title,selftext,author,num_comments,is_suicide,url,selftext_clean,title_clean,author_clean,selftext_length,title_length,megatext_clean
"Our most-broken and least-understood rules is ""helpers may not invite private contact as a first resort"", so we've made a new wiki to explain it","We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately  mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster.  it usually works out quite differently here than when you say ""PM me anytime"" in a casual social context.  

We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves.  We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.  

Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone.  It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.

*****

###Summary###

**Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement.  Either way, it's unwise to trust them.** 


""PM me anytime"" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea.  Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.

* **By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers.** [The 1-9-90 rule](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1%25_rule_(Internet_culture\)) applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.  

* People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. **Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good.** This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders.  It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole.  Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole.  Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone.  It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue. 

* **If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help**.  (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)  

* In our observation over many years, the people who say ""PM me"" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively.  Community input mitigates these limitations. **There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny**.  If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.  

*  We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others.  These people *do* want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. **If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers.** This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.

* If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.",SQLwitch,133,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/doqwow/our_mostbroken_and_leastunderstood_rules_is/,understand people reply immediately op invitation talk privately mean help type response usually lead either disappointment disaster usually work quite differently say pm anytime casual social context huge admiration appreciation goodwill good citizenship many support others flag inappropriate content even know many struggling hard work behind scene information resource make easier give get quality help small start new wiki page explains detail much better respond public comment least gotten know someone maintained r depression wiki private_contact full text current version summary anyone acting helper invite accepts private contact e pm chat kind offsite communication early conversion showing either bad intention bad judgement either way unwise trust pm anytime seems like kind generous offer might perfectly well meaning unless solid rapport ha established wise idea point consider offer accept invitation communicate privately posting supportive reply publicly help people op response good quality educate inspire helper 1 9 90 rule http en wikipedia org wiki 1 25_rule_ internet_culture applies much doe anywhere else internet people struggling serious mental health issue often justifiably low tolerance disappointment high level ever changing emotional need unless helper able make 100 commitment every way long necessary offering personal inbox resource likely harm good mental health crisis line responder usually give name caller allowed request specific responder much healthier safer caller develop relationship agency whole analogously much safer healthier ops develop relationship community whole even trained responder generally allowed work high intensity situation alone partly availability mostly wider perspective preventing compassion fatigue helper get head someone whose mental health issue including suicidality often comorbid depression escalate pm conversation much harder others including r depression r suicidewatch moderator help contrary common assumption moderator see police pm observation many year people say pm consistently one least understanding mental health issue mental health support gap knowledge ability communicate effectively community input mitigates limitation reason someone truly help would want hide response community scrutiny helper concerned privacy keep mind self disclosure used supportively feeling detail problem use alt throwaway account restriction account age karma know internet used people exploit abuse others people want hide deceptive manipulative response everyone except victim many specifically target vulnerable mental health issue helper invite op talk privately give good supportive experience primed person vulnerable abuser sort cognitive priming tends particularly effective someone state mental health crisis people rely heuristic critical reasoning ops want talk privately posting wide open anonymous forum like reddit might best option although recommend allow ops request private contact asking support want please keep expectation realistic careful look history anyone offer pm opening,broken least understood rule helper may invite private contact first resort made new wiki explain,sql witch,4792,144,sql witch understand people reply immediately op invitation talk privately mean help type response usually lead either disappointment disaster usually work quite differently say pm anytime casual social context huge admiration appreciation goodwill good citizenship many support others flag inappropriate content even know many struggling hard work behind scene information resource make easier give get quality help small start new wiki page explains detail much better respond public comment least gotten know someone maintained r depression wiki private_contact full text current version summary anyone acting helper invite accepts private contact e pm chat kind offsite communication early conversion showing either bad intention bad judgement either way unwise trust pm anytime seems like kind generous offer might perfectly well meaning unless solid rapport ha established wise idea point consider offer accept invitation communicate privately posting supportive reply publicly help people op response good quality educate inspire helper 1 9 90 rule http en wikipedia org wiki 1 25_rule_ internet_culture applies much doe anywhere else internet people struggling serious mental health issue often justifiably low tolerance disappointment high level ever changing emotional need unless helper able make 100 commitment every way long necessary offering personal inbox resource likely harm good mental health crisis line responder usually give name caller allowed request specific responder much healthier safer caller develop relationship agency whole analogously much safer healthier ops develop relationship community whole even trained responder generally allowed work high intensity situation alone partly availability mostly wider perspective preventing compassion fatigue helper get head someone whose mental health issue including suicidality often comorbid depression escalate pm conversation much harder others including r depression r suicidewatch moderator help contrary common assumption moderator see police pm observation many year people say pm consistently one least understanding mental health issue mental health support gap knowledge ability communicate effectively community input mitigates limitation reason someone truly help would want hide response community scrutiny helper concerned privacy keep mind self disclosure used supportively feeling detail problem use alt throwaway account restriction account age karma know internet used people exploit abuse others people want hide deceptive manipulative response everyone except victim many specifically target vulnerable mental health issue helper invite op talk privately give good supportive experience primed person vulnerable abuser sort cognitive priming tends particularly effective someone state mental health crisis people rely heuristic critical reasoning ops want talk privately posting wide open anonymous forum like reddit might best option although recommend allow ops request private contact asking support want please keep expectation realistic careful look history anyone offer pm opening broken least understood rule helper may invite private contact first resort made new wiki explain
Regular Check-In Post,"Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the ""role model"" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share.

We try our best to keep this space as safe and supportive as possible on reddit's wide-open anonymity-friendly platform. The community rules can be found in the sidebar, or under ""Community Info"" in the official mobile apps. If you aren't sure about a rule, please ask us.",circinia,1644,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/exo6f1/regular_checkin_post/,welcome r depression check post place take moment share going accomplishment want talk standalone post sub violate role model rule welcome tough time prefer make post place share try best keep space safe supportive possible reddit wide open anonymity friendly platform community rule found sidebar community info official mobile apps sure rule please ask u,regular check post,c irc,650,21,c irc welcome r depression check post place take moment share going accomplishment want talk standalone post sub violate role model rule welcome tough time prefer make post place share try best keep space safe supportive possible reddit wide open anonymity friendly platform community rule found sidebar community info official mobile apps sure rule please ask u regular check post
"I hate it so much when you try and express your feelings to your parents, but they turn it around and compare your suffering with theirs.","I've been feeling really depressed and lonely lately from my job, I'm a full time late night janitor for a courthouse just 10 miles away from my hometown. Working there has been pretty easy, but I wound up feeling super lonely a lot considering I don't really get to talk to my friends or hang out with them much.

So just today I came home late as usual, and I have a little interaction with my mom after she made a joke to me that I took pretty personal and felts like was more of an insult rather than a sense of humor. I told her that I didn't really want to joke around like that, but she refused to listen and told me to just go away then. Despite attempting to change the topic and explain why I haven't been feeling so high, all she kept doing was telling what a great mom she is for raising me and my brother while struggling to make ends meet and keep the house. What an ungrateful little bastard I am for not appreciating her hard work and sacrifices. 

At that moment I was legitimately about to begin to cry. But rather instead of pausing and trying to reverse the damages, all my mom did was host a little parental style of the oppression Olympics and proclaim her amount of tears and cries over the course of three weeks. I got out just before my first tear would legitimately run down my cheek. 

And even before I went to bed, she goes on about how her life is more worse than ours than ours, then escalates into a more ""This is why you'd make a terrible mistake getting behind the wheel"" considering I had practice driving this morning. Unaware that she had just lite the fuse to trigger the firework, but she didn't seem to care. 

Thanks for reading, I hope you feel better soon and find the key to unlocking your next set of happiness. Along with having a parent who doesn't make your suffering all about them and why you shouldn't be depressed.",TheNewKiller69,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedwbi/i_hate_it_so_much_when_you_try_and_express_your/,feeling really depressed lonely lately job full time late night janitor courthouse 10 mile away hometown working ha pretty easy wound feeling super lonely lot considering really get talk friend hang much today came home late usual little interaction mom made joke took pretty personal felt like wa insult rather sense humor told really want joke around like refused listen told go away despite attempting change topic explain feeling high kept wa telling great mom raising brother struggling make end meet keep house ungrateful little bastard appreciating hard work sacrifice moment wa legitimately begin cry rather instead pausing trying reverse damage mom wa host little parental style oppression olympics proclaim amount tear cry course three week got first tear would legitimately run cheek even went bed go life worse escalates make terrible mistake getting behind wheel considering practice driving morning unaware lite fuse trigger firework seem care thanks reading hope feel better soon find key unlocking next set happiness along parent make suffering depressed,hate much try express feeling parent turn around compare suffering,new killer 69,1866,137,new killer 69 feeling really depressed lonely lately job full time late night janitor courthouse 10 mile away hometown working ha pretty easy wound feeling super lonely lot considering really get talk friend hang much today came home late usual little interaction mom made joke took pretty personal felt like wa insult rather sense humor told really want joke around like refused listen told go away despite attempting change topic explain feeling high kept wa telling great mom raising brother struggling make end meet keep house ungrateful little bastard appreciating hard work sacrifice moment wa legitimately begin cry rather instead pausing trying reverse damage mom wa host little parental style oppression olympics proclaim amount tear cry course three week got first tear would legitimately run cheek even went bed go life worse escalates make terrible mistake getting behind wheel considering practice driving morning unaware lite fuse trigger firework seem care thanks reading hope feel better soon find key unlocking next set happiness along parent make suffering depressed hate much try express feeling parent turn around compare suffering
"I went to the hospital because I was having really bad panic attacks, and theycontinued in there. I ended up collapsing and the nurse who was trying to help me up said, ""You're attention seeking."".","I literally broke down crying and asked to go home, another nurse was watching me while I was crying saying he wanted to keep me longer, as I kept saying I wanted to go home and He said I was ""wasting his time"" by making him watch over me while I asked to cry for a while before leaving. I've never been through anything like this especially when in a hospital and when I was so weak and my chest and throat hurting so much from a panic attack. I just wanted to vent, thank you for reading.",Jazzlecrab,15,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feel0k/i_went_to_the_hospital_because_i_was_having/,literally broke cry asked go home another nurse wa watching wa cry saying wanted keep longer kept saying wanted go home said wa wasting time making watch asked cry leaving never anything like especially hospital wa weak chest throat hurting much panic attack wanted vent thank reading,went hospital wa really bad panic attack theycontinued ended collapsing nurse wa trying help said attention seeking,jazz le crab,490,197,jazz le crab literally broke cry asked go home another nurse wa watching wa cry saying wanted keep longer kept saying wanted go home said wa wasting time making watch asked cry leaving never anything like especially hospital wa weak chest throat hurting much panic attack wanted vent thank reading went hospital wa really bad panic attack theycontinued ended collapsing nurse wa trying help said attention seeking
Cake day for me,"Any kind soul want to give a depressed person karma.


Edit: Thanks everyone and especially from this sub. I hope we all overcome depression some day and take it easy everyone.",Depressed_Kid786,37,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6ua3/cake_day_for_me/,kind soul want give depressed person karma edit thanks everyone especially sub hope overcome depression day take easy everyone,cake day,depressed kid 786,176,15,depressed kid 786 kind soul want give depressed person karma edit thanks everyone especially sub hope overcome depression day take easy everyone cake day
sorry but why the fuck is life like this,literally though. have i done anything wrong,angelshum10,13,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecd9s/sorry_but_why_the_fuck_is_life_like_this/,literally though done anything wrong,sorry fuck life like,angel hum 10,44,40,angel hum 10 literally though done anything wrong sorry fuck life like
I hate love,"why does it hurt so much? Why can’t I be happy without it? There’s this empty void in my heart that gets bigger everyday. I’m just waiting until it eats me up, since I’ll never have 2 sided love.",DaRkNeSSReDCrusader,29,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feb4tq/i_hate_love/,doe hurt much happy without empty void heart get bigger everyday waiting eats since never 2 sided love,hate love,darkness red crusader,195,11,darkness red crusader doe hurt much happy without empty void heart get bigger everyday waiting eats since never 2 sided love hate love
This world has no place for people like me.,"A bit of context. I'm an American. I'm black. I'm big. I'm ugly. And I'm autistic. I work as an aircraft mechanic.

The more I go through every day, the less I see the point of continuing with this life. No one who's gotten to know me as a person wants anything to do with me. People make fun of my quirks all the time - they think they're being funny, but they're being obnoxious. Besides that, the only friends I still have are the ones in high school, who are now so far away. My father, the man who cared about me more than anyone else did, passed away a few years ago from sudden heart and kidney failure, while I was waiting on a connecting flight to visit him.

Besides that, people will only connect with me as much as they need to. I clearly have problems that I do not know how to address. No amount of therapy has fixed those issues.

People cross the street when they see me on the sidewalk. Society here in general doesn't like people like me, with so many people supporting an openly racist president as we regress. I know that I won't ever be able to rely on the cops for anything, because I'm likely to get shot before they figure out what the issue is. I've been racially profiled many times when I lived in New York City. I happened to be stopped for every ""random"" drug search whenever I took the Staten Island ferry while carrying a backpack.

That being the case, the only value of any sort I can provide to society is in the job I do. I'm also doing vocational training for a higher qualification, but every day I'm questioning more and more why I care. More money isn't going to fix me as a person.

The truth is, I'm a mistake. I learned a few years ago that I was adopted at birth. Probably before my new parents knew I would be as difficult as I was. I should've been aborted or left to die.

The prognosis for our world grows more dire every day due to global warming facilitated by old people who don't give a shit about us. There is no reason to believe things will get better - people reject science more and more, and we are going backwards.

Before long, I will have a gun. It will allow me to protect myself where I know law enforcement won't. But it'll also give me the power to choose when I want to die. That, at the very least, will give me peace of mind - knowing I have a way out whenever I need it.

I'm not some ""starving kid in Africa"" or whatever other bullshit people push to those who are discontented, but I have still been dealt a pretty shitty hand in life. I see no reason to keep bothering with it when so many things are wrong with me, and our future will only get worse.",InsertANameHeree,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegd6t/this_world_has_no_place_for_people_like_me/,bit context american black big ugly autistic work aircraft mechanic go every day le see point continuing life one gotten know person want anything people make fun quirk time think funny obnoxious besides friend still one high school far away father man cared anyone else passed away year ago sudden heart kidney failure wa waiting connecting flight visit besides people connect much need clearly problem know address amount therapy ha fixed issue people cross street see sidewalk society general like people like many people supporting openly racist president regress know ever able rely cop anything likely get shot figure issue racially profiled many time lived new york city happened stopped every random drug search whenever took staten island ferry carrying backpack case value sort provide society job also vocational training higher qualification every day questioning care money going fix person truth mistake learned year ago wa adopted birth probably new parent knew would difficult wa aborted left die prognosis world grows dire every day due global warming facilitated old people give shit u reason believe thing get better people reject science going backwards long gun allow protect know law enforcement also give power choose want die least give peace mind knowing way whenever need starving kid africa whatever bullshit people push discontented still dealt pretty shitty hand life see reason keep bothering many thing wrong future get worse,world ha place people like,insert name e,2622,43,insert name e bit context american black big ugly autistic work aircraft mechanic go every day le see point continuing life one gotten know person want anything people make fun quirk time think funny obnoxious besides friend still one high school far away father man cared anyone else passed away year ago sudden heart kidney failure wa waiting connecting flight visit besides people connect much need clearly problem know address amount therapy ha fixed issue people cross street see sidewalk society general like people like many people supporting openly racist president regress know ever able rely cop anything likely get shot figure issue racially profiled many time lived new york city happened stopped every random drug search whenever took staten island ferry carrying backpack case value sort provide society job also vocational training higher qualification every day questioning care money going fix person truth mistake learned year ago wa adopted birth probably new parent knew would difficult wa aborted left die prognosis world grows dire every day due global warming facilitated old people give shit u reason believe thing get better people reject science going backwards long gun allow protect know law enforcement also give power choose want die least give peace mind knowing way whenever need starving kid africa whatever bullshit people push discontented still dealt pretty shitty hand life see reason keep bothering many thing wrong future get worse world ha place people like
I’m not even worthy of being counted during attendance.,"I go to a small school, normally no more than 20 students are in a classroom, yet my teachers don’t even realize I’m in their class most of the time. I have amazing teachers, and they always want to help students learn, but I’m always forgotten about. I’m not slow enough to need special help, I’m not smart enough to need no help though. I’m pretty quiet, and I almost always get interrupted by loud people. If I actually work up the nerve to ask a question in my asshole-filled classes, the teacher gets distracted by two idiots trying to kill each other and forgets about me. 

I know I probably sound like a spoiled child that just wants attention, but I don’t. All I want is to not be forgotten, to not be interrupted, to not be counted absent in a class when I’m always there.",chroms-leather-belt,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fef10i/im_not_even_worthy_of_being_counted_during/,go small school normally 20 student classroom yet teacher even realize class time amazing teacher always want help student learn always forgotten slow enough need special help smart enough need help though pretty quiet almost always get interrupted loud people actually work nerve ask question asshole filled class teacher get distracted two idiot trying kill forgets know probably sound like spoiled child want attention want forgotten interrupted counted absent class always,even worthy counted attendance,ch rom leather belt,782,55,ch rom leather belt go small school normally 20 student classroom yet teacher even realize class time amazing teacher always want help student learn always forgotten slow enough need special help smart enough need help though pretty quiet almost always get interrupted loud people actually work nerve ask question asshole filled class teacher get distracted two idiot trying kill forgets know probably sound like spoiled child want attention want forgotten interrupted counted absent class always even worthy counted attendance
"8 years ago, I posted here, wanting to die. My life is so much better now.","When I was 15-16 years old, I posted here in my darkest moments. I couldn't see any reason to keep living. I thought I was nothing special and the next 8 years seemed like an endless slog. You can look through my post history if you want. 

Since then, I graduated college and graduate school. I have traveled the world. I swam with bioluminescent algae in Indonesia. I've hiked among alpacas in Peru. I learned to speak Spanish fluently and connected with people around the world and in my own country, who speak Spanish too. I've published my writing i  multiple publications. I have fallen in love and had my heart broken several times. I realized I'm gay, came out, and I'm with the most amazing woman. I have a career that I love where I help people every day. I can honestly say that depression may be a lifelong struggle for me, but it is possible to recover and develop tools to cope with it. Every day is a manageable challenge now. Every day I am grateful to just be alive. I am SO GLAD that I didn't kill myself 8 years ago. I never would have known how beautiful my life could become.

Before you think about killing yourself, remember that you don't know how beautiful your life could become. How could you? You have no way of knowing until you get there. But you need to be alive.",deppressionthrowaway,23,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6pvs/8_years_ago_i_posted_here_wanting_to_die_my_life/,wa 15 16 year old posted darkest moment see reason keep living thought wa nothing special next 8 year seemed like endless slog look post history want since graduated college graduate school traveled world swam bioluminescent algae indonesia hiked among alpaca peru learned speak spanish fluently connected people around world country speak spanish published writing multiple publication fallen love heart broken several time realized gay came amazing woman career love help people every day honestly say depression may lifelong struggle possible recover develop tool cope every day manageable challenge every day grateful alive glad kill 8 year ago never would known beautiful life could become think killing remember know beautiful life could become could way knowing get need alive,8 year ago posted wanting die life much better,dep press ion throwaway,1294,74,dep press ion throwaway wa 15 16 year old posted darkest moment see reason keep living thought wa nothing special next 8 year seemed like endless slog look post history want since graduated college graduate school traveled world swam bioluminescent algae indonesia hiked among alpaca peru learned speak spanish fluently connected people around world country speak spanish published writing multiple publication fallen love heart broken several time realized gay came amazing woman career love help people every day honestly say depression may lifelong struggle possible recover develop tool cope every day manageable challenge every day grateful alive glad kill 8 year ago never would known beautiful life could become think killing remember know beautiful life could become could way knowing get need alive 8 year ago posted wanting die life much better
Thank you reddit,"I just fucking hate my life but have to keep fucking acting like everythings fucking fone and happy i cant bring myself to fucking tell anyone how depressed i am but i can post it here and tell you guys, you are my only escape from reality and the only thing that makes me feel less lonely",qwertybombb,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedtxb/thank_you_reddit/,fucking hate life keep fucking acting like everythings fucking fone happy cant bring fucking tell anyone depressed post tell guy escape reality thing make feel le lonely,thank reddit,qwerty bomb b,289,16,qwerty bomb b fucking hate life keep fucking acting like everythings fucking fone happy cant bring fucking tell anyone depressed post tell guy escape reality thing make feel le lonely thank reddit
"I'm tired of caring about other people, but no one caring about me.","Seems like when anyone else in my life is feeling down, I drop everything to help. But when I'm feeling down, I get ignored. Maybe I'm overreacting, but sometimes I just want to feel loved even when I'm depressed.",mircalb,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feh19t/im_tired_of_caring_about_other_people_but_no_one/,seems like anyone else life feeling drop everything help feeling get ignored maybe overreacting sometimes want feel loved even depressed,tired caring people one caring,mirc alb,213,67,mirc alb seems like anyone else life feeling drop everything help feeling get ignored maybe overreacting sometimes want feel loved even depressed tired caring people one caring
I just can't fathom why no one loves me,"My friends hype me up so much, and God love 'em for it, but there's just this enormous disconnect between how valuable they I say I am, and the level of value I feel and witness from potential dates and love interests. I don't know why it has to be this way. I don't know why I should be so painfully alone, and feel so unlovable.",lycanthrope6950,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedkl8/i_just_cant_fathom_why_no_one_loves_me/,friend hype much god love em enormous disconnect valuable say level value feel witness potential date love interest know ha way know painfully alone feel unlovable,fathom one love,lyc th rope 6950,330,39,lyc th rope 6950 friend hype much god love em enormous disconnect valuable say level value feel witness potential date love interest know ha way know painfully alone feel unlovable fathom one love
Can I leave some baggage here,"Im not sure if this is the place to post this but here we go. Apologies in advance this is going to be all over the place, im on mobile and im lost. Not real names, this is a throw away etc etc etc.
Okay so im 22 M I guess I've been dealing with depression for about 8 years. I have anxiety , I'm self conscious and I like to believe im more fucked up than I actually am and if it's okay here I'd like to get it off my chest and talk about my life and where I am now to no one in particular.
I was never the popular kid. I was known but never popular. I was the kid that got picked last for sports or games, never got to play soccer with the other kids because I wasnt good enough, wasnt included in tag or hide and go seek, but I pressed on not knowing what the other kids were bullying me. I got to play lego or slap jack, tic tac toe, you name it, I played by myself. I had about 3 or 4 friends for most of primary school (kindergarten-grade 3). Not knowing how to interact with the other kids I was lonely. I didnt realize I was lonely as it was well normal for me. The world was out to get me and I let it, I had no voice. I didnt know how to stand up to myself for fear of hurting the other person for telling them how I felt. I was never taught how to show emotions or how to use them. Interpret them. I know what they look like and how they feel but showing them? Using them? You'd have better luck getting a volcano to spew water. But this is how I was brought up and its what I knew. Life for me was like looking through beer goggles for everyone else it was distorted and I had a fake image of what it was. Because of this I matured faster in other aspects of life. I grasped adult concepts earlier than most and grew into them. Into worrying about what others think of me, always comparing myself to EVERYONE else, not just the best or the people above me but everyone. I felt like everyone hated me and thought I was some annoying kid so I shut myself off from the world. That's the first few years of life. I ran around as a ""happy"" lonely kid. As I grew up and was about 10 or 11 I learned to read people and guess what they were feeling/thinking, how their day was going n shit. I learned to feed off of everyone's emotions around me rather than feeling my own. I essentially shut off my own emotions without realizing it and now I'm struggling with fixing it. I fed off of the kids that were happy and replicated their happiness as my own, I imitated them and copied them to feel included. I grew up like this trying to fill that big empty lonely hole I felt, i buried it deep down and (as a green swamp friend of mine once said) I became an onion, I made layers to try to hide it but nothing seemed to work. (Sorry this post has kinda became a pity party it was not my Intention, fuck it let's continue) the next couple years of my life pretty much continued on like this, building my wall of fake emotions to ""protect"" everyone else from my greatest enemy... myself, I didnt trust myself to not fuck up, didnt trust myself to really connect with anyone. I lied to everyone around me and pushed anyone away that tried to get close or learn who really was on the inside. It was repulsive and wrong but I didnt know that. I would say this is when I got my first taste of depression around the age of 12. Grades 5-7 I was the class runt/Guinne pig/doormat, I was the kid being bullied. The other kids unanimously decided I was the kid they picked on. Fucking private religious bullshit school did nothing to prevent what they were doing to me nor did they seem to care hell even the TEACHERS  would pick on me. So I accepted ""who I was"" and that was the school fuck up. I tried to take their name tag and wear it with pride. Yea it worked for a bit as armor. I made myself insensitive to the bullying for the first little bit. But grade 6 is when the smack down really started to happen and I became... the germ. These kids had gotten the idea to give me the permanent cheese touch or the germ as they liked to call it. This was the tipping point for me. All my so called classmates and friends I had suddenly turned on me and I was alone. Truly alone, left half dead for the vultures to pick at. I broke. I broke into so many little pieces, all those people I grew up around people I trusted turned. I couldn't touch anyone with out them screaming ""DONT TOUCH ME GERM"" ""GREAT THANKS NOW I HAVE TO WASH MYSELF"" and other hurtful shit like that. They couldn't even sit in a chair I had used without washing it and sanitizing it. Okay I say I was alone but I had 2 friends, payton and dane, they tried to help they tried everything they could but the other kids wouldn't back down. Half way thru the school year I attempted suicide. I had the steak knife pointed at my heart and started pushing, I drew a little blood but it hurt to much so I stuck around. I had only told dane and he kept it quite for a while like I asked him to but one day he told me that he had to tell the teacher, it wasnt something he liked knowing and didnt like how close I was to not being here. So he told that I wasnt feeling good in my head, that I was going thru some tough times due to the class and what they were doing. This teacher had 0 clue that it was happening and immediately went to the principal. Brought me with her and told me to tell her what was going on. I played dumb for so long hoping that it would just end. I didnt want to deal with it but they persisted and eventually brought dane in and asked him what was up. After he started to say something I broke, I told them almost everything. About me wanting to die, not wanting to live and how I wished everyone else would die first. I didnt tell them how i had attempted suicide. My worst fears had come true, I spoke up and now everyone hated me. They couldn't bully me but did they hate me. After the whole class got a ripped a new ass hole for pushing a kid to suicidal thoughts (yes I told them I had thoughts, no I didnt tell them I tried) I came back into the class room and I'm greeted with silence and stone cold eyes staring back at me. The first thing this kid told me (who I thought was one of the people that I had as an acquaintance) ""You know OP fuck you, you go and cry to the principal that we dont treat you nicely well guess what? You want us to treat you with dignity and respect well how about trying to treat us that way? Next time think before you speak"". I can't tell you how much this affected me. That kid got sent home for the rest of the week. This is supposed to be where that part of the story ends right? No those fuckers came back the next and kept calling me the germ, kept bullying me and bullied me harder than before. Grade 7 was a repeat of grade 6. Aging more and more I hid more and more of my emotions and just kept feeding off others and relying on them for how to react in different situations. Elementary school behind me and moving to middle school I made new friends, a new chapter in life. Friendsthat didnt judge, one guy even had the same name as me ""mysteriouslyreddited"". I started to notice girls at this point too. Two girls in particular, quinn and Anna. Quinn is a couple years younger than I had been babysat by my mother and I by her mother, they switched out as they both worked. And she, well Quinn's amazing, pretty no beautiful, shes got these eyes that just, her hair... wow. And her smile (._. ) just everything. She was my first crush although quickly forgotten (we went to different schools. You know out of sight out of mind. K not like that but I hadn't seen her in a while). Anna on the other had, well I can describe her similarly, but things were different with anna. They were. Easier??? Its. Well she was the girl I fell head over heels for and she knew it. We talked for hours upon hours but it was never meant to be. I continued on the same way I did in elementary school, by wearing armor and growing my onion. Anna and I stayed close for a couple years me being wrapped around her finger while she went after other guys. I got her a couple boyfriends reluctantly, I Introduced her to a couple guys I knew she was crushing on and I enjoyed watching her be with them (as i look back i was feeding off of her boyfriends emotions and mixed them with my own. Bad idea 0/10 would recommend.) And well this went as well as you may guess, it went great. WRONG. I was confused and shut off, shut down and shot down. I don't remember what started a fight between us but it went on for months. It became personal for the both of us. I told her not to come to my funeral she told me to fuck off and go die, words were said damage was done and I thought I was okay with it. I learned quickly that I in fact was not okay and my fight with her had broken my armour and I was bare, everything was out and we both fell into depression because of what we did to each other. I was having more and more suicidal thoughts. I had spiraled to my lowest point that I've ever been, self harm, alchohol, skipping school, it was the worst part of my life. Highschool is the hardest for everyone isnt it?? Its not oof my bad. I was skipping school, fighting with my mothers husband, smoking pot and drinking waaaaay to much booze. The fall out of not having anna in my life was ruining me, yes I felt for her and yes i wanted her back in my life but the hatred for her at the same time was almost outweighing the good I felt for her. I cut everyday for over 2 years. I didnt know what to do, the pain felt good and brought me out of my head and prevented me about thinking about anything as long as the blade was on me. My entire depressive episode was brought on because I couldn't stand up for myself or tell myself it's okay or when to stop. I lost myself, lost my armor, lost everything. Or at least I thought I lost everything when in reality I was only just discovering life. I became cold and truly shut off my emotions and didnt even feed off others. I became a robot. I woke up late went to school skipped all my classes, went home played COD or skyrim and went to bed. Rinse repeat and that's how I lived from day to day, month to month, for a couple years. I still haven't reconnected with anna (anna if you end up reading this im sorry for the bad memories. I like to think that we still have some love left for each other but i know that's false). As I lived like this my family life started to become stretched and strained. Being brought up as a christian I was told to believe in god, that hes the answer to all and just ask him for help. I called bullshit and that if he truly cared that none of us would suffer, if we suffer then why the fuck did jesus die on the cross for us? My grandparents and mother didnt take kindly to these words and how dare I speak about god in that manor. After mass one sunday i would have been like 15 we were at the grandparents and the topic of vacations came up and how I hadn't been on one in years and I'd like to go when peeps went down to visit cousins from another town a days drive away. It was spring break and they were leaving next weekend. I inquired if I could go with them and because of my grades I was told no. I told them if they let me go I'd pick up the pace in school and i would try, but only if they let me go. Well my attitude needed to be fixed because the next thing I know my mother is yelling at me and telling me how entitled I am and that Id be lucky to consider even going. Me being the teen I was I yelled back. Fuck yous were exchanged. My grandfather had enough and tried to manhandle me, no fucking chance gramps not in my current state. We had a fist fight that ended up with him having broken glasses, he litterally ripped my shirt off me, ripped my necklace off and threw me into a door and him thrown onto the floor. He got up and started to yell ""get the fuck out of here, you can come back when your damn well ready to apologize until then get out!!!!"". I replied with ""well then I guess it wasnt nice knowing you. When you're ready to get your grandson back track me down and tell me how sorry you are"" and left without looking back. He did track me down the next day and told me he was sorry about how he reacted and stepping so far out of line. That night after we made up and got a blizzard I went home to find my mother's husband fuming because of how I talked to my mother which cause a fight with him. That was the night I lost my home, my family, he had disowned me and cast me out like garbage. Even tho that was one of my lowest points I didnt see it as a loss. Yea i was fucked but i was also free to do what I want when I want. So I started working on myself. I moved to a new city enrolled in a new school and started fresh. While I did climb out of my depressing hole I have yet to beat depression. I got a great girlfriend and living large now adays . Started some anti depressants, counseling and what not. Well now Im gonna skip ahead to why I wanted to get some baggage off my back. A few weeks ago I went out to the bar with some friends and I ran into none other than quinn. I'd had some pregame drinks, had some drinks while I was there. I didnt eat anything that day, was already dehydrated and alcohol should not be consumed like that while on meds. So I was already drunk, feeling great, I'd seen quinn once and didnt know what to say so I just smiled and ""ignored"" her. Well let me tell you it was so fucking hard to ignore her. I mean if you were me you'd find it impossible to. So I did what any drunk man does, i had a shot and approached her, asked if I could buy her a drink and  From what I remember we hit it off. I had a blast but tbh I was not looking for anything in her I just remembe how I used to feel but more Importantly j remembered all the fun times we use to have growing up and all the memories with her over the years. I was.. no i am lonely and she seemed to just kinda be there. So we were talking, and I looked at her and time just seemed to stop. We talked but I don't remember what it was about. At one point I asked if I could kiss her. My self conscience was screaming at me telling me this was not okay but the alchohol was in too deep. There is so much that I wish I could remember about that night but I cant. I dont know what happened what I said or did. This is the hardest I've had to fight this depression in a long time and this time I'm worried that I won't be able to win. I don't recognize who I am anymore. I dont like this person I've become. I love my GF but I feel like I'm going to drag her down and make her depressed like me. I feel like I'm not good enough for her and I'm hurting her by being with her. I cant stop thinking about quinn but I think I fucked up even trying to be friends with her. There was a small spark there but nothing major besides I dont want there to be a spark right now, I've talked to my GF and she knows I have feelings for another. It was hard to deal with at first but after we talked about it she knows that im struggling with my feelings and that I'm not looking for a way to leave her. I've been on the verge of relapsing and going back to self harm. Im not crossing that line because when I do there's no turning back. Im tired of being depressed and I want out but he hardest part is figuring out who i am and if I can keep all my current bridges or if I have to go out and build new bridges. Im gonna keep trudging on and finding my way thru this fucked up place we call earth. Again im sorry this was so long and all over the place, if you read it thanks for listening, if you skip over this story thanks for not wasting your time (that came out wrong but ov well). I'm not looking for help I just need to talk to someone. I am doing okay I just had so much pent up I needed a release. Next therapy session will hopefully straighten up my current state of mind",mysteriouslyreddited,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecmob/can_i_leave_some_baggage_here/,im sure place post go apology advance going place im mobile im lost real name throw away etc etc etc okay im 22 guess dealing depression 8 year anxiety self conscious like believe im fucked actually okay like get chest talk life one particular wa never popular kid wa known never popular wa kid got picked last sport game never got play soccer kid wasnt good enough wasnt included tag hide go seek pressed knowing kid bullying got play lego slap jack tic tac toe name played 3 4 friend primary school kindergarten grade 3 knowing interact kid wa lonely didnt realize wa lonely wa well normal world wa get let voice didnt know stand fear hurting person telling felt wa never taught show emotion use interpret know look like feel showing using better luck getting volcano spew water wa brought knew life wa like looking beer goggles everyone else wa distorted fake image wa matured faster aspect life grasped adult concept earlier grew worrying others think always comparing everyone else best people everyone felt like everyone hated thought wa annoying kid shut world first year life ran around happy lonely kid grew wa 10 11 learned read people guess feeling thinking day wa going n shit learned feed everyone emotion around rather feeling essentially shut emotion without realizing struggling fixing fed kid happy replicated happiness imitated copied feel included grew like trying fill big empty lonely hole felt buried deep green swamp friend mine said became onion made layer try hide nothing seemed work sorry post ha kinda became pity party wa intention fuck let continue next couple year life pretty much continued like building wall fake emotion protect everyone else greatest enemy didnt trust fuck didnt trust really connect anyone lied everyone around pushed anyone away tried get close learn really wa inside wa repulsive wrong didnt know would say got first taste depression around age 12 grade 5 7 wa class runt guinne pig doormat wa kid bullied kid unanimously decided wa kid picked fucking private religious bullshit school nothing prevent seem care hell even teacher would pick accepted wa wa school fuck tried take name tag wear pride yea worked bit armor made insensitive bullying first little bit grade 6 smack really started happen became germ kid gotten idea give permanent cheese touch germ liked call wa tipping point called classmate friend suddenly turned wa alone truly alone left half dead vulture pick broke broke many little piece people grew around people trusted turned touch anyone screaming dont touch germ great thanks wash hurtful shit like even sit chair used without washing sanitizing okay say wa alone 2 friend payton dane tried help tried everything could kid back half way thru school year attempted suicide steak knife pointed heart started pushing drew little blood hurt much stuck around told dane kept quite like asked one day told tell teacher wasnt something liked knowing didnt like close wa told wasnt feeling good head wa going thru tough time due class teacher 0 clue wa happening immediately went principal brought told tell wa going played dumb long hoping would end didnt want deal persisted eventually brought dane asked wa started say something broke told almost everything wanting die wanting live wished everyone else would die first didnt tell attempted suicide worst fear come true spoke everyone hated bully hate whole class got ripped new hole pushing kid suicidal thought yes told thought didnt tell tried came back class room greeted silence stone cold eye staring back first thing kid told thought wa one people acquaintance know op fuck go cry principal dont treat nicely well guess want u treat dignity respect well trying treat u way next time think speak tell much affected kid got sent home rest week supposed part story end right fucker came back next kept calling germ kept bullying bullied harder grade 7 wa repeat grade 6 aging hid emotion kept feeding others relying react different situation elementary school behind moving middle school made new friend new chapter life friendsthat didnt judge one guy even name mysteriouslyreddited started notice girl point two girl particular quinn anna quinn couple year younger babysat mother mother switched worked well quinn amazing pretty beautiful shes got eye hair wow smile _ everything wa first crush although quickly forgotten went different school know sight mind k like seen anna well describe similarly thing different anna easier well wa girl fell head heel knew talked hour upon hour wa never meant continued way elementary school wearing armor growing onion anna stayed close couple year wrapped around finger went guy got couple boyfriend reluctantly introduced couple guy knew wa crushing enjoyed watching look back wa feeding boyfriend emotion mixed bad idea 0 10 would recommend well went well may guess went great wrong wa confused shut shut shot remember started fight u went month became personal u told come funeral told fuck go die word said damage wa done thought wa okay learned quickly fact wa okay fight broken armour wa bare everything wa fell depression wa suicidal thought spiraled lowest point ever self harm alchohol skipping school wa worst part life highschool hardest everyone isnt oof bad wa skipping school fighting mother husband smoking pot drinking waaaaay much booze fall anna life wa ruining yes felt yes wanted back life hatred time wa almost outweighing good felt cut everyday 2 year didnt know pain felt good brought head prevented thinking anything long blade wa entire depressive episode wa brought stand tell okay stop lost lost armor lost everything least thought lost everything reality wa discovering life became cold truly shut emotion didnt even feed others became robot woke late went school skipped class went home played cod skyrim went bed rinse repeat lived day day month month couple year still reconnected anna anna end reading im sorry bad memory like think still love left know false lived like family life started become stretched strained brought christian wa told believe god answer ask help called bullshit truly cared none u would suffer suffer fuck jesus die cross u grandparent mother didnt take kindly word dare speak god manor mass one sunday would like 15 grandparent topic vacation came one year like go peep went visit cousin another town day drive away wa spring break leaving next weekend inquired could go grade wa told told let go pick pace school would try let go well attitude needed fixed next thing know mother yelling telling entitled id lucky consider even going teen wa yelled back fuck yous exchanged grandfather enough tried manhandle fucking chance gramps current state fist fight ended broken glass litterally ripped shirt ripped necklace threw door thrown onto floor got started yell get fuck come back damn well ready apologize get replied well guess wasnt nice knowing ready get grandson back track tell sorry left without looking back track next day told wa sorry reacted stepping far line night made got blizzard went home find mother husband fuming talked mother cause fight wa night lost home family disowned cast like garbage even tho wa one lowest point didnt see loss yea wa fucked wa also free want want started working moved new city enrolled new school started fresh climb depressing hole yet beat depression got great girlfriend living large adays started anti depressant counseling well im gonna skip ahead wanted get baggage back week ago went bar friend ran none quinn pregame drink drink wa didnt eat anything day wa already dehydrated alcohol consumed like med wa already drunk feeling great seen quinn didnt know say smiled ignored well let tell wa fucking hard ignore mean find impossible drunk man doe shot approached asked could buy drink remember hit blast tbh wa looking anything remembe used feel importantly j remembered fun time use growing memory year wa lonely seemed kinda talking looked time seemed stop talked remember wa one point asked could kiss self conscience wa screaming telling wa okay alchohol wa deep much wish could remember night cant dont know happened said hardest fight depression long time time worried able win recognize anymore dont like person become love gf feel like going drag make depressed like feel like good enough hurting cant stop thinking quinn think fucked even trying friend wa small spark nothing major besides dont want spark right talked gf know feeling another wa hard deal first talked know im struggling feeling looking way leave verge relapsing going back self harm im crossing line turning back im tired depressed want hardest part figuring keep current bridge go build new bridge im gonna keep trudging finding way thru fucked place call earth im sorry wa long place read thanks listening skip story thanks wasting time came wrong ov well looking help need talk someone okay much pent needed release next therapy session hopefully straighten current state mind,leave baggage,mysteriously reddit ed,15864,29,mysteriously reddit ed im sure place post go apology advance going place im mobile im lost real name throw away etc etc etc okay im 22 guess dealing depression 8 year anxiety self conscious like believe im fucked actually okay like get chest talk life one particular wa never popular kid wa known never popular wa kid got picked last sport game never got play soccer kid wasnt good enough wasnt included tag hide go seek pressed knowing kid bullying got play lego slap jack tic tac toe name played 3 4 friend primary school kindergarten grade 3 knowing interact kid wa lonely didnt realize wa lonely wa well normal world wa get let voice didnt know stand fear hurting person telling felt wa never taught show emotion use interpret know look like feel showing using better luck getting volcano spew water wa brought knew life wa like looking beer goggles everyone else wa distorted fake image wa matured faster aspect life grasped adult concept earlier grew worrying others think always comparing everyone else best people everyone felt like everyone hated thought wa annoying kid shut world first year life ran around happy lonely kid grew wa 10 11 learned read people guess feeling thinking day wa going n shit learned feed everyone emotion around rather feeling essentially shut emotion without realizing struggling fixing fed kid happy replicated happiness imitated copied feel included grew like trying fill big empty lonely hole felt buried deep green swamp friend mine said became onion made layer try hide nothing seemed work sorry post ha kinda became pity party wa intention fuck let continue next couple year life pretty much continued like building wall fake emotion protect everyone else greatest enemy didnt trust fuck didnt trust really connect anyone lied everyone around pushed anyone away tried get close learn really wa inside wa repulsive wrong didnt know would say got first taste depression around age 12 grade 5 7 wa class runt guinne pig doormat wa kid bullied kid unanimously decided wa kid picked fucking private religious bullshit school nothing prevent seem care hell even teacher would pick accepted wa wa school fuck tried take name tag wear pride yea worked bit armor made insensitive bullying first little bit grade 6 smack really started happen became germ kid gotten idea give permanent cheese touch germ liked call wa tipping point called classmate friend suddenly turned wa alone truly alone left half dead vulture pick broke broke many little piece people grew around people trusted turned touch anyone screaming dont touch germ great thanks wash hurtful shit like even sit chair used without washing sanitizing okay say wa alone 2 friend payton dane tried help tried everything could kid back half way thru school year attempted suicide steak knife pointed heart started pushing drew little blood hurt much stuck around told dane kept quite like asked one day told tell teacher wasnt something liked knowing didnt like close wa told wasnt feeling good head wa going thru tough time due class teacher 0 clue wa happening immediately went principal brought told tell wa going played dumb long hoping would end didnt want deal persisted eventually brought dane asked wa started say something broke told almost everything wanting die wanting live wished everyone else would die first didnt tell attempted suicide worst fear come true spoke everyone hated bully hate whole class got ripped new hole pushing kid suicidal thought yes told thought didnt tell tried came back class room greeted silence stone cold eye staring back first thing kid told thought wa one people acquaintance know op fuck go cry principal dont treat nicely well guess want u treat dignity respect well trying treat u way next time think speak tell much affected kid got sent home rest week supposed part story end right fucker came back next kept calling germ kept bullying bullied harder grade 7 wa repeat grade 6 aging hid emotion kept feeding others relying react different situation elementary school behind moving middle school made new friend new chapter life friendsthat didnt judge one guy even name mysteriouslyreddited started notice girl point two girl particular quinn anna quinn couple year younger babysat mother mother switched worked well quinn amazing pretty beautiful shes got eye hair wow smile _ everything wa first crush although quickly forgotten went different school know sight mind k like seen anna well describe similarly thing different anna easier well wa girl fell head heel knew talked hour upon hour wa never meant continued way elementary school wearing armor growing onion anna stayed close couple year wrapped around finger went guy got couple boyfriend reluctantly introduced couple guy knew wa crushing enjoyed watching look back wa feeding boyfriend emotion mixed bad idea 0 10 would recommend well went well may guess went great wrong wa confused shut shut shot remember started fight u went month became personal u told come funeral told fuck go die word said damage wa done thought wa okay learned quickly fact wa okay fight broken armour wa bare everything wa fell depression wa suicidal thought spiraled lowest point ever self harm alchohol skipping school wa worst part life highschool hardest everyone isnt oof bad wa skipping school fighting mother husband smoking pot drinking waaaaay much booze fall anna life wa ruining yes felt yes wanted back life hatred time wa almost outweighing good felt cut everyday 2 year didnt know pain felt good brought head prevented thinking anything long blade wa entire depressive episode wa brought stand tell okay stop lost lost armor lost everything least thought lost everything reality wa discovering life became cold truly shut emotion didnt even feed others became robot woke late went school skipped class went home played cod skyrim went bed rinse repeat lived day day month month couple year still reconnected anna anna end reading im sorry bad memory like think still love left know false lived like family life started become stretched strained brought christian wa told believe god answer ask help called bullshit truly cared none u would suffer suffer fuck jesus die cross u grandparent mother didnt take kindly word dare speak god manor mass one sunday would like 15 grandparent topic vacation came one year like go peep went visit cousin another town day drive away wa spring break leaving next weekend inquired could go grade wa told told let go pick pace school would try let go well attitude needed fixed next thing know mother yelling telling entitled id lucky consider even going teen wa yelled back fuck yous exchanged grandfather enough tried manhandle fucking chance gramps current state fist fight ended broken glass litterally ripped shirt ripped necklace threw door thrown onto floor got started yell get fuck come back damn well ready apologize get replied well guess wasnt nice knowing ready get grandson back track tell sorry left without looking back track next day told wa sorry reacted stepping far line night made got blizzard went home find mother husband fuming talked mother cause fight wa night lost home family disowned cast like garbage even tho wa one lowest point didnt see loss yea wa fucked wa also free want want started working moved new city enrolled new school started fresh climb depressing hole yet beat depression got great girlfriend living large adays started anti depressant counseling well im gonna skip ahead wanted get baggage back week ago went bar friend ran none quinn pregame drink drink wa didnt eat anything day wa already dehydrated alcohol consumed like med wa already drunk feeling great seen quinn didnt know say smiled ignored well let tell wa fucking hard ignore mean find impossible drunk man doe shot approached asked could buy drink remember hit blast tbh wa looking anything remembe used feel importantly j remembered fun time use growing memory year wa lonely seemed kinda talking looked time seemed stop talked remember wa one point asked could kiss self conscience wa screaming telling wa okay alchohol wa deep much wish could remember night cant dont know happened said hardest fight depression long time time worried able win recognize anymore dont like person become love gf feel like going drag make depressed like feel like good enough hurting cant stop thinking quinn think fucked even trying friend wa small spark nothing major besides dont want spark right talked gf know feeling another wa hard deal first talked know im struggling feeling looking way leave verge relapsing going back self harm im crossing line turning back im tired depressed want hardest part figuring keep current bridge go build new bridge im gonna keep trudging finding way thru fucked place call earth im sorry wa long place read thanks listening skip story thanks wasting time came wrong ov well looking help need talk someone okay much pent needed release next therapy session hopefully straighten current state mind leave baggage
I managed to cry for the first time again since 6 years,"I‘ve been depressed since i was 14, but today was my 22nd birthday and i finally managed to let my feelings out. I can‘t tell anyone so at least i can post it here.",ToastY-420,38,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2bv5/i_managed_to_cry_for_the_first_time_again_since_6/,depressed since wa 14 today wa 22nd birthday finally managed let feeling tell anyone least post,managed cry first time since 6 year,toasty 420,164,55,toasty 420 depressed since wa 14 today wa 22nd birthday finally managed let feeling tell anyone least post managed cry first time since 6 year
Just an advice :),"Watch After Life on Netflix. 
Story of a man (played by Ricky Gervais) who lost his beloved wife and just wants to kill himself. 
It doesn't solve your problems, but makes you think. At least it made me think. It's a short series, very funny but also deep.

Maybe let me know if you watched it or ever gonna watch :)",martinsuperstar,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedzro/just_an_advice/,watch life netflix story man played ricky gervais lost beloved wife want kill solve problem make think least made think short series funny also deep maybe let know watched ever gonna watch,advice,martin superstar,316,17,martin superstar watch life netflix story man played ricky gervais lost beloved wife want kill solve problem make think least made think short series funny also deep maybe let know watched ever gonna watch advice
Best part of the day is sleeping,"when night comes, you just lay there in bed thinking of all your stressful problems then suddenly everything goes dark, your conciseness goes into rest, you are no longer aware of what's life or death, your brain is numb, and you seize to exist even for a moment, before start dreaming, you feel so happy like that time when you wer....   


you wake up at 7 am ready to repeat your boring routine thats been bothering you for quite a while now but you have no choice but to keep going.",Macsilver18,59,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduqan/best_part_of_the_day_is_sleeping/,night come lay bed thinking stressful problem suddenly everything go dark conciseness go rest longer aware life death brain numb seize exist even moment start dreaming feel happy like time wer wake 7 ready repeat boring routine thats bothering quite choice keep going,best part day sleeping,mac silver 18,486,32,mac silver 18 night come lay bed thinking stressful problem suddenly everything go dark conciseness go rest longer aware life death brain numb seize exist even moment start dreaming feel happy like time wer wake 7 ready repeat boring routine thats bothering quite choice keep going best part day sleeping
Letter from my girlfriend,"​

My girlfriend wrote me this letter and agreed to share it here... 

​

Letter to my depressed lover.

I see you. I know you’re in there. The man who loved and sought joy, the man who felt

deserving of happiness. He is blindfolded, held hostage, cold and chained in a windowless

basement, by a tyrant who thrives off suffering. At times it feels like there is no hope, at

times it feels like there is no escape. You are weakened, the exhaustion has taken over your

body, your mind and your soul, you question whether you’ll ever be strong enough to fight

this mighty tyrant, to escape from his grip, out of the darkness. Will you ever be able to feel

the sun stroking your skin again? Will you ever see the light again? Will you ever feel love

again?

Why are you here? How did you get here? You never asked for this, no one would.

A tyrant is an illegitimate ruler who controls through oppression. Tyranny is not fair, it is not

understanding, and it is cruel. The tyrant wants to weaken you until you have no choice but

to succumb, he will brainwash you until you come to terms with his reign, until you are no

longer a threat to him. The tyrant wants you to think that he is too strong to ever beat, too

mighty to outthink, too present to escape.

But let me tell you something about Tyrants. Anger, hate, always stems from fear, and pain.

Behind every tyrant is a hurt child. Behind every tyrant is a voice that was once unheard, a

heart that was once broken, eyes that were once blinded. The tyrant doesn’t want you to

see the light, because the light was once taken from him, he doesn’t want you to know love,

because love was once taken from him, and he wants you to hurt, because he hurts.

But how can tyranny be defeated? When tyranny is defeated by force, it often just paves

the way for another form of tyranny. You don’t want to kill your tyrant, you’ll be left with

blood on your hands and trauma in your soul, if you kill you’ll have to hide, and what is the

point of fighting your way out of the darkness, just to make your way into another form of

darkness?

No. Your tyrant won’t be defeated by force. He will be defeated by love, and I know that

your love is strong enough to turn him around.

The man that I love finds joy in the little things, the touch of the grass against his feet, the

sight of birds in the trees, the sound of a stick falling on icy water. The man that I love is

surprising, he is unapologetically original, passionate, and doted of a natural humour. The

man that I love is caring and has an emotional intelligence that can make anyone around

him feel seen, heard, and loved. The man that I love is wise, he can offer advice that you

never knew you needed, and he can be the ray of sunshine in anyone’s day. The man that I

love will lighten up entire rooms and soothe even your deepest worries with care and

attention. The man that I love, can love so strongly, so unconditionally, so powerfully, that

he can make anyone’s darkness fade away. So, if anyone is going to bring this tyrant down,

it will be the man that I love.

Love can make your tyrant feel seen, it can make him feel comfortable enough to talk,

comfortable enough to tell you about what pain led him to tyranny. When faced with love,

with a powerful, unconditional love, and an acceptance that is free of all judgment, your

​

tyrant will be able to start facing up to his actions, he will be able to start realising that all

along he was causing you to suffer for reasons that had nothing to do with you, they were

never your fault, he was only causing you to suffer, because he was suffering. When that

realisation will spring upon him, he will remove your blindfold and you will see that you are

facing yourself. But don’t worry, it’s just a mask the tyrant originally wore to trouble you, he

won’t wish to do that anymore though, he’ll unchain you and remove his mask, and you will

realise that all along, your tyrant was only a child. Suddenly the anger you felt towards your

tyrant will vanish, because you are a man who is fair, just and loving, you are a man who

doesn’t believe in punishment nor revenge, you are a man who can forgive. You are a man

who can recognise when a child simply needs to be held, loved and nurtured.

So you will take the child’s hand. At first, he will be fearful, he has been hurt before, who’s

to say that you won’t hurt him? But you will give him your word, you will promise him that

he is safe with you, and deep in your heart, you will know that you are telling the truth. The

child will weep in your arms, and you will hold him tighter, you will tell him that he is loved,

he is heard, he is seen, and that from this moment forward, he will never be alone.

You will come out of the basement with the child, hand in hand. And although at first it will

feel like a relief, it won’t be easy. You haven’t seen the sun in so long, its light will feel

blinding and uncomfortable, your body will still feel weak, and as you’ll barely feel able to

look after yourself, you’ll start to wonder how you could possibly look after this child? But

you will surprise yourself. Through the small pleasures you once enjoyed, such as feeling the

cool grass underneath your feet, you will find strength. Enough strength to lift yourself up,

carry the child, and start walking. It will be challenging, and you’ll worry that each step

might be your last step, you’ll worry that you might fall and never find the strength to get

back up, but you’ll keep putting a foot in front of the other, until it starts to feel natural.

Eventually you’ll look up and realise that the sun isn’t as blinding as it was when you first

came out, you’ll see a path, and you’ll know how to get home.

On your way home, you will worry that bringing this child back might be too much of a

burden for me. What if I don’t want him? What if I don’t love him? After all he was once a

tyrant, how could I love him? And what if I don’t even love you anymore? You’ve been gone

for so long, what if I’ve stopped waiting? What if I’ve given up? What if I’ve found someone

else? What if I just end up hurting you and the child more than you’ve both already been

hurt?

But all this time, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ve been worrying, I’ve been crying, you

disappeared so suddenly I never understood what had happened. I made it my mission to

find you, I was up day and night trying to save you, I called on you a thousand times, I

searched for clues in every corner, I even tried to negotiate with your tyrant, but to no avail,

it only angered him more. I tried to get help, but no one could help me, and in the end, I was

left weakened. That’s when I realised that I was exhausting myself, and I wasn’t helping you.

So I did the only thing I could do. I stopped trying to save you and trusted that you would be

able to save yourself, and as I waited for you to do that, I held our space, I nourished our

space so that you could come back to a loving and nurturing home, one where you could

one day feel whole again and heal.

​

When you come home, I will welcome your little boy with open arms, and love him, just as I

learned to love the little girl who once held me hostage in a basement. The truth is I already

know your little boy, I’ve seen him in your shadows, and I’ve already grown to love him. You

also know my little girl, she has been living in our home throughout our entire relationship.

She has loved you as much as I have, and although at first she was afraid of you, she was

afraid that you would hurt her, she grew to love you, and she learned to trust you. When

you were gone for so long, she began to worry, she worried that perhaps you would never

come back, she worried that perhaps you didn’t want to come back to us, perhaps you

wanted another home, a different home, perhaps you had stopped loving us.

But I reassured her, and I told her about the love that we shared, the hours and days we

spent looking into each other’s eyes, as time stood still and the world around us vanished,

and we questioned, every day, how we could be so lucky. Our love is the truest love I’ve

ever known, our love is the deepest love I’ve ever known, and I know that a love like ours,

never just goes away.

One day my little girl will meet your little boy, and they will love each other as much as we

love each other, the four of us will build a home so whole, that all our fears will be replaced

by trust, our anger will be replaced by love, and tyranny will be nothing but a distant

memory.

This isn’t going to happen overnight, we don’t want you to exhaust yourself trying to come

home, we don’t want you to run and fall, we want you to make wise and calculated steps, so

that you can slowly but surely come back to us.

If I could, I would be in the basement with you, but you don’t want me there, and if I force

myself into the basement, my little girl will turn into a tyrant again and our home will

collapse. So although I’m not in the darkness with you, know that I can still see you, and I

am still here, holding our fort, waiting for you to find the strength to love your tyrant

unconditionally, so that you can bring him home for us to nurture and heal him, so that he

can learn to fearlessly trust both of us.",psst_shhh,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fectqt/letter_from_my_girlfriend/,amp x200b girlfriend wrote letter agreed share amp x200b letter depressed lover see know man loved sought joy man felt deserving happiness blindfolded held hostage cold chained windowless basement tyrant thrives suffering time feel like hope time feel like escape weakened exhaustion ha taken body mind soul question whether ever strong enough fight mighty tyrant escape grip darkness ever able feel sun stroking skin ever see light ever feel love get never asked one would tyrant illegitimate ruler control oppression tyranny fair understanding cruel tyrant want weaken choice succumb brainwash come term reign longer threat tyrant want think strong ever beat mighty outthink present escape let tell something tyrant anger hate always stem fear pain behind every tyrant hurt child behind every tyrant voice wa unheard heart wa broken eye blinded tyrant want see light light wa taken want know love love wa taken want hurt hurt tyranny defeated tyranny defeated force often pave way another form tyranny want kill tyrant left blood hand trauma soul kill hide point fighting way darkness make way another form darkness tyrant defeated force defeated love know love strong enough turn around man love find joy little thing touch grass foot sight bird tree sound stick falling icy water man love surprising unapologetically original passionate doted natural humour man love caring ha emotional intelligence make anyone around feel seen heard loved man love wise offer advice never knew needed ray sunshine anyone day man love lighten entire room soothe even deepest worry care attention man love love strongly unconditionally powerfully make anyone darkness fade away anyone going bring tyrant man love love make tyrant feel seen make feel comfortable enough talk comfortable enough tell pain led tyranny faced love powerful unconditional love acceptance free judgment amp x200b tyrant able start facing action able start realising along wa causing suffer reason nothing never fault wa causing suffer wa suffering realisation spring upon remove blindfold see facing worry mask tyrant originally wore trouble wish anymore though unchain remove mask realise along tyrant wa child suddenly anger felt towards tyrant vanish man fair loving man believe punishment revenge man forgive man recognise child simply need held loved nurtured take child hand first fearful ha hurt say hurt give word promise safe deep heart know telling truth child weep arm hold tighter tell loved heard seen moment forward never alone come basement child hand hand although first feel like relief easy seen sun long light feel blinding uncomfortable body still feel weak barely feel able look start wonder could possibly look child surprise small pleasure enjoyed feeling cool grass underneath foot find strength enough strength lift carry child start walking challenging worry step might last step worry might fall never find strength get back keep putting foot front start feel natural eventually look realise sun blinding wa first came see path know get home way home worry bringing child back might much burden want love wa tyrant could love even love anymore gone long stopped waiting given found someone else end hurting child already hurt time waiting worrying cry disappeared suddenly never understood happened made mission find wa day night trying save called thousand time searched clue every corner even tried negotiate tyrant avail angered tried get help one could help end wa left weakened realised wa exhausting helping thing could stopped trying save trusted would able save waited held space nourished space could come back loving nurturing home one could one day feel whole heal amp x200b come home welcome little boy open arm love learned love little girl held hostage basement truth already know little boy seen shadow already grown love also know little girl ha living home throughout entire relationship ha loved much although first wa afraid wa afraid would hurt grew love learned trust gone long began worry worried perhaps would never come back worried perhaps want come back u perhaps wanted another home different home perhaps stopped loving u reassured told love shared hour day spent looking eye time stood still world around u vanished questioned every day could lucky love truest love ever known love deepest love ever known know love like never go away one day little girl meet little boy love much love four u build home whole fear replaced trust anger replaced love tyranny nothing distant memory going happen overnight want exhaust trying come home want run fall want make wise calculated step slowly surely come back u could would basement want force basement little girl turn tyrant home collapse although darkness know still see still holding fort waiting find strength love tyrant unconditionally bring home u nurture heal learn fearlessly trust u,letter girlfriend,psst sh hh,9367,25,psst sh hh amp x200b girlfriend wrote letter agreed share amp x200b letter depressed lover see know man loved sought joy man felt deserving happiness blindfolded held hostage cold chained windowless basement tyrant thrives suffering time feel like hope time feel like escape weakened exhaustion ha taken body mind soul question whether ever strong enough fight mighty tyrant escape grip darkness ever able feel sun stroking skin ever see light ever feel love get never asked one would tyrant illegitimate ruler control oppression tyranny fair understanding cruel tyrant want weaken choice succumb brainwash come term reign longer threat tyrant want think strong ever beat mighty outthink present escape let tell something tyrant anger hate always stem fear pain behind every tyrant hurt child behind every tyrant voice wa unheard heart wa broken eye blinded tyrant want see light light wa taken want know love love wa taken want hurt hurt tyranny defeated tyranny defeated force often pave way another form tyranny want kill tyrant left blood hand trauma soul kill hide point fighting way darkness make way another form darkness tyrant defeated force defeated love know love strong enough turn around man love find joy little thing touch grass foot sight bird tree sound stick falling icy water man love surprising unapologetically original passionate doted natural humour man love caring ha emotional intelligence make anyone around feel seen heard loved man love wise offer advice never knew needed ray sunshine anyone day man love lighten entire room soothe even deepest worry care attention man love love strongly unconditionally powerfully make anyone darkness fade away anyone going bring tyrant man love love make tyrant feel seen make feel comfortable enough talk comfortable enough tell pain led tyranny faced love powerful unconditional love acceptance free judgment amp x200b tyrant able start facing action able start realising along wa causing suffer reason nothing never fault wa causing suffer wa suffering realisation spring upon remove blindfold see facing worry mask tyrant originally wore trouble wish anymore though unchain remove mask realise along tyrant wa child suddenly anger felt towards tyrant vanish man fair loving man believe punishment revenge man forgive man recognise child simply need held loved nurtured take child hand first fearful ha hurt say hurt give word promise safe deep heart know telling truth child weep arm hold tighter tell loved heard seen moment forward never alone come basement child hand hand although first feel like relief easy seen sun long light feel blinding uncomfortable body still feel weak barely feel able look start wonder could possibly look child surprise small pleasure enjoyed feeling cool grass underneath foot find strength enough strength lift carry child start walking challenging worry step might last step worry might fall never find strength get back keep putting foot front start feel natural eventually look realise sun blinding wa first came see path know get home way home worry bringing child back might much burden want love wa tyrant could love even love anymore gone long stopped waiting given found someone else end hurting child already hurt time waiting worrying cry disappeared suddenly never understood happened made mission find wa day night trying save called thousand time searched clue every corner even tried negotiate tyrant avail angered tried get help one could help end wa left weakened realised wa exhausting helping thing could stopped trying save trusted would able save waited held space nourished space could come back loving nurturing home one could one day feel whole heal amp x200b come home welcome little boy open arm love learned love little girl held hostage basement truth already know little boy seen shadow already grown love also know little girl ha living home throughout entire relationship ha loved much although first wa afraid wa afraid would hurt grew love learned trust gone long began worry worried perhaps would never come back worried perhaps want come back u perhaps wanted another home different home perhaps stopped loving u reassured told love shared hour day spent looking eye time stood still world around u vanished questioned every day could lucky love truest love ever known love deepest love ever known know love like never go away one day little girl meet little boy love much love four u build home whole fear replaced trust anger replaced love tyranny nothing distant memory going happen overnight want exhaust trying come home want run fall want make wise calculated step slowly surely come back u could would basement want force basement little girl turn tyrant home collapse although darkness know still see still holding fort waiting find strength love tyrant unconditionally bring home u nurture heal learn fearlessly trust u letter girlfriend
Suicidal thoughts - multiple times a day,"It's not a competition, I'm not promoting it, but I've had one of the worst 24 hours where I've been knocked down, felt suicidial, picked myself back up, got knocked down again, felt suicidal again, picked myself back up again, and then it's happened all again. I've actively thought about killing myself because of three different bad things that's happened in the last 24 hours and right now it would be helpful to hear that others are also doing the same exhausting routine too.",aquotewouldbegood,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefb0h/suicidal_thoughts_multiple_times_a_day/,competition promoting one worst 24 hour knocked felt suicidial picked back got knocked felt suicidal picked back happened actively thought killing three different bad thing happened last 24 hour right would helpful hear others also exhausting routine,suicidal thought multiple time day,quote would good,481,40,quote would good competition promoting one worst 24 hour knocked felt suicidial picked back got knocked felt suicidal picked back happened actively thought killing three different bad thing happened last 24 hour right would helpful hear others also exhausting routine suicidal thought multiple time day
I wish i had killed myself a year ago,"people always say ""imagine all the things u would have missed out on if you had ended your life a year ago"" implying that anything that made me feel anything at all has happened since then, if anything it's only gotten worse.",horsenamewasfriday,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea8or/i_wish_i_had_killed_myself_a_year_ago/,people always say imagine thing u would missed ended life year ago implying anything made feel anything ha happened since anything gotten worse,wish killed year ago,horse name wa friday,225,37,horse name wa friday people always say imagine thing u would missed ended life year ago implying anything made feel anything ha happened since anything gotten worse wish killed year ago
I am lonely no matter what,"I hang out with my friends I still feel lonely I dont move from my bed I still feel lonely people talk to me I still feel lonely. Im physically getting ill from it i have had headaches, coughs, sore throats I believe its because i feel down and i hardly sleep because im up all night thinkin about how lonely i am even when im not lonely but on the inside i am lonely",iamthesizeofjupiter,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehlyx/i_am_lonely_no_matter_what/,hang friend still feel lonely dont move bed still feel lonely people talk still feel lonely im physically getting ill headache cough sore throat believe feel hardly sleep im night thinkin lonely even im lonely inside lonely,lonely matter,iam size jupiter,367,26,iam size jupiter hang friend still feel lonely dont move bed still feel lonely people talk still feel lonely im physically getting ill headache cough sore throat believe feel hardly sleep im night thinkin lonely even im lonely inside lonely lonely matter
I apologize,"Lately I have been getting unreasonably angry, thanks to some heavily biased content online, and I have been taking it out by posting things here that neither meet this sub's guidelines nor are community friendly. I would like to apologize, and state that I will no longer post to this sub. Thank you for your patience.",TheTaquitoverlord,14,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedluw/i_apologize/,lately getting unreasonably angry thanks heavily biased content online taking posting thing neither meet sub guideline community friendly would like apologize state longer post sub thank patience,apologize,theta quit overlord,319,11,theta quit overlord lately getting unreasonably angry thanks heavily biased content online taking posting thing neither meet sub guideline community friendly would like apologize state longer post sub thank patience apologize
Do these 30 things you don't like that will take up all your time and energy and and maybe you'll feel 5% better!,"Eating healthy, exercising, socializing, cleaning, meditating, getting sunlight, talking to a therapist, etc. 

None of them have made a noticeable difference in how I feel, and I'm tired of trying to do them all when it's just more adding to my struggle.",everydayisgray32,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecam7/do_these_30_things_you_dont_like_that_will_take/,eating healthy exercising socializing cleaning meditating getting sunlight talking therapist etc none made noticeable difference feel tired trying adding struggle,30 thing like take time energy maybe feel 5 better,everyday gray 32,255,113,everyday gray 32 eating healthy exercising socializing cleaning meditating getting sunlight talking therapist etc none made noticeable difference feel tired trying adding struggle 30 thing like take time energy maybe feel 5 better
0 interest,"These days I don't feel anything to do. I feel completely empty. I still remember I used to enjoy music, having a time in terrace, enjoying the wind and climate. I think I have depression.",syb_n,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehduy/0_interest/,day feel anything feel completely empty still remember used enjoy music time terrace enjoying wind climate think depression,0 interest,yb n,188,10,yb n day feel anything feel completely empty still remember used enjoy music time terrace enjoying wind climate think depression 0 interest
Has anyone experienced lower anxiety but same depression after SSRIs?,"I started lexapro 10 mg about 3 weeks ago. My anxiety has gone down a lot but my depression is still the same. My doctor is saying this is strange since those two should either improve or worsen together. 

Right now it’s just waiting a few more weeks to see if anything changes...",IMoveMarkets,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefwhm/has_anyone_experienced_lower_anxiety_but_same/,started lexapro 10 mg 3 week ago anxiety ha gone lot depression still doctor saying strange since two either improve worsen together right waiting week see anything change,ha anyone experienced lower anxiety depression ssri,move market,281,69,move market started lexapro 10 mg 3 week ago anxiety ha gone lot depression still doctor saying strange since two either improve worsen together right waiting week see anything change ha anyone experienced lower anxiety depression ssri
Any good songs which you guys want to recommend?,Any song which you like which makes you feel good. Have a good day!,Jimmyconwayyy,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feh60s/any_good_songs_which_you_guys_want_to_recommend/,song like make feel good good day,good song guy want recommend,jimmy conway yy,67,48,jimmy conway yy song like make feel good good day good song guy want recommend
Kids and depression/ Mental Illness,"I am desperate for advice on how to explain to my 11 year old son what depression is. I actually have bipolar disorder but don't even know where I'd start with that one. My son gets very angry with me. He thinks I choose to be/feel this way and says ""just stop being sad be happy how easy is that?!"" I know I cannot be upset with him for not understanding, but I'm also extremely frustrated about it. He says it's embarrassing to have a mom with depression. That just hurts me even more. 

He went from having a happy, energetic, spunky, fun, thrill seeking, supportive mom to one who lays in bed all the time, is constantly fatigued, has migraines constantly, no patience, never wants to do anything, cries a lot, etc. I feel like he's grieving me. I grieve myself, so I can understand. But he cannot. He thinks I'm just being selfish, lazy, mean, etc. 

I looked on Google for some ideas but didn't find anything that I felt like going with. I've tried many times to explain it from my perspective, but he just cannot comprehend what I'm saying. I'm lost, and it's making me feel even worse. Please, if anyone has anything helpful I'd greatly appreciate it!!!",schwistermom,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegz17/kids_and_depression_mental_illness/,desperate advice explain 11 year old son depression actually bipolar disorder even know start one son get angry think choose feel way say stop sad happy easy know cannot upset understanding also extremely frustrated say embarrassing mom depression hurt even went happy energetic spunky fun thrill seeking supportive mom one lay bed time constantly fatigued ha migraine constantly patience never want anything cry lot etc feel like grieving grieve understand cannot think selfish lazy mean etc looked google idea find anything felt like going tried many time explain perspective cannot comprehend saying lost making feel even worse please anyone ha anything helpful greatly appreciate,kid depression mental illness,schw term om,1161,35,schw term om desperate advice explain 11 year old son depression actually bipolar disorder even know start one son get angry think choose feel way say stop sad happy easy know cannot upset understanding also extremely frustrated say embarrassing mom depression hurt even went happy energetic spunky fun thrill seeking supportive mom one lay bed time constantly fatigued ha migraine constantly patience never want anything cry lot etc feel like grieving grieve understand cannot think selfish lazy mean etc looked google idea find anything felt like going tried many time explain perspective cannot comprehend saying lost making feel even worse please anyone ha anything helpful greatly appreciate kid depression mental illness
"I don’t want corona virus, but I the thought of quarantining myself for two weeks sounds appealing.","I would like to spend 2 weeks at home, not working or leaving the house and not interacting with anyone, without the sickness.",Alf909,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8iem/i_dont_want_corona_virus_but_i_the_thought_of/,would like spend 2 week home working leaving house interacting anyone without sickness,want corona virus thought quarantining two week sound appealing,alf 909,126,99,alf 909 would like spend 2 week home working leaving house interacting anyone without sickness want corona virus thought quarantining two week sound appealing
I just want to cry alone.,"holy shit things went bad fast. Last year I went into deep depression, however I recovered over the summer and things were seemingly looking up. I got a job, my grades were good and was hanging out with friends regularly. However the past two weeks things have went to absolute shit. My parents decided they wanted to try some ""parenting"" and decided I spent ""too much time on video games"". Even though I really only played 1-2 hours a night. It was one of the main ways I interacted with my friends as well. After that they decided that my phone was distracting me so it was confiscated as soon as I got home from school. Then they decided to take my door off the hinges to look in on me more. The worst part is i don't even know why they are doing all of this. My grades were good, A's and B's and in 6 AP classes while working 20 hours a week and maintaining a social life. Everything was going so good. Now I get home and feel empty and alone. I can't even cry in privacy. then they have the audacity to ask ""Honey whats wrong, why are you sad?????"". I just dont understand.",wallflower4598,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedn0j/i_just_want_to_cry_alone/,holy shit thing went bad fast last year went deep depression however recovered summer thing seemingly looking got job grade good wa hanging friend regularly however past two week thing went absolute shit parent decided wanted try parenting decided spent much time video game even though really played 1 2 hour night wa one main way interacted friend well decided phone wa distracting wa confiscated soon got home school decided take door hinge look worst part even know grade good b 6 ap class working 20 hour week maintaining social life everything wa going good get home feel empty alone even cry privacy audacity ask honey whats wrong sad dont understand,want cry alone,wallflower 4598,1078,25,wallflower 4598 holy shit thing went bad fast last year went deep depression however recovered summer thing seemingly looking got job grade good wa hanging friend regularly however past two week thing went absolute shit parent decided wanted try parenting decided spent much time video game even though really played 1 2 hour night wa one main way interacted friend well decided phone wa distracting wa confiscated soon got home school decided take door hinge look worst part even know grade good b 6 ap class working 20 hour week maintaining social life everything wa going good get home feel empty alone even cry privacy audacity ask honey whats wrong sad dont understand want cry alone
Look me in the eye and tell me it gets better.,"Go out, too out of your mind with sleep deprivation to be coherent, sit around at home feeling like shit in all respects, have both of your parents dismiss that anything's wrong while pouring gas on the fire by being passive aggressive every time they interact with you, and when it seems like things might change, whether it's your own efforts or the environment just shifting, it all circles back to being the same again.

The ride never ends.",Mr_Gibus,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feeabs/look_me_in_the_eye_and_tell_me_it_gets_better/,go mind sleep deprivation coherent sit around home feeling like shit respect parent dismiss anything wrong pouring gas fire passive aggressive every time interact seems like thing might change whether effort environment shifting circle back ride never end,look eye tell get better,mr gi bus,445,46,mr gi bus go mind sleep deprivation coherent sit around home feeling like shit respect parent dismiss anything wrong pouring gas fire passive aggressive every time interact seems like thing might change whether effort environment shifting circle back ride never end look eye tell get better
I'm so tired of everything,"I spoke to Lifeline (I'm from australia) and the person I spoke to was no help. Honestly, I wake up every morning regretting i did not die in my sleep the night before & explained that to them, they decided to get into a debate about fucking religion of all things. 

 I think at this point i just need someone to talk to, to be able to convince me why it's not a good idea to just slit my fucking throat or just jump off my 3rd floor balcony. Which I haven't done yet because I'm such a fucking coward.

Honestly i'm just so tired of life & just want to end it all somehow without bothering my family.

I don't know what else to do. I seriously envy americans with their easy access to guns.

FYI, I'm on anti depressants already which are no fucking help what so ever. There's always the voice in the back of my head that tells me that once i do it, i'll be ok, I wont have to experience this shit anyway so why not just go ahead with it anyway.",Kebabulo,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feea61/im_so_tired_of_everything/,spoke lifeline australia person spoke wa help honestly wake every morning regretting die sleep night amp explained decided get debate fucking religion thing think point need someone talk able convince good idea slit fucking throat jump 3rd floor balcony done yet fucking coward honestly tired life amp want end somehow without bothering family know else seriously envy american easy access gun fyi anti depressant already fucking help ever always voice back head tell ok wont experience shit anyway go ahead anyway,tired everything,kebab u lo,955,26,kebab u lo spoke lifeline australia person spoke wa help honestly wake every morning regretting die sleep night amp explained decided get debate fucking religion thing think point need someone talk able convince good idea slit fucking throat jump 3rd floor balcony done yet fucking coward honestly tired life amp want end somehow without bothering family know else seriously envy american easy access gun fyi anti depressant already fucking help ever always voice back head tell ok wont experience shit anyway go ahead anyway tired everything
How can you be depressed and not also love music ?,"I find it difficult right now to believe a person can be depressed and not also simultaneously love heart wrenching music, if any.",hotandreadylove,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fef040/how_can_you_be_depressed_and_not_also_love_music/,find difficult right believe person depressed also simultaneously love heart wrenching music,depressed also love music,hot ready love,130,50,hot ready love find difficult right believe person depressed also simultaneously love heart wrenching music depressed also love music
counselor at school calling my parents,"so i’ve had a few run ins with counselors in the past having to call my parents because i’m depressed and every time my parents have yelled at me saying i’m just looking for attention and i’ve told them myself before that i have a few things wrong with me but they never believe me or tell me to get over it. my grades are basically all Fs and i’ve been doing horribly lately so i talked to one of my teacher but he had to email my counselor and now she has to call them. i’ve given them a fake email before (my moms old one that she lost the password to) so i was thinking of telling them she got a new phone and giving them my friends phone number instead. if i do, will i get in trouble or will my parents find out? i really want to avoid them knowing anything.",zackattack_666,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feezyw/counselor_at_school_calling_my_parents/,run counselor past call parent depressed every time parent yelled saying looking attention told thing wrong never believe tell get grade basically f horribly lately talked one teacher email counselor ha call given fake email mom old one lost password wa thinking telling got new phone giving friend phone number instead get trouble parent find really want avoid knowing anything,counselor school calling parent,zack attack 666,764,38,zack attack 666 run counselor past call parent depressed every time parent yelled saying looking attention told thing wrong never believe tell get grade basically f horribly lately talked one teacher email counselor ha call given fake email mom old one lost password wa thinking telling got new phone giving friend phone number instead get trouble parent find really want avoid knowing anything counselor school calling parent
I really get it now,"Currently sitting in a ball of dread and anxiety as I wait for my college's provost to decide my fate over being caught plagiarizing. Ever since I got the email of accusation, I don't have the spirit to fight anymore. This feels like it's it. I fucked up, I sabotaged myself and now I've pretty much ruined any chance of getting into medical school. I don't want to move, I don't want to look at people, and I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't know if I have enough to keep going on. Everything looks hopeless. I thought I understood depression before, but this is a whole new level. When you're the one who put the gun to your head and ruined your own dreams it really hits differently. 4 years of money and school wasted. Hello rock bottom, mind if I stay awhile?",thesundancekidz,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feezf3/i_really_get_it_now/,currently sitting ball dread anxiety wait college provost decide fate caught plagiarizing ever since got email accusation spirit fight anymore feel like fucked sabotaged pretty much ruined chance getting medical school want move want look people want alone thought know enough keep going everything look hopeless thought understood depression whole new level one put gun head ruined dream really hit differently 4 year money school wasted hello rock bottom mind stay awhile,really get,sundance kid z,780,19,sundance kid z currently sitting ball dread anxiety wait college provost decide fate caught plagiarizing ever since got email accusation spirit fight anymore feel like fucked sabotaged pretty much ruined chance getting medical school want move want look people want alone thought know enough keep going everything look hopeless thought understood depression whole new level one put gun head ruined dream really hit differently 4 year money school wasted hello rock bottom mind stay awhile really get
We have nothing to lose,"Let's have some fucking fun, do stupid shit, life is boring af, so let's just make fun of it.",calmdown_bro,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feew35/we_have_nothing_to_lose/,let fucking fun stupid shit life boring af let make fun,nothing lose,calm bro,93,23,calm bro let fucking fun stupid shit life boring af let make fun nothing lose
"I was told it gets better, 10 years later and it just got numb.","So first of all, I don't know if this is a rule or not, but I've never been to a doctor's and actually got confirmed to have depression, I have anxiety issues and likely agoraphobia, I haven't left the house for 4 years, even then it only lasted a month, since before that I hadn't left the house in 5 years. Even before that, I didn't receive a high school education as I spent it all, you guessed it, in my house.

There was a small portion in my life where I actually had friends, 10 years ago, I was active, ""fun"", enjoying my life fairly well but occasionally I was still in the dumps. Most of my friends seemed to be the same way so we talked about it a lot. Of course my friend at the time tried to encourage me, tell me it gets better and kept an eye on me to make sure I was coming out of my shell so to say.

So of course I fucked that up, I made a small mistake, said sorry, they forgave me and I punished myself by not allowing myself to see my friends. Still haven't seen them to this day, besides one, my so. Somehow, they have infinite patience and can put up with all my shit.

I punished myself a lot, I'd cut myself, I'd punch and slam myself, destroy my own possessions. My so tried their best and it sort of fizzled out. These days I don't get the will to do so anymore.

Ever since then, nothing, for a whole 10 years, most of it I didn't even spend time with my mother and younger sister. Maybe I was still punishing myself. I had few hobbies or even things to do, though I didn't fully enjoy any of it, I was starting to feel pretty emotionless.
Towards the end I actually started reconnecting with my mother and finally learning stuff and just starting to connect with my sister.

It was going fairly well for me, I was starting to look at the bright side, I still never left my house but it was starting to feel comfortable instead of a prison.

But then my sister did something unspeakable, something I don't think I could ever forgive, but my mother did, instantly. I was hurt, angry and it pulled me straight back. Ever since I've been weird around my sister, finding it almost impossible to connect and angry at my mother.

So now, I just feel numb, I really don't know what to do, I've been trying to forgive and forget but it's impossible. I've been trying to go outside but I almost have panic attacks just thinking about it sometimes. I'm back to the prison with nothing to do but wait.

Tl:Dr After many years, things started to look good until family trouble, now it's worse than ever.",FruityTootins,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fed6n3/i_was_told_it_gets_better_10_years_later_and_it/,first know rule never doctor actually got confirmed depression anxiety issue likely agoraphobia left house 4 year even lasted month since left house 5 year even receive high school education spent guessed house wa small portion life actually friend 10 year ago wa active fun enjoying life fairly well occasionally wa still dump friend seemed way talked lot course friend time tried encourage tell get better kept eye make sure wa coming shell say course fucked made small mistake said sorry forgave punished allowing see friend still seen day besides one somehow infinite patience put shit punished lot cut punch slam destroy possession tried best sort fizzled day get anymore ever since nothing whole 10 year even spend time mother younger sister maybe wa still punishing hobby even thing though fully enjoy wa starting feel pretty emotionless towards end actually started reconnecting mother finally learning stuff starting connect sister wa going fairly well wa starting look bright side still never left house wa starting feel comfortable instead prison sister something unspeakable something think could ever forgive mother instantly wa hurt angry pulled straight back ever since weird around sister finding almost impossible connect angry mother feel numb really know trying forgive forget impossible trying go outside almost panic attack thinking sometimes back prison nothing wait tl dr many year thing started look good family trouble worse ever,wa told get better 10 year later got numb,fruity tin,2520,63,fruity tin first know rule never doctor actually got confirmed depression anxiety issue likely agoraphobia left house 4 year even lasted month since left house 5 year even receive high school education spent guessed house wa small portion life actually friend 10 year ago wa active fun enjoying life fairly well occasionally wa still dump friend seemed way talked lot course friend time tried encourage tell get better kept eye make sure wa coming shell say course fucked made small mistake said sorry forgave punished allowing see friend still seen day besides one somehow infinite patience put shit punished lot cut punch slam destroy possession tried best sort fizzled day get anymore ever since nothing whole 10 year even spend time mother younger sister maybe wa still punishing hobby even thing though fully enjoy wa starting feel pretty emotionless towards end actually started reconnecting mother finally learning stuff starting connect sister wa going fairly well wa starting look bright side still never left house wa starting feel comfortable instead prison sister something unspeakable something think could ever forgive mother instantly wa hurt angry pulled straight back ever since weird around sister finding almost impossible connect angry mother feel numb really know trying forgive forget impossible trying go outside almost panic attack thinking sometimes back prison nothing wait tl dr many year thing started look good family trouble worse ever wa told get better 10 year later got numb
Ranting and also maybe advice(?),"I met this girl month ago and i feel in love very quick. She is from Portugal and i am from Slovenia.. And we thought about having a long distance but she feels like its not gonna work. We talked about it 2 days ago and i told her i cant be there just friends because im only making myself suffer, she seems to have no problem with it, but i just cant get over myself and watching somebody drift away while i wait. It hurts so much and the things she said about me how amazing i am and how bad she wants me to stay there, but i just cant im falling into depression again. I told her im gonna stay but i dont know if im capable im just hurting myself. 3 years of this and just when you think you get out of it it crawls back so fast ahhhhh. And i feel like the most egoistical, needy piece of shit that i cant get over the fact its over. Fuck this shit and fuck life.

Thanks for listening ❤️",f1_escape,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feev2s/ranting_and_also_maybe_advice/,met girl month ago feel love quick portugal slovenia thought long distance feel like gonna work talked 2 day ago told cant friend im making suffer seems problem cant get watching somebody drift away wait hurt much thing said amazing bad want stay cant im falling depression told im gonna stay dont know im capable im hurting 3 year think get crawl back fast ahhhhh feel like egoistical needy piece shit cant get fact fuck shit fuck life thanks listening,ranting also maybe advice,f 1 escape,891,32,f 1 escape met girl month ago feel love quick portugal slovenia thought long distance feel like gonna work talked 2 day ago told cant friend im making suffer seems problem cant get watching somebody drift away wait hurt much thing said amazing bad want stay cant im falling depression told im gonna stay dont know im capable im hurting 3 year think get crawl back fast ahhhhh feel like egoistical needy piece shit cant get fact fuck shit fuck life thanks listening ranting also maybe advice
Being ugly just isn't fair,"I had no choice to be e beautiful guy. Wherever I go I'm the ugliest person. I want a girlfriend, but I can't talk to girls, since they obviously don't wanna talk to an ugly guy. Damn, it is not fair. I'm a fun guy, I'm even a comedian, but all the girls that aproaches me becomes my friend. Nobody wanna date an ugly guy. Thank you, ""God"".",buhrainbow,202,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduopy/being_ugly_just_isnt_fair/,choice e beautiful guy wherever go ugliest person want girlfriend talk girl since obviously wanna talk ugly guy damn fair fun guy even comedian girl aproaches becomes friend nobody wanna date ugly guy thank god,ugly fair,buh rainbow,340,26,buh rainbow choice e beautiful guy wherever go ugliest person want girlfriend talk girl since obviously wanna talk ugly guy damn fair fun guy even comedian girl aproaches becomes friend nobody wanna date ugly guy thank god ugly fair
Why do I still have a feeling like I’m doing everything wrong?,"These are just random things because I guess I need a hug. 


I’ve been feeling so lonely lately. I can’t do even basic stuff, like I need to motivate myself to take a shower or find reasons to eat something. I’m finally taking some medication. I still struggle with finding a job, but it’s okay I guess, kinda regret wasting all my money and not saving more. That’s like a coping mechanism. I starve myself and then feel sick again. I can’t motivate myself to workout because I don’t have any limits and I either don’t do anything or workout till I’m exhausted. I either cry a lot because of everything or feel nothing at all. I have like two friends now and my boyfriend. I appreciate them the most. But I really hate myself for not being able to have phone calls with my boyfriend(we’re in a long distance rn). I really love him and I want to change it but I can’t make myself do that?? Like he knows about my issues and he’s very patient and supportive but I have a feeling like I’m bothering him al the tome and making him feel sad because calling someone you love is like the very basic thing that can make you feel closer to each other. But that’s not the point of my post, I have no idea if it even makes sense. 



I’m so tired, I’m not feeling broken, I’m not having desire to end my life because I know that it’s just temporary and I’ll be fine. But I’m feeling extremely not motivated at all, I’m sad and I hate myself for not being productive. I’m afraid to lose my boyfriend or my friends and I hate being that annoying person who always asks “you don’t regret our relationship”. I’m tired and I have no idea what to do. I’ve been feeling so sad lately and very stressed and I can’t sleep and I have headaches all the time. I just want to cry and to get a hug maybe. 



No, I’m definitely not seeking any attention at all,  I’m really sorry if it looks like that. I’m sad and that’s it I guess.",wheresjulie,11,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feas4s/why_do_i_still_have_a_feeling_like_im_doing/,random thing guess need hug feeling lonely lately even basic stuff like need motivate take shower find reason eat something finally taking medication still struggle finding job okay guess kinda regret wasting money saving like coping mechanism starve feel sick motivate workout limit either anything workout till exhausted either cry lot everything feel nothing like two friend boyfriend appreciate really hate able phone call boyfriend long distance rn really love want change make like know issue patient supportive feeling like bothering al tome making feel sad calling someone love like basic thing make feel closer point post idea even make sense tired feeling broken desire end life know temporary fine feeling extremely motivated sad hate productive afraid lose boyfriend friend hate annoying person always asks regret relationship tired idea feeling sad lately stressed sleep headache time want cry get hug maybe definitely seeking attention really sorry look like sad guess,still feeling like everything wrong,julie,1909,62,julie random thing guess need hug feeling lonely lately even basic stuff like need motivate take shower find reason eat something finally taking medication still struggle finding job okay guess kinda regret wasting money saving like coping mechanism starve feel sick motivate workout limit either anything workout till exhausted either cry lot everything feel nothing like two friend boyfriend appreciate really hate able phone call boyfriend long distance rn really love want change make like know issue patient supportive feeling like bothering al tome making feel sad calling someone love like basic thing make feel closer point post idea even make sense tired feeling broken desire end life know temporary fine feeling extremely motivated sad hate productive afraid lose boyfriend friend hate annoying person always asks regret relationship tired idea feeling sad lately stressed sleep headache time want cry get hug maybe definitely seeking attention really sorry look like sad guess still feeling like everything wrong
What’s up with the comments and upvotes?,"I’m really feeling down for the past few days, stuck in bed.. some nice comments and encouragement and upvotes make me feel better. I know it sounds weird but it’s validation.. like a hug I never had anyone truly love me or care about me so it helps my insecurity 

Thanks guys",mixmastermatt92,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7b1o/whats_up_with_the_comments_and_upvotes/,really feeling past day stuck bed nice comment encouragement upvotes make feel better know sound weird validation like hug never anyone truly love care help insecurity thanks guy,comment upvotes,mix master matt 92,277,40,mix master matt 92 really feeling past day stuck bed nice comment encouragement upvotes make feel better know sound weird validation like hug never anyone truly love care help insecurity thanks guy comment upvotes
desolation,"depression is writing sick poetry on skin and publishing it with scars, cutting on ankles, not wrists because you’re scared you’ll get in trouble but you so desperately need to be seen, and never are.

depression is writing the word “alone” and seeing the word “home”, accepting the pain like a gift because you deserve it.

depression is admitting suicidal thoughts to paper and not to people, and loving the broken things, hoping to tie them together, thinking maybe things will get better, but knowing that’s just wishful thinking.",imboniseo,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feds2t/desolation/,depression writing sick poetry skin publishing scar cutting ankle wrist scared get trouble desperately need seen never depression writing word alone seeing word home accepting pain like gift deserve depression admitting suicidal thought paper people loving broken thing hoping tie together thinking maybe thing get better knowing wishful thinking,desolation,mb iseo,534,10,mb iseo depression writing sick poetry skin publishing scar cutting ankle wrist scared get trouble desperately need seen never depression writing word alone seeing word home accepting pain like gift deserve depression admitting suicidal thought paper people loving broken thing hoping tie together thinking maybe thing get better knowing wishful thinking desolation
May take college medical withdrawal but I'll be broke? Long read,"I'm at a cross roads. Yesterday, I had a mid term and showed up 50 minutes late. I had actually gotten up that morning to go and take it (my mom took the car extra early and came back late even though I told her that I needed to be at school). Unfortunately this didnt help the fact that I havent been attending school or doing the hwks and labs. My programming professor understood and gave me the slip to go back to do the labs and hwks that I missed. Though again, yesterday I was told that I'm approaching the deadline for this consideration very close and was suggested to take a medical withdrawal by my professor. This year just isnt my year. I feel withdrawn from everything and just cant bring myself to hold onto the shread of stability. Me missing my classes is also something I told my therapist and psychiatrist about. 

My professor wants to hold a meeting with me and my academic advisor to see if there is a way to avoid medical withdrawal and catch up on assignments. I appreciated the consideration until early today, when I realized that I most likely wont be attending lab today either. I cant keep doing this. This is the second time I've taken this class and its gotten admittedly worse. The first time was alright but this time...is terrible. I dont have a support group like last time and I dont have a team. My first time, I was turning in assignments but the lack on my part was not studying for the midterm but I still had a long stride of actually passing then. I feel so uncomfortable in class, I feel like a foreigner.  I get sad because it's  as if I have no idea what's going on around me and it makes me so sad. 

I have a sibling who faced this problem when she tried attending college. She got depressed, started sleeping in and never leaving for school. I dont know why we cant stay in college and actually graduate but it seems like a curse. 


If I leave school, I'm faced with having to leave my school job. If I lose my school job, I wont have any funds. My mother will be leaving me in our hometown and I wont be able to get help from her like I need . I know that if i withdraw, i wont be able to withdraw from one class, I'd have to leave all of them. I didnt have the best if luck from finding work without school ties. So, I'm scared to leave school. I'm diagnosed with depression and GAD. I'd be anxiety ridden and depressed knowing that I'll be holding my grad year back and I wont be able to conjure up funds. 

I wanted to love school. I know I can love learning but I cant seem to love that or anything else right now. I was supposed to be graduating this year but I souldnt be anyway due to needing more classes to complete. I had planned on passing this semester and taking up extra summer classes go shorten time but ...that's all gone. 

I dont know what to do. Should I schedule this meeting in hope of finding options where I dont withdraw and end up pissing away at the possible opportunities? Or just withdrawal, be possibly homeless and come back to school when I'm better? Its hard making a living without a college degree and im worried. I want to stop the self sabotage of depression  but it's as if I can't.


I don't want to leave my home. I want to stay home all the time . I told my counselor this and it's as if she doesnt really get it. She makes it seem as if it's an easy fix and then I wont do it again. I hate the therapists I've had because they are very ineffective. I had one who turned out to be a child psychiatrist and she was a thousand times better but for some reason I cant see her in our facility any longer.",ErrorMyUser,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feeojq/may_take_college_medical_withdrawal_but_ill_be/,cross road yesterday mid term showed 50 minute late actually gotten morning go take mom took car extra early came back late even though told needed school unfortunately didnt help fact havent attending school hwks lab programming professor understood gave slip go back lab hwks missed though yesterday wa told approaching deadline consideration close wa suggested take medical withdrawal professor year isnt year feel withdrawn everything cant bring hold onto shread stability missing class also something told therapist psychiatrist professor want hold meeting academic advisor see way avoid medical withdrawal catch assignment appreciated consideration early today realized likely wont attending lab today either cant keep second time taken class gotten admittedly worse first time wa alright time terrible dont support group like last time dont team first time wa turning assignment lack part wa studying midterm still long stride actually passing feel uncomfortable class feel like foreigner get sad idea going around make sad sibling faced problem tried attending college got depressed started sleeping never leaving school dont know cant stay college actually graduate seems like curse leave school faced leave school job lose school job wont fund mother leaving hometown wont able get help like need know withdraw wont able withdraw one class leave didnt best luck finding work without school tie scared leave school diagnosed depression gad anxiety ridden depressed knowing holding grad year back wont able conjure fund wanted love school know love learning cant seem love anything else right wa supposed graduating year souldnt anyway due needing class complete planned passing semester taking extra summer class go shorten time gone dont know schedule meeting hope finding option dont withdraw end pissing away possible opportunity withdrawal possibly homeless come back school better hard making living without college degree im worried want stop self sabotage depression want leave home want stay home time told counselor doesnt really get make seem easy fix wont hate therapist ineffective one turned child psychiatrist wa thousand time better reason cant see facility longer,may take college medical withdrawal broke long read,error user,3591,64,error user cross road yesterday mid term showed 50 minute late actually gotten morning go take mom took car extra early came back late even though told needed school unfortunately didnt help fact havent attending school hwks lab programming professor understood gave slip go back lab hwks missed though yesterday wa told approaching deadline consideration close wa suggested take medical withdrawal professor year isnt year feel withdrawn everything cant bring hold onto shread stability missing class also something told therapist psychiatrist professor want hold meeting academic advisor see way avoid medical withdrawal catch assignment appreciated consideration early today realized likely wont attending lab today either cant keep second time taken class gotten admittedly worse first time wa alright time terrible dont support group like last time dont team first time wa turning assignment lack part wa studying midterm still long stride actually passing feel uncomfortable class feel like foreigner get sad idea going around make sad sibling faced problem tried attending college got depressed started sleeping never leaving school dont know cant stay college actually graduate seems like curse leave school faced leave school job lose school job wont fund mother leaving hometown wont able get help like need know withdraw wont able withdraw one class leave didnt best luck finding work without school tie scared leave school diagnosed depression gad anxiety ridden depressed knowing holding grad year back wont able conjure fund wanted love school know love learning cant seem love anything else right wa supposed graduating year souldnt anyway due needing class complete planned passing semester taking extra summer class go shorten time gone dont know schedule meeting hope finding option dont withdraw end pissing away possible opportunity withdrawal possibly homeless come back school better hard making living without college degree im worried want stop self sabotage depression want leave home want stay home time told counselor doesnt really get make seem easy fix wont hate therapist ineffective one turned child psychiatrist wa thousand time better reason cant see facility longer may take college medical withdrawal broke long read
I have no one to play with,"I'm so lonely that I can tear up just by playing and realising I'm alone. I'm playing a lot of Apex Legends lately on ps4 and wanted to be stronger for the ranked. But sometimes you can't just do everything alone. I have no one to play with and I'm always left behind by everyone so video games are my only hobby since I can't go to school anymore because I'm too anxious and my body hurt me when I went to school. I hate myself and just want to die, it's not a life to stay in my bedroom playing all days and nearly broke my hand because I lost hours of playing due to when you launch a game, you lost points until you kill at least five peoples or stay alive long enough but sometimes I'm just really bad and my random team mates doesn't help. I just wanted to vent this so sorryif it sound childish or dumb and thanks to maybe someone that read this.",Warkilled,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feelax/i_have_no_one_to_play_with/,lonely tear playing realising alone playing lot apex legend lately ps4 wanted stronger ranked sometimes everything alone one play always left behind everyone video game hobby since go school anymore anxious body hurt went school hate want die life stay bedroom playing day nearly broke hand lost hour playing due launch game lost point kill least five people stay alive long enough sometimes really bad random team mate help wanted vent sorryif sound childish dumb thanks maybe someone read,one play,war killed,853,26,war killed lonely tear playing realising alone playing lot apex legend lately ps4 wanted stronger ranked sometimes everything alone one play always left behind everyone video game hobby since go school anymore anxious body hurt went school hate want die life stay bedroom playing day nearly broke hand lost hour playing due launch game lost point kill least five people stay alive long enough sometimes really bad random team mate help wanted vent sorryif sound childish dumb thanks maybe someone read one play
Passively wanting to die,"I'm at the point where I'm fine with accidents that can happen, where it be I'm driving and a truck speeds and hits me, riding on train and exploding, walking on the sidewalk and hoping a car would hit me or I get snatched and be killed, walking alone late at night and some thugs beat me up. Heck if I had a sickness I wouldn't tell anyone and just die.",Rosaren,23,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvvnm/passively_wanting_to_die/,point fine accident happen driving truck speed hit riding train exploding walking sidewalk hoping car would hit get snatched killed walking alone late night thug beat heck sickness tell anyone die,passively wanting die,rosa ren,354,24,rosa ren point fine accident happen driving truck speed hit riding train exploding walking sidewalk hoping car would hit get snatched killed walking alone late night thug beat heck sickness tell anyone die passively wanting die
"A sad, lost ghost finally arriving somewhere (maybe)","So, I'm new to Reddit and mostly for the sole purpose of being a bit social and talk about my depression and anxiety issues.. Though I aspire to be an artist, that's what my username is all about, and express myself that way because I haven't been able to express myself in a very long time.. 

Today is my easy-going day.. so I smoked some ganja, eating some chocolate and trying to get myself out there, even if that is online and far away from living, breathing human beings! :3 (my boyfriend does the shopping, I just hide from the world). 

​

Anyhow, not sure what else to say.. I mean.. it says 'behave like you would in real life' so I guess I'm going to go back to hiding now :3",Ezrakadabra,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feegbc/a_sad_lost_ghost_finally_arriving_somewhere_maybe/,new reddit mostly sole purpose bit social talk depression anxiety issue though aspire artist username express way able express long time today easy going day smoked ganja eating chocolate trying get even online far away living breathing human 3 boyfriend doe shopping hide world amp x200b anyhow sure else say mean say behave like would real life guess going go back hiding 3,sad lost ghost finally arriving somewhere maybe,ezra kada bra,698,52,ezra kada bra new reddit mostly sole purpose bit social talk depression anxiety issue though aspire artist username express way able express long time today easy going day smoked ganja eating chocolate trying get even online far away living breathing human 3 boyfriend doe shopping hide world amp x200b anyhow sure else say mean say behave like would real life guess going go back hiding 3 sad lost ghost finally arriving somewhere maybe
Feeling suicidal after reading a pedophilic romance manga,"Hi all,

I'm 22 years old and are working as software engineer.. On the last 3 days, I just got emotionally triggerred just by reading a manga that potrays loneliness and pedophilic romantic relationships..

I know it sounds so exaggereative and/or trashy, but I didnt expect that manga would push my buttons deep inside, so hard that I would just weep uncontrollably and are having suicidal thoughts due to the tragic content of the manga..

Was I emotionally triggered because of it resonates deep within my subconscious? Or is it just because I long such relationship potrayed in it as a pedophile? Or both?

The last 3 days I wasnt able to function properly at work.. 

Any idea to shake it off my head?",Crafty-Mushroom,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedirs/feeling_suicidal_after_reading_a_pedophilic/,hi 22 year old working software engineer last 3 day got emotionally triggerred reading manga potrays loneliness pedophilic romantic relationship know sound exaggereative trashy didnt expect manga would push button deep inside hard would weep uncontrollably suicidal thought due tragic content manga wa emotionally triggered resonates deep within subconscious long relationship potrayed pedophile last 3 day wasnt able function properly work idea shake head,feeling suicidal reading pedophilic romance manga,crafty mushroom,707,57,crafty mushroom hi 22 year old working software engineer last 3 day got emotionally triggerred reading manga potrays loneliness pedophilic romantic relationship know sound exaggereative trashy didnt expect manga would push button deep inside hard would weep uncontrollably suicidal thought due tragic content manga wa emotionally triggered resonates deep within subconscious long relationship potrayed pedophile last 3 day wasnt able function properly work idea shake head feeling suicidal reading pedophilic romance manga
I'm Lost,"I feel the only thing that makes me even remotely content these days is when I convince myself when and how I'm going to kill myself. Nothing else makes me feel at ease, I'm not sure how worried about myself I should be",Jamienby,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehqkr/im_lost/,feel thing make even remotely content day convince going kill nothing else make feel ease sure worried,lost,jamie n,219,8,jamie n feel thing make even remotely content day convince going kill nothing else make feel ease sure worried lost
I can't handle it,"Had an extremely depressive episode when I was 15 it lasted for 3 years and it was allleviated after that but not I am not only having depression but just sessions of excitement followed by depression again. My brain is fucked I have no chance my family is fucked my life is fucked I have had poor health since childhood and still do. Sometimes I just feel I am losing my mind, too poor for medical help or anykind of help talking with others doesnt work. The threshold of my ambitions was just getting lower and lower through out the year first I wanted to be a doctor (no way) now I am even contemplating if I should go to college as opposed to just root and die. I really can't see any pro in this life I am tired of crying and wheeping and whining over and over i am tired of my family my health everything about me i wish i wasnt born. I dont want to talk i am tired and exhausted all the time again i wish  i died when i was a child my life is gone i spent my teenage years depression and was so close to do it multipile times and now i am now in my 20s what is left nothing absolutely nothing i want to sleep for ever",darksnowy337,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehlmk/i_cant_handle_it/,extremely depressive episode wa 15 lasted 3 year wa allleviated depression session excitement followed depression brain fucked chance family fucked life fucked poor health since childhood still sometimes feel losing mind poor medical help anykind help talking others doesnt work threshold ambition wa getting lower lower year first wanted doctor way even contemplating go college opposed root die really see pro life tired cry wheeping whining tired family health everything wish wasnt born dont want talk tired exhausted time wish died wa child life gone spent teenage year depression wa close multipile time 20 left nothing absolutely nothing want sleep ever,handle,dark snowy 337,1124,17,dark snowy 337 extremely depressive episode wa 15 lasted 3 year wa allleviated depression session excitement followed depression brain fucked chance family fucked life fucked poor health since childhood still sometimes feel losing mind poor medical help anykind help talking others doesnt work threshold ambition wa getting lower lower year first wanted doctor way even contemplating go college opposed root die really see pro life tired cry wheeping whining tired family health everything wish wasnt born dont want talk tired exhausted time wish died wa child life gone spent teenage year depression wa close multipile time 20 left nothing absolutely nothing want sleep ever handle
I ran out of coping mechanisms.,I used to binge eat to fill the void or starve myself out of punishment or watch youtube vids to fill the void or got drunk to feel numb or sleep to escape. But none of these things work now fuck,luna1-618,41,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxgjz/i_ran_out_of_coping_mechanisms/,used binge eat fill void starve punishment watch youtube vids fill void got drunk feel numb sleep escape none thing work fuck,ran coping mechanism,luna 1 618,195,31,luna 1 618 used binge eat fill void starve punishment watch youtube vids fill void got drunk feel numb sleep escape none thing work fuck ran coping mechanism
Passively suicidal,"So I think about death all the time and regularly think about situations where I get hit by like a bus or have terminal cancer, it's so bizarre. Because I'm not actually a risk to myself,  I'm not in any way planning any attempt but as I fall asleep it seems like I'm always thinking about how an exit wound would look at the back of my head.  


I call passive suicidality 'living in the Grey'. It's an inbetween state,  smack bang in the middle of loving life and hating it.  It's so strange because health professionals are always asking if I'm having 'dark thoughts' and it's like,  well,  what really *is* a dark thought? When it comes down to it,  it's the behaviour, the intention, not the thoughts,  that are the true issue.  

Death is always on my mind.  Not just my own,  but anyone and everyone.  I think constantly about different situations where people in my life die tragically,  and how I would grieve.  Would I crumple into a depressed mess or rise to the occasion and be strong for the rest of my family?  Who would care if I died?  So many questions all the time.  


Anyone else constantly have death on the brain?",mediterraneanweather,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefg6j/passively_suicidal/,think death time regularly think situation get hit like bus terminal cancer bizarre actually risk way planning attempt fall asleep seems like always thinking exit wound would look back head call passive suicidality living grey inbetween state smack bang middle loving life hating strange health professional always asking dark thought like well really dark thought come behaviour intention thought true issue death always mind anyone everyone think constantly different situation people life die tragically would grieve would crumple depressed mess rise occasion strong rest family would care died many question time anyone else constantly death brain,passively suicidal,mediterranean weather,1135,18,mediterranean weather think death time regularly think situation get hit like bus terminal cancer bizarre actually risk way planning attempt fall asleep seems like always thinking exit wound would look back head call passive suicidality living grey inbetween state smack bang middle loving life hating strange health professional always asking dark thought like well really dark thought come behaviour intention thought true issue death always mind anyone everyone think constantly different situation people life die tragically would grieve would crumple depressed mess rise occasion strong rest family would care died many question time anyone else constantly death brain passively suicidal
Five years later and I still miss her.,"She told me she would have married me. I thought I needed to gender transition. It all fell to pieces. 

I don't need to get back together with her. I just wish I knew how she was doing. I wish I could see her and tell her that with some time, I understand what she was going through. 

But she's the sensitive type and I think contacting her would upset her. So I can't. 

Pathetic, I know.",the_fullest_bladder,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehgth/five_years_later_and_i_still_miss_her/,told would married thought needed gender transition fell piece need get back together wish knew wa wish could see tell time understand wa going sensitive type think contacting would upset pathetic know,five year later still miss,fullest bladder,391,38,fullest bladder told would married thought needed gender transition fell piece need get back together wish knew wa wish could see tell time understand wa going sensitive type think contacting would upset pathetic know five year later still miss
I think my mental health is just killing me slowly,"All the time I've lost to this disease, the contribution it's made to awful sleep, insomnia, and bad health in general. I wonder how many days, or how much time it's stolen and continuing to steal from my life?

Do I get to suffer for decades and then die early too, maybe when it's just starting to be light. I'm really not sure. It sucks having problems that damage your mind thrust into your life that are beyond your control. I was pretty normal, and I don't know I'll ever get close to it again. It's such a long and painful journey that no one sees, and no one understands.",VegetableEar,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehg0w/i_think_my_mental_health_is_just_killing_me_slowly/,time lost disease contribution made awful sleep insomnia bad health general wonder many day much time stolen continuing steal life get suffer decade die early maybe starting light really sure suck problem damage mind thrust life beyond control wa pretty normal know ever get close long painful journey one see one understands,think mental health killing slowly,vegetable ear,579,50,vegetable ear time lost disease contribution made awful sleep insomnia bad health general wonder many day much time stolen continuing steal life get suffer decade die early maybe starting light really sure suck problem damage mind thrust life beyond control wa pretty normal know ever get close long painful journey one see one understands think mental health killing slowly
"I'm a deadbeat, a total deadbeat, and I can only blame myself for it.","Trans girl, 17 years old. I've sat on my ass and done practically nothing for the past 2 years, got withdrawn at 15 from school due to mom worried that I'd get bullied for being trans, tried homeschooling but fell out of it. I always said that I'm not a true drop-out because I plan on getting into college at some point, but right now I don't even know if that's possible. 

My body is worthless, 6 feet tall and 130 lbs, nobody wants to date a skeleton, and if they do, maybe there is something wrong with them... I can get skinny people, but ones who are bony to the point of concern... I can't get why anyone would be attracted to me. Yet I somehow have a boyfriend. 

My jawline and brow ridge make me look like a fucking Neanderthal, and yet I've been told that I'd pass fine with estrogen, they're all just being nice. They know the crushing, suicidal feeling it is if you're ever told that you can't pass, and they simply don't want me to get pushed over the edge and end it, they're only being nice. 

Haven't gotten a job, haven't even gotten a license, and haven't done anything school related much either. I just sit on my ass and play video games, watch youtube, anime, listen to music, I just do my hobbies, I think about getting off my ass and getting my life back on track but the lack of motivation I have is weighing me down like an anvil tied to my ankles. I just feel no need to...

I'm a joke, and one with a mediocre punchline too. Somebody respectable would have done SOMETHING by now, I've been emotionally abused by my stepfather for a few years but I got over it, so I really can't use that reason or excuse. I could have had a job, had a license and be in college right now, but I can't. Because I lack any motivation, because I don't want my license to say ""male"" or my dead name, because I don't want to be discriminated or humiliated at any public workplaces for being trans, maybe if I wasn't such a lazy pussy, I could have gotten somewhere. 

But nah, I haven't, and it's all because of laziness, lack of motivation, and fear. 6 months to recover? Fair enough, a year? Maybe if it's that serious, but 2 years? Sigh... If there is one word anyone can describe me as, it would be; a failure.

I'm sorry that I let everyone down, and I'm sorry that I've disappointed you...",Juno56,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feb0p2/im_a_deadbeat_a_total_deadbeat_and_i_can_only/,trans girl 17 year old sat done practically nothing past 2 year got withdrawn 15 school due mom worried get bullied trans tried homeschooling fell always said true drop plan getting college point right even know possible body worthless 6 foot tall 130 lb nobody want date skeleton maybe something wrong get skinny people one bony point concern get anyone would attracted yet somehow boyfriend jawline brow ridge make look like fucking neanderthal yet told pas fine estrogen nice know crushing suicidal feeling ever told pas simply want get pushed edge end nice gotten job even gotten license done anything school related much either sit play video game watch youtube anime listen music hobby think getting getting life back track lack motivation weighing like anvil tied ankle feel need joke one mediocre punchline somebody respectable would done something emotionally abused stepfather year got really use reason excuse could job license college right lack motivation want license say male dead name want discriminated humiliated public workplace trans maybe lazy pussy could gotten somewhere nah laziness lack motivation fear 6 month recover fair enough year maybe serious 2 year sigh one word anyone describe would failure sorry let everyone sorry disappointed,deadbeat total deadbeat blame,juno 56,2303,69,juno 56 trans girl 17 year old sat done practically nothing past 2 year got withdrawn 15 school due mom worried get bullied trans tried homeschooling fell always said true drop plan getting college point right even know possible body worthless 6 foot tall 130 lb nobody want date skeleton maybe something wrong get skinny people one bony point concern get anyone would attracted yet somehow boyfriend jawline brow ridge make look like fucking neanderthal yet told pas fine estrogen nice know crushing suicidal feeling ever told pas simply want get pushed edge end nice gotten job even gotten license done anything school related much either sit play video game watch youtube anime listen music hobby think getting getting life back track lack motivation weighing like anvil tied ankle feel need joke one mediocre punchline somebody respectable would done something emotionally abused stepfather year got really use reason excuse could job license college right lack motivation want license say male dead name want discriminated humiliated public workplace trans maybe lazy pussy could gotten somewhere nah laziness lack motivation fear 6 month recover fair enough year maybe serious 2 year sigh one word anyone describe would failure sorry let everyone sorry disappointed deadbeat total deadbeat blame
Nearly a year into my gender transition: What I've learned. MtF,"I thought I escaped the depression. From the first dose of my Spiro and Estrogen I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. It was time to be myself and thrive. I enjoyed it. I no longer needed to hide. After a couple of months I thought I'd try dating. Of course, I expected the hate messages. I expected the slurs. What I never expected was the amount of men that maintained interest after I disclosed that I'm transgender. What I soon found was a pattern. A pattern I could not escape. It was in this moment I realized what being a living fetish is like. 

For the past nine months I've been nothing more to men than a source for pictures and a discreet fun time. I still fall for the player saying he wants something more than hooking up just to be used, ghosted, and hit up when he is drunk and horny. The first few times hurt my ego but I recovered. Having the same story for nine months straight makes me question if this is all that life has for me. 

I want nothing more than to just connect with someone. Talk with a guy about life and get to know each other. But. The only attention I ever get are if I post naughty pics or nudes. Once I show and indication that I'm human they ghost. I've made a few trans friends and the story is the same. Doesn't matter how pretty. How much they pass. We're just a fetish and nothing more. It makes sense why they're all either depressed or escorts. 

I've fought the desire to end it completely so I no longer have to deal with the loneliness. It's a crippling loneliness. I'll never find love.",cecethegreat,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefcbp/nearly_a_year_into_my_gender_transition_what_ive/,thought escaped depression first dose spiro estrogen felt huge weight shoulder wa time thrive enjoyed longer needed hide couple month thought try dating course expected hate message expected slur never expected wa amount men maintained interest disclosed transgender soon found wa pattern pattern could escape wa moment realized living fetish like past nine month nothing men source picture discreet fun time still fall player saying want something hooking used ghosted hit drunk horny first time hurt ego recovered story nine month straight make question life ha want nothing connect someone talk guy life get know attention ever get post naughty pic nude show indication human ghost made trans friend story matter pretty much pas fetish nothing make sense either depressed escort fought desire end completely longer deal loneliness crippling loneliness never find love,nearly year gender transition learned mtf,cece great,1542,63,cece great thought escaped depression first dose spiro estrogen felt huge weight shoulder wa time thrive enjoyed longer needed hide couple month thought try dating course expected hate message expected slur never expected wa amount men maintained interest disclosed transgender soon found wa pattern pattern could escape wa moment realized living fetish like past nine month nothing men source picture discreet fun time still fall player saying want something hooking used ghosted hit drunk horny first time hurt ego recovered story nine month straight make question life ha want nothing connect someone talk guy life get know attention ever get post naughty pic nude show indication human ghost made trans friend story matter pretty much pas fetish nothing make sense either depressed escort fought desire end completely longer deal loneliness crippling loneliness never find love nearly year gender transition learned mtf
Are there photographers who specializes working with people with depression?,"I suffer from extreme lonliness and endure depression from it.  

I once tried to get professional photos done and the photographer was very rude and not understanding why it was so hard to just smile or look more optimistic.  

Sounds weird but is there such a thing as photographers who understand those who are depressed and are willing to be more understanding and insightful for the depressed?",Shockwave83,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feh9k3/are_there_photographers_who_specializes_working/,suffer extreme lonliness endure depression tried get professional photo done photographer wa rude understanding wa hard smile look optimistic sound weird thing photographer understand depressed willing understanding insightful depressed,photographer specializes working people depression,shockwave 83,398,76,shockwave 83 suffer extreme lonliness endure depression tried get professional photo done photographer wa rude understanding wa hard smile look optimistic sound weird thing photographer understand depressed willing understanding insightful depressed photographer specializes working people depression
I did something I wish I didn’t [Trigger Warning] [self harm],"I bought a bottle of wine on my way home from work lastnight. Drinking alone is never good for me but I felt like I really needed to drink. Anyway 2 glasses in I’m trying to find somebody to hang out with, texting all my friends that are nearby and everyone was busy. I felt so lonely, painfully lonely, and I started hating on myself. I’ve learned to really love myself the past few years but lastnight my dark side emerged and I wanted to hurt myself. I took a knife to my leg and just started cutting, something I haven’t done since high school. When I was finished I just looked at it and knew it was a mistake, now I’m going to have to hide it till it heals. No sex, no beach/pool trips, no shorts (the weather is always warm where I live so even though it’s winter these things are still an option for me) ... I’ve limited myself by a few moments of weakness but I’m trying to forgive myself. I just had to get it off my chest. There was only one person I could talk to about it and while he did a lot for me I feel like I needed to say something about it here as well.",sunsetscorpio,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feh9d9/i_did_something_i_wish_i_didnt_trigger_warning/,bought bottle wine way home work lastnight drinking alone never good felt like really needed drink anyway 2 glass trying find somebody hang texting friend nearby everyone wa busy felt lonely painfully lonely started hating learned really love past year lastnight dark side emerged wanted hurt took knife leg started cutting something done since high school wa finished looked knew wa mistake going hide till heals sex beach pool trip short weather always warm live even though winter thing still option limited moment weakness trying forgive get chest wa one person could talk lot feel like needed say something well,something wish trigger warning self harm,sunset scorpio,1075,61,sunset scorpio bought bottle wine way home work lastnight drinking alone never good felt like really needed drink anyway 2 glass trying find somebody hang texting friend nearby everyone wa busy felt lonely painfully lonely started hating learned really love past year lastnight dark side emerged wanted hurt took knife leg started cutting something done since high school wa finished looked knew wa mistake going hide till heals sex beach pool trip short weather always warm live even though winter thing still option limited moment weakness trying forgive get chest wa one person could talk lot feel like needed say something well something wish trigger warning self harm
I want to die,"This is not a passing or intrusive thought. It’s there even when I feel OK. 

I’m ready to go now.",throaway8297338,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feaees/i_want_to_die/,passing intrusive thought even feel ok ready go,want die,thro away 8297338,98,13,thro away 8297338 passing intrusive thought even feel ok ready go want die
"All I want to do is sleep, take baths, and watch Netflix by myself! Can anyone relate?","Well, my title says it all. If I had a choice, I would sleep and hang out all day by myself. I have a cousin in town who wanted to meet me at a local art expo and I made up an excuse as to why I cannot meet him for lunch. I can tell he was disappointed and I feel lousy about it. 

My mom passed away 6 months ago (cancer), my dad lives in a memory care facility (dementia), I got divorced in September and I am estranged from my crazy brother (for good reason). 

Anyway, I’m just...not in the mood to make small talk, talk about my deceased mother and walk around an art show. 

I feel like a terrible person for not being able to meet these social obligations. Am I terrible? Anyone else feel similarly? Help, please.",redladybug1,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feh2e1/all_i_want_to_do_is_sleep_take_baths_and_watch/,well title say choice would sleep hang day cousin town wanted meet local art expo made excuse cannot meet lunch tell wa disappointed feel lousy mom passed away 6 month ago cancer dad life memory care facility dementia got divorced september estranged crazy brother good reason anyway mood make small talk talk deceased mother walk around art show feel like terrible person able meet social obligation terrible anyone else feel similarly help please,want sleep take bath watch netflix anyone relate,red ladybug 1,720,86,red ladybug 1 well title say choice would sleep hang day cousin town wanted meet local art expo made excuse cannot meet lunch tell wa disappointed feel lousy mom passed away 6 month ago cancer dad life memory care facility dementia got divorced september estranged crazy brother good reason anyway mood make small talk talk deceased mother walk around art show feel like terrible person able meet social obligation terrible anyone else feel similarly help please want sleep take bath watch netflix anyone relate
my mom just gave up on me,"Since I was young, my mom was the only person who took care of me because my dad left when I was a baby. However, during the summer before freshman year, my parents agreed to move in together and share an apartment so that I could have both of my parents. My dad made a clear that he changed for the better and he wasn't gonna be a deadbeat anymore. This arrangement only lasted for about a year and a half, however, because my dad recently moved out two weeks ago.

My dad leaving again hurt a lot because I felt like I didn't build enough of a relationship with him. I never really got to the point where I could tell him personal stuff, especially how I feel about him and his decision to leave again. It's just been adding on stress and anxiety.

Yesterday, the straw that broke the camels back erupted at school, and I ended up in a violent altercation with another student. I pushed him into the wall, and his head started to bleed. A lot. I immediately went to apologize, and he said there was no hard feelings.

I was suspended for five days, and my mom was furious after she found out. Over the last two days, she's been repeatedly telling me that she's given up on me and my dreams. She says the only place I'll ever end up is prison, and I'll never be shit. So now she's giving me to my dad because she just can't handle me anymore and all I do is make her suffer.",NinjaSnadger360,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fef07m/my_mom_just_gave_up_on_me/,since wa young mom wa person took care dad left wa baby however summer freshman year parent agreed move together share apartment could parent dad made clear changed better gonna deadbeat anymore arrangement lasted year half however dad recently moved two week ago dad leaving hurt lot felt like build enough relationship never really got point could tell personal stuff especially feel decision leave adding stress anxiety yesterday straw broke camel back erupted school ended violent altercation another student pushed wall head started bleed lot immediately went apologize said wa hard feeling wa suspended five day mom wa furious found last two day repeatedly telling given dream say place ever end prison never shit giving dad handle anymore make suffer,mom gave,ninja nad ger 360,1375,25,ninja nad ger 360 since wa young mom wa person took care dad left wa baby however summer freshman year parent agreed move together share apartment could parent dad made clear changed better gonna deadbeat anymore arrangement lasted year half however dad recently moved two week ago dad leaving hurt lot felt like build enough relationship never really got point could tell personal stuff especially feel decision leave adding stress anxiety yesterday straw broke camel back erupted school ended violent altercation another student pushed wall head started bleed lot immediately went apologize said wa hard feeling wa suspended five day mom wa furious found last two day repeatedly telling given dream say place ever end prison never shit giving dad handle anymore make suffer mom gave
How does depression work for you?,"For me, I feel numb. My brain stops working. I don't feel sadness. I feel just empty. I can't even function very simple jobs. At worst times, I can't even interpret what other people talk. I just hear, but I don't comprehend, just detect noise. I can't talk well.",VegetarianFalcon,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegxmg/how_does_depression_work_for_you/,feel numb brain stop working feel sadness feel empty even function simple job worst time even interpret people talk hear comprehend detect noise talk well,doe depression work,vegetarian falcon,263,33,vegetarian falcon feel numb brain stop working feel sadness feel empty even function simple job worst time even interpret people talk hear comprehend detect noise talk well doe depression work
goodnight,"I want to live. I'm a little, cheerful girl. I love music. Whenever I'm about to go to sleep, I take my pink mp3 player to my bed and listen to my favorite songs for hours while imagining myself as a skydiver, princess or a superhero! As I dive into the blue sky I scream so loud that my throat hurts. Maybe if I'm loud enough I won't be able to hear my mother's epileptic seizure as the nice paramedic asks me what I've been reading and if school is going good. I try to ignore my grandma crying while my grandfather just looks away from what is happening. School is going good, I'm really enjoying my art classes. The teacher says that I have some potential and that I'm a pleasure to have in class. Maybe because I rarely talk. I like when my teacher praises me, it makes me feel like I'm special - I think as I sit on my bed, with one of my CDs playing in the background.

I'm in middle school. I live in the city now. My school is bigger, more modern and it even has a cafeteria. It's always crowded yet somehow empty at the same time. I no longer have art classes. My teachers say that I'm smart but kind of lazy. All of the girls are so pretty. My cheeks are chubbier than theirs, my legs are thicker and my belly is sticking out. I skip my lunch. Looking at pictures of gorgeous and thin girls on the internet makes me feel full. I hate PE classes. I'm the only girl that can't play volleyball. I hit the ball really hard and now my hoodie is stained red. It hurts but I pretend nothing has happened. Nobody notices. 

High school is scary. Boys don't really like me. Maybe because of the way I dress or because I cut my hair very short. Starving becomes binging. I really hate my thighs. I'm the class clown. I skip school every day for a week. I overdose on medication several times. One time I almost fall down the stairs and pass out in my bathtub after overdosing on some pills. I try to kill myself. When in the ER one of my teachers is there. She looks at me. I can barely stay awake. One of the nurses tells me that I'm selfish. After coming back from hospital my teachers say that I'm the laziest student they've ever had. My mother forces me to lie so they won't put me in a psychiatric facility. I go to the psychiatrist once and never go back. Now my grandma sleeps in my room and they look through my stuff every day. I have to ask to go to the bathroom. My mom makes me stay in the guest room with only a bed, a desk and my textbooks. Dinner tastes awful. I want to die. 

College starts. My major is not that great. I have literature classes. I'm a very average student. Sometimes I remember my elementary school art teacher. I feel like I failed her. Boys still don't like me. My cheeks are still way too chubby. My body is covered in white thick lines. People stare a lot. Some ask questions some just avoid me. I still imagine and fantasize before going to sleep a lot. Skydiving turned into jumping off a bridge into a river, grand parties and colorful dresses turned into lonely college dorms, oversized t-shirts, and old sweaters, I no longer am a superhero, now I'm the one waiting for someone or something to save me. I no longer scream, I no longer put up a fight. I remember loving music but now it just gives me a headache. I'm an almost 21-year-old, tired woman. I no longer want to live. 

Goodnight.",lonblbi,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegvnr/goodnight/,want live little cheerful girl love music whenever go sleep take pink mp3 player bed listen favorite song hour imagining skydiver princess superhero dive blue sky scream loud throat hurt maybe loud enough able hear mother epileptic seizure nice paramedic asks reading school going good try ignore grandma cry grandfather look away happening school going good really enjoying art class teacher say potential pleasure class maybe rarely talk like teacher praise make feel like special think sit bed one cd playing background middle school live city school bigger modern even ha cafeteria always crowded yet somehow empty time longer art class teacher say smart kind lazy girl pretty cheek chubbier leg thicker belly sticking skip lunch looking picture gorgeous thin girl internet make feel full hate pe class girl play volleyball hit ball really hard hoodie stained red hurt pretend nothing ha happened nobody notice high school scary boy really like maybe way dress cut hair short starving becomes binging really hate thigh class clown skip school every day week overdose medication several time one time almost fall stair pas bathtub overdosing pill try kill er one teacher look barely stay awake one nurse tell selfish coming back hospital teacher say laziest student ever mother force lie put psychiatric facility go psychiatrist never go back grandma sleep room look stuff every day ask go bathroom mom make stay guest room bed desk textbook dinner taste awful want die college start major great literature class average student sometimes remember elementary school art teacher feel like failed boy still like cheek still way chubby body covered white thick line people stare lot ask question avoid still imagine fantasize going sleep lot skydiving turned jumping bridge river grand party colorful dress turned lonely college dorm oversized shirt old sweater longer superhero one waiting someone something save longer scream longer put fight remember loving music give headache almost 21 year old tired woman longer want live goodnight,goodnight,lo nbl bi,3336,9,lo nbl bi want live little cheerful girl love music whenever go sleep take pink mp3 player bed listen favorite song hour imagining skydiver princess superhero dive blue sky scream loud throat hurt maybe loud enough able hear mother epileptic seizure nice paramedic asks reading school going good try ignore grandma cry grandfather look away happening school going good really enjoying art class teacher say potential pleasure class maybe rarely talk like teacher praise make feel like special think sit bed one cd playing background middle school live city school bigger modern even ha cafeteria always crowded yet somehow empty time longer art class teacher say smart kind lazy girl pretty cheek chubbier leg thicker belly sticking skip lunch looking picture gorgeous thin girl internet make feel full hate pe class girl play volleyball hit ball really hard hoodie stained red hurt pretend nothing ha happened nobody notice high school scary boy really like maybe way dress cut hair short starving becomes binging really hate thigh class clown skip school every day week overdose medication several time one time almost fall stair pas bathtub overdosing pill try kill er one teacher look barely stay awake one nurse tell selfish coming back hospital teacher say laziest student ever mother force lie put psychiatric facility go psychiatrist never go back grandma sleep room look stuff every day ask go bathroom mom make stay guest room bed desk textbook dinner taste awful want die college start major great literature class average student sometimes remember elementary school art teacher feel like failed boy still like cheek still way chubby body covered white thick line people stare lot ask question avoid still imagine fantasize going sleep lot skydiving turned jumping bridge river grand party colorful dress turned lonely college dorm oversized shirt old sweater longer superhero one waiting someone something save longer scream longer put fight remember loving music give headache almost 21 year old tired woman longer want live goodnight goodnight
People are starting to ignore me and I feel isolated or like an outcast,"I feel as if people are ignoring me and what I say now. Some of my friends have become really popular and whenever I say hi or call their name they either look at me like they don't know me or just flat out disregard that I'm even talking to them. Barely a few friends have stuck with me at this point. My crush has seen me at my desk when I'm going through a rough time but she just ignores me.  She has talked to me frequently but it just seems that she doesn't care. One of my friends who I thought was my friend leaked out that I'm autistic and have ADHD as well as I take medications for that every day. Now, whenever I walk around school people look at me and laugh while talking shit about me. Some have called me a freak and leave the school and go to a mental asylum. I've been called a mistake so many times. All this has been affecting me emotionally and physically. This has been making my depression worse and has increased my levels of anxiety. I've been having more anxiety attacks since this all started. Everything around me is starting to become meaningless to me. Nothing other than my mom, my dog, and my little brother give me a genuine source of happiness. The people at my school have made me feel even more worthless than I was before this. I want to feel accepted by someone other than my family. (I consider my friends family as well) People who don't talk shit about me or don't look at me strangely just disregard I'm there. Maybe their all right, maybe I really am just a mistake. ",MegaDre05,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegt6n/people_are_starting_to_ignore_me_and_i_feel/,feel people ignoring say friend become really popular whenever say hi call name either look like know flat disregard even talking barely friend stuck point crush ha seen desk going rough time ignores ha talked frequently seems care one friend thought wa friend leaked autistic adhd well take medication every day whenever walk around school people look laugh talking shit called freak leave school go mental asylum called mistake many time ha affecting emotionally physically ha making depression worse ha increased level anxiety anxiety attack since started everything around starting become meaningless nothing mom dog little brother give genuine source happiness people school made feel even worthless wa want feel accepted someone family consider friend family well people talk shit look strangely disregard maybe right maybe really mistake,people starting ignore feel isolated like outcast,mega dre 05,1510,71,mega dre 05 feel people ignoring say friend become really popular whenever say hi call name either look like know flat disregard even talking barely friend stuck point crush ha seen desk going rough time ignores ha talked frequently seems care one friend thought wa friend leaked autistic adhd well take medication every day whenever walk around school people look laugh talking shit called freak leave school go mental asylum called mistake many time ha affecting emotionally physically ha making depression worse ha increased level anxiety anxiety attack since started everything around starting become meaningless nothing mom dog little brother give genuine source happiness people school made feel even worthless wa want feel accepted someone family consider friend family well people talk shit look strangely disregard maybe right maybe really mistake people starting ignore feel isolated like outcast
The only reason I’m alive.,The only reason I’m alive is for the fact I don’t want the people who care for me to feel the pain and suffering that I go through everyday if I was to commit suicide 😭 I don’t want to live anymore...,cjd29081999,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegj3g/the_only_reason_im_alive/,reason alive fact want people care feel pain suffering go everyday wa commit suicide want live anymore,reason alive,cj 29081999,200,26,cj 29081999 reason alive fact want people care feel pain suffering go everyday wa commit suicide want live anymore reason alive
What's the point?,"I have no desire to spend the next 50+ years working every day being miserable and spending my free time in misery.

Have tried therapy, been to treatment centers, almost all the anti depressants. Those work briefly. But I always go back to the miserable baseline.

I have been nothing but a financial drain on my family who still for some reason love the shit out of me. I sometimes wish they didn't so I can just die with no guilt.

Dad is about to shell out 4 grand on ketamine treatment and when that doesn't work I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I really really hope I'm wrong and this is the thing that will work.

Thanks for letting me vent.",Tannysack,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feej28/whats_the_point/,desire spend next 50 year working every day miserable spending free time misery tried therapy treatment center almost anti depressant work briefly always go back miserable baseline nothing financial drain family still reason love shit sometimes wish die guilt dad shell 4 grand ketamine treatment work know gonna really really hope wrong thing work thanks letting vent,point,tan ny sack,648,17,tan ny sack desire spend next 50 year working every day miserable spending free time misery tried therapy treatment center almost anti depressant work briefly always go back miserable baseline nothing financial drain family still reason love shit sometimes wish die guilt dad shell 4 grand ketamine treatment work know gonna really really hope wrong thing work thanks letting vent point
I feel guilty about everything,"I say sorry way too much. I get things said to me like ""why are you apologizing"" or ""you didn't do anything"". I'm a pretty shitty person in general (or I felt like I am) so I just feel guilty for everything. Some else is sad? Fuck that's my fault ain't it?",Tihanos,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feehte/i_feel_guilty_about_everything/,say sorry way much get thing said like apologizing anything pretty shitty person general felt like feel guilty everything else sad fuck fault,feel guilty everything,tih ano,256,30,tih ano say sorry way much get thing said like apologizing anything pretty shitty person general felt like feel guilty everything else sad fuck fault feel guilty everything
I feel like I'm in decline again.,"I'm generally good at hiding it, but I just don't like the way my headspace has been going lately. Moving away from friends and attending a new school has hit hard, I haven't been able to connect with many people. I've lost motivation to do even the smallest simplest things. I don't want to slip, I've gone almost 3 years without self harm and I'm proud of that, but I'm scared.",not_a_dino_butt,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feehi2/i_feel_like_im_in_decline_again/,generally good hiding like way headspace ha going lately moving away friend attending new school ha hit hard able connect many people lost motivation even smallest simplest thing want slip gone almost 3 year without self harm proud scared,feel like decline,dino butt,379,33,dino butt generally good hiding like way headspace ha going lately moving away friend attending new school ha hit hard able connect many people lost motivation even smallest simplest thing want slip gone almost 3 year without self harm proud scared feel like decline
choosing not to see you this time,"
It hurts..but I remembered the feelings I had last time I went and saw you. It hurt..I cried myself to sleep. I went to bed hurting and I woke up hurting. Once again I’m left looking dumb to go out of my way to see you. I crossed many busy roads and climbed many tall mountains to just try and please you and I still believe you truly don’t care. It’s hard letting go of the one person that once made you the happiest you had ever been in life. Looking back at when I had you I looked so different. I literally had a glow within me. You gave me that glow that made me shine so bright..you also took it away without any hesitation. I’ve never been the same since then. I’m not sure why I’ve kept you around for 2 more years after we broke up. I know deep down you will never be able to make me shine like you used to..I will never have that glow again. I will never be able to feel that love again..and it simple as to why not..because you don’t love me..you don’t care about me..It’s funny how life works. How the people you would do anything for in this world will do nothing for you. How the ones that once made you so happy now bring darkness into your life. When will one day someone fight for me..fight to keep me seeing me glow...fight to keep me happy..Hopefully soon..but for now as I wait I’ve decided to not cross any busy roads for you or climb any mountains..for now I will stay here even though it hurts I’m safer here by myself than with you.",princessmaeha199920,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegd3g/choosing_not_to_see_you_this_time/,hurt remembered feeling last time went saw hurt cried sleep went bed hurting woke hurting left looking dumb go way see crossed many busy road climbed many tall mountain try please still believe truly care hard letting go one person made happiest ever life looking back looked different literally glow within gave glow made shine bright also took away without hesitation never since sure kept around 2 year broke know deep never able make shine like used never glow never able feel love simple love care funny life work people would anything world nothing one made happy bring darkness life one day someone fight fight keep seeing glow fight keep happy hopefully soon wait decided cross busy road climb mountain stay even though hurt safer,choosing see time,princess mae ha 199920,1457,33,princess mae ha 199920 hurt remembered feeling last time went saw hurt cried sleep went bed hurting woke hurting left looking dumb go way see crossed many busy road climbed many tall mountain try please still believe truly care hard letting go one person made happiest ever life looking back looked different literally glow within gave glow made shine bright also took away without hesitation never since sure kept around 2 year broke know deep never able make shine like used never glow never able feel love simple love care funny life work people would anything world nothing one made happy bring darkness life one day someone fight fight keep seeing glow fight keep happy hopefully soon wait decided cross busy road climb mountain stay even though hurt safer choosing see time
Symbols,"Do any of you know a symbol that I can wear that means a broken soul.  The broken heart is to basic, but I want a symbol that really represents me.  I feel hopeless,broken, lonely, but I still fight.",Mysticwolfpack,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feg9au/symbols/,know symbol wear mean broken soul broken heart basic want symbol really represents feel hopeless broken lonely still fight,symbol,mystic wolfpack,199,7,mystic wolfpack know symbol wear mean broken soul broken heart basic want symbol really represents feel hopeless broken lonely still fight symbol
These are probably the last 14 days in my life.,"I’m 27 years old and I have been struggling with depression for years. Couple days ago, I have finally decided that I’m going to end this miserable life for good. I have already planned my way out properly - on 17th March, using 20 grams of Potassium Cyanide mixed with water, I need of course to find a place as far away from the crowd (i.e forest or something) then I’m just going to lay down there and finally be at peace. I’m hoping it wouldn’t be so painful. I have done research that correct dose of this poison will give you a clean death in a matter of seconds. 

Funny thing is, I don’t actually want to die. I love life. The smell of rain, the beauty of music, the taste of sugar, life is such a wonderful thing. But I just can’t take it anymore. My life is extremely difficult. I am just totally giving up. It’s just too much for me to stay alive. Thought I share my story here for those of you who are still fighting. I hope you guys aren’t as weak as I am and I hope someday you will find the light and get out of this darkness. Thank you.",HazeHendrix,73,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxqzy/these_are_probably_the_last_14_days_in_my_life/,27 year old struggling depression year couple day ago finally decided going end miserable life good already planned way properly 17th march using 20 gram potassium cyanide mixed water need course find place far away crowd e forest something going lay finally peace hoping painful done research correct dose poison give clean death matter second funny thing actually want die love life smell rain beauty music taste sugar life wonderful thing take anymore life extremely difficult totally giving much stay alive thought share story still fighting hope guy weak hope someday find light get darkness thank,probably last 14 day life,haze hendrix,1052,47,haze hendrix 27 year old struggling depression year couple day ago finally decided going end miserable life good already planned way properly 17th march using 20 gram potassium cyanide mixed water need course find place far away crowd e forest something going lay finally peace hoping painful done research correct dose poison give clean death matter second funny thing actually want die love life smell rain beauty music taste sugar life wonderful thing take anymore life extremely difficult totally giving much stay alive thought share story still fighting hope guy weak hope someday find light get darkness thank probably last 14 day life
Im tired of people thinking depression is just something you can get over within a short period of time.,"Talked to my mom today about a test I have today that I was stressing over. And the conversation turned into me wasting my potential (all in love). But what pisses me off is this just ""get over it"" mentality like what's taking me so long. And her and I both know I have to get on top of things but when you had depression for 8 years and counting this is not something you just overcome in a short period of time.

And probably what pisses me off the most is the fact she's right bc her and I both know time doesn't wait for anyone. I don't have the luxury to keep performing at the level I'm currently am.

All of this is just frustrating, ik the answer it's just a matter of applying myself.",Conflicting_Thoughts,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feg4qe/im_tired_of_people_thinking_depression_is_just/,talked mom today test today wa stressing conversation turned wasting potential love piss get mentality like taking long know get top thing depression 8 year counting something overcome short period time probably piss fact right bc know time wait anyone luxury keep performing level currently frustrating ik answer matter applying,im tired people thinking depression something get within short period time,conflicting thought,693,104,conflicting thought talked mom today test today wa stressing conversation turned wasting potential love piss get mentality like taking long know get top thing depression 8 year counting something overcome short period time probably piss fact right bc know time wait anyone luxury keep performing level currently frustrating ik answer matter applying im tired people thinking depression something get within short period time
"told my mom i wanted to die, now she’s sending my to live with my grandparents","she told me she doesn’t have the energy to deal with me anymore. i’m such a shitty daughter and if she’s had enough. idek what else to say, i just really don’t see a point anymore.",katie_ingram,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefwcr/told_my_mom_i_wanted_to_die_now_shes_sending_my/,told energy deal anymore shitty daughter enough idek else say really see point anymore,told mom wanted die sending live grandparent,katie ingram,180,78,katie ingram told energy deal anymore shitty daughter enough idek else say really see point anymore told mom wanted die sending live grandparent
help with opening up,how are you soppose to open up if you feel like its a trap if you say what on your mind,R78n,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefov1/help_with_opening_up/,soppose open feel like trap say mind,help opening,r 78 n,87,20,r 78 n soppose open feel like trap say mind help opening
"Trapped with my own monsters, until it's over","I feel so worthless for so many years now.

but the past week I feel nothing else than  desperate, pain, sadness and emptiness. 

I've realized there is no one that would be there for me, never. 

I have vacations now for a month. After the first day I felt like nothing. I'm just something. Maybe a part of the nature. I mean I do nothing the entire day nothing at all because nothing helps. Everything is just boring and I don't feel anything. I have no one to rely on, every time when I start to make a friendship the people just leave me after spending too much time with me, I mean when they start to know me a little bit everyone left me. Or they use me. I'm getting sick of everything. 

People say things will get better, I'm happy that this is true for some people but it's not for everyone. I just feel like a shadow that no one ever notices. 

I changing my current state or emotions rapidly. Like the last time I played VRChat (a pc game for the VR, where you can wander around worlds meet other people and so on) I had fun but after one second it despaired and I was mad like hell for no reason. 

I feel like their are more minds inside my own mind. other kind of personalitys. 

I just want to end it all but I'm too weak to do it by myself, I see no exit out of this emptiness it got closed. I just hope everyday to die and to forget everything. Or to stop everything for a few years to take a break and get my shit together, but it's just too late. 

I don't even have a family that I could spend my time with, Not even a friend anymore, Not even anyone. Everything is just overwhelming and too much even there is nothing. I can't even cry.

This is just something to write down my stuff and idk. damn bro I never thought it would ever came to this point",LeYuudachi,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feflbh/trapped_with_my_own_monsters_until_its_over/,feel worthless many year past week feel nothing else desperate pain sadness emptiness realized one would never vacation month first day felt like nothing something maybe part nature mean nothing entire day nothing nothing help everything boring feel anything one rely every time start make friendship people leave spending much time mean start know little bit everyone left use getting sick everything people say thing get better happy true people everyone feel like shadow one ever notice changing current state emotion rapidly like last time played vrchat pc game vr wander around world meet people fun one second despaired wa mad like hell reason feel like mind inside mind kind personality want end weak see exit emptiness got closed hope everyday die forget everything stop everything year take break get shit together late even family could spend time even friend anymore even anyone everything overwhelming much even nothing even cry something write stuff idk damn bro never thought would ever came point,trapped monster,le yuu dachi,1771,45,le yuu dachi feel worthless many year past week feel nothing else desperate pain sadness emptiness realized one would never vacation month first day felt like nothing something maybe part nature mean nothing entire day nothing nothing help everything boring feel anything one rely every time start make friendship people leave spending much time mean start know little bit everyone left use getting sick everything people say thing get better happy true people everyone feel like shadow one ever notice changing current state emotion rapidly like last time played vrchat pc game vr wander around world meet people fun one second despaired wa mad like hell reason feel like mind inside mind kind personality want end weak see exit emptiness got closed hope everyday die forget everything stop everything year take break get shit together late even family could spend time even friend anymore even anyone everything overwhelming much even nothing even cry something write stuff idk damn bro never thought would ever came point trapped monster
How do people keep up this duality?,"How do you treat someone so badly and yet maintain such a great image of yourself? How do you live with it? Especially if you're hurtful to a person, but then later act as if nothing happened?",Skullmechanics8,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefl36/how_do_people_keep_up_this_duality/,treat someone badly yet maintain great image live especially hurtful person later act nothing happened,people keep duality,skull mechanic 8,192,35,skull mechanic 8 treat someone badly yet maintain great image live especially hurtful person later act nothing happened people keep duality
My wrist is calling me again,I can't deal with this today fuck,GuyWithABlueShirt,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefk6q/my_wrist_is_calling_me_again/,deal today fuck,wrist calling,guy blue shirt,33,28,guy blue shirt deal today fuck wrist calling
PLEASE HELP ME,"Please ignore my grammatical errors
 And thank you if you are reading this 

So the thing is I am trying so hard to be happy and ignore the toxic people in life but the thing is I don't have friends, not a girlfriend. This is eating me inside making me awkward around people which gives the weird vibe around people. I am anxious around people which make me a different human which make more difficult to make friends.  

There were some people in my life which I thought would stay around me so I ignored toxicity and thought it will become better but it backfired me because when I tried to talk to them about what they have done to me they turned the table around me and blamed me for all. Now I don't know how to make myself innocent and they have played with my emotions and I want to prove myself and want pay for there deeds 

I am trying so hard to don't give a f*ck but overthinking is killing me and I am losing all my self-confidence and self-respect.",shreydhuper,14,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febyoc/please_help_me/,please ignore grammatical error thank reading thing trying hard happy ignore toxic people life thing friend girlfriend eating inside making awkward around people give weird vibe around people anxious around people make different human make difficult make friend people life thought would stay around ignored toxicity thought become better backfired tried talk done turned table around blamed know make innocent played emotion want prove want pay deed trying hard give f ck overthinking killing losing self confidence self respect,please help,sh rey dhu per,962,14,sh rey dhu per please ignore grammatical error thank reading thing trying hard happy ignore toxic people life thing friend girlfriend eating inside making awkward around people give weird vibe around people anxious around people make different human make difficult make friend people life thought would stay around ignored toxicity thought become better backfired tried talk done turned table around blamed know make innocent played emotion want prove want pay deed trying hard give f ck overthinking killing losing self confidence self respect please help
I don't even know what I'm sad about,"It's been anout 5 days since this sadness hit me, and all I've wanted to do is sleep. I don't even know what's causing it. I woke up fine (5 days ago) then at some point during the day it hit me. I can't even begin to think of any reason for it, it makes me feel selfish...my life is actually going pretty well right now :/",LillyLovatic,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefjmr/i_dont_even_know_what_im_sad_about/,anout 5 day since sadness hit wanted sleep even know causing woke fine 5 day ago point day hit even begin think reason make feel selfish life actually going pretty well right,even know sad,lilly lov tic,323,36,lilly lov tic anout 5 day since sadness hit wanted sleep even know causing woke fine 5 day ago point day hit even begin think reason make feel selfish life actually going pretty well right even know sad
I am once again asking for your time and asking if there’s anyone I can talk to.,"This is the 4th time I am asking if there’s anyone I could talk to, so please forgive me if I am being annoying. But I don’t know what else to do, I am desperate. Could you give me 5 minutes of your time?
Thanks",Paradoxxist,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefjc3/i_am_once_again_asking_for_your_time_and_asking/,4th time asking anyone could talk please forgive annoying know else desperate could give 5 minute time thanks,asking time asking anyone talk,paradox xi st,211,80,paradox xi st 4th time asking anyone could talk please forgive annoying know else desperate could give 5 minute time thanks asking time asking anyone talk
Seems like nothing that I try to do lasts or helps,"I've been going through a rough patch. I was recently diagnosed with mild depression and GAD and have worry reduction group therapy in a few weeks. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk or turn to without feeling guilty or like I am making a meal out of how i'm feeling. I try and help people who have more stressful things going on as a distraction technique but I am now feeling like I should just stop messaging or contacting people because at least then, I wont feel guilty about bothering someone. I have tried monitoring sleep but that has stopped and I am sleeping less. I tried a mood diary app on my phone but that last about a month. I also tried coming off facebook for a few weeks, but didn't notice much difference. I'm at a bit of a stand still with regards of what to do. I'm not too sure what to expect from writing this or if i'll get anything out of it. But i think the anonymity of it helps a little.",monkeyboy1597,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefh87/seems_like_nothing_that_i_try_to_do_lasts_or_helps/,going rough patch wa recently diagnosed mild depression gad worry reduction group therapy week feel like anyone talk turn without feeling guilty like making meal feeling try help people stressful thing going distraction technique feeling like stop messaging contacting people least wont feel guilty bothering someone tried monitoring sleep ha stopped sleeping le tried mood diary app phone last month also tried coming facebook week notice much difference bit stand still regard sure expect writing get anything think anonymity help little,seems like nothing try last help,monkey boy 1597,921,50,monkey boy 1597 going rough patch wa recently diagnosed mild depression gad worry reduction group therapy week feel like anyone talk turn without feeling guilty like making meal feeling try help people stressful thing going distraction technique feeling like stop messaging contacting people least wont feel guilty bothering someone tried monitoring sleep ha stopped sleeping le tried mood diary app phone last month also tried coming facebook week notice much difference bit stand still regard sure expect writing get anything think anonymity help little seems like nothing try last help
"I tried to kill myself yesterday and wanna quit the meds, long post","So i was at a party and got drunk, not i cant walk drunk, but drunk enough to make my metabolism fast enough to get rid of all the meds in my blood i guess. I just finished high school and at this party were all my classmates and the people i once called friends. 
I thought i could go there and talk to them and try to befriend them again. I miss them so much. Ive always been very shy and i thought i would drink because that makes me all bubbly and stuff, but this time it just did not work, i went right past the bubbly and the very drunk and a mess straight to i feel like i wanna die. This had never happened to me before.
So there i was, kinda off my meds and feeling depressed and there was a pool so in a place no one would notice too fast i started getting in slowly. Then i just jumped. I tried to do it but my body wouldnt all i wanted to do was sink to the bottom and numb everything out and then justgo i guess? But my body wouldnt, i couldnt physically do it.
My parents came and 4 people tried to help. Only one of which i would have expected and its not like i didnt like them i just didnt think they liked me, definatly not enough to help and im sure they will dissapear now, except for the one, but he cant take care of me like i need it. I need someone to be there all the time and i guess thats not fair.
I guess thats not fair, because thats how i lost my friends. They didnt understand i needed someone to be there and i tried to open up but i also need checkups, because i will convince myself im just bothering. 
I wanted one of my friends to help me the most, the one id known the longest, the one i had always been able to come back to, but i didnt get that she just didnt have the time or the will to help me like i needed anymore.
Now i dont wanna take the meds because i truly thought i was better. Turns out i was just drugged all the time and it feels so fake now. I thought i was happy and out of it and that soon enough my doctor would take me off them slowly. That i was starting to understand how not to be depressed, but now i think the only way to do that is to feel it and fight it, not take drugs and make it ""disappear"". Ive always been able to fight, its harder, yes, but i think i can make it.",FinalAbility7,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefg8r/i_tried_to_kill_myself_yesterday_and_wanna_quit/,wa party got drunk cant walk drunk drunk enough make metabolism fast enough get rid med blood guess finished high school party classmate people called friend thought could go talk try befriend miss much ive always shy thought would drink make bubbly stuff time work went right past bubbly drunk mess straight feel like wanna die never happened wa kinda med feeling depressed wa pool place one would notice fast started getting slowly jumped tried body wouldnt wanted wa sink bottom numb everything justgo guess body wouldnt couldnt physically parent came 4 people tried help one would expected like didnt like didnt think liked definatly enough help im sure dissapear except one cant take care like need need someone time guess thats fair guess thats fair thats lost friend didnt understand needed someone tried open also need checkup convince im bothering wanted one friend help one id known longest one always able come back didnt get didnt time help like needed anymore dont wanna take med truly thought wa better turn wa drugged time feel fake thought wa happy soon enough doctor would take slowly wa starting understand depressed think way feel fight take drug make disappear ive always able fight harder yes think make,tried kill yesterday wanna quit med long post,final ability 7,2236,67,final ability 7 wa party got drunk cant walk drunk drunk enough make metabolism fast enough get rid med blood guess finished high school party classmate people called friend thought could go talk try befriend miss much ive always shy thought would drink make bubbly stuff time work went right past bubbly drunk mess straight feel like wanna die never happened wa kinda med feeling depressed wa pool place one would notice fast started getting slowly jumped tried body wouldnt wanted wa sink bottom numb everything justgo guess body wouldnt couldnt physically parent came 4 people tried help one would expected like didnt like didnt think liked definatly enough help im sure dissapear except one cant take care like need need someone time guess thats fair guess thats fair thats lost friend didnt understand needed someone tried open also need checkup convince im bothering wanted one friend help one id known longest one always able come back didnt get didnt time help like needed anymore dont wanna take med truly thought wa better turn wa drugged time feel fake thought wa happy soon enough doctor would take slowly wa starting understand depressed think way feel fight take drug make disappear ive always able fight harder yes think make tried kill yesterday wanna quit med long post
forcing myself to appreciate my progress,"Hi! I've been battling depression for the past two years, officially diagnosed in summer 2019, currently on medication & therapy. Beating myself up every. single. day. for just being ""lazy"", and ""not being able to get it together"", as well as struggling with the thought that i somehow just tricked everybody (including the doctors) into thinking that i have depression when really i dont. 🥴  
Anyways, after another horrifying therapy session of me complaining that i am really just a piece of shit that only wants to sleep 24/7, wasting her life away not accomplishing anything, my therapist urged me to list all the things which i do DO and sort of look at them from afar and try to practice gratitude and appreciation. Here it is:

1) most days, I am able to make myself brush my teeth and on the good days even take a shower  
2) i could have given up on all work  to kind of ""sleep through"" my depression (my partner can support me financially with no trouble) however as tempting as it is I still do the work (working remotely from home) and recently took on a big project, which I was debating declining but still didn't (no idea how and if  im going to handle it but ill update you on here)  
3) roughly once a week I may feel like putting on makeup and doing my nails  
4) i am able to socialize with my best friend and truly enjoy our evenings together, which is a huge one  
5) i am now able to recognise that the meds do really help and I stopped having hysterical breakdowns and intrusive, disturbing thoughts  
6) i have never missed a day of therapy  
7) even though my sleep schedule is non-existence (sleeping every 4 hours during the course of a day) I still pull myself out of bed, have breakfast, maybe out on some clothes and go out to work in a cafe, even if for just an hour

I think that's about it. I do feel better. Will update on my progress.",battlewithdep,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefg7d/forcing_myself_to_appreciate_my_progress/,hi battling depression past two year officially diagnosed summer 2019 currently medication amp therapy beating every single day lazy able get together well struggling thought somehow tricked everybody including doctor thinking depression really dont anyways another horrifying therapy session complaining really piece shit want sleep 24 7 wasting life away accomplishing anything therapist urged list thing sort look afar try practice gratitude appreciation 1 day able make brush teeth good day even take shower 2 could given work kind sleep depression partner support financially trouble however tempting still work working remotely home recently took big project wa debating declining still idea im going handle ill update 3 roughly week may feel like putting makeup nail 4 able socialize best friend truly enjoy evening together huge one 5 able recognise med really help stopped hysterical breakdown intrusive disturbing thought 6 never missed day therapy 7 even though sleep schedule non existence sleeping every 4 hour course day still pull bed breakfast maybe clothes go work cafe even hour think feel better update progress,forcing appreciate progress,battle dep,1874,40,battle dep hi battling depression past two year officially diagnosed summer 2019 currently medication amp therapy beating every single day lazy able get together well struggling thought somehow tricked everybody including doctor thinking depression really dont anyways another horrifying therapy session complaining really piece shit want sleep 24 7 wasting life away accomplishing anything therapist urged list thing sort look afar try practice gratitude appreciation 1 day able make brush teeth good day even take shower 2 could given work kind sleep depression partner support financially trouble however tempting still work working remotely home recently took big project wa debating declining still idea im going handle ill update 3 roughly week may feel like putting makeup nail 4 able socialize best friend truly enjoy evening together huge one 5 able recognise med really help stopped hysterical breakdown intrusive disturbing thought 6 never missed day therapy 7 even though sleep schedule non existence sleeping every 4 hour course day still pull bed breakfast maybe clothes go work cafe even hour think feel better update progress forcing appreciate progress
Every once in a while I remember I'm useless,"I feel like there are only three things that you absolutely cannot be, dumb, ugly, and useless. I've gotten through life fairly well being able to somewhat accept the dumb and ugly part, I tried to blame it on other factors for a while but they're just an integral part of who I am. What I can't get passed is being useless and having no skill whatsoever. I fall into all three categories and wish that I had just given up on life sooner.",myfirstthrowaway7898,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feffzj/every_once_in_a_while_i_remember_im_useless/,feel like three thing absolutely cannot dumb ugly useless gotten life fairly well able somewhat accept dumb ugly part tried blame factor integral part get passed useless skill whatsoever fall three category wish given life sooner,every remember useless,first throwaway 7898,438,44,first throwaway 7898 feel like three thing absolutely cannot dumb ugly useless gotten life fairly well able somewhat accept dumb ugly part tried blame factor integral part get passed useless skill whatsoever fall three category wish given life sooner every remember useless
I just feel lost and directionless.,"It's nearly midnight where I am. I'm sitting in my bed, unable to sleep, and hitting a burnt vape. I have no job, no money, no passion or motivation, no coping mechanisms, and generally no happiness. I feel absolutely lost. I just wish I had some sort of purpose, but I just don't. I do nothing almost everyday, but have too much anxiety to do much else. I don't understand how people can get out of bed everyday and just do SOMETHING. I don't have motivation to really LIVE, but I continue existing for a reason I don't even know. All of my friends are depressed and feel generally lost too. But they have jobs and get shit done. And I just don't. I feel like a ship just dead at sea. I don't want to die, but just want to escape.",Dragunov14,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe90e4/i_just_feel_lost_and_directionless/,nearly midnight sitting bed unable sleep hitting burnt vape job money passion motivation coping mechanism generally happiness feel absolutely lost wish sort purpose nothing almost everyday much anxiety much else understand people get bed everyday something motivation really live continue existing reason even know friend depressed feel generally lost job get shit done feel like ship dead sea want die want escape,feel lost directionless,dragunov 14,731,35,dragunov 14 nearly midnight sitting bed unable sleep hitting burnt vape job money passion motivation coping mechanism generally happiness feel absolutely lost wish sort purpose nothing almost everyday much anxiety much else understand people get bed everyday something motivation really live continue existing reason even know friend depressed feel generally lost job get shit done feel like ship dead sea want die want escape feel lost directionless
My parents always thought I was lazy,"as the title states my parents always thought I was lazy in my highschool days, but I was just unbelievably depressed. Can anyone else relate? 

was I lazy at times? Hell yea brother but isn’t everyone at some point? They’d call me lazy if I hung out in my bedroom, didn’t shower, ect went on for all my highschool days even when I was on a football team my whole highschool life never came home till 6 and was gone Friday/Saturday nights out with friends, cleaned up as much as a teenager does. 

My point being why didn’t my parents ever sit me down and talk to me and explain it? I remember having tears coming down my face as 14 year old me held a knife in the kitchen as my step dad walked towards the laundry room I had a sigh of relief that someone would help but he didn’t mention it or see me or talk to me. I feel like if they would’ve just sat me down after seeing these signs they’d know and I’d be way better developed then I am now cause I’m just learning these things now. I had no idea it was even depression I thought something was wrong with me, still do till this day. They determined I was the quiet one and didn’t like to talk much but up until highschool I never had that problem, I felt like I got sunk into a depression and never really came out of it and now I’m stuck being profiled as this guy I’m not, even when I speak I get spoken over like it’s a primal thing or them trying to shun my words? 

I don’t want people to think my parents where bad they were great but I just don’t understand it at all. For me when I have kids I’d make sure to see the quiet signs 

Thanks for listening",Petkilb,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3xn5/my_parents_always_thought_i_was_lazy/,title state parent always thought wa lazy highschool day wa unbelievably depressed anyone else relate wa lazy time hell yea brother everyone point call lazy hung bedroom shower ect went highschool day even wa football team whole highschool life never came home till 6 wa gone friday saturday night friend cleaned much teenager doe point parent ever sit talk explain remember tear coming face 14 year old held knife kitchen step dad walked towards laundry room sigh relief someone would help mention see talk feel like would sat seeing sign know way better developed cause learning thing idea wa even depression thought something wa wrong still till day determined wa quiet one like talk much highschool never problem felt like got sunk depression never really came stuck profiled guy even speak get spoken like primal thing trying shun word want people think parent bad great understand kid make sure see quiet sign thanks listening,parent always thought wa lazy,pet ki lb,1614,36,pet ki lb title state parent always thought wa lazy highschool day wa unbelievably depressed anyone else relate wa lazy time hell yea brother everyone point call lazy hung bedroom shower ect went highschool day even wa football team whole highschool life never came home till 6 wa gone friday saturday night friend cleaned much teenager doe point parent ever sit talk explain remember tear coming face 14 year old held knife kitchen step dad walked towards laundry room sigh relief someone would help mention see talk feel like would sat seeing sign know way better developed cause learning thing idea wa even depression thought something wa wrong still till day determined wa quiet one like talk much highschool never problem felt like got sunk depression never really came stuck profiled guy even speak get spoken like primal thing trying shun word want people think parent bad great understand kid make sure see quiet sign thanks listening parent always thought wa lazy
I'm a mess right now,"I have no one to listen to my problems so I thought I would write them down. Then I decided to post it on here. 

Just moved to a new city and started at a new school. I don't miss anything from my old hometown, I'm actually quite happy to be somewhere else. Moving has been tough though. I had to give up my cat and say goodbye to my friends.

I have kind of 'joined' a group of friends at school. They're all pretty nice. The dynamic of the group is a little weird though. Its like 50% introverts who don't talk much, myself included, and 50% strongly opinionated extroverts. They mostly seem like a nice group of people though. In regard to making friends, things have gone pretty well. Trying to form deep relationships with people is a hard and long process though. It's hard not to get impatient and blame myself though. I feel like I'm being ungrateful because even though I think I've been lucky in finding a group of friends, which is exactly what I want, I still feel so shit.

I've never been diagnosed but I think I could have depression and/or anxiety. I would love to get some medication if it would ease the pain, but I don't want to tell my parents how I feel.

Over the past few years I've thought of suicide probably at least once a month, usually weekly or daily though, and planned it two or three times in my life. I've been thinking about it a lot recently. I've been researching pills I can get at a chemist that I could overdose on and I've found a suicide bridge that's very close to my house. I've been told that I should live for all the good moments in life, but the effort it takes to reach those moments doesn't seem worth it sometimes.

I'm starting to find it hard to trust myself. I'm like a different person from day to day, or even hour to hour. During the brief moments when I feel happy about something I worry about my emotions causing me to do something I regret. When I'm sad or empty it's all I can think about.

There's this girl who's not in my new social circle but who has been really nice to me. She seems like a really nice person. We don't see each other much but she always makes an effort to greet me. I'm unsure whether her intentions are romantic or platonic and it's making me dizzy. I really want us to become better friends or maybe more, but I am not great at social interaction and always make myself feel shit about every little mistake I make. I feel kind of like It'll never happen, yet I spent the whole afternoon texting her. I feel like I'm going insane.

The people I admire most are the ones that seem like the nicest people you could ever know and make you feel happy just being present or after a short conversation and you're always left wanting more from them. I aspire to be like this and make other people happy. I need to remember to smile more though.

Usually I have a high libido but the past two weeks my drive has literally been non-existent. A month ago my shit suddenly became sloppy even though my diet is quite healthy and hasn't changed much, I think it is anxiety causing me to be extremely tense all the time. I just started waking up at 4am every morning out of nowhere and I can't stop. I don't know what the fuck is happening to me.

I feel so lonely. I just want someone to talk to and listen to. Getting to that point with someone new takes time and I'm getting kind of impatient.

I don't know what to do to make myself happy. If things worked out with this girl I think I would be happier, yet the thought of her losing interest in me makes me feel awful.

Wow, this ended up really long.",throwaway656543,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecjgp/im_a_mess_right_now/,one listen problem thought would write decided post moved new city started new school miss anything old hometown actually quite happy somewhere else moving ha tough though give cat say goodbye friend kind joined group friend school pretty nice dynamic group little weird though like 50 introvert talk much included 50 strongly opinionated extrovert mostly seem like nice group people though regard making friend thing gone pretty well trying form deep relationship people hard long process though hard get impatient blame though feel like ungrateful even though think lucky finding group friend exactly want still feel shit never diagnosed think could depression anxiety would love get medication would ease pain want tell parent feel past year thought suicide probably least month usually weekly daily though planned two three time life thinking lot recently researching pill get chemist could overdose found suicide bridge close house told live good moment life effort take reach moment seem worth sometimes starting find hard trust like different person day day even hour hour brief moment feel happy something worry emotion causing something regret sad empty think girl new social circle ha really nice seems like really nice person see much always make effort greet unsure whether intention romantic platonic making dizzy really want u become better friend maybe great social interaction always make feel shit every little mistake make feel kind like never happen yet spent whole afternoon texting feel like going insane people admire one seem like nicest people could ever know make feel happy present short conversation always left wanting aspire like make people happy need remember smile though usually high libido past two week drive ha literally non existent month ago shit suddenly became sloppy even though diet quite healthy changed much think anxiety causing extremely tense time started waking 4am every morning nowhere stop know fuck happening feel lonely want someone talk listen getting point someone new take time getting kind impatient know make happy thing worked girl think would happier yet thought losing interest make feel awful wow ended really long,mess right,throwaway 656543,3579,20,throwaway 656543 one listen problem thought would write decided post moved new city started new school miss anything old hometown actually quite happy somewhere else moving ha tough though give cat say goodbye friend kind joined group friend school pretty nice dynamic group little weird though like 50 introvert talk much included 50 strongly opinionated extrovert mostly seem like nice group people though regard making friend thing gone pretty well trying form deep relationship people hard long process though hard get impatient blame though feel like ungrateful even though think lucky finding group friend exactly want still feel shit never diagnosed think could depression anxiety would love get medication would ease pain want tell parent feel past year thought suicide probably least month usually weekly daily though planned two three time life thinking lot recently researching pill get chemist could overdose found suicide bridge close house told live good moment life effort take reach moment seem worth sometimes starting find hard trust like different person day day even hour hour brief moment feel happy something worry emotion causing something regret sad empty think girl new social circle ha really nice seems like really nice person see much always make effort greet unsure whether intention romantic platonic making dizzy really want u become better friend maybe great social interaction always make feel shit every little mistake make feel kind like never happen yet spent whole afternoon texting feel like going insane people admire one seem like nicest people could ever know make feel happy present short conversation always left wanting aspire like make people happy need remember smile though usually high libido past two week drive ha literally non existent month ago shit suddenly became sloppy even though diet quite healthy changed much think anxiety causing extremely tense time started waking 4am every morning nowhere stop know fuck happening feel lonely want someone talk listen getting point someone new take time getting kind impatient know make happy thing worked girl think would happier yet thought losing interest make feel awful wow ended really long mess right
I hate therapists,"I tried going to a therapist and after they listen to you instead of saying anything good they tell you dumb shit like write down your feelings in a journal every day, like what the fuck I feel like shit every day!

Edit: I am not saying I expect some magic word or crap like that and it’ll all be better, I just thought there was some better advice for stuff I could do to stop feeling like shit all the time.",100753375,20,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2rll/i_hate_therapists/,tried going therapist listen instead saying anything good tell dumb shit like write feeling journal every day like fuck feel like shit every day edit saying expect magic word crap like better thought wa better advice stuff could stop feeling like shit time,hate therapist,100753375,410,17,100753375 tried going therapist listen instead saying anything good tell dumb shit like write feeling journal every day like fuck feel like shit every day edit saying expect magic word crap like better thought wa better advice stuff could stop feeling like shit time hate therapist
Missing the sadness,"I suffered with depression for many years, and haven recently reached a turning point in my life where I finally feel good again, but somethings a little off, all my emotions are less extreme, sadness passes in minutes now and is nowhere near the intensity is was before, but I feel this weird longing to feel an emotion to that same depth and extreme again, has anyone else experienced this? Or am I going mad?
It’s like I was so used to the emotion everything else feels uncomfortable now.

I feel so stupid for feeling like this, I’m lucky enough to (it appears so far) gotten past the darkness that defined my teens and early adulthood, and I have this sick lust to feel it again?

It also come with this constant creeping fear that this ‘ok’ness I’m feeling now is a facade, that soon something will happen and I will fall back into my old state instantly.

The conflict of this fear and the longing is driving me a little mad.
I can’t talk to anyone I know about it because I’m pretty sure I’m gonna sound insane, so I guess I’m asking you guys.

TLDR: recovered from depression but missing the depth to which I felt emotions before, missing the release that comes with sadness of that extreme, every other emotion feels a little uncomfortable now, Anyone else experienced this?",FueledByNicotine,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedjs4/missing_the_sadness/,suffered depression many year recently reached turning point life finally feel good somethings little emotion le extreme sadness pass minute nowhere near intensity wa feel weird longing feel emotion depth extreme ha anyone else experienced going mad like wa used emotion everything else feel uncomfortable feel stupid feeling like lucky enough appears far gotten past darkness defined teen early adulthood sick lust feel also come constant creeping fear ok ness feeling facade soon something happen fall back old state instantly conflict fear longing driving little mad talk anyone know pretty sure gonna sound insane guess asking guy tldr recovered depression missing depth felt emotion missing release come sadness extreme every emotion feel little uncomfortable anyone else experienced,missing sadness,fueled nicotine,1284,19,fueled nicotine suffered depression many year recently reached turning point life finally feel good somethings little emotion le extreme sadness pass minute nowhere near intensity wa feel weird longing feel emotion depth extreme ha anyone else experienced going mad like wa used emotion everything else feel uncomfortable feel stupid feeling like lucky enough appears far gotten past darkness defined teen early adulthood sick lust feel also come constant creeping fear ok ness feeling facade soon something happen fall back old state instantly conflict fear longing driving little mad talk anyone know pretty sure gonna sound insane guess asking guy tldr recovered depression missing depth felt emotion missing release come sadness extreme every emotion feel little uncomfortable anyone else experienced missing sadness
Complete dissatisfied human being.,"So I‘m a bit excited about writing a post about it. I‘m struggling from severe depression since I‘m 11. I‘m also not the one who‘s crying over things happened in the past. It’s about my condition I‘ve been living with the last years and want some advices about how to finally be able to handle it.

Everyday I wake up with great dissatisfaction. Always in a bad mood. No motivation at all. Always tired and sleepy and feeling totally lost. I‘ve lost interest in nearly everything - drawing, music, singing... Not knowing what to do, I fear the future ahead of me. I was once totally into Design... thought this is what I‘m going to do. However, I‘ve also lost the interest in it. It was a gradual change and I can’t even explain why it happened since I was always passionate about it. 

Now I‘m sitting there - day by day - everything is annoying, not interesting anymore, not worth it and stressful to me. I feel like I fell into an Abyss with my head full of negative thoughts. I don’t know who I am neither am I satisfied with how the situation isn’t changing. I tried meditation once. It was a good experience. But I‘m not even in the mood to continue what might help me out of this situation. The only thing I’m currently doing is just playing games the whole day so I won’t be confronted with all those bad thoughts flooding my mind.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m really grateful for what I have. Being able to sleep on a bed, having enough food and embracing the small things in live. I don’t like it fancy. I just want to find happiness and being able to laugh again. 

Does someone experienced the same? What did you do to get out of it?",mochicafe,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fef60f/complete_dissatisfied_human_being/,bit excited writing post struggling severe depression since 11 also one cry thing happened past condition living last year want advice finally able handle everyday wake great dissatisfaction always bad mood motivation always tired sleepy feeling totally lost lost interest nearly everything drawing music singing knowing fear future ahead wa totally design thought going however also lost interest wa gradual change even explain happened since wa always passionate sitting day day everything annoying interesting anymore worth stressful feel like fell abyss head full negative thought know neither satisfied situation changing tried meditation wa good experience even mood continue might help situation thing currently playing game whole day confronted bad thought flooding mind get wrong really grateful able sleep bed enough food embracing small thing live like fancy want find happiness able laugh doe someone experienced get,complete dissatisfied human,mochi cafe,1641,34,mochi cafe bit excited writing post struggling severe depression since 11 also one cry thing happened past condition living last year want advice finally able handle everyday wake great dissatisfaction always bad mood motivation always tired sleepy feeling totally lost lost interest nearly everything drawing music singing knowing fear future ahead wa totally design thought going however also lost interest wa gradual change even explain happened since wa always passionate sitting day day everything annoying interesting anymore worth stressful feel like fell abyss head full negative thought know neither satisfied situation changing tried meditation wa good experience even mood continue might help situation thing currently playing game whole day confronted bad thought flooding mind get wrong really grateful able sleep bed enough food embracing small thing live like fancy want find happiness able laugh doe someone experienced get complete dissatisfied human
How do you deal with brain fog?,I have trouble focusing and I’m supposed to be studying at least 6 hrs a day. Brain fog is also known as cognitive dysfunction btw. I am super slow when it comes to more difficult subjects. I take so many breaks bc I dislike the feeling of frustration and I just want to forget all my responsibilities.,rosych333ks,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fef52j/how_do_you_deal_with_brain_fog/,trouble focusing supposed studying least 6 hr day brain fog also known cognitive dysfunction btw super slow come difficult subject take many break bc dislike feeling frustration want forget responsibility,deal brain fog,rosy ch 333 k,302,31,rosy ch 333 k trouble focusing supposed studying least 6 hr day brain fog also known cognitive dysfunction btw super slow come difficult subject take many break bc dislike feeling frustration want forget responsibility deal brain fog
I wake up and I’m already in pain,"Fuck everything I’ve worked so hard and prayed so much and it’s all still going so bad.

I don’t know what to do anymore I can’t even wake up without crying I hate this",1942194226,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecdqj/i_wake_up_and_im_already_in_pain/,fuck everything worked hard prayed much still going bad know anymore even wake without cry hate,wake already pain,1942194226,168,33,1942194226 fuck everything worked hard prayed much still going bad know anymore even wake without cry hate wake already pain
I hate going home,"Every time I go home, I'll start to overthink.

Then the feels would just all come attacking me.

Staying at the office just lets me forget the things that haunts me.

Sometimes I would just lay in the rest area for hours with a relaxed feeling and it would be the opposite when I get home.

The only reason I go home is because I have to take care of the family.

I even get good sleeps at the office than at home.",hizmanhisham,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feb586/i_hate_going_home/,every time go home start overthink feel would come attacking staying office let forget thing haunt sometimes would lay rest area hour relaxed feeling would opposite get home reason go home take care family even get good sleep office home,hate going home,hi z man hisham,415,17,hi z man hisham every time go home start overthink feel would come attacking staying office let forget thing haunt sometimes would lay rest area hour relaxed feeling would opposite get home reason go home take care family even get good sleep office home hate going home
What’s the point of life,"I don’t understand how I’m feeling and all I can describe it as is numbness but it’s past that point and I’ve felt like this for a long time, I feel like I don’t belong to this life like it isn’t for me. I can’t see myself in any career, my own family my own little life I can’t see it , I’m so disconnected from social interaction I don’t leave my house much and the sad thing is as much as I hate it I don’t want to change it I have no motivation I’m so tired to the point I don’t see a point on living when I’m so tired I can’t do daily life like everyone. What is the point to this life? How do you really find happiness I feel nothing I get the occasional anger and I’m always Irritated but besides that I feel nothing and I hate it I can’t cry I can’t laugh I can’t feel anything",mellcross,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fec9sf/whats_the_point_of_life/,understand feeling describe numbness past point felt like long time feel like belong life like see career family little life see disconnected social interaction leave house much sad thing much hate want change motivation tired point see point living tired daily life like everyone point life really find happiness feel nothing get occasional anger always irritated besides feel nothing hate cry laugh feel anything,point life,mell cross,785,24,mell cross understand feeling describe numbness past point felt like long time feel like belong life like see career family little life see disconnected social interaction leave house much sad thing much hate want change motivation tired point see point living tired daily life like everyone point life really find happiness feel nothing get occasional anger always irritated besides feel nothing hate cry laugh feel anything point life
coming off antidepressants?,"i’ve been on sertraline/Zoloft for a couple months. i felt like it was really doing something for me, but i’ve been without it for a couple weeks now, because my parents kinda suck and i can’t pick up my own prescription, and i feel horrible. like, the absolute lowest i have ever felt and i don’t know if that’s normal when you stop taking your meds. i don’t really know what to do, i felt like i started to be able to actually function like a regular person, and now i’m back in my hole.",feelslikeaveggie,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feevdm/coming_off_antidepressants/,sertraline zoloft couple month felt like wa really something without couple week parent kinda suck pick prescription feel horrible like absolute lowest ever felt know normal stop taking med really know felt like started able actually function like regular person back hole,coming antidepressant,feel like veggie,489,27,feel like veggie sertraline zoloft couple month felt like wa really something without couple week parent kinda suck pick prescription feel horrible like absolute lowest ever felt know normal stop taking med really know felt like started able actually function like regular person back hole coming antidepressant
Hi,"Ive been really depressed lately... My math subject at school failed, i keep thinking i wont graduate, i have no energy to go to school anymore so i fake everything and go to a nearby computer cafe even though i only have enough money to commute to my school. I know lifes hard but theres something in my brain that broke... Im not crazy though just uncaring. But i noticed i suddenly grew an interest on one of our kitchen knives, not like to hurt people, its just an odd interest where you imagine the knife killing you painlessly.
But the thing is, i have a phobia of sharp things so i grew up cautious with sharp objects including knives... Its not really bad, i just do stabbing motions on myself, but the point is i consider doing that normal.
I also keep daydreaming while walking and oddly enough i daydream about me getting in a car crash or something similar, which i has a  high chance of happening considering im daydreaming. Another point is my fake laughter, i dont know why i keep doing it. I know im probably mentally ill but i have no why of knowing since psychiatrists and therapists costs very much in my country. Anyway im just rambling about my problems but i have a feeling itll all end soon. Just a feeling...",Gizxix,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feeugm/hi/,ive really depressed lately math subject school failed keep thinking wont graduate energy go school anymore fake everything go nearby computer cafe even though enough money commute school know life hard something brain broke im crazy though uncaring noticed suddenly grew interest one kitchen knife like hurt people odd interest imagine knife killing painlessly thing phobia sharp thing grew cautious sharp object including knife really bad stabbing motion point consider normal also keep daydreaming walking oddly enough daydream getting car crash something similar ha high chance happening considering im daydreaming another point fake laughter dont know keep know im probably mentally ill knowing since psychiatrist therapist cost much country anyway im rambling problem feeling itll end soon feeling,hi,g iz xix,1232,2,g iz xix ive really depressed lately math subject school failed keep thinking wont graduate energy go school anymore fake everything go nearby computer cafe even though enough money commute school know life hard something brain broke im crazy though uncaring noticed suddenly grew interest one kitchen knife like hurt people odd interest imagine knife killing painlessly thing phobia sharp thing grew cautious sharp object including knife really bad stabbing motion point consider normal also keep daydreaming walking oddly enough daydream getting car crash something similar ha high chance happening considering im daydreaming another point fake laughter dont know keep know im probably mentally ill knowing since psychiatrist therapist cost much country anyway im rambling problem feeling itll end soon feeling hi
Every day for the last 6 months I’ve thought of killing myself.,"I keep waking up with an immediate dread having to be here. Nothing brings me joy anymore and the things that seem promising quickly turn into bitter disappointment. I dont want to go through the motions anymore. My life isnt objectively bad, but subjectively Im miserable and severely depressed. Ive never really planned on life past 30 and I dont want to grow old. I dont fit it anywhere and I’m constantly ignored by the few that catch my interest. My life is gray and I cant imagine a future where I’m truly happy, everything is so fake.",LT_BOOBIEDAN13lz,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fed2yn/every_day_for_the_last_6_months_ive_thought_of/,keep waking immediate dread nothing brings joy anymore thing seem promising quickly turn bitter disappointment dont want go motion anymore life isnt objectively bad subjectively im miserable severely depressed ive never really planned life past 30 dont want grow old dont fit anywhere constantly ignored catch interest life gray cant imagine future truly happy everything fake,every day last 6 month thought killing,lt bo obie dan 13 lz,541,63,lt bo obie dan 13 lz keep waking immediate dread nothing brings joy anymore thing seem promising quickly turn bitter disappointment dont want go motion anymore life isnt objectively bad subjectively im miserable severely depressed ive never really planned life past 30 dont want grow old dont fit anywhere constantly ignored catch interest life gray cant imagine future truly happy everything fake every day last 6 month thought killing
Miserable College Student,"I hate college. I hate myself. I hate everyone else who attends my college.

I wish I could just lay in my bed in my dorm room all day, so I would not have to see anybody or do anything. I have no passions or interests, only tasks that I must complete so that I can return to laying in my bed. 

I used to be a high achieving student in high school in academics and athletics. Now I am a washed up bum who can not perform the simplest of tasks correctly; I am so pathetic. I had such high hopes of using the ivy-league college I worked hard to get into as a spring board for a successful career, but I have already failed miserably. I do not have the skills one needs to make it in the real world.

I feel so lethargic and weak. I struggle my way through sports practice everyday. I do not know how much longer I can keep going. I wish I could just disappear and never be seen by anyone again.

 I am a complete fucking failure.",PointlessLoser,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feeqi3/miserable_college_student/,hate college hate hate everyone else attends college wish could lay bed dorm room day would see anybody anything passion interest task must complete return laying bed used high achieving student high school academic athletics washed bum perform simplest task correctly pathetic high hope using ivy league college worked hard get spring board successful career already failed miserably skill one need make real world feel lethargic weak struggle way sport practice everyday know much longer keep going wish could disappear never seen anyone complete fucking failure,miserable college student,pointless loser,928,25,pointless loser hate college hate hate everyone else attends college wish could lay bed dorm room day would see anybody anything passion interest task must complete return laying bed used high achieving student high school academic athletics washed bum perform simplest task correctly pathetic high hope using ivy league college worked hard get spring board successful career already failed miserably skill one need make real world feel lethargic weak struggle way sport practice everyday know much longer keep going wish could disappear never seen anyone complete fucking failure miserable college student
Depression,I am depressed and wanna die my own family puts me down! I am trying to grow my youtube channel and nothing works! What to do? I am losing interest in all my favourite things I just wanna die!,JulieZimmi,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feeoyl/depression/,depressed wanna die family put trying grow youtube channel nothing work losing interest favourite thing wanna die,depression,julie zim mi,192,10,julie zim mi depressed wanna die family put trying grow youtube channel nothing work losing interest favourite thing wanna die depression
I just can't get out of bed,"I'm sick. I can't get out of bed. I am stuck. Can barely read. I wish I was dead. IDK how I managed to get so far. 


I'm always tired.",xoxo_gurl,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fed13l/i_just_cant_get_out_of_bed/,sick get bed stuck barely read wish wa dead idk managed get far always tired,get bed,x oxo g url,135,27,x oxo g url sick get bed stuck barely read wish wa dead idk managed get far always tired get bed
I dont deserve to be loved,"I dont deserve love. Im fucked up and im a mess. The reason why i dont have a relationship is because i feel like people deserve something better than me. Im shit. Im trash. No one loves me and the few who tried gave up. They all gave up. At my funeral who will cry ? I guess people would not even show up. No one cares. I have no friends texting me, im just the guy in the group no one is best friend with but i still hang out. Im alone. Im lost. Im drinking again, dont know what else to do to numb the pain. Maybe my death will end this. I deserve death not love. Maybe ill die tomorow. Maybe in 10 years. Only time will tell. I survived 4 suicide attemps for this life and nothing is doing better.",Bob_The_Quiche,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehuz1/i_dont_deserve_to_be_loved/,dont deserve love im fucked im mess reason dont relationship feel like people deserve something better im shit im trash one love tried gave gave funeral cry guess people would even show one care friend texting im guy group one best friend still hang im alone im lost im drinking dont know else numb pain maybe death end deserve death love maybe ill die tomorow maybe 10 year time tell survived 4 suicide attemps life nothing better,dont deserve loved,bob quiche,701,26,bob quiche dont deserve love im fucked im mess reason dont relationship feel like people deserve something better im shit im trash one love tried gave gave funeral cry guess people would even show one care friend texting im guy group one best friend still hang im alone im lost im drinking dont know else numb pain maybe death end deserve death love maybe ill die tomorow maybe 10 year time tell survived 4 suicide attemps life nothing better dont deserve loved
Money doesn’t buy happiness,"When you can have anything you want, but you can’t feel happiness, then it’s like you have nothing at all.",TheGrandMan10,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feeg2a/money_doesnt_buy_happiness/,anything want feel happiness like nothing,money buy happiness,grand man 10,106,27,grand man 10 anything want feel happiness like nothing money buy happiness
Medication works!!!,"I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression right now and I have been taking prescription meds for the last couple weeks. It really helps! 

A little background- I got out of a 6 year relationship due to not seeing a future with my ex in December 2019. And then one person who I thought was really close friend of mine, decided he did not want to be friends with me anymore and cut all contacts with me. I get emotionally attached wayyy too easily and this led to me having anxiety, panic attacks and depression - which eventually led to insomnia, IBS, migraines and constant body aches. 

I started therapy in feb 2020 and have been since going to my therapist every week. And my therapist suggested I look at options for medication and try it. So since the last 2 weeks, I’m on Lexapro (SSRI) and my psychiatrist did tell me that it is going to take a few weeks to see changes. But for the last 3/4 days I have been observing that my energy levels have increased because I have been able to sleep well and it is so much better. My IBS has decreased and I haven’t got any migraines. I’m really really glad the medication is helping. If anyone is out there looking of options, and one the fence of trying medication, go for it. I’m sure if it working and it will help.",pastasandpizzas,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feefas/medication_works/,diagnosed anxiety depression right taking prescription med last couple week really help little background got 6 year relationship due seeing future ex december 2019 one person thought wa really close friend mine decided want friend anymore cut contact get emotionally attached wayyy easily led anxiety panic attack depression eventually led insomnia ibs migraine constant body ache started therapy feb 2020 since going therapist every week therapist suggested look option medication try since last 2 week lexapro ssri psychiatrist tell going take week see change last 3 4 day observing energy level increased able sleep well much better ibs ha decreased got migraine really really glad medication helping anyone looking option one fence trying medication go sure working help,medication work,pasta pizza,1274,19,pasta pizza diagnosed anxiety depression right taking prescription med last couple week really help little background got 6 year relationship due seeing future ex december 2019 one person thought wa really close friend mine decided want friend anymore cut contact get emotionally attached wayyy easily led anxiety panic attack depression eventually led insomnia ibs migraine constant body ache started therapy feb 2020 since going therapist every week therapist suggested look option medication try since last 2 week lexapro ssri psychiatrist tell going take week see change last 3 4 day observing energy level increased able sleep well much better ibs ha decreased got migraine really really glad medication helping anyone looking option one fence trying medication go sure working help medication work
Almost done,I do not know how much more pain I can take. It hurts and I am tired of being ignored.,KittyButt42,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feht9y/almost_done/,know much pain take hurt tired ignored,almost done,kitty butt 42,86,11,kitty butt 42 know much pain take hurt tired ignored almost done
My cake day. Today marks 1 year since I left an abusive relationship.,"1 year ago, I left for good. I was a reddit lurker for a while but never made an account. The day I left, I felt so free, yet I was the loneliest I’ve ever felt . I was completely lost and confused. I made a reddit account this day a year ago and found comfort in this platform. I am not the same person I was a year ago and it has been so hard piecing myself together. I’ve learned many things along the way. I am still growing and working on myself. I still have a long way to go but I feel way better than I did a year ago. 

Happy cake day.",justquietlyhere,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6wh9/my_cake_day_today_marks_1_year_since_i_left_an/,1 year ago left good wa reddit lurker never made account day left felt free yet wa loneliest ever felt wa completely lost confused made reddit account day year ago found comfort platform person wa year ago ha hard piecing together learned many thing along way still growing working still long way go feel way better year ago happy cake day,cake day today mark 1 year since left abusive relationship,quietly,544,69,quietly 1 year ago left good wa reddit lurker never made account day left felt free yet wa loneliest ever felt wa completely lost confused made reddit account day year ago found comfort platform person wa year ago ha hard piecing together learned many thing along way still growing working still long way go feel way better year ago happy cake day cake day today mark 1 year since left abusive relationship
Just need to vent.,"My depression has been at its worst recently and I’ve been trying desperately to find a therapist. The people I usually go through have told me it’s a 9 month waiting list and I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to wait that long so they suggested someone else. I checked their website and applied for therapy and managed to book an assessment appointment for next month. I slept easier last night at the thought that I’d be getting help soon only to wake up this morning to a notification on my phone saying they had cancelled my appointment as they no longer help people in my area. 

I’m just so sick of trying to help myself. I know it’s not their fault for not being able to help me, but just that brief feeling of hope meant so much to me. They shouldn’t allow people to apply if they aren’t going to be able to help or at least have a warning up. Everywhere I’ve looked so far has said to either wait, go to A&E or call 111 IF it’s an emergency. What classifies as an emergency? Because I’m almost certain I wouldn’t be considered one and I don’t want to waste their time considering the NHS is already stretched thin. I’d pay for a therapist if I had the means but I can barely afford to feed myself right now. I just don’t know what to do from here but I don’t want to give up.",rufiothelost,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecsqb/just_need_to_vent/,depression ha worst recently trying desperately find therapist people usually go told 9 month waiting list honestly think able wait long suggested someone else checked website applied therapy managed book assessment appointment next month slept easier last night thought getting help soon wake morning notification phone saying cancelled appointment longer help people area sick trying help know fault able help brief feeling hope meant much allow people apply going able help least warning everywhere looked far ha said either wait go amp e call 111 emergency classifies emergency almost certain considered one want waste time considering nh already stretched thin pay therapist mean barely afford feed right know want give,need vent,ru fi lost,1290,18,ru fi lost depression ha worst recently trying desperately find therapist people usually go told 9 month waiting list honestly think able wait long suggested someone else checked website applied therapy managed book assessment appointment next month slept easier last night thought getting help soon wake morning notification phone saying cancelled appointment longer help people area sick trying help know fault able help brief feeling hope meant much allow people apply going able help least warning everywhere looked far ha said either wait go amp e call 111 emergency classifies emergency almost certain considered one want waste time considering nh already stretched thin pay therapist mean barely afford feed right know want give need vent
"My life story, I am sorry it's so long","Hi there to all witches who take their craft seriously and really work, I am very deperate and on the brink of killing myself, there is so much to life; this I know. Unfortunately for me every door, every option, every opertunity has been closed off for me since I was born. 
Before I say what I came here to ask here's alittle backstory...

Backstory - throughout my mom's pregnancy the doctors were absolutely sure I was to be born a healthy baby girl, but somewhere along the line something unexpected happened and I came out not only a boy (according to what I've been told and what's written on my birth certificate) I was also unfortunate enough to be born with cleft lip, cleft palette, asthma, droopy eyes(don't know if that's the clinical term, but basically up until I was 8 or 10 [can't remember] I was unable to open my eyes all the way), and various other problems. I have always felt like I should not have been born a boy let alone live past 3 weeks (another failed diagnosis, lucky me right?). 

My childhood consisted of doing stuff to get attention but really all I wanted was to be liked a very hard thing to do when you are basically physically retarded and cannot talk like everyone else and constantly being reminded how you are such a failer that you couldn't even be born right. Since my conciousness first made its way into this world I have found myself thinking as a girl, along with thinking how much better litterally my life would have been if I managed to get it right. My dad was never in the picture so growing up without a father has been difficult on its own, but of course I was informed my dad had the chance to come to America when I was born because of my condition, but he declined to start a new family and I'm sure he had other reasons. My mom always worked all the time so it was pretty much me and my older brother for some time. An older brother that constantly made fun of me along with my mom for how I talked and how I acted. My brother constantly calling me gay, faggot, bitch, you name it he's done it. I'm sure he was unaware of how I felt inside but it traumatized me so much I am afraid of being myself. My body is not shaped how normal guy's are either so I have no idea how to take that problem. At school o was labeled the retarded kid no one liked.

Once I turned 11 my mom met a man, let's call him D. D was/is military and I later found out they got married quick (span of a few months) to finance my surgeries because I came from a background of poverty being single parent with 2 kids (later 3). I was always treated like a pet and always had the harshest and most frequent punishments. I was always forced to do everything for everybody else. My brother had to go do something like talk to a neighbor to get the bike fixed, I had to do it, stuff like that. To this day I get asked by family to buy their plane tickets or order them stuff cause they ""don't know how"". I have always been used all my life. I am nothing but a tool. As I patiently waited for the surgeries that I was supposed to get (atleast just the one to fix my nose and make me look somewhat normal) when I was 12, then delayed to 16, then 18, and finally at 19. I received the first surgery and all they did was make my life a living hell. 

Medical history - The doctor messed up my nose and now theres a glasses size gap on the bridge of my nose, for the tip of it they put cartalage from my side [which they lied to me and took it out of under my right chest] is fat which I didn't even care about having in the first place I just wanted my nose to be straight and deal with the rest later. I was put in a maxillary distractor (fancy name for cage on my head). To move my upper jaw forward so that they can reconstruct the palate (roof of my mouth) and straighten jaw or whatever they were doing I have no clue and it seemed unnessesary to me. It did however improve my speech just a tiny bit. I had to wear this crap o. My head for 4 months. Later I then made my own appointments 2 years later (22) and got a surgery for bonegraft. I am still missing the tooth implant which I cannot afford nor will I ever be able to, and I have to have another surgery on my nose again. I have always suffered from depression because of this but not only because of my unfortunate medical circumstances. (Also I have been getting pains around my abdominal area so either I've got something going on down there that shouldn't be or when I was born the doctors decided it be best to stick a penis on me and call me a boy).

As for the other reasons why I'm highly depressed and on the verge of collapsing. I was forced by my stepdad to go into debt. I wanted to go to college but I wanted to do it like everyone else, a real place surrounded by real people so I can maybe make atleast one friend and not be a total failer. Of course my luck hits home again and he forced me to go to an online college with the promiss of letting me use the money the army provides to him for school use. I agree and then he turns and days ""yea no... Do it yourself"". Landing me 16k debt that I can't pay, 3k I was forced to pay (just to get my diploma) and 3k my mom was forced to pay for me to be able to enroll in classes. Before this though I was planning to join the military to get a one up on life, but apparently not God's plan. Since when I brought up the idea he straight refused. I was not allowed to work or go out, I did not have an allowance or any type of money except money I got for my birthday ($20 every year, ages 18-19-20) and it didn't help that I had no friends up until senior year in highschool (that summer is the only happy memories I have after leaving my home town. He was very controlling that's why I feel I can't do anything without the constant reminder of all the trauma I've faced.

I did however keep the promis I made to myself about joining the military. Unfortunately though I was not let in. After two years of waiting and providing all of the medical paperwork I was finally sent to MEPS for the Marines, finally a chance for me to straighten out my life and man up and get all these rediculous thoughts and feelings out my head. NOPE! Once I get there I take the ASVAP and score on the higher side (I know right smarts actually came in handy I might look like a retard but my mental capacity is on the higher side) scored 80. Go through medical everything good up until the physical, the doctor asks me if I always been tall and skinny (I have a very feminine body besides the lack of breasts and having a penis) I say yes, normal ok cool then I go to the eye exam and they tell me I have astigmatism in my left eye (this I knew it happened when I was about 5 or so, started hallucinating and seeing giant spiders with extream detail) I went to see if I can get this fixed they said and I quote ""the damage to your eye is so savire that we do not have the equipment required to even make a dent of progress, the best solution I can offer is to use the effected eye and hope it gets better over time, sorry but there is nothing we can do for you at this time."" - Lasik doctor. So dream job at Marines = no go. The MEPS people tell me to try the army cause they accept pretty much anyone. I do and same thing they say I can't join because of my stupid eye, gee thanks God. 

At this point I start thinking maybe it's not meant to be and give up. 

My job history is halarious, atleast to me. Almost even didn't get hired. First job at age 20, McDonald's. Mom gets a house with my brother who got to live my fantasy of being in the military and travel the world, who then decides to mock me and make my life even worse by deciding he needs a surgery on his penis (he thought it was so curved he can't have sex yet he never tried, now he's depressed and thinks he can never have it and the doctor messed up, doctor also gave him circomsition) this happened during my attempt at joining the Marines. Throughout the course of 6 months he would constantly scream at the top of his lungs and say how God hates him, this is punishment, lash out at me for no reason, and make me feel not only unsafe but want to take my own life even more just to get out of that situation. Once we move into the new house this continues along with me every day for months on end calming him down explaining and telling him to be patient cause it's not gunna heal right away and healing of the body depends on the mind state anyways. Because of the move I am forced to quit my job that I actually enjoyed, to transfer to another McDonald's on the side of town we moved to (two towns down) I work there for 6 months before quitting because of how unfairly I was being treated, everything was my fault, I never did anything right, I was lazy, the works (even though I did mainly everybody's job in the kitchen, everyday I washed the grill swept mopped multiple times a day, I would be on grill then on the table making the burgers, I'd go and get the 50 pound boxes from the freezer. You name it I did it.) I eventually quit after 6 months bought a one way ticket to California and said my goodbyes to my brother who called my mom crying saying I left and he tried to stop me... I was sick of his shit. I had shit I was dealing with all my life and now I have to deal with you and your problem too, (excuse the langauge but) fuck outta here with that shit. 
I have so little control over my own life that I only spent 2 days in California before my mom told the entire family where I was and got my aunt (grandma's sister so technically grandma, who's also a nun) to somehow convince me to go to New York and stay with my uncle. I can't believe I actually fell for their stupid guilt trip but somehow after only 5 days I was off to NYC. I told myself it's probably best since there are lots of opportunities for me to be a musican. Wrong. I was basically plummited into the same exact situation with different people. Greedy money hungry aunt, no jobs, no money, an uncle who works at night sleeps durring the day, wierd daughter that turned into her mother. I had to get outta there it got to the point where she was looking through my stuff while I wasn't there to find proof I could pay her $700 to stay in the shitty, stinky room they kept rabbits in. With a door that locks from the outside and a broken window, very small room at that. After two months of looking for jobs while making music simaltaniously I am being called a liar I good for nothing a lazy bum you name it that's what she labeled me. I manage to get a job at McDonald's again but in NY. I manage to set up the bonegraft appointment and lay on an air mattress for two weeks feeling useless and being called useless. I go back to work and then move into my grandpa's room he was renting. Lucky for me he was on vacation for the next two months. Durring this time when my granpa came back j felt obligated and wanted to help with his bills ultimately giving him what little I had. 4 months pass and after much consideration and mom/brother begging for me to come back I oblige. 
I then get a job at another McDonald's in the next town over oppisate direction with the help of my old boss. I work there for 6 months before quitting because of the same drama the first time and hearing people continuously talking shit about me making me feel terrible about myself even more and with the emense parinoia I was experiencing due to smoking too much (the parinoia was about how I hid the fact I'm not normal and that I wish to be a girl and intricate details of my life).

If you think that's it well your wrong... My aunt comes to the USA on a visa and is put in a shit situation feeling unsafe, according to her. My mom is the only one in the USA she knows, mom folds and buys her a plane ticket to stay here for the time being, money my mom didn't have, which is fine desperate times desperate measures and such. She stays here for an entire month and quickly realises there is nothing here, everything is far and you have to drive everywhere. The time that she was here I could have used to work on my music the 3 hours I was left alone in the house, but no. 
Everything that she bought or well made me buy she complains and says it's for someone else, complains she didn't buy anything for herself and how she had to use my mom's clothes cause instead of buy things for herself she bought for everyone else supposedly. She then says how she needs a phone and makes me go find one for her. After I go through the trouble of finding and iPhone 7 plus for a crazy deal ($150) which they usually go for 300-350 I go and I borrow money to go get her the phone. She then says oh... I wanted a more modern one....like yours.... I'm like ugh ok I reset mine give her it and she then says she will give me the 150 (my phone was iPhone X pristine condition). Months pass I still don't have a job (stopped looking to focus on getting my licence), everybody keeps making excuses not to teach me, and the piece of crap car that my brother was going to pass down to me needs a new battery so I can't use it, and he also decided to retract the offer before I got the chance to use it and is selling it because he doesn't want to pay for it. He is not rich but wealthy $40k in the bank meanwhile I'm 30k in debt 12 of which collectors are being sent now. 

Debt - borrowed money I didn't have to help pay bills to not be called worthless and useless. Borrowed too much then took 5k out and ran away to California

That brings me to the present day, some details have been left out as to not make this extreamly long.
(Side note: I have always liked girls but it's more like an admiration/envy type of thing, always wishing I was one cause I always felt just wrong in my own body)

Ok TL;DR shit life should have been born a girl, instead I came out with so many problems and mental issues along with the traumatizing circumstances I was put in and the problems still continue.",annonymisskd,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecspk/my_life_story_i_am_sorry_its_so_long/,hi witch take craft seriously really work deperate brink killing much life know unfortunately every door every option every opertunity ha closed since wa born say came ask alittle backstory backstory throughout mom pregnancy doctor absolutely sure wa born healthy baby girl somewhere along line something unexpected happened came boy according told written birth certificate wa also unfortunate enough born cleft lip cleft palette asthma droopy eye know clinical term basically wa 8 10 remember wa unable open eye way various problem always felt like born boy let alone live past 3 week another failed diagnosis lucky right childhood consisted stuff get attention really wanted wa liked hard thing basically physically retarded cannot talk like everyone else constantly reminded failer even born right since conciousness first made way world found thinking girl along thinking much better litterally life would managed get right dad wa never picture growing without father ha difficult course wa informed dad chance come america wa born condition declined start new family sure reason mom always worked time wa pretty much older brother time older brother constantly made fun along mom talked acted brother constantly calling gay faggot bitch name done sure wa unaware felt inside traumatized much afraid body shaped normal guy either idea take problem school wa labeled retarded kid one liked turned 11 mom met man let call wa military later found got married quick span month finance surgery came background poverty single parent 2 kid later 3 wa always treated like pet always harshest frequent punishment wa always forced everything everybody else brother go something like talk neighbor get bike fixed stuff like day get asked family buy plane ticket order stuff cause know always used life nothing tool patiently waited surgery wa supposed get atleast one fix nose make look somewhat normal wa 12 delayed 16 18 finally 19 received first surgery wa make life living hell medical history doctor messed nose glass size gap bridge nose tip put cartalage side lied took right chest fat even care first place wanted nose straight deal rest later wa put maxillary distractor fancy name cage head move upper jaw forward reconstruct palate roof mouth straighten jaw whatever clue seemed unnessesary however improve speech tiny bit wear crap head 4 month later made appointment 2 year later 22 got surgery bonegraft still missing tooth implant cannot afford ever able another surgery nose always suffered depression unfortunate medical circumstance also getting pain around abdominal area either got something going wa born doctor decided best stick penis call boy reason highly depressed verge collapsing wa forced stepdad go debt wanted go college wanted like everyone else real place surrounded real people maybe make atleast one friend total failer course luck hit home forced go online college promiss letting use money army provides school use agree turn day yea landing 16k debt pay 3k wa forced pay get diploma 3k mom wa forced pay able enroll class though wa planning join military get one life apparently god plan since brought idea straight refused wa allowed work go allowance type money except money got birthday 20 every year age 18 19 20 help friend senior year highschool summer happy memory leaving home town wa controlling feel anything without constant reminder trauma faced however keep promis made joining military unfortunately though wa let two year waiting providing medical paperwork wa finally sent meps marine finally chance straighten life man get rediculous thought feeling head nope get take asvap score higher side know right smart actually came handy might look like retard mental capacity higher side scored 80 go medical everything good physical doctor asks always tall skinny feminine body besides lack breast penis say yes normal ok cool go eye exam tell astigmatism left eye knew happened wa 5 started hallucinating seeing giant spider extream detail went see get fixed said quote damage eye savire equipment required even make dent progress best solution offer use effected eye hope get better time sorry nothing time lasik doctor dream job marine go meps people tell try army cause accept pretty much anyone thing say join stupid eye gee thanks god point start thinking maybe meant give job history halarious atleast almost even get hired first job age 20 mcdonald mom get house brother got live fantasy military travel world decides mock make life even worse deciding need surgery penis thought wa curved sex yet never tried depressed think never doctor messed doctor also gave circomsition happened attempt joining marine throughout course 6 month would constantly scream top lung say god hate punishment lash reason make feel unsafe want take life even get situation move new house continues along every day month end calming explaining telling patient cause gunna heal right away healing body depends mind state anyways move forced quit job actually enjoyed transfer another mcdonald side town moved two town work 6 month quitting unfairly wa treated everything wa fault never anything right wa lazy work even though mainly everybody job kitchen everyday washed grill swept mopped multiple time day would grill table making burger go get 50 pound box freezer name eventually quit 6 month bought one way ticket california said goodbye brother called mom cry saying left tried stop wa sick shit shit wa dealing life deal problem excuse langauge fuck outta shit little control life spent 2 day california mom told entire family wa got aunt grandma sister technically grandma also nun somehow convince go new york stay uncle believe actually fell stupid guilt trip somehow 5 day wa nyc told probably best since lot opportunity musican wrong wa basically plummited exact situation different people greedy money hungry aunt job money uncle work night sleep durring day wierd daughter turned mother get outta got point wa looking stuff find proof could pay 700 stay shitty stinky room kept rabbit door lock outside broken window small room two month looking job making music simaltaniously called liar good nothing lazy bum name labeled manage get job mcdonald ny manage set bonegraft appointment lay air mattress two week feeling useless called useless go back work move grandpa room wa renting lucky wa vacation next two month durring time granpa came back j felt obligated wanted help bill ultimately giving little 4 month pas much consideration mom brother begging come back oblige get job another mcdonald next town oppisate direction help old bos work 6 month quitting drama first time hearing people continuously talking shit making feel terrible even emense parinoia wa experiencing due smoking much parinoia wa hid fact normal wish girl intricate detail life think well wrong aunt come usa visa put shit situation feeling unsafe according mom one usa know mom fold buy plane ticket stay time money mom fine desperate time desperate measure stay entire month quickly realises nothing everything far drive everywhere time wa could used work music 3 hour wa left alone house everything bought well made buy complains say someone else complains buy anything use mom clothes cause instead buy thing bought everyone else supposedly say need phone make go find one go trouble finding iphone 7 plus crazy deal 150 usually go 300 350 go borrow money go get phone say oh wanted modern one like like ugh ok reset mine give say give 150 phone wa iphone x pristine condition month pas still job stopped looking focus getting licence everybody keep making excuse teach piece crap car brother wa going pas need new battery use also decided retract offer got chance use selling want pay rich wealthy 40k bank meanwhile 30k debt 12 collector sent debt borrowed money help pay bill called worthless useless borrowed much took 5k ran away california brings present day detail left make extreamly long side note always liked girl like admiration envy type thing always wishing wa one cause always felt wrong body ok tl dr shit life born girl instead came many problem mental issue along traumatizing circumstance wa put problem still continue,life story sorry long,anno ny miss k,13943,38,anno ny miss k hi witch take craft seriously really work deperate brink killing much life know unfortunately every door every option every opertunity ha closed since wa born say came ask alittle backstory backstory throughout mom pregnancy doctor absolutely sure wa born healthy baby girl somewhere along line something unexpected happened came boy according told written birth certificate wa also unfortunate enough born cleft lip cleft palette asthma droopy eye know clinical term basically wa 8 10 remember wa unable open eye way various problem always felt like born boy let alone live past 3 week another failed diagnosis lucky right childhood consisted stuff get attention really wanted wa liked hard thing basically physically retarded cannot talk like everyone else constantly reminded failer even born right since conciousness first made way world found thinking girl along thinking much better litterally life would managed get right dad wa never picture growing without father ha difficult course wa informed dad chance come america wa born condition declined start new family sure reason mom always worked time wa pretty much older brother time older brother constantly made fun along mom talked acted brother constantly calling gay faggot bitch name done sure wa unaware felt inside traumatized much afraid body shaped normal guy either idea take problem school wa labeled retarded kid one liked turned 11 mom met man let call wa military later found got married quick span month finance surgery came background poverty single parent 2 kid later 3 wa always treated like pet always harshest frequent punishment wa always forced everything everybody else brother go something like talk neighbor get bike fixed stuff like day get asked family buy plane ticket order stuff cause know always used life nothing tool patiently waited surgery wa supposed get atleast one fix nose make look somewhat normal wa 12 delayed 16 18 finally 19 received first surgery wa make life living hell medical history doctor messed nose glass size gap bridge nose tip put cartalage side lied took right chest fat even care first place wanted nose straight deal rest later wa put maxillary distractor fancy name cage head move upper jaw forward reconstruct palate roof mouth straighten jaw whatever clue seemed unnessesary however improve speech tiny bit wear crap head 4 month later made appointment 2 year later 22 got surgery bonegraft still missing tooth implant cannot afford ever able another surgery nose always suffered depression unfortunate medical circumstance also getting pain around abdominal area either got something going wa born doctor decided best stick penis call boy reason highly depressed verge collapsing wa forced stepdad go debt wanted go college wanted like everyone else real place surrounded real people maybe make atleast one friend total failer course luck hit home forced go online college promiss letting use money army provides school use agree turn day yea landing 16k debt pay 3k wa forced pay get diploma 3k mom wa forced pay able enroll class though wa planning join military get one life apparently god plan since brought idea straight refused wa allowed work go allowance type money except money got birthday 20 every year age 18 19 20 help friend senior year highschool summer happy memory leaving home town wa controlling feel anything without constant reminder trauma faced however keep promis made joining military unfortunately though wa let two year waiting providing medical paperwork wa finally sent meps marine finally chance straighten life man get rediculous thought feeling head nope get take asvap score higher side know right smart actually came handy might look like retard mental capacity higher side scored 80 go medical everything good physical doctor asks always tall skinny feminine body besides lack breast penis say yes normal ok cool go eye exam tell astigmatism left eye knew happened wa 5 started hallucinating seeing giant spider extream detail went see get fixed said quote damage eye savire equipment required even make dent progress best solution offer use effected eye hope get better time sorry nothing time lasik doctor dream job marine go meps people tell try army cause accept pretty much anyone thing say join stupid eye gee thanks god point start thinking maybe meant give job history halarious atleast almost even get hired first job age 20 mcdonald mom get house brother got live fantasy military travel world decides mock make life even worse deciding need surgery penis thought wa curved sex yet never tried depressed think never doctor messed doctor also gave circomsition happened attempt joining marine throughout course 6 month would constantly scream top lung say god hate punishment lash reason make feel unsafe want take life even get situation move new house continues along every day month end calming explaining telling patient cause gunna heal right away healing body depends mind state anyways move forced quit job actually enjoyed transfer another mcdonald side town moved two town work 6 month quitting unfairly wa treated everything wa fault never anything right wa lazy work even though mainly everybody job kitchen everyday washed grill swept mopped multiple time day would grill table making burger go get 50 pound box freezer name eventually quit 6 month bought one way ticket california said goodbye brother called mom cry saying left tried stop wa sick shit shit wa dealing life deal problem excuse langauge fuck outta shit little control life spent 2 day california mom told entire family wa got aunt grandma sister technically grandma also nun somehow convince go new york stay uncle believe actually fell stupid guilt trip somehow 5 day wa nyc told probably best since lot opportunity musican wrong wa basically plummited exact situation different people greedy money hungry aunt job money uncle work night sleep durring day wierd daughter turned mother get outta got point wa looking stuff find proof could pay 700 stay shitty stinky room kept rabbit door lock outside broken window small room two month looking job making music simaltaniously called liar good nothing lazy bum name labeled manage get job mcdonald ny manage set bonegraft appointment lay air mattress two week feeling useless called useless go back work move grandpa room wa renting lucky wa vacation next two month durring time granpa came back j felt obligated wanted help bill ultimately giving little 4 month pas much consideration mom brother begging come back oblige get job another mcdonald next town oppisate direction help old bos work 6 month quitting drama first time hearing people continuously talking shit making feel terrible even emense parinoia wa experiencing due smoking much parinoia wa hid fact normal wish girl intricate detail life think well wrong aunt come usa visa put shit situation feeling unsafe according mom one usa know mom fold buy plane ticket stay time money mom fine desperate time desperate measure stay entire month quickly realises nothing everything far drive everywhere time wa could used work music 3 hour wa left alone house everything bought well made buy complains say someone else complains buy anything use mom clothes cause instead buy thing bought everyone else supposedly say need phone make go find one go trouble finding iphone 7 plus crazy deal 150 usually go 300 350 go borrow money go get phone say oh wanted modern one like like ugh ok reset mine give say give 150 phone wa iphone x pristine condition month pas still job stopped looking focus getting licence everybody keep making excuse teach piece crap car brother wa going pas need new battery use also decided retract offer got chance use selling want pay rich wealthy 40k bank meanwhile 30k debt 12 collector sent debt borrowed money help pay bill called worthless useless borrowed much took 5k ran away california brings present day detail left make extreamly long side note always liked girl like admiration envy type thing always wishing wa one cause always felt wrong body ok tl dr shit life born girl instead came many problem mental issue along traumatizing circumstance wa put problem still continue life story sorry long
I hate my life,"I hate my life so much I would be better off dead I feel, everyday is the same and nothing in life gets better, and the few friends I have seen to not like me anymore, a lot of them don’t talk to me at all and my school friends seem like they don’t like me anymore and I found out a lot of them talking shit about me that I thought were my friends, and I already got bullied for half the year. 

I don’t wanna live anymore, and I can’t even see a doctor even though I have the legal right to one there is none available and walk in clinics are useless. Canada has shit healthcare 

My grades are so bad and I’m disappointment to my parents. At this point I wanna just drown my problems with drugs. 

Me and my gf keep fighting and having problems and she just moved to a new school and told me how “everyone’s been so nice especially the boys” and like that’s troubled me because I’m ugly and I have nothing to offer with my personality so I feel like any guy is better for her than I am but I need her.

I want help but there’s no one to help me I’m so done. 

None of that made sense I’m just rambling but I just want to die and I’m contemplating it.",throwaway656565167,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehrnm/i_hate_my_life/,hate life much would better dead feel everyday nothing life get better friend seen like anymore lot talk school friend seem like like anymore found lot talking shit thought friend already got bullied half year wanna live anymore even see doctor even though legal right one none available walk clinic useless canada ha shit healthcare grade bad disappointment parent point wanna drown problem drug gf keep fighting problem moved new school told everyone nice especially boy like troubled ugly nothing offer personality feel like guy better need want help one help done none made sense rambling want die contemplating,hate life,throwaway 656565167,1152,14,throwaway 656565167 hate life much would better dead feel everyday nothing life get better friend seen like anymore lot talk school friend seem like like anymore found lot talking shit thought friend already got bullied half year wanna live anymore even see doctor even though legal right one none available walk clinic useless canada ha shit healthcare grade bad disappointment parent point wanna drown problem drug gf keep fighting problem moved new school told everyone nice especially boy like troubled ugly nothing offer personality feel like guy better need want help one help done none made sense rambling want die contemplating hate life
I just want to go home,"28F. My husband wanted to move from West coast to the East coast. Here we are 5 months later. I hate my job and most coworkers. I met a coworker I loved but she ended up leaving and now I have nothing to look forward to at work. I eat in my car I'd rather eat by myself than with gossiping, whining women.

My husband has always been a people person so hes made friends pretty quick. There's days were hes out and I'm sitting home alone.   

So alone. I cry in secret. I keep things to myself idk where I've gotten the idea that I need to be strong and crying is weakness.

I tried talking to my husband last  night and I was having a hard time talking. He ended up leaving and just sleeping in the livingroom which didnt help this situation. 

I miss my mom
I miss my sister
I really fuckin miss my friends. God do I miss thier hugs so damn much
I miss my job it was an amazing job with great pay and my coworkers were my friends 
I miss our little home
I miss my car Lucy
I miss the weather

I just want a hug",jjadirac,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feecev/i_just_want_to_go_home/,28f husband wanted move west coast east coast 5 month later hate job coworkers met coworker loved ended leaving nothing look forward work eat car rather eat gossiping whining woman husband ha always people person made friend pretty quick day sitting home alone alone cry secret keep thing idk gotten idea need strong cry weakness tried talking husband last night wa hard time talking ended leaving sleeping livingroom didnt help situation miss mom miss sister really fuckin miss friend god miss thier hug damn much miss job wa amazing job great pay coworkers friend miss little home miss car lucy miss weather want hug,want go home,jj dirac,1011,22,jj dirac 28f husband wanted move west coast east coast 5 month later hate job coworkers met coworker loved ended leaving nothing look forward work eat car rather eat gossiping whining woman husband ha always people person made friend pretty quick day sitting home alone alone cry secret keep thing idk gotten idea need strong cry weakness tried talking husband last night wa hard time talking ended leaving sleeping livingroom didnt help situation miss mom miss sister really fuckin miss friend god miss thier hug damn much miss job wa amazing job great pay coworkers friend miss little home miss car lucy miss weather want hug want go home
I can't see myself past 25. I am now 25.,"For the longest time, I couldn't see myself living past 25. This mostly came about towards the last year of University and got worse around the end of 2017, when I wasn't landing work. 

In 2018, I met someone and suddenly I felt alive again. I felt calm and collected. Although I was stuck in the same loop of applying for work, it didn't feel as tiresome. In 2019, I got accepted into medicine and moved overseas. My partner starts tearing us apart 3 weeks into my move... I drop out of med school because the stresses from the break up became way too much to handle. Especially since I was overseas.

Now I am back to applying for jobs in my old degree and getting nowhere. I am heavily depressed. I can't see myself past 25 again. I have this strong feeling I will die this year. 

Atm, I welcome death with open hands... I am tired of life constantly shifting on me. :'(",Iamoriginalthrowaw4y,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feebpw/i_cant_see_myself_past_25_i_am_now_25/,longest time see living past 25 mostly came towards last year university got worse around end 2017 landing work 2018 met someone suddenly felt alive felt calm collected although wa stuck loop applying work feel tiresome 2019 got accepted medicine moved overseas partner start tearing u apart 3 week move drop med school stress break became way much handle especially since wa overseas back applying job old degree getting nowhere heavily depressed see past 25 strong feeling die year atm welcome death open hand tired life constantly shifting,see past 25 25,iam original throw aw 4,875,40,iam original throw aw 4 longest time see living past 25 mostly came towards last year university got worse around end 2017 landing work 2018 met someone suddenly felt alive felt calm collected although wa stuck loop applying work feel tiresome 2019 got accepted medicine moved overseas partner start tearing u apart 3 week move drop med school stress break became way much handle especially since wa overseas back applying job old degree getting nowhere heavily depressed see past 25 strong feeling die year atm welcome death open hand tired life constantly shifting see past 25 25
Hey,"I posted it here and people didn't believe me back then, I cared about it before but I don't care anymore.

I'm serving in the military and I feel shit about it.
I feel broken inside, I changed in a very bad way.

I started having brake-downs and even wetting the bed.

I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and the worse part is that I still have 2 years left (I served 1 year so far).

I haven't told anyone about wetting the bed as I'm not 4 years old. And frankly speaking I just don't want to think about it.

I'm thinking about just ending it sometimes... But I don't want to cause my family and friends any unnecessary sorrow.

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate my life.

If you read so far, thank you.",TinyHero24,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feho03/hey/,posted people believe back cared care anymore serving military feel shit feel broken inside changed bad way started brake even wetting bed feel embarrassed ashamed worse part still 2 year left served 1 year far told anyone wetting bed 4 year old frankly speaking want think thinking ending sometimes want cause family friend unnecessary sorrow hate hate hate life read far thank,hey,tiny hero 24,699,3,tiny hero 24 posted people believe back cared care anymore serving military feel shit feel broken inside changed bad way started brake even wetting bed feel embarrassed ashamed worse part still 2 year left served 1 year far told anyone wetting bed 4 year old frankly speaking want think thinking ending sometimes want cause family friend unnecessary sorrow hate hate hate life read far thank hey
Is it bad that I hate being around my family,I hate being around my family I get uneasy and start to get irritated. Both my dad and mom were alcoholics and physically and emotionally abusive in the past. Now I don’t even talk to them and when I do it’s in a robotic tone. I don’t hate my parents and I do sometimes feel bad for not being close to them but I can’t ignore how I feel. I don’t enjoy their company but I want the best for them. And before you judge me and call me a selfish son I wanna let you know that I’ve been beat with wires and fist my feet hands and mouth were once taped while I was beat. The abuse stopped when I started fighting back. They are also very controlling my mom is always on my back always hovering over me and I’m kinda annoyed by her she treats me like a little boy and like I can’t do nothing for myself. They limit me and I don’t wanna be around them.,alone-bitter,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehkoo/is_it_bad_that_i_hate_being_around_my_family/,hate around family get uneasy start get irritated dad mom alcoholic physically emotionally abusive past even talk robotic tone hate parent sometimes feel bad close ignore feel enjoy company want best judge call selfish son wanna let know beat wire fist foot hand mouth taped wa beat abuse stopped started fighting back also controlling mom always back always hovering kinda annoyed treat like little boy like nothing limit wanna around,bad hate around family,alone bitter,844,44,alone bitter hate around family get uneasy start get irritated dad mom alcoholic physically emotionally abusive past even talk robotic tone hate parent sometimes feel bad close ignore feel enjoy company want best judge call selfish son wanna let know beat wire fist foot hand mouth taped wa beat abuse stopped started fighting back also controlling mom always back always hovering kinda annoyed treat like little boy like nothing limit wanna around bad hate around family
I'm Sorry,"I think the hardest part about depression is watching it drain the people surrounding you. Eventually they leave because it's too much for them or you push them away because you know it's too much. Either way, nobody stays...",ghibli_ghirl,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6p7n/im_sorry/,think hardest part depression watching drain people surrounding eventually leave much push away know much either way nobody stay,sorry,ghibli gh irl,225,9,ghibli gh irl think hardest part depression watching drain people surrounding eventually leave much push away know much either way nobody stay sorry
i’m happy and it feels wrong,"i’ve struggled with depression for about 6-7 years (pre- high school. now i’m a sophomore in college). a lot of my sadness has come from relationships, being stuck in a shitty town, having friends but not having any GOOD friends, blah blah. i can confidently say i’m over my most recent breakup and i don’t really have any crushes on anyone, so that part of my depression has kinda weirdly disappeared? i don’t live at home so i finally have the freedom to go wherever and do whatever i want. i have the best friends i could ask for and some awesome roommates. my classes this semester are so low stress it’s kind of annoying and i’ve picked up new hobbies that are fun and make me feel good. 

but now i have a new problem. i’m happy. i think i’m like actually happy, or at least i’m content with how my life is going currently. but it feels wrong? i feel like i shouldn’t be happy and i feel guilty for feeling this way. i can’t remember one time in my life where i felt like this and it’s scary. like really scary. a very small part of me wants to go back and do something drastic to send me into another depression. but at the same time i’m like, no this is what you’ve been wanting your whole life don’t fuck it up now! just enjoy it! but it’s hard to enjoy because now i’m uncomfortable. this is all foreign and new and i don’t like it. sure, i was sad all the time before and could barely muster the energy to get out of bed and shower or eat, but as least i was comfortable. 

has anyone else ever felt like this? i feel kinda shitty for being uncomfortable and i just wanna know i’m not alone. i totally understand if i get 0 sympathy (like, who complains about being content with life?), but i really feel wrong. it’s like i lost a huge defining piece of myself and now i have no idea who i’m supposed to be or how i’m supposed to act without it.",zxndxr,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feakna/im_happy_and_it_feels_wrong/,struggled depression 6 7 year pre high school sophomore college lot sadness ha come relationship stuck shitty town friend good friend blah blah confidently say recent breakup really crush anyone part depression ha kinda weirdly disappeared live home finally freedom go wherever whatever want best friend could ask awesome roommate class semester low stress kind annoying picked new hobby fun make feel good new problem happy think like actually happy least content life going currently feel wrong feel like happy feel guilty feeling way remember one time life felt like scary like really scary small part want go back something drastic send another depression time like wanting whole life fuck enjoy hard enjoy uncomfortable foreign new like sure wa sad time could barely muster energy get bed shower eat least wa comfortable ha anyone else ever felt like feel kinda shitty uncomfortable wanna know alone totally understand get 0 sympathy like complains content life really feel wrong like lost huge defining piece idea supposed supposed act without,happy feel wrong,zx nd x r,1856,28,zx nd x r struggled depression 6 7 year pre high school sophomore college lot sadness ha come relationship stuck shitty town friend good friend blah blah confidently say recent breakup really crush anyone part depression ha kinda weirdly disappeared live home finally freedom go wherever whatever want best friend could ask awesome roommate class semester low stress kind annoying picked new hobby fun make feel good new problem happy think like actually happy least content life going currently feel wrong feel like happy feel guilty feeling way remember one time life felt like scary like really scary small part want go back something drastic send another depression time like wanting whole life fuck enjoy hard enjoy uncomfortable foreign new like sure wa sad time could barely muster energy get bed shower eat least wa comfortable ha anyone else ever felt like feel kinda shitty uncomfortable wanna know alone totally understand get 0 sympathy like complains content life really feel wrong like lost huge defining piece idea supposed supposed act without happy feel wrong
Better days coming.,"So I’ve struggled with depression on and off my whole life. I graduated recently and was lucky enough to land a pretty decent job. However, since I’ve moved and started the job I’ve relapsed heavy. I know it’s common for people to be lonely when making a big move and being in a new environment. I tried to end it all when I was in hs and told myself I would never go back to that place. I decided to get help a few months ago when those thoughts came back and I’m glad I did. I won’t bore you with all the details but work was the reason for a lot of my issues so i decided to be proactive and change it. Well today i just got an offer at a company that I’ve wanted to work at since I started college! And best of all it’s back in the same town as all my friends who graduated with me. I know I will be happy there, more so than this place. And I’ll be surrounded by people who made me enjoy my life for those short 4 years. I’m hoping this was the change that I was looking for. I made every excuse as to why nothing would get better and to just live it out. I start next month!

Btw I signed up for BetterHelp for my therapy. It’s not for everyone but I’m very shy and have had bad experiences with psychiatrist and counselors. It was just more excuses I made to not get help.",Earwaxking,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehh65/better_days_coming/,struggled depression whole life graduated recently wa lucky enough land pretty decent job however since moved started job relapsed heavy know common people lonely making big move new environment tried end wa h told would never go back place decided get help month ago thought came back glad bore detail work wa reason lot issue decided proactive change well today got offer company wanted work since started college best back town friend graduated know happy place surrounded people made enjoy life short 4 year hoping wa change wa looking made every excuse nothing would get better live start next month btw signed betterhelp therapy everyone shy bad experience psychiatrist counselor wa excuse made get help,better day coming,earwax king,1279,19,earwax king struggled depression whole life graduated recently wa lucky enough land pretty decent job however since moved started job relapsed heavy know common people lonely making big move new environment tried end wa h told would never go back place decided get help month ago thought came back glad bore detail work wa reason lot issue decided proactive change well today got offer company wanted work since started college best back town friend graduated know happy place surrounded people made enjoy life short 4 year hoping wa change wa looking made every excuse nothing would get better live start next month btw signed betterhelp therapy everyone shy bad experience psychiatrist counselor wa excuse made get help better day coming
Nothing seems to interest me any more.,"I've been lying here for hours just doing nothing. I can't go out today because I'm having a chronic illness flare-up. But, I can't seem to find anything to interest me at home, either. All of my hobbies just seem dull. I don't know what to do any more.",thirteenkitt3ns,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehfqf/nothing_seems_to_interest_me_any_more/,lying hour nothing go today chronic illness flare seem find anything interest home either hobby seem dull know,nothing seems interest,thirteen kitt 3 n,253,38,thirteen kitt 3 n lying hour nothing go today chronic illness flare seem find anything interest home either hobby seem dull know nothing seems interest
"I think i have depression, Not sure but i tryna hang myself once","
Year ago i’ve survived from a suicide attempts and then i watching the movie Fight Club It’s motivate me, Hell its even give me a boost of confidence, Huge Confidence, But its never fix my problem which is 
im too fckin lazy to live in this world.
This movie its just like a Temporary Medical.
Right now, Its all coming back.
Happiest moment of my daily life is my bedtime
Really wish one fckin day i’ll never wake up again.
Just fall asleep and not knowledge any goddamn thing anymore.

I’m like i’m not into anything at ALL
I come from a great family btw, my mom and dad love
me even spoiled a little, they are a good person.
Still i blame them for this shit feelin everyday.

Srlys im lookin for a way to die like a sickness.

Cause i dont want my stupid parent to do the
“what did we do wrong ? why our son kill himself yada yada yada blah blah blah”

Maybe ricin? I really don’t know how to prepare though.
  
Any idea ?",Rocklikeluck,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feh9cn/i_think_i_have_depression_not_sure_but_i_tryna/,year ago survived suicide attempt watching movie fight club motivate hell even give boost confidence huge confidence never fix problem im fckin lazy live world movie like temporary medical right coming back happiest moment daily life bedtime really wish one fckin day never wake fall asleep knowledge goddamn thing anymore like anything come great family btw mom dad love even spoiled little good person still blame shit feelin everyday srlys im lookin way die like sickness cause dont want stupid parent wrong son kill yada yada yada blah blah blah maybe ricin really know prepare though idea,think depression sure tryna hang,rock like luck,926,64,rock like luck year ago survived suicide attempt watching movie fight club motivate hell even give boost confidence huge confidence never fix problem im fckin lazy live world movie like temporary medical right coming back happiest moment daily life bedtime really wish one fckin day never wake fall asleep knowledge goddamn thing anymore like anything come great family btw mom dad love even spoiled little good person still blame shit feelin everyday srlys im lookin way die like sickness cause dont want stupid parent wrong son kill yada yada yada blah blah blah maybe ricin really know prepare though idea think depression sure tryna hang
Getting pummeled from all sides,"I'm drowning over here. I'm failing every single person in my life, being criticized by every single person in my life, being controlled by every single person in my life, and I don't know how to deal.

My abusive ex is fighting for custody of our daughter. He'll be granted overnights in a few weeks, when he's never spent more than six hours with her. She's going to be so scared. She's too young to understand why her mom isn't there. I've tried suggesting we transition slowly but he's refusing to do so unless I give him six more hours a week, ""in good faith.""

I have two weeks to pay $2k to a court appointed person, that I didn't ask for and can't get rid of, or I'll be held in contempt of court, resulting in a fine or jail time, even though I'm unemployed for another couple months. My dad is well able to help, but won't, because he ""doesn't want to get involved,"" but not because he isn't financially able.

My boyfriend is completely minimizing AND demonizing my feelings. Every single time I point out a problem, he plays victim and turns it around on me. When he picks on me and it hurts my feelings, I just need to toughen up and trust that he doesn't mean it. When I get upset that he tells me what to do, I just need to let go of this hatred for imagined authority. When he's super stressed to the point of being 85% negative all the time and I'm feeling neglected and unloved because of it, I just need to keep my feelings to myself because he doesn't need guilt on top of his stress.

My baby has been sick so she hasn't been sleeping well. She woke up at 4:30 this morning, when she normally gets up at 6:30, and I was trying to get her back down. Well I also live with my parents. And my stepdad told my mom that I was yelling at my daughter and stomping around the room to intimidate her, which isn't at all true. When I told my boyfriend that I was being stern with her, not yelling, he said that maybe I should change my stern voice because apparently it scares people. 

So yes, let me just do whatever the fuck everyone wants me to do and be who they want me to be because I have no autonomy or authority over my over damn life. Let me stop expressing my emotions, which means stop having emotions all together, to please all these fuckers in my life. Let me change something I don't even feel I'm doing *wrong* just to make someone else fucking happy.

And if I'm not happy?

Well, that's just too bad! Because apparently everyone else's feelings matter but mine.

I don't want to die, but I can't fucking live like this. Every waking moment of my life is just trying to please someone else. It's putting everyone else above me because if I don't, I'll be chastised or belittled or berated. No one can just let me be me and do what I do because they think they have some fucking hold on me and should be able to control what I do and say and think and feel.

I can't fucking LIVE like this. Who fucking can? But there's no way out. I'm unemployed until the summer. So I have to live with my parents. I have to listen to their bullshit. I can't get my ex to stop stalking me and harassing me and insulting me. The court is refusing to hold him accountable. I can't force my dad to keep me out of jail for something I have zero control over. I can't get my boyfriend to be more considerate of my feelings, but I can't break up with him either because then I'll *completely* fall apart. Those good moments with him are literally the only things keeping me functioning.

I honestly feel like if I didn't have skin, I'd be shattered. Not even just shattered, in pieces. Like a broken piece of tempered glass, split into so many pieces that they're impossible to count, and I get cut by them every single time I move. Just a walking, breathing flesh bag of blood and fragments.

And there's zero way out. I've never felt so hopeless in my life.",Jdlgamergirl6396,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feh8ud/getting_pummeled_from_all_sides/,drowning failing every single person life criticized every single person life controlled every single person life know deal abusive ex fighting custody daughter granted overnights week never spent six hour going scared young understand mom tried suggesting transition slowly refusing unless give six hour week good faith two week pay 2k court appointed person ask get rid held contempt court resulting fine jail time even though unemployed another couple month dad well able help want get involved financially able boyfriend completely minimizing demonizing feeling every single time point problem play victim turn around pick hurt feeling need toughen trust mean get upset tell need let go hatred imagined authority super stressed point 85 negative time feeling neglected unloved need keep feeling need guilt top stress baby ha sick sleeping well woke 4 30 morning normally get 6 30 wa trying get back well also live parent stepdad told mom wa yelling daughter stomping around room intimidate true told boyfriend wa stern yelling said maybe change stern voice apparently scare people yes let whatever fuck everyone want want autonomy authority damn life let stop expressing emotion mean stop emotion together please fucker life let change something even feel wrong make someone else fucking happy happy well bad apparently everyone else feeling matter mine want die fucking live like every waking moment life trying please someone else putting everyone else chastised belittled berated one let think fucking hold able control say think feel fucking live like fucking way unemployed summer live parent listen bullshit get ex stop stalking harassing insulting court refusing hold accountable force dad keep jail something zero control get boyfriend considerate feeling break either completely fall apart good moment literally thing keeping functioning honestly feel like skin shattered even shattered piece like broken piece tempered glass split many piece impossible count get cut every single time move walking breathing flesh bag blood fragment zero way never felt hopeless life,getting pummeled side,jdl gamer girl 6396,3867,31,jdl gamer girl 6396 drowning failing every single person life criticized every single person life controlled every single person life know deal abusive ex fighting custody daughter granted overnights week never spent six hour going scared young understand mom tried suggesting transition slowly refusing unless give six hour week good faith two week pay 2k court appointed person ask get rid held contempt court resulting fine jail time even though unemployed another couple month dad well able help want get involved financially able boyfriend completely minimizing demonizing feeling every single time point problem play victim turn around pick hurt feeling need toughen trust mean get upset tell need let go hatred imagined authority super stressed point 85 negative time feeling neglected unloved need keep feeling need guilt top stress baby ha sick sleeping well woke 4 30 morning normally get 6 30 wa trying get back well also live parent stepdad told mom wa yelling daughter stomping around room intimidate true told boyfriend wa stern yelling said maybe change stern voice apparently scare people yes let whatever fuck everyone want want autonomy authority damn life let stop expressing emotion mean stop emotion together please fucker life let change something even feel wrong make someone else fucking happy happy well bad apparently everyone else feeling matter mine want die fucking live like every waking moment life trying please someone else putting everyone else chastised belittled berated one let think fucking hold able control say think feel fucking live like fucking way unemployed summer live parent listen bullshit get ex stop stalking harassing insulting court refusing hold accountable force dad keep jail something zero control get boyfriend considerate feeling break either completely fall apart good moment literally thing keeping functioning honestly feel like skin shattered even shattered piece like broken piece tempered glass split many piece impossible count get cut every single time move walking breathing flesh bag blood fragment zero way never felt hopeless life getting pummeled side
What is this assessment?,"Counselor read a few short stories about people wanting/not wanting to do something, then asked if the character was telling the truth or lying. Does anyone know what this is about?",justathroway9798124,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedw7z/what_is_this_assessment/,counselor read short story people wanting wanting something asked character wa telling truth lying doe anyone know,assessment,thro way 9798124,181,24,thro way 9798124 counselor read short story people wanting wanting something asked character wa telling truth lying doe anyone know assessment
I feel like I'm no longer part of this world,"Existence is painful.  

Weeks ago I decided to stop contacting my friends, I disabled my social networks. Maybe that makes things easier.

I can't forget things that hurt me, since I wask a kid. These things still in looping in my head. And I can't forgive my ex for never helping me, for leaving me in a worse situation and then abandoning me after taking everything from me, after I helped him until my last cent. I hate and love him, and I was hoping that he would regret what he did to me, and help me as I helped him.  But noooo. He said ""I will never forget you, but we will never see each other again"" as if I had already died. He knows I will. He acts like I'm already gone.

This is so cruel and death is all I can think about, because I know that I have been a burden for my family since I was born. And I never had, nor will never have a normal and happy life. This relationship was my last attempt.",MiaNebulosaX,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febhu0/i_feel_like_im_no_longer_part_of_this_world/,existence painful week ago decided stop contacting friend disabled social network maybe make thing easier forget thing hurt since wask kid thing still looping head forgive ex never helping leaving worse situation abandoning taking everything helped last cent hate love wa hoping would regret help helped noooo said never forget never see already died know act like already gone cruel death think know burden family since wa born never never normal happy life relationship wa last attempt,feel like longer part world,mia nebulosa x,911,44,mia nebulosa x existence painful week ago decided stop contacting friend disabled social network maybe make thing easier forget thing hurt since wask kid thing still looping head forgive ex never helping leaving worse situation abandoning taking everything helped last cent hate love wa hoping would regret help helped noooo said never forget never see already died know act like already gone cruel death think know burden family since wa born never never normal happy life relationship wa last attempt feel like longer part world
"Chronic Harm OCD sufferer experiencing awful depression, advice?","Hello. Depression has always been a secondary problem for me, with my main antagonist being severe Harm OCD. But since my relationship ended 8 months ago, I've been stuck in this horrific cycle of absolutely loathing myself, feeling heavy/tired and totally unmotivated to do anything. It's like I'm living in a 2 dimensional world. Nothing in life jumps out and catches my attention like it used to. I used to be quite creative but it's just taken a nose dive. Any work I do is utterly awful and I'm amazed I'm not been kicked off projects (I work freelance). I wake up and I just want to be dead, quite honestly. In fact in the last few weeks I've even found getting out of bed to be a monumental struggle in itself, where I'm almost in tears from the weight of everything.

I am getting help with a therapist and am on an SSRI/low dose anti psych. And I've taken their advice seriously in terms of behavioural activation and avoiding staying in bed. I've started cycling again (just done 20 miles today in fact). But I still feel utterly wretched and everything I do is laced with this horrible belief that this is the end and suicide is my only way out of the pain I'm going through. The years ahead fill me with dread (I'm in my 30s). With my Harm OCD I have a huge hatred of myself anyway, but lately things have just got so heavy. I'd just like to know if anybody can relate to my post and has any first person advice? Psychiatrists and therapists always feel so removed from the reality (for me, anyway) - I'd just like to hear from people who know what's like and have helped themselves.",WishIwasNormal123,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedu8v/chronic_harm_ocd_sufferer_experiencing_awful/,hello depression ha always secondary problem main antagonist severe harm ocd since relationship ended 8 month ago stuck horrific cycle absolutely loathing feeling heavy tired totally unmotivated anything like living 2 dimensional world nothing life jump catch attention like used used quite creative taken nose dive work utterly awful amazed kicked project work freelance wake want dead quite honestly fact last week even found getting bed monumental struggle almost tear weight everything getting help therapist ssri low dose anti psych taken advice seriously term behavioural activation avoiding staying bed started cycling done 20 mile today fact still feel utterly wretched everything laced horrible belief end suicide way pain going year ahead fill dread 30 harm ocd huge hatred anyway lately thing got heavy like know anybody relate post ha first person advice psychiatrist therapist always feel removed reality anyway like hear people know like helped,chronic harm ocd sufferer experiencing awful depression advice,wish wa normal 123,1595,64,wish wa normal 123 hello depression ha always secondary problem main antagonist severe harm ocd since relationship ended 8 month ago stuck horrific cycle absolutely loathing feeling heavy tired totally unmotivated anything like living 2 dimensional world nothing life jump catch attention like used used quite creative taken nose dive work utterly awful amazed kicked project work freelance wake want dead quite honestly fact last week even found getting bed monumental struggle almost tear weight everything getting help therapist ssri low dose anti psych taken advice seriously term behavioural activation avoiding staying bed started cycling done 20 mile today fact still feel utterly wretched everything laced horrible belief end suicide way pain going year ahead fill dread 30 harm ocd huge hatred anyway lately thing got heavy like know anybody relate post ha first person advice psychiatrist therapist always feel removed reality anyway like hear people know like helped chronic harm ocd sufferer experiencing awful depression advice
My friend saved my life today,"You’ve probably haven’t heard from me since I made that concerning post awhile ago, then me deleting it. Welp I’m alive still, but I was very close to ending it today. My head was spiraling more than I’ve ever felt, and light started to blur and noise was distorted. Keep in mind, I wasn’t dying or gaining out of consciousness, I was just walking around my school and I heard the noise of a helicopter, while the sunset was gleaming in my eye. I was just trying to find that damn helicopter since that noise was just consuming me, and my whole world was vanishing, and I lost my meaning completely. I just wanted to end it. I didn’t know how, but I knew I wouldn’t be alive tomorrow. My mind was gone.

I then sat down and cried. Through the hole of the tables outside, I saw a pair of converse. While crying and trying to hide my tears from the cheer team that just got back from practice, I saw friend’s converse who had just came back from 711. They were surprised to see me there, and gave me the rest of their iced coffee. They didn’t know I was crying since I played it off that I was sleeping. We spent another 30 minutes eating brownies and talking about our day.

I don’t think I’ve ever appreciated a person so much in my life. I never knew that the person who saved me would be the one I would least expect. 

I owe them my life.",ImogenLink,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe80b1/my_friend_saved_my_life_today/,probably heard since made concerning post awhile ago deleting welp alive still wa close ending today head wa spiraling ever felt light started blur noise wa distorted keep mind dying gaining consciousness wa walking around school heard noise helicopter sunset wa gleaming eye wa trying find damn helicopter since noise wa consuming whole world wa vanishing lost meaning completely wanted end know knew alive tomorrow mind wa gone sat cried hole table outside saw pair converse cry trying hide tear cheer team got back practice saw friend converse came back 711 surprised see gave rest iced coffee know wa cry since played wa sleeping spent another 30 minute eating brownie talking day think ever appreciated person much life never knew person saved would one would least expect owe life,friend saved life today,imogen link,1341,29,imogen link probably heard since made concerning post awhile ago deleting welp alive still wa close ending today head wa spiraling ever felt light started blur noise wa distorted keep mind dying gaining consciousness wa walking around school heard noise helicopter sunset wa gleaming eye wa trying find damn helicopter since noise wa consuming whole world wa vanishing lost meaning completely wanted end know knew alive tomorrow mind wa gone sat cried hole table outside saw pair converse cry trying hide tear cheer team got back practice saw friend converse came back 711 surprised see gave rest iced coffee know wa cry since played wa sleeping spent another 30 minute eating brownie talking day think ever appreciated person much life never knew person saved would one would least expect owe life friend saved life today
Should I pull the trigger?,"Was freaking out yesterday, broke crap and screamed and cussed about his money problems and stuff, then calmed down. Well he’s back at it again today. Saying I don’t do anything around the house, and admitted that my brother has apparently been texting him and talk crap about me behind my back as well. Saying that I should do more to help out cause he apparently thinks I can keep up by myself with our two story house and doesn’t realize I’m depressed cause he’s an idiot. Then my dad start screaming about how I’m making his life hard and how I should just leave. And that he’s gonna start charging me rent and if I can’t afford I can get out of his house. I have work in a few hours and I don’t think I can go. Not only cause I need him for a ride but how am I supposed to function at work after this. I’m literally holding one of my dads handguns in my lap that he gave me for self defense if ever needed. I’ve never thought so hard or wanted so bad to just quit being a wimp and pull the trigger? Should I? I don’t see a point in going on. If I do, I’ll just have to go through this all over again. I want it over. I’m also thinking of sending a photo to my brother, at least to scare the crap out of him. Maybe then he’ll think twice before talking behind my back to a man who’s mentally unstable again.",testamentsofanguish,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feh2ad/should_i_pull_the_trigger/,wa freaking yesterday broke crap screamed cussed money problem stuff calmed well back today saying anything around house admitted brother ha apparently texting talk crap behind back well saying help cause apparently think keep two story house realize depressed cause idiot dad start screaming making life hard leave gonna start charging rent afford get house work hour think go cause need ride supposed function work literally holding one dad handgun lap gave self defense ever needed never thought hard wanted bad quit wimp pull trigger see point going go want also thinking sending photo brother least scare crap maybe think twice talking behind back man mentally unstable,pull trigger,testament anguish,1311,26,testament anguish wa freaking yesterday broke crap screamed cussed money problem stuff calmed well back today saying anything around house admitted brother ha apparently texting talk crap behind back well saying help cause apparently think keep two story house realize depressed cause idiot dad start screaming making life hard leave gonna start charging rent afford get house work hour think go cause need ride supposed function work literally holding one dad handgun lap gave self defense ever needed never thought hard wanted bad quit wimp pull trigger see point going go want also thinking sending photo brother least scare crap maybe think twice talking behind back man mentally unstable pull trigger
Life is hard.,"Life is hard. I failing one of my classes(chem). I’m really stresses out. I have depression, for the past few years.  I feel like killing myself each because I’m not good enough for my parents. My sibling all have amazing jobs and great singing voices. And I just feel like I’m the one home and depressed holding my parents down.  I feel like it would be easier to go instead of me being here in pain, and spreading that pain to others.",Isabella12345678910,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea9vk/life_is_hard/,life hard failing one class chem really stress depression past year feel like killing good enough parent sibling amazing job great singing voice feel like one home depressed holding parent feel like would easier go instead pain spreading pain others,life hard,isabella 12345678910,436,13,isabella 12345678910 life hard failing one class chem really stress depression past year feel like killing good enough parent sibling amazing job great singing voice feel like one home depressed holding parent feel like would easier go instead pain spreading pain others life hard
Don’t want to sleep because tomorrow will come faster,"All I want to do is get in bed and sleep forever, but I can’t seem to bring myself to sleep because that will just bring tomorrow faster and that is worse than just lying here exhausted.  Does anyone else ever feel like that?  I’m new to this level of depression and am at a loss.  I really don’t know what I want to say or hear, but thank you for letting me rant and for listening.",ThrownAwayExile,94,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnzub/dont_want_to_sleep_because_tomorrow_will_come/,want get bed sleep forever seem bring sleep bring tomorrow faster worse lying exhausted doe anyone else ever feel like new level depression loss really know want say hear thank letting rant listening,want sleep tomorrow come faster,thrown away exile,382,53,thrown away exile want get bed sleep forever seem bring sleep bring tomorrow faster worse lying exhausted doe anyone else ever feel like new level depression loss really know want say hear thank letting rant listening want sleep tomorrow come faster
F[20] can’t find a job?,"I just turned 20 and am beginning college this year since I haven’t had money for it and I don’t count with my moms support in any way. Last year a lot of things happened that made me spiral into a terrible depression and lost my job because of it. Since then things have just progressively gotten worse and I can’t find a new job. Where I live there isn’t much places to work at since it’s a small town yet I can’t seem to find in one place. It makes me super sad to see that everyone is doing fine while I’m doing nothing with my life and it makes me feel like a failure. I know I could be doing so much better and greater things but I just don’t know where to start. I wish I had my moms support like other kids do but it’s not the case and I have to do things on my own, but I feel like everything is a giant and I’m a speck of dust, what can I do to better my situation or feel better and more positive about it?",notahufflepufff,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegyid/f20_cant_find_a_job/,turned 20 beginning college year since money count mom support way last year lot thing happened made spiral terrible depression lost job since thing progressively gotten worse find new job live much place work since small town yet seem find one place make super sad see everyone fine nothing life make feel like failure know could much better greater thing know start wish mom support like kid case thing feel like everything giant speck dust better situation feel better positive,f 20 find job,huff le puff f,917,23,huff le puff f turned 20 beginning college year since money count mom support way last year lot thing happened made spiral terrible depression lost job since thing progressively gotten worse find new job live much place work since small town yet seem find one place make super sad see everyone fine nothing life make feel like failure know could much better greater thing know start wish mom support like kid case thing feel like everything giant speck dust better situation feel better positive f 20 find job
"I made a poem symbolizing my current life right now. Depressing, but writing poems is my only hope of backing off the edge right now for me","I look down,

 down toward the eternal chasm of peace,

along  with solitude and darkness,

 but peace nonetheless.

 I summon all my will,

 but the mind stops me.

 So close, yet so far.

 All I now do is wait,

waiting for the push, 

the push that’ll bring me to rest.  

But it never came.",TheMafiaRulez,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fec6sc/i_made_a_poem_symbolizing_my_current_life_right/,look toward eternal chasm peace along solitude darkness peace nonetheless summon mind stop close yet far wait waiting push push bring rest never came,made poem symbolizing current life right depressing writing poem hope backing edge right,mafia rule z,294,139,mafia rule z look toward eternal chasm peace along solitude darkness peace nonetheless summon mind stop close yet far wait waiting push push bring rest never came made poem symbolizing current life right depressing writing poem hope backing edge right
First Therapy Sessions: sliding scale?,"Hi

I'm going to be seeing a therapist for the first time in a while, at the urging of my partner. For a long time, I've felt like my problems did not warrant a therapy session, so I am just now taking my situation more seriously. I can't continue on like this and I know it. so I'm going.

My problem is that I have minimal insurance (500$ for the year for mental health). My new therapist works on a sliding scale, but I don't know how much to pay. She's given me 100$ as an option, then I got overwhelmed and she told me to think about what I thought was fair. I might be able to get on my partner's insurance at some point, but I have no idea when,

I'm now terrified of not being able to afford therapy, because I can feel myself getting close to a breaking point. 

I'm so sorry if this isn't supposed to be posted on this subreddit. This was the only one I knew/have known for a while

Thank you in advance for any advice you might have (even if it is to delete this)",Minimum-Meaning,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegsxh/first_therapy_sessions_sliding_scale/,hi going seeing therapist first time urging partner long time felt like problem warrant therapy session taking situation seriously continue like know going problem minimal insurance 500 year mental health new therapist work sliding scale know much pay given 100 option got overwhelmed told think thought wa fair might able get partner insurance point idea terrified able afford therapy feel getting close breaking point sorry supposed posted subreddit wa one knew known thank advance advice might even delete,first therapy session sliding scale,minimum meaning,974,38,minimum meaning hi going seeing therapist first time urging partner long time felt like problem warrant therapy session taking situation seriously continue like know going problem minimal insurance 500 year mental health new therapist work sliding scale know much pay given 100 option got overwhelmed told think thought wa fair might able get partner insurance point idea terrified able afford therapy feel getting close breaking point sorry supposed posted subreddit wa one knew known thank advance advice might even delete first therapy session sliding scale
Is mixing pills with alcohol actually an effective method for suicide?,"I've always seen pills as the ""cry for help"" suicide method, but at the same time, I've also heard about people who take some pills, drink some Jack Daniels and peacefully die in their sleep.

How deadly is this suicide method really? What are the chances that someone who tries this method ends up waking up feeling sick rather than dying without realizing it?",TroyBehave,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegssm/is_mixing_pills_with_alcohol_actually_an/,always seen pill cry help suicide method time also heard people take pill drink jack daniel peacefully die sleep deadly suicide method really chance someone try method end waking feeling sick rather dying without realizing,mixing pill alcohol actually effective method suicide,troy behave,361,70,troy behave always seen pill cry help suicide method time also heard people take pill drink jack daniel peacefully die sleep deadly suicide method really chance someone try method end waking feeling sick rather dying without realizing mixing pill alcohol actually effective method suicide
Almost there..,"Just wondering if anyone is having the same problem as I. I am struggling for about 3 years now and I am not getting better anytime soon. Im getting sick of the job that I am doing, although I am good at it but it doesn't mean that it is what I want to do for the rest of my working life. The problem is I cant seem to stay at this type of job for more than a year. Ive been with 4 companies already within that span of 3 years. Plus I am losing my will to even work because Im about to lose my son, my partner and I had this stupid fight and decided to cut my ties between them. I am so lost right now and I cant sleep most of the time. I dont know what to do. Problems keep on adding and adding up. I need some advices to keep me sane. Or I might end up dead one day.",SilentReader6969,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedjz0/almost_there/,wondering anyone problem struggling 3 year getting better anytime soon im getting sick job although good mean want rest working life problem cant seem stay type job year ive 4 company already within span 3 year plus losing even work im lose son partner stupid fight decided cut tie lost right cant sleep time dont know problem keep adding adding need advice keep sane might end dead one day,almost,silent reader 6969,769,14,silent reader 6969 wondering anyone problem struggling 3 year getting better anytime soon im getting sick job although good mean want rest working life problem cant seem stay type job year ive 4 company already within span 3 year plus losing even work im lose son partner stupid fight decided cut tie lost right cant sleep time dont know problem keep adding adding need advice keep sane might end dead one day almost
I can’t stop making things worse,"Since this year started I feel like all I do is keep screwing up, I thought I could make life better compared to last year, but instead I’ve f*cked it up more and want nothing but either the end or to just get away from this town, this city, everything and everyone. I have nothing anymore, and I have no one. I’d rather be dead than feeling at this point.",ant2312,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fec3i6/i_cant_stop_making_things_worse/,since year started feel like keep screwing thought could make life better compared last year instead f cked want nothing either end get away town city everything everyone nothing anymore one rather dead feeling point,stop making thing worse,ant 2312,356,32,ant 2312 since year started feel like keep screwing thought could make life better compared last year instead f cked want nothing either end get away town city everything everyone nothing anymore one rather dead feeling point stop making thing worse
I hate how much I lie to people.,"I have been asked multiple times if I'm okay or if I'll go to somebody if I'm not. Without failure the I say that I'm fine or that I will. I know full well that I won't go to them, and I hate that fact.",Cosaur,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4w4j/i_hate_how_much_i_lie_to_people/,asked multiple time okay go somebody without failure say fine know full well go hate fact,hate much lie people,cosa ur,202,32,cosa ur asked multiple time okay go somebody without failure say fine know full well go hate fact hate much lie people
"I was in relationship years ago with someone who dealt with depression, and I just found out my current SO started self harming, not sure how far back it goes.","I’m trying to understand what’s going on with my current SO, I don’t fully understand depression nor do I understand self harm. 
I spent 4 years with my ex who was severely depressed and had suicidal tendencies at his worst points. I tried so hard to be there for him but I eventually gave up when he forced me to leave him because he knew I would be better off without him. 

Now I’m with my current boyfriend, who has been amazing and my rock, but he just revealed that his cuts are actually his own doing. I’ve only seen it twice. He’s a normal happy guy with some family troubles, sometimes financial but he handles things rather well and optimistically. It’s hard to gauge him at times because he’s generally a happy guy but he breaks down easily when things start to pile on, understandably so. He is nowhere near how I would describe someone who is depressed, but now I’m not so sure because of the SH. 
Can someone help me understand what he might be going through? Should I be worrying for his life? I’m heartbroken because I hate seeing this pain he’s going through. I thought it was something I wouldn’t have to go through again, it was hard going through it in the past. I feel selfish for feeling like this, I feel almost upset that this is happening. Not at him, but at the situation. 
I don’t know how to go about this at all, I’m just trying to see how I could help him.",lb_fantastic,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea3k7/i_was_in_relationship_years_ago_with_someone_who/,trying understand going current fully understand depression understand self harm spent 4 year ex wa severely depressed suicidal tendency worst point tried hard eventually gave forced leave knew would better without current boyfriend ha amazing rock revealed cut actually seen twice normal happy guy family trouble sometimes financial handle thing rather well optimistically hard gauge time generally happy guy break easily thing start pile understandably nowhere near would describe someone depressed sure sh someone help understand might going worrying life heartbroken hate seeing pain going thought wa something go wa hard going past feel selfish feeling like feel almost upset happening situation know go trying see could help,wa relationship year ago someone dealt depression found current started self harming sure far back go,lb fantastic,1386,159,lb fantastic trying understand going current fully understand depression understand self harm spent 4 year ex wa severely depressed suicidal tendency worst point tried hard eventually gave forced leave knew would better without current boyfriend ha amazing rock revealed cut actually seen twice normal happy guy family trouble sometimes financial handle thing rather well optimistically hard gauge time generally happy guy break easily thing start pile understandably nowhere near would describe someone depressed sure sh someone help understand might going worrying life heartbroken hate seeing pain going thought wa something go wa hard going past feel selfish feeling like feel almost upset happening situation know go trying see could help wa relationship year ago someone dealt depression found current started self harming sure far back go
"I’m screaming but no one can hear, no one wanna hear","Everyday, I’m wishing and hoping that the next day would be different. Hoping that everytime I wake up, I wake up in the reality not this nightmare anymore. But the more I hope, the higher I fall. Exhausted of everything it won’t change. I just want to end it.",Allenhrnndz,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzzba/im_screaming_but_no_one_can_hear_no_one_wanna_hear/,everyday wishing hoping next day would different hoping everytime wake wake reality nightmare anymore hope higher fall exhausted everything change want end,screaming one hear one wanna hear,allen hr nn dz,260,52,allen hr nn dz everyday wishing hoping next day would different hoping everytime wake wake reality nightmare anymore hope higher fall exhausted everything change want end screaming one hear one wanna hear
What is something that others can do to help a victim of depression?,"As an individual who is friends with or have family members that suffer from depression, Ive always wondered, what is something that can help depression that a therapist is lacking? From my personal experience, Ive always heard that having a therapist to treat your depression can be helpful sometimes but many times, from what I hear, the patient continues to suffer from depression. What is something that others can do to help a victim of depression? From your personal experience, what do you believe could be extremely helpful when treating or helping those with depression? I am genuinely curious and eager for ANY feedback due to my desire of assisting others.",tranquilteacher,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegkjk/what_is_something_that_others_can_do_to_help_a/,individual friend family member suffer depression ive always wondered something help depression therapist lacking personal experience ive always heard therapist treat depression helpful sometimes many time hear patient continues suffer depression something others help victim depression personal experience believe could extremely helpful treating helping depression genuinely curious eager feedback due desire assisting others,something others help victim depression,tranquil teacher,667,68,tranquil teacher individual friend family member suffer depression ive always wondered something help depression therapist lacking personal experience ive always heard therapist treat depression helpful sometimes many time hear patient continues suffer depression something others help victim depression personal experience believe could extremely helpful treating helping depression genuinely curious eager feedback due desire assisting others something others help victim depression
I'm afraid to try a different treatment that might really help me.,"So my depression is *very* treatment-resistant. I've lost track of how many different meds and med combos I've tried. Recently it was suggested that I try TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation), which has been proven to be effective for depression like mine. My psychiatrist referred me to the doctor who does it, but I've been putting off actually making the appointment because I'm scared.

You know how sometimes people don't like taking meds because they make them feel like they're not themselves anymore; like they make them feel numb or empty? It's sort of like that, except in reverse. I've had my depression for well over a decade, more than half my life, and I literally can't imagine what it'd be like if it actually got better. Would I still feel like me? I know that things would improve, obviously, but change is scary, and in a bizarre way, my depression is comfortable. It's been a constant for most of my life and I don't know who I'd be without it.

TL;DR- I'm scared to try something that could work because I don't know who I'd be without my depression.",cupcakewaffles,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegjn9/im_afraid_to_try_a_different_treatment_that_might/,depression treatment resistant lost track many different med med combo tried recently wa suggested try tm transcranial magnetic stimulation ha proven effective depression like mine psychiatrist referred doctor doe putting actually making appointment scared know sometimes people like taking med make feel like anymore like make feel numb empty sort like except reverse depression well decade half life literally imagine like actually got better would still feel like know thing would improve obviously change scary bizarre way depression comfortable constant life know without tl dr scared try something could work know without depression,afraid try different treatment might really help,cupcake waffle,1074,66,cupcake waffle depression treatment resistant lost track many different med med combo tried recently wa suggested try tm transcranial magnetic stimulation ha proven effective depression like mine psychiatrist referred doctor doe putting actually making appointment scared know sometimes people like taking med make feel like anymore like make feel numb empty sort like except reverse depression well decade half life literally imagine like actually got better would still feel like know thing would improve obviously change scary bizarre way depression comfortable constant life know without tl dr scared try something could work know without depression afraid try different treatment might really help
depersonalization/derealization,"I'm currently on Zoloft and Lamictal for anxiety. Few months ago I stated having panic attacks, but they resolved with zoloft. Yesterday something very freighting happened to me. As I was talking to my daughter's teacher I felt I was slowly disconnecting from the surroundings. I was forgetting where I was, who I was talking to. This horror lasted 2 hours. After I finally took Klonopin the symptoms stopped.  I'm relatively a healthy person. I will be seeing a neurologist to make sure that there is no other underling condition. Did this ever happened to you?",bachia1975,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegjem/depersonalizationderealization/,currently zoloft lamictal anxiety month ago stated panic attack resolved zoloft yesterday something freighting happened wa talking daughter teacher felt wa slowly disconnecting surroundings wa forgetting wa wa talking horror lasted 2 hour finally took klonopin symptom stopped relatively healthy person seeing neurologist make sure underling condition ever happened,depersonalization derealization,bachi 1975,562,31,bachi 1975 currently zoloft lamictal anxiety month ago stated panic attack resolved zoloft yesterday something freighting happened wa talking daughter teacher felt wa slowly disconnecting surroundings wa forgetting wa wa talking horror lasted 2 hour finally took klonopin symptom stopped relatively healthy person seeing neurologist make sure underling condition ever happened depersonalization derealization
Pretty sure my life is falling apart.,I'm a fucking burden on everyone. Idk why there's still like 5 people that care. I wish they didn't so I could just fucking die already,RegularlyAlive,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegjav/pretty_sure_my_life_is_falling_apart/,fucking burden everyone idk still like 5 people care wish could fucking die already,pretty sure life falling apart,regularly alive,135,37,regularly alive fucking burden everyone idk still like 5 people care wish could fucking die already pretty sure life falling apart
Loneliness and everything failing,"I just need to vent out. I have no friends to talk with, my family doesn’t care or are too busy to care, and those people I message are too centered in themselves to notice.

I’ve been feeling down, really down and sad. No matter what I do nor how many funny memes I see I cannot bring myself to be cheered up.",smolsinner,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feghzt/loneliness_and_everything_failing/,need vent friend talk family care busy care people message centered notice feeling really sad matter many funny meme see cannot bring cheered,loneliness everything failing,mol sinner,310,33,mol sinner need vent friend talk family care busy care people message centered notice feeling really sad matter many funny meme see cannot bring cheered loneliness everything failing
Do you have stressful days with lots of emotions too?,"I sometimes overflood with emotions, i feel more anxious around this time.. its a warning sign to make me aware again of social situations i think. Its just part of who i am. I want to think less negative, and keep structure in my days",ansjksjsjd,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feghtw/do_you_have_stressful_days_with_lots_of_emotions/,sometimes overflood emotion feel anxious around time warning sign make aware social situation think part want think le negative keep structure day,stressful day lot emotion,sjk j jd,235,53,sjk j jd sometimes overflood emotion feel anxious around time warning sign make aware social situation think part want think le negative keep structure day stressful day lot emotion
I can’t keep this up.,"The fight has left me. I really don’t have the strength to keep pushing through every day. If it weren’t for my wife and parents I would have checked out long ago. I can’t do that to them. I also can’t keep on like this. The mask is starting to crack. I’ve no lack for support or professional help. I take my meds. I go to therapy. I look after myself physically. I’m doing the right things, yet nearly every minute of every day I just want to die. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m basically waiting for the clock to run out. That’s 20-30 years away. Holy hell is that thought terrifying. This feels like prison with no chance of parole.",235907790589753438,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febz3c/i_cant_keep_this_up/,fight ha left really strength keep pushing every day wife parent would checked long ago also keep like mask starting crack lack support professional help take med go therapy look physically right thing yet nearly every minute every day want die know anymore basically waiting clock run 20 30 year away holy hell thought terrifying feel like prison chance parole,keep,235907790589753438,641,21,235907790589753438 fight ha left really strength keep pushing every day wife parent would checked long ago also keep like mask starting crack lack support professional help take med go therapy look physically right thing yet nearly every minute every day want die know anymore basically waiting clock run 20 30 year away holy hell thought terrifying feel like prison chance parole keep
I’ve fucked everything up,"Aight, so I’m 15 and I completely fucked everything up and need help and don’t know what to do. I spend all my time in my room, the only time I leave is to go to go to school or smoke weed/take acid and md. I’m scared to talk to anyone, when someone I’m friends with talks with one of there I just leave cause I’m 2 nervous to talk. My best friends have given up on me, they tell me fuck off cause they don’t want to be around me. My parents have given up, I told them I wanted to go to therapy when I was 13 and they told me it was a waste of time. I don’t feel emotions, I haven’t felt happy/sad in about a year. I’m not scared of death anymore, I can’t sleep and I don’t know what 2 do. Every decision I make makes it all worst. What can I do to make it better cause currently all I can think is suicide.",antisocialsociety,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feb3bd/ive_fucked_everything_up/,aight 15 completely fucked everything need help know spend time room time leave go go school smoke weed take acid md scared talk anyone someone friend talk one leave cause 2 nervous talk best friend given tell fuck cause want around parent given told wanted go therapy wa 13 told wa waste time feel emotion felt happy sad year scared death anymore sleep know 2 every decision make make worst make better cause currently think suicide,fucked everything,antisocial society,807,25,antisocial society aight 15 completely fucked everything need help know spend time room time leave go go school smoke weed take acid md scared talk anyone someone friend talk one leave cause 2 nervous talk best friend given tell fuck cause want around parent given told wanted go therapy wa 13 told wa waste time feel emotion felt happy sad year scared death anymore sleep know 2 every decision make make worst make better cause currently think suicide fucked everything
Where to go?,"Hi, 

As the title suggests, where to go or how to help yourself where my options are severely limited?
My GP can only organise pills for me. I have no way of acquiring a therapist. I have been severely depressed for past couple of weeks and mildly since about November.

I don't have a trusted parent, sibling or a friend that I could open up to. I tried a while ago but I ask to support me in functioning day to day, pushing me to work and they just tell me they're sorry or they wish they could help. You know, the empty ""You can talk to me, it will get better"". Then they cut contact. My boyfriend just says he doesn't know how to help me and has phases of randomly complimenting me or texting me to tell me he loves me for two days straight then he forgets all about it. I'm sure he tries his best but I just wish I had more support and he says ""he can't help me anymore than he does"" everytime. I feel so trapped. I always have to pretend I'm fine. I always cover up with humor. It seems like I'm insincere or dramatic when I finally snap and just say I'm a mess. 

I can't afford a therapist. My university counselling office won't help me. They offered a suicide hotline numbers (?) and  ""we're sorry but this isn't a psychological support that we do here"".

How to cope? Where to go?

Edit: Please don't advertise religion/cults to me. I'm not interested and heavily despise brainwash without any real therapeutical value.",tootsieallgrownup,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febwi0/where_to_go/,hi title suggests go help option severely limited gp organise pill way acquiring therapist severely depressed past couple week mildly since november trusted parent sibling friend could open tried ago ask support functioning day day pushing work tell sorry wish could help know empty talk get better cut contact boyfriend say know help ha phase randomly complimenting texting tell love two day straight forgets sure try best wish support say help anymore doe everytime feel trapped always pretend fine always cover humor seems like insincere dramatic finally snap say mess afford therapist university counselling office help offered suicide hotline number sorry psychological support cope go edit please advertise religion cult interested heavily despise brainwash without real therapeutical value,go,tootsie grownup,1431,12,tootsie grownup hi title suggests go help option severely limited gp organise pill way acquiring therapist severely depressed past couple week mildly since november trusted parent sibling friend could open tried ago ask support functioning day day pushing work tell sorry wish could help know empty talk get better cut contact boyfriend say know help ha phase randomly complimenting texting tell love two day straight forgets sure try best wish support say help anymore doe everytime feel trapped always pretend fine always cover humor seems like insincere dramatic finally snap say mess afford therapist university counselling office help offered suicide hotline number sorry psychological support cope go edit please advertise religion cult interested heavily despise brainwash without real therapeutical value go
"My family doesn't validate or accept my feelings, so I don't either.","Over the years, I've been called lazy for wanting to lie in bed, a baby for breaking down and crying, and selfish for wanting any time to myself. 
  
  
When they suspected that I was doing bad things to myself, I was also told that I would burn in hell for it.
  
  
I was diagnosed with depression, and even the doctor didn't really seem to care. 
  
  
So I guess I don't either. I don't take care of myself as much as I should because I'm losing my will to change. To be better. 
  
  
I'm starting to think that I really am just as useless as my family thinks I am.",AMonsterMask,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fed896/my_family_doesnt_validate_or_accept_my_feelings/,year called lazy wanting lie bed baby breaking cry selfish wanting time suspected wa bad thing wa also told would burn hell wa diagnosed depression even doctor really seem care guess either take care much losing change better starting think really useless family think,family validate accept feeling either,monster mask,570,68,monster mask year called lazy wanting lie bed baby breaking cry selfish wanting time suspected wa bad thing wa also told would burn hell wa diagnosed depression even doctor really seem care guess either take care much losing change better starting think really useless family think family validate accept feeling either
"I’m 21, just recently realized my dad is a terrible person and my childhood fucked me up more than anyone can see. I feel hopeless and have no life skills. Think my family is cursed(?)","My dad is an immigrant and came the US in his 30’s after he married my 18 year old mother who was studying abroad in his home country.

He quickly became financially successful and moderately famous in his industry. Things that came to define him above anything else.

My parents had me 11 years into their marriage and I have no siblings. 

I was homeschooled for most of my childhood and super sheltered from everything in life. Never allowed to have sleepovers, rarely allowed to have friends over, had every moment of my life scheduled and micromanaged.  I was never encouraged to pursue anything except becoming a professional soccer player (which was never what I wanted to do, but something my dad wanted me to do as a way to live out his dreams through me vicariously.) 

He was never around. He financially supported me and my mom and lived in the same city as us most of the time, but was never there to parent me and was rarely even around on holidays or birthdays. He kept his things at our house, but came home maybe once a month, sometimes less. He always said he needed to be closer to work so he was staying at his friend’s house (everything in the whole city is a 30 minute drive or less, and he never worked for anyone but himself.) 

Now that I’m an adult, I understand he was living with various girlfriends though he was still married to my mom, and she always seemed to be waiting up for him to come home and finally be a dad/husband. 

I developed severe anorexia at 12, and my family seemed to ignore it even though I stopped growing, lost 40 pounds, was rarely eating, and was exercising 4-6 hours a day. When I was literally weeks away from death with a BMI of <12, my mom finally took me to a doctor after my grandma begged her to because “something was really wrong with me.” The doctor told her I was  anorexic and recommended in-patient treatment and psychotherapy. My mom yelled at the doctor, said “there’s no way MY daughter is anorexic,” and stormed out of the office. 

For the next 6 months or so, I stayed at the same weight and, nightly, would sit down at the dinner table with my mom and cry for hours while she screamed at me to finish my food. I never went to therapy for the eating disorder and she denied every doctor who told her I was mentally ill. She was SURE I had tapeworms, a thyroid disease, celiac, or some other ailment that had caused me to lose 40% of my body weight. I stayed at a dangerously low weight until I was 16, which is the first year I went to school, and traded my ED for nightly sneaking out, binge drinking, and bulimia. 

When I was 16, I was almost arrested for trying to buy alcohol, and my dad found out and told me if I wanted alcohol I could just ask him. He started helping me sneak out and giving me alcohol whenever I wanted. I think he did this to drive a wedge between my mom and me, he always loved to have secrets that we would keep from her. He would take me around his 23 year old girlfriend and tell me to not tell my mom. In fact, he would blackmail me, saying things like “don’t tell mom about so and so, you would hate for her to find out about you sneaking out and partying right?” 

When I was 17, my dad lost all his businesses and wealth, and has still been unable to recover from the financial loss. He pinned all his happiness on money, and once it was gone he changed completely. Every time I’ve talked to him since then, all he’s talked about is how broke he is and how my mom caused his financial ruin and what a stupid idiot she is. He curses my mom around me almost every time he talks to me.

He had a long talk with me one night when I was 16. He told me that I should never have kids because they’ll ruin my life. He never wanted kids. He would be a multi millionaire and so happy and free if he had never had a family. My mom is a crazy lunatic and has only ruined his life and finances. 

I fell into a horribly abusive, 4 year relationship with a guy when I was 17. I bounced around from college to vocational school, and also had a moderately successful entertainment career. I’ve never been able to find footing anywhere. I feel like I can’t connect with anyone. I really don’t feel passion for anything and don’t feel like there’s any path in life that I want to take, though I do feel like I’m talented in multiple things. I’m awful at romantic relationships and friendships (maybe because I never had a healthy relationship example from my family, and never had long term friendships when I was growing up?) 

About a year ago, I was talking with my dad about how I wanted to get a job that made a lot of money like bottle service. He suggested I become a stripper. And so I did. I danced for a year, and he insisted I call him and tell him how much money I made every night, and he acted like I was so lucky because he “gave me permission” to do this. Like wtf I’m a grown adult who’s been living on my own since 18, and god knows I was putting in the work all on my own for all the money I made. 

Every time I see him he’s so negative and toxic and I realize now that a lot of the anxiety and problems I felt as a child (I’ve been suicidal literally since I can remember) stemmed from the insane toxic energy that always engulfed my family life. 

I’ve done a lot of psychedelics, and I really do have a good grip on spirituality and mindfulness, and know there’s something way bigger than this earth plane we live on. There are light forces and dark forces. The thing is, lately, I just don’t feel like I am meant to be blessed by the light forces. Like I was born out of darkness from a cursed family, and I am doomed to be miserable, depressed, and toxic just like my dad. He is not a good person. I think he’s a narcissistic sociopath and it scares me that half of my genes come from that. 

His dad was a total narcissist, no respect for women, I felt unexplainably awful vibes from him always. My paternal grandfather had a very successful business when he was younger, but somehow that all dissolved and he ended up completely broke with nothing to leave to his family, dementia, and a mindset that his children should take care of him (which they did, until his death last year.) My aunt put herself through unspeakable stress and pain to take care of my grandfather, who was completely ungrateful for it. 

Most of my dad’s family has ended up in a mental hospital by 70, and they’re all completely depressed or mentally ill, and I feel the same demons taking me under every day. I’ve felt dark forces around me since I can remember. I’ve seen my demons during nightmares and sleep paralysis. I think my abusive ex-boyfriend was influenced by the demons that follow me around. 

I can’t see anything good happening in my life long term. I fear I’m going to end up like everyone on my dad’s side. I recently talked about a lot of this stuff with my mom and she started crying and said she’s failed me in every way, she should’ve left my dad when I was little, and she wishes she never even married him because she was a teenager and literally only knew him for a few months before they got married. That hit so hard, because it just made me feel like my whole life was never even supposed to happen. I was just part of one giant fucked up mistake made by a naive 18 year old. 

I feel like I’m a lost soul, I wasn’t meant to exist, and because of that the dark energy got ahold of me. 

I don’t want to talk to my dad anymore. Am I wrong? I am questioning everything and I really hope I don’t live that long because I don’t see anyone in that family having any glimmer of a nice life over age 55. 

No one takes me seriously when I say my childhood fucked me up so much, because I grew up with a lot of material possessions, money, and a seemingly super involved mother. When people think of bad childhoods, they think of poverty, physical abuse, druggie parents, things like that. Maybe I’m a spoiled brat. But either way I’m just not happy, I can’t remember ever, ever being happy for more than a couple days at a time. What’s wrong with me?",questioninglife_fck,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feb1gg/im_21_just_recently_realized_my_dad_is_a_terrible/,dad immigrant came u 30 married 18 year old mother wa studying abroad home country quickly became financially successful moderately famous industry thing came define anything else parent 11 year marriage sibling wa homeschooled childhood super sheltered everything life never allowed sleepover rarely allowed friend every moment life scheduled micromanaged wa never encouraged pursue anything except becoming professional soccer player wa never wanted something dad wanted way live dream vicariously wa never around financially supported mom lived city u time wa never parent wa rarely even around holiday birthday kept thing house came home maybe month sometimes le always said needed closer work wa staying friend house everything whole city 30 minute drive le never worked anyone adult understand wa living various girlfriend though wa still married mom always seemed waiting come home finally dad husband developed severe anorexia 12 family seemed ignore even though stopped growing lost 40 pound wa rarely eating wa exercising 4 6 hour day wa literally week away death bmi lt 12 mom finally took doctor grandma begged something wa really wrong doctor told wa anorexic recommended patient treatment psychotherapy mom yelled doctor said way daughter anorexic stormed office next 6 month stayed weight nightly would sit dinner table mom cry hour screamed finish food never went therapy eating disorder denied every doctor told wa mentally ill wa sure tapeworm thyroid disease celiac ailment caused lose 40 body weight stayed dangerously low weight wa 16 first year went school traded ed nightly sneaking binge drinking bulimia wa 16 wa almost arrested trying buy alcohol dad found told wanted alcohol could ask started helping sneak giving alcohol whenever wanted think drive wedge mom always loved secret would keep would take around 23 year old girlfriend tell tell mom fact would blackmail saying thing like tell mom would hate find sneaking partying right wa 17 dad lost business wealth ha still unable recover financial loss pinned happiness money wa gone changed completely every time talked since talked broke mom caused financial ruin stupid idiot curse mom around almost every time talk long talk one night wa 16 told never kid ruin life never wanted kid would multi millionaire happy free never family mom crazy lunatic ha ruined life finance fell horribly abusive 4 year relationship guy wa 17 bounced around college vocational school also moderately successful entertainment career never able find footing anywhere feel like connect anyone really feel passion anything feel like path life want take though feel like talented multiple thing awful romantic relationship friendship maybe never healthy relationship example family never long term friendship wa growing year ago wa talking dad wanted get job made lot money like bottle service suggested become stripper danced year insisted call tell much money made every night acted like wa lucky gave permission like wtf grown adult living since 18 god know wa putting work money made every time see negative toxic realize lot anxiety problem felt child suicidal literally since remember stemmed insane toxic energy always engulfed family life done lot psychedelics really good grip spirituality mindfulness know something way bigger earth plane live light force dark force thing lately feel like meant blessed light force like wa born darkness cursed family doomed miserable depressed toxic like dad good person think narcissistic sociopath scare half gene come dad wa total narcissist respect woman felt unexplainably awful vibe always paternal grandfather successful business wa younger somehow dissolved ended completely broke nothing leave family dementia mindset child take care death last year aunt put unspeakable stress pain take care grandfather wa completely ungrateful dad family ha ended mental hospital 70 completely depressed mentally ill feel demon taking every day felt dark force around since remember seen demon nightmare sleep paralysis think abusive ex boyfriend wa influenced demon follow around see anything good happening life long term fear going end like everyone dad side recently talked lot stuff mom started cry said failed every way left dad wa little wish never even married wa teenager literally knew month got married hit hard made feel like whole life wa never even supposed happen wa part one giant fucked mistake made naive 18 year old feel like lost soul meant exist dark energy got ahold want talk dad anymore wrong questioning everything really hope live long see anyone family glimmer nice life age 55 one take seriously say childhood fucked much grew lot material possession money seemingly super involved mother people think bad childhood think poverty physical abuse druggie parent thing like maybe spoiled brat either way happy remember ever ever happy couple day time wrong,21 recently realized dad terrible person childhood fucked anyone see feel hopeless life skill think family cursed,questioning life fc k,8067,184,questioning life fc k dad immigrant came u 30 married 18 year old mother wa studying abroad home country quickly became financially successful moderately famous industry thing came define anything else parent 11 year marriage sibling wa homeschooled childhood super sheltered everything life never allowed sleepover rarely allowed friend every moment life scheduled micromanaged wa never encouraged pursue anything except becoming professional soccer player wa never wanted something dad wanted way live dream vicariously wa never around financially supported mom lived city u time wa never parent wa rarely even around holiday birthday kept thing house came home maybe month sometimes le always said needed closer work wa staying friend house everything whole city 30 minute drive le never worked anyone adult understand wa living various girlfriend though wa still married mom always seemed waiting come home finally dad husband developed severe anorexia 12 family seemed ignore even though stopped growing lost 40 pound wa rarely eating wa exercising 4 6 hour day wa literally week away death bmi lt 12 mom finally took doctor grandma begged something wa really wrong doctor told wa anorexic recommended patient treatment psychotherapy mom yelled doctor said way daughter anorexic stormed office next 6 month stayed weight nightly would sit dinner table mom cry hour screamed finish food never went therapy eating disorder denied every doctor told wa mentally ill wa sure tapeworm thyroid disease celiac ailment caused lose 40 body weight stayed dangerously low weight wa 16 first year went school traded ed nightly sneaking binge drinking bulimia wa 16 wa almost arrested trying buy alcohol dad found told wanted alcohol could ask started helping sneak giving alcohol whenever wanted think drive wedge mom always loved secret would keep would take around 23 year old girlfriend tell tell mom fact would blackmail saying thing like tell mom would hate find sneaking partying right wa 17 dad lost business wealth ha still unable recover financial loss pinned happiness money wa gone changed completely every time talked since talked broke mom caused financial ruin stupid idiot curse mom around almost every time talk long talk one night wa 16 told never kid ruin life never wanted kid would multi millionaire happy free never family mom crazy lunatic ha ruined life finance fell horribly abusive 4 year relationship guy wa 17 bounced around college vocational school also moderately successful entertainment career never able find footing anywhere feel like connect anyone really feel passion anything feel like path life want take though feel like talented multiple thing awful romantic relationship friendship maybe never healthy relationship example family never long term friendship wa growing year ago wa talking dad wanted get job made lot money like bottle service suggested become stripper danced year insisted call tell much money made every night acted like wa lucky gave permission like wtf grown adult living since 18 god know wa putting work money made every time see negative toxic realize lot anxiety problem felt child suicidal literally since remember stemmed insane toxic energy always engulfed family life done lot psychedelics really good grip spirituality mindfulness know something way bigger earth plane live light force dark force thing lately feel like meant blessed light force like wa born darkness cursed family doomed miserable depressed toxic like dad good person think narcissistic sociopath scare half gene come dad wa total narcissist respect woman felt unexplainably awful vibe always paternal grandfather successful business wa younger somehow dissolved ended completely broke nothing leave family dementia mindset child take care death last year aunt put unspeakable stress pain take care grandfather wa completely ungrateful dad family ha ended mental hospital 70 completely depressed mentally ill feel demon taking every day felt dark force around since remember seen demon nightmare sleep paralysis think abusive ex boyfriend wa influenced demon follow around see anything good happening life long term fear going end like everyone dad side recently talked lot stuff mom started cry said failed every way left dad wa little wish never even married wa teenager literally knew month got married hit hard made feel like whole life wa never even supposed happen wa part one giant fucked mistake made naive 18 year old feel like lost soul meant exist dark energy got ahold want talk dad anymore wrong questioning everything really hope live long see anyone family glimmer nice life age 55 one take seriously say childhood fucked much grew lot material possession money seemingly super involved mother people think bad childhood think poverty physical abuse druggie parent thing like maybe spoiled brat either way happy remember ever ever happy couple day time wrong 21 recently realized dad terrible person childhood fucked anyone see feel hopeless life skill think family cursed
To all of those feeling isolated and suffering right now...,"I’ve learned that life is fucking sad sometimes. You start to think that maybe things aren’t going to get better at all. I’ve been at points which I think, it can’t get worse than this, but then I discover a new section of rock bottom, thinking, ah this is it!

 I assure you, There’s always something worse than what you’re going through. It can get worse. Per that same logic, there’s always the chance it gets better. I think I hold onto that and you should too.

 You might have realised at some point, people in your life leave. They come and go, and the only constant in your life is you. You have your back, and that’s what matters at the end of the day. Keeping this in mind, Take care of yourself and be proactive towards seeking friendships and human connections whenever possible. We humans are social creatures, so having this emotional connection can literally save you. It saved me, at least. 

I’m sorry about whatever situation you are facing it right now, but do know that you have a power to improve it. At this point, things can either improve or worsen, and the amazing this is that you have the choice.",never-mind-la,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fega6j/to_all_of_those_feeling_isolated_and_suffering/,learned life fucking sad sometimes start think maybe thing going get better point think get worse discover new section rock bottom thinking ah assure always something worse going get worse per logic always chance get better think hold onto might realised point people life leave come go constant life back matter end day keeping mind take care proactive towards seeking friendship human connection whenever possible human social creature emotional connection literally save saved least sorry whatever situation facing right know power improve point thing either improve worsen amazing choice,feeling isolated suffering right,never mind la,1123,59,never mind la learned life fucking sad sometimes start think maybe thing going get better point think get worse discover new section rock bottom thinking ah assure always something worse going get worse per logic always chance get better think hold onto might realised point people life leave come go constant life back matter end day keeping mind take care proactive towards seeking friendship human connection whenever possible human social creature emotional connection literally save saved least sorry whatever situation facing right know power improve point thing either improve worsen amazing choice feeling isolated suffering right
My relationship with Instagram.,"My relationship with Instagram is complicated. While I do see it as a good way to promote certain things like my amateur photography for example, I also feel like it’s repetitive to an extent. I feel like whenever I go on there, it’s mostly the same old kinds of posts. Gym selfies, selfies in general, people who brag about their rich lifestyles, the list goes on and on. Witnessing those kinds of posts over and over just ain’t good for my social anxiety and depression. Does anyone else feel the same way?",mkh4990,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feg8st/my_relationship_with_instagram/,relationship instagram complicated see good way promote certain thing like amateur photography example also feel like repetitive extent feel like whenever go mostly old kind post gym selfies selfies general people brag rich lifestyle list go witnessing kind post good social anxiety depression doe anyone else feel way,relationship instagram,kh 4990,508,31,kh 4990 relationship instagram complicated see good way promote certain thing like amateur photography example also feel like repetitive extent feel like whenever go mostly old kind post gym selfies selfies general people brag rich lifestyle list go witnessing kind post good social anxiety depression doe anyone else feel way relationship instagram
"When you lose the will to live, you got a big fucking problem","No longer have any passion for my interests, or even any passion for life tbh. Im lonely af, feel worthless and hopeless. I dont want to kill myself though my mind tells me i do. But id much rather be happy, thrive and prosper. Its strange for sure. I'd like to say im a hard worker, im intuitive and a problem solver. There's things i aspire to do, and know im phyiscally and mentally capable of doing in one part of my mind. 

The other part that's always lurking is telling me im a worthless piece of shit and cant do anything and that even if i was successful still nobody would care so whats the point. Recently ive been losing the battle with that other part, and when my mind tries to rationalise my life situation (which isnt even that bad) and thoughts, the conclusion it comes to, is self termination. Sometimes i get too overwhelmed by it and imagine having a gun and pointing it under my chin. I pull the trigger and imagine it all going away almost instantly. It doesnt make me feel better as i do it in moments i might have legit pull the trigger in the heat of the moment. It makes the real me glad i dont have a gun (i live in uk so i cant really get one all that easily anyway).

Edit: I'm feeling calmer now, my demons have been but to bed until tomorrow (i hope). Just want to add, most of the things that my mind perceives as major fucking problems like having no friends or girfriend can be overcome, its not a terminal illness, even if my mind wants me to see it that way. I say this to people a lot but i believe it, with a healthy mind there isnt much a human cant overcome. Look at tyson fury, he was a pork pie with the jelly around it, he was a coke addict. And by getting help with his mental health hes now heavy weight champion of the world. Then people like caroline flack (sorry if i misspelled) got herself in a pretty bad sitaution, and her mental health issues made it seem 1000x worse to her. With a healthy mind she could have gone to court and taken her punishment, and dealt with the repercussions. It would have been hard as heck and taken a toll on her for sure. But it could have been done.

Wanting to die or kill yourself is not a rational thought. Theres nothing rational at all about poor mental health. I think it has helped me a lot understanding the science a lil bit. Just the fact that these chemical imbalances can fuck us up in so many ways. Thinking about that definitely helps bring perspective.",HelloThere2818,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe39an/when_you_lose_the_will_to_live_you_got_a_big/,longer passion interest even passion life tbh im lonely af feel worthless hopeless dont want kill though mind tell id much rather happy thrive prosper strange sure like say im hard worker im intuitive problem solver thing aspire know im phyiscally mentally capable one part mind part always lurking telling im worthless piece shit cant anything even wa successful still nobody would care whats point recently ive losing battle part mind try rationalise life situation isnt even bad thought conclusion come self termination sometimes get overwhelmed imagine gun pointing chin pull trigger imagine going away almost instantly doesnt make feel better moment might legit pull trigger heat moment make real glad dont gun live uk cant really get one easily anyway edit feeling calmer demon bed tomorrow hope want add thing mind perceives major fucking problem like friend girfriend overcome terminal illness even mind want see way say people lot believe healthy mind isnt much human cant overcome look tyson fury wa pork pie jelly around wa coke addict getting help mental health heavy weight champion world people like caroline flack sorry misspelled got pretty bad sitaution mental health issue made seem 1000x worse healthy mind could gone court taken punishment dealt repercussion would hard heck taken toll sure could done wanting die kill rational thought nothing rational poor mental health think ha helped lot understanding science lil bit fact chemical imbalance fuck u many way thinking definitely help bring perspective,lose live got big fucking problem,hello 2818,2450,61,hello 2818 longer passion interest even passion life tbh im lonely af feel worthless hopeless dont want kill though mind tell id much rather happy thrive prosper strange sure like say im hard worker im intuitive problem solver thing aspire know im phyiscally mentally capable one part mind part always lurking telling im worthless piece shit cant anything even wa successful still nobody would care whats point recently ive losing battle part mind try rationalise life situation isnt even bad thought conclusion come self termination sometimes get overwhelmed imagine gun pointing chin pull trigger imagine going away almost instantly doesnt make feel better moment might legit pull trigger heat moment make real glad dont gun live uk cant really get one easily anyway edit feeling calmer demon bed tomorrow hope want add thing mind perceives major fucking problem like friend girfriend overcome terminal illness even mind want see way say people lot believe healthy mind isnt much human cant overcome look tyson fury wa pork pie jelly around wa coke addict getting help mental health heavy weight champion world people like caroline flack sorry misspelled got pretty bad sitaution mental health issue made seem 1000x worse healthy mind could gone court taken punishment dealt repercussion would hard heck taken toll sure could done wanting die kill rational thought nothing rational poor mental health think ha helped lot understanding science lil bit fact chemical imbalance fuck u many way thinking definitely help bring perspective lose live got big fucking problem
One of my friends died. And I don't know what to do.,"I got the news that one of my mates I went to school with when I was studying abroad recently passed and I can't quite process it. I can't say I was close to him but it's just I've never had a friend die. I am close with someone who was close to him and she seems devastated. It feels weird, feels weird to say he has passed. I'm confused and shocked. Idk",itwasatalldresser,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feg5hx/one_of_my_friends_died_and_i_dont_know_what_to_do/,got news one mate went school wa studying abroad recently passed quite process say wa close never friend die close someone wa close seems devastated feel weird feel weird say ha passed confused shocked idk,one friend died know,wa dresser,355,52,wa dresser got news one mate went school wa studying abroad recently passed quite process say wa close never friend die close someone wa close seems devastated feel weird feel weird say ha passed confused shocked idk one friend died know
In need of a bit of direction,"I'm going through... well alot. Over the past few months. I dont even know where to begin. I've spoken with the suicide hotline previously (great resource, do not EVER hesitate to phone them if you even think for a second it would help), but this feels different. I havent seen my kids in months, I'm introverted as fuck so I've never made any real friends, but I just need to finally chat with someone. What can I do?",gm_91,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feg3jq/in_need_of_a_bit_of_direction/,going well alot past month dont even know begin spoken suicide hotline previously great resource ever hesitate phone even think second would help feel different havent seen kid month introverted fuck never made real friend need finally chat someone,need bit direction,gm 91,418,29,gm 91 going well alot past month dont even know begin spoken suicide hotline previously great resource ever hesitate phone even think second would help feel different havent seen kid month introverted fuck never made real friend need finally chat someone need bit direction
"I don't have depression. but I need advice, I tried to post in so many Sub Reddits but it keeps deleting","Hey, I'm in a 14 year old female (9th grade), and right now I'm in a low point in my life ( no I am not one of those im14andthisisdeep girls haha). At the moment I really don't want to discuss everything yet, but there is this one situation I do.

ALSO please mind that I am bad at expressing myself, so this may sound repetitive.

I'll try to list everything...

My friend group consists of around 9 people (I think, it keeps adding up, and I'll explain later). There is this girl in my ""friend group"" (can't really say 'friends"" because I am not really close to them) who keeps avoiding me. She started to avoid me around the start of the school year. She started show her dislike around me when my friends were talking jokingly, (I can't recall properly, sorry) that if they were not going to receive any flowers in Valentines Day, hence saying some people in my friend group do, they would group up and watch a movie together. I was curious, so I asked something related to it (sorry, can't remember exactly :(, I think I said something like ""Oh! What movie?"" or ""When?"" (like when would this event take place) ). She then rudely replies with ""Who are YOU!?"". This other girl from my friend group just stared at me (Not in a rude way, but in a way I can't read her expression) I was kind of hurt then.

This behaviour kept continuing. Around a few days later, I went to the spot where my friends sat, and sat next to the girl who apparently dislikes me. She IMMEDIATELY stood up and rushed (no kidding, she ran away from me) to the opposite side, and sat there. I just blankly stared at her, again hurt the frick for me. The group stayed silent, then same girl who looked at me then said ""Oh, I know why"".

Because of this, I was in a shit mood. The shittiest mood I've been compared to the whole day. I was walking to my HSIE class (where 2 of my other ""friends"" were in). I asked one of them, (for her privacy, I'll call her ""Sally"") why (let's call her Fiona) keeps avoiding me. Sally replies saying I said something to Fiona *A FEW MONTHS AGO* that pissed her off. Sally then tells me to not worry, and that Fiona is a *""petty person""* . (Honestly, I thought okay, wtf? I actually was actually tearing up a bit due to sadness, not to the extent of crying though)

Timeskip to a few days, (with Fiona going to the opposite side of the friend circle *As AlWaYs!1!,* and with me now, I try no to be near her, but even being the slight nearest, she goes even further away). I asked someone who was friends/close to Fiona while going out of my commerce class to the next period. I explained the situation to her (*whilst clinging to the edge of the wall like that Yandere girl from Yandere simulator because I am awkward af, seriously*). She also responds to something similar. She said Fiano used to act up like that to her and I just need to get used to it. (I was tearing up AgAin (not to the extend to cry) \*le fucking sigh\*). She then adds ""Oh, you don't like it?"". She then says something similar that Sally said before ""She is just petty"" (ugh so tired of hearing that word from everyone).

Timeskip\~\~

She keeps avoiding me, not sitting next to me. Recently I was going to the bathroom with another girl, whilst walking back to class, Fiona responds ""Hey -name-"" and ignores me (wow, how nice...). When I talk, she glares at me. And more, more, MORE negative reactions to me.

Today, I had HSIE class after lunch. I was 'complaining' (not in an annoying way) about how boring it was. And then fucking Piano responds with ""Maybe if you had friends"".

I pause, literally a flash of emotions hit me: hurtfulness, pain, frustration, anger, you name it. I had just enough with her play and said something around (maybe I should of responded differently, more direct? and not nicely?) ""Why do you hate me, whatever you did, just tell me, I will say sorry"" and blah blah blah. (Sorry, I only started to notice I was too kind this year, and that it lead to me being hurt, and people taking the advantage to go on top of me (yeah, there are a few girls, again? why would you hate me?, who dislike me. I won't talk about it because this thread would be WAYYY too long) ).

Fiona then replies with ""Nothing/No you did nothing wrong. \*I just hate you."" .\*I was spreading in a bad mood. Bad morning, had a maths test, didn't sleep because I was staying up studying and also extremely VERY stressed!

The group went silent, stopped talking. I had enough, I don't want to be apart of the group (explain later). I don't want to be near HER. I. fucking.had.enough. I abruptly left the group (sorry, should've mentioned earlier, but I do that more and more often when she does something shitty to me) and walked around, staring at happy (I mean I don't really know) people with their friends, fake smiling.(ugh for some reason I approached some closely just to stare at them.

Ugh fucking amazing life.

Also I will talk about my friends now.

They weren't a fixed group, especially around 8th grade. You know when there is a new student, and the teacher would just ~~force~~ put them in your group? Well, welcome to mine!

Anyways, my group is basically where new people come. There has been 1 from 8th grade (never met her before) and an old friend who came back(left). There would be another girl who would hang out in my group and another one (that one more now). This year, 9th grade, already on our 6th week, 2 girls were introduced (I don't even remember their names).

There are certain things that creates a friend group. For example, if you like books, you stay with bookworms (the ""bookworm group""). Because of this (tho, nothing like that made me feel close to my friends), my friends group isn't so closely connected to one another. Like lunch is so fucking boring now. When was the last time I had fun during recess or lunch?(Note\_ 4 out of 5 days I have school meetings on lunch, just SRC things!) Now people just eat due to boredom, and half of them go on their phones. No (little) interactions created. I am quiet, but not the most quiet in the group, now I am. When they talk, they laugh, I don't.

But seriously, I never felt close to my friends, they would go to parties, parks, movies with each other, where am I? at home. They had photos posted on instagram one time of them in a party. They tagged each other, not including ME (only one, thanks. Btw not close to her though). They printed photo cards of those pictures and shared them to each other as memory (some are on their phone case). One picture was the korean hand heart (that saranghaeyo thingy) they made together as a circle. (Wow, like that didn't;t hurt)

Im not close to them, I feel lonely being around them, and I have no one to talk to, no one to trust. Where do I go now? How do I make friends? Because of this, I've reached out bout my loneliness online (in a few different platforms) to talk to. It's nicer to talk to someone online though.. They don't know me and keep this secret...

Sorry, this was longer than I thought. There is more I want to talk about (I never thought something that I thought was small would end up being this long). I may post some more in the future.

If there is something you want me to elaborate on, please feel free to ask! (But I won't respond if it is too personal hehe). I need someone to talk to...",cheesiemilk,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febpwr/i_dont_have_depression_but_i_need_advice_i_tried/,hey 14 year old female 9th grade right low point life one im14andthisisdeep girl haha moment really want discus everything yet one situation also please mind bad expressing may sound repetitive try list everything friend group consists around 9 people think keep adding explain later girl friend group really say friend really close keep avoiding started avoid around start school year started show dislike around friend talking jokingly recall properly sorry going receive flower valentine day hence saying people friend group would group watch movie together wa curious asked something related sorry remember exactly think said something like oh movie like would event take place rudely reply girl friend group stared rude way way read expression wa kind hurt behaviour kept continuing around day later went spot friend sat sat next girl apparently dislike immediately stood rushed kidding ran away opposite side sat blankly stared hurt frick group stayed silent girl looked said oh know wa shit mood shittiest mood compared whole day wa walking hsie class 2 friend asked one privacy call sally let call fiona keep avoiding sally reply saying said something fiona month ago pissed sally tell worry fiona petty person honestly thought okay wtf actually wa actually tearing bit due sadness extent cry though timeskip day fiona going opposite side friend circle always 1 try near even slight nearest go even away asked someone wa friend close fiona going commerce class next period explained situation whilst clinging edge wall like yandere girl yandere simulator awkward af seriously also responds something similar said fiano used act like need get used wa tearing extend cry le fucking sigh add oh like say something similar sally said petty ugh tired hearing word everyone timeskip keep avoiding sitting next recently wa going bathroom another girl whilst walking back class fiona responds hey name ignores wow nice talk glare negative reaction today hsie class lunch wa complaining annoying way boring wa fucking piano responds maybe friend pause literally flash emotion hit hurtfulness pain frustration anger name enough play said something around maybe responded differently direct nicely hate whatever tell say sorry blah blah blah sorry started notice wa kind year lead hurt people taking advantage go top yeah girl would hate dislike talk thread would wayyy long fiona reply nothing nothing wrong hate wa spreading bad mood bad morning math test sleep wa staying studying also extremely stressed group went silent stopped talking enough want apart group explain later want near fucking enough abruptly left group sorry mentioned earlier often doe something shitty walked around staring happy mean really know people friend fake smiling ugh reason approached closely stare ugh fucking amazing life also talk friend fixed group especially around 8th grade know new student teacher would force put group well welcome mine anyways group basically new people come ha 1 8th grade never met old friend came back left would another girl would hang group another one one year 9th grade already 6th week 2 girl introduced even remember name certain thing creates friend group example like book stay bookworm bookworm group tho nothing like made feel close friend friend group closely connected one another like lunch fucking boring wa last time fun recess lunch note _ 4 5 day school meeting lunch src thing people eat due boredom half go phone little interaction created quiet quiet group talk laugh seriously never felt close friend would go party park movie home photo posted instagram one time party tagged including one thanks btw close though printed photo card picture shared memory phone case one picture wa korean hand heart saranghaeyo thingy made together circle wow like hurt im close feel lonely around one talk one trust go make friend reached bout loneliness online different platform talk nicer talk someone online though know keep secret sorry wa longer thought want talk never thought something thought wa small would end long may post future something want elaborate please feel free ask respond personal hehe need someone talk,depression need advice tried post many sub reddits keep deleting,chee sie milk,7327,104,chee sie milk hey 14 year old female 9th grade right low point life one im14andthisisdeep girl haha moment really want discus everything yet one situation also please mind bad expressing may sound repetitive try list everything friend group consists around 9 people think keep adding explain later girl friend group really say friend really close keep avoiding started avoid around start school year started show dislike around friend talking jokingly recall properly sorry going receive flower valentine day hence saying people friend group would group watch movie together wa curious asked something related sorry remember exactly think said something like oh movie like would event take place rudely reply girl friend group stared rude way way read expression wa kind hurt behaviour kept continuing around day later went spot friend sat sat next girl apparently dislike immediately stood rushed kidding ran away opposite side sat blankly stared hurt frick group stayed silent girl looked said oh know wa shit mood shittiest mood compared whole day wa walking hsie class 2 friend asked one privacy call sally let call fiona keep avoiding sally reply saying said something fiona month ago pissed sally tell worry fiona petty person honestly thought okay wtf actually wa actually tearing bit due sadness extent cry though timeskip day fiona going opposite side friend circle always 1 try near even slight nearest go even away asked someone wa friend close fiona going commerce class next period explained situation whilst clinging edge wall like yandere girl yandere simulator awkward af seriously also responds something similar said fiano used act like need get used wa tearing extend cry le fucking sigh add oh like say something similar sally said petty ugh tired hearing word everyone timeskip keep avoiding sitting next recently wa going bathroom another girl whilst walking back class fiona responds hey name ignores wow nice talk glare negative reaction today hsie class lunch wa complaining annoying way boring wa fucking piano responds maybe friend pause literally flash emotion hit hurtfulness pain frustration anger name enough play said something around maybe responded differently direct nicely hate whatever tell say sorry blah blah blah sorry started notice wa kind year lead hurt people taking advantage go top yeah girl would hate dislike talk thread would wayyy long fiona reply nothing nothing wrong hate wa spreading bad mood bad morning math test sleep wa staying studying also extremely stressed group went silent stopped talking enough want apart group explain later want near fucking enough abruptly left group sorry mentioned earlier often doe something shitty walked around staring happy mean really know people friend fake smiling ugh reason approached closely stare ugh fucking amazing life also talk friend fixed group especially around 8th grade know new student teacher would force put group well welcome mine anyways group basically new people come ha 1 8th grade never met old friend came back left would another girl would hang group another one one year 9th grade already 6th week 2 girl introduced even remember name certain thing creates friend group example like book stay bookworm bookworm group tho nothing like made feel close friend friend group closely connected one another like lunch fucking boring wa last time fun recess lunch note _ 4 5 day school meeting lunch src thing people eat due boredom half go phone little interaction created quiet quiet group talk laugh seriously never felt close friend would go party park movie home photo posted instagram one time party tagged including one thanks btw close though printed photo card picture shared memory phone case one picture wa korean hand heart saranghaeyo thingy made together circle wow like hurt im close feel lonely around one talk one trust go make friend reached bout loneliness online different platform talk nicer talk someone online though know keep secret sorry wa longer thought want talk never thought something thought wa small would end long may post future something want elaborate please feel free ask respond personal hehe need someone talk depression need advice tried post many sub reddits keep deleting
i dated a girl and she stole shit from me and it makes me cynical,"we worked together for like 8 months so we knew each other prior. went on like 5 dates, saw each other a few times outside of that. i left $20 in her apartment because i didn't want to wake her up and ask if it was hers, and gave her my hoodie at her work because she was cold

now i'm not getting any of that back. it really sucks. i shouldn't trust people that way. i hate the world honestlh",bsbxbbrbe,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feg279/i_dated_a_girl_and_she_stole_shit_from_me_and_it/,worked together like 8 month knew prior went like 5 date saw time outside left 20 apartment want wake ask wa gave hoodie work wa cold getting back really suck trust people way hate world honestlh,dated girl stole shit make cynical,bsb xb br,393,65,bsb xb br worked together like 8 month knew prior went like 5 date saw time outside left 20 apartment want wake ask wa gave hoodie work wa cold getting back really suck trust people way hate world honestlh dated girl stole shit make cynical
I have become numb again,"I thought my depression had lessened because i was feeling things again, but i have been sober for 2 months now and i think it was probably just the alcohol, because i don’t feel like i have been becoming a lot more numb lately, not being sad feels good at least but i think a lot of the happiness has gone with it, i feel so bored.",quaze218,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feauao/i_have_become_numb_again/,thought depression lessened wa feeling thing sober 2 month think wa probably alcohol feel like becoming lot numb lately sad feel good least think lot happiness ha gone feel bored,become numb,qua ze 218,332,24,qua ze 218 thought depression lessened wa feeling thing sober 2 month think wa probably alcohol feel like becoming lot numb lately sad feel good least think lot happiness ha gone feel bored become numb
I think this is my final straw and I am scared,"Warning: this is VERY long. I'm not sure what the purpose of it really is but just wanting to put this out there in the world. Maybe I'll get some advice, maybe someone will read it and realize they are not alone.

I’ve started writing this so many times and lost motivation half way through. This is yet another attempt, let’s see what happens.

I’m a 30 year old woman, I work as a photographer for a fashion company with a degree in Graphic Design, volunteer at a cat rescue 2 days a week, and suffer from depression and social/general anxiety disorder.

I first realized my teen angst wasn’t just a “phase” sometime in my early 20’s. As a teenager I would do the normal things: drink, do drugs, smoke weed. I would also write a lot but this writing, in hindsight, was some of the deepest cries for help. I’ve since lost that precious notebook, but I did come upon snippets of that “poetry” in my other sketchbooks. The stuff wasn’t anything out of the ordinary - I grew up listening to emo and other such heart wrenching music - and the style was really just lyrics trying to artistically describe the dark cloud that was inside of me every minute of every day. I lost interest in that activity around the age of 20.

I was always a shy person. I played with friends during school, but I was never allowed to have anyone over or go to anyone’s house. As a result, I was always found by myself in the yard skipping rope alone. My parents brought me to Canada when I was 9 years old in order to expand my options for education. I was born in Russia where there wasn’t much choice at the time to do anything with your life other than engineering, medicine or teaching. In that aspect, I thank them. I was able to attend an art school in Toronto and attain my Graphic Design degree which my anxious artistic brain appreciates.

When I arrived in Canada I didn’t speak much English and was in an ESL program. In that first year, 4th grade, I was bullied for not speaking the language. Some girls quickly realized that it would be fun to put rocks (the little pebbles from the playground) down my pants while we had “carpet time” (when all the kids gather around crossed legged on the floor in front of the teacher during a lesson.) They knew I wouldn’t say anything, partly because I couldn’t physically, partly because I couldn’t mentally. Kids would kick my chair constantly as they walked by, someone even throw things at me from the back. I brushed it off, went on with it. I did have two great friends (one of which is still in my life albeit we aren’t close.)

This childish bullying subsided after the first year. I went off to another school in grade 5 after moving buildings with my parents. 6th grade was split. It was yet another school (moving from elementary to middle school) and then half way through 6th grade, after establishing quite a solid group of new friends, I was transferred to a new school after yet another move by my parents. I had to start over with the friend thing and luckily I befriended a girl right away. She was also an outcast, being extremely tiny and skinny for her age and also didn’t fit in with the “cool popular kids.” Here I was laughed and looked down upon for being new, having 1 friend, and being so extremely shy. After a while I became close with another girl, let’s call her Jessica. 7th grade went by bearably with her around, outside minor incidents like having the basketball thrown at my head during recess. I was also developing extremely bad acne, so I was doomed to be the ugly shy girl for the next few years.

Ending of 8th grade is where the real trouble started with Jessica. She had an “in” with the cooler kids in the grade and being so attached to her, I got to hang out with the group occasionally. This is where we started “relationships” with two boys. She was with lets call him Andrew and I was with let’s call him Mike. We would hang out after school a lot and one day I brought them all over to my house. Mike took me down to my parent’s cellar at one point and where I thought I would have my first kiss, my hands were forced down onto his penis. I didn’t know how to retaliate so I went with it. Instead of a first kiss, I gave my first hand job. The next time we hung out was at the movies. I was brought to the bathroom for what I thought was a make out session but turned out to be an attempt at a blow job. I can’t remember whether I went through with it, I just remember crying that evening. I soon found out that Andrew and Mike had a bet going of who would get their dick sucked first and Jessica agreed to bring me into the group so they could use me for that bet. These things bled into high school. The rumours started that I was a slut and were reinforced with photos being distributed throughout the school. The photos were of me wearing see through mesh pants in provocative poses that Jessica took of me in her room one night when we were having a fun “fashion” night. She wore them too, although somehow the photos of her never got distributed. 

Finally a new girl came to the school lets call her Beth and finally things seemed to calm down. We had a great friendship going and were inseparable during high school (to the point where people were calling us lesbians.) I even attended her wedding two years ago, she’s a beautiful human being. I tried my best to have a normal life. I threw myself into art. I would come to school at 7 in the morning so spend time in the photography dark room lab. I got great marks in my classes and my teachers loved me. Of course throughout this time I did the regular teenage girl stuff. I liked boys, I would make out with them. I was already well trained in the hand job department so guys learned to hand me over to their friends once they were done with me. I just did it. It made them happy. And in my mind, that made me good at it. Why not do the thing that I felt I excelled at? Of course none of that behaviour helped the growing rumours. 

I first tried drugs in 10th grade. Beth and I would skip school, pop ecstasy, spend the day together. This went on for about a year in the 11th grade where my marks drastically plummeted. I’m not sure what the triggering factor for me to stop was, but I managed to graduate high school on the honour roll. At the end of 12th grade I met lets call him Sam. We dated for 2 years, I lost my virginity to him, but I will always remember doubting his intentions. Did he stay with me for the sex? Did he only want me around because I would smoke weed with him? It didn’t matter. I lost romantic interest in him after a year but stayed together despite us fighting because it was comfortable and a habit I just didn’t want to, or couldn’t break.

I got into my top school of choice and spent the first year working hard. After my break up with Sam, I met lets call him Dale. It was interesting at first. He would show up at my work almost daily and chat and finally we started going on real dates. He brought me gifts and showered with me with attention. I now realize that it was borderline stalker behaviour. He wouldn’t take no for an answer even if I didn’t really feel like doing anything. The thing with Dale is kind of an on and off ordeal. We were never fully together but would hang out often usually drinking or going on drives. I was starting to get really put off by him, but one night he insisted on hanging out. As you well know by now, I have trouble saying no. So we went to the bar, got a buzz going and then went driving. (I know how shameful it is to drink and I drive. I know first hand because I almost killed my friend during a drunk driving episode. I haven’t done it since and will never do it again.) We were in the car and I was completely insistent that this was a non sexual meet up. But he wouldn’t stop trying to kiss me, to push my hands on to his crotch, then pushing my head down, asking me to just suck it a little. I did it just to make him shut up so I could go home. I haven’t seem him since them. I refused to talk to him and eventually had to block him. To this day he tries to make attempts at communication but nothing dangerous. 

The truly destructive behaviour started around 22 when I began to frequent parties. At first it was drinking, and a lot of it. Then I met a 28 year old man lets call him Izack. He was a DJ and very much into the rave party scene. It was with him when I tried coke for the first time at the age of 23 or 24. Lets just call the rest a blur. I would party twice a week, heavily on drugs, go to school completely hung over. Long story short, I just managed to graduate, scraping by with a warning letter and passing marks given to me probably only out of the kindness of my professor’s heart. I loved Izack. He was older, had more experience, best sex I’ve ever had and he made me forget everything and everyone. He lived downtown in an apartment with two other roommates who also loved to party and we all got along quite well. The sanctuary of that apartment was heavenly. I would be able to spend all my time there away from my strict Russian parents. Then Izack started going on the road a lot more due to his DJ career flourishing. When he was away, I would come to his place and clean everything. I bought him a huge new TV for his room. I wanted him to come home to a beautiful place. In my mind that was me saying thank you for letting me stay with him rent free for so many days of the week. 

About a year into our relationship, I went for a gynaecologist check up which was followed by a phone call saying that I have an STD. They told me to get myself and my partner into the office so we could be given medication. It was nothing overly serious, cleared up with a few pills but I had to have a serious conversation with Izack. He swore on his life that he never cheated on me. He begged me to believe him which after hours upon hours of me crying and pleading, I finally did. But I never got over the nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. So after a month of uncertainty, over the phone on my birthday (I remember that day so clearly), I asked him one more time. I’m not sure what made him tell me truth this time around, but yes, of course he slept with someone on tour and yes that is how I contracted the STD.

I was a complete and utter wreck for the next few months. The drugs and alcohol increased. I went on Tinder and began my first sex binge. At one point I managed to sleep with 6 different men in one week. All I wanted to do was to forget the hurt and I didn’t know how. Again, all of this is very blurry so I can’t say the exact moment that Izack came back into my life but he did. I remember going to a bar to meet him to get closure, to finally say I forgive him and that I’m moving on. That meeting ended up with me in his apartment and sex. We then got “back together”, continued the destructive behaviour until his next tour where he slept with someone again. I let that one go easily since we never stated that we were officially a couple again. I think this is where I learned how to numb my brain from hurt. I wasn’t mad at him anymore, I just quietly walked away and threw myself into my second huge sex binge on Tinder. After a few months of this, I met a guy lets call him Jon. 

We dated for something close to a year. This relationship was also fuelled by alcohol, drugs and parties. But at this point I didn’t want another life. The relationship involved me crying almost every day at work with something abusive he may have said to me that day. For example, he loved to make me feel like an idiot for asking him why it took him hours to answer a text massage. I was told I was crazy on an almost daily basis. I will fast forward to the end, where a girl (who is now a friend) reached out to me saying that she was also dating Jon, for 6 months now. She spotted us at a party kissing, and lost her mind. Apparently she had no knowledge of me for the long while they were together. It turns out, that we weren’t the only ones. I came to the knowledge that he had slept with 8 different people during the span of being with me. This included his upstairs neighbour who I was constantly told not to worry about. 

I laughed at this. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel angry, I laughed, pulled out my phone and on to the next Tinder binge I went.

It took me about 6 months to get into my next relationship. This one was with a kind man who would never do a thing to hurt me. It lasted for about 2 years. I met his parents and he met mine. We were talking about marriage and moving in together but it ended up falling apart during our search for an apartment. We just weren’t right for each other.

So this is where I am now. 30 years old, living back with my parents. I have since stopped the partying because that life doesn’t satisfy me anymore and my body can’t handle it. I have been coke free for about a year now mainly because I can’t afford it. But I drink. I drink several times a week because I can’t stand my job. I drink because I feel trapped in my own mind. I drink because of my living situation. I drink because nothing I do excites me. I drink about 3 times a week and once I crack a bottle of wine, there is no way I can stop. That bottle is getting drunk to the last drop and more often than not, a second one gets opened and lasts about half way until I pass out. 

The job thing - realized I’m the only one who can help myself there so I have been taking lots of photos and editing them in an effort to update my portfolio but sitting down and editing those photos sober just isn’t an option. I go to work, I laugh with my coworkers, but at the end of the day, the only thing that makes me happy and that I took forward to is that next drink. I started exercising and have been continuing to do so pretty consistently but I always fall off the boat because I can’t stay excited and motivated. 

Last night I came home to my collection of wine bottles all out and displayed in front of me by my dad. My mom discovered the first bottle in my closet when she couldn’t find my cat, or so she says. She then proceeded to go through every crevice of my room and pulled out the 20 or so I had hidden. Long story short, my life of drinking after work and during my own photo editing hours is over and I am terrified. I feel like I have nothing happy to come home to. I spent all last night crying and today is the first day I didn’t show up to work because of this. The thing is - I don’t know if I want to stop. I’ve had thoughts of suicide since my early teenage years and they have never gone away. I’ve cut myself on numerous occasions. I have dabbled with the idea of overdosing on my anxiety and depression medication. I did go into therapy for a few months but that turned out way too pricey for my minimal salary. My dad has offered to pay for my therapy last night, but this is an offer I’m not sure I want to take. I just want it to be over. The only times things are okay in my brain is when I am sleeping, or when I am heavily buzzed. I don’t have children, nor a boyfriend and I have maybe 2 friends, so I’m finding it difficult to see a purpose to go on. 

I would like to finish by saying how awful I feel about putting this out there. The amount of times the word “I” is used is upsetting and selfish since I know there are people out there who have it way worse than me. Like my parents have pointed out numerous times, I have nothing to be sad about. I have a good job, a warm house, food and water. I have a car that my dad so kindly gave to me when he bought himself a new one. And they are right. I have it so good. But inside, that dark cloud just won’t lift and there is no way I can describe it in words to someone who hasn’t felt the pull of it.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart to anyone who read this fully, attempted to read it, or even glanced at it. I am very scared and for some reason the only thing I thought of this morning was writing this.",Throwawayuser68534,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefuh9/i_think_this_is_my_final_straw_and_i_am_scared/,warning long sure purpose really wanting put world maybe get advice maybe someone read realize alone started writing many time lost motivation half way yet another attempt let see happens 30 year old woman work photographer fashion company degree graphic design volunteer cat rescue 2 day week suffer depression social general anxiety disorder first realized teen angst phase sometime early 20 teenager would normal thing drink drug smoke weed would also write lot writing hindsight wa deepest cry help since lost precious notebook come upon snippet poetry sketchbook stuff anything ordinary grew listening emo heart wrenching music style wa really lyric trying artistically describe dark cloud wa inside every minute every day lost interest activity around age 20 wa always shy person played friend school wa never allowed anyone go anyone house result wa always found yard skipping rope alone parent brought canada wa 9 year old order expand option education wa born russia much choice time anything life engineering medicine teaching aspect thank wa able attend art school toronto attain graphic design degree anxious artistic brain appreciates arrived canada speak much english wa esl program first year 4th grade wa bullied speaking language girl quickly realized would fun put rock little pebble playground pant carpet time kid gather around crossed legged floor front teacher lesson knew say anything partly physically partly mentally kid would kick chair constantly walked someone even throw thing back brushed went two great friend one still life albeit close childish bullying subsided first year went another school grade 5 moving building parent 6th grade wa split wa yet another school moving elementary middle school half way 6th grade establishing quite solid group new friend wa transferred new school yet another move parent start friend thing luckily befriended girl right away wa also outcast extremely tiny skinny age also fit cool popular kid wa laughed looked upon new 1 friend extremely shy became close another girl let call jessica 7th grade went bearably around outside minor incident like basketball thrown head recess wa also developing extremely bad acne wa doomed ugly shy girl next year ending 8th grade real trouble started jessica cooler kid grade attached got hang group occasionally started relationship two boy wa let call andrew wa let call mike would hang school lot one day brought house mike took parent cellar one point thought would first kiss hand forced onto penis know retaliate went instead first kiss gave first hand job next time hung wa movie wa brought bathroom thought wa make session turned attempt blow job remember whether went remember cry evening soon found andrew mike bet going would get dick sucked first jessica agreed bring group could use bet thing bled high school rumour started wa slut reinforced photo distributed throughout school photo wearing see mesh pant provocative pose jessica took room one night fun fashion night wore although somehow photo never got distributed finally new girl came school let call beth finally thing seemed calm great friendship going inseparable high school point people calling u lesbian even attended wedding two year ago beautiful human tried best normal life threw art would come school 7 morning spend time photography dark room lab got great mark class teacher loved course throughout time regular teenage girl stuff liked boy would make wa already well trained hand job department guy learned hand friend done made happy mind made good thing felt excelled course none behaviour helped growing rumour first tried drug 10th grade beth would skip school pop ecstasy spend day together went year 11th grade mark drastically plummeted sure triggering factor stop wa managed graduate high school honour roll end 12th grade met let call sam dated 2 year lost virginity always remember doubting intention stay sex want around would smoke weed matter lost romantic interest year stayed together despite u fighting wa comfortable habit want break got top school choice spent first year working hard break sam met let call dale wa interesting first would show work almost daily chat finally started going real date brought gift showered attention realize wa borderline stalker behaviour take answer even really feel like anything thing dale kind ordeal never fully together would hang often usually drinking going drive wa starting get really put one night insisted hanging well know trouble saying went bar got buzz going went driving know shameful drink drive know first hand almost killed friend drunk driving episode done since never car wa completely insistent wa non sexual meet stop trying kiss push hand crotch pushing head asking suck little make shut could go home seem since refused talk eventually block day try make attempt communication nothing dangerous truly destructive behaviour started around 22 began frequent party first wa drinking lot met 28 year old man let call izack wa dj much rave party scene wa tried coke first time age 23 24 let call rest blur would party twice week heavily drug go school completely hung long story short managed graduate scraping warning letter passing mark given probably kindness professor heart loved izack wa older experience best sex ever made forget everything everyone lived downtown apartment two roommate also loved party got along quite well sanctuary apartment wa heavenly would able spend time away strict russian parent izack started going road lot due dj career flourishing wa away would come place clean everything bought huge new tv room wanted come home beautiful place mind wa saying thank letting stay rent free many day week year relationship went gynaecologist check wa followed phone call saying std told get partner office could given medication wa nothing overly serious cleared pill serious conversation izack swore life never cheated begged believe hour upon hour cry pleading finally never got nagging feeling something right month uncertainty phone birthday remember day clearly asked one time sure made tell truth time around yes course slept someone tour yes contracted std wa complete utter wreck next month drug alcohol increased went tinder began first sex binge one point managed sleep 6 different men one week wanted wa forget hurt know blurry say exact moment izack came back life remember going bar meet get closure finally say forgive moving meeting ended apartment sex got back together continued destructive behaviour next tour slept someone let one go easily since never stated officially couple think learned numb brain hurt mad anymore quietly walked away threw second huge sex binge tinder month met guy let call jon dated something close year relationship wa also fuelled alcohol drug party point want another life relationship involved cry almost every day work something abusive may said day example loved make feel like idiot asking took hour answer text massage wa told wa crazy almost daily basis fast forward end girl friend reached saying wa also dating jon 6 month spotted u party kissing lost mind apparently knowledge long together turn one came knowledge slept 8 different people span included upstairs neighbour wa constantly told worry laughed cry feel angry laughed pulled phone next tinder binge went took 6 month get next relationship one wa kind man would never thing hurt lasted 2 year met parent met mine talking marriage moving together ended falling apart search apartment right 30 year old living back parent since stopped partying life satisfy anymore body handle coke free year mainly afford drink drink several time week stand job drink feel trapped mind drink living situation drink nothing excites drink 3 time week crack bottle wine way stop bottle getting drunk last drop often second one get opened last half way pas job thing realized one help taking lot photo editing effort update portfolio sitting editing photo sober option go work laugh coworkers end day thing make happy took forward next drink started exercising continuing pretty consistently always fall boat stay excited motivated last night came home collection wine bottle displayed front dad mom discovered first bottle closet find cat say proceeded go every crevice room pulled 20 hidden long story short life drinking work photo editing hour terrified feel like nothing happy come home spent last night cry today first day show work thing know want stop thought suicide since early teenage year never gone away cut numerous occasion dabbled idea overdosing anxiety depression medication go therapy month turned way pricey minimal salary dad ha offered pay therapy last night offer sure want take want time thing okay brain sleeping heavily buzzed child boyfriend maybe 2 friend finding difficult see purpose go would like finish saying awful feel putting amount time word used upsetting selfish since know people way worse like parent pointed numerous time nothing sad good job warm house food water car dad kindly gave bought new one right good inside dark cloud lift way describe word someone felt pull thank bottom heart anyone read fully attempted read even glanced scared reason thing thought morning wa writing,think final straw scared,throwaway user 68534,15968,46,throwaway user 68534 warning long sure purpose really wanting put world maybe get advice maybe someone read realize alone started writing many time lost motivation half way yet another attempt let see happens 30 year old woman work photographer fashion company degree graphic design volunteer cat rescue 2 day week suffer depression social general anxiety disorder first realized teen angst phase sometime early 20 teenager would normal thing drink drug smoke weed would also write lot writing hindsight wa deepest cry help since lost precious notebook come upon snippet poetry sketchbook stuff anything ordinary grew listening emo heart wrenching music style wa really lyric trying artistically describe dark cloud wa inside every minute every day lost interest activity around age 20 wa always shy person played friend school wa never allowed anyone go anyone house result wa always found yard skipping rope alone parent brought canada wa 9 year old order expand option education wa born russia much choice time anything life engineering medicine teaching aspect thank wa able attend art school toronto attain graphic design degree anxious artistic brain appreciates arrived canada speak much english wa esl program first year 4th grade wa bullied speaking language girl quickly realized would fun put rock little pebble playground pant carpet time kid gather around crossed legged floor front teacher lesson knew say anything partly physically partly mentally kid would kick chair constantly walked someone even throw thing back brushed went two great friend one still life albeit close childish bullying subsided first year went another school grade 5 moving building parent 6th grade wa split wa yet another school moving elementary middle school half way 6th grade establishing quite solid group new friend wa transferred new school yet another move parent start friend thing luckily befriended girl right away wa also outcast extremely tiny skinny age also fit cool popular kid wa laughed looked upon new 1 friend extremely shy became close another girl let call jessica 7th grade went bearably around outside minor incident like basketball thrown head recess wa also developing extremely bad acne wa doomed ugly shy girl next year ending 8th grade real trouble started jessica cooler kid grade attached got hang group occasionally started relationship two boy wa let call andrew wa let call mike would hang school lot one day brought house mike took parent cellar one point thought would first kiss hand forced onto penis know retaliate went instead first kiss gave first hand job next time hung wa movie wa brought bathroom thought wa make session turned attempt blow job remember whether went remember cry evening soon found andrew mike bet going would get dick sucked first jessica agreed bring group could use bet thing bled high school rumour started wa slut reinforced photo distributed throughout school photo wearing see mesh pant provocative pose jessica took room one night fun fashion night wore although somehow photo never got distributed finally new girl came school let call beth finally thing seemed calm great friendship going inseparable high school point people calling u lesbian even attended wedding two year ago beautiful human tried best normal life threw art would come school 7 morning spend time photography dark room lab got great mark class teacher loved course throughout time regular teenage girl stuff liked boy would make wa already well trained hand job department guy learned hand friend done made happy mind made good thing felt excelled course none behaviour helped growing rumour first tried drug 10th grade beth would skip school pop ecstasy spend day together went year 11th grade mark drastically plummeted sure triggering factor stop wa managed graduate high school honour roll end 12th grade met let call sam dated 2 year lost virginity always remember doubting intention stay sex want around would smoke weed matter lost romantic interest year stayed together despite u fighting wa comfortable habit want break got top school choice spent first year working hard break sam met let call dale wa interesting first would show work almost daily chat finally started going real date brought gift showered attention realize wa borderline stalker behaviour take answer even really feel like anything thing dale kind ordeal never fully together would hang often usually drinking going drive wa starting get really put one night insisted hanging well know trouble saying went bar got buzz going went driving know shameful drink drive know first hand almost killed friend drunk driving episode done since never car wa completely insistent wa non sexual meet stop trying kiss push hand crotch pushing head asking suck little make shut could go home seem since refused talk eventually block day try make attempt communication nothing dangerous truly destructive behaviour started around 22 began frequent party first wa drinking lot met 28 year old man let call izack wa dj much rave party scene wa tried coke first time age 23 24 let call rest blur would party twice week heavily drug go school completely hung long story short managed graduate scraping warning letter passing mark given probably kindness professor heart loved izack wa older experience best sex ever made forget everything everyone lived downtown apartment two roommate also loved party got along quite well sanctuary apartment wa heavenly would able spend time away strict russian parent izack started going road lot due dj career flourishing wa away would come place clean everything bought huge new tv room wanted come home beautiful place mind wa saying thank letting stay rent free many day week year relationship went gynaecologist check wa followed phone call saying std told get partner office could given medication wa nothing overly serious cleared pill serious conversation izack swore life never cheated begged believe hour upon hour cry pleading finally never got nagging feeling something right month uncertainty phone birthday remember day clearly asked one time sure made tell truth time around yes course slept someone tour yes contracted std wa complete utter wreck next month drug alcohol increased went tinder began first sex binge one point managed sleep 6 different men one week wanted wa forget hurt know blurry say exact moment izack came back life remember going bar meet get closure finally say forgive moving meeting ended apartment sex got back together continued destructive behaviour next tour slept someone let one go easily since never stated officially couple think learned numb brain hurt mad anymore quietly walked away threw second huge sex binge tinder month met guy let call jon dated something close year relationship wa also fuelled alcohol drug party point want another life relationship involved cry almost every day work something abusive may said day example loved make feel like idiot asking took hour answer text massage wa told wa crazy almost daily basis fast forward end girl friend reached saying wa also dating jon 6 month spotted u party kissing lost mind apparently knowledge long together turn one came knowledge slept 8 different people span included upstairs neighbour wa constantly told worry laughed cry feel angry laughed pulled phone next tinder binge went took 6 month get next relationship one wa kind man would never thing hurt lasted 2 year met parent met mine talking marriage moving together ended falling apart search apartment right 30 year old living back parent since stopped partying life satisfy anymore body handle coke free year mainly afford drink drink several time week stand job drink feel trapped mind drink living situation drink nothing excites drink 3 time week crack bottle wine way stop bottle getting drunk last drop often second one get opened last half way pas job thing realized one help taking lot photo editing effort update portfolio sitting editing photo sober option go work laugh coworkers end day thing make happy took forward next drink started exercising continuing pretty consistently always fall boat stay excited motivated last night came home collection wine bottle displayed front dad mom discovered first bottle closet find cat say proceeded go every crevice room pulled 20 hidden long story short life drinking work photo editing hour terrified feel like nothing happy come home spent last night cry today first day show work thing know want stop thought suicide since early teenage year never gone away cut numerous occasion dabbled idea overdosing anxiety depression medication go therapy month turned way pricey minimal salary dad ha offered pay therapy last night offer sure want take want time thing okay brain sleeping heavily buzzed child boyfriend maybe 2 friend finding difficult see purpose go would like finish saying awful feel putting amount time word used upsetting selfish since know people way worse like parent pointed numerous time nothing sad good job warm house food water car dad kindly gave bought new one right good inside dark cloud lift way describe word someone felt pull thank bottom heart anyone read fully attempted read even glanced scared reason thing thought morning wa writing think final straw scared
"I tried to offer my help, it was restricted....So i realised it is time to end my life...","As always, humanity controls what is does and doesn't want to see, my only purpose was to help people who was as broken as me....better people decided against that, so now all i can do is kill myself.

I really just want the best way to kill myself, either quickly or the least amount of pain.

There is no cure, no remedy, no amazing beach scene to help me....I just need to end this.....please...

​

​

Thankyou......",Big-Grizzly88,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fefu4a/i_tried_to_offer_my_help_it_was_restrictedso_i/,always humanity control doe want see purpose wa help people wa broken better people decided kill really want best way kill either quickly least amount pain cure remedy amazing beach scene help need end please amp x200b amp x200b thankyou,tried offer help wa restricted realised time end life,big grizzly 88,442,89,big grizzly 88 always humanity control doe want see purpose wa help people wa broken better people decided kill really want best way kill either quickly least amount pain cure remedy amazing beach scene help need end please amp x200b amp x200b thankyou tried offer help wa restricted realised time end life
I think I need to leave my partner of 10 years,"My Girlfriend and I have been together for ten years and I don't know what to do anymore. She suffers from depression, anxiety and severe OCD.

Over the last couple of years here anxiety has worsened and over the last few months it's just too much for me, we don't see anybody anymore, if we do she has a panic attack before it and i've ended up having to cancel plans. It's our nieces third birthday party tomorrow and we were supposed to be going to stay up at my parents for the weekend and she doesn't want go. Fair enough, but I have been seeing my family less and less because of her needing her weekends to herself.

She's not from here so has no family or friends here who aren't mine so she really feels like she has nobody else but I'm exhausted. I can ask her family and friends from back home to talk to her but she doesn't want me to tell anyone. She believes she is just in the way and makes everyone's life shit, I try and tell her it's not true but it's so deep rooted into her mind that she just think she'd be better off dead, she's threatened suicide before so I feel like if I leave her even for this weekend she would kill herself as it's not really a threat but just her mindset of thinking she's better off dead. Idk anymore, I really don't. I don't even know if this is just kme being an asshole i'm just lost and confused and tired. I still love her but she just doesn't care about life anymore.

She stopped taking medication about a year ago as she thought it was making it worse, I respected her wishes and tbh, sometimes it seemed fine but lately it's absolutely not fine and she refuses to go back on any form of medication. IDK please help, should I leave? I'm so worried about her but also worried about myself and just feel sick.",throwaway-213189,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fectbx/i_think_i_need_to_leave_my_partner_of_10_years/,girlfriend together ten year know anymore suffers depression anxiety severe ocd last couple year anxiety ha worsened last month much see anybody anymore ha panic attack ended cancel plan niece third birthday party tomorrow supposed going stay parent weekend want go fair enough seeing family le le needing weekend ha family friend mine really feel like ha nobody else exhausted ask family friend back home talk want tell anyone belief way make everyone life shit try tell true deep rooted mind think better dead threatened suicide feel like leave even weekend would kill really threat mindset thinking better dead idk anymore really even know kme asshole lost confused tired still love care life anymore stopped taking medication year ago thought wa making worse respected wish tbh sometimes seemed fine lately absolutely fine refuse go back form medication idk please help leave worried also worried feel sick,think need leave partner 10 year,throwaway 213189,1762,46,throwaway 213189 girlfriend together ten year know anymore suffers depression anxiety severe ocd last couple year anxiety ha worsened last month much see anybody anymore ha panic attack ended cancel plan niece third birthday party tomorrow supposed going stay parent weekend want go fair enough seeing family le le needing weekend ha family friend mine really feel like ha nobody else exhausted ask family friend back home talk want tell anyone belief way make everyone life shit try tell true deep rooted mind think better dead threatened suicide feel like leave even weekend would kill really threat mindset thinking better dead idk anymore really even know kme asshole lost confused tired still love care life anymore stopped taking medication year ago thought wa making worse respected wish tbh sometimes seemed fine lately absolutely fine refuse go back form medication idk please help leave worried also worried feel sick think need leave partner 10 year
I lost my youth to school,"I know that a lot of people say that they lost their younger years to anxiety and depression. There is no doubt that I've definitely lost a lot of years to those same things, but I feel like a large portion of my life has been wasted in school. 

Of course there is a lot of useful things schools teaches that can be applied in every day life, but school has become the worst part of my day, which is especially troubling since it takes up such a large part of it. And after school, I'm just so drained and it makes me so sad to be alive. 

You'll probably have it in most school systems regardless of country, but American school are just such a shitty environment for people who have mental issues. How am I even supposed to properly deal with these issues when I'm constantly bombarded with all this schoolwork? How am I supposed to experience life and enjoy it when I'm trapped in an environment that worsens my mental health and anxiety? 

It's my last year of high school, but I still can't help but feel like I would be happier having dropped out. Realistically, the long term would look worse, but school environments are so toxic a lot of the time. The pressure to conform is just so strong and I don't know how other people feel, but it almost makes me hate being different, it makes me want to be ""normal""

I'm just venting a little. I don't know if this would really make sense to other people, tbh I'm kinda fucked up mentally right now cause school is a bitch. Thx for reading :)",JohnJohnson369369,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9fy7/i_lost_my_youth_to_school/,know lot people say lost younger year anxiety depression doubt definitely lost lot year thing feel like large portion life ha wasted school course lot useful thing school teach applied every day life school ha become worst part day especially troubling since take large part school drained make sad alive probably school system regardless country american school shitty environment people mental issue even supposed properly deal issue constantly bombarded schoolwork supposed experience life enjoy trapped environment worsens mental health anxiety last year high school still help feel like would happier dropped realistically long term would look worse school environment toxic lot time pressure conform strong know people feel almost make hate different make want normal venting little know would really make sense people tbh kinda fucked mentally right cause school bitch thx reading,lost youth school,john johnson 369369,1493,25,john johnson 369369 know lot people say lost younger year anxiety depression doubt definitely lost lot year thing feel like large portion life ha wasted school course lot useful thing school teach applied every day life school ha become worst part day especially troubling since take large part school drained make sad alive probably school system regardless country american school shitty environment people mental issue even supposed properly deal issue constantly bombarded schoolwork supposed experience life enjoy trapped environment worsens mental health anxiety last year high school still help feel like would happier dropped realistically long term would look worse school environment toxic lot time pressure conform strong know people feel almost make hate different make want normal venting little know would really make sense people tbh kinda fucked mentally right cause school bitch thx reading lost youth school
Today was actually a good day.,"Hello everyone! I, as well as most people on the subreddit, have depression. I've been struggling with it for a few years. Recently I was prescribed with welbutrin. I must say that I cant express how much better I've been doing. I still have my moments at night but it's definitely not as bad. I've been struggling with my weight for a while as well but I was just laying in bed and had a weird switch get flipped and now I want to change my diet, i want to start going to the gym and be active. It's crazy because I'm lazy as fuck. Maybe doing this will help a lot with my depression. 

I'm scared though because a few years ago I broke my back while playing football. I was really active outdoors. I played football for the school, I kayaked, hiked, etc. Not being able to do those things has caused me to gain a bunch if weight and become insanely depressed. I lost feeling in my toes for 6 months after the initial accident. I wasn't able to do anything active. My toes are fine now but the fact that I'm not able to do what I used to do because of the accident has caused me to be depressed. I dont want to be depressed anymore, I'm sure everyone can relate. I want to get my life back the way it was and the only way I can do it is to step out of my comfort zone and find someone who will be willing to help me achieve my goal. 

Although it may be difficult, I know if I try my hardest I can achieve my goal. I apologize for the rant but this sudden change in my mindset has got me really motivated and honestly a bit emotional. I was scared I'd never find a way out of this rut. I'm also scared to lose this motivation. I dont want this to be a small fluke of motivation and then tomorrow I'm right back at where I was. But I shouldn't focus on tomorrow. 


Anyways again sorry for the rant but I couldn't bottle it up. I hope you have a nice day to whomever is reading this (:",TetraStrange,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1r3u/today_was_actually_a_good_day/,hello everyone well people subreddit depression struggling year recently wa prescribed welbutrin must say cant express much better still moment night definitely bad struggling weight well wa laying bed weird switch get flipped want change diet want start going gym active crazy lazy fuck maybe help lot depression scared though year ago broke back playing football wa really active outdoors played football school kayaked hiked etc able thing ha caused gain bunch weight become insanely depressed lost feeling toe 6 month initial accident able anything active toe fine fact able used accident ha caused depressed dont want depressed anymore sure everyone relate want get life back way wa way step comfort zone find someone willing help achieve goal although may difficult know try hardest achieve goal apologize rant sudden change mindset ha got really motivated honestly bit emotional wa scared never find way rut also scared lose motivation dont want small fluke motivation tomorrow right back wa focus tomorrow anyways sorry rant bottle hope nice day whomever reading,today wa actually good day,tetra strange,1885,30,tetra strange hello everyone well people subreddit depression struggling year recently wa prescribed welbutrin must say cant express much better still moment night definitely bad struggling weight well wa laying bed weird switch get flipped want change diet want start going gym active crazy lazy fuck maybe help lot depression scared though year ago broke back playing football wa really active outdoors played football school kayaked hiked etc able thing ha caused gain bunch weight become insanely depressed lost feeling toe 6 month initial accident able anything active toe fine fact able used accident ha caused depressed dont want depressed anymore sure everyone relate want get life back way wa way step comfort zone find someone willing help achieve goal although may difficult know try hardest achieve goal apologize rant sudden change mindset ha got really motivated honestly bit emotional wa scared never find way rut also scared lose motivation dont want small fluke motivation tomorrow right back wa focus tomorrow anyways sorry rant bottle hope nice day whomever reading today wa actually good day
"I wonder if life was a red button, how many people would press ""off""","I wonder how many people would take an easy out without even thinking about the family they would leave behind if it was as simple as pressing a red button.

20% of the population?

It must be good it's not that easy.

We are the product of hundreds of generations who chose not to, over and over. Each of them said yes to life probably thousands of tumes. Then had kids. It's in our DNA to fight.",gettingbetter95,48,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtha7/i_wonder_if_life_was_a_red_button_how_many_people/,wonder many people would take easy without even thinking family would leave behind wa simple pressing red button 20 population must good easy product hundred generation chose said yes life probably thousand tumes kid dna fight,wonder life wa red button many people would press,getting better 95,397,68,getting better 95 wonder many people would take easy without even thinking family would leave behind wa simple pressing red button 20 population must good easy product hundred generation chose said yes life probably thousand tumes kid dna fight wonder life wa red button many people would press
Vitamine pills???,"I have read that depression can be caused by lack of Vitamine b and d. D is rare in food and is generally a problem in my country because of the Sun.  I hab elontril but I think it did not made it much better...
Should I buy ??? I am pretty desperated...

Sorry for the bad english",HumbleStudy,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feckug/vitamine_pills/,read depression caused lack vitamine b rare food generally problem country sun hab elontril think made much better buy pretty desperated sorry bad english,vitamine pill,humble study,281,17,humble study read depression caused lack vitamine b rare food generally problem country sun hab elontril think made much better buy pretty desperated sorry bad english vitamine pill
I’m starting to feel like I’m not meant for this world anymore,"I’m 17, and I’ve been feeling this way ever since I was 15. I have no friends, social anxiety and I’ve been homeschooled since I was 5. And to top it all off, I have asperger’s syndrome. I’d give away everything I have just to have at least one real friend who understands me and just to be normal.

My anxiety has gotten so bad that I can barely even go out anymore. I for some reason have a huge fear of kids around my age. I almost had a panic attack just for checking out my new college with my mum. I don’t think I’ll ever make it there. I like a lot of stuff that I’m sure no one my age likes and I get angry at my relatives for no reason. 

I hate being a teen. Why do hormones exist? Why is everything so complicated? Why am I losing my mind? I never used to have to worry about any of this shit as a little kid. I wish I could go back in time and undo whatever the fuck it was that made me this way. I come from a good family, so it’s not family related. Only thing I do is isolate myself from the entire world + my family by just staying in my room playing games and watching videos. I can’t do anything else.

The only thing keeping me alive is my family. I cry or feel like crying whenever I picture them looking in horror at me taking my life.",depressedthrowwway02,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecjnj/im_starting_to_feel_like_im_not_meant_for_this/,17 feeling way ever since wa 15 friend social anxiety homeschooled since wa 5 top asperger syndrome give away everything least one real friend understands normal anxiety ha gotten bad barely even go anymore reason huge fear kid around age almost panic attack checking new college mum think ever make like lot stuff sure one age like get angry relative reason hate teen hormone exist everything complicated losing mind never used worry shit little kid wish could go back time undo whatever fuck wa made way come good family family related thing isolate entire world family staying room playing game watching video anything else thing keeping alive family cry feel like cry whenever picture looking horror taking life,starting feel like meant world anymore,depressed throw w way 02,1256,62,depressed throw w way 02 17 feeling way ever since wa 15 friend social anxiety homeschooled since wa 5 top asperger syndrome give away everything least one real friend understands normal anxiety ha gotten bad barely even go anymore reason huge fear kid around age almost panic attack checking new college mum think ever make like lot stuff sure one age like get angry relative reason hate teen hormone exist everything complicated losing mind never used worry shit little kid wish could go back time undo whatever fuck wa made way come good family family related thing isolate entire world family staying room playing game watching video anything else thing keeping alive family cry feel like cry whenever picture looking horror taking life starting feel like meant world anymore
More karma = less social life = more depression = more reddit inspiration = more Karma........,"That's the fun cycle if this community, is it not?

Prove me wrong guys.

Comment if you think so. Although, to be fair I do think r/depression has been helpful. It's dark, but also helps normalize shit.",gettingbetter95,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe97vt/more_karma_less_social_life_more_depression_more/,fun cycle community prove wrong guy comment think although fair think r depression ha helpful dark also help normalize shit,karma le social life depression reddit inspiration karma,getting better 95,203,94,getting better 95 fun cycle community prove wrong guy comment think although fair think r depression ha helpful dark also help normalize shit karma le social life depression reddit inspiration karma
I’m really not okay. *Trigger warning* *verbal diarrhoea too*,"It’s a very long story but to shorten it a bit. I’m getting kicked out of crisis housing for having my dog which they knew about, on the property. Just gonna state here that she was apart of my agreement because she’s going to be a service dog for me. 

They’ve now changed there minds 4 months later & saying that I can stay but she can’t. I’m basically being forced to be homeless & no one really seems to care. I’ve been reaching out to those I love... but nothing. All too busy or something better. 

I know they say don’t give up, it’ll get there but when? For the past 2 years I had cancer, after I found out I was in remission & this program a youth organisation had accepted me, the Australian bush fires started which effected my family home. I lost my granddad as well now they’re doing this. Just when is it gonna end",chelsloveskita,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fef76g/im_really_not_okay_trigger_warning_verbal/,long story shorten bit getting kicked crisis housing dog knew property gonna state wa apart agreement going service dog changed mind 4 month later amp saying stay basically forced homeless amp one really seems care reaching love nothing busy something better know say give get past 2 year cancer found wa remission amp program youth organisation accepted australian bush fire started effected family home lost granddad well gonna end,really okay trigger warning verbal diarrhoea,chel love kita,840,61,chel love kita long story shorten bit getting kicked crisis housing dog knew property gonna state wa apart agreement going service dog changed mind 4 month later amp saying stay basically forced homeless amp one really seems care reaching love nothing busy something better know say give get past 2 year cancer found wa remission amp program youth organisation accepted australian bush fire started effected family home lost granddad well gonna end really okay trigger warning verbal diarrhoea
Depression from Chronic Iniury,"Hi all, I’ve dealt with mild depression most of my life and handle it decently through medication, on and off therapy and CBT.  

However I’ve had 3 failed shoulder surgeries since 2016 and my shoulder pain triggers relapses into anger, depression, and feeling bad for myself.   I can’t play basketball anymore which I loved, I have trouble holding and playing with my two young daughters as well.  When I try something that I can no longer do (our daughter on my shoulders or shoot hoops in the driveway) it usually means I will be down for the rest of the day. 

I know people deal with much more serious strokes of misfortune than a bad arm but I often spiral into feeling bad for myself and being mad at myself for the basketball plays that led to the original injuries.  

Does anyone recommend a book, a method of CBT or any advice for me to deal with this better?

Thanks in advance, I appreciate reading this sub, this is my first time posting.",EK23EK23,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fece4t/depression_from_chronic_iniury/,hi dealt mild depression life handle decently medication therapy cbt however 3 failed shoulder surgery since 2016 shoulder pain trigger relapse anger depression feeling bad play basketball anymore loved trouble holding playing two young daughter well try something longer daughter shoulder shoot hoop driveway usually mean rest day know people deal much serious stroke misfortune bad arm often spiral feeling bad mad basketball play led original injury doe anyone recommend book method cbt advice deal better thanks advance appreciate reading sub first time posting,depression chronic iniury,ek 23 ek 23,952,30,ek 23 ek 23 hi dealt mild depression life handle decently medication therapy cbt however 3 failed shoulder surgery since 2016 shoulder pain trigger relapse anger depression feeling bad play basketball anymore loved trouble holding playing two young daughter well try something longer daughter shoulder shoot hoop driveway usually mean rest day know people deal much serious stroke misfortune bad arm often spiral feeling bad mad basketball play led original injury doe anyone recommend book method cbt advice deal better thanks advance appreciate reading sub first time posting depression chronic iniury
Hard life,"I'm tired of having a extremely hard life, my father used crack till I was 12, beat my mom every day, then he stopped and was still impossible to deal with, now he's on cocaine and we don't talk, my mom has another kid and another husband far, I don't have family and I live in the US alone, I work 10 hours and I don't have shiiiiit, I'm just 19 and I'm so tired u know, why does it have to be so hard, I can barely pay the rent ant eat, I'm tired of not having anyone to rely since was born, well, this is just me letting go u know, srry",Danielquerino420,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feaci5/hard_life/,tired extremely hard life father used crack till wa 12 beat mom every day stopped wa still impossible deal cocaine talk mom ha another kid another husband far family live u alone work 10 hour shiiiiit 19 tired u know doe hard barely pay rent ant eat tired anyone rely since wa born well letting go u know srry,hard life,daniel quer 420,539,9,daniel quer 420 tired extremely hard life father used crack till wa 12 beat mom every day stopped wa still impossible deal cocaine talk mom ha another kid another husband far family live u alone work 10 hour shiiiiit 19 tired u know doe hard barely pay rent ant eat tired anyone rely since wa born well letting go u know srry hard life
Am I faking my feelings?,"I've seen people question this before, but never identified with it enough to pay attention until now. So, here is the post.

I will frame unnecessary explanations with ""//"", in case anyone reading wants to skip. Although I'd like to warn you that this post is somewhat long regardless, as I like to explain things.

I've been considering myself unworthy (of a real friend, of feeling better, of complaining) since a long time, as I have a nice life, or because that I'm not feeling as bad as many other people who are said to be depressed. I obviously never wanted to be sad, nor to experience bad things, but I wanted to be worthy of some certain things I felt I needed. Over time I began feeling worse and worse, to a point where I compare myself more than I used to do, where almost everything upsets me. 

//For example, let's say there is a character I relate to and am happy about being alike. That used to be a source of motivation. Now when I see this character, I can only think of how much better this said persona is compared to myself, and how I can never be like them. When I look at something I value, rather than being happy I feel worried of what might happen to them. Or, when entering a new season I mourn the previous, alongside all the time I wasted.//

I'm mostly worried, stressed, or sad. The thing is that there is no clear reason for me to feel so. I sometimes question if I myself feel that way..



I also am having a hard time figuring my feelings for over a year. There are some occasions where I thought I didn't feel anything, but couldn't help crying.

The reason I'm writing this post is that, while watching a show, a character explained a 'negative' habit of the other, which I ultimately related to. It's not something I consider to be really bad. However, after that scene I couldn't somehow focus to the episode. My interest faded to a point. It was almost as if I was reacting to what was said, but I don't even care that much. The character cared, but not me. Was I impersonating his emotions? Or am I just faking all these to feel worthy? I cannot understand this. Am I really sad or am I just kidding myself?

I can barely read my own feelings, beliefs, and thoughts at this point. Like, I still know what they are, but I can't feel that. Not always, but mostly it's like a colourless, pitcureless page of information. ""I feel this, I think that."" but, do I really? Am I even myself, or am I just pretending?",NotACreativeUN,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9n45/am_i_faking_my_feelings/,seen people question never identified enough pay attention post frame unnecessary explanation case anyone reading want skip although like warn post somewhat long regardless like explain thing considering unworthy real friend feeling better complaining since long time nice life feeling bad many people said depressed obviously never wanted sad experience bad thing wanted worthy certain thing felt needed time began feeling worse worse point compare used almost everything upset example let say character relate happy alike used source motivation see character think much better said persona compared never like look something value rather happy feel worried might happen entering new season mourn previous alongside time wasted mostly worried stressed sad thing clear reason feel sometimes question feel way also hard time figuring feeling year occasion thought feel anything help cry reason writing post watching show character explained negative habit ultimately related something consider really bad however scene somehow focus episode interest faded point wa almost wa reacting wa said even care much character cared wa impersonating emotion faking feel worthy cannot understand really sad kidding barely read feeling belief thought point like still know feel always mostly like colourless pitcureless page information feel think really even pretending,faking feeling,creative un,2451,24,creative un seen people question never identified enough pay attention post frame unnecessary explanation case anyone reading want skip although like warn post somewhat long regardless like explain thing considering unworthy real friend feeling better complaining since long time nice life feeling bad many people said depressed obviously never wanted sad experience bad thing wanted worthy certain thing felt needed time began feeling worse worse point compare used almost everything upset example let say character relate happy alike used source motivation see character think much better said persona compared never like look something value rather happy feel worried might happen entering new season mourn previous alongside time wasted mostly worried stressed sad thing clear reason feel sometimes question feel way also hard time figuring feeling year occasion thought feel anything help cry reason writing post watching show character explained negative habit ultimately related something consider really bad however scene somehow focus episode interest faded point wa almost wa reacting wa said even care much character cared wa impersonating emotion faking feel worthy cannot understand really sad kidding barely read feeling belief thought point like still know feel always mostly like colourless pitcureless page information feel think really even pretending faking feeling
"Add a ""no karma begging"" rule","iM dEpReSSeD. cAn I gET kArMa now??!!

So fucking annoying, talk about your mental illness or fuck off.",LeonXvoN,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fef20u/add_a_no_karma_begging_rule/,im depressed get karma fucking annoying talk mental illness fuck,add karma begging rule,leon xv,103,29,leon xv im depressed get karma fucking annoying talk mental illness fuck add karma begging rule
some lame confession,"Its irony when my mom keeps bugging me like why wont I spend my time to talk with her instead of me sulking in my bedroom when everytime I talk to her,she always manage to either compare me with one of her friend's child who are far way more successful or reminds me of how much my dad not wanting me.I wish I was never alive.",amrhble,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecb4f/some_lame_confession/,irony mom keep bugging like wont spend time talk instead sulking bedroom everytime talk always manage either compare one friend child far way successful reminds much dad wanting wish wa never alive,lame confession,rh ble,326,20,rh ble irony mom keep bugging like wont spend time talk instead sulking bedroom everytime talk always manage either compare one friend child far way successful reminds much dad wanting wish wa never alive lame confession
Hating what I used to love,"I don't know if this is the right place to post about this, but I thought I would give it a shot.

I've been an artist my whole life, ever since I can remember. I went through many years of art school, and while studying I was doing well. Art has been synonymous with my identity forever, and I've always wanted to be an artist more than anything else.

But I've also had mental health issues my entire life, and I've gone through a couple of periods of terrible depression in the past. I've been medicated since I was a child, so that's helped most of the time. But now, starting last autumn, I've gone into a depressive period that's a bit different than the previous ones. 

I think a combination of my medication losing efficacy and experiencing an artistic burnout are the reasons for this depression. I did two solo shows recently and have been pushing myself to draw so much, so I think burnout is very likely. In any case, I started to notice that I didn't enjoy drawing anymore.

Drawing became a terrible, dreaded chore. It started to feel like way too much work - and that work was not interesting or exciting. The work was also difficult and just SO much. SO many lines. Honestly, when I think about drawing I start to feel physically unwell. 

I've been advised to take a break from drawing, and I'm doing so. I haven't actually drawn anything for about a couple of weeks, and I'm going for one month. 

I'm just so terrified that I'll never enjoy drawing again. I can't even remember what it feels like to not hate drawing. But I still want to be an artist so much. Plus, I honestly don't have any other hobbies unrelated to art that I could focus on. Nothing else really interests me.

I should also mention that I'm switching medications right now, and I'm about to go onto a full dose of my new medication (which is actually one that's worked for me in the past).  

I've never experienced anything like this, and I'm so scared. Any thoughts or advice would be super appreciated.",lindanimated,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feca1a/hating_what_i_used_to_love/,know right place post thought would give shot artist whole life ever since remember went many year art school studying wa well art ha synonymous identity forever always wanted artist anything else also mental health issue entire life gone couple period terrible depression past medicated since wa child helped time starting last autumn gone depressive period bit different previous one think combination medication losing efficacy experiencing artistic burnout reason depression two solo show recently pushing draw much think burnout likely case started notice enjoy drawing anymore drawing became terrible dreaded chore started feel like way much work work wa interesting exciting work wa also difficult much many line honestly think drawing start feel physically unwell advised take break drawing actually drawn anything couple week going one month terrified never enjoy drawing even remember feel like hate drawing still want artist much plus honestly hobby unrelated art could focus nothing else really interest also mention switching medication right go onto full dose new medication actually one worked past never experienced anything like scared thought advice would super appreciated,hating used love,lind animated,1996,26,lind animated know right place post thought would give shot artist whole life ever since remember went many year art school studying wa well art ha synonymous identity forever always wanted artist anything else also mental health issue entire life gone couple period terrible depression past medicated since wa child helped time starting last autumn gone depressive period bit different previous one think combination medication losing efficacy experiencing artistic burnout reason depression two solo show recently pushing draw much think burnout likely case started notice enjoy drawing anymore drawing became terrible dreaded chore started feel like way much work work wa interesting exciting work wa also difficult much many line honestly think drawing start feel physically unwell advised take break drawing actually drawn anything couple week going one month terrified never enjoy drawing even remember feel like hate drawing still want artist much plus honestly hobby unrelated art could focus nothing else really interest also mention switching medication right go onto full dose new medication actually one worked past never experienced anything like scared thought advice would super appreciated hating used love
I'm angry at my family for something they couldn't possibly know and I'm so mean.,"I wanted to kill myself a couple days ago. My family was supposed to leave the house for a few hours, which would give me time to do it. They didn't leave and I'm so angry. It's not fair on them. They couldn't know. But I'm still so angry. I'm not supposed to be alive right now and yet, here I am. And it's all because they decided not to go. If I had chosen not to, been moments away and stopped because I'm a coward, that would have been fine. But no. I don't even get to blame myself for it. I just wanted it to be over but now I have to keep going for longer. I hate myself for hating them over this.",UserUninvited,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fec8ab/im_angry_at_my_family_for_something_they_couldnt/,wanted kill couple day ago family wa supposed leave house hour would give time leave angry fair know still angry supposed alive right yet decided go chosen moment away stopped coward would fine even get blame wanted keep going longer hate hating,angry family something possibly know mean,user uninvited,605,81,user uninvited wanted kill couple day ago family wa supposed leave house hour would give time leave angry fair know still angry supposed alive right yet decided go chosen moment away stopped coward would fine even get blame wanted keep going longer hate hating angry family something possibly know mean
how to deal with depression," how to deal with depression 

1 give me an upvote maybe 

2 [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=fqkBX4P8TTG1fcapz-FFyw](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=fqkBX4P8TTG1fcapz-FFyw)",outakuslayer69,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feetn2/how_to_deal_with_depression/,deal depression 1 give upvote maybe 2 http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si fqkbx4p8ttg1fcapz ffyw http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si fqkbx4p8ttg1fcapz ffyw,deal depression,aku slayer 69,229,27,aku slayer 69 deal depression 1 give upvote maybe 2 http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si fqkbx4p8ttg1fcapz ffyw http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si fqkbx4p8ttg1fcapz ffyw deal depression
Questions regarding therapy,"So I just talked to my parents today for the first time regarding that I want to get therapy. I just have a few questions (they may be hard to answer, so bare with me, I just want to know what to expect): 

1) idk if this makes sense, but some of my typical depressive thoughts seem to not be as accessible when i'm in a better (not happy though) mood. this makes it harder to talk about the underlying issues. could this be a potential problem?

2) what do they typically ask you on the first appointment?

3) if i've been really narrow-minded and close-minded to a lot of people around me trying to tell me to think more positive and eat more, etc., is therapy really best for me? would therapy be helping me become less stubborn and more open-minded?

4) for those who have gone through therapy, was it relieving to finally have the official diagnosis?

5) again, for those who have gone through/are going through therapy, what's the biggest change you've seen in yourself? it can be good or bad. 

thanks in advance!",dreamofdreamcatcher,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea5tg/questions_regarding_therapy/,talked parent today first time regarding want get therapy question may hard answer bare want know expect 1 idk make sense typical depressive thought seem accessible better happy though mood make harder talk underlying issue could potential problem 2 typically ask first appointment 3 really narrow minded close minded lot people around trying tell think positive eat etc therapy really best would therapy helping become le stubborn open minded 4 gone therapy wa relieving finally official diagnosis 5 gone going therapy biggest change seen good bad thanks advance,question regarding therapy,dream dream catcher,1020,27,dream dream catcher talked parent today first time regarding want get therapy question may hard answer bare want know expect 1 idk make sense typical depressive thought seem accessible better happy though mood make harder talk underlying issue could potential problem 2 typically ask first appointment 3 really narrow minded close minded lot people around trying tell think positive eat etc therapy really best would therapy helping become le stubborn open minded 4 gone therapy wa relieving finally official diagnosis 5 gone going therapy biggest change seen good bad thanks advance question regarding therapy
Can anyone help me,"I'm doing my finals this August. It's so close! Bc of depression & anxiety it's really really hard to motivate myself to do things. I'm having a really hard time these days,,,

So can anyone say something to motivate me up I hope this will help me😭💖 please I need your help this means a lot to me❤️",isharabhagya,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fec5h9/can_anyone_help_me/,final august close bc depression amp anxiety really really hard motivate thing really hard time day anyone say something motivate hope help please need help mean lot,anyone help,hara bhag ya,302,18,hara bhag ya final august close bc depression amp anxiety really really hard motivate thing really hard time day anyone say something motivate hope help please need help mean lot anyone help
What did I do so wrong to deserve this bullshit,"For some reason my insecurities have been super intense lately as I lay here these words keep repeating. Fat, useless ,uneducated, LAZY I’ve never felt this empty and emotionless, Today I didn’t even smile once all I could feel was I’m exhausted and kept staring off into blank space I don’t understand why My brain has decided I don’t deserve dopamine or Serotonin. What the fuck have I done to deserve to be this fucking empty I don’t even feel good enough to call myself hot I feel physically sick just thinking about someone else having to touch me. I haven’t wanted to drink alcohol so bad until today my past addictions or vices I should say are trying to creep inside me again the only reason why I think I’m strong enough to say no to it is because I have someone important to me keeping me very grounded.",Sassy_-molassy_-,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea5jr/what_did_i_do_so_wrong_to_deserve_this_bullshit/,reason insecurity super intense lately lay word keep repeating fat useless uneducated lazy never felt empty emotionless today even smile could feel wa exhausted kept staring blank space understand brain ha decided deserve dopamine serotonin fuck done deserve fucking empty even feel good enough call hot feel physically sick thinking someone else touch wanted drink alcohol bad today past addiction vice say trying creep inside reason think strong enough say someone important keeping grounded,wrong deserve bullshit,sassy mol sy,813,47,sassy mol sy reason insecurity super intense lately lay word keep repeating fat useless uneducated lazy never felt empty emotionless today even smile could feel wa exhausted kept staring blank space understand brain ha decided deserve dopamine serotonin fuck done deserve fucking empty even feel good enough call hot feel physically sick thinking someone else touch wanted drink alcohol bad today past addiction vice say trying creep inside reason think strong enough say someone important keeping grounded wrong deserve bullshit
i can’t catch up,i feel like no matter how hard i try when i make one step forward i’m always two steps back. it’s so defeating and embarrassing,hlnclln,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feaz0e/i_cant_catch_up/,feel like matter hard try make one step forward always two step back defeating embarrassing,catch,hl nc lln,127,16,hl nc lln feel like matter hard try make one step forward always two step back defeating embarrassing catch
"“You are in control of your life, if you don’t like how you feel, then change it”",I know that people are just trying to offer advice but this advice sucks. Like if I could just “change it” it would have been done already. I mean I can barely find the mental strength to pull myself out of bed in the morning.,MajiKoju,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe79fh/you_are_in_control_of_your_life_if_you_dont_like/,know people trying offer advice advice suck like could change would done already mean barely find mental strength pull bed morning,control life like feel change,maj ko ju,226,81,maj ko ju know people trying offer advice advice suck like could change would done already mean barely find mental strength pull bed morning control life like feel change
Is this depression or something else? Really struggling.,"Hello everyone, just to preface my doctor has diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, and ocd.  Recently I have been filled with self hatred. I am 5’7” and weigh 140 pounds. I am convinced I am fat even though this is a very average body weight. When I look in the mirror I think how ugly I am. People tell me I am attractive but I do not believe them. I feel like my life is a failure. I graduate college with a degree in fine arts and history with honors...this is not good enough. I feel as if I am very ignorant and perceived as such. I’m have traveled abroad three different times...yet when others tell me about their travels I feel inadequate. My dreams and goals feel absolutely impossible. When ever I go out into public I think everyone hates me and is talking about me. I also constantly google mental illness and symptoms because I am convinced something is majorly wrong with me...even though three doctors have told me I am “normal”. I take multiple mental health quizzes everyday to see if I have lost my mind. I am constantly asking my coworkers at work what they think about me. I am an artist and believe every work I produce is garbage. Even with people validating me I usually don’t believe them. Any advice?",roadtonowhere5,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feeppw/is_this_depression_or_something_else_really/,hello everyone preface doctor ha diagnosed depression anxiety ocd recently filled self hatred 5 7 weigh 140 pound convinced fat even though average body weight look mirror think ugly people tell attractive believe feel like life failure graduate college degree fine art history honor good enough feel ignorant perceived traveled abroad three different time yet others tell travel feel inadequate dream goal feel absolutely impossible ever go public think everyone hate talking also constantly google mental illness symptom convinced something majorly wrong even though three doctor told normal take multiple mental health quiz everyday see lost mind constantly asking coworkers work think artist believe every work produce garbage even people validating usually believe advice,depression something else really struggling,road nowhere 5,1227,56,road nowhere 5 hello everyone preface doctor ha diagnosed depression anxiety ocd recently filled self hatred 5 7 weigh 140 pound convinced fat even though average body weight look mirror think ugly people tell attractive believe feel like life failure graduate college degree fine art history honor good enough feel ignorant perceived traveled abroad three different time yet others tell travel feel inadequate dream goal feel absolutely impossible ever go public think everyone hate talking also constantly google mental illness symptom convinced something majorly wrong even though three doctor told normal take multiple mental health quiz everyday see lost mind constantly asking coworkers work think artist believe every work produce garbage even people validating usually believe advice depression something else really struggling
finally decided to clean (and thank you to all of you),i’ve been going thru a pretty big rough patch i’ve the last month and so the small amount of time i’ve spent at home has been devoted to either drinking smoking or sleeping so it’s become an absolute disaster. so i decided to take the next two days and devote them to cleaning up my apartment. i can’t remember who commented it but i remember seeing someone saying that even just doing one load of laundry or making their bed helps them a lot. i don’t post much in this sub but i sure do lurk a lot and i just wanted to thank everyone that comments and reply’s to stuff. i just want to let you know that you’re not only helping the person who’s post you’re commenting on. you can be helping countless other people like me who just sit back and read and i want to thank this whole community. i don’t know if cleanings gonna help me in the long run and i know it won’t fix all my problems but it’s a start. and idk if whoever’s reading this needs to hear it but the small things matter. even if it’s picking up all your dirty clothes and putting them into the hamper. the smallest things can make a huge difference. if you’re reading this i love you thank you for making this community what it is. we’re gonna all get thru this one step at a time. keep your heads up.,somyfriendscantsee,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feawi2/finally_decided_to_clean_and_thank_you_to_all_of/,going thru pretty big rough patch last month small amount time spent home ha devoted either drinking smoking sleeping become absolute disaster decided take next two day devote cleaning apartment remember commented remember seeing someone saying even one load laundry making bed help lot post much sub sure lurk lot wanted thank everyone comment reply stuff want let know helping person post commenting helping countless people like sit back read want thank whole community know cleaning gonna help long run know fix problem start idk whoever reading need hear small thing matter even picking dirty clothes putting hamper smallest thing make huge difference reading love thank making community gonna get thru one step time keep head,finally decided clean thank,friend cant see,1265,54,friend cant see going thru pretty big rough patch last month small amount time spent home ha devoted either drinking smoking sleeping become absolute disaster decided take next two day devote cleaning apartment remember commented remember seeing someone saying even one load laundry making bed help lot post much sub sure lurk lot wanted thank everyone comment reply stuff want let know helping person post commenting helping countless people like sit back read want thank whole community know cleaning gonna help long run know fix problem start idk whoever reading need hear small thing matter even picking dirty clothes putting hamper smallest thing make huge difference reading love thank making community gonna get thru one step time keep head finally decided clean thank
Today was the day I didn’t cry,"I’ve cried nearly everyday for the past 3 years. You know when you can’t explain how you feel, when you don’t even know yourself and why your here. That was me, everyday for the 3 years of my life. But today I didn’t feel like that, I felt like I knew who I was. I don’t know how to explain it, so that’s why I’m on here.",rembola,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8mgq/today_was_the_day_i_didnt_cry/,cried nearly everyday past 3 year know explain feel even know wa everyday 3 year life today feel like felt like knew wa know explain,today wa day cry,rem bola,321,30,rem bola cried nearly everyday past 3 year know explain feel even know wa everyday 3 year life today feel like felt like knew wa know explain today wa day cry
I went to a doctor and prescribed citalopram,"I feel nauseous after taking pill,But i didn't drink from today till now
(Sorry, my English isn’t good)",-Jigglypuff-,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feaszh/i_went_to_a_doctor_and_prescribed_citalopram/,feel nauseous taking pill drink today till sorry english good,went doctor prescribed citalopram,jigglypuff,103,44,jigglypuff feel nauseous taking pill drink today till sorry english good went doctor prescribed citalopram
On my mind,"So after ages I finally asked my Crush (and one of my best friends) out on a date. And she said yes.This made me the fking happiest i've bin in forever. After 2 months of dating I realized that we were taking it very slowly. I thought it was fine, good things need their time to blossom.   
After another 2 months I realized that i was suffering under these circumstances and that it was really hard for me not knowing if she still liked me back. Yes we kissed and yes she initiated it once but two weeks ago this happened:

After one of the best nights i ever had, we were talking in the car and I just asked if everything was alright with ""us"". After a moment of silence I dreaded her answer and then she startet trying to say something. She tried and tried again and again until she finally said: "" I am in love with someone else... And the thing is it's not another male.""This has been really hard on me. I don't think she's a Lesbian but i, felt how insecure she was about her own sexuallity and that she was sooo afraid that people would not accept her anymore. Now i am stuck in a wierd af situation. I still really love her and I feel like giving up on ""us"" isn't even an option. She has been one of my best friend in ages and I dont want to loose her. But i dont know if its healthy for me if we keep on seeing each other or hanging out. I mean i've been kinda depressed for a while now, the bad feelings and thought come and go.

I'm also worried that if I distance myself from her that it would intensify her insecurites.

If she were in love with another guy i'd probalby stop seeing her tho, wouldn't I? Or at least I should, shouldn't I?

I told her that we have to talk and we are going to meet on Sunday. I just dont know what i want to tell her. That I love her? That we are done? That we are cool and that she should sort her stuff out?That she's a bitch for dating me for months with no intention of being in a relationship? I have pretty bad moodswings and don't know what I really feel.  
I just know that things can't stay the same as they are now.

This shit has been really hard on me.I mean seriously I think about her ALL THE TIME. Everything reminds me of the awsome times we had and now I cant even watch lebian Pron without being blue.Thanks for reading...",Try_zle,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febw8y/on_my_mind/,age finally asked crush one best friend date said yes made fking happiest bin forever 2 month dating realized taking slowly thought wa fine good thing need time blossom another 2 month realized wa suffering circumstance wa really hard knowing still liked back yes kissed yes initiated two week ago happened one best night ever talking car asked everything wa alright u moment silence dreaded answer startet trying say something tried tried finally said love someone else thing another male ha really hard think lesbian felt insecure wa sexuallity wa sooo afraid people would accept anymore stuck wierd af situation still really love feel like giving u even option ha one best friend age dont want loose dont know healthy keep seeing hanging mean kinda depressed bad feeling thought come go also worried distance would intensify insecurites love another guy probalby stop seeing tho least told talk going meet sunday dont know want tell love done cool sort stuff bitch dating month intention relationship pretty bad moodswings know really feel know thing stay shit ha really hard mean seriously think time everything reminds awsome time cant even watch lebian pron without blue thanks reading,mind,try z le,2285,10,try z le age finally asked crush one best friend date said yes made fking happiest bin forever 2 month dating realized taking slowly thought wa fine good thing need time blossom another 2 month realized wa suffering circumstance wa really hard knowing still liked back yes kissed yes initiated two week ago happened one best night ever talking car asked everything wa alright u moment silence dreaded answer startet trying say something tried tried finally said love someone else thing another male ha really hard think lesbian felt insecure wa sexuallity wa sooo afraid people would accept anymore stuck wierd af situation still really love feel like giving u even option ha one best friend age dont want loose dont know healthy keep seeing hanging mean kinda depressed bad feeling thought come go also worried distance would intensify insecurites love another guy probalby stop seeing tho least told talk going meet sunday dont know want tell love done cool sort stuff bitch dating month intention relationship pretty bad moodswings know really feel know thing stay shit ha really hard mean seriously think time everything reminds awsome time cant even watch lebian pron without blue thanks reading mind
My Depression,"  

The thoughts of a 30-year-old depressed guy. I am afraid of, well not afraid but the things I think about on a regular basis. I worry if my daughter will be taken away from because of my crazy ex-wife. I worry about what my daughter thinks or will think of me because I have no goals or ambitions right now other than to make enough money to outshine my ex-wife. I want to do all these things, but I am too worried about everything that will go wrong with them. I want to start a business and be successful, but I am afraid of failure and getting stuck right back where I am, which is like resetting my whole life. I worry about if I am going to get cancer because I am addicted to chewing tobacco and want to stop for my daughters sake because I don’t want it to influence her life because I have been told it is bad for you. I worry about being alone the rest of my life because I can’t seem to find anyone who loves me or is it because I am to shallow and don’t think anyone over 150 lbs. is pretty. I can’t sleep because my mind races and races at night and these things flow through my mind. I worry about looking successful to the people around me which holds me back because I don’t want to show how unsuccessful I am right now. I feel like a failure and a worthless person. the only thing that gets me through the really really tough thoughts is my daughter. And if I wasn’t here who would raise her. The pressure around me to do the right thing is tremendous but what is the right thing? Is the right thing what everyone thinks or what is socially acceptable? Is the right thing what I think is right? but then why do other people think some of the things I do are wrong? What makes them right? I think about the things in my past that I could have done differently but what’s the point? I can’t change them so why do I dwell on them? Do I need to even worry about them? I worry about how I am going to pay for things if I lose my VA disability but I don’t want to go to my VA appointments because I feel it reinforces the fact that I am messed up and I come up with excuses as to why I shouldn’t go. to try to reason with myself as to why its ok not to go. It’s also a distance away which wastes 2 hours of my days sitting at home doing nothing. So is it helpful to go to an appointment and lie to a doc for 15 mins telling him that every things ok and I take meds, Which I don’t take my meds because 1 I hate taking medication every day and 2 I don’t like to think taking them helps but they do because if I took them then I might not be writing this. I know I need to do better but I work at a dead-end job that has no future for me. I am just a pawn in someone else’s business story. I want to make more money, but I don’t know where to go because no one is telling me where to go and I am afraid to start anything just to fail. I don’t want to waste my time doing something and have that time taken from me by an unforeseen event. But why do I worry about an unforeseen event when I can’t even see it coming. Is my life that messed up that I am worried about something that may or may not happen. I sit here typing this looking into my baby monitor telling myself I need to do better for my daughter. What example am I setting for her if I don’t do anything with my life. I thought I had my whole life planned out then boom my world is rocked by an unhealthy relationship which everyone but me saw. Everyone told me I shouldn’t have been with that girl. Everyone told me I needed to leave her. But as cliché (why did I just look up how to spell cliché in something I am only going to read) as it sounds, I loved her. Or at least what I thought was love. I was ready to spend my life with her, but she went and fucked two other people and who knows how many others. But blamed me because she thought I had an affair…. Which I didn’t have an affair. I write this hoping my feelings will leave my body and I will not worry about them anymore. But for how long is it going to last? Is this really going to help? Maybe I’ll post this on some reddit website and become famous for it. Ha who am I kidding. I am nobody. I am a middle age man who has been handed a fucked-up life and can’t get out. But it’s not as fucked up as some people’s lives so why does mine hurt so bad? Maybe I am stuck on the materialistic things and want to hide behind them. Like having a nice truck but not as nice as the one I want because I am smart enough not to burry myself in debt and have that looming over me. I am content on doing nothing but am afraid of everything. I tell myself I am meant for more, but I don’t know how to get there. I am smart but not smart enough to figure out how to make myself happy. So, am I really that smart? I can tell you all night and day that I am smarter than what I am doing right now but have nothing to show for it. I think everyone is out to get me in some way shape or form, I don’t trust anyone, I think they all have some agenda to serve themselves but don’t we all. Is anyone truly selfless? Now I am just rambling to ramble so focus, focus on why I am writing this. Focus focus focus why why am I handed a dealt of cards that has no instructions? is that life? What’s the purpose? Why do I even waste my time? Why can’t I win the lottery and hide behind the money at least I will be able to do the things that make me happy because I won’t be constrained by money? But if I did have it would I really be HAPPY? I think it would be better than where I am. But why would I be so lucky as to win the lottery when there are stronger people out there who deserve it more than me? is luck a figment of our imaginations? are all the strings being pulled by some divine or supreme power? Some might say I am on drugs right now to think like this. I’m not. This is how my mind works and I think it’s a blessing and a curse. Who will even read this? Now it’s just becoming to long for the quick reader to think it’s interesting and too short for anyone to take it seriously but I’m not writing it for them I am writing it for myself. I want to get better I want to do better. But where are the answers? Do I make up the answers and hope I get by? Do I tell lies and belittle other people to get through life? Why not? It feels like other people, all people do it to me. Who is coming to punish those who do me wrong? Do I do it? No, why? because I am afraid of the consequences. I am pressured by everyone to do the right thing. Maybe that’s what governs people? Then why doesn’t everyone act the same? Are there to many questions in this? Who cares? Its mine right, maybe I will share this so someone can laugh, someone can feel empowered to do the same? Someone can belittle me? I need to do better I need to push myself to do better. I started working out because I thought I might get laid if I look better. But is anyone even going to notice? I wasn’t in shape before and got laid, sort of… I more or less have always found the girl who is in need and made her feel better, then when that wears off, I am alone… am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? At least I have my daughter, right? But eventually she will leave me too because no one wants to be around someone as depressed as me… I wouldn’t want to be around me. I always hear this saying on the radio or tv or what have you “ you have to love yourself before anyone can love you”… who am I kidding I will always be alone because I don’t see myself loving myself. I am fat, ugly and stupid. I don’t have any value. I don’t have the ability to love anyone else because I just want to use the other person to make myself feel better. But how is that? Does that even make sense? Am I connecting with anyone? If this is circulating around and you are reading this far, then possibly? Should I keep going? Maybe I still feel like going. My fingers are starting to hurt but it feels a little better to not have all these things bottled up inside me. Maybe it’s because I am pretending to type it to an imaginary audience. so, things I worry about. I worry about paying bills, but I am good at financial stuff. So that’s ok but I still worry about them. I worry that I am not doing the right thing. I worry about what other people think of me but that’s ridiculous. I should not worry about that right? I worry about the spelling in this, but I have spell check. I worry about sleeping all day when I have my daughter because she could hurt herself because she is 2. I also worry she is going to grow up and think I just slept all the time, but she doesn’t know I was up until 3am writing a stupid paper about the things I worry about. But that’s not her fault. I worry about making a good impression on the people around me because I don’t want to be alone and the only people around me is family right now. I seem to piss everyone else off. Why do I piss them off? Because I am pushing people away so they can’t hurt me. Is that an excuse? I worry about getting into an accident and not being able to take care of my responsibilities, but should I? I worry about being someone else’s burden, I don’t want to hinder someone else’s life with my inability to love myself. It is no one’s problem but my own. But there are people who want to help me or are they getting paid to do so because someone decided it was good for business to make money on others suffering. #cancer maybe that’s too much. I definitely can’t post this anywhere now. I worry about getting up in the morning and it being my last day. I worry that all of this will pile up and I’ll do something I can’t take back. But that’s why I think of my daughter, I worry I’ll be trapped in this life and these circumstances for a long time because I am too afraid to take a leap of faith and just try to make my life better. I worry about anything and everything. I don’t care about anyone other than my daughter truly, her life is the only real thing I care about. She is so innocent, am I contaminating her life by being in it though? Is my negative thinking rubbing off on her and will she be like me? I hope not. I see the negative in everything. I can’t think fast but when I do think at my own pace, I can figure shit out. I worry about being in a situation I can’t think my way out of. I truly worry about everything. My daughter is being pushed into school. Well I think so. Her mother doesn’t want her to not be in school, because she is ready. I think it’s because her mom doesn’t want to take care of her and wants to push her into school so someone else must deal with her. She seems too young to start preschool in my mind. Why do I care so much about what my ex-wife is doing or thinks? Maybe it is because I have to deal with her for the rest of my life, not like she is going away and I can’t not talk to her because then the court will see me as being unfit to parent then I will lose my daughter. I don’t want that now do I. I feel like my ex-wife has her life together and mine is falling apart underneath me but maybe she is just hiding it like I am trying to do? But I’m the one writing this so we will stick with my feelings. I don’t want to lose my daughter but everything I do I am feeling like it is a movement on a chess board and at any moment I am going to get check mated. Who even uses a term like that anymore? Apparently, I do. I worry about who is going to care for my daughter when I am not around. I worry she will fall into something and I can’t save her. Literally and figuratively. I worry my life is pointless then I think of her smile and watch videos of her, and it makes me happy. I worry I am a burden on people, and no one wants to deal with me, so I try to hide myself. I feel I am not good at anything. Or not good enough. I feel lonesome tired afraid and beaten down. I have to many struggles. too much on my mind. Emotionless. Defeated. Unintelligent, worthless, hopeless. Who thinks like this? I do. I have depression.",user1522,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feaqrz/my_depression/,thought 30 year old depressed guy afraid well afraid thing think regular basis worry daughter taken away crazy ex wife worry daughter think think goal ambition right make enough money outshine ex wife want thing worried everything go wrong want start business successful afraid failure getting stuck right back like resetting whole life worry going get cancer addicted chewing tobacco want stop daughter sake want influence life told bad worry alone rest life seem find anyone love shallow think anyone 150 lb pretty sleep mind race race night thing flow mind worry looking successful people around hold back want show unsuccessful right feel like failure worthless person thing get really really tough thought daughter would raise pressure around right thing tremendous right thing right thing everyone think socially acceptable right thing think right people think thing wrong make right think thing past could done differently point change dwell need even worry worry going pay thing lose va disability want go va appointment feel reinforces fact messed come excuse go try reason ok go also distance away waste 2 hour day sitting home nothing helpful go appointment lie doc 15 min telling every thing ok take med take med 1 hate taking medication every day 2 like think taking help took might writing know need better work dead end job ha future pawn someone else business story want make money know go one telling go afraid start anything fail want waste time something time taken unforeseen event worry unforeseen event even see coming life messed worried something may may happen sit typing looking baby monitor telling need better daughter example setting anything life thought whole life planned boom world rocked unhealthy relationship everyone saw everyone told girl everyone told needed leave cliché look spell cliché something going read sound loved least thought wa love wa ready spend life went fucked two people know many others blamed thought affair affair write hoping feeling leave body worry anymore long going last really going help maybe post reddit website become famous ha kidding nobody middle age man ha handed fucked life get fucked people life doe mine hurt bad maybe stuck materialistic thing want hide behind like nice truck nice one want smart enough burry debt looming content nothing afraid everything tell meant know get smart smart enough figure make happy really smart tell night day smarter right nothing show think everyone get way shape form trust anyone think agenda serve anyone truly selfless rambling ramble focus focus writing focus focus focus handed dealt card ha instruction life purpose even waste time win lottery hide behind money least able thing make happy constrained money would really happy think would better would lucky win lottery stronger people deserve luck figment imagination string pulled divine supreme power might say drug right think like mind work think blessing curse even read becoming long quick reader think interesting short anyone take seriously writing writing want get better want better answer make answer hope get tell lie belittle people get life feel like people people coming punish wrong afraid consequence pressured everyone right thing maybe governs people everyone act many question care mine right maybe share someone laugh someone feel empowered someone belittle need better need push better started working thought might get laid look better anyone even going notice shape got laid sort le always found girl need made feel better wear alone going alone rest life least daughter right eventually leave one want around someone depressed want around always hear saying radio tv love anyone love kidding always alone see loving fat ugly stupid value ability love anyone else want use person make feel better doe even make sense connecting anyone circulating around reading far possibly keep going maybe still feel like going finger starting hurt feel little better thing bottled inside maybe pretending type imaginary audience thing worry worry paying bill good financial stuff ok still worry worry right thing worry people think ridiculous worry right worry spelling spell check worry sleeping day daughter could hurt 2 also worry going grow think slept time know wa 3am writing stupid paper thing worry fault worry making good impression people around want alone people around family right seem piss everyone else piss pushing people away hurt excuse worry getting accident able take care responsibility worry someone else burden want hinder someone else life inability love one problem people want help getting paid someone decided wa good business make money others suffering cancer maybe much definitely post anywhere worry getting morning last day worry pile something take back think daughter worry trapped life circumstance long time afraid take leap faith try make life better worry anything everything care anyone daughter truly life real thing care innocent contaminating life though negative thinking rubbing like hope see negative everything think fast think pace figure shit worry situation think way truly worry everything daughter pushed school well think mother want school ready think mom want take care want push school someone else must deal seems young start preschool mind care much ex wife think maybe deal rest life like going away talk court see unfit parent lose daughter want feel like ex wife ha life together mine falling apart underneath maybe hiding like trying one writing stick feeling want lose daughter everything feeling like movement chess board moment going get check mated even us term like anymore apparently worry going care daughter around worry fall something save literally figuratively worry life pointless think smile watch video make happy worry burden people one want deal try hide feel good anything good enough feel lonesome tired afraid beaten many struggle much mind emotionless defeated unintelligent worthless hopeless think like depression,depression,user 1522,11920,13,user 1522 thought 30 year old depressed guy afraid well afraid thing think regular basis worry daughter taken away crazy ex wife worry daughter think think goal ambition right make enough money outshine ex wife want thing worried everything go wrong want start business successful afraid failure getting stuck right back like resetting whole life worry going get cancer addicted chewing tobacco want stop daughter sake want influence life told bad worry alone rest life seem find anyone love shallow think anyone 150 lb pretty sleep mind race race night thing flow mind worry looking successful people around hold back want show unsuccessful right feel like failure worthless person thing get really really tough thought daughter would raise pressure around right thing tremendous right thing right thing everyone think socially acceptable right thing think right people think thing wrong make right think thing past could done differently point change dwell need even worry worry going pay thing lose va disability want go va appointment feel reinforces fact messed come excuse go try reason ok go also distance away waste 2 hour day sitting home nothing helpful go appointment lie doc 15 min telling every thing ok take med take med 1 hate taking medication every day 2 like think taking help took might writing know need better work dead end job ha future pawn someone else business story want make money know go one telling go afraid start anything fail want waste time something time taken unforeseen event worry unforeseen event even see coming life messed worried something may may happen sit typing looking baby monitor telling need better daughter example setting anything life thought whole life planned boom world rocked unhealthy relationship everyone saw everyone told girl everyone told needed leave cliché look spell cliché something going read sound loved least thought wa love wa ready spend life went fucked two people know many others blamed thought affair affair write hoping feeling leave body worry anymore long going last really going help maybe post reddit website become famous ha kidding nobody middle age man ha handed fucked life get fucked people life doe mine hurt bad maybe stuck materialistic thing want hide behind like nice truck nice one want smart enough burry debt looming content nothing afraid everything tell meant know get smart smart enough figure make happy really smart tell night day smarter right nothing show think everyone get way shape form trust anyone think agenda serve anyone truly selfless rambling ramble focus focus writing focus focus focus handed dealt card ha instruction life purpose even waste time win lottery hide behind money least able thing make happy constrained money would really happy think would better would lucky win lottery stronger people deserve luck figment imagination string pulled divine supreme power might say drug right think like mind work think blessing curse even read becoming long quick reader think interesting short anyone take seriously writing writing want get better want better answer make answer hope get tell lie belittle people get life feel like people people coming punish wrong afraid consequence pressured everyone right thing maybe governs people everyone act many question care mine right maybe share someone laugh someone feel empowered someone belittle need better need push better started working thought might get laid look better anyone even going notice shape got laid sort le always found girl need made feel better wear alone going alone rest life least daughter right eventually leave one want around someone depressed want around always hear saying radio tv love anyone love kidding always alone see loving fat ugly stupid value ability love anyone else want use person make feel better doe even make sense connecting anyone circulating around reading far possibly keep going maybe still feel like going finger starting hurt feel little better thing bottled inside maybe pretending type imaginary audience thing worry worry paying bill good financial stuff ok still worry worry right thing worry people think ridiculous worry right worry spelling spell check worry sleeping day daughter could hurt 2 also worry going grow think slept time know wa 3am writing stupid paper thing worry fault worry making good impression people around want alone people around family right seem piss everyone else piss pushing people away hurt excuse worry getting accident able take care responsibility worry someone else burden want hinder someone else life inability love one problem people want help getting paid someone decided wa good business make money others suffering cancer maybe much definitely post anywhere worry getting morning last day worry pile something take back think daughter worry trapped life circumstance long time afraid take leap faith try make life better worry anything everything care anyone daughter truly life real thing care innocent contaminating life though negative thinking rubbing like hope see negative everything think fast think pace figure shit worry situation think way truly worry everything daughter pushed school well think mother want school ready think mom want take care want push school someone else must deal seems young start preschool mind care much ex wife think maybe deal rest life like going away talk court see unfit parent lose daughter want feel like ex wife ha life together mine falling apart underneath maybe hiding like trying one writing stick feeling want lose daughter everything feeling like movement chess board moment going get check mated even us term like anymore apparently worry going care daughter around worry fall something save literally figuratively worry life pointless think smile watch video make happy worry burden people one want deal try hide feel good anything good enough feel lonesome tired afraid beaten many struggle much mind emotionless defeated unintelligent worthless hopeless think like depression depression
I isolate myself when I crave interaction.,"I feel pretty down every month or so, very down. I usually feel self hate and loneliness. I desperately crave feeling loved and cared about, and I have the urge to talk to people I'm close to, but all I end up doing is isolating myself, depriving myself of what I want, and then feel worse. It pushes people away.

Does anyone else isolate themselves and bottle up what they are feeling? Anyone know why I do it?
(Note: I have never seen a therapist and probably won't go either. I can't afford a therapist anyways)",Shells23,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0lyh/i_isolate_myself_when_i_crave_interaction/,feel pretty every month usually feel self hate loneliness desperately crave feeling loved cared urge talk people close end isolating depriving want feel worse push people away doe anyone else isolate bottle feeling anyone know note never seen therapist probably go either afford therapist anyways,isolate crave interaction,shell 23,515,42,shell 23 feel pretty every month usually feel self hate loneliness desperately crave feeling loved cared urge talk people close end isolating depriving want feel worse push people away doe anyone else isolate bottle feeling anyone know note never seen therapist probably go either afford therapist anyways isolate crave interaction
How to help a loved one to talk about how they're feeling?,"I have someone who is depressed and well she cannot talk easily to me about it. She used to but now it's harder for her. I tell her it's okay to talk to me about it, it won't change anything between us but she says no. That she'll hurt me by telling me what she feels. I tell her that it's okay to hurt me I can handle it. 
I don't really know what to do about it and why does she find it hard to talk to me. I do my best not to hurt her in any way.
She thinks that she'll lose me if she said anything.
A bit of advice would be appreciated.",bored_guy32,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fean4s/how_to_help_a_loved_one_to_talk_about_how_theyre/,someone depressed well cannot talk easily used harder tell okay talk change anything u say hurt telling feel tell okay hurt handle really know doe find hard talk best hurt way think lose said anything bit advice would appreciated,help loved one talk feeling,bored guy 32,540,58,bored guy 32 someone depressed well cannot talk easily used harder tell okay talk change anything u say hurt telling feel tell okay hurt handle really know doe find hard talk best hurt way think lose said anything bit advice would appreciated help loved one talk feeling
Will delete later but how do you know when to see a doctor?,"I don’t think I’m depressed, I don’t know at all really.. I don’t want to think about it but all I feel now is absolutely shit about myself constantly. I don’t have any positive thoughts about myself what so ever, I’m also very hard on myself and I punish myself in a way I shouldn’t. I don’t like speaking about this to anyone because it sounds like I’m asking for attention, my question is When do you know you need to go to a doctor and get in anti depressants? Or whatever",mmmmmel_,12,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9oj5/will_delete_later_but_how_do_you_know_when_to_see/,think depressed know really want think feel absolutely shit constantly positive thought ever also hard punish way like speaking anyone sound like asking attention question know need go doctor get anti depressant whatever,delete later know see doctor,mm mm mel,476,59,mm mm mel think depressed know really want think feel absolutely shit constantly positive thought ever also hard punish way like speaking anyone sound like asking attention question know need go doctor get anti depressant whatever delete later know see doctor
Essential Oils?,"I am not sure if this is allowed so take down if it isn't, but has anyone tried essential oils for their depression/anxiety? If so, has it worked for you? I do not respond to therapy or meds so I am running out of options for managing all of it.",Meggo_my_Eggo4,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febo4x/essential_oils/,sure allowed take ha anyone tried essential oil depression anxiety ha worked respond therapy med running option managing,essential oil,meg go egg 4,245,15,meg go egg 4 sure allowed take ha anyone tried essential oil depression anxiety ha worked respond therapy med running option managing essential oil
Can someone recommend good qualities in therapist that i can spot early on?,emptypost,eito_8,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe72k9/can_someone_recommend_good_qualities_in_therapist/,emptypost,someone recommend good quality therapist spot early,ei 8,9,75,ei 8 emptypost someone recommend good quality therapist spot early
"I’m a pos, and you’re a pos too.","Perhaps I’m just playing the victim, but life has been pretty shitty lately and I’m spinning circles in my head. Am I the problem? Are all of the situations I find myself in, woven by me? Am I the diabolical monster weaving this fucking hell I’m stuck in? I’m so fucking tired of my brain coming to the conclusion that I am the victim. I’m tired. Some how it’s your fault that I’m codependent. It’s your fault that my choice in men has always been the worst. I mean, it has to be your fault that I married at 19, to the only person stupid enough to say yes. It has to be your fault that I’m four years into a relationship I feel has no escape. I’m drowning and I have the weight of an entire second person tugging at my feet. I fucking blinked and here I am. Years older but my brain feels like it hasn’t evolved in the slightest. Still easily disturbed and hurt. Still putting all my trust into one person just to be let down. Just to come to the harsh realization that they are human too, they make mistakes too. I know, I know… Everyone fucks up, but why does it feel like the world is ending when the people that mean the most to me fall short of my unrealistic expectations? Why do I feel ridiculously deceived? Surely I am their whole entire life, surely their world revolves around me. Why do I get stuck with these insecure, unsure thoughts rolling and crashing in my head. Surely it’s your fault, of course. I mean you were supposed to be the only man that never left. You were supposed to be the one that held me when I was let down. You were supposed to show me that I deserve more than what my taste lusts for. I’m sorry you never had that either. I’m sorry no one ever showed you right from wrong and I’m sorry no one held you when your heart was broken. 

I just don’t know what to do now. I keep trying to stay in a rational state of mind and stray away from the path that was paved for me. It just so hard when I keep playing the victim.",numberonepos,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febmos/im_a_pos_and_youre_a_pos_too/,perhaps playing victim life ha pretty shitty lately spinning circle head problem situation find woven diabolical monster weaving fucking hell stuck fucking tired brain coming conclusion victim tired fault codependent fault choice men ha always worst mean ha fault married 19 person stupid enough say yes ha fault four year relationship feel ha escape drowning weight entire second person tugging foot fucking blinked year older brain feel like evolved slightest still easily disturbed hurt still putting trust one person let come harsh realization human make mistake know know everyone fuck doe feel like world ending people mean fall short unrealistic expectation feel ridiculously deceived surely whole entire life surely world revolves around get stuck insecure unsure thought rolling crashing head surely fault course mean supposed man never left supposed one held wa let supposed show deserve taste lust sorry never either sorry one ever showed right wrong sorry one held heart wa broken know keep trying stay rational state mind stray away path wa paved hard keep playing victim,po po,number one po,1953,32,number one po perhaps playing victim life ha pretty shitty lately spinning circle head problem situation find woven diabolical monster weaving fucking hell stuck fucking tired brain coming conclusion victim tired fault codependent fault choice men ha always worst mean ha fault married 19 person stupid enough say yes ha fault four year relationship feel ha escape drowning weight entire second person tugging foot fucking blinked year older brain feel like evolved slightest still easily disturbed hurt still putting trust one person let come harsh realization human make mistake know know everyone fuck doe feel like world ending people mean fall short unrealistic expectation feel ridiculously deceived surely whole entire life surely world revolves around get stuck insecure unsure thought rolling crashing head surely fault course mean supposed man never left supposed one held wa let supposed show deserve taste lust sorry never either sorry one ever showed right wrong sorry one held heart wa broken know keep trying stay rational state mind stray away path wa paved hard keep playing victim po po
I’m so exhausted and scared,"Hey guys. Last week, i went through the roughest day that ocd has ever thrown at me, which pushed me to finally tell my mom that I was going through severe anxiety (OCD) and I didn’t know what to do anymore.

I can’t walk down the street without worrying about whether or not I knocked someone over without realizing it, or bumped someone into the road without realizing it, or worrying about a rabid animal biting me without realizing it and dying from rabies, or worrying about stepping on a needle infected with HIV, or worrying about a homeless person infecting me with HIV/something worse without me realizing it.

I can’t drive without worrying about whether I hit a pedestrian without realizing it on that right turn, or that left turn, or if that green light was really green or did I just run a red light and run over a pedestrian crossing without realizing it?

I can’t get near moving water without worrying about the brain eating amoeba. If I get splashed in the face, Ill freak out internally for the rest of the day. I can’t eat food without worrying about it being poisoned or worrying about tapeworms.

I can’t have a basic conversation without worrying about whether something I say will come back to haunt me

I KNOW these things are stupid and will probably never happen, but my brain keeps on throwing me the “what if?” and I won’t be able to move on. I’ll even get physically affected by my anxiety- my eyes will burn and it will get harder to breathe

Anyway, my mom set up an appointment for a psychiatrist (I’m 18 and I’m still not smart enough/have enough money to set one up myself, I feel worthless already, pls don’t remind me) and I went there today.

The guy seemed like a good guy and everything, and made me sign paperwork as I was talking to him and everything, and everything was cool. On the way out, my mom asked the guy how much the bill would be, and he said it would be around 300 dollars for the first visit and around 150 for every visit after that.

I’ve been so upset ever since. I feel so bad. I told my mom I didn’t feel good going to a psychiatrist if it would be that expensive, but she’s super super supportive and insists on me getting help (she goes through anxiety too, to a lesser extent).

Then, my brain got the idea that what if the papers the guy made me sign was really a contract that would come back to haunt me later (ex-what if I signed away part of my future income,etc.) it sounds so stupid and it is. My brain just sees everything as a threat and is stuck in a perpetual fight or flight mode

Anyway, I don’t know what to do. I feel Iike for the past eight months I’ve just been a drain on my parents and everyone around me. All I am is a burden that can’t even make myself happy. I feel like if I don’t go to anymore appointments with this psychiatrist, I’ll have thrown away 300 bucks of my mom’s money for no reason, but if I do go to another appointment with him, I’ll cost her 150 a pop. I feel like I’m taking advantage of people and I feel like I’m too stupid to get my act together. I just want to be able to be happy again and have peace of mind. I’ve watched myself literally go nuts and I don’t know what to do anymore. To add to it, this is all in my head. I can’t even tell reality from obsession anymore. This whole battle that I’ve fought for the last eight months is all in my head. I’m not doing anything productive by fighting OCD. I’m just wasting my time and I feel like ocd is just my excuse for being worthless. I just feel so hopeless and guilty.",Captain-RDOG,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feagms/im_so_exhausted_and_scared/,hey guy last week went roughest day ocd ha ever thrown pushed finally tell mom wa going severe anxiety ocd know anymore walk street without worrying whether knocked someone without realizing bumped someone road without realizing worrying rabid animal biting without realizing dying rabies worrying stepping needle infected hiv worrying homeless person infecting hiv something worse without realizing drive without worrying whether hit pedestrian without realizing right turn left turn green light wa really green run red light run pedestrian crossing without realizing get near moving water without worrying brain eating amoeba get splashed face ill freak internally rest day eat food without worrying poisoned worrying tapeworm basic conversation without worrying whether something say come back haunt know thing stupid probably never happen brain keep throwing able move even get physically affected anxiety eye burn get harder breathe anyway mom set appointment psychiatrist 18 still smart enough enough money set one feel worthless already pls remind went today guy seemed like good guy everything made sign paperwork wa talking everything everything wa cool way mom asked guy much bill would said would around 300 dollar first visit around 150 every visit upset ever since feel bad told mom feel good going psychiatrist would expensive super super supportive insists getting help go anxiety lesser extent brain got idea paper guy made sign wa really contract would come back haunt later ex signed away part future income etc sound stupid brain see everything threat stuck perpetual fight flight mode anyway know feel iike past eight month drain parent everyone around burden even make happy feel like go anymore appointment psychiatrist thrown away 300 buck mom money reason go another appointment cost 150 pop feel like taking advantage people feel like stupid get act together want able happy peace mind watched literally go nut know anymore add head even tell reality obsession anymore whole battle fought last eight month head anything productive fighting ocd wasting time feel like ocd excuse worthless feel hopeless guilty,exhausted scared,captain r dog,3533,27,captain r dog hey guy last week went roughest day ocd ha ever thrown pushed finally tell mom wa going severe anxiety ocd know anymore walk street without worrying whether knocked someone without realizing bumped someone road without realizing worrying rabid animal biting without realizing dying rabies worrying stepping needle infected hiv worrying homeless person infecting hiv something worse without realizing drive without worrying whether hit pedestrian without realizing right turn left turn green light wa really green run red light run pedestrian crossing without realizing get near moving water without worrying brain eating amoeba get splashed face ill freak internally rest day eat food without worrying poisoned worrying tapeworm basic conversation without worrying whether something say come back haunt know thing stupid probably never happen brain keep throwing able move even get physically affected anxiety eye burn get harder breathe anyway mom set appointment psychiatrist 18 still smart enough enough money set one feel worthless already pls remind went today guy seemed like good guy everything made sign paperwork wa talking everything everything wa cool way mom asked guy much bill would said would around 300 dollar first visit around 150 every visit upset ever since feel bad told mom feel good going psychiatrist would expensive super super supportive insists getting help go anxiety lesser extent brain got idea paper guy made sign wa really contract would come back haunt later ex signed away part future income etc sound stupid brain see everything threat stuck perpetual fight flight mode anyway know feel iike past eight month drain parent everyone around burden even make happy feel like go anymore appointment psychiatrist thrown away 300 buck mom money reason go another appointment cost 150 pop feel like taking advantage people feel like stupid get act together want able happy peace mind watched literally go nut know anymore add head even tell reality obsession anymore whole battle fought last eight month head anything productive fighting ocd wasting time feel like ocd excuse worthless feel hopeless guilty exhausted scared
I’m sad and I don’t know why I’m sad,"I thought all my problems were settled but no. I guess depression is like cancer, there’s no cure to it. I feel sad, anxious, nervous and still have panic attacks. What’s wrong with me",dabomb122,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febl11/im_sad_and_i_dont_know_why_im_sad/,thought problem settled guess depression like cancer cure feel sad anxious nervous still panic attack wrong,sad know sad,da bomb 122,184,36,da bomb 122 thought problem settled guess depression like cancer cure feel sad anxious nervous still panic attack wrong sad know sad
How do you find motivation to keep trying,"I know that life eventually gets better.. But all I can think about recently is how much I want to die.. 

I went to the park a few weeks ago and there is this giant bridge there that leads across the river and I could only think about jumping off of it.. 

I would never actually do it because I know it would destroy my family, but it’s just so hard. So hard to pretend to be happy. 

I’m just so tired of being a fuck up and I feel worthless and I just don’t know what to do. Obviously I need a therapist, but I can’t afford one.",mundane_narwhal,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7ja3/how_do_you_find_motivation_to_keep_trying/,know life eventually get better think recently much want die went park week ago giant bridge lead across river could think jumping would never actually know would destroy family hard hard pretend happy tired fuck feel worthless know obviously need therapist afford one,find motivation keep trying,mundane narwhal,532,41,mundane narwhal know life eventually get better think recently much want die went park week ago giant bridge lead across river could think jumping would never actually know would destroy family hard hard pretend happy tired fuck feel worthless know obviously need therapist afford one find motivation keep trying
Debated crashing my car while driving today.,I was literally driving my girlfriend to this store and traffic was so insane. I kept getting cut off and people almost hit me. Eventually I just thought “thanks god she’s here because I just wanna drive off this fucking road”. The slightest inconvenience is starting to set me off and it kind of worries me.,huntmason,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febk5t/debated_crashing_my_car_while_driving_today/,wa literally driving girlfriend store traffic wa insane kept getting cut people almost hit eventually thought thanks god wanna drive fucking road slightest inconvenience starting set kind worry,debated crashing car driving today,hunt mason,308,44,hunt mason wa literally driving girlfriend store traffic wa insane kept getting cut people almost hit eventually thought thanks god wanna drive fucking road slightest inconvenience starting set kind worry debated crashing car driving today
I'm unemployed and I have no motivation to find a job,"I'm a 23 year old unemployed woman still living with my mom. I quit my job 3 months ago because of the stress and anxiety it was putting me through. Of late my mental health has worsened a lot and I can't seem to get out of the loop. Everything makes me cry and I don't even feel like going out of my room most days. I go to a psychiatrist and I am on meds but nothing seems to be working. (Ive changed almost 7 therapists/psychiatrists now because my mental health was showing no improvement.) I feel like a parasite, latching on to my mother and aunts for financial support. I want to move out and live independently but I don't even feel anything. I don't feel like doing anything, let alone wanting to work. I constantly worry whether I'm just being lazy and making excuses or whether I genuinely have a problem. I don't want to face people, give interviews or work among other people. Everytime I get a job I end up having panic attacks and excessively stressing out. The thought of having responsibility and knowing that there are certain expectations I have to meet while working, and the constant anxiety of doing badly at my job trouble me so much. I don't want to go through any of this. I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of being taunted by everyone and having to dodge questions about why I'm still unemployed. I feel useless and worthless and I don't know how to get out of this cycle.",lawnsie,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febjer/im_unemployed_and_i_have_no_motivation_to_find_a/,23 year old unemployed woman still living mom quit job 3 month ago stress anxiety wa putting late mental health ha worsened lot seem get loop everything make cry even feel like going room day go psychiatrist med nothing seems working ive changed almost 7 therapist psychiatrist mental health wa showing improvement feel like parasite latching mother aunt financial support want move live independently even feel anything feel like anything let alone wanting work constantly worry whether lazy making excuse whether genuinely problem want face people give interview work among people everytime get job end panic attack excessively stressing thought responsibility knowing certain expectation meet working constant anxiety badly job trouble much want go want want anything tired taunted everyone dodge question still unemployed feel useless worthless know get cycle,unemployed motivation find job,lawn ie,1420,53,lawn ie 23 year old unemployed woman still living mom quit job 3 month ago stress anxiety wa putting late mental health ha worsened lot seem get loop everything make cry even feel like going room day go psychiatrist med nothing seems working ive changed almost 7 therapist psychiatrist mental health wa showing improvement feel like parasite latching mother aunt financial support want move live independently even feel anything feel like anything let alone wanting work constantly worry whether lazy making excuse whether genuinely problem want face people give interview work among people everytime get job end panic attack excessively stressing thought responsibility knowing certain expectation meet working constant anxiety badly job trouble much want go want want anything tired taunted everyone dodge question still unemployed feel useless worthless know get cycle unemployed motivation find job
Depression Gang Rise Up,"See, to start things off I want to say that I dont think I'm depressed, but many of my friends opinions and other things make me worry. I'm not suicidal or do any self harm, just one thing really scares me and that's desensitization. I'm only 14-15 and I haven't felt any heavy feeling in a good 1.5 years now, I feel void. I'm fairly scared of coming out because I feel I wont be taken seriously, I truely have no clue what to do.",II_Fusion,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febiv2/depression_gang_rise_up/,see start thing want say dont think depressed many friend opinion thing make worry suicidal self harm one thing really scare desensitization 14 15 felt heavy feeling good 1 5 year feel void fairly scared coming feel wont taken seriously truely clue,depression gang rise,ii fusion,431,23,ii fusion see start thing want say dont think depressed many friend opinion thing make worry suicidal self harm one thing really scare desensitization 14 15 felt heavy feeling good 1 5 year feel void fairly scared coming feel wont taken seriously truely clue depression gang rise
I wanna quit living,I got abused when I was 7 and I thought it could only get better now everyone either laughs at me and says I’m ugly and a disappointment even my parents say that. Today I got made fun of got called that I look like an ugly horse and a loner by my so called friends I hate school I hate being alive what’s even purpose just to fucking suffer idk how much longer I can hold out,BeastofLuck,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6vhf/i_wanna_quit_living/,got abused wa 7 thought could get better everyone either laugh say ugly disappointment even parent say today got made fun got called look like ugly horse loner called friend hate school hate alive even purpose fucking suffer idk much longer hold,wanna quit living,beast luck,375,19,beast luck got abused wa 7 thought could get better everyone either laugh say ugly disappointment even parent say today got made fun got called look like ugly horse loner called friend hate school hate alive even purpose fucking suffer idk much longer hold wanna quit living
The world is a big disappointment?,"Is it just me or does the world seem to be fucked ever since 2012. I wish the world ended in 2012 so I wouldn't have to deal with all the bullshit that I have been through. 

I'm currently in debt by like $25000, I work a full time job that is dependent on weather and the sea. My job pays well through winter but once summer hits I get paid fuck all. When I fall fully into a depressive/dilussional state of mind. My brain races at 100 miles an hour at all times, every little thing I over analyse. I have seen my only friend go through drug addiction and drug related psychosis. I have seen how life can shit all over you. 

My depression started at an early age because of bullying and lack of friends. Except the one in my life currently, you can't destroy our relationship. I feel like my depression really kicked in when I was around 15 or 16. My friend moved away to another city and I was left all alone. At the time bullying got worse and I made a few acquaintances but no real close friends. When I was 17 I dropped out of school and moved out of my family home. I started to have panic attacks in the shower and that was when I turned to drugs to numb the pain. Xanax was my go to for sedation as I could fight the effects somehow I loved that. Iv been a daily cannabis smoker for most of the time since I was 16 except the times I ran out and couldn't get anymore. I have done lots of psychedelics (u could call me a psychonaut) any sort of alternate reality really. Cannabis helps motivate me to stuff. 

I'm currently 19, still a virgin and struggling with financial situations. I  only just earn enough money every week to cover my bills so I never really buy anything for myself except weed. I can never seem to get ahead of my depression. It's like it just keeps dragging me down. When I'm really depressed I choose to sleep most of the day as sleeping is the only place where I can shut the fuck up. (I have lucid dreams all the time). 

If you actually read this good on you, I'm fucking done with life.",towelie24,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9e27/the_world_is_a_big_disappointment/,doe world seem fucked ever since 2012 wish world ended 2012 deal bullshit currently debt like 25000 work full time job dependent weather sea job pay well winter summer hit get paid fuck fall fully depressive dilussional state mind brain race 100 mile hour time every little thing analyse seen friend go drug addiction drug related psychosis seen life shit depression started early age bullying lack friend except one life currently destroy relationship feel like depression really kicked wa around 15 16 friend moved away another city wa left alone time bullying got worse made acquaintance real close friend wa 17 dropped school moved family home started panic attack shower wa turned drug numb pain xanax wa go sedation could fight effect somehow loved iv daily cannabis smoker time since wa 16 except time ran get anymore done lot psychedelics u could call psychonaut sort alternate reality really cannabis help motivate stuff currently 19 still virgin struggling financial situation earn enough money every week cover bill never really buy anything except weed never seem get ahead depression like keep dragging really depressed choose sleep day sleeping place shut fuck lucid dream time actually read good fucking done life,world big disappointment,towelie 24,2022,34,towelie 24 doe world seem fucked ever since 2012 wish world ended 2012 deal bullshit currently debt like 25000 work full time job dependent weather sea job pay well winter summer hit get paid fuck fall fully depressive dilussional state mind brain race 100 mile hour time every little thing analyse seen friend go drug addiction drug related psychosis seen life shit depression started early age bullying lack friend except one life currently destroy relationship feel like depression really kicked wa around 15 16 friend moved away another city wa left alone time bullying got worse made acquaintance real close friend wa 17 dropped school moved family home started panic attack shower wa turned drug numb pain xanax wa go sedation could fight effect somehow loved iv daily cannabis smoker time since wa 16 except time ran get anymore done lot psychedelics u could call psychonaut sort alternate reality really cannabis help motivate stuff currently 19 still virgin struggling financial situation earn enough money every week cover bill never really buy anything except weed never seem get ahead depression like keep dragging really depressed choose sleep day sleeping place shut fuck lucid dream time actually read good fucking done life world big disappointment
Venting....,"I don’t know where else to go.... I don’t know where else to vent. I’m scared of judgment. I feel like I’m just lonely and attention seeking. I feel like a waste of space. I don’t understand why my boyfriend could love me when I don’t even love myself. I keep a lot of mental health stuff away from him because I’m scared of how he will react. The first time I self harmed I showed my ex and he got angry at me. I wish I never dated that asshole. I wish I never existed. I better off dead but too scared to die. I wish I could manage to starve but I can’t even do thAt right. 269 pounds. Fat ass. I am a fat ass failure who could never get a job. Can’t even stick to trying to learn French. I wanna die but like I said I’m too scared to. I can’t just depend on my boyfriend to keep me happy that’s selfish. He has his own problems. I try my best to listen when he wants to let some feelings out.


Sometimes I feel like he just feels sorry for me.... sometimes I wonder if my friends really care..... if my family even cares.

I think my friends sometimes just think how annoying I am.

I swear I’m better off dead. I’m a burden.... nothing but a waste. 
Why am I here?
Why? 
I’m horrible at writing. Why do I try? I can’t draw for shit so I basically scribble and call it “art” 

I have tried so hard to become better at drawing.... I just can’t do it.

I try to have good and interesting stories.... they are shitty and predictable.

My OCs are all really bad Mary Sues.

Why did you read this? I just wasted your time.... I would think you have better things to do. 

Go ahead bully me.... I don’t care.... rip into me. Call me all the names you want. Call me pathetic. 
I deserve it.",anonaccountgoaway,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedquz/venting/,know else go know else vent scared judgment feel like lonely attention seeking feel like waste space understand boyfriend could love even love keep lot mental health stuff away scared react first time self harmed showed ex got angry wish never dated asshole wish never existed better dead scared die wish could manage starve even right 269 pound fat fat failure could never get job even stick trying learn french wanna die like said scared depend boyfriend keep happy selfish ha problem try best listen want let feeling sometimes feel like feel sorry sometimes wonder friend really care family even care think friend sometimes think annoying swear better dead burden nothing waste horrible writing try draw shit basically scribble call art tried hard become better drawing try good interesting story shitty predictable ocs really bad mary sue read wasted time would think better thing go ahead bully care rip call name want call pathetic deserve,venting,account go away,1687,11,account go away know else go know else vent scared judgment feel like lonely attention seeking feel like waste space understand boyfriend could love even love keep lot mental health stuff away scared react first time self harmed showed ex got angry wish never dated asshole wish never existed better dead scared die wish could manage starve even right 269 pound fat fat failure could never get job even stick trying learn french wanna die like said scared depend boyfriend keep happy selfish ha problem try best listen want let feeling sometimes feel like feel sorry sometimes wonder friend really care family even care think friend sometimes think annoying swear better dead burden nothing waste horrible writing try draw shit basically scribble call art tried hard become better drawing try good interesting story shitty predictable ocs really bad mary sue read wasted time would think better thing go ahead bully care rip call name want call pathetic deserve venting
"Dear people that are here in new to help others, you are heros!","I sounds a bit cliché, but I really mean it. Everybody here in this sub is a hero, but especially the people that help others in the new section. Time to time I also try to do things back and so I know that it can cost a lot of time. I always need to think really hard to write a good comment and I always appreciate it when I get comments on my own posts. I seek mainly for posts that don't have a comment yet, because it gives a terrible feeling to me when I put much time in letting my feelings out in a post and don't know if anybody read it. You guys really help people out a lot and just can't say how much respect I have for everybody here.

I don't care how many people see this, but I just had to say this. Keep your head up!",sprinkleswithice,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2s0h/dear_people_that_are_here_in_new_to_help_others/,sound bit cliché really mean everybody sub hero especially people help others new section time time also try thing back know cost lot time always need think really hard write good comment always appreciate get comment post seek mainly post comment yet give terrible feeling put much time letting feeling post know anybody read guy really help people lot say much respect everybody care many people see say keep head,dear people new help others hero,sprinkle ice,734,63,sprinkle ice sound bit cliché really mean everybody sub hero especially people help others new section time time also try thing back know cost lot time always need think really hard write good comment always appreciate get comment post seek mainly post comment yet give terrible feeling put much time letting feeling post know anybody read guy really help people lot say much respect everybody care many people see say keep head dear people new help others hero
Sleep in peace,"I wish more than anything that I could go to bed tonight and peacefully fall into a forever slumber. No pain, no thought just endless peace. Dreaming about the person I love the most and my family. I wish I could just not wake up tomorrow. For all this pain and never ending sadness to just be over with.",osir1s2,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febckq/sleep_in_peace/,wish anything could go bed tonight peacefully fall forever slumber pain thought endless peace dreaming person love family wish could wake tomorrow pain never ending sadness,sleep peace,sir 1 2,304,14,sir 1 2 wish anything could go bed tonight peacefully fall forever slumber pain thought endless peace dreaming person love family wish could wake tomorrow pain never ending sadness sleep peace
Coming to terms with the temporariness of it all.,"My mood fluctuations have not changed over the past year at all, despite me starting medication. However what I have noticed is that I'm able to contextualise thoughts and feelings a lot easier these days. For example I'm feeling fairly rubbish at the moment, but instead of the thoughts of loneliness and inadequacy I used to get with these feelings, I now just look forward to not feeling like this. It comes in waves and always has done, but I'm feeling it is affecting my productivity a lot less than it used to, obviously I'm more productive when I'm not feeling like this, but by Monday I probably won't feel like this.

I used to have thoughts of ending it, still do sometimes but I'm glad I didn't. I'm much happier now that I know it's not constant. I hope anyone who currently feels as though they're in a trough can see that it won't always be this way, and there are sunnier days ahead.",Redditter_7896435,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febbo3/coming_to_terms_with_the_temporariness_of_it_all/,mood fluctuation changed past year despite starting medication however noticed able contextualise thought feeling lot easier day example feeling fairly rubbish moment instead thought loneliness inadequacy used get feeling look forward feeling like come wave always ha done feeling affecting productivity lot le used obviously productive feeling like monday probably feel like used thought ending still sometimes glad much happier know constant hope anyone currently feel though trough see always way sunnier day ahead,coming term temporariness,reddit ter 7896435,898,49,reddit ter 7896435 mood fluctuation changed past year despite starting medication however noticed able contextualise thought feeling lot easier day example feeling fairly rubbish moment instead thought loneliness inadequacy used get feeling look forward feeling like come wave always ha done feeling affecting productivity lot le used obviously productive feeling like monday probably feel like used thought ending still sometimes glad much happier know constant hope anyone currently feel though trough see always way sunnier day ahead coming term temporariness
We take our victories when we can.,"This is my own personal experiences not a how too or trying in any way to say my life is worse or the way I cope will help anyone else.

It has been a long journey, a fight every day, sometimes we win sometimes we loose.

Looking back 22 years ago, I was never formerly diagnosed with ADHD or Bipolar type 2 effective disorder, was never diagnosed officially as on the higher function autistic spectrum that all came much later.

The umbrella term seemed to be Reactive Depression relating to not only my Fathers death when I was 12 but my Girlfriend/Wife being diagnosed with incurable cancer at 21.

I spent the following 20 years fighting along side my Wife against this horrible illness that slowly destroyed her body until 20th November 2018 a double cardiac arrest with me standing next to her telling the doctors to stop because I knew she wasn't coming back. (her heart was a 14% functionality due to a silent heart attack 13 days beforehand caused by damage done via medication to keep the cancer away which also caused diabetes and kidney failure).

7 days after she died I was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer and spent that Christmas in hospital having 40% of my bowels removed (I have nodules on my lungs they are keeping an eye on).

Being in the same hospital as Paola died 6 weeks beforehand plus certain pain medication caused hallucinations and the beginning of my diagnosis of PTSD.

No family because my mum by this time was in a care home in late stages of early onset dementia.

It felt like the universe was just hitting me with punch after punch just to see how many times I could stand back up.

6 months on no one visiting so outside contact, I was on suicide watch and Samaritans help line actually called me weekly to see if I was still around, I had a plan to end my life, my logic boiling down to the following two points.

If I end my life and that is the end then I am in no more pain.

If I end my life and there is something after I am with Paola.

Had a plan, even down to writing a script that would send out emails to my Doctor and Psychologist so professionals found my body not my neighbors, my dogs had a forever home setup and I was visiting all the forums and communities saying goodbye to all the games me and Wife had played.

I was in a very dark place and the only light was an oncoming train which was either ""cancer comes back"" or ""A life without my best friend)

Everything was black and grey, nothing felt real to me and even when they told me 73% chance my bowel cancer wasn't coming back I couldn't smile and be happy.

**What changed ?**

One of the last places that I was going to visit was the game The Division, it had many good memories of us both exploring, shooting out windows, messing around, I did a walk through saying goodbye to my wife, and as I logged off an advertisement for The Division 2 came up and I thought to myself, ""lets see what mess they have made"" ""No reason to keep my money if I am going to end things"" So I bought the most expensive pack, downloaded it and logged on.

Something amazing happened, the next morning I wanted to log back on, I hadn't gamed since Paola had died, I hadn't interacted, talked or blown anything up.

A few days later I wrote a reddit post on that forum thanking the developers for saving my life.

The response was amazing and people started saying why don't you go on youtube, on twitch, why don't you talk about your experiences, mental health, cancer, diabetes, dialysis, heart disease, why don't you tell the world about how gaming helped you.

My response was ""what have I got to loose"", I watched my wife die, could anything anyone said about me making a fool of myself online ever come close to this.

I bought a mic, I bought a webcam, I did cooking videos, vlogs, streaming and those victories really helped me go from day to day.

I never missed a day at least 1 video every single day went up on youtube and twitch.

I have close to 500 followers on Youtube, close to 1000 on Twitch, others follow me on Facebook, Reddit and Mixer, I now multi stream to all 4 main places.

Am I still broken yes, I am classed as severely disabled, some days It takes me coming down stairs 3 times for me remembering to brush my teeth or do laundry.

I spend a lot of time in VR Beat Saber, SkyrimVr and others, Valve sent me a Valve index with no strings attached, after reading one of my posts (both me and Paola were involved in VR since 2016 due to her disabilities it was wonderful).

VR is an amazing tool for fighting depression, the complete immersion of being within a game be it a horror, a rhythm game (I have no rhythm), or fantasy, can help switch your mind to a world where life makes more sense.

My Senior Psychologist and 2 of my specialists have signed off on me all feeling that Gaming, VR and my Vlogging actually have given me a level of existence and a place to be.

I still suffer from depression but this is how I cope, I still need post it notes on my walls to remember changing clothes, washing and shaving.",Quebber,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fedff4/we_take_our_victories_when_we_can/,personal experience trying way say life worse way cope help anyone else ha long journey fight every day sometimes win sometimes loose looking back 22 year ago wa never formerly diagnosed adhd bipolar type 2 effective disorder wa never diagnosed officially higher function autistic spectrum came much later umbrella term seemed reactive depression relating father death wa 12 girlfriend wife diagnosed incurable cancer 21 spent following 20 year fighting along side wife horrible illness slowly destroyed body 20th november 2018 double cardiac arrest standing next telling doctor stop knew coming back heart wa 14 functionality due silent heart attack 13 day beforehand caused damage done via medication keep cancer away also caused diabetes kidney failure 7 day died wa diagnosed bowel cancer spent christmas hospital 40 bowel removed nodule lung keeping eye hospital paola died 6 week beforehand plus certain pain medication caused hallucination beginning diagnosis ptsd family mum time wa care home late stage early onset dementia felt like universe wa hitting punch punch see many time could stand back 6 month one visiting outside contact wa suicide watch samaritan help line actually called weekly see wa still around plan end life logic boiling following two point end life end pain end life something paola plan even writing script would send email doctor psychologist professional found body neighbor dog forever home setup wa visiting forum community saying goodbye game wife played wa dark place light wa oncoming train wa either cancer come back life without best friend everything wa black grey nothing felt real even told 73 chance bowel cancer coming back smile happy changed one last place wa going visit wa game division many good memory u exploring shooting window messing around walk saying goodbye wife logged advertisement division 2 came thought let see mess made reason keep money going end thing bought expensive pack downloaded logged something amazing happened next morning wanted log back gamed since paola died interacted talked blown anything day later wrote reddit post forum thanking developer saving life response wa amazing people started saying go youtube twitch talk experience mental health cancer diabetes dialysis heart disease tell world gaming helped response wa got loose watched wife die could anything anyone said making fool online ever come close bought mic bought webcam cooking video vlogs streaming victory really helped go day day never missed day least 1 video every single day went youtube twitch close 500 follower youtube close 1000 twitch others follow facebook reddit mixer multi stream 4 main place still broken yes classed severely disabled day take coming stair 3 time remembering brush teeth laundry spend lot time vr beat saber skyrimvr others valve sent valve index string attached reading one post paola involved vr since 2016 due disability wa wonderful vr amazing tool fighting depression complete immersion within game horror rhythm game rhythm fantasy help switch mind world life make sense senior psychologist 2 specialist signed feeling gaming vr vlogging actually given level existence place still suffer depression cope still need post note wall remember changing clothes washing shaving,take victory,que b ber,5031,34,que b ber personal experience trying way say life worse way cope help anyone else ha long journey fight every day sometimes win sometimes loose looking back 22 year ago wa never formerly diagnosed adhd bipolar type 2 effective disorder wa never diagnosed officially higher function autistic spectrum came much later umbrella term seemed reactive depression relating father death wa 12 girlfriend wife diagnosed incurable cancer 21 spent following 20 year fighting along side wife horrible illness slowly destroyed body 20th november 2018 double cardiac arrest standing next telling doctor stop knew coming back heart wa 14 functionality due silent heart attack 13 day beforehand caused damage done via medication keep cancer away also caused diabetes kidney failure 7 day died wa diagnosed bowel cancer spent christmas hospital 40 bowel removed nodule lung keeping eye hospital paola died 6 week beforehand plus certain pain medication caused hallucination beginning diagnosis ptsd family mum time wa care home late stage early onset dementia felt like universe wa hitting punch punch see many time could stand back 6 month one visiting outside contact wa suicide watch samaritan help line actually called weekly see wa still around plan end life logic boiling following two point end life end pain end life something paola plan even writing script would send email doctor psychologist professional found body neighbor dog forever home setup wa visiting forum community saying goodbye game wife played wa dark place light wa oncoming train wa either cancer come back life without best friend everything wa black grey nothing felt real even told 73 chance bowel cancer coming back smile happy changed one last place wa going visit wa game division many good memory u exploring shooting window messing around walk saying goodbye wife logged advertisement division 2 came thought let see mess made reason keep money going end thing bought expensive pack downloaded logged something amazing happened next morning wanted log back gamed since paola died interacted talked blown anything day later wrote reddit post forum thanking developer saving life response wa amazing people started saying go youtube twitch talk experience mental health cancer diabetes dialysis heart disease tell world gaming helped response wa got loose watched wife die could anything anyone said making fool online ever come close bought mic bought webcam cooking video vlogs streaming victory really helped go day day never missed day least 1 video every single day went youtube twitch close 500 follower youtube close 1000 twitch others follow facebook reddit mixer multi stream 4 main place still broken yes classed severely disabled day take coming stair 3 time remembering brush teeth laundry spend lot time vr beat saber skyrimvr others valve sent valve index string attached reading one post paola involved vr since 2016 due disability wa wonderful vr amazing tool fighting depression complete immersion within game horror rhythm game rhythm fantasy help switch mind world life make sense senior psychologist 2 specialist signed feeling gaming vr vlogging actually given level existence place still suffer depression cope still need post note wall remember changing clothes washing shaving take victory
I Don’t Care About Living Anymore,"Over the past few months, my depression and social anxiety have spiraled out of control. At the end of my junior year of high school I had a really bad breakup and lost all my friends causing me to start self harming and isolating myself from everyone. Thankfully, this acquaintance I had took time out of his day to make music with me at lunch. It really meant a lot to me. He was the only friend I really had at the time. I had hung out with his friends a couple times before throughout high school, so I started playing video games with some of them. Eventually during the summer I got really close to them, and I became a part of their friend group. They really brought me out of that dark hole of depression, and I had never loved a group of friends more in my entire life. I had and still am going through extreme social anxiety, but helped me become more confident in myself and alleviated that a bunch. In the beginning of senior year I hung out with them after-school basically everyday, and it was the happiest I’d ever been. 

I don’t want to get into details but then something changed. A bunch of the group dynamics changed that made me felt inferior. I thought they thought I wasn’t as funny anymore, and was more weird and awkward. I reverted back to the state I was in with my previous girlfriend, and I started to worry incessantly that I would be abandoned by them. My mindset about the group also changed. I felt like I had to constantly meet their standards and entertain them or else they would abandon me. This has made socializing with them more of a grueling chore than a fun experience. I’ve isolated myself from them a lot, and I even feel a bit of anger towards them. 

There are these events that happen that make me feel like they think I’m weird, awkward, unfunny, and annoying, so I constantly try to change myself. I try to be less talkative, and apply a tight filter to what I say. I hate who I am. I can’t live with myself. I feel like everyone I interact with thinks I’m all of those things, and I can’t stand it. I hate everything about myself. My voice, the way I pronounce things, my mannerisms, my sense of humor, my conversations with people, everything. I can’t take it anymore.

Right now I’m on 50 mg Zoloft. Tonight I’m going to trip on 300 mg robotussin gels. There’s a possibility I could experience extreme even fatal side effects due to serotonin syndrome, but I don’t care anymore. I just want to be taken out of this reality for a while. It’s not even that I’m suicidal. I’m not trying to kill myself. But if that’s what ends up happening, I don’t care. I just don’t want to be here.",veelively,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feddpq/i_dont_care_about_living_anymore/,past month depression social anxiety spiraled control end junior year high school really bad breakup lost friend causing start self harming isolating everyone thankfully acquaintance took time day make music lunch really meant lot wa friend really time hung friend couple time throughout high school started playing video game eventually summer got really close became part friend group really brought dark hole depression never loved group friend entire life still going extreme social anxiety helped become confident alleviated bunch beginning senior year hung school basically everyday wa happiest ever want get detail something changed bunch group dynamic changed made felt inferior thought thought funny anymore wa weird awkward reverted back state wa previous girlfriend started worry incessantly would abandoned mindset group also changed felt like constantly meet standard entertain else would abandon ha made socializing grueling chore fun experience isolated lot even feel bit anger towards event happen make feel like think weird awkward unfunny annoying constantly try change try le talkative apply tight filter say hate live feel like everyone interact think thing stand hate everything voice way pronounce thing mannerism sense humor conversation people everything take anymore right 50 mg zoloft tonight going trip 300 mg robotussin gel possibility could experience extreme even fatal side effect due serotonin syndrome care anymore want taken reality even suicidal trying kill end happening care want,care living anymore,vee lively,2633,33,vee lively past month depression social anxiety spiraled control end junior year high school really bad breakup lost friend causing start self harming isolating everyone thankfully acquaintance took time day make music lunch really meant lot wa friend really time hung friend couple time throughout high school started playing video game eventually summer got really close became part friend group really brought dark hole depression never loved group friend entire life still going extreme social anxiety helped become confident alleviated bunch beginning senior year hung school basically everyday wa happiest ever want get detail something changed bunch group dynamic changed made felt inferior thought thought funny anymore wa weird awkward reverted back state wa previous girlfriend started worry incessantly would abandoned mindset group also changed felt like constantly meet standard entertain else would abandon ha made socializing grueling chore fun experience isolated lot even feel bit anger towards event happen make feel like think weird awkward unfunny annoying constantly try change try le talkative apply tight filter say hate live feel like everyone interact think thing stand hate everything voice way pronounce thing mannerism sense humor conversation people everything take anymore right 50 mg zoloft tonight going trip 300 mg robotussin gel possibility could experience extreme even fatal side effect due serotonin syndrome care anymore want taken reality even suicidal trying kill end happening care want care living anymore
"My parents don't take my suicidal thoughts seriously, and my friends act like I'm invisible. I don't know what to do anymore.","Hi, I'm an eighth grader at a magnet school. I have ADD (attention deficit disorder), symptoms of depression, and I'm suicidal. For the past 3 years I've slowly been less and less motivated to do anything, even what I enjoy. I just want to go to sleep forever and forget about all the stress of school and a difficult social life. I get very stressed over school as the stakes go up, and my mom is constantly reminding me that I'll be a failure if I get too many B's. It doesn't help that my friends began ignoring me more and more when we started middle school with new, better people to hang out with than me. I'm treated like a tag-along now. My former best friends only talk to me and listen when they're bored and nobody else is there to talk to. I started having thoughts of suicide near the end of seventh grade, but it's really gotten worse this year as more is expected of me and my friends cast me further away. 
I decided to finally talk to someone this year, since my previous hints of needing help went unnoticed by my mom. On a day where I felt very low mentally, I told my mom I was suicidal. I broke down crying, and she hugged me. However, she said, ""Don't EVER even think about killing yourself. Do you know what that would do to me?"" I was a little upset about her reaction, as she seemed more concerned about herself. But I kept telling her more. I told her about how I thought I had depression, and she dismissed it as ""stress"" and said it would stop if i started to be positive. I was taken aback by this. I love my mother a lot, but she's never been good at giving advice or helping with my mental health. I got mad at her and began yelling about her never understanding or helping with my feelings. I was a little too extreme, but the anger was not irrational. She yelled back something about her trying to help with the grief counselor (1. She didn't help very much. 2. She was there to help us deal with grief over a family death, and she didn't help with my suicidalness). What made me feel worthless was when she yelled, ""What do you want me to do about it?"" and told her I wanted her there for me to talk to and she went on about my grades, what have I told you, learn to deal with your emotions better,  etc. I ran off crying to continue my homework. A few minutes later she came in with her phone and my dad was on a call. She had told him. She was mad about me not focusing on my homework and I needed to hurry it up and finish and stop crying. I kept crying, upset she didn't help, and a few minutes later my dad arrives. He was upset that I wasn't working on the project and ""wasting time"". I kept crying until he started yelling to stop crying. I stopped, tears welling in my eyes. I love my dad too, but he can't control his anger very well, and he follows his parent's ways of discipline, which is what he grew up with. As he lectured me I started clawing my arm to calm myself like I always do. He noticed me leaving scars on my arm and got angrier. He told me to stop and said this: ""Do you want me to do it for you?"" This really upset me, but I said nothing to avoid an argument. He got me to finish the project. He said he cared about me and loved me, and he left. No discussion of my mental state. My mom called him when i started crying later and he wasn't mad this time. He told me to go to sleep and feel better. I didn't feel better when I slept.
I just needed to get all that out.... I've been considering suicide a lot, and I know there's ""help everywhere"" like hotlines and such, but it won't help. I need people I care about to talk to. I lost my grandma in December of 2018 to cancer. She listened and cared. I have no one I know of now. My friends don't listen, and I feel like they think I talk about sad stuff too much. I just need to know what to do, because I honestly don't know anymore. The people I care about most can't help me, and I feel worthless. I never know what to talk about, and when i get to talk for once, my friends look at me different than they do at other friends. They look lost, bored, and like they want me to hurry up and get it over with. Then they go back to talking to the other people. I just need some advice... if you read this whole vent then you are an amazing person and I hope you have a wonderful day.",LynxxArt,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9zs9/my_parents_dont_take_my_suicidal_thoughts/,hi eighth grader magnet school add attention deficit disorder symptom depression suicidal past 3 year slowly le le motivated anything even enjoy want go sleep forever forget stress school difficult social life get stressed school stake go mom constantly reminding failure get many b help friend began ignoring started middle school new better people hang treated like tag along former best friend talk listen bored nobody else talk started thought suicide near end seventh grade really gotten worse year expected friend cast away decided finally talk someone year since previous hint needing help went unnoticed mom day felt low mentally told mom wa suicidal broke cry hugged however said ever even think killing know would wa little upset reaction seemed concerned kept telling told thought depression dismissed stress said would stop started positive wa taken aback love mother lot never good giving advice helping mental health got mad began yelling never understanding helping feeling wa little extreme anger wa irrational yelled back something trying help grief counselor 1 help much 2 wa help u deal grief family death help suicidalness made feel worthless wa yelled want told wanted talk went grade told learn deal emotion better etc ran cry continue homework minute later came phone dad wa call told wa mad focusing homework needed hurry finish stop cry kept cry upset help minute later dad arrives wa upset working project wasting time kept cry started yelling stop cry stopped tear welling eye love dad control anger well follows parent way discipline grew lectured started clawing arm calm like always noticed leaving scar arm got angrier told stop said want really upset said nothing avoid argument got finish project said cared loved left discussion mental state mom called started cry later mad time told go sleep feel better feel better slept needed get considering suicide lot know help everywhere like hotlines help need people care talk lost grandma december 2018 cancer listened cared one know friend listen feel like think talk sad stuff much need know honestly know anymore people care help feel worthless never know talk get talk friend look different friend look lost bored like want hurry get go back talking people need advice read whole vent amazing person hope wonderful day,parent take suicidal thought seriously friend act like invisible know anymore,lynx x art,4291,125,lynx x art hi eighth grader magnet school add attention deficit disorder symptom depression suicidal past 3 year slowly le le motivated anything even enjoy want go sleep forever forget stress school difficult social life get stressed school stake go mom constantly reminding failure get many b help friend began ignoring started middle school new better people hang treated like tag along former best friend talk listen bored nobody else talk started thought suicide near end seventh grade really gotten worse year expected friend cast away decided finally talk someone year since previous hint needing help went unnoticed mom day felt low mentally told mom wa suicidal broke cry hugged however said ever even think killing know would wa little upset reaction seemed concerned kept telling told thought depression dismissed stress said would stop started positive wa taken aback love mother lot never good giving advice helping mental health got mad began yelling never understanding helping feeling wa little extreme anger wa irrational yelled back something trying help grief counselor 1 help much 2 wa help u deal grief family death help suicidalness made feel worthless wa yelled want told wanted talk went grade told learn deal emotion better etc ran cry continue homework minute later came phone dad wa call told wa mad focusing homework needed hurry finish stop cry kept cry upset help minute later dad arrives wa upset working project wasting time kept cry started yelling stop cry stopped tear welling eye love dad control anger well follows parent way discipline grew lectured started clawing arm calm like always noticed leaving scar arm got angrier told stop said want really upset said nothing avoid argument got finish project said cared loved left discussion mental state mom called started cry later mad time told go sleep feel better feel better slept needed get considering suicide lot know help everywhere like hotlines help need people care talk lost grandma december 2018 cancer listened cared one know friend listen feel like think talk sad stuff much need know honestly know anymore people care help feel worthless never know talk get talk friend look different friend look lost bored like want hurry get go back talking people need advice read whole vent amazing person hope wonderful day parent take suicidal thought seriously friend act like invisible know anymore
Drinking keeps me alive,It used to be something I did once every couple weeks at a party when I was a teen. Now it makes me happy. I love waking up still hungover with brain fog. It gives me this fuzzy feeling I used to feel with my SO. I know it’s terrible for me. I still work out but that only gives me an hour high. I’ve realized if I’m sober my thoughts consume me and when I’m drunk everything’s ok. My family and friends wonder how I do it but I guess I like the depressing hungover feeling.,rememberthememoriez,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7ip2/drinking_keeps_me_alive/,used something every couple week party wa teen make happy love waking still hungover brain fog give fuzzy feeling used feel know terrible still work give hour high realized sober thought consume drunk everything ok family friend wonder guess like depressing hungover feeling,drinking keep alive,remember memo riez,474,23,remember memo riez used something every couple week party wa teen make happy love waking still hungover brain fog give fuzzy feeling used feel know terrible still work give hour high realized sober thought consume drunk everything ok family friend wonder guess like depressing hungover feeling drinking keep alive
Thinking about suicide more and more,"I am in a very dark place right now. I'm 32. I've been unemployed since last October after getting laid off (not due to performance, my whole team and 15% of my company got let go) and do not have a firm idea of what to do with my life. I have started to interview again over the past few weeks but they are mostly for the same type of work (which is pretty niche, not a ton of jobs available) and I just don't know if this is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. In the meantime, I have been getting dicked around by recruiters and just feel like I'm getting left out to pasture even though I feel like I have a good background and interview well.  


Simultaneously, I am finishing up a part-time MBA program which I feel like has been a colossal waste of time, money, and energy. I honestly feel like I had better luck getting responses to job applications BEFORE starting my program. I have been slogging through my final semester, struggling to find the motivation to do my work. I finish in about 2 months, at which time I may or may not be employed again. I just don't know. It's extremely stressful. I will need to begin paying my college loans within 6 months of graduating and don't know how I am ever going to save for a down payment. I immensely regret going to business school.  


Add to this the fact that, for whatever reason, I seem to be getting ignored by just about every therapist I've reached out to for counseling. Maybe I need to start leaving messages that I'm thinking about ending it. I feel like I am losing my mind, and the only thing that keeps me feeling sane is my girlfriend, who without I'm not sure what I'd do. Unfortunately, she doesn't know about my compulsive  masturbation/porn addiction which seems to be consuming my life at the moment. I'm a \*\*\*\*ing mess and I don't know what to do.   


It's hard for me to think about actually killing myself, but I find myself thinking about it often. It gives me some sort of dark solace knowing that I could end it, donate everything I have (which isn't much) to some charity, and be remembered as more than a living nobody, which I feel like I am today.",spatula24,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4hte/thinking_about_suicide_more_and_more/,dark place right 32 unemployed since last october getting laid due performance whole team 15 company got let go firm idea life started interview past week mostly type work pretty niche ton job available know want rest life meantime getting dicked around recruiter feel like getting left pasture even though feel like good background interview well simultaneously finishing part time mba program feel like ha colossal waste time money energy honestly feel like better luck getting response job application starting program slogging final semester struggling find motivation work finish 2 month time may may employed know extremely stressful need begin paying college loan within 6 month graduating know ever going save payment immensely regret going business school add fact whatever reason seem getting ignored every therapist reached counseling maybe need start leaving message thinking ending feel like losing mind thing keep feeling sane girlfriend without sure unfortunately know compulsive masturbation porn addiction seems consuming life moment ing mess know hard think actually killing find thinking often give sort dark solace knowing could end donate everything much charity remembered living nobody feel like today,thinking suicide,spatula 24,2152,36,spatula 24 dark place right 32 unemployed since last october getting laid due performance whole team 15 company got let go firm idea life started interview past week mostly type work pretty niche ton job available know want rest life meantime getting dicked around recruiter feel like getting left pasture even though feel like good background interview well simultaneously finishing part time mba program feel like ha colossal waste time money energy honestly feel like better luck getting response job application starting program slogging final semester struggling find motivation work finish 2 month time may may employed know extremely stressful need begin paying college loan within 6 month graduating know ever going save payment immensely regret going business school add fact whatever reason seem getting ignored every therapist reached counseling maybe need start leaving message thinking ending feel like losing mind thing keep feeling sane girlfriend without sure unfortunately know compulsive masturbation porn addiction seems consuming life moment ing mess know hard think actually killing find thinking often give sort dark solace knowing could end donate everything much charity remembered living nobody feel like today thinking suicide
I needed a mother,"You always hear how women fear they won’t love their child if it’s adopted which in most cases isn’t true. But in our case it seems to be true. Thank you for all the nice Christmas gifts you gave me. But you never gave the sense you cared about me. You were never there for me. I’m always getting blamed for things and It always feels like you just shrug me off. I never felt comfortable coming to you for advice and you never asked. Why is the connection between us nonexistent? You taught me about my period, you gave me a book that explained puberty. You never taught me about sex. You never ask if I have a boyfriend. You never ask me anything. You don’t really know me at all. I try to talk to you and you seem annoyed when I do. I come to you for guidance about what I should major in and you just judge me for not being able to make up my mind. You’re always petty when I give you attitude but you don’t ask why. I’ve been depressed since I was 12 years old and you never noticed. You never helped me with school and hated that I wanted my license and I’m trying to get my citizenship and you couldn’t care less that I’m not one. When I didn’t have health insurance you didn’t care. When I wanted braces you never helped me until I finally became old enough to do it myself. I don’t have anyone to tell my secrets to. I don’t have anyone to guide me and I feel bad because you’re always alone but it doesn’t seem like you care and want me near you. You get offended Everytime I hang out with dad but never want to do anything with me. I don’t know if you think you’re a good parent but you’re not familiar to me. I just want a mother. And maybe you do care about me, maybe but it doesn’t seem like it. And I love you and I just wish you showed you love me",inthzone,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6tms/i_needed_a_mother/,always hear woman fear love child adopted case true case seems true thank nice christmas gift gave never gave sense cared never always getting blamed thing always feel like shrug never felt comfortable coming advice never asked connection u nonexistent taught period gave book explained puberty never taught sex never ask boyfriend never ask anything really know try talk seem annoyed come guidance major judge able make mind always petty give attitude ask depressed since wa 12 year old never noticed never helped school hated wanted license trying get citizenship care le one health insurance care wanted brace never helped finally became old enough anyone tell secret anyone guide feel bad always alone seem like care want near get offended everytime hang dad never want anything know think good parent familiar want mother maybe care maybe seem like love wish showed love,needed mother,th zone,1762,17,th zone always hear woman fear love child adopted case true case seems true thank nice christmas gift gave never gave sense cared never always getting blamed thing always feel like shrug never felt comfortable coming advice never asked connection u nonexistent taught period gave book explained puberty never taught sex never ask boyfriend never ask anything really know try talk seem annoyed come guidance major judge able make mind always petty give attitude ask depressed since wa 12 year old never noticed never helped school hated wanted license trying get citizenship care le one health insurance care wanted brace never helped finally became old enough anyone tell secret anyone guide feel bad always alone seem like care want near get offended everytime hang dad never want anything know think good parent familiar want mother maybe care maybe seem like love wish showed love needed mother
Am I weak or do I not have a choice?,"Why can’t I do what I need to do? I remember telling my final therapist how I’d sit paralyzed while my mind screamed at me to do things, and she said I just had to do them. 

It was one of those things I’ve been told that stings to this very day. Is this paralysis some internal weakness that I do have control over? If so, how the hell does this work because I can’t figure it out?

I wouldn’t have gone to see someone if I’d have known they’d told me what they did. I came to them for help. Was what they gave me the only help there is? Is this my fault? Or do I even have a choice being like this?",throaway8297338,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9vu8/am_i_weak_or_do_i_not_have_a_choice/,need remember telling final therapist sit paralyzed mind screamed thing said wa one thing told sting day paralysis internal weakness control hell doe work figure gone see someone known told came help wa gave help fault even choice like,weak choice,thro away 8297338,600,36,thro away 8297338 need remember telling final therapist sit paralyzed mind screamed thing said wa one thing told sting day paralysis internal weakness control hell doe work figure gone see someone known told came help wa gave help fault even choice like weak choice
Divorced parents,"Hey can any of you all relate to this? I’m 22 year old male . My Parents divorced when I was 13. While they were married, my siblings and I witnessed verbal abuse, threats, dad pushed our mom, mom crying, dad coming home drunk, and even after the divorce they constantly talked bad about each other . Since the divorce, I became really sad and it follows me until this day. Some days I’m happy and then there are days where I cry myself to bed. The day they divorced, police had to come to the house because my dad was trying to hurt my mom. Soon after I witnessed my younger brother change from an innocent child to a drug addict. My father was an alcoholic who is now dead. My mother had the nerve to say to me “I don’t why your brother is like this... he didn’t have it that bad.” My mom really doesn’t know the trauma she caused me and my brother. My brother was vulnerable. He needed someone but I was too young to realize he needed help. Not until now . I was gone In the military when he spiraled out of control. Do you all think my mother was right to say that to me about my own brother?",Euphoric_Okra,22,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9tq4/divorced_parents/,hey relate 22 year old male parent divorced wa 13 married sibling witnessed verbal abuse threat dad pushed mom mom cry dad coming home drunk even divorce constantly talked bad since divorce became really sad follows day day happy day cry bed day divorced police come house dad wa trying hurt mom soon witnessed younger brother change innocent child drug addict father wa alcoholic dead mother nerve say brother like bad mom really know trauma caused brother brother wa vulnerable needed someone wa young realize needed help wa gone military spiraled control think mother wa right say brother,divorced parent,euphoric okra,1096,16,euphoric okra hey relate 22 year old male parent divorced wa 13 married sibling witnessed verbal abuse threat dad pushed mom mom cry dad coming home drunk even divorce constantly talked bad since divorce became really sad follows day day happy day cry bed day divorced police come house dad wa trying hurt mom soon witnessed younger brother change innocent child drug addict father wa alcoholic dead mother nerve say brother like bad mom really know trauma caused brother brother wa vulnerable needed someone wa young realize needed help wa gone military spiraled control think mother wa right say brother divorced parent
Waiting for it to get better..,"I feel like everyone says “just wait it gets better.” I’ve been waiting for 11 years. Good things have happened to me in that time, but it’s still not better.",benziekennett,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8sx9/waiting_for_it_to_get_better/,feel like everyone say wait get better waiting 11 year good thing happened time still better,waiting get better,benz ie kennett,158,30,benz ie kennett feel like everyone say wait get better waiting 11 year good thing happened time still better waiting get better
"Everytime I think I'm finally doing well, for even a second, something else happens which fucks me over.","I just feel like something put there is telling me to kill myself. It just keeps throwing shit out me till I give up. I think I can finally take a breather. And then theres something else to stress about. This time, I was about to be late on rent. But I did all I could to get the money together. (I'm not even gonna say all the things I did to get the money) but then. I just got off work. And I was about to swing by the bank to withdraw the money to lay rent. But then my car wouldn't start. And I'm completely alone in this state. So I had to call someone to come out and jump me. But it wouldn't jump. So I had to spend money to get it towed. Then the damn mechanic shop jerked me around, and ended up fighting with them alot ( I use to be a mechanic so I know when I'm getting jerked around) but they were so incompetent, that it took them 6 hours to basically figure out that the battery needed to be replaced and then do it. They lied to me when they told me the tested the battery when they first pulled it in the bay. They put a new starter on, without telling me until after the fact. And then told me my engine was seized up due to there being 0 oil in it. Which I dont know if I believe, because I just got my oil changed about a week and a half ago. And I know I dont have a leak. So either they were lying or the technician at the luge shop didnt put oil back in my car. But anyway, long story short. They forced me to pay 600$ for basically a battery change. And then I had to go back to work 2 hours later, with no sleep since my last shift. So that was great. But that 600$ was going to be for my rent. No I dont have any money. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I think I've finally reached my breaking point.",punchabiggerfish,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feaydw/everytime_i_think_im_finally_doing_well_for_even/,feel like something put telling kill keep throwing shit till give think finally take breather something else stress time wa late rent could get money together even gonna say thing get money got work wa swing bank withdraw money lay rent car start completely alone state call someone come jump jump spend money get towed damn mechanic shop jerked around ended fighting alot use mechanic know getting jerked around incompetent took 6 hour basically figure battery needed replaced lied told tested battery first pulled bay put new starter without telling fact told engine wa seized due 0 oil dont know believe got oil changed week half ago know dont leak either lying technician luge shop didnt put oil back car anyway long story short forced pay 600 basically battery change go back work 2 hour later sleep since last shift wa great 600 wa going rent dont money sure going think finally reached breaking point,everytime think finally well even second something else happens fuck,punch bigger fish,1733,104,punch bigger fish feel like something put telling kill keep throwing shit till give think finally take breather something else stress time wa late rent could get money together even gonna say thing get money got work wa swing bank withdraw money lay rent car start completely alone state call someone come jump jump spend money get towed damn mechanic shop jerked around ended fighting alot use mechanic know getting jerked around incompetent took 6 hour basically figure battery needed replaced lied told tested battery first pulled bay put new starter without telling fact told engine wa seized due 0 oil dont know believe got oil changed week half ago know dont leak either lying technician luge shop didnt put oil back car anyway long story short forced pay 600 basically battery change go back work 2 hour later sleep since last shift wa great 600 wa going rent dont money sure going think finally reached breaking point everytime think finally well even second something else happens fuck
I feel bad talking about my issues,"I dont talk to people about my issues, anxiety, depression, implosions, ect. Because I feel like everyone else has much worse problems and mine are trivial and stupid. I dont feel worthy of the help I receive either, because a lot of people can't get a therapist. It makes me feel so awful. I am not worthy of help!",Vegetalover,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7veq/i_feel_bad_talking_about_my_issues/,dont talk people issue anxiety depression implosion ect feel like everyone else ha much worse problem mine trivial stupid dont feel worthy help receive either lot people get therapist make feel awful worthy help,feel bad talking issue,vegeta lover,315,34,vegeta lover dont talk people issue anxiety depression implosion ect feel like everyone else ha much worse problem mine trivial stupid dont feel worthy help receive either lot people get therapist make feel awful worthy help feel bad talking issue
I hate the way I look,"Nowadays people are starting to embrace body positivity and are learning to love who they are. So why can’t I? Every time I look in the mirror all I see are flaws. My stomach bulges out too much, my face is fat, my acne is ugly, I need to shave, my teeth are yellow, my butt’s too small, etc. Why can’t I see the good in myself?

My biggest insecurity is my stomach. I can’t help to think that I’m fat even though I have an average BMI at 5’5” , 140 with playing a sport/working out every day.  I think this insecurity sort of stems from everyone around me being stick thin. This one girl in my grade keeps saying how “fat” she is when she’s half a foot taller than me and weighs less. I know that shouldn’t bother me but it does. I also am a gymnast and seeing everyone around me be thin and look good in leotards makes me feel awful.

After eating a lot, I can’t help but be so mad at myself later for putting on so much weight, but sometimes I just can’t help it. I like food. It’s gotten to a point where my lunch is just a granola bar and I’m just hungry throughout my day.

If anyone has any tips to help raise my self esteem it’ll be greatly appreciated but honestly no ones probably going to see this. If you’re reading this, thanks random reddit user for listening to my rant. You’re breathtaking. 

Ann Ominous <3",annonymous_s,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8me2/i_hate_the_way_i_look/,nowadays people starting embrace body positivity learning love every time look mirror see flaw stomach bulge much face fat acne ugly need shave teeth yellow butt small etc see good biggest insecurity stomach help think fat even though average bmi 5 5 140 playing sport working every day think insecurity sort stem everyone around stick thin one girl grade keep saying fat half foot taller weighs le know bother doe also gymnast seeing everyone around thin look good leotard make feel awful eating lot help mad later putting much weight sometimes help like food gotten point lunch granola bar hungry throughout day anyone ha tip help raise self esteem greatly appreciated honestly one probably going see reading thanks random reddit user listening rant breathtaking ann ominous lt 3,hate way look,anno ny mou,1326,21,anno ny mou nowadays people starting embrace body positivity learning love every time look mirror see flaw stomach bulge much face fat acne ugly need shave teeth yellow butt small etc see good biggest insecurity stomach help think fat even though average bmi 5 5 140 playing sport working every day think insecurity sort stem everyone around stick thin one girl grade keep saying fat half foot taller weighs le know bother doe also gymnast seeing everyone around thin look good leotard make feel awful eating lot help mad later putting much weight sometimes help like food gotten point lunch granola bar hungry throughout day anyone ha tip help raise self esteem greatly appreciated honestly one probably going see reading thanks random reddit user listening rant breathtaking ann ominous lt 3 hate way look
It drives you to do things you'll never forgive yourself for,"I remember the past few weeks were the ones in the summer where I wasn't able to see you much. I felt so sick, not because I couldnt see you, but because I knew I would. The fact that everytime I seen you, you acted as if you loved me so much. Why did you? I never understood and I couldnt comprehend. I didnt believe you the slightest. And even the day I broke it off with you for the first time, I didnt understand why you seemed to be on the verge of crying. I didn't even say it out loud that I thought we weren't going to last, you just read me like a book. Whenever you read me, did i seem pathetic? All I felt was numb. My heartless self watched you walk away, and the last feeling id feel for a long time walked away too. I wish I could tell you about it all. I loved you so much. I tell these lies, apologizing how I didnt appreciate you enough then, telling lies to my friends about how I really felt. My only desire was to die, the quickest way to get it done was to get rid of you. In the end, I didnt die, but at the same time I did. I didn't even have enough energy to tie a knot or swallow any meds, it even felt so heavy to blink. Im horrible for acting like i hated you after, you acted like you hated me. I dont blame you for it, for me it was just a way to not let my pride down. We grew back together, we were so close. It got to the point we felt for eachother again. But I didnt understand why I was still fucking numb. I didnt want to be with you, I wasnt ready. I wanted to die. Everytime I almost did it, id somehow end up back where I started. I hurt you so much. Somehow, some way, we got through it. You never found out how I really felt. We made it. Im better. I love you so much. Everyday I'm wallowing in self hatred, because of the pain I caused you. Yet you had believed you were in the wrong? I don't understand that, i never will. You're always in my mind. I want to die, but I push through it for you. So I can see you once again every day. My greatest fear, will be the day you say ""I love you"" for the very last time.",xMilSayx,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8lo2/it_drives_you_to_do_things_youll_never_forgive/,remember past week one summer able see much felt sick couldnt see knew would fact everytime seen acted loved much never understood couldnt comprehend didnt believe slightest even day broke first time didnt understand seemed verge cry even say loud thought going last read like book whenever read seem pathetic felt wa numb heartless self watched walk away last feeling id feel long time walked away wish could tell loved much tell lie apologizing didnt appreciate enough telling lie friend really felt desire wa die quickest way get done wa get rid end didnt die time even enough energy tie knot swallow med even felt heavy blink im horrible acting like hated acted like hated dont blame wa way let pride grew back together close got point felt eachother didnt understand wa still fucking numb didnt want wasnt ready wanted die everytime almost id somehow end back started hurt much somehow way got never found really felt made im better love much everyday wallowing self hatred pain caused yet believed wrong understand never always mind want die push see every day greatest fear day say love last time,drive thing never forgive,x mil say x,2055,60,x mil say x remember past week one summer able see much felt sick couldnt see knew would fact everytime seen acted loved much never understood couldnt comprehend didnt believe slightest even day broke first time didnt understand seemed verge cry even say loud thought going last read like book whenever read seem pathetic felt wa numb heartless self watched walk away last feeling id feel long time walked away wish could tell loved much tell lie apologizing didnt appreciate enough telling lie friend really felt desire wa die quickest way get done wa get rid end didnt die time even enough energy tie knot swallow med even felt heavy blink im horrible acting like hated acted like hated dont blame wa way let pride grew back together close got point felt eachother didnt understand wa still fucking numb didnt want wasnt ready wanted die everytime almost id somehow end back started hurt much somehow way got never found really felt made im better love much everyday wallowing self hatred pain caused yet believed wrong understand never always mind want die push see every day greatest fear day say love last time drive thing never forgive
Scared,"I’ve always wanted to find my soulmate, but I’m so scared that no one will ever love me back. I know that this is the stupidest reason to be sad about but romance is something that I’ve dreamed of since I was a kid.  No one likes me in a romantic way. There has only been one person who had a crush on me in my entire life and it lasted a only a month. Everyday I find out that my friends are dating people and they post pictures with their significant others and every time I see those posts I feel like crying.",starryskiez_2,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9ke7/scared/,always wanted find soulmate scared one ever love back know stupidest reason sad romance something dreamed since wa kid one like romantic way ha one person crush entire life lasted month everyday find friend dating people post picture significant others every time see post feel like cry,scared,starry ski ez 2,512,6,starry ski ez 2 always wanted find soulmate scared one ever love back know stupidest reason sad romance something dreamed since wa kid one like romantic way ha one person crush entire life lasted month everyday find friend dating people post picture significant others every time see post feel like cry scared
"I wish to die, because of my constant failures..","For 2 years...my grades are going down, relationship with my parents is deteriorating....I'm so alone....
I crave for love and attention, things I'm not having anymore...And for some brain especially.
I'm so stupid, I'm always failing at tests, while others are taking great marks.
And I took three bad grades(3 Fs), lower than I ever took, and my parents don't believe me with anything and screaming and threatening me ...
It's being going on for too long.
No matter how some people would try to help me...
It doesn't work.I've been to a therapist , it didn't work.
I feel so bad because people are sweet and kind, and  (some) teachers are good...but a bad teacher gave us a bad mark at 2 tests,(because he's cynic, even though we studied) and...
I wanted to study, but it seems like fate didn't want to keep up with me.I had a big dream , and I failed...
All in all, I'm a failure....
And I deserve to die, right before my 17th birthday, when it was supposed to be a wonderful time.
I'm sorry, for everything.",Healing_Tears,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecv02/i_wish_to_die_because_of_my_constant_failures/,2 year grade going relationship parent deteriorating alone crave love attention thing anymore brain especially stupid always failing test others taking great mark took three bad grade 3 f lower ever took parent believe anything screaming threatening going long matter people would try help work therapist work feel bad people sweet kind teacher good bad teacher gave u bad mark 2 test cynic even though studied wanted study seems like fate want keep big dream failed failure deserve die right 17th birthday wa supposed wonderful time sorry everything,wish die constant failure,healing tear,1011,48,healing tear 2 year grade going relationship parent deteriorating alone crave love attention thing anymore brain especially stupid always failing test others taking great mark took three bad grade 3 f lower ever took parent believe anything screaming threatening going long matter people would try help work therapist work feel bad people sweet kind teacher good bad teacher gave u bad mark 2 test cynic even though studied wanted study seems like fate want keep big dream failed failure deserve die right 17th birthday wa supposed wonderful time sorry everything wish die constant failure
I'll be 26 in 30 minutes.,"And so, I have 5 years, 30 minutes till I kill myself.
I don't like celebrating my birthday anymorex, not since I was 19. But I'm living with my parents and they insist on taking me for lunch tomorrow, with my grandma.
I dont wanna go to school either. We'll be buying cake for me and another girl whose birthday was earlier this week but it makes me extremely anxious just to have ppl know it is my birthday because I just don't enjoy living anymore, I have no friends in this city, I isolate myself  more and more everyday, and I feel that makes me look pathetic and sad before everyone's eyes.

Only good thing, found put my mom bought some bluetooth earphones as my gift.

I'm so fucking tired.",WaspsInMyPizza,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9jl2/ill_be_26_in_30_minutes/,5 year 30 minute till kill like celebrating birthday anymorex since wa 19 living parent insist taking lunch tomorrow grandma dont wanna go school either buying cake another girl whose birthday wa earlier week make extremely anxious ppl know birthday enjoy living anymore friend city isolate everyday feel make look pathetic sad everyone eye good thing found put mom bought bluetooth earphone gift fucking tired,26 30 minute,wasp pizza,698,25,wasp pizza 5 year 30 minute till kill like celebrating birthday anymorex since wa 19 living parent insist taking lunch tomorrow grandma dont wanna go school either buying cake another girl whose birthday wa earlier week make extremely anxious ppl know birthday enjoy living anymore friend city isolate everyday feel make look pathetic sad everyone eye good thing found put mom bought bluetooth earphone gift fucking tired 26 30 minute
I can’t focus on anything and time just slips by into nothing.,I stopped being able to watch movies months ago. Now I’m finding myself in conversations I and I have no idea what we’re talking about. I panic because I didn’t hear what they said even though I thought I was listening. I’m not even thinking of other things my brain just shuts them out. I’ll take my dog out at 2.30pm and suddenly it’s 5.00pm. Where did the time go? Am I nuts or is this normal?,BigStrawbs22,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fectz4/i_cant_focus_on_anything_and_time_just_slips_by/,stopped able watch movie month ago finding conversation idea talking panic hear said even though thought wa listening even thinking thing brain shuts take dog 2 30pm suddenly 5 00pm time go nut normal,focus anything time slip nothing,big straw b 22,396,62,big straw b 22 stopped able watch movie month ago finding conversation idea talking panic hear said even though thought wa listening even thinking thing brain shuts take dog 2 30pm suddenly 5 00pm time go nut normal focus anything time slip nothing
I’ve changed so much,"I’ve changed so much since I’ve gotten depression, I stop caring about school my relationships with my friend, I stopped caring what peaple think about me (witch can cause me to an asshole) before depression I thought I wouldn’t even touch alcohol and now I’m starving to do shrooms (don’t drink that much) I used to get decent grade and try now I’m just passing bc my teacher are rounding up my makes to 50, I’ve recently stopped cutting but only bc I have nothing to do it with and my gf doesn’t want me to. I just wanted to get this off my chest",nobearpineapples,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fectre/ive_changed_so_much/,changed much since gotten depression stop caring school relationship friend stopped caring peaple think witch cause asshole depression thought even touch alcohol starving shrooms drink much used get decent grade try passing bc teacher rounding make 50 recently stopped cutting bc nothing gf want wanted get chest,changed much,bear pineapple,548,20,bear pineapple changed much since gotten depression stop caring school relationship friend stopped caring peaple think witch cause asshole depression thought even touch alcohol starving shrooms drink much used get decent grade try passing bc teacher rounding make 50 recently stopped cutting bc nothing gf want wanted get chest changed much
"I have friends, I have a bunch of things that I know I should be eternally grateful for, but somehow I find myself not seeing meaning in any of it","I get to go to school, to have an education, I never got bullied, I was born with countless blessing, so my question is why do i feel so hopelessly empty, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for the past year or so and I feel things getting worse but I honestly don’t know what to do, I’ve even been thinking of suicide on the daily, but inevitably I know I won’t kill myself because I don’t want to burden the people around me, I feel as though I’m not living for myself anymore. I’ve tried reaching to a close friend of mine, and it just turned into a vent session, and we started drifting apart after that, and I feel like it was my fault, the saddest part is that I feel like I’m doomed to living a life where I’m pretending like I have everything together when I’m reality, I tripped and fell into a pit of depression, please tell me, is there hope?",ivaan2010,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6xh7/i_have_friends_i_have_a_bunch_of_things_that_i/,get go school education never got bullied wa born countless blessing question feel hopelessly empty cry sleep past year feel thing getting worse honestly know even thinking suicide daily inevitably know kill want burden people around feel though living anymore tried reaching close friend mine turned vent session started drifting apart feel like wa fault saddest part feel like doomed living life pretending like everything together reality tripped fell pit depression please tell hope,friend bunch thing know eternally grateful somehow find seeing meaning,vaan 2010,851,146,vaan 2010 get go school education never got bullied wa born countless blessing question feel hopelessly empty cry sleep past year feel thing getting worse honestly know even thinking suicide daily inevitably know kill want burden people around feel though living anymore tried reaching close friend mine turned vent session started drifting apart feel like wa fault saddest part feel like doomed living life pretending like everything together reality tripped fell pit depression please tell hope friend bunch thing know eternally grateful somehow find seeing meaning
I have run out of ways to describe how I feel.,"I say I feel tired. He says ""You're always tired.""

I say that I don't deserve to be here. My friends try to convince me that I do, say that I'm too hard on myself. 

I'm starting to repeat myself though. I tell my counselor about my suicidal thoughts, but I can't explain why they're here or what they're like. 

I just feel like I want to be in bed all the time. I wish I could bury myself in blankets and curl up into a ball. But even that's not small enough to describe how small I want to be. Unnoticed.  

Maybe that's enough of a description.",crashboxer1678,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8ir0/i_have_run_out_of_ways_to_describe_how_i_feel/,say feel tired say always tired say deserve friend try convince say hard starting repeat though tell counselor suicidal thought explain like feel like want bed time wish could bury blanket curl ball even small enough describe small want unnoticed maybe enough description,run way describe feel,crash boxer 1678,549,46,crash boxer 1678 say feel tired say always tired say deserve friend try convince say hard starting repeat though tell counselor suicidal thought explain like feel like want bed time wish could bury blanket curl ball even small enough describe small want unnoticed maybe enough description run way describe feel
I keep reminiscing the past. I need help to move on.,"I'm aware of why I'm doing it. I hate my life right now, and I am scared of the future. The past is a warm safe blanket full of photos, videos, and messages to remind me of what used to be, and the people who used to be in it. I hate getting older. I want to reach out to some of these old friends from 10 years ago. Is it even worth it? They've all moved on, but I haven't. I don't want to delete these memories, but I feel like I have to at this point. Any other suggestions?",evelkaneval,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvaj2/i_keep_reminiscing_the_past_i_need_help_to_move_on/,aware hate life right scared future past warm safe blanket full photo video message remind used people used hate getting older want reach old friend 10 year ago even worth moved want delete memory feel like point suggestion,keep reminiscing past need help move,eve l kane val,477,52,eve l kane val aware hate life right scared future past warm safe blanket full photo video message remind used people used hate getting older want reach old friend 10 year ago even worth moved want delete memory feel like point suggestion keep reminiscing past need help move
I accept this I guess,"I’ve been single for over a year now after a 5 year relationship. I accept I’ll probably be single for the rest of my life. 


I care about someone. I accept I am only an option for them. 


I’m not appreciated at work I’ve accepted that and it makes it just slightly more bearable. 


I’m depressed. I accept that I’ve decided that if it’s not better by the time I’m 30 I’m done. 


I accept I’m not important to anyone and that’s okay. I’ll find a loving home for my cat and then I’ll be gone. 


People will say “oh she was so loved.” They are lying and I accept that they will do this to make themselves feel better. 


I accept that this is my life and I’ll manage until it’s over.",Little_Bear716,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6ufv/i_accept_this_i_guess/,single year 5 year relationship accept probably single rest life care someone accept option appreciated work accepted make slightly bearable depressed accept decided better time 30 done accept important anyone okay find loving home cat gone people say oh wa loved lying accept make feel better accept life manage,accept guess,little bear 716,686,21,little bear 716 single year 5 year relationship accept probably single rest life care someone accept option appreciated work accepted make slightly bearable depressed accept decided better time 30 done accept important anyone okay find loving home cat gone people say oh wa loved lying accept make feel better accept life manage accept guess
"Pervasive emptiness consequent of deep-rooted sadness, figured I’d ask “what gets you out of bed? And why?”.","Supplementary information: College student, physics major; I’ve been dealing with systemic loneliness and depression for a number of years. And as of late, sleep has escaped me, running from my troubles through mathematical gymnastics has exhausted its use. So I ask, “What keeps your momentum on challenging days?”",freudian-catastrophe,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9g5x/pervasive_emptiness_consequent_of_deeprooted/,supplementary information college student physic major dealing systemic loneliness depression number year late sleep ha escaped running trouble mathematical gymnastics ha exhausted use ask keep momentum challenging day,pervasive emptiness consequent deep rooted sadness figured ask get bed,freudian catastrophe,315,108,freudian catastrophe supplementary information college student physic major dealing systemic loneliness depression number year late sleep ha escaped running trouble mathematical gymnastics ha exhausted use ask keep momentum challenging day pervasive emptiness consequent deep rooted sadness figured ask get bed
Help,How do I get over my depression? it all started when my ex left any tips?,JHopo33,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9e87/help/,get depression started ex left tip,help,j hopo 33,73,4,j hopo 33 get depression started ex left tip help
Once again crying myself to sleep,There comes a point when pain becomes excessive. I past that point long ago,_Rainy-Day_,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feamwu/once_again_crying_myself_to_sleep/,come point pain becomes excessive past point long ago,cry sleep,rainy day,75,33,rainy day come point pain becomes excessive past point long ago cry sleep
This won't be seen but whatever,"I'm so tired of being miserable and being pushed around like cattle. I'm pretty sure this Prozac is the only thing between me and suicide, thus putting me in an unbearable limbo state. I hate this planet and I hate having to get up and waste my life just to keep myself fed. In the end, no one would care if I dissapeared. Even if there was anyone who'd miss me, they'd get over it pretty quickly. Why do I even bother?",A_lonely_bastard,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7d4t/this_wont_be_seen_but_whatever/,tired miserable pushed around like cattle pretty sure prozac thing suicide thus putting unbearable limbo state hate planet hate get waste life keep fed end one would care dissapeared even wa anyone miss get pretty quickly even bother,seen whatever,lonely bastard,419,31,lonely bastard tired miserable pushed around like cattle pretty sure prozac thing suicide thus putting unbearable limbo state hate planet hate get waste life keep fed end one would care dissapeared even wa anyone miss get pretty quickly even bother seen whatever
my dad always likes to point out that i do nothing with my life.,"“all you do is sleep”

i am so unmotivated. i don’t know why. i really don’t know why. i feel like i can’t handle anything. im only 17. i don’t want a life anymore. 

wanna know what brought relieved me of these thoughts? dragging a knife against my both of my arms vertically. thinking about killing myself made me feel better. like i’d be happier.",charis_92tilinfinity,14,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1qey/my_dad_always_likes_to_point_out_that_i_do/,sleep unmotivated know really know feel like handle anything im 17 want life anymore wanna know brought relieved thought dragging knife arm vertically thinking killing made feel better like happier,dad always like point nothing life,char 92 til infinity,349,64,char 92 til infinity sleep unmotivated know really know feel like handle anything im 17 want life anymore wanna know brought relieved thought dragging knife arm vertically thinking killing made feel better like happier dad always like point nothing life
can i please get some help,i was in a relationship where my gf had severe anxiety and depression. i tried to help her but she had to go to the hospital because of it. once she came back i went into a depression. i think i might’ve picked it up off of her but i don’t know. she didn’t tell me she was stressed or how she was feeling and she broke up with me while i had no idea what the fuck was going on. she had feelings for someone else for the last week we were together. she doesn’t want to talk to me right now and says she wants a break from me when she claims that i was hardly the cause for her stress. if i’m hardly the cause then why am i the only thing being shut out of her life? i still want to try to repair my relationship with her but i don’t know what to do at this point. reddit please give me advice. i’m not doing well mentally or physically right now and i need it.,MontyShallot,19,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6kse/can_i_please_get_some_help/,wa relationship gf severe anxiety depression tried help go hospital came back went depression think might picked know tell wa stressed wa feeling broke idea fuck wa going feeling someone else last week together want talk right say want break claim wa hardly cause stress hardly cause thing shut life still want try repair relationship know point reddit please give advice well mentally physically right need,please get help,monty shallot,859,26,monty shallot wa relationship gf severe anxiety depression tried help go hospital came back went depression think might picked know tell wa stressed wa feeling broke idea fuck wa going feeling someone else last week together want talk right say want break claim wa hardly cause stress hardly cause thing shut life still want try repair relationship know point reddit please give advice well mentally physically right need please get help
How to get rid of this feeling?,I feel sad for myself when I see a couple walking  holding hands or kissing.. I don't want to feel that way.,virgin__mojito,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feahmi/how_to_get_rid_of_this_feeling/,feel sad see couple walking holding hand kissing want feel way,get rid feeling,virgin moji,108,31,virgin moji feel sad see couple walking holding hand kissing want feel way get rid feeling
I’m so tired of being told it gets better,It never has and never fucking will,floorecent-stare,30,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds0a6/im_so_tired_of_being_told_it_gets_better/,never ha never fucking,tired told get better,floor e cent stare,35,41,floor e cent stare never ha never fucking tired told get better
I can’t believe I’ve gotten this bad,"I understand losing a job. Losing your mom. Getting cheated on and finding out about it in the most cliche possible way. Losing hope in everything. I was so self destructive before and after. Just wanted to not feel. Way before any of this shit started to happen. It’s difficult accepting and understanding what’s happened in the past has effectively shaped you in a negative and positive way. But most of us stop there. I’m stopped there. The negative way, it’s so easy to get caught in that loop. We can be right about some things but it doesn’t change anything. I say I can’t believe I’ve gotten this bad for good. I won’t bore anyone with details of my childhood as we all have a few nights worth of stories. Just know you always have a decision and it’s yours. Right now it’s pretty hard at 25 years old I’ve let myself be manipulated by my own father and my ex. I remember at a younger age feeling like I don’t deserve to feel sad and I shouldn’t. Now I think it’s just a plain joke and I’m being tested. Not religious or whatever didn’t mean that but fuck, life is getting a little too real. I just got a letter from my school they approved a grade change appeal. I just stopped showing up. For 2 semesters. I have my suspicion due to the community I’m from and the major/degree I was going in for they are tight knit and had my back(if you’re from this community you will probably know). When I received the letter my first response was anger that they would let someone like me back. But it’s time to be done with all my self searching. For so long I would be thinking what could I change/tweak about me to make more people like me. What can I change to make me think that I don’t care about what people think even though that was on my mind 99% of the time and stressing me out. I’ve been stuck in the past and it’s time to move on. It’s unfortunate that for so many of us we know something is wrong and we want to change. So many of us don’t know how. I still don’t know how. But I’m going to fucking start. I’m starting here. My next step is doing less things that don’t get me anywhere and more thing that move me forward. Thanks for reading.",amazedrunner,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feafry/i_cant_believe_ive_gotten_this_bad/,understand losing job losing mom getting cheated finding cliche possible way losing hope everything wa self destructive wanted feel way shit started happen difficult accepting understanding happened past ha effectively shaped negative positive way u stop stopped negative way easy get caught loop right thing change anything say believe gotten bad good bore anyone detail childhood night worth story know always decision right pretty hard 25 year old let manipulated father ex remember younger age feeling like deserve feel sad think plain joke tested religious whatever mean fuck life getting little real got letter school approved grade change appeal stopped showing 2 semester suspicion due community major degree wa going tight knit back community probably know received letter first response wa anger would let someone like back time done self searching long would thinking could change tweak make people like change make think care people think even though wa mind 99 time stressing stuck past time move unfortunate many u know something wrong want change many u know still know going fucking start starting next step le thing get anywhere thing move forward thanks reading,believe gotten bad,amazed runner,2155,36,amazed runner understand losing job losing mom getting cheated finding cliche possible way losing hope everything wa self destructive wanted feel way shit started happen difficult accepting understanding happened past ha effectively shaped negative positive way u stop stopped negative way easy get caught loop right thing change anything say believe gotten bad good bore anyone detail childhood night worth story know always decision right pretty hard 25 year old let manipulated father ex remember younger age feeling like deserve feel sad think plain joke tested religious whatever mean fuck life getting little real got letter school approved grade change appeal stopped showing 2 semester suspicion due community major degree wa going tight knit back community probably know received letter first response wa anger would let someone like back time done self searching long would thinking could change tweak make people like change make think care people think even though wa mind 99 time stressing stuck past time move unfortunate many u know something wrong want change many u know still know going fucking start starting next step le thing get anywhere thing move forward thanks reading believe gotten bad
Depression or laziness?,"For quite a long time now, I've been restless, not enjoying life at all(anhedonia), and lacking any sort of motivation to do anything at all. For a while I thought I was lazy, but I'm quite a rational person, and even when I've made full sense of why I should get up and do a thing, I recede into doing nothing again. I just don't seem to care enough about anything, nothing seems to be worth my effort. I have no passions or liking to things, I just sit there on my computer all day/TV. 

Most days I see no reason to get up or do anything healthy/productive. It's quite a nihilistic out view I have. I must say, I'm quite optimistic. As contradictory as that sounds I always look on the bright side of things, as it always bodes a better result.

Am I extremely lazy or depressed? I sure feel down most of the time, when I'm with friends it's okay, but it's not like any of my laughs or smiles are genuine however; I feel emotionless most of the time. This has been going on for at least a year or two and I really need to get work done and get on with my life so I don't fall behind. Any help would be appreciated :)",grudg3_,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fecf0u/depression_or_laziness/,quite long time restless enjoying life anhedonia lacking sort motivation anything thought wa lazy quite rational person even made full sense get thing recede nothing seem care enough anything nothing seems worth effort passion liking thing sit computer day tv day see reason get anything healthy productive quite nihilistic view must say quite optimistic contradictory sound always look bright side thing always bodes better result extremely lazy depressed sure feel time friend okay like laugh smile genuine however feel emotionless time ha going least year two really need get work done get life fall behind help would appreciated,depression laziness,gru g 3,1119,23,gru g 3 quite long time restless enjoying life anhedonia lacking sort motivation anything thought wa lazy quite rational person even made full sense get thing recede nothing seem care enough anything nothing seems worth effort passion liking thing sit computer day tv day see reason get anything healthy productive quite nihilistic view must say quite optimistic contradictory sound always look bright side thing always bodes better result extremely lazy depressed sure feel time friend okay like laugh smile genuine however feel emotionless time ha going least year two really need get work done get life fall behind help would appreciated depression laziness
I don't want to die but I don't want to exist anymore,"yeah. everything freaking sucks. I'm on spring break and can't go anywhere at all (literally locked in my house all day) because my dad has refused to fix my car and won't let me pay to get it fixed, but then also won't let me use his car because he hasn't given himself enough time to change his breaks. I'm 21 and tired of asking for a ride like I'm 15 again. I feel worthless because I suck at school (I'm in PA school and am struggling in 2 classes) and I won't get any of the scholarships I even apply to because I'm a white female whose dad and stepmother both have great jobs (though we're still not great financially because of shit my biological mother caused), and my GPA isn't good enough. and my professors won't write me a recommendation because I suck at school and iv only known them for about 5 weeks. so now idk if I can even pay for the rest of my school. I can't work during PA school because my days are 15 hours long including class and nonstop studying. I am never going to be good at anything. I have endometriosis and my surgery was supposed to be during the 3 weeks chunk I have off between spring and summer semesters but now I can't because they're booked so I have to spend 9 more months being in pain. I can't go anywhere, I'm trapped here with my own thoughts. I hate my family situation because my dad is rude and critical, my stepmom is a bitch, and my mom ruined my family. there is literally no point to living because I can't ever have anything I want nor is my life fair in the slightest. fuck it all I want to die but I don't. I just don't want to deal with anything anymore. I wish I was never born because god obviously just fucking wants to make my life so damn hard and at this point I feel as though I was set up to be depressed.

​

edit: thanks to whoever down voted this, Im glad my feelings aren't good enough either",noturmom123,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdyaag/i_dont_want_to_die_but_i_dont_want_to_exist/,yeah everything freaking suck spring break go anywhere literally locked house day dad ha refused fix car let pay get fixed also let use car given enough time change break 21 tired asking ride like 15 feel worthless suck school pa school struggling 2 class get scholarship even apply white female whose dad stepmother great job though still great financially shit biological mother caused gpa good enough professor write recommendation suck school iv known 5 week idk even pay rest school work pa school day 15 hour long including class nonstop studying never going good anything endometriosis surgery wa supposed 3 week chunk spring summer semester booked spend 9 month pain go anywhere trapped thought hate family situation dad rude critical stepmom bitch mom ruined family literally point living ever anything want life fair slightest fuck want die want deal anything anymore wish wa never born god obviously fucking want make life damn hard point feel though wa set depressed amp x200b edit thanks whoever voted im glad feeling good enough either,want die want exist anymore,ur mom 123,1873,53,ur mom 123 yeah everything freaking suck spring break go anywhere literally locked house day dad ha refused fix car let pay get fixed also let use car given enough time change break 21 tired asking ride like 15 feel worthless suck school pa school struggling 2 class get scholarship even apply white female whose dad stepmother great job though still great financially shit biological mother caused gpa good enough professor write recommendation suck school iv known 5 week idk even pay rest school work pa school day 15 hour long including class nonstop studying never going good anything endometriosis surgery wa supposed 3 week chunk spring summer semester booked spend 9 month pain go anywhere trapped thought hate family situation dad rude critical stepmom bitch mom ruined family literally point living ever anything want life fair slightest fuck want die want deal anything anymore wish wa never born god obviously fucking want make life damn hard point feel though wa set depressed amp x200b edit thanks whoever voted im glad feeling good enough either want die want exist anymore
I suck at everything,The only thing im good at is skipping breakfast and dinner soo i can just get more drunk for the day and drink my sad useless ass to sleep haha. Just got fired from my line cook job at chilis cuhs i suck so bad only there 2 weeks guess im a pile of shit. I cant wait to get paid tomorrow so i can buy some mezcal and drink myself to sleep for the next week. Why am i still here,SuperDuperPewper,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7506/i_suck_at_everything/,thing im good skipping breakfast dinner soo get drunk day drink sad useless sleep haha got fired line cook job chili cuhs suck bad 2 week guess im pile shit cant wait get paid tomorrow buy mezcal drink sleep next week still,suck everything,super du per pew per,377,20,super du per pew per thing im good skipping breakfast dinner soo get drunk day drink sad useless sleep haha got fired line cook job chili cuhs suck bad 2 week guess im pile shit cant wait get paid tomorrow buy mezcal drink sleep next week still suck everything
Just feeling like shit honestly and nobody understands me anymore,"Hey, i'm Anwen, I have a dissociative personality disorder aka DID. I guess that's just important info, i'm hella depressed, I don't enjoy anything anymore, I don't want to talk to people, friends have started leaving me because my disorder is getting worse, nobody knows or understands my disorder, I hate my situation overall and I genuinely want to die...",AnwenQueeeen,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe535f/just_feeling_like_shit_honestly_and_nobody/,hey anwen dissociative personality disorder aka guess important info hella depressed enjoy anything anymore want talk people friend started leaving disorder getting worse nobody know understands disorder hate situation overall genuinely want die,feeling like shit honestly nobody understands anymore,wen qu eeee n,358,65,wen qu eeee n hey anwen dissociative personality disorder aka guess important info hella depressed enjoy anything anymore want talk people friend started leaving disorder getting worse nobody know understands disorder hate situation overall genuinely want die feeling like shit honestly nobody understands anymore
It is fucking sad isn't it?,When you are there for everyone when they need you but you have nobody when you need them. Ironically you cry yourself to sleep wishing someone would help you through the pain but it's never gonna be like that.,breakaway223,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feabjn/it_is_fucking_sad_isnt_it/,everyone need nobody need ironically cry sleep wishing someone would help pain never gonna like,fucking sad,breakaway 223,210,27,breakaway 223 everyone need nobody need ironically cry sleep wishing someone would help pain never gonna like fucking sad
Why even live,I feel like since she left there is no good reason for me to live. I have loving friends and family and a pretty good life but it’s like that stuff doesnt matter when all I want is for her to love me but she doesn’t she left me for him and I’ll never understand why.,Xd-Robinz,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4h6n/why_even_live/,feel like since left good reason live loving friend family pretty good life like stuff doesnt matter want love left never understand,even live,xd robin z,266,13,xd robin z feel like since left good reason live loving friend family pretty good life like stuff doesnt matter want love left never understand even live
My emotional numbness won,"So basically for a while ive been unable to feel emotions. I can see horrible things without feeling bad, I cant be happy and I cant have fun and I just feel dead inside. but I have a teacher that I really liked for a while now. (idk if I loved her or not, I didnt feel anything) I loved talking with her and I always looked forward to the next day and every time I stopped talking with her I got a bit down I guess and every time she smiled it made me smile. But idk, its not like that anymore. I dont really care about her anymore, I dont look forward to tomorrow anymore and seeing her again everyday is not the same. I think my depression/emotional numbness killed my ""love"" for her. living sucks.",Apocalyman,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fec9zn/my_emotional_numbness_won/,basically ive unable feel emotion see horrible thing without feeling bad cant happy cant fun feel dead inside teacher really liked idk loved didnt feel anything loved talking always looked forward next day every time stopped talking got bit guess every time smiled made smile idk like anymore dont really care anymore dont look forward tomorrow anymore seeing everyday think depression emotional numbness killed love living suck,emotional numbness,apo ca lyman,701,25,apo ca lyman basically ive unable feel emotion see horrible thing without feeling bad cant happy cant fun feel dead inside teacher really liked idk loved didnt feel anything loved talking always looked forward next day every time stopped talking got bit guess every time smiled made smile idk like anymore dont really care anymore dont look forward tomorrow anymore seeing everyday think depression emotional numbness killed love living suck emotional numbness
Dealing with major depressive,"Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with major depressive? I’m 20 years old and I’ve had depression since I was around 13. Everyday is a challenge and I’m at the point in which I feel like I’m losing myself. My closest friends live in different countries and I’m emotionally exhausted from holding onto all of my problems without talking about them. I feel like life would be easier to give up rather than fighting constantly with myself, but my family would be distraught over me hurting myself and they’ve done a lot for me so I’m resorting to telling people on the internet in the hope that someone knows how to deal with dark thoughts and the lack of emotions that I don’t feel anymore. - Cereal",Cereal420Blaziken,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fec7t8/dealing_with_major_depressive/,doe anyone suggestion dealing major depressive 20 year old depression since wa around 13 everyday challenge point feel like losing closest friend live different country emotionally exhausted holding onto problem without talking feel like life would easier give rather fighting constantly family would distraught hurting done lot resorting telling people internet hope someone know deal dark thought lack emotion feel anymore cereal,dealing major depressive,cereal 420 bla zi ken,708,29,cereal 420 bla zi ken doe anyone suggestion dealing major depressive 20 year old depression since wa around 13 everyday challenge point feel like losing closest friend live different country emotionally exhausted holding onto problem without talking feel like life would easier give rather fighting constantly family would distraught hurting done lot resorting telling people internet hope someone know deal dark thought lack emotion feel anymore cereal dealing major depressive
Venting a bit,"I realized recently that I might have bipolar disorder based on a couple of friends I know who have it and also the symptom checklists that I have looked at. I have been diagnosed with general anxiety as depression but lately it’s felt more than that, particularly in the swings between extreme optimism and sociability, and pessimism’s day depression. 

Anyways I was looking online and found an online counseling website. One of the boxes you have to fill out is info that the counselor will look over in order to have a better understanding upfront. As I was filling it out I poured my heart into it and explained my feelings better than I ever had to anyone before, even myself. I was feeling like there was hope in figuring out what the fucks going on in my head. Then I hit the “next page” button and it brought me to the payment section.

Never did the website mention that it was a paid thing up until this page. I understand that it’s a business and the counselors have to get paid somehow in order to not do a completely shit job, but the fact that they didn’t mention that until you’ve already broken yourself down and opened up really pissed me off. It felt like they were saying, “okay what’s going on, what’s wrong? Oh no that’s unfortunate, now before I give you any help for all of the super personal stuff you just opened up to me about, I’m gonna need your credit card info. Oh you can’t afford it, well fuck off then.” 

It’s 3:23 am where I live and I feel completely stuck. I am a college student working two jobs just trying to make ends meet while also juggling the exhausting unpredictable bullshit in my head everyday, and the fact that I have to pay for help with something I didn’t ask for and wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy kind of astounds me at the moment. I don’t know where I’d be if I had visited the site without the semi level head that I have right now and had been hit with that price tag for my well being. 

I don’t want to get too political on this sub but honestly fuck capitalism right now 

End of vent gonna delete this tomorrow when the other side of my personality gets mad for posting this 

Hope you all have a good and safe night",mattymckfly,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fec68f/venting_a_bit/,realized recently might bipolar disorder based couple friend know also symptom checklist looked diagnosed general anxiety depression lately felt particularly swing extreme optimism sociability pessimism day depression anyways wa looking online found online counseling website one box fill info counselor look order better understanding upfront wa filling poured heart explained feeling better ever anyone even wa feeling like wa hope figuring fuck going head hit next page button brought payment section never website mention wa paid thing page understand business counselor get paid somehow order completely shit job fact mention already broken opened really pissed felt like saying okay going wrong oh unfortunate give help super personal stuff opened gonna need credit card info oh afford well fuck 3 23 live feel completely stuck college student working two job trying make end meet also juggling exhausting unpredictable bullshit head everyday fact pay help something ask wish worst enemy kind astounds moment know visited site without semi level head right hit price tag well want get political sub honestly fuck capitalism right end vent gonna delete tomorrow side personality get mad posting hope good safe night,venting bit,matt ck fly,2179,13,matt ck fly realized recently might bipolar disorder based couple friend know also symptom checklist looked diagnosed general anxiety depression lately felt particularly swing extreme optimism sociability pessimism day depression anyways wa looking online found online counseling website one box fill info counselor look order better understanding upfront wa filling poured heart explained feeling better ever anyone even wa feeling like wa hope figuring fuck going head hit next page button brought payment section never website mention wa paid thing page understand business counselor get paid somehow order completely shit job fact mention already broken opened really pissed felt like saying okay going wrong oh unfortunate give help super personal stuff opened gonna need credit card info oh afford well fuck 3 23 live feel completely stuck college student working two job trying make end meet also juggling exhausting unpredictable bullshit head everyday fact pay help something ask wish worst enemy kind astounds moment know visited site without semi level head right hit price tag well want get political sub honestly fuck capitalism right end vent gonna delete tomorrow side personality get mad posting hope good safe night venting bit
I feel like my life's not gonna get any better,"I post here and never get any responses but whatever.

I'm going to be turning 20 this year and waking up every morning is getting harder. I feel so lost and like I have no direction. I took a mental health day off from work and all it did was show me how much I don't do. I feel like I have no hobbies, I try play games but I lose interest after 5 minutes, I try work on Writing or Drawing and I lose any motivation almost instantly. The only way I can get any satisfaction is masturbation and afterwards I always feel disgusted with myself. I've tried going to school 2 times now and had to drop out halfway through the semester both times. I just want to stop existing but I don't want to hurt everyone around me.",Infinitell,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea3ct/i_feel_like_my_lifes_not_gonna_get_any_better/,post never get response whatever going turning 20 year waking every morning getting harder feel lost like direction took mental health day work wa show much feel like hobby try play game lose interest 5 minute try work writing drawing lose motivation almost instantly way get satisfaction masturbation afterwards always feel disgusted tried going school 2 time drop halfway semester time want stop existing want hurt everyone around,feel like life gonna get better,infinite,716,46,infinite post never get response whatever going turning 20 year waking every morning getting harder feel lost like direction took mental health day work wa show much feel like hobby try play game lose interest 5 minute try work writing drawing lose motivation almost instantly way get satisfaction masturbation afterwards always feel disgusted tried going school 2 time drop halfway semester time want stop existing want hurt everyone around feel like life gonna get better
I hate that I can’t kill myself,"i’m a coward. i go through every day with so much pain and tears and pretend everything is alright. i need help and i want help, and i get help. but nothing helps. not meds, not therapy, not my partner, not exercise, not my friends, not my family, not even myself. 

it’s so hard. why can’t i just have the option to disappear from the world? why can’t i just die without becoming even bigger of a burden to everyone. why is it so damn fucking hard, i’ve tried my best...",spektve,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea279/i_hate_that_i_cant_kill_myself/,coward go every day much pain tear pretend everything alright need help want help get help nothing help med therapy partner exercise friend family even hard option disappear world die without becoming even bigger burden everyone damn fucking hard tried best,hate kill,pek tv e,471,31,pek tv e coward go every day much pain tear pretend everything alright need help want help get help nothing help med therapy partner exercise friend family even hard option disappear world die without becoming even bigger burden everyone damn fucking hard tried best hate kill
Can I say I have a mental health condition to an employer even if I haven't been diagnosed?,"Hello I am certain that I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for a number of years. As a result I completely withdrawn myself from society but the end of last year it was time for me to get a job, try and put myself back out there and hopefully make myself live bit more comfortably, and maybe give myself a chance of recovering life in my late 20s. I also believe I have dypraxia as I have difficulty talking to people in certain situations but I have complete fluency in others.

However, having got this job I'm experiencing a number of things of which I have experienced in every role since I have been working and that is people are quick to jump to conclusions, and this isn't me being paranoid. This is an accumulation of experiences that are similar for me and I know what will happen in a few months I'll be the most hated person at that job and everyday I go, they will most likely give me hell.

Can I say I have a mental health condition to my employer if I haven't been diagnosed? I don't really want them to personally attack me every time I enter a new workplace because I would like a chance of living too. Why are people so quick to assess one another then give them hell because one person front talk properly? 

I really needed a job which is why I never said anything about a mental health condition as I believe this would have almost certainly affected my chances. 

What should I do? Because if I don't do anything then I know what will happen during this adventure of employment, I will have to leave because of comments and accusations that aren't true. Something doesn't seem right there. Also, I know there is something wrong because hardly want to talk to anyone nowadays. I have no friends out of choice as an example. I dreamt of working very insular jobs growing up. Well may as well kill myself because no one can help they can give me placebos but they won't give me the one thing which will cure depression and other mental illnesses in an instant but they can't give me the job I wanted to do with my life so tell me what is the point? Thank you for reading and your time because it really wasn't worth it",letsmoveon123,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea0xg/can_i_say_i_have_a_mental_health_condition_to_an/,hello certain suffering anxiety depression number year result completely withdrawn society end last year wa time get job try put back hopefully make live bit comfortably maybe give chance recovering life late 20 also believe dypraxia difficulty talking people certain situation complete fluency others however got job experiencing number thing experienced every role since working people quick jump conclusion paranoid accumulation experience similar know happen month hated person job everyday go likely give hell say mental health condition employer diagnosed really want personally attack every time enter new workplace would like chance living people quick ass one another give hell one person front talk properly really needed job never said anything mental health condition believe would almost certainly affected chance anything know happen adventure employment leave comment accusation true something seem right also know something wrong hardly want talk anyone nowadays friend choice example dreamt working insular job growing well may well kill one help give placebo give one thing cure depression mental illness instant give job wanted life tell point thank reading time really worth,say mental health condition employer even diagnosed,let move 123,2153,91,let move 123 hello certain suffering anxiety depression number year result completely withdrawn society end last year wa time get job try put back hopefully make live bit comfortably maybe give chance recovering life late 20 also believe dypraxia difficulty talking people certain situation complete fluency others however got job experiencing number thing experienced every role since working people quick jump conclusion paranoid accumulation experience similar know happen month hated person job everyday go likely give hell say mental health condition employer diagnosed really want personally attack every time enter new workplace would like chance living people quick ass one another give hell one person front talk properly really needed job never said anything mental health condition believe would almost certainly affected chance anything know happen adventure employment leave comment accusation true something seem right also know something wrong hardly want talk anyone nowadays friend choice example dreamt working insular job growing well may well kill one help give placebo give one thing cure depression mental illness instant give job wanted life tell point thank reading time really worth say mental health condition employer even diagnosed
Knowing that people cared about me made me want to kill myself even more.,"A month ago I was feeling suicidal. During that period I had a conversation with my son's 16 year old cousin from his mom's side of the family. During our conversation he mentioned to me how much he cares and looks up to me and how I was the only adult he could talk to about girls, his problems, and guitars (shit all teenage boys like to talk about). After our conversation I started thinking about what he said and about all the people in my life that care/depend on me (my son, parents, friends, etc.). And for some reason it seemed like more of a reason to kill myself. I found comfort in knowing that if I killed myself I would be missed. I knew they would be sad for awhile but eventually they would move on and think about all the good times we had. I liked knowing that despite my decision I would die knowing I had an impact on someones life.

Has anyone else felt that way?

I've been to my psychiatrist and adjusted my meds and know I'm doing great. I just thought I'd share incase someone can relate.",sad_comfort,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9zu3/knowing_that_people_cared_about_me_made_me_want/,month ago wa feeling suicidal period conversation son 16 year old cousin mom side family conversation mentioned much care look wa adult could talk girl problem guitar shit teenage boy like talk conversation started thinking said people life care depend son parent friend etc reason seemed like reason kill found comfort knowing killed would missed knew would sad awhile eventually would move think good time liked knowing despite decision would die knowing impact someone life ha anyone else felt way psychiatrist adjusted med know great thought share incase someone relate,knowing people cared made want kill even,sad comfort,1013,73,sad comfort month ago wa feeling suicidal period conversation son 16 year old cousin mom side family conversation mentioned much care look wa adult could talk girl problem guitar shit teenage boy like talk conversation started thinking said people life care depend son parent friend etc reason seemed like reason kill found comfort knowing killed would missed knew would sad awhile eventually would move think good time liked knowing despite decision would die knowing impact someone life ha anyone else felt way psychiatrist adjusted med know great thought share incase someone relate knowing people cared made want kill even
Literally Careless.,"I’ve been depressed since my last year of school so for 5 years now and nothing seems to make me happy. I’m convinced that life just isn’t for me. Recently I’ve lost everything I’ve got no job no money, I pushed all my friends away and pushed away a girl who loved me and would do anything for me. I block all my problems out and just isolate myself. I don’t open up to anyone I just say I’m fine. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t care about anything anymore. Whatever happens I just don’t care nothing bothers me or phases me I’ve been so unhappy for so long and no one even knows what goes on in my mind. I feel like it’s never ending. Most of the time I don’t want to live. I never tell anyone anything because I feel so embarrassed and people might not believe me but I’ve hid all this for so long... I stay awake because I have nothing to be excited about waking up to. I just don’t know anymore.",qblag,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9zgq/literally_careless/,depressed since last year school 5 year nothing seems make happy convinced life recently lost everything got job money pushed friend away pushed away girl loved would anything block problem isolate open anyone say fine gotten point care anything anymore whatever happens care nothing bother phase unhappy long one even know go mind feel like never ending time want live never tell anyone anything feel embarrassed people might believe hid long stay awake nothing excited waking know anymore,literally careless,qb lag,907,19,qb lag depressed since last year school 5 year nothing seems make happy convinced life recently lost everything got job money pushed friend away pushed away girl loved would anything block problem isolate open anyone say fine gotten point care anything anymore whatever happens care nothing bother phase unhappy long one even know go mind feel like never ending time want live never tell anyone anything feel embarrassed people might believe hid long stay awake nothing excited waking know anymore literally careless
Self harm advice?,"I’ve cut myself with many different things over the years. First my nails, then scissors, then razor blades. It just kept going downhill. I didn’t think it would get this bad, but I have a three week streak of cutting right now. I go deep every time, and I’m happy when I see blood. I’m addicted, but scared. I’m going to a friends place next weekend, and I’m supposed to bring a bathing suit. I don’t know if I can hold off until then. Even now I want to go do it. I still have ones that are healing, I know those will be visible but not that bad. I cut my legs, specifically ankles and shins, because I wear socks every day and to sleep. My friend doesn’t know and I don’t want to go through the trouble of explaining it and making things weird. How do I stop? They’re just cuts I tell myself, but I know there’s some emotional damage. Even if they heal in two weeks I won’t. I don’t know how to put my razor down. Anyone know what to do?",wasps_in_my_anus,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7ioq/self_harm_advice/,cut many different thing year first nail scissors razor blade kept going downhill think would get bad three week streak cutting right go deep every time happy see blood addicted scared going friend place next weekend supposed bring bathing suit know hold even want go still one healing know visible bad cut leg specifically ankle shin wear sock every day sleep friend know want go trouble explaining making thing weird stop cut tell know emotional damage even heal two week know put razor anyone know,self harm advice,wasp anus,940,17,wasp anus cut many different thing year first nail scissors razor blade kept going downhill think would get bad three week streak cutting right go deep every time happy see blood addicted scared going friend place next weekend supposed bring bathing suit know hold even want go still one healing know visible bad cut leg specifically ankle shin wear sock every day sleep friend know want go trouble explaining making thing weird stop cut tell know emotional damage even heal two week know put razor anyone know self harm advice
Memories,"Do you ever just stare up at the roof of your house/apartment and wish you lived in an old rustic cabin in the wood? Having the ability to stare up at the old logs and beams instead of the flat surfaces in modern ones.

I do. I keep dreaming about my gradfathers cottage on the lake and I smile. Then I remember how my life really is and it all comes crashing down. 

Then I wish I was there for different reasons. I look up at my flat roof and wish it was beams, not for memories but so I can tie something up and go to sleep. I just want the pain to stop.",JackVanBurance,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9x4l/memories/,ever stare roof house apartment wish lived old rustic cabin wood ability stare old log beam instead flat surface modern one keep dreaming gradfathers cottage lake smile remember life really come crashing wish wa different reason look flat roof wish wa beam memory tie something go sleep want pain stop,memory,jack van buran ce,557,8,jack van buran ce ever stare roof house apartment wish lived old rustic cabin wood ability stare old log beam instead flat surface modern one keep dreaming gradfathers cottage lake smile remember life really come crashing wish wa different reason look flat roof wish wa beam memory tie something go sleep want pain stop memory
"I have nothing to look forward to anymore, life feels empty and pointless","I've lost interest in everything i used to be passionate about before, cant seem to enjoy or appreciate anything in life anymore. always feeling somehow empty and pointless, always looking for might be the missing thing in my life. I tried a lot of things and nothing actually works it only gives that temporary satisfaction only to realize that nothing have changed and i still feel the same way. I don't wanna jump to conclusions and say I'm depressed but tbh idk what it is that I'm feeling anymore. life just seems like a chore, going to uni just to get a degree, work, make money and pay back my parents, I'm not even interested in what I'm studying anymore. I'm so unsatisfied and disappointed in myself and don't want my parents to know or feel that their only son is a complete failure. i would appreciate any tips or advice because I'm clueless.",Drdarkgamer,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3vr6/i_have_nothing_to_look_forward_to_anymore_life/,lost interest everything used passionate cant seem enjoy appreciate anything life anymore always feeling somehow empty pointless always looking might missing thing life tried lot thing nothing actually work give temporary satisfaction realize nothing changed still feel way wanna jump conclusion say depressed tbh idk feeling anymore life seems like chore going uni get degree work make money pay back parent even interested studying anymore unsatisfied disappointed want parent know feel son complete failure would appreciate tip advice clueless,nothing look forward anymore life feel empty pointless,dr dark gamer,854,73,dr dark gamer lost interest everything used passionate cant seem enjoy appreciate anything life anymore always feeling somehow empty pointless always looking might missing thing life tried lot thing nothing actually work give temporary satisfaction realize nothing changed still feel way wanna jump conclusion say depressed tbh idk feeling anymore life seems like chore going uni get degree work make money pay back parent even interested studying anymore unsatisfied disappointed want parent know feel son complete failure would appreciate tip advice clueless nothing look forward anymore life feel empty pointless
I'm scared,Been fighting with depression for a couple of years now and it has been an uphill battle. Just talked to my doctor yesterday and got diagnosed with bipolar on top of my PTSD from the military. I'm so scared and feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I'm afraid of reaching out to friends out of fear of them leaving me. I only have my brother and I'm scared of how he's going to react since our mother had bipolar as well and ended up committing suicide when I was 15 and he was 18. I just want to be normal and be able to talk about this with someone. Anyone that knows what I'm going through or would like to reach out is appreciated.,Justforfunsies99,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9vdp/im_scared/,fighting depression couple year ha uphill battle talked doctor yesterday got diagnosed bipolar top ptsd military scared feel like one talk afraid reaching friend fear leaving brother scared going react since mother bipolar well ended committing suicide wa 15 wa 18 want normal able talk someone anyone know going would like reach appreciated,scared,fun sies 99,642,10,fun sies 99 fighting depression couple year ha uphill battle talked doctor yesterday got diagnosed bipolar top ptsd military scared feel like one talk afraid reaching friend fear leaving brother scared going react since mother bipolar well ended committing suicide wa 15 wa 18 want normal able talk someone anyone know going would like reach appreciated scared
I am not okay,"Coping is no longer working. I'm not actively suicidal, but passive. I'm peeling my fingers bloody. Chewing my lip bloody. I want to shave my head. The last time I did that I was 21 and in serious need of mental health help. Or a hug. Who knows. I have chronic pain that is awful the last few years, relationship problems that he won't work out with me because he chooses to be stubborn and stand offish. 


I don't know how much more of life I can handle without cracking and shattering. It's been mostly abuse and loneliness with a few brief happy moments. I've inherited every crazy gene in the family on top of that. I don't know how much I can take. So I want to shave my head because that will help.. somehow, I don't know. 


I'm just struggling in general. I don't know how to cope anymore. Journaling helps for a few minutes. Crafting helps for a few minutes. Standing in the sun helps for a few minutes. I don't know how else to feel better because nothing feels better for long. 


I automatically start rocking in a chair every time I sit in it, I'm rocking myself as I wrote this. The chair isn't a rocking chair.",lemonlollipop,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9utj/i_am_not_okay/,coping longer working actively suicidal passive peeling finger bloody chewing lip bloody want shave head last time wa 21 serious need mental health help hug know chronic pain awful last year relationship problem work chooses stubborn stand offish know much life handle without cracking shattering mostly abuse loneliness brief happy moment inherited every crazy gene family top know much take want shave head help somehow know struggling general know cope anymore journaling help minute crafting help minute standing sun help minute know else feel better nothing feel better long automatically start rocking chair every time sit rocking wrote chair rocking chair,okay,lemon lollipop,1126,13,lemon lollipop coping longer working actively suicidal passive peeling finger bloody chewing lip bloody want shave head last time wa 21 serious need mental health help hug know chronic pain awful last year relationship problem work chooses stubborn stand offish know much life handle without cracking shattering mostly abuse loneliness brief happy moment inherited every crazy gene family top know much take want shave head help somehow know struggling general know cope anymore journaling help minute crafting help minute standing sun help minute know else feel better nothing feel better long automatically start rocking chair every time sit rocking wrote chair rocking chair okay
I can't take it anymore I am tired of trying,"i feel like am faling apart like worses then back i also feel like im losing myself tha makes me feel so weird and empty i just want to end it it al get so worse those feelingn that i started cutting while i made a promise to my friend i would never do it again i feel so depressed al i can do is wait til it gets better and pretend im al right even tough its hard somtimes ik i wil get trough it music also helps me alot and im realy thankful for the people who try to help me on the otherside i dont need there help i can do it on my own... i feel realy weird and bad for lying to everyone about how i feel but somtimes its just better not to tel the truth but then later on when you wanna tell the truth it only gets worser im so scared to tel my parents and im also scare that they wont understand it so i better dont tel them i dont wnat to give them more worries then they already have. i feel so wothless i can do nothing right i fail al my math test and then they say ""study more"" while i study 16 hours my parents are also a lil disappointed in me cuz i dont have good grades but if they would only know whats wrong with my mind they would react different im sure but im just to scared to tel them i dont wanna let them down but i feel like am already doing it... life is not what i tought it was.. i was so dumb to think that life was easy...",depressedunicorn_,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febu32/i_cant_take_it_anymore_i_am_tired_of_trying/,feel like faling apart like worse back also feel like im losing tha make feel weird empty want end al get worse feelingn started cutting made promise friend would never feel depressed al wait til get better pretend im al right even tough hard somtimes ik wil get trough music also help alot im realy thankful people try help otherside dont need help feel realy weird bad lying everyone feel somtimes better tel truth later wanna tell truth get worser im scared tel parent im also scare wont understand better dont tel dont wnat give worry already feel wothless nothing right fail al math test say study study 16 hour parent also lil disappointed cuz dont good grade would know whats wrong mind would react different im sure im scared tel dont wanna let feel like already life tought wa wa dumb think life wa easy,take anymore tired trying,depressed unicorn,1352,44,depressed unicorn feel like faling apart like worse back also feel like im losing tha make feel weird empty want end al get worse feelingn started cutting made promise friend would never feel depressed al wait til get better pretend im al right even tough hard somtimes ik wil get trough music also help alot im realy thankful people try help otherside dont need help feel realy weird bad lying everyone feel somtimes better tel truth later wanna tell truth get worser im scared tel parent im also scare wont understand better dont tel dont wnat give worry already feel wothless nothing right fail al math test say study study 16 hour parent also lil disappointed cuz dont good grade would know whats wrong mind would react different im sure im scared tel dont wanna let feel like already life tought wa wa dumb think life wa easy take anymore tired trying
I'm such a loser,"I am so fucking lonely. I wish I had a significant other or a friend to tell me everything is going to be ok, that I don't need to give up and kill myself. That I don't need to worry so much about my future.. I just crave attention. The lack of human contact is depressing. At least I have a family, but will I just live with my mom forever? without ever having my own house, my own money, my own life?

Everything seems so uninteresting and boring. I'm just so tired of having no motivation to chase my goals. I feel like I once I had the potencial to have a good life, but somewhere on the way I lost my purpose. I'm still young but I feel like I've missed out on so much already.

I hate myself. I hate my inability to live a normal life.

Guess I'll just listen to sad music, drink alcohol, masturbate to porn, and cry myself to sleep tonight like every other day. At least I get to feel something. My mind is so broken, I'm just a piece of trash, a sad excuse for a human being.

I'm a talentless loser. Even If I wanted, I couldn't be succesful in any career or job. I'm too slow, too dumb.

This sub is nice to chat with other people in a similiar situation, but it's also just an illusion. It's not like anyone here cares about me either. Every single day I think about comitting suicide and I really feel like I'll do it in the next few days. In a way I feel kinda guilty for having those thoughts cause I really think this earth is amazing, I hate myself for wasting my life like that but I think it's the only way i'll feel at peace with myself, though I admit i'm scared of death, I'm scared of the emptiness that will come after. but I'm also scared of the emptiness I feel now, while I'm still breathing yet unable to feel true joy and enjoy it to the fullest. I guess 2019 is my last year. I'm crying as I type this, I just wish things were different, I wish I was much more than I am now. I rarely leave the house but when I do I always feel a bit sadder when I see a couple together or just a group of friends having fun. I know I'm too awkward and weird to live life like they do. I know it's pathetic, but it's just the way it is. And obviously I have big self steem issues and hate the way I look. Every time I look in the mirror I think of how ugly and disgusting I am, I actually try to avoid looking because I know I'll get depressed(more than I usually am on a regular day). I keep writing these posts on reddit because it's better to share the way I'm feeling than just rot in my room, maybe I can find some cool person to chat with and make my existence a bit less miserable? who knows. I really feel sorry for my parents, cause they have no idea how I really feel, and I just can't picture myself saying all this to them. I wish I could kill myself without making my family suffer. They don't need to just because I'm a piece of shit loser

I just can't",Who_Is_JohnGalt_2,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe77sw/im_such_a_loser/,fucking lonely wish significant friend tell everything going ok need give kill need worry much future crave attention lack human contact depressing least family live mom forever without ever house money life everything seems uninteresting boring tired motivation chase goal feel like potencial good life somewhere way lost purpose still young feel like missed much already hate hate inability live normal life guess listen sad music drink alcohol masturbate porn cry sleep tonight like every day least get feel something mind broken piece trash sad excuse human talentless loser even wanted succesful career job slow dumb sub nice chat people similiar situation also illusion like anyone care either every single day think comitting suicide really feel like next day way feel kinda guilty thought cause really think earth amazing hate wasting life like think way feel peace though admit scared death scared emptiness come also scared emptiness feel still breathing yet unable feel true joy enjoy fullest guess 2019 last year cry type wish thing different wish wa much rarely leave house always feel bit sadder see couple together group friend fun know awkward weird live life like know pathetic way obviously big self steem issue hate way look every time look mirror think ugly disgusting actually try avoid looking know get depressed usually regular day keep writing post reddit better share way feeling rot room maybe find cool person chat make existence bit le miserable know really feel sorry parent cause idea really feel picture saying wish could kill without making family suffer need piece shit loser,loser,john galt 2,2880,16,john galt 2 fucking lonely wish significant friend tell everything going ok need give kill need worry much future crave attention lack human contact depressing least family live mom forever without ever house money life everything seems uninteresting boring tired motivation chase goal feel like potencial good life somewhere way lost purpose still young feel like missed much already hate hate inability live normal life guess listen sad music drink alcohol masturbate porn cry sleep tonight like every day least get feel something mind broken piece trash sad excuse human talentless loser even wanted succesful career job slow dumb sub nice chat people similiar situation also illusion like anyone care either every single day think comitting suicide really feel like next day way feel kinda guilty thought cause really think earth amazing hate wasting life like think way feel peace though admit scared death scared emptiness come also scared emptiness feel still breathing yet unable feel true joy enjoy fullest guess 2019 last year cry type wish thing different wish wa much rarely leave house always feel bit sadder see couple together group friend fun know awkward weird live life like know pathetic way obviously big self steem issue hate way look every time look mirror think ugly disgusting actually try avoid looking know get depressed usually regular day keep writing post reddit better share way feeling rot room maybe find cool person chat make existence bit le miserable know really feel sorry parent cause idea really feel picture saying wish could kill without making family suffer need piece shit loser loser
I know there’s something wrong with me and I hate that I can’t figure out why,"I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I have no idea why and I hate it so much. Nothing ever seems to go right for me and I’m stuck in this stupid rut and I’m so fucking tired of it. My life is one long loop and I feel like there’s no purpose to any of it and I honestly just want it to be over because I have no idea what to do. I don’t have the energy to do anything I love anymore and nothing makes me happy because even if it’s going well I know that it’s just on the surface and deep down I still wish I was dead. I worthless, like I just take up space and I don’t deserve to get help. My little sister started going to therapy last year after my parents found out she was harming herself but I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve sat on the floor sobbing to my mom about how I can’t take being alive anymore and no one has done anything to try to help me. I’m begging for someone to help because I feel like no one cares. 

The worst part is being tired. I’m so fucking sick of being exhausted no matter what I do. I’m always in a fog no matter how much sleep I get and I can’t focus or think. My head always hurts. I feel like my body is shutting down. I don’t have an appetite and I lost about 20 lbs since the summer. I gained some back and started hating the way I look so that’s going for me too now. Now I don’t eat because 1. it makes me feel sick 2. I hate the way I look 3. I know it’ll hurt me. I’m fucking sick of all of it. 

For my entire life, I’m supposed to have been perfect. I can’t admit any of this to anyone because I’m so scared of being pitied or being vulnerable. My grades are slipping and I don’t know how to deal with it because my entire life is being a perfect student who’s going to get into a perfect college and if I can’t do that I’m fucking worthless and I should just be dead. On top of all that I think I might be a lesbian, and that is one of the things I hate most about myself, more than my body or personality or grades or anything else. 

I think about killing myself every single day but I’m too scared to do it. I have a plan and I have a suicide note written down just in case so it’s ready if I decide to ever do it. I don’t even want to die. I just want all of this garbage to be over. I’m 17 and I feel like I’m not going to make it another year if things keep going the way they are and I’m honestly scared. I just wish I was never born so that I wouldn’t even have to go through killing myself and that way no one would be hurt if I was dead. If I die I don’t have to apply to college or come out or worry about failing any more or eat or hate the way I look or hurt myself or anything because it would all just be over and I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit.  I’m so fucking tired of all of it. I can’t even think of a legit reason why I feel this way and that’s what I hate most of all. Everything is going wrong and there’s no tangible reason why and that makes me want to panic. I’m so frustrated and I have no outlet for any of it and I don’t even feel like a human any more. My whole life is barely keeping my head above water in school, coming home and chugging green tea so I don’t eat, and wanting to kill myself when something small goes wrong. I just want it to be over. 

tldr I wish I was dead and I don’t know why",yugoslaviajpg,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8bot/i_know_theres_something_wrong_with_me_and_i_hate/,feel like life spiraling control idea hate much nothing ever seems go right stuck stupid rut fucking tired life one long loop feel like purpose honestly want idea energy anything love anymore nothing make happy even going well know surface deep still wish wa dead worthless like take space deserve get help little sister started going therapy last year parent found wa harming even count amount time sat floor sobbing mom take alive anymore one ha done anything try help begging someone help feel like one care worst part tired fucking sick exhausted matter always fog matter much sleep get focus think head always hurt feel like body shutting appetite lost 20 lb since summer gained back started hating way look going eat 1 make feel sick 2 hate way look 3 know hurt fucking sick entire life supposed perfect admit anyone scared pitied vulnerable grade slipping know deal entire life perfect student going get perfect college fucking worthless dead top think might lesbian one thing hate body personality grade anything else think killing every single day scared plan suicide note written case ready decide ever even want die want garbage 17 feel like going make another year thing keep going way honestly scared wish wa never born even go killing way one would hurt wa dead die apply college come worry failing eat hate way look hurt anything would deal shit fucking tired even think legit reason feel way hate everything going wrong tangible reason make want panic frustrated outlet even feel like human whole life barely keeping head water school coming home chugging green tea eat wanting kill something small go wrong want tldr wish wa dead know,know something wrong hate figure,yugoslavia jpg,3313,77,yugoslavia jpg feel like life spiraling control idea hate much nothing ever seems go right stuck stupid rut fucking tired life one long loop feel like purpose honestly want idea energy anything love anymore nothing make happy even going well know surface deep still wish wa dead worthless like take space deserve get help little sister started going therapy last year parent found wa harming even count amount time sat floor sobbing mom take alive anymore one ha done anything try help begging someone help feel like one care worst part tired fucking sick exhausted matter always fog matter much sleep get focus think head always hurt feel like body shutting appetite lost 20 lb since summer gained back started hating way look going eat 1 make feel sick 2 hate way look 3 know hurt fucking sick entire life supposed perfect admit anyone scared pitied vulnerable grade slipping know deal entire life perfect student going get perfect college fucking worthless dead top think might lesbian one thing hate body personality grade anything else think killing every single day scared plan suicide note written case ready decide ever even want die want garbage 17 feel like going make another year thing keep going way honestly scared wish wa never born even go killing way one would hurt wa dead die apply college come worry failing eat hate way look hurt anything would deal shit fucking tired even think legit reason feel way hate everything going wrong tangible reason make want panic frustrated outlet even feel like human whole life barely keeping head water school coming home chugging green tea eat wanting kill something small go wrong want tldr wish wa dead know know something wrong hate figure
Secretariat was right,"I'm rewatching Bojack Horseman on Netflix for the umpteenth time because that's the only thing I do that I enjoy anymore. 

I've recently noticed that in the show Secretariat is right, that you should never stop ruining, never look back, all that you have is what's ahead. That's what I've been doing and it seems to be working as long as I don't stop. 

My last relationship almost killed me, my ex was abusive. Before her I survived since shit, sexual assaults and the like. I've done terrible things too, things for survival, some things simply because I was a bastard.

Now i keep myself busy. I work 50+ hrs and volunteer  for the entire weekend. I have pets that need constant attention, and I'm constantly moving. When I'm not running around I always have a drink in hand. It works. The only time I look back is when I'm falling asleep,  that's the worst. That's when I can't escape it. Thankfully sleep cones soon. But I need to keep moving. If I stop I'll be consumed. Im terrified of that. I can't handle that. I can't relive it, I just can't. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I come from a long line of alcoholics and I'm fast on my way to join them. I'm so tired but I can't risk showing down. I just wish it would end but I'm too scared to do anything about it. I'm ruining as fast and as hard as I can but I'm slowing down and it's catching up. I thought it would get easier but it isn't.",SonOfNothing93,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe75um/secretariat_was_right/,rewatching bojack horseman netflix umpteenth time thing enjoy anymore recently noticed show secretariat right never stop ruining never look back ahead seems working long stop last relationship almost killed ex wa abusive survived since shit sexual assault like done terrible thing thing survival thing simply wa bastard keep busy work 50 hr volunteer entire weekend pet need constant attention constantly moving running around always drink hand work time look back falling asleep worst escape thankfully sleep cone soon need keep moving stop consumed im terrified handle relive know anymore come long line alcoholic fast way join tired risk showing wish would end scared anything ruining fast hard slowing catching thought would get easier,secretariat wa right,son nothing 93,1404,21,son nothing 93 rewatching bojack horseman netflix umpteenth time thing enjoy anymore recently noticed show secretariat right never stop ruining never look back ahead seems working long stop last relationship almost killed ex wa abusive survived since shit sexual assault like done terrible thing thing survival thing simply wa bastard keep busy work 50 hr volunteer entire weekend pet need constant attention constantly moving running around always drink hand work time look back falling asleep worst escape thankfully sleep cone soon need keep moving stop consumed im terrified handle relive know anymore come long line alcoholic fast way join tired risk showing wish would end scared anything ruining fast hard slowing catching thought would get easier secretariat wa right
I hate myself MASSIVELY.,"Okay, here it goes. I don’t really care if this isn’t a throwaway account, it’s whatever.

During the beginning of my teenage years, (13) I didn’t care about anything, how i looked, or anything of that sort. Looking in mirrors was fine, and life was good.

When i hit 14 i sent a really horrible selfie of myself to a group of online friends, was bullied really bad for it, and so on. From then on i’ve been incredibly alert of myself, if you know what i mean. 

I stayed with this friend group because they were the only people i knew and could talk to, my parents hated me for being gay, and my brothers only took in their footsteps. After this, i just completely broke down, got so insecure that i wore a jacket for a year because i was so scared of anyone seeing me. That ended when i was 14. 

I stopped because i just decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and that i was the only problem in that situation. Since then, it’s only gotten worse. I now spend all time i can get in my room, under a blanket, won’t call anyone because i don’t want anyone to hear how bad i sound, don’t let anyone see me because of how bad i look, etc. 

I’ve attempted suicide once, and that one time my dad walked in on me trying to hang myself. I’ve given it lots of thought since then, and honestly, every day it feels like a better option.

I don’t know why i’m posting this, something in me told me to post this here. Hope everyone reading this has a fantastic day, though.",GalaxySeries,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe74mk/i_hate_myself_massively/,okay go really care throwaway account whatever beginning teenage year 13 care anything looked anything sort looking mirror wa fine life wa good hit 14 sent really horrible selfie group online friend wa bullied really bad incredibly alert know mean stayed friend group people knew could talk parent hated gay brother took footstep completely broke got insecure wore jacket year wa scared anyone seeing ended wa 14 stopped decided stop feeling sorry wa problem situation since gotten worse spend time get room blanket call anyone want anyone hear bad sound let anyone see bad look etc attempted suicide one time dad walked trying hang given lot thought since honestly every day feel like better option know posting something told post hope everyone reading ha fantastic day though,hate massively,galaxy series,1465,24,galaxy series okay go really care throwaway account whatever beginning teenage year 13 care anything looked anything sort looking mirror wa fine life wa good hit 14 sent really horrible selfie group online friend wa bullied really bad incredibly alert know mean stayed friend group people knew could talk parent hated gay brother took footstep completely broke got insecure wore jacket year wa scared anyone seeing ended wa 14 stopped decided stop feeling sorry wa problem situation since gotten worse spend time get room blanket call anyone want anyone hear bad sound let anyone see bad look etc attempted suicide one time dad walked trying hang given lot thought since honestly every day feel like better option know posting something told post hope everyone reading ha fantastic day though hate massively
I’ve lost the first battle,"I used to bottle things up. Hope they would just pass without causing any problems... they usually would and because of that I thought it would be a good way to deal with stress and all of that. I was wrong. Ever since I tried being more and meeting more people and making my life more exciting it just hasn’t worked. If anything it made things worse. Stuff just keeps getting added to my bottle and now the cap doesn’t even fit on the top. It’s affecting the people I’m around and I don’t like it but I also don’t want to tell them what is wrong because I don’t want them to worry or be concerned. My feelings are leaking and I don’t like it because they are noticing. I feel like I’m doing more harm to them by not telling them. I just want everyone to be ok but I don’t want them to know...suicide has been a very present thought in my head but I don’t want to leave...it would just hurt them more..hopefully my thoughts on that won’t change or else I won’t be here for long...

Sorry if this is worded very poorly I’m just trying to type as it comes to mind",icouldusesome_help,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4oug/ive_lost_the_first_battle/,used bottle thing hope would pas without causing problem usually would thought would good way deal stress wa wrong ever since tried meeting people making life exciting worked anything made thing worse stuff keep getting added bottle cap even fit top affecting people around like also want tell wrong want worry concerned feeling leaking like noticing feel like harm telling want everyone ok want know suicide ha present thought head want leave would hurt hopefully thought change else long sorry worded poorly trying type come mind,lost first battle,could use help,1061,26,could use help used bottle thing hope would pas without causing problem usually would thought would good way deal stress wa wrong ever since tried meeting people making life exciting worked anything made thing worse stuff keep getting added bottle cap even fit top affecting people around like also want tell wrong want worry concerned feeling leaking like noticing feel like harm telling want everyone ok want know suicide ha present thought head want leave would hurt hopefully thought change else long sorry worded poorly trying type come mind lost first battle
I think I might be boring,"I don’t think there’s any original part about me 
I’m just a patch work of other people over what’s there to make it seem interesting
Just a bunch of tacky patches on a worn out denim jacket",glychyaenidae,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe73zo/i_think_i_might_be_boring/,think original part patch work people make seem interesting bunch tacky patch worn denim jacket,think might boring,gly ch ya enid e,190,25,gly ch ya enid e think original part patch work people make seem interesting bunch tacky patch worn denim jacket think might boring
I'm so tired of being so neurotic.,"It feels like every other moment is spent worrying or being depressed, sometimes without a direct reason at all. I'll just start feeling terrible for no reason. Sometimes I have to ask myself, ""Why am I feeling this way? Am I actually in any kind of danger?"" And the vast majority of the time the answer is no. 

I'm already on meds, and yet I'm still so bad.",SausageSlam,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0w3v/im_so_tired_of_being_so_neurotic/,feel like every moment spent worrying depressed sometimes without direct reason start feeling terrible reason sometimes ask feeling way actually kind danger vast majority time answer already med yet still bad,tired neurotic,sausage slam,359,34,sausage slam feel like every moment spent worrying depressed sometimes without direct reason start feeling terrible reason sometimes ask feeling way actually kind danger vast majority time answer already med yet still bad tired neurotic
Today I hate myself more than I usually do,"I did something stupid. 

I only talk to one person about my mental health. She is the only person who has ever helped me not be depressed. After being depressed and okay-ish at my best for about a decade, talking to her made me feel happy. And it wasn't just for a minute, an hour, or a day. I felt happy for about half a year. 

That was what led me to tell her. I wanted to thank her, and I couldn't say thank you without telling her why. When I told her about my mental health, she was supportive. Even though I haven't felt happy in about five months, I still look forward to talking to her.

But today I did something stupid. I started an argument over something that so trivial that one noticed it. Usually when I am speaking to anyone, I try to think about what I say before I say it, because I would hate to say anything that bothers people, but not today. Today, I when I was with her, I didn't once stop to think about what I was saying. If it came to mind, I said it. 

I didn't think she was bothered until she told tried to tell me something like ""I spend my whole life making sure I don't... Isn't it ironic that that I end up doing that?"" As she said that, I saw her face get red and ber eyes start to tear up a little. And I realized that I was being a fucking asshole. 

She has never asked me to do anything. Not a single time. She has helped me when I am having suicidal thought. She has helped me when I feel like I am about to have a mental breakdown. She has helped me through a lot. And I just go and return the favor by being the worst person to her.

I have been trying to distance myself from her, because in the past couple of months, life just hasn't felt like its for me. I don't think that I should ever feel better. Depression is exactly what I deserve. Everytime I have caught myself feeling a little better, I just tell myself what I have to feel like shit again. Now, I will find it easier to no longer talk to her. As much as I looked forward to talking to her, I look forward to her forgetting me.

There isn't a whole lot keeping me from having the thought that makes me take my last, she is one of the two things that even just thinking of her helps me keep the suicidal thoughts just thoughts. I think she still wants to talk, and I know I will see her for at least the next 2 months, but when those 2 months are up. I won't talk to her, and I will do everything that I can to keep me from ever talking to her again. I don't want to make her sad or ever make her cry again.

Right now, I know I probably won't gather up the courage to end it, because I still have to see her. But I did resently take up self harm. I started by hitting my upper thigh, so no one would see the marks. Recently, I started growing out my hair, so that no one will notice that I started hitting my head. A while after I see her for my last time, the odds that I'll finally do it will rise.

I fucking hate that I possibly made someone feel anywhere near how if feel most of the time. I hate myself even more for doing it to the only person I have ever felt safe enough to tell everything about anything.",IH8MyThoughtsAtTimes,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9mia/today_i_hate_myself_more_than_i_usually_do/,something stupid talk one person mental health person ha ever helped depressed depressed okay ish best decade talking made feel happy minute hour day felt happy half year wa led tell wanted thank say thank without telling told mental health wa supportive even though felt happy five month still look forward talking today something stupid started argument something trivial one noticed usually speaking anyone try think say say would hate say anything bother people today today wa stop think wa saying came mind said think wa bothered told tried tell something like spend whole life making sure ironic end said saw face get red ber eye start tear little realized wa fucking asshole ha never asked anything single time ha helped suicidal thought ha helped feel like mental breakdown ha helped lot go return favor worst person trying distance past couple month life felt like think ever feel better depression exactly deserve everytime caught feeling little better tell feel like shit find easier longer talk much looked forward talking look forward forgetting whole lot keeping thought make take last one two thing even thinking help keep suicidal thought thought think still want talk know see least next 2 month 2 month talk everything keep ever talking want make sad ever make cry right know probably gather courage end still see resently take self harm started hitting upper thigh one would see mark recently started growing hair one notice started hitting head see last time odds finally rise fucking hate possibly made someone feel anywhere near feel time hate even person ever felt safe enough tell everything anything,today hate usually,ih 8 thought time,3121,42,ih 8 thought time something stupid talk one person mental health person ha ever helped depressed depressed okay ish best decade talking made feel happy minute hour day felt happy half year wa led tell wanted thank say thank without telling told mental health wa supportive even though felt happy five month still look forward talking today something stupid started argument something trivial one noticed usually speaking anyone try think say say would hate say anything bother people today today wa stop think wa saying came mind said think wa bothered told tried tell something like spend whole life making sure ironic end said saw face get red ber eye start tear little realized wa fucking asshole ha never asked anything single time ha helped suicidal thought ha helped feel like mental breakdown ha helped lot go return favor worst person trying distance past couple month life felt like think ever feel better depression exactly deserve everytime caught feeling little better tell feel like shit find easier longer talk much looked forward talking look forward forgetting whole lot keeping thought make take last one two thing even thinking help keep suicidal thought thought think still want talk know see least next 2 month 2 month talk everything keep ever talking want make sad ever make cry right know probably gather courage end still see resently take self harm started hitting upper thigh one would see mark recently started growing hair one notice started hitting head see last time odds finally rise fucking hate possibly made someone feel anywhere near feel time hate even person ever felt safe enough tell everything anything today hate usually
I hate waking up,Immediately being overwhelmed with all of the thoughts that I was able to escape in sleep. Just a wave of feeling like complete and utter garbage overtaking my mind as soon as I’m able to open my eyes. Remembering the things the things that’ve ruined my life up until this point.,simply_crestfallen,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/febmrf/i_hate_waking_up/,immediately overwhelmed thought wa able escape sleep wave feeling like complete utter garbage overtaking mind soon able open eye remembering thing thing ruined life point,hate waking,simply crestfallen,279,16,simply crestfallen immediately overwhelmed thought wa able escape sleep wave feeling like complete utter garbage overtaking mind soon able open eye remembering thing thing ruined life point hate waking
An Uncormfortable Conversation,"Sometimes life can be too much. We can often feel like sharing how depressed we are is being burdensome to those we love but all of the people who care about you, would much rather hear about how unwell you've been feeling instead of seeing you crack or break down or have to go to your funeral. It may not be comfortable but we have to be bold in our sharing with our friends because at the end of the day our people are all we have. Please, if you need to talk, dont keep it in. Find someone to talk to.",AlexHSucks,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7222/an_uncormfortable_conversation/,sometimes life much often feel like sharing depressed burdensome love people care would much rather hear unwell feeling instead seeing crack break go funeral may comfortable bold sharing friend end day people please need talk dont keep find someone talk,uncormfortable conversation,alex h suck,505,30,alex h suck sometimes life much often feel like sharing depressed burdensome love people care would much rather hear unwell feeling instead seeing crack break go funeral may comfortable bold sharing friend end day people please need talk dont keep find someone talk uncormfortable conversation
Songs to help me cry?,I want to cry to relieve some pain but I can’t.,silencelocked,31,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0ilv/songs_to_help_me_cry/,want cry relieve pain,song help cry,silence locked,47,21,silence locked want cry relieve pain song help cry
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE THIS,JUST LET ME OUT OF THIS WORLD WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE LMAO!!!! FUCK THIS STUPID UNIVERSE,IlluminatedGame,12,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsa10/fuck_fuck_fuck_fuck_fuck_i_hate_this/,let world without hurting anyone lmao fuck stupid universe,fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hate,illuminated game,87,36,illuminated game let world without hurting anyone lmao fuck stupid universe fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck hate
My grandmother died and I feel lost,"I wasn't very close to my grandmother, in fact I haven't seen her in years but my mom is in so much pain I don't know how to cope with life. Just before this happened I was planning my suicide because I've been dealing with depression for most of my life and now that this happened.. it almost feels like  ""god""(I'm not religious but this is how I feel about things, since everything is so terrible I just start having these delusional thoughts)  instead of putting something good in my life to make me want to live, decided to put something terrible to force me to be alive for longer so I have more time to suffer, almost like I'm paying for my past sins,  I've always tried so hard to make my life and my family's  life better but I only see it deteriorate so at this point it only makes sense to leave.. The only things that make me feel happy are things from the past they have no more influence on my present life, is it fair to live just because you have good memories? These memories are slowly disappearing.. I feel so sad about having such a negative view of life because I am aware that life has beautiful things and I feel lot of guilt about my suicidal thoughts, I feel sad for my family, I feel sad for my past self, I feel bad for whoever crated life seeing me so unhappy with what they gave me, almost like someone gave me my life as a present and I want to throw it away..",ireallylikebaklava,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3vgz/my_grandmother_died_and_i_feel_lost/,close grandmother fact seen year mom much pain know cope life happened wa planning suicide dealing depression life happened almost feel like god religious feel thing since everything terrible start delusional thought instead putting something good life make want live decided put something terrible force alive longer time suffer almost like paying past sin always tried hard make life family life better see deteriorate point make sense leave thing make feel happy thing past influence present life fair live good memory memory slowly disappearing feel sad negative view life aware life ha beautiful thing feel lot guilt suicidal thought feel sad family feel sad past self feel bad whoever crated life seeing unhappy gave almost like someone gave life present want throw away,grandmother died feel lost,really like baklava,1389,35,really like baklava close grandmother fact seen year mom much pain know cope life happened wa planning suicide dealing depression life happened almost feel like god religious feel thing since everything terrible start delusional thought instead putting something good life make want live decided put something terrible force alive longer time suffer almost like paying past sin always tried hard make life family life better see deteriorate point make sense leave thing make feel happy thing past influence present life fair live good memory memory slowly disappearing feel sad negative view life aware life ha beautiful thing feel lot guilt suicidal thought feel sad family feel sad past self feel bad whoever crated life seeing unhappy gave almost like someone gave life present want throw away grandmother died feel lost
Sleeping is the best time of the day for me,"The only time I don't have to think about my shitty life is when I'm sleeping, I spend the whole day and week depressed, my only escape from my depression are my novels and YouTube, otherwise I'd be waiting for the weekend to come so I can drink my ass off and think about death, I know this is all my fault, sometimes I have thoughts about changing to the better and actually getting a hold of my life, be committed and face the reality, but things are  already too messed up for me to control them, turns out it's true ; the more you ignore your problema the worse they get",osi_16,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5yb1/sleeping_is_the_best_time_of_the_day_for_me/,time think shitty life sleeping spend whole day week depressed escape depression novel youtube otherwise waiting weekend come drink think death know fault sometimes thought changing better actually getting hold life committed face reality thing already messed control turn true ignore problema worse get,sleeping best time day,osi 16,575,43,osi 16 time think shitty life sleeping spend whole day week depressed escape depression novel youtube otherwise waiting weekend come drink think death know fault sometimes thought changing better actually getting hold life committed face reality thing already messed control turn true ignore problema worse get sleeping best time day
annoying,"you ever just feel so fucking annoying to someone? like when they’re like “i feel like a dad listening to his dumbass kid” or like “i didn’t ask tho :/“ and it makes you wanna dig  yourself into a hole and never wanna come out?

this has happened on so many occasions n honestly im sick of myself caring about what they think. i usually don’t but this one hurts chief",throwaway82949294929,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe82k1/annoying/,ever feel fucking annoying someone like like feel like dad listening dumbass kid like ask tho make wanna dig hole never wanna come ha happened many occasion n honestly im sick caring think usually one hurt chief,annoying,throwaway 82949294929,367,8,throwaway 82949294929 ever feel fucking annoying someone like like feel like dad listening dumbass kid like ask tho make wanna dig hole never wanna come ha happened many occasion n honestly im sick caring think usually one hurt chief annoying
Why suddenly I start crying?,"I'm here again, posting, waiting for someone to tell something good bc nobody does it and I'm getting sick of it

Suddenly, in the middle of the day, I just start crying, I don't know why, or maybe yes, but I can't deal with the fact that it's always the same shit every time.

I stop what I am doing and I start crying, thinking about my life, getting afraid of the future, will I ever be loved? Why my friends don't call me? Why they hang out without me? Why everyone think that I am shit? The things I like, I do and I want.

Just write me something nice please",BelialMephisto,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2q42/why_suddenly_i_start_crying/,posting waiting someone tell something good bc nobody doe getting sick suddenly middle day start cry know maybe yes deal fact always shit every time stop start cry thinking life getting afraid future ever loved friend call hang without everyone think shit thing like want write something nice please,suddenly start cry,beli al mep,564,28,beli al mep posting waiting someone tell something good bc nobody doe getting sick suddenly middle day start cry know maybe yes deal fact always shit every time stop start cry thinking life getting afraid future ever loved friend call hang without everyone think shit thing like want write something nice please suddenly start cry
I hate myself,"How can I be so fucking stupid that I manage to fuck everything up?
I was dating a girl, and then we broke up because I’m such a problematic fuck that she just pretends I don’t even exist anymore, and me, a stupid cunt thinks that one day I’ll feel fine and loved again haha!
I really don’t wanna do anything anymore, my parents hate me, all my friends are running away from me and those who aren’t doing it are lovely and I really appreciate it... but I don’t wanna have to go to a place where everyone hates me and they don’t even bother telling that I’m going to be the next one to suicide in that fucking school...
I deserve it don’t I? I’m such a possessive narcissist cunt... maybe I should just accept that this thing isn’t for me... I should kill myself",FFELINTO,12,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdz6e8/i_hate_myself/,fucking stupid manage fuck everything wa dating girl broke problematic fuck pretend even exist anymore stupid cunt think one day feel fine loved haha really wanna anything anymore parent hate friend running away lovely really appreciate wanna go place everyone hate even bother telling going next one suicide fucking school deserve possessive narcissist cunt maybe accept thing kill,hate,ff el,761,13,ff el fucking stupid manage fuck everything wa dating girl broke problematic fuck pretend even exist anymore stupid cunt think one day feel fine loved haha really wanna anything anymore parent hate friend running away lovely really appreciate wanna go place everyone hate even bother telling going next one suicide fucking school deserve possessive narcissist cunt maybe accept thing kill hate
A mind of madness,"I can feel it taking my breath away, it's all coming back to fucking haunt me. I didn't see it coming, everything's in disarray, this was a sign for you to get your act together but instead you decided to park your ass like a stray.",DailyDoseDepression,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe81a2/a_mind_of_madness/,feel taking breath away coming back fucking haunt see coming everything disarray wa sign get act together instead decided park like stray,mind madness,daily dose depression,232,17,daily dose depression feel taking breath away coming back fucking haunt see coming everything disarray wa sign get act together instead decided park like stray mind madness
I kinda need advice?,"So these past few months my mental health has been getting worse and I don’t know if it’s because of these two friends I have, because I don’t want to put all the blame on them. So I met one of them at the beginning of the school year and the other one I’ve known for a while but we never really talked and they were really nice to me and we had lots of fun hanging out after school since we were on the same bus. But as time went on they kinda got mean? One of them would sometimes slap me or punch me in the stomach but when I would stand up for myself they would be like I’m over reacting or something. The other one just confuses me since one day she would be praising me saying “you’re so smart” “ how are you so good at everything” then the next day she’ll be like “ you’re so fucking dumb you’re and idiot” “aren’t you smart so like you’re supposed to know that” “don’t you even know fucking anything” just to make it clear I never really liked having those types of compliments since it made me uncomfortable since it’s like what if I all of a sudden don’t meet their expectations or something. I feel like my “problem” is just me overreacting but I’ve been trying to distance myself but on the bus while they’re next to me I can hear them talking shit about me. I keep to myself around them I don’t talk to them but they still talk to me asking why are you ignoring us. Again I’m probably just overreacting but I just need advice on what I should do since I’ve been getting more anxious and what they say about me gets to my head sometimes.  (Sorry I’m not really good on explaining things so if this get confusing sorry) :(",BL13497,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe80xm/i_kinda_need_advice/,past month mental health ha getting worse know two friend want put blame met one beginning school year one known never really talked really nice lot fun hanging school since bus time went kinda got mean one would sometimes slap punch stomach would stand would like reacting something one confuses since one day would praising saying smart good everything next day like fucking dumb idiot smart like supposed know even know fucking anything make clear never really liked type compliment since made uncomfortable since like sudden meet expectation something feel like problem overreacting trying distance bus next hear talking shit keep around talk still talk asking ignoring u probably overreacting need advice since getting anxious say get head sometimes sorry really good explaining thing get confusing sorry,kinda need advice,bl 13497,1633,20,bl 13497 past month mental health ha getting worse know two friend want put blame met one beginning school year one known never really talked really nice lot fun hanging school since bus time went kinda got mean one would sometimes slap punch stomach would stand would like reacting something one confuses since one day would praising saying smart good everything next day like fucking dumb idiot smart like supposed know even know fucking anything make clear never really liked type compliment since made uncomfortable since like sudden meet expectation something feel like problem overreacting trying distance bus next hear talking shit keep around talk still talk asking ignoring u probably overreacting need advice since getting anxious say get head sometimes sorry really good explaining thing get confusing sorry kinda need advice
I don’t have the energy to keep going anymore : (,"Honestly it’s just constant exhaustion and pain and stress, it’s too much for me to handle. I can’t handle this drag we call life, going to school every morning, going home and studying, dealing with my father, it’s all just too much. I can’t do it on my own but I can’t ask others to save me either, well there isn’t really one that exists sadly. I guess I’ll just be alone for some more years : (.",AnotherTrowaway12,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdu1ls/i_dont_have_the_energy_to_keep_going_anymore/,honestly constant exhaustion pain stress much handle handle drag call life going school every morning going home studying dealing father much ask others save either well really one exists sadly guess alone year,energy keep going anymore,another row away 12,399,49,another row away 12 honestly constant exhaustion pain stress much handle handle drag call life going school every morning going home studying dealing father much ask others save either well really one exists sadly guess alone year energy keep going anymore
how do u cope when you feel the depresh coming back??,"I feel the depression crawling back right how. I could feel my heart getting heavier by the day. I’m feelin stressed, tired, sick, and sleepy all at the same time. I’m having more bad days then good and it doesn’t feel fun to wake up. I’m not looking forward to the day like I did a while ago. Need ideas, inspiration, advice, anything to help me get out of this funk. 
Stopped seeing my therapist last month due to money/funding. I’ve been going on and off for 5 years, the past 2 years have been consecutive. Is it normal to feel like this after you stop therapy?",mac316656,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7z3b/how_do_u_cope_when_you_feel_the_depresh_coming/,feel depression crawling back right could feel heart getting heavier day feelin stressed tired sick sleepy time bad day good feel fun wake looking forward day like ago need idea inspiration advice anything help get funk stopped seeing therapist last month due money funding going 5 year past 2 year consecutive normal feel like stop therapy,u cope feel depresh coming back,mac 316656,565,53,mac 316656 feel depression crawling back right could feel heart getting heavier day feelin stressed tired sick sleepy time bad day good feel fun wake looking forward day like ago need idea inspiration advice anything help get funk stopped seeing therapist last month due money funding going 5 year past 2 year consecutive normal feel like stop therapy u cope feel depresh coming back
Why?,Why is it the only time i don’t feel depressed is when I’m drunk or high? I’m not trying to rely on these things but damn it’s really hard not to.,TheGrandMan10,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7x24/why/,time feel depressed drunk high trying rely thing damn really hard,,grand man 10,146,4,grand man 10 time feel depressed drunk high trying rely thing damn really hard 
I haven't had a best friend in years,"A few years ago I had a solid group of friends I would hang out with pretty much every weekend. I felt like we could tell each other anything, like out souls were connected. But little by little, they began to drift away. Their social media now filled with photos of people I didn't know with captions all about their 'bestie' or 'sister' or 'wifey'. That used to be me. I ask everyone to hang out, even try reconnecting with old friends, every time I either get ghosted or a simple 'omg I miss u too! I'm just so busy rn but we should totally hang!' with no follow up. I'm alone. Every weekend i sit at home with my cat and watch Netflix. I can feel the stress building up on my shoulders with no relief in sight. I just want to have that experience of being around someone who wants to be around me too. I would kill to have a friend again",jinxed_peach,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9cpf/i_havent_had_a_best_friend_in_years/,year ago solid group friend would hang pretty much every weekend felt like could tell anything like soul connected little little began drift away social medium filled photo people know caption bestie sister wifey used ask everyone hang even try reconnecting old friend every time either get ghosted simple omg miss u busy rn totally hang follow alone every weekend sit home cat watch netflix feel stress building shoulder relief sight want experience around someone want around would kill friend,best friend year,jinxed peach,841,36,jinxed peach year ago solid group friend would hang pretty much every weekend felt like could tell anything like soul connected little little began drift away social medium filled photo people know caption bestie sister wifey used ask everyone hang even try reconnecting old friend every time either get ghosted simple omg miss u busy rn totally hang follow alone every weekend sit home cat watch netflix feel stress building shoulder relief sight want experience around someone want around would kill friend best friend year
What depression feels like,"I can’t put it into words all the time but depression to me feels like I go through life with this tight tight pressure just squeezing on my heart all day long and I just have to ignore it and go throughout my day with nobody knowing what’s going on. But when I snap and I cry it’s because the pressure has just built up too much and I just can’t handle it anymore but I only snap in private because once you cry and once those emotions are out of your system and you have momentary relief you think, well that was silly and it’s not that deep I’m fine. And then this cycle of pressure builds up all over again and you just have to pretend like nothings wrong but you’re truly not ok. 
I can’t explain this to the people in my life cause I’ve always thought maybe I’m just making up my depression because I can go throughout my day. I’m not bed bound. But if I reflect on my life, I’ve always tried to cope in some way. I used to binge eat so much and I notice I have the urge to do it whenever I’m feeling especially down. Then it was movies & tv shows I would drown myself in for hours and hours. Then it was music to drown out my own thoughts. It was reading endlessly at some point but I’ve lost all interest in all of those things and I find being awake to be so draining so now all I do is go to my classes and go to sleep. I hate being awake. I hate feeling this pressure in my chest and it sucks because I was free from it for a few months and it’s back and you just try and tell yourself you’re just having a bad day but you know it’s some sort of relapse. It’s hard because I don’t want to take medication, I don’t know if that’s going to make things worse for me and I don’t want to be numb I just don’t want to feel pain. On top of that there’s so much fucking stigma. I can’t talk to my parents about it cause whenever I do they get angry I feel sad because I’m their eyes they’ve given me the perfect life despite all the abuse when I was a child. I can’t talk to my friends cause they’re all optimists with the “it gets better” attitude and it pisses me off cause all I want is to get held and just cry. I always feel like I’m being punished for something and I don’t know what cause I try so hard to be there for others. Whenever I can’t find love and I see ordinary people super happy in relationships I question what’s wrong with me (I’m not saying I’m super attractive but I have assets that would at least attract people). when I start questioning why I can’t find a good relationship or someone who likes me it loops back into my thought of well how do I expect that to happen if my own father walked out on me as a child. Everything just fucking sucks and I can’t even focus enough to do my uni and It.just.sucks.",chillinlookin,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3m4w/what_depression_feels_like/,put word time depression feel like go life tight tight pressure squeezing heart day long ignore go throughout day nobody knowing going snap cry pressure ha built much handle anymore snap private cry emotion system momentary relief think well wa silly deep fine cycle pressure build pretend like nothing wrong truly ok explain people life cause always thought maybe making depression go throughout day bed bound reflect life always tried cope way used binge eat much notice urge whenever feeling especially wa movie amp tv show would drown hour hour wa music drown thought wa reading endlessly point lost interest thing find awake draining go class go sleep hate awake hate feeling pressure chest suck wa free month back try tell bad day know sort relapse hard want take medication know going make thing worse want numb want feel pain top much fucking stigma talk parent cause whenever get angry feel sad eye given perfect life despite abuse wa child talk friend cause optimist get better attitude piss cause want get held cry always feel like punished something know cause try hard others whenever find love see ordinary people super happy relationship question wrong saying super attractive asset would least attract people start questioning find good relationship someone like loop back thought well expect happen father walked child everything fucking suck even focus enough uni suck,depression feel like,chill look,2739,26,chill look put word time depression feel like go life tight tight pressure squeezing heart day long ignore go throughout day nobody knowing going snap cry pressure ha built much handle anymore snap private cry emotion system momentary relief think well wa silly deep fine cycle pressure build pretend like nothing wrong truly ok explain people life cause always thought maybe making depression go throughout day bed bound reflect life always tried cope way used binge eat much notice urge whenever feeling especially wa movie amp tv show would drown hour hour wa music drown thought wa reading endlessly point lost interest thing find awake draining go class go sleep hate awake hate feeling pressure chest suck wa free month back try tell bad day know sort relapse hard want take medication know going make thing worse want numb want feel pain top much fucking stigma talk parent cause whenever get angry feel sad eye given perfect life despite abuse wa child talk friend cause optimist get better attitude piss cause want get held cry always feel like punished something know cause try hard others whenever find love see ordinary people super happy relationship question wrong saying super attractive asset would least attract people start questioning find good relationship someone like loop back thought well expect happen father walked child everything fucking suck even focus enough uni suck depression feel like
I’m probably going to die single and alone and i guess thats okay,"I’m just venting into the void because I feel bad for constantly annoying my friends but I has an epiphany 20 minutes ago that like...yeah I’m absolutely going to die single and unloved. I have friends and family but literally no one wants me romantically. All I attract are toxic folks that just suck the energy out of me. I just had to cut things off with this guy I was really into because I realized he just used me and didn’t care about me but now I’m like maybe I should just stick with him but at least I can pretend he cares about me. Or at least wants to fuck me. That’s probably the best I can get. 
I’m never going to have a healthy romantic relationship and I’m gonna learn to accept that but for tonight...I cry. 
I’m just too ugly. Not interesting enough. Not funny enough. Not thin enough. My ass isn’t fat enough. Waist aint small enough. Not smart enough. 

But hey in a few years I’ll have a kid on my own and I’ll pour all the love I never had into the lil human so they don’t end up like me. Broken and unlovable. 


I’m spiraling.",howlsmovingdork,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9bqm/im_probably_going_to_die_single_and_alone_and_i/,venting void feel bad constantly annoying friend ha epiphany 20 minute ago like yeah absolutely going die single unloved friend family literally one want romantically attract toxic folk suck energy cut thing guy wa really realized used care like maybe stick least pretend care least want fuck probably best get never going healthy romantic relationship gonna learn accept tonight cry ugly interesting enough funny enough thin enough fat enough waist aint small enough smart enough hey year kid pour love never lil human end like broken unlovable spiraling,probably going die single alone guess thats okay,howl moving dork,1051,65,howl moving dork venting void feel bad constantly annoying friend ha epiphany 20 minute ago like yeah absolutely going die single unloved friend family literally one want romantically attract toxic folk suck energy cut thing guy wa really realized used care like maybe stick least pretend care least want fuck probably best get never going healthy romantic relationship gonna learn accept tonight cry ugly interesting enough funny enough thin enough fat enough waist aint small enough smart enough hey year kid pour love never lil human end like broken unlovable spiraling probably going die single alone guess thats okay
Tossed aside.,"You guys ever been tossed aside like last month’s trash? Not a great feeling, especially when you already feel fucking worthless. My particular instance of this is made even worse by the fact that this situation arose from a douchebag throwing tons of money at the target of my affection. 

I don’t know where the money comes from, but it’s in large enough quantities that I have a suspicion the douchebag in question has some rich parents and hasn’t earned any of this affluence himself. It’s a real piss-off. 

I suppose what I should take away from this situation is that the girl in question is a money-grubbing whore. When I did have some disposable cash she was really sweet and affectionate. Not anymore since this fuckface entered the scenario. I’m really fucking fed up with this. 

I guess I need to just move on and write this girl off as what she’s presented herself to be now, an entitled, money-obsessed bitch. 

Any insight would be helpful.",HugeJuggsLover,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7u1q/tossed_aside/,guy ever tossed aside like last month trash great feeling especially already feel fucking worthless particular instance made even worse fact situation arose douchebag throwing ton money target affection know money come large enough quantity suspicion douchebag question ha rich parent earned affluence real piss suppose take away situation girl question money grubbing whore disposable cash wa really sweet affectionate anymore since fuckface entered scenario really fucking fed guess need move write girl presented entitled money obsessed bitch insight would helpful,tossed aside,huge jug g lover,956,13,huge jug g lover guy ever tossed aside like last month trash great feeling especially already feel fucking worthless particular instance made even worse fact situation arose douchebag throwing ton money target affection know money come large enough quantity suspicion douchebag question ha rich parent earned affluence real piss suppose take away situation girl question money grubbing whore disposable cash wa really sweet affectionate anymore since fuckface entered scenario really fucking fed guess need move write girl presented entitled money obsessed bitch insight would helpful tossed aside
I'm getting so fat. I feel like my brain is programmed to self destruct.,"Fuck you brain fuck you. 

I've tried my whole life to be healthy. I succeeded for a little while. I was a healthsy weight and ate healthy (didn't really exercise) for about 3 years. Then I went crashing back down to how I used to be. I'm currently almost 220 pounds at 5 foot 10. Chronic heavy drinker,  binge eater, lack of exercise. I'm so depressed I usually can't get out of bed. I don't want to go ANYWHERE unless I've had a few drinks because then I become a little more bubbly... sigh",SpookDaddy-,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7rw8/im_getting_so_fat_i_feel_like_my_brain_is/,fuck brain fuck tried whole life healthy succeeded little wa healthsy weight ate healthy really exercise 3 year went crashing back used currently almost 220 pound 5 foot 10 chronic heavy drinker binge eater lack exercise depressed usually get bed want go anywhere unless drink become little bubbly sigh,getting fat feel like brain programmed self destruct,spook daddy,492,72,spook daddy fuck brain fuck tried whole life healthy succeeded little wa healthsy weight ate healthy really exercise 3 year went crashing back used currently almost 220 pound 5 foot 10 chronic heavy drinker binge eater lack exercise depressed usually get bed want go anywhere unless drink become little bubbly sigh getting fat feel like brain programmed self destruct
"Wow, this is my life",I get some traction every so little to give me a false sense of hope and it comes crashing down. I feel like a pussy for not just ending it right now. Fuck this negative shit. I just want to have a life of fucking happiness but NO! I get to have depression for six years and hope to some god it gets better.,Epsilon-J,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6jic/wow_this_is_my_life/,get traction every little give false sense hope come crashing feel like pussy ending right fuck negative shit want life fucking happiness get depression six year hope god get better,wow life,epsilon j,307,20,epsilon j get traction every little give false sense hope come crashing feel like pussy ending right fuck negative shit want life fucking happiness get depression six year hope god get better wow life
I want to hurt myself,"Actually I don't: it's my mind telling me to do it. It's like a command, an order and I HAVE to do it, if I don't hurt myself I feel so  defeated and the worst worm no earth. I write here as a way of venting, focusing in writing to shut up my mind, maybe trying to get some sense in why I do it, because I don't understand. The commands and the images of me hurting myself are so very strong. I try to jump rope, count to one hundred (as my therapist told me to do), but the order and the images don't go away...",chipandele,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3zza/i_want_to_hurt_myself/,actually mind telling like command order hurt feel defeated worst worm earth write way venting focusing writing shut mind maybe trying get sense understand command image hurting strong try jump rope count one hundred therapist told order image go away,want hurt,chip ele,512,21,chip ele actually mind telling like command order hurt feel defeated worst worm earth write way venting focusing writing shut mind maybe trying get sense understand command image hurting strong try jump rope count one hundred therapist told order image go away want hurt
I'm tired of the pain.,"I just can not keep doing this anymore. I keep reaching out for help, doctors push pills on me (I'm on five now) and therapists just try to push me into blaming my dead father. 

I can't afford my home. I can't afford my bills. I can't afford food and even the subreddits that claim to offer help just delete my posts because I lurk and my account doesn't have hundreds of karma.

I do not know what to do. I cry constantly. I hate my life and myself. I can't sleep I can't eat. 

I try to open up to people and they look at me like a monster.

I am a monster.

I'm about to lose my home and I have nothing left to sell to try to hang on to it. I sold all my dads belongings to make ends meet, he left those to me so I could have a good fun life and here I am a piece of garbage who can't even work a part time job to buy groceries. 

The state turns me away because I have income ($944/mo in disability).

I'm done. I can't do this. Why am I fighting? For who? I'm alone. My chest hurts, my eyes hurts. My head spins and I do not even know if any of this makes sense. I just can't keep this up. I have been fighting since I was a child, I'm a 38 year old man (ha) now. What do I have to offer to this world? All I am is a leech. I have no skills. I was never good in school because of my mental illness and no one would diagnose it.

I hate myself and so does the world. I'll never be more than this.",[deleted],0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7njn/im_tired_of_the_pain/,keep anymore keep reaching help doctor push pill five therapist try push blaming dead father afford home afford bill afford food even subreddits claim offer help delete post lurk account hundred karma know cry constantly hate life sleep eat try open people look like monster monster lose home nothing left sell try hang sold dad belonging make end meet left could good fun life piece garbage even work part time job buy grocery state turn away income 944 mo disability done fighting alone chest hurt eye hurt head spin even know make sense keep fighting since wa child 38 year old man ha offer world leech skill wa never good school mental illness one would diagnose hate doe world never,tired pain,deleted,1401,22,deleted keep anymore keep reaching help doctor push pill five therapist try push blaming dead father afford home afford bill afford food even subreddits claim offer help delete post lurk account hundred karma know cry constantly hate life sleep eat try open people look like monster monster lose home nothing left sell try hang sold dad belonging make end meet left could good fun life piece garbage even work part time job buy grocery state turn away income 944 mo disability done fighting alone chest hurt eye hurt head spin even know make sense keep fighting since wa child 38 year old man ha offer world leech skill wa never good school mental illness one would diagnose hate doe world never tired pain
Bipolarity is a curse,"I might become homeless. Just had an episode and spent my savings, can't bring myself to work more than
15 hours a week.
I binged on xanies and fucked a stranger the other night, I've been hanging out with a married man. The man I really love can't handle me but won't let me go for some fucking reason. I have no support system, everyone's only halfway there for me because I'm just too unpredictable and sick for anyone to consistently keep up with my needs.

I just turned 26, I wanted to do something with my life by now, I can't even handle a ft job and my adulthood has been a clusterfuck of mental illness and grief. I need to be on drugs but I'm terrified of them bc I'm so low functioning that my life will be ruined if they make me any worse. It's been like this for years. Years!!!!!! I don't know how to get better, I see my other mentally ill friends not getting better, and the older I get the more worried I am that I'll have no choice but to concede to the reality of a lifelong struggle w/o much hope for anything even remotely resembling security/ property/ prosperity/ FAMILY

I'm jealous of high functioning people.
I just want to be that someday.
I'm so tired.
Thanks for reading",Eudaimonia____,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7mce/bipolarity_is_a_curse/,might become homeless episode spent saving bring work 15 hour week binged xanies fucked stranger night hanging married man man really love handle let go fucking reason support system everyone halfway unpredictable sick anyone consistently keep need turned 26 wanted something life even handle ft job adulthood ha clusterfuck mental illness grief need drug terrified bc low functioning life ruined make worse like year year know get better see mentally ill friend getting better older get worried choice concede reality lifelong struggle w much hope anything even remotely resembling security property prosperity family jealous high functioning people want someday tired thanks reading,bipolarity curse,eu dai moni,1200,21,eu dai moni might become homeless episode spent saving bring work 15 hour week binged xanies fucked stranger night hanging married man man really love handle let go fucking reason support system everyone halfway unpredictable sick anyone consistently keep need turned 26 wanted something life even handle ft job adulthood ha clusterfuck mental illness grief need drug terrified bc low functioning life ruined make worse like year year know get better see mentally ill friend getting better older get worried choice concede reality lifelong struggle w much hope anything even remotely resembling security property prosperity family jealous high functioning people want someday tired thanks reading bipolarity curse
Can this feeling please go away,Please ffs please i need some kind of drug to fix this shit,hanzo0it,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5fyb/can_this_feeling_please_go_away/,please ffs please need kind drug fix shit,feeling please go away,han zo 0,59,31,han zo 0 please ffs please need kind drug fix shit feeling please go away
why am i the only one that cant be loved?,"everyone has someone...and im just here, alone

what's wrong with me? i try my best

i just dont want to be alone anymore...

living like this, is not really worth it...",vent1667,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxpka/why_am_i_the_only_one_that_cant_be_loved/,everyone ha someone im alone wrong try best dont want alone anymore living like really worth,one cant loved,vent 1667,169,41,vent 1667 everyone ha someone im alone wrong try best dont want alone anymore living like really worth one cant loved
Does this sound like depression? Maybe delusional?,"Hello everyone, just to preface my doctor has diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, and ocd.  Recently I have been filled with self hatred. I am 5’7” and weigh 140 pounds. I am convinced I am fat even though this is a very average body weight. When I look in the mirror I think how ugly I am. People tell me I am attractive but I do not believe them. I feel like my life is a failure. I graduate college with a degree in fine arts and history with honors...this is not good enough. I feel as if I am very ignorant and perceived as such. I’m have traveled abroad three different times...yet when others tell me about their travels I feel inadequate. When ever I go out into public I think everyone hates me and is talking about me. I also constantly google mental illness and symptoms because I am convinced something is majorly wrong with me...even though three doctors have told me I am “normal”. I take multiple mental health quizzes everyday to see if I have lost my mind. I am constantly asking my coworkers at work what they think about me. I am an artist and believe every work I produce is garbage. Even with people validating me I usually don’t believe them. Any advice?",roadtonowhere5,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6elg/does_this_sound_like_depression_maybe_delusional/,hello everyone preface doctor ha diagnosed depression anxiety ocd recently filled self hatred 5 7 weigh 140 pound convinced fat even though average body weight look mirror think ugly people tell attractive believe feel like life failure graduate college degree fine art history honor good enough feel ignorant perceived traveled abroad three different time yet others tell travel feel inadequate ever go public think everyone hate talking also constantly google mental illness symptom convinced something majorly wrong even though three doctor told normal take multiple mental health quiz everyday see lost mind constantly asking coworkers work think artist believe every work produce garbage even people validating usually believe advice,doe sound like depression maybe delusional,road nowhere 5,1179,50,road nowhere 5 hello everyone preface doctor ha diagnosed depression anxiety ocd recently filled self hatred 5 7 weigh 140 pound convinced fat even though average body weight look mirror think ugly people tell attractive believe feel like life failure graduate college degree fine art history honor good enough feel ignorant perceived traveled abroad three different time yet others tell travel feel inadequate ever go public think everyone hate talking also constantly google mental illness symptom convinced something majorly wrong even though three doctor told normal take multiple mental health quiz everyday see lost mind constantly asking coworkers work think artist believe every work produce garbage even people validating usually believe advice doe sound like depression maybe delusional
the first step.,"I've felt this way for a very long time. The feeling of inadequacy, the contempt of others, the anger, and the overwhelming loneliness. For such a long time, I've kept it bottled up, but now its beginning to boil over and I don't know how to handle it. This is my first time admitting to this and I think its easier to admit in anonymity than to my family. They wouldn't understand these feelings and I inevitably chase all of my friends away.  I have no hobbies or anything that I am good at so I just wallow in my sadness.  I dont want to be so absorbed in my own issues but its hard to overlook when it begins to bleed over into the things I used to care about like school. Being alive has never been a feeling that I can remember feeling happy about.I've come to live with pain and failure but I would just like the feeling to stop and feel even a modicum of  ""okay-ness."" Despite everything, I cant say I'm better off and I simply do not want to deal with any of it anymore to be honest.  I really want to get better and i hope that this is the first step to that for fear of the alternative.",Box_Populi,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7lio/the_first_step/,felt way long time feeling inadequacy contempt others anger overwhelming loneliness long time kept bottled beginning boil know handle first time admitting think easier admit anonymity family understand feeling inevitably chase friend away hobby anything good wallow sadness dont want absorbed issue hard overlook begin bleed thing used care like school alive ha never feeling remember feeling happy come live pain failure would like feeling stop feel even modicum okay ness despite everything cant say better simply want deal anymore honest really want get better hope first step fear alternative,first step,box pop uli,1097,15,box pop uli felt way long time feeling inadequacy contempt others anger overwhelming loneliness long time kept bottled beginning boil know handle first time admitting think easier admit anonymity family understand feeling inevitably chase friend away hobby anything good wallow sadness dont want absorbed issue hard overlook begin bleed thing used care like school alive ha never feeling remember feeling happy come live pain failure would like feeling stop feel even modicum okay ness despite everything cant say better simply want deal anymore honest really want get better hope first step fear alternative first step
"I'm at the end of my rope, and dont see how this could get better.","I'm a 26 year old male. I'm always, ALWAYS worried about something. It could be big, or it could be small, but no matter what im always worried. When I say worried, I'm not talking about your everyday anxiety. I'm talking about constant panic attacks. Im 26, and I've had people guess I'm 40. The only time I have relief is in my sleep. Everytime things seem to be looking up, something always manages to go wrong. My anxiety has turned into rage over the years, and I'm getting closer, and closer to snapping everyday. I clean brathrooms for a living, and someone could so much as ask me if they could use the bathroom as I'm trying to clean it, and I want to rip their heads off there fucking shoulders. I'm almost afraid I might hurt someone soon, as I feel I have nothing to live for anymore. I've felt how I do for the past 10 years, and it's not getting any better. I'm a vile person. I've been told by countless people, that I'm a vile person. If you knew what I've done, youd think I was a vile person. Theres no turning back from the things I've done, that's why i have nothing to lose, and i feel it's time to inflict my pain upon others. The thought of disappointing my parents, and them seeing me for the monster I am comforts me. I really dont see me living this life much longer.",SwimmingMeat,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe939p/im_at_the_end_of_my_rope_and_dont_see_how_this/,26 year old male always always worried something could big could small matter im always worried say worried talking everyday anxiety talking constant panic attack im 26 people guess 40 time relief sleep everytime thing seem looking something always manages go wrong anxiety ha turned rage year getting closer closer snapping everyday clean brathrooms living someone could much ask could use bathroom trying clean want rip head fucking shoulder almost afraid might hurt someone soon feel nothing live anymore felt past 10 year getting better vile person told countless people vile person knew done youd think wa vile person turning back thing done nothing lose feel time inflict pain upon others thought disappointing parent seeing monster comfort really dont see living life much longer,end rope dont see could get better,swimming meat,1293,66,swimming meat 26 year old male always always worried something could big could small matter im always worried say worried talking everyday anxiety talking constant panic attack im 26 people guess 40 time relief sleep everytime thing seem looking something always manages go wrong anxiety ha turned rage year getting closer closer snapping everyday clean brathrooms living someone could much ask could use bathroom trying clean want rip head fucking shoulder almost afraid might hurt someone soon feel nothing live anymore felt past 10 year getting better vile person told countless people vile person knew done youd think wa vile person turning back thing done nothing lose feel time inflict pain upon others thought disappointing parent seeing monster comfort really dont see living life much longer end rope dont see could get better
Drinking,"Don’t usually drink, but do you ever feel so useless and depressed you just want to drink yourself into oblivion?",chrisoftheages,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe92j4/drinking/,usually drink ever feel useless depressed want drink oblivion,drinking,chris age,113,8,chris age usually drink ever feel useless depressed want drink oblivion drinking
I hate me because of you,"Where did I fuck up? 
What did I do wrong?
Did I not give you enough sex? 
Did I give you too much attention? 
Was I not enough of a challenge? 
Is our relationship real? 
Is it real now? 
Do you love me yet?

Or am I always going to feel like I’m standing on a diving board in the middle of the desert? 
I wish you could love me too. 
I just want to be enough.",amaca828,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe926v/i_hate_me_because_of_you/,fuck wrong give enough sex give much attention wa enough challenge relationship real real love yet always going feel like standing diving board middle desert wish could love want enough,hate,maca 828,361,24,maca 828 fuck wrong give enough sex give much attention wa enough challenge relationship real real love yet always going feel like standing diving board middle desert wish could love want enough hate
Struggling,"A few years ago I was depressed and suicidal for several different reasons. I thought I worked through it. I thought I was better. But I’m 22 now and for about the last year, things have been gradually getting worse. I’m at the point now where I guess I’m probably passively suicidal? I have suicidal thoughts but I have no intention on acting on it. The urges to self harm have also occasionally come back, but I haven’t done anything.

I’m frustrated because nothing specifically happened to bring me back here. It just happened. I’m really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like I put all that work in for nothing, I’m almost right back where I was and why keep putting so much effort into something that’s futile and I’m always just gunna end up here again.

I’m not quite at my lowest low, but I’m afraid if something doesn’t change I’ll get there. I guess for as long as I’m scared of being suicidal that’s hope.

Idk, I feel lonely and the few people close to me wouldn’t understand. I know that sounds cliche but truly none of them have had depression, and when I’ve tried approaching it they say something cliche and unhelpful like “things will get better I promise.” Or “try taking a walk, the sun and movement always helps me” Like yeah wow thanks I never thought to do that before lol. Granted maybe it’s partly my fault bc I haven’t really said the full extent of it so they don’t know how bad it is. But I still just don’t think I’d get anything helpful from them.

And idk if I’m gunna get anything helpful from here either and I’m not even really sure what my point is with this post, I’m just venting. But I just felt like talking to people who’ve been through it would be my best shot",Jellybean926,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7jpe/struggling/,year ago wa depressed suicidal several different reason thought worked thought wa better 22 last year thing gradually getting worse point guess probably passively suicidal suicidal thought intention acting urge self harm also occasionally come back done anything frustrated nothing specifically happened bring back happened really struggling see light end tunnel feel like put work nothing almost right back wa keep putting much effort something futile always gunna end quite lowest low afraid something change get guess long scared suicidal hope idk feel lonely people close understand know sound cliche truly none depression tried approaching say something cliche unhelpful like thing get better promise try taking walk sun movement always help like yeah wow thanks never thought lol granted maybe partly fault bc really said full extent know bad still think get anything helpful idk gunna get anything helpful either even really sure point post venting felt like talking people would best shot,struggling,jellybean 926,1731,10,jellybean 926 year ago wa depressed suicidal several different reason thought worked thought wa better 22 last year thing gradually getting worse point guess probably passively suicidal suicidal thought intention acting urge self harm also occasionally come back done anything frustrated nothing specifically happened bring back happened really struggling see light end tunnel feel like put work nothing almost right back wa keep putting much effort something futile always gunna end quite lowest low afraid something change get guess long scared suicidal hope idk feel lonely people close understand know sound cliche truly none depression tried approaching say something cliche unhelpful like thing get better promise try taking walk sun movement always help like yeah wow thanks never thought lol granted maybe partly fault bc really said full extent know bad still think get anything helpful idk gunna get anything helpful either even really sure point post venting felt like talking people would best shot struggling
My Friends,"So me and my friends are all very, ‘depressed’. We all wanna change but none of them are willing to. I’m trying to change my attitude about life. About everything but my friends are still stuck in there negative mindset and never wanna handout and maybe change our lives. I need help. I don’t wanna lose them as friends but I need to get my life going. What do I do?",TheHaptic,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7hwg/my_friends/,friend depressed wanna change none willing trying change attitude life everything friend still stuck negative mindset never wanna handout maybe change life need help wanna lose friend need get life going,friend,haptic,366,10,haptic friend depressed wanna change none willing trying change attitude life everything friend still stuck negative mindset never wanna handout maybe change life need help wanna lose friend need get life going friend
I feel like I'm doomed to just have bad luck,"I'm not a believer of anything spiritual or supernatural, but it truly does feel like I was cursed with bad luck or some shit.

A lot of it is just small things. Constantly getting the worst loot in video games, missing the public bus by like 30 seconds, etc. I always make small personal bets with myself like if I get a notification on Instagram I'll just be like ""I bet this specific person didn't like this post"" and I look at the notification and it's exactly that. This kind of shit is constantly happening everyday. By themselves it's not bad at all, but it really builds up and starts eating away at you.

And then there's bigger things. Like being 5'2 as a male is pretty bad. I have mental illnesses and some of it I can't even relate with other mentally ill people. I get bronchitis like every fucking year. And then tonight, I just got news that a field trip to Hawaii that I've been looking forward to for FOUR FUCKING YEARS has been cancelled because of the coronavirus bullshit. Of course it had to be the ONE FUCKING YEAR IM A SENIOR AND ABLE TO GO.

It just all piles up so fucking much. I feel like I'll just constantly have bad luck in life. It makes me lose excitement in things I'm actually excited for because I'm just in that mindset that it'll go wrong because of my bad luck. Makes me wonder if it's even worth living if I'm just stuck with this shit. Again, I don't believe in karma or the supernatural or anything, but this shit really makes me question it.",takedownhisshield,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7hjl/i_feel_like_im_doomed_to_just_have_bad_luck/,believer anything spiritual supernatural truly doe feel like wa cursed bad luck shit lot small thing constantly getting worst loot video game missing public bus like 30 second etc always make small personal bet like get notification instagram like bet specific person like post look notification exactly kind shit constantly happening everyday bad really build start eating away bigger thing like 5 2 male pretty bad mental illness even relate mentally ill people get bronchitis like every fucking year tonight got news field trip hawaii looking forward four fucking year ha cancelled coronavirus bullshit course one fucking year im senior able go pile fucking much feel like constantly bad luck life make lose excitement thing actually excited mindset go wrong bad luck make wonder even worth living stuck shit believe karma supernatural anything shit really make question,feel like doomed bad luck,takedown shield,1484,44,takedown shield believer anything spiritual supernatural truly doe feel like wa cursed bad luck shit lot small thing constantly getting worst loot video game missing public bus like 30 second etc always make small personal bet like get notification instagram like bet specific person like post look notification exactly kind shit constantly happening everyday bad really build start eating away bigger thing like 5 2 male pretty bad mental illness even relate mentally ill people get bronchitis like every fucking year tonight got news field trip hawaii looking forward four fucking year ha cancelled coronavirus bullshit course one fucking year im senior able go pile fucking much feel like constantly bad luck life make lose excitement thing actually excited mindset go wrong bad luck make wonder even worth living stuck shit believe karma supernatural anything shit really make question feel like doomed bad luck
I just...don't feel right,"Today I came home and was excited to play a video game. But it just...didn't feel right. I felt like I hadn't played it in a long time even though I played yesterday. I felt like I did when I was a kid and really sad over the summer doing nothing all day. I felt really weird.

Anyone else experience this?",anxietyqueen101,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8zto/i_justdont_feel_right/,today came home wa excited play video game feel right felt like played long time even though played yesterday felt like wa kid really sad summer nothing day felt really weird anyone else experience,feel right,anxiety queen 101,306,25,anxiety queen 101 today came home wa excited play video game feel right felt like played long time even though played yesterday felt like wa kid really sad summer nothing day felt really weird anyone else experience feel right
The worst part of depression is the feeling of been stuck,"I hate seeing people around me moving on with their lives while I'm stuck in the same place for ages. I  feel happy for them and I mean it, but at the same time I end up hating myself even more for their success. I wish there was way out of this endless loop",StormFather_,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzvmu/the_worst_part_of_depression_is_the_feeling_of/,hate seeing people around moving life stuck place age feel happy mean time end hating even success wish wa way endless loop,worst part depression feeling stuck,storm father,258,57,storm father hate seeing people around moving life stuck place age feel happy mean time end hating even success wish wa way endless loop worst part depression feeling stuck
Worse,Am I wasting my life? Everyday is the same. I only leave my house for work and sometime food. I get older and everything is the same. I’m 26 now but I feel more depressed than I did when I was 18. Will I ever get better? Does it stop or do I just waste away?,ableezzyy,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1qqo/worse/,wasting life everyday leave house work sometime food get older everything 26 feel depressed wa 18 ever get better doe stop waste away,worse,able e zz yy,258,5,able e zz yy wasting life everyday leave house work sometime food get older everything 26 feel depressed wa 18 ever get better doe stop waste away worse
No one gives a shit about how i feel.,"My mom relies on marijuana and other pain relieving drugs to get through her day. She takes her frustrations out on me. Calls me lazy and other names daily. I fucking try my best, and its hard. Why does no-one understand!. She's gonna be so fucking upset when i kill myself, or will she? Life would be so much better for her. I wanna give up. Im exhausted.",WhiteBoy0703,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe60qy/no_one_gives_a_shit_about_how_i_feel/,mom relies marijuana pain relieving drug get day take frustration call lazy name daily fucking try best hard doe one understand gonna fucking upset kill life would much better wanna give im exhausted,one give shit feel,white boy 0703,356,37,white boy 0703 mom relies marijuana pain relieving drug get day take frustration call lazy name daily fucking try best hard doe one understand gonna fucking upset kill life would much better wanna give im exhausted one give shit feel
An interesting title,"I'm back here. Yay, getting ready to rant out my god awful useless problems instead of revise for my mocks; which 2 of my A-Levels I'm going to fail. I don't want to do extra years in college, it's fucking horrible. I'm again crying out for help despite me not accepting it, or no one even giving me help; instead I'm getting help from the internet ""Oh wow how original, last time you did that you fell into a greater depression.""
 I hate my life, my family is horrible and struggling too. The world is fucked, people are disgusting; everyday I wish for a quick fucking death. I'm failing in school, I have no passion in what I do anymore and even better I don't know what I wanna be in the future.
God I don't know what to do with my life, I just wanna move out of England, go live a quiet life in Canada, somewhere where's there's no people, no problems and where I can die in peace. I don't know why I'm writing this. Again. For my own good I guess. I wish I could cry again, have a friend to talk to and feel open with. I miss my ex. Who was a fucking internet relationship that I fell deeply in love with. ""The retard has fallen in love with the E-boy"" how devilishly gay of me. I hate my life so much, god the thought of shoving a shotgun barrel into my mouth makes me so happy.
Please don't tell me ""it'll get better"" it won't. Life won't get better it will get worse. It has been. I don't really know why I said that because no one frankly cares about these posts, yeah you'll comment on one but after you don't know what will happen to them. It's funny, I went to one of those subreddits to make a friend in, and they fucking downvoted me. What a way to boost my confidence Internet. And make a friend. Fuck I hate myself.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I want to sleep forever, I don't want to wake up tommorow to do my mock. I know I'll fail it. I'm a fucking failure.
Ask for help? I'm too worthless to ask, I won't accept it, I have too high standards or whatever. Idk. I've become the very thing I've sworn to destroy and that's a depressed sad fucking failure. I don't know what to do.
I'm just another one of the millions asking for help only to not take it. I'm unmotivated to do anything. God I want to cry so much.
I should stop, go look at some stupid pointless memes, suffer and regret my decisions and go look at my ex's profile for the 10th time this week. I hate myself and my life.
Yeah thanks for reading this if you did.
But to be frankly honest why would you waste the time. How would you even fucking reply to this.",xzxfrostfirexzx,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2ssw/an_interesting_title/,back yay getting ready rant god awful useless problem instead revise mock 2 level going fail want extra year college fucking horrible cry help despite accepting one even giving help instead getting help internet oh wow original last time fell greater depression hate life family horrible struggling world fucked people disgusting everyday wish quick fucking death failing school passion anymore even better know wanna future god know life wanna move england go live quiet life canada somewhere people problem die peace know writing good guess wish could cry friend talk feel open miss ex wa fucking internet relationship fell deeply love retard ha fallen love e boy devilishly gay hate life much god thought shoving shotgun barrel mouth make happy please tell get better life get better get worse ha really know said one frankly care post yeah comment one know happen funny went one subreddits make friend fucking downvoted way boost confidence internet make friend fuck hate even know saying anymore want sleep forever want wake tommorow mock know fail fucking failure ask help worthless ask accept high standard whatever idk become thing sworn destroy depressed sad fucking failure know another one million asking help take unmotivated anything god want cry much stop go look stupid pointless meme suffer regret decision go look ex profile 10th time week hate life yeah thanks reading frankly honest would waste time would even fucking reply,interesting title,x zx frost fire x zx,2556,20,x zx frost fire x zx back yay getting ready rant god awful useless problem instead revise mock 2 level going fail want extra year college fucking horrible cry help despite accepting one even giving help instead getting help internet oh wow original last time fell greater depression hate life family horrible struggling world fucked people disgusting everyday wish quick fucking death failing school passion anymore even better know wanna future god know life wanna move england go live quiet life canada somewhere people problem die peace know writing good guess wish could cry friend talk feel open miss ex wa fucking internet relationship fell deeply love retard ha fallen love e boy devilishly gay hate life much god thought shoving shotgun barrel mouth make happy please tell get better life get better get worse ha really know said one frankly care post yeah comment one know happen funny went one subreddits make friend fucking downvoted way boost confidence internet make friend fuck hate even know saying anymore want sleep forever want wake tommorow mock know fail fucking failure ask help worthless ask accept high standard whatever idk become thing sworn destroy depressed sad fucking failure know another one million asking help take unmotivated anything god want cry much stop go look stupid pointless meme suffer regret decision go look ex profile 10th time week hate life yeah thanks reading frankly honest would waste time would even fucking reply interesting title
wouldn’t really call it progress but..,"i cleaned my depression cave today. my room was disgusting. i started early morning yesterday, worked all day, and most of the day today, and i still won’t be finished till tomorrow. didn’t take pictures because shame, but [this](https://imgur.com/a/J34jy2d) is how bad it was. all these bags are full of trash, just from my room. gotta love the bad weeks 🙄 (more like months tho)",Savv1998,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5xlf/wouldnt_really_call_it_progress_but/,cleaned depression cave today room wa disgusting started early morning yesterday worked day day today still finished till tomorrow take picture shame http imgur com j34jy2d bad wa bag full trash room gotta love bad week like month tho,really call progress,sav v 1998,380,38,sav v 1998 cleaned depression cave today room wa disgusting started early morning yesterday worked day day today still finished till tomorrow take picture shame http imgur com j34jy2d bad wa bag full trash room gotta love bad week like month tho really call progress
"I'm spiraling, and people at work are noticing.","I started my current job almost a year ago when I was in a really good place mentally. I've been really depressed before, and so I recognize the signs for me: first, anxiety and weightloss; then irritability, short-temperedness, and lots of suicidal thoughts. I know ""it gets better"", and I will get through this. However, the last time I was going through this I was still in college, but now I spend 8 hours a day for five days a week with the same people. I don't know how to keep this from affecting my work or my friendships/relationships with my coworkers and even my boss. Help!",sunbunny13,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8m0l/im_spiraling_and_people_at_work_are_noticing/,started current job almost year ago wa really good place mentally really depressed recognize sign first anxiety weightloss irritability short temperedness lot suicidal thought know get better get however last time wa going wa still college spend 8 hour day five day week people know keep affecting work friendship relationship coworkers even bos help,spiraling people work noticing,sun bunny 13,585,47,sun bunny 13 started current job almost year ago wa really good place mentally really depressed recognize sign first anxiety weightloss irritability short temperedness lot suicidal thought know get better get however last time wa going wa still college spend 8 hour day five day week people know keep affecting work friendship relationship coworkers even bos help spiraling people work noticing
I’m fucking tired of being bullied over my disability,"So I’ve been dealing with this since the day I started medical school which was about 5 months ago . I’ve done my best to handle it all by myself but I’m fucking done . There’s no one around to talk to about it . I was diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy in 2015 , it recovered to some extent but didn’t go away . For the past 5 years every stranger I’ve met has in one way or another made fun of me , it was bad but in University it’s beyond fucked up . I haven’t had a single day when nobody laughed at me because of how FUCKED UP MY FACE IS . 
I used to be a pretty attractive person , I can’t hold my tears while writing all this . I still remember the time when I used to be pretty confident because of the way I looked . Now it’s just a dream . Every stranger I’ve met has in one way or another made fun of me . I am forced to stay alone everyday in school , my anxiety won’t let me move a muscle . Whenever or if ever  a stranger approach me with a smile , the moment I do the same they get confused and literally the first thing I’m asked is “what the fuck is wrong with your face?”
No body wants to be friends with me because they think I’m just a fucking retard who somehow made it into med school . 
Dating is just a whole another set of nightmares . I get rejected hardcore because of my face which completely disturbs my mental health . 
I feel helpless right now . Sometimes I get bullied to a point where Its feel like the only way to avoid all this is if either I commit suicide or the person trying to bully is gonna have to pay with their life . I have no fcking idea what to do about it . Someone Please help me out for fuck sake.",throwaway786786280,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1e4y/im_fucking_tired_of_being_bullied_over_my/,dealing since day started medical school wa 5 month ago done best handle fucking done one around talk wa diagnosed bell palsy 2015 recovered extent go away past 5 year every stranger met ha one way another made fun wa bad university beyond fucked single day nobody laughed fucked face used pretty attractive person hold tear writing still remember time used pretty confident way looked dream every stranger met ha one way another made fun forced stay alone everyday school anxiety let move muscle whenever ever stranger approach smile moment get confused literally first thing asked fuck wrong face body want friend think fucking retard somehow made med school dating whole another set nightmare get rejected hardcore face completely disturbs mental health feel helpless right sometimes get bullied point feel like way avoid either commit suicide person trying bully gonna pay life fcking idea someone please help fuck sake,fucking tired bullied disability,throwaway 786786280,1641,53,throwaway 786786280 dealing since day started medical school wa 5 month ago done best handle fucking done one around talk wa diagnosed bell palsy 2015 recovered extent go away past 5 year every stranger met ha one way another made fun wa bad university beyond fucked single day nobody laughed fucked face used pretty attractive person hold tear writing still remember time used pretty confident way looked dream every stranger met ha one way another made fun forced stay alone everyday school anxiety let move muscle whenever ever stranger approach smile moment get confused literally first thing asked fuck wrong face body want friend think fucking retard somehow made med school dating whole another set nightmare get rejected hardcore face completely disturbs mental health feel helpless right sometimes get bullied point feel like way avoid either commit suicide person trying bully gonna pay life fcking idea someone please help fuck sake fucking tired bullied disability
Does it make sense to have a pet dog if you are experiencing depression?,"I ADORE dogs. I love them more than humans, but I'm not the type of person who goes crazy whenever they see a ""cute little dog"". Actually I don't really lay a single hand on random dogs I come across to show them love. I just love their personality, and their loyalty. Almost at levels that it brings tears to my eyes even when I just think about their pure loyalty. 

Having a dog friend would help with my depression vastly, and the thought of it brings a smile to my face...  Until I think of their eventual deaths. The fact that they won't be able to live long enough, and the fact that I knowingly make a close friend whose death will wreck me keep me away from this thought. 

What do you guys think?",tinyspeckinspace,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feamwy/does_it_make_sense_to_have_a_pet_dog_if_you_are/,adore dog love human type person go crazy whenever see cute little dog actually really lay single hand random dog come across show love love personality loyalty almost level brings tear eye even think pure loyalty dog friend would help depression vastly thought brings smile face think eventual death fact able live long enough fact knowingly make close friend whose death wreck keep away thought guy think,doe make sense pet dog experiencing depression,tiny speck space,706,72,tiny speck space adore dog love human type person go crazy whenever see cute little dog actually really lay single hand random dog come across show love love personality loyalty almost level brings tear eye even think pure loyalty dog friend would help depression vastly thought brings smile face think eventual death fact able live long enough fact knowingly make close friend whose death wreck keep away thought guy think doe make sense pet dog experiencing depression
heartbroken,"my first ever boyfriend just broke up with me after confronting him about cheating. i know what he did was wrong, so why do i still love him? he helped me with my depression and anxiety episodes, he literally just dropped me as if i was worth nothing and it hurts so bad. i feel empty, i dont wanna go back to how i was. back to feeling lonely and worthless of love, how do i move forward when all i want is to disappear, everything reminds me of him and i cant stop crying",bpz979,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8bl7/heartbroken/,first ever boyfriend broke confronting cheating know wa wrong still love helped depression anxiety episode literally dropped wa worth nothing hurt bad feel empty dont wanna go back wa back feeling lonely worthless love move forward want disappear everything reminds cant stop cry,heartbroken,bp z 979,473,11,bp z 979 first ever boyfriend broke confronting cheating know wa wrong still love helped depression anxiety episode literally dropped wa worth nothing hurt bad feel empty dont wanna go back wa back feeling lonely worthless love move forward want disappear everything reminds cant stop cry heartbroken
Mental illness vs lazy,"I’ve been diagnosed with this and that etc but day to day I try and play devils advocate with myself because my motivation is at maximum low. What part of my behavior is due to mental illness and what part is due to being lazy I shit on myself all the time. There’s things I can physically literally do, like clean my room, put sheets on my bed, shower or whatever but when it comes down to it I put myself in a hole. There’s times where I get so suicidal that once those thoughts pass and time heals or whatever the fuck I’m left to not give a shit about anything because in my head I should be dead and whatever good happens to me in my life in the future was luck and the rest was destined. Something like that. I hate articulating",Adumdabum,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2u4y/mental_illness_vs_lazy/,diagnosed etc day day try play devil advocate motivation maximum low part behavior due mental illness part due lazy shit time thing physically literally like clean room put sheet bed shower whatever come put hole time get suicidal thought pas time heals whatever fuck left give shit anything head dead whatever good happens life future wa luck rest wa destined something like hate articulating,mental illness v lazy,ad umd bum,734,22,ad umd bum diagnosed etc day day try play devil advocate motivation maximum low part behavior due mental illness part due lazy shit time thing physically literally like clean room put sheet bed shower whatever come put hole time get suicidal thought pas time heals whatever fuck left give shit anything head dead whatever good happens life future wa luck rest wa destined something like hate articulating mental illness v lazy
I don't know how to ask for help,"My heart is screaming, my soul (and my right arm due to self harm) is bleeding and burning, I am feeling lower and lower each day that passes, I feel more and more like I will explode, several personnal reasons caused me to feel this way (sexual abuse, poverty, loneliness, studies, ill relatives, I am also possibly underdiagnosed when it comes to my mental health) but I don't know how to ask for help.

I don't know what to say, and I would feel guilty saying this to the people around me because I will bother them. 

I told it to my best friend but she is suicidal and severely depressed and she started to self harm again after I told her I self harmed and I don't want to make her feel worse. I want to support her although I don't have the strength to do that. I told it to a friend and to my sister as well and although they are helping and kind, I don't want to tell them how bad I feel. I don't know how to.

I tried to see psychologist but I have to wait untill at least april. This is a free psychologist and I can't afford to see another one earlier if it means I have to pay. My credit card has been stolen anyway lol.

Anyway, my way of coping with all of this is to put myself in danger and make myself feel physically bad in the hope I will feel more valid in my suffering and that I will finally be able to ask for help and feel like I deserve it. 

Does someone else feel this way here ? 

Thank you for reading my messages, and sorry for my english.",GeraBaba,20,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0wsj/i_dont_know_how_to_ask_for_help/,heart screaming soul right arm due self harm bleeding burning feeling lower lower day pass feel like explode several personnal reason caused feel way sexual abuse poverty loneliness study ill relative also possibly underdiagnosed come mental health know ask help know say would feel guilty saying people around bother told best friend suicidal severely depressed started self harm told self harmed want make feel worse want support although strength told friend sister well although helping kind want tell bad feel know tried see psychologist wait untill least april free psychologist afford see another one earlier mean pay credit card ha stolen anyway lol anyway way coping put danger make feel physically bad hope feel valid suffering finally able ask help feel like deserve doe someone else feel way thank reading message sorry english,know ask help,gera baba,1470,32,gera baba heart screaming soul right arm due self harm bleeding burning feeling lower lower day pass feel like explode several personnal reason caused feel way sexual abuse poverty loneliness study ill relative also possibly underdiagnosed come mental health know ask help know say would feel guilty saying people around bother told best friend suicidal severely depressed started self harm told self harmed want make feel worse want support although strength told friend sister well although helping kind want tell bad feel know tried see psychologist wait untill least april free psychologist afford see another one earlier mean pay credit card ha stolen anyway lol anyway way coping put danger make feel physically bad hope feel valid suffering finally able ask help feel like deserve doe someone else feel way thank reading message sorry english know ask help
I just want to feel less alone,All my friends live out of town. I had to go no contact with my mom again. Usually the only person i speak to on the day to day is my 8 yr old. Im 29 and don't know how to make friends. Occasionally someone moe extroverted will make friends with me but it always ends with them taking advantage of my kindness so i have to drop them from my life. Im tired of being alone. Im tired of being disabled. Im tired of all my mental illnesses. Im tired of wanting to die. I need to be held so bad.  A judge once told my mom she shouldn't have had kids. He was right. I didn't ask for this. Im in therapy and on antidepressants but its not enough. I just want it to be over.,tacocat6942042,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6i8l/i_just_want_to_feel_less_alone/,friend live town go contact mom usually person speak day day 8 yr old im 29 know make friend occasionally someone moe extroverted make friend always end taking advantage kindness drop life im tired alone im tired disabled im tired mental illness im tired wanting die need held bad judge told mom kid wa right ask im therapy antidepressant enough want,want feel le alone,taco cat 6942042,666,30,taco cat 6942042 friend live town go contact mom usually person speak day day 8 yr old im 29 know make friend occasionally someone moe extroverted make friend always end taking advantage kindness drop life im tired alone im tired disabled im tired mental illness im tired wanting die need held bad judge told mom kid wa right ask im therapy antidepressant enough want want feel le alone
Black girl blues,I hate my fucking job. I hate the people I work with. I hate feeling so frustrated and angry and sad and hopeless. I hate being a fucking minority in a world where you work so hard and put in so much work just to be overlooked and shitted on. People will probably vote this post down just because I put that. I hate everything. It’s like I’m not even allowed to have my feelings without them being wrong or being critiqued for them. Nothing is ever enough. It literally feels like there is no point. But yay. Black girl magic.,KAW61188,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3dbd/black_girl_blues/,hate fucking job hate people work hate feeling frustrated angry sad hopeless hate fucking minority world work hard put much work overlooked shitted people probably vote post put hate everything like even allowed feeling without wrong critiqued nothing ever enough literally feel like point yay black girl magic,black girl blue,kaw 61188,526,16,kaw 61188 hate fucking job hate people work hate feeling frustrated angry sad hopeless hate fucking minority world work hard put much work overlooked shitted people probably vote post put hate everything like even allowed feeling without wrong critiqued nothing ever enough literally feel like point yay black girl magic black girl blue
I'm starting to have unrealistic thoughts of the future,"Home life is really bad at the moment, both parents are alcoholics and recently their drinking had been getting a lot worse. It's cause both sides of my family to argue due to my parents lack of care over my younger sister. I want to move out but I do not have the money, I don't really have anywhere to go, I want to call social services on my parents (again) but I can't as I'll be kicked out and have my belongings potentially trashed. My parents have never been there for me, I didn't have the best childhood, which has caused me to have an unfortunate array of mental disorders and depression. But now I'm starting to think I'll win the lottery of 1 million and everything will be okay, I keep thinking I'm going to win money and then I can move out and give me and my sister a better life for both of us. It's getting to the point that I'm daydreaming constantly of winning a large sum of money, and that I can get my own place and my sister will be okay. Ive started to genuinely think I'm a millionare. I'm that depressed I'm having unrealistic dreams and thoughts of the future so I don't think of what's happening at home and I don't know what to do. I don't get a lot of money to my self, I cannot get a job due to health/mental health reasons, even though I'd like to work. Everything is getting worse again and it feels like my brain is struggling on ways to cope with it.",laylarose2407,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feaf4c/im_starting_to_have_unrealistic_thoughts_of_the/,home life really bad moment parent alcoholic recently drinking getting lot worse cause side family argue due parent lack care younger sister want move money really anywhere go want call social service parent kicked belonging potentially trashed parent never best childhood ha caused unfortunate array mental disorder depression starting think win lottery 1 million everything okay keep thinking going win money move give sister better life u getting point daydreaming constantly winning large sum money get place sister okay ive started genuinely think millionare depressed unrealistic dream thought future think happening home know get lot money self cannot get job due health mental health reason even though like work everything getting worse feel like brain struggling way cope,starting unrealistic thought future,layla rose 2407,1385,55,layla rose 2407 home life really bad moment parent alcoholic recently drinking getting lot worse cause side family argue due parent lack care younger sister want move money really anywhere go want call social service parent kicked belonging potentially trashed parent never best childhood ha caused unfortunate array mental disorder depression starting think win lottery 1 million everything okay keep thinking going win money move give sister better life u getting point daydreaming constantly winning large sum money get place sister okay ive started genuinely think millionare depressed unrealistic dream thought future think happening home know get lot money self cannot get job due health mental health reason even though like work everything getting worse feel like brain struggling way cope starting unrealistic thought future
It’s not always Suicidal,"I’ve always felt suicidal most of my life and I still do, but since past few years along with having thoughts of suicide I started getting thoughts about hurting myself very badly like I have these popup like instructions in front of me where I feel like I should rip my arms or tear my skin bear handed or If I’m walking by a rack of acid or any chemicals I have thoughts about pouring all of those on me and torturing me. I don’t know what it’s called or even if it’s real. I feel really terrible. Even now as I type I feel like stabbing myself in throat continuously.",Kirito14rm,17,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe15gm/its_not_always_suicidal/,always felt suicidal life still since past year along thought suicide started getting thought hurting badly like popup like instruction front feel like rip arm tear skin bear handed walking rack acid chemical thought pouring torturing know called even real feel really terrible even type feel like stabbing throat continuously,always suicidal,kiri 14 rm,570,24,kiri 14 rm always felt suicidal life still since past year along thought suicide started getting thought hurting badly like popup like instruction front feel like rip arm tear skin bear handed walking rack acid chemical thought pouring torturing know called even real feel really terrible even type feel like stabbing throat continuously always suicidal
"I want help, but I keep pushing it away","I’ve been going through it for the longest time now, but when I have scheduled therapist appointments and medication waiting for me at the pharmacy I just fucking dip.

It’s been a routine three or four times now and I just don’t know how to muster the drive to get myself out of this shitty hole. 

How do you guys manage to do it?",maronelahone,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/feac41/i_want_help_but_i_keep_pushing_it_away/,going longest time scheduled therapist appointment medication waiting pharmacy fucking dip routine three four time know muster drive get shitty hole guy manage,want help keep pushing away,maron elah one,332,39,maron elah one going longest time scheduled therapist appointment medication waiting pharmacy fucking dip routine three four time know muster drive get shitty hole guy manage want help keep pushing away
Cursed,"I feel like I’m cursed. I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve this. I try to be good, I’m not an evil person... I care, I try to be there, I try to help to others. My entire life has been shit... addicted parents who’ve never been there emotionally for me, abusive relationships, eating disorders, anxiety, depression... 

It’s funny how one little thing can change everything. As March started, I truthfully started feeling better, things were on the up and up... I even went to the gym and worked out yesterday, fully motivated to keep it going. Then, last night yet another curse. Now we’re back at square one, and the worst part is I have no one. I’m alone, physically and emotionally. I don’t have any friends or family to talk to or confide in. My partner is just as bad as I am in terms of mental state, so I can’t rely on him emotionally at all. I’ve managed to get through so many things in my life... and I thought they would make me strong.... but I was completely wrong. I’m weak. I’m sick of everything, I’m starting to really lose my faith in everything and everyone. I went to sleep last night wishing to never wake up again. I’m so disappointed to be alive right now.",throoowmeawaaaay6,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduwds/cursed/,feel like cursed understand done deserve try good evil person care try try help others entire life ha shit addicted parent never emotionally abusive relationship eating disorder anxiety depression funny one little thing change everything march started truthfully started feeling better thing even went gym worked yesterday fully motivated keep going last night yet another curse back square one worst part one alone physically emotionally friend family talk confide partner bad term mental state rely emotionally managed get many thing life thought would make strong wa completely wrong weak sick everything starting really lose faith everything everyone went sleep last night wishing never wake disappointed alive right,cursed,th roo ow awa ay 6,1190,6,th roo ow awa ay 6 feel like cursed understand done deserve try good evil person care try try help others entire life ha shit addicted parent never emotionally abusive relationship eating disorder anxiety depression funny one little thing change everything march started truthfully started feeling better thing even went gym worked yesterday fully motivated keep going last night yet another curse back square one worst part one alone physically emotionally friend family talk confide partner bad term mental state rely emotionally managed get many thing life thought would make strong wa completely wrong weak sick everything starting really lose faith everything everyone went sleep last night wishing never wake disappointed alive right cursed
"""Chemical Imbalance""","> **[Trigger Warning: self-harm descriptions]** I found this in my notes in my phone from 4 years ago. I forgot how much I used to write about what it was like living inside my mind back when I was at my lowest point.

**Chemical Imbalance**  

It always starts with something taken out of proportion. A misread text, a misunderstood gesture, a misjudged opinion, or a misguided tone.  
“I love you.” They attempt to bring you back to a reasoning reality.  
But love isn't *love* anymore.  
Love is fake.  
Love is wrong.  
Love is *hate*.  
*I hate you*. Their mimicked voice echoes.   
Triggering the avalanche of spiteful words spraying from your pale lips.   
*They hate you*. The voice darkens.  
You watch them slowly fall into your torturous whirlwind of abuse. You watch them cry for help and ask for you to stop and listen to yourself, listening to you hate yourself and want to die is too much for them.  
Then you watch them leave. You watch them run away in fear.   

Your bony fingers crack as they clench into a fist. Your jagged nails are digging into your skin.   
Anger engulfs your vision, taking control of rationality.  
The first blow strikes hard on your face. It stings, but you go a second time. And a third. Until your head starts ringing.   
*You seriously fucked up this time*. The dark voice echoes.  
You can't see anything for what it really is.  
“But you said they hated me!” You argue with the little self-worth you have left.   
*Yes, and you believed me. You stupid little girl*.  
That restless feeling of guilt starts trickling down your spine. Did you jump to conclusions? Did you just impulsively hurt a loved one’s feelings? Did you just make them witness something so traumatic it will never leave them?  
*Yes, you're a twisted abuser*.  

No, you can't be here. You can't be alive anymore. You don't deserve it. You have hurt someone who needs you, you have acted out of spite.  
*Do it. You're worthless. They don't want or need you here*.  
More impulsive actions unfold, you only want to escape the guilt and anger that overfills your head. But you're scared to do it. You're scared to make the final exit by your hand.   
*Cowardice. You can't live and you can't die. You are pathetic*.  

The razor is in view. Tears are finally pushing out, causing more pain than the blade that now pierces your skin. Scarred and thin, the skin breaks. But no satisfaction is found unless you cut too deep. Only disappointment seeps in, blaming yourself for your cowardly slashes. Not going deep enough, pathetic little scratches. Why can't you feel more pain? Why can't you cut deeper?   
*You fail at even the simplest things*.  
You cut more. Faster, harder. You want centimetres, not millimetres.  
But still the same depth, still the same shit.  

There’re too many cuts now. But still no pain, only numbness from the raw wounds you view.   
But the blood won't stop. Your wrists are painted. Like stained crimson cloaks wrapped around each arm.   
You slip in the dark puddle and feel the red wetness of the towel you clench.    
“Take me!” You scream.   
“Please just take me!” You keep screaming at the otherworldly force.   
Pleading for the way out, pleading your heart would just stop.   
Now a mess of tears and blood on the floor, you weep.   
The sounds of silence bounces in your head.  
The dark voice is gone.   
Nothing.  

A door opens.   
The realisation of someone witnessing the mess you are in kicks you up.   
You can smell the shame from your cold sweat. You can see the damage you've caused yourself and the one who is about the enter.  

“I'm sorry.” You whisper.   
You are numb and frozen as they wrap the bandages around your wrists.   
“I'm sorry.”   
You can see the pain in their eyes. You can feel the fear in their trembles. You can hear the confusion in their silence.  

*You don't deserve this love*. The dark voice echoes.   
And then you fall back into the abyss.",poppi__054,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea7zb/chemical_imbalance/,gt trigger warning self harm description found note phone 4 year ago forgot much used write wa like living inside mind back wa lowest point chemical imbalance always start something taken proportion misread text misunderstood gesture misjudged opinion misguided tone love attempt bring back reasoning reality love love anymore love fake love wrong love hate hate mimicked voice echo triggering avalanche spiteful word spraying pale lip hate voice darkens watch slowly fall torturous whirlwind abuse watch cry help ask stop listen listening hate want die much watch leave watch run away fear bony finger crack clench fist jagged nail digging skin anger engulfs vision taking control rationality first blow strike hard face sting go second time third head start ringing seriously fucked time dark voice echo see anything really said hated argue little self worth left yes believed stupid little girl restless feeling guilt start trickling spine jump conclusion impulsively hurt loved one feeling make witness something traumatic never leave yes twisted abuser alive anymore deserve hurt someone need acted spite worthless want need impulsive action unfold want escape guilt anger overfills head scared scared make final exit hand cowardice live die pathetic razor view tear finally pushing causing pain blade pierce skin scarred thin skin break satisfaction found unless cut deep disappointment seeps blaming cowardly slash going deep enough pathetic little scratch feel pain cut deeper fail even simplest thing cut faster harder want centimetre millimetre still depth still shit many cut still pain numbness raw wound view blood stop wrist painted like stained crimson cloak wrapped around arm slip dark puddle feel red wetness towel clench take scream please take keep screaming otherworldly force pleading way pleading heart would stop mess tear blood floor weep sound silence bounce head dark voice gone nothing door open realisation someone witnessing mess kick smell shame cold sweat see damage caused one enter sorry whisper numb frozen wrap bandage around wrist sorry see pain eye feel fear tremble hear confusion silence deserve love dark voice echo fall back abyss,chemical imbalance,poppi 054,3939,20,poppi 054 gt trigger warning self harm description found note phone 4 year ago forgot much used write wa like living inside mind back wa lowest point chemical imbalance always start something taken proportion misread text misunderstood gesture misjudged opinion misguided tone love attempt bring back reasoning reality love love anymore love fake love wrong love hate hate mimicked voice echo triggering avalanche spiteful word spraying pale lip hate voice darkens watch slowly fall torturous whirlwind abuse watch cry help ask stop listen listening hate want die much watch leave watch run away fear bony finger crack clench fist jagged nail digging skin anger engulfs vision taking control rationality first blow strike hard face sting go second time third head start ringing seriously fucked time dark voice echo see anything really said hated argue little self worth left yes believed stupid little girl restless feeling guilt start trickling spine jump conclusion impulsively hurt loved one feeling make witness something traumatic never leave yes twisted abuser alive anymore deserve hurt someone need acted spite worthless want need impulsive action unfold want escape guilt anger overfills head scared scared make final exit hand cowardice live die pathetic razor view tear finally pushing causing pain blade pierce skin scarred thin skin break satisfaction found unless cut deep disappointment seeps blaming cowardly slash going deep enough pathetic little scratch feel pain cut deeper fail even simplest thing cut faster harder want centimetre millimetre still depth still shit many cut still pain numbness raw wound view blood stop wrist painted like stained crimson cloak wrapped around arm slip dark puddle feel red wetness towel clench take scream please take keep screaming otherworldly force pleading way pleading heart would stop mess tear blood floor weep sound silence bounce head dark voice gone nothing door open realisation someone witnessing mess kick smell shame cold sweat see damage caused one enter sorry whisper numb frozen wrap bandage around wrist sorry see pain eye feel fear tremble hear confusion silence deserve love dark voice echo fall back abyss chemical imbalance
Uncontrollable phrases?,"Has some of you ever sometimes or all the times tell yourself that ""I hate myself"" like it just comes out out of nowhere? Or ""I want to die"".  Like I can be in deep thought and it just comes out without me thinking like it's a habit or something. I sometimes have to look around to make sure no one heard me. Does anyone ever experience this? Am I explaining this clearly enough?



Edit: thanks for all the comments today wasn't the best day for me or week for that matter. Y'all comments made me feel a little better. Especially Mr. Wicked91 thanks, man!!!!!",Neil3116_,167,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdgxip/uncontrollable_phrases/,ha ever sometimes time tell hate like come nowhere want die like deep thought come without thinking like habit something sometimes look around make sure one heard doe anyone ever experience explaining clearly enough edit thanks comment today best day week matter comment made feel little better especially mr wicked91 thanks man,uncontrollable phrase,neil 3116,560,23,neil 3116 ha ever sometimes time tell hate like come nowhere want die like deep thought come without thinking like habit something sometimes look around make sure one heard doe anyone ever experience explaining clearly enough edit thanks comment today best day week matter comment made feel little better especially mr wicked91 thanks man uncontrollable phrase
"I miss being depressed. Now that I'm no longer numb, and can think ""clearly"" I've realized just how hopeless my situation is.","Can somebody on this sub go back in time, and stop me from making the decision to ""focus on my happiness""? Last year (2 days before my 25th birthday) I made this decision, and I fucking regret it. I'm realizing how hopeless my situation is, and I have the energy and motivation to throw myself off of a cliff now. I decided that I'm going to kill myself before I turn 30 unless things change. There's no way that I can live life so isolated, and trapped in my own head.

Edit: To whoever commented ""K bye"", why did you delete your post or block me lol?",madsadchadglad,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1bbu/i_miss_being_depressed_now_that_im_no_longer_numb/,somebody sub go back time stop making decision focus happiness last year 2 day 25th birthday made decision fucking regret realizing hopeless situation energy motivation throw cliff decided going kill turn 30 unless thing change way live life isolated trapped head edit whoever commented k bye delete post block lol,miss depressed longer numb think clearly realized hopeless situation,mad sad chad glad,552,125,mad sad chad glad somebody sub go back time stop making decision focus happiness last year 2 day 25th birthday made decision fucking regret realizing hopeless situation energy motivation throw cliff decided going kill turn 30 unless thing change way live life isolated trapped head edit whoever commented k bye delete post block lol miss depressed longer numb think clearly realized hopeless situation
I don’t know if I can do this anymore.,"I feel so empty. I don’t even know what to write here because I just.. I am.. I don’t want to be in this body, in this depressed brain anymore. It doesn’t feel fair. All I’ve ever done is help people. I worked in nursing homes for years. Now I work with developmentally disabled adults. I feel like I’ve been grasping at a reason to live. If I’m consistently helping someone else live a happier/healthier/easier life, maybe I’ll get better. Maybe I’ll deserve to get better. 

I have only gotten worse.",hideovs,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea1nd/i_dont_know_if_i_can_do_this_anymore/,feel empty even know write want body depressed brain anymore feel fair ever done help people worked nursing home year work developmentally disabled adult feel like grasping reason live consistently helping someone else live happier healthier easier life maybe get better maybe deserve get better gotten worse,know anymore,hideo v,502,38,hideo v feel empty even know write want body depressed brain anymore feel fair ever done help people worked nursing home year work developmentally disabled adult feel like grasping reason live consistently helping someone else live happier healthier easier life maybe get better maybe deserve get better gotten worse know anymore
An elementary comprehension,"Most days, I’m aluminum. Unique but compliant.
I try to be tungsten, with my zinc outer coating.
Iron insides
With smatterings of diamond.
But I’m weak and frail, like shale.
Carboniferous 
Inherently 
And oxygen is an asshole
Just saying",DocRustyV,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fea0t1/an_elementary_comprehension/,day aluminum unique compliant try tungsten zinc outer coating iron inside smattering diamond weak frail like shale carboniferous inherently oxygen asshole saying,elementary comprehension,crusty v,238,27,crusty v day aluminum unique compliant try tungsten zinc outer coating iron inside smattering diamond weak frail like shale carboniferous inherently oxygen asshole saying elementary comprehension
Drinking keeps me alive,It used to be something I did once every couple weeks at a party when I was a teen. Now it makes me happy. I love waking up still hungover with brain fog. It gives me this fuzzy feeling I used to feel with my SO. I know it’s terrible for me. I still work out but that only gives me an hour high. I’ve realized if I’m sober my thoughts consume me and when I’m drunk everything’s ok. My family and friends wonder how I do it but I guess I like the depressing hungover feeling.,rememberthememoriez,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7juy/drinking_keeps_me_alive/,used something every couple week party wa teen make happy love waking still hungover brain fog give fuzzy feeling used feel know terrible still work give hour high realized sober thought consume drunk everything ok family friend wonder guess like depressing hungover feeling,drinking keep alive,remember memo riez,474,23,remember memo riez used something every couple week party wa teen make happy love waking still hungover brain fog give fuzzy feeling used feel know terrible still work give hour high realized sober thought consume drunk everything ok family friend wonder guess like depressing hungover feeling drinking keep alive
"problems in my new career path, now regretting it all.","*I apologize in advance for any terms i use which may not be common to most readers* 
I was once proud of this and now i see it as a neutral thing, but i joined the army. at first i loved the comeraderie, pt, rucks, etc. and basic was a lot of fun with the grenades, obstacle courses, etc. but now im an academic fail out from AIT (job training in the army). its really painful living as a holdover. for those who are thinking ""wtf is a holdover?"": a holdover is someone who for whatever reason failed from their training, got injured, or in at least moderately serious trouble. the job of a holdover is mostly sitting on bleachers all day near the drill sergeants officespace until the end of the workday.  they will sometimes clean or perform some paper work on occasion. i contribute nothing, do nothing, and all the while watching my old friends earn the exact position that i spent the last several months of working my heart out for. im not angry at them, so much as i am just really... frustrated. because of my jobs academic difficulty, this is really not uncommon but ive been stuck here as a holdover for over a month now. 9 hours per day, 5 days per week, of sitting and doing next to nothing. i feel like a drain on society while also miserable with the ""work"" i am doing. 

i used to think that i wasnt contributing to anything while training but was fine with it because my job was to learn to be a soldier. but now i have no job, no purpose, and none of the old freedoms i had as a civilian as a consolation. i still have to abide by the ""battle buddy"" system in which soldiers in basic and AIT cannot ever be without another soldier around except for very specific circumstances. i am not allowed off base (which is less than 2 square miles of space). and i cannot have things like electronics during the time in which im ""working"" to pass the time. this has all made me thoroughly reexamine my reasons for every decision ive ever made.

at first when i failed out i knew id be sent to a new MOS (army job). id hoped for armor (tank stuff), artillery, infantry, or really just anything except for signals (computers, which frustrate me to my wits end), medical (im afraid of needles), and transport (i hate working on cars). and the drill sergeant said the best case scenario, id be sent off to be an IT specialist. i was nothing short of devastated. 

Just one month ago, i was what youd think of when you thought of a bubbly, outgoing, and motivated soldier. Today i realized i had an issue when a drill sgt that i very much look up to came back after being gone for a few months and she noticed that i was showing signs of being ""off"" before i even really said anything. 

I used to be really great at pt, and now im doing so poorly that i may get kicked out of the army entirely. im stressed, saddened by my prospects, and overall just ashamed of where i am. if it werent for my gf whose been nothing short of incredible, there is no way i would have ever made it this far. but now it feels like in the process of joining the army, i started walking from new york to california, i was getting close to nevada until i tripped, got knocked the fuck out, and woke up in ohio. and now im just staring at the map thinking how itd be so much easier to just turn back and cut my losses.

thank you for putting up with my long rant reddit,
The salty ""soldier""",canwegetanfinchat,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7h7j/problems_in_my_new_career_path_now_regretting_it/,apologize advance term use may common reader wa proud see neutral thing joined army first loved comeraderie pt ruck etc basic wa lot fun grenade obstacle course etc im academic fail ait job training army really painful living holdover thinking wtf holdover holdover someone whatever reason failed training got injured least moderately serious trouble job holdover mostly sitting bleacher day near drill sergeant officespace end workday sometimes clean perform paper work occasion contribute nothing nothing watching old friend earn exact position spent last several month working heart im angry much really frustrated job academic difficulty really uncommon ive stuck holdover month 9 hour per day 5 day per week sitting next nothing feel like drain society also miserable work used think wasnt contributing anything training wa fine job wa learn soldier job purpose none old freedom civilian consolation still abide battle buddy system soldier basic ait cannot ever without another soldier around except specific circumstance allowed base le 2 square mile space cannot thing like electronics time im working pas time ha made thoroughly reexamine reason every decision ive ever made first failed knew id sent new mo army job id hoped armor tank stuff artillery infantry really anything except signal computer frustrate wit end medical im afraid needle transport hate working car drill sergeant said best case scenario id sent specialist wa nothing short devastated one month ago wa youd think thought bubbly outgoing motivated soldier today realized issue drill sgt much look came back gone month noticed wa showing sign even really said anything used really great pt im poorly may get kicked army entirely im stressed saddened prospect overall ashamed werent gf whose nothing short incredible way would ever made far feel like process joining army started walking new york california wa getting close nevada tripped got knocked fuck woke ohio im staring map thinking itd much easier turn back cut loss thank putting long rant reddit salty soldier,problem new career path regretting,get finch,3371,54,get finch apologize advance term use may common reader wa proud see neutral thing joined army first loved comeraderie pt ruck etc basic wa lot fun grenade obstacle course etc im academic fail ait job training army really painful living holdover thinking wtf holdover holdover someone whatever reason failed training got injured least moderately serious trouble job holdover mostly sitting bleacher day near drill sergeant officespace end workday sometimes clean perform paper work occasion contribute nothing nothing watching old friend earn exact position spent last several month working heart im angry much really frustrated job academic difficulty really uncommon ive stuck holdover month 9 hour per day 5 day per week sitting next nothing feel like drain society also miserable work used think wasnt contributing anything training wa fine job wa learn soldier job purpose none old freedom civilian consolation still abide battle buddy system soldier basic ait cannot ever without another soldier around except specific circumstance allowed base le 2 square mile space cannot thing like electronics time im working pas time ha made thoroughly reexamine reason every decision ive ever made first failed knew id sent new mo army job id hoped armor tank stuff artillery infantry really anything except signal computer frustrate wit end medical im afraid needle transport hate working car drill sergeant said best case scenario id sent specialist wa nothing short devastated one month ago wa youd think thought bubbly outgoing motivated soldier today realized issue drill sgt much look came back gone month noticed wa showing sign even really said anything used really great pt im poorly may get kicked army entirely im stressed saddened prospect overall ashamed werent gf whose nothing short incredible way would ever made far feel like process joining army started walking new york california wa getting close nevada tripped got knocked fuck woke ohio im staring map thinking itd much easier turn back cut loss thank putting long rant reddit salty soldier problem new career path regretting
Where did I go?,For the past months i have not felt a single bit like myself. I feel like an empty shell of who i was just going wherever the waves take me. Some days feel good others not so much. I’m in vacation and depressed. I never knew that to be possible.,j_cama_72cho,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7fd7/where_did_i_go/,past month felt single bit like feel like empty shell wa going wherever wave take day feel good others much vacation depressed never knew possible,go,j cama 72 cho,245,15,j cama 72 cho past month felt single bit like feel like empty shell wa going wherever wave take day feel good others much vacation depressed never knew possible go
21st century sucks,You're people through a screen I'm never going to interact with. You don't know me and I don't know you. How can any of you say you care when you don't even know my name? This world absolutely sucks. I can't even talk to anyone anymore because everyone walks around with those goddamn airpods and it makes everyone so unapproachable. Fucks sake I'm so tired of living in today's world. I have no friends I only have my two dogs. I swear the day my parents and my two dogs pass away I'm offing myself from this insufferable miserable planet.,showmeyourbobbers,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7faz/21st_century_sucks/,people screen never going interact know know say care even know name world absolutely suck even talk anyone anymore everyone walk around goddamn airpods make everyone unapproachable fuck sake tired living today world friend two dog swear day parent two dog pas away offing insufferable miserable planet,21st century suck,show bob r,540,18,show bob r people screen never going interact know know say care even know name world absolutely suck even talk anyone anymore everyone walk around goddamn airpods make everyone unapproachable fuck sake tired living today world friend two dog swear day parent two dog pas away offing insufferable miserable planet 21st century suck
Unexpected Depressice Episode,"I just need to know someone is there for me. At the time of posting, I'm deep in a depressive episode with no ending in sight.

I missed a single day of my Sertraline and I feel like I've hit rock bottom. This isnt the first time I've forgotten my pills but I'm worried now. I only missed one dose and I'm worried if I actually ran out. Is this not rock bottom? I know it cant be, because I'm still here. 

Nothing sounds better to the dark part of my brain than self harm. My go to during breakdowns has been clawing at my arms, some bad enough to leave scars. 

God I need a smoke, please. 

At the time of posting, I have taken my current dose and trying to relax in bed. But the tears keep coming and my mind wont stop.",Crzy1emo1chick,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9vbn/unexpected_depressice_episode/,need know someone time posting deep depressive episode ending sight missed single day sertraline feel like hit rock bottom isnt first time forgotten pill worried missed one dose worried actually ran rock bottom know cant still nothing sound better dark part brain self harm go breakdown ha clawing arm bad enough leave scar god need smoke please time posting taken current dose trying relax bed tear keep coming mind wont stop,unexpected depressice episode,cr zy 1 emo 1 chick,723,29,cr zy 1 emo 1 chick need know someone time posting deep depressive episode ending sight missed single day sertraline feel like hit rock bottom isnt first time forgotten pill worried missed one dose worried actually ran rock bottom know cant still nothing sound better dark part brain self harm go breakdown ha clawing arm bad enough leave scar god need smoke please time posting taken current dose trying relax bed tear keep coming mind wont stop unexpected depressice episode
How would a suicide hotline respond if you have a plan to kill yourself but you may not actually go through with it?,"i have a plan to kill myself, but in not sure im actually gonna go through with it. i've been considering everything, the consequences, what'll happen if i don't die, the repercussion of everything if i don't die, how itll affect people, and i'm not sure if ill actually do it. i want to call a hotline, but id rather no one else be called, so i want to know, if i told them this, would they tell someone else? or call someone? i don't want anyone else to be informed of how i'm suicidal. especially my family.",the-greatest-paninis,16,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0vyf/how_would_a_suicide_hotline_respond_if_you_have_a/,plan kill sure im actually gonna go considering everything consequence happen die repercussion everything die itll affect people sure ill actually want call hotline id rather one else called want know told would tell someone else call someone want anyone else informed suicidal especially family,would suicide hotline respond plan kill may actually go,greatest panini,510,116,greatest panini plan kill sure im actually gonna go considering everything consequence happen die repercussion everything die itll affect people sure ill actually want call hotline id rather one else called want know told would tell someone else call someone want anyone else informed suicidal especially family would suicide hotline respond plan kill may actually go
It's unfair that I have to live with this burden everyday and they can go about their lives without caring.,"At the end of last July, a boy I thought I liked had a party at my house. I got drunker than I ever have in my life and I kind of got taken advantage of, and I really think about it a lot. How could this person that I thought was my friend let this happen to me? Why is it that everyone was mad at me for crying about it after it happened, why did everyone tell me I was making a scene, telling me I was making it a bigger deal than it really was. I've carried this ever since it happened and I can't make it go away, I can't stop thinking about it.

My family is moving out of that house now and I found a pile of the boy's shit that they all left at my house that night. I threw it all away and it didn't make me feel any better, it just made me wonder why I still had it. It dragged up a lot of bad stuff for me and I can't get this off of my mind so I'm sharing it here now. Maybe this isn't the right place for this story, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I don't even know who I'm the most mad at at. I think it's me. I don't know why I let this happen to me.",throwaway2422_,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4952/its_unfair_that_i_have_to_live_with_this_burden/,end last july boy thought liked party house got drunker ever life kind got taken advantage really think lot could person thought wa friend let happen everyone wa mad cry happened everyone tell wa making scene telling wa making bigger deal really wa carried ever since happened make go away stop thinking family moving house found pile boy shit left house night threw away make feel better made wonder still dragged lot bad stuff get mind sharing maybe right place story sorry sorry lot thing even know mad think know let happen,unfair live burden everyday go life without caring,throwaway 2422,1078,107,throwaway 2422 end last july boy thought liked party house got drunker ever life kind got taken advantage really think lot could person thought wa friend let happen everyone wa mad cry happened everyone tell wa making scene telling wa making bigger deal really wa carried ever since happened make go away stop thinking family moving house found pile boy shit left house night threw away make feel better made wonder still dragged lot bad stuff get mind sharing maybe right place story sorry sorry lot thing even know mad think know let happen unfair live burden everyday go life without caring
Any advice?,"Started college 10 yrs ago. Was going to graduate soon but haven't been able to keep up w/ school since Jan. Depression, anxiety + giving up, self sabotage, isolating from friends/family. Can't seem to do anything. Feeling helpless, no motivation, angry, no confidence. Therapy and meds not helping. Have let everyone down including myself. What should I do?",whoisthereitsme,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5geo/any_advice/,started college 10 yr ago wa going graduate soon able keep w school since jan depression anxiety giving self sabotage isolating friend family seem anything feeling helpless motivation angry confidence therapy med helping let everyone including,advice,,358,11, started college 10 yr ago wa going graduate soon able keep w school since jan depression anxiety giving self sabotage isolating friend family seem anything feeling helpless motivation angry confidence therapy med helping let everyone including advice
I cant fucking take it anymore but it feels like theres no escape,"My mom had a talk with me about how if it wasnt for me she would give up. Now suicide is off the table, but what the fuck is on the table then? Living through this hell, where i cant concentrate because i have intrusive thoughts so bad, i NEED something to take my mind off of the thoughts. And my parents tell me im not allowed to tell a doctor, because the intrusive thoughts could endanger my planned out medical career. Life has become too much to bear and i cant take it. Ive become so stressed my eye has started to twitch almost every time i blink. I cant escape, and not even suicide is an answer anymore. It doesnt help that it feels like everyone god damn hates me. Any mistake i make, i always have a thought like ""wow, that person probably hates me now"" and i cant live with my own thoughts. When ever i dont have a distraction, my mind starts saying violent stuff i dint agree with, but it says it in my voice, making me think im fucking crazy. Maybe i am fucking crazy. Id prefer no one knew me, so no one would miss me once im gone. Please, someone help.",insan9806,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe76nh/i_cant_fucking_take_it_anymore_but_it_feels_like/,mom talk wasnt would give suicide table fuck table living hell cant concentrate intrusive thought bad need something take mind thought parent tell im allowed tell doctor intrusive thought could endanger planned medical career life ha become much bear cant take ive become stressed eye ha started twitch almost every time blink cant escape even suicide answer anymore doesnt help feel like everyone god damn hate mistake make always thought like wow person probably hate cant live thought ever dont distraction mind start saying violent stuff dint agree say voice making think im fucking crazy maybe fucking crazy id prefer one knew one would miss im gone please someone help,cant fucking take anymore feel like escape,san 9806,1069,65,san 9806 mom talk wasnt would give suicide table fuck table living hell cant concentrate intrusive thought bad need something take mind thought parent tell im allowed tell doctor intrusive thought could endanger planned medical career life ha become much bear cant take ive become stressed eye ha started twitch almost every time blink cant escape even suicide answer anymore doesnt help feel like everyone god damn hate mistake make always thought like wow person probably hate cant live thought ever dont distraction mind start saying violent stuff dint agree say voice making think im fucking crazy maybe fucking crazy id prefer one knew one would miss im gone please someone help cant fucking take anymore feel like escape
Don't have a single good memory to remember,"Don't have a single good memory to think of n smile or feel good about. 
Instead its traumatic and triggers serious depression and sadness. 
Anyone else who suffers something similar?",Jimmyconwayyy,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe25bu/dont_have_a_single_good_memory_to_remember/,single good memory think n smile feel good instead traumatic trigger serious depression sadness anyone else suffers something similar,single good memory remember,jimmy conway yy,183,43,jimmy conway yy single good memory think n smile feel good instead traumatic trigger serious depression sadness anyone else suffers something similar single good memory remember
Well I thought I was doing okay,Tonight my mom got pissy over something incredibly petty which made me mad- my dad told me to just walk away before things get bad which I did- but of course my mom has to get the last words in and they’re always insults so I’ve been in my room crying for a while because everything came back up and the years of self hatred really hit hard again,Hf10603,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe75yr/well_i_thought_i_was_doing_okay/,tonight mom got pissy something incredibly petty made mad dad told walk away thing get bad course mom ha get last word always insult room cry everything came back year self hatred really hit hard,well thought wa okay,hf 10603,346,31,hf 10603 tonight mom got pissy something incredibly petty made mad dad told walk away thing get bad course mom ha get last word always insult room cry everything came back year self hatred really hit hard well thought wa okay
Does Buspar help?,I was just prescribed it for my severe depression and anxiety.,GrantMcF18,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe75n0/does_buspar_help/,wa prescribed severe depression anxiety,doe buspar help,grant cf 18,62,17,grant cf 18 wa prescribed severe depression anxiety doe buspar help
Ah yes I love my crippling guilt complex,"There are probably serial killers who sleep easier at night and with fewer regrets than me and I try so dang hard to be nice to people. I want to support my friends the best I can. If anyone else I knew said this I’d be reassuring them in a second. Why can’t this apply to me, why do I hate myself",tacopok,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe444x/ah_yes_i_love_my_crippling_guilt_complex/,probably serial killer sleep easier night fewer regret try dang hard nice people want support friend best anyone else knew said reassuring second apply hate,ah yes love crippling guilt complex,taco pok,297,40,taco pok probably serial killer sleep easier night fewer regret try dang hard nice people want support friend best anyone else knew said reassuring second apply hate ah yes love crippling guilt complex
I honestly just give up.,"I can never have a meaningful relationship with anyone, romantically or otherwise.  I'm too fucked to make a lasting impression one anyone other than the lost puppy who follows people around hoping for some attention, or a good lay but nothing worth taking to me your friends and family. 

I'm not looking for pity I just have no one to voice this too.  I always feel looked over, left behind, or just plain snubbed altogether.  At this point in my life (mid 30s) I'm just done trying and it hurts.  I enjoy myself, my hobbies and my alone time.  But that is literally all I have other than work.

I'm just feeling betrayed and hurt by someone I have always been there for and I just don't want to go through this again and again. 

I'm just done.",RMR175,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe75az/i_honestly_just_give_up/,never meaningful relationship anyone romantically otherwise fucked make lasting impression one anyone lost puppy follows people around hoping attention good lay nothing worth taking friend family looking pity one voice always feel looked left behind plain snubbed altogether point life mid 30 done trying hurt enjoy hobby alone time literally work feeling betrayed hurt someone always want go done,honestly give,r mr 175,747,24,r mr 175 never meaningful relationship anyone romantically otherwise fucked make lasting impression one anyone lost puppy follows people around hoping attention good lay nothing worth taking friend family looking pity one voice always feel looked left behind plain snubbed altogether point life mid 30 done trying hurt enjoy hobby alone time literally work feeling betrayed hurt someone always want go done honestly give
"Can I help, for just a minute?","Hey, I've struggled hard with depression and I'm currently grieving a suicide of a loved one. Not feeling too great at the moment. I'm offering a song to any of you who want one. I will write and record a song about you or about any topic you would like. It will be free and with the hopes that it makes your life a little bit better, even just for a moment. I'm a musician and I love writing songs about other people. About 4 years ago I wrote 30-40 songs for people on reddit and it went really well. I was thinking of doing it again and decided to offer it to you guys first. My songs are humorous in nature however, if you tell me anything I shouldn't say,  I'll respect that.

​

Edit: 1 minute after I posted this, someone wrote something that they deleted. It seemed like it was negative but I couldn't read it all. If this is at all offensive to anyone I will remove this post right away. That's the last thing I want to do. ",shrim51,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1a2f/can_i_help_for_just_a_minute/,hey struggled hard depression currently grieving suicide loved one feeling great moment offering song want one write record song topic would like free hope make life little bit better even moment musician love writing song people 4 year ago wrote 30 40 song people reddit went really well wa thinking decided offer guy first song humorous nature however tell anything say respect amp x200b edit 1 minute posted someone wrote something deleted seemed like wa negative read offensive anyone remove post right away last thing want,help minute,shri 51,944,30,shri 51 hey struggled hard depression currently grieving suicide loved one feeling great moment offering song want one write record song topic would like free hope make life little bit better even moment musician love writing song people 4 year ago wrote 30 40 song people reddit went really well wa thinking decided offer guy first song humorous nature however tell anything say respect amp x200b edit 1 minute posted someone wrote something deleted seemed like wa negative read offensive anyone remove post right away last thing want help minute
No matter how much my parents tell me that they love me I can never believe them.,I don’t know why I am so fucked up but I never feel like I can trust my parents word. My siblings are completely self successful and on their straight path to be coming everything the world wants them to be but me? I’m stuck in reverse. Sitting at home too anxious or exhausted to even shower or brush my teeth. My parents tell me they love me and they don’t care how long it takes me to succeed but I don’t believe them. I want to... but a part of me will always never believe them.,Soggy_Trumpet,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrmpc/no_matter_how_much_my_parents_tell_me_that_they/,know fucked never feel like trust parent word sibling completely self successful straight path coming everything world want stuck reverse sitting home anxious exhausted even shower brush teeth parent tell love care long take succeed believe want part always never believe,matter much parent tell love never believe,soggy trumpet,483,81,soggy trumpet know fucked never feel like trust parent word sibling completely self successful straight path coming everything world want stuck reverse sitting home anxious exhausted even shower brush teeth parent tell love care long take succeed believe want part always never believe matter much parent tell love never believe
"I’ve lost 4 pounds since Monday, this is just getting worse","I don’t like to complain and so I don’t talk about my depression a lot to my friends/loved ones, I don’t want to worry them or be annoying. It’s been getting progressively worse recently though, I’m dropping weight like crazy (I’ve never had it interfere with weight before), when I do try to talk about it, things get minimized and nobody really gives a f*ck. I had my s/o tell me that I was “not really sad” yesterday, and that messed with me because not only has he not known me for the majority of my life, but just because I don’t like to talk about my problems doesn’t mean they don’t exist. He really has no idea. My mom is a therapist so when I try to talk to her she just gets overly worried, and my dad generally follows her lead with that. I understand why they worry, a couple years ago I had a pretty bad suicide attempt and a near fatal overdose (od was an accident, I was just being dumb) within less than 6 months of each other, they worry that it’ll happen again. It gets annoying though because I feel like I can’t even say I’m sad without “are you on drugs again” etc. Now that I think about it maybe this post doesn’t make sense/ is all over the place, I guess it’s easier to vent to strangers on the internet than the people in my life.",[deleted],1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe407t/ive_lost_4_pounds_since_monday_this_is_just/,like complain talk depression lot friend loved one want worry annoying getting progressively worse recently though dropping weight like crazy never interfere weight try talk thing get minimized nobody really give f ck tell wa really sad yesterday messed ha known majority life like talk problem mean exist really ha idea mom therapist try talk get overly worried dad generally follows lead understand worry couple year ago pretty bad suicide attempt near fatal overdose od wa accident wa dumb within le 6 month worry happen get annoying though feel like even say sad without drug etc think maybe post make sense place guess easier vent stranger internet people life,lost 4 pound since monday getting worse,deleted,1257,59,deleted like complain talk depression lot friend loved one want worry annoying getting progressively worse recently though dropping weight like crazy never interfere weight try talk thing get minimized nobody really give f ck tell wa really sad yesterday messed ha known majority life like talk problem mean exist really ha idea mom therapist try talk get overly worried dad generally follows lead understand worry couple year ago pretty bad suicide attempt near fatal overdose od wa accident wa dumb within le 6 month worry happen get annoying though feel like even say sad without drug etc think maybe post make sense place guess easier vent stranger internet people life lost 4 pound since monday getting worse
Anyone willing to talk?,Any chance anyone is up right now? i just cut and tried to take as many anti-depressant meds... could use someone right now,DarknessRises30,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe71bc/anyone_willing_to_talk/,chance anyone right cut tried take many anti depressant med could use someone right,anyone willing talk,darkness rise 30,123,23,darkness rise 30 chance anyone right cut tried take many anti depressant med could use someone right anyone willing talk
Scared and lonely during school break,"So my school’s currently on “winter” break so everyone went back home and I’m sitting alone in my room, extremely lonely and scared. 
As a kid I was afraid to be left alone in the house when my parents were at work and I’m having an exact same feeling again. I took xanax to calm myself down but this lingering feeling of something might happen to me is really bothering me. I also have other bad memories of being left alone so I’m assuming those memories are also affecting me. I’m really scared and I hope I have someone or even a pet that can keep my company. Just wanted to talk it out so I don’t stay paralyzed on my bed. If you have any tips to get through this (the break is until this weekend) please lmk :(",spicyramyunn,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe714m/scared_and_lonely_during_school_break/,school currently winter break everyone went back home sitting alone room extremely lonely scared kid wa afraid left alone house parent work exact feeling took xanax calm lingering feeling something might happen really bothering also bad memory left alone assuming memory also affecting really scared hope someone even pet keep company wanted talk stay paralyzed bed tip get break weekend please lmk,scared lonely school break,spicy ram yun n,716,37,spicy ram yun n school currently winter break everyone went back home sitting alone room extremely lonely scared kid wa afraid left alone house parent work exact feeling took xanax calm lingering feeling something might happen really bothering also bad memory left alone assuming memory also affecting really scared hope someone even pet keep company wanted talk stay paralyzed bed tip get break weekend please lmk scared lonely school break
Why does no one talk about consent and decision making in a more serious context with depression?,"Recently, im going through a severe depressive episode and I did some things I would not have otherwise done that are now affecting my mental health further and affecting someone I love. 

I would like to hear those with severe depression talk about whether they feel they have the ability to consent and make decisions on sensitive matters during severe depressive episodes.

It feels like society tells everyone that it is their fault if they make a bad decision, that they are responsible for their choices, and most dont understand mental illness properly and to me its not that black and white. 

I want to know whether you think you truly have the capacity to be at fault for a decision youve made if it is something you would not have done outside an acute depressive episode.

Four abilities are usually assessed with decision making when I was looking around. The only studies I found were for research purposes (which saddens me, but thats a whole other topic).

The four abilities:
Understanding
Appreciating
Reasoning
Ability to express a choice

Now I cant say I know the exact ways to interpet these 4 things right now without further research but, do you feel you possess these abilities during a severe depressive episode? Do you possess some and not others? Does it vary? 

My answer would be during a severe depressive episode, I do not possess any of these reliably at every moment. It is not consistent enough for me to able to say I possess any of them during these times.

Thank you for reading ♡",loverofsoup,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwet1/why_does_no_one_talk_about_consent_and_decision/,recently im going severe depressive episode thing would otherwise done affecting mental health affecting someone love would like hear severe depression talk whether feel ability consent make decision sensitive matter severe depressive episode feel like society tell everyone fault make bad decision responsible choice dont understand mental illness properly black white want know whether think truly capacity fault decision youve made something would done outside acute depressive episode four ability usually assessed decision making wa looking around study found research purpose saddens thats whole topic four ability understanding appreciating reasoning ability express choice cant say know exact way interpet 4 thing right without research feel posse ability severe depressive episode posse others doe vary answer would severe depressive episode posse reliably every moment consistent enough able say posse time thank reading,doe one talk consent decision making serious context depression,lover soup,1518,97,lover soup recently im going severe depressive episode thing would otherwise done affecting mental health affecting someone love would like hear severe depression talk whether feel ability consent make decision sensitive matter severe depressive episode feel like society tell everyone fault make bad decision responsible choice dont understand mental illness properly black white want know whether think truly capacity fault decision youve made something would done outside acute depressive episode four ability usually assessed decision making wa looking around study found research purpose saddens thats whole topic four ability understanding appreciating reasoning ability express choice cant say know exact way interpet 4 thing right without research feel posse ability severe depressive episode posse others doe vary answer would severe depressive episode posse reliably every moment consistent enough able say posse time thank reading doe one talk consent decision making serious context depression
I would like to excersize in peace,"I'm trying out doing jumping Jack's, squats, situps for an hour every (other day)in order to feel alittle bit more active and help me mood by listeing to hype songs.
My mom tells me to stop every 10 minutes and then tells me to eat less if I wanted to work out so much after.  She tells me to focus on other things and stop saying im.busy studying. 
Let me try to get some healing time jesus",owellowell,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6zw5/i_would_like_to_excersize_in_peace/,trying jumping jack squat situps hour every day order feel alittle bit active help mood listeing hype song mom tell stop every 10 minute tell eat le wanted work much tell focus thing stop saying im busy studying let try get healing time jesus,would like excersize peace,well well,391,34,well well trying jumping jack squat situps hour every day order feel alittle bit active help mood listeing hype song mom tell stop every 10 minute tell eat le wanted work much tell focus thing stop saying im busy studying let try get healing time jesus would like excersize peace
Feeling like no one appreciates my existence.,I feel like everyone just doesn't appreciate me. And I only feel this because of school. My teacher told me today that if I didn't do anything that would be more helpful than me actually trying to do something. I'm only 10 and I feel like no one my age should be feeling like this. I know you people are much older and have to deal with way worse problems but when your a goddamn 5th grader life shouldn't make you feel like your worthless. My entire day was filled with unfairness. Teachers have their favorites and if you aren't one of them you'll be treated like shit.,FormerAccident,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1v8s/feeling_like_no_one_appreciates_my_existence/,feel like everyone appreciate feel school teacher told today anything would helpful actually trying something 10 feel like one age feeling like know people much older deal way worse problem goddamn 5th grader life make feel like worthless entire day wa filled unfairness teacher favorite one treated like shit,feeling like one appreciates existence,former accident,571,45,former accident feel like everyone appreciate feel school teacher told today anything would helpful actually trying something 10 feel like one age feeling like know people much older deal way worse problem goddamn 5th grader life make feel like worthless entire day wa filled unfairness teacher favorite one treated like shit feeling like one appreciates existence
I haven't had a good rest in months,"Whenever I am in bed trying to sleep, I always lay there for another 2-3 hours just trying to see how I got to the point where I am, it always ends with me feeling too bad to even think about anything anymore and I essentially cry myself to sleep.The lack of sleep caused  my grades to plummet as I can never focus in class.

 Every day just makes me feel worse with everything around me slowly losing its meaning.",e-er,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3vwn/i_havent_had_a_good_rest_in_months/,whenever bed trying sleep always lay another 2 3 hour trying see got point always end feeling bad even think anything anymore essentially cry sleep lack sleep caused grade plummet never focus class every day make feel worse everything around slowly losing meaning,good rest month,e er,414,35,e er whenever bed trying sleep always lay another 2 3 hour trying see got point always end feeling bad even think anything anymore essentially cry sleep lack sleep caused grade plummet never focus class every day make feel worse everything around slowly losing meaning good rest month
I was doing sooooo good dude,"I was doing so good, the birds all sang in the morning, the aroma of the flowers; I had not been enticed by that smell in such a long time. I had managed to clean my room; got rid of the giant stack of clothes, the water bottle collection and opened up the curtains to let the sun radiate my small lumpy mattress. Lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks from eating right and hitting the gym. Went out of my way to interact with people, like I used to love. I was planning to make a cheesecake with my niece and make strawberry flowers. Then I realized how pointless all THIS is. I’m NEVER going to be happy. I guess that’s just how it goes. Like a swing, bro. Now I’m here indecisive on whether to buy the poison that has released me from the shackles of existence countless other times or return to my prison cell and “face it like a man”. Either way there is no way out.",felipeepee,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3vvp/i_was_doing_sooooo_good_dude/,wa good bird sang morning aroma flower enticed smell long time managed clean room got rid giant stack clothes water bottle collection opened curtain let sun radiate small lumpy mattress lost 5 pound 2 week eating right hitting gym went way interact people like used love wa planning make cheesecake niece make strawberry flower realized pointless never going happy guess go like swing bro indecisive whether buy poison ha released shackle existence countless time return prison cell face like man either way way,wa sooooo good dude,felipe e pee,858,28,felipe e pee wa good bird sang morning aroma flower enticed smell long time managed clean room got rid giant stack clothes water bottle collection opened curtain let sun radiate small lumpy mattress lost 5 pound 2 week eating right hitting gym went way interact people like used love wa planning make cheesecake niece make strawberry flower realized pointless never going happy guess go like swing bro indecisive whether buy poison ha released shackle existence countless time return prison cell face like man either way way wa sooooo good dude
Getting Ditched,I’ve never been good at making friends. I never had any through middle school. Last year I made one though. We got really close but after I told him about my depression he seemed to drift off. Yesterday morning while we were talking he said he had to meet up with his teacher and told me that he’d tell me once he’s done. As I was walking around the halls I saw him with a group of other people. I don’t care that he was with others considering things have gotten awkward between us. what bothered me was that he just ditched me. I’d much rather have been told that he was going to meet some of his other friends. I dont have anyone tanymore because after that he just said that he doesn’t want to see me anymore.,bj4732,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1sat/getting_ditched/,never good making friend never middle school last year made one though got really close told depression seemed drift yesterday morning talking said meet teacher told tell done wa walking around hall saw group people care wa others considering thing gotten awkward u bothered wa ditched much rather told wa going meet friend dont anyone tanymore said want see anymore,getting ditched,bj 4732,713,15,bj 4732 never good making friend never middle school last year made one though got really close told depression seemed drift yesterday morning talking said meet teacher told tell done wa walking around hall saw group people care wa others considering thing gotten awkward u bothered wa ditched much rather told wa going meet friend dont anyone tanymore said want see anymore getting ditched
guess i leave this here,"Idk guys my life sucks. I mean i have more than the most people have, but it seems like my life just gives me shit. I try to be positive about the most things but it doesnt help at all. I even did lsd for like 4 times now. And every time i used like 3 hours just for thinking about my life and the things that make me happy. It helped me. I know what i want in life. I dont care about cars and money. I just want a Family with a wife that loves me. But with that Knowledge comes the fear that i wont archive those things. Idk i feel so alone at the moment. So fucking alone that i made a reddit post just to express my feelings. 
Idk i guess im gonna smoke weed and drink myself to sleep tonight. I hope you guys are fine. And remember mom would be sad..",Lil_Madd,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3t33/guess_i_leave_this_here/,idk guy life suck mean people seems like life give shit try positive thing doesnt help even lsd like 4 time every time used like 3 hour thinking life thing make happy helped know want life dont care car money want family wife love knowledge come fear wont archive thing idk feel alone moment fucking alone made reddit post express feeling idk guess im gonna smoke weed drink sleep tonight hope guy fine remember mom would sad,guess leave,lil madd,754,23,lil madd idk guy life suck mean people seems like life give shit try positive thing doesnt help even lsd like 4 time every time used like 3 hour thinking life thing make happy helped know want life dont care car money want family wife love knowledge come fear wont archive thing idk feel alone moment fucking alone made reddit post express feeling idk guess im gonna smoke weed drink sleep tonight hope guy fine remember mom would sad guess leave
"When you try so hard, still fail. Depression is always there.","I have been through a very hard life, from my single parent mother being addicted to drugs, being in Foster care for 7 years, to being homeless for 6 years. I have and had finally gotten myself where I needed to be. I got a puppy I love dearly and has been my Emotional Support animal. I do everything in life for him now. I finally got my own place after 4 years. I have a great job that I am happy to go to and I can afford to pay my bills and all of my habits/ needs. Today I got a notice to vacat after spending months fighting over Landlord Obligations. I lost my old job a month ago because of the emotional distress that  I was in. I literally told my manager ""How can i care about someones remote not working and sit with all sincerity to trouble shoot, and I go home everyday to no heat and my dog shaking uncontrollable, but keeps a smile on his face for me?"" I was unable to pay my electric bill, so they are trying to evict me on the premise of breaking the lease. All of this is breaking my faith. I am trying so hard, but everytime I get a head there's something trying to break me. Today I have fallen back into my depression and cant help but say it's better to give my pup away to someone more stable and kill myself. I cant keep going and dealing with uncertainty or being homeless. I try so hard everyday, to just get pushed back into the void. It took me losing myself and being at the end and seeing the darkness as a comfort, for me to get to where I am now. Yet, it seems life wants me to go back there. I am numb and ready.",PenizCeiling,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy8dz/when_you_try_so_hard_still_fail_depression_is/,hard life single parent mother addicted drug foster care 7 year homeless 6 year finally gotten needed got puppy love dearly ha emotional support animal everything life finally got place 4 year great job happy go afford pay bill habit need today got notice vacat spending month fighting landlord obligation lost old job month ago emotional distress wa literally told manager care someone remote working sit sincerity trouble shoot go home everyday heat dog shaking uncontrollable keep smile face wa unable pay electric bill trying evict premise breaking lease breaking faith trying hard everytime get head something trying break today fallen back depression cant help say better give pup away someone stable kill cant keep going dealing uncertainty homeless try hard everyday get pushed back void took losing end seeing darkness comfort get yet seems life want go back numb ready,try hard still fail depression always,peni z ceiling,1547,61,peni z ceiling hard life single parent mother addicted drug foster care 7 year homeless 6 year finally gotten needed got puppy love dearly ha emotional support animal everything life finally got place 4 year great job happy go afford pay bill habit need today got notice vacat spending month fighting landlord obligation lost old job month ago emotional distress wa literally told manager care someone remote working sit sincerity trouble shoot go home everyday heat dog shaking uncontrollable keep smile face wa unable pay electric bill trying evict premise breaking lease breaking faith trying hard everytime get head something trying break today fallen back depression cant help say better give pup away someone stable kill cant keep going dealing uncertainty homeless try hard everyday get pushed back void took losing end seeing darkness comfort get yet seems life want go back numb ready try hard still fail depression always
Can your body get depressed without you knowing it,"My question is can your body get depressed 
Without you even knowing it?
So the last few months I've seen some changes 
In my body, getting 4 hours sleep if I'm lucky
And it's broken, not wanting to go out because 
I'm so tired, everytime I eat I feel sick. 
But the thing is my mind feels okay and
Yes I've had suffered from depression many 
Times before, also a few other things. I see 
My doctor on a regular basis, but of late it's 
Been hard finding the right time. It wasn't until 
A few days I thought my body might be depressed,
I started thinking about the stuff that has been 
Going on with me for the last few months and I 
Remember that I had a major operation about 
7 months ago and that's when it all started and
Has gotten worse over time. The reason that
I'm asking here is because I don't want to 
Worry family or friends and I find it hard to talk 
To them about this stuff because they don't 
Really understand it. So my question is can your 
Body get depressed without you knowing it???
Thank you to anyone who's taken the time to 
Read this, will answer any questions.",MsBellatrixza,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6uz3/can_your_body_get_depressed_without_you_knowing_it/,question body get depressed without even knowing last month seen change body getting 4 hour sleep lucky broken wanting go tired everytime eat feel sick thing mind feel okay yes suffered depression many time also thing see doctor regular basis late hard finding right time day thought body might depressed started thinking stuff ha going last month remember major operation 7 month ago started ha gotten worse time reason asking want worry family friend find hard talk stuff really understand question body get depressed without knowing thank anyone taken time read answer question,body get depressed without knowing,bellatrix za,1090,50,bellatrix za question body get depressed without even knowing last month seen change body getting 4 hour sleep lucky broken wanting go tired everytime eat feel sick thing mind feel okay yes suffered depression many time also thing see doctor regular basis late hard finding right time day thought body might depressed started thinking stuff ha going last month remember major operation 7 month ago started ha gotten worse time reason asking want worry family friend find hard talk stuff really understand question body get depressed without knowing thank anyone taken time read answer question body get depressed without knowing
Need help,"Hi I don't really know how to phrase this situation but I'll try. My life is at a really good point right now, I'm never really depressed over stuff and 99 percent of the time my mind is clear. I'm about to graduate high school and I'm really excited. However, people in my family and friend group have tons of issues. Wether they sleep all day, hate themselves, or have no ambition to keep living on in this world, they've got problems. I don't wanna sound like I'm gloating, but usually I'm the person that a lot of these people end up going to because usually I'm able to talk people through issues and help them in the long run. Yeah sometimes their issues make me really sad and stuff because who doesn't feel sad when people are telling you they feel worthless.

But today one of my best friends showed me that he was cutting and it really effected me. I talked to him about it and it's mostly because of how painfully ""bored"" he is and he doesn't even know why he's doing it (he's a pretty logical guy). He will go to class and just sit there for and hour most of the time doing nothing challenging because that's the way our school works. He has clinically diagnosed depression, has been to a psychiatric ward, and sees a therapist regularly. It's only been a couple hours since he showed me his arm, and I didn't even see all of it. 

I've got two main problems right now. First I don't really know how to help him. He said literally the only thing I can really do is just hang out with him after school and on the weekends so he doesn't just sit in bed all day. I've been trying to make an effort to do that as much as I can but I need to do more. He said himself that as long as he goes to highschool, and considering it's the law, he's going to feel this way until we graduate. I just need to know something I can do to help him, do I tell his parents? A therapist won't help he already goes to one. Should I talk to him more about it tomorrow. I just don't know

Second, stuff like this is really effecting me. I just feel that the world is being unfair to everyone I care about and I just want everyone I love to feel better. As of lately I've been feeling depressed whenever my friends need to talk about issues and it's really weighing down on me. I just don't want to leave the people I care about down in the dirt. 

So yeah if anyone has any advice whatsoever please help me. Im normally able to deal with these feelings and help my friends but right now I'm struggling. Thank you ❤️",F4GG0T_,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1qdq/need_help/,hi really know phrase situation try life really good point right never really depressed stuff 99 percent time mind clear graduate high school really excited however people family friend group ton issue wether sleep day hate ambition keep living world got problem wanna sound like gloating usually person lot people end going usually able talk people issue help long run yeah sometimes issue make really sad stuff feel sad people telling feel worthless today one best friend showed wa cutting really effected talked mostly painfully bored even know pretty logical guy go class sit hour time nothing challenging way school work ha clinically diagnosed depression ha psychiatric ward see therapist regularly couple hour since showed arm even see got two main problem right first really know help said literally thing really hang school weekend sit bed day trying make effort much need said long go highschool considering law going feel way graduate need know something help tell parent therapist help already go one talk tomorrow know second stuff like really effecting feel world unfair everyone care want everyone love feel better lately feeling depressed whenever friend need talk issue really weighing want leave people care dirt yeah anyone ha advice whatsoever please help im normally able deal feeling help friend right struggling thank,need help,f 4 gg 0,2502,9,f 4 gg 0 hi really know phrase situation try life really good point right never really depressed stuff 99 percent time mind clear graduate high school really excited however people family friend group ton issue wether sleep day hate ambition keep living world got problem wanna sound like gloating usually person lot people end going usually able talk people issue help long run yeah sometimes issue make really sad stuff feel sad people telling feel worthless today one best friend showed wa cutting really effected talked mostly painfully bored even know pretty logical guy go class sit hour time nothing challenging way school work ha clinically diagnosed depression ha psychiatric ward see therapist regularly couple hour since showed arm even see got two main problem right first really know help said literally thing really hang school weekend sit bed day trying make effort much need said long go highschool considering law going feel way graduate need know something help tell parent therapist help already go one talk tomorrow know second stuff like really effecting feel world unfair everyone care want everyone love feel better lately feeling depressed whenever friend need talk issue really weighing want leave people care dirt yeah anyone ha advice whatsoever please help im normally able deal feeling help friend right struggling thank need help
"I don't think I want to die, but I want everything to stop","I was born, was taught to get a good education so I can one day provide for myself and do things so I could survive being in this world I never even asked to be in. But why. Why do I have to. For the experience? Well yeah, but I won't remember all of this when I cease to exist. So people will remember me, the memories they had with me? Well yeah, but one day, all of them will also be gone until every person's memory of me is long forgotten and fades into oblivion. What's the point of having to experience things when in the end, I won't even remember I had experiences in the first place",lokisetfree,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtp40/i_dont_think_i_want_to_die_but_i_want_everything/,wa born wa taught get good education one day provide thing could survive world never even asked experience well yeah remember cease exist people remember memory well yeah one day also gone every person memory long forgotten fade oblivion point experience thing end even remember experience first place,think want die want everything stop,loki set free,592,58,loki set free wa born wa taught get good education one day provide thing could survive world never even asked experience well yeah remember cease exist people remember memory well yeah one day also gone every person memory long forgotten fade oblivion point experience thing end even remember experience first place think want die want everything stop
Trial and error of antidepressants,"What does it mean when someone tells you that you have failed to achieve an adequate response from antidepressants? What does it mean when you havent responded to antidepressants? I dont feel as nauseous when I eat, Im not super angry at everyone all of the time, and I sleep a little bit better because of my antidepressants. What is the ideal response from an antidepressant?",FunDip500,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3p1s/trial_and_error_of_antidepressants/,doe mean someone tell failed achieve adequate response antidepressant doe mean havent responded antidepressant dont feel nauseous eat im super angry everyone time sleep little bit better antidepressant ideal response antidepressant,trial error antidepressant,fund ip 500,377,34,fund ip 500 doe mean someone tell failed achieve adequate response antidepressant doe mean havent responded antidepressant dont feel nauseous eat im super angry everyone time sleep little bit better antidepressant ideal response antidepressant trial error antidepressant
26 broke no love life and living my cancer grandfather,"i've had a loaded weapon to my head couple of times in my life. when i was a combat engineer and later when i worked security. couple of days ago some guy aimed a gun at me and i felt nothing. i feel like i shouldve died in combat. when there was a big operation i was injuried with a dislocated shoulder. i had to see my friends come back injured and messed up. i think about that a lot. i grow up with a shitty ass father too. shitty job shitty life..broke as fuck. all my money is spent on booze and weed. i honestly wanna go down in a fight, either shoot me or stab me. only time i felt alive was when i was in those crazy riots with moltovs and rocks thrown at me. when we enterd villages late at night and we shot at. why the fuck am i alive right now? every job i had since being a civilian has been shit. been treated like garbage everywhere. yeah i had fun. i partied i fucked i did a lot of drugs. i just feel drained, i've been feeling like that since i remember myself. always pondering, always saying to myself i'm the only one who truly understands me. my ex cheated on me. why could i get stabbed in the heart? maybe then i would feel something.",zrokaway,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3mtz/26_broke_no_love_life_and_living_my_cancer/,loaded weapon head couple time life wa combat engineer later worked security couple day ago guy aimed gun felt nothing feel like shouldve died combat wa big operation wa injuried dislocated shoulder see friend come back injured messed think lot grow shitty father shitty job shitty life broke fuck money spent booze weed honestly wanna go fight either shoot stab time felt alive wa wa crazy riot moltovs rock thrown enterd village late night shot fuck alive right every job since civilian ha shit treated like garbage everywhere yeah fun partied fucked lot drug feel drained feeling like since remember always pondering always saying one truly understands ex cheated could get stabbed heart maybe would feel something,26 broke love life living cancer grandfather,z rok away,1160,54,z rok away loaded weapon head couple time life wa combat engineer later worked security couple day ago guy aimed gun felt nothing feel like shouldve died combat wa big operation wa injuried dislocated shoulder see friend come back injured messed think lot grow shitty father shitty job shitty life broke fuck money spent booze weed honestly wanna go fight either shoot stab time felt alive wa wa crazy riot moltovs rock thrown enterd village late night shot fuck alive right every job since civilian ha shit treated like garbage everywhere yeah fun partied fucked lot drug feel drained feeling like since remember always pondering always saying one truly understands ex cheated could get stabbed heart maybe would feel something 26 broke love life living cancer grandfather
It WiLl GeT bEtTeR wItH TiMe,"Just a little insight about my life 


3 years ago I lost the last vehicle I would ever own

3 years ago I lost the I only place i had to live

Ive lost at least 2-3 jobs in a 3 year span

2 years ago I lost the girl i loved

1 year ago I lost a career I was failing in

6 months ago i was eating good, showering daily I got a job and started fixing my life made plans fo get another car pay some debt

Today I am jobless, homeless, hungry don’t shower often dont eat much, isolate my self



Because I miss life. I miss going out and being able to socialize and I miss like dating and stuff and wearing clean clothes paying bills on time and not being behind miss having a drivers license and not being in fear everytime I get behind the wheel, miss having the Apartment for having girls just come over when ever they want, I miss eating good I miss shopping for things, 

Im barely living  and have been doing that for the past 3 years 

Everytime I get a job I try and fix my credit, and I can never seem to keep with it

I have to live my life with zero payments and buy everything with cash because I clearly can not keep up with them 


Do things really get better with time?",Shawnb215,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0qdm/it_will_get_better_with_time/,little insight life 3 year ago lost last vehicle would ever 3 year ago lost place live ive lost least 2 3 job 3 year span 2 year ago lost girl loved 1 year ago lost career wa failing 6 month ago wa eating good showering daily got job started fixing life made plan fo get another car pay debt today jobless homeless hungry shower often dont eat much isolate self miss life miss going able socialize miss like dating stuff wearing clean clothes paying bill time behind miss driver license fear everytime get behind wheel miss apartment girl come ever want miss eating good miss shopping thing im barely living past 3 year everytime get job try fix credit never seem keep live life zero payment buy everything cash clearly keep thing really get better time,get better time,shawn b 215,1181,28,shawn b 215 little insight life 3 year ago lost last vehicle would ever 3 year ago lost place live ive lost least 2 3 job 3 year span 2 year ago lost girl loved 1 year ago lost career wa failing 6 month ago wa eating good showering daily got job started fixing life made plan fo get another car pay debt today jobless homeless hungry shower often dont eat much isolate self miss life miss going able socialize miss like dating stuff wearing clean clothes paying bill time behind miss driver license fear everytime get behind wheel miss apartment girl come ever want miss eating good miss shopping thing im barely living past 3 year everytime get job try fix credit never seem keep live life zero payment buy everything cash clearly keep thing really get better time get better time
I have lost everything,"I have lost everything, i dont have any reason to live. Im in so much pain, its a constant unending agony. I dont want to live. I am only 16, i should have a full life ahead of me, instead i dont have anything. Id be better off giving up. Its all too much, i dont know why i havent killed myself already, i dont want to live, i just havent bothered to die yet.",AlinaAngelMtF,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe9aq5/i_have_lost_everything/,lost everything dont reason live im much pain constant unending agony dont want live 16 full life ahead instead dont anything id better giving much dont know havent killed already dont want live havent bothered die yet,lost everything,alina angel mtf,360,22,alina angel mtf lost everything dont reason live im much pain constant unending agony dont want live 16 full life ahead instead dont anything id better giving much dont know havent killed already dont want live havent bothered die yet lost everything
Anyone want to chat?,I’m not in a good place at the moment. Just wondering if we could maybe find comfort in each other.,outnotproud,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6mkx/anyone_want_to_chat/,good place moment wondering could maybe find comfort,anyone want chat,proud,99,20,proud good place moment wondering could maybe find comfort anyone want chat
Why are you still alive?,"If you’re reading this, chances are you’re still alive. Why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

Since I’m still alive, there must be a reason but all signs point to it not being worth it for me. Hopefully your reasons can help other people find theirs.",dereulb,29,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0ofw/why_are_you_still_alive/,reading chance still alive killed yet since still alive must reason sign point worth hopefully reason help people find,still alive,de reu lb,250,24,de reu lb reading chance still alive killed yet since still alive must reason sign point worth hopefully reason help people find still alive
Things are going better?,"I'm 16 years old kiddo and diagnosed with deep depression along with SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder).

It's so hard to talk with people or even go out but today i made my first move and went to school where i haven't gone for almost 2 years. Now i'm making my way up to get benzodiazepams for *SAD*
I hope everything goes well and i can go out with friends again cause i barely remember my last time i went out with friends :( my relatives think i'm just lazy but they dont understand how hard it is for me to talk to people or even go out, i get like mini panic attack when i come contact with stranger and it feels awful. Oh mann im just so tired of this shyt",FlyingKittI,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzyxp/things_are_going_better/,16 year old kiddo diagnosed deep depression along sad social anxiety disorder hard talk people even go today made first move went school gone almost 2 year making way get benzodiazepams sad hope everything go well go friend cause barely remember last time went friend relative think lazy dont understand hard talk people even go get like mini panic attack come contact stranger feel awful oh mann im tired shyt,thing going better,flying kitti,659,24,flying kitti 16 year old kiddo diagnosed deep depression along sad social anxiety disorder hard talk people even go today made first move went school gone almost 2 year making way get benzodiazepams sad hope everything go well go friend cause barely remember last time went friend relative think lazy dont understand hard talk people even go get like mini panic attack come contact stranger feel awful oh mann im tired shyt thing going better
Sometimes I wish my life was worse so I can receive sympathy,"My life, from an outside perspective, is objectively comfortable . I’m not terribly rich, but I have a roof over my head and food on my plate, with money to spare for my hobbies. I have a group of close supportive friends. 

I have depression. I’ve had it on and off since I was 11, but it’s been consistently bad for the past year. Everyday is filled with excruciating pain and loneliness.
But I often wish it was worse. I’m ashamed to admit that I sometimes wish my parents died all of a sudden or that my house will burn down or that I’ll get in a bad accident so that I’ll receive public sympathy. I’ll FINALLY have something concrete to complain about! Because guess what? Right now, I *don’t* have much concrete things to complain about. At least not things I can tell people publicly.

I guess another way to put it is that I’m desperate for attention, although I don’t like the connotation that comes with that phrase (as true as it may be). My head’s constantly battling these dark thoughts. My life is a living hell, and I’m frustrated that nobody’s taken notice, when it’s my own damn fault I’m not opening up to anybody. 

Man... I’m just so tired. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up for. Everyday I think that this is the last straw. One of these days I’m going to collapse, but this time I won’t be able to get back up...",NarrowEntertainer,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe98dm/sometimes_i_wish_my_life_was_worse_so_i_can/,life outside perspective objectively comfortable terribly rich roof head food plate money spare hobby group close supportive friend depression since wa 11 consistently bad past year everyday filled excruciating pain loneliness often wish wa worse ashamed admit sometimes wish parent died sudden house burn get bad accident receive public sympathy finally something concrete complain guess right much concrete thing complain least thing tell people publicly guess another way put desperate attention although like connotation come phrase true may head constantly battling dark thought life living hell frustrated nobody taken notice damn fault opening anybody man tired know much longer keep everyday think last straw one day going collapse time able get back,sometimes wish life wa worse receive sympathy,narrow entertainer,1348,60,narrow entertainer life outside perspective objectively comfortable terribly rich roof head food plate money spare hobby group close supportive friend depression since wa 11 consistently bad past year everyday filled excruciating pain loneliness often wish wa worse ashamed admit sometimes wish parent died sudden house burn get bad accident receive public sympathy finally something concrete complain guess right much concrete thing complain least thing tell people publicly guess another way put desperate attention although like connotation come phrase true may head constantly battling dark thought life living hell frustrated nobody taken notice damn fault opening anybody man tired know much longer keep everyday think last straw one day going collapse time able get back sometimes wish life wa worse receive sympathy
"Thought I’m better, nope!","I’ve been struggling with depression, S H since before my teen years and just started to barely get hold of myself. 

Like just today morning my brain was like, “LIFE IS MEANINGLESS! I WANT TO DIE! LET’S DO IT AGAIN! WRIST THEN FOREARM BECAUSE WE’RE DOOMED!!!!!”

And I was like, “BAD BRAIN!!!!!” 

Then I realise: Even if the situations triggering you are no longer present, even if everything is running smooth by others standards, your brain still relies on its default thought pattern. The only thing one could do is to bypass these thought patterns until it becomes the default. 

Therapy finally made sense.",Charlotte-brunette,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6hn5/thought_im_better_nope/,struggling depression h since teen year started barely get hold like today morning brain wa like life meaningless want die let wrist forearm doomed wa like bad brain realise even situation triggering longer present even everything running smooth others standard brain still relies default thought pattern thing one could bypass thought pattern becomes default therapy finally made sense,thought better nope,charlotte brunette,613,25,charlotte brunette struggling depression h since teen year started barely get hold like today morning brain wa like life meaningless want die let wrist forearm doomed wa like bad brain realise even situation triggering longer present even everything running smooth others standard brain still relies default thought pattern thing one could bypass thought pattern becomes default therapy finally made sense thought better nope
Dating,Does anyone feel like the only person that could understand your depression would be someone else that was depressed? But also feel like if they were to date someone who was depressed they couldn't handle it because it might suck you into a place that you don't want to be in again.,Michaxel,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6gf1/dating/,doe anyone feel like person could understand depression would someone else wa depressed also feel like date someone wa depressed handle might suck place want,dating,mich axel,282,6,mich axel doe anyone feel like person could understand depression would someone else wa depressed also feel like date someone wa depressed handle might suck place want dating
i just want to feel something,i want to feel something other than suicidal. it’s the only thing i think about and it’s the only thing I look forward to. i want to feel true happiness for once and not just happy off drugs. im so sick of feeling like shit constantly and I can’t handle it anymore.,hoopaloopa44,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4ogr/i_just_want_to_feel_something/,want feel something suicidal thing think thing look forward want feel true happiness happy drug im sick feeling like shit constantly handle anymore,want feel something,hoop loop 44,265,29,hoop loop 44 want feel something suicidal thing think thing look forward want feel true happiness happy drug im sick feeling like shit constantly handle anymore want feel something
Life is just a cruel joke,"Do yall ever feel so numb and empty, but at the same time you feel so much pain and emotions ? And its so confusing but what are you gonna do about it ?  
Just last week I was feeling better, and now I'm back at the bottom

I don't understand. I have an amazing boyfriend and friends, my family is shitty but I know they do love me, I've just suffered from so much emotional trauma from them.

And I do feel happy sometimes. When I'm with my friends and boyfriend all we do is talk and laugh, but when I'm alone I feel so hopeless. Which makes me wonder if I'm actually even depressed.

It hurts, everything hurts so much.  
I just found out my, ""best friend"" who I've known for 6 years, doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Because I've been so busy with school, and I've been so stressed and just exhausted I haven't seen her in a few weeks and then I found out today from her brother.

My family is a wreck, my mom is always telling me about all her problems and I have to listen and counsel her, I'm just a teenager mom,  I wish you would take me to that doctors appointment like you promised you would so maybe I could actually get some help, instead of running off and leaving for days to God knows where.

I haven't been to church in weeks, church has always been so important to me, but lately I don't want to go, I don't want to see the people there that I've known since I was a baby. I don't want to do anything in my free time but lay on my bed.

I want to cry, I want to cry so badly but I can't. I physically cannot cry, and so I'm just here, shaking, in pain, and at the same time feeling nothing. I'm so scared, I don't want to do this anymore, I can't do it anymore I just want it all to go away. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I wish I could be telling my friends these things, but I'm supposed to be the friend who has every thing together and helps everyone else.

I'm sorry, I needed to rant.",Indeed_I_Am_627,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4nxq/life_is_just_a_cruel_joke/,yall ever feel numb empty time feel much pain emotion confusing gonna last week wa feeling better back bottom understand amazing boyfriend friend family shitty know love suffered much emotional trauma feel happy sometimes friend boyfriend talk laugh alone feel hopeless make wonder actually even depressed hurt everything hurt much found best friend known 6 year want friend anymore busy school stressed exhausted seen week found today brother family wreck mom always telling problem listen counsel teenager mom wish would take doctor appointment like promised would maybe could actually get help instead running leaving day god know church week church ha always important lately want go want see people known since wa baby want anything free time lay bed want cry want cry badly physically cannot cry shaking pain time feeling nothing scared want anymore anymore want go away want go sleep never wake wish could telling friend thing supposed friend ha every thing together help everyone else sorry needed rant,life cruel joke,indeed 627,1924,25,indeed 627 yall ever feel numb empty time feel much pain emotion confusing gonna last week wa feeling better back bottom understand amazing boyfriend friend family shitty know love suffered much emotional trauma feel happy sometimes friend boyfriend talk laugh alone feel hopeless make wonder actually even depressed hurt everything hurt much found best friend known 6 year want friend anymore busy school stressed exhausted seen week found today brother family wreck mom always telling problem listen counsel teenager mom wish would take doctor appointment like promised would maybe could actually get help instead running leaving day god know church week church ha always important lately want go want see people known since wa baby want anything free time lay bed want cry want cry badly physically cannot cry shaking pain time feeling nothing scared want anymore anymore want go away want go sleep never wake wish could telling friend thing supposed friend ha every thing together help everyone else sorry needed rant life cruel joke
I'm having some major nostalgia for high school.,"I was bullied through out my school years, especially in high school. At the time I thought it was the darkest part of my life. I'm in my early 30s and now that I consider those times ""the good ol' days"" it really goes to show how low I've sank.",TanakaBambooWarrior,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3bpp/im_having_some_major_nostalgia_for_high_school/,wa bullied school year especially high school time thought wa darkest part life early 30 consider time good ol day really go show low sank,major nostalgia high school,tanaka bamboo warrior,245,48,tanaka bamboo warrior wa bullied school year especially high school time thought wa darkest part life early 30 consider time good ol day really go show low sank major nostalgia high school
sad face emote,"On the 8th day
God created mankind
Why was He having such a bad day
Why did He create all of you normal
And forget some of the important parts of me
He made the teeth that I swallowed
The ear that was ripped from my skull
A face that no longer exists
Deep inside you are merely a mirror image
Of all my atrocities
The ugliness that exists outside
Lives inside every one of you",imjustbadbadnews,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6d5g/sad_face_emote/,8th day god created mankind wa bad day create normal forget important part made teeth swallowed ear wa ripped skull face longer exists deep inside merely mirror image atrocity ugliness exists outside life inside every one,sad face emote,im bad bad news,376,14,im bad bad news 8th day god created mankind wa bad day create normal forget important part made teeth swallowed ear wa ripped skull face longer exists deep inside merely mirror image atrocity ugliness exists outside life inside every one sad face emote
Constantly depressed,"Ive been depressed for like forever. Im ugly , no one likes me im a loser and im just always sad and i cant do anything about it. Ppl have told tht my life is better if were dead. Life just sucks",bjohnboi12,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe92jb/constantly_depressed/,ive depressed like forever im ugly one like im loser im always sad cant anything ppl told tht life better dead life suck,constantly depressed,b john boi 12,195,20,b john boi 12 ive depressed like forever im ugly one like im loser im always sad cant anything ppl told tht life better dead life suck constantly depressed
How to go to inpatient,"I lied the last time I was almost taken in so that way I could avoid it. But I think I need it, atleast to get away from my family. I dont know, help?
I'm currently hiding in a bathroom supposed to be at lacrosse practice because my mom has been berating me and I just need to breathe..",moronbby,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4ke3/how_to_go_to_inpatient/,lied last time wa almost taken way could avoid think need atleast get away family dont know help currently hiding bathroom supposed lacrosse practice mom ha berating need breathe,go inpatient,moron b,286,22,moron b lied last time wa almost taken way could avoid think need atleast get away family dont know help currently hiding bathroom supposed lacrosse practice mom ha berating need breathe go inpatient
"Those of you that have seen the other side of depression, even if it was only briefly - what was it like?","What’s it like when you come out of a depressive episode? I know it’s not sudden for most.

I just want to know because although I haven’t been depressed my whole life, I have been in a very deep depressive episode the past year and a half and my memory is appalling. I’ve genuinely totally forgotten most of my life, especially how I felt during previous periods of time. (This memory loss is related to dissociation and prolonged trauma as well as low serotonin)

My friend said that she’s come out of her depression and that she feels different. She feels ambitious and the dog has gone. Things feel less difficult. It’s given me so much hope and I want to hear your success stories.

Because I know that it’s common to feel like it’ll never end. But I need to know it will. I’m already so much better thanks to antidepressants but I still struggle a lot.",sparklewormlogic,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4k06/those_of_you_that_have_seen_the_other_side_of/,like come depressive episode know sudden want know although depressed whole life deep depressive episode past year half memory appalling genuinely totally forgotten life especially felt previous period time memory loss related dissociation prolonged trauma well low serotonin friend said come depression feel different feel ambitious dog ha gone thing feel le difficult given much hope want hear success story know common feel like never end need know already much better thanks antidepressant still struggle lot,seen side depression even wa briefly wa like,sparkle worm logic,858,105,sparkle worm logic like come depressive episode know sudden want know although depressed whole life deep depressive episode past year half memory appalling genuinely totally forgotten life especially felt previous period time memory loss related dissociation prolonged trauma well low serotonin friend said come depression feel different feel ambitious dog ha gone thing feel le difficult given much hope want hear success story know common feel like never end need know already much better thanks antidepressant still struggle lot seen side depression even wa briefly wa like
Isolation is self protection.,People say self isolating is bad and you shouldn’t do it and should surround yourself with friends and family but honestly sometimes self isolating is less hurtful. Self isolation protects me from the disappointment of other people’s actions. I can be there for every single other person whatever reason and whenever and the second I’m sinking no one seems to notice or no one seems to take it seriously enough to really care. When all u get is disappointment when you see these people it gets draining so yeah that’s why I self isolate. I’m sick of getting hurt by getting disappointed.,chillinlookin,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe37ei/isolation_is_self_protection/,people say self isolating bad surround friend family honestly sometimes self isolating le hurtful self isolation protects disappointment people action every single person whatever reason whenever second sinking one seems notice one seems take seriously enough really care u get disappointment see people get draining yeah self isolate sick getting hurt getting disappointed,isolation self protection,chill look,587,29,chill look people say self isolating bad surround friend family honestly sometimes self isolating le hurtful self isolation protects disappointment people action every single person whatever reason whenever second sinking one seems notice one seems take seriously enough really care u get disappointment see people get draining yeah self isolate sick getting hurt getting disappointed isolation self protection
I’ll get random moments where I just feel terrible,"I brought this up since it happens around thirty seconds ago

I’ll be sitting in school and all of my depressed thoughts just break the dam they are so inconvenient considering they become all i think about how I’m trash and everyone sees me like that this is fucking brutal I have dealt with this shit for 3 years now I’ve had enough I wish I could get help but I have a very weird head problem we’re I’m embarrassed to get help no matter how many times I’m told getting help is ok I just can’t see a way out",hyperaids420,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe21g3/ill_get_random_moments_where_i_just_feel_terrible/,brought since happens around thirty second ago sitting school depressed thought break dam inconvenient considering become think trash everyone see like fucking brutal dealt shit 3 year enough wish could get help weird head problem embarrassed get help matter many time told getting help ok see way,get random moment feel terrible,hyper aid 420,509,50,hyper aid 420 brought since happens around thirty second ago sitting school depressed thought break dam inconvenient considering become think trash everyone see like fucking brutal dealt shit 3 year enough wish could get help weird head problem embarrassed get help matter many time told getting help ok see way get random moment feel terrible
How do you date while depressed + while your partner is depressed?,"I've had depression for a long time and my partner does too. We've been dating for 6 months and it's a really good relationship.

However we definitely both get sad and we both say things we don't mean when we're sad. How do you guys build back trust and faith if you've said things when you're deeply sad? 

I see a therapist and I am encouraging my partner to see one too.",karna852,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzk01/how_do_you_date_while_depressed_while_your/,depression long time partner doe dating 6 month really good relationship however definitely get sad say thing mean sad guy build back trust faith said thing deeply sad see therapist encouraging partner see one,date depressed partner depressed,karn 852,374,66,karn 852 depression long time partner doe dating 6 month really good relationship however definitely get sad say thing mean sad guy build back trust faith said thing deeply sad see therapist encouraging partner see one date depressed partner depressed
So sick of this BS,"I really don't get it. My life has been in a downward spiral for over a year in a half. I lost my sister to a car accident in January 2019, then my pet of ten years just three months later. Then I lose my home another six month later and now just this week I lose my job. I'm so  tired of this life and I just want to die. I wish for the courage to kill myself but then I think about the burden that would put on my family. I hate this world and everything about it. I really wish I could be killed in a car wreck or something like that so I could get what I want and my family wouldn't be burden by my sorry existence.",lostandbroken51685,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8z2c/so_sick_of_this_bs/,really get life ha downward spiral year half lost sister car accident january 2019 pet ten year three month later lose home another six month later week lose job tired life want die wish courage kill think burden would put family hate world everything really wish could killed car wreck something like could get want family burden sorry existence,sick b,lost broken 51685,619,18,lost broken 51685 really get life ha downward spiral year half lost sister car accident january 2019 pet ten year three month later lose home another six month later week lose job tired life want die wish courage kill think burden would put family hate world everything really wish could killed car wreck something like could get want family burden sorry existence sick b
Inability to be better,"I have found that one of the main issues keeping me from being productive and moving forward is my inability to believe in myself. That is, I’m too worried about what others perceive me to be, and never being able to relax and exist in the moment. I’ve had therapy and medication for depression but none of it helps. If I can’t be better or get better, what’s the point? Why shouldn’t I just kill myself? I don’t want to keep trying. Life is boring. All my wildest dreams always lead to me ending up alone in some way or another. All so I can die without hurting anyone. I’ve been going over the attempts at suicide I’ve made in the past, and wonder if I just can’t follow through on anything. All the self harm and pushing people away are just half measures to the real solution. I’m lost and alone, 5 dollars to whoever wants a free pass to kill me.",aeroaca9,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8z0b/inability_to_be_better/,found one main issue keeping productive moving forward inability believe worried others perceive never able relax exist moment therapy medication depression none help better get better point kill want keep trying life boring wildest dream always lead ending alone way another die without hurting anyone going attempt suicide made past wonder follow anything self harm pushing people away half measure real solution lost alone 5 dollar whoever want free pas kill,inability better,aero aca 9,851,22,aero aca 9 found one main issue keeping productive moving forward inability believe worried others perceive never able relax exist moment therapy medication depression none help better get better point kill want keep trying life boring wildest dream always lead ending alone way another die without hurting anyone going attempt suicide made past wonder follow anything self harm pushing people away half measure real solution lost alone 5 dollar whoever want free pas kill inability better
What are things I should consider before killing myself?,"I think I'm going to kill myself some time within the next week, but I wanted to make sure I'm doing my due diligence before making any rash decisions. I've already fixed my diet, created a stable exercise routine, received therapy, reached out to my support group, and contacted the suicide hotline.

I'm not going to explain why I want to commit suicide, but I do want to ask what I should think of before choosing to make the ultimate decision. I'm not talking about, ""Think of how sad your mom will be!"" Rather, the idea that if I killed myself in my apartment, the police might accuse my roommate of murder, or if I were to jump off a building, someone would have to identify my mangled body.

Can anyone tell me what else I need to consider before killing myself?",TroyBehave,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe66k0/what_are_things_i_should_consider_before_killing/,think going kill time within next week wanted make sure due diligence making rash decision already fixed diet created stable exercise routine received therapy reached support group contacted suicide hotline going explain want commit suicide want ask think choosing make ultimate decision talking think sad mom rather idea killed apartment police might accuse roommate murder jump building someone would identify mangled body anyone tell else need consider killing,thing consider killing,troy behave,769,56,troy behave think going kill time within next week wanted make sure due diligence making rash decision already fixed diet created stable exercise routine received therapy reached support group contacted suicide hotline going explain want commit suicide want ask think choosing make ultimate decision talking think sad mom rather idea killed apartment police might accuse roommate murder jump building someone would identify mangled body anyone tell else need consider killing thing consider killing
Losing motivation..,"I've always struggled with depression, but I am at the lowest I've felt in a long time, I've pushed most of my friends and boyfriend away, family hardly talks to me. On top of it, my biggest stressor, I am drowning in debt, I am unable to find better employment, I live in a rural part of California without transportation, housing is scarce and expensive. My rent was just raised and I don't know how I am going to afford it.. I don't have family to turn to financially. My parents are well into their 70s, enjoying the end of their lives, and my brother is a drug dealer. On top of that my brother lives 5 hours away and my parents two states.. I survived a car accident in December of 2018. It left me carless and in a mountain of debt, on top of my other debts. The debt, the fact I can't seem to save or get ahead, I have no one to turn to, I am not really conventionally attractive either.. I just feel lost, depressed, numb, want the stress to go away, even for a moment. I miss my best friend (passed away just a few months ago, not sure if it was intentional or not but it was definitely an overdose, I was mad at him at the time and pushed him away and encouraged his binging.) The only thing still keeping me here is that I would feel guilty if my dog was left alone for days before my body could be found, and I don't want her to end up in the wrong hands.",dertbag_420,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe65tg/losing_motivation/,always struggled depression lowest felt long time pushed friend boyfriend away family hardly talk top biggest stressor drowning debt unable find better employment live rural part california without transportation housing scarce expensive rent wa raised know going afford family turn financially parent well 70 enjoying end life brother drug dealer top brother life 5 hour away parent two state survived car accident december 2018 left carless mountain debt top debt debt fact seem save get ahead one turn really conventionally attractive either feel lost depressed numb want stress go away even moment miss best friend passed away month ago sure wa intentional wa definitely overdose wa mad time pushed away encouraged binging thing still keeping would feel guilty dog wa left alone day body could found want end wrong hand,losing motivation,der bag 420,1368,19,der bag 420 always struggled depression lowest felt long time pushed friend boyfriend away family hardly talk top biggest stressor drowning debt unable find better employment live rural part california without transportation housing scarce expensive rent wa raised know going afford family turn financially parent well 70 enjoying end life brother drug dealer top brother life 5 hour away parent two state survived car accident december 2018 left carless mountain debt top debt debt fact seem save get ahead one turn really conventionally attractive either feel lost depressed numb want stress go away even moment miss best friend passed away month ago sure wa intentional wa definitely overdose wa mad time pushed away encouraged binging thing still keeping would feel guilty dog wa left alone day body could found want end wrong hand losing motivation
I don't know what's wrong with me.,"Let me start of by saying I'm not diagnosed, I haven't really experienced any traumatic incidents in my life and I have no intention of harming myself.

However, due to events in recent months, I feel so empty, like I don't give a fuck about doing anything. Even feeding myself has become something I try to avoid. I don't take care of my appearance, I do the minimal work I need to get by and I rarely socialize with the few friends I have.

These are part in part to a belief that has formed in my head: life is meaningless. What is the point of doing anything? We slave away through school, to get a place at university, then we slave away through uni to get a good degree, then we slave away in a job we will probably hate to make sure we don't end up on the streets. All this, all this pointless cycle and in the grand scheme if things, it makes no difference.

I think a lot of times to myself, if I were to disappear now, would anything be affected? Have I had any impact at all on the world? Will I even be remembered? The answers are always no. This has produced an emptiness inside me.

The emptiness leads to a lack of people, activities and more, which in turn leave me feeling lonely and unfulfilled respectively. Yet I again feel a lack of desire to do anything. I don't know what this is or why I think like this, but I would appreciate it if anyone could give me some sort of method or exercise to break this cycle.",throwaway22599172i,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe64pv/i_dont_know_whats_wrong_with_me/,let start saying diagnosed really experienced traumatic incident life intention harming however due event recent month feel empty like give fuck anything even feeding ha become something try avoid take care appearance minimal work need get rarely socialize friend part part belief ha formed head life meaningless point anything slave away school get place university slave away uni get good degree slave away job probably hate make sure end street pointless cycle grand scheme thing make difference think lot time disappear would anything affected impact world even remembered answer always ha produced emptiness inside emptiness lead lack people activity turn leave feeling lonely unfulfilled respectively yet feel lack desire anything know think like would appreciate anyone could give sort method exercise break cycle,know wrong,throwaway 22599172,1431,34,throwaway 22599172 let start saying diagnosed really experienced traumatic incident life intention harming however due event recent month feel empty like give fuck anything even feeding ha become something try avoid take care appearance minimal work need get rarely socialize friend part part belief ha formed head life meaningless point anything slave away school get place university slave away uni get good degree slave away job probably hate make sure end street pointless cycle grand scheme thing make difference think lot time disappear would anything affected impact world even remembered answer always ha produced emptiness inside emptiness lead lack people activity turn leave feeling lonely unfulfilled respectively yet feel lack desire anything know think like would appreciate anyone could give sort method exercise break cycle know wrong
"you know how you're depressed, but to help get out of it you need to do things, but you can't because you're depressed?","its so frustrating, it's like a vicious cycle. my psychiatrist wants me to start going outside more, library, going on walks, whatever. but I can't bring myself to do anything, because I don't wanna leave my fucking bed. you're depressed, you need to do things, you can't do things because you're depressed. then my psychiatrist is like ""I can't really help you if you don't help yourself"" I'm like what the fuck dude. HOW?? once we find a medication that pulls me out of this slump then we can talk about that, but christ lady. I do wonder if my psychiatrist has ever been depressed and knows what it's actually like to have your brain constantly working against you. I respect Healthcare professionals 100% but I feel like this is one of those things you need to experience to understand. just because some people have absurd willpower, and some people can get out of it themselves, doesn't mean everyone can. I don't think we should be baby'd but I feel like there's a lack of understanding even from my own doctor. and it sucks. I canceled previous appointments to see her for this exact reason.",marshmallowman_,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8vq8/you_know_how_youre_depressed_but_to_help_get_out/,frustrating like vicious cycle psychiatrist want start going outside library going walk whatever bring anything wanna leave fucking bed depressed need thing thing depressed psychiatrist like really help help like fuck dude find medication pull slump talk christ lady wonder psychiatrist ha ever depressed know actually like brain constantly working respect healthcare professional 100 feel like one thing need experience understand people absurd willpower people get mean everyone think baby feel like lack understanding even doctor suck canceled previous appointment see exact reason,know depressed help get need thing depressed,marshmallow man,1099,119,marshmallow man frustrating like vicious cycle psychiatrist want start going outside library going walk whatever bring anything wanna leave fucking bed depressed need thing thing depressed psychiatrist like really help help like fuck dude find medication pull slump talk christ lady wonder psychiatrist ha ever depressed know actually like brain constantly working respect healthcare professional 100 feel like one thing need experience understand people absurd willpower people get mean everyone think baby feel like lack understanding even doctor suck canceled previous appointment see exact reason know depressed help get need thing depressed
fuck my worthless life,i make this type of post like every 2 weeks but seriously fuck my fucking life man i hate having no independence or freedom im 17 not 7 and i know my “dreams” of having freedom arent even that unrealistic thats why im suicidal. just let me walk to fucking circle k you dumb cunt thats the least you can do FUCK. if running away wasn’t illegal i’d have done it years ago. im trapped in a house with a narcissistic asshole grandma and a grandpa who just sits there and takes it. i hate it here i fucking hate my whole family and myself and i promised myself i wouldn’t cut anymore but who gives a shit anymore at least it’ll give me something to do. why not sneak some of my grandpas pain pills while im at it. fuck,crackheadedbitch,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe63rf/fuck_my_worthless_life/,make type post like every 2 week seriously fuck fucking life man hate independence freedom im 17 7 know dream freedom arent even unrealistic thats im suicidal let walk fucking circle k dumb cunt thats least fuck running away illegal done year ago im trapped house narcissistic asshole grandma grandpa sits take hate fucking hate whole family promised cut anymore give shit anymore least give something sneak grandpa pain pill im fuck,fuck worthless life,crack headed bitch,713,22,crack headed bitch make type post like every 2 week seriously fuck fucking life man hate independence freedom im 17 7 know dream freedom arent even unrealistic thats im suicidal let walk fucking circle k dumb cunt thats least fuck running away illegal done year ago im trapped house narcissistic asshole grandma grandpa sits take hate fucking hate whole family promised cut anymore give shit anymore least give something sneak grandpa pain pill im fuck fuck worthless life
I started self harming two days ago,"I have fallen down further, when I thought I couldn't.  I hate myself.  I hate that this is the only way I feel alive - by cutting myself with a dull kitchen knife.  I hate this.  I feel a kind of rush after cutting that I'm not getting from any other part of life.  I hate this.  I feel like I have the resources needed to be happy, but just don't use them.  I just don't know anything anymore.  So many questions, all unanswered.",jotard-mp3,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4bjb/i_started_self_harming_two_days_ago/,fallen thought hate hate way feel alive cutting dull kitchen knife hate feel kind rush cutting getting part life hate feel like resource needed happy use know anything anymore many question unanswered,started self harming two day ago,jot ard mp 3,431,35,jot ard mp 3 fallen thought hate hate way feel alive cutting dull kitchen knife hate feel kind rush cutting getting part life hate feel like resource needed happy use know anything anymore many question unanswered started self harming two day ago
Work makes me so depressed,"I had to take a few months off work due to the season ending , also had pyschosis and other shit. I went back on Monday for training and it made me so depressed. I never fit in group convo's, I'm always so quiet, it's nearly impossible for me to care what these people talk about.  My God, what did I do to deserve this. Why cant I just be dead rn. The weeks before that I was improving but I'm spiralling downhill hard again",HypeToHype,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwanw/work_makes_me_so_depressed/,take month work due season ending also pyschosis shit went back monday training made depressed never fit group convo always quiet nearly impossible care people talk god deserve cant dead rn week wa improving spiralling downhill hard,work make depressed,hype hype,425,26,hype hype take month work due season ending also pyschosis shit went back monday training made depressed never fit group convo always quiet nearly impossible care people talk god deserve cant dead rn week wa improving spiralling downhill hard work make depressed
Feeling helpless and hopeless,"It's been a hard couple months. 

To break it down in a simpler manner; 
I'm a General Manager at a restaurant, working ~65 hours per week. My husband is 29 years old, diagnosed with Crohns about seven years ago. He has been unable to work for roughly 2 years. About a year and a half ago, he had a surgery that required removing roughly 6 feet of his intestines. Due to us not having health insurance until recently, hes been unable to do follow up appointments or get onto much needed medication to manage his disease. His Crohns is getting worse. We finally got him into the doctor's in January when we got health insurance. They've done several CT scans, and keep finding more and more abcesses developing in his intestines. He has another surgery scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday, but he had to go into the hospital again today, due to an abscess that is bulging out of his stomach. I have two puppies at home. With my husband being in the hospital, and myself working ridiculous hours, it puts a lot more on my plate than I have already with work. I feel like a narcissistic POS wife, because while my poor husband is in the hospital, I'm more worried about how much more stress has been put on me. 
I've been through a lot of trauma in my life. A physically abusive father growing up really messed with me, and I'm just now realizing the impact it's had on my every day life. I was in a 4 year relationship with a man who cheated on me the entire time we were together. He abused me physically, verbally and sexually. Manipulated me, and really mentally screwed me over. I was the one paying our bills (on $13 an hour) while he sat at home for 4 years doing absolutely nothing. 
I've been through a lot like I said. Most of these situations I have put myself in. 
I'm constantly tired, unmotivated, and angry. All the time. I've reached a point where I just want to give up. I feel like I'm in a neverending cycle of problems. I fix one thing, and three more bad things get thrown at me. I'm working my ass off every day, plus some, and I have nothing to show for it, since we are so far into medical sent that we are scrounging for money. I'm 25 years old and I feel like I'm 50. I've had several panic attacks over the past couple months, many if which have happened multiple times per day. Anytime I go to the doctor for my anxiety/depression/ADD, they throw whatever meds they can pull out of their ass at me, and tell me to come back a couple months later. I have tried several medications and none of them seem to do anything for me except zombify me. I've tried journaling, I have tried exercising regularly, i have tried everything i feel like!!! I dont know what else to do. My friends are no longer existant, and I dont have anyone to talk to. Figured I'd come to this sub and vent, because I really dont have anyone else.",audi-princess,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe62ms/feeling_helpless_and_hopeless/,hard couple month break simpler manner general manager restaurant working 65 hour per week husband 29 year old diagnosed crohn seven year ago ha unable work roughly 2 year year half ago surgery required removing roughly 6 foot intestine due u health insurance recently unable follow appointment get onto much needed medication manage disease crohn getting worse finally got doctor january got health insurance done several ct scan keep finding abcesses developing intestine ha another surgery scheduled upcoming tuesday go hospital today due abscess bulging stomach two puppy home husband hospital working ridiculous hour put lot plate already work feel like narcissistic po wife poor husband hospital worried much stress ha put lot trauma life physically abusive father growing really messed realizing impact every day life wa 4 year relationship man cheated entire time together abused physically verbally sexually manipulated really mentally screwed wa one paying bill 13 hour sat home 4 year absolutely nothing lot like said situation put constantly tired unmotivated angry time reached point want give feel like neverending cycle problem fix one thing three bad thing get thrown working every day plus nothing show since far medical sent scrounging money 25 year old feel like 50 several panic attack past couple month many happened multiple time per day anytime go doctor anxiety depression add throw whatever med pull tell come back couple month later tried several medication none seem anything except zombify tried journaling tried exercising regularly tried everything feel like dont know else friend longer existant dont anyone talk figured come sub vent really dont anyone else,feeling helpless hopeless,audi princess,2842,29,audi princess hard couple month break simpler manner general manager restaurant working 65 hour per week husband 29 year old diagnosed crohn seven year ago ha unable work roughly 2 year year half ago surgery required removing roughly 6 foot intestine due u health insurance recently unable follow appointment get onto much needed medication manage disease crohn getting worse finally got doctor january got health insurance done several ct scan keep finding abcesses developing intestine ha another surgery scheduled upcoming tuesday go hospital today due abscess bulging stomach two puppy home husband hospital working ridiculous hour put lot plate already work feel like narcissistic po wife poor husband hospital worried much stress ha put lot trauma life physically abusive father growing really messed realizing impact every day life wa 4 year relationship man cheated entire time together abused physically verbally sexually manipulated really mentally screwed wa one paying bill 13 hour sat home 4 year absolutely nothing lot like said situation put constantly tired unmotivated angry time reached point want give feel like neverending cycle problem fix one thing three bad thing get thrown working every day plus nothing show since far medical sent scrounging money 25 year old feel like 50 several panic attack past couple month many happened multiple time per day anytime go doctor anxiety depression add throw whatever med pull tell come back couple month later tried several medication none seem anything except zombify tried journaling tried exercising regularly tried everything feel like dont know else friend longer existant dont anyone talk figured come sub vent really dont anyone else feeling helpless hopeless
I'd like to hear how the world is still a good place,"I've been feeling incredibly lonely recently. My psychiatrist can't see me until next Friday (she isn't covered under my insurance).

TL;DR Tell me some kindness you've witnessed or received.

I have been unemployed since December and I was holding on until I got my tax refund so I could see my psychiatrist for new meds, fixing my car, anything until I can get another job. Then the government took it all for student loans.

I used all my energy and grit to get here, only to be still stranded and lower than ever. I don't talk to my friends anymore about it because they just think being strong is the key and that I will be fine. I don't feel fine. I used everything up and now I am here, jobless, broke, and not even caring to take care of myself anymore. What's the point, you know?

I would like to hear some kindnesses you've witnessed. I've given up thinking anything good will happen to me (after three years of being kicked in the teeth every three weeks) but I want to hear how the world is still a good place.",yukinakid,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2wq6/id_like_to_hear_how_the_world_is_still_a_good/,feeling incredibly lonely recently psychiatrist see next friday covered insurance tl dr tell kindness witnessed received unemployed since december wa holding got tax refund could see psychiatrist new med fixing car anything get another job government took student loan used energy grit get still stranded lower ever talk friend anymore think strong key fine feel fine used everything jobless broke even caring take care anymore point know would like hear kindness witnessed given thinking anything good happen three year kicked teeth every three week want hear world still good place,like hear world still good place,yuk kid,1023,52,yuk kid feeling incredibly lonely recently psychiatrist see next friday covered insurance tl dr tell kindness witnessed received unemployed since december wa holding got tax refund could see psychiatrist new med fixing car anything get another job government took student loan used energy grit get still stranded lower ever talk friend anymore think strong key fine feel fine used everything jobless broke even caring take care anymore point know would like hear kindness witnessed given thinking anything good happen three year kicked teeth every three week want hear world still good place like hear world still good place
Vacations,"I just got back from a week long stay on the big island of Hawaii. I had some of the coolest experiences from seeing a shark while snorkeling, to being right next to feeding manta rays. It was an amazing trip and I loved it so much. 

But the problem I have is that whenever I have gone on vacations, even when I was young, I would cry and be horribly depressed for the next few days to a week or two. I hate going on vacations because I know that I’m going to feel like shit after. Nothing feels right when I come home and I just want to be spending “one more day” out away from real life. I hate it because I know that I will have to go back to work and that I won’t get another vacation like this for a very long time. I hate that I can’t explain how I’m feeling to my wife because she’s lucky enough not to have to experience depression except from a third person perspective. 

I so badly want to still be out on Hawaii, or anywhere I’ve gone on vacation to, because out there, I don’t have to care about work; I don’t have to care about school, bills, or family drama. I can just be. I don’t want to have to go back to work and school on Monday, but I know I have to or else things will be worse in the long run. I hate that I’m feeling like I shouldn’t have gone to Hawaii in the first place. 

I loved spending all that time with my wife and enjoying that week together. I loved seeing things that I never have before and being somewhere that I haven’t been. I loved having that time to do whatever I wanted and not feeling badly that I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to. I loved the anticipation and excitement leading up to the day we left. 

I think that’s from where a lot of my depression stems: building up the anticipation, then it’s here and it’s so great, but then it’s gone sooner than it arrived, and you go back to anticipating nothing. 

I feel like life is mostly boring, dull, and no one really wants to admit that, so when you get a few days to enjoy yourself, after, it feels like the nothingness deepens and you sink further into it. 

I don’t know if this made any sense or if anyone is going to read this, but I really just want to stop crying and go to bed.",Papyrus_Sans,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8u6h/vacations/,got back week long stay big island hawaii coolest experience seeing shark snorkeling right next feeding manta ray wa amazing trip loved much problem whenever gone vacation even wa young would cry horribly depressed next day week two hate going vacation know going feel like shit nothing feel right come home want spending one day away real life hate know go back work get another vacation like long time hate explain feeling wife lucky enough experience depression except third person perspective badly want still hawaii anywhere gone vacation care work care school bill family drama want go back work school monday know else thing worse long run hate feeling like gone hawaii first place loved spending time wife enjoying week together loved seeing thing never somewhere loved time whatever wanted feeling badly anything want loved anticipation excitement leading day left think lot depression stem building anticipation great gone sooner arrived go back anticipating nothing feel like life mostly boring dull one really want admit get day enjoy feel like nothingness deepens sink know made sense anyone going read really want stop cry go bed,vacation,papyrus sans,2188,9,papyrus sans got back week long stay big island hawaii coolest experience seeing shark snorkeling right next feeding manta ray wa amazing trip loved much problem whenever gone vacation even wa young would cry horribly depressed next day week two hate going vacation know going feel like shit nothing feel right come home want spending one day away real life hate know go back work get another vacation like long time hate explain feeling wife lucky enough experience depression except third person perspective badly want still hawaii anywhere gone vacation care work care school bill family drama want go back work school monday know else thing worse long run hate feeling like gone hawaii first place loved spending time wife enjoying week together loved seeing thing never somewhere loved time whatever wanted feeling badly anything want loved anticipation excitement leading day left think lot depression stem building anticipation great gone sooner arrived go back anticipating nothing feel like life mostly boring dull one really want admit get day enjoy feel like nothingness deepens sink know made sense anyone going read really want stop cry go bed vacation
I'm putting down my dog in a couple of days,"I can't bear to fucking do it. But there's no choice. She has a carcinoma, and the vet told us that chemotherapy is also an option, but there is no certainty that she will be cured, so this is our only option. 

I've never felt so empty and overwhelmed with anxiety at the same time. I can't even bring myself to see her. It breaks me inside. 

I just want her to have peace, but I don't want to let her go. It's horrible to see how a such a being with a noble heart has to endure this shit. I'm gonna miss my big girl so much. 

Any support is appreciated.",Wallas10,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1r8v/im_putting_down_my_dog_in_a_couple_of_days/,bear fucking choice ha carcinoma vet told u chemotherapy also option certainty cured option never felt empty overwhelmed anxiety time even bring see break inside want peace want let go horrible see noble heart ha endure shit gonna miss big girl much support appreciated,putting dog couple day,wall 10,557,43,wall 10 bear fucking choice ha carcinoma vet told u chemotherapy also option certainty cured option never felt empty overwhelmed anxiety time even bring see break inside want peace want let go horrible see noble heart ha endure shit gonna miss big girl much support appreciated putting dog couple day
Full blown panic attack,I’m having one atm I can’t sobbing five minutes now please help,Maybestressed,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2tpi/full_blown_panic_attack/,one atm sobbing five minute please help,full blown panic attack,maybe stressed,63,23,maybe stressed one atm sobbing five minute please help full blown panic attack
Help- a four letter word,"So depression sucks, it really does. The internal fighting of oneself, I’m just wanting it to stop. I’m not suicidal (this time) but other times it gets the better of me. This is the most candid I’ve ever been. I use to type long monologues into the google search bar of how I would like life to end, that would be the closest I come to speaking about my internal sadness. I would delete it along with my search history as I would hate for someone to view it and be concerned. This is a “throwaway” account I guess, but my reason for posting is not to say I’m sick and about to end it, but I’m hoping there are ways to help it. I can’t do this ‘train your brain’ crap or self help books. I’ve had numerous meds but lose sense of who I am. Is there a physical therapy, shock, sleep etc etc that can jolt you out of this mental rut?  I have my vision on psychedelic therapies, those look promising.

Any other possible helps?",realcuriousabout,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5zdy/help_a_four_letter_word/,depression suck really doe internal fighting oneself wanting stop suicidal time time get better candid ever use type long monologue google search bar would like life end would closest come speaking internal sadness would delete along search history would hate someone view concerned throwaway account guess reason posting say sick end hoping way help train brain crap self help book numerous med lose sense physical therapy shock sleep etc etc jolt mental rut vision psychedelic therapy look promising possible help,help four letter word,real curious,923,24,real curious depression suck really doe internal fighting oneself wanting stop suicidal time time get better candid ever use type long monologue google search bar would like life end would closest come speaking internal sadness would delete along search history would hate someone view concerned throwaway account guess reason posting say sick end hoping way help train brain crap self help book numerous med lose sense physical therapy shock sleep etc etc jolt mental rut vision psychedelic therapy look promising possible help help four letter word
SSRI Question,After finding a SSRI medication that works for you does your anxiety and/or depression come and go and if so how regularly?,Mim_o_Sa,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2ral/ssri_question/,finding ssri medication work doe anxiety depression come go regularly,ssri question,mim,123,13,mim finding ssri medication work doe anxiety depression come go regularly ssri question
help please," i dont even know where to start, i am 14 and have struggeled with suicidal thoughts for a few years and recently it has gotten way worse and life has just been crap, the first trash that has happened is school, everyone i know says im so smart and should easily get good grades but i got behind on some of my schoolwork at the beggining of the year and now it snowballed up to here(i have all f's and d's in school now) and i cant fix where it is at now because its soo much, then 2 of my 3 aunts and my uncle all disowned and left the family. The girl i have liked since we met 3 years ago likes, and is in a relationship with one of my best and oldest friends i think they were togeather for about a year, then she ditched everyone she knows. so a while ago when my parents thought i was caught up with school they looked at my grades and discovered that i had horrible grades and as they were digging into me i told them i was suicidal and then the talk to me how i need to stay for them and shouldnt want to die. so they sign my up for a therapist wich i talk to twice which after that they stop taking me and just canceled and there are a few hobbies that bring my joy now and they are Piano, filmmaking, prop making, lightsaber fighting, costume making and cosplay, and video games. and so far my piano broke so i cant play that, they didnt sign me up for another semester of filmmaking cus they were too lazy, prop making is becoming un enjoyable, both of my 2 sabers broke, costume making is becoming to frustriating and hard, they say im too old for costumes and that i need to grow up and video games just arent enjoyable anymore. and as im typing this my parents think i got my grades back up to like b-'s and i didnt and now they want to check my grades just to see how im doing (they are still horrible) and i just want to die at this point, i feel like i have nothing left. i dont know what to do. and i know there are people who have it worse than me and are happy and i may just like an overprivlaged child going through a phase, but i dont really see any way out what do i do now.",Gonk_Droid_Sith,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe44n2/help_please/,dont even know start 14 struggeled suicidal thought year recently ha gotten way worse life ha crap first trash ha happened school everyone know say im smart easily get good grade got behind schoolwork beggining year snowballed f school cant fix soo much 2 3 aunt uncle disowned left family girl liked since met 3 year ago like relationship one best oldest friend think togeather year ditched everyone know ago parent thought wa caught school looked grade discovered horrible grade digging told wa suicidal talk need stay shouldnt want die sign therapist wich talk twice stop taking canceled hobby bring joy piano filmmaking prop making lightsaber fighting costume making cosplay video game far piano broke cant play didnt sign another semester filmmaking cu lazy prop making becoming un enjoyable 2 saber broke costume making becoming frustriating hard say im old costume need grow video game arent enjoyable anymore im typing parent think got grade back like b didnt want check grade see im still horrible want die point feel like nothing left dont know know people worse happy may like overprivlaged child going phase dont really see way,help please,go nk droid sith,2098,11,go nk droid sith dont even know start 14 struggeled suicidal thought year recently ha gotten way worse life ha crap first trash ha happened school everyone know say im smart easily get good grade got behind schoolwork beggining year snowballed f school cant fix soo much 2 3 aunt uncle disowned left family girl liked since met 3 year ago like relationship one best oldest friend think togeather year ditched everyone know ago parent thought wa caught school looked grade discovered horrible grade digging told wa suicidal talk need stay shouldnt want die sign therapist wich talk twice stop taking canceled hobby bring joy piano filmmaking prop making lightsaber fighting costume making cosplay video game far piano broke cant play didnt sign another semester filmmaking cu lazy prop making becoming un enjoyable 2 saber broke costume making becoming frustriating hard say im old costume need grow video game arent enjoyable anymore im typing parent think got grade back like b didnt want check grade see im still horrible want die point feel like nothing left dont know know people worse happy may like overprivlaged child going phase dont really see way help please
Feeling lonely and isolated,"Ok so I suffer with seasonal depression, and this winter has been significantly worse than last. Last winter I was around friends, and family. I was at home. This year I'm in a new city. I moved last summer for university, to try and get away from what/who I once was. I have met some amazing people here, but nobody seems to have any time to care for me. 

Heres a quick rundown of my 2020 so far:
I got a shoulder injury, had time out of the gym, was unable to compete because I was too weak. 
My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I split up. 
I developed a drug addiction to cope with the pain. 
I've hated my body more than ever and have lost all appetite and stopped eating. 
Sex drive has plummeted. 
Started hooking up with a girl but couldnt maintain an erection- realised I was using her for hugs and kisses to numb the feeling of loneliness.

I want to go to a doctor but my brain keeps telling me I'm feeling sorry for myself and this is all for attention. I even feel like this writing this post. 

I hate myself and genuinely don't want to die but I can't see any other options. I just want someone to love me",b_i_g-throwaway,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2ow1/feeling_lonely_and_isolated/,ok suffer seasonal depression winter ha significantly worse last last winter wa around friend family wa home year new city moved last summer university try get away wa met amazing people nobody seems time care quick rundown 2020 far got shoulder injury time gym wa unable compete wa weak girlfriend 2 5 year split developed drug addiction cope pain hated body ever lost appetite stopped eating sex drive ha plummeted started hooking girl couldnt maintain erection realised wa using hug kiss numb feeling loneliness want go doctor brain keep telling feeling sorry attention even feel like writing post hate genuinely want die see option want someone love,feeling lonely isolated,b g throwaway,1116,27,b g throwaway ok suffer seasonal depression winter ha significantly worse last last winter wa around friend family wa home year new city moved last summer university try get away wa met amazing people nobody seems time care quick rundown 2020 far got shoulder injury time gym wa unable compete wa weak girlfriend 2 5 year split developed drug addiction cope pain hated body ever lost appetite stopped eating sex drive ha plummeted started hooking girl couldnt maintain erection realised wa using hug kiss numb feeling loneliness want go doctor brain keep telling feeling sorry attention even feel like writing post hate genuinely want die see option want someone love feeling lonely isolated
Pure loneliness,"I’ve been depressed for at least 6 years and I truly feel like I’m alone. I’ve always had unique traits and or opinions that people would give me crap for. I always try to find a balance in situations but no matter which side I pick I make enemies who will hurt me mentally. I’m just surprised I’ve gone this far in life and I’ll be honest, I don’t know how much more longer I can take it.",10voltsam,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5vlh/pure_loneliness/,depressed least 6 year truly feel like alone always unique trait opinion people would give crap always try find balance situation matter side pick make enemy hurt mentally surprised gone far life honest know much longer take,pure loneliness,10 volt,389,15,10 volt depressed least 6 year truly feel like alone always unique trait opinion people would give crap always try find balance situation matter side pick make enemy hurt mentally surprised gone far life honest know much longer take pure loneliness
I wish I played a team sport even if I wouldn’t be any good at it.,"The ecstasy of winning. The pain of losing. Knowing that your teammates have your back. Trying your best so you won’t let people down. Not being lonely because you have someone you can rely on seems so nice. I’ll go to as many training sections that I have to. Go for a beer with the team. The trash talk. 

I went through middle school, high school and college without playing any sports. I wish my parents forced me into it or that I force myself. But now I’m 24. I can’t run 2 minutes without being out of breath. I’m unhealthy. I snore like a pig.",purple1437,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5vb8/i_wish_i_played_a_team_sport_even_if_i_wouldnt_be/,ecstasy winning pain losing knowing teammate back trying best let people lonely someone rely seems nice go many training section go beer team trash talk went middle school high school college without playing sport wish parent forced force 24 run 2 minute without breath unhealthy snore like pig,wish played team sport even good,purple 1437,551,66,purple 1437 ecstasy winning pain losing knowing teammate back trying best let people lonely someone rely seems nice go many training section go beer team trash talk went middle school high school college without playing sport wish parent forced force 24 run 2 minute without breath unhealthy snore like pig wish played team sport even good
I just want to die,"Nobody actually likes me, not a single person I know values me and has interest in me as a friend or a best friend , I just suck and I'm so easily replaced, I don't want to live anymore feeling this empty",Emsaic,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0jv0/i_just_want_to_die/,nobody actually like single person know value ha interest friend best friend suck easily replaced want live anymore feeling empty,want die,em ic,204,18,em ic nobody actually like single person know value ha interest friend best friend suck easily replaced want live anymore feeling empty want die
I wore short sleeves to work today,"I started my job a couple months ago. I have worn a sweater over my work shirt or long sleeves with it to cover my scars. I know that I shouldn't be ashamed of them, but I often feel that way. However, today I decided to say fuck it and just wear short sleeves. I was uncomfortable and didn't want anyone to notice, but I'm still glad I did it.",noellenaboo,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5u51/i_wore_short_sleeves_to_work_today/,started job couple month ago worn sweater work shirt long sleeve cover scar know ashamed often feel way however today decided say fuck wear short sleeve wa uncomfortable want anyone notice still glad,wore short sleeve work today,elle naboo,344,34,elle naboo started job couple month ago worn sweater work shirt long sleeve cover scar know ashamed often feel way however today decided say fuck wear short sleeve wa uncomfortable want anyone notice still glad wore short sleeve work today
I don't know anymore,I'm pretty sure I'm depressed but my parents don't believe in mental health and I'm too afraid to like go to a school counselor cuz my parents will ground me for just wanting attention or something. I wanna get better but I don't think I can without help of some sort. people say that meds suck and therapists suck and stuff but I feel like anything Is better than how I feel. I feel I need help but I don't know how to get it,joobstoob57,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8m5s/i_dont_know_anymore/,pretty sure depressed parent believe mental health afraid like go school counselor cuz parent ground wanting attention something wanna get better think without help sort people say med suck therapist suck stuff feel like anything better feel feel need help know get,know anymore,joo b b 57,426,20,joo b b 57 pretty sure depressed parent believe mental health afraid like go school counselor cuz parent ground wanting attention something wanna get better think without help sort people say med suck therapist suck stuff feel like anything better feel feel need help know get know anymore
Slept until 2 p.m. today,"I guess you could say it's to the point where it's affecting my attendance at work. So far I have the days off but I'm about to run out. 

Has anyone ever been treated for fatigue and it helped their depression? Maybe the fatigue is what causes the depression?",mayin_hora,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2kvz/slept_until_2_pm_today/,guess could say point affecting attendance work far day run ha anyone ever treated fatigue helped depression maybe fatigue cause depression,slept 2 p today,may hora,260,24,may hora guess could say point affecting attendance work far day run ha anyone ever treated fatigue helped depression maybe fatigue cause depression slept 2 p today
What do I do?,"I'm freaking out. I feel so empty and worthless and depressed. I don't have insurance so I called the er to see how much it would cost. They told me to call some office between 8-5 on the weekdays to find out, so idk.

I dont wanna hear call the helpline, because I've called several and no one gives a shit and they really dont help.

I'm looking to just getting drunk enough to the point where killing myself wont be so scary to do.

I'm really fucking lost. I'm fucking done.",SuckMyBoner19,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5rj3/what_do_i_do/,freaking feel empty worthless depressed insurance called er see much would cost told call office 8 5 weekday find idk dont wanna hear call helpline called several one give shit really dont help looking getting drunk enough point killing wont scary really fucking lost fucking done,,suck boner 19,478,13,suck boner 19 freaking feel empty worthless depressed insurance called er see much would cost told call office 8 5 weekday find idk dont wanna hear call helpline called several one give shit really dont help looking getting drunk enough point killing wont scary really fucking lost fucking done 
Why even bother? Honestly,"I literally feel like I'm just waiting to die. I don't see any hope for myself or the future. I've given up on the basic things that most people would say makes life worth living like meaningful relationships, stability, hobbies, and quite frankly, just living. Nothing has any meaning for me any more. I'm just on repeat until the day comes when my body decides it's done trying to keep itself alive. I'm only living so other people don't feel bad about me when I'm gone. What a shitty way to spend the rest of my existence",EyesToTheSkies,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5pp9/why_even_bother_honestly/,literally feel like waiting die see hope future given basic thing people would say make life worth living like meaningful relationship stability hobby quite frankly living nothing ha meaning repeat day come body decides done trying keep alive living people feel bad gone shitty way spend rest existence,even bother honestly,eye sky,524,25,eye sky literally feel like waiting die see hope future given basic thing people would say make life worth living like meaningful relationship stability hobby quite frankly living nothing ha meaning repeat day come body decides done trying keep alive living people feel bad gone shitty way spend rest existence even bother honestly
It seems life keeps pulling a prank on me,"It’s only freshman year and already I’ve been bullied, cut from every team I’ve tried out for, my grades are slowly falling, my homecoming date literally ditched me for another guy, and I’m being made fun of dating because she’s only a year younger than me. Why must people so terrible.",Swathedwilf,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3umx/it_seems_life_keeps_pulling_a_prank_on_me/,freshman year already bullied cut every team tried grade slowly falling homecoming date literally ditched another guy made fun dating year younger must people terrible,seems life keep pulling prank,swathed wil f,286,41,swathed wil f freshman year already bullied cut every team tried grade slowly falling homecoming date literally ditched another guy made fun dating year younger must people terrible seems life keep pulling prank
death,"I just can’t stop thinking about it, it’s constant, it’s all i think about. Before i sleep, when i wake up, and whenever my minds not totally occupied. Sometimes i contemplate suicide: the action then followed by thoughts of an afterlife, if there’s even one. I can never stop obsessing over it and normally i’m the one giving advice such as life and so forth, but recently i’ve been actually contemplating “what happens when we’re all dead?” and that just keeps me up and thinking every moment. This is made worse by people telling me “don’t worry it’ll all be okay” or “just live life to the fullest” something cheesy and dumb. Quite honestly, if life is as pointless as i think and as it seems, aren’t we just better off dead? To live is to suffer, pain after pain, at what gain? The humiliation and satisfaction of nothing short of a horrible life. The experiences all meaning nothing once we’re gone, and yet we’re all still here? Why? Just why? If there was any way out i think sometimes cutting it short would be the only. I just can’t see wading thru this torture we call life as an option.",Mr-Griffith-,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8i7i/death/,stop thinking constant think sleep wake whenever mind totally occupied sometimes contemplate suicide action followed thought afterlife even one never stop obsessing normally one giving advice life forth recently actually contemplating happens dead keep thinking every moment made worse people telling worry okay live life fullest something cheesy dumb quite honestly life pointless think seems better dead live suffer pain pain gain humiliation satisfaction nothing short horrible life experience meaning nothing gone yet still wa way think sometimes cutting short would see wading thru torture call life option,death,mr griffith,1098,5,mr griffith stop thinking constant think sleep wake whenever mind totally occupied sometimes contemplate suicide action followed thought afterlife even one never stop obsessing normally one giving advice life forth recently actually contemplating happens dead keep thinking every moment made worse people telling worry okay live life fullest something cheesy dumb quite honestly life pointless think seems better dead live suffer pain pain gain humiliation satisfaction nothing short horrible life experience meaning nothing gone yet still wa way think sometimes cutting short would see wading thru torture call life option death
I’m gonna be okay,"I probably won’t, but tonight I just gotta tell myself that. At least until sunrise",Throwaway937471919,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpn3n/im_gonna_be_okay/,probably tonight gotta tell least sunrise,gonna okay,throwaway 937471919,83,17,throwaway 937471919 probably tonight gotta tell least sunrise gonna okay
Life is moving on too fast,"I feel like everything is just moving too fast, I’m about to graduate from high school and become a freshman in college. I lost a lot of friends and I just don’t care anymore. Everything is moving on so fast and it’s hard for me to take it in all at once. Friends coming and going like seasons. College applications, work, job it’s just hard. I barely talk to any of my friends anymore and I’ve lost interest in many hobbies I once enjoyed like basketball, gaming, etc. does anyone else feel like this?",Name612019,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8gr3/life_is_moving_on_too_fast/,feel like everything moving fast graduate high school become freshman college lost lot friend care anymore everything moving fast hard take friend coming going like season college application work job hard barely talk friend anymore lost interest many hobby enjoyed like basketball gaming etc doe anyone else feel like,life moving fast,name 612019,502,26,name 612019 feel like everything moving fast graduate high school become freshman college lost lot friend care anymore everything moving fast hard take friend coming going like season college application work job hard barely talk friend anymore lost interest many hobby enjoyed like basketball gaming etc doe anyone else feel like life moving fast
Depression and concentration,"I have been so paralyzed with depression that I often cannot do basic tasks for myself. I just want to stay in bed all day and stay in my pajamas. Even dressing myself is hard and my partner has to help me sometimes.

Lately in therapy I have been learning about how depression impacts the brain. I have been learning about how it impacts concentration and memory. Well, I experienced that completely yesterday. 

Yesterday I took a shower. It was my first shower in a few days. I was dreading it because it seems so hard now. I know it sounds stupid but it just freaking is. Anyway, I was going through the motions but felt so out of it. I completely forgot to wash my hair. WTF? I have been showering myself for the past 25 years and I just forget?

Ergg >=O",marsupial65,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5lue/depression_and_concentration/,paralyzed depression often cannot basic task want stay bed day stay pajama even dressing hard partner ha help sometimes lately therapy learning depression impact brain learning impact concentration memory well experienced completely yesterday yesterday took shower wa first shower day wa dreading seems hard know sound stupid freaking anyway wa going motion felt completely forgot wash hair wtf showering past 25 year forget ergg gt,depression concentration,marsupial 65,763,28,marsupial 65 paralyzed depression often cannot basic task want stay bed day stay pajama even dressing hard partner ha help sometimes lately therapy learning depression impact brain learning impact concentration memory well experienced completely yesterday yesterday took shower wa first shower day wa dreading seems hard know sound stupid freaking anyway wa going motion felt completely forgot wash hair wtf showering past 25 year forget ergg gt depression concentration
Lol!,All my friends and family are so confused by my increasingly poor life decisions lately and I never have a good excuse. What am I supposed to tell them? That I’m so upset that it feels impossible to prioritize even the most important tasks. That I feel so lost that I don’t give a fuck about the future consequences because of how much pain I’m in now? And why I don’t bother telling anyone? Why I just keep it to myself and don’t even want to use the word depression to describe myself? Because I honestly feel like a little entitled bitch trying to use mental health as an excuse for being lazy but I truthfully have not been content with anything in my life for the past 3 years and it feels like there’s no escape from my mind. I’ve fantasized my suicide several times a day everyday for the last few months even though I have no plans of doing so. It gives me disturbing comfort. It makes me feel justified for making such a mess of my life. I once truly considered myself depressed. But now I don’t consider myself depressed I don’t think. There is no longer a root to my problems. I feel utterly broken.,zalcred,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8gh1/lol/,friend family confused increasingly poor life decision lately never good excuse supposed tell upset feel impossible prioritize even important task feel lost give fuck future consequence much pain bother telling anyone keep even want use word depression describe honestly feel like little entitled bitch trying use mental health excuse lazy truthfully content anything life past 3 year feel like escape mind fantasized suicide several time day everyday last month even though plan give disturbing comfort make feel justified making mess life truly considered depressed consider depressed think longer root problem feel utterly broken,lol,zal c red,1110,4,zal c red friend family confused increasingly poor life decision lately never good excuse supposed tell upset feel impossible prioritize even important task feel lost give fuck future consequence much pain bother telling anyone keep even want use word depression describe honestly feel like little entitled bitch trying use mental health excuse lazy truthfully content anything life past 3 year feel like escape mind fantasized suicide several time day everyday last month even though plan give disturbing comfort make feel justified making mess life truly considered depressed consider depressed think longer root problem feel utterly broken lol
Why does it have to be this way?,"Me: \*exists\*

Depression: Hey, be sad rn.

Me: Nah, I'm good.

Depression: Well too bad, cuz you are now.

Me: Ah shit, you're right.",Samuel-111,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe16z2/why_does_it_have_to_be_this_way/,exists depression hey sad rn nah good depression well bad cuz ah shit right,doe way,samuel 111,135,32,samuel 111 exists depression hey sad rn nah good depression well bad cuz ah shit right doe way
Is it okay to just accept your depression and move on with life?,"I’ve kind of resigned myself to the fact that I’m never going to be comfortable and satisfied with who I am because of how other people view me. My solutions to this are to just close myself off from people in general and accept my depression. Is accepting your depression bad? I’ve tried therapy and drugs, they didn’t work and I’ve found that I prefer myself unmedicated anyway. I’ve just accepted it as part of me, it’s who I am. I’ve tried to change my outlook but it only works for a short period of time then I revert back to my previous dark mindset.",LilVigilante,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8g0z/is_it_okay_to_just_accept_your_depression_and/,kind resigned fact never going comfortable satisfied people view solution close people general accept depression accepting depression bad tried therapy drug work found prefer unmedicated anyway accepted part tried change outlook work short period time revert back previous dark mindset,okay accept depression move life,lil vigilante,557,64,lil vigilante kind resigned fact never going comfortable satisfied people view solution close people general accept depression accepting depression bad tried therapy drug work found prefer unmedicated anyway accepted part tried change outlook work short period time revert back previous dark mindset okay accept depression move life
Listless me,All I ever want to do nowadays is just sleep yet it would seem that I am a failure at even that,_chemo_therapy_,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8ey1/listless_me/,ever want nowadays sleep yet would seem failure even,listless,che mo therapy,95,11,che mo therapy ever want nowadays sleep yet would seem failure even listless
Anhedonia is driving me crazy. My brain feels like it's rotting.,"Fuck anhedonia. I'm tired of people telling me to fake it til I make it; I'm tired of people giving me suggestions that work for a neurotypical person but not for someone with anhedonia. Nothing is interesting, nothing brings any pleasure or joy. It legitimately feels like my brain is rotting. Every second that I'm alive feels like absolute hell.


I've dealt with this shit for too long. I'm tired of it. For years I've felt like I'm already dead. I really wish I could just die already.",honeybee_hive,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3qbn/anhedonia_is_driving_me_crazy_my_brain_feels_like/,fuck anhedonia tired people telling fake til make tired people giving suggestion work neurotypical person someone anhedonia nothing interesting nothing brings pleasure joy legitimately feel like brain rotting every second alive feel like absolute hell dealt shit long tired year felt like already dead really wish could die already,anhedonia driving crazy brain feel like rotting,honeybee hive,490,64,honeybee hive fuck anhedonia tired people telling fake til make tired people giving suggestion work neurotypical person someone anhedonia nothing interesting nothing brings pleasure joy legitimately feel like brain rotting every second alive feel like absolute hell dealt shit long tired year felt like already dead really wish could die already anhedonia driving crazy brain feel like rotting
I don’t know what to write here,"I’m 22. I’ve dealt with depression since Highschool, and I thought I got better for...I was doing great, went to college, got a job...But recently my anxiety has gotten really bad again...I dated this girl for a little over a year, then I felt myself slipping back into that depression (it was a long distance relationship, I’m in Cali, and she’s back home across the country) anyway...I started getting bored I guess with the relationship because it was just like being in a relationship with facetime...We would try to meet up every now and then...But maybe saw each other about 3 to 4 times a year, and the distance just got in the way, and we decided mutually to sorta break it off. We would still FaceTime everyday, we’d pick a movie to watch together and it was just like we were dating still, but I couldn’t tell her I love her anymore. And that’s when my depression started coming back...Well, fast forward a few months, it’s Christmas I’m home, and she spends my whole first day with me and my family. We wound up sleeping together that night, then the next day she has to leave because she has a job in a different state...We talked about what had happened, and she said it didn’t mean anything. And I thought we were going to get back together again. But that never happened. Now, more recently...She started telling me about this other guy she’s dating, and I try to be supportive she’s moving on, so why can’t I? All I can think about is them together, and him making her happier than me, like I wasn’t good enough for her, but if she’s happy with another guy then why do I want her to be unhappy with me? And I just keep having this one thought of them sleeping together. And that won’t get out of my mind. It’s all I think about every time she tells me they’re hanging out. The thoughts don’t stop, so I drink, and when I drink I cut, and I don’t wanna cut anymore so I stopped drinking, and started scratching my fingers to the point it bleeds and scabs over, and it’s only when I get panic attacks, but I get panic attacks every time I think about her, because when I think about her I think about him, and when I do that I see them “together” and what if he’s better than? This is dumb I know because we broke up, but she’ll still call me when she gets off work, or answer when I call her, but she just tells me about the guy, or she could just be talking about anything...But I just see them, and we hang up, and I want to cut, but I don’t. I haven’t cut in about two weeks now, and it’s hard to get over her. Everyone has the one they let get away, and that was mine, and now I just regret not being there for her enough, I don’t know what else I could’ve done though, I only get so much vacation days, and I’m sorta broke all the time...And I want to do something for her but I can’t I just feel so alone and worthless all the time. I keep obsessing over the two of them together, and I just trigger my own panic attacks and I hate this. I wouldn’t actually commit suicide, but the thoughts have started surfacing again...And I know it’s not that I want to die, I just want not to feel this way, and I know it’ll happen in time, but these past few weeks I’ve stopped eating, I’ve stopped sleeping, I just have trouble focusing on things I’m smoking waaay more than I normally do, and I just need help. I can’t get obsessing over this. 



Sorry this is so long, I just don’t really have anyone to talk to, and figured I’d just vent everything in front of strangers",Hpavon97,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8dyc/i_dont_know_what_to_write_here/,22 dealt depression since highschool thought got better wa great went college got job recently anxiety ha gotten really bad dated girl little year felt slipping back depression wa long distance relationship cali back home across country anyway started getting bored guess relationship wa like relationship facetime would try meet every maybe saw 3 4 time year distance got way decided mutually sorta break would still facetime everyday pick movie watch together wa like dating still tell love anymore depression started coming back well fast forward month christmas home spends whole first day family wound sleeping together night next day ha leave ha job different state talked happened said mean anything thought going get back together never happened recently started telling guy dating try supportive moving think together making happier like good enough happy another guy want unhappy keep one thought sleeping together get mind think every time tell hanging thought stop drink drink cut wanna cut anymore stopped drinking started scratching finger point bleeds scab get panic attack get panic attack every time think think think see together better dumb know broke still call get work answer call tell guy could talking anything see hang want cut cut two week hard get everyone ha one let get away wa mine regret enough know else could done though get much vacation day sorta broke time want something feel alone worthless time keep obsessing two together trigger panic attack hate actually commit suicide thought started surfacing know want die want feel way know happen time past week stopped eating stopped sleeping trouble focusing thing smoking waaay normally need help get obsessing sorry long really anyone talk figured vent everything front stranger,know write,hpa von 97,3485,31,hpa von 97 22 dealt depression since highschool thought got better wa great went college got job recently anxiety ha gotten really bad dated girl little year felt slipping back depression wa long distance relationship cali back home across country anyway started getting bored guess relationship wa like relationship facetime would try meet every maybe saw 3 4 time year distance got way decided mutually sorta break would still facetime everyday pick movie watch together wa like dating still tell love anymore depression started coming back well fast forward month christmas home spends whole first day family wound sleeping together night next day ha leave ha job different state talked happened said mean anything thought going get back together never happened recently started telling guy dating try supportive moving think together making happier like good enough happy another guy want unhappy keep one thought sleeping together get mind think every time tell hanging thought stop drink drink cut wanna cut anymore stopped drinking started scratching finger point bleeds scab get panic attack get panic attack every time think think think see together better dumb know broke still call get work answer call tell guy could talking anything see hang want cut cut two week hard get everyone ha one let get away wa mine regret enough know else could done though get much vacation day sorta broke time want something feel alone worthless time keep obsessing two together trigger panic attack hate actually commit suicide thought started surfacing know want die want feel way know happen time past week stopped eating stopped sleeping trouble focusing thing smoking waaay normally need help get obsessing sorry long really anyone talk figured vent everything front stranger know write
Is it normal for time to go by way too fast?,"For some reason time is going by too fast. Maybe its my shit memory just forgetting everything that happened, therefore making it seem like it happened way sooner that it did... 

It’s honestly scary how fast time is going by.",Lolli_bot,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5ibn/is_it_normal_for_time_to_go_by_way_too_fast/,reason time going fast maybe shit memory forgetting everything happened therefore making seem like happened way sooner honestly scary fast time going,normal time go way fast,loll bot,226,44,loll bot reason time going fast maybe shit memory forgetting everything happened therefore making seem like happened way sooner honestly scary fast time going normal time go way fast
Sometimes it's our parents who are to blame. This article shows how we're treated as babies has a huge effect on who we are as adults.,https://www.bustle.com/p/7-subtle-signs-youre-suffering-from-childhood-rejection-as-adult-13197726,Brilliant_Bet,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwnk0/sometimes_its_our_parents_who_are_to_blame_this/,http www bustle com p 7 subtle sign youre suffering childhood rejection adult 13197726,sometimes parent blame article show treated baby ha huge effect adult,brilliant bet,98,134,brilliant bet http www bustle com p 7 subtle sign youre suffering childhood rejection adult 13197726 sometimes parent blame article show treated baby ha huge effect adult
Swearing in YouTube videos is bad,"My mom wont stop criticizing the movies and YouTube I watch only for the swearing.. I'm 20 years old.. they really help me with my depression. Especially YMS, movie channels, Michael Reeves.. I swear in private A LOT but never in front of my parents. I just think it's funny how THATS the problem when I feel like fucking garbage... not when i was assaulted (groped) not when i came home crying when i was bullied mercilessly..  not when I cry to her that nobody loves me (literally says I'm being manipulative when I do and I'm doing it for attention) not when I slashed my thighs when she told me that if I didnt graduate college I would be a loser that relys on welfare homeless and a drug addict. Not when she has thrown shit at me when I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning.. no swearing is the problem...",rose_among_bones,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5gxm/swearing_in_youtube_videos_is_bad/,mom wont stop criticizing movie youtube watch swearing 20 year old really help depression especially yms movie channel michael reef swear private lot never front parent think funny thats problem feel like fucking garbage wa assaulted groped came home cry wa bullied mercilessly cry nobody love literally say manipulative attention slashed thigh told didnt graduate college would loser relys welfare homeless drug addict ha thrown shit trouble getting bed morning swearing problem,swearing youtube video bad,rose among bone,821,33,rose among bone mom wont stop criticizing movie youtube watch swearing 20 year old really help depression especially yms movie channel michael reef swear private lot never front parent think funny thats problem feel like fucking garbage wa assaulted groped came home cry wa bullied mercilessly cry nobody love literally say manipulative attention slashed thigh told didnt graduate college would loser relys welfare homeless drug addict ha thrown shit trouble getting bed morning swearing problem swearing youtube video bad
Want to chat till I get tired?,I’m sad. I hate myself. Hi,helpjustcut,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe8bfn/want_to_chat_till_i_get_tired/,sad hate hi,want chat till get tired,help cut,26,30,help cut sad hate hi want chat till get tired
I cut myself for the first time yesterday,"As the title says, I cut myself for the first time yesterday. It was only 2 swipes, but it feels like a huge step back and I don't know what to do. I don't have a therapist and I can't talk to my parents about it because they think its not as serious as it is. I just don't know where to go from here.",SquirtleSquad313,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe02v8/i_cut_myself_for_the_first_time_yesterday/,title say cut first time yesterday wa 2 swipe feel like huge step back know therapist talk parent think serious know go,cut first time yesterday,squirtle squad 313,301,41,squirtle squad 313 title say cut first time yesterday wa 2 swipe feel like huge step back know therapist talk parent think serious know go cut first time yesterday
I can’t fucking look at my self anymore,I hate my self so fucking much. I do everything anyone tells me I can’t stand up for my self. I’m school people throw shit at me and you know what I do nothing like the pice of shit I am. The only thang that ever makes me feel better is getting high and that’s a fucking problem. I never talk to anybody about my thoughts I’m to weak. Hey you good I just say yeah everyday the same to the point that I just live I’m living but not living I know this is just some rant that goes no where. I used to harm but I got over that but the scars are horrifying everybody notices and bring me down so badly I have no worth to anyone not even myself. I just want to sleep and never wake up.,throwawayacount92837,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe89oq/i_cant_fucking_look_at_my_self_anymore/,hate self fucking much everything anyone tell stand self school people throw shit know nothing like pice shit thang ever make feel better getting high fucking problem never talk anybody thought weak hey good say yeah everyday point live living living know rant go used harm got scar horrifying everybody notice bring badly worth anyone even want sleep never wake,fucking look self anymore,throwaway count 92837,679,39,throwaway count 92837 hate self fucking much everything anyone tell stand self school people throw shit know nothing like pice shit thang ever make feel better getting high fucking problem never talk anybody thought weak hey good say yeah everyday point live living living know rant go used harm got scar horrifying everybody notice bring badly worth anyone even want sleep never wake fucking look self anymore
Feeling empty,"It's not that I hate working but... no, it is precisely that I hate working. I just can't come to terms with the thought that I'm going to waste a huge part of my life doing things I don't like to do. 
For what? I don't see the point on working hard and achieving all these career goals if the only time I'm going to have to myself would be after I retire — IF I'm ever going to retire and not just drop dead in my 50/60s. 
I'm 27 and I have no idea how to live this life, my supposedly only chance at sentience. I'm depressed due to a lot of things: physical health problems, not being able to find a job that I'm going to at least tolerate, feeling generally lost in life.
I hated all the jobs I've been at, ALL OF THEM. It majorly contributed to my suicidal tendencies and I quit my last job with this awful premonition that if I'm not going to quit asap, I'm going to kill myself. 
My family doesn't understand because 'Everybody's gotta work for a living' (the usual), they kind of resent me now for being like this. I'd gladly drink all the Kool-Aid of this world and be a relatively happy working drone at this point in my life, but my mind just isnt wired that way.
I'm tired of constantly feeling depressed, guilty, angry at this world and myself. I feel absolutely alone, even thought I know that I'm not alone in this type of thinking.
Right now I just feel empty, like there's no way out of this, lile I have nothing to live for.
Sorry for this rant. I know I'm just writing it for attention, or maybe for some sort of connection to another human being.",log1992,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe22t7/feeling_empty/,hate working precisely hate working come term thought going waste huge part life thing like see point working hard achieving career goal time going would retire ever going retire drop dead 50 60 27 idea live life supposedly chance sentience depressed due lot thing physical health problem able find job going least tolerate feeling generally lost life hated job majorly contributed suicidal tendency quit last job awful premonition going quit asap going kill family understand everybody gotta work living usual kind resent like gladly drink kool aid world relatively happy working drone point life mind isnt wired way tired constantly feeling depressed guilty angry world feel absolutely alone even thought know alone type thinking right feel empty like way lile nothing live sorry rant know writing attention maybe sort connection another human,feeling empty,log 1992,1565,13,log 1992 hate working precisely hate working come term thought going waste huge part life thing like see point working hard achieving career goal time going would retire ever going retire drop dead 50 60 27 idea live life supposedly chance sentience depressed due lot thing physical health problem able find job going least tolerate feeling generally lost life hated job majorly contributed suicidal tendency quit last job awful premonition going quit asap going kill family understand everybody gotta work living usual kind resent like gladly drink kool aid world relatively happy working drone point life mind isnt wired way tired constantly feeling depressed guilty angry world feel absolutely alone even thought know alone type thinking right feel empty like way lile nothing live sorry rant know writing attention maybe sort connection another human feeling empty
I'm in a constant struggle between killing myself or doing crack cocaine,"The only good thing in my life is my girlfriend, her whole family (super religious and conservative) and friends hate me and do everything to stop her from being with me, including telling her they have seen me with other girls, a lie of course (her own mother did that).
I was an addict, I did cocaine, crack, benzos. Now I just smoke weed and take LSD occasionally (it actually helps me a lot), also I have tattoos so... the whole combo for them to hate. 
School sucks obviously, I can't concentrate, I disassociate, I feel worthless and tired all the time.
I can't take anxiolytics because of addiction so my head is always full of shit that I can't control, sometimes my paranoia is almost like schizophrenia.
Forgive my english and thanks for taking the time to read it.",adudelikethis,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3h3j/im_in_a_constant_struggle_between_killing_myself/,good thing life girlfriend whole family super religious conservative friend hate everything stop including telling seen girl lie course mother wa addict cocaine crack benzos smoke weed take lsd occasionally actually help lot also tattoo whole combo hate school suck obviously concentrate disassociate feel worthless tired time take anxiolytic addiction head always full shit control sometimes paranoia almost like schizophrenia forgive english thanks taking time read,constant struggle killing crack cocaine,dude like,775,72,dude like good thing life girlfriend whole family super religious conservative friend hate everything stop including telling seen girl lie course mother wa addict cocaine crack benzos smoke weed take lsd occasionally actually help lot also tattoo whole combo hate school suck obviously concentrate disassociate feel worthless tired time take anxiolytic addiction head always full shit control sometimes paranoia almost like schizophrenia forgive english thanks taking time read constant struggle killing crack cocaine
Does It get better?,"Depression and anxiety have taken over my life, I've been signed off work and all I do is lay in bed i havent left my house in 2 weeks l. I've shut myself off from my friends and family as it's just so hard to talk about how i feel. I've lost my best friend because of it as they are going through the same things as me but I just havent been the best person to talk to. My meds make me feel less and less like me every day and the void inside me is just getting bigger and bigger ever day. I've spoke to my doctor and they asked if I'm suicidal and I told them I was, they then asked if i made any ""concrete plans"" which I responded no. They then basically said coke back in a week and see how you feel. It's like no one even cares if I had concrete plans to kill myself I wouldn't be going to the doctors would I? My depression has consumed me and I feel like there isnt enough of me left to fight back. People say that it does get better but in all honesty there is no guarantee that it will and I'm not sure if I want to spend the next 60 years of my life fighting a battle I cant win. I'm not sure what i want from this post i just wanted to get it all out and if i do end up taking my own life atleast this will be here so family will have some insight into how I was feeling.",Candyman9832,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5az5/does_it_get_better/,depression anxiety taken life signed work lay bed havent left house 2 week l shut friend family hard talk feel lost best friend going thing havent best person talk med make feel le le like every day void inside getting bigger bigger ever day spoke doctor asked suicidal told wa asked made concrete plan responded basically said coke back week see feel like one even care concrete plan kill going doctor would depression ha consumed feel like isnt enough left fight back people say doe get better honesty guarantee sure want spend next 60 year life fighting battle cant win sure want post wanted get end taking life atleast family insight wa feeling,doe get better,candy man 9832,1282,19,candy man 9832 depression anxiety taken life signed work lay bed havent left house 2 week l shut friend family hard talk feel lost best friend going thing havent best person talk med make feel le le like every day void inside getting bigger bigger ever day spoke doctor asked suicidal told wa asked made concrete plan responded basically said coke back week see feel like one even care concrete plan kill going doctor would depression ha consumed feel like isnt enough left fight back people say doe get better honesty guarantee sure want spend next 60 year life fighting battle cant win sure want post wanted get end taking life atleast family insight wa feeling doe get better
I have stopped bleeding....,"Due to fact that I have been doing self harm as way to punish myself for about a 1yr now my pesky razors won't make me bleed and bc of the lack of blood my hands and feet are always cold and purpleish, my wrist is partially numb, and I'm always tired mentally or physicall. My life has been a train wreck from the the start, but never knew it would get this bad. The worst part is that I dont know how to stop.",bloodshot96245,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe86rf/i_have_stopped_bleeding/,due fact self harm way punish 1yr pesky razor make bleed bc lack blood hand foot always cold purpleish wrist partially numb always tired mentally physicall life ha train wreck start never knew would get bad worst part dont know stop,stopped bleeding,bloodshot 96245,410,27,bloodshot 96245 due fact self harm way punish 1yr pesky razor make bleed bc lack blood hand foot always cold purpleish wrist partially numb always tired mentally physicall life ha train wreck start never knew would get bad worst part dont know stop stopped bleeding
bullying is real. I'm a bully.,"I make fun of my friend for being skinny and punch her around. I jab at my other friend everytime she makes a little mistake. I'm an asshole. I just make fun of people out of instinct, and complain when people do the same to me. I'm a toxic ass hypocrite.

yet I complain, sit on my ass, and don't change.

ironic.",morganandmarston,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3f2s/bullying_is_real_im_a_bully/,make fun friend skinny punch around jab friend everytime make little mistake asshole make fun people instinct complain people toxic hypocrite yet complain sit change ironic,bullying real bully,morgan marston,314,30,morgan marston make fun friend skinny punch around jab friend everytime make little mistake asshole make fun people instinct complain people toxic hypocrite yet complain sit change ironic bullying real bully
Update (part 3),I was actually doing pretty great felt a bit like me. But I’m starting to realize that I can’t get better it’s to much I’ve tried countless times and loose hope ever time it doesn’t work. I really truthfully don’t think I am able to or will try to get better anymore I think this is it I think I give up on trying the pain of failing is to much. Honestly I can’t do life I’m so tired,Alicia_101,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3ef6/update_part_3/,wa actually pretty great felt bit like starting realize get better much tried countless time loose hope ever time work really truthfully think able try get better anymore think think give trying pain failing much honestly life tired,update part 3,alicia 101,383,15,alicia 101 wa actually pretty great felt bit like starting realize get better much tried countless time loose hope ever time work really truthfully think able try get better anymore think think give trying pain failing much honestly life tired update part 3
I feel a void in my chest after she broke up with me,"I thought everything was fine, we even had plans to hang out that day, she said she loved me, I said I loved her. Then that night she told me she couldn't be in a relationship with me. She left me in the dust with nothing. She was my best friends but also my only friend in my state since I moved. I have no one now and I feel like I lost a part of myself",250gamin,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe83l0/i_feel_a_void_in_my_chest_after_she_broke_up_with/,thought everything wa fine even plan hang day said loved said loved night told relationship left dust nothing wa best friend also friend state since moved one feel like lost part,feel void chest broke,250 gamin,355,52,250 gamin thought everything wa fine even plan hang day said loved said loved night told relationship left dust nothing wa best friend also friend state since moved one feel like lost part feel void chest broke
Need another perspective?,"I had a depressive episode so I moved back home, and have had depression for years but never confided in anyone. 

My parents are great and caring, and my mom is even a nurse, like 80% of the time they’re great.

But sometimes my mom can bug me.. like in the waiting room at the clinic while waiting to get recommended for a psychiatrist for depression she says: You still have it right?

Like what?! She has a nursing degree and asked that. I mean she’s usually very supportive but just this small thing makes me very confused. I am doing much better now that I have a routine and am not alone and suicidal everyday but just because you don’t see my depression doesn’t mean My depression went away.

I’ve hid it for at least 6 years and i was very good at it. I’m an actor. But it irks me that she would say that.

I’m 19 and sorta tall sometimes when we’re out shopping or something she talks about things that I’d rather not discuss in the middle of the mall, like “oh, yeah we should discuss when you should attend classes,” and we never discuss this at home.

It feels like she’s justifying my presence, like this is why I’m here with my 19 year old son on a Monday shopping and he’s not in school. Honestly it’s embarrassing and even if Im overthinking it I feel anxiety in public and I really don’t like standing out.

I’m pretty sure my depressions from her side of the family as she and her grandmother have had antidepressants. Don’t get me wrong we’re close and I love her, but sometimes it’s very annoying and any constructive criticism I give the way she responds is never in a way that doesn’t make me feel guilty about pointing something out.

Whenever there’s a problem she seems to blow it out of proportion, and I’ve stopped trying to help because if we go down a wrong street I become implicated in the problem and she makes it feel as if the world is ending even though everything works out. 

Sometimes it feels like she lets things go wrong on purpose, I can’t even count the times we have gone out for something and she forgot her bags, or we forgot to bring some package for the post office, or something similar. Whenever this happens she says “oh I should have thought of that” “I’m so stupid” “I should have known” and it makes me feel as if she is expecting me to remind her of these things. I appreciate all the things she does but if it’s something she organizes for example shopping like I have no control over what she forgets to bring but she somehow makes me feel responsible, or at least I do somehow. 

I just can’t understand this negative side to her and it seems like somethings always wrong and if it is she exacerbates it, I can’t tell if it’s from her depression if she has low self esteem and is hard on herself if she makes mistakes or makes mistakes on purpose, regardless it affects me.

I know not everything here was directly about depression but I thought because it relates to my situation might as well say what’s on my mind.
Does anyone else have perspective on having depressions and living with parents? Im lucky to have supportive parents but sometimes I’m not sure how to deal.",NuffHunter,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe82r5/need_another_perspective/,depressive episode moved back home depression year never confided anyone parent great caring mom even nurse like 80 time great sometimes mom bug like waiting room clinic waiting get recommended psychiatrist depression say still right like ha nursing degree asked mean usually supportive small thing make confused much better routine alone suicidal everyday see depression mean depression went away hid least 6 year wa good actor irks would say 19 sorta tall sometimes shopping something talk thing rather discus middle mall like oh yeah discus attend class never discus home feel like justifying presence like 19 year old son monday shopping school honestly embarrassing even im overthinking feel anxiety public really like standing pretty sure depression side family grandmother antidepressant get wrong close love sometimes annoying constructive criticism give way responds never way make feel guilty pointing something whenever problem seems blow proportion stopped trying help go wrong street become implicated problem make feel world ending even though everything work sometimes feel like let thing go wrong purpose even count time gone something forgot bag forgot bring package post office something similar whenever happens say oh thought stupid known make feel expecting remind thing appreciate thing doe something organizes example shopping like control forgets bring somehow make feel responsible least somehow understand negative side seems like somethings always wrong exacerbates tell depression ha low self esteem hard make mistake make mistake purpose regardless affect know everything wa directly depression thought relates situation might well say mind doe anyone else perspective depression living parent im lucky supportive parent sometimes sure deal,need another perspective,nuff hunter,3133,25,nuff hunter depressive episode moved back home depression year never confided anyone parent great caring mom even nurse like 80 time great sometimes mom bug like waiting room clinic waiting get recommended psychiatrist depression say still right like ha nursing degree asked mean usually supportive small thing make confused much better routine alone suicidal everyday see depression mean depression went away hid least 6 year wa good actor irks would say 19 sorta tall sometimes shopping something talk thing rather discus middle mall like oh yeah discus attend class never discus home feel like justifying presence like 19 year old son monday shopping school honestly embarrassing even im overthinking feel anxiety public really like standing pretty sure depression side family grandmother antidepressant get wrong close love sometimes annoying constructive criticism give way responds never way make feel guilty pointing something whenever problem seems blow proportion stopped trying help go wrong street become implicated problem make feel world ending even though everything work sometimes feel like let thing go wrong purpose even count time gone something forgot bag forgot bring package post office something similar whenever happens say oh thought stupid known make feel expecting remind thing appreciate thing doe something organizes example shopping like control forgets bring somehow make feel responsible least somehow understand negative side seems like somethings always wrong exacerbates tell depression ha low self esteem hard make mistake make mistake purpose regardless affect know everything wa directly depression thought relates situation might well say mind doe anyone else perspective depression living parent im lucky supportive parent sometimes sure deal need another perspective
I've been having chronic pain and I'm partially blind,"Hi I'm 23 years old
It was October 2019,
I was having intense headaches and nausea, it was my birthday the 24th. My family thought it was normal because of my period 2 weeks go by the pain is worse and in tense. I was taken to a hospital, and a neurologist saw me and said I had no signs of any problems whatsoever but to make sure he prescribed me declofenac and to get a resonance on my head. 

No tumors where found and the declofenac made my problems worsen, I went to a different hospital where my grandmother sister works as head of emergency and pediatrician. The doctor who attended me stated I was fine and had nothing, I studied for a nursing license and knew the look in the doctors face when I told her I'm still in pain after administrating medication was of ""she just wants drugs"" face. I told my grandmas sister and she told me, that the doctor who attended me they always fight because of her attitude and insinuation on patients. At this time I was already 2 months in pain, my family tried to look for other know neurologist in the field to see what's going on and none of them knew.

3 months I was talking to a friend and just for a moment I felt numb, numb as in I didn't feel any pain. My dad got scared and saw my left eye drift away, he took me to a oftalmologist. He didn't know what's going on when he checked me so he referred me to a hospital specialized in neuro-oftalmologist. I went through the emergency room and I was obviously angry frustrated you name it. The doctor checked my eyes and told me I had papilledema, and it might be cause by the birth control pills since I was always having issues with my hormones. The blood pressured my eyes thus having nausea, headaches, desoroentation, sensitivity to light, and insomnia.

I was treated for papilledema and I can't use any birth control whatsoever, but now I'm still sensitive to light and I see like those huge TVs in the 90s and VHS. Because my left eye was left with nerve damage, I can't see my peripheral view from both my eyes. the left eye its been losing the blur I see and it's getting darker, as in pitch black and have like a 1cm of blurred or I think even less. I'm also not being able to see most colors or differentiate in deepness (as in stairs, steps, holes etc) 

It's been 6 months now..

I changed doctors, learned myself to go through my surroundings without depending in my eye sight. I no longer have papilledema and I still get headaches even when I try to force my eye sigth, plus In December we found out my knees is more above than usual and that's why it pops out. But that time it popped out it didn't went in and now I have to use kinesiology tape to have support and control over it.

I've been snapping at a lot of people degrading me, telling me it's nothing, people are in worse situations be grateful.

But I'm not allowed to snap, I'm not allowed to defend myself, I'm not allowed to call people out when they make me feel like I've literally gone through nothing.

I have no friends, and the people I know don't know my position. Because they literally don't give a sh*T

Im social whenever I can and this was my actual fear losing my eye sight. I'm not afraid of risking it, making hard decisions, animals, crisis. My fear is actually coming true..

How am I not going to feel depressed, sad, upset, angry, frustrated....

HOW?! I literally use the keyboard voice option instead of writing and Google assistant.

Everything I liked reading books, watching old movies, going to cons...

And the worse part is my son hides from me every time he gets because he already knows mommy can't see, so I freak out when I can't hear him or feel him in the house.

I'm just going to end it here, cuz me getting upset also makes my head hurt more than usual.",imnotscaredyouare,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1tja/ive_been_having_chronic_pain_and_im_partially/,hi 23 year old wa october 2019 wa intense headache nausea wa birthday 24th family thought wa normal period 2 week go pain worse tense wa taken hospital neurologist saw said sign problem whatsoever make sure prescribed declofenac get resonance head tumor found declofenac made problem worsen went different hospital grandmother sister work head emergency pediatrician doctor attended stated wa fine nothing studied nursing license knew look doctor face told still pain administrating medication wa want drug face told grandma sister told doctor attended always fight attitude insinuation patient time wa already 2 month pain family tried look know neurologist field see going none knew 3 month wa talking friend moment felt numb numb feel pain dad got scared saw left eye drift away took oftalmologist know going checked referred hospital specialized neuro oftalmologist went emergency room wa obviously angry frustrated name doctor checked eye told papilledema might cause birth control pill since wa always issue hormone blood pressured eye thus nausea headache desoroentation sensitivity light insomnia wa treated papilledema use birth control whatsoever still sensitive light see like huge tv 90 vhs left eye wa left nerve damage see peripheral view eye left eye losing blur see getting darker pitch black like 1cm blurred think even le also able see color differentiate deepness stair step hole etc 6 month changed doctor learned go surroundings without depending eye sight longer papilledema still get headache even try force eye sigth plus december found knee usual pop time popped went use kinesiology tape support control snapping lot people degrading telling nothing people worse situation grateful allowed snap allowed defend allowed call people make feel like literally gone nothing friend people know know position literally give sh im social whenever wa actual fear losing eye sight afraid risking making hard decision animal crisis fear actually coming true going feel depressed sad upset angry frustrated literally use keyboard voice option instead writing google assistant everything liked reading book watching old movie going con worse part son hide every time get already know mommy see freak hear feel house going end cuz getting upset also make head hurt usual,chronic pain partially blind,im scared,3771,53,im scared hi 23 year old wa october 2019 wa intense headache nausea wa birthday 24th family thought wa normal period 2 week go pain worse tense wa taken hospital neurologist saw said sign problem whatsoever make sure prescribed declofenac get resonance head tumor found declofenac made problem worsen went different hospital grandmother sister work head emergency pediatrician doctor attended stated wa fine nothing studied nursing license knew look doctor face told still pain administrating medication wa want drug face told grandma sister told doctor attended always fight attitude insinuation patient time wa already 2 month pain family tried look know neurologist field see going none knew 3 month wa talking friend moment felt numb numb feel pain dad got scared saw left eye drift away took oftalmologist know going checked referred hospital specialized neuro oftalmologist went emergency room wa obviously angry frustrated name doctor checked eye told papilledema might cause birth control pill since wa always issue hormone blood pressured eye thus nausea headache desoroentation sensitivity light insomnia wa treated papilledema use birth control whatsoever still sensitive light see like huge tv 90 vhs left eye wa left nerve damage see peripheral view eye left eye losing blur see getting darker pitch black like 1cm blurred think even le also able see color differentiate deepness stair step hole etc 6 month changed doctor learned go surroundings without depending eye sight longer papilledema still get headache even try force eye sigth plus december found knee usual pop time popped went use kinesiology tape support control snapping lot people degrading telling nothing people worse situation grateful allowed snap allowed defend allowed call people make feel like literally gone nothing friend people know know position literally give sh im social whenever wa actual fear losing eye sight afraid risking making hard decision animal crisis fear actually coming true going feel depressed sad upset angry frustrated literally use keyboard voice option instead writing google assistant everything liked reading book watching old movie going con worse part son hide every time get already know mommy see freak hear feel house going end cuz getting upset also make head hurt usual chronic pain partially blind
"After a failed attempt, I'm starting to really feel like retrying","I botched my suicide attempt, but I know where I went wrong. Since then, I've been seriously looking for good reasons to live for the last month, and I feel as useless and worthless as ever. Everyone hates me, and I am a burden at the best of times. Everyone goes out of their way to avoid me. I tell my therapist, and they just tell me not to think about it, like it's somehow a switch I can turn on and off. I've been trying to find healthier ways to cope, and have failed. Now, I've suspended my studies and live at home doing fucking nothing all day, distracting myself from thoughts of self-harming. I contact friends, and they reject and ignore me, even when I've told them all I want is to talk or do small things together. Nobody makes time for me, nobody sees any value in me, and the world would be better off without me.",Throwaway13KA,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdywol/after_a_failed_attempt_im_starting_to_really_feel/,botched suicide attempt know went wrong since seriously looking good reason live last month feel useless worthless ever everyone hate burden best time everyone go way avoid tell therapist tell think like somehow switch turn trying find healthier way cope failed suspended study live home fucking nothing day distracting thought self harming contact friend reject ignore even told want talk small thing together nobody make time nobody see value world would better without,failed attempt starting really feel like retrying,throwaway 13 ka,831,65,throwaway 13 ka botched suicide attempt know went wrong since seriously looking good reason live last month feel useless worthless ever everyone hate burden best time everyone go way avoid tell therapist tell think like somehow switch turn trying find healthier way cope failed suspended study live home fucking nothing day distracting thought self harming contact friend reject ignore even told want talk small thing together nobody make time nobody see value world would better without failed attempt starting really feel like retrying
I’m pretty unstable right now,I’ve been depressed for quite a while now and I just got dumped 10 minutes ago. Not sure how to get on with life when everything goes wrong. I just want to go away.,CreamOnMyNutella,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe80su/im_pretty_unstable_right_now/,depressed quite got dumped 10 minute ago sure get life everything go wrong want go away,pretty unstable right,cream nut ella,164,29,cream nut ella depressed quite got dumped 10 minute ago sure get life everything go wrong want go away pretty unstable right
I'm tired of all the noise,I think I get misinterpreted a lot. I don't feel good. I'm selfish but I need validation too. My things matter but so do yours. I just need to find the right meds.,[deleted],0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe80sp/im_tired_of_all_the_noise/,think get misinterpreted lot feel good selfish need validation thing matter need find right med,tired noise,deleted,163,26,deleted think get misinterpreted lot feel good selfish need validation thing matter need find right med tired noise
Don’t know if this depression or sadness but honestly I feel like really killing my self.,"I used to be perfectly normal and then Physics hit me. I am constantly flunking tests and even when I’m relaxing or watching tv I either feel ok or literally want to vanish and hang my self. I get a lot of mood swings going from neutral, happy, sad with neutral and super sad everyday. I always hold a happy face literally acting ok and happy and I can’t take it. No one really cares about me anyway and it feels unbearable or I’m quite happy. It’s been 2 years of this and I’m seriously might end it but subconsciously I feel like if I tell someone it is making me seem like a wimp for not being able to do it and dishonours real depressed people. But the only thing that keeps me going is setting goals like I want to be a programmer or play video games or my brother.",OtakuLeveledUp,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe52si/dont_know_if_this_depression_or_sadness_but/,used perfectly normal physic hit constantly flunking test even relaxing watching tv either feel ok literally want vanish hang self get lot mood swing going neutral happy sad neutral super sad everyday always hold happy face literally acting ok happy take one really care anyway feel unbearable quite happy 2 year seriously might end subconsciously feel like tell someone making seem like wimp able dishonour real depressed people thing keep going setting goal like want programmer play video game brother,know depression sadness honestly feel like really killing self,otaku leveled,770,89,otaku leveled used perfectly normal physic hit constantly flunking test even relaxing watching tv either feel ok literally want vanish hang self get lot mood swing going neutral happy sad neutral super sad everyday always hold happy face literally acting ok happy take one really care anyway feel unbearable quite happy 2 year seriously might end subconsciously feel like tell someone making seem like wimp able dishonour real depressed people thing keep going setting goal like want programmer play video game brother know depression sadness honestly feel like really killing self
my psychologist violated professional ethics and is [maybe] responsible for some of my mental issues,"hi :)

as a german native my english is far from being excellent so i dont want to beat around the bush longer than i must:

\- me and my therapist had private if not intimate contact

\- i know where she lives

\- she has b-day today (both of ours and the day we first met are within like 2 weeks)

\- i dont know how to proceed

heres the story (translated all by myself, looking for improvements):

[https://www.wattpad.com/story/215904264-my-therapist-and-me-a-broken-relationship-ran-by](https://www.wattpad.com/story/215904264-my-therapist-and-me-a-broken-relationship-ran-by)",SexualHarrasmPanda,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe80bu/my_psychologist_violated_professional_ethics_and/,hi german native english far excellent dont want beat around bush longer must therapist private intimate contact know life ha b day today day first met within like 2 week dont know proceed story translated looking improvement http www wattpad com story 215904264 therapist broken relationship ran http www wattpad com story 215904264 therapist broken relationship ran,psychologist violated professional ethic maybe responsible mental issue,sexual h arras mp,582,100,sexual h arras mp hi german native english far excellent dont want beat around bush longer must therapist private intimate contact know life ha b day today day first met within like 2 week dont know proceed story translated looking improvement http www wattpad com story 215904264 therapist broken relationship ran http www wattpad com story 215904264 therapist broken relationship ran psychologist violated professional ethic maybe responsible mental issue
"Recorded myself reading feeling good by David burns last night, would anyone find it helpful if I uploaded it?","Not sure how I would upload a voice memo but I did send it to a friend who enjoyed how my voice sounded and if anyone is having trouble like me getting through this massive tome, I wouldn’t mind sharing it.",notababyimatumor,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0km1/recorded_myself_reading_feeling_good_by_david/,sure would upload voice memo send friend enjoyed voice sounded anyone trouble like getting massive tome mind sharing,recorded reading feeling good david burn last night would anyone find helpful uploaded,baby im tumor,206,110,baby im tumor sure would upload voice memo send friend enjoyed voice sounded anyone trouble like getting massive tome mind sharing recorded reading feeling good david burn last night would anyone find helpful uploaded
Tired of people asking am i okay,"I’m obviously not. Depressed as I’ll ever be, walking through life numb, detached, lonely, empty, feeling dejected, with no light at the end of the tunnel. Stop trying to fix me and give me cliche advice, because at the end of the day I’m still going to be depressed.",Celeste-Hiddleston,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe363j/tired_of_people_asking_am_i_okay/,obviously depressed ever walking life numb detached lonely empty feeling dejected light end tunnel stop trying fix give cliche advice end day still going depressed,tired people asking okay,celeste hid lest,267,32,celeste hid lest obviously depressed ever walking life numb detached lonely empty feeling dejected light end tunnel stop trying fix give cliche advice end day still going depressed tired people asking okay
Switching from Prozac to Zoloft,"Hi! I was previously on 80 mg of Prozac and it helped a little with regulating my mood, but then I think my anxiety got worse because I started having trouble staying asleep and my problems with concentration got even worse. My doctor started me on a 5-week cross-tapering plan to switch to Zoloft, and I am currently on day 2 of week 3 where I take 20 mg of Prozac and 50 mg of Zoloft. Today, however, I suddenly experienced diarrhea and really bad nausea for the first time. Has anyone had similar experiences and does anyone have any tips?",noctorealis,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7z2t/switching_from_prozac_to_zoloft/,hi wa previously 80 mg prozac helped little regulating mood think anxiety got worse started trouble staying asleep problem concentration got even worse doctor started 5 week cross tapering plan switch zoloft currently day 2 week 3 take 20 mg prozac 50 mg zoloft today however suddenly experienced diarrhea really bad nausea first time ha anyone similar experience doe anyone tip,switching prozac zoloft,noc real,542,31,noc real hi wa previously 80 mg prozac helped little regulating mood think anxiety got worse started trouble staying asleep problem concentration got even worse doctor started 5 week cross tapering plan switch zoloft currently day 2 week 3 take 20 mg prozac 50 mg zoloft today however suddenly experienced diarrhea really bad nausea first time ha anyone similar experience doe anyone tip switching prozac zoloft
i dont wanna die i want to live the best life i can but i just dont know how and feel like i dont deserve it,"i hate myself. i hate myself for being so selfish and lazy and shy and anxious and depressed. i wish i could be just like everybody else but it always feels so empty ya know. i dont wanna die,  i want to live to be happy to not cry everyday o have friends to date and stuff but i dont know how and i feeli like i dont deserve do be happy or loved by anyone and it hurts, idk what to do anymore everyday is just so boring and sad and even when i have a good time i know it wont happen again so i just get sad and sadder everyday im afraid of everything and i know everyone's life would be better than me im just useless and i hate myself for not giving up of it all",stalkyoo,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe50th/i_dont_wanna_die_i_want_to_live_the_best_life_i/,hate hate selfish lazy shy anxious depressed wish could like everybody else always feel empty ya know dont wanna die want live happy cry everyday friend date stuff dont know feeli like dont deserve happy loved anyone hurt idk anymore everyday boring sad even good time know wont happen get sad sadder everyday im afraid everything know everyone life would better im useless hate giving,dont wanna die want live best life dont know feel like dont deserve,stalk yoo,664,108,stalk yoo hate hate selfish lazy shy anxious depressed wish could like everybody else always feel empty ya know dont wanna die want live happy cry everyday friend date stuff dont know feeli like dont deserve happy loved anyone hurt idk anymore everyday boring sad even good time know wont happen get sad sadder everyday im afraid everything know everyone life would better im useless hate giving dont wanna die want live best life dont know feel like dont deserve
I need help.,"I just need some interaction, I’m trying really hard not to cut myself right now. I’m addicted and it’s a problem. My day was shitty, but I’d like to hear about yours.",wasps_in_my_anus,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7wr0/i_need_help/,need interaction trying really hard cut right addicted problem day wa shitty like hear,need help,wasp anus,167,12,wasp anus need interaction trying really hard cut right addicted problem day wa shitty like hear need help
How can just getting a Good Night text from my crush make me feel so happy,I just always feel so happy and whole when i get one. But if i dont it just makes me even more sad because it feels like i did something wrong.,Smasianboy,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe327i/how_can_just_getting_a_good_night_text_from_my/,always feel happy whole get one dont make even sad feel like something wrong,getting good night text crush make feel happy,sm asian boy,143,74,sm asian boy always feel happy whole get one dont make even sad feel like something wrong getting good night text crush make feel happy
help- i need advice,"ive been having a horribly depressed episode for the past 6 months— i am not diagnosed but ive been dealing with casual symptoms of depression for my whole life (im 18).
i finally went to my doctor in january and she gave me a referral to a psychiatrist, but wait lists here are long and its been over a month and i havent heard anything. ill probably be waiting much longer and that thought feels like torture and makes me feel worse.
im self harming, but i personally dont think its at an alarming level. there was about a month long period when i was **actively** suicidal, had a plan, a date, and the tool to do it. obviously i didnt follow through. the thought of suicide still lingers in my mind but its more low-key now...
when i was actively suicidal i was considering voluntary hospitalization. i know that route would get me treatment much quicker.
right now i feel like thats my only option with my current situation... i dont know if this is selfish, but i cant bare the thought of waiting much longer for treatment when ive been having on and off depressive episodes my whole life, and i believe im in the middle of my worst one yet right now.
but i feel like i dont deserve inpatient care since im not actively suicidal or “at risk” of causing serious harm.
what should i do? any other ideas?",depresdthrowaway,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4xk7/help_i_need_advice/,ive horribly depressed episode past 6 month diagnosed ive dealing casual symptom depression whole life im 18 finally went doctor january gave referral psychiatrist wait list long month havent heard anything ill probably waiting much longer thought feel like torture make feel worse im self harming personally dont think alarming level wa month long period wa actively suicidal plan date tool obviously didnt follow thought suicide still lingers mind low key wa actively suicidal wa considering voluntary hospitalization know route would get treatment much quicker right feel like thats option current situation dont know selfish cant bare thought waiting much longer treatment ive depressive episode whole life believe im middle worst one yet right feel like dont deserve inpatient care since im actively suicidal risk causing serious harm idea,help need advice,de pre sd throwaway,1306,19,de pre sd throwaway ive horribly depressed episode past 6 month diagnosed ive dealing casual symptom depression whole life im 18 finally went doctor january gave referral psychiatrist wait list long month havent heard anything ill probably waiting much longer thought feel like torture make feel worse im self harming personally dont think alarming level wa month long period wa actively suicidal plan date tool obviously didnt follow thought suicide still lingers mind low key wa actively suicidal wa considering voluntary hospitalization know route would get treatment much quicker right feel like thats option current situation dont know selfish cant bare thought waiting much longer treatment ive depressive episode whole life believe im middle worst one yet right feel like dont deserve inpatient care since im actively suicidal risk causing serious harm idea help need advice
I HAVE A GUT FEELING THAT WONT GO AWAY.,"I really don’t have any evidence on this, but I have this feeling my GF cheated (or still is) on me. I have told her about this and we try different things to strengthen the trust again but nothing really works. This is ruining our relationship that was going great until this. It all started with me thinking that my friend and her were very friendly with each other, plus they shared a lot in common. That idea grew in my head at one point I had convinced myself it was true. I don’t know if it’s true or not I confronted both of them, but of course they denied it. Doesn’t help that my friend is always lying about things (small things at times) and after telling him the situation he hated me and began acting like a dick and showed me a side of him I never knew. I understand people will do and say things that they don’t mean when mad but he said some mean things lol. We ended up talking things out after I almost fought him because of the slimy shit he did. At the time I thought it was real but now I think it was to avoid the fight.",SadGui,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4xbq/i_have_a_gut_feeling_that_wont_go_away/,really evidence feeling gf cheated still told try different thing strengthen trust nothing really work ruining relationship wa going great started thinking friend friendly plus shared lot common idea grew head one point convinced wa true know true confronted course denied help friend always lying thing small thing time telling situation hated began acting like dick showed side never knew understand people say thing mean mad said mean thing lol ended talking thing almost fought slimy shit time thought wa real think wa avoid fight,gut feeling wont go away,sad gui,1042,39,sad gui really evidence feeling gf cheated still told try different thing strengthen trust nothing really work ruining relationship wa going great started thinking friend friendly plus shared lot common idea grew head one point convinced wa true know true confronted course denied help friend always lying thing small thing time telling situation hated began acting like dick showed side never knew understand people say thing mean mad said mean thing lol ended talking thing almost fought slimy shit time thought wa real think wa avoid fight gut feeling wont go away
I keep thinking about This too much,"Idk if you guys can understand this. I just keep thinking about how long i have left in life and I am already exhausted I'm only 24 and I'm tired of living , i don't have a big problem but i keep overthinking how exhausting living is and how many years i have to live i for some reason don't accept living, I'm sure it's just thoughts that comes out of bordem but I want to know if you can relate.",nidham21,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1iq7/i_keep_thinking_about_this_too_much/,idk guy understand keep thinking long left life already exhausted 24 tired living big problem keep overthinking exhausting living many year live reason accept living sure thought come bordem want know relate,keep thinking much,nid ham 21,397,35,nid ham 21 idk guy understand keep thinking long left life already exhausted 24 tired living big problem keep overthinking exhausting living many year live reason accept living sure thought come bordem want know relate keep thinking much
I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow.,"The last few I've seen were well-meaning but unfortunately it didn't work out. I feel worthless every day, I have no close friends, it really sucks. Countless social rejections have led me to believe that I am fundamentally broken, that no one wants to be my friend. I don't think that going to therapy will suddenly make me a really likable person that tons of people want to be friends with. But maybe it can make me feel better about myself.

Because I can't go on living like this. I'm afraid I might try to kill myself or something.",DonutFactoryRequiem,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2zol/im_seeing_a_therapist_tomorrow/,last seen well meaning unfortunately work feel worthless every day close friend really suck countless social rejection led believe fundamentally broken one want friend think going therapy suddenly make really likable person ton people want friend maybe make feel better go living like afraid might try kill something,seeing therapist tomorrow,donut factory requiem,537,32,donut factory requiem last seen well meaning unfortunately work feel worthless every day close friend really suck countless social rejection led believe fundamentally broken one want friend think going therapy suddenly make really likable person ton people want friend maybe make feel better go living like afraid might try kill something seeing therapist tomorrow
I feel like a failure of a human being,"            Millions of years of evolution and I'm somehow I'm  one of the results. I'm ugly, I self harm, and I'm socially awkward freak. I don't deserve the few friends I have and I'm constantly blowing them off to lay in bed all day and do nothing. 2020 was supposed to be different, but I'm unfixable. 2019 was supposed to be different, 2018 was supposed to be different, so were 2017 and 2016, but it's always the same fucking shit.I don't know how much longer I can pretend I'm not suffering. I wish I never existed. I don't know what I did to deserve this.",dethroprewayssed3847,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7tnw/i_feel_like_a_failure_of_a_human_being/,million year evolution somehow one result ugly self harm socially awkward freak deserve friend constantly blowing lay bed day nothing 2020 wa supposed different unfixable 2019 wa supposed different 2018 wa supposed different 2017 2016 always fucking shit know much longer pretend suffering wish never existed know deserve,feel like failure human,de thro pre way sed 3847,563,38,de thro pre way sed 3847 million year evolution somehow one result ugly self harm socially awkward freak deserve friend constantly blowing lay bed day nothing 2020 wa supposed different unfixable 2019 wa supposed different 2018 wa supposed different 2017 2016 always fucking shit know much longer pretend suffering wish never existed know deserve feel like failure human
I don’t want to exist,"I am a senior in high school and have been miserable for as long as I can remember. I never really got any joy out of anything. Therapy never helped and nothing I try to do works. I hate school, and I’m in an apprenticeship that my dad talked me into which I have never been into construction and now I know I absolutely hate it but my dad won’t let me quit. At the same time I can’t see myself having a future or being happy in the future. I would have killed myself a long time ago but my family would be sad so I’m stuck chugging along and being miserable.",_jake124,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2yqf/i_dont_want_to_exist/,senior high school miserable long remember never really got joy anything therapy never helped nothing try work hate school apprenticeship dad talked never construction know absolutely hate dad let quit time see future happy future would killed long time ago family would sad stuck chugging along miserable,want exist,jake 124,559,21,jake 124 senior high school miserable long remember never really got joy anything therapy never helped nothing try work hate school apprenticeship dad talked never construction know absolutely hate dad let quit time see future happy future would killed long time ago family would sad stuck chugging along miserable want exist
Nobody fucking cares,"My parents don’t care, my “friends” are sick of me, and no one else gives a shit because everyone has their own shit to deal with. Not even you guys care. We are all just hear so feel slightly less pathetic because other people are here in the same boat as us. I just feel completely alone and I’m just pissed off I can’t find it in myslef to just fucking do what I want to do already. I want this shit to stop.",ijswizzlei,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1h69/nobody_fucking_cares/,parent care friend sick one else give shit everyone ha shit deal even guy care hear feel slightly le pathetic people boat u feel completely alone pissed find myslef fucking want already want shit stop,nobody fucking care,ij swizz lei,411,20,ij swizz lei parent care friend sick one else give shit everyone ha shit deal even guy care hear feel slightly le pathetic people boat u feel completely alone pissed find myslef fucking want already want shit stop nobody fucking care
I don’t really know anymore,"I can’t tell if I’m sad or depressed. Like I have friends that I hang out with and laugh and joke around with, but a the end of the day im never a first choice. And whenever I’m alone or not doing something I get consumed with thoughts about how I’m not good enough and everyone would be better without me. But at the same time I can get out of bed and go to school and I laugh along with friends and am pretty lively. But when I’m alone I’m just consumed with intrusive thoughts and what not.",sammybear1304,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7t40/i_dont_really_know_anymore/,tell sad depressed like friend hang laugh joke around end day im never first choice whenever alone something get consumed thought good enough everyone would better without time get bed go school laugh along friend pretty lively alone consumed intrusive thought,really know anymore,sammy bear 1304,493,27,sammy bear 1304 tell sad depressed like friend hang laugh joke around end day im never first choice whenever alone something get consumed thought good enough everyone would better without time get bed go school laugh along friend pretty lively alone consumed intrusive thought really know anymore
I need help and i cant go back to a psych ward,I honestly feel worthless for the millionth time. I always fuck up everything and never amount to anything special. I just feel like a fucking toy to everyone. My relationships are shit and so am I.,closetedthoughts,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzct2/i_need_help_and_i_cant_go_back_to_a_psych_ward/,honestly feel worthless millionth time always fuck everything never amount anything special feel like fucking toy everyone relationship shit,need help cant go back psych ward,closeted thought,198,46,closeted thought honestly feel worthless millionth time always fuck everything never amount anything special feel like fucking toy everyone relationship shit need help cant go back psych ward
I feel fake,"I'm pretending to feel positive emotions, and it makes me terrified. It scares me to know that I am not truly reacting to anything, but just putting on a mask to please others. It just makes me feel worse than I already do. I don't know what to do.",PrieCheese,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4sik/i_feel_fake/,pretending feel positive emotion make terrified scare know truly reacting anything putting mask please others make feel worse already know,feel fake,p rie cheese,248,11,p rie cheese pretending feel positive emotion make terrified scare know truly reacting anything putting mask please others make feel worse already know feel fake
Is it normal to feel that therapy is not working for me?,"I’ve been seeing a now total of 4 therapists, but I feel like none of them are helping with my depression. 
Actually, what’s been working out for me is to generally try to have a healthy mindset about life and not fall into the trap of negative thoughts.
I feel like all my progress has been made without professional help, as I bounce back from my lows from the reassuring support I get from my friends and family. 
Is it normal to find medication or therapy not effective or necessary at all in fighting my depression?",kwonthefuckdown,12,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdv1qg/is_it_normal_to_feel_that_therapy_is_not_working/,seeing total 4 therapist feel like none helping depression actually working generally try healthy mindset life fall trap negative thought feel like progress ha made without professional help bounce back low reassuring support get friend family normal find medication therapy effective necessary fighting depression,normal feel therapy working,kwon fuck,520,56,kwon fuck seeing total 4 therapist feel like none helping depression actually working generally try healthy mindset life fall trap negative thought feel like progress ha made without professional help bounce back low reassuring support get friend family normal find medication therapy effective necessary fighting depression normal feel therapy working
I can't stop thinking about death and I can't enjoy life because of it.,"Everyday I could be fine but eventually the thought of my death creeps in to my thought and it makes me sad. I have been questioning what is on the other side all my life and sometimes I just think I should kill myself to get it over with. My friends don't help either most of the are sorta surface level and the ones closest to me are the most negative. I just want to have fun in life I'm only 16 why do I think about it so much ?

I don't even care to experience homeschool anymore
I am just trying to go to college.",Datmode,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7r02/i_cant_stop_thinking_about_death_and_i_cant_enjoy/,everyday could fine eventually thought death creep thought make sad questioning side life sometimes think kill get friend help either sorta surface level one closest negative want fun life 16 think much even care experience homeschool anymore trying go college,stop thinking death enjoy life,dat mode,519,71,dat mode everyday could fine eventually thought death creep thought make sad questioning side life sometimes think kill get friend help either sorta surface level one closest negative want fun life 16 think much even care experience homeschool anymore trying go college stop thinking death enjoy life
In a pickle of feelings,"I've been in a very relaxed relationship since September but ever since january things have been ""on the wall."" During winter break, especially after the holidays, she became a lil bit distant to me. We eventually talked and she wanted to be apart for awhile due to personal issues with herself and I understood and we went from a relationship to just best friends. We have talked about her issues before so I told her I will always be there for her and she insisted she didnt want things to change or grow apart. We were in a very adult relationship so I didn't want to ruin or friendship, we eventually became close and things were all the same as they were before we broke up. Lately though she has been going through things again and I am having a hard time getting through it this time. Last time I took it very mature and was actually the only relationship I have actually not completely fallen apart after the break up. This time I'm thinking it's just me though and my own low self esteem has caused issues more than anything. I barely get a text from her and we never get to hang out and it really hurts, more than anything I have every felt before. This has resulted in me doing things I have never done before that I feel ashamed of, caused me to take up nicotine again, and major other issues resulting in my school work in college to be a burden rather than something to help me. Sorry I just needed to get some stuff off my chest and things and I hope she never sees any of this. She is an absolute gem and I want to be the one to be there for her as much as I can but I feel like she is hiding from me at times and doesnt want to even deal with me anymore. The only part that give me hope and joy is when I see her in class and we talk and joke, and then I kiss her good bye and I dont see her for another few days. It's just alot of pain to see someone I care about so much just dissapear from my life like this. Or atleast it feels that way if I'm not over thinking it. Sorry guys!",__Guerard__,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7qrt/in_a_pickle_of_feelings/,relaxed relationship since september ever since january thing wall winter break especially holiday became lil bit distant eventually talked wanted apart awhile due personal issue understood went relationship best friend talked issue told always insisted didnt want thing change grow apart adult relationship want ruin friendship eventually became close thing broke lately though ha going thing hard time getting time last time took mature wa actually relationship actually completely fallen apart break time thinking though low self esteem ha caused issue anything barely get text never get hang really hurt anything every felt ha resulted thing never done feel ashamed caused take nicotine major issue resulting school work college burden rather something help sorry needed get stuff chest thing hope never see absolute gem want one much feel like hiding time doesnt want even deal anymore part give hope joy see class talk joke kiss good bye dont see another day alot pain see someone care much dissapear life like atleast feel way thinking sorry guy,pickle feeling,gue rard,1998,23,gue rard relaxed relationship since september ever since january thing wall winter break especially holiday became lil bit distant eventually talked wanted apart awhile due personal issue understood went relationship best friend talked issue told always insisted didnt want thing change grow apart adult relationship want ruin friendship eventually became close thing broke lately though ha going thing hard time getting time last time took mature wa actually relationship actually completely fallen apart break time thinking though low self esteem ha caused issue anything barely get text never get hang really hurt anything every felt ha resulted thing never done feel ashamed caused take nicotine major issue resulting school work college burden rather something help sorry needed get stuff chest thing hope never see absolute gem want one much feel like hiding time doesnt want even deal anymore part give hope joy see class talk joke kiss good bye dont see another day alot pain see someone care much dissapear life like atleast feel way thinking sorry guy pickle feeling
I don’t want to...,"I dont want to call myself depressed, because I am happy sometimes 

I don’t want to say I’ve been emotionally abused, because it’s wasn’t as bad as others and I don’t remember most of it 

I don’t want to say my dad left, because I still talk to him but I haven’t seen him in almost a full year 

I don’t want to say I have anxiety, because I don’t have panic attacks anymore 

I don’t want to say I used to cut, because I only did it for a few months 

I don’t want to make people mad because my problems aren’t that bad, so I just keep my mouth shut. Until someone asks, then I let loose. Yet, it’s still not bad enough to be anything worth while....",whyaremytoeswet,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7qkq/i_dont_want_to/,dont want call depressed happy sometimes want say emotionally abused bad others remember want say dad left still talk seen almost full year want say anxiety panic attack anymore want say used cut month want make people mad problem bad keep mouth shut someone asks let loose yet still bad enough anything worth,want,toe wet,653,18,toe wet dont want call depressed happy sometimes want say emotionally abused bad others remember want say dad left still talk seen almost full year want say anxiety panic attack anymore want say used cut month want make people mad problem bad keep mouth shut someone asks let loose yet still bad enough anything worth want
Tired af.,Im just so tired with life. I wanna have a day off or just maybe kill myself. I am so not seeing the good in everything rn. I have been wanting to cry for a month but I just couldn't? I am so tired. Everything's just really tiring. I just want to cry.,caralehh,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7plg/tired_af/,im tired life wanna day maybe kill seeing good everything rn wanting cry month tired everything really tiring want cry,tired af,cara leh h,251,9,cara leh h im tired life wanna day maybe kill seeing good everything rn wanting cry month tired everything really tiring want cry tired af
I need advice!,"Hi, so my friend has depression and an eating disorder of some kind. I had depression last year but got out of it and last time I selfharmed was maybe 6 months ago. I and the few people that know about her problems have tried to help her and it helped a little but got bad again. She was one of my bestfriends but she makes me depressed and anxious now and I can’t handel it. But none of the people that she has told can really help her anymore because we are too exhausted and can’t risk our own health. She won’t get professional help and 70% of what she talks about is her bad eating habits or selfharm/depression.

She’s always too close to me and I have said to her that I need my personal space but she doesn’t seem to understand. I want to help her but It’s just too much right now. When we talked about her needing professional help she said that she got professional help but it got too busy just before she could get better. She ment me, I was the ”professional” help. I have been busy so I haven’t talked to her outside of school that much and I just feel like she tried to make me feel bad that she almost got better and then I got busy. Like I can’t use all my free time on you, I have my own problems and life too. She doesn’t respect my boundaries and I feel like she has gotten between me and my bestfriends. I feel like I’m a bad friend but I have to choose my health first. I need some space from her but I can’t get any. I need advice! But remember, if you are depressed please get help and talk to someone, it truly helps. This is why professional help is so good, friends can help to some extent but they aren’t professionals that know how to handel these things in the best way. I just have it hard because I’m still healing and it’s not good for me right now personally.

Sorry for bad grammar",1u1y,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1cbh/i_need_advice/,hi friend ha depression eating disorder kind depression last year got last time selfharmed wa maybe 6 month ago people know problem tried help helped little got bad wa one bestfriends make depressed anxious handel none people ha told really help anymore exhausted risk health get professional help 70 talk bad eating habit selfharm depression always close said need personal space seem understand want help much right talked needing professional help said got professional help got busy could get better ment wa professional help busy talked outside school much feel like tried make feel bad almost got better got busy like use free time problem life respect boundary feel like ha gotten bestfriends feel like bad friend choose health first need space get need advice remember depressed please get help talk someone truly help professional help good friend help extent professional know handel thing best way hard still healing good right personally sorry bad grammar,need advice,1 u 1,1816,14,1 u 1 hi friend ha depression eating disorder kind depression last year got last time selfharmed wa maybe 6 month ago people know problem tried help helped little got bad wa one bestfriends make depressed anxious handel none people ha told really help anymore exhausted risk health get professional help 70 talk bad eating habit selfharm depression always close said need personal space seem understand want help much right talked needing professional help said got professional help got busy could get better ment wa professional help busy talked outside school much feel like tried make feel bad almost got better got busy like use free time problem life respect boundary feel like ha gotten bestfriends feel like bad friend choose health first need space get need advice remember depressed please get help talk someone truly help professional help good friend help extent professional know handel thing best way hard still healing good right personally sorry bad grammar need advice
What should i do. I am sort of bullied at school.,"Hello i am a 12 year old dutch boy. I am the scilent smart kid in class that always get good grades butt also i am not the tipical nerd in class that doesnt do anything but learning no I am in 7th grade and I have a class that is called science but it what i do now is make anything over a bicicle to race with.(It is for the looks) I have a boy who also does that class and we are sort of friends. butt he makes comments like: ""Sytse (my name), You ruined everything."" I really dont like that sort of comments because i am soccially really unstable. I have been trough a lott the last couple of years because my little sister(3 years younger than me) was alway angry. That really effected me. Also other classmates will kick me and i know it is al yokes en stuff but i really dont like that and i haven't been happy for a long time. when i am home is it also always that i am really tired. The only things that give me energy are drawing alone locked up in my room and watching youtube wit h my earbuds in. it also doesnt help that my little sister is really adhd or something. i mean REALLY ADHD. it isnt normal. and i cant have any attention because she always has something my parents have to see. My parents are the best, dont get me wrong butt i really dont know what to do. also i havent shared this story to anyone ever. my parents tell me that i seem depressed. It hasnt been proved yet but i am just not happy all the time. Not in school, not at home. the only thing that gives me some sort of energy is drawing. i can do that all day long. 

well thanks for reading my story. i hope you can help me.

Ps: I am not super good at english.",Olijvje1,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdz995/what_should_i_do_i_am_sort_of_bullied_at_school/,hello 12 year old dutch boy scilent smart kid class always get good grade butt also tipical nerd class doesnt anything learning 7th grade class called science make anything bicicle race look boy also doe class sort friend butt make comment like sytse name ruined everything really dont like sort comment soccially really unstable trough lott last couple year little sister 3 year younger wa alway angry really effected also classmate kick know al yoke en stuff really dont like happy long time home also always really tired thing give energy drawing alone locked room watching youtube wit h earbuds also doesnt help little sister really adhd something mean really adhd isnt normal cant attention always ha something parent see parent best dont get wrong butt really dont know also havent shared story anyone ever parent tell seem depressed hasnt proved yet happy time school home thing give sort energy drawing day long well thanks reading story hope help p super good english,sort bullied school,oli j v je 1,1647,49,oli j v je 1 hello 12 year old dutch boy scilent smart kid class always get good grade butt also tipical nerd class doesnt anything learning 7th grade class called science make anything bicicle race look boy also doe class sort friend butt make comment like sytse name ruined everything really dont like sort comment soccially really unstable trough lott last couple year little sister 3 year younger wa alway angry really effected also classmate kick know al yoke en stuff really dont like happy long time home also always really tired thing give energy drawing alone locked room watching youtube wit h earbuds also doesnt help little sister really adhd something mean really adhd isnt normal cant attention always ha something parent see parent best dont get wrong butt really dont know also havent shared story anyone ever parent tell seem depressed hasnt proved yet happy time school home thing give sort energy drawing day long well thanks reading story hope help p super good english sort bullied school
How do i know if i have depression,probably a stupid question but i just wanna know because i feel like i’m getting close,eu168k,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1abk/how_do_i_know_if_i_have_depression/,probably stupid question wanna know feel like getting close,know depression,eu 168 k,86,34,eu 168 k probably stupid question wanna know feel like getting close know depression
Songs?,What some songs/artist that make make you feel better/happy when you feel depressed?,bluecub09,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7n7b/songs/,song artist make make feel better happy feel depressed,song,blue cub 09,84,6,blue cub 09 song artist make make feel better happy feel depressed song
I don’t feel depressed but I’m only eating 1 meal a day.,"I began losing control of when I eat in August due to job stress. I was losing control of everything in my life and this is the one thing I could. My therapist is/was aware and knows I go to the gym a lot and thinks it improved. 

I get hungry but literally ignore it,come home and eat around 7pm. Not enough. Maybe some chicken. I’m losing weight. 

I tried to break the cycle but I’m in a downward spiral.",cataskate,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe7lq2/i_dont_feel_depressed_but_im_only_eating_1_meal_a/,began losing control eat august due job stress wa losing control everything life one thing could therapist wa aware know go gym lot think improved get hungry literally ignore come home eat around 7pm enough maybe chicken losing weight tried break cycle downward spiral,feel depressed eating 1 meal day,cat skate,407,56,cat skate began losing control eat august due job stress wa losing control everything life one thing could therapist wa aware know go gym lot think improved get hungry literally ignore come home eat around 7pm enough maybe chicken losing weight tried break cycle downward spiral feel depressed eating 1 meal day
dumb ass school,my school went and fired the two ELSA therapists because apparently they are ‘redundant’ the school made up so many lies about them not helping anyone and that they were basically useless. i was on track to feeling better with my sessions with one of them but now they got fired and ive fallen back down the deep depression and self harm hole again i also have social anxiety and dont feel confident to see the therapist outside of school and i don’t feel confident talking to my parents. the lady I saw i had known since getting there and i felt comfortable talking to her and now i have no one. i honestly give up with school entirely as if your not feeling very mentally well today and put your head down off u pop for a lovely 24 hour vacation in solitary confinement the ‘learning hub’ fuck this shit,crafterpug,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe178t/dumb_ass_school/,school went fired two elsa therapist apparently redundant school made many lie helping anyone basically useless wa track feeling better session one got fired ive fallen back deep depression self harm hole also social anxiety dont feel confident see therapist outside school feel confident talking parent lady saw known since getting felt comfortable talking one honestly give school entirely feeling mentally well today put head u pop lovely 24 hour vacation solitary confinement learning hub fuck shit,dumb school,crafter pug,805,15,crafter pug school went fired two elsa therapist apparently redundant school made many lie helping anyone basically useless wa track feeling better session one got fired ive fallen back deep depression self harm hole also social anxiety dont feel confident see therapist outside school feel confident talking parent lady saw known since getting felt comfortable talking one honestly give school entirely feeling mentally well today put head u pop lovely 24 hour vacation solitary confinement learning hub fuck shit dumb school
How can I keep going on like this?,I feel like I’m dying every single day. I just can’t stop thinking. Every single time I make a mistake I can’t forgive myself and I spend hours each night thinking about it. I barely have any reasons to live. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry if I bothered you.,Inevitablehate,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4kmd/how_can_i_keep_going_on_like_this/,feel like dying every single day stop thinking every single time make mistake forgive spend hour night thinking barely reason live know anymore sorry bothered,keep going like,inevitable hate,270,34,inevitable hate feel like dying every single day stop thinking every single time make mistake forgive spend hour night thinking barely reason live know anymore sorry bothered keep going like
Feeling below average,"This feeling comes and goes and I usually keep it suppressed by submerging myself in mundane stuff. I am 34 years old and I have been dealing with these episodes of worthlessness since probably middle school. I grew up in a small rural town in Puerto Rico. I can’t say we all know each other, but everyone knows everyone else’s business. 

I  grew up in a  strict pentecostal family with many rules forced into my siblings and I. We used to go to church usually 7 days a week and on Sundays twice (Bible school in the morning and afternoon/evening service).  Secular music was prohibited and any tv material that was deemed “demonic” by the pastor. 

Of course, living in a pentecostal family made a huge impact on who I was from elementary school all the way until I decided to part ways with the faith later on in my 20s. I was so insecure about myself and tried super hard to fit in with the other kids. It was a challenge because I never felt understood by the others, mainly because I had nothing to relate with them. I was not allowed to listen to secular music or even go to the movies because of rules my mom enforced on all of us. 

That insecurity grew even stronger when entered high school, which of course was the worse years of my teenage years. There were so many things happening in my life at that moment that I thought in some weird way it was all normal. 

During the last years of elementary school my dad decided to distance himself from church. He became an alcoholic shortly after and everything went downhill from there. He multiple affairs that my mom was ware of and that didn’t turned out well for me. My mom became aggressive and depressed. I used to get hit for no reason that I can remember to this day.

I think she felt trapped because divorcing my father was not an option due to her fanaticism. My mom used to break stuff every day, scream and yell, stayed inside her room all day and praying for the most part. One positive thing I can say about her is that we were never hungry and somehow she always found ways to provide us with clothes and food. 

My dad disappeared for many months one time and I thought he gave up on us but specially on me. I felt so betrayed by him. My mom was also non-present in my life or school. My grades dropped drastically and I was bullied a lot at school for being alone the majority of the time. 

There is so much to say about everything that happened but, I thought I was over that and everything that happened. Today I am angry at my parents because how irresponsible they were with their kids. I compare myself to every one else around me and I feel like I should’ve had a better upbringing. I know it’s up to me know and they are no longer responsible but it still hurts me so much. 

I deal with my insecurities every day and that is something I’m never gonna be able to change. I compare myself a lot with everyone.  I tend to feel like a way lesser version of whoever I am comparing myself to. I’m going to therapy and that helps to a degree. I just wish I could find people or at least someone that can relate to this. 

If you read this far thanks and I apologize for the typos or grammar errors. I’ll do my best to fix them later.",maloatmath,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2jvc/feeling_below_average/,feeling come go usually keep suppressed submerging mundane stuff 34 year old dealing episode worthlessness since probably middle school grew small rural town puerto rico say know everyone know everyone else business grew strict pentecostal family many rule forced sibling used go church usually 7 day week sunday twice bible school morning afternoon evening service secular music wa prohibited tv material wa deemed demonic pastor course living pentecostal family made huge impact wa elementary school way decided part way faith later 20 wa insecure tried super hard fit kid wa challenge never felt understood others mainly nothing relate wa allowed listen secular music even go movie rule mom enforced u insecurity grew even stronger entered high school course wa worse year teenage year many thing happening life moment thought weird way wa normal last year elementary school dad decided distance church became alcoholic shortly everything went downhill multiple affair mom wa ware turned well mom became aggressive depressed used get hit reason remember day think felt trapped divorcing father wa option due fanaticism mom used break stuff every day scream yell stayed inside room day praying part one positive thing say never hungry somehow always found way provide u clothes food dad disappeared many month one time thought gave u specially felt betrayed mom wa also non present life school grade dropped drastically wa bullied lot school alone majority time much say everything happened thought wa everything happened today angry parent irresponsible kid compare every one else around feel like better upbringing know know longer responsible still hurt much deal insecurity every day something never gonna able change compare lot everyone tend feel like way lesser version whoever comparing going therapy help degree wish could find people least someone relate read far thanks apologize typo grammar error best fix later,feeling average,malo math,3211,21,malo math feeling come go usually keep suppressed submerging mundane stuff 34 year old dealing episode worthlessness since probably middle school grew small rural town puerto rico say know everyone know everyone else business grew strict pentecostal family many rule forced sibling used go church usually 7 day week sunday twice bible school morning afternoon evening service secular music wa prohibited tv material wa deemed demonic pastor course living pentecostal family made huge impact wa elementary school way decided part way faith later 20 wa insecure tried super hard fit kid wa challenge never felt understood others mainly nothing relate wa allowed listen secular music even go movie rule mom enforced u insecurity grew even stronger entered high school course wa worse year teenage year many thing happening life moment thought weird way wa normal last year elementary school dad decided distance church became alcoholic shortly everything went downhill multiple affair mom wa ware turned well mom became aggressive depressed used get hit reason remember day think felt trapped divorcing father wa option due fanaticism mom used break stuff every day scream yell stayed inside room day praying part one positive thing say never hungry somehow always found way provide u clothes food dad disappeared many month one time thought gave u specially felt betrayed mom wa also non present life school grade dropped drastically wa bullied lot school alone majority time much say everything happened thought wa everything happened today angry parent irresponsible kid compare every one else around feel like better upbringing know know longer responsible still hurt much deal insecurity every day something never gonna able change compare lot everyone tend feel like way lesser version whoever comparing going therapy help degree wish could find people least someone relate read far thanks apologize typo grammar error best fix later feeling average
There's nothing left for me.,"I feel horrible, but I don't have anyone to talk to. I can't tell anyone about how I feel, my friends abandoned me and nobody gives a crap about my feelings. I don't know what to do anymore. This pain is unbearable!",PixilKnight,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4has/theres_nothing_left_for_me/,feel horrible anyone talk tell anyone feel friend abandoned nobody give crap feeling know anymore pain unbearable,nothing left,pix il knight,215,28,pix il knight feel horrible anyone talk tell anyone feel friend abandoned nobody give crap feeling know anymore pain unbearable nothing left
"I'm scared of dying, and I think about it every single day","I'm just 18 but I'm terrorised when I think of death...
Are you like this too?",REDDI_T_USER,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2i71/im_scared_of_dying_and_i_think_about_it_every/,18 terrorised think death like,scared dying think every single day,red di user,78,58,red di user 18 terrorised think death like scared dying think every single day
No one gets it,I can’t complain because its not justified. I hate myself and this because it isn’t justified. It’s just the way I feel about half of the week. I need distractions but sometimes they don’t even work. My friends are beginning to call me snowflake now because I’ve been taking stuff that i didn’t used to take seriously seriously. And I’ve seen how they complain about other people so I can’t complain or talk to them. I know it sounds pathetic but reddit has been the only way I can talk about it because I can’t talk about it with anyone else. I’m a fucking pathetic piece of shit for this because I’m becoming a burden to everyone around me.,mrinactive,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4g5m/no_one_gets_it/,complain justified hate justified way feel half week need distraction sometimes even work friend beginning call snowflake taking stuff used take seriously seriously seen complain people complain talk know sound pathetic reddit ha way talk talk anyone else fucking pathetic piece shit becoming burden everyone around,one get,mr inactive,642,14,mr inactive complain justified hate justified way feel half week need distraction sometimes even work friend beginning call snowflake taking stuff used take seriously seriously seen complain people complain talk know sound pathetic reddit ha way talk talk anyone else fucking pathetic piece shit becoming burden everyone around one get
I dont want to die. But i dont wanna keep living.,"Ive been struggling with depression for the last 2 years and i dont want to keep living but i dont want to die i feel very alone and sad every day and it feels like theres only one way out. But i dont want to die. I dont expect anyone to care or understand what im feeling or understand what im going through. I just wanted to share this to see if i can feel less lonely for once. This is my cry for help.

I need help.",samuelamoylan,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvz9t/i_dont_want_to_die_but_i_dont_wanna_keep_living/,ive struggling depression last 2 year dont want keep living dont want die feel alone sad every day feel like one way dont want die dont expect anyone care understand im feeling understand im going wanted share see feel le lonely cry help need help,dont want die dont wanna keep living,samuel moy lan,419,49,samuel moy lan ive struggling depression last 2 year dont want keep living dont want die feel alone sad every day feel like one way dont want die dont expect anyone care understand im feeling understand im going wanted share see feel le lonely cry help need help dont want die dont wanna keep living
I feel like my life is going no where,"And I don’t know where to begin
Words used to come naturally 
And now they feel dead. 

So I’m not going to try. 

I don’t know where my life is going and I don’t know why I am here. Things seem to be spinning out of control and I just don’t know how to stop things from moving. I got fired from my job for being sick, for being chronically ill. I’m doing the best I can, and being sick never effected my work performance. I belong in a hospital — but not as a patient. I am supposed to be a nurse now—I am 24. I was dead set on nursing school from the time I was a little girl. I’m supposed to be making little kids laugh as chemo flows into their veins. But no. I have a port a cath myself and nursing school seems so far away. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know what is going on in my relationship ship. I don’t know what is going on with my body. I go to the Mayo Clinic in two weeks so they can see what the fuck is wrong with me. I just feel like I have no control and I don’t know which way to turn. I’m trying my hardest to get through. I feel like I have no direction. Next week I don’t have any work lined up and then the week after I go to mayo. Alone. And I am starting to freak out. I mean I have traveled alone before, many times. But this is different. I am going to be poked and prodded and scanned and all of these things and I’m scared. And I will be alone. My boyfriend, who lives with me, but am now in an open relationship with and he came out as bisexual recently and we are slowly drifting apart so he can see what living life as a bi/gay man is like, will experience what it is like to be alone. To be in the house without me. And I don’t know what I will come home to. And Jesus there is just so much going on my head hurts. K. Done rambling. I’m sad. I hate being sad.",poorpathology,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2fgy/i_feel_like_my_life_is_going_no_where/,know begin word used come naturally feel dead going try know life going know thing seem spinning control know stop thing moving got fired job sick chronically ill best sick never effected work performance belong hospital patient supposed nurse 24 wa dead set nursing school time wa little girl supposed making little kid laugh chemo flow vein port cath nursing school seems far away know know going relationship ship know going body go mayo clinic two week see fuck wrong feel like control know way turn trying hardest get feel like direction next week work lined week go mayo alone starting freak mean traveled alone many time different going poked prodded scanned thing scared alone boyfriend life open relationship came bisexual recently slowly drifting apart see living life bi gay man like experience like alone house without know come home jesus much going head hurt k done rambling sad hate sad,feel like life going,poor pathology,1802,37,poor pathology know begin word used come naturally feel dead going try know life going know thing seem spinning control know stop thing moving got fired job sick chronically ill best sick never effected work performance belong hospital patient supposed nurse 24 wa dead set nursing school time wa little girl supposed making little kid laugh chemo flow vein port cath nursing school seems far away know know going relationship ship know going body go mayo clinic two week see fuck wrong feel like control know way turn trying hardest get feel like direction next week work lined week go mayo alone starting freak mean traveled alone many time different going poked prodded scanned thing scared alone boyfriend life open relationship came bisexual recently slowly drifting apart see living life bi gay man like experience like alone house without know come home jesus much going head hurt k done rambling sad hate sad feel like life going
1-800,Are those calls you get saying you’re social security number is involved in suspicious activity bs for real? Because if it is fml..again and i don’t want to go to jury duty man fuck this. Fuck. Sorry.,lemonzz_zzz,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4b4h/1800/,call get saying social security number involved suspicious activity b real fml want go jury duty man fuck fuck sorry,1 800,lemon zz zzz,200,5,lemon zz zzz call get saying social security number involved suspicious activity b real fml want go jury duty man fuck fuck sorry 1 800
There is no rock bottom—just an endless abyss with ledges,It can always get better but it can always get worse too.,throaway8297338,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqsea/there_is_no_rock_bottomjust_an_endless_abyss_with/,always get better always get worse,rock bottom endless abyss ledge,thro away 8297338,57,57,thro away 8297338 always get better always get worse rock bottom endless abyss ledge
I want to have a good birthday for once,"Every year it seems something goes wrong or I'm alone on my birthday. In my twenties it feels like it's such a mundane thing to be upset over not having a good birthday. But I would just like one day where I can be happy, maybe even celebrate a little, because every other day the pit of self-loathing and misery gets a little bigger. I'd like to be able to spend it with friends that actually care about me, that put in more effort than the people you only hear from once a year when they post an apathetic ""happy birthday"" to your feed. I never realized how much not having friends could affect your mental state until I lost the ones I had. I should be happy today, I should be having fun, but instead I've withdrawn to inattentively watch Hulu while I keep thinking of everything I'd like to be able to share with a friend.",Thr0waway2042,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2b2h/i_want_to_have_a_good_birthday_for_once/,every year seems something go wrong alone birthday twenty feel like mundane thing upset good birthday would like one day happy maybe even celebrate little every day pit self loathing misery get little bigger like able spend friend actually care put effort people hear year post apathetic happy birthday feed never realized much friend could affect mental state lost one happy today fun instead withdrawn inattentively watch hulu keep thinking everything like able share friend,want good birthday,thr 0 w away 2042,827,39,thr 0 w away 2042 every year seems something go wrong alone birthday twenty feel like mundane thing upset good birthday would like one day happy maybe even celebrate little every day pit self loathing misery get little bigger like able spend friend actually care put effort people hear year post apathetic happy birthday feed never realized much friend could affect mental state lost one happy today fun instead withdrawn inattentively watch hulu keep thinking everything like able share friend want good birthday
I'm so lonely all the time.,I'm sitting here with a very strong desire to cry and I'm just trying to hold it in. I have no friends and I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.,FormerFruit,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe298y/im_so_lonely_all_the_time/,sitting strong desire cry trying hold friend want like rest life,lonely time,former fruit,160,27,former fruit sitting strong desire cry trying hold friend want like rest life lonely time
Turning 31 soon...is it worth trying to make something of myself?,"I'm almost 31 and a nurse. I own my own home in a capital city in Australia and have roughly 2/3 of the mortgage paid off. Despite these successes, I feel like a failure. I've pretty much lived my whole adult life in a way that is completely inauthentic to how I really feel inside. It's like I haven't let myself free in any way.

I always wanted to be a translator of Japanese, but I chose nursing because it was much more stable and I lacked confidence. In my early 20s I had an ED and I let guys use me for sex (I've only slept with 4 people but looking back I don't think I wanted to sleep with any of them). I used to have a nice slim figure but I've put on a few pounds from binge eating (not fat) and I'm working on losing it. I have pretty much no friends and don't really socialise outside work. I can't drive. I haven't had sex since I was 24. I've never had what you would call a proper, grown-up relationship.

I am thinking about learning a language in the hopes of changing career, but I feel like a total loser. Being 31, I feel like I'm 'over the hill' and there's no chance for me to become proficient in a skill or to succeed. I feel like no-one cares what I do, I could literally just live in my house with my cats getting fatter and fatter until I died. I seem to be obsessing over a guy who used me pretty badly at university who got married to a ballet dancer recently. I keep thinking, there's a quality woman, she's so talented, I'll never be talented like that. What's the point?

Basically I am in an anxious spiral...can anyone snap me out of this depressed thinking? I know I sound really pathetic and self-pitying, and that's because I am.",tokyospirit89,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdx6qy/turning_31_soonis_it_worth_trying_to_make/,almost 31 nurse home capital city australia roughly 2 3 mortgage paid despite success feel like failure pretty much lived whole adult life way completely inauthentic really feel inside like let free way always wanted translator japanese chose nursing wa much stable lacked confidence early 20 ed let guy use sex slept 4 people looking back think wanted sleep used nice slim figure put pound binge eating fat working losing pretty much friend really socialise outside work drive sex since wa 24 never would call proper grown relationship thinking learning language hope changing career feel like total loser 31 feel like hill chance become proficient skill succeed feel like one care could literally live house cat getting fatter fatter died seem obsessing guy used pretty badly university got married ballet dancer recently keep thinking quality woman talented never talented like point basically anxious spiral anyone snap depressed thinking know sound really pathetic self pitying,turning 31 soon worth trying make something,tokyo spirit 89,1669,65,tokyo spirit 89 almost 31 nurse home capital city australia roughly 2 3 mortgage paid despite success feel like failure pretty much lived whole adult life way completely inauthentic really feel inside like let free way always wanted translator japanese chose nursing wa much stable lacked confidence early 20 ed let guy use sex slept 4 people looking back think wanted sleep used nice slim figure put pound binge eating fat working losing pretty much friend really socialise outside work drive sex since wa 24 never would call proper grown relationship thinking learning language hope changing career feel like total loser 31 feel like hill chance become proficient skill succeed feel like one care could literally live house cat getting fatter fatter died seem obsessing guy used pretty badly university got married ballet dancer recently keep thinking quality woman talented never talented like point basically anxious spiral anyone snap depressed thinking know sound really pathetic self pitying turning 31 soon worth trying make something
wish someone would bring me chinese food and stroke my hair while i cry,"i am feeling very, very bad right now. suicidal i guess. more like passively wishing i would slip into death with no effort or suffering on my part. i’ve suffered enough. 

i feel like right now is the first time all week my brain has had to pause and process or actually feel something and it’s just aggressively hitting me with all the depression i’ve been stuffing down throughout the week when i didn’t have time for it. well, now i do. so here it is. 

i tried journaling. i ended up just listing ways i could kill myself right now while i’m home alone. (not gonna. wish i would, or could, but i won’t. not now). tried meditating. couldn’t focus on it or let the calm penetrate the surface. i looked at my dog and immediately started sobbing, thinking about him living without me. 

i wanted to get some fresh air and let him run around, so i let him outside and sat on the front steps. he ended up sitting right next to me. wouldn’t leave my side. i looked up and saw the moon (it was still daylight) and began crying again. my dog kept nudging me to keep a hand on him and pushing against me. it made me cry more. i talked aloud to the moon. to whatever is out there. to my late mom. begged whoever was listening to please just help me. ease the pain. do something. i do not want to do this anymore. 

sat there for a while and watched the moon move in the sky behind the bare tree branches. felt the cold air seep down to my bones. it felt good. felt good to feel something that wasn’t sadness. it calmed me down. at this point i just feel numb. back to autopilot, i guess. better than life-shatteringly sad, right? 

i wish i could tell someone “i’m feeling suicidal” and they’d drop everything to bring me chinese food and rub my back. without me saying another word. that’s what i want. ridiculous, right? but instead i tell people that and then push them away. or i don’t tell them at all. or i give subtle hints and they are completely ignored. 

actually, i wish the aid of other people would help me at all. i THINK having someone support me in this way or love me or kiss my wounds would fix it all, but it wouldn’t. i’m just terrified of the thought of dealing with this alone for another single second. i am terrified of myself. of my brain. of my sickness. my trauma. my darkness. i want someone else to come pick up all the pieces and feed me chinese food and rub my back while they do it. 

if only. 

*thanks for letting me air all this out although you got nothing out of it by reading it. that is, if you read this far at all. wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. xo",myeeeag,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe469h/wish_someone_would_bring_me_chinese_food_and/,feeling bad right suicidal guess like passively wishing would slip death effort suffering part suffered enough feel like right first time week brain ha pause process actually feel something aggressively hitting depression stuffing throughout week time well tried journaling ended listing way could kill right home alone gonna wish would could tried meditating focus let calm penetrate surface looked dog immediately started sobbing thinking living without wanted get fresh air let run around let outside sat front step ended sitting right next leave side looked saw moon wa still daylight began cry dog kept nudging keep hand pushing made cry talked aloud moon whatever late mom begged whoever wa listening please help ease pain something want anymore sat watched moon move sky behind bare tree branch felt cold air seep bone felt good felt good feel something sadness calmed point feel numb back autopilot guess better life shatteringly sad right wish could tell someone feeling suicidal drop everything bring chinese food rub back without saying another word want ridiculous right instead tell people push away tell give subtle hint completely ignored actually wish aid people would help think someone support way love kiss wound would fix terrified thought dealing alone another single second terrified brain sickness trauma darkness want someone else come pick piece feed chinese food rub back thanks letting air although got nothing reading read far blame xo,wish someone would bring chinese food stroke hair cry,eee ag,2587,71,eee ag feeling bad right suicidal guess like passively wishing would slip death effort suffering part suffered enough feel like right first time week brain ha pause process actually feel something aggressively hitting depression stuffing throughout week time well tried journaling ended listing way could kill right home alone gonna wish would could tried meditating focus let calm penetrate surface looked dog immediately started sobbing thinking living without wanted get fresh air let run around let outside sat front step ended sitting right next leave side looked saw moon wa still daylight began cry dog kept nudging keep hand pushing made cry talked aloud moon whatever late mom begged whoever wa listening please help ease pain something want anymore sat watched moon move sky behind bare tree branch felt cold air seep bone felt good felt good feel something sadness calmed point feel numb back autopilot guess better life shatteringly sad right wish could tell someone feeling suicidal drop everything bring chinese food rub back without saying another word want ridiculous right instead tell people push away tell give subtle hint completely ignored actually wish aid people would help think someone support way love kiss wound would fix terrified thought dealing alone another single second terrified brain sickness trauma darkness want someone else come pick piece feed chinese food rub back thanks letting air although got nothing reading read far blame xo wish someone would bring chinese food stroke hair cry
i felt like it was over but it never is,"i went to inpatient a couple weeks ago after staying out of hospitals for about a year, and this time i cried because i felt like i could finally move on and it was ""over"". i recognize that i will still have to maintain my habits and medicine but it felt like i could do that, not giving a fuck about myself was over. I got released a couple of days after that and it all felt apart. i'm failing my classes, i'm single now, i don't have friends, i got into a fight with my sister and now we don't talk, and i feel like shit all the time and i cant talk to anyone about it because i have no one. i feel like the only option is to kill myself. 
this is a throw away account but i would like some help maybe? maybe some reason to live or a goal because i dont really have any.",ellleeak,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0k7v/i_felt_like_it_was_over_but_it_never_is/,went inpatient couple week ago staying hospital year time cried felt like could finally move wa recognize still maintain habit medicine felt like could giving fuck wa got released couple day felt apart failing class single friend got fight sister talk feel like shit time cant talk anyone one feel like option kill throw away account would like help maybe maybe reason live goal dont really,felt like wa never,ell lee ak,773,39,ell lee ak went inpatient couple week ago staying hospital year time cried felt like could finally move wa recognize still maintain habit medicine felt like could giving fuck wa got released couple day felt apart failing class single friend got fight sister talk feel like shit time cant talk anyone one feel like option kill throw away account would like help maybe maybe reason live goal dont really felt like wa never
Reoccurring day dream.,I have a reoccurring day dream where I have to grab all my belongings and food and live in a room in my house for the rest of my life and I find it very hard to snap out of it. Normally it's the bathroom because it's the smallest room and my brain hates me. Even when I type this I get a boost of happy from my brain to tell me I'm a fucking liar idiot but if I delete it I would feel even stupider for wasting my time so I'm going to post it anyway.,Rhinestone_Cowboy_,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4134/reoccurring_day_dream/,reoccurring day dream grab belonging food live room house rest life find hard snap normally bathroom smallest room brain hate even type get boost happy brain tell fucking liar idiot delete would feel even stupider wasting time going post anyway,reoccurring day dream,rhinestone cowboy,450,22,rhinestone cowboy reoccurring day dream grab belonging food live room house rest life find hard snap normally bathroom smallest room brain hate even type get boost happy brain tell fucking liar idiot delete would feel even stupider wasting time going post anyway reoccurring day dream
Was I depressed?,"In 2014, I first entered university and encountered a lot of changes: new people, new environment, new classes, and so on.

At the time, I had a lot of acne, which prevented me from meeting people. Furthermore, I had an identity crisis and started asking fundamental questions of life such as: ""who am I? why am I here? where do I go?"", and constantly thought about life and death. I wanted to harm myself and other people because I was in such a lonely, miserable spot when everyone else looked so happy. This lasted a few months. 

In between, I picked up lifting weights, practiced meditation, and my acne cleared up. 

Fast forward 5 years, I am completely happy. I have good friends, a good relationship with my family, and I have a stable career. Since my environment improved, my negative thoughts subsided. But I know that depressions don't go away with time, and that's what I'm worried about. 

So was I suffering from clinical depression in 2014? Or was it just circumstantial thing?",qwt0520,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1ve0/was_i_depressed/,2014 first entered university encountered lot change new people new environment new class time lot acne prevented meeting people furthermore identity crisis started asking fundamental question life go constantly thought life death wanted harm people wa lonely miserable spot everyone else looked happy lasted month picked lifting weight practiced meditation acne cleared fast forward 5 year completely happy good friend good relationship family stable career since environment improved negative thought subsided know depression go away time worried wa suffering clinical depression 2014 wa circumstantial thing,wa depressed,q wt 0520,994,16,q wt 0520 2014 first entered university encountered lot change new people new environment new class time lot acne prevented meeting people furthermore identity crisis started asking fundamental question life go constantly thought life death wanted harm people wa lonely miserable spot everyone else looked happy lasted month picked lifting weight practiced meditation acne cleared fast forward 5 year completely happy good friend good relationship family stable career since environment improved negative thought subsided know depression go away time worried wa suffering clinical depression 2014 wa circumstantial thing wa depressed
So Lonely And Depressed,"Ever since my break up, I'm so lonely and depressed, if I did not have my son I wouldn't make it probably. I'm still in love with my ex and it hurts to be separated for six months. After six years what happened to it all. My family drives me nuts, in going to be so glad to get my own place soon. I'm about to break down in tears living crammed up with annoying family can be such a drag. I'm about to pull my hair out and break down in tears.",Content-Oven,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy7eq/so_lonely_and_depressed/,ever since break lonely depressed son make probably still love ex hurt separated six month six year happened family drive nut going glad get place soon break tear living crammed annoying family drag pull hair break tear,lonely depressed,content oven,443,23,content oven ever since break lonely depressed son make probably still love ex hurt separated six month six year happened family drive nut going glad get place soon break tear living crammed annoying family drag pull hair break tear lonely depressed
It gives me peace.,"It gives me peace to know that when it really is unbearable, I have the power to end it.
This thought gives me rest when I'm really anxious.

I know I can, although I won't now",nsjehebsj3me,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1pcf/it_gives_me_peace/,give peace know really unbearable power end thought give rest really anxious know although,give peace,n je b j 3,176,18,n je b j 3 give peace know really unbearable power end thought give rest really anxious know although give peace
Depression and the people who treat it,"I have to get this off my chest or I’m going to go off on someone. So as you can read back through my posts, I was doing Spravato for a very short time before my insurance pulled the rug out from me. Two weeks into it, that’s right - TWO WEEKS, Insurance comes back after pre-approving my treatment and says since I had not shown a 50% improvement they were denying any further treatments. Thanks for the warning fuckers! So of course my depression and anxiety dropped severely after this happened. Partly because of being pissed and irate and outright shocked about how they could even do this. And second, my body and mind didn’t care for how I just suddenly stopped treatments. So I’ve been on a downward spiral for about two weeks now. 
Well the clinic where I was having the treatments has not really got back to me and kind of dropped me like a bad habit now that they aren’t getting money from my insurance. When the lady called to tell me she said she would talk to the dr in charge of the program and ask him what he wanted to do. That was almost two weeks ago. I’ve spoke to her once since and tried calling several times with no call back. Like seriously ... What the fuck? You have someone who was telling you I was severely depressed and suicidal (enough to get approved for disability - which is not easy to do!) and you’re just gonna fucking ignore my calls and my concerns and let me go to the wayside? What happened to checking with the dr to ask him about a next step? Is that it? Is it just like - well no more Spravato for you so we are done dealing with you?! I’m fed the fuck up quite honestly. And after waiting all week since talking to her Monday, I’m going to call tomorrow and I’m asking to speak to a supervisor or someone in charge of that fucking place. Let me just add also that when I first contacted them to set up my initial appointment, it took almost two months before I got in there! That’s right! Two months! It was the beginning of December when I first called and someone was supposed to call me back and I waited and waited and finally called and went off asking them “do I have to say I’m suicidal before someone will take me seriously and call me back??” It was soon after I finally got in there but to me that’s a little ridiculous to think of making a suicidal person wait almost two months to start treatment or be evaluated. 
Between that and the insurance screwing me, I’m truly and utterly fed up. It makes me sick and pissed off how the system fails people like me and then they wonder why mental illness is such an issue and has such a stigma around it! Well no fucking wonder. If others are treated anything like I have been, and I have a feeling that many are, then I can see why people lose their shit and either end up killing them selves or others. Let me clarify - I’m NOT in any way condoning that behavior or saying it’s okay. I’m simply saying that it’s no wonder there’s such an issue with mental illness in this county. 
All that being said, where does one go from here? I’ve tried therapists, countless medicines, obviously the Spravato - all to come to this. To pretty much be treated as if my life means nothing and completely and utterly ignored! I hate to sound narcissistic, but god damn. My life should be just as important as anyone else’s. 
Here’s the conclusion I’ve pretty much come to in the last 24 hours. I have to stop depending on anyone to help me deal with this fucking sickness. I have to depend on myself to somehow get better. I am the only one who is here for me. Nobody else gives a fuck. Nobody. Why should they? They have nothing invested in me and I mean nothing. If they aren’t getting money from insurance then why bother even returning my phone call right? 
I don’t know. If this is what our society has come to, I seriously want no part of it anymore. It’s disgusting and I am to the point where I hate people in general. I know that sounds bad, but go back up and re-read my post if you really want to try to understand why I am starting to hate people. I wasn’t always this way. Yes, I’ve dealt with mental illness most my life in some capacity or another. But here in the last 5 years it has hit the absolute bottom of the bottom. I look back at times when I thought I was depressed before and I think to myself - I’d give anything to go back to that time and redo things. 
I don’t really have anything else to say. I’ve rambled on enough. I just had to get this all out in some way. If you made it to this and have read my whole post then thank you. You’ve shown more concern than the people who claimed to be there for me and deal with my depression - until the insurance money stopped coming.",fairysparkles333,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6svr/depression_and_the_people_who_treat_it/,get chest going go someone read back post wa spravato short time insurance pulled rug two week right two week insurance come back pre approving treatment say since shown 50 improvement denying treatment thanks warning fucker course depression anxiety dropped severely happened partly pissed irate outright shocked could even second body mind care suddenly stopped treatment downward spiral two week well clinic wa treatment ha really got back kind dropped like bad habit getting money insurance lady called tell said would talk dr charge program ask wanted wa almost two week ago spoke since tried calling several time call back like seriously fuck someone wa telling wa severely depressed suicidal enough get approved disability easy gonna fucking ignore call concern let go wayside happened checking dr ask next step like well spravato done dealing fed fuck quite honestly waiting week since talking monday going call tomorrow asking speak supervisor someone charge fucking place let add also first contacted set initial appointment took almost two month got right two month wa beginning december first called someone wa supposed call back waited waited finally called went asking say suicidal someone take seriously call back wa soon finally got little ridiculous think making suicidal person wait almost two month start treatment evaluated insurance screwing truly utterly fed make sick pissed system fails people like wonder mental illness issue ha stigma around well fucking wonder others treated anything like feeling many see people lose shit either end killing self others let clarify way condoning behavior saying okay simply saying wonder issue mental illness county said doe one go tried therapist countless medicine obviously spravato come pretty much treated life mean nothing completely utterly ignored hate sound narcissistic god damn life important anyone else conclusion pretty much come last 24 hour stop depending anyone help deal fucking sickness depend somehow get better one nobody else give fuck nobody nothing invested mean nothing getting money insurance bother even returning phone call right know society ha come seriously want part anymore disgusting point hate people general know sound bad go back read post really want try understand starting hate people always way yes dealt mental illness life capacity another last 5 year ha hit absolute bottom bottom look back time thought wa depressed think give anything go back time redo thing really anything else say rambled enough get way made read whole post thank shown concern people claimed deal depression insurance money stopped coming,depression people treat,fairy sparkle 333,4690,38,fairy sparkle 333 get chest going go someone read back post wa spravato short time insurance pulled rug two week right two week insurance come back pre approving treatment say since shown 50 improvement denying treatment thanks warning fucker course depression anxiety dropped severely happened partly pissed irate outright shocked could even second body mind care suddenly stopped treatment downward spiral two week well clinic wa treatment ha really got back kind dropped like bad habit getting money insurance lady called tell said would talk dr charge program ask wanted wa almost two week ago spoke since tried calling several time call back like seriously fuck someone wa telling wa severely depressed suicidal enough get approved disability easy gonna fucking ignore call concern let go wayside happened checking dr ask next step like well spravato done dealing fed fuck quite honestly waiting week since talking monday going call tomorrow asking speak supervisor someone charge fucking place let add also first contacted set initial appointment took almost two month got right two month wa beginning december first called someone wa supposed call back waited waited finally called went asking say suicidal someone take seriously call back wa soon finally got little ridiculous think making suicidal person wait almost two month start treatment evaluated insurance screwing truly utterly fed make sick pissed system fails people like wonder mental illness issue ha stigma around well fucking wonder others treated anything like feeling many see people lose shit either end killing self others let clarify way condoning behavior saying okay simply saying wonder issue mental illness county said doe one go tried therapist countless medicine obviously spravato come pretty much treated life mean nothing completely utterly ignored hate sound narcissistic god damn life important anyone else conclusion pretty much come last 24 hour stop depending anyone help deal fucking sickness depend somehow get better one nobody else give fuck nobody nothing invested mean nothing getting money insurance bother even returning phone call right know society ha come seriously want part anymore disgusting point hate people general know sound bad go back read post really want try understand starting hate people always way yes dealt mental illness life capacity another last 5 year ha hit absolute bottom bottom look back time thought wa depressed think give anything go back time redo thing really anything else say rambled enough get way made read whole post thank shown concern people claimed deal depression insurance money stopped coming depression people treat
Does anyone else feel alone even when surrounded by people?,"Things that didn't bother me in the past are now sending me into a deep depression. You know when you're talking to someone about something you're passionate about, but they just dont care? You know when that seems to happen with every interest and every person? Thats happening to me constantly lately. I guess it always did but I didnt think about it so hard in the past. Now it just makes me feel so alone. I can be talking and bubbly and I mention an interest and the person i'm talking to just nods in feign interest. If its over text its just stuff like ""wow"",  ""nice"",  ""lol"",  ""cool"". You can just tell they arent interested because as soon as the topic changes they are so much more involved. Honestly its making me feel so bitter, it feels like no one cares enough to try and get involved with the interests which mean the most to me. I can be surrounded by people but I feel so alone because I know no one cares. I know no one cares about me. No one cares about my interests. Honestly its just gotten really sad. Out of context this can sound so selfish but I just compare it to myself - when I know someone I love is deeply interested in something I try my hardest to see what they see when they look at it. I even try to get into it myself. Whereas I bring anything up about myself and they say one worded responses just trying to get me to move on. I don't know. It just sucks I guess.",donttellanyone444,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtaps/does_anyone_else_feel_alone_even_when_surrounded/,thing bother past sending deep depression know talking someone something passionate dont care know seems happen every interest every person thats happening constantly lately guess always didnt think hard past make feel alone talking bubbly mention interest person talking nod feign interest text stuff like wow nice lol cool tell arent interested soon topic change much involved honestly making feel bitter feel like one care enough try get involved interest mean surrounded people feel alone know one care know one care one care interest honestly gotten really sad context sound selfish compare know someone love deeply interested something try hardest see see look even try get whereas bring anything say one worded response trying get move know suck guess,doe anyone else feel alone even surrounded people,dont tell anyone 444,1399,59,dont tell anyone 444 thing bother past sending deep depression know talking someone something passionate dont care know seems happen every interest every person thats happening constantly lately guess always didnt think hard past make feel alone talking bubbly mention interest person talking nod feign interest text stuff like wow nice lol cool tell arent interested soon topic change much involved honestly making feel bitter feel like one care enough try get involved interest mean surrounded people feel alone know one care know one care one care interest honestly gotten really sad context sound selfish compare know someone love deeply interested something try hardest see see look even try get whereas bring anything say one worded response trying get move know suck guess doe anyone else feel alone even surrounded people
I hate my life and the only escape is drugs,"I’ve been struggling with these feelings since i was 11. Everyone told me it would get better, but it never did. I got rejected from my dream university and my second choice today, that left me completely crushed. Fucking getting straight As for twelve years, spending your time  working your ass off to exhaustion doing volunteering , dragging your body to SAT practice everyday for 9 hours a day, the  fucking perfect essay and for what? I dont care anymore I’ve spent my entire life trying to be perfect which caused my depression in first place and where did it get me? I don’t care anymore, I’m not going to try anymore the only thing I wanna do is overdose and die alone in my room.",snifulik,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxcjd/i_hate_my_life_and_the_only_escape_is_drugs/,struggling feeling since wa 11 everyone told would get better never got rejected dream university second choice today left completely crushed fucking getting straight twelve year spending time working exhaustion volunteering dragging body sat practice everyday 9 hour day fucking perfect essay dont care anymore spent entire life trying perfect caused depression first place get care anymore going try anymore thing wanna overdose die alone room,hate life escape drug,sni ful ik,688,43,sni ful ik struggling feeling since wa 11 everyone told would get better never got rejected dream university second choice today left completely crushed fucking getting straight twelve year spending time working exhaustion volunteering dragging body sat practice everyday 9 hour day fucking perfect essay dont care anymore spent entire life trying perfect caused depression first place get care anymore going try anymore thing wanna overdose die alone room hate life escape drug
Online Counselling Experience Questionnaire [Approved by Moderators] *8 Participants left needed! <3,"Have you ever used online counselling in the form of asynchronous responses, such as email or others? If so, we are looking for your insight. If you are interested in contributing your opinion, please click on the following link to access the questionnaire: [Online Counselling Experience Questionnaire](https://forms.gle/KK12mr77LRhFFpqE9)

* Anonymous responses
* Will help with development and applications of online counselling
* Time: 5-10 Min depending on the detail you will like to provide

Thank you!",andyresponds,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3nhw/online_counselling_experience_questionnaire/,ever used online counselling form asynchronous response email others looking insight interested contributing opinion please click following link access questionnaire online counselling experience questionnaire http form gle kk12mr77lrhffpqe9 anonymous response help development application online counselling time 5 10 min depending detail like provide thank,online counselling experience questionnaire approved moderator 8 participant left needed lt 3,andy responds,509,103,andy responds ever used online counselling form asynchronous response email others looking insight interested contributing opinion please click following link access questionnaire online counselling experience questionnaire http form gle kk12mr77lrhffpqe9 anonymous response help development application online counselling time 5 10 min depending detail like provide thank online counselling experience questionnaire approved moderator 8 participant left needed lt 3
Welcome to another day in Depressionville,"Cheers to celebrating another day packed with no activities, sleeping a lot, not wanting to do anything, not being interested in anything, and staring at the ceiling watching the paint dry.",RenRyderRites,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1ltv/welcome_to_another_day_in_depressionville/,cheer celebrating another day packed activity sleeping lot wanting anything interested anything staring ceiling watching paint dry,welcome another day depressionville,ren ryder rite,189,41,ren ryder rite cheer celebrating another day packed activity sleeping lot wanting anything interested anything staring ceiling watching paint dry welcome another day depressionville
I cant take anymore,"The stress, the boredom, anxiety, adhd, the feeling of not want to do anythinf at all. I cant take it anymore and i cant escape. I lost all my friend, i lost my life i just dont know what to do now.",baggiedragee,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3n86/i_cant_take_anymore/,stress boredom anxiety adhd feeling want anythinf cant take anymore cant escape lost friend lost life dont know,cant take anymore,bag gie drag ee,198,19,bag gie drag ee stress boredom anxiety adhd feeling want anythinf cant take anymore cant escape lost friend lost life dont know cant take anymore
I feel no motivation to do anything anymore,"I don't feel like eating, sleeping, working, playing games, etc. All my friend's do is harass and bully me so they're no help. I just wish life would go on without me",Throwaway32414111111,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3m0k/i_feel_no_motivation_to_do_anything_anymore/,feel like eating sleeping working playing game etc friend harass bully help wish life would go without,feel motivation anything anymore,throwaway 32414111111,166,43,throwaway 32414111111 feel like eating sleeping working playing game etc friend harass bully help wish life would go without feel motivation anything anymore
Can't Trust My Girrlfriend When I'm Depressed,"Hello all, 

Using a throwaway account, but I frequent this sub on my main account. Anyway, I need some advice. I can't trust my girlfriend when I'm depressed. The both of us deal with anxiety and depression, but she doesnt seem to get me when I'm depressed. Don't get me wrong, we both have our faults, but we always do our best to understand each other and walk through hard times with one another. However,  the last two times that I have been very depressed, she ended up pushing me away when I needed her the most. About a month ago she got very upset with me that she walked over to me and angrily accused me of not showing enough attention to our relationship. I had a family member pass just a few weeks before, and I think it was finally getting to me. I apologized, told her that I'm depressed, saying that I wish I could be doing better. I told her that I was depressed and she walked away, angry, slamming the door behind her. The person that I love the most turned her back on me when I needed her the most. I went for a walk, we messaged each other, and she asked me to come back. She was crying so much, I felt bad. She felt terrible for not listening to me. This wasn't the first time that something like this has happened though. When I am depressed, she pushes me away. Besides this, my girlfriend is incredibly loving, thoughtful, creative in our relationship, and sacrifices so much for us. But this, this hurts so fucking bad. 

Reddit, have you experienced something similar? Where do you turn when you're depressed? Have you talked to your SO about this and have you fixed it? 

tl;dr My very loving girlfriend pushes me away when I'm depressed, don't know what to do or where to go when I'm feeling like this.",DepressionInParadise,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3jty/cant_trust_my_girrlfriend_when_im_depressed/,hello using throwaway account frequent sub main account anyway need advice trust girlfriend depressed u deal anxiety depression doesnt seem get depressed get wrong fault always best understand walk hard time one another however last two time depressed ended pushing away needed month ago got upset walked angrily accused showing enough attention relationship family member pas week think wa finally getting apologized told depressed saying wish could better told wa depressed walked away angry slamming door behind person love turned back needed went walk messaged asked come back wa cry much felt bad felt terrible listening first time something like ha happened though depressed push away besides girlfriend incredibly loving thoughtful creative relationship sacrifice much u hurt fucking bad reddit experienced something similar turn depressed talked fixed tl dr loving girlfriend push away depressed know go feeling like,trust girrlfriend depressed,depression paradise,1733,45,depression paradise hello using throwaway account frequent sub main account anyway need advice trust girlfriend depressed u deal anxiety depression doesnt seem get depressed get wrong fault always best understand walk hard time one another however last two time depressed ended pushing away needed month ago got upset walked angrily accused showing enough attention relationship family member pas week think wa finally getting apologized told depressed saying wish could better told wa depressed walked away angry slamming door behind person love turned back needed went walk messaged asked come back wa cry much felt bad felt terrible listening first time something like ha happened though depressed push away besides girlfriend incredibly loving thoughtful creative relationship sacrifice much u hurt fucking bad reddit experienced something similar turn depressed talked fixed tl dr loving girlfriend push away depressed know go feeling like trust girrlfriend depressed
"I was dead years ago, I'm just catching up","I give up.  I have been over life since I was a teenager and I'm not doing a good enough job hiding it anymore.  My boss even pulled me aside with concerns. 


""When I was interviewing you you had the best interview I'd ever seen. Where is that guy? You miss work, you're emotional, you have lost all your passion"" 

My mother can't even talk to me without me going into tears over being the worst son ever. She hasn't said anything to that effect but does notes that I'm not eating. Not doing anything anymore. When I'm off work I end up spending hours just staring at the walls and I'll find myself crying although I don't know what for. She doesn't visit my home as often anymore.

I feel like I'm starting to slip and it's too much. When I could hide it it was fine because I didn't have to explain anything to anyone, but having people ask me directly why I'm malnourished and lost a lot of weight is leading to outbursts I can't control anymore.  

I was keeping it together pretty well for about 30 years but in the last 2 years my entire friend groupEnded up moving away or finding their own lives all at about the same timeAnd since then I've not really had any contact With other people outside of work 
. I'm glad I was able to keep it together until everyone found their own happiness so I avoided being a burden to them. so I feel like it's as good a time as any to have me just quietly disappear
 I don't know how to tell everybody that the guy that they thought they knew was an act and never existed in the 1st place. I feel darker and darker thoughts more and more often lately and I would honestly be terrified to actually hurt somebody else. And I guess I just wish that there was some safe in easy way out of life because I don't really deserve it.  

Who could possibly go through another 30 years of this shit? How is it that I am the crazy one for not wanting that? 

When people have used up all they had it's less ethical to make those people stay alive than to let us go.",melancholia5280,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3hun/i_was_dead_years_ago_im_just_catching_up/,give life since wa teenager good enough job hiding anymore bos even pulled aside concern wa interviewing best interview ever seen guy miss work emotional lost passion mother even talk without going tear worst son ever said anything effect doe note eating anything anymore work end spending hour staring wall find cry although know visit home often anymore feel like starting slip much could hide wa fine explain anything anyone people ask directly malnourished lost lot weight leading outburst control anymore wa keeping together pretty well 30 year last 2 year entire friend groupended moving away finding life timeand since really contact people outside work glad wa able keep together everyone found happiness avoided burden feel like good time quietly disappear know tell everybody guy thought knew wa act never existed 1st place feel darker darker thought often lately would honestly terrified actually hurt somebody else guess wish wa safe easy way life really deserve could possibly go another 30 year shit crazy one wanting people used le ethical make people stay alive let u go,wa dead year ago catching,melancholia 5280,1997,42,melancholia 5280 give life since wa teenager good enough job hiding anymore bos even pulled aside concern wa interviewing best interview ever seen guy miss work emotional lost passion mother even talk without going tear worst son ever said anything effect doe note eating anything anymore work end spending hour staring wall find cry although know visit home often anymore feel like starting slip much could hide wa fine explain anything anyone people ask directly malnourished lost lot weight leading outburst control anymore wa keeping together pretty well 30 year last 2 year entire friend groupended moving away finding life timeand since really contact people outside work glad wa able keep together everyone found happiness avoided burden feel like good time quietly disappear know tell everybody guy thought knew wa act never existed 1st place feel darker darker thought often lately would honestly terrified actually hurt somebody else guess wish wa safe easy way life really deserve could possibly go another 30 year shit crazy one wanting people used le ethical make people stay alive let u go wa dead year ago catching
Identity and being suicidal,"My problem started about 4 years ago.  Generally, I am a calm person - an introvert (more ambivalent), I liked being with myself, I liked to help, I was quite specific, very empathetic, although I stayed with other normal cool people.  I couldn't be a dick.
 Over time, I noticed that I stand out.  Others went somewhere, spent time, etc. Problems started in high school when it came to partying, crazy outings.  Everyone snapped, told their exits as if it was unknown.  And I didn't have anyone but one friend.  I found that something was wrong with me and I began to change.  I wanted to reprogram, upload other more extroverted software.  At that time I had a completely distorted picture of reality.  And for example - I have always been balanced and did not make quick, ill-considered decisions.  Seeing that others don't do it, I suppressed it and added it to my new ""software"".  Seeing that others do not respond immediately to the huts also so began to do.  These small, seemingly low risk examples have changed me.  There were plenty of them.  I did so with everything.  I know it's sick but it was so.  I began to think what other people's lives were like.  I wanted to experience these beautiful moments that I heard and told them myself.  It lasted a long time.  My current personality was changed.  I copied every behavior and thinking patterns of the ""better"" ones I took an example of. After half a year, I got depressed. I felt terrible. Memory loss, pits. I realized what I had done and wanted to unprogram. I began to think, I analyzed my personality a lot  , what should change, how to behave and feel. I tried to remember my previous identity. I had so many copied habits that I didn't know how to behave, feel, think. I didn't feel like myself, as if unreal, in a dream, without contact  with feelings, emotions.
 The situation continues to this day.  I do not know who I am.  I don't feel anything, I don't feel myself.
 The only thing keeping me alive is the awareness that it used to be good and it's all in my head.  I often have thoughts of suicide.
 I have sick thoughts - I classify people according to their qualities that are useful and not, I divide people into better and worse.  I do not feel anything.
 Not once during these 4 years did I feel alive.  No sadness, no shot of joy, no intense feeling.
 He constantly compares himself to others.  I do not know how to be myself - I look at others, I wonder what they feel, how they think, what chances I would face against them.  The psychologist and therapy did nothing.  Now he keeps in touch with a psychologist who tells me to stop thinking and follow my feelings
 I try to do it but I still want to write it.  I feel lost.  The only thing keeping me alive is reason.  Nothing else.  He tells me he thinks it all.  I don't remember what it's like to be happy.  I do not know who I am.
 Thank you for reading and advice.",justguylol,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3hoe/identity_and_being_suicidal/,problem started 4 year ago generally calm person introvert ambivalent liked liked help wa quite specific empathetic although stayed normal cool people dick time noticed stand others went somewhere spent time etc problem started high school came partying crazy outing everyone snapped told exit wa unknown anyone one friend found something wa wrong began change wanted reprogram upload extroverted software time completely distorted picture reality example always balanced make quick ill considered decision seeing others suppressed added new software seeing others respond immediately hut also began small seemingly low risk example changed plenty everything know sick wa began think people life like wanted experience beautiful moment heard told lasted long time current personality wa changed copied every behavior thinking pattern better one took example half year got depressed felt terrible memory loss pit realized done wanted unprogram began think analyzed personality lot change behave feel tried remember previous identity many copied habit know behave feel think feel like unreal dream without contact feeling emotion situation continues day know feel anything feel thing keeping alive awareness used good head often thought suicide sick thought classify people according quality useful divide people better worse feel anything 4 year feel alive sadness shot joy intense feeling constantly compare others know look others wonder feel think chance would face psychologist therapy nothing keep touch psychologist tell stop thinking follow feeling try still want write feel lost thing keeping alive reason nothing else tell think remember like happy know thank reading advice,identity suicidal,guy lol,2904,27,guy lol problem started 4 year ago generally calm person introvert ambivalent liked liked help wa quite specific empathetic although stayed normal cool people dick time noticed stand others went somewhere spent time etc problem started high school came partying crazy outing everyone snapped told exit wa unknown anyone one friend found something wa wrong began change wanted reprogram upload extroverted software time completely distorted picture reality example always balanced make quick ill considered decision seeing others suppressed added new software seeing others respond immediately hut also began small seemingly low risk example changed plenty everything know sick wa began think people life like wanted experience beautiful moment heard told lasted long time current personality wa changed copied every behavior thinking pattern better one took example half year got depressed felt terrible memory loss pit realized done wanted unprogram began think analyzed personality lot change behave feel tried remember previous identity many copied habit know behave feel think feel like unreal dream without contact feeling emotion situation continues day know feel anything feel thing keeping alive awareness used good head often thought suicide sick thought classify people according quality useful divide people better worse feel anything 4 year feel alive sadness shot joy intense feeling constantly compare others know look others wonder feel think chance would face psychologist therapy nothing keep touch psychologist tell stop thinking follow feeling try still want write feel lost thing keeping alive reason nothing else tell think remember like happy know thank reading advice identity suicidal
This is the end,"I have nothing to say, other than this is the end.",Ultralan_Pasalan,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3gbi/this_is_the_end/,nothing say end,end,ultra lan pa alan,50,15,ultra lan pa alan nothing say end end
I’m struggling,Everyone at work is against each other. I’ve been trying to be a happy medium for weeks and it’s all turned to shit. I’m tired of it. I ready for peace again. Peace = you know,Gingerluke85,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3g15/im_struggling/,everyone work trying happy medium week turned shit tired ready peace peace know,struggling,ginger luke 85,175,14,ginger luke 85 everyone work trying happy medium week turned shit tired ready peace peace know struggling
I need your advice,"I feel tired. Nothing brings me a joy. I lost all my fucking hobbies. I started smoking a lot. I have alcoholic dad, he often lies, also he borrowing my money, but never give them me back. Luckily, my mom isn't such an alcoholic, but she also drinks a lot. I remember, when i was a child, my parents often dont have money to buy tge food, so i used to visit my grandma, and take some food from her, to feed me and my younger brothers. i remember, once my dad came back home, so drunk, that he beated my mother,and btoke a glass door. There were a fucktone of blood.It was sticky and smelled horrible. When i was 13 i was raped by my drunk dad. Nobody knows about it. Also 2 months ago,i found a gf, but she broke with the me up. Also she was amphetamine addicted. She was mentally unstable. She had a lot of overdose. Honestly I miss her. I feel like i don't have future. I was born because condom ripped, and anti pregnant tablets wasn't working. I feel useless. I live in a small town in Western Ukraine. My town is a fucking shithole of the Europe. In 1 year i will be graduating, but i don't know where I want to study.",pekelniydrochun,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvg5o/i_need_your_advice/,feel tired nothing brings joy lost fucking hobby started smoking lot alcoholic dad often lie also borrowing money never give back luckily mom alcoholic also drink lot remember wa child parent often dont money buy tge food used visit grandma take food feed younger brother remember dad came back home drunk beated mother btoke glass door fucktone blood wa sticky smelled horrible wa 13 wa raped drunk dad nobody know also 2 month ago found gf broke also wa amphetamine addicted wa mentally unstable lot overdose honestly miss feel like future wa born condom ripped anti pregnant tablet working feel useless live small town western ukraine town fucking shithole europe 1 year graduating know want study,need advice,pek el ni yd ro chun,1123,18,pek el ni yd ro chun feel tired nothing brings joy lost fucking hobby started smoking lot alcoholic dad often lie also borrowing money never give back luckily mom alcoholic also drink lot remember wa child parent often dont money buy tge food used visit grandma take food feed younger brother remember dad came back home drunk beated mother btoke glass door fucktone blood wa sticky smelled horrible wa 13 wa raped drunk dad nobody know also 2 month ago found gf broke also wa amphetamine addicted wa mentally unstable lot overdose honestly miss feel like future wa born condom ripped anti pregnant tablet working feel useless live small town western ukraine town fucking shithole europe 1 year graduating know want study need advice
I'm on the point of doing something bad,"hi

i'm alone

My Friends gave up on me, and my family doesn't give a damn anymore about my situation

Im done.

I bought a rope to hang myself.

But i'm a coward.",TPinkman,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3ct8/im_on_the_point_of_doing_something_bad/,hi alone friend gave family give damn anymore situation im done bought rope hang coward,point something bad,pink man,163,39,pink man hi alone friend gave family give damn anymore situation im done bought rope hang coward point something bad
Beauty and the Beast but I'm the Beast?,"My partner is the most happy, positive, loving person in the world. I have never met anyone like him, he's so special and he makes me feel things I've never felt before. But it kills me how much shit I put him through all the time. He sees me when I'm depressed and it hurts him, and I lash out on him because I'm not feeling well and I have mood swings. And somehow it bothers me even more that he doesn't mind, he doesn't get offended or angry, I could be absolutely horrible to him and he would just show me endless love and try to comfort me and reassure me he's where he wants to be.

I know I should be happy, but it bothers me so much. I'm constantly tormented by feeling like an awful person for doing mean things to someone so amazing. A little voice in my head never stops telling me he deserves better and I would be doing him a favour if I broke up with him. Yeah, he would be hurt for a little while, but he'd get over me and then he could find someone who treats him the way he should be treated. I wish I could treat him right but I feel like I have no control over my mood swings.

There's also a selfish part of me that thinks I would feel better if I broke up with him and didn't have to feel so guilty all the time. I feel like I'm going to end up ruining him, he's so positive and he brightens up every room he's in, but what if my sadness rubs off on him? I'd be hurt too if we split up but I deserve that, he doesn't deserve a monster like me.

That's it, I just kind of wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading :)",Tasty-Painting,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3c5p/beauty_and_the_beast_but_im_the_beast/,partner happy positive loving person world never met anyone like special make feel thing never felt kill much shit put time see depressed hurt lash feeling well mood swing somehow bother even mind get offended angry could absolutely horrible would show endless love try comfort reassure want know happy bother much constantly tormented feeling like awful person mean thing someone amazing little voice head never stop telling deserves better would favour broke yeah would hurt little get could find someone treat way treated wish could treat right feel like control mood swing also selfish part think would feel better broke feel guilty time feel like going end ruining positive brightens every room sadness rub hurt split deserve deserve monster like kind wanted get chest thanks reading,beauty beast beast,tasty painting,1547,39,tasty painting partner happy positive loving person world never met anyone like special make feel thing never felt kill much shit put time see depressed hurt lash feeling well mood swing somehow bother even mind get offended angry could absolutely horrible would show endless love try comfort reassure want know happy bother much constantly tormented feeling like awful person mean thing someone amazing little voice head never stop telling deserves better would favour broke yeah would hurt little get could find someone treat way treated wish could treat right feel like control mood swing also selfish part think would feel better broke feel guilty time feel like going end ruining positive brightens every room sadness rub hurt split deserve deserve monster like kind wanted get chest thanks reading beauty beast beast
Kinda desperate. I'm fed up with being depressed.,"So I tell myself that I'm fed up with life. Cuz this is all life is offering me, for the past 2 years: Pain.

I keep telling myself that I don't care about life. 

I just wanna be either happy, or dead. 

G-D! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK OF YOU?!

SERIOUSLY. He could do everything, and he controls my every thought, speech, and action. YET HE CAN'T SEE THAT I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE?!

I fully believe in G-D, till my dying breath.
Yet who knows how soon that will be...",Munky7,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3btu/kinda_desperate_im_fed_up_with_being_depressed/,tell fed life cuz life offering past 2 year pain keep telling care life wanna either happy dead g much ask seriously could everything control every thought speech action yet see handle anymore fully believe g till dying breath yet know soon,kinda desperate fed depressed,munk 7,468,49,munk 7 tell fed life cuz life offering past 2 year pain keep telling care life wanna either happy dead g much ask seriously could everything control every thought speech action yet see handle anymore fully believe g till dying breath yet know soon kinda desperate fed depressed
I no longer fear death as much as I used to due to not enjoying life,"I used to fear death and have hypochondria. I guess I loved life so much that the prospect of losing it all was terrifying.

But now my life is so dull that I probably wouldn't lose as much if I died. I still fear death and the darkness of it all, but the fear has taken a backseat.

Is this a slippery slope towards suicidal thoughts? I'm not suicidal and couldn't imagine myself being suicidal.",FreeSkeptic,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6fkl/i_no_longer_fear_death_as_much_as_i_used_to_due/,used fear death hypochondria guess loved life much prospect losing wa terrifying life dull probably lose much died still fear death darkness fear ha taken backseat slippery slope towards suicidal thought suicidal imagine suicidal,longer fear death much used due enjoying life,free skeptic,396,68,free skeptic used fear death hypochondria guess loved life much prospect losing wa terrifying life dull probably lose much died still fear death darkness fear ha taken backseat slippery slope towards suicidal thought suicidal imagine suicidal longer fear death much used due enjoying life
I have to let him go.,"Our relationship was the best up until the 19th of February. I let my insecurities, fears and depression get me and I overwhelmed him. I drove him away and now it feels like we dont know each other. all our conversations are one sided. I haven't seen him for weeks except for the two times I asked to talk to him. I'm in a worse state and the only way I can win him back is to get stronger but I cant. every day I come home, lay on my bed, stare at the wall, cry and remember this all my fault. He's a good person and he doesn't deserve someone ruining his happiness. today I'm preparing myself to let him go. I love him with all my heart but I cant stand it anymore. I want to get stronger but I just cant. All my friends dont know about it because I dont want to overwhelm them like how I did with him. Again, I felt alone. And I hated it. Why couldnt I be happy like 2 months ago? Why did this sadness come back? This is much stronger than what I felt for the past 11 years. Buy when the day comes where we part. I dont think I'll ever truly be myself. I made myself worse. And I just let it happen.  I keep making myself worse. I hate myself for that. I really want it to work out, but maybe it's too late for that. the damage is done.",ThirdLunarEye,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3bk6/i_have_to_let_him_go/,relationship wa best 19th february let insecurity fear depression get overwhelmed drove away feel like dont know conversation one sided seen week except two time asked talk worse state way win back get stronger cant every day come home lay bed stare wall cry remember fault good person deserve someone ruining happiness today preparing let go love heart cant stand anymore want get stronger cant friend dont know dont want overwhelm like felt alone hated couldnt happy like 2 month ago sadness come back much stronger felt past 11 year buy day come part dont think ever truly made worse let happen keep making worse hate really want work maybe late damage done,let go,third lunar eye,1239,21,third lunar eye relationship wa best 19th february let insecurity fear depression get overwhelmed drove away feel like dont know conversation one sided seen week except two time asked talk worse state way win back get stronger cant every day come home lay bed stare wall cry remember fault good person deserve someone ruining happiness today preparing let go love heart cant stand anymore want get stronger cant friend dont know dont want overwhelm like felt alone hated couldnt happy like 2 month ago sadness come back much stronger felt past 11 year buy day come part dont think ever truly made worse let happen keep making worse hate really want work maybe late damage done let go
I feel like nothing matters anymore,"I'm starting to feel like nothing matters anymore and i want to die, my ""friends"" just make fun of me for no reason and nothing feels like a meaning anymore, I feel like just lying in bed all day and do nothing. I was it would all end",Throwaway32414111111,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe17vd/i_feel_like_nothing_matters_anymore/,starting feel like nothing matter anymore want die friend make fun reason nothing feel like meaning anymore feel like lying bed day nothing wa would end,feel like nothing matter anymore,throwaway 32414111111,234,35,throwaway 32414111111 starting feel like nothing matter anymore want die friend make fun reason nothing feel like meaning anymore feel like lying bed day nothing wa would end feel like nothing matter anymore
Went to a psychiatrist,"This morning my mom took me to a psychiatrist appointment I’ve been waiting for for months. Immediately, he began questioning why I was there when I had good grades in school and seemed fine. Also asked if I was restless all the time and I said yes, and he told me no I wasn’t because I wasn’t fidgeting at that point (even though I was shaking and playing with my Kleenex) Then my mom mentioned the eating disorder clinic I’ve been going to and he asked my bmi and I’m not allowed to know it, so he made me stand up and started patting me down to get a “feel for my weight”. By this point I was crying and he just continued to make me feel like I was faking it or shouldn’t be there. It took me 6 years to speak up about this and now I’m regretting it because I always feared I would be told that I was overreacting or faking it. Was uncomfortable the whole time too because he was sitting with like less than a metre between us and. I have to go see him again in a few weeks and I’m so terrified, I’m still crying and it’s been 3 hours. I’m sure this isn’t most psychiatrists, so I don’t want to scare others away from help, but I just wanted to talk about my experience and get it off my chest.",tay5uh,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe17sz/went_to_a_psychiatrist/,morning mom took psychiatrist appointment waiting month immediately began questioning wa good grade school seemed fine also asked wa restless time said yes told fidgeting point even though wa shaking playing kleenex mom mentioned eating disorder clinic going asked bmi allowed know made stand started patting get feel weight point wa cry continued make feel like wa faking took 6 year speak regretting always feared would told wa overreacting faking wa uncomfortable whole time wa sitting like le metre u go see week terrified still cry 3 hour sure psychiatrist want scare others away help wanted talk experience get chest,went psychiatrist,tay 5 uh,1197,22,tay 5 uh morning mom took psychiatrist appointment waiting month immediately began questioning wa good grade school seemed fine also asked wa restless time said yes told fidgeting point even though wa shaking playing kleenex mom mentioned eating disorder clinic going asked bmi allowed know made stand started patting get feel weight point wa cry continued make feel like wa faking took 6 year speak regretting always feared would told wa overreacting faking wa uncomfortable whole time wa sitting like le metre u go see week terrified still cry 3 hour sure psychiatrist want scare others away help wanted talk experience get chest went psychiatrist
The countdown continues,"(Read my previous post to this subreddit for context) 

***TW suicidal ideation***

I've got 318 days left until I turn 25... life hasn't gotten any better, a few things have potential to look up, but my depression and anxiety are definitely winning the battle. I fantasize about my own suicide daily. I daydream about different ways I might die/be killed. I intend to keep my promise to wait until I'm 25 even though I doubt she remembers the promise and we haven't even talked in forever, but man does life genuinely fucking suck. Honestly not much is going to pull me totally off this track at this point... so if I don't decide to vent on here again for a while, ttfn",KhakiestKhakis,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe17f9/the_countdown_continues/,read previous post subreddit context tw suicidal ideation got 318 day left turn 25 life gotten better thing potential look depression anxiety definitely winning battle fantasize suicide daily daydream different way might die killed intend keep promise wait 25 even though doubt remembers promise even talked forever man doe life genuinely fucking suck honestly much going pull totally track point decide vent ttfn,countdown continues,khaki est khaki,671,23,khaki est khaki read previous post subreddit context tw suicidal ideation got 318 day left turn 25 life gotten better thing potential look depression anxiety definitely winning battle fantasize suicide daily daydream different way might die killed intend keep promise wait 25 even though doubt remembers promise even talked forever man doe life genuinely fucking suck honestly much going pull totally track point decide vent ttfn countdown continues
I went out for breakfast.,"It has been months since I’ve seen the sun or ate food around others. I bought my ma some food and we walked around and saw some birds. It was nice. I didn’t think I could feel this light in my heart. I always feel like I’m the dark heavy looming presence and im tense all the time, yknw just that depressed kid?? The sun was good for me. At least for an hour or two. I hope you will feel that lightness too.",rarespinach69,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe151n/i_went_out_for_breakfast/,ha month since seen sun ate food around others bought food walked around saw bird wa nice think could feel light heart always feel like dark heavy looming presence im tense time yknw depressed kid sun wa good least hour two hope feel lightness,went breakfast,rare spinach 69,408,25,rare spinach 69 ha month since seen sun ate food around others bought food walked around saw bird wa nice think could feel light heart always feel like dark heavy looming presence im tense time yknw depressed kid sun wa good least hour two hope feel lightness went breakfast
Do I even want help?,"I reached out yesterday... I called 111. I needed to. But now, am I glad I did or do I regret it?

 Depression at varying degrees has been my state of existence for so long, I don't know who I am without it. Yes, I have good times that are not as bad... But they are short-lived. Fleeting.

I last had medical help a few years ago. Therapy and meds helped. Therapy ended... Then I missed an appointment for a med check and I don't reschedule when that happens... I don't want to waste anyone's time.

My state was tolerable. Manageable. I stopped self harming more than a year and a half ago. I'm proud of that, even if that long stretch came from a bad relapse... I don't want to ruin it now. I really don't.

The thing is, my mental state has been deteriorating over the past few months... Year? More? I don't even know... Occasional thoughts of hurting myself I can ignore and move on from. But they, like the happy times, are usually fleeting. As are worse thoughts. Now... It's persistent. And fighting it is exhausting. Reached a point yesterday where I honestly did not feel safe. So I called. 111 put me onto the rapid response team. Had a meeting today. Have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Have to see them ever day for a little under two weeks.

But that doesn't stop the thoughts... I feel guilty because I feel like I'm taking valuable resources away from someone else who needs them. But I'm also worried... I lose chunks of time... My memory is crap and I can forget things minutes later sometimes (it's intermittent)... I have no energy or drive to do... Anything... I can't focus on conversations and constantly have to ask people to repeat themselves. I've been getting persistent chest pains and my vision is just... Weird. I can't explain completely. And I'm constantly fighting the need to do... Something. I need to hurt. But I can't let myself. And it's exhausting.

So all these strategies coming in and I keep asking myself... I don't even want help. Or do I? I don't know. I know I reached out and I know I can't keep doing this without professional help. My SO also can't keep up with this... He isn't a professional and it's so unfair to him. I want to be better for him as well as... I just want to be normal... To function. But all this outside help. It feels like too much, too fast... It would be easier to just... Not... To continue to exist and let whatever will happen just happen...",Hanxa13,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe381z/do_i_even_want_help/,reached yesterday called 111 needed glad regret depression varying degree ha state existence long know without yes good time bad short lived fleeting last medical help year ago therapy med helped therapy ended missed appointment med check reschedule happens want waste anyone time state wa tolerable manageable stopped self harming year half ago proud even long stretch came bad relapse want ruin really thing mental state ha deteriorating past month year even know occasional thought hurting ignore move like happy time usually fleeting worse thought persistent fighting exhausting reached point yesterday honestly feel safe called 111 put onto rapid response team meeting today doctor appointment tomorrow see ever day little two week stop thought feel guilty feel like taking valuable resource away someone else need also worried lose chunk time memory crap forget thing minute later sometimes intermittent energy drive anything focus conversation constantly ask people repeat getting persistent chest pain vision weird explain completely constantly fighting need something need hurt let exhausting strategy coming keep asking even want help know know reached know keep without professional help also keep professional unfair want better well want normal function outside help feel like much fast would easier continue exist let whatever happen happen,even want help,han x 13,2419,20,han x 13 reached yesterday called 111 needed glad regret depression varying degree ha state existence long know without yes good time bad short lived fleeting last medical help year ago therapy med helped therapy ended missed appointment med check reschedule happens want waste anyone time state wa tolerable manageable stopped self harming year half ago proud even long stretch came bad relapse want ruin really thing mental state ha deteriorating past month year even know occasional thought hurting ignore move like happy time usually fleeting worse thought persistent fighting exhausting reached point yesterday honestly feel safe called 111 put onto rapid response team meeting today doctor appointment tomorrow see ever day little two week stop thought feel guilty feel like taking valuable resource away someone else need also worried lose chunk time memory crap forget thing minute later sometimes intermittent energy drive anything focus conversation constantly ask people repeat getting persistent chest pain vision weird explain completely constantly fighting need something need hurt let exhausting strategy coming keep asking even want help know know reached know keep without professional help also keep professional unfair want better well want normal function outside help feel like much fast would easier continue exist let whatever happen happen even want help
Mental Health Podcast,"Hey everyone I just wanted to share my mental health podcast with everyone hope this helps someone out there 😊

https://open.spotify.com/show/3kvuXQ7w7usCTZUx7faIIM?si=XdCQyWGVR1mz5nDvtOzdrw",Majestic-Whole,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvb08/mental_health_podcast/,hey everyone wanted share mental health podcast everyone hope help someone http open spotify com show 3kvuxq7w7usctzux7faiim si xdcqywgvr1mz5ndvtozdrw,mental health podcast,majestic whole,190,21,majestic whole hey everyone wanted share mental health podcast everyone hope help someone http open spotify com show 3kvuxq7w7usctzux7faiim si xdcqywgvr1mz5ndvtozdrw mental health podcast
I keep getting messed up thoughts,"1. I want to run in an open field and when I'm done someone with cold hands and a warm smile will choke me to death so I can hear a snap

2.A dark room with someone sitting in the corner

3.I want to carve my face for some reason",Whywhywhy20,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6ayc/i_keep_getting_messed_up_thoughts/,1 want run open field done someone cold hand warm smile choke death hear snap 2 dark room someone sitting corner 3 want carve face reason,keep getting messed thought,20,229,33,20 1 want run open field done someone cold hand warm smile choke death hear snap 2 dark room someone sitting corner 3 want carve face reason keep getting messed thought
What was your experience with the suicide hotline like?,I'm considering calling a hotline and want to hear other people's experiences with them.,the-greatest-paninis,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe35ca/what_was_your_experience_with_the_suicide_hotline/,considering calling hotline want hear people experience,wa experience suicide hotline like,greatest panini,88,55,greatest panini considering calling hotline want hear people experience wa experience suicide hotline like
Can you od on advil?,"I just took 1600mg of advil, I'm 220lbs and 14y/o
At this point I dont really care anymore.  I just wanna know if I should write a note and send a couple snapchats or not",im_sry_bro,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe69f2/can_you_od_on_advil/,took 1600mg advil 220lbs 14y point dont really care anymore wanna know write note send couple snapchats,od advil,im ry bro,170,20,im ry bro took 1600mg advil 220lbs 14y point dont really care anymore wanna know write note send couple snapchats od advil
Don't give up(From a random neet),"You are special, unique, don't let anyone say otherwise, i've always been a neet, but i found a very incredible person, that help me see the world with hope in my eyes, something that i never did.

​

Found a hobby, anything at all, sports, games, books, talking to yourself, whenever you start to having bad   thoughts , remember the one thing you love to do.

​

Even if you're alone now, don't depend on someone to ""save you"", become your own HERO, that person took a long time to appear in my life, but before her, i was already becoming a better person, she just put me in a shotcut to that.

​

Sorry for my bad english, good luck on your life.",Yatsuji,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe64cp/dont_give_upfrom_a_random_neet/,special unique let anyone say otherwise always neet found incredible person help see world hope eye something never amp x200b found hobby anything sport game book talking whenever start bad thought remember one thing love amp x200b even alone depend someone save become hero person took long time appear life wa already becoming better person put shotcut amp x200b sorry bad english good luck life,give random neet,ya tsuji,683,33,ya tsuji special unique let anyone say otherwise always neet found incredible person help see world hope eye something never amp x200b found hobby anything sport game book talking whenever start bad thought remember one thing love amp x200b even alone depend someone save become hero person took long time appear life wa already becoming better person put shotcut amp x200b sorry bad english good luck life give random neet
I've finally accepted that I'm a fucking failure.,"I'm at my 3rd job in my field out of grad. The first lasted 3 months before they told me it wasn't working out, the second lasted 7 months before they told me I was slipping, and this one just ended today with a phone call at a mere 2 months. I don't know if I can make myself go on. I don't know where else to go, my skills weren't good enough, and it was a specialized field. I was too quiet for something too client-oriented and it translated to having terrible communication skills that I can't get over. My peers are all going to hear about this, it's a small field and you tend to see everyone in the same industry at conferences, two of them worked at that first job and are heavy gossipers and they'll probably tell everyone there what happened and they'll feel that happy schadenfreude that I was a fucking failure, another piece of conversation fodder to laugh about. I have my other classmates on social media and they post about how great it is to be in that field, and some of them share the same interests as I do so I'll likely run into them again at fan-related events. They say that you shouldn't care about what other people think but easier said than done. I can't face them again and I can't face myself either. The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that the options I've run through in my brain haven't been ideal, painless or with a high success rate as well as my cowardice so I guess I'll still be miserably alive until I find something suitable.",niricia,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe63p8/ive_finally_accepted_that_im_a_fucking_failure/,3rd job field grad first lasted 3 month told working second lasted 7 month told wa slipping one ended today phone call mere 2 month know make go know else go skill good enough wa specialized field wa quiet something client oriented translated terrible communication skill get peer going hear small field tend see everyone industry conference two worked first job heavy gossiper probably tell everyone happened feel happy schadenfreude wa fucking failure another piece conversation fodder laugh classmate social medium post great field share interest likely run fan related event say care people think easier said done face face either thing keeping alive fact option run brain ideal painless high success rate well cowardice guess still miserably alive find something suitable,finally accepted fucking failure,nir ici,1476,49,nir ici 3rd job field grad first lasted 3 month told working second lasted 7 month told wa slipping one ended today phone call mere 2 month know make go know else go skill good enough wa specialized field wa quiet something client oriented translated terrible communication skill get peer going hear small field tend see everyone industry conference two worked first job heavy gossiper probably tell everyone happened feel happy schadenfreude wa fucking failure another piece conversation fodder laugh classmate social medium post great field share interest likely run fan related event say care people think easier said done face face either thing keeping alive fact option run brain ideal painless high success rate well cowardice guess still miserably alive find something suitable finally accepted fucking failure
I’m having a lot of trouble accepting my self sexually and being happy,"have been feeling incredibly self conscious, depressed and terrible about my own self and my self as a sexual being. I constantly compare myself sexually with other partners my s/o has had Bc she will talk about them (not trying to hurt me) but I am so extremely self conscious that I can’t even masturbate. It’s enough to ruin my day sometimes and even bleed into other parts of my life and relationships. I feel so terribly low that I don’t feel the love from my s/o even though she tries her hardest. I love her and want to propose but I can’t do that right now Bc of how im feeling. I want to feel loved and not so bad about myself. I can’t seem to find a direction in life either and don’t know or have any idea of what my future will look like. I’m at a point of giving up and I don’t know what to do to even help myself. I’ve tried medicines and therapy for over 2 years but it’s just not helped me for some reason. Is there anything you guys could share with me on how I can help myself?",Burnt_Pennies,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2tsa/im_having_a_lot_of_trouble_accepting_my_self/,feeling incredibly self conscious depressed terrible self self sexual constantly compare sexually partner ha bc talk trying hurt extremely self conscious even masturbate enough ruin day sometimes even bleed part life relationship feel terribly low feel love even though try hardest love want propose right bc im feeling want feel loved bad seem find direction life either know idea future look like point giving know even help tried medicine therapy 2 year helped reason anything guy could share help,lot trouble accepting self sexually happy,burnt penny,995,70,burnt penny feeling incredibly self conscious depressed terrible self self sexual constantly compare sexually partner ha bc talk trying hurt extremely self conscious even masturbate enough ruin day sometimes even bleed part life relationship feel terribly low feel love even though try hardest love want propose right bc im feeling want feel loved bad seem find direction life either know idea future look like point giving know even help tried medicine therapy 2 year helped reason anything guy could share help lot trouble accepting self sexually happy
My dog just pulled me out of a funk,"Hi guys. I've been struggling with a relapse into severe depression for the last couple of months. I've been seeing a psychiatrist who has changed me onto new meds, and I'm slowly starting to come good, but the last couple of days I've been in a deep funk, just not interested in doing anything, not eating, barely talking. I've spent most of my time in bed, or watching youtube, or both. I don't know if it's the change in meds (probably) or what, but I wanted to share a ridiculous moment I just had. 

My dog (a 5yo kelpie named Max) walked into my room, and nudged his butt against my knee like he does when he wants pats. I wasn't feeling it, and nudged him away. He came back, sat down on my foot, and let rip with a huge fart. Right on my foot. I started laughing - I haven't laughed in the last couple of days - and I kept laughing for a solid five minutes. I opened the window to clear the air (also haven't opened the window in the last couple of days) and all of a sudden the funk was over. It was like he poured cold water over my head and my vision cleared. I'm sitting at my desk in the fresh air, still smiling, and about to start on some uni work I have to get a jump on.  Max is napping on my bed like the champion he is.

Things can be so dark for so long that it can be hard to imagine anything different. I don't know what your version of your dog farting on your foot is, but when it comes, try to let it pull you out of the funk. I'm not well yet, and probably won't be back to normal for another month or so, but I'm getting there.",clairewil,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5zer/my_dog_just_pulled_me_out_of_a_funk/,hi guy struggling relapse severe depression last couple month seeing psychiatrist ha changed onto new med slowly starting come good last couple day deep funk interested anything eating barely talking spent time bed watching youtube know change med probably wanted share ridiculous moment dog 5yo kelpie named max walked room nudged butt knee like doe want pat feeling nudged away came back sat foot let rip huge fart right foot started laughing laughed last couple day kept laughing solid five minute opened window clear air also opened window last couple day sudden funk wa wa like poured cold water head vision cleared sitting desk fresh air still smiling start uni work get jump max napping bed like champion thing dark long hard imagine anything different know version dog farting foot come try let pull funk well yet probably back normal another month getting,dog pulled funk,claire wil,1554,35,claire wil hi guy struggling relapse severe depression last couple month seeing psychiatrist ha changed onto new med slowly starting come good last couple day deep funk interested anything eating barely talking spent time bed watching youtube know change med probably wanted share ridiculous moment dog 5yo kelpie named max walked room nudged butt knee like doe want pat feeling nudged away came back sat foot let rip huge fart right foot started laughing laughed last couple day kept laughing solid five minute opened window clear air also opened window last couple day sudden funk wa wa like poured cold water head vision cleared sitting desk fresh air still smiling start uni work get jump max napping bed like champion thing dark long hard imagine anything different know version dog farting foot come try let pull funk well yet probably back normal another month getting dog pulled funk
I feel so useless and worthless,"I've stopped my friends from killing themselves a total of seven times. But I feel like it doesn't even matter..

Maybe if I was a better friend, they would feel better.",CreatureWarrior,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0ouj/i_feel_so_useless_and_worthless/,stopped friend killing total seven time feel like even matter maybe wa better friend would feel better,feel useless worthless,creature warrior,169,31,creature warrior stopped friend killing total seven time feel like even matter maybe wa better friend would feel better feel useless worthless
How to get out of this Hole of regret?,I’m 26. I feel swallowed in regret & Shame. It keeps nagging me to reconnect with old friends & associates. I haven’t spoke to them in over a decade. I genuinely care about their well being but for some reason it’ll feel fake of me. I can’t enjoy the present with my family & friends. I get bored or lose interest & will feel sad out of nowhere. Anybody been through this? Or know how to move forward?,Izzy_300,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2s1p/how_to_get_out_of_this_hole_of_regret/,26 feel swallowed regret amp shame keep nagging reconnect old friend amp associate spoke decade genuinely care well reason feel fake enjoy present family amp friend get bored lose interest amp feel sad nowhere anybody know move forward,get hole regret,izzy 300,417,38,izzy 300 26 feel swallowed regret amp shame keep nagging reconnect old friend amp associate spoke decade genuinely care well reason feel fake enjoy present family amp friend get bored lose interest amp feel sad nowhere anybody know move forward get hole regret
Totally burned out and extrem depressed,"So im going to tell you a „little“ about my Situation. I am usually a pretty happy Person. I like doing fun Things like going out with Friends who ive known pretty much all my life (im 23 ) and i have a passion which Is Film making. But Since i started with school even at a Young age i always had Problems concentrating and focusing at School it just isnt for me because I don’t see the benefits from it. I also think the school system is extremly outdated. Last September I started my education ( I live in Germany and the English word for ausbildung translates to education.. ) I work in a world known firm which im not going to name because of a couple of reasons which aren’t related to my problem though. I would say it’s pretty fun because all of my co workers and bosses are pretty nice and always want me to succeed and do good. I’m also pretty good at this job. Even though I got a lot for me going in this particular job I don’t really see me self working in this job for the rest of my life. I’d rather make a living doing films. But I could imagine working for a few years while working for my dream and that’s not a problem. But school is a major problem for me (in Germany you have to go to school while being in Vocational training, another word for the German word Ausbildung) it’s not that easy and I am literally crying everyday that I come from school ( School is 2 times a week ) I can’t concentrate well in school and I miss a lot of school material while trying to focus on a topic. When I have to write an exam I become depressed as f*ck from Studying. Everytime I Imagine working or having school I have suicidal thoughts and can’t get out of my bed for days sometimes. These thoughts are sometimes so bad, I imagine myself to end it all.. I also have a girlfriend which is my biggest supporter and the best human you could ever imagine. She gives everything trying to cheer me up and help me with my problems while working a 9 to 5 job. We want to marry and this is why I even got this job. Because of cultural reasons her family won’t let her get married unless her future husband gets a “secured” Vocational training in case something happens in life that I have something to fall back on. Me and her have the same outlook on this “cultured” living, it’s f*ckin stupid. I can understand her parents as well but it’s just that I am at a totally burned out point in my life that I can’t get motivated to finish this all. I don’t know what I can do to make my life easier.",[deleted],0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0no3/totally_burned_out_and_extrem_depressed/,im going tell little situation usually pretty happy person like fun thing like going friend ive known pretty much life im 23 passion film making since started school even young age always problem concentrating focusing school isnt see benefit also think school system extremly outdated last september started education live germany english word ausbildung translates education work world known firm im going name couple reason related problem though would say pretty fun co worker boss pretty nice always want succeed good also pretty good job even though got lot going particular job really see self working job rest life rather make living film could imagine working year working dream problem school major problem germany go school vocational training another word german word ausbildung easy literally cry everyday come school school 2 time week concentrate well school miss lot school material trying focus topic write exam become depressed f ck studying everytime imagine working school suicidal thought get bed day sometimes thought sometimes bad imagine end also girlfriend biggest supporter best human could ever imagine give everything trying cheer help problem working 9 5 job want marry even got job cultural reason family let get married unless future husband get secured vocational training case something happens life something fall back outlook cultured living f ckin stupid understand parent well totally burned point life get motivated finish know make life easier,totally burned extrem depressed,deleted,2497,39,deleted im going tell little situation usually pretty happy person like fun thing like going friend ive known pretty much life im 23 passion film making since started school even young age always problem concentrating focusing school isnt see benefit also think school system extremly outdated last september started education live germany english word ausbildung translates education work world known firm im going name couple reason related problem though would say pretty fun co worker boss pretty nice always want succeed good also pretty good job even though got lot going particular job really see self working job rest life rather make living film could imagine working year working dream problem school major problem germany go school vocational training another word german word ausbildung easy literally cry everyday come school school 2 time week concentrate well school miss lot school material trying focus topic write exam become depressed f ck studying everytime imagine working school suicidal thought get bed day sometimes thought sometimes bad imagine end also girlfriend biggest supporter best human could ever imagine give everything trying cheer help problem working 9 5 job want marry even got job cultural reason family let get married unless future husband get secured vocational training case something happens life something fall back outlook cultured living f ckin stupid understand parent well totally burned point life get motivated finish know make life easier totally burned extrem depressed
"Days Like Today are the Days I wonder what the point is to carry on... :,(","I didn't sleep for shit again last night. Since I started taking Cymbalta, I have been having insomnia, even when I take melatonin. I miss sleep so much. Restful sleep... and my sex drive... thats just fucking gone. 

Work sucked so much today. One of the managers has an axe to grind with me it seems like and questioned what I was doing. I have been working for this company for almost four years and I know what I am doing. Then when I answered him he went and followed up with the other person to make sure I was telling the truth. I have never been dishonest with anyone at work so that really pissed me off and hurt my feelings. I am so tired of not being trusted. I once got accused of stealing $5k at a credit union I worked at long ago. I was never charged because I didn't do it and they couldn't prove it. I didn't do it and I don't know if they ever found out who did but it caused me a lot of hurt and grief. It is one of the worst feelings having everyone think you are something, like a theif, when you are far from it. I am still trying to lose that 50 pounds I gained from that bout of depression. I think my managers bullshit today stirred that shit up. 

I am simply exisiting today. I hurt everywhere. I dont feel like there really is any point to life anymore. I havent been happy for a long time. Ive tried medication. Ive been staying active om top of my already incredibly phyiscal job (i work in a warehouse). I dont have many friends anymore... my family is super negative.... im very much just going through the  motions and i ak so tired of it. I dont know how to be happy anymore. :,(",boopedya,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2m8p/days_like_today_are_the_days_i_wonder_what_the/,sleep shit last night since started taking cymbalta insomnia even take melatonin miss sleep much restful sleep sex drive thats fucking gone work sucked much today one manager ha axe grind seems like questioned wa working company almost four year know answered went followed person make sure wa telling truth never dishonest anyone work really pissed hurt feeling tired trusted got accused stealing 5k credit union worked long ago wa never charged prove know ever found caused lot hurt grief one worst feeling everyone think something like theif far still trying lose 50 pound gained bout depression think manager bullshit today stirred shit simply exisiting today hurt everywhere dont feel like really point life anymore havent happy long time ive tried medication ive staying active om top already incredibly phyiscal job work warehouse dont many friend anymore family super negative im much going motion ak tired dont know happy anymore,day like today day wonder point carry,boo pedy,1613,74,boo pedy sleep shit last night since started taking cymbalta insomnia even take melatonin miss sleep much restful sleep sex drive thats fucking gone work sucked much today one manager ha axe grind seems like questioned wa working company almost four year know answered went followed person make sure wa telling truth never dishonest anyone work really pissed hurt feeling tired trusted got accused stealing 5k credit union worked long ago wa never charged prove know ever found caused lot hurt grief one worst feeling everyone think something like theif far still trying lose 50 pound gained bout depression think manager bullshit today stirred shit simply exisiting today hurt everywhere dont feel like really point life anymore havent happy long time ive tried medication ive staying active om top already incredibly phyiscal job work warehouse dont many friend anymore family super negative im much going motion ak tired dont know happy anymore day like today day wonder point carry
Maybe its for the best that I don't live anymore,"I am almost 40, on disability morbidly obese and can't lose weight no matter how hard I try.   I am almost 40, with nothing but a 500 dollar laptop that my neighbor gave me that is falling apart and only worth around 70 if that. a pair of shoes that are falling apart and hurt when I walk in them. about a dozen worn-out socks and a few shirts and pants all black. mostly sweat pants and two pairs of blue jeans and a worn-out wallet that is falling apart on me. 

I am on disability getting less than 800$ USD a month and have no educational background no GED was homeless for over 8 years and have bad teeth because of it. some need fixing and one needs a new crown. I wasn't taught dental hygiene until I became homeless and even then brushing and flossing was the least of my worries. it was more of getting food and trying to survive. 

I spent the past few years trying to get my GED and failed even with tutors and teachers and study groups found out I have learning issues that make it hard for me to get my GED and I basically have to go from the 2nd and 3rd grade to 12th grade in every subject.

I have no family, no friends. I am utterly alone in this world. Bought a car two years ago was my first car and was planning on living in it but got scammed out of 3k. been trying to save again for another car to live in but been unable to. 

Renting a bedroom from an elderly woman with bad health and she is going in for surgery today if she doesn't make it I will be homeless again nowhere to live and unable to survive being homeless this time. My body has arthritis in my lower back, rheumatoid arthritis in my knees and feet. there's days that I just can't get out of bed because of it hurting so badly. there is no way I can survive being on the streets again.

I feel like complete and utter crap especially compared to everyone else and now realizing how worthless I am in life and maybe it is for the best I just don't live anymore. I have nothing in this world to live for other than myself and even then I don't care to do that anymore. nothing in my life will get better. 

I applied for HUD housing and was supposed to move into my own apartment after 7 years of waiting on the list for over 40 hud housing I got accepted to one but I couldn't make it there as I had no money to get there or for first months rent, downpayment, or to have the lights turned on. 

I spent the past ten years trying to better my life but only to get knocked down every time I get up. For example. saved 3 to 4 years up to 3k and bought my first car then got scammed by the dealership. Resaved money up to 900 dollars then needed two teeth pulled which cost 450 each after tax which drained my 900 I had saved last month after almost a year of saving. Then I got called up for my first apartment ever and couldn't get there. 

Two years ago needed eye surgery to remove a cataract in my right eye and now need it done in my left eye but the Dr refuses and now Texas is doing this Real ID stuff where you need a star on your driver license and in order to do that I need an eye exam and I will most likely fail it and lose my driver license because of the cataract in my left eye so there goes the driver license and there goes getting a car to live in. 

Spent years trying to get my GED only to fail it every time I try. spent the past eight years in the dating scene only to get rejected by women over my weight and told I am worthless and have nothing to offer a relationship or just downright mocked at and laughed at over my weight.

I got the cataracts in my eyes from taking Androgel testosterone medication because I have very low testosterone and I am on thyroid meds because my thyroid is basically dead and when they gave the max dose I lost 45 lbs in 8 months with absolutely no changes to my diet or daily routine but then gained it back a year later..

I just literally can't take anymore of this crummy life and to the point of thinking death is a lot better than this and it is better to be dead than keep failing or being knocked down every time I try to do something with my life. 

I also suffer from CPTSD = Complex post traumatic Stress Disorder. I didn't serve just from things I been through in my life and childhood. I also suffer from Severe chronic depression, Severe social anxiety, severe abandonment issues, paranoia and learning issues. I have been diagnosed with them all. 

I have looked up issues with autism and self diagnosing that I may be borderline autistic as I have some of the same issues in that spectrum. I am just so tired of fighting and so tired of going through life like this barely being able to breath and barely being able to survive and have absolutely nothing to show for it.",d3ad1ns1de,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5t8m/maybe_its_for_the_best_that_i_dont_live_anymore/,almost 40 disability morbidly obese lose weight matter hard try almost 40 nothing 500 dollar laptop neighbor gave falling apart worth around 70 pair shoe falling apart hurt walk dozen worn sock shirt pant black mostly sweat pant two pair blue jean worn wallet falling apart disability getting le 800 usd month educational background ged wa homeless 8 year bad teeth need fixing one need new crown taught dental hygiene became homeless even brushing flossing wa least worry wa getting food trying survive spent past year trying get ged failed even tutor teacher study group found learning issue make hard get ged basically go 2nd 3rd grade 12th grade every subject family friend utterly alone world bought car two year ago wa first car wa planning living got scammed 3k trying save another car live unable renting bedroom elderly woman bad health going surgery today make homeless nowhere live unable survive homeless time body ha arthritis lower back rheumatoid arthritis knee foot day get bed hurting badly way survive street feel like complete utter crap especially compared everyone else realizing worthless life maybe best live anymore nothing world live even care anymore nothing life get better applied hud housing wa supposed move apartment 7 year waiting list 40 hud housing got accepted one make money get first month rent downpayment light turned spent past ten year trying better life get knocked every time get example saved 3 4 year 3k bought first car got scammed dealership resaved money 900 dollar needed two teeth pulled cost 450 tax drained 900 saved last month almost year saving got called first apartment ever get two year ago needed eye surgery remove cataract right eye need done left eye dr refuse texas real id stuff need star driver license order need eye exam likely fail lose driver license cataract left eye go driver license go getting car live spent year trying get ged fail every time try spent past eight year dating scene get rejected woman weight told worthless nothing offer relationship downright mocked laughed weight got cataract eye taking androgel testosterone medication low testosterone thyroid med thyroid basically dead gave max dose lost 45 lb 8 month absolutely change diet daily routine gained back year later literally take anymore crummy life point thinking death lot better better dead keep failing knocked every time try something life also suffer cptsd complex post traumatic stress disorder serve thing life childhood also suffer severe chronic depression severe social anxiety severe abandonment issue paranoia learning issue diagnosed looked issue autism self diagnosing may borderline autistic issue spectrum tired fighting tired going life like barely able breath barely able survive absolutely nothing show,maybe best live anymore,3 ad 1 n 1 de,4729,48,3 ad 1 n 1 de almost 40 disability morbidly obese lose weight matter hard try almost 40 nothing 500 dollar laptop neighbor gave falling apart worth around 70 pair shoe falling apart hurt walk dozen worn sock shirt pant black mostly sweat pant two pair blue jean worn wallet falling apart disability getting le 800 usd month educational background ged wa homeless 8 year bad teeth need fixing one need new crown taught dental hygiene became homeless even brushing flossing wa least worry wa getting food trying survive spent past year trying get ged failed even tutor teacher study group found learning issue make hard get ged basically go 2nd 3rd grade 12th grade every subject family friend utterly alone world bought car two year ago wa first car wa planning living got scammed 3k trying save another car live unable renting bedroom elderly woman bad health going surgery today make homeless nowhere live unable survive homeless time body ha arthritis lower back rheumatoid arthritis knee foot day get bed hurting badly way survive street feel like complete utter crap especially compared everyone else realizing worthless life maybe best live anymore nothing world live even care anymore nothing life get better applied hud housing wa supposed move apartment 7 year waiting list 40 hud housing got accepted one make money get first month rent downpayment light turned spent past ten year trying better life get knocked every time get example saved 3 4 year 3k bought first car got scammed dealership resaved money 900 dollar needed two teeth pulled cost 450 tax drained 900 saved last month almost year saving got called first apartment ever get two year ago needed eye surgery remove cataract right eye need done left eye dr refuse texas real id stuff need star driver license order need eye exam likely fail lose driver license cataract left eye go driver license go getting car live spent year trying get ged fail every time try spent past eight year dating scene get rejected woman weight told worthless nothing offer relationship downright mocked laughed weight got cataract eye taking androgel testosterone medication low testosterone thyroid med thyroid basically dead gave max dose lost 45 lb 8 month absolutely change diet daily routine gained back year later literally take anymore crummy life point thinking death lot better better dead keep failing knocked every time try something life also suffer cptsd complex post traumatic stress disorder serve thing life childhood also suffer severe chronic depression severe social anxiety severe abandonment issue paranoia learning issue diagnosed looked issue autism self diagnosing may borderline autistic issue spectrum tired fighting tired going life like barely able breath barely able survive absolutely nothing show maybe best live anymore
How can I get a psychiatrist to prescribe meds for me without therapy?,I don’t like people. I have isolated myself from the outside world for over six years now. I don’t want to have long conversations with no one. I just need the strongest meds I can get to combat my issues. Before I try something illegal which I have been tempting to use for some time now. Is there a way for me to achieve this without having to see a psychologist? Sorry if I’m coming off a certain way. I’m just tired and need help.,bubblebutnot,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5ri4/how_can_i_get_a_psychiatrist_to_prescribe_meds/,like people isolated outside world six year want long conversation one need strongest med get combat issue try something illegal tempting use time way achieve without see psychologist sorry coming certain way tired need help,get psychiatrist prescribe med without therapy,bubble,434,70,bubble like people isolated outside world six year want long conversation one need strongest med get combat issue try something illegal tempting use time way achieve without see psychologist sorry coming certain way tired need help get psychiatrist prescribe med without therapy
Please be mindful,"Please be mindful when commenting on posts. This applies to me, maybe it applies to others, maybe it doesn't.

I'm not here looking for someone to fix my problems. It wouldn't be possible. It would take a novel to give all of the context, the background, the struggles, the attempts, the life. I'm here for comfort. To know that I'm not alone. To be able to express my anguish in whatever means I choose without fear of judgment and negativity. It is not helpful to trivialize my problems. I understand that we all want to solve these issues. That we don't want to see others suffering. Giving solutions to problems you do not understand is not helpful. Giving advice to someone that does not ask for it is not helpful. My problems will not be solved by a paragraph comment. However, I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. That comfort helps me cope, helps me push on, helps me make it through another day. That's why I am here. I really appreciate this place. Thanks for allowing me to share.",beauTeeEdur,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5ret/please_be_mindful/,please mindful commenting post applies maybe applies others maybe looking someone fix problem possible would take novel give context background struggle attempt life comfort know alone able express anguish whatever mean choose without fear judgment negativity helpful trivialize problem understand want solve issue want see others suffering giving solution problem understand helpful giving advice someone doe ask helpful problem solved paragraph comment however find comfort knowing alone comfort help cope help push help make another day really appreciate place thanks allowing share,please mindful,aut eee dur,1000,17,aut eee dur please mindful commenting post applies maybe applies others maybe looking someone fix problem possible would take novel give context background struggle attempt life comfort know alone able express anguish whatever mean choose without fear judgment negativity helpful trivialize problem understand want solve issue want see others suffering giving solution problem understand helpful giving advice someone doe ask helpful problem solved paragraph comment however find comfort knowing alone comfort help cope help push help make another day really appreciate place thanks allowing share please mindful
I’m having a bad day,"I hate myself so much and everyone hates me too even my own boyfriend. He doesn’t say it but I could tell he thinks I’m terrible and miserable and that he’s better than me. Why is it so hard to take care of myself? I just want to be dead already so I don’t have to do eat, exercise, shower... why are these things so god damn hard for me and so easy for everyone else? I’m such a fucking burden and everyone knows I’m a stupid piece of shit. Why won’t god just let me die",MandaGodOfWar,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5qlj/im_having_a_bad_day/,hate much everyone hate even boyfriend say could tell think terrible miserable better hard take care want dead already eat exercise shower thing god damn hard easy everyone else fucking burden everyone know stupid piece shit god let die,bad day,god war,471,20,god war hate much everyone hate even boyfriend say could tell think terrible miserable better hard take care want dead already eat exercise shower thing god damn hard easy everyone else fucking burden everyone know stupid piece shit god let die bad day
Anchored,I have a speech in my second language due for tomorrow but I can't get out of bed. It feels like there is a lump in my throat and a weight on my chest that i can't shake off. I know i need to get this work done but thinking about it makes me anxious and worsens this depressive state I've fallen into,Oakseer2002,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2im0/anchored/,speech second language due tomorrow get bed feel like lump throat weight chest shake know need get work done thinking make anxious worsens depressive state fallen,anchored,oak seer 2002,300,8,oak seer 2002 speech second language due tomorrow get bed feel like lump throat weight chest shake know need get work done thinking make anxious worsens depressive state fallen anchored
Can i still have depression even if i’m productive?,"I don’t want to self diagnose but i feel like i might have depression. I’ve had severe lack of interest in activities, emotional numbness, suicidal thoughts, and other stuff for the past 2 months or so. And during this time last year it was the same thing but it lasted nearly 6 months before i started to feel okay. But i know that depression can make you unproductive and drop your grades, but my grades in school are still really good (its still hard to concentrate in class i just understand subjects on my own) and i do daily tasks like showering and cleaning. So it doesn’t really affect me academically but socially it does. Is this still depression?",linaaa23,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5pgc/can_i_still_have_depression_even_if_im_productive/,want self diagnose feel like might depression severe lack interest activity emotional numbness suicidal thought stuff past 2 month time last year wa thing lasted nearly 6 month started feel okay know depression make unproductive drop grade grade school still really good still hard concentrate class understand subject daily task like showering cleaning really affect academically socially doe still depression,still depression even productive,lina 23,657,51,lina 23 want self diagnose feel like might depression severe lack interest activity emotional numbness suicidal thought stuff past 2 month time last year wa thing lasted nearly 6 month started feel okay know depression make unproductive drop grade grade school still really good still hard concentrate class understand subject daily task like showering cleaning really affect academically socially doe still depression still depression even productive
How do I stop blaming myself,"So I went through a lot throughout my life and none of it is really my fault (except one that I exist) but brain keeps on attacking me for all bad things for example if my mom refused to pay my tution fee and I get kicked out my brain imposes the fault on me or if i am sick and i am sick because my selfish parents hide my medical records my brain blame me for my sickness as well , I couldn't get into college again parents bam brain attack me again. If people bully me my brain again attack me 

tl;dr my brain loves attacking me with no sense.

So how do I stop blaming myself for everything I didn't done?",newtoreddit5656,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5ox9/how_do_i_stop_blaming_myself/,went lot throughout life none really fault except one exist brain keep attacking bad thing example mom refused pay tution fee get kicked brain imposes fault sick sick selfish parent hide medical record brain blame sickness well get college parent bam brain attack people bully brain attack tl dr brain love attacking sense stop blaming everything done,stop blaming,new reddit 5656,610,28,new reddit 5656 went lot throughout life none really fault except one exist brain keep attacking bad thing example mom refused pay tution fee get kicked brain imposes fault sick sick selfish parent hide medical record brain blame sickness well get college parent bam brain attack people bully brain attack tl dr brain love attacking sense stop blaming everything done stop blaming
Should I kill myself or not?,"Just made this pros and cons list. Honestly, I'm leaning towards ""should"". I can't do this anymore.

SHOULD because...

* Ugly
* Fat
* Poor spending habits
* Pothead
* Alcoholic
* Not fun to be around
* End the suffering
* No self worth
* Always miserable
* Dumb
* No idea how to pull myself out of this

SHOULD NOT because…

* Family and friends will miss me
* A lot I haven’t done",ShaiGilgeousZander,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5ony/should_i_kill_myself_or_not/,made pro con list honestly leaning towards anymore ugly fat poor spending habit pothead alcoholic fun around end suffering self worth always miserable dumb idea pull family friend miss lot done,kill,shai gil geo u zan der,382,28,shai gil geo u zan der made pro con list honestly leaning towards anymore ugly fat poor spending habit pothead alcoholic fun around end suffering self worth always miserable dumb idea pull family friend miss lot done kill
"Wednesday is started cutting myself, before that i hit myself with a belt.",I started to hurt myself when i was 14 i am 15 now and i have no idea what to do. I am only happy when i am with my girlfriend who is in the same class.,FLUSHDATOILET,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0bye/wednesday_is_started_cutting_myself_before_that_i/,started hurt wa 14 15 idea happy girlfriend class,wednesday started cutting hit belt,flush da toilet,152,74,flush da toilet started hurt wa 14 15 idea happy girlfriend class wednesday started cutting hit belt
What is best to say (or not say) when someone is self deprecating?,"What kind of feedback (or perhaps lack of) are best when someone is self deprecating? To disagree, to give alternatives, to change subjects?
I don't hope to invalidate a feeling or pretend like it isn't significant or impactful.

I recognize this ought to vary with each person and each scenario, though I wonder about responses that have made things better, easier, made you feel understood, or responses that were absolutely unhelpful.

Many times, it feels proper to simply be there with/for the person when this is happening, but when it is time to say something it is challenging to gauge what is best to say.",braidedcarpet,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5nbf/what_is_best_to_say_or_not_say_when_someone_is/,kind feedback perhaps lack best someone self deprecating disagree give alternative change subject hope invalidate feeling pretend like significant impactful recognize ought vary person scenario though wonder response made thing better easier made feel understood response absolutely unhelpful many time feel proper simply person happening time say something challenging gauge best say,best say say someone self deprecating,braided carpet,614,66,braided carpet kind feedback perhaps lack best someone self deprecating disagree give alternative change subject hope invalidate feeling pretend like significant impactful recognize ought vary person scenario though wonder response made thing better easier made feel understood response absolutely unhelpful many time feel proper simply person happening time say something challenging gauge best say best say say someone self deprecating
I don't know what to do anymore...,"I'm 28, I still live with my parents, I'm trapped at a shitty dead end job because I couldn't finish college (and can't go back either), every girl I try to date leaves, I have almost zero friends and the ones I do have all push me down their priority list, they never check in on me when I'm upset, my parents don't understand ANYTHING about how I feel and just tell me to get over myself instead of actually talking to me, and now today the girl I've been seeing just up and blocked me for no goddamn reason on EVERY SINGLE SITE/APP we had any contact on.  I don't know how to deal with all of this anymore plus I'm worried about my health (I feel like I'm in a 50 year olds body at times) and it's all becoming too much.  I've never felt more alone in my life than I do right now and I have nowhere to turn to anymore...I guess I'm just posting this to get my feelings out in the open somewhere where hopefully others can relate I guess. Or at least I won't feel too judged disclosing this info here. But in all seriousness I don't know what to do cuz my list of reasons to live is slowly shrinking.",ItsZeeburn,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5n29/i_dont_know_what_to_do_anymore/,28 still live parent trapped shitty dead end job finish college go back either every girl try date leaf almost zero friend one push priority list never check upset parent understand anything feel tell get instead actually talking today girl seeing blocked goddamn reason every single site app contact know deal anymore plus worried health feel like 50 year old body time becoming much never felt alone life right nowhere turn anymore guess posting get feeling open somewhere hopefully others relate guess least feel judged disclosing info seriousness know cuz list reason live slowly shrinking,know anymore,zee burn,1102,34,zee burn 28 still live parent trapped shitty dead end job finish college go back either every girl try date leaf almost zero friend one push priority list never check upset parent understand anything feel tell get instead actually talking today girl seeing blocked goddamn reason every single site app contact know deal anymore plus worried health feel like 50 year old body time becoming much never felt alone life right nowhere turn anymore guess posting get feeling open somewhere hopefully others relate guess least feel judged disclosing info seriousness know cuz list reason live slowly shrinking know anymore
35(F) suffer from clinical depression. I feel trapped in my 9 year relationship.,"Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this since it relates to a relationship. I've dealt with depression since my early teen's. It continued to be a major problem in my life until about my mid 20s when I met my current partner. Because of how emotionally mature, supportive and trusting he was, I felt my espisodes we not as frequent or as severe. However as I began to hit my 30s, I started to notice the larger issues that I overlooked when I was younger as not important, like his finanical health (how he views money/saving). He holds a job with little responsibility and low-stress but pays as such (i.e. near minimum wage). He did work overtime for a time to afford a house, which he has but needs me to pay half the mortgage in order to afford it. He says I'm the love of his life but he's not interested in getting married. He's also almost nearly a decade older than me.

I feel trapped because as much as I love him, I want to leave. The major reasons I want to leave are different views towards finances, marriage and moving (he doesn't want to move away from where his parents live). I've been wanting to leave for a very long time but I'm also scared. This decision has caused my anxiety then depression to spring up full force, comptemplating suicide because I'd rather die than live on my own. I haven't lived on my own since my early 20s and every time I lived alone it would result in me being suicidal nearly every day. I struggled, graduated late in college and managed a business degree that did nothing, but earn me an unstable job history and act as a cover to people that I'm doing okay. I just realize how emotionally dependent I am on him and that scares me too. I have no family or friends to talk to about this or for any emotional support. I also hate the state I live in as there are many bad memories here of past abuse. My parents also live here and our relationship remains strained.

What I want is to move out of this city and start over but I don't know if that's my depression talking or what. I don't trust my own decisions or judgements. I have low esteem for myself and my choices. Back to the reasons for leaving my partner though---I feel like who am I to say what I want in a relationship since for instance, I can't even hold a steady job so again, makes it hard to leave him. I'm also currently in school again to once more try a job more suitable to my personality--massage. Until then, I'm stuck living with him for another 6 months.

How do you find the courage to live on your own? Past that, how do you find the will or care to live? I don't have anyone. I mean, I won't have anyone if I leave him and that scares me into staying with him too. Or should I just stay with him and work things out? I'm not sure. I just know I can't sleep well, don't eat much and been crying every other day. Sometimes I just would rather die than have to make a life decision...

\---

Are people with mental illness subjected to whatever relationship they can get? Should we be lucky to even have a partner that puts up with us?",thequeenistheslave,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2eg0/35f_suffer_from_clinical_depression_i_feel/,hi sure post since relates relationship dealt depression since early teen continued major problem life mid 20 met current partner emotionally mature supportive trusting wa felt espisodes frequent severe however began hit 30 started notice larger issue overlooked wa younger important like finanical health view money saving hold job little responsibility low stress pay e near minimum wage work overtime time afford house ha need pay half mortgage order afford say love life interested getting married also almost nearly decade older feel trapped much love want leave major reason want leave different view towards finance marriage moving want move away parent live wanting leave long time also scared decision ha caused anxiety depression spring full force comptemplating suicide rather die live lived since early 20 every time lived alone would result suicidal nearly every day struggled graduated late college managed business degree nothing earn unstable job history act cover people okay realize emotionally dependent scare family friend talk emotional support also hate state live many bad memory past abuse parent also live relationship remains strained want move city start know depression talking trust decision judgement low esteem choice back reason leaving partner though feel like say want relationship since instance even hold steady job make hard leave also currently school try job suitable personality massage stuck living another 6 month find courage live past find care live anyone mean anyone leave scare staying stay work thing sure know sleep well eat much cry every day sometimes would rather die make life decision people mental illness subjected whatever relationship get lucky even partner put u,35 f suffer clinical depression feel trapped 9 year relationship,queen slave,3055,80,queen slave hi sure post since relates relationship dealt depression since early teen continued major problem life mid 20 met current partner emotionally mature supportive trusting wa felt espisodes frequent severe however began hit 30 started notice larger issue overlooked wa younger important like finanical health view money saving hold job little responsibility low stress pay e near minimum wage work overtime time afford house ha need pay half mortgage order afford say love life interested getting married also almost nearly decade older feel trapped much love want leave major reason want leave different view towards finance marriage moving want move away parent live wanting leave long time also scared decision ha caused anxiety depression spring full force comptemplating suicide rather die live lived since early 20 every time lived alone would result suicidal nearly every day struggled graduated late college managed business degree nothing earn unstable job history act cover people okay realize emotionally dependent scare family friend talk emotional support also hate state live many bad memory past abuse parent also live relationship remains strained want move city start know depression talking trust decision judgement low esteem choice back reason leaving partner though feel like say want relationship since instance even hold steady job make hard leave also currently school try job suitable personality massage stuck living another 6 month find courage live past find care live anyone mean anyone leave scare staying stay work thing sure know sleep well eat much cry every day sometimes would rather die make life decision people mental illness subjected whatever relationship get lucky even partner put u 35 f suffer clinical depression feel trapped 9 year relationship
I’m losing myself.,"I can’t keep going.

I try and try to be a good person and every time I turn around the world takes something from me. I can’t afford to live anymore. The state of the world makes me sick. My family is so splintered. I lost my dad and my mother is so beyond done dealing with my messed up self it makes my chest hurt.

I never wanted to be this. I wanted to make my family’s life better but here I am a failed 38 year old man who can’t even support himself let alone help those I love.

I don’t know where to turn. Doctors push so many drugs on me and I feel like I can not even think because of it therapy just wants me to blame my father and I do t want to do that, I loved him and he loved me. 

I hate myself and who I have become. I want a normal life. I want to support myself and help my loved ones. I was the rock and now I’m just a pile of shit.

I can’t do this. I hate it, I hate me. I do not remember a time when my chest did not hurt from this. I’m so tired. I want to love someone, I want to be better. I’m going to die like this and I can’t stand the thought.

How can I legally die? I just want to stop being the burden. People will forget me quickly, I provide nothing to this world. 

I’ve never kissed a woman. I’m a damn loser.

I can’t even imagine having a child because I would never want this to pass down to them. The thought of that makes me sick. I just want love, of any type. I just want to hold someone.

I hate myself so much and I can’t stop.",[deleted],1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0aud/im_losing_myself/,keep going try try good person every time turn around world take something afford live anymore state world make sick family splintered lost dad mother beyond done dealing messed self make chest hurt never wanted wanted make family life better failed 38 year old man even support let alone help love know turn doctor push many drug feel like even think therapy want blame father want loved loved hate become want normal life want support help loved one wa rock pile shit hate hate remember time chest hurt tired want love someone want better going die like stand thought legally die want stop burden people forget quickly provide nothing world never kissed woman damn loser even imagine child would never want pas thought make sick want love type want hold someone hate much stop,losing,deleted,1474,18,deleted keep going try try good person every time turn around world take something afford live anymore state world make sick family splintered lost dad mother beyond done dealing messed self make chest hurt never wanted wanted make family life better failed 38 year old man even support let alone help love know turn doctor push many drug feel like even think therapy want blame father want loved loved hate become want normal life want support help loved one wa rock pile shit hate hate remember time chest hurt tired want love someone want better going die like stand thought legally die want stop burden people forget quickly provide nothing world never kissed woman damn loser even imagine child would never want pas thought make sick want love type want hold someone hate much stop losing
Letting go the only thing that make me happy,"I’m 30yr male, living alone, unemployed, broke, alone, and the only thing that get me going is my dream to become a filmmaker, but that dream now starting to fall apart.

Filmmaking has been literally the thing that shape who i am today. I’ve been doing videography and editing stuff for almost 10 years, beside doing my passion project, i also earn a living by edit and produce video for small businesses. Overtime I learned alot about the entertainment industry, but i never part of them. Instead i just do my freelance work, but i do have a dream, to make a feature film. Knowing my own lacking, i study and research as much as i could about independent film and unfortunately in my country, indie scene is basically non existent. I decided to fund my own film, because nobody wants to finance a stranger like me. 

Earlier this year, I thought this year will be the year I finally made it. I sold my car and use my saving to fund a film project which i hope can be the one that gets people attention. As i slowly developing the project, i met several industry folks, with the intention of gaining knowledge and get some support, but instead all i got is them dismissed and laughed at my project because I’m a fool to even dream about making a film with my budget, and more importantly, I’m nobody. I was treated nonchalantly. Hate to say this, but i do agree on some of the points they gave.

Now I’m aware, even if i did make the film, the chances for it to actually help me further my career is slim. I love doing this, and i would love to make a living with this, but moneys are tight, the thought of giving up the only thing i passionate the most in my life, kills me.

Today, I’m just laying hopelessly typing this crap on my phone. I lost all the passion, and motivation to keep going. I’m tired of seeing people, i spent my days at home alone. I’m embarrassed with my friends and family, especially my mom, who has been nothing but supportive.

I’m contemplating if i should let go of this dream and looking for a new job at 30yr.",ministerofterrible,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5kou/letting_go_the_only_thing_that_make_me_happy/,30yr male living alone unemployed broke alone thing get going dream become filmmaker dream starting fall apart filmmaking ha literally thing shape today videography editing stuff almost 10 year beside passion project also earn living edit produce video small business overtime learned alot entertainment industry never part instead freelance work dream make feature film knowing lacking study research much could independent film unfortunately country indie scene basically non existent decided fund film nobody want finance stranger like earlier year thought year year finally made sold car use saving fund film project hope one get people attention slowly developing project met several industry folk intention gaining knowledge get support instead got dismissed laughed project fool even dream making film budget importantly nobody wa treated nonchalantly hate say agree point gave aware even make film chance actually help career slim love would love make living money tight thought giving thing passionate life kill today laying hopelessly typing crap phone lost passion motivation keep going tired seeing people spent day home alone embarrassed friend family especially mom ha nothing supportive contemplating let go dream looking new job 30yr,letting go thing make happy,minister terrible,2041,44,minister terrible 30yr male living alone unemployed broke alone thing get going dream become filmmaker dream starting fall apart filmmaking ha literally thing shape today videography editing stuff almost 10 year beside passion project also earn living edit produce video small business overtime learned alot entertainment industry never part instead freelance work dream make feature film knowing lacking study research much could independent film unfortunately country indie scene basically non existent decided fund film nobody want finance stranger like earlier year thought year year finally made sold car use saving fund film project hope one get people attention slowly developing project met several industry folk intention gaining knowledge get support instead got dismissed laughed project fool even dream making film budget importantly nobody wa treated nonchalantly hate say agree point gave aware even make film chance actually help career slim love would love make living money tight thought giving thing passionate life kill today laying hopelessly typing crap phone lost passion motivation keep going tired seeing people spent day home alone embarrassed friend family especially mom ha nothing supportive contemplating let go dream looking new job 30yr letting go thing make happy
An Uninteresting Title,"I don't understand this, I really don't. It feels like I can't make progress. Some days I feel good (better than usual, at least) and others, like today, just feels like I can't do literally anything. I almost never take naps, and I climbed into bed after doing nothing for hours and took a two hour nap because I didn't want to be awake. Some days I think I am getting better, that I can make better habits and get myself out of this crutch. Then I just get hit like a goddamn bus with all these negative thoughts out of nowhere and I'm back to square one. It's so disheartening, it feels like I'm trying to swim through tar towards some land that is miles and miles away. I know people care about me, but it doesn't feel like it. I know I have friends and people I can call on when I need them, but I feel so alone. Depression is so hard..I hope it does get better eventually...I just need to hang on to that hope..",waen99,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe2bzb/an_uninteresting_title/,understand really feel like make progress day feel good better usual least others like today feel like literally anything almost never take nap climbed bed nothing hour took two hour nap want awake day think getting better make better habit get crutch get hit like goddamn bus negative thought nowhere back square one disheartening feel like trying swim tar towards land mile mile away know people care feel like know friend people call need feel alone depression hard hope doe get better eventually need hang hope,uninteresting title,wa en 99,917,22,wa en 99 understand really feel like make progress day feel good better usual least others like today feel like literally anything almost never take nap climbed bed nothing hour took two hour nap want awake day think getting better make better habit get crutch get hit like goddamn bus negative thought nowhere back square one disheartening feel like trying swim tar towards land mile mile away know people care feel like know friend people call need feel alone depression hard hope doe get better eventually need hang hope uninteresting title
Just a vent u don't have to read,"My friends keep talking about how they need therapy and I just stand there thinking about how I have tried starving my self and the fresh yeets on my ankle that I made in the basement of the library we meet in with a random pair of scissors I found. 

No one seems to notice when I'm sad but when the more popular people are sad everyone notices and everyone cares, no one even says anything when I bearly talk and when I do it's just a mumble.

People always says that you should talk to people when you feel sad or depressed but who do I talk to when every time I try no one understands.

Sorry to bother u I just needed to vent",combackgirl1,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5kc2/just_a_vent_u_dont_have_to_read/,friend keep talking need therapy stand thinking tried starving self fresh yeets ankle made basement library meet random pair scissors found one seems notice sad popular people sad everyone notice everyone care one even say anything bearly talk mumble people always say talk people feel sad depressed talk every time try one understands sorry bother u needed vent,vent u read,com back girl 1,630,32,com back girl 1 friend keep talking need therapy stand thinking tried starving self fresh yeets ankle made basement library meet random pair scissors found one seems notice sad popular people sad everyone notice everyone care one even say anything bearly talk mumble people always say talk people feel sad depressed talk every time try one understands sorry bother u needed vent vent u read
Two Different People,"It would be nice to hear from other people what you’re experiences have been like.

When I’m on my own or with people I’m comfortable around, I’m “normal.” My version of happy and normal anyway, whatever that looks like with depression wrapped in. 

Then, when I go out in social situations, I’m someone else. I’m frantic, I try too hard to be funny, etc. I’m socially anxious, I guess that’s the point.

But I find these opposites in writing too. When I’m writing I’m intelligent, I have a lot to say and offer people. But when I speak directly to people I clam up. I have a tiny vocabulary. I swear a lot. I saw the same words/phrases over and over. None of these things is particularly bad on their own but together it translates into me being a fucking mess. 

Do you ever find you’re two different people?",OutsideitCZ,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5k79/two_different_people/,would nice hear people experience like people comfortable around normal version happy normal anyway whatever look like depression wrapped go social situation someone else frantic try hard funny etc socially anxious guess point find opposite writing writing intelligent lot say offer people speak directly people clam tiny vocabulary swear lot saw word phrase none thing particularly bad together translates fucking mess ever find two different people,two different people,outside itcz,810,20,outside itcz would nice hear people experience like people comfortable around normal version happy normal anyway whatever look like depression wrapped go social situation someone else frantic try hard funny etc socially anxious guess point find opposite writing writing intelligent lot say offer people speak directly people clam tiny vocabulary swear lot saw word phrase none thing particularly bad together translates fucking mess ever find two different people two different people
My heart hurts,"My heart feels heavy and empty...

 I don't feel like I am loved and cared for. I don't want to be with someone that has lost their job twice due to drinking on the job. During that time I was talking to someone and my partner was stressed out about and he started to drink more and he lost his job twice because of this and it feels like its my fault that I can't do anything that makes me happy. I don't want to care for someone that doesn't care about my needs, emotional and physically.  If I am sick or doesn't feel well, I have to do it myself without someone taking care of me. One time I had a fever and I had to go to work this partner that I am wish was out and never came home, He didn't check up on me and I haven't heard from him. My plans most of the time has to be put on hold because my partner wants to take a nap and I have to be there most of the time. I want someone to love me and not hurt me anymore, I want hugs and kisses and cuddles and being spoiled alittle bit. My partner isnt the right now for me but I havent found the one for me and I am stuck because I am behind on rent and I am trying to built myself up again after going through some stuff of my own.",Moonpyu,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5jlk/my_heart_hurts/,heart feel heavy empty feel like loved cared want someone ha lost job twice due drinking job time wa talking someone partner wa stressed started drink lost job twice feel like fault anything make happy want care someone care need emotional physically sick feel well without someone taking care one time fever go work partner wish wa never came home check heard plan time ha put hold partner want take nap time want someone love hurt anymore want hug kiss cuddle spoiled alittle bit partner isnt right havent found one stuck behind rent trying built going stuff,heart hurt,moon p yu,1185,14,moon p yu heart feel heavy empty feel like loved cared want someone ha lost job twice due drinking job time wa talking someone partner wa stressed started drink lost job twice feel like fault anything make happy want care someone care need emotional physically sick feel well without someone taking care one time fever go work partner wish wa never came home check heard plan time ha put hold partner want take nap time want someone love hurt anymore want hug kiss cuddle spoiled alittle bit partner isnt right havent found one stuck behind rent trying built going stuff heart hurt
Friends are finally leaving me. My brain is fucking with me.,"This is a long text about what I'm dealing with.. just giving you a heads up.I hate embarrassing myself and I act in a way I dont like. I maybe acting in a way which balances all the embarrassments I deal with. 

I keep thinking about past moments where it's fucking embarrassing and then I hate to fight to being the person to desire to be. By embarrassing it means either people telling me on my face which hurts me and they know it but still choose to say it because they know Im boring now and I don't have the confidence they saw in me they used to. I'm on their side on this cuz I they are true. And I don't know how to help myself out of this. 

 To be honest I'm lonely like literally lonely only because of me. I'm not open about my feelings and try to just move the conversation about general things. I only love people but not give back anything or show it. Theres not a single person who I have a nice relationship with right now. I mean to say I don't have but they do. Few of my friends care about me and don't want me to get hurt but that's all. I don't like my family because I'm thinking like this just because of their conditioning . I hate my insecure mom who is highly egoistic of herself and can't handle rejection or appreciation she gets defensive for very small things and also expects me to show love to her and give the attention she needs all the time and if I don't do it she gets hurt again and gets defensive. I hate that she's like that and that's in me . That is my biggest problem because I have conversations in my head to fix her cuz I don't want her to be that way and I do this therapeutic talk all the time with her and me. Im starting to get sick of it and handle this. I know all the ways she can't get offended and it's not hard and it's my problem to deal with convincing her. I can't fucking do it I wanna leave her but I can't live with guilt she has given me till now that I can't live by knowing she's gonna get mental if I leave her. She has friends but they're cringe as fuck saying I love you or I hate you. All they talk about is that. She wants everything without deserving it. 

When I say all this about her I know that I act like her and when I say I hate her I hate the part of me that's her. That part of me is not leaving me. I try to give people guilt trips unconsciously or give them situations where I get rejected and I won't take it properly. This feeling of being alone after someone shows that they don't like me is what I want to feel but I want to say to mind that noone likes me and I'm alone. 

Today I truly feel like I don't have a friend to share any of my feelings to because it is truly cringe worthy and embarrassment because I feel like this. I have a lot of potential in me . I have great looks. Im smart. I'm talenting in coding. I'm very funny sometimes. But my ego which judges me and judges others gets all its data and fucks me over and convincing me to feel shitty and unmotivated all the time. 

I can't say these things to anyone I know and I'm always confused with the way I think I don't know what's a good thought or a bad thought because they have their own points which are opposite. Im conditioning and people are trying. To get rid of me because they don't like me anymore. I'm boring and I don't want to settle to this but I'm setting. I hate that this happening but not enough.

This is very general when I say people or feelings but this insecurity in a college environment. Everyone is different here and there only a few cool people. Every friend i know is a confident secure person and deals with Thier problems with friends together. I can't have that.

My personality is dead because of the shit thats in my head. The therapeutic talk. The polar opposite debates about feelings. Numbness. And living with the shitty version of myself. I know this is mood. In other times when I feel genuinely happy I have an answer that says just keep going through whatever it is and it's easy. It's not really easy at other times. And we don't know how long should I wait for the next mood switch to happen.",clientmein,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduleb/friends_are_finally_leaving_me_my_brain_is/,long text dealing giving head hate embarrassing act way dont like maybe acting way balance embarrassment deal keep thinking past moment fucking embarrassing hate fight person desire embarrassing mean either people telling face hurt know still choose say know im boring confidence saw used side cuz true know help honest lonely like literally lonely open feeling try move conversation general thing love people give back anything show single person nice relationship right mean say friend care want get hurt like family thinking like conditioning hate insecure mom highly egoistic handle rejection appreciation get defensive small thing also expects show love give attention need time get hurt get defensive hate like biggest problem conversation head fix cuz want way therapeutic talk time im starting get sick handle know way get offended hard problem deal convincing fucking wanna leave live guilt ha given till live knowing gonna get mental leave ha friend cringe fuck saying love hate talk want everything without deserving say know act like say hate hate part part leaving try give people guilt trip unconsciously give situation get rejected take properly feeling alone someone show like want feel want say mind noone like alone today truly feel like friend share feeling truly cringe worthy embarrassment feel like lot potential great look im smart talenting coding funny sometimes ego judge judge others get data fuck convincing feel shitty unmotivated time say thing anyone know always confused way think know good thought bad thought point opposite im conditioning people trying get rid like anymore boring want settle setting hate happening enough general say people feeling insecurity college environment everyone different cool people every friend know confident secure person deal thier problem friend together personality dead shit thats head therapeutic talk polar opposite debate feeling numbness living shitty version know mood time feel genuinely happy answer say keep going whatever easy really easy time know long wait next mood switch happen,friend finally leaving brain fucking,client mein,4092,60,client mein long text dealing giving head hate embarrassing act way dont like maybe acting way balance embarrassment deal keep thinking past moment fucking embarrassing hate fight person desire embarrassing mean either people telling face hurt know still choose say know im boring confidence saw used side cuz true know help honest lonely like literally lonely open feeling try move conversation general thing love people give back anything show single person nice relationship right mean say friend care want get hurt like family thinking like conditioning hate insecure mom highly egoistic handle rejection appreciation get defensive small thing also expects show love give attention need time get hurt get defensive hate like biggest problem conversation head fix cuz want way therapeutic talk time im starting get sick handle know way get offended hard problem deal convincing fucking wanna leave live guilt ha given till live knowing gonna get mental leave ha friend cringe fuck saying love hate talk want everything without deserving say know act like say hate hate part part leaving try give people guilt trip unconsciously give situation get rejected take properly feeling alone someone show like want feel want say mind noone like alone today truly feel like friend share feeling truly cringe worthy embarrassment feel like lot potential great look im smart talenting coding funny sometimes ego judge judge others get data fuck convincing feel shitty unmotivated time say thing anyone know always confused way think know good thought bad thought point opposite im conditioning people trying get rid like anymore boring want settle setting hate happening enough general say people feeling insecurity college environment everyone different cool people every friend know confident secure person deal thier problem friend together personality dead shit thats head therapeutic talk polar opposite debate feeling numbness living shitty version know mood time feel genuinely happy answer say keep going whatever easy really easy time know long wait next mood switch happen friend finally leaving brain fucking
Asshole dad doesn't support my dreams. Long rant.,"I'm 24 years old and have recently graduated from college with a BA in art. Art has been my passion since I was a little kid and I hope I can one day have an exhibition showcasing my art. 

So back in 2019 just a few months after graduating college I applied for this artists residence program. I knew that I probably wouldn't get accepted as these  residences are usually very popular and I was still buliding up my
career in art. But I still wanted to try and get more experienced in writing applications and though I'd give it a go and you never know I might just be lucky enough to be accepted. 
This particular application had to be sent in by post. So I asked my mum for a stamp. Later that day my dad sees the stamp booklet and asks what it was doing there. So my mum told him. He just conpleatly lost his shit and started yelling at my mum. He was arngry that my mum hadn't told him about my plans to apply for this residence. I could hear the yelling from my bedroom and came down to see what it was about. 

I can't remember everything that happened and what was said. But basically my dad felt that this was a terrible idea. That the residence wouldn't be good for me and that I shouldn't be moving out. 
I kept trying to explain how there were many benefits of doing this residence. And how I wouldn't be moving away forever. Besides I was 23 at the time. A lot of people my age had lived away from their parents. He, however, couldn't get his head around it. He thought the residence program wasn't legitimate. Despite the fact that I  found out about it through my college lectures and how they literally give us seminars on how to apply to these residences. 

He keep yelling and screaming causing my mum to cry and sleep in my sister's room that night. 

I didn't let the events of that night keep me from pursuing my dream. Fast forward to a few days ago and I'm working on another application for a artist residence. This one also has to be sent in by post. So this time I tell my dad what I'm doing just before he went to bed. He rolled his eyes but didn't say much. 
The next day I'm printing off my application and I can hear my dad speaking negativity about this residences to my mum.

My mum is so kind and loving and supportive of me and my dreams. I really couldn't ask more of her. 
Anyway. I come into the room and tell my dad that I can hear him talking about me. 
He says similar stuff to what he said back in 2019. How he's thinks its a bad idea. How he thinks I shouldn't be moving out. He is of the belief that I'm looking at this with rose tinted glasses. I try to explain how I'm not some stupid little kid just following some whimsical dream. This is my passion. Its the thing I have a degree in and very much plan on pursuing. 
 For some reason he cannot understand what a 
residence involves. I thought the team residence made it fairly obvious. However I try to explain how its a place you live and work in. So you can produce artwork in a proper studio. He's still just shaking his head saying its a bad idea. I ask him why he thinks its a bad idea but he just cuts me off and tells me to tell him why its a good idea.
Once again I try to explain the benefits. Because I'm just making small bits of Watercolour paintings in my bedroom and having a studio would be so much more ideal.
He stars asking questions about how they chose people. I explain about how you send in a cover letter, an artist cv, and images of your work.

For some reason he keeps referring to the residence as a course. My mum and I tell his how its not a course its a place to live and work. He doesn't seem to understand. 
He says how the only people who will benefit from this course are the people running in. 

He seems to believe that because I wouldn't be paid to attend this residence that its a waste of time. 
I'm not even asking my parents for money to fund this residence. I planned to pay the rent myself. 
The he says how I should be looking for work. He's a bit of a booomer. He seems to think that there's loads of jobs going round and I just couldn't be bothered to get one. Not true. 

I had a job not too long ago but it was temporary contract work which ended a few weeks ago. 

He has the nerve to say that when he, himself has been unemployed since the early 2000s and my mum is the main breadwinner.
 He just happens to be related to wealthy parents whom he inherited loads of money from when they died. He doesn't know the struggle of looking for work or having a strict budget. 
I asked if he'd prefer if i were in some dead end job that made me miserable. No he says. He'd like to see me in a job that makes me happy. And he sort of suggests to continue with art on the side but apparently working and doing an art residence is just too much. 

Anyway, getting back on track. He mentioned how he thinks I'm too vulnerable and not ready to move out. I don't know how he's going to react when I have enough money saved up to move out. But he can't stop me from moving out and living my own life. I haven't even been accepted by the residence program and he's acting as if I'm leaving to live on the other side of the world.
Everything up to this point has been very upsetting and stressful and depressing. But than he goes and says that I'm not good enough or talented enough. Thst these no future in this residences. No future in art. 

That fucking hurt but I highly suspected this. I told him that I already knew that. This man hasn't even seen half of my art. Hasn't see what I'm capable of doing. And doesn't understand how the art world works. If I were bad I wouldn't have gotten my BA. It's still so hard to not let his words get to me. I'm still planning on applying for open calls to residences and exhibitions. I know i have talent and I work hard. Even if I'm not currently good enough that doesn't mean I should stop. The only thing that will stop me from having a future in art is if I give up. So I won't give up until I have made it.",jenniferyoung03,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5ixt/asshole_dad_doesnt_support_my_dreams_long_rant/,24 year old recently graduated college ba art art ha passion since wa little kid hope one day exhibition showcasing art back 2019 month graduating college applied artist residence program knew probably get accepted residence usually popular wa still buliding career art still wanted try get experienced writing application though give go never know might lucky enough accepted particular application sent post asked mum stamp later day dad see stamp booklet asks wa mum told conpleatly lost shit started yelling mum wa arngry mum told plan apply residence could hear yelling bedroom came see wa remember everything happened wa said basically dad felt wa terrible idea residence good moving kept trying explain many benefit residence moving away forever besides wa 23 time lot people age lived away parent however get head around thought residence program legitimate despite fact found college lecture literally give u seminar apply residence keep yelling screaming causing mum cry sleep sister room night let event night keep pursuing dream fast forward day ago working another application artist residence one also ha sent post time tell dad went bed rolled eye say much next day printing application hear dad speaking negativity residence mum mum kind loving supportive dream really ask anyway come room tell dad hear talking say similar stuff said back 2019 think bad idea think moving belief looking rose tinted glass try explain stupid little kid following whimsical dream passion thing degree much plan pursuing reason cannot understand residence involves thought team residence made fairly obvious however try explain place live work produce artwork proper studio still shaking head saying bad idea ask think bad idea cut tell tell good idea try explain benefit making small bit watercolour painting bedroom studio would much ideal star asking question chose people explain send cover letter artist cv image work reason keep referring residence course mum tell course place live work seem understand say people benefit course people running seems believe paid attend residence waste time even asking parent money fund residence planned pay rent say looking work bit booomer seems think load job going round bothered get one true job long ago wa temporary contract work ended week ago ha nerve say ha unemployed since early 2000s mum main breadwinner happens related wealthy parent inherited load money died know struggle looking work strict budget asked prefer dead end job made miserable say like see job make happy sort suggests continue art side apparently working art residence much anyway getting back track mentioned think vulnerable ready move know going react enough money saved move stop moving living life even accepted residence program acting leaving live side world everything point ha upsetting stressful depressing go say good enough talented enough thst future residence future art fucking hurt highly suspected told already knew man even seen half art see capable understand art world work bad gotten ba still hard let word get still planning applying open call residence exhibition know talent work hard even currently good enough mean stop thing stop future art give give made,asshole dad support dream long rant,jennifer young 03,5984,49,jennifer young 03 24 year old recently graduated college ba art art ha passion since wa little kid hope one day exhibition showcasing art back 2019 month graduating college applied artist residence program knew probably get accepted residence usually popular wa still buliding career art still wanted try get experienced writing application though give go never know might lucky enough accepted particular application sent post asked mum stamp later day dad see stamp booklet asks wa mum told conpleatly lost shit started yelling mum wa arngry mum told plan apply residence could hear yelling bedroom came see wa remember everything happened wa said basically dad felt wa terrible idea residence good moving kept trying explain many benefit residence moving away forever besides wa 23 time lot people age lived away parent however get head around thought residence program legitimate despite fact found college lecture literally give u seminar apply residence keep yelling screaming causing mum cry sleep sister room night let event night keep pursuing dream fast forward day ago working another application artist residence one also ha sent post time tell dad went bed rolled eye say much next day printing application hear dad speaking negativity residence mum mum kind loving supportive dream really ask anyway come room tell dad hear talking say similar stuff said back 2019 think bad idea think moving belief looking rose tinted glass try explain stupid little kid following whimsical dream passion thing degree much plan pursuing reason cannot understand residence involves thought team residence made fairly obvious however try explain place live work produce artwork proper studio still shaking head saying bad idea ask think bad idea cut tell tell good idea try explain benefit making small bit watercolour painting bedroom studio would much ideal star asking question chose people explain send cover letter artist cv image work reason keep referring residence course mum tell course place live work seem understand say people benefit course people running seems believe paid attend residence waste time even asking parent money fund residence planned pay rent say looking work bit booomer seems think load job going round bothered get one true job long ago wa temporary contract work ended week ago ha nerve say ha unemployed since early 2000s mum main breadwinner happens related wealthy parent inherited load money died know struggle looking work strict budget asked prefer dead end job made miserable say like see job make happy sort suggests continue art side apparently working art residence much anyway getting back track mentioned think vulnerable ready move know going react enough money saved move stop moving living life even accepted residence program acting leaving live side world everything point ha upsetting stressful depressing go say good enough talented enough thst future residence future art fucking hurt highly suspected told already knew man even seen half art see capable understand art world work bad gotten ba still hard let word get still planning applying open call residence exhibition know talent work hard even currently good enough mean stop thing stop future art give give made asshole dad support dream long rant
I will never recover,I’ve reached a new point in hating myself I constantly feel as if I’m worthless and not good enough. I think about the days where I could just wake up and be happy and how I’ll never feel that again my life’s been hell for 3 years. I am not good enough for any girls because my body is disgusting and I can’t speak to them to save my life. I truly have no worth so little that my dad doesn’t even love me. I’ll be graduating hs in a few months and I’m scared because I know I’ll fuck up my whole life with my shitty decision making why the fuck did I have to be alive,ntwilkthrowaway,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5ikq/i_will_never_recover/,reached new point hating constantly feel worthless good enough think day could wake happy never feel life hell 3 year good enough girl body disgusting speak save life truly worth little dad even love graduating h month scared know fuck whole life shitty decision making fuck alive,never recover,nt wilk throwaway,567,20,nt wilk throwaway reached new point hating constantly feel worthless good enough think day could wake happy never feel life hell 3 year good enough girl body disgusting speak save life truly worth little dad even love graduating h month scared know fuck whole life shitty decision making fuck alive never recover
I’ve reached my breaking point-,"Okay so I have absolutely no one to talk to, so forgive me for ranting here and making little to no sense. I just really need to get things off my chest. 

I really want to die. I’ve reached the point where I would be fine with a car crashing into mine and killing me, or being shot, or getting a terminal illness; I’m not picky over how I die, I just want to vanish from Earth. And I’m too much of a coward to do it myself, though I think about it all the time. My family has grown attached to me, despite the fact that they used to hate my guts during my teenage years. I fixed my relationship with them, and I know dying would hurt them but I’m a selfish idiot. 

I recently started college and it’s awful. I used to be a great student in high school, the type of student teachers praise by saying they have a great future ahead of them. But along the way I fucked up. I feel dumber and dumber each day, I see my classmates learning quick while I struggle to understand a simple class. I can barely finish assignments on time and each day I find less reasons to finish them. I fear failing my classes, I’ve never failed one before but at the rate this is going I probably will. My family has put so many high expectations on me, and I’ve always known I would never meet them. 
I’m not even studying what I wanted because my mother disapproved of my original career choice. I wanted to study physics, but she made me study electronic engineering. 
The firsts exams were awful, I know I still have time to recover from my pitifully mediocre scores but I seriously doubt I will. 

I have no friends, my personality is awful and I never learned how to talk to people, I’m too awkward. I’m also incredibly hideous and fat, there’s nothing I like about myself. I absolutely loathe everything about myself. There’s no redeeming quality about me. I used to think I was smart but it’s clear I’m a dumb idiot that never should had been born. I wish my mother aborted me when she had the chance. I’m just a fucking waste of space. 

I can’t even cry anymore. Hell, I don’t even feel anything most of the time. I’m just numb, but sometimes I feel dread settle over me and not leave for days. I’m an useless, worthless piece of shit. I know that. I just want to disappear. I hope to fall asleep and never wake up. 
My birthday is in two days but I don’t think I can handle turning eighteen years old, I know not much will change but I can’t just keep living. Each day feels like torture, getting out of my bed takes too much of me and falling asleep is too difficult. I’m just really fucking tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. 

I just really want to die.",DaxCypher,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5i76/ive_reached_my_breaking_point/,okay absolutely one talk forgive ranting making little sense really need get thing chest really want die reached point would fine car crashing mine killing shot getting terminal illness picky die want vanish earth much coward though think time family ha grown attached despite fact used hate gut teenage year fixed relationship know dying would hurt selfish idiot recently started college awful used great student high school type student teacher praise saying great future ahead along way fucked feel dumber dumber day see classmate learning quick struggle understand simple class barely finish assignment time day find le reason finish fear failing class never failed one rate going probably family ha put many high expectation always known would never meet even studying wanted mother disapproved original career choice wanted study physic made study electronic engineering first exam awful know still time recover pitifully mediocre score seriously doubt friend personality awful never learned talk people awkward also incredibly hideous fat nothing like absolutely loathe everything redeeming quality used think wa smart clear dumb idiot never born wish mother aborted chance fucking waste space even cry anymore hell even feel anything time numb sometimes feel dread settle leave day useless worthless piece shit know want disappear hope fall asleep never wake birthday two day think handle turning eighteen year old know much change keep living day feel like torture getting bed take much falling asleep difficult really fucking tired time matter much sleep really want die,reached breaking point,dax cypher,2658,31,dax cypher okay absolutely one talk forgive ranting making little sense really need get thing chest really want die reached point would fine car crashing mine killing shot getting terminal illness picky die want vanish earth much coward though think time family ha grown attached despite fact used hate gut teenage year fixed relationship know dying would hurt selfish idiot recently started college awful used great student high school type student teacher praise saying great future ahead along way fucked feel dumber dumber day see classmate learning quick struggle understand simple class barely finish assignment time day find le reason finish fear failing class never failed one rate going probably family ha put many high expectation always known would never meet even studying wanted mother disapproved original career choice wanted study physic made study electronic engineering first exam awful know still time recover pitifully mediocre score seriously doubt friend personality awful never learned talk people awkward also incredibly hideous fat nothing like absolutely loathe everything redeeming quality used think wa smart clear dumb idiot never born wish mother aborted chance fucking waste space even cry anymore hell even feel anything time numb sometimes feel dread settle leave day useless worthless piece shit know want disappear hope fall asleep never wake birthday two day think handle turning eighteen year old know much change keep living day feel like torture getting bed take much falling asleep difficult really fucking tired time matter much sleep really want die reached breaking point
So tired of being alive,I wish  i had the guts to kill myself,Sadboy____,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe5gt2/so_tired_of_being_alive/,wish gut kill,tired alive,sad boy,37,23,sad boy wish gut kill tired alive
Feeling High on Lexapro,"[I'm not seeking any medical advice, just want to know if anyone has had similar experiences]

I've just started taking Lexapro for moderate depression and anxiety. For the first week I was prescribed 5mg, 10mg thereafter. It's been two days and I have this mild feeling like I'm on ecstasy/MDMA. My body feels light and I have this weird concentration of energy above my neck at the back of my head. 

Has anyone felt this/experienced this?",TheWolfOfMehico,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe03jp/feeling_high_on_lexapro/,seeking medical advice want know anyone ha similar experience started taking lexapro moderate depression anxiety first week wa prescribed 5mg 10mg thereafter two day mild feeling like ecstasy mdma body feel light weird concentration energy neck back head ha anyone felt experienced,feeling high lexapro,wolf meh ico,441,23,wolf meh ico seeking medical advice want know anyone ha similar experience started taking lexapro moderate depression anxiety first week wa prescribed 5mg 10mg thereafter two day mild feeling like ecstasy mdma body feel light weird concentration energy neck back head ha anyone felt experienced feeling high lexapro
Tired of it all,"I'm tired of faking confidence, because if you're not confident, no one will talk to you. I'm tired of faking happiness. I'm tired of being me. If you look at my post history, its all just complaining because I have no one else to tell, so I come to reddit. Complaining is all I'm good for. I dont have any worth, and my whole life is evidence that proves it. If I had the balls to actually kill myself, I probably would, but I'm afraid of hurting myself and death. I just can't take it anymore. I know that no one will save me, so I guess I'm just doomed to a life of below negative self esteem, perpetual loneliness and feeling sorry for myself.",Zakeutos,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdylwj/tired_of_it_all/,tired faking confidence confident one talk tired faking happiness tired look post history complaining one else tell come reddit complaining good dont worth whole life evidence prof ball actually kill probably would afraid hurting death take anymore know one save guess doomed life negative self esteem perpetual loneliness feeling sorry,tired,zak eu,647,15,zak eu tired faking confidence confident one talk tired faking happiness tired look post history complaining one else tell come reddit complaining good dont worth whole life evidence prof ball actually kill probably would afraid hurting death take anymore know one save guess doomed life negative self esteem perpetual loneliness feeling sorry tired
How did you know you were clinically depressed?,"I just don’t have feelings of happiness or feel good anymore. Everyday just feels like a cloudy dream over and over again. 

I used to have such a zest for life and over the last 3-4 years it has completely disappeared. 

I can’t go on living and feeling like this on a daily basis.",sl0601,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxg03/how_did_you_know_you_were_clinically_depressed/,feeling happiness feel good anymore everyday feel like cloudy dream used zest life last 3 4 year ha completely disappeared go living feeling like daily basis,know clinically depressed,sl 0601,282,47,sl 0601 feeling happiness feel good anymore everyday feel like cloudy dream used zest life last 3 4 year ha completely disappeared go living feeling like daily basis know clinically depressed
Today has been tough.,"Today has been harder than most. 

Bit backstory: my girlfriend and I recently broke up. It was something out of our control and I don’t blame her or hate her for it, but it meant upending my life and moving 300 miles away and back in with my parents after 7 years of being in my relationship and being independent. I left my life and my cats behind, they were basically holding me together at the time. I lost my job in September and have had a really hard time finding work. So as you can imagine I’m feeling pretty low right now. 

The main issue: my mother and I have never really gotten along. She’s unpleasant to be around for long periods of time. Fine in small doses though. She basically shits on everything I do or try to do. There’s always something negative that she brings to the equation that takes the wind out of my sails. 

I went for a job interview last week, it went okay. Wasn’t great, wasn’t terrible. I was confident that I was on the border of getting it. I got the rejection email this afternoon. It felt like I got kicked in the stomach by a shire horse. It was an awful feeling being knocked back. I applied for 43 jobs and that was my only interview and I didn’t get it. I was feeling pretty bad, then my mum came in to the room. She decided now was a good time to ask “what would you do if you didn’t have me and your dad to feed you and keep you?” A pleasant topic of conversation. I said, “well, I’d be homeless and sleeping rough I’d imagine mum.” She didn’t seem satisfied by this response and decided to go on a tirade about how I should seek unemployment benefits and such. Which I would, but my last ounce of pride won’t let me. I should also mention that I haven’t asked for a penny of charity from her since I got back. Anything she and my dad have paid for is listed on my phone and I fully intend on paying her back when I’m working or have some money coming in. I haven’t loaned money from my mum since I was at uni. Not because I didn’t need the help, I just couldn’t handle the arguing anymore. My sister however, currently owes my mum and dad thousands and they don’t chase her for it. Whenever she needs help they drop what they are doing to help her. I don’t know if I’m just bitter about that because my mum makes the statement “we treat you both the same” all the time, but I know they don’t. 

She continued to twist the knife until I couldn’t take it anymore and just walked out of the room. 

I should say, that she doesn’t seem to mind having me around when a delivery is coming and she wants to go and see a friend, or when I make lunch and dinner, or when I do housework. I feel like a should help out around the house where I can. Most of the time it’s not good enough for her, but at least I tried. 

After all of this I’m just left with this feeling of uselessness and that I’ll never be good enough. Maybe I’m being over sensitive with how much is going on (my ex and I broke up last month, so not that long ago). I don’t know. All I know is I’m not sure how much of this I can take.",ithinkineedhelp188,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe22sx/today_has_been_tough/,today ha harder bit backstory girlfriend recently broke wa something control blame hate meant upending life moving 300 mile away back parent 7 year relationship independent left life cat behind basically holding together time lost job september really hard time finding work imagine feeling pretty low right main issue mother never really gotten along unpleasant around long period time fine small dos though basically shit everything try always something negative brings equation take wind sail went job interview last week went okay great terrible wa confident wa border getting got rejection email afternoon felt like got kicked stomach shire horse wa awful feeling knocked back applied 43 job wa interview get wa feeling pretty bad mum came room decided wa good time ask would dad feed keep pleasant topic conversation said well homeless sleeping rough imagine mum seem satisfied response decided go tirade seek unemployment benefit would last ounce pride let also mention asked penny charity since got back anything dad paid listed phone fully intend paying back working money coming loaned money mum since wa uni need help handle arguing anymore sister however currently owes mum dad thousand chase whenever need help drop help know bitter mum make statement treat time know continued twist knife take anymore walked room say seem mind around delivery coming want go see friend make lunch dinner housework feel like help around house time good enough least tried left feeling uselessness never good enough maybe sensitive much going ex broke last month long ago know know sure much take,today ha tough,think need help 188,3041,21,think need help 188 today ha harder bit backstory girlfriend recently broke wa something control blame hate meant upending life moving 300 mile away back parent 7 year relationship independent left life cat behind basically holding together time lost job september really hard time finding work imagine feeling pretty low right main issue mother never really gotten along unpleasant around long period time fine small dos though basically shit everything try always something negative brings equation take wind sail went job interview last week went okay great terrible wa confident wa border getting got rejection email afternoon felt like got kicked stomach shire horse wa awful feeling knocked back applied 43 job wa interview get wa feeling pretty bad mum came room decided wa good time ask would dad feed keep pleasant topic conversation said well homeless sleeping rough imagine mum seem satisfied response decided go tirade seek unemployment benefit would last ounce pride let also mention asked penny charity since got back anything dad paid listed phone fully intend paying back working money coming loaned money mum since wa uni need help handle arguing anymore sister however currently owes mum dad thousand chase whenever need help drop help know bitter mum make statement treat time know continued twist knife take anymore walked room say seem mind around delivery coming want go see friend make lunch dinner housework feel like help around house time good enough least tried left feeling uselessness never good enough maybe sensitive much going ex broke last month long ago know know sure much take today ha tough
Maybe depression is preparing us to deal with the bad things and sadness that will come,I just had this thought and want to hear your opinion.,nidham21,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe224w/maybe_depression_is_preparing_us_to_deal_with_the/,thought want hear opinion,maybe depression preparing u deal bad thing sadness come,nid ham 21,54,87,nid ham 21 thought want hear opinion maybe depression preparing u deal bad thing sadness come
No motivation to do anything.,"Very painfully (for me) over the past few months I've lost my best friend. Despite my trying to make things better I couldn't salvage things. We've gone from a really good friendship to barely talking at the end of the day, mostly because of routine. I still care about this person greatly, but its pretty clear thats not the case for this person

Over that time period, my mental state has just gone down the drain. This person was really my only reason to get out of bed in the morning, and be the best version of me that I can be.

I've gone from an A student, to a B student, to a C student, and now im having trouble bringing myself to do any schoolwork at all. I just want to lay down and sleep, even though im getting less than 5 hours a night.

I've been having suicidal thoughts for the past month and I honestly dont know how much longer I can hold out, with the lonliness and the stress given for being an academic student (Canadian system)

I've always been more of a lonely kid, but over this friendship I was shown how much greener the grass is when you have someone to talk to, someone that (seems) to enjoy your company, and can make you smile.",CanadianLanBoy,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe20bu/no_motivation_to_do_anything/,painfully past month lost best friend despite trying make thing better salvage thing gone really good friendship barely talking end day mostly routine still care person greatly pretty clear thats case person time period mental state ha gone drain person wa really reason get bed morning best version gone student b student c student im trouble bringing schoolwork want lay sleep even though im getting le 5 hour night suicidal thought past month honestly dont know much longer hold lonliness stress given academic student canadian system always lonely kid friendship wa shown much greener grass someone talk someone seems enjoy company make smile,motivation anything,canadian lan boy,1160,29,canadian lan boy painfully past month lost best friend despite trying make thing better salvage thing gone really good friendship barely talking end day mostly routine still care person greatly pretty clear thats case person time period mental state ha gone drain person wa really reason get bed morning best version gone student b student c student im trouble bringing schoolwork want lay sleep even though im getting le 5 hour night suicidal thought past month honestly dont know much longer hold lonliness stress given academic student canadian system always lonely kid friendship wa shown much greener grass someone talk someone seems enjoy company make smile motivation anything
My local hospital doesn’t take my depression and PTSD seriously.,"A bit of background:
I’m 25, F and live in eastern Canada. I live in a small town where more people here fake being ill to get out of work or have other habits.

I’ve been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember being alive. I was first fully aware that I wanted to die since I was 6, I’ve begged for it every day of my life since then and every birthday, that’s what I wished for; even til this very day. 



I’ve been going to a doctor in my town to continue working on my depression, she prescribed me medication which started to make my state worse by an increased amount of suicidal thoughts, more flashbacks, and now irritation as well as mood swings. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, Dysthymia and Anxiety. I’m constantly trying to make it a point to address to every doctor I’ve been to in the past 8 years that I literally hate being alive and I’ve even been honest as to how many times in a span of a year Ive tried to commit suicide, even up to date. I’ve tried signing myself into our local hospital to try to be admitted to get real help and they’ve only ever kept me for a night each time. Ive begged to stay and I’m still sent home since I seem calm. 

I have always acted like I was fine in front of people since I was raised that it was not okay to be depressed or show negative emotions as I had an abusive mother. Because of that, I can’t express sadness normally, instead I just seem calm and most thing I’m being sarcastic or trying to be funny. I don’t openly cry in front of others since I honestly hate people seeing me cry when I’m a support figure for a lot of people I know. 


I’ve tried making appointments with psychiatrists (we don’t have psychologists at our hospital, they’re hours away and I can’t drive), but they often push Ativan which doesn’t react well with me. I’ve spoken to therapists and they have said I’m getting help in that way but I also need to be medicated if therapy isn’t doing much for me. 

Does anyone know what I should do?
I can’t keep fighting this anymore. I’ve been doing all that I can and I feel like it’ll never get better when all I do is hide in a bathroom and cry each night, wish that I was dead if there’s no fix for what’s going on or just isolate myself from others so I won’t be a burden anymore.",LadyDeathXIII,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe57lt/my_local_hospital_doesnt_take_my_depression_and/,bit background 25 f live eastern canada live small town people fake ill get work habit suffering depression long remember alive wa first fully aware wanted die since wa 6 begged every day life since every birthday wished even til day going doctor town continue working depression prescribed medication started make state worse increased amount suicidal thought flashback irritation well mood swing diagnosed ptsd dysthymia anxiety constantly trying make point address every doctor past 8 year literally hate alive even honest many time span year ive tried commit suicide even date tried signing local hospital try admitted get real help ever kept night time ive begged stay still sent home since seem calm always acted like wa fine front people since wa raised wa okay depressed show negative emotion abusive mother express sadness normally instead seem calm thing sarcastic trying funny openly cry front others since honestly hate people seeing cry support figure lot people know tried making appointment psychiatrist psychologist hospital hour away drive often push ativan react well spoken therapist said getting help way also need medicated therapy much doe anyone know keep fighting anymore feel like never get better hide bathroom cry night wish wa dead fix going isolate others burden anymore,local hospital take depression ptsd seriously,lady death xiii,2281,64,lady death xiii bit background 25 f live eastern canada live small town people fake ill get work habit suffering depression long remember alive wa first fully aware wanted die since wa 6 begged every day life since every birthday wished even til day going doctor town continue working depression prescribed medication started make state worse increased amount suicidal thought flashback irritation well mood swing diagnosed ptsd dysthymia anxiety constantly trying make point address every doctor past 8 year literally hate alive even honest many time span year ive tried commit suicide even date tried signing local hospital try admitted get real help ever kept night time ive begged stay still sent home since seem calm always acted like wa fine front people since wa raised wa okay depressed show negative emotion abusive mother express sadness normally instead seem calm thing sarcastic trying funny openly cry front others since honestly hate people seeing cry support figure lot people know tried making appointment psychiatrist psychologist hospital hour away drive often push ativan react well spoken therapist said getting help way also need medicated therapy much doe anyone know keep fighting anymore feel like never get better hide bathroom cry night wish wa dead fix going isolate others burden anymore local hospital take depression ptsd seriously
Worth?,"I hate always being reminded our lives are going to school, getting an education, hopefully get a good paying job and pay taxes. I know there are other stuff, Marriage or whatever. But as another year passes, I feel the years flying. I remember being in elementary telling my self in recess, “wow, I’m never getting to high school.” Here I am, I was a positive child and adults had hope for me. It’s sad to see depression hold me down. If I need to be happy I need to change something. I hate taking meds and being on a schedule. People are gonna treat me different if they find out. My dumb arrogant self also lashed out at my girl best friend. I think she hates me. I said sorry like a million times, I wrote paragraphs to get her to forgive me. She recently came up front and told me she was feeling suicidal recently, and me getting mad at her just made it worst. I’m trying to fix it as best as I can. She said if she can get a hug but she still won’t talk to me in class, hallways, or over text. Her reason is she doesn’t like getting personal. And she’s told me in the past she’s had family problems, so I know she’s stressed. I don’t know if I’m annoying her but I’m keeping positive vibes. Just today one of my “friends” with ADHD said his friend was gonna give him a gun and shoot two teachers. I trust one of my gym teachers the most in the school, more than my family. I mean the guys gone through it. I had him for class a year ago, and in that same year he was divorced. He knows depression and stress. Anyways I told him and he thanked me a bunch. I think he’s speculated I have depression, he’s a health teacher and I always talk to him so I know he knows somethings off. He sent me to the VP and told him the story. They both basically hailed me for keeping the school safe. And I’m grateful. I like being reminded people care for me, I just don’t see it. And neither do you probably. Think of an old teacher or friend you always talked too, I’m betting they’re missing you right now. 


Alright I know I wrote a lot but it just kind of blurted out, I knew I had some stuff going on, but now I’ve wrote it out I see the bigger picture of my self. I’m sorry if I’m not making sense, it doesn’t to me either.

Someone loves you, I swear about that. Don’t take your life, don’t take another’s, maintain those you love, because they love you back. 

I love you all,

Crispy",HeyAspect,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe57ei/worth/,hate always reminded life going school getting education hopefully get good paying job pay tax know stuff marriage whatever another year pass feel year flying remember elementary telling self recess wow never getting high school wa positive child adult hope sad see depression hold need happy need change something hate taking med schedule people gonna treat different find dumb arrogant self also lashed girl best friend think hate said sorry like million time wrote paragraph get forgive recently came front told wa feeling suicidal recently getting mad made worst trying fix best said get hug still talk class hallway text reason like getting personal told past family problem know stressed know annoying keeping positive vibe today one friend adhd said friend wa gonna give gun shoot two teacher trust one gym teacher school family mean guy gone class year ago year wa divorced know depression stress anyways told thanked bunch think speculated depression health teacher always talk know know somethings sent vp told story basically hailed keeping school safe grateful like reminded people care see neither probably think old teacher friend always talked betting missing right alright know wrote lot kind blurted knew stuff going wrote see bigger picture self sorry making sense either someone love swear take life take another maintain love love back love crispy,worth,hey aspect,2386,6,hey aspect hate always reminded life going school getting education hopefully get good paying job pay tax know stuff marriage whatever another year pass feel year flying remember elementary telling self recess wow never getting high school wa positive child adult hope sad see depression hold need happy need change something hate taking med schedule people gonna treat different find dumb arrogant self also lashed girl best friend think hate said sorry like million time wrote paragraph get forgive recently came front told wa feeling suicidal recently getting mad made worst trying fix best said get hug still talk class hallway text reason like getting personal told past family problem know stressed know annoying keeping positive vibe today one friend adhd said friend wa gonna give gun shoot two teacher trust one gym teacher school family mean guy gone class year ago year wa divorced know depression stress anyways told thanked bunch think speculated depression health teacher always talk know know somethings sent vp told story basically hailed keeping school safe grateful like reminded people care see neither probably think old teacher friend always talked betting missing right alright know wrote lot kind blurted knew stuff going wrote see bigger picture self sorry making sense either someone love swear take life take another maintain love love back love crispy worth
I’m just tired of it,"I just feel like nothing I ever do is enough.  I work hard and try to do my best but it never seems to be enough. My job is great except for the people in the office.  I came into work today and received a disciplinary meeting in two weeks.  I have not done anything out of the ordinary or wrong and my boss literally said to me last week “ all your hard work isn’t going unnoticed!”.  So this laughable disciplinary is a slap in the face.  Unless my boss meant that they think I suck?  This is exactly a year since the last time I was called in and interrogated/ yelled at for nothing.  I’m not sure if this is their need to assert dominance on workers that actually do their jobs so that they don’t move up/think they came move up.    I’m just so sick and tired of it.  My mother is dying, my brother is in jail with schizophrenia and I have no significant other. I’ve been working towards getting into a nursing program and I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get in.  I’ve quit drinking but suicidal thoughts sober are... sobering lol.  I just feel like life is a joke.",mjl42roll,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe575c/im_just_tired_of_it/,feel like nothing ever enough work hard try best never seems enough job great except people office came work today received disciplinary meeting two week done anything ordinary wrong bos literally said last week hard work going unnoticed laughable disciplinary slap face unless bos meant think suck exactly year since last time wa called interrogated yelled nothing sure need assert dominance worker actually job move think came move sick tired mother dying brother jail schizophrenia significant working towards getting nursing program know get quit drinking suicidal thought sober sobering lol feel like life joke,tired,mj l 42 roll,1074,20,mj l 42 roll feel like nothing ever enough work hard try best never seems enough job great except people office came work today received disciplinary meeting two week done anything ordinary wrong bos literally said last week hard work going unnoticed laughable disciplinary slap face unless bos meant think suck exactly year since last time wa called interrogated yelled nothing sure need assert dominance worker actually job move think came move sick tired mother dying brother jail schizophrenia significant working towards getting nursing program know get quit drinking suicidal thought sober sobering lol feel like life joke tired
The endless cycle,"My life is probably the worst it’s been in awhile. My parents basically tortured me as a child and now it’s gotten to the point I don’t talk to anyone. Not once. I used to be somewhat popular and have a lot of friends. Now since I’ve been here having suicidal thoughts and attempts, I pushed everyone away making me feel even worse it just feeds it self and I feel like the only out is death. Does anyone else feel this way?",Ohokionrememberaskin,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzsv2/the_endless_cycle/,life probably worst awhile parent basically tortured child gotten point talk anyone used somewhat popular lot friend since suicidal thought attempt pushed everyone away making feel even worse feed self feel like death doe anyone else feel way,endless cycle,oh oki remember skin,424,17,oh oki remember skin life probably worst awhile parent basically tortured child gotten point talk anyone used somewhat popular lot friend since suicidal thought attempt pushed everyone away making feel even worse feed self feel like death doe anyone else feel way endless cycle
What do you do when no one can help?,"I went to a school counselor to talk about some recent >!sexual!< trauma and general ill feelings and I left there feeling worse about myself.

I haven’t been to therapy since 2014, and it was mostly for dealing with depression symptoms.  Therapy helped me tremendously, and I felt better talking  with complete transparency about my baggage with someone equipped to handle it. I went back recently and the interaction boiled down to them telling me 1) I was medicated at too young of an age (started SSRIs very young) and therefore my parents raised me incorrectly, and 2) Skepticism that the therapy ever helped me. He literally asked me, “did that even help if you stopped going?”

He told me his background was in social service, and he recorded the session for the school’s records. He also told me that after this preliminary session he would refer me to a person with the proper  training, but after our session ultimately decided he would take me on for appointments “I don’t normally do this, but scheduling is too hard right now”

I'm moving to a new city soon, so I really feel scared about how I'm going to support myself. As someone who's generally self-sufficient this was sort of a heavy blow, since I really need someone to talk to.",dottielane,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzscs/what_do_you_do_when_no_one_can_help/,went school counselor talk recent gt sexual lt trauma general ill feeling left feeling worse therapy since 2014 wa mostly dealing depression symptom therapy helped tremendously felt better talking complete transparency baggage someone equipped handle went back recently interaction boiled telling 1 wa medicated young age started ssri young therefore parent raised incorrectly 2 skepticism therapy ever helped literally asked even help stopped going told background wa social service recorded session school record also told preliminary session would refer person proper training session ultimately decided would take appointment normally scheduling hard right moving new city soon really feel scared going support someone generally self sufficient wa sort heavy blow since really need someone talk,one help,dot tie lane,1254,36,dot tie lane went school counselor talk recent gt sexual lt trauma general ill feeling left feeling worse therapy since 2014 wa mostly dealing depression symptom therapy helped tremendously felt better talking complete transparency baggage someone equipped handle went back recently interaction boiled telling 1 wa medicated young age started ssri young therefore parent raised incorrectly 2 skepticism therapy ever helped literally asked even help stopped going told background wa social service recorded session school record also told preliminary session would refer person proper training session ultimately decided would take appointment normally scheduling hard right moving new city soon really feel scared going support someone generally self sufficient wa sort heavy blow since really need someone talk one help
I feel like it's my fault,"My cousin died last weekend. My dad and I did not attend the funeral because he molested me when I was a kid. My family is angry with us.... particularly my dad. There has been a rift for years and recently it felt like it was getting better but now it's all fucked again. Ever since he died I've had an overwhelming amount of emotions some angry, mostly angry.. now I feel sad for being the root cause of this rift. My family is angry and I can't tell them why. I don't want to and honestly what good would it do now. I'd rather just deal with it and move on. I feel like it's all my fault. Everything feels overwhelming I just feel like I can't.",rezerdee,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe54nz/i_feel_like_its_my_fault/,cousin died last weekend dad attend funeral molested wa kid family angry u particularly dad ha rift year recently felt like wa getting better fucked ever since died overwhelming amount emotion angry mostly angry feel sad root cause rift family angry tell want honestly good would rather deal move feel like fault everything feel overwhelming feel like,feel like fault,rez erde e,647,25,rez erde e cousin died last weekend dad attend funeral molested wa kid family angry u particularly dad ha rift year recently felt like wa getting better fucked ever since died overwhelming amount emotion angry mostly angry feel sad root cause rift family angry tell want honestly good would rather deal move feel like fault everything feel overwhelming feel like feel like fault
Realizing My Friends Might Not Really Care For Me The Way I Thought They Did,"   Well, I’ve been thinking about posting on here and you know what? Today I’m just going to do it. I’ve been feeling abnormally sad for almost five years now. I’ve never gone to get clinically diagnosed with depression so I won’t say I have it-but after having some dark thoughts these past three years...I won’t deny it if that ends up being the case.
   I have always had a small group of friends, and that circle is down to three. Out of those three friends, I have had one since 1st grade. After a mess up on my part (that happened almost three years ago), we haven’t been as close as we once were. We don’t share emotional things anymore. But we do laugh and joke a lot. That’s mainly what our friendship is now. We only talk when we see one another, and if we contact each other over text-she usually finds a way to cut the conversation short. I know I’m loosing her. It hurts but I know she will find someone better than me to be by her side....
   I have a second friend, she’s been my friend since 6th grade. I don’t feel like I’m loosing her as much as the others-but life issues are getting in the way of me seeing her so we haven’t been able to talk much-if at all...
  And my last-perhaps my closest friend now, just admitted today that he doesn’t believe in the whole ‘friendship’ ordeal. He said that he believes none of his friends actually like him-and he said that right to my face today. He’s detached from people, and when he thinks people don’t care about him...he doesn’t care about them. On top of that he’s been really distant lately, and we don’t have the deep conversations like we did in the past. When we talk it’s about nothing in particular and it hurts the most seeing him go because he’s always been there for me during my super low times. In response to what he said, I promised him that I would never stop trying to show him that I cared for him, but he brushed me off and said have fun trying.
   I feel like I’m loosing my friends slowly. I don’t talk to anyone anymore. I feel alone. I hate going out into public because that reminds me of how people have friends...when mine are slowly fading. I don’t know what to do anymore. They are the reason I’ve been pushing through-and the reason I have pushed through in these past five years. I don’t know what to do.
   I can’t talk to them because they aren’t very emotional, and the one that is (the one that I haven’t been able to see due to life issues) doesn’t deserve this type of weight on her shoulders. I guess this is just more of a vent to get this off my shoulders. I could go on and on about so many different things but...this is the one that has been killing me as of lately. 
   Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read this. And...I know I sound hypocritical but...please never give in. Please. You matter.",Vintage-T,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe54a8/realizing_my_friends_might_not_really_care_for_me/,well thinking posting know today going feeling abnormally sad almost five year never gone get clinically diagnosed depression say dark thought past three year deny end case always small group friend circle three three friend one since 1st grade mess part happened almost three year ago close share emotional thing anymore laugh joke lot mainly friendship talk see one another contact text usually find way cut conversation short know loosing hurt know find someone better side second friend friend since 6th grade feel like loosing much others life issue getting way seeing able talk much last perhaps closest friend admitted today believe whole friendship ordeal said belief none friend actually like said right face today detached people think people care care top really distant lately deep conversation like past talk nothing particular hurt seeing go always super low time response said promised would never stop trying show cared brushed said fun trying feel like loosing friend slowly talk anyone anymore feel alone hate going public reminds people friend mine slowly fading know anymore reason pushing reason pushed past five year know talk emotional one one able see due life issue deserve type weight shoulder guess vent get shoulder could go many different thing one ha killing lately thank much taking time day read know sound hypocritical please never give please matter,realizing friend might really care way thought,vintage,2827,76,vintage well thinking posting know today going feeling abnormally sad almost five year never gone get clinically diagnosed depression say dark thought past three year deny end case always small group friend circle three three friend one since 1st grade mess part happened almost three year ago close share emotional thing anymore laugh joke lot mainly friendship talk see one another contact text usually find way cut conversation short know loosing hurt know find someone better side second friend friend since 6th grade feel like loosing much others life issue getting way seeing able talk much last perhaps closest friend admitted today believe whole friendship ordeal said belief none friend actually like said right face today detached people think people care care top really distant lately deep conversation like past talk nothing particular hurt seeing go always super low time response said promised would never stop trying show cared brushed said fun trying feel like loosing friend slowly talk anyone anymore feel alone hate going public reminds people friend mine slowly fading know anymore reason pushing reason pushed past five year know talk emotional one one able see due life issue deserve type weight shoulder guess vent get shoulder could go many different thing one ha killing lately thank much taking time day read know sound hypocritical please never give please matter realizing friend might really care way thought
I feel like depression is inevitable from me,"I’m only 16 but feel like depression has been in my life forever I’ve been constantly low and down almost 3 years ago but I tried to ignore it exercising, eating healthy, joining groups in sports and playing fortnite :/ but I feel like I can’t get away from  it and it’s always following me even if I do try and go do something  I’ve been worse than I ever been everyone says that it gets better and it’ll improve and I’m sick of it if I didn’t have so many people i care about I would have ended my life instantly I don’t want to talk about it because how cliche it is and honestly think it doesn’t help talking to someone I hear what I hear actions and events are still the same I’m at a point where I actually don’t care about anything anymore and I’m just dead inside",KieraN8R,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzp9h/i_feel_like_depression_is_inevitable_from_me/,16 feel like depression ha life forever constantly low almost 3 year ago tried ignore exercising eating healthy joining group sport playing fortnite feel like get away always following even try go something worse ever everyone say get better improve sick many people care would ended life instantly want talk cliche honestly think help talking someone hear hear action event still point actually care anything anymore dead inside,feel like depression inevitable,kieran 8 r,771,44,kieran 8 r 16 feel like depression ha life forever constantly low almost 3 year ago tried ignore exercising eating healthy joining group sport playing fortnite feel like get away always following even try go something worse ever everyone say get better improve sick many people care would ended life instantly want talk cliche honestly think help talking someone hear hear action event still point actually care anything anymore dead inside feel like depression inevitable
I'm on edge,"I don't know if anyone will see this, but today feels different. I think I'm leaving soon",thdeathgrips,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy8oe/im_on_edge/,know anyone see today feel different think leaving soon,edge,th death grip,89,11,th death grip know anyone see today feel different think leaving soon edge
I’m such a fucking moron,"I just watched her walk to her car and leave, while I stood there an anxious mess, trying to force myself to go over to her and talk to her, say I thought she was really cute, and ask her out for coffee. Instead I just didn’t say anything, like the fucking idiot that I am. This was the last day of classes before spring break and I was telling myself the whole week to ask her out before break, but now I can’t. I have no plans for spring break other than working at my new job so I’m just gonna keep thinking about her and how stupid I was to not ask her out. I’m such a fucking moron",thedreamsicle,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1n2p/im_such_a_fucking_moron/,watched walk car leave stood anxious mess trying force go talk say thought wa really cute ask coffee instead say anything like fucking idiot wa last day class spring break wa telling whole week ask break plan spring break working new job gonna keep thinking stupid wa ask fucking moron,fucking moron,dream cle,586,24,dream cle watched walk car leave stood anxious mess trying force go talk say thought wa really cute ask coffee instead say anything like fucking idiot wa last day class spring break wa telling whole week ask break plan spring break working new job gonna keep thinking stupid wa ask fucking moron fucking moron
I just can't any more,I have a band concert today and I was excited for it because I was going to see my girlfriend there who I have not seen for a while because she has not been at school the past couple of days but she texted me saying she might not be able to go and that should not be a big deal but when ever I get bad news especially when I'm excited for something and then so one who I wanted to go with/see at something cancels it real effects my depression and right now not even self harm can help I'm questioning wether or not I should go on i would not go to the concert but I know my mom would force me to go and blame me not wanting to go on the fact my girlfriend is not going which in a way is true her not going caused my depression to start but me being depressed is why i don't want to go dealing with people when I'm depressed makes every thing worse and I don't know what to do I just can't take going on like this I need relief from the depression and anxiety I almost for got to say if thinks don't get better I'm going to use my tie to chock my self to death,deathincarnint,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1n0g/i_just_cant_any_more/,band concert today wa excited wa going see girlfriend seen ha school past couple day texted saying might able go big deal ever get bad news especially excited something one wanted go see something cancel real effect depression right even self harm help questioning wether go would go concert know mom would force go blame wanting go fact girlfriend going way true going caused depression start depressed want go dealing people depressed make every thing worse know take going like need relief depression anxiety almost got say think get better going use tie chock self death,,death car n,1060,21,death car n band concert today wa excited wa going see girlfriend seen ha school past couple day texted saying might able go big deal ever get bad news especially excited something one wanted go see something cancel real effect depression right even self harm help questioning wether go would go concert know mom would force go blame wanting go fact girlfriend going way true going caused depression start depressed want go dealing people depressed make every thing worse know take going like need relief depression anxiety almost got say think get better going use tie chock self death 
I'm tired of being alive,"I haven't been sleeping much lately, I wake up with heavy drowsiness, despite not being able to fall asleep. I don't want to continue like this, I don't want to live if this is what life is.

My daily thoughts are riddled with shame, regret, disappointment, anger, and worry. There is so much I wish I had done differently, or not at all. I don't talk to anyone about it because no one would quite understand. It is much easier said than done to not compare oneself to others, forgive, or move on from the past. I haven't lived a day of my life at the age of 25 because of my circumstances and poor decision making.

I feel helpless and powerless. The world is hostile, overly competitive, and parasitic. The deluded turn to their illusions of grandeur via religion, but no loving god would allow this atrocity of a world. I don't feel I have a place that I belong

I wish I had made friends sooner, I don't have anyone now and I feel that I am just a burden. I wish I had gotten a job instead of letting myself be pressured into post secondary education, I have no money or direction now and I feel that I am a failure. I wish I had stood up for myself in bad relationships, I don't have any self respect now and I feel that I am a weak loser. I wish I had matured sooner, I am very far behind in life and I feel that I cannot catch up. I wish I had any confidence in myself, I am convinced that it is too late to make anything worthwhile because the foundations of my life are rotten and building on rotten foundation is recipe for disaster.

I wish I had a better family, a better community, a better world to live in, and I wish I was a better person. No matter what anyone says, I don't believe much can change.

I'm not like others, I wish I was. I can't use social media at all because it floors me to see others doing things I wanted to do, and seeing the results of the better choices they made.

I wish life were easier, people were kinder, mistakes could be undone, and I wish I didn't feel so down all the time. I've long since learned that it doesn't matter what I think or want; I have no power, influence, or real drive left to change",GhostInTheShellx,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdw4re/im_tired_of_being_alive/,sleeping much lately wake heavy drowsiness despite able fall asleep want continue like want live life daily thought riddled shame regret disappointment anger worry much wish done differently talk anyone one would quite understand much easier said done compare oneself others forgive move past lived day life age 25 circumstance poor decision making feel helpless powerless world hostile overly competitive parasitic deluded turn illusion grandeur via religion loving god would allow atrocity world feel place belong wish made friend sooner anyone feel burden wish gotten job instead letting pressured post secondary education money direction feel failure wish stood bad relationship self respect feel weak loser wish matured sooner far behind life feel cannot catch wish confidence convinced late make anything worthwhile foundation life rotten building rotten foundation recipe disaster wish better family better community better world live wish wa better person matter anyone say believe much change like others wish wa use social medium floor see others thing wanted seeing result better choice made wish life easier people kinder mistake could undone wish feel time long since learned matter think want power influence real drive left change,tired alive,ghost shell x,2149,24,ghost shell x sleeping much lately wake heavy drowsiness despite able fall asleep want continue like want live life daily thought riddled shame regret disappointment anger worry much wish done differently talk anyone one would quite understand much easier said done compare oneself others forgive move past lived day life age 25 circumstance poor decision making feel helpless powerless world hostile overly competitive parasitic deluded turn illusion grandeur via religion loving god would allow atrocity world feel place belong wish made friend sooner anyone feel burden wish gotten job instead letting pressured post secondary education money direction feel failure wish stood bad relationship self respect feel weak loser wish matured sooner far behind life feel cannot catch wish confidence convinced late make anything worthwhile foundation life rotten building rotten foundation recipe disaster wish better family better community better world live wish wa better person matter anyone say believe much change like others wish wa use social medium floor see others thing wanted seeing result better choice made wish life easier people kinder mistake could undone wish feel time long since learned matter think want power influence real drive left change tired alive
i talk to myself consistently,"i hate you so fucking much, you’re so useless to everyone why do you actually waste space on this earth thinking you could be happy, you’re such a joke. you make me laugh you piece of fucking dog shit. you will never be happy and i hope you end up dead somewhere where nobody will find you and forget about you.... you have no friends because you’re worthless. you contribute nothing to everyone, i’ve never seen one person be so fucking ugly on the inside.. slit your wrists and bleed out stupid fucking cunt, how could you ruin MY happiness like that? who the fuck are you? oh right you’re nothing more than a worthless nobody that’ll drift out of everybody’s life like the useless pile of shit you are. blow your head off already, stop trying to live like someone’s going to stop you lmfao... you’re so disgusting you disgust me. fuck off you piss me off so much, I HATE YOU YOU FUCKING UGLY PIECE OF SHIT DIE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL YOU DO IS MESS UP YOU FUCKING STUPID PIECE OF SHIT YOU HAVE A GUN JUST FUCKING END IT YOU GARBAGE LMAO NOBODY GIVES TWO SHITS... i think you’ve managed to create a life that is not worth living anymore. i think having my brains shot out across the church parking lot where she used to “make up” with you is my plan. i feel so betrayed by everyone, but especially myself. how could i ruin this how could i ruin this i hate you so fucking much i hate the voices i keep hearing i HATE YOU this side of you this person i hate, and it’s YOU... you are i what i fucking despise you’re so fucking weird and unlovable no wonder she discarded you like trash BECAUSE THATS WHAT YOU ARE. you have no friends LMFAO you absolute fucking failure you’re actually a joke it makes me laugh. you type out paragraphs to yourself about how much of a piece of shit you are just to try to get it out of your head.. guess what i’m not leaving. until you fucking pull the trigger you worthless piece of garbage who actually thought your only friend would be yourself in the end lmao. that you’d be gone and NOBODY WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT YOU. BECAUSE N O B O D Y CARES. I fucking hate you. go to hell. i’m such a freak,  i’ll never have any friends because you stop talking to them because you take for granted what you have you idiot. the fuck is wrong with you ? you need medication you god damn freak... how could anyone care about such a piece of garbage. they don’t, idiot. that’s why they don’t. they all hate you just like the rest of your head, your consciousness is so fucking alone and it’s going to be forever alone in this shit life unless you end it. i can’t BELIEVE you actually thought you were getting healthier LMAO SURPRISE she gave you a little reminder of why you’re a useless waste of fucking space. you. don’t. belong. here. waste.",mersile_,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1l61/i_talk_to_myself_consistently/,hate fucking much useless everyone actually waste space earth thinking could happy joke make laugh piece fucking dog shit never happy hope end dead somewhere nobody find forget friend worthless contribute nothing everyone never seen one person fucking ugly inside slit wrist bleed stupid fucking cunt could ruin happiness like fuck oh right nothing worthless nobody drift everybody life like useless pile shit blow head already stop trying live like someone going stop lmfao disgusting disgust fuck piss much hate fucking ugly piece shit die fuck wrong mess fucking stupid piece shit gun fucking end garbage lmao nobody give two shit think managed create life worth living anymore think brain shot across church parking lot used make plan feel betrayed everyone especially could ruin could ruin hate fucking much hate voice keep hearing hate side person hate fucking despise fucking weird unlovable wonder discarded like trash thats friend lmfao absolute fucking failure actually joke make laugh type paragraph much piece shit try get head guess leaving fucking pull trigger worthless piece garbage actually thought friend would end lmao gone nobody would even think n b care fucking hate go hell freak never friend stop talking take granted idiot fuck wrong need medication god damn freak could anyone care piece garbage idiot hate like rest head consciousness fucking alone going forever alone shit life unless end believe actually thought getting healthier lmao surprise gave little reminder useless waste fucking space belong waste,talk consistently,mers ile,2777,29,mers ile hate fucking much useless everyone actually waste space earth thinking could happy joke make laugh piece fucking dog shit never happy hope end dead somewhere nobody find forget friend worthless contribute nothing everyone never seen one person fucking ugly inside slit wrist bleed stupid fucking cunt could ruin happiness like fuck oh right nothing worthless nobody drift everybody life like useless pile shit blow head already stop trying live like someone going stop lmfao disgusting disgust fuck piss much hate fucking ugly piece shit die fuck wrong mess fucking stupid piece shit gun fucking end garbage lmao nobody give two shit think managed create life worth living anymore think brain shot across church parking lot used make plan feel betrayed everyone especially could ruin could ruin hate fucking much hate voice keep hearing hate side person hate fucking despise fucking weird unlovable wonder discarded like trash thats friend lmfao absolute fucking failure actually joke make laugh type paragraph much piece shit try get head guess leaving fucking pull trigger worthless piece garbage actually thought friend would end lmao gone nobody would even think n b care fucking hate go hell freak never friend stop talking take granted idiot fuck wrong need medication god damn freak could anyone care piece garbage idiot hate like rest head consciousness fucking alone going forever alone shit life unless end believe actually thought getting healthier lmao surprise gave little reminder useless waste fucking space belong waste talk consistently
Drogs with 15,Im 15 and take a lot of different drogs and im Smoking just wanna know how can relate (sorry for my english im from Germany),Lil_Jr452,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1hqe/drogs_with_15/,im 15 take lot different drogs im smoking wanna know relate sorry english im germany,drogs 15,lil jr 452,124,13,lil jr 452 im 15 take lot different drogs im smoking wanna know relate sorry english im germany drogs 15
I belt myself to stop thinking about women and it's breaking me,"I was bullied for most of my school life. It started to get better at around 11th grade. Before that I have never really experianced girls that were nice to me. But for as long as I can think I have been dreaming about the soft touch of a woman. Not sexually but just being hugged. Or snuggling. Now at the end of 10th grade I started self-improving like theres no tomorrow. And it went uphill for me real quick. I started to work out daily, started fighting sports, joined the volunteer firefighters, volunteer wildlandfirefighters and recently sent out my application for the german red cross. It all went well exept one thing. I still wanted a girl to like me. Now more than ever before after I finished firefighting training and had my first ""psychologically demanding"" firecalls. Sometimes I just come home and wish that a girl would just come out of nowhere and hug me. I am still a kissless virgin even though from the outside I may even be desireable. At least thats what some people tell me. But because most of my life there weren't really any girls that were nice to me, I interpret every single nice thing from a girl as some kind of flirt. Then I get feelings for almost every single girl there was. They could be as bitchy as anything but as long as they're a woman, I would develop feelings for her and make advances. Openly flirting with almost every girl I knew. I was sort of known as the needy guy. Some people told me and I slowly realised that I had no chance with girls if I act like this. Then one of my ""favorite crushes"" (there are a lot of them) had a long talk to me. I told her how I felt about my needyness and my past. She told me I dont have any chance with her (she told me before) but that if I stopped thinking about girls all the time then maybe someone would actually turn up. That was the first time I really talked to someone about my problem and it was devastating. I couldn't stop thinking about women. For years when I'm home alone I'd pretend that there was a girl in my bed. Asking how ""her"" day was, making out with the pillow and everything. Sometimes at dinner I would put two plates on the table and just talk with ""her"" about ""her"" day. I didn't know how to help myself and because of all my volunteering work and sports I don't have time for a therapist. So then I had the idea of punishing myself if I'd think about women. And with no other ideas I started doing that. Every day I'd take my leather belt, take off my top and start belting away at my back. I'd take my phone and turn on porn and start belting myself so I would stop getting an erection when something sexual happens. At school and volunteering work I'd pinch my trizeps real hard whenever I'd think about women or would look at a girls butt or breasts. Now everytime I see a girl I'd just catch a glimpse of her and quickly look away. In the beginning it helped. I stopped thinking about girls. But after some time I was on edge all the time. Hurting myself at the slightest thought of someone. I'd look at women at firecalls or when I otherwise needed to. But otherwise I'd look away. And now it just hurts. My confidence has plumeted. I'm looking at the ground the whole time. I have spots on my back and arms. I am feeling like shit all day. Tired and with no motivation for anything anymore. I just dont know what to do anymore.",DerGuteAlteBen,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvb4i/i_belt_myself_to_stop_thinking_about_women_and/,wa bullied school life started get better around 11th grade never really experianced girl nice long think dreaming soft touch woman sexually hugged snuggling end 10th grade started self improving like tomorrow went uphill real quick started work daily started fighting sport joined volunteer firefighter volunteer wildlandfirefighters recently sent application german red cross went well exept one thing still wanted girl like ever finished firefighting training first psychologically demanding firecalls sometimes come home wish girl would come nowhere hug still kissless virgin even though outside may even desireable least thats people tell life really girl nice interpret every single nice thing girl kind flirt get feeling almost every single girl wa could bitchy anything long woman would develop feeling make advance openly flirting almost every girl knew wa sort known needy guy people told slowly realised chance girl act like one favorite crush lot long talk told felt needyness past told dont chance told stopped thinking girl time maybe someone would actually turn wa first time really talked someone problem wa devastating stop thinking woman year home alone pretend wa girl bed asking day wa making pillow everything sometimes dinner would put two plate table talk day know help volunteering work sport time therapist idea punishing think woman idea started every day take leather belt take top start belting away back take phone turn porn start belting would stop getting erection something sexual happens school volunteering work pinch trizeps real hard whenever think woman would look girl butt breast everytime see girl catch glimpse quickly look away beginning helped stopped thinking girl time wa edge time hurting slightest thought someone look woman firecalls otherwise needed otherwise look away hurt confidence ha plumeted looking ground whole time spot back arm feeling like shit day tired motivation anything anymore dont know anymore,belt stop thinking woman breaking,der gut e alte ben,3348,63,der gut e alte ben wa bullied school life started get better around 11th grade never really experianced girl nice long think dreaming soft touch woman sexually hugged snuggling end 10th grade started self improving like tomorrow went uphill real quick started work daily started fighting sport joined volunteer firefighter volunteer wildlandfirefighters recently sent application german red cross went well exept one thing still wanted girl like ever finished firefighting training first psychologically demanding firecalls sometimes come home wish girl would come nowhere hug still kissless virgin even though outside may even desireable least thats people tell life really girl nice interpret every single nice thing girl kind flirt get feeling almost every single girl wa could bitchy anything long woman would develop feeling make advance openly flirting almost every girl knew wa sort known needy guy people told slowly realised chance girl act like one favorite crush lot long talk told felt needyness past told dont chance told stopped thinking girl time maybe someone would actually turn wa first time really talked someone problem wa devastating stop thinking woman year home alone pretend wa girl bed asking day wa making pillow everything sometimes dinner would put two plate table talk day know help volunteering work sport time therapist idea punishing think woman idea started every day take leather belt take top start belting away back take phone turn porn start belting would stop getting erection something sexual happens school volunteering work pinch trizeps real hard whenever think woman would look girl butt breast everytime see girl catch glimpse quickly look away beginning helped stopped thinking girl time wa edge time hurting slightest thought someone look woman firecalls otherwise needed otherwise look away hurt confidence ha plumeted looking ground whole time spot back arm feeling like shit day tired motivation anything anymore dont know anymore belt stop thinking woman breaking
First post here many years of depression,"Hi, depression is something I’ve been dealing with off and on for at least 15 years. I’m 33 married with two young kids, I come from a family with parents who want to be supportive but do not really understand depression and mental health problems. It’s made worse by the fact my two younger siblings are already more accomplished than I am. Anyways I’ve been in therapy 3 times over the last 15 years and quite honestly it’s been a disaster each time, I’m to the point where I no longer believe in psychotherapy as a legitimate means to help myself.

This recent bout has started late October and has been moving into the severe, life affecting depression the last two months. It’s made much worse by having to look my wife and precious children in the eyes everyday knowing I’m failing them. My wonderful children 2.5 and 1 year old bring me so much joy but then so much anxiety that I am failing them, wasting my life in a malaise with no real impending problems. 

Probably the worst part is people who know me but don’t live with me would never know this, even when depressed I can fake it in social situations and I would say people think I’m funny, personable and when I’m not depressed I have a keen mind and have had some mild success in business or other endeavors. So people would be shocked to read or hear how tortured I feel mentally. 

Like an idiot I fell into old traps, trying to just “take the edge off” with a couple drinks in the morning just to get through the tough times, Which the veteran depressed reading this will be shaking their heads knowing how much worse that makes it. Luckily I recognized it early enough and cut it out cold turkey and haven’t had a sip in 10 days or so. Right now I just need some inertia to get out the door, run my small business and provide for them. Today is the worst I’ve felt in years, paralyzed by my demons, it’s absolute agony. 

Becoming a father has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but if I fail my children and wife I’ll never ever forgive myself. I need to face things head on but it’s that fear of what damage I’ve done the last few months being negligent and having to once again dig myself out of this hole. You see I know more major bouts of depression are in my future but I worry how many more recoveries I have in me, I make life so hard on myself with the inconsistencies, it’s such torture. 

Thanks for giving me a forum to say this.",Lionsjunkie,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduput/first_post_here_many_years_of_depression/,hi depression something dealing least 15 year 33 married two young kid come family parent want supportive really understand depression mental health problem made worse fact two younger sibling already accomplished anyways therapy 3 time last 15 year quite honestly disaster time point longer believe psychotherapy legitimate mean help recent bout ha started late october ha moving severe life affecting depression last two month made much worse look wife precious child eye everyday knowing failing wonderful child 2 5 1 year old bring much joy much anxiety failing wasting life malaise real impending problem probably worst part people know live would never know even depressed fake social situation would say people think funny personable depressed keen mind mild success business endeavor people would shocked read hear tortured feel mentally like idiot fell old trap trying take edge couple drink morning get tough time veteran depressed reading shaking head knowing much worse make luckily recognized early enough cut cold turkey sip 10 day right need inertia get door run small business provide today worst felt year paralyzed demon absolute agony becoming father ha best thing ever happened fail child wife never ever forgive need face thing head fear damage done last month negligent dig hole see know major bout depression future worry many recovery make life hard inconsistency torture thanks giving forum say,first post many year depression,lion junkie,2426,40,lion junkie hi depression something dealing least 15 year 33 married two young kid come family parent want supportive really understand depression mental health problem made worse fact two younger sibling already accomplished anyways therapy 3 time last 15 year quite honestly disaster time point longer believe psychotherapy legitimate mean help recent bout ha started late october ha moving severe life affecting depression last two month made much worse look wife precious child eye everyday knowing failing wonderful child 2 5 1 year old bring much joy much anxiety failing wasting life malaise real impending problem probably worst part people know live would never know even depressed fake social situation would say people think funny personable depressed keen mind mild success business endeavor people would shocked read hear tortured feel mentally like idiot fell old trap trying take edge couple drink morning get tough time veteran depressed reading shaking head knowing much worse make luckily recognized early enough cut cold turkey sip 10 day right need inertia get door run small business provide today worst felt year paralyzed demon absolute agony becoming father ha best thing ever happened fail child wife never ever forgive need face thing head fear damage done last month negligent dig hole see know major bout depression future worry many recovery make life hard inconsistency torture thanks giving forum say first post many year depression
Sertraline recovery tips,"I was given the disclaimer before starting (50mg, 3 weeks ago) that this wasn’t going to fix every issue in my life, but I’ve been feeling so tired, unhappy and unmotivated. Is there anything I can do in terms of self help?",oceanseyess,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4nie/sertraline_recovery_tips/,wa given disclaimer starting 50mg 3 week ago going fix every issue life feeling tired unhappy unmotivated anything term self help,sertraline recovery tip,ocean eye,223,24,ocean eye wa given disclaimer starting 50mg 3 week ago going fix every issue life feeling tired unhappy unmotivated anything term self help sertraline recovery tip
"Nothing matters anymore, getting worse"," Hi..I don't know where else to go. I am devastated right now, feeling like I'm spiraling out of control, I feel so fucking numb from crying my lungs out. Even my best friend is no longer supportive, my family, parents at home are shit. I have no real friends who care, and I can't be bothered to do anything right now, I just want to sleep without waking up to see another morning. I feel so fucking pathetic and shit, I cut myself regularly now and I'm having so much fucking self pity, I'm pretending to be normal because I don't want to lose my best friend, the only person who has helped me come this far from previous suicidal attempts. But suppressing it makes it so much fucking worse I feel like nobody fucking cares, no matter how many times I shout for help. No one close to me cares. I don't know what to do. I'm leaning towards paracetamol poisoning all over again, if I die I die, If I don't I try a different method. I just feel like absolute shit, jobless. I regret everything in my life, every fucking thing, I don't know who to trust anymore, I don't even have a fucking shoulder to lean on while crying my lungs out. Im in a LDR, from past 6 months, (not prior to that) as she's studying overseas, I can't even fucking have her hold me in her arms when I'm feeling like shit. She is the best and supportive, and my best friend but I can't hurt her by harming myself so It's a fucking struggle. I just feel so enraged and angry at everything..I can't fucking find a job due to covid-19. Sometimes it feels like If I had some money to get myself kicked off I can go near her and find a job and at least stay sane. But right now it all seems so fucking impossible I feel like I'm such a fucking mess and I just wish to fucking die right now, I feel so much burden when I inhale, I just want to die. I got no where else to go. I am planning on consuming meds tonight I just can't do it anymore.",mjdg25,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdv68p/nothing_matters_anymore_getting_worse/,hi know else go devastated right feeling like spiraling control feel fucking numb cry lung even best friend longer supportive family parent home shit real friend care bothered anything right want sleep without waking see another morning feel fucking pathetic shit cut regularly much fucking self pity pretending normal want lose best friend person ha helped come far previous suicidal attempt suppressing make much fucking worse feel like nobody fucking care matter many time shout help one close care know leaning towards paracetamol poisoning die die try different method feel like absolute shit jobless regret everything life every fucking thing know trust anymore even fucking shoulder lean cry lung im ldr past 6 month prior studying overseas even fucking hold arm feeling like shit best supportive best friend hurt harming fucking struggle feel enraged angry everything fucking find job due covid 19 sometimes feel like money get kicked go near find job least stay sane right seems fucking impossible feel like fucking mess wish fucking die right feel much burden inhale want die got else go planning consuming med tonight anymore,nothing matter anymore getting worse,mj g 25,1909,38,mj g 25 hi know else go devastated right feeling like spiraling control feel fucking numb cry lung even best friend longer supportive family parent home shit real friend care bothered anything right want sleep without waking see another morning feel fucking pathetic shit cut regularly much fucking self pity pretending normal want lose best friend person ha helped come far previous suicidal attempt suppressing make much fucking worse feel like nobody fucking care matter many time shout help one close care know leaning towards paracetamol poisoning die die try different method feel like absolute shit jobless regret everything life every fucking thing know trust anymore even fucking shoulder lean cry lung im ldr past 6 month prior studying overseas even fucking hold arm feeling like shit best supportive best friend hurt harming fucking struggle feel enraged angry everything fucking find job due covid 19 sometimes feel like money get kicked go near find job least stay sane right seems fucking impossible feel like fucking mess wish fucking die right feel much burden inhale want die got else go planning consuming med tonight anymore nothing matter anymore getting worse
You ever wonder if your diagnosis is wrong?,"I’ve been diagnosed with depression by two different doctors, but they would do their consults so quickly I think they could be wrong.
I don’t feel like hurting myself, I don’t feel like killing myself (even though I think about how I would do it), I just can’t do things.
Looking of how it is for other people I wonder if I haven’t been misdiagnosed, and be just lazy.",Mesacasa1,12,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxh2u/you_ever_wonder_if_your_diagnosis_is_wrong/,diagnosed depression two different doctor would consults quickly think could wrong feel like hurting feel like killing even though think would thing looking people wonder misdiagnosed lazy,ever wonder diagnosis wrong,mesa casa 1,369,43,mesa casa 1 diagnosed depression two different doctor would consults quickly think could wrong feel like hurting feel like killing even though think would thing looking people wonder misdiagnosed lazy ever wonder diagnosis wrong
I am god,"Because people only talk to me when they need something,I think I will start asking something in return like gods do",gafsr,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe4f9u/i_am_god/,people talk need something think start asking something return like god,god,ga f sr,116,8,ga f sr people talk need something think start asking something return like god god
I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care I DONT FUCKING CARE,"I don’t care anymore... about this life about school tomorrow about my weight about socializing about music about art about tv shows about partying about the pretty “aesthetics of the world around us” about coping mechanisms about anybody... about life.

I’m tired of this life I’m laying here in bed crying shutting my eyes as hard as I can hoping the darkness will erase my existence. 
Hoping it’ll all go away why do I have to control my life I DONT WANT TO BE here!

I don’t care about my life anymore if I go to hell its whatever I don’t care i don’t even believe in hell I just wish to disappear into the vastness of this infinite universe",gloomyskeleton,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrd6g/i_dont_care_i_dont_care_i_dont_care_i_dont_care_i/,care anymore life school tomorrow weight socializing music art tv show partying pretty aesthetic world around u coping mechanism anybody life tired life laying bed cry shutting eye hard hoping darkness erase existence hoping go away control life dont want care life anymore go hell whatever care even believe hell wish disappear vastness infinite universe,care care care care care dont fucking care,gloomy skeleton,645,84,gloomy skeleton care anymore life school tomorrow weight socializing music art tv show partying pretty aesthetic world around u coping mechanism anybody life tired life laying bed cry shutting eye hard hoping darkness erase existence hoping go away control life dont want care life anymore go hell whatever care even believe hell wish disappear vastness infinite universe care care care care care dont fucking care
i’d be with almost anybody at this point.,i met this girl at walmart she was the cashier she was kinda smiling a little bit and i felt all warm inside why can’t i feel like that all the time now i’m back alone in my house i need a girlfriend.,lIlFlashIlI,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe46lt/id_be_with_almost_anybody_at_this_point/,met girl walmart wa cashier wa kinda smiling little bit felt warm inside feel like time back alone house need girlfriend,almost anybody point,lil flash ili,200,41,lil flash ili met girl walmart wa cashier wa kinda smiling little bit felt warm inside feel like time back alone house need girlfriend almost anybody point
Hope I dont survive my suicide,I will kill myself next week but I am afraid i will somehow survive ...,Naoyya,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduopl/hope_i_dont_survive_my_suicide/,kill next week afraid somehow survive,hope dont survive suicide,nao yy,71,30,nao yy kill next week afraid somehow survive hope dont survive suicide
Empty,"My life is on repeat. I wake up and do the same things over again every single day. I don’t have any friends, I have no one. I feel so empty and alone. I guess it’s another on of these nights for me when I just sit and stare into nothing and think about how crap my life is. Seeing everyone happy having a great time meanwhile I am home. 18 years old about to graduate. Don’t even know if I want to go to college. I always think about ending it when it comes to that time.",Purple-Relation,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrejn/empty/,life repeat wake thing every single day friend one feel empty alone guess another night sit stare nothing think crap life seeing everyone happy great time meanwhile home 18 year old graduate even know want go college always think ending come time,empty,purple relation,472,5,purple relation life repeat wake thing every single day friend one feel empty alone guess another night sit stare nothing think crap life seeing everyone happy great time meanwhile home 18 year old graduate even know want go college always think ending come time empty
Things,I wish I had a person to have a big argument with. Why? Because it’s a way to let my anger out and that person gets to call me names.,davinshii,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe00tp/things/,wish person big argument way let anger person get call name,thing,dav shii,133,6,dav shii wish person big argument way let anger person get call name thing
My life feels like someone forgot to turn the “bad things for character development” switch off and I’m just suffering every day for the past year,"Literally everything is falling apart. I don’t know how much more I can take, or want to. I understand that pain makes you stronger but at this point I’m just numb, and I’m not learning from these setbacks. I feel like all the effort I put to try and make my life something worth living is just not yielding anything while everyone else is just getting ahead. I don’t know how to get motivated or even get up anymore.",rukiahayashi,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduqnc/my_life_feels_like_someone_forgot_to_turn_the_bad/,literally everything falling apart know much take want understand pain make stronger point numb learning setback feel like effort put try make life something worth living yielding anything everyone else getting ahead know get motivated even get anymore,life feel like someone forgot turn bad thing character development switch suffering every day past year,rukia hayashi,417,146,rukia hayashi literally everything falling apart know much take want understand pain make stronger point numb learning setback feel like effort put try make life something worth living yielding anything everyone else getting ahead know get motivated even get anymore life feel like someone forgot turn bad thing character development switch suffering every day past year
Why do I wake up for tomorrow?,"I'm 23 years old I don't know what to even do with my life, I just work long hours (11 to 12) for 400 a week and when I do get time off I want to stream even tho I don't have a set up at all but I get taken over by low motivation. And I don't leave my room. I don't go out to do much.",BlakMarble22,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzu34/why_do_i_wake_up_for_tomorrow/,23 year old know even life work long hour 11 12 400 week get time want stream even tho set get taken low motivation leave room go much,wake tomorrow,blak marble 22,284,30,blak marble 22 23 year old know even life work long hour 11 12 400 week get time want stream even tho set get taken low motivation leave room go much wake tomorrow
I need help I am sad,"Hi so I would like to know what's your opinion on this.

So there was an activity at my college, in which students from different schools were coming the univ to see it and explore it. When they came, the college gave them a ticket to get a free meal. We, students of the college itself, are really unhappy with the university because they always have money for anything but the university itself, charging us a lot of money for things that are not there. So we, unleashed, decided to take back what's ours. One guy printed out a lot (maybe like 15-20) tickets of the food and we went there to get the food by ourselves. So at the end of the day, the food was done earlier than usual. We did it only for 2 days out of the 3 days the whole college stuff was happening.  We didnt do it the last day cause they realized something was wrong and printed out a different ticket. So we didnt go, also because they were being suspicious and asking questions. 

Do you think we are getting punished?it was only like 25 juice boxes and sandwiches, that's it, out of the probably 200 or 300 there were there.


This has me so preoccupied omg.",Moreta16,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3cg8/i_need_help_i_am_sad/,hi would like know opinion wa activity college student different school coming univ see explore came college gave ticket get free meal student college really unhappy university always money anything university charging u lot money thing unleashed decided take back one guy printed lot maybe like 15 20 ticket food went get food end day food wa done earlier usual 2 day 3 day whole college stuff wa happening didnt last day cause realized something wa wrong printed different ticket didnt go also suspicious asking question think getting punished wa like 25 juice box sandwich probably 200 300 ha preoccupied omg,need help sad,moret 16,1131,20,moret 16 hi would like know opinion wa activity college student different school coming univ see explore came college gave ticket get free meal student college really unhappy university always money anything university charging u lot money thing unleashed decided take back one guy printed lot maybe like 15 20 ticket food went get food end day food wa done earlier usual 2 day 3 day whole college stuff wa happening didnt last day cause realized something wa wrong printed different ticket didnt go also suspicious asking question think getting punished wa like 25 juice box sandwich probably 200 300 ha preoccupied omg need help sad
I thought i just had....,"I've been living w/ my depressio  for about 12 years now, and i have manege to find a way to handle it without any medication. Still i find the relaxing effect alcohol have on me frightening. Is this anything that occurs alot among others. 

That said my depression stems from an early age abandoment issue ( i was 4 months old when left at an orphanage). What is youre way to handle it, maby i can find a new way. And if you have questions do tell. 


Also I'm not sober atm xD. But w/ my SO. 

And always remember, there is always someone to talk to, even if it may take some searching to find 'em",Wallecoffe,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3bq3/i_thought_i_just_had/,living w depressio 12 year manege find way handle without medication still find relaxing effect alcohol frightening anything occurs alot among others said depression stem early age abandoment issue wa 4 month old left orphanage youre way handle maby find new way question tell also sober atm xd w always remember always someone talk even may take searching find em,thought,wall eco ffe,599,24,wall eco ffe living w depressio 12 year manege find way handle without medication still find relaxing effect alcohol frightening anything occurs alot among others said depression stem early age abandoment issue wa 4 month old left orphanage youre way handle maby find new way question tell also sober atm xd w always remember always someone talk even may take searching find em thought
Career,"I hate my job, but I need to keep having income so that I can support myself. But is starting to become so hard to get out of bed that I am continuously late to work. Should I just quit? Has anyone else had a similar experience?",malflynn,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe3adc/career/,hate job need keep income support starting become hard get bed continuously late work quit ha anyone else similar experience,career,mal flynn,228,6,mal flynn hate job need keep income support starting become hard get bed continuously late work quit ha anyone else similar experience career
"Ayyy, this bad bitch just got released from psychiatry","I almost ended up in the psych ward, kinda voluntarily because they asked me if i want to stay or go home and i said to go home but i kinda regret that now, idk why tbh",depressed-alt-acc,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdu17v/ayyy_this_bad_bitch_just_got_released_from/,almost ended psych ward kinda voluntarily asked want stay go home said go home kinda regret idk tbh,ayyy bad bitch got released psychiatry,depressed alt acc,168,54,depressed alt acc almost ended psych ward kinda voluntarily asked want stay go home said go home kinda regret idk tbh ayyy bad bitch got released psychiatry
Getting work done when Depression is telling you that you can’t do anything and you’re worth nothing kills me. (Unfortunately not literally),"Hey. 16M here. I’m just a wee little high schooler but I feel like I’ve been through a whole ass war with my own fucking brain. For context, my depression got intense at around 7th-9th grade. Finally it’s started to slow down and I don’t want to kill myself as much as I did in middle school. But not everything’s is so hunky dory. I don’t know if I’m alone on this and I doubt I am, but it’s so hard to get motivated to do anything but play video games and smoke weed. Now I know I’ll probably be told that the weed isn’t helping with my motivation, which it isn’t, but that isn’t the issue. My issue is that I don’t have any drive to want to better myself or to do anything other than what is fun to me. Am I alone here? Is this because of something other than my depression? 

I never do homework, I never study, and these days it’s actually affecting all of my grades and that kills me because I could get away with doing *some* of my homework and get amazing grades on tests and 9 times out of 10 I’d pass with a C or above. But now I’m getting Fs in my classes and I just want to quit. I can’t find a reason to continue being in this useless place we call school for my “education”. Anyway, you probably have something better to do than to talk to me so, I’d better get back to “work”.",LeagueofDraven1221,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdv99l/getting_work_done_when_depression_is_telling_you/,hey 16m wee little high schooler feel like whole war fucking brain context depression got intense around 7th 9th grade finally started slow want kill much middle school everything hunky dory know alone doubt hard get motivated anything play video game smoke weed know probably told weed helping motivation issue issue drive want better anything fun alone something depression never homework never study day actually affecting grade kill could get away homework get amazing grade test 9 time 10 pas c getting f class want quit find reason continue useless place call school education anyway probably something better talk better get back work,getting work done depression telling anything worth nothing kill unfortunately literally,league raven 1221,1291,140,league raven 1221 hey 16m wee little high schooler feel like whole war fucking brain context depression got intense around 7th 9th grade finally started slow want kill much middle school everything hunky dory know alone doubt hard get motivated anything play video game smoke weed know probably told weed helping motivation issue issue drive want better anything fun alone something depression never homework never study day actually affecting grade kill could get away homework get amazing grade test 9 time 10 pas c getting f class want quit find reason continue useless place call school education anyway probably something better talk better get back work getting work done depression telling anything worth nothing kill unfortunately literally
How to approach therapy/councelling?,"Hey, I'm a 17yo living in the Uk and i was just looking for any advice on therapy/councelling anyone could share

The only real experience ive had with councelling was having these 'negative thought sessions' when i was like 8/9 it was pretty brief after the person conducting unfortunately fell really ill and had to go off sick and i never really heard from them again, other then that i had one session when i was about 13/14 with the school counsellor when she said she'd check in with me and never did after that.

I just dont want to mess this up, i find reaching out really hard and here i am legitimately trying on my own accord for the first time without anyone elses input

Any advice on how to get therapy or even just what i should do if i do manage to get any sessions somewhere?",MoSkogs,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzdna/how_to_approach_therapycouncelling/,hey 17yo living uk wa looking advice therapy councelling anyone could share real experience ive councelling wa negative thought session wa like 8 9 wa pretty brief person conducting unfortunately fell really ill go sick never really heard one session wa 13 14 school counsellor said check never dont want mess find reaching really hard legitimately trying accord first time without anyone el input advice get therapy even manage get session somewhere,approach therapy councelling,mo ko g,792,36,mo ko g hey 17yo living uk wa looking advice therapy councelling anyone could share real experience ive councelling wa negative thought session wa like 8 9 wa pretty brief person conducting unfortunately fell really ill go sick never really heard one session wa 13 14 school counsellor said check never dont want mess find reaching really hard legitimately trying accord first time without anyone el input advice get therapy even manage get session somewhere approach therapy councelling
Envious of my patient,"I had a patient who was unconscious due to a large spontaneous brain hemorrhage. I remember just gazing at their face and thinking, they don't feel anything. Nothing can hurt them or make them feel sad. Part of me wondered whether it would just be better if they didn't wake up at all and I realized that I must be very sad at the moment to think in such a way. Of course I want them to wake up, be well again, and for the medical team to strive to save their life. I'm just really in a sad place right now.",BlinkTrace,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvyri/envious_of_my_patient/,patient wa unconscious due large spontaneous brain hemorrhage remember gazing face thinking feel anything nothing hurt make feel sad part wondered whether would better wake realized must sad moment think way course want wake well medical team strive save life really sad place right,envious patient,blink trace,507,21,blink trace patient wa unconscious due large spontaneous brain hemorrhage remember gazing face thinking feel anything nothing hurt make feel sad part wondered whether would better wake realized must sad moment think way course want wake well medical team strive save life really sad place right envious patient
"Exes,Horniness, and Depression",You ever break up with your gf cus you want to be independent and you don’t think you want to be with that person and you feel fine the first month and then after that it hits you that you’ll never be able to hit that ever again or see that body or talk to them every night and you contemplate on how fucking stupid you are to do such a thing and then get depressed and a couple weeks later realize you made the right choice and then the cycle keeps repeating throughout the year,idkmyname567,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzc86/exeshorniness_and_depression/,ever break gf cu want independent think want person feel fine first month hit never able hit ever see body talk every night contemplate fucking stupid thing get depressed couple week later realize made right choice cycle keep repeating throughout year,ex horniness depression,dk name 567,479,30,dk name 567 ever break gf cu want independent think want person feel fine first month hit never able hit ever see body talk every night contemplate fucking stupid thing get depressed couple week later realize made right choice cycle keep repeating throughout year ex horniness depression
The vicious circle of loneliness/depression 🔄,Alone because of a lack of self confidence ↪️ Not being able to give nor receive love and affection ↪️ Feeling of being unwanted/undesired ↪️ Loss of self confidence intensifies ↪️ Isolation : no more opportunities to meet new people ↪️ Depression ↪️ Feeling of being worthless ↪️ Not achieving anything : ashamed of yourself 🔂,Raphelm,18,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdidob/the_vicious_circle_of_lonelinessdepression/,alone lack self confidence able give receive love affection feeling unwanted undesired loss self confidence intensifies isolation opportunity meet new people depression feeling worthless achieving anything ashamed,vicious circle loneliness depression,rap helm,327,45,rap helm alone lack self confidence able give receive love affection feeling unwanted undesired loss self confidence intensifies isolation opportunity meet new people depression feeling worthless achieving anything ashamed vicious circle loneliness depression
"Thought I did well on my midterms, just learned I barely passed them and can’t get over how I feel like my life is caving in",I’ve been in a serious depressive episode for a couple months and I’ve always been able to say “at least I do good in school”. I need to do good so I can go to a good university after I graduate from this shitty community college and after studying my ass off I thought I actually did well on my midterms but I just barely scraped by. I can’t get over how awful I feel and I know I’m overreacting. I know it’s not the end of the world and I can improve my grades but I feel like a fucking idiot who can’t do anything right and I know all of my professors are probably laughing at how terrible my tests were. All I want to do is cut myself and lay in bed during spring break because I don’t deserve to do anything else. Why can’t I just think rationally about this shit instead of blowing it out of proportion? It’s probably my autism coming through. I told myself it would get better. It’s not. I planned March 20th for my suicide. I cant fucking wait.,Saikujo,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdytw3/thought_i_did_well_on_my_midterms_just_learned_i/,serious depressive episode couple month always able say least good school need good go good university graduate shitty community college studying thought actually well midterm barely scraped get awful feel know overreacting know end world improve grade feel like fucking idiot anything right know professor probably laughing terrible test want cut lay bed spring break deserve anything else think rationally shit instead blowing proportion probably autism coming told would get better planned march 20th suicide cant fucking wait,thought well midterm learned barely passed get feel like life caving,sai kuj,952,124,sai kuj serious depressive episode couple month always able say least good school need good go good university graduate shitty community college studying thought actually well midterm barely scraped get awful feel know overreacting know end world improve grade feel like fucking idiot anything right know professor probably laughing terrible test want cut lay bed spring break deserve anything else think rationally shit instead blowing proportion probably autism coming told would get better planned march 20th suicide cant fucking wait thought well midterm learned barely passed get feel like life caving
"Even when things start going well, I feel like it’s always my fault when things go wrong.","I feel like a lot less bad things would happen to people around me if I wasn’t around. I feel like a burden.

I feel like I just always end up causing bad things to happen to everyone around me, which I try -so- hard to prevent. 

But even the things that are out of my control, still feel like they wouldn’t have happened, if I wasn’t around to cause that string of events to happen. And I always blame myself.",Shadowslights,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdumpi/even_when_things_start_going_well_i_feel_like_its/,feel like lot le bad thing would happen people around around feel like burden feel like always end causing bad thing happen everyone around try hard prevent even thing control still feel like happened around cause string event happen always blame,even thing start going well feel like always fault thing go wrong,shadow light,411,89,shadow light feel like lot le bad thing would happen people around around feel like burden feel like always end causing bad thing happen everyone around try hard prevent even thing control still feel like happened around cause string event happen always blame even thing start going well feel like always fault thing go wrong
What do you do when you have no passion for anything and more than 5 hours of free time?,Besides drinking and crying until I pass out.,unicorn6642,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdyrvz/what_do_you_do_when_you_have_no_passion_for/,besides drinking cry pas,passion anything 5 hour free time,unicorn 6642,45,88,unicorn 6642 besides drinking cry pas passion anything 5 hour free time
"Looked In the mirror, and fuck man.","

I have run into 2 major problems in my life atm, it has been eating away at me for the better part of a month. I’ll give you some backstory:

I have people pleaser all my life. I feel like I have always gone with the flow, with people’s expectations of me rather than have my own. I have done that since I was a kid and I’m now turning 20 this year, And with that being said the first problem I have run into is, I don’t know what I want and like partly due to the depression. But mostly due to the fact that I’ve never really done or said what I wanted to to outside forces shutting me down at every turn (school, parents etc.). Idk and it’s driving me up a wall.


2: I thought hard about the people pleaser trait in my being a lot and I have come to this conclusion, I hate who I am. I believe that I am selfish and feel because I haven’t done what I have wanted in my life I am inauthentic. So I go and look for outside validation and love because I feel like I am incapable of it. But when I receive it, and it doesn’t hit the way I wanted it to or things are too fast or far. Like a addict I dump them and look for a new person to give me that feeling I long for. It’s fucked up, because the other people care about me and I do to to an extent, but I prioritize my own feelings and shit first. And that realization fucked me up so bad. Real bad.  


Any thoughts would be great because I’m so lost rn. Thanks",BlacktainAmerika,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtywz/looked_in_the_mirror_and_fuck_man/,run 2 major problem life atm ha eating away better part month give backstory people pleaser life feel like always gone flow people expectation rather done since wa kid turning 20 year said first problem run know want like partly due depression mostly due fact never really done said wanted outside force shutting every turn school parent etc idk driving wall 2 thought hard people pleaser trait lot come conclusion hate believe selfish feel done wanted life inauthentic go look outside validation love feel like incapable receive hit way wanted thing fast far like addict dump look new person give feeling long fucked people care extent prioritize feeling shit first realization fucked bad real bad thought would great lost rn thanks,looked mirror fuck man,black tain amerika,1416,35,black tain amerika run 2 major problem life atm ha eating away better part month give backstory people pleaser life feel like always gone flow people expectation rather done since wa kid turning 20 year said first problem run know want like partly due depression mostly due fact never really done said wanted outside force shutting every turn school parent etc idk driving wall 2 thought hard people pleaser trait lot come conclusion hate believe selfish feel done wanted life inauthentic go look outside validation love feel like incapable receive hit way wanted thing fast far like addict dump look new person give feeling long fucked people care extent prioritize feeling shit first realization fucked bad real bad thought would great lost rn thanks looked mirror fuck man
Shaved my head and started writing letters,"With so many posts on here (like almost 1 per minute) I'm not really expecting or even asking for a response. I just felt some unexplainable obligation to post somewhere that I've finally started taking real action towards the end. Shaved my head so if I decide to put a bullet through my skull there won't be hair everywhere. I also wrote my first letter to my child and continue to write. Don't know when for sure, but I'm pretty set on soon. Not looking for advice or ""don't do it""s. This is my only active community online so I felt I should leave something here. Thanks for reading.",FadingNegative,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdowmm/shaved_my_head_and_started_writing_letters/,many post like almost 1 per minute really expecting even asking response felt unexplainable obligation post somewhere finally started taking real action towards end shaved head decide put bullet skull hair everywhere also wrote first letter child continue write know sure pretty set soon looking advice active community online felt leave something thanks reading,shaved head started writing letter,fading negative,587,42,fading negative many post like almost 1 per minute really expecting even asking response felt unexplainable obligation post somewhere finally started taking real action towards end shaved head decide put bullet skull hair everywhere also wrote first letter child continue write know sure pretty set soon looking advice active community online felt leave something thanks reading shaved head started writing letter
I skipped a class period because I’m having a breakdown/panic attack and idk why,The more I passed by classes as I walking towards the bathroom the more I was breathing hard.Once I got to the bathroom I looked in the mirror and I noticed my eyes were tired and I had red spots under them.What the hell is wrong with me...I’m so scared that I’ll get caught slipping a class period but I just need space because this weeks been so stressful and now u can see how tired I am?!,JustSomeoneHere_,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdyowk/i_skipped_a_class_period_because_im_having_a/,passed class walking towards bathroom wa breathing hard got bathroom looked mirror noticed eye tired red spot hell wrong scared get caught slipping class period need space week stressful u see tired,skipped class period breakdown panic attack idk,someone,392,80,someone passed class walking towards bathroom wa breathing hard got bathroom looked mirror noticed eye tired red spot hell wrong scared get caught slipping class period need space week stressful u see tired skipped class period breakdown panic attack idk
I have nowhere and no one else to say this,"This is going to be a long post because i have a lot to say, sorry in advance.

 I dont see any way my life can get on track, I'm 23 years old, i have achieved nothing noteworthy in life and i've generally lived a life of isolation, this stems all the way back from secondary school where i was relentlessly bullied for being black and overweight, i was only 11 years old when i first got diagnosed with depression because of the sheltered life i had lived before then meant i had no idea what people would be like once i got to high school, no one told me that being black was something that people may not like, no one told me that being overweight would be something kids would make fun of, but it happened, for 4 years straight, throughout high school i ran into various obstacles i'd never want a kid to go through, almost weekly fights, bad report cards and parents evenings lead to detentions and 3 day exclusions which lead to me starting to simply skip school and not go, i tried so hard to get myself kicked out of that school because my mother would not take me out of the school, i didnt understand why then and i still dont understand now and i think part of me resents her for that to this day, i truly believe my life could have been so different if i didnt get forced to stay at the school that almost killed me multiple times. 

The bullying definitely subsided a touch in the last year, with kids wanting to get into good 6th forms they started looking to just finishing their exams i guess? But the damage was already done, i started school a pretty normal happy kid with a fair few friends who didnt think about much besides what pokemon i needed to catch to fill my national dex or if i the cartoon i wanted to watch was recorded but by my last year i was could barely be bothered to do anything, i didnt talk to anyone i simply went to school and got the bus home and avoided people at all costs, i had skipped way too much school to get good grades and i could motivate myself to want to study, i was getting the bare minimum to get into 6th form and hopefully that was enough to scrape by. But as if things wern't bad enough i went on a residential school trip with one of my classes that was cut short because I ended up having a severe athsma attack when we got the the accommodation camp, this was my first time having an athsma attack and my first time i'd have ever been to hospital and i was only 15 so my first feelings were obviously of extreme panic, a small part of me i'd say was honestly relieved, maybe this was the end and i wouldnt have to go on, the ambulance got there and i must have asked the responded a hundred times if i was going to die, obviously she cant tell a child 'probably' so she said no and was comforting me, the ride to the hospital felt like an eternity. To wrap this part up obviously i didnt die but i had woken up a week later in the icu surrounded by my family, it was weird seeing my dad and mum together as well as their partners because they had been split up for a long time but i was just happy i woke up i guess. I had to stay in hospital for a few days more after i woke up for tests and rehab, getting used to walking again after being in bed for a week was interesting and a lot harder than i ever thought it would be, i was told that people who suffer acute asthma attacks generally have a low survival rate, i cant remember the exact number but it was low enough to cause a reaction from everyone. We left the hospital and i was told i wouldnt be able to go back to school for at least a month, obviously any kid would be thrilled to hear that but i was super happy because it meant time away from hell on earth. 

However the recovery process during that month kind of set the precedent for a hole i got trapped in and am still trapped in, doing nothing for a month meant i got into some pretty lazy habits but also i got used to being on my own world just playing xbox and watching tv during the day. Transitioning back into school life was harder than anticipated because it was half days to start off with and that was for about 2 weeks. Fast forward a bit and the bullying starts again because fuck it why not bully the kid fresh out of hospital right? it gets to exam period and i have full on sacked off school, i skip most days and get put into the assisted education program where you take exams in a different room and have a personal TA and some counselling sessions, of course none of this really helped me because i just didnt have any care for my education i just wanted away from school asap. I by some miracle without studying at all managed to scrape by with enough GCSE qualifications to go to 6th form on the condition that i would have to take english and maths alongside a foundation year. This leads onto my next problem:

For more reasons unknown to me which i can only chalk up to she cant be bothered, my mum decided for me that i wasnt going to go to a college in my hometown, i would have to instead go to live with my dad and do my 3 years of college there. Now i should probably explain why this is a problem, my dad and I dont get on well, we havent for as long as i stopped being a child and we still have barely any real relationship, i just talk to him like once a month to talk to my little brother and sister who obviously i have no reason to not have a relationship with. I wont go into as much detail here because this post is already feeling too long but theres so much more to get through. Long story short my dad was extremely emotionally abusive, anything that he didnt like would be met with screaming banging on things and threats of physical violence, this would be for anything from not doing the dishes to not studying earlier than what was on my plan. This again warped my view of education because i wasnt really doing courses i enjoyed but rather what was available to me and i didnt feel inspired to commit to it by studying, most of my study time was just sneaking my phone on silent. This went on for 3 years straight, i was isolated, the only person i really interacted with was my abusive dad and my teachers and classmates when i had to. When i tried to confide in my mother she simply told me other people including herself had it worse and hes just strict and does it because he cares about me and wants whats best. So i gave up on that as well. Throughout my life one of the few things i really enjoyed was playing video games and I used it as an escape to just ignore my real life situation and responsibilities, how healthy that is is up for debate but if i didnt have that escape who knows if i'd even be typing this here now. He didn't like that i played video games because he said that it was pointless and took away time i could be studying or looking for work, so he took it away and never let me have it back on any occasion after half of the first year. 

Thats when things got really bad for me, without something to pass the time and take my mind off of things my depression and suicidal tendencies came flooding back, i started self harming and i still look at the scars along my arms sometimes and get reminded of how bad things were back then, i never thought that they would still be there 6 years later, i wish i had thought about that. Somehow 3 years later again without really putting in any effort i managed to complete my A levels and get enough points to get into University. on a foundation entry degree, I guess this was when i was happiest because i was finally free from my parents and maybe i could be someone new and different, I never would have imagined myself where I am now 4 years ago.

Uni life started off fine, i was still avoiding people and keeping to myself but a couple of people on my course would always sit next to me and try to talk to me, I guess because seeing someone sitting on their own in their first year of Uni made them want to include me so i even managed to have friends, the first year had some hardships because i was never taught how to budget or be independent so of course money got tight towards the end but aside from that i don't think my first year had any issues, i passed without any issues and found myself advancing to the first year of the actual degree. I wont go into detail for every year but i'll just say that apart from the odd times we'd go out together I still mostly stayed in my flat playing games or watching stuff online, I didnt party and I didnt study, I just kind of drifted, then for whatever reason i cannot remember i got into an argument with my mum, i cant remember what about but she sent me a message saying that she was done with me and i didnt really know what to feel, I just kind of stopped, I stopped going to uni, i stopped going out i stopped everything, i just started spending every day waking up, playing games and eating junk food, sleep, repeat. As you can imagine having a lifestyle like this really did a number on my mental and physical health. I would go an entire week without showering sometimes more, my only human contact was taking my food from downstairs, this was my lowest point. 

Obviously i failed the year because i didnt attend or do all the work. The next year i was allowed to stay at the Uni and take up a different course, thinking that i could just power through it, but apparently during all of this student finance (the company that pays your tuition fees) turned around and said they wouldn't fund this year of learning for me, which obviously kind of fucked me over completely. Because they told me I wouldn't be funded i decided that there was no point in going, because i certainly don't have 9k just laying around to pay the fees myself, I didn't attend a single lecture all year and lived the same unhealthy life i had lived towards the end of the previous year for the entire year, it was horrible. The one beacon of hope that i could find was that eventually i had to start benefits as i didnt get money to pay the rent or anything so that covered that, meanwhile there was a local game store that ran a tournament for the game a play and i really enjoyed going to that once a week and made friends with the team i was assigned to, my life finally felt like it had some form of normality, i had a decent friend group, i was finally going out and i had something to look forward to whilst i tried to find proper work to fill my time and move into my own place, but unfortunately i couldnt find work and it came time to decide what i was going to do next in the summer, at this time i had another argument with my mum because she began to catch on that clearly something was wrong and i didnt want to go to university and do a degree i had no interest in.

We hadn't spoken in almost a month and i was sure we had cut ties but then she messaged me pleading me to come to an open day for a course that did in all honestly sound extremely appealing to me so i went and the place seemed nice and this where I am now, i got onto the course and i'm currently here now in the same situation but worse that i was in for the 3rd year at the previous uni, i havent attended almost any of the classes i'm almost certainly going to be kicked out or have to retake the year, but thats not even the worst part, the worst part is that i'm still being asked to pay for other years that i was told would be funded including this year, meaning i'm in an insane amount of debt with no way to pay it off, this year also isn't being funded despite being told it would be and i'm currently in negative balance in my bank account with the next payment of my underfunded maintenance loan coming in on the 20th of next month, i havent eaten in 3 days already and i dont feel all that good, my parents aren't an option and i have tried to ask for help in the loans/assistance reddits but i got marked as a scammer because i wasn't getting any replies but kept trying, I don't know what to do, I think I am well and truly ready for the end, I don't see how I can recover from this hole i put myself into, I'm 23 years old, with no degree, debt, no work experience meaning i cant get any jobs despite the 100's of applications i've probably sent off by now, i've never had a romantic partner, hell i've never even had a real best friend, i'm completely alone and I don't think anyone will miss me when i'm gone.

I'm sorry this was such a long read, but I don't have anyone else to talk to and really explain things to, so this is my last resort, I dont think i want to die, but i really don't see how I can live on.",alttaalt,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdufdz/i_have_nowhere_and_no_one_else_to_say_this/,going long post lot say sorry advance dont see way life get track 23 year old achieved nothing noteworthy life generally lived life isolation stem way back secondary school wa relentlessly bullied black overweight wa 11 year old first got diagnosed depression sheltered life lived meant idea people would like got high school one told black wa something people may like one told overweight would something kid would make fun happened 4 year straight throughout high school ran various obstacle never want kid go almost weekly fight bad report card parent evening lead detention 3 day exclusion lead starting simply skip school go tried hard get kicked school mother would take school didnt understand still dont understand think part resents day truly believe life could different didnt get forced stay school almost killed multiple time bullying definitely subsided touch last year kid wanting get good 6th form started looking finishing exam guess damage wa already done started school pretty normal happy kid fair friend didnt think much besides pokemon needed catch fill national dex cartoon wanted watch wa recorded last year wa could barely bothered anything didnt talk anyone simply went school got bus home avoided people cost skipped way much school get good grade could motivate want study wa getting bare minimum get 6th form hopefully wa enough scrape thing wern bad enough went residential school trip one class wa cut short ended severe athsma attack got accommodation camp wa first time athsma attack first time ever hospital wa 15 first feeling obviously extreme panic small part say wa honestly relieved maybe wa end wouldnt go ambulance got must asked responded hundred time wa going die obviously cant tell child probably said wa comforting ride hospital felt like eternity wrap part obviously didnt die woken week later icu surrounded family wa weird seeing dad mum together well partner split long time wa happy woke guess stay hospital day woke test rehab getting used walking bed week wa interesting lot harder ever thought would wa told people suffer acute asthma attack generally low survival rate cant remember exact number wa low enough cause reaction everyone left hospital wa told wouldnt able go back school least month obviously kid would thrilled hear wa super happy meant time away hell earth however recovery process month kind set precedent hole got trapped still trapped nothing month meant got pretty lazy habit also got used world playing xbox watching tv day transitioning back school life wa harder anticipated wa half day start wa 2 week fast forward bit bullying start fuck bully kid fresh hospital right get exam period full sacked school skip day get put assisted education program take exam different room personal ta counselling session course none really helped didnt care education wanted away school asap miracle without studying managed scrape enough gcse qualification go 6th form condition would take english math alongside foundation year lead onto next problem reason unknown chalk cant bothered mum decided wasnt going go college hometown would instead go live dad 3 year college probably explain problem dad dont get well havent long stopped child still barely real relationship talk like month talk little brother sister obviously reason relationship wont go much detail post already feeling long much get long story short dad wa extremely emotionally abusive anything didnt like would met screaming banging thing threat physical violence would anything dish studying earlier wa plan warped view education wasnt really course enjoyed rather wa available didnt feel inspired commit studying study time wa sneaking phone silent went 3 year straight wa isolated person really interacted wa abusive dad teacher classmate tried confide mother simply told people including worse strict doe care want whats best gave well throughout life one thing really enjoyed wa playing video game used escape ignore real life situation responsibility healthy debate didnt escape know even typing like played video game said wa pointless took away time could studying looking work took away never let back occasion half first year thats thing got really bad without something pas time take mind thing depression suicidal tendency came flooding back started self harming still look scar along arm sometimes get reminded bad thing back never thought would still 6 year later wish thought somehow 3 year later without really putting effort managed complete level get enough point get university foundation entry degree guess wa wa happiest wa finally free parent maybe could someone new different never would imagined 4 year ago uni life started fine wa still avoiding people keeping couple people course would always sit next try talk guess seeing someone sitting first year uni made want include even managed friend first year hardship wa never taught budget independent course money got tight towards end aside think first year issue passed without issue found advancing first year actual degree wont go detail every year say apart odd time go together still mostly stayed flat playing game watching stuff online didnt party didnt study kind drifted whatever reason cannot remember got argument mum cant remember sent message saying wa done didnt really know feel kind stopped stopped going uni stopped going stopped everything started spending every day waking playing game eating junk food sleep repeat imagine lifestyle like really number mental physical health would go entire week without showering sometimes human contact wa taking food downstairs wa lowest point obviously failed year didnt attend work next year wa allowed stay uni take different course thinking could power apparently student finance company pay tuition fee turned around said fund year learning obviously kind fucked completely told funded decided wa point going certainly 9k laying around pay fee attend single lecture year lived unhealthy life lived towards end previous year entire year wa horrible one beacon hope could find wa eventually start benefit didnt get money pay rent anything covered meanwhile wa local game store ran tournament game play really enjoyed going week made friend team wa assigned life finally felt like form normality decent friend group wa finally going something look forward whilst tried find proper work fill time move place unfortunately couldnt find work came time decide wa going next summer time another argument mum began catch clearly something wa wrong didnt want go university degree interest spoken almost month wa sure cut tie messaged pleading come open day course honestly sound extremely appealing went place seemed nice got onto course currently situation worse wa 3rd year previous uni havent attended almost class almost certainly going kicked retake year thats even worst part worst part still asked pay year wa told would funded including year meaning insane amount debt way pay year also funded despite told would currently negative balance bank account next payment underfunded maintenance loan coming 20th next month havent eaten 3 day already dont feel good parent option tried ask help loan assistance reddits got marked scammer getting reply kept trying know think well truly ready end see recover hole put 23 year old degree debt work experience meaning cant get job despite 100 application probably sent never romantic partner hell never even real best friend completely alone think anyone miss gone sorry wa long read anyone else talk really explain thing last resort dont think want die really see live,nowhere one else say,alt taal,12555,42,alt taal going long post lot say sorry advance dont see way life get track 23 year old achieved nothing noteworthy life generally lived life isolation stem way back secondary school wa relentlessly bullied black overweight wa 11 year old first got diagnosed depression sheltered life lived meant idea people would like got high school one told black wa something people may like one told overweight would something kid would make fun happened 4 year straight throughout high school ran various obstacle never want kid go almost weekly fight bad report card parent evening lead detention 3 day exclusion lead starting simply skip school go tried hard get kicked school mother would take school didnt understand still dont understand think part resents day truly believe life could different didnt get forced stay school almost killed multiple time bullying definitely subsided touch last year kid wanting get good 6th form started looking finishing exam guess damage wa already done started school pretty normal happy kid fair friend didnt think much besides pokemon needed catch fill national dex cartoon wanted watch wa recorded last year wa could barely bothered anything didnt talk anyone simply went school got bus home avoided people cost skipped way much school get good grade could motivate want study wa getting bare minimum get 6th form hopefully wa enough scrape thing wern bad enough went residential school trip one class wa cut short ended severe athsma attack got accommodation camp wa first time athsma attack first time ever hospital wa 15 first feeling obviously extreme panic small part say wa honestly relieved maybe wa end wouldnt go ambulance got must asked responded hundred time wa going die obviously cant tell child probably said wa comforting ride hospital felt like eternity wrap part obviously didnt die woken week later icu surrounded family wa weird seeing dad mum together well partner split long time wa happy woke guess stay hospital day woke test rehab getting used walking bed week wa interesting lot harder ever thought would wa told people suffer acute asthma attack generally low survival rate cant remember exact number wa low enough cause reaction everyone left hospital wa told wouldnt able go back school least month obviously kid would thrilled hear wa super happy meant time away hell earth however recovery process month kind set precedent hole got trapped still trapped nothing month meant got pretty lazy habit also got used world playing xbox watching tv day transitioning back school life wa harder anticipated wa half day start wa 2 week fast forward bit bullying start fuck bully kid fresh hospital right get exam period full sacked school skip day get put assisted education program take exam different room personal ta counselling session course none really helped didnt care education wanted away school asap miracle without studying managed scrape enough gcse qualification go 6th form condition would take english math alongside foundation year lead onto next problem reason unknown chalk cant bothered mum decided wasnt going go college hometown would instead go live dad 3 year college probably explain problem dad dont get well havent long stopped child still barely real relationship talk like month talk little brother sister obviously reason relationship wont go much detail post already feeling long much get long story short dad wa extremely emotionally abusive anything didnt like would met screaming banging thing threat physical violence would anything dish studying earlier wa plan warped view education wasnt really course enjoyed rather wa available didnt feel inspired commit studying study time wa sneaking phone silent went 3 year straight wa isolated person really interacted wa abusive dad teacher classmate tried confide mother simply told people including worse strict doe care want whats best gave well throughout life one thing really enjoyed wa playing video game used escape ignore real life situation responsibility healthy debate didnt escape know even typing like played video game said wa pointless took away time could studying looking work took away never let back occasion half first year thats thing got really bad without something pas time take mind thing depression suicidal tendency came flooding back started self harming still look scar along arm sometimes get reminded bad thing back never thought would still 6 year later wish thought somehow 3 year later without really putting effort managed complete level get enough point get university foundation entry degree guess wa wa happiest wa finally free parent maybe could someone new different never would imagined 4 year ago uni life started fine wa still avoiding people keeping couple people course would always sit next try talk guess seeing someone sitting first year uni made want include even managed friend first year hardship wa never taught budget independent course money got tight towards end aside think first year issue passed without issue found advancing first year actual degree wont go detail every year say apart odd time go together still mostly stayed flat playing game watching stuff online didnt party didnt study kind drifted whatever reason cannot remember got argument mum cant remember sent message saying wa done didnt really know feel kind stopped stopped going uni stopped going stopped everything started spending every day waking playing game eating junk food sleep repeat imagine lifestyle like really number mental physical health would go entire week without showering sometimes human contact wa taking food downstairs wa lowest point obviously failed year didnt attend work next year wa allowed stay uni take different course thinking could power apparently student finance company pay tuition fee turned around said fund year learning obviously kind fucked completely told funded decided wa point going certainly 9k laying around pay fee attend single lecture year lived unhealthy life lived towards end previous year entire year wa horrible one beacon hope could find wa eventually start benefit didnt get money pay rent anything covered meanwhile wa local game store ran tournament game play really enjoyed going week made friend team wa assigned life finally felt like form normality decent friend group wa finally going something look forward whilst tried find proper work fill time move place unfortunately couldnt find work came time decide wa going next summer time another argument mum began catch clearly something wa wrong didnt want go university degree interest spoken almost month wa sure cut tie messaged pleading come open day course honestly sound extremely appealing went place seemed nice got onto course currently situation worse wa 3rd year previous uni havent attended almost class almost certainly going kicked retake year thats even worst part worst part still asked pay year wa told would funded including year meaning insane amount debt way pay year also funded despite told would currently negative balance bank account next payment underfunded maintenance loan coming 20th next month havent eaten 3 day already dont feel good parent option tried ask help loan assistance reddits got marked scammer getting reply kept trying know think well truly ready end see recover hole put 23 year old degree debt work experience meaning cant get job despite 100 application probably sent never romantic partner hell never even real best friend completely alone think anyone miss gone sorry wa long read anyone else talk really explain thing last resort dont think want die really see live nowhere one else say
"When you are so depressing that nobody replies to your posts, even on r/depression","And you start to notice people you know dont really listen to you anymore. When you cant keep up the ""im fine"" charade and realize that you have nobody to turn to. Maybe you never have. This is my life obviously but this is also a shout to others who feel the same way. 

Hello my fellow invisible ones. Dont give up, it only makes it worse and nobody will save you anyway.",NPC2733,14,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduf9w/when_you_are_so_depressing_that_nobody_replies_to/,start notice people know dont really listen anymore cant keep im fine charade realize nobody turn maybe never life obviously also shout others feel way hello fellow invisible one dont give make worse nobody save anyway,depressing nobody reply post even r depression,npc 2733,373,82,npc 2733 start notice people know dont really listen anymore cant keep im fine charade realize nobody turn maybe never life obviously also shout others feel way hello fellow invisible one dont give make worse nobody save anyway depressing nobody reply post even r depression
Feeling Vengeful,"I was in a mentally abusive relationship with a lot of cheating and even my dreams act out me getting revenge. How can I overcome these thoughts before I act upon them?

Any advice would be helpful.",KcTheGodd,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdv7a2/feeling_vengeful/,wa mentally abusive relationship lot cheating even dream act getting revenge overcome thought act upon advice would helpful,feeling vengeful,kc god,198,16,kc god wa mentally abusive relationship lot cheating even dream act getting revenge overcome thought act upon advice would helpful feeling vengeful
looking for help,anybody know any sites or location to go for help with seeing a lot of trauma and that the has PTSD from 9/11 as well that are easy get to and  join in nyc Brooklyn,R78n,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtoix/looking_for_help/,anybody know site location go help seeing lot trauma ha ptsd 9 11 well easy get join nyc brooklyn,looking help,r 78 n,164,16,r 78 n anybody know site location go help seeing lot trauma ha ptsd 9 11 well easy get join nyc brooklyn looking help
I have a question.,I’ve been told it’s normal with depression to be confused with your feelings but I don’t know what my emotion is I can’t pin point it unless I’m super depressed because then I know I’m super depressed but while I’m not I don’t know what I am or who or what I’m feeling I feel like a liar and that I’m faking everything but I know I’m not.,DepressJoker,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy9kd/i_have_a_question/,told normal depression confused feeling know emotion pin point unless super depressed know super depressed know feeling feel like liar faking everything know,question,depress joker,338,18,depress joker told normal depression confused feeling know emotion pin point unless super depressed know super depressed know feeling feel like liar faking everything know question
I hate my best friend,"let me start off by saying that I hate my best friend sometimes not all the time. The basic reason is because she's so perfect and I feel like such a waste and piece of shit when I see her. I'm 16 and a sophomore in high school. We met last year as freshmen and I had never had any friends before so I immediately just accepted her. She was 13 when we met so she started kindergarten early and skipped a grade. then there's me who's two years older but nothing compared to her. She gets straight A's, takes all AP and honors classes, made VARSITY softball as a freshman (age of a 7th grader), got the lead roles in all the theatre shows, and just has a perfect life. 

Then there's me who doesn't have the best home life. I've tried telling her I can't sleep over because I need my meds and for other reasons. But then she just tells me ""oh everyone feels sad sometimes. You don't need those stupid pills."" Or if I tell her that it's my anxiety and ADHD pills she is like ""everyone has some form of ADHD. Have you seen everyone who can't pay attention? Those pills don't do anything""

I'm very reluctant to end our friendship because I don't have any other friends. Also my Mom has gotten really close with their family and I can't end the friendship beacuse that would be awkward. I feel like this is toxic though. Idk maybe it's just cause I'm not good enough I feel like shit.",joho3883,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdu7fp/i_hate_my_best_friend/,let start saying hate best friend sometimes time basic reason perfect feel like waste piece shit see 16 sophomore high school met last year freshman never friend immediately accepted wa 13 met started kindergarten early skipped grade two year older nothing compared get straight take ap honor class made varsity softball freshman age 7th grader got lead role theatre show ha perfect life best home life tried telling sleep need med reason tell oh everyone feel sad sometimes need stupid pill tell anxiety adhd pill like everyone ha form adhd seen everyone pay attention pill anything reluctant end friendship friend also mom ha gotten really close family end friendship beacuse would awkward feel like toxic though idk maybe cause good enough feel like shit,hate best friend,j oho 3883,1379,21,j oho 3883 let start saying hate best friend sometimes time basic reason perfect feel like waste piece shit see 16 sophomore high school met last year freshman never friend immediately accepted wa 13 met started kindergarten early skipped grade two year older nothing compared get straight take ap honor class made varsity softball freshman age 7th grader got lead role theatre show ha perfect life best home life tried telling sleep need med reason tell oh everyone feel sad sometimes need stupid pill tell anxiety adhd pill like everyone ha form adhd seen everyone pay attention pill anything reluctant end friendship friend also mom ha gotten really close family end friendship beacuse would awkward feel like toxic though idk maybe cause good enough feel like shit hate best friend
"Once you develop depression, do you have it for the rest of your life?",Some people talk about it like it’s something you have to learn to live with for the rest of your life. Others talk about how they used to have depression and have recovered. Is it just a case-to-case thing?,imightcatchacase,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy6mz/once_you_develop_depression_do_you_have_it_for/,people talk like something learn live rest life others talk used depression recovered case case thing,develop depression rest life,might catch case,207,70,might catch case people talk like something learn live rest life others talk used depression recovered case case thing develop depression rest life
I need your advice,"I feel tired. Nothing brings me a joy. I lost all my fucking hobbies. I started smoking a lot. I have alcoholic dad, he often lies, also he borrowing my money, but never give them me back. Luckily, my mom isn't such an alcoholic, but she also drinks a lot. I remember, when i was a child, my parents often dont have money to buy tge food, so i used to visit my grandma, and take some food from her, to feed me and my younger brothers. i remember, once my dad came back home, so drunk, that he beated my mother,and btoke a glass door. There were a fucktone of blood.It was sticky and smelled horrible. When i was 13 i was raped by my drunk dad. Nobody knows about it. Also 2 months ago,i found a gf, but she broke with the me up. Also she was amphetamine addicted. She was mentally unstable. She had a lot of overdose. Honestly I miss her. I feel like i don't have future. I was born because condom ripped, and anti pregnant tablets wasn't working. I feel useless. I live in a small town in Western Ukraine. My town is a fucking shithole of the Europe. In 1 year i will be graduating, but i don't know where I want to study.",pekelniydrochun,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdv0xp/i_need_your_advice/,feel tired nothing brings joy lost fucking hobby started smoking lot alcoholic dad often lie also borrowing money never give back luckily mom alcoholic also drink lot remember wa child parent often dont money buy tge food used visit grandma take food feed younger brother remember dad came back home drunk beated mother btoke glass door fucktone blood wa sticky smelled horrible wa 13 wa raped drunk dad nobody know also 2 month ago found gf broke also wa amphetamine addicted wa mentally unstable lot overdose honestly miss feel like future wa born condom ripped anti pregnant tablet working feel useless live small town western ukraine town fucking shithole europe 1 year graduating know want study,need advice,pek el ni yd ro chun,1123,18,pek el ni yd ro chun feel tired nothing brings joy lost fucking hobby started smoking lot alcoholic dad often lie also borrowing money never give back luckily mom alcoholic also drink lot remember wa child parent often dont money buy tge food used visit grandma take food feed younger brother remember dad came back home drunk beated mother btoke glass door fucktone blood wa sticky smelled horrible wa 13 wa raped drunk dad nobody know also 2 month ago found gf broke also wa amphetamine addicted wa mentally unstable lot overdose honestly miss feel like future wa born condom ripped anti pregnant tablet working feel useless live small town western ukraine town fucking shithole europe 1 year graduating know want study need advice
I'm having a hard time.,"What do u do when you're in a dark place?
I'm married, I have one kid, dog, cat, house to clean.
I'm sick rn (just cold, but I have UC, so it's worse for us). Last yeah I was in hospital 5 times. This year one. All. Because of stupid UC. I hate myself, I hate how I look. I don't feel any support or love from anyone in my life except my little daughter. She's the only reason I don't commit suicide. I don't have strength anymore. There are plans to have 3 surgeries in near future. One of them is gastric sleeve - because I can't get rid of the weight because if the medicine I use, I feel ugly and fat. I miss the lovely feeling u get from first kisses, from love, excitement, happiness. It's just... My life is dark rn. I think about suicide alot, I've told my husband, mom (who doesn't belive clinical depression is a real thing), my therapist (who has a hard time with me, because I'm a stubborn little Satan). I don't know what to do... I know where I can get sleeping pills, so I'm just afraid my daughter will loose her mother soon.
And I'm in Norway, I'm afraid of telling doctors about my suicide thoughts because here they are really happy to take away child from your family for every little shit. I don't know what to do. I'm done with this whole life and shit. I have pain in my whole body and I don't have any pain relief meds (because Norway only gives you paracetamol fuckery).",DepressedPandaLola,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdw7fv/im_having_a_hard_time/,u dark place married one kid dog cat house clean sick rn cold uc worse u last yeah wa hospital 5 time year one stupid uc hate hate look feel support love anyone life except little daughter reason commit suicide strength anymore plan 3 surgery near future one gastric sleeve get rid weight medicine use feel ugly fat miss lovely feeling u get first kiss love excitement happiness life dark rn think suicide alot told husband mom belive clinical depression real thing therapist ha hard time stubborn little satan know know get sleeping pill afraid daughter loose mother soon norway afraid telling doctor suicide thought really happy take away child family every little shit know done whole life shit pain whole body pain relief med norway give paracetamol fuckery,hard time,depressed panda lola,1395,23,depressed panda lola u dark place married one kid dog cat house clean sick rn cold uc worse u last yeah wa hospital 5 time year one stupid uc hate hate look feel support love anyone life except little daughter reason commit suicide strength anymore plan 3 surgery near future one gastric sleeve get rid weight medicine use feel ugly fat miss lovely feeling u get first kiss love excitement happiness life dark rn think suicide alot told husband mom belive clinical depression real thing therapist ha hard time stubborn little satan know know get sleeping pill afraid daughter loose mother soon norway afraid telling doctor suicide thought really happy take away child family every little shit know done whole life shit pain whole body pain relief med norway give paracetamol fuckery hard time
I've never felt this bad before,"I've had severe depression for pretty much my entire life,  but that feeling has changed recently. There's now a constant weight in my chest as opposed to only sometimes. There's always a lump in my throat and I've been extremely dissociative. It feels like this round of depression will be my last.",chivvg,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy5qs/ive_never_felt_this_bad_before/,severe depression pretty much entire life feeling ha changed recently constant weight chest opposed sometimes always lump throat extremely dissociative feel like round depression last,never felt bad,c hiv vg,299,31,c hiv vg severe depression pretty much entire life feeling ha changed recently constant weight chest opposed sometimes always lump throat extremely dissociative feel like round depression last never felt bad
Taking the Plunge,I’m actually at the salon getting my hair cut and colored! Haven’t been in around 12 years so this took courage to leave my house and go somewhere to make myself feel better!,ddevirgiliis,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe1oii/taking_the_plunge/,actually salon getting hair cut colored around 12 year took courage leave house go somewhere make feel better,taking plunge,de virgil,174,17,de virgil actually salon getting hair cut colored around 12 year took courage leave house go somewhere make feel better taking plunge
Suicide Attempt?,"A couple weeks ago, I overdosed on some Xanax I had lying around and chased it down with some vodka. It put me into a deep sleep and that took me around 36 hours to completely recover from. A friend found me at some point during this since I wasn't returning any of their calls and they know what I struggle with. Anyway, for some reason, I haven't really thought about what happened at all since then and I guess I kind of just shook it off (or tried to). But now that I'm thinking about it, I'm questioning what my intent was behind doing what I did. I didn't ""plan"" to kill myself but I remember thinking to myself ""if this kills me, that's okay."" Should I consider this a suicide attempt or just an odd lapse of judgement? I should mention that I have attempted suicide before and the thought process was much different than what happened this time which is part of the reason I'm so confused.",mthammer1,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsdvo/suicide_attempt/,couple week ago overdosed xanax lying around chased vodka put deep sleep took around 36 hour completely recover friend found point since returning call know struggle anyway reason really thought happened since guess kind shook tried thinking questioning intent wa behind plan kill remember thinking kill okay consider suicide attempt odd lapse judgement mention attempted suicide thought process wa much different happened time part reason confused,suicide attempt,mt hammer 1,897,16,mt hammer 1 couple week ago overdosed xanax lying around chased vodka put deep sleep took around 36 hour completely recover friend found point since returning call know struggle anyway reason really thought happened since guess kind shook tried thinking questioning intent wa behind plan kill remember thinking kill okay consider suicide attempt odd lapse judgement mention attempted suicide thought process wa much different happened time part reason confused suicide attempt
Advice on getting out of the mentality of not wanting to live.,"I know it’s better to see an expert rather than stranger on the internet but I’ve been to 2 therapist and they haven’t helped. 
I’m 23, male, fit and healthy, come from a good upper middle class family who support me well and I really have no hard struggles to deal with. Despite all this since about the age of 10 I’ve wished I was never born and would rather be dead. Really the only thing keeping me from suicide is that I don’t want to put my family/ loved ones through that pain. This may be decent enough to keep me alive but still isn’t much of a viewpoint to live from, there are times I resent my family because I have to endure the pain and stress of life just because of them. 

I would just much rather be dead than go through the stress of living and working for the rest of my life, call it depression or laziness or whatever but it’s just my viewpoint in life and I can’t shake it. 
Does anyone out there have a similar mentality and have ever thought or been told anything to truly shift them out of that mindset? Therapy has never done anything to help me shift out of this and I almost feel like it’s too much of a therapist to be able to do so.",Imagine17,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdw24a/advice_on_getting_out_of_the_mentality_of_not/,know better see expert rather stranger internet 2 therapist helped 23 male fit healthy come good upper middle class family support well really hard struggle deal despite since age 10 wished wa never born would rather dead really thing keeping suicide want put family loved one pain may decent enough keep alive still much viewpoint live time resent family endure pain stress life would much rather dead go stress living working rest life call depression laziness whatever viewpoint life shake doe anyone similar mentality ever thought told anything truly shift mindset therapy ha never done anything help shift almost feel like much therapist able,advice getting mentality wanting live,imagine 17,1163,62,imagine 17 know better see expert rather stranger internet 2 therapist helped 23 male fit healthy come good upper middle class family support well really hard struggle deal despite since age 10 wished wa never born would rather dead really thing keeping suicide want put family loved one pain may decent enough keep alive still much viewpoint live time resent family endure pain stress life would much rather dead go stress living working rest life call depression laziness whatever viewpoint life shake doe anyone similar mentality ever thought told anything truly shift mindset therapy ha never done anything help shift almost feel like much therapist able advice getting mentality wanting live
Hugs,"Sometimes I dream about being hugged by my friends,when I am with them I just keep looking at them hugging other people and thinking ""I want a hug too"" but in the end I just try to forget about it,I don't expect to get a hug,so why should I ask for one?",gafsr,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduuvo/hugs/,sometimes dream hugged friend keep looking hugging people thinking want hug end try forget expect get hug ask one,hug,ga f sr,253,4,ga f sr sometimes dream hugged friend keep looking hugging people thinking want hug end try forget expect get hug ask one hug
I'm tired,"How do I say that I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing? How could I convey to my parents that not wanting to exist is one of few thoughts that I have? I don't want to work, but still my parents force me to, I know this might sound as if I'm lazy. And I am, no doubt in that. 

Tbh I didn't ask to be born, let alone grow up to do stuff that I'm not interested in. If I were to have my dream job, I'd work on it in my pace, but obviously that isn't how it works.

I always come to work, most of the time I'm late, 10-20 mins but I still arrive and work. 

Now I want to run away, cuz I'm tired of them complaining about how I always sleep or that I'm lazy and do nothing all day, that I'm always in my room and not check in on them. That I can't smoke weed to cope with my thoughts.

We only get one life. One. I don't want to spend that time thinking about suicide, and then complain in my head about the options and how painful or too fast it's going to be. 

I don't want to run away, but most of our time we've been together all I hear is an in depth negative comment of how my life is, and contrast to a simple ""I love you."" I do get ""how are you feeling today?"" Or ""what are you up to today?"" But I can't say anything with honesty cuz then they'll start to ask questions that I can't answer without breaking down and shit. 

I almost don't care about family and friends. But I think one fateful day, I'll make that irrational decision and run away. I really am tired of listening to the implications of how bad my life is, and I don't want to hear it anymore. I just need a little push that goes a little too far, then I'll probs snap and head the fuck out. Who knows.

I'm angry at myself and them, and honestly I want to hit stuff and scream at the top of my lungs. But I gotta keep it together, right?
One life.",vvreverievv,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxxom/im_tired/,say want lay bed day nothing could convey parent wanting exist one thought want work still parent force know might sound lazy doubt tbh ask born let alone grow stuff interested dream job work pace obviously work always come work time late 10 20 min still arrive work want run away cuz tired complaining always sleep lazy nothing day always room check smoke weed cope thought get one life one want spend time thinking suicide complain head option painful fast going want run away time together hear depth negative comment life contrast simple love get feeling today today say anything honesty cuz start ask question answer without breaking shit almost care family friend think one fateful day make irrational decision run away really tired listening implication bad life want hear anymore need little push go little far probs snap head fuck know angry honestly want hit stuff scream top lung gotta keep together right one life,tired,v v reverie v v,1826,9,v v reverie v v say want lay bed day nothing could convey parent wanting exist one thought want work still parent force know might sound lazy doubt tbh ask born let alone grow stuff interested dream job work pace obviously work always come work time late 10 20 min still arrive work want run away cuz tired complaining always sleep lazy nothing day always room check smoke weed cope thought get one life one want spend time thinking suicide complain head option painful fast going want run away time together hear depth negative comment life contrast simple love get feeling today today say anything honesty cuz start ask question answer without breaking shit almost care family friend think one fateful day make irrational decision run away really tired listening implication bad life want hear anymore need little push go little far probs snap head fuck know angry honestly want hit stuff scream top lung gotta keep together right one life tired
Took a creative writing class because it's the only thing I'm good at. Now I feel like sh*t.,"Writing is basically my only talent. It's the one thing I can do with consistency. I'm not athletic. My art is passable but nowhere near good. I can't do stuff with computers. I can't make music. Don't do anything with friends because I don't really have any. So I write. 

Didn't mesh with one of my classes for this semester. Subbed it with a CW class because why not? We had to do a setting/dialogue assignment a while ago and just got them back. 

In short, I did sh*t, apparently. 

Basically, it wasn't really what we were supposed to do for the assignment. That's fine; I misunderstood the instructions and will do better next time. The problem is, he didn't say he liked anything I did. I did a little piece based on a project I've been kicking around that I really liked. I thought it was good. I wanted it to be good. I wanted someone who does this stuff professionally for a living to think it was good. But the note he left read to me like he didn't really care about it or didn't like it. 

And that hurts. Really really hurts. Writing is basically my only talent. I want to publish something someday. I want to be able to hold a book I wrote in my hands and feel like all those sh*tty experiences I had in high school and so far in college could be balanced out by something good I did under my own power without anyone else. Something that could only be chalked up to me. Something that could get me some modicum of respect. Something that could prove I'm not just some boring person with nothing interesting about them who's completely, utterly average. And now the thing I did to have fun and get better has made me feel awful.",tryingmybest10,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxvl5/took_a_creative_writing_class_because_its_the/,writing basically talent one thing consistency athletic art passable nowhere near good stuff computer make music anything friend really write mesh one class semester subbed cw class setting dialogue assignment ago got back short sh apparently basically really supposed assignment fine misunderstood instruction better next time problem say liked anything little piece based project kicking around really liked thought wa good wanted good wanted someone doe stuff professionally living think wa good note left read like really care like hurt really really hurt writing basically talent want publish something someday want able hold book wrote hand feel like sh tty experience high school far college could balanced something good power without anyone else something could chalked something could get modicum respect something could prove boring person nothing interesting completely utterly average thing fun get better ha made feel awful,took creative writing class thing good feel like sh,trying best 10,1644,92,trying best 10 writing basically talent one thing consistency athletic art passable nowhere near good stuff computer make music anything friend really write mesh one class semester subbed cw class setting dialogue assignment ago got back short sh apparently basically really supposed assignment fine misunderstood instruction better next time problem say liked anything little piece based project kicking around really liked thought wa good wanted good wanted someone doe stuff professionally living think wa good note left read like really care like hurt really really hurt writing basically talent want publish something someday want able hold book wrote hand feel like sh tty experience high school far college could balanced something good power without anyone else something could chalked something could get modicum respect something could prove boring person nothing interesting completely utterly average thing fun get better ha made feel awful took creative writing class thing good feel like sh
I don't care anymore,"I really don't want to do anything anymore. Whatever I do, I'll just feel like a failure. I always feel like a failure and a disappointment to anybody who is unlucky enough to know me. All I do is lay in bed now, go to school, then lay in bed at home. I keep wasting money on stupid shit to try and do something (miniature wargaming, d&d, etc.) but I always just give up and go back to sulking. I fucking hate my life. This is the only place I can vent.",rednax0rr,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxsxm/i_dont_care_anymore/,really want anything anymore whatever feel like failure always feel like failure disappointment anybody unlucky enough know lay bed go school lay bed home keep wasting money stupid shit try something miniature wargaming amp etc always give go back sulking fucking hate life place vent,care anymore,red na x 0 rr,457,20,red na x 0 rr really want anything anymore whatever feel like failure always feel like failure disappointment anybody unlucky enough know lay bed go school lay bed home keep wasting money stupid shit try something miniature wargaming amp etc always give go back sulking fucking hate life place vent care anymore
My parents fucked me up,"As the eldest child, my younger sisters were always favoured more than me i knew that from the age of around 5 but around grade 5 i had a major test and my parents starting hitting me and telling me im useless i was trash and they never should have had me, they were fighting and every time they blamed their relationship problems on me and only me. despite this i still acted normal around them and when i started telling them about my interests they laughed and mocked me for wanting to do things, their philosophy was that i would live the life that they wanted me to live and do everything they wanted me to do. i got depressed at a young age because of this and started cutting, to me it was a way to relieve my stress and anger. now im in an awkward relationship with my parents i flinch every time they yell or even talk sometimes but still act normal around them, i get scared to do even the slightest things wrong yet i still joke around with them. now my sister is going to do the same test and they couldnt even care less about her marks, she complains when her ipad is taken away and the slightest word will make her upset. im kind of glad that i was raised like this and didnt become a spoiled brat like her but i still have mixed feelings. i find that i dont judge other people now, they could literally say the most absurd thiing and i wouldnt care unless they were harming themselves  and i feel like its connected to my parents abuse but anyway i just kinda needed to rant here since my dad said some things that kinda triggered my memory but ok bye",birbeech,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtbui/my_parents_fucked_me_up/,eldest child younger sister always favoured knew age around 5 around grade 5 major test parent starting hitting telling im useless wa trash never fighting every time blamed relationship problem despite still acted normal around started telling interest laughed mocked wanting thing philosophy wa would live life wanted live everything wanted got depressed young age started cutting wa way relieve stress anger im awkward relationship parent flinch every time yell even talk sometimes still act normal around get scared even slightest thing wrong yet still joke around sister going test couldnt even care le mark complains ipad taken away slightest word make upset im kind glad wa raised like didnt become spoiled brat like still mixed feeling find dont judge people could literally say absurd thiing wouldnt care unless harming feel like connected parent abuse anyway kinda needed rant since dad said thing kinda triggered memory ok bye,parent fucked,bir beech,1566,23,bir beech eldest child younger sister always favoured knew age around 5 around grade 5 major test parent starting hitting telling im useless wa trash never fighting every time blamed relationship problem despite still acted normal around started telling interest laughed mocked wanting thing philosophy wa would live life wanted live everything wanted got depressed young age started cutting wa way relieve stress anger im awkward relationship parent flinch every time yell even talk sometimes still act normal around get scared even slightest thing wrong yet still joke around sister going test couldnt even care le mark complains ipad taken away slightest word make upset im kind glad wa raised like didnt become spoiled brat like still mixed feeling find dont judge people could literally say absurd thiing wouldnt care unless harming feel like connected parent abuse anyway kinda needed rant since dad said thing kinda triggered memory ok bye parent fucked
I can't even afford feminine products,I fucking lost at life. Always. Can maybe. Maybe. Scrap by for groceries but I need food more than tampons. Fuck being a woman.,tarakancz,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpkpf/i_cant_even_afford_feminine_products/,fucking lost life always maybe maybe scrap grocery need food tampon fuck woman,even afford feminine product,tara kan cz,127,37,tara kan cz fucking lost life always maybe maybe scrap grocery need food tampon fuck woman even afford feminine product
Hey.,"I'm posting here for the first time on my main reddit account. People I know will probably see this, they'll probably laugh, but I don't care anymore. I need to vent my feelings someplace. I'm a male, so the general stigma around depression for men is to just 'suck it up' like we don't have emotions. Things haven't been going well for me for a long time, and i'm constantly miserable. I feel as if nobody cares about me, and that life will never get better at all. I've never had anybody i'd consider a true friend really my entire life and now i'm 20, it's starting to really hurt. My social circle consists of two people, to which i'm sure they can't stand me. They're always making stupid jokes and putting me down, but - shit, they're the closest people I have to real friends, and the only people I talk to on a daily basis. I'm at rock bottom right now. Every single friendship I've ever tried to make has just turned people away from me, like i'm some monster. I don't even feel human anymore. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I need help. I need to fix myself, i'm a broken person. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore, honestly. I just wish someone would genuinely listen to me and care about my feelings and problems.",DoctorMasterRace,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdt3mm/hey/,posting first time main reddit account people know probably see probably laugh care anymore need vent feeling someplace male general stigma around depression men suck like emotion thing going well long time constantly miserable feel nobody care life never get better never anybody consider true friend really entire life 20 starting really hurt social circle consists two people sure stand always making stupid joke putting shit closest people real friend people talk daily basis rock bottom right every single friendship ever tried make ha turned people away like monster even feel human anymore feel like fit anywhere need help need fix broken person even know anymore honestly wish someone would genuinely listen care feeling problem,hey,doctor master race,1245,4,doctor master race posting first time main reddit account people know probably see probably laugh care anymore need vent feeling someplace male general stigma around depression men suck like emotion thing going well long time constantly miserable feel nobody care life never get better never anybody consider true friend really entire life 20 starting really hurt social circle consists two people sure stand always making stupid joke putting shit closest people real friend people talk daily basis rock bottom right every single friendship ever tried make ha turned people away like monster even feel human anymore feel like fit anywhere need help need fix broken person even know anymore honestly wish someone would genuinely listen care feeling problem hey
Red Dead Redemption 2 helps a lot.,"I've been getting progressively worse throughout this year, and I found myself having the exact same days over and over again. My social life is pretty much nonexistent at this point, and I've found myself struggling to hold onto friends that are drifting away from me.

Then I started playing this game, and I'm actually excited to get back to my apartment and spend time in this world. It feels so rewarding even just to spend the whole day hunting or working on a level 10 beard. It gives me a sense of purpose I haven't really been feeling lately. I'm probably going to spend about a month in each chapter of the game because I want to prolong my time playing.

Just wanted to share my experiences as this game has definitely made my life more positive in the last month.",[deleted],87,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdc6rw/red_dead_redemption_2_helps_a_lot/,getting progressively worse throughout year found exact day social life pretty much nonexistent point found struggling hold onto friend drifting away started playing game actually excited get back apartment spend time world feel rewarding even spend whole day hunting working level 10 beard give sense purpose really feeling lately probably going spend month chapter game want prolong time playing wanted share experience game ha definitely made life positive last month,red dead redemption 2 help lot,deleted,775,34,deleted getting progressively worse throughout year found exact day social life pretty much nonexistent point found struggling hold onto friend drifting away started playing game actually excited get back apartment spend time world feel rewarding even spend whole day hunting working level 10 beard give sense purpose really feeling lately probably going spend month chapter game want prolong time playing wanted share experience game ha definitely made life positive last month red dead redemption 2 help lot
Living in the past,Does anybody know how I can stop living in the past?! How I can stop wishing my life away because of stupid decisions I’ve made. I can’t keep going on like this. It’s destroying me in so many ways.,osir1s2,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtkxs/living_in_the_past/,doe anybody know stop living past stop wishing life away stupid decision made keep going like destroying many way,living past,sir 1 2,197,18,sir 1 2 doe anybody know stop living past stop wishing life away stupid decision made keep going like destroying many way living past
I have just been fired because of the Coronavirus,"This last year with the company has been the best year of my life so far, I finally got to go to work and not hate it, I've been able to get more control of my depression and I've just generally been happier.

And now it feels like my worlds been shattered. Stupid fucking cunts who are blowing this disease out of proportion have led to our clients not getting enough business to give us their business, therefore they've had to let me go with a few of my colleagues.

I can feel my depression coming back, overwhelming me like a tidal wave and I don't know how long I'm going to last now. 

I don't expect anyone to want to help or try and help, I just needed to get this off my chest.",SidelinerSFX,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdu6os/i_have_just_been_fired_because_of_the_coronavirus/,last year company ha best year life far finally got go work hate able get control depression generally happier feel like world shattered stupid fucking cunt blowing disease proportion led client getting enough business give u business therefore let go colleague feel depression coming back overwhelming like tidal wave know long going last expect anyone want help try help needed get chest,fired coronavirus,side liner fx,687,49,side liner fx last year company ha best year life far finally got go work hate able get control depression generally happier feel like world shattered stupid fucking cunt blowing disease proportion led client getting enough business give u business therefore let go colleague feel depression coming back overwhelming like tidal wave know long going last expect anyone want help try help needed get chest fired coronavirus
"How I feel at the moment. If anyone needs any motivation to seek help, this is it. Years of avoiding signals to get help can lead to a breaking point if the person isn't strong mentally, like me.","The last couple of months    ,             I've been tired . 

 I wanna die. Really badly. I don't wan't to cause the people that somehow still love me this pain, they need me here. But I am just so tired, so fucking tired.  I'm tired of this sad, mean, world. I feel like I can succeed, but I don't see the point if I still will not be happy. On the other hand I get the point, try to make family happy, and spend the little time we have with the ones we love. Someone of you may say, ""at least you are lucky you have people that love you this much"", and that is true. If it wasn't for them, I would not be here a long time ago. However, perhaps the feeling that brings within me the most pain and sorrow is: what if that love is not reciprocated? Don't get me wrong, I love these people. But I don't love spending time with anyone. I don't even love spending time by myself. I don't know what I want or what will make my day better. The thought of going through the same cycles of just trying to find some little piece of happy in the day for me and my loved ones for the rest of my life makes me not want to live through it. I find the bad in every activity, see the negative flaw of every person, while at the same time try to keep 'face' as much as possible. I think I can summarize this feeling into: I feel guilty for the pain that I cause my loved ones, but at the same time I am so fucking selfish. I just can't take it anymore. I feel like I am loosing my shit, I don't even know if I am depressed, crazy, bipolar, i don;t know. It just hurts. I want it to stop. \*I wanted better for myself

​

Overall, I don't know why I am writing this. 

I don't even want any help or input{

I just want this sadness to go way, I can't go around another day with my head down and my eyes filled with tears. I just feel like I wasn't born to act like this, I wanted to be strong physically and mentally in order to provide for my loved ones, not tear them down with my negativity. 

everyone problem is bigger than mine. I am just a selfish bitch who is too much of a pussy to deal with his own fucking emotions. There are people in this world who have gotten a much shittier hand. yet here i am fucking wanting to die. how does this make any sense?

It's also really hard to hide being so fucking sad; I am 6'6, live with my loving girlfriend, and trying to be social in years when I still had hope means there are still people who think I want friends in my life that try to reach out once in a while. Only to receive an excuse/ insult/ rambling when I try to avoid them. 

​

No matter how much effort I put into happiness, I can't seem to get close without cheating. Sure, some things make me happy, but as soon as they do, my mind almost tries to find the negative in the situation. 

​

To end this shit, I wanna make a wish.   
I wish for the kids who have to be strong, to have bull sized balls, and help every person in need. 

Because the false sense of protection is the last thing that they need. 

If you can't do it, don't say you can. Because when you don't, or aren't here, they will stay behind wondering why you every left. 

​

Stay strong everyone, 

I am ok with being weak, I already have been for years. This will just be the nail in the coffin.",imjustsotired20,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsin9/how_i_feel_at_the_moment_if_anyone_needs_any/,last couple month tired wanna die really badly wan cause people somehow still love pain need tired fucking tired tired sad mean world feel like succeed see point still happy hand get point try make family happy spend little time one love someone may say least lucky people love much true would long time ago however perhaps feeling brings within pain sorrow love reciprocated get wrong love people love spending time anyone even love spending time know want make day better thought going cycle trying find little piece happy day loved one rest life make want live find bad every activity see negative flaw every person time try keep face much possible think summarize feeling feel guilty pain cause loved one time fucking selfish take anymore feel like loosing shit even know depressed crazy bipolar know hurt want stop wanted better amp x200b overall know writing even want help input want sadness go way go around another day head eye filled tear feel like born act like wanted strong physically mentally order provide loved one tear negativity everyone problem bigger mine selfish bitch much pussy deal fucking emotion people world gotten much shittier hand yet fucking wanting die doe make sense also really hard hide fucking sad 6 6 live loving girlfriend trying social year still hope mean still people think want friend life try reach receive excuse insult rambling try avoid amp x200b matter much effort put happiness seem get close without cheating sure thing make happy soon mind almost try find negative situation amp x200b end shit wanna make wish wish kid strong bull sized ball help every person need false sense protection last thing need say stay behind wondering every left amp x200b stay strong everyone ok weak already year nail coffin,feel moment anyone need motivation seek help year avoiding signal get help lead breaking point person strong mentally like,im tired 20,3310,195,im tired 20 last couple month tired wanna die really badly wan cause people somehow still love pain need tired fucking tired tired sad mean world feel like succeed see point still happy hand get point try make family happy spend little time one love someone may say least lucky people love much true would long time ago however perhaps feeling brings within pain sorrow love reciprocated get wrong love people love spending time anyone even love spending time know want make day better thought going cycle trying find little piece happy day loved one rest life make want live find bad every activity see negative flaw every person time try keep face much possible think summarize feeling feel guilty pain cause loved one time fucking selfish take anymore feel like loosing shit even know depressed crazy bipolar know hurt want stop wanted better amp x200b overall know writing even want help input want sadness go way go around another day head eye filled tear feel like born act like wanted strong physically mentally order provide loved one tear negativity everyone problem bigger mine selfish bitch much pussy deal fucking emotion people world gotten much shittier hand yet fucking wanting die doe make sense also really hard hide fucking sad 6 6 live loving girlfriend trying social year still hope mean still people think want friend life try reach receive excuse insult rambling try avoid amp x200b matter much effort put happiness seem get close without cheating sure thing make happy soon mind almost try find negative situation amp x200b end shit wanna make wish wish kid strong bull sized ball help every person need false sense protection last thing need say stay behind wondering every left amp x200b stay strong everyone ok weak already year nail coffin feel moment anyone need motivation seek help year avoiding signal get help lead breaking point person strong mentally like
Just needed a place to vent where no one knows me,"I (edit : 20f college student ) hate it the feeling of waking up everyday with the same two thoughts "" I wish I never woke up. Oh well another day that I can't wait till it's over"" I feel empty emotionless and sad I have been feeling like this for years(4 years). I thought about ending it millions of times. It's still tempting to this day. I wish I would have someone to talk to but I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings. I hate myself and everything around me and these days it's been getting worse and worse. More emotionless and more empty. I want to cry but I literally can't find tears. The problem is I don't even know what's wrong with me or what's bothering me or how to fix it. I feel so alone. I am an introvert with hard times expressing what my feelings are. And whenever someone notices something is wrong I have the tendancy to avoid them / put alot more distance. This is my second week of only sleeping 3 hours a day... I am still wondering how am I even standing up. I can't remember the last time I was happy or laughing from my heart. I know that everything will be okay but what if okay comes too late... 
(Sorry you don't need to respond. I don't even know if this post will be deleted because I'm not supposed to be posting here or smth oh well ,)",PsychologicalWonder3,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0f14/just_needed_a_place_to_vent_where_no_one_knows_me/,edit 20f college student hate feeling waking everyday two thought wish never woke oh well another day wait till feel empty emotionless sad feeling like year 4 year thought ending million time still tempting day wish would someone talk want burden anyone feeling hate everything around day getting worse worse emotionless empty want cry literally find tear problem even know wrong bothering fix feel alone introvert hard time expressing feeling whenever someone notice something wrong tendancy avoid put alot distance second week sleeping 3 hour day still wondering even standing remember last time wa happy laughing heart know everything okay okay come late sorry need respond even know post deleted supposed posting smth oh well,needed place vent one know,psychological wonder 3,1280,49,psychological wonder 3 edit 20f college student hate feeling waking everyday two thought wish never woke oh well another day wait till feel empty emotionless sad feeling like year 4 year thought ending million time still tempting day wish would someone talk want burden anyone feeling hate everything around day getting worse worse emotionless empty want cry literally find tear problem even know wrong bothering fix feel alone introvert hard time expressing feeling whenever someone notice something wrong tendancy avoid put alot distance second week sleeping 3 hour day still wondering even standing remember last time wa happy laughing heart know everything okay okay come late sorry need respond even know post deleted supposed posting smth oh well needed place vent one know
Harder to Wake Up in the Morning,"I’ve been feeling pretty lost lately, lack of motivation, all my work gets put off until the very last minute then I cram it in.  And the mornings are the hardest part, because waking up means I have to deal with all the thoughts running through my head.  It’s come to the point where I have to physically drag myself out of bed now.  It gets harder to want to wake up every day.",ImagineWagons2233,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0f07/harder_to_wake_up_in_the_morning/,feeling pretty lost lately lack motivation work get put last minute cram morning hardest part waking mean deal thought running head come point physically drag bed get harder want wake every day,harder wake morning,imagine wagon 2233,379,32,imagine wagon 2233 feeling pretty lost lately lack motivation work get put last minute cram morning hardest part waking mean deal thought running head come point physically drag bed get harder want wake every day harder wake morning
What do you do when you don’t want a future?,"Life is really hard even tho my life is relatively good for now but I am not happy. Everyday I question why I’m in college hating every second of it. To work for the rest of my life? For what? Why am I so lazy and unmotivated. My least favorite thing about college is the PEOPLE. I just want to stay inside.

I had to skip therapy this week because I have too much pointless school work to do. 

I’m lucky to even have therapy but I won’t anymore when I turn 25. I am 23 now.",sunfl0wers0ur,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0duu/what_do_you_do_when_you_dont_want_a_future/,life really hard even tho life relatively good happy everyday question college hating every second work rest life lazy unmotivated least favorite thing college people want stay inside skip therapy week much pointless school work lucky even therapy anymore turn 25 23,want future,sun fl 0 wer 0 ur,475,44,sun fl 0 wer 0 ur life really hard even tho life relatively good happy everyday question college hating every second work rest life lazy unmotivated least favorite thing college people want stay inside skip therapy week much pointless school work lucky even therapy anymore turn 25 23 want future
Now what? [when the last thing you enjoy is gone],"I am use to depression causing me to eat tons of food. I self medicate that way, even with meds and therapy- food is usually the only thing that can distract me. 

Now, however, food is bland and gross. I get no satisfaction from it at all and now just eat once a day because *science* says it gives me energy.

Now I feel unsatisfied. It was the last thing I still enjoyed. I can’t read, I can’t write, my musical instruments (cello, piano, guitar) are literally gathering dust. I stopped playing video games that require thought, I haven’t sung in half a year. I hav n’t drawn since before Christmas.




Is this life now?",TyrannousMouse,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr29e/now_what_when_the_last_thing_you_enjoy_is_gone/,use depression causing eat ton food self medicate way even med therapy food usually thing distract however food bland gross get satisfaction eat day science say give energy feel unsatisfied wa last thing still enjoyed read write musical instrument cello piano guitar literally gathering dust stopped playing video game require thought sung half year hav n drawn since christmas life,last thing enjoy gone,tyrannous mouse,624,49,tyrannous mouse use depression causing eat ton food self medicate way even med therapy food usually thing distract however food bland gross get satisfaction eat day science say give energy feel unsatisfied wa last thing still enjoyed read write musical instrument cello piano guitar literally gathering dust stopped playing video game require thought sung half year hav n drawn since christmas life last thing enjoy gone
Day dreaming,Doss anyone else start day dreaming about a good life? A life where your happy. Im in class and the teacher starts explaining a lesson and im just in the back thinking about a perfect life.,Talking_About_Stuff,39,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdfhlm/day_dreaming/,dos anyone else start day dreaming good life life happy im class teacher start explaining lesson im back thinking perfect life,day dreaming,talking stuff,189,12,talking stuff dos anyone else start day dreaming good life life happy im class teacher start explaining lesson im back thinking perfect life day dreaming
I’ll never find that special someone.,"I never will. I don’t find the right one and I let the ones that do become attracted to me abuse me, and hurt me mentally. Why do I keep remembering moments and wanting to be friends with those people that hate me and left me after the January incident? 

No matter how many times I force myself to remember that I may find someone, it won’t stick to my fucking skull.",Kiru4444,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe08co/ill_never_find_that_special_someone/,never find right one let one become attracted abuse hurt mentally keep remembering moment wanting friend people hate left january incident matter many time force remember may find someone stick fucking skull,never find special someone,kir u 4444,368,37,kir u 4444 never find right one let one become attracted abuse hurt mentally keep remembering moment wanting friend people hate left january incident matter many time force remember may find someone stick fucking skull never find special someone
Strange ways to self harm?,"So after some deep soul searching the past couple of days i have come to the conclusion that i am still self harming (29/F) but not by cutting myself like i used to when i was very young. I seem to have created this character, or other personality i suppose? Where i just want to fight everyone, and I won’t back down, i’m not normally a fighter and every single time i hate myself for my behaviour the day after. I guess my thinking is that if i get myself into fights, i’m going to get hurt and a part of me is hoping to be seriously injured so i can just have a break from life 🙄

Anyone else have any odd things they do during a low period?",BlackClouds999,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe07mx/strange_ways_to_self_harm/,deep soul searching past couple day come conclusion still self harming 29 f cutting like used wa young seem created character personality suppose want fight everyone back normally fighter every single time hate behaviour day guess thinking get fight going get hurt part hoping seriously injured break life anyone else odd thing low period,strange way self harm,black cloud 999,644,26,black cloud 999 deep soul searching past couple day come conclusion still self harming 29 f cutting like used wa young seem created character personality suppose want fight everyone back normally fighter every single time hate behaviour day guess thinking get fight going get hurt part hoping seriously injured break life anyone else odd thing low period strange way self harm
Should I throw the ring out that he gave to me?,This guy and I that I have known for two years have spent time together every day this week and last week. I usually spent the night at his house and we had sex a lot. I texted him and asked him if he wanted to hangout tonight. He told me he can't because he has to go to his parents' house tonight. I just feel so sad and hurt and I don't know what to do. I feel like throwing the friendship ring he gave me on my birthday in the trash or flushing it. I'm 25 and he's 29.,bangondrumallday,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe05ha/should_i_throw_the_ring_out_that_he_gave_to_me/,guy known two year spent time together every day week last week usually spent night house sex lot texted asked wanted hangout tonight told ha go parent house tonight feel sad hurt know feel like throwing friendship ring gave birthday trash flushing 25 29,throw ring gave,bang drum day,472,47,bang drum day guy known two year spent time together every day week last week usually spent night house sex lot texted asked wanted hangout tonight told ha go parent house tonight feel sad hurt know feel like throwing friendship ring gave birthday trash flushing 25 29 throw ring gave
Has it ever become better?,I've been in a therapy for about 2 years now and it seems like I just got worse,vadimuha,48,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe05bv/has_it_ever_become_better/,therapy 2 year seems like got worse,ha ever become better,vadim uh,79,26,vadim uh therapy 2 year seems like got worse ha ever become better
Today my mom said I'm antisocial and not fun,"Yesterday my mom took me to a disney event with free tickets (I'm 21) and said I could invite two friends. I invited two girls, 21 and 18 and they're really pretty. They both have boyfriends and even on the photos they posted of the 3 of us together some guys said that they were both hot, but conveniently left me out of that. I have anorexia and my mom took some pics of us all hanging out. Today she said ""look at those pictures. you look like a 12 year old with two babysitters. they're beautiful and look at you. i don't care if you have to deal with your sad thoughts and shit that sucks but you're an embarrassment to me and antisocial your friends seem to have more fun with each other than with you, you're antisocial i wouldn't wanna be your friend.""

I'm really at my wits end. I wish I could sleep the pain away, but it never stops. It will never stop.",makeupyourworld,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdp0kq/today_my_mom_said_im_antisocial_and_not_fun/,yesterday mom took disney event free ticket 21 said could invite two friend invited two girl 21 18 really pretty boyfriend even photo posted 3 u together guy said hot conveniently left anorexia mom took pic u hanging today said look picture look like 12 year old two babysitter beautiful look care deal sad thought shit suck embarrassment antisocial friend seem fun antisocial wanna friend really wit end wish could sleep pain away never stop never stop,today mom said antisocial fun,makeup world,864,44,makeup world yesterday mom took disney event free ticket 21 said could invite two friend invited two girl 21 18 really pretty boyfriend even photo posted 3 u together guy said hot conveniently left anorexia mom took pic u hanging today said look picture look like 12 year old two babysitter beautiful look care deal sad thought shit suck embarrassment antisocial friend seem fun antisocial wanna friend really wit end wish could sleep pain away never stop never stop today mom said antisocial fun
Try to kill myself again,"I tried yesterday, I take almost 30 pills of sertralina, waking UP make me feel like trash, im done, I cut myself again trying to stop my head from runing but I can't, I Will try again tomorrow, this time ist gonna work, I hace 12 Years with this and its enought, love you all",luciferandhishuman,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrwha/try_to_kill_myself_again/,tried yesterday take almost 30 pill sertralina waking make feel like trash im done cut trying stop head runing try tomorrow time ist gonna work hace 12 year enought love,try kill,lucifer human,276,24,lucifer human tried yesterday take almost 30 pill sertralina waking make feel like trash im done cut trying stop head runing try tomorrow time ist gonna work hace 12 year enought love try kill
Bump in my Journey,"Been dealing with depression for a while, but had been progressively getting better. Yesterday my brother committed suicide half the country away and I’m now on the road up to get him cremated.

Life just throws you curve balls doesn’t it?",SendNudes2020,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe01b3/bump_in_my_journey/,dealing depression progressively getting better yesterday brother committed suicide half country away road get cremated life throw curve ball,bump journey,send nude 2020,239,18,send nude 2020 dealing depression progressively getting better yesterday brother committed suicide half country away road get cremated life throw curve ball bump journey
Everything overwhelms me and I want to shut down,I cant concentrate on my work. I'm moving so slowly. I just want to curl up and not exist.,anxietyqueen101,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe010u/everything_overwhelms_me_and_i_want_to_shut_down/,cant concentrate work moving slowly want curl exist,everything overwhelms want shut,anxiety queen 101,90,48,anxiety queen 101 cant concentrate work moving slowly want curl exist everything overwhelms want shut
The emptiness inside me is alive,"The only way I can describe the emptiness I feel inside me is that it's alive. It's like it knows how it makes me feel, and it knows when I'm alone. It almost has a sentience to it.

I love being me. But this emptiness inside me is getting very, VERy hard to explain to my boyfriend. I know he thinks it's his fault sometimes. I just don't know how to tell him that me, and him, and this emptiness are completely separate from each other.

I just don't know.",R_thestoryteller,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe00me/the_emptiness_inside_me_is_alive/,way describe emptiness feel inside alive like know make feel know alone almost ha sentience love emptiness inside getting hard explain boyfriend know think fault sometimes know tell emptiness completely separate know,emptiness inside alive,r storyteller,458,32,r storyteller way describe emptiness feel inside alive like know make feel know alone almost ha sentience love emptiness inside getting hard explain boyfriend know think fault sometimes know tell emptiness completely separate know emptiness inside alive
Rediscovering Meaning in the midth of it,"To everyone out there, the people who have suffered from depression, perhaps for many years. This is my first post, I am, like so many of you lying in bed, have been for many months, known this state for decades.

You are not alone. And whoever you believe yourself to be right now that is not true. remember the person you were when you were fine, happy, in a better place. Feel it, embody that. I know that I am holding on to it. And if life has been mostly dark it helps to believe that experiences of happiness and joy exist somewhere outside of this state...just like Martin Luther king believed in his dreams even at that particular time it seemed impossible.

I do not know what caused you to land hard in this state, for me it was relationship loss, failure, deep loneliness and isolation-I have no family and lost my relationship/friendships to depression- people left-, though life circumstances (financial issues/living environment and of course the abusive childhood) AND my reactions to them e.g. blaming myself, self-sabotage, feeling futile, discouraged, bad habits, unhelpful implicit relational and emotional patterns that keep repeating. Whatever it is that led into this black hole. I guess the situation gets more frustrating with every attempt to heal that did not work. I tried many medications (almost all of them), several psychiatric stays, several years of therapy (CBT, depth psychology), the Hoffmann process, all kinds of meditations, body work, “giving up and surrender”, Eckhart tolle etc you name it.. they all helped a little but nothing really worked in the long term.

And it sucks that nothing seem to work permanently. 

However, I deeply believe that there is meaning imprinted in everyone’s heart. What is your life worth living? What would you like to experience?  If you we’re dying what really matters to you?Lying in bed, can you imagine and feel experiencing it? The happiness, the joy, whatever it is you wish for? In every ayahuasca experience and every other methods that helped me temporary what really helped was seeing clearly this pattern of depression replaying (the thoughts, the emotional pain, the energetic pattern) and then break free of it for a while until familiar patterns re-emerge. It is like getting on a diet and putting on weight again... rebuilding relationships is a huge part of my recovery. So I guess I wanted to reach out to you and ask the question what dreams do you have today? How can you believe in them in your head first and in your body? Often the despair is exactly next to this dream. But keep building that belief. You are not alone, please do not give up. I will not either.",snowinginmay,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzxh2/rediscovering_meaning_in_the_midth_of_it/,everyone people suffered depression perhaps many year first post like many lying bed many month known state decade alone whoever believe right true remember person fine happy better place feel embody know holding life ha mostly dark help believe experience happiness joy exist somewhere outside state like martin luther king believed dream even particular time seemed impossible know caused land hard state wa relationship loss failure deep loneliness isolation family lost relationship friendship depression people left though life circumstance financial issue living environment course abusive childhood reaction e g blaming self sabotage feeling futile discouraged bad habit unhelpful implicit relational emotional pattern keep repeating whatever led black hole guess situation get frustrating every attempt heal work tried many medication almost several psychiatric stay several year therapy cbt depth psychology hoffmann process kind meditation body work giving surrender eckhart tolle etc name helped little nothing really worked long term suck nothing seem work permanently however deeply believe meaning imprinted everyone heart life worth living would like experience dying really matter lying bed imagine feel experiencing happiness joy whatever wish every ayahuasca experience every method helped temporary really helped wa seeing clearly pattern depression replaying thought emotional pain energetic pattern break free familiar pattern emerge like getting diet putting weight rebuilding relationship huge part recovery guess wanted reach ask question dream today believe head first body often despair exactly next dream keep building belief alone please give either,rediscovering meaning midth,snowing may,2658,40,snowing may everyone people suffered depression perhaps many year first post like many lying bed many month known state decade alone whoever believe right true remember person fine happy better place feel embody know holding life ha mostly dark help believe experience happiness joy exist somewhere outside state like martin luther king believed dream even particular time seemed impossible know caused land hard state wa relationship loss failure deep loneliness isolation family lost relationship friendship depression people left though life circumstance financial issue living environment course abusive childhood reaction e g blaming self sabotage feeling futile discouraged bad habit unhelpful implicit relational emotional pattern keep repeating whatever led black hole guess situation get frustrating every attempt heal work tried many medication almost several psychiatric stay several year therapy cbt depth psychology hoffmann process kind meditation body work giving surrender eckhart tolle etc name helped little nothing really worked long term suck nothing seem work permanently however deeply believe meaning imprinted everyone heart life worth living would like experience dying really matter lying bed imagine feel experiencing happiness joy whatever wish every ayahuasca experience every method helped temporary really helped wa seeing clearly pattern depression replaying thought emotional pain energetic pattern break free familiar pattern emerge like getting diet putting weight rebuilding relationship huge part recovery guess wanted reach ask question dream today believe head first body often despair exactly next dream keep building belief alone please give either rediscovering meaning midth
Mental health tanked suddenly. How to get back up again?,This week I’ve been crying a lot and the thought of food makes me feel nauseated. I haven’t been in to work. How can I get myself to get up and try to live my life?,veggiesnomnomnom,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwg4u/mental_health_tanked_suddenly_how_to_get_back_up/,week cry lot thought food make feel nauseated work get get try live life,mental health tanked suddenly get back,veggie nom nom nom,164,56,veggie nom nom nom week cry lot thought food make feel nauseated work get get try live life mental health tanked suddenly get back
The Sequence. The despair. You will know.,"It was at the hospital where I was working that it began when they took the infant raw from the womb and its body was polished ivory and a nuclear haze hung about its head and the words on the limbs were the twice-hidden acid litany I had sought and from it I defined the Sequence and this is the Sequence:

The Beast is pulled from the Dead Sea. It’s body is a salted wreck, and 7 heads top 7 ruined spines, and it is classified Gastropoda Megido by the Great Philosophers, and their steel physicians spit lightning down the nerves and its thrashing causes

The twitching in the upper atmosphere of a radio worm that is caught by the numbers stations and woven into the twelfth wavelength and a man in Moscow breaks the limestone shell on the humming copper dials and twists it into the monotone buzz and broadcasts to

The concrete bunker under Bikini Atoll where the pristine carcass of Einstein is still breathing in its galvanised cradle and a host of mathematical spectres are recording the convulsing patterns of his immortal cortex and from it they realise

That there is a Ford T-Model in a dusty cobalt sheen travelling Route 66 surrounded by a corona of cyanide and sulphur and the passengers are twice as worse as the driver and the drivers nails curl around the steering wheel and the colour of his eyes is the same as the arterial shades seen in the severed limbs of the myriad cadavers littering the streets where


A company of knights are solemnly striding through the wreckage and their banner is a dying CRT monitor from which a host of wires vomit forth into the shuddering rubber cancer of the power grid and upon the screen can be seen

A low resolution image, a pixel rupture bloom in which can vaguely be discerned the silhouette of a pallid hairless figure, and it slowly turns towards the camera which whines and coughs molten filament in protest at the eyes of the thing which

Flicker through a chemical veil rising from the blistered bones of the buildings, the weeping solar sore brushing the earth with a curtain of incomprehensible colour before

Somewhere in the Atlantic a tiny black box adrift on a cyan surf begins to hum long and low and 3 seperate people write the words on their chests in arsenic and

A roar from out of space",KydeyEater,7,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzubc/the_sequence_the_despair_you_will_know/,wa hospital wa working began took infant raw womb body wa polished ivory nuclear haze hung head word limb twice hidden acid litany sought defined sequence sequence beast pulled dead sea body salted wreck 7 head top 7 ruined spine classified gastropoda megido great philosopher steel physician spit lightning nerve thrashing cause twitching upper atmosphere radio worm caught number station woven twelfth wavelength man moscow break limestone shell humming copper dial twist monotone buzz broadcast concrete bunker bikini atoll pristine carcass einstein still breathing galvanised cradle host mathematical spectre recording convulsing pattern immortal cortex realise ford model dusty cobalt sheen travelling route 66 surrounded corona cyanide sulphur passenger twice worse driver driver nail curl around steering wheel colour eye arterial shade seen severed limb myriad cadaver littering street company knight solemnly striding wreckage banner dying crt monitor host wire vomit forth shuddering rubber cancer power grid upon screen seen low resolution image pixel rupture bloom vaguely discerned silhouette pallid hairless figure slowly turn towards camera whine cough molten filament protest eye thing flicker chemical veil rising blistered bone building weeping solar sore brushing earth curtain incomprehensible colour somewhere atlantic tiny black box adrift cyan surf begin hum long low 3 seperate people write word chest arsenic roar space,sequence despair know,ky dey eater,2265,41,ky dey eater wa hospital wa working began took infant raw womb body wa polished ivory nuclear haze hung head word limb twice hidden acid litany sought defined sequence sequence beast pulled dead sea body salted wreck 7 head top 7 ruined spine classified gastropoda megido great philosopher steel physician spit lightning nerve thrashing cause twitching upper atmosphere radio worm caught number station woven twelfth wavelength man moscow break limestone shell humming copper dial twist monotone buzz broadcast concrete bunker bikini atoll pristine carcass einstein still breathing galvanised cradle host mathematical spectre recording convulsing pattern immortal cortex realise ford model dusty cobalt sheen travelling route 66 surrounded corona cyanide sulphur passenger twice worse driver driver nail curl around steering wheel colour eye arterial shade seen severed limb myriad cadaver littering street company knight solemnly striding wreckage banner dying crt monitor host wire vomit forth shuddering rubber cancer power grid upon screen seen low resolution image pixel rupture bloom vaguely discerned silhouette pallid hairless figure slowly turn towards camera whine cough molten filament protest eye thing flicker chemical veil rising blistered bone building weeping solar sore brushing earth curtain incomprehensible colour somewhere atlantic tiny black box adrift cyan surf begin hum long low 3 seperate people write word chest arsenic roar space sequence despair know
I hate myself,"I hate myself so much 
It hurts




I hate my body




Life is suffering

I feel deprresed and  angry
 

And there is person i hate so much i fucking hate him omgg",veelw,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdztbh/i_hate_myself/,hate much hurt hate body life suffering feel deprresed angry person hate much fucking hate omgg,hate,vee lw,163,13,vee lw hate much hurt hate body life suffering feel deprresed angry person hate much fucking hate omgg hate
I’m successful so why do I hate myself,"Almost everyday I wake up hating myself, why would I hate myself though? I graduated High School, have a loving and healthy family, have hobbies and online friends. Yet I find myself so paranoid and hateful of myself, why do I deserve this life I have?
Sometimes I just wanna scream, feeling like I’m trapped in another person’s skin, I feel like all my accomplishments are fake and I’m a useless slab of meat who’ll eventually die. I don’t have real life friends, post secondary, a job, a car or a license and the closest family I have is 6 hours away and barely talks to me. I want to be happy for the good things in my life but find hating myself all too easy. When I hate myself I feel selfish, like I’m so self-absorbed that I only care about myself. I just want to be happy like people online or in my family, to just always see the glass half full and not always half empty",Greensbean,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwd32/im_successful_so_why_do_i_hate_myself/,almost everyday wake hating would hate though graduated high school loving healthy family hobby online friend yet find paranoid hateful deserve life sometimes wanna scream feeling like trapped another person skin feel like accomplishment fake useless slab meat eventually die real life friend post secondary job car license closest family 6 hour away barely talk want happy good thing life find hating easy hate feel selfish like self absorbed care want happy like people online family always see glass half full always half empty,successful hate,green bean,880,38,green bean almost everyday wake hating would hate though graduated high school loving healthy family hobby online friend yet find paranoid hateful deserve life sometimes wanna scream feeling like trapped another person skin feel like accomplishment fake useless slab meat eventually die real life friend post secondary job car license closest family 6 hour away barely talk want happy good thing life find hating easy hate feel selfish like self absorbed care want happy like people online family always see glass half full always half empty successful hate
i think it’s time.,"i’m 17, im a senior in high school. i wake up, i go to school, i come home, i do my homework, i do chores around the house, i take care of the pets, i take care of myself, i eat when i should and i shower and i keep my room clean. i go to the gym and i actively produce art. i listen to music, i play guitar, i spend time with my mom and friends. im not unhappy, my life just feels so dull and gray. i’m not sad or angry, i’m not upset about anything. 

there have been previous years of my life that were overcome by anxiety and major depression and self harm and even a suicide attempt. but then i was sad, i was angry and confused and disgusted. i’ve suffered ptsd since age 12, and that affected me a lot. it still affects me, especially now that i have a form a physical ptsd (that’s how my doctor described it, i don’t know what else to call it) from overdosing 2 years when i tried to kill myself. 

but trauma aside, i don’t feel anything negative. of course i have my bad moods like anyone else, but really i’d say i have more good moods than bad moods. i laugh, i smile, i joke (a lot, i’m the comedian of my circle). 

i tell you all of this because it’s so odd that i live my life on autopilot, doing everything i should and being more positive than i used to be. but almost every hour of my day is filled with thoughts of suicide. i fantasize of slicing my wrists open to watch the blood pool in the tub beneath me. i imagine driving to the old hanging tree on the other side of town in the middle of the night and leaving my body dangling for someone to find in the morning. walking on the sidewalk i laugh to myself as i think about jumping in front of the cars rolling by. 

i don’t self harm. i don’t cry. it’s all funny to me. it’s all a game.",cafeteriamilk,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzr8b/i_think_its_time/,17 im senior high school wake go school come home homework chore around house take care pet take care eat shower keep room clean go gym actively produce art listen music play guitar spend time mom friend im unhappy life feel dull gray sad angry upset anything previous year life overcome anxiety major depression self harm even suicide attempt wa sad wa angry confused disgusted suffered ptsd since age 12 affected lot still affect especially form physical ptsd doctor described know else call overdosing 2 year tried kill trauma aside feel anything negative course bad mood like anyone else really say good mood bad mood laugh smile joke lot comedian circle tell odd live life autopilot everything positive used almost every hour day filled thought suicide fantasize slicing wrist open watch blood pool tub beneath imagine driving old hanging tree side town middle night leaving body dangling someone find morning walking sidewalk laugh think jumping front car rolling self harm cry funny game,think time,cafeteria milk,1761,18,cafeteria milk 17 im senior high school wake go school come home homework chore around house take care pet take care eat shower keep room clean go gym actively produce art listen music play guitar spend time mom friend im unhappy life feel dull gray sad angry upset anything previous year life overcome anxiety major depression self harm even suicide attempt wa sad wa angry confused disgusted suffered ptsd since age 12 affected lot still affect especially form physical ptsd doctor described know else call overdosing 2 year tried kill trauma aside feel anything negative course bad mood like anyone else really say good mood bad mood laugh smile joke lot comedian circle tell odd live life autopilot everything positive used almost every hour day filled thought suicide fantasize slicing wrist open watch blood pool tub beneath imagine driving old hanging tree side town middle night leaving body dangling someone find morning walking sidewalk laugh think jumping front car rolling self harm cry funny game think time
Positivity revolts me.,"I feel sick whenever someone praises me, or says anything optimistic directed towards me.

 It feels disgusting, as if they're lying to my face. My mind tells me they have to be lying. They *have* to, else everything I've established in my head about myself is destroyed.

Can anyone relate?",du172837,12,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdl7sl/positivity_revolts_me/,feel sick whenever someone praise say anything optimistic directed towards feel disgusting lying face mind tell lying else everything established head destroyed anyone relate,positivity revolt,du 172837,291,22,du 172837 feel sick whenever someone praise say anything optimistic directed towards feel disgusting lying face mind tell lying else everything established head destroyed anyone relate positivity revolt
Am i the only one who doesn't understand this?,One think i wont ever understand is my friends getting extremly sad when i mention that i want to kill myself. They always somehow manage to talk me out of it but i dont u derstand why they would. My life's shit and i dont look forward to amything anymore. I really just want to die. Thats literally the only thing that would make me happy. Shouldnt they want the best for me? Why do they always keep me from being happy? And why does it work?,Xenocat_memes,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzowq/am_i_the_only_one_who_doesnt_understand_this/,one think wont ever understand friend getting extremly sad mention want kill always somehow manage talk dont u derstand would life shit dont look forward amything anymore really want die thats literally thing would make happy shouldnt want best always keep happy doe work,one understand,xe nocat meme,443,46,xe nocat meme one think wont ever understand friend getting extremly sad mention want kill always somehow manage talk dont u derstand would life shit dont look forward amything anymore really want die thats literally thing would make happy shouldnt want best always keep happy doe work one understand
Question about another post in r/mademesmile,"Post in question: https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/fdwfoq/yesssss/

Everyone always says diet/exercise/sleep...etc to help combat depression. However, over the years I have periodically thrown myself into all of those and when I do my depression gets worse.   Like instead of just existing now I'm adding more work to my plate that I do not enjoy. Anyone else feel the same way when they try the common recommendations?",xeightx,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdznhg/question_about_another_post_in_rmademesmile/,post question http www reddit com r mademesmile comment fdwfoq yes everyone always say diet exercise sleep etc help combat depression however year periodically thrown depression get worse like instead existing adding work plate enjoy anyone else feel way try common recommendation,question another post r mademesmile,x eight x,432,44,x eight x post question http www reddit com r mademesmile comment fdwfoq yes everyone always say diet exercise sleep etc help combat depression however year periodically thrown depression get worse like instead existing adding work plate enjoy anyone else feel way try common recommendation question another post r mademesmile
Dealing with everything alone.,"I just need to vent. I’m moving in a month and do not have the energy to pack and plan for movers and everything. I also went through a breakup 3 months ago and my ex still has things he needs to get from my apartment, but he keeps pushing back when he’s coming and it’s causing me so much anxiety. Our break up was amicable but he has no respect for my time now and I resent him for it. Also found out yesterday he hit up one of my friends, presumably to hook up. I’m just questioning if literally any part of our 3 year relationship was real or genuine at all. 

I just feel so alone and overwhelmed and cannot focus on anything I need to right now. I feel like no one cares about me.",myredmakeupbag,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzmv2/dealing_with_everything_alone/,need vent moving month energy pack plan mover everything also went breakup 3 month ago ex still ha thing need get apartment keep pushing back coming causing much anxiety break wa amicable ha respect time resent also found yesterday hit one friend presumably hook questioning literally part 3 year relationship wa real genuine feel alone overwhelmed cannot focus anything need right feel like one care,dealing everything alone,red makeup bag,686,30,red makeup bag need vent moving month energy pack plan mover everything also went breakup 3 month ago ex still ha thing need get apartment keep pushing back coming causing much anxiety break wa amicable ha respect time resent also found yesterday hit one friend presumably hook questioning literally part 3 year relationship wa real genuine feel alone overwhelmed cannot focus anything need right feel like one care dealing everything alone
How i've been feeling.,"I don't wanna try and go for another doctors appointment as nothing came out my last one, and it just feels like too much effort, felt so anxious the entire time after I booked it and it wasn't nice. I also just want someone to hug the entire night platonically, but have no one to do so with, and I feel numb when it comes to sadness, like I can't cry or anything or if I do, its just a few tears and I have no clue why. It fucking sucks but I just wanna stay in my bed all day and sleep. Being un educated and a teen has its perks and I have so fucking many more issues like how my teeth are so bad, 10 fillings and a tooth removed but when it gets to the point of too much pain i'm hoping the pain will drive me to kill myself and go to peace.",throwaway12397253,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdw7ir/how_ive_been_feeling/,wanna try go another doctor appointment nothing came last one feel like much effort felt anxious entire time booked nice also want someone hug entire night platonically one feel numb come sadness like cry anything tear clue fucking suck wanna stay bed day sleep un educated teen ha perk fucking many issue like teeth bad 10 filling tooth removed get point much pain hoping pain drive kill go peace,feeling,throwaway 12397253,746,22,throwaway 12397253 wanna try go another doctor appointment nothing came last one feel like much effort felt anxious entire time booked nice also want someone hug entire night platonically one feel numb come sadness like cry anything tear clue fucking suck wanna stay bed day sleep un educated teen ha perk fucking many issue like teeth bad 10 filling tooth removed get point much pain hoping pain drive kill go peace feeling
A poem I just wrote,"A shrunken pain builds up in my heart,

a heaviness in my chest.

An empty feeling in my stomach,

that makes life meaningless.

The occasional sting on my arm,

reminding me of my hardships.

At times I feel so lonely,

like there's no one I can trust.

I cherish those few moments with my friends,

but in the end,

life is just a space between birth and death.",birbeech,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtlu7/a_poem_i_just_wrote/,shrunken pain build heart heaviness chest empty feeling stomach make life meaningless occasional sting arm reminding hardship time feel lonely like one trust cherish moment friend end life space birth death,poem wrote,bir beech,363,19,bir beech shrunken pain build heart heaviness chest empty feeling stomach make life meaningless occasional sting arm reminding hardship time feel lonely like one trust cherish moment friend end life space birth death poem wrote
think its over,i just don’t wanna live anymore so yeah,redignatz,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzlsv/think_its_over/,wanna live anymore yeah,think,red ign atz,39,14,red ign atz wanna live anymore yeah think
Why bother,"Another day of nobody at home understanding the underlying reasons I do things . Why I sleep so much, why I'm in my room all the time, why I eat so much.
I sleep so I don't have to deal with things.
I'm in my room so I don't bother people.
I eat so much because food is the one of the few things that make me happy anymore.
I put on the facade for everyone that I'm this optimistic, happy go lucky person, but if people really knew.

And God forbid I tell my mom I have depression. She'd yell and tell me I don't. I know somethings wrong. I have something, depression, BPD, ADHD, something! But I'm too poor to be diagnosed and too scared to ever confide in family, to only be told I'm saying this because I want attention.

And every day I have to pretend I'm ok.",curlyqkay,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdziiw/why_bother/,another day nobody home understanding underlying reason thing sleep much room time eat much sleep deal thing room bother people eat much food one thing make happy anymore put facade everyone optimistic happy go lucky person people really knew god forbid tell mom depression yell tell know somethings wrong something depression bpd adhd something poor diagnosed scared ever confide family told saying want attention every day pretend ok,bother,curly q kay,764,10,curly q kay another day nobody home understanding underlying reason thing sleep much room time eat much sleep deal thing room bother people eat much food one thing make happy anymore put facade everyone optimistic happy go lucky person people really knew god forbid tell mom depression yell tell know somethings wrong something depression bpd adhd something poor diagnosed scared ever confide family told saying want attention every day pretend ok bother
No future for me.,"I am 28, no friends, no close relatives, no girl, no skills, still living with parents and my brother, no dreams, no nothing, not a single will to live.

Last January I almost drowned swimming in the ocean and while drowning, I realized it’s okay it’s gonna be over but I was rescued. So I tried to live these months to see if I can. But I do not if I can anymore. I need to stop pretending that it’s all gonna be ok.

Yeah. So I have no future really. Why live.",Shurikunai,63,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fddcb2/no_future_for_me/,28 friend close relative girl skill still living parent brother dream nothing single live last january almost drowned swimming ocean drowning realized okay gonna wa rescued tried live month see anymore need stop pretending gonna ok yeah future really live,future,shu riku nai,462,17,shu riku nai 28 friend close relative girl skill still living parent brother dream nothing single live last january almost drowned swimming ocean drowning realized okay gonna wa rescued tried live month see anymore need stop pretending gonna ok yeah future really live future
I'm sick of trying,"Guys, i'm really sick of my life everytime i try and cope with the situation a more worst situation come up and i cope with it, stuck in an endless loop.
So i just wanna die, nothing good will ever happen i know that, i will keep living my life stuck in this shit till i die so why i shouldn't die rightnow and just end it.
Fuck my life, fuck me, i just wanna die.",Gearhead0,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzc3t/im_sick_of_trying/,guy really sick life everytime try cope situation worst situation come cope stuck endless loop wanna die nothing good ever happen know keep living life stuck shit till die die rightnow end fuck life fuck wanna die,sick trying,gear head 0,364,18,gear head 0 guy really sick life everytime try cope situation worst situation come cope stuck endless loop wanna die nothing good ever happen know keep living life stuck shit till die die rightnow end fuck life fuck wanna die sick trying
advice about starting antidepressants,"hey, i’ve been thinking about if i should start taking medication for my depression, but i don’t know if it’s “severe” enough. 

for you who have been on antidepressants before or are now, how deep were your depression before you started? and did it actually work? 

thanks in advance",eatshitanddieplease,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdzain/advice_about_starting_antidepressants/,hey thinking start taking medication depression know severe enough antidepressant deep depression started actually work thanks advance,advice starting antidepressant,eats hit die please,284,37,eats hit die please hey thinking start taking medication depression know severe enough antidepressant deep depression started actually work thanks advance advice starting antidepressant
Finally seeking help,I have struggled with depression since I was \~13.  I (with encouragement from my wife) finally want to see someone about it.  Should I go to my general doctor first and get a referral or just try to find a therapist?  I am in the US and my insurance does not require a referral.,penguinchem13,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdz7lu/finally_seeking_help/,struggled depression since wa 13 encouragement wife finally want see someone go general doctor first get referral try find therapist u insurance doe require referral,finally seeking help,penguin chem 13,279,20,penguin chem 13 struggled depression since wa 13 encouragement wife finally want see someone go general doctor first get referral try find therapist u insurance doe require referral finally seeking help
Misery,"Without fail, my days become dark. No matter I do, life will remind me why I’m worthless. I feel like giving up. Too bad my family don’t hate me enough to not care about me committing suicide. I need to escape my own mind. I am severely depressed and all I think about is hurting myself. I just want something good to happen to me. Why do I always have to suffer in the end? Is it a punishment from God because I am starting to think it is. I don’t know why I am so worthless. I am having terrible thoughts of the end.",DrakenJosh98,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdz7js/misery/,without fail day become dark matter life remind worthless feel like giving bad family hate enough care committing suicide need escape mind severely depressed think hurting want something good happen always suffer end punishment god starting think know worthless terrible thought end,misery,draken josh 98,518,6,draken josh 98 without fail day become dark matter life remind worthless feel like giving bad family hate enough care committing suicide need escape mind severely depressed think hurting want something good happen always suffer end punishment god starting think know worthless terrible thought end misery
Feel fake,"Every interaction just feels fake. I always want to be the popular guy (charismatic) considering I dont have many friends if any and hide away from people spending at least 15 hours a day in a room watching tv shows I've seen 100s of times. I just dont want to do anything. I have no interest in starting hobbys. I go to the gym and during the work out. Theres just a constant your not good enough, people are just being nice and dont really like you, they know your fake and try hard. Im conscious of everything how I walk, talk etc. I cant seem to accept myself, struggle with being authentic and just fill myself with information on the subject. 

I know I have to stop being a bitch and get a grip but it's like an internal battle and its exhausting. It's like I cant just let go for some reason.


I basically live in my mind with thoughts of being inadequate or fake in all areas, 
slowing falling into a victim role. 
I dont know who I am. If that makes sence.
Any suggestions or people who can relate ?",RebornRelove,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvug5/feel_fake/,every interaction feel fake always want popular guy charismatic considering dont many friend hide away people spending least 15 hour day room watching tv show seen 100 time dont want anything interest starting hobby go gym work constant good enough people nice dont really like know fake try hard im conscious everything walk talk etc cant seem accept struggle authentic fill information subject know stop bitch get grip like internal battle exhausting like cant let go reason basically live mind thought inadequate fake area slowing falling victim role dont know make sence suggestion people relate,feel fake,reborn love,1010,9,reborn love every interaction feel fake always want popular guy charismatic considering dont many friend hide away people spending least 15 hour day room watching tv show seen 100 time dont want anything interest starting hobby go gym work constant good enough people nice dont really like know fake try hard im conscious everything walk talk etc cant seem accept struggle authentic fill information subject know stop bitch get grip like internal battle exhausting like cant let go reason basically live mind thought inadequate fake area slowing falling victim role dont know make sence suggestion people relate feel fake
i feel so empty at the moment,"i was perfectly fine until about 9pm last night (i randomly started crying out of nowhere as i was watching a perfectly normal youtube video, although i've forgotten what it was about, but it wasn't anything upsetting or triggering).

so i go to sleep at about 10ish and assume that i'll be better when i wake up, but i was wrong. i woke up still depressed and crying again, not wanting to get out of bed or do anything, let alone go to uni and do my work/study. i get up and get ready (although this felt like it took an eternity to do), and go to uni for a while, but i found it really overwhelming. i don't remember what else happened, but i decided to go back home (student flat) and try to take my mind off work even though i can't because the deadlines are coming pretty fast.

to think that i was full of energy and ideas 2 days ago is beyond me since i've barely had the energy to get out of bed this morning. i also don't have the energy to cry anymore, so now i'm just empty and wanting to die. also this post doesn't really make much sense, but i'm super depressed and empty that i feel like i can't function anymore",snoos_operator,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvtyl/i_feel_so_empty_at_the_moment/,wa perfectly fine 9pm last night randomly started cry nowhere wa watching perfectly normal youtube video although forgotten wa anything upsetting triggering go sleep 10ish assume better wake wa wrong woke still depressed cry wanting get bed anything let alone go uni work study get get ready although felt like took eternity go uni found really overwhelming remember else happened decided go back home student flat try take mind work even though deadline coming pretty fast think wa full energy idea 2 day ago beyond since barely energy get bed morning also energy cry anymore empty wanting die also post really make much sense super depressed empty feel like function anymore,feel empty moment,operator,1127,29,operator wa perfectly fine 9pm last night randomly started cry nowhere wa watching perfectly normal youtube video although forgotten wa anything upsetting triggering go sleep 10ish assume better wake wa wrong woke still depressed cry wanting get bed anything let alone go uni work study get get ready although felt like took eternity go uni found really overwhelming remember else happened decided go back home student flat try take mind work even though deadline coming pretty fast think wa full energy idea 2 day ago beyond since barely energy get bed morning also energy cry anymore empty wanting die also post really make much sense super depressed empty feel like function anymore feel empty moment
I’m slipping again,"And this time I cant really hide it. The last few times its happened I’ve been able to hide it from my friends beaches I only had two clase with them, but this year I have four. They’ve never really seen me slip into a depression before (in fact they didn’t notice the first time when it was really, really bad) so they’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve started cutting again. They’re not exactly wrong, but its not even ounce every two weeks, and not for the reasons they think (bullying/ people being less than kind). They really don’t know as much about my mental state as they think they do. Should I do something? Is there anything I can do without freaking them out with my suicidal tendencies?",wavwaz,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvsda/im_slipping_again/,time cant really hide last time happened able hide friend beach two clase year four never really seen slip depression fact notice first time wa really really bad come conclusion started cutting exactly wrong even ounce every two week reason think bullying people le kind really know much mental state think something anything without freaking suicidal tendency,slipping,wav waz,702,18,wav waz time cant really hide last time happened able hide friend beach two clase year four never really seen slip depression fact notice first time wa really really bad come conclusion started cutting exactly wrong even ounce every two week reason think bullying people le kind really know much mental state think something anything without freaking suicidal tendency slipping
I don’t feel loved by anyone and I don’t think anyone loves me,"Im a freshman in college. I feel terrible writing about all my problems on an online forum, but I’ve gotten to this point in my life where I just feel stuck and I feel like I can’t confide in my friends or family. I feel sad all the time. I don’t like myself and I don’t think I ever will, but what gets me to care about myself the most is when people show they care about me because it reminds me of what makes me happy. 

But lately I just feel like a burden to everyone. I recently told my close (best?) friend at college that I hate myself and that sometimes, even though I would never do anything to myself, I feel like there’s no point in me being here. She told me that she doesn’t want to hear stuff like that and that she’s going to distance herself because that made her worry about me all the time. And I understand and that I should be going to see a counselor but it just hurts. Because yea if my friend told me that I would worry but I also wouldn’t push them away because I would understand that they just need someone. 

It hurts that I put my whole heart into all my relationships and that I would do anything for the people I care about and to lift them up but at this point it feels like they wouldn’t do the same and I just feel alone. I feel like everyone is fed up with me and that I’m just sad and there’s so many things missing from my life and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I try so hard to be this amazing friend and person to everyone around me and it gets me nowhere. I want to fix it but I don’t know how and now I’m just left feeling absolutely alone and with no one else to turn to. I just don’t know what to do",juliablt01,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdz3fd/i_dont_feel_loved_by_anyone_and_i_dont_think/,im freshman college feel terrible writing problem online forum gotten point life feel stuck feel like confide friend family feel sad time like think ever get care people show care reminds make happy lately feel like burden everyone recently told close best friend college hate sometimes even though would never anything feel like point told want hear stuff like going distance made worry time understand going see counselor hurt yea friend told would worry also push away would understand need someone hurt put whole heart relationship would anything people care lift point feel like feel alone feel like everyone fed sad many thing missing life know wrong know try hard amazing friend person everyone around get nowhere want fix know left feeling absolutely alone one else turn know,feel loved anyone think anyone love,julia b lt 01,1664,62,julia b lt 01 im freshman college feel terrible writing problem online forum gotten point life feel stuck feel like confide friend family feel sad time like think ever get care people show care reminds make happy lately feel like burden everyone recently told close best friend college hate sometimes even though would never anything feel like point told want hear stuff like going distance made worry time understand going see counselor hurt yea friend told would worry also push away would understand need someone hurt put whole heart relationship would anything people care lift point feel like feel alone feel like everyone fed sad many thing missing life know wrong know try hard amazing friend person everyone around get nowhere want fix know left feeling absolutely alone one else turn know feel loved anyone think anyone love
"clap, clap meme review!","depression is real 

​

​

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playlist: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=uaZDtmVsSVm8FjJs3W-PyQ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=uaZDtmVsSVm8FjJs3W-PyQ)",outakuslayer69,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdu6r5/clap_clap_meme_review/,depression real amp x200b amp x200b amp x200b playlist http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si uazdtmvssvm8fjjs3w pyq http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si uazdtmvssvm8fjjs3w pyq,clap clap meme review,aku slayer 69,241,23,aku slayer 69 depression real amp x200b amp x200b amp x200b playlist http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si uazdtmvssvm8fjjs3w pyq http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si uazdtmvssvm8fjjs3w pyq clap clap meme review
Please end me,"Sometimes I just cant even. I hate school so much, I hate everything about it. I hate all kinds of work too, I’m so fucking tired of all off it, having to work hard and try all the time and its still fucking useless, I still cant do jack shit and I’m a completely useless piece of human garbage. I hate life I wanna fucking die seriously",Bumfacef,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdu41y/please_end_me/,sometimes cant even hate school much hate everything hate kind work fucking tired work hard try time still fucking useless still cant jack shit completely useless piece human garbage hate life wanna fucking die seriously,please end,bum face f,337,13,bum face f sometimes cant even hate school much hate everything hate kind work fucking tired work hard try time still fucking useless still cant jack shit completely useless piece human garbage hate life wanna fucking die seriously please end
SSRIs and NDRIs and not killing libido,"I'm a mid-20s woman with rapid-cycling bipolar II but I'm posting here because I'm asking about antidepressants and how to control my depressive episodes.

My moods were under control when I was on lithium and zoloft, but the zoloft (50 mg, so not much) absolutely ZAPPED my sex drive. I would force myself to do it to please my partner (no, he did not coerce me). Aside from that, I felt the best I'd ever felt. No complaints otherwise.

Last June, I went off the zoloft and stuck with the lithium and felt fine, but I felt some depression symptoms coming back after a couple months. My anxiety and reactivity increased, but I was still WAY better off than with no meds whatsoever.

In December, my psychiatrist recommended an NDRI to help prevent a change in libido. I started wellbutrin (100 mg so again, not much) and it was definitely helping, but now I'm feeling some depression symptoms coming back again. I have spent the last week thinking I'm stupid and pathetic and useless for no apparent reason. My psychiatrist thinks I did better on an SSRI, but the lack of libido was awful and not something I ever want to experience again. I know that particular symptom varies from person to person, so I wanted to know about others' experiences with those classes of antidepressants and if symptoms varied from drug to drug, even within the same class.",scorpio_szn,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdyyl9/ssris_and_ndris_and_not_killing_libido/,mid 20 woman rapid cycling bipolar ii posting asking antidepressant control depressive episode mood control wa lithium zoloft zoloft 50 mg much absolutely zapped sex drive would force please partner coerce aside felt best ever felt complaint otherwise last june went zoloft stuck lithium felt fine felt depression symptom coming back couple month anxiety reactivity increased wa still way better med whatsoever december psychiatrist recommended ndri help prevent change libido started wellbutrin 100 mg much wa definitely helping feeling depression symptom coming back spent last week thinking stupid pathetic useless apparent reason psychiatrist think better ssri lack libido wa awful something ever want experience know particular symptom varies person person wanted know others experience class antidepressant symptom varied drug drug even within class,ssri ndris killing libido,scorpio zn,1355,38,scorpio zn mid 20 woman rapid cycling bipolar ii posting asking antidepressant control depressive episode mood control wa lithium zoloft zoloft 50 mg much absolutely zapped sex drive would force please partner coerce aside felt best ever felt complaint otherwise last june went zoloft stuck lithium felt fine felt depression symptom coming back couple month anxiety reactivity increased wa still way better med whatsoever december psychiatrist recommended ndri help prevent change libido started wellbutrin 100 mg much wa definitely helping feeling depression symptom coming back spent last week thinking stupid pathetic useless apparent reason psychiatrist think better ssri lack libido wa awful something ever want experience know particular symptom varies person person wanted know others experience class antidepressant symptom varied drug drug even within class ssri ndris killing libido
Is it worht looking for help?,"Today's my first appointment with a psychologist, but i don't know if it's going to work, I might give up. Has it worked with you?",MrArizona155,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdyt11/is_it_worht_looking_for_help/,today first appointment psychologist know going work might give ha worked,worht looking help,mr arizona 155,130,29,mr arizona 155 today first appointment psychologist know going work might give ha worked worht looking help
I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed,"I see memes everyday and occasionally nose exhale, but shit I just don’t have that same vibe anymore. I hate being alone all the time, I won’t even speak for an entire week because I have no one to talk to here at college. Doesn’t help when my only friend group at home is breaking apart slowly. Shit hurts. Can’t fucking talk to anyone, don’t know how to keep conversations going even over text with new people.",Stealthkillerftw,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrhly/i_cant_remember_the_last_time_i_genuinely_laughed/,see meme everyday occasionally nose exhale shit vibe anymore hate alone time even speak entire week one talk college help friend group home breaking apart slowly shit hurt fucking talk anyone know keep conversation going even text new people,remember last time genuinely laughed,stealth killer ft w,412,50,stealth killer ft w see meme everyday occasionally nose exhale shit vibe anymore hate alone time even speak entire week one talk college help friend group home breaking apart slowly shit hurt fucking talk anyone know keep conversation going even text new people remember last time genuinely laughed
"Been back on medication for depression and anxiety for the past week and I still feel... Like.. Well, you know. Need advice.","Been put back on antidepressants to help me with anxiety and depression. Also, short term benzo. Nothing is going right in life at the moment. And I've taken to hurting myself in anyway as much as possible.

I have no control and alone in this, no one that actually wants to walk with me through this... Which, is the norm.

And, I've done what I always do, which is cut everyone off, delete/deactivate everything, go to work with a mask on every day, crying myself to sleep every single night.

Guess, knowing that I'm actually getting up and going to work is a good thing. As last time I just let everything go. I'm not as deep as I was back then, but I am still sinking right now. 

I've also had two panic attacks since. 

How long before the antidepressants begin to work typically?",wingless-angel-13,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvbwx/been_back_on_medication_for_depression_and/,put back antidepressant help anxiety depression also short term benzo nothing going right life moment taken hurting anyway much possible control alone one actually want walk norm done always cut everyone delete deactivate everything go work mask every day cry sleep every single night guess knowing actually getting going work good thing last time let everything go deep wa back still sinking right also two panic attack since long antidepressant begin work typically,back medication depression anxiety past week still feel like well know need advice,wingless angel 13,787,124,wingless angel 13 put back antidepressant help anxiety depression also short term benzo nothing going right life moment taken hurting anyway much possible control alone one actually want walk norm done always cut everyone delete deactivate everything go work mask every day cry sleep every single night guess knowing actually getting going work good thing last time let everything go deep wa back still sinking right also two panic attack since long antidepressant begin work typically back medication depression anxiety past week still feel like well know need advice
Don’t know how to keep going with the award system broken in my brain,"I see the brick walls where I used to see beauty. Eating no longer feels pleasurable. My hobbies make me agitated. My friends make me anxious.
The only part of my brain that still works is the fear response. 

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep going. I grew up being taught to do the right thing—and I know continuing on is the right thing—but I didn’t realize how much human sanity relied on positive emotions. We are not guided by instinct—we are guided by these emotions. Mine are directing me towards death, and I wonder why, in the most advanced on minds, this pathway exists (suicide is unique to humans even though animals kill themselves). 

You know that feeling when you get your heartbroken? I feel that everyday, but I didn’t lose someone. I lost everyone and everything. I lost life.",throaway8297338,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdyhmx/dont_know_how_to_keep_going_with_the_award_system/,see brick wall used see beauty eating longer feel pleasurable hobby make agitated friend make anxious part brain still work fear response sure much longer keep going grew taught right thing know continuing right thing realize much human sanity relied positive emotion guided instinct guided emotion mine directing towards death wonder advanced mind pathway exists suicide unique human even though animal kill know feeling get heartbroken feel everyday lose someone lost everyone everything lost life,know keep going award system broken brain,thro away 8297338,802,69,thro away 8297338 see brick wall used see beauty eating longer feel pleasurable hobby make agitated friend make anxious part brain still work fear response sure much longer keep going grew taught right thing know continuing right thing realize much human sanity relied positive emotion guided instinct guided emotion mine directing towards death wonder advanced mind pathway exists suicide unique human even though animal kill know feeling get heartbroken feel everyday lose someone lost everyone everything lost life know keep going award system broken brain
Sometimes I feel like I’m lazy and just faking it?,"I keep being told by some of my friends that I am just giving myself excuses of not doing work... I know what I should do but I really don’t know how to do any of those things even if they are seemingly easy... I’m skipping classes and work and asking for assignment extensions, and I’m honestly having a hard time just staying awake and getting out of bed.

I feel like I’m just being lazy? I’m still on meds and seeing a therapist but I sometimes wonder if I’m just faking it... I just feel so defeated because now I can’t even do basic tasks and I’m on my bed or couch all day and my best friend thinks I need to just get my ass up because I know what I should do? However I can’t do any of those things that I should do... 

Anyone in similar situations? I’m really frustrated... How do I get myself to focus and get out of bed...",nerdyanthropologist,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq1hh/sometimes_i_feel_like_im_lazy_and_just_faking_it/,keep told friend giving excuse work know really know thing even seemingly easy skipping class work asking assignment extension honestly hard time staying awake getting bed feel like lazy still med seeing therapist sometimes wonder faking feel defeated even basic task bed couch day best friend think need get know however thing anyone similar situation really frustrated get focus get bed,sometimes feel like lazy faking,nerdy anthropologist,834,50,nerdy anthropologist keep told friend giving excuse work know really know thing even seemingly easy skipping class work asking assignment extension honestly hard time staying awake getting bed feel like lazy still med seeing therapist sometimes wonder faking feel defeated even basic task bed couch day best friend think need get know however thing anyone similar situation really frustrated get focus get bed sometimes feel like lazy faking
Advice for a significant other of someone with depression,"I have been dating my bf for about 4 months so the relationship is fairly new. Yesterday we were supposed to hangout but he stood me up and texted at 11pm saying he overslept. He told me that we needed to talk about something tomorrow and when I asked if he could give me a topic just so I am not so worried he said it was about his depression. 

We have never discussed depression before however my ex also struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts throughout our 3yr relationship. I always did my best to be loving and supportive to my ex but I also felt like I didn’t know the best things to say. I have also gone through my own low points but always when I was single and extremely alone without friends or supportive family. 

People with depression: is there anything your significant others have said that made you feel like they understood you and had your back? Anything you wish they had said to you?",redheadriveter,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdye5c/advice_for_a_significant_other_of_someone_with/,dating bf 4 month relationship fairly new yesterday supposed hangout stood texted 11pm saying overslept told needed talk something tomorrow asked could give topic worried said wa depression never discussed depression however ex also struggled depression suicidal thought throughout 3yr relationship always best loving supportive ex also felt like know best thing say also gone low point always wa single extremely alone without friend supportive family people depression anything significant others said made feel like understood back anything wish said,advice significant someone depression,redhead rivet er,916,57,redhead rivet er dating bf 4 month relationship fairly new yesterday supposed hangout stood texted 11pm saying overslept told needed talk something tomorrow asked could give topic worried said wa depression never discussed depression however ex also struggled depression suicidal thought throughout 3yr relationship always best loving supportive ex also felt like know best thing say also gone low point always wa single extremely alone without friend supportive family people depression anything significant others said made feel like understood back anything wish said advice significant someone depression
Can you be narcissistic and depressed?,"I feel empty, but at the same time, I feel this energy trapped in a cage. I am a pile of shit, but I still feel like I am better than most. WDF?",Leading_Coast,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrprg/can_you_be_narcissistic_and_depressed/,feel empty time feel energy trapped cage pile shit still feel like better wdf,narcissistic depressed,leading coast,144,38,leading coast feel empty time feel energy trapped cage pile shit still feel like better wdf narcissistic depressed
Why does depression hit me all of a sudden?,"It's going all good, I'm feeling happy and all of a sudden I feel depressed. Idk what to do!? I am hating myself right now! Why does this happen? How do I deal with it?",noob_4327,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdv5aj/why_does_depression_hit_me_all_of_a_sudden/,going good feeling happy sudden feel depressed idk hating right doe happen deal,doe depression hit sudden,noob 4327,168,43,noob 4327 going good feeling happy sudden feel depressed idk hating right doe happen deal doe depression hit sudden
And I'm right back where I started...,"I had been doing so well for months and everything has come back full circle, if not worse. This move was supposed to be great for the both of us. More money and better opportunity for him. Getting away from all the bad stuff in our old town and new opportunities for me. But, everything is not how we would hoped it would be. Money is even tighter than before. I don't know how he's going to make his car payment, or pay for internet, or rent. Even make the trip back to see his parents this weekend. Nothing we do seems to be enough or even matter.

I am beyond stressed. I'm barely sleeping anymore, I just can't shut off my mind. All the thoughts racing back and forth in my mind of the things that I should be doing instead of sleeping. Like cleaning, finding a better job or a second job. I lay awake stressing about how to help more when I feel like everything I do now isn't enough, and I'm just waiting for everything to come crashing down. 

Yet, on the other hand, I am ANGRY. I'm angry that I'm getting no help from him. I do all the household chores amidst his claims every day of ""after work I'll come home and clean"". It's my paycheck and any extra cash I get a hold of that is immediately spent on bills because his check wasn't enough because sales were down the last month, or was spent on game passes and subscriptions for games. I was the one who drove there and back to go do his errands while he was sitting on the beach in Mexico with his friends. 

And I. Feel. Terrible. 

I'm right back to being sucked into this numbness, this darkness. All I want again is to just not wake up in the morning. To have everything just be over. The thoughts of suicide and self harm are back in full force and the only reason I haven't harmed, is because I simply don't have a razor blade in the house... 


I'm sorry this post is a mess, and I don't have anywhere else to get this off my chest. So, thank you if you stuck through it. I'm sorry.",SMallery,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdybdd/and_im_right_back_where_i_started/,well month everything ha come back full circle worse move wa supposed great u money better opportunity getting away bad stuff old town new opportunity everything would hoped would money even tighter know going make car payment pay internet rent even make trip back see parent weekend nothing seems enough even matter beyond stressed barely sleeping anymore shut mind thought racing back forth mind thing instead sleeping like cleaning finding better job second job lay awake stressing help feel like everything enough waiting everything come crashing yet hand angry angry getting help household chore amidst claim every day work come home clean paycheck extra cash get hold immediately spent bill check enough sale last month wa spent game pass subscription game wa one drove back go errand wa sitting beach mexico friend feel terrible right back sucked numbness darkness want wake morning everything thought suicide self harm back full force reason harmed simply razor blade house sorry post mess anywhere else get chest thank stuck sorry,right back started,smaller,1953,37,smaller well month everything ha come back full circle worse move wa supposed great u money better opportunity getting away bad stuff old town new opportunity everything would hoped would money even tighter know going make car payment pay internet rent even make trip back see parent weekend nothing seems enough even matter beyond stressed barely sleeping anymore shut mind thought racing back forth mind thing instead sleeping like cleaning finding better job second job lay awake stressing help feel like everything enough waiting everything come crashing yet hand angry angry getting help household chore amidst claim every day work come home clean paycheck extra cash get hold immediately spent bill check enough sale last month wa spent game pass subscription game wa one drove back go errand wa sitting beach mexico friend feel terrible right back sucked numbness darkness want wake morning everything thought suicide self harm back full force reason harmed simply razor blade house sorry post mess anywhere else get chest thank stuck sorry right back started
just wanna quit,my mind will not shut the fuck up and i cant handle it. just want to fucking die. too fucking anxious to function anymore,thiccbarbie420,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqau8/just_wanna_quit/,mind shut fuck cant handle want fucking die fucking anxious function anymore,wanna quit,th icc barbie 420,121,15,th icc barbie 420 mind shut fuck cant handle want fucking die fucking anxious function anymore wanna quit
I cut myself,"this is the first time I cut myself and it hurts. the pain snapped me back to reality and I don't know what to do... even though I thought that i was getting a little bit better. I wipe and wipe but the blood won't go away. the pain hurts, I'm not used to any kind of physical pain and I can't stop crying.

why am i like this.....",Fur-vus,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy8dh/i_cut_myself/,first time cut hurt pain snapped back reality know even though thought wa getting little bit better wipe wipe blood go away pain hurt used kind physical pain stop cry like,cut,fur v u,331,12,fur v u first time cut hurt pain snapped back reality know even though thought wa getting little bit better wipe wipe blood go away pain hurt used kind physical pain stop cry like cut
"I don't want to die, but I don't want to live anymore","I feel like people don't understand the fact that being suicidal is not all about ""wanting to die"". I don't want to die, I just want the pain I'm causing to myself and those around me by being a burden to end and dying seems like the most relevant solution as most of the other stuff I have tried has failed. I think that's why I oversleep a lot, that way I'm not really living, its like temporary death, death without commitment. I don't even know what I'm talking about I guess I just want the pain to end.",thathumbletrashcan,33,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdcqxp/i_dont_want_to_die_but_i_dont_want_to_live_anymore/,feel like people understand fact suicidal wanting die want die want pain causing around burden end dying seems like relevant solution stuff tried ha failed think oversleep lot way really living like temporary death death without commitment even know talking guess want pain end,want die want live anymore,humble trashcan,508,53,humble trashcan feel like people understand fact suicidal wanting die want die want pain causing around burden end dying seems like relevant solution stuff tried ha failed think oversleep lot way really living like temporary death death without commitment even know talking guess want pain end want die want live anymore
I don't know what to do,"Hi guys,

it is the first time that I write on this sub and it is also one of my first posts but honestly I feel myself sinking and maybe writing about it will help me. By the way I'm Italian so forgive me in advance for my English.

I'm a 20M and I've been suffering depression for 5 years now, before I thought it was adolescent sadness and I have never given it too much weight. But after two path of psychoanalysis with two different psychotherapists I was diagnosed the ""thing"".

I'm struggling every day with suicidal thoughts and the situation is going worst cause the situation in my home is terrible, I live with my grandma (who also suffers of depression and take Xanax and prozac every day) my mother who is a strong career woman but she uses me as her personal therapist since I remember and my little brother who is my only light in this house. My father works in another city and I don't see him that much. In the last six month my father said to my mother he don't love anymore her and there is another woman. I don't judge him, who am I to do it? But now I've always my mum emotionally destroyed that reach for my help, but I don't know how to help her and more the time goes on more I can't talk with my dad normally.

I tried to escape from this situation in October moving away in another city, I thought I need to live alone and away from that house, but the depression strikes hard on me and I had to return in my original home to afford to return in therapy.

Currently the situation is becoming uncontrollable, even my friends have noticed it, I've always been very good at hiding my problems, and one of the last evenings they have made me a sort of intervention for my drinking problem. I honestly reveal them that I don't have suicidal thoughts only when I drink.

I hate my self so much, I'm known in my city for my drunken adventures and I don't like it but the thought of stop drinking kills me.

I don't know what to do, I don't see a light at the bottom of the tunnel.",viviverde,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdv0p4/i_dont_know_what_to_do/,hi guy first time write sub also one first post honestly feel sinking maybe writing help way italian forgive advance english 20m suffering depression 5 year thought wa adolescent sadness never given much weight two path psychoanalysis two different psychotherapist wa diagnosed thing struggling every day suicidal thought situation going worst cause situation home terrible live grandma also suffers depression take xanax prozac every day mother strong career woman us personal therapist since remember little brother light house father work another city see much last six month father said mother love anymore another woman judge always mum emotionally destroyed reach help know help time go talk dad normally tried escape situation october moving away another city thought need live alone away house depression strike hard return original home afford return therapy currently situation becoming uncontrollable even friend noticed always good hiding problem one last evening made sort intervention drinking problem honestly reveal suicidal thought drink hate self much known city drunken adventure like thought stop drinking kill know see light bottom tunnel,know,viv verde,1999,23,viv verde hi guy first time write sub also one first post honestly feel sinking maybe writing help way italian forgive advance english 20m suffering depression 5 year thought wa adolescent sadness never given much weight two path psychoanalysis two different psychotherapist wa diagnosed thing struggling every day suicidal thought situation going worst cause situation home terrible live grandma also suffers depression take xanax prozac every day mother strong career woman us personal therapist since remember little brother light house father work another city see much last six month father said mother love anymore another woman judge always mum emotionally destroyed reach help know help time go talk dad normally tried escape situation october moving away another city thought need live alone away house depression strike hard return original home afford return therapy currently situation becoming uncontrollable even friend noticed always good hiding problem one last evening made sort intervention drinking problem honestly reveal suicidal thought drink hate self much known city drunken adventure like thought stop drinking kill know see light bottom tunnel know
My fiance passed away on the 27th. It's been a week and it hasn't gotten any better.,"I don't know what to say anymore. All the meaning in my life has felt like it left with her. The funeral is today.

​

Edit 1: Thank you for the encouragement. I don't expect to really ever get over it, to be honest. I feel like the best I can do is just mask it better with time.",thisisathrowaway0729,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy25s/my_fiance_passed_away_on_the_27th_its_been_a_week/,know say anymore meaning life ha felt like left funeral today amp x200b edit 1 thank encouragement expect really ever get honest feel like best mask better time,fiance passed away 27th week gotten better,throwaway 0729,291,84,throwaway 0729 know say anymore meaning life ha felt like left funeral today amp x200b edit 1 thank encouragement expect really ever get honest feel like best mask better time fiance passed away 27th week gotten better
Overreacting VS social isolation,"I really do not understand why I am isolated for ""coming across"" a certain way. People will judge you based off your innate defense mechanisms, but then the next day, it's like when I hit reset and try again to get to know someone, I can't. I'm a permanent smear of my mistakes. (I'm human, others aren't I guess?) I guess depression has made me ""unapproachable"". Which I don't grasp, because I am constantly in the presence of people who treat me like dirt (which obviously puts me in the offensive).

A lot of people around me also get defended by their friends when they face trials, I.E. ""they're having a hard time, just try to understand them"".  But I get told to change. As if I don't deal with my own? It makes no sense.

Does anyone else do this? Face isolation because people misunderstand their emotional turmoil? This has caused me great hardship, stress, and mental breakdown. It'd be nice to feel normal. 

Thank you for reading.",TabbyWabby_0016,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy25b/overreacting_vs_social_isolation/,really understand isolated coming across certain way people judge based innate defense mechanism next day like hit reset try get know someone permanent smear mistake human others guess guess depression ha made unapproachable grasp constantly presence people treat like dirt obviously put offensive lot people around also get defended friend face trial e hard time try understand get told change deal make sense doe anyone else face isolation people misunderstand emotional turmoil ha caused great hardship stress mental breakdown nice feel normal thank reading,overreacting v social isolation,tabby w abby 0016,943,32,tabby w abby 0016 really understand isolated coming across certain way people judge based innate defense mechanism next day like hit reset try get know someone permanent smear mistake human others guess guess depression ha made unapproachable grasp constantly presence people treat like dirt obviously put offensive lot people around also get defended friend face trial e hard time try understand get told change deal make sense doe anyone else face isolation people misunderstand emotional turmoil ha caused great hardship stress mental breakdown nice feel normal thank reading overreacting v social isolation
I have a stutter and it makes me feel hopeless...,"I have a stutter and after learning that I wont grow out of it, I feel as if I would never achieve my dreams due go my lack of ability to fluently speak. It's making me feel worthless. I know that I will never get a girlfriend because of it and it just makes me feel like shit.",GizmoSlit,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdy1vw/i_have_a_stutter_and_it_makes_me_feel_hopeless/,stutter learning wont grow feel would never achieve dream due go lack ability fluently speak making feel worthless know never get girlfriend make feel like shit,stutter make feel hopeless,gizmo lit,277,49,gizmo lit stutter learning wont grow feel would never achieve dream due go lack ability fluently speak making feel worthless know never get girlfriend make feel like shit stutter make feel hopeless
"If you never had a crush, be grateful","It's the worst catalyst to depression. Period. Remember all your problems? Now they are amplified. They feel worse because you feel like you have an escape in love but you don't and you never will. You start fantasizing over and over about the ""salvation"" of your life, the only source of possible happiness that you can imagine, and the more time passes the worse it gets. It hurts and it ruins your head it's either suicide or find salvation in that person. I've never hurt this much over fucking fiction. This person as I know it is in my head. I am in love with a person I created, I don't even know this person, just her exterior, yet I feel like I'm close to this person and it hurts not imagining a fake relationship. It hurts so fucking bad it feels good to think abandoning this world. No regrets. Why?
I am doing a favor to my crush and myself. Yet it still hurts I can't fall asleep. How does this make any sense? How strong is fictional love? Who is making me feel like this? I want to escape this hell. I already have crippling thoughts about my future and this just keeps coming up to me and it's so bad. So so bad. I feel like I'm one step from being pulled into the underworld away from everything, where I will be the king of my lonely world.",aresthwg,20,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdk86s/if_you_never_had_a_crush_be_grateful/,worst catalyst depression period remember problem amplified feel worse feel like escape love never start fantasizing salvation life source possible happiness imagine time pass worse get hurt ruin head either suicide find salvation person never hurt much fucking fiction person know head love person created even know person exterior yet feel like close person hurt imagining fake relationship hurt fucking bad feel good think abandoning world regret favor crush yet still hurt fall asleep doe make sense strong fictional love making feel like want escape hell already crippling thought future keep coming bad bad feel like one step pulled underworld away everything king lonely world,never crush grateful,th wg,1259,37,th wg worst catalyst depression period remember problem amplified feel worse feel like escape love never start fantasizing salvation life source possible happiness imagine time pass worse get hurt ruin head either suicide find salvation person never hurt much fucking fiction person know head love person created even know person exterior yet feel like close person hurt imagining fake relationship hurt fucking bad feel good think abandoning world regret favor crush yet still hurt fall asleep doe make sense strong fictional love making feel like want escape hell already crippling thought future keep coming bad bad feel like one step pulled underworld away everything king lonely world never crush grateful
being an ugly girl is the worst life outcome,"I’m so fucking mad at my mom for marrying an ugly
Guy (my dad). I have no jawline or cheekbones and my body proportions are Terrible. Every time I see other women getting hit on I want to kill myself because I know I’ll never have what they do. This is so unfair. Women are expected to charm men and be pretty but I’m awkward, mousy, kind of stupid and am too depressed to have any interests. I hope I go to sleep and don’t wake up tomorrow.",toddhowardshrine,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds13j/being_an_ugly_girl_is_the_worst_life_outcome/,fucking mad mom marrying ugly guy dad jawline cheekbone body proportion terrible every time see woman getting hit want kill know never unfair woman expected charm men pretty awkward mousy kind stupid depressed interest hope go sleep wake tomorrow,ugly girl worst life outcome,todd howard shrine,441,44,todd howard shrine fucking mad mom marrying ugly guy dad jawline cheekbone body proportion terrible every time see woman getting hit want kill know never unfair woman expected charm men pretty awkward mousy kind stupid depressed interest hope go sleep wake tomorrow ugly girl worst life outcome
I’m so fucked,"I don’t talk to any of my friends I leave them on read for months, makes me feel like absolute dog shit. I’ve failed multiple classes and this semester I only have 6 credit hours, still well on the way to failing. I can’t get out of bed much less actually do class work. I’m probably gonna end up dropping out of college I don’t know what I would do after, I really wish something would just kill me. I’m surrounded by so many caring people but I just push them all away, soon I’ll end up alone and that’s what I deserve. I’ve tried so fucking hard to get better it doesn’t do anything. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I’ve had such a perfect life anyone else in my shoes would be so successful and happy then there’s me just rotting away in my bed for literally no god damn reason. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.",Joethegodd,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrgua/im_so_fucked/,talk friend leave read month make feel like absolute dog shit failed multiple class semester 6 credit hour still well way failing get bed much le actually class work probably gonna end dropping college know would really wish something would kill surrounded many caring people push away soon end alone deserve tried fucking hard get better anything nothing make happy anymore perfect life anyone else shoe would successful happy rotting away bed literally god damn reason want fall asleep never wake,fucked,joe god,828,13,joe god talk friend leave read month make feel like absolute dog shit failed multiple class semester 6 credit hour still well way failing get bed much le actually class work probably gonna end dropping college know would really wish something would kill surrounded many caring people push away soon end alone deserve tried fucking hard get better anything nothing make happy anymore perfect life anyone else shoe would successful happy rotting away bed literally god damn reason want fall asleep never wake fucked
Wondering late at night,"It is midnight and I cannot sleep again. I cannot remember the last time I slept through the night. I sleep in tiny spurts throughout the day but can never stay down for long. I often have nightmares even when I do stay sleeping for some time.

The other night, for example, I woke up screaming. I had been dreaming that I was eating a bowl of cereal and looked down and my spoon was covered in spiders. I actually like spiders so I am not sure why it scared me so bad. My husband reached over and held my hand and shushed me until I calmed down. It seems like he is too good to me always. I feel like I don't deserve it.

Tonight I looked outside the window at the world as I often do throughout the day. I thought to myself: the people that I have met, all of them, all of the people I have come across... does anyone of them ever think of me? Ever? Do they ever wonder how I am? Even just for a second? If they did, I wish I knew, because I feel like a shadow living life alone inside my house day after day. 

At the same time I feel that I am unworthy of friendship, community, love. Today at therapy my therapist asked me my goals. I said... to have a friend and to be a part of a small community that truly cared for me. But I have never felt or experienced that. I only know what friendships and loving communities are like from observing others. I truly pity anyone who would want to befriend me, because I think I would make the worst friend.",marsupial65,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdutq4/wondering_late_at_night/,midnight cannot sleep cannot remember last time slept night sleep tiny spurt throughout day never stay long often nightmare even stay sleeping time night example woke screaming dreaming wa eating bowl cereal looked spoon wa covered spider actually like spider sure scared bad husband reached held hand shushed calmed seems like good always feel like deserve tonight looked outside window world often throughout day thought people met people come across doe anyone ever think ever ever wonder even second wish knew feel like shadow living life alone inside house day day time feel unworthy friendship community love today therapy therapist asked goal said friend part small community truly cared never felt experienced know friendship loving community like observing others truly pity anyone would want befriend think would make worst friend,wondering late night,marsupial 65,1452,23,marsupial 65 midnight cannot sleep cannot remember last time slept night sleep tiny spurt throughout day never stay long often nightmare even stay sleeping time night example woke screaming dreaming wa eating bowl cereal looked spoon wa covered spider actually like spider sure scared bad husband reached held hand shushed calmed seems like good always feel like deserve tonight looked outside window world often throughout day thought people met people come across doe anyone ever think ever ever wonder even second wish knew feel like shadow living life alone inside house day day time feel unworthy friendship community love today therapy therapist asked goal said friend part small community truly cared never felt experienced know friendship loving community like observing others truly pity anyone would want befriend think would make worst friend wondering late night
wtf,what is with the assholes on here telling people to kill themselves or that their worthless. I though this was a get help sub and theres a bunch of shot stains  ruining and possibly ending lives on here,lil_drummer_boi99,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxv21/wtf/,asshole telling people kill worthless though wa get help sub bunch shot stain ruining possibly ending life,wtf,lil drummer boi 99,202,3,lil drummer boi 99 asshole telling people kill worthless though wa get help sub bunch shot stain ruining possibly ending life wtf
Does it really get better?,"I'm so tired of the rollercoaster ride of this mental illness. I know i have come a long way, but the depression and anxiety is always in the back talking to me. At times I want to give up because I'm so tired of facking and fighting the demons in my head. I try so hard to stay positive, but at the end of the day those emotions come back telling myself that it's not worth it.",Erika3Clark,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtdgi/does_it_really_get_better/,tired rollercoaster ride mental illness know come long way depression anxiety always back talking time want give tired facking fighting demon head try hard stay positive end day emotion come back telling worth,doe really get better,erika 3 clark,378,26,erika 3 clark tired rollercoaster ride mental illness know come long way depression anxiety always back talking time want give tired facking fighting demon head try hard stay positive end day emotion come back telling worth doe really get better
How do you cope with fatigue?,"I'm always tired, my concentration and memory got worse, what did you do to get better? I'm taking 20 mg lexapro but seems it doesn't work for that, generic wellbutrin 150 mg too, i was exhausted even before taking medications... i wake up unrefreshed every fucking day, it's a nightmare, chronic headache and backache as well every day",Darknus96,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxq5x/how_do_you_cope_with_fatigue/,always tired concentration memory got worse get better taking 20 mg lexapro seems work generic wellbutrin 150 mg wa exhausted even taking medication wake unrefreshed every fucking day nightmare chronic headache backache well every day,cope fatigue,dark nu 96,336,29,dark nu 96 always tired concentration memory got worse get better taking 20 mg lexapro seems work generic wellbutrin 150 mg wa exhausted even taking medication wake unrefreshed every fucking day nightmare chronic headache backache well every day cope fatigue
Something is wrong with me,"I'm not one to reach out to strangers for help but something is wrong with me. I've felt empty for a long time now but I always contributed that to a lack of motivation.

 I fill this void so to speak with temporary pleasures like women, sex, working out regularly, and winning in games but they're all just distractions

Today I woke up and I was just sad and I don't even know why. I'm usually able to hold such feelings back but I woke up at 3am in the morning after going to bed a almost 1am. I was absurdly hungry and made some eggs and I just started crying. I just sat there eating these damn eggs with tears streaming down my face. There wasn't even anything wrong, I shouldn't be sad and yet I feel lower than I ever have. I've got a good family, plenty of friends, a job that is adequate for the time being, and I'm reasonably good looking to my knowledge but it's never enough. No matter how much I improve physically, no matter how much I win at DBFZ, no matter how many woman say I'm hot at the end of the day I still just feel empty.
Now I'm not here claiming to be depressed without even seeing a doctor but I don't like this. It seems like the only time I'm happy is when I'm in a relationship, but needing to constantly use a girl as a crutch to justify my existence isn't much better than being miserable by myself. I don't even enjoy life anymore I'm just going through the motions because I have to.

I don't know what to do and it frustrates me. I'm by no means suicidal but I'm tired of feeling tired. Every morning I wake up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep and lay there doing nothing. I feel useless and undesirable, I go on tinder and maybe I'll have a match or two but they just bore me with their monotonous bios and questions. It's not like I'm on there being toxic I do my best to make conversation but the thoughtless, close ended responses these girls send me annoy me and I just drop them.

I just want to feel content but I'm not even sure if I remember how. I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way. what did you guys/girls do to fill this hole I guess.",Yeetimus-Pr1m3,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtam4/something_is_wrong_with_me/,one reach stranger help something wrong felt empty long time always contributed lack motivation fill void speak temporary pleasure like woman sex working regularly winning game distraction today woke wa sad even know usually able hold feeling back woke 3am morning going bed almost 1am wa absurdly hungry made egg started cry sat eating damn egg tear streaming face even anything wrong sad yet feel lower ever got good family plenty friend job adequate time reasonably good looking knowledge never enough matter much improve physically matter much win dbfz matter many woman say hot end day still feel empty claiming depressed without even seeing doctor like seems like time happy relationship needing constantly use girl crutch justify existence much better miserable even enjoy life anymore going motion know frustrates mean suicidal tired feeling tired every morning wake 3 4 hour sleep lay nothing feel useless undesirable go tinder maybe match two bore monotonous bios question like toxic best make conversation thoughtless close ended response girl send annoy drop want feel content even sure remember know one ever felt way guy girl fill hole guess,something wrong,yee tim u pr 1 3,2095,26,yee tim u pr 1 3 one reach stranger help something wrong felt empty long time always contributed lack motivation fill void speak temporary pleasure like woman sex working regularly winning game distraction today woke wa sad even know usually able hold feeling back woke 3am morning going bed almost 1am wa absurdly hungry made egg started cry sat eating damn egg tear streaming face even anything wrong sad yet feel lower ever got good family plenty friend job adequate time reasonably good looking knowledge never enough matter much improve physically matter much win dbfz matter many woman say hot end day still feel empty claiming depressed without even seeing doctor like seems like time happy relationship needing constantly use girl crutch justify existence much better miserable even enjoy life anymore going motion know frustrates mean suicidal tired feeling tired every morning wake 3 4 hour sleep lay nothing feel useless undesirable go tinder maybe match two bore monotonous bios question like toxic best make conversation thoughtless close ended response girl send annoy drop want feel content even sure remember know one ever felt way guy girl fill hole guess something wrong
Won battle,How did you win with depression?,justguylol,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxlth/won_battle/,win depression,battle,guy lol,32,10,guy lol win depression battle
"Was suggested rTMS by my psychiatrist, need advice urgently, treatment starts Monday.","I have severe severe depression, high magnitude of anxiety, neurotic personality and obsessive thinking.

Is this treatment appropriate and normal? 
Total  sessions: 10 days
Sessions per day: 2 
15 mins each session with one hour gap in between.


I’m not on any medication at the moment.
I was on fludacs for a while. 

Also my psychiatrist wrote something like - “D L P F C” what does this mean?",illbetheillest,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdta5k/was_suggested_rtms_by_my_psychiatrist_need_advice/,severe severe depression high magnitude anxiety neurotic personality obsessive thinking treatment appropriate normal total session 10 day session per day 2 15 min session one hour gap medication moment wa fludacs also psychiatrist wrote something like l p f c doe mean,wa suggested rtms psychiatrist need advice urgently treatment start monday,ill ill est,397,85,ill ill est severe severe depression high magnitude anxiety neurotic personality obsessive thinking treatment appropriate normal total session 10 day session per day 2 15 min session one hour gap medication moment wa fludacs also psychiatrist wrote something like l p f c doe mean wa suggested rtms psychiatrist need advice urgently treatment start monday
Progression of my depression.,My suicidal thoughts have gone from not serious to something I fantasize about. It actually makes me feel better to think about it because I want it so bad. I’m just to big of a pussy to actually do it. Anyone’s 2 cents is valuable to me. Have a happy moment today :),pfogz,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdt9ms/progression_of_my_depression/,suicidal thought gone serious something fantasize actually make feel better think want bad big pussy actually anyone 2 cent valuable happy moment today,progression depression,p fog z,267,29,p fog z suicidal thought gone serious something fantasize actually make feel better think want bad big pussy actually anyone 2 cent valuable happy moment today progression depression
I have been almost cut free for a year but last night I broke down and did it again and now I feel terrible.,It’s finals time in school. I’ve been more stressed out then usual and my meds don’t seem to work. Last night it just got to much to handle and I cut myself it felt good during the moment but now I feel terrible. I was doing so good I was almost a year cut free. I’m worried that my parents might mind out now and I’ll have to have a talk with them. Why did I make such a stupid decision I hate myself for this.,littlebois,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxka4/i_have_been_almost_cut_free_for_a_year_but_last/,final time school stressed usual med seem work last night got much handle cut felt good moment feel terrible wa good wa almost year cut free worried parent might mind talk make stupid decision hate,almost cut free year last night broke feel terrible,little bois,411,108,little bois final time school stressed usual med seem work last night got much handle cut felt good moment feel terrible wa good wa almost year cut free worried parent might mind talk make stupid decision hate almost cut free year last night broke feel terrible
Antidepressants are all placebos.,"I’m convinced that antidepressants don’t do shit. I’ve been on bupropion, sertraline, risperidone and citalopram. None of them feel like they do anything. From the day I started taking them, I never felt the slightest effect. No dizziness, sleepiness, wooziness, grogginess, horniness, happiness, sadness, gassiness or any other ness. Nothing to indicate that they work. They’re placebos meant to trick people into thinking they’re working.",thebus01,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq58n/antidepressants_are_all_placebos/,convinced antidepressant shit bupropion sertraline risperidone citalopram none feel like anything day started taking never felt slightest effect dizziness sleepiness wooziness grogginess horniness happiness sadness gassiness ness nothing indicate work placebo meant trick people thinking working,antidepressant placebo,bus 01,440,33,bus 01 convinced antidepressant shit bupropion sertraline risperidone citalopram none feel like anything day started taking never felt slightest effect dizziness sleepiness wooziness grogginess horniness happiness sadness gassiness ness nothing indicate work placebo meant trick people thinking working antidepressant placebo
Another attempt,Next week. Hopefully I don't survive,prolltdeadinside,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdxgoh/another_attempt/,next week hopefully survive,another attempt,p roll dead inside,36,15,p roll dead inside next week hopefully survive another attempt
depression really robs you the enjoyment from doing the things you love,"My sadness has been dragging me for weeks and today, I'm too lazy to do the things I normally do. Even the things that I want to do. I wasn't able to go to school today because it was really hard to get out of my bed. I'm not even in the mood to play games. Every minor thing that bums me out affects me drastically.

I haven't tried going to the hospital regarding my mental health and I am not sure if this is all just in my head or I really have depression.",sadkomaeda,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsdjz/depression_really_robs_you_the_enjoyment_from/,sadness ha dragging week today lazy thing normally even thing want able go school today wa really hard get bed even mood play game every minor thing bum affect drastically tried going hospital regarding mental health sure head really depression,depression really robs enjoyment thing love,sadko maeda,460,71,sadko maeda sadness ha dragging week today lazy thing normally even thing want able go school today wa really hard get bed even mood play game every minor thing bum affect drastically tried going hospital regarding mental health sure head really depression depression really robs enjoyment thing love
Lashing out at people for no reason.,"Idk I'm really struggling with my emotions this last month or so, I get really angry over the dumbest things, just had a fist fight with my brother over a little arguement

, severing ties with my friends over small things. 

starting to hear people whispering about me all the fucking time, and I just want to die all the fucking time, making stupid descisions and not caring about the consequences. And justifying it by saying I'll just die tommorow if I get caught. Help.",39Seconds,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdt63j/lashing_out_at_people_for_no_reason/,idk really struggling emotion last month get really angry dumbest thing fist fight brother little arguement severing tie friend small thing starting hear people whispering fucking time want die fucking time making stupid descisions caring consequence justifying saying die tommorow get caught help,lashing people reason,39 second,474,36,39 second idk really struggling emotion last month get really angry dumbest thing fist fight brother little arguement severing tie friend small thing starting hear people whispering fucking time want die fucking time making stupid descisions caring consequence justifying saying die tommorow get caught help lashing people reason
Today the people in my class didn't sit beside me and preferred to go all the way to the back of the class instead of sitting in the row where I was on :) :) :) :),Now at lunch the only person that didn't have an activity planned with the school(just like me) left class leaving me alone again :) :). I love being worthless XD XD XD,jackross1303,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdue6t/today_the_people_in_my_class_didnt_sit_beside_me/,lunch person activity planned school like left class leaving alone love worthless xd xd xd,today people class sit beside preferred go way back class instead sitting row wa,jack ross 1303,168,163,jack ross 1303 lunch person activity planned school like left class leaving alone love worthless xd xd xd today people class sit beside preferred go way back class instead sitting row wa
Depression turning to anger and envy,"I used to have such a passive stance... I had this ""I don't care"" attitude obviously I was sad but I was kinda calm... Now after doing some stuff for myself got a little back to my feet I still feel sad but what changed is when something bad that I don't deserve happens I get so mad, when someone wrongs me I want to punch the shit out of him, when someone gets something that I deserve I get so frustrated to the point of crying in front of everyone... I AM A MAN FFS. To sum up the problem is that when I had given up on life everything seemed so ok and calm and now that I am putting effort into making my life better I cannot fucking control my emotions... I am like a fucking volcano, crying at ""random"" times, yelling out of nowhere, punching walls etc. Has anyone been through a similar situation?",godblessed98,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdt4ie/depression_turning_to_anger_and_envy/,used passive stance care attitude obviously wa sad wa kinda calm stuff got little back foot still feel sad changed something bad deserve happens get mad someone wrong want punch shit someone get something deserve get frustrated point cry front everyone man ffs sum problem given life everything seemed ok calm putting effort making life better cannot fucking control emotion like fucking volcano cry random time yelling nowhere punching wall etc ha anyone similar situation,depression turning anger envy,god blessed 98,805,36,god blessed 98 used passive stance care attitude obviously wa sad wa kinda calm stuff got little back foot still feel sad changed something bad deserve happens get mad someone wrong want punch shit someone get something deserve get frustrated point cry front everyone man ffs sum problem given life everything seemed ok calm putting effort making life better cannot fucking control emotion like fucking volcano cry random time yelling nowhere punching wall etc ha anyone similar situation depression turning anger envy
Give me one good reason. I dare you.,"Give me one good reason I should not kill myself right now. The whole world is going to shit and no one can change that. The only people that could help refuse to. The world will never be a good place, it will always be on the brink. Everyone always says to just look on the bright side, but what is the point? For every good thing you could say, I could name off 3 bad things. Why shouldn’t I just end it right now and save myself the trouble. Everyone dies eventually, there is no point in being afraid of the inevitable. I house I can’t afford will be underwater anyways, if were not all dead by the time I need one. Everyone always says that I shouldn’t kill myself because people would be sad. Welp, I’m not a good person. I’m selfish, rude, hopeless, and just annoying in general. As is everyone. To me there is no point in prolonging the inevitable. So please if you have a good actual answer that is not just “some people would be inconvenienced” than please tell me.",Epstein-did-not-kill,21,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpkhw/give_me_one_good_reason_i_dare_you/,give one good reason kill right whole world going shit one change people could help refuse world never good place always brink everyone always say look bright side point every good thing could say could name 3 bad thing end right save trouble everyone dy eventually point afraid inevitable house afford underwater anyways dead time need one everyone always say kill people would sad welp good person selfish rude hopeless annoying general everyone point prolonging inevitable please good actual answer people would inconvenienced please tell,give one good reason dare,epstein kill,975,36,epstein kill give one good reason kill right whole world going shit one change people could help refuse world never good place always brink everyone always say look bright side point every good thing could say could name 3 bad thing end right save trouble everyone dy eventually point afraid inevitable house afford underwater anyways dead time need one everyone always say kill people would sad welp good person selfish rude hopeless annoying general everyone point prolonging inevitable please good actual answer people would inconvenienced please tell give one good reason dare
Life is killing me.,"I don’t feel like my life is not worth living at all. People tell me I have my life set since I’m only 16. But I just don’t know. School is confusing and I’m scared if I don’t pass and I’m not going to have my life set. Everyone gets mad at me in my family because I’m not a typical Mormon. I thought that life is something that you control, not life controlling you.",Isabella12345678910,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsb41/life_is_killing_me/,feel like life worth living people tell life set since 16 know school confusing scared pas going life set everyone get mad family typical mormon thought life something control life controlling,life killing,isabella 12345678910,367,19,isabella 12345678910 feel like life worth living people tell life set since 16 know school confusing scared pas going life set everyone get mad family typical mormon thought life something control life controlling life killing
Serious question,"I feel like sometimes I did things that I am not even aware of, as if I had a other personality or just the simple fact that I do things without being aware of what wrong I could have done, or how it was wrong.

Mostly I think I am saying ""normal"" stuff. Depending of course on the point of view of each person... I have hear and have seen way worst but most of the times those people get free passes... Whatever

If by any chance you experienced the same or know something on the matter",noideaofname,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdudkc/serious_question/,feel like sometimes thing even aware personality simple fact thing without aware wrong could done wa wrong mostly think saying normal stuff depending course point view person hear seen way worst time people get free pass whatever chance experienced know something matter,serious question,idea name,487,16,idea name feel like sometimes thing even aware personality simple fact thing without aware wrong could done wa wrong mostly think saying normal stuff depending course point view person hear seen way worst time people get free pass whatever chance experienced know something matter serious question
"URGENT PLEASE RESPOND: those of you that are taking antidepressants, are you still depressed? What was your experience?",Please answer. I have to make up my mind tonight because this is the only night I’m considering antidepressants,zn07,11,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpjyp/urgent_please_respond_those_of_you_that_are/,please answer make mind tonight night considering antidepressant,urgent please respond taking antidepressant still depressed wa experience,zn 07,111,119,zn 07 please answer make mind tonight night considering antidepressant urgent please respond taking antidepressant still depressed wa experience
I feel so lonely at uni and it’s probably all my fault. I want to sleep forever.,"I wish I felt better at one of the top art universities but I am very isolated and feel unwanted. It’s probably because I’m shy but I did try a lot to be polite and make friends at the start.

I don’t know what it is. There’s loud people in my class and I guess my voice just doesn’t get heard within that. So I kind of gave up?. There’s like 11 students. 

I wish I felt more equal to everyone in my class but I don’t. Also it always seems like a competition every project, who’s the best. I guess it’s just getting me down a bit :(",thegoldengarden,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdx90d/i_feel_so_lonely_at_uni_and_its_probably_all_my/,wish felt better one top art university isolated feel unwanted probably shy try lot polite make friend start know loud people class guess voice get heard within kind gave like 11 student wish felt equal everyone class also always seems like competition every project best guess getting bit,feel lonely uni probably fault want sleep forever,golden garden,533,80,golden garden wish felt better one top art university isolated feel unwanted probably shy try lot polite make friend start know loud people class guess voice get heard within kind gave like 11 student wish felt equal everyone class also always seems like competition every project best guess getting bit feel lonely uni probably fault want sleep forever
Your typical normie trash with depression. :):,"I can't even tell when it all started, my memory has been very fuzzy past few months.So let's say 3-5 Weeks ago I *think* I feel in love for first time, I was 19. She has boyfriend so I don't even want to see her. But there was huge problem for me every time i thought about love or something similar i wanted to puke, no joke I almost puked way too many times, but after few days life became normal like usual.

Now i'm 20, after my hb I just stopped caring, I was really good student didn't even skipped school. But now I haven't been to school for 1,5 weeks. And the puking is coming back for no reason, but not as strong as it was. I feel like I lost motivation, fun and how to smile, getting worse vision, it's hard to concentrate on one thing. I'am getting easily exhausted, walking  2x slower than I usually did. I'm oversleeping no matter if i go to bed early, I still oversleep school. Also I'm listening to the one song like crazy obsessed, because it puts me at ease for some reason, even when i met up with my friends I still listen to the same song. Even when I'm going to sleep I listen to the same music. Don't know if it helps me or does it makes it worse. I started smoking 1 pack of cigs in a day,  usually 1 pack of cigs lasted about 4-5days.

I feel emotionally unstable, like my eyes get teary for no reason.  


I think I have fever lately, and don't understand if it's hot outside or cold. 

Lately i been thinking it would be nice to not feel anything, like lock all the feelings, emotions. And have peace. If u know how to lock emotions tell me ;3

I have suicidal thoughts, bcz i'm ur typical normie but i'm hanging there by small thread, I don't have courage to do something to my body.

I don't even know why tf i'm writing here. Oh, I think I know why am I writing here. Wanna be my friend? that could backstab so it would help cut that tiny thread, or ignore this post like usually i'm ignored which would put more weight and that thread wouldn't be able to support the weight.

I had ""depression"" 1-2 years ago, talked to my bestfriend made it better and it was gone not long after that. but that was like lvl 1, now i feel like it's lvl 5. Oh u say talk to my bf agian, but last night when I went to him I was afraid to show my back, when he let me go first inside.

I don't wanna see any doctors, because if i actually had depression then it would only make it worse. (like totally im not afraid of seeing docs... I wouldn't even know where to go)

I hope somebody helps to get rid of that thread. TY.

:):",einarux,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdx8rs/your_typical_normie_trash_with_depression/,even tell started memory ha fuzzy past month let say 3 5 week ago think feel love first time wa 19 ha boyfriend even want see wa huge problem every time thought love something similar wanted puke joke almost puked way many time day life became normal like usual 20 hb stopped caring wa really good student even skipped school school 1 5 week puking coming back reason strong wa feel like lost motivation fun smile getting worse vision hard concentrate one thing getting easily exhausted walking 2x slower usually oversleeping matter go bed early still oversleep school also listening one song like crazy obsessed put ease reason even met friend still listen song even going sleep listen music know help doe make worse started smoking 1 pack cigs day usually 1 pack cigs lasted 4 5days feel emotionally unstable like eye get teary reason think fever lately understand hot outside cold lately thinking would nice feel anything like lock feeling emotion peace u know lock emotion tell 3 suicidal thought bcz ur typical normie hanging small thread courage something body even know tf writing oh think know writing wanna friend could backstab would help cut tiny thread ignore post like usually ignored would put weight thread able support weight depression 1 2 year ago talked bestfriend made better wa gone long wa like lvl 1 feel like lvl 5 oh u say talk bf agian last night went wa afraid show back let go first inside wanna see doctor actually depression would make worse like totally im afraid seeing doc even know go hope somebody help get rid thread ty,typical normie trash depression,e aru x,2539,46,e aru x even tell started memory ha fuzzy past month let say 3 5 week ago think feel love first time wa 19 ha boyfriend even want see wa huge problem every time thought love something similar wanted puke joke almost puked way many time day life became normal like usual 20 hb stopped caring wa really good student even skipped school school 1 5 week puking coming back reason strong wa feel like lost motivation fun smile getting worse vision hard concentrate one thing getting easily exhausted walking 2x slower usually oversleeping matter go bed early still oversleep school also listening one song like crazy obsessed put ease reason even met friend still listen song even going sleep listen music know help doe make worse started smoking 1 pack cigs day usually 1 pack cigs lasted 4 5days feel emotionally unstable like eye get teary reason think fever lately understand hot outside cold lately thinking would nice feel anything like lock feeling emotion peace u know lock emotion tell 3 suicidal thought bcz ur typical normie hanging small thread courage something body even know tf writing oh think know writing wanna friend could backstab would help cut tiny thread ignore post like usually ignored would put weight thread able support weight depression 1 2 year ago talked bestfriend made better wa gone long wa like lvl 1 feel like lvl 5 oh u say talk bf agian last night went wa afraid show back let go first inside wanna see doctor actually depression would make worse like totally im afraid seeing doc even know go hope somebody help get rid thread ty typical normie trash depression
"I’m having a personal crisis so I’m gonna write to the Internet, hey welcome to my ted talk . 👋🏼","I hate my life so much I question why I’m even here sometimes , like what’s the mandatory policy to life? which way should you go? well when ur born everyone tells you the ideal path in life. Go to school, Get a job, Settle down, Start a Family and so on ... well I’m a fucking piece of shit and already started fucking up my whole life and I wanna take it back I mean for god sake I don’t even have someone I can express this crisis too I gotta go on the Internet and spill my heart out to feel content with how I’m feeling and I’m feeling fucking overwhelmed. like no one cares right? no dude, no one fucking cares and that’s when I go back to my first statement why am I here anyways? to do drugs, to have an abusive “boyfriend” that can give less of a fuck when u wake up in the middle of the night crying because you’re overthinking everything you scared yourself wide awake? Because no one should even care in the first place, but what’s a life that’s so empty no one can even comfort you? but again that’s life no ones suppose to actually give a fuck about you all you got is yourself and when you realize that it gets even more lonely. I’m to the point where I’m scared of life and don’t wanna live it but scared of what happens when it ends anyways. What if I die without really living out my full potential because I already lived it out ? was my purpose so little I didn’t even get to realize it before I died? I don’t know I just know life isn’t easy but no one said it was, it just looked that way when things were easier, when people still cared and the world seemed so curious there were a million possibilities life could take you but now you just worry away because all the people the cared are gone and now all the curiosity went away because you’ve seen all the ugly in the world and nothing looks beautiful anymore. maybe I’m just depressed and can’t ever really be happy ? I haven’t felt genuine happiness without drugs in such a long time maybe I’m defective. I don’t even think anyone cares enough to even read this much but if you did and you’re reading this thank you for hearing me out this actually helped a bit.",aphrodite-rose47,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds8vu/im_having_a_personal_crisis_so_im_gonna_write_to/,hate life much question even sometimes like mandatory policy life way go well ur born everyone tell ideal path life go school get job settle start family well fucking piece shit already started fucking whole life wanna take back mean god sake even someone express crisis gotta go internet spill heart feel content feeling feeling fucking overwhelmed like one care right dude one fucking care go back first statement anyways drug abusive boyfriend give le fuck u wake middle night cry overthinking everything scared wide awake one even care first place life empty one even comfort life one suppose actually give fuck got realize get even lonely point scared life wanna live scared happens end anyways die without really living full potential already lived wa purpose little even get realize died know know life easy one said wa looked way thing easier people still cared world seemed curious million possibility life could take worry away people cared gone curiosity went away seen ugly world nothing look beautiful anymore maybe depressed ever really happy felt genuine happiness without drug long time maybe defective even think anyone care enough even read much reading thank hearing actually helped bit,personal crisis gonna write internet hey welcome ted talk,aphrodite rose 47,2139,96,aphrodite rose 47 hate life much question even sometimes like mandatory policy life way go well ur born everyone tell ideal path life go school get job settle start family well fucking piece shit already started fucking whole life wanna take back mean god sake even someone express crisis gotta go internet spill heart feel content feeling feeling fucking overwhelmed like one care right dude one fucking care go back first statement anyways drug abusive boyfriend give le fuck u wake middle night cry overthinking everything scared wide awake one even care first place life empty one even comfort life one suppose actually give fuck got realize get even lonely point scared life wanna live scared happens end anyways die without really living full potential already lived wa purpose little even get realize died know know life easy one said wa looked way thing easier people still cared world seemed curious million possibility life could take worry away people cared gone curiosity went away seen ugly world nothing look beautiful anymore maybe depressed ever really happy felt genuine happiness without drug long time maybe defective even think anyone care enough even read much reading thank hearing actually helped bit personal crisis gonna write internet hey welcome ted talk
Not suicidal?,"I've definitely been diagnosed with depression, yet I'm not suicidal. Is this weird or what",SquidCultist002,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdx6kt/not_suicidal/,definitely diagnosed depression yet suicidal weird,suicidal,squid cult 002,91,13,squid cult 002 definitely diagnosed depression yet suicidal weird suicidal
Is there any fucking reason,"I cant stand it, I dont wanna kill myself I just really hope and pray that a car runs me the fuck over or some ribs me at gunpoint so i can ask them to just fucking shoot me. And my mother doesn't seem to get that, shes pulling the ""your depressed, I know I was depressed, I know what your going through"". Sue doesn't get it... I'm not depressed I'm fucking suicidal and I find it so god damn hard to find a singular reason to keep living in this world. I lost my job because I have no will or motivation to go to sleep or get up when I finally do. I lost my job because of this.",iitscheezy,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqysz/is_there_any_fucking_reason/,cant stand dont wanna kill really hope pray car run fuck rib gunpoint ask fucking shoot mother seem get shes pulling depressed know wa depressed know going sue get depressed fucking suicidal find god damn hard find singular reason keep living world lost job motivation go sleep get finally lost job,fucking reason,chee zy,579,27,chee zy cant stand dont wanna kill really hope pray car run fuck rib gunpoint ask fucking shoot mother seem get shes pulling depressed know wa depressed know going sue get depressed fucking suicidal find god damn hard find singular reason keep living world lost job motivation go sleep get finally lost job fucking reason
Crying when anything goes slightly wrong,"It seems like all I do is cry. I needed my cello bow re-haired so my professor sent me to an unfamiliar building and gave me instructions to drop it off at some lady’s office. I was already having a bad day because I couldn’t get myself out of bed to go to my first class. Then she tells me that she can’t accept the bow because I need to visit the website first, set up an account,  etc. At that point I start crying. It ended up working out in the end but I wish that every little thing didn’t have to make me sad.",femalememer,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdgfu1/crying_when_anything_goes_slightly_wrong/,seems like cry needed cello bow haired professor sent unfamiliar building gave instruction drop lady office wa already bad day get bed go first class tell accept bow need visit website first set account etc point start cry ended working end wish every little thing make sad,cry anything go slightly wrong,female mer,516,40,female mer seems like cry needed cello bow haired professor sent unfamiliar building gave instruction drop lady office wa already bad day get bed go first class tell accept bow need visit website first set account etc point start cry ended working end wish every little thing make sad cry anything go slightly wrong
I feel unimportant.,"Not the first time I'm going through this of course, but recently it hit really hard. Like everything. I'm feeling extremely sad and tired. I want to die. Like genuinely. I feel like my life on this earth is insignificant and useless. I'm realizing I'm not happy with myself. I try to change but no matter how much I do, I can't seem to feel happy....about anything. My friends are disappearing one by one, school is getting harder and harder by the day, my anxiety has entered its way into mind, and dark thoughts cloud over anything bright. I just can't. I want to die, but I also fear what will happen after. I'm scared that maybe in the future things will get better, but because I'm dead I'll miss out. But also keep asking myself why does that matter? And the crazy thing is...my life isn't bad. Because even if I lost a few friends in my life, I also still have a lot of good ones. I have a lovely mother that cares deeply about me. I have some kind of passion that keeps me driven. So do I feel down. Because mentality, I'm unhappy. Because my friends don't trust me to tell me important things. Because I love my mom, but I want to get back on good terms with my dad to. Because I have passions yet I can't seem to pick up the pencil and write, draw, dream.  I hate this feeling. I wish I lived in my own world personalized just for me. It would be so much easier. I look at others and wonder what it's like to be like them. What is it like to be popular, associate yourself with everyone. What is it like to have a boyfriend and experience your first kiss. What is it like to have good grades in all classes. What is it like to be normal...I just want to feel worthy. I want to feel important. I want to feel genuinely happy in my life. In all honesty, I'm just really lonely. Love from your parents are great, but love from the people around you like your friends are so much more to me. Like it's expected of parents to love their kid(s), but when a friend loves you, it means something. At least for me. I'm 9th grade, only 14. I have so many years ahead of me that I'm looking forward to. But I'm always looking back on the past and never wondering or dreaming about the future. 

God....I hate myself. I want to laugh but cry at the same time because of this rant. So many mixed emotions...

Anyway if you read till the end,thx. I know this was stupid, but hopefully you understand where I'm coming from. But this rant is so stupid. I'm sorry you read this dumb shit. *sighs*",queessi,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdx4ls/i_feel_unimportant/,first time going course recently hit really hard like everything feeling extremely sad tired want die like genuinely feel like life earth insignificant useless realizing happy try change matter much seem feel happy anything friend disappearing one one school getting harder harder day anxiety ha entered way mind dark thought cloud anything bright want die also fear happen scared maybe future thing get better dead miss also keep asking doe matter crazy thing life bad even lost friend life also still lot good one lovely mother care deeply kind passion keep driven feel mentality unhappy friend trust tell important thing love mom want get back good term dad passion yet seem pick pencil write draw dream hate feeling wish lived world personalized would much easier look others wonder like like like popular associate everyone like boyfriend experience first kiss like good grade class like normal want feel worthy want feel important want feel genuinely happy life honesty really lonely love parent great love people around like friend much like expected parent love kid friend love mean something least 9th grade 14 many year ahead looking forward always looking back past never wondering dreaming future god hate want laugh cry time rant many mixed emotion anyway read till end thx know wa stupid hopefully understand coming rant stupid sorry read dumb shit sigh,feel unimportant,que es,2490,19,que es first time going course recently hit really hard like everything feeling extremely sad tired want die like genuinely feel like life earth insignificant useless realizing happy try change matter much seem feel happy anything friend disappearing one one school getting harder harder day anxiety ha entered way mind dark thought cloud anything bright want die also fear happen scared maybe future thing get better dead miss also keep asking doe matter crazy thing life bad even lost friend life also still lot good one lovely mother care deeply kind passion keep driven feel mentality unhappy friend trust tell important thing love mom want get back good term dad passion yet seem pick pencil write draw dream hate feeling wish lived world personalized would much easier look others wonder like like like popular associate everyone like boyfriend experience first kiss like good grade class like normal want feel worthy want feel important want feel genuinely happy life honesty really lonely love parent great love people around like friend much like expected parent love kid friend love mean something least 9th grade 14 many year ahead looking forward always looking back past never wondering dreaming future god hate want laugh cry time rant many mixed emotion anyway read till end thx know wa stupid hopefully understand coming rant stupid sorry read dumb shit sigh feel unimportant
I have tried everything.,"I'm not happy, I feel alone while completely surrounded by people who love me. I read everything my boyfriend texts me the wrong way and feel as if he's constantly angry at me so i uust avoid telling him how i feel. I feel like a failure in my job, a failure with money a failure in general.
My therapy got cancelled because I missed two sessions (one because my appendix burst and the other because i had a breakdown and couldn't leave the house). I feel stagnant and unloved and stupid for thinking this way because theres no reason to why I should think like this.
Im at a loss.
I need someone to talk to, I can't outright ask for attention from anyone because then I'll be needy. I just have to keep plodding on but I cant plod on. I am trying and it is hurting me.
I wish i wasnt around anymore, I really do.
Im sorry reddit, I just needed somewhere to vent. I don't want to be a bother.
But any advice in terms of just getting eyour emotions to level out would be fab. If you've made it this far, I'm sorry for taking time out of your day for just moaning.",BeckyBooBah,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdx45c/i_have_tried_everything/,happy feel alone completely surrounded people love read everything boyfriend text wrong way feel constantly angry uust avoid telling feel feel like failure job failure money failure general therapy got cancelled missed two session one appendix burst breakdown leave house feel stagnant unloved stupid thinking way reason think like im loss need someone talk outright ask attention anyone needy keep plodding cant plod trying hurting wish wasnt around anymore really im sorry reddit needed somewhere vent want bother advice term getting eyour emotion level would fab made far sorry taking time day moaning,tried everything,becky boo bah,1062,24,becky boo bah happy feel alone completely surrounded people love read everything boyfriend text wrong way feel constantly angry uust avoid telling feel feel like failure job failure money failure general therapy got cancelled missed two session one appendix burst breakdown leave house feel stagnant unloved stupid thinking way reason think like im loss need someone talk outright ask attention anyone needy keep plodding cant plod trying hurting wish wasnt around anymore really im sorry reddit needed somewhere vent want bother advice term getting eyour emotion level would fab made far sorry taking time day moaning tried everything
This is unfair,"(I'm not a native english speaker, sorry for all the grammatical errors) 

I feel like I'm a fucking idiot and that the only reason I succeeded at school was because I was working hard, until now. I'm in my first year of college and the second semester started about a month ago but I feel like everything is falling appart. Two teachers barked at me while strongly implying that I was fucking dumb, I studied for several hours for a test and I ended up failing miserably while most of the class (who didn't study at all) found the test super easy. The worse thing is that the place I'm studying at wasn't even the one my high school teachers recommended me to go, thinking it was ""too easy"" for me, but I went to study here anyway because I felt like I wouldn't psychologically handle the option my high school teachers were recommending me to go to (in fact the day before my math finals in hs I was paralyzed on my bed for more than 30min and couldn't stop cyring thinking I wouldn't pass it despite the days I spent studying it). So currently I feel like that I'm just a dumb idiot and that everyone else is simply smarter than me, and the sole reason as to why I succeeded until now was because I cared about my grades but many didn't. I don't know what to do, I don't even know if I even deserve to post something here, I find myself ridiculous and I'm starting to skip meals.",its_me_templar,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdu6xw/this_is_unfair/,native english speaker sorry grammatical error feel like fucking idiot reason succeeded school wa wa working hard first year college second semester started month ago feel like everything falling appart two teacher barked strongly implying wa fucking dumb studied several hour test ended failing miserably class study found test super easy worse thing place studying even one high school teacher recommended go thinking wa easy went study anyway felt like psychologically handle option high school teacher recommending go fact day math final h wa paralyzed bed 30min stop cyring thinking pas despite day spent studying currently feel like dumb idiot everyone else simply smarter sole reason succeeded wa cared grade many know even know even deserve post something find ridiculous starting skip meal,unfair,templar,1382,14,templar native english speaker sorry grammatical error feel like fucking idiot reason succeeded school wa wa working hard first year college second semester started month ago feel like everything falling appart two teacher barked strongly implying wa fucking dumb studied several hour test ended failing miserably class study found test super easy worse thing place studying even one high school teacher recommended go thinking wa easy went study anyway felt like psychologically handle option high school teacher recommending go fact day math final h wa paralyzed bed 30min stop cyring thinking pas despite day spent studying currently feel like dumb idiot everyone else simply smarter sole reason succeeded wa cared grade many know even know even deserve post something find ridiculous starting skip meal unfair
last time I was complimented.,"I thought about it and I realized its been years since someone genuinely gave me a complement.  Mostly its just the typical low-level irritated interactions I seem to have, and people wonder why I am so quiet now.  

One day at a time.",AgileLeg,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwyqp/last_time_i_was_complimented/,thought realized year since someone genuinely gave complement mostly typical low level irritated interaction seem people wonder quiet one day time,last time wa complimented,agile leg,235,29,agile leg thought realized year since someone genuinely gave complement mostly typical low level irritated interaction seem people wonder quiet one day time last time wa complimented
"Long time listener, first time caller","I'm lost... I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't control my emotions anymore. I'm pissed one second and crying the next, I'm laughing now and want to end it 5 seconds later. I've tried all my tricks to help and nothing. I'm so depressed lately with everything happening in my life from work to personal to legal. I always feel so alone... I seriously just want to end it lately. I don't want to go on anymore, it's to damn hard and I'm sick and tired of living a life full of torture. 😔",Jasontodd827,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds40e/long_time_listener_first_time_caller/,lost know anymore control emotion anymore pissed one second cry next laughing want end 5 second later tried trick help nothing depressed lately everything happening life work personal legal always feel alone seriously want end lately want go anymore damn hard sick tired living life full torture,long time listener first time caller,jason todd 827,495,37,jason todd 827 lost know anymore control emotion anymore pissed one second cry next laughing want end 5 second later tried trick help nothing depressed lately everything happening life work personal legal always feel alone seriously want end lately want go anymore damn hard sick tired living life full torture long time listener first time caller
Tonight just feels right.,I feel like dying rn. Don't worry I won't do it. It feels like inner me has just died. In a way I am kind of at peace with it. I wouldn't mind if I just died right now.,KawaiiYuki3,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsw45/tonight_just_feels_right/,feel like dying rn worry feel like inner ha died way kind peace mind died right,tonight feel right,kawai yuki 3,168,25,kawai yuki 3 feel like dying rn worry feel like inner ha died way kind peace mind died right tonight feel right
I feel like I have been LARPIng as ok - will SSRIs help?,"Basically I’ve always been a little listless and sad, even in elementary school. I got ok grades, didn’t really excel at sports. I started getting really great grades in college and joined a magazine, volunteered for the local Democrats, had a barista job etc. But still, even when I was seen as “ok” I was miserable. But, I have a lot of friends, I am kind and funny and have a nice time speaking to people. 

Now I’m three years out of post grad and I’m really suffering. I have been a poor performer at every job I’ve done post grad from the internship, agency, to the tech job I have right now. I have been put on a 30 day performance review and probably getting fired.

I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know why I make these mistakes and fuck up my entire life. I feel like I’m broken, how will I ever make money?? I’m really on my own. I have rent and bills to pay. I could get another job, but I can’t deal with sucking and getting fired at the next one. 

I am on Prozac now so I am hoping this will help. I feel like being up for being fired was a wake up call. I am so ashamed I let this happen.

Everyone else says I’ll get back on my feet but I’m really not ok and I have no idea what to do.  

Has anyone’s life changed on SSRIs? There’s something wrong with me and I fear there’s no hope",sweetiepie1995,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdu2mq/i_feel_like_i_have_been_larping_as_ok_will_ssris/,basically always little listless sad even elementary school got ok grade really excel sport started getting really great grade college joined magazine volunteered local democrat barista job etc still even wa seen ok wa miserable lot friend kind funny nice time speaking people three year post grad really suffering poor performer every job done post grad internship agency tech job right put 30 day performance review probably getting fired know want know make mistake fuck entire life feel like broken ever make money really rent bill pay could get another job deal sucking getting fired next one prozac hoping help feel like fired wa wake call ashamed let happen everyone else say get back foot really ok idea ha anyone life changed ssri something wrong fear hope,feel like larping ok ssri help,sweetie pie 1995,1308,56,sweetie pie 1995 basically always little listless sad even elementary school got ok grade really excel sport started getting really great grade college joined magazine volunteered local democrat barista job etc still even wa seen ok wa miserable lot friend kind funny nice time speaking people three year post grad really suffering poor performer every job done post grad internship agency tech job right put 30 day performance review probably getting fired know want know make mistake fuck entire life feel like broken ever make money really rent bill pay could get another job deal sucking getting fired next one prozac hoping help feel like fired wa wake call ashamed let happen everyone else say get back foot really ok idea ha anyone life changed ssri something wrong fear hope feel like larping ok ssri help
Someone killed my dog and I’m tired,"I’ve been posting here a lot recently, but it’s better then bothering my friends which is why I have. I feel bad because it probably seems like I am searching for some kind of attention, but I’m not I’m just so depressed and done with everything that I have no where else to turn. I used to text those crisis hotlines, but they never help anymore. They’re all trained to recite the same things, and it’s aggravating having the same conversation over and over again where it doesn’t really feel like my feelings are really being validated. 

Everyone goes through things. I know that as much as the next person. The world is a cruel yet charming place filled with a mixture of amazing people and people who couldn’t give two shits about others. I hate how complicated the world is, and I hate how the good things people do never seems to lessen the bad things. I have turned into such a cynical person and as time goes on I’ve found it harder and harder to see good in the world past some amazing friends and the unconditional love that animals provide. After someone killed my beloved dog though, everything just feels bleak again. He didn’t deserve the death he got, and it angers me that nobody even wants to put in the time to find out who would have done this to my best friend. “It won’t bring him back”, you’re right. It won’t, but maybe it would settle this raging anger I have inside? Maybe it would help me feel less guilty about the fact I wasn’t there for him because I was too busy fucking around in college? He gave me everything, and I gave him loneliness while someone brutally murdered him. 

I can never understand why I feel this way, and why everything in my life is going to shit. I’m so very tired and done with the world. When my mom died March 2019, I thought that was what finally broke me, but then I started to get better. I went to counseling, I leaned on my friends, and I started to cope better. I honestly thought that everything was finally looking up, but the world likes to put people like me back in their place. The more I think about it, the more I consider the fact that I’m probably meant for misery and this is why the world constantly kicks me back down when I start to get back on my feet. Coming home for spring break was a mistake as well. My father has done nothing but make me feel worse inside, and I have done nothing but be a recluse in my room watching Netflix. I have started to draw away from my support system too, not because they’ve done anything wrong but because I am tired of bothering them and they all have their own things going on in life without me coming around to be the depressed sack of shit that I am. 

I wish I hadn’t failed my suicide attempts in the past. I wish I was selfish, naive, and brave enough to try again. I wish I didn’t feel these things inside. Everyone would probably be better off without me anyway. My mom would be alive, my sweet baby would be alive, because I guarantee it was karma towards me that took them away. Karma for being a shit person.",Hinatasamaa,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnxl1/someone_killed_my_dog_and_im_tired/,posting lot recently better bothering friend feel bad probably seems like searching kind attention depressed done everything else turn used text crisis hotlines never help anymore trained recite thing aggravating conversation really feel like feeling really validated everyone go thing know much next person world cruel yet charming place filled mixture amazing people people give two shit others hate complicated world hate good thing people never seems lessen bad thing turned cynical person time go found harder harder see good world past amazing friend unconditional love animal provide someone killed beloved dog though everything feel bleak deserve death got anger nobody even want put time find would done best friend bring back right maybe would settle raging anger inside maybe would help feel le guilty fact wa busy fucking around college gave everything gave loneliness someone brutally murdered never understand feel way everything life going shit tired done world mom died march 2019 thought wa finally broke started get better went counseling leaned friend started cope better honestly thought everything wa finally looking world like put people like back place think consider fact probably meant misery world constantly kick back start get back foot coming home spring break wa mistake well father ha done nothing make feel worse inside done nothing recluse room watching netflix started draw away support system done anything wrong tired bothering thing going life without coming around depressed sack shit wish failed suicide attempt past wish wa selfish naive brave enough try wish feel thing inside everyone would probably better without anyway mom would alive sweet baby would alive guarantee wa karma towards took away karma shit person,someone killed dog tired,h sama,3034,35,h sama posting lot recently better bothering friend feel bad probably seems like searching kind attention depressed done everything else turn used text crisis hotlines never help anymore trained recite thing aggravating conversation really feel like feeling really validated everyone go thing know much next person world cruel yet charming place filled mixture amazing people people give two shit others hate complicated world hate good thing people never seems lessen bad thing turned cynical person time go found harder harder see good world past amazing friend unconditional love animal provide someone killed beloved dog though everything feel bleak deserve death got anger nobody even want put time find would done best friend bring back right maybe would settle raging anger inside maybe would help feel le guilty fact wa busy fucking around college gave everything gave loneliness someone brutally murdered never understand feel way everything life going shit tired done world mom died march 2019 thought wa finally broke started get better went counseling leaned friend started cope better honestly thought everything wa finally looking world like put people like back place think consider fact probably meant misery world constantly kick back start get back foot coming home spring break wa mistake well father ha done nothing make feel worse inside done nothing recluse room watching netflix started draw away support system done anything wrong tired bothering thing going life without coming around depressed sack shit wish failed suicide attempt past wish wa selfish naive brave enough try wish feel thing inside everyone would probably better without anyway mom would alive sweet baby would alive guarantee wa karma towards took away karma shit person someone killed dog tired
I don’t really feel good enough for anything,"It feels like I can never be enough for anything because I’m not worth it, I’m a waste of space. I’m worse than everyone else no matter what I do. I feel like I deserve nothing...and I can’t really explain why. I want to feel good...but my mind says it’s wrong. I feel so defeated and worthless and that I’ll never amount to anything and that I I’m inferior to everyone. No one wants anything to do with me. Everyone knows I’m worse than them. I’m left isolated, longing for just the slightest of warmth, but I really don’t deserve anything. I deserve to suffer in eternal torment. I really wish I could just kill myself already, I’m so tired of this agony and lack of energy...and the aching pain. I don’t see any hope in this miserable life...",Tyler080721,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds0n5/i_dont_really_feel_good_enough_for_anything/,feel like never enough anything worth waste space worse everyone else matter feel like deserve nothing really explain want feel good mind say wrong feel defeated worthless never amount anything inferior everyone one want anything everyone know worse left isolated longing slightest warmth really deserve anything deserve suffer eternal torment really wish could kill already tired agony lack energy aching pain see hope miserable life,really feel good enough anything,tyler 080721,745,44,tyler 080721 feel like never enough anything worth waste space worse everyone else matter feel like deserve nothing really explain want feel good mind say wrong feel defeated worthless never amount anything inferior everyone one want anything everyone know worse left isolated longing slightest warmth really deserve anything deserve suffer eternal torment really wish could kill already tired agony lack energy aching pain see hope miserable life really feel good enough anything
I'm fine became an instant response,"Hello everyone. I'm sorry for taking your time, but I need help. 

A bit of a back story to my life: I come from a not-so-well-off family, mom left me (9at the time) and my sister (14 at the time)in my father's care (she left the country), to earn more so we could at least have a bread on the table. My sister took her frustrations on me, was being bullied at school gor not having a functional family, my father distanced himself from us... life generally sucked. I was also getting (at the time undiagnosed) migraines, which my sis and dad kept insisting that I'm lying about for attention, was even punished for it. So I stoped talking. After a long 2 years, my mother had applied for divorce, mainly due to my father's threats and mental abuse. By what I saw, my father was threatening my mother to throw me and my sis in the streets if she didn't send more money. The divorce was messy and a lot of shit throwing at eachother. It ended with my sis insisting that we need to stick toghether and since she was older, she insisted that we stay in my home country with my dad, also to spite my mother, who she now hated. The next years were rough, a lot of screaming, bullying, hitting, starving... list is long. (Just on a side note, I ended up climbing trees from windows to grab aome nasty fruit for my class mates and trading them and homework for sandwiches. Did I care I was millimeters away from dying, NAH!) Highschool was worse with the bulying, mom was still away but now, she had someone (she met the guy before the divorce, but I can't blame her. She was alone in a country where my people were, and still are, very hated). We tried to get mom to get cuatody of me, but for reasons I still can't wrap my head around, it failed. Well, her (now) husband lost his crap, and kept repeating to me and making me feel like pure shit because the process failed. It did fail because of me, yes, but as I said previously, I still don't remember why I said what I said and what happened. Years later, they decide to go to a better place, Australia! After 4 years of struggles and 3 lost cases, I finally get to get my (20 y/o) ass there with my mother. I get a boyfriend, her husband turns out to be the dickhead of the year and, long story short, I get kicked out of the house after only 1 year living with them, and end up with extremely severe anxiety because of him.

This year I turned 24. I still live with my boyfriend, who took me in. But here is where the problem is. I want to end it. So much stuff is going on, and all I can say is that it's too much. I was diagnosed (discovered by accident) with clinical depression at the age of 16, and was never addressed. I always felt like something was wrong, but every time I tried to look for help, was told to suck it up by the counselors and psycologists (admittedly, I only worked the courage to go 3 times in my life).

But in the past 3 years, I felt lost. I've been depressed and can't seem to get over it. I find no joy in life or any of the things I used to love. I have no reason, energy or motivation to move on. I drive to work, I work, put a fake smile, drive back, sleep, agrue, sleep, repeat. I feel so angry all the time, I ended hating myself more than ever, and I don't know why! I feel my partner is not there, he's stuck in his games and not engaging, and I think this is because I put too much pressure on him. I can't see my mother to talk to her, my sister doesn't talk to me and I had to go full no contact with my father. And whenever anyone asks me how I am, all I can do is repeat ""I'm fine"" and smile. I hate it... I hate it all....

Sorry for putting this all out, but I had enough of this. I want to smile, to enjoy things, but I can't... I need help. I knew I had to write this after I watched some reddit reading and was crying like an idiot at how accurate and true the things said in said reading were (the topic was ""What do you wish more people knew about depression"")

Once again, I'm sorry for taking your time, but if you read it all, thank you. Thank you so much for listening.

Also, dear moderators, if this is not in accordince to the rules, please do delete it. Thank you.",Seiren792,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdu0y5/im_fine_became_an_instant_response/,hello everyone sorry taking time need help bit back story life come well family mom left 9at time sister 14 time father care left country earn could least bread table sister took frustration wa bullied school gor functional family father distanced u life generally sucked wa also getting time undiagnosed migraine si dad kept insisting lying attention wa even punished stoped talking long 2 year mother applied divorce mainly due father threat mental abuse saw father wa threatening mother throw si street send money divorce wa messy lot shit throwing eachother ended si insisting need stick toghether since wa older insisted stay home country dad also spite mother hated next year rough lot screaming bullying hitting starving list long side note ended climbing tree window grab aome nasty fruit class mate trading homework sandwich care wa millimeter away dying nah highschool wa worse bulying mom wa still away someone met guy divorce blame wa alone country people still hated tried get mom get cuatody reason still wrap head around failed well husband lost crap kept repeating making feel like pure shit process failed fail yes said previously still remember said said happened year later decide go better place australia 4 year struggle 3 lost case finally get get 20 mother get boyfriend husband turn dickhead year long story short get kicked house 1 year living end extremely severe anxiety year turned 24 still live boyfriend took problem want end much stuff going say much wa diagnosed discovered accident clinical depression age 16 wa never addressed always felt like something wa wrong every time tried look help wa told suck counselor psycologists admittedly worked courage go 3 time life past 3 year felt lost depressed seem get find joy life thing used love reason energy motivation move drive work work put fake smile drive back sleep agrue sleep repeat feel angry time ended hating ever know feel partner stuck game engaging think put much pressure see mother talk sister talk go full contact father whenever anyone asks repeat fine smile hate hate sorry putting enough want smile enjoy thing need help knew write watched reddit reading wa cry like idiot accurate true thing said said reading topic wa wish people knew depression sorry taking time read thank thank much listening also dear moderator accordince rule please delete thank,fine became instant response,sei ren 792,4172,35,sei ren 792 hello everyone sorry taking time need help bit back story life come well family mom left 9at time sister 14 time father care left country earn could least bread table sister took frustration wa bullied school gor functional family father distanced u life generally sucked wa also getting time undiagnosed migraine si dad kept insisting lying attention wa even punished stoped talking long 2 year mother applied divorce mainly due father threat mental abuse saw father wa threatening mother throw si street send money divorce wa messy lot shit throwing eachother ended si insisting need stick toghether since wa older insisted stay home country dad also spite mother hated next year rough lot screaming bullying hitting starving list long side note ended climbing tree window grab aome nasty fruit class mate trading homework sandwich care wa millimeter away dying nah highschool wa worse bulying mom wa still away someone met guy divorce blame wa alone country people still hated tried get mom get cuatody reason still wrap head around failed well husband lost crap kept repeating making feel like pure shit process failed fail yes said previously still remember said said happened year later decide go better place australia 4 year struggle 3 lost case finally get get 20 mother get boyfriend husband turn dickhead year long story short get kicked house 1 year living end extremely severe anxiety year turned 24 still live boyfriend took problem want end much stuff going say much wa diagnosed discovered accident clinical depression age 16 wa never addressed always felt like something wa wrong every time tried look help wa told suck counselor psycologists admittedly worked courage go 3 time life past 3 year felt lost depressed seem get find joy life thing used love reason energy motivation move drive work work put fake smile drive back sleep agrue sleep repeat feel angry time ended hating ever know feel partner stuck game engaging think put much pressure see mother talk sister talk go full contact father whenever anyone asks repeat fine smile hate hate sorry putting enough want smile enjoy thing need help knew write watched reddit reading wa cry like idiot accurate true thing said said reading topic wa wish people knew depression sorry taking time read thank thank much listening also dear moderator accordince rule please delete thank fine became instant response
I was feeling better,"I finally decided to reach out for help 4 months ago, started taking meds and going to psychotherapy, but these last  two weeks I've been feeling really down just like the usual, I'm struggling to get up from bed to the point I end up skipping morning classes, I can't focus, I don't want to be around anyone and I just can't stop thinking about how worthless are the efforts I made these last 4 months and how nice it would be to die",tbl18,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtzsw/i_was_feeling_better/,finally decided reach help 4 month ago started taking med going psychotherapy last two week feeling really like usual struggling get bed point end skipping morning class focus want around anyone stop thinking worthless effort made last 4 month nice would die,wa feeling better,bl 18,434,20,bl 18 finally decided reach help 4 month ago started taking med going psychotherapy last two week feeling really like usual struggling get bed point end skipping morning class focus want around anyone stop thinking worthless effort made last 4 month nice would die wa feeling better
No more feeling shitty,"I changed my diet and it helped me within a day or two! I ate out a lot. Burgers, wings, a lot of salty flavorful food and all that flavor has additives and msg n it fucks w ur brain chemistry I never ate my greens growing up after 2 days or eating salad and fruits and healthy fats and adding 2 tblspn of olive oil to the mixed helped me tremendously.. mood felt so much better!!! I used to be angry all the time also. Gluck

It’s crazy I just drink 2 shakes a day made in a blender I just throw a bunch of salad and other greens along w a cut up whole apple ,orange, some carrots, broccoli, peanut butter, apple cider vinegar, hamulayian Salt and a tablespoon of olive oil. Twice a day

I have two college midterms coming up this week and I’m not even stress for some reason 
Hope this helps🙏🙏🙏",Bayareauser23,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtyls/no_more_feeling_shitty/,changed diet helped within day two ate lot burger wing lot salty flavorful food flavor ha additive msg n fuck w ur brain chemistry never ate green growing 2 day eating salad fruit healthy fat adding 2 tblspn olive oil mixed helped tremendously mood felt much better used angry time also gluck crazy drink 2 shake day made blender throw bunch salad green along w cut whole apple orange carrot broccoli peanut butter apple cider vinegar hamulayian salt tablespoon olive oil twice day two college midterm coming week even stress reason hope help,feeling shitty,bay area user 23,796,22,bay area user 23 changed diet helped within day two ate lot burger wing lot salty flavorful food flavor ha additive msg n fuck w ur brain chemistry never ate green growing 2 day eating salad fruit healthy fat adding 2 tblspn olive oil mixed helped tremendously mood felt much better used angry time also gluck crazy drink 2 shake day made blender throw bunch salad green along w cut whole apple orange carrot broccoli peanut butter apple cider vinegar hamulayian salt tablespoon olive oil twice day two college midterm coming week even stress reason hope help feeling shitty
Lifelines and Helplines,"So I'm 99% sure I'm struggling with depression and have been for the past 2 weeks. Every time I try and talk to friends about it, they just pass me on to helplines and such. I've done it once. But it just takes too long to explain my fkn life story and why I'm fucked up. Am I doing it wrong? What should i even be saying? Like I don't really think there's any point in it",shade5hadow,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsr86/lifelines_and_helplines/,99 sure struggling depression past 2 week every time try talk friend pas helplines done take long explain fkn life story fucked wrong even saying like really think point,lifeline helplines,shade 5 ow,372,23,shade 5 ow 99 sure struggling depression past 2 week every time try talk friend pas helplines done take long explain fkn life story fucked wrong even saying like really think point lifeline helplines
I'm Afraid Meds are the Only Reason I Love Myself,"First off, I wanted to say to you all in the group, things do get better. With years of therapy and medication I feel like I'm on the path to healing. I was depressed as long as I can remember and it does get better, hang on. 

But, I'm doing so well I'm afraid the only reason I've started to actually love myself and feel happiness is because of my medication. I don't want to be medicated my entire life, I want to find ways to be happy and love myself without it, and I'm scared when I'm off of meds, I'll go back to the same me. Anyone have this experience? Any advice?",chocobby,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwoku/im_afraid_meds_are_the_only_reason_i_love_myself/,first wanted say group thing get better year therapy medication feel like path healing wa depressed long remember doe get better hang well afraid reason started actually love feel happiness medication want medicated entire life want find way happy love without scared med go back anyone experience advice,afraid med reason love,choco b,574,49,choco b first wanted say group thing get better year therapy medication feel like path healing wa depressed long remember doe get better hang well afraid reason started actually love feel happiness medication want medicated entire life want find way happy love without scared med go back anyone experience advice afraid med reason love
Today....is better,"No this isn't a motivation post. No I am not magically ""cured"" of my depression and anxiety but at least for today....I am ok. I know this may last a day...or a week. Maybe a month or two if I am lucky. At least for today I can get up and open the curtains in my house and get shit done that I need to. Clean up the mess that has been piling up because I have been too exhausted to take care of. The dishes are finally done. I have clean clothes again and the follow up emails I have been meaning to send have been taken care of. These aren't big tasks. Things that people do every day but for me is like rolling boulders up mountains most days. At least for today they are done, I have accomplished something and I am ok.",ArtsyJohnny85,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwoin/todayis_better/,motivation post magically cured depression anxiety least today ok know may last day week maybe month two lucky least today get open curtain house get shit done need clean mess ha piling exhausted take care dish finally done clean clothes follow email meaning send taken care big task thing people every day like rolling boulder mountain day least today done accomplished something ok,today better,artsy johnny 85,722,18,artsy johnny 85 motivation post magically cured depression anxiety least today ok know may last day week maybe month two lucky least today get open curtain house get shit done need clean mess ha piling exhausted take care dish finally done clean clothes follow email meaning send taken care big task thing people every day like rolling boulder mountain day least today done accomplished something ok today better
I don't want to do anything.,"I  can't get myself to practice Aikido anymore. I bought a ticket to go see The Struts a month ago, but I q just couldn't  leave the house to go see them tonight. The worst part is, I have all of these goals and I want to work towards them but when it comes time to write a paper or go out with friends or whatever, I just can't.  

Sleep seems awful. Being awake seems awful. Even comfort foods are awful to me now. I definitely dont want to kill myself but sometimes I wish I could just stare at the ceiling all day or something but even that seems awful.",TheDeanofSass,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsqjf/i_dont_want_to_do_anything/,get practice aikido anymore bought ticket go see strut month ago q leave house go see tonight worst part goal want work towards come time write paper go friend whatever sleep seems awful awake seems awful even comfort food awful definitely dont want kill sometimes wish could stare ceiling day something even seems awful,want anything,dean sas,557,28,dean sas get practice aikido anymore bought ticket go see strut month ago q leave house go see tonight worst part goal want work towards come time write paper go friend whatever sleep seems awful awake seems awful even comfort food awful definitely dont want kill sometimes wish could stare ceiling day something even seems awful want anything
I am not ok,"I just felt like jumping from a high rise building, I almost went near the edge but I don't know what made me back out. I have been on anti depressants since 2 years and was coping well. But since my mom passed away last month at the age of 50 I am not who I am. I am just not finding any meaning in life. Right now I am feeling numb and my heart is pounding. It feels terrible.",avilsalins,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqkal/i_am_not_ok/,felt like jumping high rise building almost went near edge know made back anti depressant since 2 year wa coping well since mom passed away last month age 50 finding meaning life right feeling numb heart pounding feel terrible,ok,avil sal,378,11,avil sal felt like jumping high rise building almost went near edge know made back anti depressant since 2 year wa coping well since mom passed away last month age 50 finding meaning life right feeling numb heart pounding feel terrible ok
Grief Therapy/Process Group,"Another thing. My mom recommended I consider a grief therapy group or just a normal therapy group. I don't think I'm still grieving but I might be. I was in a process group many times, but I only sometimes felt okay with it.

Some of the others had an idea of what I deal with, as far as crippling depression and at the time, a bad home life. But they didn't have DID or BPD. At this point it's either one 🤦‍♂️. And the therapists, it didn't seem like they really knew how to help, like maybe they have had a personality case before but not on my level. 

I'm actually considering getting back into a group. Who knows, maybe this time they can actually help. I'm trying to not be so closed off. That's how it gets worse. Start shifting personalities and when I interact with my mom or anyone calling me, it's me but not me. Hope that makes sense. 

Hope you guys are having a comfortable day, sending good vibes your way.",Revamp_Chaos,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwlrb/grief_therapyprocess_group/,another thing mom recommended consider grief therapy group normal therapy group think still grieving might wa process group many time sometimes felt okay others idea deal far crippling depression time bad home life bpd point either one therapist seem like really knew help like maybe personality case level actually considering getting back group know maybe time actually help trying closed get worse start shifting personality interact mom anyone calling hope make sense hope guy comfortable day sending good vibe way,grief therapy process group,revamp chaos,921,27,revamp chaos another thing mom recommended consider grief therapy group normal therapy group think still grieving might wa process group many time sometimes felt okay others idea deal far crippling depression time bad home life bpd point either one therapist seem like really knew help like maybe personality case level actually considering getting back group know maybe time actually help trying closed get worse start shifting personality interact mom anyone calling hope make sense hope guy comfortable day sending good vibe way grief therapy process group
You got this!,"I’m sure that a ton of your day is ruined by your head that always screams you’re not good enough or that you messed up. I know there’s something in your mind that always pushes and locks away the good values of yourself, so you can only see the negatives. I know something like that is there. 

I also know that I’m just another person behind a screen, casually typing away whilst you decide to read this. Well, I love you. Like, I love you so bad and to lose someone like you would break my heart, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel bad, it’s okay to feel like giving up. But hey, I want to let you know that you’re still here. And if you’re sitting here, wanting it to be your final hours, then I’m glad that I still get to talk to you and tell you that I adore every part of you; every smile you’ve ever made, tear you’ve cried, every part of you from your head to toe makes me uncontrollably happy. 

I know you’re beautiful, happy or sad, excited or angry. You’re the most beautiful person to you, you want to know why? Because you’ve been going on for so long that you’ve shaped yourself, and you can never be wrong about yourself. You’re the most talented and awesome person I’ve met. And you continue to amaze me everyday by how you manage to wake up day after day, even with the dreaded feeling that you can’t do it, you’re so amazing that I can’t even begin to wonder why you don’t want to be here. 

I love you, you’re the brightest star in the sky, you’re the shiniest diamond in the rough, you’re the sun in my solar system. 

You’ve got this.",zakuroace,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr4sm/you_got_this/,sure ton day ruined head always scream good enough messed know something mind always push lock away good value see negative know something like also know another person behind screen casually typing away whilst decide read well love like love bad lose someone like would break heart okay cry okay feel bad okay feel like giving hey want let know still sitting wanting final hour glad still get talk tell adore every part every smile ever made tear cried every part head toe make uncontrollably happy know beautiful happy sad excited angry beautiful person want know going long shaped never wrong talented awesome person met continue amaze everyday manage wake day day even dreaded feeling amazing even begin wonder want love brightest star sky shiniest diamond rough sun solar system got,got,za kuro ace,1558,13,za kuro ace sure ton day ruined head always scream good enough messed know something mind always push lock away good value see negative know something like also know another person behind screen casually typing away whilst decide read well love like love bad lose someone like would break heart okay cry okay feel bad okay feel like giving hey want let know still sitting wanting final hour glad still get talk tell adore every part every smile ever made tear cried every part head toe make uncontrollably happy know beautiful happy sad excited angry beautiful person want know going long shaped never wrong talented awesome person met continue amaze everyday manage wake day day even dreaded feeling amazing even begin wonder want love brightest star sky shiniest diamond rough sun solar system got got
"""How are you?""","No one has asked me ""how are you?"" In such a long time  that now I have to asked myself very night ""how are you?"" Just to start crying because I know the answer....
I dont have friends I'm the guy they reach for when they need something...I'm so tired....I'm jealous of some of my friends they go quiet for a day and everyone ask them how they are... but when I do it? Nothing...
I'm a person too you know I guess I dont actually have friends.",NPC-42,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsnny/how_are_you/,one ha asked long time asked night start cry know answer dont friend guy reach need something tired jealous friend go quiet day everyone ask nothing person know guess dont actually friend,,npc 42,443,14,npc 42 one ha asked long time asked night start cry know answer dont friend guy reach need something tired jealous friend go quiet day everyone ask nothing person know guess dont actually friend 
Do normal people think life isn’t worth living?,"Is it just the depression ? I just feel like like there’s isn’t enough good in my life to warrant living . Not to worry suicide is essentially outside my moral code .

I just wonder if other people feel like this ? 

Personally I have some happy moments but it’s so far outweighed by all the stress and shit I have to deal with that I kinda just wish I didn’t exist anymore",Fire_Fist-Ace,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr2dn/do_normal_people_think_life_isnt_worth_living/,depression feel like like enough good life warrant living worry suicide essentially outside moral code wonder people feel like personally happy moment far outweighed stress shit deal kinda wish exist anymore,normal people think life worth living,fire fist ace,373,47,fire fist ace depression feel like like enough good life warrant living worry suicide essentially outside moral code wonder people feel like personally happy moment far outweighed stress shit deal kinda wish exist anymore normal people think life worth living
Well im going to the psych ward,"Told my therapist iv been having alot of suicidal toughts lately.
Im so fucking fucked.",toohot4me,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwfw8/well_im_going_to_the_psych_ward/,told therapist iv alot suicidal toughts lately im fucking fucked,well im going psych ward,hot 4,87,31,hot 4 told therapist iv alot suicidal toughts lately im fucking fucked well im going psych ward
I'm so inconsistent on what I can and can't do. I feel like a liar.,"I can do errands and generally go to work. I can make myself go to therapy for now. I'm exhausted the whole time, and it's hard to concentrate, but I can do it. I will admit I've called into work 7 or 8 times this year though. I usually only call in once or twice a year. Whoops. 


So I can generally do what I need to do. I can't cook or maintain my personal hygiene though. I've just been microwaving leftovers that someone else made or eating fast food. I haven't showered in 4 weeks. I only brush my teeth once a day, and even then it's half-assed. I haven't brushed my hair in a few days. I lay around when I'm not running errands/working/going to therapy and it makes my body sore as hell.


I've been getting about 4 hours of sleep on average a night. I haven't hung out with anybody in about a month and a half. I text friends, but can't talk about anything other than...ugh. How I feel. It's pathetic. 


Am I really depressed if I can ""function""? I mean, really. I can do the big things I need to do. Just not the small things.",cricket_aria,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdweus/im_so_inconsistent_on_what_i_can_and_cant_do_i/,errand generally go work make go therapy exhausted whole time hard concentrate admit called work 7 8 time year though usually call twice year whoop generally need cook maintain personal hygiene though microwaving leftover someone else made eating fast food showered 4 week brush teeth day even half assed brushed hair day lay around running errand working going therapy make body sore hell getting 4 hour sleep average night hung anybody month half text friend talk anything ugh feel pathetic really depressed function mean really big thing need small thing,inconsistent feel like liar,cricket aria,1038,67,cricket aria errand generally go work make go therapy exhausted whole time hard concentrate admit called work 7 8 time year though usually call twice year whoop generally need cook maintain personal hygiene though microwaving leftover someone else made eating fast food showered 4 week brush teeth day even half assed brushed hair day lay around running errand working going therapy make body sore hell getting 4 hour sleep average night hung anybody month half text friend talk anything ugh feel pathetic really depressed function mean really big thing need small thing inconsistent feel like liar
Nighttime is the only place where I feel free,"Free from pressures of other kids, teacher, and my parents

My anxiety finally frees up enough to let me scroll through r/depression and r/anxiety as well as posting there

Too bad it lasts for about an hour and a half, it sucks when you only have an hour and a half to be yourself",SmarmySlayer,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr0pw/nighttime_is_the_only_place_where_i_feel_free/,free pressure kid teacher parent anxiety finally free enough let scroll r depression r anxiety well posting bad last hour half suck hour half,nighttime place feel free,smarmy slayer,281,45,smarmy slayer free pressure kid teacher parent anxiety finally free enough let scroll r depression r anxiety well posting bad last hour half suck hour half nighttime place feel free
I want to get better and I need advice. (Text wall alert),"29M. Depression and OCd. Started off 50mg Sertraline 3 weeks ago for two weeks; raised to 75mg one week ago. 

Dear mods, if this is not the right place, kindly let me know. If would be great if you could direct me to the right subreddit.

English is not my first language so please bear with me.

**TL:DR**
I have done a lot of reading when I procrastinate from work. I want to start a daily journal on reddit to keep track of my positives and negatives, my progress, and hopefully get advices on when I go wrong. 
I noticed that I get overtly stressed over tiny chores/work/things to do, and I'd like to tackle it via progressive increase in exposure and desensitization. Then incorporate other CBT techniques.

***Story/Background:***

I have only recently been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder after a close friend forced me to. Looking back now, I think I first had mild depression around 16yo.
I recall having a general apathy towards life, results, ambition, family, and friends. Any motivation is fleeting and I'd spend most of my days daydreaming. Perhaps hoping for some catastrophe in the school so that I'm no longer bored.
The depression seemingly subsided - at least I think so - as I continued on aimlessly on some path my family/culture/friends expected of me. while I'm not excelling, I'm not underperforming. I have close group of friends and we enjoy movies and outings.
It all went to hell when I was around 22/23yo. I should add that I have Contamination OCD and during my University days, decided against my better judgement that I should live with a close friend.
This proved horrible as my OCD meant I couldn't live normally or telerate their habits. I thought I had it in control and hid my oddities well. I didn't. 

My housemates at the time hated me and talked loads behind my back. All the while I was oblivious about their hatred towards me while they acted normal around me. I noticed somewhere around 3 months in. I had the chance to look through their messages and curiousity started my depression.
Reading through all those hate filled complaints and messages was painful. Having to sleep in the same room as him after was impossivle. To act civil while I moved out was tough. While we did not have a big fight because we both hated confrontation,
our 6year friendship fell apart; along with it, I resolutely cut ties with the entire group of friends that was associated with this guy. 

I believe this to be the ""event"" which kickstarted my depression. Worse still, I moved to a different place and had another falling out with another group of housemates. We started off great, even went on a trip together. In about two months, I don't recall the cause of it. But I remember they confronted me on something and I just started withdrawing from them. 
After that, I stopped going to lectures and classes. I was fired from my club because I couldn't perform anymore. (I spent the first year making it into the committee), As a result, I graduated with a subpar GPA. I've never felt worse. I feel like I disaappointed my dad, wasted his money, and failed to prove myself to those who looked down on me.
I spent the next two years isolating myself in my room, only going out for groceries if I absolutely have to. I avoided the housemates by being active at odd hours. I lied to my family that I was trying and failing to apply for jobs while the truth is I mindlessly watched seasons after seasons of brainless TV. 
I am eternally thankful that my dad supported me through this lie. He paid for my rent, food, and courses I took because I wanted to extend my visa. Oh, I was also an international student so you can imagine how much money that costed. 
I cannot begin to describe the amount of guilt I feel. 

The reason I'm even trying to get better is because of guilt. My main motivation is to make them proud of me.

When I was 27, I spent a year dodging their concerned calls. They were so worried they sent a friend over to check on me. And finally, they took a flight over themselves. My visa finally expired and I went home.
After getting home, I once again lied to them about job searching and spent a year doing my best to avoid family events and outings. Finally, last year they forcefully got me a job with my relatives and I've feel into a routine since then.
I majored in Finance and Accounting in Uni. But my results were subpar and it has been 3-4years at this point. I barely remember a thing and I can't perform. I can't even get myself to pick the knowledge back up. 
Admittedly though, the work I perform doesn't require that much. But alas, I fail to perform. I find it difficult to get myself to issue a simple invoice which takes 5muinutes tops. 

I am more and more disappointed in myself over time. I hate the job, but I haven't even sent out a single resume. The very thought of going for interviews and exposing myself as incompetent frightens me. GEtting judged by anonymous HR people makes me hate myself.
I contemplated all kinds of alternatives ie: getting a remote part time job so that I can make extra income while improving myself. Taking courses online and hopefully put me ahead of others.
Ultimately though, I have not brought myself to do any of those things. Even this reddit post took 5days of contemplating before I could do it.

I know what I should do, and people will say ""you never know if you never try"" but I can't help but imagine the negatives. Posting for help on reddit for example opens me up to judgement from random strangers, trolls, even scams, some of them incredibly damaging. 
Improving myself via courses/books/lectures can be an enormous time sink. Not to mention that what is learned may not even be useful to me in the future and may end up being a waste of time.
Currently, I spend the measly 4 hours of free time I get after getting back from work watching movies or reading novels. They're not entertaining nor boring, but they keep me sane. I dread the day that they are taken away. 


***Analysis:***

Growing up, I've been instilled with the idea that I am smart, but lazy. I believe this became a part of my core identify. I'm 29 and I don't recall ever working hard, for anything. 
I've coasted through life however, largely because my parents made me go to numerous additional tuitions, cram classes, etc. I've never done homework, mostly copied them off of friends, but have the concept repeated to you enough times and it gets carved into memory.
My results up till 15yo were always above average. 

I believe due to the circumstances, I grew up without developing any self-discipline skills. Never having an aim or goal and simply going through the motions meant I was lost the moment those guidance were taken away. Believing myself to be smart also creates a subconcious anxiety - what if I worked hard but still failed? that would mean I'm not smart.

Throughout life, I have had a panic attack twice. Once when I was 10. An art project which took me 20minutes tops was criticised and I broke down in tears and hyperventilated, having to be taken home from school.
The next was when I was 16. Around this time, I was getting progessively more apathetic at school. I struggled to get up in the morning and was often late to school. I was late for 10 times and my parents were called to school which resulted in me hyperventilating once again.
I also spent a lot of time gaming which I believe was some sort of coping mechanism similar to mindlessly watching youtube or browsing reddit. 

Not entirely sure what these events mean. But I think I can conclude that I have an inability to accept criticism or face consequences of my own actions. 

***What I want to do:***

As stated above, I want to tackle my self-disclipline, responsibility avoidance, and anxiety towards work, via progressively increasing exposure. 
I will practice mindful relaxation and attempt to associate the relaxation with the trigger(work).
I will also journal on reddit. 1. To have accountability, 2. to further dissect my thoughts, analyze the issues, solve them. and 3. to get advice.    


Thank you for reading this far. Or if you skipped, thanks anyways for your time. I may have left out some details or major events in life, I'm not entirely sure and I'm too tired to go back and check.",FallingIsLearning,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdwcs5/i_want_to_get_better_and_i_need_advice_text_wall/,29m depression ocd started 50mg sertraline 3 week ago two week raised 75mg one week ago dear mod right place kindly let know would great could direct right subreddit english first language please bear tl dr done lot reading procrastinate work want start daily journal reddit keep track positive negative progress hopefully get advice go wrong noticed get overtly stressed tiny chore work thing like tackle via progressive increase exposure desensitization incorporate cbt technique story background recently diagnosed major depressive disorder close friend forced looking back think first mild depression around 16yo recall general apathy towards life result ambition family friend motivation fleeting spend day daydreaming perhaps hoping catastrophe school longer bored depression seemingly subsided least think continued aimlessly path family culture friend expected excelling underperforming close group friend enjoy movie outing went hell wa around 22 23yo add contamination ocd university day decided better judgement live close friend proved horrible ocd meant live normally telerate habit thought control hid oddity well housemate time hated talked load behind back wa oblivious hatred towards acted normal around noticed somewhere around 3 month chance look message curiousity started depression reading hate filled complaint message wa painful sleep room wa impossivle act civil moved wa tough big fight hated confrontation 6year friendship fell apart along resolutely cut tie entire group friend wa associated guy believe event kickstarted depression worse still moved different place another falling another group housemate started great even went trip together two month recall cause remember confronted something started withdrawing stopped going lecture class wa fired club perform anymore spent first year making committee result graduated subpar gpa never felt worse feel like disaappointed dad wasted money failed prove looked spent next two year isolating room going grocery absolutely avoided housemate active odd hour lied family wa trying failing apply job truth mindlessly watched season season brainless tv eternally thankful dad supported lie paid rent food course took wanted extend visa oh wa also international student imagine much money costed cannot begin describe amount guilt feel reason even trying get better guilt main motivation make proud wa 27 spent year dodging concerned call worried sent friend check finally took flight visa finally expired went home getting home lied job searching spent year best avoid family event outing finally last year forcefully got job relative feel routine since majored finance accounting uni result subpar ha 3 4years point barely remember thing perform even get pick knowledge back admittedly though work perform require much ala fail perform find difficult get issue simple invoice take 5muinutes top disappointed time hate job even sent single resume thought going interview exposing incompetent frightens getting judged anonymous hr people make hate contemplated kind alternative ie getting remote part time job make extra income improving taking course online hopefully put ahead others ultimately though brought thing even reddit post took 5days contemplating could know people say never know never try help imagine negative posting help reddit example open judgement random stranger troll even scam incredibly damaging improving via course book lecture enormous time sink mention learned may even useful future may end waste time currently spend measly 4 hour free time get getting back work watching movie reading novel entertaining boring keep sane dread day taken away analysis growing instilled idea smart lazy believe became part core identify 29 recall ever working hard anything coasted life however largely parent made go numerous additional tuition cram class etc never done homework mostly copied friend concept repeated enough time get carved memory result till 15yo always average believe due circumstance grew without developing self discipline skill never aim goal simply going motion meant wa lost moment guidance taken away believing smart also creates subconcious anxiety worked hard still failed would mean smart throughout life panic attack twice wa 10 art project took 20minutes top wa criticised broke tear hyperventilated taken home school next wa wa 16 around time wa getting progessively apathetic school struggled get morning wa often late school wa late 10 time parent called school resulted hyperventilating also spent lot time gaming believe wa sort coping mechanism similar mindlessly watching youtube browsing reddit entirely sure event mean think conclude inability accept criticism face consequence action want stated want tackle self disclipline responsibility avoidance anxiety towards work via progressively increasing exposure practice mindful relaxation attempt associate relaxation trigger work also journal reddit 1 accountability 2 dissect thought analyze issue solve 3 get advice thank reading far skipped thanks anyways time may left detail major event life entirely sure tired go back check,want get better need advice text wall alert,falling learning,8288,57,falling learning 29m depression ocd started 50mg sertraline 3 week ago two week raised 75mg one week ago dear mod right place kindly let know would great could direct right subreddit english first language please bear tl dr done lot reading procrastinate work want start daily journal reddit keep track positive negative progress hopefully get advice go wrong noticed get overtly stressed tiny chore work thing like tackle via progressive increase exposure desensitization incorporate cbt technique story background recently diagnosed major depressive disorder close friend forced looking back think first mild depression around 16yo recall general apathy towards life result ambition family friend motivation fleeting spend day daydreaming perhaps hoping catastrophe school longer bored depression seemingly subsided least think continued aimlessly path family culture friend expected excelling underperforming close group friend enjoy movie outing went hell wa around 22 23yo add contamination ocd university day decided better judgement live close friend proved horrible ocd meant live normally telerate habit thought control hid oddity well housemate time hated talked load behind back wa oblivious hatred towards acted normal around noticed somewhere around 3 month chance look message curiousity started depression reading hate filled complaint message wa painful sleep room wa impossivle act civil moved wa tough big fight hated confrontation 6year friendship fell apart along resolutely cut tie entire group friend wa associated guy believe event kickstarted depression worse still moved different place another falling another group housemate started great even went trip together two month recall cause remember confronted something started withdrawing stopped going lecture class wa fired club perform anymore spent first year making committee result graduated subpar gpa never felt worse feel like disaappointed dad wasted money failed prove looked spent next two year isolating room going grocery absolutely avoided housemate active odd hour lied family wa trying failing apply job truth mindlessly watched season season brainless tv eternally thankful dad supported lie paid rent food course took wanted extend visa oh wa also international student imagine much money costed cannot begin describe amount guilt feel reason even trying get better guilt main motivation make proud wa 27 spent year dodging concerned call worried sent friend check finally took flight visa finally expired went home getting home lied job searching spent year best avoid family event outing finally last year forcefully got job relative feel routine since majored finance accounting uni result subpar ha 3 4years point barely remember thing perform even get pick knowledge back admittedly though work perform require much ala fail perform find difficult get issue simple invoice take 5muinutes top disappointed time hate job even sent single resume thought going interview exposing incompetent frightens getting judged anonymous hr people make hate contemplated kind alternative ie getting remote part time job make extra income improving taking course online hopefully put ahead others ultimately though brought thing even reddit post took 5days contemplating could know people say never know never try help imagine negative posting help reddit example open judgement random stranger troll even scam incredibly damaging improving via course book lecture enormous time sink mention learned may even useful future may end waste time currently spend measly 4 hour free time get getting back work watching movie reading novel entertaining boring keep sane dread day taken away analysis growing instilled idea smart lazy believe became part core identify 29 recall ever working hard anything coasted life however largely parent made go numerous additional tuition cram class etc never done homework mostly copied friend concept repeated enough time get carved memory result till 15yo always average believe due circumstance grew without developing self discipline skill never aim goal simply going motion meant wa lost moment guidance taken away believing smart also creates subconcious anxiety worked hard still failed would mean smart throughout life panic attack twice wa 10 art project took 20minutes top wa criticised broke tear hyperventilated taken home school next wa wa 16 around time wa getting progessively apathetic school struggled get morning wa often late school wa late 10 time parent called school resulted hyperventilating also spent lot time gaming believe wa sort coping mechanism similar mindlessly watching youtube browsing reddit entirely sure event mean think conclude inability accept criticism face consequence action want stated want tackle self disclipline responsibility avoidance anxiety towards work via progressively increasing exposure practice mindful relaxation attempt associate relaxation trigger work also journal reddit 1 accountability 2 dissect thought analyze issue solve 3 get advice thank reading far skipped thanks anyways time may left detail major event life entirely sure tired go back check want get better need advice text wall alert
Rock Bottom,"So I’ve suffered some heavy depression for a long time, my ex that I absolutely loved to the max just got along so well, she was so gorgeous, caring, loving and nice. She was the first girl I actually loved in a long long time. Me and her were so good for each other I thought. She knew I was suffering from depression but the crazy part is every day I was with her I was improving. She was the support I used to slowly walk up the steps to getting better. I was happy as can be to have a girl like that and for myself to climb out of that depressed hole I was in for so long. Well we got into an argument before our breakup because I thought we were being pretty distant and she blew up. She told me “I just can’t handle it anymore” and left me, I was heartbroken. She couldn’t handle my depression anymore and that’s what hurt the most. I loved her with my whole heart and now she looks at me like I’m some stranger on the streets. She never truly explained to me why everything happened and she won’t talk to me at all now. I thought I was making us stronger by opening up to her and having her help me but she never told me how much I was hurting her with my depression. She saw me improve so much and deciding to leave outta no where made no sense to me. Well here we are today, all that progress lost. I feel worse than I ever have in my life. It really fucking hurts to know the one person I loved most couldn’t handle me at my worst and left me to rot. I don’t even know what to do. I’ve deadass just been hooking up with girls at parties and drinking with my friends until I blackout. I don’t know if I can trust another girl with any of my emotions again or even trust myself to love someone again. I just wanted to give her the world but I ruined it for her and us. I’m a piece of shit I know, but i just want her to see that I was improving and for her to come back.",thebiggens,12,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdngxg/rock_bottom/,suffered heavy depression long time ex absolutely loved max got along well wa gorgeous caring loving nice wa first girl actually loved long long time good thought knew wa suffering depression crazy part every day wa wa improving wa support used slowly walk step getting better wa happy girl like climb depressed hole wa long well got argument breakup thought pretty distant blew told handle anymore left wa heartbroken handle depression anymore hurt loved whole heart look like stranger street never truly explained everything happened talk thought wa making u stronger opening help never told much wa hurting depression saw improve much deciding leave outta made sense well today progress lost feel worse ever life really fucking hurt know one person loved handle worst left rot even know deadass hooking girl party drinking friend blackout know trust another girl emotion even trust love someone wanted give world ruined u piece shit know want see wa improving come back,rock bottom,big gen,1878,11,big gen suffered heavy depression long time ex absolutely loved max got along well wa gorgeous caring loving nice wa first girl actually loved long long time good thought knew wa suffering depression crazy part every day wa wa improving wa support used slowly walk step getting better wa happy girl like climb depressed hole wa long well got argument breakup thought pretty distant blew told handle anymore left wa heartbroken handle depression anymore hurt loved whole heart look like stranger street never truly explained everything happened talk thought wa making u stronger opening help never told much wa hurting depression saw improve much deciding leave outta made sense well today progress lost feel worse ever life really fucking hurt know one person loved handle worst left rot even know deadass hooking girl party drinking friend blackout know trust another girl emotion even trust love someone wanted give world ruined u piece shit know want see wa improving come back rock bottom
"I am single, an only child, no friends, and live far from my elderly parents. When bad things happen, I have nobody to comfort me.","I keep in phone contact with my parents, but sometimes when I make a big mistake I really need someone to hug and cry to. I feel so alone in this world. I don't have any pets either. The friends I have keep in touch but live far away as well. I'm afraid of what will happen when my parents are gone.",Syckobot,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqyjj/i_am_single_an_only_child_no_friends_and_live_far/,keep phone contact parent sometimes make big mistake really need someone hug cry feel alone world pet either friend keep touch live far away well afraid happen parent gone,single child friend live far elderly parent bad thing happen nobody comfort,sy c ko bot,299,130,sy c ko bot keep phone contact parent sometimes make big mistake really need someone hug cry feel alone world pet either friend keep touch live far away well afraid happen parent gone single child friend live far elderly parent bad thing happen nobody comfort
I'm struggling,"I'm having burnouts right now trying to catch up with deadlines, practical stuffs and I can't do my own study sessions and on top of that I just found out that my aunt is dying (she's in stage 4 pancreatic cancer) and the doctors told us that they can't do anything anymore. I'm away from my family and I don't even have time to visit. I'm barely holding on now. I can't focus in class and I feel like crying even in class itself. My muscles are tense and I can't seem to feel happy, not even one bit. My suicidal thoughts are through the roof now. I'm anxious for the upcoming practicals where I'm expected to talk in front of people and I'm just shaking thinking about it. I'm sorry if I'm just whining right now and I'm supposed to ""suck it up"" and not complain, I know and I'm sorry for that.",minjooncartier,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtntz/im_struggling/,burnouts right trying catch deadline practical stuff study session top found aunt dying stage 4 pancreatic cancer doctor told u anything anymore away family even time visit barely holding focus class feel like cry even class muscle tense seem feel happy even one bit suicidal thought roof anxious upcoming practicals expected talk front people shaking thinking sorry whining right supposed suck complain know sorry,struggling,min joon cartier,796,14,min joon cartier burnouts right trying catch deadline practical stuff study session top found aunt dying stage 4 pancreatic cancer doctor told u anything anymore away family even time visit barely holding focus class feel like cry even class muscle tense seem feel happy even one bit suicidal thought roof anxious upcoming practicals expected talk front people shaking thinking sorry whining right supposed suck complain know sorry struggling
Nightmares,"Hi guys, 

Just wanted to know - do any of you have really awful/vivid nightmares when sleeping? I find mine have been getting worse and worse as my depression ebbs and flows: 

A lot of times they involve me being back in high school or college and forgetting classes to go to, or being in high school at age 30 while everyone else is in their teens. Other times I dream about moving away from home and I struggle or my car breaks down and I cannot get it fixed. 

I also dream about my job and stuff sometimes too. Anyone else have this?",William_T_Wanker,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqxhg/nightmares/,hi guy wanted know really awful vivid nightmare sleeping find mine getting worse worse depression ebb flow lot time involve back high school college forgetting class go high school age 30 everyone else teen time dream moving away home struggle car break cannot get fixed also dream job stuff sometimes anyone else,nightmare,william w anker,539,10,william w anker hi guy wanted know really awful vivid nightmare sleeping find mine getting worse worse depression ebb flow lot time involve back high school college forgetting class go high school age 30 everyone else teen time dream moving away home struggle car break cannot get fixed also dream job stuff sometimes anyone else nightmare
I feel sad almost always,"Not all the time.when I'm with my friends or watching a funny video I can laugh and smile and feel happy. the rest of the time I'm sad. I'm so confused about my life and the people I'm surrounding myself with. I'm finding it hard to sleep because I'm always thinking. I cry all the time and I don't understand why. 

my mum died a couple of years ago when I was 13 and I never had time to fully grieve. I miss her so so much all the time and no one seems to understand why considering it happened so long ago.

I don't know what to do. I always feel anxious and stressy, on the verge of tears, tired. even stuff that excited me alot I'm starting to dread and I'm so confused at what's happening to me.",kali0412,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn2dd/i_feel_sad_almost_always/,time friend watching funny video laugh smile feel happy rest time sad confused life people surrounding finding hard sleep always thinking cry time understand mum died couple year ago wa 13 never time fully grieve miss much time one seems understand considering happened long ago know always feel anxious stressy verge tear tired even stuff excited alot starting dread confused happening,feel sad almost always,kali 0412,701,24,kali 0412 time friend watching funny video laugh smile feel happy rest time sad confused life people surrounding finding hard sleep always thinking cry time understand mum died couple year ago wa 13 never time fully grieve miss much time one seems understand considering happened long ago know always feel anxious stressy verge tear tired even stuff excited alot starting dread confused happening feel sad almost always
No motivation in job related issues,"I would like to share my situation here presumming this has already been talked about a thousand times. First of all, forgive my English as it is not my first language (Im from Spain).

Im a 26 yo civil engineering, graduated in 2018 after 5 long years of hard study. Before this, I did a couple internships in civil engineering during college. The second one went pretty good and my boss actually wanted to hire me but I decided to leave to start the masters. After finishing it one year later and not finding any job, I ended up in an energy company, in the sales department, a field totally different than my educational background, where I stayed temporarily until I could find something in my field. The thing is, several months have passed and Im still here but also I found out I dont like this job, to the point that it has driven to a state of depression and unhappiness, but still here because of the money. The situation has been aggravated since I cant find anything else, resulting in a feel of no motivation to find other jobs and challenge myself to reach higher in life. Also, I feel that Im not as competent as I should be and that makes me feel bad too. Times is passing and Im still stuck in this conundrum with the pressure of no succeeding. I know this relies in the survival of the fittest and work hard concept but it seems to be more difficult for me. The only times I feel an extra shoot of happiness is when I practice sports or Im with my girlfriend/friends. But then this bleak mental state hits back again.

Wonder if any of you have experienced a similar situation and how have you dealt with it.

Thanks in advance! :))",Piras26,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdw956/no_motivation_in_job_related_issues/,would like share situation presumming ha already talked thousand time first forgive english first language im spain im 26 yo civil engineering graduated 2018 5 long year hard study couple internship civil engineering college second one went pretty good bos actually wanted hire decided leave start master finishing one year later finding job ended energy company sale department field totally different educational background stayed temporarily could find something field thing several month passed im still also found dont like job point ha driven state depression unhappiness still money situation ha aggravated since cant find anything else resulting feel motivation find job challenge reach higher life also feel im competent make feel bad time passing im still stuck conundrum pressure succeeding know relies survival fittest work hard concept seems difficult time feel extra shoot happiness practice sport im girlfriend friend bleak mental state hit back wonder experienced similar situation dealt thanks advance,motivation job related issue,pir 26,1650,35,pir 26 would like share situation presumming ha already talked thousand time first forgive english first language im spain im 26 yo civil engineering graduated 2018 5 long year hard study couple internship civil engineering college second one went pretty good bos actually wanted hire decided leave start master finishing one year later finding job ended energy company sale department field totally different educational background stayed temporarily could find something field thing several month passed im still also found dont like job point ha driven state depression unhappiness still money situation ha aggravated since cant find anything else resulting feel motivation find job challenge reach higher life also feel im competent make feel bad time passing im still stuck conundrum pressure succeeding know relies survival fittest work hard concept seems difficult time feel extra shoot happiness practice sport im girlfriend friend bleak mental state hit back wonder experienced similar situation dealt thanks advance motivation job related issue
Free from all depression and worry for the first time in years then back again in 2 hours what the fuck????,"Yesterday I had an epiphany that allowed me to be happy and my whole reality shifted but only temporarily and now I cannot be happy no matter how hard I try, has anyone experienced this?",Tipharean,11,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdw86h/free_from_all_depression_and_worry_for_the_first/,yesterday epiphany allowed happy whole reality shifted temporarily cannot happy matter hard try ha anyone experienced,free depression worry first time year back 2 hour fuck,tip hare,186,107,tip hare yesterday epiphany allowed happy whole reality shifted temporarily cannot happy matter hard try ha anyone experienced free depression worry first time year back 2 hour fuck
How I’ve been,"What started as a week phase(on and off) in September of 2019 has slowly becoming more and more permanent. My eyes feel tired, I feel physically exhausted. I can’t focus, I can’t find enjoyment out of guitar and video games (things I used to put hours a day into).  So now I sleep. I sleep in my free periods at school and I sleep when I get home at 2:30pm. I wake up around 8pm, eat and go back to bed. My dreams are starting to be better then my own life. While I dream I feel happy, I don’t feel weighed down. I don’t feel like I’m alone. I don’t feel numb. 

I went to the school counselor for help last week. All she told me was to tell my mom how I was feeling and go see a doctor. That is the hardest thing I can possibly do. She will think it’s her fault, similar to how she took my sisters anxiety problem, and I can’t burden that on her. I don’t know what to do.

Edit: grammar",yeetmiser,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdw5hi/how_ive_been/,started week phase september 2019 ha slowly becoming permanent eye feel tired feel physically exhausted focus find enjoyment guitar video game thing used put hour day sleep sleep free period school sleep get home 2 30pm wake around 8pm eat go back bed dream starting better life dream feel happy feel weighed feel like alone feel numb went school counselor help last week told wa tell mom wa feeling go see doctor hardest thing possibly think fault similar took sister anxiety problem burden know edit grammar,,yee miser,887,13,yee miser started week phase september 2019 ha slowly becoming permanent eye feel tired feel physically exhausted focus find enjoyment guitar video game thing used put hour day sleep sleep free period school sleep get home 2 30pm wake around 8pm eat go back bed dream starting better life dream feel happy feel weighed feel like alone feel numb went school counselor help last week told wa tell mom wa feeling go see doctor hardest thing possibly think fault similar took sister anxiety problem burden know edit grammar 
does anyone else fantasize coming back to life after committing suicide?,I want to know if people do to snap me out of my mental state in some way. I tried to commit suicide two weeks ago..,-Serados,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdscih/does_anyone_else_fantasize_coming_back_to_life/,want know people snap mental state way tried commit suicide two week ago,doe anyone else fantasize coming back life committing suicide,serum,116,72,serum want know people snap mental state way tried commit suicide two week ago doe anyone else fantasize coming back life committing suicide
Reassurance needed,"So, pretty much. I’ve been dealing with depression & anxiety for quite a number of years, but I’ve going through a real low, rough patch at the moment. My self hatred has been growing rapidly & to top it off, me and my now ex girlfriend broke up the other day. I was just wondering if any of you could just comment some positive things like inspiration and whatnot? Thank you all in advance. 

I hope everyone that’s reading this right now are coping alright, you’re never alone ❤️",Nonfictionss,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsbcn/reassurance_needed/,pretty much dealing depression amp anxiety quite number year going real low rough patch moment self hatred ha growing rapidly amp top ex girlfriend broke day wa wondering could comment positive thing like inspiration whatnot thank advance hope everyone reading right coping alright never alone,reassurance needed,nonfiction,489,18,nonfiction pretty much dealing depression amp anxiety quite number year going real low rough patch moment self hatred ha growing rapidly amp top ex girlfriend broke day wa wondering could comment positive thing like inspiration whatnot thank advance hope everyone reading right coping alright never alone reassurance needed
College student seeking help,"I’m a college student who has suffered with depression my entire life. Through multiple suites attempts, anxiety, and always despising every last thing about myself, I’ve decided I’ve reached the breaking point. My orients don’t believe mental illness is real. I’ve exhausted the school counseling center by using up the amount of short term counseling I can get. I’ve been referred to places that all require insurance, but I only have my parents who will not allow me treatment. I know I need help. I’m going to die soon, I’ve broken relationships and I’m unhealthier than I’ve ever been. I feel alone and afraid. I want to die so bad but I’m so afraid and I just need someone to help me. I need counseling help or something. I can’t take this pain much longer. I have difficulty expressing my feelings to people and have so much buried that I don’t know where to turn",manohman31,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrgkv/college_student_seeking_help/,college student ha suffered depression entire life multiple suite attempt anxiety always despising every last thing decided reached breaking point orient believe mental illness real exhausted school counseling center using amount short term counseling get referred place require insurance parent allow treatment know need help going die soon broken relationship unhealthier ever feel alone afraid want die bad afraid need someone help need counseling help something take pain much longer difficulty expressing feeling people much buried know turn,college student seeking help,man ohm 31,870,28,man ohm 31 college student ha suffered depression entire life multiple suite attempt anxiety always despising every last thing decided reached breaking point orient believe mental illness real exhausted school counseling center using amount short term counseling get referred place require insurance parent allow treatment know need help going die soon broken relationship unhealthier ever feel alone afraid want die bad afraid need someone help need counseling help something take pain much longer difficulty expressing feeling people much buried know turn college student seeking help
Will it ever get better? Did it for you?,"I’m honestly so lazy and not motivated to do anything and I could be doing everything I can to make my life better but it’s like I don’t want to it’s hard to explain but I’m depressed and hopeless. I have so much thoughts built up Inside me but there’s no one I can trust who won’t judge or complain about what I have to say and every time I hold this stuff in I end up having a big breakdown but if I tell someone I usually regret it. I wish life would get better, I wish I could change, I just wish for a better life in general. I doubt anyone read this but whatever, if you did could you maybe give advice or something I’m honestly so lost",ImTrashySpamy,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrfwa/will_it_ever_get_better_did_it_for_you/,honestly lazy motivated anything could everything make life better like want hard explain depressed hopeless much thought built inside one trust judge complain say every time hold stuff end big breakdown tell someone usually regret wish life would get better wish could change wish better life general doubt anyone read whatever could maybe give advice something honestly lost,ever get better,im trashy spa,642,40,im trashy spa honestly lazy motivated anything could everything make life better like want hard explain depressed hopeless much thought built inside one trust judge complain say every time hold stuff end big breakdown tell someone usually regret wish life would get better wish could change wish better life general doubt anyone read whatever could maybe give advice something honestly lost ever get better
So bored all I wanna do is workout.,"I have no job, no friends and no girlfriend. All I do is play video games, hang with my dog and workout for an hour. I’m so bored with life. Worse part is I don’t wanna do anything. I don’t wanna socialize, don’t wanna go out, nothing really feels worthwhile and genuinely interesting. I’m almost 30 and life has lost all purpose. All I wait for is my next hour at the gym everyday.",thebus01,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpzag/so_bored_all_i_wanna_do_is_workout/,job friend girlfriend play video game hang dog workout hour bored life worse part wanna anything wanna socialize wanna go nothing really feel worthwhile genuinely interesting almost 30 life ha lost purpose wait next hour gym everyday,bored wanna workout,bus 01,382,35,bus 01 job friend girlfriend play video game hang dog workout hour bored life worse part wanna anything wanna socialize wanna go nothing really feel worthwhile genuinely interesting almost 30 life ha lost purpose wait next hour gym everyday bored wanna workout
A friend of mine killed himself almost a month ago and I wonder if he did the right thing,"at first I was mad, wondering how could he think that his life was worthless enough to choose to kill himself. I mean, I'm depressed too. I know what it means. But he actually did it. He killed himself. He's dead. I have him between  my friends on steam and I see the ""last logged in"" day always getting more far. First two days, then a week, two weeks, four weeks. He's never going to log in again, because he's dead. I wonder if he did the right thing. Life is fucking hard. I should get a job. I should go back to school. I should get a license. I don't want to. There is this sense of doom I feel everywhere I go, everything I do. Things seems so worthless. I'm sorry this is all over the place it's almost 5am and I can't fall asleep",brugola,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpb4d/a_friend_of_mine_killed_himself_almost_a_month/,first wa mad wondering could think life wa worthless enough choose kill mean depressed know mean actually killed dead friend steam see last logged day always getting far first two day week two week four week never going log dead wonder right thing life fucking hard get job go back school get license want sense doom feel everywhere go everything thing seems worthless sorry place almost 5am fall asleep,friend mine killed almost month ago wonder right thing,bru go la,738,89,bru go la first wa mad wondering could think life wa worthless enough choose kill mean depressed know mean actually killed dead friend steam see last logged day always getting far first two day week two week four week never going log dead wonder right thing life fucking hard get job go back school get license want sense doom feel everywhere go everything thing seems worthless sorry place almost 5am fall asleep friend mine killed almost month ago wonder right thing
Can’t decide if I should just end it or be better.,"I have so much on my plate right now and I feel like I can’t be happy. I’m fat, I’m manipulative, I’m not that good of a person and I’m alone. I seriously can’t decide if I should keep going. I don’t know if I can handle the difficulties in the path of improvement. It would be so much easier just to end it, I’ve never been good with decisions.",notajacob,13,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdo7u5/cant_decide_if_i_should_just_end_it_or_be_better/,much plate right feel like happy fat manipulative good person alone seriously decide keep going know handle difficulty path improvement would much easier end never good decision,decide end better,jacob,345,50,jacob much plate right feel like happy fat manipulative good person alone seriously decide keep going know handle difficulty path improvement would much easier end never good decision decide end better
Cannot stop thinking about moving away and meeting new people,I feel so alone and I want to move away and meet new people. I can't stop thinking about it. How do you get things off your mind. I'm not happy with my life and situation. It's not fulfilling...,splattergrind,15,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdncn2/cannot_stop_thinking_about_moving_away_and/,feel alone want move away meet new people stop thinking get thing mind happy life situation fulfilling,cannot stop thinking moving away meeting new people,splatter grind,194,61,splatter grind feel alone want move away meet new people stop thinking get thing mind happy life situation fulfilling cannot stop thinking moving away meeting new people
I’m pathetic,"Fuck I really hate myself, I get upset over the tiniest stupidest things",SeaSaltSaw,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvtfb/im_pathetic/,fuck really hate get upset tiniest stupidest thing,pathetic,sea salt saw,72,12,sea salt saw fuck really hate get upset tiniest stupidest thing pathetic
I forgot about music.,"Hi everyone, this is my first time posting in this thread so bare with me. 

So I’ve been suffering from depression on and off for years, I’m currently in an off cycle but feel kind of down/low energy but not enough for me to call it depressed. Anyway, I somehow completely forgot about music and haven’t listened to it for months. I commute on the bus, and I usually just sit and browse reddit, and when my bf drives me the radio is usually off because I get sensory overload if he tries to talk while the radio is on, so we usually just keep it off. 

Anyway, yesterday when I went in the car the Bluetooth function was on as I guess my bf was listening to his music on his way home from work, and it automatically connected to my phone and started playing my music. It was a song by the Jonas brothers (embarrassing) from like 2008, and it just made me so so happy and I started vibing so hard before I had to start work. I seriously forgot about music. I told him now that every time he drives me to work I should play my music to give me a quick happy boost before work. Has anyone else just forgot about something that would give them joy?",StaircaseObsession,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqj14/i_forgot_about_music/,hi everyone first time posting thread bare suffering depression year currently cycle feel kind low energy enough call depressed anyway somehow completely forgot music listened month commute bus usually sit browse reddit bf drive radio usually get sensory overload try talk radio usually keep anyway yesterday went car bluetooth function wa guess bf wa listening music way home work automatically connected phone started playing music wa song jonas brother embarrassing like 2008 made happy started vibing hard start work seriously forgot music told every time drive work play music give quick happy boost work ha anyone else forgot something would give joy,forgot music,staircase obsession,1145,21,staircase obsession hi everyone first time posting thread bare suffering depression year currently cycle feel kind low energy enough call depressed anyway somehow completely forgot music listened month commute bus usually sit browse reddit bf drive radio usually get sensory overload try talk radio usually keep anyway yesterday went car bluetooth function wa guess bf wa listening music way home work automatically connected phone started playing music wa song jonas brother embarrassing like 2008 made happy started vibing hard start work seriously forgot music told every time drive work play music give quick happy boost work ha anyone else forgot something would give joy forgot music
Yesterday I was reminded again.,"Exactly a year ago, I turned up at my gf's (now ex) house. She wanted to be angry with me that day, she was walking towards me about to explode.... But I picked her up and ran away with her. She forgot even why she wanted to be angry with me for, we went IKEA to look at new stuff for her apartment and then we went to a cafe in which I took a selfie of us. We were so happy and cute together. That selfie popped up on my one year memories.

Fast forward to now, we've been separated since end of October last year. She doesn't talk with me, she removed me from everything except Facebook. 

I am hurting every fucking day. I remember her, I remember all the good times we had, I remember the future plans we had with each other. I don't know exactly when she turned from loving me to leaving me. But I just wish she spoke to me about any concerns she was having. I made my mistakes too by not understanding exactly what she wanted. 

I just want that happiness we had a year ago. I just miss her so much. We both wanted to get married, but I told her, once I finish school or get a job, we will get married! 

She told me she loved me and always will. I told her I loved her unconditionally. I wish somehow we could redo our relationship because we fit together so damn well. But, not in this lifetime I guess...",Iamoriginalthrowaw4y,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdmbti/yesterday_i_was_reminded_again/,exactly year ago turned gf ex house wanted angry day wa walking towards explode picked ran away forgot even wanted angry went ikea look new stuff apartment went cafe took selfie u happy cute together selfie popped one year memory fast forward separated since end october last year talk removed everything except facebook hurting every fucking day remember remember good time remember future plan know exactly turned loving leaving wish spoke concern wa made mistake understanding exactly wanted want happiness year ago miss much wanted get married told finish school get job get married told loved always told loved unconditionally wish somehow could redo relationship fit together damn well lifetime guess,yesterday wa reminded,iam original throw aw 4,1313,31,iam original throw aw 4 exactly year ago turned gf ex house wanted angry day wa walking towards explode picked ran away forgot even wanted angry went ikea look new stuff apartment went cafe took selfie u happy cute together selfie popped one year memory fast forward separated since end october last year talk removed everything except facebook hurting every fucking day remember remember good time remember future plan know exactly turned loving leaving wish spoke concern wa made mistake understanding exactly wanted want happiness year ago miss much wanted get married told finish school get job get married told loved always told loved unconditionally wish somehow could redo relationship fit together damn well lifetime guess yesterday wa reminded
Think i have just met a new level of depression,"I have phases where I feel nothing but my existance, of which I dont want. 

I will be lucky if I get nore than 5 replies and thats bumping the number up.",Kaid214,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdiafo/think_i_have_just_met_a_new_level_of_depression/,phase feel nothing existance dont want lucky get nore 5 reply thats bumping number,think met new level depression,kaid 214,154,47,kaid 214 phase feel nothing existance dont want lucky get nore 5 reply thats bumping number think met new level depression
Fail every test/interview/exam,Not sure how I'm supposed to evolve if I can't move forward. I'll study I'll prepare and everytime I'll come short of a positive outcome. Wish they had other ways of evaluating what we are capable of.,-chrisandrews-,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdvbr2/fail_every_testinterviewexam/,sure supposed evolve move forward study prepare everytime come short positive outcome wish way evaluating capable,fail every test interview exam,chris andrew,200,30,chris andrew sure supposed evolve move forward study prepare everytime come short positive outcome wish way evaluating capable fail every test interview exam
My birthday is Saturday,"As the title says, my birthday is Saturday. The past 20 years I've never had a good birthday. My Mom was never stable, and my birthday was no exception. She'd would either view my birthday as a burden or if I didn't react in a specific way to something she would do for my birthday, she'd act as if the world collapsed around her and make a huge deal about how I don't appreciate her and she's a bad parent. (Maybe I'm just un-greatful like I've always been told) Regardless. As far back as I can remember, I've never had a good birthday. I recall vividly having a birthday party as a child, no one wanted to really play with me at my party. And I tried to isolate myself at a table when the cake was being cut (it didn't go over well with my Mom, she scalded me in front of everyone).

 As birthdays go by, all I remember are sighs, moans, and groans whenever mentioned. Last year no one wished me a happy birthday (family yes, but if history shows they don't really care) my Mom said I should celebrate her on my birthday because she's the one that gave birth to me.
 Later on I went to a pub I knew I could get into, and tried to get drunk but could barley manage. I had never felt so alone in a room of people, and it's not like it's a place I'm unfamiliar with, I knew the regulars, the regulars knew me, we're all well aquatinted. Yet still, I had never felt more alone. I ended up contacting a mate that sells me pot and got high with my weed guy. He's the only person that genuinely wished me a Happy Birthday outside my family.

 Flashforward to present day, life is pretty decent, my business is doing well, I have an album releasing soon, I have a clean bill of health (for the most part) but the realization set in...

My friend (we'll call him J) is talking in the group chat I'm in,  saying he wants to do social stuff soon, and I tell him that (we'll call him B) B and I are going to do stuff Friday and we could go out and do something all together. The chat goes cold. 

Time passes. 

Moments later, someone else in the chat (we'll call him C) says ""we should all do something Friday""...everyone lights up with agreeing with him. B then enters the chat and says my birthday is Saturday and ""we should be going out Friday for Matt"". C responds with ""that's fine"". Then everything hits me, I feel like a burden again, they probably didn't want to hangout with me, and now that B said something they feel obligated... 

I told them  ""We don't have to for me"" ""I would rather you guys have a full night"". The chats been silent since. I'm a burden, people probably hangout with me because they feel morally obligated. I'm just a waste of space.

 I'm probably being over dramatic and acting like a child seeking attention. But I know this post will waste away in the void. Nothing is genuine. I'll always be lonely.",MattMan2k17,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq3xc/my_birthday_is_saturday/,title say birthday saturday past 20 year never good birthday mom wa never stable birthday wa exception would either view birthday burden react specific way something would birthday act world collapsed around make huge deal appreciate bad parent maybe un greatful like always told regardless far back remember never good birthday recall vividly birthday party child one wanted really play party tried isolate table cake wa cut go well mom scalded front everyone birthday go remember sigh moan groan whenever mentioned last year one wished happy birthday family yes history show really care mom said celebrate birthday one gave birth later went pub knew could get tried get drunk could barley manage never felt alone room people like place unfamiliar knew regular regular knew well aquatinted yet still never felt alone ended contacting mate sell pot got high weed guy person genuinely wished happy birthday outside family flashforward present day life pretty decent business well album releasing soon clean bill health part realization set friend call j talking group chat saying want social stuff soon tell call b b going stuff friday could go something together chat go cold time pass moment later someone else chat call c say something friday everyone light agreeing b enters chat say birthday saturday going friday matt c responds fine everything hit feel like burden probably want hangout b said something feel obligated told would rather guy full night chat silent since burden people probably hangout feel morally obligated waste space probably dramatic acting like child seeking attention know post waste away void nothing genuine always lonely,birthday saturday,matt man 2 k 17,2828,23,matt man 2 k 17 title say birthday saturday past 20 year never good birthday mom wa never stable birthday wa exception would either view birthday burden react specific way something would birthday act world collapsed around make huge deal appreciate bad parent maybe un greatful like always told regardless far back remember never good birthday recall vividly birthday party child one wanted really play party tried isolate table cake wa cut go well mom scalded front everyone birthday go remember sigh moan groan whenever mentioned last year one wished happy birthday family yes history show really care mom said celebrate birthday one gave birth later went pub knew could get tried get drunk could barley manage never felt alone room people like place unfamiliar knew regular regular knew well aquatinted yet still never felt alone ended contacting mate sell pot got high weed guy person genuinely wished happy birthday outside family flashforward present day life pretty decent business well album releasing soon clean bill health part realization set friend call j talking group chat saying want social stuff soon tell call b b going stuff friday could go something together chat go cold time pass moment later someone else chat call c say something friday everyone light agreeing b enters chat say birthday saturday going friday matt c responds fine everything hit feel like burden probably want hangout b said something feel obligated told would rather guy full night chat silent since burden people probably hangout feel morally obligated waste space probably dramatic acting like child seeking attention know post waste away void nothing genuine always lonely birthday saturday
So true,"I explained my hurt and still got hurt, so I chose silence",PablitoNJ,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsztq/so_true/,explained hurt still got hurt chose silence,true,p abl j,58,7,p abl j explained hurt still got hurt chose silence true
I wish to die,I wish I could die in a natural way or just die but not my killing myself I wouldn’t want to put my family through the pain of knowing I killer myself but sometimes I wish I could just get killed in a freak accident,nisha1028,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq2hn/i_wish_to_die/,wish could die natural way die killing want put family pain knowing killer sometimes wish could get killed freak accident,wish die,nish 1028,215,13,nish 1028 wish could die natural way die killing want put family pain knowing killer sometimes wish could get killed freak accident wish die
How to get motivation?,"Feel too tired even to play video games. This world empty and meaningless, only demotivation it gives, just go back to bed and sleep to next day",Thot_patrol_nanoda,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsy6k/how_to_get_motivation/,feel tired even play video game world empty meaningless demotivation give go back bed sleep next day,get motivation,thot patrol nano da,144,22,thot patrol nano da feel tired even play video game world empty meaningless demotivation give go back bed sleep next day get motivation
Why am I like this?,"Yesterday I stayed home from class because I didn't finish an assignment and when I told my parents they were mad. College is horrible. I can't get anything right and I feel like I'm in the wrong major, but it feels too late to change out for next semester.
During my time at home I couldn't stop myself from crying. I stayed in my room all day, not leaving for food or the bathroom. I just sat there and thought about ending it. I had a belt I could kill myself with. It felt like the only thing to do since I feel like I burden my family and friends. When I put the belt around my neck and pulled, I couldn't do it. I couldn't just leave.
My parents know I'm not doing good in school, but I could never tell them about what happened. I just need help but I feel weak or stupid going to get help. I really just wanna drop out and find a job I can work my way up from, but that'll disappoint my entire family.
I don't know why I do this shit to myself. I always act like an idiot and let everything fall apart around me. I don't know how to change myself. I don't want to feel like this anymore.",eh_mi,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdoly4/why_am_i_like_this/,yesterday stayed home class finish assignment told parent mad college horrible get anything right feel like wrong major feel late change next semester time home stop cry stayed room day leaving food bathroom sat thought ending belt could kill felt like thing since feel like burden family friend put belt around neck pulled leave parent know good school could never tell happened need help feel weak stupid going get help really wanna drop find job work way disappoint entire family know shit always act like idiot let everything fall apart around know change want feel like anymore,like,eh mi,1095,19,eh mi yesterday stayed home class finish assignment told parent mad college horrible get anything right feel like wrong major feel late change next semester time home stop cry stayed room day leaving food bathroom sat thought ending belt could kill felt like thing since feel like burden family friend put belt around neck pulled leave parent know good school could never tell happened need help feel weak stupid going get help really wanna drop find job work way disappoint entire family know shit always act like idiot let everything fall apart around know change want feel like anymore like
Please I just need to talk to someone,"I don't know how can I explain what I'mfeeling rn. All i know is just im all alone in this life. Im useless. No matter how hard i try, im always just not good enough. Not a good friend. Not a good daughter.not a good person. Just sucks that no one wants and needs ur presence. Just want to disappear",BloodyHell_95,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdv6t4/please_i_just_need_to_talk_to_someone/,know explain mfeeling rn know im alone life im useless matter hard try im always good enough good friend good daughter good person suck one want need ur presence want disappear,please need talk someone,bloody hell 95,299,37,bloody hell 95 know explain mfeeling rn know im alone life im useless matter hard try im always good enough good friend good daughter good person suck one want need ur presence want disappear please need talk someone
Today is one of those days where I wish I was hit by a truck to never wake up.,"I want to talk to someone who understands this feeling. I'm tired of hearing ''it's going to be okay''. I even tire myself saying it. I just want someone to hug me ad cry about this shitty life with me.... but I can't... I'm alone in this... at least physically. 

There's a reason why this subreddit has thousands of members. At least I'm not ''completely'' alone.",Pancakes_will2live,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpyz9/today_is_one_of_those_days_where_i_wish_i_was_hit/,want talk someone understands feeling tired hearing going okay even tire saying want someone hug ad cry shitty life alone least physically reason subreddit ha thousand member least completely alone,today one day wish wa hit truck never wake,pancake 2 live,365,78,pancake 2 live want talk someone understands feeling tired hearing going okay even tire saying want someone hug ad cry shitty life alone least physically reason subreddit ha thousand member least completely alone today one day wish wa hit truck never wake
[Advice please] I feel like I'm stuck in fog and I can't work out which way to go,"Hi, 

First post on this sub in a while but I'm at a loss of what to do

I'm so fed up of feeling numb and tired and like I don't want to exist and my brain is so fogged that I cant think straight

I'm trying everything - taking the pills, doing the therapy, seeking advice and just nothing seems to be helping

I don't like my job, but I also don't want to resign without anything else lined up and all of the experts and forums and advice systems just suggest trying to 'think in a more positive manner' and I'm really trying but it just feels hopeless, I get 5 minutes of 'maybe this will be OK!' then immediately back to the grey reality

I've started applying for new jobs as my current manager has suggested that we get through year end then if I'm still feeling the same way then perhaps I should look elsewhere

so I kind of don't see the point in actually trying until year end as if I'm not staying then who am I impressing?

I have a 1:1 later so I guess I'll find out if it's time to leave

​

has anyone had this ? can anyone help?

sorry just a brain dump

cheers",Lauraraptor,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsw3x/advice_please_i_feel_like_im_stuck_in_fog_and_i/,hi first post sub loss fed feeling numb tired like want exist brain fogged cant think straight trying everything taking pill therapy seeking advice nothing seems helping like job also want resign without anything else lined expert forum advice system suggest trying think positive manner really trying feel hopeless get 5 minute maybe ok immediately back grey reality started applying new job current manager ha suggested get year end still feeling way perhaps look elsewhere kind see point actually trying year end staying impressing 1 1 later guess find time leave amp x200b ha anyone anyone help sorry brain dump cheer,advice please feel like stuck fog work way go,laura raptor,1088,81,laura raptor hi first post sub loss fed feeling numb tired like want exist brain fogged cant think straight trying everything taking pill therapy seeking advice nothing seems helping like job also want resign without anything else lined expert forum advice system suggest trying think positive manner really trying feel hopeless get 5 minute maybe ok immediately back grey reality started applying new job current manager ha suggested get year end still feeling way perhaps look elsewhere kind see point actually trying year end staying impressing 1 1 later guess find time leave amp x200b ha anyone anyone help sorry brain dump cheer advice please feel like stuck fog work way go
I’ve never had this painful/angry feeling more in my heart than right now,"I (20 m) may or may not have depression and if I do it’s very mild, however that being said I feel this pain because I messed up the future I had with the girl I seriously would’ve hand crafted. I was madly in love with her but long distance made it not work in the end, I don’t have a problem moving on, but what’s hurts more than the break up did is finding out within a couple of months she’s met another guy, flew to him, and is planning on moving in with him. This could’ve so easily been me and her it’s painful. When we were together in person I can easily say that was the happiest 2 weeks of my life. Now I get it most people will think “just find someone else” but like some others I assume I am extremely picky. And then people will be like “just don’t be as picky” and my response is I will never be as happy with someone if I settle for less. 

I’ve never been this unhappy with living, what are good tips for turning this around and being happy again? There’s really only one thing I’m looking for in my life right now and that’s someone to connect to.",Actual-Anonymous-acc,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsvl9/ive_never_had_this_painfulangry_feeling_more_in/,20 may may depression mild however said feel pain messed future girl seriously would hand crafted wa madly love long distance made work end problem moving hurt break finding within couple month met another guy flew planning moving could easily painful together person easily say wa happiest 2 week life get people think find someone else like others assume extremely picky people like picky response never happy someone settle le never unhappy living good tip turning around happy really one thing looking life right someone connect,never painful angry feeling heart right,actual anonymous acc,1066,73,actual anonymous acc 20 may may depression mild however said feel pain messed future girl seriously would hand crafted wa madly love long distance made work end problem moving hurt break finding within couple month met another guy flew planning moving could easily painful together person easily say wa happiest 2 week life get people think find someone else like others assume extremely picky people like picky response never happy someone settle le never unhappy living good tip turning around happy really one thing looking life right someone connect never painful angry feeling heart right
19M Need Help Badly in Relationships,"Before I start I do got to say that I do not struggle with girls becoming interested in me since most of RateMe and many other places rate me at about 7.5-8 out of 10 for a male which is about average.
My main problem is keeping their interest in me.
A little background on me, I don't have many hobbies,dropped out of HS because of social anxiety and deppression,fathers dead,still living with mother, have no car nor license,and have no motivation whatsoever. So my life's a mess. 
So compared to most my age I'm lacking in pretty much everything, especially confidence. No friends really, so I'm mostly alone and feel like dying.
Thats why I came here, I need advice and need it bad because soon I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself because this pain keeps breaking me down and down and I don't know where to turn. 
So any help would be appreciated. I'm just so close to ending it I just need someone to talk to right now.",anon15489736,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpxg6/19m_need_help_badly_in_relationships/,start got say struggle girl becoming interested since rateme many place rate 7 5 8 10 male average main problem keeping interest little background many hobby dropped h social anxiety deppression father dead still living mother car license motivation whatsoever life mess compared age lacking pretty much everything especially confidence friend really mostly alone feel like dying thats came need advice need bad soon afraid going hurt pain keep breaking know turn help would appreciated close ending need someone talk right,19m need help badly relationship,15489736,924,36,15489736 start got say struggle girl becoming interested since rateme many place rate 7 5 8 10 male average main problem keeping interest little background many hobby dropped h social anxiety deppression father dead still living mother car license motivation whatsoever life mess compared age lacking pretty much everything especially confidence friend really mostly alone feel like dying thats came need advice need bad soon afraid going hurt pain keep breaking know turn help would appreciated close ending need someone talk right 19m need help badly relationship
Isolation,"Day after day. I’ve been isolated so long I’m beginning to actually despise people. I used to loathe the idea of hating all other humans but this isolation is starting to get to me.

I just expect the same from everyone I meat. It doesn’t matter anymore to me. It makes no difference weather I try or not. Everyone feels the same.

I thought I needed friends so I went out and talked to people. Nobody wants to hangout with me after school or work. I tried. My life is just pathetic no matter what I do and yes I never hang out with my so called friends.

I try way to hard with people because I just want them so badly to stay with me maybe that pushes them away.

I have no one.

I just want things to change...",__retardedlemon,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdngxx/isolation/,day day isolated long beginning actually despise people used loathe idea hating human isolation starting get expect everyone meat matter anymore make difference weather try everyone feel thought needed friend went talked people nobody want hangout school work tried life pathetic matter yes never hang called friend try way hard people want badly stay maybe push away one want thing change,isolation,retarded lemon,713,9,retarded lemon day day isolated long beginning actually despise people used loathe idea hating human isolation starting get expect everyone meat matter anymore make difference weather try everyone feel thought needed friend went talked people nobody want hangout school work tried life pathetic matter yes never hang called friend try way hard people want badly stay maybe push away one want thing change isolation
I tried to open up to family today,"I told my mom what I have been going through earlier today through text. We live on opposite sides of the country. But, well she called me to scream at me that I wasn’t depressed and that I’m faking it. She’s blocked my number. I’m told that family will always be there. I guess fucking not. I don’t know where to go. I think I’m just gonna give up here I have been cut away from family I don’t have any friends and I’m so fucking tired of being alive",floorecent-stare,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrmic/i_tried_to_open_up_to_family_today/,told mom going earlier today text live opposite side country well called scream depressed faking blocked number told family always guess fucking know go think gonna give cut away family friend fucking tired alive,tried open family today,floor e cent stare,451,34,floor e cent stare told mom going earlier today text live opposite side country well called scream depressed faking blocked number told family always guess fucking know go think gonna give cut away family friend fucking tired alive tried open family today
How do I deal with parents that basically just punish me for being depressed?,"Because I am so tired of this shit. I've tried to sit them down and explains syuff to them. It didn't work. Never works. 

They don't outright say that they're punishing me because I'm depressed, but the things I do or don't do because I'm depressed get punished. I have bad grades, I'm failing in almost everything. I'm trying but with depression is really hard. You know what I get for trying? My phone and videogames taken away. I can't fall asleep at night because of anxiety. You know what I get for having nightly panic attacks? Yelled at for ""staying up all night."" You know what I get for having trouble keeping my room clean? Grounded. 

Tommorow I'm losing my phone because my grades are bad. Ignore the fact that I'm trying, yeah let's only care about a damn letter of the alphabet because THAT makes more sense than a flippin living person! t(-_-  )t

I don't even like my phone that much. I'm not one of those people who are super addicted or nothing. But my phone is a coping mechanism. Without being able to vent or watch some relaxing video to calm me down I'm probably just gonna end up cutting myself.

What should I do? Or should I just suck it up and deal with their butts for the next few years? Which, I don't know if I could survive the latter.",cockersPAINel,11,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdod7x/how_do_i_deal_with_parents_that_basically_just/,tired shit tried sit explains syuff work never work outright say punishing depressed thing depressed get punished bad grade failing almost everything trying depression really hard know get trying phone videogames taken away fall asleep night anxiety know get nightly panic attack yelled staying night know get trouble keeping room clean grounded tommorow losing phone grade bad ignore fact trying yeah let care damn letter alphabet make sense flippin living person _ even like phone much one people super addicted nothing phone coping mechanism without able vent watch relaxing video calm probably gonna end cutting suck deal butt next year know could survive latter,deal parent basically punish depressed,cocker spain el,1267,77,cocker spain el tired shit tried sit explains syuff work never work outright say punishing depressed thing depressed get punished bad grade failing almost everything trying depression really hard know get trying phone videogames taken away fall asleep night anxiety know get nightly panic attack yelled staying night know get trouble keeping room clean grounded tommorow losing phone grade bad ignore fact trying yeah let care damn letter alphabet make sense flippin living person _ even like phone much one people super addicted nothing phone coping mechanism without able vent watch relaxing video calm probably gonna end cutting suck deal butt next year know could survive latter deal parent basically punish depressed
gambling,"I'm supposed to take one pill every night to help me sleep but I wonder if I just fucking take like 5. I don't give a shit. No one else gives a shit either. Maybe tomorrow it'll be 2, the the next day 6 then maybe I'll do 9 if I'm still alive. I dont care. Nothing feels good.",chadthenotsotough,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdspwm/gambling/,supposed take one pill every night help sleep wonder fucking take like 5 give shit one else give shit either maybe tomorrow 2 next day 6 maybe 9 still alive dont care nothing feel good,gambling,chad tough,276,8,chad tough supposed take one pill every night help sleep wonder fucking take like 5 give shit one else give shit either maybe tomorrow 2 next day 6 maybe 9 still alive dont care nothing feel good gambling
Feeling so broken because of my illnesses.,"Since I started college, my life has gone downhill because of my health. I’m only 21, but I have multiple illnesses that will only make life miserable for me. On top of depression and anxiety, I also have chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic pelvic pain syndrome, migraines, and porn-induced erectile dysfunction. I hate my life and just want to die.",sickboy789,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrft2/feeling_so_broken_because_of_my_illnesses/,since started college life ha gone downhill health 21 multiple illness make life miserable top depression anxiety also chronic fatigue syndrome chronic pelvic pain syndrome migraine porn induced erectile dysfunction hate life want die,feeling broken illness,sick boy 789,347,42,sick boy 789 since started college life ha gone downhill health 21 multiple illness make life miserable top depression anxiety also chronic fatigue syndrome chronic pelvic pain syndrome migraine porn induced erectile dysfunction hate life want die feeling broken illness
"I might lose the only person in the world who truly loves me, my mom, and I don’t think I can go on without her...","My mom is literary the only person in the world who truly cares about me. For everyone else, I pretty much just exist in the background, or people just use me. I have had periods of intense depression in my life and there have been so many times when I’ve contemplated self harm, but never dared to actually take action just because I thought about how much my mom loves me and how sad she would be if I hurt myself. She has done so much for me, & I don’t think I could ever be half as good a mom as she was. When I was in the hospital for pretty much a whole year in tremendous pain, I never even had 1 visitor, but I didn’t really care that my friends didn’t visit me for a year, because she never left me and that was more than enough.  

The past month or so, she’s been suffering with her own health issues, which have now grown so severe the doctors are almost positive it’s cancer or ALS. I’m trying to keep my hopes up that this is just some kind of short term problem, but every day it worsens, the more I can’t stop myself from thinking about the possibility of life without her. And that’s a thought that I cannot bear. Life would be pointless and I would truly be all on my own. I want nothing more than to be able to take away her pain.",aak210,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdre6g/i_might_lose_the_only_person_in_the_world_who/,mom literary person world truly care everyone else pretty much exist background people use period intense depression life many time contemplated self harm never dared actually take action thought much mom love sad would hurt ha done much amp think could ever half good mom wa wa hospital pretty much whole year tremendous pain never even 1 visitor really care friend visit year never left wa enough past month suffering health issue grown severe doctor almost positive cancer al trying keep hope kind short term problem every day worsens stop thinking possibility life without thought cannot bear life would pointless would truly want nothing able take away pain,might lose person world truly love mom think go without,ak 210,1253,114,ak 210 mom literary person world truly care everyone else pretty much exist background people use period intense depression life many time contemplated self harm never dared actually take action thought much mom love sad would hurt ha done much amp think could ever half good mom wa wa hospital pretty much whole year tremendous pain never even 1 visitor really care friend visit year never left wa enough past month suffering health issue grown severe doctor almost positive cancer al trying keep hope kind short term problem every day worsens stop thinking possibility life without thought cannot bear life would pointless would truly want nothing able take away pain might lose person world truly love mom think go without
I am freaking out constantly and I’m so lonely,"Even when I’m around people I’m lonely. I feel crazy. I can’t stop looking back at my awful life, I must have such poor judgment",helpjustcut,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrd0n/i_am_freaking_out_constantly_and_im_so_lonely/,even around people lonely feel crazy stop looking back awful life must poor judgment,freaking constantly lonely,help cut,128,46,help cut even around people lonely feel crazy stop looking back awful life must poor judgment freaking constantly lonely
I want to stop existing,"I have made small effort in trying to fix my self esteem, but it’s so hard and it feels impossible because I believe all my negative thoughts. I think I’m ugly, huge, boring, and unfunny person. I put up a good front when I talk to people that I don’t even think anyone knows how much I just want to stop living. I haven’t made any suicide attempts, but some nights I start thinking about how lonely I am. No one in high school liked me very much, lots of rumors would be spread about me. So after I graduated I didn’t keep many friends. I get it though, I’m boring. I don’t even daydream anymore about me living in a better mental state, surrounded by fun loving people. I thought it was stupid for me to live inside my head, so I stopped. But that was one of the things that would help me fall asleep better. I used to be a hopeless romantic but now I am convinced no one will ever love me. I don’t have crushes anymore because thinking about relationships sucks because I always put myself under a microscope and find everything wrong about me. I am alone, I can’t even bring up conservations about my mental health to my mom because she thinks I’m doing it for attention. I subconsciously probably am. I just don’t want to be here anymore, why did I have to be born. If I was really depressed I would have killed myself already, I don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t think I’ll get better it’s been this way for almost 3 years.  It’s so unfortunate that I exist and can’t disappear from peoples minds. Have any of you seen eternal sunshine for the spotless mind? You know how you can be erased from someone’s memory in that movie? If that were real I would of erased my sisters memory and my aunts  so they don’t have to feel pain when I kill myself",forestgreen19,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdshsv/i_want_to_stop_existing/,made small effort trying fix self esteem hard feel impossible believe negative thought think ugly huge boring unfunny person put good front talk people even think anyone know much want stop living made suicide attempt night start thinking lonely one high school liked much lot rumor would spread graduated keep many friend get though boring even daydream anymore living better mental state surrounded fun loving people thought wa stupid live inside head stopped wa one thing would help fall asleep better used hopeless romantic convinced one ever love crush anymore thinking relationship suck always put microscope find everything wrong alone even bring conservation mental health mom think attention subconsciously probably want anymore born wa really depressed would killed already know feel like think get better way almost 3 year unfortunate exist disappear people mind seen eternal sunshine spotless mind know erased someone memory movie real would erased sister memory aunt feel pain kill,want stop existing,forest green 19,1758,23,forest green 19 made small effort trying fix self esteem hard feel impossible believe negative thought think ugly huge boring unfunny person put good front talk people even think anyone know much want stop living made suicide attempt night start thinking lonely one high school liked much lot rumor would spread graduated keep many friend get though boring even daydream anymore living better mental state surrounded fun loving people thought wa stupid live inside head stopped wa one thing would help fall asleep better used hopeless romantic convinced one ever love crush anymore thinking relationship suck always put microscope find everything wrong alone even bring conservation mental health mom think attention subconsciously probably want anymore born wa really depressed would killed already know feel like think get better way almost 3 year unfortunate exist disappear people mind seen eternal sunshine spotless mind know erased someone memory movie real would erased sister memory aunt feel pain kill want stop existing
I wish I was someone else.,"I wish I was prettier. I wish I didn’t feel like a burden, I wish I wasn’t so broken. I wish I was more charismatic and not weird around strangers and I wish I wasn’t so nice. I wish I didn’t feel like I’m a loser with a pathetic, boring life. I wish I wasn’t so hard to make friends with and I just wish I was different.",Throwawaybluestahli,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq9kz/i_wish_i_was_someone_else/,wish wa prettier wish feel like burden wish broken wish wa charismatic weird around stranger wish nice wish feel like loser pathetic boring life wish hard make friend wish wa different,wish wa someone else,throwaway bluest ahli,321,26,throwaway bluest ahli wish wa prettier wish feel like burden wish broken wish wa charismatic weird around stranger wish nice wish feel like loser pathetic boring life wish hard make friend wish wa different wish wa someone else
Is it just me?,I’m not sure if it’s just me but do you guys ever have the thought that maybe you’re just faking all this and overreacting and you’ve worried everyone for nothing?,kang1227,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnxqt/is_it_just_me/,sure guy ever thought maybe faking overreacting worried everyone nothing,,kang 1227,163,14,kang 1227 sure guy ever thought maybe faking overreacting worried everyone nothing 
"I tried falling in love, now I'm even more broken","I'm 24 years old. I've consisrently failed at pursuing all my dreams. A year or so ago I broke up with my ex girlfriend. I met her 2-3 years ago, memory is getting foggy, I'm sure y'all understand. Before that I was lied to, cheated on by the few other girls I'd been with. She dropped into my life out of nowhere. I met her online and at first we were both apprehensive... I didn't want to get hurt more but she was there for me. She helped me see therapists for my disorders, she helped me get out of bed and go to work every morning. We lived in different timezones and she would stay up through the night to wake me up in the morning to hear my voice. I fell in love with her. She said she loved me too. I flew her to where I lived and she took two weeks off her work which she takes seriously. She maintained she loved me, things were even better than she had hoped. After she left everything started slowly crumbling. I was getting worse without her and she couldn't deal. She couldn't deal being away from me, according to her, and I could see my disorders were bringing her down, even when I was on antidepressants. She eventually broke up with me. And it's been a year, and I'm living with someone else. She's living with someone else too. I don't feel anything anymore guys... I just try to not cry every day. I'm not fucking happy. I miss her and we text occasionally, she knows what she wants, and it's not me. I've lost interest in even sex now, worse than with the SSRIs. I really don't know how to keep going. I tried moving on, I tried changing homes, I tried pursuing passions but everything just falls short. I feel like I'm just pretending I care about things in hope that I eventually will and this torture will end. I just hope I don't have to live this fucking broken.",saurus99,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr55d/i_tried_falling_in_love_now_im_even_more_broken/,24 year old consisrently failed pursuing dream year ago broke ex girlfriend met 2 3 year ago memory getting foggy sure understand wa lied cheated girl dropped life nowhere met online first apprehensive want get hurt wa helped see therapist disorder helped get bed go work every morning lived different timezones would stay night wake morning hear voice fell love said loved flew lived took two week work take seriously maintained loved thing even better hoped left everything started slowly crumbling wa getting worse without deal deal away according could see disorder bringing even wa antidepressant eventually broke year living someone else living someone else feel anything anymore guy try cry every day fucking happy miss text occasionally know want lost interest even sex worse ssri really know keep going tried moving tried changing home tried pursuing passion everything fall short feel like pretending care thing hope eventually torture end hope live fucking broken,tried falling love even broken,urus 99,1790,49,urus 99 24 year old consisrently failed pursuing dream year ago broke ex girlfriend met 2 3 year ago memory getting foggy sure understand wa lied cheated girl dropped life nowhere met online first apprehensive want get hurt wa helped see therapist disorder helped get bed go work every morning lived different timezones would stay night wake morning hear voice fell love said loved flew lived took two week work take seriously maintained loved thing even better hoped left everything started slowly crumbling wa getting worse without deal deal away according could see disorder bringing even wa antidepressant eventually broke year living someone else living someone else feel anything anymore guy try cry every day fucking happy miss text occasionally know want lost interest even sex worse ssri really know keep going tried moving tried changing home tried pursuing passion everything fall short feel like pretending care thing hope eventually torture end hope live fucking broken tried falling love even broken
"see mom, it's not a phrase!",I'm a grown ass adult and still want to fucking kill myself every single day!,[deleted],14,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fddjdm/see_mom_its_not_a_phrase/,grown adult still want fucking kill every single day,see mom phrase,deleted,77,27,deleted grown adult still want fucking kill every single day see mom phrase
Looking for stories of people how recovered 100% from depression,Did anyone recover 100%? It would give me hope to know anyone did! Thank you very much!!! Have a good day!,DiligentPhotograph,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds9st/looking_for_stories_of_people_how_recovered_100/,anyone recover 100 would give hope know anyone thank much good day,looking story people recovered 100 depression,diligent photograph,106,64,diligent photograph anyone recover 100 would give hope know anyone thank much good day looking story people recovered 100 depression
Can’t stop sleeping,"When I’m asleep I can’t feel like I’m drowning like I constantly feel I am. I feel so empty and lost on a daily basis and just hide behind a fake smile. I don’t have the drive anymore. I feel so alone in this world. Don’t have anyone to talk to or anything..  I’ve asked my “friends” if they wanted to go to six flags cause I have a season pass and can get people in super cheap
Or free and they all just dust me off.  It’s sucks.",nocturnalwonderlands,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds8dj/cant_stop_sleeping/,asleep feel like drowning like constantly feel feel empty lost daily basis hide behind fake smile drive anymore feel alone world anyone talk anything asked friend wanted go six flag cause season pas get people super cheap free dust suck,stop sleeping,nocturnal wonderland,430,19,nocturnal wonderland asleep feel like drowning like constantly feel feel empty lost daily basis hide behind fake smile drive anymore feel alone world anyone talk anything asked friend wanted go six flag cause season pas get people super cheap free dust suck stop sleeping
Still hurtin,"Can't shake the thoughts. Sometimes I just go outside at night and look at the moon, hoping that she's lookin too. Anything to convince myself there's still some connection. No need to respond just getting thoughts out of my head. It helps a bit.",Clearlynotchocolate,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds87f/still_hurtin/,shake thought sometimes go outside night look moon hoping lookin anything convince still connection need respond getting thought head help bit,still hurtin,clearly chocolate,246,12,clearly chocolate shake thought sometimes go outside night look moon hoping lookin anything convince still connection need respond getting thought head help bit still hurtin
Doors,When you are at ur current state taking up a hard course and u foresaw that you wouldnt make it in the long run and a door out opens for you and turns out that a toxic key member of the family shuts it. And now  youre left out there to survive and all the things you had foreseen is now happening and now slowly eating your mental health away.. like why is everybody progressing except me?,PEPEthePLUMBER,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds84h/doors/,ur current state taking hard course u foresaw wouldnt make long run door open turn toxic key member family shuts youre left survive thing foreseen happening slowly eating mental health away like everybody progressing except,door,pepe plumber,389,5,pepe plumber ur current state taking hard course u foresaw wouldnt make long run door open turn toxic key member family shuts youre left survive thing foreseen happening slowly eating mental health away like everybody progressing except door
I just want it all to end,"Last year i got done with my senior highschool year and despite working soo hard for since june till the next june, studying hours daily i ended up falling short of the percentage i needed to enter the major i wanted to which is computer science and let myself and my family down. I had to major in finances since it was my only choice and i am hating it. Moreover i am hating the fact that i am living with myself as a failure, i never achieve anygoals that i want and i never get anywhere. I have OCD which i am taking medication and therapy for and it has been kicking in so hard lately with all the negativity making me go crazy. I am always depressed and my family is disappointed from me. I just feel like a burden now on every body around me i always have breakdowns and my family always blasts me for it. All my relatives are engineers and other good majors and jobs and i am stuck in this. i am sorry if my writing isnt organized but i am so disoriented right now. I feel like if i just die i would relief every body around me from my burden and relief them from the shame of having me. I cant stand living with my self knowing that i an a complete and utter failure. I dont deserve anything. I will never get anywhere in life i just want it all to end. i just want to die i cant live with myself anymore. And it is a relief knowing that when i die no one will care as i dont want to hurt anyone. I have no friends, my family wish they didnt have me. My relatives didnt even care to call or visit me when i was hospitalized after a cycling accident. I just wish to die and be forgotten instead of living in misery and burdening my family. I dont want to kill my self because i am a bit religious and suicide is prohibited in my religion but i wish i could. I just want to die i cant live anymore. I hate my self. I hate seeing my self in the mirror every morning.I hatr waking up and knowing i am still alive. i cry my self to sleep every might wishing i never wakeup again but i still do. I dont know where to escape or where to go with all my shame and deprisson. I wish i would die this instant. I need help but nothing can help me.",shadowKilzz,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds6sv/i_just_want_it_all_to_end/,last year got done senior highschool year despite working soo hard since june till next june studying hour daily ended falling short percentage needed enter major wanted computer science let family major finance since wa choice hating moreover hating fact living failure never achieve anygoals want never get anywhere ocd taking medication therapy ha kicking hard lately negativity making go crazy always depressed family disappointed feel like burden every body around always breakdown family always blast relative engineer good major job stuck sorry writing isnt organized disoriented right feel like die would relief every body around burden relief shame cant stand living self knowing complete utter failure dont deserve anything never get anywhere life want end want die cant live anymore relief knowing die one care dont want hurt anyone friend family wish didnt relative didnt even care call visit wa hospitalized cycling accident wish die forgotten instead living misery burdening family dont want kill self bit religious suicide prohibited religion wish could want die cant live anymore hate self hate seeing self mirror every morning hatr waking knowing still alive cry self sleep every might wishing never wakeup still dont know escape go shame deprisson wish would die instant need help nothing help,want end,shadow k il zz,2144,25,shadow k il zz last year got done senior highschool year despite working soo hard since june till next june studying hour daily ended falling short percentage needed enter major wanted computer science let family major finance since wa choice hating moreover hating fact living failure never achieve anygoals want never get anywhere ocd taking medication therapy ha kicking hard lately negativity making go crazy always depressed family disappointed feel like burden every body around always breakdown family always blast relative engineer good major job stuck sorry writing isnt organized disoriented right feel like die would relief every body around burden relief shame cant stand living self knowing complete utter failure dont deserve anything never get anywhere life want end want die cant live anymore relief knowing die one care dont want hurt anyone friend family wish didnt relative didnt even care call visit wa hospitalized cycling accident wish die forgotten instead living misery burdening family dont want kill self bit religious suicide prohibited religion wish could want die cant live anymore hate self hate seeing self mirror every morning hatr waking knowing still alive cry self sleep every might wishing never wakeup still dont know escape go shame deprisson wish would die instant need help nothing help want end
I hate my self,"There isn't anything i like about myself. I hate my skin color, i hate my body, i hate how i cant lose weight, i hate how anti-social i am, i hate how dumb i am, i hate my anxiety, i hate how i can make other people laugh but not myself, i hate how lonely i am. There isn't a damn thing i like about myself. Its like when i was being created, i was given all the bad things in life. I just want a new life.",Talking_About_Stuff,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdowt5/i_hate_my_self/,anything like hate skin color hate body hate cant lose weight hate anti social hate dumb hate anxiety hate make people laugh hate lonely damn thing like like wa created wa given bad thing life want new life,hate self,talking stuff,406,14,talking stuff anything like hate skin color hate body hate cant lose weight hate anti social hate dumb hate anxiety hate make people laugh hate lonely damn thing like like wa created wa given bad thing life want new life hate self
Hiding the void behind lies.,"I've never written on reddit before. I'm not sure what I'm expecting from doing this. I guess a feeling of release. I've been suppressing my feelings to put on a show for everyone else. That despite this year bringing me the hardest time of my life, I'm being strong, I'm being resilient. But the truth is I'm not. When I interact with people, I'm the bubbly, smiley persona that is expected of me. But as soon as I'm alone, my face is blank, my emotions are numb and all of the feelings I'm pushing down resurface. My expression completely changes when I'm alone. Im a different person. A person no one knows. But the facade is starting to fall apart. I dont want to do this anymore but no one cares about the girl behind the mask..",okiguess90,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds3z8/hiding_the_void_behind_lies/,never written reddit sure expecting guess feeling release suppressing feeling put show everyone else despite year bringing hardest time life strong resilient truth interact people bubbly smiley persona expected soon alone face blank emotion numb feeling pushing resurface expression completely change alone im different person person one know facade starting fall apart dont want anymore one care girl behind mask,hiding void behind lie,oki guess 90,733,28,oki guess 90 never written reddit sure expecting guess feeling release suppressing feeling put show everyone else despite year bringing hardest time life strong resilient truth interact people bubbly smiley persona expected soon alone face blank emotion numb feeling pushing resurface expression completely change alone im different person person one know facade starting fall apart dont want anymore one care girl behind mask hiding void behind lie
I hate myself for being me.,Im literally not good at anything... I have no skills whatsoever. Im 19 and I still live off my parents money. I have no job. I don't go to school. Everytime I try to better myself I give up halfway.  Im the biggest disappointment ever. I just fucking hate it. I wish I were just dead already.,xEmbracePain,12,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fde215/i_hate_myself_for_being_me/,im literally good anything skill whatsoever im 19 still live parent money job go school everytime try better give halfway im biggest disappointment ever fucking hate wish dead already,hate,x embrace pain,293,27,x embrace pain im literally good anything skill whatsoever im 19 still live parent money job go school everytime try better give halfway im biggest disappointment ever fucking hate wish dead already hate
hope l die soon hahahahahha,"don´t agree 

​

Spotify account[https://open.spotify.com/user/iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e?si=fx7lKbdMSrC6Omrh7myTtA](https://open.spotify.com/user/iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e?si=fx7lKbdMSrC6Omrh7myTtA) 

playlist [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=USIoiZo8QdSX56k1zg\_lwQ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=USIoiZo8QdSX56k1zg_lwQ)",outakuslayer69,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fds10b/hope_l_die_soon_hahahahahha/,agree amp x200b spotify account http open spotify com user iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e si fx7lkbdmsrc6omrh7mytta http open spotify com user iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e si fx7lkbdmsrc6omrh7mytta playlist http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si usioizo8qdsx56k1zg _lwq http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si usioizo8qdsx56k1zg_lwq,hope l die soon hahahahahha,aku slayer 69,390,27,aku slayer 69 agree amp x200b spotify account http open spotify com user iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e si fx7lkbdmsrc6omrh7mytta http open spotify com user iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e si fx7lkbdmsrc6omrh7mytta playlist http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si usioizo8qdsx56k1zg _lwq http open spotify com playlist 2yu2ynndftds8ki6yjlmdu si usioizo8qdsx56k1zg_lwq hope l die soon hahahahahha
I told my dad about my depression/suicidal thoughts,We ended up arguing and he told me I was spoilt and I was being manipulative?? I started crying and kept repeating the same things over and over again. I'm so extremely embarrassed and I wish more than anything I hadn't told him. I feel stupid and pathetic because of how much I kept repeating myself...,Senior_Photo,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdigcl/i_told_my_dad_about_my_depressionsuicidal_thoughts/,ended arguing told wa spoilt wa manipulative started cry kept repeating thing extremely embarrassed wish anything told feel stupid pathetic much kept repeating,told dad depression suicidal thought,senior photo,303,51,senior photo ended arguing told wa spoilt wa manipulative started cry kept repeating thing extremely embarrassed wish anything told feel stupid pathetic much kept repeating told dad depression suicidal thought
Depression is like,"Depression is like sand is being poured down your throat and in order to heal, you need to cough it all out.",sore_cabbage,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdln5h/depression_is_like/,depression like sand poured throat order heal need cough,depression like,sore cabbage,108,18,sore cabbage depression like sand poured throat order heal need cough depression like
I was told I am going to die early. I’m neither motivated or defeated.,"I have been clinically depressed for 3 years. Actually, it’s just been pushing through and demanding solitude because I’ve run out of people to talk to. 

I have heart disease but Ihave slowly been losing weight and eating better. My doctor asked me the routine questions:

“What degree are you graduating with?”

“Is there good money in that? Enough to buy a home?” 

Then she says 

“It doesn’t matter what degree you get, if you become an engineer, or how much money you plan on getting.  You’ll be dead so early that you won’t be able to even attempt to achieve or enjoy any of it” 

She was not authorized to give her personal opinion. Some part of me wants her to be right.",SGAFPKM,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn6uh/i_was_told_i_am_going_to_die_early_im_neither/,clinically depressed 3 year actually pushing demanding solitude run people talk heart disease ihave slowly losing weight eating better doctor asked routine question degree graduating good money enough buy home say matter degree get become engineer much money plan getting dead early able even attempt achieve enjoy wa authorized give personal opinion part want right,wa told going die early neither motivated defeated,sg afp km,679,70,sg afp km clinically depressed 3 year actually pushing demanding solitude run people talk heart disease ihave slowly losing weight eating better doctor asked routine question degree graduating good money enough buy home say matter degree get become engineer much money plan getting dead early able even attempt achieve enjoy wa authorized give personal opinion part want right wa told going die early neither motivated defeated
I have visions of seeing myself die in various ways...,"I walk my dog, I look in the street and see myself getting hit by a car...

I go to the beach, and I watch as my body falls off of a nearby cliff into the water...

I look in the mirror, and I see me slitting my own throat with a sadistic smile on my face...

I walk down the street and see a man run up to me and shoot me in the stomach...

It happens ALL THE TIME. It’s scary, but I see it so much that I’m kind of desensitized by it, if that makes sense. But every once in a while it scares me to death. 

Anyone else have this happen to them? These visions or hallucinations that seem SO REAL even though you know it’s not?",HoboSnobo,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdryja/i_have_visions_of_seeing_myself_die_in_various/,walk dog look street see getting hit car go beach watch body fall nearby cliff water look mirror see slitting throat sadistic smile face walk street see man run shoot stomach happens time scary see much kind desensitized make sense every scare death anyone else happen vision hallucination seem real even though know,vision seeing die various way,hobo bo,627,54,hobo bo walk dog look street see getting hit car go beach watch body fall nearby cliff water look mirror see slitting throat sadistic smile face walk street see man run shoot stomach happens time scary see much kind desensitized make sense every scare death anyone else happen vision hallucination seem real even though know vision seeing die various way
the only thing keeping me alive is my plan to die in 2 weeks,"I really cannot do this anymore. It's like my suffering has spread onto those I love and I'm at a point where I can no longer put on a fake smile. I can no longer pretend that I'm okay because I'm not. I  hate seeing my friends and family hurt for me and it breaks my heart seeing them feel so helpless.

My life is such a failure and I've already ruined it so much that there's literally no point in going on. I fall asleep crying every night because I realized that I'm the problem here and my existence only makes the lives of others worse. People keep telling me how much they love me and how much I have to live for and while that does mean something to me, it's not enough to make me want to live. With my existence, I hurt people and with my death, I'll hurt people, so what's the point? At least if I die eventually the hurt will begin to fade (or so I hope). I just want the people I love to live a life without worries or hurt and all I do is hurt them. 

I have 2 more weeks to finish this quarter of school. Before I decide to end my ""wonderful"" life I just want to finish this one quarter, not that I'm going to achieve anything. I just want to push through these last 2 weeks but even that's been extremely difficult. I cry every single day in agony that I have to live another day and it's so hard trying to even study for exams because I have no ability to concentrate or take anything in. All that I want to do is be ridden of this pain.",umm_okay_now_what,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrwla/the_only_thing_keeping_me_alive_is_my_plan_to_die/,really cannot anymore like suffering ha spread onto love point longer put fake smile longer pretend okay hate seeing friend family hurt break heart seeing feel helpless life failure already ruined much literally point going fall asleep cry every night realized problem existence make life others worse people keep telling much love much live doe mean something enough make want live existence hurt people death hurt people point least die eventually hurt begin fade hope want people love live life without worry hurt hurt 2 week finish quarter school decide end wonderful life want finish one quarter going achieve anything want push last 2 week even extremely difficult cry every single day agony live another day hard trying even study exam ability concentrate take anything want ridden pain,thing keeping alive plan die 2 week,umm okay,1454,60,umm okay really cannot anymore like suffering ha spread onto love point longer put fake smile longer pretend okay hate seeing friend family hurt break heart seeing feel helpless life failure already ruined much literally point going fall asleep cry every night realized problem existence make life others worse people keep telling much love much live doe mean something enough make want live existence hurt people death hurt people point least die eventually hurt begin fade hope want people love live life without worry hurt hurt 2 week finish quarter school decide end wonderful life want finish one quarter going achieve anything want push last 2 week even extremely difficult cry every single day agony live another day hard trying even study exam ability concentrate take anything want ridden pain thing keeping alive plan die 2 week
Why can't I find treatment?,"I was going to a doctor who just wanted to prescribe medication, but none of it seemed to really help. And my previous doctor was the same. I tried with no luck to self refer to some mental health places but nothing panned out. I changed insurance recently and had to switch doctors. They referred me to a place which both me and my doctor were under the impression would handle medication and therapy.

So I scheduled a needs assessment and thought, ""finally."" But after the needs assessment they just wanted to refer me to more places. I tried calling most of them and they were either full with long wait lists, no longer existed(maybe wrong number provided) or no answer.

I called my doctor back and they sent a referral to another place, and told me I should get a call within the week. Its been 3 weeks now and no call.

Im starting to think finding treatment is hopeless. And jumping through hoops just to find a potential match is just draining.",Yesn1122,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnqvy/why_cant_i_find_treatment/,wa going doctor wanted prescribe medication none seemed really help previous doctor wa tried luck self refer mental health place nothing panned changed insurance recently switch doctor referred place doctor impression would handle medication therapy scheduled need assessment thought finally need assessment wanted refer place tried calling either full long wait list longer existed maybe wrong number provided answer called doctor back sent referral another place told get call within week 3 week call im starting think finding treatment hopeless jumping hoop find potential match draining,find treatment,yes n 1122,954,27,yes n 1122 wa going doctor wanted prescribe medication none seemed really help previous doctor wa tried luck self refer mental health place nothing panned changed insurance recently switch doctor referred place doctor impression would handle medication therapy scheduled need assessment thought finally need assessment wanted refer place tried calling either full long wait list longer existed maybe wrong number provided answer called doctor back sent referral another place told get call within week 3 week call im starting think finding treatment hopeless jumping hoop find potential match draining find treatment
Mental health issues. Another self rant,"Late night bread and milk is keeping me up until the late night shiw ends. But there's a fucken police standoff on the television but it looks like theyre going to apprehend the suspect. Im lost. Living alone in this world. Insanity is ky healing force. My aunt from vegas is over. And all my other aunts are in converstaion with her fir hours.. and hours... 

Like how can you do it? How can I do it if I only talk about me. Im 26. And to be this held back is no joke. Sometimes I wish I would have dies when I dropped acid or inhaled party ballons...",Trowit25away,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrpgs/mental_health_issues_another_self_rant/,late night bread milk keeping late night shiw end fucken police standoff television look like theyre going apprehend suspect im lost living alone world insanity ky healing force aunt vega aunt converstaion fir hour hour like talk im 26 held back joke sometimes wish would dy dropped acid inhaled party ballons,mental health issue another self rant,row 25 away,552,39,row 25 away late night bread milk keeping late night shiw end fucken police standoff television look like theyre going apprehend suspect im lost living alone world insanity ky healing force aunt vega aunt converstaion fir hour hour like talk im 26 held back joke sometimes wish would dy dropped acid inhaled party ballons mental health issue another self rant
killing myself over little things,"when I feel really fucking negative (actually even if I'm not feeling negative) it takes the slightest thing to make go try to kill myself. an example of this is when in PE I couldn't do any push-ups then I gave up and tried to kill myself. then someone asks me what's wrong:
them: what's wrong
me: (visibly upset) nothing
them: I know there is something
me: fine. I'm going to kill myself
them: nooo why?
me: ...

I can't tell them what because they say I'm faking and I'm doing ut for attention so I'm lost. Doesn't help there's a girl at my school who copies me but isn't actually depressed.
she says Oh I gOt TeStEd AgEs AgO aNd OnLy JuSt FoUnD OuT
but she's been saying she has a depression for years so hmmm.",AmelieAnimation,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrini/killing_myself_over_little_things/,feel really fucking negative actually even feeling negative take slightest thing make go try kill example pe push ups gave tried kill someone asks wrong wrong visibly upset nothing know something fine going kill nooo tell say faking ut attention lost help girl school copy actually depressed say oh got tested age ago found saying ha depression year hmmm,killing little thing,amelie animation,714,33,amelie animation feel really fucking negative actually even feeling negative take slightest thing make go try kill example pe push ups gave tried kill someone asks wrong wrong visibly upset nothing know something fine going kill nooo tell say faking ut attention lost help girl school copy actually depressed say oh got tested age ago found saying ha depression year hmmm killing little thing
"No matter which path in life I take, I will be unhappy","I don't know if anyone will even read this, but I need to vent somewhere. For some background, I am now living back in my home state, in an unhappy situation, because I wanted to come back and finish up school and so that I could be around my family.

Originally, I moved away for a few years. I was unhappy before I left my home, and I found real happiness out west in Colorado for a time. I began traveling around, working seasonal jobs at ski resorts and in national parks, and I really enjoyed it for awhile. I just wanted to keep traveling, but then the realities of life set in.

I didn't have a degree, I wasn't in any sort of high-paying jobs, and I was struggling to make it paycheck to paycheck. Despite all of this, I was still relatively happy. Eventually though, I realized that I missed my family and my old friends terribly, and decided to move back so that I could be around them and get an education.

Fast forward to now. I'm 26 years old, living at my dad's house, working in an unfulfilling job that pays terribly, while I wait for my first semester of school to start. I feel like an absolute failure because I won't even have a degree until I'm 30. I won't start my career until almost a decade after everyone else did. I miss what I was doing and the places I traveled through so terribly much. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself by being back here and I left it out west.

I have considered moving back, but I have no idea how I would afford it, and I don't see any career opportunities for me outside of dead-end, low paying jobs out there. Also, if I don't do school now, then I don't think I ever will. If I moved back out, I would just go back to seeing my family once a year for two or three days, and I love them so much. That was the hardest part of being out there, and I want to be able to see them regularly. I'm extremely close to my parents, and I don't want to miss a moment with them, because I realize that they will be gone some day. Every moment with them is precious.

But, I feel like I'm slowly dying here. I am turned into a depressed, cynical person who cannot see the good in life anymore. Everything is negative, and the people around me in this state are so ignorant and offensive. I don't belong here, and I don't know what to do. Grappling with this indecision has been so unbelievably hard on me.

If I stay, then I will just become more and more unhappy. If I leave, then I will never be able to see my parents, and I will be unhappy again because of that. I can't take it anymore. Looking ahead, my life seems like it is going to be one endless stream of depression and I honestly just want it to end.

Please, help me. I don't know what to do anymore and it feels like I'm going insane just battling with my own thoughts all day",psyinide388,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdovxe/no_matter_which_path_in_life_i_take_i_will_be/,know anyone even read need vent somewhere background living back home state unhappy situation wanted come back finish school could around family originally moved away year wa unhappy left home found real happiness west colorado time began traveling around working seasonal job ski resort national park really enjoyed awhile wanted keep traveling reality life set degree sort high paying job wa struggling make paycheck paycheck despite wa still relatively happy eventually though realized missed family old friend terribly decided move back could around get education fast forward 26 year old living dad house working unfulfilling job pay terribly wait first semester school start feel like absolute failure even degree 30 start career almost decade everyone else miss wa place traveled terribly much feel like missing part back left west considered moving back idea would afford see career opportunity outside dead end low paying job also school think ever moved back would go back seeing family year two three day love much wa hardest part want able see regularly extremely close parent want miss moment realize gone day every moment precious feel like slowly dying turned depressed cynical person cannot see good life anymore everything negative people around state ignorant offensive belong know grappling indecision ha unbelievably hard stay become unhappy leave never able see parent unhappy take anymore looking ahead life seems like going one endless stream depression honestly want end please help know anymore feel like going insane battling thought day,matter path life take unhappy,psy ide 388,2789,54,psy ide 388 know anyone even read need vent somewhere background living back home state unhappy situation wanted come back finish school could around family originally moved away year wa unhappy left home found real happiness west colorado time began traveling around working seasonal job ski resort national park really enjoyed awhile wanted keep traveling reality life set degree sort high paying job wa struggling make paycheck paycheck despite wa still relatively happy eventually though realized missed family old friend terribly decided move back could around get education fast forward 26 year old living dad house working unfulfilling job pay terribly wait first semester school start feel like absolute failure even degree 30 start career almost decade everyone else miss wa place traveled terribly much feel like missing part back left west considered moving back idea would afford see career opportunity outside dead end low paying job also school think ever moved back would go back seeing family year two three day love much wa hardest part want able see regularly extremely close parent want miss moment realize gone day every moment precious feel like slowly dying turned depressed cynical person cannot see good life anymore everything negative people around state ignorant offensive belong know grappling indecision ha unbelievably hard stay become unhappy leave never able see parent unhappy take anymore looking ahead life seems like going one endless stream depression honestly want end please help know anymore feel like going insane battling thought day matter path life take unhappy
Changing thought patterns via therapy different than wishing away depression?,"I have never understood the distinction between therapy like CBT which tries to train you to think more positively to reduce or eliminate depression, which is sort of the underlying belief of most psychology thinking, versus the sentiment that one cannot think themselves out of depression. 

Could someone explain to me how these two sides can reconcile with each other?",canon4242,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrf07/changing_thought_patterns_via_therapy_different/,never understood distinction therapy like cbt try train think positively reduce eliminate depression sort underlying belief psychology thinking versus sentiment one cannot think depression could someone explain two side reconcile,changing thought pattern via therapy different wishing away depression,canon 4242,371,77,canon 4242 never understood distinction therapy like cbt try train think positively reduce eliminate depression sort underlying belief psychology thinking versus sentiment one cannot think depression could someone explain two side reconcile changing thought pattern via therapy different wishing away depression
Finally made an appointment with my GP,"So for the past year and a half I've not been doing well. Certain traumatic events happened that had a lot more impact on me than I realized they did in the moment. This paired with health issues has me becoming more and more depressed and the good moments are far and between.

This is what made finally take this step because I could not go on the way I was just existing. So we will see if this is a good step in the direction of finally getting better.",cx222,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdreo3/finally_made_an_appointment_with_my_gp/,past year half well certain traumatic event happened lot impact realized moment paired health issue ha becoming depressed good moment far made finally take step could go way wa existing see good step direction finally getting better,finally made appointment gp,cx 222,456,38,cx 222 past year half well certain traumatic event happened lot impact realized moment paired health issue ha becoming depressed good moment far made finally take step could go way wa existing see good step direction finally getting better finally made appointment gp
I (19M) feel like I'm reaching a breaking point.,"I've been feeling depressed af the last few months, it sort of feels like a relapse after about 6 months of a reasonably healthy mental state.

Basically I feel physically drained of energy all day, I have zero motivation to study or try in any way whatsoever in college. I'm doing a notoriously tough course and barely passed my Christmas exams. I come home exhausted but when I go to bed I just become really agitated and irritated. My heart starts pounding and I struggle to breathe, I can't get comfortable and even if go to bed exhausted at 8/9pm I wouldn't get to sleep until 2/3am.  However in the mornings I struggle so much to get out of bed, I feel like there's almost zero point getting up anyway as I wouldn't even miss out on anything. I end up missing so many of my lectures simply becuase I cannot bring myself to get out of bed. I still live at home going to college but if I lived by myself without parents I could see myself just staying in bed/my room for days at a time. 

Every day passes by in a sort of blur for me, I feel like I almost have a depersonalization disorder as I just operate in autopilot. I feel like a shell, it's almost like I'm just empty inside; I don't feel emotions, everything just feels monotonous and numb.  Honestly I really just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. I used to have passions like playing music/sport/reading/films etc but nothing excites me anymore. I feel like I don't really have an emotional outlet, it's like I'm just existing day-to-day without actually living. Since I find close to zero pleasure in general life I self-medicate with weed; I guess it's just a coping mechanism in order to feel something other than numb. I also think I have memory loss, as the last couple months have really blurred, I honestly don't know where the time has gone or what I've been doing in that time. 

I also have really really bad eating habits, I don't generally eat breakfast and then could go the day without eating. However when I come home I often would binge until I struggle to breathe. 

I also feel socially exhausted every day I have to go into college; pretending to be someone I'm not is mentally draining as I feel like I'm putting on a fake persona just to mask the numbness when all I wanna do is just go to bed/get high. This is probably part of the reason I avoid going to lectures. 

This all eventually caused me to go to the student couseling services in my college sometime last week, however I feel like I wasnt as honest as I should have been regarding my situation, I was definitely making it out to be less severe than it actually is. They set me up with counselling sessions that start in 3 weeks. 

However I feel like my ability to function has been severely impaired in the last few days. Tonight I felt the urge to self-harm for the first time and honestly if I had clean razors I would already have done so. I don't think I can wait 3 weeks for my counselling appointment, I feel like I should go to a GP/psychiatrist and see what they think. I feel like I just want someone to tell me exactly what I have, I'm 99% sure it's depression, and perhaps symptomatic  insomnia/a binge eating disorder. I guess part of me still denies it's depression despite me knowing that it almost certainly is and I feel like I need a medical professional to tell me how it is in order for me to be able to work on getting better. I guess I also want to see if they think that medication could help too. Ultimately I just want treatment as soon as possible, something concrete I can show to myself to tell me that I'm taking steps to improve myself as atm I feel so lost in life, and I feel like a breakingpoint might come soon unless I change things. 

I really don't know where to go from here, I guess this post is just a reflection. Maybe I just want to get my thoughts down somewhere but if anyone has any advice obviously I'd rly appreciate that: like most ppl here I just wanna feel normal again. :( If anyone would be willing to talk about things a bit more in detail I'd appreciate a pm.",taway0403,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdlr0n/i_19m_feel_like_im_reaching_a_breaking_point/,feeling depressed af last month sort feel like relapse 6 month reasonably healthy mental state basically feel physically drained energy day zero motivation study try way whatsoever college notoriously tough course barely passed christmas exam come home exhausted go bed become really agitated irritated heart start pounding struggle breathe get comfortable even go bed exhausted 8 9pm get sleep 2 3am however morning struggle much get bed feel like almost zero point getting anyway even miss anything end missing many lecture simply becuase cannot bring get bed still live home going college lived without parent could see staying bed room day time every day pass sort blur feel like almost depersonalization disorder operate autopilot feel like shell almost like empty inside feel emotion everything feel monotonous numb honestly really give fuck anything anymore used passion like playing music sport reading film etc nothing excites anymore feel like really emotional outlet like existing day day without actually living since find close zero pleasure general life self medicate weed guess coping mechanism order feel something numb also think memory loss last couple month really blurred honestly know time ha gone time also really really bad eating habit generally eat breakfast could go day without eating however come home often would binge struggle breathe also feel socially exhausted every day go college pretending someone mentally draining feel like putting fake persona mask numbness wanna go bed get high probably part reason avoid going lecture eventually caused go student couseling service college sometime last week however feel like wasnt honest regarding situation wa definitely making le severe actually set counselling session start 3 week however feel like ability function ha severely impaired last day tonight felt urge self harm first time honestly clean razor would already done think wait 3 week counselling appointment feel like go gp psychiatrist see think feel like want someone tell exactly 99 sure depression perhaps symptomatic insomnia binge eating disorder guess part still denies depression despite knowing almost certainly feel like need medical professional tell order able work getting better guess also want see think medication could help ultimately want treatment soon possible something concrete show tell taking step improve atm feel lost life feel like breakingpoint might come soon unless change thing really know go guess post reflection maybe want get thought somewhere anyone ha advice obviously rly appreciate like ppl wanna feel normal anyone would willing talk thing bit detail appreciate pm,19m feel like reaching breaking point,away 0403,4068,48,away 0403 feeling depressed af last month sort feel like relapse 6 month reasonably healthy mental state basically feel physically drained energy day zero motivation study try way whatsoever college notoriously tough course barely passed christmas exam come home exhausted go bed become really agitated irritated heart start pounding struggle breathe get comfortable even go bed exhausted 8 9pm get sleep 2 3am however morning struggle much get bed feel like almost zero point getting anyway even miss anything end missing many lecture simply becuase cannot bring get bed still live home going college lived without parent could see staying bed room day time every day pass sort blur feel like almost depersonalization disorder operate autopilot feel like shell almost like empty inside feel emotion everything feel monotonous numb honestly really give fuck anything anymore used passion like playing music sport reading film etc nothing excites anymore feel like really emotional outlet like existing day day without actually living since find close zero pleasure general life self medicate weed guess coping mechanism order feel something numb also think memory loss last couple month really blurred honestly know time ha gone time also really really bad eating habit generally eat breakfast could go day without eating however come home often would binge struggle breathe also feel socially exhausted every day go college pretending someone mentally draining feel like putting fake persona mask numbness wanna go bed get high probably part reason avoid going lecture eventually caused go student couseling service college sometime last week however feel like wasnt honest regarding situation wa definitely making le severe actually set counselling session start 3 week however feel like ability function ha severely impaired last day tonight felt urge self harm first time honestly clean razor would already done think wait 3 week counselling appointment feel like go gp psychiatrist see think feel like want someone tell exactly 99 sure depression perhaps symptomatic insomnia binge eating disorder guess part still denies depression despite knowing almost certainly feel like need medical professional tell order able work getting better guess also want see think medication could help ultimately want treatment soon possible something concrete show tell taking step improve atm feel lost life feel like breakingpoint might come soon unless change thing really know go guess post reflection maybe want get thought somewhere anyone ha advice obviously rly appreciate like ppl wanna feel normal anyone would willing talk thing bit detail appreciate pm 19m feel like reaching breaking point
I don't do anything,"I've got a lot of work to do, but I can't do anything. The voice in my head says that even if I tried, I wouldn't get anywhere, I wouldn't succeed. That's why I always delay things, even though I have to do it at that time. The worst part is that I'm aware of this situation, and I'm still not doing anything about it. Time's going too fast and idk what to do. My anxiety gets worse at times like this and when it gets worse, I can't even sleep, let alone do anything.

I'm so tired of feeling this way, but like I said, I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to talk to and I really need advice.
[English is not my first language, so I hope you can understand]",saulsrain,13,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdklj3/i_dont_do_anything/,got lot work anything voice head say even tried get anywhere succeed always delay thing even though time worst part aware situation still anything time going fast idk anxiety get worse time like get worse even sleep let alone anything tired feeling way like said know anyone talk really need advice english first language hope understand,anything,saul rain,667,19,saul rain got lot work anything voice head say even tried get anywhere succeed always delay thing even though time worst part aware situation still anything time going fast idk anxiety get worse time like get worse even sleep let alone anything tired feeling way like said know anyone talk really need advice english first language hope understand anything
Disappointed,"Disappointed
That's the one word I would use to sum up the way I feel. Disappointed in everything. 

Myself, for being...mediocre. That's the only word that comes to mind when I consider my life. I've been given so many gifts and people that love me, and I waste it all. I don't quite understand what's wrong with me, but I know there's something not clicking right in my brain. People talk about a certain fire behind someone's eyes, a drive that pushes them to work hard for their goals. I dont have that. I'm not passionate about anything. I find myself with no motivation to do anything, even doing days without eating. Some days I'll be how I used to, full of energy and making people laugh, but, as quickly as it appeared, it's gone. I'm back to laying in bed all day, not speaking to anyone, not doing anything that I'm not required to. The only thing that impresses me anymore is how easily I lie to my own family. As soon as they call, I become this other person. The person they want me to be, who does well in school and never had any issues. 

I don't feel joy anymore. Not a trace of genuine happiness, other than the aforementioned 'good days'. Even the things that used to make me happiest, like Christmas, now just seem annoying and pointless. I can't sleep, often laying awake for hours on end. 

Fuck, I miss him. I miss my Da. I would give anything in the world for 5 more minutes with him. He was everything to me, my whole world. I loved him with everything in me. You could come to him in the worst possible situation, and he would tell you what you needed to hear, and you would always come away feeling better. But now he's gone. He left, leaving a mess that my family has yet to fix, and now I'll never see him again. Never hug him, or hear his roaring laughter. I'll never again have him look me in the eyes and say ""I'm proud of you, son."" And that breaks my heart. Sometimes I go back and listen to old voicemails, just to hear his voice. 

I'm disappointed in my family, some more than others. We all came together as a family for the funeral, and not even 24 hours later they're already fighting. I don't understand what I have to do to let them know I need help. I shouldn't be too hard on them, but if my friend who hasn't seen me in 3 years can discern I'm struggling over the phone, surely my own family could tell. I told them I wasn't ready to go back, that I couldn't handle it, but they didn't listen. I've never once in my life had real freedom. Freedom to choose what I want. Thats not exactly true. Theres 2 options: do what they want, or be on my own. 

Disappointed in those around me. Now, I could never blame anyone here for my problems, but damn if they can't tell. There are people here who's job it is to identify people who are struggling. They haven't approached me, nor have any of my 'friends' here. I went to the counselor once, and after an hour of talking, he told me that he thought my Das death might have had an impact on me. No shit. Say what you will about my high school, but I'm more comfortable telling anyone there that I'm struggling than I ever would be here. 

I don't know where something went wrong, where I lost my drive, but I want to fix it. I want to be happy again, but every day that seems farther away. Every day, I feel less like myself and I just want it to end.",howdoiexpressemotion,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrbq9/disappointed/,disappointed one word would use sum way feel disappointed everything mediocre word come mind consider life given many gift people love waste quite understand wrong know something clicking right brain people talk certain fire behind someone eye drive push work hard goal dont passionate anything find motivation anything even day without eating day used full energy making people laugh quickly appeared gone back laying bed day speaking anyone anything required thing impress anymore easily lie family soon call become person person want doe well school never issue feel joy anymore trace genuine happiness aforementioned good day even thing used make happiest like christmas seem annoying pointless sleep often laying awake hour end fuck miss miss da would give anything world 5 minute wa everything whole world loved everything could come worst possible situation would tell needed hear would always come away feeling better gone left leaving mess family ha yet fix never see never hug hear roaring laughter never look eye say proud son break heart sometimes go back listen old voicemail hear voice disappointed family others came together family funeral even 24 hour later already fighting understand let know need help hard friend seen 3 year discern struggling phone surely family could tell told ready go back handle listen never life real freedom freedom choose want thats exactly true 2 option want disappointed around could never blame anyone problem damn tell people job identify people struggling approached friend went counselor hour talking told thought da death might impact shit say high school comfortable telling anyone struggling ever would know something went wrong lost drive want fix want happy every day seems farther away every day feel le like want end,disappointed,doi express emotion,3340,12,doi express emotion disappointed one word would use sum way feel disappointed everything mediocre word come mind consider life given many gift people love waste quite understand wrong know something clicking right brain people talk certain fire behind someone eye drive push work hard goal dont passionate anything find motivation anything even day without eating day used full energy making people laugh quickly appeared gone back laying bed day speaking anyone anything required thing impress anymore easily lie family soon call become person person want doe well school never issue feel joy anymore trace genuine happiness aforementioned good day even thing used make happiest like christmas seem annoying pointless sleep often laying awake hour end fuck miss miss da would give anything world 5 minute wa everything whole world loved everything could come worst possible situation would tell needed hear would always come away feeling better gone left leaving mess family ha yet fix never see never hug hear roaring laughter never look eye say proud son break heart sometimes go back listen old voicemail hear voice disappointed family others came together family funeral even 24 hour later already fighting understand let know need help hard friend seen 3 year discern struggling phone surely family could tell told ready go back handle listen never life real freedom freedom choose want thats exactly true 2 option want disappointed around could never blame anyone problem damn tell people job identify people struggling approached friend went counselor hour talking told thought da death might impact shit say high school comfortable telling anyone struggling ever would know something went wrong lost drive want fix want happy every day seems farther away every day feel le like want end disappointed
The only time when I feel fine is when I sleep,"When I am awake my anxiety is there every moment, and it can be overwhelming. I feel my heart beating faster and my breathing becomes a mess, I just feel my whole body feel uncomfortable when I am awake. The only time where I don't feel panic, where I don't feel as much negative feelings, is when I lie in bed and my mind is getting ready to sleep. I don't know how long it takes to fall asleep, but if it took 10 minutes, then those 10 minutes is the best I ever felt in the whole day. I know that its not good to sleep so much, but I understand why some people would choose to sleep a lot when they are depressed. I look forward to that peaceful 10 minutes. I wish I could have that feeling throught the day without needing to fall asleep first.",southwestperson,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdraum/the_only_time_when_i_feel_fine_is_when_i_sleep/,awake anxiety every moment overwhelming feel heart beating faster breathing becomes mess feel whole body feel uncomfortable awake time feel panic feel much negative feeling lie bed mind getting ready sleep know long take fall asleep took 10 minute 10 minute best ever felt whole day know good sleep much understand people would choose sleep lot depressed look forward peaceful 10 minute wish could feeling throught day without needing fall asleep first,time feel fine sleep,southwest person,748,46,southwest person awake anxiety every moment overwhelming feel heart beating faster breathing becomes mess feel whole body feel uncomfortable awake time feel panic feel much negative feeling lie bed mind getting ready sleep know long take fall asleep took 10 minute 10 minute best ever felt whole day know good sleep much understand people would choose sleep lot depressed look forward peaceful 10 minute wish could feeling throught day without needing fall asleep first time feel fine sleep
I don't really think if one phrase could even describe how destroyed am I,"I don't even know how to start, I always thought about one thing that always tortures my brain: Everyone are the same, but I am not. When I was a child, being child was the perfect excuse to hide my condition: I don't know how to talk to people, I don't know how to prolong a conversation, I don't know anything about being sociable. In the other hand, I was (and I am) really smart, but I don't really qualify myself about something special, because people are so stupid to think about being self-centered, instead of thinking about the personality itself, that's maybe one of the thing I don't even comprehend about society, well I continue, being able to do whatever you want its something amazing, I felt (I feel) I got the most powerful superpower, being able to think about something interesting to do and make it real, make it like I was professional on something, but if you can't even talk, even express yourself, your brain, all of your amazing ideas are taking down to trash, to something miserable, how much kids, teens worried about the things other people say (I worry too), but I'm 100% sure they can shine if they are with the correct people, ask me, I'm 22 now, in 22 years, Why didn't I find anyone like me?, anyone who I can talk about interesting things and not about superficial and stupid things, anyone who takes the life like a poetry, with right values, anyone who understands me, anyone who I can be myself

I hated my school partners, and they always thought about things on how to ruin my day, I didn't understand why being so small, being so tiny they were so disrespectful to each other, I lived on a city that I can't even pronounce it's name because is the reason of all my misfortunes, people so damn vulgar, so damn low they can't even teach their kids how to be kind, how to be respectful to anyone. I learn about pride, that keep me away from bullying, they don't even know why they bullied me, bullies tend to attack people about their body, about if they are stupid, about a condition, they just attack me because it was me, and I know, they smell it like dogs, possessed maybe, because I didn't find a reasonable reason to understand what they bullied me, but in the middle of that, I thought why just can't we be friends? Why do we attack to each other? Only because I can't be vulgar like you? They is the reason why I hate my ethnicity, this stupid language called spanish talked only by freaking stupid people, because I learned about they, every single piece of word they say, why my country is infested with third-world-people, they are way too worried about lgbt and inclusiveness, why didn't they included me on society?

There was a guy, Alvaro C. was and still is his name, he was the most disgusting, profane, putrid and revolting person I ever met, he was just a compulsive masturbator, obsessed with pornography, I remember when he checked the teacher computer just for looking for sexual content, when he masturbates in class, I couldn't care less about his life except for one thing, he didn't let me breathe one miserable day when I was in school, he just looked for me to having some daily fun, let's make this piece of s**t even more s**t than he actual is he thought, I cried trying to understand why me? what did I got in myself that makes me so despreciable?, he didn't know about what thing inserted in my mind, now I'm him, now it's me who have a problem with porn addiction

When I was 14, I decided to play guitar, not only that, now I'm feeling that I'm able to put some music on the radio with some effort and money, but I don't have the energy left to do something, actually I just don't have energy to do nothing more than just laying in my bed and watching these repulsive videos that I hate, but I can't left behind for some reason, this thing is just consuming my brain, all my abilities, my smartness, my heart, my soul, I want to leave it but I'm thinking that I have no reason to do that, because for me now life is just pointless, is just about being stupid, thinking stupid, talking stupid, living stupid, don't try to be some special for this world because this world will take you and make you descend down to their level, descend down to hell, and if you make it to the top maybe it's because you are like they by default, I got ideas, still have some beautiful ideas, but I'm alone, waiting for someone to help me that will never come, suicide is just a boring option, I know if I just die no one will notice and I hate that, I will not take that option because I don't want to give them the pleasure of that, it's freaking hypocrite when these criminals of society cry to a fallen relative, cry is a emotion just for good people so you know now why they don't cry me but instead cry to themselves, you may not believe in God, but you can make sure the Devil is in one of us waiting just for destroy everyone else and every piece of you, disguised as everything you know, the more you think everything is normal, the more you are far away from comprehend that life, this world f***ing hates you, that's not a advice, that's what I understood in 22 years.",Diealrod,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdtbme/i_dont_really_think_if_one_phrase_could_even/,even know start always thought one thing always torture brain everyone wa child child wa perfect excuse hide condition know talk people know prolong conversation know anything sociable hand wa really smart really qualify something special people stupid think self centered instead thinking personality maybe one thing even comprehend society well continue able whatever want something amazing felt feel got powerful superpower able think something interesting make real make like wa professional something even talk even express brain amazing idea taking trash something miserable much kid teen worried thing people say worry 100 sure shine correct people ask 22 22 year find anyone like anyone talk interesting thing superficial stupid thing anyone take life like poetry right value anyone understands anyone hated school partner always thought thing ruin day understand small tiny disrespectful lived city even pronounce name reason misfortune people damn vulgar damn low even teach kid kind respectful anyone learn pride keep away bullying even know bullied bully tend attack people body stupid condition attack wa know smell like dog possessed maybe find reasonable reason understand bullied middle thought friend attack vulgar like reason hate ethnicity stupid language called spanish talked freaking stupid people learned every single piece word say country infested third world people way worried lgbt inclusiveness included society wa guy alvaro c wa still name wa disgusting profane putrid revolting person ever met wa compulsive masturbator obsessed pornography remember checked teacher computer looking sexual content masturbates class care le life except one thing let breathe one miserable day wa school looked daily fun let make piece even actual thought cried trying understand got make despreciable know thing inserted mind problem porn addiction wa 14 decided play guitar feeling able put music radio effort money energy left something actually energy nothing laying bed watching repulsive video hate left behind reason thing consuming brain ability smartness heart soul want leave thinking reason life pointless stupid thinking stupid talking stupid living stupid try special world world take make descend level descend hell make top maybe like default got idea still beautiful idea alone waiting someone help never come suicide boring option know die one notice hate take option want give pleasure freaking hypocrite criminal society cry fallen relative cry emotion good people know cry instead cry may believe god make sure devil one u waiting destroy everyone else every piece disguised everything know think everything normal far away comprehend life world f ing hate advice understood 22 year,really think one phrase could even describe destroyed,die al rod,5134,73,die al rod even know start always thought one thing always torture brain everyone wa child child wa perfect excuse hide condition know talk people know prolong conversation know anything sociable hand wa really smart really qualify something special people stupid think self centered instead thinking personality maybe one thing even comprehend society well continue able whatever want something amazing felt feel got powerful superpower able think something interesting make real make like wa professional something even talk even express brain amazing idea taking trash something miserable much kid teen worried thing people say worry 100 sure shine correct people ask 22 22 year find anyone like anyone talk interesting thing superficial stupid thing anyone take life like poetry right value anyone understands anyone hated school partner always thought thing ruin day understand small tiny disrespectful lived city even pronounce name reason misfortune people damn vulgar damn low even teach kid kind respectful anyone learn pride keep away bullying even know bullied bully tend attack people body stupid condition attack wa know smell like dog possessed maybe find reasonable reason understand bullied middle thought friend attack vulgar like reason hate ethnicity stupid language called spanish talked freaking stupid people learned every single piece word say country infested third world people way worried lgbt inclusiveness included society wa guy alvaro c wa still name wa disgusting profane putrid revolting person ever met wa compulsive masturbator obsessed pornography remember checked teacher computer looking sexual content masturbates class care le life except one thing let breathe one miserable day wa school looked daily fun let make piece even actual thought cried trying understand got make despreciable know thing inserted mind problem porn addiction wa 14 decided play guitar feeling able put music radio effort money energy left something actually energy nothing laying bed watching repulsive video hate left behind reason thing consuming brain ability smartness heart soul want leave thinking reason life pointless stupid thinking stupid talking stupid living stupid try special world world take make descend level descend hell make top maybe like default got idea still beautiful idea alone waiting someone help never come suicide boring option know die one notice hate take option want give pleasure freaking hypocrite criminal society cry fallen relative cry emotion good people know cry instead cry may believe god make sure devil one u waiting destroy everyone else every piece disguised everything know think everything normal far away comprehend life world f ing hate advice understood 22 year really think one phrase could even describe destroyed
I wish I had more friends,Right now I'm feeling very alone I live in a city and don't know very many people because with depression and anxiety that I haven't treated for 7 years keeps me from wanting to meet new people because out in the real world it's scary. Always afraid that I will mess up what I say and that people will think I'm stupid. The people I do know half turned out to be horrible people that have now resorted to trying to tear me down daily. I love my daughter and my boyfriend but sometimes you want to talk to someone else. I don't know how else to explain it I just feel really trapped. End sad rant.,Sukari420,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdra7k/i_wish_i_had_more_friends/,right feeling alone live city know many people depression anxiety treated 7 year keep wanting meet new people real world scary always afraid mess say people think stupid people know half turned horrible people resorted trying tear daily love daughter boyfriend sometimes want talk someone else know else explain feel really trapped end sad rant,wish friend,su kari 420,596,25,su kari 420 right feeling alone live city know many people depression anxiety treated 7 year keep wanting meet new people real world scary always afraid mess say people think stupid people know half turned horrible people resorted trying tear daily love daughter boyfriend sometimes want talk someone else know else explain feel really trapped end sad rant wish friend
Save Me,"I... I can't imagine dying, it's not something that I want.

And yet these thoughts they still exist and seem to scare and creep and haunt.

Plenty of ways to go about it, some are easy, some are not.

I let the feelings fill me up till I become too deep in thought.





I'm standing on a bridge, I'm looking down at frigid water.

I have come here with a thought, and intentions of self-slaughter.

But when I stand up on the railing, I want someone to come,

Someone to shout and pull me down, stop me from doing something dumb.





I want a stranger's embrace, to reassure me it's okay.

To tell me that it isn't worth it, that the trip's only one-way

I want to bawl and breakdown, in the arms of the unknown.

So I can maybe feel cared about, and not feel so alone...





Now I'm in my room, with a note and rope in hand.

Thinking I'll finally fall through, let my thoughts and mind disband.

But when I step off of that stool, I want my mom to come rush down,

To pull me out my quiet guillotine, and stop my silent drown.





Oh, she'd probably hug and sob, knowing what I had tried to do.

Glad she ran down stairs to check on me, as if had been on cue.

That night would stay with her forever, make her always high alert,

To stop her child from disappearing, or end up permanently hurt.






However in both situations, I would simply end up dead.

That is, if I could follow through with all these thoughts that haunt my head.

Alas I am not suicidal, just a faking wannabee,

Cause I don't actually want to die, I just want someone to save me...",SexuallyConfusedEgg,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr9h5/save_me/,imagine dying something want yet thought still exist seem scare creep haunt plenty way go easy let feeling fill till become deep thought standing bridge looking frigid water come thought intention self slaughter stand railing want someone come someone shout pull stop something dumb want stranger embrace reassure okay tell worth trip one way want bawl breakdown arm unknown maybe feel cared feel alone room note rope hand thinking finally fall let thought mind disband step stool want mom come rush pull quiet guillotine stop silent drown oh probably hug sob knowing tried glad ran stair check cue night would stay forever make always high alert stop child disappearing end permanently hurt however situation would simply end dead could follow thought haunt head ala suicidal faking wannabee cause actually want die want someone save,save,sexually confused egg,1563,7,sexually confused egg imagine dying something want yet thought still exist seem scare creep haunt plenty way go easy let feeling fill till become deep thought standing bridge looking frigid water come thought intention self slaughter stand railing want someone come someone shout pull stop something dumb want stranger embrace reassure okay tell worth trip one way want bawl breakdown arm unknown maybe feel cared feel alone room note rope hand thinking finally fall let thought mind disband step stool want mom come rush pull quiet guillotine stop silent drown oh probably hug sob knowing tried glad ran stair check cue night would stay forever make always high alert stop child disappearing end permanently hurt however situation would simply end dead could follow thought haunt head ala suicidal faking wannabee cause actually want die want someone save save
Looking for exercises to try.,"
So I recently went to a therapist, because I have severe depression. I cannot afford to keep going, and I was hoping someone might have some suggestions or exercises in general to stop feeling sad. I’m looking for things I can do on a daily basis to improve over time. Any help is appreciated!",bellottiboi,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr99c/looking_for_exercises_to_try/,recently went therapist severe depression cannot afford keep going wa hoping someone might suggestion exercise general stop feeling sad looking thing daily basis improve time help appreciated,looking exercise try,bellot ti boi,294,29,bellot ti boi recently went therapist severe depression cannot afford keep going wa hoping someone might suggestion exercise general stop feeling sad looking thing daily basis improve time help appreciated looking exercise try
Can numbness and apathy be considered depression?,I used to be super emotional and negative but now I'm less emotional and more apathetic and sometimes it feels like I'm just there. Like just living and breathing. Like it feels almost spacey. I'm also super lazy and procrastinate hardcore. idk if it's possible for me to still have depression especially since I don't get severe sadness anymore and rarely cry. I'm I just something else?,Moonlight_Koya,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpraq/can_numbness_and_apathy_be_considered_depression/,used super emotional negative le emotional apathetic sometimes feel like like living breathing like feel almost spacey also super lazy procrastinate hardcore idk possible still depression especially since get severe sadness anymore rarely cry something else,numbness apathy considered depression,moonlight k oya,388,49,moonlight k oya used super emotional negative le emotional apathetic sometimes feel like like living breathing like feel almost spacey also super lazy procrastinate hardcore idk possible still depression especially since get severe sadness anymore rarely cry something else numbness apathy considered depression
I'm a low-status man in my early 30s. Can I really turn it around?,"I know we'd all like to believe the answer is ""yes"", and maybe it is, but there's a lot working against you when you find yourself in this predicament.   


Anyone else in this same boat? I was going to try to make a more comprehensive post, but maybe I'll just start with this and respond to what others say.",tantamle,12,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdjtn6/im_a_lowstatus_man_in_my_early_30s_can_i_really/,know like believe answer yes maybe lot working find predicament anyone else boat wa going try make comprehensive post maybe start respond others say,low status man early 30 really turn around,tant le,309,66,tant le know like believe answer yes maybe lot working find predicament anyone else boat wa going try make comprehensive post maybe start respond others say low status man early 30 really turn around
Everything I do and feel is automated by my chemically unbalanced brain and there is no escape,"There is utter absence of meaning in my day to day life. I would love nothing more than to feel or do anything other than artificial emotions and automated actions, but alas must take that pill or else it will all crumble, oh and that pill, and maybe these 3 too. 

It’s a fine line between authentic peace and self destruction that I’ve been on for what feels like a life time, but unfortunately it’s only been a year and that life time is all I have to look forward to.",optimistic-nihlism,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr27i/everything_i_do_and_feel_is_automated_by_my/,utter absence meaning day day life would love nothing feel anything artificial emotion automated action ala must take pill else crumble oh pill maybe 3 fine line authentic peace self destruction feel like life time unfortunately year life time look forward,everything feel automated chemically unbalanced brain escape,optimistic n ihl,471,94,optimistic n ihl utter absence meaning day day life would love nothing feel anything artificial emotion automated action ala must take pill else crumble oh pill maybe 3 fine line authentic peace self destruction feel like life time unfortunately year life time look forward everything feel automated chemically unbalanced brain escape
"what if kill myself, wouldn't it be easier?","as I was getting ready for an interview for a new job, i was thinking ""what if i kill myself? wouldn't that be easier?"". I've never been diagnosed with depression or even anxiety because... I've never told doctors about it, about what I'm feeling and thinking, etc. so I don't want to kind of self diagnosed myself as depressed while there is people out there who has been and theirs may be more severe than mine. but... there's period where i constantly feel bad about myself and I just want to end it all.
I just want to know if some of you here feel that way sometimes (or everytime), and how do you live with it? is ever going to change?
(also, sorry I'm French so my english isn't perfect...)",aurome10,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr13e/what_if_kill_myself_wouldnt_it_be_easier/,wa getting ready interview new job wa thinking kill easier never diagnosed depression even anxiety never told doctor feeling thinking etc want kind self diagnosed depressed people ha may severe mine period constantly feel bad want end want know feel way sometimes everytime live ever going change also sorry french english perfect,kill easier,au rome 10,697,43,au rome 10 wa getting ready interview new job wa thinking kill easier never diagnosed depression even anxiety never told doctor feeling thinking etc want kind self diagnosed depressed people ha may severe mine period constantly feel bad want end want know feel way sometimes everytime live ever going change also sorry french english perfect kill easier
I guess this is me venting? Not sure what to call it.,"TL;DR: I'm feeling really down, have shut myself away, and don't know how to get through this anymore.

Hi, I'm Brendan. Im a 27(soon to be 28) y/o male, and I don't know what to do anymore. I've been trying to avoid posting because in the end I feel it doesn't matter anyway, but I have to say something.

This isn't a cry for help, I wouldn't accept any because I feel I should be able to get over my problems by myself.

I was diagnosed wish major depressive disorder at 15, then obsessive compulsive behavior at 23, with generalized anxiety coming in at 25. I know I cannot simply get over my issues because they're in my brain. I also know that it's all in my head, that's why they're called mental problems.

To get to the point, I'm lonely. I have like 3 friends, but I know if I had a girlfriend I would still be lonely. When I had one, who was amazing, I still was feeling alone. I really just think that it's all going so bad because I deserve it, and that it will make the good times seem better.

I'm not patient when it comes to my feelings. I want this feeling to go away more than anything. I've basically sheltered myself in my room for the past year and a half. I don't remember how to talk to people or act in public. I have a job, but only because I'm striving to not be homeless.

I'm sorry if anything I said upsets anyone somehow, I really needed to say something. I'm starting to lose the battle in my head again. I feel like I've been fighting it for much too long. I want to just give up fighting and give in to the sickness taking me over.

Not yet though. Trying to stay hopeful even when I don't know why.",MrCheesequake,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr0sy/i_guess_this_is_me_venting_not_sure_what_to_call/,tl dr feeling really shut away know get anymore hi brendan im 27 soon 28 male know anymore trying avoid posting end feel matter anyway say something cry help accept feel able get problem wa diagnosed wish major depressive disorder 15 obsessive compulsive behavior 23 generalized anxiety coming 25 know cannot simply get issue brain also know head called mental problem get point lonely like 3 friend know girlfriend would still lonely one wa amazing still wa feeling alone really think going bad deserve make good time seem better patient come feeling want feeling go away anything basically sheltered room past year half remember talk people act public job striving homeless sorry anything said upset anyone somehow really needed say something starting lose battle head feel like fighting much long want give fighting give sickness taking yet though trying stay hopeful even know,guess venting sure call,mr cheese quake,1633,53,mr cheese quake tl dr feeling really shut away know get anymore hi brendan im 27 soon 28 male know anymore trying avoid posting end feel matter anyway say something cry help accept feel able get problem wa diagnosed wish major depressive disorder 15 obsessive compulsive behavior 23 generalized anxiety coming 25 know cannot simply get issue brain also know head called mental problem get point lonely like 3 friend know girlfriend would still lonely one wa amazing still wa feeling alone really think going bad deserve make good time seem better patient come feeling want feeling go away anything basically sheltered room past year half remember talk people act public job striving homeless sorry anything said upset anyone somehow really needed say something starting lose battle head feel like fighting much long want give fighting give sickness taking yet though trying stay hopeful even know guess venting sure call
Sad music not sad enough?,"There are very few songs that strike a chord with my for being sad enough anymore? 

SO many songs are entirely about breakups and sadness surrounding that, but I'm not sad about that? 

I don't know if this makes any sense - but it almost feels like there isn't much music relatable to how low and depressed I am over life?",kei__bei,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr0oy/sad_music_not_sad_enough/,song strike chord sad enough anymore many song entirely breakup sadness surrounding sad know make sense almost feel like much music relatable low depressed life,sad music sad enough,kei bei,324,25,kei bei song strike chord sad enough anymore many song entirely breakup sadness surrounding sad know make sense almost feel like much music relatable low depressed life sad music sad enough
I can’t - Depression fatigue? Is there such a thing?,"Been married about 17 years, my wife has had varying levels of depression right throughout that, and I think I’ve got ‘depression fatigue’. 
I just made up that term, I’m sure theres probably a real medical term for it.
I just can’t deal with it anymore. It’s consumed every piece of happiness, smile, laughter and fun I’ve had in me. We’ve got 4 kids and it’s affecting them too.

I can’t deal with her complaining anymore
I can’t deal with her moods anymore
I can’t deal with her abuse anymore
I can’t deal with being used as her verbal and emotional punching bag
I can’t keep doing everything around the house
I can’t keep dreading every time my phone rings and it’s her, wondering what it will be about, will she be losing her shit on the other end of the phone,
I can’t keep coming home and wondering what sort of mood she’s in.
I can’t dread her waking up in the morning, knowing she’s in a shit mood 13 out of 14 days
I can’t walk in or out of the house, say hi/bye, give her a kiss to be told to fuck off, I hate you, you’re a piece of shit, a cunt, or that she wishes I get hit by a train, have a car accident or similar.
I can’t be told I don’t do anything around the house, or about all the things I ‘don’t do’.
I can’t be told that I’m a shit father, and about all the things I don’t do with them, even though I’m with them every night and weekend when she’s at work, I take them to school, make their lunches and dinner.
I can’t be told how crap my family is, and that my dad who dies 3 years ago was a lazy piece of shit.
I can’t fight with her every time my mum is in town and wants to see us and the kids, especially as she’s moving to the same town this week so she can see more of us.
I can’t be told how she doesn’t have any time for herself, yet she directly controls how she spends every minute of her day.
I can’t her her complain about the house anymore, no it’s not a display home, but it’s FAR from dirty!
I can’t hear her complain about the kids and how much they fight - where do you think they learnt that behaviour from?
I can’t hear about finances, when we spend SO much on takeaway food or fresh food that gets thrown out because it’s gone off uneaten.
I can’t hear her complain about her weight, you got the op done, lost heaps of weight and haven’t been to the gym to tone.
I can’t hear her complain about not going to the gym and having paid for the membership for the last 8 months, you’re in control of your days and how you spend it.
I can’t hear you say to me I’m different towards you today/tonight, did you forget how you told me today what a piece of shit I am, you wish you never met me and you’re going to go and find someone to give you attention.
I can’t be told how much I repulse you when we have sex, and that you have to think of someone else to orgasm.
I can’t be told that I’m just here to look after the kids and support you and them financially.
I can’t hear again how your money is your money, and that I should be grateful you got a job at nights/weekends, I look after the kids yet when you bought me a present with ‘your money’ (the first in 10 years) I have to hear all the time about how I don’t deserve it.

I’ll likely edit and add more. Not looking for responses, just had to get it out.",lonelydownunder,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdt1wu/i_cant_depression_fatigue_is_there_such_a_thing/,married 17 year wife ha varying level depression right throughout think got depression fatigue made term sure probably real medical term deal anymore consumed every piece happiness smile laughter fun got 4 kid affecting deal complaining anymore deal mood anymore deal abuse anymore deal used verbal emotional punching bag keep everything around house keep dreading every time phone ring wondering losing shit end phone keep coming home wondering sort mood dread waking morning knowing shit mood 13 14 day walk house say hi bye give kiss told fuck hate piece shit cunt wish get hit train car accident similar told anything around house thing told shit father thing even though every night weekend work take school make lunch dinner told crap family dad dy 3 year ago wa lazy piece shit fight every time mum town want see u kid especially moving town week see u told time yet directly control spends every minute day complain house anymore display home far dirty hear complain kid much fight think learnt behaviour hear finance spend much takeaway food fresh food get thrown gone uneaten hear complain weight got op done lost heap weight gym tone hear complain going gym paid membership last 8 month control day spend hear say different towards today tonight forget told today piece shit wish never met going go find someone give attention told much repulse sex think someone else orgasm told look kid support financially hear money money grateful got job night weekend look kid yet bought present money first 10 year hear time deserve likely edit add looking response get,depression fatigue thing,lonely,3249,52,lonely married 17 year wife ha varying level depression right throughout think got depression fatigue made term sure probably real medical term deal anymore consumed every piece happiness smile laughter fun got 4 kid affecting deal complaining anymore deal mood anymore deal abuse anymore deal used verbal emotional punching bag keep everything around house keep dreading every time phone ring wondering losing shit end phone keep coming home wondering sort mood dread waking morning knowing shit mood 13 14 day walk house say hi bye give kiss told fuck hate piece shit cunt wish get hit train car accident similar told anything around house thing told shit father thing even though every night weekend work take school make lunch dinner told crap family dad dy 3 year ago wa lazy piece shit fight every time mum town want see u kid especially moving town week see u told time yet directly control spends every minute day complain house anymore display home far dirty hear complain kid much fight think learnt behaviour hear finance spend much takeaway food fresh food get thrown gone uneaten hear complain weight got op done lost heap weight gym tone hear complain going gym paid membership last 8 month control day spend hear say different towards today tonight forget told today piece shit wish never met going go find someone give attention told much repulse sex think someone else orgasm told look kid support financially hear money money grateful got job night weekend look kid yet bought present money first 10 year hear time deserve likely edit add looking response get depression fatigue thing
Thinking of running away,"I want to die. Im not scared of death, or of what will happen, i have no one, my death wouldnt hurt anyone. But i dont want to hurt. I dont want to feel my lungs fill up with water and not be able to breathe, i dont want to feel cuts all over or a rope around my neck or anything else. It always will hurt. Thats what dying is. I dont want that. But i dont want this either. So im thinking of running away, from home, from society, from life. Maybe i could live in a remote cabin in the woods. Maybe if i had a garden and if i had to hunting, anything but this. I dont want to live this way. I know living on my own in the middle of no where is too much, its impossible to make sustainable, i couldnt get the money to even try, and even then, i cant get out of bed much less do everything. I feel hopeless, even my imagined fanatsy escapism i feel like theres no way out. Maybe suicide is the only option. Idk. I dont have any hope left, my hearts empty.",AlinaAngelMtF,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqx96/thinking_of_running_away/,want die im scared death happen one death wouldnt hurt anyone dont want hurt dont want feel lung fill water able breathe dont want feel cut rope around neck anything else always hurt thats dying dont want dont want either im thinking running away home society life maybe could live remote cabin wood maybe garden hunting anything dont want live way know living middle much impossible make sustainable couldnt get money even try even cant get bed much le everything feel hopeless even imagined fanatsy escapism feel like way maybe suicide option idk dont hope left heart empty,thinking running away,alina angel mtf,954,24,alina angel mtf want die im scared death happen one death wouldnt hurt anyone dont want hurt dont want feel lung fill water able breathe dont want feel cut rope around neck anything else always hurt thats dying dont want dont want either im thinking running away home society life maybe could live remote cabin wood maybe garden hunting anything dont want live way know living middle much impossible make sustainable couldnt get money even try even cant get bed much le everything feel hopeless even imagined fanatsy escapism feel like way maybe suicide option idk dont hope left heart empty thinking running away
Having to prepare myself to hang out with some friends.,"Going bowling with some friends from school this weekend, and I’m looking forward to it but also scared of ruining the night.


I wanna be myself, but at the same time, I don’t wanna come off as depressing to everyone, I have to put on a happy face, and act like everything is okay.

And it really sucks you know? I wish I could be vocal about my life and not be given blank looks from everyone and turn the mood sour with my negativity.

Any tips on how maybe I can have a good time. I’ve considered just taking some Adderall and that’ll solve my problems but idk.",TheOfficialWasteland,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdsyw3/having_to_prepare_myself_to_hang_out_with_some/,going bowling friend school weekend looking forward also scared ruining night wanna time wanna come depressing everyone put happy face act like everything okay really suck know wish could vocal life given blank look everyone turn mood sour negativity tip maybe good time considered taking adderall solve problem idk,prepare hang friend,official wasteland,565,55,official wasteland going bowling friend school weekend looking forward also scared ruining night wanna time wanna come depressing everyone put happy face act like everything okay really suck know wish could vocal life given blank look everyone turn mood sour negativity tip maybe good time considered taking adderall solve problem idk prepare hang friend
Psychic Deadness depression conflation?,"I, like I think many people here, like to sometimes exist in a fantasy world, where we are worshiped or heroes or even the creators, as a means of escaping.

 I, like I suspect many here are, am a massive anime and fantasy nerd, but also am very into science explaining stuff. 

The other night I types ESP / Psychic into Google Scholar and I stumbled upon a great book called Psychic Deadness- Michael Eigen, which so aptly describes a lot of the sentiment I can feel from this sub. 

If you are able to, give the first few pages a read and maybe this can help you articulate your own emotions better and find the source of a lot of the suffering",Zangoma,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpc78/psychic_deadness_depression_conflation/,like think many people like sometimes exist fantasy world worshiped hero even creator mean escaping like suspect many massive anime fantasy nerd also science explaining stuff night type esp psychic google scholar stumbled upon great book called psychic deadness michael eigen aptly describes lot sentiment feel sub able give first page read maybe help articulate emotion better find source lot suffering,psychic deadness depression conflation,zan go,647,39,zan go like think many people like sometimes exist fantasy world worshiped hero even creator mean escaping like suspect many massive anime fantasy nerd also science explaining stuff night type esp psychic google scholar stumbled upon great book called psychic deadness michael eigen aptly describes lot sentiment feel sub able give first page read maybe help articulate emotion better find source lot suffering psychic deadness depression conflation
i got my senior pictures back 2 days ago,"i wouldn’t look at them.

my mom was so excited to show me.

and i couldnt look at them.

because i hate the way i look so fucking much.

i think that was the worst thing ive ever done.

it was so mean to crush her spirit like that.

im so so sorry.

she said i looked so handsome and kept trying to show me and i just refused and refused and refused.

what the fuck is wrong with me.

i dont think i deserve to live with bullshit like that",183892739292737,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqus6/i_got_my_senior_pictures_back_2_days_ago/,look mom wa excited show couldnt look hate way look fucking much think wa worst thing ive ever done wa mean crush spirit like im sorry said looked handsome kept trying show refused refused refused fuck wrong dont think deserve live bullshit like,got senior picture back 2 day ago,183892739292737,440,40,183892739292737 look mom wa excited show couldnt look hate way look fucking much think wa worst thing ive ever done wa mean crush spirit like im sorry said looked handsome kept trying show refused refused refused fuck wrong dont think deserve live bullshit like got senior picture back 2 day ago
Tomorrow is my thesis defense and I am not doing anything,"I tried making progress on my thesis from a few weeks back but it has been so difficult, not just in a mental state. Ever since I got depression, I have the hardest time focusing on stuff. Even if I tried to focus on doing stuff I enjoy doing, I can't do it for long, my head gets dizzy. I can't read lines in a book without getting my vision blurry and end up forgetting which line I was supposed to read.

And I also have the hardest time to recall short term and long term memories. These days I would have lunch and half an hour later I would ask myself ""wait, did I eat lunch today ? or was it yesterday ? Do I need to eat again ?"". I can't tell which day of the week is it. I currently don't have the two things that are absolutely crucial for my productivity, which is concentration and memory. I try to bring myself up but it is so freaking hard when my body can't respond back.

I guess now I just have to do what I can and try to brace myself for tomorrow, for I am sure to be destroyed during my defense tomorrow. I am scared sh\*tless because I know one of the professors can be ruthless and heartless, can only imagine how heartbreaking it will be tomorrow. I want to pat myself on the back and say ""Its okay, its gonna be fine. You've done your best against all odds. If you fail tomorrow its fine, you can try again next time"" but I can't bring myself to do that, and I am scared and I feel alone. I just feel like I need a hug.",southwestperson,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdquqj/tomorrow_is_my_thesis_defense_and_i_am_not_doing/,tried making progress thesis week back ha difficult mental state ever since got depression hardest time focusing stuff even tried focus stuff enjoy long head get dizzy read line book without getting vision blurry end forgetting line wa supposed read also hardest time recall short term long term memory day would lunch half hour later would ask wait eat lunch today wa yesterday need eat tell day week currently two thing absolutely crucial productivity concentration memory try bring freaking hard body respond back guess try brace tomorrow sure destroyed defense tomorrow scared sh tless know one professor ruthless heartless imagine heartbreaking tomorrow want pat back say okay gonna fine done best odds fail tomorrow fine try next time bring scared feel alone feel like need hug,tomorrow thesis defense anything,southwest person,1443,57,southwest person tried making progress thesis week back ha difficult mental state ever since got depression hardest time focusing stuff even tried focus stuff enjoy long head get dizzy read line book without getting vision blurry end forgetting line wa supposed read also hardest time recall short term long term memory day would lunch half hour later would ask wait eat lunch today wa yesterday need eat tell day week currently two thing absolutely crucial productivity concentration memory try bring freaking hard body respond back guess try brace tomorrow sure destroyed defense tomorrow scared sh tless know one professor ruthless heartless imagine heartbreaking tomorrow want pat back say okay gonna fine done best odds fail tomorrow fine try next time bring scared feel alone feel like need hug tomorrow thesis defense anything
I'm drinking myself to death and it is causing my family pain,"The reason I drink is to self medicate because I saw my friend pass away in a car accident when I was 19. We were both stupid and I challenged him to a race using our parents cars. Basically, he understeered into a tree. I have tried therapy but it didn't work for me. I was also diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I stopped taking my prescription because it didn't work for me. I feel that I have blood on my hands because I was the one who made him do it. 

My parents and grandfather came to me and told me that they were worried about my drinking problem. I sometimes drink a bottle of Vodka a day. I just want to drink myself to death. My granddad tried to relate to the situation by telling me about the things he was in Vietnam. I walked out because I was upset about everything. I now think that I was out of order and I would do anything to apologise. But at the same time, I feel that they shouldn't have bought my grandfather along because he is getting Parkinsons disease so I don't want him to worry about me as well.",Hlp4me,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdkyyj/im_drinking_myself_to_death_and_it_is_causing_my/,reason drink self medicate saw friend pas away car accident wa 19 stupid challenged race using parent car basically understeered tree tried therapy work wa also diagnosed ptsd depression stopped taking prescription work feel blood hand wa one made parent grandfather came told worried drinking problem sometimes drink bottle vodka day want drink death granddad tried relate situation telling thing wa vietnam walked wa upset everything think wa order would anything apologise time feel bought grandfather along getting parkinson disease want worry well,drinking death causing family pain,h lp 4,1031,61,h lp 4 reason drink self medicate saw friend pas away car accident wa 19 stupid challenged race using parent car basically understeered tree tried therapy work wa also diagnosed ptsd depression stopped taking prescription work feel blood hand wa one made parent grandfather came told worried drinking problem sometimes drink bottle vodka day want drink death granddad tried relate situation telling thing wa vietnam walked wa upset everything think wa order would anything apologise time feel bought grandfather along getting parkinson disease want worry well drinking death causing family pain
That weird chest pain,Anyone ever get hurt by something and you feel a weird thing in your chest? Kinda like if you took your soul and just pushed it deeper inside you. Anyone?,MildlyScaryMayo,31,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fd9qj8/that_weird_chest_pain/,anyone ever get hurt something feel weird thing chest kinda like took soul pushed deeper inside anyone,weird chest pain,mildly scary mayo,154,21,mildly scary mayo anyone ever get hurt something feel weird thing chest kinda like took soul pushed deeper inside anyone weird chest pain
Image,"I hate being undesirable. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Hopefully with this new haircut I could not look as untouchable. Especially since no one has liked me, I feel so pathetic in a way. I’m just ranting. I was sitting and thinking how bad I feel about my appearance and how much I try to be better. I got slimmer, got more muscle, haircut and all. All around, it’s a nightmare. It’s late and all I think about these hours are either suicide or imagining I am someone else. When I can, I fantasize about how my day would be different if I was a new man. I would look better, have friends, a girlfriend, a full loving and able-bodied family, nice house, etc. I guess it’s just the land of dreams for me until I die.",DrakenJosh98,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqqhv/image/,hate undesirable hate looking mirror hopefully new haircut could look untouchable especially since one ha liked feel pathetic way ranting wa sitting thinking bad feel appearance much try better got slimmer got muscle haircut around nightmare late think hour either suicide imagining someone else fantasize day would different wa new man would look better friend girlfriend full loving able bodied family nice house etc guess land dream die,image,draken josh 98,725,5,draken josh 98 hate undesirable hate looking mirror hopefully new haircut could look untouchable especially since one ha liked feel pathetic way ranting wa sitting thinking bad feel appearance much try better got slimmer got muscle haircut around nightmare late think hour either suicide imagining someone else fantasize day would different wa new man would look better friend girlfriend full loving able bodied family nice house etc guess land dream die image
How do you cope with being side-lined by your parents?,"My brother is married, they're expecting a baby, and now it's as if my parents have written me off altogether. My dad visited recently, he stayed with my brother, and I went to visit them everyday. But I knew my dad wouldn't have missed me if I wasn't there. Even before he left he said to my brother and sister in law that it was great seeing them both. He then remembered I was there too and quickly said ""you three"". 

I've always known I'm the least favourite. The dispensible one. But to see that my dad actually might prefer my sister in law. I understand. I love her too. I suppose I failed at life and this is its way of pushing me out?",CaledoniaHeart91,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnxdf/how_do_you_cope_with_being_sidelined_by_your/,brother married expecting baby parent written altogether dad visited recently stayed brother went visit everyday knew dad missed even left said brother sister law wa great seeing remembered wa quickly said three always known least favourite dispensible one see dad actually might prefer sister law understand love suppose failed life way pushing,cope side lined parent,caledonia heart 91,644,54,caledonia heart 91 brother married expecting baby parent written altogether dad visited recently stayed brother went visit everyday knew dad missed even left said brother sister law wa great seeing remembered wa quickly said three always known least favourite dispensible one see dad actually might prefer sister law understand love suppose failed life way pushing cope side lined parent
"I know this will get lost, but I'm just so tired of being alive.","Every day now for years, it's been exactly the same. Wake up, attend online school, get scolded by my teachers and parents for my poor grades and how slow I am, spend hours doing homework I struggle with, be overwhelmed and stressed about my life, cry, go to bed, and repeat. On the weekends I'll either just sit in my room all day watching YouTube or nap all day because I can't even find the energy to get out of bed and do anything. I can't even find the will to finish my overwhelming amounts of homework. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't have any skills, talents, or interests, and I can't even get a job since I live in the middle of nowhere and I'm terrified of learning to drive. I don't even really know anything about the real world. I'm just a husk of a person who rots in isolation in my room all day fantasizing about dying. I am so desperately alone and I feel like a absolute worthless moron. My entire life I've never even had one friend to talk or confide in. Every time in the past when I was going to public school and tried to make friends with people I always fucked up and made myself look idiotic because I never understood how to talk to people and form connections with them. I can't even make online friends. No one cares about me, not even my own parents. Every time I try to have a conversation with my mom, (who is the only thing keeping me from not being totally socially isolated as I am pathetically desperate just to have someone talk to me since I have no one else) she doesn't even bother to pretend to listen to me. She has more important things to do than spare a moment of her time talking to me. I get it, but I wish she didn't make it so obvious. 

I just am so tired of trying to survive each day of hell by myself. I don't see how life can get any better when I'm already incapable of achieving anything. It doesn't help either that I'm so scared about the future. I don't know what I want out of my life, and even if I did, I'd have no idea how to get there with how far I've fallen behind everyone else and how unmotivated I am. I'm scared of fucking my life up even more than I already have. Maybe it'd be easier at this point for me to just drown myself to prevent having a depressing future where I'm suffering even more. I don't really know.

I don't expect anyone to actually read this, but if you did, thank you so much. I hope you find some form of peace today.",anxxxer,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqmoh/i_know_this_will_get_lost_but_im_just_so_tired_of/,every day year exactly wake attend online school get scolded teacher parent poor grade slow spend hour homework struggle overwhelmed stressed life cry go bed repeat weekend either sit room day watching youtube nap day even find energy get bed anything even find finish overwhelming amount homework enjoy anything anymore skill talent interest even get job since live middle nowhere terrified learning drive even really know anything real world husk person rot isolation room day fantasizing dying desperately alone feel like absolute worthless moron entire life never even one friend talk confide every time past wa going public school tried make friend people always fucked made look idiotic never understood talk people form connection even make online friend one care even parent every time try conversation mom thing keeping totally socially isolated pathetically desperate someone talk since one else even bother pretend listen ha important thing spare moment time talking get wish make obvious tired trying survive day hell see life get better already incapable achieving anything help either scared future know want life even idea get far fallen behind everyone else unmotivated scared fucking life even already maybe easier point drown prevent depressing future suffering even really know expect anyone actually read thank much hope find form peace today,know get lost tired alive,xxx er,2419,64,xxx er every day year exactly wake attend online school get scolded teacher parent poor grade slow spend hour homework struggle overwhelmed stressed life cry go bed repeat weekend either sit room day watching youtube nap day even find energy get bed anything even find finish overwhelming amount homework enjoy anything anymore skill talent interest even get job since live middle nowhere terrified learning drive even really know anything real world husk person rot isolation room day fantasizing dying desperately alone feel like absolute worthless moron entire life never even one friend talk confide every time past wa going public school tried make friend people always fucked made look idiotic never understood talk people form connection even make online friend one care even parent every time try conversation mom thing keeping totally socially isolated pathetically desperate someone talk since one else even bother pretend listen ha important thing spare moment time talking get wish make obvious tired trying survive day hell see life get better already incapable achieving anything help either scared future know want life even idea get far fallen behind everyone else unmotivated scared fucking life even already maybe easier point drown prevent depressing future suffering even really know expect anyone actually read thank much hope find form peace today know get lost tired alive
I need tips on living with depression,I fell into a deep dark place 6 months ago and haven’t made much progress. The only thing holding me together is meds. So how do you make your days more bearable?,borchadingus,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqlo4/i_need_tips_on_living_with_depression/,fell deep dark place 6 month ago made much progress thing holding together med make day bearable,need tip living depression,bor chad gu,162,37,bor chad gu fell deep dark place 6 month ago made much progress thing holding together med make day bearable need tip living depression
How do you repent for years of wrong doing?,"I’ve grown disgusted with myself and hating myself. Nothing i can say can seem to right the wrongs i’ve done, and i’m paying for it now by losing relationships with all the ones i love. I don’t see any future where things can be mended. I’m out of ideas, and don’t want to go on anymore.",Jim_C-137,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqj3o/how_do_you_repent_for_years_of_wrong_doing/,grown disgusted hating nothing say seem right wrong done paying losing relationship one love see future thing mended idea want go anymore,repent year wrong,jim c 137,287,43,jim c 137 grown disgusted hating nothing say seem right wrong done paying losing relationship one love see future thing mended idea want go anymore repent year wrong
There is truly no light at the end of the tunnel,I'm at a point where I've seen no light at the end of the tunnel for quite a while. I've lightly thought about just ending it for some time as well. Tonight I feel it like never before. Still though there is a voice telling me that's stupid and of course I can't do that. But I'm scared that voice will go away someday? I don't know. I don't know how it works. I just want to feel okay again. I looked at some old photos today and there was one where I realized that was the last time I truly felt good. I don't remember being scared or sad or numb or even considering something stupid like this. Not sure what the point of this post is. I just wish there was something I could do to feel good.,Throwawayyyyysha,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqfkv/there_is_truly_no_light_at_the_end_of_the_tunnel/,point seen light end tunnel quite lightly thought ending time well tonight feel like never still though voice telling stupid course scared voice go away someday know know work want feel okay looked old photo today wa one realized wa last time truly felt good remember scared sad numb even considering something stupid like sure point post wish wa something could feel good,truly light end tunnel,throwaway yyyy sha,694,48,throwaway yyyy sha point seen light end tunnel quite lightly thought ending time well tonight feel like never still though voice telling stupid course scared voice go away someday know know work want feel okay looked old photo today wa one realized wa last time truly felt good remember scared sad numb even considering something stupid like sure point post wish wa something could feel good truly light end tunnel
5minutes from ending it,Had a good run can't take it anymore can't figure out a reason not to end it,Moeboylildee,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnlfu/5minutes_from_ending_it/,good run take anymore figure reason end,5minutes ending,moe boy lil dee,76,23,moe boy lil dee good run take anymore figure reason end 5minutes ending
Endless toil,"What will we do when we're left with the shattered memories of a long lost pain, left in a turmoil of physical strain, we have nothing left but a guilt to obtain. Now we feel undead tonight, left to ourselves we take to a purposeless flight. We do not know where to go, and with everything that's happened we've come up with nothing left to show.",DailyDoseDepression,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqfbp/endless_toil/,left shattered memory long lost pain left turmoil physical strain nothing left guilt obtain feel undead tonight left take purposeless flight know go everything happened come nothing left show,endless toil,daily dose depression,346,12,daily dose depression left shattered memory long lost pain left turmoil physical strain nothing left guilt obtain feel undead tonight left take purposeless flight know go everything happened come nothing left show endless toil
Have you ever felt like your life was going to be short and/tragic.,"I don't know if it's the anxeity disorder or what, but lately I've been thinking for some reason that my life is gonna be short and end with a tragic and traumatic death. It's been kind of scaring me lately. I've also been having dreams about car crashes to the point I'm scared to drive farther than 5 minutes from my house. It may seem stupid but I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced this before.",kparsons1615,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqebz/have_you_ever_felt_like_your_life_was_going_to_be/,know anxeity disorder lately thinking reason life gonna short end tragic traumatic death kind scaring lately also dream car crash point scared drive farther 5 minute house may seem stupid curious anyone else ha experienced,ever felt like life wa going short tragic,k parson 1615,409,67,k parson 1615 know anxeity disorder lately thinking reason life gonna short end tragic traumatic death kind scaring lately also dream car crash point scared drive farther 5 minute house may seem stupid curious anyone else ha experienced ever felt like life wa going short tragic
My boyfriend scared me for a minute,"I had sent him a picture of my cat sitting on a windowsill by an open window. I was thinking about how I wish I wasn’t depressed and how I wanted to just kill myself, and he sent me a message that said “No don’t jump” but referring to the cat picture.",ZealousidealWallaby7,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqcrl/my_boyfriend_scared_me_for_a_minute/,sent picture cat sitting windowsill open window wa thinking wish depressed wanted kill sent message said jump referring cat picture,boyfriend scared minute,zealous ideal wallaby 7,251,35,zealous ideal wallaby 7 sent picture cat sitting windowsill open window wa thinking wish depressed wanted kill sent message said jump referring cat picture boyfriend scared minute
"i dont hate myself, im fine i just find life to be pointless and nothing excites me anymore","first of all let me say i dont have a problem with myself, im good the depression isnt about anything personal. my thing is more existential. human beings have  made great leaps in the last hundred years which when you think about it is just a speck on calendar. as far as movies and music to me it just seems like every song has been written and every tvshow/movie has been made and we as a species are just kind of going through the motions. to add to this is this innate sense of self destruction that humans have, its hard for me to put into words but it seems like we have come to do what w need to do and our time is probably up. i mean how many times can we see the same movie (franchise reboots anyone) or the same songs as we run out of original melodies on top of other factors such as a.i and world friction. to me it seems like we are just tapering towards an end and id rather it not be som long drawn out song and dance. im not sure if that makes sense but thts how i could verbalise in a way my feelings",cuechtritz,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdon5y/i_dont_hate_myself_im_fine_i_just_find_life_to_be/,first let say dont problem im good depression isnt anything personal thing existential human made great leap last hundred year think speck calendar far movie music seems like every song ha written every tvshow movie ha made specie kind going motion add innate sense self destruction human hard put word seems like come w need time probably mean many time see movie franchise reboots anyone song run original melody top factor world friction seems like tapering towards end id rather som long drawn song dance im sure make sense thts could verbalise way feeling,dont hate im fine find life pointless nothing excites anymore,cu echt ritz,1018,91,cu echt ritz first let say dont problem im good depression isnt anything personal thing existential human made great leap last hundred year think speck calendar far movie music seems like every song ha written every tvshow movie ha made specie kind going motion add innate sense self destruction human hard put word seems like come w need time probably mean many time see movie franchise reboots anyone song run original melody top factor world friction seems like tapering towards end id rather som long drawn song dance im sure make sense thts could verbalise way feeling dont hate im fine find life pointless nothing excites anymore
I'm SO FUCKING TIRED,"sorry that seems obvious if your depressed. But like, I'm to tired to put makeup on. For the last 10 months. I'm normally a wake and face kinda gal. 
I gave up my job to go back to school full time after the birth of my youngest. Childcare is so expensive it's not worth it! So I am at home. Which I love? But hate. I keep feeling like I want to GO HOME, but there is no home to go to. I have intrusive and very specific self harm thoughts, but I'm on meds and seeing a doctor. 
Idk, does anyone else just feel LOST?",YoukonKat,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq744/im_so_fucking_tired/,sorry seems obvious depressed like tired put makeup last 10 month normally wake face kinda gal gave job go back school full time birth youngest childcare expensive worth home love hate keep feeling like want go home home go intrusive specific self harm thought med seeing doctor idk doe anyone else feel lost,fucking tired,kon kat,516,20,kon kat sorry seems obvious depressed like tired put makeup last 10 month normally wake face kinda gal gave job go back school full time birth youngest childcare expensive worth home love hate keep feeling like want go home home go intrusive specific self harm thought med seeing doctor idk doe anyone else feel lost fucking tired
Hey everyone I really need help for my little brother,"I’ve noticed my younger brother (18) has been having some depressive thoughts. We live in different cities. I’m so glad that he’s able to be vulnerable with me and tell me when he’s feeling down, but I don’t know what to do next. I think I might be the only one in the family he’s talking to. Should I tell other? I don’t believeI should handle this myself but I’m not sure how everyone will react. Is it possible to be overbearing to someone who might be depressed and push them away? Would sharing make him lose trust in me?",inthelab24-8,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq6xx/hey_everyone_i_really_need_help_for_my_little/,noticed younger brother 18 ha depressive thought live different city glad able vulnerable tell feeling know next think might one family talking tell believei handle sure everyone react possible overbearing someone might depressed push away would sharing make lose trust,hey everyone really need help little brother,lab 24 8,526,53,lab 24 8 noticed younger brother 18 ha depressive thought live different city glad able vulnerable tell feeling know next think might one family talking tell believei handle sure everyone react possible overbearing someone might depressed push away would sharing make lose trust hey everyone really need help little brother
About to lose my job,"I've been working for about a year at this company. Things havent been working out and I'm not as motivated as I once was.. I still manage to be on time and try but I honestly just dislike the work. I dislike it because I feel like I hardly understand it. I cant understand it better because I cant focus and I'm too tired to put in anymore outside efforts.

The bad news is, once they fire me I'll owe a lot of money for breaching my contract. I just dont know if theres an easy way out of this.",TheRealPaulWalker,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq6f0/about_to_lose_my_job/,working year company thing havent working motivated wa still manage time try honestly dislike work dislike feel like hardly understand cant understand better cant focus tired put anymore outside effort bad news fire owe lot money breaching contract dont know easy way,lose job,real paul walker,496,20,real paul walker working year company thing havent working motivated wa still manage time try honestly dislike work dislike feel like hardly understand cant understand better cant focus tired put anymore outside effort bad news fire owe lot money breaching contract dont know easy way lose job
Will today just please go away?,Spent almost all day at the hospital. Internet down (I'm using a public network to write this) and then I threw up in bed so now I have to change sheets at almost 3am.   Geez can't something go right for once?,Glass_Cress,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdoiey/will_today_just_please_go_away/,spent almost day hospital internet using public network write threw bed change sheet almost 3am geez something go right,today please go away,glass cress,209,31,glass cress spent almost day hospital internet using public network write threw bed change sheet almost 3am geez something go right today please go away
Realized that sometimes I’m not depressed about things in my life,"I feel like there’s just so much pain in this world and I hate seeing others go through it (poverty, sickness, etc.). So I just feel sad. It’s almost like seeing other people sad makes me sad. I am of course anxious about things in my personal life, but lately that hasn’t been bothering me as much and I’ve just been experiencing a general depression that I haven’t experienced since high school. Does anyone else relate to this?? Just feeling sad bc there’s so many horrible things in this world?",ansdhuskansjak,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq4wy/realized_that_sometimes_im_not_depressed_about/,feel like much pain world hate seeing others go poverty sickness etc feel sad almost like seeing people sad make sad course anxious thing personal life lately bothering much experiencing general depression experienced since high school doe anyone else relate feeling sad bc many horrible thing world,realized sometimes depressed thing life,sd husk jak,498,65,sd husk jak feel like much pain world hate seeing others go poverty sickness etc feel sad almost like seeing people sad make sad course anxious thing personal life lately bothering much experiencing general depression experienced since high school doe anyone else relate feeling sad bc many horrible thing world realized sometimes depressed thing life
Why can’t I grow up? (Maybe you’ll relate),"Had a birthday, I am 22 now. I still live with my parents. Got kicked out of my state university and am at community college now for the second year. Take maybe 1-2 classes a semester (anymore and I’ll be overwhelmed). Work about 10 hours per week at a data entry job my parents work at. Still come home and put off doing any homework or studying so I can play video games. Skip class a lot. Watch the same few shows over and over. Don’t have a concrete idea for my future or what I’m going to do with it. 

Still laugh at humor I found funny when I was in my teens. Lie to all my old friends (haven’t made a single new one in college, all friends are from high school or before) about how my life is going. Don’t exercise often (genetics allow me to still be skinny, expect for my face which accumulates fat beneath my chin. Not a good look.) Self conscious about how skinny I am and never wear short sleeves in the summer. Social anxiety about my appearance.

What is wrong with me?? Why can’t I move on from certain parts of my life and grow up and be more responsible and mature? What could this possibly be??",OneDesctructiveMan,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpzjd/why_cant_i_grow_up_maybe_youll_relate/,birthday 22 still live parent got kicked state university community college second year take maybe 1 2 class semester anymore overwhelmed work 10 hour per week data entry job parent work still come home put homework studying play video game skip class lot watch show concrete idea future going still laugh humor found funny wa teen lie old friend made single new one college friend high school life going exercise often genetics allow still skinny expect face accumulates fat beneath chin good look self conscious skinny never wear short sleeve summer social anxiety appearance wrong move certain part life grow responsible mature could possibly,grow maybe relate,one desc tru ct ive man,1113,42,one desc tru ct ive man birthday 22 still live parent got kicked state university community college second year take maybe 1 2 class semester anymore overwhelmed work 10 hour per week data entry job parent work still come home put homework studying play video game skip class lot watch show concrete idea future going still laugh humor found funny wa teen lie old friend made single new one college friend high school life going exercise often genetics allow still skinny expect face accumulates fat beneath chin good look self conscious skinny never wear short sleeve summer social anxiety appearance wrong move certain part life grow responsible mature could possibly grow maybe relate
Vent i guess,"This post won’t make sense, and you don’t have to read it but i need to vent so here it goes.

i fee so alone and useless, im not good at anything, i’m suppose to graduate uni next year, i’ll be 21 next month and have never had a job, the only friends i have are the ones i made in high school because i’m incapable of making friends now, i can’t have a conversation with anyone for more than two mins because i’m not interesting, i have nothing to say because my life is boring because i have no friends. none ever genuinely wants to talk to me, none ever texts me first, and in person they just talk to me because i’m /there/ not because they want to.

i just feel so alone and i’m tired",adricll,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpx5c/vent_i_guess/,post make sense read need vent go fee alone useless im good anything suppose graduate uni next year 21 next month never job friend one made high school incapable making friend conversation anyone two min interesting nothing say life boring friend none ever genuinely want talk none ever text first person talk want feel alone tired,vent guess,adric,689,12,adric post make sense read need vent go fee alone useless im good anything suppose graduate uni next year 21 next month never job friend one made high school incapable making friend conversation anyone two min interesting nothing say life boring friend none ever genuinely want talk none ever text first person talk want feel alone tired vent guess
It might not make sense to a lot of people but it really gave me perspective and made me feel a little better!,"I had a thought today while I was mulling over what a shitty mood I’ve been in lately. Basically I was thinking about how my latest depressive episode was lasting longer than usual, about how tired I was and all I wanted to do was take a long ass nap and just chill for a few days- I wanted to not have to deal with all the responsibilities on my plate right now, and thought about how great it would be if I could have someone “take my shift” for my life this week. 
And it just popped into my head that maybe that’s what happens when we get thrown back into depressive episodes- maybe someone has been feeling so shitty for such a long time that the universe has decided to give them a break and I’m the one that’s been chosen to “take the shift”, bearing some heavy emotions, etc. And that when I’m lucky enough to have some free time for an afternoon snooze or just to watch a movie, someone else is taking my “shift” for a while. 

Idk. 

Feels like I’m connected to a bigger picture in a contributing way somehow!",agston,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdjpee/it_might_not_make_sense_to_a_lot_of_people_but_it/,thought today wa mulling shitty mood lately basically wa thinking latest depressive episode wa lasting longer usual tired wa wanted wa take long nap chill day wanted deal responsibility plate right thought great would could someone take shift life week popped head maybe happens get thrown back depressive episode maybe someone ha feeling shitty long time universe ha decided give break one chosen take shift bearing heavy emotion etc lucky enough free time afternoon snooze watch movie someone else taking shift idk feel like connected bigger picture contributing way somehow,might make sense lot people really gave perspective made feel little better,gst,1019,110,gst thought today wa mulling shitty mood lately basically wa thinking latest depressive episode wa lasting longer usual tired wa wanted wa take long nap chill day wanted deal responsibility plate right thought great would could someone take shift life week popped head maybe happens get thrown back depressive episode maybe someone ha feeling shitty long time universe ha decided give break one chosen take shift bearing heavy emotion etc lucky enough free time afternoon snooze watch movie someone else taking shift idk feel like connected bigger picture contributing way somehow might make sense lot people really gave perspective made feel little better
I just want a single day where I don’t feel like taking my life. I’m so sick of this shit.,"Today’s my birthday and in the single hour I’ve been awake, it’s already been one of the shittiest days I’ve had these past few months. I’m fucking sick of being here and I just don’t want to be here anymore god damnit. I just don’t want to be doing this shit. 

I have a girlfriend who genuinely seems to care (no obligation to me or feels stuck with me) and I don’t think I’d be here without her. 

I’m here... but to what benefit?",OriginalZest,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdg5zu/i_just_want_a_single_day_where_i_dont_feel_like/,today birthday single hour awake already one shittiest day past month fucking sick want anymore god damnit want shit girlfriend genuinely seems care obligation feel stuck think without benefit,want single day feel like taking life sick shit,original zest,433,90,original zest today birthday single hour awake already one shittiest day past month fucking sick want anymore god damnit want shit girlfriend genuinely seems care obligation feel stuck think without benefit want single day feel like taking life sick shit
Anxiety has ruined me.,"Everything I've had in life has slowly been ruined by anxiety.  


Friends I used to talk with constantly are now either gone or distant because I just can't keep up with them anymore. I've separated from so much of my family because of my own choices and shitty habits. I'm unable to beat them. For years I've wanted to reconnect with the people I shut out, but I've become trapped in a self-destructive cycle where I'm too ashamed to admit my problems to the same people I just want to make proud.  


I've lost every job the same way. Whether it's throwing up in the bathrooms at work or failing to muster up the courage to even call in sick, it finds its place in the worst possible ways without fail.  
It's been like this for years. I live at home with no job, no car, not even highschool degree four years after I should have graduated. I don't even have a driver's licence.   
I've been hospitalized twice, both times in relation to this problem that just won't go away. Nothing works.  


Every day I'm met with opportunities but pass on every single one of them. I'm young, I'm healthy, and I know I'm still capable. I have so many choices and yet it feels like there are none anymore.",Fish129,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdk8gy/anxiety_has_ruined_me/,everything life ha slowly ruined anxiety friend used talk constantly either gone distant keep anymore separated much family choice shitty habit unable beat year wanted reconnect people shut become trapped self destructive cycle ashamed admit problem people want make proud lost every job way whether throwing bathroom work failing muster courage even call sick find place worst possible way without fail like year live home job car even highschool degree four year graduated even driver licence hospitalized twice time relation problem go away nothing work every day met opportunity pas every single one young healthy know still capable many choice yet feel like none anymore,anxiety ha ruined,fish 129,1195,22,fish 129 everything life ha slowly ruined anxiety friend used talk constantly either gone distant keep anymore separated much family choice shitty habit unable beat year wanted reconnect people shut become trapped self destructive cycle ashamed admit problem people want make proud lost every job way whether throwing bathroom work failing muster courage even call sick find place worst possible way without fail like year live home job car even highschool degree four year graduated even driver licence hospitalized twice time relation problem go away nothing work every day met opportunity pas every single one young healthy know still capable many choice yet feel like none anymore anxiety ha ruined
Would love to contract Coronavirus,In all seriousness though. A reason to stay in bed for like a week and if it killed me I honestly wouldn't be mad....,DudeSupermarket,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdkvk9/would_love_to_contract_coronavirus/,seriousness though reason stay bed like week killed honestly mad,would love contract coronavirus,dude supermarket,117,34,dude supermarket seriousness though reason stay bed like week killed honestly mad would love contract coronavirus
Funny how the depressive episodes are worse when your life is going good,"Had some motivation these past couple months to try and better myself, thinking as long as I had a positive attitude they would go away. I had convinced myself depression was only as bad as you thought it was. Turns out it comes episodically, and now that I have no reason to be depressed and my life has actual reason to live the depression is way worse than ever before. I want to die.",momdestroyer69420,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fddtml/funny_how_the_depressive_episodes_are_worse_when/,motivation past couple month try better thinking long positive attitude would go away convinced depression wa bad thought wa turn come episodically reason depressed life ha actual reason live depression way worse ever want die,funny depressive episode worse life going good,mom destroyer 69420,387,72,mom destroyer 69420 motivation past couple month try better thinking long positive attitude would go away convinced depression wa bad thought wa turn come episodically reason depressed life ha actual reason live depression way worse ever want die funny depressive episode worse life going good
i’m confused is it depression or is it just me unmotivated help,i’ve been feeling really down empty and unmotivated for the past 6 or more months everyday has been a day where all i want is to go bk home and stay alone i don’t have any close friends and i feel like everyone around me doesn’t like my guts which i understand but this is not the case i always feel empty and it’s a really not pleasant feeling at all i don’t have any future plans when i’m supposed to be having i feel like there’s just no future for me so why bother work hard on my grades and if there was one it wouldn’t matter with me if i ended up homeless there’s no point of staying alive at this point expect doing what everyone is expecting me to do and pushing my limits and not understanding what i’m gong through from inside bc of my lack of communication and no one would expect me to be this “depressed” or that i’m actually not ok.,kyrx4,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnvgg/im_confused_is_it_depression_or_is_it_just_me/,feeling really empty unmotivated past 6 month everyday ha day want go bk home stay alone close friend feel like everyone around like gut understand case always feel empty really pleasant feeling future plan supposed feel like future bother work hard grade wa one matter ended homeless point staying alive point expect everyone expecting pushing limit understanding gong inside bc lack communication one would expect depressed actually ok,confused depression unmotivated help,ky r x 4,847,63,ky r x 4 feeling really empty unmotivated past 6 month everyday ha day want go bk home stay alone close friend feel like everyone around like gut understand case always feel empty really pleasant feeling future plan supposed feel like future bother work hard grade wa one matter ended homeless point staying alive point expect everyone expecting pushing limit understanding gong inside bc lack communication one would expect depressed actually ok confused depression unmotivated help
I'm so lost in my own confusion.,"I dont know whether to feel like a strong person for not letting my mental health drive me to alcohol,drugs,self harm or suicide or that my problems are so insignificant that's I dont need those kinds of escape from life. This isn't me taking a shot at anyone who has reverted to those please dont take it that way. 

I'm so mentally and emotionally confused about my own depression",Freshoutafolsom,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnujv/im_so_lost_in_my_own_confusion/,dont know whether feel like strong person letting mental health drive alcohol drug self harm suicide problem insignificant dont need kind escape life taking shot anyone ha reverted please dont take way mentally emotionally confused depression,lost confusion,fresh folsom,382,32,fresh folsom dont know whether feel like strong person letting mental health drive alcohol drug self harm suicide problem insignificant dont need kind escape life taking shot anyone ha reverted please dont take way mentally emotionally confused depression lost confusion
Emotional hurricane,"So this is my first reddit post, so bear with me. I am not suicidal, so I don't want anyone to think I am in dire need of assistance. I don't want to scare anyone. But I do have depression, for 2-3 years now. I wrote a journal entry today that kind of illustrates how i constantly feel. 24/7. I've been journaling on and off for maybe 6 years, but tonight, after 7 months of not writing, I just felt this urgent need to put my feelings to pen and paper. Reading it back, its kind of scary (knowing myself) how dark it is, if that makes sense?  I don't really know why I'm posting it. Maybe someone out there will say 'SAME BITCH I FEEL THE SAME FUCKIN WAYYYYY'??? Who knows. Anyways, here goes:

March 4th, 2020

​

What does it mean when you feel so sad/lost/hopeless, but none of your friends or family seem to notice? To be constantly around people, but to feel so alone? To feel like you're being sucked into this black hole, but no one is around to help you out? To not really know how you feel? To wishing you were brave enough to tell other how you're feeling? To reach out for help? But at the same time, feeling hurt because nobody seems to care? To want someone to look into your eyes and see the sadness and tell you it's going to be okay? For the ones 'closest' to you to hear the lie in your laugh? To feel alone? Abandoned? Like you'll never be happy again? To be so scared that you'll feel this sad and lonely forever? Sometimes I really wonder if there is a single person out there that cares about my feelings, about my health, about my state of mind. I try so hard to be shoulder to cry on for my loved ones, to be a support system. But what about me? I've spent my whole life putting other people's needs before my own, and now that I'm trying SO HARD to focus on myself and put my needs first, I'm alone. Even the few people I've shared my feelings with are nowhere to be seen. What's the point in sharing if nobody cares? Because nobody cares, right? I think it's pretty obvious at this point. So what do you do when you have no support system?  No one in your corner to encourage you? To fight for you? To fight FOR you? When there's no one to tell you 'it's going to be okay'? To give you a hug while you cry? Because you're always crying. I don't know. I just want my smile to be real again.",04sabdi,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpjop/emotional_hurricane/,first reddit post bear suicidal want anyone think dire need assistance want scare anyone depression 2 3 year wrote journal entry today kind illustrates constantly feel 24 7 journaling maybe 6 year tonight 7 month writing felt urgent need put feeling pen paper reading back kind scary knowing dark make sense really know posting maybe someone say bitch feel fuckin wayyyyy know anyways go march 4th 2020 amp x200b doe mean feel sad lost hopeless none friend family seem notice constantly around people feel alone feel like sucked black hole one around help really know feel wishing brave enough tell feeling reach help time feeling hurt nobody seems care want someone look eye see sadness tell going okay one closest hear lie laugh feel alone abandoned like never happy scared feel sad lonely forever sometimes really wonder single person care feeling health state mind try hard shoulder cry loved one support system spent whole life putting people need trying hard focus put need first alone even people shared feeling nowhere seen point sharing nobody care nobody care right think pretty obvious point support system one corner encourage fight fight one tell going okay give hug cry always cry know want smile real,emotional hurricane,04 abdi,2326,19,04 abdi first reddit post bear suicidal want anyone think dire need assistance want scare anyone depression 2 3 year wrote journal entry today kind illustrates constantly feel 24 7 journaling maybe 6 year tonight 7 month writing felt urgent need put feeling pen paper reading back kind scary knowing dark make sense really know posting maybe someone say bitch feel fuckin wayyyyy know anyways go march 4th 2020 amp x200b doe mean feel sad lost hopeless none friend family seem notice constantly around people feel alone feel like sucked black hole one around help really know feel wishing brave enough tell feeling reach help time feeling hurt nobody seems care want someone look eye see sadness tell going okay one closest hear lie laugh feel alone abandoned like never happy scared feel sad lonely forever sometimes really wonder single person care feeling health state mind try hard shoulder cry loved one support system spent whole life putting people need trying hard focus put need first alone even people shared feeling nowhere seen point sharing nobody care nobody care right think pretty obvious point support system one corner encourage fight fight one tell going okay give hug cry always cry know want smile real emotional hurricane
favourite things when stuck in bed,"hey there everybody,

you know when you can't get out of bed for days at a time, well what's your favourite thing to do while stuck in bed?

i like to sleep. it's weird but when i'm depressed i don't listen to music much. except music that makes me feel nostalgic, occasionally. normally when my depression shifts into a more passive state i listen to lots of music. lots of youtube but that's not terribly stimulating though",trisdank,11,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdry7j/favourite_things_when_stuck_in_bed/,hey everybody know get bed day time well favourite thing stuck bed like sleep weird depressed listen music much except music make feel nostalgic occasionally normally depression shift passive state listen lot music lot youtube terribly stimulating though,favourite thing stuck bed,tr dank,425,34,tr dank hey everybody know get bed day time well favourite thing stuck bed like sleep weird depressed listen music much except music make feel nostalgic occasionally normally depression shift passive state listen lot music lot youtube terribly stimulating though favourite thing stuck bed
I am nothing to everyone.,"I don’t understand, I can’t make friends, I get I am really shy. But even when I try to be social I get shut out. Nobody I used to talk to wants to talk to me anymore. I have never felt this alone and struggling more and more everyday to keep going. I left a domestic violent relationship and they’re days that haunt me of what happened and it shuts me down even more. I sit alone in my car at lunch because no one wants to be around me. I hate myself. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad person? Sometimes I wonder why keep up fighting when no one gives a fuck about you. You’re destined to be nothing and no one. I have a cell phone and social media but why? No one msgs me, texts me, or calls me. No one would know if I was gone because no one gives a shit about me.",fsociety_00_dat,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpj4j/i_am_nothing_to_everyone/,understand make friend get really shy even try social get shut nobody used talk want talk anymore never felt alone struggling everyday keep going left domestic violent relationship day haunt happened shuts even sit alone car lunch one want around hate something wrong bad person sometimes wonder keep fighting one give fuck destined nothing one cell phone social medium one msg text call one would know wa gone one give shit,nothing everyone,f society 00 dat,778,25,f society 00 dat understand make friend get really shy even try social get shut nobody used talk want talk anymore never felt alone struggling everyday keep going left domestic violent relationship day haunt happened shuts even sit alone car lunch one want around hate something wrong bad person sometimes wonder keep fighting one give fuck destined nothing one cell phone social medium one msg text call one would know wa gone one give shit nothing everyone
Wish I wouldn’t wake,Most nights I struggle to sleep and sometimes I wish I don’t even wake up. I’m so tired of feeling like this. Even when I have a good day one thing always drags me down. I don’t think I’ll ever come out of this. Good night I guess.,jgrillo23,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpiv2/wish_i_wouldnt_wake/,night struggle sleep sometimes wish even wake tired feeling like even good day one thing always drag think ever come good night guess,wish wake,j grillo 23,231,20,j grillo 23 night struggle sleep sometimes wish even wake tired feeling like even good day one thing always drag think ever come good night guess wish wake
I'm failing school and I cant explain to the teachers why I'm doing bad because they won't care,"I'm getting really bad grades in a class I used to be really good at. And in another class I'm being really disorganized losing sheets and not getting homework done on time. Truth is, Im exhausted from the moment I wake up so I'll just sleep when i get home, or I'll need to distract myself with a low effort activity rather than concentrate on homework to calm myself down from wanting to hurt myself. But I'm just lazy right? It's so frustrating being seen as careless when I'm just trying to survive. But my teachers expect me to get over myself because everyone goes through hard times. I'm already seeing a school counsellor who's not helping in any way and it's in secret because my parents wont let me see a proper therapist. Yesterday when I got 2 essays back I got E on both of them and I just wanted to tear my hair out because I'm trying so hard to balance everything out but it's not good enough. Seriously, all I can think about is killing myself and it's good enough that I actually come into school when I dont want anyone to see me because I feel too ugly, and I try to socialise with people and not zone out in class for like 8 hours. I just want everyone to know I have depression and help me out in any way but no. They dont give a shit. So I'll just fail and theyll never know why.",bsmith223,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdlehk/im_failing_school_and_i_cant_explain_to_the/,getting really bad grade class used really good another class really disorganized losing sheet getting homework done time truth im exhausted moment wake sleep get home need distract low effort activity rather concentrate homework calm wanting hurt lazy right frustrating seen careless trying survive teacher expect get everyone go hard time already seeing school counsellor helping way secret parent wont let see proper therapist yesterday got 2 essay back got e wanted tear hair trying hard balance everything good enough seriously think killing good enough actually come school dont want anyone see feel ugly try socialise people zone class like 8 hour want everyone know depression help way dont give shit fail theyll never know,failing school cant explain teacher bad care,b smith 223,1301,95,b smith 223 getting really bad grade class used really good another class really disorganized losing sheet getting homework done time truth im exhausted moment wake sleep get home need distract low effort activity rather concentrate homework calm wanting hurt lazy right frustrating seen careless trying survive teacher expect get everyone go hard time already seeing school counsellor helping way secret parent wont let see proper therapist yesterday got 2 essay back got e wanted tear hair trying hard balance everything good enough seriously think killing good enough actually come school dont want anyone see feel ugly try socialise people zone class like 8 hour want everyone know depression help way dont give shit fail theyll never know failing school cant explain teacher bad care
I finally cleaned my room after several months of letting trash accumulate! (takeout and beer bottles mostly). I finally can leave my door open without being embarrassed about my roommate seeing the state of my room.,"They're few and far between, but today was a good day.",TheRealSlimSaady,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdle7q/i_finally_cleaned_my_room_after_several_months_of/,far today wa good day,finally cleaned room several month letting trash accumulate takeout beer bottle mostly finally leave door open without embarrassed roommate seeing state room,real slims dy,54,216,real slims dy far today wa good day finally cleaned room several month letting trash accumulate takeout beer bottle mostly finally leave door open without embarrassed roommate seeing state room
Someone tell me it’s gonna be ok please,I’m within inches of losing my job. I (M25) spent the last year at this job spiraling in apathy and it’s catching up with me. I’ve been written up and reprimanded and if I lose this job I’m gonna lose my house and possibly my wife. Wtf do I do? My depression is just fucking my life up again.,poorandugly721,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdld65/someone_tell_me_its_gonna_be_ok_please/,within inch losing job m25 spent last year job spiraling apathy catching written reprimanded lose job gonna lose house possibly wife wtf depression fucking life,someone tell gonna ok please,poor ugly 721,292,39,poor ugly 721 within inch losing job m25 spent last year job spiraling apathy catching written reprimanded lose job gonna lose house possibly wife wtf depression fucking life someone tell gonna ok please
Venting.,"Hi. I have had a bit of a rough day and honestly it feels like my thoughts are actually killing me. So I really feel like I need to express my feelings right now.
So my thoughts are just gonna be thrown out there so without further ado....
I think I suck. At everything...my job, having friends, just...everything really. It honestly feels like I cannot just work like a human being.

Now don't get me wrong, i don't hate life. I have things I rather love about life such as my family and my job including the people I work with.

And everyone keeps telling me how ""nice"" and ""good"" I am at my job such as winning a rather ""employee of the month"" sorta thing but as strange as this seems....

I struggle to believe them. Now of course I'm not calling them liars I just find it to hard to believe. I know that sounds rather stupid but I honestly just can't help feel this way.

As I said I truly love my job and everyone there but that is honestly where most of my self esteem comes from so constantly thinking I'm horrible at it is obviously not a good cycle.

Now as for everything else apart from my job, well I will just break it down like this:
I'm at overweight, ugly, shy, embarssing and awkward guy that honestly anyone could cringe at talking to. And of course I'm trying to overcome some of these things like the overweight part but...I'm honestly losing hope at this point and it's giving thoughts of doing something silly to my self.

Sorry about this silly dump of self pity but I actually couldn't think of what else to do.

Thanks for reading and have a good rest day.",WrestlingWanker,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnnej/venting/,hi bit rough day honestly feel like thought actually killing really feel like need express feeling right thought gonna thrown without ado think suck everything job friend everything really honestly feel like cannot work like human get wrong hate life thing rather love life family job including people work everyone keep telling nice good job winning rather employee month sorta thing strange seems struggle believe course calling liar find hard believe know sound rather stupid honestly help feel way said truly love job everyone honestly self esteem come constantly thinking horrible obviously good cycle everything else apart job well break like overweight ugly shy embarssing awkward guy honestly anyone could cringe talking course trying overcome thing like overweight part honestly losing hope point giving thought something silly self sorry silly dump self pity actually think else thanks reading good rest day,venting,wrestling w anker,1582,8,wrestling w anker hi bit rough day honestly feel like thought actually killing really feel like need express feeling right thought gonna thrown without ado think suck everything job friend everything really honestly feel like cannot work like human get wrong hate life thing rather love life family job including people work everyone keep telling nice good job winning rather employee month sorta thing strange seems struggle believe course calling liar find hard believe know sound rather stupid honestly help feel way said truly love job everyone honestly self esteem come constantly thinking horrible obviously good cycle everything else apart job well break like overweight ugly shy embarssing awkward guy honestly anyone could cringe talking course trying overcome thing like overweight part honestly losing hope point giving thought something silly self sorry silly dump self pity actually think else thanks reading good rest day venting
Can't look at myself in the mirror without hating every molecule of my body,"I can't look at myself.

I'm revolting in the inside and the outside, the more I look at myself the more I want to tear my face off, I deserve to die like the horrid monster I am.

That's what goes through my mind every day all day",thethrowawayguy82,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnmdh/cant_look_at_myself_in_the_mirror_without_hating/,look revolting inside outside look want tear face deserve die like horrid monster go mind every day day,look mirror without hating every molecule body,throwaway guy 82,231,75,throwaway guy 82 look revolting inside outside look want tear face deserve die like horrid monster go mind every day day look mirror without hating every molecule body
i have officially hit the lowest i have ever been.,My pain and my head keeps Pounding.,lIlFlashIlI,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnm3u/i_have_officially_hit_the_lowest_i_have_ever_been/,pain head keep pounding,officially hit lowest ever,lil flash ili,35,50,lil flash ili pain head keep pounding officially hit lowest ever
I just want to die during my sleep,"I'm way too much of a coward to kill myself, even when I have those rare moments of clarity about my life. I just don't want to see the tomorrow, I don't want to face it, i just want my damn brain to stop working at all and let all my disgusting organs die. I know I'm a disgrace yet i refuse to fix myself. There's no hope for someone like me.",christmasloner,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnlf0/i_just_want_to_die_during_my_sleep/,way much coward kill even rare moment clarity life want see tomorrow want face want damn brain stop working let disgusting organ die know disgrace yet refuse fix hope someone like,want die sleep,christmas loner,344,34,christmas loner way much coward kill even rare moment clarity life want see tomorrow want face want damn brain stop working let disgusting organ die know disgrace yet refuse fix hope someone like want die sleep
26 and feeling so burnt out,"Long story short.. I've been in and out of college, failing out two different times taking breaks from classes once or twice. I've had on and off addiction problems with alcohol during this time.. basically I've been trying to get a bachelor's degree for 7 years. The last 4 years of college has caused me soo much stress. My parents are wealthy and not to say they are at fault in any way for my failire but they have sort of enabled me financially  to keep trying to get a degree. Ive wasted probly around $100,000 dollars on failed/withdrawn classes. My sister deeply resents me for this. I have an insane amount of guilt for this too even though my parents say they would pay anything and help me in any way they can for me to graduate. 

So after all that, i made it to my final semester b4 graduation. Im only taking 2 classes but i might fail 1 of them and that would result in my 3rd and final academic dismissal, meaning i wount get a degree cause of a flunk in my final semester. I just dont understand why i cant just sit here and do my homework and actually care. My problem is i dont give a crap about anything unless i have an innate desire or interest in it. Like my motivation is just 0 in anything thats academic i dont understand why!

So after all this.. even if i do pass and graduate i feel like im so broken, endured so much stress by the age of 26 that i feel like just a vegetable now.  i cant fathom myself using my business degree to get a ""real job""  i dont know if ill ever be able to get over the idea that i spent over 250,000 dollars on a degree and i have no desiree to work a normal job because i feel like my brain is this empty void that only seeks pleasure and has no purpose or drive. On the surface, im a happy bubbly person. Im outgoing and very sociable. I feel deep down i really have alot of potential but im soooo lost and so easily overwhelmed by everything. I feel the slightest bit of resistance and i just shut down mentally and seek pleasure in the form of leisure activity or alcohol. 

Idk where im even going with this.. sorta just letting it all out i guess because i have nobody to talk too. If you read this far im sorry for all the grammatical errors i just typed it all out and didnt re read it once. 

Have a nice day",Pearls_andPink,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnld6/26_and_feeling_so_burnt_out/,long story short college failing two different time taking break class twice addiction problem alcohol time basically trying get bachelor degree 7 year last 4 year college ha caused soo much stress parent wealthy say fault way failire sort enabled financially keep trying get degree ive wasted probly around 100 000 dollar failed withdrawn class sister deeply resents insane amount guilt even though parent say would pay anything help way graduate made final semester b4 graduation im taking 2 class might fail 1 would result 3rd final academic dismissal meaning wount get degree cause flunk final semester dont understand cant sit homework actually care problem dont give crap anything unless innate desire interest like motivation 0 anything thats academic dont understand even pas graduate feel like im broken endured much stress age 26 feel like vegetable cant fathom using business degree get real job dont know ill ever able get idea spent 250 000 dollar degree desiree work normal job feel like brain empty void seek pleasure ha purpose drive surface im happy bubbly person im outgoing sociable feel deep really alot potential im soooo lost easily overwhelmed everything feel slightest bit resistance shut mentally seek pleasure form leisure activity alcohol idk im even going sorta letting guess nobody talk read far im sorry grammatical error typed didnt read nice day,26 feeling burnt,pearl pink,2274,27,pearl pink long story short college failing two different time taking break class twice addiction problem alcohol time basically trying get bachelor degree 7 year last 4 year college ha caused soo much stress parent wealthy say fault way failire sort enabled financially keep trying get degree ive wasted probly around 100 000 dollar failed withdrawn class sister deeply resents insane amount guilt even though parent say would pay anything help way graduate made final semester b4 graduation im taking 2 class might fail 1 would result 3rd final academic dismissal meaning wount get degree cause flunk final semester dont understand cant sit homework actually care problem dont give crap anything unless innate desire interest like motivation 0 anything thats academic dont understand even pas graduate feel like im broken endured much stress age 26 feel like vegetable cant fathom using business degree get real job dont know ill ever able get idea spent 250 000 dollar degree desiree work normal job feel like brain empty void seek pleasure ha purpose drive surface im happy bubbly person im outgoing sociable feel deep really alot potential im soooo lost easily overwhelmed everything feel slightest bit resistance shut mentally seek pleasure form leisure activity alcohol idk im even going sorta letting guess nobody talk read far im sorry grammatical error typed didnt read nice day 26 feeling burnt
End of this week I won’t be tortured by 22 college units anymore,"7 units are ending this week, so I won’t be nearly suffering as much. Thank God. I’m so exhausted and energy deprived. I really hope this has been worth it...I’m transferring to university early in the fall and I’m terrified of it",Tyler080721,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdrrst/end_of_this_week_i_wont_be_tortured_by_22_college/,7 unit ending week nearly suffering much thank god exhausted energy deprived really hope ha worth transferring university early fall terrified,end week tortured 22 college unit anymore,tyler 080721,230,64,tyler 080721 7 unit ending week nearly suffering much thank god exhausted energy deprived really hope ha worth transferring university early fall terrified end week tortured 22 college unit anymore
Why am I feeling uncomfortable for no reason?,"I think I have depression for over a year and recently I got a little better (I still have suicidal thoughts and still pessimistic often but I feel like I'm slightly better) but today I'm feeling something different. I usually feel a little of sadness mixed with numbness or numbness only but rn I can't explain what I'm feeling. I don't think there's something on my mind making me worried, I'm just feeling weird inside and I can't pinpoint what's the problem. Maybe my subconscious is stressed because of all the bad times and feelings I've been coping with all that time and I'm feeling the effects now? Or it's just a temporary feeling? Who knows? Have you ever experienced this?

Forgot to mention but today I had a lot of emotional changes. I felt like this a few times earlier today (for no reason, again) and now it came back",D3f4lt_player,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnhoz/why_am_i_feeling_uncomfortable_for_no_reason/,think depression year recently got little better still suicidal thought still pessimistic often feel like slightly better today feeling something different usually feel little sadness mixed numbness numbness rn explain feeling think something mind making worried feeling weird inside pinpoint problem maybe subconscious stressed bad time feeling coping time feeling effect temporary feeling know ever experienced forgot mention today lot emotional change felt like time earlier today reason came back,feeling uncomfortable reason,3 f 4 lt player,834,45,3 f 4 lt player think depression year recently got little better still suicidal thought still pessimistic often feel like slightly better today feeling something different usually feel little sadness mixed numbness numbness rn explain feeling think something mind making worried feeling weird inside pinpoint problem maybe subconscious stressed bad time feeling coping time feeling effect temporary feeling know ever experienced forgot mention today lot emotional change felt like time earlier today reason came back feeling uncomfortable reason
Trapped,"Over the last few years, I've gone through various cycles of depression, anxiety & panic attacks. I've fallen into the trap of everything's fine again i'm alright, only to be hit by a oncoming train of depression 6 months later. I spend a lot of time in my room alone & I rarely leave the house much and when I do leave I feel massively anxious & I feel much worse when dealing with people. I get hit sporadicly with depression & insomnia, which makes everything so much worse. Insomnia has a truely wonderful talent of nuking everything.

I feel like I have no future and certainly no future or a life where i'm happy or even content. I've spoken to friends and loved ones about jobs and I always get the wishy-washy response of ""you'll be fine"" or ""everything will work out fine"". I want to have purpose in life but I just feel so incredibly hollow & low all the time & all my interests and hobbies just fade away. I'm absolutely terrified of applying for jobs (i've had a few interviews that completely nuked my mental health for more than a year) in fear that it's going to destroy my mental health again (had very bad experiences in my last job) and it doesn't help when friends/family tell me I need to apply or jobs or that i'm lazy. I really don't know what it is i'm suppose to do? or what it is that people think I should be doing? 

My biggest concern is that I just feel like if this is something I have to cope with for the rest of my life, I just don't think I'm going to be able to cope and I really worry where that will lead and what bearing it'll have on the important decisions in life. I'm really struggling to help myself and get help. Even writing this post has been hard (this is my fifth attempt) & composing my thoughts has been really difficult. 

Has anyone had similar problems? or been in a similar situation and overcome it? I really don't want this but I feel like i'm stuck with it unable to do anything about it. I feel trapped, with nowhere to go.",kmanfred,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdl50q/trapped/,last year gone various cycle depression anxiety amp panic attack fallen trap everything fine alright hit oncoming train depression 6 month later spend lot time room alone amp rarely leave house much leave feel massively anxious amp feel much worse dealing people get hit sporadicly depression amp insomnia make everything much worse insomnia ha truely wonderful talent nuking everything feel like future certainly future life happy even content spoken friend loved one job always get wishy washy response fine everything work fine want purpose life feel incredibly hollow amp low time amp interest hobby fade away absolutely terrified applying job interview completely nuked mental health year fear going destroy mental health bad experience last job help friend family tell need apply job lazy really know suppose people think biggest concern feel like something cope rest life think going able cope really worry lead bearing important decision life really struggling help get help even writing post ha hard fifth attempt amp composing thought ha really difficult ha anyone similar problem similar situation overcome really want feel like stuck unable anything feel trapped nowhere go,trapped,k manfred,2009,7,k manfred last year gone various cycle depression anxiety amp panic attack fallen trap everything fine alright hit oncoming train depression 6 month later spend lot time room alone amp rarely leave house much leave feel massively anxious amp feel much worse dealing people get hit sporadicly depression amp insomnia make everything much worse insomnia ha truely wonderful talent nuking everything feel like future certainly future life happy even content spoken friend loved one job always get wishy washy response fine everything work fine want purpose life feel incredibly hollow amp low time amp interest hobby fade away absolutely terrified applying job interview completely nuked mental health year fear going destroy mental health bad experience last job help friend family tell need apply job lazy really know suppose people think biggest concern feel like something cope rest life think going able cope really worry lead bearing important decision life really struggling help get help even writing post ha hard fifth attempt amp composing thought ha really difficult ha anyone similar problem similar situation overcome really want feel like stuck unable anything feel trapped nowhere go trapped
When I'm alone is when I'm most at risk.,"When I'm at work, I talk, laugh, and hide behind my shield. When I'm with family, I'm a little more vulnerable, but I'm mostly still silent about the things that are working hard against me to bring me down. However, when I'm alone...that's when it hits me. When my kids aren't home and I'm left to my own devices, that's when I'm the most afraid. It's not that I don't think anyone would miss me, it's the fact that I don't honestly care if they would or wouldn't. I feel like if they knew the extreme pain and mental anguish I'm in from the events my life has drug me through, they would understand my want for release. The constant cheating of exes, the constant deception and pain from being tossed away over and over again. The uselessness I feel of getting out of bed because the same vicious cycle awaits me every single day of my life! I'm tired. I'm tired of giving myself to others, putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable, just to wash, rinse, and repeat a thousand times more. Is it time for me to go? Does it matter? I want to know if in death I will find release. I want to know if separation from this world allows me to find peace once again. One thing is sure, I am scared...but also...not.",MakoTitan,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdp5d5/when_im_alone_is_when_im_most_at_risk/,work talk laugh hide behind shield family little vulnerable mostly still silent thing working hard bring however alone hit kid home left device afraid think anyone would miss fact honestly care would feel like knew extreme pain mental anguish event life ha drug would understand want release constant cheating ex constant deception pain tossed away uselessness feel getting bed vicious cycle awaits every single day life tired tired giving others putting making vulnerable wash rinse repeat thousand time time go doe matter want know death find release want know separation world allows find peace one thing sure scared also,alone risk,mako titan,1221,40,mako titan work talk laugh hide behind shield family little vulnerable mostly still silent thing working hard bring however alone hit kid home left device afraid think anyone would miss fact honestly care would feel like knew extreme pain mental anguish event life ha drug would understand want release constant cheating ex constant deception pain tossed away uselessness feel getting bed vicious cycle awaits every single day life tired tired giving others putting making vulnerable wash rinse repeat thousand time time go doe matter want know death find release want know separation world allows find peace one thing sure scared also alone risk
Furiously Tired of “Running at it like a Bull”,"People are unrelatable and hindering to me at this point. I feel as if every time someone approaches me, or walks into my space, I can predict what they are going to say to me. This annoys me further.

Ive been fired from the last 5 jobs, all for reasons of using marijuana to calm myself from my co workers, or outright having a verbal confrontation which results in me getting fired. I used to like being around people, but as i reach the age of 25 i feel like i’ve been struggling for an eternity.

Im truly tired of this fucking 9-5 society everyone seems to be able to spend 40 years in and come out accomplished. It seems no matter how many counsellors  i appoint myself with, or how many doctors appointments im making nobody is helping me and i feel im reaching my breaking point. I know i cant live without society, but this cant continue.

Ive tried steps to help myself, counselling, therapy, doctors appointments; all leads back to the same bullshit place im in now, stuck in society. 

Ive recently acquired my second dui, have a breathalyzer in my vehicle and spend most days sitting at home thinking about how much i hate interacting with people.

The women my age ive dated and been around dont want to hear any of this. Men arent supposed to complain or whine. Im supposed to shut up, apply for another job, and continue to “run at it like a bull”. 

I can’t relate this to anyone in my life, so im here asking if anyone feels the way I do, and how youve surpassed this moment in your life without turning to hard drugs.",gas_man710,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdm1gv/furiously_tired_of_running_at_it_like_a_bull/,people unrelatable hindering point feel every time someone approach walk space predict going say annoys ive fired last 5 job reason using marijuana calm co worker outright verbal confrontation result getting fired used like around people reach age 25 feel like struggling eternity im truly tired fucking 9 5 society everyone seems able spend 40 year come accomplished seems matter many counsellor appoint many doctor appointment im making nobody helping feel im reaching breaking point know cant live without society cant continue ive tried step help counselling therapy doctor appointment lead back bullshit place im stuck society ive recently acquired second duo breathalyzer vehicle spend day sitting home thinking much hate interacting people woman age ive dated around dont want hear men arent supposed complain whine im supposed shut apply another job continue run like bull relate anyone life im asking anyone feel way youve surpassed moment life without turning hard drug,furiously tired running like bull,gas man 710,1537,46,gas man 710 people unrelatable hindering point feel every time someone approach walk space predict going say annoys ive fired last 5 job reason using marijuana calm co worker outright verbal confrontation result getting fired used like around people reach age 25 feel like struggling eternity im truly tired fucking 9 5 society everyone seems able spend 40 year come accomplished seems matter many counsellor appoint many doctor appointment im making nobody helping feel im reaching breaking point know cant live without society cant continue ive tried step help counselling therapy doctor appointment lead back bullshit place im stuck society ive recently acquired second duo breathalyzer vehicle spend day sitting home thinking much hate interacting people woman age ive dated around dont want hear men arent supposed complain whine im supposed shut apply another job continue run like bull relate anyone life im asking anyone feel way youve surpassed moment life without turning hard drug furiously tired running like bull
I’ve been trying to cut my arm for 20 minutes now but I can’t see any fucking blood!,I’m so fucking mad right now. The scissors use to work ok but now I can’t even see any fucking blood and i’m pushing down so fucking hard. I even tried to fucking sharpen it for like 5 minutes. I can’t relax if i dont see any blood,zn07,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn9t7/ive_been_trying_to_cut_my_arm_for_20_minutes_now/,fucking mad right scissors use work ok even see fucking blood pushing fucking hard even tried fucking sharpen like 5 minute relax dont see blood,trying cut arm 20 minute see fucking blood,zn 07,231,84,zn 07 fucking mad right scissors use work ok even see fucking blood pushing fucking hard even tried fucking sharpen like 5 minute relax dont see blood trying cut arm 20 minute see fucking blood
"Ex bf is suicidal, depressed, and mentally ""not there"".. how to help?","I broke up with my bf about a year and a half ago, after being together 4 years. Throughout our relationship he was often depressed, angry at everything, narcissistic, extremely anxious, would go through phases of not eating, etc. I tried helping as much as I could and encouraging he get help (which he did a few times, on and off seeing a therapist) but it never worked.

I had to cut off our relationship because it just became ""too much"". He would blame me for his carelessness, would get annoyed if I offered help in any way, and was just constantly negative. I just often didn't feel loved, and without ranting his mental health issues were stressful as I tried and tried to help him and it felt useless.

When we broke up I didn't feel the need to block him but did not want to be ""friends"" or really ever have any communication any more. Since we broke up, he has texted me here and there that he's suicidal, hates everyone, screams at himself, has no reason to live, etc. He told me that since I broke up with him he would kill himself, but i took that more so as manipulation. I would text him trying to help, offering advice, and so on, which was mentally draining because any time I'd try and help he'd continue texting things like ""I'm just gonna kill myself"". I have told him so many times he needs professional help and by doing so will improve his mental health. 

He's nearly 30 and has barely held a job because he ""hates all the managers"" wherever he works and continuously drops out of school to sit at home and be handed money by his mom and play PS4 all day. When I encourage finding a different job or so on he gets offended and tells me I'm a ""slave"" because I have a full time job.

I've since entered a new relationship with someone I love very much. When my ex randomly occasionally texts me (he texts me probably once every 10-15 days) saying he wants to kill himself I panic and reply and try to help. I told my current bf about helping my ex and he was understandably upset. I know I need to stop communication with my ex but I worry by telling him we need to stop talking he actually will kill himself. I have told a close friend this and they told me if he doesn't want to accept help or seek any help, and kills himself, at least I tried and there was nothing more I could do. 

The other day at work I checked my phone and had a ton of missed texts from him saying he was going to kill himself  & that he has no reason to live anymore. All the texts made me panic terribly, I had to leave work because I started crying and ended up calling suicide prevention (they were beyond unhelpful) because I know he needs help. After 4 years of hearing him talk about being depressed, and never accepting help and then breaking up and still hearing it through text and STILL trying to get him to see a professional and get help I am honestly burned out and mentally drained. I don't know what else I can do at this point besides telling him, for the last time, he needs help and due to me being in a new relationship we need to stop talking and I wish him the best.",videostore01,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn8t6/ex_bf_is_suicidal_depressed_and_mentally_not/,broke bf year half ago together 4 year throughout relationship wa often depressed angry everything narcissistic extremely anxious would go phase eating etc tried helping much could encouraging get help time seeing therapist never worked cut relationship became much would blame carelessness would get annoyed offered help way wa constantly negative often feel loved without ranting mental health issue stressful tried tried help felt useless broke feel need block want friend really ever communication since broke ha texted suicidal hate everyone scream ha reason live etc told since broke would kill took manipulation would text trying help offering advice wa mentally draining time try help continue texting thing like gonna kill told many time need professional help improve mental health nearly 30 ha barely held job hate manager wherever work continuously drop school sit home handed money mom play ps4 day encourage finding different job get offended tell slave full time job since entered new relationship someone love much ex randomly occasionally text text probably every 10 15 day saying want kill panic reply try help told current bf helping ex wa understandably upset know need stop communication ex worry telling need stop talking actually kill told close friend told want accept help seek help kill least tried wa nothing could day work checked phone ton missed text saying wa going kill amp ha reason live anymore text made panic terribly leave work started cry ended calling suicide prevention beyond unhelpful know need help 4 year hearing talk depressed never accepting help breaking still hearing text still trying get see professional get help honestly burned mentally drained know else point besides telling last time need help due new relationship need stop talking wish best,ex bf suicidal depressed mentally help,video store 01,3093,69,video store 01 broke bf year half ago together 4 year throughout relationship wa often depressed angry everything narcissistic extremely anxious would go phase eating etc tried helping much could encouraging get help time seeing therapist never worked cut relationship became much would blame carelessness would get annoyed offered help way wa constantly negative often feel loved without ranting mental health issue stressful tried tried help felt useless broke feel need block want friend really ever communication since broke ha texted suicidal hate everyone scream ha reason live etc told since broke would kill took manipulation would text trying help offering advice wa mentally draining time try help continue texting thing like gonna kill told many time need professional help improve mental health nearly 30 ha barely held job hate manager wherever work continuously drop school sit home handed money mom play ps4 day encourage finding different job get offended tell slave full time job since entered new relationship someone love much ex randomly occasionally text text probably every 10 15 day saying want kill panic reply try help told current bf helping ex wa understandably upset know need stop communication ex worry telling need stop talking actually kill told close friend told want accept help seek help kill least tried wa nothing could day work checked phone ton missed text saying wa going kill amp ha reason live anymore text made panic terribly leave work started cry ended calling suicide prevention beyond unhelpful know need help 4 year hearing talk depressed never accepting help breaking still hearing text still trying get see professional get help honestly burned mentally drained know else point besides telling last time need help due new relationship need stop talking wish best ex bf suicidal depressed mentally help
I don't want to continue.,"Waking up doing the same thing every day, lie in bed for hours, watch some series or game, feel like shit every time I eat, thinking about how things could've been so much better if things went differently. This is every single day. 

I just feel like shit when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I interact with friends, it's so painful to exist, I can't keep going on like this, my life is pointless as it is now, and I don't have any motivation to change it, I just want to stop. I want the pain to stop. 

I'm a burden to friends, and to the family I have, I feel so lonely in a house of 4. I'm so lonely in general. I miss my friends but I'm too scared to go outside, I hate myself so much.",JoshuaSquire,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdjy3p/i_dont_want_to_continue/,waking thing every day lie bed hour watch series game feel like shit every time eat thinking thing could much better thing went differently every single day feel like shit wake go sleep interact friend painful exist keep going like life pointless motivation change want stop want pain stop burden friend family feel lonely house 4 lonely general miss friend scared go outside hate much,want continue,joshua squire,696,25,joshua squire waking thing every day lie bed hour watch series game feel like shit every time eat thinking thing could much better thing went differently every single day feel like shit wake go sleep interact friend painful exist keep going like life pointless motivation change want stop want pain stop burden friend family feel lonely house 4 lonely general miss friend scared go outside hate much want continue
Venlafaxine / antidepressant withdrawals....,"Been coming off venlafaxine , it's been 2 weeks now been getting weird zaps, down mood, sex problems, and headaches.

Does anybody know when these withdrawals will end..../experiences? 
Or any advice on how to help

Probably worth mentioning I've done mdma a few times in the past month as well, which seems to get rid of the vena withdrawls for a couple of days but they keep coming back with vengeance",blackwhitethinking,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn7t2/venlafaxine_antidepressant_withdrawals/,coming venlafaxine 2 week getting weird zap mood sex problem headache doe anybody know withdrawal end experience advice help probably worth mentioning done mdma time past month well seems get rid vena withdrawls couple day keep coming back vengeance,venlafaxine antidepressant withdrawal,black white thinking,403,44,black white thinking coming venlafaxine 2 week getting weird zap mood sex problem headache doe anybody know withdrawal end experience advice help probably worth mentioning done mdma time past month well seems get rid vena withdrawls couple day keep coming back vengeance venlafaxine antidepressant withdrawal
Just wanna share some shit that no one cares,I living in a third world country where people better working their ass off to feed their mouth than thinking for their own feelings. I was born in a urban family and have got a lot of traumas and hatreds duo to unfortunate childhood but I was strived to have a decent education and have tough myself a lot about psychology. Recently I've aware of my depression being more serious cause I started develop and think about suicidal thoughts more often. I told my parents that have trouble in my brain and it affected my study but nobody cares and said I was crazy wtf?? So I decided to tell my aunt who is a physician that I got trouble in my brain but she disappointed me by saying you should stop overthinking and prepare for your future???  Am so messed up right now fuck fuck fuck.,SingedNtheJews,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdj5kh/just_wanna_share_some_shit_that_no_one_cares/,living third world country people better working feed mouth thinking feeling wa born urban family got lot trauma hatred duo unfortunate childhood wa strived decent education tough lot psychology recently aware depression serious cause started develop think suicidal thought often told parent trouble brain affected study nobody care said wa crazy wtf decided tell aunt physician got trouble brain disappointed saying stop overthinking prepare future messed right fuck fuck fuck,wanna share shit one care,singed n jew,783,44,singed n jew living third world country people better working feed mouth thinking feeling wa born urban family got lot trauma hatred duo unfortunate childhood wa strived decent education tough lot psychology recently aware depression serious cause started develop think suicidal thought often told parent trouble brain affected study nobody care said wa crazy wtf decided tell aunt physician got trouble brain disappointed saying stop overthinking prepare future messed right fuck fuck fuck wanna share shit one care
Im panicking,"This keeps happening, i dont know if its my ptsd or anxiety or a panic attack but i start to think about everything and i begin to panic and i am hyperventilating and feel like im trapped and i dont know where to go or what to do, i want to find support for everything and i just dont know where to go i have no one and nothing in my life i feel so alone and so desperate im terrified 
Help
Please",AlinaAngelMtF,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdlvuu/im_panicking/,keep happening dont know ptsd anxiety panic attack start think everything begin panic hyperventilating feel like im trapped dont know go want find support everything dont know go one nothing life feel alone desperate im terrified help please,im panicking,alina angel mtf,397,12,alina angel mtf keep happening dont know ptsd anxiety panic attack start think everything begin panic hyperventilating feel like im trapped dont know go want find support everything dont know go one nothing life feel alone desperate im terrified help please im panicking
Ready for the end at this point,Yea. I’m ready for the “you’re just a kid”. Idgaf. I want to go. My mind and body is screaming for a way out of this fucking horrible mindset of myn. Im a dumbfucking stoner with a stepdad who literally makes me fear to go downstairs. I sit in my room all day and hope that I just fucking die. My mom Dosent fucking care jack shit about me. My step dad gets pissed off over nothing. And leaves for 8 months. And I swear by this saying those 8 months are the happiest months I ever have. My stepfather almost choked his father out when he was 16 and said he wishes he did it. Which makes me scared to say anything to him. My mother knows I don’t like him and don’t like being near him but she Dosent care. I was bullied for nearly my whole elementary school years and I was having suicidal thought from the start of grade 3 or 4. And that’s just not okay in the eyes of anybody. I currently just took 10 pills and hoping I black out. I have one friend. Who I made when I was forced to move back to my old house. Him and I bonded over stupid and racist shit. And now he’s like a brother to me. I wish he didn’t have to put up with my bullshit.  I love him like a brother and all. But I feel that he would get over it soon enough. I feel bad for people who have to deal with me. And I just want all this pain and suffering of my day to day to fucking end. I want me to end. I want everything to fucking end.,winzikplays,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn2o8/ready_for_the_end_at_this_point/,yea ready kid idgaf want go mind body screaming way fucking horrible mindset myn im dumbfucking stoner stepdad literally make fear go downstairs sit room day hope fucking die mom dosent fucking care jack shit step dad get pissed nothing leaf 8 month swear saying 8 month happiest month ever stepfather almost choked father wa 16 said wish make scared say anything mother know like like near dosent care wa bullied nearly whole elementary school year wa suicidal thought start grade 3 4 okay eye anybody currently took 10 pill hoping black one friend made wa forced move back old house bonded stupid racist shit like brother wish put bullshit love like brother feel would get soon enough feel bad people deal want pain suffering day day fucking end want end want everything fucking end,ready end point,win zi k play,1404,31,win zi k play yea ready kid idgaf want go mind body screaming way fucking horrible mindset myn im dumbfucking stoner stepdad literally make fear go downstairs sit room day hope fucking die mom dosent fucking care jack shit step dad get pissed nothing leaf 8 month swear saying 8 month happiest month ever stepfather almost choked father wa 16 said wish make scared say anything mother know like like near dosent care wa bullied nearly whole elementary school year wa suicidal thought start grade 3 4 okay eye anybody currently took 10 pill hoping black one friend made wa forced move back old house bonded stupid racist shit like brother wish put bullshit love like brother feel would get soon enough feel bad people deal want pain suffering day day fucking end want end want everything fucking end ready end point
Am i depressed?,"*Posting on behalf of friend*

Basically I'm perpetually sad, but for no apparent reason (I work a lot at 17, but that seems normal)

I think suicide is a valid option, as I would be at peace, but I do not want to commit suicide due to friends and family feeling bad.

I also feel lonely, even around friends and family which leads to me think this is depression.

Is this depression, or is this just a phase?

Thanks for reading.",darkbluepe1,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdkopp/am_i_depressed/,posting behalf friend basically perpetually sad apparent reason work lot 17 seems normal think suicide valid option would peace want commit suicide due friend family feeling bad also feel lonely even around friend family lead think depression depression phase thanks reading,depressed,dark blue pe 1,430,15,dark blue pe 1 posting behalf friend basically perpetually sad apparent reason work lot 17 seems normal think suicide valid option would peace want commit suicide due friend family feeling bad also feel lonely even around friend family lead think depression depression phase thanks reading depressed
Food doesn't taste good anymore,"All the food I used to love tastes like nothing to me anymore. It almost feels like I'm eating plastic. 

Food was one of the few joys in my life, and that enjoyment is gone now.",cthulhupet,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdooo2/food_doesnt_taste_good_anymore/,food used love taste like nothing anymore almost feel like eating plastic food wa one joy life enjoyment gone,food taste good anymore,cthulhu pet,178,31,cthulhu pet food used love taste like nothing anymore almost feel like eating plastic food wa one joy life enjoyment gone food taste good anymore
i don’t care,"i literally don’t care about anything else, i just want to be happy",whatthefuckihateme,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr8qj/i_dont_care/,literally care anything else want happy,care,fuck hate,67,12,fuck hate literally care anything else want happy care
I just need a big hug right now!,"Honestly I’m so sick of dealing with life, it leaves me with so much stress and pain, I can’t handle it to be honest. I’d love a hug right now, it would relieve the pain a little bit to be honest, it would be a nice distraction at least, I feel like I’m shaking because of my episodes and stomach pain.",AnotherTrowaway12,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdmtb7/i_just_need_a_big_hug_right_now/,honestly sick dealing life leaf much stress pain handle honest love hug right would relieve pain little bit honest would nice distraction least feel like shaking episode stomach pain,need big hug right,another row away 12,302,32,another row away 12 honestly sick dealing life leaf much stress pain handle honest love hug right would relieve pain little bit honest would nice distraction least feel like shaking episode stomach pain need big hug right
Getting out of bed to cook pasta feels like an accomplishment,I know it’s not much but as a student living on his own for the first time and being diagnosed with anxiety and depression (I haven’t gone out in more than a week) actually getting out of bed to do something feels like an accomplishment as I would normally starve in my bed wondering why I even exist in the first place.,wateeeeeer,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdhyz9/getting_out_of_bed_to_cook_pasta_feels_like_an/,know much student living first time diagnosed anxiety depression gone week actually getting bed something feel like accomplishment would normally starve bed wondering even exist first place,getting bed cook pasta feel like accomplishment,wat eeeeee r,320,61,wat eeeeee r know much student living first time diagnosed anxiety depression gone week actually getting bed something feel like accomplishment would normally starve bed wondering even exist first place getting bed cook pasta feel like accomplishment
please..,"I've hit rock bottom again id never thought it happen twice but I'm digging my hope even deeper this time, I need help I just can't seek because idk where to look, every one is gone. No one wants to speak or listen to me and it sucks after a long day of work I come back and have so much to say but no one to speak too... Someone if you dont mind, I'd like to meet someone and talk, thank you for your time and I hope your doing well🖤",Depressed_guy00,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdof0u/please/,hit rock bottom id never thought happen twice digging hope even deeper time need help seek idk look every one gone one want speak listen suck long day work come back much say one speak someone dont mind like meet someone talk thank time hope well,please,depressed guy 00,434,8,depressed guy 00 hit rock bottom id never thought happen twice digging hope even deeper time need help seek idk look every one gone one want speak listen suck long day work come back much say one speak someone dont mind like meet someone talk thank time hope well please
"I am young, that doesn’t mean I don’t have depression","I don’t wanna specify my age, but I’m young. Because of this my mom thinks that I’m faking and won’t accept it.

Even when I tell my school counselor that I just don’t want to be alive anymore and they send police to my house to check up on me, my mom won’t believe me. Even when I tell her to at least get a doctor to diagnose me, she won’t, 

As previously mentioned, the place came to my house and they suggested that I might want to get a therapist. My mom said ok yeah sure whatever. A week later and I remind her. She says yeah I’m on it, another week goes by and my mom tells me that she just doesn’t want to pay for something that I’m probably faking for attention. 

All this is just making it worse.

This is kind of off tangent but I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die. 

Anyone have any coping mechanisms that a young person can get access to by themselves",Wusup2007,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr38k/i_am_young_that_doesnt_mean_i_dont_have_depression/,wanna specify age young mom think faking accept even tell school counselor want alive anymore send police house check mom believe even tell least get doctor diagnose previously mentioned place came house suggested might want get therapist mom said ok yeah sure whatever week later remind say yeah another week go mom tell want pay something probably faking attention making worse kind tangent want live want die anyone coping mechanism young person get access,young mean depression,wu sup 2007,876,53,wu sup 2007 wanna specify age young mom think faking accept even tell school counselor want alive anymore send police house check mom believe even tell least get doctor diagnose previously mentioned place came house suggested might want get therapist mom said ok yeah sure whatever week later remind say yeah another week go mom tell want pay something probably faking attention making worse kind tangent want live want die anyone coping mechanism young person get access young mean depression
wasn’t meant to be here ~ created for no reason,"(lsd) 
lost, suicidal, death 
i’m a mess, i’m sorry that my world has tilted on its axis
fakes stand out more, and my conscience is a realist
it has reached the radius,
love don’t buy into it
fake friends, keep them around because real ones don’t exist 
i ain’t talking bullshit i’ve gotten long lasting experiences 
like edibles that don’t wear off 
i’ve got bad highs with long lasting side effects 
my prescriptions descriptions can be passed off as books 
i’ll pass you some of them if you’re truly interested
i’m a case study, just to die off and to be added as another shitty statistic 
at least i made it on a list i’ve been written off my whole life so i can now pat myself on the back
i finally did it! 
hip, hip ..

hip, hip, hurray! 
hip, hip, hurray!
looking up at the sky
the clouds are grey
looks like gods raining down on my parade
sucks that i didn’t have enough strength to stay 
i’m just tired of the pain 
this life is exhausting and if happiness is an award
 well i’ll never receive it because i’m not worthy of accolades",imjustbadbadnews,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr35g/wasnt_meant_to_be_here_created_for_no_reason/,lsd lost suicidal death mess sorry world ha tilted axis fake stand conscience realist ha reached radius love buy fake friend keep around real one exist talking bullshit gotten long lasting experience like edible wear got bad high long lasting side effect prescription description passed book pas truly interested case study die added another shitty statistic least made list written whole life pat back finally hip hip hip hip hurray hip hip hurray looking sky cloud grey look like god raining parade suck enough strength stay tired pain life exhausting happiness award well never receive worthy accolade,meant created reason,im bad bad news,1041,47,im bad bad news lsd lost suicidal death mess sorry world ha tilted axis fake stand conscience realist ha reached radius love buy fake friend keep around real one exist talking bullshit gotten long lasting experience like edible wear got bad high long lasting side effect prescription description passed book pas truly interested case study die added another shitty statistic least made list written whole life pat back finally hip hip hip hip hurray hip hip hurray looking sky cloud grey look like god raining parade suck enough strength stay tired pain life exhausting happiness award well never receive worthy accolade meant created reason
My life is slowly dying,"I feel like my life is spiraling downwards getting worse each day. My dad has ALS, my mom is stressed out to the max taking care of a husband who is a selfish unappreciative jack wagon. I have to deal with a bullish, vindictive shithead for a manager that makes me dream of breaking his kneecaps inward, no friends, no woman, no life. My faith is growing dimmer by the day because of asshats who ride in on a hypocritical high horse. My doc says with my depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure, I wont live to see 35. Most nights, virtually every night, I go to bed a bit more angry, a bit more suicidal, and hoping, praying to a god who couldn't give a rat's ass about me to either give me cancer or do not allow me to wake up. My only vent is either here, where we all fight enough of our own battles to not worry about anyone else's (I'm not blaming anyone) or smoking black and milds. That's my vent for the evening.",Anubisrising89,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdr31b/my_life_is_slowly_dying/,feel like life spiraling downwards getting worse day dad ha al mom stressed max taking care husband selfish unappreciative jack wagon deal bullish vindictive shithead manager make dream breaking kneecap inward friend woman life faith growing dimmer day asshats ride hypocritical high horse doc say depression anxiety high blood pressure wont live see 35 night virtually every night go bed bit angry bit suicidal hoping praying god give rat either give cancer allow wake vent either fight enough battle worry anyone else blaming anyone smoking black milds vent evening,life slowly dying,anubis rising 89,925,23,anubis rising 89 feel like life spiraling downwards getting worse day dad ha al mom stressed max taking care husband selfish unappreciative jack wagon deal bullish vindictive shithead manager make dream breaking kneecap inward friend woman life faith growing dimmer day asshats ride hypocritical high horse doc say depression anxiety high blood pressure wont live see 35 night virtually every night go bed bit angry bit suicidal hoping praying god give rat either give cancer allow wake vent either fight enough battle worry anyone else blaming anyone smoking black milds vent evening life slowly dying
over 3k upvotes I'll be buying myself a soft drink,just to calm my anxieties,jephrone,29,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fd6qh1/over_3k_upvotes_ill_be_buying_myself_a_soft_drink/,calm anxiety,3k upvotes buying soft drink,je phr one,25,50,je phr one calm anxiety 3k upvotes buying soft drink
Depression is kicking my ass,"hey everyone. I have been struggling with pretty severe depression since I was very young. I don't really remember a time where I felt normal. Anyway, I feel like tons of bad shit happens to me. Maybe there is something wrong with me.. im not too sure. Probably at this point. I recently went through an abusive relationship and it caused me to be even more fucked up than ever. Now I am just struggling and hurting inside. I recently found someone who I think is a good person and im not sure. I just dont think that I can ever have a functional relationship because of how bad my depression is. Also, I think that people get bored of me and see me as worthless sometimes. It really just hurts because I really feel worthless. Sorry this is all just complaining. I am just so hurt right now and I feel hopeless. Like I am not going to go anywhere in life. Like I will never find someone who will love me, or even worse that I'll never love myself.",captivecows,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdochk/depression_is_kicking_my_ass/,hey everyone struggling pretty severe depression since wa young really remember time felt normal anyway feel like ton bad shit happens maybe something wrong im sure probably point recently went abusive relationship caused even fucked ever struggling hurting inside recently found someone think good person im sure dont think ever functional relationship bad depression also think people get bored see worthless sometimes really hurt really feel worthless sorry complaining hurt right feel hopeless like going go anywhere life like never find someone love even worse never love,depression kicking,captive cow,948,28,captive cow hey everyone struggling pretty severe depression since wa young really remember time felt normal anyway feel like ton bad shit happens maybe something wrong im sure probably point recently went abusive relationship caused even fucked ever struggling hurting inside recently found someone think good person im sure dont think ever functional relationship bad depression also think people get bored see worthless sometimes really hurt really feel worthless sorry complaining hurt right feel hopeless like going go anywhere life like never find someone love even worse never love depression kicking
I guess I just feel overlooked,"Like the title says, I often times feel like I'm just a side character in the lives of those around me (19 M in college). It sucks. I was diagnosed with MDD about 2 months ago after struggling to convince myself I needed help for about 2 years, and it just kind of feels like despite trying to be more present in the lives of those around me I end up hurt and ignored no matter what I try. For example, I have tried to get into the habit of asking my roommates what they've been up to recently, how their day is going, if they want to get food, etc., and it just kinda feels like they don't have the time or motivation to reciprocate. When I try and share something from my life, I just feel like they shrug me off or ignore me completely. Every day feels like I am growing apart from those around me and needless to say it's not fun. I am introverted by nature, so socializing can often be exhausting, so I guess it's just even more insulting when those around me blow me off despite the colossal effort it can take to even say hello.",brednen_,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdl7x4/i_guess_i_just_feel_overlooked/,like title say often time feel like side character life around 19 college suck wa diagnosed mdd 2 month ago struggling convince needed help 2 year kind feel like despite trying present life around end hurt ignored matter try example tried get habit asking roommate recently day going want get food etc kinda feel like time motivation reciprocate try share something life feel like shrug ignore completely every day feel like growing apart around needle say fun introverted nature socializing often exhausting guess even insulting around blow despite colossal effort take even say hello,guess feel overlooked,bred nen,1035,30,bred nen like title say often time feel like side character life around 19 college suck wa diagnosed mdd 2 month ago struggling convince needed help 2 year kind feel like despite trying present life around end hurt ignored matter try example tried get habit asking roommate recently day going want get food etc kinda feel like time motivation reciprocate try share something life feel like shrug ignore completely every day feel like growing apart around needle say fun introverted nature socializing often exhausting guess even insulting around blow despite colossal effort take even say hello guess feel overlooked
Reddit is the only place where I feel noticed,"If I get any amount of upvotes or comments o just get super happy, because for once somebody appreciates me

Edit: thanks for giving that award, that made me smile :D",SmarmySlayer,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fd8jmb/reddit_is_the_only_place_where_i_feel_noticed/,get amount upvotes comment get super happy somebody appreciates edit thanks giving award made smile,reddit place feel noticed,smarmy slayer,166,45,smarmy slayer get amount upvotes comment get super happy somebody appreciates edit thanks giving award made smile reddit place feel noticed
I've ruined my whole damn life before it's even started,"Pretty sure this will get buried in all the other posts but I guess I need somewhere to vent... either that or i just want to remind myself what a piece of shit i am. 

I've been depressed pretty much my entire life, i never realised it, i thought everyone was sad all the time and had a constant pit in their stomach like they wanted to cry and had random thoughts about killing themselves. 
I've been going through this shit since elementary school. 
I've always been the akward kid that was overly loud and made jokes at my own expense in order to get others to crack a smile. 
I've never been good at keeping friendships let alone making friendships. Ive always considered myself a loner in a way, mainly because I always feel like I want to be alone. 

I've never been to a party unless it was for a birthday, never gone drinking with friends, never really had a conversation with anyone without it turning into an akward silence after a while. 
I'm currently a senior in highschool and I feel like I've wasted my highschool years. 

My freshman year I met this girl, she was great, caring, shy, cute, and seemed to truly listen to what i said. 
I never had the balls to ask her out which I suppose was a good thing because later on I found out that she was gay. 

After half a year, she got more and more involved with the highschool lgbt community which was full of just flat out rude people. 
This changed her... for the worse. She started spending alot less time with me, and before I knew it we had gone an entire month without spending any time together. I'd always ask her if she wanted to hang out but she was always ""busy"". 

She slowly started to do a complete 180 from who she used to be. She was becoming very self centered and was always saying how nice of a person she is. 
I eventually stopped talking to her completely because I realised she was destroying me. I was in love with who she used to be and I guess I thought that the harder I tried to be her friend, maybe shed start to like being around me again, i guess i was wrong. 
At one point i stopped even acknowledging her like she did to me and i guess this annoyed her because she would text me and ask me why i was doing it. 
I'd send a lengthy text explaining why and it's like she didnt even read it because she kept doing the exact same things that i told her were making me feel like trash below her. 

This friendship absolutely destroyed me and i became extremely depressed. I became somewhat of a hermit that would go to school and as soon as I got home would sleep until the next day. 
I still am really sad about what happened and I cant help but blame myself for not doing something or saying something earlier about how her friends were making her treat others. 

Well, basically, this kind of destroyed me self esteem and any confidence I had left. I was now the quiet kid at school, although my friend says that i dont really seem like the quiet type, I'm 6 foot 2 inches tall and am built like a ""viking"" as he says. 
I havent spent time with him in months because I can barely bring myself to leave my house. 
He is pretty much my last friend and i feel like I'm letting him slip away like i have with all my other friends and its destroying me but I'm too afraid to do anything about it. I hate myself, I'm a terrible friend and I dont know how to change it. 

I've always been known as the ""nice guy"" who helps in any way I can and likes to talk to anyone who is willing to give me the time of day. Now.... well I dont even know. 
There was a lady at the store the other day who dropped something, she had a cane and her arms full and I just fucking watched her struggle to pick her stuff up off the ground. What kind of fucking person just watches someone struggle??? Apparently I do... I just like, froze I guess, I couldn't move my body, it was like I was paralyzed and I had a pit in my stomach and I felt just really anxious if that's how youd describe it. 
I hate who I've become, I just want to go back to being the kind guy who always helps others instead of watching them struggle like a jackass. 

I dont know how to fix who I have become and I'm afraid it's going to affect me when I try and get a job this summer and when I go to college, I'm afraid I'm going to be this shell of who i used to be, someone who just watches things happen instead of giving a helping hand. I feel like agoddamn failure, mainly because I am. 

I guess this story type thing doesnt really have any point, just me talking to myself reflecting on how much of an asshole I am. If someone actually reads this, well, then I'd love any suggestions on how i can get rid of this damn shell. 

I left alot of details out, but it's 1am and I have school in the morning so maybe I'll come back sometime on my computer and fill in a bit more. 
Thanks for reading this if you did, I sincerely hope you dont have to go through what I've gone through.",yeeters-apprentice,22,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdawr6/ive_ruined_my_whole_damn_life_before_its_even/,pretty sure get buried post guess need somewhere vent either want remind piece shit depressed pretty much entire life never realised thought everyone wa sad time constant pit stomach like wanted cry random thought killing going shit since elementary school always akward kid wa overly loud made joke expense order get others crack smile never good keeping friendship let alone making friendship ive always considered loner way mainly always feel like want alone never party unless wa birthday never gone drinking friend never really conversation anyone without turning akward silence currently senior highschool feel like wasted highschool year freshman year met girl wa great caring shy cute seemed truly listen said never ball ask suppose wa good thing later found wa gay half year got involved highschool lgbt community wa full flat rude people changed worse started spending alot le time knew gone entire month without spending time together always ask wanted hang wa always busy slowly started complete 180 used wa becoming self centered wa always saying nice person eventually stopped talking completely realised wa destroying wa love used guess thought harder tried friend maybe shed start like around guess wa wrong one point stopped even acknowledging like guess annoyed would text ask wa send lengthy text explaining like didnt even read kept exact thing told making feel like trash friendship absolutely destroyed became extremely depressed became somewhat hermit would go school soon got home would sleep next day still really sad happened cant help blame something saying something earlier friend making treat others well basically kind destroyed self esteem confidence left wa quiet kid school although friend say dont really seem like quiet type 6 foot 2 inch tall built like viking say havent spent time month barely bring leave house pretty much last friend feel like letting slip away like friend destroying afraid anything hate terrible friend dont know change always known nice guy help way like talk anyone willing give time day well dont even know wa lady store day dropped something cane arm full fucking watched struggle pick stuff ground kind fucking person watch someone struggle apparently like froze guess move body wa like wa paralyzed pit stomach felt really anxious youd describe hate become want go back kind guy always help others instead watching struggle like jackass dont know fix become afraid going affect try get job summer go college afraid going shell used someone watch thing happen instead giving helping hand feel like agoddamn failure mainly guess story type thing doesnt really point talking reflecting much asshole someone actually read well love suggestion get rid damn shell left alot detail 1am school morning maybe come back sometime computer fill bit thanks reading sincerely hope dont go gone,ruined whole damn life even started,yee ter apprentice,4924,55,yee ter apprentice pretty sure get buried post guess need somewhere vent either want remind piece shit depressed pretty much entire life never realised thought everyone wa sad time constant pit stomach like wanted cry random thought killing going shit since elementary school always akward kid wa overly loud made joke expense order get others crack smile never good keeping friendship let alone making friendship ive always considered loner way mainly always feel like want alone never party unless wa birthday never gone drinking friend never really conversation anyone without turning akward silence currently senior highschool feel like wasted highschool year freshman year met girl wa great caring shy cute seemed truly listen said never ball ask suppose wa good thing later found wa gay half year got involved highschool lgbt community wa full flat rude people changed worse started spending alot le time knew gone entire month without spending time together always ask wanted hang wa always busy slowly started complete 180 used wa becoming self centered wa always saying nice person eventually stopped talking completely realised wa destroying wa love used guess thought harder tried friend maybe shed start like around guess wa wrong one point stopped even acknowledging like guess annoyed would text ask wa send lengthy text explaining like didnt even read kept exact thing told making feel like trash friendship absolutely destroyed became extremely depressed became somewhat hermit would go school soon got home would sleep next day still really sad happened cant help blame something saying something earlier friend making treat others well basically kind destroyed self esteem confidence left wa quiet kid school although friend say dont really seem like quiet type 6 foot 2 inch tall built like viking say havent spent time month barely bring leave house pretty much last friend feel like letting slip away like friend destroying afraid anything hate terrible friend dont know change always known nice guy help way like talk anyone willing give time day well dont even know wa lady store day dropped something cane arm full fucking watched struggle pick stuff ground kind fucking person watch someone struggle apparently like froze guess move body wa like wa paralyzed pit stomach felt really anxious youd describe hate become want go back kind guy always help others instead watching struggle like jackass dont know fix become afraid going affect try get job summer go college afraid going shell used someone watch thing happen instead giving helping hand feel like agoddamn failure mainly guess story type thing doesnt really point talking reflecting much asshole someone actually read well love suggestion get rid damn shell left alot detail 1am school morning maybe come back sometime computer fill bit thanks reading sincerely hope dont go gone ruined whole damn life even started
Why can't I be happy for friends who are doing well for themselves,"Whenever I run into a friend I always try and be supportive and happy for them if they are doing well. I honestly am happy for them but when I stew over it for a while and just feel bad about my own situation.  I know everyone has there own challenges that I am not seeing, I just get to see the good side of their situation, but I can't help but feel shitty.    

I'm doing ok, but if I didn't have this fucking depression I know I'd be doing better. I can't make progress I've tried to force myself but that seems to just make things worse, I also don't have it that bad so I feel like I'm unrelatable. I also try and be as rational as I can but that doesn't help either it just makes me feel like I'm being sensitive and overreacting.",jethro2011,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdhnu9/why_cant_i_be_happy_for_friends_who_are_doing/,whenever run friend always try supportive happy well honestly happy stew feel bad situation know everyone ha challenge seeing get see good side situation help feel shitty ok fucking depression know better make progress tried force seems make thing worse also bad feel like unrelatable also try rational help either make feel like sensitive overreacting,happy friend well,jethro 2011,737,66,jethro 2011 whenever run friend always try supportive happy well honestly happy stew feel bad situation know everyone ha challenge seeing get see good side situation help feel shitty ok fucking depression know better make progress tried force seems make thing worse also bad feel like unrelatable also try rational help either make feel like sensitive overreacting happy friend well
Diary Entry 01 - I hate Xi Jin Ping,"Dear Diary,

I feel myself, yet again, sliding into the abyss of darkness.

Is it better that I remain fueled by anger and frustration at the CCP? When hopelessness overtakes anger, I feel sucked into a swirling vortex of desolation.

Knives, scissors, any shiny sharp object - they all beckon warmly, seducing me with sweet promises of an end to this pain.

Carefully laid plans, budgets, all gone awry because of a situation beyond control. Exacerbated by one man's greed for power and face.

I fear to run out of anger. When fury no longer triggers, and desolation lays waste to sanity, it would probably be the beginning of the end.

Love,

Cat",PetrifiedCat,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdl3xy/diary_entry_01_i_hate_xi_jin_ping/,dear diary feel yet sliding abyss darkness better remain fueled anger frustration ccp hopelessness overtakes anger feel sucked swirling vortex desolation knife scissors shiny sharp object beckon warmly seducing sweet promise end pain carefully laid plan budget gone awry situation beyond control exacerbated one man greed power face fear run anger fury longer trigger desolation lay waste sanity would probably beginning end love cat,diary entry 01 hate xi jin ping,petrified cat,648,35,petrified cat dear diary feel yet sliding abyss darkness better remain fueled anger frustration ccp hopelessness overtakes anger feel sucked swirling vortex desolation knife scissors shiny sharp object beckon warmly seducing sweet promise end pain carefully laid plan budget gone awry situation beyond control exacerbated one man greed power face fear run anger fury longer trigger desolation lay waste sanity would probably beginning end love cat diary entry 01 hate xi jin ping
i’d like to jump off a bridge :),"no one wants me to be here anyways and all i do is mess everything up because i’m retarded and i want to die anyways so fuck it ig. idk there was really no point in making this post but it’s w.e, no one’s going to read it anyways so it doesn’t matter ig",WishIWasInEngland,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdmehg/id_like_to_jump_off_a_bridge/,one want anyways mess everything retarded want die anyways fuck ig idk wa really point making post w e one going read anyways matter ig,like jump bridge,wish wa england,253,32,wish wa england one want anyways mess everything retarded want die anyways fuck ig idk wa really point making post w e one going read anyways matter ig like jump bridge
Dealing with seeing family unwell,"For the past ten years my mum has been unwell with autoimmune diseases, and two years ago my dad injured his spine at work and had to have spinal surgery. I feel like no matter how great I feel (I’ve been on antidepressants for almost two years now) it’s always in the back of my mind that my parents are suffering from illness and injury everyday and it kills me. I’m very close to my parents and I hate seeing them like this. I don’t know how to cope?",kitkatkimba,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqvj9/dealing_with_seeing_family_unwell/,past ten year mum ha unwell autoimmune disease two year ago dad injured spine work spinal surgery feel like matter great feel antidepressant almost two year always back mind parent suffering illness injury everyday kill close parent hate seeing like know cope,dealing seeing family unwell,kit kat kimba,453,33,kit kat kimba past ten year mum ha unwell autoimmune disease two year ago dad injured spine work spinal surgery feel like matter great feel antidepressant almost two year always back mind parent suffering illness injury everyday kill close parent hate seeing like know cope dealing seeing family unwell
"I’m angry, mad, frustrated, infuriated, disgusted","I’m pissed off at my depression. It comes and goes and every time it comes back, IT’S WORSE. I hate how I talk to a therapist every two weeks and I’m not diagnosed with depression. I cry every night and feel so alone. I’ve isolated myself from others in order to heal. I go to the gym 4 days a week, I eat healthy, I try to do some chores and self care too. I don’t know if I need meds because apparently I show signs of willingness so I don’t need them. I’m pissed that I am consumed by chronic sadness every day and night, 24/7. I’m also pissed that I have no supportive people besides my parents and cousin. Perhaps I’m ungrateful. I’d rather end it all tbh. Nothing in this life is exciting and at 21, life should be fun, exciting, wild, laid-back, etc. As a young woman, I should be excited for what’s to come. I should be excited for having a wonderful life but I am not. I absolutely hate my self and my life. Nothing is helping, not even talking to others. The only person who can help me is me and nothing is working.",sunflowerxx09,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdmdl9/im_angry_mad_frustrated_infuriated_disgusted/,pissed depression come go every time come back worse hate talk therapist every two week diagnosed depression cry every night feel alone isolated others order heal go gym 4 day week eat healthy try chore self care know need med apparently show sign willingness need pissed consumed chronic sadness every day night 24 7 also pissed supportive people besides parent cousin perhaps ungrateful rather end tbh nothing life exciting 21 life fun exciting wild laid back etc young woman excited come excited wonderful life absolutely hate self life nothing helping even talking others person help nothing working,angry mad frustrated infuriated disgusted,sunflower xx 09,1026,49,sunflower xx 09 pissed depression come go every time come back worse hate talk therapist every two week diagnosed depression cry every night feel alone isolated others order heal go gym 4 day week eat healthy try chore self care know need med apparently show sign willingness need pissed consumed chronic sadness every day night 24 7 also pissed supportive people besides parent cousin perhaps ungrateful rather end tbh nothing life exciting 21 life fun exciting wild laid back etc young woman excited come excited wonderful life absolutely hate self life nothing helping even talking others person help nothing working angry mad frustrated infuriated disgusted
Big oopsie. Stayed up way too late :(,"When I stay up late, I kinda freak out. I get stressed anxious and sad at the same time. It really freaking sucks. I've been going to sleep at around 6-6:30 so I don't have to eat as much at dinner and I can fall asleep before my brain goes sicko mode and wander down a dark path of self hate and anxious thoughts. Today I stayed at dinner until 7:10 so yeah...",an-nym-us,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqu4h/big_oopsie_stayed_up_way_too_late/,stay late kinda freak get stressed anxious sad time really freaking suck going sleep around 6 6 30 eat much dinner fall asleep brain go sicko mode wander dark path self hate anxious thought today stayed dinner 7 10 yeah,big oopsie stayed way late,ny u,361,37,ny u stay late kinda freak get stressed anxious sad time really freaking suck going sleep around 6 6 30 eat much dinner fall asleep brain go sicko mode wander dark path self hate anxious thought today stayed dinner 7 10 yeah big oopsie stayed way late
What is today even,Can I just rant? Can I just post that people do not seem to even want to connect with other people today?  My goodness how I have reached out for help with no one responding. YET my cats are coddling me like no tomorrow because they can sense something is up?! What is wrong with us as human beings? Are we really that afraid of connection?,Fatalassassin585,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdmbko/what_is_today_even/,rant post people seem even want connect people today goodness reached help one responding yet cat coddling like tomorrow sense something wrong u human really afraid connection,today even,fatal assassin 585,340,18,fatal assassin 585 rant post people seem even want connect people today goodness reached help one responding yet cat coddling like tomorrow sense something wrong u human really afraid connection today even
Help me get out!,"I’m in kind of a hole. Almost 4 months of no work now. All i do is get high. I don’t go out with friends anymore. I don’t leave the house anymore, only to buy weed. I’ve gotten kind of anxious of people. And very very bitter in general. 

Does anyone relate? Do you have any tips of how to get out of this? 

I’m in therapy. And i promise myself every night that tomorrow will be different, but that usually only lasts like a day or two and then I go back into bed.",itisjust,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdo2no/help_me_get_out/,kind hole almost 4 month work get high go friend anymore leave house anymore buy weed gotten kind anxious people bitter general doe anyone relate tip get therapy promise every night tomorrow different usually last like day two go back bed,help get,,465,16, kind hole almost 4 month work get high go friend anymore leave house anymore buy weed gotten kind anxious people bitter general doe anyone relate tip get therapy promise every night tomorrow different usually last like day two go back bed help get
I hope death brings wonder,"I desperately hope that life beyond this world is more exciting. Life on earth has always seemed hollow and artificial to me in some ways, like it’s a shadow or diet version of the real thing. We just fill our time with materials and ideas, all the while never really knowing what it’s all about. We can only get so close to people and it’s hard to truly know someone. I just want excitement and unpredictability like a video game. I also am very enthralled with simulation theory, being that life often doesn’t feel real to me. I really hope there’s more out there than this.",pnahwuzzer,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqtnh/i_hope_death_brings_wonder/,desperately hope life beyond world exciting life earth ha always seemed hollow artificial way like shadow diet version real thing fill time material idea never really knowing get close people hard truly know someone want excitement unpredictability like video game also enthralled simulation theory life often feel real really hope,hope death brings wonder,p nah wu zz er,576,26,p nah wu zz er desperately hope life beyond world exciting life earth ha always seemed hollow artificial way like shadow diet version real thing fill time material idea never really knowing get close people hard truly know someone want excitement unpredictability like video game also enthralled simulation theory life often feel real really hope hope death brings wonder
Ever try to pick up a hobby then stop because you're so bad at it?,Right now it's painting. I've always wanted to do it. I'm not creative though which makes it hard. I'm always so bad at learning how to do things properly. I always end up crying from frustration and wondering why I'm never good at anything.,VengefulMarshmallow,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdo232/ever_try_to_pick_up_a_hobby_then_stop_because/,right painting always wanted creative though make hard always bad learning thing properly always end cry frustration wondering never good anything,ever try pick hobby stop bad,vengeful marshmallow,241,66,vengeful marshmallow right painting always wanted creative though make hard always bad learning thing properly always end cry frustration wondering never good anything ever try pick hobby stop bad
"21 years old, make minimum wage, few friends, take one class rn, usually have low energy.","I can't take this anymore. I've been wanting to buy a pocket pistol or similar weapon to off myself with for the past few days now, and I've been doing the research. I live in SE Michigan, drive for money (can't afford a living), and have been studying to get a certification for IT so I can maybe get a job at a geek squad. Also been looking at getting a job as a Pharmacy tech. Yes, my dad is autistic, so I may not consume the media that you do, but I assure you I will be far from a burden in your life, if you so choose to... adopt me... I'm running out of steam and ideas, and I refuse to let myself become a burnout when I had nothing but good intentions.",PoorlyTimed_Meme,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqsx2/21_years_old_make_minimum_wage_few_friends_take/,take anymore wanting buy pocket pistol similar weapon past day research live se michigan drive money afford living studying get certification maybe get job geek squad also looking getting job pharmacy tech yes dad autistic may consume medium assure far burden life choose adopt running steam idea refuse let become burnout nothing good intention,21 year old make minimum wage friend take one class rn usually low energy,poorly timed meme,662,89,poorly timed meme take anymore wanting buy pocket pistol similar weapon past day research live se michigan drive money afford living studying get certification maybe get job geek squad also looking getting job pharmacy tech yes dad autistic may consume medium assure far burden life choose adopt running steam idea refuse let become burnout nothing good intention 21 year old make minimum wage friend take one class rn usually low energy
Another long frustrated rant,"So I've been seeing a therapist for a couple of months now, and besides all the other upsides of therapy, I think my favorite and also most frustrating part is that my therapist confirmed that I am incredibly self-aware. 

To the point that she usually just agrees with me and I spend a lot of my sessions just talking to myself. Because I already know why my thoughts are irrational. I know I shouldn't let these things bother me. I know I'm not alone. I know this is an ongoing thing, I know, I know I know. 

And that's so frustrating. Because knowing doesnt make me feel any better. Knowing I need to learn how to like myself better and be okay to be alone  doesnt help me actually get there. And when I get there, or think I've gotten there, I dont really feel any better. 

Yes, I'm lonely. I should learn to enjoy my own company and spend time with people who actually want to be with me. Great! Done that! Do this all the fucking time. But I feel the same. I'm still lonely. I still hate myself. 

Worst part is that I cant even blame anyone or anything. I did this. I'm doing this. I'm the problem. 

My therapist part of the problem is that I overthink and keep having these expectations for myself. That I should try to just ""do"" what feels right. But I already do that. If anything, I do it too much. That's why I'm starting to accumulate so much junk in my house. 

Idk. I just wanted to let the usual ramblings in my head out somewhere. I'm tired.",justinthrowawaybae,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdma9i/another_long_frustrated_rant/,seeing therapist couple month besides upside therapy think favorite also frustrating part therapist confirmed incredibly self aware point usually agrees spend lot session talking already know thought irrational know let thing bother know alone know ongoing thing know know know frustrating knowing doesnt make feel better knowing need learn like better okay alone doesnt help actually get get think gotten dont really feel better yes lonely learn enjoy company spend time people actually want great done fucking time feel still lonely still hate worst part cant even blame anyone anything problem therapist part problem overthink keep expectation try feel right already anything much starting accumulate much junk house idk wanted let usual ramblings head somewhere tired,another long frustrated rant,throwaway bae,1461,28,throwaway bae seeing therapist couple month besides upside therapy think favorite also frustrating part therapist confirmed incredibly self aware point usually agrees spend lot session talking already know thought irrational know let thing bother know alone know ongoing thing know know know frustrating knowing doesnt make feel better knowing need learn like better okay alone doesnt help actually get get think gotten dont really feel better yes lonely learn enjoy company spend time people actually want great done fucking time feel still lonely still hate worst part cant even blame anyone anything problem therapist part problem overthink keep expectation try feel right already anything much starting accumulate much junk house idk wanted let usual ramblings head somewhere tired another long frustrated rant
New low,Got to the point that the psych hotlines in my area all know me.,theCommonSlaw,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdo196/new_low/,got point psych hotlines area know,new low,common law,64,7,common law got point psych hotlines area know new low
I genuinely feel good after being depressed for over one year straight,"Hey! The past year I've been really depressed. I tried to kill myself and felt like it wasn't getting better at all. I somehow managed to deal with everyday life, but I didn't really live. I knew what kind of behavior was appropriate and I tried acting accordingly, but I didn't feel what I was doing. The destination of my thoughts was always suicide. I thought about it a lot. I planned multiple suicide attempts. I wrote  farewell letters. Stuff like that. 
Now I slowly return to my true self. It's like I'm able to see the world in colour again. It's not that I'm always happy. There are days I feel bad. Even days I'm depressed again. But it's way better than it used to be. I'm in touch with my feelings again. I've almost forgotten how sensitive I was. I feel alive again and that's fucking amazing!

The reason I post this here is that I wanna remind you (and maybe even myself) that it gets better. You got this. You're strong. I believe in you. No matter how bad you feel at the moment, remember there will be times you feel better and that are worth living for!

Stay safe, guys! You're strong-ass motherfuckers :)",ItsEsJay,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdjm5l/i_genuinely_feel_good_after_being_depressed_for/,hey past year really depressed tried kill felt like getting better somehow managed deal everyday life really live knew kind behavior wa appropriate tried acting accordingly feel wa destination thought wa always suicide thought lot planned multiple suicide attempt wrote farewell letter stuff like slowly return true self like able see world colour always happy day feel bad even day depressed way better used touch feeling almost forgotten sensitive wa feel alive fucking amazing reason post wanna remind maybe even get better got strong believe matter bad feel moment remember time feel better worth living stay safe guy strong motherfucker,genuinely feel good depressed one year straight,e jay,1126,70,e jay hey past year really depressed tried kill felt like getting better somehow managed deal everyday life really live knew kind behavior wa appropriate tried acting accordingly feel wa destination thought wa always suicide thought lot planned multiple suicide attempt wrote farewell letter stuff like slowly return true self like able see world colour always happy day feel bad even day depressed way better used touch feeling almost forgotten sensitive wa feel alive fucking amazing reason post wanna remind maybe even get better got strong believe matter bad feel moment remember time feel better worth living stay safe guy strong motherfucker genuinely feel good depressed one year straight
when i know i have to wake up to do something i’m extra tired,"Does anyone else have this? Like when I get up for school, I always want to go back to sleep, but like if I stay home sick I become super awake and stay up. For about 4 years on school days I’ve set about 30 alarms from 5:55 to 7:20 because of this. I don’t know if it’s linked to depression, because I’ve only been really depressed for about 8 months but had mild depression for about 3 years. I remember always having this phenomenon. It’s so noticeable too, like if I fake being sick to stay home, the second I know I’m able to my mind and body just become instantly awake.",Shot-Issue,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqnhl/when_i_know_i_have_to_wake_up_to_do_something_im/,doe anyone else like get school always want go back sleep like stay home sick become super awake stay 4 year school day set 30 alarm 5 55 7 20 know linked depression really depressed 8 month mild depression 3 year remember always phenomenon noticeable like fake sick stay home second know able mind body become instantly awake,know wake something extra tired,shot issue,576,61,shot issue doe anyone else like get school always want go back sleep like stay home sick become super awake stay 4 year school day set 30 alarm 5 55 7 20 know linked depression really depressed 8 month mild depression 3 year remember always phenomenon noticeable like fake sick stay home second know able mind body become instantly awake know wake something extra tired
Help me name a feeling,"First of all, some details about me. I am 25 years old male in my last semester of college (yaaay!) and I call myself protypal geek - introverted IT guy who loves fantasy and Sci-fi. I am from a small European country. 

I am struggling with a feeling I can't quite name. Most of the time I feel incomplete, like some vital piece of me is missing. This feeling goes away and the world turns brighter the minute I start feeling attracted to someone. Just the possibility of having a girlfriend makes me happy, that feeling of hope. And the minute I lose that hope.. well.. hello darkness my old friend.

I've read the usual advice ""you need to be complete by yourself, find a new hobby or something that makes you happy"". I've tried, really tried. It's possible to silence it, but not remove it. When I focus on work, or on a game, a book, anything I need to put my mind on, it goes away. Unless I have a really bad day, then I need to drill through it if I want to get something done.

It kinda sounds like depression triggered by loneliness, is something like that even possible? It also have pretty firm grasp on my life, on my actions to be precise. I am driven to look for at least that hope. I am currently trying to expand my social circle. I found out that there is a pretty big fantasy/LARP community in our country. Problem is that I am going in with finding a girlfriend as my main goal. Yeah I will probably have lots of fun, but that's secondary. Rationally it sounds pretty bonkers.

One last thing I should probably mention is that I had girlfriends in the past, but with big pauses between them. The shortest pause was half a year but a standard pause is around two years which is also for how long I am alone now. One of my theories is that all this is happening because I am operating in scarcity mindset. 

I am looking for someone who can relate, maybe even help me put a name on it. I want to understand it.",Gekocius,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdm2m6/help_me_name_a_feeling/,first detail 25 year old male last semester college yaaay call protypal geek introverted guy love fantasy sci fi small european country struggling feeling quite name time feel incomplete like vital piece missing feeling go away world turn brighter minute start feeling attracted someone possibility girlfriend make happy feeling hope minute lose hope well hello darkness old friend read usual advice need complete find new hobby something make happy tried really tried possible silence remove focus work game book anything need put mind go away unless really bad day need drill want get something done kinda sound like depression triggered loneliness something like even possible also pretty firm grasp life action precise driven look least hope currently trying expand social circle found pretty big fantasy larp community country problem going finding girlfriend main goal yeah probably lot fun secondary rationally sound pretty bonkers one last thing probably mention girlfriend past big pause shortest pause wa half year standard pause around two year also long alone one theory happening operating scarcity mindset looking someone relate maybe even help put name want understand,help name feeling,gek oc ius,1927,22,gek oc ius first detail 25 year old male last semester college yaaay call protypal geek introverted guy love fantasy sci fi small european country struggling feeling quite name time feel incomplete like vital piece missing feeling go away world turn brighter minute start feeling attracted someone possibility girlfriend make happy feeling hope minute lose hope well hello darkness old friend read usual advice need complete find new hobby something make happy tried really tried possible silence remove focus work game book anything need put mind go away unless really bad day need drill want get something done kinda sound like depression triggered loneliness something like even possible also pretty firm grasp life action precise driven look least hope currently trying expand social circle found pretty big fantasy larp community country problem going finding girlfriend main goal yeah probably lot fun secondary rationally sound pretty bonkers one last thing probably mention girlfriend past big pause shortest pause wa half year standard pause around two year also long alone one theory happening operating scarcity mindset looking someone relate maybe even help put name want understand help name feeling
medication just makes my dissociation worse,"I’ve always had issues with dissociation, but since I started taking meds for my depression it just seems to be a constant thing. I hate it, I feel like I’m not even human anymore. I feel more like a robot. Everybody says they’ve seen such a difference in me since I started taking them, but I’m not feeling better. I’m not feeling anything. Which is scarier than feeling depressed, because it was the emptiness that drove me to start self harming years ago and I desperately do not want to go back to that place. I feel like medication is pushing me backwards. I know it. can take many attempts to find the right medication, but I’ve tried three different ones so far and every one is the same. They all make me feel like this and it’s driving me insane. I just want to be able to feel like a normal human being, instead of having a choice between “miserable” and “empty”. Both make me feel like I’d be better off dead, so it’s not exactly helping :/",JirachiiDreamer,3,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdm1u7/medication_just_makes_my_dissociation_worse/,always issue dissociation since started taking med depression seems constant thing hate feel like even human anymore feel like robot everybody say seen difference since started taking feeling better feeling anything scarier feeling depressed wa emptiness drove start self harming year ago desperately want go back place feel like medication pushing backwards know take many attempt find right medication tried three different one far every one make feel like driving insane want able feel like normal human instead choice miserable empty make feel like better dead exactly helping,medication make dissociation worse,jira chi dreamer,951,43,jira chi dreamer always issue dissociation since started taking med depression seems constant thing hate feel like even human anymore feel like robot everybody say seen difference since started taking feeling better feeling anything scarier feeling depressed wa emptiness drove start self harming year ago desperately want go back place feel like medication pushing backwards know take many attempt find right medication tried three different one far every one make feel like driving insane want able feel like normal human instead choice miserable empty make feel like better dead exactly helping medication make dissociation worse
Im very close to giving up.,"I [m23] am probably one or two bad days away from just giving up.
Im in school, taking classes to qualify for my dream program which would qualify me for my dream job. I have a girlfriend. I have a great family. But I'm not sure i have it in me do put up with the school and the problems with my relationship and dealing with my own mental health issues anymore.
Im struggling with depression and anxiety and ADHD symptoms, but the therapist that was supposed to refer me to a doctor to see about medicine hasnt done that yet. Its been almost two weeks and he hasnt returned calls or taken any steps at all to get me that medicine evaluation. I am not enough for my girlfriend. Not romantic enough. Not sexual enough. Not thoughtful enough. I have tried for years to change that, she's been through all of it, but i haven't changed a bit. Maybe the medication would help, but i cant seem to be able to get it.
I struggle to learn in class, i struggle to improve in my relationship, and every day i find it more enticing to just fall back on my bachelors degree that i already have and work in an office or something. Sure, i know i wont be happy. But im not happy now, so whats the difference? At least i wouldnt have to put any more effort in than i have to.
I just want to give up. I have nothing left in me. The only thing keeping me going is that i dont want to disappoint my parents or my girlfriend anymore",chernobyl_mofo,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdjifa/im_very_close_to_giving_up/,m23 probably one two bad day away giving im school taking class qualify dream program would qualify dream job girlfriend great family sure put school problem relationship dealing mental health issue anymore im struggling depression anxiety adhd symptom therapist wa supposed refer doctor see medicine hasnt done yet almost two week hasnt returned call taken step get medicine evaluation enough girlfriend romantic enough sexual enough thoughtful enough tried year change changed bit maybe medication would help cant seem able get struggle learn class struggle improve relationship every day find enticing fall back bachelor degree already work office something sure know wont happy im happy whats difference least wouldnt put effort want give nothing left thing keeping going dont want disappoint parent girlfriend anymore,im close giving,chernobyl mofo,1412,27,chernobyl mofo m23 probably one two bad day away giving im school taking class qualify dream program would qualify dream job girlfriend great family sure put school problem relationship dealing mental health issue anymore im struggling depression anxiety adhd symptom therapist wa supposed refer doctor see medicine hasnt done yet almost two week hasnt returned call taken step get medicine evaluation enough girlfriend romantic enough sexual enough thoughtful enough tried year change changed bit maybe medication would help cant seem able get struggle learn class struggle improve relationship every day find enticing fall back bachelor degree already work office something sure know wont happy im happy whats difference least wouldnt put effort want give nothing left thing keeping going dont want disappoint parent girlfriend anymore im close giving
Low,"My head feels crazy like super foggy and slowed down but also spinning at 100mph because im thinking about so much and stressed but also feel nothing and low and its very confusing so im trying to list 
Why am i feeling low starting from immediate problems to longer lasting /more distant problems:


-struggling to write essay

-4 separate deadlines looming, haven't even started reading for 3 of them

-everyone is better than me

-i do not feel like i deserve to be at the uni i am at because i do not feel clever enough or that i fit in and feel like no one cares about me

-my classmate/friend is 700x better than me at everything... She is genuinely good at everything and she loves to ""unknowingly"" rub it in my face and make dehumanising comments if i ever even allude to struggling with anything by the slightest amount... Like if i ever even start to ask her for help or talk about how i dont understand a lecture before i even get a sentence out she cuts me off with ""what? Noooooooo dont be so sILLY, thats obvious!"" or goes on about how easy she finds it or how ""i dont need to go to revision because i know everything and [talking about exam we did earlier in the term which she hasn't looked at her grades for yet] i would know if i got anything wrong and i know i didnt because i know what i was doing"" blah blah blah ok I get it u know everything and are god sent

-If i even suggest i might not be all that ok upstairs she tells me im fine and that i dont need to worry and literally just shuts me down and then  immediately complains when i dont talk to her when we walk to lectures together

-my friend is fucking the most self absorbed person you know and she doesnt even realise and to make it worse we are from polar opposite social classes (i.e she is rich, privately educated, lived extremely sheltered and ungrateful life where ahe gets whatever she wants whenever) so she always makes comments about things like if i mention student debt she LITERALLY went ""well your parents pay for university so dont worry""... And i had to go ""no they cannot afford to do that"" and then proceed to tell her, yes, i have had a job since i was 14 and no it wasnt because i wanted experience it was so i could afford the luxury of university and then explain what a bursary was and she kept making ignorant remarks like ""wha- why would you need that"" ""it doesn't cost thAT much"" and just... She is quite dehumanising and makes me feel like utter worthless shit. Its annoying because she doesnt realise how lucky she is and how lucky she is to of had to many opportunities handed to her and all the connections she has to good companies and high paying jobs just because of who her parents are... Like... All im saying is i wish she would stop being so blind to the world and actually learn that there are other people that exist that haven't lived the same life as her and i wish she would be respectful to people and not so fucking oblivious to the world!

-i miss home

-i am burnt out and need a break but i do not and will not ever get one because as soon as term is over, i need to revise. Then term starts and i learn. Then term ends and i revise and study and work and revise. No break ever.

-anxiety through the roof about everything

-i miss home

-other stuff like memories about things i forgot ever happened but i cant remember all the details or i remember everything over and over again and im not sure why they make me feel so horrible or nervous because theyre not necessarily bad events im just thinking about memories or events from when I was younger or not even from that long ago but i wish i wouldnt remember anything because it seems to be bothering me

-comparing myself to my sister, my sister being better than me, im expected to do really really well at uni ""for your sister"" (according to my mother since my sister is taking a year out of uni)... So MY degree isnt about me anymore its about doing it for my fucking sister who has basically stolen everything from me and now since she i taking a year out all the attention is on her, which is fine but now eveyone assumes she is the only one allowed to suffer and i am doing fantastic because i haven't dropped out or taken a year out or anything so apparently that means im fucking fantastic and going to get a 1st in my exams (""for"" my sister... Because i dont matter)... And i also cant go to my parents, not that i ever would have before, because all attention is on my sister and i am not allowed to let them down i have to do well for my sister

-genral annoyed about everything

-nothing is fair but im not allowed to say that because ""LiFeS nOt fAiR"" so i just have ro suck it up and pretend that im fantastic and love that everything is against me",azacitidine,8,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdly3a/low/,head feel crazy like super foggy slowed also spinning 100mph im thinking much stressed also feel nothing low confusing im trying list feeling low starting immediate problem longer lasting distant problem struggling write essay 4 separate deadline looming even started reading 3 everyone better feel like deserve uni feel clever enough fit feel like one care classmate friend 700x better everything genuinely good everything love unknowingly rub face make dehumanising comment ever even allude struggling anything slightest amount like ever even start ask help talk dont understand lecture even get sentence cut noooooooo dont silly thats obvious go easy find dont need go revision know everything talking exam earlier term looked grade yet would know got anything wrong know didnt know wa blah blah blah ok get u know everything god sent even suggest might ok upstairs tell im fine dont need worry literally shuts immediately complains dont talk walk lecture together friend fucking self absorbed person know doesnt even realise make worse polar opposite social class e rich privately educated lived extremely sheltered ungrateful life ahe get whatever want whenever always make comment thing like mention student debt literally went well parent pay university dont worry go cannot afford proceed tell yes job since wa 14 wasnt wanted experience wa could afford luxury university explain bursary wa kept making ignorant remark like wha would need cost much quite dehumanising make feel like utter worthless shit annoying doesnt realise lucky lucky many opportunity handed connection ha good company high paying job parent like im saying wish would stop blind world actually learn people exist lived life wish would respectful people fucking oblivious world miss home burnt need break ever get one soon term need revise term start learn term end revise study work revise break ever anxiety roof everything miss home stuff like memory thing forgot ever happened cant remember detail remember everything im sure make feel horrible nervous theyre necessarily bad event im thinking memory event wa younger even long ago wish wouldnt remember anything seems bothering comparing sister sister better im expected really really well uni sister according mother since sister taking year uni degree isnt anymore fucking sister ha basically stolen everything since taking year attention fine eveyone assumes one allowed suffer fantastic dropped taken year anything apparently mean im fucking fantastic going get 1st exam sister dont matter also cant go parent ever would attention sister allowed let well sister genral annoyed everything nothing fair im allowed say life fair ro suck pretend im fantastic love everything,low,aza citi dine,4745,3,aza citi dine head feel crazy like super foggy slowed also spinning 100mph im thinking much stressed also feel nothing low confusing im trying list feeling low starting immediate problem longer lasting distant problem struggling write essay 4 separate deadline looming even started reading 3 everyone better feel like deserve uni feel clever enough fit feel like one care classmate friend 700x better everything genuinely good everything love unknowingly rub face make dehumanising comment ever even allude struggling anything slightest amount like ever even start ask help talk dont understand lecture even get sentence cut noooooooo dont silly thats obvious go easy find dont need go revision know everything talking exam earlier term looked grade yet would know got anything wrong know didnt know wa blah blah blah ok get u know everything god sent even suggest might ok upstairs tell im fine dont need worry literally shuts immediately complains dont talk walk lecture together friend fucking self absorbed person know doesnt even realise make worse polar opposite social class e rich privately educated lived extremely sheltered ungrateful life ahe get whatever want whenever always make comment thing like mention student debt literally went well parent pay university dont worry go cannot afford proceed tell yes job since wa 14 wasnt wanted experience wa could afford luxury university explain bursary wa kept making ignorant remark like wha would need cost much quite dehumanising make feel like utter worthless shit annoying doesnt realise lucky lucky many opportunity handed connection ha good company high paying job parent like im saying wish would stop blind world actually learn people exist lived life wish would respectful people fucking oblivious world miss home burnt need break ever get one soon term need revise term start learn term end revise study work revise break ever anxiety roof everything miss home stuff like memory thing forgot ever happened cant remember detail remember everything im sure make feel horrible nervous theyre necessarily bad event im thinking memory event wa younger even long ago wish wouldnt remember anything seems bothering comparing sister sister better im expected really really well uni sister according mother since sister taking year uni degree isnt anymore fucking sister ha basically stolen everything since taking year attention fine eveyone assumes one allowed suffer fantastic dropped taken year anything apparently mean im fucking fantastic going get 1st exam sister dont matter also cant go parent ever would attention sister allowed let well sister genral annoyed everything nothing fair im allowed say life fair ro suck pretend im fantastic love everything low
i feel that i did a big mastake in my past life !! and i want to die but wanna live and i awlways feel regret,"i always was having a wierd feelings that i lived before and im here just to fix it and im punishment for what i did maybe i have problems in my family but that normal maybe i saw thing and lived things no kid wanted in his life you know every time i go to school i wonder why im here why me am i real is that all dream im not one of them im just acting and i never fall in love with someone i just pick and said ooh ilike this guy and i always just trying to fount a reason to go to my home  all do they all do the same and in the way to house i stop and said asking my self where am i going and every time i see kids or pure people i feel so bad and dont deserv my lifewhy me and he not to when i came back to my home i see my mom and i said maybe if i wasnt me here she wouldnt live a bad life because of me i need to word hard in my school to get a good marc but i feel so stupid in exams i think it doesnt matter and you know whta i think i always live in my imagination  just to forget i wanna me back my old me that girl who was see the world beautiful but i see only the pain in others eyes and i act for my mom act for my school act to my self i know i overthinking so mush then i cry 

i hope someone feel the same way i feel about my self",houda1234567,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqj3g/i_feel_that_i_did_a_big_mastake_in_my_past_life/,always wa wierd feeling lived im fix im punishment maybe problem family normal maybe saw thing lived thing kid wanted life know every time go school wonder im real dream im one im acting never fall love someone pick said ooh ilike guy always trying fount reason go home way house stop said asking self going every time see kid pure people feel bad dont deserv lifewhy came back home see mom said maybe wasnt wouldnt live bad life need word hard school get good marc feel stupid exam think doesnt matter know whta think always live imagination forget wanna back old girl wa see world beautiful see pain others eye act mom act school act self know overthinking mush cry hope someone feel way feel self,feel big mastake past life want die wanna live awlways feel regret,hou da 1234567,1249,109,hou da 1234567 always wa wierd feeling lived im fix im punishment maybe problem family normal maybe saw thing lived thing kid wanted life know every time go school wonder im real dream im one im acting never fall love someone pick said ooh ilike guy always trying fount reason go home way house stop said asking self going every time see kid pure people feel bad dont deserv lifewhy came back home see mom said maybe wasnt wouldnt live bad life need word hard school get good marc feel stupid exam think doesnt matter know whta think always live imagination forget wanna back old girl wa see world beautiful see pain others eye act mom act school act self know overthinking mush cry hope someone feel way feel self feel big mastake past life want die wanna live awlways feel regret
I can't do anything wrong,I can't fucking do anything right. I'm a dumbass that keeps finding new ways to ruin everything for myself despite anything I do. I just keep messing everything up. I can't even do basic stuff that's easy for everyone. I'm pathetic.,shishkab,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqh4l/i_cant_do_anything_wrong/,fucking anything right dumbass keep finding new way ruin everything despite anything keep messing everything even basic stuff easy everyone pathetic,anything wrong,shish kab,232,25,shish kab fucking anything right dumbass keep finding new way ruin everything despite anything keep messing everything even basic stuff easy everyone pathetic anything wrong
Physically and mentally broken,"Welp, just got done with another batch of doctors visits and the results are in, I will be crippled for the rest of my life.

But that's not what bothers me, I've had plenty of time to come to terms with my condition and the affect it will have on my quality of life and my life expectancy. 

What bothers me is the soul crushing loneliness, I havent had a girlfriend in years and I haven't been physically touched in what seems like forever. 

I spend all day in a shitty little side room by myself writing and hardly see hide nor hair of another person besides my dad most of the time. 

I'm pretty done with it all to be honest, I don't really see any reason to continue living like this.",Spamwise_,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdlu8a/physically_and_mentally_broken/,welp got done another batch doctor visit result crippled rest life bother plenty time come term condition affect quality life life expectancy bother soul crushing loneliness havent girlfriend year physically touched seems like forever spend day shitty little side room writing hardly see hide hair another person besides dad time pretty done honest really see reason continue living like,physically mentally broken,spam wise,691,30,spam wise welp got done another batch doctor visit result crippled rest life bother plenty time come term condition affect quality life life expectancy bother soul crushing loneliness havent girlfriend year physically touched seems like forever spend day shitty little side room writing hardly see hide hair another person besides dad time pretty done honest really see reason continue living like physically mentally broken
I'm so tired of all the bitterness...,"I had a bad childhood growing up. My parents were addicts and all they cared about was their addiction, so I grew up pretty much being raised and cared for by my brother and my grandmother. I've suffered through child abuse, sexual assault, and a hefty handful of mental illness throughout my life, and I'm just so tired of negativity. I struggled throughout my childhood with the hope that things would be better when I became an adult and got away from that lifestyle, but it's not. It feels like the whole damn world is just as hateful and cruel and nasty as my childhood was. How do you wake up in the morning and continue to go on when you haven't a hope in the world things are ever going to ""get better""? How do you wake up and brave the bullsh** of life when everywhere you look you see nothing but hate? Whenever I try to talk about it, I'm greeted with ""that's life"" or ""welcome to adulthood"" and I'm tired of it already. I'm tired of ""tough love"". I just can't wrap my mind around how so many people can be so hateful towards each other. People killing each other left and right, hating each other for the color of their skin, for the way they dress, the people they love, and the higher powers they choose to believe in. I just don't understand it all. My heart aches. I feel like a sad, lonely little girl who started running through a dark tunnel towards the light only to be greeted with a punch to the gut and a spit in the face when coming out the other end. I'll wake up every morning and live my life still, I'll go to work and do my job, make my money and pay my bills, but the light died in me a long time ago. I just hope the embers still burn and I'll find my spark again someday, but until then, existing will have to do.",MorbidMortician31,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdlu6p/im_so_tired_of_all_the_bitterness/,bad childhood growing parent addict cared wa addiction grew pretty much raised cared brother grandmother suffered child abuse sexual assault hefty handful mental illness throughout life tired negativity struggled throughout childhood hope thing would better became adult got away lifestyle feel like whole damn world hateful cruel nasty childhood wa wake morning continue go hope world thing ever going get better wake brave bullsh life everywhere look see nothing hate whenever try talk greeted life welcome adulthood tired already tired tough love wrap mind around many people hateful towards people killing left right hating color skin way dress people love higher power choose believe understand heart ache feel like sad lonely little girl started running dark tunnel towards light greeted punch gut spit face coming end wake every morning live life still go work job make money pay bill light died long time ago hope ember still burn find spark someday existing,tired bitterness,morbid mortician 31,1745,37,morbid mortician 31 bad childhood growing parent addict cared wa addiction grew pretty much raised cared brother grandmother suffered child abuse sexual assault hefty handful mental illness throughout life tired negativity struggled throughout childhood hope thing would better became adult got away lifestyle feel like whole damn world hateful cruel nasty childhood wa wake morning continue go hope world thing ever going get better wake brave bullsh life everywhere look see nothing hate whenever try talk greeted life welcome adulthood tired already tired tough love wrap mind around many people hateful towards people killing left right hating color skin way dress people love higher power choose believe understand heart ache feel like sad lonely little girl started running dark tunnel towards light greeted punch gut spit face coming end wake every morning live life still go work job make money pay bill light died long time ago hope ember still burn find spark someday existing tired bitterness
Imagine hate,"Idk if this is the right place to express this concern. Recently i had a big fight with my bff we said a lot of bad things, in a month it will be his birthday and he is going to invite other friends of him and i am so afraid they will all hate me i mean i can’t blame it i am an awful person",bleublosssom,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdqg1e/imagine_hate/,idk right place express concern recently big fight bff said lot bad thing month birthday going invite friend afraid hate mean blame awful person,imagine hate,bleu b loss som,291,12,bleu b loss som idk right place express concern recently big fight bff said lot bad thing month birthday going invite friend afraid hate mean blame awful person imagine hate
Was feeling depressed but managed my dumbass up and workout,"Title says it all, i did a full upper body workout to cope with the thoughts in my head. Blasting twenty one pilots 🤘

Today was a pretty shit day, i had bad hair the entire day which was shit. And i got home and the voices returned and kept telling me i was piece of shit.

Ive got one question, how do you learn to love yourself?",wizardrz,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdidat/was_feeling_depressed_but_managed_my_dumbass_up/,title say full upper body workout cope thought head blasting twenty one pilot today wa pretty shit day bad hair entire day wa shit got home voice returned kept telling wa piece shit ive got one question learn love,wa feeling depressed managed dumbass workout,wizard rz,331,59,wizard rz title say full upper body workout cope thought head blasting twenty one pilot today wa pretty shit day bad hair entire day wa shit got home voice returned kept telling wa piece shit ive got one question learn love wa feeling depressed managed dumbass workout
Does the world seem strained?,"What is going on?
Most people generally seem to be two or three sentences away from expressing exhaustion. A lot of surface level happiness? Maybe it is just the people around me. 
I have a couple of people I can sort of talk to about this hard life, but I still have  to watch out not to trigger some sort of depression in them right then or down the line. 

Where are the happy people capable of reaching out in a reasonably sustained way?
Has it always been this way?",QruWVFX,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdhius/does_the_world_seem_strained/,going people generally seem two three sentence away expressing exhaustion lot surface level happiness maybe people around couple people sort talk hard life still watch trigger sort depression right line happy people capable reaching reasonably sustained way ha always way,doe world seem strained,qr u wv fx,470,29,qr u wv fx going people generally seem two three sentence away expressing exhaustion lot surface level happiness maybe people around couple people sort talk hard life still watch trigger sort depression right line happy people capable reaching reasonably sustained way ha always way doe world seem strained
I feel like I might end up hurting someone one day,Now I don’t wanna be put on a FBI watch list or anything but  my depression has been getting so bad Iv been getting more and more angry. Having no one to talk to adds on to this anger so I en up just bottling it up and I feel like just one day I may physically hurt someone. I don’t want to believe me but I just feel like that it may happen due to just lack of communication with my feelings.,my_throwaway_acc2,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdkaji/i_feel_like_i_might_end_up_hurting_someone_one_day/,wanna put fbi watch list anything depression ha getting bad iv getting angry one talk add anger en bottling feel like one day may physically hurt someone want believe feel like may happen due lack communication feeling,feel like might end hurting someone one day,throwaway acc 2,393,50,throwaway acc 2 wanna put fbi watch list anything depression ha getting bad iv getting angry one talk add anger en bottling feel like one day may physically hurt someone want believe feel like may happen due lack communication feeling feel like might end hurting someone one day
"I don’t want to kill myself, but life is way worse.","I want to keep going. I want to have things to look forward to. 

But I don’t.

I really don’t want to end it. It seems like the only option right now. Everyone has cut me off, and the few people that have noticed that I am not myself aren’t able to do anything to help me. Just living right now is painful. I have nothing left.

I’m sorry to those that cared about me. I just can’t handle it anymore. 

I’m planning to be gone by the end of the night. I don’t know how or where, but I’m over it.",VeryButtery,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdnh4u/i_dont_want_to_kill_myself_but_life_is_way_worse/,want keep going want thing look forward really want end seems like option right everyone ha cut people noticed able anything help living right painful nothing left sorry cared handle anymore planning gone end night know,want kill life way worse,buttery,496,51,buttery want keep going want thing look forward really want end seems like option right everyone ha cut people noticed able anything help living right painful nothing left sorry cared handle anymore planning gone end night know want kill life way worse
I Still Struggle Admitting I Need Help,"This is kinda a vent; I need to look myself in the mirror for a few minutes and try to restart my downward cycle. If you want to have a conversation, I’m here for it, otherwise nothing to see here haha.

I’ve been so low the past couple weeks I haven’t felt like myself at all. I’ve felt a fair amount of that apathy I read about on this sub often, and it’s scary.

I know the things I need to do in order to overcome this depression - the tools I can reach for. Exercise, nutrition, therapy, group therapy, being open with friends and family, volunteering, strong social connections, medical health, and on and on. The laundry list is long and tough to grapple with all at once. But having a couple of weeks of pure hell makes me realize that I’m really not working on any one of those things strongly. 

What have I done to really move forward in the last year? I feel like I haven’t really reached for any of those huge steps since I started therapy in 2015. I’ve been going for over four years, and it’s been life-changing, but what other healthy steps have I taken? 

Last summer my dental health became overwhelming, something I must take care of. I went back for my first appointment in years. Gradually I took care of my pain and the rot in my mouth was alleviated. I lost a tooth in the process but a huge weight was lifted as well. 

I need some similar weight lifted now, but most of all I want to be able to reach for it. I crave some discipline; the dental work came as a result of time running out as it were, reactive not proactive. I want to be strong enough to work thru this shit at a healthy pace, not leave things go awry for months on end, until a consequence happens. But I suppose in order to get there I have to first admit that I AM weak and I DO need help. I can’t do it all on my own like I tell myself I must. 

I’d really like to get an exercise bike. I can see all the positives: cardio health/body positivity/motivation to hike more/overall getting in shape. For someone healthy, buying a bike (putting in the research, going to stores, asking people for advice) would be doable. Simple tasks like that are fucking hard for me because I’m not healthy.

So how do I get there? Ask my sister to take me shopping one day? This post is a good start: question why I’ve failed in the past and talk through the doable steps, remind myself of the positive outcomes in working thru it. Maybe I need to meditate again: breathe thru the pressure in my chest when I think about going to a bike store or talking to people on Craigslist. 

I wish I could work thru these things easily like a normal person. I guess my win today is admitting I’m broken and depression is at fault. Maybe if I admit that more often I’ll see it’s ok to ask for help and beat myself up less.

I’ve never really lost love for myself because I know I’m a good man. My therapist told me that purpose can be looked at as two halves: BEing and DOing. Right now I’m happy with my self-philosophy and who I am when I’m NOT depressed. That person is good. It’s time to accept that I’m not healthy enough to DO good yet. At least not to the degree that I hope my future holds. It’s hard to reconcile how much depression is holding me back. I hope I can look myself in the mirror this deeply in the next little while and reach for more of that help that I need to pick myself up off the ground. Maybe it can start with the exercise bike.",OutsideitCZ,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdk76f/i_still_struggle_admitting_i_need_help/,kinda vent need look mirror minute try restart downward cycle want conversation otherwise nothing see haha low past couple week felt like felt fair amount apathy read sub often scary know thing need order overcome depression tool reach exercise nutrition therapy group therapy open friend family volunteering strong social connection medical health laundry list long tough grapple couple week pure hell make realize really working one thing strongly done really move forward last year feel like really reached huge step since started therapy 2015 going four year life changing healthy step taken last summer dental health became overwhelming something must take care went back first appointment year gradually took care pain rot mouth wa alleviated lost tooth process huge weight wa lifted well need similar weight lifted want able reach crave discipline dental work came result time running reactive proactive want strong enough work thru shit healthy pace leave thing go awry month end consequence happens suppose order get first admit weak need help like tell must really like get exercise bike see positive cardio health body positivity motivation hike overall getting shape someone healthy buying bike putting research going store asking people advice would doable simple task like fucking hard healthy get ask sister take shopping one day post good start question failed past talk doable step remind positive outcome working thru maybe need meditate breathe thru pressure chest think going bike store talking people craigslist wish could work thru thing easily like normal person guess win today admitting broken depression fault maybe admit often see ok ask help beat le never really lost love know good man therapist told purpose looked two half right happy self philosophy depressed person good time accept healthy enough good yet least degree hope future hold hard reconcile much depression holding back hope look mirror deeply next little reach help need pick ground maybe start exercise bike,still struggle admitting need help,outside itcz,3423,38,outside itcz kinda vent need look mirror minute try restart downward cycle want conversation otherwise nothing see haha low past couple week felt like felt fair amount apathy read sub often scary know thing need order overcome depression tool reach exercise nutrition therapy group therapy open friend family volunteering strong social connection medical health laundry list long tough grapple couple week pure hell make realize really working one thing strongly done really move forward last year feel like really reached huge step since started therapy 2015 going four year life changing healthy step taken last summer dental health became overwhelming something must take care went back first appointment year gradually took care pain rot mouth wa alleviated lost tooth process huge weight wa lifted well need similar weight lifted want able reach crave discipline dental work came result time running reactive proactive want strong enough work thru shit healthy pace leave thing go awry month end consequence happens suppose order get first admit weak need help like tell must really like get exercise bike see positive cardio health body positivity motivation hike overall getting shape someone healthy buying bike putting research going store asking people advice would doable simple task like fucking hard healthy get ask sister take shopping one day post good start question failed past talk doable step remind positive outcome working thru maybe need meditate breathe thru pressure chest think going bike store talking people craigslist wish could work thru thing easily like normal person guess win today admitting broken depression fault maybe admit often see ok ask help beat le never really lost love know good man therapist told purpose looked two half right happy self philosophy depressed person good time accept healthy enough good yet least degree hope future hold hard reconcile much depression holding back hope look mirror deeply next little reach help need pick ground maybe start exercise bike still struggle admitting need help
"I'm about to give in, please help","I broke up with my toxic boyfriend today and he came crying back. He's telling me not to give up on us , but I'm so broken bc of him. I love him so much, but I can't keep taking his shit and I keep telling myself things will get better and he will change. He never does and I know that, but it's so hard for me not to take him back. Please someone help me not give in!😭",ehh_why,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq9ao/im_about_to_give_in_please_help/,broke toxic boyfriend today came cry back telling give u broken bc love much keep taking shit keep telling thing get better change never doe know hard take back please someone help give,give please help,e hh,369,33,e hh broke toxic boyfriend today came cry back telling give u broken bc love much keep taking shit keep telling thing get better change never doe know hard take back please someone help give give please help
I think my brain isn't functioning like it should?,"I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety about two years ago..i was in a bad relationship..
About a year and a half ago, I met a new guy and moved rooms. ( live central London) I can only afford rooms. I haven't used antidepressants for over a year..

I work part time only because I'm self studying because i want to get into uni..

but then i think do I really want to study dentistry.. can I even stand a chance to get into uni. 
I have no friends, only my boyfriend who works part time and goes college.
I'm 22 and just feel like I'm failing.. at everything. I can't interact with people without instantly thinking I'm being judged.. that I'm being mocked or something..
I always overthink, create scenarios in my head that never happened but I think they will, I'm always scared people hate me or are mad at me.. I randomly remember bad memories from my past and just keep thinking about them..
I'm not happy, i honestly don't know what to do with my life.. i just I'm stuck..
i honestly feel like , if I got stabbed and died I'd be relieved..",Mante69,9,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdgo8p/i_think_my_brain_isnt_functioning_like_it_should/,diagnosed depression anxiety two year ago wa bad relationship year half ago met new guy moved room live central london afford room used antidepressant year work part time self studying want get uni think really want study dentistry even stand chance get uni friend boyfriend work part time go college 22 feel like failing everything interact people without instantly thinking judged mocked something always overthink create scenario head never happened think always scared people hate mad randomly remember bad memory past keep thinking happy honestly know life stuck honestly feel like got stabbed died relieved,think brain functioning like,man te 69,1057,50,man te 69 diagnosed depression anxiety two year ago wa bad relationship year half ago met new guy moved room live central london afford room used antidepressant year work part time self studying want get uni think really want study dentistry even stand chance get uni friend boyfriend work part time go college 22 feel like failing everything interact people without instantly thinking judged mocked something always overthink create scenario head never happened think always scared people hate mad randomly remember bad memory past keep thinking happy honestly know life stuck honestly feel like got stabbed died relieved think brain functioning like
Quit my job today because i suck and its embarassing to be depended on when i cant properly perform.,"I had a line cook job for two weeks after being unemployed for 9 months. They hired me at $14 an hour which is nice, though I wasnt any good at all. I tell them everyday how i suck or when food is sent back to be up cooked or refired i tell them sorry im retarded or sorry im actually useless and stupid. Today i no call no showed and bought beer and will drink myself to sleep tonight. They deserve a better cook one who doesnt suck and can move food through the window without upcooks. I feel bad that they payed me $14 hr when im clearly not good enough to make that much. Im gonna call n tell them tomorrow that they deserve better than what ive got to offer. I suck at everything i try which is why i sold all my video games and instruments. I just wish everyday that id never been put here on this rock to be so mediocre and useless. Im a fucking useless loser who will never amount to shit.",SuperDuperPewper,5,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdlixz/quit_my_job_today_because_i_suck_and_its/,line cook job two week unemployed 9 month hired 14 hour nice though wasnt good tell everyday suck food sent back cooked refired tell sorry im retarded sorry im actually useless stupid today call showed bought beer drink sleep tonight deserve better cook one doesnt suck move food window without upcooks feel bad payed 14 hr im clearly good enough make much im gonna call n tell tomorrow deserve better ive got offer suck everything try sold video game instrument wish everyday id never put rock mediocre useless im fucking useless loser never amount shit,quit job today suck embarassing depended cant properly perform,super du per pew per,897,100,super du per pew per line cook job two week unemployed 9 month hired 14 hour nice though wasnt good tell everyday suck food sent back cooked refired tell sorry im retarded sorry im actually useless stupid today call showed bought beer drink sleep tonight deserve better cook one doesnt suck move food window without upcooks feel bad payed 14 hr im clearly good enough make much im gonna call n tell tomorrow deserve better ive got offer suck everything try sold video game instrument wish everyday id never put rock mediocre useless im fucking useless loser never amount shit quit job today suck embarassing depended cant properly perform
How do I unisolate myself when I have the energy to do nothing?,"Commute, work, commute, sleep. That’s pretty much my life right now. I feel tired every day can’t get anything done in my personal life. I can’t even game or watch anime anymore I’m so damn tired. Couple that with very intense loneliness that I’ve felt my whole life (22M never had a girlfriend) and you have me. I’ve found that throughout my life people just lose interest in me and always end up leaving. It’s always just a matter of time.. I mean it’s understandable as all I do is sleep and work I guess. Honestly I can’t take it anymore I just want something to change, whatever the hell it may be. I want to feel connected with someone... I want all these things that I can’t have because I just can’t bring myself to get them",polyolefin,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdk3bx/how_do_i_unisolate_myself_when_i_have_the_energy/,commute work commute sleep pretty much life right feel tired every day get anything done personal life even game watch anime anymore damn tired couple intense loneliness felt whole life 22m never girlfriend found throughout life people lose interest always end leaving always matter time mean understandable sleep work guess honestly take anymore want something change whatever hell may want feel connected someone want thing bring get,unisolate energy nothing,poly olefin,732,63,poly olefin commute work commute sleep pretty much life right feel tired every day get anything done personal life even game watch anime anymore damn tired couple intense loneliness felt whole life 22m never girlfriend found throughout life people lose interest always end leaving always matter time mean understandable sleep work guess honestly take anymore want something change whatever hell may want feel connected someone want thing bring get unisolate energy nothing
"This is all too much for me today, I want to disappear for a while","I've struggled with major depressive disorder for years now, I was officially diagnosed in 2016 but I know I had it for about 5 years before that at least. I've had a suicide attempt (right before officially being diagnosed) and since have had ups and downs... the downs happen about every other year.

Tonight I'm sitting at work, wanting to run away, cry, and hide. I've been doing fairly good lately but I just received life changing news a few nights ago, and I am not ready for this change.

I told my SO exactly how I feel and what I want (well maybe I should say don't want), which was relieving and helped me feel better for a few minutes but now I'm back to stressed out and wanting to cry. I'm worried he secretly hates that I don't want the change. Will he break up with me even though we are engaged and haven't had any issues? I hope not.. he always tells me he wants me to be honest with him and not keep things from him, so I'm trying to be open/honest but I know he doesn't enjoy hearing my honest opinions and feelings at times.

How can you bring a child into the world though when both parents would be in debt, one is jobless, we aren't even married yet, I struggle with my mental health/anxiety regarding everything about having a kid even all the crap before they are born, and one parent is a registered sex offender still on probation???

I can't do this. I was hopeful for the first couple of days... but then i started considering more about our situation and how we are NOT ready. I haven't tols many people at all, but I told him today if I can't abort it then I want to seriously give it up for adoption. I just can't. 

Call me irresponsible for not being more careful. I try to have the mentality of ""everything happens for a reason"" but I can feel myself falling apart mentally. Work helps distract me to a degree but there is a lot of downtime tonight and I keep ruminating and feeling down. I'm also pretty sure I'm too far along to get an abortion and it isn't like we can afford it anyway. FML :( :( :(

Tl;dr feeling depressed because I found out I'm expecting and I am in pre-freakout mode.",dragons2cool,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn7w4/this_is_all_too_much_for_me_today_i_want_to/,struggled major depressive disorder year wa officially diagnosed 2016 know 5 year least suicide attempt right officially diagnosed since ups happen every year tonight sitting work wanting run away cry hide fairly good lately received life changing news night ago ready change told exactly feel want well maybe say want wa relieving helped feel better minute back stressed wanting cry worried secretly hate want change break even though engaged issue hope always tell want honest keep thing trying open honest know enjoy hearing honest opinion feeling time bring child world though parent would debt one jobless even married yet struggle mental health anxiety regarding everything kid even crap born one parent registered sex offender still probation wa hopeful first couple day started considering situation ready tols many people told today abort want seriously give adoption call irresponsible careful try mentality everything happens reason feel falling apart mentally work help distract degree lot downtime tonight keep ruminating feeling also pretty sure far along get abortion like afford anyway fml tl dr feeling depressed found expecting pre freakout mode,much today want disappear,dragon 2 cool,2128,66,dragon 2 cool struggled major depressive disorder year wa officially diagnosed 2016 know 5 year least suicide attempt right officially diagnosed since ups happen every year tonight sitting work wanting run away cry hide fairly good lately received life changing news night ago ready change told exactly feel want well maybe say want wa relieving helped feel better minute back stressed wanting cry worried secretly hate want change break even though engaged issue hope always tell want honest keep thing trying open honest know enjoy hearing honest opinion feeling time bring child world though parent would debt one jobless even married yet struggle mental health anxiety regarding everything kid even crap born one parent registered sex offender still probation wa hopeful first couple day started considering situation ready tols many people told today abort want seriously give adoption call irresponsible careful try mentality everything happens reason feel falling apart mentally work help distract degree lot downtime tonight keep ruminating feeling also pretty sure far along get abortion like afford anyway fml tl dr feeling depressed found expecting pre freakout mode much today want disappear
Can't seem to catch a break,"Just as my month long problem was slowly coming to an end and thing's were looking somewhat up for me more stress and worry has been thrown at me.   


After a month of stressing over getting back into my main group of friends who decided some separation would benefit everyone I learn that I was likely not going to be welcomed back...least not by the few members who genuinely didn't like me. My closest friend had a heart to heart with me about it and even though it still hurts losing the only place I felt I could relax and enjoy myself I was starting to let it go now that I knew I didn't have to worry about coming back. Still have some hangups about it all but again it was all getting better.  


Then I dont here from my Girlfriend for 3 days, finally getting a message from her the day after my birthday with her saying she's dealing with stuff and that none of its my fault and that I didnt do anything. She wont talk to me about it whatever it is and I know its bad cause she isn't acting like herself. Part of me is afraid it has to do with me but isn't my fault. I talked with a close friend and I was able to regain some of my reasoning to eventually tell her that until she wants to talk with me I'll leave her be and give her space to think. But it's still a bit disheartening that she doesn't say I love you back...its been 2 insistence and the second time she just said ""You Too"" so maybe she's just distracted by her thoughts and forgot.   


This year has been the saddest year of all for me, I wont say depressing cause I haven't been diagnosed, and I'm just hoping these feelings go away cause I'm not myself and that annoys me to no end. I'm the guy who helps others, talks them through their issues, makes people laugh, makes others happy. I'm not the sad, whimpering, insecure, paranoid guy I'm acting like...  


But thats all I guess I have to say...thank you all for listening.",Lucas_Aubergine,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn7l1/cant_seem_to_catch_a_break/,month long problem wa slowly coming end thing looking somewhat stress worry ha thrown month stressing getting back main group friend decided separation would benefit everyone learn wa likely going welcomed back least member genuinely like closest friend heart heart even though still hurt losing place felt could relax enjoy wa starting let go knew worry coming back still hangups wa getting better dont girlfriend 3 day finally getting message day birthday saying dealing stuff none fault didnt anything wont talk whatever know bad cause acting like part afraid ha fault talked close friend wa able regain reasoning eventually tell want talk leave give space think still bit disheartening say love back 2 insistence second time said maybe distracted thought forgot year ha saddest year wont say depressing cause diagnosed hoping feeling go away cause annoys end guy help others talk issue make people laugh make others happy sad whimpering insecure paranoid guy acting like thats guess say thank listening,seem catch break,lucas aubergine,1907,27,lucas aubergine month long problem wa slowly coming end thing looking somewhat stress worry ha thrown month stressing getting back main group friend decided separation would benefit everyone learn wa likely going welcomed back least member genuinely like closest friend heart heart even though still hurt losing place felt could relax enjoy wa starting let go knew worry coming back still hangups wa getting better dont girlfriend 3 day finally getting message day birthday saying dealing stuff none fault didnt anything wont talk whatever know bad cause acting like part afraid ha fault talked close friend wa able regain reasoning eventually tell want talk leave give space think still bit disheartening say love back 2 insistence second time said maybe distracted thought forgot year ha saddest year wont say depressing cause diagnosed hoping feeling go away cause annoys end guy help others talk issue make people laugh make others happy sad whimpering insecure paranoid guy acting like thats guess say thank listening seem catch break
An ode to grief,"I just made a journal entry and I thought I could share it to see if it helps anyone going through grief stages. 

There’s something that happens to a person when a piece of your soul passes away. You realize that you’re in denial all this time. That something you never thought you would want becomes something you realized you pushed away into the ignorant side of your mind so you wouldn’t think about it. So yes, a part of my soul is gone. And I’ve been trying to numb that pain that is beyond any kind of description. I feel like I had something precious that was ripped out of my hands and lit on fire to burn. Something that was alive and part of me burned and I could feel that slow, painful burn. Like watching someone you love get tortured by some unknown entity. This results in the stages of grief.... there’s denial. Which I already had since I was a child. I grew up in ignorant bliss. Not wanting to acknowledge what I knew was true. 
The there was anger. This nasty creature that you create to get back at whatever hurt you. And it will literally drive you mad. Crazy, trying to show others how much someone hurt you. Trying to find something called “closure” ( which by the way is the only fairytale or myth that you will ever hear. Closure is the only thing in the world that is impossible). Now you’re stuck in this miserable monster. You wonder how you’ll escape alive and some never do. I’m sorry for the ones who were the center of my anger and unclearity. You did not deserve what I gave you from my period of grief.
Then you bargain. For the sake of whatever sanity you may have left. You bargain for hope, freedom, and whatever else that you have. It’s not a lot. But regardless you bargain just the same. You try to find people who will help and love you unconditionally. Then you realize that they can’t enable the grief anymore than you can. You’re left alone again. Wondering who the hell you have become because it just isn’t you anymore. You’ve become this sad and hopeless mess of a person. The people you love love you so much they can’t take your struggling any more that you can. That’s when your soul dies a little more.
Then there is depression. That’s there through y’all of the stages. That feeling of NO motivation. No life. It’s an empty void but filled with all the feeling mentioned prior. Depression makes you remember your not the only one. You are made of many sad and hurting people who just want some sort of clarity. They just question every day “ why? What can I do? Why am I feeling these things.” This makes you wonder if your feelings are even ok to feel. 
Supposedly, there is acceptance.... I have not gotten there yet. Most with depression haven’t. Good luck to all of us. This is that bridge that we have not crossed and some (myself) are very afraid to cross it. It means that we will be ok. And sometimes that’s really scary because we don’t always know how to feel ok anymore. We have the beautiful loved ones that have been there no matter what. They want our success and happiness. A deep part of our soul wants that too.... the part that is still alive. We forget that part don’t we? My beautiful friends. There is a soul in our bodies. One that has not been ripped away. One that cannot be taken from an ugly thing such as grief. Every day that we are here. Together. Let’s reach out to the part of our soul that has survived. And let us remember that we are more than our grief and suffering.

Just expressing feelings and open to input.",sweetdreamzzz,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn6yr/an_ode_to_grief/,made journal entry thought could share see help anyone going grief stage something happens person piece soul pass away realize denial time something never thought would want becomes something realized pushed away ignorant side mind think yes part soul gone trying numb pain beyond kind description feel like something precious wa ripped hand lit fire burn something wa alive part burned could feel slow painful burn like watching someone love get tortured unknown entity result stage grief denial already since wa child grew ignorant bliss wanting acknowledge knew wa true wa anger nasty creature create get back whatever hurt literally drive mad crazy trying show others much someone hurt trying find something called closure way fairytale myth ever hear closure thing world impossible stuck miserable monster wonder escape alive never sorry one center anger unclearity deserve gave period grief bargain sake whatever sanity may left bargain hope freedom whatever else lot regardless bargain try find people help love unconditionally realize enable grief anymore left alone wondering hell become anymore become sad hopeless mess person people love love much take struggling soul dy little depression stage feeling motivation life empty void filled feeling mentioned prior depression make remember one made many sad hurting people want sort clarity question every day feeling thing make wonder feeling even ok feel supposedly acceptance gotten yet depression good luck u bridge crossed afraid cross mean ok sometimes really scary always know feel ok anymore beautiful loved one matter want success happiness deep part soul want part still alive forget part beautiful friend soul body one ha ripped away one cannot taken ugly thing grief every day together let reach part soul ha survived let u remember grief suffering expressing feeling open input,ode grief,sweet dream zzz,3502,15,sweet dream zzz made journal entry thought could share see help anyone going grief stage something happens person piece soul pass away realize denial time something never thought would want becomes something realized pushed away ignorant side mind think yes part soul gone trying numb pain beyond kind description feel like something precious wa ripped hand lit fire burn something wa alive part burned could feel slow painful burn like watching someone love get tortured unknown entity result stage grief denial already since wa child grew ignorant bliss wanting acknowledge knew wa true wa anger nasty creature create get back whatever hurt literally drive mad crazy trying show others much someone hurt trying find something called closure way fairytale myth ever hear closure thing world impossible stuck miserable monster wonder escape alive never sorry one center anger unclearity deserve gave period grief bargain sake whatever sanity may left bargain hope freedom whatever else lot regardless bargain try find people help love unconditionally realize enable grief anymore left alone wondering hell become anymore become sad hopeless mess person people love love much take struggling soul dy little depression stage feeling motivation life empty void filled feeling mentioned prior depression make remember one made many sad hurting people want sort clarity question every day feeling thing make wonder feeling even ok feel supposedly acceptance gotten yet depression good luck u bridge crossed afraid cross mean ok sometimes really scary always know feel ok anymore beautiful loved one matter want success happiness deep part soul want part still alive forget part beautiful friend soul body one ha ripped away one cannot taken ugly thing grief every day together let reach part soul ha survived let u remember grief suffering expressing feeling open input ode grief
First session with new counsellor and it was... weird,"Ok so while this is definitely not my first time going to counseling, this was the first meeting with a new counsellor. It was set up through my work's EAP service, which I've used before with limited success. 

Anyway, I had my first session this week and it was weird. First of all, it was in a very unconventional location. It was in an office (I mean literally a room with a desk and some office chairs), inside an organization not typically known for mental health services. So that was weird and it took me a while to get comfortable enough to start talking. 

Since this was the first session, most of it was just me explaining what was going on in my life and why I'm there. Anyway, near the end she remarked that I was a fascinating person and she really wants to talk to me more. That's my first time hearing that, especially from a professional. Then she asked me if I was familiar with the mbti, to which I replied I am not a fan. She also suggested I check out metaphysics because it might help me or something. 

I Dunno , I walked out of there feeling strange. On one hand, the counselor was nice and all, but on the other hand, certain things made me a bit uncomfortable. 

Anybody else have any similar experiences? Should I stick with it or find someone else?",robertshasto,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq2kl/first_session_with_new_counsellor_and_it_was_weird/,ok definitely first time going counseling wa first meeting new counsellor wa set work eap service used limited success anyway first session week wa weird first wa unconventional location wa office mean literally room desk office chair inside organization typically known mental health service wa weird took get comfortable enough start talking since wa first session wa explaining wa going life anyway near end remarked wa fascinating person really want talk first time hearing especially professional asked wa familiar mbti replied fan also suggested check metaphysics might help something dunno walked feeling strange one hand counselor wa nice hand certain thing made bit uncomfortable anybody else similar experience stick find someone else,first session new counsellor wa weird,robert ha,1277,53,robert ha ok definitely first time going counseling wa first meeting new counsellor wa set work eap service used limited success anyway first session week wa weird first wa unconventional location wa office mean literally room desk office chair inside organization typically known mental health service wa weird took get comfortable enough start talking since wa first session wa explaining wa going life anyway near end remarked wa fascinating person really want talk first time hearing especially professional asked wa familiar mbti replied fan also suggested check metaphysics might help something dunno walked feeling strange one hand counselor wa nice hand certain thing made bit uncomfortable anybody else similar experience stick find someone else first session new counsellor wa weird
how do you regain self-worth,"throwaway:)

As the title says, I am a very insecure person. I have grown up with parents who gave little affection to me and a narcissistic father who has crushed any self worth I have. Throughout middle and high school, I was popular but at the same time, I was never anyone's favorite person. I thought it was because I never had freedom or a phone during those times. I managed to escape and go to school away from my parents in college, but if anything, I have become even worse. I am so desperately afraid of losing the friends that I have made, in particular, someone who is the FIRST person in my life to have feelings for me. He knows me like the back of my hand, but now that we are doing long distance, it's naturally just harder and sometimes I come off as insecure when I ask him things. Most of the time, he is the only one I talk to about many things such as my parents which many don't understand. I just really don't want to lose him and he has said that he is tired of me being insecure, but I am naturally just not that special or pretty or smart and I can't help it. I wasn't like this when I met him, but I can't stop thinking about how he's going to find someone infinitely better when he starts his new job soon and never look at me again.

I am in college so I have little time for hobbies but I still read and work out in my free time. Most of the time I am studying, but I barely get by in school and can't land an internship for the summer.

Please give me some advice. I don't want to spiral",AlarmedAlgae,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdq29f/how_do_you_regain_selfworth/,throwaway title say insecure person grown parent gave little affection narcissistic father ha crushed self worth throughout middle high school wa popular time wa never anyone favorite person thought wa never freedom phone time managed escape go school away parent college anything become even worse desperately afraid losing friend made particular someone first person life feeling know like back hand long distance naturally harder sometimes come insecure ask thing time one talk many thing parent many understand really want lose ha said tired insecure naturally special pretty smart help like met stop thinking going find someone infinitely better start new job soon never look college little time hobby still read work free time time studying barely get school land internship summer please give advice want spiral,regain self worth,alarmed algae,1519,28,alarmed algae throwaway title say insecure person grown parent gave little affection narcissistic father ha crushed self worth throughout middle high school wa popular time wa never anyone favorite person thought wa never freedom phone time managed escape go school away parent college anything become even worse desperately afraid losing friend made particular someone first person life feeling know like back hand long distance naturally harder sometimes come insecure ask thing time one talk many thing parent many understand really want lose ha said tired insecure naturally special pretty smart help like met stop thinking going find someone infinitely better start new job soon never look college little time hobby still read work free time time studying barely get school land internship summer please give advice want spiral regain self worth
Resigned from my paid internship today. I'm worried about the immediate future.,"I felt too overwhelmed balancing graduate-level schoolwork and a paid internship, and I felt like I wasn't getting as much done as I would have liked, wasting a lot of time. So I asked my advisor via email if I could end my contract early, for the research position I was given. 

He accepted the resignation, but I've been nervous bringing it up for weeks now. I was worried because I've been coming in late or on some days not at all. My depression is getting worse, and I feel like my antidepressant dosage is too low to be effective. I'm not sure which is a bigger black mark on my resume/needing a future recommendation for a job: not showing up to work because I'm having a depressive episode, or ending the internship to spare them from further episodes. 

It's the first time I've been employed as a STEM major, and I've completely messed it up. I only have rent money left and then, who knows. I feel so shitty and small, and mostly stupid. I can't possibly say that I've changed my mind now, it'll look too odd after all the rigamarole I went through trying to quit, emailing various advisors and internship coordinators. 

I'm so tired, and my boyfriend thinks that I've shot myself in the foot and yelled in disbelief. ""I don't know how to make it better,"" he said. 

I just don't know what to do. And I'm not sure what's more screwed up now, my financial status or my career path when grad school is over.",crashboxer1678,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdn6bj/resigned_from_my_paid_internship_today_im_worried/,felt overwhelmed balancing graduate level schoolwork paid internship felt like getting much done would liked wasting lot time asked advisor via email could end contract early research position wa given accepted resignation nervous bringing week wa worried coming late day depression getting worse feel like antidepressant dosage low effective sure bigger black mark resume needing future recommendation job showing work depressive episode ending internship spare episode first time employed stem major completely messed rent money left know feel shitty small mostly stupid possibly say changed mind look odd rigamarole went trying quit emailing various advisor internship coordinator tired boyfriend think shot foot yelled disbelief know make better said know sure screwed financial status career path grad school,resigned paid internship today worried immediate future,crash boxer 1678,1418,79,crash boxer 1678 felt overwhelmed balancing graduate level schoolwork paid internship felt like getting much done would liked wasting lot time asked advisor via email could end contract early research position wa given accepted resignation nervous bringing week wa worried coming late day depression getting worse feel like antidepressant dosage low effective sure bigger black mark resume needing future recommendation job showing work depressive episode ending internship spare episode first time employed stem major completely messed rent money left know feel shitty small mostly stupid possibly say changed mind look odd rigamarole went trying quit emailing various advisor internship coordinator tired boyfriend think shot foot yelled disbelief know make better said know sure screwed financial status career path grad school resigned paid internship today worried immediate future
Some part of me craves depression,"I know it's late, but I fell into a pool of depression and I realize it now, and I don't know how to get out . Right now its weird but I almost have this part of me wanting to stay depressed and I don't know why. Maybe you would know what I could do?",ohmygreg,10,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdjtui/some_part_of_me_craves_depression/,know late fell pool depression realize know get right weird almost part wanting stay depressed know maybe would know could,part craves depression,oh greg,250,33,oh greg know late fell pool depression realize know get right weird almost part wanting stay depressed know maybe would know could part craves depression
:(,I feel so bad I really got my hopes up today then nothing happened I'm in love with this girl. She's in love with someone else. All I wanna do is die. I'm crying right now.,lIlFlashIlI,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdjtnl/_/,feel bad really got hope today nothing happened love girl love someone else wanna die cry right,,lil flash ili,172,2,lil flash ili feel bad really got hope today nothing happened love girl love someone else wanna die cry right 
I don't want to work hard,"I just don't. I feel so empty whenever I think about quitting playing videogames and smoking weed. I feel so, so burdened by having to learn things and develop skills. This is why I can't go back to school, because to be successful in school I'd have to start practicing a lot of new skills. I hate practicing skills. I hate practicing writing. I hate reading just for the sake of reading and self improvement. 

I don't care if I technically get better at stuff. It doesn't make me feel any better and it's actually a cause of suffering for me. Learning new things and going out of my way to practice skills is so un-enticing to me, that I legitimately believe my life has no hope and I'd rather be dead. There is no reward. No reward can give me back the time I lose to working diligently at something. And everything is so fucking boring. Knowing that I have to suck it up and literally CHOOSE to like things like hard work just make me want to go on a killing spree. It feels like a grave injustice. It's too late for me. I've played the videogames. I've smoked the weed. For years. I no longer reap ANY pleasure from hard work, from building connections, from sitting and reading, from studying; all this shit does is make me agitated and bored, but also hopeless, because there is no hope for me. There's no hope because I DO NOT WANT TO WORK. And I'm not talking about a fucking job. I'm talking about fucking EVERYTHING. I don't want to solve challenges in my life. No matter how hard I work anyways, nothing comes ANY fucking easier. Absolutely NOTHING. Not physically writing, not physically walking, not physically talking, none of it ever becomes second nature. I'm fucked. I just want to smoke and die.",MrMoonlight4,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpydm/i_dont_want_to_work_hard/,feel empty whenever think quitting playing videogames smoking weed feel burdened learn thing develop skill go back school successful school start practicing lot new skill hate practicing skill hate practicing writing hate reading sake reading self improvement care technically get better stuff make feel better actually cause suffering learning new thing going way practice skill un enticing legitimately believe life ha hope rather dead reward reward give back time lose working diligently something everything fucking boring knowing suck literally choose like thing like hard work make want go killing spree feel like grave injustice late played videogames smoked weed year longer reap pleasure hard work building connection sitting reading studying shit doe make agitated bored also hopeless hope hope want work talking fucking job talking fucking everything want solve challenge life matter hard work anyways nothing come fucking easier absolutely nothing physically writing physically walking physically talking none ever becomes second nature fucked want smoke die,want work hard,mr moonlight 4,1715,25,mr moonlight 4 feel empty whenever think quitting playing videogames smoking weed feel burdened learn thing develop skill go back school successful school start practicing lot new skill hate practicing skill hate practicing writing hate reading sake reading self improvement care technically get better stuff make feel better actually cause suffering learning new thing going way practice skill un enticing legitimately believe life ha hope rather dead reward reward give back time lose working diligently something everything fucking boring knowing suck literally choose like thing like hard work make want go killing spree feel like grave injustice late played videogames smoked weed year longer reap pleasure hard work building connection sitting reading studying shit doe make agitated bored also hopeless hope hope want work talking fucking job talking fucking everything want solve challenge life matter hard work anyways nothing come fucking easier absolutely nothing physically writing physically walking physically talking none ever becomes second nature fucked want smoke die want work hard
Need advice,"So for the last two years I thought I had depression. A few days ago I was diagnosed with depression. I'm starting to think I don't have depression and I'm just a bitch and I don't know how to tell if that's the case. The weirdest thing is, over the last month I've been increasingly feeling well. My life is shit becausd I missed lits of school and so I worry a lot, but that's normal. Other than that I feel.. fine. I don't feel depressed. Could it be that this is temporary or does this mean I don't have depression. The other thing is I was given pills but the thing is I don't want to take pills that might fuck me if I'm feeling ok atm. Advice?????? I need to make some decisions fast",lio1122,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdl6ao/need_advice/,last two year thought depression day ago wa diagnosed depression starting think depression bitch know tell case weirdest thing last month increasingly feeling well life shit becausd missed lit school worry lot normal feel fine feel depressed could temporary doe mean depression thing wa given pill thing want take pill might fuck feeling ok atm advice need make decision fast,need advice,lio 1122,690,11,lio 1122 last two year thought depression day ago wa diagnosed depression starting think depression bitch know tell case weirdest thing last month increasingly feeling well life shit becausd missed lit school worry lot normal feel fine feel depressed could temporary doe mean depression thing wa given pill thing want take pill might fuck feeling ok atm advice need make decision fast need advice
Here,"When my ego dies, will it take me with it?

It's a selfish creature. It needs to be the best. It needs to be important. It needs people to agree with it. It throws tantrums. It lashes out when it's made to feel small. It thrives when it elevates itself above others. It thrives when it acts as if I am its personal chariot. It beats me down, demanding more than I could ever give. It piles on while I lie on the floor. It lives in a fantasy world full of delusion and self importance. But I withstand. I persist. It's all I know. It hurts. I suffer at its hands. I'm blinded. I was blinded. Now I see. Its time has passed. Once it goes, I can live without imagined fear. Once it's gone, I can truly live. Tonight I go deeper. Tonight it howls in pain. Only the void listens. Tonight I will cry, but I won't turn. Tonight is the night my ego will die. Putting you out of your misery. Tomorrow I'll awake, but  you'll no longer be here. I won't miss you.",beauTeeEdur,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpwwk/here/,ego dy take selfish creature need best need important need people agree throw tantrum lash made feel small thrives elevates others thrives act personal chariot beat demanding could ever give pile lie floor life fantasy world full delusion self importance withstand persist know hurt suffer hand blinded wa blinded see time ha passed go live without imagined fear gone truly live tonight go deeper tonight howl pain void listens tonight cry turn tonight night ego die putting misery tomorrow awake longer miss,,aut eee dur,952,4,aut eee dur ego dy take selfish creature need best need important need people agree throw tantrum lash made feel small thrives elevates others thrives act personal chariot beat demanding could ever give pile lie floor life fantasy world full delusion self importance withstand persist know hurt suffer hand blinded wa blinded see time ha passed go live without imagined fear gone truly live tonight go deeper tonight howl pain void listens tonight cry turn tonight night ego die putting misery tomorrow awake longer miss 
My own family pities me,Everyone thinks im a joke,MajiKoju,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpw6h/my_own_family_pities_me/,everyone think im joke,family pity,maj ko ju,25,23,maj ko ju everyone think im joke family pity
"""seek help""","Called my friends. They're all too busy
Called my family. They're all too busy

Nobody can be here for me.
Just feel like shit and need a fucking hug.

Hug my pillow and hope tomorrow is better",freshggg,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpup1/seek_help/,called friend busy called family busy nobody feel like shit need fucking hug hug pillow hope tomorrow better,seek help,fresh gg g,193,11,fresh gg g called friend busy called family busy nobody feel like shit need fucking hug hug pillow hope tomorrow better seek help
"I've been incredibly lethargic/achy today and have spent the majority of it laying on the couch. But, I've also had 2 cats and a dog sleeping alongside me.","They're scattered around my body on the couch. All three are laying here now, peacefully asleep. It's been much more bearable with them here.

I feel so sick, but I need to get up and try to start dinner for the family I'm staying at while I recuperate. They're all gone for another hour, but I don't want them to come home to nothing. I just need to cut up four vegetables...wish me luck.",honeybee_hive,4,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdl1ky/ive_been_incredibly_lethargicachy_today_and_have/,scattered around body couch three laying peacefully asleep much bearable feel sick need get try start dinner family staying recuperate gone another hour want come home nothing need cut four vegetable wish luck,incredibly lethargic achy today spent majority laying couch also 2 cat dog sleeping alongside,honeybee hive,389,155,honeybee hive scattered around body couch three laying peacefully asleep much bearable feel sick need get try start dinner family staying recuperate gone another hour want come home nothing need cut four vegetable wish luck incredibly lethargic achy today spent majority laying couch also 2 cat dog sleeping alongside
Rollercoaster.,Yesterday I was having such a great clear headed day. I was genuinely happy and having a good time just going out and about. Today. I woke up. Skipped class. Glued to my bed for 5 hours. Finally managed to get up and make a sandwich.  I need to go to the gym more than anything but. I just can’t. So I’m back in bed. I’m so down but no particular reason. Just anxious as hell and hopeless. I have loads of school work I need to be doing but I cannot bring myself to begin. I’m just overwhelmed. I’ve lost my spunk,crispydill,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdjlb6/rollercoaster/,yesterday wa great clear headed day wa genuinely happy good time going today woke skipped class glued bed 5 hour finally managed get make sandwich need go gym anything back bed particular reason anxious hell hopeless load school work need cannot bring begin overwhelmed lost spunk,rollercoaster,crispy dill,513,14,crispy dill yesterday wa great clear headed day wa genuinely happy good time going today woke skipped class glued bed 5 hour finally managed get make sandwich need go gym anything back bed particular reason anxious hell hopeless load school work need cannot bring begin overwhelmed lost spunk rollercoaster
I just quit my job. Very bittersweet.,"This job has been such a horrible thing for my anxiety and depression. It was just wayy too intense for me. So I finally quit after 5 months. 

It's bittersweet. I can't imagine not having to deal with all the shit I was dealing with. It was on my mind day and night. It's one of those jobs that really imbues with your personality and becomes part of you. I feel like every other job after this will seem like a piece of cake. I also quit to deal with my mental health. But now I'm going to have my family breathing down my neck. Half of them don't even believe in mental problems. My mom insists I have no problems and that I overthink. 

Sigh.. yep. Anyway. Woo!!",SpookDaddy-,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdjkwe/i_just_quit_my_job_very_bittersweet/,job ha horrible thing anxiety depression wa wayy intense finally quit 5 month bittersweet imagine deal shit wa dealing wa mind day night one job really imbues personality becomes part feel like every job seem like piece cake also quit deal mental health going family breathing neck half even believe mental problem mom insists problem overthink sigh yep anyway woo,quit job bittersweet,spook daddy,666,37,spook daddy job ha horrible thing anxiety depression wa wayy intense finally quit 5 month bittersweet imagine deal shit wa dealing wa mind day night one job really imbues personality becomes part feel like every job seem like piece cake also quit deal mental health going family breathing neck half even believe mental problem mom insists problem overthink sigh yep anyway woo quit job bittersweet
I'm getting so tired,"It's nothing but suicidal thoughts anymore. I could use a rope, or pills, and I know where my mom's gun is. I just can't take this anymore. It's been 13 years, and I was hoping it'd be done or better by now, but it's just getting worse. Not an hour goes by I don't think of it. I'm missing work because I just can't be bothered, I don't have health insurance so I've been off medications for about 2 years, I just can't handle this anymore. It sucks and I don't want it to continue. Weed helped for a while, but then it stopped helping. I just can't handle this anymore",DigitK,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpt4a/im_getting_so_tired/,nothing suicidal thought anymore could use rope pill know mom gun take anymore 13 year wa hoping done better getting worse hour go think missing work bothered health insurance medication 2 year handle anymore suck want continue weed helped stopped helping handle anymore,getting tired,digit k,569,20,digit k nothing suicidal thought anymore could use rope pill know mom gun take anymore 13 year wa hoping done better getting worse hour go think missing work bothered health insurance medication 2 year handle anymore suck want continue weed helped stopped helping handle anymore getting tired
Same shit as everything else in this sub,"I have been having more and more chest pains while I have a heart condition. I’ve been to the ER for it before but at this point as much as I want to live I don’t think I’ll ever be happy living. The more I’ve been thinking more about the world and people the more I realize how little control we have. We are attracted to people because that’s who our environment and biology tells us to be attracted to, we do actions based on the same two things. As you can probably tell I’m a hard determinist. I don’t believe anyone is special, I don’t believe in love. Most days I have slivers of happiness but those slivers are over come with feelings of extreme loneliness. When I say slivers I mean a second or two followed by a dive into the abyss of sadness. Anyone I think I actually connect to leaves. I don’t blame them either. I’m talking to this women who tells me that kissing for her is not cheating. I tried to understand why I would feel bad if someone I was with kisses someone else, is it my insecurity, is it my fear they will leave (under the umbrella of insecurity, I realize) idk. She tells me each connection you have is special but I’m thinking if they’re all special, then, none of them are. And if this connection was so special why would the person sever it. I mean there might be a multitude of reasons but at the end of the day it becomes as if that “special” person doesn’t exist anymore. But, if y’all do manage to keep talking how does one person not feel the pain. I guess you both have to be in healthy relationships on your own (that could end at any moment) and have to not depend on a relationship. Isn’t our end goal to produce viable offspring though. So wouldn’t we be working, looking good, exercising all to make us an appealing mate. Is there any authenticity if you have no control over the people you bond with and they don’t either. Is their anyone special out there to face the cruel oblivion with or are we, more so am I, destined to feel alone for the rest of my life. Ugh I hate this, I feel like shit and lonely but logic my way out of it but still feel like fucking garbage :( if we meet someone special shouldn’t that be enough to make us happy, since some people never feel that. So we should be happy for being lucky, I mean I guess. Jesus, why can’t I just be happy

There is so much more I want to say but this is already too long for no one to read",DrManinsky,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdprrb/same_shit_as_everything_else_in_this_sub/,chest pain heart condition er point much want live think ever happy living thinking world people realize little control attracted people environment biology tell u attracted action based two thing probably tell hard determinist believe anyone special believe love day sliver happiness sliver come feeling extreme loneliness say sliver mean second two followed dive abyss sadness anyone think actually connect leaf blame either talking woman tell kissing cheating tried understand would feel bad someone wa kiss someone else insecurity fear leave umbrella insecurity realize idk tell connection special thinking special none connection wa special would person sever mean might multitude reason end day becomes special person exist anymore manage keep talking doe one person feel pain guess healthy relationship could end moment depend relationship end goal produce viable offspring though working looking good exercising make u appealing mate authenticity control people bond either anyone special face cruel oblivion destined feel alone rest life ugh hate feel like shit lonely logic way still feel like fucking garbage meet someone special enough make u happy since people never feel happy lucky mean guess jesus happy much want say already long one read,shit everything else sub,dr man sky,2394,40,dr man sky chest pain heart condition er point much want live think ever happy living thinking world people realize little control attracted people environment biology tell u attracted action based two thing probably tell hard determinist believe anyone special believe love day sliver happiness sliver come feeling extreme loneliness say sliver mean second two followed dive abyss sadness anyone think actually connect leaf blame either talking woman tell kissing cheating tried understand would feel bad someone wa kiss someone else insecurity fear leave umbrella insecurity realize idk tell connection special thinking special none connection wa special would person sever mean might multitude reason end day becomes special person exist anymore manage keep talking doe one person feel pain guess healthy relationship could end moment depend relationship end goal produce viable offspring though working looking good exercising make u appealing mate authenticity control people bond either anyone special face cruel oblivion destined feel alone rest life ugh hate feel like shit lonely logic way still feel like fucking garbage meet someone special enough make u happy since people never feel happy lucky mean guess jesus happy much want say already long one read shit everything else sub
[Serious] I'm worried about my friend who's struggling with depression and he can't afford help/no therapist takes his insurance; what to do (Chicago)?,"I live abroad (Netherlands) and I my friend from Chicago is really struggling with depression. I want to do anything I can in order to help him, but I can do only so much from this far, and I feel useless/helpless. He can't afford professional help, yet he wants to and no therapist is taking his insurance. Is there anyone that can give me some advice?",Innsmouth_Resident,6,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdeslv/serious_im_worried_about_my_friend_whos/,live abroad netherlands friend chicago really struggling depression want anything order help much far feel useless helpless afford professional help yet want therapist taking insurance anyone give advice,serious worried friend struggling depression afford help therapist take insurance chicago,inn mouth resident,353,151,inn mouth resident live abroad netherlands friend chicago really struggling depression want anything order help much far feel useless helpless afford professional help yet want therapist taking insurance anyone give advice serious worried friend struggling depression afford help therapist take insurance chicago
Applied to college,I recently applied to college and got accepted. At first I was excited and nervous. Now I don’t have any motivation to go. I’m not excited. I really don’t wanna go and feel like I made a mistake applying. I’m just lost on what to do now.,RadiantAntelope,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdmoyk/applied_to_college/,recently applied college got accepted first wa excited nervous motivation go excited really wanna go feel like made mistake applying lost,applied college,radiant antelope,237,18,radiant antelope recently applied college got accepted first wa excited nervous motivation go excited really wanna go feel like made mistake applying lost applied college
Life is tough,"I don't know if this belongs here and I apologize if it doesn't. This post is meant to be rhetorical. No additional details will be provided and no feedback is required. Just getting some thoughts out of my head in hopes my brain can find a little peace.

Recently I've been dealing with a lot of negativity. I'm in jeopardy of losing my family due to some actions I've taken/decisions I've made. My girlfriend and her two little boys have given my life purpose. Before they became my life I would spend more nights at the bar than not, simply because it was something to do. I didn't do this to pick up chicks or anything, it just was better than sitting at home. If I lose them I don't really know what I would do with my life.

There's a quote from Ernest Hemingway that goes ""Every man has two deaths, when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name.""  I am by no means contemplating suicide or being buried. It got me thinking about completely severing ties with everyone I've ever known and starting life over somewhere else though. Essentially burying the life I've had so far.

How long would it take before my friends and family stop trying to find me? How long before I'm not a daily/weekly/monthly thought on their mind? How long before I'm a distant memory or not a memory at all. Could I even do it? I already go weeks without talking to my parents. Longer without talking to my family. Random amounts of time without talking to friends. There's few people I talk to daily and the only person I can say I talk to daily with 100% certainty is my girlfriend. 

I wonder if I could truly run away from it all and start a new life if the life I have now falls apart. Could I manage to find a new purpose that wouldn't be caught in the shadow of the purpose I feel now?",anon8372627383,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpmwh/life_is_tough/,know belongs apologize post meant rhetorical additional detail provided feedback required getting thought head hope brain find little peace recently dealing lot negativity jeopardy losing family due action taken decision made girlfriend two little boy given life purpose became life would spend night bar simply wa something pick chick anything wa better sitting home lose really know would life quote ernest hemingway go every man ha two death buried ground last time someone say name mean contemplating suicide buried got thinking completely severing tie everyone ever known starting life somewhere else though essentially burying life far long would take friend family stop trying find long daily weekly monthly thought mind long distant memory memory could even already go week without talking parent longer without talking family random amount time without talking friend people talk daily person say talk daily 100 certainty girlfriend wonder could truly run away start new life life fall apart could manage find new purpose caught shadow purpose feel,life tough,8372627383,1801,13,8372627383 know belongs apologize post meant rhetorical additional detail provided feedback required getting thought head hope brain find little peace recently dealing lot negativity jeopardy losing family due action taken decision made girlfriend two little boy given life purpose became life would spend night bar simply wa something pick chick anything wa better sitting home lose really know would life quote ernest hemingway go every man ha two death buried ground last time someone say name mean contemplating suicide buried got thinking completely severing tie everyone ever known starting life somewhere else though essentially burying life far long would take friend family stop trying find long daily weekly monthly thought mind long distant memory memory could even already go week without talking parent longer without talking family random amount time without talking friend people talk daily person say talk daily 100 certainty girlfriend wonder could truly run away start new life life fall apart could manage find new purpose caught shadow purpose feel life tough
Looking to talk to others struggling,"I'm just going out on a limb here, but if anyone wants to talk about what they're going through or how much of a living hell depression is I'd be up for talking to you or forming some sort of support group if anyone's interested. Just post here or let me know. Remember, we're not alone. I'm a 22 year old girl and I've been dealing with this for most of my life.",cloudy_gaze,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpmlm/looking_to_talk_to_others_struggling/,going limb anyone want talk going much living hell depression talking forming sort support group anyone interested post let know remember alone 22 year old girl dealing life,looking talk others struggling,cloudy gaze,363,36,cloudy gaze going limb anyone want talk going much living hell depression talking forming sort support group anyone interested post let know remember alone 22 year old girl dealing life looking talk others struggling
What’s wrong with me?,"When I told my mom I was depressed, she told me she used to have depression too so she gets where I’m coming from. The only thing is, she thinks mine is mild like hers was, but I can’t bring myself to tell her how everyday I think about killing myself. I wish i could somehow be better and go back to being happy, but I know I’m fucked beyond repair. I have no hope in anything and I’m scared of the future because I don’t see myself in it. I need help but I’m so embarrassed to tell anyone I have depression and idk why. I feel like I don’t deserve their help. I should just stay quiet and suffer on my own.",TheGrandMan10,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpln4/whats_wrong_with_me/,told mom wa depressed told used depression get coming thing think mine mild like wa bring tell everyday think killing wish could somehow better go back happy know fucked beyond repair hope anything scared future see need help embarrassed tell anyone depression idk feel like deserve help stay quiet suffer,wrong,grand man 10,608,21,grand man 10 told mom wa depressed told used depression get coming thing think mine mild like wa bring tell everyday think killing wish could somehow better go back happy know fucked beyond repair hope anything scared future see need help embarrassed tell anyone depression idk feel like deserve help stay quiet suffer wrong
Dating While Depressed?,"So to put the question into context so everyone can understand where I'm coming from. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years, really fucked up childhood but some better took me in when I was a preteen so that helped but I still feel everything. Now I've been to therapy a couple times and they helped but that was when my insurance covered it now it doesn't so I don't have a therapist. I'm debating on getting onto some meds and seeing a psychiatrist. Anyways point is can I date if I'm making steps to get better? I'm a 21 ginger virgin male with lots of insecurities and depression doesn't help. In fact I'm worried I have bi polar disorder because my symptoms fall into that category more so than MDD. My point is I constantly feel like any woman can and should do better than me. I have this crippling feeling every time I like a girl I think ""just stop, they can do better leave her alone"" literally ALL my friends are in relationships and I want it so bad. I want what they have but I have little to no experience, the one ego boost I have is I was once told I was the best kisser she's ever met and she been around the block a couple times. I'll be honest I miss her to, she was someone I would've been willing to lose the V to and risk the rejection because she was so nice and one of the most non judgmental people I've ever met and she was a nerd to lol. She moved States for school so our fun was cut short.  Should I try to date? It's really hard for me since I've never been in love and don't know what to look for. I also wanna get the virgin thing outta the way so I'm not one when I'm 40. Fuck society and it's social stigmas, they're impossible not to follow it seems. I just don't see how I can date if I'll have these feelings for a few more years and I don't want to be 30 year old man with no experience either. I feel it's a catch 22.",theghettoginger,11,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdkqnw/dating_while_depressed/,put question context everyone understand coming dealing depression anxiety year really fucked childhood better took wa preteen helped still feel everything therapy couple time helped wa insurance covered therapist debating getting onto med seeing psychiatrist anyways point date making step get better 21 ginger virgin male lot insecurity depression help fact worried bi polar disorder symptom fall category mdd point constantly feel like woman better crippling feeling every time like girl think stop better leave alone literally friend relationship want bad want little experience one ego boost wa told wa best kisser ever met around block couple time honest miss wa someone would willing lose v risk rejection wa nice one non judgmental people ever met wa nerd lol moved state school fun wa cut short try date really hard since never love know look also wanna get virgin thing outta way one 40 fuck society social stigma impossible follow seems see date feeling year want 30 year old man experience either feel catch 22,dating depressed,ghetto ginger,1874,23,ghetto ginger put question context everyone understand coming dealing depression anxiety year really fucked childhood better took wa preteen helped still feel everything therapy couple time helped wa insurance covered therapist debating getting onto med seeing psychiatrist anyways point date making step get better 21 ginger virgin male lot insecurity depression help fact worried bi polar disorder symptom fall category mdd point constantly feel like woman better crippling feeling every time like girl think stop better leave alone literally friend relationship want bad want little experience one ego boost wa told wa best kisser ever met around block couple time honest miss wa someone would willing lose v risk rejection wa nice one non judgmental people ever met wa nerd lol moved state school fun wa cut short try date really hard since never love know look also wanna get virgin thing outta way one 40 fuck society social stigma impossible follow seems see date feeling year want 30 year old man experience either feel catch 22 dating depressed
Need advice on what to do,"No money for professional help, my parents dismiss my feelings and would rather spend on traveling, can't get a job because I would have to leave college. I just want to talk to a psychologist. What can I do???",Emoca2,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpjiw/need_advice_on_what_to_do/,money professional help parent dismiss feeling would rather spend traveling get job would leave college want talk psychologist,need advice,e moca 2,210,25,e moca 2 money professional help parent dismiss feeling would rather spend traveling get job would leave college want talk psychologist need advice
I'm failing as a parent,"I don't know where to start. Everything I do with my child is wrong. My first mistake was having her at 17. She's 2 now and she can't stand being around me. Every time I try to give her attention, she tells me to go away and runs to grandma. She won't even let me be the one to put  her to sleep at night. I do everything I can to try to keep her happy but it's not good enough. She'd rather be at daycare than at home with me; she cries every day when I pick her up. As soon as we get home, she goes straight to grandma and ignores me for the rest of the day. I get angry sometimes and my first reaction is to yell at her when she's having a bad day and I feel like a total piece of garbage afterward. Am I really a worse parent than my abusive mother?",TabithaXX,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpjhz/im_failing_as_a_parent/,know start everything child wrong first mistake wa 17 2 stand around every time try give attention tell go away run grandma even let one put sleep night everything try keep happy good enough rather daycare home cry every day pick soon get home go straight grandma ignores rest day get angry sometimes first reaction yell bad day feel like total piece garbage afterward really worse parent abusive mother,failing parent,tabitha xx,753,23,tabitha xx know start everything child wrong first mistake wa 17 2 stand around every time try give attention tell go away run grandma even let one put sleep night everything try keep happy good enough rather daycare home cry every day pick soon get home go straight grandma ignores rest day get angry sometimes first reaction yell bad day feel like total piece garbage afterward really worse parent abusive mother failing parent
Pramipexole (mirapex) for MDD and bipolar depression - 2 large UK trials,"https://www.fundingawards.nihr.ac.uk/award/16/154/01

https://www.fundingawards.nihr.ac.uk/award/16/127/17",bigb135,1,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdko70/pramipexole_mirapex_for_mdd_and_bipolar/,http www fundingawards nihr ac uk award 16 154 01 http www fundingawards nihr ac uk award 16 127 17,pramipexole mirapex mdd bipolar depression 2 large uk trial,big b 135,106,72,big b 135 http www fundingawards nihr ac uk award 16 154 01 http www fundingawards nihr ac uk award 16 127 17 pramipexole mirapex mdd bipolar depression 2 large uk trial
I’m tired of crying,"I’ve been crying almost every night for almost 2 months now. At first it hurt my eyes from crying so hard but not anymore, now I just feel sick when I cry, I just want a week where I don’t feel like crying",nada_rat,2,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdemgk/im_tired_of_crying/,cry almost every night almost 2 month first hurt eye cry hard anymore feel sick cry want week feel like cry,tired cry,nada rat,205,19,nada rat cry almost every night almost 2 month first hurt eye cry hard anymore feel sick cry want week feel like cry tired cry
Almost 26 and nothing has gotten better.,I'm done with people telling me that things will get better when it clearly won't. I'm still alone as always everyone around me is happy and it's pissing me off hearing that I'll find somebody someday. The friends that I have I haven't seen in along time looking back on it I feel that they were only friends with me to make themselves feel better. It really feels like there is no point no matter how much I workout and stay fit I don't feel HAPPY no matter what hobbies I pick up I still feel empty. And yet everyone keeps telling me to keep TRYING I dont do think I can try any harder. I take meds and I don't feel any better I'm always in a dark place and I'm sick emotionally lying to myself some people are destined to have a crap life and I'm proof of this. I was born a loser and I'll die a loser no amput of self improvement is able to fix that.,BigGreen818,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpi5y/almost_26_and_nothing_has_gotten_better/,done people telling thing get better clearly still alone always everyone around happy pissing hearing find somebody someday friend seen along time looking back feel friend make feel better really feel like point matter much workout stay fit feel happy matter hobby pick still feel empty yet everyone keep telling keep trying dont think try harder take med feel better always dark place sick emotionally lying people destined crap life proof wa born loser die loser amput self improvement able fix,almost 26 nothing ha gotten better,big green 818,854,40,big green 818 done people telling thing get better clearly still alone always everyone around happy pissing hearing find somebody someday friend seen along time looking back feel friend make feel better really feel like point matter much workout stay fit feel happy matter hobby pick still feel empty yet everyone keep telling keep trying dont think try harder take med feel better always dark place sick emotionally lying people destined crap life proof wa born loser die loser amput self improvement able fix almost 26 nothing ha gotten better
Everything and nothing,"That’s what wrong. I know I’m in pretty deep depression, my life has changed so flipping much in the last 6 months. My happy-enough marriage has changed drastically, bringing us closer together but presenting other extremely difficult challenges.  Announcing that my spouse is transgender, and so is my kid, is trying. I can only imagine what my wife is feeling about everything. 

I’ve lost nearly my entire family because of these changes, my wife’s sister has disowned us, her parents are sort of supportive yet very transphobic.  I hate that I have had to choose my wife over the family I grew up with, but I’d make that choice a million times over, no regrets. My mother has been nothing but cruel and evil. Everyone else is too close to her to reach out or keep in my circle.  

I don’t know what the point of my post is. I’m just so down and don’t want to vent to my wife right now.",bedraggled_charmer,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpe3e/everything_and_nothing/,wrong know pretty deep depression life ha changed flipping much last 6 month happy enough marriage ha changed drastically bringing u closer together presenting extremely difficult challenge announcing spouse transgender kid trying imagine wife feeling everything lost nearly entire family change wife sister ha disowned u parent sort supportive yet transphobic hate choose wife family grew make choice million time regret mother ha nothing cruel evil everyone else close reach keep circle know point post want vent wife right,everything nothing,bedraggled charmer,889,22,bedraggled charmer wrong know pretty deep depression life ha changed flipping much last 6 month happy enough marriage ha changed drastically bringing u closer together presenting extremely difficult challenge announcing spouse transgender kid trying imagine wife feeling everything lost nearly entire family change wife sister ha disowned u parent sort supportive yet transphobic hate choose wife family grew make choice million time regret mother ha nothing cruel evil everyone else close reach keep circle know point post want vent wife right everything nothing
Escape reality,Recently I’ve been feeling this girl but I know she doesn’t like me but I still have major feeling for her but I know it won’t go anywhere. And I just want to escape this feeling of loneliness and sadness.,babyseabass,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdpe0g/escape_reality/,recently feeling girl know like still major feeling know go anywhere want escape feeling loneliness sadness,escape reality,baby sea bass,205,14,baby sea bass recently feeling girl know like still major feeling know go anywhere want escape feeling loneliness sadness escape reality
why is my life like this,"Barely anything in my life is good. 
Brothers getting locked up, drug abuse, addictions, alcoholism, attempted suicide and self harm, and so much more things that affect me daily as much as I try and push it back

Then directly involving me, moving across the country all my life so I’ve never had friends, bullied, depression, suicidal thoughts and so many more things
 
I don’t wanna get into all my problems and shit but life has been so unfair and I know other people have problems, and I always think “well at least they aren’t dead” because some of my friends have lost parents and siblings but maybe what I have is worse because I still see them but I don’t see themselves anymore because they aren’t and never will be the same.",throwaway656565167,0,0,https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fehxl8/why_is_my_life_like_this/,barely anything life good brother getting locked drug abuse addiction alcoholism attempted suicide self harm much thing affect daily much try push back directly involving moving across country life never friend bullied depression suicidal thought many thing wanna get problem shit life ha unfair know people problem always think well least dead friend lost parent sibling maybe worse still see see anymore never,life like,throwaway 656565167,735,24,throwaway 656565167 barely anything life good brother getting locked drug abuse addiction alcoholism attempted suicide self harm much thing affect daily much try push back directly involving moving across country life never friend bullied depression suicidal thought many thing wanna get problem shit life ha unfair know people problem always think well least dead friend lost parent sibling maybe worse still see see anymore never life like
"New wiki on how to avoid accidentally encouraging suicide, and how to spot covert incitement","We've been seeing a worrying increase in pro-suicide content showing up here and, and also going unreported. This undermines our purpose here, so we wanted to highlight and clarify our guidelines about both direct and indirect incitement of suicide.  

We've created a wiki that covers these issues.  We hope this will be helpful to anyone who's wondering whether something's okay here and which responses to report.  It explains in detail why *any* validation of suicidal intent, even an ""innocent"" message like ""if you're 100% committed, I'll just wish you peace"" is likely to increase people's pain, and why it's important to report even subtle pro-suicide comments. The full text of the wiki's current version is below, and it is maintained at [/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement). 

We deeply appreciate everyone who gives responsive, empathetic, non-judgemental support to our OPs, and we particularly thank everyone who's already been reporting incitement in all forms.  

Please report any post or comment that encourages suicide (or that breaks any of the other guidelines in the sidebar) to the moderators, either by clicking the ""report"" button or by [sending us a modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FSuicideWatch) with a link. We deal with all guideline violations that are reported to us as soon as we can, but we can't read everything so community reports are essential. If you get a PM that breaks the guidelines, please report it both [to the reddit sitewide admins](http://www.reddit.com/report) and to us in modmail. 

Thanks to all the great citizens of the community who help flag problem content and behaviour for us.  
    
    

******
***[/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement)***  
*******

###Summary###

**It's important to respect and understand people's experiences and emotions. It's never necessary, helpful, or kind to support suicidal intent. There are some common misconceptions (discussed below) about suicidal people and how to help them that can cause well-meaning people to inadvertently incite suicide. There are also people online who incite suicide on purpose, often while pretending to be sympathetic and helpful.** 

###Validate Feelings and Experiences, Not Self-Destructive Intentions###

We're here to offer support, not judgement.  That means accepting, with the best understanding we can offer, whatever emotions people express.  Suicidal people are suffering, and we're here to try to ease that by providing support and caring.  The most reliable way we know to de-escalate someone at risk is to give them the experience of feeling understood. That means not judging whether they should be feeling the way they are, or telling them what to do or not do.  

But there's an important line to draw here.  There's a crucial difference between empathizing with feelings and responding non-judgmentally to suicidal thoughts, and in any way endorsing, encouraging, or validating suicidal intentions or hopeless beliefs. 

Anything that condones suicide, even passively, *encourages* suicide. It isn't supportive and does not help. It also violates reddit's sitewide rules as well as our guidelines. Explicitly inciting suicide online is a criminal offense in most jurisdictions. 

Do not treat any OP's post as meaning that will definitely die by suicide and can't change their minds or be helped. Anyone who's able to read the comments here still has a chance to choose whether or not to try to keep living, even if they've also been experiencing intense thoughts of suicide, made a suicide plan, or started carrying it out.  

In [the most useful empirical model we have](https://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2009/06/sci-brief), the desire to die by suicide primarily comes from two interpersonal factors; alienation and a sense of being a burden or having nothing to offer. These factors usually lead to a profound feeling of being unwelcome in the world. 

**So, any acceptance or reinforcement of suicidal intent, even something ""innocent"" like ""I hope you find peace"", is actually a form of covert shunning that validates a person's sense that they're unwelcome in the world. It will usually add to their pain even if kindly meant and gently worded.**  

###How to Avoid Validating Suicidal Intent###

Keep the following in mind when offering support to anyone at risk for suicide.  

* **People who say they don't want help usually can feel better if they get support that doesn't invalidate their emotions.** Unfortunately, [many popular ""good"" responses are actually counterproductive](https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2015/03/03/what-not-to-say/). In particular, many friends and family tend to rely exclusively on trying to convince the suicidal person that ""it's not so bad"", and this is usually experienced as ""I don't understand what you're going through and I'm not going to try"".  People who've had ""help"" that made them feel worse don't want any more of the same.  It doesn't mean that someone who actually knows how to be supportive can't give them any comfort.   

*  **Most people who are suicidal want to end their** ***pain,*** **not their lives.**  It's almost never true that death is the only way to end these people's suffering. Of course there are exceptional situations, and we certainly acknowledge that, for some people, the right help can be difficult to find. But preventing someone's suicide doesn't mean prolonging their suffering if we do it by giving them real comfort and understanding. 

* ***An unfixable problem doesn't mean that a good life will never be possible***.  We don't have to fix or change anything to help someone feel better. It's important to keep in mind that the correlation between our outer circumstances and our inner experience is weaker and less direct than commonly assumed.  For every kind of difficult life situation, you will find some people who lapse into suicidal despair, and others who cope amazingly well, and a whole spectrum in between. A key difference is how much inner resilience the person has at the time. This can depend on many personal and situational factors. But when there's not enough, interpersonal support can both compensate for its absence and help rebuild it.  We go into more depth on the ""it gets better"" issue in [this PSA Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/25igd7/whats_wrong_with_it_gets_better_what_if_it_doesnt/) which is always linked from our sidebar (community info on mobile) guidelines. 

* **There are** ***always*** **more choices than brutally forcing someone to stay alive or passively letting them end their lives**.

To avoid accidentally breaking the anti-incitement rule, don't say or try to imply that acting on suicidal thoughts is a good idea, or that someone can't turn back or is already dead.  Do whatever you can to help them feel cared for and welcome, at least in this little corner of the world.  [Our talking tips](http://redd.it/igh87) offer more detailed guidance.

###Look Out for Deliberate Incitement.  It May Come in Disguise.###

Often comments that subtly encourage suicidal intent actually come from suicide fetishists and voyeurs ([unfortunately this is a real and disturbing phenomenon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Francis_Melchert-Dinkel)). People like this *are* out there and the anonymous nature of reddit makes us particularly attractive to them.  

They will typically try to scratch their psychological ""itch"" by saying things that push people closer to the edge.  They often do this by exploiting the myths that we debunked in the bullet points above.  Specifically you might see people doing the following:

* Encouraging the false belief that the only way suicidal people can end their pain is by dying.  **There are** ***always*** **more and better choices than ""brutally forcing someone to stay alive"" or helping (actively or passively) them to end their lives**.

* Creating an artificial and toxic sense of ""solidarity"" by linking their encouragement of suicide to empathy.  They will represent themselves as the only one who really understand the suicidal person, while either directly or indirectly encouraging their self-loathing emotions and self-destructive impulses.  **Since most people in suicidal crisis are in desperate need to empathy and understanding, this is a particularly dangerous form of manipulation.**  

Many suicide inciters are adept at putting a benevolent spin on their activities while actually luring people away from sources of real help.  A couple of key points to keep in mind: 

* **Skilled suicide intervention -- peer or professional -- is based on empathic responsiveness to the person's feelings that reduces their suffering in the moment.**  Contrary to pop-culture myths, it does **not** involve persuasion (""Don't do it!""), cheerleading (""You've got this!"") or meaningless false promises (""Trust me, it gets better!""), or invalidation (""Let me show you how things aren't as bad as you think!"").  Anyone who leads others to expect these kinds of toxic responses, or any other response that prolongs their pain, from expert help may be covertly pro-suicide. (Of course, people sometimes do have bad experience when seeking mental-health treatment, and it's fine to vent about those, but processing our own disappointment and frustration is entirely different from trying to destroy someone else's hope of getting help.)

* **Choices made by competent responders are always informed by the understanding that breaching someone's trust is traumatic and must be avoided if possible.**  Any kind of involuntary intervention is an **extremely unlikely** outcome when someone consults a clinician or calls a hotline. (Confidentiality is addressed in more detail in [our Hotlines FAQ post](http://redd.it/1c7ntr)). The goal is always to provide all help with the client's full knowledge and informed consent. We know that no individual or system is perfect.  Mistakes that lead to bad experiences do sometimes happen to vulnerable people, and we have enormous sympathy for them. But anyone who suggests that this is the norm might be trying to scare people away from the help they need.  

Please [let us know discreetly](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FSuicideWatch) if you see anyone exhibiting these or similar behaviours. We don't recommend trying to engage with them directly.",SQLwitch,260,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/cz6nfd/new_wiki_on_how_to_avoid_accidentally_encouraging/,seeing worrying increase pro suicide content showing also going unreported undermines purpose wanted highlight clarify guideline direct indirect incitement suicide created wiki cover issue hope helpful anyone wondering whether something okay response report explains detail validation suicidal intent even innocent message like 100 committed wish peace likely increase people pain important report even subtle pro suicide comment full text wiki current version maintained r suicidewatch wiki incitement http www reddit com r suicidewatch wiki incitement deeply appreciate everyone give responsive empathetic non judgemental support ops particularly thank everyone already reporting incitement form please report post comment encourages suicide break guideline sidebar moderator either clicking report button sending u modmail http www reddit com message compose 2fr 2fsuicidewatch link deal guideline violation reported u soon read everything community report essential get pm break guideline please report reddit sitewide admins http www reddit com report u modmail thanks great citizen community help flag problem content behaviour u r suicidewatch wiki incitement http www reddit com r suicidewatch wiki incitement summary important respect understand people experience emotion never necessary helpful kind support suicidal intent common misconception discussed suicidal people help cause well meaning people inadvertently incite suicide also people online incite suicide purpose often pretending sympathetic helpful validate feeling experience self destructive intention offer support judgement mean accepting best understanding offer whatever emotion people express suicidal people suffering try ease providing support caring reliable way know de escalate someone risk give experience feeling understood mean judging whether feeling way telling important line draw crucial difference empathizing feeling responding non judgmentally suicidal thought way endorsing encouraging validating suicidal intention hopeless belief anything condones suicide even passively encourages suicide supportive doe help also violates reddit sitewide rule well guideline explicitly inciting suicide online criminal offense jurisdiction treat op post meaning definitely die suicide change mind helped anyone able read comment still ha chance choose whether try keep living even also experiencing intense thought suicide made suicide plan started carrying useful empirical model http www apa org science psa 2009 06 sci brief desire die suicide primarily come two interpersonal factor alienation sense burden nothing offer factor usually lead profound feeling unwelcome world acceptance reinforcement suicidal intent even something innocent like hope find peace actually form covert shunning validates person sense unwelcome world usually add pain even kindly meant gently worded avoid validating suicidal intent keep following mind offering support anyone risk suicide people say want help usually feel better get support invalidate emotion unfortunately many popular good response actually counterproductive http www speakingofsuicide com 2015 03 03 say particular many friend family tend rely exclusively trying convince suicidal person bad usually experienced understand going going try people help made feel worse want mean someone actually know supportive give comfort people suicidal want end pain life almost never true death way end people suffering course exceptional situation certainly acknowledge people right help difficult find preventing someone suicide mean prolonging suffering giving real comfort understanding unfixable problem mean good life never possible fix change anything help someone feel better important keep mind correlation outer circumstance inner experience weaker le direct commonly assumed every kind difficult life situation find people lapse suicidal despair others cope amazingly well whole spectrum key difference much inner resilience person ha time depend many personal situational factor enough interpersonal support compensate absence help rebuild go depth get better issue psa post http www reddit com r suicidewatch comment 25igd7 whats_wrong_with_it_gets_better_what_if_it_doesnt always linked sidebar community info mobile guideline always choice brutally forcing someone stay alive passively letting end life avoid accidentally breaking anti incitement rule say try imply acting suicidal thought good idea someone turn back already dead whatever help feel cared welcome least little corner world talking tip http redd igh87 offer detailed guidance look deliberate incitement may come disguise often comment subtly encourage suicidal intent actually come suicide fetishist voyeur unfortunately real disturbing phenomenon http en wikipedia org wiki william_francis_melchert dinkel people like anonymous nature reddit make u particularly attractive typically try scratch psychological itch saying thing push people closer edge often exploiting myth debunked bullet point specifically might see people following encouraging false belief way suicidal people end pain dying always better choice brutally forcing someone stay alive helping actively passively end life creating artificial toxic sense solidarity linking encouragement suicide empathy represent one really understand suicidal person either directly indirectly encouraging self loathing emotion self destructive impulse since people suicidal crisis desperate need empathy understanding particularly dangerous form manipulation many suicide inciter adept putting benevolent spin activity actually luring people away source real help couple key point keep mind skilled suicide intervention peer professional based empathic responsiveness person feeling reduces suffering moment contrary pop culture myth doe involve persuasion cheerleading got meaningless false promise trust get better invalidation let show thing bad think anyone lead others expect kind toxic response response prolongs pain expert help may covertly pro suicide course people sometimes bad experience seeking mental health treatment fine vent processing disappointment frustration entirely different trying destroy someone else hope getting help choice made competent responder always informed understanding breaching someone trust traumatic must avoided possible kind involuntary intervention extremely unlikely outcome someone consults clinician call hotline confidentiality addressed detail hotlines faq post http redd 1c7ntr goal always provide help client full knowledge informed consent know individual system perfect mistake lead bad experience sometimes happen vulnerable people enormous sympathy anyone suggests norm might trying scare people away help need please let u know discreetly http www reddit com message compose 2fr 2fsuicidewatch see anyone exhibiting similar behaviour recommend trying engage directly,new wiki avoid accidentally encouraging suicide spot covert incitement,sql witch,10466,92,sql witch seeing worrying increase pro suicide content showing also going unreported undermines purpose wanted highlight clarify guideline direct indirect incitement suicide created wiki cover issue hope helpful anyone wondering whether something okay response report explains detail validation suicidal intent even innocent message like 100 committed wish peace likely increase people pain important report even subtle pro suicide comment full text wiki current version maintained r suicidewatch wiki incitement http www reddit com r suicidewatch wiki incitement deeply appreciate everyone give responsive empathetic non judgemental support ops particularly thank everyone already reporting incitement form please report post comment encourages suicide break guideline sidebar moderator either clicking report button sending u modmail http www reddit com message compose 2fr 2fsuicidewatch link deal guideline violation reported u soon read everything community report essential get pm break guideline please report reddit sitewide admins http www reddit com report u modmail thanks great citizen community help flag problem content behaviour u r suicidewatch wiki incitement http www reddit com r suicidewatch wiki incitement summary important respect understand people experience emotion never necessary helpful kind support suicidal intent common misconception discussed suicidal people help cause well meaning people inadvertently incite suicide also people online incite suicide purpose often pretending sympathetic helpful validate feeling experience self destructive intention offer support judgement mean accepting best understanding offer whatever emotion people express suicidal people suffering try ease providing support caring reliable way know de escalate someone risk give experience feeling understood mean judging whether feeling way telling important line draw crucial difference empathizing feeling responding non judgmentally suicidal thought way endorsing encouraging validating suicidal intention hopeless belief anything condones suicide even passively encourages suicide supportive doe help also violates reddit sitewide rule well guideline explicitly inciting suicide online criminal offense jurisdiction treat op post meaning definitely die suicide change mind helped anyone able read comment still ha chance choose whether try keep living even also experiencing intense thought suicide made suicide plan started carrying useful empirical model http www apa org science psa 2009 06 sci brief desire die suicide primarily come two interpersonal factor alienation sense burden nothing offer factor usually lead profound feeling unwelcome world acceptance reinforcement suicidal intent even something innocent like hope find peace actually form covert shunning validates person sense unwelcome world usually add pain even kindly meant gently worded avoid validating suicidal intent keep following mind offering support anyone risk suicide people say want help usually feel better get support invalidate emotion unfortunately many popular good response actually counterproductive http www speakingofsuicide com 2015 03 03 say particular many friend family tend rely exclusively trying convince suicidal person bad usually experienced understand going going try people help made feel worse want mean someone actually know supportive give comfort people suicidal want end pain life almost never true death way end people suffering course exceptional situation certainly acknowledge people right help difficult find preventing someone suicide mean prolonging suffering giving real comfort understanding unfixable problem mean good life never possible fix change anything help someone feel better important keep mind correlation outer circumstance inner experience weaker le direct commonly assumed every kind difficult life situation find people lapse suicidal despair others cope amazingly well whole spectrum key difference much inner resilience person ha time depend many personal situational factor enough interpersonal support compensate absence help rebuild go depth get better issue psa post http www reddit com r suicidewatch comment 25igd7 whats_wrong_with_it_gets_better_what_if_it_doesnt always linked sidebar community info mobile guideline always choice brutally forcing someone stay alive passively letting end life avoid accidentally breaking anti incitement rule say try imply acting suicidal thought good idea someone turn back already dead whatever help feel cared welcome least little corner world talking tip http redd igh87 offer detailed guidance look deliberate incitement may come disguise often comment subtly encourage suicidal intent actually come suicide fetishist voyeur unfortunately real disturbing phenomenon http en wikipedia org wiki william_francis_melchert dinkel people like anonymous nature reddit make u particularly attractive typically try scratch psychological itch saying thing push people closer edge often exploiting myth debunked bullet point specifically might see people following encouraging false belief way suicidal people end pain dying always better choice brutally forcing someone stay alive helping actively passively end life creating artificial toxic sense solidarity linking encouragement suicide empathy represent one really understand suicidal person either directly indirectly encouraging self loathing emotion self destructive impulse since people suicidal crisis desperate need empathy understanding particularly dangerous form manipulation many suicide inciter adept putting benevolent spin activity actually luring people away source real help couple key point keep mind skilled suicide intervention peer professional based empathic responsiveness person feeling reduces suffering moment contrary pop culture myth doe involve persuasion cheerleading got meaningless false promise trust get better invalidation let show thing bad think anyone lead others expect kind toxic response response prolongs pain expert help may covertly pro suicide course people sometimes bad experience seeking mental health treatment fine vent processing disappointment frustration entirely different trying destroy someone else hope getting help choice made competent responder always informed understanding breaching someone trust traumatic must avoided possible kind involuntary intervention extremely unlikely outcome someone consults clinician call hotline confidentiality addressed detail hotlines faq post http redd 1c7ntr goal always provide help client full knowledge informed consent know individual system perfect mistake lead bad experience sometimes happen vulnerable people enormous sympathy anyone suggests norm might trying scare people away help need please let u know discreetly http www reddit com message compose 2fr 2fsuicidewatch see anyone exhibiting similar behaviour recommend trying engage directly new wiki avoid accidentally encouraging suicide spot covert incitement
Reminder: Absolutely no activism of any kind is allowed here. Any day.,"If you want to recognise an occasion, please do so by offering extra support to those who've asked for it, and by being a good citizen of the community, mindful of our tips and guidelines.

Edit:  In response to multiple requests, I'm adding a definition of activism here:  ""campaigning to bring about political or social change"".  That's straight out of the OED, we aren't making any special interpretation of it. **Any post that is primarily about raising awareness or changing perceptions is activism according to the dictionary definition and thus a violation of the community rules.**

Some examples of the most common types of activists posts we were here, all of which are totally inappropriate:  

* Advocating for changes in laws around suicide

* Advocating for change in the mental-health system 

* Advocating for changes in cultural norms or common perceptions around mental-health.  These are often related to specific days devoted to specific causes, e.g. World Suicide Prevention Day

Keep in mind that our mission here is individual peer support.  Any post that's not a request for personal support regarding current experience related to suicide is probably a rule violation unless it has the ""Mod Approved"" flair.",SQLwitch,124,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/d2370x/reminder_absolutely_no_activism_of_any_kind_is/,want recognise occasion please offering extra support asked good citizen community mindful tip guideline edit response multiple request adding definition activism campaigning bring political social change straight oed making special interpretation post primarily raising awareness changing perception activism according dictionary definition thus violation community rule example common type activist post totally inappropriate advocating change law around suicide advocating change mental health system advocating change cultural norm common perception around mental health often related specific day devoted specific cause e g world suicide prevention day keep mind mission individual peer support post request personal support regarding current experience related suicide probably rule violation unless ha mod approved flair,reminder absolutely activism kind allowed day,sql witch,1232,70,sql witch want recognise occasion please offering extra support asked good citizen community mindful tip guideline edit response multiple request adding definition activism campaigning bring political social change straight oed making special interpretation post primarily raising awareness changing perception activism according dictionary definition thus violation community rule example common type activist post totally inappropriate advocating change law around suicide advocating change mental health system advocating change cultural norm common perception around mental health often related specific day devoted specific cause e g world suicide prevention day keep mind mission individual peer support post request personal support regarding current experience related suicide probably rule violation unless ha mod approved flair reminder absolutely activism kind allowed day
To every single poster here i wanne say one thing,I really fucking feel you,NussNougatCroissant,46,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7bca/to_every_single_poster_here_i_wanne_say_one_thing/,really fucking feel,every single poster wanne say one thing,nu nougat croissant,25,49,nu nougat croissant really fucking feel every single poster wanne say one thing
I just want it all to stop,"Everyone ends up hating me eventually. 
My psychologist of almost ten years blew up at me and kicked me out of my last session. 
I’m doubting every interaction I have with every person I meet.
I’m doubting every interaction I have with every single one of my friends.
I can’t get my substance abuse issues under control. 
I’m my own worst enemy.
I was accused of being a bully and was subsequently bullied by the workplace bullying system. I uprooted my life to change for the better and as part of the domino of doing so my dog was killed. 
I would give anything to be a different person right now. To not have to be my awful, repulsive, contemptible self.",hda-SVN-njhdsx,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fee4k7/i_just_want_it_all_to_stop/,everyone end hating eventually psychologist almost ten year blew kicked last session doubting every interaction every person meet doubting every interaction every single one friend get substance abuse issue control worst enemy wa accused bully wa subsequently bullied workplace bullying system uprooted life change better part domino dog wa killed would give anything different person right awful repulsive contemptible self,want stop,hd svn nj hds x,657,26,hd svn nj hds x everyone end hating eventually psychologist almost ten year blew kicked last session doubting every interaction every person meet doubting every interaction every single one friend get substance abuse issue control worst enemy wa accused bully wa subsequently bullied workplace bullying system uprooted life change better part domino dog wa killed would give anything different person right awful repulsive contemptible self want stop
"Nobody gives a fuck until you die, and even then you're still not valid.",emptypost,lil_peemis,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fea9x1/nobody_gives_a_fuck_until_you_die_and_even_then/,emptypost,nobody give fuck die even still valid,lil pee mi,9,72,lil pee mi emptypost nobody give fuck die even still valid
I want to die,"Dude I just want death. I’ve never actually wanted to die before but I just really really don’t want to be here at all. Everyone hates me and I honestly just hate everyone, I just want to die",My21SabbathChemicals,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fee4yo/i_want_to_die/,dude want death never actually wanted die really really want everyone hate honestly hate everyone want die,want die,21 sabbath chemical,191,13,21 sabbath chemical dude want death never actually wanted die really really want everyone hate honestly hate everyone want die want die
"I have two brothers who have killed themselves, and that fact is the only thing keeping me from it. I looked up and found this sub instead of doing it just now.",emptypost,ArsenalOwl,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feenlk/i_have_two_brothers_who_have_killed_themselves/,emptypost,two brother killed fact thing keeping looked found sub instead,arsenal owl,9,160,arsenal owl emptypost two brother killed fact thing keeping looked found sub instead
"8 years ago I posted here, wanting to die. My life is so much better now.","When I was 15-16 years old, I posted here in my darkest moments. I couldn't see any reason to keep living. I thought I was nothing special and the next 8 years seemed like an endless slog. You can look through my post history if you want. 

Since then, I graduated college and graduate school. I have traveled the world. I swam with bioluminescent algae in Indonesia. I've hiked among alpacas in Peru. I learned to speak Spanish fluently and connected with people around the world, and in my own country, who speak Spanish too. I've published my writing i  multiple publications. I have fallen in love and had my heart broken several times. I realized I'm gay, came out, and I'm with the most amazing woman. I have a career that I love where I help people every day. I can honestly say that depression may be a lifelong struggle for me, but it is possible to recover and develop tools to cope with it. Every day is a manageable challenge now. Every day I am grateful to just be alive. I am SO GLAD that I didn't kill myself 8 years ago. I never would have known how beautiful my life could become.

Before you think about killing yourself, remember that you don't know how beautiful your life could become. How could you? You have no way of knowing until you get there. But you need to be alive.",deppressionthrowaway,36,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6pma/8_years_ago_i_posted_here_wanting_to_die_my_life/,wa 15 16 year old posted darkest moment see reason keep living thought wa nothing special next 8 year seemed like endless slog look post history want since graduated college graduate school traveled world swam bioluminescent algae indonesia hiked among alpaca peru learned speak spanish fluently connected people around world country speak spanish published writing multiple publication fallen love heart broken several time realized gay came amazing woman career love help people every day honestly say depression may lifelong struggle possible recover develop tool cope every day manageable challenge every day grateful alive glad kill 8 year ago never would known beautiful life could become think killing remember know beautiful life could become could way knowing get need alive,8 year ago posted wanting die life much better,dep press ion throwaway,1295,73,dep press ion throwaway wa 15 16 year old posted darkest moment see reason keep living thought wa nothing special next 8 year seemed like endless slog look post history want since graduated college graduate school traveled world swam bioluminescent algae indonesia hiked among alpaca peru learned speak spanish fluently connected people around world country speak spanish published writing multiple publication fallen love heart broken several time realized gay came amazing woman career love help people every day honestly say depression may lifelong struggle possible recover develop tool cope every day manageable challenge every day grateful alive glad kill 8 year ago never would known beautiful life could become think killing remember know beautiful life could become could way knowing get need alive 8 year ago posted wanting die life much better
I want to die I want to die I want to die,emptypost,alynde,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecvpg/i_want_to_die_i_want_to_die_i_want_to_die/,emptypost,want die want die want die,lyn de,9,41,lyn de emptypost want die want die want die
Almost shot myself right now,"Fuck, how can people make this look easy? It isnt, just loading makes your body shiver in the fear of the pain.

(I've pulled the trigger but didnt realize the safety trigger goes  on automatic when loaded)",Frocharocha,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fectd3/almost_shot_myself_right_now/,fuck people make look easy isnt loading make body shiver fear pain pulled trigger didnt realize safety trigger go automatic loaded,almost shot right,f rocha rocha,206,28,f rocha rocha fuck people make look easy isnt loading make body shiver fear pain pulled trigger didnt realize safety trigger go automatic loaded almost shot right
I wasn’t supposed to live past being a teenager,"The stability in my mental health comes and goes and right now it’s particularly bad. I have suffered from mental health issues since I was a child, and it was particularly bad in my teenage years. Mental illness along with multiple suicide attempts destroyed my memory, and I feel like losing my teenage years to mental illness impaired me as an adult. 

I’m in university now, I do my work, get decent grades, but I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t enjoy anything, my program is okay but I don’t see my future like so many people do. I struggle to make real connections with people, I am so emotionally unavailable and have hurt so many people leading them on and being unable to commit to them. I also barely enjoy sex and am traumatized from being sexually assaulted after a graduation party. I am wasting away my young adult years now, and soon enough I’ll regret not doing anything with my time. Therapy has never worked for me. I can safely say that I am a ghost of who I was, and who I could’ve been. I pretend and pretend but this part of me always seeps through the cracks. I want it to all end but I don’t think I could ever die, I am an only child and only daughter and it would tear my family apart. I’m just stuck. I’ll never be who I want to be and I feel like I have no options",katxxxll,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegpi2/i_wasnt_supposed_to_live_past_being_a_teenager/,stability mental health come go right particularly bad suffered mental health issue since wa child wa particularly bad teenage year mental illness along multiple suicide attempt destroyed memory feel like losing teenage year mental illness impaired adult university work get decent grade know enjoy anything program okay see future like many people struggle make real connection people emotionally unavailable hurt many people leading unable commit also barely enjoy sex traumatized sexually assaulted graduation party wasting away young adult year soon enough regret anything time therapy ha never worked safely say ghost wa could pretend pretend part always seeps crack want end think could ever die child daughter would tear family apart stuck never want feel like option,supposed live past teenager,kat xxx,1295,47,kat xxx stability mental health come go right particularly bad suffered mental health issue since wa child wa particularly bad teenage year mental illness along multiple suicide attempt destroyed memory feel like losing teenage year mental illness impaired adult university work get decent grade know enjoy anything program okay see future like many people struggle make real connection people emotionally unavailable hurt many people leading unable commit also barely enjoy sex traumatized sexually assaulted graduation party wasting away young adult year soon enough regret anything time therapy ha never worked safely say ghost wa could pretend pretend part always seeps crack want end think could ever die child daughter would tear family apart stuck never want feel like option supposed live past teenager
My suicide note,"I don’t know when I will pass. I don’t know how many people will know or care. I only want this to say to my parents and siblings and all relatives: I’m sorry. I’m greatly sorry. I will miss you all. But, I cannot continue the journey. 

I wasn’t blessed with looks, brains, talents, or really anything. My passions fizzle out and every ounce of optimism is but a coping tool for misery. I cannot continue down this road. All of those who pass me by, I know I wasn’t worth your time, but just know how blessed you are. With looks, brains, talents. 

Deep down maybe it is just a series of self inflicted devilish mistakes in manipulation and childhood traumas of sexual and psychological abuse. I blame myself wholeheartedly for all my actions and I blame myself for the actions made against me. I am a wretch. I am terrible. 

The only thing I can die with is hoping to meet a loving God. Or perhaps that I was a lonely god. One who created a world from loneliness. One who dreamt it all up. But, with all the suffering and pain and lost desires, God may have forsaken me. And if this is just a Dream then i made one terrible dream. 

I don’t really want to die. But I need to. It’s time I must be going. Mom, everytime you see anything that reminds you of me. Know that I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. 

With love, 
Another",NotVeryThrilled,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feep6a/my_suicide_note/,know pas know many people know care want say parent sibling relative sorry greatly sorry miss cannot continue journey blessed look brain talent really anything passion fizzle every ounce optimism coping tool misery cannot continue road pas know worth time know blessed look brain talent deep maybe series self inflicted devilish mistake manipulation childhood trauma sexual psychological abuse blame wholeheartedly action blame action made wretch terrible thing die hoping meet loving god perhaps wa lonely god one created world loneliness one dreamt suffering pain lost desire god may forsaken dream made one terrible dream really want die need time must going mom everytime see anything reminds know sorry truly sorry love another,suicide note,thrilled,1321,15,thrilled know pas know many people know care want say parent sibling relative sorry greatly sorry miss cannot continue journey blessed look brain talent really anything passion fizzle every ounce optimism coping tool misery cannot continue road pas know worth time know blessed look brain talent deep maybe series self inflicted devilish mistake manipulation childhood trauma sexual psychological abuse blame wholeheartedly action blame action made wretch terrible thing die hoping meet loving god perhaps wa lonely god one created world loneliness one dreamt suffering pain lost desire god may forsaken dream made one terrible dream really want die need time must going mom everytime see anything reminds know sorry truly sorry love another suicide note
"Completely Disassociated from life, no actual reason to live that has any significance","What to do when it doesn't matter if your happy or sad or miserable, loved etc just tired of living? Life is so mundane unintressing and time is relative to the one experiencing it so whether I grow old and die or kill my self makes no difference in the end. I know there's no after life and even if there was I would be fine in hell I would actually prefer it there. Just uninterested in participating in this world not for negative reasons more like boredom plus the fact I've always hated my parents for even creating me. Not like I don't enjoy things or have good memories more like cool I came and saw and now I'm bored and wish to move on and rest eternally. Any ideas on similar feelings. And before you tell me I have so much to live for and shit dont sell me that or the emotional side ""think of the pain you will cause"" not like it will actually matter once our sun dies and our planet stops existing my friendsand familywill all get over it and any pain I cause woulddisappear after their deaths. Emotions are petty and meaningless. Anyways just wondering how many of you feel this was and any idea on good ways to end it all. Been thinking about overdosing on heroin laced with fentanyl on a beach watching a sunset kinda my fantasy been dreaming of it for yrs.",-P3RSP3CT1V3-,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/febny3/completely_disassociated_from_life_no_actual/,matter happy sad miserable loved etc tired living life mundane unintressing time relative one experiencing whether grow old die kill self make difference end know life even wa would fine hell would actually prefer uninterested participating world negative reason like boredom plus fact always hated parent even creating like enjoy thing good memory like cool came saw bored wish move rest eternally idea similar feeling tell much live shit dont sell emotional side think pain cause like actually matter sun dy planet stop existing friendsand familywill get pain cause woulddisappear death emotion petty meaningless anyways wondering many feel wa idea good way end thinking overdosing heroin laced fentanyl beach watching sunset kinda fantasy dreaming yr,completely disassociated life actual reason live ha significance,p 3 r sp 3 ct 1 v 3,1273,86,p 3 r sp 3 ct 1 v 3 matter happy sad miserable loved etc tired living life mundane unintressing time relative one experiencing whether grow old die kill self make difference end know life even wa would fine hell would actually prefer uninterested participating world negative reason like boredom plus fact always hated parent even creating like enjoy thing good memory like cool came saw bored wish move rest eternally idea similar feeling tell much live shit dont sell emotional side think pain cause like actually matter sun dy planet stop existing friendsand familywill get pain cause woulddisappear death emotion petty meaningless anyways wondering many feel wa idea good way end thinking overdosing heroin laced fentanyl beach watching sunset kinda fantasy dreaming yr completely disassociated life actual reason live ha significance
Why do most people want a suffering person to stay alive while not caring about the person when they’re alive?,"It’s nuts that people come out of the woodwork when a person is about to die and then disappear when the threat is over.

For example, a homeless person could be by a bridge miserable with people paying him no attention. Moments later he could be on the edge of a bridge and suddenly everyone cares. Lol WHAT??",Senseless_misery,73,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdu78f/why_do_most_people_want_a_suffering_person_to/,nut people come woodwork person die disappear threat example homeless person could bridge miserable people paying attention moment later could edge bridge suddenly everyone care lol,people want suffering person stay alive caring person alive,senseless misery,310,110,senseless misery nut people come woodwork person die disappear threat example homeless person could bridge miserable people paying attention moment later could edge bridge suddenly everyone care lol people want suffering person stay alive caring person alive
Instead of killing myself I want to get a one way ticket to an unknown country and start a new life there,"Instead of killing myself I want to get a one way ticket to an unknown country and start a new life there

I understand this is illegal and once there it’ll be borderline impossible to get a job and I’m not sure what will happen if I’m caught, but it’s the only thing I can think of that isn’t killing myself. As for which country I have no idea, ideally one where people can speak English",anonymouspls,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fedmpq/instead_of_killing_myself_i_want_to_get_a_one_way/,instead killing want get one way ticket unknown country start new life understand illegal borderline impossible get job sure happen caught thing think killing country idea ideally one people speak english,instead killing want get one way ticket unknown country start new life,anonymous pl,389,105,anonymous pl instead killing want get one way ticket unknown country start new life understand illegal borderline impossible get job sure happen caught thing think killing country idea ideally one people speak english instead killing want get one way ticket unknown country start new life
So many little things push me over the edge,"My bf lives on 9th floor I kinda want to jump out of the window. 

yes I know you little shit that youre stalking my posts and enjoy my suffering have a blask cause I may be dead soon. 

I cant take it anymore,I just wish everything would end",anitaemma777,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fedged/so_many_little_things_push_me_over_the_edge/,bf life 9th floor kinda want jump window yes know little shit youre stalking post enjoy suffering blask cause may dead soon cant take anymore wish everything would end,many little thing push edge,anita emma 777,242,43,anita emma 777 bf life 9th floor kinda want jump window yes know little shit youre stalking post enjoy suffering blask cause may dead soon cant take anymore wish everything would end many little thing push edge
"It's weird, but no matter how much I postpone it and work on myself, pretty sure I'll end up killing myself someday","Just feels right yknow?

Like I'd leave on my terms. Like I'd leave alone. Haven't had a solid friend. They all begin to take you for granted eventually, you can be their rock n all, it doesn't matter.

It's made more sense being alone. I even know how I'll go out. Till then I'll make art, I'll tell stories. But when i can't be strong someday, I'll be glad to off myself. Why is it this hard to make a friend",heartmadefullmetal7,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefw4q/its_weird_but_no_matter_how_much_i_postpone_it/,feel right yknow like leave term like leave alone solid friend begin take granted eventually rock n matter made sense alone even know go till make art tell story strong someday glad hard make friend,weird matter much postpone work pretty sure end killing someday,heart made fullmetal 7,410,115,heart made fullmetal 7 feel right yknow like leave term like leave alone solid friend begin take granted eventually rock n matter made sense alone even know go till make art tell story strong someday glad hard make friend weird matter much postpone work pretty sure end killing someday
"I am so sorry, but it has gotten worse",emptypost,SmushyKidK,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feerry/i_am_so_sorry_but_it_has_gotten_worse/,emptypost,sorry ha gotten worse,mushy kid k,9,38,mushy kid k emptypost sorry ha gotten worse
I feel inferior,"I seem to have a big inferiority complex

Today in class we were doing little clay figures that represented something to us, while everyone else's looked beautiful and detailed, mine was all desfigured and ugly, while everyone's had a meaning behind them, mine was ""hurr duuurr i like octopus"" 

Why cant i be the best in something for once??

I felt so embarrassdd when it was my turn to talk about my model, all i wanted to do was say ""sorry teacher but im a talentless piece of shit"" 

Im petty, im pathetic, i dont want to be but i cant help but feel this way",Myu_The_Weirdo,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feeowr/i_feel_inferior/,seem big inferiority complex today class little clay figure represented something u everyone else looked beautiful detailed mine wa desfigured ugly everyone meaning behind mine wa hurr duuurr like octopus cant best something felt embarrassdd wa turn talk model wanted wa say sorry teacher im talentless piece shit im petty im pathetic dont want cant help feel way,feel inferior,myu weirdo,563,15,myu weirdo seem big inferiority complex today class little clay figure represented something u everyone else looked beautiful detailed mine wa desfigured ugly everyone meaning behind mine wa hurr duuurr like octopus cant best something felt embarrassdd wa turn talk model wanted wa say sorry teacher im talentless piece shit im petty im pathetic dont want cant help feel way feel inferior
I planned on dying today. Obviously I'm not dead.,Instead I'm fucking drunk like the useless little shit i am.,AeonianAce,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fec1n2/i_planned_on_dying_today_obviously_im_not_dead/,instead fucking drunk like useless little shit,planned dying today obviously dead,aeon ian ace,60,49,aeon ian ace instead fucking drunk like useless little shit planned dying today obviously dead
I want to douse my body in gasoline and set myself on fire,emptypost,SalehRobbins,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefk02/i_want_to_douse_my_body_in_gasoline_and_set/,emptypost,want douse body gasoline set fire,saleh robbins,9,58,saleh robbins emptypost want douse body gasoline set fire
I can't keep doing this,"(Venting, throwaway account for privacy.)

My mind is blank. I cannot think. I don't want to eat. I don't want to try anymore. I've been trying for almost 30 years now. It hasn't gotten better like everyone said it would. It's just been a series of ups and downs, a rollercoaster that never seems to end. I fucking hate it.

My partner's grad program fucked us over with direct deposit again, so now all our bills are gonna be overdue. Again. We barely have food in the house, and neither of us have had the mental energy lately to cook what we do have. I could pick up more shifts to work all weekend for pennies to try and slowly pay a tiny bit of everything off, but I won't be able to make enough to pay everything. I'll work myself to the brink of death again just to barely get by, smoke to get through the day, and drink to fall asleep at night. Or I could just end it all.

My partner knows I'm mentally ill and tries their best. They go above and beyond any efforts I've ever seen, including my own parents. I don't want to leave them behind. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. But I just can't keep going like this. I want this to be over. And there's no end in sight. So I should just make my own exit.",JustThrowMeAwaymmk,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegwd3/i_cant_keep_doing_this/,venting throwaway account privacy mind blank cannot think want eat want try anymore trying almost 30 year gotten better like everyone said would series ups rollercoaster never seems end fucking hate partner grad program fucked u direct deposit bill gonna overdue barely food house neither u mental energy lately cook could pick shift work weekend penny try slowly pay tiny bit everything able make enough pay everything work brink death barely get smoke get day drink fall asleep night could end partner know mentally ill try best go beyond effort ever seen including parent want leave behind feel guilty feeling way keep going like want end sight make exit,keep,throw away mm k,1217,23,throw away mm k venting throwaway account privacy mind blank cannot think want eat want try anymore trying almost 30 year gotten better like everyone said would series ups rollercoaster never seems end fucking hate partner grad program fucked u direct deposit bill gonna overdue barely food house neither u mental energy lately cook could pick shift work weekend penny try slowly pay tiny bit everything able make enough pay everything work brink death barely get smoke get day drink fall asleep night could end partner know mentally ill try best go beyond effort ever seen including parent want leave behind feel guilty feeling way keep going like want end sight make exit keep
Who’s tired of hearing bullshit,"The shit like “it will get better, everyone is here for a purpose you just need to find yours.” Or “it will get better just wait, one day you’ll be glad you didn’t kill your self.” And of course the suicide is a permanent solution blah blah blah fuck shit. Even better, for people with religion say , “just pray” 

Suicidal people are tired of hearing the same generic shit. That’s why we don’t open up.",fuckxboxandgames,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9b6e/whos_tired_of_hearing_bullshit/,shit like get better everyone purpose need find get better wait one day glad kill self course suicide permanent solution blah blah blah fuck shit even better people religion say pray suicidal people tired hearing generic shit open,tired hearing bullshit,fuck xbox game,403,31,fuck xbox game shit like get better everyone purpose need find get better wait one day glad kill self course suicide permanent solution blah blah blah fuck shit even better people religion say pray suicidal people tired hearing generic shit open tired hearing bullshit
I hope I get coronavirus and die.,But I'm too young for it to be deadly. fuck why,Natural_Variety,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe34cx/i_hope_i_get_coronavirus_and_die/,young deadly fuck,hope get coronavirus die,natural variety,47,33,natural variety young deadly fuck hope get coronavirus die
I can't do this anymore,emptypost,sappy_banana,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feeq4w/i_cant_do_this_anymore/,emptypost,anymore,sappy banana,9,23,sappy banana emptypost anymore
Im excited to drink myself to sleep tonight,I have a .22 five feet behind me all i have to do is pull back the slide load it and its ready to help exterminate my useless pathetic ass from existing. It will be the most useful act ill ever perform. So why am i such a pussy about it? Why am i such a pile of shit i cant even give myself the comfort i long for? Im sick of trying everyday knowing ill never be even mediocre. I just want it all to end .,SuperDuperPewper,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7atk/im_excited_to_drink_myself_to_sleep_tonight/,22 five foot behind pull back slide load ready help exterminate useless pathetic existing useful act ill ever perform pussy pile shit cant even give comfort long im sick trying everyday knowing ill never even mediocre want end,im excited drink sleep tonight,super du per pew per,405,43,super du per pew per 22 five foot behind pull back slide load ready help exterminate useless pathetic existing useful act ill ever perform pussy pile shit cant even give comfort long im sick trying everyday knowing ill never even mediocre want end im excited drink sleep tonight
"I thought I was getting better, but I was just lying to myself","Social media is great fun. Just found out that a lot of my friends are hanging out without me tonight, so that's been real fun.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about doing it, but I always think 'Maybe your friends can help. Maybe you can get better.' I've just been lying to myself.
I've been at the edge for a long time now, but I'm just exhausted at this point. I just can't.
Why does life have to be like this? Why can't we just be happy all the time? Why do feelings like this have to exist? I hate it. I just want to go to sleep.
Thank you for letting me rant.",alcohol_at3am,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fec20e/i_thought_i_was_getting_better_but_i_was_just/,social medium great fun found lot friend hanging without tonight real fun day go think always think maybe friend help maybe get better lying edge long time exhausted point doe life like happy time feeling like exist hate want go sleep thank letting rant,thought wa getting better wa lying,alcohol 3,572,62,alcohol 3 social medium great fun found lot friend hanging without tonight real fun day go think always think maybe friend help maybe get better lying edge long time exhausted point doe life like happy time feeling like exist hate want go sleep thank letting rant thought wa getting better wa lying
I don’t want to do this anymore,"I have been struggling for a while now. 
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wondered what’s the point of being alive. 
I’ve had good moments, but they have never lasted.

Then I met you. After being alone and lonely for years, I fell in love with you.
You’ve made me happy, you’ve made me sad, you’ve given me confidence, you’ve made me feel awful. 
You’ve played with me. 
You’ve made promises you never intended to keep.
I’ve made choices so we could be together.
I’ve pictured a whole life for us.
And then you’ve changed your mind.
You’ve managed to destroy me. 

I shouldn’t have let you destroy me. I was weak in the first place. 

What’s the point of being alive and being alone? I don’t have you anymore, I don’t have friends. I have work and that’s all. And work gets boring. You don’t live just to work. 

I just feel like I’m ready to give up. I don’t believe it can get better anymore, because if it does get better, it’s only going to get worse afterwards. 

I’m done.",equilibrez,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feel60/i_dont_want_to_do_this_anymore/,struggling long remember always wondered point alive good moment never lasted met alone lonely year fell love made happy made sad given confidence made feel awful played made promise never intended keep made choice could together pictured whole life u changed mind managed destroy let destroy wa weak first place point alive alone anymore friend work work get boring live work feel like ready give believe get better anymore doe get better going get worse afterwards done,want anymore,e qui lib rez,989,31,e qui lib rez struggling long remember always wondered point alive good moment never lasted met alone lonely year fell love made happy made sad given confidence made feel awful played made promise never intended keep made choice could together pictured whole life u changed mind managed destroy let destroy wa weak first place point alive alone anymore friend work work get boring live work feel like ready give believe get better anymore doe get better going get worse afterwards done want anymore
I can’t keep doing this,I’m so tired. I don’t have any friends. I haven’t been going to work. I dropped all of my classes. My therapy doesn’t help. I’m in love with someone I can’t have and it’s eating me up. I literally just stay at home all day now because I never feel good anywhere. My family doesn’t care about me. I’m a failure. I think I’m ready to give up,Creator_of_OP,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefs47/i_cant_keep_doing_this/,tired friend going work dropped class therapy help love someone eating literally stay home day never feel good anywhere family care failure think ready give,keep,creator op,339,23,creator op tired friend going work dropped class therapy help love someone eating literally stay home day never feel good anywhere family care failure think ready give keep
To /u/Ryfflex - if you are still out there. Please let me know.,"About a year ago I made a post on this subreddit looking for someone to talk to.

A user by the name ""Ryfflex"" contacted me. We talked, for a couple of months off and on before my life had gotten too busy and I hadn't had time to check up or get back to you.

I know that you were in a very dark place yourself and that you have since deleted your account (you had mentioned it was a throw away) but I just want to know if you are still out there and if you are still 'okay'.

I know you browsed this subreddit a lot and you always checked up on other people and talked to a ton of others, now I want to check up on you.

Hopefully you have made another account, and hopefully you are able to see this. I just want you to know that I am still here to talk to.

Let me know how you are buddy. Hope to hear from you again soon.",YungDrakken,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fehice/to_uryfflex_if_you_are_still_out_there_please_let/,year ago made post subreddit looking someone talk user name ryfflex contacted talked couple month life gotten busy time check get back know dark place since deleted account mentioned wa throw away want know still still okay know browsed subreddit lot always checked people talked ton others want check hopefully made another account hopefully able see want know still talk let know buddy hope hear soon,u ryfflex still please let know,yung rak ken,825,63,yung rak ken year ago made post subreddit looking someone talk user name ryfflex contacted talked couple month life gotten busy time check get back know dark place since deleted account mentioned wa throw away want know still still okay know browsed subreddit lot always checked people talked ton others want check hopefully made another account hopefully able see want know still talk let know buddy hope hear soon u ryfflex still please let know
Overdosing,"I’m thinking that when I get home today, I’m going to take every pill in my pill bottle of ritalin and talk to my partner for the small amount of time I’ll have left. I’m sick of everything.",jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjetc,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feh8v5/overdosing/,thinking get home today going take every pill pill bottle ritalin talk partner small amount time left sick everything,overdosing,jj jj jj jj jj jj jj jj etc,190,10,jj jj jj jj jj jj jj jj etc thinking get home today going take every pill pill bottle ritalin talk partner small amount time left sick everything overdosing
What is the point of living?,"8 months ago, the love of my life left me. I put everything I had into salvaging the relationship, but in the end even offering to uproot my whole life for her, it wasn't enough. I sunk really low, but I had a friend who helped me through it and did everything in his power to help me out. I went to theropy for a bit but found it far more stressful than useful, so I turned to self help books. I started to think more positively, have a bit, more confidence in my self, and felt like I genuinely self improved. That countied until a few days ago. I got rejected by someone I really cared about, and it didn't go well.

After farther reflection, I haven't made progress on any of the goals I set to fix myself, even though I put in all my effort. My little confidence I gained is shattered. For the last few days, I have though about sueicde a lot, to the point where I don't go into work anymore because there is no point. That friend I had has moved up in life, to the point where I feel if I reach out to him I will just be a burden anyways. I am not close to my family at all, and if they knew I was depressed they would tell me to suck it up. I don't believe in religion, it's likely we live in a computer simulation so nothing will matter if I go. I am going to die alone, so why wait for it to happen naturally?",dumdumdapper,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feawei/what_is_the_point_of_living/,8 month ago love life left put everything salvaging relationship end even offering uproot whole life enough sunk really low friend helped everything power help went theropy bit found far stressful useful turned self help book started think positively bit confidence self felt like genuinely self improved countied day ago got rejected someone really cared go well farther reflection made progress goal set fix even though put effort little confidence gained shattered last day though sueicde lot point go work anymore point friend ha moved life point feel reach burden anyways close family knew wa depressed would tell suck believe religion likely live computer simulation nothing matter go going die alone wait happen naturally,point living,dum dum dapper,1318,28,dum dum dapper 8 month ago love life left put everything salvaging relationship end even offering uproot whole life enough sunk really low friend helped everything power help went theropy bit found far stressful useful turned self help book started think positively bit confidence self felt like genuinely self improved countied day ago got rejected someone really cared go well farther reflection made progress goal set fix even though put effort little confidence gained shattered last day though sueicde lot point go work anymore point friend ha moved life point feel reach burden anyways close family knew wa depressed would tell suck believe religion likely live computer simulation nothing matter go going die alone wait happen naturally point living
I'm going to kill myself tonight.,1130pm sharp tell me some things to do so I dont spend my last hours sobbing in my room,a_newtype_ofpressure,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegyb5/im_going_to_kill_myself_tonight/,1130pm sharp tell thing dont spend last hour sobbing room,going kill tonight,newtype pressure,87,33,newtype pressure 1130pm sharp tell thing dont spend last hour sobbing room going kill tonight
Does anyone else think none of this is real?,"That life is this huge hallucination and that this constant pain you feel is a sign you need to get out of the hallucination and the only way to do it is to kill yourself?

Because I do.",anyoneoutthere75,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegrsm/does_anyone_else_think_none_of_this_is_real/,life huge hallucination constant pain feel sign need get hallucination way kill,doe anyone else think none real,anyone 75,186,44,anyone 75 life huge hallucination constant pain feel sign need get hallucination way kill doe anyone else think none real
birthday blues,"I turn twenty-two soon and things are falling apart. I know I have it better than a lot of people— I have so much to be grateful for. I try to remember those things and keep them front and center. It’s a big year for me and there are so many due dates, deadlines and things to do— But I can hardly bring myself to get out of bed. I just don’t know what the point is, what the end goal is. I feel the only things really keeping me here is my sweet little cat and my mother. I just can’t shake this strange feeling that I am an outsider in everything I do and everywhere I go. I am tired of it and I just want it to stop. 

I feel guilty for existing. It’s like imposter syndrome but for being a person. I feel as though I don’t have the abilities needed to make my dreams come true, to be genuinely loved by someone, to be resilient enough to withstand the heartache I feel now and the heartache that is inevitably to come. I feel too old to still be self harming and feeling like a ghost. I feel like I don’t exist already, but somehow I’m still here. The existential dread is also unbearable and I don’t know how to lift this crushing weight in my chest. I just want to disappear completely.",suicidal-cowboy,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegrfo/birthday_blues/,turn twenty two soon thing falling apart know better lot people much grateful try remember thing keep front center big year many due date deadline thing hardly bring get bed know point end goal feel thing really keeping sweet little cat mother shake strange feeling outsider everything everywhere go tired want stop feel guilty existing like imposter syndrome person feel though ability needed make dream come true genuinely loved someone resilient enough withstand heartache feel heartache inevitably come feel old still self harming feeling like ghost feel like exist already somehow still existential dread also unbearable know lift crushing weight chest want disappear completely,birthday blue,suicidal cowboy,1192,14,suicidal cowboy turn twenty two soon thing falling apart know better lot people much grateful try remember thing keep front center big year many due date deadline thing hardly bring get bed know point end goal feel thing really keeping sweet little cat mother shake strange feeling outsider everything everywhere go tired want stop feel guilty existing like imposter syndrome person feel though ability needed make dream come true genuinely loved someone resilient enough withstand heartache feel heartache inevitably come feel old still self harming feeling like ghost feel like exist already somehow still existential dread also unbearable know lift crushing weight chest want disappear completely birthday blue
Little ways to revitalize your routine.,"Recently, I've realized just how important variety and freshness is in everyday life. I know that many of the tips I will list below are not possible when you are in a particularly dark place, but I thought I'd mention them anyway — perhaps something will be of help to you. Here are a few things that help me keep overwhelming bouts of anxiety and ideation at bay: 

* Push yourself to wake up a little earlier. Stretch slowly with deep breaths and take a walk around your neighborhood as the sky turns rosy-yellow. Try to appreciate the new day; think of something, anything, to look forward to. Return home for a  warm shower and freshly-laundered clothes.
* Sleep a little bit earlier. Wash your sheets and buy a few soft blankets to make your bed into a cozy sanctuary. Allot time for reading or journalling to clear your mind.
* Allot time to cook simple, lovely meals. Steam fresh vegetables, cook some rice, or cut up a fruit salad of apples, bananas, and citrus. Eat mindfully and drink plenty of water. 
* Buy a well-bound journal and a good quality pen. Write down achievable to-do lists, make calendars, note groceries, thoughts, haikus —  anything. Put your thoughts in ink; appreciate daily observations. 
* Reorganize your space, or at least a little section of it. Listen to a nice podcast as you do so. Put your sheets and pillowcase into the laundry. Clear out your shelves and drawers, sort through everything, and replace it all neatly. Light a lovely candle and add some fresh flowers. Open a window or two.
* Buy or borrow a book on any topic which sparks even the slightest interest. Crocheting? Botany? Medieval history? Delving into a new topic just for the sake of it is worthwhile.
* Embrace non-competitive hobbies. This is incredibly important in a product(ivity)-obsessed society which devalues craftsmanship and pure interests. Activities like the following enrich your daily life and force you to set aside some time away from mandatory tasks: needle-felting, gardening, writing (poems, books, articles, blogs), painting, photography, wood-whittling, typography, graphic design, etc. Ensure that whatever you choose, the hobby involves holding the  fruits of your labor in your hands. You do not have to be ""good"" at it –  this is not a career choice. Watching yourself grow and have fun with  it is success in and of itself.

I hope you are doing well — I'm glad you are here, reading this. Wishing you warmth and support.",gatheringmushrooms,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fec1nx/little_ways_to_revitalize_your_routine/,recently realized important variety freshness everyday life know many tip list possible particularly dark place thought mention anyway perhaps something help thing help keep overwhelming bout anxiety ideation bay push wake little earlier stretch slowly deep breath take walk around neighborhood sky turn rosy yellow try appreciate new day think something anything look forward return home warm shower freshly laundered clothes sleep little bit earlier wash sheet buy soft blanket make bed cozy sanctuary allot time reading journalling clear mind allot time cook simple lovely meal steam fresh vegetable cook rice cut fruit salad apple banana citrus eat mindfully drink plenty water buy well bound journal good quality pen write achievable list make calendar note grocery thought haiku anything put thought ink appreciate daily observation reorganize space least little section listen nice podcast put sheet pillowcase laundry clear shelf drawer sort everything replace neatly light lovely candle add fresh flower open window two buy borrow book topic spark even slightest interest crocheting botany medieval history delving new topic sake worthwhile embrace non competitive hobby incredibly important product ivity obsessed society devalues craftsmanship pure interest activity like following enrich daily life force set aside time away mandatory task needle felting gardening writing poem book article blog painting photography wood whittling typography graphic design etc ensure whatever choose hobby involves holding fruit labor hand good career choice watching grow fun success hope well glad reading wishing warmth support,little way revitalize routine,gathering mushroom,2455,39,gathering mushroom recently realized important variety freshness everyday life know many tip list possible particularly dark place thought mention anyway perhaps something help thing help keep overwhelming bout anxiety ideation bay push wake little earlier stretch slowly deep breath take walk around neighborhood sky turn rosy yellow try appreciate new day think something anything look forward return home warm shower freshly laundered clothes sleep little bit earlier wash sheet buy soft blanket make bed cozy sanctuary allot time reading journalling clear mind allot time cook simple lovely meal steam fresh vegetable cook rice cut fruit salad apple banana citrus eat mindfully drink plenty water buy well bound journal good quality pen write achievable list make calendar note grocery thought haiku anything put thought ink appreciate daily observation reorganize space least little section listen nice podcast put sheet pillowcase laundry clear shelf drawer sort everything replace neatly light lovely candle add fresh flower open window two buy borrow book topic spark even slightest interest crocheting botany medieval history delving new topic sake worthwhile embrace non competitive hobby incredibly important product ivity obsessed society devalues craftsmanship pure interest activity like following enrich daily life force set aside time away mandatory task needle felting gardening writing poem book article blog painting photography wood whittling typography graphic design etc ensure whatever choose hobby involves holding fruit labor hand good career choice watching grow fun success hope well glad reading wishing warmth support little way revitalize routine
I‘m too scared to kill myself and it fucks me up big time,"My life is not worth living. 
I am the most destructive person to myself and the ones I love. Everyday looks the same, I go to school, I work, I procrastinate, I stress, I cry, I sleep, I repeat. Every. Day. Is. The. Same and it gets unbearable. I haven’t talked to my therapist for 4 month because it doesn’t help, going inpatient for the 5th time doesn’t help. Nothing helps. And school makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to enjoy literally fucking ANYTHING. I NEVER in my whole life felt this depressed, even though I survived an suicide attempt a few years ago, that doesn’t compare to the depression I am feeling right now and it’s scary. After all these years of therapy I am doing even worse. I just want to lie in my bed and fall asleep and never wake up again. But I am also to scared that people think I don’t try enough or that I am lazy so I put on a mask and pretend, smile, make people laugh, pretend, till I come home and completely destroy my mother with my thoughts and depression. It’s so fucking exhausting. I had such high expectations for my life, I had dreams and hope. I just wanna disappear so badly but I am also scared",emilyluciid,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feghlk/im_too_scared_to_kill_myself_and_it_fucks_me_up/,life worth living destructive person one love everyday look go school work procrastinate stress cry sleep repeat every day get unbearable talked therapist 4 month help going inpatient 5th time help nothing help school make impossible enjoy literally fucking anything never whole life felt depressed even though survived suicide attempt year ago compare depression feeling right scary year therapy even worse want lie bed fall asleep never wake also scared people think try enough lazy put mask pretend smile make people laugh pretend till come home completely destroy mother thought depression fucking exhausting high expectation life dream hope wanna disappear badly also scared,scared kill fuck big time,emily luci id,1136,57,emily luci id life worth living destructive person one love everyday look go school work procrastinate stress cry sleep repeat every day get unbearable talked therapist 4 month help going inpatient 5th time help nothing help school make impossible enjoy literally fucking anything never whole life felt depressed even though survived suicide attempt year ago compare depression feeling right scary year therapy even worse want lie bed fall asleep never wake also scared people think try enough lazy put mask pretend smile make people laugh pretend till come home completely destroy mother thought depression fucking exhausting high expectation life dream hope wanna disappear badly also scared scared kill fuck big time
Gave my note to my family yesterday,I kind of don't know what to do now,CovertGamesINC,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feehuc/gave_my_note_to_my_family_yesterday/,kind know,gave note family yesterday,covert game inc,35,35,covert game inc kind know gave note family yesterday
"Feeling like there’s no point, scared of the future.","I just feel like it’s always something with me. I’m not doing anything big or exciting or impactful. I’m turning 25 in a few days, I’m married to a good man who loves me but we’ve struggled with communication and compatibility so we’ve been in therapy working on it. It’s hard work. He’s worth it, I love him, I’m in love with him, he’s my best friend and partner, but I didn’t think it would be this hard. Nobody talks about how hard being a couple is, it’s all “it shouldn’t be hard with the right person” and that makes me feel like a failure. I feel like a failure in everything in my life. I can’t keep a job, I’m currently unemployed and have no skills or qualifications in anything that is even remotely interesting to me. I hate not contributing financially and we’re struggling. We can barely eat right now, it’s humiliating. And it’s my fault. I struggle with infertility, all we want is to start our family. I can’t even do that. I never finished college and I have the debt to remind me every day. It’s not going to get easier. I’m an adult. Nothing significant is going to change and make things easier. I’ll never have the life I dream of, so what’s the point?

I’ve overcome so much with anxiety and OCD. But it’s still here and it really burns me out sometimes. I keep thinking about my future and how scary it is to age. I’m not afraid of dying, but I’m afraid of ceasing to exist if that makes sense. Who will be there at the end? Will I get sick? Will my husband? We could be in accidents, I could lose him to something traumatic, anything could happen. How do people live their whole lives? Becoming 40 feels so unrealistic. 

I just don’t understand why I should keep doing this. I always have some kind of problem that’s insignificant compared to the suffering of others. But here I am feeling sorry for myself on the internet. What is the point?",a-single-dult,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feb3w6/feeling_like_theres_no_point_scared_of_the_future/,feel like always something anything big exciting impactful turning 25 day married good man love struggled communication compatibility therapy working hard work worth love love best friend partner think would hard nobody talk hard couple hard right person make feel like failure feel like failure everything life keep job currently unemployed skill qualification anything even remotely interesting hate contributing financially struggling barely eat right humiliating fault struggle infertility want start family even never finished college debt remind every day going get easier adult nothing significant going change make thing easier never life dream point overcome much anxiety ocd still really burn sometimes keep thinking future scary age afraid dying afraid ceasing exist make sense end get sick husband could accident could lose something traumatic anything could happen people live whole life becoming 40 feel unrealistic understand keep always kind problem insignificant compared suffering others feeling sorry internet point,feeling like point scared future,single du lt,1868,52,single du lt feel like always something anything big exciting impactful turning 25 day married good man love struggled communication compatibility therapy working hard work worth love love best friend partner think would hard nobody talk hard couple hard right person make feel like failure feel like failure everything life keep job currently unemployed skill qualification anything even remotely interesting hate contributing financially struggling barely eat right humiliating fault struggle infertility want start family even never finished college debt remind every day going get easier adult nothing significant going change make thing easier never life dream point overcome much anxiety ocd still really burn sometimes keep thinking future scary age afraid dying afraid ceasing exist make sense end get sick husband could accident could lose something traumatic anything could happen people live whole life becoming 40 feel unrealistic understand keep always kind problem insignificant compared suffering others feeling sorry internet point feeling like point scared future
Despresso,"Hi, I am having a v intense realization that I’ve been depressed for a very long time. Though you wouldn’t think that if you met me. Every day I slap on a smile and ask myself, “what kind of beauty am I going to see today?” and I allow life to flow. People say I’m so nice and so happy, so fun and charming. I had gotten so good at it I had even convinced myself for the passed 10yrs that I’ve been happy. Truth is though I don’t think I’d know happiness if it hit me in the face. 
I think I’ve been depressed since young childhood, coming from a wildly dysfunctional military home, being constantly bullied, I turned to sex drugs and alcohol at a very young age in order to cope. Now I’m 25, in a big city, feeling more isolated than ever. I work two jobs, I was going to university but decided to drop out to do a trade. I decided to be poly because I felt so lonely in monogamous relationships but poly has been nothing but heartache. I live with a close friend who doesn’t clean at all and constantly has his girl friend over even tho he works nights and she has her own apartment. I don’t know how to set boundaries because no one has ever respected them. I’ve been in and out of therapy (currently out but I guess almost back in). I’ve been assaulted and abused. My cat has never cuddled me. I don’t know how to make deep connections with people or how to keep friendships. Then I think about the state of the world and feel so helpless and hopeless. There is no point. I fantasize about dying every single day, I think about ending my life every single day. I am so incredibly miserable, I’m so incredibly tired. I want to go to sleep and never wake up ever again.",klinc0,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feda84/despresso/,hi v intense realization depressed long time though think met every day slap smile ask kind beauty going see today allow life flow people say nice happy fun charming gotten good even convinced passed 10yrs happy truth though think know happiness hit face think depressed since young childhood coming wildly dysfunctional military home constantly bullied turned sex drug alcohol young age order cope 25 big city feeling isolated ever work two job wa going university decided drop trade decided poly felt lonely monogamous relationship poly ha nothing heartache live close friend clean constantly ha girl friend even tho work night ha apartment know set boundary one ha ever respected therapy currently guess almost back assaulted abused cat ha never cuddled know make deep connection people keep friendship think state world feel helpless hopeless point fantasize dying every single day think ending life every single day incredibly miserable incredibly tired want go sleep never wake ever,despresso,klin c 0,1671,9,klin c 0 hi v intense realization depressed long time though think met every day slap smile ask kind beauty going see today allow life flow people say nice happy fun charming gotten good even convinced passed 10yrs happy truth though think know happiness hit face think depressed since young childhood coming wildly dysfunctional military home constantly bullied turned sex drug alcohol young age order cope 25 big city feeling isolated ever work two job wa going university decided drop trade decided poly felt lonely monogamous relationship poly ha nothing heartache live close friend clean constantly ha girl friend even tho work night ha apartment know set boundary one ha ever respected therapy currently guess almost back assaulted abused cat ha never cuddled know make deep connection people keep friendship think state world feel helpless hopeless point fantasize dying every single day think ending life every single day incredibly miserable incredibly tired want go sleep never wake ever despresso
"If I had a gun, I’d blow my fucking brains out right now",emptypost,CGM2004,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecg6p/if_i_had_a_gun_id_blow_my_fucking_brains_out/,emptypost,gun blow fucking brain right,c gm 2004,9,56,c gm 2004 emptypost gun blow fucking brain right
Hi.,k̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅk̷̡̧̛̛̹̤͍̙͈̩̩̱̗̦̹̭̦͍̼̦̪̮̰͕̥̦͍̘̠͇̬̦̝̲̱̣͉̞̜͉̪̀͒̏͌̂͋̎̈͗̈́̀̾̃́͒͌̽͂̔͋̓̉̊͑̍͌͛̔̔̎̈́̅̇̅͂̑͗͑̍̉͋͛̓͊͒̃̈́̓̈́̈́̕̕͘͘͠͠i̷̧̧̨̨̲̘͍̖̥̙̳̟̮͎͉͔̙͈̲̪͍͚̥̱̼̥̝̻̖̪̲̞͙̼̩̩͙̱͇̘̊̾͒͋̑̈́̐͆̈͛̈́̎̈́̊̄̄̎̀̃̀̃͛͐͂̈́̉̅́̌͐͊̈̒̑̒̑́̌̀̌̉͌̅̌̆̂͋̓̈́̕͠͠͝l̵̨̦̬̝̮͈͕̮͓̙͍͍̥͔̱̫̟̼̺͉̯̜͎̠͚̬͉̝̘͕̮͔̪̂̀̐̓͗̂̿̀͛͐͗̿̏̉̈͘̕̚͜͜ͅͅͅl̷̢̧̢̨̡̲̫͔̫̰̭̮̦̲͓͍̦̮̦͕̳̳̞̠̩̘̠̤̮͈͖̩̺͔̮͕͙̤̤̟̺̫̘͚̤̮̦͇̩͓͚̠͎͎̖͓̘̇̀̎̋͆̓̎͋͛͌͋̔̚͜͜͜ͅͅ ̶̟̱̰̰̭̹̺̪̯̣̱̳̔̾́̀̊̈͐́̈́͑̀̇̀͊̿̌͌ͅm̷̡̨̛̛͙͙̻͍̥̦̦̗͙̟̯͇͓̘͓̱̗͙͉̟͓̲͇̰͇̭͎͙͕̘̻̖̥̬̉̋͛͗̋͂͑͊͋̀̉̎͌̿̎̓̿̓̎͗̆̀̄̋́͛̊̔͆̅̑̿̾̿̅̄̀̈́̓̒̎̒͂̃̊̈́͐̈́̚͘̕͠͝͠͝e̵̯̟̻͉̹̬̱͎̼͇͇͇͙̅̅̃ͅ ̷̳̭̫̈̿̈͑̈́͝n̴̨̨̨̨̫̗͕͚̱͚̖͖͖̥̠̺͙̩̩͓͎͖̪̼̤̲̩̹̖̱͕̄́́̆͠ơ̴̡̳̜̠̖̼̖͔̥̍̇̒͂̈́͒̔͛͋͑̏̉̀̈́̌̂̎̉́̊̊̔͊̇̍̍̒̐͆̿̊̍̇͐̈́̉̈͌̔̈́̐̋̊̿̿̓̇̉͒̈̊̕͘͝͝͠͝͝ẅ̵̧̡̢̢̩͎̳̲̳̻̯̝̦̻̜̦̹̳͚͈͙̠̖̗͔̹̩̰̇͊̐̇̉̐̐̒̀͌̐̏́̿̂̄͘̚̚͝ͅ,themclarenlover,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegbq3/hi/,k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w,hi,mclaren lover,24586,3,mclaren lover k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w k l l e n w hi
"Just told my mom my feelings and she said ""we made life too easy for you""","Im just so done. Her comment threw me into a spiral and Im not doing well mentally. I have no support system outside of her or my dad, so idk what to do anymore. Im thinking of quitting school since Ive been doing college work for 3 years and Im nowhere close to a degree yet - Im still in CC.",MountainWolverine0,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe3rda/just_told_my_mom_my_feelings_and_she_said_we_made/,im done comment threw spiral im well mentally support system outside dad idk anymore im thinking quitting school since ive college work 3 year im nowhere close degree yet im still cc,told mom feeling said made life easy,mountain wolverine 0,293,73,mountain wolverine 0 im done comment threw spiral im well mentally support system outside dad idk anymore im thinking quitting school since ive college work 3 year im nowhere close degree yet im still cc told mom feeling said made life easy
This world is a joke.,emptypost,crybaby1577,11,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe3uns/this_world_is_a_joke/,emptypost,world joke,crybaby 1577,9,21,crybaby 1577 emptypost world joke
I think I will be alone forever,"After being in such a long, unhealthy and abusive relationship, I have been dating again. 

At first I was optimistic. At this point, after so many dates that went nowhere, I don't think I will ever find someone to be with for the rest of my life. I haven't felt like I really clicked with anyone. The men who seem to have the right qualities aren't interested in me.   

Nobody normal is interested in dating a disabled person, even when it's an invisible disability. Even being attractive can't overcome that. I have no career because I got sick. Nobody wants to deal with that. 

I'm tired of seeing everyone else in happy marriages with families. It just reminds me that I'm not good enough and won't ever be. I'd rather just die than be alone for the rest of my life.

I have a lot of great qualities and a lot of love to give. Just no one to share any of it with. I feel like today might be a bad day for me. Hopefully I can keep myself from ending it all.",lonelylavender,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fec9vu/i_think_i_will_be_alone_forever/,long unhealthy abusive relationship dating first wa optimistic point many date went nowhere think ever find someone rest life felt like really clicked anyone men seem right quality interested nobody normal interested dating disabled person even invisible disability even attractive overcome career got sick nobody want deal tired seeing everyone else happy marriage family reminds good enough ever rather die alone rest life lot great quality lot love give one share feel like today might bad day hopefully keep ending,think alone forever,lonely lavender,962,31,lonely lavender long unhealthy abusive relationship dating first wa optimistic point many date went nowhere think ever find someone rest life felt like really clicked anyone men seem right quality interested nobody normal interested dating disabled person even invisible disability even attractive overcome career got sick nobody want deal tired seeing everyone else happy marriage family reminds good enough ever rather die alone rest life lot great quality lot love give one share feel like today might bad day hopefully keep ending think alone forever
The thought of having another birthday...,"Another shitty summer, another Christmas...I can't do it. I lost my job. Most friends are gone. Parents don't speak to me. Most recent humiliation was a guy from my past. Noone loves me. I wanna go.",lanakane55,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feavte/the_thought_of_having_another_birthday/,another shitty summer another christmas lost job friend gone parent speak recent humiliation wa guy past noone love wanna go,thought another birthday,lana kane 55,198,41,lana kane 55 another shitty summer another christmas lost job friend gone parent speak recent humiliation wa guy past noone love wanna go thought another birthday
I want to die,"I'm afraid of the future, of tommorrow",lostluos,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecxon/i_want_to_die/,afraid future tommorrow,want die,lost luo,38,13,lost luo afraid future tommorrow want die
I think I’m ready,emptypost,___horse___,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fedy44/i_think_im_ready/,emptypost,think ready,horse,9,17,horse emptypost think ready
No one cares, No one cares... When parents go I’ll go,lovestar777111,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/febyqt/no_one_cares/,one care parent go go,one care,love star 777111,40,12,love star 777111 one care parent go go one care
I dont know what to write here,To kill myself if im ugly?,veelw,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefj6m/i_dont_know_what_to_write_here/,kill im ugly,dont know write,vee lw,26,30,vee lw kill im ugly dont know write
It’s not okay.,"The other day I realised that how I felt wasn’t just my pain it was my mother’s too. 

I haven’t felt suicidal for about a year now, in fact after recent medical problems all I’ve wanted to do is live a normal life. I have always been a sad person, naturally and I suppose this can take a toll on the people around you but it was only the other night that I saw just how much it could. 

Every night my mother stands outside my door and says “Goodnight love you sweet pea” to which I ALWAYS reply. Except this night I had a headache so I forgot about staying up later than my parents so I could check all the doors were locked. Instead at around 9 I went to sleep. About half an hour and a half later when my mum was going to bed I woke to see her standing at my door. I was half asleep so I said “I’m trying to sleep” and she apologised and went to bed

The next morning I questioned her on why she stood at my door and she said “Every night I say goodnight and it’s not just to remind you it’s for me to check you’re still alive but last night you didn’t respond and I went to go to bed but I stopped went back an said goodnight through the door again and you didn’t answer so I opened the door and thought oh she’s asleep but then as I walked a way a voice in my head said you were dead so I stood at your door waiting to see you breathe. 

The point is even though I moved on and that I haven’t felt depressed for over a year my mother still does every single day. No mother should have to worry like that. It’s not selfish and I’m not saying that I’m just saying that it’s not okay.",Lorelai-Diormand,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/febvty/its_not_okay/,day realised felt pain wa mother felt suicidal year fact recent medical problem wanted live normal life always sad person naturally suppose take toll people around wa night saw much could every night mother stand outside door say goodnight love sweet pea always reply except night headache forgot staying later parent could check door locked instead around 9 went sleep half hour half later mum wa going bed woke see standing door wa half asleep said trying sleep apologised went bed next morning questioned stood door said every night say goodnight remind check still alive last night respond went go bed stopped went back said goodnight door answer opened door thought oh asleep walked way voice head said dead stood door waiting see breathe point even though moved felt depressed year mother still doe every single day mother worry like selfish saying saying okay,okay,lorelai dior,1587,14,lorelai dior day realised felt pain wa mother felt suicidal year fact recent medical problem wanted live normal life always sad person naturally suppose take toll people around wa night saw much could every night mother stand outside door say goodnight love sweet pea always reply except night headache forgot staying later parent could check door locked instead around 9 went sleep half hour half later mum wa going bed woke see standing door wa half asleep said trying sleep apologised went bed next morning questioned stood door said every night say goodnight remind check still alive last night respond went go bed stopped went back said goodnight door answer opened door thought oh asleep walked way voice head said dead stood door waiting see breathe point even though moved felt depressed year mother still doe every single day mother worry like selfish saying saying okay okay
I'm hanging myself tomorrow,"I reached my limit, nothing helps anymore, I tried everything I could get my hands on. My family doesn't even believe in depression. I'm just a big fat dumb loser, but it doesn't matter anymore, because tomorrow I'll put an end to all of this.

I don't know why I'm even posting this, I'm so desperate that I've reached out to Reddit hoping that by some miracle Reddit would have a solution to my problem. Eitherway have a goodnight.",Joanh9000,41,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6494/im_hanging_myself_tomorrow/,reached limit nothing help anymore tried everything could get hand family even believe depression big fat dumb loser matter anymore tomorrow put end know even posting desperate reached reddit hoping miracle reddit would solution problem eitherway goodnight,hanging tomorrow,joan h 9000,433,27,joan h 9000 reached limit nothing help anymore tried everything could get hand family even believe depression big fat dumb loser matter anymore tomorrow put end know even posting desperate reached reddit hoping miracle reddit would solution problem eitherway goodnight hanging tomorrow
There is nothing left of me,"This is my first ever post on reddit. A friend of mine said I should post here and I’ve been finding every excuse not to but I am afraid that I have nothing left so why not? Here goes....I’ve literally given everything I have to my marriage and I’m not getting anything in return. We have 4 amazing children together  and they are everything to me but often times I feel like it’s only a matter of time before they realize I’m not worth their time and they too move on from me. I found out my wife was cheating on me and for some reason I still wanted to work things out with her. Well fast forward 4 months later and things are happening with another guy. Every confrontation about it is basically flipped and I’m made to feel like this is all my fault. I’ve never cheated on her and I’ve never thought about it a single time. I’m feeling so low that I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like a stranger in my own home. People tell me to think of my children but what good is that when you truly believe they will be better off without you? I’m not worth trying to make a marriage work so why would I be worth it to them? They didn’t even choose me. I attempted suicide before, just before Christmas. My sister-in-law found me and called 911 and I ended up in a hospital for a week. I promised I would never let that happen again but I just can’t help the thoughts coming back. I don’t see a way out and I have nothing left to give.",Paroxysm316,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9xri/there_is_nothing_left_of_me/,first ever post reddit friend mine said post finding every excuse afraid nothing left go literally given everything marriage getting anything return 4 amazing child together everything often time feel like matter time realize worth time move found wife wa cheating reason still wanted work thing well fast forward 4 month later thing happening another guy every confrontation basically flipped made feel like fault never cheated never thought single time feeling low want anymore feel like stranger home people tell think child good truly believe better without worth trying make marriage work would worth even choose attempted suicide christmas sister law found called 911 ended hospital week promised would never let happen help thought coming back see way nothing left give,nothing left,paroxysm 316,1436,27,paroxysm 316 first ever post reddit friend mine said post finding every excuse afraid nothing left go literally given everything marriage getting anything return 4 amazing child together everything often time feel like matter time realize worth time move found wife wa cheating reason still wanted work thing well fast forward 4 month later thing happening another guy every confrontation basically flipped made feel like fault never cheated never thought single time feeling low want anymore feel like stranger home people tell think child good truly believe better without worth trying make marriage work would worth even choose attempted suicide christmas sister law found called 911 ended hospital week promised would never let happen help thought coming back see way nothing left give nothing left
"If you're reading this, it's too late..","I'm already sending good vibes and love your way. There's no way to stop my affection towards you. You're valid and loved! Hang in there bud, don't give up yet.",CaptainSparklez3778,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fehymw/if_youre_reading_this_its_too_late/,already sending good vibe love way way stop affection towards valid loved hang bud give yet,reading late,captain park lez 3778,160,39,captain park lez 3778 already sending good vibe love way way stop affection towards valid loved hang bud give yet reading late
I want to die,My offer to my dream university was just declined. I don't know what i'm going to do now. I was so sure. I'm broken.,diktatura,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fehwk3/i_want_to_die/,offer dream university wa declined know going wa sure broken,want die,diktat ura,116,13,diktat ura offer dream university wa declined know going wa sure broken want die
Ty you all for help,"I will try to fix everything. Your words save me a life. You are best community ever. I will ask help to my Wife’s husband. He is pretty good and rich man. Reddit I love u <3. I was too scared to ask help but u help me to realize life doesn’t end, when u lost money’s.And i wanna give advice for everyone who lost any hope for some reason(lost girlfriend,money, who scared to tell relatives about orientation or tired to live or something else) when I’m step on edge of roof.  I Understand life doesn’t end when u lose something important to u, life end when u decide to give up. So pls never give up. U must live whatever it takes. Any complexity is just a step that you must overcom, if you can get it alone just ask for help and in the whole world will be one person who can help u to resolve it. Good luck buddies",Sinigamic1,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feeexy/ty_you_all_for_help/,try fix everything word save life best community ever ask help wife husband pretty good rich man reddit love u lt 3 wa scared ask help u help realize life end u lost money wanna give advice everyone lost hope reason lost girlfriend money scared tell relative orientation tired live something else step edge roof understand life end u lose something important u life end u decide give pls never give u must live whatever take complexity step must overcom get alone ask help whole world one person help u resolve good luck buddy,ty help,iga mic 1,820,19,iga mic 1 try fix everything word save life best community ever ask help wife husband pretty good rich man reddit love u lt 3 wa scared ask help u help realize life end u lost money wanna give advice everyone lost hope reason lost girlfriend money scared tell relative orientation tired live something else step edge roof understand life end u lose something important u life end u decide give pls never give u must live whatever take complexity step must overcom get alone ask help whole world one person help u resolve good luck buddy ty help
IM ABOUT To kill my self help,emptypost,myusernameisunknown1,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fehrt0/im_about_to_kill_my_self_help/,emptypost,im kill self help,username unknown 1,9,29,username unknown 1 emptypost im kill self help
I’m always freaking out,I have so many voices yelling in my head wanting to come out I’m just stuttering when I trying and let them I feel insane,ThePurpleSaint1,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feed7u/im_always_freaking_out/,many voice yelling head wanting come stuttering trying let feel insane,always freaking,purple saint 1,121,23,purple saint 1 many voice yelling head wanting come stuttering trying let feel insane always freaking
Anyone here create any art relating to suicide?,Or links to writing/drawings/painting/animation from first hand experience? [Here is mine from a while ago](http://urbanminis.com/sample/dream1.jpg).,strangedigital,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fehqor/anyone_here_create_any_art_relating_to_suicide/,link writing drawing painting animation first hand experience mine ago http urbanminis com sample dream1 jpg,anyone create art relating suicide,strange digital,149,47,strange digital link writing drawing painting animation first hand experience mine ago http urbanminis com sample dream1 jpg anyone create art relating suicide
Suicidal thoughts. Please help if you can.,"For a few months it's been overwhelming. I've lost multiple friends in the last two months alone due to how I act. I dont think I'm exactly wrong, but I only kept about 2 to 3 friends and now they just wont contact me. I feel insignificant contacting them because I've only gotten a response once or twice. I'm falling out of my work schedule, every night thinking of how I would end myself until i realize I'm thinking about it. The past six months have been so hard on me, and I'm only 20. I know i have many years more to live but it feels so hopeless as i think that I'm gonna die one day, why keep feeling like this forever? I feel like I have no hold over my life, I cant stay in one place for long, much less keep a steady job. In the moment I just say fuck it and quit and move on to another, I dropped out and am an alcoholic. I cant clean because it feels hopeless as well, everything just piles up until I'm at this point, and this time i dont know if i can move on. My dreams are repetitive and of the same person, and i cant shake that no matter what i try. Right now just seems like the time to save my family the pain of doing it later and just ending it. I dont know what to do. I want to make an impact on the world but know the chances are oh so slim, and it seems a lot easier to die.",PaulCorporations,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fehqcz/suicidal_thoughts_please_help_if_you_can/,month overwhelming lost multiple friend last two month alone due act dont think exactly wrong kept 2 3 friend wont contact feel insignificant contacting gotten response twice falling work schedule every night thinking would end realize thinking past six month hard 20 know many year live feel hopeless think gonna die one day keep feeling like forever feel like hold life cant stay one place long much le keep steady job moment say fuck quit move another dropped alcoholic cant clean feel hopeless well everything pile point time dont know move dream repetitive person cant shake matter try right seems like time save family pain later ending dont know want make impact world know chance oh slim seems lot easier die,suicidal thought please help,paul corporation,1303,42,paul corporation month overwhelming lost multiple friend last two month alone due act dont think exactly wrong kept 2 3 friend wont contact feel insignificant contacting gotten response twice falling work schedule every night thinking would end realize thinking past six month hard 20 know many year live feel hopeless think gonna die one day keep feeling like forever feel like hold life cant stay one place long much le keep steady job moment say fuck quit move another dropped alcoholic cant clean feel hopeless well everything pile point time dont know move dream repetitive person cant shake matter try right seems like time save family pain later ending dont know want make impact world know chance oh slim seems lot easier die suicidal thought please help
I'm going to be a bad mom anyway so I may as well die.,"I had a baby recently and regret ever getting pregnant so much. My PTSD is back after giving birth full force and my life is unlivable. My body is ruined. Maybe i'm stupid but I didn't know it would destroy my body or I would have aborted. And I know that's horrible and sounds super vain. But it's not vain. I don't care how i look in clothes or what other people think of how I look. I just need to feel comfortable in my body and like it belongs to me. And I don't. As a result I can't not wear a bra even in my own home because I have so much anxiety about it. Even if it's just me and the baby at home. So i'm always uncomfortable. If someone rings the buzzer i jump and scream. I can't let my partner see my body at all. The thought sends me into a panic attack. So we can't shower together, I sleep fully clothed, I have to go to a different room to change and close the door. No sex ever again. I know he's just going to hate me one day and leave anyway because me being so messed up will drive him away. I can't live my life like this. I can't be a mom like this. 

I'm waiting to talk to my therapist again on Monday to explain it all and see if he can help with the PTSD. I have ppd too but that's not even a big deal. I have had PTSD and depression all my life. I can cope with some moderate depression. But these body issues I will never be able to get over. 

I'm waiting to see how my body ""settles"" but that's going to take 6 months to 2 years. If I can't live with it i'm going to kill myself. I can't live the rest of my life like this in agony every day. It's only been 2 months but I don't know how much longer I can wait.  I don't know if I can make it to 6 months.",waitingwaitress,33,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9u0x/im_going_to_be_a_bad_mom_anyway_so_i_may_as_well/,baby recently regret ever getting pregnant much ptsd back giving birth full force life unlivable body ruined maybe stupid know would destroy body would aborted know horrible sound super vain vain care look clothes people think look need feel comfortable body like belongs result wear bra even home much anxiety even baby home always uncomfortable someone ring buzzer jump scream let partner see body thought sends panic attack shower together sleep fully clothed go different room change close door sex ever know going hate one day leave anyway messed drive away live life like mom like waiting talk therapist monday explain see help ptsd ppd even big deal ptsd depression life cope moderate depression body issue never able get waiting see body settle going take 6 month 2 year live going kill live rest life like agony every day 2 month know much longer wait know make 6 month,going bad mom anyway may well die,waiting waitress,1686,54,waiting waitress baby recently regret ever getting pregnant much ptsd back giving birth full force life unlivable body ruined maybe stupid know would destroy body would aborted know horrible sound super vain vain care look clothes people think look need feel comfortable body like belongs result wear bra even home much anxiety even baby home always uncomfortable someone ring buzzer jump scream let partner see body thought sends panic attack shower together sleep fully clothed go different room change close door sex ever know going hate one day leave anyway messed drive away live life like mom like waiting talk therapist monday explain see help ptsd ppd even big deal ptsd depression life cope moderate depression body issue never able get waiting see body settle going take 6 month 2 year live going kill live rest life like agony every day 2 month know much longer wait know make 6 month going bad mom anyway may well die
"I’m drained and tired, I think I’m going to go tonight.","I’ve said my goodbyes. I think I’m ready and I broke up with my boyfriend, hopefully since he’ll find out later and/or not at all or won’t hurt him. I just have no more energy left for the life I’m living.",idontwannagonow,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fehokn/im_drained_and_tired_i_think_im_going_to_go/,said goodbye think ready broke boyfriend hopefully since find later hurt energy left life living,drained tired think going go tonight,dont wanna go,205,55,dont wanna go said goodbye think ready broke boyfriend hopefully since find later hurt energy left life living drained tired think going go tonight
Need someome to chat,Title..,celestialJava,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fee18y/need_someome_to_chat/,title,need someome chat,celestial java,7,20,celestial java title need someome chat
Electrocution,"What kind of wiring should I be using?
How long should pass till I get to the point that no one can resuscitate me after doing it?
 Help much appreciated.",kokokiki999,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fee0y5/electrocution/,kind wiring using long pas till get point one resuscitate help much appreciated,electrocution,koko kiki 999,154,13,koko kiki 999 kind wiring using long pas till get point one resuscitate help much appreciated electrocution
Which cleaning products can be mixed to create hydrogen sulfide?,emptypost,peee-poopy-pee-head,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feh6tp/which_cleaning_products_can_be_mixed_to_create/,emptypost,cleaning product mixed create hydrogen sulfide,pee e poop pee head,9,64,pee e poop pee head emptypost cleaning product mixed create hydrogen sulfide
Can I have a happy life? I want to have a life where I can enjoy what's going on but my sensitivity puts me down way too often.,emptypost,cheesiemilk,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecegj/can_i_have_a_happy_life_i_want_to_have_a_life/,emptypost,happy life want life enjoy going sensitivity put way often,chee sie milk,9,127,chee sie milk emptypost happy life want life enjoy going sensitivity put way often
...,"Sometimes i feel i left one bad situation, just to be stuck in another.",cassie7189,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecdwx/_/,sometimes feel left one bad situation stuck another,,cassie 7189,71,3,cassie 7189 sometimes feel left one bad situation stuck another 
i want to die,"a while ago i realised i might have muscular dystrophy, which means i am going to have a slow and depressing death. not too long from now i wont be able to walk, i'm going to loose my favoured hand. 

because of this i fell off on my school work last semester and failed more than half of my modules which means my sponsor cutting me off, but i cant afford to pay on my own.

i haven't told my single mother yet and this is stressing me out and now am seriously considering suicide",otaku_beastboy,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feduc4/i_want_to_die/,ago realised might muscular dystrophy mean going slow depressing death long wont able walk going loose favoured hand fell school work last semester failed half module mean sponsor cutting cant afford pay told single mother yet stressing seriously considering suicide,want die,otaku beast boy,481,13,otaku beast boy ago realised might muscular dystrophy mean going slow depressing death long wont able walk going loose favoured hand fell school work last semester failed half module mean sponsor cutting cant afford pay told single mother yet stressing seriously considering suicide want die
Feeling like I'm just passing time until I die,"By nature of my mental health conditions, I'm someone who doesnt really have any aspirations in life and even if I did I wouldnt have the energy or stability to achieve it, as has proven to be the case in the past. I wouldnt say im depressed but more just apathetic and accepting of the thought that nothing will change, that this is as good as it gets. I've experienced all that I've wanted to experience so what more is there to do except wait to die? 

Im not interested in marriage, children or any type of career. I just spend all day sleeping, eating and watching TV which is getting boring after doing it for several years. It wouldnt be so bad if I could enjoy some of my solitary hobbies that I used to enjoy but now I just pick something up and then lose interest within a few minutes. It just feels like I'm delaying the inevitable at this point as I dont know how many more years I can put up with doing the same old crap until something other than myself kills me.

I feel guilty for thinking it but I just wish that my 2 family members that I'm close to would die just so that I can't feel guilty in my last moments about leaving them with grief. Then again, I know it'd be a relief for them in a way knowing that I wont be hopelessly trying to survive without them in this life. It's becoming easier to see the potential positives to me killing myself compared to the negatives. 

What's worse is that I'm transgender and have completed my transition (F>M) but rather than it being a lease of life, its become more like a 'phew, at least now I can die in peace' type of situation. So theres a peaceful element involved now which makes it all the more tempting.

Im just progressively finding it harder to see a point in living and it doesn't seem like anything is able to change it at this point",shadow-spirit,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feauzb/feeling_like_im_just_passing_time_until_i_die/,nature mental health condition someone doesnt really aspiration life even wouldnt energy stability achieve ha proven case past wouldnt say im depressed apathetic accepting thought nothing change good get experienced wanted experience except wait die im interested marriage child type career spend day sleeping eating watching tv getting boring several year wouldnt bad could enjoy solitary hobby used enjoy pick something lose interest within minute feel like delaying inevitable point dont know many year put old crap something kill feel guilty thinking wish 2 family member close would die feel guilty last moment leaving grief know relief way knowing wont hopelessly trying survive without life becoming easier see potential positive killing compared negative worse transgender completed transition f gt rather lease life become like phew least die peace type situation peaceful element involved make tempting im progressively finding harder see point living seem like anything able change point,feeling like passing time die,shadow spirit,1813,46,shadow spirit nature mental health condition someone doesnt really aspiration life even wouldnt energy stability achieve ha proven case past wouldnt say im depressed apathetic accepting thought nothing change good get experienced wanted experience except wait die im interested marriage child type career spend day sleeping eating watching tv getting boring several year wouldnt bad could enjoy solitary hobby used enjoy pick something lose interest within minute feel like delaying inevitable point dont know many year put old crap something kill feel guilty thinking wish 2 family member close would die feel guilty last moment leaving grief know relief way knowing wont hopelessly trying survive without life becoming easier see potential positive killing compared negative worse transgender completed transition f gt rather lease life become like phew least die peace type situation peaceful element involved make tempting im progressively finding harder see point living seem like anything able change point feeling like passing time die
Text Resource In US,Is there a free texting service where I can chat with someone in the US without actually having to talk?,sadbaymax,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feh2g9/text_resource_in_us/,free texting service chat someone u without actually talk,text resource u,sad bay max,104,19,sad bay max free texting service chat someone u without actually talk text resource u
At the end of this year i planned to kill myself but i dont think im gonna make it.,"For the last 7 years ive had horrible stomach problems, i throw up atleast 4 days every week, i feel nauseous constantly, i have a ton of pain in my stomach, and after all these years ive gotten so malnourished and worn out that every part of my body is in pain. Ive seen numerous Gi specialists who have all told me that im in perfect health, despite their best efforts nothing they have tried has ever worked. The last specialist i saw basically told me that everything had been tried and there was nothing left for him to do, he gave me a few meds to try but they didnt help at all. Ive been seeking help with my mental health for over 5 years but in the end everyone ive seen has either dismissed me immediately or kicked me out after a year of not helping. The last time i tried to get help i ended up getting seen for maybe 5 minutes then told i had mild depression and given a recommendation to take back to my GP. The final nail in the coffin was yesterday when i went to see an ENT after over a year of waiting, ive had what i thought was sinusitis but just like every other doctor he told me i was perfectly healthy and that he couldnt help me. Honestly the ""sinus infection"" was the one thing i thought i actually understood but now that even that isnt real my mind just feels shattered. I thought i could atleast make it through the year, hopefully see another specialist and try even more tests but now i just cant see the point. All its going to bring is more frustration and depression, i feel like i should just do everyone a favor and kill myself. Everyone would be much better off without a piece of shit like me around, i know my parents would be upset for a while but in the end they would be far more happy if i was gone. Anyways i know nobody gives a shit but i just needed a place to vent.",tossum52,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegzul/at_the_end_of_this_year_i_planned_to_kill_myself/,last 7 year ive horrible stomach problem throw atleast 4 day every week feel nauseous constantly ton pain stomach year ive gotten malnourished worn every part body pain ive seen numerous gi specialist told im perfect health despite best effort nothing tried ha ever worked last specialist saw basically told everything tried wa nothing left gave med try didnt help ive seeking help mental health 5 year end everyone ive seen ha either dismissed immediately kicked year helping last time tried get help ended getting seen maybe 5 minute told mild depression given recommendation take back gp final nail coffin wa yesterday went see ent year waiting ive thought wa sinusitis like every doctor told wa perfectly healthy couldnt help honestly sinus infection wa one thing thought actually understood even isnt real mind feel shattered thought could atleast make year hopefully see another specialist try even test cant see point going bring frustration depression feel like everyone favor kill everyone would much better without piece shit like around know parent would upset end would far happy wa gone anyways know nobody give shit needed place vent,end year planned kill dont think im gonna make,sum 52,1812,83,sum 52 last 7 year ive horrible stomach problem throw atleast 4 day every week feel nauseous constantly ton pain stomach year ive gotten malnourished worn every part body pain ive seen numerous gi specialist told im perfect health despite best effort nothing tried ha ever worked last specialist saw basically told everything tried wa nothing left gave med try didnt help ive seeking help mental health 5 year end everyone ive seen ha either dismissed immediately kicked year helping last time tried get help ended getting seen maybe 5 minute told mild depression given recommendation take back gp final nail coffin wa yesterday went see ent year waiting ive thought wa sinusitis like every doctor told wa perfectly healthy couldnt help honestly sinus infection wa one thing thought actually understood even isnt real mind feel shattered thought could atleast make year hopefully see another specialist try even test cant see point going bring frustration depression feel like everyone favor kill everyone would much better without piece shit like around know parent would upset end would far happy wa gone anyways know nobody give shit needed place vent end year planned kill dont think im gonna make
Committing Emotional Suicide,"Hello, I genuinely want to die. It’s been like this for months now (it somehow only grew worse), and I really thought antidepressants would magically cure me, but I haven’t been feeling much of a difference.

I can’t kill myself because of the emotional toll it would have on my family, so if I can’t do that, what can I do?

I think the next best thing is to commit “emotional suicide”. Living each day being practically dead, yet somehow alive. I’ve been trying so hard to get better, but every fibre of my being wants to die.

If I lived each day being a zombie, with little to no emotions, I think it would be better than feeling constant dread.

I don’t even know anymore, I just deeply loathe myself, but I don’t know what to do. I’m even supposed to be at school right now, but I felt extremely shitty, and couldn’t even manage to muster up a shred of self-esteem to present myself at school.",starry-night-230,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fec6gn/committing_emotional_suicide/,hello genuinely want die like month somehow grew worse really thought antidepressant would magically cure feeling much difference kill emotional toll would family think next best thing commit emotional suicide living day practically dead yet somehow alive trying hard get better every fibre want die lived day zombie little emotion think would better feeling constant dread even know anymore deeply loathe know even supposed school right felt extremely shitty even manage muster shred self esteem present school,committing emotional suicide,starry night 230,899,28,starry night 230 hello genuinely want die like month somehow grew worse really thought antidepressant would magically cure feeling much difference kill emotional toll would family think next best thing commit emotional suicide living day practically dead yet somehow alive trying hard get better every fibre want die lived day zombie little emotion think would better feeling constant dread even know anymore deeply loathe know even supposed school right felt extremely shitty even manage muster shred self esteem present school committing emotional suicide
Is it really such a bad thing?,"Hey, this is really weird for me and I wouldn’t normally do something like this but I don’t really know what else to do. Ever since I was a little kid I have thought life was pretty pointless and I kinda just wanted to die. As I grew up it gradually got worse and at this point I seriously just want to kill myself. I don’t have a bad life or anything I have just been searching for so long and I’ve never found a reason to want to be here. I have always had a problem making friends, I am always there for people and I love being able to help people, people just don’t like me. It could be a perception thing tho. In any case, I just spent two years with someone who I believe to be one of the most amazing people in the world, I loved him so much and genuinely thought I would spend the rest of my life with him but he broke up with me. He told me he was never happy with me and it broke me. I have met millions of people and I don’t believe I will ever be happy with someone like I was with him. I can’t be happy without him and he can’t be happy with me but to be his friend and see him happy with someone else would tear me to pieces. Everyone says I’ll move on and be happy again but it’s been months and it still feels fresh as the day it happened. The only reason I am still here is because of my mom. She guilt trips me into not committing suicide even though she has also always been suicidal. She also doesn’t believe in therapy and thinks making your bed will make the depression go away. The idea of killing my self isn’t scary to me and I know the people in my life will be sad but I am not enough of anything to anyone for it to be a big deal. Idk why I’m posting this, guess I’m just wondering what other people think about it.",Sp0ng3bl0b,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegrkj/is_it_really_such_a_bad_thing/,hey really weird normally something like really know else ever since wa little kid thought life wa pretty pointless kinda wanted die grew gradually got worse point seriously want kill bad life anything searching long never found reason want always problem making friend always people love able help people people like could perception thing tho case spent two year someone believe one amazing people world loved much genuinely thought would spend rest life broke told wa never happy broke met million people believe ever happy someone like wa happy without happy friend see happy someone else would tear piece everyone say move happy month still feel fresh day happened reason still mom guilt trip committing suicide even though ha also always suicidal also believe therapy think making bed make depression go away idea killing self scary know people life sad enough anything anyone big deal idk posting guess wondering people think,really bad thing,sp 0 ng 3 bl 0 b,1743,30,sp 0 ng 3 bl 0 b hey really weird normally something like really know else ever since wa little kid thought life wa pretty pointless kinda wanted die grew gradually got worse point seriously want kill bad life anything searching long never found reason want always problem making friend always people love able help people people like could perception thing tho case spent two year someone believe one amazing people world loved much genuinely thought would spend rest life broke told wa never happy broke met million people believe ever happy someone like wa happy without happy friend see happy someone else would tear piece everyone say move happy month still feel fresh day happened reason still mom guilt trip committing suicide even though ha also always suicidal also believe therapy think making bed make depression go away idea killing self scary know people life sad enough anything anyone big deal idk posting guess wondering people think really bad thing
"It’s Friday, and you need to read this.","Today’s the day to get out of bed! Get off that couch, or get the hell out of that chair, y’all. Start by sitting up wherever you are right this second. 

Right now, I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose, and slowly breathe it out through your mouth. Take another deep breath in, this time focus on the roof of your mouth and your tongue; relax those muscles, let your tongue fall away from the roof of your mouth, and breathe all the way out. Repeat this breathing technique, focusing further on your lungs and your rib cage. Feel each breath slowly touching your nostrils, pulling downward into your chest, filling your lungs. Consider your posture now, letting your shoulders roll back and your neck pull up as your lungs fill with fresh air. 

Your body is likely sore from sleeping too much, or not enough, and I know that story all too well. 

You’re alive today, and I challenge you to stand up, stretch the body your mind has been neglecting, and get into the shower. Practice the breathing technique in the shower or a hot bath, being mindful of how your body feels. Listen to it when it speaks today. You’ve got this!",bulletproofblonde,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegqur/its_friday_and_you_need_to_read_this/,today day get bed get couch get hell chair start sitting wherever right second right want take deep breath nose slowly breathe mouth take another deep breath time focus roof mouth tongue relax muscle let tongue fall away roof mouth breathe way repeat breathing technique focusing lung rib cage feel breath slowly touching nostril pulling downward chest filling lung consider posture letting shoulder roll back neck pull lung fill fresh air body likely sore sleeping much enough know story well alive today challenge stand stretch body mind ha neglecting get shower practice breathing technique shower hot bath mindful body feel listen speaks today got,friday need read,bulletproof blonde,1143,39,bulletproof blonde today day get bed get couch get hell chair start sitting wherever right second right want take deep breath nose slowly breathe mouth take another deep breath time focus roof mouth tongue relax muscle let tongue fall away roof mouth breathe way repeat breathing technique focusing lung rib cage feel breath slowly touching nostril pulling downward chest filling lung consider posture letting shoulder roll back neck pull lung fill fresh air body likely sore sleeping much enough know story well alive today challenge stand stretch body mind ha neglecting get shower practice breathing technique shower hot bath mindful body feel listen speaks today got friday need read
I have a belt around my neck. I wish I knew how to do it properly,emptypost,Vivid-Smile,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegqsk/i_have_a_belt_around_my_neck_i_wish_i_knew_how_to/,emptypost,belt around neck wish knew properly,vivid smile,9,65,vivid smile emptypost belt around neck wish knew properly
Literally can't afford to live any more.,Can't take the pressure and lack of solution.,StarryNari,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegota/literally_cant_afford_to_live_any_more/,take pressure lack solution,literally afford live,starry nari,45,40,starry nari take pressure lack solution literally afford live
I cant take it anymore,"Everyone hates me at first sight, and they dont give a fck about me when i need them. Sometimes i could be of use but its just fucking sometimes, when its not ""sometimes"", they dont fucking need me. They dont give a fck about my feelings. All they care about just to get rid of me even tho i dont know wtf i did wrong. They always ignore me like im worse than pile of shit. Acutally almost no one remembers my fucking birthday if it wasnt for facebook bday reminder. I cant even get a therapist or whatever.
Plz tell me the easiest and painless way out.",sSund0wn,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegm43/i_cant_take_it_anymore/,everyone hate first sight dont give fck need sometimes could use fucking sometimes sometimes dont fucking need dont give fck feeling care get rid even tho dont know wtf wrong always ignore like im worse pile shit acutally almost one remembers fucking birthday wasnt facebook bday reminder cant even get therapist whatever plz tell easiest painless way,cant take anymore,und 0 w n,553,22,und 0 w n everyone hate first sight dont give fck need sometimes could use fucking sometimes sometimes dont fucking need dont give fck feeling care get rid even tho dont know wtf wrong always ignore like im worse pile shit acutally almost one remembers fucking birthday wasnt facebook bday reminder cant even get therapist whatever plz tell easiest painless way cant take anymore
Anyone with Exp.?,"Even when I get a bit better at life, I fall that much harder next time. There's a thought in that back of my head that says the only way I can stop it is either taking a fat dose of H to put me to sleep or hanging myself off my balcony so the whole community can see. I need someone to talk about this that knows how to cope, cause everyone in my life is fucking useless.",barrelmonkeys,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegc07/anyone_with_exp/,even get bit better life fall much harder next time thought back head say way stop either taking fat dose h put sleep hanging balcony whole community see need someone talk know cope cause everyone life fucking useless,anyone exp,barrel monkey,372,17,barrel monkey even get bit better life fall much harder next time thought back head say way stop either taking fat dose h put sleep hanging balcony whole community see need someone talk know cope cause everyone life fucking useless anyone exp
Things are worse. I gave it a year and nothing changed,emptypost,Vivid-Smile,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fegama/things_are_worse_i_gave_it_a_year_and_nothing/,emptypost,thing worse gave year nothing changed,vivid smile,9,54,vivid smile emptypost thing worse gave year nothing changed
Probable attempt in 4 hours,"I found this link where I think there is someone who ""maybe"" wants to kill himself or do something in 4 hours.

The link was under the videos HYSTERIA CHALLENGE .. I leave it in the comments.",Middle-Lion,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feb0rx/probable_attempt_in_4_hours/,found link think someone maybe want kill something 4 hour link wa video hysteria challenge leave comment,probable attempt 4 hour,middle lion,191,27,middle lion found link think someone maybe want kill something 4 hour link wa video hysteria challenge leave comment probable attempt 4 hour
Boyfriend had suicide plan,"I've never posted before but I feel at a loss and can't seem to find anything online similar so figured I'd post. 
Bit of backstory my boyfriend (5 years) had called me while I was at work on Monday saying that he was checking himself into a mental health hospital. I knew roughly why he would be there but it was still such a shock to me. It wasnt until a few days later that he opened up to me and said that he had made a plan and chose out the weapon but decided after his therapy session that he didnt want to do it anymore. So it's a weird in between spot. While he didnt necessarily attempt suicide he was damn close. Closer than I ever could have imagined.
I had just started a new job with a bakery about a month ago and then this happened. I've had a hard time coping with everything and so I told my boss I probably wouldn't be back until the following Monday. Fast forward to Friday I get a call from one of my friends who helped get me the job and she's saying that my work team is trying to be understanding but that they think and my friend thinks I'm being immature and irresponsible for not going to work. My friend even went far enough to say that maybe I wasn't strong enough for my boyfriend since I couldn't find it in myself to go to work through this. 
I guess I'm asking for advice. My friend said my work is talking about cutting my hours since now I've shown I'm not reliable even though before this happened I had never so much as shown up late before or called out. What would you do? I feel at a loss because yes I realize I should be working but I don't know how to face my work after this especially knowing they are annoyed with me.",smendy517,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feg91y/boyfriend_had_suicide_plan/,never posted feel loss seem find anything online similar figured post bit backstory boyfriend 5 year called wa work monday saying wa checking mental health hospital knew roughly would wa still shock wasnt day later opened said made plan chose weapon decided therapy session didnt want anymore weird spot didnt necessarily attempt suicide wa damn close closer ever could imagined started new job bakery month ago happened hard time coping everything told bos probably back following monday fast forward friday get call one friend helped get job saying work team trying understanding think friend think immature irresponsible going work friend even went far enough say maybe strong enough boyfriend since find go work guess asking advice friend said work talking cutting hour since shown reliable even though happened never much shown late called would feel loss yes realize working know face work especially knowing annoyed,boyfriend suicide plan,mendy 517,1663,26,mendy 517 never posted feel loss seem find anything online similar figured post bit backstory boyfriend 5 year called wa work monday saying wa checking mental health hospital knew roughly would wa still shock wasnt day later opened said made plan chose weapon decided therapy session didnt want anymore weird spot didnt necessarily attempt suicide wa damn close closer ever could imagined started new job bakery month ago happened hard time coping everything told bos probably back following monday fast forward friday get call one friend helped get job saying work team trying understanding think friend think immature irresponsible going work friend even went far enough say maybe strong enough boyfriend since find go work guess asking advice friend said work talking cutting hour since shown reliable even though happened never much shown late called would feel loss yes realize working know face work especially knowing annoyed boyfriend suicide plan
My best and only friend is moving away,I'm 15 and I think this it. I think once she moves I'm gonna kill myself. I don't wanna feel so alone again and I know I won't be able to take it I'm sorry but this is definitely it.,WhoreClownnnn,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feg7jz/my_best_and_only_friend_is_moving_away/,15 think think move gonna kill wanna feel alone know able take sorry definitely,best friend moving away,whore clow nnnn,182,38,whore clow nnnn 15 think think move gonna kill wanna feel alone know able take sorry definitely best friend moving away
I want to rest,"Locked up in my room for almost 2 years. I don't want to get out of the house. I feel very ugly and I don't want to show my face. I'm afraid of tommorrow, of the future. What if my parents die? What do I do? I don't know, I feel hideously ugly. I don't want to go on like this. I want to rest. Im so tired very tired. I want to rest.",lostluos,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feczz1/i_want_to_rest/,locked room almost 2 year want get house feel ugly want show face afraid tommorrow future parent die know feel hideously ugly want go like want rest im tired tired want rest,want rest,lost luo,333,14,lost luo locked room almost 2 year want get house feel ugly want show face afraid tommorrow future parent die know feel hideously ugly want go like want rest im tired tired want rest want rest
I just really wish I had died the first time I tried,That's all. Nothing has gotten better and I've tried so hard. It's gotten worse and I've been through so much pain I just want it to stop I just don't know why I'm alive I just wish I'd died when I had tried,WildButLoyalNugget,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe94lu/i_just_really_wish_i_had_died_the_first_time_i/,nothing ha gotten better tried hard gotten worse much pain want stop know alive wish died tried,really wish died first time tried,wild loyal nugget,207,52,wild loyal nugget nothing ha gotten better tried hard gotten worse much pain want stop know alive wish died tried really wish died first time tried
I haven't ruled it out...,It's in the back of my mind. I'm not sure I'll be ok. Not sure I can deal with this. I'll try...I will try. Even though it's hard to see the point. But...this still isn't off the table.,The_Answer_Is_42__,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefwvx/i_havent_ruled_it_out/,back mind sure ok sure deal try try even though hard see point still table,ruled,answer 42,185,25,answer 42 back mind sure ok sure deal try try even though hard see point still table ruled
No reason to keep on existing,"I'm new to this sub and while I was scrolling and reading a bunch of posts here I realized most of the people who want to end themselves, have at least one area in their lives that isn't shitty. Maybe they have a partner who love them, a job they find meaning in, or a couple of friends they love to be with.
But my case is closed to say the least, I'm 23 Y/ M I didn't finish college, I have no career, I'm unemployable and flat broke, I have zero friends, never been in a relationship and still holding on the V card, basically I'm one of those people who has no life, your average loser worthless piece of crap, consuming food and resources just to stay alive.
Add to that my severe anxiety and crippling depression, recently I started to experience physical pain cause of all the emotions trapped in my body.
I spent the last 4 years in this state, I tried I really did tried to find a reason to keep on living but I can't see that things will unfold for me.
My body hurt while I'm writing this post, I don't Even know what I want from you guys, maybe I'm already gone and can't be saved.
(Sorry for my English)",deathsowhat,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefw9h/no_reason_to_keep_on_existing/,new sub wa scrolling reading bunch post realized people want end least one area life shitty maybe partner love job find meaning couple friend love case closed say least 23 finish college career unemployable flat broke zero friend never relationship still holding v card basically one people ha life average loser worthless piece crap consuming food resource stay alive add severe anxiety crippling depression recently started experience physical pain cause emotion trapped body spent last 4 year state tried really tried find reason keep living see thing unfold body hurt writing post even know want guy maybe already gone saved sorry english,reason keep existing,death,1115,29,death new sub wa scrolling reading bunch post realized people want end least one area life shitty maybe partner love job find meaning couple friend love case closed say least 23 finish college career unemployable flat broke zero friend never relationship still holding v card basically one people ha life average loser worthless piece crap consuming food resource stay alive add severe anxiety crippling depression recently started experience physical pain cause emotion trapped body spent last 4 year state tried really tried find reason keep living see thing unfold body hurt writing post even know want guy maybe already gone saved sorry english reason keep existing
Can someone talk to me please?,I am feeling sick. Anxious. I need some help please,LostInTheWorldPrt2,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecvjs/can_someone_talk_to_me_please/,feeling sick anxious need help please,someone talk please,lost world pr 2,51,30,lost world pr 2 feeling sick anxious need help please someone talk please
everything is awful and I can't afford to be alive,"Howdy. I don't know why I'm posting like it's going to do anything for me but whatever. This is gonna be pretty wordy. A fella out here fighting the long fight. Everything's shit. Everything's been shit since I was like 11. There hasn't been a day in at least 5-6 years that suicide hasn't crossed my mind. I've managed to stay pretty functional. Less so now. I can't do anything. I'm used to having bad days. I'm used to that. But for the longest time my bad days were maximum 17 hours in bed then I get up to piss or something. It's different now. My bad days are 31 hours in bed no food or water. I don't go online, I don't talk to anyone, I just sulk. Everything's gone to shit. 

My family is big against any sort of therapy/mental illness sort of talk. I was too. Last year in August I broke down and started therapy because I knew I was slacking. I decided If not to change my mood, then to at least change my behavior. It helped for a while. Cut to December. I'm off my shit. I break down again and resort to meds. I've always been against meds for myself so idk maybe that adds some perspective. I felt like meds were the equivalent of me giving up my personality, becoming the masses. Pretentious I know but whatever. Meds don't do shit. I've had so many appointments with my psychiatrist to change my meds or the dosage but nothing has worked and it's been too long. 

I decided to go into an outpatient program in February. Things were really bad. I started disassociating very intensely. I can't feel my body move, I can't control my motions. It's one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced. I went through the application process and got accepted into outpatient care. I was finally going to get thorough help. Confidentiality had been broken, relationships irreparable but I was going to do what I needed to do. The day I start I find out my insurance doesn't cover it.

I am so fucking tired of being too poor. I'm tired. It's so fucking humiliating to not be able to take care of yourself because you can't afford it. When I grew up everyone thought I was gonna be the kid to escape this shit. To break the cycle and actually make something of myself and be content. I was smart, I was bilingual and inventive and passionate and I learned about how to best fight my circumstances. I really thought I had a chance. But I don't.

There's no escaping the cycle of poverty. It comes back to bite no matter what you do.  My grades suffered because I didn't have a computer, or internet, or because I was losing my apartment or whatever the crisis might've been at the time. My grades are shit now, like a 1. something gpa. I can't get a scholarship and to be totally fucking honest I'm not sure I'd even graduate high school. I'm a financial drain on all my guardians. My mom won't buy me food, my dad is trying to not lose his other kid, and my grandma (who raised me) is forced to live with my dad and pay off the house because he can't afford it and knew he could leech off of her. I can't work because I'm already failing all my classes and I'm supposed to fix that.

The worst part is being aware of my situation. I can't afford to be healthy. I can't afford to be educated. I can't afford to be happy. How fucked up is that? I don't try and paint myself as the victim of this dumb ass capitalist society but come ON. It doesn't matter how I play the game. It doesn't matter how hard I try and be better. I can't pay for it. If I keep going, then in 10 years I'm gonna be a deadbeat working three jobs in some toxic relationship just like every other adult in my life. 

I can't have a life. I can't pay for it. If I kill myself that's like max a $7000 funeral. I have about a thousand and my family probably wouldn't spend that much anyway. Hell, if I can get rid of the body they won't even have to deal with that. No more food expenses, no more school expenses, no more health expenses. They can sell my shit, rent out my room, i don't care: I'll be fucking dead what do I need all this shit for? I can't keep up. Every time I turn a corner there's some new crisis to be dealt with. I can't keep doing this. Something has got to change and the only thing left to try is killing myself.",midwestmonstrosity,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecuma/everything_is_awful_and_i_cant_afford_to_be_alive/,howdy know posting like going anything whatever gonna pretty wordy fella fighting long fight everything shit everything shit since wa like 11 day least 5 6 year suicide crossed mind managed stay pretty functional le anything used bad day used longest time bad day maximum 17 hour bed get piss something different bad day 31 hour bed food water go online talk anyone sulk everything gone shit family big sort therapy mental illness sort talk wa last year august broke started therapy knew wa slacking decided change mood least change behavior helped cut december shit break resort med always med idk maybe add perspective felt like med equivalent giving personality becoming mass pretentious know whatever med shit many appointment psychiatrist change med dosage nothing ha worked long decided go outpatient program february thing really bad started disassociating intensely feel body move control motion one terrifying thing ever experienced went application process got accepted outpatient care wa finally going get thorough help confidentiality broken relationship irreparable wa going needed day start find insurance cover fucking tired poor tired fucking humiliating able take care afford grew everyone thought wa gonna kid escape shit break cycle actually make something content wa smart wa bilingual inventive passionate learned best fight circumstance really thought chance escaping cycle poverty come back bite matter grade suffered computer internet wa losing apartment whatever crisis might time grade shit like 1 something gpa get scholarship totally fucking honest sure even graduate high school financial drain guardian mom buy food dad trying lose kid grandma raised forced live dad pay house afford knew could leech work already failing class supposed fix worst part aware situation afford healthy afford educated afford happy fucked try paint victim dumb capitalist society come matter play game matter hard try better pay keep going 10 year gonna deadbeat working three job toxic relationship like every adult life life pay kill like max 7000 funeral thousand family probably spend much anyway hell get rid body even deal food expense school expense health expense sell shit rent room care fucking dead need shit keep every time turn corner new crisis dealt keep something ha got change thing left try killing,everything awful afford alive,midwest monstrosity,4218,50,midwest monstrosity howdy know posting like going anything whatever gonna pretty wordy fella fighting long fight everything shit everything shit since wa like 11 day least 5 6 year suicide crossed mind managed stay pretty functional le anything used bad day used longest time bad day maximum 17 hour bed get piss something different bad day 31 hour bed food water go online talk anyone sulk everything gone shit family big sort therapy mental illness sort talk wa last year august broke started therapy knew wa slacking decided change mood least change behavior helped cut december shit break resort med always med idk maybe add perspective felt like med equivalent giving personality becoming mass pretentious know whatever med shit many appointment psychiatrist change med dosage nothing ha worked long decided go outpatient program february thing really bad started disassociating intensely feel body move control motion one terrifying thing ever experienced went application process got accepted outpatient care wa finally going get thorough help confidentiality broken relationship irreparable wa going needed day start find insurance cover fucking tired poor tired fucking humiliating able take care afford grew everyone thought wa gonna kid escape shit break cycle actually make something content wa smart wa bilingual inventive passionate learned best fight circumstance really thought chance escaping cycle poverty come back bite matter grade suffered computer internet wa losing apartment whatever crisis might time grade shit like 1 something gpa get scholarship totally fucking honest sure even graduate high school financial drain guardian mom buy food dad trying lose kid grandma raised forced live dad pay house afford knew could leech work already failing class supposed fix worst part aware situation afford healthy afford educated afford happy fucked try paint victim dumb capitalist society come matter play game matter hard try better pay keep going 10 year gonna deadbeat working three job toxic relationship like every adult life life pay kill like max 7000 funeral thousand family probably spend much anyway hell get rid body even deal food expense school expense health expense sell shit rent room care fucking dead need shit keep every time turn corner new crisis dealt keep something ha got change thing left try killing everything awful afford alive
Help me,"I’ve been felling kind of sad lately and I’m not sure if this sub is the right one that can help, I’m sorry if my English is dumb and if I make some mistake. My “friends” secretly wanted me to leave them alone, they can just say it without it being hard enough. My life is just kinda falling apart and I need some advice to keep me going, just please help.",VitoRojnic,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefrm0/help_me/,felling kind sad lately sure sub right one help sorry english dumb make mistake friend secretly wanted leave alone say without hard enough life kinda falling apart need advice keep going please help,help,vitor oj nic,356,7,vitor oj nic felling kind sad lately sure sub right one help sorry english dumb make mistake friend secretly wanted leave alone say without hard enough life kinda falling apart need advice keep going please help help
crying myself to sleep yet again,I'm 15 and my mom decided to homeschool me and my siblings and it fucked us over. The only subjects that I'm where I should be in are math and history and I don't even kniw basic grammar.so my life is fucked and I'm just a burden to society,THEE-BOO-BEAR,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fea2ce/crying_myself_to_sleep_yet_again/,15 mom decided homeschool sibling fucked u subject math history even kniw basic grammar life fucked burden society,cry sleep yet,e boo bear,240,32,e boo bear 15 mom decided homeschool sibling fucked u subject math history even kniw basic grammar life fucked burden society cry sleep yet
My girlfriend and I broke up,"Honestly, I'm really happy about it. It wasn't a very bad relationship, I just couldn't handle being in it. But I'm feeling a lot better then I ever have. It was definitely a good thing for me and I'm actually glad it happened.",am_trans,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefo0p/my_girlfriend_and_i_broke_up/,honestly really happy bad relationship handle feeling lot better ever wa definitely good thing actually glad happened,girlfriend broke,trans,227,28,trans honestly really happy bad relationship handle feeling lot better ever wa definitely good thing actually glad happened girlfriend broke
Relapsed,"Ive been going pretty good for some time.  
Got a flat, got a job, stayed clean for an almost year (except cigs and beers why I try limit as much as i can).  
I even had established morning routine before job like exercising and meditations. I were even writing daily journal which helped me a lot with memory and thinking. Exercising proved to be excelent whenever my attention started to go jumpy. I was going to sleep at exact time and woke a exact time same. It wasnt exactly perfect but it was better then before.   


And then i dont know  what happened. Guess its the freaking weather and loneliness along with overthinking that got me back into this moodiness.  
I guess I kind off hoped my father and mother would be freaking proud of me to stop dragging people into the same hole i was in and using.  
that they would be proud i found the job and keep it , that i try  even through i have health complications. But none of it happened. They each have their own families and im just a waste with no one to talk to except for my therapist and girlfriend. And I dont even know how to grateful to at least have someone since they dont understand how I am feeling.  
I just sit home trying to live someones else life inside comics and playing the same game over and over again even through i hate it. Trying to find a way to get away with assisted suicide because I cant do a shit right.  
Most depressing thing I realized is that it doesnt really matter how much i try to change myself. People instenctively hate me. That it doesnt matter if i try to live ""normal"" life. it still sucks. It doesnt matter if am clean or not , since no one cares. Everywhere i go theres this black cloud of my negativity transfering my bad ""mojo"" onto other people. Im burden to my gf since im most of the last month only sad piece of shit that cant do nothing to make this life better. Im burden even to her friends who took a pity on my cause im depressed shit.  
It doesnt even matter if i would die. No one cares a one piece of shit. All gonna be friends till I had money and drugs , they called adn talked about their problems , but now when im down theres no one.  
Im just waiting till dignitas answer me with mail so I can start preparing to leave this shitty hole called reality.   
Ive been trough so much.. Be it Abusive childhood, Abusive ex, Depressions since I was 11, Bullying, Drug addiction , anxieties, agoraphobia, so called ""desilusions"", Fake friends who destroyed any bit of my ability to trust a different human being, Being forced by a girl to almost having sex when i was 6, Constant Isolations ,School failures, being scapegoated, being hospitalised , tried to kill myself 3 times, Being left on my own my whole life with no support from my so called parents who just made everything worse. I cant get over it.   
I keep hearing all those bullshits like ""just change your thinking man"". How the heck am i supposed to change something that has been hardwired into my head for years when i was still a child.  


Id love to make comics, Id love to make music but i cant do anything else except for reading and playing over and over again , cause i have no energy to do anything. Worst part is I can hear laughing all the people I know. And even worse part is I know no one will answer this post again , cause theres just no other way than to ends this miserable piece of shit thats called my life.  
I hate all those people who think Assisted-suicide/Euthanasia shouldnt be avaible to people with mental illness. It is like saying ""people with cancer doesnt deserve to die a calm way.""  


All my life i was trying to be better.. To help people around me.. And it cost me dearly.  
It really brought me down when I realized it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter i tried to save my mom from alcoholic, It just made things worse for me. It doesnt matter I tried to cheer people [up.It](https://up.It) doesnt matter Im clean. I dont know how to form this sentence , so ill just say it doesnt matter how hard I try. It always come back and i have to start again. But im tired of reabulding and rebuilding again and again.  
I dont understand why do I have to keep cycling in this Bardo. fml",MadMaddington,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecr1s/relapsed/,ive going pretty good time got flat got job stayed clean almost year except cigs beer try limit much even established morning routine job like exercising meditation even writing daily journal helped lot memory thinking exercising proved excelent whenever attention started go jumpy wa going sleep exact time woke exact time wasnt exactly perfect wa better dont know happened guess freaking weather loneliness along overthinking got back moodiness guess kind hoped father mother would freaking proud stop dragging people hole wa using would proud found job keep try even health complication none happened family im waste one talk except therapist girlfriend dont even know grateful least someone since dont understand feeling sit home trying live someone else life inside comic playing game even hate trying find way get away assisted suicide cant shit right depressing thing realized doesnt really matter much try change people instenctively hate doesnt matter try live normal life still suck doesnt matter clean since one care everywhere go black cloud negativity transfering bad mojo onto people im burden gf since im last month sad piece shit cant nothing make life better im burden even friend took pity cause im depressed shit doesnt even matter would die one care one piece shit gonna friend till money drug called adn talked problem im one im waiting till dignitas answer mail start preparing leave shitty hole called reality ive trough much abusive childhood abusive ex depression since wa 11 bullying drug addiction anxiety agoraphobia called desilusions fake friend destroyed bit ability trust different human forced girl almost sex wa 6 constant isolation school failure scapegoated hospitalised tried kill 3 time left whole life support called parent made everything worse cant get keep hearing bullshit like change thinking man heck supposed change something ha hardwired head year wa still child id love make comic id love make music cant anything else except reading playing cause energy anything worst part hear laughing people know even worse part know one answer post cause way end miserable piece shit thats called life hate people think assisted suicide euthanasia shouldnt avaible people mental illness like saying people cancer doesnt deserve die calm way life wa trying better help people around cost dearly really brought realized doesnt matter doesnt matter tried save mom alcoholic made thing worse doesnt matter tried cheer people http doesnt matter im clean dont know form sentence ill say doesnt matter hard try always come back start im tired reabulding rebuilding dont understand keep cycling bardo fml,relapsed,mad addington,4194,8,mad addington ive going pretty good time got flat got job stayed clean almost year except cigs beer try limit much even established morning routine job like exercising meditation even writing daily journal helped lot memory thinking exercising proved excelent whenever attention started go jumpy wa going sleep exact time woke exact time wasnt exactly perfect wa better dont know happened guess freaking weather loneliness along overthinking got back moodiness guess kind hoped father mother would freaking proud stop dragging people hole wa using would proud found job keep try even health complication none happened family im waste one talk except therapist girlfriend dont even know grateful least someone since dont understand feeling sit home trying live someone else life inside comic playing game even hate trying find way get away assisted suicide cant shit right depressing thing realized doesnt really matter much try change people instenctively hate doesnt matter try live normal life still suck doesnt matter clean since one care everywhere go black cloud negativity transfering bad mojo onto people im burden gf since im last month sad piece shit cant nothing make life better im burden even friend took pity cause im depressed shit doesnt even matter would die one care one piece shit gonna friend till money drug called adn talked problem im one im waiting till dignitas answer mail start preparing leave shitty hole called reality ive trough much abusive childhood abusive ex depression since wa 11 bullying drug addiction anxiety agoraphobia called desilusions fake friend destroyed bit ability trust different human forced girl almost sex wa 6 constant isolation school failure scapegoated hospitalised tried kill 3 time left whole life support called parent made everything worse cant get keep hearing bullshit like change thinking man heck supposed change something ha hardwired head year wa still child id love make comic id love make music cant anything else except reading playing cause energy anything worst part hear laughing people know even worse part know one answer post cause way end miserable piece shit thats called life hate people think assisted suicide euthanasia shouldnt avaible people mental illness like saying people cancer doesnt deserve die calm way life wa trying better help people around cost dearly really brought realized doesnt matter doesnt matter tried save mom alcoholic made thing worse doesnt matter tried cheer people http doesnt matter im clean dont know form sentence ill say doesnt matter hard try always come back start im tired reabulding rebuilding dont understand keep cycling bardo fml relapsed
Nobody gives a crap about me.,I’ve lost all my friends over the past year. Got dumped by me gf last year. Nobody checks up on me. Girls don’t even wanna talk to me. I’m so lonely. I don’t think I can take it much longer. I’m tired of praying. I don’t believe in god anymore. Every time I pray it brings nothing. Everyday that passes makes me realize how worthless my life is. I just don’t know what to do anymore.i think I’m gonna end it in about a week after I have time to get things together and write a few notes.,noconcern9922,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fea156/nobody_gives_a_crap_about_me/,lost friend past year got dumped gf last year nobody check girl even wanna talk lonely think take much longer tired praying believe god anymore every time pray brings nothing everyday pass make realize worthless life know anymore think gonna end week time get thing together write note,nobody give crap,concern 9922,487,29,concern 9922 lost friend past year got dumped gf last year nobody check girl even wanna talk lonely think take much longer tired praying believe god anymore every time pray brings nothing everyday pass make realize worthless life know anymore think gonna end week time get thing together write note nobody give crap
I’ve prepared but I’m rethinking,"So I made this account so I could post without being known. I’ve prepared for my end in a way. I’m the only caretaker for my mom and it’s exhausting. I’ve given up having a childhood a long time ago and all my major moments in life from periods to dating has been done on my own. I have a lot of siblings but all are married and were gone before I reached high school. My dad was always in a sense abusive, mostly if I did something wrong in his eyes I was yelled at, slapped, etc. even now. Just yesterday he got frustrated because he got a phone call about work and in his frustration he grabbed the nearest thing and threw it at me. Which caused my hand to be bloody. I have a boyfriend, well had, who’s the absolute sweetest and the other day I broke up with him. I wanted him to not be hurt when I make the choice to go. He was the only goodbye I needed to make. I’m just so tired. So worn out. I want to stop being a burden and a drag down. If I’m gone my dad can finally know I’m not a disappointment because then I wont be alive to be one. Then this morning a video popped up, it was talking about there’s still a chance to get past this. If I go through it’ll be my 5th and last attempt. I think my boyfriend (ex) has figured out I’m going to do it. He keeps begging me not to. I want to do this to stop hurting people, I want to stop feeling hurt. I can’t seek help because in my culture from church and everything that means that you’d be completely turned away by the whole community. I’m just unsure of where to go. I want to stop being a drain on people. I want to stop feeling drained.",idontwannagonow,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefn9r/ive_prepared_but_im_rethinking/,made account could post without known prepared end way caretaker mom exhausting given childhood long time ago major moment life period dating ha done lot sibling married gone reached high school dad wa always sense abusive mostly something wrong eye wa yelled slapped etc even yesterday got frustrated got phone call work frustration grabbed nearest thing threw caused hand bloody boyfriend well absolute sweetest day broke wanted hurt make choice go wa goodbye needed make tired worn want stop burden drag gone dad finally know disappointment wont alive one morning video popped wa talking still chance get past go 5th last attempt think boyfriend ex ha figured going keep begging want stop hurting people want stop feeling hurt seek help culture church everything mean completely turned away whole community unsure go want stop drain people want stop feeling drained,prepared rethinking,dont wanna go,1600,32,dont wanna go made account could post without known prepared end way caretaker mom exhausting given childhood long time ago major moment life period dating ha done lot sibling married gone reached high school dad wa always sense abusive mostly something wrong eye wa yelled slapped etc even yesterday got frustrated got phone call work frustration grabbed nearest thing threw caused hand bloody boyfriend well absolute sweetest day broke wanted hurt make choice go wa goodbye needed make tired worn want stop burden drag gone dad finally know disappointment wont alive one morning video popped wa talking still chance get past go 5th last attempt think boyfriend ex ha figured going keep begging want stop hurting people want stop feeling hurt seek help culture church everything mean completely turned away whole community unsure go want stop drain people want stop feeling drained prepared rethinking
I don’t see the point.,"I don’t even know what I want from posting this, but I am at my limit. There’s too much going on in my life to deal with and I feel like it would just be a burden to explain at this point. The main thing is, I can’t handle it. I’m 19 and in college and I can’t find a reason to get out of bed anymore. I don’t find joy in anything, not even drawing, reading, or video games. I hate being alive and the only thing that’s kept me here is my boyfriend. I’m starting to resent him because of it and I despise that. I don’t know what to do. I went on a long walk and took a break from writing this and I’m still as lost as ever. I couldn’t even think straight, my mind just jumps from useless thing to useless thing. It’s like it doesn’t stop. I stopped taking my medicine and that’s obviously contributing to how I feel, but I felt hopeless before I stopped taking it too. Everyone treats me like I’m lazy and I’m not trying hard enough. I just want to give up.",ccccccc090,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9dzg/i_dont_see_the_point/,even know want posting limit much going life deal feel like would burden explain point main thing handle 19 college find reason get bed anymore find joy anything even drawing reading video game hate alive thing kept boyfriend starting resent despise know went long walk took break writing still lost ever even think straight mind jump useless thing useless thing like stop stopped taking medicine obviously contributing feel felt hopeless stopped taking everyone treat like lazy trying hard enough want give,see point,cccccc c 090,957,22,cccccc c 090 even know want posting limit much going life deal feel like would burden explain point main thing handle 19 college find reason get bed anymore find joy anything even drawing reading video game hate alive thing kept boyfriend starting resent despise know went long walk took break writing still lost ever even think straight mind jump useless thing useless thing like stop stopped taking medicine obviously contributing feel felt hopeless stopped taking everyone treat like lazy trying hard enough want give see point
Guy on reddit says he wants to kill himself AND others,"hi i'm very distressed right know. Recently met this guy who said he wants to murder someone before he ends his life, doesn't respond to my chat messages anymore. Idk what to do, I feel guilty af if hes serious about it.",acicuatado,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fefhbz/guy_on_reddit_says_he_wants_to_kill_himself_and/,hi distressed right know recently met guy said want murder someone end life respond chat message anymore idk feel guilty af serious,guy reddit say want kill others,ac icu,220,54,ac icu hi distressed right know recently met guy said want murder someone end life respond chat message anymore idk feel guilty af serious guy reddit say want kill others
I don't want to die! :( But I'm really depressed,"I want to feel like I belong here. I wish there were people whom I could connect with. Unfortunately, I don't know where life is taking me right now. I'm too tired of the everyday grind. Life has become a constant struggle. I wish this agony would end. I've been hoping for a long time. I thought I had people by my side. There are people who care but I don't know why I'm not able to connect with them. I just feel empty. :( I've endured for a long time. I just wish this would end some day.",godlyheroname,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecih0/i_dont_want_to_die_but_im_really_depressed/,want feel like belong wish people could connect unfortunately know life taking right tired everyday grind life ha become constant struggle wish agony would end hoping long time thought people side people care know able connect feel empty endured long time wish would end day,want die really depressed,godly hero name,492,48,godly hero name want feel like belong wish people could connect unfortunately know life taking right tired everyday grind life ha become constant struggle wish agony would end hoping long time thought people side people care know able connect feel empty endured long time wish would end day want die really depressed
"Reasons Why (trigger warning: rape, self harm, sexual assault)","- Chronic pain from TMJ (I can’t even eat, eat mushy or liquid foods), can’t talk or sing much anymore, just lay in bed and sleep to escape pain 

- Chronic sinus infections (I can’t breathe, always feel like I’m about to sneeze, eyes swollen shut half the day)

- I try to be a kind person the best I can. I’ve never yelled at a stranger or friend or boyfriend. I’ve never cheated. I’m not clingy. I support everyone with everything they do, and I give people hundreds of chances to change. I make food for people. If someone has a problem, even a random person who hasn’t been the nicest, I will talk to them and try to give them solutions. I try to put out good karma into this world. I know I won’t be here much longer, so might as well make a positive impact. I try to not be stepped on either though. 

- Chronic inflammation and skin conditions (acne, eczema, every pore on my leg is purple and inflamed, eyelids are always inflamed and crusty and often swollen completely shut, family thinks I exaggerate these symptoms and that I just naturally look swollen and red or whatever)

- Zero friends. Not exaggerating. Not one friend. Never had a close friend before. I’ve had depression ever since I’m 10. I text some people occasionally but no one I’m close to who I can share my feelings or hang out with.

- Was raped. No one acknowledged, and when they did realize, told me to be more picky with my sexual partners. I couldn’t have been more picky. I was passed out.

- Not in school (even though I had a 4.2 GPA and 1550 SAT). Was homeschooled 10-12th grade high school. Went to liberal arts college in another state has manic/psychotic episodes had to go back home. Started community college but parents pulled me out during my depressive episode.

- No trust in men. I can never have a normal relationship. Besides being raped, I had men bombard me with videos of porn stars and detail why I wasn’t as hot as them, inspect me for flaws, take advantage of my past trauma as part of their kink, lie to me about being married, tell me that the only reason they like me is because I’m psycho or dumb, etc. I shouldn’t have been dating during this bad time. During my Klonopin withdrawal period, I had a panic attack and a guy just drove away.

- OCD thoughts nonstop. I’m scared of even thinking certain thoughts. I’m convinced certain thoughts or not having certainty thoughts will jinx my future. I’m scared I’m a sexual deviant (even though I have no libido and am a straight vanilla female with only 2 sexual partners ever 3 including rape). I’m convinced I’m becoming a hermaphrodite, or that I’m actually transgender. Weird thoughts.

- Eating disorder. Scared of being fat, also scared of being skinny. I just want to look ill. I don’t want to look like a girl that men fetishize. Look small and thin and pedophiles will want to rape me. Look curvy and I’ll be objectified. I can’t stop bingeing and purging. I was underweight then a guy was checking me out now I want to become fat.

- Mom harassed me for my nude photos. She imitated how I took the photos, this is what drove me to attempt suicide. She showed them to my dad and sister and now everyone thinks I’m a slut and my sister tells my cousin about how I sleep with many men on the first date. 

- Blatant preferential treatment for my sister. She gets her laptop fixed, I don’t. She gets haircuts, I don’t. While I was getting a seizure from Klonopin withdrawals, my mom was shopping for a custom coat for my sister for hours and when I told my mom what happened she said something like “oh that’s not nice.”

- Hundreds of people know my diagnosis and think I’m crazy. My sister had a fundraiser for mental illness to help her get into a good college and to make it more inspirational she shared my health information with many people who now treat me weird.

- Everyone outside our family like extended family and family friends also are super patronizing and treat me as this person you want to be cordial with but also not get close to and are super patronizing 

I need someone to talk to so badly. I’ve felt this way for so so so long. No one cares. I feel invisible. I swear I can tell aloud that I want to kill my self and no one would care. I wish someone could ask me if I’m ok. I’ve asked other people so many times if they’re ok can’t remember the last time I’ve been asked that. I’m so selfish I hate it",VaporwaveVampire,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feb8is/reasons_why_trigger_warning_rape_self_harm_sexual/,chronic pain tmj even eat eat mushy liquid food talk sing much anymore lay bed sleep escape pain chronic sinus infection breathe always feel like sneeze eye swollen shut half day try kind person best never yelled stranger friend boyfriend never cheated clingy support everyone everything give people hundred chance change make food people someone ha problem even random person nicest talk try give solution try put good karma world know much longer might well make positive impact try stepped either though chronic inflammation skin condition acne eczema every pore leg purple inflamed eyelid always inflamed crusty often swollen completely shut family think exaggerate symptom naturally look swollen red whatever zero friend exaggerating one friend never close friend depression ever since 10 text people occasionally one close share feeling hang wa raped one acknowledged realize told picky sexual partner picky wa passed school even though 4 2 gpa 1550 sat wa homeschooled 10 12th grade high school went liberal art college another state ha manic psychotic episode go back home started community college parent pulled depressive episode trust men never normal relationship besides raped men bombard video porn star detail hot inspect flaw take advantage past trauma part kink lie married tell reason like psycho dumb etc dating bad time klonopin withdrawal period panic attack guy drove away ocd thought nonstop scared even thinking certain thought convinced certain thought certainty thought jinx future scared sexual deviant even though libido straight vanilla female 2 sexual partner ever 3 including rape convinced becoming hermaphrodite actually transgender weird thought eating disorder scared fat also scared skinny want look ill want look like girl men fetishize look small thin pedophile want rape look curvy objectified stop bingeing purging wa underweight guy wa checking want become fat mom harassed nude photo imitated took photo drove attempt suicide showed dad sister everyone think slut sister tell cousin sleep many men first date blatant preferential treatment sister get laptop fixed get haircut wa getting seizure klonopin withdrawal mom wa shopping custom coat sister hour told mom happened said something like oh nice hundred people know diagnosis think crazy sister fundraiser mental illness help get good college make inspirational shared health information many people treat weird everyone outside family like extended family family friend also super patronizing treat person want cordial also get close super patronizing need someone talk badly felt way long one care feel invisible swear tell aloud want kill self one would care wish someone could ask ok asked people many time ok remember last time asked selfish hate,reason trigger warning rape self harm sexual assault,vapor wave vampire,4392,62,vapor wave vampire chronic pain tmj even eat eat mushy liquid food talk sing much anymore lay bed sleep escape pain chronic sinus infection breathe always feel like sneeze eye swollen shut half day try kind person best never yelled stranger friend boyfriend never cheated clingy support everyone everything give people hundred chance change make food people someone ha problem even random person nicest talk try give solution try put good karma world know much longer might well make positive impact try stepped either though chronic inflammation skin condition acne eczema every pore leg purple inflamed eyelid always inflamed crusty often swollen completely shut family think exaggerate symptom naturally look swollen red whatever zero friend exaggerating one friend never close friend depression ever since 10 text people occasionally one close share feeling hang wa raped one acknowledged realize told picky sexual partner picky wa passed school even though 4 2 gpa 1550 sat wa homeschooled 10 12th grade high school went liberal art college another state ha manic psychotic episode go back home started community college parent pulled depressive episode trust men never normal relationship besides raped men bombard video porn star detail hot inspect flaw take advantage past trauma part kink lie married tell reason like psycho dumb etc dating bad time klonopin withdrawal period panic attack guy drove away ocd thought nonstop scared even thinking certain thought convinced certain thought certainty thought jinx future scared sexual deviant even though libido straight vanilla female 2 sexual partner ever 3 including rape convinced becoming hermaphrodite actually transgender weird thought eating disorder scared fat also scared skinny want look ill want look like girl men fetishize look small thin pedophile want rape look curvy objectified stop bingeing purging wa underweight guy wa checking want become fat mom harassed nude photo imitated took photo drove attempt suicide showed dad sister everyone think slut sister tell cousin sleep many men first date blatant preferential treatment sister get laptop fixed get haircut wa getting seizure klonopin withdrawal mom wa shopping custom coat sister hour told mom happened said something like oh nice hundred people know diagnosis think crazy sister fundraiser mental illness help get good college make inspirational shared health information many people treat weird everyone outside family like extended family family friend also super patronizing treat person want cordial also get close super patronizing need someone talk badly felt way long one care feel invisible swear tell aloud want kill self one would care wish someone could ask ok asked people many time ok remember last time asked selfish hate reason trigger warning rape self harm sexual assault
I don't want to live,"I just don't want to live anymore. 

My friends all ignore and exclude me.
My family are homophobic and transphobic. Which doesn't work when im a closeted  pansexaul and transgender (ftm).",i_have_deppression,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feb86x/i_dont_want_to_live/,want live anymore friend ignore exclude family homophobic transphobic work im closeted pansexaul transgender ftm,want live,dep press ion,188,20,dep press ion want live anymore friend ignore exclude family homophobic transphobic work im closeted pansexaul transgender ftm want live
Scared and alone,I fucked up by accepting a job offer and leaving my old comfortable job. Now I want to die. I can’t keep going on like this... depressed and afraid of everything.,opportunisticwombat,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fecdl6/scared_and_alone/,fucked accepting job offer leaving old comfortable job want die keep going like depressed afraid everything,scared alone,opportunistic wombat,162,16,opportunistic wombat fucked accepting job offer leaving old comfortable job want die keep going like depressed afraid everything scared alone
Anyone else totally fucked?,"I wanted to die starting in Jan 2018, but things have only gotten worse.

In summer 2018, those fucks on the Suicide Prevention chatroom called the police when I expressed suicidal ideations, so I was kidnapped and sent to a series of hospital-prisons with junk medical staff. I lost my job due to the hospital stay - and my apartment, car, and dog shortly followed.

Can't get a decent job because my resume is now all fucked up and I have no connections, and I refuse to go back to miserable jobs that pay horribly. I'd rather die than do that for life.

I am about to be sued on $4K debt, and then yesterday I was handed a $6.5K medical bill for treatment that would have been 100% unnecessary had I still had insurance and was able to go to regular check ups.

You fucks on the Suicide Prevention line made my life demonstrably worse. You destroyed the mechanisms that kept me going as an independent and self-sufficient human. Now I have nothing and am in a far worse position (logistically speaking) to be dealing with any of this.

Right now I'm sort of just waiting until where I'm currently staying kicks me out, which should be soon. After that, it's time to die. But I'll be sure to let the responsible parties know their part in this.",200bpm_crashDJI,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe3vvt/anyone_else_totally_fucked/,wanted die starting jan 2018 thing gotten worse summer 2018 fuck suicide prevention chatroom called police expressed suicidal ideation wa kidnapped sent series hospital prison junk medical staff lost job due hospital stay apartment car dog shortly followed get decent job resume fucked connection refuse go back miserable job pay horribly rather die life sued 4k debt yesterday wa handed 6 5k medical bill treatment would 100 unnecessary still insurance wa able go regular check ups fuck suicide prevention line made life demonstrably worse destroyed mechanism kept going independent self sufficient human nothing far worse position logistically speaking dealing right sort waiting currently staying kick soon time die sure let responsible party know part,anyone else totally fucked,200 bpm crash dj,1246,27,200 bpm crash dj wanted die starting jan 2018 thing gotten worse summer 2018 fuck suicide prevention chatroom called police expressed suicidal ideation wa kidnapped sent series hospital prison junk medical staff lost job due hospital stay apartment car dog shortly followed get decent job resume fucked connection refuse go back miserable job pay horribly rather die life sued 4k debt yesterday wa handed 6 5k medical bill treatment would 100 unnecessary still insurance wa able go regular check ups fuck suicide prevention line made life demonstrably worse destroyed mechanism kept going independent self sufficient human nothing far worse position logistically speaking dealing right sort waiting currently staying kick soon time die sure let responsible party know part anyone else totally fucked
"Surprise surprise, no therapy means my mental health is going down the drain again.","My therapist bailed, and just days later I already have a fully developed plan.
It'd be so easy. Cheap too. I could easily kill myself tomorrow. 
I keep telling myself I'm sticking around for my friend but I know I'm dragging him down, leeching off of him for support.
If I'm gone  has one less task to worry about, and all my pain comes to an end.
idk seems like a win-win to me.
Sure he'd be sad for me for a bit.
But he's a busy guy. It's better this way.
I dunno what I'm doing haha. Everything just feels distant and detached for some reason.",smolmight-_-,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9gul/surprise_surprise_no_therapy_means_my_mental/,therapist bailed day later already fully developed plan easy cheap could easily kill tomorrow keep telling sticking around friend know dragging leeching support gone ha one le task worry pain come end idk seems like win win sure sad bit busy guy better way dunno haha everything feel distant detached reason,surprise surprise therapy mean mental health going drain,mol might,547,83,mol might therapist bailed day later already fully developed plan easy cheap could easily kill tomorrow keep telling sticking around friend know dragging leeching support gone ha one le task worry pain come end idk seems like win win sure sad bit busy guy better way dunno haha everything feel distant detached reason surprise surprise therapy mean mental health going drain
I am this close,"I maintain this cheery personality but in reality, I'm just barely getting along. No one cares about me, and I don't want to attempt suicide (for the third time). The first two attempts sucked, and I hate myself everyday for even trying. The first time, I lost nearly all of my memories from the past (retrograde amnesia), so I couldn't recognize most people that I knew. The second time was at a hospital and I was placed on suicide watch. Needless to say, my parents were/are scared ASF.

I use drugs to cope. Weed, Adderall, lean, alcohol, Xanax, Ambien, and LSD.

Writing that all out is a relief. I know that people count on my existence, which is why I live. But I swear sometimes it feels like time goes by and I can't control my mind.",fireball1786,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feen6u/i_am_this_close/,maintain cheery personality reality barely getting along one care want attempt suicide third time first two attempt sucked hate everyday even trying first time lost nearly memory past retrograde amnesia recognize people knew second time wa hospital wa placed suicide watch needle say parent scared asf use drug cope weed adderall lean alcohol xanax ambien lsd writing relief know people count existence live swear sometimes feel like time go control mind,close,fireball 1786,742,15,fireball 1786 maintain cheery personality reality barely getting along one care want attempt suicide third time first two attempt sucked hate everyday even trying first time lost nearly memory past retrograde amnesia recognize people knew second time wa hospital wa placed suicide watch needle say parent scared asf use drug cope weed adderall lean alcohol xanax ambien lsd writing relief know people count existence live swear sometimes feel like time go control mind close
"Pooh, Piglet, and Eeyore","There's this thing that circles around my feed every once in a while, about how Eeyore is feeling low so he stays at his house instead of going out with Pooh and Piglet, so Pooh and Piglet go to his house, where Eeyore says he's not been hanging around with them because he's sad and low and not much fun to be around. So then Pooh and Piglet sit next to Eeyore and don't say anything, they just lend him their presence, with love and without judgment. And then, although he doesn't feel better, he \*does\* feel better.

I've got people like that, people who have straight up offered just to sit with me, who don't care how low I am or how un-fun I am to be with, they just love me. But the thing is, the thought of having someone just sit with me while I am dying inside -- I mean, I seriously can't even bear it. As much as I would be willing to do that for someone else, I simply cannot accept being on the receiving end of it.

What is that? It would be such a comfort to be so wholly accepted, to be so free of expectations and disappointment and pressure; but I can't even imagine it without spinning out.

Anyway. This post brought to you by Sleeplessness. G'night.",ManiacalSuicidal,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe97ii/pooh_piglet_and_eeyore/,thing circle around feed every eeyore feeling low stay house instead going pooh piglet pooh piglet go house eeyore say hanging around sad low much fun around pooh piglet sit next eeyore say anything lend presence love without judgment although feel better doe feel better got people like people straight offered sit care low un fun love thing thought someone sit dying inside mean seriously even bear much would willing someone else simply cannot accept receiving end would comfort wholly accepted free expectation disappointment pressure even imagine without spinning anyway post brought sleeplessness g night,pooh piglet eeyore,maniacal suicidal,1173,24,maniacal suicidal thing circle around feed every eeyore feeling low stay house instead going pooh piglet pooh piglet go house eeyore say hanging around sad low much fun around pooh piglet sit next eeyore say anything lend presence love without judgment although feel better doe feel better got people like people straight offered sit care low un fun love thing thought someone sit dying inside mean seriously even bear much would willing someone else simply cannot accept receiving end would comfort wholly accepted free expectation disappointment pressure even imagine without spinning anyway post brought sleeplessness g night pooh piglet eeyore
I probably won’t do it...but I might.,"Full offense, but a lot of people here lie and lie and lie: “gonna kill myself tonight for sure.”..no you fucking won’t, the stats are low. Very low. I’m gonna be realistic and honest, I probably won’t kill myself. I wish everyone else would be honest as well that they probably won’t go through with it...but the twist is that I might. WE might. And that’s where we need support. I woke up today and called out of my job and took a mental health day but I’m still feeling slightly suicidal. Life fucking sucks and I have no purpose. Religion destroyed me, and my job is emotionally draining but pays my bills so it’s a tough situation. I have a happy life with my partner so I feel guilty feeling like I want to die because he does make me genuinely happy but I often find myself too emotionally dependent on him because he is the only thing that makes me deeply happy. Anyways, I just would appreciate some kind words without being one of those people 100% threatening to do it if I don’t get a response.",pieceofpaper163898,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9x14/i_probably_wont_do_itbut_i_might/,full offense lot people lie lie lie gonna kill tonight sure fucking stats low low gonna realistic honest probably kill wish everyone else would honest well probably go twist might might need support woke today called job took mental health day still feeling slightly suicidal life fucking suck purpose religion destroyed job emotionally draining pay bill tough situation happy life partner feel guilty feeling like want die doe make genuinely happy often find emotionally dependent thing make deeply happy anyways would appreciate kind word without one people 100 threatening get response,probably might,piece paper 163898,1006,37,piece paper 163898 full offense lot people lie lie lie gonna kill tonight sure fucking stats low low gonna realistic honest probably kill wish everyone else would honest well probably go twist might might need support woke today called job took mental health day still feeling slightly suicidal life fucking suck purpose religion destroyed job emotionally draining pay bill tough situation happy life partner feel guilty feeling like want die doe make genuinely happy often find emotionally dependent thing make deeply happy anyways would appreciate kind word without one people 100 threatening get response probably might
Just cant seem to get ahead in life.,"I've always been a negative person in life. I'm 32, and decided I wanted to change..I got a job a shelter because I love people, and hate to see people that have to live life at the lowest. Basically I got a job at a shelter, and decided I would act on what I want to do as a career. Anyways the job is awesome, and I thought the homeless people would be hard to deal with, but no, it's no them, it's the coworker's that act like high school kids talking shit about the other coworkers. So I stay neutral when people say things about other people. We have this worker, and she's real mean to the  people. It's like you'll ask yourself why is she doing this kind of work if she hates people? She i feed this lady who gets to the shelter late, and the coworker gets mad at me since it was late.. she calls me a pushover, then I tell her, ""I'm not a pushover I just have compassion. And that makes her mad! So, she says sorry at first. Then wants to have the last.word with me. So, she goes off on me, and I go.off on her. She lies and says I threaten her, and I get sent home. I try and be positive and put myself in other people shoes who have less then me, and now I'm the bad guy. I probably wont have a job, and she'll still have one. Guess it's time end it. Can't get ahead no matter what. I'm 32, and thing's are not looking good. I have a family to take care of and my wife work part time. Im.fucked. I'm drunk. Sorry about the grammar. I'm a dumb person anyways. Kids half my age have better grammar then me.",Character_Menu,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feaqib/just_cant_seem_to_get_ahead_in_life/,always negative person life 32 decided wanted change got job shelter love people hate see people live life lowest basically got job shelter decided would act want career anyways job awesome thought homeless people would hard deal coworker act like high school kid talking shit coworkers stay neutral people say thing people worker real mean people like ask kind work hate people feed lady get shelter late coworker get mad since wa late call pushover tell pushover compassion make mad say sorry first want last word go go lie say threaten get sent home try positive put people shoe le bad guy probably wont job still one guess time end get ahead matter 32 thing looking good family take care wife work part time im fucked drunk sorry grammar dumb person anyways kid half age better grammar,cant seem get ahead life,character menu,1514,36,character menu always negative person life 32 decided wanted change got job shelter love people hate see people live life lowest basically got job shelter decided would act want career anyways job awesome thought homeless people would hard deal coworker act like high school kid talking shit coworkers stay neutral people say thing people worker real mean people like ask kind work hate people feed lady get shelter late coworker get mad since wa late call pushover tell pushover compassion make mad say sorry first want last word go go lie say threaten get sent home try positive put people shoe le bad guy probably wont job still one guess time end get ahead matter 32 thing looking good family take care wife work part time im fucked drunk sorry grammar dumb person anyways kid half age better grammar cant seem get ahead life
Parents are manipulating me and I can't stand it anymore,"They keep demanding shit from me, I've had enough... I might do it, just to piss them off. Hell... they won't even be pissed off, they will be relieved that ""the piece of shit"" is dead already. Thanks Mom and Dad... Thank you very much! .... Fucking assholes.",IM_SORRY_331,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feahf6/parents_are_manipulating_me_and_i_cant_stand_it/,keep demanding shit enough might piss hell even pissed relieved piece shit dead already thanks mom dad thank much fucking asshole,parent manipulating stand anymore,im sorry 331,259,56,im sorry 331 keep demanding shit enough might piss hell even pissed relieved piece shit dead already thanks mom dad thank much fucking asshole parent manipulating stand anymore
I want to so bad,"i feel like i’ve hit a roadblock, there may be a future but it doesn’t seem worth it at this point. i want to be dead, everyone hates me.",Peyday76,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8rce/i_want_to_so_bad/,feel like hit roadblock may future seem worth point want dead everyone hate,want bad,pey day 76,137,16,pey day 76 feel like hit roadblock may future seem worth point want dead everyone hate want bad
I want to die so badly. But I can’t bear to leave behind my younger siblings & puppy.,"I turn 26 this month. I can’t figure out what brought me to this point but I have been wishing to not exist for the past few years now. I see no point in living on to experience more pain. But I am terrified of a painful suicide and also my little sister has been having similar issues, I can’t be the reason she is pushed over the edge. I feel so helpless and lonely and unloved. I want it to end...",imustbescreaming,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5tzw/i_want_to_die_so_badly_but_i_cant_bear_to_leave/,turn 26 month figure brought point wishing exist past year see point living experience pain terrified painful suicide also little sister ha similar issue reason pushed edge feel helpless lonely unloved want end,want die badly bear leave behind younger sibling amp puppy,must screaming,400,89,must screaming turn 26 month figure brought point wishing exist past year see point living experience pain terrified painful suicide also little sister ha similar issue reason pushed edge feel helpless lonely unloved want end want die badly bear leave behind younger sibling amp puppy
Thinking bout it.,"Has someone here survived an attempt or knows someone who did?
I'd like to know how life looks like when you survive. How it's gonna impact social life (got no friends and family so probably not too much). How it impacts work and school (trying to graduate 2nd time. Dropped out cause of massive depressive episode and cause I got homeless). And just other things like are you put in therapy or even hospitalized and for how long.

I'm in a situation where I just wish to die. But I can't kill myself cause I'm worried about what might happen if it fails or I somehow survive. Like how my life that's already the worst could get even worse then.",guitar-pizza,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fedsq8/thinking_bout_it/,ha someone survived attempt know someone like know life look like survive gonna impact social life got friend family probably much impact work school trying graduate 2nd time dropped cause massive depressive episode cause got homeless thing like put therapy even hospitalized long situation wish die kill cause worried might happen fails somehow survive like life already worst could get even worse,thinking bout,guitar pizza,645,17,guitar pizza ha someone survived attempt know someone like know life look like survive gonna impact social life got friend family probably much impact work school trying graduate 2nd time dropped cause massive depressive episode cause got homeless thing like put therapy even hospitalized long situation wish die kill cause worried might happen fails somehow survive like life already worst could get even worse thinking bout
I'm in emotional distress and I may need to talk to someone before I jump off of my balcony head first. It's really tempting and I really think it's the best choice.,emptypost,iwannadiebadly,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8mmw/im_in_emotional_distress_and_i_may_need_to_talk/,emptypost,emotional distress may need talk someone jump balcony head first really tempting really think best choice,wanna die badly,9,165,wanna die badly emptypost emotional distress may need talk someone jump balcony head first really tempting really think best choice
I’m a pervert I need to kill myself,I’m 20 and I’d rather say why I’m a perv in a dm but I am a perv and I think at this part I might as well milk myself I mean I don’t deserve to live anymore,hopelessromantic_99,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fedrc4/im_a_pervert_i_need_to_kill_myself/,20 rather say perv dm perv think part might well milk mean deserve live anymore,pervert need kill,hopeless romantic 99,156,35,hopeless romantic 99 20 rather say perv dm perv think part might well milk mean deserve live anymore pervert need kill
Is it selfish of me to want my friends to check up on me?,"I'm in my junior year of college and lately my depression has been getting to the point where i can't help but constantly think about either dying somehow or outright killing myself. I can tell that i'm isolating myself from all of my friends. I rarely answer texts and if i'm invited to go out, i either don't respond or make up an excuse. Lots of people have told me they miss seeing me but no one has considered asking me how i'm doing. I feel like i'm being selfish by wanting them to ask me how i am rather than going to them and talking about how badly i'm struggling to just go about my everyday life. I also don't want to go to them with this kind of thing because it's a pretty heavy topic to just bring up out of the blue and i don't want to scare anyone. I don't even know if any of this makes sense so maybe someone else has felt similarly?",emsalamander,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1lmx/is_it_selfish_of_me_to_want_my_friends_to_check/,junior year college lately depression ha getting point help constantly think either dying somehow outright killing tell isolating friend rarely answer text invited go either respond make excuse lot people told miss seeing one ha considered asking feel like selfish wanting ask rather going talking badly struggling go everyday life also want go kind thing pretty heavy topic bring blue want scare anyone even know make sense maybe someone else ha felt similarly,selfish want friend check,em salamander,852,57,em salamander junior year college lately depression ha getting point help constantly think either dying somehow outright killing tell isolating friend rarely answer text invited go either respond make excuse lot people told miss seeing one ha considered asking feel like selfish wanting ask rather going talking badly struggling go everyday life also want go kind thing pretty heavy topic bring blue want scare anyone even know make sense maybe someone else ha felt similarly selfish want friend check
so alone,"this loneliness is killing me inside. i can’t take it anymore. i don’t know what I did to deserve everything going wrong for me. i’m going to die alone, might as well do it now",itsthedownwardspiral,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fea84o/so_alone/,loneliness killing inside take anymore know deserve everything going wrong going die alone might well,alone,downward spiral,176,8,downward spiral loneliness killing inside take anymore know deserve everything going wrong going die alone might well alone
Who else thinks that it would be better to be dead while sleeping,"I'm 17 years old and I feel suicidal for 5or 6 months. I think about killing my self nearly everyday but I don't have enough courage to do it. Every night before going to bed,I think to myself ""I hope I can die this night."" Is there anybody who feels the same as me?",gorkemf,19,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1xo2/who_else_thinks_that_it_would_be_better_to_be/,17 year old feel suicidal 5or 6 month think killing self nearly everyday enough courage every night going bed think hope die night anybody feel,else think would better dead sleeping,go rk emf,266,65,go rk emf 17 year old feel suicidal 5or 6 month think killing self nearly everyday enough courage every night going bed think hope die night anybody feel else think would better dead sleeping
Life sucks and I think there's something wrong with me.,"Ever since I came to the States for college, I've just been in a depressive state of mind. School killed my passion for what I wanted to do with a shit ton of work and almost no free time to myself. I want to change schools/take a gap year, but I am unable to do that due to financial reasons. I don't have friends in school. I have classmates, but they feel more like coworkers who are just concerned about themselves and their own career, more than friends. My family doesn't feel like a family; it's a nightmare where everyone hates each other. 

I used to be a very optimistic guy with very little pessimism. But now, I feel like my pessimistic side has taken over me. I *think* that there's an inner voice that tells me that I should go ahead and kill myself because it's an easy solution to every single problem I have. I also noticed that I'm not being my original self anymore. I lose patience way faster than I used to, I get upset more easily, and so much more. I feel like I've lost my own self. I don't know who I am anymore. Everything seems pointless and nothing motivates me to work hard and live life anymore.

BUT I know I shouldn't act on suicide. I understand that it's wrong and selfish. And my reasons to suicide are not reasonable AT ALL. I keep telling myself that I'm just in a rough patch of life and it's just a small hill that I'd have to climb over. 

School, on the other hand, is just a lot of work. The stress piled up from the amount of work, family issues, financial concerns, **and** my depressive shit thoughts does not help at all. Further, my procrastination absolutely fucked me over this semester. I'm going to fail my classes and probably have to retake them. My parents are going to be crazy mad at me, yet I don't care for some reason. My concerns aren't at school, but at life itself.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I should do. I can't tell if I became a lazy person and now I'm trying to justify my laziness or if this is just my body's response to a lot of stress accumulated over the years.

I hate the state of mind that I am in. I hate that I think too much. I hate myself for allowing myself to become this person.",WangChoBo,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/febbg1/life_sucks_and_i_think_theres_something_wrong/,ever since came state college depressive state mind school killed passion wanted shit ton work almost free time want change school take gap year unable due financial reason friend school classmate feel like coworkers concerned career friend family feel like family nightmare everyone hate used optimistic guy little pessimism feel like pessimistic side ha taken think inner voice tell go ahead kill easy solution every single problem also noticed original self anymore lose patience way faster used get upset easily much feel like lost self know anymore everything seems pointless nothing motivates work hard live life anymore know act suicide understand wrong selfish reason suicide reasonable keep telling rough patch life small hill climb school hand lot work stress piled amount work family issue financial concern depressive shit thought doe help procrastination absolutely fucked semester going fail class probably retake parent going crazy mad yet care reason concern school life know know tell became lazy person trying justify laziness body response lot stress accumulated year hate state mind hate think much hate allowing become person,life suck think something wrong,wang c hobo,2177,55,wang c hobo ever since came state college depressive state mind school killed passion wanted shit ton work almost free time want change school take gap year unable due financial reason friend school classmate feel like coworkers concerned career friend family feel like family nightmare everyone hate used optimistic guy little pessimism feel like pessimistic side ha taken think inner voice tell go ahead kill easy solution every single problem also noticed original self anymore lose patience way faster used get upset easily much feel like lost self know anymore everything seems pointless nothing motivates work hard live life anymore know act suicide understand wrong selfish reason suicide reasonable keep telling rough patch life small hill climb school hand lot work stress piled amount work family issue financial concern depressive shit thought doe help procrastination absolutely fucked semester going fail class probably retake parent going crazy mad yet care reason concern school life know know tell became lazy person trying justify laziness body response lot stress accumulated year hate state mind hate think much hate allowing become person life suck think something wrong
cry for help,"so much is going on, I have the worst coping mechanisms, I’m contemplating so much things and I just ...can’t",LadyDeadDivine,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/febae5/cry_for_help/,much going worst coping mechanism contemplating much thing,cry help,lady dead divine,109,12,lady dead divine much going worst coping mechanism contemplating much thing cry help
Without a stable living situation and losing hope,"Just over a week ago I left a really shitty situation with parents who have treated me pretty awfully for years and I am finally free - however, I'm homeless. I have been staying with friends and I spend some time in crisis accommodation provided by my psychologist after I finally opened up to her about everything they have been doing to me, and it's just been really hard.

I'm having trouble getting the legal documents I need to secure a stable living situation, in my country so much of that is reliant on parental confirmation even though I am a legal adult, and I met up with my mum today to try and talk things out with her but I got brutalised and put down and just made to feel really worthless all over again. She couldn't even not be cruel to me after meeting for just one day after not seeing eachother for awhile, so I have decided to go no contact.

I feel really helpless. I feel like the systems in place quite literally fuck you over if you have abusive families, needing their birth certificates to verify things. I feel like it has been made near impossible for me to live independently without them but I know I can never go back because they have put me through so much trauma and so many things I know to not be okay and they have no remorse, and I'm never going to put up with that ever again.

I really don't want to go on anymore, I feel so weak, I have been trying so hard to get everything in order for 10 days straight and it has amounted to nothing, and I really feel like I have no other choice,",_I-Hate-Reddit_,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feb52l/without_a_stable_living_situation_and_losing_hope/,week ago left really shitty situation parent treated pretty awfully year finally free however homeless staying friend spend time crisis accommodation provided psychologist finally opened everything really hard trouble getting legal document need secure stable living situation country much reliant parental confirmation even though legal adult met mum today try talk thing got brutalised put made feel really worthless even cruel meeting one day seeing eachother awhile decided go contact feel really helpless feel like system place quite literally fuck abusive family needing birth certificate verify thing feel like ha made near impossible live independently without know never go back put much trauma many thing know okay remorse never going put ever really want go anymore feel weak trying hard get everything order 10 day straight ha amounted nothing really feel like choice,without stable living situation losing hope,hate reddit,1527,49,hate reddit week ago left really shitty situation parent treated pretty awfully year finally free however homeless staying friend spend time crisis accommodation provided psychologist finally opened everything really hard trouble getting legal document need secure stable living situation country much reliant parental confirmation even though legal adult met mum today try talk thing got brutalised put made feel really worthless even cruel meeting one day seeing eachother awhile decided go contact feel really helpless feel like system place quite literally fuck abusive family needing birth certificate verify thing feel like ha made near impossible live independently without know never go back put much trauma many thing know okay remorse never going put ever really want go anymore feel weak trying hard get everything order 10 day straight ha amounted nothing really feel like choice without stable living situation losing hope
Just in case...,"I'm an 18 year old with severe depression, anxiety, ADHD, borderline personality disorder and DID at a point in my life. But I'm slowly recovering.

I have always felt like I never belonged to this world, because I am ""too imaginative"" and ""too kind"". I behave ""not like how people should"". I'm mostly well-liked, but I know they think I'm a weirdo. Everyone does.

It's final exam time for us, and I have to secure good marks, otherwise I won't be able to enter any good streams in a good college. It would be the end of my future. My family is in a financial crunch, but they give up everything for me. I am dead-set on helping my friends get through their depression and suicidal tendencies, but I'm failing at that. I have had three attempts, but I was saved by a person, who himself was alexithymic (I think) and suicidal. He still is, and he says if he doesn't do well, he will commit suicide.

I don't know what I'm gonna do if I don't perform the way I should. But I certainly know that I will die if he does.

In case everything goes wrong, I'll leave. There's no other way. The day of my death is nearing. It's just 3 months away.

Love you all. Have a good day.",StarFallScarlet,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9wn7/just_in_case/,18 year old severe depression anxiety adhd borderline personality disorder point life slowly recovering always felt like never belonged world imaginative kind behave like people mostly well liked know think weirdo everyone doe final exam time u secure good mark otherwise able enter good stream good college would end future family financial crunch give everything dead set helping friend get depression suicidal tendency failing three attempt wa saved person wa alexithymic think suicidal still say well commit suicide know gonna perform way certainly know die doe case everything go wrong leave way day death nearing 3 month away love good day,case,star fall scarlet,1172,15,star fall scarlet 18 year old severe depression anxiety adhd borderline personality disorder point life slowly recovering always felt like never belonged world imaginative kind behave like people mostly well liked know think weirdo everyone doe final exam time u secure good mark otherwise able enter good stream good college would end future family financial crunch give everything dead set helping friend get depression suicidal tendency failing three attempt wa saved person wa alexithymic think suicidal still say well commit suicide know gonna perform way certainly know die doe case everything go wrong leave way day death nearing 3 month away love good day case
I attempted last night and lived,"This a a follow up [to this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdojaj/killing_myself_right_after_i_post_this/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) because there were a lot of you who left really supportive comments and messages. I appreciate it. I’m in the hospital and will lose my phone soon, but wanted everyone to know that I didn’t die, unfortunately. I will die by suicide someday, but not today. Thanks. I’m not as alone as I thought.",runningrunningrunrun,32,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdv8dq/i_attempted_last_night_and_lived/,follow post http www reddit com r suicidewatch comment fdojaj killing_myself_right_after_i_post_this utm_source share amp utm_medium ios_app amp utm_name iossmf lot left really supportive comment message appreciate hospital lose phone soon wanted everyone know die unfortunately die suicide someday today thanks alone thought,attempted last night lived,running running run run,483,32,running running run run follow post http www reddit com r suicidewatch comment fdojaj killing_myself_right_after_i_post_this utm_source share amp utm_medium ios_app amp utm_name iossmf lot left really supportive comment message appreciate hospital lose phone soon wanted everyone know die unfortunately die suicide someday today thanks alone thought attempted last night lived
"I'm tired of acting happy, i am tired of being alive","My whole life is a lie, I just act happy because that what people expect me to do. How the fuck could I be happy. I'm only 18 and I've had several people u know kill themselves, I've watched as a man drown to death right in front of me and my parents make me go right back to the spot that it happened right by my grandma's house. I have to sleep twenty feet away from that, and  I am told to man up just deal with it. Well I'm fucking tired of pretending. I've been molested and my father left me, not once but twice. How can be happy with that? What pisses me off is that sense he left me and won't awnser my calls I'll never get to see my little sisters. Two of them that I'll never get too meet. But you know I'm a good boy, I just need to smile through the pain and just be happy. Right? That's what my family says to do, that's what society says to do. If you aren't a woman then you can't be sexual attacked. You can't be depressed your just sad. But just fuck all of this.",santiiiiiiiiiiiii,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9txx/im_tired_of_acting_happy_i_am_tired_of_being_alive/,whole life lie act happy people expect fuck could happy 18 several people u know kill watched man drown death right front parent make go right back spot happened right grandma house sleep twenty foot away told man deal well fucking tired pretending molested father left twice happy piss sense left awnser call never get see little sister two never get meet know good boy need smile pain happy right family say society say woman sexual attacked depressed sad fuck,tired acting happy tired alive,santi iii iii iii iii,980,52,santi iii iii iii iii whole life lie act happy people expect fuck could happy 18 several people u know kill watched man drown death right front parent make go right back spot happened right grandma house sleep twenty foot away told man deal well fucking tired pretending molested father left twice happy piss sense left awnser call never get see little sister two never get meet know good boy need smile pain happy right family say society say woman sexual attacked depressed sad fuck tired acting happy tired alive
Morning vibes,"Laying bed listening to Joji and wishing I just didn’t live on this Earth. I’m just so tired of existing. The stress is unbearable I don’t know what to do. Just fucking venting on my phone because it sucks. Reasons to not off myself; 1) my sister moved in with my for university, 2) my mother.",adistenmilesout,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fed1or/morning_vibes/,laying bed listening joji wishing live earth tired existing stress unbearable know fucking venting phone suck reason 1 sister moved university 2 mother,morning vibe,ad ten mile,293,13,ad ten mile laying bed listening joji wishing live earth tired existing stress unbearable know fucking venting phone suck reason 1 sister moved university 2 mother morning vibe
Suicide thoughts,"Hi Reddit, my name is Robert and I have some issues to share with you. I am 20 years old, I am from Romania and I have ADHD. In middle school I had some issues with social integration. My parents were strict with me and didn't let me go outside with other people. That's how I got isolated. In high school I've tried to make friends again to be a new begin but it didn't work. At 16 years old I've started to masturbate everyday and at 17 to drink alcoholic drinks. I thought that this would numb my pain. Because of that I've failed my final exam BAC (exam to enter in any university). Now I don't have a job and I have suicidal thoughts and I think I'll kil myself someday. My parents doesn't want to let me go to psychotheraphy they think is useless. What should I do? Every month is worse!! I really need help!!!",robertsindie1999,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fed0r9/suicide_thoughts/,hi reddit name robert issue share 20 year old romania adhd middle school issue social integration parent strict let go outside people got isolated high school tried make friend new begin work 16 year old started masturbate everyday 17 drink alcoholic drink thought would numb pain failed final exam bac exam enter university job suicidal thought think kil someday parent want let go psychotheraphy think useless every month worse really need help,suicide thought,robert indie 1999,816,16,robert indie 1999 hi reddit name robert issue share 20 year old romania adhd middle school issue social integration parent strict let go outside people got isolated high school tried make friend new begin work 16 year old started masturbate everyday 17 drink alcoholic drink thought would numb pain failed final exam bac exam enter university job suicidal thought think kil someday parent want let go psychotheraphy think useless every month worse really need help suicide thought
I'm going to be homeless and I'm scared,emptypost,ifeelreallyuseless,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7ril/im_going_to_be_homeless_and_im_scared/,emptypost,going homeless scared,feel really useless,9,39,feel really useless emptypost going homeless scared
✅21yo ✅no school ✅ family hates me ✅ alcooholic,"Me : 21yo french garbage
My parents made me go to engineering school, far from their home in paris, after 3 years of preparatory in maths and physics . I immediatly hated the school, i  did a few entreprise visit with my class and i knew i didnt want to be an engineer. I d rather kill myself than becoming one engislave. I made really good friends in this city tho, even if i wasn't going to school anymore  at one point i was still very happy because of them.

So i told my parents i wanted to stop engineering school, that i wanted to get a job until next year when i will go study something i always dreamt about, becoming a doctor. I went back home for holidays, 3 weeks ago.

I have rough background story with my parents, i'm always in conflict with them and until last summer they always solved conflicts by hitting me or insulting me, saying horrible things that made me hate them. They did make me sleep outside for a few days when i was still a good student in preparatory class, they made me bleed several times, my dad with a sharped stick of wood and my mom with her nails.

I told them i wanted to get a job in the city i was studying, far from home, because i could be near my friends. I told them being home with them was torture, that it was making me go insane and suicidal. I'm still at their home rn, i have a job, but i still want to go live in this city, with my friends and my girlfriend who lives there and to get a job there. Nobody talks to me at home, they took my computer and my credit card. I cant go out, i cant see any friend nearby, i cant do anything or enjoy life. 

They want me stay here, no discussion possible. They make me want to kill myself, they repeating every time i talk about my friends that they don't care about me, that they think i'm a looser and  a piece of shit because i stopped this school.

I want to go to this city next week, but i dont have my appartment anymore. I don't know how to convince them to pay the rent for just one month, the time for me to get a job and be independent.",Drivax,17,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdzh7r/21yo_no_school_family_hates_me_alcooholic/,21yo french garbage parent made go engineering school far home paris 3 year preparatory math physic immediatly hated school entreprise visit class knew didnt want engineer rather kill becoming one engislave made really good friend city tho even going school anymore one point wa still happy told parent wanted stop engineering school wanted get job next year go study something always dreamt becoming doctor went back home holiday 3 week ago rough background story parent always conflict last summer always solved conflict hitting insulting saying horrible thing made hate make sleep outside day wa still good student preparatory class made bleed several time dad sharped stick wood mom nail told wanted get job city wa studying far home could near friend told home wa torture wa making go insane suicidal still home rn job still want go live city friend girlfriend life get job nobody talk home took computer credit card cant go cant see friend nearby cant anything enjoy life want stay discussion possible make want kill repeating every time talk friend care think looser piece shit stopped school want go city next week dont appartment anymore know convince pay rent one month time get job independent,21yo school family hate alcooholic,riva x,2042,47,riva x 21yo french garbage parent made go engineering school far home paris 3 year preparatory math physic immediatly hated school entreprise visit class knew didnt want engineer rather kill becoming one engislave made really good friend city tho even going school anymore one point wa still happy told parent wanted stop engineering school wanted get job next year go study something always dreamt becoming doctor went back home holiday 3 week ago rough background story parent always conflict last summer always solved conflict hitting insulting saying horrible thing made hate make sleep outside day wa still good student preparatory class made bleed several time dad sharped stick wood mom nail told wanted get job city wa studying far home could near friend told home wa torture wa making go insane suicidal still home rn job still want go live city friend girlfriend life get job nobody talk home took computer credit card cant go cant see friend nearby cant anything enjoy life want stay discussion possible make want kill repeating every time talk friend care think looser piece shit stopped school want go city next week dont appartment anymore know convince pay rent one month time get job independent 21yo school family hate alcooholic
it’s my 19th birthday,"i never planned to live past like, 16. i was diagnosed with depression when i was 12, but both of my parents were the “just pray about it and ignore it and it’ll go away” type, so i never was allowed to see a therapist or consider medications. i struggled with -bad coping mechanisms- for years, and i attempted 2 years and one month ago, to the day. i never planned for my future. i never made a plan because i never thought i’d need one. i wish i could say i want to spend the next year figuring out what i want for the rest of my life, but honestly i can only think about how i wish i didn’t have to deal with living anymore. i don’t have support from friends and family, the closest thing i have is my best friend saying that if i ever did it would make her kill herself too, and then her bf would, and then my pets wouldn’t have me, and it would ruin everyone else’s lives. she’s not wrong, but when i open up about suicidal thought, i don’t want to hear that i don’t have a choice because i’ll continue to make everyone else’s lives worse. idk what i want to do, i’m not planning on killing myself or anything, i just don’t know how to stop wishing i could.",whatsupBRUTHUH,15,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9d2z/its_my_19th_birthday/,never planned live past like 16 wa diagnosed depression wa 12 parent pray ignore go away type never wa allowed see therapist consider medication struggled bad coping mechanism year attempted 2 year one month ago day never planned future never made plan never thought need one wish could say want spend next year figuring want rest life honestly think wish deal living anymore support friend family closest thing best friend saying ever would make kill bf would pet would ruin everyone else life wrong open suicidal thought want hear choice continue make everyone else life worse idk want planning killing anything know stop wishing could,19th birthday,sup b ruth uh,1163,21,sup b ruth uh never planned live past like 16 wa diagnosed depression wa 12 parent pray ignore go away type never wa allowed see therapist consider medication struggled bad coping mechanism year attempted 2 year one month ago day never planned future never made plan never thought need one wish could say want spend next year figuring want rest life honestly think wish deal living anymore support friend family closest thing best friend saying ever would make kill bf would pet would ruin everyone else life wrong open suicidal thought want hear choice continue make everyone else life worse idk want planning killing anything know stop wishing could 19th birthday
why do i keep coming back here? nobody can help me. What do i want from whoever reads this?,"we have lingered in the chambers of the sea, 

with sea girls wreathed in sea weed red and brown

Until human voices wake us

and we drown.

​

I want to tell my story. I want to be understood. I want to be remembered. Death is stalking us. Suicide or covid-19.  Car wreck  or cancer. Go out in a blaze or just simply die in  your sleep.   


I have suicidal ideations but i'm not sure if they are real or that it is just I see death  stalking me. Why kill myself?  No need.  Death is using the clues that i leave everywhere so that it can find me. 

​

It is blind. Death is blind. It just creeps around touching and feeling things until it finds it's prey and then it simply  taps you on the shoulder. Your left shoulder. Then it will whisper it's secret to you.  When you know death's secret, then you are dead. Everything beyond that is a secret.  It is the only secret in the history of the world that has ever been truly kept.    


The dead unswervingly serve their master.  No secrets told .  Death cannot be betrayed.  It cradled you before you born and  will hold you once again when you die. 

It isn't evil. It just IS. Everything just IS. 

I hope i am brave when I  finally feel that tap on my shoulder.  I want to greet death like an old friend because it is.  Death is our mother. It loves us unconditionally and will deny no one of it's love.  Oblivion is just fancy word eternal peace.   


We all want peace.  We want the  vibrations to subside and   when  the blur finally stops , we are left   with the secret we were told.  That secret that tells itself.     It wasn't such a  secret after all. Ashes  Ashes   We all fall down.",goodNonEvilHarry,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe42iv/why_do_i_keep_coming_back_here_nobody_can_help_me/,lingered chamber sea sea girl wreathed sea weed red brown human voice wake u drown amp x200b want tell story want understood want remembered death stalking u suicide covid 19 car wreck cancer go blaze simply die sleep suicidal ideation sure real see death stalking kill need death using clue leave everywhere find amp x200b blind death blind creep around touching feeling thing find prey simply tap shoulder left shoulder whisper secret know death secret dead everything beyond secret secret history world ha ever truly kept dead unswervingly serve master secret told death cannot betrayed cradled born hold die evil everything hope brave finally feel tap shoulder want greet death like old friend death mother love u unconditionally deny one love oblivion fancy word eternal peace want peace want vibration subside blur finally stop left secret told secret tell secret ash ash fall,keep coming back nobody help want whoever read,good non evil harry,1671,91,good non evil harry lingered chamber sea sea girl wreathed sea weed red brown human voice wake u drown amp x200b want tell story want understood want remembered death stalking u suicide covid 19 car wreck cancer go blaze simply die sleep suicidal ideation sure real see death stalking kill need death using clue leave everywhere find amp x200b blind death blind creep around touching feeling thing find prey simply tap shoulder left shoulder whisper secret know death secret dead everything beyond secret secret history world ha ever truly kept dead unswervingly serve master secret told death cannot betrayed cradled born hold die evil everything hope brave finally feel tap shoulder want greet death like old friend death mother love u unconditionally deny one love oblivion fancy word eternal peace want peace want vibration subside blur finally stop left secret told secret tell secret ash ash fall keep coming back nobody help want whoever read
Eh,"I’m usually ok now but still hate myself too often, fantasize about death in detailed ways. Anyone else",jellyducksoup,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feabbb/eh/,usually ok still hate often fantasize death detailed way anyone else,eh,jelly duck soup,103,2,jelly duck soup usually ok still hate often fantasize death detailed way anyone else eh
I'm scared of losing hope,"Im scared that one day I may not be strong enough, not thoughtful enough, not hopeful enough... and end up doing it... you all know that one word, the one that's frightening and unbearable to say or even type. Suicide :(",vaaleanpunainen52,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe67l8/im_scared_of_losing_hope/,im scared one day may strong enough thoughtful enough hopeful enough end know one word one frightening unbearable say even type suicide,scared losing hope,vaal e puna inen 52,220,25,vaal e puna inen 52 im scared one day may strong enough thoughtful enough hopeful enough end know one word one frightening unbearable say even type suicide scared losing hope
Anyone who wanna talk about it?," 

I am sorry for any error, english not my first language and I'm very anxious right now. It's a long story and it's kind of confusing, but here we go.

I am depressed since ever, I don't know when it started or how it started, the only thing that I know is that I am depressed since I was a kid and things is getting worse and worse. I was in big crisis in the last two years, life was not what I was expecting to be and things are so complicated, I tried, tried and I am still being fucked by things. So my cousin lives in another country and I asked her if I could stay with her for 3 months until things get better and I can organize myself to live here. So I moved here one month ago and I am trying to build things to live here. Maybe another country, another life maybe things get better, I don't know, I am trying.  
When I asked her if I can stay in her home she was really kind and supportive, it was in august/2019. Then I got here last month and she isn't nice at all. She wakes me up on purpose, she says bad things like ""I can watch my tv cause you are sleeping on the couch"" (the couch is ""my bed"" now). She insinuated that I should find a place for me since the day I arrived here. I try the most to help with things, I clean the house, I wash her clothes, I go the supermarket, I buy the food, I cook the food, I try to be outside the most so I give her a space. And still she's acting bad towards me. I don't know what to do since I asked her to be here for 3 months and after one month things are bad like this. The thing is that I feel so lonely right now and then I tried to talk with her yesterday and she was so mean, she say things like ""people are lonely"", ""grow up that life is hard"", ""cut off this depressed shit"" and others things really mean. The she got out and get really really really drunk with her friends and when she got home, she was another person, she was fun, making jokes, making me laugh, we watch a movie together and I was so fucked up with all the shit that I didn't sleep at all this night. Then she wakes up and starting a argument with me cause the dishes are dirty, but it was her, she used this last night when she was drunk, I tried to talk with her and she just said something like ""I hate that you here"". Now I am really confused. I know that I am not the asshole at all, but will I be the asshole if I kill myself now? I don't wanna kill myself because of her, I just wanna end it all cause I am so full of this shitty life. Will I be the asshole if I kill myself now here, away from my family, without saying goodbye, without people knowing what really happened to me?",todayigonnadie,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fec1yg/anyone_who_wanna_talk_about_it/,sorry error english first language anxious right long story kind confusing go depressed since ever know started started thing know depressed since wa kid thing getting worse worse wa big crisis last two year life wa wa expecting thing complicated tried tried still fucked thing cousin life another country asked could stay 3 month thing get better organize live moved one month ago trying build thing live maybe another country another life maybe thing get better know trying asked stay home wa really kind supportive wa august 2019 got last month nice wake purpose say bad thing like watch tv cause sleeping couch couch bed insinuated find place since day arrived try help thing clean house wash clothes go supermarket buy food cook food try outside give space still acting bad towards know since asked 3 month one month thing bad like thing feel lonely right tried talk yesterday wa mean say thing like people lonely grow life hard cut depressed shit others thing really mean got get really really really drunk friend got home wa another person wa fun making joke making laugh watch movie together wa fucked shit sleep night wake starting argument cause dish dirty wa used last night wa drunk tried talk said something like hate really confused know asshole asshole kill wanna kill wanna end cause full shitty life asshole kill away family without saying goodbye without people knowing really happened,anyone wanna talk,today gonna die,2624,31,today gonna die sorry error english first language anxious right long story kind confusing go depressed since ever know started started thing know depressed since wa kid thing getting worse worse wa big crisis last two year life wa wa expecting thing complicated tried tried still fucked thing cousin life another country asked could stay 3 month thing get better organize live moved one month ago trying build thing live maybe another country another life maybe thing get better know trying asked stay home wa really kind supportive wa august 2019 got last month nice wake purpose say bad thing like watch tv cause sleeping couch couch bed insinuated find place since day arrived try help thing clean house wash clothes go supermarket buy food cook food try outside give space still acting bad towards know since asked 3 month one month thing bad like thing feel lonely right tried talk yesterday wa mean say thing like people lonely grow life hard cut depressed shit others thing really mean got get really really really drunk friend got home wa another person wa fun making joke making laugh watch movie together wa fucked shit sleep night wake starting argument cause dish dirty wa used last night wa drunk tried talk said something like hate really confused know asshole asshole kill wanna kill wanna end cause full shitty life asshole kill away family without saying goodbye without people knowing really happened anyone wanna talk
I want to die because I am actually useless,"I got no talent whatsoever. I got nothing I want to do. I tried hard to search for what I can do and what I'm good at, just to find out I'm actually hopeless. That I have no fucking talent whatsoever. No motivation for anything as well. I'm a huge disappointment to everyone around me and it hurts. I love my friends and family, I want them to be proud of me, but there is nothing about me to be proud of. Until recently, I have tried my best with everything. Studying, socializing, classes I was taking, everything. I had the motivation of making my parents and friends proud. Of being a useful human being so they can love me. So I can be loveable. I lost that motivation recently. When my parents said that I am not good enough, said my younger sister is better than me and laughed. I got pissed and told them I was trying my best and they told me that I wasn't and that my result grades were the evidence. (I got 2 B's in math and social studies by 0.1 and 0.2 difference each, otherwise all A)They called me dumb and that they regret spending so much money on me if I was going to be this way, not working hard and not getting the best results. They said that I was acting depressed for no reason and I am whining about my life because I am spoiled. To break me completely my father said he is losing motivation to go to work and earn money because I am wasting it. Then my mother said I disappoint her. It is my fault that I couldn't get straight As on everything and I admit that I could have done better if I pushed myself harder, I admit that I should have done that but those words did hurt a lot for me. At that point, I still wanted to impress my friends but then my parents told me they won't want to hang out with me if I keep this up and continue being dumb, useless and not helpful. That made me feel like every effort I'm making is useless. Nobody ever told me I was doing a good job, my parents didn't compliment me whatsoever. I am done. I was diagnosed with depression and even then my parents never took me seriously saying that I lied. I want to be a loveable person and be loved. These days I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to die. May sound like I am whining, but my parent's validation were all I want and what I lived for until now. I don't know what to do and I dont even know what I am writing here but I just really, really want to die, disappear so my parents dont have to waste their hard earn money on me anymore, and could support my talented younger sister instead. I hope they could use the money to go on vacations and do something useful, instead of wasting it on me. I am a burden to people around me and I hate it. I want to die and I hopefully will soon enough",istanbobross,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fea15c/i_want_to_die_because_i_am_actually_useless/,got talent whatsoever got nothing want tried hard search good find actually hopeless fucking talent whatsoever motivation anything well huge disappointment everyone around hurt love friend family want proud nothing proud recently tried best everything studying socializing class wa taking everything motivation making parent friend proud useful human love loveable lost motivation recently parent said good enough said younger sister better laughed got pissed told wa trying best told result grade evidence got 2 b math social study 0 1 0 2 difference otherwise called dumb regret spending much money wa going way working hard getting best result said wa acting depressed reason whining life spoiled break completely father said losing motivation go work earn money wasting mother said disappoint fault get straight everything admit could done better pushed harder admit done word hurt lot point still wanted impress friend parent told want hang keep continue dumb useless helpful made feel like every effort making useless nobody ever told wa good job parent compliment whatsoever done wa diagnosed depression even parent never took seriously saying lied want loveable person loved day motivation anything want die may sound like whining parent validation want lived know dont even know writing really really want die disappear parent dont waste hard earn money anymore could support talented younger sister instead hope could use money go vacation something useful instead wasting burden people around hate want die hopefully soon enough,want die actually useless,tan bob ross,2716,43,tan bob ross got talent whatsoever got nothing want tried hard search good find actually hopeless fucking talent whatsoever motivation anything well huge disappointment everyone around hurt love friend family want proud nothing proud recently tried best everything studying socializing class wa taking everything motivation making parent friend proud useful human love loveable lost motivation recently parent said good enough said younger sister better laughed got pissed told wa trying best told result grade evidence got 2 b math social study 0 1 0 2 difference otherwise called dumb regret spending much money wa going way working hard getting best result said wa acting depressed reason whining life spoiled break completely father said losing motivation go work earn money wasting mother said disappoint fault get straight everything admit could done better pushed harder admit done word hurt lot point still wanted impress friend parent told want hang keep continue dumb useless helpful made feel like every effort making useless nobody ever told wa good job parent compliment whatsoever done wa diagnosed depression even parent never took seriously saying lied want loveable person loved day motivation anything want die may sound like whining parent validation want lived know dont even know writing really really want die disappear parent dont waste hard earn money anymore could support talented younger sister instead hope could use money go vacation something useful instead wasting burden people around hate want die hopefully soon enough want die actually useless
Does anyone feel like the Universe has chosen you especially to make you suffer?,"First of all, sorry... I’m Brazilian and my english is broken.

I'm 26 years old, I think I'm beautiful and I look younger, but I've been in severe depression for over ten years because of family losses and my borderline disorder, and I think I was born mentally ill. I was hospitalized in 2016 and 2017 and under psychiatric treatment, but I think that I have no cure. 

I stopped going to university, I stopped working, everything goes wrong, but last year I thought everything was going to change. I met someone and helped him, gave him house, food, love and my family accepted him, but he made it worse, made me go through hell, left me at the rock bottom, and then this year he left, he left me!! Now he is living a happy life and I that helped him.. well I’m living in chaos. 

THAT'S NOT FAIR!  WHY EVERYTHING GOES WRONG IN MY LIFE?

 I love my family, my 25 cats and I still love him. But I can't go on anymore. I feel exhausted and too old.",MiaNebulosaX,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8npk/does_anyone_feel_like_the_universe_has_chosen_you/,first sorry brazilian english broken 26 year old think beautiful look younger severe depression ten year family loss borderline disorder think wa born mentally ill wa hospitalized 2016 2017 psychiatric treatment think cure stopped going university stopped working everything go wrong last year thought everything wa going change met someone helped gave house food love family accepted made worse made go hell left rock bottom year left left living happy life helped well living chaos fair everything go wrong life love family 25 cat still love go anymore feel exhausted old,doe anyone feel like universe ha chosen especially make suffer,mia nebulosa x,949,80,mia nebulosa x first sorry brazilian english broken 26 year old think beautiful look younger severe depression ten year family loss borderline disorder think wa born mentally ill wa hospitalized 2016 2017 psychiatric treatment think cure stopped going university stopped working everything go wrong last year thought everything wa going change met someone helped gave house food love family accepted made worse made go hell left rock bottom year left left living happy life helped well living chaos fair everything go wrong life love family 25 cat still love go anymore feel exhausted old doe anyone feel like universe ha chosen especially make suffer
Maybe its for the best that I don't live anymore,"I am almost 40, on disability morbidly obese and can't lose weight no matter how hard I try.   I am almost 40, with nothing but a 500 dollar laptop that my neighbor gave me that is falling apart and only worth around 70 if that. a pair of shoes that are falling apart and hurt when I walk in them. about a dozen worn-out socks and a few shirts and pants all black. mostly sweat pants and two pairs of blue jeans and a worn-out wallet that is falling apart on me. 

I am on disability getting less than 800$ USD a month and have no educational background no GED was homeless for over 8 years and have bad teeth because of it. some need fixing and one needs a new crown. I wasn't taught dental hygiene until I became homeless and even then brushing and flossing was the least of my worries. it was more of getting food and trying to survive. 

I spent the past few years trying to get my GED and failed even with tutors and teachers and study groups found out I have learning issues that make it hard for me to get my GED and I basically have to go from the 2nd and 3rd grade to 12th grade in every subject.

I have no family, no friends. I am utterly alone in this world. Bought a car two years ago was my first car and was planning on living in it but got scammed out of 3k. been trying to save again for another car to live in but been unable to. 

Renting a bedroom from an elderly woman with bad health and she is going in for surgery today if she doesn't make it I will be homeless again nowhere to live and unable to survive being homeless this time. My body has arthritis in my lower back, rheumatoid arthritis in my knees and feet. there's days that I just can't get out of bed because of it hurting so badly. there is no way I can survive being on the streets again.

I feel like complete and utter crap especially compared to everyone else and now realizing how worthless I am in life and maybe it is for the best I just don't live anymore. I have nothing in this world to live for other than myself and even then I don't care to do that anymore. nothing in my life will get better. 

I applied for HUD housing and was supposed to move into my own apartment after 7 years of waiting on the list for over 40 hud housing I got accepted to one but I couldn't make it there as I had no money to get there or for first months rent, downpayment, or to have the lights turned on. 

I spent the past ten years trying to better my life but only to get knocked down every time I get up. For example. saved 3 to 4 years up to 3k and bought my first car then got scammed by the dealership. Resaved money up to 900 dollars then needed two teeth pulled which cost 450 each after tax which drained my 900 I had saved last month after almost a year of saving. Then I got called up for my first apartment ever and couldn't get there. 

Two years ago needed eye surgery to remove a cataract in my right eye and now need it done in my left eye but the Dr refuses and now Texas is doing this Real ID stuff where you need a star on your driver license and in order to do that I need an eye exam and I will most likely fail it and lose my driver license because of the cataract in my left eye so there goes the driver license and there goes getting a car to live in. 

Spent years trying to get my GED only to fail it every time I try. spent the past eight years in the dating scene only to get rejected by women over my weight and told I am worthless and have nothing to offer a relationship or just downright mocked at and laughed at over my weight.

I got the cataracts in my eyes from taking Androgel testosterone medication because I have very low testosterone and I am on thyroid meds because my thyroid is basically dead and when they gave the max dose I lost 45 lbs in 8 months with absolutely no changes to my diet or daily routine but then gained it back a year later..

I just literally can't take anymore of this crummy life and to the point of thinking death is a lot better than this and it is better to be dead than keep failing or being knocked down every time I try to do something with my life. 

I also suffer from CPTSD = Complex post traumatic Stress Disorder. I didn't serve just from things I been through in my life and childhood. I also suffer from Severe chronic depression, Severe social anxiety, severe abandonment issues, paranoia and learning issues. I have been diagnosed with them all. 

I have looked up issues with autism and self diagnosing that I may be borderline autistic as I have some of the same issues in that spectrum. I am just so tired of fighting and so tired of going through life like this barely being able to breath and barely being able to survive and have absolutely nothing to show for it.",d3ad1ns1de,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5tkh/maybe_its_for_the_best_that_i_dont_live_anymore/,almost 40 disability morbidly obese lose weight matter hard try almost 40 nothing 500 dollar laptop neighbor gave falling apart worth around 70 pair shoe falling apart hurt walk dozen worn sock shirt pant black mostly sweat pant two pair blue jean worn wallet falling apart disability getting le 800 usd month educational background ged wa homeless 8 year bad teeth need fixing one need new crown taught dental hygiene became homeless even brushing flossing wa least worry wa getting food trying survive spent past year trying get ged failed even tutor teacher study group found learning issue make hard get ged basically go 2nd 3rd grade 12th grade every subject family friend utterly alone world bought car two year ago wa first car wa planning living got scammed 3k trying save another car live unable renting bedroom elderly woman bad health going surgery today make homeless nowhere live unable survive homeless time body ha arthritis lower back rheumatoid arthritis knee foot day get bed hurting badly way survive street feel like complete utter crap especially compared everyone else realizing worthless life maybe best live anymore nothing world live even care anymore nothing life get better applied hud housing wa supposed move apartment 7 year waiting list 40 hud housing got accepted one make money get first month rent downpayment light turned spent past ten year trying better life get knocked every time get example saved 3 4 year 3k bought first car got scammed dealership resaved money 900 dollar needed two teeth pulled cost 450 tax drained 900 saved last month almost year saving got called first apartment ever get two year ago needed eye surgery remove cataract right eye need done left eye dr refuse texas real id stuff need star driver license order need eye exam likely fail lose driver license cataract left eye go driver license go getting car live spent year trying get ged fail every time try spent past eight year dating scene get rejected woman weight told worthless nothing offer relationship downright mocked laughed weight got cataract eye taking androgel testosterone medication low testosterone thyroid med thyroid basically dead gave max dose lost 45 lb 8 month absolutely change diet daily routine gained back year later literally take anymore crummy life point thinking death lot better better dead keep failing knocked every time try something life also suffer cptsd complex post traumatic stress disorder serve thing life childhood also suffer severe chronic depression severe social anxiety severe abandonment issue paranoia learning issue diagnosed looked issue autism self diagnosing may borderline autistic issue spectrum tired fighting tired going life like barely able breath barely able survive absolutely nothing show,maybe best live anymore,3 ad 1 n 1 de,4729,48,3 ad 1 n 1 de almost 40 disability morbidly obese lose weight matter hard try almost 40 nothing 500 dollar laptop neighbor gave falling apart worth around 70 pair shoe falling apart hurt walk dozen worn sock shirt pant black mostly sweat pant two pair blue jean worn wallet falling apart disability getting le 800 usd month educational background ged wa homeless 8 year bad teeth need fixing one need new crown taught dental hygiene became homeless even brushing flossing wa least worry wa getting food trying survive spent past year trying get ged failed even tutor teacher study group found learning issue make hard get ged basically go 2nd 3rd grade 12th grade every subject family friend utterly alone world bought car two year ago wa first car wa planning living got scammed 3k trying save another car live unable renting bedroom elderly woman bad health going surgery today make homeless nowhere live unable survive homeless time body ha arthritis lower back rheumatoid arthritis knee foot day get bed hurting badly way survive street feel like complete utter crap especially compared everyone else realizing worthless life maybe best live anymore nothing world live even care anymore nothing life get better applied hud housing wa supposed move apartment 7 year waiting list 40 hud housing got accepted one make money get first month rent downpayment light turned spent past ten year trying better life get knocked every time get example saved 3 4 year 3k bought first car got scammed dealership resaved money 900 dollar needed two teeth pulled cost 450 tax drained 900 saved last month almost year saving got called first apartment ever get two year ago needed eye surgery remove cataract right eye need done left eye dr refuse texas real id stuff need star driver license order need eye exam likely fail lose driver license cataract left eye go driver license go getting car live spent year trying get ged fail every time try spent past eight year dating scene get rejected woman weight told worthless nothing offer relationship downright mocked laughed weight got cataract eye taking androgel testosterone medication low testosterone thyroid med thyroid basically dead gave max dose lost 45 lb 8 month absolutely change diet daily routine gained back year later literally take anymore crummy life point thinking death lot better better dead keep failing knocked every time try something life also suffer cptsd complex post traumatic stress disorder serve thing life childhood also suffer severe chronic depression severe social anxiety severe abandonment issue paranoia learning issue diagnosed looked issue autism self diagnosing may borderline autistic issue spectrum tired fighting tired going life like barely able breath barely able survive absolutely nothing show maybe best live anymore
day after day,"All day I just want to die, but I'm to lazy to even die. The only thing that makes me live and fell alive is a friend of mine. She is the best womam I've ever seen, I love her so much that I can't explain...

I love her so much that I can't even think in death and I wouldn't forgive myself for making her cry.",sanicmeister,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/febz34/day_after_day/,day want die lazy even die thing make live fell alive friend mine best womam ever seen love much explain love much even think death forgive making cry,day day,anic meister,310,13,anic meister day want die lazy even die thing make live fell alive friend mine best womam ever seen love much explain love much even think death forgive making cry day day
what the hell happened to me,"god, I really fucking let myself go. it shouldn't be like this. I'm still young. I'm 14. I shouldn't be failing all my classes. i shouldn't be constantly in and out of mental hospitals. i shouldn't be smoking and swallowing and shooting and snorting whatever i can get my hands on. i shouldnt have scars all over my arms, legs, belly, chest, and face from cutting. i should be having fun. i should be going to school. i should be hanging out with friends and getting coffee after school and riding my bike and doing kid stuff. instead im a fucking drugged-out suicidal dissapointment who fucked her life up. why cant i just go back to when i was just a carefree little kid. before my dad changed. before my mom stopped caring. before i realized i liked girls. before all the drugs and mental illness. im getting a zip of xanax in a few days. i know my friends might miss me for a bit, but theyll move on. im done. if i don't kill myself. the coke and pills will",baygirlsadgirl,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9v85/what_the_hell_happened_to_me/,god really fucking let go like still young 14 failing class constantly mental hospital smoking swallowing shooting snorting whatever get hand shouldnt scar arm leg belly chest face cutting fun going school hanging friend getting coffee school riding bike kid stuff instead im fucking drugged suicidal dissapointment fucked life cant go back wa carefree little kid dad changed mom stopped caring realized liked girl drug mental illness im getting zip xanax day know friend might miss bit theyll move im done kill coke pill,hell happened,bay girl ad girl,961,28,bay girl ad girl god really fucking let go like still young 14 failing class constantly mental hospital smoking swallowing shooting snorting whatever get hand shouldnt scar arm leg belly chest face cutting fun going school hanging friend getting coffee school riding bike kid stuff instead im fucking drugged suicidal dissapointment fucked life cant go back wa carefree little kid dad changed mom stopped caring realized liked girl drug mental illness im getting zip xanax day know friend might miss bit theyll move im done kill coke pill hell happened
I’m scared of dying,But I still feel like it’s an inevitable thing. Even if I am scared of dying I feel like at some point I’ll just kill myself on autopilot,acounthrowaway,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/febson/im_scared_of_dying/,still feel like inevitable thing even scared dying feel like point kill autopilot,scared dying,co un throwaway,137,19,co un throwaway still feel like inevitable thing even scared dying feel like point kill autopilot scared dying
tired of people saying it will get better when it has constantly been getting worse,fucking liars,J9guy,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe28ze/tired_of_people_saying_it_will_get_better_when_it/,fucking liar,tired people saying get better ha constantly getting worse,j 9 guy,13,83,j 9 guy fucking liar tired people saying get better ha constantly getting worse
3 hours,"I get off of work in three hours. When I get home I think I’m gonna dip. Woah 21.5 years of life and I’d never thought I’d be at this point but I think it’s my time to go, y’anno? idk how to start saying goodbye to people without drawing suspicion.",snitchesgetstitchest,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5c8r/3_hours/,get work three hour get home think gonna dip woah 21 5 year life never thought point think time go anno idk start saying goodbye people without drawing suspicion,3 hour,snitch get stitch,248,7,snitch get stitch get work three hour get home think gonna dip woah 21 5 year life never thought point think time go anno idk start saying goodbye people without drawing suspicion 3 hour
Thinking about dying lately but I'm conflicted (I'm new in Reddit),"It has been almost six months since I started thinking of dying. With all the issues I'm dealing with, it seems to be the best option. I am now very confident and thinking of doing it the next Sunday. However, I'm still kinda confused. If you think that I should not do this, please let me know. At least someone may give me hope.",jacobmint,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/febn20/thinking_about_dying_lately_but_im_conflicted_im/,ha almost six month since started thinking dying issue dealing seems best option confident thinking next sunday however still kinda confused think please let know least someone may give hope,thinking dying lately conflicted new reddit,jacob mint,330,66,jacob mint ha almost six month since started thinking dying issue dealing seems best option confident thinking next sunday however still kinda confused think please let know least someone may give hope thinking dying lately conflicted new reddit
What the fuck am I still doing here?,"So... I've wanted to kill myself for the longest. I've even made several failed attempts. I've prayed to God for death. For Him to take me in my sleep. And every morning after that, when I wake up, I cried because I still exist. I have grown to ultimately hate myself. I feel like the most trash ass human being...

When I try to express this to other people, it will either be met with the ""tough love"" reprimand, or I end up pushing that person away because of my negative energy.

I don't even know myself anymore. I don't have any more passion for things I once did (cooking, massage therapy). I attempt to develop motivation, but my depression and anxiety will team up with the PTSD I incurred from being robbed. When I notice negative self-talk, I'll try to change my thought patterns, but it always ends up back at ""The world would be better off if you were gone."" But I'm too much of a coward to try and take myself out again...

I just want to be happy, man. I want to be who I was before I figured out I was raised in CPS, who I was before being orphaned, who I was before being the state's property and another statistic.

Why the fuck am I still alive?",A_Recluse_86,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9kto/what_the_fuck_am_i_still_doing_here/,wanted kill longest even made several failed attempt prayed god death take sleep every morning wake cried still exist grown ultimately hate feel like trash human try express people either met tough love reprimand end pushing person away negative energy even know anymore passion thing cooking massage therapy attempt develop motivation depression anxiety team ptsd incurred robbed notice negative self talk try change thought pattern always end back world would better gone much coward try take want happy man want wa figured wa raised cps wa orphaned wa state property another statistic fuck still alive,fuck still,recluse 86,1164,36,recluse 86 wanted kill longest even made several failed attempt prayed god death take sleep every morning wake cried still exist grown ultimately hate feel like trash human try express people either met tough love reprimand end pushing person away negative energy even know anymore passion thing cooking massage therapy attempt develop motivation depression anxiety team ptsd incurred robbed notice negative self talk try change thought pattern always end back world would better gone much coward try take want happy man want wa figured wa raised cps wa orphaned wa state property another statistic fuck still alive fuck still
Actually sat down to write the note....,"I've had SI since I was like 8 years old, and I'm 34 now. I've thought many times about what I would put in the note, who I would address it to. Would I write multiple messages, or only one? 

Tonight I actually opened up wordpad and started composing it. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of feeling like every day is a fight just to exist. I'm so tired of fighting self-destructive impulses and not winning, I'm so tired of feeling guilty because I'm using up the Earth's resources. 

I *know* my husband would be a happier person if I'd just grabbed some balls and taken care of this years ago. He could find someone who actually contributes to his happiness instead of having to support me through my never-ending nonsense. I stood in the way of his chance to establish a new relationship a few years ago. I should have just packed my things and gotten out of his way, but I was selfish. I'm so fucking selfish. If I really loved him I would have let him go to find happiness, instead of expressing my own emotions and selfishness and guilting him into staying with me.

I'm aware that I'm not adequately considering his agency in this evaluation, but I'm also aware of his background. Religious guilt, familial obligation, he's the one who wanted to get married, etc will all contribute to his feeling of responsibility. 

I've almost posted here so many times, but I've always talked myself out of it in the past. I'm not calling a hotline and taking up resources from someone who might actually benefit from them.

I'm also too chickenshit to actually do anything about it. I'm terrified to wind up locked up again (have done a stint in a psych ward at 18 and being strip searched is not something I'd ever wish on ANYONE). I just know I'd fuck it up somehow and not actually complete killing myself, and then I'd be stuck even more miserable.

I don't want to die, I just want to have never existed.",spikeofhanover,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9jy3/actually_sat_down_to_write_the_note/,si since wa like 8 year old 34 thought many time would put note would address would write multiple message one tonight actually opened wordpad started composing tired tired feeling like every day fight exist tired fighting self destructive impulse winning tired feeling guilty using earth resource know husband would happier person grabbed ball taken care year ago could find someone actually contributes happiness instead support never ending nonsense stood way chance establish new relationship year ago packed thing gotten way wa selfish fucking selfish really loved would let go find happiness instead expressing emotion selfishness guilting staying aware adequately considering agency evaluation also aware background religious guilt familial obligation one wanted get married etc contribute feeling responsibility almost posted many time always talked past calling hotline taking resource someone might actually benefit also chickenshit actually anything terrified wind locked done stint psych ward 18 strip searched something ever wish anyone know fuck somehow actually complete killing stuck even miserable want die want never existed,actually sat write note,spike hanover,1905,39,spike hanover si since wa like 8 year old 34 thought many time would put note would address would write multiple message one tonight actually opened wordpad started composing tired tired feeling like every day fight exist tired fighting self destructive impulse winning tired feeling guilty using earth resource know husband would happier person grabbed ball taken care year ago could find someone actually contributes happiness instead support never ending nonsense stood way chance establish new relationship year ago packed thing gotten way wa selfish fucking selfish really loved would let go find happiness instead expressing emotion selfishness guilting staying aware adequately considering agency evaluation also aware background religious guilt familial obligation one wanted get married etc contribute feeling responsibility almost posted many time always talked past calling hotline taking resource someone might actually benefit also chickenshit actually anything terrified wind locked done stint psych ward 18 strip searched something ever wish anyone know fuck somehow actually complete killing stuck even miserable want die want never existed actually sat write note
I hate my body, .....,lovestar777111,17,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/febjde/i_hate_my_body/,,hate body,love star 777111,6,14,love star 777111  hate body
I'm Lost,"So I just recently joined Reddit and therefore, I've never done this before but I'm lost and I honestly need to share some of these thoughts I'm having and this group is the only place I feel like I can do that. 

I don't really know where to begin but suicide is something I have been thinking about constantly. I don't want to wake up, I don't want to be anywhere or with anyone, and I don't even want to sleep anymore and that's the only thing that would numb my depression (because I wasn't awake to feel it). I feel so incredibly lost and I can't help but to want so badly to end it all. I keep wishing something would push me over the edge enough to give me the strength to finally kill myself. Everything's just so dark and honestly I could go on forever but my brother-in-law just walked in and I have to pretend like I'm okay again so I guess I'll stop there. 

I'd just really like to hear the thoughts others have, if this resonates with them, and maybe some suggestions on how to finally let go and give myself that peace in ending everything.",suicideandmusic,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9i30/im_lost/,recently joined reddit therefore never done lost honestly need share thought group place feel like really know begin suicide something thinking constantly want wake want anywhere anyone even want sleep anymore thing would numb depression awake feel feel incredibly lost help want badly end keep wishing something would push edge enough give strength finally kill everything dark honestly could go forever brother law walked pretend like okay guess stop really like hear thought others resonates maybe suggestion finally let go give peace ending everything,lost,suicide music,1055,8,suicide music recently joined reddit therefore never done lost honestly need share thought group place feel like really know begin suicide something thinking constantly want wake want anywhere anyone even want sleep anymore thing would numb depression awake feel feel incredibly lost help want badly end keep wishing something would push edge enough give strength finally kill everything dark honestly could go forever brother law walked pretend like okay guess stop really like hear thought others resonates maybe suggestion finally let go give peace ending everything lost
Every dream I've ever had has been crushed. I've been suffering from severe mental illness for two years and nothing gets better. I hate my life as it is now.,"I had a promising academic future. I had a wonderful, sweet partner. I had so much drive. I had so much support. People were proud of me. I have been a medical experiment for 2 years. None of the meds have helped much. I had to drop out of grad school after getting straight failing grades. The love of my life has fallen out of love with me. My grandmother, who raised me, died. I have thousands of dollars in medical debt associated with my mental illness and my only means of work is to take my clothes off and grind on strange men. I hate what my life has become. I hate what it is. I feel like I have nothing left to live for.",witchydolly,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe514p/every_dream_ive_ever_had_has_been_crushed_ive/,promising academic future wonderful sweet partner much drive much support people proud medical experiment 2 year none med helped much drop grad school getting straight failing grade love life ha fallen love grandmother raised died thousand dollar medical debt associated mental illness mean work take clothes grind strange men hate life ha become hate feel like nothing left live,every dream ever ha crushed suffering severe mental illness two year nothing get better hate life,witch dolly,631,158,witch dolly promising academic future wonderful sweet partner much drive much support people proud medical experiment 2 year none med helped much drop grad school getting straight failing grade love life ha fallen love grandmother raised died thousand dollar medical debt associated mental illness mean work take clothes grind strange men hate life ha become hate feel like nothing left live every dream ever ha crushed suffering severe mental illness two year nothing get better hate life
"Have you noticed that the more frequent you think about suicide, the more dreams and memories you get from your past to remind you of the nostalgia and good times?",This has been happening to me recently. The dreams are very vivid and it feels like I’m back in that time. My child years were pretty decent. It feels like I’m in a different realm/world now because of mental illness which is primarily depression and dissociation.,ease330,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7yed/have_you_noticed_that_the_more_frequent_you_think/,ha happening recently dream vivid feel like back time child year pretty decent feel like different realm world mental illness primarily depression dissociation,noticed frequent think suicide dream memory get past remind nostalgia good time,ease 330,264,163,ease 330 ha happening recently dream vivid feel like back time child year pretty decent feel like different realm world mental illness primarily depression dissociation noticed frequent think suicide dream memory get past remind nostalgia good time
Can't I just go now?,Due to medical treatment I have been throwing up for what feels like most of the night.  I feel so shit!  Why do I have to go through this?,Suddenlywanttodie,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9blz/cant_i_just_go_now/,due medical treatment throwing feel like night feel shit go,go,suddenly want die,139,20,suddenly want die due medical treatment throwing feel like night feel shit go go
Why are you still alive?,"If you’re reading this, then chances are you’re alive. Why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

I’m trying to find my reason.",dereulb,91,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe0ngb/why_are_you_still_alive/,reading chance alive killed yet trying find reason,still alive,de reu lb,122,24,de reu lb reading chance alive killed yet trying find reason still alive
trying to work out how to get a gun.,"suicidal since the age of 14. I am not 28 so that's more than half my life I haven't wanted to be alive. I get annoyed by other people saying they've had a bad life because I don't know anyone who has had to suffer as much as I have had to. I recently heard somebody say they experienced a trauma in their childhood because somebody dressed up as a clown and they have a fear of clowns. I think these people should actually be shot in the face, because maybe then they will understand what really trauma is. What it really feels like to suffer.",brownted123,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe44cx/trying_to_work_out_how_to_get_a_gun/,suicidal since age 14 28 half life wanted alive get annoyed people saying bad life know anyone ha suffer much recently heard somebody say experienced trauma childhood somebody dressed clown fear clown think people actually shot face maybe understand really trauma really feel like suffer,trying work get gun,brown ted 123,544,36,brown ted 123 suicidal since age 14 28 half life wanted alive get annoyed people saying bad life know anyone ha suffer much recently heard somebody say experienced trauma childhood somebody dressed clown fear clown think people actually shot face maybe understand really trauma really feel like suffer trying work get gun
Why wouldn’t I? And least painful way to go?,"My family hates me. I have no friends. I have no college degree and have had 7 jobs in the last 3 years.
I’m absolutely defeated. I’ve lost enjoyment in all things, I truly do not understand why I’m here.
I guess I care enough about the people around me to not upset them but I am truly not in this for myself anymore. This just fucking sucks",DebbieWinner,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6i99/why_wouldnt_i_and_least_painful_way_to_go/,family hate friend college degree 7 job last 3 year absolutely defeated lost enjoyment thing truly understand guess care enough people around upset truly anymore fucking suck,least painful way go,debbie winner,342,44,debbie winner family hate friend college degree 7 job last 3 year absolutely defeated lost enjoyment thing truly understand guess care enough people around upset truly anymore fucking suck least painful way go
I suffocate 24/7 and wake up constantly throughout the night - Empty Nose Syndrome!?," 

I had an open cosmetic rhinoplasty 4 months ago and since then I've been experiencing symptoms that have been fairly debilitating for me. A few weeks post-op I noticed that my air flow was different in each nostril and there was a slight pain in my left but I chalked it up to swelling.  

Now, 4 months later there is no more pain but I feel like there is a blockage in my left nostril and I can't sense airflow at all in either nostril which is keeping me up at night.  

I'm on sleeping pills which is barely helping me get a few hours throughout the night. I'm really scared and did not expect to go through this scary journey - all I wanted was a refinement. How would I know if I have empty nose syndrome or if I should wait longer to see if my issues are resolved naturally? 

Please help anyone who has gone through something similar or knows someone who has gotten better as I've become a shell of myself.. going from perfect breathing to feeling like I'm walking around with a bag over my head all day is devastating and the real kicker is I'm not even happy with the cosmetic result but at this point I just want to breathe again,,,",amymarie1996,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feb96w/i_suffocate_247_and_wake_up_constantly_throughout/,open cosmetic rhinoplasty 4 month ago since experiencing symptom fairly debilitating week post op noticed air flow wa different nostril wa slight pain left chalked swelling 4 month later pain feel like blockage left nostril sense airflow either nostril keeping night sleeping pill barely helping get hour throughout night really scared expect go scary journey wanted wa refinement would know empty nose syndrome wait longer see issue resolved naturally please help anyone ha gone something similar know someone ha gotten better become shell going perfect breathing feeling like walking around bag head day devastating real kicker even happy cosmetic result point want breathe,suffocate 24 7 wake constantly throughout night empty nose syndrome,amy marie 1996,1146,84,amy marie 1996 open cosmetic rhinoplasty 4 month ago since experiencing symptom fairly debilitating week post op noticed air flow wa different nostril wa slight pain left chalked swelling 4 month later pain feel like blockage left nostril sense airflow either nostril keeping night sleeping pill barely helping get hour throughout night really scared expect go scary journey wanted wa refinement would know empty nose syndrome wait longer see issue resolved naturally please help anyone ha gone something similar know someone ha gotten better become shell going perfect breathing feeling like walking around bag head day devastating real kicker even happy cosmetic result point want breathe suffocate 24 7 wake constantly throughout night empty nose syndrome
my parents are the only reason i haven’t killed them,"our relationship is far from perfect but they give a lot to keep our family afloat and i can’t hurt them like that.
but it physically hurts to exist. i’ve been depressed for years and it has not gotten better. i have nobody to turn to.
i just want to hurt myself but i hate the scars from when i used to do that
i don’t know what to do anymore
it hurts",blurrieurie,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe92z6/my_parents_are_the_only_reason_i_havent_killed/,relationship far perfect give lot keep family afloat hurt like physically hurt exist depressed year ha gotten better nobody turn want hurt hate scar used know anymore hurt,parent reason killed,blur rie urie,352,52,blur rie urie relationship far perfect give lot keep family afloat hurt like physically hurt exist depressed year ha gotten better nobody turn want hurt hate scar used know anymore hurt parent reason killed
Feeling empty,"It's not that I hate working but... no, it is precisely that I hate working. I just can't come to terms with the thought that I'm going to waste a huge part of my life doing things I don't like to do. 
For what? I don't see the point on working hard and achieving all these career goals if the only time I'm going to have to myself would be after I retire — IF I'm ever going to retire and not just drop dead in my 50/60s. 
I'm 27 and I have no idea how to live this life, my supposedly only chance at sentience. I'm depressed due to a lot of things: physical health problems, not being able to find a job that I'm going to at least tolerate, feeling generally lost in life.
I hated all the jobs I've been at, ALL OF THEM. It majorly contributed to my suicidal tendencies and I quit my last job with this awful premonition that if I'm not going to quit asap, I'm going to kill myself. 
My family doesn't understand because 'Everybody's gotta work for a living' (the usual), they kind of resent me now for being like this. I'd gladly drink all the Kool-Aid of this world and be a relatively happy working drone at this point in my life, but my mind just isnt wired that way.
I'm tired of constantly feeling depressed, guilty, angry at this world and myself. I feel absolutely alone, even thought I know that I'm not alone in this type of thinking.
Right now I just feel empty, like there's no way out of this, lile I have nothing to live for.
Sorry for this rant. I know I'm just writing it for attention, or maybe for some sort of connection to another human being.",log1992,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe22kv/feeling_empty/,hate working precisely hate working come term thought going waste huge part life thing like see point working hard achieving career goal time going would retire ever going retire drop dead 50 60 27 idea live life supposedly chance sentience depressed due lot thing physical health problem able find job going least tolerate feeling generally lost life hated job majorly contributed suicidal tendency quit last job awful premonition going quit asap going kill family understand everybody gotta work living usual kind resent like gladly drink kool aid world relatively happy working drone point life mind isnt wired way tired constantly feeling depressed guilty angry world feel absolutely alone even thought know alone type thinking right feel empty like way lile nothing live sorry rant know writing attention maybe sort connection another human,feeling empty,log 1992,1565,13,log 1992 hate working precisely hate working come term thought going waste huge part life thing like see point working hard achieving career goal time going would retire ever going retire drop dead 50 60 27 idea live life supposedly chance sentience depressed due lot thing physical health problem able find job going least tolerate feeling generally lost life hated job majorly contributed suicidal tendency quit last job awful premonition going quit asap going kill family understand everybody gotta work living usual kind resent like gladly drink kool aid world relatively happy working drone point life mind isnt wired way tired constantly feeling depressed guilty angry world feel absolutely alone even thought know alone type thinking right feel empty like way lile nothing live sorry rant know writing attention maybe sort connection another human feeling empty
I’m Having A Hard Time,"I took a benzo a little bit ago, so I’m not that freaked out right now, but today has been really, really hard. I don’t usually feel such utter despair, but it’s been creeping in and getting stronger by the day. I’m physically fine, and I can see a future that’s better than what I have now, but I don’t see it as worth living. Wage slavery at the bottom of the totem pole for another 30 years, no forms or loved ones outside my immediate family, no accomplishments or achievements. Just the long, slow decline into a sad, lonely old age, followed by a meaningless, protracted, lonely  senescence. No one will care for me as an old man, because I’m incapable of caring for people now. I’m doomed to mediocrity and loneliness. Nothing can keep it from happening except ending it all before it gets to that point. I keep thinking ‘Well, I could try and off myself, that would keep things interesting and I could put off that fate for just a little longer.’ But no. Eventually I’ll settle down into a meaningless, soul sucking job, just like everyone else, and wait patiently for death like a good boy.",ignorant_genius,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8y33/im_having_a_hard_time/,took benzo little bit ago freaked right today ha really really hard usually feel utter despair creeping getting stronger day physically fine see future better see worth living wage slavery bottom totem pole another 30 year form loved one outside immediate family accomplishment achievement long slow decline sad lonely old age followed meaningless protracted lonely senescence one care old man incapable caring people doomed mediocrity loneliness nothing keep happening except ending get point keep thinking well could try would keep thing interesting could put fate little longer eventually settle meaningless soul sucking job like everyone else wait patiently death like good boy,hard time,ignorant genius,1099,22,ignorant genius took benzo little bit ago freaked right today ha really really hard usually feel utter despair creeping getting stronger day physically fine see future better see worth living wage slavery bottom totem pole another 30 year form loved one outside immediate family accomplishment achievement long slow decline sad lonely old age followed meaningless protracted lonely senescence one care old man incapable caring people doomed mediocrity loneliness nothing keep happening except ending get point keep thinking well could try would keep thing interesting could put fate little longer eventually settle meaningless soul sucking job like everyone else wait patiently death like good boy hard time
I just want the sadness to stop,"I don't think I enjoy life.

I enjoy the moments most, where I either distract or numb myself from most of what's happening around me, like when I play videogames, stay up late, wake up late, over and undereat or get myself drunk. 

I've felt like this for so long, I just don't want to suffer.

I want to redo and right all the things that I wronged
All the people I've hurt, all the relationships that I broke. 

I know I don't get a second chance at all that and neither can I fix what's wrong with me, why I can't feel happy, joyful and innocent.

Germany just allowed doctor assisted suicide and I want to reach out to end it.

But I know that I will break my parents hearts by doing so, I know how sad and devastated they'd be

I just can't do anything to stop it. 

Just let the sadness end please",220767th,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7aj6/i_just_want_the_sadness_to_stop/,think enjoy life enjoy moment either distract numb happening around like play videogames stay late wake late undereat get drunk felt like long want suffer want redo right thing wronged people hurt relationship broke know get second chance neither fix wrong feel happy joyful innocent germany allowed doctor assisted suicide want reach end know break parent heart know sad devastated anything stop let sadness end please,want sadness stop,220767 th,804,31,220767 th think enjoy life enjoy moment either distract numb happening around like play videogames stay late wake late undereat get drunk felt like long want suffer want redo right thing wronged people hurt relationship broke know get second chance neither fix wrong feel happy joyful innocent germany allowed doctor assisted suicide want reach end know break parent heart know sad devastated anything stop let sadness end please want sadness stop
Is a title even needed anymore,"For the context, I'm 20 years old, soon to be highschool graduate. So here is what's going up in my mind right now. 

No matter what i write up here it's surely happened before. What is there in being your own individual if your entire life is just a copy paste of someone else's? My decisions won't matter in the long run, because my life is to insignificant. And year by year I feel my presence getting weaker and weaker
 Sooner or later in gonna start working in some industry i don't want to work in and I will feel happy. But I don't want to be happy from something like this. I want to accomplish something but don't have the drive to do it. I want to be special but I'd rather watch YouTube than learn or train something.
My school will be ending in 2 months and I feel weirdly nostalgic thinking about it. Maybe I'm proud of my achievements, which I don't even remember, or maybe I'm happy I'm in a situation I have brought myself into. Maybe I feel like my movie is ending and i need to plan our Mr finishing move. 
Like I said, I will be finishing highschool and I feel like it's an appropriate ending for me. Get a certificate, be happy from getting it, and ends it all. It will be fulfilling. All of my life has been waiting for this moment to happen, but I don't want another chapter of my story. I only want this single season of this TV show.

Sorry for typos, typing with swipe",Notmeforsure999,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feate4/is_a_title_even_needed_anymore/,context 20 year old soon highschool graduate going mind right matter write surely happened individual entire life copy paste someone else decision matter long run life insignificant year year feel presence getting weaker weaker sooner later gonna start working industry want work feel happy want happy something like want accomplish something drive want special rather watch youtube learn train something school ending 2 month feel weirdly nostalgic thinking maybe proud achievement even remember maybe happy situation brought maybe feel like movie ending need plan mr finishing move like said finishing highschool feel like appropriate ending get certificate happy getting end fulfilling life ha waiting moment happen want another chapter story want single season tv show sorry typo typing swipe,title even needed anymore,sure 999,1393,30,sure 999 context 20 year old soon highschool graduate going mind right matter write surely happened individual entire life copy paste someone else decision matter long run life insignificant year year feel presence getting weaker weaker sooner later gonna start working industry want work feel happy want happy something like want accomplish something drive want special rather watch youtube learn train something school ending 2 month feel weirdly nostalgic thinking maybe proud achievement even remember maybe happy situation brought maybe feel like movie ending need plan mr finishing move like said finishing highschool feel like appropriate ending get certificate happy getting end fulfilling life ha waiting moment happen want another chapter story want single season tv show sorry typo typing swipe title even needed anymore
Why not make it a journey..,"Ive been thinking. Theres nothing left I want out of life and since i was about 5 I never saw myself as part of the this world. At least i dont want mine anymore. Theres some very important people ill be leaving behind but I know their lives can be better without me in it. I guess my mind was always out in the universe never grounded here with what was in front of me. I know life can be chaos and also beautiful at the same time. My last dream was to see the lights in Alaska and sit on the horizon of forever and watch the universe. I want to put on a backpack and make my way as far there as I can with nothing left. I dont expect much. I expect to find some place I can finally close my eyes and not have to open them again. Why not try. If I dont make it at least I had the journey, but im ready for it to be over. What more could I lose?",xXIFeelEmptyXx,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feasxp/why_not_make_it_a_journey/,ive thinking nothing left want life since wa 5 never saw part world least dont want mine anymore important people ill leaving behind know life better without guess mind wa always universe never grounded wa front know life chaos also beautiful time last dream wa see light alaska sit horizon forever watch universe want put backpack make way far nothing left dont expect much expect find place finally close eye open try dont make least journey im ready could lose,make journey,xxi feel empty xx,845,27,xxi feel empty xx ive thinking nothing left want life since wa 5 never saw part world least dont want mine anymore important people ill leaving behind know life better without guess mind wa always universe never grounded wa front know life chaos also beautiful time last dream wa see light alaska sit horizon forever watch universe want put backpack make way far nothing left dont expect much expect find place finally close eye open try dont make least journey im ready could lose make journey
i’m tired,":(( not sure wats wrong with me. i think i’ve been feeling ok lately, content. now i’m having bad thoughts again. i’m overwhelmed. i feel so alone... no one actually gives a shit about how i feel. it won’t end :( i think i was meant to commit suicide. i feel stupid for trying to be positive. I got an actual 60% on this assignment at school and it fucked with me. i cried in the bathroom stall and cut myself up like the pathetic idiot i am. i’m so tired of myself.",duffyactivo,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8kf8/im_tired/,sure wats wrong think feeling ok lately content bad thought overwhelmed feel alone one actually give shit feel end think wa meant commit suicide feel stupid trying positive got actual 60 assignment school fucked cried bathroom stall cut like pathetic idiot tired,tired,duffy act ivo,466,9,duffy act ivo sure wats wrong think feeling ok lately content bad thought overwhelmed feel alone one actually give shit feel end think wa meant commit suicide feel stupid trying positive got actual 60 assignment school fucked cried bathroom stall cut like pathetic idiot tired tired
"What’s even worse than not being able to get in touch with someone? Them picking up the phone, answering and hearing your voice then immediately hanging up.",I can’t believe I’ve driven a beloved friend to the point of not being able to bear a conversation with me after almost 6 months of no contact. I lose the will to live each and every day.,ovrprotectiveunicorn,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8i23/whats_even_worse_than_not_being_able_to_get_in/,believe driven beloved friend point able bear conversation almost 6 month contact lose live every day,even worse able get touch someone picking phone answering hearing voice immediately hanging,ov r protective unicorn,187,156,ov r protective unicorn believe driven beloved friend point able bear conversation almost 6 month contact lose live every day even worse able get touch someone picking phone answering hearing voice immediately hanging
I wish I hadn't survived,"But I did.  So I'm here, suffering till I can do it right.",Newbeginningtake2,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5nav/i_wish_i_hadnt_survived/,suffering till right,wish survived,new beginning take 2,58,24,new beginning take 2 suffering till right wish survived
I Don't Know Why I've Been Thinking About Suicide So Much Lately..,"I know I'm not gonna kill myself, but that doesn't distract me from the fact that I want to. Over these past few weeks, my suicidal thoughts from last year had resurged.. I feel like an absolute failure; an absolute burden to those around me. Every day, whenever I hear someone laugh, I instantly feel as if they're making fun of me. I feel like nobody really likes me... as if all my relationships are fake with others. When people make fun of me, I just let it happen. I either laugh along or smile like a fucking idiot because I don't want to cause any more problems for the person. I feel as if each time I say something, I ruin someone's day. Just today, I said something I shouldn't have... and now I feel like absolute shit even though I apologized after realizing how shitty it was for me to ask that. I don't think he accepted my apology anyways. My grades aren't bad by any means, I have B's and A's in hard classes, but I feel like I'm just crunching under the pressure. My parents hate my grades and all my friends around me seem to just be doing much better than me. I really just think I'm a failure and will never do good in life. I feel like people hate me and view me as a burden. Each time I try something, I never turn out to be good at it. I feel as if I'm bad, or simply average, at whatever I do. I'm not creative, musical or smart. Do I really deserve existing if I can't make a single difference in this world?

​

As a result of all of that, when I got home today, I looked for ways I could kill myself and even planned how I'd do it. I don't want to, yet I still went that far. I don't want to kill myself- but I still feel like a piece of shit. I have a feeling none of what I just wrote made sense. What would you guys suggest for me to do? I know I don't want to go through with my plans, yet I still feel as if I should. Am I just being a little brat?",freekekistan2,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5j0v/i_dont_know_why_ive_been_thinking_about_suicide/,know gonna kill distract fact want past week suicidal thought last year resurged feel like absolute failure absolute burden around every day whenever hear someone laugh instantly feel making fun feel like nobody really like relationship fake others people make fun let happen either laugh along smile like fucking idiot want cause problem person feel time say something ruin someone day today said something feel like absolute shit even though apologized realizing shitty wa ask think accepted apology anyways grade bad mean b hard class feel like crunching pressure parent hate grade friend around seem much better really think failure never good life feel like people hate view burden time try something never turn good feel bad simply average whatever creative musical smart really deserve existing make single difference world amp x200b result got home today looked way could kill even planned want yet still went far want kill still feel like piece shit feeling none wrote made sense would guy suggest know want go plan yet still feel little brat,know thinking suicide much lately,free ke kist 2,1892,66,free ke kist 2 know gonna kill distract fact want past week suicidal thought last year resurged feel like absolute failure absolute burden around every day whenever hear someone laugh instantly feel making fun feel like nobody really like relationship fake others people make fun let happen either laugh along smile like fucking idiot want cause problem person feel time say something ruin someone day today said something feel like absolute shit even though apologized realizing shitty wa ask think accepted apology anyways grade bad mean b hard class feel like crunching pressure parent hate grade friend around seem much better really think failure never good life feel like people hate view burden time try something never turn good feel bad simply average whatever creative musical smart really deserve existing make single difference world amp x200b result got home today looked way could kill even planned want yet still went far want kill still feel like piece shit feeling none wrote made sense would guy suggest know want go plan yet still feel little brat know thinking suicide much lately
I don't want to feel like this,"I went out casually with someone who died from suicide weeks after he found out I was seeing other people before I even called things off with him. Back then i didnt think it would be wrong because I thought i made it really clear that while I liked him, we weren't exclusive.

Sometimes the self blame and guilt get so immense and overwhelming and I want to go, too. Sometimes I'm terrified that if it was really my fault, it would come bite me in the ass one day. That thought intensifies the urges to tap out, because I think it would take the blame with me.

It also scares me whenever I remember that analogy about glasses being full, and what if this is how my glass spills over? How do I empty my glass?

Is it my fault? Will I ever feel like it wasn't? Is it okay to feel like it wasn't?",haderlover,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feakrv/i_dont_want_to_feel_like_this/,went casually someone died suicide week found wa seeing people even called thing back didnt think would wrong thought made really clear liked exclusive sometimes self blame guilt get immense overwhelming want go sometimes terrified wa really fault would come bite one day thought intensifies urge tap think would take blame also scare whenever remember analogy glass full glass spill empty glass fault ever feel like okay feel like,want feel like,er lover,795,30,er lover went casually someone died suicide week found wa seeing people even called thing back didnt think would wrong thought made really clear liked exclusive sometimes self blame guilt get immense overwhelming want go sometimes terrified wa really fault would come bite one day thought intensifies urge tap think would take blame also scare whenever remember analogy glass full glass spill empty glass fault ever feel like okay feel like want feel like
I wish I could find the courage to jump,"My workplace is on the 46th floor. In theory, suicide should be so easy.",TheHours327,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe89gr/i_wish_i_could_find_the_courage_to_jump/,workplace 46th floor theory suicide easy,wish could find courage jump,hour 327,72,39,hour 327 workplace 46th floor theory suicide easy wish could find courage jump
i cant tell if i’m suicidal,i cant tell genuinely. i think about it like every day now and i want it in a lot of ways but not really. i know that i’m not satisfied and i have this strong sense that i will never be. everyone around me is telling me i have no reason to feel the way i do. i don’t know if i’m victimizing myself to get attention because i can’t tell at this point. everyday i’m just floating and not really paying attention and not really living. i don’t really ever plan anything but i think about it a lot. i think about the ways i’d do it and what the people around me would think. it just feels like there isn’t much for me here and that it’s best to rest forever. i’m just always tired now. so i can’t tell,yydennek,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6jus/i_cant_tell_if_im_suicidal/,cant tell genuinely think like every day want lot way really know satisfied strong sense never everyone around telling reason feel way know victimizing get attention tell point everyday floating really paying attention really living really ever plan anything think lot think way people around would think feel like much best rest forever always tired tell,cant tell suicidal,yy den nek,697,27,yy den nek cant tell genuinely think like every day want lot way really know satisfied strong sense never everyone around telling reason feel way know victimizing get attention tell point everyday floating really paying attention really living really ever plan anything think lot think way people around would think feel like much best rest forever always tired tell cant tell suicidal
If David Pearce ideas came into fruition,Then I bet there would be people that would stay alive due to the limited amount of suffering and happiness that they could feel but then again it's all a pipe dream. Funny how some pipe dreams would really help humanity and David Pearce abolition of suffering idea would be the best suicide prevention tool ever.,Celestialsmoothie28,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feafon/if_david_pearce_ideas_came_into_fruition/,bet would people would stay alive due limited amount suffering happiness could feel pipe dream funny pipe dream would really help humanity david pearce abolition suffering idea would best suicide prevention tool ever,david pearce idea came fruition,celestial smoothie 28,313,40,celestial smoothie 28 bet would people would stay alive due limited amount suffering happiness could feel pipe dream funny pipe dream would really help humanity david pearce abolition suffering idea would best suicide prevention tool ever david pearce idea came fruition
I can't I can't I can't do this anymore. Nothing feels real. What's the use?,emptypost,maybesuicidemaybenot,11,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdyoih/i_cant_i_cant_i_cant_do_this_anymore_nothing/,emptypost,anymore nothing feel real use,maybe suicide maybe,9,76,maybe suicide maybe emptypost anymore nothing feel real use
Some tell me you relate,"I feel like no one understands that for me suicidal thoughts don't go away. Like I'm not gonna kill myself but it's not like I never think of it. My psychiatrist knows and says it's common for people who have survived traumas and suffer from a multitude of mental and physical problems. I'm always afraid to tell anyone though or my therapist bc every time I talk about people get concerned. I don't know maybe I am alone in this but the best way to describe it is:

like a fly in a contained room. You'll always hear the buzz, and sometimes it constant and droning in your ear, but other times you can barely hear, like a soft quick buzz.

I mean its never gone away. I am only 18 but I have never had a time where I didn't think about killing myself. I'm okay now, the fly is rather quiet but like is this normal?",bbgurlxoxo,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe81xx/some_tell_me_you_relate/,feel like one understands suicidal thought go away like gonna kill like never think psychiatrist know say common people survived trauma suffer multitude mental physical problem always afraid tell anyone though therapist bc every time talk people get concerned know maybe alone best way describe like fly contained room always hear buzz sometimes constant droning ear time barely hear like soft quick buzz mean never gone away 18 never time think killing okay fly rather quiet like normal,tell relate,b bg url x oxo,815,23,b bg url x oxo feel like one understands suicidal thought go away like gonna kill like never think psychiatrist know say common people survived trauma suffer multitude mental physical problem always afraid tell anyone though therapist bc every time talk people get concerned know maybe alone best way describe like fly contained room always hear buzz sometimes constant droning ear time barely hear like soft quick buzz mean never gone away 18 never time think killing okay fly rather quiet like normal tell relate
Was planning on killing myself tonight,"I had planned to kill myself tonight. I bought pills and had been just so ready to end it. I have just been feeling empty, hopeless and worthless lately. I’m just sick of feeling like this over and over again. But then my sister called, and she started talking about plans for when I come home in two weeks. She was so happy to talk to me and to get to spend 9 days with me, I just can’t do that to her. I’d like that week to be a happy memory after I can do something but I want to be there for my spring break. So I didn’t take anything or do anything. She doesn’t even know what her calling did, I didn’t want to tell her.",nycSewerRat,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/feacxe/was_planning_on_killing_myself_tonight/,planned kill tonight bought pill ready end feeling empty hopeless worthless lately sick feeling like sister called started talking plan come home two week wa happy talk get spend 9 day like week happy memory something want spring break take anything anything even know calling want tell,wa planning killing tonight,nyc sewer rat,625,38,nyc sewer rat planned kill tonight bought pill ready end feeling empty hopeless worthless lately sick feeling like sister called started talking plan come home two week wa happy talk get spend 9 day like week happy memory something want spring break take anything anything even know calling want tell wa planning killing tonight
At a crossroads,"I have been struggling a great deal lately. I suffered an injury and then had to have surgery and then suffered complications. I continue to be in pain everyday. Since the injury happened at work, I was forced to resign my position in order to get a worker's comp settlement. I used the money to pay rent and bills and medical expenses but now it's gone. I have been looking for work since November. And I mean really looking. Every single day. I have had several interviews, but literally have been told multiple times that I was their second choice
I am completely out of money. I am almost out of food. All of my utilities are so far behind, every day I expect them to be turned off. I have received a 3 day notice for my rent. I an about to be homeless. 
I do not have any family. I have been sick for so log now, I have very few friends left. I have tried every agency that I can for help and I an repeatedly turned away because they don't have the funds to help me. And they say even if they did, what about next month? They are right. There is no point.",Kaseymadi,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fea9mn/at_a_crossroads/,struggling great deal lately suffered injury surgery suffered complication continue pain everyday since injury happened work wa forced resign position order get worker comp settlement used money pay rent bill medical expense gone looking work since november mean really looking every single day several interview literally told multiple time wa second choice completely money almost food utility far behind every day expect turned received 3 day notice rent homeless family sick log friend left tried every agency help repeatedly turned away fund help say even next month right point,crossroad,kasey mad,1060,15,kasey mad struggling great deal lately suffered injury surgery suffered complication continue pain everyday since injury happened work wa forced resign position order get worker comp settlement used money pay rent bill medical expense gone looking work since november mean really looking every single day several interview literally told multiple time wa second choice completely money almost food utility far behind every day expect turned received 3 day notice rent homeless family sick log friend left tried every agency help repeatedly turned away fund help say even next month right point crossroad
I can't trust most people,"Something is seriously wrong with me. I don't open up, I don't reach out to most people, I feel like I want to recoil or die when I'm close to people I drift away with.

It really hurts.",LifeisCrumbling,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7vz8/i_cant_trust_most_people/,something seriously wrong open reach people feel like want recoil die close people drift away really hurt,trust people,life crumbling,186,25,life crumbling something seriously wrong open reach people feel like want recoil die close people drift away really hurt trust people
Anyone else feel this?,"Whenever I start dreaming up serious ways of killing myself I get tingly all over. Kind of like sharp, electromagnetic waves. It almost hurts. Feels really weird. Anyone else get those sensations? I think it’s my body’s way of telling me NO!",ScaryMohawk,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7uw1/anyone_else_feel_this/,whenever start dreaming serious way killing get tingly kind like sharp electromagnetic wave almost hurt feel really weird anyone else get sensation think body way telling,anyone else feel,scary mohawk,241,22,scary mohawk whenever start dreaming serious way killing get tingly kind like sharp electromagnetic wave almost hurt feel really weird anyone else get sensation think body way telling anyone else feel
"getting bullied for painful crippling disease, going to gun stores regularly","When I was in the 10th grade I started to lose my memory and developed painful symptoms in my limbs, I immediately knew it was extremely serious and possibly terminal. Every few months I would get more sick and it has remained that way for the past 6 years I have been getting worse every few months.

My disease has become so severe that I cannot continue school or study from cognitive impairment, I can barely eat anything without getting pain and it is impossible to gain any weight.I can barely walk outside because of shortness of breath, I cannot leave the house in the summer.the disease is extremely painful and disabling every day is a battle with pain, and controlling symptoms.

several doctors have diagnosed me with a neurological disease which they say is untreatable and not curable.

so for the past few weeks I have been visiting gun shops while I lie to my parents and tell them I am going to the gym.

everyone treats me like crap especially my parents.

my body has reached its physical limits, I cannot endure any more pain from the disease it is impossible, so I am going to buy guns and kill myself.",HugeIndication1,37,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlq8w/getting_bullied_for_painful_crippling_disease/,wa 10th grade started lose memory developed painful symptom limb immediately knew wa extremely serious possibly terminal every month would get sick ha remained way past 6 year getting worse every month disease ha become severe cannot continue school study cognitive impairment barely eat anything without getting pain impossible gain weight barely walk outside shortness breath cannot leave house summer disease extremely painful disabling every day battle pain controlling symptom several doctor diagnosed neurological disease say untreatable curable past week visiting gun shop lie parent tell going gym everyone treat like crap especially parent body ha reached physical limit cannot endure pain disease impossible going buy gun kill,getting bullied painful crippling disease going gun store regularly,huge indication 1,1123,76,huge indication 1 wa 10th grade started lose memory developed painful symptom limb immediately knew wa extremely serious possibly terminal every month would get sick ha remained way past 6 year getting worse every month disease ha become severe cannot continue school study cognitive impairment barely eat anything without getting pain impossible gain weight barely walk outside shortness breath cannot leave house summer disease extremely painful disabling every day battle pain controlling symptom several doctor diagnosed neurological disease say untreatable curable past week visiting gun shop lie parent tell going gym everyone treat like crap especially parent body ha reached physical limit cannot endure pain disease impossible going buy gun kill getting bullied painful crippling disease going gun store regularly
I have no energy left,"I don't know how much longer I can keep this lie of ""everything's gonna be fine"" going. It's been 10+ years of telling myself the same thing over and over and over, nothing ever changes. This depression is eating me alive. I have a few good days here and there but it's mostly all shit. I've been wanting to cut myself so badly again too, maybe just deep enough to make me feel like I'll actually accomplish something worthwhile for once. Pretty sure the only thing stopping me from doing that is my boyfriend and we've even been at each others throats a bit recently. I dunno. I almost feel like just ending it all now before my life takes another turn for the worse because it 100% will. I just wanna die and be at peace for once in my life. Maybe take one shitty person out of this world, that can be my 1 good deed I think.",OGPetite,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6528/i_have_no_energy_left/,know much longer keep lie everything gonna fine going 10 year telling thing nothing ever change depression eating alive good day mostly shit wanting cut badly maybe deep enough make feel like actually accomplish something worthwhile pretty sure thing stopping boyfriend even others throat bit recently dunno almost feel like ending life take another turn worse 100 wanna die peace life maybe take one shitty person world 1 good deed think,energy left,og petite,827,21,og petite know much longer keep lie everything gonna fine going 10 year telling thing nothing ever change depression eating alive good day mostly shit wanting cut badly maybe deep enough make feel like actually accomplish something worthwhile pretty sure thing stopping boyfriend even others throat bit recently dunno almost feel like ending life take another turn worse 100 wanna die peace life maybe take one shitty person world 1 good deed think energy left
I just realized it’s never going to end.,This depression isn’t the temporary kind. I can’t just “wait it out.” I’ll spend the rest of my life with this depression. I can’t survive that. I won’t survive. Guys help.,puriuh,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5vn7/i_just_realized_its_never_going_to_end/,depression temporary kind wait spend rest life depression survive survive guy help,realized never going end,pur uh,172,40,pur uh depression temporary kind wait spend rest life depression survive survive guy help realized never going end
I'm a lifelong underachieving loser,"There's so much fucking pressure on me and I hate it, I don't want to be seen as ""the smart kid""because I'm not, college is kicking my ass. I just got lucky and cheated through highschool. I don't want all of this pressure,  it is killing me",DetectiveCactus,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9x3u/im_a_lifelong_underachieving_loser/,much fucking pressure hate want seen smart kid college kicking got lucky cheated highschool want pressure killing,lifelong underachieving loser,detective cactus,241,35,detective cactus much fucking pressure hate want seen smart kid college kicking got lucky cheated highschool want pressure killing lifelong underachieving loser
i’m killing myself when I get home from school tomorrow,"i’m just so tired. it feels like the only rational decision at this point. im never ever going to feel relief. i’m stupid, i’m unreliable, i’m trapped. i feel so trapped all the time. life is just a cage. i want to sleep. i think i’ll finish up writing notes and go to bed. hell, if everyone’s asleep by then i’ll just pour myself a cup of bleach and i’ll be dead in the morning. i just hope everything’s over soon",cowardlydawg,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9wbc/im_killing_myself_when_i_get_home_from_school/,tired feel like rational decision point im never ever going feel relief stupid unreliable trapped feel trapped time life cage want sleep think finish writing note go bed hell everyone asleep pour cup bleach dead morning hope everything soon,killing get home school tomorrow,cowardly daw g,414,55,cowardly daw g tired feel like rational decision point im never ever going feel relief stupid unreliable trapped feel trapped time life cage want sleep think finish writing note go bed hell everyone asleep pour cup bleach dead morning hope everything soon killing get home school tomorrow
"Well, here we are","21. University student. Stressed to the max with zero support system whatsoever. I was homeless before college (and in college) and moved across the country right after high school, cutting off contact with my abusive family. Been suicidal most of the time since being in college and in high school but still here. Came out and got a girlfriend, still nothing got better. We were homeless together for a while and experienced a lot together, been with each other for over two years. She’s an alcoholic though and because it’s a progressive disease things got worse over time and began to hit a low October/November 2019. Anyone who’s got experience with an alcoholic loved one knows how awful it gets. I never thought things could get so much worse, but then I never thought I’d be a suicidally depressed 21 year old and I also never thought I’d date an alcoholic. It has a way of destroying your soul unlike anything else you’ll ever experience, and I’ve been abused since I was an infant. I put aside my own sense of self, my own needs and well being to focus on hers while my heart got ripped out, stomped on, and spat on repeatedly. I’ve been thinking about offing myself for a very long time. I don’t see an end to the suffering I’ve experienced in my lifetime. My girlfriend started her journey with sobriety two weeks ago (at least I believe, don’t know what to really think these days) and it feels like while she’s making leaps and bounds with things I begged her to do for months I’m stuck behind and can’t get my mind out of the gutter from when things were really, really bad. I know things take time but I’m tired of waiting for when life gets “good”. I used to think happiness was a personal choice and I still believe that a little bit, but with all the garbage I’ve experienced in my 21 years I’m mostly just of the opinion that some of us are dealt horrible hands in life and doomed from the start. While I “have” people in my life who care about me I will never have the kind of person who cares about and supports others to the extent that I do. And maybe that’s a good thing, because doing so has made me lose everything about myself. But now my glass is empty and there’s nothing to pour into it. I’m tired of struggling every day. Suicide seems like the only way off this terrible ride for me and it has felt that way for years.",forest_lesbian,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9vg9/well_here_we_are/,21 university student stressed max zero support system whatsoever wa homeless college college moved across country right high school cutting contact abusive family suicidal time since college high school still came got girlfriend still nothing got better homeless together experienced lot together two year alcoholic though progressive disease thing got worse time began hit low october november 2019 anyone got experience alcoholic loved one know awful get never thought thing could get much worse never thought suicidally depressed 21 year old also never thought date alcoholic ha way destroying soul unlike anything else ever experience abused since wa infant put aside sense self need well focus heart got ripped stomped spat repeatedly thinking offing long time see end suffering experienced lifetime girlfriend started journey sobriety two week ago least believe know really think day feel like making leap bound thing begged month stuck behind get mind gutter thing really really bad know thing take time tired waiting life get good used think happiness wa personal choice still believe little bit garbage experienced 21 year mostly opinion u dealt horrible hand life doomed start people life care never kind person care support others extent maybe good thing ha made lose everything glass empty nothing pour tired struggling every day suicide seems like way terrible ride ha felt way year,well,forest lesbian,2350,17,forest lesbian 21 university student stressed max zero support system whatsoever wa homeless college college moved across country right high school cutting contact abusive family suicidal time since college high school still came got girlfriend still nothing got better homeless together experienced lot together two year alcoholic though progressive disease thing got worse time began hit low october november 2019 anyone got experience alcoholic loved one know awful get never thought thing could get much worse never thought suicidally depressed 21 year old also never thought date alcoholic ha way destroying soul unlike anything else ever experience abused since wa infant put aside sense self need well focus heart got ripped stomped spat repeatedly thinking offing long time see end suffering experienced lifetime girlfriend started journey sobriety two week ago least believe know really think day feel like making leap bound thing begged month stuck behind get mind gutter thing really really bad know thing take time tired waiting life get good used think happiness wa personal choice still believe little bit garbage experienced 21 year mostly opinion u dealt horrible hand life doomed start people life care never kind person care support others extent maybe good thing ha made lose everything glass empty nothing pour tired struggling every day suicide seems like way terrible ride ha felt way year well
I'm so ugly I want to fucking end it!,"I'm 24  and still have terrible acne. I used to not hate the way i looked up until high school, but then I got hit with the acne. Huge cystic acne that left scars all over my face and is super painful. I used to look at myself in high school the mirror and say "" I hate myself and want to die"" as a mantra. I was holding onto the hope that it was just a teenage phase, and that I would get on with my life after. Now its been years and years and I still get new zits and cysts every day. It's painful, and they pop and bleed everywhere. I've tried all of the acne treatments except accutaine which my doctor recommended against for reasons in my medical history. To offset the acne I grew my hair long and made it my main feature to distract from the disgusting acne. It became such a large part of my personality that all my friends at the time called me goldilocks. 

Then recently ago I started balding really quickly. My hairline is going way back, and I'm starting to lose hair on my crown. Looking at old pictures of my dad it's all gonna be gone in a few years. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. My face is red and pocked and covered in acne and the one and only thing that I liked about my appearance is slowly falling away. I'm some sort of freakish middle age man/ greasy teen hybrid. I used to have moderate luck is the relationship department back when I had my hair, but noone will even look at me now. My hair was the only thing I was ever complimented on. Now I'm treated like some monster that noone wants in their pictures or their life. 

I've been trying to not off myself for a while now. My family would be devastated and that's the only thing that is keeping me from doing it. My brother is getting his firearms licence and wanted me to come with him, but I had to refuse, because I know if I had a weapon it would just be a matter of time. What can be done to make the pain stop. To stop caring about how awful I look and how much I hate myself because of it.",cheesydog7,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7a0n/im_so_ugly_i_want_to_fucking_end_it/,24 still terrible acne used hate way looked high school got hit acne huge cystic acne left scar face super painful used look high school mirror say hate want die mantra wa holding onto hope wa teenage phase would get life year year still get new zit cyst every day painful pop bleed everywhere tried acne treatment except accutaine doctor recommended reason medical history offset acne grew hair long made main feature distract disgusting acne became large part personality friend time called goldilocks recently ago started balding really quickly hairline going way back starting lose hair crown looking old picture dad gonna gone year stand look mirror face red pocked covered acne one thing liked appearance slowly falling away sort freakish middle age man greasy teen hybrid used moderate luck relationship department back hair noone even look hair wa thing wa ever complimented treated like monster noone want picture life trying family would devastated thing keeping brother getting firearm licence wanted come refuse know weapon would matter time done make pain stop stop caring awful look much hate,ugly want fucking end,cheesy dog 7,1995,37,cheesy dog 7 24 still terrible acne used hate way looked high school got hit acne huge cystic acne left scar face super painful used look high school mirror say hate want die mantra wa holding onto hope wa teenage phase would get life year year still get new zit cyst every day painful pop bleed everywhere tried acne treatment except accutaine doctor recommended reason medical history offset acne grew hair long made main feature distract disgusting acne became large part personality friend time called goldilocks recently ago started balding really quickly hairline going way back starting lose hair crown looking old picture dad gonna gone year stand look mirror face red pocked covered acne one thing liked appearance slowly falling away sort freakish middle age man greasy teen hybrid used moderate luck relationship department back hair noone even look hair wa thing wa ever complimented treated like monster noone want picture life trying family would devastated thing keeping brother getting firearm licence wanted come refuse know weapon would matter time done make pain stop stop caring awful look much hate ugly want fucking end
How to commit suicide the easiest way possible?,emptypost,Jackbright682,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe796n/how_to_commit_suicide_the_easiest_way_possible/,emptypost,commit suicide easiest way possible,jack bright 682,9,47,jack bright 682 emptypost commit suicide easiest way possible
My entire life has hit the reset button and I’ve entirely given up hope,"This is quite the long story but i just needed to vent. 

TW: drug use

September 9th Of 2018 was the worst day of my life, on that day my father had passed away unexpectedly from a blood clot in his lung that the doctors knew about but never put him on medication for. That day, my entire life had changed and since then I haven’t been able to recover. While yes I was depressed much before this and had been struggling with suicidal thoughts and tendencies since I was 8, my father death had made it all so much worse. I had started to get on anti-depressants, get counseling, and come out to my mother as trans not long after this because she had discovered I was trans. None of these treatments helped much until late November after I had attempted suicide and realized how cared for I was by family that had visited me in the hospital, then I really started to work hard for them to get better and to make sure I could get to the day when I could start hormone replacement therapy in about a year. Not long after that incident I traveled to New Mexico to visit family and my mom fell in love with a hole here and felt the need to reconnect with the family that lived there so she had decided to buy a home here and make my family move, which I can’t fully blame her for wanting to get out of the state we lived in (ny), it reminded her too much of my dad. When I first heard this news I was depressed about it but slowly become more accepting as I got much happier and healthier. I got to a point where I no longer felt the need for medication and cut back on therapy before moving to New Mexico, but those months of hard work all crashed when I got here. When I moved I had honestly lost everything I had known and have been stuck with a family of alcoholics who always start stupid drama over small things. I feel as if I can’t even do anything without someone starting shit about something I’ve done when I’m around them. But anyways soon enough I start school, I’m fairly excited about it but quickly that excitement dies out and is replaced with absolute misery. The school I currently go to refuses to let me use the mens bathroom and makes me use the women’s one because of my biological sex, keeps all of my accounts and name on the attendance as my birth name despite the fact I don’t identify with it, and dress coded me for piercings and dyed hair which they had never mentioned would be a problem when I went to register for the school not even a week before the school year started. So on my first day I get dress coded for things I was never warned about and told I had signed a paper that states I fully read through the dress code and agreed to comply with it (which I had actually gotten two weeks later during school hours). Bullshit, right? Well it gets worse. The only kid willing to talk to me was a drug addict who had done cocaine in front of me and offered me some, while high he almost choked himself to death and chucked a desk at the girls in front of us which was quite fucking terrifying. Almost a month after this event the same kid breaks my pencil sharpener and takes the blade part out of it, leaving the class shortly after to go to the bathroom. Of course I tell the teacher and she gets the counselor to get him, and he gets sent to a mental hospital for a week or so and transfers schools. So while yes, he may have been an absolute crackhead he was still the only friend I had so I was very bummed out and felt alone. Months pass and I feel more and more depressed as days go by, I start contemplating suicide once again and try to get my mom to get me a therapist (which she still hasn’t done). And of course on top of all of this kids at school find out I’m transgender and I’ve been getting dead named, picked on, and asked extremely personal questions  since then. Because of this discovery made by my classmates I’ve started to also gotten rape threats and death threats in which I feel there’s no point in reporting since the school cannot even comply by the laws and let me use the bathroom I feel comfortable in. Well I have started to make friends I still feel all alone and hopeless for things to get any better for my life, I’ve been trying so hard to get my life back into shape and actually gave loving here my best shot but I’ve failed myself and been failed by so many others, I see no point in continuing on since things keep getting worse and I’m not sure if I can hold on that much longer. The only reason I’m still here is because I know there’s people that care and I don’t want to put them through the same pain I went through when I lost my dad.",Throwaway12034056078,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9qvi/my_entire_life_has_hit_the_reset_button_and_ive/,quite long story needed vent tw drug use september 9th 2018 wa worst day life day father passed away unexpectedly blood clot lung doctor knew never put medication day entire life changed since able recover yes wa depressed much struggling suicidal thought tendency since wa 8 father death made much worse started get anti depressant get counseling come mother trans long discovered wa trans none treatment helped much late november attempted suicide realized cared wa family visited hospital really started work hard get better make sure could get day could start hormone replacement therapy year long incident traveled new mexico visit family mom fell love hole felt need reconnect family lived decided buy home make family move fully blame wanting get state lived ny reminded much dad first heard news wa depressed slowly become accepting got much happier healthier got point longer felt need medication cut back therapy moving new mexico month hard work crashed got moved honestly lost everything known stuck family alcoholic always start stupid drama small thing feel even anything without someone starting shit something done around anyways soon enough start school fairly excited quickly excitement dy replaced absolute misery school currently go refuse let use men bathroom make use woman one biological sex keep account name attendance birth name despite fact identify dress coded piercings dyed hair never mentioned would problem went register school even week school year started first day get dress coded thing wa never warned told signed paper state fully read dress code agreed comply actually gotten two week later school hour bullshit right well get worse kid willing talk wa drug addict done cocaine front offered high almost choked death chucked desk girl front u wa quite fucking terrifying almost month event kid break pencil sharpener take blade part leaving class shortly go bathroom course tell teacher get counselor get get sent mental hospital week transfer school yes may absolute crackhead wa still friend wa bummed felt alone month pas feel depressed day go start contemplating suicide try get mom get therapist still done course top kid school find transgender getting dead named picked asked extremely personal question since discovery made classmate started also gotten rape threat death threat feel point reporting since school cannot even comply law let use bathroom feel comfortable well started make friend still feel alone hopeless thing get better life trying hard get life back shape actually gave loving best shot failed failed many others see point continuing since thing keep getting worse sure hold much longer reason still know people care want put pain went lost dad,entire life ha hit reset button entirely given hope,throwaway 12034056078,4610,71,throwaway 12034056078 quite long story needed vent tw drug use september 9th 2018 wa worst day life day father passed away unexpectedly blood clot lung doctor knew never put medication day entire life changed since able recover yes wa depressed much struggling suicidal thought tendency since wa 8 father death made much worse started get anti depressant get counseling come mother trans long discovered wa trans none treatment helped much late november attempted suicide realized cared wa family visited hospital really started work hard get better make sure could get day could start hormone replacement therapy year long incident traveled new mexico visit family mom fell love hole felt need reconnect family lived decided buy home make family move fully blame wanting get state lived ny reminded much dad first heard news wa depressed slowly become accepting got much happier healthier got point longer felt need medication cut back therapy moving new mexico month hard work crashed got moved honestly lost everything known stuck family alcoholic always start stupid drama small thing feel even anything without someone starting shit something done around anyways soon enough start school fairly excited quickly excitement dy replaced absolute misery school currently go refuse let use men bathroom make use woman one biological sex keep account name attendance birth name despite fact identify dress coded piercings dyed hair never mentioned would problem went register school even week school year started first day get dress coded thing wa never warned told signed paper state fully read dress code agreed comply actually gotten two week later school hour bullshit right well get worse kid willing talk wa drug addict done cocaine front offered high almost choked death chucked desk girl front u wa quite fucking terrifying almost month event kid break pencil sharpener take blade part leaving class shortly go bathroom course tell teacher get counselor get get sent mental hospital week transfer school yes may absolute crackhead wa still friend wa bummed felt alone month pas feel depressed day go start contemplating suicide try get mom get therapist still done course top kid school find transgender getting dead named picked asked extremely personal question since discovery made classmate started also gotten rape threat death threat feel point reporting since school cannot even comply law let use bathroom feel comfortable well started make friend still feel alone hopeless thing get better life trying hard get life back shape actually gave loving best shot failed failed many others see point continuing since thing keep getting worse sure hold much longer reason still know people care want put pain went lost dad entire life ha hit reset button entirely given hope
Where do I go?,"I've tried every path possible to stop my pain. Counseling so far seemed like it failed. I'm trying extremely hard at everything but the universe likes to play a reverse card and send me back to the put I just came from. I'm just constantly losing and whenever I do win it's only for a millisecond.

I'm literally extremely humble and nice but in a way I can't be used and the universe still trashes me for it. I'm trying just so hard.

People say it's going to get better but how it's been going only downhill and I'm doing nothing to cause this.

I always feel fake, empty, and soulless but all I want I to feel feel and be full of emotions, but the world I've seen is built to destroy me and continue to get me farther from that.

I honestly want to be able to be comforted by my friends by nothing fucking works I'm literally both an Anti-introvert and anti-extrovert,nothing works for me.

My counseler tells me to challenge my negative thoughts but really how do challenge that in a mind that the light gave up in.

I've got no where to escape but death and I'm 15.",SadisticWhistle,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9px5/where_do_i_go/,tried every path possible stop pain counseling far seemed like failed trying extremely hard everything universe like play reverse card send back put came constantly losing whenever win millisecond literally extremely humble nice way used universe still trash trying hard people say going get better going downhill nothing cause always feel fake empty soulless want feel feel full emotion world seen built destroy continue get farther honestly want able comforted friend nothing fucking work literally anti introvert anti extrovert nothing work counseler tell challenge negative thought really challenge mind light gave got escape death 15,go,sadistic whistle,1071,14,sadistic whistle tried every path possible stop pain counseling far seemed like failed trying extremely hard everything universe like play reverse card send back put came constantly losing whenever win millisecond literally extremely humble nice way used universe still trash trying hard people say going get better going downhill nothing cause always feel fake empty soulless want feel feel full emotion world seen built destroy continue get farther honestly want able comforted friend nothing fucking work literally anti introvert anti extrovert nothing work counseler tell challenge negative thought really challenge mind light gave got escape death 15 go
I just want to go home,"I think of myself as a spiritual person. I also think of myself of not ever belonging in this world. I don’t understand why I was even born and placed into a life where I would be met with great obstacles. People, even family have been against me. I just want to go back to wherever my soul came from. I’m so tired. I’m so exhausted with life. I don’t want to live anymore.",StopPanicking,11,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdterl/i_just_want_to_go_home/,think spiritual person also think ever belonging world understand wa even born placed life would met great obstacle people even family want go back wherever soul came tired exhausted life want live anymore,want go home,stop panicking,373,22,stop panicking think spiritual person also think ever belonging world understand wa even born placed life would met great obstacle people even family want go back wherever soul came tired exhausted life want live anymore want go home
You ever feel like you're not meant to exist?,"Im about to graduate and I feel 0 desire to go to college and find a career or anything. What's the point? To while my time away because everyone else is doing it? Lol. Thanks, but no thanks. I'd much rather just not exist. This shits boring and dumb af.",JotaroFucksDolphins,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9nv8/you_ever_feel_like_youre_not_meant_to_exist/,im graduate feel 0 desire go college find career anything point time away everyone else lol thanks thanks much rather exist shit boring dumb af,ever feel like meant exist,jo taro fuck dolphin,254,45,jo taro fuck dolphin im graduate feel 0 desire go college find career anything point time away everyone else lol thanks thanks much rather exist shit boring dumb af ever feel like meant exist
Every single day it gets closer,Every night I put my gun in my mouth and struggle not to pull the trigger. I just cant yet knowing how hurt my lover would be,3Toes88,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5crd/every_single_day_it_gets_closer/,every night put gun mouth struggle pull trigger cant yet knowing hurt lover would,every single day get closer,3 toe 88,125,31,3 toe 88 every night put gun mouth struggle pull trigger cant yet knowing hurt lover would every single day get closer
I got the gun,"It’s over I can’t believe it I never thought I’d get this. driving to a quiet park and I’m gonna call the cops before I do it. So I won’t be to smelly to come clean it up. I’m lining the car with garbage bags. I’m sorry for anyone that has to suffer here on this earth in your body when it is the thing you resent most. I hope you find peace I will soon. Maybe you’ll hear about me in the news I’m from PA not much information. But just a hint I guess. 

Thank you good luck and goodbye see ya on the other side.",enk9898,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdwqzz/i_got_the_gun/,believe never thought get driving quiet park gonna call cop smelly come clean lining car garbage bag sorry anyone ha suffer earth body thing resent hope find peace soon maybe hear news pa much information hint guess thank good luck goodbye see ya side,got gun,en k 9898,512,13,en k 9898 believe never thought get driving quiet park gonna call cop smelly come clean lining car garbage bag sorry anyone ha suffer earth body thing resent hope find peace soon maybe hear news pa much information hint guess thank good luck goodbye see ya side got gun
can coronavirus just kill me?,"all my life i have been in second and third place. never first. theres always someone better than me. im always one step behind. i cant get all honors i cant live up to my parents expectations they will never be proud of me. i always have to ""hurry up"". my sibilings are 10x better than me at everything. i have no common sense, even my third grade teacher told me. im in the smartest class but my grades are inconsistent. i've become content with failure. i've stopped trying. i only like two of my friends and i have over 10. i spend thousands of hours on a game and im still not good at it. i have nothing to live for except my dog. if i grow up and get a job ill still be crippled by student loans, because even though my brother got a scholarship i most definitely wont get one. i will work a 9-5 hour job never enjoying my life. i cant control my anger, my relatives are extremely annoying and i constantly have incredibly high standards set upon me when i know my dad never met those expectations. i will never be good at spanish. i have nothing to live for. i used to be athletic during elementary now i get ridiculed for being unable to catch a tennis ball. i dont know how to end this post",wieldycomplains,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe72iz/can_coronavirus_just_kill_me/,life second third place never first always someone better im always one step behind cant get honor cant live parent expectation never proud always hurry sibilings 10x better everything common sense even third grade teacher told im smartest class grade inconsistent become content failure stopped trying like two friend 10 spend thousand hour game im still good nothing live except dog grow get job ill still crippled student loan even though brother got scholarship definitely wont get one work 9 5 hour job never enjoying life cant control anger relative extremely annoying constantly incredibly high standard set upon know dad never met expectation never good spanish nothing live used athletic elementary get ridiculed unable catch tennis ball dont know end post,coronavirus kill,wield complains,1199,29,wield complains life second third place never first always someone better im always one step behind cant get honor cant live parent expectation never proud always hurry sibilings 10x better everything common sense even third grade teacher told im smartest class grade inconsistent become content failure stopped trying like two friend 10 spend thousand hour game im still good nothing live except dog grow get job ill still crippled student loan even though brother got scholarship definitely wont get one work 9 5 hour job never enjoying life cant control anger relative extremely annoying constantly incredibly high standard set upon know dad never met expectation never good spanish nothing live used athletic elementary get ridiculed unable catch tennis ball dont know end post coronavirus kill
Pretty sure I'd rather be dead,I think I speak for alot of people here when I say that I wish assisted suicide was available for anyone who wanted it and was willing to wait through a cooling off period. Life is a fucking prison and I hate it.,methylphenidate1,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9lyj/pretty_sure_id_rather_be_dead/,think speak alot people say wish assisted suicide wa available anyone wanted wa willing wait cooling period life fucking prison hate,pretty sure rather dead,methylphenidate 1,212,30,methylphenidate 1 think speak alot people say wish assisted suicide wa available anyone wanted wa willing wait cooling period life fucking prison hate pretty sure rather dead
How many of us are here because of sexual abuse?,"So many people have experienced it, and so many more *don't even realize* that they have. We were too young to remember, or we think that one thing that happened doesn't count, or we are in denial that that's what it truly was. But our body remembers. Our bodies and our souls, they carry the heaviness of the pain that we can never seem to put down. I believe that most of the times people want to end their lives, even if they are doing it slowly through addictions or passive behaviors, it's for this reason. 

Whether we were manipulated, tricked, forced, brutalized, lied to, used and discarded... all of these actions cut deep, to the very core of our being, and it feels like there's no way to ever move past them. When there's nothing else to distract us, the weight is unbearable.",GereniumLeaf,12,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdt5ui/how_many_of_us_are_here_because_of_sexual_abuse/,many people experienced many even realize young remember think one thing happened count denial truly wa body remembers body soul carry heaviness pain never seem put believe time people want end life even slowly addiction passive behavior reason whether manipulated tricked forced brutalized lied used discarded action cut deep core feel like way ever move past nothing else distract u weight unbearable,many u sexual abuse,geren um leaf,789,48,geren um leaf many people experienced many even realize young remember think one thing happened count denial truly wa body remembers body soul carry heaviness pain never seem put believe time people want end life even slowly addiction passive behavior reason whether manipulated tricked forced brutalized lied used discarded action cut deep core feel like way ever move past nothing else distract u weight unbearable many u sexual abuse
i find comfort in the object i wanna harm myself with.,"today was really rough for me, as i've struggled with my gender identity for almost 2 years now. my boyfriend says that he'll love me no matter what, even if i decide i'm happier as a girl instead of a boy like i've convinced myself. we're both trans and afab, but i'm having my doubts. he told me today that he'd never leave me, but that only made my depression spiral back down. i've talked to him, and he told me all these coping mechanisms, but they never work.
my one ""coping mechanism"" is having the knowledge of the thing i want to hurt myself with is within my reach. i have a utility knife that i wanna use for my own safety in college, but for now i really wanna cut myself with it.
i'm scared to try and kms again, but when i tried to open up to my family about being trans, they tell me that i haven't given it enough thought and that i don't know what i want (i'm 17 and have known i hated being a girl since i hit puberty at 10).
i don't wanna attempt again, but i'm desperate. i wanna be okay.",---jordan---,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4zvm/i_find_comfort_in_the_object_i_wanna_harm_myself/,today wa really rough struggled gender identity almost 2 year boyfriend say love matter even decide happier girl instead boy like convinced trans afab doubt told today never leave made depression spiral back talked told coping mechanism never work one coping mechanism knowledge thing want hurt within reach utility knife wanna use safety college really wanna cut scared try km tried open family trans tell given enough thought know want 17 known hated girl since hit puberty 10 wanna attempt desperate wanna okay,find comfort object wanna harm,jordan,1008,54,jordan today wa really rough struggled gender identity almost 2 year boyfriend say love matter even decide happier girl instead boy like convinced trans afab doubt told today never leave made depression spiral back talked told coping mechanism never work one coping mechanism knowledge thing want hurt within reach utility knife wanna use safety college really wanna cut scared try km tried open family trans tell given enough thought know want 17 known hated girl since hit puberty 10 wanna attempt desperate wanna okay find comfort object wanna harm
My mom told me to kill myself,"She was yelling at me about school stuff in the car. I usually stay calm and let her get it out of her system but today I snapped and told her that I’m suicidal, hoping that she’d calm down. She did not. She belittled me for it while I tried to keep myself from crying too much. I tried again, telling her that I want to kill myself and asking if that’s what she wants. Her immediate response was “You know what? Do what you fucking want.” 

I’m so tired. I’m sixteen, this isn’t normal. I defend her at every turn, even now in group chats with friends calling her abusive while I’m sleeping over at a friend’s house because the thought of returning home makes me feel like I’m gonna puke. 
I had a vivid image of my dead body covered in blood with a note saying that line of hers and a smiley face. I also want to see the look on her face when I walk up to her with a knife in my hand and tear my wrists open. I want to damage her as much as she’s damaged me. 

I’m not as depressed as I normally am, surprisingly. Just tired. She came by with a bag of extra clothes for me and I think she found an empty pack of cigarettes in my closet because she took a shirt of mine that was under it (I hide it between layers). My friend went out to get it for me because thinking about talking to her face to face made me anxious. She blamed him, to his face, for me wanting to switch schools; that he scared me out of my current program. 

I’m not actually going to kill myself or anything, as much as I want to. It’s too short notice for me to make any final preparations. But I think if I hadn’t called my friend I’d have broken my self harm clean streak and cut down to the dermis again or maybe even deeper. 

The icing on the cake for all this is that I got called selfish by my mom for not coming home. Her boyfriend’s mother passed away recently (we live with him) and her funeral is tomorrow. I have selfish timing apparently, and I’m not even the one who started this whole thing in the first place. I’ve cried so much that I don’t feel any strong emotions anymore. All I have right now is sadness, but it almost fades into me being tired. 

I also have guilt. Not because of this but because I have an important group project due tomorrow and I was supposed to make a poster. I obviously wasn’t able to complete it. People’s grades are going to suffer because I’m too weak to just walk inside the appartment and sit through some yelling     

I just don’t deserve to live, I guess. I’m a massive letdown to everyone in one way or another. People would be much happier with me gone, my parents are divorced and though my dad would be upset about losing me at least he won’t have to put up with my melodrama anymore. My mom won’t have to stress herself out over me being too tired to put effort into school, there wouldn’t be any strain on her relationship with her boyfriend anymore because of me. My classmates won’t have to worry about bad grades because of a flakey group member. My boyfriend can get someone who won’t ruin his mood all the time just by talking about their feelings. My family doesn’t have to worry about me being a disgrace or anything, if a member dies by suicide they’ll likely just get pity rather than dirty looks after I inevitably become a junkie. 

The only one I would really feel bad for is my dog. I don’t see him often, every few months or so. But he loves me about as much as I love him. I don’t know how I could ever explain to him, in a way that he’ll understand, why I’m leaving and not coming back. Why it’s not his fault, the extent of how much I love him, how good of a boy he is. That’s just something I’ll never be able to do for him. 

Vent over. I need to get some sleep but I don’t think I’ll be able to get up in the morning. 

If it’s any consolation, to those that have read this far, I’m seeing my psychologist tomorrow.",witch_image,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4x5d/my_mom_told_me_to_kill_myself/,wa yelling school stuff car usually stay calm let get system today snapped told suicidal hoping calm belittled tried keep cry much tried telling want kill asking want immediate response wa know fucking want tired sixteen normal defend every turn even group chat friend calling abusive sleeping friend house thought returning home make feel like gonna puke vivid image dead body covered blood note saying line smiley face also want see look face walk knife hand tear wrist open want damage much damaged depressed normally surprisingly tired came bag extra clothes think found empty pack cigarette closet took shirt mine wa hide layer friend went get thinking talking face face made anxious blamed face wanting switch school scared current program actually going kill anything much want short notice make final preparation think called friend broken self harm clean streak cut dermis maybe even deeper icing cake got called selfish mom coming home boyfriend mother passed away recently live funeral tomorrow selfish timing apparently even one started whole thing first place cried much feel strong emotion anymore right sadness almost fade tired also guilt important group project due tomorrow wa supposed make poster obviously able complete people grade going suffer weak walk inside appartment sit yelling deserve live guess massive letdown everyone one way another people would much happier gone parent divorced though dad would upset losing least put melodrama anymore mom stress tired put effort school strain relationship boyfriend anymore classmate worry bad grade flakey group member boyfriend get someone ruin mood time talking feeling family worry disgrace anything member dy suicide likely get pity rather dirty look inevitably become junkie one would really feel bad dog see often every month love much love know could ever explain way understand leaving coming back fault extent much love good boy something never able vent need get sleep think able get morning consolation read far seeing psychologist tomorrow,mom told kill,witch image,3868,29,witch image wa yelling school stuff car usually stay calm let get system today snapped told suicidal hoping calm belittled tried keep cry much tried telling want kill asking want immediate response wa know fucking want tired sixteen normal defend every turn even group chat friend calling abusive sleeping friend house thought returning home make feel like gonna puke vivid image dead body covered blood note saying line smiley face also want see look face walk knife hand tear wrist open want damage much damaged depressed normally surprisingly tired came bag extra clothes think found empty pack cigarette closet took shirt mine wa hide layer friend went get thinking talking face face made anxious blamed face wanting switch school scared current program actually going kill anything much want short notice make final preparation think called friend broken self harm clean streak cut dermis maybe even deeper icing cake got called selfish mom coming home boyfriend mother passed away recently live funeral tomorrow selfish timing apparently even one started whole thing first place cried much feel strong emotion anymore right sadness almost fade tired also guilt important group project due tomorrow wa supposed make poster obviously able complete people grade going suffer weak walk inside appartment sit yelling deserve live guess massive letdown everyone one way another people would much happier gone parent divorced though dad would upset losing least put melodrama anymore mom stress tired put effort school strain relationship boyfriend anymore classmate worry bad grade flakey group member boyfriend get someone ruin mood time talking feeling family worry disgrace anything member dy suicide likely get pity rather dirty look inevitably become junkie one would really feel bad dog see often every month love much love know could ever explain way understand leaving coming back fault extent much love good boy something never able vent need get sleep think able get morning consolation read far seeing psychologist tomorrow mom told kill
I hate lying to my bf,Deleted,acheacheacheache,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9bgc/i_hate_lying_to_my_bf/,deleted,hate lying bf,ach e,7,21,ach e deleted hate lying bf
Guess who’s back,"I knew that wouldn’t last long. Ok story time. You last heard from me saying I’m leaving the sub, now I have a crippling addiction to self harm and want to die because of it. Needless to say I did something wrong.    
I’ll explain, I was enjoying some YouTube when I saw “Beautiful?” by illymations. It was a very triggering song for me and I sniped my skin after a year long clean streak ( if you’re confused because I’ve been gone for four months I didn’t cut in that time) and gained a handy dandy addiction. I used anything I could get my hands on, then one day my dog was biting me really hard and I went on the floor crying thinking about how everyone hates me even my dog. Then I really wanted to die every day. I have the same schedule every day, wake up and snooze till I make my lunch, I never eat breakfast, switch t-shirts, bike to school and say hi to the crossing guard, go to each class feeling like garbage and cutting in pe and English, biking home feeling like a failure, eating and being apathetic, doing my homework till I pass out (so like two pages in) waking up and doing more homework then going to bed at 2 then waking up and doing it all again. I became really shady going to target for razor blades at 8 pm and wearing hoodies everywhere.
Now I feel bad for writing this",the-annoying-vegan,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9b64/guess_whos_back/,knew last long ok story time last heard saying leaving sub crippling addiction self harm want die needle say something wrong explain wa enjoying youtube saw beautiful illymations wa triggering song sniped skin year long clean streak confused gone four month cut time gained handy dandy addiction used anything could get hand one day dog wa biting really hard went floor cry thinking everyone hate even dog really wanted die every day schedule every day wake snooze till make lunch never eat breakfast switch shirt bike school say hi crossing guard go class feeling like garbage cutting pe english biking home feeling like failure eating apathetic homework till pas like two page waking homework going bed 2 waking became really shady going target razor blade 8 pm wearing hoodies everywhere feel bad writing,guess back,annoying vegan,1297,16,annoying vegan knew last long ok story time last heard saying leaving sub crippling addiction self harm want die needle say something wrong explain wa enjoying youtube saw beautiful illymations wa triggering song sniped skin year long clean streak confused gone four month cut time gained handy dandy addiction used anything could get hand one day dog wa biting really hard went floor cry thinking everyone hate even dog really wanted die every day schedule every day wake snooze till make lunch never eat breakfast switch shirt bike school say hi crossing guard go class feeling like garbage cutting pe english biking home feeling like failure eating apathetic homework till pas like two page waking homework going bed 2 waking became really shady going target razor blade 8 pm wearing hoodies everywhere feel bad writing guess back
A friend of mine tried to commit suicide,"And I really want to help him somehow but I just don't know how. I don't understand how he feels to be honest, since we are just so different I guess, but I try. What should I do? We don't live in the same city, so I'm taking a day off from college and going home this weekend. Is it a good idea to take origami paper to fold origami or play chess or something similar? He doesn't know any of those, so I thought maybe a new activity might help. What do you think?",dark-chocolate25,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9arq/a_friend_of_mine_tried_to_commit_suicide/,really want help somehow know understand feel honest since different guess try live city taking day college going home weekend good idea take origami paper fold origami play chess something similar know thought maybe new activity might help think,friend mine tried commit suicide,dark chocolate 25,464,40,dark chocolate 25 really want help somehow know understand feel honest since different guess try live city taking day college going home weekend good idea take origami paper fold origami play chess something similar know thought maybe new activity might help think friend mine tried commit suicide
i think about it from time to time.,"mostly not in a serious way just wondering how i am going to do it, how death is like, would it be like pulling the plug of a TV? just a blank screen ? will your soul leave your body ?

sometime i think if i am going to leave a note what should i put in it? maybe i should write something in german just to mess with my family or tattoo some satanic symbols all over my body for no reason just i am weird and messing with people's heads one last time sounds fun.",LannisterZ94,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe9amc/i_think_about_it_from_time_to_time/,mostly serious way wondering going death like would like pulling plug tv blank screen soul leave body sometime think going leave note put maybe write something german mess family tattoo satanic symbol body reason weird messing people head one last time sound fun,think time time,lanni ster z 94,462,35,lanni ster z 94 mostly serious way wondering going death like would like pulling plug tv blank screen soul leave body sometime think going leave note put maybe write something german mess family tattoo satanic symbol body reason weird messing people head one last time sound fun think time time
i want someone to kill me,"I don't have the strength or really the means to do it right. I just want instant death when I least expect it. I don't feel like I'm supposed to be alive, every day is completely miserable. Most days have always been at the very least not good. The months are just passing by now, I haven't had a real friend in years. My girlfriend lives hundreds of miles away and it feels like she doesn't care anymore about me because of how I am. I don't even blame her. I'm ready to die, it's just so hard to do so. Every day I look at suicide methods and and it's the same fucking articles and posts. It's almost funny. I stopped taking my useless antidepressants because I was tired of being asexual, now I have these brain zaps and it's so weak. I just laugh or cry for no reason at times. All there is in this house is yelling. A simple chore feels sisyphean, why bother? I'm 18 now but I don't feel like I have had any kind of childhood or teenagehood. Where did it go? I'm supposed to be happy about college or something. that's what they tell me. i'm tired of typing, fuck this",CrispySnilfJuice,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4ti0/i_want_someone_to_kill_me/,strength really mean right want instant death least expect feel like supposed alive every day completely miserable day always least good month passing real friend year girlfriend life hundred mile away feel like care anymore even blame ready die hard every day look suicide method fucking article post almost funny stopped taking useless antidepressant wa tired asexual brain zap weak laugh cry reason time house yelling simple chore feel sisyphean bother 18 feel like kind childhood teenagehood go supposed happy college something tell tired typing fuck,want someone kill,crispy nil f juice,1074,25,crispy nil f juice strength really mean right want instant death least expect feel like supposed alive every day completely miserable day always least good month passing real friend year girlfriend life hundred mile away feel like care anymore even blame ready die hard every day look suicide method fucking article post almost funny stopped taking useless antidepressant wa tired asexual brain zap weak laugh cry reason time house yelling simple chore feel sisyphean bother 18 feel like kind childhood teenagehood go supposed happy college something tell tired typing fuck want someone kill
I’ve made a decision,"At the end of March if things still aren’t better, I’m just gonna take the whole bottle of acetaminophen in the kitchen before school. If it doesn’t kill me, then my parents will know I’m suicidal, and if does then I’ll be dead! It’s a win-win either way.

I would stay home from school, but I feel like that would arouse suspicion. If I start feeling the effects around lunch and don’t want to go back to school so they don’t figure it out, then I’ll just drive to a Walmart parking lot or something.

Sure, I’ll be missing graduation and prom and all those super important high school things... but at this point I don’t care. I see no point in continuing to live. We’ve already lost 5 students this year so I kind of feel bad that I’m going to subject my school to more grief but only like 10 people know me well so it won’t hurt that much.",StarryEyedConfidence,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe3bdc/ive_made_a_decision/,end march thing still better gonna take whole bottle acetaminophen kitchen school kill parent know suicidal doe dead win win either way would stay home school feel like would arouse suspicion start feeling effect around lunch want go back school figure drive walmart parking lot something sure missing graduation prom super important high school thing point care see point continuing live already lost 5 student year kind feel bad going subject school grief like 10 people know well hurt much,made decision,starry eyed confidence,843,20,starry eyed confidence end march thing still better gonna take whole bottle acetaminophen kitchen school kill parent know suicidal doe dead win win either way would stay home school feel like would arouse suspicion start feeling effect around lunch want go back school figure drive walmart parking lot something sure missing graduation prom super important high school thing point care see point continuing live already lost 5 student year kind feel bad going subject school grief like 10 people know well hurt much made decision
Please be mindful,"When someone is depressed you shouldn’t try to “fix them” you can’t love someone’s depression away but you can love someone through depression when someone all of a sudden is really happy and maybe starts giving out gifts or just dismisses depression entirely, ask them what’s up because most of the time they aren’t happy, they’re at peace with the decision they’ve made to kill themselves and finalized their decision, I don’t think I have any real friends, they aren’t phased when I’m noticeably sadder than normal and they just don’t really care if I’m there or not in general but I’m friends with them because they put up with me at least, the second someone finds out about my mental health issues that’s all they know me as, the kid who wants to kill himself I’m doing shit in school too I’m a junior and this is my do or die year this decides if I graduate or not but I can’t find motivation for anything I have an assignment due tomorrow but I just can’t bring myself to do it, anyways if you’re in this sub I assume you’re a nicer person than most but still id like to say a simple compliment to someone can go a long way",Captain-cookie1,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8ywx/please_be_mindful/,someone depressed try fix love someone depression away love someone depression someone sudden really happy maybe start giving gift dismisses depression entirely ask time happy peace decision made kill finalized decision think real friend phased noticeably sadder normal really care general friend put least second someone find mental health issue know kid want kill shit school junior die year decides graduate find motivation anything assignment due tomorrow bring anyways sub assume nicer person still id like say simple compliment someone go long way,please mindful,captain cookie 1,1131,17,captain cookie 1 someone depressed try fix love someone depression away love someone depression someone sudden really happy maybe start giving gift dismisses depression entirely ask time happy peace decision made kill finalized decision think real friend phased noticeably sadder normal really care general friend put least second someone find mental health issue know kid want kill shit school junior die year decides graduate find motivation anything assignment due tomorrow bring anyways sub assume nicer person still id like say simple compliment someone go long way please mindful
There's nothing left for me on this Earth but people keep me alive for what? Their own feelings?,It feels so selfish to me that people are making me suffer just because it would make them sad. There's nothing left for me on this Earth and the life I have to live seems more impossible by the day. I just want to end it but people just want me alive for themselves without thinking about how I'm feeling. I just want out of the life I've been given,hypermads2003,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe66tp/theres_nothing_left_for_me_on_this_earth_but/,feel selfish people making suffer would make sad nothing left earth life live seems impossible day want end people want alive without thinking feeling want life given,nothing left earth people keep alive feeling,hyper mads 2003,350,96,hyper mads 2003 feel selfish people making suffer would make sad nothing left earth life live seems impossible day want end people want alive without thinking feeling want life given nothing left earth people keep alive feeling
I don't know,"I thought I was in love. We worked well. She liked me and I liked her. I'm in my late 20's and she was the first and only person to care about me. Now she's gone. She wants to be with someone else. She doesn't care for me anymore. I'm going to die alone and uncared for. I don't see a reason to keep going on with life. I might as well skip years of agony. I don't want to be alone, but no one wants me. I'm tired.",sywkfhnl,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe64z4/i_dont_know/,thought wa love worked well liked liked late 20 wa first person care gone want someone else care anymore going die alone uncared see reason keep going life might well skip year agony want alone one want tired,know,sy w kf hnl,414,12,sy w kf hnl thought wa love worked well liked liked late 20 wa first person care gone want someone else care anymore going die alone uncared see reason keep going life might well skip year agony want alone one want tired know
I don't want to exist,"The summer of 2019 I started developing severe OCD after suffering from mild, unnoticeable OCD for many years. I just feel so tired of things, so bored of living, but I can't commit suicide.

I know that there are people who care about about me, like my parents, and the shit they would have to go trough if I commited suicide is unbearable for me to imagine.

But I just wished I didn't exist, that I never was born. I wish I could vanish from this world, be gone like the wind.

I often wish I would die in an accident or disease, because maybe that would be less painful for the people around me then if I would commit suicide.

I have stayed home from school for about 2 months because of illness related to the stress, not stress from school, but from my mental health. I feel crippled.

One day I woke up and was completely emotionally numb. I couldn't feel happiness, sadness, anger or any other emotion, but it got better. But I really wished it wouldn't have gotten better, it was ""amazing"", I couldn't either feel anxiety so all I felt was blank.

When I think about the meaning of life I always come to the conclusion that I want to marry a wonderful woman, have kids and grow old and die of old age, and this is the other thing keeping me alive.

That was my story.",Isakbanton365,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe2zgg/i_dont_want_to_exist/,summer 2019 started developing severe ocd suffering mild unnoticeable ocd many year feel tired thing bored living commit suicide know people care like parent shit would go trough commited suicide unbearable imagine wished exist never wa born wish could vanish world gone like wind often wish would die accident disease maybe would le painful people around would commit suicide stayed home school 2 month illness related stress stress school mental health feel crippled one day woke wa completely emotionally numb feel happiness sadness anger emotion got better really wished gotten better wa amazing either feel anxiety felt wa blank think meaning life always come conclusion want marry wonderful woman kid grow old die old age thing keeping alive wa story,want exist,akb anton 365,1277,21,akb anton 365 summer 2019 started developing severe ocd suffering mild unnoticeable ocd many year feel tired thing bored living commit suicide know people care like parent shit would go trough commited suicide unbearable imagine wished exist never wa born wish could vanish world gone like wind often wish would die accident disease maybe would le painful people around would commit suicide stayed home school 2 month illness related stress stress school mental health feel crippled one day woke wa completely emotionally numb feel happiness sadness anger emotion got better really wished gotten better wa amazing either feel anxiety felt wa blank think meaning life always come conclusion want marry wonderful woman kid grow old die old age thing keeping alive wa story want exist
Running Out of Time,"The method of suicide I selected is hypothermia. There's a river near my house with 40 degree water Fahrenheit, 4 degrees Celsius. Being in there at night, no one would see me. I would tie a rope to a life jacket and confine myself to a tree so I don't drift along the current to a spot where someone would find me. Death would occur within a couple of hours of being in the water, and unconsciousness would happen before then. This method is easy to pull off because it doesn't involve highly intense pain, and I can get out if I really want to.

The problem is that this isn't going to work soon, due to the warmer seasons approaching. I have to quickly decide if I want to die. I'm afraid that if I don't act now, I'll regret it and have to endure life for another year, but I'm also not 100% set on death just yet.",libertysailor,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6461/running_out_of_time/,method suicide selected hypothermia river near house 40 degree water fahrenheit 4 degree celsius night one would see would tie rope life jacket confine tree drift along current spot someone would find death would occur within couple hour water unconsciousness would happen method easy pull involve highly intense pain get really want problem going work soon due warmer season approaching quickly decide want die afraid act regret endure life another year also 100 set death yet,running time,liberty sailor,818,19,liberty sailor method suicide selected hypothermia river near house 40 degree water fahrenheit 4 degree celsius night one would see would tie rope life jacket confine tree drift along current spot someone would find death would occur within couple hour water unconsciousness would happen method easy pull involve highly intense pain get really want problem going work soon due warmer season approaching quickly decide want die afraid act regret endure life another year also 100 set death yet running time
I think not killing your self because it would make other people uncomfortable is complete bullshit,"I want to die simple as that. I don’t want to do this anymore. My life has been a fucking shit show since I was 5. People are only in my life because I help them. I’m that person who will give you the fucking shirt off my back. Do I have anyone in my life who would do that for me? No

Right now I’m practically waiting for my nonverbal 3 year old who has autism to finally say she loves me and then I’ll check out. That’s the only thing I’m living for. 

When I told people that they called me selfish. “People love you” “think about your kids” “if you do it I’ll never visit your grave”. Why would it take for me to die for people to start showing love for me? Honestly my kid will be better off without me. They don’t deserve to have such a fucked up mom. And I’m not being buried. I want to be cremated and thrown away. So I don’t really need visitors. 

I SHOULD WANT TO DIE WHEN IM READY AND IM FUCKING READY",krv701,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8u1b/i_think_not_killing_your_self_because_it_would/,want die simple want anymore life ha fucking shit show since wa 5 people life help person give fucking shirt back anyone life would right practically waiting nonverbal 3 year old ha autism finally say love check thing living told people called selfish people love think kid never visit grave would take die people start showing love honestly kid better without deserve fucked mom buried want cremated thrown away really need visitor want die im ready im fucking ready,think killing self would make people uncomfortable complete bullshit,kr v 701,914,99,kr v 701 want die simple want anymore life ha fucking shit show since wa 5 people life help person give fucking shirt back anyone life would right practically waiting nonverbal 3 year old ha autism finally say love check thing living told people called selfish people love think kid never visit grave would take die people start showing love honestly kid better without deserve fucked mom buried want cremated thrown away really need visitor want die im ready im fucking ready think killing self would make people uncomfortable complete bullshit
My life is worthless.,"Every day now for years, it's been exactly the same. Wake up, attend online school, get scolded by my teachers and parents for my poor grades and how slow I am, spend hours doing homework I struggle with, be overwhelmed and stressed about my life, cry and contemplate dying, go to bed, and repeat. On the weekends I'll either just sit in my room all day watching YouTube or nap all day because I can't even find the energy to get out of bed and  do anything. I can't even find the will to finish my homework. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't have any skills, talents, or interests, and I can't even get a job since I live in the middle of nowhere and I'm terrified of learning to drive. I don't even really know anything about the real world. I'm just a husk of a  person who rots in isolation in my room all day fantasizing about being dead.  I am so desperately alone and I feel like a absolute worthless moron. My entire life I've literally never even had one friend. Every time in the past when I was going to public school and tried to make friends with people I always fucked up and made myself look idiotic  because I never understood how to talk to people and form connections  with them. I can't even make online friends. No one cares about me, not even my own parents. 

I  just am so tired of trying to survive each day of hell by myself. I  don't see how life can get any better when I'm already incapable of  achieving anything. It doesn't help either that I'm so scared about the  future. I don't know what I want out of my life, and even if I did, I'd have no idea how to get there with how far I've fallen behind everyone else and how unmotivated I am. I'm scared of fucking my life up even more than I already have. Maybe it'd be easier at this point for me to just drown myself to prevent having a depressing future where I'm suffering even more. I don't really know.",anxxxer,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8u0a/my_life_is_worthless/,every day year exactly wake attend online school get scolded teacher parent poor grade slow spend hour homework struggle overwhelmed stressed life cry contemplate dying go bed repeat weekend either sit room day watching youtube nap day even find energy get bed anything even find finish homework enjoy anything anymore skill talent interest even get job since live middle nowhere terrified learning drive even really know anything real world husk person rot isolation room day fantasizing dead desperately alone feel like absolute worthless moron entire life literally never even one friend every time past wa going public school tried make friend people always fucked made look idiotic never understood talk people form connection even make online friend one care even parent tired trying survive day hell see life get better already incapable achieving anything help either scared future know want life even idea get far fallen behind everyone else unmotivated scared fucking life even already maybe easier point drown prevent depressing future suffering even really know,life worthless,xxx er,1892,21,xxx er every day year exactly wake attend online school get scolded teacher parent poor grade slow spend hour homework struggle overwhelmed stressed life cry contemplate dying go bed repeat weekend either sit room day watching youtube nap day even find energy get bed anything even find finish homework enjoy anything anymore skill talent interest even get job since live middle nowhere terrified learning drive even really know anything real world husk person rot isolation room day fantasizing dead desperately alone feel like absolute worthless moron entire life literally never even one friend every time past wa going public school tried make friend people always fucked made look idiotic never understood talk people form connection even make online friend one care even parent tired trying survive day hell see life get better already incapable achieving anything help either scared future know want life even idea get far fallen behind everyone else unmotivated scared fucking life even already maybe easier point drown prevent depressing future suffering even really know life worthless
Life isn’t worth it,"Failing half my classes, same as last semester, going to drop out of college at the end of the semester with no life direction, no ambition, no motivation, no desires, dreams, will to live. I don’t know how I’m going to hide the scars covering my arm during the summer when it’s 100 fucking degrees out. I’ve worn short sleeve shirts my whole life almost never wearing long sleeves (not counting hoodies/coats/etc) so I’ll definitely receive lots of questions if I’m sweating my ass off wearing a long sleeve shirt for no reason during hot summer days. 

Don’t really see a way out of this shitty life other than killing myself. Mom asked me a couple weeks ago where I see myself in 10 years. I told her I didn’t know, but all I could think was that I don’t see any scenario where I’m alive in 10 years. Might as well just off myself now before everything goes to shit... sorry... before everything gets even shittier just like it always does. Cutting my hand right now cause I know it won’t leave scars like are on my arm. Don’t even know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just need to rant or get this off my chest. Maybe some part, hidden deep away inside me, actually believes typing this out will help. 

Nothing helps. I can distract myself from these thoughts temporarily, but ignoring the water doesn’t mean you’re not drowning.",PotatoSauce13,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe47xv/life_isnt_worth_it/,failing half class last semester going drop college end semester life direction ambition motivation desire dream live know going hide scar covering arm summer 100 fucking degree worn short sleeve shirt whole life almost never wearing long sleeve counting hoodies coat etc definitely receive lot question sweating wearing long sleeve shirt reason hot summer day really see way shitty life killing mom asked couple week ago see 10 year told know could think wa see scenario alive 10 year might well everything go shit sorry everything get even shittier like always doe cutting hand right cause know leave scar like arm even know writing maybe need rant get chest maybe part hidden deep away inside actually belief typing help nothing help distract thought temporarily ignoring water mean drowning,life worth,potato sauce 13,1332,19,potato sauce 13 failing half class last semester going drop college end semester life direction ambition motivation desire dream live know going hide scar covering arm summer 100 fucking degree worn short sleeve shirt whole life almost never wearing long sleeve counting hoodies coat etc definitely receive lot question sweating wearing long sleeve shirt reason hot summer day really see way shitty life killing mom asked couple week ago see 10 year told know could think wa see scenario alive 10 year might well everything go shit sorry everything get even shittier like always doe cutting hand right cause know leave scar like arm even know writing maybe need rant get chest maybe part hidden deep away inside actually belief typing help nothing help distract thought temporarily ignoring water mean drowning life worth
No kindness left in the world,"Having this constant feeling of being judged, mocked, persecuted against, glared at, being the one in others way, being talked about. I just want it to stop. Its ground me right down. I cant take it anymore. Why wont anyone even speak to me. They just want me to suffer.",anondescriptUn,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdy2s4/no_kindness_left_in_the_world/,constant feeling judged mocked persecuted glared one others way talked want stop ground right cant take anymore wont anyone even speak want suffer,kindness left world,nondescript un,270,29,nondescript un constant feeling judged mocked persecuted glared one others way talked want stop ground right cant take anymore wont anyone even speak want suffer kindness left world
I consider killing my self most days,I'm 18 my parents constantly tell me there disappointed in me and my life is going no where and I'm a failure every time iv asked them to stop saying this kind of stuff they say they wouldn't say it if it wasn't true and I have absolutely no one to turn to and am at the lowest iv ever been in a while,GrandCoolKid,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdzud7/i_consider_killing_my_self_most_days/,18 parent constantly tell disappointed life going failure every time iv asked stop saying kind stuff say say true absolutely one turn lowest iv ever,consider killing self day,grand cool kid,301,36,grand cool kid 18 parent constantly tell disappointed life going failure every time iv asked stop saying kind stuff say say true absolutely one turn lowest iv ever consider killing self day
Is it kinda weird that the only thing I'm looking forward to is my death?,"I'm supposed to kill myself on my 20th birthday. On some days, the only reason that I even function is the thought of me killing myself in the near future. I really can't wait for it. My whole life is starting to fall apart slowly and slowly. My whole body feels so tired and just wants to rest.",dontclickdat,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8nyk/is_it_kinda_weird_that_the_only_thing_im_looking/,supposed kill 20th birthday day reason even function thought killing near future really wait whole life starting fall apart slowly slowly whole body feel tired want rest,kinda weird thing looking forward death,dont click dat,295,73,dont click dat supposed kill 20th birthday day reason even function thought killing near future really wait whole life starting fall apart slowly slowly whole body feel tired want rest kinda weird thing looking forward death
Death without pain.,I've been depressed and I seem to be getting increasingly depressed each day. I want to die so this can stop but I don't want to die because I know that it hurts and would cause my family pain (specifically my sister because I was the one who was able to talk her out mid-attempt and my father because when he was around my age he lost a close cousin to suicide). I want to know if there's any other ways of solving this because I'm aware of how final suicide is but I know if I try talking to someone about this in real life I will just say things to be considered fine so I don't have to cost my parents money for therapy. I've recently started keeping a journal of my thoughts which has helped a little but I have no clue what else I would be able to do.,ThrowAwayCuzImBad7,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8j3k/death_without_pain/,depressed seem getting increasingly depressed day want die stop want die know hurt would cause family pain specifically sister wa one wa able talk mid attempt father wa around age lost close cousin suicide want know way solving aware final suicide know try talking someone real life say thing considered fine cost parent money therapy recently started keeping journal thought ha helped little clue else would able,death without pain,throwaway cu zim bad 7,757,19,throwaway cu zim bad 7 depressed seem getting increasingly depressed day want die stop want die know hurt would cause family pain specifically sister wa one wa able talk mid attempt father wa around age lost close cousin suicide want know way solving aware final suicide know try talking someone real life say thing considered fine cost parent money therapy recently started keeping journal thought ha helped little clue else would able death without pain
Someone help me please,I can’t do this anymore and I’ve been crying for 3 hours now and I can’t get myself to stop. Everyone in my life hates me and my family doesn’t want me. My grades are down the drain and I hate how I look. I really don’t think it’s worth it anymore.,axrie,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5mpd/someone_help_me_please/,anymore cry 3 hour get stop everyone life hate family want grade drain hate look really think worth anymore,someone help please,x rie,248,22,x rie anymore cry 3 hour get stop everyone life hate family want grade drain hate look really think worth anymore someone help please
I was going to wait until I turned 21 to legally purchase a handgun and shoot myself,"But I guess hooking up with a member of a gang will get me there quicker :)

(I do not want anyone to stop me or offer advice. I'm tired of giving back fake ""thank you, I appreciate your concern"" messages.)",traumathrowawayacc,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8h9a/i_was_going_to_wait_until_i_turned_21_to_legally/,guess hooking member gang get quicker want anyone stop offer advice tired giving back fake thank appreciate concern message,wa going wait turned 21 legally purchase handgun shoot,trauma throwaway acc,206,84,trauma throwaway acc guess hooking member gang get quicker want anyone stop offer advice tired giving back fake thank appreciate concern message wa going wait turned 21 legally purchase handgun shoot
I want to hurt myself,emptypost,ancientfaerielore,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8gsv/i_want_to_hurt_myself/,emptypost,want hurt,ancient faerie lore,9,21,ancient faerie lore emptypost want hurt
Vent.,"I wish I could've done something with myself like become stronger and stop myself becoming a problem. I wish I could've done alot of stuff but now im here contemplating if I should end it all so I have nothing to lose now then later, and I know my family would be sad but they already talk about me behind my back about how much of a pain i am, and there is no way I am going to let them know about how I feel on the inside right now. Im at my breaking point and all I wish for is to be left alone to perish, I know it's selfish but I never asked to be here in the first place.",ahntoery,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5lt2/vent/,wish could done something like become stronger stop becoming problem wish could done alot stuff im contemplating end nothing lose later know family would sad already talk behind back much pain way going let know feel inside right im breaking point wish left alone perish know selfish never asked first place,vent,ahn toe ry,577,5,ahn toe ry wish could done something like become stronger stop becoming problem wish could done alot stuff im contemplating end nothing lose later know family would sad already talk behind back much pain way going let know feel inside right im breaking point wish left alone perish know selfish never asked first place vent
What should I do,I feel like people are controlling every aspect of my life. My anxiety is so severe I can’t leave the house and all I want to do is find a way to end it. Can someone help me find an easy way out?,nothing65325,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8esi/what_should_i_do/,feel like people controlling every aspect life anxiety severe leave house want find way end someone help find easy way,,nothing 65325,195,16,nothing 65325 feel like people controlling every aspect life anxiety severe leave house want find way end someone help find easy way 
"I feel really messed up, I need help please","I’m not feeling great mentally right now, I know I should really just try to hold on for a little longer since I know it’ll get better but I’m just so tired and I just want to rest, you know? I’m finding it harder and harder to convince myself to eat and drink water. All I want to do is sleep. I feel terrible. I need help but I don’t know how to get it... I don’t want to put my parents through this again (I’ve attempted before a few times) and I just don’t know what to do.... high school is so hard right now and I feel like I can barely keep up while my peers seem to be doing so easily... I feel so sick and exhausted....",slug-biologist,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5hru/i_feel_really_messed_up_i_need_help_please/,feeling great mentally right know really try hold little longer since know get better tired want rest know finding harder harder convince eat drink water want sleep feel terrible need help know get want put parent attempted time know high school hard right feel like barely keep peer seem easily feel sick exhausted,feel really messed need help please,slug biologist,628,43,slug biologist feeling great mentally right know really try hold little longer since know get better tired want rest know finding harder harder convince eat drink water want sleep feel terrible need help know get want put parent attempted time know high school hard right feel like barely keep peer seem easily feel sick exhausted feel really messed need help please
I guess these are suicidal thoughts,I don’t want to go through with any actions but I really badly just wanna... go away. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I’m so tired but there’s things in the future I’m holding on for.... but I just need someone.,thatboiii2468,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe8ass/i_guess_these_are_suicidal_thoughts/,want go action really badly wanna go away wanna anymore tired thing future holding need someone,guess suicidal thought,bo iii 2468,210,35,bo iii 2468 want go action really badly wanna go away wanna anymore tired thing future holding need someone guess suicidal thought
How much Benadryl will it take,Diphenhydramine. 25mg pills,glareinmyeyes,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe86q8/how_much_benadryl_will_it_take/,diphenhydramine 25mg pill,much benadryl take,glare eye,27,30,glare eye diphenhydramine 25mg pill much benadryl take
My dad is offering us ice cream now,"Every night it’s “you guys want ice cream?” After dinner. Everyone turned him down so he just got an ice cream sandwich for himself. Tonight he stared at me and made sucking noises while eating his ice cream sandwich. I got up and left the room and watched the game alone. 

I’m tired of my dad being a pervert and my mom being oblivious or pretending not to notice. Their marriage is over anyway so she doesn’t give a shit. I’ve talked to her about it and she just acted clueless and said she’d keep an eye out and then never spoke of it again. 

I just have to move out and be alone.",kayoreddit,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7xs5/my_dad_is_offering_us_ice_cream_now/,every night guy want ice cream dinner everyone turned got ice cream sandwich tonight stared made sucking noise eating ice cream sandwich got left room watched game alone tired dad pervert mom oblivious pretending notice marriage anyway give shit talked acted clueless said keep eye never spoke move alone,dad offering u ice cream,kay reddit,585,35,kay reddit every night guy want ice cream dinner everyone turned got ice cream sandwich tonight stared made sucking noise eating ice cream sandwich got left room watched game alone tired dad pervert mom oblivious pretending notice marriage anyway give shit talked acted clueless said keep eye never spoke move alone dad offering u ice cream
Help.,I put my shotgun to my chin and pulled the trigger (not bullet in the chamber) and it felt good,Nihilismo_,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7xah/help/,put shotgun chin pulled trigger bullet chamber felt good,help,nihilism,95,5,nihilism put shotgun chin pulled trigger bullet chamber felt good help
I might kill myself tonight. :),"Idk. Potential last words. Just wanted to say something. Probably gonna chicken out at the last second but I dunno maybe this time I'll actually do something right. 

Fuck this earth lmao. Fuck god if he's out there too. Fucking traitor.",cockersPAINel,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe30yr/i_might_kill_myself_tonight/,idk potential last word wanted say something probably gonna chicken last second dunno maybe time actually something right fuck earth lmao fuck god fucking traitor,might kill tonight,cocker spain el,237,31,cocker spain el idk potential last word wanted say something probably gonna chicken last second dunno maybe time actually something right fuck earth lmao fuck god fucking traitor might kill tonight
voices are back,i don’t know how to make them go away,yathatscooliguess,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7qy2/voices_are_back/,know make go away,voice back,ya cool guess,37,15,ya cool guess know make go away voice back
Suicidal thoughts sneak up on me,Im feeling so good and wouldn’t even think about suicide and then hours go by and I don’t remember what really happens but I feel like i can’t take it anymore.  I don’t really know how I got from point a to b but i did and i feel so awful and suicide becomes a realistic feeling and temptation.,takeover88,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7qc1/suicidal_thoughts_sneak_up_on_me/,im feeling good even think suicide hour go remember really happens feel like take anymore really know got point b feel awful suicide becomes realistic feeling temptation,suicidal thought sneak,takeover 88,294,32,takeover 88 im feeling good even think suicide hour go remember really happens feel like take anymore really know got point b feel awful suicide becomes realistic feeling temptation suicidal thought sneak
Fun fun fun,"I made a throwaway because I'm starting to suspect people I know have seen my previous posts. 

I feel empty; the sort of empty where I feel as if I'm an intruder of my own body and mind. For a good 3 years, I stopped living. I'm merely existing by now. I know by this point that I likely won't live to have children. I've destroyed my system enough with mixtures of starvation and purging to probably have children at this point. I think I'll likely die by my own hands. The only things that actively stops me is maybe the fact I don't want paramedics or my family finding my body. It sounds sick and conceeded but I sometimes think I'm too fat to be found. (Haha ironic) 

I made a deal with myself that I would reach a certain weight and then slowly kill myself via starvation or exhaustion. I know how painful that could be but I deserve it. I'm a poor excuse for a human being. I've tried speaking with family and friends. I don't want anyones sympathy even though I'm venting about this.",cofkaedelweiss,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7pqa/fun_fun_fun/,made throwaway starting suspect people know seen previous post feel empty sort empty feel intruder body mind good 3 year stopped living merely existing know point likely live child destroyed system enough mixture starvation purging probably child point think likely die hand thing actively stop maybe fact want paramedic family finding body sound sick conceeded sometimes think fat found haha ironic made deal would reach certain weight slowly kill via starvation exhaustion know painful could deserve poor excuse human tried speaking family friend want anyones sympathy even though venting,fun fun fun,c ka edelweiss,993,11,c ka edelweiss made throwaway starting suspect people know seen previous post feel empty sort empty feel intruder body mind good 3 year stopped living merely existing know point likely live child destroyed system enough mixture starvation purging probably child point think likely die hand thing actively stop maybe fact want paramedic family finding body sound sick conceeded sometimes think fat found haha ironic made deal would reach certain weight slowly kill via starvation exhaustion know painful could deserve poor excuse human tried speaking family friend want anyones sympathy even though venting fun fun fun
It's such bullshit,"So I went to a stupid therapist last week because of the self harm and suicide thing with my school. I dont really want help but I was at least hoping for some help with my mental health. That didnt happen, instead I'm going to get tested for autism (asperger's). I dont think that having autism is bad but that's not really what i wanted, I wanted to sort out my mental health and all she did was take down all the things that could mean I'm autistic. I just hate it, I dont get why I was referred to a therapist that specializes in autism. That's not what I need. Sorry if this is offensive. Sorry",itshighnnoon,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4nmr/its_such_bullshit/,went stupid therapist last week self harm suicide thing school dont really want help wa least hoping help mental health didnt happen instead going get tested autism asperger dont think autism bad really wanted wanted sort mental health wa take thing could mean autistic hate dont get wa referred therapist specializes autism need sorry offensive sorry,bullshit,high n noon,599,18,high n noon went stupid therapist last week self harm suicide thing school dont really want help wa least hoping help mental health didnt happen instead going get tested autism asperger dont think autism bad really wanted wanted sort mental health wa take thing could mean autistic hate dont get wa referred therapist specializes autism need sorry offensive sorry bullshit
I'm probably going to kill myeslf tomorrow,I am scared because I want to make sure it works. what is the best way,brownted123,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4nkm/im_probably_going_to_kill_myeslf_tomorrow/,scared want make sure work best way,probably going kill myeslf tomorrow,brown ted 123,70,42,brown ted 123 scared want make sure work best way probably going kill myeslf tomorrow
I’ve finally found a reason,"My grades have plummeted, I’ve antagonized my friends, I’ve cut ties with my crush, I’ve hurt my mother to the point where she won’t talk to me, and I’ve disappointed myself. There is no other reason holding me back from the other side. I’m sorry to everyone who tried to help in the end. You were only delaying the inevitable. See you next time around!",ongesucc,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4neo/ive_finally_found_a_reason/,grade plummeted antagonized friend cut tie crush hurt mother point talk disappointed reason holding back side sorry everyone tried help end delaying inevitable see next time around,finally found reason,ge succ,353,27,ge succ grade plummeted antagonized friend cut tie crush hurt mother point talk disappointed reason holding back side sorry everyone tried help end delaying inevitable see next time around finally found reason
[TW] I am 16 and have attempted suicide 4 times; bullying about my appearance is making me consider it again,"I generally steer clear of making posts of this nature since I don't like discussing my personal life on social media. That said, this is something that I feel I must be open about in order to come to terms with it. To contextualise, I'm a 16 year old girl and I'm originally from Eastern Europe, but I now live in the UK. This may be a very long read and I'll be sure to TL;DR.

I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 4. I'm not 'low functioning' (for lack of a better term; feel free to suggest one) per se, but to other people, it's pretty obvious that I am developmentally disabled. I have poor fine motor skills, struggle to articulate my thoughts and am extremely susceptible to meltdowns when not on birth control (I'll explain this later).

For most of my early childhood this was largely not a huge issue in my life. I received good support and people were usually empathetic towards my struggles. However, things started to go slowly and then eventually very dramatically downhill once I got my period age 10.

My parents noticed that I had menstrual cycles that were on average around 21 days in length. Initially, they weren't too worried and assumed they would eventually become more regular as time went on. They didn't. They became shorter, and when I last calculated them, my cycles lasted 18 days on average. This messed up my hormones and I became extremely depressed. This depression peaked around my period. I don't mean that I got typical premenstrual symptoms; in the days leading up to my period, I would self harm, have suicidal thoughts, experience very violent and dramatic mood swings, become extremely sensitive to sound and texture and lose interest in my hobbies and friends. I suggested possibly having PMDD but this idea was dismissed by my parents and doctors.

I first attempted suicide when I was either 13 or 14 (but definitely no older). I didn't inform my parents of this, but only because I didn't want to upset them or make them feel like they had failed me as parents, because they definitely didn't. I then attempted once more aged 15.

During this time period I was prescribed the combined oral contraceptive pill. Theoretically, I am supposed to 'tricycle' them, or in other words, take three months' worth of packs and then take a break. I did this until the second most recent attempt in October of last year. This was the first one that I told anybody about and you may not be shocked to hear that it happened whilst I was on a 'period break'. I went to A&E the next day, where I waited for seven hours before being seen by a therapist for twenty minutes who told me that I seemed to have things 'under control' and took no action except refer me to another therapist, who I had one appointment with where I heard the same thing. It was my mother's birthday that day and I have not forgiven myself for making her spend it in A&E. She stayed mostly collected throughout it all but I could tell she felt very upset and shaken. Since this, I have stopped taking breaks and now do not have periods at all. This is massively helpful but my situation is still not great.

It's partly for that reason that I didn't inform her of my most recent attempt in December. It was also because I was due to fly to Canada the day after the attempt and couldn't bring myself to jeopardise the trip. I considered calling a suicide hotline once I was in Montreal but ended up not doing it, mainly because when I looked up numbers to call, I couldn't find one in Quebec that offered English counselling, but also because my mother discouraged it because of what we would be charged (please remember, she didn't know that I had attempted suicide).

I'm in Year 11, which in the UK is the final year of high school. I'm currently caught up in revising for my GCSEs, which I'm doing OK with from an academic perspective, but struggling to cope with mentally. I'm also being bullied; less than in previous years but still in a way that fucks me up even though I pretend it doesn't. I used to be targeted for my personality and mannerisms, which I've given up being upset about since I've accepted that I don't carry myself typically. Recently, though, they've shifted to targeting my appearance.

This may make me sound shallow, but as a 16 year old girl, having my appearance mocked and scorned is completely crushing. A few months ago it was never something I gave much thought and I never felt insecure about my appearance outside of typical concerns teenage girls have. People call me 'ugly' and laugh at me to my face. I've never been in a relationship of any kind and, at the risk of sounding like an incel, this does not give me hope for the future and makes me question if I am physically attractive to anybody. It makes me feel arrogant for having ever thought that there was nothing wrong with the way I look. And I'm starting to spiral emotionally because of it. 15 year old me would have laughed at the idea of me being so insecure about my physical appearance, but for me, it was one of the few things I had genuine confidence and pride in and now it is being taken from me.

I feel very shallow and fragile for feeling this way. I'm 16 and have four attempts to my name and it's embarrassing. I hate that I'll never really be able to disassociate myself from that because this isn't what I want to look back on in 10 or 20 years time.

TL;DR I'm a 16 year old autistic girl who has attempted suicide 4 times and is now reconsidering due to bullying concerning my physical appearance.",AminataV,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe2odz/tw_i_am_16_and_have_attempted_suicide_4_times/,generally steer clear making post nature since like discussing personal life social medium said something feel must open order come term contextualise 16 year old girl originally eastern europe live uk may long read sure tl dr wa diagnosed autism age 4 low functioning lack better term feel free suggest one per se people pretty obvious developmentally disabled poor fine motor skill struggle articulate thought extremely susceptible meltdown birth control explain later early childhood wa largely huge issue life received good support people usually empathetic towards struggle however thing started go slowly eventually dramatically downhill got period age 10 parent noticed menstrual cycle average around 21 day length initially worried assumed would eventually become regular time went became shorter last calculated cycle lasted 18 day average messed hormone became extremely depressed depression peaked around period mean got typical premenstrual symptom day leading period would self harm suicidal thought experience violent dramatic mood swing become extremely sensitive sound texture lose interest hobby friend suggested possibly pmdd idea wa dismissed parent doctor first attempted suicide wa either 13 14 definitely older inform parent want upset make feel like failed parent definitely attempted aged 15 time period wa prescribed combined oral contraceptive pill theoretically supposed tricycle word take three month worth pack take break second recent attempt october last year wa first one told anybody may shocked hear happened whilst wa period break went amp e next day waited seven hour seen therapist twenty minute told seemed thing control took action except refer another therapist one appointment heard thing wa mother birthday day forgiven making spend amp e stayed mostly collected throughout could tell felt upset shaken since stopped taking break period massively helpful situation still great partly reason inform recent attempt december wa also wa due fly canada day attempt bring jeopardise trip considered calling suicide hotline wa montreal ended mainly looked number call find one quebec offered english counselling also mother discouraged would charged please remember know attempted suicide year 11 uk final year high school currently caught revising gcse ok academic perspective struggling cope mentally also bullied le previous year still way fuck even though pretend used targeted personality mannerism given upset since accepted carry typically recently though shifted targeting appearance may make sound shallow 16 year old girl appearance mocked scorned completely crushing month ago wa never something gave much thought never felt insecure appearance outside typical concern teenage girl people call ugly laugh face never relationship kind risk sounding like incel doe give hope future make question physically attractive anybody make feel arrogant ever thought wa nothing wrong way look starting spiral emotionally 15 year old would laughed idea insecure physical appearance wa one thing genuine confidence pride taken feel shallow fragile feeling way 16 four attempt name embarrassing hate never really able disassociate want look back 10 20 year time tl dr 16 year old autistic girl ha attempted suicide 4 time reconsidering due bullying concerning physical appearance,tw 16 attempted suicide 4 time bullying appearance making consider,amin av,5530,108,amin av generally steer clear making post nature since like discussing personal life social medium said something feel must open order come term contextualise 16 year old girl originally eastern europe live uk may long read sure tl dr wa diagnosed autism age 4 low functioning lack better term feel free suggest one per se people pretty obvious developmentally disabled poor fine motor skill struggle articulate thought extremely susceptible meltdown birth control explain later early childhood wa largely huge issue life received good support people usually empathetic towards struggle however thing started go slowly eventually dramatically downhill got period age 10 parent noticed menstrual cycle average around 21 day length initially worried assumed would eventually become regular time went became shorter last calculated cycle lasted 18 day average messed hormone became extremely depressed depression peaked around period mean got typical premenstrual symptom day leading period would self harm suicidal thought experience violent dramatic mood swing become extremely sensitive sound texture lose interest hobby friend suggested possibly pmdd idea wa dismissed parent doctor first attempted suicide wa either 13 14 definitely older inform parent want upset make feel like failed parent definitely attempted aged 15 time period wa prescribed combined oral contraceptive pill theoretically supposed tricycle word take three month worth pack take break second recent attempt october last year wa first one told anybody may shocked hear happened whilst wa period break went amp e next day waited seven hour seen therapist twenty minute told seemed thing control took action except refer another therapist one appointment heard thing wa mother birthday day forgiven making spend amp e stayed mostly collected throughout could tell felt upset shaken since stopped taking break period massively helpful situation still great partly reason inform recent attempt december wa also wa due fly canada day attempt bring jeopardise trip considered calling suicide hotline wa montreal ended mainly looked number call find one quebec offered english counselling also mother discouraged would charged please remember know attempted suicide year 11 uk final year high school currently caught revising gcse ok academic perspective struggling cope mentally also bullied le previous year still way fuck even though pretend used targeted personality mannerism given upset since accepted carry typically recently though shifted targeting appearance may make sound shallow 16 year old girl appearance mocked scorned completely crushing month ago wa never something gave much thought never felt insecure appearance outside typical concern teenage girl people call ugly laugh face never relationship kind risk sounding like incel doe give hope future make question physically attractive anybody make feel arrogant ever thought wa nothing wrong way look starting spiral emotionally 15 year old would laughed idea insecure physical appearance wa one thing genuine confidence pride taken feel shallow fragile feeling way 16 four attempt name embarrassing hate never really able disassociate want look back 10 20 year time tl dr 16 year old autistic girl ha attempted suicide 4 time reconsidering due bullying concerning physical appearance tw 16 attempted suicide 4 time bullying appearance making consider
The only reason that I'm alive is because I cant handle pain well,"To make a long story short I'm too much of a pussy bitch to be able to handle pain well enough to try anything, best I can do is punch myself in the face when I feel really bad which does nothing but make me feel worse.",FatAlbertGames,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4k91/the_only_reason_that_im_alive_is_because_i_cant/,make long story short much pussy bitch able handle pain well enough try anything best punch face feel really bad doe nothing make feel worse,reason alive cant handle pain well,fat albert game,219,65,fat albert game make long story short much pussy bitch able handle pain well enough try anything best punch face feel really bad doe nothing make feel worse reason alive cant handle pain well
Someone please please please help me I’m currently balling my eyes out while typing this I’m,"On the edge of suicide I can’t deal with the pain anymore no one fucking likes me and I’m always nice to them Everythint feels so dry I’m fucking crying 

I’m sorry",hameiscool,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdu5he/someone_please_please_please_help_me_im_currently/,edge suicide deal pain anymore one fucking like always nice everythint feel dry fucking cry sorry,someone please please please help currently balling eye typing,ham e cool,164,92,ham e cool edge suicide deal pain anymore one fucking like always nice everythint feel dry fucking cry sorry someone please please please help currently balling eye typing
How easy is it to die by drugs?,"Just curious, I'm not talking about over the counter ones..",throwawaygoaway30,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe7h3x/how_easy_is_it_to_die_by_drugs/,curious talking counter one,easy die drug,throwaway go away 30,59,31,throwaway go away 30 curious talking counter one easy die drug
I've started to hurt myself.,"I can't do this anymore. I miss my girlfriend, I hate my job, I don't want to move out of my home, I'm letting others down at my volunteer work. Time is not helping and I'm only getting worse. After awhile I started to get drunk frequently. Now I've been slowly starting to mix Tylenol with alcohol. I frequently feel pain in my abdomen for good reason. Sad part is I seem to like being in this pain. Almost comforting.

I won't last much longer if things keep going the way they do. It will only be a matter of time before I go to far with the pain and do some serious damage.

I'm sorry Emily...I broke your promise and I failed you again...",SolidGru50,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe78bm/ive_started_to_hurt_myself/,anymore miss girlfriend hate job want move home letting others volunteer work time helping getting worse awhile started get drunk frequently slowly starting mix tylenol alcohol frequently feel pain abdomen good reason sad part seem like pain almost comforting last much longer thing keep going way matter time go far pain serious damage sorry emily broke promise failed,started hurt,solid gru 50,643,28,solid gru 50 anymore miss girlfriend hate job want move home letting others volunteer work time helping getting worse awhile started get drunk frequently slowly starting mix tylenol alcohol frequently feel pain abdomen good reason sad part seem like pain almost comforting last much longer thing keep going way matter time go far pain serious damage sorry emily broke promise failed started hurt
"I need help. I dont want to talk about it to any suicide hotline, to anyone i know.","Oh no, its a relationship one i know...
Seems so cliché.
but what happens right now just made me take a kitchen knife and go to the bedroom alone. 
i know she wont check until morning. 
if i don’t make a sound she won’t notice. 
I wish it was easier. Cutting yourself is one of the least reliable methods. The other ones are too much effort.",Arctic_Freezer,14,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe2807/i_need_help_i_dont_want_to_talk_about_it_to_any/,oh relationship one know seems cliché happens right made take kitchen knife go bedroom alone know wont check morning make sound notice wish wa easier cutting one least reliable method one much effort,need help dont want talk suicide hotline anyone know,arctic freezer,341,83,arctic freezer oh relationship one know seems cliché happens right made take kitchen knife go bedroom alone know wont check morning make sound notice wish wa easier cutting one least reliable method one much effort need help dont want talk suicide hotline anyone know
Why isnt my posting showing here,What is this fucked up sub,NussNougatCroissant,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe77rz/why_isnt_my_posting_showing_here/,fucked sub,isnt posting showing,nu nougat croissant,26,32,nu nougat croissant fucked sub isnt posting showing
Circling the drain,"Debt is high.  Work sucks.  I feel alone in the world.  I have thought about suicide almost every day of my life for thirty years.  But I never can find the courage to actually do it.  

And here I am circling the drain again.  I just feel like all of the stress and all of the unhappiness and depression will be gone if I just .... cease.  

I spent this afternoon researching methods.  I even did a performative thing with a belt around my neck.  Turns tour it slips out of the doorjamb.  

I know how to tie a noose and a couple kinds of slipknot.  But there is no good place for me here to tie off the other end of the rope.  

I don't know what I want.  Do I want someone to stop me?  Do I want someone to give me the psychological push I need to kill myself?  

I don't know.  

I am so unhappy.  

I don't want to deal with any of this anymore.  

I don't know if",ThroawayQuietly,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe46gl/circling_the_drain/,debt high work suck feel alone world thought suicide almost every day life thirty year never find courage actually circling drain feel like stress unhappiness depression gone cease spent afternoon researching method even performative thing belt around neck turn tour slip doorjamb know tie noose couple kind slipknot good place tie end rope know want want someone stop want someone give psychological push need kill know unhappy want deal anymore know,circling drain,thro away quietly,870,18,thro away quietly debt high work suck feel alone world thought suicide almost every day life thirty year never find courage actually circling drain feel like stress unhappiness depression gone cease spent afternoon researching method even performative thing belt around neck turn tour slip doorjamb know tie noose couple kind slipknot good place tie end rope know want want someone stop want someone give psychological push need kill know unhappy want deal anymore know circling drain
"I want to die but I can't leave my sisters and my family,friends,my crush behind",I want to be dead peacefully by hanging myself or shooting myself,Jackbright682,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe72gv/i_want_to_die_but_i_cant_leave_my_sisters_and_my/,want dead peacefully hanging shooting,want die leave sister family friend crush behind,jack bright 682,65,80,jack bright 682 want dead peacefully hanging shooting want die leave sister family friend crush behind
March 20th is gonna be the day,"I’m either gonna kill myself then or cut my wrists bad enough I have to be admitted. I’m a failure at school, I’m a failure at my job, I’m a failure at keeping a relationship, I’m a failure at making friends and I’m a failure at being my own fucking gender. Everyone hates me and they’ve began to stop hiding it. I know it’d relieve everyone if I just died. Only question is, how should I do it? Cutting myself hasn’t worked the other times, so I’ll probably poison myself with carbon monoxide or overdose. I wish I had a reason to stay and I wish I didn’t have to, but life never gets better and I have to at this point.",Saikujo,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe3zfy/march_20th_is_gonna_be_the_day/,either gonna kill cut wrist bad enough admitted failure school failure job failure keeping relationship failure making friend failure fucking gender everyone hate began stop hiding know relieve everyone died question cutting worked time probably poison carbon monoxide overdose wish reason stay wish life never get better point,march 20th gonna day,sai kuj,621,30,sai kuj either gonna kill cut wrist bad enough admitted failure school failure job failure keeping relationship failure making friend failure fucking gender everyone hate began stop hiding know relieve everyone died question cutting worked time probably poison carbon monoxide overdose wish reason stay wish life never get better point march 20th gonna day
i’m in a bad spot between better and worse,"this is just gonna be a vent because imn ot doihg 100% rn. i have a good life that i’m incredibly incredibly lucky to have. evem my issues with depression are controlled to an extent. i have a good social life and a lot of friends but no connection. i need to feel like i can deserve to be loved i think because i don’t feel like that. i know my entire group would be fucking broken but they don’t give me quite enogh connection to actually help me through it. they don’t really know i’m struggling bad. i want to kill myself a littl bit rn. i have everything right now and i want to kill myself. just to have nothing. i’m not mad i think it’s the in between moments or the bad feeligs from tonight or the fatigue but i want to attempt. again
i know i need to talk to someone f i’m getting into the actual considering.
i can’t tonight even if i wanted to.
i don’t think i’m really considering it honestly because i don’t have a reason to. it’s like people “need” me but only because the absence of me would be felt, not because i actually add anything to their lives.
if i could get myself alone i could but i’m fortunate enough that that wouldn’t really work for me.
so i’m stuck.",bitchtitsanalcunt,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6xzz/im_in_a_bad_spot_between_better_and_worse/,gonna vent imn ot doihg 100 rn good life incredibly incredibly lucky evem issue depression controlled extent good social life lot friend connection need feel like deserve loved think feel like know entire group would fucking broken give quite enogh connection actually help really know struggling bad want kill littl bit rn everything right want kill nothing mad think moment bad feeligs tonight fatigue want attempt know need talk someone f getting actual considering tonight even wanted think really considering honestly reason like people need absence would felt actually add anything life could get alone could fortunate enough really work stuck,bad spot better worse,bitch tit anal cunt,1181,42,bitch tit anal cunt gonna vent imn ot doihg 100 rn good life incredibly incredibly lucky evem issue depression controlled extent good social life lot friend connection need feel like deserve loved think feel like know entire group would fucking broken give quite enogh connection actually help really know struggling bad want kill littl bit rn everything right want kill nothing mad think moment bad feeligs tonight fatigue want attempt know need talk someone f getting actual considering tonight even wanted think really considering honestly reason like people need absence would felt actually add anything life could get alone could fortunate enough really work stuck bad spot better worse
Possibility of reincarnation putting me off but making me feel even more trapped...?,"I think about suicide most days. When I visit my 92yr old grandmother in her care home I wish I could be there, waiting to die - how peaceful it must be to know you will be released from all this suffering very soon? 

I consider myself a spiritual person and have been heavily into yoga, meditation and psychedelics and learnt about Buddhist philosophy which is what has formed my beliefs about death. Most people find this a healing path but for me the transcendental experiences I have had have felt like such a homecoming that I haven’t wanted to return to reality. I have never felt at home in myself and often feel like I desperately want to “get out of my body” in which I feel trapped. I have always felt I was born into the wrong body/life. I’ve also believed from a young age that I will die from suicide or a reckless accident. I unsuccessfully attempted age 25 and have had some other near misses. 

The thing I am struggling with is I believe that if I kill myself my soul will return back to the source but I am worried it will be turned around and put right back into another life of equal amount of suffering to mine as my soul won’t have evolved at all. I don’t think I can escape it unless I evolve by overcoming my struggles. I’ve had an eating disorder for 17yrs, as well as BPD and Bipolar. I guess this is the cycle of Samsara and the continual dukkha/suffering which is part of the human condition. 

When I think about this it makes me feel trapped and is going some way to put me off the idea of suicide, but at the same time I feel like I’ve exhausted my energy to try and overcome it all in this life - I’m exhausted in my battle against this ED, it feels completely hopeless.  Perhaps if reincarnation does happen at least I could try overcoming some other set of struggles? 
Hoping reincarnation is not a thing and our souls return to the source and don’t have to come back here again for more of this bullshit!",clairebear780,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1uwn/possibility_of_reincarnation_putting_me_off_but/,think suicide day visit 92yr old grandmother care home wish could waiting die peaceful must know released suffering soon consider spiritual person heavily yoga meditation psychedelics learnt buddhist philosophy ha formed belief death people find healing path transcendental experience felt like homecoming wanted return reality never felt home often feel like desperately want get body feel trapped always felt wa born wrong body life also believed young age die suicide reckless accident unsuccessfully attempted age 25 near miss thing struggling believe kill soul return back source worried turned around put right back another life equal amount suffering mine soul evolved think escape unless evolve overcoming struggle eating disorder 17yrs well bpd bipolar guess cycle samsara continual dukkha suffering part human condition think make feel trapped going way put idea suicide time feel like exhausted energy try overcome life exhausted battle ed feel completely hopeless perhaps reincarnation doe happen least could try overcoming set struggle hoping reincarnation thing soul return source come back bullshit,possibility reincarnation putting making feel even trapped,claire bear 780,1940,84,claire bear 780 think suicide day visit 92yr old grandmother care home wish could waiting die peaceful must know released suffering soon consider spiritual person heavily yoga meditation psychedelics learnt buddhist philosophy ha formed belief death people find healing path transcendental experience felt like homecoming wanted return reality never felt home often feel like desperately want get body feel trapped always felt wa born wrong body life also believed young age die suicide reckless accident unsuccessfully attempted age 25 near miss thing struggling believe kill soul return back source worried turned around put right back another life equal amount suffering mine soul evolved think escape unless evolve overcoming struggle eating disorder 17yrs well bpd bipolar guess cycle samsara continual dukkha suffering part human condition think make feel trapped going way put idea suicide time feel like exhausted energy try overcome life exhausted battle ed feel completely hopeless perhaps reincarnation doe happen least could try overcoming set struggle hoping reincarnation thing soul return source come back bullshit possibility reincarnation putting making feel even trapped
I want to join my dad soon,"My dad committed suicide when I was 12. I played a role in his suicide. My narcissistic mother told me many lies about him and convinced me to hate him. When I became alienated from him, he committed suicide.
I’m now 23 and I see no reason to continue living. I hope to join him soon. If there is such thing as an afterlife, I want to tell him I love him.",TheHours327,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6wah/i_want_to_join_my_dad_soon/,dad committed suicide wa 12 played role suicide narcissistic mother told many lie convinced hate became alienated committed suicide 23 see reason continue living hope join soon thing afterlife want tell love,want join dad soon,hour 327,355,26,hour 327 dad committed suicide wa 12 played role suicide narcissistic mother told many lie convinced hate became alienated committed suicide 23 see reason continue living hope join soon thing afterlife want tell love want join dad soon
Want to die because I can't meaningfully care about anyone,"I don't have a heart, I never ever get that feeling when you like/care about someone. I don't care about my family, friends, acquaintances, people, no one. What joy is there to live if you cant feel?",throwawaygoaway30,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6wa2/want_to_die_because_i_cant_meaningfully_care/,heart never ever get feeling like care someone care family friend acquaintance people one joy live cant feel,want die meaningfully care anyone,throwaway go away 30,199,58,throwaway go away 30 heart never ever get feeling like care someone care family friend acquaintance people one joy live cant feel want die meaningfully care anyone
How?,"I just want to be happy. I haven’t been happy for the last four years. The last time I felt that sensation in my brain was my freshman year of college. I was talking to a girl and I could feel the dopamine in my head. That was the last time I felt happy. I’ve been chasing that feeling ever since. The friends have helped make me feel whole. When I’m alone I don’t know what do. I repressed these feelings for a long time. I started watching Bojack Horseman and the feelings came back. Am I a whole person? Am I took messed up too feel love again? I ask myself this every day. When I’m drunk I am able to let these feelings out. I don’t want to be dependent on alcohol to feel this way. I want to talk about my feelings, but I don’t want to be less of a man. Jessica has made me decently happy, but I still don’t feel this way. I don’t want to be dependant on her either. When I beat off I only can finish when I think about personal emotions. I can't even cry anymore. What does that mean? Am I better? I don’t have decency on alcohol. I have stopped for a while and I still feel this way. I don’t know if it is because I’m lonely or because of how messed up I am. When your mother tells you that you should have been a miscarriage you reevaluate life. At the age of thirteen. Is that really an age when you should be questioning your existence? I don’t want pity, I just want to feel normal. When I look at myself I question my life. I have accepted death, but I have also noticed the finite life you have. Once you live, you die. That is scary to me. I just want to cry, but even while writing this I can’t. There are people worse than me, but the way I think about it is, have wasted my life? College is full of life. I haven’t lived one. I wish I was dumb and could fade into the crowd, but I can’t. All I think about is my deathbed and how it won’t be anything. I die and that is it. I’m gone. In high school, I had the same thoughts, but my stepmom said that I’m young and I don’t understand. I find myself having the same thoughts. Maybe nonexistence is fine. I just want to lay in bed and drift away with my mind until I do die. I’m afraid of the loss of thought. Once you're gone your gone. Nothingness. I’m scared. I just want that feeling one more time, but how does happiness happen? Relationship, family, or accomplishment? The future scares me and I don’t want to sit here on shitty earth and have these feelings at fifty. How do people become happy? I’ve lost the feeling and don’t know how to get it back. Once we die that is it. Am I going to die and feel nothing? Is a relationship enough? Or am I broken? I almost want to pass away not think. What does it all mean? Are we just bacteria that evolved enough to think? I want answers, but nobody will tell me.",Dewyman,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6via/how/,want happy happy last four year last time felt sensation brain wa freshman year college wa talking girl could feel dopamine head wa last time felt happy chasing feeling ever since friend helped make feel whole alone know repressed feeling long time started watching bojack horseman feeling came back whole person took messed feel love ask every day drunk able let feeling want dependent alcohol feel way want talk feeling want le man jessica ha made decently happy still feel way want dependant either beat finish think personal emotion even cry anymore doe mean better decency alcohol stopped still feel way know lonely messed mother tell miscarriage reevaluate life age thirteen really age questioning existence want pity want feel normal look question life accepted death also noticed finite life live die scary want cry even writing people worse way think wasted life college full life lived one wish wa dumb could fade crowd think deathbed anything die gone high school thought stepmom said young understand find thought maybe nonexistence fine want lay bed drift away mind die afraid loss thought gone gone nothingness scared want feeling one time doe happiness happen relationship family accomplishment future scare want sit shitty earth feeling fifty people become happy lost feeling know get back die going die feel nothing relationship enough broken almost want pas away think doe mean bacteria evolved enough think want answer nobody tell,,de wyman,2777,4,de wyman want happy happy last four year last time felt sensation brain wa freshman year college wa talking girl could feel dopamine head wa last time felt happy chasing feeling ever since friend helped make feel whole alone know repressed feeling long time started watching bojack horseman feeling came back whole person took messed feel love ask every day drunk able let feeling want dependent alcohol feel way want talk feeling want le man jessica ha made decently happy still feel way want dependant either beat finish think personal emotion even cry anymore doe mean better decency alcohol stopped still feel way know lonely messed mother tell miscarriage reevaluate life age thirteen really age questioning existence want pity want feel normal look question life accepted death also noticed finite life live die scary want cry even writing people worse way think wasted life college full life lived one wish wa dumb could fade crowd think deathbed anything die gone high school thought stepmom said young understand find thought maybe nonexistence fine want lay bed drift away mind die afraid loss thought gone gone nothingness scared want feeling one time doe happiness happen relationship family accomplishment future scare want sit shitty earth feeling fifty people become happy lost feeling know get back die going die feel nothing relationship enough broken almost want pas away think doe mean bacteria evolved enough think want answer nobody tell 
I want to sleep forever and never want to wakeup again.....,emptypost,Jazzterk1123,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdy7qd/i_want_to_sleep_forever_and_never_want_to_wakeup/,emptypost,want sleep forever never want wakeup,jazz ter k 1123,9,59,jazz ter k 1123 emptypost want sleep forever never want wakeup
I have nothing to live for,"I've suffered from depression my whole life, and I've just had enough. I have no friends, I have some family but they are very selfish. I have my mum and know she cares but I just feel like I'm a burdon to her and I know for a fact she'd be happier without my bullshit. I've got no one to talk to and honestly I've just had enough. I got into a bit of a car accident today and burst my tyre and I just don't have the energy to sort it. I just don't have the energy to keep on fighting. I've been talking to a few people online and that's helped but none of them are around to talk at the moment. I was talking to someone I really liked and they've decided to stop talking to me. I'm not sure why and I just have no one. I want to end... I want to end it now but I'm to much of a fucking pussy. I haven't been this close to ending it in a while though... I don't know what to expect from this, it just helps me clear my head I guess. I'm not really sure...",kthrow69,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1qre/i_have_nothing_to_live_for/,suffered depression whole life enough friend family selfish mum know care feel like burdon know fact happier without bullshit got one talk honestly enough got bit car accident today burst tyre energy sort energy keep fighting talking people online helped none around talk moment wa talking someone really liked decided stop talking sure one want end want end much fucking pussy close ending though know expect help clear head guess really sure,nothing live,k throw 69,955,26,k throw 69 suffered depression whole life enough friend family selfish mum know care feel like burdon know fact happier without bullshit got one talk honestly enough got bit car accident today burst tyre energy sort energy keep fighting talking people online helped none around talk moment wa talking someone really liked decided stop talking sure one want end want end much fucking pussy close ending though know expect help clear head guess really sure nothing live
My little sister is suic*dal,"Ever since my little sister was in the 3rd grade, she's been extremely unhappy and alone. She had strange rituals where she would obsess over locking the doors (pointing to the OCD she has today) and was the unspoken black sheep of the family. My older sister and I already were aware of her depression, and took her to a counselor (who didn't do much for her). We saw her cutting herself, but were too afraid to approach my parents as they are African. It wasn't until last year, my little sister of eight years old walked into the bedroom and saw my sister h\*nging herself on the back of the door. Luckily we got her in time, and she was admitted in the hospital. After a week or so, she came back beaming and happy. She has a therapist who she ""adores"", and is on medication. Everything was going smooth until she relapsed into her ways, and I caught her in another attempt. She's attempted. around 20 times now. My mom has had to quit her job to watch her. My sister claims she is doing fine, but just the other day I checked her phone and she was searching suicide methods. I have many after-school activities and no one can watch her around the clock. Someone please help me, I'm beyond the point of stressed and I have no determination. My grades have decreased this year because I spend so much time looking after her, yet, she ignores me and complains how people bother her. I'm scared to go to sleep, because sometimes she roams around looking for ways to hurt herself again. How am I supposed to help a teen who doesn't want to help themselves?! I'm in my junior year of high school, (my most important year) and I am completely hopeless. I love my sister so much, I can't even imagine not having her. If someone could offer me advice on how to help her I would really love it. Thank you.",Helpabbesy,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6spl/my_little_sister_is_suicdal/,ever since little sister wa 3rd grade extremely unhappy alone strange ritual would ob locking door pointing ocd ha today wa unspoken black sheep family older sister already aware depression took counselor much saw cutting afraid approach parent african last year little sister eight year old walked bedroom saw sister h nging back door luckily got time wa admitted hospital week came back beaming happy ha therapist adores medication everything wa going smooth relapsed way caught another attempt attempted around 20 time mom ha quit job watch sister claim fine day checked phone wa searching suicide method many school activity one watch around clock someone please help beyond point stressed determination grade decreased year spend much time looking yet ignores complains people bother scared go sleep sometimes roams around looking way hurt supposed help teen want help junior year high school important year completely hopeless love sister much even imagine someone could offer advice help would really love thank,little sister suic dal,help abbe sy,1800,28,help abbe sy ever since little sister wa 3rd grade extremely unhappy alone strange ritual would ob locking door pointing ocd ha today wa unspoken black sheep family older sister already aware depression took counselor much saw cutting afraid approach parent african last year little sister eight year old walked bedroom saw sister h nging back door luckily got time wa admitted hospital week came back beaming happy ha therapist adores medication everything wa going smooth relapsed way caught another attempt attempted around 20 time mom ha quit job watch sister claim fine day checked phone wa searching suicide method many school activity one watch around clock someone please help beyond point stressed determination grade decreased year spend much time looking yet ignores complains people bother scared go sleep sometimes roams around looking way hurt supposed help teen want help junior year high school important year completely hopeless love sister much even imagine someone could offer advice help would really love thank little sister suic dal
Fuck my life.,"I hate myself. Because of one stupid mistake - I could have just ruined my future career. My dream career. All because I didn't hand in my report on time. I want to fucking end it all. My parents are gonna berate me. I just wanna jump off the balcony of my school and say ""All you have caused is pain and suffering"". I'm gonna be stuck working at McDonald's. I SPENT OVER 150 HOURS ON THIS REPORT TO FAIL AT THE SIMPLEST THING.",Anarchist42,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe3pzr/fuck_my_life/,hate one stupid mistake could ruined future career dream career hand report time want fucking end parent gonna berate wanna jump balcony school say caused pain suffering gonna stuck working mcdonald spent 150 hour report fail simplest thing,fuck life,anarchist 42,427,13,anarchist 42 hate one stupid mistake could ruined future career dream career hand report time want fucking end parent gonna berate wanna jump balcony school say caused pain suffering gonna stuck working mcdonald spent 150 hour report fail simplest thing fuck life
Feeling just about Done,"My wife passed of cancer 4 years ago this May. After about 2 years I was starting to come out of the depression and turn everything around. I have money, nice cars, nice home and have managed to have an amazing woman in my life again that understands all that I have dealt with. I know Im not the only one with this type of story but I need to share. At 50 years old I have alot going, full time musician and always busy. In other words my life is very good but I feel finished. I'm tired and still suffer from depression. I don't drink or do drugs. I work out almost every day, have had therapy and cannot shake what goes on in my head. I didn't kill myself because of our 23 year old son otherwise I would've been gone long ago. If anybody reads this I'm just sharing my thoughts and I too go through life not wanting to be here. Honestly the worlds a pretty shitty place to be but there is alot of good out there somewhere.",PretendRide5,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6pqo/feeling_just_about_done/,wife passed cancer 4 year ago may 2 year wa starting come depression turn everything around money nice car nice home managed amazing woman life understands dealt know im one type story need share 50 year old alot going full time musician always busy word life good feel finished tired still suffer depression drink drug work almost every day therapy cannot shake go head kill 23 year old son otherwise would gone long ago anybody read sharing thought go life wanting honestly world pretty shitty place alot good somewhere,feeling done,pretend ride 5,926,23,pretend ride 5 wife passed cancer 4 year ago may 2 year wa starting come depression turn everything around money nice car nice home managed amazing woman life understands dealt know im one type story need share 50 year old alot going full time musician always busy word life good feel finished tired still suffer depression drink drug work almost every day therapy cannot shake go head kill 23 year old son otherwise would gone long ago anybody read sharing thought go life wanting honestly world pretty shitty place alot good somewhere feeling done
Back in it,Things seemed to look up. I followed the light. It was an illusion.,burnmealivepls,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6p2q/back_in_it/,thing seemed look followed light wa illusion,back,burn alive pl,67,10,burn alive pl thing seemed look followed light wa illusion back
How does a introvert with social snxiety get help if they want to kill them self?,emptypost,NeW_Craze77,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1h5l/how_does_a_introvert_with_social_snxiety_get_help/,emptypost,doe introvert social snxiety get help want kill self,new craze 77,9,81,new craze 77 emptypost doe introvert social snxiety get help want kill self
Please someone help me,"I need to know an effective and painless method
Please if u know some tell me
I can't last longer.",roybttynexvs6,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6kyj/please_someone_help_me/,need know effective painless method please u know tell last longer,please someone help,roy bt tyne xv 6,98,22,roy bt tyne xv 6 need know effective painless method please u know tell last longer please someone help
I don’t even think I should ask for this but please help,"I tried to kill myself in school..I realized a caring girlfriend would be equal to 100 friends.So except trying to get things you wouldn’t like,I’m searching for a girlfriend.I prefer online since no one would be interested in me with my social skills and the red in my neck",Lalayeeet2,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe33pd/i_dont_even_think_i_should_ask_for_this_but/,tried kill school realized caring girlfriend would equal 100 friend except trying get thing like searching girlfriend prefer online since one would interested social skill red neck,even think ask please help,la laye eet 2,274,56,la laye eet 2 tried kill school realized caring girlfriend would equal 100 friend except trying get thing like searching girlfriend prefer online since one would interested social skill red neck even think ask please help
"Please don't ignore this, I am going through some stuff right now.","I can't fucking stand looking at myself in the mirror, my face is round and my cheeks are too chubby. It's a fucking baby face and I see kids younger than me who are able to have defined jawlines, clear skin etc. But no, not me I have moderate acne and I have psoriasis which is starting to flare up. I try to look after myself, but it gets fucking hard getting out of bed and actually looking after myself when I wish that all of this would go away. 

They say I look like my Dad, as if it were a positive aspect, even though he left me when I was a baby. So what? I'm supposed to be grateful for looking like someone who not only was a deadbeat, but also that I should be grateful that I have to look bad for something I couldn't control. I just want to get plastic surgery ASAP. The only reason why I'm working so hard (or at least trying) is to get enough money to fix this shit. I feel so anxious that I feel like when people talk to me, it's out of pity. Why would you talk to someone who looks ugly? My personality doesn't match my body; I can be aspirational, confident at times (shocking right?) , and empathetic. But then I'm a 6'2, slightly chubby piece of shit and whilst that could potentially be fixed, why the fuck is it so hard for me. I swim about 1.5 - 2 miles a week and I eat okay and I can't lose weight. And if I were to get plastic surgery etc., I know that my family would disapprove it, despite that my siblings look so much better than me, seriously. It's not even my family, but my mum, how would she look at me.

But on the other hand this can't happen any longer. It's like my reputation is based on looks when I'm so much more. I want to cry but no one would care because *where's the reward when it isn't a cute ""depressed"" girl to help?* I get judged for being nice, as if I were trying to get some. Could any of you give me your thoughts on plastic surgery. It pisses me off how I would get criticised, like I'm forced to stay this way but others who are naturally fit get to have a good life. I just can't keep going on.

I remember one time I was talking to someone and felt like I wanted to cry because I was thinking ""no one would ever see me like the way they see other people "" (i.e. romantically). I wanted to die, like I always have. But I cannot for certain personal reasons. Hence I am trying to choose the other method: work really hard and if things don't change I **will kill myself regardless of my morals & the consequences etc.** But please, don't comment the bullshit of ""you'll find someone who loves you for your personality"". That is pity and that fucking beats me to the ground. I had a mini panic attack but I tried to contain it to write this. Opinions would be appreciated. I just wanted to make my mum happy and I still managed to fuck it up, no stories about countless girls, popularity, just a sorry piece of shit that my mum has to love. I feel so bad for her.",Ifindlifedepressing,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe61cj/please_dont_ignore_this_i_am_going_through_some/,fucking stand looking mirror face round cheek chubby fucking baby face see kid younger able defined jawlines clear skin etc moderate acne psoriasis starting flare try look get fucking hard getting bed actually looking wish would go away say look like dad positive aspect even though left wa baby supposed grateful looking like someone wa deadbeat also grateful look bad something control want get plastic surgery asap reason working hard least trying get enough money fix shit feel anxious feel like people talk pity would talk someone look ugly personality match body aspirational confident time shocking right empathetic 6 2 slightly chubby piece shit whilst could potentially fixed fuck hard swim 1 5 2 mile week eat okay lose weight get plastic surgery etc know family would disapprove despite sibling look much better seriously even family mum would look hand happen longer like reputation based look much want cry one would care reward cute depressed girl help get judged nice trying get could give thought plastic surgery piss would get criticised like forced stay way others naturally fit get good life keep going remember one time wa talking someone felt like wanted cry wa thinking one would ever see like way see people e romantically wanted die like always cannot certain personal reason hence trying choose method work really hard thing change kill regardless moral amp consequence etc please comment bullshit find someone love personality pity fucking beat ground mini panic attack tried contain write opinion would appreciated wanted make mum happy still managed fuck story countless girl popularity sorry piece shit mum ha love feel bad,please ignore going stuff right,find life depressing,2925,66,find life depressing fucking stand looking mirror face round cheek chubby fucking baby face see kid younger able defined jawlines clear skin etc moderate acne psoriasis starting flare try look get fucking hard getting bed actually looking wish would go away say look like dad positive aspect even though left wa baby supposed grateful looking like someone wa deadbeat also grateful look bad something control want get plastic surgery asap reason working hard least trying get enough money fix shit feel anxious feel like people talk pity would talk someone look ugly personality match body aspirational confident time shocking right empathetic 6 2 slightly chubby piece shit whilst could potentially fixed fuck hard swim 1 5 2 mile week eat okay lose weight get plastic surgery etc know family would disapprove despite sibling look much better seriously even family mum would look hand happen longer like reputation based look much want cry one would care reward cute depressed girl help get judged nice trying get could give thought plastic surgery piss would get criticised like forced stay way others naturally fit get good life keep going remember one time wa talking someone felt like wanted cry wa thinking one would ever see like way see people e romantically wanted die like always cannot certain personal reason hence trying choose method work really hard thing change kill regardless moral amp consequence etc please comment bullshit find someone love personality pity fucking beat ground mini panic attack tried contain write opinion would appreciated wanted make mum happy still managed fuck story countless girl popularity sorry piece shit mum ha love feel bad please ignore going stuff right
Anyone else have this thought too?,"I really would like to die but being able to save or help people with my death. Like, i know i could just leave some note saying that i'm an organ donor but i really would like to have an opportunity to die saving someone or more than one person at the same time. God, i wish i could die a fucking hero, in the last moments of my miserable and pathetic existence i would be able to be the one who gave life to someone else. I've been a fucking useless piece of shit all my life, a fucking failure of a human being, and just the though of dying while being useful...shit, it almost makes me cry in thinking of the joy i think i would feel.",phosTR,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe617u/anyone_else_have_this_thought_too/,really would like die able save help people death like know could leave note saying organ donor really would like opportunity die saving someone one person time god wish could die fucking hero last moment miserable pathetic existence would able one gave life someone else fucking useless piece shit life fucking failure human though dying useful shit almost make cry thinking joy think would feel,anyone else thought,ph ostr,638,34,ph ostr really would like die able save help people death like know could leave note saying organ donor really would like opportunity die saving someone one person time god wish could die fucking hero last moment miserable pathetic existence would able one gave life someone else fucking useless piece shit life fucking failure human though dying useful shit almost make cry thinking joy think would feel anyone else thought
Anyone ever known anyone who used benzos for self-death and was successful?,"Just curious since I'm probably going to do this soon. Most painless way to go, or so I've read anyway. I'm too scared to cut my own throat or wrists cause pain, and I don't have access to a gun.",Setari,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe60iu/anyone_ever_known_anyone_who_used_benzos_for/,curious since probably going soon painless way go read anyway scared cut throat wrist cause pain access gun,anyone ever known anyone used benzos self death wa successful,setar,195,75,setar curious since probably going soon painless way go read anyway scared cut throat wrist cause pain access gun anyone ever known anyone used benzos self death wa successful
I don’t know.,"Dear Reddit, 

Hello everyone here :) 
I’m a 16 year old female. I’m not feeling too well right now. I’m getting these thoughts and suicidal feeling again. They come back occasionally. Right now, I’m eating with my beautiful mother, laughing with my dad as he says my mother is a wonderful cook. I broke down last night when I finished reviewing and studying from my classes. I studied hard for a test I had today, and I felt good about it! Right now, I’m eating as I type this. This day? I thought it would be bad, but it was okay, turning to bad. I’m In a relationship. I love this boy so much. I’ve been happiest with him since years ago. Im a sophomore in high school by the way. I’ve trusted my boyfriend so much and he’s always been there for me. Today however, I felt something was wrong. He didn’t really speak with me. But it’s okay, I’m probably just overthinking it, I want nothing but pure happiness for him. Whether he finds it with someone else or me. I’ve always helped others, always had a smile on my face and I’ve always wanted nothing but happiness for everyone. I’ve only want happiness for everyone else. I want them to feel good and appreciated by atleast someone when they do something. I’ve always supported through anything and I’ve never judged. I’ve been kind to everyone. I appreciate everything that’s given to me, but it’s been a few months I’ve been feeling these usual suicide thoughts. They come often. It’s been a year since I’ve been like this, trying to hang on and move on from it. Whether I see happy moments, times where I love this view. Or others where I’m not sure how I’m feeling.

I felt pressured by my mother. Verbally. I hate trying so hard at school, and failing. What’s the point? I’m going to fail anyways. I’ve always done my best in everything and I’ve always tried to stay happy and look the positive way. But I can’t anymore. I’ve always thought, what if I can just end it? Would anyone really miss me? I think about it, imagining my parents. But, would I really make a difference? Will I go to hell? Religiously talking, I love god. But I’m sorry, I feel like I’ve lost faith in myself. I don’t see it anymore. And every night, I pray, to have a good day, to see my parents, my friends. To stay safe. I want to die, but I don’t. But I want to attempt, but I’m afraid. What if I fail? Would my family be ashamed? 

I think about it daily, and I feel like the only reason I’m
here is for my love. To be there for him when he needs company, to be there for him when he can’t find the light, to be with him when he can’t be happy. To support him through the good and bad. No matter what, no matter the past. For my dad, who’s worked really hard every single night for me and my family. For my friend, who needs support from his friends and family. For my dog, who always listened to me when I felt alone, knowing he wouldn’t understand, but knows I’m upset and let’s me cry on him when I don’t have anyone else.  

I don’t know, I feel like tonight could be it. But I don’t want too I just wonder, would it even matter?",zer0life233,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe2stx/i_dont_know/,dear reddit hello everyone 16 year old female feeling well right getting thought suicidal feeling come back occasionally right eating beautiful mother laughing dad say mother wonderful cook broke last night finished reviewing studying class studied hard test today felt good right eating type day thought would bad wa okay turning bad relationship love boy much happiest since year ago im sophomore high school way trusted boyfriend much always today however felt something wa wrong really speak okay probably overthinking want nothing pure happiness whether find someone else always helped others always smile face always wanted nothing happiness everyone want happiness everyone else want feel good appreciated atleast someone something always supported anything never judged kind everyone appreciate everything given month feeling usual suicide thought come often year since like trying hang move whether see happy moment time love view others sure feeling felt pressured mother verbally hate trying hard school failing point going fail anyways always done best everything always tried stay happy look positive way anymore always thought end would anyone really miss think imagining parent would really make difference go hell religiously talking love god sorry feel like lost faith see anymore every night pray good day see parent friend stay safe want die want attempt afraid fail would family ashamed think daily feel like reason love need company find light happy support good bad matter matter past dad worked really hard every single night family friend need support friend family dog always listened felt alone knowing understand know upset let cry anyone else know feel like tonight could want wonder would even matter,know,z er 0 life 233,3070,13,z er 0 life 233 dear reddit hello everyone 16 year old female feeling well right getting thought suicidal feeling come back occasionally right eating beautiful mother laughing dad say mother wonderful cook broke last night finished reviewing studying class studied hard test today felt good right eating type day thought would bad wa okay turning bad relationship love boy much happiest since year ago im sophomore high school way trusted boyfriend much always today however felt something wa wrong really speak okay probably overthinking want nothing pure happiness whether find someone else always helped others always smile face always wanted nothing happiness everyone want happiness everyone else want feel good appreciated atleast someone something always supported anything never judged kind everyone appreciate everything given month feeling usual suicide thought come often year since like trying hang move whether see happy moment time love view others sure feeling felt pressured mother verbally hate trying hard school failing point going fail anyways always done best everything always tried stay happy look positive way anymore always thought end would anyone really miss think imagining parent would really make difference go hell religiously talking love god sorry feel like lost faith see anymore every night pray good day see parent friend stay safe want die want attempt afraid fail would family ashamed think daily feel like reason love need company find light happy support good bad matter matter past dad worked really hard every single night family friend need support friend family dog always listened felt alone knowing understand know upset let cry anyone else know feel like tonight could want wonder would even matter know
I can’t forgive myself,"I don’t know how to keep going. I drove away the person I loved the most in the world. I never loved someone like this. But I lied and told him I was completely over my ex. I wasn’t. He said he would leave me if I did. So I lied. And later he found texts. I broke up with my ex for him. But he found us talking about our relationship. I still love you, I told her. He was heartbroken. You cheated on me, he said. I insisted no, it was breaking trust, but you can’t say cheating. I apologized so much. I changed so many behaviors. I couldn’t make it up to him. He finally came to me, didn’t talk to me two months, and said, you cheated on me, you manipulated me. I’m done. He did many things that hurt me during the whole time we knew each other. He left me and came back so many times. It got worse and worse. But it’s not an exchange. No matter his actions, I should have done better. I lost him. He was right. It took me so many months to understand what he really meant. I thought of this every day. Now I get it. I destroyed him. I loved him so much. But this was so disrespectful. I’ll never see him again. I’ll never get to love him again. I did such a bad thing. He’ll never care for me. I need to die. I know everyone will convince me no. But I do. I can’t move on. I can’t forgive myself. This is the person I love with all of my heart. I would do anything for him. I ruined my one chance with him. I ruined it! We can’t be together. I miss him so much. There’s no end to how this hurts. Finally I understand that I deserve it. I don’t want to stop myself anymore. I can’t talk to my friends. They’re so sick of it. I talked to them millions of times. I talk about this every day. I can’t move on. There’s nothing anyone can say. I’m as bad as he said. I’m everything he said I was. I’m an abuser. I never understood it before. I abused him! How could I have done that? How could I not have seen it? How could I not have begged for forgiveness? I hurt him so bad. He wanted to kill himself, it hurt him so bad. I deserve it! To feel like this! I can’t forgive myself. I can’t solve this. I can’t get what I want out of this. He’s so far moved on. It’s over, it’s done, I can’t get over it. I want him back so badly. I miss him so much. I’m always going to hurt like this. I’m already in hell",postingfromanalt,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5y6t/i_cant_forgive_myself/,know keep going drove away person loved world never loved someone like lied told wa completely ex said would leave lied later found text broke ex found u talking relationship still love told wa heartbroken cheated said insisted wa breaking trust say cheating apologized much changed many behavior make finally came talk two month said cheated manipulated done many thing hurt whole time knew left came back many time got worse worse exchange matter action done better lost wa right took many month understand really meant thought every day get destroyed loved much wa disrespectful never see never get love bad thing never care need die know everyone convince move forgive person love heart would anything ruined one chance ruined together miss much end hurt finally understand deserve want stop anymore talk friend sick talked million time talk every day move nothing anyone say bad said everything said wa abuser never understood abused could done could seen could begged forgiveness hurt bad wanted kill hurt bad deserve feel like forgive solve get want far moved done get want back badly miss much always going hurt like already hell,forgive,posting alt,2300,22,posting alt know keep going drove away person loved world never loved someone like lied told wa completely ex said would leave lied later found text broke ex found u talking relationship still love told wa heartbroken cheated said insisted wa breaking trust say cheating apologized much changed many behavior make finally came talk two month said cheated manipulated done many thing hurt whole time knew left came back many time got worse worse exchange matter action done better lost wa right took many month understand really meant thought every day get destroyed loved much wa disrespectful never see never get love bad thing never care need die know everyone convince move forgive person love heart would anything ruined one chance ruined together miss much end hurt finally understand deserve want stop anymore talk friend sick talked million time talk every day move nothing anyone say bad said everything said wa abuser never understood abused could done could seen could begged forgiveness hurt bad wanted kill hurt bad deserve feel like forgive solve get want far moved done get want back badly miss much always going hurt like already hell forgive
Killing myself tonight,"I've been intensely suicidal since I was about 7. There are so many things that make me this way, and I'm seriously going to snap soon. I can't take it anymore; my dad screaming and threatening to whoop my ass all the time, and my mom smothering me to the point that I don't think she'll ever see me as something other than her sweet little baby. I was almost self harm free for a month, but of course I fucked that up and cut again. I hate myself so fucking much, and I hate myself more for even trying to get help and support from anyone. People have told me to my face to kill myself, yet I don't blame them at all. I'm just a fucking selfish asshole even though I don't even think of myself as human. Every single minor inconvenience makes me want to slit my wrists, which of course, only makes me feel absolutely fucking terrible because there are so many people that have it worse off than me. My dad threatened to beat the shit out of me again, though he didn't do it, and I think that's what's really pushing me over the edge. He's a tall, very muscular guy at 6'4, so it isn't like I could defend myself anyways. I want to kill myself so bad, just to end the world's suffering. I'm such a fucking burden, and it's like everything that comes out of my mouth is just more reason to rid them of my existence. My mom is insanely over protective, always insisting on ""tucking me in"" and kissing me and laying with me. And while that is a lot nicer than being literally beat by your mother, she FORCES me to kiss her. Once, I refused, and she pinned me by my wrists to my bed. I put on such a thick facade that sometimes I don't even know who I am. Nothing I do is actually myself, I'm just pretending for everyone else's sake. People are actually stupid enough to care about me to an extent. Sometimes, I wish it weren't like that, and that they wouldn't be affected by my death. The person that they think they know and love doesn't exist, and nobody knew me before I was how I am. It's not like that matters now; I was just a kid. I'm such a fucking idiot. I hate myself. I'm sorry that this isn't too long, and I'm sorry that it's jumbled around, I've been crying for about three hours and I'm at my wits' end. I love my girlfriend more than I've ever loved anything, and I'd hate to leave her alone when I'm dead, so this post was just to maybe help me get everything out of my head and be a fucking sensible person. There's so much more to say, but right now I really can't think of anything.
I'm sorry if this worries anyone.",HelpmeIm_sick,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5y23/killing_myself_tonight/,intensely suicidal since wa 7 many thing make way seriously going snap soon take anymore dad screaming threatening whoop time mom smothering point think ever see something sweet little baby wa almost self harm free month course fucked cut hate fucking much hate even trying get help support anyone people told face kill yet blame fucking selfish asshole even though even think human every single minor inconvenience make want slit wrist course make feel absolutely fucking terrible many people worse dad threatened beat shit though think really pushing edge tall muscular guy 6 4 like could defend anyways want kill bad end world suffering fucking burden like everything come mouth reason rid existence mom insanely protective always insisting tucking kissing laying lot nicer literally beat mother force kiss refused pinned wrist bed put thick facade sometimes even know nothing actually pretending everyone else sake people actually stupid enough care extent sometimes wish like affected death person think know love exist nobody knew wa like matter wa kid fucking idiot hate sorry long sorry jumbled around cry three hour wit end love girlfriend ever loved anything hate leave alone dead post wa maybe help get everything head fucking sensible person much say right really think anything sorry worry anyone,killing tonight,help mei sick,2535,22,help mei sick intensely suicidal since wa 7 many thing make way seriously going snap soon take anymore dad screaming threatening whoop time mom smothering point think ever see something sweet little baby wa almost self harm free month course fucked cut hate fucking much hate even trying get help support anyone people told face kill yet blame fucking selfish asshole even though even think human every single minor inconvenience make want slit wrist course make feel absolutely fucking terrible many people worse dad threatened beat shit though think really pushing edge tall muscular guy 6 4 like could defend anyways want kill bad end world suffering fucking burden like everything come mouth reason rid existence mom insanely protective always insisting tucking kissing laying lot nicer literally beat mother force kiss refused pinned wrist bed put thick facade sometimes even know nothing actually pretending everyone else sake people actually stupid enough care extent sometimes wish like affected death person think know love exist nobody knew wa like matter wa kid fucking idiot hate sorry long sorry jumbled around cry three hour wit end love girlfriend ever loved anything hate leave alone dead post wa maybe help get everything head fucking sensible person much say right really think anything sorry worry anyone killing tonight
"I wanna be dead, but not enough to kms but i would't mind if someone were to kill me right now","Im 14m and im depressed for over a year and have no one to really talk to other than i girl in my class via chat but i also think im a sociopath cuz all typtoms match my personality and i know im really antisocial, i start crying when i talk to someone i dont know well or they start mokking me (like a lot of teachers do when they say like, you should know that) so i dont like talking to her always and im too scared that she will know i wanna be dead, the people that you would think would help me just dont my mom gives me constant stress, my teachers also, my dad is just shit and i dont talk to him, i think if i did i would've already killed myself.
I want help but not from someone i know irl, i want someone to talk to and i can be open to, i dont want that anyone knows this that sees me. If someone knows something please help me",IllFearMe,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe2r22/i_wanna_be_dead_but_not_enough_to_kms_but_i/,im 14m im depressed year one really talk girl class via chat also think im sociopath cuz typtoms match personality know im really antisocial start cry talk someone dont know well start mokking like lot teacher say like know dont like talking always im scared know wanna dead people would think would help dont mom give constant stress teacher also dad shit dont talk think would already killed want help someone know irl want someone talk open dont want anyone know see someone know something please help,wanna dead enough km would mind someone kill right,ill fear,840,94,ill fear im 14m im depressed year one really talk girl class via chat also think im sociopath cuz typtoms match personality know im really antisocial start cry talk someone dont know well start mokking like lot teacher say like know dont like talking always im scared know wanna dead people would think would help dont mom give constant stress teacher also dad shit dont talk think would already killed want help someone know irl want someone talk open dont want anyone know see someone know something please help wanna dead enough km would mind someone kill right
I really need help guys. M13,"My parents got a divorce like in June
My whole life turned upside down. I got depression, my grades were failing, and have been very suicidal recently. I just found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom for about a year before their divorce. It really messed me up. I just want someone to talk to. Please PM. I want to talk. Not about this just a normal conversation. Please! Someone",TheBigBoyz,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5v86/i_really_need_help_guys_m13/,parent got divorce like june whole life turned upside got depression grade failing suicidal recently found dad ha cheating mom year divorce really messed want someone talk please pm want talk normal conversation please someone,really need help guy m13,big boyz,389,28,big boyz parent got divorce like june whole life turned upside got depression grade failing suicidal recently found dad ha cheating mom year divorce really messed want someone talk please pm want talk normal conversation please someone really need help guy m13
I'm 30 years old and it doesn't get better,Every time I start to build a life it gets ripped apart in a few days.  When I relapsed on alcohol everything goes to shit.  I could be going to jail. Life always gets worse. I want to die.  I'm 30 and it gets worse and worse and worse.  Sure there's small spaces of joy but it's not worth it.  I want to slit my wrists vertically.  I just want to end this suffering.  I've been in love and I've had some good times.  But I don't want to go through this life any longer.  I also have a physical disability.  I'm just a little scared if death but we are going to die either way.  I'm scared of pain but I just want this life to end.,truespirit89,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5s7z/im_30_years_old_and_it_doesnt_get_better/,every time start build life get ripped apart day relapsed alcohol everything go shit could going jail life always get worse want die 30 get worse worse worse sure small space joy worth want slit wrist vertically want end suffering love good time want go life longer also physical disability little scared death going die either way scared pain want life end,30 year old get better,true spirit 89,631,42,true spirit 89 every time start build life get ripped apart day relapsed alcohol everything go shit could going jail life always get worse want die 30 get worse worse worse sure small space joy worth want slit wrist vertically want end suffering love good time want go life longer also physical disability little scared death going die either way scared pain want life end 30 year old get better
I want to sleep and never wake up,emptypost,19931,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe5r1v/i_want_to_sleep_and_never_wake_up/,emptypost,want sleep never wake,19931,9,33,19931 emptypost want sleep never wake
I don't deserve to be alive,"I hate myself so fucking much, it hurts to exist. I'm a pathetic, disgusting excuse for a person and nobody, not even me can stand being around me. I wish I could just be somebody, anybody else.",vskskfba,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdvnxm/i_dont_deserve_to_be_alive/,hate fucking much hurt exist pathetic disgusting excuse person nobody even stand around wish could somebody anybody else,deserve alive,v k sk fba,194,27,v k sk fba hate fucking much hurt exist pathetic disgusting excuse person nobody even stand around wish could somebody anybody else deserve alive
Killing myself right after I post this,"I reached out for help this evening. I was at the end of my rope and talked to a crisis line that basically told me to take a walk and do a puzzle to take my mind off things. Clearly the person on the other line has never been suicidal because shit doesn’t work that way. I was honest. Said I wanted to end my life tonight. I’m not doing a fucking puzzle. 

Bye, all.

Edit: [update](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdv8dq/i_attempted_last_night_and_lived/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) 

Thanks, all.",runningrunningrunrun,53,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdojaj/killing_myself_right_after_i_post_this/,reached help evening wa end rope talked crisis line basically told take walk puzzle take mind thing clearly person line ha never suicidal shit work way wa honest said wanted end life tonight fucking puzzle bye edit update http www reddit com r suicidewatch comment fdv8dq i_attempted_last_night_and_lived utm_source share amp utm_medium ios_app amp utm_name iossmf thanks,killing right post,running running run run,547,38,running running run run reached help evening wa end rope talked crisis line basically told take walk puzzle take mind thing clearly person line ha never suicidal shit work way wa honest said wanted end life tonight fucking puzzle bye edit update http www reddit com r suicidewatch comment fdv8dq i_attempted_last_night_and_lived utm_source share amp utm_medium ios_app amp utm_name iossmf thanks killing right post
I miss the physical affection of being in a relationship and it’s making me feel lonely and suicidal,"I don’t know why but, ever since the breakup with my ex 2 months ago, I’ve been feeling more alone, more suicidal. I was by no means not suicidal before the relationship or during the relationship but now I’m out of it, I feel cold, alone and suicidal a lot more. Something about being held and comforted by someone who I actually loved was peaceful. I’m a very heavy guy (16 stone heavy) so I’ve always found Bad luck in relationships. Due to this and the countless bullying I suffered due to my weight, I’ve been very depressed and suicidal, and when a person comes into my life, I just get attached to them easily. I just feel like I’m worthless, like I don’t deserve the happiness I want to have. In times like this I just want someone to lay down with me, cuddle with me, and reassure me they won’t leave me and won’t hurt me. I fucking hate the way I am, I want to think normally, I want to be normal, but I can’t fit in anywhere.",zamas2,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdvsiy/i_miss_the_physical_affection_of_being_in_a/,know ever since breakup ex 2 month ago feeling alone suicidal wa mean suicidal relationship relationship feel cold alone suicidal lot something held comforted someone actually loved wa peaceful heavy guy 16 stone heavy always found bad luck relationship due countless bullying suffered due weight depressed suicidal person come life get attached easily feel like worthless like deserve happiness want time like want someone lay cuddle reassure leave hurt fucking hate way want think normally want normal fit anywhere,miss physical affection relationship making feel lonely suicidal,zam 2,936,100,zam 2 know ever since breakup ex 2 month ago feeling alone suicidal wa mean suicidal relationship relationship feel cold alone suicidal lot something held comforted someone actually loved wa peaceful heavy guy 16 stone heavy always found bad luck relationship due countless bullying suffered due weight depressed suicidal person come life get attached easily feel like worthless like deserve happiness want time like want someone lay cuddle reassure leave hurt fucking hate way want think normally want normal fit anywhere miss physical affection relationship making feel lonely suicidal
I still have nothing for no one,"Not myself, not others

I'm gonna fail out of the online school I was pressured to get into, because I can't make myself try, because I'm pretty universally and consistently useless

Anytime I can die would be great, the sooner the better",SandalFishing,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe54bd/i_still_have_nothing_for_no_one/,others gonna fail online school wa pressured get make try pretty universally consistently useless anytime die would great sooner better,still nothing one,sandal fishing,238,31,sandal fishing others gonna fail online school wa pressured get make try pretty universally consistently useless anytime die would great sooner better still nothing one
I just want to commit sucide because it solves all my future problems.,"I have no plan. My homework is building up and I can’t concentrate to to do at home or at school. If I can’t even do easy schoolwork how am I even be able to handle the workload of a real job? 

Yes I could just forget about it right now and postpone it. But that doesn’t solve tomorrow’s math test i haven’t studyed  for. Just because I could stop worrying about it right now, it won’t stop me from worrying about it in the future when I feel like I have to go on.

It’s a trap because every time I get the rope out I feel better because it takes away the future problems. But then once  I feel better and put the rope away, all the problems come back.",AbsorbedSky312,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdu79r/i_just_want_to_commit_sucide_because_it_solves/,plan homework building concentrate home school even easy schoolwork even able handle workload real job yes could forget right postpone solve tomorrow math test studyed could stop worrying right stop worrying future feel like go trap every time get rope feel better take away future problem feel better put rope away problem come back,want commit sucide solves future problem,absorbed sky 312,653,70,absorbed sky 312 plan homework building concentrate home school even easy schoolwork even able handle workload real job yes could forget right postpone solve tomorrow math test studyed could stop worrying right stop worrying future feel like go trap every time get rope feel better take away future problem feel better put rope away problem come back want commit sucide solves future problem
I think its time,"I'm posting here because its anonymous and frankly I just wanted to speak my piece before I end it. I feel awful inside, everyday trying to mask the pain with busy work, or arrogance and charm towsrds others to distract myself. I've felt empty for quite some time. I finally opened up to my wife about these thoughts a year ago and she blamed me for how that made her feel knowing I want to kill myself. She left me some short time after. Since then I've had about 6 months of time to really digest my thoughts and feeling. I feel an incredible depression each day and then feel even worse when I think about my children having to deal with my death. For a long time that deterred me from suicide, now it seems more like a valid solution to my pain and a way for everyone to move on. I dont want anyone to find my body which clearly describes suicide. On the contrary I'd like to frame my death so the narrative suggests a noble death and therefore easier on my family. Of course my children love me, but it's been an incredibly long time since I've felt love or purpose. I feel like a paycheck, a slave to everyone else's needs, a pawn in someone else's game. I'm happy that I experienced love, excitement, danger, success but I feel now at the age of 35 the good days of ignorant bliss are behind me. Anyway, just figured I'd put this out here, to people that wouldn't tell me how selfish I am, or how this doesnt help anyone. I just want the pain to end.",4inchsofBigD,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe514n/i_think_its_time/,posting anonymous frankly wanted speak piece end feel awful inside everyday trying mask pain busy work arrogance charm towsrds others distract felt empty quite time finally opened wife thought year ago blamed made feel knowing want kill left short time since 6 month time really digest thought feeling feel incredible depression day feel even worse think child deal death long time deterred suicide seems like valid solution pain way everyone move dont want anyone find body clearly describes suicide contrary like frame death narrative suggests noble death therefore easier family course child love incredibly long time since felt love purpose feel like paycheck slave everyone else need pawn someone else game happy experienced love excitement danger success feel age 35 good day ignorant bliss behind anyway figured put people tell selfish doesnt help anyone want pain end,think time,4 inch big,1457,16,4 inch big posting anonymous frankly wanted speak piece end feel awful inside everyday trying mask pain busy work arrogance charm towsrds others distract felt empty quite time finally opened wife thought year ago blamed made feel knowing want kill left short time since 6 month time really digest thought feeling feel incredible depression day feel even worse think child deal death long time deterred suicide seems like valid solution pain way everyone move dont want anyone find body clearly describes suicide contrary like frame death narrative suggests noble death therefore easier family course child love incredibly long time since felt love purpose feel like paycheck slave everyone else need pawn someone else game happy experienced love excitement danger success feel age 35 good day ignorant bliss behind anyway figured put people tell selfish doesnt help anyone want pain end think time
Tonight,"I will do it tonight. 

I'm tired of everything. I tried getting help, didn't work.
I will take the pills, and then, I will rest. I like sleeping, I will be fine with it.

I'm going to miss my dog. I hope she gets a better human, that makes her happy.",pinguin_c,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1o4m/tonight/,tonight tired everything tried getting help work take pill rest like sleeping fine going miss dog hope get better human make happy,tonight,pingu c,251,7,pingu c tonight tired everything tried getting help work take pill rest like sleeping fine going miss dog hope get better human make happy tonight
I can't withstand being treated as a special needs person,"It makes me feel like I won't be able to find new friends in the future, because people see me as different, and they treat me in a more childish or condescending way.

How could I make my mom or psychologist understand? I don't want them to think I'm doing this to burden them or something like that...",LifeisCrumbling,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1hiw/i_cant_withstand_being_treated_as_a_special_needs/,make feel like able find new friend future people see different treat childish condescending way could make mom psychologist understand want think burden something like,withstand treated special need person,life crumbling,303,57,life crumbling make feel like able find new friend future people see different treat childish condescending way could make mom psychologist understand want think burden something like withstand treated special need person
Life is Overrated,"Now I have no right to be complaining because my Asian family isn’t get strict. I do have some pressure to be smart from peers and even teachers. But since I’m a fragile hoe, I’m depressed and just want my life to end. I’m a huge hypocrite, and I get mad over the most ordinary things that aren’t important. One example of my ridiculous hypocrisy was when I ranted about my friend who’s in a terrible family situation. I constantly insulted him and said that he was faking depression and begging for attention. What he was doing was begging for sympathy and I had no right to be saying anything because people who are depressed are more inclined to act that way. And even now I make fun of him. I don’t know what is wrong with me except for everything. And now I’m the one begging for sympathy. And I’m somewhat glad that nobody gives it to me because I don’t deserve sympathy. I feel that it’s really ironic that I’m talking about this because I just made a project convincing people not to commit suicide. Oh and what do y’all recommend, slitting or jumping? I could write sooo much more but I’m kinda lazy.",SenpaiSquiggle,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4m9r/life_is_overrated/,right complaining asian family get strict pressure smart peer even teacher since fragile hoe depressed want life end huge hypocrite get mad ordinary thing important one example ridiculous hypocrisy wa ranted friend terrible family situation constantly insulted said wa faking depression begging attention wa wa begging sympathy right saying anything people depressed inclined act way even make fun know wrong except everything one begging sympathy somewhat glad nobody give deserve sympathy feel really ironic talking made project convincing people commit suicide oh recommend slitting jumping could write sooo much kinda lazy,life overrated,sen pai squiggle,1109,17,sen pai squiggle right complaining asian family get strict pressure smart peer even teacher since fragile hoe depressed want life end huge hypocrite get mad ordinary thing important one example ridiculous hypocrisy wa ranted friend terrible family situation constantly insulted said wa faking depression begging attention wa wa begging sympathy right saying anything people depressed inclined act way even make fun know wrong except everything one begging sympathy somewhat glad nobody give deserve sympathy feel really ironic talking made project convincing people commit suicide oh recommend slitting jumping could write sooo much kinda lazy life overrated
It was too good to be true...,"Previously I posted in r/Assistance that I got out of debt reselling stuff... Everything was going very well until I wanted to make an order for things I already got paid for. Accidentally deposited to a phishing site that looked and acted exactly like the original one. Now instead of being 2000 USD in debt, I'm in 12000 USD debt. 

And yesterday was my first suicide attempt... It would be successfull if my dad didn't come early from work. Five more minutes and I'd be dead. I don't know if it's good I didn't die.",sanpine,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4m7g/it_was_too_good_to_be_true/,previously posted r assistance got debt reselling stuff everything wa going well wanted make order thing already got paid accidentally deposited phishing site looked acted exactly like original one instead 2000 usd debt 12000 usd debt yesterday wa first suicide attempt would successfull dad come early work five minute dead know good die,wa good true,san pine,518,29,san pine previously posted r assistance got debt reselling stuff everything wa going well wanted make order thing already got paid accidentally deposited phishing site looked acted exactly like original one instead 2000 usd debt 12000 usd debt yesterday wa first suicide attempt would successfull dad come early work five minute dead know good die wa good true
I am suicidal but I can't kill myself because of laziness.,"I really don't know if this is the appropriate sub-reddit for this but I find it really funny when I become suicidal. 

The intent to kill myself is very strong and it reaches the point that it creates a heavy feeling in my brain and renders my progress with my mental health null. I am quite aware of the progress I made the past few months and I have even considered myself depression-free until I had an episode after feeling very stable for three weeks. I realized that depression isn't a one-time thing that can be cured with constant means of pharmacology.

I am now in this state of wanting to kill myself (again) but is too lazy to get a knife downstairs. I would know damn well that this feeling of emptiness and being suicidal will subside after this episode. Any tips to overcome this recursive state of mine? However, I might break out of this laziness phase and actually do it.",nununununbit,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdz2oa/i_am_suicidal_but_i_cant_kill_myself_because_of/,really know appropriate sub reddit find really funny become suicidal intent kill strong reach point creates heavy feeling brain render progress mental health null quite aware progress made past month even considered depression free episode feeling stable three week realized depression one time thing cured constant mean pharmacology state wanting kill lazy get knife downstairs would know damn well feeling emptiness suicidal subside episode tip overcome recursive state mine however might break laziness phase actually,suicidal kill laziness,nun unu nun bit,890,58,nun unu nun bit really know appropriate sub reddit find really funny become suicidal intent kill strong reach point creates heavy feeling brain render progress mental health null quite aware progress made past month even considered depression free episode feeling stable three week realized depression one time thing cured constant mean pharmacology state wanting kill lazy get knife downstairs would know damn well feeling emptiness suicidal subside episode tip overcome recursive state mine however might break laziness phase actually suicidal kill laziness
Just want to go!,"I'm 38 and always felt like a screw up.

I'm one of those people that when things start looking good, I'll always fund a way to mess it up and end up back at square one. 

I'm constantly down and always thinking about ending my life, like every day.

All that's holding me back is the thought of leaving my 2 young kids, but it also depresses me more knowing how much of a loser their dad is.

I've tried 3 overdoses with Zopiclone which did nothing but I have been practicing with hanging while sitting, I came close to passing out 3 days ago with belt in door but fought to save myself as I knew mrs and kids were due home.

I cant shake the thoughts.

Debt + gambling addiction + pure unhappy",Murixo1981,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe13x3/just_want_to_go/,38 always felt like screw one people thing start looking good always fund way mess end back square one constantly always thinking ending life like every day holding back thought leaving 2 young kid also depresses knowing much loser dad tried 3 overdoses zopiclone nothing practicing hanging sitting came close passing 3 day ago belt door fought save knew mr kid due home cant shake thought debt gambling addiction pure unhappy,want go,muri xo 1981,695,16,muri xo 1981 38 always felt like screw one people thing start looking good always fund way mess end back square one constantly always thinking ending life like every day holding back thought leaving 2 young kid also depresses knowing much loser dad tried 3 overdoses zopiclone nothing practicing hanging sitting came close passing 3 day ago belt door fought save knew mr kid due home cant shake thought debt gambling addiction pure unhappy want go
Being harrassed nonstop by the public,"death threats. jobs seem fall through. vehicles taken towed or stolen. phone constanly hacked.... 

and its either retaliate and get arrested... or what? kill myself?

and posting to ask reddit my.posts are deleted.


And the answer from one person is lay low. Well I have done that to no avail. Either the streets or the authorities end up completely fucking me off in every way.",GFPITB,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdz1wq/being_harrassed_nonstop_by_the_public/,death threat job seem fall vehicle taken towed stolen phone constanly hacked either retaliate get arrested kill posting ask reddit post deleted answer one person lay low well done avail either street authority end completely fucking every way,harrassed nonstop public,gf pit b,380,37,gf pit b death threat job seem fall vehicle taken towed stolen phone constanly hacked either retaliate get arrested kill posting ask reddit post deleted answer one person lay low well done avail either street authority end completely fucking every way harrassed nonstop public
It’s all my fault,I tried. I did my best. I loved him with all my heart and soul. But it wasn’t enough. I can’t live through another heartbreak. I chose not to. I have nothing left. I am hollow. He was my happiness. My joy in life. My soulmate. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. I can’t do this without him.,yoeamos77,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe12w8/its_all_my_fault/,tried best loved heart soul enough live another heartbreak chose nothing left hollow wa happiness joy life soulmate heart shattered million piece without,fault,yoe amos 77,300,17,yoe amos 77 tried best loved heart soul enough live another heartbreak chose nothing left hollow wa happiness joy life soulmate heart shattered million piece without fault
Tell me why not and I'm being serious,"I'm a 53 year old man and my life has sucked on so many levels. I've been married and divorced 3 times and several LTRs over the years, including the one I'm in now (over a year and we live together). I've got 5 kids, one just turned 13 last week. She wants nothing to do with me, nor does 2 of her half-sisters, who aren't even nearby (I called DFCS after we split because there were (literally hundreds) of roaches in the apartment in which we lived and she would so nothing about, among other things (like the time her autistic son found her loaded, insecure handgun), but those details are just stuff since I'm now a pariah. 100% would call again. So anyway, no contact with the youngest 3.

But what I'm really struggling with is, ""Why not?""

I know all of the typical reasons involving everyone else, that they'll be hurt, it will affect them horribly, etc. But what about me? Why not? My girlfriend really doesn't like me tbh. (she said I'm the rudest person she's ever met and I believe she means it, even though I've never been told that I was a rude person in 50 years.

But for me, aside from how it affects others, why the hell not? I have no religious faith, because I just don't. If you take away how it affects others, I just don't see a reason to keep living anymore. My job sucks, my girlfriend doesn't even really like me apparently, and I see my parents once a year for 2 days or so and my only brother I haven't seen in 7 tmyears even though we get along.

My hearing sucks, I'm constantly having to ask people to repeat themselves and that frustrates all involved. And even when I don't, I have really loud tinnitus. Neuropathy, ADHD, constant joint pain (not debilitating but always there), frequent memory loss (my gf had to show me pictures of our 3rd date at a steak place because I didn't remember it all and that's not uncommon).

So, why? My current relationship is probably ending soon anyway. For me, what's the point? I don't want to hear about how it affects others because that just adds more guilt to what's already been a pretty shitty life and kinda makes me want to stop that guilt too because I wouldn't have to feel it. I know it's selfish and suicide is indeed probably the most selfish thing I can do. I get that.

But why oh why should *I* want to keep on living when my whole adult life has been a cycle of misery and promises to be more of the same.

I know I shouldn't, right? In my head. But my heart just wants it all to be just over.

Help?",TheRitalinCommando,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdxir2/tell_me_why_not_and_im_being_serious/,53 year old man life ha sucked many level married divorced 3 time several ltrs year including one year live together got 5 kid one turned 13 last week want nothing doe 2 half sister even nearby called dfcs split literally hundred roach apartment lived would nothing among thing like time autistic son found loaded insecure handgun detail stuff since pariah 100 would call anyway contact youngest 3 really struggling know typical reason involving everyone else hurt affect horribly etc girlfriend really like tbh said rudest person ever met believe mean even though never told wa rude person 50 year aside affect others hell religious faith take away affect others see reason keep living anymore job suck girlfriend even really like apparently see parent year 2 day brother seen 7 tmyears even though get along hearing suck constantly ask people repeat frustrates involved even really loud tinnitus neuropathy adhd constant joint pain debilitating always frequent memory loss gf show picture 3rd date steak place remember uncommon current relationship probably ending soon anyway point want hear affect others add guilt already pretty shitty life kinda make want stop guilt feel know selfish suicide indeed probably selfish thing get oh want keep living whole adult life ha cycle misery promise know right head heart want help,tell serious,ritalin commando,2488,37,ritalin commando 53 year old man life ha sucked many level married divorced 3 time several ltrs year including one year live together got 5 kid one turned 13 last week want nothing doe 2 half sister even nearby called dfcs split literally hundred roach apartment lived would nothing among thing like time autistic son found loaded insecure handgun detail stuff since pariah 100 would call anyway contact youngest 3 really struggling know typical reason involving everyone else hurt affect horribly etc girlfriend really like tbh said rudest person ever met believe mean even though never told wa rude person 50 year aside affect others hell religious faith take away affect others see reason keep living anymore job suck girlfriend even really like apparently see parent year 2 day brother seen 7 tmyears even though get along hearing suck constantly ask people repeat frustrates involved even really loud tinnitus neuropathy adhd constant joint pain debilitating always frequent memory loss gf show picture 3rd date steak place remember uncommon current relationship probably ending soon anyway point want hear affect others add guilt already pretty shitty life kinda make want stop guilt feel know selfish suicide indeed probably selfish thing get oh want keep living whole adult life ha cycle misery promise know right head heart want help tell serious
Anyone else just don’t enjoy life or I’m the only one? Like I don’t find anything interesting or I just don’t care about anything?,"I’m about to turn 20 soon, and lately I realized I don’t even enjoy living.

Everyday I wake up, I don’t even want to get out of bed I just want to lay there. When I do get out of bed I just hate doing anything. It doesn’t matter what I’ll be doing I just rather be dead all the time so I don’t have to do anything? Maybe I’m lazy or something but I just hate doing stuff? I rather just be dead lol, so I can just be in peace.. 

I’m on antidepressants and they help but I still don’t enjoy life, there’s more why I don’t enjoy life mostly cause I can’t hold a job, or keep any friends or even talk to anyone. I just feel like a fucking ghost.

Been thinking about just ending up, but can’t get enough courage to do it. Hopefully soon I just say fuck it and do it.",throwaway98714,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4flg/anyone_else_just_dont_enjoy_life_or_im_the_only/,turn 20 soon lately realized even enjoy living everyday wake even want get bed want lay get bed hate anything matter rather dead time anything maybe lazy something hate stuff rather dead lol peace antidepressant help still enjoy life enjoy life mostly cause hold job keep friend even talk anyone feel like fucking ghost thinking ending get enough courage hopefully soon say fuck,anyone else enjoy life one like find anything interesting care anything,throwaway 98714,764,130,throwaway 98714 turn 20 soon lately realized even enjoy living everyday wake even want get bed want lay get bed hate anything matter rather dead time anything maybe lazy something hate stuff rather dead lol peace antidepressant help still enjoy life enjoy life mostly cause hold job keep friend even talk anyone feel like fucking ghost thinking ending get enough courage hopefully soon say fuck anyone else enjoy life one like find anything interesting care anything
I've become a monster,It seems I've finally come to realise that I've become a monster i thought i was originally preventing becoming one but really i became one a long time ago. I keep hurting the people i love saying things that i shouldn't and now trying to suppress my emotions. I've become something i feared of becoming and now that the realization has kicked in I'm not sure what to do I'm panicking,Smurphy55656,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdtq4h/ive_become_a_monster/,seems finally come realise become monster thought wa originally preventing becoming one really became one long time ago keep hurting people love saying thing trying suppress emotion become something feared becoming realization ha kicked sure panicking,become monster,murphy 55656,384,21,murphy 55656 seems finally come realise become monster thought wa originally preventing becoming one really became one long time ago keep hurting people love saying thing trying suppress emotion become something feared becoming realization ha kicked sure panicking become monster
"At work, want to commit suicide. soon, ideally.","I keep looking at ways to kill myself. I doubt the little store in town would have what i need to be successful. I have a 3500$ medical bill thay beeds to be paid off and i don't have thst kind of money. I'm working three 12s at work but apparently that's not enough because I need to somehow get a 4 hour shift. Can't find the person i need to ask about that, if it's even possible. 
I'm tired. I don't wabt to be here anymore and no one is listening. Prolly shouldnt have posted on my main account but i doubt anyone knows I habe a reddit, so i guess there's that.",niightmaremode,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe0u3m/at_work_want_to_commit_suicide_soon_ideally/,keep looking way kill doubt little store town would need successful 3500 medical bill thay beeds paid thst kind money working three 12 work apparently enough need somehow get 4 hour shift find person need ask even possible tired wabt anymore one listening prolly shouldnt posted main account doubt anyone know habe reddit guess,work want commit suicide soon ideally,nii g htm mode,566,47,nii g htm mode keep looking way kill doubt little store town would need successful 3500 medical bill thay beeds paid thst kind money working three 12 work apparently enough need somehow get 4 hour shift find person need ask even possible tired wabt anymore one listening prolly shouldnt posted main account doubt anyone know habe reddit guess work want commit suicide soon ideally
why does it keep getting worse :(,"I hate myself, and I want to die more than anything. People always say it gets better, but how can it get better when you’re the problem? I don’t hate life. Actually, I really enjoy life. I love most of the people I meet, and my dog, and listening to music while watching the sunset and looking at the stars and reading books and hanging out with friends and walking outside after it rains and smelling the fresh air and getting to see people smile. The problem is me. I’m a bad person and I hate the way I am. Everyday I wake up and feel guilty for being alive and having to subject the outside world to the unpleasantness that i am. I hate getting out of bed and having to look in the mirror and see myself and be reminded that I’m me. I literally can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I hate people telling me I need confidence. I’m clearing missing more than that. I don’t think I can ever like myself, and that’s why I want to die. I want to enjoy life, and all the amazing things it has to offer, but not really. How can I when I’m literally my least favorite person I’ve ever met?",phatthrowawayacc69,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe4ao2/why_does_it_keep_getting_worse/,hate want die anything people always say get better get better problem hate life actually really enjoy life love people meet dog listening music watching sunset looking star reading book hanging friend walking outside rain smelling fresh air getting see people smile problem bad person hate way everyday wake feel guilty alive subject outside world unpleasantness hate getting bed look mirror see reminded literally stand feeling like anymore hate people telling need confidence clearing missing think ever like want die want enjoy life amazing thing ha offer really literally least favorite person ever met,doe keep getting worse,phat throwaway acc 69,1088,33,phat throwaway acc 69 hate want die anything people always say get better get better problem hate life actually really enjoy life love people meet dog listening music watching sunset looking star reading book hanging friend walking outside rain smelling fresh air getting see people smile problem bad person hate way everyday wake feel guilty alive subject outside world unpleasantness hate getting bed look mirror see reminded literally stand feeling like anymore hate people telling need confidence clearing missing think ever like want die want enjoy life amazing thing ha offer really literally least favorite person ever met doe keep getting worse
Can someone please help this user?,"[the user, Jordan.](https://www.reddit.com/u/jordan177013/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
I’ve sent him/her a suicide prevention link (probably not much help) already. They’ve created multiple posts recently to multiple subreddits on suicide, I’m awful with these things, I hope they’ll be okay.",redlionel,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe48y7/can_someone_please_help_this_user/,user jordan http www reddit com u jordan177013 utm_source share amp utm_medium ios_app amp utm_name iossmf sent suicide prevention link probably much help already created multiple post recently multiple subreddits suicide awful thing hope okay,someone please help user,red lionel,325,34,red lionel user jordan http www reddit com u jordan177013 utm_source share amp utm_medium ios_app amp utm_name iossmf sent suicide prevention link probably much help already created multiple post recently multiple subreddits suicide awful thing hope okay someone please help user
Sorry I'm still here,"I'm so sick of this. So sick of feeling useless and alone, so sick of never being happy or feeling ok. So sick of lying all the time and telling every one I'm fine every fucking day because I'm not at all. I constantly just feel drained and tired of everything and I rlly see no point in carrying on. No one cares and it's not like ill be missed by anyone if I just end it all. I'm sorry I'm still here. I'm sorry I'm wasting your time. I'm sorry every one has to deal with my shit when I'm a lost cause.",dont_even_ask_,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe07hn/sorry_im_still_here/,sick sick feeling useless alone sick never happy feeling ok sick lying time telling every one fine every fucking day constantly feel drained tired everything rlly see point carrying one care like ill missed anyone end sorry still sorry wasting time sorry every one ha deal shit lost cause,sorry still,dont even ask,504,20,dont even ask sick sick feeling useless alone sick never happy feeling ok sick lying time telling every one fine every fucking day constantly feel drained tired everything rlly see point carrying one care like ill missed anyone end sorry still sorry wasting time sorry every one ha deal shit lost cause sorry still
These thoughts are getting back into my mind,"I've been there once, told everyone I'd run away and never come back, take my own life because f everything. Life got better for a short while after that but it didn't take long for me to lose everything what seemed worth to me back then. Got divorced, thrown out the flat, a whole lot of lawyer bullshit, and a lot more negative thoughts. Basically haven't been truly happy since then, and as things are turning into shit again, I am feeling that these suicidal thoughts are slowly finding their way back to me. I am on meds and seeking professional help, but I still feel very lost most of the time, feels like I am failing at every little thing I do, turning away from people I adore and not being fair to them, often feels like I am being torn apart form the inside and I am very surely getting sick of it. I've been depressed for as long as I can think of, not sure if I can hold it together for much longer.

Feels like a rant, perhaps that'll help. Thank you for the attention and time.",maximum_pizza,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe06zz/these_thoughts_are_getting_back_into_my_mind/,told everyone run away never come back take life f everything life got better short take long lose everything seemed worth back got divorced thrown flat whole lot lawyer bullshit lot negative thought basically truly happy since thing turning shit feeling suicidal thought slowly finding way back med seeking professional help still feel lost time feel like failing every little thing turning away people adore fair often feel like torn apart form inside surely getting sick depressed long think sure hold together much longer feel like rant perhaps help thank attention time,thought getting back mind,maximum pizza,993,44,maximum pizza told everyone run away never come back take life f everything life got better short take long lose everything seemed worth back got divorced thrown flat whole lot lawyer bullshit lot negative thought basically truly happy since thing turning shit feeling suicidal thought slowly finding way back med seeking professional help still feel lost time feel like failing every little thing turning away people adore fair often feel like torn apart form inside surely getting sick depressed long think sure hold together much longer feel like rant perhaps help thank attention time thought getting back mind
It's too much,"I don't know how to go one anymore.

My mom stole another 1000€ from me. I'm currently living from 200€ a month. I applied for so many jobs, so many apprenticeship places. Today I got another no from a company. 
I can't take it anymore. There's so day where my family doesn't shame me for who I am.
I've been in therapy many times. It just won't get better.
I have a boyfriend, my first real one, but I'm so afraid to lose him, that he choses someone else when he gets the chance like my last dude.

I'm so lonely. Even my cat runs away from me when I cry.

Please, someone just talk to me",Fireglut,12,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdudzy/its_too_much/,know go one anymore mom stole another 1000 currently living 200 month applied many job many apprenticeship place today got another company take anymore day family shame therapy many time get better boyfriend first real one afraid lose choses someone else get chance like last dude lonely even cat run away cry please someone talk,much,fire glut,589,13,fire glut know go one anymore mom stole another 1000 currently living 200 month applied many job many apprenticeship place today got another company take anymore day family shame therapy many time get better boyfriend first real one afraid lose choses someone else get chance like last dude lonely even cat run away cry please someone talk much
My Story (depressed steroid user),"Hey. After much meditation, I decided to create this post, both as therapy for myself and to open up a forum of conversation. I am writing this right before I go to work, so I will probably edit it later. So here it goes. I apologize in advance for my rambling. 

I am currently 20 years old and a sophomore  in college. A few minutes ago I typed in “I’m eventually going to kill myself” into google trying to find some forum post to read. Lo and behold an r/suicidewatch post came up from 3 years ago, which led to me creating my reddit account to make this post.

Throughout my life so far, I have struggled from a crippling loneliness. I was mostly a loner in middle school and high school, one of those arrogant assholes who only care about grades, etc. Inside, however, I had a crippling insecurity about my body image. I have a distinct memory from when I was perhaps 10-11 of staring into the mirror and looking at my face, critiquing every last bit. To those I know, this would not make much sense as I have always been told that I am very attractive. I have never seen it, however. My phone, to this day, is filled with photos that I have taken of myself. 

Deep down, I think that my depression is mostly of a natural physiological basis. Up until I was 18 I had never even held a girl’s hand and up to now I have only kissed one (a very pretty Italian girl who left the country soon after). I have spent most of the last 2 years listening to sad songs, driving aimlessly, chain smoking, and watching movies like Her and Manchester by the Sea. Luckily enough, I do have a best friend that I met in HS who struggles with depression as well. He however, has no problem picking up girls do to his charisma that he has developed over the years as a coping mechanism. Together, we mostly drink, smoke weed, and watch “films.” I always make it a point to get drunk or high enough that my entire life, past and future, flashes before me in a sort of slideshow. 

As I write this, I have been using steroids on and off for 2.5 years. I first started after losing 25 pounds (mostly by starving myself) and then developing an ok physique. I thought that nothing else would make me attractive so I made the decision to buy Testosterone Enanthate off the darknet when I was 17. I didn’t give a shit if I died because, in my mind, there was no other way to find a girl to fill the void inside of me. Now, I am very muscular (5’10’’, 190, around 10% bf), yet my void is not filled and I don’t think it ever will be. 
I am on a solid trajectory right now and will inherit a large sum from my grandfather when I turn 25. This adds no meaning to my life, however. I see myself as a sort of Holden Caulfield or Amory Blaine (from this side of paradise). All I want to do is help people and be loved, but I have a crippling fear that I will only feel loved vicariously, by watching movies and reading books. I can’t shake the feeling that I won’t make it past 40 before I eventually kill myself. My father is currently slowly dying of alcoholism from his depression at 50 just as his father did.

Every time I think of this I am taken back to a memory from when I was a senior in HS. I had been talking to a girl for a month or two and my best friend had hid the fact that he was having sex with her. I had never felt so inadequate in my life. I drove home crying and tied my belt around the doorknob and leaned forward. Thankfully I didn’t follow through with it. This inadequacy still consumes me. I just want hope that someday these feelings will subside.",sacha--102,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe385v/my_story_depressed_steroid_user/,hey much meditation decided create post therapy open forum conversation writing right go work probably edit later go apologize advance rambling currently 20 year old sophomore college minute ago typed eventually going kill google trying find forum post read lo behold r suicidewatch post came 3 year ago led creating reddit account make post throughout life far struggled crippling loneliness wa mostly loner middle school high school one arrogant asshole care grade etc inside however crippling insecurity body image distinct memory wa perhaps 10 11 staring mirror looking face critiquing every last bit know would make much sense always told attractive never seen however phone day filled photo taken deep think depression mostly natural physiological basis wa 18 never even held girl hand kissed one pretty italian girl left country soon spent last 2 year listening sad song driving aimlessly chain smoking watching movie like manchester sea luckily enough best friend met h struggle depression well however ha problem picking girl charisma ha developed year coping mechanism together mostly drink smoke weed watch film always make point get drunk high enough entire life past future flash sort slideshow write using steroid 2 5 year first started losing 25 pound mostly starving developing ok physique thought nothing else would make attractive made decision buy testosterone enanthate darknet wa 17 give shit died mind wa way find girl fill void inside muscular 5 10 190 around 10 bf yet void filled think ever solid trajectory right inherit large sum grandfather turn 25 add meaning life however see sort holden caulfield amory blaine side paradise want help people loved crippling fear feel loved vicariously watching movie reading book shake feeling make past 40 eventually kill father currently slowly dying alcoholism depression 50 father every time think taken back memory wa senior h talking girl month two best friend hid fact wa sex never felt inadequate life drove home cry tied belt around doorknob leaned forward thankfully follow inadequacy still consumes want hope someday feeling subside,story depressed steroid user,sacha 102,3549,33,sacha 102 hey much meditation decided create post therapy open forum conversation writing right go work probably edit later go apologize advance rambling currently 20 year old sophomore college minute ago typed eventually going kill google trying find forum post read lo behold r suicidewatch post came 3 year ago led creating reddit account make post throughout life far struggled crippling loneliness wa mostly loner middle school high school one arrogant asshole care grade etc inside however crippling insecurity body image distinct memory wa perhaps 10 11 staring mirror looking face critiquing every last bit know would make much sense always told attractive never seen however phone day filled photo taken deep think depression mostly natural physiological basis wa 18 never even held girl hand kissed one pretty italian girl left country soon spent last 2 year listening sad song driving aimlessly chain smoking watching movie like manchester sea luckily enough best friend met h struggle depression well however ha problem picking girl charisma ha developed year coping mechanism together mostly drink smoke weed watch film always make point get drunk high enough entire life past future flash sort slideshow write using steroid 2 5 year first started losing 25 pound mostly starving developing ok physique thought nothing else would make attractive made decision buy testosterone enanthate darknet wa 17 give shit died mind wa way find girl fill void inside muscular 5 10 190 around 10 bf yet void filled think ever solid trajectory right inherit large sum grandfather turn 25 add meaning life however see sort holden caulfield amory blaine side paradise want help people loved crippling fear feel loved vicariously watching movie reading book shake feeling make past 40 eventually kill father currently slowly dying alcoholism depression 50 father every time think taken back memory wa senior h talking girl month two best friend hid fact wa sex never felt inadequate life drove home cry tied belt around doorknob leaned forward thankfully follow inadequacy still consumes want hope someday feeling subside story depressed steroid user
I regret coming to medical school.,"My parents were always coercive, and I was timid. It was too much for me to compete in a private high school, but my parents forced me to. I was forced to do it. And I entered medical school as my parents wanted. But I hate life that I regret every day by taking classes that I don't even want. But I don't have what I like and what I'm good at anymore. I want to get away from the life I've lived with as a puppet.",normal-med-stu,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdv5z8/i_regret_coming_to_medical_school/,parent always coercive wa timid wa much compete private high school parent forced wa forced entered medical school parent wanted hate life regret every day taking class even want like good anymore want get away life lived puppet,regret coming medical school,normal med stu,415,34,normal med stu parent always coercive wa timid wa much compete private high school parent forced wa forced entered medical school parent wanted hate life regret every day taking class even want like good anymore want get away life lived puppet regret coming medical school
"Nothing matters anymore, getting worse.","Hi..I don't know where else to go. I am devastated right now, feeling like I'm spiraling out of control, I feel so fucking numb from crying my lungs out. Even my best friend is no longer supportive, my family, parents at home are shit. I have no real friends who care, and I can't be bothered to do anything right now, I just want to sleep without waking up to see another morning. I feel so fucking pathetic and shit, I cut myself regularly now and I'm having so much fucking self pity, I'm pretending to be normal because I don't want to lose my best friend, the only person who has helped me come this far from previous suicidal attempts. But suppressing it makes it so much fucking worse I feel like nobody fucking cares, no matter how many times I shout for help. No one close to me cares.  I don't know what to do. I'm leaning towards paracetamol poisoning all over again, if I die I die, If I don't I try a different method. I just feel like absolute shit, jobless. I regret everything in my life, every fucking thing, I don't know who to trust anymore, I don't even have a fucking shoulder to lean on while crying my lungs out. Im in a LDR, from past 6 months, (not prior to that) as she's studying overseas, I can't even fucking have her hold me in her arms when I'm feeling like shit. She is the best and supportive, and my best friend but I can't hurt her by harming myself so It's a fucking struggle. I just feel so enraged and angry at everything..I can't fucking find a job due to covid-19. Sometimes it feels like If I had some money to get myself kicked off I can go near her and find a job and at least stay sane. But right now it all seems so fucking impossible I feel like I'm such a fucking mess and I just wish to fucking die right now, I feel so much burden when I inhale, I just want to die. I got no where else to go.  I am planning on consuming meds tonight I just can't do it anymore. ",mjdg25,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdv41j/nothing_matters_anymore_getting_worse/,hi know else go devastated right feeling like spiraling control feel fucking numb cry lung even best friend longer supportive family parent home shit real friend care bothered anything right want sleep without waking see another morning feel fucking pathetic shit cut regularly much fucking self pity pretending normal want lose best friend person ha helped come far previous suicidal attempt suppressing make much fucking worse feel like nobody fucking care matter many time shout help one close care know leaning towards paracetamol poisoning die die try different method feel like absolute shit jobless regret everything life every fucking thing know trust anymore even fucking shoulder lean cry lung im ldr past 6 month prior studying overseas even fucking hold arm feeling like shit best supportive best friend hurt harming fucking struggle feel enraged angry everything fucking find job due covid 19 sometimes feel like money get kicked go near find job least stay sane right seems fucking impossible feel like fucking mess wish fucking die right feel much burden inhale want die got else go planning consuming med tonight anymore,nothing matter anymore getting worse,mj g 25,1911,39,mj g 25 hi know else go devastated right feeling like spiraling control feel fucking numb cry lung even best friend longer supportive family parent home shit real friend care bothered anything right want sleep without waking see another morning feel fucking pathetic shit cut regularly much fucking self pity pretending normal want lose best friend person ha helped come far previous suicidal attempt suppressing make much fucking worse feel like nobody fucking care matter many time shout help one close care know leaning towards paracetamol poisoning die die try different method feel like absolute shit jobless regret everything life every fucking thing know trust anymore even fucking shoulder lean cry lung im ldr past 6 month prior studying overseas even fucking hold arm feeling like shit best supportive best friend hurt harming fucking struggle feel enraged angry everything fucking find job due covid 19 sometimes feel like money get kicked go near find job least stay sane right seems fucking impossible feel like fucking mess wish fucking die right feel much burden inhale want die got else go planning consuming med tonight anymore nothing matter anymore getting worse
I just need a reason not to end my life,emptypost,JebacIzSenke69,14,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdzajr/i_just_need_a_reason_not_to_end_my_life/,emptypost,need reason end life,je baci z enke 69,9,39,je baci z enke 69 emptypost need reason end life
Everything is ready I'm gonna do it,"I'll die in my old room

I'm 20 years old and its 2020. I wanted to die on my birthday, may 21 2020. But I cant last longer anymore.

I'll be homeless soon since my dad threatened to kick me out today because I'm a problem to him which he doesnt want to fix and that it's too much for him to handle.

My mom left me when I was a kid, my family deserted me, my friends stopped talking to me, my brother hates me so much and my dad wants to leave me too now. 

So

Since I'm a problem, a number, a worthless person

I'm doing myself a favor 

Since nobody wants to help me not even God or Jesus christ 

So be it",_dojibe_kara,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdz79j/everything_is_ready_im_gonna_do_it/,die old room 20 year old 2020 wanted die birthday may 21 2020 cant last longer anymore homeless soon since dad threatened kick today problem doesnt want fix much handle mom left wa kid family deserted friend stopped talking brother hate much dad want leave since problem number worthless person favor since nobody want help even god jesus christ,everything ready gonna,jibe kara,610,35,jibe kara die old room 20 year old 2020 wanted die birthday may 21 2020 cant last longer anymore homeless soon since dad threatened kick today problem doesnt want fix much handle mom left wa kid family deserted friend stopped talking brother hate much dad want leave since problem number worthless person favor since nobody want help even god jesus christ everything ready gonna
"Maybe the world is going down, maybe thats a good thing.","I’m so over it. I’m so over everything. I’ve been getting worse in my isolation, but it yields better results for the world and myself for me to be alone.

Maybe i’ll go insane, but what does it matter. 

My boyfriend does not love me, none of them ever have.

My best friend does not like me that much.

I have so much wrong with me physically and mentally, if society wasnt so accomodating to idiots like myself i’d be dead. I should be dead.

My boss thinks i’m racist because i’m terrible at communicating something. 

Once i loose that job, i’ll have to deal with my dad, who is bad enough as it is to deal with when i do have a job.

Loud noises make me panic, i dont trust anyone, i like to deprive myself of sleep.. if i was anywhere else i’d be dying slowly. Or maybe someone would of come along and put me out of my misery. 

But i dont feel complete without the misery, i dont like to inflict it on others unlike people i know, i just dont feel like myself unless i’m depressed and suffering. I feel greedy if i’m not unhappy.

I listen to everyone, but no one listens to me. When they do, i over do it because i guess i’m just selfish and thats all they see of me. So when i ever open up again, they roll their eyes and leave.

God my head hurts. 

The virus just needs to wipe me out.",Just_One_Question11,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fduxto/maybe_the_world_is_going_down_maybe_thats_a_good/,everything getting worse isolation yield better result world alone maybe go insane doe matter boyfriend doe love none ever best friend doe like much much wrong physically mentally society wasnt accomodating idiot like dead dead bos think racist terrible communicating something loose job deal dad bad enough deal job loud noise make panic dont trust anyone like deprive sleep wa anywhere else dying slowly maybe someone would come along put misery dont feel complete without misery dont like inflict others unlike people know dont feel like unless depressed suffering feel greedy unhappy listen everyone one listens guess selfish thats see ever open roll eye leave god head hurt virus need wipe,maybe world going maybe thats good thing,one question 11,1297,56,one question 11 everything getting worse isolation yield better result world alone maybe go insane doe matter boyfriend doe love none ever best friend doe like much much wrong physically mentally society wasnt accomodating idiot like dead dead bos think racist terrible communicating something loose job deal dad bad enough deal job loud noise make panic dont trust anyone like deprive sleep wa anywhere else dying slowly maybe someone would come along put misery dont feel complete without misery dont like inflict others unlike people know dont feel like unless depressed suffering feel greedy unhappy listen everyone one listens guess selfish thats see ever open roll eye leave god head hurt virus need wipe maybe world going maybe thats good thing
If death is eternal sleep and i prefer bring asleep to being awake how is suicide not the answer?,emptypost,justahumanperson0,88,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdh8am/if_death_is_eternal_sleep_and_i_prefer_bring/,emptypost,death eternal sleep prefer bring asleep awake suicide answer,human person 0,9,97,human person 0 emptypost death eternal sleep prefer bring asleep awake suicide answer
I don't know how to get better,"No one’s really gonna read this, but yeah.  
I’m 15 years old and got diagnosed with depression when I was 12. I strongly dislike talking about my ‘negative’ feelings, partially because of trauma, partially because I’m afraid people will look at me differently. When I finally did open up about it, it didn’t really go well and got immediately dragged to a doctor to see ‘what’s wrong with me’. I’m afraid to open up again.  
Once I got into therapy, literally before the second appointment I send the therapist an email saying I feel much better now and don’t need therapy, because I thought it wouldn’t work.  
I know bottling up my emotions isn’t healthy, but it’s all I’ve been doing my entire life. I do sometimes talk about it online, but that’s all, and even then, I just feel awkward and like a burden to the people that have to listen to me.   
I got held back last year because ‘I didn’t feel like going’ (which is what I told everyone) when I couldn’t get out of bed and tried really hard to not kill myself. I had my second suicide attempt that year. I didn’t want to tell anyone, like my teachers, friends or trusted ones because people know me as happy, bubbly, dumb and annoying, or something like that anyway. I feel like a fucking failure.  
I thought my mindset would change over time, but it never did. This year, I’m doing a tiny bit better, I’m less absent, but I’m still not doing great at school. It’s not really that it’s hard, I just don’t have any motivation at all. I always thought I wouldn’t make it past 15, or would just end up killing myself anyways so what’s the point?  
But I want to stay alive for some of my family and friends. So, suicide isn’t an option anymore. What will I do know? I want to live, but I have no motivation at all. It’s like everything’s just a big joke. I know I should care, but I don’t.   
Does anyone have any advice?",quackquackella,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe2oz8/i_dont_know_how_to_get_better/,one really gonna read yeah 15 year old got diagnosed depression wa 12 strongly dislike talking negative feeling partially trauma partially afraid people look differently finally open really go well got immediately dragged doctor see wrong afraid open got therapy literally second appointment send therapist email saying feel much better need therapy thought work know bottling emotion healthy entire life sometimes talk online even feel awkward like burden people listen got held back last year feel like going told everyone get bed tried really hard kill second suicide attempt year want tell anyone like teacher friend trusted one people know happy bubbly dumb annoying something like anyway feel like fucking failure thought mindset would change time never year tiny bit better le absent still great school really hard motivation always thought make past 15 would end killing anyways point want stay alive family friend suicide option anymore know want live motivation like everything big joke know care doe anyone advice,know get better,quack quack ella,1878,30,quack quack ella one really gonna read yeah 15 year old got diagnosed depression wa 12 strongly dislike talking negative feeling partially trauma partially afraid people look differently finally open really go well got immediately dragged doctor see wrong afraid open got therapy literally second appointment send therapist email saying feel much better need therapy thought work know bottling emotion healthy entire life sometimes talk online even feel awkward like burden people listen got held back last year feel like going told everyone get bed tried really hard kill second suicide attempt year want tell anyone like teacher friend trusted one people know happy bubbly dumb annoying something like anyway feel like fucking failure thought mindset would change time never year tiny bit better le absent still great school really hard motivation always thought make past 15 would end killing anyways point want stay alive family friend suicide option anymore know want live motivation like everything big joke know care doe anyone advice know get better
Well i see no more fun in this world,Nothing aint fun nomore nothing excites me nomore nothing to look foward to nomore life aint fun nomore so whats the point of staying?,Ded667,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdz4xc/well_i_see_no_more_fun_in_this_world/,nothing aint fun nomore nothing excites nomore nothing look foward nomore life aint fun nomore whats point staying,well see fun world,ded 667,134,36,ded 667 nothing aint fun nomore nothing excites nomore nothing look foward nomore life aint fun nomore whats point staying well see fun world
I went to a gun range today,"Every. Single. Time. I reloaded the magazine, I contempted doing it. It would have been so easy. My instructor wasn't evem looking at me half of the time. I'm not sure why I didn't do it. I had family with me, so that might have been it. I wasn't depressed like I usually was. But it would have been so easy. Just a quick fire into my head and it would have been over. I would gather to bet I will die in that building someday, just not today.",imstillnotok4,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe2mih/i_went_to_a_gun_range_today/,every single time reloaded magazine contempted would easy instructor evem looking half time sure family might depressed like usually wa would easy quick fire head would would gather bet die building someday today,went gun range today,im still ok 4,443,27,im still ok 4 every single time reloaded magazine contempted would easy instructor evem looking half time sure family might depressed like usually wa would easy quick fire head would would gather bet die building someday today went gun range today
I don’t want to die but I don’t know how to carry on right now,emptypost,lordofthrowaway1,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe2mds/i_dont_want_to_die_but_i_dont_know_how_to_carry/,emptypost,want die know carry right,lord throwaway 1,9,62,lord throwaway 1 emptypost want die know carry right
Advice to hold on two more weeks??,"Don't mind the grammar. I'm Dutch.

**Don't read if you are easily triggered. I don't want any of you feel bad/worse.**

Okay, some of you already start typing reasons to stay alive. Y'all are so kind for doing that. I miss kind people. Everyone leaves me 'cuz I'm depressed. And everytime I'm in my deepest point of a 'depression wave', somebody dies. Like life also tries to convince me I should kill myself.

So I heard in August I could go to a mental hospital in MARCH. So at that point it sounded so far away that I gave up and neglected myself. Cuz everyday was hell. And I was supposed to wait 6 months. **But** of course I was thankfull my psychiatrist got me on the list of the mental hospital that is specialised in autism. So I was too scared to really tell I wouldn't survive until then.

I've been severe depressed in october. Didn't really come out of my room except for diner or to go to the toilet. Selfharmed the whole day long, slept when I was tired, not on a certain time so my sleep rythm was ruined. Gained weight. Couldn't concentrate on anything. Like I was in my mind already fading away. I became sure life was giving my signs that I should die. Everything that could go wrong, DID go wrong. And in my deepest point, my grandma died. I still haven't accept it. Her death didn't feel real for days. It was on the funeral where it felt like life punched me in the head. The amount of emotions were so much that I tried to not be in the reality anymore. Thinking about an alternate life. Writing stories and imagining me in it constantly.

I think that last thing gave me a depersonalisation disorder or something. I don't know how it works and I know I can't diagnose myself. But on moments where I have a lot of emotions or when I'm a little stressed, I feel like I'm watching my body experiencing things. Like I'm the coördinator in my head watching through my eyes. I can't really talk or think cuz I feel like my body should talk or think in that situation. I'm just watching what happens and take decisions.

And then late October... I was standing on the edge of the bridge and decided to talk to an old friend, instead of jumping at that moment. (She has DID, and one of her personalities is an agressive one who made me dissociate when she wanted me to kms). You can say she's a bad influence, but she's the only one still standing by me and the only one with the same kind of humor. She has help so the thing that happened last year won't happen again.

Anyway, I became a little happier, started enjoying going outside again. I made friends in a therian community cuz I figured back in August I was a therian too. (whatever your opinion is about 'therians', pls dont post them here cuz this isnt what the post is about)

Idk why, but I knew I was going into a depressed moment again, as I was irritated everyday and selfharming again.... So I landed in the depressed wave again. Or should I say drowning? I don't enjoy anything, every food tastes boring. I can't sleep cuz I cry every damn night. I'm constantly thinking about kms. I'm even trying it, or sort of searching boundaries. Taking pills but just enough to still stay alive. Or standing on the edge of the bridge but not jump.

What triggered my to write this post, was because I heard a cat of mine has cancer and he may not survive another week. The cat that shoved his fur in my face :') so I got a little distracted in a traumatising situation which happened 2/3 years ago. (Can't talk about it now cuz PTSD flashbacks will kill me with this amount of emotions I have now) The cat that walks over my legs, jumps in my neck and demands attention when I'm crying on the floor in the middle of the night. He is like my ESA (not official one) And I'm about to lose him. I can't go through this. I can't lose the last string of the rope that I'm holding on the edge of a ravine. I feel like kms at the moment. I don't wanna die. I wanna be of this pain.

About the mental hospital in march? 18 days until an apointment to talk about practical stuff. then I have to wait another week (I guess?) to finally be there and be save from myself.

But plz give me some strenght, some advice. I know I need to hold on these last weeks, but I can't. Every minute of everyday is torture. I don't think I'll survive until then.",Ginger_Lupus,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe2ln5/advice_to_hold_on_two_more_weeks/,mind grammar dutch read easily triggered want feel bad worse okay already start typing reason stay alive kind miss kind people everyone leaf cuz depressed everytime deepest point depression wave somebody dy like life also try convince kill heard august could go mental hospital march point sounded far away gave neglected cuz everyday wa hell wa supposed wait 6 month course wa thankfull psychiatrist got list mental hospital specialised autism wa scared really tell survive severe depressed october really come room except diner go toilet selfharmed whole day long slept wa tired certain time sleep rythm wa ruined gained weight concentrate anything like wa mind already fading away became sure life wa giving sign die everything could go wrong go wrong deepest point grandma died still accept death feel real day wa funeral felt like life punched head amount emotion much tried reality anymore thinking alternate life writing story imagining constantly think last thing gave depersonalisation disorder something know work know diagnose moment lot emotion little stressed feel like watching body experiencing thing like coördinator head watching eye really talk think cuz feel like body talk think situation watching happens take decision late october wa standing edge bridge decided talk old friend instead jumping moment ha one personality agressive one made dissociate wanted km say bad influence one still standing one kind humor ha help thing happened last year happen anyway became little happier started enjoying going outside made friend therian community cuz figured back august wa therian whatever opinion therians pls dont post cuz isnt post idk knew wa going depressed moment wa irritated everyday selfharming landed depressed wave say drowning enjoy anything every food taste boring sleep cuz cry every damn night constantly thinking km even trying sort searching boundary taking pill enough still stay alive standing edge bridge jump triggered write post wa heard cat mine ha cancer may survive another week cat shoved fur face got little distracted traumatising situation happened 2 3 year ago talk cuz ptsd flashback kill amount emotion cat walk leg jump neck demand attention cry floor middle night like esa official one lose go lose last string rope holding edge ravine feel like km moment wanna die wanna pain mental hospital march 18 day apointment talk practical stuff wait another week guess finally save plz give strenght advice know need hold last week every minute everyday torture think survive,advice hold two week,ginger lupus,4309,34,ginger lupus mind grammar dutch read easily triggered want feel bad worse okay already start typing reason stay alive kind miss kind people everyone leaf cuz depressed everytime deepest point depression wave somebody dy like life also try convince kill heard august could go mental hospital march point sounded far away gave neglected cuz everyday wa hell wa supposed wait 6 month course wa thankfull psychiatrist got list mental hospital specialised autism wa scared really tell survive severe depressed october really come room except diner go toilet selfharmed whole day long slept wa tired certain time sleep rythm wa ruined gained weight concentrate anything like wa mind already fading away became sure life wa giving sign die everything could go wrong go wrong deepest point grandma died still accept death feel real day wa funeral felt like life punched head amount emotion much tried reality anymore thinking alternate life writing story imagining constantly think last thing gave depersonalisation disorder something know work know diagnose moment lot emotion little stressed feel like watching body experiencing thing like coördinator head watching eye really talk think cuz feel like body talk think situation watching happens take decision late october wa standing edge bridge decided talk old friend instead jumping moment ha one personality agressive one made dissociate wanted km say bad influence one still standing one kind humor ha help thing happened last year happen anyway became little happier started enjoying going outside made friend therian community cuz figured back august wa therian whatever opinion therians pls dont post cuz isnt post idk knew wa going depressed moment wa irritated everyday selfharming landed depressed wave say drowning enjoy anything every food taste boring sleep cuz cry every damn night constantly thinking km even trying sort searching boundary taking pill enough still stay alive standing edge bridge jump triggered write post wa heard cat mine ha cancer may survive another week cat shoved fur face got little distracted traumatising situation happened 2 3 year ago talk cuz ptsd flashback kill amount emotion cat walk leg jump neck demand attention cry floor middle night like esa official one lose go lose last string rope holding edge ravine feel like km moment wanna die wanna pain mental hospital march 18 day apointment talk practical stuff wait another week guess finally save plz give strenght advice know need hold last week every minute everyday torture think survive advice hold two week
"Anyone else want someone (a loved one or friend) to just say, “You can go.”?",I don’t know why I feel the need for others to give me their approval when it comes to this. I don’t normally seek approval in other areas of my life.,Senseless_misery,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdvl9p/anyone_else_want_someone_a_loved_one_or_friend_to/,know feel need others give approval come normally seek approval area life,anyone else want someone loved one friend say go,senseless misery,150,76,senseless misery know feel need others give approval come normally seek approval area life anyone else want someone loved one friend say go
Wanna kill myself tonight.,Having suicidal thoughts the whole day now. I wanna end it tonight and slit my wrists. After being on this earth for 16 years I'm done.,idkwhatimdoing1222,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe295b/wanna_kill_myself_tonight/,suicidal thought whole day wanna end tonight slit wrist earth 16 year done,wanna kill tonight,dk im 1222,135,26,dk im 1222 suicidal thought whole day wanna end tonight slit wrist earth 16 year done wanna kill tonight
Living in a forest,"Hi. I don't want to commit suicide, but i am suicide and sensitive. I have social anxiety and i am social akward. I have lived in isolation from the world, i have no friends, bullied at school and work, bad father who beaten me and yelling at me always and now i am 21 i stay at home i am unemployed i dropped from uni. I have never have gf normall for me. I mean i fucked up everything, becouse i am weak i can't fight back. Now to the point i want to run from home tonight even my country Bulgaria, i have no money so i have to live first in forest and then i have to be homeless in another country. I will just disappear. I have no experience in living in forest so probably i will die, but i have to do it becouse here i am dying everyday and at least i will try to survive. And maybe is better for me to live outside of civilization.",ilkove,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdwml8/living_in_a_forest/,hi want commit suicide suicide sensitive social anxiety social akward lived isolation world friend bullied school work bad father beaten yelling always 21 stay home unemployed dropped uni never gf normall mean fucked everything becouse weak fight back point want run home tonight even country bulgaria money live first forest homeless another country disappear experience living forest probably die becouse dying everyday least try survive maybe better live outside civilization,living forest,ilk ove,838,18,ilk ove hi want commit suicide suicide sensitive social anxiety social akward lived isolation world friend bullied school work bad father beaten yelling always 21 stay home unemployed dropped uni never gf normall mean fucked everything becouse weak fight back point want run home tonight even country bulgaria money live first forest homeless another country disappear experience living forest probably die becouse dying everyday least try survive maybe better live outside civilization living forest
This Saturday...,"I feel like this time I won’t stop myself from going through with it. I can’t bear this pain any longer. These knots in my heart, and these twists in my stomach. Constantly feeling gutted by the very act of existence. Life is pain. It’s not worth it and I know I’m worthless. I’m a fuck up going nowhere. I don’t want to breathe I don’t want to think I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to be me. I hate myself. I loathe myself. I am a piece of shit. I am human scum and I am tired of taking up space. Fuck my life fuck this world fuck me. God hates me. The universe loves to watch me suffer. I’m down in a hole and I don’t think that I can be saved.",gandalfsdad92,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdyiuj/this_saturday/,feel like time stop going bear pain longer knot heart twist stomach constantly feeling gutted act existence life pain worth know worthless fuck going nowhere want breathe want think want feel anymore want hate loathe piece shit human scum tired taking space fuck life fuck world fuck god hate universe love watch suffer hole think saved,saturday,gandalf dad 92,657,16,gandalf dad 92 feel like time stop going bear pain longer knot heart twist stomach constantly feeling gutted act existence life pain worth know worthless fuck going nowhere want breathe want think want feel anymore want hate loathe piece shit human scum tired taking space fuck life fuck world fuck god hate universe love watch suffer hole think saved saturday
I have nowhere to go and i am extremely scared,"There’s a bad situation in my group home that i’m unable to handle and they just say live with it and i can’t leave bc my parents are sick of me. I have nowhere to go, and this situation is making me absolutely miserable. Well then if no one reacts ill probably be homeless next week. What a fcking shitshow",skkskaksnsd,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1w9a/i_have_nowhere_to_go_and_i_am_extremely_scared/,bad situation group home unable handle say live leave bc parent sick nowhere go situation making absolutely miserable well one reacts ill probably homeless next week fcking shitshow,nowhere go extremely scared,skk ska k snsd,307,46,skk ska k snsd bad situation group home unable handle say live leave bc parent sick nowhere go situation making absolutely miserable well one reacts ill probably homeless next week fcking shitshow nowhere go extremely scared
Transgender Wasted Life,"I am in my early 30s, transgender MtF and my life is in ruins.  I have no friends and I don't mean that figuratively, I mean it in a literal sense. Nobody cares about me. I used to have a decent life until some bad decisions and mistakes. I've never taken drugs or been addicted to anything (not that it matters) just trusted some of the wrong people including my parents.   


About four years ago, I moved back home to be with my sick mother. In doing so, I fucked myself over. She died about a year later and I became stuck in the middle of nowhere with no transportation and now surviving off of the 'generosity' of some very religious family.  I am living alone in a small mobile home on my family's property. I am unable to have guests. I am unable to find work because I don't have transportation and other reasons. I have severe depression and social anxiety. I have mild OCD. I haven't been able to be on hormones for the past 4 years. I am not myself.   


Please forgive the rambling nature of this post. I'm just typing as it comes to my head. I have no future. I have no viable possibility of getting out of this and starting my life over.  I live in a mobile home infested with bed bugs. I've slept on the floor for four years without even changing my sheets or blankets. I haven't had laundry detergent in four years. I wash my underwear in the bathtub. The heater has been messed up all winter so I've been freezing. I have one blanket and one sheet. No pillows after they got infested with bed bugs.   


All I've eaten for the past three years are potatoes, macaroni and cheese and balogne sandwiches. I haven't been able to even leave the house in 3 years and the last time was for my moms funeral. I can't even shave my face or legs because I haven't had razers, shaving cream or anything in three years. I haven't had face wash. I've had the same bottle of shampoo for three years. I've had four bars of soap for the past three years... My kitchen sink doesn't work, I wash my one plastic bowl in the bathroom sink.  I don't speak to anyone. I'm essentially already dead. Although I doubt I get 2000 calories a day, the type of foods I've eat have made me gain at least 30 pounds and so none of my clothes fit me. I have one pair of stretchy pajama pants and two tshirts that fit me.  It could be worse, i could be homeless so I've kept this inside for this long but I'm tired. My life is really already over. I'm exhausted. After this month, I won't have internet and I am fairly certain with nothing to do at all, no music etc, I will go insane. So I've made peace with my fate and I guess this is the last month of my life. I don't remember what happiness is. I can't even think of anything that could change my life at this point. There isn't even a dream. There just isn't a point to go on at this point.    


I feel like a failure. I feel sad and hurt. I found one of my mom's journals recently, she mentions she was raped by her father when she was a kid. So that is the energy surrounding me. I'm stuck here, isolated and treated like an animal basically. If I were to die, nobody would care or probably even notice. So thats it. I can't think of anything else to say. But I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you.",wastedlife2020,19,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpwur/transgender_wasted_life/,early 30 transgender mtf life ruin friend mean figuratively mean literal sense nobody care used decent life bad decision mistake never taken drug addicted anything matter trusted wrong people including parent four year ago moved back home sick mother fucked died year later became stuck middle nowhere transportation surviving generosity religious family living alone small mobile home family property unable guest unable find work transportation reason severe depression social anxiety mild ocd able hormone past 4 year please forgive rambling nature post typing come head future viable possibility getting starting life live mobile home infested bed bug slept floor four year without even changing sheet blanket laundry detergent four year wash underwear bathtub heater ha messed winter freezing one blanket one sheet pillow got infested bed bug eaten past three year potato macaroni cheese balogne sandwich able even leave house 3 year last time wa mom funeral even shave face leg razers shaving cream anything three year face wash bottle shampoo three year four bar soap past three year kitchen sink work wash one plastic bowl bathroom sink speak anyone essentially already dead although doubt get 2000 calorie day type food eat made gain least 30 pound none clothes fit one pair stretchy pajama pant two tshirts fit could worse could homeless kept inside long tired life really already exhausted month internet fairly certain nothing music etc go insane made peace fate guess last month life remember happiness even think anything could change life point even dream point go point feel like failure feel sad hurt found one mom journal recently mention wa raped father wa kid energy surrounding stuck isolated treated like animal basically die nobody would care probably even notice thats think anything else say needed get chest thank,transgender wasted life,wasted life 2020,3246,23,wasted life 2020 early 30 transgender mtf life ruin friend mean figuratively mean literal sense nobody care used decent life bad decision mistake never taken drug addicted anything matter trusted wrong people including parent four year ago moved back home sick mother fucked died year later became stuck middle nowhere transportation surviving generosity religious family living alone small mobile home family property unable guest unable find work transportation reason severe depression social anxiety mild ocd able hormone past 4 year please forgive rambling nature post typing come head future viable possibility getting starting life live mobile home infested bed bug slept floor four year without even changing sheet blanket laundry detergent four year wash underwear bathtub heater ha messed winter freezing one blanket one sheet pillow got infested bed bug eaten past three year potato macaroni cheese balogne sandwich able even leave house 3 year last time wa mom funeral even shave face leg razers shaving cream anything three year face wash bottle shampoo three year four bar soap past three year kitchen sink work wash one plastic bowl bathroom sink speak anyone essentially already dead although doubt get 2000 calorie day type food eat made gain least 30 pound none clothes fit one pair stretchy pajama pant two tshirts fit could worse could homeless kept inside long tired life really already exhausted month internet fairly certain nothing music etc go insane made peace fate guess last month life remember happiness even think anything could change life point even dream point go point feel like failure feel sad hurt found one mom journal recently mention wa raped father wa kid energy surrounding stuck isolated treated like animal basically die nobody would care probably even notice thats think anything else say needed get chest thank transgender wasted life
I'm... thinking... bad things,"I'm tired. I can't see a purpose to still here. My mom says I was a mistake and she wanted to abort me. I grew up as a mistake. She once put out the cigarette on my knee. People say I'm a bad guy since ever. I'm ugly. I'm lonely. My job is awesome but I'm not worthy of it, as I spend my whole time procrastinating. I'm a fail, I'm a big mess.",buhrainbow,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fduzrc/im_thinking_bad_things/,tired see purpose still mom say wa mistake wanted abort grew mistake put cigarette knee people say bad guy since ever ugly lonely job awesome worthy spend whole time procrastinating fail big mess,thinking bad thing,buh rainbow,343,29,buh rainbow tired see purpose still mom say wa mistake wanted abort grew mistake put cigarette knee people say bad guy since ever ugly lonely job awesome worthy spend whole time procrastinating fail big mess thinking bad thing
The only thing keeping me alive,"I feel really worthless because The only thing keeping me alive is a video game coming out in 15 days (DOOM eternal) and it won't even last for long. I've been told to tell CAHMS if anything is bothering me but anxiety tells me no.

I'm considering jumping off the only skyscraper in my city when I finish the game because there will nothing else to make me happy. I'm just glad that there is something in the world that will make me happy, that is only for a short while though",4evverr2nd,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1mft/the_only_thing_keeping_me_alive/,feel really worthless thing keeping alive video game coming 15 day doom eternal even last long told tell cahms anything bothering anxiety tell considering jumping skyscraper city finish game nothing else make happy glad something world make happy short though,thing keeping alive,4 ev ver r 2 nd,478,31,4 ev ver r 2 nd feel really worthless thing keeping alive video game coming 15 day doom eternal even last long told tell cahms anything bothering anxiety tell considering jumping skyscraper city finish game nothing else make happy glad something world make happy short though thing keeping alive
That's it. I'm going to kill myself tomorrow,"My ""family"" destroyed my life


I'll never see the girl I like because of them and refuse to do anything about it.

Keep blaming me for everything.


I'm done",Vivid-Smile,15,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1juq/thats_it_im_going_to_kill_myself_tomorrow/,family destroyed life never see girl like refuse anything keep blaming everything done,going kill tomorrow,vivid smile,158,44,vivid smile family destroyed life never see girl like refuse anything keep blaming everything done going kill tomorrow
I’ll end it this year. I’m 99% sure.,"Life just hasn’t been enjoyable for me anymore, I did attempt hanging myself a year ago but failed. I was going to jump off a roof after that but my grandparents by a miracle called me before it to wish me a good weekend and I couldn’t bring myself to hurt them immediately after that. I was going to wait for them to die but I don’t think I can go on longer, there’s a shotgun in my house and it seems like the best getaway option. I don’t feel loved but at the same time I haven’t brought myself to end it because i’m scared i’ll hurt someone. Everything is just too much, i’m not doing it tonight but it’s going to happen this year.",alt-2905,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1jbc/ill_end_it_this_year_im_99_sure/,life enjoyable anymore attempt hanging year ago failed wa going jump roof grandparent miracle called wish good weekend bring hurt immediately wa going wait die think go longer shotgun house seems like best getaway option feel loved time brought end scared hurt someone everything much tonight going happen year,end year 99 sure,alt 2905,635,36,alt 2905 life enjoyable anymore attempt hanging year ago failed wa going jump roof grandparent miracle called wish good weekend bring hurt immediately wa going wait die think go longer shotgun house seems like best getaway option feel loved time brought end scared hurt someone everything much tonight going happen year end year 99 sure
"I'm going nowhere fast, and I'm all alone","I'm 19 and first attempted at age 7. I've basically wanted to die for most of my life. I've attempted several times since then. Most recently I was about to in august but realized just before starting that the mode i selected was physically impossible for me.

I am not in college and am unemployed and looking for a job. I've been looking for months, but I live in an isolated area and don't know how to drive so my options are nonexistant. 

When I was in school, I was active in theater and would ask my closest friends to come to my performances, and they had no desire to support me, even though they knew how much it meant to me, even though I offered to arrange a ride for them and pay for their tickets. I was always the one who had to make plans, and my best friends would frequently cancel plans on the day of. One of my best friends was still in her pajamas when I came to pick her up once, and she told me she didn't feel like going out after all and shut the door in my face. This same friend called me an hour after my 18th birthday party started already to tell me that she would rather not go. 

I haven't seen most of my friends since graduation, and most of those I have, when I run into them in public, they ignore me or pretend not to recognize me. I have a bunch of internet friends I'm close to and have known a while, but they like when I send them funny memes but they don't care about me as a person, and I don't blame them. My family doesn't really care either. They did when I was growing up because I'm the youngest, but now that I'm an adult no one gives a shit. 

My parents had a big messy divorce and the bank took the house as a result, and I had to give up my whole life and everything I've ever known to move halfway across the state with my mom. The whole experience was very traumatic and I'm plagued by horrific nightmares every night. I've been on 3 different antidepressants in the last 6 years, and not one has worked. I have a lot of health problems too, which have only worsened despite my best efforts.

I have no direction for myself. I don't want to go to college. I'm in constant pain. All I can think about is wanting to die. I beg god all the time to let me die, because i can't take it anymore, but I'm still here. What I wanted more than anything was to be in the entertainment business, but I've been refused even ensemble parts in every audition. 

I just want so badly to not wake up.",Midnightstreetlight,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1gni/im_going_nowhere_fast_and_im_all_alone/,19 first attempted age 7 basically wanted die life attempted several time since recently wa august realized starting mode selected wa physically impossible college unemployed looking job looking month live isolated area know drive option nonexistant wa school wa active theater would ask closest friend come performance desire support even though knew much meant even though offered arrange ride pay ticket wa always one make plan best friend would frequently cancel plan day one best friend wa still pajama came pick told feel like going shut door face friend called hour 18th birthday party started already tell would rather go seen friend since graduation run public ignore pretend recognize bunch internet friend close known like send funny meme care person blame family really care either wa growing youngest adult one give shit parent big messy divorce bank took house result give whole life everything ever known move halfway across state mom whole experience wa traumatic plagued horrific nightmare every night 3 different antidepressant last 6 year one ha worked lot health problem worsened despite best effort direction want go college constant pain think wanting die beg god time let die take anymore still wanted anything wa entertainment business refused even ensemble part every audition want badly wake,going nowhere fast alone,midnight streetlight,2438,41,midnight streetlight 19 first attempted age 7 basically wanted die life attempted several time since recently wa august realized starting mode selected wa physically impossible college unemployed looking job looking month live isolated area know drive option nonexistant wa school wa active theater would ask closest friend come performance desire support even though knew much meant even though offered arrange ride pay ticket wa always one make plan best friend would frequently cancel plan day one best friend wa still pajama came pick told feel like going shut door face friend called hour 18th birthday party started already tell would rather go seen friend since graduation run public ignore pretend recognize bunch internet friend close known like send funny meme care person blame family really care either wa growing youngest adult one give shit parent big messy divorce bank took house result give whole life everything ever known move halfway across state mom whole experience wa traumatic plagued horrific nightmare every night 3 different antidepressant last 6 year one ha worked lot health problem worsened despite best effort direction want go college constant pain think wanting die beg god time let die take anymore still wanted anything wa entertainment business refused even ensemble part every audition want badly wake going nowhere fast alone
Lots to live for,I have a lot to live for. I just got a promotion at work about 6 months and I am really enjoying it. And I think soon I'll get another. The guy I've been dating the last 3 years loves me and supports me in any way he can. And my family finally wants to start having a relationship again with me...so why do I still think about suicide all the time?,Vanessa4698,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1ex4/lots_to_live_for/,lot live got promotion work 6 month really enjoying think soon get another guy dating last 3 year love support way family finally want start relationship still think suicide time,lot live,vanessa 4698,348,16,vanessa 4698 lot live got promotion work 6 month really enjoying think soon get another guy dating last 3 year love support way family finally want start relationship still think suicide time lot live
I realized I don't even know who I am,"People might ask me something about myself and then I struggle to think of something, whether it be true or false. I have an intense hatred towards women but I like a very small number of them. If you want to know why I hate them, the story is gonna be an ultimately weak one.

I love fictional girls though, but not in a romantic fashion. I hate romance more than anything.",HourOldCoffee,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdxvu4/i_realized_i_dont_even_know_who_i_am/,people might ask something struggle think something whether true false intense hatred towards woman like small number want know hate story gonna ultimately weak one love fictional girl though romantic fashion hate romance anything,realized even know,hour old coffee,374,37,hour old coffee people might ask something struggle think something whether true false intense hatred towards woman like small number want know hate story gonna ultimately weak one love fictional girl though romantic fashion hate romance anything realized even know
Why should i keep pushing? Just why?,"I just can't anymore, my friend that been supporting me to this very moment, she is really kind and I am sorry for what I am about to say but I just don't see the point why shouldn't I just kill myself. I am giving up I just can't bear this anymore. The pressure is too much and I am just so tired of trying over and over and over again. Whatever I do whoever I try to ask nothing will happen. I just don't really see the point why should I keep pushing and keep trying. I haven't slept in days, didn't eat or just did anything productive like homework I have to do. I just don't really see the point right now. Why? Please tell me why? Why?! Nobody cares! My family doesn't I care! I don't have any friends! I am all alone in this! Why am I the only one that suffers! I am always the blamed one! Just... WHY. Nobody can help me. 

I am all alone in this deep shit. 
I have no idea what to do next in my life. There is no point no reason nothing matters we all are going to die so why to live in the first place?

I am sorry",lifeless_lasagna,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe1cbd/why_should_i_keep_pushing_just_why/,anymore friend supporting moment really kind sorry say see point kill giving bear anymore pressure much tired trying whatever whoever try ask nothing happen really see point keep pushing keep trying slept day eat anything productive like homework really see point right please tell nobody care family care friend alone one suffers always blamed one nobody help alone deep shit idea next life point reason nothing matter going die live first place sorry,keep pushing,lifeless lasagna,1024,36,lifeless lasagna anymore friend supporting moment really kind sorry say see point kill giving bear anymore pressure much tired trying whatever whoever try ask nothing happen really see point keep pushing keep trying slept day eat anything productive like homework really see point right please tell nobody care family care friend alone one suffers always blamed one nobody help alone deep shit idea next life point reason nothing matter going die live first place sorry keep pushing
How do I prevent suicide before it even starts?,"I am headed towards here. I constantly think of suicide, it's the lingering feeling my head that is always there. 

How do I prevent myself rn before I get here because I know by at least a couple of weeks I'll end up here.",Balmate1127,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdxss1/how_do_i_prevent_suicide_before_it_even_starts/,headed towards constantly think suicide lingering feeling head always prevent rn get know least couple week end,prevent suicide even start,bal mate 1127,223,47,bal mate 1127 headed towards constantly think suicide lingering feeling head always prevent rn get know least couple week end prevent suicide even start
Feels like a weight's sinking me down.,"No matter how much I struggle, I always end up feeling awful and get off track from pursuing my goals. I want to study physics, but in my country there's literally only one decent uni where I can study physics and have a chance of going abroad for masters and a phd. I'm kinda confident in my intelligence so I think I have a good chance of getting in, but not like this. 

Thinking feels tiring for me, so I tend to spend most of my life in a dissociative fugue state, if that makes sense? I feel anxiety when I force myself to think analytically. 

I also feel like I can't ask for help from anyone around me. I'm mostly a stoic person who's infamous for showing no outward emotion, so people mostly get amused when I'm upset, which enrages me. 

Sorry if this makes no sense, English is a secondary language for me and I have trouble expressing myself with words.",throwaway61432,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe18t1/feels_like_a_weights_sinking_me_down/,matter much struggle always end feeling awful get track pursuing goal want study physic country literally one decent uni study physic chance going abroad master phd kinda confident intelligence think good chance getting like thinking feel tiring tend spend life dissociative fugue state make sense feel anxiety force think analytically also feel like ask help anyone around mostly stoic person infamous showing outward emotion people mostly get amused upset enrages sorry make sense english secondary language trouble expressing word,feel like weight sinking,throwaway 61432,866,38,throwaway 61432 matter much struggle always end feeling awful get track pursuing goal want study physic country literally one decent uni study physic chance going abroad master phd kinda confident intelligence think good chance getting like thinking feel tiring tend spend life dissociative fugue state make sense feel anxiety force think analytically also feel like ask help anyone around mostly stoic person infamous showing outward emotion people mostly get amused upset enrages sorry make sense english secondary language trouble expressing word feel like weight sinking
How to kill myself,Im having trouble with my wife I think the best way out is to kill myself,WinterUsual4,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdumo9/how_to_kill_myself/,im trouble wife think best way kill,kill,winter usual 4,73,18,winter usual 4 im trouble wife think best way kill kill
Do you feel like nobody understands but other suicidal people?,"My close friend told me, get help. Get help. Get help. And how I could be bringing others down by even venting, so I stopped. But the last thing I want to do is talk to a stranger about my feelings or not wanting to go on, feeling hopeless, and just fed up. Because I refuse to take medication or be “committed” and the only other person who understands is my friend, who is also suicidal. 

People who don’t suffer from depression, extreme loss in life, or daily struggles don’t understand that we don’t exactly want to die, but these feelings have to.

Is it just me? Am I the only one who gets annoyed at it?",OrNawww,25,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhd1f/do_you_feel_like_nobody_understands_but_other/,close friend told get help get help get help could bringing others even venting stopped last thing want talk stranger feeling wanting go feeling hopeless fed refuse take medication committed person understands friend also suicidal people suffer depression extreme loss life daily struggle understand exactly want die feeling one get annoyed,feel like nobody understands suicidal people,na www,611,62,na www close friend told get help get help get help could bringing others even venting stopped last thing want talk stranger feeling wanting go feeling hopeless fed refuse take medication committed person understands friend also suicidal people suffer depression extreme loss life daily struggle understand exactly want die feeling one get annoyed feel like nobody understands suicidal people
Slitting wrist doesn't work; this is a rant. advice on what's good about living?,"I tried it last week, it didn't work AT ALL. Media is a scam. I think for it to work it's gotta be super deep and you gotta bleed for a long while before anything starts to happen.

... My ideal has always been carbon monoxide, but idk how to make that work. Isn't it dangerous (lol) if the house catches on fire if I'm just burning firewood or something in a bucket in a carpeted room? (recommendations?)

But in the process of thinking I was going to die, I did not regret anything at all and even felt peaceful for the first time in a long while. I think it's a good choice for me personally so I need to figure out the CO plan. However, I cut my wrist on a whim and know rationally that I am young and have family and people who I know will be disappointed/devasted if I take my life, so I need to wait until I'm older so that, to put it morbidly, at least my immediate family dies of natural causes first. But it's still very saddening to live, especially knowing death comes so easily (despite my strong survival instincts).

***What do you like about living?***

I'm looking for little things such as ""some beds are very comfortable,"" because ""things will get better"" is the stupidest BS I never want to hear again. Therapy/social workers are also just normal people anyways so don't tell me there's help either. Or share a funny joke. I once called crisis line for a funny joke the lady was like ""wat? wat? do you want to tell me ur problems?""

Hell no. If I talk about my problems I'll just be reminded of them again and get even sadder than I originally needed to me. It makes the problems seem worse than they are.",zukizuni,14,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdxeij/slitting_wrist_doesnt_work_this_is_a_rant_advice/,tried last week work medium scam think work gotta super deep gotta bleed long anything start happen ideal ha always carbon monoxide idk make work dangerous lol house catch fire burning firewood something bucket carpeted room recommendation process thinking wa going die regret anything even felt peaceful first time long think good choice personally need figure co plan however cut wrist whim know rationally young family people know disappointed devasted take life need wait older put morbidly least immediate family dy natural cause first still saddening live especially knowing death come easily despite strong survival instinct like living looking little thing bed comfortable thing get better stupidest b never want hear therapy social worker also normal people anyways tell help either share funny joke called crisis line funny joke lady wa like wat wat want tell ur problem hell talk problem reminded get even sadder originally needed make problem seem worse,slitting wrist work rant advice good living,zuki zuni,1625,80,zuki zuni tried last week work medium scam think work gotta super deep gotta bleed long anything start happen ideal ha always carbon monoxide idk make work dangerous lol house catch fire burning firewood something bucket carpeted room recommendation process thinking wa going die regret anything even felt peaceful first time long think good choice personally need figure co plan however cut wrist whim know rationally young family people know disappointed devasted take life need wait older put morbidly least immediate family dy natural cause first still saddening live especially knowing death come easily despite strong survival instinct like living looking little thing bed comfortable thing get better stupidest b never want hear therapy social worker also normal people anyways tell help either share funny joke called crisis line funny joke lady wa like wat wat want tell ur problem hell talk problem reminded get even sadder originally needed make problem seem worse slitting wrist work rant advice good living
I want to disappear. Everybody just goes right against me. I want to just... Have finally peace. I dont even know why is that anymore. I must have forgotten. Or I dont want to remember,emptypost,yesiamaslav,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe0w9v/i_want_to_disappear_everybody_just_goes_right/,emptypost,want disappear everybody go right want finally peace dont even know anymore must forgotten dont want remember,yes iam slav,9,184,yes iam slav emptypost want disappear everybody go right want finally peace dont even know anymore must forgotten dont want remember
About to be homeless,"26 y/o male living in KC MO. Lost my package handler job in February for being too damn slow at it. Been living at my brother's apartment, but he's throwing me out since I can't make rent anymore. I have 3 dollars and some change, a ps4 and the phone I'm typing this with and that's it. I have nowhere to go. I have no friends whatsoever, and no family that will even give me the time of day. No degrees or certifications. My credit is terrible and I'm several grand in debt. I'm probably gonna spend my last $3 on a steel reserve so that killing myself doesn't hurt as much. Fuck this life. Fuck people. And fuck me for being such a useless piece of shit that never succeeded at anything in life.",just_a_throwaway93,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe0vyt/about_to_be_homeless/,26 male living kc mo lost package handler job february damn slow living brother apartment throwing since make rent anymore 3 dollar change ps4 phone typing nowhere go friend whatsoever family even give time day degree certification credit terrible several grand debt probably gonna spend last 3 steel reserve killing hurt much fuck life fuck people fuck useless piece shit never succeeded anything life,homeless,throwaway 93,697,20,throwaway 93 26 male living kc mo lost package handler job february damn slow living brother apartment throwing since make rent anymore 3 dollar change ps4 phone typing nowhere go friend whatsoever family even give time day degree certification credit terrible several grand debt probably gonna spend last 3 steel reserve killing hurt much fuck life fuck people fuck useless piece shit never succeeded anything life homeless
My Last Week On Earth,"The reasons why:
- Severe depression. No cure and never getting better.
- 30 year old virgin. Still don't know how to make friends or talk to girls.
- Not able to focus myself and get into the field I want...so stuck at crappy jobs.
- About to be fired from crappy job #9 for being late too much. (Late almost every day cause I can't sleep nd can't get myself out of bed in the morning)
- Massive debt due to school loans, car repairs, and me being stupid.
- Bank account at $-111. Could have afforded the make the account positive today if the bank would waive the fees one more day. But they won't so I can't.

Basically I can't manage time, money, sleep, or a social life. So I'm calling it here...game over.

I get paid Friday.
Going to buy a gun.
Gonna make sure my cat has plenty of food and water, and someone to take her when I'm gone.
Treat myself to whatever I want for the best last meal i can afford.
Going to get drunk as hell.
And end it all.

The End.
Fade to black.
No more pain.",Starrider420,19,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdj5m7/my_last_week_on_earth/,reason severe depression cure never getting better 30 year old virgin still know make friend talk girl able focus get field want stuck crappy job fired crappy job 9 late much late almost every day cause sleep nd get bed morning massive debt due school loan car repair stupid bank account 111 could afforded make account positive today bank would waive fee one day basically manage time money sleep social life calling game get paid friday going buy gun gonna make sure cat ha plenty food water someone take gone treat whatever want best last meal afford going get drunk hell end end fade black pain,last week earth,star rider 420,995,21,star rider 420 reason severe depression cure never getting better 30 year old virgin still know make friend talk girl able focus get field want stuck crappy job fired crappy job 9 late much late almost every day cause sleep nd get bed morning massive debt due school loan car repair stupid bank account 111 could afforded make account positive today bank would waive fee one day basically manage time money sleep social life calling game get paid friday going buy gun gonna make sure cat ha plenty food water someone take gone treat whatever want best last meal afford going get drunk hell end end fade black pain last week earth
I dont know if its worth the read but this is my life this is how i feel and if you do read it can you answer the question at the end. thank you,"I'm writing this because I've just once again thought about killing myself but this isn’t even within the first 100 times I have thought of suicide from a young age I’d say roughly around age 11-12 I first thought of just ending it I even remember how I sat at a window ledge looked down and just bathed in the moment before climbing back down with tears coming down my face because I wasn’t strong enough to. 

Wow… well I bet that sounded crazy I wasn’t strong enough to kill myself a direct contradiction of what strength is but a las I and any other who has felt how I feel will relate. 

So about me, of course you must be wondering how did he get this fucked up what has happened. Well im going to let you all know just in case once day I do get my strength. I am one of 10 children slotting in at number 7, I have been emotionally and physically abused by those who were supposed to nourish me. Here’s whats different though so not only did they make my life hell they controlled my life where I was and what I was doing to the extent that I couldn’t even make my own decisions on the little things and still cant. 

Thing’s I have been beaten for just so you get the vibe

·  As a child I would pee in my sleep so I would be woken up by a belt hitting my body

·  As all kids do I would fall asleep on the sofa watching tv, so I would be woken up with a belt hitting my body

·  I once told my dad there was no point in doing something AGAIN because nothing was good enough for him… to which I was beaten with a metal pole until I could no longer use my arms to defend my self and just took blows to the head dripping blood all over the house.

**To summarise I have been fucked up.**

But im trying to figure out how and when this all started at what point did I become the person I am now (Afraid ,insecure ,manipulative and untrustworthy). I give myself these attributes because that’s all I really am. I am afraid of the world horrified possibly I have ran out of classes (IN FUCKING UNI) because I felt as if everyone was looking on me I have this crippling feeling that everyone is always looking at me. Insecure lol I don’t even know what to say I have deleted everything on my social media’s multiple times purely because the anxiety of someone giving a fuck enough to look at them and then the possibility of them finding my pictures funny gives me so much anxiety that I’d prefer them not be there. Am I manipulative yes, but I don’t understand how one can not be manipulative. I like to have things my way of course we all do but I know how to get it done I know how to get responses out of people or to get people to do what I want because I had to learn to. I'm one of fucking 10 children and I showed up in the middle and this wasn’t no brady bunch happy family shit this was controlling, abusive and manipulative and I guess that’s what I became, you are a product of your environment after all. I don’t really know the purpose or direction of this as I have just stopped crying again (its 2:13pm) and decided fuck it imma do this so if I do kms at least maybe one mf’er can know what I been trying to say.

So guys I think im going crazy this is a new development if you don’t mind me starting here, I sit in my room and talk to myself inside my head for hours a day full on conversations (guess this is what happens when you don’t get to train social skills). Sometime’s I cry sometimes I get so angry I don’t even know what to do and sometimes admittedly I feel straight up heart broken as if I have been done a disservice by the world and unfairly I was born into one family instead of another. I fantasize too much and I kind of sorta relate to people from Netflix series. Like Joe the stalker I get it bro you just want to feel a solid love that aint going no where and youll do anything to keep that but in turn you require a few things loyalty being one of them. Fortunately I can say I don’t relate to him with his killing (that would just be another burden in my head to drive me crazier) instead when my heart is broken people just kick the pieces to side and move on. 

Fuuuuuuck im really not good at structuring things I write.

Ok I think the logical thing to do is start with little stories from childhood and work my way to present day. 

I was born in 1998 in Africa and moved to the United Kingdom at a young age not sure how young because I don’t remember. My dad had been previously married and had 5 children from his first wife and at this time only 3 from my mum me and my 2 brothers one a year older one a year younger. It’s said that when I was born they thought I was a fucked up baby, I was going to be disabled or something of the sorts (not in a doctor said it way, but like I was born and they looked at me and said na this aint it way and little would you know my little brother was born just under 10 months later) Fantastic way to start life. So we all lived in one house when we first got to the UK (very vague memory of this shit by the way combination of what I've been told as fact and what I know to be true) So as a kid I have been described as a quiet and timid kid so quiet infact that my older brother and sister (age 12-14) (from a different mother) would pinch me or hit me to make me cry because when I would cry it was funny that I would make no noise.  I was also a huge fan of lion king asking them to watch it multiple times a day with me, everyday. We then moved a couple times memory all blurry and we arrived at the next destination that I remember. We lived in a flat in a small town in England for a couple years, my memories of this place are my   constantly injuring himself severly by playing out, dbz, Toonami, vegeta and ps2. I was a normal kid but I would get fucked up by my dad. (btw im around 4-6 years old) I still remember the time I was called downstairs just to be beaten I think for drawing a rude picture that was discovered after I had just been beaten. Boom boom not too much going on just the entrance to a life of suffering but not too much tbh.  


We then moved to a council house elsewhere just kids and mum because dad had decided its stressful to live with people so he’d rather pay 1k+ rent elsewhere for his own place then help his family. These years weren’t too bad though if anything they were my favourite because he wasn’t around it was just us 3 years in that place from year 2- year 5. He would still drive down though on occasion just to hit us and then return to his home on the flip side of the uk. This was fantastic for my personal growth of course as I learnt that being a father means coming over shouting and arguing with your wife, beating your children and then cutting. And by beating I mean sure we were between ages 7/8-10 but he would hit us with all he had leave belt marks for days all over my body. To the extent the neighbour’s would hear us screaming and would then mock us the next day as we walked to school. He then thought that we were becoming bad children (at the time me and all my siblings were top in our classes thanks to our mum keeping us up to study with her , as well as this at this age we started being forced to go to mosque mon- fri (5-7) and then over the weekends we would go to Arabic school and if we were at home we would play outside in the park so I don’t know how bad we could of really been but who knows.(she was in college so while she did her homework she helped us with ours)). Actually with that being said I would steal from my mum not a lot and not everyday but a pound or 2 here and there just because everyone else in school could afford to buy things like sweets and toys and I would never be able to join in because I had none. I would come home from school and mums not in so id have to sit outside the house for a couple hours people would walk by but I had no friends house to go to like my brothers so I would just sit at the door and wait. My life has been hell maybe its easy from an outside view to say naa aint that bad but try live it everyday you come home aint no body even in, by the time everyone does get in its all at once no time for you and mum to talk no dad asking how was school bruh go to  sleep. To summarize though I was studying everyday 7 days a week and still being beaten along with my brothers but I had a newly born sister and it was time for the move to the big city so fuck it maybe its about to get better.Bruh I forgot and now remembered this nigga would look all 3 of us in the garage for whole days just because and the punishment for leaving would be you get beat and thrown back in there. Think about the mentally how much that would fuck you up you aint even fucking 10 yet.

When we first got to this new city we were quick to discover its rough out there day one we were robbed. They were no more parks we could just go to play at so now I became and indoors kid. To go along with that now my dad didn’t live too far away he was only in the neighbouring town so instead of monthly “visits” it was now weekly. Fair enough to say within a year I had put on I don’t know 10 maybe 15kg I was fat af going into year 7 but in year 6 I was a very thin framed kid. I was depressed and I'm not sure if I knew it but my life consisted of go to school and be bullied to come home and be beaten not knowing where my safe place was I chose solitude I learnt out of sight out of mind (didn’t even work all the time but nigga I tried) My mum became pregnant again… (this was not necessary but I've grown to love the child) so now they are soon to be 5 kids and none of which already receive and adequate amount of love. Just to further paint the character of my father he beat my younger sister who was at the time maybe 3/4 because she took and hid his phone (later revealed he left it in his jacket pocket) NO APOLOGY HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN EVER IN HISTORY FOR A MISTAKEN BEATING. We spent little time in that house but what do ire member being dragged from under a bed to be beaten and being beaten nearly every morning without fail for 1/2  years for bed wetting (punches were not pulled).   


We moved again after same sort of thing really he’d show up for a few days fuck up everyones mood and cut no one wanted him around but no body would say because everyone was afraid of getting beat again. This is the house I lived in when I decided ahh man maybe this life thing isn’t for me went and sat at the window ledge in my room 3rd floor looking down and wished I could just let go. We would be locked in the attic this time the door is genuinely locked we couldn’t get out if we wanted room was what 3x4 meters storage room basically and 3 of us had been locked in there for the whole day. Living in such circumstances created bitch nigga behaviour amongst us as brothers because the beatings were bad you did not want to be beaten it would fuck your whole shit up. So niggas started snitching bruh my own brother came in my room while I was learning to beat my meat took my phone took pictures of what I was watching and then showed everyone while I was sat in the living room… I was then promptly beaten. This the environment I grew up in even in your own fucking room you couldn’t do shit you couldn’t trust nobody and you were very likely going to be fucked up for anything you did. This could include but was not limited to holding your brothers hand while fighting… (that’s gay apparently so you would be beaten). Defending yourself to your parents (Its rude to speak back so I was beaten), Not speaking (its rude to not speak when spoken to so I was beaten). Finishing the milk bruh imagine your 12 year old hungry self wanted some cereal finished it and then gone beaten for it that was my fucking life. Id go to school this fat unloved ugly kid, (I think this is a good time to point out I went to a bad school in a white neighbour hood and as we all know aint nothing scarier than poor white people jk…) but those guys were harsh to me day one of highschool I had a fight why because I was being racially abused, I was constantly racially abused I was not even accepted by my own race because I wasn’t black enough (I am quarter white 3 quated black so skin color dark brown meant I was a paki, I was an Indian I was a terrorist osama bin laden was my uncle so on and so forth) aint no body ever gave a shit about me not a single teacher not no body. And this is where things get fucked up for me this when I started doing dumb shit I started being a prick to my friends not fully understanding what was even going on but just thinking out of I gotta cover my back I gotta make sure I aint no punk but in reality it made me into a punk. But ill get to that later. I still remember everything nice people have ever said to me that I felt was said genuinely though, once the most popular kid in school told me to not let anyone pick on me and just tell them im not Asian although I had tried both I felt his sincerity and very much appreciated it and still think about it to this day. 

I wanna fast forward now to year 11 when shit really hits the fan, I moved to a school which was mixed gender (years 7-10 I was in a boy school) and the introduction of women had definitely caught my eyes (hadn’t seen them in many years since everyday was school mosque home runescape repeat maaaaaaaaaan FUCK THAT SHIT that’s the worst childhood and to make it better slide a couple hundred beatings in over those 3 years and now you might be beginning to get a grasp on who I am as a person. Of course they are little moments when things workout but not really. To summarise I was in love or atleast I felt like I was I did horribly on my exams which at the time I accreted to me just focusing my time on her and not myself and that started the downwards spiral. My little brother told my parents I wasn’t fasting at prom (I have not ever fasted a day since, pretty sure I gave up on religion a long time ago but that’s its own thing) and I was beaten then locked in the house so I could not attend my final meeting for NCS (I had saved up my 5 a week for 10 weeks to pay the 50 to go and now I just couldn’t imagine that feeling I was going to finally be away from this whole home all summer and now I couldn’t why because my dad who had now moved in full time had decided to spite me).  


The summer of finishing high school of enjoyment had arrived my plans to be with my friends had been put to a halt. My plans of going to a top 3 college in the city had been put to a halt. My summer was instead me just sitting in my room everyday the whole summer alone not talking to anyone for multiple days at a time. This is when my solitude became serious I became an awkward nervous rek after this I couldn’t even talk to people properly without overthinking everything id say if summer was 10 days long I was beaten on 6/7 days as well so yh torture house and to make it better I had no friends because we moved so fucking much I didn’t know a single person and couldn’t get to know them because we lived in a jewish neighbour hood and if you’ve ever lived in one as the only black muslim family you aint going to have no friend. But yh returned to college and it was ok except for everyday I would come home and be locked out of my house everyday without fail my dad would sit in the kitchen looking out the window and laugh at me having nowhere else to go so I would sit in the gardens storage cupboard nothing much at all probably just a big wardrobe but It was dry. I would then go to college and repeat this process day by day mentally exhausting my self little by little more once again through in beatings on.4 out of every 10 days and you have the image of what my first year of college was like. My parents decided as a family we should read the quran together (muslim people book not all of it like a page each a day) so I read my page and left and while I was goning upstairs I heard him talking about me so I decided ah im probably going to be beaten let me stay here and wait so I did and soon enough I heard him say “why did he read that page, he read that a few days ago hes looking for the easy ones” so my mum said “ill call him back down and he can read again”, I was called “….. come downstairs and read again” and I replied “Whats the point nothing I do is good enough for him anyway” to which he responded by walking into the kitchen getting a metal pole and coming to hit me with it. The best bit for him it was a detached house so no one could even hear my screams. At first I tried to block with my left arm and then I just couldn’t hold it up anymore so I switched to the right and the same happened so then I was just lying there being beaten by my dad with a metal pole bleeding all over the floor from my head and when he thought he was done he left. This day is the day I lost my shit as soon as I could stand I went and grabbed a knife but was stopped by my mother (I always found it funny how she would always come to stop me but never him). I then called the police when they arrived they was so much blood on the ground floor corridor that she threw shoes over to hide it because it could not be cleaned while he sat there on the sofa smug knowing he had gotten away with it my mum had hidden me from the police and that was that another great day in the life. 

I had become sick of it and told my mum I do not care what she thinks I am tired and I am leaving I will go to foster care if I must but I am not dealing with this shit anymore (I don’t know if its important but I was also 17 without a phone or laptop or any communication with the outside world, if I was in my room all day I was playing badminton against the wall staring at the ceiling or creating fantasies in my mind to rescue me from where I was currently) I told her ill get a job (just received ni number) ill figure it out for myself and what did she do?

She said nothing for maybe a month and then we were moving house so she came in one morning and just told me we are moving pack up so I did thinking we are moving away from that cunt and she had chosen me her son over her manipulative controlling abusive husband… Instead she had rented another place and just dropped me off there would come round maybe every month or 2 for an hour or so and that was my life. Now I was completely secluded and this was the first time I actually tried to kill myself I had a panic attack the anxiety just got to me I took all my sleeping pills at once and boom I woke up the next day… they were all fucking natural herbal things and they couldn’t do shit. Bummer I know. She still doesn’t know about this I continued thinking about killing my self shit I never stopped from that first time till now but It was just thoughts and ideas I had finally tried to and failed. Instead I started smoking weed which would help sometimes but other times like I learnt the hardway it would make me think about my life and whats actually happened and compare it to my peers around me and I would breakdown crying. My life has no direction, I have no family around me (which is ironic in a family of 13(3 parents 10 kids))because we had all been tormented soo much we didn’t know to look out for eachother we had to look out for our selves first. This is why im selfish I cant afford to not be because if im not my own number 1 In terms of in a greedy way like If I don’t look out for ME first no one else will. My mum then told me she didn’t want to continue paying for where I lived and I had to find somewhere else (now that I was 18/19) which is a real bitch because if I had just done what I wanted to years back and left this family of suffering I would have been alright but instead now im going to college everyday thinking about where tf am I going to live. So I dropped out of college to work, I ended up returning to college having to restart living in a city different to the one I studied in working night shifts to then go straight in to class but I figured it out. Got to uni and guess what I don’t know what the fuck is going on. 

Everyone is social and I don’t know how to socialise sometimes I feel as though I stand out so badly that im just not supposed to be there im surrounded by people who life has blessed people who have seen the world people whos parents love them soo much that they even come to watch them train at uni. In my whole fucking life there has never been a single thing I've done which I can say I looked into the crowd and had a single person there to support me. Instead I have been told to dream is free, I've been told your not going to make anything with your life and you are going to be a failure. Honestly I have accepted these as truths now. I don’t even feel like myself anymore I feel stupid as if i took a couple too many hits to the head information doesn’t sink in properly anymore. I'm embarraced in class because everyone else knows what they are doing to some level I have no fucking idea everyone else goes home for Christmas or there family comes to visit. LOOOL my family don’t give a single fuck. I AM ALONE IN THIS WORLD TIRED DEPRESSED AND READY TO GO. I accepted death a little while back, one night I was lying in bed crying and realised I don’t have to deal with this anymore I really don’t I have accepted I will kill myself and I am just waiting for the day in which I get my final little nudge to step of the ledge.

I just want to be at peace.

I also had a girlfriend for a while she cheated on me so I stopped valuing her as a person and just kept her for the other stuff. She even got pregnant and aborted it. I'm 20.

​

Question… am I crazy for feeling like this? And if you were in my shoes do you think you would feel the same or different.",Justanotherguy988,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdx7d2/i_dont_know_if_its_worth_the_read_but_this_is_my/,writing thought killing even within first 100 time thought suicide young age say roughly around age 11 12 first thought ending even remember sat window ledge looked bathed moment climbing back tear coming face strong enough wow well bet sounded crazy strong enough kill direct contradiction strength la ha felt feel relate course must wondering get fucked ha happened well im going let know case day get strength one 10 child slotting number 7 emotionally physically abused supposed nourish whats different though make life hell controlled life wa wa extent even make decision little thing still cant thing beaten get vibe child would pee sleep would woken belt hitting body kid would fall asleep sofa watching tv would woken belt hitting body told dad wa point something nothing wa good enough wa beaten metal pole could longer use arm defend self took blow head dripping blood house summarise fucked im trying figure started point become person afraid insecure manipulative untrustworthy give attribute really afraid world horrified possibly ran class fucking uni felt everyone wa looking crippling feeling everyone always looking insecure lol even know say deleted everything social medium multiple time purely anxiety someone giving fuck enough look possibility finding picture funny give much anxiety prefer manipulative yes understand one manipulative like thing way course know get done know get response people get people want learn one fucking 10 child showed middle brady bunch happy family shit wa controlling abusive manipulative guess became product environment really know purpose direction stopped cry 2 13pm decided fuck imma km least maybe one mf er know trying say guy think im going crazy new development mind starting sit room talk inside head hour day full conversation guess happens get train social skill sometime cry sometimes get angry even know sometimes admittedly feel straight heart broken done disservice world unfairly wa born one family instead another fantasize much kind sorta relate people netflix series like joe stalker get bro want feel solid love aint going youll anything keep turn require thing loyalty one fortunately say relate killing would another burden head drive crazier instead heart broken people kick piece side move fuuuuuuck im really good structuring thing write ok think logical thing start little story childhood work way present day wa born 1998 africa moved united kingdom young age sure young remember dad previously married 5 child first wife time 3 mum 2 brother one year older one year younger said wa born thought wa fucked baby wa going disabled something sort doctor said way like wa born looked said na aint way little would know little brother wa born 10 month later fantastic way start life lived one house first got uk vague memory shit way combination told fact know true kid described quiet timid kid quiet infact older brother sister age 12 14 different mother would pinch hit make cry would cry wa funny would make noise wa also huge fan lion king asking watch multiple time day everyday moved couple time memory blurry arrived next destination remember lived flat small town england couple year memory place constantly injuring severly playing dbz toonami vegeta ps2 wa normal kid would get fucked dad btw im around 4 6 year old still remember time wa called downstairs beaten think drawing rude picture wa discovered beaten boom boom much going entrance life suffering much tbh moved council house elsewhere kid mum dad decided stressful live people rather pay 1k rent elsewhere place help family year bad though anything favourite around wa u 3 year place year 2 year 5 would still drive though occasion hit u return home flip side uk wa fantastic personal growth course learnt father mean coming shouting arguing wife beating child cutting beating mean sure age 7 8 10 would hit u leave belt mark day body extent neighbour would hear u screaming would mock u next day walked school thought becoming bad child time sibling top class thanks mum keeping u study well age started forced go mosque mon fri 5 7 weekend would go arabic school home would play outside park know bad could really know wa college homework helped u actually said would steal mum lot everyday pound 2 everyone else school could afford buy thing like sweet toy would never able join none would come home school mum id sit outside house couple hour people would walk friend house go like brother would sit door wait life ha hell maybe easy outside view say naa aint bad try live everyday come home aint body even time everyone doe get time mum talk dad asking wa school bruh go sleep summarize though wa studying everyday 7 day week still beaten along brother newly born sister wa time move big city fuck maybe get better bruh forgot remembered nigga would look 3 u garage whole day punishment leaving would get beat thrown back think mentally much would fuck aint even fucking 10 yet first got new city quick discover rough day one robbed park could go play became indoors kid go along dad live far away wa neighbouring town instead monthly visit wa weekly fair enough say within year put know 10 maybe 15kg wa fat af going year 7 year 6 wa thin framed kid wa depressed sure knew life consisted go school bullied come home beaten knowing safe place wa chose solitude learnt sight mind even work time nigga tried mum became pregnant wa necessary grown love child soon 5 kid none already receive adequate amount love paint character father beat younger sister wa time maybe 3 4 took hid phone later revealed left jacket pocket apology ha ever given ever history mistaken beating spent little time house ire member dragged bed beaten beaten nearly every morning without fail 1 2 year bed wetting punch pulled moved sort thing really show day fuck everyones mood cut one wanted around body would say everyone wa afraid getting beat house lived decided ahh man maybe life thing went sat window ledge room 3rd floor looking wished could let go would locked attic time door genuinely locked get wanted room wa 3x4 meter storage room basically 3 u locked whole day living circumstance created bitch nigga behaviour amongst u brother beating bad want beaten would fuck whole shit nigga started snitching bruh brother came room wa learning beat meat took phone took picture wa watching showed everyone wa sat living room wa promptly beaten environment grew even fucking room shit trust nobody likely going fucked anything could include wa limited holding brother hand fighting gay apparently would beaten defending parent rude speak back wa beaten speaking rude speak spoken wa beaten finishing milk bruh imagine 12 year old hungry self wanted cereal finished gone beaten wa fucking life id go school fat unloved ugly kid think good time point went bad school white neighbour hood know aint nothing scarier poor white people jk guy harsh day one highschool fight wa racially abused wa constantly racially abused wa even accepted race black enough quarter white 3 quated black skin color dark brown meant wa paki wa indian wa terrorist osama bin laden wa uncle forth aint body ever gave shit single teacher body thing get fucked started dumb shit started prick friend fully understanding wa even going thinking gotta cover back gotta make sure aint punk reality made punk ill get later still remember everything nice people ever said felt wa said genuinely though popular kid school told let anyone pick tell im asian although tried felt sincerity much appreciated still think day wanna fast forward year 11 shit really hit fan moved school wa mixed gender year 7 10 wa boy school introduction woman definitely caught eye seen many year since everyday wa school mosque home runescape repeat maaaaaaaaaan fuck shit worst childhood make better slide couple hundred beating 3 year might beginning get grasp person course little moment thing workout really summarise wa love atleast felt like wa horribly exam time accreted focusing time started downwards spiral little brother told parent fasting prom ever fasted day since pretty sure gave religion long time ago thing wa beaten locked house could attend final meeting nc saved 5 week 10 week pay 50 go imagine feeling wa going finally away whole home summer dad moved full time decided spite summer finishing high school enjoyment arrived plan friend put halt plan going top 3 college city put halt summer wa instead sitting room everyday whole summer alone talking anyone multiple day time solitude became serious became awkward nervous rek even talk people properly without overthinking everything id say summer wa 10 day long wa beaten 6 7 day well yh torture house make better friend moved fucking much know single person get know lived jewish neighbour hood ever lived one black muslim family aint going friend yh returned college wa ok except everyday would come home locked house everyday without fail dad would sit kitchen looking window laugh nowhere else go would sit garden storage cupboard nothing much probably big wardrobe wa dry would go college repeat process day day mentally exhausting self little little beating 4 every 10 day image first year college wa like parent decided family read quran together muslim people book like page day read page left wa goning upstairs heard talking decided ah im probably going beaten let stay wait soon enough heard say read page read day ago looking easy one mum said ill call back read wa called come downstairs read replied whats point nothing good enough anyway responded walking kitchen getting metal pole coming hit best bit wa detached house one could even hear scream first tried block left arm hold anymore switched right happened wa lying beaten dad metal pole bleeding floor head thought wa done left day day lost shit soon could stand went grabbed knife wa stopped mother always found funny would always come stop never called police arrived wa much blood ground floor corridor threw shoe hide could cleaned sat sofa smug knowing gotten away mum hidden police wa another great day life become sick told mum care think tired leaving go foster care must dealing shit anymore know important wa also 17 without phone laptop communication outside world wa room day wa playing badminton wall staring ceiling creating fantasy mind rescue wa currently told ill get job received ni number ill figure said nothing maybe month moving house came one morning told moving pack thinking moving away cunt chosen son manipulative controlling abusive husband instead rented another place dropped would come round maybe every month 2 hour wa life wa completely secluded wa first time actually tried kill panic attack anxiety got took sleeping pill boom woke next day fucking natural herbal thing shit bummer know still know continued thinking killing self shit never stopped first time till wa thought idea finally tried failed instead started smoking weed would help sometimes time like learnt hardway would make think life whats actually happened compare peer around would breakdown cry life ha direction family around ironic family 13 3 parent 10 kid tormented soo much know look eachother look self first im selfish cant afford im number 1 term greedy way like look first one else mum told want continue paying lived find somewhere else wa 18 19 real bitch done wanted year back left family suffering would alright instead im going college everyday thinking tf going live dropped college work ended returning college restart living city different one studied working night shift go straight class figured got uni guess know fuck going everyone social know socialise sometimes feel though stand badly im supposed im surrounded people life ha blessed people seen world people parent love soo much even come watch train uni whole fucking life ha never single thing done say looked crowd single person support instead told dream free told going make anything life going failure honestly accepted truth even feel like anymore feel stupid took couple many hit head information sink properly anymore embarraced class everyone else know level fucking idea everyone else go home christmas family come visit loool family give single fuck alone world tired depressed ready go accepted death little back one night wa lying bed cry realised deal anymore really accepted kill waiting day get final little nudge step ledge want peace also girlfriend cheated stopped valuing person kept stuff even got pregnant aborted 20 amp x200b question crazy feeling like shoe think would feel different,dont know worth read life feel read answer question end thank,another guy 988,21703,144,another guy 988 writing thought killing even within first 100 time thought suicide young age say roughly around age 11 12 first thought ending even remember sat window ledge looked bathed moment climbing back tear coming face strong enough wow well bet sounded crazy strong enough kill direct contradiction strength la ha felt feel relate course must wondering get fucked ha happened well im going let know case day get strength one 10 child slotting number 7 emotionally physically abused supposed nourish whats different though make life hell controlled life wa wa extent even make decision little thing still cant thing beaten get vibe child would pee sleep would woken belt hitting body kid would fall asleep sofa watching tv would woken belt hitting body told dad wa point something nothing wa good enough wa beaten metal pole could longer use arm defend self took blow head dripping blood house summarise fucked im trying figure started point become person afraid insecure manipulative untrustworthy give attribute really afraid world horrified possibly ran class fucking uni felt everyone wa looking crippling feeling everyone always looking insecure lol even know say deleted everything social medium multiple time purely anxiety someone giving fuck enough look possibility finding picture funny give much anxiety prefer manipulative yes understand one manipulative like thing way course know get done know get response people get people want learn one fucking 10 child showed middle brady bunch happy family shit wa controlling abusive manipulative guess became product environment really know purpose direction stopped cry 2 13pm decided fuck imma km least maybe one mf er know trying say guy think im going crazy new development mind starting sit room talk inside head hour day full conversation guess happens get train social skill sometime cry sometimes get angry even know sometimes admittedly feel straight heart broken done disservice world unfairly wa born one family instead another fantasize much kind sorta relate people netflix series like joe stalker get bro want feel solid love aint going youll anything keep turn require thing loyalty one fortunately say relate killing would another burden head drive crazier instead heart broken people kick piece side move fuuuuuuck im really good structuring thing write ok think logical thing start little story childhood work way present day wa born 1998 africa moved united kingdom young age sure young remember dad previously married 5 child first wife time 3 mum 2 brother one year older one year younger said wa born thought wa fucked baby wa going disabled something sort doctor said way like wa born looked said na aint way little would know little brother wa born 10 month later fantastic way start life lived one house first got uk vague memory shit way combination told fact know true kid described quiet timid kid quiet infact older brother sister age 12 14 different mother would pinch hit make cry would cry wa funny would make noise wa also huge fan lion king asking watch multiple time day everyday moved couple time memory blurry arrived next destination remember lived flat small town england couple year memory place constantly injuring severly playing dbz toonami vegeta ps2 wa normal kid would get fucked dad btw im around 4 6 year old still remember time wa called downstairs beaten think drawing rude picture wa discovered beaten boom boom much going entrance life suffering much tbh moved council house elsewhere kid mum dad decided stressful live people rather pay 1k rent elsewhere place help family year bad though anything favourite around wa u 3 year place year 2 year 5 would still drive though occasion hit u return home flip side uk wa fantastic personal growth course learnt father mean coming shouting arguing wife beating child cutting beating mean sure age 7 8 10 would hit u leave belt mark day body extent neighbour would hear u screaming would mock u next day walked school thought becoming bad child time sibling top class thanks mum keeping u study well age started forced go mosque mon fri 5 7 weekend would go arabic school home would play outside park know bad could really know wa college homework helped u actually said would steal mum lot everyday pound 2 everyone else school could afford buy thing like sweet toy would never able join none would come home school mum id sit outside house couple hour people would walk friend house go like brother would sit door wait life ha hell maybe easy outside view say naa aint bad try live everyday come home aint body even time everyone doe get time mum talk dad asking wa school bruh go sleep summarize though wa studying everyday 7 day week still beaten along brother newly born sister wa time move big city fuck maybe get better bruh forgot remembered nigga would look 3 u garage whole day punishment leaving would get beat thrown back think mentally much would fuck aint even fucking 10 yet first got new city quick discover rough day one robbed park could go play became indoors kid go along dad live far away wa neighbouring town instead monthly visit wa weekly fair enough say within year put know 10 maybe 15kg wa fat af going year 7 year 6 wa thin framed kid wa depressed sure knew life consisted go school bullied come home beaten knowing safe place wa chose solitude learnt sight mind even work time nigga tried mum became pregnant wa necessary grown love child soon 5 kid none already receive adequate amount love paint character father beat younger sister wa time maybe 3 4 took hid phone later revealed left jacket pocket apology ha ever given ever history mistaken beating spent little time house ire member dragged bed beaten beaten nearly every morning without fail 1 2 year bed wetting punch pulled moved sort thing really show day fuck everyones mood cut one wanted around body would say everyone wa afraid getting beat house lived decided ahh man maybe life thing went sat window ledge room 3rd floor looking wished could let go would locked attic time door genuinely locked get wanted room wa 3x4 meter storage room basically 3 u locked whole day living circumstance created bitch nigga behaviour amongst u brother beating bad want beaten would fuck whole shit nigga started snitching bruh brother came room wa learning beat meat took phone took picture wa watching showed everyone wa sat living room wa promptly beaten environment grew even fucking room shit trust nobody likely going fucked anything could include wa limited holding brother hand fighting gay apparently would beaten defending parent rude speak back wa beaten speaking rude speak spoken wa beaten finishing milk bruh imagine 12 year old hungry self wanted cereal finished gone beaten wa fucking life id go school fat unloved ugly kid think good time point went bad school white neighbour hood know aint nothing scarier poor white people jk guy harsh day one highschool fight wa racially abused wa constantly racially abused wa even accepted race black enough quarter white 3 quated black skin color dark brown meant wa paki wa indian wa terrorist osama bin laden wa uncle forth aint body ever gave shit single teacher body thing get fucked started dumb shit started prick friend fully understanding wa even going thinking gotta cover back gotta make sure aint punk reality made punk ill get later still remember everything nice people ever said felt wa said genuinely though popular kid school told let anyone pick tell im asian although tried felt sincerity much appreciated still think day wanna fast forward year 11 shit really hit fan moved school wa mixed gender year 7 10 wa boy school introduction woman definitely caught eye seen many year since everyday wa school mosque home runescape repeat maaaaaaaaaan fuck shit worst childhood make better slide couple hundred beating 3 year might beginning get grasp person course little moment thing workout really summarise wa love atleast felt like wa horribly exam time accreted focusing time started downwards spiral little brother told parent fasting prom ever fasted day since pretty sure gave religion long time ago thing wa beaten locked house could attend final meeting nc saved 5 week 10 week pay 50 go imagine feeling wa going finally away whole home summer dad moved full time decided spite summer finishing high school enjoyment arrived plan friend put halt plan going top 3 college city put halt summer wa instead sitting room everyday whole summer alone talking anyone multiple day time solitude became serious became awkward nervous rek even talk people properly without overthinking everything id say summer wa 10 day long wa beaten 6 7 day well yh torture house make better friend moved fucking much know single person get know lived jewish neighbour hood ever lived one black muslim family aint going friend yh returned college wa ok except everyday would come home locked house everyday without fail dad would sit kitchen looking window laugh nowhere else go would sit garden storage cupboard nothing much probably big wardrobe wa dry would go college repeat process day day mentally exhausting self little little beating 4 every 10 day image first year college wa like parent decided family read quran together muslim people book like page day read page left wa goning upstairs heard talking decided ah im probably going beaten let stay wait soon enough heard say read page read day ago looking easy one mum said ill call back read wa called come downstairs read replied whats point nothing good enough anyway responded walking kitchen getting metal pole coming hit best bit wa detached house one could even hear scream first tried block left arm hold anymore switched right happened wa lying beaten dad metal pole bleeding floor head thought wa done left day day lost shit soon could stand went grabbed knife wa stopped mother always found funny would always come stop never called police arrived wa much blood ground floor corridor threw shoe hide could cleaned sat sofa smug knowing gotten away mum hidden police wa another great day life become sick told mum care think tired leaving go foster care must dealing shit anymore know important wa also 17 without phone laptop communication outside world wa room day wa playing badminton wall staring ceiling creating fantasy mind rescue wa currently told ill get job received ni number ill figure said nothing maybe month moving house came one morning told moving pack thinking moving away cunt chosen son manipulative controlling abusive husband instead rented another place dropped would come round maybe every month 2 hour wa life wa completely secluded wa first time actually tried kill panic attack anxiety got took sleeping pill boom woke next day fucking natural herbal thing shit bummer know still know continued thinking killing self shit never stopped first time till wa thought idea finally tried failed instead started smoking weed would help sometimes time like learnt hardway would make think life whats actually happened compare peer around would breakdown cry life ha direction family around ironic family 13 3 parent 10 kid tormented soo much know look eachother look self first im selfish cant afford im number 1 term greedy way like look first one else mum told want continue paying lived find somewhere else wa 18 19 real bitch done wanted year back left family suffering would alright instead im going college everyday thinking tf going live dropped college work ended returning college restart living city different one studied working night shift go straight class figured got uni guess know fuck going everyone social know socialise sometimes feel though stand badly im supposed im surrounded people life ha blessed people seen world people parent love soo much even come watch train uni whole fucking life ha never single thing done say looked crowd single person support instead told dream free told going make anything life going failure honestly accepted truth even feel like anymore feel stupid took couple many hit head information sink properly anymore embarraced class everyone else know level fucking idea everyone else go home christmas family come visit loool family give single fuck alone world tired depressed ready go accepted death little back one night wa lying bed cry realised deal anymore really accepted kill waiting day get final little nudge step ledge want peace also girlfriend cheated stopped valuing person kept stuff even got pregnant aborted 20 amp x200b question crazy feeling like shoe think would feel different dont know worth read life feel read answer question end thank
I think I’m going to kill myself tonight,"I don’t really know what to right tbh

I’m a 15 year old trans guy, came out when I was like 11 and waited on the Tavistock (the uk gender clinic) for like 3 years and then once I got there they distarged me cos I don’t have any fucking friends anymore and my step dad was being a prick so that apparently means I don’t know shit about myself, we literally only had like idk 3 meetings. I had been waiting so fucking long for this. I feel so fucking dysphoric all the fucking time I hate my body so fucking much. I just want enough testosterone to at least make my voice a little deeper. And what’s pushed me to the edge is when I went out yesterday literally 5 people called me a girl and my mum and step dad have pretty much given up on calling me a boy and by my pronouns, they always call me a girl/thier daughter and use she/her. And even if I do get to transition this society is so fucking transphobic like just on fucking twitter or some shit and on every post to do with trans folks it’s always so negative like there’s a whole wave of even cis lgbt ppl hating us. Literally what’s the fucking point. I’ve already attempted suicide over this when I was 12 and camhs did absolutely nothing, no therapist or anything. I have not a single friend except for like one online friend and literally every family member that was like ‘oooh you tried to kill yourself this is so sad’ has hardly spoken to me since plus I haven’t even met half of my family and my biological dad hardly ever speaks to and keeps on arranging times for us to meet them cancelling like the only person that might actually be upset about me dying is my cat.

Anyway, I already have 2 codomsl pills with me right now and according to google I only need like 5 in one go to kill myself and there’s probably way more in the house so yeah can’t be arsed with life and I have literally ~nothing~ to live for so, goodbye",potaturtle112,19,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdno60/i_think_im_going_to_kill_myself_tonight/,really know right tbh 15 year old trans guy came wa like 11 waited tavistock uk gender clinic like 3 year got distarged co fucking friend anymore step dad wa prick apparently mean know shit literally like idk 3 meeting waiting fucking long feel fucking dysphoric fucking time hate body fucking much want enough testosterone least make voice little deeper pushed edge went yesterday literally 5 people called girl mum step dad pretty much given calling boy pronoun always call girl thier daughter use even get transition society fucking transphobic like fucking twitter shit every post trans folk always negative like whole wave even ci lgbt ppl hating u literally fucking point already attempted suicide wa 12 camhs absolutely nothing therapist anything single friend except like one online friend literally every family member wa like oooh tried kill sad ha hardly spoken since plus even met half family biological dad hardly ever speaks keep arranging time u meet cancelling like person might actually upset dying cat anyway already 2 codomsl pill right according google need like 5 one go kill probably way house yeah arsed life literally nothing live goodbye,think going kill tonight,pot turtle 112,1891,40,pot turtle 112 really know right tbh 15 year old trans guy came wa like 11 waited tavistock uk gender clinic like 3 year got distarged co fucking friend anymore step dad wa prick apparently mean know shit literally like idk 3 meeting waiting fucking long feel fucking dysphoric fucking time hate body fucking much want enough testosterone least make voice little deeper pushed edge went yesterday literally 5 people called girl mum step dad pretty much given calling boy pronoun always call girl thier daughter use even get transition society fucking transphobic like fucking twitter shit every post trans folk always negative like whole wave even ci lgbt ppl hating u literally fucking point already attempted suicide wa 12 camhs absolutely nothing therapist anything single friend except like one online friend literally every family member wa like oooh tried kill sad ha hardly spoken since plus even met half family biological dad hardly ever speaks keep arranging time u meet cancelling like person might actually upset dying cat anyway already 2 codomsl pill right according google need like 5 one go kill probably way house yeah arsed life literally nothing live goodbye think going kill tonight
"I just got fired for comments I didn’t mean to say and ended up upsetting co-workers. It was my first termination in life for that reason. As long as I have that on my conscience, then I think death is better than trying again.","I was called and told over the phone by my employer that “we have to to cut ties” because of some comments, assuming bad jokes out of recall, I wasn’t aware they upset my co-workers. My first reaction led me to punch my fist into a wall in a public area and now my mind is swirling with thoughts of candid anger. This was my first firing and I’m not processing it well. My first thought is why bother apply for other jobs when I have the reason on my conscience? Second, if I do try again, then I better embrace the bias hateful questioning about my termination. Third if I tell anyone, then I will lose everyone close to me. Fourth, if I tell my parents, I will be a shame and burden to have committed such an act. Finally, looking back, I’m tempted to end my life rather than deal with future repercussions about my termination. If you’ve been fired for first time, how did you process it?",mighty_maverick5,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe0l21/i_just_got_fired_for_comments_i_didnt_mean_to_say/,wa called told phone employer cut tie comment assuming bad joke recall aware upset co worker first reaction led punch fist wall public area mind swirling thought candid anger wa first firing processing well first thought bother apply job reason conscience second try better embrace bias hateful questioning termination third tell anyone lose everyone close fourth tell parent shame burden committed act finally looking back tempted end life rather deal future repercussion termination fired first time process,got fired comment mean say ended upsetting co worker wa first termination life reason long conscience think death better trying,mighty maverick 5,891,227,mighty maverick 5 wa called told phone employer cut tie comment assuming bad joke recall aware upset co worker first reaction led punch fist wall public area mind swirling thought candid anger wa first firing processing well first thought bother apply job reason conscience second try better embrace bias hateful questioning termination third tell anyone lose everyone close fourth tell parent shame burden committed act finally looking back tempted end life rather deal future repercussion termination fired first time process got fired comment mean say ended upsetting co worker wa first termination life reason long conscience think death better trying
Existence is boring me.,"Every day is the same. Wake up, go to college, do useless work, come home. Sometimes I have fun, but its only temporary.",homestuckintraffic,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpzvy/existence_is_boring_me/,every day wake go college useless work come home sometimes fun temporary,existence boring,home stuck traffic,120,23,home stuck traffic every day wake go college useless work come home sometimes fun temporary existence boring
I just want to have someone.,It's all I've ever wanted but it just keeps eating away at me and won't change. I just don't want to be alone anymore.,GooseNv,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe0g9v/i_just_want_to_have_someone/,ever wanted keep eating away change want alone anymore,want someone,goose nv,118,28,goose nv ever wanted keep eating away change want alone anymore want someone
trans girl looking for the bus.,"bullied at school.

assaulted while teenager.

emotionally manipulated by (ex-)gf into play-pretend raping her.

ptsd, nightmares now.

fed up of feeling unsafe all the time.

fed up of people lying to me about safety.

can't enjoy my life. can't enjoy my sexuality. can't imagine a future.

didn't even start a transition.

works unefficiently.

constantly tired.

list not exhaustive.

couldn't this just stop? where's the bus i could catch?",Quatorzine,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe0fyz/trans_girl_looking_for_the_bus/,bullied school assaulted teenager emotionally manipulated ex gf play pretend raping ptsd nightmare fed feeling unsafe time fed people lying safety enjoy life enjoy sexuality imagine future even start transition work unefficiently constantly tired list exhaustive stop bus could catch,trans girl looking bus,qu zine,443,31,qu zine bullied school assaulted teenager emotionally manipulated ex gf play pretend raping ptsd nightmare fed feeling unsafe time fed people lying safety enjoy life enjoy sexuality imagine future even start transition work unefficiently constantly tired list exhaustive stop bus could catch trans girl looking bus
Self hate etc.. blah blah,From the time i remember myself i would always think im stupid and ugly and everybody else is better. From the time i was 14-15 i would imagine how to end it all. Why is my life like this I've never done anything wrong to anyone. If reincarnation is a real thing I was a selfish  person that wanted the world now im stuck.,Lifecanbeinteresting,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe0eig/self_hate_etc_blah_blah/,time remember would always think im stupid ugly everybody else better time wa 14 15 would imagine end life like never done anything wrong anyone reincarnation real thing wa selfish person wanted world im stuck,self hate etc blah blah,life interesting,322,25,life interesting time remember would always think im stupid ugly everybody else better time wa 14 15 would imagine end life like never done anything wrong anyone reincarnation real thing wa selfish person wanted world im stuck self hate etc blah blah
Is there anyone to talk to. Want to kill myself.,Most days I feel like I want to kill my self. I find it so hard to carry on sometimes. I spoke to the well being people yesterday but it wasn't any help and it 3 months waiting to talk to some one over the phone,25hugo23,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdu2aw/is_there_anyone_to_talk_to_want_to_kill_myself/,day feel like want kill self find hard carry sometimes spoke well people yesterday help 3 month waiting talk one phone,anyone talk want kill,25 hugo 23,211,48,25 hugo 23 day feel like want kill self find hard carry sometimes spoke well people yesterday help 3 month waiting talk one phone anyone talk want kill
How do I help a friend who recently lost someone to suicide ?,One of my best friends recently lost a friend to suicide & it is rlly affecting his mental health. I never met his friend but he seemed like a great guy. I don’t think I have ever lost anyone to suicide & my friend is rlly struggling with coping with this atm & I’m worried about him. What can I do to make this easier for him ?,Bruiseviolet_,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdwr1v/how_do_i_help_a_friend_who_recently_lost_someone/,one best friend recently lost friend suicide amp rlly affecting mental health never met friend seemed like great guy think ever lost anyone suicide amp friend rlly struggling coping atm amp worried make easier,help friend recently lost someone suicide,bruise violet,340,61,bruise violet one best friend recently lost friend suicide amp rlly affecting mental health never met friend seemed like great guy think ever lost anyone suicide amp friend rlly struggling coping atm amp worried make easier help friend recently lost someone suicide
I'm going to end my life over a girl,"That's it.


I can't stand it anymore. 

It's my family's fault and they refuse to keep promises",Vivid-Smile,30,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdv0w1/im_going_to_end_my_life_over_a_girl/,stand anymore family fault refuse keep promise,going end life girl,vivid smile,96,36,vivid smile stand anymore family fault refuse keep promise going end life girl
I have began planning my sucide,"My mom says I cant work and controls my life. All I get to do is watch tv. My sis tree er gets to live a normal life. I'm practicing serving a life sentence at home.

I cant get job. I had good credit now it's getting bad. A former boyfriend said I was plotting to kill someone. Trues to.have me sent to prison. People heard. My mom wants to put a camera in my room. I think the best way to get her back is commit sucide.",Shastagurl101,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fduwtx/i_have_began_planning_my_sucide/,mom say cant work control life get watch tv si tree er get live normal life practicing serving life sentence home cant get job good credit getting bad former boyfriend said wa plotting kill someone true sent prison people heard mom want put camera room think best way get back commit sucide,began planning sucide,shasta g url 101,421,31,shasta g url 101 mom say cant work control life get watch tv si tree er get live normal life practicing serving life sentence home cant get job good credit getting bad former boyfriend said wa plotting kill someone true sent prison people heard mom want put camera room think best way get back commit sucide began planning sucide
Life sucks without money.,"It’s just constant fucking stress. I literally would rather die than deal with this for one more day. I can’t even afford my bills. I had to go on a subreddit and beg for money. Luckily someone helped me out. But that is not sustainable. I don’t know what to do anymore. I moved across the country to “start over” and all I did was put myself way behind where I was in life. I had $5000 saved up to move and it’s all gone. The job I lined up before I got here is complete shit. I only get eight hours a week. Eight fucking hours. That’s down from twenty when I first started. And I’ve applied for every fucking job in this town with no calls back. I thought I was doing something wrong until I heard other people from work talking about having the same problem. It’s a college town so every job is a competition with like 20,000 students. 

I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. I miss being able to go out and do things. Or even just handle my own problems as they come up. My snake had to go to the vet and I had to call and ask my grandparents to loan me money. Its so depressing. I just paid rent and now I have $20. That has to last until my next shift which is in like five days and in that time I have to buy cat litter and pay my electric bill. 

I’m fucking sick of life",ghostiic,35,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdjcti/life_sucks_without_money/,constant fucking stress literally would rather die deal one day even afford bill go subreddit beg money luckily someone helped sustainable know anymore moved across country start wa put way behind wa life 5000 saved move gone job lined got complete shit get eight hour week eight fucking hour twenty first started applied every fucking job town call back thought wa something wrong heard people work talking problem college town every job competition like 20 000 student know fuck anymore miss able go thing even handle problem come snake go vet call ask grandparent loan money depressing paid rent 20 ha last next shift like five day time buy cat litter pay electric bill fucking sick life,life suck without money,ghost ii c,1283,25,ghost ii c constant fucking stress literally would rather die deal one day even afford bill go subreddit beg money luckily someone helped sustainable know anymore moved across country start wa put way behind wa life 5000 saved move gone job lined got complete shit get eight hour week eight fucking hour twenty first started applied every fucking job town call back thought wa something wrong heard people work talking problem college town every job competition like 20 000 student know fuck anymore miss able go thing even handle problem come snake go vet call ask grandparent loan money depressing paid rent 20 ha last next shift like five day time buy cat litter pay electric bill fucking sick life life suck without money
I want to die,"To be honest, I'm 35 not much good has come of things. I studied hard and undertook an education degree at 25. It ended up making my mental health worse and I quit during my prac placement. I finished with a shitty Arts degree, but ended up with Honors...  It's not that I am unintelligent or incapable... In fact it shows some capability but no one is interested in what I do and I have no contacts so it makes it near impossible to get in to the job market.

I have panic disorder,  I am having panic attacks every day now (sometimes multiple times a day) which makes my life insufferable.  I have to use Xanax to maintain some what of a normal life... otherwise people think I am just lashing out at people (I'm not it's the condition). No one seems to understand anxiety, panic, and agitation. Doctors don't do shit, hospitals do even less. I've gone to hospital asking for help and am just put back out on the street.

I have been given Propranalol for anxiety. I have since told the  hospital I will swallow a whole bottle of Propanalol soon and no one cares if I do... It's the same result that I just get put back on the street even when I do ask for help.

I'm about to be made homeless and I can't support myself due to my chronic anxiety condition (panic disorder). My life sucks and there is no way to fix it.

I've suffered domestic violence and abuse in my family from the beginning until now and now I have finally had enough. I have been told to move out of the house I am living in. I have no reason to try or any interest in trying anymore.

If I will not die by Propanalol I'll simply buy barbiturates and do it once and for all properly. At this point the fear of going to prison for buying barbiturates does not bother me. I know how and where to get what I need to die... I have not got long left in this world.",Nidiocehai,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdttzo/i_want_to_die/,honest 35 much good ha come thing studied hard undertook education degree 25 ended making mental health worse quit prac placement finished shitty art degree ended honor unintelligent incapable fact show capability one interested contact make near impossible get job market panic disorder panic attack every day sometimes multiple time day make life insufferable use xanax maintain normal life otherwise people think lashing people condition one seems understand anxiety panic agitation doctor shit hospital even le gone hospital asking help put back street given propranalol anxiety since told hospital swallow whole bottle propanalol soon one care result get put back street even ask help made homeless support due chronic anxiety condition panic disorder life suck way fix suffered domestic violence abuse family beginning finally enough told move house living reason try interest trying anymore die propanalol simply buy barbiturate properly point fear going prison buying barbiturate doe bother know get need die got long left world,want die,nid ioc e hai,1833,13,nid ioc e hai honest 35 much good ha come thing studied hard undertook education degree 25 ended making mental health worse quit prac placement finished shitty art degree ended honor unintelligent incapable fact show capability one interested contact make near impossible get job market panic disorder panic attack every day sometimes multiple time day make life insufferable use xanax maintain normal life otherwise people think lashing people condition one seems understand anxiety panic agitation doctor shit hospital even le gone hospital asking help put back street given propranalol anxiety since told hospital swallow whole bottle propanalol soon one care result get put back street even ask help made homeless support due chronic anxiety condition panic disorder life suck way fix suffered domestic violence abuse family beginning finally enough told move house living reason try interest trying anymore die propanalol simply buy barbiturate properly point fear going prison buying barbiturate doe bother know get need die got long left world want die
Done,"Been suicidal for a few years and today im done. Ive been bullied since grade 1, my father used to abuse me when i was young, i was lied too by damn near everyone, lost my mom in 2018, attempted on multiple ocasions, nobody ever fucking listens to me, and im finally past my tipping point. I haven't had the thoughts for a minute now but today they came back full force and I frankly am just tired of living. Life fucking sucks and Im over it. Tonight i plan on taking my life.

EDIT: final message before I go. Since im going to go anyways, i pulled out my vape (i quit multiple times already) and started going to town. My throat now burns and I feel super weak (head rush from the nicotine) so I plan to relax, and when I can move again, grab my knife and end it all. I also have medication im going to down before i start to...attempt fully. If I live, I may (cant guarantee) re edit this post. Don't feel bad for me, I've wanted this. I ACTIVELY want this. So, thank you for taking the time to read this (though I doubt itll ever be seen) and goodbye.",HyperReflexx99,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdzvhj/done/,suicidal year today im done ive bullied since grade 1 father used abuse wa young wa lied damn near everyone lost mom 2018 attempted multiple ocasions nobody ever fucking listens im finally past tipping point thought minute today came back full force frankly tired living life fucking suck im tonight plan taking life edit final message go since im going go anyways pulled vape quit multiple time already started going town throat burn feel super weak head rush nicotine plan relax move grab knife end also medication im going start attempt fully live may cant guarantee edit post feel bad wanted actively want thank taking time read though doubt itll ever seen goodbye,done,hyper reflex x 99,1056,4,hyper reflex x 99 suicidal year today im done ive bullied since grade 1 father used abuse wa young wa lied damn near everyone lost mom 2018 attempted multiple ocasions nobody ever fucking listens im finally past tipping point thought minute today came back full force frankly tired living life fucking suck im tonight plan taking life edit final message go since im going go anyways pulled vape quit multiple time already started going town throat burn feel super weak head rush nicotine plan relax move grab knife end also medication im going start attempt fully live may cant guarantee edit post feel bad wanted actively want thank taking time read though doubt itll ever seen goodbye done
I need to talk,emptypost,tinhoks,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdzpak/i_need_to_talk/,emptypost,need talk,tin ho k,9,14,tin ho k emptypost need talk
Haha I'm too fat to die,"I tried to hang myself yesterday and the hook pulled out of the ceiling. Motherfucker, man, can my weight not fuck up everything for me for one second.",soupjan,11,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlmlt/haha_im_too_fat_to_die/,tried hang yesterday hook pulled ceiling motherfucker man weight fuck everything one second,haha fat die,soup jan,151,23,soup jan tried hang yesterday hook pulled ceiling motherfucker man weight fuck everything one second haha fat die
I really don't want to live anymore,"I've never talked about this with anyone, but I really don't want to live anymore. Because what is the point? Why am I here? I can't do anything useful in my life until I become an adult, I ruin almost everything, I cut a lot and am always worried someone will see the scars. I get confused when I see people genuinely enjoying themselves and having fun. It blows my mind. How are they so happy? How can anyone love themselves? I don't love myself. I'm fact I hate myself. Because I deserve it. What use am I to anyone? 

The answer is none. I'm not of any use. And you know why? It's because whenever I've tried to be useful I mess it up. So, what's the point? What the point of enduring an existence that I can't seem to enjoy? I haven't been diagnosed with depression, so I'm not going to claim that I have it. But, what other explanation is there? And even if that is the explanation, does it even matter? Does anything really matter?

To whoever read this all the way through, (I know this sounds cliche) thank you for reading my scattered thoughts and emotions. I hope you have a good day tomorrow.



Update: I haven't been able to talk to my mom as she's kind of having a 'quiet time' day and I don't want to bother her. I also have a question. Would it be unhealthy for her if I talk to her? She has anxiety/panic disorder and although she hasn't had a panic attack in several months I don't want to cause her too much stress. (Sorry I didn't mention this before),",YayWereAllGonnaDie,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdsrui/i_really_dont_want_to_live_anymore/,never talked anyone really want live anymore point anything useful life become adult ruin almost everything cut lot always worried someone see scar get confused see people genuinely enjoying fun blow mind happy anyone love love fact hate deserve use anyone answer none use know whenever tried useful mess point point enduring existence seem enjoy diagnosed depression going claim explanation even explanation doe even matter doe anything really matter whoever read way know sound cliche thank reading scattered thought emotion hope good day tomorrow update able talk mom kind quiet time day want bother also question would unhealthy talk ha anxiety panic disorder although panic attack several month want cause much stress sorry mention,really want live anymore,yay gonna die,1473,35,yay gonna die never talked anyone really want live anymore point anything useful life become adult ruin almost everything cut lot always worried someone see scar get confused see people genuinely enjoying fun blow mind happy anyone love love fact hate deserve use anyone answer none use know whenever tried useful mess point point enduring existence seem enjoy diagnosed depression going claim explanation even explanation doe even matter doe anything really matter whoever read way know sound cliche thank reading scattered thought emotion hope good day tomorrow update able talk mom kind quiet time day want bother also question would unhealthy talk ha anxiety panic disorder although panic attack several month want cause much stress sorry mention really want live anymore
I don't know if I can do it anymore,"So there was this girl that I've known since forever, but years ago I ended up having a major crush on her. After,  me and her started talking more and becoming close friends. We went for a few years of talking for a few months, her pushing away then a few months later texting me out of the blue and repeat. Almost 2 years ago we stared talking again and it was great. Her house every weekend doing stupid shit like watching Youtube videos, music, and Netfix till like 11 at night. We also ended up talking feelings stuff which I never do, like I'm an emotional guy, but I don't show it. But I kinda felt like I was like I was living for the weekends, that and spending time at lunch in school. Like we weren't dating, but we were super close friends and we had talked about how I felt about her, but she wasn't sure how she felt. After hanging out less and less for a few months, we graduated. That night she sent a text about how she felt and that I had pushed to much and we haven't talked since. That was about a year ago. I don't blame her, at the time I was scared of losing her and I just kept pushing. But it hasn't gotten any better I still miss her more than ever. I honestly feel like there is something wrong with me, holding on for so long, and I feel really lost not having her in my life. Part of really wants to try talking to her again, but I'm afraid that will just hurt her more than I already have. I don't want commit suicide, but I really don't want to exist. I'm lost and don't feel like its ever going to get better. None of this is her fault, I am the reason I am broken and she might be too.",HeavyCommunication0,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdz9uh/i_dont_know_if_i_can_do_it_anymore/,wa girl known since forever year ago ended major crush started talking becoming close friend went year talking month pushing away month later texting blue repeat almost 2 year ago stared talking wa great house every weekend stupid shit like watching youtube video music netfix till like 11 night also ended talking feeling stuff never like emotional guy show kinda felt like wa like wa living weekend spending time lunch school like dating super close friend talked felt sure felt hanging le le month graduated night sent text felt pushed much talked since wa year ago blame time wa scared losing kept pushing gotten better still miss ever honestly feel like something wrong holding long feel really lost life part really want try talking afraid hurt already want commit suicide really want exist lost feel like ever going get better none fault reason broken might,know anymore,heavy communication 0,1618,35,heavy communication 0 wa girl known since forever year ago ended major crush started talking becoming close friend went year talking month pushing away month later texting blue repeat almost 2 year ago stared talking wa great house every weekend stupid shit like watching youtube video music netfix till like 11 night also ended talking feeling stuff never like emotional guy show kinda felt like wa like wa living weekend spending time lunch school like dating super close friend talked felt sure felt hanging le le month graduated night sent text felt pushed much talked since wa year ago blame time wa scared losing kept pushing gotten better still miss ever honestly feel like something wrong holding long feel really lost life part really want try talking afraid hurt already want commit suicide really want exist lost feel like ever going get better none fault reason broken might know anymore
I dont want to live anymore.,"I've made a post before but i didn't read the rules so i had to delete it. I just wanna die i can't do this anymore
I just think about suicide 24/7
Don't have any friends or gf
Im lonely and constantly rejected in every place
Im feel that my existence it's not important.
Im about to kill myself",roybttynexvs6,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdz6mt/i_dont_want_to_live_anymore/,made post read rule delete wanna die anymore think suicide 24 7 friend gf im lonely constantly rejected every place im feel existence important im kill,dont want live anymore,roy bt tyne xv 6,295,28,roy bt tyne xv 6 made post read rule delete wanna die anymore think suicide 24 7 friend gf im lonely constantly rejected every place im feel existence important im kill dont want live anymore
Found a note from a girl I met in inpatient 3 years ago,"I barely knew her, but she saw me struggling and immediately came to comfort me. She wrote me on a piece of paper ways to feel better and never end up in the hospital again, along with her number if I need anything. 3 years later I want to kill myself again, I want to call her but I feel bad unloading my baggage on a random person who probably doesnt even remember I exist. I have no one else. I dont know what to do. I just cut my thighs I wanna shove the switch blade into my throat and I have no one to call besides this random girl who showed me kindness 3 years ago in a loony bin",unicorn6642,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdz699/found_a_note_from_a_girl_i_met_in_inpatient_3/,barely knew saw struggling immediately came comfort wrote piece paper way feel better never end hospital along number need anything 3 year later want kill want call feel bad unloading baggage random person probably doesnt even remember exist one else dont know cut thigh wanna shove switch blade throat one call besides random girl showed kindness 3 year ago loony bin,found note girl met inpatient 3 year ago,unicorn 6642,587,55,unicorn 6642 barely knew saw struggling immediately came comfort wrote piece paper way feel better never end hospital along number need anything 3 year later want kill want call feel bad unloading baggage random person probably doesnt even remember exist one else dont know cut thigh wanna shove switch blade throat one call besides random girl showed kindness 3 year ago loony bin found note girl met inpatient 3 year ago
I really really want to end it all,theres no point in living the monotony of life. I fucking hate this shit. I can't talk about it with anyone I know and I'm so fucking sick of life. I really just want to end it so fucking bad.,Themofrobro,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdvqd7/i_really_really_want_to_end_it_all/,point living monotony life fucking hate shit talk anyone know fucking sick life really want end fucking bad,really really want end,rob ro,192,34,rob ro point living monotony life fucking hate shit talk anyone know fucking sick life really want end fucking bad really really want end
I feel like my life is just a waste of time. Every second I'm alive is a waste of time. Nothing I do is ever enough. I will be always be worthless.,emptypost,throwaway61394,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmq9z/i_feel_like_my_life_is_just_a_waste_of_time_every/,emptypost,feel like life waste time every second alive waste time nothing ever enough always worthless,throwaway 61394,9,147,throwaway 61394 emptypost feel like life waste time every second alive waste time nothing ever enough always worthless
Really wondering why shouldn't I?,I went to a massage parlor where I'm pretty sure an unprotected act has led to me contracting HIV. I was in denial when I got flu like symptoms thinking it was the flu. In the interim I did not have sex with my partner but I think she's come down with it too. Why the fuck should I not end it right now? There is no coming back from this,throwaway14171417,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdykzt/really_wondering_why_shouldnt_i/,went massage parlor pretty sure unprotected act ha led contracting hiv wa denial got flu like symptom thinking wa flu interim sex partner think come fuck end right coming back,really wondering,throwaway 14171417,337,33,throwaway 14171417 went massage parlor pretty sure unprotected act ha led contracting hiv wa denial got flu like symptom thinking wa flu interim sex partner think come fuck end right coming back really wondering
My story - from happy to suicidal,"This all come downs to my boyfriend leaving me, in december 2019. Ive had a hard life, with a mother who was a drug addict when i was young, and a father who left when i was two. I have spent my whole childhood with my mother who became an alcoholic and have been, from when i was 8 years old, to today. Im 21. I have had all sorts of bad father figures in my life, cause my mom didnt chose the best men. Theyre all dead now. I met my bf in december 2014 (when i was 16), and he left me last december. The 5 years with him, was the best years in my life. He was my bestfriend, and my only friend. I have never been so happy. We had a dog together, which i now had to sell, cause i couldnt afford him alone. I feel like i have lost my whole world, and i now have nothing. Im very suicidal, and has been for 3 months. Ive written my notes to my family, now i just need to find the courage to do it. The memories of my ex haunts me every day. It was the best time of my life. We did everything together. He really was my ride or die. He left because he didnt have feelings for me anymore. Came out of no where. Ive told my therapist about my thoughts, but she doesent seem to take me very serious. I just wish i could stop existing. I dont want to live anymore, and everyday is a struggle. Im devasted about the fact that im gonna put my family through this, but the pain is to hudge. I dont want to be here anymore, and someday im gonna have the courage to end it. I hope so.",olifiih,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdyh4x/my_story_from_happy_to_suicidal/,come boyfriend leaving december 2019 ive hard life mother wa drug addict wa young father left wa two spent whole childhood mother became alcoholic wa 8 year old today im 21 sort bad father figure life cause mom didnt chose best men theyre dead met bf december 2014 wa 16 left last december 5 year wa best year life wa bestfriend friend never happy dog together sell cause couldnt afford alone feel like lost whole world nothing im suicidal ha 3 month ive written note family need find courage memory ex haunt every day wa best time life everything together really wa ride die left didnt feeling anymore came ive told therapist thought doesent seem take serious wish could stop existing dont want live anymore everyday struggle im devasted fact im gonna put family pain hudge dont want anymore someday im gonna courage end hope,story happy suicidal,ol ii h,1473,33,ol ii h come boyfriend leaving december 2019 ive hard life mother wa drug addict wa young father left wa two spent whole childhood mother became alcoholic wa 8 year old today im 21 sort bad father figure life cause mom didnt chose best men theyre dead met bf december 2014 wa 16 left last december 5 year wa best year life wa bestfriend friend never happy dog together sell cause couldnt afford alone feel like lost whole world nothing im suicidal ha 3 month ive written note family need find courage memory ex haunt every day wa best time life everything together really wa ride die left didnt feeling anymore came ive told therapist thought doesent seem take serious wish could stop existing dont want live anymore everyday struggle im devasted fact im gonna put family pain hudge dont want anymore someday im gonna courage end hope story happy suicidal
I've been extremely suicidal lately and my friends left a care package on my front doorstep today,"Every single night it's been so hard just to exist and breathe and I have desperately wanted to end my life. Tonight I let my dog out and I saw a package on my doorstep and it was from a couple of friends that I haven't spoken to in a couple months who were worried about me. A bunch of doctor who stuff and star trek socks, literally everything that I would love. I cried when I opened it. I become so convinced that I'm worthless and I'm horrible to be around and I stop talking with people who actually care about me. I called them instantly and they weren't even mad that I haven't talked to them in so long. I wish I could tell them how much it means to me but I'm afraid to let people know that I've been suicidal because I don't want them to be worried. 

I'm actually smiling right now, probably the happiest I've been in weeks. Sometimes I think things happen for a reason.",missmisery8,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdo1fz/ive_been_extremely_suicidal_lately_and_my_friends/,every single night hard exist breathe desperately wanted end life tonight let dog saw package doorstep wa couple friend spoken couple month worried bunch doctor stuff star trek sock literally everything would love cried opened become convinced worthless horrible around stop talking people actually care called instantly even mad talked long wish could tell much mean afraid let people know suicidal want worried actually smiling right probably happiest week sometimes think thing happen reason,extremely suicidal lately friend left care package front doorstep today,miss misery 8,882,97,miss misery 8 every single night hard exist breathe desperately wanted end life tonight let dog saw package doorstep wa couple friend spoken couple month worried bunch doctor stuff star trek sock literally everything would love cried opened become convinced worthless horrible around stop talking people actually care called instantly even mad talked long wish could tell much mean afraid let people know suicidal want worried actually smiling right probably happiest week sometimes think thing happen reason extremely suicidal lately friend left care package front doorstep today
Does anyone else feel destined to die by suicide?,"It sounds emo and cringy as hell, but I've felt this way for 8 years. Meh",RegularlyAlive,97,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8tmk/does_anyone_else_feel_destined_to_die_by_suicide/,sound emo cringy hell felt way 8 year meh,doe anyone else feel destined die suicide,regularly alive,73,49,regularly alive sound emo cringy hell felt way 8 year meh doe anyone else feel destined die suicide
"im going out for a nightwalk, not planning on coming back.",emptypost,Skullkiid_,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpxj3/im_going_out_for_a_nightwalk_not_planning_on/,emptypost,im going nightwalk planning coming back,skull kii,9,58,skull kii emptypost im going nightwalk planning coming back
I need a narrative,"These past two years have been such a letdown for how little I've gotten done. But even worse, who I thought I was turned our to be wrong. I need purpouse. I need the story of my life to, for one actually read like a story, and to have a meaning. I have absolutely no clue how to live without that emotional connection to who I am and the pride that comes with that.",RaTG13,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdy8ax/i_need_a_narrative/,past two year letdown little gotten done even worse thought wa turned wrong need purpouse need story life one actually read like story meaning absolutely clue live without emotional connection pride come,need narrative,rat g 13,366,18,rat g 13 past two year letdown little gotten done even worse thought wa turned wrong need purpouse need story life one actually read like story meaning absolutely clue live without emotional connection pride come need narrative
Last try,I’m sitting in the parking lot of my therapist’s office before my appointment. This is my last attempt at getting help before I decide to end things if I’m allowed to go home. I feel remorse that I will be leaving the people I love behind but that’s not enough for me want to be alive anymore. I’m sorry to my beloved. I’ve tried so hard.,KayyRosee,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdxrm1/last_try/,sitting parking lot therapist office appointment last attempt getting help decide end thing allowed go home feel remorse leaving people love behind enough want alive anymore sorry beloved tried hard,last try,kay rose e,338,8,kay rose e sitting parking lot therapist office appointment last attempt getting help decide end thing allowed go home feel remorse leaving people love behind enough want alive anymore sorry beloved tried hard last try
"Heres my suicide note, Is there anyone who wants to talk?","Goodbye

I wish things could have gone differently, I hate every second of life. I hate every thought that I have, every breathe that I take and every piece of my life. I don’t want to suffer for the rest of my life, but I also don’t want others to suffer for my “selfish” choice. I hated growing up, abused, everyday insults 

for something that I didnt do. I hated going home and then going back to school feeling different and separated from everyone else. I rushed life, I didnt do anything important growing up, I had amazing friends that I love and who also are the reason that I’m still here. I was always told that I didnt know 

anything, and maybe I don’t, maybe this is a foolish choice, maybe theres a hell. I feel like my life is just going into a dead end. I hate college I dont even know what I want to do with my life, I feel like im wasting my time, but at the same time I feel like Im learning more about my self but why the fuck is it 

so hard? I have a chance to go the campus therapist, but for some reason i keep hesitating to call, its like I need someone to push me, but theres not going to be anyone, its just me alone in my dorm room. I just dont want to live anymore. I feel like Im worthless, I have zero value, I need someone. I feel almost like i’m only living for others..",SithisSeraphim,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqa97/heres_my_suicide_note_is_there_anyone_who_wants/,goodbye wish thing could gone differently hate every second life hate every thought every breathe take every piece life want suffer rest life also want others suffer selfish choice hated growing abused everyday insult something didnt hated going home going back school feeling different separated everyone else rushed life didnt anything important growing amazing friend love also reason still wa always told didnt know anything maybe maybe foolish choice maybe hell feel like life going dead end hate college dont even know want life feel like im wasting time time feel like im learning self fuck hard chance go campus therapist reason keep hesitating call like need someone push going anyone alone dorm room dont want live anymore feel like im worthless zero value need someone feel almost like living others,suicide note anyone want talk,seraph,1304,57,seraph goodbye wish thing could gone differently hate every second life hate every thought every breathe take every piece life want suffer rest life also want others suffer selfish choice hated growing abused everyday insult something didnt hated going home going back school feeling different separated everyone else rushed life didnt anything important growing amazing friend love also reason still wa always told didnt know anything maybe maybe foolish choice maybe hell feel like life going dead end hate college dont even know want life feel like im wasting time time feel like im learning self fuck hard chance go campus therapist reason keep hesitating call like need someone push going anyone alone dorm room dont want live anymore feel like im worthless zero value need someone feel almost like living others suicide note anyone want talk
I’m a failure and I’m sick of it,"Not gonna lie, I feel like a fucking dumbass typing this. But I’m failing at life, really want to die, and am too embarrassed to explain to the people closest to me that I would rather die than proceed with my futile attempts at life. So here I am, on reddit, for some unknown fucking reason. I guess I just need to vent and this seems like the best place because I’m sure no one I know will look here. So here it goes

I’m 23. Live in my parents basement with an amazing girl that I really don’t deserve. Most of my life I’ve been the quiet kid. Most people were scared of me in school because of that, but I’m too much of a pussy to actually do anything. Only reason anyone would talk to me was because I played football and went to school with most of my team. 

From elementary school through middle school I was really fucking ugly. Acne was terrible, huge fucking nose, no confidence. Had like 2 encounters with girls during this time period and I was a hardcore “nice guy.” Those 2 encounters were enough for everyone to realize I’m pretty fucking retarded. So most people avoided me. High school I peaked. (and by peak I really don’t mean much. Just the time that I wasn’t absolutely pathetic) Met the girl I’m with now, got in really good shape and did pretty good in football. Managed to get fucking C’s all throughout though so I got no scholarship for college. 

After high school my parents were amazing enough to pay for my college. 5000 fucking dollars a semester for me to do average my first semester then fail calculus my second semester. After my second semester I let my father convince me that I should go to school closer to home and do electrical engineering. First semester I did average. Next semester I failed fucking Chemistry and lab. Semester after that I failed my chemistry lab again so I had to switch to Computer engineering. Semester after that I failed Pde’s. Pretty much every semester after that I’ve failed classes. Not because I’m not learning the material but because I’m so fucking lazy I don’t do half the homework. Usually my homework grades suck but my test scores are good but not good enough to keep me from failing. Every year my parents keep telling me that they are going to make me move out and pay for my own school, but they keep giving me more chances and I keep royal fucking those chances. Honestly don’t understand why they give me so many chances. 

Anyways, this year isn’t any different. Last semester I took 3 fucking classes (9 credit hours) and failed all three of my classes. Worst I’ve ever done. So this current semester I’m retaking 2 of the 3 I failed and just had to withdraw from one of them and the other I will probably get a C in. I don’t get it. I have a part time job at fucking Chili’s, I live at home, have everything going for me; don’t have to worry about expenses, amazing girlfriend, family that loves me. Yet I can’t fucking pass two fucking classes.

I’m a failure. Honestly no other explanation. I get to tell my mother that after this semester I am dropping out and moving out, therefore waisting 50,000$ of her money. Thing is, if I can’t pass two fucking classes how the fuck an I suppose to live on my own. Other thing is, I wouldn’t be on my own, my girlfriend would be with me which makes everything worse because I would be dragging her down with me. So instead of moving out I have decided I should probably just kill myself. I’ve planned it out for the most part. I have a 30-06 in my room that guarantees my death, I’ve scouted a place out where no one will be able to find my corpse. I haven’t written my goodbye letter because I’m honestly too pathetic to write one and probably won’t even leave one, I plan on depositing all of my money into an account that my girlfriend has access to so she can get out of this house as quickly as possible if need be, etc...

I know my death will negatively impact those closest too me but I’m almost positive my parents will get over it. Honestly my father has given up on me so I don’t think he’ll care much. My grandparents will be devastated but they will get over it.
Only one I’m worried about is my girlfriend. She’s about to start a new job right when I plan on killing myself and I don’t want to ruin that. I’m sure I can figure something out.

At the same time. I really don’t want to die. It still breaks my heart that I have to leave everything behind. My family has two amazing dogs that I would die for, I managed to go out with a girl way out of my league for 5 years that’s about to get a job relevant to her dream career, I have grandparents, aunts, and uncles that all seem to like me, etc...

Guess I’ll just bring a couple bottles to try and get over that heartbreak so I can pull the trigger.

Anyways, sorry to start my own fucking pity party. It was just hurting me to not say or write anything before I die since I’ve done relatively good at hiding my depression from everyone. 

Thank you for reading.",null_attempt,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdshxh/im_a_failure_and_im_sick_of_it/,gonna lie feel like fucking dumbass typing failing life really want die embarrassed explain people closest would rather die proceed futile attempt life reddit unknown fucking reason guess need vent seems like best place sure one know look go 23 live parent basement amazing girl really deserve life quiet kid people scared school much pussy actually anything reason anyone would talk wa played football went school team elementary school middle school wa really fucking ugly acne wa terrible huge fucking nose confidence like 2 encounter girl time period wa hardcore nice guy 2 encounter enough everyone realize pretty fucking retarded people avoided high school peaked peak really mean much time absolutely pathetic met girl got really good shape pretty good football managed get fucking c throughout though got scholarship college high school parent amazing enough pay college 5000 fucking dollar semester average first semester fail calculus second semester second semester let father convince go school closer home electrical engineering first semester average next semester failed fucking chemistry lab semester failed chemistry lab switch computer engineering semester failed pde pretty much every semester failed class learning material fucking lazy half homework usually homework grade suck test score good good enough keep failing every year parent keep telling going make move pay school keep giving chance keep royal fucking chance honestly understand give many chance anyways year different last semester took 3 fucking class 9 credit hour failed three class worst ever done current semester retaking 2 3 failed withdraw one probably get c get part time job fucking chili live home everything going worry expense amazing girlfriend family love yet fucking pas two fucking class failure honestly explanation get tell mother semester dropping moving therefore waisting 50 000 money thing pas two fucking class fuck suppose live thing girlfriend would make everything worse would dragging instead moving decided probably kill planned part 30 06 room guarantee death scouted place one able find corpse written goodbye letter honestly pathetic write one probably even leave one plan depositing money account girlfriend ha access get house quickly possible need etc know death negatively impact closest almost positive parent get honestly father ha given think care much grandparent devastated get one worried girlfriend start new job right plan killing want ruin sure figure something time really want die still break heart leave everything behind family ha two amazing dog would die managed go girl way league 5 year get job relevant dream career grandparent aunt uncle seem like etc guess bring couple bottle try get heartbreak pull trigger anyways sorry start fucking pity party wa hurting say write anything die since done relatively good hiding depression everyone thank reading,failure sick,null attempt,4958,32,null attempt gonna lie feel like fucking dumbass typing failing life really want die embarrassed explain people closest would rather die proceed futile attempt life reddit unknown fucking reason guess need vent seems like best place sure one know look go 23 live parent basement amazing girl really deserve life quiet kid people scared school much pussy actually anything reason anyone would talk wa played football went school team elementary school middle school wa really fucking ugly acne wa terrible huge fucking nose confidence like 2 encounter girl time period wa hardcore nice guy 2 encounter enough everyone realize pretty fucking retarded people avoided high school peaked peak really mean much time absolutely pathetic met girl got really good shape pretty good football managed get fucking c throughout though got scholarship college high school parent amazing enough pay college 5000 fucking dollar semester average first semester fail calculus second semester second semester let father convince go school closer home electrical engineering first semester average next semester failed fucking chemistry lab semester failed chemistry lab switch computer engineering semester failed pde pretty much every semester failed class learning material fucking lazy half homework usually homework grade suck test score good good enough keep failing every year parent keep telling going make move pay school keep giving chance keep royal fucking chance honestly understand give many chance anyways year different last semester took 3 fucking class 9 credit hour failed three class worst ever done current semester retaking 2 3 failed withdraw one probably get c get part time job fucking chili live home everything going worry expense amazing girlfriend family love yet fucking pas two fucking class failure honestly explanation get tell mother semester dropping moving therefore waisting 50 000 money thing pas two fucking class fuck suppose live thing girlfriend would make everything worse would dragging instead moving decided probably kill planned part 30 06 room guarantee death scouted place one able find corpse written goodbye letter honestly pathetic write one probably even leave one plan depositing money account girlfriend ha access get house quickly possible need etc know death negatively impact closest almost positive parent get honestly father ha given think care much grandparent devastated get one worried girlfriend start new job right plan killing want ruin sure figure something time really want die still break heart leave everything behind family ha two amazing dog would die managed go girl way league 5 year get job relevant dream career grandparent aunt uncle seem like etc guess bring couple bottle try get heartbreak pull trigger anyways sorry start fucking pity party wa hurting say write anything die since done relatively good hiding depression everyone thank reading failure sick
I feel really suicidal,"I was at Sagres —the end of the world— today, and all I really wanted to do was jump of the cliff into the water. I was told it’s an instant death. If I had been there alone, I probably would’ve jumped.",yeetyourselfout,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdxfqq/i_feel_really_suicidal/,wa sagres end world today really wanted wa jump cliff water wa told instant death alone probably would jumped,feel really suicidal,yee,202,22,yee wa sagres end world today really wanted wa jump cliff water wa told instant death alone probably would jumped feel really suicidal
Almost,"So I’ve been depressed since about 4. Started cutting around 12, the same time I had my first flashback to the first time I was raped. I made serval attempts since I was 16, never really trying hard enough. But tonight I really really really wanted to do it. I tried cutting myself but the knife I got wasn’t sharp enough... my boyfriend ended up calling me in the middle of everything. So I talked to him about it, I was on hold with the suicide hotline anyways.

I guess I didn’t REALLY want to otherwise it would’ve worked? I’ve always heard of people just cutting, but it ends up going too deep and that’s how they almost die. Don’t know why I’m writing this.. actually I do I want to hear from someone. Encouragement, your story, anything.

Update: I’m at my boyfriends house now and I have therapy on Saturday so I’m gonna talk to my therapist about all of this then. Thank you for the messages <3",melaniemeow422,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdt1ny/almost/,depressed since 4 started cutting around 12 time first flashback first time wa raped made serval attempt since wa 16 never really trying hard enough tonight really really really wanted tried cutting knife got sharp enough boyfriend ended calling middle everything talked wa hold suicide hotline anyways guess really want otherwise would worked always heard people cutting end going deep almost die know writing actually want hear someone encouragement story anything update boyfriend house therapy saturday gonna talk therapist thank message lt 3,almost,melanie meow 422,906,6,melanie meow 422 depressed since 4 started cutting around 12 time first flashback first time wa raped made serval attempt since wa 16 never really trying hard enough tonight really really really wanted tried cutting knife got sharp enough boyfriend ended calling middle everything talked wa hold suicide hotline anyways guess really want otherwise would worked always heard people cutting end going deep almost die know writing actually want hear someone encouragement story anything update boyfriend house therapy saturday gonna talk therapist thank message lt 3 almost
I should have jumped,I posted a cry for help on the confessions subreddit and all the comments and nice things that people said delayed what I thought was the inevitable but then a friend say the post and came and talked me down and I really wish I would have jumped I constantly think about going back to that building climbing up all those stairs getting up on that ledge and jumping and it's getting to the point were I dont think I will be able to stop myself from going there again the instant I can.,Saimanz,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdu9f7/i_should_have_jumped/,posted cry help confession subreddit comment nice thing people said delayed thought wa inevitable friend say post came talked really wish would jumped constantly think going back building climbing stair getting ledge jumping getting point dont think able stop going instant,jumped,saima nz,484,20,saima nz posted cry help confession subreddit comment nice thing people said delayed thought wa inevitable friend say post came talked really wish would jumped constantly think going back building climbing stair getting ledge jumping getting point dont think able stop going instant jumped
i hate my face and my body to the point where i think of suicide everyday,"ive always been an ugly kid and hated the way i looked, i envied my childhood friends because they were prettier than me and got better treatment. i developed an eating disorder when i was 12-13 yo and ive been in a restrict-binge cycle for years. lately ive gained more than i usually do while bingeing for a long period of time and it made me really depressed but i somehow coped with it. ive been realizing how ugly i really look and how far i am from how i used to think i looked, i thought i was fine, just looked weird from some angles but its way worse than that. i hate everything about my face and my body. i hate the way my skin looks. i hate everything about myself and i feel so sorry that my body is working so hard for someone who hates it. i cant afford plastic surgery and makeup doesnt do the trick anymore because i know how awful i look under it. i just want to kill myself.",j6829k,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdu6b3/i_hate_my_face_and_my_body_to_the_point_where_i/,ive always ugly kid hated way looked envied childhood friend prettier got better treatment developed eating disorder wa 12 13 yo ive restrict binge cycle year lately ive gained usually bingeing long period time made really depressed somehow coped ive realizing ugly really look far used think looked thought wa fine looked weird angle way worse hate everything face body hate way skin look hate everything feel sorry body working hard someone hate cant afford plastic surgery makeup doesnt trick anymore know awful look want kill,hate face body point think suicide everyday,j 6829 k,893,73,j 6829 k ive always ugly kid hated way looked envied childhood friend prettier got better treatment developed eating disorder wa 12 13 yo ive restrict binge cycle year lately ive gained usually bingeing long period time made really depressed somehow coped ive realizing ugly really look far used think looked thought wa fine looked weird angle way worse hate everything face body hate way skin look hate everything feel sorry body working hard someone hate cant afford plastic surgery makeup doesnt trick anymore know awful look want kill hate face body point think suicide everyday
guilt,"I've been suicidal in the past and really thought I was better. For some reason started thinking about all the bad/hurtful things I've done to people and within like a week went from feeling generally good to researching ways to kill myself. I feel like a shit person and like there's no good reason for me to live. I just want to stop feeling guilty and I don't know how to do that except kill myself. And I feel like I would kind of deserve it.

I'm scared that even if I make it through this I'm just doomed to being suicidal all my life and eventually I'll be impulsive enough to do it. Even just thinking this way makes me feel guilty because I know how much being suicidal hurts and scares my friends and family. I feel like a bad person for reaching out for help.",throwaway676756,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdwy4q/guilt/,suicidal past really thought wa better reason started thinking bad hurtful thing done people within like week went feeling generally good researching way kill feel like shit person like good reason live want stop feeling guilty know except kill feel like would kind deserve scared even make doomed suicidal life eventually impulsive enough even thinking way make feel guilty know much suicidal hurt scare friend family feel like bad person reaching help,guilt,throwaway 676756,770,5,throwaway 676756 suicidal past really thought wa better reason started thinking bad hurtful thing done people within like week went feeling generally good researching way kill feel like shit person like good reason live want stop feeling guilty know except kill feel like would kind deserve scared even make doomed suicidal life eventually impulsive enough even thinking way make feel guilty know much suicidal hurt scare friend family feel like bad person reaching help guilt
High key tempted to yeet myself off a roof,I am so done. I literally am out of energy to give and everything is going to shit again. I feel like I can't breathe and I really don't have the energy to fight again. I just want to sleep and never wake up.,loodlenoo,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdsu3r/high_key_tempted_to_yeet_myself_off_a_roof/,done literally energy give everything going shit feel like breathe really energy fight want sleep never wake,high key tempted yeet roof,loo dle noo,208,42,loo dle noo done literally energy give everything going shit feel like breathe really energy fight want sleep never wake high key tempted yeet roof
Today is my last day,"I’m 16 years old, go to a private high school, and by all means should be happy. The only thing wrong in my life is my emotionally and verbally abusive father. However I cannot feel anything. Only sadness and pain. I’m a medically diagnosed psychopath. I have severe depression and nothing to live for in my eyes. I have no self esteem, no redeeming qualities, nothing about me is good. I cannot feel happy unless I’m cutting or abusing drugs. I’ve never been loved and never been able to love anyone. I’m not worthy of love, and I’ll never be loved. This isn’t a cry for help or for comfort. I don’t know by I’m posting this to be honest. I just wanted some like minded people to know and sympathize with me while I live my final day on Earth.",LeVodkaVillain,41,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddz6h/today_is_my_last_day/,16 year old go private high school mean happy thing wrong life emotionally verbally abusive father however cannot feel anything sadness pain medically diagnosed psychopath severe depression nothing live eye self esteem redeeming quality nothing good cannot feel happy unless cutting abusing drug never loved never able love anyone worthy love never loved cry help comfort know posting honest wanted like minded people know sympathize live final day earth,today last day,le vodka villain,744,20,le vodka villain 16 year old go private high school mean happy thing wrong life emotionally verbally abusive father however cannot feel anything sadness pain medically diagnosed psychopath severe depression nothing live eye self esteem redeeming quality nothing good cannot feel happy unless cutting abusing drug never loved never able love anyone worthy love never loved cry help comfort know posting honest wanted like minded people know sympathize live final day earth today last day
Gonna kill myself after prom,"I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety since like 8th grade. I was molested when I was younger which definitely doesn’t help but honestly I just wanna kill myself cause of my current situation. I just feel so lonely and just downright defeated honestly. I thought I’ve been getting better but realized that I’m actually just regressing in different ways. Instead of being sad about my problems I laugh them off and ignore them leaving them there, instead of being too open with my friends driving them away I now have serious problems not being able to express that I care about people. It’s to the point that apparently (someone else pointed this out) I physically shake when I begin talking about anything wrong with myself. I’m so fucking sick of this you’d think of after 4 YEARS of consistently fighting and trying everything (medicine, mediation, therapy) NOTHING has been accomplished. I always feel like an outsider looking in, never really belonging. Sometimes I think my friends secretly don’t like me and I don’t blame them. How could you like someone who can’t express that they care about you. Never been in an actual relationship, to the point to where when my entire workplace realized I probably wasn’t going to prom so my friend volunteered to go with me which to me feels like a complete pity act as she does have a boyfriend. So I think my current plans are I’ll take this last month to get everything in place, have a great time at prom, and overdose on something (probably alcohol). College life and adult work don’t seem my speed anyways. I genuinely think this will be the best thing",idkman283838,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdwpqu/gonna_kill_myself_after_prom/,suffering depression anxiety since like 8th grade wa molested wa younger definitely help honestly wanna kill cause current situation feel lonely downright defeated honestly thought getting better realized actually regressing different way instead sad problem laugh ignore leaving instead open friend driving away serious problem able express care people point apparently someone else pointed physically shake begin talking anything wrong fucking sick think 4 year consistently fighting trying everything medicine mediation therapy nothing ha accomplished always feel like outsider looking never really belonging sometimes think friend secretly like blame could like someone express care never actual relationship point entire workplace realized probably going prom friend volunteered go feel like complete pity act doe boyfriend think current plan take last month get everything place great time prom overdose something probably alcohol college life adult work seem speed anyways genuinely think best thing,gonna kill prom,id kman 283838,1615,28,id kman 283838 suffering depression anxiety since like 8th grade wa molested wa younger definitely help honestly wanna kill cause current situation feel lonely downright defeated honestly thought getting better realized actually regressing different way instead sad problem laugh ignore leaving instead open friend driving away serious problem able express care people point apparently someone else pointed physically shake begin talking anything wrong fucking sick think 4 year consistently fighting trying everything medicine mediation therapy nothing ha accomplished always feel like outsider looking never really belonging sometimes think friend secretly like blame could like someone express care never actual relationship point entire workplace realized probably going prom friend volunteered go feel like complete pity act doe boyfriend think current plan take last month get everything place great time prom overdose something probably alcohol college life adult work seem speed anyways genuinely think best thing gonna kill prom
Feeling my life is over,"Hey, I created an account because I honestly dont know what I am doing anymore on here. Last year was the worst of my life. My long time GF (4  years) and I broke up. She lives in a different state so I flew there to speak to her and atleast end it on good terms. The day after I started a new job. 

It started well with my manager happy but the next week I had another manager who joined (the person who hired me was sacked). Towards the end of the first month, I ended up having surgery on my back. This is where the issues started, The surgery and the breakup really affected me physically and mentally and I kept making errors which were easily avoidable.  Eventually it got too much for them and they released me.  

It took me 3 years to find the job in my field which I graduated in and i honestly thought it was what I was looking for. Unfortunately, I got left with no job and now no partner. 

I have a job now - in my field but not exactly the same (if that makes sense) but it is really going nowhere. My manager is good and is happy  with my performance but the organisation does not allow for any growth. The person who I replaced is younger than me and is already far ahead in their career than I will. To top it all off, I live in a small town and it will be hard to hide the termination.

I honestly dont know what is the point anymore. No matter what I do, it feels it is never enough and I am not going anywhere",Trick-Muscle1,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdwl2a/feeling_my_life_is_over/,hey created account honestly dont know anymore last year wa worst life long time gf 4 year broke life different state flew speak atleast end good term day started new job started well manager happy next week another manager joined person hired wa sacked towards end first month ended surgery back issue started surgery breakup really affected physically mentally kept making error easily avoidable eventually got much released took 3 year find job field graduated honestly thought wa wa looking unfortunately got left job partner job field exactly make sense really going nowhere manager good happy performance organisation doe allow growth person replaced younger already far ahead career top live small town hard hide termination honestly dont know point anymore matter feel never enough going anywhere,feeling life,trick muscle 1,1431,23,trick muscle 1 hey created account honestly dont know anymore last year wa worst life long time gf 4 year broke life different state flew speak atleast end good term day started new job started well manager happy next week another manager joined person hired wa sacked towards end first month ended surgery back issue started surgery breakup really affected physically mentally kept making error easily avoidable eventually got much released took 3 year find job field graduated honestly thought wa wa looking unfortunately got left job partner job field exactly make sense really going nowhere manager good happy performance organisation doe allow growth person replaced younger already far ahead career top live small town hard hide termination honestly dont know point anymore matter feel never enough going anywhere feeling life
Boyfriend's classmate jumped off a 6 story parking garage yesterday,"He wrote a note and everything. Nobody knew a thing, he was so successful, athletic, smart, social. He was friends with everyone. All my boyfriend can say is how depressing the air at school is, how low everyone is, how it just hit everyone. This person took their own life. They're gone.

All I can think about is myself. How many times I've attempted it and failed. How much of an asshole I am for wanting to put that suffering onto others, and yet how much I want my death to impact people. I feel like I'm not suffering bad enough if I don't kill myself. At the same time, I'm convinced suicide is no longer even an option taken how many times I've survived.

This other kid was so strong, so brave and so powerful that he was able to leap 6 stories up to his death. He wrote an elaborate note. He kept his mouth shut about his inner turmoils and nobody knew a thing. On the other end is me, I've done nothing but fail at everything including trying to kill myself, and I feel like my only personality trait is my trauma. Everyone knows I'm depressed, because I can't help but overshare. I feel like I burden loved ones with my thoughts and feelings. And I can't do it.

I'm so ashamed of myself.",gr33nthundah,18,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fda598/boyfriends_classmate_jumped_off_a_6_story_parking/,wrote note everything nobody knew thing wa successful athletic smart social wa friend everyone boyfriend say depressing air school low everyone hit everyone person took life gone think many time attempted failed much asshole wanting put suffering onto others yet much want death impact people feel like suffering bad enough kill time convinced suicide longer even option taken many time survived kid wa strong brave powerful wa able leap 6 story death wrote elaborate note kept mouth shut inner turmoil nobody knew thing end done nothing fail everything including trying kill feel like personality trait trauma everyone know depressed help overshare feel like burden loved one thought feeling ashamed,boyfriend classmate jumped 6 story parking garage yesterday,gr 33 n thun dah,1200,67,gr 33 n thun dah wrote note everything nobody knew thing wa successful athletic smart social wa friend everyone boyfriend say depressing air school low everyone hit everyone person took life gone think many time attempted failed much asshole wanting put suffering onto others yet much want death impact people feel like suffering bad enough kill time convinced suicide longer even option taken many time survived kid wa strong brave powerful wa able leap 6 story death wrote elaborate note kept mouth shut inner turmoil nobody knew thing end done nothing fail everything including trying kill feel like personality trait trauma everyone know depressed help overshare feel like burden loved one thought feeling ashamed boyfriend classmate jumped 6 story parking garage yesterday
Whats the point in living if we die anyway?,"Honestly I'd rather die now if I have to die.
""Life's a bitch and then you die""
But sometimes ""Life's a bitch and you keep on living""",AeonianAce,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdoo23/whats_the_point_in_living_if_we_die_anyway/,honestly rather die die life bitch die sometimes life bitch keep living,whats point living die anyway,aeon ian ace,133,43,aeon ian ace honestly rather die die life bitch die sometimes life bitch keep living whats point living die anyway
I need help.,"I can't count how many times I've tried reaching out on reddit, each time to no avail. I have no idea where else to go or what else to do. I hope someone can say something that is helpful in the slightest for once.

I can't afford to see an actual psychologist or psychiatrist. I recently discovered a place in my city that offers free counselling for certain people. After a few weeks of consideration and paranoia I finally sucked it up and went there to inquire. I almost felt proud of myself for taking that step. Then I found out there's a four month waitlist.  Fuck that. I can't wait that long. I need help now.

I live in a broken, poor city with little opportunity. I can't afford to move away. I was neglected by my parents as a child and abused as a teen. I never had a true parental figure. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life. Thoughts of suicide began when I was eleven years old. I've tried to hang myself once with a belt but it broke. I have no true family aside from my grandmother. The only friends I have are long distance ones whom I met on the internet years ago and only talk to every month or so. Every romantic relationship I've been in has gone to shit by my own actions. I've developed a strong hatred for most of the people in my life as well as myself.

Overwhelming thoughts of suicide and the pain of loneliness severely hinders my ability to get anything done. I try to sit down to work on things but it just doesn't happen. I just can't. My memory has gone to shit. I can barely remember much of my childhood anymore and I probably won't remember much of what you say to me 20 minutes after you say it. My focus is non-existent. I've been having a lot of difficulty reading because I just can't focus on the words. I am currently unemployed and job-searching is horrible. My resume is pathetic. I didn't graduate high school. I hardly eat anymore and when I do it's usually cheap unhealthy food. My good habits slipped and now I hardly brush my teeth. I haven't been to the dentist in over a year but I can just feel the cavities. I lost the one thing that kept me trying to move forward. The one thing that gave me hope of a future. Now I can't see myself anywhere in the future.

There's nothing for me here. I feel so alone. Everyday I fantasize about pulling out the big chef's knife and driving it through my throat one or ten times. I just don't have the desire to go on. I know that not everyone is supposed to make it. Not everyone can make it. I genuinely feel like I am one of those people. But a small part of me still wants to live.

I don't know if anyone will see this or care enough to respond. If you do respond, please just don't say generic copy-pasted shit. Believe me, I've heard it all.",CatastrophicFuck,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnjgg/i_need_help/,count many time tried reaching reddit time avail idea else go else hope someone say something helpful slightest afford see actual psychologist psychiatrist recently discovered place city offer free counselling certain people week consideration paranoia finally sucked went inquire almost felt proud taking step found four month waitlist fuck wait long need help live broken poor city little opportunity afford move away wa neglected parent child abused teen never true parental figure idea hell life thought suicide began wa eleven year old tried hang belt broke true family aside grandmother friend long distance one met internet year ago talk every month every romantic relationship ha gone shit action developed strong hatred people life well overwhelming thought suicide pain loneliness severely hinders ability get anything done try sit work thing happen memory ha gone shit barely remember much childhood anymore probably remember much say 20 minute say focus non existent lot difficulty reading focus word currently unemployed job searching horrible resume pathetic graduate high school hardly eat anymore usually cheap unhealthy food good habit slipped hardly brush teeth dentist year feel cavity lost one thing kept trying move forward one thing gave hope future see anywhere future nothing feel alone everyday fantasize pulling big chef knife driving throat one ten time desire go know everyone supposed make everyone make genuinely feel like one people small part still want live know anyone see care enough respond respond please say generic copy pasted shit believe heard,need help,catastrophic fuck,2756,12,catastrophic fuck count many time tried reaching reddit time avail idea else go else hope someone say something helpful slightest afford see actual psychologist psychiatrist recently discovered place city offer free counselling certain people week consideration paranoia finally sucked went inquire almost felt proud taking step found four month waitlist fuck wait long need help live broken poor city little opportunity afford move away wa neglected parent child abused teen never true parental figure idea hell life thought suicide began wa eleven year old tried hang belt broke true family aside grandmother friend long distance one met internet year ago talk every month every romantic relationship ha gone shit action developed strong hatred people life well overwhelming thought suicide pain loneliness severely hinders ability get anything done try sit work thing happen memory ha gone shit barely remember much childhood anymore probably remember much say 20 minute say focus non existent lot difficulty reading focus word currently unemployed job searching horrible resume pathetic graduate high school hardly eat anymore usually cheap unhealthy food good habit slipped hardly brush teeth dentist year feel cavity lost one thing kept trying move forward one thing gave hope future see anywhere future nothing feel alone everyday fantasize pulling big chef knife driving throat one ten time desire go know everyone supposed make everyone make genuinely feel like one people small part still want live know anyone see care enough respond respond please say generic copy pasted shit believe heard need help
Needing someone to talk to im in a pretty bad place,emptypost,Fancy-Currency,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdtdp9/needing_someone_to_talk_to_im_in_a_pretty_bad/,emptypost,needing someone talk im pretty bad place,fancy currency,9,51,fancy currency emptypost needing someone talk im pretty bad place
Suicide,"When I will turn 18 I want to kill myself. I feel like I am just a waste of space and my ""friends"" are staying with me because they pity me. Every time when I think about myself I see a failure that will never be able to do anything good. So, I'm asking for advices, what should I do? (I'm very lost in my mind)",LasaVrajela18,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdtanj/suicide/,turn 18 want kill feel like waste space friend staying pity every time think see failure never able anything good asking advice lost mind,suicide,la sav raje la 18,311,7,la sav raje la 18 turn 18 want kill feel like waste space friend staying pity every time think see failure never able anything good asking advice lost mind suicide
"Im ending my life soon, but I don't know when","Im 13m and i have severe depression and anxiety, my parents are extremly strict and Ive lost all my friends. My self esteem is at a zero and I can't handle the pain anymore. I tried to talk to my parents but they both said that this isn't the way I feel, Ive just convinced myself it was. I almost ended it last year but a friend helped me keep going, but this time is different. I have no one to stop me.",penis_wrinkle_69420,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmiee/im_ending_my_life_soon_but_i_dont_know_when/,im 13m severe depression anxiety parent extremly strict ive lost friend self esteem zero handle pain anymore tried talk parent said way feel ive convinced wa almost ended last year friend helped keep going time different one stop,im ending life soon know,penis wrinkle 69420,405,45,penis wrinkle 69420 im 13m severe depression anxiety parent extremly strict ive lost friend self esteem zero handle pain anymore tried talk parent said way feel ive convinced wa almost ended last year friend helped keep going time different one stop im ending life soon know
nothing is good anymore,emptypost,zdento,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdr866/nothing_is_good_anymore/,emptypost,nothing good anymore,zden,9,23,zden emptypost nothing good anymore
There is another world... There must be,emptypost,kramer000,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmibt/there_is_another_world_there_must_be/,emptypost,another world must,kramer 000,9,39,kramer 000 emptypost another world must
Whatever,"I feel like every couple of nights, I just lay here on the floor, stuck in my head about how much I want to commit suicide.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I'm ready to start trying again.

I want to die.

I want to die.

In this moment, not being . . .",null01001,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdrw1l/whatever/,feel like every couple night lay floor stuck head much want commit suicide want die want die ready start trying want die want die moment,whatever,null 01001,254,8,null 01001 feel like every couple night lay floor stuck head much want commit suicide want die want die ready start trying want die want die moment whatever
My birthday is tomorrow,I recently had to go to the hospital per my therapist (or get IVCd). That was a month ago and nothing has gotten better. No meds have helped and I still find myself planning my death. My psychiatrist prescribes me ambien and I've googled the lethal dosage. I have more than enough. Part of me wants to live but the part that wants to die is bigger. Sadness is like an ocean. Sometimes you swim but right now I'm drowning and I'm not sure there is any coming back from it. Part of me wants to do it in my birthday but I fear that will just devastate my family even more. Sorry for the rant.,no_one_important09,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdno0i/my_birthday_is_tomorrow/,recently go hospital per therapist get ivcd wa month ago nothing ha gotten better med helped still find planning death psychiatrist prescribes ambien googled lethal dosage enough part want live part want die bigger sadness like ocean sometimes swim right drowning sure coming back part want birthday fear devastate family even sorry rant,birthday tomorrow,one important 09,589,23,one important 09 recently go hospital per therapist get ivcd wa month ago nothing ha gotten better med helped still find planning death psychiatrist prescribes ambien googled lethal dosage enough part want live part want die bigger sadness like ocean sometimes swim right drowning sure coming back part want birthday fear devastate family even sorry rant birthday tomorrow
Im 14 and struggling a lot.,"Ive been depressed for a couple of years now, ive been suicidal too for the past 3 years. One of the main reasons is my family. I’m an outsider to them, i chose that i don’t want to be religious or what they wanted me to be. They tried to mould me into the model son, i hate it. Ive spoke on to a lot of people online, who’ve become my close friends, but in the beginning of this year, i lost my closest friend, of 3 years. He was an inspiration to me, and now that he’s gone i feel alone. I have friends still but they slowly drift further each coming day.

Recently, i was telling dark jokes as a coping mechanism, it helps relieve stress when i make jokes about stuff. I slipped up and made a joke that offended a girl in my class, she went to the head of student affairs in my school and complained about me, despite having apologised at least 5 times. Parents got involved too, and news spreads like wildfire. I don’t feel like going to school tomorrow, because the last thing i want is this stress from my peers.

Its not my peers that are the problem though, it’s my family. They’re religious and believe you should never joke about the stuff i do. (I still joke about the things i do because my mental state has deteriorated). I have depression, insomnia and ptsd. My family doesn’t know. In about an hour i have to either confess everything that’s wrong, which’ll probably give me shit to deal with x20 worse, or i can kill myself today. Im heavily weighing the options. I don’t want to live, to suffer, anymore. I’ve attempted in the past and i pussied out in the last moments. But this time, if i have to, i will. I can’t live like this anymore. I’d probably get disowned if i called the child support hotline, and i go to a private school on an academic scholarship, so i’ll have to move schools, which’d mean i’d lose my closest friends in real life.

Im pretty much failing every class, flunking every class, i don’t do work anymore, im constantly in pain. My head thumps everyday with migraines and i cant focus, i can only stay sane from my dogs and music. Im in love with videogames, but my pc died last september so i havent been able to play and it made me really sad. 

I just want some incentive to live, to keep going, but i cant see anything but my future going dim. I’m in school typing this out. Im hoping by some insane luck that i can make it through this. I promised myself that depending how my year started out, i’d contemplate suicide. I decided that i would do it in feb but didnt, so i want to do it today. Idk how i’ll make it through this. Please, someone, help me.",humongononologongus,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdv5ei/im_14_and_struggling_a_lot/,ive depressed couple year ive suicidal past 3 year one main reason family outsider chose want religious wanted tried mould model son hate ive spoke lot people online become close friend beginning year lost closest friend 3 year wa inspiration gone feel alone friend still slowly drift coming day recently wa telling dark joke coping mechanism help relieve stress make joke stuff slipped made joke offended girl class went head student affair school complained despite apologised least 5 time parent got involved news spread like wildfire feel like going school tomorrow last thing want stress peer peer problem though family religious believe never joke stuff still joke thing mental state ha deteriorated depression insomnia ptsd family know hour either confess everything wrong probably give shit deal x20 worse kill today im heavily weighing option want live suffer anymore attempted past pussied last moment time live like anymore probably get disowned called child support hotline go private school academic scholarship move school mean lose closest friend real life im pretty much failing every class flunking every class work anymore im constantly pain head thump everyday migraine cant focus stay sane dog music im love videogames pc died last september havent able play made really sad want incentive live keep going cant see anything future going dim school typing im hoping insane luck make promised depending year started contemplate suicide decided would feb didnt want today idk make please someone help,im 14 struggling lot,hu mongo nono log gu,2600,27,hu mongo nono log gu ive depressed couple year ive suicidal past 3 year one main reason family outsider chose want religious wanted tried mould model son hate ive spoke lot people online become close friend beginning year lost closest friend 3 year wa inspiration gone feel alone friend still slowly drift coming day recently wa telling dark joke coping mechanism help relieve stress make joke stuff slipped made joke offended girl class went head student affair school complained despite apologised least 5 time parent got involved news spread like wildfire feel like going school tomorrow last thing want stress peer peer problem though family religious believe never joke stuff still joke thing mental state ha deteriorated depression insomnia ptsd family know hour either confess everything wrong probably give shit deal x20 worse kill today im heavily weighing option want live suffer anymore attempted past pussied last moment time live like anymore probably get disowned called child support hotline go private school academic scholarship move school mean lose closest friend real life im pretty much failing every class flunking every class work anymore im constantly pain head thump everyday migraine cant focus stay sane dog music im love videogames pc died last september havent able play made really sad want incentive live keep going cant see anything future going dim school typing im hoping insane luck make promised depending year started contemplate suicide decided would feb didnt want today idk make please someone help im 14 struggling lot
I'm back and worse than ever,"I posted before on here about how I'm depressed, a worthless piece of shit and how I tried to hang myself. The driving urge to kill myself faded into a dull ache for a few days and now I'm even more depressed. They say you'll regret suicide but I wish I had the guts to do it sooner. If you could get guns in the UK I'd be gone already

​

Downvoted already. I know noone cares about me but jesus christ",needadvicethrow234,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdm89p/im_back_and_worse_than_ever/,posted depressed worthless piece shit tried hang driving urge kill faded dull ache day even depressed say regret suicide wish gut sooner could get gun uk gone already amp x200b downvoted already know noone care jesus christ,back worse ever,need advice throw 234,414,28,need advice throw 234 posted depressed worthless piece shit tried hang driving urge kill faded dull ache day even depressed say regret suicide wish gut sooner could get gun uk gone already amp x200b downvoted already know noone care jesus christ back worse ever
Live vicariously through me,"I think about suicide all the time. I am sooooo broke, depressed, and now live in my car even though I work a full time job and do side gigs. I am my grandmothers sponsor therefore I’m financially responsible for her. It’s the only reason I’m alive. If I was gone, no one would be pay for her assisted living or even watch out for her. I love her and resent her. I’ve been thinking about suicide ever since I can remember. I don’t even remember the last time I was actually even semi happy but I’m stuck because I love her. 

If this wasn’t the case and I actually had some money, I’d go far far away. Somewhere like Tuvalu where people actually seem to care about each other. Where life moves slow and not everything involves so much technology and material things. I think that’d be the one thing that could help me with my suicidal thoughts.. just completely changing my life. 

But I can’t do that, so if you have the means to do so, why don’t you try? Don’t move to a different city.. move to a different continent. If you are planning to kill yourself, move somewhere else. Change everything. You have nothing to lose and maybe just maybe you’ll actually be happy to Alive and if so, I’d love to live vicariously through you.",ineedsleep799,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdrp1n/live_vicariously_through_me/,think suicide time sooooo broke depressed live car even though work full time job side gig grandmother sponsor therefore financially responsible reason alive wa gone one would pay assisted living even watch love resent thinking suicide ever since remember even remember last time wa actually even semi happy stuck love case actually money go far far away somewhere like tuvalu people actually seem care life move slow everything involves much technology material thing think one thing could help suicidal thought completely changing life mean try move different city move different continent planning kill move somewhere else change everything nothing lose maybe maybe actually happy alive love live vicariously,live vicariously,need sleep 799,1231,27,need sleep 799 think suicide time sooooo broke depressed live car even though work full time job side gig grandmother sponsor therefore financially responsible reason alive wa gone one would pay assisted living even watch love resent thinking suicide ever since remember even remember last time wa actually even semi happy stuck love case actually money go far far away somewhere like tuvalu people actually seem care life move slow everything involves much technology material thing think one thing could help suicidal thought completely changing life mean try move different city move different continent planning kill move somewhere else change everything nothing lose maybe maybe actually happy alive love live vicariously live vicariously
"do you ever feel like you're always alone, even when surrounded by others?","you know how people always say ""you're lonely, not alone""? i really honestly feel like i'm just unable to become close to another human being - mutually.

i have a lot of people in my life who love me and want to be close to me. but i feel cold saying that i am either too overwhelmed by them or i don't feel close to them.

i cant bond with others anymore. i used to have stupid useless sex constantly that made me feel like a piece of meat to be consumed. now intimacy terrifies me.

closeness and hugs scare me. i'm extremely isolated and i only ever leave the house for my (extremely tough medical) school and to get food. debt is piling up because of that but its my only joy.

i cant stand people getting close to me. i cant stand hanging out with friends. but yet i want love and intimacy so badly. i feel like im so broken, and that i'm never going to feel like a human again.

i just feel like a vessel that serves as a stupid, servicing fleshlight to fuck. to only ever improve the quality of others - not me. i don't deserve it.

i just don't understand why i shouldn't just kill myself over spring break. that way if i survive, i have a week to be in the psych hospital and not miss any assignments or exams.",disasterwizard,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdp5eu/do_you_ever_feel_like_youre_always_alone_even/,know people always say lonely alone really honestly feel like unable become close another human mutually lot people life love want close feel cold saying either overwhelmed feel close cant bond others anymore used stupid useless sex constantly made feel like piece meat consumed intimacy terrifies closeness hug scare extremely isolated ever leave house extremely tough medical school get food debt piling joy cant stand people getting close cant stand hanging friend yet want love intimacy badly feel like im broken never going feel like human feel like vessel serf stupid servicing fleshlight fuck ever improve quality others deserve understand kill spring break way survive week psych hospital miss assignment exam,ever feel like always alone even surrounded others,disaster wizard,1220,74,disaster wizard know people always say lonely alone really honestly feel like unable become close another human mutually lot people life love want close feel cold saying either overwhelmed feel close cant bond others anymore used stupid useless sex constantly made feel like piece meat consumed intimacy terrifies closeness hug scare extremely isolated ever leave house extremely tough medical school get food debt piling joy cant stand people getting close cant stand hanging friend yet want love intimacy badly feel like im broken never going feel like human feel like vessel serf stupid servicing fleshlight fuck ever improve quality others deserve understand kill spring break way survive week psych hospital miss assignment exam ever feel like always alone even surrounded others
Welp I did it,I winded up cutting. Broke my 65 days free from cutting. It felt so good to cut,walker310,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgf87/welp_i_did_it/,winded cutting broke 65 day free cutting felt good cut,welp,walker 310,79,13,walker 310 winded cutting broke 65 day free cutting felt good cut welp
going to kill myself sunday,"planning for then, cant take this pain anymore",Luceayyy,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fduux2/going_to_kill_myself_sunday/,planning cant take pain anymore,going kill sunday,luce ayy,46,27,luce ayy planning cant take pain anymore going kill sunday
This is my first and last Reddit post,"...because I’m killing myself in the next few hours. I wanted to be able to push through all the pain that I’ve been in for so long and I wanted to believe that it could get better for me, but the waiting isn’t worth it. It’s not getting better and I’m too weak to keep dealing with this day in and day out. I’m sorry that this will hurt people who knew me — probably people who I don’t even think care about me. But I need to be selfish for today and do something for myself and put an end to this. 

Goodbye.",[deleted],24,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdj07g/this_is_my_first_and_last_reddit_post/,killing next hour wanted able push pain long wanted believe could get better waiting worth getting better weak keep dealing day day sorry hurt people knew probably people even think care need selfish today something put end goodbye,first last reddit post,deleted,510,37,deleted killing next hour wanted able push pain long wanted believe could get better waiting worth getting better weak keep dealing day day sorry hurt people knew probably people even think care need selfish today something put end goodbye first last reddit post
Does cutting help?,"Hey, I have a question for anyone who’s willing to answer. I just would like to know if anyone who has cut in the past, and who maybe are still cutting, does it help you in any way? Does it relive any sort of distress? I know it’s a dangerous game to play. I’m just curious. Cheers everyone! I hope you all stay in this life and continue to at least try to conquer your demons. You might not think you are loved, but you are loved by someone, and you might just be wanting someone to ask if you are ok. Milking yourself ends ANY sort of progression to get better. Please stay in this life, I’m struggling too but I want to push forward to see if anything will get better. And feel free to answer the question if you’d like. I love you, night everyone. ❤️",wrinklesack69,22,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdm349/does_cutting_help/,hey question anyone willing answer would like know anyone ha cut past maybe still cutting doe help way doe relive sort distress know dangerous game play curious cheer everyone hope stay life continue least try conquer demon might think loved loved someone might wanting someone ask ok milking end sort progression get better please stay life struggling want push forward see anything get better feel free answer question like love night everyone,doe cutting help,wrinkle sack 69,754,18,wrinkle sack 69 hey question anyone willing answer would like know anyone ha cut past maybe still cutting doe help way doe relive sort distress know dangerous game play curious cheer everyone hope stay life continue least try conquer demon might think loved loved someone might wanting someone ask ok milking end sort progression get better please stay life struggling want push forward see anything get better feel free answer question like love night everyone doe cutting help
Your aren't bad,"Feeling this way isn't a bad thing. Something that is said to much in our society is that feeling suicidal if a bad thing. The whole ""don't do it,"" line is just a rewording of our society sentiment towards suicide. You should just know that feeling suicidal, even to the point of writing notes and making plans isn't a bad thing. There is no shame in falling when you've been beaten. Feeling suicidal is a perfectly natural response to abuse, depression, psychosis, or any other horrible thing; you can't go near a fire without getting hot. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling suicidal, for feeling like you hate yourself. Maybe the reason you hate yourself is because you've never been loved, so you see no proof that you are worthy of any. Maybe it's because you have been abusedv so thoroughly you've been programmed to hate yourself. No matter the cause, I cannot stress this enough, it is not a bad thing. The bad thing is whatever caused you to feel this way",SamIsNotSuicidal,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdrbfr/your_arent_bad/,feeling way bad thing something said much society feeling suicidal bad thing whole line rewording society sentiment towards suicide know feeling suicidal even point writing note making plan bad thing shame falling beaten feeling suicidal perfectly natural response abuse depression psychosis horrible thing go near fire without getting hot nothing wrong feeling suicidal feeling like hate maybe reason hate never loved see proof worthy maybe abusedv thoroughly programmed hate matter cause cannot stress enough bad thing bad thing whatever caused feel way,bad,sami suicidal,972,15,sami suicidal feeling way bad thing something said much society feeling suicidal bad thing whole line rewording society sentiment towards suicide know feeling suicidal even point writing note making plan bad thing shame falling beaten feeling suicidal perfectly natural response abuse depression psychosis horrible thing go near fire without getting hot nothing wrong feeling suicidal feeling like hate maybe reason hate never loved see proof worthy maybe abusedv thoroughly programmed hate matter cause cannot stress enough bad thing bad thing whatever caused feel way bad
Attempt failed,I could've sworn it was going to work due to the already stress that was on my heart but then again taking 100 mg worth of melatonin and beer probably wasn't going to kill me. I know if i bought two bottles of something  and three bottles of something  and put it in a bucket and mix it and sit in my car then that would kill me instantly but I may not be ready for that. Fml.,Celestialsmoothie28,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdujia/attempt_failed/,could sworn wa going work due already stress wa heart taking 100 mg worth melatonin beer probably going kill know bought two bottle something three bottle something put bucket mix sit car would kill instantly may ready fml,attempt failed,celestial smoothie 28,376,14,celestial smoothie 28 could sworn wa going work due already stress wa heart taking 100 mg worth melatonin beer probably going kill know bought two bottle something three bottle something put bucket mix sit car would kill instantly may ready fml attempt failed
I want to kill myself.,I really am having a hard time with life. Nothing in my life seems worth achieving or working for. I'm emotionally filled with self hatred to the point where I just want to end it all. I harm myself fairly often and it does little to quell my disgust in myself. I am barely holding on. I would have done it earlier but I couldn't find any blades.,Cluryan_Vigilant,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdsdt6/i_want_to_kill_myself/,really hard time life nothing life seems worth achieving working emotionally filled self hatred point want end harm fairly often doe little quell disgust barely holding would done earlier find blade,want kill,clu ryan vigilant,346,22,clu ryan vigilant really hard time life nothing life seems worth achieving working emotionally filled self hatred point want end harm fairly often doe little quell disgust barely holding would done earlier find blade want kill
I have easy access to a gun,Im going to kill myself soon it will be easy i think im going to do it in the bathtub so it wont have a lot of blood staining i feel bad for the person or people that are going to have to carry my fat fucking body down the stairs I cant stop thinking about this i just feel bad when I think of my parents finding me,Fucotrucko,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdq0el/i_have_easy_access_to_a_gun/,im going kill soon easy think im going bathtub wont lot blood staining feel bad person people going carry fat fucking body stair cant stop thinking feel bad think parent finding,easy access gun,fu co truck,315,27,fu co truck im going kill soon easy think im going bathtub wont lot blood staining feel bad person people going carry fat fucking body stair cant stop thinking feel bad think parent finding easy access gun
I deserve this,I deserve to suffer for everything I have done. I hope I continue to feel pain so I can make up for the shit I caused.,bunnybelljpeg,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdozpq/i_deserve_this/,deserve suffer everything done hope continue feel pain make shit caused,deserve,bunny bell jpeg,118,14,bunny bell jpeg deserve suffer everything done hope continue feel pain make shit caused deserve
2years for Nothing again,"Hello my name is Ahmet I am 24 since I have been 5 I was a target for rasicm in Turkey (I was the only Turk with Kurds) after years I have managed to save myself¡ but I couldn't get over it and my high-school and university was also a disaster.

But this is just a start. I worked two years for getting a university at Japan (literally I saved my whole salary without even buying clothes to myself for being able to cover tuition fees) and now I got declined.¿¿

Even better there is no next year for me. At then end of year I have to attend military service for a year and aspend		 every money I saved in the hell hole.

If God has a son I am probably the one who killed him and this is the punishment",TKAcee,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpvw4/2years_for_nothing_again/,hello name ahmet 24 since 5 wa target rasicm turkey wa turk kurd year managed save get high school university wa also disaster start worked two year getting university japan literally saved whole salary without even buying clothes able cover tuition fee got declined even better next year end year attend military service year aspend every money saved hell hole god ha son probably one killed punishment,2years nothing,tka cee,702,24,tka cee hello name ahmet 24 since 5 wa target rasicm turkey wa turk kurd year managed save get high school university wa also disaster start worked two year getting university japan literally saved whole salary without even buying clothes able cover tuition fee got declined even better next year end year attend military service year aspend every money saved hell hole god ha son probably one killed punishment 2years nothing
My mother confessed to me that she attempt to commit suicide,"I would like to say that I was shook, but I knew she has the habit of consuming a lot of sleeping pills just for not having to deal with the daily problems...

Aside from trying get professional help I dont really know what to do, I feel guilty about this",wicho_96,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpv92/my_mother_confessed_to_me_that_she_attempt_to/,would like say wa shook knew ha habit consuming lot sleeping pill deal daily problem aside trying get professional help dont really know feel guilty,mother confessed attempt commit suicide,wi cho 96,255,60,wi cho 96 would like say wa shook knew ha habit consuming lot sleeping pill deal daily problem aside trying get professional help dont really know feel guilty mother confessed attempt commit suicide
I give up,"I’m losing everyone and everything around me. I’ve reached out but no one seems to understand the fight I have within myself in my own head. I have 2 children under 8 yrs old and it aches me to wonder how they’d be without me. I always think okay they have my parents they have their dad. When is someone going to save me from my demons I can’t seem to battle anymore. I lost my brother two years ago to suicide and I wish it were me instead. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I’m supposed to do right now. Right now I can’t sleep. It’s right now that I can’t eat. Right now I still hear his voice and sense his presence even though I know he’s not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now. I want to walk away. I’m ready to end it all. This is my last resort. I graduated college for what? I paid thousands of dollars to be told I’m not good enough. I can’t make anyone love me. I’ll never be enough. I’ve attempted suicide when I was younger I hid my depression for so long but I don’t think anyone realizes how far off the grid I’ve gone. I’m only 27. I’ve literally lost everything but my babies. I lost my determination I lost my strive for life. I give up.",badeleon,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdu72w/i_give_up/,losing everyone everything around reached one seems understand fight within head 2 child 8 yr old ache wonder without always think okay parent dad someone going save demon seem battle anymore lost brother two year ago suicide wish instead everyone keep telling time heals wound one tell supposed right right sleep right eat right still hear voice sense presence even though know right seem cry know time wound healing even time world still know hurt right want walk away ready end last resort graduated college paid thousand dollar told good enough make anyone love never enough attempted suicide wa younger hid depression long think anyone realizes far grid gone 27 literally lost everything baby lost determination lost strive life give,give,bade leon,1356,9,bade leon losing everyone everything around reached one seems understand fight within head 2 child 8 yr old ache wonder without always think okay parent dad someone going save demon seem battle anymore lost brother two year ago suicide wish instead everyone keep telling time heals wound one tell supposed right right sleep right eat right still hear voice sense presence even though know right seem cry know time wound healing even time world still know hurt right want walk away ready end last resort graduated college paid thousand dollar told good enough make anyone love never enough attempted suicide wa younger hid depression long think anyone realizes far grid gone 27 literally lost everything baby lost determination lost strive life give give
I keep spamming on this sub. Sorry,"I know it's really dumb to keep spamming and spamming, I've already made two other posts here. Unless it was actually three and I have the memory of a goldfish. I just feel alone as hell and I need to vent. Again. I'm pissed at myself for eating today. The plan was not to eat anything this month but I fucked that up. Hopefully, starting tomorrow, I'll be able to control my fatass self and not eat until April. And I started cutting again today so that's great. But I'm actually so fucking pathetic that I can't even cut that deep because it hurts too much. I cut my neck which is just dumb as hell since the neck is difficult to cover. The sad part is that a small part of me wants people to see. That's super fucked up, why would I want that? I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. Hopefully he can give me meds that actually work. That is my last hope. Otherwise suicide is my only option, if I just have the guts to go through with it. I don't know why I keep ranting but thanks for reading.",That-Table,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdovik/i_keep_spamming_on_this_sub_sorry/,know really dumb keep spamming spamming already made two post unless wa actually three memory goldfish feel alone hell need vent pissed eating today plan wa eat anything month fucked hopefully starting tomorrow able control fatass self eat april started cutting today great actually fucking pathetic even cut deep hurt much cut neck dumb hell since neck difficult cover sad part small part want people see super fucked would want appointment psychiatrist tomorrow hopefully give med actually work last hope otherwise suicide option gut go know keep ranting thanks reading,keep spamming sub sorry,table,1010,34,table know really dumb keep spamming spamming already made two post unless wa actually three memory goldfish feel alone hell need vent pissed eating today plan wa eat anything month fucked hopefully starting tomorrow able control fatass self eat april started cutting today great actually fucking pathetic even cut deep hurt much cut neck dumb hell since neck difficult cover sad part small part want people see super fucked would want appointment psychiatrist tomorrow hopefully give med actually work last hope otherwise suicide option gut go know keep ranting thanks reading keep spamming sub sorry
This is too much,I no longer want to be alive. It's not worth it to fight this pain..,thoughtstroubledmind,21,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdosbo/this_is_too_much/,longer want alive worth fight pain,much,thought troubled mind,68,16,thought troubled mind longer want alive worth fight pain much
Saved by my dog,"I'm in a pretty bad place right now, and suicidal again after months of feeling ""better"".
Yesterday was one of my lowest this year. I was going to take pills and alcohol, as much as I could handle. The bottle was in my hands, when I heard my dog about to vomit.
I got up to clean it and she was stumbling around, and then passed out. I got so desperate, took her on my arms and walked 15min to the closest clinic.
I didn't even remember my plans till I got home with her at night.

She had a bunch of exams made, and is on meds and relatively better. I keep thinking that if I had took the pills I would've been at least incredibly high, and wouldn't be able to help her.
I think it's the universe's way of telling me to hang on a bit more.",AllyRamos,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfnsl/saved_by_my_dog/,pretty bad place right suicidal month feeling better yesterday wa one lowest year wa going take pill alcohol much could handle bottle wa hand heard dog vomit got clean wa stumbling around passed got desperate took arm walked 15min closest clinic even remember plan till got home night bunch exam made med relatively better keep thinking took pill would least incredibly high able help think universe way telling hang bit,saved dog,ally ramos,740,15,ally ramos pretty bad place right suicidal month feeling better yesterday wa one lowest year wa going take pill alcohol much could handle bottle wa hand heard dog vomit got clean wa stumbling around passed got desperate took arm walked 15min closest clinic even remember plan till got home night bunch exam made med relatively better keep thinking took pill would least incredibly high able help think universe way telling hang bit saved dog
I'm tired,"I'm trying my best to take care of my mother, who suffers from mental health issues and looks like dementia (unconfirmed), who has uncontrollable rage at times towards everyone. My husband cannot understand this. I myself am bipolar. He's filing for a divorce. I don't have a job or any means to support myself. I don't want to deal with anything anymore. It's been 40 years of screaming, shouting, fighting, drama, right from childhood. I have no siblings. I can't do this anymore. My heart feels like it's just going to stop beating. I think if I didn't feel guilty about leaving my mother and my very old grandmother without support, I would have killed myself already. I'm so exhausted.",ltlmum,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdrw5f/im_tired/,trying best take care mother suffers mental health issue look like dementia unconfirmed ha uncontrollable rage time towards everyone husband cannot understand bipolar filing divorce job mean support want deal anything anymore 40 year screaming shouting fighting drama right childhood sibling anymore heart feel like going stop beating think feel guilty leaving mother old grandmother without support would killed already exhausted,tired,ltl mum,690,9,ltl mum trying best take care mother suffers mental health issue look like dementia unconfirmed ha uncontrollable rage time towards everyone husband cannot understand bipolar filing divorce job mean support want deal anything anymore 40 year screaming shouting fighting drama right childhood sibling anymore heart feel like going stop beating think feel guilty leaving mother old grandmother without support would killed already exhausted tired
I would like to erase everything... Help,"Hello everyone,

I just don't know where to start... I'm feeling really helpless to be honest. I feel like a burden, like a parasite. Every day, pain is with me. Joy is temporary. I surrender at this point. My childhood has been a mess with my dysfunctional parents. I've never been good. If you want to have an idea, my mother has a borderline personality disorder, which means she was violent, physically and emotionally. My father is narcissistic, he abused me emotionally, making me feel like a burden. Never keeping his promises. I've never been happy for a long time with them. I'd say, for my life, 10% happy, 90% in pain. Now I'm 21, I don't know how I survived at this point, but I reached my limit. I tried to take my life away, wasn't a success. My family learned it, and for a moment I thought they finally considered me, but it was for such a short amount of time. I'm always walking on eggs with my parents. I'm in university right now, and it's hard. I just don't have the energy and will to persevere. My energy level is low, very low. I've tried therapy, meds, taking walks, doing sports. But every time I feel like I finally got my life together, something happens and it goes down. For example, I thought I could have some hope two weeks ago, then my cat died. She was my real family, I really loved her and she was always there for me, she kinda helped me a lot with her caring presence. It destroyed me. Then I tried again, but now I've got issues again with the parents. I'm exhausted. I don't have the strength to continue this life. I'm helpless. I sincerely considered ending everything this week. Its just too much for me. 

If only I could erase my memory and start again... Is this possible?",Aloneyas,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqeqj/i_would_like_to_erase_everything_help/,hello everyone know start feeling really helpless honest feel like burden like parasite every day pain joy temporary surrender point childhood ha mess dysfunctional parent never good want idea mother ha borderline personality disorder mean wa violent physically emotionally father narcissistic abused emotionally making feel like burden never keeping promise never happy long time say life 10 happy 90 pain 21 know survived point reached limit tried take life away success family learned moment thought finally considered wa short amount time always walking egg parent university right hard energy persevere energy level low low tried therapy med taking walk sport every time feel like finally got life together something happens go example thought could hope two week ago cat died wa real family really loved wa always kinda helped lot caring presence destroyed tried got issue parent exhausted strength continue life helpless sincerely considered ending everything week much could erase memory start possible,would like erase everything help,alone yas,1719,40,alone yas hello everyone know start feeling really helpless honest feel like burden like parasite every day pain joy temporary surrender point childhood ha mess dysfunctional parent never good want idea mother ha borderline personality disorder mean wa violent physically emotionally father narcissistic abused emotionally making feel like burden never keeping promise never happy long time say life 10 happy 90 pain 21 know survived point reached limit tried take life away success family learned moment thought finally considered wa short amount time always walking egg parent university right hard energy persevere energy level low low tried therapy med taking walk sport every time feel like finally got life together something happens go example thought could hope two week ago cat died wa real family really loved wa always kinda helped lot caring presence destroyed tried got issue parent exhausted strength continue life helpless sincerely considered ending everything week much could erase memory start possible would like erase everything help
I didn't kill myself tonight,But I could have. FUCK GO BACK hahaha,Kill_Till,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpa9c/i_didnt_kill_myself_tonight/,could fuck go back hahaha,kill tonight,kill till,37,28,kill till could fuck go back hahaha kill tonight
i feel so fucking invisible,"Everyone is constantly interrupting me and talking over me. Whenever I try talking about my problems no one seems to care and just counteracts it by saying how they have it harder. I mean, I guess they do but I wish I could just talk to someone at school without them saying how they have like so much more work and they got two hours of sleep last night. That’s why I hate being nice and supportive sometimes. I listen to other people, I help other people and I feel like it almost never gets returned. I’m there for other people but it feels like no one is there for me. 
And it’s not only at school. At home, I’m the youngest and it feels like they just ignore what I say, and don’t listen to anything I have to say. They are so proud of my sister, and I am too, but they don’t care as much about my accomplishments and awards. Maybe it’s because they aren’t as impressive as hers?",emmy989,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdl7cv/i_feel_so_fucking_invisible/,everyone constantly interrupting talking whenever try talking problem one seems care counteracts saying harder mean guess wish could talk someone school without saying like much work got two hour sleep last night hate nice supportive sometimes listen people help people feel like almost never get returned people feel like one school home youngest feel like ignore say listen anything say proud sister care much accomplishment award maybe impressive,feel fucking invisible,emmy 989,884,27,emmy 989 everyone constantly interrupting talking whenever try talking problem one seems care counteracts saying harder mean guess wish could talk someone school without saying like much work got two hour sleep last night hate nice supportive sometimes listen people help people feel like almost never get returned people feel like one school home youngest feel like ignore say listen anything say proud sister care much accomplishment award maybe impressive feel fucking invisible
Why does the depression never go away,emptypost,theCommonSlaw,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdo74o/why_does_the_depression_never_go_away/,emptypost,doe depression never go away,common law,9,37,common law emptypost doe depression never go away
Rose are red something is blue I want to hang from the ceiling how about you,"So my way of calling for help is making a sucidal joke, but nobody takes me seriously because I feel that we've been so dumbed down to it that everyone is sucidal. So why do so many people fake it for attention I was this close to hanging myself I could feel my heart stopping but the rope snapped, even though I had rope burn for 2 weeks and my eyes were fucked everyone said I did it for attention...Fuck you if you fake it for attention because of you I can't get help for this problem and I may Aswell finish the joke FUCK YOU seriously if you do this because your ego needs attention.",Breadiswhite-_-,18,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdl2qn/rose_are_red_something_is_blue_i_want_to_hang/,way calling help making sucidal joke nobody take seriously feel dumbed everyone sucidal many people fake attention wa close hanging could feel heart stopping rope snapped even though rope burn 2 week eye fucked everyone said attention fuck fake attention get help problem may aswell finish joke fuck seriously ego need attention,rose red something blue want hang ceiling,bread white,589,76,bread white way calling help making sucidal joke nobody take seriously feel dumbed everyone sucidal many people fake attention wa close hanging could feel heart stopping rope snapped even though rope burn 2 week eye fucked everyone said attention fuck fake attention get help problem may aswell finish joke fuck seriously ego need attention rose red something blue want hang ceiling
I'm sick and tired of this life,I don't get why people want to me to live. I'm worthless and just don't want to be around anymore. I plan to try to hang myself again when I get home from work. Maybe this time I will get it right. I'm struggling with bills. No one loves me and I'm too scared to tell my therapist because I can't go inpatient again or I lose my job,ChemicalEmilyBoo,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdrhq9/im_sick_and_tired_of_this_life/,get people want live worthless want around anymore plan try hang get home work maybe time get right struggling bill one love scared tell therapist go inpatient lose job,sick tired life,chemical emily boo,332,31,chemical emily boo get people want live worthless want around anymore plan try hang get home work maybe time get right struggling bill one love scared tell therapist go inpatient lose job sick tired life
I can’t stop crying,Please help me,oeyo121,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdrfq8/i_cant_stop_crying/,please help,stop cry,oe yo 121,14,19,oe yo 121 please help stop cry
all of the signs are telling me to do it,"hello. i really cannot hang on anymore. i have been genuinely contemplating suicide since i was in 7th grade (currently a senior in high school) and tonight has been really tough. first off, i have been to school 2/8 of the past days it has been in session. i have a metric fuckton of homework to catch up on that i really have no motivation to do. my mom has been having problems with her legs and compulsive picking for years but it has totally came to a head recently. backstory: she got sprayed with raw sewage a couple of months ago due a plumber trying to install our washer in some piece of shit landlord's apartment. she has worms coming out of the scabs. i thought she was legitimately developing some kind of hallucinogenic disorder but i saw them. with my own two eyes. she forced me to see them. it was awful. she still hasn't gone to the hospital, my dad is pressuring her to push it off. all of the adult figures i have that once believed in me (all at school [teachers] due to how unstable my parents are)  are genuinely disappointed with me. my friends have barely reached out to me. when they do i can tell how annoyed they are that i am struggling. i feel like it would be so much easier for me to die. maybe it would prevent other suicides, they're ignoring SO many red flags. i just want the pain to stop. please god or whatever is out there help me.",yuriamie,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdotsp/all_of_the_signs_are_telling_me_to_do_it/,hello really cannot hang anymore genuinely contemplating suicide since wa 7th grade currently senior high school tonight ha really tough first school 2 8 past day ha session metric fuckton homework catch really motivation mom ha problem leg compulsive picking year ha totally came head recently backstory got sprayed raw sewage couple month ago due plumber trying install washer piece shit landlord apartment ha worm coming scab thought wa legitimately developing kind hallucinogenic disorder saw two eye forced see wa awful still gone hospital dad pressuring push adult figure believed school teacher due unstable parent genuinely disappointed friend barely reached tell annoyed struggling feel like would much easier die maybe would prevent suicide ignoring many red flag want pain stop please god whatever help,sign telling,yuri amie,1370,40,yuri amie hello really cannot hang anymore genuinely contemplating suicide since wa 7th grade currently senior high school tonight ha really tough first school 2 8 past day ha session metric fuckton homework catch really motivation mom ha problem leg compulsive picking year ha totally came head recently backstory got sprayed raw sewage couple month ago due plumber trying install washer piece shit landlord apartment ha worm coming scab thought wa legitimately developing kind hallucinogenic disorder saw two eye forced see wa awful still gone hospital dad pressuring push adult figure believed school teacher due unstable parent genuinely disappointed friend barely reached tell annoyed struggling feel like would much easier die maybe would prevent suicide ignoring many red flag want pain stop please god whatever help sign telling
I want to pursue death but I am not depressed nor suicidal,"Hello. Never really wrote about myself online but I’m very curious and the stigma behind death seems to discourage discussion of it. I’ve actively tried talking to my family and a therapist about my perception of my life but their inability to understand that it does not and never has stemmed from depression irritates me. 

I want to die. I believe that death is the ultimate end goal for every single human being and rapidly increasing its approach would lead me to the end. Please note, I have a social life. I have close friends at college and at work. I also have a pretty active socia life (I go to a couple parties here and there). I’m in a solid relationship (been together for two years now), and I do not abuse drugs or alcohol, only at kick backs or something. I do not have depression, I’m pretty laid back down to earth guy who has never had any mental illness nor any thoughts of worthlessness, extreme sadness etc. 

Personally, the meaningless within life is the main motivator for my methodology. Realistically, the now is true living (due to its value, the past you can’t change and the future is unknown). Past the now, life is to be, not happening. Work, sex, love, entertainment, etc. are used to keep individuals living but what for? We work a 9-5 job, we have kids, we do all of these things and yet the reasoning boils down to survival and entertainment. entertainment to keep us looped within an endless cycle of netflix shows or games or tv shows or youtube and survival of work to eat and feed the future generation. realistically, love is a chemical compound effect which sparks to motivate the production of kids. to continue the species. the love of a parent to a child is to prevent child hood death so the child can become a parent and produce more children for the cycle to continue. when you really boil down what life is it’s just an endless cycle of continuation within a species. 

Idk i’m just curious if anyone else feels this way. You develop your own meaning in life but that meaning isn’t even yours. You are taught that meaning through society and social interactions. Your parents develop that meaning for you and you believe it’s yours but in reality it isn’t. The pursuit of a good job or a big house or to produce music or to be a serial killer all of these perceptions you learn from society in which you incorporate into your definition of life. how you want to live isn’t even your own perception it’s just a jumble of social expectations mixed into you.

If anyone can help me understand this it’d be a great help. I just want to know why life has meaning and why we live if not for social pressures, a biological barrier which prevents self harm, your “personal” meaning, etc.",3Yawns,12,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdotci/i_want_to_pursue_death_but_i_am_not_depressed_nor/,hello never really wrote online curious stigma behind death seems discourage discussion actively tried talking family therapist perception life inability understand doe never ha stemmed depression irritates want die believe death ultimate end goal every single human rapidly increasing approach would lead end please note social life close friend college work also pretty active socia life go couple party solid relationship together two year abuse drug alcohol kick back something depression pretty laid back earth guy ha never mental illness thought worthlessness extreme sadness etc personally meaningless within life main motivator methodology realistically true living due value past change future unknown past life happening work sex love entertainment etc used keep individual living work 9 5 job kid thing yet reasoning boil survival entertainment entertainment keep u looped within endless cycle netflix show game tv show youtube survival work eat feed future generation realistically love chemical compound effect spark motivate production kid continue specie love parent child prevent child hood death child become parent produce child cycle continue really boil life endless cycle continuation within specie idk curious anyone else feel way develop meaning life meaning even taught meaning society social interaction parent develop meaning believe reality pursuit good job big house produce music serial killer perception learn society incorporate definition life want live even perception jumble social expectation mixed anyone help understand great help want know life ha meaning live social pressure biological barrier prevents self harm personal meaning etc,want pursue death depressed suicidal,3 yawn,2729,58,3 yawn hello never really wrote online curious stigma behind death seems discourage discussion actively tried talking family therapist perception life inability understand doe never ha stemmed depression irritates want die believe death ultimate end goal every single human rapidly increasing approach would lead end please note social life close friend college work also pretty active socia life go couple party solid relationship together two year abuse drug alcohol kick back something depression pretty laid back earth guy ha never mental illness thought worthlessness extreme sadness etc personally meaningless within life main motivator methodology realistically true living due value past change future unknown past life happening work sex love entertainment etc used keep individual living work 9 5 job kid thing yet reasoning boil survival entertainment entertainment keep u looped within endless cycle netflix show game tv show youtube survival work eat feed future generation realistically love chemical compound effect spark motivate production kid continue specie love parent child prevent child hood death child become parent produce child cycle continue really boil life endless cycle continuation within specie idk curious anyone else feel way develop meaning life meaning even taught meaning society social interaction parent develop meaning believe reality pursuit good job big house produce music serial killer perception learn society incorporate definition life want live even perception jumble social expectation mixed anyone help understand great help want know life ha meaning live social pressure biological barrier prevents self harm personal meaning etc want pursue death depressed suicidal
I can’t be happy,"Everyday I feel better I feel the pain flood back into my heart. I’m stuck in a terrible spot, I hate my family and now that they know I have depression (friend forced me to tell a teacher) they treat me like I’m weak. I hate it, I know I suck but I’m strong enough to not take my life yet so just stop talking to me, please. I’m in love with my best friend and that could not be going worse and I want to cut my wrists, slit my throat and just bleed out soon. I would throw myself off a building but I want to do it soon. I just I can’t take it. Every moment I’m not good enough for him and someone else is in his arms I want to do it more. I hate myself more everyday.",Fireist,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdoo49/i_cant_be_happy/,everyday feel better feel pain flood back heart stuck terrible spot hate family know depression friend forced tell teacher treat like weak hate know suck strong enough take life yet stop talking please love best friend could going worse want cut wrist slit throat bleed soon would throw building want soon take every moment good enough someone else arm want hate everyday,happy,fire,670,16,fire everyday feel better feel pain flood back heart stuck terrible spot hate family know depression friend forced tell teacher treat like weak hate know suck strong enough take life yet stop talking please love best friend could going worse want cut wrist slit throat bleed soon would throw building want soon take every moment good enough someone else arm want hate everyday happy
Going to get incurable terminal illness,A terminal disease looks like it's my only escape. Going to focus on getting terminal cancer or maybe sudden death due to heart problems. Wish me luck. I'm serious. I'm done with life.,BlueThoth,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdoj4b/going_to_get_incurable_terminal_illness/,terminal disease look like escape going focus getting terminal cancer maybe sudden death due heart problem wish luck serious done life,going get incurable terminal illness,blue thoth,184,39,blue thoth terminal disease look like escape going focus getting terminal cancer maybe sudden death due heart problem wish luck serious done life going get incurable terminal illness
Anyone else?,Does anyone else really not want to deal with the future but also want to know what it holds? :(,bpdchaoz,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmrg1/anyone_else/,doe anyone else really want deal future also want know hold,anyone else,bpd cha oz,96,12,bpd cha oz doe anyone else really want deal future also want know hold anyone else
I love you guys,I cant stand this loneliness one more minute. Im afraid to go to sleep and overthink about how nobody know I even exist,findingstrengthtokms,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdkux5/i_love_you_guys/,cant stand loneliness one minute im afraid go sleep overthink nobody know even exist,love guy,finding strength km,119,15,finding strength km cant stand loneliness one minute im afraid go sleep overthink nobody know even exist love guy
Anybody wanna talk?,"I dont really have many friends or people I can talk to. Im very lonely and this makes my depression often very bad. I dont wanna guilt anyone into being friends with me but if there is someone out there who wants to talk about anything I would love to. I like nerdy stuff and videogames, music and football (soccer) too but im open to talk about anything. I just feel like I havent connected with anyone in a while :)",kingdomcome258,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnj2y/anybody_wanna_talk/,dont really many friend people talk im lonely make depression often bad dont wanna guilt anyone friend someone want talk anything would love like nerdy stuff videogames music football soccer im open talk anything feel like havent connected anyone,anybody wanna talk,kingdom come 258,418,19,kingdom come 258 dont really many friend people talk im lonely make depression often bad dont wanna guilt anyone friend someone want talk anything would love like nerdy stuff videogames music football soccer im open talk anything feel like havent connected anyone anybody wanna talk
fuck everything,why should i continue suffering? because it will get better? fuck this. that is not necessarily true. it can get worse. and it has been getting worse for years now. so just fuck it. i am just going to end it. nothing matters in the end.,throwaway646837366,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgj3p/fuck_everything/,continue suffering get better fuck necessarily true get worse ha getting worse year fuck going end nothing matter end,fuck everything,throwaway 646837366,236,15,throwaway 646837366 continue suffering get better fuck necessarily true get worse ha getting worse year fuck going end nothing matter end fuck everything
No motivation,I need to do my homework soon and shower but i just cant anymore i feel empty and i want to stop existing. I want to kill myself but also want to erase myself painlessly. 😐,g_g73,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnguj/no_motivation/,need homework soon shower cant anymore feel empty want stop existing want kill also want erase painlessly,motivation,g g 73,172,13,g g 73 need homework soon shower cant anymore feel empty want stop existing want kill also want erase painlessly motivation
Just Sent Good-byes to my Children,"God help me.... I know I should go to the hospital.  I know I have to keep fighting....if only to prove to my children, cursed with these genetic tendencies of mine, that life is worth living.  I made my son promise at Christmas to get help, and he did and he is thriving.  My life long battle is starting to wear on this old soul of mine.  It feels like the same pattern over and over, no matter how many variables I change.  I am a very hard person to love.  My scars and cynicism are just a little too hard for anyone who tries to stay around too long.  Hubby has been in my atmosphere for 7 years...think it's finally getting through to him that I can not change the abuse I suffered, and the PTSD that resides in me and rears it's ugly head now and then.  My mother never wanted me and beat her belly before I was ever born....almost 50 years later and I still feel as unlovable.  I'm so tired.  My kids will be so pissed if I give up....my bf needs me right now....I can't abandon them all....Heaven help me.....I just want it to stop hurting all the time.",JakesPeaches,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlxtz/just_sent_goodbyes_to_my_children/,god help know go hospital know keep fighting prove child cursed genetic tendency mine life worth living made son promise christmas get help thriving life long battle starting wear old soul mine feel like pattern matter many variable change hard person love scar cynicism little hard anyone try stay around long hubby ha atmosphere 7 year think finally getting change abuse suffered ptsd resides rear ugly head mother never wanted beat belly wa ever born almost 50 year later still feel unlovable tired kid pissed give bf need right abandon heaven help want stop hurting time,sent good bye child,jakes peach,1062,34,jakes peach god help know go hospital know keep fighting prove child cursed genetic tendency mine life worth living made son promise christmas get help thriving life long battle starting wear old soul mine feel like pattern matter many variable change hard person love scar cynicism little hard anyone try stay around long hubby ha atmosphere 7 year think finally getting change abuse suffered ptsd resides rear ugly head mother never wanted beat belly wa ever born almost 50 year later still feel unlovable tired kid pissed give bf need right abandon heaven help want stop hurting time sent good bye child
The cycle.,"How do i compensate for this ""cycle"" of happiness, recovery/recollection, that just slams back into depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts. Do i just eventually give in? Do i finally fully open up to those around me? Or is this a case of just. Keep. Pushing.",Arc_Hale,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqzu7/the_cycle/,compensate cycle happiness recovery recollection slam back depression anxiety suicidal thought eventually give finally fully open around case keep pushing,cycle,arc hale,258,10,arc hale compensate cycle happiness recovery recollection slam back depression anxiety suicidal thought eventually give finally fully open around case keep pushing cycle
Can you induce amnesia?,How do I just forget something or certain things that just make me not have any will to live and get the urge to hurt myself each time I remember or think about them?,giveawaytheending,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdo6lv/can_you_induce_amnesia/,forget something certain thing make live get urge hurt time remember think,induce amnesia,giveaway ending,166,23,giveaway ending forget something certain thing make live get urge hurt time remember think induce amnesia
I crave the eternal silence and slumber that comes with a 6 foot deep grave. Tonight is a great night to contemplate whether or not I should attempt to end my life or not.,"Indubitably, I am not worth anything as a being, contrary to the belief of all redditors who will reply to this, I have never once done anything correct in my life, all I have ever succeeded in has been to be hurtful and disrespectful to others and taking others for granted. 

All I breed is catastrophe. I am not at all talented or skilled at anything in particular, I am below average in every concept known to man. I have no motivation nor intention to progress in my life.

I seem to be an inconvenience, an unpleasant burden towards society. I'd say my existence is more so comparable to a tumor, I am not productive and only produce negative effects on others that unfortunately have the unbearable pain that comes from interaction with someone like me.

Entrapped in this body, I dream of going into eternal sleep, a great rest that lasts to the end of time. I do not have any interest in anything anymore, daily politics bore me a great deal and I'm not at all intrigued by life at all. 

I don't see a reason to not follow through with it when I have no intrinsic value and no drive nor intent to live at all.",iwannadiebadly,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdquas/i_crave_the_eternal_silence_and_slumber_that/,indubitably worth anything contrary belief redditors reply never done anything correct life ever succeeded ha hurtful disrespectful others taking others granted breed catastrophe talented skilled anything particular average every concept known man motivation intention progress life seem inconvenience unpleasant burden towards society say existence comparable tumor productive produce negative effect others unfortunately unbearable pain come interaction someone like entrapped body dream going eternal sleep great rest last end time interest anything anymore daily politics bore great deal intrigued life see reason follow intrinsic value drive intent live,crave eternal silence slumber come 6 foot deep grave tonight great night contemplate whether attempt end life,wanna die badly,1119,171,wanna die badly indubitably worth anything contrary belief redditors reply never done anything correct life ever succeeded ha hurtful disrespectful others taking others granted breed catastrophe talented skilled anything particular average every concept known man motivation intention progress life seem inconvenience unpleasant burden towards society say existence comparable tumor productive produce negative effect others unfortunately unbearable pain come interaction someone like entrapped body dream going eternal sleep great rest last end time interest anything anymore daily politics bore great deal intrigued life see reason follow intrinsic value drive intent live crave eternal silence slumber come 6 foot deep grave tonight great night contemplate whether attempt end life
I’m a liar,"I try to convince myself I’m depressed so I can have some kind of shitty excuse. In all honesty, I’m just a bad person who deserves what’s coming to me. This is karma. The fact that I’m ever happy goes to show the injustice of this world. I’m disgusting. A fucking stain.",bunnybelljpeg,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdp1pg/im_a_liar/,try convince depressed kind shitty excuse honesty bad person deserves coming karma fact ever happy go show injustice world disgusting fucking stain,liar,bunny bell jpeg,271,10,bunny bell jpeg try convince depressed kind shitty excuse honesty bad person deserves coming karma fact ever happy go show injustice world disgusting fucking stain liar
Losing hope that I’ll ever be functional,"I barely graduated high school due to too many absences, and two semesters into college I’m taking a medical leave of absence because I’d fallen behind on coursework, past the point of being able to catch up. I’m trying to get a job but the thing is I can’t promise I’m going to show up to work based on my pattern of behavior. My psychiatrist just keeps putting me on pills that don’t work and I don’t think my therapist can help me either because I know what steps I have to take, I just can’t do it. I just think I’m not meant to be alive in today’s world and I can’t survive without burdening everyone else with my ineptness. Don’t really want to kill myself just wish I were never born or that I could do normal things and be functional.",charlieluvbts,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnse9/losing_hope_that_ill_ever_be_functional/,barely graduated high school due many absence two semester college taking medical leave absence fallen behind coursework past point able catch trying get job thing promise going show work based pattern behavior psychiatrist keep putting pill work think therapist help either know step take think meant alive today world survive without burdening everyone else ineptness really want kill wish never born could normal thing functional,losing hope ever functional,charlie luv bts,742,40,charlie luv bts barely graduated high school due many absence two semester college taking medical leave absence fallen behind coursework past point able catch trying get job thing promise going show work based pattern behavior psychiatrist keep putting pill work think therapist help either know step take think meant alive today world survive without burdening everyone else ineptness really want kill wish never born could normal thing functional losing hope ever functional
What if I killed myself before my 21st birthday haha... Unless?,"Why be sad about it. Why prolong something inevitable. 

I've self harmed since middle school and I've wished for death that long too. I've been through treatments I can't stick with and people I can't stick with. I somehow appear confident on the outside but I just feel worthless. A black hole that doesn't deserve the light from anyone else. I'd like to think i don't believe in destiny but I never feel so sure about anything besides this. There's nothing else I truly know. 


It'd be cool to at least go out as one of those tortured artist types but I can't even make myself do art anymore. 


Studied hard for my stats exam tomorrow so killing myself won't happen tonight. I don't know how to. I don't think I can. But I can buy a ticket somewhere. Maybe I'll just go somewhere far, with nothing and hope for the worse. 

Or maybe a nice pimp will find me who just makes my life simple. I can just stay coked up and be someone's sex doll. I don't want to think anymore I fucking hate my mind",DOswald_Heist,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdql0o/what_if_i_killed_myself_before_my_21st_birthday/,sad prolong something inevitable self harmed since middle school wished death long treatment stick people stick somehow appear confident outside feel worthless black hole deserve light anyone else like think believe destiny never feel sure anything besides nothing else truly know cool least go one tortured artist type even make art anymore studied hard stats exam tomorrow killing happen tonight know think buy ticket somewhere maybe go somewhere far nothing hope worse maybe nice pimp find make life simple stay coked someone sex doll want think anymore fucking hate mind,killed 21st birthday haha unless,oswald heist,998,63,oswald heist sad prolong something inevitable self harmed since middle school wished death long treatment stick people stick somehow appear confident outside feel worthless black hole deserve light anyone else like think believe destiny never feel sure anything besides nothing else truly know cool least go one tortured artist type even make art anymore studied hard stats exam tomorrow killing happen tonight know think buy ticket somewhere maybe go somewhere far nothing hope worse maybe nice pimp find make life simple stay coked someone sex doll want think anymore fucking hate mind killed 21st birthday haha unless
Fuck i just cant do it im stuck in this nightmare,Here i am in bed holding a knife its been like an hour that im trying to get to courage just to stab myself in the carotid artery already wrote a suicide note and everything but im such a coward i just cant do it fuck fuck fuck i dont wanna live in this nightmare anymore i dont wanna wake for tomorrow everyday day is the same shitty day,SilentPost3,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqk1x/fuck_i_just_cant_do_it_im_stuck_in_this_nightmare/,bed holding knife like hour im trying get courage stab carotid artery already wrote suicide note everything im coward cant fuck fuck fuck dont wanna live nightmare anymore dont wanna wake tomorrow everyday day shitty day,fuck cant im stuck nightmare,silent post 3,338,49,silent post 3 bed holding knife like hour im trying get courage stab carotid artery already wrote suicide note everything im coward cant fuck fuck fuck dont wanna live nightmare anymore dont wanna wake tomorrow everyday day shitty day fuck cant im stuck nightmare
im giving myself 2 years,"if nothing is okay by the time im 24, im done. 

everything makes me anxious, i enjoy nothing, my academic life is shit, i feel like i have nothing to live for anymore. nothing has purpose. i dont understand how people have good, successful lives. i dont understand how people are able to fall in love. i barely feel anything anymore. i dont even have the energy to explain myself thoroughly. 

i have a plan already. im going to overdose on my medications and whatever else i can find. i dont care how it hurts. im done with everything. worst (and most likely) case: i die a disappointment. oh well.",331x,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdly9x/im_giving_myself_2_years/,nothing okay time im 24 im done everything make anxious enjoy nothing academic life shit feel like nothing live anymore nothing ha purpose dont understand people good successful life dont understand people able fall love barely feel anything anymore dont even energy explain thoroughly plan already im going overdose medication whatever else find dont care hurt im done everything worst likely case die disappointment oh well,im giving 2 year,331 x,600,24,331 x nothing okay time im 24 im done everything make anxious enjoy nothing academic life shit feel like nothing live anymore nothing ha purpose dont understand people good successful life dont understand people able fall love barely feel anything anymore dont even energy explain thoroughly plan already im going overdose medication whatever else find dont care hurt im done everything worst likely case die disappointment oh well im giving 2 year
I can’t handle my thoughts anymore.,"I was brutally raped for 2 months. By my best friends boyfriend. My best friend died of cancer. A month later her boyfriend messaged me saying he just needed a friend. I went over that night to his place. I regret ever doing that. He drugged and raped me. The next morning he threatened me. Told me if I didn’t keep giving him what he wanted he would kill me and himself. I was terrified. 

For 2 months every day I let him abuse and rape me. Out of fear. I eventually started to get myself so drunk I’d just pass out. 

I’d wake up bloody and bruised. He’d wake up ready to do it all over again. 

I’m now so fucked in the head from this experience I find myself missing him. I hate these thoughts. They never go away. I don’t want to think this way anymore. I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. 

I want to die so I can never feel this way again. It’s been years of feeling this way. The void is calling my name.",nopoint345,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdspab/i_cant_handle_my_thoughts_anymore/,wa brutally raped 2 month best friend boyfriend best friend died cancer month later boyfriend messaged saying needed friend went night place regret ever drugged raped next morning threatened told keep giving wanted would kill wa terrified 2 month every day let abuse rape fear eventually started get drunk pas wake bloody bruised wake ready fucked head experience find missing hate thought never go away want think way anymore tried everything nothing work want die never feel way year feeling way void calling name,handle thought anymore,point 345,915,35,point 345 wa brutally raped 2 month best friend boyfriend best friend died cancer month later boyfriend messaged saying needed friend went night place regret ever drugged raped next morning threatened told keep giving wanted would kill wa terrified 2 month every day let abuse rape fear eventually started get drunk pas wake bloody bruised wake ready fucked head experience find missing hate thought never go away want think way anymore tried everything nothing work want die never feel way year feeling way void calling name handle thought anymore
"I’m so tired, I can’t keep going.","I’m unworthy, I hate myself, I hate life, nobody fucking cares, fuck the human race, fuck whatever any of this is.",WizardNebula,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdsox8/im_so_tired_i_cant_keep_going/,unworthy hate hate life nobody fucking care fuck human race fuck whatever,tired keep going,wizard nebula,114,33,wizard nebula unworthy hate hate life nobody fucking care fuck human race fuck whatever tired keep going
I don’t feel depressed even though I’m diagnosed I just want to die,I don’t feel anything other than feeling out of place and like I am not meant to be in this world. I have no supportive friends and have been called an attention seeker in the past for reaching out. My family constantly argue and call me silly when I tell them I want to die . I really want to end it all.,1sadbish,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdso97/i_dont_feel_depressed_even_though_im_diagnosed_i/,feel anything feeling place like meant world supportive friend called attention seeker past reaching family constantly argue call silly tell want die really want end,feel depressed even though diagnosed want die,1 sad b ish,305,67,1 sad b ish feel anything feeling place like meant world supportive friend called attention seeker past reaching family constantly argue call silly tell want die really want end feel depressed even though diagnosed want die
My girlfriend of 4 year cheated on me. To make it worse I went through her messages Valentine’s Day. Just ditch them is what most people.,emptypost,JynxTime,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdsmyz/my_girlfriend_of_4_year_cheated_on_me_to_make_it/,emptypost,girlfriend 4 year cheated make worse went message valentine day ditch people,jynx time,9,137,jynx time emptypost girlfriend 4 year cheated make worse went message valentine day ditch people
I'm running out of ways to fight back.,"I've been doing the only thing I'm capable of to hold myself in place at this point, which is doing everything I can to ignore it all. My feelings, my life, the dread that comes every single fucking night.


I've been overeating to the point of getting sick. I've been spending days and more days barely taking care of myself, and just existing in my home, from which I barely leave for days on end.


I've been avoiding this conclusion forever, mostly because I'm so scared of it.


I don't think I want to exist. Every single night I try really hard to dream and fantasize about my deepest desires, in a desperate attempt to find a reason to pull myself up and keep going, but lately, I've been giving up so easily. I feel like nothing's is really worth it, and that includes myself. The thought of just ending it keeps coming over and over again, and it's getting harder and harder to fight back.


I'm scared. I feel cold and worthless. But what's worse is that I know tomorrow will be exactly the same.


I know there are people who love me and do so much for me, and I appreciate every single second they invest on me... But I've been really afraid of the idea that, even tho they try to, they can't really change things or help me in the ways that really matter in the end, like my mental condition, my traumas and the inescapable barrier that is my social class.


It's like I'm locked and always will be. And it doesn't seem very hard for me at the moment to believe that I'll end up dying by my own hands at some point.",Linkthepie,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdslqj/im_running_out_of_ways_to_fight_back/,thing capable hold place point everything ignore feeling life dread come every single fucking night overeating point getting sick spending day day barely taking care existing home barely leave day end avoiding conclusion forever mostly scared think want exist every single night try really hard dream fantasize deepest desire desperate attempt find reason pull keep going lately giving easily feel like nothing really worth includes thought ending keep coming getting harder harder fight back scared feel cold worthless worse know tomorrow exactly know people love much appreciate every single second invest really afraid idea even tho try really change thing help way really matter end like mental condition trauma inescapable barrier social class like locked always seem hard moment believe end dying hand point,running way fight back,link pie,1529,38,link pie thing capable hold place point everything ignore feeling life dread come every single fucking night overeating point getting sick spending day day barely taking care existing home barely leave day end avoiding conclusion forever mostly scared think want exist every single night try really hard dream fantasize deepest desire desperate attempt find reason pull keep going lately giving easily feel like nothing really worth includes thought ending keep coming getting harder harder fight back scared feel cold worthless worse know tomorrow exactly know people love much appreciate every single second invest really afraid idea even tho try really change thing help way really matter end like mental condition trauma inescapable barrier social class like locked always seem hard moment believe end dying hand point running way fight back
"I want to kill myself, but don't want ex-girlfriend to feel bad","(25M) I've been dealing with depression since I was about 14. I've been to countless therapists/doctors and have never had any relief. Throughout that time I've battled the urge to end my life and the only thing that seems to stop me is the guilt of hurting my family, in particular my mum.

I feel like such an ungrateful piece of garbage for what I've put her though and I know she deserves better than me.

She unfortunately isn't the only one. I recently ended it with my girlfriend because I couldn't stand what I was doing to her emotionally, the burden of having to deal with me day after day is exhausting and its simply not fair to ask that of her.

I've had gfs in the past but she is the only one I've ever truly loved, I genuinely believe that she is/was the one, but I can't condemn her to a life with me.
She simply deserves better. She's the most wonderful person I've ever known, and she should be with someone who can make her happy.

I wish she hated me, so that she doesn't feel guilt or sadness when I die.

I don't expect/need anyone to reply

I just needed to say it",Separate-Rooster,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmk4o/i_want_to_kill_myself_but_dont_want_exgirlfriend/,25m dealing depression since wa 14 countless therapist doctor never relief throughout time battled urge end life thing seems stop guilt hurting family particular mum feel like ungrateful piece garbage put though know deserves better unfortunately one recently ended girlfriend stand wa emotionally burden deal day day exhausting simply fair ask gfs past one ever truly loved genuinely believe wa one condemn life simply deserves better wonderful person ever known someone make happy wish hated feel guilt sadness die expect need anyone reply needed say,want kill want ex girlfriend feel bad,separate rooster,1088,63,separate rooster 25m dealing depression since wa 14 countless therapist doctor never relief throughout time battled urge end life thing seems stop guilt hurting family particular mum feel like ungrateful piece garbage put though know deserves better unfortunately one recently ended girlfriend stand wa emotionally burden deal day day exhausting simply fair ask gfs past one ever truly loved genuinely believe wa one condemn life simply deserves better wonderful person ever known someone make happy wish hated feel guilt sadness die expect need anyone reply needed say want kill want ex girlfriend feel bad
I had a nightmare last night about my past,"I have been crying for the whole morning. I could not take it anymore. I had a horrible nightmare about my life. It was telling me who was my real parent.
I am an orphan and my adoptive parent never told me this. My dad and his family constantly abused me and my mon when I was kid. They said we both poor and from uneducated family. We were filthy peasant. After my mom died he and his family told me to marry a rich man and didn't matter if I became a hidden wife, second wife of an old man. He told me I was different from normal girl I didnt deserve a good life.
It was discovered two years ago that I was adopted.
Neither my mom or my dad are my biological parent.
And in my country it is a shame, an orphan usually treated very bad and deserved to be a maid.

I had a nightmare about this and I remembered all my father told me and his family when I was kid. I could not take it anymore. I really want to die. I dont really have a purpose on my life. I dont know why I should life. I have my life and I hate myself.",Brave-valkyrie,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdsjoa/i_had_a_nightmare_last_night_about_my_past/,cry whole morning could take anymore horrible nightmare life wa telling wa real parent orphan adoptive parent never told dad family constantly abused mon wa kid said poor uneducated family filthy peasant mom died family told marry rich man matter became hidden wife second wife old man told wa different normal girl didnt deserve good life wa discovered two year ago wa adopted neither mom dad biological parent country shame orphan usually treated bad deserved maid nightmare remembered father told family wa kid could take anymore really want die dont really purpose life dont know life life hate,nightmare last night past,brave valkyrie,1021,42,brave valkyrie cry whole morning could take anymore horrible nightmare life wa telling wa real parent orphan adoptive parent never told dad family constantly abused mon wa kid said poor uneducated family filthy peasant mom died family told marry rich man matter became hidden wife second wife old man told wa different normal girl didnt deserve good life wa discovered two year ago wa adopted neither mom dad biological parent country shame orphan usually treated bad deserved maid nightmare remembered father told family wa kid could take anymore really want die dont really purpose life dont know life life hate nightmare last night past
Picking up a gun tomorrow,I’m relieved,enk9898,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdonb8/picking_up_a_gun_tomorrow/,relieved,picking gun tomorrow,en k 9898,12,25,en k 9898 relieved picking gun tomorrow
"I think if I woke up one day happy and no longer suicidal, I'd probably die of a massive heart attack from the shock.","(48M) I've dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts for probably \~35 years now.  I've been on pretty much all the different meds, had 2 rounds of TMS (30 sessions each), and have had therapy.  Nothing has made me feel any better.

I don't remember any other way to feel but sad, hopeless and suicidal.  I don't know how much longer I can keep going on.",Shim_Hutch,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdomem/i_think_if_i_woke_up_one_day_happy_and_no_longer/,48m dealt depression suicidal thought probably 35 year pretty much different med 2 round tm 30 session therapy nothing ha made feel better remember way feel sad hopeless suicidal know much longer keep going,think woke one day happy longer suicidal probably die massive heart attack shock,hutch,356,117,hutch 48m dealt depression suicidal thought probably 35 year pretty much different med 2 round tm 30 session therapy nothing ha made feel better remember way feel sad hopeless suicidal know much longer keep going think woke one day happy longer suicidal probably die massive heart attack shock
joining in on the same train of thought,"I can't see myself dying any other way. I've been trying hard to actually be a functioning adult, but the more I try, the more I fuck up, and the less I function. Everyone irl's advice is to just do it because it's life. Good for you. But I'm not meant to survive. I am literally not built to make it through life. My brain tried. It tried its best to block everything out. To make sure I didn't feel anything that would cause me to shut down. But unfortunately emotions build. I was fucking doomed from the start.",anonanonnobidy,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdsg29/joining_in_on_the_same_train_of_thought/,see dying way trying hard actually functioning adult try fuck le function everyone irl advice life good meant survive literally built make life brain tried tried best block everything make sure feel anything would cause shut unfortunately emotion build wa fucking doomed start,joining train thought,nobi dy,514,39,nobi dy see dying way trying hard actually functioning adult try fuck le function everyone irl advice life good meant survive literally built make life brain tried tried best block everything make sure feel anything would cause shut unfortunately emotion build wa fucking doomed start joining train thought
what’s the point?,what’s the point of trying to better yourself when there are things that you just can’t fix? because in the end those’ll be the things that everyone else laughs at even though you have no control over it. the whole idea of bettering yourself fucking sucks when there are things you can’t change anyways. what a sick fucking joke.,cldntcrlss,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdsctb/whats_the_point/,point trying better thing fix end thing everyone else laugh even though control whole idea bettering fucking suck thing change anyways sick fucking joke,point,cl dn tc rl,329,17,cl dn tc rl point trying better thing fix end thing everyone else laugh even though control whole idea bettering fucking suck thing change anyways sick fucking joke point
this week is so exhausting and im really close to giving up i don’t know what to do anymore hahahaha please kill me,emptypost,msnkz,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdq0i5/this_week_is_so_exhausting_and_im_really_close_to/,emptypost,week exhausting im really close giving know anymore hahahaha please kill,msn kz,9,115,msn kz emptypost week exhausting im really close giving know anymore hahahaha please kill
I want to leave,"I don't wanna live like this. I'm typing as I'm sobbing cause it's just hit me that it won't ever get any better. This is it for me.
I promised myself that I would hold on until I could leave my family in a better financially. 
Until my grandma passed away so I couldn't save her up the pain.

But I'm suffering so much. No one fucking likes me. And I don't say anything but god it hurts. 

It hurts being alone. 

It hurts being rejected. 

I've tried to keep going. And perhaps tomorrow I'll wake up and go to work like nothing happened.

But tonight I wanna pretend I'm dying. That when I fall asleep it'll be the last time I see this fucking planet. That when I wake up I won't remember anything. I'll be free.",loonylovegood94,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpz35/i_want_to_leave/,wanna live like typing sobbing cause hit ever get better promised would hold could leave family better financially grandma passed away save pain suffering much one fucking like say anything god hurt hurt alone hurt rejected tried keep going perhaps tomorrow wake go work like nothing happened tonight wanna pretend dying fall asleep last time see fucking planet wake remember anything free,want leave,loony lovegood 94,714,15,loony lovegood 94 wanna live like typing sobbing cause hit ever get better promised would hold could leave family better financially grandma passed away save pain suffering much one fucking like say anything god hurt hurt alone hurt rejected tried keep going perhaps tomorrow wake go work like nothing happened tonight wanna pretend dying fall asleep last time see fucking planet wake remember anything free want leave
I think I'm ready for suicide. Any tips?,"Bad things happen to me, and worst of all, they're inevitable. I think I'm better off dead than alive.",ExcitingRegister,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpu1k/i_think_im_ready_for_suicide_any_tips/,bad thing happen worst inevitable think better dead alive,think ready suicide tip,exciting register,102,40,exciting register bad thing happen worst inevitable think better dead alive think ready suicide tip
"A girl I knew commit suicide, now I want to","Preface, I'm a bit drunk rn, it helps numb this pain.

A girl I knew and I had hooked up with in the past, then became friends with commit suicide recently. We weren't close but I'd consider her a special friend to me. We rarely saw each other, but when we did we had the best banter known to man.  


I'm doing great in school, have a girlfriend, got internships lined up and was happy before this. But now, since she commit suicide, the only thing that makes sense to me is to kill myself. I've had depressive episodes before but this feels different. Everytime my thoughts are blank or I zone out, my first thought is the fact she is actually gone. Last time I tried to commit suicide was 5 years ago, and even then it wasn't this impactful.

​

For some reason this girl's suicide has really fucked with me and makes me feel like suicide is a reasonable option. It makes me feel like I have a new purpose. I feel like there is something extraordinary waiting for me. I almost feel as if she is waiting for me.

​

I got home in a cab and cried the entire way. The cab driver said nothing. I said nothing. When he looked at me I felt he had accepted my fate as I had. Perhaps there is more, perhaps there isn't. But I do want to cry more, but I'm not close enough to the girl to deserve pity.

​

As I am typing this out I feel better.  I feel as if I do not need to die right now but I do crave death. Just not at my hand. I accept being murdered, I accept an accident. 

​

I just wish it was over.",doit4mepls,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fds24u/a_girl_i_knew_commit_suicide_now_i_want_to/,preface bit drunk rn help numb pain girl knew hooked past became friend commit suicide recently close consider special friend rarely saw best banter known man great school girlfriend got internship lined wa happy since commit suicide thing make sense kill depressive episode feel different everytime thought blank zone first thought fact actually gone last time tried commit suicide wa 5 year ago even impactful amp x200b reason girl suicide ha really fucked make feel like suicide reasonable option make feel like new purpose feel like something extraordinary waiting almost feel waiting amp x200b got home cab cried entire way cab driver said nothing said nothing looked felt accepted fate perhaps perhaps want cry close enough girl deserve pity amp x200b typing feel better feel need die right crave death hand accept murdered accept accident amp x200b wish wa,girl knew commit suicide want,4 mep l,1547,43,4 mep l preface bit drunk rn help numb pain girl knew hooked past became friend commit suicide recently close consider special friend rarely saw best banter known man great school girlfriend got internship lined wa happy since commit suicide thing make sense kill depressive episode feel different everytime thought blank zone first thought fact actually gone last time tried commit suicide wa 5 year ago even impactful amp x200b reason girl suicide ha really fucked make feel like suicide reasonable option make feel like new purpose feel like something extraordinary waiting almost feel waiting amp x200b got home cab cried entire way cab driver said nothing said nothing looked felt accepted fate perhaps perhaps want cry close enough girl deserve pity amp x200b typing feel better feel need die right crave death hand accept murdered accept accident amp x200b wish wa girl knew commit suicide want
"I don't have anyone else to burden with this, so","I feel really weird doing this. I'm not good at talking about this stuff. But I have a couple reasons to think unloading anonymously might help a little.

I've been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for about half my life, since I was in middle school. Had a couple close calls, but had my first genuine attempt last summer. I've been in and out of various treatments since then. Lost my job and most of my friends. Buried in medical debt. Lost my car today.

I was struggling even when things were going well, but now I'm out of straws to grasp at. I don't like myself. I don't even respect myself. I'm embarrassed of the life I've lived. I can't keep myself sober, and, frankly, I'm out of reasons to bother trying. I like to say I won't make another attempt because of my dad, but some days I think the real reason is because I just haven't stockpiled enough pills yet.

This is hard for me to type. I feel like I'm just an attention seeker. And, hey, maybe I am. I don't know. I don't even feel like I should be posting here. I'm not really an immediate threat to myself. I'm just desperate. This is the hardest night I've had in a while. I just want to feel something else.",throwaway_26138,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fds05o/i_dont_have_anyone_else_to_burden_with_this_so/,feel really weird good talking stuff couple reason think unloading anonymously might help little dealing depression suicidal thought half life since wa middle school couple close call first genuine attempt last summer various treatment since lost job friend buried medical debt lost car today wa struggling even thing going well straw grasp like even respect embarrassed life lived keep sober frankly reason bother trying like say make another attempt dad day think real reason stockpiled enough pill yet hard type feel like attention seeker hey maybe know even feel like posting really immediate threat desperate hardest night want feel something else,anyone else burden,throwaway 26138,1190,48,throwaway 26138 feel really weird good talking stuff couple reason think unloading anonymously might help little dealing depression suicidal thought half life since wa middle school couple close call first genuine attempt last summer various treatment since lost job friend buried medical debt lost car today wa struggling even thing going well straw grasp like even respect embarrassed life lived keep sober frankly reason bother trying like say make another attempt dad day think real reason stockpiled enough pill yet hard type feel like attention seeker hey maybe know even feel like posting really immediate threat desperate hardest night want feel something else anyone else burden
I don’t know what to do,"I’ve been really suicidal lately I’ve lost faith in god and my parents my dad which is a pastor comes home and screens and curses so I don’t see how god could be real I don’t see anything in my dad 

My little friend group of like 4 people is ok but I always feel like I’m just dragging on with them like they don’t want me there bc I’m just sad and every time I try to make a joke I just get to nerves and I mess it up  I don’t really feel like I really fit in anywhere and tonight my parents yelled at me because I didn’t look alive or something. And they just can’t tell that I’m really sad I don’t want to say depressed because that’s a really strong word but I’m tired of feeling empty on the inside 

I feel like there always a gag in my throat and a drill in my stomach i wouldn’t say I’m anti social I can talk to people but whenever we get semi close I feel like I’m always going to mess it up",kummi360,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdplvn/i_dont_know_what_to_do/,really suicidal lately lost faith god parent dad pastor come home screen curse see god could real see anything dad little friend group like 4 people ok always feel like dragging like want bc sad every time try make joke get nerve mess really feel like really fit anywhere tonight parent yelled look alive something tell really sad want say depressed really strong word tired feeling empty inside feel like always gag throat drill stomach say anti social talk people whenever get semi close feel like always going mess,know,kum mi 360,902,23,kum mi 360 really suicidal lately lost faith god parent dad pastor come home screen curse see god could real see anything dad little friend group like 4 people ok always feel like dragging like want bc sad every time try make joke get nerve mess really feel like really fit anywhere tonight parent yelled look alive something tell really sad want say depressed really strong word tired feeling empty inside feel like always gag throat drill stomach say anti social talk people whenever get semi close feel like always going mess know
I’m leaving tomorrow,"For years ive been depressed and taking medication. The one thing keeping me going has been my familys encouragement and love. All my life i grew up to please my parents and do what they wanted. I realised later on that i couldnt keep doing that. I tried to kill myself then but was caught. Its been five years since then and my parents have been so loving. They tell me they dont care what i will be in the future as long as im happy. And that was what kept me going. 

A few days ago i found out from my brother that our dad told him that he compares us to the other kids his officemates boast about. He says he cant help it. He says he knows its wrong but that we cant blame him. He says he went wrong with us. With me. It shattered me

Now as im writing this, i have almost everythimg ready to go tomorrow. The last time i wa s going to die i was desperate and grieving. Now im angry and sad and theres nothing left. No matter what option i have left. I will fail. I will never be what my parents love and are proud of. They lied to me all these 5 years. I know they love me. But now i know they pity me and think im a defect produced by their parenting. 

If anyone i know finds this, please know its not your fault. I will never hate anyone more than myself. Im a coward. ive always known. To my brother, i want you to have everything i own. You can choose to throw it away or give it away. The plushies can go to dad, the makeup can go to mom. The clothes can be sold. The rest is yours. Im sorry i couldnt be the sister you admire

Thank you to everyone who inspired me and encouraged me to live on. Im sorry. Its not your fault. Its all mine.


edit: my parents heard me crying and talked to me. my mom says my problems are small and i should have a strong heart. My dad denied saying that stuff. i knocked myself out with sleeping pills but today i cant go anywhere without supervision so i guess im still alive. thank you everyone who replied, reading all of it made me cry a lot... none of you know me but you talk to me with kindness... its crazy... thank you for being here thank you",demouxx,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdcb4b/im_leaving_tomorrow/,year ive depressed taking medication one thing keeping going ha family encouragement love life grew please parent wanted realised later couldnt keep tried kill wa caught five year since parent loving tell dont care future long im happy wa kept going day ago found brother dad told compare u kid officemates boast say cant help say know wrong cant blame say went wrong u shattered im writing almost everythimg ready go tomorrow last time wa going die wa desperate grieving im angry sad nothing left matter option left fail never parent love proud lied 5 year know love know pity think im defect produced parenting anyone know find please know fault never hate anyone im coward ive always known brother want everything choose throw away give away plushies go dad makeup go mom clothes sold rest im sorry couldnt sister admire thank everyone inspired encouraged live im sorry fault mine edit parent heard cry talked mom say problem small strong heart dad denied saying stuff knocked sleeping pill today cant go anywhere without supervision guess im still alive thank everyone replied reading made cry lot none know talk kindness crazy thank thank,leaving tomorrow,demo u xx,2097,20,demo u xx year ive depressed taking medication one thing keeping going ha family encouragement love life grew please parent wanted realised later couldnt keep tried kill wa caught five year since parent loving tell dont care future long im happy wa kept going day ago found brother dad told compare u kid officemates boast say cant help say know wrong cant blame say went wrong u shattered im writing almost everythimg ready go tomorrow last time wa going die wa desperate grieving im angry sad nothing left matter option left fail never parent love proud lied 5 year know love know pity think im defect produced parenting anyone know find please know fault never hate anyone im coward ive always known brother want everything choose throw away give away plushies go dad makeup go mom clothes sold rest im sorry couldnt sister admire thank everyone inspired encouraged live im sorry fault mine edit parent heard cry talked mom say problem small strong heart dad denied saying stuff knocked sleeping pill today cant go anywhere without supervision guess im still alive thank everyone replied reading made cry lot none know talk kindness crazy thank thank leaving tomorrow
feeling old and tired,I'm done rn currently I'm a mature student in university and I hate it. 23 and first year university is not fun I should've graduated already. I have no energy to study or try.,AwayCoffee,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnsu0/feeling_old_and_tired/,done rn currently mature student university hate 23 first year university fun graduated already energy study try,feeling old tired,away coffee,176,21,away coffee done rn currently mature student university hate 23 first year university fun graduated already energy study try feeling old tired
Why,"I know everything is good on my life..

Nothing's going wrong

But I'm suffering",ptitlouislouis,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlhvv/why/,know everything good life nothing going wrong suffering,,pt louis louis,80,3,pt louis louis know everything good life nothing going wrong suffering 
Now I wish my wife would kill herself!,"Does this mean I'm getting ""better""? She is the most selfish cunt that ever walked the earth.

I've been so close to ending it all. Two weeks ago she screamed at me ""just do it! Kill yourself""",Hoytis,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdrrwy/now_i_wish_my_wife_would_kill_herself/,doe mean getting better selfish cunt ever walked earth close ending two week ago screamed kill,wish wife would kill,hoyt,192,38,hoyt doe mean getting better selfish cunt ever walked earth close ending two week ago screamed kill wish wife would kill
Yesterday I turned 25 and I still wonder how I made it this far.,"I was the only thing that held their marriage or some sort together. Came to them today to have a family dinner tomorrow and they do nothing but arguing between each other over stupid shit. Guess they are so tired of each other they ain’t even faking it.

Yesterday I had a birthday party with my friends. Of course it was great, but it was mainly an attempt for me to get some Dopamine™️ through people I considered friends. We live together and I try to do shit that would bind me with them. Simple stuff, like cooking a bit, doing common household chores around the kitchen and common places, going to the drugstore when someone’s sick or stuff. But there’s no feedback. When I ask them something about where is something like a bag for cold food (don’t know how it’s called, a bag where you put frozen stuff when going to the grocery store) no one batted an eye and helped me to find it. Asked someone (by text) to get me instant ramen in store and them “Whoops, sorry, guess I forgot”. 

Same with my work. I’m treated like an everyman when almost everyone constantly forgets about shit I ask them to do and rely on. 

I feel completely alone. Not like *alone* but with no person I can rely to. My close ones make me sick. Social interaction makes me sick. My work makes me sick. My constant struggle with my mental complications make me sick. My corrupted country makes me sick. The whole world makes me sick. And now there’s some weird Chinese virus which literally makes people sick. 

I consider myself a pussy when it comes to the suicide. But I already have two attempts. Dunno when I’ll get the impulse for a third one, but I hope I would be lucky this time.",edkisin,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdha7m/yesterday_i_turned_25_and_i_still_wonder_how_i/,wa thing held marriage sort together came today family dinner tomorrow nothing arguing stupid shit guess tired even faking yesterday birthday party friend course wa great wa mainly attempt get dopamine people considered friend live together try shit would bind simple stuff like cooking bit common household chore around kitchen common place going drugstore someone sick stuff feedback ask something something like bag cold food know called bag put frozen stuff going grocery store one batted eye helped find asked someone text get instant ramen store whoop sorry guess forgot work treated like everyman almost everyone constantly forgets shit ask rely feel completely alone like alone person rely close one make sick social interaction make sick work make sick constant struggle mental complication make sick corrupted country make sick whole world make sick weird chinese virus literally make people sick consider pussy come suicide already two attempt dunno get impulse third one hope would lucky time,yesterday turned 25 still wonder made far,ed k,1670,64,ed k wa thing held marriage sort together came today family dinner tomorrow nothing arguing stupid shit guess tired even faking yesterday birthday party friend course wa great wa mainly attempt get dopamine people considered friend live together try shit would bind simple stuff like cooking bit common household chore around kitchen common place going drugstore someone sick stuff feedback ask something something like bag cold food know called bag put frozen stuff going grocery store one batted eye helped find asked someone text get instant ramen store whoop sorry guess forgot work treated like everyman almost everyone constantly forgets shit ask rely feel completely alone like alone person rely close one make sick social interaction make sick work make sick constant struggle mental complication make sick corrupted country make sick whole world make sick weird chinese virus literally make people sick consider pussy come suicide already two attempt dunno get impulse third one hope would lucky time yesterday turned 25 still wonder made far
I wrote a note,I told my parents I loved them and that I was sorry. I told them its not their fault Im just tired of waking up and feeling like I’m in fight or flight every day all day. I told my girlfriend she should move on and find someone better who actually deserves her love. I told my friends thank you for being there sometimes but Im done fighting. I’ve lost the battle. Tomorrow is my last sunrise. Tomorrow night I’m out of here. Good bye all.,Cupcake_11,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdp6mc/i_wrote_a_note/,told parent loved wa sorry told fault im tired waking feeling like fight flight every day day told girlfriend move find someone better actually deserves love told friend thank sometimes im done fighting lost battle tomorrow last sunrise tomorrow night good bye,wrote note,cupcake 11,439,14,cupcake 11 told parent loved wa sorry told fault im tired waking feeling like fight flight every day day told girlfriend move find someone better actually deserves love told friend thank sometimes im done fighting lost battle tomorrow last sunrise tomorrow night good bye wrote note
I’m done,Alright I’m done for real. I’m deleting this account. Sick of people ignoring me,InGiuseppeWeTrust,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdp6iv/im_done/,alright done real deleting account sick people ignoring,done,giuseppe trust,80,8,giuseppe trust alright done real deleting account sick people ignoring done
"I just need someone to talk to, man.","2020 is kicking my ass so bad. I got laid off in November, and a pregnancy wouldnt allow me to work until now. I got the call that im going back to work starting Saturday, but whats the use? Unemployment didnt pay enough to make rent and bills, social assistance wont help me BECAUSE im recieving Unemployment, and i was given the ""you have 14 days to pay your rent or i start the eviction process"" notice from the landlord. 
After waiting for a late payment of Unemployment to come in, and my husband and i taking everything of value to us (PS4, Switch, and even his guitar) to the pawn shop, we're a solid $60 short on rent with no income in sight for the remaining days we have to pay. 
I put my name out for emergency commissions as i figure people might go for it, but in all honesty, no one has. 
Another bomb dropped on me today was that this ""flu"" my 3 year old daughter has had for a few days now is actually Scarlet Fever. Who gets scarlet fever? Is this the 1800s? What happens if my newborn son catches it from her? Is this year the year i lose a child and face my biggest and deepest fear? 

Idk man. I just wish this year would stop kicking my ass...i just needed to tell the world.",PeachySneakers,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdl42t/i_just_need_someone_to_talk_to_man/,2020 kicking bad got laid november pregnancy wouldnt allow work got call im going back work starting saturday whats use unemployment didnt pay enough make rent bill social assistance wont help im recieving unemployment wa given 14 day pay rent start eviction process notice landlord waiting late payment unemployment come husband taking everything value u ps4 switch even guitar pawn shop solid 60 short rent income sight remaining day pay put name emergency commission figure people might go honesty one ha another bomb dropped today wa flu 3 year old daughter ha day actually scarlet fever get scarlet fever 1800s happens newborn son catch year year lose child face biggest deepest fear idk man wish year would stop kicking needed tell world,need someone talk man,peach sneaker,1196,36,peach sneaker 2020 kicking bad got laid november pregnancy wouldnt allow work got call im going back work starting saturday whats use unemployment didnt pay enough make rent bill social assistance wont help im recieving unemployment wa given 14 day pay rent start eviction process notice landlord waiting late payment unemployment come husband taking everything value u ps4 switch even guitar pawn shop solid 60 short rent income sight remaining day pay put name emergency commission figure people might go honesty one ha another bomb dropped today wa flu 3 year old daughter ha day actually scarlet fever get scarlet fever 1800s happens newborn son catch year year lose child face biggest deepest fear idk man wish year would stop kicking needed tell world need someone talk man
I can't take this anymore,"I can't fcking take this any longer, this post probably won't help me much but I'm so desperate that I'll try anything to have a glimpse of hope. I'm so confused that I can't even write a proper text begging for help, a very simple act can become so complex and overwhelming to me.  
I'll try to write this as coherent as possible but since english isn't my main language and I seem to have lost all my intelligence, so please forgive me if It starts getting confusing.

So basically, I have no idea what to do, my depression is getting so bad that I don't see any other way out besides ending it all. I feel no pleasure what so ever, not even masturbating gives me any pleasure. I feel like shit on a daily basis, from overwhelming sadness, anxiety and rage to paranoia, overwhelming suicidal thoughts and even homicidal thoughts. I don't want to hurt anyone besides myself thought. I'm such a failure, I'm 18 and still a virgin, I'm fat and all the freaking times I joined the gym I found myself just giving up weeks later. I have no social skills, or better yet no skills AT ALL. All my life I was illuded by my teachers, parents and friends into thinking that I was smarter than average, and the worst thing is that was the only good thing I saw on me, but I'm not smart at all, I'm just a dumb piece of shit. I tried everything I could to treat my depression but nothing seems to work, meditation (minimum of 30 minutes per day), medication (multiple antipsychotics, antidepressants and benzodiazepines), psychedelic drugs (LSD, magic mushrooms, DMT, you name it I probably tried it). I go to a psychologist and psychiatrist but I feel no better, probably worse than when it all started, the worst part is that I don't even remember when and how it started. Now I wouldn't say I abuse drugs that much, I mainly smoke a bit of weed every now and then, mostly weekends, and regarding psychedelics I done them rarely and with every bit of damage reduction I could think of, perhaps I did indeed disrespect them a bit (mostly taking them without prior planning leading to uncomfortable sets and settings) since I can't enjoy them anymore, I panic and my mind instantly tells me to take xanax or any benzo I can get my hands on. However I DID abuse Xanax, so much so that I ended up on the hospital a couple times for taking too much of it and blacking out, while in school which just fucked my reputation in school. My friends tried to help me as much as they could, but my mind is so fucked and confused that nothing seems to help. This text is getting long but I still have so much to say, I'll try to not make it too long so you don't get bored quickly. My grades are down the hill, I'm currently in 12th grade and about to fail, and honestly I CAN'T stand another year at that school, I rather hang myself than go through that again, specially since I live in an isolated island in the middle of nowhere and resources are very limited here, there's nothing to do here and there's no chance I'm getting a girlfriend here (or anywhere to be honest, nobody would love a fat piece of shit like me).

Life is unbearable, I see no reason to stay alive, all I do all day is playing fcking LoL and let me tell you I hate that game so much, makes my blood boil and gives me urges to just cut my wrists. I can't make basic math/physics/chemistry/etc.. which just makes me feel even worst, cuz I need it to get to college, but I don't understand shit in school, since I can't study or focus, my mind just bombards me with horrible thoughts that echo in my mind till I put myself to sleep, I have no control over my mind anymore. I started learning guitar, and ended up giving up. I tried to learn how to program, but It's too overwhelming and I'm starting to lose any motivation I had for it (not that I had much motivation in general).

Here's some backstory, when I was a kid I got shot in my eye with a air pressure carabine, which left me with about 10% vision on said eye, made me get fat cuz I couldn't do exercise for about 2-3 years and I ended up getting a bad lifestyle in general, all day in computer playing games. This combined with more trauma I went throught and my midly toxic family, lead to me becoming the disgusting person I could think of. I know this is getting too much information and confusing please forgive me, I'm retarded.

Right now all I can think of is how to kill myself, I've tried it before with pills but ended up failing, so this time I'm thinking of hanging myself, and will do it eventually.

Just thinking of all this makes my blood boil, I Hate life so much, I hate my fucking family, I hate my fucking school, I hate myself, I wanna shoot myself in the head and end it all.",Joanh9000,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlzds/i_cant_take_this_anymore/,fcking take longer post probably help much desperate try anything glimpse hope confused even write proper text begging help simple act become complex overwhelming try write coherent possible since english main language seem lost intelligence please forgive start getting confusing basically idea depression getting bad see way besides ending feel pleasure ever even masturbating give pleasure feel like shit daily basis overwhelming sadness anxiety rage paranoia overwhelming suicidal thought even homicidal thought want hurt anyone besides thought failure 18 still virgin fat freaking time joined gym found giving week later social skill better yet skill life wa illuded teacher parent friend thinking wa smarter average worst thing wa good thing saw smart dumb piece shit tried everything could treat depression nothing seems work meditation minimum 30 minute per day medication multiple antipsychotic antidepressant benzodiazepine psychedelic drug lsd magic mushroom dmt name probably tried go psychologist psychiatrist feel better probably worse started worst part even remember started say abuse drug much mainly smoke bit weed every mostly weekend regarding psychedelics done rarely every bit damage reduction could think perhaps indeed disrespect bit mostly taking without prior planning leading uncomfortable set setting since enjoy anymore panic mind instantly tell take xanax benzo get hand however abuse xanax much ended hospital couple time taking much blacking school fucked reputation school friend tried help much could mind fucked confused nothing seems help text getting long still much say try make long get bored quickly grade hill currently 12th grade fail honestly stand another year school rather hang go specially since live isolated island middle nowhere resource limited nothing chance getting girlfriend anywhere honest nobody would love fat piece shit like life unbearable see reason stay alive day playing fcking lol let tell hate game much make blood boil give urge cut wrist make basic math physic chemistry etc make feel even worst cuz need get college understand shit school since study focus mind bombard horrible thought echo mind till put sleep control mind anymore started learning guitar ended giving tried learn program overwhelming starting lose motivation much motivation general backstory wa kid got shot eye air pressure carabine left 10 vision said eye made get fat cuz exercise 2 3 year ended getting bad lifestyle general day computer playing game combined trauma went throught midly toxic family lead becoming disgusting person could think know getting much information confusing please forgive retarded right think kill tried pill ended failing time thinking hanging eventually thinking make blood boil hate life much hate fucking family hate fucking school hate wanna shoot head end,take anymore,joan h 9000,4709,25,joan h 9000 fcking take longer post probably help much desperate try anything glimpse hope confused even write proper text begging help simple act become complex overwhelming try write coherent possible since english main language seem lost intelligence please forgive start getting confusing basically idea depression getting bad see way besides ending feel pleasure ever even masturbating give pleasure feel like shit daily basis overwhelming sadness anxiety rage paranoia overwhelming suicidal thought even homicidal thought want hurt anyone besides thought failure 18 still virgin fat freaking time joined gym found giving week later social skill better yet skill life wa illuded teacher parent friend thinking wa smarter average worst thing wa good thing saw smart dumb piece shit tried everything could treat depression nothing seems work meditation minimum 30 minute per day medication multiple antipsychotic antidepressant benzodiazepine psychedelic drug lsd magic mushroom dmt name probably tried go psychologist psychiatrist feel better probably worse started worst part even remember started say abuse drug much mainly smoke bit weed every mostly weekend regarding psychedelics done rarely every bit damage reduction could think perhaps indeed disrespect bit mostly taking without prior planning leading uncomfortable set setting since enjoy anymore panic mind instantly tell take xanax benzo get hand however abuse xanax much ended hospital couple time taking much blacking school fucked reputation school friend tried help much could mind fucked confused nothing seems help text getting long still much say try make long get bored quickly grade hill currently 12th grade fail honestly stand another year school rather hang go specially since live isolated island middle nowhere resource limited nothing chance getting girlfriend anywhere honest nobody would love fat piece shit like life unbearable see reason stay alive day playing fcking lol let tell hate game much make blood boil give urge cut wrist make basic math physic chemistry etc make feel even worst cuz need get college understand shit school since study focus mind bombard horrible thought echo mind till put sleep control mind anymore started learning guitar ended giving tried learn program overwhelming starting lose motivation much motivation general backstory wa kid got shot eye air pressure carabine left 10 vision said eye made get fat cuz exercise 2 3 year ended getting bad lifestyle general day computer playing game combined trauma went throught midly toxic family lead becoming disgusting person could think know getting much information confusing please forgive retarded right think kill tried pill ended failing time thinking hanging eventually thinking make blood boil hate life much hate fucking family hate fucking school hate wanna shoot head end take anymore
Do the suicidal thoughts ever really end?,"I’ve been combatting them for years and they are so strong they prevent me from being a functional member of society. I’ve (sort of) attempted suicide twice within the last 8 years. And I wish I just went more balls deep with it when I did. 

I’ve been inpatient in mental hospitals, I’ve done IOP programs, PHP programs, DBT, CBT, etc. for over 13 years and even after following all of these things I’ve learned, the suicidal thoughts always win. I’ve been on prescription after prescription and some may help lessen the frequency but they never actually go away. 

I can’t tell my therapist (or any professional) these things because I’ll instantly be admitted. I’m already $1000+ in debt with medical bills from hospitalizations and therapy, and I can’t afford another useless admission. All hospitalizations are is just a cash grab and a reason to house suicidal people and bankrupt them while profiting off of their health insurance. 

I don’t even have the energy or willpower to go to work anymore. But my boss will fire me if I miss another day of work. But I can’t go to the doctors to get a doctor’s note or provide any excuse as to why I didn’t come in or else I’ll be hospitalized. I don’t care if I get evicted and lose my cats and all my belongings and have to live out of my car. I just can’t function in a work environment when feeling this way. 

It just feels like a vicious circle/catch 22 that I can’t seem to fucking break. Everyone around me just calls me weak and leaves me because I’m such a burden. I’ve always had this small fear in me of the “killing myself” process - the fear of feeling my skull hit the pavement if I jump off of a building; or the fear of feeling myself asphyxiating as a noose constricts all blood flow and airflow to my brain; or the fear of feeling all my organs shut down before my brain does if I overdose. But lately, those fears are becoming less and less of an issue where I’d rather just bite the bullet and be done with it.",UglyStru,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdrjax/do_the_suicidal_thoughts_ever_really_end/,combatting year strong prevent functional member society sort attempted suicide twice within last 8 year wish went ball deep inpatient mental hospital done iop program php program dbt cbt etc 13 year even following thing learned suicidal thought always win prescription prescription may help lessen frequency never actually go away tell therapist professional thing instantly admitted already 1000 debt medical bill hospitalization therapy afford another useless admission hospitalization cash grab reason house suicidal people bankrupt profiting health insurance even energy willpower go work anymore bos fire miss another day work go doctor get doctor note provide excuse come else hospitalized care get evicted lose cat belonging live car function work environment feeling way feel like vicious circle catch 22 seem fucking break everyone around call weak leaf burden always small fear killing process fear feeling skull hit pavement jump building fear feeling asphyxiating noose constricts blood flow airflow brain fear feeling organ shut brain doe overdose lately fear becoming le le issue rather bite bullet done,suicidal thought ever really end,ugly tru,1980,41,ugly tru combatting year strong prevent functional member society sort attempted suicide twice within last 8 year wish went ball deep inpatient mental hospital done iop program php program dbt cbt etc 13 year even following thing learned suicidal thought always win prescription prescription may help lessen frequency never actually go away tell therapist professional thing instantly admitted already 1000 debt medical bill hospitalization therapy afford another useless admission hospitalization cash grab reason house suicidal people bankrupt profiting health insurance even energy willpower go work anymore bos fire miss another day work go doctor get doctor note provide excuse come else hospitalized care get evicted lose cat belonging live car function work environment feeling way feel like vicious circle catch 22 seem fucking break everyone around call weak leaf burden always small fear killing process fear feeling skull hit pavement jump building fear feeling asphyxiating noose constricts blood flow airflow brain fear feeling organ shut brain doe overdose lately fear becoming le le issue rather bite bullet done suicidal thought ever really end
He cancelled our wedding 4 months away from the date...,"I dont know what to do anymore. I was 4 months away from getting married to my best friend of 10 yrs! He says he doesn't know what he wants . Everything was fine. He was actively planning the wedding with me, calling me his fiancee and handing out save the dates. He says he needs time, so I left the house and next week it'll be 1 month of our separation. Everyone is saying ""its better that it happened now vs later"" but it still hurts like hell. I ask for a reason to all of this and he says he doesnt know himself. He posts on instagram that he had to use 100% of his energy to let me go and that i will be happier with someone else. But the thing is I dont want anyone else and i will always choose him. I told him that and he doesnt say anything except not to push him. I love him so much and my heart feels like its going to explode and i feel like dying everyday! I know there are worse things that are happening in the world, and i feel stupid for saying this but i would rather die than to be without him. Not all relationships are perfect, yes we had our issues but we always found a way to work it out. This time around it really CAME OUT OF NO WHERE, it literally blindsided me. I feel crushed and i find myself just going through the motions as to not alarm my family, but I just cant do it anymore. I need my best friend back, I need the love of my life back....I cant tell anyone how i feel because they instantly tell me he is an idiot for leaving you and that i will find someone else. But i dont want anyone else. I just want him...sometimes when im driving back to my parents house (i had to move back in with them) i find myself longing to just drive the car off the road, so that way if i die people would say it was an accident and not that i intentionally did it myself...",Rlr295,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdkql5/he_cancelled_our_wedding_4_months_away_from_the/,dont know anymore wa 4 month away getting married best friend 10 yr say know want everything wa fine wa actively planning wedding calling fiancee handing save date say need time left house next week 1 month separation everyone saying better happened v later still hurt like hell ask reason say doesnt know post instagram use 100 energy let go happier someone else thing dont want anyone else always choose told doesnt say anything except push love much heart feel like going explode feel like dying everyday know worse thing happening world feel stupid saying would rather die without relationship perfect yes issue always found way work time around really came literally blindsided feel crushed find going motion alarm family cant anymore need best friend back need love life back cant tell anyone feel instantly tell idiot leaving find someone else dont want anyone else want sometimes im driving back parent house move back find longing drive car road way die people would say wa accident intentionally,cancelled wedding 4 month away date,rl r 295,1796,55,rl r 295 dont know anymore wa 4 month away getting married best friend 10 yr say know want everything wa fine wa actively planning wedding calling fiancee handing save date say need time left house next week 1 month separation everyone saying better happened v later still hurt like hell ask reason say doesnt know post instagram use 100 energy let go happier someone else thing dont want anyone else always choose told doesnt say anything except push love much heart feel like going explode feel like dying everyday know worse thing happening world feel stupid saying would rather die without relationship perfect yes issue always found way work time around really came literally blindsided feel crushed find going motion alarm family cant anymore need best friend back need love life back cant tell anyone feel instantly tell idiot leaving find someone else dont want anyone else want sometimes im driving back parent house move back find longing drive car road way die people would say wa accident intentionally cancelled wedding 4 month away date
everyday it gets harder to breathe,emptypost,youngdolly,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdoqx2/everyday_it_gets_harder_to_breathe/,emptypost,everyday get harder breathe,young dolly,9,34,young dolly emptypost everyday get harder breathe
I got nothing,"Nothing for me, nothing in me. 

No, it won't be tonight that I kill myself. But hopefully soon. 

I'm good at being useless and passively fucking my life up. By extension, leeching off the few that know and care for me. 

Maybe I'll die in my sleep tonight. I'd love that. 

This sounds pretty edgy. I used to feel edgy, now I don't feel. Not that I miss it.",SandalFishing,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdoqsa/i_got_nothing/,nothing nothing tonight kill hopefully soon good useless passively fucking life extension leeching know care maybe die sleep tonight love sound pretty edgy used feel edgy feel miss,got nothing,sandal fishing,359,13,sandal fishing nothing nothing tonight kill hopefully soon good useless passively fucking life extension leeching know care maybe die sleep tonight love sound pretty edgy used feel edgy feel miss got nothing
going downhill,"Ever since I attempted and failed I have been going downhill in terms of depression. I was feeling more numb than depressed when I attempted. I would've gone to the hospital but I dont have the finances for that. I now have been falling back into a deep dark depression where I cant get up and cant shower and I'm eating less. I think about death and dying still very frequently, especially if anything goes wrong.",throwawayacct98789,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdoolf/going_downhill/,ever since attempted failed going downhill term depression wa feeling numb depressed attempted would gone hospital dont finance falling back deep dark depression cant get cant shower eating le think death dying still frequently especially anything go wrong,going downhill,throwaway acc 98789,414,14,throwaway acc 98789 ever since attempted failed going downhill term depression wa feeling numb depressed attempted would gone hospital dont finance falling back deep dark depression cant get cant shower eating le think death dying still frequently especially anything go wrong going downhill
Help help help,Boom clickbait. What’s like ya know? The easiest quickest to kill yourself? Jumping off a building seems too cliche plus there’s the social awkwardness of getting past the secretary at a business building to get you to a top floor.,Stewbuscus,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdoo03/help_help_help/,boom clickbait like ya know easiest quickest kill jumping building seems cliche plus social awkwardness getting past secretary business building get top floor,help help help,stew bus cu,231,14,stew bus cu boom clickbait like ya know easiest quickest kill jumping building seems cliche plus social awkwardness getting past secretary business building get top floor help help help
Pretty high rn and just wanna empty some thoughts somewhere,"I hate who I am. I've lived a perfectly good life, had loving parents, was never bullied, whatever. Right now I have plenty of friends, a decent social life. I have no excuse for feeling how I feel and I just constantly beat myself up for it. Yet here we are, me just doing drugs every night and eating shitty food in the hopes that they'll kill me faster. Pretty much given up on college, no clue how I'm ever gonna graduate, but not like it matters since I'm not doing anything with my life anyway. Next phase is to get some dead end job till death finally comes. Not much to look forward to. Would have offed myself long ago if it wasn't for my parents, I can't give them the pain of losing their only child to suicide. I also don't wanna hurt my friends, but I'm doing a pretty good job of distancing myself from them so that probably won't be an issue in the future. Living for others sucks, but I mean, what other choice do I have?  I'm definitely not gonna live for myself when the time comes.

So here I am just patiently waiting death. For the most part I've stopped feeling anything. Some days (today) it just hits me like a train, but I usually wake up, just lumber through the whole day doing what's ""expected"" of me, all fake smiles and funny jokes to make people think that I'm normal. Then I come back, waste time with videos games or drugs, sleep, rinse and repeat. I've tried to start a hobby, but I always lose motivation, try to talk to people, but only exchange empty words. Don't see my condition improving in any way (not like it's possible anyway). Life sucks, it always has and always will. I just really hope that I don't get the chance to make it to 30 years.

I despise this cycle, I hate that you're forced to participate, and I hate that people tell you that you're the one with ""a problem"" for thinking that things shouldn't be this way. Isn't it cruel to keep someone in misery when relief is so easily available? But of course, forcing them to suffer is obviously the moral choice here. So I guess suffer I will, cause apparently society decided that this was the right choice. 

In short, all I'm looking forward to is the day that I'll be able to kill myself guilt free, hope it'll come sooner rather than later.",MatchaPrecciated,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdr9l9/pretty_high_rn_and_just_wanna_empty_some_thoughts/,hate lived perfectly good life loving parent wa never bullied whatever right plenty friend decent social life excuse feeling feel constantly beat yet drug every night eating shitty food hope kill faster pretty much given college clue ever gonna graduate like matter since anything life anyway next phase get dead end job till death finally come much look forward would offed long ago parent give pain losing child suicide also wanna hurt friend pretty good job distancing probably issue future living others suck mean choice definitely gonna live time come patiently waiting death part stopped feeling anything day today hit like train usually wake lumber whole day expected fake smile funny joke make people think normal come back waste time video game drug sleep rinse repeat tried start hobby always lose motivation try talk people exchange empty word see condition improving way like possible anyway life suck always ha always really hope get chance make 30 year despise cycle hate forced participate hate people tell one problem thinking thing way cruel keep someone misery relief easily available course forcing suffer obviously moral choice guess suffer cause apparently society decided wa right choice short looking forward day able kill guilt free hope come sooner rather later,pretty high rn wanna empty thought somewhere,matcha pre cci ted,2246,59,matcha pre cci ted hate lived perfectly good life loving parent wa never bullied whatever right plenty friend decent social life excuse feeling feel constantly beat yet drug every night eating shitty food hope kill faster pretty much given college clue ever gonna graduate like matter since anything life anyway next phase get dead end job till death finally come much look forward would offed long ago parent give pain losing child suicide also wanna hurt friend pretty good job distancing probably issue future living others suck mean choice definitely gonna live time come patiently waiting death part stopped feeling anything day today hit like train usually wake lumber whole day expected fake smile funny joke make people think normal come back waste time video game drug sleep rinse repeat tried start hobby always lose motivation try talk people exchange empty word see condition improving way like possible anyway life suck always ha always really hope get chance make 30 year despise cycle hate forced participate hate people tell one problem thinking thing way cruel keep someone misery relief easily available course forcing suffer obviously moral choice guess suffer cause apparently society decided wa right choice short looking forward day able kill guilt free hope come sooner rather later pretty high rn wanna empty thought somewhere
I won't be able to withstand this forever,"I just finished half of my current career... Pretty much four semesters, and almost nothing has changed.

Being honest, I've been trying to hold on for three and a half years after that Asperger misdiagnosis, but eventually it becomes unbearable... I keep thinking that some people treat me in a more child like way, or as if I were disabled, or just talking to me when we are face or face or for college stuff, but no more than that.

My mom has been trying to understand, but she says it's difficult, because she's a more self sufficient person, and she doesn't understand why I'm so obsessed with friendship.

Now I'll go to my psychologist in a few days, and I don't know how to make her understand as well... Sometimes, I think my problem isn't something that can be fixed by just believing in myself.

It's the main reason I want to die, it's the main reason I lost a lot of things and people in these past years... It destroyed my life, and I don't know how to make my mom and psychologist understand that.

I don't think I'll be able to withstand that forever. For now I can, but I feel that if the future will be the same, eventually I'll break down or have a nervous breakdown...

Believe me, it hurts to realize everything you lost, I know, it was my fault for saying it, I didn't know the consequences it would bring...

I'm tired of feeling like this, not being able to say what I really want to say to others, feeling treated like a child, trying to explain and almost no one understands... I'm not saying this because I want to bother people or to complain about life, I'm saying this because I feel like I'm very stunted compared to other people around my age, because they may think I'm a weirdo...",LifeisCrumbling,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdom5a/i_wont_be_able_to_withstand_this_forever/,finished half current career pretty much four semester almost nothing ha changed honest trying hold three half year asperger misdiagnosis eventually becomes unbearable keep thinking people treat child like way disabled talking face face college stuff mom ha trying understand say difficult self sufficient person understand obsessed friendship go psychologist day know make understand well sometimes think problem something fixed believing main reason want die main reason lost lot thing people past year destroyed life know make mom psychologist understand think able withstand forever feel future eventually break nervous breakdown believe hurt realize everything lost know wa fault saying know consequence would bring tired feeling like able say really want say others feeling treated like child trying explain almost one understands saying want bother people complain life saying feel like stunted compared people around age may think weirdo,able withstand forever,life crumbling,1715,41,life crumbling finished half current career pretty much four semester almost nothing ha changed honest trying hold three half year asperger misdiagnosis eventually becomes unbearable keep thinking people treat child like way disabled talking face face college stuff mom ha trying understand say difficult self sufficient person understand obsessed friendship go psychologist day know make understand well sometimes think problem something fixed believing main reason want die main reason lost lot thing people past year destroyed life know make mom psychologist understand think able withstand forever feel future eventually break nervous breakdown believe hurt realize everything lost know wa fault saying know consequence would bring tired feeling like able say really want say others feeling treated like child trying explain almost one understands saying want bother people complain life saying feel like stunted compared people around age may think weirdo able withstand forever
Please Help,"Hey guys,

so this is a throwaway account for reasons...

Anyways, I'm a freshman in high school and overall, I have pretty decent grades and I play violin (since preschool) and do sports. I have an extremely caring an overall amazing boyfriend, and an awesome friend who I basically consider as an older brother.

I have nothing to live for. My mother is verbally abusive, and when I call out for help with the few close friends I have left, she says I'm lying and she'll call me out and ruin my life. Now, I don't even know if I'm lying or not. If I am, just ignore this then. I really don't know anymore. Everyday, I'm so confused. I have no right to be proud of anything, and because I go to a really tough high school, often I don't have the time to practice violin (but I do a lot of competitions and honor orch, etc. so yeah not good) and yanno, college applications are coming up and I don't think I have anything to show. I do homework during class so I can finally relax during lunch, but I tell my mom I do homework during lunch to avoid getting my ass kicked. She compulsively checks my phone and reads my texts (more than I have my phone, her reason is that my parents bought it and not me), goes through my stuff and takes it, then tells me she did nothing of the sort, and yet I'm the crazy horrible reputation ruining liar here. I guess I don't even know if I am?

I'm just so tired of it all. I know that there's things to look forward to and live for, but I feel nothing for it. I've had suicidal thoughts and depression and whatever and my mom is saying I'm lying and making it up. I just don't know what to do, because even though I'm just a teenager, I could probably say my boyfriend is the only person I'd want to spend life with if things work out (I've dated before and so has he). But as of now, I'm giving everyone aneurysms or something dealing with me and getting mad at me. My violin and sports are doing basically nothing because I don't have time or energy and this generation is pretty damn good at this stuff. The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that I know my boyfriend probably would have a really hard time dealing with the fact that I was gone, for a very long time. I've been debating ending the relationship to make it easier on him.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to ask of y'all. Just please help me. I'm talked out. I just don't know anymore. Everytime someone tries to help everything honestly just gets worse. I don't have the energy or the will to eat, or function, tbh.",emptywishes007,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdr971/please_help/,hey guy throwaway account reason anyways freshman high school overall pretty decent grade play violin since preschool sport extremely caring overall amazing boyfriend awesome friend basically consider older brother nothing live mother verbally abusive call help close friend left say lying call ruin life even know lying ignore really know anymore everyday confused right proud anything go really tough high school often time practice violin lot competition honor orch etc yeah good yanno college application coming think anything show homework class finally relax lunch tell mom homework lunch avoid getting kicked compulsively check phone read text phone reason parent bought go stuff take tell nothing sort yet crazy horrible reputation ruining liar guess even know tired know thing look forward live feel nothing suicidal thought depression whatever mom saying lying making know even though teenager could probably say boyfriend person want spend life thing work dated ha giving everyone aneurysm something dealing getting mad violin sport basically nothing time energy generation pretty damn good stuff thing keeping alive fact know boyfriend probably would really hard time dealing fact wa gone long time debating ending relationship make easier sorry know ask please help talked know anymore everytime someone try help everything honestly get worse energy eat function tbh,please help,empty wish 007,2523,11,empty wish 007 hey guy throwaway account reason anyways freshman high school overall pretty decent grade play violin since preschool sport extremely caring overall amazing boyfriend awesome friend basically consider older brother nothing live mother verbally abusive call help close friend left say lying call ruin life even know lying ignore really know anymore everyday confused right proud anything go really tough high school often time practice violin lot competition honor orch etc yeah good yanno college application coming think anything show homework class finally relax lunch tell mom homework lunch avoid getting kicked compulsively check phone read text phone reason parent bought go stuff take tell nothing sort yet crazy horrible reputation ruining liar guess even know tired know thing look forward live feel nothing suicidal thought depression whatever mom saying lying making know even though teenager could probably say boyfriend person want spend life thing work dated ha giving everyone aneurysm something dealing getting mad violin sport basically nothing time energy generation pretty damn good stuff thing keeping alive fact know boyfriend probably would really hard time dealing fact wa gone long time debating ending relationship make easier sorry know ask please help talked know anymore everytime someone try help everything honestly get worse energy eat function tbh please help
Can’t stop my mind,I think every night I wish I wouldn’t wake up. I thought the divorce would help the feelings. I thought therapy would help. I thought pills would help. But everyday is sad and all consuming. I can’t think about anything other than my situation or killing myself often at the same time. I’m so tired of the next day coming. Finding myself praying to find the courage to do it vs the courage to not do it. Today isn’t the day for me but it feels inevitable.,throwRAisitover,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlgtn/cant_stop_my_mind/,think every night wish wake thought divorce would help feeling thought therapy would help thought pill would help everyday sad consuming think anything situation killing often time tired next day coming finding praying find courage v courage today day feel inevitable,stop mind,throw ra,455,18,throw ra think every night wish wake thought divorce would help feeling thought therapy would help thought pill would help everyday sad consuming think anything situation killing often time tired next day coming finding praying find courage v courage today day feel inevitable stop mind
I need clarification..what am I as a reader on suicide watch supposed to do?,emptypost,straightfwdnolies,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdoigj/i_need_clarificationwhat_am_i_as_a_reader_on/,emptypost,need clarification reader suicide watch supposed,straight fwd lie,9,76,straight fwd lie emptypost need clarification reader suicide watch supposed
My story,"Last year I was a freshman in highshighschool. Near the end I was ready. I was gonna do it then one of the people told my mom and got me help. I told 3 people john, alex, and gabriel. Kohn said he would help me but lied. Alex did nothing and gabriel helped me. A few nights ago john texted me. This is our conversation.



John: I know you hate and despise me with a passion, But I must ask, Why? I just kinda needed some clearence. I'm not here to pick a fight with you, but to come to an understanding, So looks like u have spent 10 mins typing, I guess I can expect a bomb drop on me or som.

Me: I was on the verge of suicide and u said u would do something u promised and I hoped deep down someone would I was going to kill my fucking self on the 13 of july that year stab in the heart with a fuckin knife u promised me someone who I dispite all other judgement thought was a good if not the closest friend I had u did nothing u would've let me die it was gabriel the one who I thought wouldn't give a shit because of all the shit we went through it was him who got me the fucking help I hate u so fuck much so so much with all my fucking heart every muscle and bone and tendon and bit of flesh burns with hatred when i even think about u and the worst part is i cant unthink it I cant just forget an entire year cause I fuckin would forget u exist forget the entirety of 8th grade then some more u go around saying oh jay was just faking it he wanted the attention I was going to fuckin die and u were gonna sit there and watch with ur thumb up ur ass like some sorta fuckin beast of the fields then u come back to me and ask what I did wrong why do u hate me like that's a question then ur not even gonna say sorry u weren't just a shitty friend ur a shitty person and I made it my mission now to stop people from making the same mistake I did trusting u fuck I was a goddamn idiot but it doesn't even matter now I know where everyone stands when I asked them to pick a side a while back and they said they were with me only to lie and be with u I know now I only hate 3 things u Hitler and satan and u u didnt even do just that u hit ur brother u shot at me with a bb gun u hit my head with a bat and each time I tried to be a friend have someone by myside thought it would be u guess not then theres ur sarcasm again and I could keep going but ur rushing me so here


John: Well holy shit That was... Okay look man I'm honestly speechless But I need you to understand my perception I thought that you were just up to ur usual antics and I thought u were begging for attention, and I decided to not give you that attention. You aren't gonna believe me but I am honestly truly sorry if you felt and continue to feel this way I mean I never wanted any of this, I was led to believe that you had gone mad and I had to leave it at there Suicide is stupid by the way, I have considered that for myself in the past and I'm telling you it does not go well because those who have acted on that literally destroy their loved ones. You need to understand that I never wanted to hurt you in the way that you felt I just thought it was a bucket of bullshit, but I know realize you needed help Look I wanna clear the air here, I know you'll never consider me friend and that you hate my guts, but I want to make my peace with you and I want you to understand that I never hated you, and I am a man who believes in redemption There's nothing I can do, you clearly are a broken individual, I pray for your healing and I hope god watches you I hope that you seek help and that you talk to someone about this

Me: Horse shit

John: Ik that's what you think

Me: Need I continue Or do u wanna talk in person

John: Look man all I can say is god bless your soul, may his angels watch you, may you be free of this cursed darkness, and if you wanna talk in person I'm totally up for that

Me: Tomorrow freshman bathrooms by the commons around a lunch

John: I have a class I need to attend for and my schedule is kinda tight, but I could tomorrow morning at the main commons or som I believe you and I have a shared friend, Jake Maybe he could be present as we hash things out 

Me: No This is a u and me thing Fuck class

John: Of course, but listen if you wanna reach me, I'm around in the mornings or C lunch period

Me: Fuck that then

John: I kinda got fucked with the tardies rn so... I mean I'm open to discussing with you 

Me: Fuck ok 

John: I just need a time that works for both of us

Me: I'm just gonna say it all here

John: I can get on call if you like?

Me: Cant

John: Aight Then ig you just tell me here

Me: Shortened version 

Beginning of 9th grade I was completely alone u guys who were supposed to be my fuckin friends ran from me knew no one talked to no one only friend I had was jd and hes an ass on his own lowering my self esteem and all this went on for a month finally when I caught hold of u I invited u all to my birthday where everyone fucked off on their own leaving me once again alone to top that off all 3 of u alex gabriel and u tried to leave then homecoming where my past finally caught up to me I met someone we went on a date and it was ok I got to the house only to find some cunt who left the group who u took the place of and he told them everything about me how I hurt people without remorse and how I would so it again and how I was dangerous and shit they knew and I went with them they tried confronting me about it but I lied I hate liars and I lied to make that worse she was with someone else and I couldn't do shit about it when I go over to look for u bing notification everyone except me with the caption only friends I need or something I didnt have a ride home so I went back each question getting more and more personal until my dad came where I had to lie to him too and mom I knew I was alone then thought for a while then the idea slipped in for all but a second talked myself out ended the semester kicked out of 4 groups and our relationship starting to tear

Second half dad beat me mom beat me I wasnt doing well anywhere I went I was getting called a school shooter mick was getting away with everything and I was constantly at the bottom always mom thinks I'm gay humiliates me to the point of breaking down telling her I'm not only to find out later she didnt believe me start to lose friends over time get kicked out of sam billings table and im alone idea slips in I think on it for a bit longer before talking myself out again dad moves to Arizona leaving mom stressed jd convinces me I'm not a good person I give him a peice of my mind we dont talk for a bit I get in a fight lose and get made fun of for it the idea is set now stuck in my head I'm going to do this i need to mom humiliates me further but apologizes I know it's fake I say to myself I should probably tell the fuckers so they aren't blindsided gabriel snitches later that night and I have a difficult conversation with mom concerning my mental health I go to therapy over the summer

This year I come to school knowing jake over summer hoping I have at least lunch but no I no nobody I'm alone again I see Sam's tables broken up over schedules I say not again and assemble what I can every other persons telling me I'm gay kill myself or something I know I need to keep loving myself even if I'm alone then I get word that u were telling people I  was saying I was going to kill myself for attention then the switch flipped I hate u always will I will never forgive u gabriel or alex never I bullshat my way into Jake's friend Austin's life stayed there expanded my group 

Now after thinking to myself why I'm even trying I realize u dont care ur a self centered asshole I had my fair share of toxicity but u took the cake and it was my fault for inviting u to the table now I see some freshman showing the same mannerisms as u and I know I need to stop it because u were a good friend but then u stopped and I dont understand that I don't get it why it doesn't matter the only one u care about is u and u will do anything to make sure u are ok or u come out on top like u have been but it doesn't matter I have the first real friend I had in a while a trustworthy group of friends and a gf lifes uphill only problem is u and I'm stuck on that cant shake it u aren't a good person idk if its u lashing out because of the divorce or u just think ur better than others or what anyways every part of my body wants u to burn in hell 
If that's too much to read listen to creep humility and magic city

John: I finished it all It was alot but I read it I don't what to say So you think I'm some narcisstic prick So much self pity man, and I have to say this really isnt healthy 

Me: Typical I said what I had to

John: You may not be able to forgive me, but you need to understand that this is not how any human being should live I wouldnt wish how you feel on my worst enemy

Me: I look for the good in everything I cant find any in u I said what i had to

John: I know Again you may think I'm some prideful narcisstic son on a bitch, but I do care about people, especially for those who are broken

Me: U are Look in a mirror and think long and hard about urself

John: I mean thats only how you view me There are millions of ways different people who see you You think I'm a bad man, and I accept your thoughts, I mean thats not who I am, but if thats the picture you painted then I'm sorry

Me: I'm an asshole that's how 80% of people see me and I'm ok with that But ask any one

John: My advice to you is find a light, be free, never let the pain, the darkness determine who you are

Me: Tell them answer honestly Dont therapize me

John: I'm happy that you met Jake, he is a truly great friend and is very supportive, I'm glad that you have someone like him in your life

Me: Fuck off with ur therapeutic bullshit

John: I'm not being your therapist, but the more you hang on to this hate and anger, than life will just be a major bummer I mean ur stubborn man

Me: Thing is I want to forgive and forget But I cant

John: And you can Thats ur choice

Me: U may be sorry now

John: U can let go of it all

Me: But that doesn't fix what ubdid U did*

John: What I did? Its all in ur head

Me:  I will never forgive u

John: You painted this fucked up picture of me

Me: Or alex Or gabriel I will not because theres no good in u We all see ourselves as saints and our enemies as devils

John: I'm not your enemy

Me: To me ur just the shittyiest of shitty people U are John U are

John: Than thats a u problem

Me: U were about to let me die After u promised to be with me Then u lie

John: First of all suicide is an option and I never advised you to do that

Me: I told u And gabriel And alex Only u 3

John: What was I supposed to do?  Did you want me to call a hotline or som?

Me: U were supposed to be my friend Just be my friend But u didnt and u cant and u won't

John: I wanted to be your friend, and I'm sorry that I decided to not even say anything That I took ur claims as an attention stunt

Me: U say sorry now because I explained U arent Dont kid urself 

John: Your in a dark dark place, and I feel very sorry for you, your broken and fucked up and all I can do is wish you the best Jay

Me: Were I'm not anymore I was in a dark place Things are fucked up Yes but that's gonna help later Gammbette jay gammbette and be kensuki Words I tell myself every morning Gammbette do your best in try in Japanese Kensuki the art of using gold to repair broken things Ik I'm broken but I'm fixing myself Something I would recommend u do

John: I'm happy for you

Me: No u fuckin aren't

John: Think what you want

Me: I can almost smell the bullshit Its alarming

John: Well again thats a u issue Nothing I can do about that

Me: I can't do shit about that Change my view I'm just gonna let u know rn I mean every word I say

John: So ig we are not on good terms? And cannot change it

Me: I hate u and cant forgive u I'm sorry But what you did to me I cant forgive

John: Take care of yourself Jay, I hope you find your inner peace, I hope you can achieve your nirvana Goodbye

Me: Fuck off with that bullshit I'll get it eventually but I hope I dont see u again",00JayXD2,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdohum/my_story/,last year wa freshman highshighschool near end wa ready wa gonna one people told mom got help told 3 people john alex gabriel kohn said would help lied alex nothing gabriel helped night ago john texted conversation john know hate despise passion must ask kinda needed clearence pick fight come understanding look like u spent 10 min typing guess expect bomb drop som wa verge suicide u said u would something u promised hoped deep someone would wa going kill fucking self 13 july year stab heart fuckin knife u promised someone dispite judgement thought wa good closest friend u nothing u would let die wa gabriel one thought give shit shit went wa got fucking help hate u fuck much much fucking heart every muscle bone tendon bit flesh burn hatred even think u worst part cant unthink cant forget entire year cause fuckin would forget u exist forget entirety 8th grade u go around saying oh jay wa faking wanted attention wa going fuckin die u gonna sit watch ur thumb ur like sorta fuckin beast field u come back ask wrong u hate like question ur even gonna say sorry u shitty friend ur shitty person made mission stop people making mistake trusting u fuck wa goddamn idiot even matter know everyone stand asked pick side back said lie u know hate 3 thing u hitler satan u u didnt even u hit ur brother u shot bb gun u hit head bat time tried friend someone myside thought would u guess ur sarcasm could keep going ur rushing john well holy shit wa okay look man honestly speechless need understand perception thought ur usual antic thought u begging attention decided give attention gonna believe honestly truly sorry felt continue feel way mean never wanted wa led believe gone mad leave suicide stupid way considered past telling doe go well acted literally destroy loved one need understand never wanted hurt way felt thought wa bucket bullshit know realize needed help look wanna clear air know never consider friend hate gut want make peace want understand never hated man belief redemption nothing clearly broken individual pray healing hope god watch hope seek help talk someone horse shit john ik think need continue u wanna talk person john look man say god bless soul may angel watch may free cursed darkness wanna talk person totally tomorrow freshman bathroom common around lunch john class need attend schedule kinda tight could tomorrow morning main common som believe shared friend jake maybe could present hash thing u thing fuck class john course listen wanna reach around morning c lunch period fuck john kinda got fucked tardies rn mean open discussing fuck ok john need time work u gonna say john get call like cant john aight ig tell shortened version beginning 9th grade wa completely alone u guy supposed fuckin friend ran knew one talked one friend wa jd lowering self esteem went month finally caught hold u invited u birthday everyone fucked leaving alone top 3 u alex gabriel u tried leave homecoming past finally caught met someone went date wa ok got house find cunt left group u took place told everything hurt people without remorse would wa dangerous shit knew went tried confronting lied hate liar lied make worse wa someone else shit go look u bing notification everyone except caption friend need something didnt ride home went back question getting personal dad came lie mom knew wa alone thought idea slipped second talked ended semester kicked 4 group relationship starting tear second half dad beat mom beat wasnt well anywhere went wa getting called school shooter mick wa getting away everything wa constantly bottom always mom think gay humiliates point breaking telling find later didnt believe start lose friend time get kicked sam billing table im alone idea slip think bit longer talking dad move arizona leaving mom stressed jd convinces good person give peice mind dont talk bit get fight lose get made fun idea set stuck head going need mom humiliates apologizes know fake say probably tell fucker blindsided gabriel snitch later night difficult conversation mom concerning mental health go therapy summer year come school knowing jake summer hoping least lunch nobody alone see sam table broken schedule say assemble every person telling gay kill something know need keep loving even alone get word u telling people wa saying wa going kill attention switch flipped hate u always never forgive u gabriel alex never bullshat way jake friend austin life stayed expanded group thinking even trying realize u dont care ur self centered asshole fair share toxicity u took cake wa fault inviting u table see freshman showing mannerism u know need stop u good friend u stopped dont understand get matter one u care u u anything make sure u ok u come top like u matter first real friend trustworthy group friend gf life uphill problem u stuck cant shake u good person idk u lashing divorce u think ur better others anyways every part body want u burn hell much read listen creep humility magic city john finished wa alot read say think narcisstic prick much self pity man say really isnt healthy typical said john may able forgive need understand human live wouldnt wish feel worst enemy look good everything cant find u said john know may think prideful narcisstic son bitch care people especially broken u look mirror think long hard urself john mean thats view million way different people see think bad man accept thought mean thats thats picture painted sorry asshole 80 people see ok ask one john advice find light free never let pain darkness determine tell answer honestly dont therapize john happy met jake truly great friend supportive glad someone like life fuck ur therapeutic bullshit john therapist hang hate anger life major bummer mean ur stubborn man thing want forgive forget cant john thats ur choice u may sorry john u let go fix ubdid u john ur head never forgive u john painted fucked picture alex gabriel good u see saint enemy devil john enemy ur shittyiest shitty people u john u john thats u problem u let die u promised u lie john first suicide option never advised told u gabriel alex u 3 john wa supposed want call hotline som u supposed friend friend u didnt u cant u john wanted friend sorry decided even say anything took ur claim attention stunt u say sorry explained u arent dont kid urself john dark dark place feel sorry broken fucked wish best jay anymore wa dark place thing fucked yes gonna help later gammbette jay gammbette kensuki word tell every morning gammbette best try japanese kensuki art using gold repair broken thing ik broken fixing something would recommend u john happy u fuckin john think want almost smell bullshit alarming john well thats u issue nothing shit change view gonna let u know rn mean every word say john ig good term cannot change hate u cant forgive u sorry cant forgive john take care jay hope find inner peace hope achieve nirvana goodbye fuck bullshit get eventually hope dont see u,story,00 jay xd 2,12196,8,00 jay xd 2 last year wa freshman highshighschool near end wa ready wa gonna one people told mom got help told 3 people john alex gabriel kohn said would help lied alex nothing gabriel helped night ago john texted conversation john know hate despise passion must ask kinda needed clearence pick fight come understanding look like u spent 10 min typing guess expect bomb drop som wa verge suicide u said u would something u promised hoped deep someone would wa going kill fucking self 13 july year stab heart fuckin knife u promised someone dispite judgement thought wa good closest friend u nothing u would let die wa gabriel one thought give shit shit went wa got fucking help hate u fuck much much fucking heart every muscle bone tendon bit flesh burn hatred even think u worst part cant unthink cant forget entire year cause fuckin would forget u exist forget entirety 8th grade u go around saying oh jay wa faking wanted attention wa going fuckin die u gonna sit watch ur thumb ur like sorta fuckin beast field u come back ask wrong u hate like question ur even gonna say sorry u shitty friend ur shitty person made mission stop people making mistake trusting u fuck wa goddamn idiot even matter know everyone stand asked pick side back said lie u know hate 3 thing u hitler satan u u didnt even u hit ur brother u shot bb gun u hit head bat time tried friend someone myside thought would u guess ur sarcasm could keep going ur rushing john well holy shit wa okay look man honestly speechless need understand perception thought ur usual antic thought u begging attention decided give attention gonna believe honestly truly sorry felt continue feel way mean never wanted wa led believe gone mad leave suicide stupid way considered past telling doe go well acted literally destroy loved one need understand never wanted hurt way felt thought wa bucket bullshit know realize needed help look wanna clear air know never consider friend hate gut want make peace want understand never hated man belief redemption nothing clearly broken individual pray healing hope god watch hope seek help talk someone horse shit john ik think need continue u wanna talk person john look man say god bless soul may angel watch may free cursed darkness wanna talk person totally tomorrow freshman bathroom common around lunch john class need attend schedule kinda tight could tomorrow morning main common som believe shared friend jake maybe could present hash thing u thing fuck class john course listen wanna reach around morning c lunch period fuck john kinda got fucked tardies rn mean open discussing fuck ok john need time work u gonna say john get call like cant john aight ig tell shortened version beginning 9th grade wa completely alone u guy supposed fuckin friend ran knew one talked one friend wa jd lowering self esteem went month finally caught hold u invited u birthday everyone fucked leaving alone top 3 u alex gabriel u tried leave homecoming past finally caught met someone went date wa ok got house find cunt left group u took place told everything hurt people without remorse would wa dangerous shit knew went tried confronting lied hate liar lied make worse wa someone else shit go look u bing notification everyone except caption friend need something didnt ride home went back question getting personal dad came lie mom knew wa alone thought idea slipped second talked ended semester kicked 4 group relationship starting tear second half dad beat mom beat wasnt well anywhere went wa getting called school shooter mick wa getting away everything wa constantly bottom always mom think gay humiliates point breaking telling find later didnt believe start lose friend time get kicked sam billing table im alone idea slip think bit longer talking dad move arizona leaving mom stressed jd convinces good person give peice mind dont talk bit get fight lose get made fun idea set stuck head going need mom humiliates apologizes know fake say probably tell fucker blindsided gabriel snitch later night difficult conversation mom concerning mental health go therapy summer year come school knowing jake summer hoping least lunch nobody alone see sam table broken schedule say assemble every person telling gay kill something know need keep loving even alone get word u telling people wa saying wa going kill attention switch flipped hate u always never forgive u gabriel alex never bullshat way jake friend austin life stayed expanded group thinking even trying realize u dont care ur self centered asshole fair share toxicity u took cake wa fault inviting u table see freshman showing mannerism u know need stop u good friend u stopped dont understand get matter one u care u u anything make sure u ok u come top like u matter first real friend trustworthy group friend gf life uphill problem u stuck cant shake u good person idk u lashing divorce u think ur better others anyways every part body want u burn hell much read listen creep humility magic city john finished wa alot read say think narcisstic prick much self pity man say really isnt healthy typical said john may able forgive need understand human live wouldnt wish feel worst enemy look good everything cant find u said john know may think prideful narcisstic son bitch care people especially broken u look mirror think long hard urself john mean thats view million way different people see think bad man accept thought mean thats thats picture painted sorry asshole 80 people see ok ask one john advice find light free never let pain darkness determine tell answer honestly dont therapize john happy met jake truly great friend supportive glad someone like life fuck ur therapeutic bullshit john therapist hang hate anger life major bummer mean ur stubborn man thing want forgive forget cant john thats ur choice u may sorry john u let go fix ubdid u john ur head never forgive u john painted fucked picture alex gabriel good u see saint enemy devil john enemy ur shittyiest shitty people u john u john thats u problem u let die u promised u lie john first suicide option never advised told u gabriel alex u 3 john wa supposed want call hotline som u supposed friend friend u didnt u cant u john wanted friend sorry decided even say anything took ur claim attention stunt u say sorry explained u arent dont kid urself john dark dark place feel sorry broken fucked wish best jay anymore wa dark place thing fucked yes gonna help later gammbette jay gammbette kensuki word tell every morning gammbette best try japanese kensuki art using gold repair broken thing ik broken fixing something would recommend u john happy u fuckin john think want almost smell bullshit alarming john well thats u issue nothing shit change view gonna let u know rn mean every word say john ig good term cannot change hate u cant forgive u sorry cant forgive john take care jay hope find inner peace hope achieve nirvana goodbye fuck bullshit get eventually hope dont see u story
Ive never been closer to killing myself than now,Got rejected twice today lowest score in my class and lost my last friend i could talk to. My parents say that if i dont get good enough grades they will kick me out ive tried tinder in search of maybe someone i went to 11 likes but found out the hard way people could unlike you. The ones i did match never responded. The only thing keeping me from my own knife is the fact that im too much of a pu55y to do it,big_conkus,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdff23/ive_never_been_closer_to_killing_myself_than_now/,got rejected twice today lowest score class lost last friend could talk parent say dont get good enough grade kick ive tried tinder search maybe someone went 11 like found hard way people could unlike one match never responded thing keeping knife fact im much pu55y,ive never closer killing,big conk u,411,48,big conk u got rejected twice today lowest score class lost last friend could talk parent say dont get good enough grade kick ive tried tinder search maybe someone went 11 like found hard way people could unlike one match never responded thing keeping knife fact im much pu55y ive never closer killing
going through a rough time and need some advice,can someone message me please. feeling so overwhelmed and i don’t know what to do. my mentally unstable brain decides suicide is the answer to any situation big or small and i’m tired of it,throwawayyy111o,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlay9/going_through_a_rough_time_and_need_some_advice/,someone message please feeling overwhelmed know mentally unstable brain decides suicide answer situation big small tired,going rough time need advice,throwaway yy 111,189,47,throwaway yy 111 someone message please feeling overwhelmed know mentally unstable brain decides suicide answer situation big small tired going rough time need advice
I almost killed myself and now I'm shaking,"I run on my bike for hours, got very out of town and didn't even realize, had this plan of jumping in front of a car on the highway. Sstill seems am ok plan. don't even know why I'm writing here, I don't know what to do. I'm sitting on the dark shaking. My feet hurt I'm exhausted and just want to lay on the ground and hope for sleep",human_speaking,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlabt/i_almost_killed_myself_and_now_im_shaking/,run bike hour got town even realize plan jumping front car highway sstill seems ok plan even know writing know sitting dark shaking foot hurt exhausted want lay ground hope sleep,almost killed shaking,human speaking,334,42,human speaking run bike hour got town even realize plan jumping front car highway sstill seems ok plan even know writing know sitting dark shaking foot hurt exhausted want lay ground hope sleep almost killed shaking
helppppp,"oki so idrk why I'm doing this, ig maybe I'm just wallowing in self pity, but I rlly dont see why I should be alive anymore. my gf broke up with me, I no longer talk to my best friend, and I have good friends, i just feel so lonely all the time, like I'm drowning, and i feel like everyone is leaving me one by one and maybe it would help if i just died now because at least there would be someone who cared. what can I do?",ameliashoney,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdr0ka/helppppp/,oki idrk ig maybe wallowing self pity rlly dont see alive anymore gf broke longer talk best friend good friend feel lonely time like drowning feel like everyone leaving one one maybe would help died least would someone cared,helppppp,amelia honey,423,8,amelia honey oki idrk ig maybe wallowing self pity rlly dont see alive anymore gf broke longer talk best friend good friend feel lonely time like drowning feel like everyone leaving one one maybe would help died least would someone cared helppppp
I feel so low it physically hurts,"My heart hurts from the pain, I wish I could just disappear, my parents have gone through so much because of me, they do so much to make me happy ,Even my siblings are jealous, I feel so guilty they have to deal with me, see their child try to kill themselves everyday, crying from depression. I just want them to know I love them so much, I can’t even describe how much I love them, and I’m so sorry for what I’m doing, what I am feeling, what I am going to do in the future, I would love to change  but I can’t.

I just wish there is something I can do to feel happy again.",snakesnack148,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd11p6/i_feel_so_low_it_physically_hurts/,heart hurt pain wish could disappear parent gone much much make happy even sibling jealous feel guilty deal see child try kill everyday cry depression want know love much even describe much love sorry feeling going future would love change wish something feel happy,feel low physically hurt,snake snack 148,575,33,snake snack 148 heart hurt pain wish could disappear parent gone much much make happy even sibling jealous feel guilty deal see child try kill everyday cry depression want know love much even describe much love sorry feeling going future would love change wish something feel happy feel low physically hurt
This is why I want to kill myself... Considering doing it tonight,"I'm nearly 23 years old. My father abandoned our family when I was 14. He was my best friend at the time... I haven't seen him in 6 years. This void made me become extremely close to my few friends. My clinginess reached a point where they got fed up from me and my anxiety and paranoia, that I've now lost my closest friends. I used to reach out to them for help, but it reached a point where everything was on their shoulders and they couldn't handle it anymore, so they distanced themselves with time.  
I used to be more fit and more attractive, but my life has taken a downwards spiral. I've gained about 70 lbs and my self-consciousness eats me up on the inside. My anxiety is through the roof and I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I'm on anxiety meds but truly think I should be on anti-depressants. I am now failing out of school and I don't have the heart to tell my mother. It will break her, but also I know that once she finds out, my life will probably turn into more of a hell, as she's always had extremely high standards for me. 

I'm still a virgin. I've never had a girlfriend. I was seeing this girl when I was 17, but that was about it. And that was at my peak attractiveness. It is now laughable how unattractive I am. People will literally laugh at me because of my appearance. My self-confidence is inexistent. I get anxiety attacks when people just look at me because I think that they are judging me on how I look. I can't deal with this anymore.

I moved away from my hometown 3 years ago for university. I haven't made a single new friend. I live alone. I literally don't use my voice anymore because I have no one to talk to. It reaches the point where I talk to myself because I'm scared that if I go without talking for so long that I will lose my voice. The only time I used to use my voice was while playing video-games online, it was the only thing that brought me a bit of joy. But my console broke, and I can't afford to fix it.

I have no ambitions. I don't know what I want to do in life. Everyone around me seems to have it figured out. Meanwhile, I'm a loser that is eating his life away. The only future I envision having is honestly the one where I throw myself off of my apartment building. I think about just ending it all the time. 

I feel alone in this world, and I don't have the motivation nor the self-confidence to do anything about it. The only people that may care about me are the couple family members I have, but I have put them under so much shit for all of the stuff I've done in the past that they are fed up with me. I want to kill myself, I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.",LukerTheDuker,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdo69f/this_is_why_i_want_to_kill_myself_considering/,nearly 23 year old father abandoned family wa 14 wa best friend time seen 6 year void made become extremely close friend clinginess reached point got fed anxiety paranoia lost closest friend used reach help reached point everything wa shoulder handle anymore distanced time used fit attractive life ha taken downwards spiral gained 70 lb self consciousness eats inside anxiety roof motivation anything anymore anxiety med truly think anti depressant failing school heart tell mother break also know find life probably turn hell always extremely high standard still virgin never girlfriend wa seeing girl wa 17 wa wa peak attractiveness laughable unattractive people literally laugh appearance self confidence inexistent get anxiety attack people look think judging look deal anymore moved away hometown 3 year ago university made single new friend live alone literally use voice anymore one talk reach point talk scared go without talking long lose voice time used use voice wa playing video game online wa thing brought bit joy console broke afford fix ambition know want life everyone around seems figured meanwhile loser eating life away future envision honestly one throw apartment building think ending time feel alone world motivation self confidence anything people may care couple family member put much shit stuff done past fed want kill want fall asleep never wake,want kill considering tonight,luke r duke r,2655,65,luke r duke r nearly 23 year old father abandoned family wa 14 wa best friend time seen 6 year void made become extremely close friend clinginess reached point got fed anxiety paranoia lost closest friend used reach help reached point everything wa shoulder handle anymore distanced time used fit attractive life ha taken downwards spiral gained 70 lb self consciousness eats inside anxiety roof motivation anything anymore anxiety med truly think anti depressant failing school heart tell mother break also know find life probably turn hell always extremely high standard still virgin never girlfriend wa seeing girl wa 17 wa wa peak attractiveness laughable unattractive people literally laugh appearance self confidence inexistent get anxiety attack people look think judging look deal anymore moved away hometown 3 year ago university made single new friend live alone literally use voice anymore one talk reach point talk scared go without talking long lose voice time used use voice wa playing video game online wa thing brought bit joy console broke afford fix ambition know want life everyone around seems figured meanwhile loser eating life away future envision honestly one throw apartment building think ending time feel alone world motivation self confidence anything people may care couple family member put much shit stuff done past fed want kill want fall asleep never wake want kill considering tonight
There has to be an after life this mediocre life cant be everything,Its fucking impossible that we only live once and this shitty life is all i will ever get fuck this nightmare,SilentPost3,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqr0p/there_has_to_be_an_after_life_this_mediocre_life/,fucking impossible live shitty life ever get fuck nightmare,ha life mediocre life cant everything,silent post 3,109,67,silent post 3 fucking impossible live shitty life ever get fuck nightmare ha life mediocre life cant everything
I could just end it all today,"No more suffering no more humiliation no more worrying about the future, too bad im such a coward i wanna die so bad",SilentPost3,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdm7wm/i_could_just_end_it_all_today/,suffering humiliation worrying future bad im coward wanna die bad,could end today,silent post 3,116,29,silent post 3 suffering humiliation worrying future bad im coward wanna die bad could end today
Bad at titles,"Idk if people will be able to help... Just, I saw a broken glass under my bed like 3 hours ago and now as I'm trying to sleep I have this urge to shove it in my neck and I'm genuinely worried that I might carry it out... Every time whatever distraction I was trying stops, its back...",GeeMannn1,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqq6y/bad_at_titles/,idk people able help saw broken glass bed like 3 hour ago trying sleep urge shove neck genuinely worried might carry every time whatever distraction wa trying stop back,bad title,gee mann n 1,284,13,gee mann n 1 idk people able help saw broken glass bed like 3 hour ago trying sleep urge shove neck genuinely worried might carry every time whatever distraction wa trying stop back bad title
"I want to kill myself, but I'm too afraid to die","If you guys want the story as to why, there's an earlier post I made about my story. Though not hugely dramatic, it is too much for me to bear.

What should I do? I hate myself, I don't have friends anymore and I hate my life.

I've just thought about taking a loaded shotgun and ending things just like that, but... I'm afraid to die. What do I do?",BattleScones,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdm6pc/i_want_to_kill_myself_but_im_too_afraid_to_die/,guy want story earlier post made story though hugely dramatic much bear hate friend anymore hate life thought taking loaded shotgun ending thing like afraid die,want kill afraid die,battle scone,349,48,battle scone guy want story earlier post made story though hugely dramatic much bear hate friend anymore hate life thought taking loaded shotgun ending thing like afraid die want kill afraid die
Am I actually depressed?,"I haven't been diagnosed with depression and I can't bring up the courage to tell anyone how I'm feeling, but I researched and I have all symptoms. I have constant suicidal thoughts and I have a sh problem. And everyday, I keep feeling worse. I feel utterly worthless and stupid and I don't know why. And it's really hard to type this post because I've never opened up this much to anybody. I have felt this way for a long time (like, a few years) and I really want to know what's wrong with me. I almost never enjoy my life anymore and I want to give up but I'm scared of hurting family members. I always act so happy and cheerful around them and I don't want them to find out the truth. Can someone give me an answer?",YayWereAllGonnaDie,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqpzs/am_i_actually_depressed/,diagnosed depression bring courage tell anyone feeling researched symptom constant suicidal thought sh problem everyday keep feeling worse feel utterly worthless stupid know really hard type post never opened much anybody felt way long time like year really want know wrong almost never enjoy life anymore want give scared hurting family member always act happy cheerful around want find truth someone give answer,actually depressed,yay gonna die,719,24,yay gonna die diagnosed depression bring courage tell anyone feeling researched symptom constant suicidal thought sh problem everyday keep feeling worse feel utterly worthless stupid know really hard type post never opened much anybody felt way long time like year really want know wrong almost never enjoy life anymore want give scared hurting family member always act happy cheerful around want find truth someone give answer actually depressed
A Question,"Hi there. I have made the decision to end my life. I have written a letter to the people in my life, explaining my choice. I keep re-reading it and I just can't help but feel like maybe the letter is too much. Maybe it will only create more drama in the aftermath of my suicide. Maybe I should just go quietly and not even say anything at all? Is it more selfish to leave a note or to not? I just want to die with the least impact to anyone around me.",unbarablitenessofBng,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnwrb/a_question/,hi made decision end life written letter people life explaining choice keep reading help feel like maybe letter much maybe create drama aftermath suicide maybe go quietly even say anything selfish leave note want die least impact anyone around,question,unbar ab lite ness b ng,451,10,unbar ab lite ness b ng hi made decision end life written letter people life explaining choice keep reading help feel like maybe letter much maybe create drama aftermath suicide maybe go quietly even say anything selfish leave note want die least impact anyone around question
The man I want to marry is breaking my heart and I just can't do this.,"We have been together for almost four years and I had never been happier in my life than I have been since I met him.  He has helped and encouraged me to improve and grow so much.  He has never insulted me, never yelled at me, and while we've had disagreements we've never *fought*.  There has always been so much love here.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him.  I thought he wanted the same.  He says that he does.

However, he also says that he can't be satisfied sexually with just me.  He wants an open relationship so he can fool around with cis men.  I'm transgender, and it's killing me that he wants the one body part that I don't have more than he wants to be happy with me.

He doesn't believe our relationship is sustainable, and he can't promise he won't one day be tempted to cheat, if he doesn't ""have this outlet.""  He won't marry me unless I can agree to the open relationship.  I'm a deeply monogamous person and just can't do it.  I can't.

I never believed that anyone could love me; I have multiple sclerosis and am trans, along with a ton of other issues.  He has made me so happy, and I felt so loved and secure, just to learn that he isn't satisfied with me and never will be.  As I always feared, I'm just not good enough.

We're in couples counseling, he wants to make things work somehow, but I can't see any possible solution even though I want nothing more than him.  I hate my body more than ever before.  I hate myself.

I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for the past 20 years.  I believe this was my last chance, and it is failing horribly, and I just don't have it in me to keep trying.",howthisstoryends,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdm2nr/the_man_i_want_to_marry_is_breaking_my_heart_and/,together almost four year never happier life since met ha helped encouraged improve grow much ha never insulted never yelled disagreement never fought ha always much love want spend rest life thought wanted say doe however also say satisfied sexually want open relationship fool around ci men transgender killing want one body part want happy believe relationship sustainable promise one day tempted cheat outlet marry unless agree open relationship deeply monogamous person never believed anyone could love multiple sclerosis trans along ton issue ha made happy felt loved secure learn satisfied never always feared good enough couple counseling want make thing work somehow see possible solution even though want nothing hate body ever hate struggled depression suicidal thought past 20 year believe wa last chance failing horribly keep trying,man want marry breaking heart,story end,1647,70,story end together almost four year never happier life since met ha helped encouraged improve grow much ha never insulted never yelled disagreement never fought ha always much love want spend rest life thought wanted say doe however also say satisfied sexually want open relationship fool around ci men transgender killing want one body part want happy believe relationship sustainable promise one day tempted cheat outlet marry unless agree open relationship deeply monogamous person never believed anyone could love multiple sclerosis trans along ton issue ha made happy felt loved secure learn satisfied never always feared good enough couple counseling want make thing work somehow see possible solution even though want nothing hate body ever hate struggled depression suicidal thought past 20 year believe wa last chance failing horribly keep trying man want marry breaking heart
How can I help?,"I’ve been *somewhat* suicidal myself. More so in the “Im in so much pain I want to stop existing” than having a plan to end it all kind of way. 

I love someone dearly who has attempted suicide more than once and been hospitalized after their attempts. They also struggle with addiction.

I’ve also lost someone I love to suicide. 

They’ve called me, more than once, often drunk or high, sometimes not, telling me goodbye, this was the end, and this was their plan (I don’t know if specific phrases are allowed, so to generalize, the gist is I have all I need to kill myself readily accessible/I am in the location where I’m going to kill my self and when we hang up I’m going to do it) 

Sometimes, I’m close enough that I can physically go to be with them. Sometimes I’m not. 

Every time, I feel like their life is in my hands. That’s not a responsibility I feel like I can handle. If something were to happen to them, I’d feel entirely responsible. 

I feel like I’ve read so much that suggestions to seek professional help aren’t helpful and the last thing to do is call the police or emergency services... but I am so scared. I love my friend and I want them to know it. I want them to know how truly I support them and don’t blame them for what they’re feeling or think they’re doing anything wrong. Because I truly don’t.

But I can’t handle feeling like their life is in my hands. I can’t handle feeling like if I say the wrong thing or don’t say the RIGHT thing and they die, it’s on me because I’m the one they chose to come to for help. I feel like I can’t be the help in these situations, but I don’t want to turn them away when they clearly need someone. 

It would be different if it wasn’t an active plan. I’m comfortable with I want to die sentiments. I’m comfortable with listening to someone talk about their deep pain and hatred towards themselves or ambivalence towards life. But the goodbye. The plan. The “I’m dead after we hang up” .... I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like I HAVE to take that seriously, because if I don’t, and they die... I have no words for what would come next.

Anyway. Any advice about any of this is appreciated.",howdoigethisright,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnt8n/how_can_i_help/,somewhat suicidal im much pain want stop existing plan end kind way love someone dearly ha attempted suicide hospitalized attempt also struggle addiction also lost someone love suicide called often drunk high sometimes telling goodbye wa end wa plan know specific phrase allowed generalize gist need kill readily accessible location going kill self hang going sometimes close enough physically go sometimes every time feel like life hand responsibility feel like handle something happen feel entirely responsible feel like read much suggestion seek professional help helpful last thing call police emergency service scared love friend want know want know truly support blame feeling think anything wrong truly handle feeling like life hand handle feeling like say wrong thing say right thing die one chose come help feel like help situation want turn away clearly need someone would different active plan comfortable want die sentiment comfortable listening someone talk deep pain hatred towards ambivalence towards life goodbye plan dead hang know supposed feel like take seriously die word would come next anyway advice appreciated,help,doi get right,2174,15,doi get right somewhat suicidal im much pain want stop existing plan end kind way love someone dearly ha attempted suicide hospitalized attempt also struggle addiction also lost someone love suicide called often drunk high sometimes telling goodbye wa end wa plan know specific phrase allowed generalize gist need kill readily accessible location going kill self hang going sometimes close enough physically go sometimes every time feel like life hand responsibility feel like handle something happen feel entirely responsible feel like read much suggestion seek professional help helpful last thing call police emergency service scared love friend want know want know truly support blame feeling think anything wrong truly handle feeling like life hand handle feeling like say wrong thing say right thing die one chose come help feel like help situation want turn away clearly need someone would different active plan comfortable want die sentiment comfortable listening someone talk deep pain hatred towards ambivalence towards life goodbye plan dead hang know supposed feel like take seriously die word would come next anyway advice appreciated help
Need vs. Want,I’ve reached this point in my life that I don’t want to die anymore. I need to die. I want to believe it gets better like so many people say. I want to find that magical medication that people claim makes them feel better. I’m holding on in the hope that maybe it’s true but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.,Mandamanda11,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnsvr/need_vs_want/,reached point life want die anymore need die want believe get better like many people say want find magical medication people claim make feel better holding hope maybe true know much longer hold,need v want,amanda 11,318,13,amanda 11 reached point life want die anymore need die want believe get better like many people say want find magical medication people claim make feel better holding hope maybe true know much longer hold need v want
Last month I almost was able to go.,"I was gonna drink some laundry detergent on the 5th of last month. So, I went to do the deed, and we were OUT. I was enraged. Now that I'm looking back on it, it might be a sign to keep living, but I really doubt that. I just wanna die, I can't even do that.",XxDiamondDavidxX,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdm143/last_month_i_almost_was_able_to_go/,wa gonna drink laundry detergent 5th last month went deed wa enraged looking back might sign keep living really doubt wanna die even,last month almost wa able go,xx diamond david xx,258,35,xx diamond david xx wa gonna drink laundry detergent 5th last month went deed wa enraged looking back might sign keep living really doubt wanna die even last month almost wa able go
I have mixed feelings about suicide,Well I think about doing it but I can't even commit to doing just because of the pressure of being the only male to carry the family name,OnionGriefsbrother,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnr7z/i_have_mixed_feelings_about_suicide/,well think even commit pressure male carry family name,mixed feeling suicide,onion grief brother,137,35,onion grief brother well think even commit pressure male carry family name mixed feeling suicide
I want to kill myself,"That’s it, that’s the post",okmlpplmko,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdkkbi/i_want_to_kill_myself/,post,want kill,km lp plm ko,26,21,km lp plm ko post want kill
The damn waiting...,"I've got my date set and all, but it can't come soon enough. I didn't anticipate looking forward to it, but I genuinely can't wait. When I first set it, I frequently became nauseous and dizzy thinking about my impending mortality, but as I get closer and closer to the day, the less worried and more ready I feel. It's becoming difficult not to discuss it with others or bring it up during conversations, especially because it's on my mind 24/7, it's the most remarkable thing that will happen to me probably ever. This probably sounds like an egotistical rant ""I, I, I, me, me, me"", but I do not care, for too long my life has been dictated by other people and factors out of my control and in my last 15 days, I'm gonna fucking focus on myself, nobody and nothing else matters to me now (when have I ever mattered to them?)",Spiritofthemountain,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqjb1/the_damn_waiting/,got date set come soon enough anticipate looking forward genuinely wait first set frequently became nauseous dizzy thinking impending mortality get closer closer day le worried ready feel becoming difficult discus others bring conversation especially mind 24 7 remarkable thing happen probably ever probably sound like egotistical rant care long life ha dictated people factor control last 15 day gonna fucking focus nobody nothing else matter ever mattered,damn waiting,spirit mountain,825,19,spirit mountain got date set come soon enough anticipate looking forward genuinely wait first set frequently became nauseous dizzy thinking impending mortality get closer closer day le worried ready feel becoming difficult discus others bring conversation especially mind 24 7 remarkable thing happen probably ever probably sound like egotistical rant care long life ha dictated people factor control last 15 day gonna fucking focus nobody nothing else matter ever mattered damn waiting
"I turn 19 in may, I have no boyfriend/girlfriend and I am jobless with no income or future","I have been bullied and told I was playing the victim card my entire life, nobody wants me to live so why am I still here? I will never find a boyfriend or girlfriend and being broken with a useless set of cards keeps me from being even slightly successful. 

The American dream is specifically made to benefit the wealthy and powerful. The poor will not make it in this country, suicide rates are already rising and have been for the past 20 years. I try playing games but nothing is entertaining anymore especially when I do everything alone with no visible future.

I am literally just living until I am not able to support myself and then I will either die by natural causes or suicide. It feels like nobody wants to support me and I was dealt a useless set of cards from the beginning.",1hsayg1,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fde9b6/i_turn_19_in_may_i_have_no_boyfriendgirlfriend/,bullied told wa playing victim card entire life nobody want live still never find boyfriend girlfriend broken useless set card keep even slightly successful american dream specifically made benefit wealthy powerful poor make country suicide rate already rising past 20 year try playing game nothing entertaining anymore especially everything alone visible future literally living able support either die natural cause suicide feel like nobody want support wa dealt useless set card beginning,turn 19 may boyfriend girlfriend jobless income future,1 h say g 1,790,90,1 h say g 1 bullied told wa playing victim card entire life nobody want live still never find boyfriend girlfriend broken useless set card keep even slightly successful american dream specifically made benefit wealthy powerful poor make country suicide rate already rising past 20 year try playing game nothing entertaining anymore especially everything alone visible future literally living able support either die natural cause suicide feel like nobody want support wa dealt useless set card beginning turn 19 may boyfriend girlfriend jobless income future
I deserve the pain.,I've gotten back into burning myself. I deserve all of the pain. I'm a disgusting human being.,peeper900,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqha0/i_deserve_the_pain/,gotten back burning deserve pain disgusting human,deserve pain,peeper 900,94,19,peeper 900 gotten back burning deserve pain disgusting human deserve pain
Tonight’s the night,"No one wants to hear me anymore. Everyone is exhausted of my depressive energy. No one wants me anymore. I don’t want me anymore. 

Goodbye.",amgrf,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqe80/tonights_the_night/,one want hear anymore everyone exhausted depressive energy one want anymore want anymore goodbye,tonight night,amg rf,140,19,amg rf one want hear anymore everyone exhausted depressive energy one want anymore want anymore goodbye tonight night
"Crying the hardest I have in years, good byes are hard, sending a final good bye message to the girl you planned to propose to is even harder","I hate to say goodbye to her, I hate to cry this hard, but either way I'd hate to live to see the sun rise in the morning.",badvibes505,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqb1y/crying_the_hardest_i_have_in_years_good_byes_are/,hate say goodbye hate cry hard either way hate live see sun rise morning,cry hardest year good bye hard sending final good bye message girl planned propose even harder,bad vibe 505,122,141,bad vibe 505 hate say goodbye hate cry hard either way hate live see sun rise morning cry hardest year good bye hard sending final good bye message girl planned propose even harder
feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless,i have been so depressed these past couple weeks ever since i got back from vacation normal life and reality has hit me and its terrible. im 19 i havent moved out yet i dont really have a sufficient job i have one but its not enough money for me to support myself. at least i have a car and im taking online classes so. i feel stuck in this stupid fucking town. empty and alone man i just want someone to love me dude but im ugly and fat and worthless and no one is ever going to see im worth the chance. its just one thing after another to worry about. why not end it now before i really fuck up and become miserable? i dont see the point in going on im just really down right now i dont know what to do )): all there is darkness idk how to get out of this hole i hate myself i hate my body i hate my life i dont think it will ever get better,thiccbarbie420,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqaei/feeling_so_overwhelmed_and_hopeless/,depressed past couple week ever since got back vacation normal life reality ha hit terrible im 19 havent moved yet dont really sufficient job one enough money support least car im taking online class feel stuck stupid fucking town empty alone man want someone love dude im ugly fat worthless one ever going see im worth chance one thing another worry end really fuck become miserable dont see point going im really right dont know darkness idk get hole hate hate body hate life dont think ever get better,feeling overwhelmed hopeless,th icc barbie 420,843,35,th icc barbie 420 depressed past couple week ever since got back vacation normal life reality ha hit terrible im 19 havent moved yet dont really sufficient job one enough money support least car im taking online class feel stuck stupid fucking town empty alone man want someone love dude im ugly fat worthless one ever going see im worth chance one thing another worry end really fuck become miserable dont see point going im really right dont know darkness idk get hole hate hate body hate life dont think ever get better feeling overwhelmed hopeless
I don’t see any other way,I’ve been suicidal for such a long time now. I see my therapist and psychiatrist weekly. I was in the hospital for 4 days a couple weeks ago. I’m on a shit ton of meds. I don’t see any other way out. I don’t think it’ll happen this week but I can’t promise next week. I have no passion for anything in my life nor do I have fun anymore. And I’m so good at hiding it all. It’s not that I don’t have friends or family that don’t care. I have both. But I just don’t see any other way out because nothing on this earth matters.,katesmith275,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdqabu/i_dont_see_any_other_way/,suicidal long time see therapist psychiatrist weekly wa hospital 4 day couple week ago shit ton med see way think happen week promise next week passion anything life fun anymore good hiding friend family care see way nothing earth matter,see way,kate smith 275,523,25,kate smith 275 suicidal long time see therapist psychiatrist weekly wa hospital 4 day couple week ago shit ton med see way think happen week promise next week passion anything life fun anymore good hiding friend family care see way nothing earth matter see way
Everything will be better if I cease to exist,"I want someone to hit me and make it look like an accident. That way, my family can claim the insurance and I would be finally free. Win win. All I could think of everyday is to wish I’d be in an accident and die right away. I’m too weak yet to kill my own self, but I’m mustering all my courage - my family can’t claim the insurance though. Any takers to hit me with your car?",darkdebonair,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlkca/everything_will_be_better_if_i_cease_to_exist/,want someone hit make look like accident way family claim insurance would finally free win win could think everyday wish accident die right away weak yet kill self mustering courage family claim insurance though taker hit car,everything better cease exist,dark debonair,377,45,dark debonair want someone hit make look like accident way family claim insurance would finally free win win could think everyday wish accident die right away weak yet kill self mustering courage family claim insurance though taker hit car everything better cease exist
"I've been scared to take my own life for years, maybe this new virus might help",No luck job searching and I want to die but i don't have the stomach to end my own life,Thatconfusedhippo,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdq7u7/ive_been_scared_to_take_my_own_life_for_years/,luck job searching want die stomach end life,scared take life year maybe new virus might help,confused hippo,87,79,confused hippo luck job searching want die stomach end life scared take life year maybe new virus might help
closest ever been to killing myself,i just cant do it i fucked up and i cant be forgiven just kill me i'm sorry,under-the-green,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdnbif/closest_ever_been_to_killing_myself/,cant fucked cant forgiven kill sorry,closest ever killing,green,75,35,green cant fucked cant forgiven kill sorry closest ever killing
"ugly, short, broke, dark brown eyes.",emptypost,MemrWithADreamer,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdq6jb/ugly_short_broke_dark_brown_eyes/,emptypost,ugly short broke dark brown eye,mr dreamer,9,36,mr dreamer emptypost ugly short broke dark brown eye
The hour is close.,I wish to thank you all for the support I received. I'm ending it all soon. My life is in shambles. All I loved is gone. Lost it all. It's time to go. At least I'll have a beautiful smile.,opheliawasmurdered,12,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddkiw/the_hour_is_close/,wish thank support received ending soon life shamble loved gone lost time go least beautiful smile,hour close,ophelia wa murdered,188,18,ophelia wa murdered wish thank support received ending soon life shamble loved gone lost time go least beautiful smile hour close
My story (incomplete),"Similar story here, OP. In my case my dad spent my childhood promising to *help* me pursue a science career if I moved in with him, along with many other exorbitant promises. He then coaxed me into signing my life savings over to him under the guise of him teaching me money management skills. Afterwards his personality instantly changed like he had been replaced with a body snatcher:

He started holding my money hostage to control me. He forced me into a flat earth fundamentalist church. He started incessantly discouraging my scientific interests. I was forbidden from me from even being seen with a girl since it might lead others to think we were sexually active. He threatened to cut me off if I ever associated with members of so many demographics that I was functionally unable to have friends. He would scream at me and belittle and humiliate me for hours every day. His church was so strict that I had to give up most of my hobbies for being ""sinful"". He tried to damage my relationships with all of my other family members. He would constantly follow me around and would incessantly act out for attention so much that I struggled to even attempt my schoolwork or even my remaining hobbies. I was quickly so psychologically broken that I started failing my classes despite growing up an honors student. 

A few years later, I took on a second major hoping to raise my GPA and just barely squeak into grad school. Dad took this to somehow mean that I was ""on the verge of graduating with two PhDs"". He completely flipped from incessantly discouraging me to exerting 24/7 pressure to graduate with those two PhDs *immediately*. I explained over and over that I wasn't getting two PhDs, but he wouldn't accept it. Despite my protests he spread word far and wide about my ""two PhDs"" and I gained a reputation as some kind of miracle prodigy that I could never actually live up to. By this point Dad was in the final stages of terminal heart problems and was so relentless in his pressure that I started going along with it because even after all his years of lies and abuse I didn't want to disappoint him on his death bed.

Years went by and things continued to get worse for me. I was overwhelmed with preemptive grief over dad's impending death every day. I went through a traumatic religious deconversion and lost my soul-sustaining (nonfundamentalist) faith in God. I started experiencing severe diabetes symptoms. I was struggling with the increased course load and failing to recover my grades as Dad continued to sink deeper and deeper into an obsession with those completely imaginary PhDs. One day dad started taking me to visit some old man from his crazy cult who was bedridden from his own terminal heart problems. 

More years went by and both dad and the old guy were both alive. That meant that Dad had been in the final stages of terminal illness for something like 6 years. I realized that he had been outrageously exaggerating his health problems and that I had spent the last several of them going along with his delusional nonsense


Fuck it, I'm tired. It hurts so much. It hurts so much.",dannymason,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdq18i/my_story_incomplete/,similar story op case dad spent childhood promising help pursue science career moved along many exorbitant promise coaxed signing life saving guise teaching money management skill afterwards personality instantly changed like replaced body snatcher started holding money hostage control forced flat earth fundamentalist church started incessantly discouraging scientific interest wa forbidden even seen girl since might lead others think sexually active threatened cut ever associated member many demographic wa functionally unable friend would scream belittle humiliate hour every day church wa strict give hobby sinful tried damage relationship family member would constantly follow around would incessantly act attention much struggled even attempt schoolwork even remaining hobby wa quickly psychologically broken started failing class despite growing honor student year later took second major hoping raise gpa barely squeak grad school dad took somehow mean wa verge graduating two phd completely flipped incessantly discouraging exerting 24 7 pressure graduate two phd immediately explained getting two phd accept despite protest spread word far wide two phd gained reputation kind miracle prodigy could never actually live point dad wa final stage terminal heart problem wa relentless pressure started going along even year lie abuse want disappoint death bed year went thing continued get worse wa overwhelmed preemptive grief dad impending death every day went traumatic religious deconversion lost soul sustaining nonfundamentalist faith god started experiencing severe diabetes symptom wa struggling increased course load failing recover grade dad continued sink deeper deeper obsession completely imaginary phd one day dad started taking visit old man crazy cult wa bedridden terminal heart problem year went dad old guy alive meant dad final stage terminal illness something like 6 year realized outrageously exaggerating health problem spent last several going along delusional nonsense fuck tired hurt much hurt much,story incomplete,danny mason,3119,21,danny mason similar story op case dad spent childhood promising help pursue science career moved along many exorbitant promise coaxed signing life saving guise teaching money management skill afterwards personality instantly changed like replaced body snatcher started holding money hostage control forced flat earth fundamentalist church started incessantly discouraging scientific interest wa forbidden even seen girl since might lead others think sexually active threatened cut ever associated member many demographic wa functionally unable friend would scream belittle humiliate hour every day church wa strict give hobby sinful tried damage relationship family member would constantly follow around would incessantly act attention much struggled even attempt schoolwork even remaining hobby wa quickly psychologically broken started failing class despite growing honor student year later took second major hoping raise gpa barely squeak grad school dad took somehow mean wa verge graduating two phd completely flipped incessantly discouraging exerting 24 7 pressure graduate two phd immediately explained getting two phd accept despite protest spread word far wide two phd gained reputation kind miracle prodigy could never actually live point dad wa final stage terminal heart problem wa relentless pressure started going along even year lie abuse want disappoint death bed year went thing continued get worse wa overwhelmed preemptive grief dad impending death every day went traumatic religious deconversion lost soul sustaining nonfundamentalist faith god started experiencing severe diabetes symptom wa struggling increased course load failing recover grade dad continued sink deeper deeper obsession completely imaginary phd one day dad started taking visit old man crazy cult wa bedridden terminal heart problem year went dad old guy alive meant dad final stage terminal illness something like 6 year realized outrageously exaggerating health problem spent last several going along delusional nonsense fuck tired hurt much hurt much story incomplete
I am too ugly to live.,"I’m so sick of this.  I have a big nose, big forehead, big everything and it’s so hard to deal with.  People have told me they didnt date me because I’m ugly.  People have even told me I’m too ugly to go after.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in my fair share of relationships, but I’ve been rejected so many times just for being ugly and I’m sick of it.  

I am soon to leave home for college and before that I want to get a nose job to make me more confident before I leave, but none of the 758394858 retail jobs I’ve applied to got back to me.  It’s like the world wants me to be this way.

I’m not believing that looks don’t matter bs.  I just want to look good, and that’s it.  I’m suicidal because of it.  I’m sick of living when I can’t look good.",werewolfluv,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdedkh/i_am_too_ugly_to_live/,sick big nose big forehead big everything hard deal people told didnt date ugly people even told ugly go get wrong fair share relationship rejected many time ugly sick soon leave home college want get nose job make confident leave none 758394858 retail job applied got back like world want way believing look matter b want look good suicidal sick living look good,ugly live,werewolf luv,753,22,werewolf luv sick big nose big forehead big everything hard deal people told didnt date ugly people even told ugly go get wrong fair share relationship rejected many time ugly sick soon leave home college want get nose job make confident leave none 758394858 retail job applied got back like world want way believing look matter b want look good suicidal sick living look good ugly live
Please help me I don't want to do this to my parents but I see no other way out,"I made a rope noose, I wrote an email to my parents about how much I love them and how I didn't want to do it but I just can't go on, and scheduled it to be sent in twelve hours. I just cannot go on please someone help me. I have been trying to find a way out but dying seems to be the only option. I'm not successful in anything, classes, money, friends, love, life in general. I am thinking of all possible futures that I can go from this point, starting by being this unsuccessful, and none of the scenarios make me happy. I just cannot live one of those miserable lives. I don't know what to do, my parents love me so much it will destroy them. I wish I could just suck it up for them and keep going but everything hurts so fucking much, I don't think I can do this any longer. I don't even know what I'm expecting out of this, there's not a single thing that can help me now. I thought of every possible thing, there's not a single way out. Please what the fuck do I do now?",SimilarDiscount8,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdl9pk/please_help_me_i_dont_want_to_do_this_to_my/,made rope noose wrote email parent much love want go scheduled sent twelve hour cannot go please someone help trying find way dying seems option successful anything class money friend love life general thinking possible future go point starting unsuccessful none scenario make happy cannot live one miserable life know parent love much destroy wish could suck keep going everything hurt fucking much think longer even know expecting single thing help thought every possible thing single way please fuck,please help want parent see way,similar discount 8,979,79,similar discount 8 made rope noose wrote email parent much love want go scheduled sent twelve hour cannot go please someone help trying find way dying seems option successful anything class money friend love life general thinking possible future go point starting unsuccessful none scenario make happy cannot live one miserable life know parent love much destroy wish could suck keep going everything hurt fucking much think longer even know expecting single thing help thought every possible thing single way please fuck please help want parent see way
Is there a suicidewatch-like website for teenagers on reddit?,"If someone can give me a link that would be nice. I might fit in more or i can talk to other people, I don't know.",ImperialisticGoose,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdn3pw/is_there_a_suicidewatchlike_website_for_teenagers/,someone give link would nice might fit talk people know,suicidewatch like website teenager reddit,imperialistic goose,114,61,imperialistic goose someone give link would nice might fit talk people know suicidewatch like website teenager reddit
Stress and loneliness are dragging me down again,"After 29 years of being a shut in, sometimes having social anxiety so bad that I couldn't step out my house or go near the windows, mental health so bad that i couldn't work or finish school, I decided to go back to school. I'm dependent on a longtime SO and it makes me feel awful. There have been elements of abuse in the past and I dont think I can fully trust anyone, so I have to do this or die or get a high paying job without a degree or hurting my back(I have a terrible back and neurological problems) I'll be left with something like stripping, or just suicide.

 

At this point, classes are getting more intense, I'm already behind in an online class that posted no deadlines, because I'm prioritizing a class in which I work around 30 hours/week to keep my quality high(I'm aiming for A's and this class is supposedly graded harshly-so far I have A's and 1 B on something I worked on for just 10 hours). Anyway, so I am behind in my online classes now, trying to make time to catch up, but seems impossible.  

 

My other in person class doesn't take as much time, I have a 4 hour studio and homework takes me maybe 1-5 hours usually. I have trouble managing time because I hardly see my SO, so when we do see each other, we stay up late and just play games. We havent had any intimacy in about a month, and otherwise it's like a 1-2x/month thing. He doesn't help me with the chores unless I ask a bunch of times even though i made a chore chart for us both to look at,on the fridge, and gave myself more things. He keeps promising he'll do chores,shower,brush his teeth, just basic things, and he doesn't. He actually said he'd do all the chores when I went back to school(like I'd done for him) and not to worry. I worried, but I left things for a bit and realized I was correct in being concerned after the house started looking trashed. If I talk to him he changes the topic or recites some meme. He kisses me maybe twice a day and is otherwise glued to his phone watching YouTube videos- he quit video games as they were time consuming but just switched to videos instead. He's so addicted to his phone that he got his by a bus last year, while I was passenger. He's usually on his phone while driving and there's nothing I can do. I dont drive because of my anxiety, and I dont have a working car. I am very stressed right now and feel totally alone. 
 

I literally dont have time to see a therapist. I dont even have time to see my doctors for checkups. All I do is work, at school,homework,and at home. I am painfully shy and awkward and have no friends. I've joined a few clubs to make friends but it seems impossible; people try to befriend me it seems, and I just don't know how to interact.  I had an amazing conversation with another top performer in my class with the difficult work and anticipated becoming friends- she tries, but I dont know how to reciprocate and I can tell that I make things uncomfortable because I react as if we never started forming a friendship, if that makes sense. 

 

In my other class there is one kid who has tried to befriend me. He has autism and comes across pretty brash. I try to remind myself that he has a condition and to not take things personally, but sometimes I can't help it and I feel terrible and other times he is just too close and I feel awkward. I think he seems genuinely friendly and most of the time I dont mind him, but I guess I'm just under so much stress at this point that everything is getting to me. The whole class is also pretty distracting, which again, is usually bearable but the stress is wearing me out and there's 0 things I can do to relieve it.

 

Yesterday I got a grade back from a quiz and just a friendly note to try to speak up more during critique(I'm a design student, so this is an art class). I made a mental note to make sure to speak up during critique last night, and then I panicked. First I panicked because I wanted to be done my painting beforehand- I hadn't planned properly and am always the slow one in everything, so I kept messing up and didn't finish in time. It seemed I was one of 2 others who hadn't finished so that made me feel a little better. Critique came and the aforementioned kid stood next to me as he always does, uncomfortably close, and then in front of me and I couldn't see the paintings. Panic increased and I didn't want to be rude so I didn't say anything. I planned for what shouldve been my painting for critique and was called out of order and further panicked. 
 

I have a disorder that causes dissociation under stress and I have social anxiety. So when I panic, my mind goes blank. This happened a few days ago; my dog is unfortunately aggressive with 1 dog in my neighborhood. She is a strong dog and fortunately until this point, it had only been my bf who had experienced this. She lunged at the dog and I wasnt strong enough to pull her back, I panicked,mind went blank, and I just stood there. In my mind, the only thing i could think was like, the idea or feeling of alarm, but I couldn't speak or move. The neighbor didn't seem to mind and gave the dogs treats, but I felt so terrible. I don't know how to fix this.

 

During the critique, my mind was blank and I didn't know what to say. I absorbed things others had said, but my mind flushed them out when I tried to speak. Speaking and thinking at the same time is difficult for me. I guess I'm just stupid. I usually think for a long time before I speak, and I can think and write, but I dont know how to think+speak quickly or at once. I just felt like crying and couldn't wait to just pack up and start on my drawing assignment(until I realized I'd forgotten my most important supplies).

 

I grew up with abusive parents. My dad was pretty absent, working a lot, but when he was home he was a complete ass. He would constantly provoke me. My older brother harshly picked on me. My mom did the most damage, somehow. I grew up thinking she was ""good cop"", she taught me to think that. She could do no wrong, she was perfect, she was always right. If she was upset with me, even if seemingly unreasonable, I did mental gymnastics with myself to justify it. Example: I didn't intervene in her argument with my dad over finances which 6 year old me didn't understand? I'm a bad person who doesn't love mom. 
Moms in the bathroom the 8th time this week with razor blades? I'd be her psychiatrist and beg her to come out,reason with her why she should. Eventually I realized I didn't have to say anything. Eventually still, I realized that I could probably leave because she would just come out soon anyway. I did once, around 6 or 7 and I guess she talked and I didn't respond, so she came literally running after me, cornered me, and yelled down at me for not loving her.
 
I have an eating disorder? 
I'm ""evil"", I'm a ""dirty slut"" even though I'm not allowed out of the house- this must be because of how I look or something I've done- am I that person? Mom says so, so i guess so. 
 
As a young child, I was mostly raised by my grandparents nextdoor and would sleep over at their house often. I'd cry myself to sleep every night because I thought my mom was mad at me. Every day, I'd be to blame for something. Once, I even got blamed for my dad losing $100. I don't even know why. My mom yelled from up at our back door to down at the yard at me, with the neighborhood kids all outside, telling me I'd better bring the $100 back right now. So then my friends assumed I was a thief(cause a 9 y/o who can't drive and never goes anywhere has a reason for money is definitely wont get caught with random money at some point 🙄). 

 

At some point, around 9, I started self harming because I didn't understand what I had apparently done. I was upset for always being such an apparent major cause of my mother's pain- the person I did love most in the world no matter what she thought.

 

My parents destroyed my education as an ongoing argument for the funsies I guess. I planned to graduate at 15 or 16 and GTFO. I was physically bullied at school to the point of having my arms near broken every day. I begged to be homeschooled- my plan was to be able to focus on my schooling without bullies and graduate early to get away from my family. I was in 2nd grade my first year homeschooling and skipped up to grade 5 work in everything but math, which I got up to maybe grade 3 which was equivalent to my current grade in public school work. My parents would argue about public and homeschooling and switch me back and forth at least once a school semester. So I'd be in public school in august for a few months, then homeschooled. Obviously this ruined my extra work I'd done and I became discouraged. In 7th grade, I began having a lot of trouble with math. My mom refused to help me, saying I had learning disability and just couldn't learn so to not do it(and then help my lovely, psychotic step sister instead). She'd do this to me at public school too, and I'd often go in humiliated having to explain that I couldn't finish my homework. 

 

At one point, I wasn't allowed outside(my grandparents had moved in) and due to that and all the stress, I embraced being reclusive. I told myself I wanted to be that way and whenever people would think it was odd, my mom would huff back at them before I could speak, saying that not everyone has to have friends.

 

And now I'm this. Looking back, I remember my dad telling me that my mom coddled me too much and kept me from other people, wanting me all to herself. At the time I thought it was ridiculous, but now I see he was right; she needed me to soothe her, to blame for everything, to be there in misery with her. 
 

I got older, decided that I wanted to try being social, so I'd say yes to every single opportunity. Every one. That was a terrible idea and I ended up being abused by a few predatory opportunists, which in turn caused me major anxiety, more than ever before, and I became more reclusive than ever before. I havent held a stable job in a while. Havent had friends since that time, about 10 years ago. I've been with my SO, who has been abusive off and on. Things were great for a few years until we moved out a few years ago, and now they've been very off and on. For a few years again, things have been pretty good as far as that goes, but obviously not having time and not feeling effort from the other person feels shitty too. 

 

A couple years ago I found myself in a terrible situation with him and decided my options were prostitution, stripping, drugs, or suicide. I mass applied to jobs but when I'd receive a response, I was never qualified for anything but retail which I've had bad experiences with and it doesn't pay enough. I stopped eating, became an alcoholic with the little funds I had, and attempted suicide somewhere near 3 times a week on average for a few months straight. I almost succeeded once and then my bf unexpectedly came home early and I was sent to the hospital. Things didn't get better when I got out, I threw away my antidepressants since my feelings felt inappropriate in relation to my thoughts and situation, and resumed weekly attempts. Otherwise I'd just lie in bed and try not to get up for fear of killing myself.

 

2017 and 2018 sucked. Last year got a little better and by the end of the year I decided to go back to school. I decided rather abruptly and didn't have time to seek diagnosis for learning disabilities, which I think I obviously have. I have a diagnosis of anxiety disorders and recurrent major depressive disorder but I've assumed I wouldn't receive any accommodations for those because.. what can be done?

 

Instead I've tried plowing through my feelings and intentionally making myself uncomfortable by joining clubs and going to campus in person, but I'm not adjusting as quickly as I'd hoped. And in the real world, I will have to talk, I will have to have social skills. No one cares about you in the real world. I'm old and have already exposed myself to that in the many job fields I've attempted, so I'm aware. 

 

I just feel like I'm a failure. And now I'm overloading myself and I dont want to back down, but idk how to deal with everything and get no help, and have nothing outside of school and working at home. I need a good balance, but I have literally no way of making that happen. I'm in a club that meets once a week, the paper which is 1x a month, and now a new club that no one showed up for, so I became club leader. This will force me into social situations, and I hope that I can do it. In my head I'm telling myself to just do it, so I try, and I talk, and garbage comes out. And I'm older than everyone else, so it's awkward. I'm not supposed to be so immature and stupid by social standards. 

 

I feel like I'm just not going to make it. I have straight A's but I feel like I don't deserve them. My art never looks good to me even after spending hours working. I need to make this work but I dont know how. I dont know how to change who I've been for 29 years, in an instant, but I desperately want to. I want to be different, I dont want to be who I am anymore. In the meantime, I'm trying to squeeze in time with my SO and getting very little sleep. Most of it is just time in the same room not even interacting or talking or anything and I feel really void of any affection and social interaction right now, as well as anything fun. I used to walk every day- it's something that lessens the frequency of nerve pain and I dont even have time for that. The weather has been shit anyway. I dont find gaming fun, I don't like to sit, but that's all I'm doing. I'm exhausted. 

 

I dont even know what I'm getting at anymore with this. I'm just frustrated with life. Everything is dull,I'm over stressed,lonely, and I honestly just hate myself. Everything about myself is awful, I really hate who I am. I became really sick in the first few weeks of school and have had bronchitis for about 3-4 weeks. It's getting better but I feel like that happening really fucked a lot up for me since I had no energy. I dont know how to manage everything or how to socialize. I feel like I should just kill myself but I dont know how to even do it properly in a way that wont be totally awful. I'm looking to get away from pain and if the last minutes of my life could at least be peaceful that would be, well, ideal. I really wish assisted suicide for chronically suicidal people was a thing sometimes.",PastelSprite,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgalg/stress_and_loneliness_are_dragging_me_down_again/,29 year shut sometimes social anxiety bad step house go near window mental health bad work finish school decided go back school dependent longtime make feel awful element abuse past dont think fully trust anyone die get high paying job without degree hurting back terrible back neurological problem left something like stripping suicide amp nbsp point class getting intense already behind online class posted deadline prioritizing class work around 30 hour week keep quality high aiming class supposedly graded harshly far 1 b something worked 10 hour anyway behind online class trying make time catch seems impossible amp nbsp person class take much time 4 hour studio homework take maybe 1 5 hour usually trouble managing time hardly see see stay late play game havent intimacy month otherwise like 1 2x month thing help chore unless ask bunch time even though made chore chart u look fridge gave thing keep promising chore shower brush teeth basic thing actually said chore went back school like done worry worried left thing bit realized wa correct concerned house started looking trashed talk change topic recites meme kiss maybe twice day otherwise glued phone watching youtube video quit video game time consuming switched video instead addicted phone got bus last year wa passenger usually phone driving nothing dont drive anxiety dont working car stressed right feel totally alone amp nbsp literally dont time see therapist dont even time see doctor checkup work school homework home painfully shy awkward friend joined club make friend seems impossible people try befriend seems know interact amazing conversation another top performer class difficult work anticipated becoming friend try dont know reciprocate tell make thing uncomfortable react never started forming friendship make sense amp nbsp class one kid ha tried befriend ha autism come across pretty brash try remind ha condition take thing personally sometimes help feel terrible time close feel awkward think seems genuinely friendly time dont mind guess much stress point everything getting whole class also pretty distracting usually bearable stress wearing 0 thing relieve amp nbsp yesterday got grade back quiz friendly note try speak critique design student art class made mental note make sure speak critique last night panicked first panicked wanted done painting beforehand planned properly always slow one everything kept messing finish time seemed wa one 2 others finished made feel little better critique came aforementioned kid stood next always doe uncomfortably close front see painting panic increased want rude say anything planned shouldve painting critique wa called order panicked amp nbsp disorder cause dissociation stress social anxiety panic mind go blank happened day ago dog unfortunately aggressive 1 dog neighborhood strong dog fortunately point bf experienced lunged dog wasnt strong enough pull back panicked mind went blank stood mind thing could think wa like idea feeling alarm speak move neighbor seem mind gave dog treat felt terrible know fix amp nbsp critique mind wa blank know say absorbed thing others said mind flushed tried speak speaking thinking time difficult guess stupid usually think long time speak think write dont know think speak quickly felt like cry wait pack start drawing assignment realized forgotten important supply amp nbsp grew abusive parent dad wa pretty absent working lot wa home wa complete would constantly provoke older brother harshly picked mom damage somehow grew thinking wa good cop taught think could wrong wa perfect wa always right wa upset even seemingly unreasonable mental gymnastics justify example intervene argument dad finance 6 year old understand bad person love mom mom bathroom 8th time week razor blade psychiatrist beg come reason eventually realized say anything eventually still realized could probably leave would come soon anyway around 6 7 guess talked respond came literally running cornered yelled loving amp nbsp eating disorder evil dirty slut even though allowed house must look something done person mom say guess amp nbsp young child wa mostly raised grandparent nextdoor would sleep house often cry sleep every night thought mom wa mad every day blame something even got blamed dad losing 100 even know mom yelled back door yard neighborhood kid outside telling better bring 100 back right friend assumed wa thief cause 9 drive never go anywhere ha reason money definitely wont get caught random money point amp nbsp point around 9 started self harming understand apparently done wa upset always apparent major cause mother pain person love world matter thought amp nbsp parent destroyed education ongoing argument funsies guess planned graduate 15 16 gtfo wa physically bullied school point arm near broken every day begged homeschooled plan wa able focus schooling without bully graduate early get away family wa 2nd grade first year homeschooling skipped grade 5 work everything math got maybe grade 3 wa equivalent current grade public school work parent would argue public homeschooling switch back forth least school semester public school august month homeschooled obviously ruined extra work done became discouraged 7th grade began lot trouble math mom refused help saying learning disability learn help lovely psychotic step sister instead public school often go humiliated explain finish homework amp nbsp one point allowed outside grandparent moved due stress embraced reclusive told wanted way whenever people would think wa odd mom would huff back could speak saying everyone ha friend amp nbsp looking back remember dad telling mom coddled much kept people wanting time thought wa ridiculous see wa right needed soothe blame everything misery amp nbsp got older decided wanted try social say yes every single opportunity every one wa terrible idea ended abused predatory opportunist turn caused major anxiety ever became reclusive ever havent held stable job havent friend since time 10 year ago ha abusive thing great year moved year ago year thing pretty good far go obviously time feeling effort person feel shitty amp nbsp couple year ago found terrible situation decided option prostitution stripping drug suicide mass applied job receive response wa never qualified anything retail bad experience pay enough stopped eating became alcoholic little fund attempted suicide somewhere near 3 time week average month straight almost succeeded bf unexpectedly came home early wa sent hospital thing get better got threw away antidepressant since feeling felt inappropriate relation thought situation resumed weekly attempt otherwise lie bed try get fear killing amp nbsp 2017 2018 sucked last year got little better end year decided go back school decided rather abruptly time seek diagnosis learning disability think obviously diagnosis anxiety disorder recurrent major depressive disorder assumed receive accommodation done amp nbsp instead tried plowing feeling intentionally making uncomfortable joining club going campus person adjusting quickly hoped real world talk social skill one care real world old already exposed many job field attempted aware amp nbsp feel like failure overloading dont want back idk deal everything get help nothing outside school working home need good balance literally way making happen club meet week paper 1x month new club one showed became club leader force social situation hope head telling try talk garbage come older everyone else awkward supposed immature stupid social standard amp nbsp feel like going make straight feel like deserve art never look good even spending hour working need make work dont know dont know change 29 year instant desperately want want different dont want anymore meantime trying squeeze time getting little sleep time room even interacting talking anything feel really void affection social interaction right well anything fun used walk every day something lessens frequency nerve pain dont even time weather ha shit anyway dont find gaming fun like sit exhausted amp nbsp dont even know getting anymore frustrated life everything dull stressed lonely honestly hate everything awful really hate became really sick first week school bronchitis 3 4 week getting better feel like happening really fucked lot since energy dont know manage everything socialize feel like kill dont know even properly way wont totally awful looking get away pain last minute life could least peaceful would well ideal really wish assisted suicide chronically suicidal people wa thing sometimes,stress loneliness dragging,pastel sprite,14659,48,pastel sprite 29 year shut sometimes social anxiety bad step house go near window mental health bad work finish school decided go back school dependent longtime make feel awful element abuse past dont think fully trust anyone die get high paying job without degree hurting back terrible back neurological problem left something like stripping suicide amp nbsp point class getting intense already behind online class posted deadline prioritizing class work around 30 hour week keep quality high aiming class supposedly graded harshly far 1 b something worked 10 hour anyway behind online class trying make time catch seems impossible amp nbsp person class take much time 4 hour studio homework take maybe 1 5 hour usually trouble managing time hardly see see stay late play game havent intimacy month otherwise like 1 2x month thing help chore unless ask bunch time even though made chore chart u look fridge gave thing keep promising chore shower brush teeth basic thing actually said chore went back school like done worry worried left thing bit realized wa correct concerned house started looking trashed talk change topic recites meme kiss maybe twice day otherwise glued phone watching youtube video quit video game time consuming switched video instead addicted phone got bus last year wa passenger usually phone driving nothing dont drive anxiety dont working car stressed right feel totally alone amp nbsp literally dont time see therapist dont even time see doctor checkup work school homework home painfully shy awkward friend joined club make friend seems impossible people try befriend seems know interact amazing conversation another top performer class difficult work anticipated becoming friend try dont know reciprocate tell make thing uncomfortable react never started forming friendship make sense amp nbsp class one kid ha tried befriend ha autism come across pretty brash try remind ha condition take thing personally sometimes help feel terrible time close feel awkward think seems genuinely friendly time dont mind guess much stress point everything getting whole class also pretty distracting usually bearable stress wearing 0 thing relieve amp nbsp yesterday got grade back quiz friendly note try speak critique design student art class made mental note make sure speak critique last night panicked first panicked wanted done painting beforehand planned properly always slow one everything kept messing finish time seemed wa one 2 others finished made feel little better critique came aforementioned kid stood next always doe uncomfortably close front see painting panic increased want rude say anything planned shouldve painting critique wa called order panicked amp nbsp disorder cause dissociation stress social anxiety panic mind go blank happened day ago dog unfortunately aggressive 1 dog neighborhood strong dog fortunately point bf experienced lunged dog wasnt strong enough pull back panicked mind went blank stood mind thing could think wa like idea feeling alarm speak move neighbor seem mind gave dog treat felt terrible know fix amp nbsp critique mind wa blank know say absorbed thing others said mind flushed tried speak speaking thinking time difficult guess stupid usually think long time speak think write dont know think speak quickly felt like cry wait pack start drawing assignment realized forgotten important supply amp nbsp grew abusive parent dad wa pretty absent working lot wa home wa complete would constantly provoke older brother harshly picked mom damage somehow grew thinking wa good cop taught think could wrong wa perfect wa always right wa upset even seemingly unreasonable mental gymnastics justify example intervene argument dad finance 6 year old understand bad person love mom mom bathroom 8th time week razor blade psychiatrist beg come reason eventually realized say anything eventually still realized could probably leave would come soon anyway around 6 7 guess talked respond came literally running cornered yelled loving amp nbsp eating disorder evil dirty slut even though allowed house must look something done person mom say guess amp nbsp young child wa mostly raised grandparent nextdoor would sleep house often cry sleep every night thought mom wa mad every day blame something even got blamed dad losing 100 even know mom yelled back door yard neighborhood kid outside telling better bring 100 back right friend assumed wa thief cause 9 drive never go anywhere ha reason money definitely wont get caught random money point amp nbsp point around 9 started self harming understand apparently done wa upset always apparent major cause mother pain person love world matter thought amp nbsp parent destroyed education ongoing argument funsies guess planned graduate 15 16 gtfo wa physically bullied school point arm near broken every day begged homeschooled plan wa able focus schooling without bully graduate early get away family wa 2nd grade first year homeschooling skipped grade 5 work everything math got maybe grade 3 wa equivalent current grade public school work parent would argue public homeschooling switch back forth least school semester public school august month homeschooled obviously ruined extra work done became discouraged 7th grade began lot trouble math mom refused help saying learning disability learn help lovely psychotic step sister instead public school often go humiliated explain finish homework amp nbsp one point allowed outside grandparent moved due stress embraced reclusive told wanted way whenever people would think wa odd mom would huff back could speak saying everyone ha friend amp nbsp looking back remember dad telling mom coddled much kept people wanting time thought wa ridiculous see wa right needed soothe blame everything misery amp nbsp got older decided wanted try social say yes every single opportunity every one wa terrible idea ended abused predatory opportunist turn caused major anxiety ever became reclusive ever havent held stable job havent friend since time 10 year ago ha abusive thing great year moved year ago year thing pretty good far go obviously time feeling effort person feel shitty amp nbsp couple year ago found terrible situation decided option prostitution stripping drug suicide mass applied job receive response wa never qualified anything retail bad experience pay enough stopped eating became alcoholic little fund attempted suicide somewhere near 3 time week average month straight almost succeeded bf unexpectedly came home early wa sent hospital thing get better got threw away antidepressant since feeling felt inappropriate relation thought situation resumed weekly attempt otherwise lie bed try get fear killing amp nbsp 2017 2018 sucked last year got little better end year decided go back school decided rather abruptly time seek diagnosis learning disability think obviously diagnosis anxiety disorder recurrent major depressive disorder assumed receive accommodation done amp nbsp instead tried plowing feeling intentionally making uncomfortable joining club going campus person adjusting quickly hoped real world talk social skill one care real world old already exposed many job field attempted aware amp nbsp feel like failure overloading dont want back idk deal everything get help nothing outside school working home need good balance literally way making happen club meet week paper 1x month new club one showed became club leader force social situation hope head telling try talk garbage come older everyone else awkward supposed immature stupid social standard amp nbsp feel like going make straight feel like deserve art never look good even spending hour working need make work dont know dont know change 29 year instant desperately want want different dont want anymore meantime trying squeeze time getting little sleep time room even interacting talking anything feel really void affection social interaction right well anything fun used walk every day something lessens frequency nerve pain dont even time weather ha shit anyway dont find gaming fun like sit exhausted amp nbsp dont even know getting anymore frustrated life everything dull stressed lonely honestly hate everything awful really hate became really sick first week school bronchitis 3 4 week getting better feel like happening really fucked lot since energy dont know manage everything socialize feel like kill dont know even properly way wont totally awful looking get away pain last minute life could least peaceful would well ideal really wish assisted suicide chronically suicidal people wa thing sometimes stress loneliness dragging
I want to pass something along that might save someone.,"I have been through some shit ok? we all have. 

​

But for once in you goddamn fucking life , listen to someone else.

what you are feeling is NOT real. You are indulging yourself. 

Wake up from the dream. This pain you are feeling isn't real or at least not real enough to decide on a very bad decision.   


That fuckin sun will shine again. It might shining right now. You just need to open the curtains.

Let that Sun do it's shine that it does so well. 

I am fuckin still here.  YOu aint gonna leave me here by myself.  

we are good. we are truly good.",goodNonEvilHarry,19,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdilbg/i_want_to_pass_something_along_that_might_save/,shit ok amp x200b goddamn fucking life listen someone else feeling real indulging wake dream pain feeling real least real enough decide bad decision fuckin sun shine might shining right need open curtain let sun shine doe well fuckin still aint gonna leave good truly good,want pas something along might save someone,good non evil harry,572,55,good non evil harry shit ok amp x200b goddamn fucking life listen someone else feeling real indulging wake dream pain feeling real least real enough decide bad decision fuckin sun shine might shining right need open curtain let sun shine doe well fuckin still aint gonna leave good truly good want pas something along might save someone
There is a difference.,"A lot of which I’ve noticed is those that don’t want to live anymore and those who want to live but can’t take the pain anymore. 

I know there are times a few years ago where I’m absolutely done and the pain is overwhelming. I’m currently waiting for that time when my heartbreak ebbs and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.",notadoctor-shhh,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmuqt/there_is_a_difference/,lot noticed want live anymore want live take pain anymore know time year ago absolutely done pain overwhelming currently waiting time heartbreak ebb see light end tunnel,difference,doctor sh hh,335,22,doctor sh hh lot noticed want live anymore want live take pain anymore know time year ago absolutely done pain overwhelming currently waiting time heartbreak ebb see light end tunnel difference
Tired,"No matter what, the nightmares won't stop. Only way to get through things is to focus on getting through another hour. This isn't even living anymore. I'm tired and I want it to stop",rainblu89,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpqw2/tired/,matter nightmare stop way get thing focus getting another hour even living anymore tired want stop,tired,rain blu 89,182,5,rain blu 89 matter nightmare stop way get thing focus getting another hour even living anymore tired want stop tired
My life is a fucking joke,"I have 0 friends. I’m getting bad marks in school and I’m garbage at my major. Never had a girlfriend and I have terrible anxiety that inhibits me from everything. I don’t have the balls to approach a girl or even ask a question in class. And the final blow is that I’m literally broke and have to work on the weekends to keep ~150 bucks in my account which just puts me further behind in school. 

I’m just so tired of everything. Tired of doing everything alone, having no one to talk. Tired of constant school work or shitty part-time job work. I resent my dad and dislike my step mom.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to improve my life, going to the gym, meditating, cold showers, but it’s gotten me nowhere. I don’t want to try anymore. I just want to die. This life is not for me. Thank you if you read this",Ctnnelle,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpqkl/my_life_is_a_fucking_joke/,0 friend getting bad mark school garbage major never girlfriend terrible anxiety inhibits everything ball approach girl even ask question class final blow literally broke work weekend keep 150 buck account put behind school tired everything tired everything alone one talk tired constant school work shitty part time job work resent dad dislike step mom feel like tried hard improve life going gym meditating cold shower gotten nowhere want try anymore want die life thank read,life fucking joke,c tnn elle,813,25,c tnn elle 0 friend getting bad mark school garbage major never girlfriend terrible anxiety inhibits everything ball approach girl even ask question class final blow literally broke work weekend keep 150 buck account put behind school tired everything tired everything alone one talk tired constant school work shitty part time job work resent dad dislike step mom feel like tried hard improve life going gym meditating cold shower gotten nowhere want try anymore want die life thank read life fucking joke
Fuck an interesting title,"So I've been scrolling down this page for a while now and I'm amazed by how much people feel the same way as I have for a while now. It doesn't make me feel any better but actually more determined to take my life knowing people live the rest of their life like this. 

I'm 16 years old I left school at 15 quit college at 16 and have no qualifications to rely on. I'm extremely socially awkward and possibly have deppresion I don't know. See the thing is I also have a extreme fear of doctors and just having people examine me in general and this has been taking more of an effect on me than normal.

Around December last year I took acid for the first time. I don't remember a lot about that night as I entered an incredibly deep bad trip after my friend was kicked out of the house leaving me alone  on my first time. As I said I can't remember a lot about that night but  2 main factors stuck with me 1. My balls felt HEAVY real heavy 2. I thought I killed myself on multiple occasions that night. I kept seeing images of a weapon infront of me each time different each time more deadly. Everyone time believing they were real I tried to use them to end my life. And it felt like I would wake up everytime alive and I would cry. 

Reading back on this probably should have mentioned before I was already suicidal as shit before taking oh well.

Anyway couple months progress I'm doing ok and I'm lying in bed smoking a joint when that sane feeling of heaviness occurred in my balls not as strong this time but still there. After a couple weeks of consistent around night time feelings of heaviness occurred I decided to Google (yeah ik) my issue.

To my absolute fucking horror I discovered I have something called a vardicole or something like that I don't want to go back and check as I'm extremely 0aranoid of reading something I don't want to.

Now before anything gets typed I want to say that it is 100 percent that condition (whatever the name may be) as the symptoms aren't exactly common among other conditions. 

As I said in extremely scared of hospitals and getting examined so something around that area has an extreme effect on me even thinking about getting it checked.

I've been doing good for a while now but I can't get the thoughts out of my head and I can feel myself spiralling until those final moments where I can find eternal peace. 

So this is what I ask of you reading this if you would help me. I'm terrified of searching what will happen to me if I don't get surgery but I also kind of want to know so I'm basing this heavily on trust if you were to do a tiny bit of research on the condition and only leave a positive comment ABSOLUTELY NOTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT CONDITION PLEASE. Like if it will damage me do not tell me even if it can kill please don't tell me. But if you find anything that will be reassuring please let me know. Because I'm not getting surgery so please please don't tell me anything bad about it I am genuinely terrified to post this in case people just say shit anyway 

Also to find condition type into Google wierd feeling in testicle or something like that I'm not sure I'm sorry I know it's is a lot but if you could take time out of your night to help me it would mean more than you know.",ayehullo,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmrsf/fuck_an_interesting_title/,scrolling page amazed much people feel way make feel better actually determined take life knowing people live rest life like 16 year old left school 15 quit college 16 qualification rely extremely socially awkward possibly deppresion know see thing also extreme fear doctor people examine general ha taking effect normal around december last year took acid first time remember lot night entered incredibly deep bad trip friend wa kicked house leaving alone first time said remember lot night 2 main factor stuck 1 ball felt heavy real heavy 2 thought killed multiple occasion night kept seeing image weapon infront time different time deadly everyone time believing real tried use end life felt like would wake everytime alive would cry reading back probably mentioned wa already suicidal shit taking oh well anyway couple month progress ok lying bed smoking joint sane feeling heaviness occurred ball strong time still couple week consistent around night time feeling heaviness occurred decided google yeah ik issue absolute fucking horror discovered something called vardicole something like want go back check extremely 0aranoid reading something want anything get typed want say 100 percent condition whatever name may symptom exactly common among condition said extremely scared hospital getting examined something around area ha extreme effect even thinking getting checked good get thought head feel spiralling final moment find eternal peace ask reading would help terrified searching happen get surgery also kind want know basing heavily trust tiny bit research condition leave positive comment absolutely nothing negative condition please like damage tell even kill please tell find anything reassuring please let know getting surgery please please tell anything bad genuinely terrified post case people say shit anyway also find condition type google wierd feeling testicle something like sure sorry know lot could take time night help would mean know,fuck interesting title,aye hull,3247,25,aye hull scrolling page amazed much people feel way make feel better actually determined take life knowing people live rest life like 16 year old left school 15 quit college 16 qualification rely extremely socially awkward possibly deppresion know see thing also extreme fear doctor people examine general ha taking effect normal around december last year took acid first time remember lot night entered incredibly deep bad trip friend wa kicked house leaving alone first time said remember lot night 2 main factor stuck 1 ball felt heavy real heavy 2 thought killed multiple occasion night kept seeing image weapon infront time different time deadly everyone time believing real tried use end life felt like would wake everytime alive would cry reading back probably mentioned wa already suicidal shit taking oh well anyway couple month progress ok lying bed smoking joint sane feeling heaviness occurred ball strong time still couple week consistent around night time feeling heaviness occurred decided google yeah ik issue absolute fucking horror discovered something called vardicole something like want go back check extremely 0aranoid reading something want anything get typed want say 100 percent condition whatever name may symptom exactly common among condition said extremely scared hospital getting examined something around area ha extreme effect even thinking getting checked good get thought head feel spiralling final moment find eternal peace ask reading would help terrified searching happen get surgery also kind want know basing heavily trust tiny bit research condition leave positive comment absolutely nothing negative condition please like damage tell even kill please tell find anything reassuring please let know getting surgery please please tell anything bad genuinely terrified post case people say shit anyway also find condition type google wierd feeling testicle something like sure sorry know lot could take time night help would mean know fuck interesting title
"Laying down on the bathroom floor about to make a cocktail of cleaning, I've given up.",emptypost,PupCorn_,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdee82/laying_down_on_the_bathroom_floor_about_to_make_a/,emptypost,laying bathroom floor make cocktail cleaning given,pup corn,9,86,pup corn emptypost laying bathroom floor make cocktail cleaning given
it was fun while it lasted,"tragic how we can just fall apart, we’ll see if i can make it through tomorrow. i’m trying i think",crygems,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpo5n/it_was_fun_while_it_lasted/,tragic fall apart see make tomorrow trying think,wa fun lasted,cry gem,98,26,cry gem tragic fall apart see make tomorrow trying think wa fun lasted
"just if you have anything you think would help, please send it","If you have something you think will help me, please say it",Easilyremembered123,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpnc0/just_if_you_have_anything_you_think_would_help/,something think help please say,anything think would help please send,easily remembered 123,59,62,easily remembered 123 something think help please say anything think would help please send
Schools driving me insane,"I can’t do this anymore, after moving to 3 different high schools in my last year of school, two core classes of mine are failing grades (one 20 and one 55) and I don’t know what to do. Walking the stage doesn’t even seem appealing to me anymore. All this work I don’t even understand. I should be studying instead of Reddit but I can’t even talk to my girlfriend without feeling embarrassed. Idk why this is so much pressure on me, I don’t even know what to do when I get out of high school. School ends in May and I just don’t know. We have one quarter left of high school. 

This is too much and I’m thinking about things I shouldn’t think about. But this life shit is too much and I can’t handle it anymore. I really can’t. I try and try but nothing clicks. I just can’t Anymore and I’m tired of being an disappointment",OhZaon,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpmav/schools_driving_me_insane/,anymore moving 3 different high school last year school two core class mine failing grade one 20 one 55 know walking stage even seem appealing anymore work even understand studying instead reddit even talk girlfriend without feeling embarrassed idk much pressure even know get high school school end may know one quarter left high school much thinking thing think life shit much handle anymore really try try nothing click anymore tired disappointment,school driving insane,oh za,823,25,oh za anymore moving 3 different high school last year school two core class mine failing grade one 20 one 55 know walking stage even seem appealing anymore work even understand studying instead reddit even talk girlfriend without feeling embarrassed idk much pressure even know get high school school end may know one quarter left high school much thinking thing think life shit much handle anymore really try try nothing click anymore tired disappointment school driving insane
I just want to die," I want to die. I’m tired of feeling this way inside and not being about to tell anyone. My friends have their own issues, depression, substance use, family issue. My situation in life it pretty good, I know this. Objectively, I can see it but this feeling that I carry inside is too much. This echoing nothing that carries on from day to day, the overwhelming sadness, the worthlessness... its all too much.   I think about my family and then I feel guilt.. who would find me , who would clean up? Who would pack my shit away or sell it? The damage it would do to my mother only adds to the guilt.  But there’s no way I can stay, living like this hurts. I’m head over heels for someone and every minute I spend with them is lovely. I makes things a little bit easier. But I can feel that my presence is too much sometimes, and the guilt come rushing in. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.",recklessshope,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpm1x/i_just_want_to_die/,want die tired feeling way inside tell anyone friend issue depression substance use family issue situation life pretty good know objectively see feeling carry inside much echoing nothing carry day day overwhelming sadness worthlessness much think family feel guilt would find would clean would pack shit away sell damage would mother add guilt way stay living like hurt head heel someone every minute spend lovely make thing little bit easier feel presence much sometimes guilt come rushing know long keep,want die,reckless hope,896,18,reckless hope want die tired feeling way inside tell anyone friend issue depression substance use family issue situation life pretty good know objectively see feeling carry inside much echoing nothing carry day day overwhelming sadness worthlessness much think family feel guilt would find would clean would pack shit away sell damage would mother add guilt way stay living like hurt head heel someone every minute spend lovely make thing little bit easier feel presence much sometimes guilt come rushing know long keep want die
"In the best way I could, I tried. But it didn't work","Last night was hard. Harder than the rest. I won't lie, all my feelings of death were enhanced when I saw that my e×, my first and only love, have the time of his life with someone else. I was drunk and sure I wanted to die. So I told a friend and she was sad, but I reassured her I wasnt going to do anything. When I went home to my apartment, I took a handful of ibuprofen pills and went to sleep. I probably should have taken more because I'm awake typing this. I know it's stupid to think I could overdose on ibuprofen, but I didn't have anything else. I'm so disappointed that I woke up this morning and saw a text from me ex, essentially saying that he has been over me for almost a year and that he was happy now and he was over it. Him telling me to get over it. The reason I want to die isn't because of him. However, knowing that whatever feelings I felt of love were unrequited, just makes me wish I wasn't alive to see it. I wish it was my last message. I wish it worked somehow. I'm just so tired of living my life, but there's no real way to end it. I'm trapped. Every attempt gets me closer to my goal, but I'm too afraid to do it. Life is so tiring and I can't keep pretending to everyone that I plan on being alive next fall.",yuuuu45123,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddkb6/in_the_best_way_i_could_i_tried_but_it_didnt_work/,last night wa hard harder rest lie feeling death enhanced saw e first love time life someone else wa drunk sure wanted die told friend wa sad reassured wasnt going anything went home apartment took handful ibuprofen pill went sleep probably taken awake typing know stupid think could overdose ibuprofen anything else disappointed woke morning saw text ex essentially saying ha almost year wa happy wa telling get reason want die however knowing whatever feeling felt love unrequited make wish alive see wish wa last message wish worked somehow tired living life real way end trapped every attempt get closer goal afraid life tiring keep pretending everyone plan alive next fall,best way could tried work,yuu u u 45123,1242,52,yuu u u 45123 last night wa hard harder rest lie feeling death enhanced saw e first love time life someone else wa drunk sure wanted die told friend wa sad reassured wasnt going anything went home apartment took handful ibuprofen pill went sleep probably taken awake typing know stupid think could overdose ibuprofen anything else disappointed woke morning saw text ex essentially saying ha almost year wa happy wa telling get reason want die however knowing whatever feeling felt love unrequited make wish alive see wish wa last message wish worked somehow tired living life real way end trapped every attempt get closer goal afraid life tiring keep pretending everyone plan alive next fall best way could tried work
Living takes so much work,"Just having the most basic lifestyle takes so much fucking work, just leaving the house to go to school is too much
So many possibilities, so many diseases you can have, so many things a person can judge you for, so many things that you can do wrong

Why can’t I just be normal?",Aboringperson0973,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpj1h/living_takes_so_much_work/,basic lifestyle take much fucking work leaving house go school much many possibility many disease many thing person judge many thing wrong normal,living take much work,boring person 0973,278,25,boring person 0973 basic lifestyle take much fucking work leaving house go school much many possibility many disease many thing person judge many thing wrong normal living take much work
Eternal Rest,"I’m a 13 year old boy, and I don’t want to be one of those self diagnosing people only looking for attention. Lately all I can think about killing myself or just saying fuck everything in life. Hate to say it but if I had a gun right now I think I would kill myself. It’s fast and easy, no pain unlike waiting for you to bleed out from your slit wrists. No one ever likes me. My parents always talk about what a useless piece of shit I am and brags to their friends about it like it’s an accomplishment. “You know that he didn’t even do this and this, etc. He’s such a fucking asshole he doesn’t do anything right. I wish I never had kids, I wanted a girl!”, they would say usually weekly. That shit hurts. I’ve been rejected by everyone. I’ve always had straight A’s, been the smartest and mostly progressive person in the class. I’m tired of putting on a facade that anything is worth anything. There is no heaven or hell, just nothing. So why not end it? No one’s listened to my problems. “Man up, boys don’t cry! Women run the world, all men are pigs and need to die”, is what I’m constantly told. I just don’t know anymore, I just stopped caring. All I do is listen to music and cry. School is useless, learning absolutely fucking nothing and wasting your life away for a degree you can’t use. I’m sure everyone is gonna say, I’m so young, I can’t have depression. Of course not, he’s just going through a phase and is seeking attention. But that’s alright. Always been introverted and quiet. So, I just don’t know. I think I should kill myself soon life has no purpose nor meaning, just an eternal land of misery and fake happiness. The only thing that makes me remotely happy is video games and talking to people on them, but playing games is a rare occurrence. Never allowed to play though I excel every way in school, so fuck it. Drop everything who gives a shit about grades. Who gives a shit about anything. So... I’m done here. You guys should love yourself, but me fuck me, I hope I die.",ShrekDivircesFiona,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpe9u/eternal_rest/,13 year old boy want one self diagnosing people looking attention lately think killing saying fuck everything life hate say gun right think would kill fast easy pain unlike waiting bleed slit wrist one ever like parent always talk useless piece shit brag friend like accomplishment know even etc fucking asshole anything right wish never kid wanted girl would say usually weekly shit hurt rejected everyone always straight smartest mostly progressive person class tired putting facade anything worth anything heaven hell nothing end one listened problem man boy cry woman run world men pig need die constantly told know anymore stopped caring listen music cry school useless learning absolutely fucking nothing wasting life away degree use sure everyone gonna say young depression course going phase seeking attention alright always introverted quiet know think kill soon life ha purpose meaning eternal land misery fake happiness thing make remotely happy video game talking people playing game rare occurrence never allowed play though excel every way school fuck drop everything give shit grade give shit anything done guy love fuck hope die,eternal rest,shrek div irc e fiona,2000,12,shrek div irc e fiona 13 year old boy want one self diagnosing people looking attention lately think killing saying fuck everything life hate say gun right think would kill fast easy pain unlike waiting bleed slit wrist one ever like parent always talk useless piece shit brag friend like accomplishment know even etc fucking asshole anything right wish never kid wanted girl would say usually weekly shit hurt rejected everyone always straight smartest mostly progressive person class tired putting facade anything worth anything heaven hell nothing end one listened problem man boy cry woman run world men pig need die constantly told know anymore stopped caring listen music cry school useless learning absolutely fucking nothing wasting life away degree use sure everyone gonna say young depression course going phase seeking attention alright always introverted quiet know think kill soon life ha purpose meaning eternal land misery fake happiness thing make remotely happy video game talking people playing game rare occurrence never allowed play though excel every way school fuck drop everything give shit grade give shit anything done guy love fuck hope die eternal rest
I wish I had that extra bit of courage to actually do it.,I wish I knew no one. I wouldn't think twice about it then. I don't want to hurt my family.,minxli,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmf7z/i_wish_i_had_that_extra_bit_of_courage_to/,wish knew one think twice want hurt family,wish extra bit courage actually,minx li,91,57,minx li wish knew one think twice want hurt family wish extra bit courage actually
My boyfriend doesn't understand,"He says you have a good life, he just wouldn't understand my pain or what I am going through. He thinks I overreact. He doesn't know how much I want to shut so badly the thoughts in my head when they tell me to go the bridge next to me and just end it all.",mahtek,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmf0l/my_boyfriend_doesnt_understand/,say good life understand pain going think overreact know much want shut badly thought head tell go bridge next end,boyfriend understand,mah tek,256,31,mah tek say good life understand pain going think overreact know much want shut badly thought head tell go bridge next end boyfriend understand
I fear my end is near.,"Been struggling so much with work & anxiety with how complicated i find it.

How I flip flop about whether I’m ok where I am I’m this job, I think not but some days I get by just about ok & maybe it’s not so bad.

Been having suicidal ideations a lot  more frequently lately. 

Think the only solace in life atm other than cannabis is my girl & unexpectedly tonight I found out it’s likely to end soon. I also work under her dads management so it’s gonna be awkward anywayZ I know it’s selfish for me to feel like this compared to some people’s pain but here I am just thinking about the perfect place to jump off.",anytime710,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmegu/i_fear_my_end_is_near/,struggling much work amp anxiety complicated find flip flop whether ok job think day get ok amp maybe bad suicidal ideation lot frequently lately think solace life atm cannabis girl amp unexpectedly tonight found likely end soon also work dad management gonna awkward anywayz know selfish feel like compared people pain thinking perfect place jump,fear end near,anytime 710,626,22,anytime 710 struggling much work amp anxiety complicated find flip flop whether ok job think day get ok amp maybe bad suicidal ideation lot frequently lately think solace life atm cannabis girl amp unexpectedly tonight found likely end soon also work dad management gonna awkward anywayz know selfish feel like compared people pain thinking perfect place jump fear end near
I think this is it,"I'm tired, I'm trying so hard, I want to be happy but I don't know what to do, I have no one to talk too and no matter how I try it seems like I can never be better or good enough. I don't know what to do, I want to overdose but have nothing and I'm to much of a pussy to cut deep enough. I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to but I don't know if I can",sammy17917,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpbw0/i_think_this_is_it/,tired trying hard want happy know one talk matter try seems like never better good enough know want overdose nothing much pussy cut deep enough know trying know,think,sammy 17917,357,18,sammy 17917 tired trying hard want happy know one talk matter try seems like never better good enough know want overdose nothing much pussy cut deep enough know trying know think
Please help,"I have depression and have struggled with suicide. I’m currently in college and being in it has made me realize how much life sucks. I know things are worst in other places but the following thing bother me: 
1.)All we do is go to school to get a career we don’t like and work to pay bills. 
2.)I have no interested and I don’t have fun doing anything. 
3.) College just makes me very depressed I feel like I can’t succeed in anything and that I’m wasting money. 
4.) The factor that people hate each other for no reason. (Politics, Race, Sexuality etc.)
Someone please help me I also take depression meds and talk to my doctor about how they don’t work and none of the counseling or therapy I’ve had helps",SksIwannadie,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdpb0t/please_help/,depression struggled suicide currently college ha made realize much life suck know thing worst place following thing bother 1 go school get career like work pay bill 2 interested fun anything 3 college make depressed feel like succeed anything wasting money 4 factor people hate reason politics race sexuality etc someone please help also take depression med talk doctor work none counseling therapy help,please help,ksi wanna die,706,11,ksi wanna die depression struggled suicide currently college ha made realize much life suck know thing worst place following thing bother 1 go school get career like work pay bill 2 interested fun anything 3 college make depressed feel like succeed anything wasting money 4 factor people hate reason politics race sexuality etc someone please help also take depression med talk doctor work none counseling therapy help please help
i'm so tired,"last night i pressed a knife to my wrist and wondered how deep i'd have to cut to bleed out. but i'm a pussy so i barely cut myself. i spent all night crying.

next time i won't stop.

Edit: I'm not looking for advice. I'm not looking for someone who will tell me it gets better. Just stop.",unhappyandunable,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfegp/im_so_tired/,last night pressed knife wrist wondered deep cut bleed pussy barely cut spent night cry next time stop edit looking advice looking someone tell get better stop,tired,unhappy unable,290,12,unhappy unable last night pressed knife wrist wondered deep cut bleed pussy barely cut spent night cry next time stop edit looking advice looking someone tell get better stop tired
Officially homeless!,Mom kicked me out:) can’t wait for this to be the final straw to kill myself I wish I was never 302 so I could get a gun :/ I’ll have to sleep in the car a few nights till I get my hands on one.,enk9898,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdk7nx/officially_homeless/,mom kicked wait final straw kill wish wa never 302 could get gun sleep car night till get hand one,officially homeless,en k 9898,194,20,en k 9898 mom kicked wait final straw kill wish wa never 302 could get gun sleep car night till get hand one officially homeless
"He took my childhood, but I’m taking my life","I was scared he was going to do what he did to me to another little girl, and so I finally reported my abuse to the police nearly 6 years after it had ended. There was no physical evidence and so to press charges they need me to testify in court. 

I’m going to testify, but then I’m going to kill myself. Regardless of the verdict, I will have made my disgusting and horrible actions known to the public so history cannot repeat itself, and little girls will be safe from the predator who stole so much from me. It’s just so much easier to guarantee that my suffering will end than to expect a court to do right thing.

In all honestly, I never imagined living this long, I never thought I’d make it to my senior year of high school. I’m supposed to go to college in the fall, but I’ll be dead by then. I wish I could do it sooner but I don’t want to be the coward that let others get hurt when it was preventable.",cudaheyyy,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdp4n2/he_took_my_childhood_but_im_taking_my_life/,wa scared wa going another little girl finally reported abuse police nearly 6 year ended wa physical evidence press charge need testify court going testify going kill regardless verdict made disgusting horrible action known public history cannot repeat little girl safe predator stole much much easier guarantee suffering end expect court right thing honestly never imagined living long never thought make senior year high school supposed go college fall dead wish could sooner want coward let others get hurt wa preventable,took childhood taking life,cuda hey yy,915,44,cuda hey yy wa scared wa going another little girl finally reported abuse police nearly 6 year ended wa physical evidence press charge need testify court going testify going kill regardless verdict made disgusting horrible action known public history cannot repeat little girl safe predator stole much much easier guarantee suffering end expect court right thing honestly never imagined living long never thought make senior year high school supposed go college fall dead wish could sooner want coward let others get hurt wa preventable took childhood taking life
I don't know what's wrong with me,"I've had depression for as long as I can remember and I can't make any lasting friendships, let alone date anyone. My severe acne gives me really bad anxiety and makes me undesirable and I've tried getting rid of it but nothing works. I've been in stationary therapy for half a year after a suicide attempt. For a while everything was fine, I got a voluntary job in child care and felt like I had a purpose but now, 2 Months in, I am a raging alcoholic and feel like dying again. I feel like everyone hates me and I don't know why. I don't know if I am really insecure or suffering from a mental illness. I really need help but don't know how to get it because I am too scared to reach out.",HmnGrbg,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdm41o/i_dont_know_whats_wrong_with_me/,depression long remember make lasting friendship let alone date anyone severe acne give really bad anxiety make undesirable tried getting rid nothing work stationary therapy half year suicide attempt everything wa fine got voluntary job child care felt like purpose 2 month raging alcoholic feel like dying feel like everyone hate know know really insecure suffering mental illness really need help know get scared reach,know wrong,hm n grb g,690,33,hm n grb g depression long remember make lasting friendship let alone date anyone severe acne give really bad anxiety make undesirable tried getting rid nothing work stationary therapy half year suicide attempt everything wa fine got voluntary job child care felt like purpose 2 month raging alcoholic feel like dying feel like everyone hate know know really insecure suffering mental illness really need help know get scared reach know wrong
Just in case,"My parents fight all the time, Idk if ive been verbally abused or what but my mother yells at me a lot, typically calls me a little shit. i dont really give a fuck about that its just middle school man. Everybody is just so fucking two-faced and even though i have a good amount of friends idk if they are really my friends or what. I really scared myself last week though, had my first suicidal thought. Im not trying to commit suicide yet, the thought has just crossed my mind and i kinda wanna talk about it",The_harryest_d,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlx4d/just_in_case/,parent fight time idk ive verbally abused mother yell lot typically call little shit dont really give fuck middle school man everybody fucking two faced even though good amount friend idk really friend really scared last week though first suicidal thought im trying commit suicide yet thought ha crossed mind kinda wanna talk,case,harry est,510,12,harry est parent fight time idk ive verbally abused mother yell lot typically call little shit dont really give fuck middle school man everybody fucking two faced even though good amount friend idk really friend really scared last week though first suicidal thought im trying commit suicide yet thought ha crossed mind kinda wanna talk case
This this enough pills?,"If I down a bottle of sleeping pills and painkillers, would it take me?",OlsonShmoody2,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdowm6/this_this_enough_pills/,bottle sleeping pill painkiller would take,enough pill,olson sh moody 2,71,23,olson sh moody 2 bottle sleeping pill painkiller would take enough pill
I haven’t made a post in about a year,"I’m 19 now, Im surprised I made it this far. But around Halloween I cut my wrist, with a big scare to show for it. I moved out my parents house, which I thought would make things better, but it really didn’t. I’m still suffering greatly. I feel I can’t even put it into words the emptiness and great suffocation I feel to be alive everyday. Im in community college but I barely go. I work a part time job but I only get one day a week. It’s all so overwhelming. I wanted to be an artist but I can’t even make art anymore, everything feels like such a burden and such a chore in my life. I feel like people don’t care about me at all. I understand they have their own lives, but I feel no one takes what I say seriously. Especially the people I live with, my sister and her wife. They say “we care about you and we understand what you’re feeling but it comes to a point where you have to do things.” Like I understand that, I’m trying, but I just can’t. I’m useless, horrible, and incompetent. 

As a kid, I never really felt happy either. I was always left alone, hated, and ignored. As a kid I was sexually abused for about 2 years by an older girl then 2 random occasions by 2 boys. I’ve suffered from my trauma that didn’t come to surface until I was 16. So I’ve just been dealing with that for a while and I can’t seem to overcome it. I’ve tried a couple medications but they don’t really seem to work. Killing myself seems to be only way to end my pain. I can’t function as a human. I just get so tired, mentally and physically.  I always hope for things to get better but they never do. Im just a fat sack of shit who won’t accomplish anything in their life. I feel I can’t say anything how I truly feel. I fucking hate being alive. I feel like I’m living for other people, no one is listening to what I want.",Sun_Queen17,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlvnx/i_havent_made_a_post_in_about_a_year/,19 im surprised made far around halloween cut wrist big scare show moved parent house thought would make thing better really still suffering greatly feel even put word emptiness great suffocation feel alive everyday im community college barely go work part time job get one day week overwhelming wanted artist even make art anymore everything feel like burden chore life feel like people care understand life feel one take say seriously especially people live sister wife say care understand feeling come point thing like understand trying useless horrible incompetent kid never really felt happy either wa always left alone hated ignored kid wa sexually abused 2 year older girl 2 random occasion 2 boy suffered trauma come surface wa 16 dealing seem overcome tried couple medication really seem work killing seems way end pain function human get tired mentally physically always hope thing get better never im fat sack shit accomplish anything life feel say anything truly feel fucking hate alive feel like living people one listening want,made post year,sun queen 17,1815,37,sun queen 17 19 im surprised made far around halloween cut wrist big scare show moved parent house thought would make thing better really still suffering greatly feel even put word emptiness great suffocation feel alive everyday im community college barely go work part time job get one day week overwhelming wanted artist even make art anymore everything feel like burden chore life feel like people care understand life feel one take say seriously especially people live sister wife say care understand feeling come point thing like understand trying useless horrible incompetent kid never really felt happy either wa always left alone hated ignored kid wa sexually abused 2 year older girl 2 random occasion 2 boy suffered trauma come surface wa 16 dealing seem overcome tried couple medication really seem work killing seems way end pain function human get tired mentally physically always hope thing get better never im fat sack shit accomplish anything life feel say anything truly feel fucking hate alive feel like living people one listening want made post year
Has anyone actually ever recovered from depression?,"Does the constant feeling of emptiness remain, no matter what you do?",Glass_roses,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdjrpd/has_anyone_actually_ever_recovered_from_depression/,doe constant feeling emptiness remain matter,ha anyone actually ever recovered depression,glass rose,69,51,glass rose doe constant feeling emptiness remain matter ha anyone actually ever recovered depression
i’m wanting to end it more than ever but i’m shaking,"i’ve thought about suicide a lot in the past but never like this, i’m shaking thinking that it might be a reality. I really give up and feel lost i want to die i don’t know what i’ll do or how but i’ve given up.",itsghostz123,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlptg/im_wanting_to_end_it_more_than_ever_but_im_shaking/,thought suicide lot past never like shaking thinking might reality really give feel lost want die know given,wanting end ever shaking,ghost z 123,211,52,ghost z 123 thought suicide lot past never like shaking thinking might reality really give feel lost want die know given wanting end ever shaking
Pragmatic suicide,"This might sound ridiculous, but I want to die, and I'm not severely depressed. I'm approaching this purely philosophically.

The way I see it, my life is more suffering than joy, and that's probably not going to change. In fact, I would say this is true of most people. We spend most of our time doing things we don't want to do: working, cleaning, driving in traffic, feeling hungry, experiencing physical discomfort, etc, etc. Why would it not be better to not exist at all (I don't believe in an afterlife) rather than experience the totality of consciousness?

Now other people will mourn my death, this much is true. But they're going to mourn my death regardless of when it happens. No mourning is avoided by making it happen now. If anything, I'm at a point in my life when no one is dependent on me and my death will have the smallest impact it probably ever will.

So why not die?",libertysailor,20,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd66fn/pragmatic_suicide/,might sound ridiculous want die severely depressed approaching purely philosophically way see life suffering joy probably going change fact would say true people spend time thing want working cleaning driving traffic feeling hungry experiencing physical discomfort etc etc would better exist believe afterlife rather experience totality consciousness people mourn death much true going mourn death regardless happens mourning avoided making happen anything point life one dependent death smallest impact probably ever die,pragmatic suicide,liberty sailor,890,17,liberty sailor might sound ridiculous want die severely depressed approaching purely philosophically way see life suffering joy probably going change fact would say true people spend time thing want working cleaning driving traffic feeling hungry experiencing physical discomfort etc etc would better exist believe afterlife rather experience totality consciousness people mourn death much true going mourn death regardless happens mourning avoided making happen anything point life one dependent death smallest impact probably ever die pragmatic suicide
I haven't left the house in a year I want to kill myself I feel like I can't go on,emptypost,StarryNight____,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdi3ne/i_havent_left_the_house_in_a_year_i_want_to_kill/,emptypost,left house year want kill feel like go,starry night,9,82,starry night emptypost left house year want kill feel like go
anyone else feel like the concept of life is such a cruel thing,"we are literally born for no reason, no one asked to be here and we’re all going to eventually die anyways. yet we have to study, work and make a living for the bare minimum. literally everything is meaningless. how the fuck did everything even start? why is life so unusual and complex. i feel like an alien.",1sadbish,30,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd39qh/anyone_else_feel_like_the_concept_of_life_is_such/,literally born reason one asked going eventually die anyways yet study work make living bare minimum literally everything meaningless fuck everything even start life unusual complex feel like alien,anyone else feel like concept life cruel thing,1 sad b ish,309,63,1 sad b ish literally born reason one asked going eventually die anyways yet study work make living bare minimum literally everything meaningless fuck everything even start life unusual complex feel like alien anyone else feel like concept life cruel thing
My life is going downhill and i can’t do it anymore,"I feel like absolute shit, i’ve been very depressed and suicidal lately and now my boyfriend broke up with me too and i get it because of his mental health and mine but it hurts so much, we still love eachother but i am scared i will lose him, i always knew i would kill myself if he broke up with me (i know i am a dumbass) and now everything else is going downhill too, i can’t do this anymore but i am too much of a coward to do it. I’ve been crying nonstop since he broke up and i can’t eat anything because o hate my body and i’ve been so nauseous since he broke up. Everything reminds me of him and it hurts so much. It’s not only about him tho, everything sucks, i can’t get a job and i am a disappointment to everyone in my life. I really can’t do it anymore. I don’t even have my meda anymore even though i doubt they would help. I am really thinking about overdosing again but idk if it would work because the other times i tried it didn’t work either. I just hate my life so much and no it doesn’t t better eventually, i’ve been telling myself that forever but whenever it gets a bit better, it gets a lot worse immediately after. I just can’t do it anymore

Edit: this is a throwaway account so the people i know on here don’t know it’s me

Edit 2: i just realised my life literally has no meaning anymore, i have no goals, i am unhappy, i have nothing i enjoy and i just wanna die, i am literally just staying alive for other people",suicidalthrowaway03,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdb40g/my_life_is_going_downhill_and_i_cant_do_it_anymore/,feel like absolute shit depressed suicidal lately boyfriend broke get mental health mine hurt much still love eachother scared lose always knew would kill broke know dumbass everything else going downhill anymore much coward cry nonstop since broke eat anything hate body nauseous since broke everything reminds hurt much tho everything suck get job disappointment everyone life really anymore even meda anymore even though doubt would help really thinking overdosing idk would work time tried work either hate life much better eventually telling forever whenever get bit better get lot worse immediately anymore edit throwaway account people know know edit 2 realised life literally ha meaning anymore goal unhappy nothing enjoy wanna die literally staying alive people,life going downhill anymore,suicidal throwaway 03,1445,51,suicidal throwaway 03 feel like absolute shit depressed suicidal lately boyfriend broke get mental health mine hurt much still love eachother scared lose always knew would kill broke know dumbass everything else going downhill anymore much coward cry nonstop since broke eat anything hate body nauseous since broke everything reminds hurt much tho everything suck get job disappointment everyone life really anymore even meda anymore even though doubt would help really thinking overdosing idk would work time tried work either hate life much better eventually telling forever whenever get bit better get lot worse immediately anymore edit throwaway account people know know edit 2 realised life literally ha meaning anymore goal unhappy nothing enjoy wanna die literally staying alive people life going downhill anymore
Life is literally getting darker every day,"I dont know if this is the right sub, I just need a place to vent right now.

So, I dont know where to start. I have been depressed for over 6 years now, but always managed to see the good things in life. But for the last 2 months it got worse. I randomly have the urge to just cry all day long. I've just been holding it back, which probably isn't such a good idea. Also, I still live with my mom, and every time I get home, she just yells at me. In the last 3 weeks I got really tired. As soon as I get home I just lay down in bed and try to relax, and even my vision is getting darker I think. I dont know what's going on with me and i dont think I can keep going much longer.",jackdaniel1308,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddkuz/life_is_literally_getting_darker_every_day/,dont know right sub need place vent right dont know start depressed 6 year always managed see good thing life last 2 month got worse randomly urge cry day long holding back probably good idea also still live mom every time get home yell last 3 week got really tired soon get home lay bed try relax even vision getting darker think dont know going dont think keep going much longer,life literally getting darker every day,jack daniel 1308,679,42,jack daniel 1308 dont know right sub need place vent right dont know start depressed 6 year always managed see good thing life last 2 month got worse randomly urge cry day long holding back probably good idea also still live mom every time get home yell last 3 week got really tired soon get home lay bed try relax even vision getting darker think dont know going dont think keep going much longer life literally getting darker every day
How to kill myself,"I'm looking for an easy way out. I'm a coward, i know. I can't take any more hearthache though. I need a quick way to kill myself. Would 750/800 mg of Doxylamine Succinate do the trick? If not is there some concoction of otc pills i can take? Please help, I'm desperate.",itsemmuhhh,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfytq/how_to_kill_myself/,looking easy way coward know take hearthache though need quick way kill would 750 800 mg doxylamine succinate trick concoction otc pill take please help desperate,kill,em muh hh,270,18,em muh hh looking easy way coward know take hearthache though need quick way kill would 750 800 mg doxylamine succinate trick concoction otc pill take please help desperate kill
I can't anymore.... life is so unfair to me,"Everything i did to get out of depression and being suicidal backfired.... here's everything i tried.

1: i have tried being useful,i got a job, as a car mechanic, just to help people, but i somehow broke my arm... i quit that job... and didn't get accepted to any other jobs

2: i tried to find love, it was not really succesful.... i do get contacted by people, but its never to hear how im doing, or anything alse, i always get contacted by people when they need help, making me feel used... that stopped though, all becouse of: 

3:i tried making myself happy by making others happy,and it worked! For two weeks. becouse surprise! I got used again, i talked to people that i tought of as my friends, but it all backfired, fell in on itsef, and made me look like an asshoe who tries to make everyone fight. They all left me, used and alone... i'll be staying for a week, after that, goodbye...",SpaiMain420,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdjds3/i_cant_anymore_life_is_so_unfair_to_me/,everything get depression suicidal backfired everything tried 1 tried useful got job car mechanic help people somehow broke arm quit job get accepted job 2 tried find love wa really succesful get contacted people never hear im anything alse always get contacted people need help making feel used stopped though becouse 3 tried making happy making others happy worked two week becouse surprise got used talked people tought friend backfired fell itsef made look like asshoe try make everyone fight left used alone staying week goodbye,anymore life unfair,spa main 420,896,43,spa main 420 everything get depression suicidal backfired everything tried 1 tried useful got job car mechanic help people somehow broke arm quit job get accepted job 2 tried find love wa really succesful get contacted people never hear im anything alse always get contacted people need help making feel used stopped though becouse 3 tried making happy making others happy worked two week becouse surprise got used talked people tought friend backfired fell itsef made look like asshoe try make everyone fight left used alone staying week goodbye anymore life unfair
The only reason I haven’t ended my life just yet is I want to play at least a month of animal crossing new horizons,emptypost,ovrprotectiveunicorn,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8cl4/the_only_reason_i_havent_ended_my_life_just_yet/,emptypost,reason ended life yet want play least month animal crossing new horizon,ov r protective unicorn,9,115,ov r protective unicorn emptypost reason ended life yet want play least month animal crossing new horizon
I feel suicidal because I have a low IQ which means that I can't pursue the career I want and means the other areas of my life are affected.,"I took an IQ test on queendom and got a score of 112. That puts me at or near one standard deviation below the engineering fields. The science fields are probably close to that as well. I feel like this is a result of my genetics, my economic background, and my lack of learning things throughout life. This IQ would qualify me to go into Accounting, IT, or the trades but I don't want to be sitting at a desk all day or getting dirty. I want an occupation that allows me to have a mixture of being outdoors and being at a desk or lab.",LoveNatureFrogsWater,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdofwq/i_feel_suicidal_because_i_have_a_low_iq_which/,took iq test queendom got score 112 put near one standard deviation engineering field science field probably close well feel like result genetics economic background lack learning thing throughout life iq would qualify go accounting trade want sitting desk day getting dirty want occupation allows mixture outdoors desk lab,feel suicidal low iq mean pursue career want mean area life affected,love nature frog water,535,140,love nature frog water took iq test queendom got score 112 put near one standard deviation engineering field science field probably close well feel like result genetics economic background lack learning thing throughout life iq would qualify go accounting trade want sitting desk day getting dirty want occupation allows mixture outdoors desk lab feel suicidal low iq mean pursue career want mean area life affected
I don't want to live anymore.,That's just it. I don't want to live my life anymore. The only stopping me is my family. I have really have nothing to live for. My life is a total and complete shit show.,Sg00z,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdobif/i_dont_want_to_live_anymore/,want live life anymore stopping family really nothing live life total complete shit show,want live anymore,sg 00 z,171,29,sg 00 z want live life anymore stopping family really nothing live life total complete shit show want live anymore
I failed. What now?,I tried to kill myself via partial suspension hanging and all I got was a headache. What now?,gutsthrowaway,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdob4k/i_failed_what_now/,tried kill via partial suspension hanging got wa headache,failed,gut throwaway,93,19,gut throwaway tried kill via partial suspension hanging got wa headache failed
Nobody is listening,"I feel like I’m screaming for help and nobody fucking hears me 

Nobody notices, nobody sees

I’m incredibly alone

Dying just sounds *right*",puriuh,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdoabu/nobody_is_listening/,feel like screaming help nobody fucking hears nobody notice nobody see incredibly alone dying sound right,nobody listening,pur uh,141,19,pur uh feel like screaming help nobody fucking hears nobody notice nobody see incredibly alone dying sound right nobody listening
I'm not sure were else to turn,"I have nothing but negative thoughts all the time, I can remember when it started but it has gotten so bad I tend to cry myself to sleep if I even can sleep. I don't know who to talk to and don't really have anyone to talk to so I just want to dump everything here and maybe get some guidance before I do something to make the pain go away. I never see my parents due to my mom and step dad being too busy with work and running a business and my dad is probably somewhere rotting in Arizona. My sister is deployed in the navy and the other ran away a few years ago and haven't heard from her, and my older brother is a drug addict that cut ties with us a long time ago. 

I don't want to message a suicide hotline out of fear they will send an ambulance or force me into a hospital forcing bills on me that I can not afford, and I have no one close to talk to about it. My situation is, growing up my parents both lived in different bad areas with little money. I was never smart or talented at anything besides having an over active imagination. I always had a learning issue both with paying attention and remembering information regardless of how hard I tried. Didn't have a lot of friends and ended up dropping out of high school. About 3 years ago I went back and got my Adult Diploma with the hopes it would be enough to get me on my feet. I'm now almost 26 and just a few months ago after I saw someone about my mental health I found out I have ADD. So some things where answered there, but it didn't help much. 

The small amount of friends that I have, have become aware of my increasing depressed emotions and have tried to help but for the most part, they seem to pay no mind to it. I've working dead end jobs for most of my adult life until recently when I took a boot camp course in the Information Technology field. I then interned for 5 weeks and after got a position working for a small company as an IT help desk technician under a 3 month to perm contract. Or that's what they told me during the interview. I never did anything IT related and the contract was constantly extend by 3 months until my 9th month there. In that time, I've worked for some bad companies, but I have never worked somewhere that treated there (specifically the US employees) so poorly. They then after promising to increase my pay hired me on full time as salary, and cut my pay thinking I wouldn't notice. I then secretly started looking for new positions starting last July until November of last year when I was tired of they way they have treated me for over a year and without thinking, just left, even though I have monthly bills. 

On top of the learning problems, I also have extreme anger problems and am very VERY impatient. As far as work goes, I have applied to countless IT positions since last July, with professional help updating resumes and cover letters, and re learning (trying to) as much IT knowledge as I can after using pretty much none of it at my last job and forgetting almost all of it, but I've gotten nothing. I have had 2 companies interview me and reject me after the 2nd or 3rd interview, and all of the other countless companies I've applied to have either flat out rejected me or have not said anything. I have next to nothing left with money and if I don't find something soon, I will lose everything and I can only imagine how bad my credit will be and the law suits to follow. Other than job things, I have never been in a real relationship, I never see my family even though I literally live with my mom and step dad, I almost never see my friends, I have an extreme hate for people I'm assuming due to everything I've had to go through over the years, and every day I spend hours trying to teach myself new things and applying for any position available that could possible help me with my situation, but since the last interview rejection and the constant no reply and email rejections, I can't anymore. 

I've tried so hard to make things better for myself, seeking medical help, close support from family and friends, and will power, but it's always one step forward and then being launched back. I'm tired of starting over, I'm tired of only knowing rejection and being ignored not just from jobs but from everything. I have become so angry and hate filled that I can't see happiness in anything. I used to love movies and video games and can't find joy in those. The only piece of escape I have day to day is music, because it almost thinks for me. I'm listening to it but I feel like it's also listening to me, feeling my constant pain and emotional wreck. Everyone says it will get better, but I've been at this for so long and it only keeps getting worse. I have put the effort in but it's like some deity is purposefully trying to prevent me from being happy or making myself successful, and over the past few weeks, I can't stop thinking of killing myself. Making this awful pain go away and not feeling anything anymore. The only thing that holds me back is the thought of what comes after. Possible non existence which I can't even comprehend. Just not knowing is the only thing holding me back, but even that fear is starting to go away and taking an early exit seems more and more like the best option.

I apologize for the extremely long post, maybe just a way to leave a small mark on existence to make myself feel a little better. I don't seem myself feeling any better even if my hard work eventually gets me anywhere, a family, a job that actually pays enough for me to live on my own, not constantly worrying if I have enough for food and water or if I have to cut that out to make my payments. It's hard to feel happy or accomplished when all you know is failure and loss. There is more but I feel like I've said enough if anyone even reads this. I've re read this and gone over it a few times and I just keep feeling worse and adding more to it. Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this",CabooseHatesYou,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdj3r3/im_not_sure_were_else_to_turn/,nothing negative thought time remember started ha gotten bad tend cry sleep even sleep know talk really anyone talk want dump everything maybe get guidance something make pain go away never see parent due mom step dad busy work running business dad probably somewhere rotting arizona sister deployed navy ran away year ago heard older brother drug addict cut tie u long time ago want message suicide hotline fear send ambulance force hospital forcing bill afford one close talk situation growing parent lived different bad area little money wa never smart talented anything besides active imagination always learning issue paying attention remembering information regardless hard tried lot friend ended dropping high school 3 year ago went back got adult diploma hope would enough get foot almost 26 month ago saw someone mental health found add thing answered help much small amount friend become aware increasing depressed emotion tried help part seem pay mind working dead end job adult life recently took boot camp course information technology field interned 5 week got position working small company help desk technician 3 month perm contract told interview never anything related contract wa constantly extend 3 month 9th month time worked bad company never worked somewhere treated specifically u employee poorly promising increase pay hired full time salary cut pay thinking notice secretly started looking new position starting last july november last year wa tired way treated year without thinking left even though monthly bill top learning problem also extreme anger problem impatient far work go applied countless position since last july professional help updating resume cover letter learning trying much knowledge using pretty much none last job forgetting almost gotten nothing 2 company interview reject 2nd 3rd interview countless company applied either flat rejected said anything next nothing left money find something soon lose everything imagine bad credit law suit follow job thing never real relationship never see family even though literally live mom step dad almost never see friend extreme hate people assuming due everything go year every day spend hour trying teach new thing applying position available could possible help situation since last interview rejection constant reply email rejection anymore tried hard make thing better seeking medical help close support family friend power always one step forward launched back tired starting tired knowing rejection ignored job everything become angry hate filled see happiness anything used love movie video game find joy piece escape day day music almost think listening feel like also listening feeling constant pain emotional wreck everyone say get better long keep getting worse put effort like deity purposefully trying prevent happy making successful past week stop thinking killing making awful pain go away feeling anything anymore thing hold back thought come possible non existence even comprehend knowing thing holding back even fear starting go away taking early exit seems like best option apologize extremely long post maybe way leave small mark existence make feel little better seem feeling better even hard work eventually get anywhere family job actually pay enough live constantly worrying enough food water cut make payment hard feel happy accomplished know failure loss feel like said enough anyone even read read gone time keep feeling worse adding thank whoever take time read,sure else turn,caboose hate,5949,30,caboose hate nothing negative thought time remember started ha gotten bad tend cry sleep even sleep know talk really anyone talk want dump everything maybe get guidance something make pain go away never see parent due mom step dad busy work running business dad probably somewhere rotting arizona sister deployed navy ran away year ago heard older brother drug addict cut tie u long time ago want message suicide hotline fear send ambulance force hospital forcing bill afford one close talk situation growing parent lived different bad area little money wa never smart talented anything besides active imagination always learning issue paying attention remembering information regardless hard tried lot friend ended dropping high school 3 year ago went back got adult diploma hope would enough get foot almost 26 month ago saw someone mental health found add thing answered help much small amount friend become aware increasing depressed emotion tried help part seem pay mind working dead end job adult life recently took boot camp course information technology field interned 5 week got position working small company help desk technician 3 month perm contract told interview never anything related contract wa constantly extend 3 month 9th month time worked bad company never worked somewhere treated specifically u employee poorly promising increase pay hired full time salary cut pay thinking notice secretly started looking new position starting last july november last year wa tired way treated year without thinking left even though monthly bill top learning problem also extreme anger problem impatient far work go applied countless position since last july professional help updating resume cover letter learning trying much knowledge using pretty much none last job forgetting almost gotten nothing 2 company interview reject 2nd 3rd interview countless company applied either flat rejected said anything next nothing left money find something soon lose everything imagine bad credit law suit follow job thing never real relationship never see family even though literally live mom step dad almost never see friend extreme hate people assuming due everything go year every day spend hour trying teach new thing applying position available could possible help situation since last interview rejection constant reply email rejection anymore tried hard make thing better seeking medical help close support family friend power always one step forward launched back tired starting tired knowing rejection ignored job everything become angry hate filled see happiness anything used love movie video game find joy piece escape day day music almost think listening feel like also listening feeling constant pain emotional wreck everyone say get better long keep getting worse put effort like deity purposefully trying prevent happy making successful past week stop thinking killing making awful pain go away feeling anything anymore thing hold back thought come possible non existence even comprehend knowing thing holding back even fear starting go away taking early exit seems like best option apologize extremely long post maybe way leave small mark existence make feel little better seem feeling better even hard work eventually get anywhere family job actually pay enough live constantly worrying enough food water cut make payment hard feel happy accomplished know failure loss feel like said enough anyone even read read gone time keep feeling worse adding thank whoever take time read sure else turn
I'm not worth shit,"All I need to do is buy some razors, go home, lock myself in the bathroom and get to work. I've gotten to the point where my meds dont work and I don't give a shit about anything. I haven't been going to my college classes, I've been overeating out of stress, I haven't contacted my girlfriend much, and I feel like killing myself is all I'm really good for. If I drop out or get kicked out, my family will force me to get a job. I've worked before and had a panic attack at least every day. Instead of going to class I've been drinking and smoking to help deal with the emptiness. I genuinely don't think I'm worth shit. I'm not gonna be able to provide for my girlfriend or make my family happy. Why not kill myself? It would solve all my problems.",toxic_lobotomy,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdkxy1/im_not_worth_shit/,need buy razor go home lock bathroom get work gotten point med dont work give shit anything going college class overeating stress contacted girlfriend much feel like killing really good drop get kicked family force get job worked panic attack least every day instead going class drinking smoking help deal emptiness genuinely think worth shit gonna able provide girlfriend make family happy kill would solve problem,worth shit,toxic lobotomy,750,18,toxic lobotomy need buy razor go home lock bathroom get work gotten point med dont work give shit anything going college class overeating stress contacted girlfriend much feel like killing really good drop get kicked family force get job worked panic attack least every day instead going class drinking smoking help deal emptiness genuinely think worth shit gonna able provide girlfriend make family happy kill would solve problem worth shit
Not really sure what my deal is.,"I don't think I'm depressed. Not really sure how it works, but I'm kind of done If that makes any sense. 

This past semester of school has just been, weird, any time I get an assignment I feel overwhelmed, even though it's no different from any previous semester. I failed my first math test, I haven't started my senior project, behind in everything else. I want to get caught up, but I just have no desire to do anything. I live at home (community college) and have a life I'm sure many others would kill for, but still. 

As cringe as it sounds, I've been pointing our .357 at my skull and dry firing it. I hate the idea of my family and friends having to deal with the fallout, but I really can't see a future for myself. 

I'm not going to do anything but I thought I post because why not.",-J-J-J-,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdkpif/not_really_sure_what_my_deal_is/,think depressed really sure work kind done make sense past semester school ha weird time get assignment feel overwhelmed even though different previous semester failed first math test started senior project behind everything else want get caught desire anything live home community college life sure many others would kill still cringe sound pointing 357 skull dry firing hate idea family friend deal fallout really see future going anything thought post,really sure deal,j j j,795,32,j j j think depressed really sure work kind done make sense past semester school ha weird time get assignment feel overwhelmed even though different previous semester failed first math test started senior project behind everything else want get caught desire anything live home community college life sure many others would kill still cringe sound pointing 357 skull dry firing hate idea family friend deal fallout really see future going anything thought post really sure deal
Reason why im suicidal,"I'm suicidal because, of, 


I failed graduating many times, school. 

How my dad treats me, bullying me. 

How I make myself feel awful by judging myself all the time, me. 

I'm unmotivated in school, I dread school, I hate school.

I'm a highly sensitive person, hsp. I'm a procrastinator. 

Suicide has become a normal thing for me. Even in better days, I think about suicide, ways to die. 

I just wanna give up on life, on school and die. 

.

I probably have more reasons but this is it",BeautifulOutside4,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdko2o/reason_why_im_suicidal/,suicidal failed graduating many time school dad treat bullying make feel awful judging time unmotivated school dread school hate school highly sensitive person hsp procrastinator suicide ha become normal thing even better day think suicide way die wanna give life school die probably reason,reason im suicidal,beautiful outside 4,492,22,beautiful outside 4 suicidal failed graduating many time school dad treat bullying make feel awful judging time unmotivated school dread school hate school highly sensitive person hsp procrastinator suicide ha become normal thing even better day think suicide way die wanna give life school die probably reason reason im suicidal
"my deathday, finally","i’m doing it. tonight. i’m so done. i’ve been wanting to be gone for a long time, but i never dared to take it to the very end. being alive just doesn’t sound appealing to me.

please, stay healthy, all of you. that’s all i am asking for. maybe i’ll see you guys later, on Heaven <3~
l",deathangel1004,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdkmtg/my_deathday_finally/,tonight done wanting gone long time never dared take end alive sound appealing please stay healthy asking maybe see guy later heaven lt 3 l,deathday finally,death angel 1004,288,20,death angel 1004 tonight done wanting gone long time never dared take end alive sound appealing please stay healthy asking maybe see guy later heaven lt 3 l deathday finally
I set a date,"30 days. 


In 30 days, I will know if I failed a class for the 4th time, I'll know if the only thing I've been looking forward to the past year can actually make me happy, and I'll get paid, so I will be able to afford a gun. I'll clean my room, pay my Bill's, and maybe write some notes. I've never felt so prepared for the future.",UselessSound,12,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdds72/i_set_a_date/,30 day 30 day know failed class 4th time know thing looking forward past year actually make happy get paid able afford gun clean room pay bill maybe write note never felt prepared future,set date,useless sound,333,12,useless sound 30 day 30 day know failed class 4th time know thing looking forward past year actually make happy get paid able afford gun clean room pay bill maybe write note never felt prepared future set date
I want to shove a box of rusty nails down the throat of my childhood self,"To my childhood self,

Fuck you for being an effeminate little boy that made you such an easy target. You could have interesting in ANY FUCKING WAY yet you had to be just a fucking vanilla ass piece of shit in the corner for people to show and shoot shit at. You thought it would make you into a stronger, more interesting person, but it just made you more quiet, more boring and easier to ignore.

Fuck you for remembering the physical and emotional abuse your dad did to you and your family.

Fuck you for letting your mom run her little experiments on your body like some sort of lab rat.

Fuck you for speaking out about your suffering when you did. Going to the adults really improved your life and didn't just make your abusers hate you more while they got off with slaps on the wrist, huh?

Fuck you for remembering your childhood, especially only the bad parts. I'm 25 now and am just now experiencing these again, and you have no idea what sort of hell I'm in getting these vague memories again and again. This is YOUR FAULT!

I want you dead like how I want me dead. I want you to suffer way more than you ever had before just so you won't survive and I don't have to experience it anymore. I don't hold a fraction of this malice and those horrible wishes to anyone but you, but you're the only person in this world that deserves to suffer until you're ash. Kill yourself so you can kill me, too.",khxlthrowaway,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdkm18/i_want_to_shove_a_box_of_rusty_nails_down_the/,childhood self fuck effeminate little boy made easy target could interesting fucking way yet fucking vanilla piece shit corner people show shoot shit thought would make stronger interesting person made quiet boring easier ignore fuck remembering physical emotional abuse dad family fuck letting mom run little experiment body like sort lab rat fuck speaking suffering going adult really improved life make abuser hate got slap wrist huh fuck remembering childhood especially bad part 25 experiencing idea sort hell getting vague memory fault want dead like want dead want suffer way ever survive experience anymore hold fraction malice horrible wish anyone person world deserves suffer ash kill kill,want shove box rusty nail throat childhood self,kh xl throwaway,1406,73,kh xl throwaway childhood self fuck effeminate little boy made easy target could interesting fucking way yet fucking vanilla piece shit corner people show shoot shit thought would make stronger interesting person made quiet boring easier ignore fuck remembering physical emotional abuse dad family fuck letting mom run little experiment body like sort lab rat fuck speaking suffering going adult really improved life make abuser hate got slap wrist huh fuck remembering childhood especially bad part 25 experiencing idea sort hell getting vague memory fault want dead like want dead want suffer way ever survive experience anymore hold fraction malice horrible wish anyone person world deserves suffer ash kill kill want shove box rusty nail throat childhood self
The future cause of death (In 22st century) = SUICIDE ???,I assume that death by virus or something else would be less than suicidal.,lesconqueror,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdcpt2/the_future_cause_of_death_in_22st_century_suicide/,assume death virus something else would le suicidal,future cause death 22st century suicide,le conqueror,75,57,le conqueror assume death virus something else would le suicidal future cause death 22st century suicide
"I'm sitting here with the means to end it. I'm homeless, with no real friends, and what's the reason to keep going?","Please.  Stop me.  Give me a good reason I shouldn't just end it.  I'm homeless, living in a shelter right now.  I have no friends.  People I talk to, I talk to because they talk to me.  I'm so tired of this.  But I'm also terrified.  Someone, anyone, help.",1lbOfViettiBeefStew,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddyye/im_sitting_here_with_the_means_to_end_it_im/,please stop give good reason end homeless living shelter right friend people talk talk talk tired also terrified someone anyone help,sitting mean end homeless real friend reason keep going,1 lb viet ti beef stew,257,115,1 lb viet ti beef stew please stop give good reason end homeless living shelter right friend people talk talk talk tired also terrified someone anyone help sitting mean end homeless real friend reason keep going
So sad,"Hahaha😢 So sad that even when I'm not suicidal I know that it's a must to for me to die because I don't see myself getting back up.

Wow my life is over at just 22.I wish a disease snatches me away before I do something that I might regret",Tekozwide,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdk5a0/so_sad/,hahaha sad even suicidal know must die see getting back wow life 22 wish disease snatch away something might regret,sad,tek oz wide,239,6,tek oz wide hahaha sad even suicidal know must die see getting back wow life 22 wish disease snatch away something might regret sad
"I'm 15 and depressed, how should i tell my mom?","I've been like that, having suicidal thoughts, since i was 13. I have exams in about 2 months, which right now is the main couse of my stress. My parents are also about to divorce in propably a year (knowing how long this sort of stuff takes). I live with my mom, who is alwayes really stressed about and in a hurry. Recently i have also been having a heart ache, which the doctor said is caused by stress and uneasiness. 
My mom knows there's something wrong with me and suggested a therapist to help me deal with my stress, but i dont think she really understands why im acting this way.
My original plan was to give myself a week and then kill myself if nothing changes. Well it's already wednesday. I still fell the same as before, but maybe i should tell somebody?
I don't really have any friends i could trust so i'm thinking of telling my mum. She already has a lot of problems though. I've already tried telling her once (i just said that i'm depressed, not that i want to commit suicide), when i was 14 and she just said that everybody feels like that sometimes and forgot about it the next day.
How can i tell her so that she understands?",smalusz,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdeit8/im_15_and_depressed_how_should_i_tell_my_mom/,like suicidal thought since wa 13 exam 2 month right main couse stress parent also divorce propably year knowing long sort stuff take live mom alwayes really stressed hurry recently also heart ache doctor said caused stress uneasiness mom know something wrong suggested therapist help deal stress dont think really understands im acting way original plan wa give week kill nothing change well already wednesday still fell maybe tell somebody really friend could trust thinking telling mum already ha lot problem though already tried telling said depressed want commit suicide wa 14 said everybody feel like sometimes forgot next day tell understands,15 depressed tell mom,malus z,1148,47,malus z like suicidal thought since wa 13 exam 2 month right main couse stress parent also divorce propably year knowing long sort stuff take live mom alwayes really stressed hurry recently also heart ache doctor said caused stress uneasiness mom know something wrong suggested therapist help deal stress dont think really understands im acting way original plan wa give week kill nothing change well already wednesday still fell maybe tell somebody really friend could trust thinking telling mum already ha lot problem though already tried telling said depressed want commit suicide wa 14 said everybody feel like sometimes forgot next day tell understands 15 depressed tell mom
I disappoint everyone,"It’s like the title says. I disappoint everyone, myself included. I can’t go to school because of my mental health and my parents are pissed, as well as my teachers. I fail all of my classes and have no extracurriculars. I’m untalented and do nothing but stay at home all day. 
I’m going to end up dead or in prison, whichever comes first. Why shouldn’t I do the world a favor?",gutsthrowaway,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdefmi/i_disappoint_everyone/,like title say disappoint everyone included go school mental health parent pissed well teacher fail class extracurriculars untalented nothing stay home day going end dead prison whichever come first world favor,disappoint everyone,gut throwaway,377,21,gut throwaway like title say disappoint everyone included go school mental health parent pissed well teacher fail class extracurriculars untalented nothing stay home day going end dead prison whichever come first world favor disappoint everyone
What do you do during a PTSD attack?,emptypost,geyehehrhrhegsgwwgw,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdn6cb/what_do_you_do_during_a_ptsd_attack/,emptypost,ptsd attack,g eye hrh r gsg ww gw,9,36,g eye hrh r gsg ww gw emptypost ptsd attack
I didn’t kill myself,I didn’t kill myself cause i’m a fucking pussy. I was too afraid I’ll survive and have some serious medical issues. Idk what took over me. I was kinda in a transe and I’m honestly glad I didn’t do it.,MichiDraws,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdjv5y/i_didnt_kill_myself/,kill cause fucking pussy wa afraid survive serious medical issue idk took wa kinda transe honestly glad,kill,ichi draw,200,20,ichi draw kill cause fucking pussy wa afraid survive serious medical issue idk took wa kinda transe honestly glad kill
Personal count down to my suicide. My plan.,"I am a caucasian male , age 30. I wont get into complete vivid details of the numerous conditions i have ( childhood exc ) , this started happening when i was around 27. An ex and i whom spent well over 10 years together had broken up due to her unfaithfulness exc. Something happened and although i have spoken to many people and therapists. I feel like the real me is dead. And i am a walking multiple personality basket case , im always being someone im not , no freinds , all that which i had motivation for and excitement for is nothing. I am an empty shell. We got back together and she informed me that she was pregnant by a fling , which was planned , please note that we tried for kids for 6 years prior and she was found out to be infertile unless on fertility meds , long story short she aborted that child and got pregnant with me. Given that the situation prior was hard enough , the trauma and pure gut wrenching pain of questioning the pregnancy as well as my family questioning took its tole , work deterriorated and personal happyness was destroyed.

I dont know why , but i feel that its the logical thing to do. Given my situations. Im always being someone im not , multiple people. I make rash decisions that have and ruined my life. I have always wanted to be a police officer and thats thrown out due to tatoo policys , people have always avoided me because im either creepy or just weird. My family has abandonned me legit. I just work and sit in a basement. My suicide will commence in july 15th 2020. I plan to make it as suddle as possible , maybe an accident. I dont consider it suicide because you have to be someone , an individual to kill that thing. I consider this a multiple account deletion.",Rich-Praline,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhrqb/personal_count_down_to_my_suicide_my_plan/,caucasian male age 30 wont get complete vivid detail numerous condition childhood exc started happening wa around 27 ex spent well 10 year together broken due unfaithfulness exc something happened although spoken many people therapist feel like real dead walking multiple personality basket case im always someone im freinds motivation excitement nothing empty shell got back together informed wa pregnant fling wa planned please note tried kid 6 year prior wa found infertile unless fertility med long story short aborted child got pregnant given situation prior wa hard enough trauma pure gut wrenching pain questioning pregnancy well family questioning took tole work deterriorated personal happyness wa destroyed dont know feel logical thing given situation im always someone im multiple people make rash decision ruined life always wanted police officer thats thrown due tatoo policy people always avoided im either creepy weird family ha abandonned legit work sit basement suicide commence july 15th 2020 plan make suddle possible maybe accident dont consider suicide someone individual kill thing consider multiple account deletion,personal count suicide plan,rich praline,1725,43,rich praline caucasian male age 30 wont get complete vivid detail numerous condition childhood exc started happening wa around 27 ex spent well 10 year together broken due unfaithfulness exc something happened although spoken many people therapist feel like real dead walking multiple personality basket case im always someone im freinds motivation excitement nothing empty shell got back together informed wa pregnant fling wa planned please note tried kid 6 year prior wa found infertile unless fertility med long story short aborted child got pregnant given situation prior wa hard enough trauma pure gut wrenching pain questioning pregnancy well family questioning took tole work deterriorated personal happyness wa destroyed dont know feel logical thing given situation im always someone im multiple people make rash decision ruined life always wanted police officer thats thrown due tatoo policy people always avoided im either creepy weird family ha abandonned legit work sit basement suicide commence july 15th 2020 plan make suddle possible maybe accident dont consider suicide someone individual kill thing consider multiple account deletion personal count suicide plan
I cba,"I literally cba to do anything anymore. It's a constant pain in my chest and I really really wish the attempted OD would've worked but I was too fucking into crying to go find more pills it should've been enough. I really really want someone to genuinely care about how I feel. For them to ask hey hru unprovoked no one does that then everyone says when someone kills themselves 'hey I didn't know they were feeling like that' I wrote a note and I just want to do it but I can't but I want and I will. That's the only thing I'm motivated to do. Force myself to commit suicide. Literary nothing helps and I'm sick of trying and I understand others are in this situation but I can't really take this cause I'm too weak for it.

Note: this is my suicide note, I don't know why I wrote it on Reddit I hope I come back one day and I'm able to say I didn't Kms but it doesn't seem likely right now I'm in a split of emotion.

Edit: goodbye",therealvxny,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdjslf/i_cba/,literally cba anything anymore constant pain chest really really wish attempted od would worked wa fucking cry go find pill enough really really want someone genuinely care feel ask hey hru unprovoked one doe everyone say someone kill hey know feeling like wrote note want want thing motivated force commit suicide literary nothing help sick trying understand others situation really take cause weak note suicide note know wrote reddit hope come back one day able say km seem likely right split emotion edit goodbye,cba,real v x ny,933,5,real v x ny literally cba anything anymore constant pain chest really really wish attempted od would worked wa fucking cry go find pill enough really really want someone genuinely care feel ask hey hru unprovoked one doe everyone say someone kill hey know feeling like wrote note want want thing motivated force commit suicide literary nothing help sick trying understand others situation really take cause weak note suicide note know wrote reddit hope come back one day able say km seem likely right split emotion edit goodbye cba
I'm sick of climbing in fucking life,"You claw your way up and then life throws you back down. And even if it's because of the stupidity, ignorance, or complete inconsiderance of another human, it's just NOT acceptable to exact your own justice upon them. You're just fucking expected to keep your head fucking down and keep pushing fucking anyways. Even if you keep getting kicked whole your down. Nope, not allowed to make others pay, you're just supposed to up and move on from it. It's fucked. It's completely fucked. 

At this point I just want to get ahead and I'm starting to think the best way to do that is to step all over people and completely exploit them for my own benefit. I don't have a reason to give a fuck about them anymore. It's all bullshit anyways though. I'm just done with this life. I'm sick of fucking getting up and moving. I'm sick of hearing other humans speak. I fucking hate every goddamn person on the planet. They are all shit.",MrMoonlight4,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdf5vq/im_sick_of_climbing_in_fucking_life/,claw way life throw back even stupidity ignorance complete inconsiderance another human acceptable exact justice upon fucking expected keep head fucking keep pushing fucking anyways even keep getting kicked whole nope allowed make others pay supposed move fucked completely fucked point want get ahead starting think best way step people completely exploit benefit reason give fuck anymore bullshit anyways though done life sick fucking getting moving sick hearing human speak fucking hate every goddamn person planet shit,sick climbing fucking life,mr moonlight 4,923,36,mr moonlight 4 claw way life throw back even stupidity ignorance complete inconsiderance another human acceptable exact justice upon fucking expected keep head fucking keep pushing fucking anyways even keep getting kicked whole nope allowed make others pay supposed move fucked completely fucked point want get ahead starting think best way step people completely exploit benefit reason give fuck anymore bullshit anyways though done life sick fucking getting moving sick hearing human speak fucking hate every goddamn person planet shit sick climbing fucking life
I come from a long line of dead people.,"I know everyone technically does.

I’m trans, gay, a person of color, mentally ill, and I feel like I’m living on borrowed time. My body and head keeps fighting against me as things get externally better, comparatively. I’ve been having blood problems - or maybe just extra health anxiety, I genuinely do not know. Healthcare for trans people is shit. I haven’t had an official doctor, just rotating nurse practitioners from clinics.

When I came out to my grandparents, my grandma said it ran on my mom’s side of the family. Her words were that there “was another [transgender], but he’s dead now”. I don’t know who that is. But he’s dead. And I keep feeling called to be. I get why so many trans activists kill themselves. 

I want to make the world a better place. I do. But I don’t know if I’m cut out for it. I’m getting worse at taking care of myself and school? Don’t even get me started. I’ve been failing consistently since my last year of high school. I’m currently failing what’s supposed to be my second to last semester of college. Everyone thinks I’m lazy, but I can feel the physical block. My therapist says it’s almost definitely related to my cPTSD. But I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t know either.

Maybe I’m whining. I’m first-generation in my country. My mom moved here from a third world country with practically nothing. But I do feel like my body was not meant for this. If it’s because I’m weak, I’m not surprised. I know I’m shit deep down, on some level I keep finding and losing, and that’s why this is probably happening.",dpefi,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdn1rd/i_come_from_a_long_line_of_dead_people/,know everyone technically doe trans gay person color mentally ill feel like living borrowed time body head keep fighting thing get externally better comparatively blood problem maybe extra health anxiety genuinely know healthcare trans people shit official doctor rotating nurse practitioner clinic came grandparent grandma said ran mom side family word wa another transgender dead know dead keep feeling called get many trans activist kill want make world better place know cut getting worse taking care school even get started failing consistently since last year high school currently failing supposed second last semester college everyone think lazy feel physical block therapist say almost definitely related cptsd know know either maybe whining first generation country mom moved third world country practically nothing feel like body wa meant weak surprised know shit deep level keep finding losing probably happening,come long line dead people,pe fi,1555,39,pe fi know everyone technically doe trans gay person color mentally ill feel like living borrowed time body head keep fighting thing get externally better comparatively blood problem maybe extra health anxiety genuinely know healthcare trans people shit official doctor rotating nurse practitioner clinic came grandparent grandma said ran mom side family word wa another transgender dead know dead keep feeling called get many trans activist kill want make world better place know cut getting worse taking care school even get started failing consistently since last year high school currently failing supposed second last semester college everyone think lazy feel physical block therapist say almost definitely related cptsd know know either maybe whining first generation country mom moved third world country practically nothing feel like body wa meant weak surprised know shit deep level keep finding losing probably happening come long line dead people
Finally!!,I’ve got cure guys. I’m back after awhile. I’m finally freeee :D,creeper_awwwwwmann,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhp9r/finally/,got cure guy back awhile finally freeee,finally,creeper www ww mann,64,9,creeper www ww mann got cure guy back awhile finally freeee finally
I should kill myself,Look at people on fb being succesful. I went to class with these people. Im nothing,akkaalakka,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdjq35/i_should_kill_myself/,look people fb succesful went class people im nothing,kill,akka al akka,83,20,akka al akka look people fb succesful went class people im nothing kill
I just swallowed like 15 random pills i have.,"Hi everyone, i don't know where to start but i am 23 and i am on my 6th year in college majoring engineering physics. I don't even want to go there. Since i was a kid i am in obsessed with computers and art, but my parents think that they have no future prospect whatsoever. And now i'm 6 year deep in college and failing here and there. My parents are disappointed and angry at me.

Today i skipped an exam because i just can't drag myself to the campus just to at least show up. It felt so horrible and i can't stand it. So i took any meds i have and start swallowing them. All this time i've been cutting but all i can manage is just shallow cuts and then bleed for a few minutes, so today i want to try a new method. I don't know if 15 pills enough but that's all i have on me. I just hope if i don't woke up, my parents can read this, i love you guys, i'm sorry i'm such a disappointment and thanks for everything.",rezaarifandee,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdc6ga/i_just_swallowed_like_15_random_pills_i_have/,hi everyone know start 23 6th year college majoring engineering physic even want go since wa kid obsessed computer art parent think future prospect whatsoever 6 year deep college failing parent disappointed angry today skipped exam drag campus least show felt horrible stand took med start swallowing time cutting manage shallow cut bleed minute today want try new method know 15 pill enough hope woke parent read love guy sorry disappointment thanks everything,swallowed like 15 random pill,reza arif ee,919,45,reza arif ee hi everyone know start 23 6th year college majoring engineering physic even want go since wa kid obsessed computer art parent think future prospect whatsoever 6 year deep college failing parent disappointed angry today skipped exam drag campus least show felt horrible stand took med start swallowing time cutting manage shallow cut bleed minute today want try new method know 15 pill enough hope woke parent read love guy sorry disappointment thanks everything swallowed like 15 random pill
Living to someone else's expectations,"Pressured to succeed with school, jobs, life. 

Gets treated awfully at the same time.

No one to talk to.

My will to live is fading.

These days I've thought about what day I should kill myself on. 

Maybe on my birthday, may 21

I'm too weak to carry on 

I see no other option",_dojibe_kara,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fde5xj/living_to_someone_elses_expectations/,pressured succeed school job life get treated awfully time one talk live fading day thought day kill maybe birthday may 21 weak carry see option,living someone else expectation,jibe kara,280,37,jibe kara pressured succeed school job life get treated awfully time one talk live fading day thought day kill maybe birthday may 21 weak carry see option living someone else expectation
How do I kill myself?,emptypost,wpmatt44,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdjlem/how_do_i_kill_myself/,emptypost,kill,wp matt 44,9,21,wp matt 44 emptypost kill
My cat is the only reason I'm still here,"And she has cancer now. I've had her since I was 12. I'm almost 28 now. She's had one surgery and still needs another.

I just wanted to walk out and never come home, but I said goodbye to her and couldn't move or breathe or think of anything else but her.

I moved out when I was 16, and she was basically the only thing I had",cezzio,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdai61/my_cat_is_the_only_reason_im_still_here/,ha cancer since wa 12 almost 28 one surgery still need another wanted walk never come home said goodbye move breathe think anything else moved wa 16 wa basically thing,cat reason still,c ez zio,327,40,c ez zio ha cancer since wa 12 almost 28 one surgery still need another wanted walk never come home said goodbye move breathe think anything else moved wa 16 wa basically thing cat reason still
Please just read,"I have no one to talk to. I am 30 years old. I had a girlfrend. We were together for 8 years. We were talking about getting merried, move together. But last week she said she is leaving me. I am broken. Now I do not know how to move on. I realised that i do not have friends, have to live with my parents, have a job which I hate. Why should I live. When i wake up in the morning my first taught is to kill myself. I was thinkig abot killing myself before. But now i am serious about suicide. I will just go and buy a rope and hang myself. Who would miss me? Nobody. It would be better for everyone if i was death. I see a lot of people with perfect lives. Why i can not be like them. I do not know what to do.",89mercury89,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhjwt/please_just_read/,one talk 30 year old girlfrend together 8 year talking getting merried move together last week said leaving broken know move realised friend live parent job hate live wake morning first taught kill wa thinkig abot killing serious suicide go buy rope hang would miss nobody would better everyone wa death see lot people perfect life like know,please read,89 mercury 89,710,16,89 mercury 89 one talk 30 year old girlfrend together 8 year talking getting merried move together last week said leaving broken know move realised friend live parent job hate live wake morning first taught kill wa thinkig abot killing serious suicide go buy rope hang would miss nobody would better everyone wa death see lot people perfect life like know please read
i [17f] wish i starved to death a year ago,"a year ago i had really bad anorexia, i lost 50lbs in 2 months and i wish i never stopped. i hate myself so much. i just want to be perfect so bad but i feel like this is how ill live my life now. i just dont want my cats to suffer, its the only reason i do anything. i lost all my interests in everything but i hate doing nothing and i just want to go away. please let me go away.",cloudysadeyes,21,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdjg9o/i_17f_wish_i_starved_to_death_a_year_ago/,year ago really bad anorexia lost 50lbs 2 month wish never stopped hate much want perfect bad feel like ill live life dont want cat suffer reason anything lost interest everything hate nothing want go away please let go away,17f wish starved death year ago,cloudy sad eye,381,42,cloudy sad eye year ago really bad anorexia lost 50lbs 2 month wish never stopped hate much want perfect bad feel like ill live life dont want cat suffer reason anything lost interest everything hate nothing want go away please let go away 17f wish starved death year ago
I should have just done it seven years ago when I had the chance,"I told myself, I can do this, I can get through with it but nope. It just got worse. I’m a failure and failures shouldn’t live.",mibo04,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdmn69/i_should_have_just_done_it_seven_years_ago_when_i/,told get nope got worse failure failure live,done seven year ago chance,mi bo 04,127,64,mi bo 04 told get nope got worse failure failure live done seven year ago chance
Urges,So many urges and so opportunities. I don't think I can hold on a lot longer it's just to tempting and I finally want out,throwaway19374626,15,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdj99t/urges/,many urge opportunity think hold lot longer tempting finally want,urge,throwaway 19374626,121,5,throwaway 19374626 many urge opportunity think hold lot longer tempting finally want urge
Tired.,"I'm so tired of fighting my mind.
I'm lately joking with myself about when do I receive an Oscar, even the psychiatric pointed out how functional I am and how depressed I am.

I just fucking can't, you know?
I just want to be able to live, I feel like I am existing.

I tried shitload if things, and still trying, doing anything I can to stay head above water and I'm fucking tired as I don't see the shore.

I am at a loss and lonely as fuck.",kittenstarr84,11,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdj1rh/tired/,tired fighting mind lately joking receive oscar even psychiatric pointed functional depressed fucking know want able live feel like existing tried shitload thing still trying anything stay head water fucking tired see shore loss lonely fuck,tired,kitten starr 84,443,6,kitten starr 84 tired fighting mind lately joking receive oscar even psychiatric pointed functional depressed fucking know want able live feel like existing tried shitload thing still trying anything stay head water fucking tired see shore loss lonely fuck tired
I've been planning my end for years now.,"I always liked beauty. Probably the only thing that kept me from ending it all. But even it wasn't enough, isn't, most of the time. 
Sometimes the only thing that calms me is to plan how I'm going to do it. It came to a point that every time that I'm suicidal again the only thing stopping me is the complexity of the scene. I still don't have the right things, I can't go to the place, my hair isn't in the right length and etc. 
I never told anyone about it. I'm living between numbness and intense feelings that hurt too much. I feel like I'm wasting my privileges, I'm wasting my capacities, I don't want to, I don't know what to do. The best phases are when I'm hyper, but I get destructive and it's not ideal. 
I miss xanax but I'm tired of numbing it down. I'm tired of living like a nun, I'm tired of always having to control myself so much when I feel something. 
And I ask myself what is going to happen the day I have everything ready. Sometimes I wish it was today. Sometimes I just don't want to think about it. 

If someone knows a way out of this, I can listen. I'm always listening anyway.",asariell,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdegom/ive_been_planning_my_end_for_years_now/,always liked beauty probably thing kept ending even enough time sometimes thing calm plan going came point every time suicidal thing stopping complexity scene still right thing go place hair right length etc never told anyone living numbness intense feeling hurt much feel like wasting privilege wasting capacity want know best phase hyper get destructive ideal miss xanax tired numbing tired living like nun tired always control much feel something ask going happen day everything ready sometimes wish wa today sometimes want think someone know way listen always listening anyway,planning end year,ariel l,1105,40,ariel l always liked beauty probably thing kept ending even enough time sometimes thing calm plan going came point every time suicidal thing stopping complexity scene still right thing go place hair right length etc never told anyone living numbness intense feeling hurt much feel like wasting privilege wasting capacity want know best phase hyper get destructive ideal miss xanax tired numbing tired living like nun tired always control much feel something ask going happen day everything ready sometimes wish wa today sometimes want think someone know way listen always listening anyway planning end year
"Does anyone else search things like ""how to commit suicide"" in Google just to hope that there's someone who'll notice?",emptypost,17yrcub,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd53u9/does_anyone_else_search_things_like_how_to_commit/,emptypost,doe anyone else search thing like commit suicide google hope someone notice,17 yr cub,9,118,17 yr cub emptypost doe anyone else search thing like commit suicide google hope someone notice
My last day,"Sry for my English,Hello Reddit, I’m only have 24 hours to live,cuz after that I’m gonna kill my self, beginning from the start, My Names is Andrey.I was born in little Siberian town Uzhur, I’m live like a anyone else, but one day, my friend told me about csgolounge(website where u can bet on teams csgo), it was 2013, and I start betting, for 19 from 1$ I had 2000$ for 13 y.o kid it was a lot especially in Russia, I spent all this money for my new pc around ~1000 $ and 1k$ to help my parents, it was hard time for us, this money rly help us,for next 5 year, I continued betting,some times win, sometimes lost, but don’t be rly in, but all changed in September 2019, my dad got ischemic stroke(now he is fine),I forget about everything (study, girl and friends) I just sit at home and play video games and betting, it was good per month I can make like a 3000$ from 50$ it was so fucking good, but all changes in December, I lost like a 5000$ and was so tilted and takes debt(2000$) I think I can increase like 3x or even 4, but I’m lost everything, i don’t ask for the help, i just beg don’t start betting cuz it’s only one way road in the end that u just end like me.Ty for Everything and bye",Sinigamic1,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdb7c1/my_last_day/,sry english hello reddit 24 hour live cuz gonna kill self beginning start name andrey wa born little siberian town uzhur live like anyone else one day friend told csgolounge website u bet team csgo wa 2013 start betting 19 1 2000 13 kid wa lot especially russia spent money new pc around 1000 1k help parent wa hard time u money rly help u next 5 year continued betting time win sometimes lost rly changed september 2019 dad got ischemic stroke fine forget everything study girl friend sit home play video game betting wa good per month make like 3000 50 wa fucking good change december lost like 5000 wa tilted take debt 2000 think increase like 3x even 4 lost everything ask help beg start betting cuz one way road end u end like ty everything bye,last day,iga mic 1,1198,11,iga mic 1 sry english hello reddit 24 hour live cuz gonna kill self beginning start name andrey wa born little siberian town uzhur live like anyone else one day friend told csgolounge website u bet team csgo wa 2013 start betting 19 1 2000 13 kid wa lot especially russia spent money new pc around 1000 1k help parent wa hard time u money rly help u next 5 year continued betting time win sometimes lost rly changed september 2019 dad got ischemic stroke fine forget everything study girl friend sit home play video game betting wa good per month make like 3000 50 wa fucking good change december lost like 5000 wa tilted take debt 2000 think increase like 3x even 4 lost everything ask help beg start betting cuz one way road end u end like ty everything bye last day
I think this is the last straw,"I can't function like a normal human being. I try, I fcking try but things just get worse and idk if this a signal but I believe the world wants me dead.
My anxiety makes impossible going to university; i can't make presentations or anything that involves people.
Panic just drowns me and tears start to appear.
It's pathetic
I'm pathetic; walking with my head down, ashamed of whatever i have.
I'm so ashamed of myself, I feel guilty for existing.
Things don't get better
Thats a fcking lie
Suicidal thoughts come and go
If i had a knife rn maybe 
Just maybe... 
I just want this to be over.",maoishere,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdih0m/i_think_this_is_the_last_straw/,function like normal human try fcking try thing get worse idk signal believe world want dead anxiety make impossible going university make presentation anything involves people panic drowns tear start appear pathetic pathetic walking head ashamed whatever ashamed feel guilty existing thing get better thats fcking lie suicidal thought come go knife rn maybe maybe want,think last straw,maoi,592,30,maoi function like normal human try fcking try thing get worse idk signal believe world want dead anxiety make impossible going university make presentation anything involves people panic drowns tear start appear pathetic pathetic walking head ashamed whatever ashamed feel guilty existing thing get better thats fcking lie suicidal thought come go knife rn maybe maybe want think last straw
Suicide,"I came up with 4 ways I can go...
1) overdose 
2) by cop
3) by bridge
4) by train",walker310,21,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddy40/suicide/,came 4 way go 1 overdose 2 cop 3 bridge 4 train,suicide,walker 310,81,7,walker 310 came 4 way go 1 overdose 2 cop 3 bridge 4 train suicide
Vent thing?.,"I want to die but my life isn't even that difficult, there are people in worse situation than me. I feel guilty for wanting to die, knowing that. I should be grateful for everything I have, knowing there are people who don't have access to food, etc but I'm not. I want help but I don't feel like I deserve it because there and people in a worse state than me. I want to tell my friends/family that I want to die, but I don't want to look like an attention seeker so I don't tell them. The only thing stopping me from jumping off 19 storeys is my cowardice, everyday feels so repetitive and boring that I might just jump one day in front of everybody, to see if they would care. I feel so guilty that people have to deal with me, I'm a nuisance. I don't feel that anything I do in life would matter as I will eventually die, like everybody else. I keep letting everybody down. Everybody hates me and I hate myself. I can't do anything right at all, I'm ugly, I'm talentless. I'm useless.",daoisa,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fda7c7/vent_thing/,want die life even difficult people worse situation feel guilty wanting die knowing grateful everything knowing people access food etc want help feel like deserve people worse state want tell friend family want die want look like attention seeker tell thing stopping jumping 19 storey cowardice everyday feel repetitive boring might jump one day front everybody see would care feel guilty people deal nuisance feel anything life would matter eventually die like everybody else keep letting everybody everybody hate hate anything right ugly talentless useless,vent thing,dao,987,12,dao want die life even difficult people worse situation feel guilty wanting die knowing grateful everything knowing people access food etc want help feel like deserve people worse state want tell friend family want die want look like attention seeker tell thing stopping jumping 19 storey cowardice everyday feel repetitive boring might jump one day front everybody see would care feel guilty people deal nuisance feel anything life would matter eventually die like everybody else keep letting everybody everybody hate hate anything right ugly talentless useless vent thing
I have suicidal thoughts.,"Hello, I wanted to post here for quite some time but I've always been sort of scared that my issues wouldn't be as important as the ones on here.Lately I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts and I've just been feeling very diwn in general,I know I won't do it though because even though I don't really care about myself I know it will absolutely destroy my best friend's life.She has been so supportive over the years and I couldn't do it to her because I know that she cares a lot.Sorry for the long post,just wanted to vent a little:/
P.S. sometimes I feel like she doesn't care even though she shows me very often that she indeed does.",Asatruar27,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdloo2/i_have_suicidal_thoughts/,hello wanted post quite time always sort scared issue important one lately lot suicidal thought feeling diwn general know though even though really care know absolutely destroy best friend life ha supportive year know care lot sorry long post wanted vent little p sometimes feel like care even though show often indeed doe,suicidal thought,asatruar 27,643,25,asatruar 27 hello wanted post quite time always sort scared issue important one lately lot suicidal thought feeling diwn general know though even though really care know absolutely destroy best friend life ha supportive year know care lot sorry long post wanted vent little p sometimes feel like care even though show often indeed doe suicidal thought
Laying it out all there,"Hey everyone,

This is so weird that a Reddit board exists for this, but hey it does. I'm a 31 year old, who generally has a lot going for him on paper (good job, partner, lots of friends, supportive family, health, etc). With the job, there is one caveat, I don't know what I'm doing. For context purposes, I'm an accountant and have been one for almost a decade now. I was the kid who studied his butt off in school with the expectation that would pay off in the form of a good job, success etc. I was also one of those people that thought he was better than others, where deep down I wasn't. Really, everybody is special and unique in their own ways. Anyways, what I'm getting at is I feel I've put a lot of bad energy out there and it's all culminating into one big disaster over the past few months. That disaster being the realization that the skills that I say I have on paper I don't actually have in real life (somehow miraculously I got by the past 10 years) and now I don't know what to do. Over the past few months I haven't been sleeping, barely getting anything done at work and overall feel like the end is near. I've had suicide ideation since I was a 15 coupled with worrying about death in general. Anyways, not sure what I expect to get out of posting this, but just wanted to share my situation. I do want to live deep down, there are just so many uncertainties and realizations about myself that scare the living shit out of me.",MatthewJA88,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdi7sb/laying_it_out_all_there/,hey everyone weird reddit board exists hey doe 31 year old generally ha lot going paper good job partner lot friend supportive family health etc job one caveat know context purpose accountant one almost decade wa kid studied butt school expectation would pay form good job success etc wa also one people thought wa better others deep really everybody special unique way anyways getting feel put lot bad energy culminating one big disaster past month disaster realization skill say paper actually real life somehow miraculously got past 10 year know past month sleeping barely getting anything done work overall feel like end near suicide ideation since wa 15 coupled worrying death general anyways sure expect get posting wanted share situation want live deep many uncertainty realization scare living shit,laying,matthew j 88,1449,23,matthew j 88 hey everyone weird reddit board exists hey doe 31 year old generally ha lot going paper good job partner lot friend supportive family health etc job one caveat know context purpose accountant one almost decade wa kid studied butt school expectation would pay form good job success etc wa also one people thought wa better others deep really everybody special unique way anyways getting feel put lot bad energy culminating one big disaster past month disaster realization skill say paper actually real life somehow miraculously got past 10 year know past month sleeping barely getting anything done work overall feel like end near suicide ideation since wa 15 coupled worrying death general anyways sure expect get posting wanted share situation want live deep many uncertainty realization scare living shit laying
Drafting my note,"I'm about done here, its time for me to punch out. No friends, no career and no passion for anything. I moved from Texas to my hometown in Wisconsin because it was the last place I actually remember being happy but I've been here for a year now and nothing has changed. It's been so long now that I've felt like an entirely useless waste of space. My family doesn't even care about me anymore but I still want to write something to my mom just so she hears it from me and not a phone call by the police. I just want to apologize for all the time and money wasted on me, I turned out to be such a disappointment and I just want to be gone. I'm saving up for a neat looking revolver so I can at least go out with a bang. I just don't know what to put in the text to my mom,I mean how can I just say that I give up, that the world wins, that they were right about me",CovertGamesINC,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdll7n/drafting_my_note/,done time punch friend career passion anything moved texas hometown wisconsin wa last place actually remember happy year nothing ha changed long felt like entirely useless waste space family even care anymore still want write something mom hears phone call police want apologize time money wasted turned disappointment want gone saving neat looking revolver least go bang know put text mom mean say give world win right,drafting note,covert game inc,863,16,covert game inc done time punch friend career passion anything moved texas hometown wisconsin wa last place actually remember happy year nothing ha changed long felt like entirely useless waste space family even care anymore still want write something mom hears phone call police want apologize time money wasted turned disappointment want gone saving neat looking revolver least go bang know put text mom mean say give world win right drafting note
I think it’s time.,I’m loosing my apartment. My job is constant and I’m hardly home. The only time I feel normal is when I’m higher than a kite. Seriously what’s the point anymore of trying? I know I’m a burden and I know people don’t like me. Why keep living if you aren’t liked? Maybe I’ll wait till my grandpa passes so it’s all the heart ache at once.,Boogiedat,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdi09o/i_think_its_time/,loosing apartment job constant hardly home time feel normal higher kite seriously point anymore trying know burden know people like keep living liked maybe wait till grandpa pass heart ache,think time,boogied,336,18,boogied loosing apartment job constant hardly home time feel normal higher kite seriously point anymore trying know burden know people like keep living liked maybe wait till grandpa pass heart ache think time
"A kink in my suicide plan, not sure what to do","I'm a useless freeloader who's never, not for a single second, done or said anything of use. A few years ago my parents were sorting out stuff to do with life insurance and, even though I never asked, I kinda just assumed I had life insurance. My suicide plan was to, obviously, off myself (but not make it look like suicide) then have my parents collect on my insurance and donate my body to science. No funeral costs, huge sum of money, and a freeloader off their back for good.

I don't actually know if the plan would work, I haven't researched it much obvs 

Except now I know it definitely won't work because I just learned that I don't have life insurance... and I'm sure it would look hella suspicious if I had a policy taken out on me only to die a few days later...

​

I want my suicide to benefit my family. I hate the idea that, in death, I'll continue to be a waste of time, money, and energy.",IrritatorRajiDTB,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlgjs/a_kink_in_my_suicide_plan_not_sure_what_to_do/,useless freeloader never single second done said anything use year ago parent sorting stuff life insurance even though never asked kinda assumed life insurance suicide plan wa obviously make look like suicide parent collect insurance donate body science funeral cost huge sum money freeloader back good actually know plan would work researched much obvs except know definitely work learned life insurance sure would look hella suspicious policy taken die day later amp x200b want suicide benefit family hate idea death continue waste time money energy,kink suicide plan sure,irritator raj id tb,918,46,irritator raj id tb useless freeloader never single second done said anything use year ago parent sorting stuff life insurance even though never asked kinda assumed life insurance suicide plan wa obviously make look like suicide parent collect insurance donate body science funeral cost huge sum money freeloader back good actually know plan would work researched much obvs except know definitely work learned life insurance sure would look hella suspicious policy taken die day later amp x200b want suicide benefit family hate idea death continue waste time money energy kink suicide plan sure
I don’t want to bother my friends,"So I’ll bother you guys. This sub makes me so sad. But I guess I’m already so sad. I found myself wishing that I would get the virus and die. It would make it so much easier on my family and friends. And in a masochistic way I like the idea of withering away, which is probably why I don’t eat. I just feel so worthless and stupid. I’m going nowhere in life. My boyfriend doesn’t love me enough and doesn’t know how or bother to help when I’m down. I think he might just stick around out of pity but I can feel that and it sucks and it’s not enough for me if it’s not real love. I just really need to shout into this void for a minute because I don’t feel worthy of taking up the energy or my friends or the time or a crisis line or something. I think I’m going to be alone forever, and I wish so hard that I was strong enough to not care about that. I wish I was enough. But I’m so tired of being anxious all the time and feeling this sinking darkness in my chest. I just want to get out of here.",sad_john,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdlef1/i_dont_want_to_bother_my_friends/,bother guy sub make sad guess already sad found wishing would get virus die would make much easier family friend masochistic way like idea withering away probably eat feel worthless stupid going nowhere life boyfriend love enough know bother help think might stick around pity feel suck enough real love really need shout void minute feel worthy taking energy friend time crisis line something think going alone forever wish hard wa strong enough care wish wa enough tired anxious time feeling sinking darkness chest want get,want bother friend,sad john,997,33,sad john bother guy sub make sad guess already sad found wishing would get virus die would make much easier family friend masochistic way like idea withering away probably eat feel worthless stupid going nowhere life boyfriend love enough know bother help think might stick around pity feel suck enough real love really need shout void minute feel worthy taking energy friend time crisis line something think going alone forever wish hard wa strong enough care wish wa enough tired anxious time feeling sinking darkness chest want get want bother friend
Currently in the ER,In scrubs waiting for the Psychiatrist.  Haven’t been able to eat or sleep for 2 days  after my trauma from 28 years ago was triggered.  Not sure what the Psychiatrist will do for me.  I still have no appetite.  Hoping that I can get something to get me to sleep.  Pray for me.,SupaFlyslammajammazz,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfqta/currently_in_the_er/,scrub waiting psychiatrist able eat sleep 2 day trauma 28 year ago wa triggered sure psychiatrist still appetite hoping get something get sleep pray,currently er,supa fly slam maja mma zz,277,19,supa fly slam maja mma zz scrub waiting psychiatrist able eat sleep 2 day trauma 28 year ago wa triggered sure psychiatrist still appetite hoping get something get sleep pray currently er
This subreddit is kinda therapeutic.,This is my personal experience. But seeing other people go through the same struggles I go through is kinda calming. And some people are obviously going through things much worse. Also people here are so much more sympathetic and kind. It's wonderful.,Rafid_wayne,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdl6zf/this_subreddit_is_kinda_therapeutic/,personal experience seeing people go struggle go kinda calming people obviously going thing much worse also people much sympathetic kind wonderful,subreddit kinda therapeutic,rafi wayne,251,36,rafi wayne personal experience seeing people go struggle go kinda calming people obviously going thing much worse also people much sympathetic kind wonderful subreddit kinda therapeutic
Living with constant anxiety,"I've slowly killed myself over the past decade. Would smoke 5 spliffs and a pack of cigarettes per day and only eat garbage. I'm 27 now.

I now constantly live with the fear of getting cancer. I had a severe mental breakdown of about 2 to 3 months with high level anxiety, stress and regrets. I now worry that this period gave me cancer too. 

This is no life. I can't do this anymore. I'm convinced I'll get cancer. I wish I could just quickly end it so I'm finally at peace.",Wienerschnitzelz420,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhknz/living_with_constant_anxiety/,slowly killed past decade would smoke 5 spliff pack cigarette per day eat garbage 27 constantly live fear getting cancer severe mental breakdown 2 3 month high level anxiety stress regret worry period gave cancer life anymore convinced get cancer wish could quickly end finally peace,living constant anxiety,wiener schnitzel z 420,476,28,wiener schnitzel z 420 slowly killed past decade would smoke 5 spliff pack cigarette per day eat garbage 27 constantly live fear getting cancer severe mental breakdown 2 3 month high level anxiety stress regret worry period gave cancer life anymore convinced get cancer wish could quickly end finally peace living constant anxiety
I’m so tired of it all,"It’s your average story everyone’s heard: no friends, broken family, bullied throughout elementary and high school, rough breakup, only escapes through drugs and self harm. I just can’t take it anymore i feel so worthless, I’m turning 18 this year and i think i can no longer go on like this i’ve wanted to die since i was 11. why is life so painful every day is a constantly struggle for me and i can’t even find motivation to keep going on. I cant even picture myself as an adult, i see nothing. These are all just words i cant even put together properly without autocorrect cause i’m crying too much, i just want to feel okay. How does being loved feel like? I’ve only felt it once with someone who changed their mind and started caring about somebody else in that particular way and broke off all contact with me. I’m so tired of people giving me “tough love” and saying my decisions are selfish, i know i am, it’s just making it worst. I just want it all to stop, but it never did. “It gets better” is burned into my mind but when does it? I’ve been trying so hard to continue on and make improvements but it always ends back at square one. I’ve never been this insistent on dying in my life, there are only liars and shitty people on this earth. Nobody seems to care or listen unless there’s something in for them",tiredlucifer,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhjhk/im_so_tired_of_it_all/,average story everyone heard friend broken family bullied throughout elementary high school rough breakup escape drug self harm take anymore feel worthless turning 18 year think longer go like wanted die since wa 11 life painful every day constantly struggle even find motivation keep going cant even picture adult see nothing word cant even put together properly without autocorrect cause cry much want feel okay doe loved feel like felt someone changed mind started caring somebody else particular way broke contact tired people giving tough love saying decision selfish know making worst want stop never get better burned mind doe trying hard continue make improvement always end back square one never insistent dying life liar shitty people earth nobody seems care listen unless something,tired,tired lucifer,1319,22,tired lucifer average story everyone heard friend broken family bullied throughout elementary high school rough breakup escape drug self harm take anymore feel worthless turning 18 year think longer go like wanted die since wa 11 life painful every day constantly struggle even find motivation keep going cant even picture adult see nothing word cant even put together properly without autocorrect cause cry much want feel okay doe loved feel like felt someone changed mind started caring somebody else particular way broke contact tired people giving tough love saying decision selfish know making worst want stop never get better burned mind doe trying hard continue make improvement always end back square one never insistent dying life liar shitty people earth nobody seems care listen unless something tired
I need to know,"For a few years now i’ve been having these 4-5 month periods of just malaise and insecurity. I feel so selfish writing this. My parents refuse to get me tested for depression, So i can’t say that I have it. I am ugly. No one wants to talk to me because i’m not cool enough. If they are seen with me theyre automatically labeled as un-cool. I hate everyone. theyre so fucking selfish and fake. To me it hurts more to be rejected by a potential friend than a potential girlfriend. The only friends I have see that i’m sad or im not motivated, and they try and force me to open up, and when they finally force me to they try to become my therapist. Then I become a burden to them and they feel the need to check up on me. And then they use my problems against me if I make them mad. I am so fucking selfish and everyone lies to me. Recently one of my only friends, a girl, i fell in love with, backstabbed me. She had been for many months now. I confessed my love for her 7 months ago and we’ve been “more than friends” for a while.. I realized that she only did this because she felt bad for me. She leaked my affectionate love notes and my personal problems to my only friends, who then laughed at me, called me a simp and stopped talking to me. I’m too affectionate with people. My past relationships have always failed because i’m not a strong independent man. I’m a needy baby when it comes to the relationship and no girl wants a needy baby let alone an ugly fuck like me. I see girls at my school who look exactly like the girl who backstabbed me and it fucking eats me away inside knowing I have no chance. I want out. I just want to press escape and quit. I’m too scared to jump off a building and I only would feel comfortable with a gun. But I don’t know if this is for real or just angst..? I just want to stop going to school everyday seeing everyone have friends, girlfriends, good looks, making experiences knowing I cant achieve that. Its like my life is just showing me what I cant have and I want it to stop. Its eating away at me.",mollycholly,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdktz7/i_need_to_know/,year 4 5 month period malaise insecurity feel selfish writing parent refuse get tested depression say ugly one want talk cool enough seen theyre automatically labeled un cool hate everyone theyre fucking selfish fake hurt rejected potential friend potential girlfriend friend see sad im motivated try force open finally force try become therapist become burden feel need check use problem make mad fucking selfish everyone lie recently one friend girl fell love backstabbed many month confessed love 7 month ago friend realized felt bad leaked affectionate love note personal problem friend laughed called simp stopped talking affectionate people past relationship always failed strong independent man needy baby come relationship girl want needy baby let alone ugly fuck like see girl school look exactly like girl backstabbed fucking eats away inside knowing chance want want press escape quit scared jump building would feel comfortable gun know real angst want stop going school everyday seeing everyone friend girlfriend good look making experience knowing cant achieve like life showing cant want stop eating away,need know,molly c holly,2046,14,molly c holly year 4 5 month period malaise insecurity feel selfish writing parent refuse get tested depression say ugly one want talk cool enough seen theyre automatically labeled un cool hate everyone theyre fucking selfish fake hurt rejected potential friend potential girlfriend friend see sad im motivated try force open finally force try become therapist become burden feel need check use problem make mad fucking selfish everyone lie recently one friend girl fell love backstabbed many month confessed love 7 month ago friend realized felt bad leaked affectionate love note personal problem friend laughed called simp stopped talking affectionate people past relationship always failed strong independent man needy baby come relationship girl want needy baby let alone ugly fuck like see girl school look exactly like girl backstabbed fucking eats away inside knowing chance want want press escape quit scared jump building would feel comfortable gun know real angst want stop going school everyday seeing everyone friend girlfriend good look making experience knowing cant achieve like life showing cant want stop eating away need know
I don't know what the point is I can't do this anymore,"Every morning I wake up, REALLY wishing I didn't wake up. Everyday honestly feels SO difficult to get through to the point where I have almost no energy any longer. I cannot find pleasure in anything and the idea of having to do this any longer really makes me lose it. I am so scared to end my own life because I'm worried it won't work and I'll turn out even worse than I already am. I can't handle the loneliness, the isolation, the constant DEMAND to work day in and day out and make money just to pay bills just to feel this fucking awful all day long. No one truly cares about me and they only want to keep me here for their own selfish reasons. Why can't assisted suicide for mental health be legal? I have called crisis line multiple times daily recently and I'm just ready to overdose on fentanyl. 

​

I don't know, I just needed to vent. I am scared to do it but I just want everything to be done and over. I just want to sleep peacefully, forever. Please ... I'm begging just make it all stop and put me out of my misery. I can't take it any longer.",117308,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdksfn/i_dont_know_what_the_point_is_i_cant_do_this/,every morning wake really wishing wake everyday honestly feel difficult get point almost energy longer cannot find pleasure anything idea longer really make lose scared end life worried work turn even worse already handle loneliness isolation constant demand work day day make money pay bill feel fucking awful day long one truly care want keep selfish reason assisted suicide mental health legal called crisis line multiple time daily recently ready overdose fentanyl amp x200b know needed vent scared want everything done want sleep peacefully forever please begging make stop put misery take longer,know point anymore,117308,1072,54,117308 every morning wake really wishing wake everyday honestly feel difficult get point almost energy longer cannot find pleasure anything idea longer really make lose scared end life worried work turn even worse already handle loneliness isolation constant demand work day day make money pay bill feel fucking awful day long one truly care want keep selfish reason assisted suicide mental health legal called crisis line multiple time daily recently ready overdose fentanyl amp x200b know needed vent scared want everything done want sleep peacefully forever please begging make stop put misery take longer know point anymore
where shall the depressed go when we die?," sometimes I wonder if people that stay alive as not to hurt others will go to heavy, or be placed into vestibule (where the uncommited are punished for unloyalty to either good or evil),",redFinland,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdf8p0/where_shall_the_depressed_go_when_we_die/,sometimes wonder people stay alive hurt others go heavy placed vestibule uncommited punished unloyalty either good evil,shall depressed go die,red finland,187,41,red finland sometimes wonder people stay alive hurt others go heavy placed vestibule uncommited punished unloyalty either good evil shall depressed go die
Feeling stuck living with manipulative parents,"I’m having doubts about wanting to keep going. I just turned 25, I’m a girl from the US who is disabled (I have depression, BPD, anxiety, ADD and I have bad tremors as a result of these issues) and my parents treat me like I’m a little girl. I have not worked a proper job very much in my life and I’m a little immature for my age. 

Basically, where I am now, I feel mentally and physically unwell to work - the tremors go in and out and I collapse of exhaustion at least twice a month from them. My parents, my mum especially- are pressuring me to work, she gives me jobs I know I wouldn’t be able to handle and I apply to them to make her happy, though I never hear back. She is a social worker and when I say I’m too unwell to work she goes *”I’ve worked with people with Down’s syndrome, who were severely disabled, they had jobs.”* or *”I worked with a schizophrenic woman once, that’s worse than what you have, and she held down a 9 to 5 job.”* and so fourth. I think I should be on disability but my mum sees that as “giving up” and says that they won’t accept me because I “haven’t showed signs of trying” IE my small work history - the majority of money I’ve made over the years is from my music, but that comes few and far between.
Because I don’t have a job, my mum makes it my “job” in the house to be the only person who ever cleans our cats’ litter box, and when my tremors are going this is bad because I can’t hold the bag straight and I get litter and cat droppings everywhere, but she’s so insistent on sticking it to me that I’m not working that this doesn’t matter. 
I Have two girlfriends, my parents only know I’m dating one of them. One lives in Canada, I have wanted to run away there but my mum said if I even tried to visit her she would get Canadian police to come get me since I’m mentally unwell (my Canadian girlfriend also struggles with that and my parents like her but says she’s a “basket case” and that I shouldn’t  date her) but I  kinda don’t have a passport anyway.

My other girlfriend lives in the Midwest US and my mum says if I moved there I’d never contact the family ever again even though I told her I would, and that I would become ungrateful towards my girlfriend and get an “attitude” with her - my parents say I have a short temper but I’m quite mellow, it’s just that years of verbal abuse from my father - who to his credit is finally doing something about this - has gotten me very damaged.


Anyways, I like tried to stab myself in the stomach but was stopped and the knife was taken from me. I feel  stuck, and I really want to keep going but it’s getting really difficult. I don’t want to break my girlfriends’ hearts. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I’m just unstable or if my parents are really mistreating me.",Dr_Deirdre_Airlines,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddtuk/feeling_stuck_living_with_manipulative_parents/,doubt wanting keep going turned 25 girl u disabled depression bpd anxiety add bad tremor result issue parent treat like little girl worked proper job much life little immature age basically feel mentally physically unwell work tremor go collapse exhaustion least twice month parent mum especially pressuring work give job know able handle apply make happy though never hear back social worker say unwell work go worked people syndrome severely disabled job worked schizophrenic woman worse held 9 5 job fourth think disability mum see giving say accept showed sign trying ie small work history majority money made year music come far job mum make job house person ever clean cat litter box tremor going bad hold bag straight get litter cat droppings everywhere insistent sticking working matter two girlfriend parent know dating one one life canada wanted run away mum said even tried visit would get canadian police come get since mentally unwell canadian girlfriend also struggle parent like say basket case date kinda passport anyway girlfriend life midwest u mum say moved never contact family ever even though told would would become ungrateful towards girlfriend get attitude parent say short temper quite mellow year verbal abuse father credit finally something ha gotten damaged anyways like tried stab stomach wa stopped knife wa taken feel stuck really want keep going getting really difficult want break girlfriend heart know anymore know unstable parent really mistreating,feeling stuck living manipulative parent,dr deir dre airline,2785,46,dr deir dre airline doubt wanting keep going turned 25 girl u disabled depression bpd anxiety add bad tremor result issue parent treat like little girl worked proper job much life little immature age basically feel mentally physically unwell work tremor go collapse exhaustion least twice month parent mum especially pressuring work give job know able handle apply make happy though never hear back social worker say unwell work go worked people syndrome severely disabled job worked schizophrenic woman worse held 9 5 job fourth think disability mum see giving say accept showed sign trying ie small work history majority money made year music come far job mum make job house person ever clean cat litter box tremor going bad hold bag straight get litter cat droppings everywhere insistent sticking working matter two girlfriend parent know dating one one life canada wanted run away mum said even tried visit would get canadian police come get since mentally unwell canadian girlfriend also struggle parent like say basket case date kinda passport anyway girlfriend life midwest u mum say moved never contact family ever even though told would would become ungrateful towards girlfriend get attitude parent say short temper quite mellow year verbal abuse father credit finally something ha gotten damaged anyways like tried stab stomach wa stopped knife wa taken feel stuck really want keep going getting really difficult want break girlfriend heart know anymore know unstable parent really mistreating feeling stuck living manipulative parent
"I have nothing, I am nothing","I'm 18 years old. I lost my car and my job. I had to move in with my boyfriend as a last resort but I'm very close to him kicking me out. My boyfriend resents me for moving in with him. I have nowhere else to go after that.

I'm 3 months away from graduation but in order to tolerate school I have to show up high as a kite. So many people there hate me. The work is just piling up and I cry in class almost once a week it seems.

I had one shot at a decent job and I didn't get it. There's nowhere else near me where I can apply. But my boyfriend got a job at the same place.

I'm volatile and emotional. I hurt everyone around me. I've driven everyone away. I have literally, and I mean literally, no one. I don't know why I'm like this. All I do is make other's lives hell.

Fuck I want to die. I want to die as painfully as I can. I want to be flayed, burned, and disemboweled. It's what I deserve in life. I've caused so much pain for everyone around me. I fucking hate myself beyond words. I can't think of anyone I hate more than myself. I just want to die. I want to die so, so badly. But I can't do it.",chivvg,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdknjz/i_have_nothing_i_am_nothing/,18 year old lost car job move boyfriend last resort close kicking boyfriend resents moving nowhere else go 3 month away graduation order tolerate school show high kite many people hate work piling cry class almost week seems one shot decent job get nowhere else near apply boyfriend got job place volatile emotional hurt everyone around driven everyone away literally mean literally one know like make life hell fuck want die want die painfully want flayed burned disemboweled deserve life caused much pain everyone around fucking hate beyond word think anyone hate want die want die badly,nothing nothing,c hiv vg,1111,28,c hiv vg 18 year old lost car job move boyfriend last resort close kicking boyfriend resents moving nowhere else go 3 month away graduation order tolerate school show high kite many people hate work piling cry class almost week seems one shot decent job get nowhere else near apply boyfriend got job place volatile emotional hurt everyone around driven everyone away literally mean literally one know like make life hell fuck want die want die painfully want flayed burned disemboweled deserve life caused much pain everyone around fucking hate beyond word think anyone hate want die want die badly nothing nothing
I am 12 and really just fucking hate childhood I wish it could just end.,Hello I'm 12 and I see no reason to live. I would  never want to give up on my parents. I just see no point of waiting 6 more years. I see my childhood as nothing please help me,levo10,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdknb2/i_am_12_and_really_just_fucking_hate_childhood_i/,hello 12 see reason live would never want give parent see point waiting 6 year see childhood nothing please help,12 really fucking hate childhood wish could end,lev 10,177,72,lev 10 hello 12 see reason live would never want give parent see point waiting 6 year see childhood nothing please help 12 really fucking hate childhood wish could end
"Subscribed to this subreddit looking for support, but instead all I get is an endless feedback loop of other people who also want to die. It feels like this sub has become more harm than good now.",idfk anymore...,Therandomfox,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgwcx/subscribed_to_this_subreddit_looking_for_support/,idfk anymore,subscribed subreddit looking support instead get endless feedback loop people also want die feel like sub ha become harm good,random fox,15,196,random fox idfk anymore subscribed subreddit looking support instead get endless feedback loop people also want die feel like sub ha become harm good
Saturday is the day I set,I'm just so fucking tired right now and Saturday sounds right.,im_just_tired_iswear,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8fco/saturday_is_the_day_i_set/,fucking tired right saturday sound right,saturday day set,im tired wear,62,25,im tired wear fucking tired right saturday sound right saturday day set
Fastest way to become ill? Enough to get hospitalized,"So I have to go to a psychiatric ward soon, and I don’t want to go back so what Is the fastest way to become ill? Enough to stay in general hospital? 
I really need help so please reply as soon as possible this is my only option.",snakesnack148,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgm34/fastest_way_to_become_ill_enough_to_get/,go psychiatric ward soon want go back fastest way become ill enough stay general hospital really need help please reply soon possible option,fastest way become ill enough get hospitalized,snake snack 148,229,53,snake snack 148 go psychiatric ward soon want go back fastest way become ill enough stay general hospital really need help please reply soon possible option fastest way become ill enough get hospitalized
265 Days left,I have 265 days left until my first attempt but somehow I already now I will waste every single day by doing nothing. I'm ok with that I guess I was destined to be bored and lazy. Who knows maybe I won't have the courage to do it but idc anymore. I just wanna end it. I'll see how it continues,AlexPail,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdk2tj/265_days_left/,265 day left first attempt somehow already waste every single day nothing ok guess wa destined bored lazy know maybe courage idc anymore wanna end see continues,265 day left,alex pail,293,13,alex pail 265 day left first attempt somehow already waste every single day nothing ok guess wa destined bored lazy know maybe courage idc anymore wanna end see continues 265 day left
I won't be turning 26 this year,"For the record, I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or try to gather sympathy but I'm done. All my life I've let people walk all over, I've always put everyone else before myself, and I've gone above beyond for people. I don't know why people don't like me or be around me. I have gone to therapy for years to better myself and always tried to be the best person I can but it didn't work. 

I hate myself so much. I am a burden to my parents, very few people care about me and I am a waste of space to be alive.   I know my parents will be upset but they will get over it quickly because they have my brother who is extremely intelligent, handsome and very well-liked.  My dad will for sure be okay because he had two kids from a previous marriage and one's a doctor about to get engaged and the other owns her marketing agency and is married to a great guy with two beautiful children. I come from a family of overachievers and I have never measured no matter how hard I tried. They are also very attractive people and for some reason, I came out looking so deformed and ugly.  I just feel like there is no point in trying anymore. I screw up all the time, I am a huge loser and very few people like me. It's better  I do this now than waste another 25 years alone. 

When I'm gone I will disappear into the background and it will be as if I was never here. I tried to fight for so long but I'm done!",CoolExpression,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgk29/i_wont_be_turning_26_this_year/,record trying feel sorry try gather sympathy done life let people walk always put everyone else gone beyond people know people like around gone therapy year better always tried best person work hate much burden parent people care waste space alive know parent upset get quickly brother extremely intelligent handsome well liked dad sure okay two kid previous marriage one doctor get engaged owns marketing agency married great guy two beautiful child come family overachiever never measured matter hard tried also attractive people reason came looking deformed ugly feel like point trying anymore screw time huge loser people like better waste another 25 year alone gone disappear background wa never tried fight long done,turning 26 year,cool expression,1405,31,cool expression record trying feel sorry try gather sympathy done life let people walk always put everyone else gone beyond people know people like around gone therapy year better always tried best person work hate much burden parent people care waste space alive know parent upset get quickly brother extremely intelligent handsome well liked dad sure okay two kid previous marriage one doctor get engaged owns marketing agency married great guy two beautiful child come family overachiever never measured matter hard tried also attractive people reason came looking deformed ugly feel like point trying anymore screw time huge loser people like better waste another 25 year alone gone disappear background wa never tried fight long done turning 26 year
life after suicide attempt just feels weird,"I’m in my last year of compulsory school. I tried to kill myself by taking an overdose of prescription pain medication. But I failed miserably. I thought that life would return to normal but everything is fucked up. 

Everyone is acting weird around me, home is uncomfortable, I’ve been labelled as a ‘vulnerable student’, I use to have free periods which I used to spend hanging with my friends or chilling in empty classrooms - they’ve all been taken away and I’ve now been timetabled in for compulsory ‘supervised studies’ EVERYDAY, I’m not allowed to leave school during break or lunches because they need to make sure I’m ‘safe’. It’s so fucking embarrassing. 

My school is telling all my teachers that I’m ‘vulnerable’ that I shouldn’t be asked questions during lesson, and should be allowed to take ‘breaks’. My social worker came to visit today. My parents told my younger sister about my attempt without my fucking knowledge. CAMHS booked me in for an appointment despite me turning 18 in 2 months. 

Everyone just acts fucking weird around me. 

My parents who are both narcs all of a sudden want to start being caring and started telling everyone who asked the reason I attempted suicide was because I got rejected from my top university choice - it really and truly was NOT the reason I felt like I needed to die. 

I tried telling one of my friends about my attempt, and I mentioned in passing that I had my stomach pumped. She started asking me what it feels like and whether or not they replace the substance removed from your stomach like it was fucking cool or something. It was just insensitive. 

I can’t bare the awkwardness. I just feel very trapped and everything just feels so strange. I don’t know what to do and everything just feels so fucked up. I don’t want any special treatment. I just want life to return to the way it was.",glenkarma,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgi0b/life_after_suicide_attempt_just_feels_weird/,last year compulsory school tried kill taking overdose prescription pain medication failed miserably thought life would return normal everything fucked everyone acting weird around home uncomfortable labelled vulnerable student use free period used spend hanging friend chilling empty classroom taken away timetabled compulsory supervised study everyday allowed leave school break lunch need make sure safe fucking embarrassing school telling teacher vulnerable asked question lesson allowed take break social worker came visit today parent told younger sister attempt without fucking knowledge camhs booked appointment despite turning 18 2 month everyone act fucking weird around parent narc sudden want start caring started telling everyone asked reason attempted suicide wa got rejected top university choice really truly wa reason felt like needed die tried telling one friend attempt mentioned passing stomach pumped started asking feel like whether replace substance removed stomach like wa fucking cool something wa insensitive bare awkwardness feel trapped everything feel strange know everything feel fucked want special treatment want life return way wa,life suicide attempt feel weird,glen karma,1855,43,glen karma last year compulsory school tried kill taking overdose prescription pain medication failed miserably thought life would return normal everything fucked everyone acting weird around home uncomfortable labelled vulnerable student use free period used spend hanging friend chilling empty classroom taken away timetabled compulsory supervised study everyday allowed leave school break lunch need make sure safe fucking embarrassing school telling teacher vulnerable asked question lesson allowed take break social worker came visit today parent told younger sister attempt without fucking knowledge camhs booked appointment despite turning 18 2 month everyone act fucking weird around parent narc sudden want start caring started telling everyone asked reason attempted suicide wa got rejected top university choice really truly wa reason felt like needed die tried telling one friend attempt mentioned passing stomach pumped started asking feel like whether replace substance removed stomach like wa fucking cool something wa insensitive bare awkwardness feel trapped everything feel strange know everything feel fucked want special treatment want life return way wa life suicide attempt feel weird
Feel guilty for wanting to die.,"I have a beautiful wife and 2 year old son. A great job. Had a good childhood. But I’ve been dealing with depression for years. I’m extremely unhappy. I find it exhausting having to interact with people. I hate basically everything about myself and even more so because on paper I have no reason to be unhappy. I’m tired. I think about killing myself a lot but feel extremely guilty about leaving my wife and child. I had a bit of a breakdown last year and told my wife I wanted to die and now she is constantly worried about me. I can see how stressful it is for her. If I don’t answer my phone for an extended period of time she says she gets physically sick thinking I’ve done it. I don’t think I ever will but I’m also just so fucking tired. Past couple weeks have been pretty bad. Again no reason to feel this way. Just overwhelmingly sad and unhappy. 

I guess this is just a rant or vent or whatever.",HG88,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdegrb/feel_guilty_for_wanting_to_die/,beautiful wife 2 year old son great job good childhood dealing depression year extremely unhappy find exhausting interact people hate basically everything even paper reason unhappy tired think killing lot feel extremely guilty leaving wife child bit breakdown last year told wife wanted die constantly worried see stressful answer phone extended period time say get physically sick thinking done think ever also fucking tired past couple week pretty bad reason feel way overwhelmingly sad unhappy guess rant vent whatever,feel guilty wanting die,hg 88,907,31,hg 88 beautiful wife 2 year old son great job good childhood dealing depression year extremely unhappy find exhausting interact people hate basically everything even paper reason unhappy tired think killing lot feel extremely guilty leaving wife child bit breakdown last year told wife wanted die constantly worried see stressful answer phone extended period time say get physically sick thinking done think ever also fucking tired past couple week pretty bad reason feel way overwhelmingly sad unhappy guess rant vent whatever feel guilty wanting die
I feel so conflicted,"I feel horrible. I’m too scared to open up to anyone because I’m worried they’ll just go tell the office and boom, I have to run another lap through the system that has done virtually nothing for me the first two times. Same deal with my parents. You can’t open up about suicide without consequences, and I’m sick of the ones. I feel guilty because I know I’d worry everyone because of course they don’t want me to die, if they care about me or not they don’t want somebody to kill themselves regardless. I feel so bad for feeing like this regardless of what anyone does to try and help me, even if it’s gotten better since the last time I went through the system, suicide still feels most optimal even though I really don’t want to die.",ZachyBe,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgfmi/i_feel_so_conflicted/,feel horrible scared open anyone worried go tell office boom run another lap system ha done virtually nothing first two time deal parent open suicide without consequence sick one feel guilty know worry everyone course want die care want somebody kill regardless feel bad feeing like regardless anyone doe try help even gotten better since last time went system suicide still feel optimal even though really want die,feel conflicted,zach,737,20,zach feel horrible scared open anyone worried go tell office boom run another lap system ha done virtually nothing first two time deal parent open suicide without consequence sick one feel guilty know worry everyone course want die care want somebody kill regardless feel bad feeing like regardless anyone doe try help even gotten better since last time went system suicide still feel optimal even though really want die feel conflicted
I want to die and don't see a way forward,"I've been in a funk for a long time and it's just not getting any better. I'm really struggling with literally everything right now. My family is no help. I lost one of my jobs because the place closed and so I'm having to burn through my savings to cover everything. Last month, I was struggling with coming up with my rent money and my prescriptions. This month I've got the rent covered but now don't have enough money for the power bill, my car payment, and my car insurance ad again I'm left panicking and stressing about where I'm going to get the money and what's going to happen. I'm starting a new job in three weeks but that doesn't help me right now. It's so depressing and I honestly feel like killing myself sometimes over it. I wake up dreading what the day holds and it's horrible. My parents don't believe me when I tell them I'm depressed and won't help me with money because they think I should learn through struggling. Everything with them just adds to my state of mind.

sorry for ranting and getting dark, but it's just horrible to feel like this. I feel so lost and alone.",Theblondeone007,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdge8q/i_want_to_die_and_dont_see_a_way_forward/,funk long time getting better really struggling literally everything right family help lost one job place closed burn saving cover everything last month wa struggling coming rent money prescription month got rent covered enough money power bill car payment car insurance ad left panicking stressing going get money going happen starting new job three week help right depressing honestly feel like killing sometimes wake dreading day hold horrible parent believe tell depressed help money think learn struggling everything add state mind sorry ranting getting dark horrible feel like feel lost alone,want die see way forward,blonde one 007,1095,41,blonde one 007 funk long time getting better really struggling literally everything right family help lost one job place closed burn saving cover everything last month wa struggling coming rent money prescription month got rent covered enough money power bill car payment car insurance ad left panicking stressing going get money going happen starting new job three week help right depressing honestly feel like killing sometimes wake dreading day hold horrible parent believe tell depressed help money think learn struggling everything add state mind sorry ranting getting dark horrible feel like feel lost alone want die see way forward
My boyfriend tried to kill himself and I don’t know if I should stay with him,"My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship since about five months now. We’ve known each other for much longer but just as uni started we realised that we wanted to date each other. Just recently, his close cousin died in a car crash. His father who passed away when he was about 14 also died in a car crash. Yesterday, I found out from his sister that he was in the hospital due to a car accident. Now presuming how much I knew that this accident affected him, I believe that he purposely did it. He kept telling me how he was going to do something stupid and how everything felt crazy on the inside and I kept telling him that I loved him and that I needed him. His sister and family will hardly reply to me when I asked what’s going on and I don’t know even know what situation he’s in - dead, alive, coma?? It’s eating me up inside and I don’t know what to do about it. It seems like the best option is to just wait but that’s too agonising for me. Should I try to get over him or wait till I know what’s happened to him? I love him a lot but I’m unsure if he would be the same person after this and if we have an opportunity to live life together anymore. He’s disappeared at times before and it’s been every stressful for me- I break down constantly and don’t eat until I’m starving. I know it sounds like our relationship is unhealthy but he has been nothing but perfect and loving and caring - I believed until recent that I was ready to spend my whole life with him. However, I can hardly help or contact him in situations like this and I feel like I’m wasting my uni life running after someone that I’m not sure I even know anymore. Despite that I know breaking up with him will hurt a lot because I thought that I was in it for the long run. I’m also doing medicine and I think this could greatly impact my degree unless I figure out what to do about it",sashiimii,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdjn4b/my_boyfriend_tried_to_kill_himself_and_i_dont/,boyfriend long distance relationship since five month known much longer uni started realised wanted date recently close cousin died car crash father passed away wa 14 also died car crash yesterday found sister wa hospital due car accident presuming much knew accident affected believe purposely kept telling wa going something stupid everything felt crazy inside kept telling loved needed sister family hardly reply asked going know even know situation dead alive coma eating inside know seems like best option wait agonising try get wait till know happened love lot unsure would person opportunity live life together anymore disappeared time every stressful break constantly eat starving know sound like relationship unhealthy ha nothing perfect loving caring believed recent wa ready spend whole life however hardly help contact situation like feel like wasting uni life running someone sure even know anymore despite know breaking hurt lot thought wa long run also medicine think could greatly impact degree unless figure,boyfriend tried kill know stay,sash ii mii,1882,77,sash ii mii boyfriend long distance relationship since five month known much longer uni started realised wanted date recently close cousin died car crash father passed away wa 14 also died car crash yesterday found sister wa hospital due car accident presuming much knew accident affected believe purposely kept telling wa going something stupid everything felt crazy inside kept telling loved needed sister family hardly reply asked going know even know situation dead alive coma eating inside know seems like best option wait agonising try get wait till know happened love lot unsure would person opportunity live life together anymore disappeared time every stressful break constantly eat starving know sound like relationship unhealthy ha nothing perfect loving caring believed recent wa ready spend whole life however hardly help contact situation like feel like wasting uni life running someone sure even know anymore despite know breaking hurt lot thought wa long run also medicine think could greatly impact degree unless figure boyfriend tried kill know stay
I want to die even tho it feels like i have been dead for years.,"Hello everyone i just want to tell u about my depression , loneliness, and general feeling of wanting to end this life for good. I dont even know why im doing this, idk what im looking for by posting. So... im very ashamed of my problems to the point where i feel ashamed writing this to the strangers that i wont ever see in my life... Since like 15 years ago my problem has been bad breath... and i really mean bad... cant erase it even directly after i brushed my teeth ... i have been trying to heal this sickness for a long time now with little success. Been to many doctors (free health care) i dont live in the US. Obviously im unemployed and cant afford to pay for the doctor, i stopped trying to go to the doctors after one of the doctor just laughed at me and my sickness... not literally but i could just feel how he didnt care at all and gave me a vibe of 'its not a sickness go home' So imagine me struggling to even talk openly to the doctor about it and receiving the 'ur nuts not sick' threatment from him. Im sure for people that dont have this problem its hard to understand why is it so hard for me? Let me put it like that , how would u feel if u stepped in a shit and couldnt wipe it off?Would u be comfortable walking around? standing next to someone? talking to someone? Obviously i dont even need to talk for someone to smell it, breathing thru nose is like same result, i got anxiety just by standing to someone, going to the shop is like climbing mount everest for me. I will achieve nothing in this life, none will want to have anything to do with person who smells... none will ever take serious someone like that... I just want to be able to interact with people...",bent10758,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdg5vg/i_want_to_die_even_tho_it_feels_like_i_have_been/,hello everyone want tell u depression loneliness general feeling wanting end life good dont even know im idk im looking posting im ashamed problem point feel ashamed writing stranger wont ever see life since like 15 year ago problem ha bad breath really mean bad cant erase even directly brushed teeth trying heal sickness long time little success many doctor free health care dont live u obviously im unemployed cant afford pay doctor stopped trying go doctor one doctor laughed sickness literally could feel didnt care gave vibe sickness go home imagine struggling even talk openly doctor receiving ur nut sick threatment im sure people dont problem hard understand hard let put like would u feel u stepped shit couldnt wipe would u comfortable walking around standing next someone talking someone obviously dont even need talk someone smell breathing thru nose like result got anxiety standing someone going shop like climbing mount everest achieve nothing life none want anything person smell none ever take serious someone like want able interact people,want die even tho feel like dead year,bent 10758,1694,64,bent 10758 hello everyone want tell u depression loneliness general feeling wanting end life good dont even know im idk im looking posting im ashamed problem point feel ashamed writing stranger wont ever see life since like 15 year ago problem ha bad breath really mean bad cant erase even directly brushed teeth trying heal sickness long time little success many doctor free health care dont live u obviously im unemployed cant afford pay doctor stopped trying go doctor one doctor laughed sickness literally could feel didnt care gave vibe sickness go home imagine struggling even talk openly doctor receiving ur nut sick threatment im sure people dont problem hard understand hard let put like would u feel u stepped shit couldnt wipe would u comfortable walking around standing next someone talking someone obviously dont even need talk someone smell breathing thru nose like result got anxiety standing someone going shop like climbing mount everest achieve nothing life none want anything person smell none ever take serious someone like want able interact people want die even tho feel like dead year
lost,"i just want to leave this world. i’m tired of being told that i’m no help, tired of feeling guilt and shame. i don’t want my mother and brother to feel the overwhelming feelings of sadness though. i don’t know what to do anymore. there’s no one to turn to, nothing left to do in this miserable life.",trumpsnuut,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdg3ti/lost/,want leave world tired told help tired feeling guilt shame want mother brother feel overwhelming feeling sadness though know anymore one turn nothing left miserable life,lost,trump n uut,299,4,trump n uut want leave world tired told help tired feeling guilt shame want mother brother feel overwhelming feeling sadness though know anymore one turn nothing left miserable life lost
"Voyage, Voyage!","Yesterdays brawl is enough for me. Just another reason to do it, and to be honest main reason of all the bad things happening, it's better to be abandoned, rather than have a ""family"" like that, if you can even call 1 parent that hates you, and blames for everything, a ""family"". 

I must admit, it felt good to say what I said, and do what I did. It feels so good to know it's soon to be over, I fear death, and pain, but the peace that comes afterwards is what I have been waiting all my life, honest smile. 

It's moments like that, that we are waiting for, a spark that lights the shit up, and helps it explode.

Desireless - Voyage Voyage, I love this song. Time to prepare! I wasn't expecting to be that long here, but the time has come, I remember every single time I did something. 

I will only miss my cat, but cats are traitorous by nature, unlike a dog I never had. 

PL, CK, PJP - 13.12.1987",Unhappy-Escape,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdg3gq/voyage_voyage/,yesterday brawl enough another reason honest main reason bad thing happening better abandoned rather family like even call 1 parent hate blame everything family must admit felt good say said feel good know soon fear death pain peace come afterwards waiting life honest smile moment like waiting spark light shit help explode desireless voyage voyage love song time prepare expecting long time ha come remember every single time something miss cat cat traitorous nature unlike dog never pl ck pjp 13 12 1987,voyage voyage,unhappy escape,904,15,unhappy escape yesterday brawl enough another reason honest main reason bad thing happening better abandoned rather family like even call 1 parent hate blame everything family must admit felt good say said feel good know soon fear death pain peace come afterwards waiting life honest smile moment like waiting spark light shit help explode desireless voyage voyage love song time prepare expecting long time ha come remember every single time something miss cat cat traitorous nature unlike dog never pl ck pjp 13 12 1987 voyage voyage
I can't talk,"I can't TALK about what I'm feeling, and this is so f-cking annoying, it's like I'm illiterate or something, because everytime I start writing on r/offmychest or whatever stupid community/website it feels like I'm so f-cking stupid and can't be helped, like I'm hopeless or something. Am I cursed or what?

It's too much that I want to talk but I have no one to talk to",hazzeFox,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fda16w/i_cant_talk/,talk feeling f cking annoying like illiterate something everytime start writing r offmychest whatever stupid community website feel like f cking stupid helped like hopeless something cursed much want talk one talk,talk,ha zz e fox,369,12,ha zz e fox talk feeling f cking annoying like illiterate something everytime start writing r offmychest whatever stupid community website feel like f cking stupid helped like hopeless something cursed much want talk one talk talk
Lost the battle,I'm sorry,CryForHelpp,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdg254/lost_the_battle/,sorry,lost battle,cry help p,9,15,cry help p sorry lost battle
Letter,"I have spent the past three days typing up a suicide letter, and as I near the end of it I find myself growing anxiety riddled and realizing how many people care enough about me in life that I felt the need to give an explanation to personally. 

So then I went back through and added a section for if I didn’t die by suicide, because part of me just doesn’t want to go through with it anymore after writing it, which I am pretty sure isn’t the point of a suicide letter but I care about them so much that I don’t want to imagine their faces when they read it. 

Everything has just been so hard recently, and I’m really tired both physically and emotionally. I am tired of all the losses, I am tired of classes, I am tired of the way some of my relationships are headed... I just want to rest and stop feeling so overwhelmed. I want to be there for my friends who are also struggling, one in particular who has been there for me more then anyone in my entire life and is potentially going through a similar problem as my own, but they haven’t been answering my text messages and I can only assume it’s because they don’t want to bother me. Now that I think about it, I never want to bother them either, which is why I bottle everything up. I wish society didn’t teach us that there are such things as “negative” emotions that need to be locked away from other people’s views. If we could all be honest with each other without feeling it’s a burden on those we love I wonder how many lives could be saved and how many deep conversations could be had with our loved ones. 

I just feel bad because if anything I just feel like I’m in the way of everyone else’s progress and just adding another problem on their mountain of problems. Everyone deserves better then me and I wish there was a way to get myself out the way that wouldn’t potentially hurt them more then I already am.",Hinatasamaa,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfvri/letter/,spent past three day typing suicide letter near end find growing anxiety riddled realizing many people care enough life felt need give explanation personally went back added section die suicide part want go anymore writing pretty sure point suicide letter care much want imagine face read everything ha hard recently really tired physically emotionally tired loss tired class tired way relationship headed want rest stop feeling overwhelmed want friend also struggling one particular ha anyone entire life potentially going similar problem answering text message assume want bother think never want bother either bottle everything wish society teach u thing negative emotion need locked away people view could honest without feeling burden love wonder many life could saved many deep conversation could loved one feel bad anything feel like way everyone else progress adding another problem mountain problem everyone deserves better wish wa way get way potentially hurt already,letter,h sama,1877,6,h sama spent past three day typing suicide letter near end find growing anxiety riddled realizing many people care enough life felt need give explanation personally went back added section die suicide part want go anymore writing pretty sure point suicide letter care much want imagine face read everything ha hard recently really tired physically emotionally tired loss tired class tired way relationship headed want rest stop feeling overwhelmed want friend also struggling one particular ha anyone entire life potentially going similar problem answering text message assume want bother think never want bother either bottle everything wish society teach u thing negative emotion need locked away people view could honest without feeling burden love wonder many life could saved many deep conversation could loved one feel bad anything feel like way everyone else progress adding another problem mountain problem everyone deserves better wish wa way get way potentially hurt already letter
Please help me,"Ive been feeling sad for unknown reasons for a year now. Where you'll wake up and feel empty all of a sudden and cry for no reason. Then there will be nights where i'll full on cry and hit my self till i feel numb. There's times where i tried overdosing different medicine.  I opened this stuff to my parents and said that i shouldnt feel that way because im living in a comfortable life they had to rant out and say when they were young life was harder and stuff. That i dont have the right to feel this way because they to were pressured back then. Then my step mom said that i should just die and to tell my real mom that she wished i was never born. I also opened about me  being stressed over school and how i want to give up. My step mom said that i shouldnt go to school anymore. Its just really triggering for me, i really want to die rn. The onlynthing that is holding me back is my bf, he said that i should fight and all. Idk whats hsppening to me someone help.",keyelem02,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfszr/please_help_me/,ive feeling sad unknown reason year wake feel empty sudden cry reason night full cry hit self till feel numb time tried overdosing different medicine opened stuff parent said shouldnt feel way im living comfortable life rant say young life wa harder stuff dont right feel way pressured back step mom said die tell real mom wished wa never born also opened stressed school want give step mom said shouldnt go school anymore really triggering really want die rn onlynthing holding back bf said fight idk whats hsppening someone help,please help,key el em 02,972,14,key el em 02 ive feeling sad unknown reason year wake feel empty sudden cry reason night full cry hit self till feel numb time tried overdosing different medicine opened stuff parent said shouldnt feel way im living comfortable life rant say young life wa harder stuff dont right feel way pressured back step mom said die tell real mom wished wa never born also opened stressed school want give step mom said shouldnt go school anymore really triggering really want die rn onlynthing holding back bf said fight idk whats hsppening someone help please help
"Turn 32 in April, no job, no friends, no girlfriend, no life at all.","Title says it all.

I have degrees but I have no confidence, I suffer from social anxiety and I have little work experience.

I lost all my friends years ago.

No romantic interest because I don't leave the house except for a morning run.

I feel totally lost. I have no idea what I am doing.

My parents are worried. I have let them down. They keep asking me what my plans are and I have no answer.

I don't want to see any family on my birthday. I am embarassed.

There is something fundamentally wrong with me. Is it depression? Maybe I am in a trance. I just keep repeating the same things day after day with no idea how to change.",sweathandsandfeet,14,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1nwi/turn_32_in_april_no_job_no_friends_no_girlfriend/,title say degree confidence suffer social anxiety little work experience lost friend year ago romantic interest leave house except morning run feel totally lost idea parent worried let keep asking plan answer want see family birthday embarassed something fundamentally wrong depression maybe trance keep repeating thing day day idea change,turn 32 april job friend girlfriend life,sweat hand foot,635,68,sweat hand foot title say degree confidence suffer social anxiety little work experience lost friend year ago romantic interest leave house except morning run feel totally lost idea parent worried let keep asking plan answer want see family birthday embarassed something fundamentally wrong depression maybe trance keep repeating thing day day idea change turn 32 april job friend girlfriend life
I'm scared,"I've decided to end my life tonight and I'm so scared. It's the only way out of my situation, but it terrifies me. I'm sorry. I hope I can go through with it.",throwaway_girl_83,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdj5rg/im_scared/,decided end life tonight scared way situation terrifies sorry hope go,scared,throwaway girl 83,158,10,throwaway girl 83 decided end life tonight scared way situation terrifies sorry hope go scared
What are good ways to keep a positive attitude?,I am in a dark place.  I've been in a dark place.  I want out. I need out.  Please.,1lbOfViettiBeefStew,14,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddl4n/what_are_good_ways_to_keep_a_positive_attitude/,dark place dark place want need please,good way keep positive attitude,1 lb viet ti beef stew,83,47,1 lb viet ti beef stew dark place dark place want need please good way keep positive attitude
Is overdosing painful?,Title,Redditfagthrowaway,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfgdp/is_overdosing_painful/,title,overdosing painful,reddit fag throwaway,5,22,reddit fag throwaway title overdosing painful
I probably wont make it to my 20s,"I'm a teenage boy, soon 18 years old and I am not doing well at all.

Most tragic thing that keeps bothering me on daily basis is that few months ago me and my exgirlfiend were still in a happy relationship. I saw myself sharing a future with her. I might have committed too much in the relationship, because it was something I always relied on. We had this weird phase of not talking much before breaking up. She constantly said she was busy with school work, family and hobbies. I believed her. She is a very work active person. One day, about few weeks ago she called me and said she thinks she is gay. I was heartbroken obviously. I still am. She has been seeing this girl a lot too. I cant stop thinking about the ''what ifs''.  What if she was secretly cheating on me? What if she never even loved me? What if she dated me out of pity for 2 whole years? I can barely sleep at night thinking about this.

Not only am I going through a rough heartbreak, I am also struggling with quite severe loneliness. It is hard for me to admit, because I enjoy being alone, but it does make sense that I am seriously lonely. Few months ago I stopped going to school and after consulting with teachers we decided that it is the best for me to do school work from home. I never leave the house to go see friends. Hell I don't even think they want to see me. I am pretty sure if I just ended my life not many people would even remember me. My online friends cant even play video games with me, which would mean a lot if I could for once just do something fun with other people.

I am currently seeing a therapist. She has seen me at my worst. I never told her I was suicidal, but I'm sure she might know that already. My only solutions I can think of to get out of this hell is medication and waiting for some kind of a miracle to happen. If that doesn't work I really cannot see myself making it to my 20s or 30s. It sucks because I do want to live, but living with depression, loneliness, anxiety, heartbreak and all that kind of bs doesn't sounds worth it to me. I am going to end up being even more lonely soon once I move out. In a way that is good, because once I end it all even less people will be sad over it. I wont hurt others by going away.",samuele531,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfdr5/i_probably_wont_make_it_to_my_20s/,teenage boy soon 18 year old well tragic thing keep bothering daily basis month ago exgirlfiend still happy relationship saw sharing future might committed much relationship wa something always relied weird phase talking much breaking constantly said wa busy school work family hobby believed work active person one day week ago called said think gay wa heartbroken obviously still ha seeing girl lot cant stop thinking ifs wa secretly cheating never even loved dated pity 2 whole year barely sleep night thinking going rough heartbreak also struggling quite severe loneliness hard admit enjoy alone doe make sense seriously lonely month ago stopped going school consulting teacher decided best school work home never leave house go see friend hell even think want see pretty sure ended life many people would even remember online friend cant even play video game would mean lot could something fun people currently seeing therapist ha seen worst never told wa suicidal sure might know already solution think get hell medication waiting kind miracle happen work really cannot see making 20 30 suck want live living depression loneliness anxiety heartbreak kind b sound worth going end even lonely soon move way good end even le people sad wont hurt others going away,probably wont make 20,samuel e 531,2241,33,samuel e 531 teenage boy soon 18 year old well tragic thing keep bothering daily basis month ago exgirlfiend still happy relationship saw sharing future might committed much relationship wa something always relied weird phase talking much breaking constantly said wa busy school work family hobby believed work active person one day week ago called said think gay wa heartbroken obviously still ha seeing girl lot cant stop thinking ifs wa secretly cheating never even loved dated pity 2 whole year barely sleep night thinking going rough heartbreak also struggling quite severe loneliness hard admit enjoy alone doe make sense seriously lonely month ago stopped going school consulting teacher decided best school work home never leave house go see friend hell even think want see pretty sure ended life many people would even remember online friend cant even play video game would mean lot could something fun people currently seeing therapist ha seen worst never told wa suicidal sure might know already solution think get hell medication waiting kind miracle happen work really cannot see making 20 30 suck want live living depression loneliness anxiety heartbreak kind b sound worth going end even lonely soon move way good end even le people sad wont hurt others going away probably wont make 20
"Joining the sub, since I probably have no reason left to live","For context, I’m 19, in my first year of college, and for one month - since I failed one of my exams - I lost everything I thought I had. All my friends, my crush, and for a week now, my Dad, who just wants to be upset at me forever for not helping him to the end with carrying some construction material.

For one month, I’ve entered a downward spiral, amplified by events such as the rejection mentioned earlier, or not being able to give the license exam two days ago because of some stupid policemen who told me that I “didn’t pay the license tax” correctly. And not being able to make up with my Dad, who just hates me.

The final straw came an hour ago, when I got laughed at when I entered the classroom. Just because I happened to enter at the same time as some other older students who didn’t belong there.
When I left the college, no one noticed.

It is probably a matter of weeks or even days before I take my life. Nothing is worth it. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing can save me now. Nothing. And what’s more, no one (apart from probably my mother and sister) won’t miss me. But let’s be serious, they’ll live without me. And also, I’m sure no one will notice this post, in the heap of posts of people with more serious life issues. 

This is really what makes me a failure: not being able to live happily in a life which would seem ok to most people here.

So yeah.",potat315,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfcan/joining_the_sub_since_i_probably_have_no_reason/,context 19 first year college one month since failed one exam lost everything thought friend crush week dad want upset forever helping end carrying construction material one month entered downward spiral amplified event rejection mentioned earlier able give license exam two day ago stupid policeman told pay license tax correctly able make dad hate final straw came hour ago got laughed entered classroom happened enter time older student belong left college one noticed probably matter week even day take life nothing worth nothing make happy nothing save nothing one apart probably mother sister miss let serious live without also sure one notice post heap post people serious life issue really make failure able live happily life would seem ok people yeah,joining sub since probably reason left live,pot 315,1379,61,pot 315 context 19 first year college one month since failed one exam lost everything thought friend crush week dad want upset forever helping end carrying construction material one month entered downward spiral amplified event rejection mentioned earlier able give license exam two day ago stupid policeman told pay license tax correctly able make dad hate final straw came hour ago got laughed entered classroom happened enter time older student belong left college one noticed probably matter week even day take life nothing worth nothing make happy nothing save nothing one apart probably mother sister miss let serious live without also sure one notice post heap post people serious life issue really make failure able live happily life would seem ok people yeah joining sub since probably reason left live
My mum found my reddit post history so now I have to fake being ok,"I love my mum, she’s my mum for gods sake, but when I went to do something, she saw I was on here. Don’t get me wrong, it’s my fault for leaving my phone on the desk, but I’ve tried all I can. My mums put me in therapy but that’s not helping at all. I just don’t want to seem like I’m not okay because, for the past month, everyone walks on egg shells with me. I want to die, I haven’t got a reason to live other than ruin my life. I’ve been told that I matter but the words don’t mean anything when I’ve been told that I’m worthless and should give up. I’ve had to lie to my mum because I’ve been close to suicide multiple times. I turn 18 this year as well so then I’ll be out of the support of my parents. I feel lost. I want my mum to think I’m happy, yet, I’m so fucking suicidal I’ve lost so many people. I might as well be dead if I keep pushing people away",zamas2,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdf801/my_mum_found_my_reddit_post_history_so_now_i_have/,love mum mum god sake went something saw wa get wrong fault leaving phone desk tried mum put therapy helping want seem like okay past month everyone walk egg shell want die got reason live ruin life told matter word mean anything told worthless give lie mum close suicide multiple time turn 18 year well support parent feel lost want mum think happy yet fucking suicidal lost many people might well dead keep pushing people away,mum found reddit post history fake ok,zam 2,864,66,zam 2 love mum mum god sake went something saw wa get wrong fault leaving phone desk tried mum put therapy helping want seem like okay past month everyone walk egg shell want die got reason live ruin life told matter word mean anything told worthless give lie mum close suicide multiple time turn 18 year well support parent feel lost want mum think happy yet fucking suicidal lost many people might well dead keep pushing people away mum found reddit post history fake ok
I'm drinking myself to death and it is causing my family to be upset,"The reason I drink is to self medicate because I saw my friend pass away in a car accident when I was 19. We were both stupid and I challenged him to a race using our parents cars. Basically, he understeered into a tree. I have tried therapy but it didn't work for me. I was also diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I stopped taking my prescription because it didn't work for me. I feel that I have blood on my hands because I was the one who made him do it. 

My parents and grandfather came to me and told me that they were worried about my drinking problem. I sometimes drink a bottle of Vodka a day. I just want to drink myself to death because I'm too scared of killing myself. My granddad tried to relate to the situation by telling me about the things he was in Vietnam. I walked out because I was upset about everything. I now think that I was out of order and I would do anything to apologise. But at the same time, I feel that they shouldn't have bought my grandfather along because he is getting Parkinsons disease so I don't want him to worry about me as well.",Hlp4me,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdil6d/im_drinking_myself_to_death_and_it_is_causing_my/,reason drink self medicate saw friend pas away car accident wa 19 stupid challenged race using parent car basically understeered tree tried therapy work wa also diagnosed ptsd depression stopped taking prescription work feel blood hand wa one made parent grandfather came told worried drinking problem sometimes drink bottle vodka day want drink death scared killing granddad tried relate situation telling thing wa vietnam walked wa upset everything think wa order would anything apologise time feel bought grandfather along getting parkinson disease want worry well,drinking death causing family upset,h lp 4,1072,68,h lp 4 reason drink self medicate saw friend pas away car accident wa 19 stupid challenged race using parent car basically understeered tree tried therapy work wa also diagnosed ptsd depression stopped taking prescription work feel blood hand wa one made parent grandfather came told worried drinking problem sometimes drink bottle vodka day want drink death scared killing granddad tried relate situation telling thing wa vietnam walked wa upset everything think wa order would anything apologise time feel bought grandfather along getting parkinson disease want worry well drinking death causing family upset
Can't forget the girl I love since high school,"I can't forget her. I love her. I want her so much 

But she hates me. Blocked for a year.

I'm 25 and never had a relationship 


I feel humiliated that I never got a proper chance 

If I can't be with her, I will kill myself",Vivid-Smile,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdf3lu/cant_forget_the_girl_i_love_since_high_school/,forget love want much hate blocked year 25 never relationship feel humiliated never got proper chance kill,forget girl love since high school,vivid smile,226,46,vivid smile forget love want much hate blocked year 25 never relationship feel humiliated never got proper chance kill forget girl love since high school
Honestly I just need advice,"I’m only 14, but I’ve been through 3 abusive parents, my mother is slowly going insane because she won’t accept that my sisters and I are growing up, so we have no freedoms whatsoever, I’m suffering from severe anxiety and depression, and I’m rapidly losing my vision, and the only reason I haven’t killed myself is my friends from band, but I don’t hang out with them because I feel like I’m a burden on everyone around me, I feel like people think I’m annoying, and I don’t want to subject them to that, so I kind of avoid people when I can. Idk what to do.",Bruh72705,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8to3/honestly_i_just_need_advice/,14 3 abusive parent mother slowly going insane accept sister growing freedom whatsoever suffering severe anxiety depression rapidly losing vision reason killed friend band hang feel like burden everyone around feel like people think annoying want subject kind avoid people idk,honestly need advice,b ruh 72705,559,27,b ruh 72705 14 3 abusive parent mother slowly going insane accept sister growing freedom whatsoever suffering severe anxiety depression rapidly losing vision reason killed friend band hang feel like burden everyone around feel like people think annoying want subject kind avoid people idk honestly need advice
My ex attempted suicide,"I got way too attached and when she ghosted me I wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t. So I hated myself. At one point the only thing holding me back was the thought of living if I failed. 
Fast forward a year out of no where she attempts suicide. It made me realize how much I still cared about her. I don’t feel like I deserve to be as broken down as I am though. I cared so much about her and she probably didn’t even think of me for a moment. I was just another stupid dude to her. Everything about it is fueling my self hatred.",poopedsock,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdibnn/my_ex_attempted_suicide/,got way attached ghosted wanted hate hated one point thing holding back wa thought living failed fast forward year attempt suicide made realize much still cared feel like deserve broken though cared much probably even think moment wa another stupid dude everything fueling self hatred,ex attempted suicide,pooped sock,530,23,pooped sock got way attached ghosted wanted hate hated one point thing holding back wa thought living failed fast forward year attempt suicide made realize much still cared feel like deserve broken though cared much probably even think moment wa another stupid dude everything fueling self hatred ex attempted suicide
Need your help,"I go to this sub when ever I need help, and today I really need help, how do I make myself ill? I really need to get ill so I don’t go back to the psychiatric ward but instead go to general hospital, please help.",snakesnack148,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdetyp/need_your_help/,go sub ever need help today really need help make ill really need get ill go back psychiatric ward instead go general hospital please help,need help,snake snack 148,212,14,snake snack 148 go sub ever need help today really need help make ill really need get ill go back psychiatric ward instead go general hospital please help need help
Everything's been so hard after the psych ward.,"Throwaway, because all my friends and such know my account. I know they care, and that's what hurts me the most.

My head has always been a conflicting cloud of thoughts.

I keep thinking if I were to die, maybe everybody would be happier. Maybe I'll stop being such a fuck up. Maybe everybody would think of me as this better version of myself after I'm gone.

I'm young, and I know there's so much ahead for me, that maybe one day things will get better. But it's been so incredibly hard, and I don't think I can do it anymore. My stay at the psych ward made me behind in school, it made me feel selfish for wanting to work on myself, that I was causing pain for others.

I sometimes think that maybe if I was gone, people wouldn't need to worry anymore.

I wouldn't need to go chat to certain people to feel better.

I wouldn't stay in bed and cry all day about how much I just want to disappear.

I've been thinking about hanging myself, but after reading about how much it gets fucked up, I'm starting to think of a different method.

I don't know.

I just feel as if today is going to be my last.",thoughtsthrowawy,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdi767/everythings_been_so_hard_after_the_psych_ward/,throwaway friend know account know care hurt head ha always conflicting cloud thought keep thinking die maybe everybody would happier maybe stop fuck maybe everybody would think better version gone young know much ahead maybe one day thing get better incredibly hard think anymore stay psych ward made behind school made feel selfish wanting work wa causing pain others sometimes think maybe wa gone people need worry anymore need go chat certain people feel better stay bed cry day much want disappear thinking hanging reading much get fucked starting think different method know feel today going last,everything hard psych ward,thought throw awy,1102,47,thought throw awy throwaway friend know account know care hurt head ha always conflicting cloud thought keep thinking die maybe everybody would happier maybe stop fuck maybe everybody would think better version gone young know much ahead maybe one day thing get better incredibly hard think anymore stay psych ward made behind school made feel selfish wanting work wa causing pain others sometimes think maybe wa gone people need worry anymore need go chat certain people feel better stay bed cry day much want disappear thinking hanging reading much get fucked starting think different method know feel today going last everything hard psych ward
When people see weakness they exploit it.,"If you're fuvked up in the head at this point which I'm assuming you are enough, such that even if you want to, your body does not do as you want it to. You want to run but it doesn't move, you want to scream and shout for help but are to afraid to, you try not to look like your eyes are gonna pop out from your skull any minute and you try to control your fast breathing and trembling voice when you're trying to seem unaffected by the things that remind you of your trauma But it doesn't obey you. Your body is as though it doesn't care that they look exposed and scared and weak in the eyes of those who want to harm it. And these people enjoy it, the pain your in and inflict more onto you for their own amusement. It's sickening, this world we live in with these monsters called humans. Donkeys are used as a degrading term but they are far better then us in regards to empathy, love and care. We probably are an insult to them and this world as a whole.",Aimsm,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd96h5/when_people_see_weakness_they_exploit_it/,fuvked head point assuming enough even want body doe want want run move want scream shout help afraid try look like eye gonna pop skull minute try control fast breathing trembling voice trying seem unaffected thing remind trauma obey body though care look exposed scared weak eye want harm people enjoy pain inflict onto amusement sickening world live monster called human donkey used degrading term far better u regard empathy love care probably insult world whole,people see weakness exploit,aim,960,41,aim fuvked head point assuming enough even want body doe want want run move want scream shout help afraid try look like eye gonna pop skull minute try control fast breathing trembling voice trying seem unaffected thing remind trauma obey body though care look exposed scared weak eye want harm people enjoy pain inflict onto amusement sickening world live monster called human donkey used degrading term far better u regard empathy love care probably insult world whole people see weakness exploit
Am I a bad person?,"My Step-Grandmother, who has been extremely abusive and toxic to myself and my Mother all of our lives got diagnosed with cancer last year. It’s not terminal at this time. However, she has required us to dedicate much of our time to her. She no longer has a car for whatever reason so I am forced to drive her around all day, everyday. My Mother has to grocery shop for her constantly and buy her food constantly. She is still extremely abusive and no matter how much I help out, she still abuses me and it’s never enough. She resents my Grandfather for passing away earlier in his life even though he died in his sleep of a heart attack. Before he passed she was still extremely abusive. But it’s now at an all time high because of her condition. Does it make me a bad person for wanting her to die so we can finally be at peace? I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety since a very young age and this on top of it all has been VERY hard on me. I’m at the end of my rope.",Mean-Hearing,12,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdi32a/am_i_a_bad_person/,step grandmother ha extremely abusive toxic mother life got diagnosed cancer last year terminal time however ha required u dedicate much time longer ha car whatever reason forced drive around day everyday mother ha grocery shop constantly buy food constantly still extremely abusive matter much help still abuse never enough resents grandfather passing away earlier life even though died sleep heart attack passed wa still extremely abusive time high condition doe make bad person wanting die finally peace struggled severe depression anxiety since young age top ha hard end rope,bad person,mean hearing,984,18,mean hearing step grandmother ha extremely abusive toxic mother life got diagnosed cancer last year terminal time however ha required u dedicate much time longer ha car whatever reason forced drive around day everyday mother ha grocery shop constantly buy food constantly still extremely abusive matter much help still abuse never enough resents grandfather passing away earlier life even though died sleep heart attack passed wa still extremely abusive time high condition doe make bad person wanting die finally peace struggled severe depression anxiety since young age top ha hard end rope bad person
This might be my last day.,I finally decided after several attempts on my life that this will be the last one. Theres an overpass for a busy interstate by my house. The height and speed of the cars should be enough to take me out once and for all. I'm so god damn alone and I feel guilty that people care about me. All i have to keep me going is my dog but I dont think she'll stop me this time. I'm a total fuck up who's ruined every positive thing in his life. I'm 17 and have no future no will to live. It's been this way everyday for over three years. My times come and I'm not afraid to say goodbye anymore.,Silverdaddy21,15,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhvux/this_might_be_my_last_day/,finally decided several attempt life last one overpass busy interstate house height speed car enough take god damn alone feel guilty people care keep going dog dont think stop time total fuck ruined every positive thing life 17 future live way everyday three year time come afraid say goodbye anymore,might last day,silver daddy 21,585,26,silver daddy 21 finally decided several attempt life last one overpass busy interstate house height speed car enough take god damn alone feel guilty people care keep going dog dont think stop time total fuck ruined every positive thing life 17 future live way everyday three year time come afraid say goodbye anymore might last day
Do depression medications really cure it or is there no way to get better?,"I haven't any hope but medications... So if it don't work, there's nothing that can help me because I already tried everything for getting better and I'm tired of being alive...",Raven_Etoile,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhvps/do_depression_medications_really_cure_it_or_is/,hope medication work nothing help already tried everything getting better tired alive,depression medication really cure way get better,raven e toile,177,74,raven e toile hope medication work nothing help already tried everything getting better tired alive depression medication really cure way get better
I'm just so tired.,"It's 4 am for me. Stuck alone in my room with my thoughts and I don't know why I'm even posting about any of this but I just have no one to turn too.

A little background information about me to help paint a picture. I'm 21 and gay and I am depressed, alone, filled with anxiety, and extremely suicidal. There really hasn't been a day that has gone by where I don't think about killing myself, negative thoughts about myself, just bursting into tears alone in my room or just in public.

The pain that I am feeling is completely unbearable, I'm just so tired of even living and moving forward in this life when I just don't think worth it. My whole life I just have been faced with pain and pain and pain again and I just keep trying and I'm just so tired. I'm tired of this life. Tired of the pain and just tired with myself.

I have come to the realization that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, or how hard I try to become someone else. I just will never be good enough, that has always been what my life has been about. I don't even know who I am anymore, I look in the mirror and I just don't recognize who I am anymore let alone know who I am anymore. Sounds weird, I know. It's just I was never happy with who I was as a person and that always fucked me up then I try being other people and that always fucked me up so I just never win. It's just so fucking disheartening and gruesome to just always be put back in this hellish place of just never being enough, uglyness, trying so hard and getting fucked and this whole stupid ass existence.

I just don't see a future anymore. I don't want to see tomorrow anymore. I'm constantly wishing for death. Hoping I get run over by a car, get in an accident, OD on anything. Just something that will take this pain away.

I have been feeling this way for years and years and I just never seem to get a break, not even for a single moment. I am always brought back here. This is all I never know. I don't deserve love or happiness or even a glimpse of joy. I'm always there for others and I try my best to be supportive to show my love and care but when it come's to me I just don't get it.

I'm ready to go. I say that every day and yet I'm still here.... I don't know why that is though. But at the same time I just feel like i'm one step closer to pushing the trigger and ending it all. Sorry for my foolishness. I probably will delete. But hey if I ever end up doing it, my thoughts will be here.

​

Infinitely yours,

Luthien.",LuthienElentari,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdai0u/im_just_so_tired/,4 stuck alone room thought know even posting one turn little background information help paint picture 21 gay depressed alone filled anxiety extremely suicidal really day ha gone think killing negative thought bursting tear alone room public pain feeling completely unbearable tired even living moving forward life think worth whole life faced pain pain pain keep trying tired tired life tired pain tired come realization matter matter hard try hard try become someone else never good enough ha always life ha even know anymore look mirror recognize anymore let alone know anymore sound weird know wa never happy wa person always fucked try people always fucked never win fucking disheartening gruesome always put back hellish place never enough uglyness trying hard getting fucked whole stupid existence see future anymore want see tomorrow anymore constantly wishing death hoping get run car get accident od anything something take pain away feeling way year year never seem get break even single moment always brought back never know deserve love happiness even glimpse joy always others try best supportive show love care come get ready go say every day yet still know though time feel like one step closer pushing trigger ending sorry foolishness probably delete hey ever end thought amp x200b infinitely luthien,tired,luth ene lent ari,2506,18,luth ene lent ari 4 stuck alone room thought know even posting one turn little background information help paint picture 21 gay depressed alone filled anxiety extremely suicidal really day ha gone think killing negative thought bursting tear alone room public pain feeling completely unbearable tired even living moving forward life think worth whole life faced pain pain pain keep trying tired tired life tired pain tired come realization matter matter hard try hard try become someone else never good enough ha always life ha even know anymore look mirror recognize anymore let alone know anymore sound weird know wa never happy wa person always fucked try people always fucked never win fucking disheartening gruesome always put back hellish place never enough uglyness trying hard getting fucked whole stupid existence see future anymore want see tomorrow anymore constantly wishing death hoping get run car get accident od anything something take pain away feeling way year year never seem get break even single moment always brought back never know deserve love happiness even glimpse joy always others try best supportive show love care come get ready go say every day yet still know though time feel like one step closer pushing trigger ending sorry foolishness probably delete hey ever end thought amp x200b infinitely luthien tired
Detergent suicide,Does anyone know specific names of cleaning products to mix to kill oneself?,peee-poopy-pee-head,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhqxo/detergent_suicide/,doe anyone know specific name cleaning product mix kill oneself,detergent suicide,pee e poop pee head,76,17,pee e poop pee head doe anyone know specific name cleaning product mix kill oneself detergent suicide
I want to do it tonight,"I tried yesterday and failed.... 
Life is a long journey but i dont think im strong enough to keep going. Everything hurts and i havent been able to think clearly for days... i feel so alone 

Will thinks be alright?",Zecel,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhlev/i_want_to_do_it_tonight/,tried yesterday failed life long journey dont think im strong enough keep going everything hurt havent able think clearly day feel alone think alright,want tonight,ze cel,216,23,ze cel tried yesterday failed life long journey dont think im strong enough keep going everything hurt havent able think clearly day feel alone think alright want tonight
I’m so tired of it all,"It’s your average story everyone’s heard: no friends, broken family, bullied throughout elementary and high school, rough breakup, only escapes through drugs and self harm. I just can’t take it anymore i feel so worthless, I’m turning 18 this year and i think i can no longer go on like this i’ve wanted to die since i was 11. why is life so painful every day is a constantly struggle for me and i can’t even find motivation to keep going on. I cant even picture myself as an adult, i see nothing. These are all just words i cant even put together properly without autocorrect cause i’m crying too much, i just want to feel okay. How does being loved feel like? I’ve only felt it once with someone who changed their mind and started caring about somebody else in that particular way and broke off all contact with me. I’m so tired of people giving me “tough love” and saying my decisions are selfish, i know i am, it’s just making it worst. I just want it all to stop, but it never did. “It gets better” is burned into my mind but when does it? I’ve been trying so hard to continue on and make improvements but it always ends back at square one. I’ve never been this insistent on dying in my life, there are only liars and shitty people on this earth. Nobody seems to care or listen unless there’s something in for them",tiredlucifer,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhjhc/im_so_tired_of_it_all/,average story everyone heard friend broken family bullied throughout elementary high school rough breakup escape drug self harm take anymore feel worthless turning 18 year think longer go like wanted die since wa 11 life painful every day constantly struggle even find motivation keep going cant even picture adult see nothing word cant even put together properly without autocorrect cause cry much want feel okay doe loved feel like felt someone changed mind started caring somebody else particular way broke contact tired people giving tough love saying decision selfish know making worst want stop never get better burned mind doe trying hard continue make improvement always end back square one never insistent dying life liar shitty people earth nobody seems care listen unless something,tired,tired lucifer,1319,22,tired lucifer average story everyone heard friend broken family bullied throughout elementary high school rough breakup escape drug self harm take anymore feel worthless turning 18 year think longer go like wanted die since wa 11 life painful every day constantly struggle even find motivation keep going cant even picture adult see nothing word cant even put together properly without autocorrect cause cry much want feel okay doe loved feel like felt someone changed mind started caring somebody else particular way broke contact tired people giving tough love saying decision selfish know making worst want stop never get better burned mind doe trying hard continue make improvement always end back square one never insistent dying life liar shitty people earth nobody seems care listen unless something tired
Helping a friend,"Hey everyone,

I have a friend who lost her brother to suicide before Thanksgiving.

She's been having bouts of depression, and I want to know how I can help her. Our work therapy hasn't helped her at all by dismissing her after 3 sessions by assuming she ""seems fine."" She has taken the first step by opening up to me.

Thank you in advance to those who take the time to help.",xocarino,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdhi7b/helping_a_friend/,hey everyone friend lost brother suicide thanksgiving bout depression want know help work therapy helped dismissing 3 session assuming seems fine ha taken first step opening thank advance take time help,helping friend,xo carino,377,16,xo carino hey everyone friend lost brother suicide thanksgiving bout depression want know help work therapy helped dismissing 3 session assuming seems fine ha taken first step opening thank advance take time help helping friend
How do I get the courage to commit suicide?,"How do I get past my own body protecting me and keeping me alive? I have nobody to talk to, no job skills, and no highschool diploma. I am disabled but I cannot even get disability. 

I want to commit suicide, I have wanted to for a long time. I have nobody to tlak to and the doctors here will never provide adequate help. ow do I push myself past that point?",1hsayg1,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fde31f/how_do_i_get_the_courage_to_commit_suicide/,get past body protecting keeping alive nobody talk job skill highschool diploma disabled cannot even get disability want commit suicide wanted long time nobody tlak doctor never provide adequate help ow push past point,get courage commit suicide,1 h say g 1,360,43,1 h say g 1 get past body protecting keeping alive nobody talk job skill highschool diploma disabled cannot even get disability want commit suicide wanted long time nobody tlak doctor never provide adequate help ow push past point get courage commit suicide
idea,"i feel like i’m probably gonna kill myself friday, i don’t even know why anymore",magnifiedhope,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddqdq/idea/,feel like probably gonna kill friday even know anymore,idea,magnified hope,80,4,magnified hope feel like probably gonna kill friday even know anymore idea
This quote is fucking me up,"“Only optimists commit suicide—optimists who no longer succeed at being optimists... The others, having no reason to live, why would they have any to die?”
-Emil Cioran",unrulyhair,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5emh/this_quote_is_fucking_me_up/,optimist commit suicide optimist longer succeed optimist others reason live would die emil cioran,quote fucking,unruly hair,168,27,unruly hair optimist commit suicide optimist longer succeed optimist others reason live would die emil cioran quote fucking
Please remember this,"Okay, let me tell you something. This is not out of the blue or anything. This is from my experience as well others.
When someone attempts suicide or seems to show suicidal traits, you are not supposed to hit them with aggressive sentences like ""Are you crazy? What the fuck is wrong with you?"" and insensitive sentences like ""Maybe, try this, it will help you die easily"" or ""Suicide is for the cowards"".
For a moment, take a step back and stand in their shoes. Try to understand, why they took such a big step. Ask questions like ""Are you feeling fine?"" ""Are you okay?"" ""Do you wanna talk about it?"" and ""I'm always here"".
That's the sign of an emotionally mature person who knows what to say when.
Do not also try to justify their actions by comparing your pain to theirs. Their journey, their struggles, their hurt are absolutely different from yours. Their tolerance level is different. You're not doing any good by constantly showering comparisons in disguise of advices.
Be considerate, be kind and approach such people gently. So many of you have to learn this that it deeply saddens me.",_xyoungbellax_,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8d4y/please_remember_this/,okay let tell something blue anything experience well others someone attempt suicide seems show suicidal trait supposed hit aggressive sentence like crazy fuck wrong insensitive sentence like maybe try help die easily suicide coward moment take step back stand shoe try understand took big step ask question like feeling fine okay wanna talk always sign emotionally mature person know say also try justify action comparing pain journey struggle hurt absolutely different tolerance level different good constantly showering comparison disguise advice considerate kind approach people gently many learn deeply saddens,please remember,x young bella x,1095,20,x young bella x okay let tell something blue anything experience well others someone attempt suicide seems show suicidal trait supposed hit aggressive sentence like crazy fuck wrong insensitive sentence like maybe try help die easily suicide coward moment take step back stand shoe try understand took big step ask question like feeling fine okay wanna talk always sign emotionally mature person know say also try justify action comparing pain journey struggle hurt absolutely different tolerance level different good constantly showering comparison disguise advice considerate kind approach people gently many learn deeply saddens please remember
I hate encouragement,"(Disclaimer that I get suicidal ideation in a more ongoing ""casual"" form, so might not resonate with everyone.)

What I would give for someone to say, ""I understand you're struggling, and I will understand if you choose to end it.""

Even my friends who get suicidal ideation come from a perspective of it being something you'll get through. They talk about how meds have helped them. Or about how they've become more resilient. And they'll say they'll help and encourage you the whole way.

But I don't want someone to encourage me. I want someone to sit with me and say, ""Yeah that really sucks."" To say, ""It's okay if you can't handle it."" Or even, ""I'll help you end the pain.""

I wouldn't do anything, would never take them up on it. But it would be so incredibly validating. 

I want to be heard; I want to be understood. I'm on meds, I'm in therapy, I'm resilient. I know I'm doing all the right things. Just please stop telling me I'm going to be okay, and listen to me when I say I'm not.",xxonemoredayxx,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd46vq/i_hate_encouragement/,disclaimer get suicidal ideation ongoing casual form might resonate everyone would give someone say understand struggling understand choose end even friend get suicidal ideation come perspective something get talk med helped become resilient say help encourage whole way want someone encourage want someone sit say yeah really suck say okay handle even help end pain anything would never take would incredibly validating want heard want understood med therapy resilient know right thing please stop telling going okay listen say,hate encouragement,xx one day xx,996,20,xx one day xx disclaimer get suicidal ideation ongoing casual form might resonate everyone would give someone say understand struggling understand choose end even friend get suicidal ideation come perspective something get talk med helped become resilient say help encourage whole way want someone encourage want someone sit say yeah really suck say okay handle even help end pain anything would never take would incredibly validating want heard want understood med therapy resilient know right thing please stop telling going okay listen say hate encouragement
Looking for ideas,What’s the best way to kill yourself?,roobs16,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgvrv/looking_for_ideas/,best way kill,looking idea,roo b 16,37,17,roo b 16 best way kill looking idea
I've finally given in,"This is it I guess, I've finally grown the balls to fulfil my plan. Hopefully, if all goes well and all of you won't have to deal with me again. Thanks for putting up with me for this long, I love yall.  ✌️",thathumbletrashcan,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgpf2/ive_finally_given_in/,guess finally grown ball fulfil plan hopefully go well deal thanks putting long love yall,finally given,humble trashcan,206,21,humble trashcan guess finally grown ball fulfil plan hopefully go well deal thanks putting long love yall finally given
"Just fucked my record of 6 months without cutting, my whole arm and stomach is covered in blood",There’s no point in even trying anymore. It’s always the same pain.,Thexicuiter,18,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fddb1v/just_fucked_my_record_of_6_months_without_cutting/,point even trying anymore always pain,fucked record 6 month without cutting whole arm stomach covered blood,xi cui ter,67,95,xi cui ter point even trying anymore always pain fucked record 6 month without cutting whole arm stomach covered blood
i can't do this shit anymore,"""I swear to God, I wanna just slit my wrists and end this bullshit. 

Throw the Magnum to my head, threaten to pull shit. 

And squeeze...until the bed's,

completely red. I'm glad I'm dead.""
 
- The Notorious B.I.G.",ThatMLGDuck,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6fco/i_cant_do_this_shit_anymore/,swear god wanna slit wrist end bullshit throw magnum head threaten pull shit squeeze bed completely red glad dead notorious b g,shit anymore,lg duck,216,28,lg duck swear god wanna slit wrist end bullshit throw magnum head threaten pull shit squeeze bed completely red glad dead notorious b g shit anymore
Live with mental and verbal abuse or die alone or kill myself?,I have some pretty bad depression and I've been thinking about killing myself for a while but I have a 10 month old son and I want to be here for him but my wife hates me and makes me feel like the absolutely worst peice of shit ever and when she leaves me (because I know she will) I don't think I can handle not seeing my son.  She is the only woman who would agree to marry me because I'm fat and gross and have no money and the only reason she has stayed is because she knows she can treat my like shit and I wont leave.  I just want to be loved and have someone care about me but this marriage is circling the drain and I have no idea what to do.    If you read all this I'm sorry you wasted your time I just really needed to vent some stuff.,Log-Jezus,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgef1/live_with_mental_and_verbal_abuse_or_die_alone_or/,pretty bad depression thinking killing 10 month old son want wife hate make feel like absolutely worst peice shit ever leaf know think handle seeing son woman would agree marry fat gross money reason ha stayed know treat like shit wont leave want loved someone care marriage circling drain idea read sorry wasted time really needed vent stuff,live mental verbal abuse die alone kill,log j ez u,747,62,log j ez u pretty bad depression thinking killing 10 month old son want wife hate make feel like absolutely worst peice shit ever leaf know think handle seeing son woman would agree marry fat gross money reason ha stayed know treat like shit wont leave want loved someone care marriage circling drain idea read sorry wasted time really needed vent stuff live mental verbal abuse die alone kill
I feel like I'm going to end up killing myself no matter what,"I'm 24, all I have is a shitty degree in translation, no job, no close friends. I feel like such a disappointment, my life is going nowhere, I wake up and I have to face that I'm a faliure compared to my sister and brother every single day. I see no point in living, I'm just a burden to my parents so I feel like it doesnt matter what happens in the future, I'll end up killing myself. I know is going to sound dramatic but I feel it in my cells - I'm going to kill myself at some point in my life. I wish I could do it right now but at least I wanna save some money to pay for the funeral and the other stuff. I don't wanna be a burden in death lol.",ranitabby,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5it6/i_feel_like_im_going_to_end_up_killing_myself_no/,24 shitty degree translation job close friend feel like disappointment life going nowhere wake face faliure compared sister brother every single day see point living burden parent feel like doesnt matter happens future end killing know going sound dramatic feel cell going kill point life wish could right least wanna save money pay funeral stuff wanna burden death lol,feel like going end killing matter,rani tabby,651,61,rani tabby 24 shitty degree translation job close friend feel like disappointment life going nowhere wake face faliure compared sister brother every single day see point living burden parent feel like doesnt matter happens future end killing know going sound dramatic feel cell going kill point life wish could right least wanna save money pay funeral stuff wanna burden death lol feel like going end killing matter
im a ticking bomb,emptypost,elianystinks,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd96xf/im_a_ticking_bomb/,emptypost,im ticking bomb,eli stink,9,17,eli stink emptypost im ticking bomb
I don't know what to do.,"I'm 28m, I moved back in with my parents when my house was sold out from under me.  I've been slowly deteriorating.  I've considered suicide since I was in middleschool.  And attempted sometimes halfheartedly, a handful of times.

​

I feel empty.  Like I don't belong.  I have been single for the last 6 years.  Not counting short relationships.  I haven't gone to college.  I have no desire to continue living.

​

When I was younger suicide was a strong but fleeting feeling.  It would hit me like a train but if I held on for long enough it would disappear like a light being switched off.  As I grow older it seems that those feelings that before were quick, are no constant.  Suicide is almost always on my mind.  And my determination to succeed seems to have strengthened.  


I have very little to complain about in life.  I have a job, I'm saving money.  I have some fantastic friends, and I live in a beautiful part of the world.  


I am alone though.  Every attempt I've made at having a relationship with a woman has failed.  Not always because of me.  But the feeling of being empty and alone is unbearable.  Partnership is hardwired into our dna and I seem to have been born into the perfect brain for avoiding it.

​

I just don't know what to do.  I want to end it.  I'm worried what it might do to my parents.  They are already on the  edge of a divorce that I believe has been coming since I was very young.  They have already shown themselves to be fairly incapable when it comes to helping me with my mental issues.  They knew I had ADD as a child but did nothing about it.  Hoping it would go away.  They've taken me to therapy for my depression, but I find it difficult to be honest about my feelings when I'm face to face with someone.  Because the few times I have been, it has lead to a response consisting of distance, and alienation, not compassion or empathy.  And even more often the simple words ""suck it up"".

​

I'm fairly sure I'll die by suicide.  Likely within the next few years.  My only goal is to try and patch up my relationships with family and loved ones so that  I can send myself off with the least amount of guilt possible.  I don't want to tear peoples lives apart.  I just wish I had never been born.  I don't feel lovable.  I don't feel as if I can really trust anyone.

​

I know I should fight it.  But after 28 years.  I don't know if I have the strength.  I just want to stop feeling alone, and empty.",Lucid_Sandwich,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd96d7/i_dont_know_what_to_do/,28m moved back parent house wa sold slowly deteriorating considered suicide since wa middleschool attempted sometimes halfheartedly handful time amp x200b feel empty like belong single last 6 year counting short relationship gone college desire continue living amp x200b wa younger suicide wa strong fleeting feeling would hit like train held long enough would disappear like light switched grow older seems feeling quick constant suicide almost always mind determination succeed seems strengthened little complain life job saving money fantastic friend live beautiful part world alone though every attempt made relationship woman ha failed always feeling empty alone unbearable partnership hardwired dna seem born perfect brain avoiding amp x200b know want end worried might parent already edge divorce believe ha coming since wa young already shown fairly incapable come helping mental issue knew add child nothing hoping would go away taken therapy depression find difficult honest feeling face face someone time ha lead response consisting distance alienation compassion empathy even often simple word suck amp x200b fairly sure die suicide likely within next year goal try patch relationship family loved one send least amount guilt possible want tear people life apart wish never born feel lovable feel really trust anyone amp x200b know fight 28 year know strength want stop feeling alone empty,know,lucid sandwich,2509,24,lucid sandwich 28m moved back parent house wa sold slowly deteriorating considered suicide since wa middleschool attempted sometimes halfheartedly handful time amp x200b feel empty like belong single last 6 year counting short relationship gone college desire continue living amp x200b wa younger suicide wa strong fleeting feeling would hit like train held long enough would disappear like light switched grow older seems feeling quick constant suicide almost always mind determination succeed seems strengthened little complain life job saving money fantastic friend live beautiful part world alone though every attempt made relationship woman ha failed always feeling empty alone unbearable partnership hardwired dna seem born perfect brain avoiding amp x200b know want end worried might parent already edge divorce believe ha coming since wa young already shown fairly incapable come helping mental issue knew add child nothing hoping would go away taken therapy depression find difficult honest feeling face face someone time ha lead response consisting distance alienation compassion empathy even often simple word suck amp x200b fairly sure die suicide likely within next year goal try patch relationship family loved one send least amount guilt possible want tear people life apart wish never born feel lovable feel really trust anyone amp x200b know fight 28 year know strength want stop feeling alone empty know
I've given myself until my birthday,"Throwaway account. Not like it matters. Today I wrote suicide notes to my mom and boyfriend. I feel so guilty but things have really taken a bad turn and I can't do it anymore. I miss how things were. I told my boyfriend I'd stay alive until my birthday, which is in 18 days, and if nothing has improved despite my efforts by then, then I'm going to do it. But if I'm being honest, I don't know if I can stick around that long. It keeps getting worse. I hate feeling this way.",sadgirlthrowaway6,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgcex/ive_given_myself_until_my_birthday/,throwaway account like matter today wrote suicide note mom boyfriend feel guilty thing really taken bad turn anymore miss thing told boyfriend stay alive birthday 18 day nothing ha improved despite effort going honest know stick around long keep getting worse hate feeling way,given birthday,sad girl throwaway 6,476,35,sad girl throwaway 6 throwaway account like matter today wrote suicide note mom boyfriend feel guilty thing really taken bad turn anymore miss thing told boyfriend stay alive birthday 18 day nothing ha improved despite effort going honest know stick around long keep getting worse hate feeling way given birthday
I'm not adding any value to the workplace (internship) and there's no one to guide me through any of the work. I feel worthless piece of shit. I feel it's partly my fault. No one cares here and I believe I got some undiagnosed dperession,"I've made a whole google doc sheet about how I'm going to kill myself and it looks pretty good with 31 ways in the list. I don't have any emotional support around, my mum would just give me silent treatment when I say how I feel. I get anxiety attacks often a lot of times and it's really hard for me to open up around here. Should've just stayed in college than come at the wrong place (ie. Here). When I get any idea of my own, they'd shut it down or give no response. I don't know if I'm even going to survive in any corporate workplace.",brokenpotat,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdd3ri/im_not_adding_any_value_to_the_workplace/,made whole google doc sheet going kill look pretty good 31 way list emotional support around mum would give silent treatment say feel get anxiety attack often lot time really hard open around stayed college come wrong place ie get idea shut give response know even going survive corporate workplace,adding value workplace internship one guide work feel worthless piece shit feel partly fault one care believe got undiagnosed dperession,broken pot,540,237,broken pot made whole google doc sheet going kill look pretty good 31 way list emotional support around mum would give silent treatment say feel get anxiety attack often lot time really hard open around stayed college come wrong place ie get idea shut give response know even going survive corporate workplace adding value workplace internship one guide work feel worthless piece shit feel partly fault one care believe got undiagnosed dperession
Give me one reason to carry on with a life where I have been missing out on almost every joy imaginable.,"I never had a best friend. I'd never been part of a friend group. Or *a* group for that matter. I never felt accepted, not at my temporary job as a waiter, not in online chats, not in my class. Never had a girlfriend. Never kissed. Never had sex. Never had someone compliment me. Never had an unforgettable holiday trip. Never had a memorable spring break or summer break. Never went to a cool festival. Never had a great party. Never hosted one either. The list goes on and on and on. I feel lonely and my depression is physically weighing down on me. I have no motivation to do anything any more and my parents say they can read that off my face. 

I legit cannot remember the last time I had fun. Why would I even bother going on like this when I feel like I am just surviving each day rather than living. I am almost tempted to move to another country, start anew, and just go entirely crazy, but I feel like I would carry on the same way and be even more depressed. Everyone around me has so much fun but me. Last week I overheard two normal guys around my age discussing their plans for the summer and some crazy memories. I wanted to kill myself so badly hearing what I missed out on. FUCK",ITthrowaway17,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdd3bx/give_me_one_reason_to_carry_on_with_a_life_where/,never best friend never part friend group group matter never felt accepted temporary job waiter online chat class never girlfriend never kissed never sex never someone compliment never unforgettable holiday trip never memorable spring break summer break never went cool festival never great party never hosted one either list go feel lonely depression physically weighing motivation anything parent say read face legit cannot remember last time fun would even bother going like feel like surviving day rather living almost tempted move another country start anew go entirely crazy feel like would carry way even depressed everyone around ha much fun last week overheard two normal guy around age discussing plan summer crazy memory wanted kill badly hearing missed fuck,give one reason carry life missing almost every joy imaginable,throwaway 17,1196,104,throwaway 17 never best friend never part friend group group matter never felt accepted temporary job waiter online chat class never girlfriend never kissed never sex never someone compliment never unforgettable holiday trip never memorable spring break summer break never went cool festival never great party never hosted one either list go feel lonely depression physically weighing motivation anything parent say read face legit cannot remember last time fun would even bother going like feel like surviving day rather living almost tempted move another country start anew go entirely crazy feel like would carry way even depressed everyone around ha much fun last week overheard two normal guy around age discussing plan summer crazy memory wanted kill badly hearing missed fuck give one reason carry life missing almost every joy imaginable
I'm looking to end my life any suggestions are appreciated,I've tried to fight this battle for too long I'm causing people i love to suffer and they don't need this crap I've given up on trying to get better i want my life to end i live in the United kingdom so any suggestions on what i can do to end my life is appreciated i don't care how leathal or painful it is as long as its relatively quick and clean,Smurphy55656,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdg5w7/im_looking_to_end_my_life_any_suggestions_are/,tried fight battle long causing people love suffer need crap given trying get better want life end live united kingdom suggestion end life appreciated care leathal painful long relatively quick clean,looking end life suggestion appreciated,murphy 55656,349,58,murphy 55656 tried fight battle long causing people love suffer need crap given trying get better want life end live united kingdom suggestion end life appreciated care leathal painful long relatively quick clean looking end life suggestion appreciated
I don't know who to talk to anymore...,"When I was around 6-7 y.o my dad got a scholarship in Australia. I was really happy to be there. I was someone who had lots of friends, exceptional grades, etc. But that turned 180° once I came back from Australia to my home country..I just don't know why.

Junior high was pretty average execpt my grades were starting to fall and I got the occasional teasing because I had a 'different' English accent. Then come high school when everything hit real hard. 

My grades were below par, my dad didn't allow me to hang out with friends, he started being a heli parent and would make irrational night curfews. I also got into numerous trouble with school. 

Over time, what I thought were my friends left me one by one. They even spread a rumor that I was gay (a big no in my country). And to top it off, my girlfriend cheated on me. I felt so desolate and unwanted. Ever since that I became socially awkward and has started to stutter/mumble in my speech. I thought about jumping off a roof but canceled

Eventually I just ate my depression and loneliness while at the same time gaining 10 kilos off it making me obese.

Last year I got accepted to uni in a city away from home. It gave me my much needed liberty away from my dad. I tried making friends, did the usual stuff but was shrugged off being not 'cool' enough or was just a plain awkward person. It kills me looking people left and right are with their friends or s.o being happy while there I am walking by myself alone to sit in class alone again.

Being in uni also made my mind grow wild. I've thought of many different ways of how ordinary objects can be used to kill me. I've tried swerving my motorbike onto an oncoming 18 wheeler but was too scared. I also bought a rope..a decision to use it thats been back and forth.

It feels like I'm on a razor thin wire between doing it and not doing it. I just can't...",discreeeeeeeeeeet,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdcu4a/i_dont_know_who_to_talk_to_anymore/,wa around 6 7 dad got scholarship australia wa really happy wa someone lot friend exceptional grade etc turned 180 came back australia home country know junior high wa pretty average execpt grade starting fall got occasional teasing different english accent come high school everything hit real hard grade par dad allow hang friend started heli parent would make irrational night curfew also got numerous trouble school time thought friend left one one even spread rumor wa gay big country top girlfriend cheated felt desolate unwanted ever since became socially awkward ha started stutter mumble speech thought jumping roof canceled eventually ate depression loneliness time gaining 10 kilo making obese last year got accepted uni city away home gave much needed liberty away dad tried making friend usual stuff wa shrugged cool enough wa plain awkward person kill looking people left right friend happy walking alone sit class alone uni also made mind grow wild thought many different way ordinary object used kill tried swerving motorbike onto oncoming 18 wheeler wa scared also bought rope decision use thats back forth feel like razor thin wire,know talk anymore,disc eeeeee eeee,1876,38,disc eeeeee eeee wa around 6 7 dad got scholarship australia wa really happy wa someone lot friend exceptional grade etc turned 180 came back australia home country know junior high wa pretty average execpt grade starting fall got occasional teasing different english accent come high school everything hit real hard grade par dad allow hang friend started heli parent would make irrational night curfew also got numerous trouble school time thought friend left one one even spread rumor wa gay big country top girlfriend cheated felt desolate unwanted ever since became socially awkward ha started stutter mumble speech thought jumping roof canceled eventually ate depression loneliness time gaining 10 kilo making obese last year got accepted uni city away home gave much needed liberty away dad tried making friend usual stuff wa shrugged cool enough wa plain awkward person kill looking people left right friend happy walking alone sit class alone uni also made mind grow wild thought many different way ordinary object used kill tried swerving motorbike onto oncoming 18 wheeler wa scared also bought rope decision use thats back forth feel like razor thin wire know talk anymore
I've decided I'm killing myself by the end of the year,If nothing changes by the end of the yearI've decided to kill myself. I can't live like this anymore. I'm so tried. I'm sick of failing in life again and again and again I'm sick of people calling me crazy I'm sick of being treated like crap I'm sick of life. If nothing changes by the end of the year I plan on killing myself before I turn 20. IM SO TIRED I WANT IT TO END I WANT RELEAF,LifeIsHorrible002,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8hau/ive_decided_im_killing_myself_by_the_end_of_the/,nothing change end yeari decided kill live like anymore tried sick failing life sick people calling crazy sick treated like crap sick life nothing change end year plan killing turn 20 im tired want end want releaf,decided killing end year,life horrible 002,387,54,life horrible 002 nothing change end yeari decided kill live like anymore tried sick failing life sick people calling crazy sick treated like crap sick life nothing change end year plan killing turn 20 im tired want end want releaf decided killing end year
My life is over,"I’m in college and everything is ruined. I’ve failed my maths class for the third time so I’m excluded from and science and business majors.  My gpa is shit. My degree advisor says to major in something in humanities. Aka end up poor and with no job prospects after college.

I can’t even attend next semester because I have no money. I was hit in a car accident on my bike and had to spend my tuition money on it. I also couldn’t afford insurance. I can’t get a loan for school so I’m fucked. There are no other options. I’ve maxed out my credit card for food and rent because I couldn’t work with a broken leg.

I have no friends or family to help me. Therapy is pointless. Hotlines don’t work. Group therapy doesn’t work. I’ve reached out for help like people said. It’s over. People always say “talk to a therapist” as if everything gets fixed but it doesn’t. Maybe for your small issues. 

I’ve never been loved or cared about. I only have myself. Now is the end. I’ve had depression since I was 8. I should’ve expected this. I wish I hadn’t wasted my time thinking things could get better. I should’ve done this in high school. Goodbye.",alan-4821,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfxtn/my_life_is_over/,college everything ruined failed math class third time excluded science business major gpa shit degree advisor say major something humanity aka end poor job prospect college even attend next semester money wa hit car accident bike spend tuition money also afford insurance get loan school fucked option maxed credit card food rent work broken leg friend family help therapy pointless hotlines work group therapy work reached help like people said people always say talk therapist everything get fixed maybe small issue never loved cared end depression since wa 8 expected wish wasted time thinking thing could get better done high school goodbye,life,alan 4821,1142,15,alan 4821 college everything ruined failed math class third time excluded science business major gpa shit degree advisor say major something humanity aka end poor job prospect college even attend next semester money wa hit car accident bike spend tuition money also afford insurance get loan school fucked option maxed credit card food rent work broken leg friend family help therapy pointless hotlines work group therapy work reached help like people said people always say talk therapist everything get fixed maybe small issue never loved cared end depression since wa 8 expected wish wasted time thinking thing could get better done high school goodbye life
"Called off my work , going to end it after I eat","Nice knowing you all

I'm finally coming home Mara and Tara ❤️",[deleted],2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfxgj/called_off_my_work_going_to_end_it_after_i_eat/,nice knowing finally coming home mara tara,called work going end eat,deleted,62,48,deleted nice knowing finally coming home mara tara called work going end eat
"If possible suicide isn't worth effort, but life isn't worth it either, what's left",emptypost,anonanonnobidy,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdbdsy/if_possible_suicide_isnt_worth_effort_but_life/,emptypost,possible suicide worth effort life worth either left,nobi dy,9,83,nobi dy emptypost possible suicide worth effort life worth either left
I need to show everyone,"It’s time for me to show everyone what happens when u treat someone so bad that they want to kill themselves. The rejection, the leaving, the being ignored, the being bullied and made fun of. I’m tired of the abuse everyone is giving me. I’m tired of it. I can’t take it anymore. No one wants be my friend, especially irl. No one wants to be my girl friend. No one even gives me a chance. All they do is abuse me and I’m tired of it. I’ll show everyone what happens when u treat someone like I’ve been treated. No love, just abuse. I’ll show them. And maybe, it could save some lives too. U will see. U all will see.",Geomaster53,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8v5z/i_need_to_show_everyone/,time show everyone happens u treat someone bad want kill rejection leaving ignored bullied made fun tired abuse everyone giving tired take anymore one want friend especially irl one want girl friend one even give chance abuse tired show everyone happens u treat someone like treated love abuse show maybe could save life u see u see,need show everyone,geo master 53,616,23,geo master 53 time show everyone happens u treat someone bad want kill rejection leaving ignored bullied made fun tired abuse everyone giving tired take anymore one want friend especially irl one want girl friend one even give chance abuse tired show everyone happens u treat someone like treated love abuse show maybe could save life u see u see need show everyone
My dad doesn't love me,He left us and it caused us to lose our house which was my ptsd coping mechanism. I just want to give up. This abandonment pain is deep heavy shit. I should just give up and die cause my own father left me to this horrible fate. God it fucking hurts I cant stop crying my chest hurts. Why do I deserve this fate. Fuck.,DesperateLandscape,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfuwi/my_dad_doesnt_love_me/,left u caused u lose house wa ptsd coping mechanism want give abandonment pain deep heavy shit give die cause father left horrible fate god fucking hurt cant stop cry chest hurt deserve fate fuck,dad love,desperate landscape,318,22,desperate landscape left u caused u lose house wa ptsd coping mechanism want give abandonment pain deep heavy shit give die cause father left horrible fate god fucking hurt cant stop cry chest hurt deserve fate fuck dad love
Not sure if I can carry on,"I’ve bought this all on myself. I have a porn and sex addiction that has lead me to chest on my girlfriend. We have decided to try and make it work but I can’t stop the thoughts of regret and hatred to myself. I feel like the only thing that would help me and my girlfriend move on would be me out if the situation. I don’t think I could physically go through with it but the thoughts are always there.

Not really looking for advice but happy to hear anything anyone has to say it’s just been a help writing this down",confused-betrayed,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdbbu2/not_sure_if_i_can_carry_on/,bought porn sex addiction ha lead chest girlfriend decided try make work stop thought regret hatred feel like thing would help girlfriend move would situation think could physically go thought always really looking advice happy hear anything anyone ha say help writing,sure carry,confused betrayed,518,26,confused betrayed bought porn sex addiction ha lead chest girlfriend decided try make work stop thought regret hatred feel like thing would help girlfriend move would situation think could physically go thought always really looking advice happy hear anything anyone ha say help writing sure carry
I'm the poisonous being,"It seems that everyone that leaves me behind or stops interacting with me goes off and has a better life without me there. 

I feel like I'm a poisonous stare, floating through the air.",braineclipsedamage,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfhra/im_the_poisonous_being/,seems everyone leaf behind stop interacting go ha better life without feel like poisonous stare floating air,poisonous,brain eclipse damage,185,23,brain eclipse damage seems everyone leaf behind stop interacting go ha better life without feel like poisonous stare floating air poisonous
How can I die without hurting anyone?,"Everything's been all over the place lately and I feel i have no future. I've been looking out my balcony, just wanting to run and jump out but Im only at the seventh floor so like only broken bones. 

Overall, i dont wanna wake up tomorrow",lxstc_se,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdfcqh/how_can_i_die_without_hurting_anyone/,everything place lately feel future looking balcony wanting run jump im seventh floor like broken bone overall dont wanna wake tomorrow,die without hurting anyone,l x st c se,240,37,l x st c se everything place lately feel future looking balcony wanting run jump im seventh floor like broken bone overall dont wanna wake tomorrow die without hurting anyone
I hate those damn Ubiquitous Suicide Hotline Posters.,"People need to realise and understand just how much bullshit suicide prevention is.

Because Yes, lets put posters to the suicide hotline a bit everywhere, look, we're only helping!

The suicide hotline! yes ! of course! why didn't I think of that?

All those things are there to make other people happy and fool them into thinking ""They're doing a great job helping!""  
You're really not.

How about this one? Force them to seek counselling  
Ah yes! Because talking about how I feel is going to make my problems go away! Of course  
Well, you'll get tools to /cope/ with those things, see -  
Oh! but it won't resolve any of the underlying issues, I see, you're only treating the symptoms of flesh eating  disease.

Institutionalisation?  
Well, how about fuck you Sheryl. Because isolating me even more really is going to help.  
But YOU can rest assured that /you did everything you could/! Look! the problem is no longer visible to you!
So therefore it must be working!   
Pat yourself on the shoulder, you did a great job!   
That person surely isn't going to fold into themselves even more than they already have
as they just sit around looking at blank walls, waiting for there next therapy session with doctors that are too rushed  
or overworked to care or do any good.  
It's like facing the corner for ""adults"". Think nice and hard about what you did! See you in three weeks!  

Well, how about numbing him AND therapy?   
Listen Maribeth, why do you think that's going to work? Because there's an entire industry around it?   
That must mean it HAS to be successful! Everyone! Everytime! Guaranteed!  
Surely it can ONLY /help/ those poor depressed souls, because the good doctor and the books say that it works
Surely their one follow-up call to re-make an appointment will change everything when they failed to show up  
Well, they didn't want to be here, on to someone that actually WANTS to be helped  
And the cycle... continues  

Surely taking pills to numb me to force me to sit in emotional comatose will   
Cure me of my autoimmune disease that will end me prematurally anyways  
Find me nice stable jobs that can work around my frequent and random stays at the hospital  
Stop jobs from firing me for invalid reasons because of it  
And extinguish an innumerable amount of very real fires in my life that set me down this path in the first place  

1.  
[Morris Moss: *picks up flaming fire extinguisher* I'll just put this over here... with the rest of the fire.](https://img.picturequotes.com/2/84/83812/ill-just-put-this-over-here-with-the-rest-of-the-fire-quote-1.jpg)  
2.  
[Cartoon Dog sitting at a table will the entire room is on fire. Close-up on his smiling face ""This is fine.""](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2016/08/05/us/05onfire1_xp/05onfire1_xp-articleLarge-v2.jpg?quality=75&auto=webp&disable=upscale)   

can't people see why it doesn't work? why I push people away  
Even though I really really REALLY don't want to  
And it only hurts me even more  
permanently scaring the relationships that matter most to me  
never able to go back to how things were before  
inevitably helping me push myself to take the final jump  
when there is no one left around me  
when they all finally shut me out  
and none of them bother to reach out or care anymore  
or know that I finally jumped  

I feel stuck, Like an atom stuck on a plateau, trying to Fuse   
the only way to unlock my potential energy would be through quantum tunneling   
But you need to put outside energy in the system for it to work  
The only power that does work, is a firm grasping hand from ones we love the most,  
holding on with all their might despite the weight trying to sink ever deeper  
And the mightiest of tugs, going through that hill  
Holding on, as hard as they can, as they careen down the quantum waterfall in a burst of energy  

Not some stupid fucking poster.


and then what?

They leave. 

They always leave.

And you're alone again.",Timoris,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8his/i_hate_those_damn_ubiquitous_suicide_hotline/,people need realise understand much bullshit suicide prevention yes let put poster suicide hotline bit everywhere look helping suicide hotline yes course think thing make people happy fool thinking great job helping really one force seek counselling ah yes talking feel going make problem go away course well get tool cope thing see oh resolve underlying issue see treating symptom flesh eating disease institutionalisation well fuck sheryl isolating even really going help rest assured everything could look problem longer visible therefore must working pat shoulder great job person surely going fold even already sit around looking blank wall waiting next therapy session doctor rushed overworked care good like facing corner adult think nice hard see three week well numbing therapy listen maribeth think going work entire industry around must mean ha successful everyone everytime guaranteed surely help poor depressed soul good doctor book say work surely one follow call make appointment change everything failed show well want someone actually want helped cycle continues surely taking pill numb force sit emotional comatose cure autoimmune disease end prematurally anyways find nice stable job work around frequent random stay hospital stop job firing invalid reason extinguish innumerable amount real fire life set path first place 1 morris moss pick flaming fire extinguisher put rest fire http img picturequotes com 2 84 83812 ill put rest fire quote 1 jpg 2 cartoon dog sitting table entire room fire close smiling face fine http static01 nyt com image 2016 08 05 u 05onfire1_xp 05onfire1_xp articlelarge v2 jpg quality 75 amp auto webp amp disable upscale people see work push people away even though really really really want hurt even permanently scaring relationship matter never able go back thing inevitably helping push take final jump one left around finally shut none bother reach care anymore know finally jumped feel stuck like atom stuck plateau trying fuse way unlock potential energy would quantum tunneling need put outside energy system work power doe work firm grasping hand one love holding might despite weight trying sink ever deeper mightiest tug going hill holding hard careen quantum waterfall burst energy stupid fucking poster leave always leave alone,hate damn ubiquitous suicide hotline poster,timor,3974,53,timor people need realise understand much bullshit suicide prevention yes let put poster suicide hotline bit everywhere look helping suicide hotline yes course think thing make people happy fool thinking great job helping really one force seek counselling ah yes talking feel going make problem go away course well get tool cope thing see oh resolve underlying issue see treating symptom flesh eating disease institutionalisation well fuck sheryl isolating even really going help rest assured everything could look problem longer visible therefore must working pat shoulder great job person surely going fold even already sit around looking blank wall waiting next therapy session doctor rushed overworked care good like facing corner adult think nice hard see three week well numbing therapy listen maribeth think going work entire industry around must mean ha successful everyone everytime guaranteed surely help poor depressed soul good doctor book say work surely one follow call make appointment change everything failed show well want someone actually want helped cycle continues surely taking pill numb force sit emotional comatose cure autoimmune disease end prematurally anyways find nice stable job work around frequent random stay hospital stop job firing invalid reason extinguish innumerable amount real fire life set path first place 1 morris moss pick flaming fire extinguisher put rest fire http img picturequotes com 2 84 83812 ill put rest fire quote 1 jpg 2 cartoon dog sitting table entire room fire close smiling face fine http static01 nyt com image 2016 08 05 u 05onfire1_xp 05onfire1_xp articlelarge v2 jpg quality 75 amp auto webp amp disable upscale people see work push people away even though really really really want hurt even permanently scaring relationship matter never able go back thing inevitably helping push take final jump one left around finally shut none bother reach care anymore know finally jumped feel stuck like atom stuck plateau trying fuse way unlock potential energy would quantum tunneling need put outside energy system work power doe work firm grasping hand one love holding might despite weight trying sink ever deeper mightiest tug going hill holding hard careen quantum waterfall burst energy stupid fucking poster leave always leave alone hate damn ubiquitous suicide hotline poster
Please I'm begging you all tell me how to die,"I'm in a mental hospital and i want to die. No you can not persuade me just give me advice. They found my stash of meds so I can't overdose. I have a blade and plan to slit my throat but they do 15 mins checks and I'm afraid they'll find me.

I can't get anything from outside. I know how to make a noose out of my bed sheet but there's no where to tie it to. 

Please I'm begging you tell me how to die. I am so tired and done with this life.",wd_eyes,15,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0wd0/please_im_begging_you_all_tell_me_how_to_die/,mental hospital want die persuade give advice found stash med overdose blade plan slit throat 15 min check afraid find get anything outside know make noose bed sheet tie please begging tell die tired done life,please begging tell die,wd eye,443,45,wd eye mental hospital want die persuade give advice found stash med overdose blade plan slit throat 15 min check afraid find get anything outside know make noose bed sheet tie please begging tell die tired done life please begging tell die
The most fucking stupid name.,"Faith. Can't believe I was named that at birth, would appreciate if I had more of it. There was a girl I met in the psych hospital 10 years older than me with the same name. She'd attempted suicide many times and she was just a shell of herself, an absolute wreck. I feel like every single day I creep closer and closer to becoming that.",kelsumner,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdarnp/the_most_fucking_stupid_name/,faith believe wa named birth would appreciate wa girl met psych hospital 10 year older name attempted suicide many time wa shell absolute wreck feel like every single day creep closer closer becoming,fucking stupid name,kel sumner,337,29,kel sumner faith believe wa named birth would appreciate wa girl met psych hospital 10 year older name attempted suicide many time wa shell absolute wreck feel like every single day creep closer closer becoming fucking stupid name
Here to help if you need to talk/vent,I’m no therapist or professional but I’m here if anyone needs someone to talk to in order to get through a tough time tonight ❤️,brittanyshaw,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdahi4/here_to_help_if_you_need_to_talkvent/,therapist professional anyone need someone talk order get tough time tonight,help need talk vent,brittany shaw,128,37,brittany shaw therapist professional anyone need someone talk order get tough time tonight help need talk vent
hi please can i talk to someone im gonna kill myself im 17f,emptypost,driv3likeido,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6pr0/hi_please_can_i_talk_to_someone_im_gonna_kill/,emptypost,hi please talk someone im gonna kill im 17f,dr iv 3 like ido,9,59,dr iv 3 like ido emptypost hi please talk someone im gonna kill im 17f
#die,emptypost,draveniscute,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdebxf/die/,emptypost,die,raven cute,9,4,raven cute emptypost die
I hate who I am completely...,If you read through my post history you’ll know what I’m going through... but I just feel so worthless.. so unlovable... even my family agrees it’s a me issue...,CarsonAnaDaily,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd87mk/i_hate_who_i_am_completely/,read post history know going feel worthless unlovable even family agrees issue,hate completely,carson daily,161,29,carson daily read post history know going feel worthless unlovable even family agrees issue hate completely
I don’t want to hurt myself but I can’t afford to go to the hospital,"I called the hotline, and said exactly that. And honestly I don’t know what I was expecting. But what I got was a dude who read off a bunch of questions. I answered. Then I got transferred to a sassy lady who informed me that she could either send out a team to collect me and take me to the hospital, or she could call 911. 

I repeated myself. I can’t afford the hospital. The lady told me those are my options.

I’ve been dealing with some mental health issues since I was a kid, but they’ve really exploded in the last 2-3 years. I get why people with depression kill themselves. 

I don’t want to die because I’m sad. I want to die because this is going to happen for the rest of my life, and I cannot agree to that. I never thought I’d be a person who would do this, but I’ve been strongly considering it even when I’m not sad.

Help. I don’t want to hurt myself, but I can’t do this again and again. I can’t.",Rowsdower_was_taken,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd72qb/i_dont_want_to_hurt_myself_but_i_cant_afford_to/,called hotline said exactly honestly know wa expecting got wa dude read bunch question answered got transferred sassy lady informed could either send team collect take hospital could call 911 repeated afford hospital lady told option dealing mental health issue since wa kid really exploded last 2 3 year get people depression kill want die sad want die going happen rest life cannot agree never thought person would strongly considering even sad help want hurt,want hurt afford go hospital,row wer wa taken,915,68,row wer wa taken called hotline said exactly honestly know wa expecting got wa dude read bunch question answered got transferred sassy lady informed could either send team collect take hospital could call 911 repeated afford hospital lady told option dealing mental health issue since wa kid really exploded last 2 3 year get people depression kill want die sad want die going happen rest life cannot agree never thought person would strongly considering even sad help want hurt want hurt afford go hospital
"I am lonely tonight. No one I know is awake, and I'm kind of glad.","Man, holy fuck. I feel very neutral or passive right now. For the past 3 odd days I've just kind of been floating by. I've tried to kill myself twice in the past 5 months. Some people just aren't long for this world, and I truly, with all my being, believe that. I'm not cut out for this man. And it's paradoxical too because I think I have an objectively good life (outside of loneliness, my diagnoses of major depression disorder w/ suicidal ideations, complex PTSD, and anxiety). I have a truck, an apartment to myself, a cat, and a decently paying job (I'm surviving, ha). I just feel so goddamn lonely. All my irl friends I usually push away because I don't want to be bothered a lot of the time and I feel shameful telling them my mental problems. Fuck me man I am so tired.

Just a heads up, I really don't want any of you to tell me why I shouldn't kill myself or my life has meaning and I'm loved. I don't like hearing that stuff.",venus_made_me_king,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fda7zf/i_am_lonely_tonight_no_one_i_know_is_awake_and_im/,man holy fuck feel neutral passive right past 3 odd day kind floating tried kill twice past 5 month people long world truly believe cut man paradoxical think objectively good life outside loneliness diagnosis major depression disorder w suicidal ideation complex ptsd anxiety truck apartment cat decently paying job surviving ha feel goddamn lonely irl friend usually push away want bothered lot time feel shameful telling mental problem fuck man tired head really want tell kill life ha meaning loved like hearing stuff,lonely tonight one know awake kind glad,venus made king,939,66,venus made king man holy fuck feel neutral passive right past 3 odd day kind floating tried kill twice past 5 month people long world truly believe cut man paradoxical think objectively good life outside loneliness diagnosis major depression disorder w suicidal ideation complex ptsd anxiety truck apartment cat decently paying job surviving ha feel goddamn lonely irl friend usually push away want bothered lot time feel shameful telling mental problem fuck man tired head really want tell kill life ha meaning loved like hearing stuff lonely tonight one know awake kind glad
I loathe myself,"I just turned 25 last month. i have always been poor, i have no family, no car, tons of debt, shit credit. Im always bitter, i get frustrated by everything at work and at home. Activities i used to find fun just agitate me now, everything is just a fucking mental obstacle course even if its the simplest of tasks. i put myself through college by taking out loans and i cant even find a career in my field. I just despise myself and am so god damn bitter, i feel like theres an internal scream roaring in my head at all times. i cant afford a gun and i know my roommate has one but i can never find it. im so desperate, i am so so desperate to just make this stop",jumpybiscuits,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9b9d/i_loathe_myself/,turned 25 last month always poor family car ton debt shit credit im always bitter get frustrated everything work home activity used find fun agitate everything fucking mental obstacle course even simplest task put college taking loan cant even find career field despise god damn bitter feel like internal scream roaring head time cant afford gun know roommate ha one never find im desperate desperate make stop,loathe,jumpy biscuit,663,15,jumpy biscuit turned 25 last month always poor family car ton debt shit credit im always bitter get frustrated everything work home activity used find fun agitate everything fucking mental obstacle course even simplest task put college taking loan cant even find career field despise god damn bitter feel like internal scream roaring head time cant afford gun know roommate ha one never find im desperate desperate make stop loathe
Would my friends care if I died?,"My closest friends have been distant lately. Mostly busy with their jobs, other friends, or partners. I feel they don't really care about me as they're hard to get in contact with.

If I gave in to my depression, would they even care that I'm dead?",ThrowawayThisWorldu,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fda22o/would_my_friends_care_if_i_died/,closest friend distant lately mostly busy job friend partner feel really care hard get contact gave depression would even care dead,would friend care died,throwaway world u,248,32,throwaway world u closest friend distant lately mostly busy job friend partner feel really care hard get contact gave depression would even care dead would friend care died
They always say it’ll get better,"I’ll admit it i’m a lost cause, i’ll never amount to anything i just hate my life i wanna it to end right now right here..i wish i wasnt born so i didnt have to go threw this bs",Patheic-ass-kid,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8elh/they_always_say_itll_get_better/,admit lost cause never amount anything hate life wanna end right right wish wasnt born didnt go threw b,always say get better,pa ic kid,177,32,pa ic kid admit lost cause never amount anything hate life wanna end right right wish wasnt born didnt go threw b always say get better
I have been strongly considering suicide. I dont want uplifting talk. What is the easiest way to kill myself?,"If I made a list of the people I love it would be no one. If I made a list of my favorite songs it would be none. If I made a list of everything that I want to become and want to accomplish..  there would be no answer. All I feel is anxiety, fear, and pain. Eating makes me feel sick. I cant get more than a couple hours of sleep. I'm just ready to go and I dont care how it affects anyone.",SumYunGuy11,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8c55/i_have_been_strongly_considering_suicide_i_dont/,made list people love would one made list favorite song would none made list everything want become want accomplish would answer feel anxiety fear pain eating make feel sick cant get couple hour sleep ready go dont care affect anyone,strongly considering suicide dont want uplifting talk easiest way kill,sum yun guy 11,390,109,sum yun guy 11 made list people love would one made list favorite song would none made list everything want become want accomplish would answer feel anxiety fear pain eating make feel sick cant get couple hour sleep ready go dont care affect anyone strongly considering suicide dont want uplifting talk easiest way kill
"Thanks dad, you really helped. You're a genius. I'm cured.","So when your child's suicidal, self-harming, chronically depressed, and suffering abuse while you're away from the house, the obvious solution is to tell her that she's lying about everything and just needs to study harder because grades = good degree = good job = no more depresso. 

​

Wow. Genius, dad. I just need to stop FEELING and study my ass off. It makes so much sense. Why didn't I think of that?

​

And when I'm on the balcony crying and so close to jumping and you change the subject to this semester's grades again, I guess that's good too! Of course, grades are all that matter. 

​

And mom, I guess hating your child for being broken by your abuse is logical too! I  mean, how dare I make you feel bad by crying and trying to hang myself after you shook me and screamed in my face and told me I was no longer in the family? That's just what a child deserves for saying she doesn't love you! You're so damn right!

​

Where the hell did you think this was gonna go?

Did you actually think your idiocy would keep me alive?

Did you think you could fuck me up and then take all the credit when I claw my way to the top despite your best efforts to kill me?

​

I often wish I could die just to show you what you've done to me.",nico1325,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcv31g/thanks_dad_you_really_helped_youre_a_genius_im/,child suicidal self harming chronically depressed suffering abuse away house obvious solution tell lying everything need study harder grade good degree good job depresso amp x200b wow genius dad need stop feeling study make much sense think amp x200b balcony cry close jumping change subject semester grade guess good course grade matter amp x200b mom guess hating child broken abuse logical mean dare make feel bad cry trying hang shook screamed face told wa longer family child deserves saying love damn right amp x200b hell think wa gonna go actually think idiocy would keep alive think could fuck take credit claw way top despite best effort kill amp x200b often wish could die show done,thanks dad really helped genius cured,nico 1325,1297,58,nico 1325 child suicidal self harming chronically depressed suffering abuse away house obvious solution tell lying everything need study harder grade good degree good job depresso amp x200b wow genius dad need stop feeling study make much sense think amp x200b balcony cry close jumping change subject semester grade guess good course grade matter amp x200b mom guess hating child broken abuse logical mean dare make feel bad cry trying hang shook screamed face told wa longer family child deserves saying love damn right amp x200b hell think wa gonna go actually think idiocy would keep alive think could fuck take credit claw way top despite best effort kill amp x200b often wish could die show done thanks dad really helped genius cured
I want to quit therapy and just make myself worse enough where I can finally kill myself,emptypost,vadimuha,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd69wa/i_want_to_quit_therapy_and_just_make_myself_worse/,emptypost,want quit therapy make worse enough finally kill,vadim uh,9,88,vadim uh emptypost want quit therapy make worse enough finally kill
I feel so lonely.,"
I want to talk to someone, anyone, with a desperate fervour. The subject doesn't matter, as long as the person is interested in talking to me.

I honestly can't remember a time when I *didn't* feel so alone, but lately it seems to have gotten even worse. Even people whom I once thought my friends seem to have lost any interest in me. I want to talk to *someone.*
But I also can't tell anyone about this, because I worry that they will only speak to me out of pity or a misguided sympathy.

I do not want either of those, I can not stand the mere thought of them. 
All I want, is to be genuinely liked. 
But I feel like I don't *have* anything to be liked for: I'm not funny, I'm not smart, I'm not charming, I can't even listen to people that well. Who would ever *want* to befriend me?",imjusttired5,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1ura/i_feel_so_lonely/,want talk someone anyone desperate fervour subject matter long person interested talking honestly remember time feel alone lately seems gotten even worse even people thought friend seem lost interest want talk someone also tell anyone worry speak pity misguided sympathy want either stand mere thought want genuinely liked feel like anything liked funny smart charming even listen people well would ever want befriend,feel lonely,im tired 5,789,17,im tired 5 want talk someone anyone desperate fervour subject matter long person interested talking honestly remember time feel alone lately seems gotten even worse even people thought friend seem lost interest want talk someone also tell anyone worry speak pity misguided sympathy want either stand mere thought want genuinely liked feel like anything liked funny smart charming even listen people well would ever want befriend feel lonely
I’m unsure of everything,"I don’t know if I’m overreacting about my feelings or not. I’ve contemplated about suicide several times. I don’t want to live, but I’m too scared to actually try and kill myself. And then I feel like a piece of shit because I feel like I’m mocking the people who have actually attempted suicide, saying that I don’t want to live when I’m too much of a pussy to try ending it myself. I don’t know if I’m actually depressed, or going through that ‘edgy teen phase’. I’m too scared to get it diagnosed, as I’m too afraid of what the results might say. 
I’ve told my dad around 2~3 months ago about how I felt, but I don’t think he really cared. We basically had a small chat, and that was all. I think he thought I was overreacting about he whole thing. And so, even I don’t know if what I feel is as serious as I think it is.",fhjgghi,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdatvj/im_unsure_of_everything/,know overreacting feeling contemplated suicide several time want live scared actually try kill feel like piece shit feel like mocking people actually attempted suicide saying want live much pussy try ending know actually depressed going edgy teen phase scared get diagnosed afraid result might say told dad around 2 3 month ago felt think really cared basically small chat wa think thought wa overreacting whole thing even know feel serious think,unsure everything,fh j gg hi,824,24,fh j gg hi know overreacting feeling contemplated suicide several time want live scared actually try kill feel like piece shit feel like mocking people actually attempted suicide saying want live much pussy try ending know actually depressed going edgy teen phase scared get diagnosed afraid result might say told dad around 2 3 month ago felt think really cared basically small chat wa think thought wa overreacting whole thing even know feel serious think unsure everything
Its constantly getting worse,"I'm useless and dumb. Nothing new there. But I'm getting thoughts of killing myself more and more often. I have had a few other points in my life when I had these thoughts and even tried to give into them. I just wish I wasnt a pussy. My problem is that I want to die but every time I try I end up either chickening out or waking up alive. I deserve nothing but death but nothing ever works. I'm drowning in my own self destruction and I'm scared someone's gonna try to help me. I love my friends,boyfriend, and my dad but I'm so tired of trying to be an interesting person for everyone but I'm scared their going to see that I'm really just a blank paper and leave me. How many more times do I have to re write my suicide note until I have a use for it?",kickash_xx,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1rad/its_constantly_getting_worse/,useless dumb nothing new getting thought killing often point life thought even tried give wish wasnt pussy problem want die every time try end either chickening waking alive deserve nothing death nothing ever work drowning self destruction scared someone gonna try help love friend boyfriend dad tired trying interesting person everyone scared going see really blank paper leave many time write suicide note use,constantly getting worse,kick ash xx,754,28,kick ash xx useless dumb nothing new getting thought killing often point life thought even tried give wish wasnt pussy problem want die every time try end either chickening waking alive deserve nothing death nothing ever work drowning self destruction scared someone gonna try help love friend boyfriend dad tired trying interesting person everyone scared going see really blank paper leave many time write suicide note use constantly getting worse
im so close to giving up i want to die pls no one will notice anyway,emptypost,itsgrayandfadingaway,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdaoe6/im_so_close_to_giving_up_i_want_to_die_pls_no_one/,emptypost,im close giving want die pls one notice anyway,gray fading away,9,68,gray fading away emptypost im close giving want die pls one notice anyway
I can’t close my eyes for very long,"I’ve been awake for the last 3 or so hours. My partner got home around 2 and woke me up. I haven’t been able to close my eyes for more than 5 minutes or so (not sure if that’s accurate, I’m very tired) without very graphic ideation and overwhelming physical intent. I don’t want to kill myself, but I very much want to kill myself. I’m just reaching out to feel a little less lonely right now.",classifiedashuman,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdcv70/i_cant_close_my_eyes_for_very_long/,awake last 3 hour partner got home around 2 woke able close eye 5 minute sure accurate tired without graphic ideation overwhelming physical intent want kill much want kill reaching feel little le lonely right,close eye long,classified human,393,35,classified human awake last 3 hour partner got home around 2 woke able close eye 5 minute sure accurate tired without graphic ideation overwhelming physical intent want kill much want kill reaching feel little le lonely right close eye long
My (25m) wife (24f) broke down crying today and confessed she has wanted to kill herself for the past three months. I don't know what to do.,"As the title says. I'd like to tag her reddit account but am unsure if that breaks any rules. I believe the only reason she is holding back is fear of what would happen to our 1year old son. She has attempted before in the past before we were married.

 Saying the last few months has been unkind to my family is a severe understatement. Lost my job and couldn't find work for several months that eventually led to our recent eviction. As a result, I've been forced to return to long haul truck driving so I am unable to physically be there for her while she stays at her extremely mentally abusive parents home. I've managed to secure her a better place to stay with a friend of mine and even a place for our dog, but thats the limit of what I can do. I'm bad at feelings, but I'm a good listener, and I am completely lost how to handle the situation. She wants to run away and feels as though she drowning. That nobody cares or doesn't want to notice. I am afraid she came forward to me today because she is getting ready to follow through, and I'm over a thousand miles away with no way home and *completely* out of my depth. I need advice / help and, if possible, a show of community support I can send her way.

Sincerely, a concerned and scared husband.",DonkeyPunchMojo,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4oj1/my_25m_wife_24f_broke_down_crying_today_and/,title say like tag reddit account unsure break rule believe reason holding back fear would happen 1year old son ha attempted past married saying last month ha unkind family severe understatement lost job find work several month eventually led recent eviction result forced return long haul truck driving unable physically stay extremely mentally abusive parent home managed secure better place stay friend mine even place dog thats limit bad feeling good listener completely lost handle situation want run away feel though drowning nobody care want notice afraid came forward today getting ready follow thousand mile away way home completely depth need advice help possible show community support send way sincerely concerned scared husband,25m wife 24f broke cry today confessed ha wanted kill past three month know,donkey punch mojo,1259,140,donkey punch mojo title say like tag reddit account unsure break rule believe reason holding back fear would happen 1year old son ha attempted past married saying last month ha unkind family severe understatement lost job find work several month eventually led recent eviction result forced return long haul truck driving unable physically stay extremely mentally abusive parent home managed secure better place stay friend mine even place dog thats limit bad feeling good listener completely lost handle situation want run away feel though drowning nobody care want notice afraid came forward today getting ready follow thousand mile away way home completely depth need advice help possible show community support send way sincerely concerned scared husband 25m wife 24f broke cry today confessed ha wanted kill past three month know
My life is so pathetic and i'm tired of it,"I don't even know how to begin this. My life is so pathetic and pointless it's sad. I was sobbing for hours today about what a waste of space I am and I don't even know what to do about it anymore. I sit in my room all day everyday. No job, no hobbies, only one friend that lives a half hour away from me and I don't even drive (pathetic). I want to kill myself, I want this stupid life to end, every single day is the same. I can't even feel positive emotions anymore like happy or excited. All I ever can feel is sad, annoyed, angry, upset, and insecure. I barely even feel empathy. I feel like my brain is wired backwards. I just want, more than anything, for this life to end. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I don't want to hurt those close to me, but everyday I pray and hope that some natural cause takes me out so I don't have to continue. My patience is growing thin though and I just don't see any reason to keep going, I'm seriously considering giving up and my life is so obviously pointless I don't think anyone would blame me.  If anyone read this -- thank you, I'm sorry for taking up your time with my issues.",dis-trust,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7hlu/my_life_is_so_pathetic_and_im_tired_of_it/,even know begin life pathetic pointless sad wa sobbing hour today waste space even know anymore sit room day everyday job hobby one friend life half hour away even drive pathetic want kill want stupid life end every single day even feel positive emotion anymore like happy excited ever feel sad annoyed angry upset insecure barely even feel empathy feel like brain wired backwards want anything life end reason killed yet want hurt close everyday pray hope natural cause take continue patience growing thin though see reason keep going seriously considering giving life obviously pointless think anyone would blame anyone read thank sorry taking time issue,life pathetic tired,trust,1148,42,trust even know begin life pathetic pointless sad wa sobbing hour today waste space even know anymore sit room day everyday job hobby one friend life half hour away even drive pathetic want kill want stupid life end every single day even feel positive emotion anymore like happy excited ever feel sad annoyed angry upset insecure barely even feel empathy feel like brain wired backwards want anything life end reason killed yet want hurt close everyday pray hope natural cause take continue patience growing thin though see reason keep going seriously considering giving life obviously pointless think anyone would blame anyone read thank sorry taking time issue life pathetic tired
I had a bad day.,"Today was not a good day. I’ve been doing well for almost five months now and today was enough to put me back in a dark place. 

For those of you who monitor these posts to give advice, I’d really appreciate some right about now. I just don’t know how to control these urges anymore. 

I have a bad tendency to use alcohol to numb these feelings and thoughts. I know it’s not a good method. But it’s one that’s worked for me in the past.

What has worked for you in the past? How do you feel better when you’ve been beaten into submission again? What do you do? How do you distract yourself? How do you avoid these dark tendencies?

I’m just so afraid of falling back into the hole of depression. I thought I had escaped it, but like always, it has a magnificent ability to be able to drag me back down.

Please. I’d appreciate any positive feedback the community has. I’m just so tired of feeling this way.",-The-Moon-Presence-,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6qdk/i_had_a_bad_day/,today wa good day well almost five month today wa enough put back dark place monitor post give advice really appreciate right know control urge anymore bad tendency use alcohol numb feeling thought know good method one worked past ha worked past feel better beaten submission distract avoid dark tendency afraid falling back hole depression thought escaped like always ha magnificent ability able drag back please appreciate positive feedback community ha tired feeling way,bad day,moon presence,907,16,moon presence today wa good day well almost five month today wa enough put back dark place monitor post give advice really appreciate right know control urge anymore bad tendency use alcohol numb feeling thought know good method one worked past ha worked past feel better beaten submission distract avoid dark tendency afraid falling back hole depression thought escaped like always ha magnificent ability able drag back please appreciate positive feedback community ha tired feeling way bad day
i hate being the one that has to comfort people and tell them it’s going to be ok,emptypost,zdento,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8ayq/i_hate_being_the_one_that_has_to_comfort_people/,emptypost,hate one ha comfort people tell going ok,zden,9,81,zden emptypost hate one ha comfort people tell going ok
Is 3 Stories High Enough?,"My school always leaves the roof door unlocked and recently i’ve been thinking and wondering if its high enough.
I just can’t stand this life anymore because everything has been spiraling downhill like, me and my mom are on bad terms and she’s the only parental figure i have in my life. I also have very little connection to the world and in the end i’m just the root of everyone else’s problems. When my friends tell me they want to commit because of me i just say me too.Anyways, the only people i’d leave behind is the father i never knew. And plus my school is a hellhole so i feel it’d be best to go out where most of my problems started.",NickiChan24,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4xi5/is_3_stories_high_enough/,school always leaf roof door unlocked recently thinking wondering high enough stand life anymore everything ha spiraling downhill like mom bad term parental figure life also little connection world end root everyone else problem friend tell want commit say anyways people leave behind father never knew plus school hellhole feel best go problem started,3 story high enough,nicki chan 24,644,25,nicki chan 24 school always leaf roof door unlocked recently thinking wondering high enough stand life anymore everything ha spiraling downhill like mom bad term parental figure life also little connection world end root everyone else problem friend tell want commit say anyways people leave behind father never knew plus school hellhole feel best go problem started 3 story high enough
"TW TW TW even cutting doesnt make me feel better anymore, just give me this weird feeling in my chest, that's it. I dont have any coping mechanisms anymore, healthy or not. 9 more days till I'll commit suicide.",emptypost,PupCorn_,15,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdckz3/tw_tw_tw_even_cutting_doesnt_make_me_feel_better/,emptypost,tw tw tw even cutting doesnt make feel better anymore give weird feeling chest dont coping mechanism anymore healthy 9 day till commit suicide,pup corn,9,210,pup corn emptypost tw tw tw even cutting doesnt make feel better anymore give weird feeling chest dont coping mechanism anymore healthy 9 day till commit suicide
is hanging too painful,emptypost,rodbsbsb,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7dqz/is_hanging_too_painful/,emptypost,hanging painful,rod b bsb,9,22,rod b bsb emptypost hanging painful
Does anyone else’s feel useless,"I feel so useless and stupid that I don’t even know why is wrong with me I am in high school and yet I can’t seem to anything correctly. I feel so useless I am not like the other girls at my school and I feel like I might even be annoying and I don’t understand why I am like this. Everyday is a struggle to get through the school day and it just keeps getting worse and worse I don’t think I can even do this anymore. I just want it to end I want to die. I have markings on my left hand from where I have cut myself when ever I feel this feeling that I am stupid, I am useless, why am I even here I am just a waste of space. But everyday at school I make sure people don’t realise what is going on because I pretend to be happy and try to smile all the time so much so that I have become a different peer so I don’t even know who I am anymore and I don’t understand what to do I just want it to end. I don’t think anyone will even read this or will even care but if you do please help I don’t know what to do.",01Mono10,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdae4s/does_anyone_elses_feel_useless/,feel useless stupid even know wrong high school yet seem anything correctly feel useless like girl school feel like might even annoying understand like everyday struggle get school day keep getting worse worse think even anymore want end want die marking left hand cut ever feel feeling stupid useless even waste space everyday school make sure people realise going pretend happy try smile time much become different peer even know anymore understand want end think anyone even read even care please help know,doe anyone else feel useless,01 mono 10,1010,31,01 mono 10 feel useless stupid even know wrong high school yet seem anything correctly feel useless like girl school feel like might even annoying understand like everyday struggle get school day keep getting worse worse think even anymore want end want die marking left hand cut ever feel feeling stupid useless even waste space everyday school make sure people realise going pretend happy try smile time much become different peer even know anymore understand want end think anyone even read even care please help know doe anyone else feel useless
Am I depressed?,"I'll try to be as transparent as possible without revealing too much. I am a high school senior, about to graduate in \~3 months. It feels like my life has been defined by the pressure to get good grades; and while I have done decently well in that regard, it has come at the expense at my social life and a lot of other things I value. I used to love the sport I played; now it feels like a burden to even show up to practice. I feel the same way about the other extracurricular activities I'm involved in. I've been rejected to several colleges/programs already, some of which I thought I had a decent shot at getting into. Occasionally, I have what I think are real suicidal impulses, but I know that I'm too much of a fucking pussy to do anything about it. The closer and closer I get to graduation, the lower my work ethic stoops, and the worse I feel about the utterly pathetic excuse of a human being that I now am. The reason why I'm confused is because occasionally, I have moments where I enjoy myself. Where I enjoy life. It feels like I'm bobbling on a line between despair and hope and I'm not sure whether that makes me truly depressed/suicidal.",throwaway202427,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd87g5/am_i_depressed/,try transparent possible without revealing much high school senior graduate 3 month feel like life ha defined pressure get good grade done decently well regard ha come expense social life lot thing value used love sport played feel like burden even show practice feel way extracurricular activity involved rejected several college program already thought decent shot getting occasionally think real suicidal impulse know much fucking pussy anything closer closer get graduation lower work ethic stoop worse feel utterly pathetic excuse human reason confused occasionally moment enjoy enjoy life feel like bobbling line despair hope sure whether make truly depressed suicidal,depressed,throwaway 202427,1159,15,throwaway 202427 try transparent possible without revealing much high school senior graduate 3 month feel like life ha defined pressure get good grade done decently well regard ha come expense social life lot thing value used love sport played feel like burden even show practice feel way extracurricular activity involved rejected several college program already thought decent shot getting occasionally think real suicidal impulse know much fucking pussy anything closer closer get graduation lower work ethic stoop worse feel utterly pathetic excuse human reason confused occasionally moment enjoy enjoy life feel like bobbling line despair hope sure whether make truly depressed suicidal depressed
Life is pain,I need to kill myself but I don’t have the guts right now. I’m scared it will go wrong or I’ll panic. I have so many reasons to kill myself. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel as much as I desperately want to. I feel so lost and alone.,throooway44,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdcfgz/life_is_pain/,need kill gut right scared go wrong panic many reason kill see light end tunnel much desperately want feel lost alone,life pain,thro oo way 44,245,12,thro oo way 44 need kill gut right scared go wrong panic many reason kill see light end tunnel much desperately want feel lost alone life pain
"Can't find a fucking job, I am lost and hopeless","I took some time off from college to chill out myself, but I need money. I feel lost that I can't fucking find a job. All the interviews that I got, I was rejected.",nujcesaspun,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd35vd/cant_find_a_fucking_job_i_am_lost_and_hopeless/,took time college chill need money feel lost fucking find job interview got wa rejected,find fucking job lost hopeless,nu j ce spun,164,48,nu j ce spun took time college chill need money feel lost fucking find job interview got wa rejected find fucking job lost hopeless
My first post,"I have been diagnosed with major depression and anxiety years ago. Hi, I'm a 41 year old male with a good job, make good money, why should I be hurting? Depression, anxiety and suicide runs in my family. I have been committed to a 72 hour hold twice for being suicidal and planning my suicide. I do self harm. I think about suicide weekly, sometimes daily. I don't want medication but I self medicate with alcohol, work obsession or high risk sports. I'm embarrassed because I can't fit in with life, I'm broken with no fix. I suffer in silence as I don't want to bother my family, friends and girlfriend. I have planned my suicide many times, even tonight. Yes, I have written many suicide notes as well.

If I tell someone, they lock me up without shoelaces. This is not what I need, this causes me to hide it even more. I'm broken with no fix. I already go through cycles of being numb, angry, and sad. I don't want to feel numb from medication (I've been there before, what is the purpose.). I don't trust anyone to talk about this with, they respond with ways that make me hide my what I truly feel.

I want this pain to stop, the pain I've been feeling for years. Why am I broken? Besides not waking up, I don't know what else is the answer. I understand why my family member committed suicide, I get it, it isn't selfish, it is to stop the pain that many can't understand.

I don't know what to do. Do I end it, hide in silence and keep everyone happy, or say something and be even more miserable and in turn become more numb? Who really cares? I know alcohol doesn't help, but it helps me sleep, or if I don't drink here I am wide awake trying to make my brain quiet. I do high risk sports, secretly hoping that I will die.

I spent last night at the emergency room alone, I didn't contact my family, friends and erased a message for my girlfriend (I wasn't sure if it was a heart attack and didn't want to die alone but didn't want to bother anyone). My girlfriend saw some erased messages, so I told my girlfriend that it was some chest pain I wanted to make sure wasn't anything, I never told my family or friends and never will.

I don't know what to do, I need this to stop. This is my cycle, I'm numb or angry at everyone and push everyone way. If I wake up tomorrow, I will think whoever wrote this is an idiot and stupid, numb and ignorant to the pain I feel. Cycle repeats.

Help.",h1d1ngInSight,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fda5f9/my_first_post/,diagnosed major depression anxiety year ago hi 41 year old male good job make good money hurting depression anxiety suicide run family committed 72 hour hold twice suicidal planning suicide self harm think suicide weekly sometimes daily want medication self medicate alcohol work obsession high risk sport embarrassed fit life broken fix suffer silence want bother family friend girlfriend planned suicide many time even tonight yes written many suicide note well tell someone lock without shoelace need cause hide even broken fix already go cycle numb angry sad want feel numb medication purpose trust anyone talk respond way make hide truly feel want pain stop pain feeling year broken besides waking know else answer understand family member committed suicide get selfish stop pain many understand know end hide silence keep everyone happy say something even miserable turn become numb really care know alcohol help help sleep drink wide awake trying make brain quiet high risk sport secretly hoping die spent last night emergency room alone contact family friend erased message girlfriend sure wa heart attack want die alone want bother anyone girlfriend saw erased message told girlfriend wa chest pain wanted make sure anything never told family friend never know need stop cycle numb angry everyone push everyone way wake tomorrow think whoever wrote idiot stupid numb ignorant pain feel cycle repeat help,first post,h 1 1 ng insight,2397,13,h 1 1 ng insight diagnosed major depression anxiety year ago hi 41 year old male good job make good money hurting depression anxiety suicide run family committed 72 hour hold twice suicidal planning suicide self harm think suicide weekly sometimes daily want medication self medicate alcohol work obsession high risk sport embarrassed fit life broken fix suffer silence want bother family friend girlfriend planned suicide many time even tonight yes written many suicide note well tell someone lock without shoelace need cause hide even broken fix already go cycle numb angry sad want feel numb medication purpose trust anyone talk respond way make hide truly feel want pain stop pain feeling year broken besides waking know else answer understand family member committed suicide get selfish stop pain many understand know end hide silence keep everyone happy say something even miserable turn become numb really care know alcohol help help sleep drink wide awake trying make brain quiet high risk sport secretly hoping die spent last night emergency room alone contact family friend erased message girlfriend sure wa heart attack want die alone want bother anyone girlfriend saw erased message told girlfriend wa chest pain wanted make sure anything never told family friend never know need stop cycle numb angry everyone push everyone way wake tomorrow think whoever wrote idiot stupid numb ignorant pain feel cycle repeat help first post
"Attempted, stopped midway through","Yesterday I attempted suicide but stopped midway through (you could say chickened out?). Anyhow, I felt really drowsy immedietely after and went to sleep. Woke up this morning with terrible headache, nausea and cold sweats. I've thrown up twice in the past couple of hours. Had to miss class because of this and honestly I'm really worried about failing. I can't eat anything without throwing up. So I am just lying in bed munching on gummies because that's all I can stomach right now.",Playful-Airline,20,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0k0r/attempted_stopped_midway_through/,yesterday attempted suicide stopped midway could say chickened anyhow felt really drowsy immedietely went sleep woke morning terrible headache nausea cold sweat thrown twice past couple hour miss class honestly really worried failing eat anything without throwing lying bed munching gummies stomach right,attempted stopped midway,playful airline,486,33,playful airline yesterday attempted suicide stopped midway could say chickened anyhow felt really drowsy immedietely went sleep woke morning terrible headache nausea cold sweat thrown twice past couple hour miss class honestly really worried failing eat anything without throwing lying bed munching gummies stomach right attempted stopped midway
This is it.,It wss a fun ride while it lasted.,Aritoko,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8wbf/this_is_it/,w fun ride lasted,,ari toko,34,11,ari toko w fun ride lasted 
"Making plans and preperations actually helps, because i'm seriously starting to doubt that people actually care","I've actually had my suicide note writen out ages ago, now i'm thinking of getting something that'll help me to do it when i'm ready, i won't specify what exactly, i honestly don't feel like things are worth it right now nor do i feel like i'll actually be understood with what i think about the future and my life, i just want to opt out and not continue existing anymore, what's the point of life if we're all going to die one day anyway.",GreatJustinTheDarkNi,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdc1qy/making_plans_and_preperations_actually_helps/,actually suicide note writen age ago thinking getting something help ready specify exactly honestly feel like thing worth right feel like actually understood think future life want opt continue existing anymore point life going die one day anyway,making plan preperations actually help seriously starting doubt people actually care,great dark ni,440,111,great dark ni actually suicide note writen age ago thinking getting something help ready specify exactly honestly feel like thing worth right feel like actually understood think future life want opt continue existing anymore point life going die one day anyway making plan preperations actually help seriously starting doubt people actually care
Why does it hurt so much?,"I wish it was easier or that I was stronger to just feel the pain. It will be the last time I will feel it, afterall.",mooniah,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9z6q/why_does_it_hurt_so_much/,wish wa easier wa stronger feel pain last time feel afterall,doe hurt much,moon ah,117,25,moon ah wish wa easier wa stronger feel pain last time feel afterall doe hurt much
"even if i make it pass this year, i know i won't last long.",i can't bare to get out of my bed in the morning. i can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling like i am about to throw up. i have no long term plans and even though there is a couple things i don't wanna miss out i know i won't last enough. the wait won't be worth it.,STARSM0RE,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9xe2/even_if_i_make_it_pass_this_year_i_know_i_wont/,bare get bed morning look mirror without feeling like throw long term plan even though couple thing wanna miss know last enough wait worth,even make pas year know last long,star 0,277,59,star 0 bare get bed morning look mirror without feeling like throw long term plan even though couple thing wanna miss know last enough wait worth even make pas year know last long
so long and thanks for all the fish,"I really want to die. I just don't have it in me to go on any longer. Every single day is pain. And I have really lost my patience to go through it all. This world is just too much. I just can't make myself heard. No one listens. No one understands my fears, my pain. I am tired of begging the ones close to me to understand me. It more than often seems that I am just a burden that they are carrying, and until everything is right with me, they are right, when something goes wrong with me and I need their help, they take up arms against me. I am very tired of all this. I am tired of this life. I don't want to live any more. There is absolutely no joy in my life, just pretence. Every smile is a pretence, every laugh is a sham trying to hide the screams I am screaming inside. And it has been going on for years now. I am so tired. If I were numb, I could have lived through any pain for a long long time, but unfortunately I am sensitive as fuck. I don't know how not to get affected by my mind. I don't know how not to get affected by all the rubbish overthinking that I do. It is all my fault. All my fault. I am a crack. I don't fit here amidst all these perfection, who just can't take my imperfection. I am so tired Maa. Come take me. I want to go back to you. I have had enough with this world. It has been such a long time since the warmth of your void. There was no pain. Nothing to cry the whole night about. No night. No day. Nothing. I was just nothing like you Maa. Why did I have to come here? I couldn't have asked for a life like this, where my own mind becomes my enemy, and I sit like a mute observer, unable to change anything. Just watching and suffering every consequences on this body which won't even be with me when I leave. Why do I suffer so much? What have I done to deserve so much pain? Have I given someone this much pain in life? Maybe I have. And maybe it is all coming back to me. So I beg you, whoever you are that makes all things go.. give it all to me once. Give all of whatever pain you have kept for me, all at once. And release me from this shell. I do not want it any more. I have no use for such an existence. Take me back to the nothing that I always was. I want to die Maa. I've had it enough.",lastlettertotheworld,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdbwbz/so_long_and_thanks_for_all_the_fish/,really want die go longer every single day pain really lost patience go world much make heard one listens one understands fear pain tired begging one close understand often seems burden carrying everything right right something go wrong need help take arm tired tired life want live absolutely joy life pretence every smile pretence every laugh sham trying hide scream screaming inside ha going year tired numb could lived pain long long time unfortunately sensitive fuck know get affected mind know get affected rubbish overthinking fault fault crack fit amidst perfection take imperfection tired maa come take want go back enough world ha long time since warmth void wa pain nothing cry whole night night day nothing wa nothing like maa come asked life like mind becomes enemy sit like mute observer unable change anything watching suffering every consequence body even leave suffer much done deserve much pain given someone much pain life maybe maybe coming back beg whoever make thing go give give whatever pain kept release shell want use existence take back nothing always wa want die maa enough,long thanks fish,last letter world,2242,35,last letter world really want die go longer every single day pain really lost patience go world much make heard one listens one understands fear pain tired begging one close understand often seems burden carrying everything right right something go wrong need help take arm tired tired life want live absolutely joy life pretence every smile pretence every laugh sham trying hide scream screaming inside ha going year tired numb could lived pain long long time unfortunately sensitive fuck know get affected mind know get affected rubbish overthinking fault fault crack fit amidst perfection take imperfection tired maa come take want go back enough world ha long time since warmth void wa pain nothing cry whole night night day nothing wa nothing like maa come asked life like mind becomes enemy sit like mute observer unable change anything watching suffering every consequence body even leave suffer much done deserve much pain given someone much pain life maybe maybe coming back beg whoever make thing go give give whatever pain kept release shell want use existence take back nothing always wa want die maa enough long thanks fish
"Life is going nowhere, can’t walk, feel like a huge disappoitment and a burden.","Hey Reddit. I’ve been debating posting on here for a while but I’m having more suicidal thoughts than ever before and I just need to get this all of my chest. I’m 32, male. I have an amazing girlfriend who is way out of my league and a fun job I enjoy and yet, here I am. 

Despite having some really good parts of my life, I’m slammed by thoughts of being worthless and just living a pointless existence. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs and my credit is trashed. I feel like despite getting a $15,000 raise at work, I’m still nowhere near where I want to be at this point in my life. I feel like I have no tangible future and am just waiting to die one day. In the past 4 years I’ve lost my father and my grandmother, two of the most influential people in my life. I’m in the process of moving but am having a difficult time finding good apartments because of my credit so Ive been forced to stay with my mom until I’m settled. I travel for my job and my car is falling apart but I don’t have good replacement options again because of the credit issue. I’m ridden with anxiety about everything and fear of future issues prevents me from enjoying the now. To top it all off, I was visiting my girlfriend this weekend who lives a few hours away from me and I severely inured my knee and I can’t walk. I have to find a surgeon and probably have an operation and she wants to take care of me hand and foot but it just makes me feel like I’m a giant burden. She’s so amazing and I feel like I don’t offer anything financially and am just a 32 dependent who, as of right now can barely make it to the bathroom because of this damn leg. 

I am an atheist. I don’t believe in any form of an afterlife as I just can’t accept something with no evidence. I firmly believe in my heart that my grandmother and father are gone. Aside from their graves nothing remains of them and they are not in another realm enjoying themselves. All that exists for then is the black void of nothingness. And despite so many rays of sunshine in my dark life, I feel so envious of them. To not have to feel this anxiety and pain anymore is such an appealing feeling to me. This world is such a terrible place where ignorance and hate have run so rampant and people take such joy in hurting their fellow man. What future can society have with a foundation like this? I find myself thinking about ending everything on a near daily basis. I see lots of redditors posting here about how they are excited for some kind of afterlife because they can’t accept that this is the best we can do. But for me, an absence of anything would be as good as the existence of a heaven. 

I feel better having laid all this out in text but I still find myself objectively weighing the pros and cons of ending my life. So I don’t know what I was hoping for by posting this. Maybe I need someone to talk me off the ledge... who knows. But in all honestly, leaping from the ledge looks better and bettter with each passing minute...",Mimikyummy,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9umt/life_is_going_nowhere_cant_walk_feel_like_a_huge/,hey reddit debating posting suicidal thought ever need get chest 32 male amazing girlfriend way league fun job enjoy yet despite really good part life slammed thought worthless living pointless existence debt eyeball credit trashed feel like despite getting 15 000 raise work still nowhere near want point life feel like tangible future waiting die one day past 4 year lost father grandmother two influential people life process moving difficult time finding good apartment credit ive forced stay mom settled travel job car falling apart good replacement option credit issue ridden anxiety everything fear future issue prevents enjoying top wa visiting girlfriend weekend life hour away severely inured knee walk find surgeon probably operation want take care hand foot make feel like giant burden amazing feel like offer anything financially 32 dependent right barely make bathroom damn leg atheist believe form afterlife accept something evidence firmly believe heart grandmother father gone aside graf nothing remains another realm enjoying exists black void nothingness despite many ray sunshine dark life feel envious feel anxiety pain anymore appealing feeling world terrible place ignorance hate run rampant people take joy hurting fellow man future society foundation like find thinking ending everything near daily basis see lot redditors posting excited kind afterlife accept best absence anything would good existence heaven feel better laid text still find objectively weighing pro con ending life know wa hoping posting maybe need someone talk ledge know honestly leaping ledge look better bettter passing minute,life going nowhere walk feel like huge disappoitment burden,mimi k yummy,2979,79,mimi k yummy hey reddit debating posting suicidal thought ever need get chest 32 male amazing girlfriend way league fun job enjoy yet despite really good part life slammed thought worthless living pointless existence debt eyeball credit trashed feel like despite getting 15 000 raise work still nowhere near want point life feel like tangible future waiting die one day past 4 year lost father grandmother two influential people life process moving difficult time finding good apartment credit ive forced stay mom settled travel job car falling apart good replacement option credit issue ridden anxiety everything fear future issue prevents enjoying top wa visiting girlfriend weekend life hour away severely inured knee walk find surgeon probably operation want take care hand foot make feel like giant burden amazing feel like offer anything financially 32 dependent right barely make bathroom damn leg atheist believe form afterlife accept something evidence firmly believe heart grandmother father gone aside graf nothing remains another realm enjoying exists black void nothingness despite many ray sunshine dark life feel envious feel anxiety pain anymore appealing feeling world terrible place ignorance hate run rampant people take joy hurting fellow man future society foundation like find thinking ending everything near daily basis see lot redditors posting excited kind afterlife accept best absence anything would good existence heaven feel better laid text still find objectively weighing pro con ending life know wa hoping posting maybe need someone talk ledge know honestly leaping ledge look better bettter passing minute life going nowhere walk feel like huge disappoitment burden
Another day in the class another i wish i could die,"I am mature student in, Toxic class mates, basically today i was older than the teacher i hate myself i want die, i had car accident 2 years ago i wish i died in it why i have to live to see this, every goddamn person i know has done much more than me in his life, i hate myself, i live in the 4th floor best thing is jumping",wolfwolf0202,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdbu1b/another_day_in_the_class_another_i_wish_i_could/,mature student toxic class mate basically today wa older teacher hate want die car accident 2 year ago wish died live see every goddamn person know ha done much life hate live 4th floor best thing jumping,another day class another wish could die,wolf wolf 0202,325,51,wolf wolf 0202 mature student toxic class mate basically today wa older teacher hate want die car accident 2 year ago wish died live see every goddamn person know ha done much life hate live 4th floor best thing jumping another day class another wish could die
I’m feeling suicidal,"I’ve been hospitalised twice this last few weeks for severe depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety. My fiancé has just now broken up with me. I am an absolute mess. And I have no one. Can someone please tell me it will be ok. I am broken.",bambiloulou,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdbrt0/im_feeling_suicidal/,hospitalised twice last week severe depression suicidal thought anxiety fiancé ha broken absolute mess one someone please tell ok broken,feeling suicidal,bambi lou lou,241,20,bambi lou lou hospitalised twice last week severe depression suicidal thought anxiety fiancé ha broken absolute mess one someone please tell ok broken feeling suicidal
It took me attempting suicide to realise that I was right about nobody caring if I died.,"So last week everything got to me.

I've lost my son, wife, car, my home even and haven't eaten in 5 days as I have nothing to my name. Living off nothing but tap water for substance. I'm week and ill due to this.

My parents won't help, they say I'm a wimp for attempting.

My father said I was worthless and amount to nothing before offering to kick my face in for being a ""puff"" (rich as he's never worked in my entire life a day and mum's always provided for him while I've worked abroad, owned a home and much more but yeah).

My friends avoid me and don't want to hang around me, o only have a place to sleep thanks to my mother, but it's a rock hard floor and my father won't let me stay, eat or do anything there so in the day I'm cut lose to wonder the streets in the rain and cold. A problem as we've had a lot of major storms and even flooding here recently.

So last week I went to the lake I frequented as a child and hung myself. That was meant to be it. But in typical pathetic fashion I failed here too. The rope snapped.

I woke up a few minutes later, dizzy from the fall, unsure where I was due to the lack of oxygen. Eventually I recovered and went back to my parents to sleep. Wet, drenched, in pain and hungry. The next morning the abuse from my father began.

I'm 24 and I have nothing, only a few months ago I had everything and a newborn son. My ex wife took all that, took him thousands of miles away. I miss him more than anything.

But nobody cares I'm hungry, cold, alone. Nobody even cares I attempted suicide.

Not a single friend wants to spend time with me. My family hates me. My son isn't there to comfort me.

All I can take pride in now is my ability to end everything again soon, to finally have this all over, and this time I won't fail hopefully.",barkatthemoon777,11,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd38v7/it_took_me_attempting_suicide_to_realise_that_i/,last week everything got lost son wife car home even eaten 5 day nothing name living nothing tap water substance week ill due parent help say wimp attempting father said wa worthless amount nothing offering kick face puff rich never worked entire life day mum always provided worked abroad owned home much yeah friend avoid want hang around place sleep thanks mother rock hard floor father let stay eat anything day cut lose wonder street rain cold problem lot major storm even flooding recently last week went lake frequented child hung wa meant typical pathetic fashion failed rope snapped woke minute later dizzy fall unsure wa due lack oxygen eventually recovered went back parent sleep wet drenched pain hungry next morning abuse father began 24 nothing month ago everything newborn son ex wife took took thousand mile away miss anything nobody care hungry cold alone nobody even care attempted suicide single friend want spend time family hate son comfort take pride ability end everything soon finally time fail hopefully,took attempting suicide realise wa right nobody caring died,bark moon 777,1786,88,bark moon 777 last week everything got lost son wife car home even eaten 5 day nothing name living nothing tap water substance week ill due parent help say wimp attempting father said wa worthless amount nothing offering kick face puff rich never worked entire life day mum always provided worked abroad owned home much yeah friend avoid want hang around place sleep thanks mother rock hard floor father let stay eat anything day cut lose wonder street rain cold problem lot major storm even flooding recently last week went lake frequented child hung wa meant typical pathetic fashion failed rope snapped woke minute later dizzy fall unsure wa due lack oxygen eventually recovered went back parent sleep wet drenched pain hungry next morning abuse father began 24 nothing month ago everything newborn son ex wife took took thousand mile away miss anything nobody care hungry cold alone nobody even care attempted suicide single friend want spend time family hate son comfort take pride ability end everything soon finally time fail hopefully took attempting suicide realise wa right nobody caring died
I've decided I am killing myself by the end of the year,If nothing changes by the end of the year I've decided to kill myself. I can't live like this anymore. I'm so tried. I'm sick of failing in life again and again and again I'm sick of people calling me crazy I'm of being treated like crap I'm sick of life. If nothing changes by the end of the year I plan on killing myself before I turn 20. IM SO TRIED I WANT IT TO END I WANT RELIEF,LifeIsHorrible002,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdbix5/ive_decided_i_am_killing_myself_by_the_end_of_the/,nothing change end year decided kill live like anymore tried sick failing life sick people calling crazy treated like crap sick life nothing change end year plan killing turn 20 im tried want end want relief,decided killing end year,life horrible 002,383,55,life horrible 002 nothing change end year decided kill live like anymore tried sick failing life sick people calling crazy treated like crap sick life nothing change end year plan killing turn 20 im tried want end want relief decided killing end year
Getting my life back ish,"So I had a breakdown around 6 months ago, have yet to recover from it, although I'm due to go back to uni at the end of the month, so little by little I'm sorting my life out. 

Unfortunately this has done sweet fuck all to improve my mood and I'm still suicidal. I think that going back to uni (in a course that requires I have bare arms for practicals/placements) and having people see my recent self harm scarring is going to be the final straw that pushes me over the edge. 

The thought of it makes me feel physically sick, honestly it'll be a miracle if I'm alive by easter.",Hopelesshuman99,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdbibe/getting_my_life_back_ish/,breakdown around 6 month ago yet recover although due go back uni end month little little sorting life unfortunately ha done sweet fuck improve mood still suicidal think going back uni course requires bare arm practicals placement people see recent self harm scarring going final straw push edge thought make feel physically sick honestly miracle alive easter,getting life back ish,hopeless human 99,580,24,hopeless human 99 breakdown around 6 month ago yet recover although due go back uni end month little little sorting life unfortunately ha done sweet fuck improve mood still suicidal think going back uni course requires bare arm practicals placement people see recent self harm scarring going final straw push edge thought make feel physically sick honestly miracle alive easter getting life back ish
Anyone knows EdwardKinley ?,Got in touch with this young guy and cannot figure d him anymore..I hope is fine.,italicopi,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9gf8/anyone_knows_edwardkinley/,got touch young guy cannot figure anymore hope fine,anyone know edwardkinley,italic opi,81,27,italic opi got touch young guy cannot figure anymore hope fine anyone know edwardkinley
How the fuck am i supposed to stay alive for everyone else,The only reason im not dead yet is bc of my friends amd family. I could neber hurt them like that. But its draining. I fucking hate it. I hate it with every fiber. But i have to stay alive so at least this bullshit paim doesn't affect others. This is bullshit.,dry-plant,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcy5uu/how_the_fuck_am_i_supposed_to_stay_alive_for/,reason im dead yet bc friend amd family could neber hurt like draining fucking hate hate every fiber stay alive least bullshit paim affect others bullshit,fuck supposed stay alive everyone else,dry plant,260,58,dry plant reason im dead yet bc friend amd family could neber hurt like draining fucking hate hate every fiber stay alive least bullshit paim affect others bullshit fuck supposed stay alive everyone else
"Got that sick, hideous grin on my face because i don't give a fuck anymore","I had enough to drink that it doesn't hurt, still know what i have to do. Drove my support people further away so they're safe. It's about that time.",BamaSOH,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6p5f/got_that_sick_hideous_grin_on_my_face_because_i/,enough drink hurt still know drove support people away safe time,got sick hideous grin face give fuck anymore,bam oh,149,74,bam oh enough drink hurt still know drove support people away safe time got sick hideous grin face give fuck anymore
I wish i wasn't born in the first place.,"If I could just, stop existing. I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can't... I have to commit suicide in order to do that. And even then I leave footsteps. My family would be hurt.

I just wish that i was never born in the first place. Then a poor family wouldn't have to worry about me. This is one of the reasons i haven't done it yet. My girlfriend would also be very upset. I just want to go without anyone being sad about me, like I never even happened.

That would be so nice",Jefvv,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7u3l/i_wish_i_wasnt_born_in_the_first_place/,could stop existing would heartbeat commit suicide order even leave footstep family would hurt wish wa never born first place poor family worry one reason done yet girlfriend would also upset want go without anyone sad like never even happened would nice,wish born first place,jef v v,481,40,jef v v could stop existing would heartbeat commit suicide order even leave footstep family would hurt wish wa never born first place poor family worry one reason done yet girlfriend would also upset want go without anyone sad like never even happened would nice wish born first place
Is there any point in me trying anymore?,I’m 20 years old unemployed and just got an email saying I might not be able to stay in university next year. I have zero friends and speak to my family at most once a month. I haven’t been eating properly and have very little motivation to do anything. I’ve tried many times to fix this but I’m ready to just end it.,Feb29-cakeday,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd98qh/is_there_any_point_in_me_trying_anymore/,20 year old unemployed got email saying might able stay university next year zero friend speak family month eating properly little motivation anything tried many time fix ready end,point trying anymore,feb 29 cake day,317,40,feb 29 cake day 20 year old unemployed got email saying might able stay university next year zero friend speak family month eating properly little motivation anything tried many time fix ready end point trying anymore
I don't know.,"Just that. I don't know what to do anymore. You know that ""scream"" painting by Edvard Munch? I pretty much feel like that. :( I really just need someone to talk to.",FoolofaTook719,14,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd95e6/i_dont_know/,know anymore know scream painting edvard munch pretty much feel like really need someone talk,know,fool took 719,164,13,fool took 719 know anymore know scream painting edvard munch pretty much feel like really need someone talk know
"It comes in waves, but I’m really feeling it this time.","I have been dealing with depression since my mid-teens. It comes in waves. I go from a deep depression to a more mild feeling, but it’s always there. As I got older, the low tide began to stick around longer than the high tide. I have tried numerous prescriptions with no result, and no other form of therapy has caused the slightest change in the way I feel.

For the past year, I have lost all enjoyment in every aspect of my life. Usually this passes but this is the longest stretch I’ve had. It’s almost like I’ve come to some sort of acceptance that this is how I’m going to feel forever if I don’t end it.

The current climate of the world (I don’t mean Global Warming) has also pushed me the closest I’ve ever been to ending it. I used to enjoy movies, music, television and video games as a form of escape. I can’t enjoy them anymore. The hyper-politicalization of EVERYTHING has corroded away the enjoyment I received from the few things I used as an escape.

I am very good at hiding my feelings, and nobody knows about my thoughts and plans for suicide. My friends and coworkers all know me as an easy going, relaxed guy. I also don’t want them to know, so it’s a full time job on top of my job to keep it up, and it’s exhausting.

I made plans on how I would do it during my last low point, and I’m closer now than ever. I have all the means to pull it off, I just have to do it. 

I’m also not sure why I posted this. Maybe a way to flesh out a suicide note. I’ve been on reddit for years, but never posted. Maybe I’m just knocking something off my bucket list before I let go.",Gardenball,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6ije/it_comes_in_waves_but_im_really_feeling_it_this/,dealing depression since mid teen come wave go deep depression mild feeling always got older low tide began stick around longer high tide tried numerous prescription result form therapy ha caused slightest change way feel past year lost enjoyment every aspect life usually pass longest stretch almost like come sort acceptance going feel forever end current climate world mean global warming ha also pushed closest ever ending used enjoy movie music television video game form escape enjoy anymore hyper politicalization everything ha corroded away enjoyment received thing used escape good hiding feeling nobody know thought plan suicide friend coworkers know easy going relaxed guy also want know full time job top job keep exhausting made plan would last low point closer ever mean pull also sure posted maybe way flesh suicide note reddit year never posted maybe knocking something bucket list let go,come wave really feeling time,garden ball,1590,55,garden ball dealing depression since mid teen come wave go deep depression mild feeling always got older low tide began stick around longer high tide tried numerous prescription result form therapy ha caused slightest change way feel past year lost enjoyment every aspect life usually pass longest stretch almost like come sort acceptance going feel forever end current climate world mean global warming ha also pushed closest ever ending used enjoy movie music television video game form escape enjoy anymore hyper politicalization everything ha corroded away enjoyment received thing used escape good hiding feeling nobody know thought plan suicide friend coworkers know easy going relaxed guy also want know full time job top job keep exhausting made plan would last low point closer ever mean pull also sure posted maybe way flesh suicide note reddit year never posted maybe knocking something bucket list let go come wave really feeling time
You know when you finally ask for help and someone pretends to help you but doesn’t really?,"I’ve been suffering for years and just this November I decided to tell my parents and ask for help because I couldn’t find a therapist on my own and wanted help. They listened, said a lot of “the right things” but near the end of the discussion they summed it up to stress and school and activities and tried to “fix my problems”. They agreed to search for a therapist though and a couple days later even told me they found someone and were waiting on a call back. It’s been about 4 months and there’s been nothing. When I ask they only say they’re waiting on a call back. I just want help. It’s gotten progressively worse and worse. I’ve come here because I am in a place currently where I’m afraid I could go home and commit suicide. I just needed to rant, sorry if this doesn’t fit the sub or the rules, I only scanned them.",PrimosaurUltimate,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd10uk/you_know_when_you_finally_ask_for_help_and/,suffering year november decided tell parent ask help find therapist wanted help listened said lot right thing near end discussion summed stress school activity tried fix problem agreed search therapist though couple day later even told found someone waiting call back 4 month nothing ask say waiting call back want help gotten progressively worse worse come place currently afraid could go home commit suicide needed rant sorry fit sub rule scanned,know finally ask help someone pretend help really,primo aur ultimate,827,91,primo aur ultimate suffering year november decided tell parent ask help find therapist wanted help listened said lot right thing near end discussion summed stress school activity tried fix problem agreed search therapist though couple day later even told found someone waiting call back 4 month nothing ask say waiting call back want help gotten progressively worse worse come place currently afraid could go home commit suicide needed rant sorry fit sub rule scanned know finally ask help someone pretend help really
I want to be sectioned,I feel like life is too hard but I' not sure whether to kill myself. I've been to a mental hospital for appointments and medication but I want to be sectioned instead of forced to live in the normal everyday life that everyone else is living. Anyone know how I can get in?,Rammstein24,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdb4lj/i_want_to_be_sectioned/,feel like life hard sure whether kill mental hospital appointment medication want sectioned instead forced live normal everyday life everyone else living anyone know get,want sectioned,rammstein 24,272,22,rammstein 24 feel like life hard sure whether kill mental hospital appointment medication want sectioned instead forced live normal everyday life everyone else living anyone know get want sectioned
vent,"i hate myself. i hate everything i do and how it affects my environment. i’m flunking school and ruining my relationships with people. i see people who have dropped me out of their life be really really happy. i asked for help multiple times but no one takes me seriously. though i’m funny, thats all ill ever be to everyone. everyday its just pain and pain and pain. it hurts to keep going towards nothing but more pain, hurt and self hate",elianystinks,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd92w0/vent/,hate hate everything affect environment flunking school ruining relationship people see people dropped life really really happy asked help multiple time one take seriously though funny thats ill ever everyone everyday pain pain pain hurt keep going towards nothing pain hurt self hate,vent,eli stink,440,4,eli stink hate hate everything affect environment flunking school ruining relationship people see people dropped life really really happy asked help multiple time one take seriously though funny thats ill ever everyone everyday pain pain pain hurt keep going towards nothing pain hurt self hate vent
Will sodium nitrite kill me?,Is it painful,okcomptr,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6g3d/will_sodium_nitrite_kill_me/,painful,sodium nitrite kill,ok comp tr,13,28,ok comp tr painful sodium nitrite kill
I give up,"I think I really want and end now, I’m not gonna do it soon though everyone will be so beat up about not being able to to help.
I’m gonna just get back on with things and work and get another job and earn as much money as possible and I’ll eat and workout and I’ll do everything I planned to with this year.
I’ll go to all the therapy and the assessments.
I’ll stop with social media and wean people away slowly I guess and I’ll move away again like every knows I always planned to and then I’ll go.
I’ve been here before and then I felt hope that one day I’d be okay but I’m back there again, I never ever wanted to feel this again. To be honest I’ll probably end up feeling okay but the fear of feeling like this again it’s worth those periods of okay.
I wasn’t meant to be here and I’m sorry to everyone.
I have every wish I’ve ever prayed for now and I still feel numb, i only ever wanted to feel happy.
I go out with euphoria as planned and I’ll mention no one in my note you all deserve so much better.
I don’t see anything else fixing this",johnwxtson,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9297/i_give_up/,think really want end gonna soon though everyone beat able help gonna get back thing work get another job earn much money possible eat workout everything planned year go therapy assessment stop social medium wean people away slowly guess move away like every know always planned go felt hope one day okay back never ever wanted feel honest probably end feeling okay fear feeling like worth period okay meant sorry everyone every wish ever prayed still feel numb ever wanted feel happy go euphoria planned mention one note deserve much better see anything else fixing,give,john w xt son,1046,9,john w xt son think really want end gonna soon though everyone beat able help gonna get back thing work get another job earn much money possible eat workout everything planned year go therapy assessment stop social medium wean people away slowly guess move away like every know always planned go felt hope one day okay back never ever wanted feel honest probably end feeling okay fear feeling like worth period okay meant sorry everyone every wish ever prayed still feel numb ever wanted feel happy go euphoria planned mention one note deserve much better see anything else fixing give
Haven’t been this suicidal in a long time,But I don’t know if I can come back from this.  I feel like I have nowhere to turn because I’ve alienated everyone.  I’m sick of being the fuck-up all the time.  For everyone else’s sake i should just do it and not chicken out like last time.  I’m thinking about stealing my roommates bottle of Ativan & taking all of it w/ the liquor I have.  It’s over.,3hunnaz,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7k8b/havent_been_this_suicidal_in_a_long_time/,know come back feel like nowhere turn alienated everyone sick fuck time everyone else sake chicken like last time thinking stealing roommate bottle ativan amp taking w liquor,suicidal long time,3 hun naz,358,41,3 hun naz know come back feel like nowhere turn alienated everyone sick fuck time everyone else sake chicken like last time thinking stealing roommate bottle ativan amp taking w liquor suicidal long time
SARS-CoV2,"Is it bad that I kind of want to just catch the virus already? I have a lot of health conditions and if I die from the virus, oh well it was tragic. Just get it over with. My odds of getting it are pretty high anyway, seeing that I live in the epicenter of the US outbreak and have to go out in public for work. 

I’m already a burden to everyone around me. I’m an inconvenience and my pain is over dramatic. I don’t have the right to complain and don’t want to annoy those around me by saying anything or accidentally letting on that something is up. The way I feel is disproportionate to the severity of my problems and I should be over it. Dying by COVID-19 would solve that, honestly. I don’t really want to die, especially not from suffocation and pneumonia, but it feels inevitable right now.

Sorry for the rant. If you read to the end, have a good night and wash your hands. Maybe it’ll end this thing sooner.",geber02,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7ff6/sarscov2/,bad kind want catch virus already lot health condition die virus oh well wa tragic get odds getting pretty high anyway seeing live epicenter u outbreak go public work already burden everyone around inconvenience pain dramatic right complain want annoy around saying anything accidentally letting something way feel disproportionate severity problem dying covid 19 would solve honestly really want die especially suffocation pneumonia feel inevitable right sorry rant read end good night wash hand maybe end thing sooner,sars cov2,geber 02,917,9,geber 02 bad kind want catch virus already lot health condition die virus oh well wa tragic get odds getting pretty high anyway seeing live epicenter u outbreak go public work already burden everyone around inconvenience pain dramatic right complain want annoy around saying anything accidentally letting something way feel disproportionate severity problem dying covid 19 would solve honestly really want die especially suffocation pneumonia feel inevitable right sorry rant read end good night wash hand maybe end thing sooner sars cov2
I’m becoming more and more sure that I’ll kill myself,"Life was really great but then things just completely changed and now life is just really horrible. I find myself thinking about suicide more often, and I thought about it before during a bad time, but now I’m just more sure that I’m gonna do it and I’m kind of relieved about it. I can imagine myself about to die, and I’m not as fearful as before. Anyways, I’m thinking of making a plan soon, and I’m thinking about hanging or maybe even using hydrogen sulfide (detergent suicide). If anyone knows anything about using hydrogen sulfide and any discomfort associated with it, I’d appreciate learning about it :)

I’m so exhausted guys, I just wish I had someone to talk to but I feel like I just get this weird feeling that stops me from talking about it to a specific person. I hope I can end things peacefully. Thanks for reading.",mooooooosic,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8tba/im_becoming_more_and_more_sure_that_ill_kill/,life wa really great thing completely changed life really horrible find thinking suicide often thought bad time sure gonna kind relieved imagine die fearful anyways thinking making plan soon thinking hanging maybe even using hydrogen sulfide detergent suicide anyone know anything using hydrogen sulfide discomfort associated appreciate learning exhausted guy wish someone talk feel like get weird feeling stop talking specific person hope end thing peacefully thanks reading,becoming sure kill,mo ooo ooo sic,833,53,mo ooo ooo sic life wa really great thing completely changed life really horrible find thinking suicide often thought bad time sure gonna kind relieved imagine die fearful anyways thinking making plan soon thinking hanging maybe even using hydrogen sulfide detergent suicide anyone know anything using hydrogen sulfide discomfort associated appreciate learning exhausted guy wish someone talk feel like get weird feeling stop talking specific person hope end thing peacefully thanks reading becoming sure kill
I bought meds online to kill myself,I'm really worried I will never receive them or that they are fake because I paid a lot for those and there are my only hope at a peaceful death. My other option is taking 30 pills of ibuprofen and opening an artery,findingstrengthtokms,43,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fczzkn/i_bought_meds_online_to_kill_myself/,really worried never receive fake paid lot hope peaceful death option taking 30 pill ibuprofen opening artery,bought med online kill,finding strength km,215,35,finding strength km really worried never receive fake paid lot hope peaceful death option taking 30 pill ibuprofen opening artery bought med online kill
Suicide or be abused?,"It just feels like life is a stack of endless abuse and trauma from being born. I would prefer not to spend my life friendless, alone, and bullied or abused for what seems like just being alive. And I’m sick of explaining what’s going on. No one is helpful and ppl think their lives and perspectives and view points are the only ones that seem to exists. Life is truly miserable I can’t even get out of bed anymore. I use to want to fight to be a musician. For what? To continue being abused and mistreated? Fucking hell where does this shit end.


I guess the real question is how do people find ways to live for something they don’t mind being abused for. Something that is more gratifying than actually suffering. For me it is making music and sharing it. That’s all. If I don’t blossom as an artists I can’t see any other way to make the pain worth fighting on for. I really need to focus on my music even if It kills me trying to reach my goals. What else is there for me to be alive for. I hate being abused and hate most things in life. Having a mediocre job isn’t worth being mistreated for. I have to die trying to do something from my wildest dreams or I will pull my plug. I’m just talking about myself. If you find joy in something I don’t then that is great. Whatever keeps ppl alive.   (Talking to myself trying to convince the shadow in my mind to not give in)",fixmeh2nt,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdapzs/suicide_or_be_abused/,feel like life stack endless abuse trauma born would prefer spend life friendless alone bullied abused seems like alive sick explaining going one helpful ppl think life perspective view point one seem exists life truly miserable even get bed anymore use want fight musician continue abused mistreated fucking hell doe shit end guess real question people find way live something mind abused something gratifying actually suffering making music sharing blossom artist see way make pain worth fighting really need focus music even kill trying reach goal else alive hate abused hate thing life mediocre job worth mistreated die trying something wildest dream pull plug talking find joy something great whatever keep ppl alive talking trying convince shadow mind give,suicide abused,fix meh 2 nt,1375,21,fix meh 2 nt feel like life stack endless abuse trauma born would prefer spend life friendless alone bullied abused seems like alive sick explaining going one helpful ppl think life perspective view point one seem exists life truly miserable even get bed anymore use want fight musician continue abused mistreated fucking hell doe shit end guess real question people find way live something mind abused something gratifying actually suffering making music sharing blossom artist see way make pain worth fighting really need focus music even kill trying reach goal else alive hate abused hate thing life mediocre job worth mistreated die trying something wildest dream pull plug talking find joy something great whatever keep ppl alive talking trying convince shadow mind give suicide abused
"I want to leave, been crying too much.","I can't remember a day when I have had a decent life. I can't remember I day when I haven't been abused in one way or the other. My head feels useless, I can't think. I feel worthless, I can't get a job to make a living and not have to share a bathroom with rats covered in rat feces. I'm tired of being kicked out and abused by the people I rent a place to stay from and to top it all off the guilt of seeing my dad pay for my living space in a shitty place because I can't get a job because every interview ends with, ""we would have hired you if you had a degree"" even though I always tell them before hand that I'm currently studying in my university and that I'm staring my 5th semester now. I only need two years for my degree and I'm willing to work long unfair hours but they still won't take me. I have been put on the back burner while my abusers live a lavish lifestyle. All because my dad chose them over their victims. The abuser has a master's degree but won't even get a job because my dad pays for them. I can't even get a job! I'm tired and defeated. I'm just alone.",Aimsm,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8lpb/i_want_to_leave_been_crying_too_much/,remember day decent life remember day abused one way head feel useless think feel worthless get job make living share bathroom rat covered rat feces tired kicked abused people rent place stay top guilt seeing dad pay living space shitty place get job every interview end would hired degree even though always tell hand currently studying university staring 5th semester need two year degree willing work long unfair hour still take put back burner abuser live lavish lifestyle dad chose victim abuser ha master degree even get job dad pay even get job tired defeated alone,want leave cry much,aim,1082,38,aim remember day decent life remember day abused one way head feel useless think feel worthless get job make living share bathroom rat covered rat feces tired kicked abused people rent place stay top guilt seeing dad pay living space shitty place get job every interview end would hired degree even though always tell hand currently studying university staring 5th semester need two year degree willing work long unfair hour still take put back burner abuser live lavish lifestyle dad chose victim abuser ha master degree even get job dad pay even get job tired defeated alone want leave cry much
just alone and confused,"In October, I was assaulted by my then ex-boyfriend. Even though we had broken up in August,  I had reached out to him because he was one of the few people who knew that it was the year anniversary of the first time I was assaulted. And then he raped me. 

Since then, nothing has been good for me. I’ve had to withdraw from the semester because I’ve been too depressed to go to any classes. My relationships are falling apart because I’m not acting like myself anymore and no one wants to be around me. Or maybe I just want to be alone, I don’t know. I don’t sleep at night because I don’t feel safe in my own bed after what happened. And I feel like there’s no one I can talk to about anything because they’re all sick of hearing about it. Even the people I know I can trust aren’t options. If I told my mom or dad, they’d make me move back home, and that would just make things so much worse. My closest friends would try to push me to get hospitalized, which my family can’t afford. I stopped seeing my therapist because I felt like whenever I tried to open up emotionally, she would change the subject. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to anymore. 

I’ve wanted to kill myself before, and I’ve actually had several suicide attempts. Something about this time feels different. I know what I would do, and I’m not sure if I’m more afraid that it would actually work this time, or afraid of the slight possibility I could still survive. I know I don’t want to die, really, and that I just want the pain to stop. But there’s nothing I can do that makes anything feel easier anymore and I don’t know if I have the energy to keep trying. 

I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from posting here. I’m not even sure if I want to kill myself yet. I just don’t have anyone else I can talk to but I need someone to hear that I’m struggling right now.",mcmuffens,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd12d8/just_alone_and_confused/,october wa assaulted ex boyfriend even though broken august reached wa one people knew wa year anniversary first time wa assaulted raped since nothing ha good withdraw semester depressed go class relationship falling apart acting like anymore one want around maybe want alone know sleep night feel safe bed happened feel like one talk anything sick hearing even people know trust option told mom dad make move back home would make thing much worse closest friend would try push get hospitalized family afford stopped seeing therapist felt like whenever tried open emotionally would change subject know talk anymore wanted kill actually several suicide attempt something time feel different know would sure afraid would actually work time afraid slight possibility could still survive know want die really want pain stop nothing make anything feel easier anymore know energy keep trying sure hoping get posting even sure want kill yet anyone else talk need someone hear struggling right,alone confused,mc muff en,1849,23,mc muff en october wa assaulted ex boyfriend even though broken august reached wa one people knew wa year anniversary first time wa assaulted raped since nothing ha good withdraw semester depressed go class relationship falling apart acting like anymore one want around maybe want alone know sleep night feel safe bed happened feel like one talk anything sick hearing even people know trust option told mom dad make move back home would make thing much worse closest friend would try push get hospitalized family afford stopped seeing therapist felt like whenever tried open emotionally would change subject know talk anymore wanted kill actually several suicide attempt something time feel different know would sure afraid would actually work time afraid slight possibility could still survive know want die really want pain stop nothing make anything feel easier anymore know energy keep trying sure hoping get posting even sure want kill yet anyone else talk need someone hear struggling right alone confused
Broke my 2 year sobriety/suicidal thoughts.,"Today I'm having a drink for the first time in almost 2 years. 

I'm just at a point where I just don't want to feel anymore. I don't have a job because my depression is crippling. It's been 6 months since I left my last job which I was there for 3 years until it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I've been trying to keep busy by doing home renovations but I can't even get out of bed past 1pm, even when I go to bed early. I know I need to see someone but I can't even make an appointment. But today, I don't know what snapped in me. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired. I am so tired. Why are we forced to stay alive? I would have killed myself a long time ago but it would destroy my small family. But it's just, I don't know how much longer...",disposablebabygirl,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5qru/broke_my_2_year_sobrietysuicidal_thoughts/,today drink first time almost 2 year point want feel anymore job depression crippling 6 month since left last job wa 3 year got point take anymore trying keep busy home renovation even get bed past 1pm even go bed early know need see someone even make appointment today know snapped want anymore tired tired forced stay alive would killed long time ago would destroy small family know much longer,broke 2 year sobriety suicidal thought,disposable baby girl,772,43,disposable baby girl today drink first time almost 2 year point want feel anymore job depression crippling 6 month since left last job wa 3 year got point take anymore trying keep busy home renovation even get bed past 1pm even go bed early know need see someone even make appointment today know snapped want anymore tired tired forced stay alive would killed long time ago would destroy small family know much longer broke 2 year sobriety suicidal thought
Im done,"Im 14 my names josh, i’ve started to give up on everything. Life isn’t getting better, i have tons of family issues, school for me is a struggle. I cut 5-6 times a day. Their not deep but they still shouldn’t be there. Someone please help me.",Tricky9855,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdal9s/im_done/,im 14 name josh started give everything life getting better ton family issue school struggle cut 5 6 time day deep still someone please help,im done,tricky 9855,242,7,tricky 9855 im 14 name josh started give everything life getting better ton family issue school struggle cut 5 6 time day deep still someone please help im done
Hurting and I deserve it,People say bad decisions don't always make someone a bad person. I really feel like that isn't true in my case. I imagine myself feeling eternally shitty and a waste of a life. The hurt I have caused my SO has made me feel like I have no true identity. I wish I didn't have BPD. I wish I could have been better. I can wish and wish but that will never fix things. My body and mind feel useless I can distract myself with friends but I feel so distant from the world. I am filled with guilt. The worst part is knowing my SO has forgiven me and I can't help but think they may not want to be with me for much longer. I would crumble and disappear without him. I am filled with so much pain... pain that I deserve to feel. I wish I could disappear but thinking about dying is horrifying. If the world goes on just the same without me. If I fade into a distant memory to those who I know. I know I need more external help. But no amount of therapy will rid me of the thoughts I have about myself. I fear I will never grow from this. It all seems so dark and temporary.,notconsoled,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5nm1/hurting_and_i_deserve_it/,people say bad decision always make someone bad person really feel like true case imagine feeling eternally shitty waste life hurt caused ha made feel like true identity wish bpd wish could better wish wish never fix thing body mind feel useless distract friend feel distant world filled guilt worst part knowing ha forgiven help think may want much longer would crumble disappear without filled much pain pain deserve feel wish could disappear thinking dying horrifying world go without fade distant memory know know need external help amount therapy rid thought fear never grow seems dark temporary,hurting deserve,consoled,1064,24,consoled people say bad decision always make someone bad person really feel like true case imagine feeling eternally shitty waste life hurt caused ha made feel like true identity wish bpd wish could better wish wish never fix thing body mind feel useless distract friend feel distant world filled guilt worst part knowing ha forgiven help think may want much longer would crumble disappear without filled much pain pain deserve feel wish could disappear thinking dying horrifying world go without fade distant memory know know need external help amount therapy rid thought fear never grow seems dark temporary hurting deserve
I didn't get into grad school,"I didn't get into med school. My boyfriend is mad and ""disappointed"" in me because I won't tell my parents. He thinks my family can do something because I have connections to a school. I don't want my family to contact the school because if I didn't get in I don't deserve to get in. I'm just a disappointment to everyone. I don't deserve anything. If I'm not smart enough to get into grad school I don't want to live anymore anyways. If I'm not smart I'm not worthy of living.",psychimp,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8fun/i_didnt_get_into_grad_school/,get med school boyfriend mad disappointed tell parent think family something connection school want family contact school get deserve get disappointment everyone deserve anything smart enough get grad school want live anymore anyways smart worthy living,get grad school,psych imp,477,29,psych imp get med school boyfriend mad disappointed tell parent think family something connection school want family contact school get deserve get disappointment everyone deserve anything smart enough get grad school want live anymore anyways smart worthy living get grad school
"It's not the depression, it's me","I mean yes never feeling happiness, always feeling tired, and all that other shit that comes with depression would've contributed to this, but I think I'm just using depression as an excuse to hide the fact that I'm a terrible person.

I've had depression since at least the age of 10. I'm 17 now and until about a year or two ago my depression was never a huge problem. I was passing school, I had friends and I had hobbies. But one day after my suicide attempt I got a random boost in motivation, and I felt happiness for the first time in years. Feeling happiness only made me realize how miserable I am all the time, which led to me figuring out that I have depression.

Ever since I became aware of this, I started doing things like, failing school, ghosting friends, and dropping out of hobbies. Whenever I smile or laugh, I hide it and try my best to make myself sad. I fetishized my sadness, sadness was my happy place, and being happy was painful for me. I feel like I'm just putting on a play for myself to hide the fact that I'm just a selfish ass, who does nothing but play videogames all day. Now here's a good confession, I don't have a suicide attempt, yeah when the the day came I was to lazy to get out of bed and walk to the railway so I just didn't. Yet everyone I've told my story to has heard me talk about my suicide attempt, I told myself this so much that I actually forgot I never even tried for a while, but it's all a lie, just an excuse to make me look more broken then I already am. Some days I think of actually going there, and reenacting that moment to see if I'll actually do it or not, but I'm to lazy to get out of bed so as if I'd do that.

I fear that my therapist will find out. That if I get cured from my depression that I'm still going to be just as shitty as always and that it was just me all along. If that's true then that means there's no curing me, and that I'm just going to be like this forever.",Souless_F0X,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5mg3/its_not_the_depression_its_me/,mean yes never feeling happiness always feeling tired shit come depression would contributed think using depression excuse hide fact terrible person depression since least age 10 17 year two ago depression wa never huge problem wa passing school friend hobby one day suicide attempt got random boost motivation felt happiness first time year feeling happiness made realize miserable time led figuring depression ever since became aware started thing like failing school ghosting friend dropping hobby whenever smile laugh hide try best make sad fetishized sadness sadness wa happy place happy wa painful feel like putting play hide fact selfish doe nothing play videogames day good confession suicide attempt yeah day came wa lazy get bed walk railway yet everyone told story ha heard talk suicide attempt told much actually forgot never even tried lie excuse make look broken already day think actually going reenacting moment see actually lazy get bed fear therapist find get cured depression still going shitty always wa along true mean curing going like forever,depression,u le f 0 x,1944,32,u le f 0 x mean yes never feeling happiness always feeling tired shit come depression would contributed think using depression excuse hide fact terrible person depression since least age 10 17 year two ago depression wa never huge problem wa passing school friend hobby one day suicide attempt got random boost motivation felt happiness first time year feeling happiness made realize miserable time led figuring depression ever since became aware started thing like failing school ghosting friend dropping hobby whenever smile laugh hide try best make sad fetishized sadness sadness wa happy place happy wa painful feel like putting play hide fact selfish doe nothing play videogames day good confession suicide attempt yeah day came wa lazy get bed walk railway yet everyone told story ha heard talk suicide attempt told much actually forgot never even tried lie excuse make look broken already day think actually going reenacting moment see actually lazy get bed fear therapist find get cured depression still going shitty always wa along true mean curing going like forever depression
Revenge,"Have you ever thought of suicide by taking revenge for people ruining your life through deciet and lies. My unborn was killed by them,they took my future,they took ten years based on complete lies at gunpoint. They deserve it.",Fearless-Spirit,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5mf7/revenge/,ever thought suicide taking revenge people ruining life deciet lie unborn wa killed took future took ten year based complete lie gunpoint deserve,revenge,fearless spirit,226,7,fearless spirit ever thought suicide taking revenge people ruining life deciet lie unborn wa killed took future took ten year based complete lie gunpoint deserve revenge
Good luck getting student loan from a dead man,"Fuck canada student loan. You have received confirmation of enrollment yet you continue to take my money three months in a row. And when I call in to deal with it you cant even give me any information because your shit system is down. You vile scum will not be getting another cent that I dont have. I am done. Fuck this country and fuck me for being a stupid fucking idiot and taking out a loan from you pricks.

Edit: Those pricks went beyond my overdraft authorization and the money was returned... but now I still have no fucking idea why they told me that I would not have anymore monthly payments in the first place and I have no idea if this will keep happening.  The most useless people in the fucking world... if this happens again, I am pretty much fucked.",JohnCandyIsComing4u,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcwlga/good_luck_getting_student_loan_from_a_dead_man/,fuck canada student loan received confirmation enrollment yet continue take money three month row call deal cant even give information shit system vile scum getting another cent dont done fuck country fuck stupid fucking idiot taking loan prick edit prick went beyond overdraft authorization money wa returned still fucking idea told would anymore monthly payment first place idea keep happening useless people fucking world happens pretty much fucked,good luck getting student loan dead man,john candy coming 4 u,766,46,john candy coming 4 u fuck canada student loan received confirmation enrollment yet continue take money three month row call deal cant even give information shit system vile scum getting another cent dont done fuck country fuck stupid fucking idiot taking loan prick edit prick went beyond overdraft authorization money wa returned still fucking idea told would anymore monthly payment first place idea keep happening useless people fucking world happens pretty much fucked good luck getting student loan dead man
I can’t afford to live,"I come from and live in a country where things are too hard and over half the population is unemployed and suffering mentally. The only people surviving are doing something illegal like pulling the most scams, kidnapping or prostitution. I wish I can indulge in any of this, I have tried to do everything legally even with a degree i seem not to find a job.

It is too hard for me to live on, I can’t afford basic meal or rent and this hardship has set even my family apart.

I am thinking of taking my life as the problem persist. See you guys on the other side if ever succeed.",hopeseekerr,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdaaoj/i_cant_afford_to_live/,come live country thing hard half population unemployed suffering mentally people surviving something illegal like pulling scam kidnapping prostitution wish indulge tried everything legally even degree seem find job hard live afford basic meal rent hardship ha set even family apart thinking taking life problem persist see guy side ever succeed,afford live,hope see kerr,579,22,hope see kerr come live country thing hard half population unemployed suffering mentally people surviving something illegal like pulling scam kidnapping prostitution wish indulge tried everything legally even degree seem find job hard live afford basic meal rent hardship ha set even family apart thinking taking life problem persist see guy side ever succeed afford live
Wearing a mask,"I feel so low, I feel like I am never good enough and hopeless at everything. I am self medicating with wine as well so it’s a bloody merry go round. I feel I am constantly saying I am fine, nothings wrong and wear my happy smiley mask to hide how I really am. I have been on the tablets and have had therapy in the past but it hasn’t worked. I have a wonderful man healthy kids all grown up but I can’t seem to be happy.",50shadesofsunshine,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0l3u/wearing_a_mask/,feel low feel like never good enough hopeless everything self medicating wine well bloody merry go round feel constantly saying fine nothing wrong wear happy smiley mask hide really tablet therapy past worked wonderful man healthy kid grown seem happy,wearing mask,50 shade sunshine,421,14,50 shade sunshine feel low feel like never good enough hopeless everything self medicating wine well bloody merry go round feel constantly saying fine nothing wrong wear happy smiley mask hide really tablet therapy past worked wonderful man healthy kid grown seem happy wearing mask
Pretty sure im gonna,"So like. When I am in a low I crave death. Its gotten rather bad. The lows that is. Its to the point that when I am regular or manic I just casually accept it. 

Like ""yeah Im gonna commit. Not today though. Maybe when its sunny out"" 

I don't want a funeral. Or fuss really. Just want it to be like I never existed.

Im not sad rn. Or on the edge of panic. I am just kinda stone faced about it. 

I know this isn't really good. I feel like this is a very bad sign. Gonna talk to my therapist about it tomorrow. God willing.

Thinking this summer. Wanna go somewhere pretty where I can hear the creek and birds. Away from everyone. Feel safe.",Swimmyboiii,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fda4a4/pretty_sure_im_gonna/,like low crave death gotten rather bad low point regular manic casually accept like yeah im gonna commit today though maybe sunny want funeral fuss really want like never existed im sad rn edge panic kinda stone faced know really good feel like bad sign gonna talk therapist tomorrow god willing thinking summer wanna go somewhere pretty hear creek bird away everyone feel safe,pretty sure im gonna,swim bo iii,642,20,swim bo iii like low crave death gotten rather bad low point regular manic casually accept like yeah im gonna commit today though maybe sunny want funeral fuss really want like never existed im sad rn edge panic kinda stone faced know really good feel like bad sign gonna talk therapist tomorrow god willing thinking summer wanna go somewhere pretty hear creek bird away everyone feel safe pretty sure im gonna
my parents are refusing to let me get help again,"i am so goddamn hopeless. all i want to do is end it. i could have a happy life, i know that, but now is hard enough to make me not want that. i had a psychiatrist appointment scheduled on the 7th, but my dad found out and is in a fight with my mom about it, who keeps coming into my room to tell me its all my fault because i don't want to try to convince my father that i DESERVE to seek treatment for already diagnosed depression and ocd. i am tired. nothing ever gets better. tonight might be the night i go. i fucking hope so anyway.",chokeable,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fczy8g/my_parents_are_refusing_to_let_me_get_help_again/,goddamn hopeless want end could happy life know hard enough make want psychiatrist appointment scheduled 7th dad found fight mom keep coming room tell fault want try convince father deserve seek treatment already diagnosed depression ocd tired nothing ever get better tonight might night go fucking hope anyway,parent refusing let get help,choke able,538,48,choke able goddamn hopeless want end could happy life know hard enough make want psychiatrist appointment scheduled 7th dad found fight mom keep coming room tell fault want try convince father deserve seek treatment already diagnosed depression ocd tired nothing ever get better tonight might night go fucking hope anyway parent refusing let get help
Attempted Suicide...,"Growing up, people always tell me that I will be somebody and I can be whoever I wanna be if I put my mind into it, 10 years passed turns out I'm a nobody with no motivation to live.

Looking back, I wanna hug my old self and tell him to cherish every moment of being a young kid because the world is a harsh place to everyone and you'll also be a victim of society.

I'm nothing, worthless, and nobody. If I die nothing would happen... The world around me would still be the same...

People die every day, so what would make it different if I disappear? NOTHING! I decided to hang myself in the bathroom.

I cried with pain and satisfaction that I will be leaving this earth then the shower curtain rod in my bathroom broke...

It was a loud thud but luckily everyone's asleep... I proceeded to cry in silence and thinking about what should I do? 

I'm ugly, worthless, piece of crap, and a waste of oxygen... My acne scars make me feel like I'm nothing... Everything about me is SHIT.

I wanna die... or be murdered so I can blame somebody for my death.

I don't wanna live anymore...",flickbreeze2003,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd63fp/attempted_suicide/,growing people always tell somebody whoever wanna put mind 10 year passed turn nobody motivation live looking back wanna hug old self tell cherish every moment young kid world harsh place everyone also victim society nothing worthless nobody die nothing would happen world around would still people die every day would make different disappear nothing decided hang bathroom cried pain satisfaction leaving earth shower curtain rod bathroom broke wa loud thud luckily everyone asleep proceeded cry silence thinking ugly worthless piece crap waste oxygen acne scar make feel like nothing everything shit wanna die murdered blame somebody death wanna live anymore,attempted suicide,flick breeze 2003,1086,20,flick breeze 2003 growing people always tell somebody whoever wanna put mind 10 year passed turn nobody motivation live looking back wanna hug old self tell cherish every moment young kid world harsh place everyone also victim society nothing worthless nobody die nothing would happen world around would still people die every day would make different disappear nothing decided hang bathroom cried pain satisfaction leaving earth shower curtain rod bathroom broke wa loud thud luckily everyone asleep proceeded cry silence thinking ugly worthless piece crap waste oxygen acne scar make feel like nothing everything shit wanna die murdered blame somebody death wanna live anymore attempted suicide
I'm so fucking useless,"21 and can't do a goddamn thing in this world, not to mention I'm like a fucking toddler. I spent an hour or more trying to cook chicken only to have it burn. How did I react? I threw a fucking tantrum. Hit my head multiple times, cried, shouted. What a fucking adult I am. Had an art project I was going to finish for another subreddit, but nope. I'm such a useless artist, everything I draw is complete garbage, anyways. I have no other skills in this world. High school dropout, McDonalds employee, virgin, friendless, stupid. Hope hell isn't real because that's where I'll be going. Fuck whatever put me on this earth. I didn't want any of this shit. I wish I was never born.",Kavilen,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvoh7/im_so_fucking_useless/,21 goddamn thing world mention like fucking toddler spent hour trying cook chicken burn react threw fucking tantrum hit head multiple time cried shouted fucking adult art project wa going finish another subreddit nope useless artist everything draw complete garbage anyways skill world high school dropout mcdonalds employee virgin friendless stupid hope hell real going fuck whatever put earth want shit wish wa never born,fucking useless,kavi len,679,22,kavi len 21 goddamn thing world mention like fucking toddler spent hour trying cook chicken burn react threw fucking tantrum hit head multiple time cried shouted fucking adult art project wa going finish another subreddit nope useless artist everything draw complete garbage anyways skill world high school dropout mcdonalds employee virgin friendless stupid hope hell real going fuck whatever put earth want shit wish wa never born fucking useless
I'm a worthless person and I deserve to die,emptypost,missmisery8,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5w6e/im_a_worthless_person_and_i_deserve_to_die/,emptypost,worthless person deserve die,miss misery 8,9,43,miss misery 8 emptypost worthless person deserve die
I'm afraid,"I dont think I care about myself at all anymore. I'm treating myself like shit. I do things that are terrible for myself but I don't mind anymore. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like it's okay to hurt myself. I'm afraid to die but I care less about what I'm afraid of nowadays. It doesnt matter. I dont matter. It's alright in the end, because it's me. Me.",WhoaAFrog,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7jks/im_afraid/,dont think care anymore treating like shit thing terrible mind anymore feel like deserve feel like okay hurt afraid die care le afraid nowadays doesnt matter dont matter alright end,afraid,frog,358,10,frog dont think care anymore treating like shit thing terrible mind anymore feel like deserve feel like okay hurt afraid die care le afraid nowadays doesnt matter dont matter alright end afraid
:/,Im trying not to kms right now because my best friends birthday is in 5 days and i dont want to do that to her... i feel so out of place in this world. does anyone want to talk? im 16 f and i just need somebody to talk to who i won’t scare.,kaleidoscopefields,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3klz/_/,im trying km right best friend birthday 5 day dont want feel place world doe anyone want talk im 16 f need somebody talk scare,,kaleidoscope field,240,2,kaleidoscope field im trying km right best friend birthday 5 day dont want feel place world doe anyone want talk im 16 f need somebody talk scare 
Does anyone else wanna sleep all day,Like I wanna stay up enough so I can just sleep all day and repeat. I dont want to wake up in the morning and see the sun. Does anyone else do this?,sav3thebees_,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd15q5/does_anyone_else_wanna_sleep_all_day/,like wanna stay enough sleep day repeat dont want wake morning see sun doe anyone else,doe anyone else wanna sleep day,sav 3 bee,148,36,sav 3 bee like wanna stay enough sleep day repeat dont want wake morning see sun doe anyone else doe anyone else wanna sleep day
embarrassment.,"no matter what happens or what i do, i always end up crying begging for my life to end desperately in the middle of the night. i can't run from my own thoughts or feelings, it controls me. why is death so hard despite the strong need for it to happen :(",crykayla,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9seh/embarrassment/,matter happens always end cry begging life end desperately middle night run thought feeling control death hard despite strong need happen,embarrassment,cry kay la,253,14,cry kay la matter happens always end cry begging life end desperately middle night run thought feeling control death hard despite strong need happen embarrassment
"Who fucking cares, life is pointless",Life is pointless and too stressful. I wish I had the courage to kill myself,bobthebuillldeer,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7edh/who_fucking_cares_life_is_pointless/,life pointless stressful wish courage kill,fucking care life pointless,bob bu ill l deer,76,36,bob bu ill l deer life pointless stressful wish courage kill fucking care life pointless
I really want to kill myself but my dad already did.,I can’t take life anymore. But my dad already killed himself 4 years ago and I know how devastating it is to family. I don’t know how to deal with this pain anymore but I don’t want my family and girlfriend to go through a tragic death.,JimLahey47,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd747x/i_really_want_to_kill_myself_but_my_dad_already/,take life anymore dad already killed 4 year ago know devastating family know deal pain anymore want family girlfriend go tragic death,really want kill dad already,jim la hey 47,236,52,jim la hey 47 take life anymore dad already killed 4 year ago know devastating family know deal pain anymore want family girlfriend go tragic death really want kill dad already
Took 12 ibuprofen and started slitting my wrists please help,emptypost,toprumble,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9kp2/took_12_ibuprofen_and_started_slitting_my_wrists/,emptypost,took 12 ibuprofen started slitting wrist please help,top rumble,9,60,top rumble emptypost took 12 ibuprofen started slitting wrist please help
2-16-2020,"on the morning of February 16 2020 i took my cat to the emergency vet to have her checked out. she was extremely skinny and was not moving and hadnt eaten or used the bathroom in 2 days. she barely wanted to be around anyone and her muscules were so weak she couldnt even use her back legs or stand. she would just drag herself to where she wanted to go then lay down exhausted. i thought she was going to die the night before but miraculously she survived but was still extremely weak and exhausted looking.

i put her in her pet cage and drove to the emergency vet. the vet examined her and immediately became accusatory and critical of me and how my kitty got into the position that she was in, asking me every question under the sun what did i give her to eat? whats her past medical history? and maybe about 40 other questions.  even calling my cat a train wreck. she was in horrible condition and he kept telling me things such as ""well if you wouldve taken her to your regular vet and had checkups sooner, all of this couldve been prevented"" ""you should've given her her medicine. hyperthyroidism is manageable and bc you didnt do this and that your cat is in the condition that shes in""   which just made me feel so damn guilty. i wanted to take her away right then and there. he then tells me that he couldnt feel her liver and that she only had 25% of her kidneys working and that she was extremely dehydrated.

he mentioned giving her medicine and iv drips and changing her diet but because of the state she was in, he said it wouldn't do much at all at this point because her kidneys would eventually fail. so then he suggests euthanasia. and my heart dropped like a rock. i didnt want to do it. i wanted to give her the medicine i was hell bent on it. ill pay it now, i dont care what the price is ill pay it now! but he kept pushing me and my sister to sign up for a credit plan to pay for it because he simply ""didnt want to be the bank"" he even said that we could give her all of the medicine and change her diet etc and theres a possibility that it still wont work at all because of how debilitated she was. 

eventually our family made the decision to have her put to sleep on the same day as the visit. we had a previous cat who passed away due to kidney failure and we didnt want her to go through the same thing. we all snuggled her, kissed her and pet her until she breathed her final breath on the table. it was heart wrenching. we didnt want to bring her home because we all live with out 80 year old grandmother who prior to having her put to sleep, my grandmother would see her dragging her legs and see how weak and exhausted she looked and would start crying and saying how she didnt want to see the cat suffer like that anymore.  we didnt want to bring her home because we didnt want anything to happen to grandma so  we had everything done in one day and it all happened so fast. im still torn about it. i feel like i can go back in time and pull her away from the table, and bring her to present day. 

i miss you so much misty,  my little baby. it felt like we all yanked you out of this world too soon and thats what drives me crazy. the regular vet i tookher to long ago when we first found out about it told us all that she had hyperthyroidism. all 3 of us were in charge of making sure she got her medicine until she finished it, and then it dwindled down to just me having the responsibility. i was in a very stressed out mindset between my shit job with no set hours,  and  taking care of my grandmother who has dementia.we have to make sure she dosent wander outside or anything. and had completely forgotten/ was counting on other family members to give her her medicine because i was not home. i had forgotten that she even took  medicine at all because she was doing so well. she was eating, and playing until about last year when i went to have her ears checked. thats when they reminded me. and it all went downhill. 

so again i gave her her medicine and she  finished it. only to find out this year she would have to be put to sleep. i never intended to hurt you misty, i never wanted you to get so sick. every morning i cry my eyes out wishing you were here with me on my bed or licking my hand or even meowing that cute little ""hello"" meow you used to do. every day i think about the what ifs and the if onlys. i cant even smell or look at certain things anymore, i cant smile or be happy anymore without my baby. 
i bought a box cutter last week because i was seriously contemplating ending my own life because of the horrible guilt. i feel like i murdered that cat. i feel like i purposefully let her get sick and die . i felt like she didnt need to be euthanized. it was my responsibility to make sure you got your medicine and i fucked up so bad. i dont want to live anymore feeling like this. im so sorry my sweet baby kitty.   how can i help my grandmother if i failed to help you? i feel like im the only one in the world dealing with this situation. i  know im not, but i just want to fucking die. i hate existing. everyday i wake up im reminded that my cat is gone. my best friend, my baby is dead and i caused it and i want to throw up. i hate living i want to die and just not feel anything im so sorry misty im so sorry",Feather_Lightswitch,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd25b3/2162020/,morning february 16 2020 took cat emergency vet checked wa extremely skinny wa moving hadnt eaten used bathroom 2 day barely wanted around anyone muscules weak couldnt even use back leg stand would drag wanted go lay exhausted thought wa going die night miraculously survived wa still extremely weak exhausted looking put pet cage drove emergency vet vet examined immediately became accusatory critical kitty got position wa asking every question sun give eat whats past medical history maybe 40 question even calling cat train wreck wa horrible condition kept telling thing well wouldve taken regular vet checkup sooner couldve prevented given medicine hyperthyroidism manageable bc didnt cat condition shes made feel damn guilty wanted take away right tell couldnt feel liver 25 kidney working wa extremely dehydrated mentioned giving medicine iv drip changing diet state wa said much point kidney would eventually fail suggests euthanasia heart dropped like rock didnt want wanted give medicine wa hell bent ill pay dont care price ill pay kept pushing sister sign credit plan pay simply didnt want bank even said could give medicine change diet etc possibility still wont work debilitated wa eventually family made decision put sleep day visit previous cat passed away due kidney failure didnt want go thing snuggled kissed pet breathed final breath table wa heart wrenching didnt want bring home live 80 year old grandmother prior put sleep grandmother would see dragging leg see weak exhausted looked would start cry saying didnt want see cat suffer like anymore didnt want bring home didnt want anything happen grandma everything done one day happened fast im still torn feel like go back time pull away table bring present day miss much misty little baby felt like yanked world soon thats drive crazy regular vet tookher long ago first found told u hyperthyroidism 3 u charge making sure got medicine finished dwindled responsibility wa stressed mindset shit job set hour taking care grandmother ha dementia make sure dosent wander outside anything completely forgotten wa counting family member give medicine wa home forgotten even took medicine wa well wa eating playing last year went ear checked thats reminded went downhill gave medicine finished find year would put sleep never intended hurt misty never wanted get sick every morning cry eye wishing bed licking hand even meowing cute little hello meow used every day think ifs onlys cant even smell look certain thing anymore cant smile happy anymore without baby bought box cutter last week wa seriously contemplating ending life horrible guilt feel like murdered cat feel like purposefully let get sick die felt like didnt need euthanized wa responsibility make sure got medicine fucked bad dont want live anymore feeling like im sorry sweet baby kitty help grandmother failed help feel like im one world dealing situation know im want fucking die hate existing everyday wake im reminded cat gone best friend baby dead caused want throw hate living want die feel anything im sorry misty im sorry,2 16 2020,feather light switch,5279,9,feather light switch morning february 16 2020 took cat emergency vet checked wa extremely skinny wa moving hadnt eaten used bathroom 2 day barely wanted around anyone muscules weak couldnt even use back leg stand would drag wanted go lay exhausted thought wa going die night miraculously survived wa still extremely weak exhausted looking put pet cage drove emergency vet vet examined immediately became accusatory critical kitty got position wa asking every question sun give eat whats past medical history maybe 40 question even calling cat train wreck wa horrible condition kept telling thing well wouldve taken regular vet checkup sooner couldve prevented given medicine hyperthyroidism manageable bc didnt cat condition shes made feel damn guilty wanted take away right tell couldnt feel liver 25 kidney working wa extremely dehydrated mentioned giving medicine iv drip changing diet state wa said much point kidney would eventually fail suggests euthanasia heart dropped like rock didnt want wanted give medicine wa hell bent ill pay dont care price ill pay kept pushing sister sign credit plan pay simply didnt want bank even said could give medicine change diet etc possibility still wont work debilitated wa eventually family made decision put sleep day visit previous cat passed away due kidney failure didnt want go thing snuggled kissed pet breathed final breath table wa heart wrenching didnt want bring home live 80 year old grandmother prior put sleep grandmother would see dragging leg see weak exhausted looked would start cry saying didnt want see cat suffer like anymore didnt want bring home didnt want anything happen grandma everything done one day happened fast im still torn feel like go back time pull away table bring present day miss much misty little baby felt like yanked world soon thats drive crazy regular vet tookher long ago first found told u hyperthyroidism 3 u charge making sure got medicine finished dwindled responsibility wa stressed mindset shit job set hour taking care grandmother ha dementia make sure dosent wander outside anything completely forgotten wa counting family member give medicine wa home forgotten even took medicine wa well wa eating playing last year went ear checked thats reminded went downhill gave medicine finished find year would put sleep never intended hurt misty never wanted get sick every morning cry eye wishing bed licking hand even meowing cute little hello meow used every day think ifs onlys cant even smell look certain thing anymore cant smile happy anymore without baby bought box cutter last week wa seriously contemplating ending life horrible guilt feel like murdered cat feel like purposefully let get sick die felt like didnt need euthanized wa responsibility make sure got medicine fucked bad dont want live anymore feeling like im sorry sweet baby kitty help grandmother failed help feel like im one world dealing situation know im want fucking die hate existing everyday wake im reminded cat gone best friend baby dead caused want throw hate living want die feel anything im sorry misty im sorry 2 16 2020
It's over and there is just nowhere else to go.,"I think this could be it. I'm really just not able to grasp this world. This is not where I want to be. 

People are just so fucked. It doesn't matter where they come from, what they do, or even really how they act. There is just an insufferable defect in humanity's existence. I am 100% for an extinction event. I'm no longer in a panic about climate change or anything like that, I want it to accelerate. I don't want to be here when shit hits the fan, but I want it to happen. I am now certain that we are incapable of a better future where these defects do not exist. The same story keeps playing out over and over again, the only difference is now it is playing out on smart phones. People are just fucked. 

People call me a failure and I laugh. The tragedy is that there is no glory in this world. You could win a million bucks in the stock market and you are still going down with the rest of us. We see the way that the most powerful people in the world act every day. Some idiot decided to give them all Twitter accounts. Oh my gosh, what a riot. It has got to the point where the weak are still the weak and the strong just look dumber than everyone else. 

Obviously this is not the kind of attitude that anyone would want to put up with so I should leave to avoid pissing anyone else off even though I am absolutely right. I like to tell myself that having a better attitude means accepting a wrong position for the sake of getting along with everyone else walking off the cliff. Well there are two options, I can be right and go crazy stranded alone outside the herd or I can be wrong and feel good about myself because I have people walking into the abyss with me. What a stupid, stupid fate. Well there is a third option, I could kill myself. 

I don't even want to hear some people have it worse. I'm sorry but hearing about 6 billion people who have it worse doesn't brighten my day. Try harder, try again. You're not going to make me feel any better by reminding me my country, my tax dollars contribute significantly to their peril by bombing many of those people into ruins for the sake of politicians and bureaucrats who have literally become Twitter trolls. It's not funny, I mean it. 

I want to kill myself. I have had it in my mind for a long time but there was something spiritually holding me here. I wonder if that has passed. I don't see anymore goal posts. I'm begging desperately for a sign because as much as I want it to stop I'm a coward who fears death. But the pressure comes sometimes so hard, so intense that I'm not thinking about fear or any of that. Those are the moments where I know it might happen. 

This post may get deleted for inciting activism but for me personally I do not care what you do or what your social positions are. We are all collectively collapsing, so I don't care who you vote for or what you believe. These are just the thoughts driving me toward alienation and inevitably perhaps death. I'm not even looking forward to a girlfriend anymore. I can only imagine waking up every day and telling her we are all doomed, or better yet lying to her face and saying everything is alright.

It's almost time to go.",abyss_boy,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5a3p/its_over_and_there_is_just_nowhere_else_to_go/,think could really able grasp world want people fucked matter come even really act insufferable defect humanity existence 100 extinction event longer panic climate change anything like want accelerate want shit hit fan want happen certain incapable better future defect exist story keep playing difference playing smart phone people fucked people call failure laugh tragedy glory world could win million buck stock market still going rest u see way powerful people world act every day idiot decided give twitter account oh gosh riot ha got point weak still weak strong look dumber everyone else obviously kind attitude anyone would want put leave avoid pissing anyone else even though absolutely right like tell better attitude mean accepting wrong position sake getting along everyone else walking cliff well two option right go crazy stranded alone outside herd wrong feel good people walking abyss stupid stupid fate well third option could kill even want hear people worse sorry hearing 6 billion people worse brighten day try harder try going make feel better reminding country tax dollar contribute significantly peril bombing many people ruin sake politician bureaucrat literally become twitter troll funny mean want kill mind long time wa something spiritually holding wonder ha passed see anymore goal post begging desperately sign much want stop coward fear death pressure come sometimes hard intense thinking fear moment know might happen post may get deleted inciting activism personally care social position collectively collapsing care vote believe thought driving toward alienation inevitably perhaps death even looking forward girlfriend anymore imagine waking every day telling doomed better yet lying face saying everything alright almost time go,nowhere else go,abyss boy,3172,47,abyss boy think could really able grasp world want people fucked matter come even really act insufferable defect humanity existence 100 extinction event longer panic climate change anything like want accelerate want shit hit fan want happen certain incapable better future defect exist story keep playing difference playing smart phone people fucked people call failure laugh tragedy glory world could win million buck stock market still going rest u see way powerful people world act every day idiot decided give twitter account oh gosh riot ha got point weak still weak strong look dumber everyone else obviously kind attitude anyone would want put leave avoid pissing anyone else even though absolutely right like tell better attitude mean accepting wrong position sake getting along everyone else walking cliff well two option right go crazy stranded alone outside herd wrong feel good people walking abyss stupid stupid fate well third option could kill even want hear people worse sorry hearing 6 billion people worse brighten day try harder try going make feel better reminding country tax dollar contribute significantly peril bombing many people ruin sake politician bureaucrat literally become twitter troll funny mean want kill mind long time wa something spiritually holding wonder ha passed see anymore goal post begging desperately sign much want stop coward fear death pressure come sometimes hard intense thinking fear moment know might happen post may get deleted inciting activism personally care social position collectively collapsing care vote believe thought driving toward alienation inevitably perhaps death even looking forward girlfriend anymore imagine waking every day telling doomed better yet lying face saying everything alright almost time go nowhere else go
I wonder what it feels like to be happy.,"Right now it’s 2 in the morning and I have to go to work in 3 hours and I’m crying my eyes out. This is been my routine for over 3 years, I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’m sad all the time and keep having all these flashbacks of when I used to get bullied in school and made fun of by literally everyone I’ve ever known I just wish someone out there cared about me and I wish one day it’ll all be ok but deep down inside my heart I know it won’t.",JimiEnvy,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9g03/i_wonder_what_it_feels_like_to_be_happy/,right 2 morning go work 3 hour cry eye routine 3 year know wrong sad time keep flashback used get bullied school made fun literally everyone ever known wish someone cared wish one day ok deep inside heart know,wonder feel like happy,jimi envy,454,40,jimi envy right 2 morning go work 3 hour cry eye routine 3 year know wrong sad time keep flashback used get bullied school made fun literally everyone ever known wish someone cared wish one day ok deep inside heart know wonder feel like happy
birthday today,"it's my birthday today, i am at one of the lowest mental points i have ever been. can ijust get a few wishes?

compared to past birthdays i've gotten more than i could've hoped for and it means a lot in itself, helps even a little bit, but depression is a relentless parasite and in the closing hours of march third i feel so sad. so lonely. in the context of this subreddit where i feel everyone understands me it means a lot. loneliness reaching to other loneliness. this subreddit understands me at least in what im feeling, the visceral sadness and pain of it all. the way thinking about dying is so painful but just makes you feel more tired, like you just want it to happen. ive cried about this way too much to further put it to words i just want to die man",PriinceNaemon,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6wxv/birthday_today/,birthday today one lowest mental point ever ijust get wish compared past birthday gotten could hoped mean lot help even little bit depression relentless parasite closing hour march third feel sad lonely context subreddit feel everyone understands mean lot loneliness reaching loneliness subreddit understands least im feeling visceral sadness pain way thinking dying painful make feel tired like want happen ive cried way much put word want die man,birthday today,pri cena em,764,14,pri cena em birthday today one lowest mental point ever ijust get wish compared past birthday gotten could hoped mean lot help even little bit depression relentless parasite closing hour march third feel sad lonely context subreddit feel everyone understands mean lot loneliness reaching loneliness subreddit understands least im feeling visceral sadness pain way thinking dying painful make feel tired like want happen ive cried way much put word want die man birthday today
I fucked up,I can’t believe how fucking dumb I am. I fucking ruined  one of the best things that happened to me. I want to die . I want to die. I need to kill myself soon. Please god don’t let me wake up tomorrow,pinkbooberries,14,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9daf/i_fucked_up/,believe fucking dumb fucking ruined one best thing happened want die want die need kill soon please god let wake tomorrow,fucked,pink boo berry,200,11,pink boo berry believe fucking dumb fucking ruined one best thing happened want die want die need kill soon please god let wake tomorrow fucked
Advice on finally maybe starting to get help,"Hi everyone,

For the first time EVER I am going to speak to someone tomorrow about my suicidal ideation, which has plagued me for 10 years. 

I'm currently at uni, and booked an appointment with a student support officer from my school. She's not a counsellor, but can deal with academic issues (which I'm having because of the big sad), and refer students onto mental health services.

I'm absolutely shit scared. I've never really spoken to anyone about how I feel, only a couple of times drunkenly to a few friends (who've never brought it up again). I just feel like it's time because things have gotten worse recently, and I'll be graduating this summer which is terrifying. 

I'm not really sure where to start with the meeting, or about what I should say? I've never met her before, I just emailed to book a meeting.

Let me know if this is the wrong sub. I'm basically just wanting to know how to start the conversation and how much detail to go into. It feels way too intense to just sit down and be like hi nice to meet you I think about killing myself every day and have a pile of suicide notes on my desk. I also don't want to be sectioned lol.",throwaway_sad_2020,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd51kc/advice_on_finally_maybe_starting_to_get_help/,hi everyone first time ever going speak someone tomorrow suicidal ideation ha plagued 10 year currently uni booked appointment student support officer school counsellor deal academic issue big sad refer student onto mental health service absolutely shit scared never really spoken anyone feel couple time drunkenly friend never brought feel like time thing gotten worse recently graduating summer terrifying really sure start meeting say never met emailed book meeting let know wrong sub basically wanting know start conversation much detail go feel way intense sit like hi nice meet think killing every day pile suicide note desk also want sectioned lol,advice finally maybe starting get help,throwaway sad 2020,1157,44,throwaway sad 2020 hi everyone first time ever going speak someone tomorrow suicidal ideation ha plagued 10 year currently uni booked appointment student support officer school counsellor deal academic issue big sad refer student onto mental health service absolutely shit scared never really spoken anyone feel couple time drunkenly friend never brought feel like time thing gotten worse recently graduating summer terrifying really sure start meeting say never met emailed book meeting let know wrong sub basically wanting know start conversation much detail go feel way intense sit like hi nice meet think killing every day pile suicide note desk also want sectioned lol advice finally maybe starting get help
Put on actual suicide watch by my therapist,"Today I had an appointment with my therapist and let her know about the suicidal thoughts I’ve been having. She wanted to have me committed, but I was able to convince her that I didn’t need to be hospitalized. She let me leave her office under the condition that I check in with her every twelve hours with a text. If she didn’t hear from me at the agreed upon times, she would send EMTs to my house. 

I’m glad I was able to be honest about what I was feeling and that she was willing to compromise on the type of intervention used.",lobsterjellyhammer,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2j1w/put_on_actual_suicide_watch_by_my_therapist/,today appointment therapist let know suicidal thought wanted committed wa able convince need hospitalized let leave office condition check every twelve hour text hear agreed upon time would send emts house glad wa able honest wa feeling wa willing compromise type intervention used,put actual suicide watch therapist,lobster jelly hammer,534,43,lobster jelly hammer today appointment therapist let know suicidal thought wanted committed wa able convince need hospitalized let leave office condition check every twelve hour text hear agreed upon time would send emts house glad wa able honest wa feeling wa willing compromise type intervention used put actual suicide watch therapist
Fuck my parents for bringing me into this world.,Life is a fucking nightmare. Having children is beyond selfish and ignorant. My parents deserve no sympathy. I will kill myself regardless of their feelings.,Fredman97,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcuxik/fuck_my_parents_for_bringing_me_into_this_world/,life fucking nightmare child beyond selfish ignorant parent deserve sympathy kill regardless feeling,fuck parent bringing world,fred man 97,157,48,fred man 97 life fucking nightmare child beyond selfish ignorant parent deserve sympathy kill regardless feeling fuck parent bringing world
"2 months left, what should I do?","what should I do in the meantime? I thought about planting flowers and hanging out with friends. also will try to make a comics. 

btw don't suggest getting help, i already go to the therapist and take AD, I just can't handle my life anymore. school has been very hard for me, I constantly feel tired, my marks got worse, I lost all motivation to keep going. there are more reason but I don't feel like sharing.

who knows, maybe in a couple of months I will feel better?  thanks in advance!! 💖",Pleasantdependent8,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9423/2_months_left_what_should_i_do/,meantime thought planting flower hanging friend also try make comic btw suggest getting help already go therapist take ad handle life anymore school ha hard constantly feel tired mark got worse lost motivation keep going reason feel like sharing know maybe couple month feel better thanks advance,2 month left,pleasant dependent 8,494,32,pleasant dependent 8 meantime thought planting flower hanging friend also try make comic btw suggest getting help already go therapist take ad handle life anymore school ha hard constantly feel tired mark got worse lost motivation keep going reason feel like sharing know maybe couple month feel better thanks advance 2 month left
"I always helped her, I was there for her when she was at her lowest. And when it happened to me she said “ it’s good if you’re gone”. It’s always in my head now that she could be that cold. Every night I think about it. Every single day is a fight not to hurt myself",emptypost,iwaki-rogan,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4pz0/i_always_helped_her_i_was_there_for_her_when_she/,emptypost,always helped wa wa lowest happened said good gone always head could cold every night think every single day fight hurt,waki rogan,9,266,waki rogan emptypost always helped wa wa lowest happened said good gone always head could cold every night think every single day fight hurt
I have no one to turn to.,"My father passed away last year. I feel incredibly alone now, he was my go-to person whenever I had a problem. I left my job to take some time off after he passed. I've left two more jobs since then, I just can't handle any of it any more. My gf, who I've been staying with, wants me to leave so she can ""find herself.""

I can't blame her really.

My father's gf, whom he was with at the time of his passing and for the previous 15 years or so, has already moved on and started dating a guy that I don't think dad would approve of, either.

I don't know who to turn to or what to do. I have a little bit of money saved up so I'm not in immediate danger, and I think I've worked it out with my gf to stay here until I find a job? I just don't hold out a ton of hope. Whenever I think of getting another job, most likely in a field I hate anyway (recruiting), I just think ""what's the point?"" Like I really don't have a ton to live for at this juncture. 

I don't want it to be this way and I just can't seem to figure a way out of it that would give me a good quality of life. It all just feels pointless.

I've tried to look up free or low cost therapists in the area, I have a couple numbers but trying to read about state funded mental health care and I couldn't make heads or tails of the webpage. Way too complex.",throwaway8437292,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6h4l/i_have_no_one_to_turn_to/,father passed away last year feel incredibly alone wa go person whenever problem left job take time passed left two job since handle gf staying want leave find blame really father gf wa time passing previous 15 year ha already moved started dating guy think dad would approve either know turn little bit money saved immediate danger think worked gf stay find job hold ton hope whenever think getting another job likely field hate anyway recruiting think point like really ton live juncture want way seem figure way would give good quality life feel pointless tried look free low cost therapist area couple number trying read state funded mental health care make head tail webpage way complex,one turn,throwaway 8437292,1317,25,throwaway 8437292 father passed away last year feel incredibly alone wa go person whenever problem left job take time passed left two job since handle gf staying want leave find blame really father gf wa time passing previous 15 year ha already moved started dating guy think dad would approve either know turn little bit money saved immediate danger think worked gf stay find job hold ton hope whenever think getting another job likely field hate anyway recruiting think point like really ton live juncture want way seem figure way would give good quality life feel pointless tried look free low cost therapist area couple number trying read state funded mental health care make head tail webpage way complex one turn
loneliness has been killing me lately,"That's all I really needed to say, just kind of sick of going all day without being so much as acknowledged by those around me. Hope all y'all are doing ok",Qwerter_Mash,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd91ti/loneliness_has_been_killing_me_lately/,really needed say kind sick going day without much acknowledged around hope ok,loneliness ha killing lately,q wert er mash,155,37,q wert er mash really needed say kind sick going day without much acknowledged around hope ok loneliness ha killing lately
This is my note,"40 years old today. Lived a bad life. Was a bad person.
I'm sorry.",APaleHorseBeheld,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd9152/this_is_my_note/,40 year old today lived bad life wa bad person sorry,note,pale horse beheld,66,15,pale horse beheld 40 year old today lived bad life wa bad person sorry note
Reckon it’s time soon,"I bought SN, theres no help for people like me any more. Wondering where to take it, suppose someone will have to find my body but I don’t want to traumatise anyone.",Jamsal170,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd90cz/reckon_its_time_soon/,bought sn help people like wondering take suppose someone find body want traumatise anyone,reckon time soon,jam al 170,165,21,jam al 170 bought sn help people like wondering take suppose someone find body want traumatise anyone reckon time soon
no point anymore,everything is so painful. I hate my job with every fiber in me. I have no family. No friends. I work every single day and still don’t make enough to even get by. I have painful autoimmune disorders and multiple mental health problems. I was hit in a wreak that has made me suffer chronic headaches everyday. My roommate is making me leave a month before my lease for her own reasons. I’m so lost and helpless with no where to go. I just want out.,NotSailorVenus,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6beu/no_point_anymore/,everything painful hate job every fiber family friend work every single day still make enough even get painful autoimmune disorder multiple mental health problem wa hit wreak ha made suffer chronic headache everyday roommate making leave month lease reason lost helpless go want,point anymore,sailor venus,446,16,sailor venus everything painful hate job every fiber family friend work every single day still make enough even get painful autoimmune disorder multiple mental health problem wa hit wreak ha made suffer chronic headache everyday roommate making leave month lease reason lost helpless go want point anymore
I am alone in this terrible world,"i love going everyday smiling and making people laugh, but i dont think any has ever acutally known. Day in and day out my family calls me a dissapointment, failure, and they wish they never had me. ik some of my friends look at my reddit so. i dont feel comfortable in my on skin or near anyone else. in stuck in this endless cycle.",ZexyDexter,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6af3/i_am_alone_in_this_terrible_world/,love going everyday smiling making people laugh dont think ha ever acutally known day day family call dissapointment failure wish never ik friend look reddit dont feel comfortable skin near anyone else stuck endless cycle,alone terrible world,ze xy dexter,333,33,ze xy dexter love going everyday smiling making people laugh dont think ha ever acutally known day day family call dissapointment failure wish never ik friend look reddit dont feel comfortable skin near anyone else stuck endless cycle alone terrible world
"I am so, so close.","The only thing stopping me is my mom. I love her so much and I don’t want to disappoint her, especially since she literally watched her dad die from alcoholism, her siblings die without her even getting the chance to know them, my siblings weaving in and out of addiction, my own father being an alcoholic and not sobering up until after I left for college...I was the golden child of the family, the one that supposedly did everything right. I was raped multiple times and became an alcoholic, so I’m far from perfect and definitely don’t feel like I deserve to be alive. I can’t find a job. My marriage is falling apart. I feel so alone. But I feel like I deserve it; but my family doesn’t deserve this if I decide to go through with it.",catcoma,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd68uo/i_am_so_so_close/,thing stopping mom love much want disappoint especially since literally watched dad die alcoholism sibling die without even getting chance know sibling weaving addiction father alcoholic sobering left college wa golden child family one supposedly everything right wa raped multiple time became alcoholic far perfect definitely feel like deserve alive find job marriage falling apart feel alone feel like deserve family deserve decide go,close,cat coma,739,18,cat coma thing stopping mom love much want disappoint especially since literally watched dad die alcoholism sibling die without even getting chance know sibling weaving addiction father alcoholic sobering left college wa golden child family one supposedly everything right wa raped multiple time became alcoholic far perfect definitely feel like deserve alive find job marriage falling apart feel alone feel like deserve family deserve decide go close
"Just got diagnosed borderline, and trying on new meds, I need help","My first post ever on reddit. Im feeling so low right now, been crying all night, and I just want to get better, but nothing seems to work. During Christmas vacation, I realised my partner had been cheating on me, the night I founded out, he went to that girl house and had intercourse with her. He still came back to my place after and told me everything the next day. I completely lost it, It was the first time someone cheated on me. I felt betrayed, and couldnt wrap my head around it. My reaction was to drink as much alcool, smoke cigarette until I could forget what happen.. unfortunately that wasnt enough I was still feeling so much pain. I than decides to take a half empty bottle of xanax with a bottle of antidepressant. Just to wash the pain away, just like that I was doing my first suicide attempt.  20 minutes after I realised what I had done and called emergency, an ambulance came over and I spent 24 hours at psychiatry aisle. I started seeing a psychiatrist after that, and was diagnosed for borderline personality. For me it makes sense, but it seems close friend and family think its too much, that Im not borderline.. thing is Im really good at hiding my true self. Ive been boulimic for years without anyone ever knew I was. Ive been having intense rage and impulsive reaction when Im in love. 

Anyway.. lets come back to my story, I ended up staying with my partner, a decision that has been torturing me ever since. There is not a day that passes without me thinking he would so ut again. I will think about what happened imagining it until I start feeling sick, and than everything turns black again. I havent been easy with him after that, but how could I ? 

My psychiatrist just prescribed me a new drug to mix with my antidepressants and I started them yesterday, I hate all the side effect if taking a new drugs and I just feel like I want to give up. ive been having a lot of fights with my partner in the last days cause I dont find him supportive. I feel so alone right now, I tried to communicate with him but its just too much, I feel like a burden for him and its been breaking me even more.

There is so much in life that I wanted, like I always wanted to have a kid, but I feel so unlovable... I feel like my mental health is taking too much place, I need help. 

I need a reason to keep going",itsmidnightlater,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd66ju/just_got_diagnosed_borderline_and_trying_on_new/,first post ever reddit im feeling low right cry night want get better nothing seems work christmas vacation realised partner cheating night founded went girl house intercourse still came back place told everything next day completely lost wa first time someone cheated felt betrayed couldnt wrap head around reaction wa drink much alcool smoke cigarette could forget happen unfortunately wasnt enough wa still feeling much pain decides take half empty bottle xanax bottle antidepressant wash pain away like wa first suicide attempt 20 minute realised done called emergency ambulance came spent 24 hour psychiatry aisle started seeing psychiatrist wa diagnosed borderline personality make sense seems close friend family think much im borderline thing im really good hiding true self ive boulimic year without anyone ever knew wa ive intense rage impulsive reaction im love anyway let come back story ended staying partner decision ha torturing ever since day pass without thinking would ut think happened imagining start feeling sick everything turn black havent easy could psychiatrist prescribed new drug mix antidepressant started yesterday hate side effect taking new drug feel like want give ive lot fight partner last day cause dont find supportive feel alone right tried communicate much feel like burden breaking even much life wanted like always wanted kid feel unlovable feel like mental health taking much place need help need reason keep going,got diagnosed borderline trying new med need help,midnight later,2334,66,midnight later first post ever reddit im feeling low right cry night want get better nothing seems work christmas vacation realised partner cheating night founded went girl house intercourse still came back place told everything next day completely lost wa first time someone cheated felt betrayed couldnt wrap head around reaction wa drink much alcool smoke cigarette could forget happen unfortunately wasnt enough wa still feeling much pain decides take half empty bottle xanax bottle antidepressant wash pain away like wa first suicide attempt 20 minute realised done called emergency ambulance came spent 24 hour psychiatry aisle started seeing psychiatrist wa diagnosed borderline personality make sense seems close friend family think much im borderline thing im really good hiding true self ive boulimic year without anyone ever knew wa ive intense rage impulsive reaction im love anyway let come back story ended staying partner decision ha torturing ever since day pass without thinking would ut think happened imagining start feeling sick everything turn black havent easy could psychiatrist prescribed new drug mix antidepressant started yesterday hate side effect taking new drug feel like want give ive lot fight partner last day cause dont find supportive feel alone right tried communicate much feel like burden breaking even much life wanted like always wanted kid feel unlovable feel like mental health taking much place need help need reason keep going got diagnosed borderline trying new med need help
I need help right noe but don't know how to get it,"I have dysthymia and have dealt with suicidal ideation privately for years, but over the past 6 months and especially over the last 48 hours it has gotten really really bad. I feel like I am two people right now. One version is ready to go and has a solid plan for how to do it. The other version is horrified and sick at this. I am preventing myself from acting by reminding myself of how much I'm needed at work tomorrow, by thinking of how dependent my pet cat is on me, by imagining how much this will hurt my friends. The two sides are battling it out. I don't think I'll act on my suicidal thoughts tonight, but I may within the next few days. I don't know what to do.
I'm broke and can't handle an ER bill. I definitely can't go to family with this and I'm afraid to go to friends. I have a therapist but won't see her until Sunday.
I don't know what to do but I know I have to do something. Please suggest something",Academic_Comfortable,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8uoo/i_need_help_right_noe_but_dont_know_how_to_get_it/,dysthymia dealt suicidal ideation privately year past 6 month especially last 48 hour ha gotten really really bad feel like two people right one version ready go ha solid plan version horrified sick preventing acting reminding much needed work tomorrow thinking dependent pet cat imagining much hurt friend two side battling think act suicidal thought tonight may within next day know broke handle er bill definitely go family afraid go friend therapist see sunday know know something please suggest something,need help right noe know get,academic comfortable,923,50,academic comfortable dysthymia dealt suicidal ideation privately year past 6 month especially last 48 hour ha gotten really really bad feel like two people right one version ready go ha solid plan version horrified sick preventing acting reminding much needed work tomorrow thinking dependent pet cat imagining much hurt friend two side battling think act suicidal thought tonight may within next day know broke handle er bill definitely go family afraid go friend therapist see sunday know know something please suggest something need help right noe know get
Why do people think they can help when you already desided on ending it all?,emptypost,vadimuha,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd603h/why_do_people_think_they_can_help_when_you/,emptypost,people think help already desided ending,vadim uh,9,76,vadim uh emptypost people think help already desided ending
Back and forth thoughts,"Me and my husband are separating and I’m fighting these thoughts

I want to die
I am going to study abroad
I have Prozac if I take them all maybe?
I have work tomorrow so maybe not
I have electrolyte tablets maybe that will do something
I don’t want to fail my classes
I should study
But I physically feel drained from hurt and crying
I want to end everything

I’m literally laying in bed with zero motivation to even sit up knowing I need to do work, and instead am googling pills I have to see if they will do anything
Will I take everything I have? Probably not. Do I want to? Yes. But also no. And everything hurts. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way and I don’t like it.",anon1267927,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5zdd/back_and_forth_thoughts/,husband separating fighting thought want die going study abroad prozac take maybe work tomorrow maybe electrolyte tablet maybe something want fail class study physically feel drained hurt cry want end everything literally laying bed zero motivation even sit knowing need work instead googling pill see anything take everything probably want yes also everything hurt long time since felt way like,back forth thought,1267927,687,23,1267927 husband separating fighting thought want die going study abroad prozac take maybe work tomorrow maybe electrolyte tablet maybe something want fail class study physically feel drained hurt cry want end everything literally laying bed zero motivation even sit knowing need work instead googling pill see anything take everything probably want yes also everything hurt long time since felt way like back forth thought
how much mg will it take for a person to overdose that is under the age of 18?,i have a few bottles of antidepressants with me and i think it's time. And is their anyway to make it less painful?,White_Trash_Ham,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8phc/how_much_mg_will_it_take_for_a_person_to_overdose/,bottle antidepressant think time anyway make le painful,much mg take person overdose age 18,white trash ham,115,78,white trash ham bottle antidepressant think time anyway make le painful much mg take person overdose age 18
Am I the only one who doesn’t really care if I’m sent to the psych ward because I told my therapist too much?,"I don’t really want to die, I want to stop being so fucked up. And if the best way to do that is to kill myself, that’s the route I’ll take. But that isn’t the only route available, and if there’s a way for that to happen through medication or mental healthcare I’ll gladly choose that. But the problem is I don’t really care if I live or die, so if that course of action is too difficult I’ll just take the easy way out and kill myself (I say easy because it’ll be easy for me, but the main thing that’s preventing me from doing it is how other people will take it).

That being said, I’m not going to avoid saying something to my therapist because I think he’ll send me to a psych ward. The best chance I have to get better through meds and therapy is to be honest with what’s going on, and I’m completely fine with that. I don’t really have anything going on in my life I wouldn’t mind sacrificing a week for. Hell, I’m well prepared to sacrifice my own life in order to stop the pain. I’ve been to a psych ward before, and it’s kind of nice since it’s a way to kind of die a temporary death and be away from everything else in my life. It’s not as good as death though, since I’ll still be fucked up in the head and as long as I’m fucked up I’ll suffer, but it’s better than suffering and still having to do shit.

Anywho, if the psychiatry route doesn’t work I can always kill myself, but it seems stupid not to take advantage of psychiatry to the fullest while I can, and that means telling my therapist enough where I could be hospitalized.",weakbrainedwaste,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5wyz/am_i_the_only_one_who_doesnt_really_care_if_im/,really want die want stop fucked best way kill route take route available way happen medication mental healthcare gladly choose problem really care live die course action difficult take easy way kill say easy easy main thing preventing people take said going avoid saying something therapist think send psych ward best chance get better med therapy honest going completely fine really anything going life mind sacrificing week hell well prepared sacrifice life order stop pain psych ward kind nice since way kind die temporary death away everything else life good death though since still fucked head long fucked suffer better suffering still shit anywho psychiatry route work always kill seems stupid take advantage psychiatry fullest mean telling therapist enough could hospitalized,one really care sent psych ward told therapist much,weak brained waste,1547,109,weak brained waste really want die want stop fucked best way kill route take route available way happen medication mental healthcare gladly choose problem really care live die course action difficult take easy way kill say easy easy main thing preventing people take said going avoid saying something therapist think send psych ward best chance get better med therapy honest going completely fine really anything going life mind sacrificing week hell well prepared sacrifice life order stop pain psych ward kind nice since way kind die temporary death away everything else life good death though since still fucked head long fucked suffer better suffering still shit anywho psychiatry route work always kill seems stupid take advantage psychiatry fullest mean telling therapist enough could hospitalized one really care sent psych ward told therapist much
Terrible Suicide Case?,"  I am a weak and small person that know one respects.  I am treated like shit and abandon by society.  I am aggressive to people.  I think about murdering and killing others.  I take out rage on myself and pretend to slaughter the people that constantly disrespect and hurt me.  I like the grey sky that gives the depressing tone.  I like gore and violence and doing things that I find somewhat happiness towards but I fall into this void of grief and sorrow.  I am a hopeless one.  I am loading the bullet and not caring for what anyone thinks.  I don't care for life anymore.  I am accepting my fate.  I am glad that I am choosing to kill myself because it gives my a mature understanding of the cold and brutal reality of the human race.  I don't go to counselors or therapists. I like being this way.  Cold and sad makes me feel happy.  I have lost interest in friends, activities and prefer to be alone.  I am a sad and pathetic human being and wanted to say goodbye to the ones I cared about which is practically 0.  I am a loser that hangs myself with a guitar string and is bullied daily.  Thank you for the some out there that might of cared.  I fell safe on the internet but not in real life.  I hope my death is brutal and long so I can feel as much harm humanly possible to I die.  I don't care if there is nothing after death.  I am just typing to I feel a feeling in my heart.  Goodbye.  3/5/2020 suicide date",anonymous_11221963,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd41sv/terrible_suicide_case/,weak small person know one respect treated like shit abandon society aggressive people think murdering killing others take rage pretend slaughter people constantly disrespect hurt like grey sky give depressing tone like gore violence thing find somewhat happiness towards fall void grief sorrow hopeless one loading bullet caring anyone think care life anymore accepting fate glad choosing kill give mature understanding cold brutal reality human race go counselor therapist like way cold sad make feel happy lost interest friend activity prefer alone sad pathetic human wanted say goodbye one cared practically 0 loser hang guitar string bullied daily thank might cared fell safe internet real life hope death brutal long feel much harm humanly possible die care nothing death typing feel feeling heart goodbye 3 5 2020 suicide date,terrible suicide case,anonymous 11221963,1424,22,anonymous 11221963 weak small person know one respect treated like shit abandon society aggressive people think murdering killing others take rage pretend slaughter people constantly disrespect hurt like grey sky give depressing tone like gore violence thing find somewhat happiness towards fall void grief sorrow hopeless one loading bullet caring anyone think care life anymore accepting fate glad choosing kill give mature understanding cold brutal reality human race go counselor therapist like way cold sad make feel happy lost interest friend activity prefer alone sad pathetic human wanted say goodbye one cared practically 0 loser hang guitar string bullied daily thank might cared fell safe internet real life hope death brutal long feel much harm humanly possible die care nothing death typing feel feeling heart goodbye 3 5 2020 suicide date terrible suicide case
Hello folks!!,"Hello people, I'm a 23 spanish male who has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety these last 7 years I don't know what action could lead to this but I don't really care about this.  


I've been struggling with suicide toughts these last years and I don't think I can't control it for so much time. I'm sad because there are people that worries about me, I will miss probably my cat and I know that my mother will be sad but sometimes I cannot hold this any longer. I cannot express how I feel with her because I don't wanna make her suffer. But I don't think I'm prepared to live in this world.

I'm trying to do my best, I'm trying to improve my mental health, I'm taking my medication but I don't think I will ever be really happy, I don't really think I could be usefull for this society. I've social problems, I cannot even go out of my home and I can't even get out of bed somedays. 

I'm really trying to be a happier version of myself but it's really hard.",BlueMoodyLulaby,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1ex5/hello_folks/,hello people 23 spanish male ha diagnosed depression anxiety last 7 year know action could lead really care struggling suicide toughts last year think control much time sad people worry miss probably cat know mother sad sometimes cannot hold longer cannot express feel wanna make suffer think prepared live world trying best trying improve mental health taking medication think ever really happy really think could usefull society social problem cannot even go home even get bed somedays really trying happier version really hard,hello folk,blue moody lula,969,13,blue moody lula hello people 23 spanish male ha diagnosed depression anxiety last 7 year know action could lead really care struggling suicide toughts last year think control much time sad people worry miss probably cat know mother sad sometimes cannot hold longer cannot express feel wanna make suffer think prepared live world trying best trying improve mental health taking medication think ever really happy really think could usefull society social problem cannot even go home even get bed somedays really trying happier version really hard hello folk
They call ambulance,They want to send me to hospital. I am not going. Maybe this is the last push I need. I’ll end myself.,MikoNyalot,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8h76/they_call_ambulance/,want send hospital going maybe last push need end,call ambulance,mi konya lot,102,19,mi konya lot want send hospital going maybe last push need end call ambulance
Help 2,I’m so close to downing whatever the fuck these pills are I just really want someone to help me,Jeeseeka,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3te1/help_2/,close downing whatever fuck pill really want someone help,help 2,j ee seek,95,6,j ee seek close downing whatever fuck pill really want someone help help 2
Fucking fed up,"I feel sick of living. I want my pain to end. I want to die but know I can't. I know I have the strong potential to be judged for typing this but I don't care any fucking more. I'm tearing up as I write this, so go ahead and fucking say what you're gonna fucking say.

My reasons you will probably laugh at if I told you. Would probably tell me this and that and other shit. Tell me to get the fuck over it but again, I'm at the point where I look at ways to kill myself knowing I CAN'T. Because I know I will fuck up other people. 

I am in living fucking Purgatory.

Whatever. Say what ever the fuck you're gonna goddamn say.",nucleardeath13,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5jz4/fucking_fed_up/,feel sick living want pain end want die know know strong potential judged typing care fucking tearing write go ahead fucking say gonna fucking say reason probably laugh told would probably tell shit tell get fuck point look way kill knowing know fuck people living fucking purgatory whatever say ever fuck gonna goddamn say,fucking fed,nuclear death 13,627,14,nuclear death 13 feel sick living want pain end want die know know strong potential judged typing care fucking tearing write go ahead fucking say gonna fucking say reason probably laugh told would probably tell shit tell get fuck point look way kill knowing know fuck people living fucking purgatory whatever say ever fuck gonna goddamn say fucking fed
I don't even want help anymore,"I'm fucking tired of people telling that everything will be fine and I feel like they're the ones that are ill for not seeing how fucked up the world is. Just look at this sub, every few minutes someone desperately looks for help and tells how miserable he or she is, sometimes without even being noticed. Now think of how many of all suffering people don't even seek for help because nobody gives a fuck, that's the human nature. It's just that it hurts. Even if someone ""wants to help you"" it's just because he or she will feel as a better person and then will leave you like a trash that you are so why even bother looking for help? Maybe depression is just a name created by people who are too scared of what reality is like. What if depression is perceiving the world as it is, while having good mental health means to disctract oneself from others pain? Or maybe I'm just talking shit, I don't even know what is real at this point. Fuck everything.",vgxny,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcrzbv/i_dont_even_want_help_anymore/,fucking tired people telling everything fine feel like one ill seeing fucked world look sub every minute someone desperately look help tell miserable sometimes without even noticed think many suffering people even seek help nobody give fuck human nature hurt even someone want help feel better person leave like trash even bother looking help maybe depression name created people scared reality like depression perceiving world good mental health mean disctract oneself others pain maybe talking shit even know real point fuck everything,even want help anymore,vg x ny,954,30,vg x ny fucking tired people telling everything fine feel like one ill seeing fucked world look sub every minute someone desperately look help tell miserable sometimes without even noticed think many suffering people even seek help nobody give fuck human nature hurt even someone want help feel better person leave like trash even bother looking help maybe depression name created people scared reality like depression perceiving world good mental health mean disctract oneself others pain maybe talking shit even know real point fuck everything even want help anymore
I have realized that...,"If I have time to think then all I want to do is commit suicide.  
If I watch movies or play games or something similar that is not boring to me I am fine.  My problem is at work it’s an 8hr suicide thinking session",LifeisASham,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8d11/i_have_realized_that/,time think want commit suicide watch movie play game something similar boring fine problem work 8hr suicide thinking session,realized,life ham,215,23,life ham time think want commit suicide watch movie play game something similar boring fine problem work 8hr suicide thinking session realized
I'm 16 and want to die,I'm 16 and I have had frequent thoughts about dieing and killing myself. I think of new ways of doing it like cutting and hanging and stuff and have cut my self a lot. I have had a rough childhood and recently something awful happened to me. I am lucky because I have supportive friends and family but I still feel empty and lonely. I might just do it soon...,JaymeJude623,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3nww/im_16_and_want_to_die/,16 frequent thought dieing killing think new way like cutting hanging stuff cut self lot rough childhood recently something awful happened lucky supportive friend family still feel empty lonely might soon,16 want die,jay jude 623,359,22,jay jude 623 16 frequent thought dieing killing think new way like cutting hanging stuff cut self lot rough childhood recently something awful happened lucky supportive friend family still feel empty lonely might soon 16 want die
What is wrong with my brain?,"So life is okay pretty good I guess wish we made more money but I’m happy. Or I’m not. Doesn’t matter I still feel the very VERY strong need to kill myself and it lasts for a while like a week or for a short term like a few hours. Sometimes I feel like I have to slit my wrists in a tub or put that bullet in my brain or swerve into a truck but I know better. It’s something in my brain that is triggering this. I am a Christian a real one and I ask God at times to take this from me and it helps but it’s like a voice a little guy on my shoulder waiting and watching and anything can trigger it. UHG! So frustrating. I think about how my dog, my husband, my brother sister and nieces and nephews need me but the voice doesn’t care. I was just wondering if there is a part in the brain that does this? I have never done hard core drugs but my mother was high on speed when she was pregnant with me... and she has a dopamine issue because of all the drugs and falls into deep depressions or gets suicidal from it. Maybe it’s hereditary or maybe because of the drugs she did when pregnant caused the issue with my brain? Anyway any thoughts would be helpful thank you in advance.",myredditnotforyou,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd89it/what_is_wrong_with_my_brain/,life okay pretty good guess wish made money happy matter still feel strong need kill last like week short term like hour sometimes feel like slit wrist tub put bullet brain swerve truck know better something brain triggering christian real one ask god time take help like voice little guy shoulder waiting watching anything trigger uhg frustrating think dog husband brother sister niece nephew need voice care wa wondering part brain doe never done hard core drug mother wa high speed wa pregnant ha dopamine issue drug fall deep depression get suicidal maybe hereditary maybe drug pregnant caused issue brain anyway thought would helpful thank advance,wrong brain,reddit,1177,28,reddit life okay pretty good guess wish made money happy matter still feel strong need kill last like week short term like hour sometimes feel like slit wrist tub put bullet brain swerve truck know better something brain triggering christian real one ask god time take help like voice little guy shoulder waiting watching anything trigger uhg frustrating think dog husband brother sister niece nephew need voice care wa wondering part brain doe never done hard core drug mother wa high speed wa pregnant ha dopamine issue drug fall deep depression get suicidal maybe hereditary maybe drug pregnant caused issue brain anyway thought would helpful thank advance wrong brain
"If I do not come out to my parents before my birthday, I will commit suicide",I'm not gonna let myself chicken out of it lol.,daisyfaunn,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd89ae/if_i_do_not_come_out_to_my_parents_before_my/,gonna let chicken lol,come parent birthday commit suicide,daisy faun n,47,76,daisy faun n gonna let chicken lol come parent birthday commit suicide
Tired,Every single day the thought that keeps me from driving off the road on my way home is a nap. But nightmares are worse lately. I dream vividly every night. Im so tired. So exhausted. Too tired to type a long story. Im too tired to even write a note,kurushii01010101,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd11n0/tired/,every single day thought keep driving road way home nap nightmare worse lately dream vividly every night im tired exhausted tired type long story im tired even write note,tired,kuru shii 01010101,248,5,kuru shii 01010101 every single day thought keep driving road way home nap nightmare worse lately dream vividly every night im tired exhausted tired type long story im tired even write note tired
"I didn’t post in here for a day or two, i was feeling better but now i’m back.","And again, i’m laying in bed crying. i feel like a failure. i can’t save money, i don’t have a degree in anything, i can’t drive, i don’t have my own place. i quite literally live in a basement. a shitty one at that. 
i could move with my dad but that would mean living on the same property as the man who molested me for half my life. Wasn’t my dad, but my step grandfather. 

i’m losing a will to keep going more and more. i’m tired of being belittled by so many people in my life. i just wish i got more support in real life and not just online. i mean i love the support but i just really want to be praised and told that everything is going to be better by someone in my life. i crave it but i don’t get that instead i always get knocked down",yathatscooliguess,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd88fm/i_didnt_post_in_here_for_a_day_or_two_i_was/,laying bed cry feel like failure save money degree anything drive place quite literally live basement shitty one could move dad would mean living property man molested half life dad step grandfather losing keep going tired belittled many people life wish got support real life online mean love support really want praised told everything going better someone life crave get instead always get knocked,post day two wa feeling better back,ya cool guess,747,78,ya cool guess laying bed cry feel like failure save money degree anything drive place quite literally live basement shitty one could move dad would mean living property man molested half life dad step grandfather losing keep going tired belittled many people life wish got support real life online mean love support really want praised told everything going better someone life crave get instead always get knocked post day two wa feeling better back
By next week,"I'll be using a certain method that is inhaling and when those two chemicals are mixed together , it has a 100 % fatality rate. After next Monday when I grab something to eat and a beer then I'll go to a place in the hills or somewhere where I won't be stopped and complete the method. Soon I'm going to be asleep and forever away from human suffering and be free if any issues for eternity ❤️",[deleted],11,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5cw0/by_next_week/,using certain method inhaling two chemical mixed together ha 100 fatality rate next monday grab something eat beer go place hill somewhere stopped complete method soon going asleep forever away human suffering free issue eternity,next week,deleted,393,12,deleted using certain method inhaling two chemical mixed together ha 100 fatality rate next monday grab something eat beer go place hill somewhere stopped complete method soon going asleep forever away human suffering free issue eternity next week
I've been planning for years.,"Over the course of my life, I have attempted suicide four times. Each time, I was hospitalized, and each time I've tried again. The last times, it failed because someone found and stopped me. My ex boyfriend commit suicide last year. I have difficulty making plans due to a mild obsessive compulsive disorder, and just finding time. 
I have a heart condition that has been steadily worsening after a miscarriage, and due to it, I can't hold down a regular job and have since resorted to online work that pays like shit. I'm homeless. I have only two people in any sort of position to provide support, emotionally. And even though it's looking like the most difficult parts of life are ending and getting better for me, I don't honestly believe a life with all these new restrictions is worth it. 
My family is going on vacation soon. I wasn't invited. That week, I can complete the steps the way I planned, if I want to. Now the question is if I even have the physical strength for one last shot at it. 
Who knows? 
It might fail again. But I have no doubt I'll keep trying. It's the only thing I haven't given up on.
Meditation and such seems to point me in this direction. Tarot readings, horoscopes, all of it seems to be dropping hints that this is it. The main difference between all the times before, is that this time, I have nothing left to be afraid of. 

We can't forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become.",Styxstyxx,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd878n/ive_been_planning_for_years/,course life attempted suicide four time time wa hospitalized time tried last time failed someone found stopped ex boyfriend commit suicide last year difficulty making plan due mild obsessive compulsive disorder finding time heart condition ha steadily worsening miscarriage due hold regular job since resorted online work pay like shit homeless two people sort position provide support emotionally even though looking like difficult part life ending getting better honestly believe life new restriction worth family going vacation soon invited week complete step way planned want question even physical strength one last shot know might fail doubt keep trying thing given meditation seems point direction tarot reading horoscope seems dropping hint main difference time time nothing left afraid forgive thing become,planning year,styx styx x,1429,29,styx styx x course life attempted suicide four time time wa hospitalized time tried last time failed someone found stopped ex boyfriend commit suicide last year difficulty making plan due mild obsessive compulsive disorder finding time heart condition ha steadily worsening miscarriage due hold regular job since resorted online work pay like shit homeless two people sort position provide support emotionally even though looking like difficult part life ending getting better honestly believe life new restriction worth family going vacation soon invited week complete step way planned want question even physical strength one last shot know might fail doubt keep trying thing given meditation seems point direction tarot reading horoscope seems dropping hint main difference time time nothing left afraid forgive thing become planning year
is hanging a painless way,how painful is hanging,rodbsbsb,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd86ra/is_hanging_a_painless_way/,painful hanging,hanging painless way,rod b bsb,22,25,rod b bsb painful hanging hanging painless way
To End it or Not..?,"I'm 23, I have a worthless ass history degree, no physical attraction whatsoever, no real job, no social life, and no hope of getting out of the US because fuck this country. Sure my nieces and nephews might miss me, but they're good kids and they'll get over it when I'm dead. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet, is that I'm too much of a pussy to shoot my empty fuckin head",SlayeroftheInferior,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd84vf/to_end_it_or_not/,23 worthless history degree physical attraction whatsoever real job social life hope getting u fuck country sure niece nephew might miss good kid get dead reason killed yet much pussy shoot empty fuckin head,end,slayer inferior,384,19,slayer inferior 23 worthless history degree physical attraction whatsoever real job social life hope getting u fuck country sure niece nephew might miss good kid get dead reason killed yet much pussy shoot empty fuckin head end
I know I'll either die by accident or by my own hand,"I know im going to kill myself, I've known it for 7 years, Ive been mentally ill since I was 6. I know what the end game is, the only thing unsure is the timeframe.",yeehawmfkers,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8471/i_know_ill_either_die_by_accident_or_by_my_own/,know im going kill known 7 year ive mentally ill since wa 6 know end game thing unsure timeframe,know either die accident hand,yee ha wmf kers,164,52,yee ha wmf kers know im going kill known 7 year ive mentally ill since wa 6 know end game thing unsure timeframe know either die accident hand
Want thoughts/opinions,"Im really considering suicide by overdose on march 30. I feel so pathetic and like nobody cares. Any thoughts, opinions, etc?",CookieGuy_7,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8463/want_thoughtsopinions/,im really considering suicide overdose march 30 feel pathetic like nobody care thought opinion etc,want thought opinion,cookie guy 7,125,22,cookie guy 7 im really considering suicide overdose march 30 feel pathetic like nobody care thought opinion etc want thought opinion
The biggest lie I have ever been told was that you should treat others the way you’d want to be treated.,"People will treat you like shit regardless. You can give your best to people and they will still treat you how they want to. I am done trying to be good to people who aren’t good to me. The funny part is after it’s all said and done, you will still feel like the bad guy even though you weren’t in that situation. I just don’t care enough to live in a world that doesn’t care about me.",ExhuberantStorm,30,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcm33t/the_biggest_lie_i_have_ever_been_told_was_that/,people treat like shit regardless give best people still treat want done trying good people good funny part said done still feel like bad guy even though situation care enough live world care,biggest lie ever told wa treat others way want treated,ex huber ant storm,385,104,ex huber ant storm people treat like shit regardless give best people still treat want done trying good people good funny part said done still feel like bad guy even though situation care enough live world care biggest lie ever told wa treat others way want treated
I hurt,"Like I am in so much pain but I can’t seem to cry I just sit feeling so fucking numb and I just don’t know how to feel anything. I have many reasons
To live but selfishly I do not care. I w a n t to d I e",sp00kymayonaise,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd530h/i_hurt/,like much pain seem cry sit feeling fucking numb know feel anything many reason live selfishly care w n e,hurt,sp 00 ky may aise,204,6,sp 00 ky may aise like much pain seem cry sit feeling fucking numb know feel anything many reason live selfishly care w n e hurt
I'm an asshole and nobody will be sad if I die :),"I hate myself and am gonna kill myself. Probably. I say that a lot to people I know and I'm always serious but never do it because I'm scared amd want it to be better. It's not gonna be better.
I'm hurting the people I like amd love every day by existing so I'll stop this.
I hit my best friend kinda on accident and he hates me now. I don't have any friends anymore.
My family is shit. Just laughing at me failing life.
I'm failing at life and school.
It's not gonna change anything for people who know me if I die now. Goodbye.... Hopefully",amTAEhewwo,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcv52e/im_an_asshole_and_nobody_will_be_sad_if_i_die/,hate gonna kill probably say lot people know always serious never scared amd want better gonna better hurting people like amd love every day existing stop hit best friend kinda accident hate friend anymore family shit laughing failing life failing life school gonna change anything people know die goodbye hopefully,asshole nobody sad die,tae hew wo,542,49,tae hew wo hate gonna kill probably say lot people know always serious never scared amd want better gonna better hurting people like amd love every day existing stop hit best friend kinda accident hate friend anymore family shit laughing failing life failing life school gonna change anything people know die goodbye hopefully asshole nobody sad die
I’m never going to be the person I want to be,"I keep getting close and then I fuck up because I’m not some person who gets to get through things and gets to be successful. I’m me.

I’m a fuck up and I’m a failure. All the people in my life are temporary because eventually they hate me as much as I hate myself.

I’d rather die than have to be me anymore.",throwafuckfuck,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7x8l/im_never_going_to_be_the_person_i_want_to_be/,keep getting close fuck person get get thing get successful fuck failure people life temporary eventually hate much hate rather die anymore,never going person want,throw fuck fuck,309,45,throw fuck fuck keep getting close fuck person get get thing get successful fuck failure people life temporary eventually hate much hate rather die anymore never going person want
Should I visit a psychiatrist?,"M/16, currently going through depression and can't talk to anyone. I've been visiting a psychotherapist for about 2 years and a psychiatrist for several weeks but just decided to stop going there like 6 months ago. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety and have depression but never actually talked about that with anyone, not even with my parents or the therapists. My everyday life goes like this: wake up, survive 7 hours at school, come home, play video games for rest of the day since I don't have anything better to do, cry into sleep, repeat. In school I barely speak to anyone even though I am going in the same class for over 5 years now. Only have 1-2 friends but they mostly only see me as the last choice everytime and only want to meet up when no one else has time. Recently we got someone new in the class and it seems like he had more social contact with the everyone else in the past 3 days than me in the last 5 years. Everyone think's i am introverted and it's kinda true, but only because I get rejected by everyone I even try to talk to and get excluded from everything. When people throw parties, I never get invited but people they barely talk to get invited. My grades are horrible and I am about to get off the school and don't even know what I want to become, since i just stopped caring after I noticed that everyone ignores me and no matter how hard I try to build up a new friendship / contact, I get rejected. I am the kind of person to look at my phone and than ask someone what time it is just so I have somewhat of a social interaction lmao. My parents only see my grades but don't care about my feelings. Because of this happening over many years (basically my whole life) I began to hide behind a emotionless mask. I am not able to express my feelings. nothing. The only thing i can do is laugh (because of something funny, not because i am actually happy) or hate on something. Even if anyone would make me happy, e.g. inviting me to a party, I couldn't show it and still act bored / emotionless because I am too afraid what people would think when I suddenly change and behave like everyone else. I also don't know anymore how to feel empathy. Like i would really like to and empathize with someone but no matter how hard I try it just doesn't work. When someone is sad I can say to myself ""this person is sad"" and feel bad about it, but I cannot comprehend it. I also feel absolutely worthless. For example I don't even say hi/goodbye to most people since i think i am not worth their time. When I meet someone from school outside accidentally, I walk pass them and they walk past me just because I don't want the other person to feel awkward. I know they don't like me and their day is probably ruined just by seeing me so i don't try to force the contact. At this point in my life i noticed that people are just assholes not caring about anyone. Everyone has their perfect life and ignores me so trying further wouldn't change anything. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. In the past i began to think more often about how it would be if just killed myself. I am not really thinking about doing it, but honestly I couldn't care less if I just got hit by a but. I feel like visiting the psychiatrist / therapist wouldn't change anything since I am not being honest to them anyways and don't know how I could be. Anyone good experiences with psychiatrist? Did it help in your case?

This is a throwaway and I just needed to get this off my chest but feel free to comment, I will read it.",thrwy12938,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd35tk/should_i_visit_a_psychiatrist/,16 currently going depression talk anyone visiting psychotherapist 2 year psychiatrist several week decided stop going like 6 month ago diagnosed social anxiety depression never actually talked anyone even parent therapist everyday life go like wake survive 7 hour school come home play video game rest day since anything better cry sleep repeat school barely speak anyone even though going class 5 year 1 2 friend mostly see last choice everytime want meet one else ha time recently got someone new class seems like social contact everyone else past 3 day last 5 year everyone think introverted kinda true get rejected everyone even try talk get excluded everything people throw party never get invited people barely talk get invited grade horrible get school even know want become since stopped caring noticed everyone ignores matter hard try build new friendship contact get rejected kind person look phone ask someone time somewhat social interaction lmao parent see grade care feeling happening many year basically whole life began hide behind emotionless mask able express feeling nothing thing laugh something funny actually happy hate something even anyone would make happy e g inviting party show still act bored emotionless afraid people would think suddenly change behave like everyone else also know anymore feel empathy like would really like empathize someone matter hard try work someone sad say person sad feel bad cannot comprehend also feel absolutely worthless example even say hi goodbye people since think worth time meet someone school outside accidentally walk pas walk past want person feel awkward know like day probably ruined seeing try force contact point life noticed people asshole caring anyone everyone ha perfect life ignores trying change anything honestly know anymore past began think often would killed really thinking honestly care le got hit feel like visiting psychiatrist therapist change anything since honest anyways know could anyone good experience psychiatrist help case throwaway needed get chest feel free comment read,visit psychiatrist,th rwy 12938,3532,30,th rwy 12938 16 currently going depression talk anyone visiting psychotherapist 2 year psychiatrist several week decided stop going like 6 month ago diagnosed social anxiety depression never actually talked anyone even parent therapist everyday life go like wake survive 7 hour school come home play video game rest day since anything better cry sleep repeat school barely speak anyone even though going class 5 year 1 2 friend mostly see last choice everytime want meet one else ha time recently got someone new class seems like social contact everyone else past 3 day last 5 year everyone think introverted kinda true get rejected everyone even try talk get excluded everything people throw party never get invited people barely talk get invited grade horrible get school even know want become since stopped caring noticed everyone ignores matter hard try build new friendship contact get rejected kind person look phone ask someone time somewhat social interaction lmao parent see grade care feeling happening many year basically whole life began hide behind emotionless mask able express feeling nothing thing laugh something funny actually happy hate something even anyone would make happy e g inviting party show still act bored emotionless afraid people would think suddenly change behave like everyone else also know anymore feel empathy like would really like empathize someone matter hard try work someone sad say person sad feel bad cannot comprehend also feel absolutely worthless example even say hi goodbye people since think worth time meet someone school outside accidentally walk pas walk past want person feel awkward know like day probably ruined seeing try force contact point life noticed people asshole caring anyone everyone ha perfect life ignores trying change anything honestly know anymore past began think often would killed really thinking honestly care le got hit feel like visiting psychiatrist therapist change anything since honest anyways know could anyone good experience psychiatrist help case throwaway needed get chest feel free comment read visit psychiatrist
Sister wants to die over bad grades.,"My sister has been crying saying she wants to kill herself since her mom took away her ps4 and phone over a F in asl she punched a hole through the wall and has cuts on her arm is their anything i can say or do to help her, i am really worried about her and dont want her to die please can you help me out.",sam516426,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4yuk/sister_wants_to_die_over_bad_grades/,sister ha cry saying want kill since mom took away ps4 phone f asl punched hole wall ha cut arm anything say help really worried dont want die please help,sister want die bad grade,sam 516426,306,36,sam 516426 sister ha cry saying want kill since mom took away ps4 phone f asl punched hole wall ha cut arm anything say help really worried dont want die please help sister want die bad grade
Hey I’m back again,I had posted a little while ago but honestly I feel like this applies to me now. I don’t trust myself and I’m scared and I can’t talk to my parents but I don’t wanna call the hotline because I don’t wanna go back to the hospital. I’m sorry. I’m scared,Pupshark,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7uwj/hey_im_back_again/,posted little ago honestly feel like applies trust scared talk parent wanna call hotline wanna go back hospital sorry scared,hey back,pup shark,251,18,pup shark posted little ago honestly feel like applies trust scared talk parent wanna call hotline wanna go back hospital sorry scared hey back
Life is unbearable. I'm losing my mind. I wish I had the courage to end this shit. Praying that someone out there reads this.,"I've been realizing some damn hard truths about myself. I've never been happy, ever since I was a little kid I felt like I was ""bad"". You know how children play ""house"" and it can be used in therapy to evaluate their outlook and issues? When I was a kid, I would play ""house"" with my fingers: there was the mom, dad, brother, and sister (me, the pinky finger). Each time, everyone would gang up on and beat up the sister. I just remembered that I used to ""play"" that game the other day - I don't think I have any real excuse for that, I was anxious as hell from a young age and irritable as fuck, but what kind of kid thinks of that shit? I was messed up back then.


I've talked to professionals. They seem to think that this is more than anxiety and depression. They say that I've faced a lot of trauma in my life. I suppose it makes sense. My parents were heavily abused during their childhoods, my mom even tried to kill herself as a young kid. My dad was an abusive alcoholic for most of my childhood. He and my mom would fight a lot - they would swear at each other, he would hit and throw things at her, she would scream at him and they would usually tell each other to go to Hell or drop dead. My dad was verbally abusive, and I remember he would hit my brother too. I presume he hit me, but I don't remember. All I remember is that when I was a teenager, he got so angry at me that he held me down on the couch. I was so detached, all I thought was how he was so angry he was about to drool on me, and how it was gross. I love my parents, despite their flaws. I just don't like them. We fight all the time. When I was younger, I remember that often when I got into a row with one parent, the other would get involved and then they would fight with each other. They would say horrible things like what I said above. They would say awful things to me too, like how once I was mad and my mom said I should look in the mirror to see how ugly I look. She would tell me to ""get out of her sight"" a lot. I get called a bitch at times. I'm told I treat them horrible, and I hate myself even more when they say that. Ugh. On the note of trauma, I realized earlier this year that I was repeatedly raped (oral, not vaginal) by my ex over the course of a year or so. That's also been tough to process.

It's fucked because I know my parents love me. They read to me as a child, they taught me to be independent. They just want me to be happy. But there's just always been something missing, I guess.

I realized that I may be in a chronic state of mild dissociation. I often feel detached from my body, my emotions, my environment, other people. I feel like I'm in a fog. My limbs aren't quite attached to my body, I feel floaty or dizzy. Weak and shaky. At times I dissociate harder, and I go totally numb. Can't move. Can't talk. Things look smaller, I float above or behind my body. My vision gets weird. It's scary yet comfortable because I'm aware that I'm further detached from myself and in a limbo for an hour. It fades and I get a headache, my body hurts, and I'm exhausted. Then it's back to reality, and I feel even more off for the rest of the day. I've noticed I also mildly dissociate when I try to sleep. My head is disconnected from my body, my limbs feel large or disconnect from my body. It's incredibly disturbing and I don't know why it happens. I never even realized I apparently dissociate until I started thinking about my childhood. Experienced some crazy depersonalization and derealization. When it happened, I realized that it was *very* familiar and I remembered doing it a lot as a kid. That realization fucked me up.


What really makes me feel crazy is the apparent somatic symptoms. I developed chronic visual snow and headaches as a teenager. I also started getting ocular migraines. Numerous tests and exams showed that all is well - it's just stress. My mouth has been hurting for the past year, as well. I even got an extra wisdom tooth removed, thinking that was the source of the pain. Nope. The pain persists, and is very noticeable when I'm stressed. Xrays and exams show that things are fine. I feel like a damn hypochondriac or like I'm malingering...but this is all very real to me.


I feel weak a lot. I am also dizzy, or like my brain is rotting, or stuffed with cotton/fog. My head is never ""clear"". I can't focus on much. Working is difficult. I can't truly interact with friends or family anymore. My weight has been all over. Due to horrible anxiety, I had lost a third of my body weight in 9 months. When I fell into this double depression, I lost 14 pounds in 2 weeks. Then someone I care about confronted me about the seriousness of it all. I tried to maintain my weight, and it worked for a month. Then I had a little breakdown and lost 7 pounds in 5 days. Started an antidepressant and became apathetic as hell - had an aborted suicide attempt and binge ate like crazy even though I wasn't hungry. I was like ""fuck it I deserve to gain weight and look disgusting"". I've gained 10 pounds in a week. I hate myself so much.


The more I realize, the more I hate myself. I've tried six or seven antidepressants, I've tried therapy a few times and am trying again. On another med right now. It all feels so damn hopeless. I've wanted to die since I was 13, and every day is just full of more pain and despair. 


People tell me not to give up on myself, but it gets more and more tempting as time goes on. Ever since I was 15, I always had a strong feeling I would die by suicide. I figured I wouldn't kill myself until I was 27 or 28, but things are becoming more disasterous. I just wish I had the courage to end this suffering soon. I feel like such a disgusting coward and a fraud. I'm ashamed to exist, to take up space in this world.",shouganai_,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcq1c9/life_is_unbearable_im_losing_my_mind_i_wish_i_had/,realizing damn hard truth never happy ever since wa little kid felt like wa bad know child play house used therapy evaluate outlook issue wa kid would play house finger wa mom dad brother sister pinky finger time everyone would gang beat sister remembered used play game day think real excuse wa anxious hell young age irritable fuck kind kid think shit wa messed back talked professional seem think anxiety depression say faced lot trauma life suppose make sense parent heavily abused childhood mom even tried kill young kid dad wa abusive alcoholic childhood mom would fight lot would swear would hit throw thing would scream would usually tell go hell drop dead dad wa verbally abusive remember would hit brother presume hit remember remember wa teenager got angry held couch wa detached thought wa wa angry wa drool wa gross love parent despite flaw like fight time wa younger remember often got row one parent would get involved would fight would say horrible thing like said would say awful thing like wa mad mom said look mirror see ugly look would tell get sight lot get called bitch time told treat horrible hate even say ugh note trauma realized earlier year wa repeatedly raped oral vaginal ex course year also tough process fucked know parent love read child taught independent want happy always something missing guess realized may chronic state mild dissociation often feel detached body emotion environment people feel like fog limb quite attached body feel floaty dizzy weak shaky time dissociate harder go totally numb move talk thing look smaller float behind body vision get weird scary yet comfortable aware detached limbo hour fade get headache body hurt exhausted back reality feel even rest day noticed also mildly dissociate try sleep head disconnected body limb feel large disconnect body incredibly disturbing know happens never even realized apparently dissociate started thinking childhood experienced crazy depersonalization derealization happened realized wa familiar remembered lot kid realization fucked really make feel crazy apparent somatic symptom developed chronic visual snow headache teenager also started getting ocular migraine numerous test exam showed well stress mouth ha hurting past year well even got extra wisdom tooth removed thinking wa source pain nope pain persists noticeable stressed xrays exam show thing fine feel like damn hypochondriac like malingering real feel weak lot also dizzy like brain rotting stuffed cotton fog head never clear focus much working difficult truly interact friend family anymore weight ha due horrible anxiety lost third body weight 9 month fell double depression lost 14 pound 2 week someone care confronted seriousness tried maintain weight worked month little breakdown lost 7 pound 5 day started antidepressant became apathetic hell aborted suicide attempt binge ate like crazy even though hungry wa like fuck deserve gain weight look disgusting gained 10 pound week hate much realize hate tried six seven antidepressant tried therapy time trying another med right feel damn hopeless wanted die since wa 13 every day full pain despair people tell give get tempting time go ever since wa 15 always strong feeling would die suicide figured kill wa 27 28 thing becoming disasterous wish courage end suffering soon feel like disgusting coward fraud ashamed exist take space world,life unbearable losing mind wish courage end shit praying someone read,shou gana,5786,125,shou gana realizing damn hard truth never happy ever since wa little kid felt like wa bad know child play house used therapy evaluate outlook issue wa kid would play house finger wa mom dad brother sister pinky finger time everyone would gang beat sister remembered used play game day think real excuse wa anxious hell young age irritable fuck kind kid think shit wa messed back talked professional seem think anxiety depression say faced lot trauma life suppose make sense parent heavily abused childhood mom even tried kill young kid dad wa abusive alcoholic childhood mom would fight lot would swear would hit throw thing would scream would usually tell go hell drop dead dad wa verbally abusive remember would hit brother presume hit remember remember wa teenager got angry held couch wa detached thought wa wa angry wa drool wa gross love parent despite flaw like fight time wa younger remember often got row one parent would get involved would fight would say horrible thing like said would say awful thing like wa mad mom said look mirror see ugly look would tell get sight lot get called bitch time told treat horrible hate even say ugh note trauma realized earlier year wa repeatedly raped oral vaginal ex course year also tough process fucked know parent love read child taught independent want happy always something missing guess realized may chronic state mild dissociation often feel detached body emotion environment people feel like fog limb quite attached body feel floaty dizzy weak shaky time dissociate harder go totally numb move talk thing look smaller float behind body vision get weird scary yet comfortable aware detached limbo hour fade get headache body hurt exhausted back reality feel even rest day noticed also mildly dissociate try sleep head disconnected body limb feel large disconnect body incredibly disturbing know happens never even realized apparently dissociate started thinking childhood experienced crazy depersonalization derealization happened realized wa familiar remembered lot kid realization fucked really make feel crazy apparent somatic symptom developed chronic visual snow headache teenager also started getting ocular migraine numerous test exam showed well stress mouth ha hurting past year well even got extra wisdom tooth removed thinking wa source pain nope pain persists noticeable stressed xrays exam show thing fine feel like damn hypochondriac like malingering real feel weak lot also dizzy like brain rotting stuffed cotton fog head never clear focus much working difficult truly interact friend family anymore weight ha due horrible anxiety lost third body weight 9 month fell double depression lost 14 pound 2 week someone care confronted seriousness tried maintain weight worked month little breakdown lost 7 pound 5 day started antidepressant became apathetic hell aborted suicide attempt binge ate like crazy even though hungry wa like fuck deserve gain weight look disgusting gained 10 pound week hate much realize hate tried six seven antidepressant tried therapy time trying another med right feel damn hopeless wanted die since wa 13 every day full pain despair people tell give get tempting time go ever since wa 15 always strong feeling would die suicide figured kill wa 27 28 thing becoming disasterous wish courage end suffering soon feel like disgusting coward fraud ashamed exist take space world life unbearable losing mind wish courage end shit praying someone read
Going through a bad episode. Holding on by a thread. One little thing could push me over the edge.,"My bedroom and bathroom look like a hurricane struck them and I can’t even eat normally, if at all. I can barely move. That’s not an exaggeration, just doing simple tasks feels like agony. I haven’t self-harmed in almost a year, yet I feel like relapsing. I just want to give myself alcohol poisoning or jump off of a bridge over an interstate. I feel like a burden on my fiancé. I know he loves me and that he’s concerned but he has his own problems and I’m only adding to his. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t know who the fuck I am. I dread the future. Watching my boomer parents suffer from addiction, depression and loneliness and struggle to afford retirement doesn’t give me high hopes. I despise the fucking world. I want no part of any of this cruel, selfish, violent, disgusting place. I don’t have the energy to partake in this rat race just to survive. 

If you’ve read this far, thanks for taking the time. Sometimes all someone needs is to vent and not hold back their real thoughts and feelings.",hardrockjunkie,15,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1mu4/going_through_a_bad_episode_holding_on_by_a/,bedroom bathroom look like hurricane struck even eat normally barely move exaggeration simple task feel like agony self harmed almost year yet feel like relapsing want give alcohol poisoning jump bridge interstate feel like burden fiancé know love concerned ha problem adding recognize anymore know fuck dread future watching boomer parent suffer addiction depression loneliness struggle afford retirement give high hope despise fucking world want part cruel selfish violent disgusting place energy partake rat race survive read far thanks taking time sometimes someone need vent hold back real thought feeling,going bad episode holding thread one little thing could push edge,hard rock junkie,1019,98,hard rock junkie bedroom bathroom look like hurricane struck even eat normally barely move exaggeration simple task feel like agony self harmed almost year yet feel like relapsing want give alcohol poisoning jump bridge interstate feel like burden fiancé know love concerned ha problem adding recognize anymore know fuck dread future watching boomer parent suffer addiction depression loneliness struggle afford retirement give high hope despise fucking world want part cruel selfish violent disgusting place energy partake rat race survive read far thanks taking time sometimes someone need vent hold back real thought feeling going bad episode holding thread one little thing could push edge
Why don’t I just off myself already?,"I’m very depressed. I’m also an antinatalist. And I’m also a nihilist. 

So, I do not think there is a point to living. Furthermore, I wish I was never born. 

I do not want to die necessarily I just wish I was never alive in the first place. 

Everyday I wake up wanting to not live. 

What is keeping me from just killing myself. 

I’m beyond miserable.",httpher,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7o9i/why_dont_i_just_off_myself_already/,depressed also antinatalist also nihilist think point living furthermore wish wa never born want die necessarily wish wa never alive first place everyday wake wanting live keeping killing beyond miserable,already,http,355,36,http depressed also antinatalist also nihilist think point living furthermore wish wa never born want die necessarily wish wa never alive first place everyday wake wanting live keeping killing beyond miserable already
...,Everyone's a backstabbing sack of shit,cassie7189,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4q4s/_/,everyone backstabbing sack shit,,cassie 7189,38,3,cassie 7189 everyone backstabbing sack shit 
They say you wont grow if you feel comfortable...,"I say comfort is what we need after all the pain and suffering that we been through, so please dont take that away to others just to push them farther, a tree only grows after a storm.",XenonKhaos,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7mt5/they_say_you_wont_grow_if_you_feel_comfortable/,say comfort need pain suffering please dont take away others push farther tree grows storm,say wont grow feel comfortable,xenon khao,184,49,xenon khao say comfort need pain suffering please dont take away others push farther tree grows storm say wont grow feel comfortable
I don’t have a future.,"Of course everyone has a future, you can’t stop the future from happening. I mean my future is worthless, I have no plans except suicide at some point. no stability in my life whatsoever. I’m literally just waiting for death to occur whether its suicide or not.",imsososossad,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1c05/i_dont_have_a_future/,course everyone ha future stop future happening mean future worthless plan except suicide point stability life whatsoever literally waiting death occur whether suicide,future,im sad,261,22,im sad course everyone ha future stop future happening mean future worthless plan except suicide point stability life whatsoever literally waiting death occur whether suicide future
How long before I can admit this is actually what I want?,"The first time I ever imagined killing myself I was 8 years old. Since then all I’ve ever done is hurt people and been hurt by people. Even before then, all I can ever remember knowing was abuse. I’m sure there were good things.  I know there have been good things since... but when 90% of all you ever know is wanting out.. when do you just admit it’s what you actually want?",escapinghangzhou,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4n3s/how_long_before_i_can_admit_this_is_actually_what/,first time ever imagined killing wa 8 year old since ever done hurt people hurt people even ever remember knowing wa abuse sure good thing know good thing since 90 ever know wanting admit actually want,long admit actually want,escaping hangzhou,376,57,escaping hangzhou first time ever imagined killing wa 8 year old since ever done hurt people hurt people even ever remember knowing wa abuse sure good thing know good thing since 90 ever know wanting admit actually want long admit actually want
"On the surface, I have a great life.","Married to a great guy, two great kids, a job that pays well in the field I went to school for, cuddly cats and dogs. 
But I’m bipolar II, major depression issues, anxiety ridden. It’s all so much. Inside is empty. I don’t want to have sex with my wonderful husband (or anyone). I don’t want to go out. I drag myself in late to work every day. I’ve been skipping showers because it’s such a hassle. 
I’m on meds, trileptal, sertraline, lorazepam. I haven’t been to my therapist in a while because I don’t really want to talk about it. I think about flipping my car on the highway a lot.
I want to switch careers but I’m scared. I want to have a libido again. I want to be the mother my girls deserve. I want to return the loyalty of my staff with enthusiasm and energy. 
Everything is just...off.",SayGjetost,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2ru7/on_the_surface_i_have_a_great_life/,married great guy two great kid job pay well field went school cuddly cat dog bipolar ii major depression issue anxiety ridden much inside empty want sex wonderful husband anyone want go drag late work every day skipping shower hassle med trileptal sertraline lorazepam therapist really want talk think flipping car highway lot want switch career scared want libido want mother girl deserve want return loyalty staff enthusiasm energy everything,surface great life,say g jet ost,796,36,say g jet ost married great guy two great kid job pay well field went school cuddly cat dog bipolar ii major depression issue anxiety ridden much inside empty want sex wonderful husband anyone want go drag late work every day skipping shower hassle med trileptal sertraline lorazepam therapist really want talk think flipping car highway lot want switch career scared want libido want mother girl deserve want return loyalty staff enthusiasm energy everything surface great life
Am I suicidal?,What do you do if you aren’t suicidal but you can’t stop thinking about suicide? Like I have no intention or plan but I think about it all day every day.,EmotionalBeautiful3,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2qvl/am_i_suicidal/,suicidal stop thinking suicide like intention plan think day every day,suicidal,emotional beautiful 3,153,14,emotional beautiful 3 suicidal stop thinking suicide like intention plan think day every day suicidal
Why am I bad at EVERYTHING!!!,I can’t do anything right. I have a friend who can do what I can and she can do it better and can do more. I know you shouldn’t compare yourself but I don’t care! I’m DONE byeeee!,turtles-and-pie,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7ja0/why_am_i_bad_at_everything/,anything right friend better know compare care done byeeee,bad everything,turtle pie,179,29,turtle pie anything right friend better know compare care done byeeee bad everything
Is Golden State Bridge still a option for suicide?,"I read they made changes to the bridge, but does anyone know if it’s still available to jump off??",Bluedream925,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2olp/is_golden_state_bridge_still_a_option_for_suicide/,read made change bridge doe anyone know still available jump,golden state bridge still option suicide,blue dream 925,98,50,blue dream 925 read made change bridge doe anyone know still available jump golden state bridge still option suicide
Probably gonna do it sometime this month.,"Depends on how much my friends and/or family hate me when I tell them I won't be here for much longer. If they try to convince me not to it'll probably be delayed for a while until they calm down, but I feel like it's inevitable. I can't see myself making it to 2021.

We'll see how it goes I guess.",YeetOrBeYeeten3000,13,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4jq6/probably_gonna_do_it_sometime_this_month/,depends much friend family hate tell much longer try convince probably delayed calm feel like inevitable see making 2021 see go guess,probably gonna sometime month,yee tor yee ten 3000,299,41,yee tor yee ten 3000 depends much friend family hate tell much longer try convince probably delayed calm feel like inevitable see making 2021 see go guess probably gonna sometime month
I’m so lonely,"I want to talk to somebody. I don’t have any friends anymore and my parents “hate the new me.” I don’t show up to school half of the time and I don’t have any friends to sit with at lunch. I don’t even cry anymore. There’s no reason to go on, but I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself. My self esteem is so low I’m scared to even post this. Hope others can relate.",seoullune,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4j5z/im_so_lonely/,want talk somebody friend anymore parent hate new show school half time friend sit lunch even cry anymore reason go much pussy kill self esteem low scared even post hope others relate,lonely,seoul lune,365,13,seoul lune want talk somebody friend anymore parent hate new show school half time friend sit lunch even cry anymore reason go much pussy kill self esteem low scared even post hope others relate lonely
I'm invisible,"Granted I'm known by many acquaintances but have zero friends. I am often repeating myself because so called friends don't listen or dont hear me or frankly, don't give a shit. I've been suffering from bipolar disorder, manic depression, for upwards of 18 years. I told myseld if I could just make it past 27 yrs things would get better. I've been hospitalized, most recently in September 2019, the staff basically said they don't treat us but just monitor us until we are stable on meds and fit to leave. I have no family, raised in the foster care system and I'm completely alone. I don't see the point in living anymore if I'm constantly in mental agony or being ignored or used on every level. I've taken care of people I thought were friends because I have so much love to give but misguided as usual I end up used and thrown out like a tissue or ignored blatantly. I can't keep a job so my stability is often rocked by my own uncontrollable emotions and outbursts and I can't cope anymore. I'm losing hope and honestly just would like someone to acknowledge that I am alive and a sensitive but real person. Even then I don't know how to curb the feelings and thoughts of suicide. My closest friends growing up have all passed, either by suicide or excessive drug use I'm honestly debating the same path because without them I'm more alone than ever. 
Idk if reddit is the place for this but at the very least I'm getting this out and have one outlet to speak on my real feelings. I've sought therapy and a psych for meds but it seems like they never want to hear the bad or try to ""silver lining"" my struggles by saying I'm so strong....I'm tired, no exhausted, from being so strong. When am I allowed to be vulnerable and get real help? Not just a Rx bandaid that doesn't work.",Prime_Time13,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcy1eg/im_invisible/,granted known many acquaintance zero friend often repeating called friend listen dont hear frankly give shit suffering bipolar disorder manic depression upwards 18 year told myseld could make past 27 yr thing would get better hospitalized recently september 2019 staff basically said treat u monitor u stable med fit leave family raised foster care system completely alone see point living anymore constantly mental agony ignored used every level taken care people thought friend much love give misguided usual end used thrown like tissue ignored blatantly keep job stability often rocked uncontrollable emotion outburst cope anymore losing hope honestly would like someone acknowledge alive sensitive real person even know curb feeling thought suicide closest friend growing passed either suicide excessive drug use honestly debating path without alone ever idk reddit place least getting one outlet speak real feeling sought therapy psych med seems like never want hear bad try silver lining struggle saying strong tired exhausted strong allowed vulnerable get real help rx bandaid work,invisible,prime time 13,1784,13,prime time 13 granted known many acquaintance zero friend often repeating called friend listen dont hear frankly give shit suffering bipolar disorder manic depression upwards 18 year told myseld could make past 27 yr thing would get better hospitalized recently september 2019 staff basically said treat u monitor u stable med fit leave family raised foster care system completely alone see point living anymore constantly mental agony ignored used every level taken care people thought friend much love give misguided usual end used thrown like tissue ignored blatantly keep job stability often rocked uncontrollable emotion outburst cope anymore losing hope honestly would like someone acknowledge alive sensitive real person even know curb feeling thought suicide closest friend growing passed either suicide excessive drug use honestly debating path without alone ever idk reddit place least getting one outlet speak real feeling sought therapy psych med seems like never want hear bad try silver lining struggle saying strong tired exhausted strong allowed vulnerable get real help rx bandaid work invisible
I’m scared and I need help,Nothing is real. Time doesn’t make sense. I’ve run out of weed and I’m too paranoid to get more. I don’t know if it’s more selfish to just end it or stay and continue to waste my parents money on meds and doctors. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think it matters. What do I do?,killmeifyouwant,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2f1e/im_scared_and_i_need_help/,nothing real time make sense run weed paranoid get know selfish end stay continue waste parent money med doctor know else say think matter,scared need help,kill want,284,26,kill want nothing real time make sense run weed paranoid get know selfish end stay continue waste parent money med doctor know else say think matter scared need help
Im extremely lonely.,"I have no real life friends, I sometimes talk to people during school about mutual subjects but never get called up after school or on the weekends. I have decent grades and I live comfortably but no one likes me. I try to be approachable I try to be nice it’s always the “shut up I didn’t ask” or “go away, no one wants you here,” I’m going to a therapist this Friday but I’m tired of living in a constant state of loneliness and isolation. I’ve begun to slit my area of my arm from my shoulder to the elbow. I don’t want people to see or know that I’m in pain. Everyday I go to school with a smile on my face. I come home and cry. No one likes me. I have nothing. I am worthless. 

I don’t know what I was hoping to accomplish by saying this but hey, that’s my story. 😕",DatHypeBoiAsh,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7alx/im_extremely_lonely/,real life friend sometimes talk people school mutual subject never get called school weekend decent grade live comfortably one like try approachable try nice always shut ask go away one want going therapist friday tired living constant state loneliness isolation begun slit area arm shoulder elbow want people see know pain everyday go school smile face come home cry one like nothing worthless know wa hoping accomplish saying hey story,im extremely lonely,dat hype boi ash,771,20,dat hype boi ash real life friend sometimes talk people school mutual subject never get called school weekend decent grade live comfortably one like try approachable try nice always shut ask go away one want going therapist friday tired living constant state loneliness isolation begun slit area arm shoulder elbow want people see know pain everyday go school smile face come home cry one like nothing worthless know wa hoping accomplish saying hey story im extremely lonely
Coming to terms that maybe I just want to end it all and be done with it.,"I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a very long time. I’ve seen my GP, been put on meds, I’ve been to counselling you name it I’ve tried. But apart of me just feels like I’ve had enough and the only option is just to end my life. Sounds dramatic and selfish but if I’m honest I just feel like I have nobody there for me anymore and I’m just disappointing people around me like my parents for example, I know deep down that I’m just a failure in their eyes and all I’m doing is prolonging more upset for them as I’ve made there lives difficult in certain aspects with my depression and constantly making them worry. But I also feel as tho if I end it then there wouldn’t be that worry I’d then be gone. if I speak to my friends about it they’ll just turn around and say man up or stop being soft. Which has now just caused me to believe that I don’t have anyone there close to me to talk to, feel like Cant rely on anyone anymore and I just would be better off dead. Me and my ex split 6 months ago a short term relationship but that was one thing I felt really happy about and that ended because of how I am, just sad and perhaps not all there, or perhaps I’m just not capable in being in a relationship as there’s just clearly something wrong with me. I don’t see myself moving on from her to another as it shattered me deeply and I just can’t seem to want to get back out there, I just don’t believe I’m that type of person for anyone like she was at the time. Many things I could add to the list like I’m mid 20s I only have a part time job and I don’t feel motivated or want to look for a career because I just don’t feel I’m good enough anymore. Feels as though I’m really done with life and that my times is up and I don’t really know what to do anymore. I’m just sad and existing in a world that I don’t want to be apart of anymore and I’m typing this really because I don’t know who else to talk to about it anymore. I just want to crawl in a ball and cry every day and I wake up and go to sleep thinking I want to be dead. I just wish I could be happy again and be myself but it just doesn’t feel an option anymore..",martmaria8517,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4al9/coming_to_terms_that_maybe_i_just_want_to_end_it/,suicidal thought long time seen gp put med counselling name tried apart feel like enough option end life sound dramatic selfish honest feel like nobody anymore disappointing people around like parent example know deep failure eye prolonging upset made life difficult certain aspect depression constantly making worry also feel tho end worry gone speak friend turn around say man stop soft ha caused believe anyone close talk feel like cant rely anyone anymore would better dead ex split 6 month ago short term relationship wa one thing felt really happy ended sad perhaps perhaps capable relationship clearly something wrong see moving another shattered deeply seem want get back believe type person anyone like wa time many thing could add list like mid 20 part time job feel motivated want look career feel good enough anymore feel though really done life time really know anymore sad existing world want apart anymore typing really know else talk anymore want crawl ball cry every day wake go sleep thinking want dead wish could happy feel option anymore,coming term maybe want end done,mart maria 8517,2120,73,mart maria 8517 suicidal thought long time seen gp put med counselling name tried apart feel like enough option end life sound dramatic selfish honest feel like nobody anymore disappointing people around like parent example know deep failure eye prolonging upset made life difficult certain aspect depression constantly making worry also feel tho end worry gone speak friend turn around say man stop soft ha caused believe anyone close talk feel like cant rely anyone anymore would better dead ex split 6 month ago short term relationship wa one thing felt really happy ended sad perhaps perhaps capable relationship clearly something wrong see moving another shattered deeply seem want get back believe type person anyone like wa time many thing could add list like mid 20 part time job feel motivated want look career feel good enough anymore feel though really done life time really know anymore sad existing world want apart anymore typing really know else talk anymore want crawl ball cry every day wake go sleep thinking want dead wish could happy feel option anymore coming term maybe want end done
A story to hopefully bring you back from the brink of suicide...,"Hi there, I don’t know if this will help you at all, but if it helps even one person, that’s enough for me. A bit of back ground information, I am a 22 year old that has been suffering from severe depression for the past year, with suicidal thoughts everyday of every hour. I felt like I was already dead cause no one seemed to notice me and I was slowly wasting away from the inside out. I also began to hear voices that would constantly berate me and tell me to kill myself, and after this, I sought help from my GP and was put onto anti-depressants (Sertraline) which did absolutely nothing. They didn’t make it worse, but they certainly didn’t make it better.

I was then put onto another anti-depressant (Mirtazapine) which I started taking at the beginning of February 2020, which seemed to help. I had the energy to finally get out of bed, take a shower and leave the house. But a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that although I had the energy to get up and go about my daily life, I was still thinking about killing myself everyday, but this time it was different as I had the energy and motivation to actually come up with a detailed plan and go through with it; and this scared me so much as I have never felt an urge to kill myself as much as I have in the last couple of weeks. 

So yesterday, I had a lot to deal with. My partner has been very sick with an unknown illness for nearly a year, so his parents rushed him to hospital. I was an absolute mess as I have been really struggling to 
silence the suicidal thoughts, whilst also fulfilling my duty as a carer for my partner. I had a mental breakdown after they took him to the hospital as the voices wouldn’t stop. I actually began shouting back at them, but after a few minutes sobbing on the bathroom floor, I became completely numb and decided to follow through with my plan. 

I grabbed my supplies, which involved a dog lead, but I had made sure to buy this one especially for this occasion as it perfectly fit around my neck and had a sturdy metal clip which I could attach to the banister which would hold my weight. I was ready to do it, I was ready to go, and I put the collar around my neck and began to push my neck down into the collar to cut off the blood supply to the main artery in my neck, I heard this would only take a minute or so to make me unconscious, and the whole time I was holding my dog close to my chest cause I was so scared, but I wanted to die so badly. As I could feel myself going, I stopped. And I don’t know what stopped me, but part of me thought that it wasn’t my time to go. So I ended up picking up the phone and calling someone, who managed to calm me down and helped me look at everything from a different perspective. 

I know a lot of people will say that it’s selfish for feeling suicidal or committing suicide due to the hurt it would cause to family/friends etc but from what I felt yesterday, none of that mattered. I truly believed that I wanted to die, and if I hadn’t have stopped myself when I had, I would probably be dead now. 

But this morning, my partner finally got an official diagnosis of what has been making him so ill. I am currently sat in the hospital waiting for him to come out of surgery, and I have been told by the doctors that he is going to live a very healthy, normal life after this operation. If I had have killed myself yesterday afternoon, I would never have gotten to find out that my partner was going to be okay. I would never get to marry him in April. I would never get to see him healthy and happy again. All of these things I would have never known if I was dead now. I can now look forward to being able to spend time with my partner who can now start to enjoy his life again, and I can try and enjoy mine as much as I can knowing that he will be around for a long time. 

What I’m trying to get at after my long ass story, is that if there is any sort of hope you can cling onto, whether thats a friend, a pet, something you’ve got planned in the near future, or even just the feeling of the sun on your skin. Anything to get you through each day. You never have know when your life could take a turn for the best, or if something amazing will happen; and all of these things you will never get to experience if you end it all now. I’m not here to say that you shouldn’t do it, because at the end of the day, I’m just some stranger on the internet that you don’t know. But what I do know is that things can always get better. Always. But you never know when; and you’ll never know if you’re not here.",RedandBlue912,14,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcuzx0/a_story_to_hopefully_bring_you_back_from_the/,hi know help help even one person enough bit back ground information 22 year old ha suffering severe depression past year suicidal thought everyday every hour felt like wa already dead cause one seemed notice wa slowly wasting away inside also began hear voice would constantly berate tell kill sought help gp wa put onto anti depressant sertraline absolutely nothing make worse certainly make better wa put onto another anti depressant mirtazapine started taking beginning february 2020 seemed help energy finally get bed take shower leave house couple week ago noticed although energy get go daily life wa still thinking killing everyday time wa different energy motivation actually come detailed plan go scared much never felt urge kill much last couple week yesterday lot deal partner ha sick unknown illness nearly year parent rushed hospital wa absolute mess really struggling silence suicidal thought whilst also fulfilling duty carer partner mental breakdown took hospital voice stop actually began shouting back minute sobbing bathroom floor became completely numb decided follow plan grabbed supply involved dog lead made sure buy one especially occasion perfectly fit around neck sturdy metal clip could attach banister would hold weight wa ready wa ready go put collar around neck began push neck collar cut blood supply main artery neck heard would take minute make unconscious whole time wa holding dog close chest cause wa scared wanted die badly could feel going stopped know stopped part thought time go ended picking phone calling someone managed calm helped look everything different perspective know lot people say selfish feeling suicidal committing suicide due hurt would cause family friend etc felt yesterday none mattered truly believed wanted die stopped would probably dead morning partner finally got official diagnosis ha making ill currently sat hospital waiting come surgery told doctor going live healthy normal life operation killed yesterday afternoon would never gotten find partner wa going okay would never get marry april would never get see healthy happy thing would never known wa dead look forward able spend time partner start enjoy life try enjoy mine much knowing around long time trying get long story sort hope cling onto whether thats friend pet something got planned near future even feeling sun skin anything get day never know life could take turn best something amazing happen thing never get experience end say end day stranger internet know know thing always get better always never know never know,story hopefully bring back brink suicide,red blue 912,4553,64,red blue 912 hi know help help even one person enough bit back ground information 22 year old ha suffering severe depression past year suicidal thought everyday every hour felt like wa already dead cause one seemed notice wa slowly wasting away inside also began hear voice would constantly berate tell kill sought help gp wa put onto anti depressant sertraline absolutely nothing make worse certainly make better wa put onto another anti depressant mirtazapine started taking beginning february 2020 seemed help energy finally get bed take shower leave house couple week ago noticed although energy get go daily life wa still thinking killing everyday time wa different energy motivation actually come detailed plan go scared much never felt urge kill much last couple week yesterday lot deal partner ha sick unknown illness nearly year parent rushed hospital wa absolute mess really struggling silence suicidal thought whilst also fulfilling duty carer partner mental breakdown took hospital voice stop actually began shouting back minute sobbing bathroom floor became completely numb decided follow plan grabbed supply involved dog lead made sure buy one especially occasion perfectly fit around neck sturdy metal clip could attach banister would hold weight wa ready wa ready go put collar around neck began push neck collar cut blood supply main artery neck heard would take minute make unconscious whole time wa holding dog close chest cause wa scared wanted die badly could feel going stopped know stopped part thought time go ended picking phone calling someone managed calm helped look everything different perspective know lot people say selfish feeling suicidal committing suicide due hurt would cause family friend etc felt yesterday none mattered truly believed wanted die stopped would probably dead morning partner finally got official diagnosis ha making ill currently sat hospital waiting come surgery told doctor going live healthy normal life operation killed yesterday afternoon would never gotten find partner wa going okay would never get marry april would never get see healthy happy thing would never known wa dead look forward able spend time partner start enjoy life try enjoy mine much knowing around long time trying get long story sort hope cling onto whether thats friend pet something got planned near future even feeling sun skin anything get day never know life could take turn best something amazing happen thing never get experience end say end day stranger internet know know thing always get better always never know never know story hopefully bring back brink suicide
I keep fantasizing about commiting suicide and executing it....,"...but never actually have enough energy or courage to do it.
At least not yet.",that1sadpenguin,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0vsb/i_keep_fantasizing_about_commiting_suicide_and/,never actually enough energy courage least yet,keep fantasizing commiting suicide executing,1 sad penguin,79,63,1 sad penguin never actually enough energy courage least yet keep fantasizing commiting suicide executing
I'm gonna slit my wrists 🤡🤡,Fuck you assholes 🤡🌍🌍🌍🌍🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕,okcomptr,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd485x/im_gonna_slit_my_wrists/,fuck asshole,gonna slit wrist,ok comp tr,28,27,ok comp tr fuck asshole gonna slit wrist
I dont want to die. I dont want to keep breathing.,"I use to drink often, I stopped. I'm very intoxicated so I might be all over. Shit happens right. 

I've been depressed for so fucking long it hurts to think about. At 13, 16, 19 everyone says it'll get better. I'm 23 and nothing's gotten any better.

I had a 3 year relationship and she threw me to the curb. I had a 2 year relationship following (after a break from  the 1st, we only dated a year but were close/fuck buddies for a year leading to it) and we broke up tonight, fun fact we still live together until july. My depression doesn't stem from relationships, there's a plethora of things contributing to it. I think I'm out of my depth on this one. We were fuck buddies because I didn't want another relationship. I didn't want to give someone a chance to hurt me again. 

She was moving for school and I couldn't bare the thought of losing her so I asked her to date and we planned and did move in together.
I've punched myself in the face because it's less damaging then cutting myself. I think at this point if I self harm it'll be the end. I promised myself that long ago though I didn't follow through the last time I started cutting myself. This time I think I would, one  pump of adrenaline is all it would take then I wouldn't be hurt anymore. 

I left all my friends for her, I moved an hour away for her. I dont see a point in living, I dont see a point in eating or sleeping. 

I dont know what I'm expecting fro. This honestly, I have noone but my sister and I hate being a burden on her (though tonight she may have kept me here). I know how I'd do it, it would be a 10 minute trip to get what I need. I dont want to but I have nothing and noone. No friends, out.of my family only my nana and sister talk to me. I've texted my dad yesterday and today about a car issue and that's the most we've talked in 2 days than I can remember. Usually it's around 1 a month, sometimes more sometimes less.

I'm a burden on everyone. I think the world would be a better place. All I can think about is putting a knife against my throat and givin' er. 

Relationships didn't cause this, certainly attributed. No friends, no family, noone to hurt if I die. I dont know what I was hoping to accomplish with this post but I think its pushed me farther towards doing it.

I hope you have a good day, thanks for taking a few minutes to read my messy/suicidal thoughts.

Tldr: have a good day.",[deleted],2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd73tl/i_dont_want_to_die_i_dont_want_to_keep_breathing/,use drink often stopped intoxicated might shit happens right depressed fucking long hurt think 13 16 19 everyone say get better 23 nothing gotten better 3 year relationship threw curb 2 year relationship following break 1st dated year close fuck buddy year leading broke tonight fun fact still live together july depression stem relationship plethora thing contributing think depth one fuck buddy want another relationship want give someone chance hurt wa moving school bare thought losing asked date planned move together punched face le damaging cutting think point self harm end promised long ago though follow last time started cutting time think would one pump adrenaline would take hurt anymore left friend moved hour away dont see point living dont see point eating sleeping dont know expecting fro honestly noone sister hate burden though tonight may kept know would 10 minute trip get need dont want nothing noone friend family nana sister talk texted dad yesterday today car issue talked 2 day remember usually around 1 month sometimes sometimes le burden everyone think world would better place think putting knife throat givin er relationship cause certainly attributed friend family noone hurt die dont know wa hoping accomplish post think pushed farther towards hope good day thanks taking minute read messy suicidal thought tldr good day,dont want die dont want keep breathing,deleted,2397,50,deleted use drink often stopped intoxicated might shit happens right depressed fucking long hurt think 13 16 19 everyone say get better 23 nothing gotten better 3 year relationship threw curb 2 year relationship following break 1st dated year close fuck buddy year leading broke tonight fun fact still live together july depression stem relationship plethora thing contributing think depth one fuck buddy want another relationship want give someone chance hurt wa moving school bare thought losing asked date planned move together punched face le damaging cutting think point self harm end promised long ago though follow last time started cutting time think would one pump adrenaline would take hurt anymore left friend moved hour away dont see point living dont see point eating sleeping dont know expecting fro honestly noone sister hate burden though tonight may kept know would 10 minute trip get need dont want nothing noone friend family nana sister talk texted dad yesterday today car issue talked 2 day remember usually around 1 month sometimes sometimes le burden everyone think world would better place think putting knife throat givin er relationship cause certainly attributed friend family noone hurt die dont know wa hoping accomplish post think pushed farther towards hope good day thanks taking minute read messy suicidal thought tldr good day dont want die dont want keep breathing
"I ""should"" be fine, but I'm not","Make enough money. I'm fit, and pretty healthy. Got friends and family and a long distance gf who I know all care about me. Still feel like killing myself every day halfway through the work day like clockwork. Get home and stare at the wall while drinking a beer. Never want to talk to anyone or hang out with anyone. I've got several potential methods in mind, haven't picked one. Day in, day out, it's all the same. What's the point of it?",lepperdd,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd41kg/i_should_be_fine_but_im_not/,make enough money fit pretty healthy got friend family long distance gf know care still feel like killing every day halfway work day like clockwork get home stare wall drinking beer never want talk anyone hang anyone got several potential method mind picked one day day point,fine,le pper dd,441,31,le pper dd make enough money fit pretty healthy got friend family long distance gf know care still feel like killing every day halfway work day like clockwork get home stare wall drinking beer never want talk anyone hang anyone got several potential method mind picked one day day point fine
Hopeless,Help,Fuckboi_420_69,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd71mx/hopeless/,help,hopeless,fuck boi 420 69,4,8,fuck boi 420 69 help hopeless
I'm so tired of being alive,Just sick of having to wake up everyday and live a life I don't want to live. Im no where close to where I want to be in life and i have no idea how to get there. And that would have been alright if I could at least be myself with people I like. But i cant even be myself because my body dosnt belong to me it belongs to everyone else except me. I just want to dye my hair pierce and tattoo my body but I cant do that because im a piece of shit that cant do anything right. Im a grown ass adult whole still can't fucking drive or have a job or even firends I can talk to. I have no one I can talk to I couldn't even text the sucide hotline or contact a school counselor because my anxiety make me want to peel my skin off when I try. I feel trap in a never ending cycle and sometimes it feel like death is the only solution but I'm too scare to do it. And people keep saying it going to get better but its not always the case. And i dont think thats the case for me. At best things would just be alright but it will never be great.,mini_rainbow,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd419i/im_so_tired_of_being_alive/,sick wake everyday live life want live im close want life idea get would alright could least people like cant even body dosnt belong belongs everyone else except want dye hair pierce tattoo body cant im piece shit cant anything right im grown adult whole still fucking drive job even firends talk one talk even text sucide hotline contact school counselor anxiety make want peel skin try feel trap never ending cycle sometimes feel like death solution scare people keep saying going get better always case dont think thats case best thing would alright never great,tired alive,mini rainbow,1031,27,mini rainbow sick wake everyday live life want live im close want life idea get would alright could least people like cant even body dosnt belong belongs everyone else except want dye hair pierce tattoo body cant im piece shit cant anything right im grown adult whole still fucking drive job even firends talk one talk even text sucide hotline contact school counselor anxiety make want peel skin try feel trap never ending cycle sometimes feel like death solution scare people keep saying going get better always case dont think thats case best thing would alright never great tired alive
I don't have any future plans because I want to die. Can anyone relate?,"I don't know what I want to do in the future because I just don't want to experience anything of it. It has always been like that.

I feel like as if we live in a big factory. We are used until we break. We are numbers and treated as if we are worth nothing. It makes me sick. I want to escape it but there is literally no safe place on this planet.

I don't have any plans because I don't want to be a part of this cruel machine any longer. 

Do you have difficulties making future plans because you don't really see a future for yourself? Can you relate in some way? What is your reason?",ThrowAway378924,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcv2uz/i_dont_have_any_future_plans_because_i_want_to/,know want future want experience anything ha always like feel like live big factory used break number treated worth nothing make sick want escape literally safe place planet plan want part cruel machine longer difficulty making future plan really see future relate way reason,future plan want die anyone relate,throwaway 378924,589,71,throwaway 378924 know want future want experience anything ha always like feel like live big factory used break number treated worth nothing make sick want escape literally safe place planet plan want part cruel machine longer difficulty making future plan really see future relate way reason future plan want die anyone relate
What's a good way to give several people my suicide note without them realizing what it is for about 6 or so hours?,I'm in HS and only see them at the beginning of the day with no way to give it later and no way to escape school partway through but I wanna give it to 2 people and 2 teachers....,Im_Dead_Inside__,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd70ff/whats_a_good_way_to_give_several_people_my/,h see beginning day way give later way escape school partway wanna give 2 people 2 teacher,good way give several people suicide note without realizing 6 hour,im dead inside,179,115,im dead inside h see beginning day way give later way escape school partway wanna give 2 people 2 teacher good way give several people suicide note without realizing 6 hour
i feel like i deeply deserve death.,"i don’t care how others would feel about it anymore. don’t have any motivation to move forward at all. i feel hated. don’t feel like anyone loves me. don’t feel like anyone cares. i already hate myself. 14 and have little to no friends. i want people to talk to me, they know i want them to, but they just keep me away like i’m a nuisance. i probably am one. i mean.... i am one to myself. sooner or later imma be gone and i’ll be fucking happy. a 14 year old girl with nothing to live for🙃. great.",lil_queenmimi,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd7084/i_feel_like_i_deeply_deserve_death/,care others would feel anymore motivation move forward feel hated feel like anyone love feel like anyone care already hate 14 little friend want people talk know want keep away like nuisance probably one mean one sooner later imma gone fucking happy 14 year old girl nothing live great,feel like deeply deserve death,lil queen mimi,498,35,lil queen mimi care others would feel anymore motivation move forward feel hated feel like anyone love feel like anyone care already hate 14 little friend want people talk know want keep away like nuisance probably one mean one sooner later imma gone fucking happy 14 year old girl nothing live great feel like deeply deserve death
My depression just got worse and i lost my cat,I just got better a little bit and now i drinking and crying nonstop what should i do beside cutting myself or drinking alcohol?,abadassbitch_2000,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3xo9/my_depression_just_got_worse_and_i_lost_my_cat/,got better little bit drinking cry nonstop beside cutting drinking alcohol,depression got worse lost cat,bad bitch 2000,128,46,bad bitch 2000 got better little bit drinking cry nonstop beside cutting drinking alcohol depression got worse lost cat
Maintaining Relationships with People,"Hello!

First of all, I really appreciate that you are taking the time to read my post and whether you were able to provide me with advice or not, thank you!

I feel like in order to give a better understanding of my situation, I need to talk about what I've gone through (I'm sorry that it end being a very long post)

When I was a kid, I was pretty much normal and had my group of friends but I used to be very shy and faced a lot of verbal abuse at that time but kept quite and thought it was a normal and ok thing, it didn't affect me though very much because of that. However in middle school, I've experienced trauma that changed me forever and left a very deep scar on me emotionally that took me years to overcome because no one tried to help, those who see me went through it and those who I spoke to about it didn't try to help. For years I had trust issues and was paranoid most of the time, it was my first experience of feeling alone and that no one understands me, and slowly I started to drift away and shut myself out, I just wanted to be alone and because of that I started to lose friends but I didn't care at that time, I thought I was doing the right thing by avoiding as much social interaction as possible. I guess in a way I was trying to protect myself.

The years after that, I've tried to regain my social life back and make friends again, I tried everything that I can from trying to act as a happy and funny person cause no one wants to see the real me, my depressing and sad self who wants to make friends with such a person? and when it actually works out, I thought I was doing the right thing but it ends up making me more depressed cause it takes me a lot of effort to be ""that person"" and I really didn't felt like I'm making any deep connection with anyone so I was like screw it, I'll just be myself by which I mean that I will not try anything to be forcefully liked by others and I thought since I'm into so many things, I will probably find someone who is into one of these things and be friends with but that didn't work out either. I kinda became that extra friend in a group that her existence or not didn't make any difference or that friend who you come to when your other friends are not around or that person you hang out not because you enjoy their company but you just don't want to be sitting alone. That messed me up in my senior year of high school, I felt like shit and I spent most of the time during the break in the toilet cause I rather that than feeling like shit when I am with others. And just to be clear, they are not awful people and they didn't say anything bad to me, it's just I've been friends with them for so long and whether at that time when I was trying to be the funny and happy person or myself, either way, I never felt I belong or that anyone cared, I felt I was just someone they knew and sure why not they can call a ""friend"".

In college though is where my struggle peaked, all those friendships that I made in high school are slowly disappearing everyone was moving on with their lives and I guess that means leaving unwanted relationships behind but regardless I did what I thought was right and did my part. I've reached out to them but it always ends up a one-sided relationship with everyone apparently and no one will reach out to me if I don't so I stopped. There was this one person I was close to during my school years and I tried to be the friend she can rely on in time of needs and depend on, I wanted to be always there for her but she never makes time for me but somehow she can with others so I tried to put ""our friendship"" to the test and just respond coldly to her messages just to see if she will ask what's wrong, I want her to notice that there was a problem and see if she gonna care about our friendship but she ends up unfollowing me in social media and blocked me out of her life that simply even though she perfectly knows me too well and knows that this is not my kind of behavior.

I had no problem talking with strangers, I can open a conversation and interact with anyone easily so trying to get to know people in college was not difficult except I don't think anyone wanted to be my friend, I just remain their classmate. I end up making just one friend in college, we had a lot in common and I really believed it could work out but it took a lot of ignoring of her frustrating attitude which sometimes makes me wonder if she will bother to hold on to me if I ever show my frustration. At some point, I've gone through a deep depression that made me very suicidal and thought there was no future for me but I was trying to hold on to hope and as much I want to act tough and act like I can handle this I couldn't, I really just need someone to talk to and so far as you can see I had no one except this college friend and I didn't know how it will go but thought let's give it a try so I opened up to her and after when I was done, the conversation didn't last for 2 minutes and I was so crushed because sure maybe she was not the perfect person to open up to but at that time I didn't have any option and I just really needed someone in my life to talk to. I really thought I'm gonna do it on that day cause I really lost hope.

As of now, it feels like I'm back at the starting point. I probably sound very awfully pathetic person or stupid to you. Every time when I'm not able to maintain any relationship in my life, I asked myself what's wrong with me? what have I done wrong in my life? I realized after a while that I try to fix things so hard in my life that I end up breaking it or damaging it but I always thought I was doing the right thing and doing my part by reaching out or helping out but somehow it doesn't make things better. It always seems that I'm the one making the effort and if you didn't notice, throughout those stages of my life that I mentioned no one tried to be my friend or wanted to but I've always seemed to be the one who wants to be someone's friend. Right now, I'm very much confused about what exactly I'm supposed to do. I just don't understand why I'm struggling so much to find somewhere I belong, I feel very much rejected no matter what I do. If I make an effort or not I end up alone either way. Everyone in my life seems to give up on me and no one bothers to hold on to me. I just don't know if I'm supposed to give up and just accept the fact that maybe this is how things supposed to be in my life.

I tried not to bore you guys with the details and complicate stuff, I hope my situation was made clear and it wasn't confusing. I just really need some advice cause I don't think I'm going to find a good one from my mind. One again, thank you for taking the time to read my post!",Sabine_7,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3wz8/maintaining_relationships_with_people/,hello first really appreciate taking time read post whether able provide advice thank feel like order give better understanding situation need talk gone sorry end long post wa kid wa pretty much normal group friend used shy faced lot verbal abuse time kept quite thought wa normal ok thing affect though much however middle school experienced trauma changed forever left deep scar emotionally took year overcome one tried help see went spoke try help year trust issue wa paranoid time wa first experience feeling alone one understands slowly started drift away shut wanted alone started lose friend care time thought wa right thing avoiding much social interaction possible guess way wa trying protect year tried regain social life back make friend tried everything trying act happy funny person cause one want see real depressing sad self want make friend person actually work thought wa right thing end making depressed cause take lot effort person really felt like making deep connection anyone wa like screw mean try anything forcefully liked others thought since many thing probably find someone one thing friend work either kinda became extra friend group existence make difference friend come friend around person hang enjoy company want sitting alone messed senior year high school felt like shit spent time break toilet cause rather feeling like shit others clear awful people say anything bad friend long whether time wa trying funny happy person either way never felt belong anyone cared felt wa someone knew sure call friend college though struggle peaked friendship made high school slowly disappearing everyone wa moving life guess mean leaving unwanted relationship behind regardless thought wa right part reached always end one sided relationship everyone apparently one reach stopped wa one person wa close school year tried friend rely time need depend wanted always never make time somehow others tried put friendship test respond coldly message see ask wrong want notice wa problem see gonna care friendship end unfollowing social medium blocked life simply even though perfectly know well know kind behavior problem talking stranger open conversation interact anyone easily trying get know people college wa difficult except think anyone wanted friend remain classmate end making one friend college lot common really believed could work took lot ignoring frustrating attitude sometimes make wonder bother hold ever show frustration point gone deep depression made suicidal thought wa future wa trying hold hope much want act tough act like handle really need someone talk far see one except college friend know go thought let give try opened wa done conversation last 2 minute wa crushed sure maybe wa perfect person open time option really needed someone life talk really thought gonna day cause really lost hope feel like back starting point probably sound awfully pathetic person stupid every time able maintain relationship life asked wrong done wrong life realized try fix thing hard life end breaking damaging always thought wa right thing part reaching helping somehow make thing better always seems one making effort notice throughout stage life mentioned one tried friend wanted always seemed one want someone friend right much confused exactly supposed understand struggling much find somewhere belong feel much rejected matter make effort end alone either way everyone life seems give one bother hold know supposed give accept fact maybe thing supposed life tried bore guy detail complicate stuff hope situation wa made clear confusing really need advice cause think going find good one mind one thank taking time read post,maintaining relationship people,sabine 7,6736,37,sabine 7 hello first really appreciate taking time read post whether able provide advice thank feel like order give better understanding situation need talk gone sorry end long post wa kid wa pretty much normal group friend used shy faced lot verbal abuse time kept quite thought wa normal ok thing affect though much however middle school experienced trauma changed forever left deep scar emotionally took year overcome one tried help see went spoke try help year trust issue wa paranoid time wa first experience feeling alone one understands slowly started drift away shut wanted alone started lose friend care time thought wa right thing avoiding much social interaction possible guess way wa trying protect year tried regain social life back make friend tried everything trying act happy funny person cause one want see real depressing sad self want make friend person actually work thought wa right thing end making depressed cause take lot effort person really felt like making deep connection anyone wa like screw mean try anything forcefully liked others thought since many thing probably find someone one thing friend work either kinda became extra friend group existence make difference friend come friend around person hang enjoy company want sitting alone messed senior year high school felt like shit spent time break toilet cause rather feeling like shit others clear awful people say anything bad friend long whether time wa trying funny happy person either way never felt belong anyone cared felt wa someone knew sure call friend college though struggle peaked friendship made high school slowly disappearing everyone wa moving life guess mean leaving unwanted relationship behind regardless thought wa right part reached always end one sided relationship everyone apparently one reach stopped wa one person wa close school year tried friend rely time need depend wanted always never make time somehow others tried put friendship test respond coldly message see ask wrong want notice wa problem see gonna care friendship end unfollowing social medium blocked life simply even though perfectly know well know kind behavior problem talking stranger open conversation interact anyone easily trying get know people college wa difficult except think anyone wanted friend remain classmate end making one friend college lot common really believed could work took lot ignoring frustrating attitude sometimes make wonder bother hold ever show frustration point gone deep depression made suicidal thought wa future wa trying hold hope much want act tough act like handle really need someone talk far see one except college friend know go thought let give try opened wa done conversation last 2 minute wa crushed sure maybe wa perfect person open time option really needed someone life talk really thought gonna day cause really lost hope feel like back starting point probably sound awfully pathetic person stupid every time able maintain relationship life asked wrong done wrong life realized try fix thing hard life end breaking damaging always thought wa right thing part reaching helping somehow make thing better always seems one making effort notice throughout stage life mentioned one tried friend wanted always seemed one want someone friend right much confused exactly supposed understand struggling much find somewhere belong feel much rejected matter make effort end alone either way everyone life seems give one bother hold know supposed give accept fact maybe thing supposed life tried bore guy detail complicate stuff hope situation wa made clear confusing really need advice cause think going find good one mind one thank taking time read post maintaining relationship people
Is suicide worth it?,"Hi, I'm 15 years old. Currently been pulled out of school,due to many reasons, which is why I'm here so that I can clear my mind of any other thoughts that may lead me to things that I might regret later on. I'd like to share first my story so that no one would come at me.(ex. You're just 15, its just a phase. Pls stop doing this to get attention.etc) when I was very young I didn't really paid any attention whenever my father and mother would fought or when my sister( the 2nd oldest) would always ignore or would get pissed at me, because I thought that it was the norm. But things got worse when the whole family fought because of the sh*tty things my father had done and it all started because of me drinking a godd*mn cola, it went like this: ""who drank the cola?"" My father asked I was very scared so I didn't replied he asked that again and again until my mother told my father off, until they just started to shout at each other which forced my eldest sister to butt in, and the whole thing went to what my father did, such as adultery and abuse. So it lead to my father pushing my mother, which pushed my sisters to fight my father, physically. I couldn't do anything but it really shocked me, and blamed myself for it. After the whole ordeal, it took 5 months to mend back the family. I thought finally, but I still had other problemsto face. I know that its stereotypical of me to say this but my asian parents(filipino) would always forced me to study when I never wanted any of this, I just wanted to play with other kids with no care in the world but I couldn't. My mothers way of teaching really left a toll on me cuz she would just hit me whenever I get the wrong answer or if I couldn't reply with the correct answer. I've always been the 2nd honor roll, but when she said this to me on the way back home ""pls don't drop your grades it would be really embarassing to my friends if you did"" that was jusy painful for me. others may think that I'm overreacting it was still really painful, tho I still couldn't speak my mind, I continued still, I was getting bullied as well for no reason. Years went by I was already in my first year of highschool in a prestige academy. I made friends, been respected, and I had little bumps in my grades but I still felt really great. Then one day one of my friends who is a guy told me to hang out with him, I couldn't tell that he had malicious intents. I was just really stupid. He cornered me ""can i touch your boobs?"" He said, I was shocked and refused but he was really strong and managed to touched me and resorted to attempted rape, afte I broke free, crying and running in the same day. I couldn't tell anyone nor my parent. So I just cried the whole night and proceeded to go to school and bearing to be with him in the same class. I had finally mustered up the courage to tell the guidance councelor, and due to that he got expelled and words got out because of the things he did and so I got harassed even more with the guys but I couldn't do anything and told myself to bear with it. I now entered my 2nd year of highschool which started the changes with me I became more irritated, a hot mess. I've been disrespectful to my mom, the reason we fight every morning. And another problem rosed up. A mistress of my father contacted me, I knew that she was just messing with me but I felt so angry. So I told my guidance counselor because I didn't know what to do anymore, so she told my mom and filed a case to my dads mistress, but the case got dropped because they said the account iwas fake when clearly it wasn't, I know I'm no professional but it was pretty obvious that it wasn't fake. I got even more mad because my mom didn't mind and told me it must be  Gods plan (I'm christian but I'm not really on how my mother believes)now things really went downhill for me.I couldn't eat, I couldn't think of happy thoughts, I  would just think of nothing, or everything is just useless even humanity, and that I wished I could just sleep and die from it. Things got even worse because my sister(the 2nd eldest), whenever I tell her shes wrong she would get mad at me,whenever I got mad at her she would get made at me, even tho she was in the wrong, but she was too prideful and wouldn't say sorry but I still did anyway. When things got even more hectic I started to hurt myself, my mom knew and told me angrily that I did it because of the internet. I couldn't take it anymore everything that I do is wrong,  its like I'm the misfortune. I wanted to kill myself, which is why I went to the guidance counselor, and told my mom everything, so she pulled me out of school, and appointed me to a psychiatrist but the medicines was too much for me, in short it was painful, and it makes me go insane for some reason, and even messed with my diet(made me eat more). So my mom stopped me from drinking the pills, but the withdrawal was sh*tty too. I still get mad at everything and I really want to kill myself. I mean I don't know I'm still thinking of the pros and cons of me killing myself. Its just that I wish in my sleep someone would kill me. But I really wanna know if suicide is worth a shot, because I regret everything and I'm desperate( this isn't the whole thing sthst happened but its getting long that it)",jasmineazuu,10,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcxkhb/is_suicide_worth_it/,hi 15 year old currently pulled school due many reason clear mind thought may lead thing might regret later like share first story one would come ex 15 phase pls stop get attention etc wa young really paid attention whenever father mother would fought sister 2nd oldest would always ignore would get pissed thought wa norm thing got worse whole family fought sh tty thing father done started drinking godd mn cola went like drank cola father asked wa scared replied asked mother told father started shout forced eldest sister butt whole thing went father adultery abuse lead father pushing mother pushed sister fight father physically anything really shocked blamed whole ordeal took 5 month mend back family thought finally still problemsto face know stereotypical say asian parent filipino would always forced study never wanted wanted play kid care world mother way teaching really left toll cuz would hit whenever get wrong answer reply correct answer always 2nd honor roll said way back home pls drop grade would really embarassing friend wa jusy painful others may think overreacting wa still really painful tho still speak mind continued still wa getting bullied well reason year went wa already first year highschool prestige academy made friend respected little bump grade still felt really great one day one friend guy told hang tell malicious intent wa really stupid cornered touch boob said wa shocked refused wa really strong managed touched resorted attempted rape afte broke free cry running day tell anyone parent cried whole night proceeded go school bearing class finally mustered courage tell guidance councelor due got expelled word got thing got harassed even guy anything told bear entered 2nd year highschool started change became irritated hot mess disrespectful mom reason fight every morning another problem rosed mistress father contacted knew wa messing felt angry told guidance counselor know anymore told mom filed case dad mistress case got dropped said account iwas fake clearly know professional wa pretty obvious fake got even mad mom mind told must god plan christian really mother belief thing really went downhill eat think happy thought would think nothing everything useless even humanity wished could sleep die thing got even worse sister 2nd eldest whenever tell shes wrong would get mad whenever got mad would get made even tho wa wrong wa prideful say sorry still anyway thing got even hectic started hurt mom knew told angrily internet take anymore everything wrong like misfortune wanted kill went guidance counselor told mom everything pulled school appointed psychiatrist medicine wa much short wa painful make go insane reason even messed diet made eat mom stopped drinking pill withdrawal wa sh tty still get mad everything really want kill mean know still thinking pro con killing wish sleep someone would kill really wanna know suicide worth shot regret everything desperate whole thing sthst happened getting long,suicide worth,jasmine zu u,5279,20,jasmine zu u hi 15 year old currently pulled school due many reason clear mind thought may lead thing might regret later like share first story one would come ex 15 phase pls stop get attention etc wa young really paid attention whenever father mother would fought sister 2nd oldest would always ignore would get pissed thought wa norm thing got worse whole family fought sh tty thing father done started drinking godd mn cola went like drank cola father asked wa scared replied asked mother told father started shout forced eldest sister butt whole thing went father adultery abuse lead father pushing mother pushed sister fight father physically anything really shocked blamed whole ordeal took 5 month mend back family thought finally still problemsto face know stereotypical say asian parent filipino would always forced study never wanted wanted play kid care world mother way teaching really left toll cuz would hit whenever get wrong answer reply correct answer always 2nd honor roll said way back home pls drop grade would really embarassing friend wa jusy painful others may think overreacting wa still really painful tho still speak mind continued still wa getting bullied well reason year went wa already first year highschool prestige academy made friend respected little bump grade still felt really great one day one friend guy told hang tell malicious intent wa really stupid cornered touch boob said wa shocked refused wa really strong managed touched resorted attempted rape afte broke free cry running day tell anyone parent cried whole night proceeded go school bearing class finally mustered courage tell guidance councelor due got expelled word got thing got harassed even guy anything told bear entered 2nd year highschool started change became irritated hot mess disrespectful mom reason fight every morning another problem rosed mistress father contacted knew wa messing felt angry told guidance counselor know anymore told mom filed case dad mistress case got dropped said account iwas fake clearly know professional wa pretty obvious fake got even mad mom mind told must god plan christian really mother belief thing really went downhill eat think happy thought would think nothing everything useless even humanity wished could sleep die thing got even worse sister 2nd eldest whenever tell shes wrong would get mad whenever got mad would get made even tho wa wrong wa prideful say sorry still anyway thing got even hectic started hurt mom knew told angrily internet take anymore everything wrong like misfortune wanted kill went guidance counselor told mom everything pulled school appointed psychiatrist medicine wa much short wa painful make go insane reason even messed diet made eat mom stopped drinking pill withdrawal wa sh tty still get mad everything really want kill mean know still thinking pro con killing wish sleep someone would kill really wanna know suicide worth shot regret everything desperate whole thing sthst happened getting long suicide worth
how r ppl this clueless,"Today I got brave enough to tell my mom I’m not okay and that I need to go to the hospital. I told her last year that I tried to die when she found my suicide notebook and saw my SH marks on my arm. I haven’t been going to school and she sees me cry almost everyday. But when I told her she said “what made you think like that” and “you can’t think like that”. I said we need to go to the hospital idk what’s going to happen tonight. She said why would I go to the hospital and for what reason, like she doesn’t know. I told her never mind and she just moved on like it was nothing. Like her daughter is nothing. 

I also told my dad today, but all he could ass was “why would u feel the NEED to think like that” and asked me a bunch of questions as if it’s my fault I’m depressed and want to die. 

My friends know that I go through depressive moods and the first time they cared but by now, they don’t even bother to check up on me. 

I’ve been trying to get better by myself but I can’t do it. I stopped SH but that doesn’t make the thought go away. I’m just so tired and alone. 


If I die tonight, atleast I tried.",lolyababbbbbyyy,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3uu7/how_r_ppl_this_clueless/,today got brave enough tell mom okay need go hospital told last year tried die found suicide notebook saw sh mark arm going school see cry almost everyday told said made think like think like said need go hospital idk going happen tonight said would go hospital reason like know told never mind moved like wa nothing like daughter nothing also told dad today could wa would u feel need think like asked bunch question fault depressed want die friend know go depressive mood first time cared even bother check trying get better stopped sh make thought go away tired alone die tonight atleast tried,r ppl clueless,lol ya ba bbbb yy,1119,23,lol ya ba bbbb yy today got brave enough tell mom okay need go hospital told last year tried die found suicide notebook saw sh mark arm going school see cry almost everyday told said made think like think like said need go hospital idk going happen tonight said would go hospital reason like know told never mind moved like wa nothing like daughter nothing also told dad today could wa would u feel need think like asked bunch question fault depressed want die friend know go depressive mood first time cared even bother check trying get better stopped sh make thought go away tired alone die tonight atleast tried r ppl clueless
I've started writing notes,"Just one or two every day, but I'm going through the list of important people. Don't know if I'll go through with it, but if I do I'd rather have some small form of closure for those close to me.",DeathWithTwoMoods,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3ul9/ive_started_writing_notes/,one two every day going list important people know go rather small form closure close,started writing note,death two mood,195,26,death two mood one two every day going list important people know go rather small form closure close started writing note
Idk,I don’t know why but I’m just kinda sad and idk what to do Bc it’s not getting better and Idk if or how it ever will. I’m kinda just emotionless but I’m sad at the same time. Idk.,llannaolivia,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6ver/idk/,know kinda sad idk bc getting better idk ever kinda emotionless sad time idk,idk,anna olivia,179,3,anna olivia know kinda sad idk bc getting better idk ever kinda emotionless sad time idk idk
I don’t want to kill myself,"I don’t want to die this way, but i think i inevitably will, no one can save me from myself. Everyday takes so much effort to function mediocrely. I want to live but I don’t think I can change. It’s just a waiting game. I’m not depressed enough to want to act on my thoughts, I’m too scared and I care too much about the people around me. I just want to die and take everyone’s suffering with me. I want everyone to be happy because they deserve that. I wish there was a way I could sacrifice myself and make everyone better. I’ve had enough of suffering, I can’t bear to see it. I feel empathy so hard, because of the severe depressive episode I went through a few years ago. I can’t bear to imagine anyone experiencing that. It breaks my heart. I convinced myself not to die but I’ve never truly felt at peace, life for me is just exhausting attempts at constantly distracting myself from the depressive thoughts that I just can’t get rid off. I’ve learnt how to cope, but I’ve never been cured. One day when I feel the time is right, when I’ve distanced myself enough from my friends and when my parents have died, it would probably be the time I end my life.",Useful-Row,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3sqr/i_dont_want_to_kill_myself/,want die way think inevitably one save everyday take much effort function mediocrely want live think change waiting game depressed enough want act thought scared care much people around want die take everyone suffering want everyone happy deserve wish wa way could sacrifice make everyone better enough suffering bear see feel empathy hard severe depressive episode went year ago bear imagine anyone experiencing break heart convinced die never truly felt peace life exhausting attempt constantly distracting depressive thought get rid learnt cope never cured one day feel time right distanced enough friend parent died would probably time end life,want kill,useful row,1162,27,useful row want die way think inevitably one save everyday take much effort function mediocrely want live think change waiting game depressed enough want act thought scared care much people around want die take everyone suffering want everyone happy deserve wish wa way could sacrifice make everyone better enough suffering bear see feel empathy hard severe depressive episode went year ago bear imagine anyone experiencing break heart convinced die never truly felt peace life exhausting attempt constantly distracting depressive thought get rid learnt cope never cured one day feel time right distanced enough friend parent died would probably time end life want kill
NYC No point anymore,I have no one,fdny2515,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1tiu/nyc_no_point_anymore/,one,nyc point anymore,fd ny 2515,13,20,fd ny 2515 one nyc point anymore
i am going to commit suicide,"my life is worth nothing, yesterday my roommate raped me and now i'm scared of him, me and my bf broke up, it's just time to end this, if i end it now i won't feel like i have anything that i might as well finish, i have set the time, 6:30 tonight. is there any better way than a gun",satanslittlehelper13,27,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0b3g/i_am_going_to_commit_suicide/,life worth nothing yesterday roommate raped scared bf broke time end end feel like anything might well finish set time 6 30 tonight better way gun,going commit suicide,satan little helper 13,283,28,satan little helper 13 life worth nothing yesterday roommate raped scared bf broke time end end feel like anything might well finish set time 6 30 tonight better way gun going commit suicide
"life is so f'ed, doesn't matter how u look at it.","I never asked for any of this. our parents couldn't control their hormones and now I was born. Born in a poverty that I never asked for, born with shitty parents I never asked for, born with looks/body/health that I never asked for. All of these were not my choice. I had no say in this.

Now you enter adulthood, and ur suppose to work ur ass off to feed the society? Because my parents were poor, I must be a servant to rich people? Life is complete f'ing bs. I work to make corporate rich, I pay rent to make my landlord rich. I can't catch any breaks",stozvwh,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcui4s/life_is_so_fed_doesnt_matter_how_u_look_at_it/,never asked parent control hormone wa born born poverty never asked born shitty parent never asked born look body health never asked choice say enter adulthood ur suppose work ur feed society parent poor must servant rich people life complete f ing b work make corporate rich pay rent make landlord rich catch break,life f ed matter u look,st oz vw h,554,49,st oz vw h never asked parent control hormone wa born born poverty never asked born shitty parent never asked born look body health never asked choice say enter adulthood ur suppose work ur feed society parent poor must servant rich people life complete f ing b work make corporate rich pay rent make landlord rich catch break life f ed matter u look
idk anymore,I just feel so alone. nobody needs me anymore. I feel like I should just end it all,poopydazize,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6q2q/idk_anymore/,feel alone nobody need anymore feel like end,idk anymore,poop yd aziz e,83,11,poop yd aziz e feel alone nobody need anymore feel like end idk anymore
I need to stop breathing,I was getting better... until I ruined everything. Now everyone hates me. I have nobody to turn to until my therapy appointment on Saturday...it’s too far away...how am I supposed to show my face in school tomorrow when even my best friends hate me now? I’m failing chemistry. My teachers a pervert. I want to die soon. I’m done.,catattack003,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6p5d/i_need_to_stop_breathing/,wa getting better ruined everything everyone hate nobody turn therapy appointment saturday far away supposed show face school tomorrow even best friend hate failing chemistry teacher pervert want die soon done,need stop breathing,cat attack 003,329,24,cat attack 003 wa getting better ruined everything everyone hate nobody turn therapy appointment saturday far away supposed show face school tomorrow even best friend hate failing chemistry teacher pervert want die soon done need stop breathing
So,Am I supposed to just kill myself now or like. There is so many people here who just fucking talk and maybe it’s just I whom no shit gets done for but others.... oh shit even on the internet still get messages. Even you folk that claim to help fucking talk to me and just fucking dip on me. Hahahaha already cutting my wrists so fuck like honestly y’all wouldn’t find me till morning anyways.,grande__oso,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6lvu/so/,supposed kill like many people fucking talk maybe shit get done others oh shit even internet still get message even folk claim help fucking talk fucking dip hahahaha already cutting wrist fuck like honestly find till morning anyways,,grande oso,392,2,grande oso supposed kill like many people fucking talk maybe shit get done others oh shit even internet still get message even folk claim help fucking talk fucking dip hahahaha already cutting wrist fuck like honestly find till morning anyways 
i dont even know what to title this,"i think i saw myself in the tub five times this whole day so far and its only 4pm. i care for the people around me very deeply and just the thought of them being devastated when i leave makes me even more depressed. i deal with all of this all by myself as everybody does. i feel bad because everyone eventually leaves me after realizing how difficult my situation is and how draining it can be to deal with it. i guess you can say i’m a big ass burden.

i’m not the best worker. i’m incredibly lazy. not because i choose to have fun, but because i don’t feel good enough. my motivation to do anything is at a 0. another factor of why is i never know what i want to do. my upbringing wasn’t great and i was always constantly thrown off course from the things i really wanted to do to cater to people who didn’t care to see me happy. now i’m kinda doing my own shit without being asked, but it took me almost a year to learn how to think for myself. all thanks to my current partner though.

i’m starting to lose hope though. although i do have people i care for, i’m afraid of telling them how i feel beyond just “i’m depressed.” i know it makes the people around me really sad and sometimes suicidal themselves. so i stay quiet of the actual extent of how bad it can be. and because of my job, its hard to make friends. i can’t even tell people about what i do. do you know how lonely it gets? having to bottle everything up but too afraid to tell people how its just eating me up slowly. i was doing well for a second with my job and then last week, i spent the whole time all burnt out, crying nonstop just by myself. i but because of my condition and how it’s affecting me, i’m losing the one person who was able to get me to be productive and ignore my feelings. people are gonna comment and say “don’t ignore your feelings,” but i’m tired of having it impede my progress. and i know if they leave, i’ll go back to how i was; not doing anything and just laying all curled up in a ball just waiting for death to come naturally.

now i feel like i should just end it to avoid all of this. i’m too much of a burden. i just want them to be happy.

edit: my mom called me while i was writing this and now, i really wanna leave. just hearing her voice makes me so sad. so sad that she gave birth to someone like this.",smol-bby,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1fa1/i_dont_even_know_what_to_title_this/,think saw tub five time whole day far 4pm care people around deeply thought devastated leave make even depressed deal everybody doe feel bad everyone eventually leaf realizing difficult situation draining deal guess say big burden best worker incredibly lazy choose fun feel good enough motivation anything 0 another factor never know want upbringing great wa always constantly thrown course thing really wanted cater people care see happy kinda shit without asked took almost year learn think thanks current partner though starting lose hope though although people care afraid telling feel beyond depressed know make people around really sad sometimes suicidal stay quiet actual extent bad job hard make friend even tell people know lonely get bottle everything afraid tell people eating slowly wa well second job last week spent whole time burnt cry nonstop condition affecting losing one person wa able get productive ignore feeling people gonna comment say ignore feeling tired impede progress know leave go back wa anything laying curled ball waiting death come naturally feel like end avoid much burden want happy edit mom called wa writing really wanna leave hearing voice make sad sad gave birth someone like,dont even know title,mol b,2316,35,mol b think saw tub five time whole day far 4pm care people around deeply thought devastated leave make even depressed deal everybody doe feel bad everyone eventually leaf realizing difficult situation draining deal guess say big burden best worker incredibly lazy choose fun feel good enough motivation anything 0 another factor never know want upbringing great wa always constantly thrown course thing really wanted cater people care see happy kinda shit without asked took almost year learn think thanks current partner though starting lose hope though although people care afraid telling feel beyond depressed know make people around really sad sometimes suicidal stay quiet actual extent bad job hard make friend even tell people know lonely get bottle everything afraid tell people eating slowly wa well second job last week spent whole time burnt cry nonstop condition affecting losing one person wa able get productive ignore feeling people gonna comment say ignore feeling tired impede progress know leave go back wa anything laying curled ball waiting death come naturally feel like end avoid much burden want happy edit mom called wa writing really wanna leave hearing voice make sad sad gave birth someone like dont even know title
Sometimes I want a car to hit me.,"I just want a car to hit me and to die or be in a coma. I feel like a piece of shit. I don't want to take my life, because I don't want to hurt my family by not telling them how I feel. I cry in the shower sometimes so no one would ever hear me. I don't know what the hell makes me being sad, I just can't really be happy right now. I wanna cry, I feel like a piece of shit, I can't do things, I feel sad, I wanna die.

I want everything to stop. To fucking stop for 1 moment.
I want to be alone for 1 day so I would do what the fuck I want. I don't want to see anybody, or to talk to anybody. I just want to be somewhere so no one could reach to talk to me. I want everything to stop. Everything is happening too fast. I feel like I don't have time for anything and I feel tired all the time. If I sleep for 5 hours, I am tired; 7 hours, I am tired; 10 hours, I am tired; 13 hours, I am tired. Everything I do I am fucking tired.",yezzooke,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3edw/sometimes_i_want_a_car_to_hit_me/,want car hit die coma feel like piece shit want take life want hurt family telling feel cry shower sometimes one would ever hear know hell make sad really happy right wanna cry feel like piece shit thing feel sad wanna die want everything stop fucking stop 1 moment want alone 1 day would fuck want want see anybody talk anybody want somewhere one could reach talk want everything stop everything happening fast feel like time anything feel tired time sleep 5 hour tired 7 hour tired 10 hour tired 13 hour tired everything fucking tired,sometimes want car hit,ez zoo ke,930,33,ez zoo ke want car hit die coma feel like piece shit want take life want hurt family telling feel cry shower sometimes one would ever hear know hell make sad really happy right wanna cry feel like piece shit thing feel sad wanna die want everything stop fucking stop 1 moment want alone 1 day would fuck want want see anybody talk anybody want somewhere one could reach talk want everything stop everything happening fast feel like time anything feel tired time sleep 5 hour tired 7 hour tired 10 hour tired 13 hour tired everything fucking tired sometimes want car hit
Life wont stop kicking me when I'm doen,"I've been going through so much stress lately I regret not ending my life years ago. Everytime I look back now thinking, If i died back then today i wouldn't have to be going through this today... what do i do, how do i control this",throwaway_782954,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6gc7/life_wont_stop_kicking_me_when_im_doen/,going much stress lately regret ending life year ago everytime look back thinking died back today going today control,life wont stop kicking doen,throwaway 782954,232,39,throwaway 782954 going much stress lately regret ending life year ago everytime look back thinking died back today going today control life wont stop kicking doen
I'm been drinking.,I been thinking about religion. Like if you believe their is a God. Well he or she since God created man and women. Well God is the only super hero. I started to believe in a God since DINOSAURS. Even I try to pray to a God to take me back to 1994. Even my life is going no where. I have a mental illness called schizophrenia where the brain cognitive is dysfunctional. Hallucinations and hearing voices that arent their. Which makes me think solipsism. But hell im no God when I believe a God. Since I didnt create clouds trees or even DINOSAURS. I admit mental illness has no path of success. Even I want to give up to pray for a new one cause im getting old. If I could live forever I would cause dying isnt going to get better. It only gets better to a human that isnt God. Don't you think if their is a God that he or she would remember everything?,Slight-Device,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3bql/im_been_drinking/,thinking religion like believe god well since god created man woman well god super hero started believe god since dinosaur even try pray god take back 1994 even life going mental illness called schizophrenia brain cognitive dysfunctional hallucination hearing voice arent make think solipsism hell im god believe god since didnt create cloud tree even dinosaur admit mental illness ha path success even want give pray new one cause im getting old could live forever would cause dying isnt going get better get better human isnt god think god would remember everything,drinking,slight device,853,18,slight device thinking religion like believe god well since god created man woman well god super hero started believe god since dinosaur even try pray god take back 1994 even life going mental illness called schizophrenia brain cognitive dysfunctional hallucination hearing voice arent make think solipsism hell im god believe god since didnt create cloud tree even dinosaur admit mental illness ha path success even want give pray new one cause im getting old could live forever would cause dying isnt going get better get better human isnt god think god would remember everything drinking
Deadass crazy,Yo I thought I had enough. I've always had a noose in the woods for me to yeet myself with. So like I walked there. Sat there for like 6 minutes. Tried it. Didnt fully commit. And like I threw up. So yeah now my shirt has throw up on it and now instead of the police cleaning it I have to ffs,Kueii,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd6e0a/deadass_crazy/,yo thought enough always noose wood yeet like walked sat like 6 minute tried didnt fully commit like threw yeah shirt ha throw instead police cleaning ffs,deadass crazy,ku e ii,292,13,ku e ii yo thought enough always noose wood yeet like walked sat like 6 minute tried didnt fully commit like threw yeah shirt ha throw instead police cleaning ffs deadass crazy
Can't stop thinking about suicide and having suicidal behavior,"Hey people, I'm M17 and I struggle with depression for quit a long time. For a few months I thought everything would get better. But lately my mental health got worse and I'm really thinking about suicide very often (several times a day) . Nothing makes sense anymore and I feel like nobody, but one person, actually cares about me.  If she wouldn't encourage me everyday to not do it I already would have done it. My mind is forcing me into dangerous situations or is constantly thinking about it. 

Please, can anyone help me. I want this to end. 

I thought about picking up self harm again after I've been clean for nearly a month. Should I really do it?",lil_feind,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3av4/cant_stop_thinking_about_suicide_and_having/,hey people m17 struggle depression quit long time month thought everything would get better lately mental health got worse really thinking suicide often several time day nothing make sense anymore feel like nobody one person actually care encourage everyday already would done mind forcing dangerous situation constantly thinking please anyone help want end thought picking self harm clean nearly month really,stop thinking suicide suicidal behavior,lil fein,658,62,lil fein hey people m17 struggle depression quit long time month thought everything would get better lately mental health got worse really thinking suicide often several time day nothing make sense anymore feel like nobody one person actually care encourage everyday already would done mind forcing dangerous situation constantly thinking please anyone help want end thought picking self harm clean nearly month really stop thinking suicide suicidal behavior
I need so much help,I’m depressed and I don’t want to live anymore I always feel ignored I told my “crush” that I liked her and I got rejected and now the person I hate likes her I already made a plan to kill myself and I’m going to do it next week my family is sick in the head and there never close to me the all spread through out Canada I’m pretty sure I have a mental illness and it seems like my friend group is getting smaller and smaller by the hour I have nothing to live for and I life seems to get crazier and crazier by the day everyone around me seems so happy and it’s seems like I’m the only one suffering I need help major help if I go to counseling they will only tell me lies that I’m good enough even though that I’m nothing no one will miss me and this is my final call for help,afamousperson3,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcwry9/i_need_so_much_help/,depressed want live anymore always feel ignored told crush liked got rejected person hate like already made plan kill going next week family sick head never close spread canada pretty sure mental illness seems like friend group getting smaller smaller hour nothing live life seems get crazier crazier day everyone around seems happy seems like one suffering need help major help go counseling tell lie good enough even though nothing one miss final call help,need much help,famous person 3,778,19,famous person 3 depressed want live anymore always feel ignored told crush liked got rejected person hate like already made plan kill going next week family sick head never close spread canada pretty sure mental illness seems like friend group getting smaller smaller hour nothing live life seems get crazier crazier day everyone around seems happy seems like one suffering need help major help go counseling tell lie good enough even though nothing one miss final call help need much help
Blocked,They always block me or quit talking to me. I’m done. No one wants to fucking stick around SO WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I!? THIS PAGE THE INTERNET ITS ALL BULLSHIT AND A FRONT! FUCK YOU ALL I WISH YOU ALL BURN IF IM NOT THE ONE LIGHTING THE FUCKING MATCHES,grande__oso,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd67gv/blocked/,always block quit talking done one want fucking stick around fuck page internet bullshit front fuck wish burn im one lighting fucking match,blocked,grande oso,250,7,grande oso always block quit talking done one want fucking stick around fuck page internet bullshit front fuck wish burn im one lighting fucking match blocked
And I am fucking FED UP with people telling me it will get better,"It will get better for you, the person with more than a handful of friends worried for you and asking if you'll be okay, the person who actually has a significant other who you can always turn to, the person who has a community that accepts them and doesn't discriminate against them for their entire identity. The person who only has depression and not a literal learning disability that impacts how you interact with others, and they treat you horribly because of it. The person who's pretty or at least average looking but at least they don't have a disfigured face people avoid as soon as they see you.

If you're all of those. Or at least one. It'll always get better for you. And I am none of these!

So I don't want to hear ""life will get better"" because it fails to take account to the people who have nothing and who's been like this for years. That's me!! This is how it'll be for the rest of my life, no matter how hard I try to make it better nothing sticks. It always goes back to the status quo. Misery!

I'm so fucking done! I'm going to kill myself tonight, and there's literally nothing anyone can do that will stop me.",throwawaynumber29399,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2zvu/and_i_am_fucking_fed_up_with_people_telling_me_it/,get better person handful friend worried asking okay person actually ha significant always turn person ha community accepts discriminate entire identity person ha depression literal learning disability impact interact others treat horribly person pretty least average looking least disfigured face people avoid soon see least one always get better none want hear life get better fails take account people nothing like year rest life matter hard try make better nothing stick always go back status quo misery fucking done going kill tonight literally nothing anyone stop,fucking fed people telling get better,throwaway number 29399,1136,65,throwaway number 29399 get better person handful friend worried asking okay person actually ha significant always turn person ha community accepts discriminate entire identity person ha depression literal learning disability impact interact others treat horribly person pretty least average looking least disfigured face people avoid soon see least one always get better none want hear life get better fails take account people nothing like year rest life matter hard try make better nothing stick always go back status quo misery fucking done going kill tonight literally nothing anyone stop fucking fed people telling get better
What are you supposed to do when you have facts and evidence that your death would improve the lives of those you care about?,I'm scared and lost and I hate how I feel like this for weeks and then come out of it for a day or two then go back into it,17yrcub,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2uvi/what_are_you_supposed_to_do_when_you_have_facts/,scared lost hate feel like week come day two go back,supposed fact evidence death would improve life care,17 yr cub,123,125,17 yr cub scared lost hate feel like week come day two go back supposed fact evidence death would improve life care
How?,"I've already made my decision, but i need to know. How can i go about telling my best friend that I love her, just to make sure I've done everything i feel necessary? She's been the best thing to ever happen to me, and i want her to know that.",throwaway20777777777,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5uew/how/,already made decision need know go telling best friend love make sure done everything feel necessary best thing ever happen want know,,throwaway 20777777777,243,4,throwaway 20777777777 already made decision need know go telling best friend love make sure done everything feel necessary best thing ever happen want know 
I’m just done,"I can’t anymore, I’ve tried for about 5 year now. All I got was kicks and punches from life. I fail daily tasks and cannot control myself. I hurt my surrounding and hate myself the most. I am suffering so much, yet I can’t bring myself over to pull the trigger or cut with the knife. I’ve been going to therapy for a while but there’s nothing changed, no help either. I’m thinking about taking an overdose of meds, but I don’t know if it will work. If not I cannot live with the afterwards consequences I have to face. I cannot bear to live another single day either. 

I am just so done. 

If anyone I know sees this, thanks for nothing.
Thanks for thinking you’re trying, yet you just secretly watched me slowly dying. 

I hope humanity gets eradicated within the next decades.",Meowie42,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5q8e/im_just_done/,anymore tried 5 year got wa kick punch life fail daily task cannot control hurt surrounding hate suffering much yet bring pull trigger cut knife going therapy nothing changed help either thinking taking overdose med know work cannot live afterwards consequence face cannot bear live another single day either done anyone know see thanks nothing thanks thinking trying yet secretly watched slowly dying hope humanity get eradicated within next decade,done,meow ie 42,779,13,meow ie 42 anymore tried 5 year got wa kick punch life fail daily task cannot control hurt surrounding hate suffering much yet bring pull trigger cut knife going therapy nothing changed help either thinking taking overdose med know work cannot live afterwards consequence face cannot bear live another single day either done anyone know see thanks nothing thanks thinking trying yet secretly watched slowly dying hope humanity get eradicated within next decade done
Suicidology Banned?,"I used to frequent the sub from time to time, has it been banned? And why? It was one of the only places where people shared similar views on suicide without all the cringey “my life is so unfair blah blah” crap you see on this sub or r/depression.",teethingcats,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5pzq/suicidology_banned/,used frequent sub time time ha banned wa one place people shared similar view suicide without cringey life unfair blah blah crap see sub r depression,suicidology banned,teething cat,248,19,teething cat used frequent sub time time ha banned wa one place people shared similar view suicide without cringey life unfair blah blah crap see sub r depression suicidology banned
Nothing,"I've lost the fight.

I'm nothing at this point. A ball of emotions, barely fucking human. I've lost my motivation to go on. I'm not even pushing back against the destruction my brain wrecks. I'm not special, unique, important, smart, helpful, or human in any sense. I'm a selfish, lying bastard piece of shit. I'm insignificant, the background man. I'm not who I am. I'm a fake. A fake built up to conceal the blackness and horrible person I really am. I can't be happy ever again, everything I put on is just a mask to hide the nothingness. 

Nobody needs me. I don't have a life to take at this point. I'm numb, and I can't feel it anymore. I'm tired of waiting, fighting, disguising, and trying. I'm losing, and there's nothing I can do to win. 

There is no end. I doubt I find solace in anything.",River_KingK,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5j02/nothing/,lost fight nothing point ball emotion barely fucking human lost motivation go even pushing back destruction brain wreck special unique important smart helpful human sense selfish lying bastard piece shit insignificant background man fake fake built conceal blackness horrible person really happy ever everything put mask hide nothingness nobody need life take point numb feel anymore tired waiting fighting disguising trying losing nothing win end doubt find solace anything,nothing,river king k,802,7,river king k lost fight nothing point ball emotion barely fucking human lost motivation go even pushing back destruction brain wreck special unique important smart helpful human sense selfish lying bastard piece shit insignificant background man fake fake built conceal blackness horrible person really happy ever everything put mask hide nothingness nobody need life take point numb feel anymore tired waiting fighting disguising trying losing nothing win end doubt find solace anything nothing
Coronavirus,Perhaps Coronavirus is the answer! Although not sure that it will end my life as I am only 31years old! Odds against me:),king8918,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5h9e/coronavirus/,perhaps coronavirus answer although sure end life 31years old odds,coronavirus,king 8918,121,11,king 8918 perhaps coronavirus answer although sure end life 31years old odds coronavirus
I realy dont want to go on living anymore,"Hi,
Im 19.
I have absolutely nothing.
I lost the girl i loved.
Im addicted to weed and a dozen other substances (whatever i have and makes me sleep a night).
Im in huge debt.
I don’t have a job.
I don’t have any degrees and no future.
Im the black sheep of the family and they’d rather wish i wasn’t born.
I live in my own cuz my mom and dad kick me out. They are divorced so yes i was kick out twice. 
I try to be a nice guy but every one hates me and so do i. 

I don’t want to go on but i just cant get myself to do it.

Anyone feel the same?",pimio1122,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2947/i_realy_dont_want_to_go_on_living_anymore/,hi im 19 absolutely nothing lost girl loved im addicted weed dozen substance whatever make sleep night im huge debt job degree future im black sheep family rather wish born live cuz mom dad kick divorced yes wa kick twice try nice guy every one hate want go cant get anyone feel,realy dont want go living anymore,pi mio 1122,545,41,pi mio 1122 hi im 19 absolutely nothing lost girl loved im addicted weed dozen substance whatever make sleep night im huge debt job degree future im black sheep family rather wish born live cuz mom dad kick divorced yes wa kick twice try nice guy every one hate want go cant get anyone feel realy dont want go living anymore
i just cant,I feel like I am at my wit's end. I have been looking for a job for almost three months now and have been unsuccessful. I struggling to pay my car and insurance and just regular bills. I am in school and living in a bad environment. I am trying so hard applying and going on interview after interview and nothing is working. I dont want to do this anymore I dont want life anymore. I dont want to live I feel like I can breathe I feel like theres no point. I feel like I am drowning. I want to just stop waking up,Cvd1183,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5dde/i_just_cant/,feel like wit end looking job almost three month unsuccessful struggling pay car insurance regular bill school living bad environment trying hard applying going interview interview nothing working dont want anymore dont want life anymore dont want live feel like breathe feel like point feel like drowning want stop waking,cant,cv 1183,513,11,cv 1183 feel like wit end looking job almost three month unsuccessful struggling pay car insurance regular bill school living bad environment trying hard applying going interview interview nothing working dont want anymore dont want life anymore dont want live feel like breathe feel like point feel like drowning want stop waking cant
I want to genuinely kill myself after this incident. How will I ever recover.,"I know. This makes me sound like a HORRIBLE PERSON. I meant to send the text to my brother about my friend but I checked the sender (after I got all my aggression and sadness/anger/frustration out through text) and it turns out the recipient wasn’t my brother...it was my friend. I feel like my world is going to end. I quickly deleted it all as fast as I could, but she had still seen it all...or most of it, and that is enough. Me and this girl have been friend for my whole life. I am 16 and she is 17. As soon as I realized that I made a huge mistake, I started shaking frantically and my heart almost beat out of my chest. The more I look at this situation, the less my friend is in the wrong, and the more I am in the wrong. After this incident happened with me frantically typing away and sending horrible texts about her in front of her face, I couldn’t even say anything. I was mortified. I I sent the texts (it turned out she had already seen them at this point) and simply walked away. I didn’t know what to say. I seriously just took out all of my aggression on one of my best friends, over text, in front of her. And won’t get into what the texts said too much, but basically they were saying: “ she always thinks she’s better than me, and always makes me feel bad” and so forth. And guess what...I started the whole schpiel off by typing: “ *blank* is so annoying. I got so scared and angry at myself afterwards that I threw up in the bathroom and cut my wrist. I deserved it. I went home early , to filled with guilt and too ashamed to continue on throughout the day, and now here I lye, writing this on reddit in my bed, hoping someone could share some advice. Also, I already tried messaging her saying, : “I know you saw what I sent you...and I’m so sorry” and so forth. In these texts of me apologizing, I wrote how some of the things i said about her were true, and tht I was really sad latley and depressed(I never talk about things like this with her, EVER because I’ve seen how she handles those types of situations....she simply cuts people off if they are feeling suicidal or sad. I feel awful and I wish I could turn back time to not send those texts, because now I fear I’ve lost my longest best friend for good, only at the age of 16. Please, somebody help me.",catattack003,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5cy5/i_want_to_genuinely_kill_myself_after_this/,know make sound like horrible person meant send text brother friend checked sender got aggression sadness anger frustration text turn recipient brother wa friend feel like world going end quickly deleted fast could still seen enough girl friend whole life 16 17 soon realized made huge mistake started shaking frantically heart almost beat chest look situation le friend wrong wrong incident happened frantically typing away sending horrible text front face even say anything wa mortified sent text turned already seen point simply walked away know say seriously took aggression one best friend text front get text said much basically saying always think better always make feel bad forth guess started whole schpiel typing blank annoying got scared angry afterwards threw bathroom cut wrist deserved went home early filled guilt ashamed continue throughout day lye writing reddit bed hoping someone could share advice also already tried messaging saying know saw sent sorry forth text apologizing wrote thing said true tht wa really sad latley depressed never talk thing like ever seen handle type situation simply cut people feeling suicidal sad feel awful wish could turn back time send text fear lost longest best friend good age 16 please somebody help,want genuinely kill incident ever recover,cat attack 003,2288,77,cat attack 003 know make sound like horrible person meant send text brother friend checked sender got aggression sadness anger frustration text turn recipient brother wa friend feel like world going end quickly deleted fast could still seen enough girl friend whole life 16 17 soon realized made huge mistake started shaking frantically heart almost beat chest look situation le friend wrong wrong incident happened frantically typing away sending horrible text front face even say anything wa mortified sent text turned already seen point simply walked away know say seriously took aggression one best friend text front get text said much basically saying always think better always make feel bad forth guess started whole schpiel typing blank annoying got scared angry afterwards threw bathroom cut wrist deserved went home early filled guilt ashamed continue throughout day lye writing reddit bed hoping someone could share advice also already tried messaging saying know saw sent sorry forth text apologizing wrote thing said true tht wa really sad latley depressed never talk thing like ever seen handle type situation simply cut people feeling suicidal sad feel awful wish could turn back time send text fear lost longest best friend good age 16 please somebody help want genuinely kill incident ever recover
Suicide by Electricity,I‘m considering suicide methods now and I was wondering if electrocution is good option. Is 220 Volts enough to kill an adult?,Kafalitik,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd249p/suicide_by_electricity/,considering suicide method wa wondering electrocution good option 220 volt enough kill adult,suicide electricity,ka fal ik,126,22,ka fal ik considering suicide method wa wondering electrocution good option 220 volt enough kill adult suicide electricity
am I suicidal?,"hi. I'm not sure if this is one of those things where if you have to ask it then there is a definite answer, but I'm not sure if what I experience is truly suicidal thoughts.

when I don't feel sad I become very thankful and when I try to express to God thanks for what he has given me, I feel guilty for spending my time self harming or being self destructive. I feel I'll never be able to truly convey how thankful I am for what he's given me and I'm back to square one, just wishing I was never born so I wouldn't have these thoughts and emotions.

I don't really care about anything and many of my thoughts are just wishing I could disappear or wishing I was ""less"" in every possible way. I want to not be alive so I don't feel the emotions I feel. I do not often contemplate different ways to kill myself, it is moreso just wishing I wasn't born in the first place or hoping someday something else will happen to me that makes this decision for me.

the majority of my thoughts are wishing I was dead or never born, and even when I'm happy I just wish I could stop feeling and the answer to that to me is death. is the way I'm feeling considered suicidal?

thank you for reading. any comment will be appreciated and answered.",whisperingtracetatum,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd5b28/am_i_suicidal/,hi sure one thing ask definite answer sure experience truly suicidal thought feel sad become thankful try express god thanks ha given feel guilty spending time self harming self destructive feel never able truly convey thankful given back square one wishing wa never born thought emotion really care anything many thought wishing could disappear wishing wa le every possible way want alive feel emotion feel often contemplate different way kill moreso wishing born first place hoping someday something else happen make decision majority thought wishing wa dead never born even happy wish could stop feeling answer death way feeling considered suicidal thank reading comment appreciated answered,suicidal,whispering trace tatum,1230,14,whispering trace tatum hi sure one thing ask definite answer sure experience truly suicidal thought feel sad become thankful try express god thanks ha given feel guilty spending time self harming self destructive feel never able truly convey thankful given back square one wishing wa never born thought emotion really care anything many thought wishing could disappear wishing wa le every possible way want alive feel emotion feel often contemplate different way kill moreso wishing born first place hoping someday something else happen make decision majority thought wishing wa dead never born even happy wish could stop feeling answer death way feeling considered suicidal thank reading comment appreciated answered suicidal
"Been waiting for my chance and it's finally arrived. I honestly feel weirdly excited about the prospect of suicide, does anyone else get that?","I've wanted to die for somewhere between 11 and 9 years now, have unsuccessfully attempted suicide at least 5 times, but I honestly cannot remember them all, and have been self harming for about 2 years now. What has kept me alive was the safety net of my parents, they were willing to house, feed and clothe me in my darkest moments, causing me to be juuuuuuuuust comfortable enough to not kill myself, but finally I'M MOVING OUT!!!! I've been on the waiting list for a home for about 3 months now and finally they've found me one, so tomorrow I get the chance to go and see it and pick up the keys. After a few days alone I'm sure I'll be desperate enough to properly follow through with suicide and I seriously can't wait. Has anyone else ever felt giddy about the prospect of killing themselves?

Also, I'm currently stuck with my parents and god it's frustrating to want to scream and shout that FINALLY I GET TO DIE!!!!! but they're sensitive bitch asses would try to stop be so I have to bite my tongue constantly and man is it hard.",Hyndergogen1,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd21rj/been_waiting_for_my_chance_and_its_finally/,wanted die somewhere 11 9 year unsuccessfully attempted suicide least 5 time honestly cannot remember self harming 2 year ha kept alive wa safety net parent willing house feed clothe darkest moment causing juuuuuuuuust comfortable enough kill finally moving waiting list home 3 month finally found one tomorrow get chance go see pick key day alone sure desperate enough properly follow suicide seriously wait ha anyone else ever felt giddy prospect killing also currently stuck parent god frustrating want scream shout finally get die sensitive bitch ass would try stop bite tongue constantly man hard,waiting chance finally arrived honestly feel weirdly excited prospect suicide doe anyone else get,hynde r go gen 1,1040,142,hynde r go gen 1 wanted die somewhere 11 9 year unsuccessfully attempted suicide least 5 time honestly cannot remember self harming 2 year ha kept alive wa safety net parent willing house feed clothe darkest moment causing juuuuuuuuust comfortable enough kill finally moving waiting list home 3 month finally found one tomorrow get chance go see pick key day alone sure desperate enough properly follow suicide seriously wait ha anyone else ever felt giddy prospect killing also currently stuck parent god frustrating want scream shout finally get die sensitive bitch ass would try stop bite tongue constantly man hard waiting chance finally arrived honestly feel weirdly excited prospect suicide doe anyone else get
"Urgent: took 10,400mg of ibuprofen","I have Borderline Personality disorder, and during an episode, I counted out and took 52 pills of 200mg ibuprofen. Should I be worried?",Nightmareshella,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd597b/urgent_took_10400mg_of_ibuprofen/,borderline personality disorder episode counted took 52 pill 200mg ibuprofen worried,urgent took 10 400mg ibuprofen,nightmare shell,135,34,nightmare shell borderline personality disorder episode counted took 52 pill 200mg ibuprofen worried urgent took 10 400mg ibuprofen
GF is going to kill herself. I need help,"My gf is upset because of her gpa, weight, job prospects, finances and is very depressed and she’s telling me I’m going to find her dead one day. I’ve tried talking to her and it’s not helping and I don’t know what to do. I don’t think she has a plan but I’m not sure if she would tell me. I can’t live without her please I need advice",mad_researcher,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd58bu/gf_is_going_to_kill_herself_i_need_help/,gf upset gpa weight job prospect finance depressed telling going find dead one day tried talking helping know think ha plan sure would tell live without please need advice,gf going kill need help,mad researcher,335,40,mad researcher gf upset gpa weight job prospect finance depressed telling going find dead one day tried talking helping know think ha plan sure would tell live without please need advice gf going kill need help
21 gonna commit suicide at 30.,"21, M, in college. Homeless in college. I feel so sad, so mad, it's all really bad. I feel as if there's nothing to really do. I feel stressed all the time. The only thing that keeps me going is music. I sing and play guitar and write songs everyday and post a new album about every month. Currently learning how to mix and record music on my own. That's the only thing that makes me happy. Just going to continue writing and recording songs until I'm 30, then end it all. By then I'll hopefully sound really nice with all those years of practice. I've thought of this idea two weeks ago, and I feel a bit better. Don't worry as much, since I know it'll all end soon.",YesImRickyBobby,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1z02/21_gonna_commit_suicide_at_30/,21 college homeless college feel sad mad really bad feel nothing really feel stressed time thing keep going music sing play guitar write song everyday post new album every month currently learning mix record music thing make happy going continue writing recording song 30 end hopefully sound really nice year practice thought idea two week ago feel bit better worry much since know end soon,21 gonna commit suicide 30,yes im ricky bobby,667,30,yes im ricky bobby 21 college homeless college feel sad mad really bad feel nothing really feel stressed time thing keep going music sing play guitar write song everyday post new album every month currently learning mix record music thing make happy going continue writing recording song 30 end hopefully sound really nice year practice thought idea two week ago feel bit better worry much since know end soon 21 gonna commit suicide 30
"3rd times the charm i guess, mabye i`ll have the guts to end it tonight","well here again for the 3rd time in only a few days apart form every post, normally id make alts for each post, but at this point i dont care if people see how truly low i am. 

its been a very long rode these last 5 years of my life, i thought i was doing better i really did, but sombody can only fight for so long, and im so tierd of fighting to keep myself alive and im so tierd, my heart is heavy at what i have to do, i regret all the pain i will cause, but i dont see any other way out, ive been here more times then i can count. 

i will never be me, not truly, nature saw to that, its a cruel thing what i am, to feel and associate with something im not even close to being, the pain of not being it, if i ever had a choise i would never feel this pain from it, but it never was my choise this pain of not being the woman i feel i am inside that burden came to me, i no longer know how or what i am, all i know is that im defective, thats how i see myself at least.

i`ll be sad to see it all gone, and i wish i had the strength to stay, but i no longer do, thats the complete truth


i was never cut out for living, takes to much effort for me to even live, my parents had at least one child that wasent a complete fuck up, at least my older brother didnt fail.

goodbye everyone, thank you to everyone that tried to convince me to stay in my previous posts, and im sorry to those how i let down on this day, know that i appreciate your effort  even if it was wasted on me 


goodbye",at_deaths_door_step,17,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fczsq4/3rd_times_the_charm_i_guess_mabye_ill_have_the/,well 3rd time day apart form every post normally id make alt post point dont care people see truly low long rode last 5 year life thought wa better really sombody fight long im tierd fighting keep alive im tierd heart heavy regret pain cause dont see way ive time count never truly nature saw cruel thing feel associate something im even close pain ever choise would never feel pain never wa choise pain woman feel inside burden came longer know know im defective thats see least sad see gone wish strength stay longer thats complete truth wa never cut living take much effort even live parent least one child wasent complete fuck least older brother didnt fail goodbye everyone thank everyone tried convince stay previous post im sorry let day know appreciate effort even wa wasted goodbye,3rd time charm guess mabye gut end tonight,death door step,1493,71,death door step well 3rd time day apart form every post normally id make alt post point dont care people see truly low long rode last 5 year life thought wa better really sombody fight long im tierd fighting keep alive im tierd heart heavy regret pain cause dont see way ive time count never truly nature saw cruel thing feel associate something im even close pain ever choise would never feel pain never wa choise pain woman feel inside burden came longer know know im defective thats see least sad see gone wish strength stay longer thats complete truth wa never cut living take much effort even live parent least one child wasent complete fuck least older brother didnt fail goodbye everyone thank everyone tried convince stay previous post im sorry let day know appreciate effort even wa wasted goodbye 3rd time charm guess mabye gut end tonight
I don't want to expose people to my problems anymore,"I know we use the word ""burden"" a lot. I do it too. There's more to it than that. I have family members who have been affected by my problems. If I go away, it will hurt them, but one last time instead of multiple episodes. That's it in a nutshell.   
Most people don't want me around. I'm not desirable in any way. I'm not exciting. What I have to offer other people, like kindness, love, compassion, are outdated concepts. They don't want these things and they can't give them in return. I don't belong anywhere so I'd be better off going to nowhere.",BamaSOH,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcx512/i_dont_want_to_expose_people_to_my_problems/,know use word burden lot family member affected problem go away hurt one last time instead multiple episode nutshell people want around desirable way exciting offer people like kindness love compassion outdated concept want thing give return belong anywhere better going nowhere,want expose people problem anymore,bam oh,552,52,bam oh know use word burden lot family member affected problem go away hurt one last time instead multiple episode nutshell people want around desirable way exciting offer people like kindness love compassion outdated concept want thing give return belong anywhere better going nowhere want expose people problem anymore
The man I want to spend my life with plans on committing suicide in a few months,"Objectively, I say I'm pro-choice, but I just can't be with him. I want him and need him here. 

I'm already suicidal myself outside of this situation. I'm being selfish, but I don't know how I'll survive this. I can't see a future without him, and I know there will be a hole in my heart for the rest of my life that I'm not ready for.  

He's in a bad situation and I can't fix any of it. He's says he's ready to go. I know my feelings just put more stress on him, so I try to avoid talking about them as much as I'd like to. We're long distance so I can't even touch him. He's been pushing me away for awhile now and it hurts so much. 

I'm also struggling morally with allowing him to go through with it. 

I won't have anyone to lean on because you can't talk to people about allowing someone to suicide. I think my one friend who knows about the situation will think I'm a bad person for not getting the authorities involved. 

Please help. I'm bursting at the seams. I'm not functioning.",toebeansfordinner,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd54bk/the_man_i_want_to_spend_my_life_with_plans_on/,objectively say pro choice want need already suicidal outside situation selfish know survive see future without know hole heart rest life ready bad situation fix say ready go know feeling put stress try avoid talking much like long distance even touch pushing away awhile hurt much also struggling morally allowing go anyone lean talk people allowing someone suicide think one friend know situation think bad person getting authority involved please help bursting seam functioning,man want spend life plan committing suicide month,toe bean dinner,994,80,toe bean dinner objectively say pro choice want need already suicidal outside situation selfish know survive see future without know hole heart rest life ready bad situation fix say ready go know feeling put stress try avoid talking much like long distance even touch pushing away awhile hurt much also struggling morally allowing go anyone lean talk people allowing someone suicide think one friend know situation think bad person getting authority involved please help bursting seam functioning man want spend life plan committing suicide month
Its all too much,"My life doesn't really mean anything. I just go to school, and try to force myself into social situations and fail at meeting anyone.

I've never had a girlfriend. I don't have any friends. I can't take it much longer.

Everything is just awful. I don't want this anymore",blargahargh,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1tx1/its_all_too_much/,life really mean anything go school try force social situation fail meeting anyone never girlfriend friend take much longer everything awful want anymore,much,b larga h argh,271,16,b larga h argh life really mean anything go school try force social situation fail meeting anyone never girlfriend friend take much longer everything awful want anymore much
Do you trust yourself around medications?,"Throwaway account for obvious reasons. 
About two weeks ago my mom took all my meds away, u know , just in case. 

Recently I’ve been feeling better, and I asked for them back. but I can’t help but feel weird about it. Like , I don’t trust myself enough to have them next to me? 

Does that sound weird? Does anyone else know what I mean? do you guys trust yourselves ?",politicalthrowaway78,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd51uv/do_you_trust_yourself_around_medications/,throwaway account obvious reason two week ago mom took med away u know case recently feeling better asked back help feel weird like trust enough next doe sound weird doe anyone else know mean guy trust,trust around medication,political throwaway 78,369,41,political throwaway 78 throwaway account obvious reason two week ago mom took med away u know case recently feeling better asked back help feel weird like trust enough next doe sound weird doe anyone else know mean guy trust trust around medication
I’m hesitant to post because I don’t think my thoughts/fears/etc are worthy of anyone’s time.,"Feel free to downvote me into oblivion or to just move on. 

I just can’t do it myself. I want to die. In fact, I can’t actually envision a future for myself. The way some people see themselves getting married, having a career they love, having children, etc., I just don’t see that for myself. Instead, I only see myself dead. Sadly, I don’t have the strength or fortitude to end my own life. I have a plan for ending it all, but I just don’t think I could actually follow through with it. 

I have a fear of commitment, and committing to that decision is something I just can’t do. Several times everyday, I daydream about someone walking up to me and killing me. If someone else did it for me, it would make things so much better. Ironically, this makes me want to self harm, but self harming itself has left me with scars that make me feel worse about myself which, in turn, makes me want to end my life or self harm more. Despite what a lot of people say (or will say), I just don’t think there is a reason for me to continue living.",aschwab9009,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvc39/im_hesitant_to_post_because_i_dont_think_my/,feel free downvote oblivion move want die fact actually envision future way people see getting married career love child etc see instead see dead sadly strength fortitude end life plan ending think could actually follow fear commitment committing decision something several time everyday daydream someone walking killing someone else would make thing much better ironically make want self harm self harming ha left scar make feel worse turn make want end life self harm despite lot people say say think reason continue living,hesitant post think thought fear etc worthy anyone time,schwa b 9009,1038,93,schwa b 9009 feel free downvote oblivion move want die fact actually envision future way people see getting married career love child etc see instead see dead sadly strength fortitude end life plan ending think could actually follow fear commitment committing decision something several time everyday daydream someone walking killing someone else would make thing much better ironically make want self harm self harming ha left scar make feel worse turn make want end life self harm despite lot people say say think reason continue living hesitant post think thought fear etc worthy anyone time
Does anybody else dress like a homeless person cause they stopped caring about their appearance?,emptypost,ajlaba,124,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcayh7/does_anybody_else_dress_like_a_homeless_person/,emptypost,doe anybody else dress like homeless person cause stopped caring appearance,j lab,9,96,j lab emptypost doe anybody else dress like homeless person cause stopped caring appearance
Tonight is the night and I hate myself for it,"I am in the worst situation I have ever been in as I am about to become homeless. I returned to the UK after living abroad 5 months ago and things seemed promising at first however things went downhill pretty quickly. Finding a job has been a nightmare - i have decent experience and have had a lot of interviews but everywhere either ghosts me or rejects me. I get rejected a lot because I ""dont show I want the job enough"" but years of BPD and depression mean I find it incredibly hard to show my emotions. One company rejected me for this reason after 4 rounds of interviews!

On top of that, I was with a gambling addict a few years ago who made my life hell and created all kinds of debt for me (signing up to websites with my details, getting loans out in my name). Completely my fault for sticking with him so long but he has left me with £12,000 approx worth of debt so of course I am being chased on those debts too. I am also not entitled to any benefits. 

So finally I have ran out of money and am 2 months behind on rent, I let my rental company know today and was pretty honest about my circumstances (I said it was because of redundancy as it's less embarrassing). We agreed I will move out this week, not that I was expecting any sympathy but the lady at the rental company was a dick. So now I am homeless - I am not pregnant or super young or super old or anything like that so the chances of me getting any help are pretty much zilch. 

I am leaving behind the most amazing boyfriend that I never thought I would find and that's why there is so much guilt. I think deep down I am leaving this message in the hope one day he sees it and knows there is nothing he could have done. I have tried talking to him about this but he thinks I am just having a BPD episode and am exaggerating. There is no way he can help anyway he certainly couldn't help me financially (nor would I expect him to!) and he lives in the same house so staying with him isn't an option. 

My main wish is that him and my friends will be OK eventually and will understand that I am in a much better place!",ctbpduk,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcxxst/tonight_is_the_night_and_i_hate_myself_for_it/,worst situation ever become homeless returned uk living abroad 5 month ago thing seemed promising first however thing went downhill pretty quickly finding job ha nightmare decent experience lot interview everywhere either ghost reject get rejected lot dont show want job enough year bpd depression mean find incredibly hard show emotion one company rejected reason 4 round interview top wa gambling addict year ago made life hell created kind debt signing website detail getting loan name completely fault sticking long ha left 12 000 approx worth debt course chased debt also entitled benefit finally ran money 2 month behind rent let rental company know today wa pretty honest circumstance said wa redundancy le embarrassing agreed move week wa expecting sympathy lady rental company wa dick homeless pregnant super young super old anything like chance getting help pretty much zilch leaving behind amazing boyfriend never thought would find much guilt think deep leaving message hope one day see know nothing could done tried talking think bpd episode exaggerating way help anyway certainly help financially would expect life house staying option main wish friend ok eventually understand much better place,tonight night hate,ct bpd uk,2094,45,ct bpd uk worst situation ever become homeless returned uk living abroad 5 month ago thing seemed promising first however thing went downhill pretty quickly finding job ha nightmare decent experience lot interview everywhere either ghost reject get rejected lot dont show want job enough year bpd depression mean find incredibly hard show emotion one company rejected reason 4 round interview top wa gambling addict year ago made life hell created kind debt signing website detail getting loan name completely fault sticking long ha left 12 000 approx worth debt course chased debt also entitled benefit finally ran money 2 month behind rent let rental company know today wa pretty honest circumstance said wa redundancy le embarrassing agreed move week wa expecting sympathy lady rental company wa dick homeless pregnant super young super old anything like chance getting help pretty much zilch leaving behind amazing boyfriend never thought would find much guilt think deep leaving message hope one day see know nothing could done tried talking think bpd episode exaggerating way help anyway certainly help financially would expect life house staying option main wish friend ok eventually understand much better place tonight night hate
You know what i might aswell end it all im absolutely done,"I have noone left not a single soul everybody texts calls md when they need something from me even then they dont ask how am i how am i doing they direct go to the stuff they need... I want to end it and ill prolly do it soon and as soon as i get the balls... If i never texted anybody or posted or anything ppl wouldnt know im alive.. Thats how it will be if i die nobody will know now ik its not bout that but isint it sad that even when you die u dont have anybody close enough to noticed... Im not worth anything idk why i was born i spent most of my life in hospitals anyway.. Never had nobody close to me i mean why would anybody be close w me... I had to pay money to fuck a whore thats an ugly way to put it but i didnt know how else to say it.. Eh why am i even writing here itll just ger burried in the posts... Ppl have it worse than me anyway.. Bye hope yall stay happy cause ill be happy once i leave this hell of a earth
.",Guxxi12,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1idj/you_know_what_i_might_aswell_end_it_all_im/,noone left single soul everybody text call md need something even dont ask direct go stuff need want end ill prolly soon soon get ball never texted anybody posted anything ppl wouldnt know im alive thats die nobody know ik bout isint sad even die u dont anybody close enough noticed im worth anything idk wa born spent life hospital anyway never nobody close mean would anybody close w pay money fuck whore thats ugly way put didnt know else say eh even writing itll ger burried post ppl worse anyway bye hope yall stay happy cause ill happy leave hell earth,know might aswell end im absolutely done,gu xxi 12,936,58,gu xxi 12 noone left single soul everybody text call md need something even dont ask direct go stuff need want end ill prolly soon soon get ball never texted anybody posted anything ppl wouldnt know im alive thats die nobody know ik bout isint sad even die u dont anybody close enough noticed im worth anything idk wa born spent life hospital anyway never nobody close mean would anybody close w pay money fuck whore thats ugly way put didnt know else say eh even writing itll ger burried post ppl worse anyway bye hope yall stay happy cause ill happy leave hell earth know might aswell end im absolutely done
How can I improve if no one takes me seriously?,"I'm 18 I want to commit suicide but I'm not brave enough I don't want to tell my parents or friends but they said I've been acting weird plus I haven't gone to class in a month and my parents know it yet my dad decides to say that I'm like this because of videogames, yesterday I smashed my phone into pieces because he called me just to blame me for that. I'm so lost I want to cry and share my shit with someone close but that person just don't exist",Xirox07,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1fky/how_can_i_improve_if_no_one_takes_me_seriously/,18 want commit suicide brave enough want tell parent friend said acting weird plus gone class month parent know yet dad decides say like videogames yesterday smashed phone piece called blame lost want cry share shit someone close person exist,improve one take seriously,xi rox 07,452,47,xi rox 07 18 want commit suicide brave enough want tell parent friend said acting weird plus gone class month parent know yet dad decides say like videogames yesterday smashed phone piece called blame lost want cry share shit someone close person exist improve one take seriously
you mean more than you know,"ive been clean from heroine for 2 weeks, and even since the unbearable pain of withdrawals have passed, the mental emptiness has not, and might not for a very long time. like many of you, i still think about ending my life every day. 

2 days ago, i was out on my porch, writing a suicide note. seemingly, getting the last rays of sunshine i would ever feel. I was content with that. Then, I heard my phone ringing. Who the hell is calling me on my last day here. 

My best friends twin sister had been diagnosed with Leukemia. Think about your BEST friend, and how their pain, is often yours, as well. I mean, why wasn't I already on my way to grab my car keys and see him and his family? 

After a few grief-stricken hours spent with them, I headed back home. Then, I realized; for a whole two hours, did I really just forget about fucking killing myself?

The one thing that took me out of my thoughts of death were simply thoughts about someone else. And it helped me realize why I ended things with heroine, and not with my life. 

I'm not one to know whether it is healthy or not to love someone more than you love yourself. All I know, is that a phone call from my best friend stopped me from killing myself. The circumstances of why he called me reminded me of the importance of me still being alive. Anyone who has experienced something like this, I encourage you to not see these instances as coincidences, but as testaments to the fact that you are meant to still be alive.

I don't really know how to wrap this up. I just hope you all know how much you really matter. Because now, I remember how much I matter. I know this won't help everybody, but I hope it will help somebody. 

""killing yourself doesn't put an end to the pain, it passes it onto someone else""",ImInFalconia,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1eo8/you_mean_more_than_you_know/,ive clean heroine 2 week even since unbearable pain withdrawal passed mental emptiness ha might long time like many still think ending life every day 2 day ago wa porch writing suicide note seemingly getting last ray sunshine would ever feel wa content heard phone ringing hell calling last day best friend twin sister diagnosed leukemia think best friend pain often well mean already way grab car key see family grief stricken hour spent headed back home realized whole two hour really forget fucking killing one thing took thought death simply thought someone else helped realize ended thing heroine life one know whether healthy love someone love know phone call best friend stopped killing circumstance called reminded importance still alive anyone ha experienced something like encourage see instance coincidence testament fact meant still alive really know wrap hope know much really matter remember much matter know help everybody hope help somebody killing put end pain pass onto someone else,mean know,im falcon,1774,27,im falcon ive clean heroine 2 week even since unbearable pain withdrawal passed mental emptiness ha might long time like many still think ending life every day 2 day ago wa porch writing suicide note seemingly getting last ray sunshine would ever feel wa content heard phone ringing hell calling last day best friend twin sister diagnosed leukemia think best friend pain often well mean already way grab car key see family grief stricken hour spent headed back home realized whole two hour really forget fucking killing one thing took thought death simply thought someone else helped realize ended thing heroine life one know whether healthy love someone love know phone call best friend stopped killing circumstance called reminded importance still alive anyone ha experienced something like encourage see instance coincidence testament fact meant still alive really know wrap hope know much really matter remember much matter know help everybody hope help somebody killing put end pain pass onto someone else mean know
emptiest,"i don’t think i’ve felt this bad in years

i don’t remember feeling so hopeless. maybe in the epicentre of a heartbreak, but not at night, so quietly, for so many hours. 

i am empty, and dead. i want to drown myself to cherry wine by hozier and i never ever want to be found.",acrsita,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4nwo/emptiest/,think felt bad year remember feeling hopeless maybe epicentre heartbreak night quietly many hour empty dead want drown cherry wine hozier never ever want found,emptiest,cr,276,8,cr think felt bad year remember feeling hopeless maybe epicentre heartbreak night quietly many hour empty dead want drown cherry wine hozier never ever want found emptiest
My teacher expects way to much out of me and gives me multiple assignments To do in a short amount of time. I’m thinking of ending it all,Title says it all,fishdudeman69,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd4nqh/my_teacher_expects_way_to_much_out_of_me_and/,title say,teacher expects way much give multiple assignment short amount time thinking ending,fish dude man 69,17,137,fish dude man 69 title say teacher expects way much give multiple assignment short amount time thinking ending
The only person who can make me better is myself and I can’t do that,"TLDR: only I can make myself happy again and I know for a fact I’ll never do that, I’m hopeless

———

I’m only making myself feel worse because I have so many things to do and I’m not doing any of them because I’m lazy and want to lie in bed all day. Then the stress of it all just builds up and the stress paralyzes me into inaction even more and then more stress piles up and so on

I’m digging myself a hole, I’m making myself worse off and ruining my own life

And at the end of the day it’s up to me to fix myself. It’s up to me to get things done and to get my life in order, to make myself happy again

But I know for a fact I can’t do that. I’m too lazy, too tired, can’t focus on anything or anyone other than myself. I’m pathetic 

I’ll never be able to find the will to fix myself so why am I even still here? Just to stay miserable until I inevitably kill myself down the road because I’m incapable of helping myself

Nothing will ever be able to fix me. It’s all up to me. It’s up to me and that’s scary because I’ll never be able to help myself. I can’t, I know for a fact I can’t and I won’t 

I’m wasting so many peoples time by reaching out because I don’t believe a single kind word they say and don’t follow any of their advice because I’m too lazy to try

It was over for me before it even started",SeaSaltSaw,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fctvm0/the_only_person_who_can_make_me_better_is_myself/,tldr make happy know fact never hopeless making feel worse many thing lazy want lie bed day stress build stress paralyzes inaction even stress pile digging hole making worse ruining life end day fix get thing done get life order make happy know fact lazy tired focus anything anyone pathetic never able find fix even still stay miserable inevitably kill road incapable helping nothing ever able fix scary never able help know fact wasting many people time reaching believe single kind word say follow advice lazy try wa even started,person make better,sea salt saw,1317,68,sea salt saw tldr make happy know fact never hopeless making feel worse many thing lazy want lie bed day stress build stress paralyzes inaction even stress pile digging hole making worse ruining life end day fix get thing done get life order make happy know fact lazy tired focus anything anyone pathetic never able find fix even still stay miserable inevitably kill road incapable helping nothing ever able fix scary never able help know fact wasting many people time reaching believe single kind word say follow advice lazy try wa even started person make better
I’m scared and I’m alone and I don’t know what to do,emptypost,ShocktasticAnimation,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd11aa/im_scared_and_im_alone_and_i_dont_know_what_to_do/,emptypost,scared alone know,shock ta stic animation,9,52,shock ta stic animation emptypost scared alone know
"Started but couldn't follow through, again","Right now as I'm in a taxi going home, I drank 10 pills of antidepressants, wanted to drink the entire bottle and pass out on the road peacefully but couldn't get myself to finish the bottle. My legs are going numb and I'm starting to lose sight in my eyes. Doubt I'll be able to go to work tomorrow because have never drank this much and definitely tried before but couldn't follow through. Somebody might be thinking that I'm doing this because I'm miserable, well maybe you're right. Not because I'm alone( in an amazing relationship for over two years) not because I'm unemployed or broke( working at an amazing position as an HR vice president) not because I have abusive family( they're extremely supportive and I'd give my life for them), even if you have all of those you can still be miserable and not feel happy. 

This is just me venting before my eyes completely black out, to anyone trying to overdose tonight, don't do it, don't be an idiot like me

Obligatory edit: I'm only 21",slimlecter,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1005/started_but_couldnt_follow_through_again/,right taxi going home drank 10 pill antidepressant wanted drink entire bottle pas road peacefully get finish bottle leg going numb starting lose sight eye doubt able go work tomorrow never drank much definitely tried follow somebody might thinking miserable well maybe right alone amazing relationship two year unemployed broke working amazing position hr vice president abusive family extremely supportive give life even still miserable feel happy venting eye completely black anyone trying overdose tonight idiot like obligatory edit 21,started follow,slim lecter,992,42,slim lecter right taxi going home drank 10 pill antidepressant wanted drink entire bottle pas road peacefully get finish bottle leg going numb starting lose sight eye doubt able go work tomorrow never drank much definitely tried follow somebody might thinking miserable well maybe right alone amazing relationship two year unemployed broke working amazing position hr vice president abusive family extremely supportive give life even still miserable feel happy venting eye completely black anyone trying overdose tonight idiot like obligatory edit 21 started follow
I can't keep doing this,"There is so much shit going on right now, my mom has terminal cancer, the family dogs being put to sleep tonight, my sister is extremely ill and is potentially going to lose her baby, she 6 months pregnant, my partner is off work with mental health issues and can't leave the house so I'm working every hour I can just to keep a roof over our head. I'm trying so hard to be there for every one but it feels like no one is there for me. I can't do this. It's breaking me.",Lunabevin,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcxasi/i_cant_keep_doing_this/,much shit going right mom ha terminal cancer family dog put sleep tonight sister extremely ill potentially going lose baby 6 month pregnant partner work mental health issue leave house working every hour keep roof head trying hard every one feel like one breaking,keep,luna bev,470,23,luna bev much shit going right mom ha terminal cancer family dog put sleep tonight sister extremely ill potentially going lose baby 6 month pregnant partner work mental health issue leave house working every hour keep roof head trying hard every one feel like one breaking keep
really feeling like i can’t do this anymore,"told my mum this morning that i can’t do this anymore when she saw me in hysterical tears before school. i explained that i’m not getting the help i need and i have suicidal thoughts all the time. she said she knows i’ve been through so much shit but i’m doing so well and i’m entitled to feel sad & like i need a break. 

i’m not coping. it’s like everything is going too fast for me and i need time. i’ve been mentally ill most of my life and i’ve only been here a little less than 15 years. i’ve only had one depression break from school once before and that was because i took sleeping pills the night before and couldn’t wake up. my mum just thought i was super tired so i was “off sick”. I’ve still never told anyone about that, i was hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. 

I feel like a burden to people so i find it hard to ask for support. that’s why i often resort to cries for help. i feel trapped in my own mind. life is exhausting and i can’t control my emotions. I want to be happy but my own fucking brain gets in the way of everything.",dreary-dinosaur,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd49no/really_feeling_like_i_cant_do_this_anymore/,told mum morning anymore saw hysterical tear school explained getting help need suicidal thought time said know much shit well entitled feel sad amp like need break coping like everything going fast need time mentally ill life little le 15 year one depression break school wa took sleeping pill night wake mum thought wa super tired wa sick still never told anyone wa hoping fall asleep never wake feel like burden people find hard ask support often resort cry help feel trapped mind life exhausting control emotion want happy fucking brain get way everything,really feeling like anymore,dreary dinosaur,1059,43,dreary dinosaur told mum morning anymore saw hysterical tear school explained getting help need suicidal thought time said know much shit well entitled feel sad amp like need break coping like everything going fast need time mentally ill life little le 15 year one depression break school wa took sleeping pill night wake mum thought wa super tired wa sick still never told anyone wa hoping fall asleep never wake feel like burden people find hard ask support often resort cry help feel trapped mind life exhausting control emotion want happy fucking brain get way everything really feeling like anymore
I don't know I want to die or live,"Actually I like living but not with this situations. I'm 17 now, today is my birthday. I have mental ilnesses for my childood, when I was 11 my ocd starts. And I have  depression for several years. Sometimes it's go up and sometimes down. In 7th grade I sleep all day. And this year I'm actually be aware of my depression. And I have paranoia too, ever since last year. I took antidepressant and antipsychotics. And this time I take 2 capsule prozac every moening. And also I'm going to psychiatrist. First time I've go to psychiatrist is nearly 3 years ago. And I'm going to psychologyst too in last 3 years (not continuonus). But I can't be happy. Always I'm thinking something. I can't be relax. I can't be peaceful. I don't want to be die but I think it's required for me.",beohodss,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0w2k/i_dont_know_i_want_to_die_or_live/,actually like living situation 17 today birthday mental ilnesses childood wa 11 ocd start depression several year sometimes go sometimes 7th grade sleep day year actually aware depression paranoia ever since last year took antidepressant antipsychotic time take 2 capsule prozac every moening also going psychiatrist first time go psychiatrist nearly 3 year ago going psychologyst last 3 year continuonus happy always thinking something relax peaceful want die think required,know want die live,oho ds,776,34,oho ds actually like living situation 17 today birthday mental ilnesses childood wa 11 ocd start depression several year sometimes go sometimes 7th grade sleep day year actually aware depression paranoia ever since last year took antidepressant antipsychotic time take 2 capsule prozac every moening also going psychiatrist first time go psychiatrist nearly 3 year ago going psychologyst last 3 year continuonus happy always thinking something relax peaceful want die think required know want die live
I can't take anymore of this existence,"I didn't know that overdoses were rarely successful until reading through this subreddit, I was planning on overdosing with tramadol hydrochloride, I was hoping to make it quick & peaceful but now I will have to consider another method.",Thejamjamman1985,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd48ul/i_cant_take_anymore_of_this_existence/,know overdoses rarely successful reading subreddit wa planning overdosing tramadol hydrochloride wa hoping make quick amp peaceful consider another method,take anymore existence,jam jam man 1985,240,38,jam jam man 1985 know overdoses rarely successful reading subreddit wa planning overdosing tramadol hydrochloride wa hoping make quick amp peaceful consider another method take anymore existence
I’m now genuinely thinking life for others would be better if I died,"Fight with my fiancée. Potential for her ending the relationship.
Likelihood is She doesn’t want me and would be better without me
Don’t speak to my mother, she doesn’t want me
My sister and I barely speak
My father and I aren’t the closest
My brother and I barely speak
My friends barely speak to me now
My job is going nowhere
My debt is going nowhere


Nobody wants me around. Why shouldn’t I just die?",JumboSnausage,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd48bm/im_now_genuinely_thinking_life_for_others_would/,fight fiancée potential ending relationship likelihood want would better without speak mother want sister barely speak father closest brother barely speak friend barely speak job going nowhere debt going nowhere nobody want around die,genuinely thinking life others would better died,jumbos na usage,405,68,jumbos na usage fight fiancée potential ending relationship likelihood want would better without speak mother want sister barely speak father closest brother barely speak friend barely speak job going nowhere debt going nowhere nobody want around die genuinely thinking life others would better died
Going to fail this semester I can feel it. I'm not going anywhere in life.,"The title basically says it all. I'm 22, got into school about a year and a half ago and this semester isn't going well. I have a 3.33GPA at the moment but I can tell it's going to drop to a point where I'm not going to be able to recover. I have to work as well and the hours are killing me sometimes working until 1 in the morning. I'm tired all the time and dont even really know what I'm doing half the time. I know if I fail this semester or end up dropping out for a second time I'll lose it anyway. I dont want to be a worthless piece of shit anymore but I cant seem to grasp anything. I don't even know what to do anymore or how muc hbk longer itll take for me to do it but I know it's coming. I just need to vent beforehand because I know its coming",Bipolar-Roller,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0seg/going_to_fail_this_semester_i_can_feel_it_im_not/,title basically say 22 got school year half ago semester going well 3 33gpa moment tell going drop point going able recover work well hour killing sometimes working 1 morning tired time dont even really know half time know fail semester end dropping second time lose anyway dont want worthless piece shit anymore cant seem grasp anything even know anymore muc hbk longer itll take know coming need vent beforehand know coming,going fail semester feel going anywhere life,bipolar roller,758,74,bipolar roller title basically say 22 got school year half ago semester going well 3 33gpa moment tell going drop point going able recover work well hour killing sometimes working 1 morning tired time dont even really know half time know fail semester end dropping second time lose anyway dont want worthless piece shit anymore cant seem grasp anything even know anymore muc hbk longer itll take know coming need vent beforehand know coming going fail semester feel going anywhere life
Klonopon side effects ruining my life Im losing control...,"I have been a chronic sufferer of gad all my life. Thanks to klonopin my worries symptons anxieties were gone. But now, the side effects of overdosing on it (which I dont understand cause I only take 2 a day maybe its because my inept doctor upped the dose from 0.5mg to 1) has made my emotions go haywire.

I'm constantly euphoric, spontaneous feeling of deep rage and an impulse to punch and scream. On top of that, being ticked off by little things and become explosive. 

If the price to pay to not feel worried all the time is explosive behaviour Id rather take the other. I have recurred to smoking to calm myself. Right now Im a step away of losing control over and really lose myself go in a blind beastly rage. 

Since I cant see my inept doctor (the only doctor i can afford) till last day of march. I decided to cut down the pill to one dose a day and Im cosidering splittling the dose myself to see if their are improvements.",TyleRizes2,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd421i/klonopon_side_effects_ruining_my_life_im_losing/,chronic sufferer gad life thanks klonopin worry symptons anxiety gone side effect overdosing dont understand cause take 2 day maybe inept doctor upped dose 0 5mg 1 ha made emotion go haywire constantly euphoric spontaneous feeling deep rage impulse punch scream top ticked little thing become explosive price pay feel worried time explosive behaviour id rather take recurred smoking calm right im step away losing control really lose go blind beastly rage since cant see inept doctor doctor afford till last day march decided cut pill one dose day im cosidering splittling dose see improvement,klonopon side effect ruining life im losing control,tyler ize 2,937,58,tyler ize 2 chronic sufferer gad life thanks klonopin worry symptons anxiety gone side effect overdosing dont understand cause take 2 day maybe inept doctor upped dose 0 5mg 1 ha made emotion go haywire constantly euphoric spontaneous feeling deep rage impulse punch scream top ticked little thing become explosive price pay feel worried time explosive behaviour id rather take recurred smoking calm right im step away losing control really lose go blind beastly rage since cant see inept doctor doctor afford till last day march decided cut pill one dose day im cosidering splittling dose see improvement klonopon side effect ruining life im losing control
"I saw a burning building today, I tried rushing in, wanting to save whoever is inside; but, got stopped by several people.","Honestly, I don’t value my life that much, and I’d rather never wake up from my sleep. I came in terms with myself, and thought maybe I could give that second chance to someone who deserves it more than me. Is that stupid? Or senseless?",Nevius17,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd08l2/i_saw_a_burning_building_today_i_tried_rushing_in/,honestly value life much rather never wake sleep came term thought maybe could give second chance someone deserves stupid senseless,saw burning building today tried rushing wanting save whoever inside got stopped several people,nevus u 17,236,122,nevus u 17 honestly value life much rather never wake sleep came term thought maybe could give second chance someone deserves stupid senseless saw burning building today tried rushing wanting save whoever inside got stopped several people
My therapist just bailed on me,"Fucking hell. I told him I didn't have a plan to kill myself anymore, but still felt generally shitty, and he told me to go see a doctor about that and canceled further appointments because I'm apparently all better.

Thankfully I still don't have a plan, but a big part of my support system kinda just went up in smoke, which isn't a pleasant thought to dwell on.

Fuck him honestly lol.",smolmight-_-,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3ozq/my_therapist_just_bailed_on_me/,fucking hell told plan kill anymore still felt generally shitty told go see doctor canceled appointment apparently better thankfully still plan big part support system kinda went smoke pleasant thought dwell fuck honestly lol,therapist bailed,mol might,388,30,mol might fucking hell told plan kill anymore still felt generally shitty told go see doctor canceled appointment apparently better thankfully still plan big part support system kinda went smoke pleasant thought dwell fuck honestly lol therapist bailed
Goodbye,I just want to walk and walk until I fall to my knees and my heart gives out. Hopefully I die of frostbite. I’ve tried everything else.,Life-Reach,19,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0615/goodbye/,want walk walk fall knee heart give hopefully die frostbite tried everything else,goodbye,life reach,135,7,life reach want walk walk fall knee heart give hopefully die frostbite tried everything else goodbye
I feel better now. If anyone reads these and was wondering.,emptypost,Solidus_Sloth,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3hm9/i_feel_better_now_if_anyone_reads_these_and_was/,emptypost,feel better anyone read wa wondering,solidus sloth,9,59,solidus sloth emptypost feel better anyone read wa wondering
Help,What is the lethal dose of mefenamic acid? I have 5g but I don’t know how much is enough to kill me,Jeeseeka,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3gzi/help/,lethal dose mefenamic acid 5g know much enough kill,help,j ee seek,99,4,j ee seek lethal dose mefenamic acid 5g know much enough kill help
I'm really tempted to kill myself,"First of all if I get a fucking comment on my grammer I'm gonna cry I dont care about my grammer rn I just wanna fucking vent

I'm suicidal as fuck and all I can think about is killing myself I'm not fucking okay and I just want slmw fucking help but I'm too much of a pussy to fucking say anything cause god I fucking hate myself so much I wanna fucking die already but I dont actually wanna die I just dont wanna feel like this or live like this I wanna be fucking happy and in a good comfortable place in life fucking fuck dude is that so fucking hard",styroyeetsbabeyyy,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd3eak/im_really_tempted_to_kill_myself/,first get fucking comment grammer gonna cry dont care grammer rn wanna fucking vent suicidal fuck think killing fucking okay want slmw fucking help much pussy fucking say anything cause god fucking hate much wanna fucking die already dont actually wanna die dont wanna feel like live like wanna fucking happy good comfortable place life fucking fuck dude fucking hard,really tempted kill,tyro yee tsb bey yy,554,33,tyro yee tsb bey yy first get fucking comment grammer gonna cry dont care grammer rn wanna fucking vent suicidal fuck think killing fucking okay want slmw fucking help much pussy fucking say anything cause god fucking hate much wanna fucking die already dont actually wanna die dont wanna feel like live like wanna fucking happy good comfortable place life fucking fuck dude fucking hard really tempted kill
What's the point in living,"Seriously like a 9-5 isnt my forte, I hate kids, I don't have the ability to pursue both my passions and a job, everyone in my life uses me for emotional support but no I'm a downer if I ever do the same. I just think I'd rather be dead but once I'm at this point again they only try preventing the suicide but never help me get better. I think I've honestly had enough living at this point and I dont wanna hate myself anylonger",JohmasWitness,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd34v1/whats_the_point_in_living/,seriously like 9 5 isnt forte hate kid ability pursue passion job everyone life us emotional support downer ever think rather dead point try preventing suicide never help get better think honestly enough living point dont wanna hate anylonger,point living,jo hmas witness,429,26,jo hmas witness seriously like 9 5 isnt forte hate kid ability pursue passion job everyone life us emotional support downer ever think rather dead point try preventing suicide never help get better think honestly enough living point dont wanna hate anylonger point living
That's a lot of Dam-age!,https://i.imgur.com/riWmyj2.jpg,Timoris,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fczl3l/thats_a_lot_of_damage/,http imgur com riwmyj2 jpg,lot dam age,timor,31,24,timor http imgur com riwmyj2 jpg lot dam age
"Soon, I will find relief soon.","This weekend, I haven't figured out all the details, but I feel it, definitely this weekend, I will find peace.",totallychillin,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd32iy/soon_i_will_find_relief_soon/,weekend figured detail feel definitely weekend find peace,soon find relief soon,totally chill,111,30,totally chill weekend figured detail feel definitely weekend find peace soon find relief soon
Do you know to stop feeling so empty and hopeless ?,"So today at work i had a mental breakdown, i cant stop feeling so.... sad! Suddenly my suicide thought keep pop up in my head and i keep falling apart. I never smoke before but for some reason i wanted to so bad ..... I was crying and cutting myself continuously but the sad thing it no one care at all. My coworker never ask me why i start smoking or so did my parent. I laughed at myself for being so stupid....that i thought they might care about me. Hah ! Im a mess right? Now i cant stop thinking about dead. To be honest i feel like sometimes even the internet care about  me more then my own parent ! I cant love myself anymore because im"" a accident and the only reason that made everyone suffer "" ...... I never wanted to die tho. But my life suck and i "" just making reason so i can get my way out """,abadassbitch_2000,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvwm7/do_you_know_to_stop_feeling_so_empty_and_hopeless/,today work mental breakdown cant stop feeling sad suddenly suicide thought keep pop head keep falling apart never smoke reason wanted bad wa cry cutting continuously sad thing one care coworker never ask start smoking parent laughed stupid thought might care hah im mess right cant stop thinking dead honest feel like sometimes even internet care parent cant love anymore im accident reason made everyone suffer never wanted die tho life suck making reason get way,know stop feeling empty hopeless,bad bitch 2000,809,51,bad bitch 2000 today work mental breakdown cant stop feeling sad suddenly suicide thought keep pop head keep falling apart never smoke reason wanted bad wa cry cutting continuously sad thing one care coworker never ask start smoking parent laughed stupid thought might care hah im mess right cant stop thinking dead honest feel like sometimes even internet care parent cant love anymore im accident reason made everyone suffer never wanted die tho life suck making reason get way know stop feeling empty hopeless
"Nothing’s changed, hope is gone, I guess I got unlucky. Peace out y’all.",<3,ShocktasticAnimation,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fczdzt/nothings_changed_hope_is_gone_i_guess_i_got/,lt 3,nothing changed hope gone guess got unlucky peace,shock ta stic animation,5,72,shock ta stic animation lt 3 nothing changed hope gone guess got unlucky peace
I wanna die,I’m 9th grade and I don’t know how to socialize anymore I’m suppper shy to do anything:<<<,navymikai,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcz9y1/i_wanna_die/,9th grade know socialize anymore suppper shy anything lt lt lt,wanna die,navy mika,99,11,navy mika 9th grade know socialize anymore suppper shy anything lt lt lt wanna die
"I feel so lost and tired, so I'm writing it all out to make myself feel better a bit.","These days I just feel like running around in circles. I keep making the wrong decisions, all of which coming from my inability to control my emotions. I am currently facing the consequences of my decisions and of course, am very tired as I could not see any way for me to feel accomplished. Additionally, I have imposed problems upon others, including my loved ones. It all began so well. I was in this perfect mint condition of being an average student from a prestigious high school in my country. The school's full of brilliant kids I can't seem to catch up with, and once I feel exhausted to keep on competing with them academically for scholarships, I stopped trying. My mom was having a perfectly stable job, earning an equivalent of 500 USD each month. Yet, the toxic environmental conditions of the city we lived in back then made me feel really oppressed, not to mention I was absurdly overwhelmed by the isolated feeling the school gave me. 

That was when I decided to stupidly leave my country for another place that seemed more ideal - a country in Europe, with inarguably better climate (because I love cold weather), better food quality, generally peaceful urban life in contrast to the busy city ruled by crazy drivers. It felt great for the first few days of arrival and my head was temporarily free from all the pressure, but all magic comes with a price. 

Basic things in life such as water are ridiculously expensive here - it's stressful to think about it in the shower. Additionally, I've moved to a new school. What made me so reluctant about it was the fact that it's an international school: small but sweet community, but with tuition fees that have considerably stressed my mom out. The prices are equivalent of what my mother made in her old job in 2 years. Life was good until Coronavirus struck. Apparently, healthcare in Europe is downright FRUSTRATING. (sorry European friends) Few countries took the quarantine procedure seriously, and the country I'm living in now isn't one of them. I want to go back...

Days went by and I discovered that lots of kids in my old school are currently achieving something. Something that I once considered to be my dream, but had given up on it just because.....emotions. 

Ughh I don't know anymore... I'm so stressed atm I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

I have cut a few slashes to my arm once, though not noticeable, and very much want to do the same again. I have so much to think about. I feel guilty for putting someone like my mom to go through things so I could get what I wanted. 

....

Dear Hell, please give me the strongest torture device for I deserve it.",wishesndreams,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2rob/i_feel_so_lost_and_tired_so_im_writing_it_all_out/,day feel like running around circle keep making wrong decision coming inability control emotion currently facing consequence decision course tired could see way feel accomplished additionally imposed problem upon others including loved one began well wa perfect mint condition average student prestigious high school country school full brilliant kid seem catch feel exhausted keep competing academically scholarship stopped trying mom wa perfectly stable job earning equivalent 500 usd month yet toxic environmental condition city lived back made feel really oppressed mention wa absurdly overwhelmed isolated feeling school gave wa decided stupidly leave country another place seemed ideal country europe inarguably better climate love cold weather better food quality generally peaceful urban life contrast busy city ruled crazy driver felt great first day arrival head wa temporarily free pressure magic come price basic thing life water ridiculously expensive stressful think shower additionally moved new school made reluctant wa fact international school small sweet community tuition fee considerably stressed mom price equivalent mother made old job 2 year life wa good coronavirus struck apparently healthcare europe downright frustrating sorry european friend country took quarantine procedure seriously country living one want go back day went discovered lot kid old school currently achieving something something considered dream given emotion ughh know anymore stressed atm even know saying anymore cut slash arm though noticeable much want much think feel guilty putting someone like mom go thing could get wanted dear hell please give strongest torture device deserve,feel lost tired writing make feel better bit,wish n dream,2649,85,wish n dream day feel like running around circle keep making wrong decision coming inability control emotion currently facing consequence decision course tired could see way feel accomplished additionally imposed problem upon others including loved one began well wa perfect mint condition average student prestigious high school country school full brilliant kid seem catch feel exhausted keep competing academically scholarship stopped trying mom wa perfectly stable job earning equivalent 500 usd month yet toxic environmental condition city lived back made feel really oppressed mention wa absurdly overwhelmed isolated feeling school gave wa decided stupidly leave country another place seemed ideal country europe inarguably better climate love cold weather better food quality generally peaceful urban life contrast busy city ruled crazy driver felt great first day arrival head wa temporarily free pressure magic come price basic thing life water ridiculously expensive stressful think shower additionally moved new school made reluctant wa fact international school small sweet community tuition fee considerably stressed mom price equivalent mother made old job 2 year life wa good coronavirus struck apparently healthcare europe downright frustrating sorry european friend country took quarantine procedure seriously country living one want go back day went discovered lot kid old school currently achieving something something considered dream given emotion ughh know anymore stressed atm even know saying anymore cut slash arm though noticeable much want much think feel guilty putting someone like mom go thing could get wanted dear hell please give strongest torture device deserve feel lost tired writing make feel better bit
I can't do it anymore.,"Hi.  I'd rather not say my name, but I'm 15 and I've been like this since I was 11.  I don't want to do anything anymore.  Everything just seems... boring.  I'm quite sick of everyday repetition.  Wake up, eat, go to school, come home, eat again, then sleep.  I've lost interest in all the games I thought were interesting before.  Now it's just as dull as a pencil that hasn't been sharpened in a couple years.  I don't want to do it anymore.  My grades are dropping like the downwards part of a roller coaster.  I hate everyone and everything.  I hate them because they are disgusting.  I hate them because they are annoying.  I hate them because they do nothing to help.  Everyone doesn't like me.  They only tolerate me.  They like to pick on me since I'm like this.  They think it's funny if someone is a failure.  Failures like me are disgraceful to everyone.  I can't do anything right.  I get yelled at by my mother for the smallest of things.  I have religious propaganda pushed on to me everyday and it doesn't stop.  I just need space.  I want to feel the same spark of interest I felt when I was a little kid.  Everyone thinks that I'm doing okay when they can clearly see that I'm internally suffering.  I don't want to live anymore.  Life was okay.  Life was great.  Hell, I'd even say that life was the best thing that happened to me.  But life just started going downhill and it's still going lower and lower than it was before.  If I killed myself all of my problems would go away.  Everyone couldn't bother me anymore.  Everything would be peaceful.  I'd all be okay.  I can't do it anymore.  Everything is too stressful to deal with.  I don't want to put up with this life anymore.  It already sucks enough as it is.  So why not just end it.  I guess I'll just finish the things I had planned first.  I just want things to be okay but they aren't going to be.  If anyone wants to help me go ahead.  I just want to be better.",ShadowGod242,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2qnf/i_cant_do_it_anymore/,hi rather say name 15 like since wa 11 want anything anymore everything seems boring quite sick everyday repetition wake eat go school come home eat sleep lost interest game thought interesting dull pencil sharpened couple year want anymore grade dropping like downwards part roller coaster hate everyone everything hate disgusting hate annoying hate nothing help everyone like tolerate like pick since like think funny someone failure failure like disgraceful everyone anything right get yelled mother smallest thing religious propaganda pushed everyday stop need space want feel spark interest felt wa little kid everyone think okay clearly see internally suffering want live anymore life wa okay life wa great hell even say life wa best thing happened life started going downhill still going lower lower wa killed problem would go away everyone bother anymore everything would peaceful okay anymore everything stressful deal want put life anymore already suck enough end guess finish thing planned first want thing okay going anyone want help go ahead want better,anymore,shadow god 242,1943,22,shadow god 242 hi rather say name 15 like since wa 11 want anything anymore everything seems boring quite sick everyday repetition wake eat go school come home eat sleep lost interest game thought interesting dull pencil sharpened couple year want anymore grade dropping like downwards part roller coaster hate everyone everything hate disgusting hate annoying hate nothing help everyone like tolerate like pick since like think funny someone failure failure like disgraceful everyone anything right get yelled mother smallest thing religious propaganda pushed everyday stop need space want feel spark interest felt wa little kid everyone think okay clearly see internally suffering want live anymore life wa okay life wa great hell even say life wa best thing happened life started going downhill still going lower lower wa killed problem would go away everyone bother anymore everything would peaceful okay anymore everything stressful deal want put life anymore already suck enough end guess finish thing planned first want thing okay going anyone want help go ahead want better anymore
What's the point anymore,emptypost,missmisery8,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2m6q/whats_the_point_anymore/,emptypost,point anymore,miss misery 8,9,24,miss misery 8 emptypost point anymore
need advice,"i want to talk to my therapist about my suicidal thoughts/tendencies and plan but i am terrified of going inpatient both voluntarily and involuntarily. i know im a danger to myself but im okay with that, i just want somebody else to know because bottling these feelings up is not good for me. i just don’t want them to do anything you know? i have never spoken to my therapist in depth about these thoughts, she knows they exist but i want to actually talk about them. just without any consequences.

can this happen? does anyone have experience in this situation? i am terrified",gaywhip,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2kca/need_advice/,want talk therapist suicidal thought tendency plan terrified going inpatient voluntarily involuntarily know im danger im okay want somebody else know bottling feeling good want anything know never spoken therapist depth thought know exist want actually talk without consequence happen doe anyone experience situation terrified,need advice,gay whip,579,11,gay whip want talk therapist suicidal thought tendency plan terrified going inpatient voluntarily involuntarily know im danger im okay want somebody else know bottling feeling good want anything know never spoken therapist depth thought know exist want actually talk without consequence happen doe anyone experience situation terrified need advice
I feel I’ve reached the end of the line,"Me and my friends grew up together, we all have common interests, all 3 of us tried out for a team and we all made it, however, the past 2 weeks have made me feel I’ve reached the end of the line, my 2 other friends accelerated and improved sharply while I didn’t, I later learned from one of them, let’s call him A, that I could possibly could get kicked should I not improve my level, however, our friendship blew up today when our other friend, P, spread a rumor about A and I unknowingly helped spread it, afterwards, A started hating me while P got mad at me for telling him who started the rumor, so now I’m now practically friendless and about to get kicked from the team of my favorite sport, I don’t feel I can continue in this shithole of my life.",AndreDaGamer,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2k2y/i_feel_ive_reached_the_end_of_the_line/,friend grew together common interest 3 u tried team made however past 2 week made feel reached end line 2 friend accelerated improved sharply later learned one let call could possibly could get kicked improve level however friendship blew today friend p spread rumor unknowingly helped spread afterwards started hating p got mad telling started rumor practically friendless get kicked team favorite sport feel continue shithole life,feel reached end line,red gamer,757,39,red gamer friend grew together common interest 3 u tried team made however past 2 week made feel reached end line 2 friend accelerated improved sharply later learned one let call could possibly could get kicked improve level however friendship blew today friend p spread rumor unknowingly helped spread afterwards started hating p got mad telling started rumor practically friendless get kicked team favorite sport feel continue shithole life feel reached end line
I can’t do this,The second I can’t keep my mind occupied all I can think about is killing myself im so sad I can’t do this anymore,AmyIsDeMan,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcyuyl/i_cant_do_this/,second keep mind occupied think killing im sad anymore,,amy de man,114,15,amy de man second keep mind occupied think killing im sad anymore 
Am I being a burden on my family?,"I'm 16 F diagnosed with depression. I'm thinking of killing myself tonight. Tried yesterday, failed. One of reason behind this is that I'm being burden on my family. I don't have mental capacity to think clearly. So I'm asking you. 

Dropped this year boards because I wasn't able to study at all. Its near beginning to next session, and I haven't recovered a bit. Because my parents this is happening because of some sort of supernatural evil thing. After diagnosis they didn't took me to therapy ever again. Rather they took me to get rid of that evil thing. I'm not gonna be able to to study and waste all their money again. They also have to give dowry for my marriage and pay for my education. And waste my life, and their money. We have financial problems too.

I think it's justified to commit suicide.

But what if ruin their mental health.

My mom had BPD, and schizophrenia. My sister is 10. I think this will ruin their life. But we aren't close emotionally. They might also be better without me.

My reality is mess, I think I can never recover, and waste my life, and live like this for 60 years, which is so scary. My mom doesn't go to a doctor because she thinks this is because of that evil thing. I'm scared for her. She doesn't eat because she thinks her enemy is gonna kill her if she does so. No matter how much we insist to take her to a doctor, she refused.

I'm stuck.

I'm scared of all the suffering there are in the world. I've seen street dogs die because of road accident, and there's no one to even take care of the dead body. His hide was there at the road. 

Please don't say not to commit suicide, just because of your moral obligation. Please answer if my family would be better without me. 

If you took your time to read all this, I can't thank you enough.",arimeYO,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvcfb/am_i_being_a_burden_on_my_family/,16 f diagnosed depression thinking killing tonight tried yesterday failed one reason behind burden family mental capacity think clearly asking dropped year board able study near beginning next session recovered bit parent happening sort supernatural evil thing diagnosis took therapy ever rather took get rid evil thing gonna able study waste money also give dowry marriage pay education waste life money financial problem think justified commit suicide ruin mental health mom bpd schizophrenia sister 10 think ruin life close emotionally might also better without reality mess think never recover waste life live like 60 year scary mom go doctor think evil thing scared eat think enemy gonna kill doe matter much insist take doctor refused stuck scared suffering world seen street dog die road accident one even take care dead body hide wa road please say commit suicide moral obligation please answer family would better without took time read thank enough,burden family,rime yo,1791,33,rime yo 16 f diagnosed depression thinking killing tonight tried yesterday failed one reason behind burden family mental capacity think clearly asking dropped year board able study near beginning next session recovered bit parent happening sort supernatural evil thing diagnosis took therapy ever rather took get rid evil thing gonna able study waste money also give dowry marriage pay education waste life money financial problem think justified commit suicide ruin mental health mom bpd schizophrenia sister 10 think ruin life close emotionally might also better without reality mess think never recover waste life live like 60 year scary mom go doctor think evil thing scared eat think enemy gonna kill doe matter much insist take doctor refused stuck scared suffering world seen street dog die road accident one even take care dead body hide wa road please say commit suicide moral obligation please answer family would better without took time read thank enough burden family
I deserve to die,"I'm 22 years old. And unlike most of the people here, I truly deserve to kill myself.

I've been verbally and physically abusive to everyone around me since I could talk. 

So far as humans go. I bullied kids when I was a kid. Lots of kids. I was never nice to anyone. I was mean to my parents. I hit. I beat up one of my friends. As an adult, I've been physically and verbally abusive to my mom. I've left her with black eyes. And my stepdad. I've told them both to kill themselves a million times. I've said some truly awful things. Not just to them. I lost a friend after I verbally abused her, too. And I've treated my best friend horribly.

Worse than that, the animals. Both of the first cats I ever had ran away, so I must have done something to them. The third, I chased her around and sprayed her with water and hit her. For years. She was traumatized. She hated me. She'd always scratch me up and I deserved it. The fifth cat ran away, I don't know what I did. The sixth cat I don't remember if I was mean or nice but I gave her to some old ladies because we had to move. I hope they loved her. My seventh cat is my current cat. I got her right before I turned twelve. I used to put a laundry basket over her and shake it while she screamed. She was just a little kitten. I stopped doing that at some point because my mom talked to me. But I hit her. Sometimes multiple times. This cat isn't traumatized mostly. She cuddles me every fucking night that I let her. But...

Then there's my dogs. I beat the shit out of my older dog, multiple times when I was an older teen. I beat him with shoes because he chewed them. He was just sad I had to go to school and I beat him. My younger dog I beat the shit out of once (maybe, technically, twice? same day in a short time period), ever. 1,264 days ago. I was so gutted about how badly I hurt him-- he was bruised under his fur and upset for days-- I swore never to beat any animal ever again, and I haven't. But I still hit them. I'm ""extremely abusive"". That's how my grandma describes me. My fucking grandma. (The dogs aren't traumatized at all anymore, but...)

I also ripped off a lizard's tail...and killed a lizard...but those were accidents. 

On top of all that, it's quite possible I'm a pedophile. When I was 14, I chased an 11 year old girl around trying to kiss her. (I succeeded. This happened 2x.) And when I was 19, I read 2 fanfiction about a sexual relationship between a 16 year old and a 12 year old. And I had dreams for years about rape? Of children? I mean, I also have OCD and it could just be that. But one day I abruptly decided that That Wasn't Going To Happen Anymore, and now it happens much less. It's unpleasant. 

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be abusive to anyone. I was never abused. I recently started therapy (again). I'm on medication (Paxil). I think about the abuse all the time. It's probably 80% of my thoughts. I am trying to not do these things. To never be verbally or physically abusive again. I love my family and my pets and they have never deserved this. But I will never be able to undo the things that I have done. Even if I try to make amends. Even if I'm forgiven, which I am. I am a bad person, and thanks to what I've done, I will always be.

I deserve every ounce of guilt I've felt these past 1,264 days that I've known I've abusive. These past years where I didn't try to change until now. I deserve to feel this way every miserable day for the rest of my life. I deserve to kill myself.",djdjhgmjk,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvam7/i_deserve_to_die/,22 year old unlike people truly deserve kill verbally physically abusive everyone around since could talk far human go bullied kid wa kid lot kid wa never nice anyone wa mean parent hit beat one friend adult physically verbally abusive mom left black eye stepdad told kill million time said truly awful thing lost friend verbally abused treated best friend horribly worse animal first cat ever ran away must done something third chased around sprayed water hit year wa traumatized hated always scratch deserved fifth cat ran away know sixth cat remember wa mean nice gave old lady move hope loved seventh cat current cat got right turned twelve used put laundry basket shake screamed wa little kitten stopped point mom talked hit sometimes multiple time cat traumatized mostly cuddle every fucking night let dog beat shit older dog multiple time wa older teen beat shoe chewed wa sad go school beat younger dog beat shit maybe technically twice day short time period ever 1 264 day ago wa gutted badly hurt wa bruised fur upset day swore never beat animal ever still hit extremely abusive grandma describes fucking grandma dog traumatized anymore also ripped lizard tail killed lizard accident top quite possible pedophile wa 14 chased 11 year old girl around trying kiss succeeded happened 2x wa 19 read 2 fanfiction sexual relationship 16 year old 12 year old dream year rape child mean also ocd could one day abruptly decided going happen anymore happens much le unpleasant want like want abusive anyone wa never abused recently started therapy medication paxil think abuse time probably 80 thought trying thing never verbally physically abusive love family pet never deserved never able undo thing done even try make amends even forgiven bad person thanks done always deserve every ounce guilt felt past 1 264 day known abusive past year try change deserve feel way every miserable day rest life deserve kill,deserve die,dj dj hg jk,3514,16,dj dj hg jk 22 year old unlike people truly deserve kill verbally physically abusive everyone around since could talk far human go bullied kid wa kid lot kid wa never nice anyone wa mean parent hit beat one friend adult physically verbally abusive mom left black eye stepdad told kill million time said truly awful thing lost friend verbally abused treated best friend horribly worse animal first cat ever ran away must done something third chased around sprayed water hit year wa traumatized hated always scratch deserved fifth cat ran away know sixth cat remember wa mean nice gave old lady move hope loved seventh cat current cat got right turned twelve used put laundry basket shake screamed wa little kitten stopped point mom talked hit sometimes multiple time cat traumatized mostly cuddle every fucking night let dog beat shit older dog multiple time wa older teen beat shoe chewed wa sad go school beat younger dog beat shit maybe technically twice day short time period ever 1 264 day ago wa gutted badly hurt wa bruised fur upset day swore never beat animal ever still hit extremely abusive grandma describes fucking grandma dog traumatized anymore also ripped lizard tail killed lizard accident top quite possible pedophile wa 14 chased 11 year old girl around trying kiss succeeded happened 2x wa 19 read 2 fanfiction sexual relationship 16 year old 12 year old dream year rape child mean also ocd could one day abruptly decided going happen anymore happens much le unpleasant want like want abusive anyone wa never abused recently started therapy medication paxil think abuse time probably 80 thought trying thing never verbally physically abusive love family pet never deserved never able undo thing done even try make amends even forgiven bad person thanks done always deserve every ounce guilt felt past 1 264 day known abusive past year try change deserve feel way every miserable day rest life deserve kill deserve die
Why am I feeling like this,5 days ago i slit my wrists again. I was feeling like absolute shit and wanted a reason for why i felt like i did. My boyfriend found out today and it really got to him and it made me feel worse bc i didn’t consider how he could feel if i hurt myself. I want to do it again but i know deep down i shouldn’t. I don’t wanna live this life anymore bc i feel like i’m constantly hurting people without realizing it.,baby_stitch,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd28ro/why_am_i_feeling_like_this/,5 day ago slit wrist wa feeling like absolute shit wanted reason felt like boyfriend found today really got made feel worse bc consider could feel hurt want know deep wanna live life anymore bc feel like constantly hurting people without realizing,feeling like,baby stitch,411,26,baby stitch 5 day ago slit wrist wa feeling like absolute shit wanted reason felt like boyfriend found today really got made feel worse bc consider could feel hurt want know deep wanna live life anymore bc feel like constantly hurting people without realizing feeling like
I know suicide is not the answer but,"But still, I do not want to keep on living. I have zero hope for the future, nor goals or dreams. The only things that keeps me from doing it is that I'm scared of the pain and just like the memes, mom would be sad. 

I just keep joking about it to my friends but I really really just want to stop carrying on with this life.",depressedbrocoli,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fct2gb/i_know_suicide_is_not_the_answer_but/,still want keep living zero hope future goal dream thing keep scared pain like meme mom would sad keep joking friend really really want stop carrying life,know suicide answer,depressed bro coli,325,36,depressed bro coli still want keep living zero hope future goal dream thing keep scared pain like meme mom would sad keep joking friend really really want stop carrying life know suicide answer
I’m tired.,"I’ve been feeling the exact same way for years. I get momentary feelings of happiness and then they just disappear. I have little to no energy anymore and I’m not excited to talk to anyone. I don’t think any of my friends care about me and I can’t depend on my family for any support. I’m on a waiting list for a mental health service but it’s going to take a while but I don’t know how long I can keep feeling like this.

I got my first job the other day and although I’ve met some nice people, I still feel like shit. My parents think I’m instantly cured because of the fact I’m now working but in truth I’m thinking about just ending it all. Nothing is going to change or help.

Sorry.",emvife,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd2339/im_tired/,feeling exact way year get momentary feeling happiness disappear little energy anymore excited talk anyone think friend care depend family support waiting list mental health service going take know long keep feeling like got first job day although met nice people still feel like shit parent think instantly cured fact working truth thinking ending nothing going change help sorry,tired,em vi fe,688,10,em vi fe feeling exact way year get momentary feeling happiness disappear little energy anymore excited talk anyone think friend care depend family support waiting list mental health service going take know long keep feeling like got first job day although met nice people still feel like shit parent think instantly cured fact working truth thinking ending nothing going change help sorry tired
Been suffering for fucking 24 years,Still fucking suffering,annifrank1723,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcwdjb/been_suffering_for_fucking_24_years/,still fucking suffering,suffering fucking 24 year,ni frank 1723,23,35,ni frank 1723 still fucking suffering suffering fucking 24 year
How to get over that surreal feeling?,"I battle with depression and tried to kill myself 2 weeks back, I chickened out just before I passed out and called a friend for help. Does that surreal feeling ever go away? How do you get your life back? I don't want to fall back into old habits as that's how I got to the darkest place I have ever been... But it's so damn hard! I am on meds and they seem to be helping but honestly I feel like I am staring at a black wall with no hope of escape!",crzyctldy2020,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcydea/how_to_get_over_that_surreal_feeling/,battle depression tried kill 2 week back chickened passed called friend help doe surreal feeling ever go away get life back want fall back old habit got darkest place ever damn hard med seem helping honestly feel like staring black wall hope escape,get surreal feeling,cr zy c tld 2020,450,37,cr zy c tld 2020 battle depression tried kill 2 week back chickened passed called friend help doe surreal feeling ever go away get life back want fall back old habit got darkest place ever damn hard med seem helping honestly feel like staring black wall hope escape get surreal feeling
"afraid to die, but i dont want to live. please read all of this, i want to know if i am alone","I want to die, I want everything to stop and I want to stop my thoughts and my lungs. Every single breath hurts my body, it’s like I’m struggling to breathe even though it’s basic instinct. I self harm all of the time and recently I’ve done worse than I ever have before. My whole body aches and I’m constantly tired, I just don’t have energy for life anymore. I want to kill myself and be done with it, but theres so many things I need to work out. Who will find my body? How will I do it? Will it hurt? Who should I give my belongings and pets to? Anyway, I just want someone to listen to me and to talk to me about how I really feel. Everyone always brushes me off. Nobody listens to anything I say, I feel so alone. I’m not sure if I truly want to die or if I just want to hurt myself badly enough to be hospitalised for a few weeks. I’m scared to truly die, but is it strange to want to hurt myself and be hospitalised for a while? I want to take a break from my life and be somewhere with people who understand and will take care of me. I feel like the only way I’ll be able to escape is if I attempt suicide and am hospitalised, and they’ll finally have to take me seriously. Is this a crazy thought? Does anyone else feel this way? I don’t know what to do. I have too many emotions.",here-i-speak,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcv0fp/afraid_to_die_but_i_dont_want_to_live_please_read/,want die want everything stop want stop thought lung every single breath hurt body like struggling breathe even though basic instinct self harm time recently done worse ever whole body ache constantly tired energy life anymore want kill done many thing need work find body hurt give belonging pet anyway want someone listen talk really feel everyone always brush nobody listens anything say feel alone sure truly want die want hurt badly enough hospitalised week scared truly die strange want hurt hospitalised want take break life somewhere people understand take care feel like way able escape attempt suicide hospitalised finally take seriously crazy thought doe anyone else feel way know many emotion,afraid die dont want live please read want know alone,speak,1290,93,speak want die want everything stop want stop thought lung every single breath hurt body like struggling breathe even though basic instinct self harm time recently done worse ever whole body ache constantly tired energy life anymore want kill done many thing need work find body hurt give belonging pet anyway want someone listen talk really feel everyone always brush nobody listens anything say feel alone sure truly want die want hurt badly enough hospitalised week scared truly die strange want hurt hospitalised want take break life somewhere people understand take care feel like way able escape attempt suicide hospitalised finally take seriously crazy thought doe anyone else feel way know many emotion afraid die dont want live please read want know alone
"It’s been so long of fighting the sadness, every single day. At what point did the pain stop got you? When does it get better after loosing someone you loved and never hearing from them again?",emptypost,iwaki-rogan,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcswrr/its_been_so_long_of_fighting_the_sadness_every/,emptypost,long fighting sadness every single day point pain stop got doe get better loosing someone loved never hearing,waki rogan,9,192,waki rogan emptypost long fighting sadness every single day point pain stop got doe get better loosing someone loved never hearing
Everything in my life has gone to shit but the only reasons I'm still here is my cats,"I'm 22. I grew up in an emotionally, verbally, and occasionally physically abusive home. My dad became an alcoholic as a result of the abuse from my mom. I became the unwilling referee and parental therapist as a preteen and eventual side punching bag as a teen. My mom has tried to kill me a few times now - some before I was 18, some after, and also kidnapped me as a child after she and my dad had a fight. I spent all of my adolescence waiting for a chance to get out. CPS came twice but nothing ever helped. I got into a dream school and everything as a senior, but that got ripped away too. Mom refused to sign off on loans - which I could not get without a co-signer. There went my escape. 

They divorced. I became the physical punching bag for my mom. I cut my hair off to prevent her from grabbing it. My dad got worse. I tried to kill myself a few times, all of which failed for some reason or another. Got 51/50'd. My mom proceeded to use that as a threat from then on of where she could send me if I didn't behave. I stayed with my dad after that, and cut her off. Still was depressed as fuck though. Only person I could talk to about any of it was my grandma. One night talked to her and my aunt (who's racist and hates me) happened to also be there. She took the phone and screamed at me. Told me never to call my grandma again, told me to stop making up shit about my family and stop talking suicide to an elder. My grandma could handle it, she used to feel that way too - it's why I could talk to her about it. 

Fast forward a little bit and my dad (just after we finally patched our relationship and things looked better) suddenly died from his drinking problem. I had to go back to my mom because no other relative was an option. My mom immediately took it out on me, and I became terrified to even wake up. She tried to smother me to death, tried to choke me out with an aux cord, tried to shove me down the stairs, tried to push me out of a moving vehicle, etc. Yet every time blamed me. It was the worst year of my life, or so I thought. At least I had my grandma. She was depressed too, over losing her son, and because she was being abused by her daughter (the racist aunt). I was trying to help but it always got covered up somehow. Then exactly one year later, my grandma suddenly died. But she left me half her estate to protect myself, because she wanted me to move out and live near her. She was the only person left that wanted to help me. 

But then my aunt (the one from before) got hissy about the fact that her mom and I were closer than they ever were, and she lawyered up. She refused to give me a key, refused to give me the items my grandma specifically wanted me to have (because no proof), and informed me of the sale well after it happened while I was out of state. She also kept going through my mom, which was idiotic - as my parents divorced and I was an adult. I asked her about it, she dodged, so I wrote a letter. She never contacted me again for months, so I had to get an attorney (that I can't afford tbh) and we've been back and forth on that since. Now she's threatening to file the taxes under my name without my permission without my SSN so the IRS comes after me. All this over fucking recipe cards and a desk!  

I always think about wanting to end it, end the pain, end the inevitable suffering that always comes, but I can't. I can't leave my cats. I refuse to rehome, the word itself hurts me to even type or see. How could I do such a thing to my family? The only ones there for me? Anytime I cry they sit on me and purr or lick my face and one of them legit meows at me until i talk to her and she keeps meowing till i'm done and then snuggles. They are literally the closest to me and the only ones that keep me going. I just wish I could do something for them too (like find a new place to live, but I can't). My mom recently made credit cards under my name and maxed them out. Told me this just so ""I'd understand the position I'm in."" If anyone asks her she says it's just to help me build my credit. To which I'm sure is somewhat true, because she intends to sign my name off as a cosigner to a property she wants to buy. 

To her I've only ever been a means to an end. I just want out, I don't want to die. I want a place on my own with my cats, safe and sound. But I feel like I'll never get out. And I'm afraid to wish too because everytime I do I get something worse.",DesalinationByTheSun,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcy97r/everything_in_my_life_has_gone_to_shit_but_the/,22 grew emotionally verbally occasionally physically abusive home dad became alcoholic result abuse mom became unwilling referee parental therapist preteen eventual side punching bag teen mom ha tried kill time wa 18 also kidnapped child dad fight spent adolescence waiting chance get cps came twice nothing ever helped got dream school everything senior got ripped away mom refused sign loan could get without co signer went escape divorced became physical punching bag mom cut hair prevent grabbing dad got worse tried kill time failed reason another got 51 50 mom proceeded use threat could send behave stayed dad cut still wa depressed fuck though person could talk wa grandma one night talked aunt racist hate happened also took phone screamed told never call grandma told stop making shit family stop talking suicide elder grandma could handle used feel way could talk fast forward little bit dad finally patched relationship thing looked better suddenly died drinking problem go back mom relative wa option mom immediately took became terrified even wake tried smother death tried choke aux cord tried shove stair tried push moving vehicle etc yet every time blamed wa worst year life thought least grandma wa depressed losing son wa abused daughter racist aunt wa trying help always got covered somehow exactly one year later grandma suddenly died left half estate protect wanted move live near wa person left wanted help aunt one got hissy fact mom closer ever lawyered refused give key refused give item grandma specifically wanted proof informed sale well happened wa state also kept going mom wa idiotic parent divorced wa adult asked dodged wrote letter never contacted month get attorney afford tbh back forth since threatening file tax name without permission without ssn irs come fucking recipe card desk always think wanting end end pain end inevitable suffering always come leave cat refuse rehome word hurt even type see could thing family one anytime cry sit purr lick face one legit meow talk keep meowing till done snuggle literally closest one keep going wish could something like find new place live mom recently made credit card name maxed told understand position anyone asks say help build credit sure somewhat true intends sign name cosigner property want buy ever mean end want want die want place cat safe sound feel like never get afraid wish everytime get something worse,everything life ha gone shit reason still cat,desalination sun,4438,85,desalination sun 22 grew emotionally verbally occasionally physically abusive home dad became alcoholic result abuse mom became unwilling referee parental therapist preteen eventual side punching bag teen mom ha tried kill time wa 18 also kidnapped child dad fight spent adolescence waiting chance get cps came twice nothing ever helped got dream school everything senior got ripped away mom refused sign loan could get without co signer went escape divorced became physical punching bag mom cut hair prevent grabbing dad got worse tried kill time failed reason another got 51 50 mom proceeded use threat could send behave stayed dad cut still wa depressed fuck though person could talk wa grandma one night talked aunt racist hate happened also took phone screamed told never call grandma told stop making shit family stop talking suicide elder grandma could handle used feel way could talk fast forward little bit dad finally patched relationship thing looked better suddenly died drinking problem go back mom relative wa option mom immediately took became terrified even wake tried smother death tried choke aux cord tried shove stair tried push moving vehicle etc yet every time blamed wa worst year life thought least grandma wa depressed losing son wa abused daughter racist aunt wa trying help always got covered somehow exactly one year later grandma suddenly died left half estate protect wanted move live near wa person left wanted help aunt one got hissy fact mom closer ever lawyered refused give key refused give item grandma specifically wanted proof informed sale well happened wa state also kept going mom wa idiotic parent divorced wa adult asked dodged wrote letter never contacted month get attorney afford tbh back forth since threatening file tax name without permission without ssn irs come fucking recipe card desk always think wanting end end pain end inevitable suffering always come leave cat refuse rehome word hurt even type see could thing family one anytime cry sit purr lick face one legit meow talk keep meowing till done snuggle literally closest one keep going wish could something like find new place live mom recently made credit card name maxed told understand position anyone asks say help build credit sure somewhat true intends sign name cosigner property want buy ever mean end want want die want place cat safe sound feel like never get afraid wish everytime get something worse everything life ha gone shit reason still cat
I don’t care if it wins anymore,"People keep telling me that if I kill myself, then the depression will win the fight. Here’s the catch, they think I fucking care if it wins. I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m not even using a throwaway account because I don’t care about keeping it a secret. Why would I care if the depression wins? All I want is peace, and if it takes the depression winning over me to achieve that, then why should I care at all? I don’t. 

Idk why I’m even posting here. I’m not sure if I’m subconsciously looking for help, or just attention. Who knows. I don’t want to hurt my family, but at the same time I’m hurting them when I even tell them about my thoughts. I can’t fucking win anything anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m so goddamn pathetic it’s unbelievable. Sometimes I wish I was killed by a robber or shooter just so I didn’t have to worry about my family wondering what they did wrong.",rery_vude,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcr2t8/i_dont_care_if_it_wins_anymore/,people keep telling kill depression win fight catch think fucking care win give shit anymore even using throwaway account care keeping secret would care depression win want peace take depression winning achieve care idk even posting sure subconsciously looking help attention know want hurt family time hurting even tell thought fucking win anything anymore know goddamn pathetic unbelievable sometimes wish wa killed robber shooter worry family wondering wrong,care win anymore,ry vu de,887,31,ry vu de people keep telling kill depression win fight catch think fucking care win give shit anymore even using throwaway account care keeping secret would care depression win want peace take depression winning achieve care idk even posting sure subconsciously looking help attention know want hurt family time hurting even tell thought fucking win anything anymore know goddamn pathetic unbelievable sometimes wish wa killed robber shooter worry family wondering wrong care win anymore
I'm pretty sure I'm just overreacting,"Hi everyone. I'm really not even in the mood to do this, but I don't want to be alone now. I'm having a breakdown and considering suicide. I think I'm overreacting to something, but I don't want to be judged right now. Can I ask that there be little to no judgement towards me please? I'm not in the right here, but I just want peace.

​

So today, my boss of a year told me she's relocating me. She said it's because of my body odor. She talked to me in January about it and I told her I'm doing my best. She told me today I was doing better but today it's been ""the worse it's been since then.""

I'm absolutely devastated. I have depression and schizophrenia, but I still brush my hair, brush my teeth, use deodorant, and body spray. I don't shower often because I have bad memories of when I was younger, I had severe eczema, and my skin would burn and peel when water touched it. I'm terrified of showers now. 

I know I have a responsibility to take care of myself, but it's so hard when I'm TRYING but no one seems to care that I'm trying. I also know my boss has been stressed lately, but I feel like she forgot what I told her in January and is snapping at me.

She also just sent me an email.

"" In January we had conversation about hygiene one that I had been reluctant to have.  From that conversation I believed that you would rectify the situation. Over the the past few weeks hygiene has become an issue again.

I am not sure if I am able to assist you in figuring out how to go about resolving the problem. What I am sure of is that you are a great member of the team and I want you to continue to work in the office.""

I'm not even sure I want to be here anymore. I was feeling really good about myself today. I changed clothes, used deodorant and body spray, and brushed my hair for the first time in days. I'm also getting my first car tomorrow. I thought that I could have a week where I actually felt hopeful.

I know I'm overreacting, but I just feel horrible about myself. I called my dad crying and he told me it was my fault and that he isn't trying to ""hurt me"". I told him ""I shouldn't have even called anyone."" and hung up. 

I'm just really tired and considering overdosing when I clock out of work today. I have plenty of Zoloft, plenty of BuSpar, and one dose of hydrocodone. I just regret being here because I have my dog here with me on campus. I asked my dad to come and pick me up and he acted like I was asking him to move a mountain for me. Even though I pay for gas and food and bills. So I told him to wait until tomorrow, I just wouldn't go to work tomorrow.

I just really want to die because I feel so awful about myself. I feel like I'm not worthy of love. I feel like I'm not worthy of respect. I'm exhausted. I feel that it would be better if I was dead, so my boss wouldn't have to deal with me.",Vincebae,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1mrm/im_pretty_sure_im_just_overreacting/,hi everyone really even mood want alone breakdown considering suicide think overreacting something want judged right ask little judgement towards please right want peace amp x200b today bos year told relocating said body odor talked january told best told today wa better today worse since absolutely devastated depression schizophrenia still brush hair brush teeth use deodorant body spray shower often bad memory wa younger severe eczema skin would burn peel water touched terrified shower know responsibility take care hard trying one seems care trying also know bos ha stressed lately feel like forgot told january snapping also sent email january conversation hygiene one reluctant conversation believed would rectify situation past week hygiene ha become issue sure able assist figuring go resolving problem sure great member team want continue work office even sure want anymore wa feeling really good today changed clothes used deodorant body spray brushed hair first time day also getting first car tomorrow thought could week actually felt hopeful know overreacting feel horrible called dad cry told wa fault trying hurt told even called anyone hung really tired considering overdosing clock work today plenty zoloft plenty buspar one dose hydrocodone regret dog campus asked dad come pick acted like wa asking move mountain even though pay gas food bill told wait tomorrow go work tomorrow really want die feel awful feel like worthy love feel like worthy respect exhausted feel would better wa dead bos deal,pretty sure overreacting,vince bae,2851,37,vince bae hi everyone really even mood want alone breakdown considering suicide think overreacting something want judged right ask little judgement towards please right want peace amp x200b today bos year told relocating said body odor talked january told best told today wa better today worse since absolutely devastated depression schizophrenia still brush hair brush teeth use deodorant body spray shower often bad memory wa younger severe eczema skin would burn peel water touched terrified shower know responsibility take care hard trying one seems care trying also know bos ha stressed lately feel like forgot told january snapping also sent email january conversation hygiene one reluctant conversation believed would rectify situation past week hygiene ha become issue sure able assist figuring go resolving problem sure great member team want continue work office even sure want anymore wa feeling really good today changed clothes used deodorant body spray brushed hair first time day also getting first car tomorrow thought could week actually felt hopeful know overreacting feel horrible called dad cry told wa fault trying hurt told even called anyone hung really tired considering overdosing clock work today plenty zoloft plenty buspar one dose hydrocodone regret dog campus asked dad come pick acted like wa asking move mountain even though pay gas food bill told wait tomorrow go work tomorrow really want die feel awful feel like worthy love feel like worthy respect exhausted feel would better wa dead bos deal pretty sure overreacting
I don’t want to live anymore,I can’t think of a reason to go on living anymore,hurplelavender,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd1m7j/i_dont_want_to_live_anymore/,think reason go living anymore,want live anymore,hur ple lavender,49,28,hur ple lavender think reason go living anymore want live anymore
idk whats going on with myself anymore (kind of a rant),"i haven’t posted here in a while, been stressing over school, and my parents got me on meds, but nothing has really changed. i still hate every single thing about my body, idk wtf will happen to me in the future, and idek if i want to be a boy or a girl. so yea, i’m pretty much spiraling again.",raving_homosexual20,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvy4p/idk_whats_going_on_with_myself_anymore_kind_of_a/,posted stressing school parent got med nothing ha really changed still hate every single thing body idk wtf happen future idek want boy girl yea pretty much spiraling,idk whats going anymore kind rant,raving homosexual 20,295,55,raving homosexual 20 posted stressing school parent got med nothing ha really changed still hate every single thing body idk wtf happen future idek want boy girl yea pretty much spiraling idk whats going anymore kind rant
I always feel like killing myself on my birthday.,"Turning 31 on Friday. Every year since I was maybe 12 or 13 I have felt this way. Once in awhile I want to see friends, party, indulge. But that lasts for mere minutes. Then the doom and gloom sets in and all I think about is really sticking it to everyone and offing myself on my birthday. I feel like I only stay alive so no one's ""feelings get hurt"" 

I'm at a point now not only am I just drowning in self loathing...I literally live to pay bills and make sure everyone is happy. 

I can no longer financially, mentally or physically afford to stay alive.  If I do it. I want to write a really really mean note to make sure everyone just stays mad and is glad I'm dead. I want to spill everyone's secrets and turn everyone against one another. They wont miss me. They'll be too wrapped up embarrassed by their own actions that I'll unveil. 

I'm sad. I'm angry. I hate myself and everything...except my dog. I'm pathetic and I suck and I just want it all to be over.",vanillasnail,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcxxpa/i_always_feel_like_killing_myself_on_my_birthday/,turning 31 friday every year since wa maybe 12 13 felt way awhile want see friend party indulge last mere minute doom gloom set think really sticking everyone offing birthday feel like stay alive one feeling get hurt point drowning self loathing literally live pay bill make sure everyone happy longer financially mentally physically afford stay alive want write really really mean note make sure everyone stay mad glad dead want spill everyone secret turn everyone one another wont miss wrapped embarrassed action unveil sad angry hate everything except dog pathetic suck want,always feel like killing birthday,vanilla snail,970,49,vanilla snail turning 31 friday every year since wa maybe 12 13 felt way awhile want see friend party indulge last mere minute doom gloom set think really sticking everyone offing birthday feel like stay alive one feeling get hurt point drowning self loathing literally live pay bill make sure everyone happy longer financially mentally physically afford stay alive want write really really mean note make sure everyone stay mad glad dead want spill everyone secret turn everyone one another wont miss wrapped embarrassed action unveil sad angry hate everything except dog pathetic suck want always feel like killing birthday
I wish I could talk to someone about sucide that isn’t 100% against it.,I can’t talk to my therapist about it because she only wants to know if “I’m safe”. It just seems like she doesn’t actually care about me. They just don’t want to look bad for business I guess.,AbsorbedSky312,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcna08/i_wish_i_could_talk_to_someone_about_sucide_that/,talk therapist want know safe seems like actually care want look bad business guess,wish could talk someone sucide 100,absorbed sky 312,193,71,absorbed sky 312 talk therapist want know safe seems like actually care want look bad business guess wish could talk someone sucide 100
Just Alone,"I use to be more suicidal then i am now, i just feel alone.. i have no one to talk to, my mother is too busy with my sisters bull crap. and I just wish i had someone to talk to..

anyone else ever just feel alone, and thats your emotional side talking but your logical you knows that things can get better and so you cant kill yourself but you kinda just wish you'd get in a car crash or something",NostalgicStingray,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcxczi/just_alone/,use suicidal feel alone one talk mother busy sister bull crap wish someone talk anyone else ever feel alone thats emotional side talking logical know thing get better cant kill kinda wish get car crash something,alone,nostalgic stingray,397,10,nostalgic stingray use suicidal feel alone one talk mother busy sister bull crap wish someone talk anyone else ever feel alone thats emotional side talking logical know thing get better cant kill kinda wish get car crash something alone
It’s been the first bight in a while that I’ve considered potentially taking my life.,"*night 

I thought I was doing ok, despite the fact my entire world has been turned upside down and my heart is broken, but it’s finally hit me.",momerathsx,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0wty/its_been_the_first_bight_in_a_while_that_ive/,night thought wa ok despite fact entire world ha turned upside heart broken finally hit,first bight considered potentially taking life,mom era th sx,144,85,mom era th sx night thought wa ok despite fact entire world ha turned upside heart broken finally hit first bight considered potentially taking life
Thats it,"So i failed my semester again for second time.
I always was the top grades on my class till i entered college and everything just fall .
Cant focus or study till i failed for first time in my life
And thats where i became depressed.
I was always that strange kid who dont think like a kid or play like them
I was just a smart kid who cant find a meaning for anything.
I wasnt sad but not that happy too .
Even when my dad died i felt nothing even so he tried to kill me twice but still did many good things to me .
I remember i only cried a little when i saw my sis crying really hard for him.
And then i became a depressed person after first year in college .
Going to uni was a hell for me
I just wanted to be alone and sleep forever.
Till recently i found the courage inside me to change my life 
I started nofap and started praying everyday and dieting .. deleted all video games and books or films i had.
Just to change my whole life and felt really good even so i had many faild attembs but tried to improve .
Now i got my grades and failed again..
I dont want to die now .. i finally found something i rly want to do. And want to improve my life
But unfortunally thats it for me
I know my mother gonna have like a heart attack if she saw my grades.. and me myself cant just live anymore.
I had enough of these empty feelings.
Its the 27th of this month
My last day.
Till then i will continue doing my ""life changing"" daily habbits and studying more than ever for last time to prove to myself i can do it like others before suiciding.
I know my english is shit rn im not a native speaker and not emotionaly stable to focus .
Just wanted to say some of the things inside me.",zeXas_99,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0w1d/thats_it/,failed semester second time always wa top grade class till entered college everything fall cant focus study till failed first time life thats became depressed wa always strange kid dont think like kid play like wa smart kid cant find meaning anything wasnt sad happy even dad died felt nothing even tried kill twice still many good thing remember cried little saw si cry really hard became depressed person first year college going uni wa hell wanted alone sleep forever till recently found courage inside change life started nofap started praying everyday dieting deleted video game book film change whole life felt really good even many faild attembs tried improve got grade failed dont want die finally found something rly want want improve life unfortunally thats know mother gonna like heart attack saw grade cant live anymore enough empty feeling 27th month last day till continue life changing daily habbits studying ever last time prove like others suiciding know english shit rn im native speaker emotionaly stable focus wanted say thing inside,thats,z ex 99,1679,8,z ex 99 failed semester second time always wa top grade class till entered college everything fall cant focus study till failed first time life thats became depressed wa always strange kid dont think like kid play like wa smart kid cant find meaning anything wasnt sad happy even dad died felt nothing even tried kill twice still many good thing remember cried little saw si cry really hard became depressed person first year college going uni wa hell wanted alone sleep forever till recently found courage inside change life started nofap started praying everyday dieting deleted video game book film change whole life felt really good even many faild attembs tried improve got grade failed dont want die finally found something rly want want improve life unfortunally thats know mother gonna like heart attack saw grade cant live anymore enough empty feeling 27th month last day till continue life changing daily habbits studying ever last time prove like others suiciding know english shit rn im native speaker emotionaly stable focus wanted say thing inside thats
Parents don’t get it,"I’m 16 I’ve been severely suicidal since I was 10. When I was around 11 I slit my wrists and my parents walked in when I was bleeding out. They said they were ‘busy’ working and gave me antiseptic cream and bandaids instead of taking me to the hospital my dad walked in later that night and cried over me and basically called me selfish. No one ever talked about it again and I never received help. I’m now in 11th grade and school has never been worse I’ve already had 2 pretty serious breakdowns and I’m  only 6 weeks in. Through extensive online research I found some ‘painless’ suicide methods and purchased the drugs and blades necessary to pull it off. I almost did it the other night but I want to finalise some things first. My mum is gone so just now I went to my dad for a final plea for help and when I told him he said “it’s all in your head” “ the 
only thing you have is self pity” etc. I just know I’m going to end it all pretty soon, I’m not sure when but almost definitely soon. Thx for reading if you made it this far :) appreciate it",sadquarius_,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fct9mt/parents_dont_get_it/,16 severely suicidal since wa 10 wa around 11 slit wrist parent walked wa bleeding said busy working gave antiseptic cream bandaids instead taking hospital dad walked later night cried basically called selfish one ever talked never received help 11th grade school ha never worse already 2 pretty serious breakdown 6 week extensive online research found painless suicide method purchased drug blade necessary pull almost night want finalise thing first mum gone went dad final plea help told said head thing self pity etc know going end pretty soon sure almost definitely soon thx reading made far appreciate,parent get,sad qu arius,1052,20,sad qu arius 16 severely suicidal since wa 10 wa around 11 slit wrist parent walked wa bleeding said busy working gave antiseptic cream bandaids instead taking hospital dad walked later night cried basically called selfish one ever talked never received help 11th grade school ha never worse already 2 pretty serious breakdown 6 week extensive online research found painless suicide method purchased drug blade necessary pull almost night want finalise thing first mum gone went dad final plea help told said head thing self pity etc know going end pretty soon sure almost definitely soon thx reading made far appreciate parent get
Another name on the suicide list,"Well, good evening ladies and gentlemen. 

Tonight i'm going to kill myself. There is no 
hope or desire to continue breathing. Loneliness does not want or plan to get away from me and I have already tried everything to escape but i will always be alone. I do not seek attention, advice, or a savior. All I want is to say goodbye, at least, to strangers who, in the same way if they knew me, would reject me. I am an extremely disposable being.

I feel very calm and I would like to hope with the idea that, when I die, I will be much calmer, but I cannot. I really don't want to die, but my life has no solution. Nobody can help me.

So, goodbye.",lbpforthis,21,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fckqmt/another_name_on_the_suicide_list/,well good evening lady gentleman tonight going kill hope desire continue breathing loneliness doe want plan get away already tried everything escape always alone seek attention advice savior want say goodbye least stranger way knew would reject extremely disposable feel calm would like hope idea die much calmer cannot really want die life ha solution nobody help goodbye,another name suicide list,lb p,647,32,lb p well good evening lady gentleman tonight going kill hope desire continue breathing loneliness doe want plan get away already tried everything escape always alone seek attention advice savior want say goodbye least stranger way knew would reject extremely disposable feel calm would like hope idea die much calmer cannot really want die life ha solution nobody help goodbye another name suicide list
It's so fucking hard to fight everyday.,"Since ""the Event"" my life changed, I became very mentally ill comparing to what was before, now I have this cycle of bad mental states all the time: debilitating anxiety, deep depression, suicidal ideation, every fucking day.

It's so hard even to do basic stuff, now I am gonna live? Honestly this is horrible way to live but I am fighting, I am really trying but it doesn't get better.

I don't want to die, but I don't know how much longer I can keep going.

And what for.

I am tired and scared.

I don't want to die.

But this is not how life supposed to be.",FairiesInsideMe,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd0jba/its_so_fucking_hard_to_fight_everyday/,since event life changed became mentally ill comparing wa cycle bad mental state time debilitating anxiety deep depression suicidal ideation every fucking day hard even basic stuff gonna live honestly horrible way live fighting really trying get better want die know much longer keep going tired scared want die life supposed,fucking hard fight everyday,fairy inside,563,39,fairy inside since event life changed became mentally ill comparing wa cycle bad mental state time debilitating anxiety deep depression suicidal ideation every fucking day hard even basic stuff gonna live honestly horrible way live fighting really trying get better want die know much longer keep going tired scared want die life supposed fucking hard fight everyday
I even failed at this,I tried to hang myself today. It didn't work. I don't know where to go from here or what to do. I guess I'll try again some other way.,Tums-Festival,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcwxbl/i_even_failed_at_this/,tried hang today work know go guess try way,even failed,tum festival,134,21,tum festival tried hang today work know go guess try way even failed
school makes me feel suicidal. does anyone have the same experiences,"hi, id like some advice if that’s possible. i suffer from extreme anxiety due to environmental and emotional stressors. this makes it extremely difficult to physically sit down and complete schoolwork before the deadline. i also miss a lot of classes because i am scared of confrontation.

just yesterday i submitted a late essay assigned a few weeks back that was half assed and didn’t even meet the page number requirements. this just perpetuates the existing anxiety because now i have to face the teacher tomorrow morning and possibly be questioned about my quality of work. i have a 504 plan but the thought of asking for extensions or additional help makes me feel pathetic.

anxiety + depression + an untreated eating disorder has caused my grades to falter ever since the start of last year . i am a senior in high school and am deathly afraid of being deferred from the colleges that i have been accepted to. the fact that i can’t keep up with high school work suggests that ill fail at college too

i’ve started becoming suicidal due to this. body dysmorphia makes it difficult just to step outside of my house. i have no friends, i am lonely and comfort myself with food, which i usually throw up after. the only people willing to listen to me are adults who are paid to do so

i fear that other people view me as undisciplined and lazy, or just plain stupid. there is no evidence against these perspectives as i keep all of my mental struggles hidden. in reality i am investing all of my energy just to haul my ass out of bed in the morning and get through the day. my mom works long shifts to sustain me but i as her child have nothing to offer in return- no friends or partners to introduce her to, no academic success or improvement, etc. on top of that she has to schedule all of my psych and therapy appointments which is difficult for her as a parent. she’d be better off if i weren’t here to burden her. 

i have a bunch of upcoming psych appointments and have my fingers crossed to be prescribed medicine. maybe i’d sulk less on some zoloft? but i know this isn’t a way out at least not a permanent one. 

i am tired and want it all to end. i know better than to end my life over a situation i’ll be out of in a few months but i can’t stand the thought of dealing with this any longer.",polycephalie,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcwtp7/school_makes_me_feel_suicidal_does_anyone_have/,hi id like advice possible suffer extreme anxiety due environmental emotional stressor make extremely difficult physically sit complete schoolwork deadline also miss lot class scared confrontation yesterday submitted late essay assigned week back wa half assed even meet page number requirement perpetuates existing anxiety face teacher tomorrow morning possibly questioned quality work 504 plan thought asking extension additional help make feel pathetic anxiety depression untreated eating disorder ha caused grade falter ever since start last year senior high school deathly afraid deferred college accepted fact keep high school work suggests ill fail college started becoming suicidal due body dysmorphia make difficult step outside house friend lonely comfort food usually throw people willing listen adult paid fear people view undisciplined lazy plain stupid evidence perspective keep mental struggle hidden reality investing energy haul bed morning get day mom work long shift sustain child nothing offer return friend partner introduce academic success improvement etc top ha schedule psych therapy appointment difficult parent better burden bunch upcoming psych appointment finger crossed prescribed medicine maybe sulk le zoloft know way least permanent one tired want end know better end life situation month stand thought dealing longer,school make feel suicidal doe anyone experience,poly ce pha lie,2305,68,poly ce pha lie hi id like advice possible suffer extreme anxiety due environmental emotional stressor make extremely difficult physically sit complete schoolwork deadline also miss lot class scared confrontation yesterday submitted late essay assigned week back wa half assed even meet page number requirement perpetuates existing anxiety face teacher tomorrow morning possibly questioned quality work 504 plan thought asking extension additional help make feel pathetic anxiety depression untreated eating disorder ha caused grade falter ever since start last year senior high school deathly afraid deferred college accepted fact keep high school work suggests ill fail college started becoming suicidal due body dysmorphia make difficult step outside house friend lonely comfort food usually throw people willing listen adult paid fear people view undisciplined lazy plain stupid evidence perspective keep mental struggle hidden reality investing energy haul bed morning get day mom work long shift sustain child nothing offer return friend partner introduce academic success improvement etc top ha schedule psych therapy appointment difficult parent better burden bunch upcoming psych appointment finger crossed prescribed medicine maybe sulk le zoloft know way least permanent one tired want end know better end life situation month stand thought dealing longer school make feel suicidal doe anyone experience
What is stopping me?,"It is very frustrating to have the feeling of ""today shall be the day"" and have every single little detail planned out and yet, it is suddenly so hard to execute it. 

So many fucking times I have held the knife over my wrist, had ropes tied to the ceiling and I just couldn't do it. I am not afraid, nor sad. Just.... a walking dead. Though I attempted many times too, but always failed.

I'm not sure how many of you feel the same but I just can't do it maybe because I'm curious to find out if there will be a brand new ending. 

I thought I had my last home cooked meal tonight and was going to end it all now. But ended up getting high off shit again. I wish something good happens for once. 

They all say life gets better... I really, truly don't see it. All these dreams and fantasies of having something good in my life is always destroyed by no other culprit than myself.

Can't wait for myself to be brave enough to end it",tripxan,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcwdq3/what_is_stopping_me/,frustrating feeling today shall day every single little detail planned yet suddenly hard execute many fucking time held knife wrist rope tied ceiling afraid sad walking dead though attempted many time always failed sure many feel maybe curious find brand new ending thought last home cooked meal tonight wa going end ended getting high shit wish something good happens say life get better really truly see dream fantasy something good life always destroyed culprit wait brave enough end,stopping,trip x,933,20,trip x frustrating feeling today shall day every single little detail planned yet suddenly hard execute many fucking time held knife wrist rope tied ceiling afraid sad walking dead though attempted many time always failed sure many feel maybe curious find brand new ending thought last home cooked meal tonight wa going end ended getting high shit wish something good happens say life get better really truly see dream fantasy something good life always destroyed culprit wait brave enough end stopping
Why do I question my sexuality if I'm never going to have sex?,I mean I'm going to live in my parents basement until I die so what does it matter if I'm gay or straight. Not like I'll actually do anything about it.,Souless_F0X,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcohhl/why_do_i_question_my_sexuality_if_im_never_going/,mean going live parent basement die doe matter gay straight like actually anything,question sexuality never going sex,u le f 0 x,151,62,u le f 0 x mean going live parent basement die doe matter gay straight like actually anything question sexuality never going sex
I can't take myself anymore,"I don't really know what im expecting of righting this but at this point i'm willing to do anything to stop this unbearable pain of existing.

I'm gonna give you a brief overview over my entire life and what exactly it is right now that lead me to the decision that my life is not worth living anymore.

Elementary School was hell. Had a teacher that sat me behind a bookshelf from which i wasnt even able to see the blackboard or participate in class because i was ""distracing"" the other children. The teacher videotaped me ""misbehaving"" in class to ridicule my parents and parentsmeetings. I was a smart kid. I was able to write and do basic math before i went to school. I was bored. When i was finished with my stuff I walked through the room and helped the children that were struggling. I dont see any misbehaving in that but maybe im wrong. Final report card was straight A's. Teacher still recommended that i go to a school for idiots. In my country this recommendation is on the report card. When i applied at ""normal"" schools not a single one wanted to teach me because of that recommendation which was just straigh up bullshit. In the end i found a school that saw my potential and didnt care about the recommendation. So i was able to get a decent education.

While all of that was happening home was hell. My dad was violent and abusive and my mother never intervened when he punched me in the face etc. i dont know if she did not care or if she was afraid. it doesnt matter to me. I felt and still feel abandoned. 

From age 9-12 my older brother was raping me over and over. Not like once a  month or something. EVERY SINGLE DAY. sometimes even multiple times. But who should i have asked for help? my father that is violent me? my mother that doesnt do shit? He even invited his friends to watch and spit on me.

With 14 i had the realization that i wasnt normal anymore. I wasnt talking alot. I stopped enjoying literally anything. Thats also when i started to cut myself.

Fast forward to me being 19. I finished school. Got my highschool diploma eventhough i was suffering from severe depression as i found out later. I also had 1 friend. Lets call her L. I got a job over 100 miles away from my parents. I moved out. Lived there in terrible conditions since i made almost no money. But i think i felt better. Im not sure since i was stoned most of the time. After 3 years living away from my parents L tried to commit suicide. I blame myself but i dont want to get into detail of why that is. She survived. I was there for her. I took all my years vacation to be there for her. 

6 Months later i live with my parents again since i was breaking down and wasnt able to take care of myself anymore. i admit myself to a mental hospital because i was highly suicidal and L urged me to do it. After i admitted myself L blocked me on all social media up to this day. This was 3 years ago. I stayed 3 months in the hospital and learned alot. I learned that i suffer from depression, paranoia, narcissm, have borderline personality disorder and have symptoms that might be a psychosis but no one can confirm or deny this. I was talking about all the stuff that happened to me. But i learned nothing to cope with that stuff. Or accept it. Or stop thinking about it constantly. 

Basically i was worse than before. Everything was fresh in my mind. But no one taught me how to deal with that stuff. But hospital said i was ""healed"".

I moved out from my parents again and got a job in a callcenter since that was the only thing available in my hometown. I got minimum wage, had to have crazy amounts of knowledge, had extreme stats i had to reach or i was laid off and i hated every second. I was sick alot. Like ALOT. Every 2-3 weeks i had something. From colds, flu, migrane etc.

I stayed for a whole year. Eventho i was sick often i had exceptional stats. 99% customer satisfaction with extremely low talk time etc. Then i quit. I couldnt take it anymore. The constant pressure. Knowing that i will never be promoted no matter how good i am. Constant stuggle with money. I was miserable.

So i went into a different mental hospital. Did dialectic behavioural therapy instead of trauma therapy. Learned to use skills. Which is basically just finding something to occupy your brain so you stop thinking your sick sad thoughts. Does it solve anything? No, not at all. Do i feel better? No.

In therapy i found a girlfriend. She is perfect. She talks with me. She is understanding. But im struggling so hard since i have this paranoia that literally any person on this planet is just trying to hurt me. I trust her. I know that my thoughts are not real. But it hurts so fucking much. Just a few days ago she got her period. Almost 2 weeks earlier than expected. My thought process to this situation was. ""Well she was partying with her friends last weekend. She probably fucked a dude there, got Plan-B and one the side effects is that your period might come earlier or later than expected."" Like what the hell? How do you even come up with something like that? I feels like i just want to hurt myself. I should be happy. She is doing everything she can. And i cant appreciate it since my mind is just thinking up storys to hurt me. This literally makes me feel like im insane. Why would i do that to me?

Now im unemployed. Get my money from health insurance. Well for the next week that is. My psychiatrist told me that he wont be writing me sick any longer. He gave me no reason why he wont continue since he is 100% aware of my mental state. That means i dont get any money from my health insurance anymore since they think im healthy. Which means i have to get money from the state for being umemployed. Getting money from the state in my country means that you are required to apply for jobs. For ANY job that the state choses for you. If you dont apply (and show up to interviews or decline a job offer) they wont give you money. Like literally 0.

I cant work. I cant even apply for a job. Im not even able to keep my small flat clean or keep care of myself. 

I dont know what to do anymore. I just want the pain to stop.",dreksta,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fczi5h/i_cant_take_myself_anymore/,really know im expecting righting point willing anything stop unbearable pain existing gonna give brief overview entire life exactly right lead decision life worth living anymore elementary school wa hell teacher sat behind bookshelf wasnt even able see blackboard participate class wa distracing child teacher videotaped misbehaving class ridicule parent parentsmeetings wa smart kid wa able write basic math went school wa bored wa finished stuff walked room helped child struggling dont see misbehaving maybe im wrong final report card wa straight teacher still recommended go school idiot country recommendation report card applied normal school single one wanted teach recommendation wa straigh bullshit end found school saw potential didnt care recommendation wa able get decent education wa happening home wa hell dad wa violent abusive mother never intervened punched face etc dont know care wa afraid doesnt matter felt still feel abandoned age 9 12 older brother wa raping like month something every single day sometimes even multiple time asked help father violent mother doesnt shit even invited friend watch spit 14 realization wasnt normal anymore wasnt talking alot stopped enjoying literally anything thats also started cut fast forward 19 finished school got highschool diploma eventhough wa suffering severe depression found later also 1 friend let call l got job 100 mile away parent moved lived terrible condition since made almost money think felt better im sure since wa stoned time 3 year living away parent l tried commit suicide blame dont want get detail survived wa took year vacation 6 month later live parent since wa breaking wasnt able take care anymore admit mental hospital wa highly suicidal l urged admitted l blocked social medium day wa 3 year ago stayed 3 month hospital learned alot learned suffer depression paranoia narcissm borderline personality disorder symptom might psychosis one confirm deny wa talking stuff happened learned nothing cope stuff accept stop thinking constantly basically wa worse everything wa fresh mind one taught deal stuff hospital said wa healed moved parent got job callcenter since wa thing available hometown got minimum wage crazy amount knowledge extreme stats reach wa laid hated every second wa sick alot like alot every 2 3 week something cold flu migrane etc stayed whole year eventho wa sick often exceptional stats 99 customer satisfaction extremely low talk time etc quit couldnt take anymore constant pressure knowing never promoted matter good constant stuggle money wa miserable went different mental hospital dialectic behavioural therapy instead trauma therapy learned use skill basically finding something occupy brain stop thinking sick sad thought doe solve anything feel better therapy found girlfriend perfect talk understanding im struggling hard since paranoia literally person planet trying hurt trust know thought real hurt fucking much day ago got period almost 2 week earlier expected thought process situation wa well wa partying friend last weekend probably fucked dude got plan b one side effect period might come earlier later expected like hell even come something like feel like want hurt happy everything cant appreciate since mind thinking story hurt literally make feel like im insane would im unemployed get money health insurance well next week psychiatrist told wont writing sick longer gave reason wont continue since 100 aware mental state mean dont get money health insurance anymore since think im healthy mean get money state umemployed getting money state country mean required apply job job state choses dont apply show interview decline job offer wont give money like literally 0 cant work cant even apply job im even able keep small flat clean keep care dont know anymore want pain stop,take anymore,drek st,6139,27,drek st really know im expecting righting point willing anything stop unbearable pain existing gonna give brief overview entire life exactly right lead decision life worth living anymore elementary school wa hell teacher sat behind bookshelf wasnt even able see blackboard participate class wa distracing child teacher videotaped misbehaving class ridicule parent parentsmeetings wa smart kid wa able write basic math went school wa bored wa finished stuff walked room helped child struggling dont see misbehaving maybe im wrong final report card wa straight teacher still recommended go school idiot country recommendation report card applied normal school single one wanted teach recommendation wa straigh bullshit end found school saw potential didnt care recommendation wa able get decent education wa happening home wa hell dad wa violent abusive mother never intervened punched face etc dont know care wa afraid doesnt matter felt still feel abandoned age 9 12 older brother wa raping like month something every single day sometimes even multiple time asked help father violent mother doesnt shit even invited friend watch spit 14 realization wasnt normal anymore wasnt talking alot stopped enjoying literally anything thats also started cut fast forward 19 finished school got highschool diploma eventhough wa suffering severe depression found later also 1 friend let call l got job 100 mile away parent moved lived terrible condition since made almost money think felt better im sure since wa stoned time 3 year living away parent l tried commit suicide blame dont want get detail survived wa took year vacation 6 month later live parent since wa breaking wasnt able take care anymore admit mental hospital wa highly suicidal l urged admitted l blocked social medium day wa 3 year ago stayed 3 month hospital learned alot learned suffer depression paranoia narcissm borderline personality disorder symptom might psychosis one confirm deny wa talking stuff happened learned nothing cope stuff accept stop thinking constantly basically wa worse everything wa fresh mind one taught deal stuff hospital said wa healed moved parent got job callcenter since wa thing available hometown got minimum wage crazy amount knowledge extreme stats reach wa laid hated every second wa sick alot like alot every 2 3 week something cold flu migrane etc stayed whole year eventho wa sick often exceptional stats 99 customer satisfaction extremely low talk time etc quit couldnt take anymore constant pressure knowing never promoted matter good constant stuggle money wa miserable went different mental hospital dialectic behavioural therapy instead trauma therapy learned use skill basically finding something occupy brain stop thinking sick sad thought doe solve anything feel better therapy found girlfriend perfect talk understanding im struggling hard since paranoia literally person planet trying hurt trust know thought real hurt fucking much day ago got period almost 2 week earlier expected thought process situation wa well wa partying friend last weekend probably fucked dude got plan b one side effect period might come earlier later expected like hell even come something like feel like want hurt happy everything cant appreciate since mind thinking story hurt literally make feel like im insane would im unemployed get money health insurance well next week psychiatrist told wont writing sick longer gave reason wont continue since 100 aware mental state mean dont get money health insurance anymore since think im healthy mean get money state umemployed getting money state country mean required apply job job state choses dont apply show interview decline job offer wont give money like literally 0 cant work cant even apply job im even able keep small flat clean keep care dont know anymore want pain stop take anymore
I’m so tired,"I’m only 16. I’ve been constantly denied the help I know i need since i was 12. I’m too tired to go on anymore. I’m too anxious to leave my house. That’s why I dropped out. I want to quit but I know that would be selfish. Whenever i’m feeling suicidal I always think about my birds, my dogs, my cat. Every morning my puppy greets me when i wake up. What would happen if one day i just didn’t come out of my room? I feel so helpless. I’m stuck in a cycle of wanting to fucking kill myself, but realize I cant. 

I haven’t even become a real adult yet. All i can think about is my lack of skills. I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m so mad at myself all the time. Everything I do results in a burning anger inside. I just want it to stop.",throwawayy3772,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvre8/im_so_tired/,16 constantly denied help know need since wa 12 tired go anymore anxious leave house dropped want quit know would selfish whenever feeling suicidal always think bird dog cat every morning puppy greets wake would happen one day come room feel helpless stuck cycle wanting fucking kill realize cant even become real adult yet think lack skill nothing offer anyone mad time everything result burning anger inside want stop,tired,throwaway 3772,736,12,throwaway 3772 16 constantly denied help know need since wa 12 tired go anymore anxious leave house dropped want quit know would selfish whenever feeling suicidal always think bird dog cat every morning puppy greets wake would happen one day come room feel helpless stuck cycle wanting fucking kill realize cant even become real adult yet think lack skill nothing offer anyone mad time everything result burning anger inside want stop tired
Tonight I wanna end it all,"It all started 2 years ago when on my 15th birthday my friend gifted me a video game called CSGO and I though it was gonna be the best thing ever as I was new to gaming. Then I met a guy from the UK by the name Nukes on steam ( a gaming platform) and he was good friends with me for a year we used to play sometimes and chit chat about csgo trading and stuff. And then my next birthday I decided to buying a $100 steam wallet code with all my saving of past year + birthday money ( its a big deal for me as I dont have a job yet student nor rich) and Nukes told me his ideas and how it would be great if I could send it to him and he could get me profit from trading items in the game ( he was on steam for 3-4 years already) so like any innocent person I went with it. Then it started. Me finding out he lied to me and started blackmailing me, acting racist to me, forcing me to do stuff like shaving my eveybrows and calling his friend the n word on tape if I wanted my money back, I was naive and though if this is how I could get my money back it wont be a big deal. It went on from there, he moved on to asking my socials and always under the pretext one last thing you need to do, I was getting severely cyber bullied and abused day and night but didn't tell anyone and use to cry everyday at night. He even went on stalk my youtube channel make more false promises, message my real life friends when I tried to block him and lure me back. It has made me really sucidal over the last 2 years and now I can't live with this anymore. I never though like would be this bad and for my lost money I would lose so much more as far as my will to live.",anon28282882,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcz90q/tonight_i_wanna_end_it_all/,started 2 year ago 15th birthday friend gifted video game called csgo though wa gonna best thing ever wa new gaming met guy uk name nuke steam gaming platform wa good friend year used play sometimes chit chat csgo trading stuff next birthday decided buying 100 steam wallet code saving past year birthday money big deal dont job yet student rich nuke told idea would great could send could get profit trading item game wa steam 3 4 year already like innocent person went started finding lied started blackmailing acting racist forcing stuff like shaving eveybrows calling friend n word tape wanted money back wa naive though could get money back wont big deal went moved asking social always pretext one last thing need wa getting severely cyber bullied abused day night tell anyone use cry everyday night even went stalk youtube channel make false promise message real life friend tried block lure back ha made really sucidal last 2 year live anymore never though like would bad lost money would lose much far live,tonight wanna end,28282882,1650,26,28282882 started 2 year ago 15th birthday friend gifted video game called csgo though wa gonna best thing ever wa new gaming met guy uk name nuke steam gaming platform wa good friend year used play sometimes chit chat csgo trading stuff next birthday decided buying 100 steam wallet code saving past year birthday money big deal dont job yet student rich nuke told idea would great could send could get profit trading item game wa steam 3 4 year already like innocent person went started finding lied started blackmailing acting racist forcing stuff like shaving eveybrows calling friend n word tape wanted money back wa naive though could get money back wont big deal went moved asking social always pretext one last thing need wa getting severely cyber bullied abused day night tell anyone use cry everyday night even went stalk youtube channel make false promise message real life friend tried block lure back ha made really sucidal last 2 year live anymore never though like would bad lost money would lose much far live tonight wanna end
wish i could disappear right this very instant. i am so so so exhausted and theres a feeling of hatred deep within my chest that i cant quite shake off. i dont know if i want to die or if i should just calm the fuck down. i really hate myself. truly,i just want to disappear painlessly,yelxel26,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvpi5/wish_i_could_disappear_right_this_very_instant_i/,want disappear painlessly,wish could disappear right instant exhausted feeling hatred deep within chest cant quite shake dont know want die calm fuck really hate truly,yel x el 26,35,249,yel x el 26 want disappear painlessly wish could disappear right instant exhausted feeling hatred deep within chest cant quite shake dont know want die calm fuck really hate truly
Suicide,"I'll probably do it in my middle age. I don't want to die old and helpless. For now, I'll push on and I'll do my best for others even if it means dying.",vKolibri,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fctzti/suicide/,probably middle age want die old helpless push best others even mean dying,suicide,v ko libri,152,7,v ko libri probably middle age want die old helpless push best others even mean dying suicide
I have no reasons to keep going,"I've lost everything. I fucked up my entire life and it's all my doing. Terrible people like me should not stay alive.
I lost my relationship with a wondeful person who I treated terribly, my home, my family, my friends, my job, my car, EVERYTHING. Everything I owned was in my car and it got towed while I was living in that car just trying to get back on my feet. And I can't afford to get my car back. Now I'm on the streets and I have no one. Not even my family wants to help anymore. And who can blame them? I have been nothing but a complete disappointment to everyone who has ever had love for and showed me kindness. I have hurt and betrayed everyone in my life. I even did an analysis of my life last night and I realized that I have NEVER succeeded in ANYTHING. I have failed at absolutely everything in my life. I couldn't even finish high school. I'm a complete and total failure. Only thing that has kept me from ending it all is that I'm only 22, so I feel like maybe things could get better until I remembered that I'm most likely going to fucking JAIL because I couldn't take the classes that court appointed me to take. My life is so fucked. I'm so close to just hanging myself or jumping in front of a fucking train.",HomelessDomeless,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvldr/i_have_no_reasons_to_keep_going/,lost everything fucked entire life terrible people like stay alive lost relationship wondeful person treated terribly home family friend job car everything everything owned wa car got towed wa living car trying get back foot afford get car back street one even family want help anymore blame nothing complete disappointment everyone ha ever love showed kindness hurt betrayed everyone life even analysis life last night realized never succeeded anything failed absolutely everything life even finish high school complete total failure thing ha kept ending 22 feel like maybe thing could get better remembered likely going fucking jail take class court appointed take life fucked close hanging jumping front fucking train,reason keep going,homeless dome le,1234,31,homeless dome le lost everything fucked entire life terrible people like stay alive lost relationship wondeful person treated terribly home family friend job car everything everything owned wa car got towed wa living car trying get back foot afford get car back street one even family want help anymore blame nothing complete disappointment everyone ha ever love showed kindness hurt betrayed everyone life even analysis life last night realized never succeeded anything failed absolutely everything life even finish high school complete total failure thing ha kept ending 22 feel like maybe thing could get better remembered likely going fucking jail take class court appointed take life fucked close hanging jumping front fucking train reason keep going
Done fighting,"On mobile so if my formatting sucks, well that’s another thing I’ve failed at.

I’ve been fighting my whole life to survive. I was severely abused and neglected as a child. My childhood was a constant battle, being beaten, starved, mentally abused and broken down. 
As a teen I was sexually assaulted at 14 by step brother then my “best friend” at 15. Still being mentally abused by my mother. Which led to a suicide attempt at 16, I took a bottle of Xanax and oxy. Sadly, I was found woke up in the hospital having a tube being shoved down my throat and the taste of charcoal. Soon after I got in a relationship with a man who cut me off from my friends and family. Beat me and made to tell me how worthless I am on a daily basis. Got away at 18 almost 19. Which involved him stalking me and terrorizing me. Ive been struggling with a eating disorder that whole time. At 19 met my soon to be ex husband he was never abusive just clueless, everything I did was never good enough. Never validated my feelings. I had 5 children from 21-29. I left my husband at 30, got in a relationship with another man. Who ended up abusing me. He raped me, beat me, and mentally abused me. He also introduced me to drugs. Now I’ve been struggling with addiction, and an eating disorder. I left him 4 months in that was last year. Pressed charges, my soon to be ex husband has given me a place to stay because he needs the nanny. But his mom is moving in. And I’m going to be homeless, I know my kids deserve so much more than a mentally broken mother who is so withdrawn. So I gave custody freely to him. I am so tired of struggling with my thoughts. I have been fighting my whole life. I can’t anymore. 

I have a plan next week to get a hotel and make it look like a accidental overdose so my ex gets all the life insurance money. 

Btw this post can’t even be linked to me, I have two phones. My main one is the one everyone knows about. I use a vpm on this phone. So there’s no way they would know I posted this when I took my life. 

I just don’t think I can do it anymore.",contemplatingthrowaw,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcyxbr/done_fighting/,mobile formatting suck well another thing failed fighting whole life survive wa severely abused neglected child childhood wa constant battle beaten starved mentally abused broken teen wa sexually assaulted 14 step brother best friend 15 still mentally abused mother led suicide attempt 16 took bottle xanax oxy sadly wa found woke hospital tube shoved throat taste charcoal soon got relationship man cut friend family beat made tell worthless daily basis got away 18 almost 19 involved stalking terrorizing ive struggling eating disorder whole time 19 met soon ex husband wa never abusive clueless everything wa never good enough never validated feeling 5 child 21 29 left husband 30 got relationship another man ended abusing raped beat mentally abused also introduced drug struggling addiction eating disorder left 4 month wa last year pressed charge soon ex husband ha given place stay need nanny mom moving going homeless know kid deserve much mentally broken mother withdrawn gave custody freely tired struggling thought fighting whole life anymore plan next week get hotel make look like accidental overdose ex get life insurance money btw post even linked two phone main one one everyone know use vpm phone way would know posted took life think anymore,done fighting,contemplating throw aw,2062,13,contemplating throw aw mobile formatting suck well another thing failed fighting whole life survive wa severely abused neglected child childhood wa constant battle beaten starved mentally abused broken teen wa sexually assaulted 14 step brother best friend 15 still mentally abused mother led suicide attempt 16 took bottle xanax oxy sadly wa found woke hospital tube shoved throat taste charcoal soon got relationship man cut friend family beat made tell worthless daily basis got away 18 almost 19 involved stalking terrorizing ive struggling eating disorder whole time 19 met soon ex husband wa never abusive clueless everything wa never good enough never validated feeling 5 child 21 29 left husband 30 got relationship another man ended abusing raped beat mentally abused also introduced drug struggling addiction eating disorder left 4 month wa last year pressed charge soon ex husband ha given place stay need nanny mom moving going homeless know kid deserve much mentally broken mother withdrawn gave custody freely tired struggling thought fighting whole life anymore plan next week get hotel make look like accidental overdose ex get life insurance money btw post even linked two phone main one one everyone know use vpm phone way would know posted took life think anymore done fighting
"All I feel every day, all day is a kind of hum of mental and physical pain and I just want it to stop. I want encouragement to go through with it.","On paper things should seem fine, the few people I've told I want to kill myself on a constant basis brush it off as me being hyperbolic or something. I think about suicide every day and I have for a very long time. Every day is just a physical underlying pain, that I can't really pinpoint.  I just want it to stop. The depression or whatever, doesn't ever go away, no matter if I change my work, have money or dont, with or without romantic partners, or how my social life is doing. I can't seem to dig out any actual real trauma. I just want to die, and I think about it all of the time, but I'm just too much of a coward to go through with it, so far. I just want help to end this.",DrWhoDatBtchz,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fctu0d/all_i_feel_every_day_all_day_is_a_kind_of_hum_of/,paper thing seem fine people told want kill constant basis brush hyperbolic something think suicide every day long time every day physical underlying pain really pinpoint want stop depression whatever ever go away matter change work money dont without romantic partner social life seem dig actual real trauma want die think time much coward go far want help end,feel every day day kind hum mental physical pain want stop want encouragement go,dr dat btc hz,685,146,dr dat btc hz paper thing seem fine people told want kill constant basis brush hyperbolic something think suicide every day long time every day physical underlying pain really pinpoint want stop depression whatever ever go away matter change work money dont without romantic partner social life seem dig actual real trauma want die think time much coward go far want help end feel every day day kind hum mental physical pain want stop want encouragement go
Why,I've tried a good 10 to 11 times in the past year but each have failed yet I still want to try and will try more cos mostly everything is useless. Does the number of failed attempts mean anything or do I have some weird luck,talal523,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcywuh/why/,tried good 10 11 time past year failed yet still want try try co mostly everything useless doe number failed attempt mean anything weird luck,,talal 523,224,3,talal 523 tried good 10 11 time past year failed yet still want try try co mostly everything useless doe number failed attempt mean anything weird luck 
stuff this existence,"I'm in my senior year and I have been depressed and suicidal for about 6 years. I plan on hanging myself after I graduate because I will need to start working and I don't see any point when I feel like shit and I have no future.  I hear everybody talking about going to college, getting married, having kids in the future, and I will be dead. I stopped doing my school work because it doesn't matter anymore. The work is piling up and I feel so goddamn worthless. Everybody else is becoming so successful and I am becoming more of a failure. I am going to fail my senior year and become such a disapointment to my family. Nothing matters to me anymore. My parents think I'm going to college but I'm not. Fuck I'm in so much emotional pain and idk what to do anymore.",uncomfortabledisgust,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcssbb/stuff_this_existence/,senior year depressed suicidal 6 year plan hanging graduate need start working see point feel like shit future hear everybody talking going college getting married kid future dead stopped school work matter anymore work piling feel goddamn worthless everybody else becoming successful becoming failure going fail senior year become disapointment family nothing matter anymore parent think going college fuck much emotional pain idk anymore,stuff existence,uncomfortable disgust,766,20,uncomfortable disgust senior year depressed suicidal 6 year plan hanging graduate need start working see point feel like shit future hear everybody talking going college getting married kid future dead stopped school work matter anymore work piling feel goddamn worthless everybody else becoming successful becoming failure going fail senior year become disapointment family nothing matter anymore parent think going college fuck much emotional pain idk anymore stuff existence
I can't do anything right and I'm too scared to follow through with this but here's how I imagine it would be,"Burial By the Sea

I want the waves to sing me their lullaby 

I want my last sight to be blue

I want to wait five more minutes and see if dolphins guide me somewhere new

It'll be near the cliff side

It'll be near the shore

It'll be so that the sand covers my body to be seen nevermore

Perhaps inside of a tent

To disguise the sight from the tourists' naked eyes

Perhaps outside of the caves

To refrain from having my spirit be alone in the dark

Maybe I'll see stars

Maybe I'll see the moon 

But most likely it'll be when the sun sets after noon 

I think it'll be peaceful 

Not so much for those who find me

But I won't know

Because I'll be home",alexannyBA,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcr7zb/i_cant_do_anything_right_and_im_too_scared_to/,burial sea want wave sing lullaby want last sight blue want wait five minute see dolphin guide somewhere new near cliff side near shore sand cover body seen nevermore perhaps inside tent disguise sight tourist naked eye perhaps outside cave refrain spirit alone dark maybe see star maybe see moon likely sun set noon think peaceful much find know home,anything right scared follow imagine would,alex ann yba,660,109,alex ann yba burial sea want wave sing lullaby want last sight blue want wait five minute see dolphin guide somewhere new near cliff side near shore sand cover body seen nevermore perhaps inside tent disguise sight tourist naked eye perhaps outside cave refrain spirit alone dark maybe see star maybe see moon likely sun set noon think peaceful much find know home anything right scared follow imagine would
Quite a lot of suicidal thoughts lately....,"So this is getting straight out of fucking hand. I'm a young male, studying and I feel like whatever's this feeling (Anxiety? Depression? Stress? I have no fucking clue!) Is catching up with me. Now: supposedly I have a loving family, friends.... All that shit you already know. But I don't want to talk to them, not even my gf, in whom I'd trust almost anything. Grades are fucking reverse skyrocketing. I CAN'T get myself to sit down and study shit. I'm probably going to fail music, even although I have been taught music in a music school for about 7 years. I just don't understand some subjects and probably won't at all. Worst part is we are having a trip to Ireland before the summer break, and you are automatically chosen out if you fail 2 or more subjects. I will probably fail French, Music, Spanish, Math, and most likely Physics and chemistry. Now, of all of those I just used to struggle with math BTW.

So just recently I've started cutting myself again. Not serious wounds straight in the veins. But cuts in my left hand and arm which stay there for quite a while. I will most likely continue doing so as my grades keep coming in. I will most likely get any source of music taken away from me (PC, Mp3, Phone....) And this won't help at all with the situation. 

Also recently I started going out with a girl I liked since 2-3 years ago, and she has liked me for the same time. This is the first relationship for both of us. None of us has ever kissed, made out with anyone, etc. And we are both really shy. And I have had friends since the start of the relationship (We've been together for 3 months now) trying to pressure both of us into making out. I, as the coward I am, obviously couldn't make it happen despite her FUCKING TELLING ME SHE WANTS TO. 

And I've also had quite a high number of suicidal thoughts lately. Mostly think of how could I do it...
Think of hanging myself, OD to death, find a gun somewhere (not common at all in my country) and blow my head off, cut myself, tie a rope around my neck and stretch it so hard I die, sealing my swimming pool while turning on the water for it to slowly rise and drown me, put a toaster with me in the bath.... I'm quite creative, really....

Also I've been finding it hard to find reasons to stay alive. I feel like a burden for my GF and family, only see myself as a weight they must lift to carry on and never, ever, feel like doing something useful that someone would be thankful for.",Mario_CarCal,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvamc/quite_a_lot_of_suicidal_thoughts_lately/,getting straight fucking hand young male studying feel like whatever feeling anxiety depression stress fucking clue catching supposedly loving family friend shit already know want talk even gf trust almost anything grade fucking reverse skyrocketing get sit study shit probably going fail music even although taught music music school 7 year understand subject probably worst part trip ireland summer break automatically chosen fail 2 subject probably fail french music spanish math likely physic chemistry used struggle math btw recently started cutting serious wound straight vein cut left hand arm stay quite likely continue grade keep coming likely get source music taken away pc mp3 phone help situation also recently started going girl liked since 2 3 year ago ha liked time first relationship u none u ha ever kissed made anyone etc really shy friend since start relationship together 3 month trying pressure u making coward obviously make happen despite fucking telling want also quite high number suicidal thought lately mostly think could think hanging od death find gun somewhere common country blow head cut tie rope around neck stretch hard die sealing swimming pool turning water slowly rise drown put toaster bath quite creative really also finding hard find reason stay alive feel like burden gf family see weight must lift carry never ever feel like something useful someone would thankful,quite lot suicidal thought lately,mario car cal,2463,43,mario car cal getting straight fucking hand young male studying feel like whatever feeling anxiety depression stress fucking clue catching supposedly loving family friend shit already know want talk even gf trust almost anything grade fucking reverse skyrocketing get sit study shit probably going fail music even although taught music music school 7 year understand subject probably worst part trip ireland summer break automatically chosen fail 2 subject probably fail french music spanish math likely physic chemistry used struggle math btw recently started cutting serious wound straight vein cut left hand arm stay quite likely continue grade keep coming likely get source music taken away pc mp3 phone help situation also recently started going girl liked since 2 3 year ago ha liked time first relationship u none u ha ever kissed made anyone etc really shy friend since start relationship together 3 month trying pressure u making coward obviously make happen despite fucking telling want also quite high number suicidal thought lately mostly think could think hanging od death find gun somewhere common country blow head cut tie rope around neck stretch hard die sealing swimming pool turning water slowly rise drown put toaster bath quite creative really also finding hard find reason stay alive feel like burden gf family see weight must lift carry never ever feel like something useful someone would thankful quite lot suicidal thought lately
Help.,"I wake up every morning not wanting to exist. My dad died last month and now I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. He had been depressed for a long time and we often talked about mental health with each other. His mother had committed suicide via overdose when he was quite young. He died of natural causes in his sleep, and I just want to join him. I want to find the power to continue living but every day is a battle and I just don’t know how to cope anymore. My thoughts have been getting darker and darker by the day and I’m beginning to fear myself. I’d like to reach out to people for help but I’ve never been able to do that; I feel like I have a mental barrier and just can’t get past it to better myself. Any advice on taking first steps to recovery?",MyWifeLeftMe20YrsAgo,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcv9ae/help/,wake every morning wanting exist dad died last month get thought head depressed long time often talked mental health mother committed suicide via overdose wa quite young died natural cause sleep want join want find power continue living every day battle know cope anymore thought getting darker darker day beginning fear like reach people help never able feel like mental barrier get past better advice taking first step recovery,help,wife left 20 yr ago,765,5,wife left 20 yr ago wake every morning wanting exist dad died last month get thought head depressed long time often talked mental health mother committed suicide via overdose wa quite young died natural cause sleep want join want find power continue living every day battle know cope anymore thought getting darker darker day beginning fear like reach people help never able feel like mental barrier get past better advice taking first step recovery help
What do you do when you feel suicidal?,I have been recently writing my thoughts on a note app whenever I feel suicidal. Sometimes it helps. How about you? What are your ways of coping when it happens?,angelasyy,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcsoxx/what_do_you_do_when_you_feel_suicidal/,recently writing thought note app whenever feel suicidal sometimes help way coping happens,feel suicidal,angel yy,161,38,angel yy recently writing thought note app whenever feel suicidal sometimes help way coping happens feel suicidal
Someone to talk to before suicide,"This is a weird question, but is there someplace I can call and talk to someone before I go? I don't want to be talked out of it. I just want one last, good conversation.",TexasViolet,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcyhc9/someone_to_talk_to_before_suicide/,weird question someplace call talk someone go want talked want one last good conversation,someone talk suicide,texas violet,170,33,texas violet weird question someplace call talk someone go want talked want one last good conversation someone talk suicide
The sad truth. My first post and my last post,"Firstly English is not my first language it my third actually so if there an error no it not because it my third language I’m just dumb 

Anyway I’m here to say well u people already seen it all in this sub or if u been around depression a lot stuff like what the point of living ? Why can’t I find happiness ? Why should I endure the pain the pain of living in this society the pain of living in a shitty family the pain of life itself think about it we come in to this world bloody and crying is it a way for baby begging not to be born? If u believe in incarnation it actually make sense right? I just been thinking a lot 

The sad truth is half of the people on this sub that giving advice to people who about to give up is just on the high of depression right now what I mean is u like all of us here been dealing with depression and maybe u getting better or u think this time it ganna be different maybe this is last time I’m feeling better right 
I’m in the high right now I see hope!!! well here the sad truth all of u ganna RELAPSE like everytime some of u notice it and try to stop the depression some of u don’t and go down to the devil we called depression even deeper it just a constant battle it just kinda funny to me that people giving advice in a few months they be here waiting for advice cos they relapse

All of this is my final thought this will just get lost in thousands of post here I’m about to turn 20 in a few months ganna do it before 20 I will plan it precisely and as perfect as possible the place to do it the material cut off all my connections deleted all my social media burn my phone and ID be on drug or heavily on alcohol to make my body weaker to fight my survival instinct that will get in the way I watch countless suicide video fail to learn the mistake they make so I will not fail 

Good luck to all the lost souls I hope u find peace my final massage to this wonderful platform reddit and thank u this sub for a place to write my final thoughts",battlepassseason99,11,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcthrt/the_sad_truth_my_first_post_and_my_last_post/,firstly english first language third actually error third language dumb anyway say well u people already seen sub u around depression lot stuff like point living find happiness endure pain pain living society pain living shitty family pain life think come world bloody cry way baby begging born u believe incarnation actually make sense right thinking lot sad truth half people sub giving advice people give high depression right mean u like u dealing depression maybe u getting better u think time ganna different maybe last time feeling better right high right see hope well sad truth u ganna relapse like everytime u notice try stop depression u go devil called depression even deeper constant battle kinda funny people giving advice month waiting advice co relapse final thought get lost thousand post turn 20 month ganna 20 plan precisely perfect possible place material cut connection deleted social medium burn phone id drug heavily alcohol make body weaker fight survival instinct get way watch countless suicide video fail learn mistake make fail good luck lost soul hope u find peace final massage wonderful platform reddit thank u sub place write final thought,sad truth first post last post,battle pas season 99,1989,45,battle pas season 99 firstly english first language third actually error third language dumb anyway say well u people already seen sub u around depression lot stuff like point living find happiness endure pain pain living society pain living shitty family pain life think come world bloody cry way baby begging born u believe incarnation actually make sense right thinking lot sad truth half people sub giving advice people give high depression right mean u like u dealing depression maybe u getting better u think time ganna different maybe last time feeling better right high right see hope well sad truth u ganna relapse like everytime u notice try stop depression u go devil called depression even deeper constant battle kinda funny people giving advice month waiting advice co relapse final thought get lost thousand post turn 20 month ganna 20 plan precisely perfect possible place material cut connection deleted social medium burn phone id drug heavily alcohol make body weaker fight survival instinct get way watch countless suicide video fail learn mistake make fail good luck lost soul hope u find peace final massage wonderful platform reddit thank u sub place write final thought sad truth first post last post
Why am I so scared?!?!?,I have access to knives right here and a bathroom away from other people. If only I had the fucking courage. I just flunked a test with my already failing grades. Ugh I just need one more good reason.,Jefvv,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcv15f/why_am_i_so_scared/,access knife right bathroom away people fucking courage flunked test already failing grade ugh need one good reason,scared,jef v v,200,23,jef v v access knife right bathroom away people fucking courage flunked test already failing grade ugh need one good reason scared
Everything is falling apart,"I've already had a lot going on in my personal life, and I was closer to suicide than I'd ever been. Then there was a huge argument among my friends. I won't get into details, but I don't think they'll make up. I was right in the middle and now I need to fucking pick a side. But I don't want to pick a side. If I do I'll lose some of my friends, and I am neutral on the whole situation anyway. If I don't pick a side, I'll start spending more time with one group than the other because I hate changing things, and then they'll hate me. So I'm going to isolate. I won't sit with them in the morning or at lunch, I'll only work with them in class if they come to me, etc. If they want to talk to me they'll find me. I don't have any other friends, so I'll be completely alone. Of course, that'll only happen if I don't end up killing myself before the end of March break. I was so close to suicide before the argument, but now I'm pushed past my limit. I'll probably go for the next opportunity I get (i.e. know I'll be home alone for 2+ hours). I just can't take this anymore, it's all become too much. I don't really want to die, but nothing ever gets better so what's the point. I just give up.",ThatCrAzYSmileGirl,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcv04k/everything_is_falling_apart/,already lot going personal life wa closer suicide ever wa huge argument among friend get detail think make wa right middle need fucking pick side want pick side lose friend neutral whole situation anyway pick side start spending time one group hate changing thing hate going isolate sit morning lunch work class come etc want talk find friend completely alone course happen end killing end march break wa close suicide argument pushed past limit probably go next opportunity get e know home alone 2 hour take anymore become much really want die nothing ever get better point give,everything falling apart,crazy smile girl,1196,27,crazy smile girl already lot going personal life wa closer suicide ever wa huge argument among friend get detail think make wa right middle need fucking pick side want pick side lose friend neutral whole situation anyway pick side start spending time one group hate changing thing hate going isolate sit morning lunch work class come etc want talk find friend completely alone course happen end killing end march break wa close suicide argument pushed past limit probably go next opportunity get e know home alone 2 hour take anymore become much really want die nothing ever get better point give everything falling apart
I can't stop hating myself,"So I'm supposed to graduate in December and I don't think it's going to happen. I have let myself slip because of health problems and no matter how much I study, I can't get past a B or C on exams. Even got a 23% on a test I took last week. I feel so stupid and lost, why did I do this to myself? I can't even talk to my professors because I always get the same response, ""if I help you, I have to help others."" What's the point? The only reason I won't take my life is because I don't want to leave my mom with my student loans but I just wish I could end it all. Be on an island by myself and drift away from it all",dedazzdeadinside,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcyapc/i_cant_stop_hating_myself/,supposed graduate december think going happen let slip health problem matter much study get past b c exam even got 23 test took last week feel stupid lost even talk professor always get response help help others point reason take life want leave mom student loan wish could end island drift away,stop hating,ded zz dead inside,617,26,ded zz dead inside supposed graduate december think going happen let slip health problem matter much study get past b c exam even got 23 test took last week feel stupid lost even talk professor always get response help help others point reason take life want leave mom student loan wish could end island drift away stop hating
"I feel so hopeless at this point, I want to be encouraged to end my misery","I'm 49, single and still a virgin believe it or not.

Religion,  Neuroticism , introversion, possible aspergers etc. It is not a simple problem.

I'm a guy. Today is my bday.I bought a can of chlorinated brake cleaner and want to hit it with a welder. That is pretty much what they used in WWI to wipe out the trenches. You smell a fresh cut lawn and a day later you are in a great place. I don't care if I suffer a bit but it is a 100% kill rate. Every single day is suffering for me.

No, I'm not some 19 yo writing this. They have their whole life ahead of them.

Now, it is not like I went out without a fight. In the last few years I watched every self help video. Most were aimed at young guys probably.

I bought clothes.

I have cool hobbies. I work on cars. I fix houses. I like to cook.

I work out. I run and rollerblade - 25 miles is not a problem - I don't even get out of breath. I'm still skinny though and built almost like a teenager. I tried to build muscle but I can't. Men my age look ""substantial."" My neighbor is my age EASILY twice my size. I look at men and I see their wrists and bones, I'm built like a woman. There is something unfixably wrong with me.

I feel like I'm dead and invisible to women. People my age are married with kids and enjoying life. I die inside when I see couples. I missed out on so much in life.  No one even wishes me happy birthday. It is hard to understand what truly being alone is like. It is like death in a way.

I'll never have kids or a family at this point. I just don't want to be the creepy old single man.

I have a computer company and make mid 6 figures, but it brings me zero joy. I'm not trying to brag, and I know other people struggle financially and feel bad but would you want to sit ALONE in front of 4 monitors for 12 hrs a day to make this money? I don't hate the work but why do it if I have no one to share it with?? I feel so alone, like I'm working from hell. I guess people benefit from my work indirectly thru the taxes I pay and the welfare and SNAP they get.

I just need the courage to empty this can and light up the contents. I'll finally be at peace. There is nothing at this point that will make me get better.

​

**PLEASE DONT TELL ME TO GET A WHORE.**",spectre_throwaway,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcuy87/i_feel_so_hopeless_at_this_point_i_want_to_be/,49 single still virgin believe religion neuroticism introversion possible aspergers etc simple problem guy today bday bought chlorinated brake cleaner want hit welder pretty much used wwi wipe trench smell fresh cut lawn day later great place care suffer bit 100 kill rate every single day suffering 19 yo writing whole life ahead like went without fight last year watched every self help video aimed young guy probably bought clothes cool hobby work car fix house like cook work run rollerblade 25 mile problem even get breath still skinny though built almost like teenager tried build muscle men age look substantial neighbor age easily twice size look men see wrist bone built like woman something unfixably wrong feel like dead invisible woman people age married kid enjoying life die inside see couple missed much life one even wish happy birthday hard understand truly alone like like death way never kid family point want creepy old single man computer company make mid 6 figure brings zero joy trying brag know people struggle financially feel bad would want sit alone front 4 monitor 12 hr day make money hate work one share feel alone like working hell guess people benefit work indirectly thru tax pay welfare snap get need courage empty light content finally peace nothing point make get better amp x200b please dont tell get whore,feel hopeless point want encouraged end misery,spectre throwaway,2253,74,spectre throwaway 49 single still virgin believe religion neuroticism introversion possible aspergers etc simple problem guy today bday bought chlorinated brake cleaner want hit welder pretty much used wwi wipe trench smell fresh cut lawn day later great place care suffer bit 100 kill rate every single day suffering 19 yo writing whole life ahead like went without fight last year watched every self help video aimed young guy probably bought clothes cool hobby work car fix house like cook work run rollerblade 25 mile problem even get breath still skinny though built almost like teenager tried build muscle men age look substantial neighbor age easily twice size look men see wrist bone built like woman something unfixably wrong feel like dead invisible woman people age married kid enjoying life die inside see couple missed much life one even wish happy birthday hard understand truly alone like like death way never kid family point want creepy old single man computer company make mid 6 figure brings zero joy trying brag know people struggle financially feel bad would want sit alone front 4 monitor 12 hr day make money hate work one share feel alone like working hell guess people benefit work indirectly thru tax pay welfare snap get need courage empty light content finally peace nothing point make get better amp x200b please dont tell get whore feel hopeless point want encouraged end misery
Learning disability,"I was diagnosed with borderline disability and it's making me suicidal and homicidal. I've never accomplished anything in my life I have no ged, no job, no licence all I want to do is get a ged so I can go to college to study a trade. Why do people with learning disability have to take the same test as people who don't have learning disability of course it would be easier for them but for us the test feels like a foreign language to me. Also I'm going to be homeless because of me nobody else fault my parents want me to stay but if they die I will be homeless anyways.",RadixOnix_92,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcy9ot/learning_disability/,wa diagnosed borderline disability making suicidal homicidal never accomplished anything life ged job licence want get ged go college study trade people learning disability take test people learning disability course would easier u test feel like foreign language also going homeless nobody else fault parent want stay die homeless anyways,learning disability,radix ix 92,573,19,radix ix 92 wa diagnosed borderline disability making suicidal homicidal never accomplished anything life ged job licence want get ged go college study trade people learning disability take test people learning disability course would easier u test feel like foreign language also going homeless nobody else fault parent want stay die homeless anyways learning disability
Why is it so hard to be happy?,"I am in my 40's, fought high and low with my depression and thought that I was over it but in reality its never have gone away...  I am in my life once again living a lie. A lie that is to much for myself to move forward. I have a great family, nice new Home, Nice cars, new business and great career.  but nothing seems to make me happy any longer  and the more I think and want is to end my life...

Yes I know suicide is the  easy way out to a temporary problem.  But in my life today  its no longer temporary. It feels that I can no longer feel myself to be alive anymore...  This is not my 1st rodeo but I did try to end my life over 10 years ago and wish I never survived it but I did and I am here again today thinking that, the feelings I am feeling is  to much for one person to take on every day every second and mostly every breath I take...

There are days I want to end my life and finding a way to end it, but I am a POS for not following threw any of. When I go to bed i say a prayer...   I now go to sleep, my lord my soul for you to keep,  as I don't need to wake in the morning so please take my life and let me rest in peace in my sleep, praise to you my lord my savoir, take my life , take my soul and take away the pain i am living as the pain to live is to much for me to take everyday to wear a fake smile.

Every day I drive my vehicle to the office  and thinking  what pole, what bridge, what wall or Truck  I can drive into, or what building  I can jump from so that I can never feel this pain that I feel

I now know why the funnest man alive as in Robin Williams end his life as now I want to do the same,,

just so hard for me to live in this world alive or dead its just not easy for me anymore but I rather die than live a lie with a fake smile to show I am ok... ",uslesspos,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcy6my/why_is_it_so_hard_to_be_happy/,40 fought high low depression thought wa reality never gone away life living lie lie much move forward great family nice new home nice car new business great career nothing seems make happy longer think want end life yes know suicide easy way temporary problem life today longer temporary feel longer feel alive anymore 1st rodeo try end life 10 year ago wish never survived today thinking feeling feeling much one person take every day every second mostly every breath take day want end life finding way end po following threw go bed say prayer go sleep lord soul keep need wake morning please take life let rest peace sleep praise lord savoir take life take soul take away pain living pain live much take everyday wear fake smile every day drive vehicle office thinking pole bridge wall truck drive building jump never feel pain feel know funnest man alive robin williams end life want hard live world alive dead easy anymore rather die live lie fake smile show ok,hard happy,u le po,1795,30,u le po 40 fought high low depression thought wa reality never gone away life living lie lie much move forward great family nice new home nice car new business great career nothing seems make happy longer think want end life yes know suicide easy way temporary problem life today longer temporary feel longer feel alive anymore 1st rodeo try end life 10 year ago wish never survived today thinking feeling feeling much one person take every day every second mostly every breath take day want end life finding way end po following threw go bed say prayer go sleep lord soul keep need wake morning please take life let rest peace sleep praise lord savoir take life take soul take away pain living pain live much take everyday wear fake smile every day drive vehicle office thinking pole bridge wall truck drive building jump never feel pain feel know funnest man alive robin williams end life want hard live world alive dead easy anymore rather die live lie fake smile show ok hard happy
I could use a hug,That’s all I’m asking for 😔,young_adult2019,15,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fckhub/i_could_use_a_hug/,asking,could use hug,young adult 2019,27,17,young adult 2019 asking could use hug
I just want it to fucking end,"I can't even do it right. Couldn't even fucking do it right. 5 hours in the hospital, they tell me to leave and I go back home, go to sleep and then get up to go to work. Back to all of this. I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of it so sick of it so sick of it so sick of it. There's no point anymore. There's no point. Why can't it just be fucking over? I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to keep fighting. I just want to give up and rot. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.",ready2rope,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcrlun/i_just_want_it_to_fucking_end/,even right even fucking right 5 hour hospital tell leave go back home go sleep get go work back sick sick sick sick sick point anymore point fucking tired want anymore want keep fighting want give rot tired fucking tired,want fucking end,ready 2 rope,493,29,ready 2 rope even right even fucking right 5 hour hospital tell leave go back home go sleep get go work back sick sick sick sick sick point anymore point fucking tired want anymore want keep fighting want give rot tired fucking tired want fucking end
It's all a big beautiful lie,"""I love you"", so please don't kill yourself because I will feel soooo  guilty 

""You mean everything to me"", til I realize that I'm talking to YOU after all and I get bored. Can't you be a different kind of person?

""You have so much to offer"", I mean, you MIGHT, but I really don't expect much to come from your existence but PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME FEEL BAD BY KILLING YOURSELF :(

Everyone is lying to me continuously anytime I'm spoken to. I know my place and where I stand and I hate it, so I want to be done here.",tossitout9,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcs5nw/its_all_a_big_beautiful_lie/,love please kill feel soooo guilty mean everything til realize talking get bored different kind person much offer mean might really expect much come existence please make feel bad killing everyone lying continuously anytime spoken know place stand hate want done,big beautiful lie,toss 9,516,28,toss 9 love please kill feel soooo guilty mean everything til realize talking get bored different kind person much offer mean might really expect much come existence please make feel bad killing everyone lying continuously anytime spoken know place stand hate want done big beautiful lie
I can't stop crying about the thought to kill myself and letting my best friend down,"My best friend is literally the sweetest person ever she brought me so much chocolate and facemasks to make me happy, even if its just for a few seconds and I just can't stop crying about that.
I really, really, really want to die, I even cut myself to prepare me mentally for it and if she would have known that I'm doing that right now, she knocked on my door and gave me that. 
I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't want her to be sad because of my death but on the other hand I just can't stand this life anymore. Please help me. She is literally the only reason I am still alive.",ManamaKim,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcxfl7/i_cant_stop_crying_about_the_thought_to_kill/,best friend literally sweetest person ever brought much chocolate facemasks make happy even second stop cry really really really want die even cut prepare mentally would known right knocked door gave really know anymore want sad death hand stand life anymore please help literally reason still alive,stop cry thought kill letting best friend,manama kim,594,84,manama kim best friend literally sweetest person ever brought much chocolate facemasks make happy even second stop cry really really really want die even cut prepare mentally would known right knocked door gave really know anymore want sad death hand stand life anymore please help literally reason still alive stop cry thought kill letting best friend
I think I’m reaching my final moments,Best part about the winter is that the water is so cold here. I’ve thought about jumping in and never coming back. I’ve thought about this probably at least once a day since it got cold out. It’s a spot where other people have disappeared. Maybe if I take a bunch of Xanax or something that will help mess me up so much that I die easier. I’ve written suicide notes before but I go back and read them and think they sound stupid so this time I’ll keep it brief. 32 years I tried. I held on for my mom and brother but I don’t have any fight left in me. I’m tired. I just want to rest forever. I’m sorry to everyone but you will all be fine in the grand scheme of things. Be grateful that you are not me. I’m not essential to anything.,funkhouserbyproxy,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcu8vs/i_think_im_reaching_my_final_moments/,best part winter water cold thought jumping never coming back thought probably least day since got cold spot people disappeared maybe take bunch xanax something help mess much die easier written suicide note go back read think sound stupid time keep brief 32 year tried held mom brother fight left tired want rest forever sorry everyone fine grand scheme thing grateful essential anything,think reaching final moment,funk house r proxy,733,37,funk house r proxy best part winter water cold thought jumping never coming back thought probably least day since got cold spot people disappeared maybe take bunch xanax something help mess much die easier written suicide note go back read think sound stupid time keep brief 32 year tried held mom brother fight left tired want rest forever sorry everyone fine grand scheme thing grateful essential anything think reaching final moment
Watching my cat sleep,She looks so peaceful. I wonder if she would miss me if I'd died. I wonder if its possible to be reborn as a cat once you die,unicorn6642,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcxb51/watching_my_cat_sleep/,look peaceful wonder would miss died wonder possible reborn cat die,watching cat sleep,unicorn 6642,125,21,unicorn 6642 look peaceful wonder would miss died wonder possible reborn cat die watching cat sleep
I just want to be done,"I’m a 21 year old and my birthday is in two week’s (st.Patrick’s day), my entire life has been rough. From the moment I was born I had heart issue’s and growing up I had a growth deficiency, to then my ribs growing in words and crushing my lung’s along with asthma. That’s just a small portion but it sums it up. From losing my dad at 15 when I finally was at an age to do thing’s he liked which I developed a love for because I got to hangout with him, to then never being able to do them again and having to retire from hockey and sports because my lungs are so small due to my chest issues. Everyone left, I had nobody when I lost my dad, I spent years silent, didn’t talk to anyone, same racial expression everyday. I dragged myself out of the hole, then life continues and people keep coming and going and destroying me on the way out with friends betraying me and relationships being cheated on. I’ve never been good enough for anyone. My mother doesn’t speak to me anymore, she’ll go through my siblings to contact me. She also moved across the usa. Finally I’ve hit a point where I just don’t want to keep praying for better day‘s. It’s been 6 years of in and out of hospitals for mental issues and thing’s just never get better. I then lost my best friends dad from cancer whose family took me in when I was on the brink of ending it all and they helped me get better and it worked until my previous relationship. I mean I was happy again. Like I felt normal. I wasn’t crying every morning and every night. I was excited for the day. But it’s been about 9 months since that and I’ve cut the world off and I haven’t spoke to anyone in week’s bc nobody ever tried to contact me and it was always me reaching out so I stop tried. I have no confidence left and I have no chill anymore, I’m just the guy that’s there with his headphones in always. I’m tired. I can’t seem to do anything right. I just want to be at peace, I don’t want to be here but I can’t do that to my siblings. Even tho we don’t get along well I don’t want them to enter a depressed state like I’ve gone through for years. I’m just running out of energy and idk how much longer I can do it until I just say fuck it and be done and end it, end my pain. Nobody seem’s to care about my pain so idk why I should care about anyone else’s anymore. I’ve always been the person who will help anyone even if I barely know them. But nobody does it for me..",loosesquid69,16,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcxa9b/i_just_want_to_be_done/,21 year old birthday two week st patrick day entire life ha rough moment wa born heart issue growing growth deficiency rib growing word crushing lung along asthma small portion sum losing dad 15 finally wa age thing liked developed love got hangout never able retire hockey sport lung small due chest issue everyone left nobody lost dad spent year silent talk anyone racial expression everyday dragged hole life continues people keep coming going destroying way friend betraying relationship cheated never good enough anyone mother speak anymore go sibling contact also moved across usa finally hit point want keep praying better day 6 year hospital mental issue thing never get better lost best friend dad cancer whose family took wa brink ending helped get better worked previous relationship mean wa happy like felt normal cry every morning every night wa excited day 9 month since cut world spoke anyone week bc nobody ever tried contact wa always reaching stop tried confidence left chill anymore guy headphone always tired seem anything right want peace want sibling even tho get along well want enter depressed state like gone year running energy idk much longer say fuck done end end pain nobody seem care pain idk care anyone else anymore always person help anyone even barely know nobody doe,want done,loose squid 69,2421,22,loose squid 69 21 year old birthday two week st patrick day entire life ha rough moment wa born heart issue growing growth deficiency rib growing word crushing lung along asthma small portion sum losing dad 15 finally wa age thing liked developed love got hangout never able retire hockey sport lung small due chest issue everyone left nobody lost dad spent year silent talk anyone racial expression everyday dragged hole life continues people keep coming going destroying way friend betraying relationship cheated never good enough anyone mother speak anymore go sibling contact also moved across usa finally hit point want keep praying better day 6 year hospital mental issue thing never get better lost best friend dad cancer whose family took wa brink ending helped get better worked previous relationship mean wa happy like felt normal cry every morning every night wa excited day 9 month since cut world spoke anyone week bc nobody ever tried contact wa always reaching stop tried confidence left chill anymore guy headphone always tired seem anything right want peace want sibling even tho get along well want enter depressed state like gone year running energy idk much longer say fuck done end end pain nobody seem care pain idk care anyone else anymore always person help anyone even barely know nobody doe want done
So sick of being so lonely,"I just don't know how to be normal anymore. The littlest things can set me off. I'm always hurting peoples feelings with jokes I make, then I always say ""Don't be so sensitive"" when I know for sure it was MY fault they got offended. It's hard for me to take responsibility.

I also feel very alone, and I don't mean the sense of friendships. I'm talking about romantic relationships. I've had about 4 or 5 concussions, and I say that because I know I've definitely had some that weren't diagnosed as I used to box. It's just really hard for me to say what I want to say. I fumble my words a lot, and I noticed that after my most recent concussion about a month ago.

For example, one thing I said that I regret was calling a girl a ""dyke"" because she said something rude to me. What I said was so uncalled for, especially since I knew she was bisexual. I feel like trash because I don't say things like this (homophobic) all the time per-say, but that is just an example of how offensive and unregulated the stuff that comes out of my mouth on the daily.

I constantly have to be high on marijuana most of the time to keep my mood up and I don't want to be like that. The weed just makes things worse for me when I'm not high because I get even more irritable then I was before I smoked and I go through bad anxiety and psychosis episodes.

I also feel like a failure. I am in my senior year of high school and I feel hopeless. My grades are all F's and I don't know what to do anymore. I plan on going to trade school after this year but I probably won't follow through on that because I never follow through on anything I want to do,  as my anxiety prevents me from doing lots of stuff.

I think about suicide but the thought scares me and it's just and endless cycle of just that and it sends me down a dark hole in my thoughts. I feel hopeless like nothing can help me anymore.

Also, I don't want to sound pathetic but its what I am. I told the girl I like that I liked her. She said doesn't reciprocate those feelings but it hurt when she said she liked me 2 years prior. It especially hurt because I liked her back then as well. Once again my anxiety prevents me from being happy and thats all I want, is too be happy again. It's been at least 4 years of feeling like this.

Sorry for the rambling at the end.",Throwaway20011999,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcqt4o/so_sick_of_being_so_lonely/,know normal anymore littlest thing set always hurting people feeling joke make always say sensitive know sure wa fault got offended hard take responsibility also feel alone mean sense friendship talking romantic relationship 4 5 concussion say know definitely diagnosed used box really hard say want say fumble word lot noticed recent concussion month ago example one thing said regret wa calling girl dyke said something rude said wa uncalled especially since knew wa bisexual feel like trash say thing like homophobic time per say example offensive unregulated stuff come mouth daily constantly high marijuana time keep mood want like weed make thing worse high get even irritable wa smoked go bad anxiety psychosis episode also feel like failure senior year high school feel hopeless grade f know anymore plan going trade school year probably follow never follow anything want anxiety prevents lot stuff think suicide thought scare endless cycle sends dark hole thought feel hopeless like nothing help anymore also want sound pathetic told girl like liked said reciprocate feeling hurt said liked 2 year prior especially hurt liked back well anxiety prevents happy thats want happy least 4 year feeling like sorry rambling end,sick lonely,throwaway 20011999,2316,26,throwaway 20011999 know normal anymore littlest thing set always hurting people feeling joke make always say sensitive know sure wa fault got offended hard take responsibility also feel alone mean sense friendship talking romantic relationship 4 5 concussion say know definitely diagnosed used box really hard say want say fumble word lot noticed recent concussion month ago example one thing said regret wa calling girl dyke said something rude said wa uncalled especially since knew wa bisexual feel like trash say thing like homophobic time per say example offensive unregulated stuff come mouth daily constantly high marijuana time keep mood want like weed make thing worse high get even irritable wa smoked go bad anxiety psychosis episode also feel like failure senior year high school feel hopeless grade f know anymore plan going trade school year probably follow never follow anything want anxiety prevents lot stuff think suicide thought scare endless cycle sends dark hole thought feel hopeless like nothing help anymore also want sound pathetic told girl like liked said reciprocate feeling hurt said liked 2 year prior especially hurt liked back well anxiety prevents happy thats want happy least 4 year feeling like sorry rambling end sick lonely
Am I the only one who couldn't see myself a few years from now? Like I'm not sure if I'm still going to live. I need a hug.,emptypost,angelasyy,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcsm42/am_i_the_only_one_who_couldnt_see_myself_a_few/,emptypost,one see year like sure still going live need hug,angel yy,9,123,angel yy emptypost one see year like sure still going live need hug
panic attack incoming,"made a mistake and looked at the news for corona virus and now i am freaking out. i can't tell what's real and what isn't, and i'm just terrified right now.",iliveinstress,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcrshq/panic_attack_incoming/,made mistake looked news corona virus freaking tell real terrified right,panic attack incoming,live stress,156,21,live stress made mistake looked news corona virus freaking tell real terrified right panic attack incoming
I just can't do this...,"There are things I'd like to do sure...but this divorce has broken me. I'm tired of crying all day at work. I'm tired if not wanting to get out of bed.
I'd like to try...but I'm not sure I'm capable. My motivation is completely gone. He stole every dream I had and told me to keep walking. Heartless. And I feel heartless now too. Empty. And I just want to stop feeling it.",The_Answer_Is_42__,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fctrib/i_just_cant_do_this/,thing like sure divorce ha broken tired cry day work tired wanting get bed like try sure capable motivation completely gone stole every dream told keep walking heartless feel heartless empty want stop feeling,,answer 42,373,23,answer 42 thing like sure divorce ha broken tired cry day work tired wanting get bed like try sure capable motivation completely gone stole every dream told keep walking heartless feel heartless empty want stop feeling 
I’m fucking done,"You ruined me, I loved you and I can’t love anyone anymore. You’ve absolutely fucking ruined my life. I’m successful, people love me, I help people every day, BUT I CANT HELP MYSELF AND IM SICK OF IT. I’m giving up, I don’t care anymore because you don’t. I fucking love you, please take me back",floobyglorp1776,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcp9nd/im_fucking_done/,ruined loved love anyone anymore absolutely fucking ruined life successful people love help people every day cant help im sick giving care anymore fucking love please take back,fucking done,f loo gl p 1776,295,16,f loo gl p 1776 ruined loved love anyone anymore absolutely fucking ruined life successful people love help people every day cant help im sick giving care anymore fucking love please take back fucking done
"14 hours, tick tock","Maybe this will be the last time I'll be posting here, and allow me to express my gratitude for all of you, I have met few amazing people through here in the last year and I'm glad, that I spent the last year without the rules of the society and at my will, well worst and I don't regret a second of it. I'm glad to have had such a privileged life, ups and downs but most of it all was such a ride. I'm content, I'm not angry or upset nor feeling helpless, I'm feeling like it's time. It was a good 21 year ride, and bless the reddit for it helped me laugh countless times with the memes and helped me get in touch with myself through its amazing redditors, you all rock, hope to meet you all one day after that rainbow bridge. 
Thank you and goodbye. :)

Update: I was caught by my mom while preparing for it and she didn't need a second to release what I was about to do, I'm on surveillance now, there goes me, failed again. Nonetheless, thank you to everyone who tried to reach me and left a kind comment. Back to hell, back to reality, back to existing.",PurrplePixie,27,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fch5gt/14_hours_tick_tock/,maybe last time posting allow express gratitude met amazing people last year glad spent last year without rule society well worst regret second glad privileged life ups wa ride content angry upset feeling helpless feeling like time wa good 21 year ride bless reddit helped laugh countless time meme helped get touch amazing redditors rock hope meet one day rainbow bridge thank goodbye update wa caught mom preparing need second release wa surveillance go failed nonetheless thank everyone tried reach left kind comment back hell back reality back existing,14 hour tick tock,purr ple pixie,1058,19,purr ple pixie maybe last time posting allow express gratitude met amazing people last year glad spent last year without rule society well worst regret second glad privileged life ups wa ride content angry upset feeling helpless feeling like time wa good 21 year ride bless reddit helped laugh countless time meme helped get touch amazing redditors rock hope meet one day rainbow bridge thank goodbye update wa caught mom preparing need second release wa surveillance go failed nonetheless thank everyone tried reach left kind comment back hell back reality back existing 14 hour tick tock
What happened to you when you overdosed and how much did you take?,Since so much people have overdosed on this subreddit I’m curious,snakesnack148,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcwgkg/what_happened_to_you_when_you_overdosed_and_how/,since much people overdosed subreddit curious,happened overdosed much take,snake snack 148,65,66,snake snack 148 since much people overdosed subreddit curious happened overdosed much take
When people compare pain.,I don't think I need to explain what I mean,ajlaba,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fchrgs/when_people_compare_pain/,think need explain mean,people compare pain,j lab,43,25,j lab think need explain mean people compare pain
I’m crying so hard,Please help me,oeyo121,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcri4s/im_crying_so_hard/,please help,cry hard,oe yo 121,14,18,oe yo 121 please help cry hard
"Autistic, trapped, and hopeless","Hey everyone. 
I’m 22 years old and ever since I was 9 my father has been sexually abusing me. He also verbally berates me and physically abuses me. I’ve never been able to get evidence of his crimes documented. My mother is so brainwashed she no longer protects me. I finally called the police because I was so sick of the abuse and now I’m afraid that I may have fucked up. I have no money and due to my autism and physical disability’s I can’t work. I feel stuck and for the first time in years I legitimately want to end my life. I see no way out. I was foolish to believe anyone would help me. 
I don’t know what to do.",ChampagneLuv,9,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcrdqm/autistic_trapped_and_hopeless/,hey everyone 22 year old ever since wa 9 father ha sexually abusing also verbally berates physically abuse never able get evidence crime documented mother brainwashed longer protects finally called police wa sick abuse afraid may fucked money due autism physical disability work feel stuck first time year legitimately want end life see way wa foolish believe anyone would help know,autistic trapped hopeless,champagne luv,624,31,champagne luv hey everyone 22 year old ever since wa 9 father ha sexually abusing also verbally berates physically abuse never able get evidence crime documented mother brainwashed longer protects finally called police wa sick abuse afraid may fucked money due autism physical disability work feel stuck first time year legitimately want end life see way wa foolish believe anyone would help know autistic trapped hopeless
They'll be happier,"This may be my final post on here, I dont know for sure. This won't harbor much attention I'm positive, since none of my prior posts have. Regardless, I've been feeling this way for awhile now, and I cant handle it much longer. I've tried to be strong, but I'm weakening everyday. My parents wont care, they'd be better off without me. I'm an average student but I'm never good enough. I love art but they dont understand. They want me to be a rich doctor. That wont happen. My only talent is art, and that's it - I know it wont get me anywhere. I do nothing but disgust and disappoint. I really wish I was aborted, never born. I'm a burden, and my parents refuse therapy because it costs money and all they care about is money and my grades. They as well dont believe in mental issues.
I've always been too much of a pussy to consider hurting myself, let alone, ending myself. I know I wont have a future, so why bother with going onward? I'm banal, a dead weight. I've done nothing remarkable nor contributable. If I do kill myself my parents will blame it on 'the liberal school system brainwashing me' or some shit. I just want everything to go numb forever. I want to die, and I think it's going to happen sometime later today. Might go for an extra long walk or something, I dunno. They'll be happier, anyway.",Sinister-Toaster,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcw2rv/theyll_be_happier/,may final post dont know sure harbor much attention positive since none prior post regardless feeling way awhile cant handle much longer tried strong weakening everyday parent wont care better without average student never good enough love art dont understand want rich doctor wont happen talent art know wont get anywhere nothing disgust disappoint really wish wa aborted never born burden parent refuse therapy cost money care money grade well dont believe mental issue always much pussy consider hurting let alone ending know wont future bother going onward banal dead weight done nothing remarkable contributable kill parent blame liberal school system brainwashing shit want everything go numb forever want die think going happen sometime later today might go extra long walk something dunno happier anyway,happier,sinister toaster,1315,18,sinister toaster may final post dont know sure harbor much attention positive since none prior post regardless feeling way awhile cant handle much longer tried strong weakening everyday parent wont care better without average student never good enough love art dont understand want rich doctor wont happen talent art know wont get anywhere nothing disgust disappoint really wish wa aborted never born burden parent refuse therapy cost money care money grade well dont believe mental issue always much pussy consider hurting let alone ending know wont future bother going onward banal dead weight done nothing remarkable contributable kill parent blame liberal school system brainwashing shit want everything go numb forever want die think going happen sometime later today might go extra long walk something dunno happier anyway happier
I want to die so much,"My health, both mental and physical, have been going down hill since December. My life is on hold, I can't do anything, I hate feeling useless. My family yells and screams at me because I'm depressed. They call me lazy and a loser, then question why I dont talk to them about my mental health. It's the two faced nature of them that really gets to me. I'm tired of fighting everything. I have zero support, no friends, nothing but pain. I want it to end, I'm starting to plan out how I want to go. I would go to a hotel to kill myself but I dont have any money because I've been off work. Theres so many people I want to reach out to but I burn all my bridges. Fuck I'm so alone, I can't do this anymore. I hate myself",HerbertMeyerMegaFan,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fct5ob/i_want_to_die_so_much/,health mental physical going hill since december life hold anything hate feeling useless family yell scream depressed call lazy loser question dont talk mental health two faced nature really get tired fighting everything zero support friend nothing pain want end starting plan want go would go hotel kill dont money work many people want reach burn bridge fuck alone anymore hate,want die much,herbert meyer mega fan,718,21,herbert meyer mega fan health mental physical going hill since december life hold anything hate feeling useless family yell scream depressed call lazy loser question dont talk mental health two faced nature really get tired fighting everything zero support friend nothing pain want end starting plan want go would go hotel kill dont money work many people want reach burn bridge fuck alone anymore hate want die much
i feel like im the hostage of myself,"i dont know but im trying to live life normally and all but there's always this 'voice' or these thoughts that keeps me pushing away from the good things, i just cant accept to try my best for myself. i need to stop what i like doing, ignore persons and all just because of that 'voice' in my head that keeps pushing me down. i've really been feeling down and down and down, all i see is dark, my entire universe is black, there's no light.. every time i find a sparkle it fades away so fast. I just ask for one thing: i want to die.

im the kind of person that cant say no, and try my best to help everyone and to look nice to everyone but i feel so lost inside, i cant make choices. im just doing what that 'voice' keeps telling me but everytime i feel like im getting lower and lower. i've already planned everything for my suicide and if things wont get better, ill just do it. i have nothing to lose. 

sometimes i wish i could have a soul I can ally with to beat that voice... im just lost. i wish maybe something could help me, anyone... help me make decisions. idk i've always been so lonely, and i have big problems socializing because of this 'voice', i might have friends that love me but i feel like im just nothing, and THAT 'voice' just keeps pushing me away from them and from everyone. i try to make new friends, meet lots of people but in the end i feel bad and i end up ignoring everyone and staying hostage of that 'voice'.... i dont get it because when im with people and all i dont seem to be strange or anything i try to tell things so people notice i have problems but in the end im just closing myself with my own thoughts and cant seem to try anything to beat myself on my own game....

for those who read till the end, i hope you have a great day",black-Oragne,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcvuzx/i_feel_like_im_the_hostage_of_myself/,dont know im trying live life normally always voice thought keep pushing away good thing cant accept try best need stop like ignore person voice head keep pushing really feeling see dark entire universe black light every time find sparkle fade away fast ask one thing want die im kind person cant say try best help everyone look nice everyone feel lost inside cant make choice im voice keep telling everytime feel like im getting lower lower already planned everything suicide thing wont get better ill nothing lose sometimes wish could soul ally beat voice im lost wish maybe something could help anyone help make decision idk always lonely big problem socializing voice might friend love feel like im nothing voice keep pushing away everyone try make new friend meet lot people end feel bad end ignoring everyone staying hostage voice dont get im people dont seem strange anything try tell thing people notice problem end im closing thought cant seem try anything beat game read till end hope great day,feel like im hostage,black agne,1772,36,black agne dont know im trying live life normally always voice thought keep pushing away good thing cant accept try best need stop like ignore person voice head keep pushing really feeling see dark entire universe black light every time find sparkle fade away fast ask one thing want die im kind person cant say try best help everyone look nice everyone feel lost inside cant make choice im voice keep telling everytime feel like im getting lower lower already planned everything suicide thing wont get better ill nothing lose sometimes wish could soul ally beat voice im lost wish maybe something could help anyone help make decision idk always lonely big problem socializing voice might friend love feel like im nothing voice keep pushing away everyone try make new friend meet lot people end feel bad end ignoring everyone staying hostage voice dont get im people dont seem strange anything try tell thing people notice problem end im closing thought cant seem try anything beat game read till end hope great day feel like im hostage
You can't trust anyone.,"Everyone lies, everyone will backstab you in the end. Better off never saying anything.",RiggyNo,14,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fchuo1/you_cant_trust_anyone/,everyone lie everyone backstab end better never saying anything,trust anyone,r iggy,87,23,r iggy everyone lie everyone backstab end better never saying anything trust anyone
Ran out of people to turn to,"I'm 9 years post the hospitalizations/drug guinea pig era and all the bullshit that comes from not having enough money or insurance to afford professionals that won't prescribe you Jesus or tell you withdrawals don't exist and it's purely psychological. Like, to summarize. I'm 24 now and have managed a normal and social life at school and my restaurant jobs when almost 10 years ago just the thought of leaving my house would give me severe panic attacks. Took a long ass time to fix. I got fit and cute and all that and did the [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) things and socialized with errybody like I learned on the internet and stuff.

A year and a half ago my father suddenly gave me a deadline to leave our apartment. Then pushed it earlier and changed the locks while I was crashing somewhere else. He eventually confessed he's uncomfortable having me in his home because of what I went through and just can't have me around anymore. It's insanely fucked up to have that thrown in your face and then some. ""Our"" became his and everything else his wife's.

When I became homeless periodically this past year, none of my friends or family and family friends helped me when I asked or begged. My relatives cut contact again and most of my friends and people I knew never got back to me while others awkwardly explained how we can't be friends anymore. Even people who knew me personally and what I had gone through just stopped responding to me. In person it was this strange distance from them like I'm a stranger to them. I guess reality started unfolding when things got real. You see your true friends when your heart really needs them.

Unfortunately I had a mental break at work during all this and panicked the fuck out into a depression storm and smashed a glass to use on myself in the back of my restaurant. Everyone was supportive that night and my manager got me in contact with the company's employee support fund stuff to put together money for a deposit for a place and anxiety accommodations at work. The next shifts everybody working there behaved as if I wasn't in the same room and would avoid interacting with me. I was fired a few days later and HR did absolutely nothing. I loved that place and made good money but fucked it up in a snap.

I've been homeless on and off and I couldn't get into any shelters with welfare vouchers or go on SNAP/Section 8, etc because I'm one of those DACA people. The good shelters were always full and the social workers would tell me if I know somewhere I can sleep safe, it's better to do that than the overpopulated homeless shelters here in the NY/NJ metro area. So I'd hide in people's backyards and in abandoned buildings in richer towns at night and hang around parks/libraries during the day. My dad offered to pay rent for my own place for now after he found me sleeping in his garage in 15 degree weather thank fuck for that.

Dozens of online job apps and irl job apps done and still nothing. Then the thoughts come over and over and I don't know what to do. Prozac makes me act on the thoughts while no prozac makes me tolerate them in a panic. I stay off it and just tolerate panicking and crying it away. I can't afford school and my own place while working full-time and don't have enough money to renew my DACA. Future is fucked up. The one support I got doesn't wanna talk to me and pays to keep me away. Oof. My mind calmed down after turning this into a vent..  


TL;DR: Went from mental health recovery and becoming a new person to homeless hot mess without access to welfare or family support.",throwaway-probly0260,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcrvwv/ran_out_of_people_to_turn_to/,9 year post hospitalization drug guinea pig era bullshit come enough money insurance afford professional prescribe jesus tell withdrawal exist purely psychological like summarize 24 managed normal social life school restaurant job almost 10 year ago thought leaving house would give severe panic attack took long time fix got fit cute meetup com http meetup com thing socialized errybody like learned internet stuff year half ago father suddenly gave deadline leave apartment pushed earlier changed lock wa crashing somewhere else eventually confessed uncomfortable home went around anymore insanely fucked thrown face became everything else wife became homeless periodically past year none friend family family friend helped asked begged relative cut contact friend people knew never got back others awkwardly explained friend anymore even people knew personally gone stopped responding person wa strange distance like stranger guess reality started unfolding thing got real see true friend heart really need unfortunately mental break work panicked fuck depression storm smashed glass use back restaurant everyone wa supportive night manager got contact company employee support fund stuff put together money deposit place anxiety accommodation work next shift everybody working behaved room would avoid interacting wa fired day later hr absolutely nothing loved place made good money fucked snap homeless get shelter welfare voucher go snap section 8 etc one daca people good shelter always full social worker would tell know somewhere sleep safe better overpopulated homeless shelter ny nj metro area hide people backyard abandoned building richer town night hang around park library day dad offered pay rent place found sleeping garage 15 degree weather thank fuck dozen online job apps irl job apps done still nothing thought come know prozac make act thought prozac make tolerate panic stay tolerate panicking cry away afford school place working full time enough money renew daca future fucked one support got wanna talk pay keep away oof mind calmed turning vent tl dr went mental health recovery becoming new person homeless hot mess without access welfare family support,ran people turn,throwaway probly 0260,3577,28,throwaway probly 0260 9 year post hospitalization drug guinea pig era bullshit come enough money insurance afford professional prescribe jesus tell withdrawal exist purely psychological like summarize 24 managed normal social life school restaurant job almost 10 year ago thought leaving house would give severe panic attack took long time fix got fit cute meetup com http meetup com thing socialized errybody like learned internet stuff year half ago father suddenly gave deadline leave apartment pushed earlier changed lock wa crashing somewhere else eventually confessed uncomfortable home went around anymore insanely fucked thrown face became everything else wife became homeless periodically past year none friend family family friend helped asked begged relative cut contact friend people knew never got back others awkwardly explained friend anymore even people knew personally gone stopped responding person wa strange distance like stranger guess reality started unfolding thing got real see true friend heart really need unfortunately mental break work panicked fuck depression storm smashed glass use back restaurant everyone wa supportive night manager got contact company employee support fund stuff put together money deposit place anxiety accommodation work next shift everybody working behaved room would avoid interacting wa fired day later hr absolutely nothing loved place made good money fucked snap homeless get shelter welfare voucher go snap section 8 etc one daca people good shelter always full social worker would tell know somewhere sleep safe better overpopulated homeless shelter ny nj metro area hide people backyard abandoned building richer town night hang around park library day dad offered pay rent place found sleeping garage 15 degree weather thank fuck dozen online job apps irl job apps done still nothing thought come know prozac make act thought prozac make tolerate panic stay tolerate panicking cry away afford school place working full time enough money renew daca future fucked one support got wanna talk pay keep away oof mind calmed turning vent tl dr went mental health recovery becoming new person homeless hot mess without access welfare family support ran people turn
Having to rework my suicide plan now that I'm dropping out of college,I'm so happy that I'm dropping out but now I got more things to worry about. Nicee,Throwawahdjsjfjd,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcr0wh/having_to_rework_my_suicide_plan_now_that_im/,happy dropping got thing worry nicee,rework suicide plan dropping college,throw wah dj j fj,82,69,throw wah dj j fj happy dropping got thing worry nicee rework suicide plan dropping college
I'd prefer to die from the coronavirus than suicide.,"I suffer from asthma, bronchopulmonary dysplasia, and a heart condition. My lungs only function at 80%. I've suffered from pneumonia multiple times in the past and had to be placed on oxygen. If I were to contract the coronavirus, I'd likely die. My family is generally healthy, so they'd likely be alright and only experience a mild case of the virus. I think I'd rather die from the virus than suicide, since it'll spare my family the guilt.",EvelynBlack18,15,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fceo7o/id_prefer_to_die_from_the_coronavirus_than_suicide/,suffer asthma bronchopulmonary dysplasia heart condition lung function 80 suffered pneumonia multiple time past placed oxygen contract coronavirus likely die family generally healthy likely alright experience mild case virus think rather die virus suicide since spare family guilt,prefer die coronavirus suicide,evelyn black 18,443,52,evelyn black 18 suffer asthma bronchopulmonary dysplasia heart condition lung function 80 suffered pneumonia multiple time past placed oxygen contract coronavirus likely die family generally healthy likely alright experience mild case virus think rather die virus suicide since spare family guilt prefer die coronavirus suicide
I’m afraid I will kill myself if my mom dies,My mom is my best friend and she’s going through cancer right now. I spend every moment with her. I’ve been dealing with depression for over 10 years. In November I had a close call where I almost killed myself. I think about doing it still. If my mom dies I just don’t think I will be able to hang on. I don’t know what to do.,ScaryMohawk,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcpl6j/im_afraid_i_will_kill_myself_if_my_mom_dies/,mom best friend going cancer right spend every moment dealing depression 10 year november close call almost killed think still mom dy think able hang know,afraid kill mom dy,scary mohawk,327,44,scary mohawk mom best friend going cancer right spend every moment dealing depression 10 year november close call almost killed think still mom dy think able hang know afraid kill mom dy
Not feeling stable,"Just been in a really bad place mentally I’m grateful for all the little things I have in my life.
But the odds are stacked against me and I can’t even think straight or even focus in uni or even drive properly. Everyone else has a better life than me I know I should stop complaining and just try to make things better for myself but that’s so much easier being said than done. I’ve tried everything but nothing has worked for me . I see the guy that my girlfriend cheated on me with he laughs right at my face just a spit on my face to show what a failure I am. 

Sorry for all the self loathing but I just have no one to talk to. Might just drive my car off the bridge tonight",nikster008,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcq6s9/not_feeling_stable/,really bad place mentally grateful little thing life odds stacked even think straight even focus uni even drive properly everyone else ha better life know stop complaining try make thing better much easier said done tried everything nothing ha worked see guy girlfriend cheated laugh right face spit face show failure sorry self loathing one talk might drive car bridge tonight,feeling stable,nik ster 008,679,18,nik ster 008 really bad place mentally grateful little thing life odds stacked even think straight even focus uni even drive properly everyone else ha better life know stop complaining try make thing better much easier said done tried everything nothing ha worked see guy girlfriend cheated laugh right face spit face show failure sorry self loathing one talk might drive car bridge tonight feeling stable
I really fucked up,"I messed up. I screwed up the trust I've built with my boyfriend who has paranoia.

My entire life I was afraid of confronting people. I got it from my parents. I would either get yelled at asking for help or they would help. It scared me that I couldn't confront normally as anyone else would. My boyfriend had problems carrying from toxic relationships he's had and I felt like he was bringing it into ours. I wanted to help him but instead of confronting him first I confronted a friend and told them what was up. The promises I've made to him, broken. I wanted to help him first and I felt that it was necessary. Then, because of all of this, my best friend and he argued and argued and they broke off, a lot of details here are not added because it's personal but I just felt like I'm at the bottom of the food chain. Why be here if I just destroy everything. I broke the trust I've built into him, I ruined a friendship I've had and one of the ones my boyfriend had. I feel like I just don't deserve to exist and I've always felt like that from all the mistakes I make. I just wanted to help but instead, I bring misery. I'm sorry for posting this and dabbling on but I felt like I needed to just choke something out because my heart just hurts from repeating the same thoughts in my head that I'm the worst and it would've been better if my suicide attempt two years ago worked. Guilt is eating me out and I don't know what to do. I want help but I don't know what to do. I can't get therapy until September and I feel like even if I did, nothing would change what I do and how I hurt everyone around me.",PomPomEni,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcstaj/i_really_fucked_up/,messed screwed trust built boyfriend ha paranoia entire life wa afraid confronting people got parent would either get yelled asking help would help scared confront normally anyone else would boyfriend problem carrying toxic relationship felt like wa bringing wanted help instead confronting first confronted friend told wa promise made broken wanted help first felt wa necessary best friend argued argued broke lot detail added personal felt like bottom food chain destroy everything broke trust built ruined friendship one one boyfriend feel like deserve exist always felt like mistake make wanted help instead bring misery sorry posting dabbling felt like needed choke something heart hurt repeating thought head worst would better suicide attempt two year ago worked guilt eating know want help know get therapy september feel like even nothing would change hurt everyone around,really fucked,pompom eni,1611,18,pompom eni messed screwed trust built boyfriend ha paranoia entire life wa afraid confronting people got parent would either get yelled asking help would help scared confront normally anyone else would boyfriend problem carrying toxic relationship felt like wa bringing wanted help instead confronting first confronted friend told wa promise made broken wanted help first felt wa necessary best friend argued argued broke lot detail added personal felt like bottom food chain destroy everything broke trust built ruined friendship one one boyfriend feel like deserve exist always felt like mistake make wanted help instead bring misery sorry posting dabbling felt like needed choke something heart hurt repeating thought head worst would better suicide attempt two year ago worked guilt eating know want help know get therapy september feel like even nothing would change hurt everyone around really fucked
Best caliber for suicide?,"Deciding I'm going to end my life and I want it to be as painless as possible. Please don't waste time trying to talk me out of it, I just feel life suicide should be everyones right. 

If I was shooting myself in the head, what caliber is best?

9mm, smaller. Better penetration, but maybe won't penetrate skull? 

.40, feeling like it's the best of both worlds between 9mm and .45, bigger and more power.

.45 bigger, but slower bullet, maybe won't penetrate skull either at point blank range. 

.357 sig, feeling like it should be either this or the .40, although my military friend says .40 sucks and 9mm is better than .40. 

What do you think? Been watching penetration videos on YouTube but obviously none of them are for a skullx or point blank.

Really don't want to end up in a hospital bed. Was planning on doing it at my temple but read there is no brain matter at the temple may not work. Too afraid to do it through roof of mouth, like maybe I would survive and choke to death in my own blood. Deciding to go a little higher than temple and toward the middle, but skull is harder, what do you think?",KTenacious19,0,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcrnc7/best_caliber_for_suicide/,deciding going end life want painless possible please waste time trying talk feel life suicide everyones right wa shooting head caliber best 9mm smaller better penetration maybe penetrate skull 40 feeling like best world 9mm 45 bigger power 45 bigger slower bullet maybe penetrate skull either point blank range 357 sig feeling like either 40 although military friend say 40 suck 9mm better 40 think watching penetration video youtube obviously none skullx point blank really want end hospital bed wa planning temple read brain matter temple may work afraid roof mouth like maybe would survive choke death blood deciding go little higher temple toward middle skull harder think,best caliber suicide,k tenacious 19,1113,25,k tenacious 19 deciding going end life want painless possible please waste time trying talk feel life suicide everyones right wa shooting head caliber best 9mm smaller better penetration maybe penetrate skull 40 feeling like best world 9mm 45 bigger power 45 bigger slower bullet maybe penetrate skull either point blank range 357 sig feeling like either 40 although military friend say 40 suck 9mm better 40 think watching penetration video youtube obviously none skullx point blank really want end hospital bed wa planning temple read brain matter temple may work afraid roof mouth like maybe would survive choke death blood deciding go little higher temple toward middle skull harder think best caliber suicide
How hard is it to actually kill yourself,"I am going to be a free man only for few weeks , so I wanted to kill my self within this time,  I don't own gun and neither I can buy one , and other ways just seem not to give guarantee of death .
Can't do better in life, can't die, how frustrating is all this.",Iwanttolive2,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcv49l/how_hard_is_it_to_actually_kill_yourself/,going free man week wanted kill self within time gun neither buy one way seem give guarantee death better life die frustrating,hard actually kill,want live 2,262,40,want live 2 going free man week wanted kill self within time gun neither buy one way seem give guarantee death better life die frustrating hard actually kill
My girlfriend took some pills and isn’t answering calls.,"20 min ago i talked to my girlfriend and she said she wants to kill herself, she got in a fight with her parrents won’t tell me why and just told me she loves me no matter what, told me she took some pills different kinds and i keep texting and calling she isn’t answering, tried to contact mutual friend she isn’t answering either, i can contact her only over internet since im not in the country, please tell me what do i do???",TheUnspokenOne90,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcv2t1/my_girlfriend_took_some_pills_and_isnt_answering/,20 min ago talked girlfriend said want kill got fight parrents tell told love matter told took pill different kind keep texting calling answering tried contact mutual friend answering either contact internet since im country please tell,girlfriend took pill answering call,unspoken one 90,429,56,unspoken one 90 20 min ago talked girlfriend said want kill got fight parrents tell told love matter told took pill different kind keep texting calling answering tried contact mutual friend answering either contact internet since im country please tell girlfriend took pill answering call
I hate myself,I’m such a pussy. I should have broken that glass and sliced my neck open when I had the chance. Now the cops are gonna take me to Austin oaks. They are hurt me again I can’t,mangosparklingwater,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcppqv/i_hate_myself/,pussy broken glass sliced neck open chance cop gonna take austin oak hurt,hate,mango sparkling water,174,13,mango sparkling water pussy broken glass sliced neck open chance cop gonna take austin oak hurt hate
"after so many years in depression, i went through the suicidal thoughts stage and settled for suicide.","thinking about the time of my death is the only thing that leaves me alone, do any of you feel that way totootootoowa",klayhanna,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcuutu/after_so_many_years_in_depression_i_went_through/,thinking time death thing leaf alone feel way totootootoowa,many year depression went suicidal thought stage settled suicide,k lay hanna,117,102,k lay hanna thinking time death thing leaf alone feel way totootootoowa many year depression went suicidal thought stage settled suicide
I’m killing myself today,"I don’t know if it will work but I don’t care. No body wants me here. I’m always alone. When I think i’ve found someone they always leave me. When i’m happy and finally start to believe i’m getting better it’s always ripped away from me. I’m too fat. I’m too ugly. I’m too dumb. I will never be enough. No one will miss me. No one will cry. If they will they will forget about me in a few days.




Goodbye",MichiDraws,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcurtv/im_killing_myself_today/,know work care body want always alone think found someone always leave happy finally start believe getting better always ripped away fat ugly dumb never enough one miss one cry forget day goodbye,killing today,ichi draw,406,24,ichi draw know work care body want always alone think found someone always leave happy finally start believe getting better always ripped away fat ugly dumb never enough one miss one cry forget day goodbye killing today
Just losing energy and a will to live,"I wake up and all of my energy goes to getting showered and out the door. The drive to work I spend my entire time stopping myself from just speeding into a wall. I don’t find joy in life, I have lost my own identity and I can’t figure out who I am. I genuinely feel like my dog is the only reason I’m not dead. He looks at me with such love but he is 12 and it’s not looking good. I think I might go when he does",PowderKeg070,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcsf4i/just_losing_energy_and_a_will_to_live/,wake energy go getting showered door drive work spend entire time stopping speeding wall find joy life lost identity figure genuinely feel like dog reason dead look love 12 looking good think might go doe,losing energy live,powder keg 070,413,37,powder keg 070 wake energy go getting showered door drive work spend entire time stopping speeding wall find joy life lost identity figure genuinely feel like dog reason dead look love 12 looking good think might go doe losing energy live
I don’t know if I can make it to my first therapy session. My mental time is ticking.,"It’s next week, but I’ve had consistent panic attacks for the past week and it’s becoming too much. It’s too much. I’ve been falling off a cliff and I can see the end.

I’ve ruined my friendships, ruined my future, ruined my life. I don’t know what’s left. Everything is pointless now.

I’m scared.",yuukand,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcqcwr/i_dont_know_if_i_can_make_it_to_my_first_therapy/,next week consistent panic attack past week becoming much much falling cliff see end ruined friendship ruined future ruined life know left everything pointless scared,know make first therapy session mental time ticking,yu uk,298,85,yu uk next week consistent panic attack past week becoming much much falling cliff see end ruined friendship ruined future ruined life know left everything pointless scared know make first therapy session mental time ticking
Ever feel like a fraud?,"So I like to help people through their suicidal thoughts. I really do. But sometimes when helping people I feel like a fraud knowing one day sooner than later, I'm going to end my own life. I always say in my head that I'm helping those who are going through a rough period in their lives and that it will get better for them. I truly believe that. I just don't believe I'm ever going to get better. I kinda know better for myself. This has been something I've lived with forever, what's the point in lying to myself.",-Eliza-beth-,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcllij/ever_feel_like_a_fraud/,like help people suicidal thought really sometimes helping people feel like fraud knowing one day sooner later going end life always say head helping going rough period life get better truly believe believe ever going get better kinda know better ha something lived forever point lying,ever feel like fraud,eliza beth,517,23,eliza beth like help people suicidal thought really sometimes helping people feel like fraud knowing one day sooner later going end life always say head helping going rough period life get better truly believe believe ever going get better kinda know better ha something lived forever point lying ever feel like fraud
I feel like I can’t live without her.,"we dated for a year. i broke up with her because we were arguing all the time and she was always getting mad at me. alas, i could’ve been better about not making her mad but anyways, it happened. she tried to reach out the first two weeks after it happened but i felt that we needed time to mature if we wanted to get back together. i still loved her and wanted to be with her, but i felt we needed time. about a month later, i got back in contact and she had started to try to move on. had done stuff with another guy. i fought. and fought. and fought. and fought. things started to pick up. we were hanging out again. it felt like we were back together. i kept fighting. kept fighting. kept fighting. kept fighting. till about 3 months later when she said she didn’t feel the same anymore. and she’d done stuff with 3 other guys. granted, she’s single and she can do what she wants. i just wish she would’ve told me sooner. she said she’ll always have some sort of feelings for me and that i was the first person she loved. all of this to say, i still am so in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. i really do. i don’t want to live without her. for the first time since i was bullied in middle school (i’m in college now), i’m having genuine suicidal thoughts again. i don’t want to live without her. i can’t stand the thought of not being with her. and her being with someone else. i want that to be me. i want her to love me again and see that i can be the man she wants and needs. i don’t know what to do with myself. i’ve hardly been eating these past few days and just genuinely haven’t been hungry. if i don’t work during the week (i work a part time job landscaping and we work if the weather permits, lately it has not) i just lay in bed and sulk and sleep. that’s all. i don’t know what to do with myself and i don’t want to live without her. she’s moved on and likes someone else now and they spend time together. and i can’t take it. i don’t know what to do.",austinh7298,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcs773/i_feel_like_i_cant_live_without_her/,dated year broke arguing time wa always getting mad ala could better making mad anyways happened tried reach first two week happened felt needed time mature wanted get back together still loved wanted felt needed time month later got back contact started try move done stuff another guy fought fought fought fought thing started pick hanging felt like back together kept fighting kept fighting kept fighting kept fighting till 3 month later said feel anymore done stuff 3 guy granted single want wish would told sooner said always sort feeling wa first person loved say still love want spend rest life really want live without first time since wa bullied middle school college genuine suicidal thought want live without stand thought someone else want want love see man want need know hardly eating past day genuinely hungry work week work part time job landscaping work weather permit lately ha lay bed sulk sleep know want live without moved like someone else spend time together take know,feel like live without,austin h 7298,1996,37,austin h 7298 dated year broke arguing time wa always getting mad ala could better making mad anyways happened tried reach first two week happened felt needed time mature wanted get back together still loved wanted felt needed time month later got back contact started try move done stuff another guy fought fought fought fought thing started pick hanging felt like back together kept fighting kept fighting kept fighting kept fighting till 3 month later said feel anymore done stuff 3 guy granted single want wish would told sooner said always sort feeling wa first person loved say still love want spend rest life really want live without first time since wa bullied middle school college genuine suicidal thought want live without stand thought someone else want want love see man want need know hardly eating past day genuinely hungry work week work part time job landscaping work weather permit lately ha lay bed sulk sleep know want live without moved like someone else spend time together take know feel like live without
"Constantly thinking about suicide, nothing to live for etc","Lately I've been experiencing more and more suicidal thoughts, I cry all the time and worry about everything. I feel like I have nothing going for me in my life and that the better years are behind me. 
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 17 (I'm now 25), and have been on fluoxetine on and off, and on various doses, since then. On valentine's Day this year I was put on Zoloft after finally going back to the doctors. I have had CBT and counseling in the past but just nothing seems to work and it's all too much for me to cope with. 
I've spent the majority of today researching suicide methods because I just can't cope anymore. 
I'm sorry for posting but I just don't know what to do.",chanberries123,8,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fchye7/constantly_thinking_about_suicide_nothing_to_live/,lately experiencing suicidal thought cry time worry everything feel like nothing going life better year behind wa diagnosed depression anxiety wa 17 25 fluoxetine various dos since valentine day year wa put zoloft finally going back doctor cbt counseling past nothing seems work much cope spent majority today researching suicide method cope anymore sorry posting know,constantly thinking suicide nothing live etc,chan berry 123,708,58,chan berry 123 lately experiencing suicidal thought cry time worry everything feel like nothing going life better year behind wa diagnosed depression anxiety wa 17 25 fluoxetine various dos since valentine day year wa put zoloft finally going back doctor cbt counseling past nothing seems work much cope spent majority today researching suicide method cope anymore sorry posting know constantly thinking suicide nothing live etc
Have nothing in common with anyone,"just noticed this. Why I don’t have any lifelong friends from elementary or middle school like everyone else does, or why I never had a boyfriend from my hometown of state. I don’t have the same humor, mindset, hobbies or interests of these fucking people but I won’t conform to them either. Don’t even sound like any of them. Living in the Bay Area makes it even worse cause there’s this new cancer generation of tech assholes over here. Everyone’s the same..fake

No ones kind or genuine anymore 
Never felt comfortable here and now it’s below fucking 0 
Want to kill myself, I’m never getting out of here",annifrank1723,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcqte6/have_nothing_in_common_with_anyone/,noticed lifelong friend elementary middle school like everyone else doe never boyfriend hometown state humor mindset hobby interest fucking people conform either even sound like living bay area make even worse cause new cancer generation tech asshole everyone fake one kind genuine anymore never felt comfortable fucking 0 want kill never getting,nothing common anyone,ni frank 1723,607,34,ni frank 1723 noticed lifelong friend elementary middle school like everyone else doe never boyfriend hometown state humor mindset hobby interest fucking people conform either even sound like living bay area make even worse cause new cancer generation tech asshole everyone fake one kind genuine anymore never felt comfortable fucking 0 want kill never getting nothing common anyone
"Nobody cares and ""help"" doesnt work","I don't have any friends, haven't for years. I go months without talking to anyone and I cry when I see happy people in public. I have a lot of trauma from sexual abuse+trafficking and it makes me not want to live in such a sick world. I first got diagnosed with depression when I was 8. I don't see a point in going on. People would say it gets better but it's gotten objectively worse every year for nearly a decade. I'll never be healthy enough to have the life I want. I've tried all sorts of things including CBT, DBT, EMDR, yoga, meditation, behavioral therapy, art therapy, etc. I eat healthy, I do everything I'm supposed to. I've tried dozens of medications ranging from anti depressants to anxiety meds to mood stabilizers, all which in the end have either caused a severe health side effect, made me even more suicidal, or made me psychotic.

If you try to get ""help"" and talk to someone about being suicidal in the US you're just apprehended by police, handcuffed, thrown in an ambulance, and shipped off to a psych ward where staff verbally and physically abuses you for the next 72 hours to 2 weeks. (At the youth psych ward by my house they put you in solitary confinement for CRYING). Then you get out feeling even more scared and hopeless, disgruntled with the world and sickened by the fact that this is the ""help"" out there. Then you get more suicidal because you were just abused for days on end and realize there's literally nothing you can do. So you'll get locked in the psych ward again, be treated like shit again, continue getting more depressed, angry, and resentful, rinse and repeat. The system just chips away at you until there's nothing left so that you finally off yourself so they don't have to deal with you anymore.",Foreverhater,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcqs08/nobody_cares_and_help_doesnt_work/,friend year go month without talking anyone cry see happy people public lot trauma sexual abuse trafficking make want live sick world first got diagnosed depression wa 8 see point going people would say get better gotten objectively worse every year nearly decade never healthy enough life want tried sort thing including cbt dbt emdr yoga meditation behavioral therapy art therapy etc eat healthy everything supposed tried dozen medication ranging anti depressant anxiety med mood stabilizer end either caused severe health side effect made even suicidal made psychotic try get help talk someone suicidal u apprehended police handcuffed thrown ambulance shipped psych ward staff verbally physically abuse next 72 hour 2 week youth psych ward house put solitary confinement cry get feeling even scared hopeless disgruntled world sickened fact help get suicidal abused day end realize literally nothing get locked psych ward treated like shit continue getting depressed angry resentful rinse repeat system chip away nothing left finally deal anymore,nobody care help doesnt work,forever hater,1751,35,forever hater friend year go month without talking anyone cry see happy people public lot trauma sexual abuse trafficking make want live sick world first got diagnosed depression wa 8 see point going people would say get better gotten objectively worse every year nearly decade never healthy enough life want tried sort thing including cbt dbt emdr yoga meditation behavioral therapy art therapy etc eat healthy everything supposed tried dozen medication ranging anti depressant anxiety med mood stabilizer end either caused severe health side effect made even suicidal made psychotic try get help talk someone suicidal u apprehended police handcuffed thrown ambulance shipped psych ward staff verbally physically abuse next 72 hour 2 week youth psych ward house put solitary confinement cry get feeling even scared hopeless disgruntled world sickened fact help get suicidal abused day end realize literally nothing get locked psych ward treated like shit continue getting depressed angry resentful rinse repeat system chip away nothing left finally deal anymore nobody care help doesnt work
Does the suicide helpline help? And work?,emptypost,HoshiAndy,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcpr62/does_the_suicide_helpline_help_and_work/,emptypost,doe suicide helpline help work,hoshi andy,9,41,hoshi andy emptypost doe suicide helpline help work
"To those concerned with how they look, ""the way you look in the mirror.""","I used to be concerned with my image too, until once I came up with a little thought experiment.

Imagine that you live in a world where you look to others the way you feel, and depending on how good you feel inside how good you appear to others. This is kind of real for hormones and these produce pheromones. Anyone can feel a certain way within, and this has a direct impact in others. Not only that, but the fact that most of the time you are not looking at yourself, the only thing you percieve of yourself is how you feel, so focus on just that.

​

We live in a world where everyone is self conscious, so never think people are observing you more than that people are just focused on how the world percieves them, just what happens to you, so come out of that mental trancestate and be one of the few people that can burst out of that bubble.",Asasuma,4,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcltz3/to_those_concerned_with_how_they_look_the_way_you/,used concerned image came little thought experiment imagine live world look others way feel depending good feel inside good appear others kind real hormone produce pheromone anyone feel certain way within ha direct impact others fact time looking thing percieve feel focus amp x200b live world everyone self conscious never think people observing people focused world percieves happens come mental trancestate one people burst bubble,concerned look way look mirror,uma,860,72,uma used concerned image came little thought experiment imagine live world look others way feel depending good feel inside good appear others kind real hormone produce pheromone anyone feel certain way within ha direct impact others fact time looking thing percieve feel focus amp x200b live world everyone self conscious never think people observing people focused world percieves happens come mental trancestate one people burst bubble concerned look way look mirror
people dont believe im trying anymore,"whenever i plead and try to tell people im trying as hard as i can, i get a hard ""no youre not""

if it doesnt seem like im trying anymore, why do i try? why try anymore?",gr33nthundah,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcqkuv/people_dont_believe_im_trying_anymore/,whenever plead try tell people im trying hard get hard youre doesnt seem like im trying anymore try try anymore,people dont believe im trying anymore,gr 33 n thun dah,169,37,gr 33 n thun dah whenever plead try tell people im trying hard get hard youre doesnt seem like im trying anymore try try anymore people dont believe im trying anymore
"yesterday I died in my dream, what a wonderful dream that was.","**depressed people wanna live too.... you know hahaha!**

**(kill me pls)**

[**https://open.spotify.com/user/iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e?si=t\_1QVucLR6SiEKCf4qyCiQ**](https://open.spotify.com/user/iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e?si=t_1QVucLR6SiEKCf4qyCiQ)

**l got really depressing song on my Spotify playlist if you wanna hear?**",outakuslayer69,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcttnq/yesterday_i_died_in_my_dream_what_a_wonderful/,depressed people wanna live know hahaha kill pls http open spotify com user iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e si _1qvuclr6siekcf4qyciq http open spotify com user iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e si t_1qvuclr6siekcf4qyciq l got really depressing song spotify playlist wanna hear,yesterday died dream wonderful dream wa,aku slayer 69,324,62,aku slayer 69 depressed people wanna live know hahaha kill pls http open spotify com user iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e si _1qvuclr6siekcf4qyciq http open spotify com user iy60tufjnk1h2uufwng66lb4e si t_1qvuclr6siekcf4qyciq l got really depressing song spotify playlist wanna hear yesterday died dream wonderful dream wa
Housing- Unsure what to do as I dont plan on living more than a decade,"I have chronic mental illness, no desire to have kids, and little desire to be in a relationship. I feel like I'm holding out until my Dad dies because I know loosing me would break his heart.

I anticipate another 5-10 years but am unsure if I should rent and save no money or attempt to mortgage a condo. I want to do whatever would be both comfortable for the time I am living and economically viable for those still here after I go.

A few months ago I was really having a hard time and was unsure if I would even make it this far. Medication has helped a lot but I just have little desire to exist for a full human lifespan. I know I am not the only one.",RainbowCrash311,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcttjz/housing_unsure_what_to_do_as_i_dont_plan_on/,chronic mental illness desire kid little desire relationship feel like holding dad dy know loosing would break heart anticipate another 5 10 year unsure rent save money attempt mortgage condo want whatever would comfortable time living economically viable still go month ago wa really hard time wa unsure would even make far medication ha helped lot little desire exist full human lifespan know one,housing unsure dont plan living decade,rainbow crash 311,659,70,rainbow crash 311 chronic mental illness desire kid little desire relationship feel like holding dad dy know loosing would break heart anticipate another 5 10 year unsure rent save money attempt mortgage condo want whatever would comfortable time living economically viable still go month ago wa really hard time wa unsure would even make far medication ha helped lot little desire exist full human lifespan know one housing unsure dont plan living decade
I’m giving up hope.,It’s been almost a year since I was put on antidepressants and nothings changed. They’ve tried different meds and different doses but it doesn’t work. At first I was slowly giving up but now I just rapidly feel like nobody can help me like I’m just a shit stain everyone walks on and I know for a fucking fact I wouldn’t be missed. Jesus Christ I sound pitiful but god damn it there’s nothing left for me. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD recently and they tell me that my depression is from the PTSD but Jesus I feel like I’m just another mark on the books of a fucked up people. Every day I hope to fucking god I don’t wake up and every day I do. Everyday it takes me two hours to get to sleep only to have nightmares and wake up after two hours. I’m so fucking tired and I’m so fucking done with trying. The universe has won and I feel like now it’s just waiting with a bowl of popcorn to see how I end. I feel like I’m constantly screaming and screaming in a room full of people but nobody cares to look nobody hears me. It’s just so fucking worthless to keep trying it seems.,Boogiedat,7,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fctt7p/im_giving_up_hope/,almost year since wa put antidepressant nothing changed tried different med different dos work first wa slowly giving rapidly feel like nobody help like shit stain everyone walk know fucking fact missed jesus christ sound pitiful god damn nothing left diagnosed ptsd recently tell depression ptsd jesus feel like another mark book fucked people every day hope fucking god wake every day everyday take two hour get sleep nightmare wake two hour fucking tired fucking done trying universe ha feel like waiting bowl popcorn see end feel like constantly screaming screaming room full people nobody care look nobody hears fucking worthless keep trying seems,giving hope,boogied,1077,19,boogied almost year since wa put antidepressant nothing changed tried different med different dos work first wa slowly giving rapidly feel like nobody help like shit stain everyone walk know fucking fact missed jesus christ sound pitiful god damn nothing left diagnosed ptsd recently tell depression ptsd jesus feel like another mark book fucked people every day hope fucking god wake every day everyday take two hour get sleep nightmare wake two hour fucking tired fucking done trying universe ha feel like waiting bowl popcorn see end feel like constantly screaming screaming room full people nobody care look nobody hears fucking worthless keep trying seems giving hope
The Day My Mom Dies Is The Day I Do Too,"My mom is my biggest supporter but also the most sensitive and emotional person there is. When I want her to cheer me up, she starts crying too because she’s so empathetic and it ends up being me who has to cheer HER up. She doesn’t mean to, it just happens. I love her to death but her emotions often comes first. Which makes me not wanna talk to her about my health at all.

I turned 16 yesterday, but I feel like my life is going by way too fast. I’m gay, have no friends and all I do is lie in bed and cry. 

Because I’m gay, I’ll never experience the feeling of having a teenage romance. I’ll never get asked to prom. I’ll never glance at a guy in my class and get a smile or a glance back. I’d say I’m fairly handsome to my knowledge and I try to care for others so it’s not that I’m undateable. It’s just that “everybody’s straight until proven gay”, if you know what I mean.

I just wanna live in a world where I can ask for a guys number without him being weirded out because “he’s not a homo”.

My life is going by way too fast. I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever. I’m impatient. I know I’m only 16. But I’m already so tired of this life. I’m missing out on so much the other straight kids my age are doing. I wanna live their simple life, but obviously I can’t. 

I’m just so tired of everything. I want it to end. I want to believe that I’ll be reborn as a straight guy or girl. To fall in love and having a chance with them. I want to live that life. I want to live an easy life with the only struggle being that the screen on my phone has a crack. I don’t believe in it, I just wish that’s what happens when you die.

But I can’t take my life. I could never do that to my mom. As I said: she’s emotional. She would be heartbroken. She’s been depressed before and I’m certain she would grow into old habits if I were to disappear. 

Sometimes I just wish she would die so I could take my life without hurting her. It’s awful and I’m ashamed to be writing this. I just want everything to end. I want everything to end with my mom.

-

EDIT: Hey, it’s me a few hours later. I almost become a different person when I have these kind of depressive episodes. Looking back at this post now, I feel bad. I now understand that what I said can come across as ignorant. Which I certainly am. I’m only 16. I have a whole life in front of me. And when I’m feeling this down, I push all positive things about my life away. I have to hold on. I have to wait. My life has barely begun.

I don’t actually want my mom to die. I just wanted to disappear without leaving her behind. I’m feeling better now but I’m sure I’ll come back to this post when I’m sad again. Sorry for being dramatic and all over the place. But thank you all for taking your time to read and reply to this. It helps more than you think.",michael5976,11,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fch9ua/the_day_my_mom_dies_is_the_day_i_do_too/,mom biggest supporter also sensitive emotional person want cheer start cry empathetic end ha cheer mean happens love death emotion often come first make wanna talk health turned 16 yesterday feel like life going way fast gay friend lie bed cry gay never experience feeling teenage romance never get asked prom never glance guy class get smile glance back say fairly handsome knowledge try care others undateable everybody straight proven gay know mean wanna live world ask guy number without weirded homo life going way fast afraid alone forever impatient know 16 already tired life missing much straight kid age wanna live simple life obviously tired everything want end want believe reborn straight guy girl fall love chance want live life want live easy life struggle screen phone ha crack believe wish happens die take life could never mom said emotional would heartbroken depressed certain would grow old habit disappear sometimes wish would die could take life without hurting awful ashamed writing want everything end want everything end mom edit hey hour later almost become different person kind depressive episode looking back post feel bad understand said come across ignorant certainly 16 whole life front feeling push positive thing life away hold wait life ha barely begun actually want mom die wanted disappear without leaving behind feeling better sure come back post sad sorry dramatic place thank taking time read reply help think,day mom dy day,michael 5976,2803,39,michael 5976 mom biggest supporter also sensitive emotional person want cheer start cry empathetic end ha cheer mean happens love death emotion often come first make wanna talk health turned 16 yesterday feel like life going way fast gay friend lie bed cry gay never experience feeling teenage romance never get asked prom never glance guy class get smile glance back say fairly handsome knowledge try care others undateable everybody straight proven gay know mean wanna live world ask guy number without weirded homo life going way fast afraid alone forever impatient know 16 already tired life missing much straight kid age wanna live simple life obviously tired everything want end want believe reborn straight guy girl fall love chance want live life want live easy life struggle screen phone ha crack believe wish happens die take life could never mom said emotional would heartbroken depressed certain would grow old habit disappear sometimes wish would die could take life without hurting awful ashamed writing want everything end want everything end mom edit hey hour later almost become different person kind depressive episode looking back post feel bad understand said come across ignorant certainly 16 whole life front feeling push positive thing life away hold wait life ha barely begun actually want mom die wanted disappear without leaving behind feeling better sure come back post sad sorry dramatic place thank taking time read reply help think day mom dy day
I’m out of options,"I can’t believe I’m writing this. I’ve fought so hard for so long. I don’t want to die. I don’t. But I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t do it. The pain is so intense. I have nothing. There’s no hope left, there’s nothing more for me to try. I’ve been fighting depression for nearly a decade. So many different therapists, coping mechanisms, meds of different kinds and different doses. And here I am. 8 years later and in more pain than ever. I wanted to get better so bad. But it’s not possible. It’s just not possible. There’s nothing anymore. I dropped out of school. I have no job. No friends. I’m quickly running out of money. I’m so scared to attempt but I just don’t know what else to do. It hurts so bad.",sprinklesbubbles123,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcqfbu/im_out_of_options/,believe writing fought hard long want die live like anymore pain intense nothing hope left nothing try fighting depression nearly decade many different therapist coping mechanism med different kind different dos 8 year later pain ever wanted get better bad possible possible nothing anymore dropped school job friend quickly running money scared attempt know else hurt bad,option,sprinkle bubble 123,717,18,sprinkle bubble 123 believe writing fought hard long want die live like anymore pain intense nothing hope left nothing try fighting depression nearly decade many different therapist coping mechanism med different kind different dos 8 year later pain ever wanted get better bad possible possible nothing anymore dropped school job friend quickly running money scared attempt know else hurt bad option
HELP PLS!,"I'm a 20 y old student (nurse course), its 5 am, and I can't think straight right now. Last year I told my parents I wanted to drop out of university, and they forced me to stay, threatening to kick me out of home, get rid of my computer cellphone, basically destroy the things I love the most. Pls help, for real! This is 100% genuine, sry for any mistake but my head is spining 200km/h
 Edit:I want to quit but I'm afraid of their reaction.",Francosviky,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcpd07/help_pls/,20 old student nurse course 5 think straight right last year told parent wanted drop university forced stay threatening kick home get rid computer cellphone basically destroy thing love pls help real 100 genuine sry mistake head spining 200km h edit want quit afraid reaction,help pls,franco vi ky,442,9,franco vi ky 20 old student nurse course 5 think straight right last year told parent wanted drop university forced stay threatening kick home get rid computer cellphone basically destroy thing love pls help real 100 genuine sry mistake head spining 200km h edit want quit afraid reaction help pls
Hate myself etc,"Another period of apathy and emptiness setting in. Is that better than feeling miserable all day? I can’t tell, both are shitty ways of being 

Still want to kill myself

If meds don’t work I’m definitely killing myself, I can’t deal with this, everyone will be better off with me dead

I hate that I couldn’t die on the 29th of February like I wanted, not making the same mistake that kept me alive next time",SeaSaltSaw,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcqdgq/hate_myself_etc/,another period apathy emptiness setting better feeling miserable day tell shitty way still want kill med work definitely killing deal everyone better dead hate die 29th february like wanted making mistake kept alive next time,hate etc,sea salt saw,409,15,sea salt saw another period apathy emptiness setting better feeling miserable day tell shitty way still want kill med work definitely killing deal everyone better dead hate die 29th february like wanted making mistake kept alive next time hate etc
There’s no point,There’s literally no point in life. We live and we die. And life has been hell to me so far so why should I even bother finishing. I am almost at the point where I’m about to say fuck it and quit.,crybaby1577,2,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcqd1v/theres_no_point/,literally point life live die life ha hell far even bother finishing almost point say fuck quit,point,crybaby 1577,196,16,crybaby 1577 literally point life live die life ha hell far even bother finishing almost point say fuck quit point
I'm in so much pain,It's so hard just to get out of bed every morning. Right now I just want to die. It's too damn hard just to be alive in this world. I don't want to keep going. I don't want to keep fighting. I just wish it would all end and I could have peace. All I ever asked for out of life was for love. All I ever wanted was love. This world took that request and turned it back on me in the form of a million daggers to the heart. I can't bear it any more. I want to die.,BigPete543,6,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fckdff/im_in_so_much_pain/,hard get bed every morning right want die damn hard alive world want keep going want keep fighting wish would end could peace ever asked life wa love ever wanted wa love world took request turned back form million dagger heart bear want die,much pain,big pete 543,460,19,big pete 543 hard get bed every morning right want die damn hard alive world want keep going want keep fighting wish would end could peace ever asked life wa love ever wanted wa love world took request turned back form million dagger heart bear want die much pain
I'm too stupid to achieve anything in life. I'm thinking of taking my life tomorrow night.,"I have a low IQ. Twice I've been tested and both times I got an IQ around 84-85. Somehow, I didn't do entirely awful in school, I was able to be a B student without much studying. When I actually started studying I started to get grades in the 90s and even some at 100%. Even though I skimmed through with exemplary grades, I barely retained any of what I learned. Nobody around me believes that I am stupid because of my grades, but that is all they go off of. I have a poor vocabulary overall, especially in spoken word, and I cannot do basic mental math. I still count with my fingers and I am nineteen years old. I am from a low income, uneducated family so I was innately disadvantaged from birth, also with having my mom smoke weed and cigarettes throughout her pregnancy with me. During the 8th month of her pregnancy I detached from the placenta and they had to preform an emergency c-section. It is very likely that I have brain damage from oxygen deprivation. 

 I just feel incredibly empty every moment I am awake. My favorite time of the day is when I go to sleep at night, but night always goes by too quickly. Lately I've been spending everyday sleeping because I have much more joy in my dreams. I just want at least an average intelligence, at least. It is unbearable being aware every moment that I am dumb and will only ever be dumb. I have always aspired to leave the financial hole, but everyday that passes reminds me that it will probably never happen. At this point I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I am terrified to leave behind my family and my pets, but I know if I continue living my life will only get worse and worse. Please, if anyone could give me even just a smidgen of hope I will be greatly appreciative.",Elisbt,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcm96q/im_too_stupid_to_achieve_anything_in_life_im/,low iq twice tested time got iq around 84 85 somehow entirely awful school wa able b student without much studying actually started studying started get grade 90 even 100 even though skimmed exemplary grade barely retained learned nobody around belief stupid grade go poor vocabulary overall especially spoken word cannot basic mental math still count finger nineteen year old low income uneducated family wa innately disadvantaged birth also mom smoke weed cigarette throughout pregnancy 8th month pregnancy detached placenta preform emergency c section likely brain damage oxygen deprivation feel incredibly empty every moment awake favorite time day go sleep night night always go quickly lately spending everyday sleeping much joy dream want least average intelligence least unbearable aware every moment dumb ever dumb always aspired leave financial hole everyday pass reminds probably never happen point feel like stuck rock hard place terrified leave behind family pet know continue living life get worse worse please anyone could give even smidgen hope greatly appreciative,stupid achieve anything life thinking taking life tomorrow night,eli sbt,1770,90,eli sbt low iq twice tested time got iq around 84 85 somehow entirely awful school wa able b student without much studying actually started studying started get grade 90 even 100 even though skimmed exemplary grade barely retained learned nobody around belief stupid grade go poor vocabulary overall especially spoken word cannot basic mental math still count finger nineteen year old low income uneducated family wa innately disadvantaged birth also mom smoke weed cigarette throughout pregnancy 8th month pregnancy detached placenta preform emergency c section likely brain damage oxygen deprivation feel incredibly empty every moment awake favorite time day go sleep night night always go quickly lately spending everyday sleeping much joy dream want least average intelligence least unbearable aware every moment dumb ever dumb always aspired leave financial hole everyday pass reminds probably never happen point feel like stuck rock hard place terrified leave behind family pet know continue living life get worse worse please anyone could give even smidgen hope greatly appreciative stupid achieve anything life thinking taking life tomorrow night
Useless,"I don't feel useless, im useless.",Gayhova,5,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcthtl/useless/,feel useless im useless,useless,gay h ovum,33,7,gay h ovum feel useless im useless useless
"I wish it was as easy as disappearing into thin air, not a trace or a memory left","I wish there was some way I could will myself into non-existence. I regret my entire life and I know when I take my last breath no matter if it’s by my own hand or not I’ll regret my life. What’s stopping me now is I know if I did it it would probably kill my dad and I don’t want that. I have a daughter too but I feel like she would be better without me because why would you want to have a mom like me? I’m just a doormat for everyone and I go where people tell me. Whenever I ask for help I get it thrown back in my face so what’s the point anymore. I don’t sacrifice enough they say even though I don’t have a life anymore I don’t even have room to breathe I love her but is it selfish too selfish to wish I hd jsut a few hours a week to do something productive for myself. Just get rid of the noise and let me breathe again Why can’t I? I’ve already asked for help but no no it’s just me. It’s all my fault. It’s my fault for not making time for myself but no one seems to understand no matter how much I explain or how much I ask for help. I’m breaking down why doesn’t anyone understand that Doormat doormat even when I stand up for myself to try and not be a doormat the shit gets stomped even deeper into every fiber of my being it feels like agony agony agony. I regret everything I’m fucking miserable miserable miserable. I wish I never existed I wish I never made these ties life is awful, why would anyone ever do this to a sentient creature. Life is so fuckkng  horrible. It’s been so long now I’ve been living like this and it’s agony what a terrible mother I am can’t sacrifice enough, just wish I never existed and I never knew anyone and no one ever knew me",evofe,1,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcrfoz/i_wish_it_was_as_easy_as_disappearing_into_thin/,wish wa way could non existence regret entire life know take last breath matter hand regret life stopping know would probably kill dad want daughter feel like would better without would want mom like doormat everyone go people tell whenever ask help get thrown back face point anymore sacrifice enough say even though life anymore even room breathe love selfish selfish wish hd jsut hour week something productive get rid noise let breathe already asked help fault fault making time one seems understand matter much explain much ask help breaking anyone understand doormat doormat even stand try doormat shit get stomped even deeper every fiber feel like agony agony agony regret everything fucking miserable miserable miserable wish never existed wish never made tie life awful would anyone ever sentient creature life fuckkng horrible long living like agony terrible mother sacrifice enough wish never existed never knew anyone one ever knew,wish wa easy disappearing thin air trace memory left,ev e,1677,81,ev e wish wa way could non existence regret entire life know take last breath matter hand regret life stopping know would probably kill dad want daughter feel like would better without would want mom like doormat everyone go people tell whenever ask help get thrown back face point anymore sacrifice enough say even though life anymore even room breathe love selfish selfish wish hd jsut hour week something productive get rid noise let breathe already asked help fault fault making time one seems understand matter much explain much ask help breaking anyone understand doormat doormat even stand try doormat shit get stomped even deeper every fiber feel like agony agony agony regret everything fucking miserable miserable miserable wish never existed wish never made tie life awful would anyone ever sentient creature life fuckkng horrible long living like agony terrible mother sacrifice enough wish never existed never knew anyone one ever knew wish wa easy disappearing thin air trace memory left
i dont know what to do with myself right now,"i want to die but most of all i think i want to feel pain. i just want to feel *something* and if death is they way to get that then so be it. sorry for posting so much today anyways, im so very torn rn",ponkichii,3,1,https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fcq3ox/i_dont_know_what_to_do_with_myself_right_now/,want die think want feel pain want feel something death way get sorry posting much today anyways im torn rn,dont know right,pon k ichi,202,44,pon k ichi want die think want feel pain want feel something death way get sorry posting much today anyways im torn rn dont know right