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title: ▍The Science Behind Dramatically Better Conversations
created: 2025-10-25T16:38:48
modified: 2025-12-04T17:06:31
draft: false
category: TED Talk
author: Charles Duhigg
url: https://youtu.be/lg48Bi9DA54
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We tend to think of a discussion as **one** conversation. But, in fact, each discussion contains **many** conversations.
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“Supercommunicators” understand that whenever we speak, we’re actually participating in one of the three conversations:
1. **Practical**: _What is this really about?_ → You offer help.
2. **Emotional**: _How do we feel?_ → You simply listen.
3. **Social**: _Who are we?_ → You reciprocate vulnerability.
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# The Matching Principle
* Successful communication requires recognizing what _kind_ of conversation is occurring and _matching_ one another.
* If you don’t know what kind of conversation you’re having, it’s unlikely to connect.
* When you’re frustrated that someone isn’t listening, the real problem might be that you’re having different types of conversations. Next time, pause and ask yourself: What kind of conversation are we actually having? Then match their energy.
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# How to figure out which of the three conversations we’re in?
Ask “deep questions”: Instead of asking the _facts_ of someone’s life, ask how they _feel_ about life.
1. Where do you work? → What do you love about your job?
2. Where did you go to high school? → What was high school like? What did you learn there? What changed you there?
3. “When was the last time you cried in front of someone?”