---
comments: true
date: 2013-07-25 11:48:19
layout: post
slug: make-it-count
title: Make it count
categories:
- Personal
tag:
meta: Everything you do, do it for a reason, and make that reason a good one.
---

Last night I was set to speak at [Speak the Web in Liverpool](http://speaktheweb.org/).
That didn’t really go to plan… For anyone who was
[on Twitter](https://twitter.com/csswizardry/status/360125566923452417), or at
the event, you will no doubt have seen that I blacked out. On stage.

## The run-up

The past 7–10 days have been insane. I’ve been absolutely all over the place,
both physically and mentally. I’ve been going to all manner of different
speaking events over the north of the UK, as well as heading away on personal
trips. A whole lot of moving about, meeting people, excitement, indulgence and
no sleep. Fun, sure, but it’s been pretty full on.

As a result of the constant moving about and events and enjoying my non-work
life, I’ve really not being getting enough rest. I recently bought a
[Jawbone UP](https://jawbone.com/up) which, among other things, tracks my sleep;
the most sleep I’ve had in the past week was 4:48hr. The average has been around
3:30hr.

Oh, I forgot to mention, all of this is **on top of my day job** at
[Sky](http://www.sky.com/). I was working a 9–5 as well as all the moving about;
waking up in cities hundreds of miles away and then having to make my way back
to the office in the morning to do a day’s work. I was running myself into the
ground pretty hard and I _definitely_ wasn’t looking after myself.

## The evening

I was set to deliver my talk last night at the superawesome micro-conference
[Speak the Web](http://speaktheweb.org/). After a pretty heavy day (more on that
later), I headed over to Liverpool with [Chad](https://twitter.com/chadtomkiss)
and [Jamie](https://twitter.com/GotNoSugarBaby). I was exhausted and _really_
flagging, as well as not having really eaten. We arrived in Liverpool and
grabbed a taxi straight to the venue.

On the way there I mentioned to the guys that I was feeling pretty ropey, and
that I felt a little ‘weak’ (an odd feeling for a 6′4″, relatively athletic
guy). Nevertheless, I continued on my way; it was only a little tiredness,
right?

We arrived at the venue and it was _baking_. I was feeling pretty light headed
but nothing that a bit of focus and water shouldn’t fix. I sat to look through
my slides one last time during the break, and tried to get into the zone.

I got called up on stage, and instantly everything felt all wrong. I couldn’t
think, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t really see properly, my hearing was off. I
started panicking and _really_ started to mess up my talk. I’ve delivered some
pretty big talks overseas to rooms of around 500 people before; I’ve _always_
been nervous but this was something way more serious than that. I was crashing
_real_ bad. My hearing went all funny as I ploughed my way through the first
four slides in under two minutes. I forgot to say things, I don’t even think I
properly introduced myself, I repeated things, I moved on to a new slide mid
sentence. I was in a bad place, and I felt atrocious.

After only a few minutes in, I said <q>I feel like I’m about to pass out.</q> A
few people in the audience laughed, presumably thinking I was referring to the
Saharan heat in the room. <q>No, really, I’m about to pass out.</q> And then I
went.  The lights went out and then I staggered forward into the crowd. Someone
(whoever you were, thank you so much) grabbed me and stuck a chair under me. I
couldn’t see; I was sat, blind and sweating profusely (my t-shirt looked
see-through and apparently even my stubble was dripping wet). As I regained
vision I could just see a sea of eyes on me as I mumbled to
[Dan](https://twitter.com/hereinthehive) that I couldn’t continue. I was so
embarrassed.

I really want to apologise to Dan and the audience for letting them down. People
keep telling me that I shouldn’t worry about it, and that people are more
concerned that I’m okay. I can see this, and really appreciate it, but I’m a
professional; I was asked to come and speak, and people bought tickets to
attend, and I failed them. I didn’t deliver a talk and the parts I did get
through were a total car crash. I messed up and let people down, I am truly
sorry for that.

I also want to thank everyone who helped me out; the guys who caught me off the
stage, the guy who lent me a tenner to go and buy some food (I hadn’t eaten that
afternoon and had no cash on me), everyone who offered up words of support and
concern. I messed up and you were still there for me. I am very grateful.

I also really, _really_ want to thank my good friend
[Chad](https://twitter.com/chadtomkiss), who missed the rest of the evening’s
talks to take me off for a walk and some food. Dude, you’re such a kind guy.
Thank you.

## The talk

The talk itself was going to be pretty stressful anyway; it was a new talk which
was a complete departure from my usual style. Normally my talks are very dry,
factual, code-based affairs and the talk I was set to deliver last night was
nothing like that _at all_. The talk was called _Make It Count_ and the massive
and painful irony was that it was set to deal with the dangers of overworking
yourself and overdoing things, and making sure that any effort you put into any
endeavours all count for something. I was the example of my own advice, live, on
the night. Kind of apt, but far from ideal.

_Make It Count_ was going to cover the fact that a lot of us go way above and
beyond what most people in other industries normally do. We work day jobs, but
we also run open source projects, we write blogs, some of us speak. These are
all things that we voluntarily take on **on top of our normal workload** and we
need to make sure that it all counts for something, and that we don’t let it get
on top of us. I guess I at least managed to illustrate my own point…

The talk was to cover how, lately, I have been overdoing things and not making
them count. I pour so much energy and passion into CSS Wizardry, and open
source, and articles, and speaking, and I’m not making it work for me. I’m not
making it count.

I’ve always said that articles and speaking are ‘career moves’. BSkyB pays my
bills, but CSS Wizardry is my sideline that will unlock many doors on my career
path. Every event I speak at makes me a loss, every article I write does not
make a difference to how much money I get paid each month. Guess what:

**Career moves don’t mean shit if you’re just going to stagnate.**

My ‘heavy day’ that I mentioned…? **I handed in my notice at Sky.** For months
now I have felt aimless, directionless and misguided. I’ve been accepting more
exciting speaking roles, book contributions, workshops, you name it, but I was
still working a 9–5. I love Sky, really I do, it’s been an unreal place to work
and has been the most formative work of my career, but I was just so bogged
down by it all. I was taking on too much and it was starting to weigh heavy. I
had lost sight and I wasn’t making things count.

I want to go on record as saying that **me leaving Sky is not Sky’s fault,**
it’s mine. You only get as much out of something as you put in, and somewhere
along the way I lost sight. I stopped caring as much, I stopped being as
proactive, I had no endgame and I felt like I wasn’t working toward anything. I
had a great chat with my lead yesterday (I’ll not mention him by name, but he’s
first and foremost a friend who I met five years ago who later ended up becoming
my boss) when I handed my notice in; everything is amicable and we can both see
where our paths started to part ways. I’m really gonna miss the place, but this
is something I have to do for me.

It’s also worth noting that this last week is really only the tip of the
iceberg. The straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve been generally unhappy for
the longest time now, but I’ve put a brave face on it and tried to keep on
keeping on. Months of feeling a total lack of direction and confusion was
brought to an abrupt conclusion by stacking all this extra weight on top of it.
One thing I have learned is _don’t let stuff pile up_.

So yesterday, after a week of no sleep, of travelling, of overdoing things, I
quit a steady and secure, reasonably-well-paying job. I have nothing lined up,
nothing to move on to, no plans, no nothing. I just want to start making things
count.

The culmination of all of these things; the stress of a new talk, the stress of
quitting a job with nowhere to go afterwards, the toll of a week of
far-too-much, the weight of months of stress and, dare I say it, almost
depression about work, it all caught up with me and literally shut me down on a
stage in front of an audience. Man, I am beat.

## The lesson to learn

What I’m getting at here is that we’re probably all doing this kind of stuff
without even realising it. You always assume this shit won’t happen to you. I’ve
_always_ said that I don’t work hard enough to get burnout; I’m a web developer,
I don’t do ‘hard work’, but I do work hard.

If you’re going to take on side projects and speaking and writing and open
source and suchlike then please, **make them count**. Do not run yourself into
the ground working on ‘career moves’ if you’re not going to cash in on them.
It’s taken me a long time to realise this; I started CSS Wizardry almost **six
years ago** and I’m now only just coming to realise that I now need to make _it_
work for me.

Everything I’ve been taking on has mounted to the point that I literally blacked
out on a stage trying to deliver a talk. I’m 23 years old. That is bad news.

Please, _please_, look after yourself, and with everything you do, **make it
count**.