Man: That's an asteroid!
Joel: That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!
Joel: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
Joel: It was on 8-track.  
Crow: That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.
Joel: I was gonna say that!
Crow: I win you this time. 
Servo: They must've spent tens of dollars on this.
Japanese General: Operation Rear View Mirror has failed.
Servo: Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice.
Crow: Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at (a spray turns Crow frozen mid-sentence) AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Joel: See, I told you guys it would work. 
Dr. Hidaka: The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere. 
Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village. 
Kenny: Tibby? Tibby? Tibby?
Joel: Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him. 
Joel: When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole box of gravel. 
Joel: All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy. 
Servo: Oh my God, it's Gordon Lightfoot!
Helen: I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera!
Joel: Keep your shirt on, honey.
Servo: Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat.
Crow: Looks kinda skinny. Must be a Carpenter ant.Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause—
Joel: Oh no...
Crow: Never mind.
Joel: You don't mean that...
Servo: Ant-orexic.
Crow: See? Servo got it.
Servo: You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in The Flintstones.
Crow: I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes. 
Crow: Hope no one's eating rice at this point.
Servo: So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth?
Crow: Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill Sandy Frank!
Servo: Oh, that's just a given! 
Crow: I thought it was deep...
Joel: What did you think, Servo?
Servo: I thought it was pathetic.
Crow: So deep, we should've been wearing boots.
Servo: This made flying turtles look good. 
Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster.
Servo: Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.
Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money. 
Tony: 1... 2...
Servo: 3...
Tony: 5... Joel, Crow, Servo: What?!
Tony: 6...
Joel: That's why they're in such trouble.
Tony: 7... 4.
Crow: Well, they are British. 
Crow: Nick Brimble! I had a knick on my Brimble once.
Joel: The plot thickens.
Servo: Like rancid pea soup.
Joel: Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet. 
Angela: Hello! 
Crow: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you. 
Crow: Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off. 
Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
Servo: An oncoming plane.
Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black…
Crow: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry. 
Carla Stanley: Please, do something! We'll all be killed!
Crow: I guess she's in charge of panicking.
Servo: Okay, all the actors form a line! "Love Boat" on the left, "Fantasy Island" on the right! 
Joel: So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing? 
Crow: Magnum, deep fried. 
Announcer: There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same.
Servo: Who won?
Crow: I know I'll never be quite the same.
Joel: This movie's history.
Crow: We're history.
Joel: Let's go. 
Servo: Who won? ... Who won? ... Who won the game?! 
Servo: Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha– 
Crow: Like Barry Newman.
Servo: So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night.
Crow: I bet this was made in Canada.
Servo: Oui. 
Dr. Whitman: You all know "Follow the Leader"?
Crow: This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor". 
Servo: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor! 
Crow: Get a catcher's mitt!
Joel: Boil some water.
Crow: Boil some newspapers!
Crow: Kinda sorry Shelley bought it.
Joel: Yeah... kinda of a shame.
Tom: She bought it, but we paid for it. 
Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this? 
Crow: Oh look, it's Shelly Winters and Ernest Borgnine. 
Joel: Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.
Crow: Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.
Tommy: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!
Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind! 
Crow: Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it SUCKED!!
Servo: It's Brooke Shields, the Creature from the Blue Lagoon!
Reporter: Everyone is asking the same question...
Servo: Why am I watching this? 
Joel: It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie. 
Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!
Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing. 
Servo: Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.  JoelI am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.
Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? 
Man: Let's get you outside and have some fresh air!
Servo: I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now. 
Crow: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.
Commando Cody: Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?
Servo: It's an election year.
Retik: Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.
Commando Cody: Why do you want to invade the Earth?
Retik: Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.
Joel: Get a humidifier! 
Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.
Joel: The god of decaffeinated coffee.
Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests. 
Servo: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man. 
Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it? Servo I've reached the end of my life And I'm waiting for the knife to fall. 
Dr. Krupp: Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!
Joel: The Cosmo sex quiz? 
Joel: These are the extras...they'll probably get killed. 
Servo: Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him. 
Servo: Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. Then one day, he was shootin' at some food... 
Joel: And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.
Servo: Wolfman, that is.
Joel: Black teeth. Joel, Servo: Gnarled face. 
Servo: Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared. The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!" Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!" So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.
Servo: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?
Prof. Blaine: Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!
Joel: Tell that to the NFL! 
Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part! 
Servo: That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.
Prof. Fitzgerald: You seem to be excellently equipped.
Servo: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers. 
Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba! Hup!
Servo: And I was gonna watch that all day.  
Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!! 
Joel: Is he primordial soup yet? 
Joel: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow. 
Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back! 
Crow: Thank you, I love cake! 
Servo: Landshark. 
Joel: Candygram. 
Servo: Pizza delivery. 
Servo: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch. 
Crow: Now you might feel a little sting... 
Crow: OK, a big sting.
Crow: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him. 
Crow: Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants!
Joel: OK...and a bad thing?
Crow: They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!
Joel: You, my friend, get a RAM chip! 
Owner: No dancing, not allowed.
Joel: This is just like Footloose. 
Crow: No acting, not allowed. 
Owner: No rats.
Joel: Unless they're on the menu. 
Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?
Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity. 
Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
Paul: "Stacked"?
Crow: "Stacked" means you're really smart.
Police Officer: Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening?
Crow: The sound of one hand clapping? 
Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
Joel: Must be a talent meter. 
Joel: Bless you!
Crow: Gesundheit.
Joel: You're not supposed to do that...  
Ro-Man: Humans! Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.
Joel: We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.  
Ro-Man: And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative.
Crow: He's so negative! 
Joel: Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does.
Servo: Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts. 
Joel: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case. 
Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!
Servo: Me-man? 
Ro-Man: Yes.To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!
Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.
Joel: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?
Servo: Do not violate ape law!
Johnny: I think you're just a big bully, picking on people smaller than you are!  
Ro-Man: Now I will kill you. 
Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
Crow: Hip? Not. Ick! 
Servo: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
Crow: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb. 
Tolliver: Genius waits for no one!
Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings. 
Tolliver: I… I've never seen anything like it!
Servo: Even in Tijuana! 
Joel: Lookit — they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival! 
Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair.
Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.
Crow: At night.
Joel: In a fog. 
Crow: Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn. 
Valeria: You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
Torque: Yes!
Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?
Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.
Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
Joel: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?
Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.
Joel: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck? 
Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground—
Servo: A voice-over is placed into the script. 
Servo: Oh, it's a spare!
Crow: Gutter head. 
Servo: Hey it's in color!
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Really bad music already, this is great.
Servo: Is this a Pink Panther movie?
Joel: No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.
Servo: Why would they use cartoons?
Joel: Uh, so astronauts could understand them.
Servo: Ah. 
Clementine: He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.
Capt. Kemp: He's probably waiting at Moon City.
Clementine: Mmm, that's what the man said.
Servo: Don't you listen to what the man says. 
Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?! 
Joel, Crow, Servo: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty! 
Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? CrowHe's from Barcelona. 
Servo: Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!! 
Crow: Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion! 
Crow: Hey, who's the guy in the cage?
Servo: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop. 
Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is.
Jane: Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.
Crow: Maybe it's Aida.
Bob Steele: That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.
Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name. 
Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!
Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?
Servo: I don't wanna know. 
Narrator: … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
Narrator: … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
Servo: And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage! 
Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. 
Joel, Crow, Servo: Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep. 
Servo: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first. 
Hank: … I found something a lot more interesting!
Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
Crow: Only mounted. ^ 
Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First—
Servo: We're small. We can run fast.
Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
Crow: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point. 
Crow: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…
Servo: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains. 
Joel: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.
Lisa: How do we stand on fuel now?
Crow: I'm for it. 
Servo: Well...that could have gone better.
Joel: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!
Crow: Nonsense!
Servo: Run away! Run away!
Joel: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore! 
Servo: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!
Crow: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!
Servo: Time for zis vun to come home! 
Crow: Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets. 
Crow: Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule.
Joel: Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned?
Dr. Forrester: We couldn't get it! 
Joel: This grass... It's... drugged! 
Crow: It was about that time the Duke boys decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about.
Paisley: Why can't I reach you?
Crow: There's a ladder in the way.
J.C.: I treated you like a brother!
Crow: Not a good brother...
Big Jake: He hit Big Jake! 
Crow: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out." 
Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
Joel: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet. 
Bob: White goddess having trouble?
Crow: White fascist getting smart?
Bob Draper: Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper.
Don Pringle: Don Pringle.
Crow: Heir to the potato chip fortune. 
Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists!
Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!
Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!
Crow: Little Richard: the one true talent in this film!
Katrina: His name is Angelo.
Servo: He's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. 
Servo: I feel a number coming on…
Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!
Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.
Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina! 
Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack?Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
Servo: Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?
Joel: Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?
Servo: DUCK AND COVER!
Joel: Is right for five points. 
Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.
Joel: That's why we've got to crush them! 
General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
Joel: You mean an actor becoming President? 
General: Hello?
Joel: Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear?
General: Yes!
Crow: Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence! 
Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT?
Crow: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A. 
Crow: It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce. 
Blind Guy: Help me. 
Joel: Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.  Servo…ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.
Crow: I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey… 
Crow: I'm a lamp. 
Crow: It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up! 
Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.
Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album? 
Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.
Joel: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time! 
Servo: Not this way, man, my mom will see me! 
Crow: Hey, look! Erik Estrada! 
Crow: Oh, look! A V-2!
Tom: Aw, I could've had a V8! 
Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?
Native Girl: Nooo!
Crow: Me no got lead sarong.
Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
Joel: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time. 
Crow: Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film!
Biker: Where ya from?
Servo: Sidehackers. 
Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?
Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name. 
Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
Crow: If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.
Commissioner Magee: We kill…
Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
Commissioner Magee: …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
Servo: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite. 
Narrator: Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.
Crow: Called "Blood Alley."
Narrator: No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...
Joel: It made you feel happy. 
Narrator: Here comes someone from one direction and... 
Narrator: ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.
Joel: Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe! 
Servo: Well, I guess he can't be a witness... 
Dr. Bennett: Oh Ralph, what is it?!
Crow: It's an iguana, now shut up! 
Brinkman: Sumiko!
Crow: I will as soon my lawyer gets here.
Sumiko: Brinkman!Have I changed that much?
Joel: Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man! 
Crow: Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma. 
Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him? 
Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script? Joel, Crow, & Servo: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy! 
Goro: Hey! The rocket!
Servo: Rockets!
Crow: On a picnic?
Rokuro: Help me! Hurry up!
Joel: Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid! 
Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Yep!
Crow: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope… 
Jinkawa: Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot!
Joel: Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your 
Crow: Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday... 
Joel: They've just created Jennifer Beals. 
Joel: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon. 
Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?
Servo: No, it's another superhero of your own design!
Goro: They're controlling him. Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!
Crow: Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it! 
Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
Joel: Um, no.
Servo: Not this kid. ServoGee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat! 
Servo: I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys...
Crow: He's got a foreign object!
Servo: He is a foreign object! 
Crow: I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi. 
Crow: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
Joel: Do you expect me to talk?
Crow: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!
Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there. 
Servo: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot! 
Servo: Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!  Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye!
Servo: Thanks for leveling our country! 
Goro: Jet Jaguar! Let's go home! 
Crow: Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house!  He jock it made of steel. Eats sushi from a pail. Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar! He mother never really love him. He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity. He dickey covers up an Adam's apple the size of a Toyota. He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid's head against a rock! Knock, knock, knock!! Who's there? He face look like Jack Nicholson. Don't laugh like that; it'll stay that way. Yamahageeooooooh!  Do not touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man. 
Crow: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here! 
Tom: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.^ 
Crow: Kabob and Ka-Steve! 
Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie?
Servo: Oh, Miles O' Keefe!
Ator: Man's destiny is predetermined.
Joel: Oh, he's a Calvinist! 
Servo: You idiot, we don't even have a doe license 
Joel: Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.
Tom: What would MacGyver do? 
Narrator: After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.
Servo: Oh, you mean the '80s. 
Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before. 
Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!
Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point! 
Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie. 
Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!
Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator! 
Servo: Oh, come on.
Crow: What the…?!
Servo:
Joel: Terrific.I'm the luckiest boy in the world! I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!
Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh?learned aerodynamics… 
Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.
Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb. 
Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now. 
Crow: Uh— huh?
Joel: How'd he do that?
Servo: How'd I do that? 
Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now.
Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts. 
Crow: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because theynever tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables! 
Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
Joel: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
Dr. Murase: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
General: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
Servo: Because Kenny said so. 
Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...
Crow: ... and Kenny...
Dr. Murase: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
Servo: More Gamera movies? 
Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel: Kenny, however, is free to move about. 
Crow: Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle? 
Dr. Forrester: For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner? TV's Frank: People vomit?
Dr. Forrester: Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting! 
Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.  Hunter #1: What the hell is that? Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
Crow: A pear? 
Crow: Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop? 
Rick: It stinks! 
Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.
Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
Joel: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.
Crow: And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan? 
Servo: Syntho-birds.
Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest.
Joel: They parked next to a data stream. 
Joel: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!
Tommy: You know what "play" means, Trumpy?
Crow: Yes, it's where I break you in half. 
Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.
Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky. 
Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.
Tommy: You can do magic things! 
Crow: It's called "evil", kid.
Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.
Crow: Orphan Annie eyes. 
Crow: Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.
Servo: Meanwhile, in another movie?Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT! Tommy's mother: Tommy, can you hear me?
Joel: Can you feel me near you? (Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly)
Joel: I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works!
Servo: I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams)
Joel: Oh, we've got commercial sign!! 
Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting. 
Servo: And, we'll be right back, right after this. Kids, here's the greatest, the neatest, the latest thing! 5000-piece Fightin' Men 'N Monster Set (some pieces not included)! Astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! Here's what you get: 500 Japanese light infantry (body parts may not be missing) 36 helpless individuals 20 tanks 15 recoil-less rifles (not in the set) 24 Bazooka Gum runners 18 ambulance chasers 12 jet fighters (six not included) 16 helicopter parts 200 shooting crouchers 19 fighting clowns 8 deserters 6 geese a laying 24 Mohawk Indians And much much much much more! Act now and receive, at half the extra value, the Mystifying Monster Action Pack! Flame on with Gamera (torso sold seperately), he belches real fire and causes real pain! Solid rubber Barugon comes complete with optional ram-tongue action (not responsible for nerve damage)! Act now, act often, and snap on the entire Tokyo Metropolitan Area (some parts may not exist)! Complete with buildings, bridges and the breakaway Monte-Nuco Dam (smaller than shown)! Trample the add on Hapless Citizen Play Set, then abhor the action with the fabulous Anti-War Protest Pack (Senator Wellstone not included)! But that's not all! Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the Lights, Gamera, Action series! There's the Gimp, the Goon, the Shamed Old Brother, the Hapless Geisha and the Fall-Apart Voodoo Kenny! Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Review, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you created explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah or Puerto Rico! Prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, and some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! Mommy! Mommy! 
Joel: Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one. Let's not do that again. 
Crow: My piece of wood! It died so that we might live. 
Crow: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!
Caroline: Catherine, I'm scared!
Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you.
Crow: We're doomed, but with you.
Crow: C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot! 
Catherine: Hurry, this way!
Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going! 
Servo: AAAH! The tree's having a seizure! 
Crow: Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people. 
Servo: D is for damned, as in "Village Of".
Crow: You vill dance with me, Eva! 
Servo: I want a Clark bar. 
Joel: I is for Ike. He hides inside. 
Joel: Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone. 
Joel: And there's Elvis now. 
Servo: N is for float... huh? 
Servo: Ah, and there's Louie Anderson.
Narrator: O is for once...
Servo: "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike? 
Servo: O is for the obscene treatment of animals.
Joel: P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this.
Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! Joel 
Crow: Hey, these are all boys!
Joel: Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall!
Servo: U is for upchuck that comes from below.
Narrator: X is for Xmas...
Servo: X is for existential dilemma.
Servo: Yeah, well, Y is for Yanni, as far as I'm concerned. 
Joel: Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals that the fish is full of! 
Crow: I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness. 
Crow: Daddy-O!
Servo: Must be Harry O's father. Or Wendy O.'s dad. 
Crow: Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane! 
Crow: You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor. 
Joel: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls! 
Phil: What's this?
Servo: It's made of butter. 
Crow: Oh, bless you. 
Crow: Was he mooing?
Photographer: Hey, Boy! Boy!
Joel: Crazy Boy! 
Crow: Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press. 
Servo: Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!
Crow: Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.
Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.
Glenn: All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore.
Joel: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.
Glenn: I don't want to grow anymore!
Joel: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid! 
Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!
Crow: Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. 
Mike Nelson: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume CronynJessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old. Joel, Crow, Servo: This is the song written for the train chase. This is the chase, Rocky and Ken! He tried to kill me with a forklift… Olé!
Ken: There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?
Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board! 
Tom: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay. 
Narrator: ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!
Joel: Yeah, well, you're full of skit. 
Tom: Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs. 
Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.
Servo: Then gimme back my cocktail.
Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.
Crow: Bitter? Oh, a tad. 
Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours?
Servo: Name dropper!
Claire Anderson: Real chums.
Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.
Crow: You will bow down before me! 
Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. 
Servo: M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
Joel: Movies — NOT!  Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! 
Joel: Here comes old flattop...
Servo: Don't! George Harrison will sue you!
Joel: Oops, sorry! 
Joel: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts. 
Akio: Hey, what happened to my hair?
Tom: The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!
Joel: They ate my hair?  
Crow: I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles! 
Joel: Shut up and keep driving! 
Tomoko: Kon-chan?
Officer Kondo: Heh? What? JoelThey will all die by Gamera's hand! 
Joel: I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!
Professor Bueller: Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...
Crow: ...or an arm... 
Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
Servo: Oh, and you must have a wire rack.
Professor Bueller: Do you know...
Crow: ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.  Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
Crow: Uh... er... panties! 
Bueller: Now, let's look at another typical example. 
Crow: This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing.  Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
Crow: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'... Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor.
Professor Bueller: Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...
Joel: ...will wish he were dead. 
Joel: No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him!
Servo: Wow. Crow 
Crow: Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool! 
Crow: It's Rose Kennedy! 
Joel: Sex cameraman? Is this a–
Servo: No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel. Joel, Crow, Servo: Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down Way hey, slow the plot down! We'll scuttle the story and run her aground. We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!
Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all.
Crow: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah! 
Servo: Forget about life-jackets this is The 50's. 
Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
Joel: Kill Colonel Kurtz!
Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
Crow: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Servo: Honk! Crow 
Ted Husing: Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago?
Servo: For voting twice?
Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
Crow: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! 
Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
Joel: Hurting the people you know and love?
Crow: Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?
Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or...
Crow: ...or call PETA! 
Joel: What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys? 
Crow: How green was my valley?
Joel: Not very.
Joel: This script is like a telephone directory!
Crow: But not as interesting. 
Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school!
Servo: If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay... 
Joel: Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.
Crow: Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen? 
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo: ...and why I'm being fired. 
Servo: She consulted Robert McNamara.
Joel: And Ayn Rand! 
Narrator: She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box.
Crow: (chuckles maniacly)
Joel: Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here. 
Servo: It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself!
Joel: It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner!  CrowHi! Howya doin'? We're gonna have a great time! We're gonna be pals! 
Crow: Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho? 
Servo: Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.
Joel: Play "Whipping Post"! 
Crow: I'm a Q-tip, what are you!  Joel, Crow, Servo: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay! 
Servo: Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.
Narrator: ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question.
Joel: How do Pop-Tarts work?
Kay: What are you doing to major in, Helen?
Louise: What are you going to take, Jean?
Joel: I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!
Kay: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach.
Joel: Because I can't do. 
Joel: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!  JoelHome Economics, starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.
Voice Over: What is "Home Economics"?
Crow: Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now... 
Joel: Hey, it's Abbey Road. Joel, Crow, Servo: Here we come, walking down the street...
Servo: It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family... 
Narrator: Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all.
Servo: And to re-enact the last scene from Anna Karenina. 
Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Joel: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! 
Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place.
Ken: How will we do it?
Rocky: Easy.
Servo: Wha— wait a minute. 
Crow: Hey, corn...CORN?!? 
Joel: What does "A.S.C." mean?
Servo: "A sick cookie".
Joel: Oh. Joel, Servo, Crow: Come on and buy some crap from us You know that you want to And the white race will salute you As you prance and gad about! 
Mr. B Natural: Boy! Am I glad to see you!
Crow: Well, it's not mutual!
Mr. B Natural: Knew your father, I did!
Joel: Hey, leave my father out of this!
Mr. B Natural: And your grandfather! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam!
Servo: Yeah, you were the snake!
Mr. B Natural: The spirit of music's inside all of you.
Crow: No, I bathe.
Mr. B Natural: In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit) 
Joel: Got it from the Franklin Mint! 
Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance!
Crow: Don't hit me!
Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks!
Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I...
Servo: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster. JoelThat hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me...
Servo: Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz".
Mr. B Natural: Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the spirit!
Servo: Yeah, calls for Satan. 
Buzz: Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading. Buzz's Mother: All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...?
Crow: This time, don't make so much noise when you "read."
Joel: Why does my kid have to be such a dud? I was popular!
Mr. B Natural: Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you! That's me, B Natural!
Servo: So I'm attracted to guys now? 
Mr. B Natural: You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos.
Crow: The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away! 
Mr. B Natural: And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform...
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for a band competition...
Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!
Mr. B Natural: ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!
Crow: Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Mr. B Natural: When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!
Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity? 
Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.
Crow: Forget music, I wanna dance! 
Crow: He's so perky... kill her.
Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.  JoelMom, Dad, tell me you heard that!
Crow: Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day. 
Joel: Honey West! 
Joel: Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong. 
Servo: Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet.
Crow: This trumpet is flatlining!  Joel, Servo, Crow: We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...
Joel: Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.
Crow: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour... 
Joel: It stinks!
Servo: Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.  Joel, Crow, Servo 100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude! Take one down, pass it around, 99 years of solitude! 
Joel: Avis Films, we try harder.
Servo: The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent. 
Joel: My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic. Crow, Servo: Hi, Sally. 
Narrator: And these four children are especially important about the four things.
Joel: 'Cause they're on the payroll. 
Narrator: The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns.
Joel: Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats.
Narrator: Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement.
Servo: Hey, who wouldn't be? 
Joel: That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy.
Narrator: But they are not happy with what they see.
Servo: They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing!
Narrator: For Tommy is indeed surprised...
Crow: No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!
Narrator: ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round.
Joel: He's got VPL.
Servo: Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL!
Narrator: Now Jimmy is disturbed to see...
Crow: Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops!
Narrator: He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall.
Servo: Just like his dad on Friday night!
Narrator: And what gives Jane her worried frown?
Joel: Valium?
Narrator: Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree.
Servo: All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here.
Narrator: Our Mary is a happy girl...
Servo: (imitates repeated burping)
Narrator: ...with hollowed chest and tired head.
Crow: She should jut go home to bed. Green Eggs and Ham.
Servo: Thank you, Sam-I-Am. 
Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
Servo: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI. 
Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired?
Crow: Yes, very much so. 
Joel: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!  
Joel: Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other. 
Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy—
Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!
Narrator: —when Jimmy stands off-balance.
Crow: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.
Joel: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!
Tom: Heh-heh... what?
Narrator: At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test. 
Crow: Hey, it's Hitchcock!
Tom: Yeah, after Slim-Fast! 
Narrator: Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture.
Joel: And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood. 
Crow: FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX! 
Servo: Then Mary's head is lit on fire!
Narrator: And the other three children win the other posture crowns.
Servo: Definitely a fix.
Narrator: Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures? Joel, Crow, Servo: NO!
Crow: Their chances of ever being cool are over! 
Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...
Servo: ...in a prison break.
Narrator: ...and now, it's mended as good as new.
Joel: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. 
Joel: Hey, John — why the long face, pal? 
Sharon: Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here. 
Crow: NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE! 
Sharon: Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?
Crow: Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'. 
Crow: I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!
Servo: I can't think of anything else! 
Lobo: Time for go to bed!
Joel: Well said. 
Joel: His story has a better plot than this movie... 
Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies! 
Crow: For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars! 
Kimar: Now, go to sleep!
Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
Bomar: I want to see more toys!
Kimar: No, go to sleep!
Crow: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?
Servo: Why, sure! 
Joel: Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.
Servo: You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.  CrowHave you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup. 
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
Joel: We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!
Crow: Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam. 
Dr. Forrester: Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny! TV's Frank: Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…
Dr. Forrester: You… hocked… my… Rolex. TV's Frank: Yah…
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift. TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money. TV's Frank: Heh heh. Oh, Henry! ^ 
Sheriff Kyle: Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!
Crow: Office?! That's a car. 
Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
Max: I'm going off duty for the day.
Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.
Mr. Trumball: You got a warrant, sheriff?
Servo: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.
Crow: I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere... 
Okasa: The old man hired you?
McAlister: I am not for hire.
Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times...
McAlister: The dark times have gone.
Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa! 
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie! 
Crow: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! ^ 
Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those.
Servo: Damn. He knows Doug Henning.
Max: You all right?
Joel: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.
Crow: Staring contest on the left. Check it out.
Fu Manchu: This is Fu Manchu.
Crow: And you're not. (Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises) Servo: Oh... King's on his throne. 
Max: I'm here. Are you?
Carrie: Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.
Max: I hear ya. 
Servo: You're a wry wit. 
Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten. 
Crow: Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much.  Joel, Crow & Tom: : Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila! 
Chase: The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
Joel: I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
Chase: The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
Crow: That's why the Deuteronomy's so long. 
Joel: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" 
Tom: The horror! The horror! 
Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character! 
Chase: Two twenties!
Tom: That makes thirty dollars! TV's Frank: It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed.  TV's Frank: So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?
Morrissey: He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried? TV's Frank: Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.
Morrissey: Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?
Morrissey: This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours... 
Woody: I lost a tooth.
Servo: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss! 
Crow: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl. 
Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels. 
Servo: No acting beyond this point. Not allowed.
Crow: The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it. 
Servo: Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it does say that Boy George rides in flinging molotov cocktails. 
Mick: You're nothin'.
Joel: Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.
Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but—
Crow: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.
Mick: We ain't stupid.
Bolo: Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.
Crow: Not on screen anyway. 
Crow: Oh, Austin City Limits! 
Tom: This is F.U.N. 
Crow: Wow, really old teenagers from outer space. 
Spacecraft Captain: When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture! Joel, Crow, Servo: TORCHAA!!
Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Servo: We have the supreme pizzas! 
Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."
Crow T. Robot: You mean a day?  Joel I have often walked down the street before, But I've never done it packing heat before… 
Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Crow: Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off!
Betty: Where are you from Derek?
Joel: A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me". 
Tom: You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this. 
Servo: ...and now, Trapper John, M.D.!
Crow: Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center!
Servo: Yeah!  Clown #1: Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?
Servo: Yes, about a kajillion times! Clown #1: Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash? 
Joel: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal! Clown #2: Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?  Clown #2:Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!  Doctor #1: Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!
Crow: Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is! Doctor #2: He'll make a fine Naval officer.
Servo: He'll make several of them! 
Servo: Oh, Mommy!
Joel: Honey West!
Crow: Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.
Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick—and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home. 
Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
Joel: Smothered in gravy—Texas style!
Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.
Joel: All nine of 'em.
Joel: And the crowd goes wild! Crow, Servo: Yay. 
Narrator: Eight seconds.
Joel: Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much.
Narrator: Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater.
Joel: It's sad, really.
Servo: ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!! 
Narrator: He must eat his own body weight every few hours…
Servo: …plus a delicious shake. 
Crow: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins! 
Sherman: Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here!
Crow: These things make everything look bigger! 
Joel: I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!  Crow, Servo: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you! He comes out at night to give you a fright. Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew! He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff! 
Servo: Puppies! 
Joel: Hardly any animals were hurt in the making of this movie. 
Crow: I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
Servo: When Kennedys ruled Greece. 
Joel: Only millions of Christians. 
Joel: He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's.
Crow: Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints... 
Servo: Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man. 
Servo: Oh, please. He should quit his job. Strippers make way more money than cops!  Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank: DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP 
Servo: Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of me all day long!
Joel: Pizza, pizza.
Crow: Herc, you gonna help us move?
Servo: Even if it costs me my life.
Hercules: Now see them both safely back to the city.
Servo: Even if it costs you my life. 
Joel: It's the Monsters of Rock Tour! 
Servo: Don't let him get you over his head! 
Servo: We seem to be in some sort of Limbo zone.
Crow: Rush Limbaugh?
Joel: No, that would be more like Hell. 
Servo: Wanna get stoned? 
Crow: Everybody must get stoned!
Joel: Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...?
Crow: It's really not that good!
Joel: Come with me, mister! 
Crow: AAAAAAGH!
Dr. Forrester: Well Jimmy Smits, your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I Gordon. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring sword and sorcery, Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone. 
Joel: Teddy Ruxpin, no! 
Joel: Lighten up, they’re just puppets!
Crow: Hey...
Joel: Sorry. 
Crow: I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy. 
Crow: She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like
Tom Servo: EEAUGHHH!
Crow: She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED! 
Gypsy: Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting!
Joel: Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie.
Gypsy: Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry... 
Gypsy: Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!
Joel: All right, Gypsy! Good one!  Joel, Crow, Servo:The Simpsons... 
Crow: Ah, here comes Nurse-feratu. 
Crow: Hey, he was old even then! 
Servo: Look! It's the MST3K logo!
Joel: Uh, you're not supposed to know about that...
Servo: Oh, uh...  
Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
Crow: Bingo! 
Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
Servo: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
Vi: Save me, Tom, please!
Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him. 
Tom: Meg's mad at me.
Sandy: She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
Tom: O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
Joel: Put her down, Jerry Lee!
Ken: Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.
Servo: Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...
Eddie: Anything...
Joel: ...Is better than this crap! 
Crow: Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
Joel: Oh… why?
Crow: Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he dies.
Servo: What?! 
Joel: Well, anyway, with double entendre, you can say just about anything,
Tom. Like: "Say — does this TV have a remote? Mmmmm!"
Servo: Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: "Say — check out the arms on this jumpsuit!" Right?
Joel: Oh, right on! Woo-hoo!
Servo: All right, yeah!
Joel: "As far as I know, Lincoln's not President anymore!"
Servo: Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"She came back from the store with a bag of apples, and a loaf of bread!"
Joel: Mmm-mmm-mmm!
Crow: I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—"
Joel: Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about.
Crow: Oh, uh… 
Crow: H-here's one! "A grinder in der—"
Joel: Ah, Crow! No!
Crow: Oh. Well, I'm not sayin' it — it's, it's Timmy who's sayin' it.
Joel: Well, listen, I think you better learn how to play with each other, all right?
Servo: Say, Joel… we got Commercial Sign!
Joel: And now, a word from our sponsor. Poom!
Crow: She's built like a brick shi—
Joel: Crow!
Crow: … show— boat. Showboat. 
Joel: Hey! Tom, what the hell? You didn't tell me that Tommy was in here!
Crow: Timmy!
Joel: He's not supposed to be in the theater, y'know!
Crow: Hey!
Joel: All right, knock it off, there's no rough-housing in here!
Servo: I'm choking! I'm choking! I'm choking! Choking! Ahhh! H-He-Help! {Servo's muffled sobs and cries of 'HMMMMMLPH!' are heard offscreen]
Crow: Joel, he's trying to kill Tom Servo!
Joel: You go out to the bridge, stay frosty! I've got a plan!  
Servo: Uh, say, Crow? Could you please kill me?
Crow: I'm a little busy now, Servo! 
Servo: Okay, don't kill me! Sure could go for a sammich, though!
Crow: Oh, shut up! Joel, Servo, Crow (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder! 
Phil: And you choose to make a life with Ken?
Cynthia: Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.
Joel: Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but… 
Rocky: Hup, 2, 3, 4!
Servo: We are in a crappy film… Joel, Crow: We are in a crappy film… 
Rocky: They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.
Cleolanta: They will tell me where to take my people?!
Rocky: No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise. Joel, Servo: For yooooou! 
Joel: Attack of the the Eye Creatures? What, did Mel Tillis write these titles? 
Air Force Officer: Now take off!
Joel: ...to the great White North! Harold's Girlfriend: Ooh, Harold!
Servo: Ooh, Maude!
Susan: What if we turned ourselves in to the police?
Servo: Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges! 
Crow: I've got a million of them! Literally! 
Joel: Now why doesn't that work with relatives? 
Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.
Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.
Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off!Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!
Dr. Forrester: They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank? TV's Frank: Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- your vision! -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you? "Larry Buchanan": (Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)
Narrator: Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.
Servo: Johnny's car rolled and burned.
Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.
Joel: Simulated culture like Disney World.
Narrator: "No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."
Servo: And you'll like it!
Crow: No! I don't wanna go!
Narrator: ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything.
Servo: Besides, the Mariners are playing, so who cares?
Narrator: Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, Joe Louis.
Crow: Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.
Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".
Joel: Oh, we've all been there. 
Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada. 
Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.
Crow: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in. 
Narrator: "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"
Servo: What?
Narrator: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Servo: Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes. 
Crow: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Narrator: Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.
Servo: Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady. 
Crow: Eht Numah Srotacilpud! 
Crow: ...Oh.
Gale: So say something!
Crow: "Something!"
Martin: "Something."
Crow: D'oh! ...Got riffback on that one. 
Joel: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
Servo: Neat!  CrowHi. I am new Asian Barbie. 
Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.  CrowDo I really look like that?
Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. 
Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! 
Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—
Joel: Oh, that's enough.
Crow: Oh, don't hit me. 
Welles: Welles here.
Crow: The boys did what? They duplicated Lumpy? 
Crow: There's somethin' plastic about that guy... 
Servo: I'm huge. 
Servo: Oh my God, you're huge. 
Joel: You got your circus on my ice!
Crow: Hey, you got your ice on my circus!
Servo: Two bad things that go worse together! 
Servo: Woah, seen him in my nightmares... 
Servo: These two girls, they make quite a pair. They both come from your worst night-mare. They will haunt your soul forever, And now, When you see pink, You're gonna think, "We're doomed". They are agents of Satan...
Joel: Okay, stop it, Tom... 
Servo: We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.
Crow: Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!
Narrator: And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!
Servo: Uh-huh...
Servo: Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice! 
Servo: Prelude to the afternoon of a murder. CrowI don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!
Servo: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!
Joel: Oh, and she skates over her own intestines. 
Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...
Crow: ...and kills them. 
Servo: Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home!
Joel: You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.
Crow: Oh, it might not be too bad...
Servo: No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.
Joel: Yeah...
Crow: C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!
Joel: No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.
Crow: Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.
Servo: It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.
Joel: Yeah, we might as well face up to it...
Crow: Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but... 
Joel: The Other Th? 
Crow: Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the...This is gonna suck. 
Servo: Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum. 
Joel: That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead. 
Dr. Brent: Why didn't you tell us then?
Dr. Logan: I don't know. I was trying to help.
Servo: I was just trying to help.
Dr. Brent: Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!
Dr. Logan: What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!
Crow: I'm only a scientist! 
Joel: Unbelieveable... 
Dr. Logan: Hello?Yes?
Crow: I made that phone noise.  CrowWhat? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!
Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...
Servo: "Oops".
Narrator: ..."radiation".
Servo: Oh.
Narrator: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...
Tom Servo: As if we cared.
Narrator: Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!
Joel: Oh, the joke's on us!
Crow: Boooooo! 
Joel: Hey, w-what's wrong?
Servo: Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local Christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!
Crow: Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!
Servo: Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!  
Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us. 
Crow: Heeere comes the Devil!
Servo: It's Beezlebub the Clown!
Joel: Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?
Narrator: There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals. 
Crow: And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all... 
Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child! 
Servo: Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.
Joel: Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?
Servo: Oops.
Crow: Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!
Joel: Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?
Servo: How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.
Joel: That's better.
Crow: It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown.No buttons.
Servo: Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra. 
Joel: Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.
Servo: That's good.
Joel: No, it really is.
Servo: Whatever, Joel. 
Joel: See? Emmett changed management soon after this. 
Crow: We love it when he eats! 
Joel: It's a living!
Crow: Mother, please come home!
Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways!
Joel: Oh, stop it!
Servo: She does! Look!
Joel: Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
Crow: This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area. 
Joel: Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!
Crow: Women who love too much and the feet that use them.
Servo: This one's on the rebound. 
Crow: The act was outlawed on several continents!
Servo: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!
Crow: Flipped her off.
Narrator: The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy!
Servo: ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.
Servo: Store this image away for a later nightmare. 
Joel: I invented that move.
Crow: Yeah, right. 
Servo: Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it clown-style! No! 
Crow: Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!
Joel: Oh, please tell me this isn't happening. 
Crow: More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!
Servo: Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus. 
Joel: Hank Kimball's brought in.
Crow: Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a... 
Servo: Hey, C. Everett Kook! 
Narrator: Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
Crow: Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
Servo: Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
Joel: This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
Servo: You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
Joel: Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!
Crow: Don't talk about our clown, Martha. 
Crow: KITTIES! 
Joel: I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?
Joel: Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!
Servo: Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...
Crow: Party in Susan's dressing room! 
Joel: Ah, my favorite part of the circus.  ServoIf everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia... CrowI vish they all could be Norvegian girls...  Louhi, the witch: Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.
Crow: Can we see the other parts?
Servo: Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious! 
Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you!
Servo: With these teeth, will you bite me! 
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul! 
Louhi: Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo?
Joel: Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order... 
Servo: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
Crow: Yah, it's really too bad.
Joel: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
Servo: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. 
Crow: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! 
Servo: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow: Sampo!
Servo: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow: Sampo! 
Joel: What is this, "Stalag 17: The Musical?" 
Crow: Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration. 
Servo: Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
Joel: Hmm? What in the world?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!
Crow: A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?! 
Crow: Tor! Close your mouth before you drown! 
Crow: Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts! 
Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain.
Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.  Joel, Servo, Crow: Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny! 
Crow: Previously on "Hired!" 
Joel: We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
Mr. Warren: Sales are the most important thing in this business.
Servo: Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all.
Mr. Warren: We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.
Joel: But first — martinis!
Mr. Warren: Jimmy, I want to talk with you first.
Crow: 'Cause you've got the most problems. 
Mr. Warren: I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls.
Jimmy: Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together.
Crow: Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that? 
Joel: Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter! 
Joel: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner?
Servo: So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right?
Joel: No, actually, it's more like a minute.
Servo: ...No. 
Servo: I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.
Michael: Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago.
Crow: Maybe it's Brigadoon.
Joel: You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph. 
Joel: Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow: Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?
Servo: Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop. 
Joel: Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids! 
Crow: What was I thinking?
Joel: Women who lunch.
Servo: And the Manos who love them — next Donahue.
Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.
Servo: ...and now, back to We Married Manos! 
Crow: Well, the talks broke down at this point.
Servo: Looks like the Russian Parliament.
Joel: Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!
Crow: Designing Women, the lost episodes.
Servo: And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!
Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!
Joel: You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.
Crow: It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.
Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden! 
Joel: DO SOMETHING!!! God!
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the Copacabana, Jules Bedel
proudly presents: Pat Benatar and Tricia Nixon! 
Servo: Smoke on the weirdo…
Crow: Come here.
Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen. 
Joel: Meanwhile, in Toledo...
Servo: No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?
Crow: This must be a weekly series. 
Crow: Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!
Joel: Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
Servo: Where to start?
Servo: If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas. 
Crow: The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!
Joel: No. Always wonder. 
Servo: COME ON! 
Servo: Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!
Joel: We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.  
Frank: Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm! 
Torgo: They always do that!
Nastasia: Do you want survival?
Joel: Sure, we all do! 
Crow: Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that!  Joel, Crow, Servo: Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon! 
Crow: She's got a Lady Hemingway! ^ 
Joel: John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john. 
Joel: Attack of the Mary Martins! ^ 
Joel: Aww, Herc, I was kidding. 
Joel: Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY (A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through)
Crow: There will be patches of scattered god today 
Crow: I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha! 
Servo: What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?
Joel: Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!
Nick: Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?
Joel: How many ways can I say "no"?!
Kay: Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.
Crow: Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
Nick: I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.
Joel: … with a loser like me.
Nick: Where's my racket?
Servo: I should spank myself. 
Joel: Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow.
Narrator: How does Jeff get ideas like that?
Servo: From the voices inside his head. 
Narrator: Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!
Joel: The lunch menu? 
Servo: Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.
Joel: Ice cream? I love this party!
Crow: Had this been an actual date, you would have been instructed where to go. 
Crow: Beverly Garland's bra! I have seen the Promised Land! 
Crow: Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He smokes, carries a gun , and...makes a lot of... phone calls... 
Crow: Howard Johnson is right! 
Joel: It's noon and he's still filibustering! 
Crow: They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi. 
Crow: They look like the Knights Who Say "Ni!" 
Crow: Taxi! ...Oh, I drove.
Servo: Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse. 
Crow: Honk if you love Eegah!
Tommy: Hi, Roxie!
Joel: Sorry about my face!! 
Crow: Ow!
Joel: Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
Servo: Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh  Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
Joel: I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from
coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.
Crow: I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?
Joel: Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot
subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
Crow: Well, I hate him, naturally.
Joel: Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?
Crow: Well, they had a couple of decent...Oh, my God, you're right!
Servo: I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.
Joel: Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
Crow: Or when they 86'd Jarts!
Servo: I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!
Crow: Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Joel: Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for " The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?
Servo: I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.
Crow: Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.
Joel: Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?
Servo: Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.
Crow: I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.
Servo: Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!
Crow: Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God? 
Joel: Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
Servo: He's wearing corrective everything! 
Tommy: Roxie! It's me, Tom!
Joel: That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!! 
Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.
Dr. Miller: Watch out for snakes!
Servo: Who said that?! 
Joel: Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.
Servo: Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes. 
Joel: I figured it out, he looks like the bat from FernGully. 
Roxie: Um... how do you do?
Crow: I'm really, really dead. 
Joel: Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle! 
Joel: Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.
Crow: That purse will be the death of him!  CrowRed roses for a blue ladyyyy...
Crow and Servo: EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!
Joel: I can't stop this feelin'...
:
Crow: It's Frederick's of Maplewood.
Joel: The Loretta Young Show! 
Crow: Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you!Why not stick around and watch Dream On? It's the breast show on TV!Kill me. 
Joel: Easter Bunny films presents...
Servo: "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.
Crow: Wonder if they sold this film door to door?
Narrator: Most of us think that these people were really free...
Joel: But they were just stupid! 
Crow: Aah! It's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!
Servo: Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?
Crow: Stupid trees! God, I hate them.
Joel: Early tractor pulls, not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.
Crow: Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.
Servo: The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks! Joel, Crow, Servo: Go, Speed Farmer! Go, Speed Farmer! Go, Speed Farmer, go!
Servo: There's something you don't see every day.
Joel: What's that?
Servo: A farmer with all his limbs! 
Servo: Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin. 
Narrator: A complicated system of irrigation is used.
Joel: Oh, real complicated.
Narrator: Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.
Crow: They make it sound so nice! 
Joel: A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.
Narrator: The carrots are washed first.
Crow: They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!
Narrator: Some carrots are frozen.
Crow: Some carrots are humiliated publicly.
Narrator: Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...
Crow: Texans. 
Narrator: The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.
Crow: Later, this device is used to beat back the workers. 
Joel: Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet? 
Servo: Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents... 
Crow: The John Bradshaw story! 
Servo: They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now... 
Jimmy: Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...
Joel: ...but I'm Esther Rolle!
Jimmy: But... I accuse my parents! 
Servo: Yes! We have a title!
Kitty: Are you happy...
Crow: Define "happy!"
Kitty: ...In your work...
Joel: Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday... 
Kitty: You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.
Servo: Eighteen, after taxes! 
Servo: If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!
Crow: I accuse her hair! 
Joel: He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
Crow: He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
Tom Servo: His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch! 
Joel: All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple. 
Mr. Thayer: Everything will go on, as if nothing happened.
Joel: Nothing has happened... 
Servo: The Girl in Lover's Lane...
Crow: With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLanne! 
Danny: I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
Bix: That's a good idea.
Servo: You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you. 
Joel: We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat?
Crow: Shut up, Danny.
Joel: Oh. 
Crow T. Robot: The 5: 15 from Duluth, Oh my! It just derailed! The toxic waste is spillin', The conductor's been impaled. A benzene cloud has risen And the whole town's startin' to cough. Joel, Servo:
Crow: Within a matter of day-eeez, All of our skin will fall off. 
Crow: To live like the E-lam... 
Joel: Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?
Servo: Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops. 
Narrator: Ah, spring!
Crow: Filthy, shameful spring!
Joel: You know, people were whiter back then.
Narrator: When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...
Crow: Underpants.
Narrator: ...Love.
Crow: Oh. 
Narrator: Look at that hair!
Crow: I like her hair!
Narrator: And that blouse!
Crow: I'm looking, I'm looking! 
Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
Joel: You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you! 
Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
Servo: Those... n-nose.
Crow: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it! 
Crow: Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else! 
Narrator: Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—
Servo: Is immoral.
Narrator: —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
Crow: Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.
Narrator: Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.
Crow: Skin sucks.
Narrator: One of these is cleansing cream.
Servo: One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely. 
Narrator: And so... the end of a perfect day.
Joel: An entire day spent grooming.
Narrator: And you...
Joel: Jezebel!
Narrator: ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too willthat quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
Crow: And remember—when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight. 
Joel: KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE
Crow: You're next! 
Servo: Oh, let's not forget these guys! 
Joel: Yeah, I'm afraid we're gonna be true bored men after this...
Crow: Now, is this the real Old West, or the Roy Rogers Old West where they had electricity and cars?
Jonathan: Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked!
Crow: But enough vernacular...
Taylor: Never mind the dog, Tommy...
Servo: Here's the Sex Pistols. 
Tom: How did that corral get there?
Crow: They used CorelDraw. 
Crow: Mount Rushmore!...Before it was built. 
Joel: Well, looks like the montage finally blew over. 
Crow: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.
Crow: SNAUSAGES!
Dr. Forrester:  Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-Dotty period. TV's Frank: Beverly Garland.
Dr. Forrester: And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. 
Joel: Ah, cue the horses!
Crow: Corman...
Servo: Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us? 
Joel: You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.
Servo: Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.
Joel: Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it. 
Crow: Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
Cain: Crazy coming up in here...
Joel: ...in my hallway here.
Cain: Only the good die young.
Servo: Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns. 
Joel: Draw, er... wait a sec! 
Crow: Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
Tom: Doo-doo, do-do-do!...the hell? 
Cain: You got brown eyes... ServoAn' you got a neck.
Tom: Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers! 
Dr. Forrester: Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker
Mike Nelson: You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?
Dr. Forrester: Well, here it comes, Joel — Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcycle… marooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole! 
Servo: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine? Joel, Crow: Mitchell!
Servo: That Mitchell is one fat s— Joel, Crow: Shut yo' mouth!
Servo: I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell! 
Servo: Ee-gah...
Crow: Shtemlo.
Joel: Watch out for snakes!
Servo: We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...
Crow: Mitchell, will you stand up, please? 
Benton: No salesmen at this entrance.
Servo: But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line! 
Crow: Daryl Gates on his day off.
Crow: He's landed just short of the green.
Servo: Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here! 
Kid: Hi.
Mitchell: Hi.
Kid: Are you the man from the insurance?
Mitchell: Nope.
Kid: He came last night.
Mitchell: Yeah?
Kid: My mother doesn't like you.
Mitchell: I don't like your mother.
Kid: Why not?
Mitchell: Why not?
Kid: No, why not?
Mitchell: No, why not?
Kid: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Servo: Tonight on Crossfire.
Mitchell: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Kid: I'm not.
Mitchell: Well, I'm not.
Kid: You are.
Mitchell: Buzz off.
Kid: What?
Mitchell: What?
Kid: What did you say?
Mitchell: What you say?
Kid: Did you say something?
Servo: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mitchell: You say something?
Kid: You said buzz off.
Mitchell: You're lying through your teeth.
Kid: You're lying through your teeth.
Mitchell: Buzz off, huh?
Kid: Buzz off!
Mitchell: Buzz off, kid!! 
Joel: Baby oil! Joel, Crow, Servo: BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!
Servo:
Crow: Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel? 
Axton: My my my my Mitchell...
Crow: My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!
Deaney: How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?
Crow: Uh, by the quart. 
Hoyt Axton: My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
Crow: She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!" 
Servo: Why did I do that? 
Joel: Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos! 
Dr. Forrester:  Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?
Frank: Oh, not much... inventory's under control...
Dr. Forrester: Yeah?
Frank: Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Dr. Forrester: Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand-- WHAT?? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love? 
Frank: Well, I'd better get started on that floor...
Dr. Forrester: Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!
Frank: Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Dr. Forrester: Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
Frank: Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.
Dr. Forrester: Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space? 
Mike: Can you guys sign my time card? 
Dr. Forrester: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?
Frank: Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?
Mike: C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!
Dr. Forrester: Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank! 
Dr. Forrester: Say, Mike... what size jumpsuit do you wear?
Mike: Ehh...  Bill's Father: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
Servo: 'Cuz he got me as his doctor. 
Michael Nelson: Luke, join me or star in Corvette Summer! 
Bill: You have the keys to your car? 
Crow: The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.
Servo: The Long, Long Trailer! 
Mike: Hey, that was my prom theme!
Servo: Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve? 
Crow: Aughhh! The road is attacking me!  ServoD-Don't forget my purse! Honey? ServoYou just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy? 
Mike: Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
Crow: He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy. 
Crow: Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much! 
Mike: Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out. CrowSaaay, this could actually be an upgrade
Servo: Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy. 
Mike: If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
Servo: Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe. 
Crow: Doesn't she need lungs?
Servo: No, she's got neck juice! 
Crow: Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person! 
Jan: Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
Servo: Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!  ServoIt's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads. 
Mike: Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
Servo: I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!! 
Mike: Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on...
Servo: K-PORN! 
Servo: That's one nasty McNugget! Ew! 
Servo: Is this love, or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas? 
Servo: So... Where's Waldo?
Mike: He's under the bed. 
Crow: Geez! How many times was she held back?
Servo: Heh heh heh.
Liz: Hi, Peg! 
Mike: Hi, Mom.
Peg: I think I'll send a telegram instead.
Liz: Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
Mike: Well, I've known her for fifty years…
Liz: Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.
Peg: Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
Mike: He's anatomically correct, and everything!
Peg: It's the real thing.
Liz: I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
Servo: ...at the turn of the century. 
Narrator: How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?
Servo: Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?
Narrator: How can you tell? Is this love?
Crow: You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now. 
Mike: And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.
Crow: No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie. 
Servo: "How Much Affection?"
Crow: "When Should I Marry?" 
Mike: "Know Your Ointments"
Servo: "What's That Down There?"
Crow: "When He Wants It Rough"
Mike: "Procreation, Not Recreation"
Servo: "Oh No, Pleasure!"
Crow: "McClintock!" 
Crow: Splendor in the Grass 2: Dream Warrior! 
Servo: Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.
Crow: A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating! 
Servo: The Jack Benny Program! 
Mike: Ebenezer Scrooge... 
Crow: For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA. 
Servo: Oh, the foley guy must be calling!
Johnny: Why don't they call?
Crow: Because they don't like you.
Crow: Mother Teresa called. She hates you.
Mary: The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?
Crow: Aw, let's just cheat!
John: x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x...
Servo: Nobody home, huh?
John: Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...
Mike: John, this is geography!
Narrator: And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.
Crow: Split it open now!
Narrator: You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.
Servo: On a doily.
Narrator: So you decided to take a chance.  ServoPssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer? 
Mike: Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews. 
Servo: This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.
Narrator: Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?
Crow: Or was it lust?
Narrator: Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you. 
Servo: Oh, hi Miss Grandy— EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!
Narrator: And most of all, your new job as student council representative. 
Crow: I envision a cheating wing! 
Servo: I smell a big Commie rat.
Miss Grandy: John, bring it up here, please. 
Crow: PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK! 
Servo: Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!
Crow: And so Dana Plato's career begins.  Mike, Crow, Servo: Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!
Narrator: But did John truly intend to be dishonest?
Servo: Or was he just pure evil?  Crow 
Mike: The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope! 
Mike: Hey, I have my 40-year TV medallion.
Servo: What do you do when you're branded?
Crow: You watch TV. 
Servo: I'm as mad as hell!... 
Mike: Holy cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!
Crow: They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button! 
Mike: Oh, Donald. 
Crow: Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!
Servo: So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh? 
Mike: Whahappa?
Servo: Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!  Mike, Crow, Servo: Tequila.
Crow: Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies. 
Man: Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.
Mike: Simpson, eh? 
Crow: Wha— that's The Mole People! These movies have crashed!
Mike: You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!
Servo: You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!
Crow: You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the Monkees look good! 
Mike: Maybe they'll all turn into butter.
Crow: So, Mike. This is Hell.
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Servo: Me too.
Mike: No.Will you kill me? 
Crow: Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here! "
Servo: Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman. 
Servo: ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!! 
Mike: What a wild wild world!
Crow: Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you! 
Crow: Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or Sir to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son?
Mike: Sir, yes sir.
Crow: I didn't hear you, ladybritches!
Mike: I said sir, yes sir!
Servo: Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch Sisters!
Crow: You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh?
Servo: Ooh, ooh, I'm scared...
Mike: Hey Crow, c'mon...
Crow: I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath!
Mike: Uh, This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine.
Crow: And what is the name of your robot, boy?
Servo: Servo! Tom Servo!
Crow: I don't believe I was addressing you, Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and give me twenty, Corporal?
Servo: Uh, 'cause I can't?
Crow: Well, now, you just bought yourself two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!
Mike: Uh, we'll be right back.
Crow: I heard that, Pyle! You piece of filth!
Servo: Well, several pieces, actually... 
Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!
Servo: It's your helium addiction.
Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!
Mike: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. 
Mike: That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger! 
Crow: Hey it's the Blue Mosque!
Servo: No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill.
Crow: Have you been to Istanbul?
Servo: THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL! 
Mike: Ah! Swimsuit issue!
Crow: This whole room smells like my eyes! 
Wanda: Dad?
Mike: Look, your dad's not responsible for everything that happens in the world!
Crow: This door sounds brown! 
Crow: Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!! 
Charmin: Wait a minute...is that really your voice?
Servo: Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could! 
Crow: One weekend a month my ass! 
Crow: They got Jiminy! Get em!
Mike: We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people! 
Crow: I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God! 
Crow: Pete! Pete! Short, controlled bursts! 
Servo: When Brian Eno ruled Chicago. 
Mike: Guys, this is so not Illinois. 
Tom Servo: They flattened him!  Mike, Servo and Crow: Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! 
Mike: Pete, Linc, Julie, and... Steve?
Servo: Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit! 
Angry City Councilman: We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!
Servo: Kill 'em all! 
Servo: It's Prince's new name, isn't it?
Crow: No, it's Frank Gorshin's new name! '
Mike: Hey, wait a minute!
Crow: She's nude!
Servo: Lady... 
Crow: She's SORT-OF ALIVE! 
Servo: And she floats gently to her death! 
Crow: Mein Fuehrer! I can walk! 
Servo: So, Mike, where's the atomic brain?
Mike: I don't know...
:
Crow: With Jane Russell? Oh please oh please oh please oh please...
Mike: No, don't get your hopes up. 
Crow: I hate this movie already. 
Crow: It's Commissioner Gordon calling!
Watney: You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot?
Mike: You just put your lips together and drink! 
Mike: Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield? 
Crow: Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!
Watney: Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot?
Crow: Ssh! I'm acting!
Cabot: I must go to Koruba!
Watney: What?
Cabot: Koruba. 
Watney: The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot. Mike, Crow & Servo: Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...
Watney: Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?
Mike: Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!
Crow: They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman.
Guard: Who are you?
Cabot: My name is Cabot.
Guard: Cabot?  Peasant #1: Cabot! Peasant #2: Cabot! Peasant #3: Cabot! Peasant #4: Cabot! Peasant #5: Cabot!
Mike: Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry. 
Cabot: Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression!
Mike: Uh, starting tomorrow. 
Servo: Check it out, it's one of them Jack Nicklaus golf communities!
Mike: ...Are you old? How do you know about that? 
Queen Lara: What are you talking about? MikeI really don't know. 
Cabot: She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
Crow: Nekkid. 
Crow: Let's see, uh..."Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."
Mike: Okay..."Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"
Servo: "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."
Crow: "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."
Mike: "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."
Servo: "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—"  "I think I killed a man today. More later?"  
Servo: Ah, well.
Crow: Have you seen the outtakes for this film?
Mike: No, did they show 'em on Bloopers and Practical Jokes?
Servo: No, uh, Faces of Death, actually.Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?
Mike: No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.
Servo: Oh! The USA—  I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network.
Mike: Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, Malibu Death Breast.
Crow: Yeah, that or—"Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in Murder Most Moist."
Servo: Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one." Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in Peekaboo Lace, P.I."
Crow: That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout"Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in Dark Underpants"?
Mike: How about this one?"Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in Tongue Lashing!"
Crow: I like it!
Servo: Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in French Pistol. CATCH IT!"  This is fun! Yeah.
Mike: Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in Death Spank!"
Servo: Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!
Crow: I've got a good one. How about "Chris Lemmon and Heather Locklear form a crime fighting unit in The Lingerie Justice Files"?
Servo: Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and Morgan Fairchild are The Crotchless Killers."
Crow: I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got— Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between Richard Chamberlain and Ben Vereen in Tap Pant Desire"?
Servo: Nice use of Ben Vereen.
Mike: I like the way you think. Try this one on. "William Devane tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders!"
Servo: Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "Lisa Hartman is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in Cheek Beats."
Crow: You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but— Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in The Waco Panty Raid."
Mike: Um, uh, "Eric Roberts is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in Naked Came The Nude!"
Servo: "Peter Deluise and Tommy Tune are Cod Police."
Mike: That was good. 
Servo: Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings! 
Crow: Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders! 
Servo: Rrrrr.
Patrolman: If you haven't seen the signs...
Mike: Boy, you haven't lived.
Patrolman: ...then this train might come as a surprise to you.
Servo: The Sooooooooooooul Train!
Crow: Thank you very much, Clarissa...
Crow: I'd tuck you in, but you're dead.
Patrolman: Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive.
Crow: Even though you don't deserve it.
Patrolman: They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.
Servo: They're communists!
Patrolman: Whenever there's a haphazard on the road, there's usually a sign that tells you about it. Like a 'curve warning'. Or a 'right of way' sign. 'Narrow bridge'. 'Signals ahead'. 'Do not enter'. 'No passing', and many others.
Crow: 'All nude girls!'
Servo: 'Whites only'. 
Patrolman: Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
Mike: Women drivers!
Patrolman: ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. 
Crow: The paid assassin cruising through town!
Patrolman: And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say--
Servo: AAAAAH! 
Servo: That's what they say. 
Frank: I give up, officer! What's the charge?
Crow: Ha, ha! MANSLAUGHTER.
Crow: I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines!
Engineer: Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?
Tom: You're deep, Ernie.
Patrolman: So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...
Mike: Save a place for me at your dinner table!
Patrolman: ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...
Tom: ...uh-oh...
Patrolman: ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!
Crow: OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!
Patrolman: Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...
Tom: He's a bad cop on the loose!
Patrolman: ...and they end up a little bit DEAD!
Mike: Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch! 
Crow: Gary Burghoff goes undercover!
Mike: That would explain his career for the last 10 years. 
Magic Voice: We'll be right back... I think. Noel! 
Gypsy: Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Mike: Oh, the big one! Okay.Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks!Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Gypsy: Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.  ServoHo, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...  Mike, Crow, Servo: I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow... 
Servo: We are forced to sing...
Crow: Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
Narrator: Boys and girls from England.
Crow: ...have rotten teeth.
Servo: Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
Narrator: Japan also helps Santa.
Mike: By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
Narrator: Talented children from the Orient.
Crow: ...are not here today.
Mike: Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard. ServoGet it on in the morning now!
Narrator: Even Russia has a delegation.
Crow: Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
Mike: Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
Narrator: The group from France.
Servo: ...stinks to high heaven! 
Crow: Klink, you are a terrible singer!
Mike: You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
Crow: How would you like to sing at the Russian front? Mike
Crow: Shut up!
Mike: I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?
Narrator: Here's a happy song from Italy.
Servo:
Crow: So is this neorealism?
Servo: Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.
Mike: Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.
Narrator: The islands of the Caribbean.
Mike: ...have nothing to do with this movie.
Servo: Legalize it, mon!
Mike: Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...
Servo: Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!
Narrator: The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.
Mike: And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.
Crow: Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!
Narrator: The countries of Central America.
Mike: ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.
Servo: Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.
Crow: Hooray!
Mike: Yay! USA! Woo!
Narrator: The children of the USA.
Crow: ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.
Narrator: A neighborly group of children from Mexico.
Crow: ...are over-accessorized. .
Narrator: Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
Crow: Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
Narrator: That's right, Lupita, put it back. .
Crow: Way to defeat Satan, honey.
Pitch: Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
Mike: Oh, don't ever do that again. 
Mike: Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization. 
Second boy: Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
Servo: They're on to me! Into the escape pod! 
Crow: This is a fascist Santa!
Mike: Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Tom: Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time. 
Mike: Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!  Mike 
Mike: Pick your refrigerator, Lupita! 
Crow: Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...
Crow: I've written a letter to Daddy... 
Mike: I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time! 
Crow: Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My chain letter scam worked!
Pedro: What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?
Santa Claus: Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
Servo: And they eat at Hardee's! 
Servo: This isn't charming at all! It's creepy! 
Crow: Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.  Servo, Mike, and Crow: He, he haha, hahaha,  AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!! 
Mike: What's happening?! 
Servo: A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.  ServoBone in my hair... I'm from Detroit!
Narrator: I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?
Servo: Circle Pines?  Mike...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho! 
Mike: This is Jim Rockford, leave a message and I'll get back to ya.
Crow: Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!
Servo: 
Crow: "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!
Mike: It could be based on Profiles in Courage!
Servo: Oh, by Theodore Sorensen? 
Servo: He blew his hand off!
Crow: I blinded me with science! 
Crow: You know, I'm starting to suspect this might be padding.
Servo: Oh, no, no...
Mike: No, that's real. 
Mike: I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see Willow.
Crow: Hey, I liked Willow! 
Mike: Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with Willow.
Crow: I liked Willow!
Mike: Kevin Pollak? You liked that? 
Crow: Spiders don't growl, even that big.
Mike: I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl.
Crow: I liked Willow.
Mike: Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from Bert I.
Servo: That's why he made Willow.
Crow: Hey, I liked Willow! 
Crow: Oh, come on! The effects in Willow were better than this!
Mike: Hey, you liked Willow!
Crow: I— huh? 
Crow: Oh, this is by Noel Coward. 
Woman: I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright...
Mike: Aw, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams. 
Servo: And Tommy Tune arrives!
Mystery Man: Let me persuade you to come to the place where tomorrow meets today...
Crow: A subpoena? For me? 
Mike: Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception!
Crow: I had a near-death experience like this.
Woman: I want a Corvette! MikeI don't give a tin sh...!
Mystery Man: I thought you would!
Crow: That's why I entered your head!
Woman: I want a Pontiac, too!
Mike: Man, she's a high-maintanence date!
Mystery Man: This Buick's a beaut!
Woman: I'll try it!
Crow: She's going to roll it! 
Servo: Security to the showroom floor, please.
Crow: I hope this is a rebuttal to Roger And Me. 
Mystery Man: Better get her into the kitchen quick!
Mike: Tater tots are burning!
Crow: Any more girls in there? (laughs like Beavis and Butthead) 
Crow: Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical. 
Crow: Aaah! It's a salute to Mr. B Natural!
Servo: Oh, no, no, no! 
Mike: This would be the "up" part of her manic mood swings, I'm guessing.
Crow: Oh-ho-ho...
Servo: Man, it is gonna take her forever to write this dream down. 
Mike: I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!
Crow: Well, sometimes a sun hat is just a sun hat. 
Woman: My cake is ready.
Mike: Uh-uh. I call no way!
Servo: Uh-uh. Candles and everything...
Crow: Happy Birthday, Wanda June. 
Narrator: And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
Crow: Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!
Woman: Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.  Servo, Crow: Give us Cyd Charisse!
Crow: While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
Servo: Cindy Williams is Twyla Tharp as Isadora Duncan in
The Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!
Mike: Co-starring Tom Bosley.
Crow: As Bosley. 
Servo: With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...
Crow: Bonnie and Clyde's death car!
Servo: With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...
Crow: Fonzie's death car.
Mike: Ay.
Mike: Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.
Crow: Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.
Servo: The "Closed Three Plants" car.
Mike: Executive producer, Jack Philbin.
Crow: The Schick electric razor car!
Narrator: Costume by Emilio of Capri!
Mike: Unfettered avarice by Madison Avenue!
Servo: ...in The Honeymooners! 
Crow: GRRR! RRRRrrrR!
Mike: Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood. 
Servo: Oh, this is what happens when you go to a car show with Michael Crosley. 
Crow: The "Extention Of My Manhood" car!
Mike: Your deal with the devil is now complete.
Servo: Do you have it in red?
Mike: That's a six week delivery, ma'am. 
Mike: Look, dead raccoon of tomorrow. 
Woman: Tomorrow...
Servo: With my sword and magic helmet...
Mike: That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.
Crow: Automatic freeway. You build it.
Mike: Someone invent rock and roll, please!
Servo: Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.
Crow: Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control. 
Mike: Look out! The bridge to the future's out!  
Servo: Lady!
Crow: Hey, lady!
Mike: Hey, down here, lady!
Servo: Love this lady.
Mike: She's in everything. 
Mike: Doughnuts?
Servo: No, no, no.
Crow: Oh, you're goin' to the moon, all right! 
Mike: Wow, I think I'm in this! 
Secretary General: At this moment...
Crow: I may die!
Secretary General: ... over two billion people...
Servo: ... have been served.
Secretary General: … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.
Mike: ... and my rump.
Secretary General: Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...
Servo: ... dolphin-safe!
Secretary General: ... international territory.
Crow: ... and House of Pancakes.
Secretary General: God be with you.
Servo: And also with you. 
Dr. Hamid: Allah be praised!
Dr. Orlov: Praise the ship, not Allah.
Servo: I'll praise whoever I want, white boy. 
Mike: Hit him! He'll cry!
Mike: He's like a youthful Jabba the Hutt.  
Servo: Uh... call me? 
Fred: Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip?
Crow: Down here! I got a crick in my neck!
Fred: Chip, come on! Say something, Chip!
Crow: "Wuh-aughhh!" 
Mike: Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well! 
Mother Veronica: Wait for me, sister.
Crow: If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it! 
Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
Servo: Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"! 
Mr. Gardner: I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
Silver: Oh, no?
Crow: Do these explain anything? 
Crow: Let's see, where should I be looking right now...?
Silver: Any.. studs around here?
Serafina: Any what?
Silver: Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags!
Serafina: Only the gardeners.
Crow: And Father Fabio! 
Jimmy: I'm just a lonely boy…
Mike: Why does that not surprise me? 
Servo: The music that rocked America… gently to sleep. 
Mike: The Velvet Hog! ^ 
Servo: Girls Town, please hold. Servo Our father, who art in heaven…
Servo: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. ^ 
Silver: Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer!
Crow: Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?! 
Silver Morgan: Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
Mike: Especially since he's thirty-eight!
Servo: The Woody Allen story!
Mike: Hey, I like my family, as a friend! 
Crow: All of who are orphans. 
Narrator: What's the matter?
Servo: THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!
Crow: We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee...
Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime.
Mike: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them.
Mike: Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant. 
Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
Mike: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.
Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner.
Servo: With strychnine!
Crow: Salad needs more butter, Mother!
Narrator: ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves.
Crow: But not these people.
Crow: What you are watching should have been edited in the final version. My apologies.
Narrator: They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him.
Crow: They're not, of course... 
Mike: Father, I had a feeling today.
Servo: Well don't, son.
Mike: Hi, I'm Betty, and I'l be your wife tonight. 
Narrator: Brother seats Junior...
Crow: Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
Narrator: ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
Mike: The less said about this, the better.
Crow: Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog...
Servo: Dad, I'm dating a Negro!
Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime.
Crow: Please, God, take me now... 
Servo: Field Marshall Montgomery sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day... 
Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
Mike: No, I— I'll just have Saltines.
Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
Crow: Emotions are for ethnic people.
Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
Servo: I can't stress "unemotional" enough.
Narrator: Father serves Mother first, then Daughter.
Mike: Let's go to the flowchart for this.
Crow: And be sure to make a plate for the narrator.
Servo: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant.
Servo: Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left.
Narrator: No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
Mike: THIS MEANS YOU!
Narrator: Always wait for the hostess...
Servo: to seat you.
Narrator: ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.
Mike: Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!
Crow: I'm moving to Fire Island, dear.
Narrator: Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is.
Mike: ...even as you gag on it. 
Servo: It stinks!
Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly.
Mike: …than having a personality.
Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your standliving. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy.
Crow: …and they already dislike you enough. 
Mike: Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then.
Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?
Mike: Do you? DO YOU?
Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
Mike: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
Servo: ...and control and repression. 
Crow: You know, this makes me want to heat up a Libbyland frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV!
Servo: Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby!
Mike: Bye-bye, everyone.
Crow: A Simmel-Mervay release. 
Mike: Starring these people and Chuck Norris. 
Crow: What, me direct?
Pilot: Control tower, request landing instructions. Tom ServoWell, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?!
Carla: We set a record today.
Vince: You set a record with me a long time ago.
Mike: God, I'm smooth. 
Sylvester: Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts.Finished with your drink?
Carla: Yes, but I—
Vince: I'll take care of her.
Sylvester: Is that the way you want it? ServoVince and I are gonna make our own tank parts. 
Mike: Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo! 
Narrator: You, the ice cream manufacturer.
Crow: Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
Narrator: You...
Mike: Me?
Narrator: ...the frozen food distributor.
Servo: Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.
Narrator: And you, the food retailer.
Crow: These three people will square off against—
Narrator: Yes, today's problem is merchandising...
Mike: Over three kinds of vanilla!
Narrator: ...to sell in high volume, for high profit.
Crow: For high people. 
Narrator: Frozen products are impulse items...
Servo: I'll take it, I'll take it!
Narrator: And impulse buying is primarily...
Mike: Women's fault. 
Narrator: ...an emotional decision.
Crow: The market crashed! 
Narrator: Manufacturers spend millions on package design.
Servo: Yet, this is the result. 
Narrator: Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard. 
Servo: Are we in heaven?
Crow: Rip-off!
Mike: It's a little big; I just want a hotplate!
Narrator: And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard?
Servo: Bosoms!
Narrator: Sales appeal styling.
Crow: Or "S. A. S." 
Narrator: One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling.
Servo: Just one glance, don't look back. 
Mike: This is frozen cotton?
Narrator: And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range.
Servo: GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME!
Narrator: They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity.
Crow: But don't put your tongue on it! 
Crow: Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee.
Narrator: Gentlemen! If you please!
Mike: You filthy degenerates! 
Narrator: Yes, on every count...
Mike: Guilty!
Servo: Next step, open a grocery store.
Mike: This freezer rules! 
Narrator: This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
Mike: ...makes no sense.
Crow: (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
Mike: (singing) And it comes out here...
Servo: WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!
Crow: But I need a stove.
Narrator: In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity...
Mike: Bodies stack easy. 
Servo: And remember to buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser ice cream.
All: Hi-yo!
Mike: Leni Riefenstahl's most powerful film.
Servo: Hi-yo!
Crow: Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp. 
Mike: And Creepy Triple-A is there. 
Servo: Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart! 
Servo: Is someone purring?  
Woman: I can't hear it clearly—
Servo: That's because it's A RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!! 
Crow: And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was split! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim... 
Crow: Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead! [The opening credits identify the heavy metal bands who contributed music
to the soundtrack: Motorhead...]
Servo: Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of Cole Porter tunes! 
Crow: Uh, that's Womanschool? 
Servo: Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth. 
Mike: Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party! 
Servo: And I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger! 
Servo: Don't worry, his area will protect him! 
Servo: ...Or not. 
Mike: I think we hit a moose! CrowC'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!! 
Crow: There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road! Dead boy! 
Bobby: Hey, what's the matter?
Mike: This Kansas song just makes me so sad!
Jim: What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream! 
Crow: Must... register... for... semester! 
Servo: Damn radiator!
Crow: Soundtrack by John Cage. 
Servo: The dead Zone is for loading and unloading only... 
Servo: What's this? 
Crow: Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was Tim Burton.
Det. Sorrell: The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it!
Capt. Churchman: Maybe James Earl has a great batting average.
Servo: But it's the R.B.Is that count, isn't it? 
Crow: Y'know, ironically, they were only able to bust the zombie for tax evasion! 
Servo: Hal Needham was brought in to direct this scene. 
Servo: And that's it. 
Servo: I leave you alone for one hour—!
Ariel: What is your name?
Maciste: Maciste, and yours?
Crow: Cheesesteak? 
Crow: Hmm... the camera operator is indulging himself here... 
Crow: Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
Maciste: Land! Land!
Servo: It would be really great if we found some land!
Mike: It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry. 
Crow: Luckily, this was before death had been invented.  CrowHey, look, my island blew up! 
Servo: Oh no! It's a horrible drop into... 
Servo: Oh. Heh. 
Servo: Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
Mike: And thus, synchronized swimming was invented! 
Kermes: The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance.
Mike: Pssh! He's talking about fragile shoulders.
Kermes: Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty...
Servo: And pants!
Kermes: And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess.
Crow: Well, at least you're not pompous.
Kermes: That is why you and I will rule together with me as your...
Servo: Dun-dun-dun!
Kermes: ...advisor.
Crow: Huh?! 
Mike: Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it!
Crow: Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot? 
Mike: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it? 
Servo: Now this will anger the gods! 
Mike: So... the director has a girlfriend.
Crow: Apparently!
Crow: This is history's first awkward moment.
Mike: For the first time, people don't know where to look.
Crow: I think it's pretty good! 
Mike: Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner!  MikeI caught you, you bitch! 
Mike: Wow, those sharp things really work!
Servo: And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally does something! 
Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles.
Servo: This county has missiles, sir? 
Mike: Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in...
Crow: I can't believe I ate the whole thing! 
Crow: When Tom Wolfe's wife does the laundry! 
Servo: Let the current take you away! SWIIIIM!
Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
Mike: …to a sold-out crowd!
Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
Servo: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. 
Mike: Hey, there's bullets in the other end of that thing! 
Crow: I thought I smelled something!
Mike: Is Velveeta a member of the National Dairy Council?
Servo: Naw, Velveeta's a splinter group.
Crow: Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an edgy man who should not be riled.
Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day…
Servo: Day after life-sucking day. 
Crow: I just saw a finger!
Mike: Can we go home? 
Servo: But I have to be careful with my new jeans 'cause I just got them at Pamida! 
Crow: Uncle Jim's out of control - we frag him today. 
Servo: Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party—
Crow: I did it! Gypsy, Servo, Mike: CROW!  MikeMammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles!
Crow: I don't like the villain! 
Mike: Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", then this would be ironic. 
Crow: Hey, I didn't finish! 
Narrator: This is the fairground, where the fair is held.
Servo: Any questions so far? 
Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised. Servo
Narrator: Johnny goes first to see the fish.
Crow: I like fish...
Narrator: Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home.
Mike: Well, see, they were in the creek, but they've been caught and that's why they're here. 
Crow: Later, these moths turn up in the mouths of Bob's victims! 
Servo: Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races! 
Narrator: What's this?
Crow: EVIL! 
Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun.
Servo: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! 
Narrator: First, she feels the cake...
Crow: ...then she rubs it into her hair... 
Mike: Let's go eat something gray. 
Servo: Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! Waaait...
Narrator: Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!
Crow: What, tinsel, little lights?
Servo: This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy.
Narrator: Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this.
Mike: Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it? 
Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
Servo: Where's the corn go?
Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
Mike: ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. ^ 
Crow: Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
Servo: Carrots? I love carrots!
Mike: A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
Crow: Aiieee...
Servo: Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
Narrator: They're into the curb.
Servo: And they're into jazz.
Crow: Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya! 
Mike: Uh, hey guys, wait up!
Narrator: The race is over.
Crow: And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage. MikeElvira... 
Servo: Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large! 
Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
Crow: The cows are furious! 
Narrator: Too soon, the rides are over.
Crow: The lawsuts begin.
Narrator: And too soon, all the fun comes to an end.
Crow: You spent your nickel, we're done. 
Crow: Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to—  Mike, Servo, & Crow: AAAAAAAAH!
Servo: This is so almost Mitchell.
Crow: It's about fifty pounds short of Mitchell. 
Crow: Because you're bad at math?
Mike: No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film. 
Servo: Thank you, Centron! 
Crow: Depressed yet?
Joe: You know, it's fun to have an idea.
Mike: There, wasn't that fun? 
Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw. Mike...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust... ServoI put them in my underwear!
Joe: ...the bright glare of a welder... CrowI like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
Servo: Yes!
Joe: ...the sharp whine of the power tools…
Mike: ...the piercing scream of a freshman…
Joe: ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather. CrowTap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
Servo: The feeling of chaps with no pants!
Joe: ...A wrench...
Mike: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
Joe: ...A plane... CrowThese tools are my friends!
Joe: ...or a chisel...
Servo: What about girls young man? Girls?
Mike: No, no, chisels!
Joe: And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman.
Mike: And not a killer!
Joe: Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that.
Crow: Then they pants you and drag you around the track…  Joe's buddy: Wow, you made this?
Mike: I'm making it for the Grand Wizard. Joe's buddy: Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
Joe: It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it. Joe's buddy: Kinda slow, huh?
Joe: Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
Crow: Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap. Joe's buddy: How'd ya like this shop class, Joe?
Joe: I like it swell. Why? 
Servo: Could you staple my ears back? 
Mr. Barnes: carpenters. ServoWe'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others. 
Mr. Barnes: foundry men.
Mike: Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from...
Mr. Barnes: Tool operators. Crow, Servo: Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . . 
Crow: This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch the other film! 
Servo: Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list.
Suzy: Is Frankie here?
Beth: Frankie's not here.
Mike: Frankie goes to Hollywood.
Beth: Would you like some coffee?
Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow: What is this "coffee"?
Joe Moss: I like coffee!
Beth: Well, good!
Mike: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character. 
Servo: Where is it, your "coffee"? 
Crow: Terror at Sea-level.
Servo: More terrifying than Airport '77! 
Harry: What happened?
Mike: I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked! straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]
Mike: Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
Harry: Bob, you ready?
Bob: Sure, Harry! 
Servo: Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—!
Mike:
Crow: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film. 
Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head?
Mike: Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes. 
Crow: Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for you... 
Mike: Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
Servo: I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
Suzy: Will I see you tomorrow?
Mike: Uh, you have to ask the editor.
Harry: No... not tomorrow.
Crow: I have a headache... tomorrow. 
Servo: Ah, she's setting up for a séance.
Crow: They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man.
Mike: Dinner isn't white enough, honey.
Harry: And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs.
Mike: What if I don't bring 'em with me?
Bernie: I feel real free in that wild blue sky.
Crow: Cops can't touch me up there.
Bernie: ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there.
Mike: Poopin' on people. 
Mike: Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie. 
Crow: Two zips and we're naked! 
Crow: He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant.
Suzy: Well, Frankie, are you chicken?
Mike: Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh... 
Mike: Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs! 
Mike: This isn't The Right Stuff; it's just... some stuff.  MikeGetcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it? 
Crow: A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, and leaves.
Mike: Now I can do what I really want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. What color is my parachute? 
Mike: Hey, it's Amon Göth on guitar! ^ 
Crow: Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky? 
Crow: Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes. 
Judy: Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this.
Mike: Yeah, evidently.
Mrs. Adams: Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you.
Judy: Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good.
Crow: Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig? 
Crow: There. Now I look like Mom.
Mike: Thank goodness for my electric dress! 
Crow: Hey, the electric phone! 
Judy: Did he arrive? Man, he's positively frantic!
Servo: He runs around screaming!
Judy: And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, squishy!
Crow: Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines. 
Mrs. Adams: There. Nothing to it.
Servo: AND IT'S QUIET, TOO! 
Crow: Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is psychotic?  ServoOH DEAR!
Judy: Oh, me!
Servo: Did I call that? 
Alex: There we are.
Mike: God, you're dumb. 
Mike: Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy.
Alex: I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing?
Judy: Dancing? Oh, Alex, how dreamy!
Crow: 
Servo: This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd!
Mike: And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom. 
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: Ed Wood. 
Mike: She died like she lived... failing algebra. 
Crow: Refuses to Press Charges!
Servo: Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"
Mike: Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene! 
Mike: You said you knew where the chase was!
Crow: No, you said you knew where it was!
Mike: Well, I never!
Judge: Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime...
Mike: We don't! Can we go? 
Servo: So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?
Crow: Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: I said Coke.
Crow: I know, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: All I have is Coke.
Crow: Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.
Servo: Okay. Huh?
Crow: Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
Servo: We are.
Crow: And a show?
Servo: No!
Crow: Then why did you say we're going to a show?
Servo: Because we are!
Crow: What show?
Servo: Awakenings.
Crow: That's a movie!
Servo: I know!Are you going to come with?
Crow: Come with what?
Servo: Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!
Crow: Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you borrow me some money?
Mike: Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.
Crow: But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
Crow: So what time's dinner?
Servo: Noon okay?
Crow: But that's lunch!
Servo: Lunch, dinner, same thing. 
Servo: Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.
Crow: Ooh, the blinker!  TV's Frank: Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, you're getting too big for that! TV's Frank: Aw, it's my favorite part! 
Frank: You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink! 
Forrester: Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and pummels you with music! 
Mike: Ungodly coincidences of the Old West. 
Riley: He dropped something. See what it is.
Crow: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful. 
Mike: Ooh! Found the needle! 
Servo: I fought the loft and the loft won. 
Crow: Ah, Christo's latest installa—oh good.
Mike: Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force. 
Crow: Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?
Servo: Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done. 
Col. Hunt: Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?
Crow: Uh, you have to pay? 
Col. Hunt: Colonel Hunt speaking.
Wikowski: Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
Mike: Sarah?
Col. Hunt: Who's this?
Wikowski: Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
Crow: I sell paneling.
Wikowski: I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
Col. Hunt: Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
Servo: And his face springs into action!
Col. Hunt: I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
Wikowski: Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
Mike: Perhaps dinner...
Wikowski: We have a bit in common, you see...
Crow: My brother George...
Wikowski: You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?
Col. Hunt: Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
Wikowski: Yes, I suppose so.
Servo: They were in BTO?
Mike: I guess... 
Crow: Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
Servo: It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!
Mike: Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb. 
Crow: It landed on Pig-Pen!
Servo: Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti--  Oooh! 
Mike: "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that...
Servo: It says "Lift Here".
Mike: Oh.
Mike: Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine!
Servo: You were only here for ten minutes!
Servo: So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right?
Mike: Um...
Servo: Am I right?
Mike: Yeah. That is correct. 
Narrator: Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes!
Mike: But that's how they treat me! 
Narrator: Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was!
Servo: Don Was? The producer? 
Servo: Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Mike: In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.
Crow: The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy! 
Narrator: Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes.
Mike: Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior! 
Mike: She must be one of Senator Packwood's aides. 
Mike: Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park. 
Servo: Hey, big friggin' deal! 
Mike: San Francisco International Airport! Where the big b-actors roar! 
Servo: Terror at... uh, sea level.
Mike: So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport.
Crow: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body! 
Mike: There's a New Testament in town! 
Crow: Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses." 
Mike: Carl Stalling's in his house! 
Crow: Hey, something good!
Servo: All right!
Mike: Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to Elmer Fudd. 
Mike: Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway. 
Crow: Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action! 
Servo: Visit your government church!
Mike: First Federal Church, member FDIC. 
Hall: When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...
Servo: Oh yeah!
Hall: ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...boing!
Mike: You saw my boing?
Larry: How did you know?
Hall: Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".
Crow: Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!
Hall: For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
Mike: …if one of you is cuckoo… 
Hall: …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until… 
Larry: It's gone!
Sue: Where'd it go?!
Crow: We're gonna die!
Hall: That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
Servo: BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?! 
Crow: MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING! 
Mike: Sorry, back in Da Nang there for a minute. 
Sue: Do we have similar backgrounds?
Mike: Do we have any priors?
Sue: Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
Crow: I worship Cthulhu!
Sue: ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?
Servo: You know, God and stuff.
Sue: Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
Mike: So give to me your leather, take from me my lace. 
Crow: Is there a midway nearby?
Mike: Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!
Crow: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down. 
Servo: Ah, another sellout crowd.
Scalli: Hey, Joe!
Servo: Where you going with that gun in your hand? 
Crow: I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead! 
Crow: Music?! Why here? Why now? WHY US?! 
Mike: Man, she's a fox. 
Crow: It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a pretty man...
Servo: Sven, no! You mustn't! 
Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
Servo: Let us the nasty do. 
Crow: Crows! My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are?
Servo: Uh huh... 
Little Falcon: It is as though in a vision... I see my mother! 
Crow: Mom! 
Mike: They're operating under a different theology. 
Red: Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...?
Crow: Say I'm starring in Forever Plaid! 
Mike: So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well... 
Bill Dudley: First of all, take a look.A loaf of bread.
Crow: Eat every piece!
Whitey: Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?
Dudley: That's exactly the way I feel about it. MikeI have to. It's all I've got! 
Bill Dudley: Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
Servo: Watch me come on to a grocer. 
Dudley: Hey, something new!
Mike: Be a shame if this ran over your kid...
Bill Dudley: You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking... 
Mike: What a moron.
Grocer voiceover: That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.
Servo: What's he on?
Voiceover: Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.
Crow: What does he want from me?
Voiceover: Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.
Servo: Why can't he leave me alone?
Voiceover: I like to do business with salesmen like that.
Mike: But his bread sucks.
Bill Dudley: The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this
Crow: A hat and a pad.
Bill Dudley: That's why I keep these bull-eye's handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up.
Mike: Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't ... well, you know... 
Mike: He has a haunting ugliness. 
Mike: The Potsie story.
Narrator: The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech.
Servo: …after the human nipple.
Narrator: Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes...
Mike: ...Okay...
Narrator: ...a doll that never talked.
Mike: Just do what he says...
Narrator: Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the
breeze: a tree that never spoke.
Servo: Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn! 
Narrator: Be sure to wear a clean shirt...
Crow: Be sure to get a brand-new chin.
Narrator: ...and your favorite tie.
Servo: Now you're ready to rub out Sonny Corleone! 
Narrator: ...You will look poised and dignified.
Mike: Uh, no you won't.
Crow: Don't do this during the speech. 
Mike: John Carradine!
Crow: Was he always a hundred years old? 
Servo: Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest. 
Servo: John Carradine for Viceroy. 
Crow: Sal Mineo for Viceroy! 
Mike: Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in The Fugitive!
Servo: Hey, Moe! 
Mike: Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load I got Coleman Francis on my mind. 
Mike: Hey, I see some soccer players down there... 
Joe: Men, we're shoving off right after sundown... Crow, Servo: You shove off!
Joe: …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
Mike: There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
Joe: At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12: 30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach.
Servo: Ted, you take Havana. 
Mike: The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis. 
Mike: Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut!
Servo: I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!"
Crow: I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me! 
Mike: Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons! 
Servo: Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray.
Mike: There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound 94, you might want to take an alternate route. 
Mike: What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest?
Crow: It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - big creative dispute.
Crow: What country is this taking place in?
Mike: Europe. 
Mike: They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds. 
Crow: (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time. 
Mike: In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies.
Servo: Why can't I get the Red Shoe Diaries? 
Mike: The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
Servo: They're coming up for more baking soda. 
Mike: Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub. 
Servo: This set is at least three box tops.
Crow: Special effects by... Billy! 
Mike: Don't go up there! You'll become a toy! 
Sub Captain: Okay. We can dive.
Servo: Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
Crow: Head towards the drain. 
Mike: Das Toy Boat!
Servo: Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
Crow: Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter. 
Bart Fargo: You're the one who knows everything...
Mike: Who's God? 
Henchman: We're looking for a man.
Mike: Are you him?
Lucille: My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one.
Servo: I think you know what I meant! 
Bart Fargo: You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too. 
Servo: Olé! 
Mike: And the way you dove out the window was just terrible! 
Servo: Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
Bart Fargo: That's too bad.
Crow: Oh, come on! What about "he really fell for me"? Or "his hopes have been crushed"? 
Servo: Hot Wheels!
Crow: Some little boy is going to be very upset. 
Servo: My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter! 
Croupier: Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000.
Crow: It'd better be a damn good bonk. 
Servo: This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there! 
Servo: But it's nice.
Mike: It is nice, yeah. 
Crow: Bart Fargo IS... Hard to— watch.
Crow: Bart Fargo. Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo... Heh, that's hard! 
William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
Servo: In those days, that'd buy you a car.
William: Benjamin Franklin, eh?
Crow: Bite me, Franklin!
William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red. Crow 
Servo: Alfred Hitchcock! ^
Ben Franklin: You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father…
Mike: …James Joyce.
Ben Franklin: …something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers? 
Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the Eighth circuit court on stalking charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. ^ 
Crow: Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later!
Narrator: An American Democracy...
Servo: Would be really great.
Narrator: Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise.
Crow: And very hard to sleep!
Narrator: Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move.
Mike: Hawaii?
Crow: No, an island! 
Narrator: Bilingual schools.
Mike: Bisexual students. 
Crow: Oh. When did they change the name?
Servo: A Quinn Martin production. Mike, Crow, Servo: PUERTO RICO!
Narrator: A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.
Crow: So you might as well just stay where you are. 
Servo: Ah, indigenous cuisine! 
Mike: With this, and this, and that! 
Crow: Here, money is exchanged for coconuts. 
Mike: Latka Gravas goes to class.
Crow: Thank you veddy much.
Crow: It's Room Dos-Dos-Dos! 
Mike: Here, we're flying in another trumpet section. 
Crow: Okay, let's get funky now.
Narrator: For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
Crow: ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
Mike: Look, just come here!  Mike, Crow, Servo: PROGRESS! 
Crow: Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.
Mike: Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
Servo: Here, Up With People get down.  Mike. . .  Mike, Crow, Servo: GAMBLING!
Narrator: Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family.
Servo: Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma... 
Crow: Hit me!
Narrator: A band concert under warm, tropical skies.
Crow: The music of John Phillips Salsa.
Narrator: It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago.  Mike, Crow, Servo: A CENTURY AGO! 
Narrator: Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year.
Mike: As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah. 
Crow: Here are some moo cows.
Narrator: The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
Mike: ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs. 
Servo: I love this job!
Narrator: Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy.
Crow: So, drink rum constantly. 
Crow: Why, even aliens from Mars are here! 
Narrator: A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology. 
Mike: Things with blinky buttony-type things. 
Crow: Then KISS came to town!
Mike: We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff. 
Mike: These'll never go out of style.
Crow: Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album. 
Crow: Okay, we'll move there!
Servo: Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? 
Mike: We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did not offend. 
Mike: Get off my land, you credits! 
Servo: Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.
Mike: Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting. 
Servo: Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the Coleman Francis way.
Servo: Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's Beast of Yucca Flats. A Francis Ford Coppola film.
Narrator: Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?
Mike: These are all just random sentences, folks.
Narrator: Touch a button, things happen.
Mike: ...Uh, sometimes.
Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.
Crow: Rootie patootie.
Narrator: A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland.
Mike: His limericks aren't very good...
Narrator: Vacation time.
Crow: So... goodbye.
Narrator: People travel east, west... north or south.
Servo: And some people just burrow straight down, I guess. 
Narrator: To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.
Crow: Or a giant pogo stick.
Narrator: Jump from a plane, land at the top.
Mike: Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?
Servo: Jaworski, Ron Jaworski. Played quarterback for the Eagles. 
Servo: Ahh, bit of a ripoff?
Mike: Coleman steals from only the best!
Narrator: A man murdered, a woman's purse.
Servo: A thin plot, endlessly restated.
Crow: Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.
Servo: Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment. 
Crow: The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker.
Servo: Why, why can't I get a baked potato before five in this town?
Narrator: The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury.
Mike: Ah, fudge!
Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.
Mike: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Narrator: Noted scientist.
Crow: Family man, and your candidate for city council! 
Mike: So? What about him?! 
Michelle: We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here. 
Mike: Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now! 
Servo: Hah-hah! It's anonymous! 
Servo: Okay, sound by Hanna-Barbera, fine.
Crow: That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts! 
Crow: I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office! 
Crow: Hey, you're giving away the plot! 
Farrell: Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad.
Servo: He's our only customer. 
Crow: How's about someone shine my steak over here?!
Mike: You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.
April: Women can make a difference.
Crow: Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid. 
Servo: Vaguely Strauss, but notttt!
Terry: I've got an idea. 
Servo: What a great idea! 
Crow: It's the T & A-Team! 
Mike: Right now, Benny Hill is smiling down from heaven. 
Crow: It's Dworkinfest '78! 
Crow: Oh, no! He saw City Slickers II. 
Farrell: May I speak to you for a moment please?
Crow: 'It's about my report card.
April: Yes? What can I do for you?
Servo: What's this "Incomplete" crap? 
Mike: So, we have 70 days in each year?
Reverend: Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there.
Crow: Oh, sure— HUH?  MikeCome over to this side! CrowObey the toaster!
Narrator: She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe".
Mike: So his name is Joe Joe? 
Narrator: She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
Crow: Speaking of accidents...
Mike: So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age?
Narrator: Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall...
Crow: ...because he's DUMB! 
Tom: Boring! CrowThere, my problem went away.
Narrator: A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years...
Mike: A disastrous one would be cool to watch! 
Crow: Hey, we're tryin' to film here!
Crow: Hayley Mills in The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap!
Servo: He's amazing and amusing, he's delicious and nutritious, two for breakfast, one for...
Krenner: Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors.
Mike: You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words. 
Servo: If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving.
Crow: Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal. 
Crow: Kind of an abstract sculpture of Jayne Mansfield. 
Mike: I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty!
Mike: All this just to get a UHF station? 
Crow: Oh, he's with the William Morris Agency.
Krenner: Keep your eye on the guinea pig.
Servo: Keep your eyeeeee on the guinea pig! 
Mike: I'll be right back right after this.
Crow: Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the Cher jokes. 
Crow: Last night I dreamt I went to El Manderley again.  Crow 
Crow: Let the Cher jokes...begin.
Servo: Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh... 
Servo: Another successful José Eber makeover.
Crow: I'm pretty, so I have value now. 
Servo: Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!
Crow: I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
Servo: The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
Crow: I don't know how long I can keep this up!  Crow
Servo: Ah, the entire Mexican middle class. 
Crow: PfftHAHA!!!
Samson: I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
Servo: I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?
Mike: So, do you need any wrestling done, or...? 
Servo: Ah, how many times Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie had sex! 
Crow: Springtime for Hitler and Germany! 
Crow: Lucy, I'm dead! 
Servo: Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception! 
Mike: They live in a doll house!
Crow: You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator. 
Mike: What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
Servo: One of 32 short films about... this guy.
Crow: Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
Mike: Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music! 
Servo: Mickey Rourke came over to help.
Mary: No inspiration, darling?
Jeff: I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
Crow: Why would you wanna write him?
Mary: I wish I had a castle in the sky...
Mike: Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one piles up first!
Mary: Away up high where bluebirds like to fly... ServoI wish I could have sex with Louis Nye...
Mary: A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more... CrowI wouldn't have to dress like Tipper Gore...
Mary: I wish my living room were all redone... MikeI think owning a newspaper would be fun...
Mary: : I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day...
Crow: AIM HIGH, SISTER! 
Servo: Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen!
Mary: I wish that refridgerator door would close and stay closed...
Mike: Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refridgerator.
Crow: Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse!
Mary: I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit...
Crow: Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000! 
Mike: Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell! 
Mike: Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea... 
Mike: That's about as sexy as a garage.
Crow: One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma.
Servo: Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these.
Servo: Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh?
Crow: Here's how far I've gotten: LA! 
Crow: Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
Servo: Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey? 
Servo: Money...
Jeff: Wait a minute, do that again!
Mike: Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
Jeff: Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
Servo: I'll call someone to write the song! 
Mike: Everybody was... kung fu fighting, yeah! 
Crow: Welcome to Shakey's! 
Mike: Elton John was here!
Crow: This would make a great companion movie with Eraserhead. 
Mike: The following scene contains graphic sexual content.
Servo: Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway? 
Servo: This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
Crow: Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County.
Servo: It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck. 
Dr. Wyman: No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal.
Mike: Well, let's give him more time to die.
Dr. Wyman: I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long.
Mike: And I love it! 
Dave: Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute?
Tom Servo: Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!
Mike: I could have done that... 
Dave: Steve?
Mike: Not everyone is Steve! 
Crow: Um, have you guys seen my brush?
Donna: Steve.
Mike: Yes?
Tom Servo: Yes?
Crow: Yes? 
Tom Servo: And the Steves are there!
Crow: Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me! 
Servo: Oh god... I'm pregnant! 
Mike: What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse. 
Crow: This is still a better movie than Junior. 
Donna: Here's something to complicate things even more.
Crow: I took these upside down! 
Steve: They're gone.
Crow: My brownies are gone!
Crow: Hard to trust somebody not named Steve. 
Crow: Carry me.
Tom Servo: Shut up.
Crow: Carry me!
Tom Servo: Shut up.
Crow: CARRY ME!
Tom Servo: Shut up!
Crow: Unnnnnnh... 
Crow: The Bill Clinton Story!
Servo: The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today! 
Crow: Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war.
Mike: Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is this?
Narrator: After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate.
Servo: No, it isn't. 
Servo: Betty, must you sit in dinner?
Narrator: And one large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on.
Servo: There it is! No wait, there! 
Mike: If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine!
Narrator: Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator. MikeI'm in the incubator now... 
Mike: Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
Servo: No, stay in there.
Mike: Oh, come on. Can I go home?
Servo: No, the door's locked!
Crow: I've seen the episode where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth! 
Narrator: The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens.
Crow: And this fellow.
Narrator: This one unit holds 85,000 eggs.
Servo: And one bathroom for all of them. 
Mike: This is gonna be hot, hot, hot!
Servo: Mork calling Orson...
Crow: Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here!
Servo: That is one bloodshot eye.
Crow: Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty.
Crow:
Narrator: And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell.
Servo: Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter.
Crow: Come on down and meet everybod— Oh, sorry.
Mike: I hate it when people tape their own deliveries.
Servo: Aren't there supposed to be pantyhose in there?
Crow: Oh, what did I do last night?
Servo: Hey guys, it's God!
Narrator: Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade.
Servo: Yeah, for pervs! 
Crow: Whoa, Milton Berle there... 
Crow: Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids. 
Mike: It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral.
Servo: Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonna be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group!
Mike: 40 piece chicken nuggets to go!
Narrator: But wait a minute, you may be saying...
Crow: Why am I watching this?
Narrator: Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three?
Servo: You bet!
Narrator: Indeed they can!
Servo: ...Heh, I was right! 
Narrator: Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising.
Crow: I said, "Speed is ESSENTIAL"! 
Mike: That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken! 
Crow: Chickens! 
Mike: How many are you sitting on?
Crow: Dad went a little nuts this Easter.
Narrator: Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator...
Servo: Broadway!
Narrator: ...is the brooder house.
Mike: Designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.
Narrator: From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow.
Servo: Eat and grow forever... 
Narrator: After the first few days, the paper can be removed.
Crow: Except for the sports section.
Narrator: The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than a hundred birds.
Mike: Or migrant workers.
Narrator: The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents.  Crow, Mike, Servo: RODENTS?! AAAAHHH!! 
Servo: Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight.
Crow: Does this taste funny to you? 
Narrator: You know how chickens are.
Servo: Yeah, they own everything.
Narrator: Remember the old henhouse?
Servo: The one with the rats?
Narrator: It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel.
Mike: Rooms by the hour. 
Crow: Open your hymnals to number 325.
Tom: Everybody! Soylent Green is made from chickens! 
Mike: There's no point; it's just funny! 
Narrator: A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her.
Mike: She will live.
Narrator: Keep that one.
Crow: She's worth millions.
Narrator: But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table.
Servo: Or put a warning slip on her desk.
Narrator: ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs.
Mike: Stop throwing them at my car! 
Mike: So put your mouth under a chicken.
Crow: Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them. 
Narrator: When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work.
Servo: Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops! 
Crow: There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order. 
Mike: Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each. 
Mike: It's Goofus and Gallant.
Crow: This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call. 
Crow T. Robot: May I have a piece of my own white meat please? 
Servo: Oh, thanks for the generous portion!
Crow: Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron.
Servo: These must be models' portions.
Mike: This one's for you, Miss Moss, and for you, Miss Turlington...
Crow: Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! (You can carry it in your wallet.)
Narrator: But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market. 
Mike: We bring you now to market. 
Servo: Ah. He's drunk! Look at him. 
Servo: Put your hand up. Buy a chicken.
Mike: I want one...
Crow: Alright, come on, sing, sing! Row, row, row— you're not singing!
Narrator: Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant.
Crow: Dressing plant? Sounds like fun.
Servo: I want a new hat. 
Narrator: One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market.
Mike: Even to the Texaco station. 
Crow: There's no driver! The chickens are taking over! 
Servo: Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing.  CrowAll right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then... 
Mike: They forgot my Fruit Brute cereal!
Crow: Hey, it's KTMA!
Helen: Hal? Hal? Hal?
Servo: Open the pod bay doors, Hal. 
Servo: Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists. 
Crow: Hey fella, why the long face?
Mike: Now, come on...
Crow: I'm sorry, I couldn't...
Mike: I begged you not to do that!
Crow: I know...
Servo: That hurts.
Servo: He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker...
Crow: In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify. 
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing. 
Mike: Why didn't they just call this movie The Creeper? Brute Man , pah...
Mike: A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, don't fear the creeper. 
Mike: Hey, where's the umlaut?
Servo: Oh, these guys are, like, warriors from Hell! 
Mike: Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years. 
Crow: Let's see how long THESE accents last! 
Servo: We're taking it to the streets! 
Crow: Well, it looks like I'm boxing the clown again tonight! 
Servo: Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh... 
Crow: Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky!
Troxartis: This has. Nothingtodowith. Being RICH.
Servo: I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking WITH them. 
Crow: You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound. 
Servo: I just heard an eagle meow! 
Khorsa: You sleep in the barn!
Servo: This isn't the barn? ServoExcuse me, Mr. Moose?
Mike: We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. 
Crow: We're the knights of the round table! 
Mike: Oh no, he made a saddle out of Grover! 
Mike: This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents.
Deathstalker: ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women.
Mike: Spo-dee o-dee.
Mike: This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done. 
Mike: Remember, top rung not to be used as a step!
Crow: Who are we?! 
Mike: What the— Uh? Th— Oh...You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you! 
Marinda: I love you!
Servo: Quick! Jam a potato in the wound!
Crow: You were my first... tuber. 
Servo: She came from somewhere back in your long ago.
Mike: Look, just shut up.
Crow: We're still fighting bravely for our vague goal! 
Crow: Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.  ServoMake sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode. MikeWell... I have to say... she was all-righta. ^ 
Mike: Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown. 
Mike: He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over! 
Crow: Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
Mike: I was born on a pile of... Hey! 
Mike: "Round Guy With Surfboard" International. 
Mike: The George Hamilton Story. 
Crow: Boy, they got to Saturn fast!
Mike: It's all freeways now.
Astronaut: I.M.U., ready to launch.
Crow: You are not me, stop saying that! 
Loring: How many weeks is she?
Ted Nelson: Fourteen.
Servo: A little young to be pregnant, isn't she? 
Servo: So when do you think the people who work here are coming back? 
General Perry: How's it looking?
Ted Nelson: Not too good. ServoThere's a black guy in my office! 
General Perry: About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
Mike: 1600 hours? So, like five months from now? 
Ted Nelson: AADGKA!
Servo: Ah, aadgka, of course.  ServoGeneral wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.
Ted Nelson: Steve escaped.
Judy Nelson: Oh God.
Mike: Aadgka?
Judy Nelson: What're you gonna do? Crow
Ted Nelson: Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
Judy Nelson: Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something... ServoAadgka.
Judy Nelson: Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too. 
Mike: Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors. 
Ted Nelson: So, we don't have any crackers?
Judy Nelson: Ted. Steve?
Crow: Raging Bull.
Ted Nelson: Steve?
Servo: Steve had crackers!
Ted Nelson: I've got to go out and find Steve.
Judy Nelson: Why you?
Ted Nelson: Because nobody else is supposed to know.
Crow: Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?! 
Mike: This man is a brilliant tactician. 
Mike: Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen?
Mike: You guys know, is there a credible melting man? 
Servo: What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!
Mike: Well now the movie has to mop up after itself. 
Crow: So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can? 
Mike: So, they learned nothing.
Servo: Yep.
Crow: Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
Servo: I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.
Mike: I learned never to name a child "Burr".
Crow: Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
Mike: Very good.
Crow: I kill me.
Servo: Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
Mike: I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
Crow: We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
Servo: I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics. 
Mike: Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Servo: Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
Crow: And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
Servo: What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
Mike: Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Servo: Good lesson.
Crow: Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Servo: Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
Mike: I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
Servo: Aadgka!
Crow: I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
Servo: Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
Mike: And neither are actors.
Servo: Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear. 
Crow: Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz.
Servo: I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
Mike: Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
Crow: I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
Servo: Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that.
Mike: We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
Crow: Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex.
Mike: Oh, I hear ya. 
Mike: Hey, why is John Madden signing Samuel Goldwyn's signature?
Crow: Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution. 
Loudspeaker: You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! 
Mike: I forgot my luggage...!
Loudspeaker: This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully! 
Crow: Okay, you convinced me!
Loudspeaker: You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations! 
Mike:
Servo: Mmm-hmm.
Loudspeaker: Leave the Bronx!
Servo: Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
Mike: You, too, Henry Silva.
Loudspeaker: The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
Crow: Therefore, we suggest you—
All: Leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
Servo: So leave the Bronx.
Mike: Just leave the Bronx. 
Servo: Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
Mike: Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?
Loudspeaker: Isolate area P-6.
Crow: And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please. 
Servo: Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee. 
Crow: I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
Servo: Pretty much.
Mike: We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes. 
Mike: Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx. 
Crow: I thought it was a suggestion! 
Servo: When Habitat for Humanity cracks down!
Bum: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
Disinfester: You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
Mike: Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped! 
Servo: They're rehearsing a David Mamet play in there. 
Crow: A fascist Italian? Come on!!
Moon Grey: ...and the GC Corporation sucks! 
Mike: Is that true? Do you suck? 
Crow: I think they blew their cover here! 
Crow: D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left! 
Servo: Ah. The ladder of Damocles.
Crow: Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder.
President Clark: So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash.
Wrangler: I don't think so. They're both... under...  ...there!...or maybe there!
Servo: ...right there!
Wrangler: But somewhere there! 
President Clark: Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite?
Wrangler: I don't think so.
Crow: You guys didn't rehearse, did you? 
Mike: Oh what did you step in! 
Servo: Hi! Kill us! 
Servo: Thank you! 
Mike: Alright, we're here in the KROQ Supervan giving out a— 
Servo: Hey, rats. That was my van! 
Mike: Cleanup in Borough Five! 
Crow: Terrible name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers. 
Servo: I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe. 
Mike: Edward CDplayerhands. 
Mike: Well, now on to movie three! 
Servo: So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas. 
Billy: Pow! Pa-pow!
Servo: After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
Mike: Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow". 
Servo: I think he's doing Frampton Comes Alive.
Mike: ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
Crow: Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but " fffwissshh"! 
Mike: Yeah... I think you are gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars! 
Mike: ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone.
Servo: There's a point where it stops being a movie!
Kathy: Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary.
Mike: More ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that. 
Crow: Teens love their cake pool party! 
Chuck: Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
Girl: From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
Crow: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke! 
Mike: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo! 
Crow: This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat! 
Mike: OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
Crow: Huh.
Servo: Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
Mike: Oh wow.
Crow: Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera! 
Mike: OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
Crow: Uhh—
Servo: Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
Crow: Being There, two stars.
Mike: Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
Servo: Oh. Good.
Mike: Lemme see here...
Crow: Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?
Servo: Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
Crow: They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
Servo: What else you got?
Mike: Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
Crow: Hm?
Servo: Shame, isn't it.
Mike: Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
Crow: What?!
Mike: I'm kidding.
Crow: Oh.
Servo: I hope so.
Mike: According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
Crow: D'oh...
Servo: Broadcast News, Witness, three stars—barely superior to Laserblast.
Mike: Mm-hm.
Crow: Same for Diner.
Mike: Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Crow: Well, that's possible...
Servo: And the same caliber as Last Crusade—two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.
Servo: Where?
Crow: What?
Mike: No, I'm kidding.
Servo: Oh, you... You... jeez...
Mike: So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.
Crow: According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Servo: Bagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy—no better than Laserblast.
Mike: Here's where it gets hard—Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast.
Crow: Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter—no better than Laserblast. 
Mike: No, no—
Servo: Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man—on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast.
Crow: Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Mike: OK, ah—
Servo: Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.
Mike: Uh, yeah... Servo, Mike: Same as Laserblast—
Servo: Two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice—
Servo: Uh huh.
Mike: Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory—
Servo: No!
Mike: The Great Santini—
Servo: Oh, I can't believe that!
Mike: All two-and-a-half stars.
Servo: Two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: The same quality.
Crow: Also known as "Ace", by the way.
Mike: Yes, "Ace".
Servo: Peers to Laserblast.
Servo: Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love? No problems or mishaps today?
Mike: Nope, everything appears to be nominal.
Servo: Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So I guess you're not wondering what that rhythmic pounding might be?
Mike: Yeah, what is that?
Servo: Yeah, what is that? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I've got to tell you, this isn't normal. Something's causing this, Mike. Now, let's see... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....
Mike: Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?
Servo: Where's Crow? Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron heading to the basement with a pickaxe in his hands! 
Crow: Woah, I didn't expect this!
Servo: Attaining.... maximum RPM.... adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... stabilize! There, that ought to—AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Crow: Well, this is confusing! Mike, could you hand me my calculations? 
Crow: Thank you! Huh, would you look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined! 
Servo: Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT! 
Crow: Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid… and I went ahead anyway.
Dr. Forrester: Now, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment... did you... y'know, go? Mike, Crow, Servo: Yes...
Dr. Forrester: Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know... Mike, Crow, Servo: You won't...
Dr. Forrester: Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth! 
Crow: It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!
Mike: Notice how big Japan is? 
Mike: Isn't the fact that it's Universal make it International? 
Servo: This Island Earth can be yours if The Price is Right! 
Crow: Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!
Servo: Hey, there's Taurus the bull!
Mike: And over there's the Constellation Feces.
Crow: Oh, look. Orion is bankrupt.
Servo: When in California, be sure to visit beautiful... 
Servo: ...oh.
Crow: It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital.
Mike: Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park! 
Servo: Oh jeez, there's soccer teams laying all over the place! 
Mike: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
Servo: Early LSD tests in the Air Force. 
Crow: Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY! 
Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder.
Servo: Inserting the breakfast pastry. CrowThe secret government Eggo project.
Servo: Contact Dr. Jemima!
Mike: God, I love the blueberry ones best. 
Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
Servo: Start warming the syrup!
Mike: Yum! 
Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow: Increase the Flash Gordon noises and put more science stuff around.  
Mike: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity! 
Mike: Fries are up!
Joe: Here's something my wife could use around the house.
Crow: A man?
Meacham: This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal.
Crow: No, sir. That's paper! 
Tom Servo: But before unpacking - D'OH!
Meacham: There are 2,486 parts. 
Crow: Uh, 485, sir! 
Joe: Where do we start?
Meacham: Right here.
Mike: At Goofy Clown Face!
Joe: You know what my kids would say...
Mike: "You're not my real father!"
Joe: "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!"
Meacham: Plug it in, Joe.
Mike: Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe.
Exeter: My name is Exeter.
Mike: Doug Exeter.
Exeter: Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson.
Servo: No, farther towards the killzone, please!
Crow: Yeah, God I'm good! 
Servo: Dear God, I left the iron plugged in! 
Crow: Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope! 
Servo: Quick, get the baking soda!
Mike: Boy, the landlady's going to be mad! ServoAre you boys cooking up there?!
Mike: No!
Servo: Are you building an Interocetor?!
Mike: No! 
Mike: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? 
Mike: Hey, Charlie Rich!
Crow: He goes through a lot of Brylcreem. 
Crow: Don't mention his head.
Exeter: Dr. Meacham! Good morning!
Meacham: Good morning.
Exeter: Please, come in. Both of you.
Servo: We're glad you could join us at the Buddy Ebsen society!
Carlson: Dr. Adams.
Ruth: Yes Steve?
Mike: What's this "and the rest" crap?
Meacham: What I want to know is...
Exeter: Who we are.... why we're here.
Servo: And why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.
Adams: Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death.
Exeter: The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams.
Servo: You fine, foxy lady! 
Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
Servo: I'm not an alien!
Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world.
Exeter: Yes, indeed.
Mike: I'm not an alien.
Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
Servo: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! 
Carlson: Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads?
Servo: NO!!!
Mike: So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county? 
Crow: Ness and his men speed towards Capone's hideout! 
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, A Flock of Seagulls. 
Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. 
Exeter: They're magnetized.
Mike: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
Exeter: That's enough. Normal view. Mike, Servo, and Crow: Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW!
Exeter: Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK!
Mike: ACTING!
Crow: Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go... 
Exeter: RUTH! MEACHAM!
Servo: I LOVE YOU!
Meacham: Stand back, Exeter!
Exeter: Meacham, please! You have to believe me!
Mike: You're holding a Mutant turd! 
Crow: OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE
Crow: Oh, Carl.
Servo: Uh, Cal.
Crow: ... oh, Cal.
Ruth: Home...
Meacham: Thank God it's still here.
Crow: And Friday!
Crow:  "Puppet Wrangler"? There weren't any puppets in this movie! 
Mike: Hey, it's the Amazing Rando!
Servo: Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!
Crow: Now, we've never met before, have we? 
Crow: Julie Walker: Texas Ranger. 
Servo: Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando! 
Mike: All rights are reserved, Callahan!
Crow: Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl? 
Mike: A planet where apes evolved from men?
Professor Bobo: Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes.
Mike: You did it! You finally did it!
Professor Bobo: "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes.
Mike: It's a madhouse! A...
Professor Bobo: ...madhouse. I know! 
Servo: Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator.
Servo: Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item?  MikeHere I am! I'm the Creature!
Servo: Boy, Esther Williams didn't age well. 
Crow: This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie. 
Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right.
Servo: And... evolve. 
Crow: Does he got a thing? 
Crow: Everybody's drifting over to the "World of Barnacles" exhibit. 
Servo: Jeez, the Mengele Institute for Marine Research! 
Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
Mike: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!
:
Crow: It's a Rorschach test.
Mike: I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns.
Servo: That means you're a sexual predator. 
Malla: When we are alone, I will speak.
Crow: Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. 
Crow: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. 
Crow: Um... hakuna matata? 
Servo: I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment. 
Neil: Teri... would you marry me? 
Mike: Uh... uh... I withdraw the question.
Teri: Oh, Neil — I can't.
Servo: Starfleet forbids it. 
Mike: Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists. 
Crow: This guy's gonna die of nonchalance.
Mike: This is like a murderous episode of Lucy. 
Baxter: This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable.
Mike: It's a fabulous funny freak-out.
Baxter: But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over...
Crow: You'll feel dirty.
Baxter: You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told.
Servo: It's a story botched.
Baxter: It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye.
Mike: Peanut nostrils happy clams. 
Mike: Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere. 
Bentley: We'll make camp here!
Crow T. Robot: Then we'll dig our graves over there!
Narrator: For every action...
Mike: There is a Jackson. 
Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...
Servo: Canada, our mortal enemy.
Narrator: ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
Mike: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. 
Crow: You know what? Screw you Greenland! 
Servo: It's a magma flow of savings at Menard's! 
Mike: Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist. 
Crow: Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge. 
General Ford: I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...
Crow: I'm not gay!
Crow: But I've got a mantis in my pantis.
Servo: Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy? 
Servo: The Strom Thurmond Story!
Mike: Couldn't die or wouldn't die?
Crow: Shouldn't? 
Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
Servo: A trade rat?
Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
Servo: …in Maine.
Mike: You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. 
Mike: The rats put in a new crystal!
Linda: It still runs.
Servo: John Cameron Trade-Rat. 
Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
Mike: He had a little tool and die shop down there.
Servo: I think I got most of the rat droppings off it. 
Flavia: What's that?
Crow: Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. 
Crow: There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace! 
Crow: The whole movie was leading up to this shot.
Mike: Brought to you by the Breast Council.
Servo: Buy breasts where you work or bank! 
Crow: Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!  
Mike: Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.
Mike: This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater! 
Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one.
Servo: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Quintus: When I touch you…
Crow: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
Quintus: …we will be one.
Servo: We'll be me, for convenience' sake. 
Servo: Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.
Mike: Ohh. Damn you, Servo! 
Servo: Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving? 
Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
Crow: Route 666!
Satan: …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
Mike: …to sleeping audience.
Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
Servo: O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! 
Mike:  Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!
Mike: I've never known more about what isn't going on in a movie.
Quintus: STAAY!! {Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin]: Scientist 1: Now there's an interesting sample!
Crow: Now there's an interesting line read! Scientist 1: What is it? Scientist 2: Don't know yet.
Servo: Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors.
Claire: I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown.
Dr. Hedges: I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind. Servo
Servo: All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie. 
Mike: Now what's going on?
Servo: Who's that other guy?
Crow: Where are we going?
Mike: What is this fluid under my feet?
Servo: What happened to the day-ball?
Crow: Let's chip in and buy this movie a life. 
Mike: Hey! They whacked Toonces!
Crow: Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.
Dr. Erling: Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region?
Crow: Genocide?
Mike: Slavery?
Servo: Diseased blanket spreading? 
Hedges: Is there a good movie in town?
Mike: Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?
Crow: Heh heh heh!  Mike, Crow: Oh. 
Crow: I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.
Mike: Please! That's a hideous thought.
Servo: This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in The Age of Innocence!
Crow: Or was it Sense and Sensibility?
Mike: I think it was Barfly.
Crow: Yeah, that's it. 
Barker Johnny: I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.
Servo: So she's a carnival preceder. 
Erickson: Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee.
Andrea: I'd like that.
Servo: Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee? 
Crow: My first question: will I get the part in This Island Earth?
Erickson: What year is it, Andrea? MikeThe year of the cat. Andrea/Elizabeth: 1618, the Year of Our Lord.
Servo: In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.
Erickson: Who is the reigning monarch? Andrea/Elizabeth: James Stuart.
Mike: Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too! 
Lombardi: There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor?
Erickson: No.
Lombardi: He did what I told him without a single word.
Mike: That's because he's a dog! 
Servo: Donald Duck has the Ring of Power!
Crow: Frodo goes snorkling! 
Mike: See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card." 
Mike: We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon... 
Mike: And the 35-year-old high school students look on. 
Mike: But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza 
Crow: If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep.  Mike"I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I thinking? It's like 47 miles!
Crow: I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of.
Servo: I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack. 
Mike: ...and I like you because...?
Tony: I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this.
Crow: Because you're a jerk?
Crow: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a high school! 
Crow: Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine! 
Crow: Judy Garland runs out of pills. 
Servo: Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
Mike: I thought the night belonged to love.
Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. 
Man: Sheriff!
Sheriff: Hey, little buddy!  
Olga: Wait, you forgot your back brace. 
Mike: Ugh, he's pink!
Servo: I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!
Crow: Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders! 
Servo: Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!
Dan: What thehell was that?
Mike: Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind! Servo, Mike, or Crow: Packers! 
Crow: Like a Rock! ^ 
Servo: Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball. 
Mike: And the movie ramps up the revulsion!
Crow: This movie hates us, doesn't it? 
Ev: Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.
Crow: Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!
Dan:
Servo: Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape! 
Crow: ...Aryan...Nation...rules...
Dan: Will you look at that!? Mike"R"! 
Ev: You look like you could use a drink.
Servo: And a shower, and a job.
Dan: I found another body...
Mike: Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross. 
Mike: I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North. 
Mike: We're your dirty socks! Wash us!
Crow: Giant Puppet Invasion! 
Servo: Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe! 
Crow: Free Bobby Seale!
Servo: Free Mumia!
Mike: Free beer! 
Crow: Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual. 
Mike: Hooray for the '70s!
Crow: Shaun Cassidy for President!
Servo: We want Billy Beer! 
Crow: Apparently e. e. cummings wrote it. 
Crow: Dick Sargent. Didn't he play Dick York on Bewitched? 
Servo: This is not sanctioned, gentlemen. You are doing this on your own… 
Lena: I like it. It gives me time to write.
Richard: Write?
Lena: Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.
Crow: I've already filled a Post-it note. 
Crow: Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey! 
Mike: Whaddya know — we aren't at war with Eurasia! 
Crow: Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!
Mike: Black helicopter… Roswell… Area 51… Waco… formula for Coca-Cola…
Jake: This place you keep talking about, Clonus...
Servo: Is there a bar?
Jake: Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything?
Crow: Speaking of, where's the bathroom? 
Rick: You knew about the tape, didn't you?
Jeff: Yeah. You saw the tape?
Rick: Yeah, and it's scary.
Crow: Adam Sandler's in it. 
Servo: "James Arness: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on Biography. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies 
Mike: Uh, what about you, Servo?
Servo: Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".
Mike: Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.
Servo: No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the acronym, Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod". 
Mike: The shroud of David Schwimmer.
Servo: Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
Mike: You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
Servo: He's turning into a brisket.
Crow: It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child.
Crow: He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
Crow: Tom Petty in the morning.
Crow: You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee. 
Mike: Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel. 
Crow: The organ has emphysema.
Mike: Come hearLibby Quinn play the organ with her feet.
Servo:  If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it...
Mike: The music's gonna break into "Chest Fever" any minute. 
Jerry: The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... depressed.
Mike: Goofus and Gallant, the movie.
Jerry: How's college?
Madison: Fine. You should try it some time.
Jerry: No thanks. The world's my college.
Crow: He's taking it pass-fail. 
Mike: Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Servo: Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash. 
Mike: First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your… Mike, Crow: Schick out of shape!
Servo: Now, everybody—shave! 
Servo: how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own gravy. 
Jerry: Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.
Harold: Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
Jerry: Job?
Servo: I'm a respected neurosurgeon! 
Mike: Madison is, Madison. 
Servo: ...could eat no...frost. 
Mike: So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys! 
Crow: Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house. 
Mike: These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee. 
Nastenka: Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
Servo: And you are…?
Nastenka: Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid. MikeThis is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume… 
Servo: Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's fine; you knit your sock.
Nastenka: Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn!
Mike: Some day you'll return the favor... 
Crow: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast Chicken.
Servo: Man, Peter must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning. 
Mike: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
Crow: If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape! 
Crow: The KGB has her under surveillance! 
Servo: Whoa!didn't think they had many landmines left in Narnia! 
Stepmother: Nope! Not a princess.
Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow.
Marfushka: Oh, no?
Stepmother: You are a queen!
Mike: In that you look like Freddie Mercury. 
Ivan: Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!
Fairy: Are you afraid?
Ivan: Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!
Mike: ...the flat part, anyway.
Crow: So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out?  Frost's Voice: Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.
Crow: Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely! 
Random Unknown Voice: Look who's here!
Servo: Thank you, Anonymous Voice! 
Crow: It's a three-pig open sleigh!
Servo: On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe! 
Servo: It's…
Mike: It's…
Crow: It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators!
Crow: It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc. 
Hunchback Fairy: My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
Crow: Well, maybe you should have diversified more! 
Mrs. Forrester: (panting) Oh, great! Just what I need!
Bobo: Medic! Medic!
Observer: Here I am!
Mrs. Forrester: Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal?
Observer: My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aide. (begins attending to Forrester's wound)
Mrs. Forrester: ...what's that smell?!
Observer: Oh! Mustard gas!
Mrs. Forrester: Mustard Gas! Get the masks!
Bobo: Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch.
Observer: Good god, ape...
Mrs. Forrester: That's it, we're pulling out! 
Observer: Hand grenade!
Bobo: Grenade! I'll save you! 
Mrs. Forrester: Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast!
Observer: It's a good thing I don't have a body... 
Mike Nelson: Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda...
Crow: I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or—
Mike: ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that...
Tom Servo: D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike.
Crow: Just a little too much. 
Mike: And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired...
Crow: Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda—
Mike: It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that...
Tom Servo: So! Bombs away, Mike!
Crow: Okay, Mike! Bombs away!
Mike: Oh! Right... 
Crow: Bombs away, Mike!
Tom Servo: Bombs away!Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper.
Crow: Is that so? 
Crow: Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee...
Mike: There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction...
Crow: A little distraction! 
Crow: Okay...few things, Mike. First, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now?
Tom Servo: Think so...
Crow: Second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?! 
Servo:
Mike: Universal, except for you, Ron.
Crow: You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.
Servo: Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself. 
Mike: Hey, the Matthew Broderick story.
Crow: And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas. 
Mike: Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?
Crow: Starring rejects from Harry-O.
Servo: If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
Mike: Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!
Servo: Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
Servo: Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?
Crow: Ah, that gooey LA sky.
Mike: Birds? Nope. All dead. 
Mike: The world's most difficult math test. 
Crow: Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY! 
Sam: Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
Crow: "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
Mike: Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.
Servo: My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.
Crow: My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours— Mike, Servo: Ugh— Crow! 
Mike: Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.
Crow: You said I was bad.
Mike: You inspired me. 
Crow: Dukes of Hazzard got renewed! 
Mike: Cupcake! Get Twinkie the Kid and Fruitpie the Magician! [The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of
Mike: Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.
Crow: Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts
Servo: Heuristic Analog Rental Meat. 
Mike: Solid balsawood, baby! 
Adam: This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.
Mike: The judo range?
Servo: Meet me at the karate rink later. 
Adam: Judo range!
Crow: Then go practice your skeet kendo and bring your aikido rifle, too.
Mike: Gotta get into my judo bikini.
Adam: I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear?
Servo: Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers.
Dr. Stefanik: Yes. You've made yourself quite clear.
Crow: I'll go get the cot.
Adam: You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz?
Crow: And hula hoops and dungarees?
Adam: Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!
Mike: I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor. 
Crow: Mike, why were you choking the monkey?
Mike: Because Bobo is such... HEY!! 
Ava: Are you coming, or do I swim alone?
Crow: Yes, and yes. 
Crow: This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 %ing not guilty. And if youfind him innocent, then you can just ing goes for your bulling sorry I couldn'ty really bogus trial, man. But let metell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'ding behinds and then cram it up their helps. Take care, Mike. 
Mike: Here's the wind up.... 
Mike: ...and there's the smarm!
Tom: He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA! 
Mike: Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger!
Tom: Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you! 
Mike: I'm in space already! Damn! 
Mother: The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base.
Crow: ...the dining room? 
Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
Crow: Crank whore?
Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
Servo: Veterans cannot be turned down!
Crow: That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it very much! 
Crow: Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.
Mike: Truman Capote Sent to Fight Krankor. 
Crow: I am the lemon zester of destruction!
Crow: A rare Godzilla-free day. 
Tom: Rufforu! Bow-a-wow! 
Mike: After that dog! 
Crow: Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway. 
Crow: I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well! 
Mike: An exchange of deadly negative scratches! 
Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— —ren!
Mike: "Kill some diffren"?
Servo: "Diffren"?
Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
Crow: You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? 
CO: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.
Mike: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. 
Mike: Swing me over there, trusty string! 
Crow: Set whole fryers to stun!
Mike: The upper half of a Hopper painting.
Servo: Oh! A giant roast chicken!
Crow: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!
Mike: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!
Servo: Ohhhhh!
Crow: Potatoes or stuffing?! 
Phantom: What a fool!
Servo: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?
Crow: His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies.
Wally: Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen!
Mike: Get out of my wine! 
Servo: A-hehehehe! Horror!
Crow: Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip! 
Mike: Nude driving: a new fad among the teens. 
Mike: What is "additional dialogue", anyway?
Crow: Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?"
Crow: Sturgis: a city on the move!
Crow: I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own *head* with drawn butter. 
Crow: Men should not have bikini areas! 
Mike: I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed. 
Crow: MY SKULL! 
Crow: Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor!  Servo Chances are That I'll kick your scrawny ass... 
Mike: You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers. 
Mike: don't even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid.
Servo: Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty-raid. 
Mike: Wait— "Look Polish?"
Servo: Huh?
Mike: It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—see? It says "Look Polish"!
Servo: "Look Polish"!
Crow: Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!" 
Elaine: I hear something. ServoHe's coming! Look Polish, everyone!
Tom: What are we looking at and why are we looking at it? 
Tom: Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... . 
Crow: Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
Servo: Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free. 
Crow: Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co.... 
Servo: So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years? 
The Great Vorelli: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger...
Servo: Then I'll be right back.
The Great Vorelli: That he may die at any moment. 
Crow: Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU! 
Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
Mike: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! 
Crow: You think he likes ham? Wait 'til you see me like ham! 
Mercedes: He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and...looked at the ceiling. Then...he died. He died.
Mike: Did he live? 
The Great Vorelli: Hugo...
Mike: Have you been shaving your legs with this again? 
Mike: Please cover my cage... 
Servo: You know, Kubrick saw this scene and said "We found our Heywood Floyd!" 
Hugo: Attica! Attica! 
Tibana: So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex.
Mike: The "Roji-Panty Complex"? Servo & Crow: HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous. 
Servo: That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud!
Crow: They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor. 
Crow: Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more! 
Mike: Shoot at Earth all you want, just get Bill Maher. 
Servo: Oh, let's call our friends the Koreans! Oh, oh no— the Russians! Well, no. The Chinese! Oh, well, I guess not. 
Mike: I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly-nuanced movie. 
Crow: So whatever happened to Space Chef?
Mike: That's "Chief."
Crow: Chief Chef?
Crow: Y'know, Space Chief should try going into space sometime!
Servo: Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief.
Mike: Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief. 
Crow: What the...?
Servo: They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?
Crow: All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!
Mike: The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...
Crow: They blew it up!
Crow: Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where you grew up?
Mike: Not, uh...no. No.
Crow: Sure?
Mike: ...Yeah. 
Crow: What next? The Mussolini Mall?
Servo: Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo! 
Crow: So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this?
Servo: Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih...EAT IT, MOVIE!
Crow: Whoa! Whoa!
Servo: TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR— 
Scientist: Ten, nine, eight...
Crow: Yeah, yeah, right—one.
Scientist: Seven, six...
Crow: One!
Scientist: Five, four...
Crow: ONE!!! 
Servo: Space Chief's off having a couple Sapporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space.  Servo (as various characters): Did you sign Sherry's card? 
Crow: It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War."
Mike: Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.
Servo: Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."
Crow: Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?
Mike: Well, I used them when I was a kid.They seemed fine then.
Crow: The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike!
Servo: There's a volume for the letter epsilon.
Crow: There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.
Servo: It's got a picture of Stonehenge!
Mike: So?
Servo: Under construction?!
Mike: So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.
Servo: Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do. 
Mike: Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it! 
Mike: Special effects by Industrial Light and Morons.  
Crow: My Buns of Steel videos are in there! 
Servo: But what of the little children and their toys?
Capt. Devers: Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships.
Cmdr. Jansen: I agree.
Mike: I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho. 
Mike: Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend! 
MacPhearson: Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
Mike: I disagree!
MacPhearson: Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun.
Chief Engineer: Then let him do so alone.
Engineer Parsons: This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.
Crow: I just have to wet myself first.
MacPhearson: Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?
Chief Engineer: We'll not allow that! No!
Servo: The easily led wise council. 
Engineer Parsons: Let me go, traitors!
Mike: What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!
Crow: Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!
Servo: Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.
Crow: Death by snicker-snag! 
Mike: I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!
Servo: Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."
MacPhearson: Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?
Mike: I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!
MacPhearson: Report to the enforcers' bridge.
Servo: Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done! 
Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea: Doctor!
Ryder: Doctor.
Crow: Doctor Lady!
Ryder: I had to eject! I had no other choice!
Servo: That's Doctor I Had No Other Choice! 
Ryder: Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.
Mike: It's Doctor Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel. 
Mike: Oh, no, the death of Rick Springfield!
Servo: I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl! 
Servo: Herve Villechaize's Death Car.
Mike: Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
Crow: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
Kalgan: Servo
Crow: We need both horsepowers on this thing! 
Mike: I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!  ServoDe do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you... 
Mike: Hey, wait, she's dead!
Servo: Yeah, she's dead!
Mike: She died! 
Capt. Devers: Commander Jansen?
Crow: I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. 
Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
Capt. Devers: Helveca?
Mike: Oh, I love that font!
Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
Servo: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. 
Mike: 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan. 
Crow: A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
Captain Devers: Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally.
Commander Jansen: Alright.
Crow: Fetch me my warrior muumuu.
Commander Jansen: Captain Devers and I have decided: David . . .
Crow: You're fired. 
Mike: We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese. 
Crow: Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally!
Mike: Woooo! We got ISO 9001 certified! 
Servo: He's gonna have so much sex with your daughter. 
Mike: There goes a big, brave brick of meat. 
Lea: I'm leaving.
Capt. Devers: Lea?
Mike: You wanna get me some coffee?
Capt. Devers: Lea!
Mike: Get me some coffee! 
Servo: Toro! Toro! These cars are made by Toro!
Mike: You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur?
Servo: Oh?
Mike: Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked." 
Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, white thing? 
Servo: Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this
Kalgan: I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's not unsimilar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.
Servo: You're too stupid to know anything about dental history.
Lea: You bastard!
Mike: How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry! 
Crow: Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be the future! 
Servo: They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast. 
Crow: Slab Bulkhead!
Servo: Fridge Largemeat!
Mike: Punt Speedchunk!
Crow: Butch Deadlift!
Crow: Bold Bigflank!
Mike: Splint Chesthair!
Mike: Flint Ironstag!
Crow: Bolt Vanderhuge!
Mike: Thick McRunfast!
Mike: Blast Hardcheese!
Crow: Buff Drinklots!
Servo: Trunk Slamchest!
Crow: Fist Rockbone!
Mike: Stump Beefknob!
Servo: Smash Lampjaw!
Crow: Punch Rockgroin!
Mike: Buck Plankchest!
Crow: Stump Chunkmen!
Servo: Dirk Hardpec!
Mike: Rip Steakface!
Crow: Slate Slabrock!
Servo: Crud Bonemeal!
Mike: Brick HardMeat!
Crow: Rip Slagcheek!
Servo: Punch Sideiron!
Mike: Gristle McThornbody!
Crow: Slate Fistcrunch!
Mike: Buff Hardback!
Servo: Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...
Servo: Blast Thickneck!
Crow: Crunch Buttsteak!
Mike: Slab Squatthrust!
Servo: Lump Beefbroth!
Crow: Touch Rustrod!
Mike: Reef Blastbody!
Mike: Big McLargeHuge!
Mike: Smoke ManMuscle!
Servo: Eat Punchbeef!
Mike: Hack Blowfist!
Mike: Roll Fizzlebeef! 
Servo: Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
Crow: Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
Servo: Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
Mike: Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
Crow: Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
Mike: Uhhh... 
Crow: Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
Servo: Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
Crow: Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
Servo: And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!
Crow: Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
Servo: You're pathetic.
Crow: You and your '80s!
Servo: Your precious '80s!
Crow: You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
Servo: Yeah!
Mike: All right, all right, that's it, that tears it! 
Crow: You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man!
Servo: Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't! 
Mike: Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man. 
Servo: Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him!
Crow: No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end!
Servo: It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either!
Mike: No no, actually they did end Tom, there there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over.
Servo: I'm sorry, Mike!
Crow: Sorry, Mike!
Mike: It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too.  ServoRello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
Crow: He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
Mike: Oh, Crow. So early, too. 
Servo: Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents—
Mike: Okay, stop.
Crow: Cut it out. 
Crow: This is like NFL graphics here.
Mike: 
Nick: Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a genius!
Servo: A crop-dusting genius! 
Crow: This... is not our star, is it? I will not accept this as our star, sorry. 
Mike: Come on down to parallel parking days. 
Mike: Come to Martin's. WHATUP?!? 
Servo: You've got mail... pattern baldness! 
Mike: The, uh, future. 
Crow: So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
Servo: So... 50 years from now will be 3 years from now... 
Servo: Hey, look—a lesbian... of the future! 
Mike: Food courts... of the future! 
Mike: Hi, I'm Bob Evil!
Robertson: Trust me.
Servo: Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 
Guard: Come on, this way!
Mike: Even though I see them running the other way! 
Servo: Two kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even I know that's a fashion no-no.
Servo: I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles!
Crow: I'm a team player! 
Mike: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! 
Servo: Great, now the garbage truck's backing up! 
Servo: I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!!
Crow: The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film.
Servo: Yeah, I think—huh? 
Servo: They're running out of Alt! 
Eddie: And their Miffnotsare goin' down!
Lisa: Nick!
Crow: I was shaving this morning and got a nick! 
Eddie: Get up! You're all right. 
Crow: Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands! 
Crow: 27 Keebler elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!
Mike: E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.
Mike: Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!
Crow: Oh, he's like poo, all right. 
Crow: He's climbing an Ent!
Servo: Hoom hom, get off me, hm. 
Crow: He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying. 
Servo: Did the tree contribute money to the film? Why are they showing this? 
Servo: So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel.
Mike: Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes. 
Mike: Hey... even declared war on his surge protector... 
Mike: Who's playing the chamber pot?! 
Crow: Written? This movie was written? I don't think so. 
Servo: We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day. 
Servo: Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!
Mike: All these people bear... some responsibility, you know. 
Servo: Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of stupid Rutland, Vermont! This is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!
Crow: Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin! 
Servo: Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote!
Mike: Let go of it, man!
Servo: Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your Websters, and your Facts of Lifeses, and your Who's The Bossesesses! 
Mike: We got movie sign! 
Mike: This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
Crow: It's a Raulbik's Cube!
Servo: Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
Mike: Oh no, don't say it!
Servo: ...Cube-in!
Mike: Ahhh. 
Crow: Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man!
Servo: But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero! 
Mike: And now, the news. 
Servo: That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"? 
Servo: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny.
Crow: Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything. 
Mike: Wow. TV's Frank!
Servo: Wow. Frank's really come up in the world.
Crow: Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine. 
Crow: SAT farms of the future! 
Appalonia: He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a
processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control. 
Mike: And its effect on Bugs Bunny.
Servo: Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie.
Appalonia: And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it.
Mike: Data entrying with no pants. 
Crow: We now return to Billy Madison. 
Mike: It's Merv Griffin!
Computer: Ask about his mother.
Servo: Ask if she wears Army boots.
Servo: So aging lesbian nuns run the future? 
Fingal: I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys?
Shuttle Passenger: An anteater... maybe.
Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere! 
Servo: Oh, look. Must be a Jack-In-The-Box in the food court. 
Boy: And blue, like this?
Teacher: Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later.
Boy: Is it sexy?
Teacher: We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room. 
Servo: The littlest sexual deviant. 
Servo: There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. ^ 
Servo: Is it "Children of the Damned Day" at the brain institute here? 
Crow: Doctor Who... the hell cares!
Mike: You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too? 
Fingal: At least I'm not an anteater.
Mike: This movie just hates anteaters!
Fingal: This cost me every credit I have?
Mike: He's gonna start flinging it any minute now!
Mike: I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater! 
Fingal: What happened to him? He looks drunk to me!
Crow: I'm on medication, okay? 
Servo: Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo! 
Crow: Must be Christmas on the Borg ship.
Servo: See you on the dark side of Raul...
Mike: You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up this cinema. 
Mike: It's Asian Pee-Wee.
Crow: Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, Ram Jazz. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe...
Pierre: Everybody goes to The Place.
Servo: You know, when they have to go... 
Mike: Formerly "That Other Place".
Servo: Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and this was the name they thought up.
Servo: Formerly "The Locale".
Mike: Formerly "The Site".
Crow: It's changed ownership. Now it's a gentleman's club. 
Professor Bobo: Hey, I can sing, too!And now you find yourself in '82— 
Mike: All I can eat? The joke's on them! 
Fingal: I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored! 
Servo: OK, which one of us said that?
Crow: I felt it, I don't...
Fingal: Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer! Mike, Crow, ServoI'm okay with that. 
Crow: My coffee coupon!
Fingal: If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work.
Crow: I'll be a better zombie! 
Mike: Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"... 
Apollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life...
Crow: Whoa!
Apollonia: ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!
Servo: Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part?
Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! 
Crow: Well, now you are, actually.
Apollonia: Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is...
Servo: Well, slapping him seemed like a good start! 
Rick: What're you gonna do?
Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
Mike: Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! 
Computer: What is your access code?
Crow: Where do you want to go today? All over this movie, that's where I want to go.
Computer: Invalid access. Quit or retry?
Servo: I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex. 
Crow: The chairman's got really bad dandruff.
Mike: This is how much pure cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie.
Fingal: I'm not making this up!
Mike: I'm not cleaning it up either!
Crow: So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers. 
Apollonia: Dopples don't dance, they don't make love...
Crow: They're Lutherans!  Mike, Crow, Servo: You can't always get what you want... 
Servo: Here's some more commandments I forgot.
Fingal: Shut up, Fat Man!
Mike: You... you anteater! 
Crow: To Wendy's! 
Fingal: Genius. Pure Genius.
Crow: ...couldn't save this film. 
Servo: I'm farting Monopoly cards!
Mike: Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. Sorry. 
Crow: Draw... me some butter!
Servo: People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here. 
Mike: Vertigo to hell.
Servo: You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now! 
Mike: I love you this much! 
Servo: I don't care for you! 
Crow: Eating Raul! 
Rick: Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater!
Servo: Lay off the anteaters! Come on!
Crow: Man! 
Servo: Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? 
Crow: But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week! 
Mike: And now the news. 
Mike: That was the news. 
Observer: Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls…wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. Nepenthe! Nepenthe!
Pearl: You are so gay.
Observer: I could be wrong. 
Man: What's he doing?
Crow: Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine! 
Dr. Hill: You better watch where you're going!
Dr. Mitchell: Pretty you may be! 
Crow: Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant! 
Servo: Uh... driving she may be! 
Crow: Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension! 
Mike: An exhaust system she may need! 
Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat!
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in!
Crow: Grease and flour cake pans!
Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay.
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on!
Servo: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
Mike: Are we not blokes?
Prof. Steiner: Relay One.
Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in!
Servo: Really dumb scene… end! 
Crow: Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again! 
Thief: Gloria?
Mike: G-L-O-R-I-A?
Thief: Gloria!
Servo: In excelsis Deo!
Thief: Gloria!
Crow: I hear they got your number. 
Inspector Davis: Can I get on?
Servo: Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out. 
Crow: Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
Servo: Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
Crow: Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first?
Mike: Crow! 
Crow: Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!  
Crow: Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.
Mike: Pat Buchanan's first day as President.
Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...
Crow: Don't hit him...
Makonnen: ...if you just take the time to look at it.
Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen.
Mike: You know, Captain...
Crow: Shut up, Ray.  MikeWow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful? 
Servo: Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around! 
Servo: Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Mike: Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
Crow: Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Mike: Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
Crow: I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
Servo: You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had... 
Judge Eden: Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
Servo: …with courage and nudeness. 
Chapman: I don't understand.
Sessom: There are many things you will not understand here…
Crow: …being an obvious doorknob. 
Servo: Look! Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery! 
Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. Servo We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! Guilty! Guilty! Whoo! Yaaaay! 
Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
Crow: So people are just balloons?
Crow: You know, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eyes! 
Crow: We didn't like these scenes the first time! 
Crow: No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago! 
White: Chapman! Chapman!
Servo: You got any gum?
White: Where's Makonnen?
Chapman: He's dead. Gone.
Mike: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. 
Chapman: Now they'll never believe me... MikeI'll have to kill them all.
Kobras: Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history.
Mike: And there's more salt in ham than in turkey.
Jane: You can't hide this!
Kobras: Who is to prevent me?
Servo: A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair? 
Mike: We're downsizing, Steve! 
Crow: Call our 900 number and vote.
Jane: So, dinosaurs died out because they forgot how to love each other. Is that right?
Servo: In a wrong kind of way, yeah.
Vadinho: My name is Vadinho.
Crow: I'm an onion. 
Mike: Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle.
Crow: So basically a mild rain could take out that roof.
Crow: Puma Man! He flies like a moron! 
Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does.
Crow: Yeah, thanks, Castaneda.
Kobras: Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him.
Crow: Donald's only use for the word "comb". 
Mike: Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics! 
Servo: My mustache makes me fall sideways! 
Servo: Prepare the Effeminate Mobile! 
Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it.
Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will!
Mike: But my will won't!
Jane: I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance.
Servo: Amelia Airhead. 
Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death!
Servo: Stuffing or potatoes! 
Kobras: You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man!
Crow: PU-ma Man!
Mike: Oh, is that right? Dee-onald?
Kobras: You're just a small... insignificant... human being!
Servo: No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait.
Kobras: Because you come from Earth...
Servo: Corn grows in you.
Kobras: And to Earth you shall return!
Mike: Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him. 
Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone.
Mike: To be left alone—the goal of every great hero! 
Crow: So, basically, the hero is this guy. I think it's time we all face that fact! 
Mike: And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe. 
Servo: I don't know, you had him last!
Crow: You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Servo: Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? 
Mike: Hey, guys.
Servo: YAH!
Crow: Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
Mike: Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
Servo: Thank you!
Crow: Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it. 
Crow: Good one, Servo.
Servo: 
Billy: Hey, I got something here!
Crow: It's Ron! 
Crow: Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
Crow: It's a production of Road House in the Park.
Mike: And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.
Noel: At the risk of sounding nuts...
Crow: I've replaced my toes with grapes. 
Servo: Oh, I ate too much - I am a full moon!
Mike: I am gonna hit you so hard... 
Servo: No, wait! It's a gorilla! 
Servo: ...With a dog mask on! 
Servo: I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting. 
Noel: Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you?
Crow: You are married to me! 
Paul: I'm actually working on something now.
Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter?
Crow: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
Mike: Heh, good one! 
Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! ServoYou can't handle the truth, deary!
Noel: In due time, you'll know everything.
Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!
Mike: Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. 
Mike: Paul, you is a wahrwilf! 
Natalie: So it all comes to this?
Servo: The... thing that it comes to?
Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
Crow: Yes, we is.
Natalie: But over my deadBODy. You hear me? I won't stand for it!
Servo: You is a jerk! 
Crow: Chubby Ramone! 
Sam: Werewolf?
Crow: No, I'm a squirrel monkey; OF COURSE I'm a werewolf, you... 
Crow: Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving. 
Mike: Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west... Mike, Crow and Servo: We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU! Tusk!
Servo: Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...
Crow: Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town... Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Mike: High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...
Servo: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane... Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Crow: Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
Mike: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key... Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Servo: Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...
Crow: And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...
Mike: In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...
Servo: One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!
Crow: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...
Mike: We were merely freshmen! Mike, Crow and Servo: Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! Tusk! 
Crow: They named every bee? This is gonna take forever... 
Crow: Eight… miles… wrong!
Servo: Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin. 
Crow: Hey, they're growing Bill the Cat! 
Hargrove: Morning, David.
Hawkins: Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
Hargrove: Oh, the usual.
Servo: 9 A.M., why so late?
Hargrove: Make it a double, will you?
Crow: Alright, now we're in England.
Mike: Andy Capp: The Movie. 
Mike: Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins! 
Coroner: Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death?
Hargrove: The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees.
Coroner: And her dog?
Servo: Uh, the dog didn't sting her. 
Servo: Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go… 
Crow: Hey, it's Nondescript Spice.
Mike: Whose woods these are?
Crow: Oh, I think I know.
Mike: Huh? 
Servo: Killer cookie crumbs!
Crow: Damn, it's that "bee-loud glade" that Yeats spoke of. 
Crow: She still lip-syncs better than Jewel. 
Mike: Avenge me! Ruff! 
Mike: If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones. 
Crow: The house was made of typing paper and oily rags. 
Crow: All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this?
Servo: Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"? 
Mike: Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. 
Crow: Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind.
Mike: Why do you lash out like that?
Crow: I don't know. 
Servo: The only bathroom in the fair is up there.
Crow: Well, I'm glad to know the future has CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC! 
Crow: Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it! 
Mike: Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers? 
Crow: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. 
Mike: Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird?
Bell Woman: ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest. 
Crow: The Führer will like that! 
Grandma: Hello?
Little Girl: Hello, Grandma?
Crow: Where's my money? 
Bell Woman: Want someone else on the line?
Servo: No.
Bell Woman: That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto!
Mike: Well, andante, maybe.
Crow: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. 
Bell Woman: It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation. 
Crow: Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on you?!
Mike: ...And in the future there will still be a two dollar surcharge for using this service despite the technology having proliferated EVERYWHERE ON
Crow: Remind me to never be a child. 
Crow: Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by "And The Rest"! 
Anne Brewster: How does it tell you, and why?
Bud: I don't think you'd understand. 
Mike: Oh, I'll just go wish myself into the cornfield. 
Dr. Wahrman: And what does it look like?
Crow: Well, it's got a good personality…
Servo: Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie? 
Mike: What, has he got Pringles in his shoes?
Servo: Proof that janitors walk upright! 
Mike: Burgess Meredith is inside reading. 
Servo: Member, FDI-Murder! Crow 
Servo: Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short!
Mike: These are the beginning credits!
Servo: Oh, well, then kill me, please? A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]
Mike: It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain!
Servo: Take on me...
Daphne: Everybody have sex tonight!
Servo: Everybody throw up tonight.
Crow: Ironically, no one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night.
McCreedy: But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried...
Servo: Sentence fragments. Just phrases. 
Crow: So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or…? 
Mike: He's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole. 
Mike: Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.
Crow: Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers?
Mike: It's the '80s! Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan! 
Servo: Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw. 
Servo: Ugh! They made love in their Chevy van and that is not alright with me! 
Crow: So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"? 
Crow: That is not a woman! That's David Lee Roth! 
Servo: The car will do anything to get out of this movie! 
Crow: In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash! 
Mike: Look at that guy wave the gel in front of the light! 
Crow: Oh, great! You just shot down Air Force One, you dope! 
Servo: The king of the Wisconsin Dells finally gets a movie. 
Mike Cutout: This sure is a bad movie, won't you?
Servo Cutout: It sure is, you know!
Crow Cutout: Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins."
Mike Cutout: Are you kidding me?
Servo Cutout: Then let's go!
All: Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo!
Mike Cutout: Watch out, here comes one now!
Crow Cutout: Look out, you little doodad!
Servo Cutout: Something's sure going to happen! 
Mike Cutout: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today...
McCreedy: Did I ever tell you what I did during the war?
Kevin: No, what?
Crow: Shot off my toe and got out! 
Farmer: Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
Servo: Mercy?
Farmer: ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.
Mike: Yeah, milk me. 
Mike: The American Gothic people take revenge. 
Crow: And then he died!  
Servo: Grandma Kramer!
Mike: A kabuki actor's been hit!
Luther: What happened? What have you done?
Servo: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!
Servo: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand. 
Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even.
Crow: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. 
Servo: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. 
Mike: But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...
Crow: Mike, stop it now.
Mike: ...Sorry.
Jody: This your pond? 
Crow: You can take your time, it's a tough question.
Melissa: It belongs to my father.
Jody: Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond?
Servo: As long as you don't hit his favorite frog. 
Melissa: I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car?
Jody: Yeah.
Servo: Mind if I skip rocks across it? 
Melissa: This is where the fish lives. 
Jody: Why did you run?
Servo: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. 
Mike: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? 
Crow: This is where my tongue lives. 
Mike: I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car! 
Crow: She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change. 
Mike: Oh, and "go Packers" too, but mostly burn the witch. 
Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..."
Servo: ...said Madeleine.
Strickland: "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..."
Crow: Tsch. Bunch of crap.
Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears."
Mike: It's Paula Cole, I think.
Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." 
Strickland: What is it, child?
Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something.
Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God.
Servo: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
Strickland: "Yea..."
Crow: "...team!"
Strickland: "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..."
Mike: "...by ten-thirty…"
Strickland: "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
Servo: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! 
Mrs. Strickland: What is it, David?
Crow: It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf?
Young Melissa: Papa, what is it?
Crow: People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at all? 
Servo: "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice." 
Servo: I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened! 
Mike: The Vice President's unimaginative campaign slogan. 
Servo: This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good. 
Mike: And...? 
Mike: Oh, they're fine!
Crow: They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better... 
Sam: Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
Mike: Poor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm. 
McCartin: After you load with water… you leave. Tonight!
Joe: The sooner, the better!
Servo: The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us!
Crow: Yay! 
Mike: Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by Cromwell or infested by leprechauns they've got this guy! 
Crow: Am in Ireland, send real food. 
Crow: I didn't know elephants exploded on impact! 
Servo: Maybe Mary Poppins flies in and kicks his ass?
Mike: That I'd pay to see. 
Servo: I wish they'd get back to Dorkin.
Crow: Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more.
Servo: Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage?
Crow: Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'.
Servo: D'oh!
Mike: Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work!
Crow: Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh.
Mike: That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I— 
Mike: You know what I mean. Stop it. 
Servo: Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now. 
Sean: She's going back now—back to the sea.
Servo: ...With the blood of many on her scales. 
Crow: If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender. 
Mike: I understand everything up to the word "A".
Crow: He comes from a long line of great anuses.
Crow: That's an anagram for "direct to video!" 
Crow: That's an illegal use of a silent consonant! 
Mike: You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it.
Servo: Already. 
Servo: Seven years after the credits?
Mike: I guess. 
Crow: Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate.
Mike: Heh... you know, people are just dying to—
Tom: No.
Mike: ...Sorry. 
Troy: Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
Mike: I died. 
Mike: Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays. 
Crow: This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters.
Servo: Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown.
Mike: I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here.
Servo: Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk. 
Crow: Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon. 
Mike: Larry Czonka! 
Servo: Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich.
Crow: I've got to find the warranty on this sweater. 
Mike: No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!! 
Servo: It's open!
Crow: Can I interest you in a replacement door? 
Mike: Canadian villain Garth Vader. ^ 
Mike: Damn you, Pee-Wee! 
Crow: Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot.
Zap Rowsdower: What's your name, laddie?
Troy: Troy MacGregor.
Zap Rowsdower: I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower.
Crow: Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater! 
Mike: Rowsdowermobile, away!
Servo: And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta! 
Crow: I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here! 
Zap Rowsdower: Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with?
Crow: They're from Saskatchewan!
Troy: No.
Zap Rowsdower: It's a cult.
Servo: They worship blue oysters.
Zap Rowsdower: They want to rule the world.
Troy: How do you know?
Zap Rowsdower: I've been around, kid.
Crow: And I've been a square kid.
Servo: D'oh! 
Mike: Rowsdower-er-er-er-er...
Rowsdower: Go to hell!
Crow: Or at least Edmonton! 
Troy: FOOD!
Crow: Yeah, no beer, though.
Pipper: Hey! Who goes there?!
Servo: More FOOD!
Pipper: What the hell you doin' here?!
Crow: We were eating your FOOD! 
Pipper: McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son?
Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
Servo: Know him? He was delicious! 
Mike: Hey, how'd he get his pants clean?
Servo: Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry.
Crow: You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...
Crow and Servo: We will, we will ROWSDOWER!
Crow: SING IT! 
Crow: We will, we...Oh, guess that's over. 
Mike: I dropped it.
Mike: Which is the sharp side?
Mike: Um, I cut both my wrists.
Mike: Uh, I somehow swallowed the knife. 
Servo: You shot me in the butt! What the hell?! You shot me IN 
Servo: Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world!
Crow: He comes to save the day in a broken truck.
Mike: With a stinky denim jacket on his back.
Crow: He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked!
Mike: But at least we didn't have to see him playh-hackey sack....
Servo: What?!
Mike: Sorry, I panicked. 
Servo: The story of Aleister Crappie! 
Peter: Janet! Janet!
Servo: Oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm nasty, Miss Jackson! 
Dr. Davis: Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor.
Dr. West: In his hands.
Dr. Davis: Exactly.
Crow: Yeah, thanks for helping me out there. 
Crow: Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade!
Servo: I bet they hired every nature-hating psycho in Dade County. 
Servo: See the Human Lady! 
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number one. Report in.
Squad Member: Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet.
Crow: B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet, over.
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Servo: We done been et, over!
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Crow: Oh, they'll be number two soon enough.  ServoSouthern man, gonna eat your head! 
Crow: Well, this should take care of every living thing in the Everglades. 
Servo: Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms!
Crow: Does the Coast Guard have a lot of use for flamethrowers? 
Mike: Eww, someone threw a match on the Cuyahoga River.
Crow: One of my classmates died in the kiln today, mother.
Tom Servo: The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk. 
Crow: Hey, don't! That's Wallace and Gromit's yard! 
Mike: Hey! That's old-growth clay! 
Crow: Habitat Against Humanity. 
Crow: It's a fair to partly-cottony day… Gumby's Mother: Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk!
Servo: Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later! 
Crow: Gotta move this body back upstate. 
Servo: Liquid metal! 
Mike: Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil! 
Mike: Thank goodness for the internal genitalia! 
Crow: That squares my breasts! 
Mike: Son, I'm gunna need a can of Play-Doh to replace my butt. 
Servo: Aah! They hung his head! Oh…
Crow: Now I'm ready for years of powerful Adlerian therapy, Mike.
Servo: They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than Se7en!
Mike: Hey! His bump is on the other side!
Eric: Jenni, this is Mickey.
Mike: Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare! 
Servo: Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well! 
Mike: Have you tried talking to your minister about this? 
Servo: Don't you make that skull face at me, missy! 
Crow: Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something? 
Crow: GET A BOX! 
Servo: Kiri Te Kanawa is drunk again! 
Crow: Oh, great! She's playing her Yoko Ono albums.
Mike: I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, semicolon, Skull". 
Mike: Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually. 
Crow: Everyone knows it's Slink-skull!
Crow: So, this movie's kind of a combination of "The Tell-Tale Heart", Blithe Spirit, and...well, a piece of lint, I guess. 
Crow: Settled in a divot. 
Servo: Woof!
Crow: Well, better than "Quest of the Delta Burke", I suppose
Narrator: Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous.
Crow: Jimmy Carter was in office.  CrowIn it for the money, folks. 
Baydool: ¿Como te llamas?
Servo: Yeah, yo quiero Taco Bell, whatever.
Baydool: Comment vous-appelez vous?
Crow: Je m'appelle… Bite Me! 
Pearl: I'll see if Bombadil has a place to crash.
Tee: I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master".
Crow: Right, Mr. Bater? 
Pearl: Ew, wizard whiz!
Crow: Drain the wizard! 
Servo: Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im! 
Servo: Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am?
Lord Vultare: We've rounded up a number of suspects.
Crow: …including Kevin Spacey.
Lord Vultare: I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order.
Mannerjay: What of the map?
Lord Vultare: No word. It seems…
Pearl: …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy? 
Baydool: These will put anyone to sleep in no time.
Crow: They're tiny James Michener books! 
Tom: The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well. 
Servo: Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me. 
Loony Henchman: I'm com-iiiing!
Mike: Put a sock in it, Legolas!
Tee: When in doubt, rest.
Crow: You are full of crap beyond your years, kid. 
Servo: Tee pities the fool who gets in his way. 
Servo: Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation. 
Crow: Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! MikeBecause you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit. 
Servo: I'm Ed Bradley...
Mike: I'm Steve Kroft...
Crow: I'm Lesley Stahl... 
Servo: The SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER! 
Crow: That's not Natalie, that's Tonya Harding! 
Crow: You're dead, Nancy Kerrigan! 
Crow: Ugh, that car must reek of Arby's!
Mike: I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of Marlboro Lights and Hardee's out of the upholstery! 
Natalie: Karen!
Mike: Sorry! Love is lifting me up where I belong! 
Crow: The lace on my skate broke! 
Crow: Jeff Gillooly did it! 
Crow: Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you. 
Mike: Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time. 
Mike: She's survived by her Danskins. 
Servo: Whoa! Triple salchow really takes it out of you! 
Tommy: What do you want?
Crow: Do you have a phone, so I can call Martin to take over my role? 
The Soultaker: It's Closing Time!
Servo: Does that mean that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end? 
Tommy: Thanks! 
Mike: I just got assaulted, it's fun! 
Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom!
Zach: No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital.
Natalie: What?
Mike: Hey, look—you wrote this crap! 
Mike: I wanna thank you. 
Brad: You still haven't figured it out, have you, man?
Crow: We have! Can we go?! 
Crow: Muhuhahahahaha! You're it!
Soultaker: It's all over now.
Servo: Oh, ho, I wish that were true! The movie opens with scantily clad women dancing.
Servo: Ah, shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie? 
Crow: What happens when you touch gold?
Servo: Everything I touch turns to flies. Michelle's Father: Don't get smart with me!
Michelle: I'm not getting smart!
Mike: I can't! 
Buz: What's wrong?
Crow: I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!" there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out)
Crow: You can say that ag- 
Mike: Wh... oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.
Critter: I'll have ten Hershey bars.
Crow: Tin Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat.
Michelle: That'll be one dollar.
Servo: I've got a "Happenings" coupon!
Critter: Can you cash a hundred?
Michelle: I've never even seen one!
Critter: Fifty? 
Mike: Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess. 
Servo: I'm back!
Mike: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
Crow: C'mon, I just teleported here! It's impressive!
Critter: Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of Nepalese money.
Crow: From the land of Nipples! 
Mike: Your money's from Senegal! 
Critter: Yeah, I can come up with my own share.
Mike: Ah, here's some Guatemalan quetzal.
Gas Station Attendant: Will this be cash or charge?
Buz: Cash. 
Crow: On second thought, I'll just put it on my gun!
Servo: Heh, that guy's totally pistol-whipped, man. 
Mike: Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh.
Servo: Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store! 
Mike: She makes Elaine Benes look like a good dancer.  MikeExcuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"? 
Servo: No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!" 
Harry: I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. 
Mike: Boy?!
Leo: Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. 
Servo: I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties!
Crow: Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime! 
Harry: I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share. 
Mike: Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor!
Mike: Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people and I killed a guy!
Servo: Well, what do you expect, he's only a child! 
Servo: Oh, so he learns he enjoys violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta. 
Servo: Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!
Mike: So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?
Servo: She's dancing the specials at T.G.I. Friday's.
Crow: Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the Jack Daniel's grill.
Critter: But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by.
Servo: You're living a lie.
Critter: You gotta come down.
Servo: You dance like a clown.
Critter: By and by.
Servo: I hope that you die!
Pearl: I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! 
Grandpa: Uh-oh!
Crow: We better eat all the ice cream!  ServoThat's all I got. 
Mike: Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.
Cooper: Allow me to introduce myself.
Servo: I'm Bob Jackass. 
Servo: Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities! 
Mike: Clearly, Merlin has brought good into the world! 
Servo: Meow, meow... safe! Meow, meow... very safe! 
Servo: Honey? You okay down there?
Mike: Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine! 
Merlin: Don't I get a kiss?
Zurella: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
Mike: So, she threatened him with sex? 
Mike: Why, here's something else Satan created: Japanimation!
Servo: It's the anime version of Peter Rabbit. 
David: God help me!
Servo: Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force.You're on your own.
Crow: I'm going to hit the mystical can.
Crow: Remember to believe in magic... or I'll kill you. Mike : I did a good job painting this room
Crow: And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief!
Servo: No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!
Crow: Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse! 
Merlin: Heed my words....
Mike: ...munch my shorts.... 
Cooper: Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being!
Servo: Clapton?
Cooper: I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
Mike: Why? 
Merlin: Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
Mike: ...you fine! 
Crow : Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.  ServoLoooooooook, mommmmmmmy! 
Cooper: You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
Crow: My cheek-lines disagree. 
Crow: I have another script called Chinatown, but I don't like it as much. .
Mike: In association with Bob Tet Offensive Productions. 
Servo: Oh z'no. 
Servo: Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!
Mike: Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn. 
Crow: Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember. 
Crow: He's a Cute-a-saurus! 
Servo: He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume. 
Mike: Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs? 
Servo: Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare! 
Mike: You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster. 
Mike: Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
Mike: Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas? 
Crow: He's boxed in!
Mike: Yeah, well, I'm card-bored.
Mike: Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty Servofifteen yards. 
Crow: So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right?
Ann: Hey, how did you know who I was?
Officer: Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
Mike: Fred Burrows?
Servo: Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows. 
Crow: Fred Burrows! Help me! 
Ann: DRIIIIIVE!
Mike: SUUUUURGE!
Ann: DRIIIIIIIIVE!
Crow: Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that. 
Mike: According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock. 
Crow: Introducing new, faster seconds! 
Crow: I'm fretting. See, audience? I'm fretting.
Servo: This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf.
Mike: Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed. 
Crow: OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it. 
Mike: Huh??
Servo: The movie that packs more "Huhs" per second!
Ann: Everything he wanted was everything I needed...
Crow: So neither of us actually got anything.
Crow: I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain.
Servo: Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem. 
Mike: Please enjoy a fish anus. 
Narrator: Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail.
Crow: ...like Courtney Love. 
Mike: He's a Cop-a-feel-acanth. 
Servo: Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
Crow: A-are you sure you're buying the right kind of jumpsuit?
Mike: Hmmm... 
Servo: Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? Catfish Hunter, that's who! Ha ha ha!
Mike: Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name.
Crow: Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work.
Servo: Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often.
Mike: But it only works if you get the correct, current name.
Servo: So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh...
Mike: Tom, are... are you sulking?
Servo: No!
Mike: Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke...
Crow: No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick...
Mike: Ssshh! He's suffered enough.
Servo: And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone! 
Mike: A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a cheese wedge. 
Servo: And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying rat. 
Doc: Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.
Servo: Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute.
Mike: We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch. 
Crow: Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets? 
Servo: Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the War against Northern Aggression? 
Crow: Geez, kid, do a push-up. 
Mike: Well, I'll be damned... farmers do exist! 
Crow: Can I borrow a cup of shirt? 
Servo: Lucy Bra-less!
Leslie: Tanya, do you read?
Mike: Third grade level! 
Crow: Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my gaydar.
Doc: Tim?
Crow: Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie? 
Leslie: He's close to you!
Doc: My left or my right?
Servo: Well, which way are you facing, idiot? 
Mike: I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets. 
Kathy: Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
Paul: Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
Mike: Like Wahoo McDaniel.
Paul: It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark".
Crow: Oh! Is he seeing anyone? 
Crow: Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)! 
Kathy: Paul, are you alright? What happened?
Servo: She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" a lot. 
Paul: I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place.
Servo: Dozens! No, hundreds of antiseptics!
Kathy: Your place?
Paul: Yeah, my place.
Mike: I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
Kathy: Fine. Your place, then. 
Crow: Not his place! Fornicators! 
Servo: Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth. 
Paul: I guess I blacked out.
Mike: Um, excuse me, you African-Americaned out. 
Mike: He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom!
Crow: Maybe he has a trampoline in there. 
Mike: Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do? 
Crow: Tha— That's just a picture of the moon!
Servo: Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute. 
Mike: Thanks for the stereotype music! 
Mike: Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.^ 
Crow: Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee! 
Kathy: Johnny, you can't do this! Paul's your friend! Paul—
Johnny: PAUL IS NOT PAUL ANYMORE!
Crow: HE'S SUPER PAUL! 
Servo: I see... a huge casino!
Mike: Oh, come on.
Mike: Aw, can't I have just one more justice? 
Crow: In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times! 
Palermo: You son of a-- !
Mike: ...what?
Servo: Huh. What do you think he's a son of? Son of a preacher man? Son of a son of a sailor, maybe?
Palermo: You son of a--!
Servo: Uh... something!
Geronimo: Get off your knees, you son of a--!
Mike: Same thing you said!
Palermo: I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you--!
Servo: I'll kill you, but I won't curse you! 
Servo: Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- !"
Geronimo: You've got the right to remain silent.
Mike: Oh, he is a real cop!
Geronimo: And all that other ****.
Mike: ...oh. 
Wilson: Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
Mike: That's hard to do!
Crow: Guests of Final Justice fly TWA.
Mike: Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37. 
Servo: Ugh, he's sweating palm kernel oil! 
Mike: Cars provided by Matchbox.
Maltese taxi driver: Do you know John Wayne?
Mike: Gacy, yes! 
Crow: Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts! 
Servo: And God sends a door chassis from Heaven. 
Servo: The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly.
Geronimo: Carnival? Is it a big carnival?
Crow: Can I get a balloon? 
Mike: Guess he's a... felonious monk!
Servo: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head! 
Mike: Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger. 
Servo: Our hero: a big, stinky cheater! 
Mike: San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare. 
Servo: "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!" 
Servo: Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.  MikeOh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.
Crow: Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project?
Servo: SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story. 
Ophelia: My prince…
Servo: … are back from Fotomat.
Hamlet: I never gave you aught.
Crow: Tscha!
Ophelia: My honored prince… you know right well you did.
Servo: Right well did not!
King Claudius: I like him not...
Crow: I like him. NOT!
Hamlet: To be or not to be...
Mike: The literary equivalent of "Da-da-da-dunnn!"
Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler!
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?
Mike: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die: to sleep.
Crow: Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub.
Hamlet: No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...
Mike: Ok, we need a predicate, now.
Hamlet: ...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man!
Mike: Oh, you...
Hamlet: To die, to sleep.
Servo: To SLEEP!
Mike: Whoa, that's an old chesnut.
Hamlet: To sleep...
Servo: To SLEEEEEP
Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM?
Servo: The impossible DREAM?
Hamlet: Aye, there's the rub.
Mike: I knew I had some rub left...
Hamlet: ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe.
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear... Mike': Ha, fardels...
Hamlet: And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others--
Servo: SUM UP!
Hamlet: --that we know not of?
Mike: So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say! 
Hamlet: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool!
Crow: Oh, right, it's my fault you killed me.
Hamlet: Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum.
Servo: Fifty thousand, maybe. 
Hamlet: Give us the foils.
Servo: We shall some potatoes bake. 
Claudius: Here, to thy health.
Servo: ...coming to a sudden end. 
Mike: Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again... 
Mike: Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball".
Crow: Well, it shouldn't drink so much coffee! 
Mike: Posed like this in Playgirl, only without my pants! 
Mike: Um... do you have any drug allergies? 
Cathy: Dr. Kipling?
Servo: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you.
Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck...
Mike: ...you're a loser, baby. 
Crow: Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house? 
Crow: Now, wait a minute... how did she turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and... 
Crow: ...Oh, my god.
Tom: GAH! 
Crow: OH MY GOD! I get the shower first!
Tom: No, me first!
Mike: Urgh!
Mike: Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet.
Crow: It's a dames and broads audition. 
Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer. 
Servo: Lucky sign! 
Linda: Shall I dance for you?
Crow: Yes! For God's sakes, yes! 
Crow: I see a tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget! 
Mike: Man, they're future governors of Minnesota! 
Joe: For you, the worst girl in the world is too good.
Servo: But I like Tonya Harding! 
Servo: Boy! Defending my misogyny really takes commitment! 
Georgia: Gary!
Crow: Your infidelity mildly irritates me!
Gary: This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Servo: Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees!
Crow: It's pretty windy too! And high humidity! 
Mike: Look at that shadow - it's Sideshow Bob! 
Crow: Soundtrack by Schroeder. 
Mike: ...hey! 
Servo: So, you wanna end your movie that way, huh? Ok, get bent! We're outta here! 
Servo: Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale.
Coily the Spring Sprite: So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish!
Crow: ...In HELL! 
Mike: So, one clod says one thing and the whole world pays???
Crow: No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf. 
Coily: Hey! The door!
Servo: I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here! 
Coily: Noooo springs!
Gilbert: Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish.
Coily: Wellll...
Mike: NO!
Coily: Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again! 
Servo: So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly? 
Gilbert: Too bad...
Servo: ...but if you didn't hate springs so much, that wouldn't have happened!
Gilbert: You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape...
Mike: ...by anti-spring extremists. 
Gilbert: I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks...
Mike: Guns, huh?
Gilbert: Why, it's practically impossible to name anything in which a spring isn't an essential part in one way or another! 
Crow: Hey, look! God has a spring! 
Gilbert: Hey, Joe! Wake up!
Crow: It's Coily's army of darkness! Look!
Joe: You and your springs! I hope I never see another—
Gilbert: Stop! Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live! 
Servo: You'll be the first to die! 
Crow: Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your preserves in a convenient place! 
Mike: Well, I don't know why, but okay.  
Mike: Of a man named Jed!
Servo: JEDDDDD!!! 
Roger: You gonna be da worm face!
Mike: No, you gonna be da worm face! 
Mama: Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in.
Mike: Mom, you don't even have a butt.
Mama: I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come.
Crow: Mother! That's private.
Mama Sanders: I never saw such a storm...
Crow: I do hope Ashley Wilkes can get through. 
Geri: Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases.
Mama Sanders: Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room.
Servo: ... along with Daddy. 
Mick: No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark.
Servo: Mom cracked in 1953. 
Servo: Isn't she lovely? 
Servo: Noooo springs! 
Crow: Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah... 
Crow: Y'know, this music would be better with women in bikinis shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really. 
Servo: Let's have a tantric quickie.
Mike: Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store.
Servo: This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel.
Crow: Heh! She's a great samaritan!
Servo: You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you? 
Servo: This will fool them unless they look at it. 
Mike: Wow! Dangerously steep stairs!
Servo: You're watching the stairs?
Crow: Poor Mike... 
Servo: They're really gonna have to get their money laundered.
Crow: Steve Forbes and his wife!
Mike: You know, with my budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change.
Servo: Paper cuts are brutal.
Crow: The young Alan Greenspan!
Servo: They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars.
Mike: If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better.
Servo: You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster!
Crow: You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now.
Crow: Got greed?
Servo: Member, FDIC! 
Servo: Dan Quayle announces his candidacy. 
Mike: The S. S. Jo Anne Worley!
Valmont: Is that Stud... coming?
Crow: I beg your pardon? 
Servo: My steel, reusable Fleet.
Mike: Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him. 
Servo: This has been the official biopic of Larry Fine.^ 
Servo: "The Crawling Eye". The Marty Feldman Story.
Mike: Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in.
Crow: This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?
Servo: Hmmm.  Forrest's Mother: Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get! 
Servo: Oh, "Life is a like box of chocolates"? Well I got a better analogy! "Life is like a crap sandwich! The more bread you got, the less crap you gotta take!" Sheesh! 
Crow: Pete Postlethwaite in shorts? This movie is for the ladies! 
Mike: Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of Sod-Laying Man!
Mulder: Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.
Crow: …unlike me.
Kid on Bike: You're not FBI agents!
Mulder: How do you know?
Kid on Bike: 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen.
Servo: Yeah, well, you look like Howdy Doody with a headcold.
Mulder: Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes?
Crow: No, It was Bike-Gifting Man.
Baroness De Ghent: We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse!
Crow: The First Lutheran!
Baroness De Ghent: Your features are so… masculine.
Mike: You look like Pat Summerall.
Baroness De Ghent: No wonder you're built for hard labour.
Crow: You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme. 
Mike: I sneezed in my cocaine.
Crow: Welcome back to the MST3K Blockbuster Review, featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.
Servo: Um-hmm.
Mike: Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, Halloween Water, which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. 
Truman: Would you wanna—
Mike: No.
Truman: Maybe possibly—
Mike: No!
Truman: Sometime—
Mike: No!
Truman: Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday?
Mike: Well, oka— no!
Lauren: Yeah… I can't.
Truman: Saturday?
Lauren: I can't.
Truman: Sunday-Monday-Tuesday? 
Servo: N-O! Th-the W is silent.
Corporal Upham: It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir.
Captain Miller: Did you fire the weapon in basic training?
Corporal Upham: Yes, sir.
Mike: But I shot my sergeant.
Crow: Um, folks? We'd like to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of Gla will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to God. Enjoy. Won't us? 
Crow: There! And it's Matthew Broderick free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit thanzilla." 
Melvin: Carol the Waitress, Simon the
Servo: Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of Talk Soup"?
Sean: Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in somein' book!
Crow: Oh! I've read somein' book!
NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7. 
Mike: I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning! 
Narrator: The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th— 
Mike: Was being sucked through a time portal. 
Narrator: I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
Servo: Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!
Narrator: Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
Mike: I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home! 
Jim: Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.
Servo: I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.
Crow: I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water. 
Mike: I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.
Narrator: Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do now is lick that language problem.
Crow: … and Escobar here. 
Crow: I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!"  ServoThe water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you.
Narrator: The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything.
Mike: It's called Venezuelalization.
Narrator: I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to the Liberator, who led six South American nations to freedom.
Mike: I think it was Zorro or something.