Features – I'm Not That Drunk

Prepare for your day like Patrick Bateman

admin — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 22:43:03 +0000

As a teenager you no doubt slept until midday, rolled out of bed, played computer games and ate bowls of cereal. You probably didn’t shower until the evening and I’m guessing your job (if you had one) was rubbish. If you’re a student this’ll sound near identical to your life right now (except you’ll almost certainly not have a job). Ever thought you might need a kick up the backside to get yourself in gear each morning? Well let me tell you, if you’re ever going to make anything of yourself you’d better start taking the mornings seriously. Barack Obama starts his day with a 6.45am workout; Charles Darwin would go for a walk at precisely 7am; Immanuel Kant would drink 2 cups of weak tea and meditate. However the most effective morning ritual has got to be Patrick Bateman’s in the movie ‘American Psycho’. From a thousand stomach crunches to an Armani tie, Bateman took pride in his appearance and kept to a tight schedule from which you could learn a lot. You can see him in action here, and we’ve put together a step-by-step product guide…

1. Soundtrack for the abs

First thing’s first – whack on some Huey Lewis & the News or Phil Collins. You’ll need something for the morning workout and the 1980s has it. Bateman recommends ‘Hip to be square’.

2. Facial cooling pack

Unless you’re under 10 years old your eyes will be puffy just after waking up. No-one wants to leave the house looking like a newborn puppy so it’s essential that you get an ice pack on them as asap as possible. Teabags and slices of cucumber are for girls. Wear it while you work out.

3. Briefs that hug you

For the workout you’ll obviously need to admire your muscles at the same time as getting maximum flexibility. So you shouldn’t wear anything more than a pair of cotton boxers. Err on the side of tight fitting.

4. First drink of the morning

After working out, hydrate. Don’t bother with tap water – it’s full of estrogen and, more importantly, it’s free. Bateman likes San Pellegrino, which is stuffed full of minerals. Have a 24 pack in the cupboard because you don’t want to get caught dry.

5. The Bateman shower

Now it’s time for a shower. You won’t be sweating because you’re in such good shape, but it’s imperative you still look after your skin. It houses a magnificent machine. Plus, it’s important to take the time to marvel at your naked self. Follow this procedure closely:

a. Deep pore cleansing lotion

Apply a deep pore cleanser. This one, from Jock Soap, fights oil and bacteria, calms inflammation and costs just $20.

b. Water activated gel cleanser

Next for the water activated gel cleanser. When activated by water this cleanser transforms into a sleek, silky wash that frees skin from all impurities. If you think it’s expensive at over $30 I should tell you it’s made with Manuka honey, which you can’t even buy for less than $15.

c. Honey-almond body scrub

This is your opportunity to linger a bit longer massaging those abs and bulging biceps. Be liberal – it’s made with real almond and honey and costs less than $7. Bateman swears by it.

d. Facial exfoliating gel scrub

Now it’s time to use a facial exfoliating gel scrub like this one with green leaf extract, vitamin E and grape extract, for around $5. When you exfoliate you remove old, dry skin and as far as I’m aware dead skin cells never made a successful trade on the stock exchange. You’ll look younger and more radiant (in a good way, not like Jacob from Twilight).

e. Facial masque

When you’ve finished in the shower, apply the facial masque. Ok, so Patrick Bateman uses a mint masque, but this superfruits facial masque contains EIGHT super fruits, so it’s really bloody amazing. After 10 minutes peel it off like snakeskin, you absolute python.

f. Aftershave lotion

Facial hair is sloppy. Unless you’re working in a comic store, a hippy café or you’re homeless, shave. Afterwards use a good quality aftershave lotion like this classic from England. Oh, and don’t bother using it to strengthen your coffee – Bateman only uses the alcohol-free stuff.

g. Moisturizer

There is no ‘most important’ stage to Bateman’s morning routine. Having said that, moisturizing is probably the most important thing you’ll do all day. The only thing worse than dry skin is obesity, so fork out $17 for this nourishing cream which contains minerals all the way from the Dead Sea.

h. Anti-aging eye cream

You’re not going to look young forever and while there’s not much you can do about a receding hairline or deteriorating memory, at least ensure your eyes stay youthful. Who’s going to invest in your business if you look like one of those people in the third world that National Geographic always photograph (you know, the ones with loads of wrinkles because they’ve spent too much time outside)?

i. Moisturizing protective lotion

Last of all, slap on some moisturizing protective lotion. What’s the point in looking like an Adonis if the sun and wind are just going to mess it all up? Plus, you’ll need to protect yourself from all that money people are going to be throwing in your face. It’s like a condom for your beauty. And it costs less than $8.

6. And the rest…

Once finished applying the protective lotion Patrick Bateman’s ready to throw on a fresh pair of boxers (remember, nice and tight), shirt, tie, pinstripe suit, and Rolex. Here’s what else you’ll need for the day:

Undershirt

White cotton and hugs your contours like a race car.

Red suspenders

Because your pants will be so heavy with money.

Axe

Even though he lives in an apartment in New York City Patrick Bateman has an axe. So should you.

Clear raincoat

Protects expensive clothing well against the mess you might make chopping people up using the aforementioned axe.

13 ways to evolve before everyone else

admin — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 22:48:07 +0000

Unbeknownst to the other X-men, Wolverine had serious body confidence issues

So evolution is probably slowing down, what with all the health care and all the easy girls flying around. Being alpha male just doesn’t put you at the front of the pack anymore; you need to take matters into your own hands. You need to e-volve (sorry) and get the kit that naturally selects you. This feature is all about the things you can get for cheap(ish, but it’s all magical internet money anyway) that give you the super mutant powers that evolution should have given you by now. Whether you are planning to fight crime, impress girls or just upgrade your body – you can’t spell evolution without “drunk purchasing”.

Check out the gear below, in order from goggles to bionic legs.

1. Eyeclops Night Vision Goggles

Alright, first step, can you see in the dark? Nope? Option 1. Eat enough carrots to deprive a whole warren and then wait for evolution to kick in (don’t even think about commenting on how unscientific that is – I have a degree). Or, Option 2. Buy these Night Vision Goggles for under $100 and gain a super power – QED.

2. Sonic Super Ear

Now you’ve suped-up your favorite sense, time to get working on the other one. Plug some headphones into this baby and you’ll be able to hear things from 100 yards away – spidey sense for around $30, it’s too easy.

3. 5-Hour Energy (12 Pack)

I know enough about science to know that humans get tired. What was evolution thinking?? You are predator fodder for at least 25% of your life, this is definitely not cool in today’s modern world. Get a pack of 5-hour energy to keep you on your toes in all situations.

4. Blue Eyes Contact Lenses

It’s not only being able to get the fruit at the top of the tree or being able to beat up a rhino, sometimes we want evolution to make us look better. For $10 you can have interesting eyes for a month. Choose a color (-but make it blue as then you’ll look like a Jedi).

5. North 7700 Respirator

Let’s face it, things aren’t looking great for mother earth. She’s lying in bed, clutching onto Forrest’s hand and telling him he’s the same as everyone else. So when that toxic dust descends, do you want to be like everyone else? Hoping you’ll quickly evolve the lungs of a 50’s bartender? Or, do you want to be proactive and kit out your windpipe with some filters for $15?

6. Armored Jacket

You’ve got to get more protection for your vital organs, think how easily people die in films. A ribcage just isn’t made to stand up to knives and bullets, and only time will tell whether this jacket is, but it looks impressive and you can paint your super-logo on the front.

7. BioGlan Bone Strengthener

Who hasn’t/known/heard of someone who has broken a bone at some point? Well say goodbye to those days because this stuff probably has liquid Adamantium in it to fortify your bones from the inside. It’s a healthy drunk purchase, my favorite.

8. Wolverine claw

Ok, you’ve got one of Wolverine’s super powers, but strong bones aren’t enough to get you the claw thing – you’ve got to wait around until government agencies put them in you. Save yourself the hassle and buy ’em for $20.

9. Ninja wall climbing hand spikes

I don’t care how evolved you think you are, you can’t climb walls. Put these spikes on your hands (-should fit under your Wolverine claw) and you can climb up trees, walls, sides of boats, etc. Just don’t forget you’ve got them on if you’re planning a date with Hand Solo.

10. ProEnhance Penis Enlarger Patches

Get a jump on evolution; 1. Put these patches on overnight = bigger penis. Simple. If you’re not convinced, scroll up to the top to the image of fully-kitted-out-dude. Now imagine him charging at you tripping out on 5-Hour Energy, Bone Strengthener and Penis Enlargement patches, now tell me that’s not evolution.

11. ShockDoctor Support with Bioflex Cup

So now you’ve got all these new genes (-shut it right now Science boy) you’re gonna need to protect them to make sure your kid is just as awesome as you are. For $15 this offers all the protection you need and can double up as a cereal bowl in less dangerous times. Make sure to get a large if you’re getting the Penis Patches.

12. Zinc Chainmail Pants

Skin is kind of still waiting at the platform of the Evolution Express, if anything it’s getting worse – I have to moisturize much more than I used to as a child. Help your skin out by wearing these to protect your legs from UV rays, dry air and kitchen knives. They’re zinc (-if you think that’s bad, go do your research) and if you think they look stupid then wear some pants over them or man up.

13. PowerStrider Bionic Legs

These are definitely the winners, for under $300 you can get bionic legs modeled on a Kangaroo’s that allow you to run really fast and jump really high. If you are seriously considering a crime fighting career these are pretty much a super power, let me know how it goes – Ryan.

8 Valentines gifts guaranteed to end your relationship

admin — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:32:52 +0000

It’s almost Valentine’s day and you’re on the internet looking for something – anything – for your boyfriend or girlfriend. Then you realize: you can’t think of anything because, in reality, you don’t really care about this person. Better yet, you want to break up with them! And what better and more memorable a day to do it on than the anniversary of the V-Day landings, February 14th. I mean, if it’s going to happen, it might as well happen in style. That’s where we come in. Here are 8 Valentine’s gifts that will definitely end (or at least begin the end) of your “relationship”.

One ticket to see Maroon 5

Nothing says/sings I want you to experience true pain better than Maroon 5 frontman and war criminal Adam Levine. Give one ticket to see this monstrosity to your insignificant other on Valentine’s day and it’s a guaranteed game over for whatever it was that you two called a relationship. If a Maroon 5 concert is the type of experience you wouldn’t wish on anyone, then why not gift the album and I imagine the result will be much the same.

Bald Guyz headwipes

If you are looking for a Valentine’s gift that says “I literally didn’t give a shit about what I bought you sweetheart” then Bald Guyz headwipes are for you. For the bald man / easily insulted woman in your life, these headwipes struggle to have any reason to exist on a normal day, let alone the most important day of your relationship this year. Good luck.

Weight loss self-help book

‘You’re fat, now lose it’ is the no-nonsense self help book from M. Specogna, which sensitively deals with issues surrounding obesity. The smile on her face when she opens this present will be priceless… in that it doesn’t exist so doesn’t have a price. Imnotthatdrunk.com takes no responsibility for any trauma to the face or cheek that may occur.

18″ Double-ended Dildo

INTD can’t guarantee complete, immediate break-up with this one – it’s more of a seed sower. Once you inception the idea that the double-ender can somehow rear it’s ugly head in your bedroom activities, it’s not going to go away. A true renegade gift. But be warned, serious questions will be asked.

Ladies Epilator – 48 tweezer hair remover

A great Valentine’s gift for the special woman in your life. She’ll completely understand that subtle hint you just gently placed in her lap and love you more for it…. Alternatively, you’ll be single before you can say “girls drink for free” and just to make sure it’s over forever, every time she uses it she’ll think of you and associate your face with the agony she’ll be in.

Expanzite – Male size and performance enhancing pills

There are few things in the world that if given as a gift to a man would cause an emotional breakdown. These pills are one of those things. Ladies, if you want to reduce that special guy in your life to a nervous heap of lip-quivering insecurity, then a gift that tells him that not only is his penis too small, he is also not very good with it, will probably do the trick. Now get out on the town like Sarah Jessica McBeal.

Bathroom scales

A classic break-up inducer, these bathroom scales help your partner keep a track of their body mass as they tone-up in order to find a new, more tactful, lover. Also, at $10 they’re cheap, giving you the Valentines day double whammy – “You’re fat, I’m cheap – let’s break up”.

A venereal disease

Not something you can buy. Well, not on amazon at least. Yet probably the most successful when it comes to something you can give on Valentine’s day that puts a spanner in the works. This has the INTD 100% break-up guarantee.
DISCLAIMER: Provided your valentine isn’t some sort of Hannibal-Lecter-come-Paris-Hilton type and hasn’t gone full pokemon on STDs and wants to collect the set.

America’s best drunk college foods

admin — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 11:28:09 +0000

If you think nothing compares to the taste of a greasy burger after a night out drinking, check out the drunken snacks of choice at 68 colleges across the country. Featuring chicken rectum, mac & cheese pizza and something called the ‘Tijuana Train Wreck’!

Prepare for the apocalypse

admin — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 13:55:27 +0000

Sooner or later the apocalypse’s sure to arrive. We think sooner. Ok, so it didn’t really show up on May 21st 2011, but there are big hopes for 2012. Unless you’ve invested in an iron man suit, a spaceship or built yourself a nuclear bunker, you’re gonna feel like a bell-end. The following items will ensure you survive. I’d suggest getting extras, which you can give to that hot marketing intern at work. You’ll need him/her to help repopulate the world.

Survival guide

Was it Denzel Washington or Chris Rock who famously said ‘I’d rather open a book than my wife’s legs’? This survival guide teaches you all the skills you’ll need when the world ‘as we know it’ crumbles – from getting fuel, food, and clean water to first aid, communications and self-defense. All for under $10.

Flashlight

When the end of the world arrives battery-powered flashlights will become as redundant as the Greek economy. This flashlight doesn’t require batteries and gives 50 000 hours of bulb life. That’ll come in handy if you’re stuck in a bunker for 6 years or planning on becoming a master in shadow puppetry.

Water purification

Unless you’re Jack Bauer you’ll need water to keep yourself alive. These crystals kill nasty water-borne bacteria (unfortunately not Johnny Depp) and have an unlimited shelf life. In case the apocalypse doesn’t happen for a few thousand years.

Tomato plant

You know that plant in Waterworld? The one that the mariner is looking after? That’s a tomato plant. Start growing one now because I can guarantee it’ll be worth its weight in gold when the apocalypse happens. Tomato also helps prevent prostate cancer, which would prove a hindrance in the post-apocalyptic world.

Surgical kit

A little more than $30 will get you this surgical kit, which includes scissors, sutures, scalpels and (for the more experimental of us) a ‘probe’. Essential for recovery from bullet wounds, zombie bites and – when times are hard – useful for self-harm.

Emergency food rations

Emergency food rations – the best value food on the planet? Four 2400 calorie bars for under $12. That’s cheaper than McDonalds! Probably taste like shit but surely preferable to eating the remains of your family, right? And if you have any spare they make great bricks.

Flares

Scare off wild animals/foreigners/starving children and signal to rescue vehicles using these flares. Or just get on your knees and re-enact the end of ‘The Rock’.

Two-way radio

Two-way radios, with a 35-mile range, will help you stay in touch with fellow survivors. For $50 you get to coordinate raids on CVS and say ‘over’ over and over. Until the apocalypse just give one to your mother/girlfriend/boyfriend, settle down in front of the TV and order in the beers/chocolate.

Jerry can

Don’t forget the jerry petrol can. Barter your petrol for food, sexual favors or keep it safe for fuelling the car in your escape from all the people who want your help.

Holy Bible

If you’ve seen ‘The Book of Eli’ you’ll know how important a bible will be when Armageddon comes our way. Obviously God doesn’t exist, so you’re probably just as well off buying a blank notepad. But this paperback is only $3 and it might be worth getting some Christians on your side (for the banter).

Backpack

You’ll need something to put all your gear in. This pack has more pockets than a pair of trousers and plenty of straps on which to attach knives/tents/more knives. Although I’m just guessing because it’s so camouflaged I can’t see it.

Top 5 Underrated Disney Movies

admin — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 02:47:16 +0000

It's not a photo-bomb if everyone does it

If you were born in 80s and your parents weren’t exceptionally elitist, you probably grew up watching enough Disney movies to permanently loosen your grasp on reality. Only us kids had the time and mental strength to traipse through every Disney movie that was around, often more than once, and so it’s fair to say that we knew them all. This is a list of the top five Disney movies that you probably watched, but they didn’t go on to make it into the vault with Walt.

5. The Fox and the Hound

This is it, the reason why all over the world families have woken up to find Fido chowing down on Felix, “But they were supposed to get along!”, and the heart of the fox hunting ban in England. The Fox and the Hound, the classic Bromance between two adorable animals. Who can forget the bathing scene?

4. The Brave Little Toaster

Overlooked and forgotten, much like the cute, talking kitchen appliance at the start of this film. ‘The Brave Little Toaster’ follows the little muffin-maker on a journey around the city looking for his master which finishes in a junkyard. It’s like Toy Story 3 but with more mundane characters and less crying. Still a classic in my book though.

3. Robin Hood

This is a Disney movie that begs the question, why are animals playing the parts of humans? Still, Fox-Robin plays a more convincing British guy than Kevin Costner and Fox-Marion is way sexier. By the far the best character, however, is the Tiger-Prince-John who’s crown is too big for him, loves his money and he regularly makes it rain.

2. The Emperor’s New Groove

More recent than the rest, if you haven’t seen it because you think you’ve grown out of Disney movies, think again, this film is amazing – if only for Kronk, a funnier and douchebaggier version of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. John Goodman does the voice of the peasant and the story is about an Emperor getting turned into a Llama. Come on.

1. The Rescuers Down Under

All the other Disney films are great, but The Rescuers Down Under surely wins. The sequel to the classic Disney film, about posh mice who help kids, throws said mice and a nervous albatross voiced by John Candy (RIP) into Australia – the land of barbecues and crude women. Fortunately, they avoid these attractions and instead help out a young boy trying to stop an overly narcissistic poacher and his pet lizard from killing a golden eagle. Outrageous Fun.

I’ve got love for you if you were born in the eighties

admin — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 01:13:20 +0000

There’s a good chance that if you’re browsing this website you were born in the 1980s. A lot happened in that decade. John Lennon was shot, the Berlin wall came down, Sega’s ‘Master System’ was released (as were the first two Terminator Films), and Elisha Cuthbert was gifted to the world. We think it’s the best decade in which to have been born. If you were, here are a few things that should bring back memories. Do it for old times’ sake…

Teenage mutant ninja turtles

Time for you and your friends to order in a load of pizzas, make yourself comfortable on the couch and enjoy some episodes of the TMNT. Adopted by the wise sensei Splinter, these radical dudes were taking down douches like Beebop, Rocksteady, Shredder and Krang before you’d even thought about April O’Neil in that way.

Reebok pumps

Remember these? Yeh, you could pump up your shoes with a little button on the front. Only the cool kids had them back in the 1980s, but now that mummy doesn’t buy your clothes anymore you can do whatever the hell you like. Get a pair.

Scared shitless

Who doesn’t remember ‘Goosebumps’, the scariest collection of horror stories since the Old Testament? This one’s a classic – you’ll never be able to take a photo again (ok, just humor me here).

Sodastream

Remember when your parents first bought a sodastream? Remember what crazy sodas you made with it? Problem was, they were (almost) always non-alcoholic. For under $100 you can get creative and experiment with things like lemon-ginger-raspberry cola or grapefruit-blackberry sparkling water. Then just shove a load of vodka in there and you’ll be set for the pre-game.

The land before time

Just before the 1980s there were dinosaurs walking the earth (ask your parents). ‘The land before time’ remains our most accurate depiction of these majestic beasts (yes, even more accurate than Jurassic Park). It’s also the most heart-wrenching movie you’ll ever see. Don’t be ashamed about crying into your popcorn.

Time you got me?

Tamagotchis were what everyone had before they were allowed real pets. And who wants real pets anyway? You have to buy them real food and clean up real shit. And you can’t just press the reset button when they die. Learn how to care for something other than yourself with an old school tamagotchi.

Like a virgin

Although Madonna may now be older, richer and more muscly than she was twenty five years ago, she doesn’t write better songs. The 1980s was her peak, with releases like ‘Material Girl’, ‘Dress You Up in My Love’, and ‘Into the Groove’. You’ll find them all on this album. Oh, and if you’re still a virgin, get some help from these pheromones.