when I was 28 and my hands still smell.

The Pope arrived in the US today. The Pope flew into Washington this afternoon on Lifelong Virgin Air.

Pope Francis’ plane touched down in Washington today at 4pm. Of course, as a Catholic I knew the moment he was here because I felt a "Disturbance in the Guilt."

Despite the fact that Pope Francis arrived in Washington today, he’s not going to visit the White House until tomorrow. When asked about his plans for today, his Holiness said, "Oh you know, just Popin' around."

In honor of the Pope’s visit, Twitter gave the Pope his own series of emojis. Not only that, Tinder gave him his own profile.

Volkswagen has been caught installing secret devices that help them cheat on emissions tests. The CEO of Volkswagen said, "I miss the less controversial times here at VW when all we did was make cars for Hitler."

A company in Japan has released a robot that’s able to simulate some emotion. Either that, or Hillary Clinton just made a surprise visit to Japan.

In San Diego, a 100-year-old man set five world records at a track meet. He set records in the 50 meter dash, the 800 meter run, and the 1500 meter wander off.

Denver is reportedly considering letting people smoke marijuana in restaurants. So good luck remembering those specials the waiters told you about.

The new LEGO Star Wars sets give too much away! Now I know all the characters have round yellow heads.

On Saturday, the Pope will attend an event that’s hosted by Mark Wahlberg. Wahlberg said "I’m wicked pumped to meet the f***in’ Pope."

Today is the Jewish high holiday of Yom Kippur. That’s right - Jews all over the country honored the day by staying home and watching the Pope on television.

For the first time on U.S. soil, the Pope said a Mass today, canonizing an American saint. So congratulations to Saint Oprah.

At the White House today, a band played the Vatican’s national anthem. And, I didn’t know this - apparently, it’s Katy Perry’s "Roar."

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck with the new Woodmax Superchucker 5000? 400% more! (paid advertisement)

During the Pope’s speech to Congress, House Speaker John Boehner was openly weeping. At one point the Pope turned to Boehner and said, "Stop being a little b****."

Yesterday, at one of the Pope’s appearances, a 5-year-old Mexican-American girl broke through security. Luckily, she was tackled by 16 Republican presidential candidates.

Tomorrow, President Obama is welcoming the President of China to a White House State Dinner. Hope the President of China likes leftover Pope food!

While visiting a local school in Washington, students gave the President of China a football. Then the President of China took a look at the football and said, "Hey - I know the kid who made this!"

Donald Trump said that he doesn’t believe in climate change. Trump said, "If there’s a hole in the ozone layer, just comb some ozone from another part over it."

The ventriloquist who won "America's Got Talent" is now being accused of stealing his act. However, the ventriloquist has denied it through a tiny lawyer sitting on his lap.

If the Boy Scouts were smart, they’d buy cookies from the Girl Scouts then sell them for more money during the off season.

One day after meeting the Pope, House Speaker John Boehner announced he is retiring. How do we get the Pope to meet Donald Trump?

The Pope has left New York and there are six towels missing from the Four Seasons.

Hey Pope - want to get booed? Go to any sporting event in Philly.

In Philadelphia yesterday, Pope Francis met with a family that had driven 13,000 miles from Argentina just to see him. There was an awkward moment when the Pope said, "I guess no one told you guys I’ll be in Argentina next week."

While he was here, the Pope gave a speech to Congress and he spoke to inmates at a prison. The Pope forgave the criminals for the pain they’ve caused society and also forgave the inmates.

The Pope has gone back home. The Pope said, "I had a great time - I met thousands of people, I visited three amazing cities and I got rid of John Boehner."

On "60 Minutes" last night, Donald Trump called for a tax hike on wealthy Americans. As a result, today Donald Trump said he can no longer support Donald Trump.

Jeb Bush is planning to release an alternative to Obamacare which is being called "Bushcare." Which is why he’s now being sued by the #1 maker of pubic lice spray.

A new study says drinking more beer could lower women's risk of heart attack by 30%. The study was conducted by the "Institute of Things to Tell That Hot Woman at a Party."

A poultry manufacturer has recalled over a half million pounds of chicken believed to contain pieces of metal. But first they tried to sell the pieces to McDonald’s as "Magnetic McNuggets."

New research shows that giraffes hum, but only at night. Even more surprising: They all hum that Chili’s "Babyback Ribs" song.

Justin Bieber says he has three or four albums he hasn’t released yet. Bieber says "you have until midnight to meet my demands."

Well I think we finally know what Fahrvergnügen means. It means go F yourself.

The winners of the MacArthur Genius awards were announced. Among the geniuses are three artists, six authors, and the guy who invented Doritos Locos Tacos.

While in New York City, President Obama and Vladimir Putin met and the meeting was described as "awkward." Apparently Obama was upset that Putin looks nothing like his Tinder photo.

Donald Trump told the "New York Times" that he’s only been getting four hours of sleep a night. In other words, even Donald Trump lies awake at night worrying about a Trump presidency.

In a speech, Marco Rubio talked about the danger of electing a president who does not understand technology. Unfortunately, Rubio's speech was interrupted when his beeper went off.

Rush Limbaugh has said that the evidence of water on Mars is all part of a "leftist agenda." Limbaugh also said that a hydrogen atom bringing two oxygen atoms together to make water is "pretty gay."

A recent survey concluded that one out of five millennials are OK with taking a selfie at a funeral. They say the hard part is getting the corpse to make a duck face.

Dermatologists are warning that the popular new hairstyle "man buns" could lead to baldness. Even worse, it could also lead to "wearing flip flops."

In a new interview, Justin Bieber said he wants to "live like Jesus." In response, Jesus said, "Dude, you’re the reason I’m not coming back."

With Trump offending Hispanics and Ben Carson offending Muslims, which GOP candidate is going to step up and take on the Amish?

I’ve got good news about California, it was just announced that there are nearly 30,000 fewer inmates now in California’s prisons. Here’s the bad news - they all escaped.

While visiting America, Pope Francis secretly met with Kim Davis, the county clerk who denied marriage licenses to gay couples. At first she refused to meet with the Pope because she was told "there’s a guy in a dress named Francis here to see you."

In a new interview, Donald Trump’s wife Melania, who is an immigrant from Slovenia, says she lets Trump be himself. Melania said, "and in return, he lets me be in America."

Governor Bobby Jindal’s presidential campaign is angrily insisting that the "Duck Dynasty" cast supports him, and not Donald Trump. And that is the current report on the state of the Bobby Jindal campaign.

Tesla has debuted a new car which is equipped with a device that instantly clears the air of toxins. Basically, you activate it when you’re driving behind a Volkswagen.

New research finds that robots are just as bad as humans at assembling IKEA furniture. In fact there’s a video that shows two robots trying to assemble the furniture, having a fight, then one says, "I knew it was too soon for us to move in together."

"Game of Thrones" creator George R.R. Martin has put an end to the rumor that there will be a "Game of Thrones" movie. Martin said, "There’s no way I could keep a character alive for two hours straight."

Khloe Kardashian has released a new video detailing her complete butt workout. The video can be seen in any theater that has IMAX.

I can’t believe stores are already selling decorations for Christmas 2016.

A man in Canada has pled guilty to trespassing into a home, doing laundry, and feeding the owner’s cats. The man is being described by authorities as "marriage material."

A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are "idiot," "jerk," "stupid," and "dumb." In other words… he really could be our next president.

Hurricane Joaquin is set to hit the east coast and could cause "historic rainfall." East coast residents are concerned and California residents are jealous.

Due to Hurricane Joaquin, Governor Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency in New Jersey. Christie spent today stocking up on tons of groceries… then he heard about the hurricane.

Today is World Vegetarian Day. There were supposed to be rallies but nobody had the energy.

Engineers at UC Riverside have created a lithium-ion battery using Portobello mushrooms. They came up with the idea while using a different kind of mushroom.

In Russia, a man injected himself with 3.5 million year-old bacteria in hopes of becoming immortal. His funeral is Thursday.

Burger King has begun bottling its own merlot and they call it "Whopper Wine." Not to be outdone, 7-11 has begun selling a product that’s fermented for 6 months - they call it a "Hot Dog."

TV will get to the point where "Dating Clothed" will be a breakthrough show.

I can’t believe Matt Damon is alone on Mars without Ben Affleck.

The worst thing about this new iPhone 6S is that it's the exact size & weight of a brick. Wait, crap, this IS a brick. Damn you, Craigslist.

Now that the Red Sox season is over, I can turn my attention to my vintage doll collection.

Carly Fiorina said that her degree in medieval history will help her defeat ISIS. She said knowledge of the medieval world also helps her when she’s making policy on birth control.

It came out today that Hillary Clinton follows Katy Perry on Twitter. And Bill Clinton follows Katy Perry on tour.

Analysts say Jeb Bush's campaign is in so much trouble, they may bring in George W. Bush for support. This will help Jeb appeal to George W. Bush’s key demographic, people who have a terrible memory.

ISIS has destroyed another ancient cultural treasure from the distant past.  As a result, security has been beefed up around Larry King.

Princess Leia's "slave bikini" from "Return of the Jedi" has sold at auction for $96,000. The bikini is perfectly intact, as is the buyer’s virginity.

Google has gotten rid of their corporate motto, "Don't Be Evil." They’ve replaced it with the motto, "MWA-ha-ha-ha…"

New data suggests that the first recorded instance of the F-word was in the 1300s. In fact the exact quote was, "I’ve got the plague? F***."

New York is imposing new rules for toplessness in Times Square. Guys, how many times do I have to say I was drunk and I’m sorry?

Hillary Clinton criticized Donald Trump during an interview on Telemundo. Clinton knew if there’s one place where you can criticize Trump without him finding out about it, it’s on Telemundo.

A controversial 1,200 year-old document has been found that shows evidence that Jesus was married. I don’t believe it, what married guy gets to spend all his free time with his 12 buddies?

It’s being reported that Donald Trump is mentioned on social media seven times more often than any other Republican candidate. And that’s just by Donald Trump.

Donald Trump’s campaign sent Marco Rubio 24 bottles of water because according to Trump, Rubio is "always sweating." In response, Rubio’s campaign sent Trump some water and vinegar because Trump is always a douche.

It was reported today that there are 1,200 fringe candidates running for president. The fringe candidates include Deez Nuts, Mickey Mouse, and Senator Ted Cruz.

There’s controversy in Texas because a high school American history book refers to African slaves as "immigrant workers." The same book also referred to Cherokee Indians as "ancestral casino owners."

General Mills recalled almost two million boxes of gluten-free Cheerios because, guess what, they contain gluten. General Mills will repackage the cereal under its new name "Glute Loops."

It’s been reported that "Wheel of Fortune" host Pat Sajak makes $12 million a year. Hard to believe he still makes people pay for their own vowels.

Bud Light has created a new device that alerts you when the beer supply in your fridge is running low. The device is known as "your roommate, Chad."

A man in Britain who was born without a penis is now having one reconstructed with his arm. The man has agreed to the surgery, saying, "As long as I’ve got a penis and ONE arm, I’m all set."

Wow talk about hard living. Just found out Bernie Sanders is 41.

Anthropologists have released more information about a recently discovered extinct human species. The species lived in trees, had brains the size of an orange, and plans to vote for Donald Trump.

Donald Trump recently said, "I’m going all the way and I’m going to win." Meanwhile, Mike Huckabee said, "I’m going some of the way and then I’ll go home."

Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has a catchphrase and it’s "Feel the Bern." Of course, now he’s being sued because that’s Del Taco’s slogan.

California Governor Jerry Brown signed the Fair Pay Act which will allow women to get paid the same as men for doing the same job and vice-versa. So, it was great day for women and for male porn stars.

US officials have been wondering why, according to photos, ISIS seems to have so many Toyotas. One clue seems to be ISIS’s credo: "Fanatical about Islam, sensible about gas mileage."

Someone has invented a portable sex robot that’s being called "the 3-in-1 male masturbator." I just want to take a moment here to thank everyone who donated to my Kickstarter.

A 13-year-old girl has become the world’s youngest psychologist. Each session is an hour and she takes cash, checks or Instagram likes.

A California mom is being sued because her son told everyone at school that Santa Claus isn’t real. What makes this story even worse is that her son goes to UCLA.

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Just in time for Lakers season!

Lexus has built a drivable car made of cardboard. It’s part of Lexus' new motto: "Nothing can stop our cars, except a light drizzle."

Ultimate Fighting Champion Ronda Rousey is mad at Justin Bieber because Bieber refused to take a picture with her little sister. Bieber’s funeral is tomorrow.

I have a love/hate relationship with strong contradictory emotions.

I am officially suggesting Andy Richter become the new Speaker of the House. He already has a podium and he LOVES telling people to shut up.

Here’s something you never hear. "Guess we just gotta trust Russia."

Life hack: drink 13 Pumpkin Spice Lattes in a row, and your bathroom will smell just like fall!

According to a new study, more and more gay Americans are coming out on Facebook. Apparently, gay women come out by introducing their female partner, and gay men come out by recapping "Scream Queens."

A high school student hacked the AOL email account of John Brennan, the director of the CIA. In other words, the student correctly guessed that the password of anyone still using AOL is "password."

Jeb Bush’s campaign has a contest now where someone will be flown to Houston to meet him, his dad, and his brother. No word on what the winner gets.

Donald Trump is now saying that his immigration policies would have prevented 9/11. Trump is also claiming his hair would have kept the Titanic afloat.

Volkswagen may be forced to buy back all the cars that failed to properly pass their emissions tests. Volkswagen officials say that’s fine - because they plan to resell them as rock concert smoke machines.

A US astronaut has broken the record for the longest stretch of time spent by a human in space - 383 days. The astronaut attributes this to determination, stamina, and "things being weird at home."

Oprah Winfrey is buying a 10% stake in Weight Watchers. Oprah’s financial advisor asked her if she wanted to buy a large stake and Oprah said, "Oh, yeah!"

While accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Eddie Murphy did a Bill Cosby impression. Murphy’s Cosby impression was so accurate, nine women are suing him.

Is there anything more satisfying than gnawing on a small piece of sandpaper? Yes.

The new Star Wars trailer was released during Monday Night Football and today, all the Star Wars fans are asking "where’s Luke?" and "why is Leia crying?" Star Wars fans are also asking, "What’s a football?"

The trailer for the new Star Wars movie made its debut last night during Monday Night Football. Star Wars fans called it a titillating glimpse into the new franchise, while football fans called it the stupidest beer commercial they’ve ever seen.

Donald Trump is now trying to appeal to Southerners. Yeah, he’s been touring the South and pointing to his hair, saying "How y’all like my critter?"

Canada elected a new Prime Minister named Justin Trudeau, and many consider the guy a heartthrob. The good news is, any Canadian heartthrob named Justin is sure to be popular forever.

Canada’s new Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, once put on a striptease show for charity. In Canada, a strip tease just means unzipping your outer layer of fleece.

Yesterday, First Lady Michelle Obama invited Vine stars to the White House. The meeting lasted six seconds.

When asked about Senator Ted Cruz, George W. Bush said, "I just don’t like the guy." Bush went on to say, "I’ve disliked Ted Cruz ever since he jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch."

An American astronaut has broken the US record for most days in space - 383 days. When NASA scientists heard this, they said, "Oh sh** - we forgot about Earl!"

According to NASA, on Halloween a massive asteroid is going to pass very close to Earth. And in the spirit of Halloween, it will be dressed as a slutty asteroid.

Subway has pledged that they will soon stop serving meat from animals raised with antibiotics. Meanwhile, Arby’s has pledged that it will stop serving meat from animals run over on the Interstate.

In New York, a 100-year-old woman still works 11 hours a day, six days a week. The bad news is, she’s a stripper. She doesn’t dance to "Cherry Pie," she gives you the recipe for it.

Joe Biden announced he is not running for president. And so, as promised, Hillary Clinton immediately released his dog.

Today is "Back to the Future" Day. It’s the day Marty McFly traveled forward in time only to find out the most important thing to people in 2015 is movies from the '80s.

Bernie Sanders praised Joe Biden’s decision not to run. Sanders said, "There’s only room for one goofy old dude."

At the White House the other day, President Obama sang to Usher. And because the president was singing, Usher went to the Situation Room and approved a drone strike in Syria.

The Cubs are on the verge of being eliminated from the National League playoffs. Cubs fans haven’t been this disappointed since every moment of their lives.

The state of Louisiana has been ordered to continue funding Planned Parenthood. In keeping with Louisiana law, they also have to keep offering birth control pills in "regular" and "Cajun-style."

Some white supremacist groups are very upset that the lead actor of the new "Star Wars" movie is black. They also claim the other six movies were "chock full of undocumented aliens."

Seattle Seahawks star Marshawn Lynch has had a Starbucks drink named after him. Starbucks is also honoring Tom Brady with a Venti that deflates to a Grande.

"Jurassic World" actress Bryce Dallas Howard said that she will not be wearing heels in the sequel to make the movie more realistic. As anyone who’s seen the movie knows, that’s where the realism in "Jurassic World" breaks down.

A group of astronomers is actively looking for alien signals coming from a distant star in the Northern Hemisphere. The signals appear to say, "Donald Trump? Really?"

The city of Los Angeles has voted to allow residents to have as many as five cats at a time. And if you’re found with more than five cats, you’ll be fined, and then automatically signed up for Match.com.

The University of Louisville is being accused of luring basketball recruits to the school with strippers and prostitutes. To be fair, college ball is supposed to prepare them for life in the NBA.

Robots are taking over so many jobs, it’s only a matter of time before I go to Starbucks and get my name misspelled in binary.

Instagram has released a new app that creates 1-second videos. So finally, the proper format to release the “Conan O’Brien Sex Tape.”

Yesterday, the Chicago Cubs were knocked out of the baseball playoffs. Or as that’s known in Chicago, "The first sign of winter."

During the Benghazi hearings, there was one moment when a representative told Hillary Clinton that he could wait while she reads her notes, and she said, "I can do more than one thing at a time." Then Bill Clinton said, "When I say that, I get in trouble."

The Chinese Communist Party has banned golf, gluttony, excessive drinking, and adultery. Hey, if you guys don’t want American tourists just say so.

One of the latest fan theories out there now is that, in the new "Star Wars" film, Luke Skywalker will be evil. Even more shocking, Yoda will be a 9th grade grammar teacher.

YouTube is introducing a service that’s going to let users all skip the ads. I’ll tell you all about it after we have a little chat about Geico.

A judge in Indiana has ruled it is legal to take a selfie while voting. The judge also said it’s ok to send a d*** pic while waiting in line at the post office.

Scientists are reportedly testing a new anti-aging drug that could lengthen the lives of dogs. And even better — shorten the lives of cats.

According to a new study, marijuana use in America has doubled in the past decade. And apparently, it’s all thanks to one dude named Brody.

It will be a major, herculean challenge, but I think I can bring back the weave belt.

I’m wondering if now that he dropped out I can still wear my "Sexy Lincoln Chafee" costume for Halloween.

Just now envisioning how weird it would have been for the original patriots to square off against real, actual jets.

One of the top Halloween costumes this year is Donald Trump. Which is why this year, the phrase "Trick or Treat," has been replaced with "Gimme a Kit Kat or I’ll Deport You."

During a town hall meeting, Donald Trump was asked by Matt Lauer if he is nice enough to be president. Trump answered, "Of course I’m nice enough, baldy."

A comedian has been elected president of Guatemala. Apparently, I start next Monday.

Today is Hillary Clinton’s 68th birthday. There was an awkward moment when a stripper jumped out of her birthday cake and said, "Whoops, wrong Clinton."

Analysts say Bernie Sanders has shifted his focus to more aggressive attacks on Hillary Clinton. In fact, Sanders is planning to go after her e-mails as soon as his granddaughter explains to him what an "e-mail" is.

On "60 Minutes," Vice President Joe Biden said he chose not to run for president because he couldn’t win. After hearing this, Bobby Jindal said, "since when is that a reason not to run?"

Chris Christie was kicked out of the Amtrak quiet car for talking on his phone. Then Christie was kicked out of the dining car for "crimes against pretzel bags."

Ben Carson now holds a 14-point lead over Donald Trump in Iowa. Experts say Carson appeals to Iowa’s conservatives, Iowa’s Evangelicals, and both of Iowa’s black people.

The San Diego Chargers have announced plans to move to Los Angeles. However, they’re taking the I-5, so they won’t be here for eight years.

Starbucks has a Halloween-themed Frappuccino. It’s Halloween-themed because the price of it will scare the sh** out of you.

A man named Zaq is creating his own sovereign nation in Utah that he is calling "Zaqistan." Unfortunately, Zaqistan has gotten into a ground war with its neighbor, the "People’s Republic of Todd."

Justin Bieber was the big winner at the MTV Europe Music Awards. The big losers were Europe and music.

The IRS is now giving full married-couple tax status to same-sex couples. Which explains the new app, "Grindr-Just-For-Tax-Purposes."

One of the top political Halloween costumes this year is Donald Trump. Meanwhile, even Jeb Bush doesn’t want to go out dressed as Jeb Bush.

Chris Christie was kicked out of the Amtrak quiet car for making too much noise. Christie said it wasn’t him that was making the noise, it was his eight pound block of peanut brittle.

Yesterday on Twitter, Magic Johnson wished Hillary Clinton a happy birthday. Hillary was confused at first because her husband’s Twitter handle is also "Magic Johnson."

Russia is making plans to send four monkeys to Mars. Not as preparation for a human mission - but because the monkeys criticized Vladimir Putin.

A cracker that survived the sinking of the Titanic sold today for $23,000. Experts say the 100-year-old Titanic cracker pairs very well with any hot dog from 7-11.

A prominent Chinese economist named Xie Zuoshi is suggesting that due to China’s shortage of women, Chinese men should share wives. Sounds to me like someone’s not doing well on Tinder.

Oxford University has conducted a study to find out where people are most uncomfortable being touched. Turns out it’s "in a lab at Oxford University."

The doctor called the "Father of Botox" has passed away at age 70. His patients are grief-stricken but have no way to express it.

There is a new app that will tell you before you buy a house if there was ever a meth lab in it. All the app does is ask, "Is the house in Florida?"

The city of Los Angeles voted to allow residents to house up to five cats at a time. Now I have to figure out which seven to get rid of.

Tonight’s Republican debate took place in Colorado, where marijuana is legal. Which explains why every single question from the audience was, "Where am I?"

On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump’s biggest group of supporters: "People Who Have Been Hit In The Head A Lot."

Analysts are speculating that Donald Trump is losing the support of Evangelical Christians. That’s right - people who believe the Earth is only 6,000 years old are starting to think Donald Trump is ridiculous.

Tonight is Game 2 of the World Series. They might have to cancel it though, apparently they’re still playing Game 1.

Tonight was the World Series and the Republican debate. In other words, two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants.

The math skills of American students have dropped for the first time since 1990. Or as American math students put it, "Since eight years ago."

One of the most surprising fan theories about the new "Star Wars" film is that Luke Skywalker will be evil. An even more shocking theory is that C-3PO will be straight.

A new study just came out that shows decreasing the amount of sugar in obese children's diet improves their health within 10 days. The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween.

According to a new study, 10% of vegetarian "hot dogs" contain meat. So if you’ve ever enjoyed a vegetarian hot dog, now you know why.

This Saturday is Halloween and a lot of people this year are going as presidential candidates. However, I’m not sure I want to see a slutty Mike Huckabee.

For Halloween, Google Maps has created a Street View tour of the world’s scariest locations. The scariest locations include a haunted castle in Scotland, a graveyard in Transylvania, and the bathroom of a Del Taco.

During last night’s debate, Donald Trump said he would feel more comfortable if his own employees brought firearms to work. When they heard that, many of Trump’s Hispanic employees said, "No problemo."

Analysts are saying that after last night’s dismal performance at the debate, Jeb Bush’s donors are in "full panic mode." Apparently, last night, Jeb Bush called his two biggest donors and said, "Calm down, Mom and Dad."

Amazon is considering starting its own clothing line. Which is strange, because what’s great about shopping on Amazon is not having to wear clothes.

China announced it is going to start allowing couples to have more than one child. Which means nine months from now, Apple’s work force in China will double.

I’ve won Fantasy Football by never ever playing it.

I finally got my tickets to the new Star Wars movie. June 11 is a pretty good date, right?

If eating fish is so good for your brain, how come sharks always score so poorly on the SAT?

It’s crazy how one controversial tweet can ruin an entire career. Thank Satan that hasn’t happened to me!

You think Ben Carson’s comments are nutty, my doctor thinks the pyramids are fallen Tetris pieces.

SeaWorld just announced that it is ending its orca shows. That’s the good news, the bad news is, they’re starting a new show where they beat the shit out of a trout.

SeaWorld is phasing out its killer whale show. Or as Fox News reported it, "More killers set free under Obama."

Ben Carson apparently has a painting of himself with Jesus. When he heard this, Larry King said, "Big deal, I have a selfie with Jesus."

Some Evangelical Christians claim that because this year’s Starbucks holiday cup doesn't have any Christmas symbols, Starbucks hates Jesus. In response, a spokesman for Starbucks said, "We like anyone who can turn water into something we can charge $7 a cup for."

In Mississippi this weekend, a sinkhole swallowed 12 cars in an IHOP parking lot. It’s being called "the smallest thing ever swallowed at a Mississippi IHOP."

Donald Trump said if he becomes president, Americans will be "saying Merry Christmas again." Which may be true, but if he becomes president, we’ll be saying it from our new homes in Canada.

Because Donald Trump hosted "Saturday Night Live," NBC is now obligated to give the other presidential candidates free air time. As a result, each candidate will appear as a tattoo on that girl from "Blindspot"

Donald Trump said Ben Carson is wrong about the Egyptian pyramids being used to store grain, because the pyramids are solid. And that, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly sums up the Republican presidential race.

President Obama now has a personal Facebook page where he says he wants to have real conversations about issues. In other words, he’s new to Facebook.

Yesterday, Jeb Bush was asked if he would go back in time and kill baby Hitler, and Bush said, "Hell yeah, I would." Bush was asked this in a college dorm room while getting stoned at 3:00 AM.

In Texas, Uber has launched a horse and buggy version of its service. It's the first Uber app that says, "Your driver will arrive in three to four days."

Yesterday, medical marijuana went on sale in Chicago. As a result, Chicago has just been forced to dip into its Strategic Sausage Reserve.

SeaWorld has announced it will end its controversial orca shows. However, they’re going to keep their XXX sea turtle sex show. When the shell comes off...things get crazy.

For Veterans Day, Hooters is offering all veterans a free meal. And if you’re a sailor, you get to motorboat the waitress.

It’s come out that many Christians who are angry about Starbucks' plain red holiday cup are now taking their business to Dunkin Donuts. One pastor said, "The more we eat at Dunkin Donuts, the sooner we get to meet Jesus."

Donald Trump said he got to know Vladimir Putin very well because they were on "60 Minutes" the same night, even though they were interviewed by different hosts in different locations. Then he said it was a pleasure to meet Flo the Progressive lady during the commercial break.

At last night’s debate, Donald Trump said the new Pacific Trade Agreement would let "China come in the back door and take advantage of everyone." That claim has been disputed by economists, but confirmed by the website "HotChineseBackDoorAction.com"

During the debate last night, Marco Rubio said, "We need more welders and less philosophers." Graduates with a Philosophy degree were so furious, they got on their parents' computers and wrote angry emails.

This week, Al Gore said he is not ready to endorse Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, Hillary said she’s not ready to give a sh**.

Apple announced a plan to create 1,000 new jobs in Ireland. Irish people were excited, until Apple told them, "It’s a Genius Bar, not a Guinness Bar."

Researchers have published a letter from a Harvard student in 1743 asking his parents for money. On the bright side, just this year his student loans were finally paid off.

A theater in Ohio is under fire for casting a white actor to play Martin Luther King Jr. Theatergoers realized something was off when they heard Dr. King say, "I have a dream, and it’s to see Coldplay live."

You know how adults sound in the Peanuts specials? That’s what everybody sounds like when they’re not talking about me.

The CEO of Disney is now getting involved in bringing an NFL team to Los Angeles. So football fans, get ready for the crushing defense of "The Los Angeles Little Mermaids."

Donald Trump’s latest attack on Hillary Clinton is that her hair isn’t real. Trump says he knows this because he saw her in line at his wig store.

First Ben Carson said he attacked his mother with a hammer, now Ben Carson’s mother is saying she’s the one who attacked Ben with a hammer. I don’t know about you, but that’s going to be one awkward Thanksgiving at the Carson house.

The American Postal Workers Union has endorsed Bernie Sanders. They like Bernie because he’s the only candidate who’s old enough to still be using the U.S Postal Service.

On the campaign trail this week, Jeb Bush gave one of his supporters a chest bump. She is no longer supporting him.

A man in Tennessee has apologized to his wife after he plead guilty for trying to have her killed three times. You know who should be apologizing - his hitman.

According to new research, the number of obese women has overtaken the number of obese men. Or as that’s being called by women’s groups, "breaking the glass floor."

Bloomingdales has apologized for a controversial holiday ad that encouraged men to spike their female friends' eggnog. In their defense, Bloomingdales was using the ad to try to sell some Cosby sweaters.

The car horn is great training for the Facebook dislike button.

Lyft has a new promotion where you can get a discount on Justin Bieber’s latest album. Meanwhile, if you take Uber, you could be driven by one of the Backstreet Boys.

RadioShack just announced they will be celebrating Black Friday on Wednesday. Mostly because Radio Shack’s worried they won’t be around on Friday.

Economists are predicting that the adultery website Ashley Madison will go out of business very soon. In fact, many of its customers are already seeing other adultery websites on the side.

Archaeologists in Israel have discovered an ancient formation as old as Stonehenge that’s known as the "Wheel of Giants." They claim that ancient locals used to gather around the wheel nightly and purchase vowels.

A VIP ticket to the Justin Bieber concert costs $2,000; it includes the show, a backstage tour, and a selfie with Justin Bieber. Even more amazing, for $3,000 dollars, you get a show, a backstage tour, and no selfie with Justin Bieber.

There’s a new alarm clock that wakes you up by slapping you in the face. No word yet on which German company came up with it.

There is reportedly a shortage of turkeys this Thanksgiving. So it’s official, even turkeys don’t want to spend Thanksgiving with your family.

After seven years in office, President Obama has finally joined Facebook. So expect a spike in the number of people claiming to have a black friend.

At a campaign rally, Donald Trump said he would "bomb the shit" out of ISIS. It’s all part of his new campaign slogan, "Donald Trump: The Drunk Guy Next To You At the Sports Bar."

Bernie Sanders recently joined Snapchat. So in case you were wondering, you can get Snapchat on a rotary phone.

Campbells is recalling over 300,000 cans of Spaghettios. Turns out, they contain a very dangerous substance called “Spaghettios.”

Critics are panning Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new movie saying the film has "long stretches where nothing much happens." Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt responded "Since when is looking at us not enough?"

The kids band The Wiggles announced they will play a reunion concert next year - for adults only. You can buy tickets at ImACreep.biz

Astronomers have found the farthest object in our solar system. It’s the airport your friend needs a lift to.

Carly Simon finally reveals who the song "You’re so vain" is about: Lester Holt.

The KKK has gone to the Supreme Court to adopt a highway. Well, technically, just the white stripe in the middle.

I'm great in the sack, not so great in the bed.

MSNBC created a virtual reality app that lets you experience life in prison. Doesn’t anyone want to be surprised anymore?

Turkey contains Tryptophan which makes people very Ben Carsony.

What am I thankful for? My family, friends, a fulfilling career...soup...the 140-character limit that keeps me from having to continue.

Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.

I got pushed, elbowed and kicked on Black Friday. And I did all my shopping on my home computer.

My Amazon Wish List is mostly lozenges and Klingon knives.

I used to be a nervous flyer, but I stumbled upon a trick that always keeps me calm - continuous screaming.

Cyber Monday is the day when millions of Americans go online to shop, give up after 20 minutes, and look at porn.

Lakers legend Kobe Bryant announced he’ll retire at the end of the season. Meanwhile, the rest of the Lakers announced they quit playing a month ago.

Donald Trump’s popular "Make America Great Again" hats are actually made at a California factory that employs Mexican immigrants. Even more embarrassing for Trump, his hair is made by Syrian refugees.

Donald Trump claimed to have "many Muslim friends." However, when asked for specific names, the only one he could come up with was "The Genie from 'Aladdin.'"

The '80s rock band Twisted Sister has said Donald Trump can use their song "We’re Not Gonna Take It." Meanwhile, Ben Carson has not heard back from Motley Crue regarding "Dr. Feelgood."

Paul Ryan has become the first Speaker of the House in over 90 years to grow a beard. Meanwhile, Marco Rubio is the first presidential candidate to sport a chocolate milk moustache.

Researchers have begun testing the very first drug that could stop the aging process. It’s called "cyanide."

A group of Japanese scientists has created a hologram you can actually touch. The hologram is so lifelike, many Japanese men have broken up with their sex robots.

I figured out how to make the ñ in jalapeño, ñow does añyoñe kñow how to turñ it off?

Mark Zuckerberg celebrated the birth of his daughter with the pledge to give away 99% of his wealth.  Which is why his daughter’s first words were “that son of a b****.”

Yesterday was Cyber Monday, where Americans spent billions of dollars while shopping online. And tomorrow we’ll be celebrating What The Hell Is All This Shit Wednesday?

Forecasters say El Niño should bring much-needed rain to California. Meanwhile, Donald Trump said if elected president he won’t let El Niño into the country.

Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, "Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten."

Chris Christie said that if elected president, he would not rule out waterboarding. Then he said, "Not for prisoners, but as a way to prepare chicken."

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing.

In Beijing, because pollution has reached 35 times the safety level, children have been ordered to stay home. This could mean a delay for anyone who ordered a new iPhone.

A new trend is parents naming their kids after Instagram filters. Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is - neither does my daughter, Sepia.

According to a report on wasteful government spending, the government spent over $300,000 on a study of seniors' dating habits. On the other hand, we know now that Grandma is "DTF."

When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes formed into the shape of a tiny skeleton.

Los Angeles is getting much closer to having an NFL team next year. So pretty soon, the Lakers won’t be the only team in LA scoring about 20 points a game.

Yahoo reports that among its top searches of the year are Minecraft and the Kardashian family. Both of them were searched under the phrase, "Two-dimensional brightly-colored tools."

A California man won a $1,000 lottery prize and immediately bought more tickets and won $10 million more. So another round of congratulations to Mark Zuckerberg!

After years of being banned, Adolf Hitler’s "Mein Kampf" is headed back to German bookstores. The new edition has a foreword by Donald Trump.

Political analysts say that the Republican leaders are paralyzed over what to do about Donald Trump. Upon hearing that they were paralyzed, Donald Trump immediately started making fun of them.

Puerto Rico is in deep financial trouble - its governor announced, "Let us be clear: We have no cash." Then he said, "On the bright side, we have rum coming out our a****!"

Experts in Israel are trying to recreate a wine used in the time of Jesus. Apparently, all they need is some water and Jesus.

Fox Studios said the Internet rumor is false and in his new film, Leonardo DiCaprio is not, I repeat, not raped by a bear. The rumor got started because the title of the film is "Leonardo DiCaprio Gets Raped by a Bear."

McDonald’s is trying out a new service at some California locations where employees will serve customers at their tables. They’re calling this service "Applebee’s."

A new dating site launched that is exclusively for fans of Disney. Ladies, just be careful if any guys say they want to text you a picture of Pinocchio’s nose.

Donald Trump has finally agreed to release his medical records. Trump is apparently healthy, but unfortunately the carpet does match the drapes.

Today is the 23rd anniversary of the first text message. Or, as my friend texted me, "Today is the 23rd anvil-ersary of the fist Texas massage."

IHOP has removed soda from their kids' menus. A spokesperson for IHOP said, "Children's health is our first priority," and then he laughed for four hours.

It’s come out that last year, a man was able to get past the Secret Service and speak with President Obama by pretending to be a Congressman. The Secret Service realized he wasn’t a Congressman because he was willing to be seen with President Obama.

In New York, Federal authorities have seized 274 pairs of shoes made from endangered species. The shoes were made from rhino horn, crocodile skin, and Jeb Bush supporters.

For its 25th anniversary, the music festival Lollapalooza is adding a fourth day. That extra day will be devoted to showering.

Thieves stole one million worth of jewels in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Police in Santa Fe are on the lookout for someone wearing "way too much turquoise."

Security experts say the new interactive Barbie doll could be vulnerable to hackers. Even worse, they say Barbie’s Dream House can be easily converted into Barbie’s Meth Lab.

Ford has a new software update that will enable Siri in some of their vehicles. So soon you can be in your Ford telling Siri to take you to a Honda dealership.

A company is currently working with scientists to develop a marijuana breathalyzer. The way it works is it measures the level of Funyons on your breath.

According to a new study, men overeat because they’re trying to impress women. Apparently, women subconsciously say to themselves, "Wow, if he can eat that…"

When my wife and I argue, she's the one who sleeps on the couch - Greg Couch, our next door neighbor.

I remember the good old days when a movie poster could just be a movie poster without having to sell out and advertise an upcoming movie.

After months of practice, I can finally touch my toes. (By telling them that they are beautiful.)

The shortlist of candidates for Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" apparently includes Caitlyn Jenner, Vladimir Putin, and Donald Trump. Caitlyn Jenner said, "Those two men are the reason I identify as a woman."

After President Obama said last night that Muslims are some of our sports heroes, Donald Trump sent out a tweet saying "which sport is he talking about?" Trump’s tweet was retweeted by Muhammad Ali and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Donald Trump said today that all Muslims, even US citizens and those serving in the armed forces, should be barred from entering the United States. Trump’s statement was so outrageous and so offensive, his poll numbers went up 20 points.

Ted Cruz has jumped ahead of Donald Trump in the latest Iowa poll. The poll was called "Who’s crazier?"

It was reported today that more than 50 members of Congress still haven’t paid back their student loans. John McCain said he just needs a little more time.

It has come out that a top Russian official recently met with Pamela Anderson. The Russian official said it was an honor to meet someone who’s posed for more topless photos than Vladimir Putin.

A new dating website allows users to post their STD results straight from the clinic. The site is called "Ew-Harmony.com."

In Missouri, a man named Bud Weisser was arrested for trespassing at the Budweiser plant. In his defense, the man said he was just looking for his mail.

In the United Kingdom, a sperm donor has fathered 54 children. Today, he was offered a contract by the NBA.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had their baby over the weekend but they waited until today to reveal the name. When asked why they waited so long, Kim and Kanye said, "We’re very private people."

In Florida, a naked man was arrested for driving 110 MPH while drunk. He was charged with Florida’s most serious crime, "not being on meth."

Hanukkah is eight nights, and it lasts eight days. If it lasts longer than that consult your rabbi.

Fox analyst Ralph Peters was suspended after he called President Obama "a total p****" live on television. Which is shocking, since the name of the Fox News show is, "President Obama is a Total P**** And Friends."

A new report claims ISIS has been using American weapons in their fight against the United States. The weapons include tanks, rifles, and Donald Trump.

Donald Trump said he would not put Muslims in internment camps. He said they would all stay at his luxurious new "Trump Hotel and Internment Resort."

Dick Cheney said Donald Trump’s comments yesterday go against everything America stands for. Cheney said, "In other words, he’s got my full support."

Donald Trump said he could call Bill Gates and ask him to close down the internet. Then Bill Gates said he could call Donald Trump and explain how the internet actually works.

Pope Francis is launching a campaign he calls the "Revolution of Tenderness." It’s the first Papal decree in history to be named after a Marvin Gaye album.

Last week was the 23rd anniversary of the first text message. Coincidentally, it was also the 23rd anniversary of the first rear end collision.

"Star Wars" fans started lining up for "The Force Awakens" 12 days early. So if you see people in LA sitting on the sidewalk in robes muttering about space ships, they might be "Star Wars" fans.

Time Magazine picked their Person of the Year and they chose German Chancellor Angela Merkel over Donald Trump - Donald Trump tweeted that he knew Time Magazine wouldn’t choose him and that they picked "the person who was ruining Germany." Then Trump said, "Germany hasn’t had a great leader since the 1940's."

Donald Trump told "People Magazine" that he’s good at sports. Which could be true, because it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions.

A Fox News analyst has been suspended for calling President Obama a "total p****." Not because the word is obscene - because Republicans found it too close to a discussion of women’s health issues.

Marco Rubio said in a new interview that his favorite show is "The Walking Dead." When asked why, Rubio said, "I’m a senator from Florida - those are my constituents."

The state of Texas is trying to stop a family of Syrian refugees from resettling there. Texas officials said, "We’re too busy with Christmas to think about a Middle Eastern family with no place to stay for the night."

According to a new report, the United States has the most powerful cyberweapons on Earth. Those cyberweapons are Kim and Kanye’s Instagram accounts.

United Airlines announced they are bringing back free snacks for the first time since 2008. Unfortunately, the snacks are also from 2008.

According to a recent survey, 20% of Americans use the internet "almost constantly." The other 80% only stop using it when their spouse walks into the room.

Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

During a photo shoot for Time Magazine, a bald eagle tried to attack Donald Trump. The only thing that saved Trump’s life was the angry hawk living in his hair.

This morning, America Ferrera announced the Golden Globes, but the Globes' Twitter account mixed her up with Latina actress Gina Rodriguez. The Globes said they’re terribly sorry, and immediately apologized to Sofia Vergara.

The Navy is facing a lot of criticism today for naming their newest combat ship after Andrew Jackson. So to completely avoid controversy, they’re going to rename the ship after Michael Jackson.

Researchers at Cornell have successfully bred the first puppies in a test tube. Which is great, because we all know how much dogs hate doin' it.

In an interview, Larry King said when he dies he wants to be cryogenically frozen. Larry said, "I was frozen once during the Ice Age - I loved it. It was the best nap I ever had."

A new study finds that the most STDs in America occur in the South. Which explains that popular saying, "Woo-Wee, I got herpes!"

I just learned that "Machu Picchu" is Incan for "Overpriced Key Chains."

'Tis the season to contemplate how much time you're saving by saying 'tis.

Not a good day. Just learned that not only did I not get a Golden Globe nomination for my role in "Trumbo," apparently I'm not even in it.

Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

Here in Los Angeles, a couple is planning to get married while waiting in line for the new Star Wars movie. The couple's family is unable to attend because they're too busy being embarrassed.

Donald Trump's doctor wrote a letter saying that if elected, Mr. Trump will be "the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency." Then, when asked about Trump’s mental health, the doctor got very quiet.

A golf course owned by Donald Trump is no longer being considered to host a major golf tournament due to remarks that Trump has made about Mexicans and Muslims. You know there’s a problem when your views on race are too extreme for a private golf club.

In England, a drunk driver crashed his car, fled the scene, and was discovered hiding in a nativity scene. Police were suspicious when they saw a Wise Man vomiting on a donkey.

Last week on "Wheel of Fortune," Vanna White had a wardrobe malfunction. That explains why your Grandpa had his first erection in 15 years.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West say they will have no more children. When asked why, they said, "All the really terrible names are taken."

Kim Kardashian, who recently gave birth, just announced plans to eat the placenta. After hearing this, Khloe said, "Sorry, you should have labeled it before you put it in the fridge."

Remember how Mitt Romney strapped a dog to the roof of his car? That seems quaint now.

The fifth Republican debate took place tonight in Las Vegas. The Vegas debate included nine candidates, and, due to a little mix up, Celine Dion and a white tiger.

A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump.

Last night at a casino in Las Vegas, Donald Trump declared, "I expect to win Iowa." Which is odd because, usually when Trump is around a casino, the only thing he declares is bankruptcy.

Critics are saying the new Star Wars film has strongly-written female characters. The most surprising of these is the new breakout character, "She-Bacca."

For Christmas, The First Lady Michelle Obama said both her daughters asked for money. Or, as Fox News reported it, "Obama Gives More Handouts to the Unemployed."

In California, a woman took an entire week to transform her parents’ home into a gingerbread house. And when they saw their house, Mr. and Mrs. Feingold were pissed.

A woman has named her baby Uber after giving birth in an Uber on the way to the hospital. Frankly, I’m more interested in hearing about birth of her first child, Unicycle.

Kim and Kanye’s 2-year-old daughter North has released her first Tweet. It was just three letters, "SOS."

Last night, the GOP debate took place in Las Vegas. CNN said the Republicans chose that location because "nothing says fiscal responsibility and wise choices like Las Vegas."

A new poll came out and it found that, of all the Republican candidates, people think Donald Trump would make the best Santa Claus. In response, Chris Christie said, "OH COME ON, WHAT DO I GOTTA DO?"

At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute "Sieg Heil!" Trump immediately responded, "There is no place for that here - save it for my inauguration."

Target has stopped selling hoverboards after reports that they catch fire. Meanwhile at Costco, they’re selling them as the "George Foreman Grill on Wheels."

In South Carolina, a lawmaker introduced a bill that would put a 24-hour waiting period on Viagra. Today, the lawmaker said to voters, "I’m sorry I thought you said you wanted erection reform.'"

A woman has named her baby Uber after giving birth in an Uber on the way to the hospital. Even better, the baby gave his mother’s uterus 5 stars!

In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. The 98-year-old was shocked, mostly because he had no idea he was playing golf.

An NYU grad student has developed a robotic hand that makes your Tinder-swiping decisions for you. Of course, if you have a robotic hand, you really don’t need Tinder.

In line to visit Santa Claus, and the kid ahead of us just told Santa he only wants one thing for Christmas: "the goddamn truth."

It's true the new "Star Wars" makes you feel like a 10-year-old kid again. I had to rush out of a screening to go home and wet the bed.

I feel really silly dressed up as a Stormtrooper in line to see “Brooklyn.”

Can we all agree that the person who first thought of dangling long, fuzzy socks over a fireplace was an arsonist?

I'm not sure which religion it is, but my neighbors celebrate Christmas by placing all of the husband's belongings on the front lawn.

Idea: fracking, but for eggnog.

Does anyone know if I can return a $450,000 hovercraft without a receipt?

Not only do I hate the phrase, "YOU DO YOU, BRO" but I wrote it in such large letters that I now can't even see myself in this mirror.

What champagne is best paired with alone in the dark?

Maybe now that it’s 2016, we can finally start talking about the presidential election.

I like to think of myself as the kind of boss who brings donuts in the morning. Thinking about it is enough, right?

My favorite jai alai player? Iñaki Goikoetxea of the Basque Country, of course.

Donald Trump called Bill Clinton a woman abuser and Hillary Clinton an "enabler." Then he called the Clinton marriage, "the best one I’ve ever seen."

Donald Trump released his first TV ad. The ad will air on the big four networks during primetime, cable channels during the day, and on Univision when Hell freezes over.

Donald Trump’s television ad mistakenly shows footage from Morocco instead of Mexico. Trump insists it’s not a mistake, and he’s going to build a fence along the US-Moroccan border and make Morocco pay for it.

A militia group that is protesting the US government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon.

There is a new dating site just for white people. It’s called the "Downton Abbey" chatroom.

Thanks to Congress, meat producers no longer have to tell consumers where their meat comes from. Upon hearing this, Arby's said, "Waaay ahead of you, man."

A new study came out, it reveals some dangerous side effects from childbirth. The dangerous side effects women suffer include pelvic injuries, muscle tears, and children.

In New York, a gang of strippers is being charged with drugging male clients and robbing them of hundreds of thousands of dollars. When asked about it, the male clients said, "Still worth it."

A study found that moderate consumption of red wine leads to higher test scores. So apparently, I spent New Year’s Eve "cramming for a final."

A company has introduced a "smart bra" that measures the number of steps you take and it’s called the "OMBra." Which is a much better name than the original choice, "TitBit."

My plan to defeat ISIS? Get them to eat at Chipotle.

It came late, but El Niño finally arrived here in Los Angeles. In case you didn’t know, El Niño is Spanish for "Little Boy." So apparently the reason El Niño was so late, is because it wanted to make sure Jared Fogle was in prison.

The parents of a 6-year-old Canadian boy are angry because he’s been put on the no-fly list. TSA agents said, “We’re trying to prevent the next Bieber.”

Justin Bieber posted a picture of himself on Instagram wearing cornrows. It’s quite a transformation, now he looks like a Jamaican lesbian.

A company has come out with a speaker that pregnant woman can insert in their vaginas so their babies, who are not born yet, can hear music. And ladies, if you really turn up the bass, you’ll never need a man in your life again.

Another day of heavy rain here in Los Angeles. Which is great if you’re worried about the drought, or if you just like the smell of wet man bun.

Donald Trump's wife Melania said she was initially attracted to Donald because of his energy. By the way, "energy" is the Slovenian word for "money."

Twitter is testing a feature that will allow you to write a post that contains up to 10,000 characters. They’re calling this exciting new feature "Facebook."

The government of Iraq has offered to mediate between Saudi Arabia and Iran. You know the Middle East is in trouble when your greatest hope for peace is "meeting up in Iraq."

Since January 1st, Texas is allowing gun owners to carry their guns openly in most public places. However, you still have to conceal your science book.

Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson announced he is running for president as a Libertarian and he supports legalizing marijuana. You can tell he’s pro-marijuana, because he was supposed to announce he’s running four months ago.

A new study came out that found the more porn a man watches, the less motivation he has. I was going to read more about the study, but for some reason I just completely lost interest.

The FDA is planning to prohibit anyone under the age of 18 from using e-cigarettes. The head of the FDA said, "It’s not for health reasons, they just make you look so douchey."

Donald Trump is now accusing Ted Cruz of having a Canadian passport. Cruz said he doesn’t have a Canadian passport, but like everyone else he’ll get one the minute Donald Trump becomes president.

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who was videotaped smoking crack, now says he wants to be Toronto’s mayor again. When asked why he wants the job again, he said, "So I can afford to buy crack."

In Southern California, residents can get up to $100 if they use rain barrels to catch extra rainwater. Experts say it’s a great way to make money, two days a year.

In Germany, a man invented a birth control device that allows men to turn off the flow of semen. The device is called "mom jeans."

After a massive storm, ranchers in Texas are now looking for their lost cattle on Facebook. Surprisingly, they found six of them on Grindr.

Scientists say they have discovered evidence of the mating habits of dinosaurs. What they found are giant footprints from the world’s first "Walk of Shame."

My New Year'z rezolution iz to have more fun with Z's.

It’s January 9th. Only two more weeks until the Christmas presents I bought on Etsy arrive!

Ok, little concerned about the Patriots. Bill Belichick just called and asked if I’ve ever played wide receiver.

The Minnesota Vikings lost their playoff game yesterday when their kicker missed a 27-yard field goal. The kicker is now in an undisclosed location, waiting to meet with Sean Penn.

Mexican drug lord El Chapo was captured by authorities after meeting with Sean Penn. As a result, Bill Cosby just canceled his lunch with Sean Penn.

At last night’s Golden Globes, the movie "The Martian" won for Best Comedy or Musical. In a related story, the Golden Globes won the prize for “Best Cop Drama Or Best Latin Gospel Album.”

During a Donald Trump rally yesterday, a man was kicked out for yelling, "This is boring." The man then went to a Jeb Bush rally and realized he owed Trump an apology.

Due to pressure from animal rights groups, Ringling Brothers Circus has announced they will end their elephant show in May. When told, the elephants said, "Great - looks like it’s back to stripping for us."

The New York Times is describing President Obama’s State of the Union as "a balance of terror and reality." Which, coincidentally, is also the motto of Match.com.

Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump’s wedding but didn’t give him a gift. Trump said, "Just for that, you’re not coming to my next three weddings."

The other Republican candidates keep attacking Marco Rubio implying he’s a child. However, Rubio has hit back against these charges, threatening repeatedly to "tell Mom."

As you all know, Sean Penn recently interviewed El Chapo. Not to be outdone, Keanu Reeves now wants to interview El Niño.

The set of "Sesame Street" just got a major upgrade, and now Elmo lives in a brownstone apartment. And in another upscale move, Cookie Monster has been replaced by the Gluten-Free Biscotti Monster.

One of the gadgets to come out of the Consumer Electronics Show was a drone that follows you around and lets you take selfies 24/7. The device was developed by a team of the world’s leading Kardashiologists.

A new report says America’s fast food restaurants are seeking alternatives to the term "fast food." So far the leading choices are "fast-crafted" "fine casual" and "just trust us it’s meat."

One of the hottest new trends among pet owners is pants for dogs. Not so popular? Thongs for cats.

The St. Louis Rams will be moving to Los Angeles. Of course like a lot of midwesterners coming to LA, they’ll come here with big dreams and end up waiting tables.

The St. Louis Rams will be moving to LA and building a nearly $2 billion dollar stadium here. Apparently the Rams intend to accomplish this by winning the Powerball.

In his final State of the Union Address, President Obama said the United States should not be the world’s "policeman." He said, "at most, we should be its high school drop-out security guard."

While commenting on the State of the Union, Donald Trump said President Obama is "living in a fantasy land." Donald Trump then went to sleep in his solid gold bed with his supermodel wife.

When asked if he would apologize to Donald Trump for calling him a jerk, Jeb Bush said, "I don’t apologize for it because he is a jerk." Kind of reminds you of the great Lincoln-Douglas debates, doesn’t it?

Donald Trump has been endorsed by one of the country’s most prominent hate groups. That’s right, his ex-wives.

Hillary Clinton bought a Powerball ticket and she said if she wins, she’ll use the money to fund her campaign. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton said if he wins, Hillary will never see him again.

In Oakland, California, for the first time, a marijuana company will be publicly traded. It’s the first ever stock that you can buy high, AND sell high.

Leonardo DiCaprio apologized to Lady Gaga for having a scared look on his face when she walked by him at the Golden Globes. He said, "I always make that face when a woman over the age of 22 is near me."

Donald Trump has been endorsed by a whites-only group. In response, Trump said, "I’m proud to be the official candidate of the US Ski Team."

An NFL player is about to become a father for the 12th time with nine different women. So today, he was traded to the NBA.

A Chinese investment firm has bought the company behind the Batman movies. Which explains why in the next Batman movie, a young Bruce Wayne sees his parents killed, then goes back to making iPhones at the factory.

The movie "Fifty Shades of Grey" has gotten a Razzie nomination for Worst Film of the Year. Upon hearing this, the film's director said, "Oooh, looks I’ll have to be punished for that..."

As of yesterday, One Direction is officially breaking up. Also officially breaking up: My heart.

A new scientific report suggests that if only one man and woman were left on Earth, they could repopulate the world. The report concludes with the creepy line "so what do you say, Janice?"

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It’s a very important day, it’s the day where the struggle for racial equality is remembered by all Americans and snubbed by the Oscar committee.

A lot of people are upset by the total lack of diversity by the Oscar nominations - Spike Lee and Jada Pinkett Smith announced they will be boycotting this year’s Oscars. After hearing about it, Vin Diesel said, "Hey, I boycott the Oscars every year."

During last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton said her husband would serve as her "kitchen table" advisor. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said his wife would serve as his "hand rails in the bathroom" advisor.

While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump misquoted the Bible, saying "two Corinthians" instead of "Second Corinthians." And, several times, instead of saying "God" he said "Donald Trump."

At last week’s Republican debate, Ted Cruz accused Donald Trump of having "New York values." Trump said that’s ridiculous, then, overcharged Cruz for a bagel.

It was reported today that 62 people own half of the world’s wealth. The other half bet on the Green Bay Packers.

Chipotle said they will be closing all of their stores for one day next month to discuss food safety. I think I speak for most Americans when I say, "Let’s do it this month!"

Khloe Kardashian has announced she’ll be hosting a new talk show where she drinks cocktails with her guests. The show will be called, "Throwing Up With The Kardashians."

Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, "Well, then you’re all set."

While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump praised the Bible, saying "There’s nothing like it." Of course, Trump changed his mind the minute he found out the book is full of middle easterners.

Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You had me at L."

Yesterday’s episode of "Jeopardy" ended with no one winning. Viewers at home were confused and thought they were watching a Republican debate.

Due to the lack of diversity among this year’s Oscar nominations, many people are calling for a boycott. In fact, today two dead people dropped out of the "In Memoriam" montage.

Last night, Oscar winner Jamie Foxx pulled a man from a burning car. Even more impressive, he did it as Ray Charles.

Some scientists say it’s theoretically possible that there may be a universe where time moves backwards. So finally, some good news for Laker fans.

Chipotle said they will be closing all of their stores for one day next month to discuss food safety. Chipotle said if that doesn’t work they’re going to fall back to Plan B, "Salmonella Sundays."

Last night, C-SPAN aired a debate in New Hampshire among 23 "fringe presidential candidates." The fringe candidates included a Libertarian, a white supremacist, and Jeb Bush.

Jeb Bush mistakenly referred to President Obama’s daughter Malia as "Malala." When Jeb Bush apologized for his mistake, Malia said, "Don't worry about it, Jethbo."

Critics are calling Sarah Palin’s endorsement speech of Donald Trump "bizarre," "meandering," and "mystifying." In other words, she’s still got it.

While endorsing Donald Trump, Sarah Palin said, "How 'bout the rest of us? Right-wingin', bitter-clingin', proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religions." Then she said the craziest thing of all, "I was almost the vice-president."

A new poll shows that, in Florida, Donald Trump has the support of nearly 50% of Republican voters. However, since it’s Florida, at least 25% of those voters probably won’t make it 'til election day.

Netflix announced it will be raising its price for previous discount subscribers. Not only that, Netflix will add a $5 supercharge for every time you "Chill."

In a tweet, Zac Efron compared Martin Luther King's dream for racial equality to his own dream of 10 million Instagram followers. The tweet was so racially tone deaf it was immediately nominated for an Oscar.

Today, the Dow ended down 249 points.  I’m sorry - did I say "the Dow"? I’m sorry I meant the Lakers.

There’s a trendy new diet plan called "The Taco Cleanse" that involves eating tacos all day. Before it was called the Taco Cleanse, it was known by its original name "sophomore year of college."

Rapper Will.I.Am is supporting Hillary Clinton for President whereas rapper Killer Mike said he endorses Bernie Sanders. When told all of this, Sanders said, "What the hell are you talking about?"

After Sarah Palin's rambling endorsement of Donald Trump, she failed to show up at a Trump campaign event. Palin apologized and said, "I was fresh out of nonsense."

Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called "Trumpeters." And Jeb Bush’s supporters are being called, "Clinically Depressed."

Tea Party Senator Ted Cruz claims he currently does not have health insurance. Man, this guy will say anything to prove he’s not Canadian.

A surgeon announced that he successfully transplanted a monkey’s head onto a different monkey’s body. The monkey immediately endorsed Donald Trump.

There’s a new smartphone app that can tell you what your baby wants when it’s crying. Apparently, the most common thing babies say are "I’m hungry," "I need to be changed," and "put down your goddamn phone."

In an interview, tennis champ Andre Agassi admitted that he spent his entire career playing without underwear. Which, it turns out, is very confusing to the ball boys.

According to a report that just came out, during the recent blizzard, people spent a lot more time on dating apps. However, due to the low temperatures, no one was sending d*** pics.

California police are on the fourth day of a manhunt for three escaped convicts. The dangerous sociopaths are believed to be headed to Iowa so they can vote for Donald Trump.

Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Governor Rick Perry. So in other words, Ted Cruz is the #1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice.

Ben of Ben and Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million dollars.

In Alabama, a dog completed a half marathon. After being congratulated the dog said, "What the hell are you talking about? I was chasing a car."

Amherst College has decided to get rid of its mascot, Lord Jeff, because Jeffery Amherst famously gave smallpox-infected blankets to Native Americans. Amherst’s new mascot is Chipotle.

A rare white giraffe has been spotted in Africa. The white giraffe was immediately captured and nominated for an Oscar.

Officials in California are looking for thieves who stole nearly $50,000 dollars worth of bull semen. Sounds like someone’s getting ready to have a pretty crazy Super Bowl party.

People are very upset because in a new movie Michael Jackson is going to be played by a British white man. The producers said, "We didn’t want to cast a white man, but we’d like to get nominated for an Oscar.”"

Chipotle is now being accused of gender discrimination. A spokesperson for Chipotle said, "That’s not true, we serve both E.coli and She.coli."

Last night, Ted Cruz challenged Donald Trump to debate him "mano a mano." In response, Trump said, "See, he’s not from this country."

In New Hampshire, somebody broke into Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. Police became suspicious when they noticed someone in Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters.

Ben of Ben and Jerry’s is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called "Bernie’s Yearning." It’s selling a lot better than Jerry’s ice cream for Hillary, "Pantsuit E-Mail Crunch."

Gisele Bundchen shared a picture of Tom Brady after he lost the NFL playoffs. It was a heartbreaking photograph of a handsome man being consoled by a Brazilian supermodel.

Chase bank ATMs are getting a new feature that will allow customers to withdraw cash without using a card. The feature is called "a crowbar."

An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey man, that’s the key to every party."

A lot of people are upset because in a new movie, Michael Jackson will be played by British white actor Joseph Fiennes. They’re also not thrilled about the new James Brown biopic starring Benedict Cumberbatch.

Today, Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis. In terms of number of sexual partners, those two are known as "the spectrum"

Iran’s President was greeted by topless protesters in Paris. Sadly, the leader of the protest was Gerard Depardieu.