--- title: Communication created: 2024-11-18T09:18:12 modified: 2025-12-21T14:41:36 --- > _“The greatest communication is usually how we are rather than what we say.” — Joseph Goldstein_ True communication goes far beyond words. Often, it’s the way we show up—our presence, our calm, and our authenticity—that speaks volumes without uttering a word. Goldstein’s insight reminds us to focus on being fully present and genuine, knowing that these qualities often communicate more deeply than any words. --- * Communication is not about saying what we think. Communication is about ensuring others hear what we mean. * Communication is about what is received, not what is intended. If there is a gap between what you are saying and what they are hearing, you have to find a new way to say it. --- Nonverbal communication often plays a crucial role in how well a verbal communication is received. --- State the facts and tell the truth. Speak with [integrity](integrity.md)—say exactly what you mean and mean exactly what you say. > _“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” — Mark Twain_ > _“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Dr. Seuss_ > _“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” — André Gide_ * If you think something, say something. Don’t expect people to guess your thoughts and feelings. Don’t hold a grudge when people didn’t predict what you wanted them to do. Just tell them. * People can’t read your mind [^1] / the thoughts in your head, they can only react to your action/word. * People who use direct/precise/literal sentences ↔ People who use indirect/shadow/implied/figurative sentences * [It’s better to be direct about almost everything than to play a game of subtle hints and plausibly deniable nudges.](https://x.com/anuatluru/status/1849840069064159325) * 潛台詞：指話語背後隱藏的真正含義 * 誠實地說出自己的感受，不只是尊重自己，也是尊重他人。當你說出「真心話」時，其實只會有兩種結果： 1. 對方願意尊重你的感受，關係因此更緊密。 2. 對方無法接受你的真實樣貌，選擇離開，結束一段不健康的關係。 無論是何種結果，其實都是好事。 [Escape competition through authenticity](escape-competition-through-authenticity.md) --- # Be radically candid [How to Lead With Radical Candor \| Kim Scott \| TED](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmxHUiiHgNk) * Praise specifically. Criticize generally. * Praise in public. Criticize in private. --- # [Point Positive](https://sketchplanations.com/point-positive) [Don’t fix the blame, fix the problem.](https://sketchplanations.com/dont-fix-the-blame-fix-the-problem) --- [When facilitating, if you’re *talking too much*, or *working too hard*, you’re probably doing something wrong.](https://sketchplanations.com/when-facilitating-if-youre-talking-too-much-or-working-too-hard-youre-probably-doing-something-wrong) --- As [Neil Strauss](https://www.neilstrauss.com/) said, “_Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments._” I say, “_Shared expectations are adaptive gratification._” > _[“Timing influences communication. Talk about potential mistakes before they happen and people start looking for ways to prevent them. Talk about actual mistakes after they happen and people start looking for reasons to defend their actions. What do we need to be talking about now, so we can learn the lessons before we need them?” — James Clear](https://jamesclear.com/3-2-1/june-5-2025)_ * 3 Steps to avoid “unspoken expectations” 1. Start with facts and what you expect, specifically (think “painting done” [^2]). 2. Describe why it’s an expectation or concern. 3. Ask a question to invite them into the dialogue. --- # Adam Grant on unlocking someone’s potential: _“I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations, and I’m confident you can reach them.”_ --- # The Tip Framework To ensure clear communication, incorporate these three elements at the start of your message \[[02:26](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpFmRq5KeJs&t=146)]: 1. **Topic:** Clearly state the subject of the conversation \[[02:37](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpFmRq5KeJs&t=157)]. * Example: Start with a clear and specific topic sentence, such as “I’d like to talk about July sales figures” \[[04:40](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpFmRq5KeJs&t=280)]. 2. **Intent:** Explain what you want the other person to do with the information \[[05:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpFmRq5KeJs&t=310)]. * Example: Clearly state your intent, whether it’s to ask a question, get a decision, or simply vent \[[07:33](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpFmRq5KeJs&t=453)]. 3. **Point:** Summarize the most important information \[[08:19](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpFmRq5KeJs&t=499)]. * Example: Deliver the most important information upfront, like “Our project launch is going to be delayed by a month” \[[09:47](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpFmRq5KeJs&t=587)]. --- ## When someone has a problem, ask if they want empathy or a solution > _“Too often we look for strategies that will shift people out of negative emotion spaces, but that’s not always possible. During difficult times, sometimes we just need to be there for one another.” ― Marc Brackett, [Permission to Feel: The Power of Emotional Intelligence to Achieve Well-Being and Success](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/68114068)_ We often jump into “Mr. Fix It” mode, eager to [offer advice](advice.md) and [solve a problem](Problem%20Solving.md). However, this can create tension because people don’t always want a solution; sometimes, they just want to feel heard and understood. In fact, **most arguments are not really about the argument, so most arguments can’t be won by arguing.** The next time a friend, partner, or family member comes to you with a problem, resist the urge to immediately offer advice. Instead, take a moment and ask a simple question to clarify what they truly need. You can frame it as: * _“Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?”_ * [The 3H (Helped, Heard, or Hugged) Method](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lg48Bi9DA54&t=3m40s) 1. **Practical**: _What is this really about?_ → You offer help. 2. **Emotional**: _How do we feel?_ → You simply [listen](active-listening.md). 3. **Social**: _Who are we?_ → You reciprocate [vulnerability](vulnerability.md). * _“Do you want empathy or do you want a solution?”_ > Source: [Lisa Feldman Barrett: Balancing the Brain Budget \[The Knowledge Project Ep. #92\]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jORaNMIGiok&t=48m1s) This simple step can prevent misunderstandings and show that you’re there for them in the way they need you to be. People want to feel understood, and sometimes the best support you can offer is just your presence and a listening ear. --- # The power of over-communication When you think you’ve communicated too much, you probably haven’t communicated enough. When you think you’ve communicated plenty, you almost certainly haven’t. Different team members might interpret the shared information in different ways or have different levels of context or understanding. Overcommunicating means deliberately going beyond the minimum you think is necessary, and consequently ending up sharing exactly the right amount. --- [Feedback](feedback.md) [^1]: They are not “mind readers”. [^2]: This means to fully walk through expectations of what the completed task will look like, including when it will be done, how it will be used, the context, the consequences of not doing it, the costs—everything you can think of to paint a shared picture of the expectations.