Frogs

Enter Dionysus on foot dressed in the skin of the Nemean Lion, and the club of Heracles in his hand, and Xanthias heavily laden on a donkey. Xanthias Master, should I tell one of those usual jokes which always make the audience laugh? Dionysus By Zeus, say what you want—except “I'm hard pressed” Forget that one, it's really quite annoying. Xanthias Nothing else witty either? Dionysus Anything but “What a strain!” Xanthias What then? Can I say the really funny one? Dionysus Of course, Go right ahead—but don't let me catch you saying this. Xanthias What's that? Dionysus That you must shift your pack to ease yourself. Xanthias Well, can't I say I've got such a load on me, unless someone takes it off, I'll bust a gut? Dionysus Please don't, unless you wish to make me sick. Xanthias So why should I have to carry all this stuff, without doing any of the jokes that Phrynichus and Lycis and Ameipsias always make the baggage-carriers say in all their comedies? Dionysus Just don't. Since when I'm in the theater and hear any of these stupid jokes, I go away just older by a year. Xanthias Alas, poor wretched me! My neck is really strained, but can't crack the joke. Dionysus Now is this not outrage and utter insolence, That I myself, Dionysos, son of Winejug, must walk, and let this fellow ride, so he might feel no pain and bear no burden? Xanthias What? I bear no burden? Dionysus How can you bear anything? You're riding. Xanthias But I've got all this! Dionysus How so? Xanthias Most heavily! Dionysus The weight you carry- isn't it carried by the donkey? Xanthias Absolutely not; not what I'm holding and carrying. Dionysus How can you carry, for God's sake, when you yourself are carried by another? Xanthias I don't know, but my shoulder's sure hard pressed. Dionysus Well, since you say the donkey doesn't help, Suppose you take your turn, and carry him. Xanthias Unhappy wretch! Why didn't I join the navy? Then I'd tell you to whistle a different tune! Dionysus You scoundrel, get on down! Here's the door I'm walking to, the first place I must stop.—Ho, porter! porter there, I say.

Heracles Who banged the door? Like a Centaur Someone drove into it. Say, what's this? Dionysus My boy! Xanthias Well, what? Dionysus Didn't you notice? Xanthias No, what? Dionysus How afraid he was... Xanthias That you might lose your mind. Heracles Oh, by Demeter, I can't help but laugh! I'll bite my lip—but still I've got to laugh! Dionysus Come here, my good man. I need to ask you a favor. Heracles I just can't stifle this laughter, seeing a lion's skin thrown over that saffron gown— What does it mean? How have club and buskin joined forces? Where in the world were you going? Dionysus I was on board of Cleisthenes. Heracles And were you at the naval battle? Dionysus Yes, and we sank some twelve or thirteen hostile ships. Heracles You two? Dionysus Aye, by Apollo. Xanthias And then I woke up! Dionysus And while I was on board, reading the Andromeda, suddenly a craving smote my heart, you'll never guess how strong. Heracles A craving? How big? Dionysus Small, like Molon. Heracles For a woman? Dionysus Oh no. Heracles A boy? Dionysus Not at all! Heracles A man? Dionysus Argh! Heracles You did it with Cleisthenes? Dionysus Don't make fun, brother, I've really got it bad, Such passionate desire torments me so.

Heracles What is it, little brother? Dionysus I can't explain. But still I'll try to tell you in a riddle. Did you ever feel a sudden urge for soup? Heracles Soup! Yowee! Ten thousand times so far. Dionysus Have I made it clear, or should I try again? Heracles Not about the soup, I fully comprehend. Dionysus Well, just so great a wish gnaws at me now— For my Euripides. Heracles And dead, at that! Dionysus And now no mortal shall persuade me not to Go after him. Heracles What, down to hell? Dionysus That's right, and lower still if possible. Heracles With what intent? Dionysus I want a clever poet, for the race is now extinct—all who survive are bad. Heracles What! Isn't Iophon alive? Dionysus Well, he's the only good thing left, if he's good at all. I don't even know for sure if that's the case. Heracles Why don't you bring back Sophocles, Euripides' superior, if you've really got to take one? Dionysus Not before I take Iophon aside all by himself, and test what he does without Sophocles. Besides, Euripides is such a scoundrel, he might well try to run away with me, but Sophocles was easy going here, and easy going there as well. Heracles And where is Agathon? Dionysus Oh, he has left us; a decent poet, lamented by his friends. Heracles Where has he gone? Dionysus To the banquet of the Blest. Heracles And where's Xenoclees? Dionysus Oh, God! May he drop dead! Heracles What of Pythangelus? Xanthias No word of me, long suffering with this shoulder ache of mine!

Heracles Surely you must have some other youngsters, At least ten thousand tragic playwrights, All babbling miles further than Euripides. Dionysus These are but stunted offshoots and mere blatherings, showcases of swallows, banes of The Art, which disappear at once, if they get a single chorus, just one chance to piss on tragedy. You'll not find one creative poet, if you looked, to bawl a noble sentiment. Heracles Creative, how? Dionysus Creative like one who utters some great risky phrase like this: “The airy hall of Zeus”, or “foot of time”, or “heart that would not swear by all that's holy” and “tongue that swears, without consent of mind.” Heracles This pleases you? Dionysus I'm crazy about it! Heracles I think it's trash. I'm sure you think so too. Dionysus Don't try to run my mind, mind your own business. Heracles Well, I repeat, it just seems completely rubbish. Dionysus Teach me how to eat! Xanthias No word of me! Dionysus But this is why I have come in this getup to look like you; so you would inform me who they were who took you in, in case I needed them, the ones you found down there when you went after Cerberus: Describe to me the harbours, bakers' shops, brothels, rest stops, detours, springs, and roads, the towns, their customs, and the inns Where there are fewest bugs. Xanthias No word of me!

Heracles Why, you rash fellow, will you too dare to go? Dionysus No more of that, but tell me Which of the roads will bring us quickest down to Hell, And one that's not too hot, nor yet too cold. Heracles Well, let me see, which shall I tell you first, which one? There's one starting with a cord and stool, Just hang yourself! Dionysus Stop—that's suffocation. Heracles Well here's another short well-beaten track, The pestle and mortar route. Dionysus You mean hemlock! Heracles Exactly. Dionysus Too cold and wintry. Your shins freeze off immediately. Heracles Well, shall I tell you of a quick and downhill path? Dionysus Oh yes, I'm really no great walker. Heracles Just slip on down to Ceramicus. Dionysus Then what? Heracles Climb up onto the top of the tower. Dionysus And do what? Heracles From there observe the torch race starting up, And when the spectators cry “The're off!” You go off too. Dionysus Go where? Heracles Below. Dionysus But then I'd lose the two dolmades of my brain! I'd never go that way. Heracles How will you go? Dionysus The road you went. Heracles It's a hell of a haul. Right off you'll come to an enormous lake, A fathomless abyss! Dionysus How will I get across? Heracles In a little boat—just so big!—an aged mariner will take you over, and take two obols for your fare. Dionysus Bah, how powerful those two obols everywhere! How'd they get there? Heracles Theseus introduced them. And after this you'll see ten thousand snakes And terrible wild beasts. Dionysus Don't frighten me or make me scared. You won't turn me aside Heracles Then a great slough of ever-flowing dung, and in it lie any who ever wronged his guest, or screwed a boy and took back the pay, Or thrashed his mother, or smacked his father's jaw, or swore a perjured oath, Or copied out a speech of Morsimus.

Dionysus Now, by the Gods, besides these there should be Whoever learned Kinesias' pyrrhic dance. Heracles Next a breath of pipes will surround you, you'll see a shining light, just like up here, then myrtle groves, and happy choirs of men and woman mixed who loudly clap their hands. Dionysus And who are these? Heracles These are the Mystic celebrants. Xanthias By God, I am the donkey at the Mysteries! But I won't put up with this for one more minute! Heracles And these will tell you all you wish to know, For they live closest by the way to Pluto's door. And now farewell, my brother. Dionysus Thanks, and you too prosper. But you, take the baggage up again. Xanthias What, before I've laid it down? Dionysus Yes, sir, at once. Xanthias No, please, I beg you, but hire someone from the funeral party, who's coming just for this. Dionysus And if I don't find any? Xanthias Then I'll carry it. Dionysus That's fair. And sure enough, they're bringing out a corpse right here. Hallo you there ! —you, the dead man, I mean; Will you take this baggage down to Hell? Corpse How much is there? Dionysus This here. Corpse Will you pay two drachmas? Dionysus God no, less than that. CorpseGet out of the way, you! Dionysus Wait, my good man, maybe we can strike a bargain. Corpse If you don't put down two drachmas, no deal. Dionysus Come, take nine obols. Corpse I'd rather be alive again. Xanthias How arrogant this damned fellow is—drop dead! I'll go myself. Dionysus You're tried and true. Let's go to the boat. Charon Avast, lay her to. Xanthias What's this? Dionysus This? The lake, of course, the very one he mentioned, and now I see the boat. Xanthias Me too, by Poseidon, and this one here is Charon. Dionysus Ah Charon, Charon, cheery, cheery Charon!

Charon Who's bound for the retreat from strife and woe? Who is for Lethe's plain? who comes for donkey's wool? who for the Cerberians, or the crows, or Taenarus? Dionysus That's me. Charon Then get in quick. Dionysus Where do you think we'll stop? At the crows, really? Charon Absolutely, just for you. Get in. Dionysus Here, boy. Charon I will not take the Slave, unless he fought at sea, to save his hide. Xanthias Oh God, not me—I happened to have an eye infection. Charon Then you must run around the lake. Xanthias So where should I wait up? Charon By the Stone of Withering At the rest-stop. Dionysus You hear? Xanthias O yes, I hear, unhappy wretch, whom did I cross when I set out? Charon Sit down at the oar, If anyone else is sailing, hurry up! Hey, you, what are you doing? Dionysus What am I doing? What else but sitting on the oar, where you commanded. Charon Come, fatso, just sit down there. Dionysus See? Charon Grasp the oar, stretch out your hands. Dionysus See? Charon Stop fooling around; lean your body forward, And pull with a will. Dionysus How can I row? Inexperienced, un-seafaring, unSalaminian. Charon It's easy. You'll hear songs most delightful, when once you lay into it. Dionysus From whom? Charon The marvelous music of the frogswans. Dionysus Then order away! Charon Heave ho, heave ho—

Chorus of Frogs Brekekekex koax koax, Brekekekex koax koax, Marshy children of the waters, the harmonious cry of hymns, Let us sing, my sweet song, Koaxkoax, which for Nysian Dionysos, son of Zeus, we sang at Limnae when in drunken revelry at the Feast of the Jars the crowd of people marches to my sanctuary. Brekekekex koax koax, Dionysus I'm starting to hurt my butt, Koax koax! Maybe it doesn't bother you!

Frogs Brekekekex koax koax. Dionysus Go to hell with your koax koax and nothing but koax! Frogs Rightly so, you busybody. the Muses of the fine lyre love us And so does horn-crested Pan, playing his reed pipe. And the harpist Apollo delights in us as well, On account of the reed, which as a bridge for his lyre I nourish in the water of the pond. Brekekekex koax koax. Dionysus I've got blisters, and for long now my rump's been sweating. It's going to pop up and say— Frogs Brekekekex koax koax. Dionysus Song-loving brood, Stop! Frogs No, all the more will we sing, if ever On a sunshiny day, we leaped through the weeds and the rushes, rejoicing in the song's diving melodies, or fleeing Zeus' rain at the bottom our watery dance— song we sang with bubbles and splashes. Dionysus Brekekekex koax koax. I'll just take this from you. Frogs Ah, then we'll suffer horribly. Dionysus But I suffer worse, if I explode as I row. Frogs Brekekekex koax koax. Dionysus Croak on—it doesn't bother me. Frogs You bet we'll shout as much as our throats can hold, all day long. Dionysus Brekekekex koax koax. You won't beat me with that. Frogs And you won't beat us at all. Dionysus Nor you me, oh no, Never! For I will shout if I have to, all day long, until I vanquish you with this koax. brekekekex koax koax.

DionysusI knew I'd finally stop you from ko-axing! Charon Stop, stop—now bring to with your oar, Get out and pay your fare. Dionysus Here, two obols. Oh, Xanthias—where is Xanthias? Hey, Xanthias! Xanthias Ahoy! Dionysus Come here. Xanthias Welcome, master. Dionysus What's this here? Xanthias Darkness and sludge. Dionysus Have you met here with any parricides Or perjurers, as he told us? Xanthias Haven't you? Dionysus By Poseidon, yes. l think I see some now.Looking to the audience. Well now, what do we do next? Xanthias We had best go on; This is the place where wild beasts are, That fellow said. Dionysus He be hanged! He was pretending, just to frighten me. He knows that I'm a warrior, and he's jealous. There's nothing quite so boastful as that Heracles. Now I should only like to meet with some adventure, To win some contest worthy of our trip. Xanthias Of course. Wait! I think I hear a noise. Dionysus Where, where is it? Xanthias Behind you. Dionysus Get behind me! Xanthias But now it's in front. Dionysus Get in front then! Xanthias And now, by Zeus, l see a monstrous beast. Dionysus What kind? Xanthias O horrible! it takes all kinds of shapes, Now it's an ox, and now a mule, and now A lovely woman. Dionysus Where is she? I'll go meet her. Xanthias Wait, now it's not a woman, but a bitch. Dionysus Why, this must be Empusa. Xanthias Ah! her whole face burns like fire. Dionysus Does she have a leg of bronze? Xanthias By Poseidon, yes—and the other is cow dung, Be sure of it. Dionysus Where can I escape? Xanthias And where can I? Dionysus Oh priest, preserve me now, to be your drinking buddy. Xanthias Oh! we are lost, my royal Heracles. Dionysus Don't call me that, I beg you. Man, never use that name. Xanthias Well, Dionysus then. Dionysus That's worse than the other. Xanthias Well, never mind, come on, my noble master. Dionysus What do you mean? Xanthias Cheer up, we've done all right, And we may say just like Hegelochus, “And from the storm I see once more calm-ari.” Empusa's gone. Dionysus You swear it? Xanthias By Zeus. Dionysus Swear it again. Xanthias I swear by Zeus. Dionysus Again. Xanthias By Zeus! Dionysus Good grief, how I grew pale at the sight of her. Xanthias But this thing of yours got stained reddish brown with fear. Dionysus Alas, why do these wretched ills befall me? Now which of all the Gods shall I accuse of my destruction? “The airy hall of Zeus, or foot of time?” Sound of a pipe is heard within. Dionysus Hey! Xanthias What is it? Dionysus Didn't you hear? Xanthias Hear what? Dionysus The puff of pipes. Xanthias Oh yes, and now a whiff of torches wafted over me most mystically. Dionysus Let's crouch down here and listen silently.

Chorus O Iacchus, Iacchus O, O Iacchus, Iacchus O! Xanthias This is it, Master. The band of initiates are singing here, the ones he mentioned to us. They're chanting Diagoras' Hymn to Iacchus. Dionysus I think so too, so keeping quiet's the best thing, so we can learn for sure.

Chorus Iacchus, here abiding in temples most reverend, Iacchus, O Iacchus, come to dance in this meadow; to your holy mystic bands Shake the leafy crown around your head, brimming with myrtle, Boldly stomp your feet in time to the wild fun-loving rite, with full share of the Graces, the holy dance, sacred to your mystics.

Xanthias O reverend mistress daughter of Demeter, How sweet that roast pork smells to me! Dionysus Keep quiet, if you want to get a piece of sausage.

Chorus Awake, for it has come tossing torches in hand, Iacchos, Oh Iacchos, the light-bringing star of our nocturnal rite. Now the meadow brightly burns Old men's knees start to sway. They shake away their pains and the long cycles of ancient years Through your holy rite. Beaming with your torch, lead forth to the flowering stretch of marsh the youth that makes your choruses, o blessed one!

Chorus Let him be mute and stand aside from our sacred dances who has no experience of mystical language, or has not cleansed his mind Who never has seen and never has danced in the rites of the noble Muses Nor ever has been inducted into the Bacchic mysteries of beef-eating Cratinus Or who takes delight in foolish words when doing this is ill-timed, Whoever does not eliminate hateful factionalism, and is disagreeable to the citizens, but kindles and fans civil strife, in his thirst for private advantage: Whoever takes bribes when guiding the state through the midst of a storm Or betrays our forts or our ships, smuggles contraband from Aegina As Thorycion did, that wretched collector of taxes Sending pads and sails and pitch to Epidauros, Or persuades anyone to send supplies to the enemies' ships, Or defiles Hecate's shrine, while singing dithyrambs, Or any politician who bites off the pay of the poets For being ridiculed in the ancestral rites of Dionysus. All these I warn, and twice I warn, and thrice I warn again, stand aside from our mystical dances; but as for you: arouse the song and the night-long dances, that belong to our festival here.

Chorus Each one boldly marches to the flowery meadows and glens stamping in time jesting, joking and mocking; we've breakfasted enough.

Chorus But onward now and nobly extol The Saving goddess, as you chant the melody, she who claims to save our land as the seasons pass even against Thorycion's will.

Chorus Come now, sing a different strain of hymn to the harvest queen, the goddess Demeter, gracing her with sacred airs.

Chorus Demeter, mistress of our holy rites, be present now and preserve your song and dance. And grant that I may sport and dance the livelong day in safety.

Chorus and that I may say much that is funny and much that is serious and, as befits your festival, may I play and joke and win the day, and wear the victor's crown.

Chorus Now then Summon the god of the hour with your songs the partner of this dance of ours.

Chorus Iacchus, honored by all, deviser of our festal song most sweet, follow us here to the goddess and show us how you travel a long road with ease. Iacchus, lover of the dance, lead me onward,

Chorus for as a joke and to save money you split my sandal and rags, and found a way for us to sport and dance scot-free. Iacchus, lover of the dance, lead me onward,

Chorus For I just now caught a sidelong glance of a very cute girl, a partner in our dance, and through a rip in her robe I saw a titty peeping out. Iacchus, lover of the dance, lead me onward.

Dionysus Well, I'm always ready to join in the fun, and I want to dance with her. Xanthias Me too!

Chorus Do you want to join together and make fun of Archedemos? When he was seven he hadn't grown citizen teeth

Chorus but now he's a big politician amongst the corpses up above. And he takes first prize for villainy.

Chorus And Cleisthenes I hear among the tombstones plucks his rear and rips his cheeks

Chorus beats his breast and bends down low weeping and wailing for Sebinos, the Anaphlystian.

Chorus And Callias they say The son of Horsescrew fights naval battles with a lion skin covering his crack.

Dionysus Could you tell us Where Pluto lives around here? We're strangers, just arrived.

Chorus You needn't go far and don't ask me again, but know that you've come to the very door. Dionysus Pick them up again, my boy. Xanthias This business is nothing but that old cliché “Zeus' Corinth”—it bugs me! Chorus Onward! In the sacred round dance of the goddess, in the flower-bearing grove sporting with all who partake in festival dear to the goddess I will go with the women and girls where they dance all night for the goddess, to bring the sacred torch.

Chorus Let's march to the flowery meadows, blooming with roses, revelling in our fashion with song and fairest dance which the blessed Fates array.

Chorus We alone enjoy the sun and the light who have been initiated and follow the way of piety towards strangers and laymen.

Dionysus Well, how should I knock on the door now? How? How do the natives here knock on doors? Xanthias Don't waste time, take a bite of the door, Just like Heracles, since you've got his form and temper. Dionysus Hey! porter, porter! Aeacus Who is it? Dionysus Heracles the mighty. Aeacus O impious, daring, and most shameless wretch, O villain, double villain, and arch-villain, It was you who came before, and stole my dog, Poor Cerberus! you gagged and seized him, And then ran off—I was guarding him! but now we've got you, Thus the black-hearted Stygian rock and the crag of Acheron dripping with gore can hold you; and the circling hounds of Cocytus and Echidna with her hundred heads shall tear your entrails; your lungs will be attacked by the Tartesian Eel, your kidneys bleeding with your very entrails the Tithrasian Gorgons will rip apart. To them I will direct my hasty foot. Xanthias Hey, what'd you do? Dionysus I made a mess. Call the god. Xanthias Ridiculous! Quick, get up, before some stranger sees you! Dionysus But I feel faint Bring me the sponge, and place it near my heart. Xanthias Here. Dionysus Please apply it. Xanthias Where? O golden Gods! Is that where you have your heart? Dionysus It was terrified, and crept into my bowels down below. Xanthias Of Gods and men you surely are the biggest coward. Dionysus Who, me? A coward? how so? Didn't I ask you for the sponge? Another man would not have acted thus. Xanthias What would he do? Dionysus A coward would have lain down flat, and smelt unpleasant— I stood upright and wiped myself besides. Xanthias A manly act, by Poseidon. Dionysus God, I think so. But weren't you scared of that rumble of words and threats? Xanthias God no! I didn't even notice. Dionysus Well now, since you're so brave and heroic, you be me, and take my club and lion skin, if you've got fearless guts. And I will be the porter in your place. Xanthias Give me that stuff quick; I cannot but obey. Now look upon the Xanthian Heracles, And see if I will be a coward and lose heart like you. Dionysus Oh no, you'll be a regular whipping-boy of Melite, Let's go, I'll take up the pack here.

Enter female servant of Persephone. Servant O dearest Heracles, you've returned! Come right in. When the goddess heard you'd arrived, right off she had us bake loaves of bread, and boil two or three pots of ground pea soup; and roast a whole ox; bake cakes and cookies; do come in. Xanthias Fine, I'm much obliged, but... Servant By Apollo, I will not let you go away, since she's also stewing up some flesh of fowls, and cooked desserts, and mixed her sweetest wine. So please come in. Xanthias Very nice, but... Servant You're kidding. I won't let go of you. There's also a flute-girl for you inside, a beauty, and other dancing girls some two or three. Xanthias What'd you say? dancing girls? Xanthias Ripe to bursting and freshly plucked. Come inside, since the cook was just about to take off the fillets, and the table's coming in. Xanthias Go on, and first tell the dancing girls who are inside that I myself am coming in: Follow, slave, and bring my baggage. Dionysus You, stop! You're not really serious, since I dressed you up as Heracles for a joke. Stop fooling around, Xanthias; Pick the bags back up and bring them along. Xanthias What? surely you don't intend to take away from me what you gave me yourself. Dionysus No maybes, I'm doing it. Take off the hide. Xanthias I'll sue you! and entrust my case to the gods. Dionysus Which gods? To expect that you—isn't it vain and foolish? that you, a slave and mortal, could be Alcmena's son? Xanthias Well, never mind, fine; take them, but maybe soon you'll need me, if god so wills.

They change again. Chorus This is the mark of a man who's got wit and brains and has sailed around the block a few times: to roll himself over to the prospering side rather than stand like a graven image, taking a single position. But to change for the softer is the mark of a clever man, a true Theramenes. Dionysus Wouldn't this be a laugh, if Xanthias, my slave, upturned on Milesian blankets, kissing his dancing girl, asked me for a chamber pot, and I, looking right at him, grabbed his cucumber, and he, being a bully himself, saw me, and socked me on the jaw with his fist, knocking out my front row teeth.

Enter Landladies, Pandokeutria and Plathane. Pandokeutria Plathane, Plathane, come here! Here's the villain that once came to our inn And ate up sixteen loaves. Plathane By Zeus, That's the very one. Xanthias Trouble's here for somebody. Pandokeutria And twenty boiled beeves, on top of that, at half a buck apiece. Xanthias Some one will catch it now. Pandokeutria Lots of garlic, too. Dionysus Surely you jest, good woman; You don't know what you're saying. Pandokeutria What! Did you think that, because you're wearing those booties, I wouldn't recognise you? Plathane What else? I've not yet mentioned the pickled fish, oh no, and the new cheese, the wretch, that he devoured baskets and all. Pandokeutria Then, when I figured out the price, He looked straight in my face, and bellowed fierce. Xanthias That's his doing all right, it's his manner everywhere. Pandokeutria Then he drew his sword, and seemed insane. Plathane He did! poor woman! Pandokeutria We both were terrified, We ran up to the loft at once; but he took off—after grabbing our rugs. Xanthias That's his way as well— Plathane But we should take some action. Pandokeutria Go on and call my patron Cleon. Plathane And if you meet Hyperbolus, summon him for me so we can rub this guy out. Pandokeutria Detested throat! How I'd love to take a rock and smash your molars out, with which you ate up all my wares. Plathane And I could throw you in the deepest pit. Pandokeutria And I should like to take a scythe, and slice the throat that swallowed up my tripe. Plathane But I'm going after Cleon, who'll deliver a summons and reel it out of him today. Dionysus Now may I die, but, Xanthias, I do love you. Xanthias I know what you're thinking, I know; but stop, not another word. I won't be Heracles again. Dionysus Don't say that, Xanthias. Xanthias How could I ever be Alcmene's son, since I'm a slave and mortal too? Dionysus I know you're angry, I know, and you've every right to be. Even if you beat me, I'd never contradict you. But if I ever take anything from you in time to come, may I be cut off root and branch! May I myself, my wife, my children perish, and cock-eyed Archedemus, all together! Xanthias I accept the oath, and on these terms I'll take them.

Chorus Now again it's your job, since you've taken the robe, which you had at the start, again to rejuvenate yourself, and cast an awful glance, mindful of the god, to whom you liken yourself. But if you're caught babbling or emit some cowardly sound, you'll have to pick up the baggage again. Xanthias Not bad advice, my friends, And I just happened to think this myself. Since if there's anything good, he'll try to take this back from me I know full well. But nonetheless I'll show myself manly of heart and spicy of look. I think I'll need to, since I hear just now a knock on the door.

Enter Aeacus. Aeacus Quick, bind this dogthief, so he'll pay the penalty. Hurry up! Dionysus Trouble's here for somebody. Xanthias Go to blazes! Don't come near me! Aeacus Oho, you put up a fight? Ditylas, Skeblias, and Pardocas, come here and fight this guy. Dionysus Isn't it awful that this fellow puts up a fight swiping other people's goods besides? Aeacus Just monstrous. Dionysus Downright mean and awful. Xanthias I swear by God I'm willing to die, if ever I came here before, or stole anything of yours that's worth a hair. And I'll do the noble thing by you. Here, take this slave of mine, and torture him, And if you find that I've done wrong, take me out and kill me. Aeacus How may I torture him? Xanthias Every way; tie him to a ladder, hang him, flog him with spikes, flay him, twist him, pour vinegar up his nose, pile up loads of bricks, everything else except Don't beat him with a leek or tender onion. Aeacus A fair offer! And if I should cripple your boy in the beating, you'll get compensation. Xanthias No, not for me. Just take him away and torture him. Aeacus No, I will do it here; so he'll confess before your eyes Quick, you, put down your pack, and make sure you tell no lies. Dionysus I forbid anyone from torturing me, an immortal. Or else you'll have yourself to blame. Aeacus What'd you say? Dionysus I say that I am Dionysus, son of Zeus, And this man is my slave. Aeacus You hear that? Xanthias I do. So much more reason he should be whipped. Because, if he is a god, he won't feel it. Dionysus Well, then, since you too claim to be a god: Why not get hit as many blows as me? Xanthias A fair offer! whichever of us two You first see cry or noticing at all being beaten, be sure he's not the God. Aeacus It's for certain you are an honest fellow, You go for justice. Now strip, you both. Xanthias How will you fairly judge? Aeacus Easily; Blow for blow each one. Xanthias Good idea. Aeacus There! Xanthias Watch if you see me flinch. Aeacus I already hit you! Xanthias You did not. Aeacus I guess I didn't. So now I'll go and whack this guy. Dionysus Well, when? Aeacus Why, I hit you! Dionysus Then why didn't I even sneeze? Aeacus I don't know. I'll try this one again. Xanthias Well, hurry up—wahoo! Aeacus What's this wahoo? That didn't hurt, did it? Xanthias O no, I just thought Of the Herculean feast at Diomeia. Aeacus A holy man—and now I've got to go back here. Dionysus O, Whoa! Aeacus What is it? Dionysus I see some horsemen. Aeacus So why are you crying? Dionysus Because I smell onions. Aeacus Then you don't notice anything? Dionysus Don't mind at all. Aeacus Well, in that case, I must go back to this one. Xanthias Yow! Aeacus What is it? Xanthias Pull out this thorn. Aeacus What's going on? Got to go back here. Dionysus Apollo, who hast Delos and Pytho... Xanthias He got hurt; didn't you hear? Dionysus Not me, it's just that I was recalling a verse of Hipponax. Xanthias You're getting nowhere— hit him in the side. Aeacus You're right. Now, stick out that belly! Dionysus Poseidon— Xanthias Someone got hurt. Dionysus —who rules the Aegean headlands and in the gray sea's depths— Aeacus I swear by Demeter that I can't discover Which of you is the God: but come on in. My master himself will soon find out, and Persephone, since they are gods themselves. Dionysus Now you're making sense. I only wish that you had done that before I took those whacks.

Chorus Muse of the sacred dances, advance and come to enjoy my song, to see the great throng of people, where wits sit by the thousand more honorable than Cleophon, on whose babbling lips roars terribly a Thracian swallow sitting on an alien leaf. She rumbles her sorrowful nightingale's song, since he will perish even in case of a tie.

Chorus It is right and just for our sacred chorus to advise and teach what's good for the city. So first it seems best to us to equalize the citizens and take away their fears. And if anyone went astray, tripped by the wrestling moves of Phrynichus, I say it should be possible for those who slipped up then to plead their cause and erase their previous mistakes. Because it's disgraceful that those who fought just once at sea should suddenly be Plataeans and masters instead of slaves. No, even this I couldn't say wasn't well and good, in fact, I praise it. It's the only sensible thing you did. But it's also fair, for people who've fought so much at sea with you, as did their fathers, people who are related to your race that you let pass their one misfortune, as they request. But letting up on your anger, you who are wisest in nature, let's gladly make everyone our kinsman and full-fledged citizens too, who's ever fought for us at sea. But if we swell up with pride at this, and give the city airs, especially since we're in the grasp of the waves, in time to come again we'll get a reputation for stupidity.

Chorus If I'm a fair judge of the life and habits of a man who will yet come to grief, not long will this annoying ape Cleigenes the tiny, the nastiest bathman of all who rule the ash-mixed polluted soda lye and the Cimolian earth, not long will he be around. But knowing this he's no pacifist, lest he ever be stripped while wandering drunk without his staff.

Chorus Many times it seems to us the city has done the same thing with the best and the brightest of its citizens as with the old coinage and the new gold currency. For these, not counterfeit at all, but the finest it seems of all coins, and the only ones of the proper stamp, of resounding metal amongst Greeks and foreigners everywhere, we never use, but the inferior bronze ones instead, minted just yesterday or the day before with the basest stamp. So too the citizens whom we know to be noble and virtuous, and righteous and true men of quality and trained in the palaestra and dancing and music, these we despise, but the brazen foreigners and redheads worthless sons of worthless fathers, these we use for everything, these latest parvenus, whom the city before this wouldn't have lightly used even for random scapegoats. But now, you dimwits, change your ways, and employ the good ones again. And if you succeed, it's praiseworthy. But if you stumble, at least you'll hang from a respectable tree— So wise men will think, if anything happens to you.

Enter Xanthias and Aeacus Aeacus By Zeus our Saviour, a real gentleman is your master. Xanthias Of course he's a real gentleman, he only knows how to drink and screw. Aeacus But not to beat you then and there when it was proved that you're the slave but claimed to be the master! Xanthias He'd sure regret it. Aeacus That's a right slavish thing you did just now, the kind of thing I like to do myself. Xanthias Beg pardon, you like that? Aeacus Even more, I'm practically in ecstasy When I curse my master behind his back. Xanthias What about your grumbling, when after getting a good beating you run outside? Aeacus I love that too. Xanthias And what of meddling? Aeacus It's like nothing else I know, by God. Xanthias Zeus of Family Ties! And eavesdropping on the masters when they gossip? Aeacus It drives me even crazier. Xanthias What about blabbing it all to outsiders? Aeacus Who, me? God, when I do that, I stain my pants. Xanthias Phoebus Apollo! Put your right hand there, Let me kiss you—you kiss me too, and tell me By Zeus, who is our fellow whipping boy, What's all this noise inside and shouting and abuse? Aeacus That's Euripides and Aeschylus. Xanthias Huh? Aeacus Big, big trouble's stirring among the dead, and nasty civil war. Xanthias For what? Aeacus There is a custom established here, in all the great and noble arts that the best man in his own field of talent gets his meals in the Town Hall, and the seat next to Pluto... Xanthias I get it. Aeacus Until someone wiser in the art arrives Than he, and then must he give way. Xanthias So why has this disturbed Aeschylus? Aeacus He held the chair of tragedy, As the mightiest in that art. Xanthias And who does now? Aeacus Why, when Euripides came down, he started showing off to the muggers and the pickpockets, parricides, and burglars, and that's the majority in Hades—and listening to his speeches pro and con, and twists and turns, they went crazy and hailed him the wisest. Then he, all excited, claimed the throne where Aeschylus was sitting. Xanthias And wasn't he bombarded? Aeacus Lord no, the plebs cried out to have a trial, to see which was the better dramatist. Xanthias The crowd of rascals? Aeacus Oh yes, as high as heaven. Xanthias Didn't Aeschylus have others to take his side? Aeacus The best's a small group, just like here. Xanthias And what is Pluto planning to do? Aeacus To hold the contest right away, and a trial and test of their skill. Xanthias And how is it then that Sophocles didn't claim the throne as well?

Aeacus Not him, by Zeus, but he kissed Aeschylus When he arrived, and shook his hand, And yielded the chair to him. Now he intends, so says Cleidemides, to sit out in reserve. And if Aeschylus wins, he'll stay put; if not, he said he'd fight against Euripides for the sake of his art. Xanthias So this thing will really happen? Aeacus Yes, just a little later, and here there'll be an awful commotion. For poetry will be measured out on scales! Xanthias What? They're going to weigh tragedy by the ounce? Aeacus And they'll bring out rulers and verbal yardsticks, and flexible frames, Xanthias Then they'll be making bricks? Aeacus And bevels and wedges. Because Euripides says he'll test the plays word by word. Xanthias I guess Aeschylus is taking it pretty hard. Aeacus Well, he lowered his head and cast a bullish glance. Xanthias And who's to be the judge? Aeacus That was difficult. You'll find a shortage of sophisticated men. Aeschylus didn't get along with the Athenians— Xanthias Maybe he thought most of them were crooks. Aeacus And he considered the rest trash for judging the essence of poets: so to your master they turned, since he has experience in the art. But let's go in; for when masters are in a hurry, it means trouble for us.

Chorus Surely the dreadful thunderer will feel wrath within him as he looks at the rival whetting his babbling tusk. Then his eyes will spin with awful madness.

Chorus There will be the helmet-blazing strife of horse-crested phrases; Axle-splinterings as the chisel-working fellow defends himself against the horse-galloping utterances of the mind-building man.

Chorus Bristling the shaggy-necked mane of his natural-hair crest, Knitting his terrible brow, bellowing, he will launch bolt-fastened utterances, ripping them apart board by board with gigantic blast of breath.

Chorus Then the mouth-worker, tester of phrases, smooth tongue, unfurling, stirring the reins of envy, dissecting the utterances, will quibble away the great labor of his lungs.

Euripides I will never yield the chair, no more advice; For I claim to be this man's superior in the art. Dionysus Why are you silent, Aeschylus? You hear what he says. Euripides First he'll put on solemn airs, just as so often he used to pull those hoaxes in his tragedies. Dionysus My good sir, don't talk so high and mighty. Euripides I know him well, and have long examined him, creator of crude characters, stubborn-mouthed, he's got an unbridled, uncontrolled, ungated mouth uncircumlocuitous, brag-bundle-voiced. Aeschylus Is that right, you child of the garden goddess? You call me that, you gossip-gathering beggar-making son of a rag-stitcher? You'll be sorry for saying that. Dionysus Cease, Aeschylus, Don't heat up your innards with wrath so angrily. Aeschylus Oh no, not before I thoroughly expose this cripple-creator for the braggart that he is. Dionysus A sheep, a black sheep, boys, bring one out, for a typhoon is fixing to let loose! Aeschylus You collector of Cretan arias bringing unholy wedlocks to our art— Dionysus Hold on there, much-distinguished Aeschylus: And you, you rogue Euripides, get out of the way of this hailstorm, if you are wise, lest with some heady phrase he crack your skull in anger and spill out your Telephus. And you, don't get angry, Aeschylus, but gently test and be tested; it's just not proper for poets to abuse each other like fishwives. But you roar like an oak on fire.

Euripides I am prepared, and do not delay, to bite, be bitten first, if that's his preference, as to the lines and lyrics, the sinews of a tragedy, I swear by Zeus, by Peleus, and by Aeolus, by MeIeager too, and even more, by Telephus. Dionysus And what do you plan to do? Speak, Aeschylus. Aeschylus I didn't want to join in battle here; Our combat will not be on equal terms. Dionysus How so? Aeschylus My Poetry did not die with me, as his has died with him, so he'll have it to recite. But nonetheless since you prefer, it must be done. Dionysus Come now, someone bring incense and fire, So I can pray before the show of wits to judge this contest most aesthetically. And you, sing a song to the Muses. Chorus Ye Nine virgin daughters of Zeus, blessed Muses, who look down upon the subtle-speaking clever wits of phrase-forging men, when to strife they come, debating with fiercely studied, crooked wrestling holds, come to observe the power of most awesome mouths to provide sayings and sawdust of words. For now the great contest of skill is getting down to business. Dionysus Now, both say a prayer before speaking your verses. Aeschylus Demeter, nourisher of my mind, grant that I be worthy of thy mysteries! Dionysus Now you too take and offer incense. Euripides Fine, but I have other gods I pray to. Dionysus Your own private ones, newly minted? Euripides Yes, indeed. Dionysus Well, pray away to these private Gods. Euripides O air, my sustenance, and pivot of my tongue, and intelligence, and olfactory nostrils, may I stoutly refute whatever words I seize!

Chorus Truly do we desire to hear from these clever men, what warpath of words you walk on. For their tongue is savage and the temper of both is not without boldness nor their wits lethargic. It seems likely to expect that the one will utter something urbane and finely honed, while the other, pulling up by the root his arguments to attack with, will scatter the many wallows of words.

Dionysus Now you must talk as fast as you can, and see that you both speak elegantly, and no similes or the things someone else might say.

Euripides Well, of myself and what sort of poet I am, I will tell at the end: but first I'll prove that this man was an impostor and a cheat, and how he took the spectators and used to fool the dupes reared with Phrynichos. First, he'd wrap up and sit down someone or other, An Achilles, or Niobe, not showing the face, a facade of tragedy, not mumbling so much as this. Dionysus That's right, they didn't. Euripides And then the chorus boomed four strings of lyric in a row nonstop: but they kept quiet. Dionysus And l enjoyed their silence; that pleased me no less than the babblers now. Euripides Because you were stupid, no doubt about it. Dionysus I think so too. Why did the so-and-so do this? Euripides From fraudulence, so the spectator would sit there waiting for when Niobe would say something. And the play would go on. Dionysus Oh what a villain! How I was fooled by him! Why do you stretch and act uncomfortable? Euripides Because I'm convicting him. And then after he pulled this cheap trick, and the play was already half over, he'd speak a dozen bullish words With eyebrows, crests, some awful witch-faced things, Unknown to the audience. Aeschylus Woe is me, alas. Dionysus Quiet. Euripides Yet not a thing he said was clear— Dionysus Don't saw your teeth. Euripides But Scamanders, or trenches, or shield-adorning bronze-beaten griffon-eagles and horse-cliffed phrases, which it was not easy to construe. Dionysus Ye gods! As for me, “one night did I pass sleepless all the while,” wondering what sort of bird the yellow hipporooster was. Aeschylus You blockhead, it's a symbol engraved on ships. Dionysus I thought it was Eryxis, Philoxenus' son. Euripides Then, did you have to create a rooster in tragedy? Aeschylus You god-detested wretch! What sort of things did you used to compose?

Euripides Not hipporoosters, by God, nor goat-stags, like you, which they depict on Persian tapestries. But when I first received the art from you, she was swollen from bombast and ponderous diction, at once I slimmed her down and took off weight with versicles and strolls and laxative roots, giving a dose of drivel strained from books. Then I nursed it back with monodies— Dionysus —mixing in Cephisophon. Euripides Then I didn't say whatever nonsense occurred to me, nor knead in what I fell upon, But the character who came out first would straightway tell the background of the play. Dionysus Better than your own, by Zeus. Euripides Then from the opening words I permitted nothing idle; my woman spoke, as did the slave as well, Or master, maiden, or old woman. Aeschylus Then really shouldn't you be put to death for daring this? Euripides No, by Apollo, For this was a democratic thing I did. Dionysus Let it go, sir, It's not best for you to digress on that point. Euripides Then, I taught these folks to speak up... Aeschylus I'll say, I wish before that lesson you had split down the middle. Euripides ...And the introduction of subtle rules and squared-off words, to think, to see, to understand, to love to twist, to connive, to suspect the worst, to overthink all things... Aeschylus I'll say. Euripides ...Introducing domestic matters which we're used to and understand, on which I could be tested. For these folks are knowledgeable, and could have criticized my art. But I didn't toss off boasts, drawing them away from common sense, and I didn't scare them, creating Cycnuses and Memnons of the bell-cheeked steeds. You'll recognize the disciples of both this fellow and myself: His are Phormisios and manic Meganeitos Sons of long-beard lancers, pine-tree flesh rippers, but mine are Cleitophon and Theramenes the dandy. Dionysus Theramenes? A clever fellow, an all-round wonder; If he runs into trouble and happens to be close by He's thrown clear of the trouble, no Chian but a Kian.

Euripides Well, to ponder such things, I instructed these folks here, putting logic in my art and scrutiny, so now they notice everything and know through and through most especially how to run the household better than before, and they inquire, “How's this doing? Where's this? Who took that?” Dionysus Yes, by gods! In fact, now every single Athenian goes inside and yells to his servants and asks, “Where's my pot? Who's eaten off the head of my sardine; My bowl of yesteryear—has it perished? Where is yesterday's garlic? Who nibbled at the olive?” Before now the biggest dummies gaping mamma's boys would just sit like blockheads.

Chorus. See'st thou this, shining Achilles? Come now, what will you say to that? Just be sure that your temper doesn't get hold of you and carry you out of bounds. For he has made terrible accusations. But come, O noble one, Do not contradict him in anger, but reef in your sails, use only the tips, then little by little you'll bring her to and watch out for when you may catch a calmed and gentle breeze.

Dionysus Oh, you who first of the Greeks built solemn phrases and decorated tragic nonsense, take heart and let loose your spout.

Aeschylus I am indignant at this encounter, and it gripes my guts, if I have to argue against this fellow—but so that he can't say I was helpless,— Answer me, why should one admire a poet? Euripides For cleverness, and giving good advice, since we improve the people in the cities. Aeschylus So if you haven't done this, but turned them from fine and decent types into villains, what will you say you deserve to suffer? Dionysus Death: don't ask him. Aeschylus Consider now what kind of men he first received from me if they were generous and six feet tall, no runaway citizens, no loafers, rascals, like now, nor miscreants, but men who breathed spears and lances, white-crested helmets, and headgear, and greaves and sevenfold oxhide tempers. Dionysus This is really getting bad: he'll crush me with his helmet-making. Euripides And what did you do to teach men to be so noble? Dionysus Speak, Aeschylus; don't be a stubborn highfalutin' sorehead. Aeschylus I composed a drama filled with Mars. Dionysus Which one? Aeschylus The Seven against Thebes. Everyone who saw it fell in love with being fierce. Dionysus That was a bad thing you did, since you made the Thebans more courageous in war. For that at least get whacked. Aeschylus You could have trained for this as well, but you weren't so inclined. Then, producing The Persians after that, I taught them to yearn to beat the enemy; this finest feat did I honor. Dionysus Well, I rejoiced when you lamented for the death of Darius, and the chorus straightway clapped their hands like this and said, “Ee-ow!” Aeschylus This is the stuff poets should work on. Just look right from the start how useful the noble race of poets has been. For Orpheus taught us rites and to refrain from killing, And Musaeus taught the cures of illness and oracles, and Hesiod the working of the land, harvest seasons, plowing. Divine Homer, Where did he get honor and glory if not from teaching useful things, battle lines, courageous deeds, men's armory? Dionysus But I bet he didn't teach Pantacles, that clumsy oaf. The other day, when he was parading, He fastened his helmet on first and then was going to tie on the crest! Aeschylus And many other brave men too, of which the hero Lamachos was one; from Homer, my brain composed many great feats of valor, of Patrocluses, lion-hearted Teucrians, so I could rouse the citizenry to strive to equal them, when it hears the call to arms. But by God, I never created whores like Phaedra and Sthenoboea No one's ever known me to write about any woman in love.

Euripides No sir, you've got nothing to do with Aphrodite. Aeschylus And may she stay away! But she settled down on you and yours in force, and destroyed your very self. Dionysus By God, that she did. What you used to do to other mens's wives, you got hit with yourself. Euripides And how have my Stheneboeas harmed the state, you wretch? Aeschylus Since you persuaded noble ladies, wives of noble men to drink hemlock out of shame because of people like that Bellerophon of yours. Euripides So did I make up some non-existent story about Phaedra? Aeschylus No, it existed. But a poet should conceal wickedness, not bring it forward and teach it. For little boys have a teacher who advises them, and grown-ups have poets. We have a serious obligation to speak of honorable things. Euripides So, if you speak to us of Lycabettuses and the heights of Parnassuses, this is “teaching honorable things”, when a poet ought to speak in human terms? Aeschylus You fiend! It is the compelling power of great thoughts and ideas to engender phrases of equal size. And anyway it is proper that demigods speak in grander terms. For they also wear much finer clothes. What I so nobly exhibited you defiled. Euripides What did I do? Aeschylus First you dressed the kingly types in rags, so they'd look pitiful to the audience. Euripides And what harm did I do by that? Aeschylus Because of that, no wealthy man was willing to fund the navy, but wrapped in rags he weeps and claims he's poor. Dionysus By Demeter, yes, but wearing a tunic of pure wool underneath! And if he fooled 'em with that story, he'd pop up in the fish market. Aeschylus Then again, you taught them to practice drivel and gossip, which emptied the gymnasia and ruined the butts of our prattling youths, and persuaded the Paralian crews to argue with their officers. But when I was alive, they knew nothing but to call for grits and sing Yo-ho! Dionysus Yessir, and fart in the face of their rowing mate, dump on their mess partner, go ashore and rob someone. But now he argues and doesn't row, and sails to and fro.

Aeschylus Of what crimes is he not guilty? Didn't he show pimps, women giving birth in temples, sleeping with their brothers, claiming that life is not life? And then our state is filled with these bureaucrats and oafish democratic apes always cheating the people, and there's no one able to carry the torch any more because of lack of training. Dionysus No sir, not any more! So that I laughed myself dry at the Panathenaic games, when some slow guy ran, hunched over, pale, drunk, left behind and doing miserably. And then the folks of the Ceramicus at the gates hit his stomach, ribs, sides, butt, and he, getting whacked with their hands, broke wind, blew out the torch and ran away.

Chorus Great the event, abundant the strife, grand the war that advances. So it's hard work to choose when one strains violently, while the other can twist around and bear down sharply. But don't just sit where you are. For the attacks of wit are many and varied. So for what you have to quarrel over, speak out, lay on, beat up, the old stuff and the new, and dare to say something subtle and smart.

Chorus But if you're both afraid that our spectators lack a certain amount of knowledge, so as not to appreciate the fine points of what you say, don't worry about that, since that is no longer the case. For they are seasoned veterans and each one has a book and understands the clever stuff. Their minds are superior anyway, but now they're really sharpened. So fear not, but scrutinize every topic, for the audience's sake at least, since they're so sophisticated.

Euripides All right then, I'll turn to your prologues themselves, so that first of all I can test the first section of this clever poet's tragedy. For he was unclear in the explanation of events. Dionysus Which one of his will you test? Euripides Quite a lot. First, recite to me the start of the Oresteia. Dionysus Now silence, every one! Speak, Aeschylus. Aeschylus “Subterranean Hermes, guardian of my father's realms, Become my savior and my ally, in answer to my prayer. For I am come and do return to this my land.” Dionysus Do you have something to criticize in this? Euripides More than a dozen. Dionysus But the whole thing wasn't more than three lines. Euripides And each one has twenty mistakes. Dionysus I warn you to keep quiet, Aeschylus—if not, on top of these three verses you'll wind up owing more. Aeschylus ME be quiet for HIM? Dionysus If you take my advice. Euripides Right off he made mistakes as high as heaven. Aeschylus You see that you're ranting! Euripides Doesn't bother me in the least. Aeschylus What mistakes do you claim I make? Euripides Repeat it from the start one more time. Aeschylus “Subterranean Hermes, guardian of my father's realms,”— Euripides Doesn't Orestes say this at the grave Of his dead father? Aeschylus I grant that much. Euripides Well, seeing that his father died a death of violence, slain by a woman's hand, in a secret plot, how can he say that Hermes guarded anything? Dionysus Not that one, but the Luck-Bringer Hermes he called “Subterranean”, and he made it clear by saying that he has this function from his father. Euripides You made an even bigger mistake than I imagined. For if he has this underground junction from his father— Dionysus Then he'd be a grave robber on his father's side. Aeschylus Dionysus, the wine you drink doesn't smell too good. Dionysus Recite another for him. And you watch out for damage. Aeschylus “Become my savior and my ally, in answer to my prayer. For I am come and do return to this my land.” Euripides Sage Aeschylus has said the same thing twice. Dionysus How twice? Euripides Look at his words and I'll tell you. “I am come to this my land”, he says, “and do return.” To come is the same thing as to return.

Dionysus Right! just as if a man said to his neighbour, Lend me a dish, and, if you please, a saucer. Aeschylus That's not so at all, you blabbermouth, It's not the same, but uses the best choice of words. Euripides How so? Show me what you're talking about. Aeschylus To come to a land is for someone who owns a fatherland. An exile both arrives and does return. Dionysus Well done, by Apollo ! What do you say, Euripides? Euripides I deny Orestes returned home , For he came secretly, without permission of the authorities. Dionysus Well done, by Hermes! But I don't know what you mean. Euripides Continue now with another. Dionysus Yes, do go on, Aeschylus, hurry up. And you look out for something bad. Aeschylus “At this tomb-mound do I my sire entreat To hear and listen.” Euripides This is another thing he repeats. “To hear and listen” are clearly the same thing. Dionysus Because he was speaking to the dead, you idiot, whom we don't even reach with the triple lament. Aeschylus Well, how did you make prologues? Euripides I'll tell you. And if I ever I say the same word twice, or if you see padding in there irrelevant to the plot, spit on me. Dionysus Speak, come on. For I cannot but hear the correctness of your prologue's diction. Euripides “At first was Oedipus a prosperous man.” Aeschylus Good Lord, not at all; he was ill-starred by nature. Before his birth Apollo said that he would kill his father, even before he was begotten! How could he at first have been a lucky man? Euripides “Then he became in turn the wretchedest of mortals.” Aeschylus No, not at all; he never ceased to be. How's that? Since as soon as he was born, they exposed him in a broken pot at wintertime, so he wouldn't grow up to be his father's murderer. Then he dragged himself to Polybus on swollen feet, after that he married an old woman, though young himself, and on top of that she was his own mother. Then he blinded himself. Dionysus So he was happy then, at least if he had campaigned with Erasinides. Euripides You're fooling; I craft my prologues beautifully. Aeschylus Oh really? Well, by Zeus, not word by word will I grate each phrase of yours, but with the Gods' help, I'll demolish your prologues with a little oil flask. Euripides My prologues with an oil flask? Aeschylus A single one. For you compose in such a way that everything fits in, a little fleece, a little oil flask and little bag, in your iambics. I'll prove it here and now. Euripides Look here! You'll prove it? Aeschylus I say so. Dionysus Well, then, you've got to speak.

Euripides “Aegyptus, so the widespread rumor runs, With fifty children in a long-oared boat, Landing near Argos”— Aeschylus Lost his little oil flask! Dionysus What was this “oil flask”? You'll be sorry! Recite for him another prologue, so I can see once more. Euripides “Dionysus, who with thyrsus wands and fawnskins bedecked amidst the pines on Mt. Parnassus bounds dancing...” Aeschylus Lost his little oil flask! Dionysus Alas, again we have been stricken by that flask. Euripides It won't be a problem. For to this prologue he won't be able to attach that flask. “No man exists, who's altogether blest, Either nobly sired he has no livelihood Or else base-born he ...” Aeschylus Lost his little oil flask! Dionysus Euripides! Euripides What is it? Dionysus I think you should pull in your sails; that oil flask is going to blow up quite a storm. Euripides By Demeter, I wouldn't think of it. For this one here will knock it away from him. Dionysus Go on and recite another then, but keep away from the flask! Euripides “Abandoning the town of Sidon, Cadmus, Agenor's son,...” Aeschylus Lost his little oil flask! Dionysus My fine fellow, buy the flask; so he can't smash our prologues. Euripides What! I should buy it from him? Dionysus If you take my advice. Euripides Oh no; for I have many prologues to recite, Where he can't tack on a flask. “To Pisa Pelops, son of Tantalus, Borne on swift coursers”— Aeschylus Lost his little oil flask! Dionysus You see, he stuck on the flask again. But, dear sir, pay him now by all means. You'll get it for an obol, nice and neat. Euripides Not yet, by Zeus; I still have plenty left. “From the land once Oeneus”— Aeschylus Lost his little oil flask! Euripides Let me say the whole line first! “From the land once Oeneus reaped a plenteous crop, The first fruits offering”— Aeschylus Lost his little oil flask! Dionysus In the midst of sacrificing? Who swiped it? Euripides Leave it be, sir, just let him speak to this— “Zeus, as once was spoke in very truth”— Dionysus You'll get killed, for he'll say “Lost his little oil flask!” This oil flask, it grows on your prologues like warts on the eyes. For God's sake turn to his lyrics. Euripides All right; I have ways to show how bad a songwriter he is and always makes them just the same.

Chorus Whatever will happen now? I can only imagine what complaints he will make against the man who wrote by far the most and finest songs up to now. (I wonder how he'll criticize this man the Dionysiac lord And I fear for him.) Euripides Quite marvelous songs, as this will soon make clear. For I'll condense all his songs into one point. Dionysus Well then, I'll grab some pebbles and keep score. Euripides “O Phthian Achilles, if you hear the manslaughtering crash, ah, why do you not come to our aid? To Hermes we, the ancestral race, pay homage by the lake, crash, ah, why do you not come to our aid? Dionysus That's two crashes for you, Aeschylus. Euripides “Most glorious of the Achaeans, far-ruling son of Atreus, learn of me, crash, ah, why do you not come to our aid?” Dionysus This is your third crash, Aeschylus. Euripides Be still. The Bee-nuns draw near to open the temple of Artemis. Crash, ah, why do you not come to our aid? I am charged with uttering the heroes' fateful command of the journey, crash, ah, why do you not come to our aid? Dionysus King Zeus, what a load of crashes! I for one want to go to the bathhouse, For my kidneys are swollen with all this crashing. Euripides Don't, before you hear another set of odes assembled from his melodies for the lyre. Dionysus Go on, continue, but leave out the crash. Euripides “How the twin-throned power of the Achaeans, of Grecian youth, Tophlattothrattoplilattothrat, sends the sphinx, unlucky presiding dog, Tophlattothrattophlattothrat, The swooping bird with spear and avenging hand Tophlattothrattophlattothrat, Granting to the headlong sky-flying dogs to meet Tophlattothrattophlattothrat, The united force against Ajax Tophlattothrattophlattothrat,

Dionysus What is this phlattothrat? Is it from Marathon, or where did you assemble these songs of a rope-twister? Aeschylus Well, to a fine place from a fine place did I bring them, lest I be seen garnering from the same meadow as Phrynichos. But this guy gets them from everywhere, from little whores, Meletus' drinking songs, Carian flute solos, Dirges, dances. This will all be made clear immediately. Someone bring in a lyre. And yet, what need of a lyre for this guy? Where's the girl who clacks the castanets? Hither, Muse of Euripides, for whom these songs are appropriate to sing. Dionysus This Muse never did the Lesbian thing, oh no..

Aeschylus “Halcyon kingfishers, who by the sea's everflowing waves do chatter, moistening the surface of your wings with damp drops bedewing, and ye spiders who in the corners under the roof wi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yind with your fingers loom-stretched threads the cares of the shuttle bard, where the flute-loving dolphin was leaping by the blue-peaked prows oracles and stades. Wine-blooming joy of the vine painkilling spiral of grapes, cast your arms about me, child. ....You see this foot? Dionysus I see it. Aeschylus Well, do you see this one? Dionysus I see it. Aeschylus Well, you write this sort of thing and dare to criticize my lyrics, you composer in the twelve tone style of Cyrene? So much for his songs. I still want to scrutinize the manner of his melodies. Oh dark-shining night's gloom, what woeful dream do you send to me, from unseen Hades' vestibules, possessing a soulless soul, child of black night, hair-raising horrible sight, black-corpse-shrouded, murder, murder envisioning, with long fingernails? Now servants, light my lamp Draw moisture in pitchers from the rivers, and heat water, that I might wash away the divine dream. O Marine Spirit, So that's it. O Housemates, Behold these portents! Snatching my rooster Glyce has fled. Mountain-born Nymphs, O Mania, help! But I, the wretched one happened to be performing my tasks, the spindle full of thread wi-yi-yinding in my hands making a skein, so that at dawn to the market I could bring it to sell. But it has flown away, flown away into the air on the nimblest tips of its wings but to me it left woes, woes, and tears, tears from my eyes I shed, shed, oh wretched me! Now O Cretans, sons of Ida, take your bows and come to the rescue bestir your limbs and circle the house. And also may Child Dictynna, Artemis the fair, bring her doggies and come to my house by all means. And you, daughter of Zeus, upholding twin torches most piercing in your hands, Hecate, shine me towards Glyce's so I can go in and catch her in the act. Dionysus Stop with the songs already. Aeschylus I've had enough, too. For now I want to bring him to the scale which alone will put our poetry to the test. For it will prove the weight of our phrases. Dionysus Then come here, if I really have to do this, to deal with poets just like selling cheese.

Chorus Painstaking are the men of wit, For once again here's another marvel, brand new, full of the unusual, who else could have thought it up? Oh my, I'd never, not if anybody I ran into told me, have believed it, but I would have thought he was talking nonsense.

Dionysus Come on and stand beside the balance pans. Aeschylus and Euripides Here we are! Dionysus Now, each of you grab hold and speak a verse, and don't let go till I yell “Cuckoo!” Euripides and Aeschylus We holding on. Dionysus Now recite the line into the scales. Euripides “Would that the Argive bark had never winged...” Aeschylus “Stream of Spercheius, haunts of grazing kine...” Dionysus Cuckoo! It's released. And much further down goes this man's side. Euripides Whatever is the reason? Dionysus Because he introduced a stream; like fabric salesmen he made his verse wet just like the wool. But you put in a winged word. Euripides Well, let him say something else and match me. Dionysus Grab hold again. Aeschylus and Euripides All set. Dionysus Speak! Euripides “Persuasion has no other shrine save speech.” Aeschylus “Death is the only God that loves not bribes...” Dionysus Let go, let go! This one's is tilting once again. For he inserted Death, weightiest of ills. Euripides And I Persuasion, a saying beautifully expressed. Dionysus Persuasion is but light, and makes no sense. But this time find some other ponderous line that will pull down on your side, something high and mighty. Euripides Tell me, where oh where do I have something like that? Dionysus I'll tell you. Dionysus “Achilles threw snake eyes and a four”— Please speak, since this is your last weigh-in. Euripides “Heavy with iron was the club his right hand seized.” Aeschylus “Chariot on chariot, corpse on corpse.” Dionysus He fooled you again this time. Euripides In what way? Dionysus Two chariots and two corpses he put in, which not even a hundred Egyptians could ever lift. Aeschylus No more word by word for me; into the scales himself, his kids, the wife, Cephisophon, let him step in and sit down, taking all his books. I'll only speak two verses of mine... Dionysus They are my friends, and I won't judge them. For I will not be on hostile terms with either one. One I consider clever, the other I enjoy.

Pluto Then will you accomplish nothing of what you came for? Dionysus But if I choose the other one? Pluto Take whichever one you choose, And go; so that you won't have come in vain. Dionysus Bless you! Come, listen to this. I came down here for a poet. For what purpose? So that the city might be saved to stage its choruses. So whichever of you will give the state some useful advice, that's the one I think I'll take. Now first, concerning Alcibiades, what opinion does each of you have? For the city is in heavy labor. Euripides What opinion does she have concerning him? Dionysus What opinion? She longs for him, but hates him, and yet she wants him back. But tell me what you two think about him. Euripides I hate that citizen, who, to help his fatherland, seems slow, but swift to do great harm, of profit to himself, but useless to the state. Dionysus Well said, by Poseidon! What's your opinion? Aeschylus You should not rear a lion cub in the city, [best not to rear a lion in the city,] but if one is brought up, accommodate its ways. Dionysus By Zeus the Savior, I can't decide. For one has spoken cleverly, and the other one clearly. Now each of you once more tell me your opinion about the state, what plan you have to save her. Euripides If you feathered Cleocritus with Cinesias, the breezes would lift them over the ocean's plane. Dionysus That would be funny, but what does it mean? Euripides If there were a sea battle, and then they had bottles of vinegar, they could squirt them in the enemies' eyes. I do know and wish to tell. Dionysus Speak. Euripides When we what faithless is do faithful hold And what is faithful faithless... Dionysus How's that? I don't understand. Speak with less erudition and more clarity. Euripides If we distrusted those citizens in whom We now place confidence, and employed those we don't use now, we would be saved. If we now are suffering under the present circumstances, why wouldn't we be saved by doing the opposite? Dionysus Well done, Palamedes, you cleverest creature! Did you discover this yourself, or did Cephisophon? Euripides Just me; but Cephison added the vinegar bottles. And what about you? What do you say? Aeschylus As to the state, now tell me, first, what people does she employ? The good ones, perhaps? Dionysus Where'd you get that idea? She hates them worst of all— Aeschylus But loves the scoundrels? Dionysus No, she really doesn't. She uses them perforce. Aeschylus How could anyone save such a city, that likes neither finespun wool nor scratchy goatskin?

Dionysus Find something, by Zeus, if you're going to rise up again. Aeschylus There I would speak, but here I do not wish. Dionysus Don't say that, but send up some good advice from here. Aeschylus When they consider the land of the enemy to be their own, and their own the enemy's, their ships a revenue, and their revenue a loss. Dionysus Right, except the juries guzzle it by themselves. Pluto Please decide. Dionysus This will be my decision for them: I'll choose the one my soul desires. Euripides Remember now the Gods by whom you swore to take me home, and choose your friends. Dionysus My tongue did swear, but Aeschylus I choose. Euripides What have you done, filthiest of men? Dionysus Who, me? I decided that Aeschylus wins. Why not? Euripides You did this foulest deed, and look me in the face? Dionysus What's foul, if the audience thinks not so? Euripides You brute, will you neglect me now I'm dead? Dionysus Who knows if to live is not to die? To breathe to dine, and sleep a rug? Pluto Step inside then, Dionysus. Dionysus What for? Pluto So I may feast you two before you sail off. Dionysus Good idea! By god, I'm not averse to that

Chorus Blessed is the man having perfected intelligence. One can learn this in many ways. For this man of proven good sense will go back home again for the good of his citizens, for the good of his own relatives and friends, on account of being intelligent.

Chorus So it is refined not by Socrates to sit and chatter casting aside the pursuits of the Muses and neglecting what's most important in the art of tragedy. But to spend time idly in pompous words and frivolous word-scraping is the act of a man going crazy.

Pluto Well then, farewell, Aeschylus, go and save our city with noble sentiments, and educate the dunces. There's plenty of them. And take this sword and give it to Cleophon, and this rope to the tax collectors Myrmex and Nicomachus and this hemlock to Archenomus. And tell them to come to me here quickly and not to delay. And if they don't come quickly, by Apollo I'll brand and hobble them and with Adeimantus son of Leucolophus I'll send them quickly under the ground. Aeschylus I'll do it. But you hand over my throne to Sophocles to guard and preserve, if I ever come here again. For him I judge to be second in talent. And remember that that villainous fellow, that liar, that clown will never sit on my throne not even by accident. Pluto Shine now for him your sacred torches, and escort him, extolling him with his songs and dances.

Chorus First grant bon voyage to the departing poet as he rises to the light, ye spirits under the earth, and grant to the city good ideas for great gains. For we would then cease completely from these great woes and dire clashes in arms. But let Cleophon and anyone else who wants to, fight in their ancestral fields