Living – I'm Not That Drunk

Lazy-as-Fuck Reading Glasses

admin — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 09:25:45 +0000

As we all know, it’s incredibly difficult to sit up in bed while reading. With these magic prism glasses, you can enjoy 50 Shades of Gray while focusing on more important things, like wondering how your life came to this dazzling low point, or stimulating your prostate whilst picturing yourself safe in the strong arms of Christian Gray.

Xtreme Pong Sports: BasketPong

admin — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 15:01:29 +0000

Beer Pong just got athletic, so you can stay ripped while you pwn some fucking n00bs, teabagging everyone’s cups like it’s going out of style. Hope you aren’t afraid of heights because these cups just got VERTICAL. The last time balls got forced into this many holes, Kobe Bryant ended up in court! And was cleared of all charges because he totally didn’t do it (thanks lawyers).

Prepare for your day like Patrick Bateman

admin — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 22:43:03 +0000

As a teenager you no doubt slept until midday, rolled out of bed, played computer games and ate bowls of cereal. You probably didn’t shower until the evening and I’m guessing your job (if you had one) was rubbish. If you’re a student this’ll sound near identical to your life right now (except you’ll almost certainly not have a job). Ever thought you might need a kick up the backside to get yourself in gear each morning? Well let me tell you, if you’re ever going to make anything of yourself you’d better start taking the mornings seriously. Barack Obama starts his day with a 6.45am workout; Charles Darwin would go for a walk at precisely 7am; Immanuel Kant would drink 2 cups of weak tea and meditate. However the most effective morning ritual has got to be Patrick Bateman’s in the movie ‘American Psycho’. From a thousand stomach crunches to an Armani tie, Bateman took pride in his appearance and kept to a tight schedule from which you could learn a lot. You can see him in action here, and we’ve put together a step-by-step product guide…

1. Soundtrack for the abs

First thing’s first – whack on some Huey Lewis & the News or Phil Collins. You’ll need something for the morning workout and the 1980s has it. Bateman recommends ‘Hip to be square’.

2. Facial cooling pack

Unless you’re under 10 years old your eyes will be puffy just after waking up. No-one wants to leave the house looking like a newborn puppy so it’s essential that you get an ice pack on them as asap as possible. Teabags and slices of cucumber are for girls. Wear it while you work out.

3. Briefs that hug you

For the workout you’ll obviously need to admire your muscles at the same time as getting maximum flexibility. So you shouldn’t wear anything more than a pair of cotton boxers. Err on the side of tight fitting.

4. First drink of the morning

After working out, hydrate. Don’t bother with tap water – it’s full of estrogen and, more importantly, it’s free. Bateman likes San Pellegrino, which is stuffed full of minerals. Have a 24 pack in the cupboard because you don’t want to get caught dry.

5. The Bateman shower

Now it’s time for a shower. You won’t be sweating because you’re in such good shape, but it’s imperative you still look after your skin. It houses a magnificent machine. Plus, it’s important to take the time to marvel at your naked self. Follow this procedure closely:

a. Deep pore cleansing lotion

Apply a deep pore cleanser. This one, from Jock Soap, fights oil and bacteria, calms inflammation and costs just $20.

b. Water activated gel cleanser

Next for the water activated gel cleanser. When activated by water this cleanser transforms into a sleek, silky wash that frees skin from all impurities. If you think it’s expensive at over $30 I should tell you it’s made with Manuka honey, which you can’t even buy for less than $15.

c. Honey-almond body scrub

This is your opportunity to linger a bit longer massaging those abs and bulging biceps. Be liberal – it’s made with real almond and honey and costs less than $7. Bateman swears by it.

d. Facial exfoliating gel scrub

Now it’s time to use a facial exfoliating gel scrub like this one with green leaf extract, vitamin E and grape extract, for around $5. When you exfoliate you remove old, dry skin and as far as I’m aware dead skin cells never made a successful trade on the stock exchange. You’ll look younger and more radiant (in a good way, not like Jacob from Twilight).

e. Facial masque

When you’ve finished in the shower, apply the facial masque. Ok, so Patrick Bateman uses a mint masque, but this superfruits facial masque contains EIGHT super fruits, so it’s really bloody amazing. After 10 minutes peel it off like snakeskin, you absolute python.

f. Aftershave lotion

Facial hair is sloppy. Unless you’re working in a comic store, a hippy café or you’re homeless, shave. Afterwards use a good quality aftershave lotion like this classic from England. Oh, and don’t bother using it to strengthen your coffee – Bateman only uses the alcohol-free stuff.

g. Moisturizer

There is no ‘most important’ stage to Bateman’s morning routine. Having said that, moisturizing is probably the most important thing you’ll do all day. The only thing worse than dry skin is obesity, so fork out $17 for this nourishing cream which contains minerals all the way from the Dead Sea.

h. Anti-aging eye cream

You’re not going to look young forever and while there’s not much you can do about a receding hairline or deteriorating memory, at least ensure your eyes stay youthful. Who’s going to invest in your business if you look like one of those people in the third world that National Geographic always photograph (you know, the ones with loads of wrinkles because they’ve spent too much time outside)?

i. Moisturizing protective lotion

Last of all, slap on some moisturizing protective lotion. What’s the point in looking like an Adonis if the sun and wind are just going to mess it all up? Plus, you’ll need to protect yourself from all that money people are going to be throwing in your face. It’s like a condom for your beauty. And it costs less than $8.

6. And the rest…

Once finished applying the protective lotion Patrick Bateman’s ready to throw on a fresh pair of boxers (remember, nice and tight), shirt, tie, pinstripe suit, and Rolex. Here’s what else you’ll need for the day:

Undershirt

White cotton and hugs your contours like a race car.

Red suspenders

Because your pants will be so heavy with money.

Axe

Even though he lives in an apartment in New York City Patrick Bateman has an axe. So should you.

Clear raincoat

Protects expensive clothing well against the mess you might make chopping people up using the aforementioned axe.

Retro flip clock

admin — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 15:18:51 +0000

Of course this is a great idea… stop thinking.
You like flip clocks, right?
You like looking cool and impressing people?
Your inhibitions are low?
Treat yourself to some style for once, Hank Chinaski

Moon cup

admin — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 14:23:23 +0000

I slept through most of my biology classes at school but I do remember hearing that once a month the moon bleeds from various canyons it’s deposited across the female population. Using fallen pieces of the moon scientists have fashioned ‘moon cups’ – a novel way to collect this moon juice. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with the moon juice once it’s collected, but I guess it must be good for you in some way…

$100 bill toilet roll

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 16:31:42 +0000

Treat yourself this drunken stupor by putting a few rolls of these in your cart. I don’t care how many drugs your mom took in the 70s, you are a capitalist and nothing will make you feel better than walking out of the toilet having just wiped your ass clean with $2000 (dependent on your leaf preference, I personally am a three sheet, three wipe man). INTD can’t vouch for the realism of these defecation dollars but there’s a chance that that dumb redhead at CVS will let you buy a shit-ton of moisturizer if you try enough times.

Steering Wheel Desk

admin — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:01:10 +0000

Driving to work is boring. Apparently. I’ve never held a job long enough to drive to the office. However, my liquor store commute is now a thing of beauty. Goodbye shitty top 50 radio stations, hello laptop gaming. Driving down the interstate? Nope, you’re in Skyrim. On a horse.

As everyone knows, drinking seriously improves your driving. You go faster, you’re better at using the horn and shouting, and you feel more like a famous racing driver, like Ayrton Senna or Dale Earnhardt Jr. The trouble is that while cup holders work fine, there’s no place to mix a classic cocktail, like an Old Fashioned (Don Draper would approve) or a Mimosa (You are literally homosexual). Well don’t worry, now that your steering wheel is now a desk, you’ve got the perfect place to cut limes. Or coke. Happy trails.

Self diagnosis for hypochondriacs

admin — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 12:37:34 +0000

Hypochondria is a virus that affects an as yet indeterminate number of people. It’s not nice and, like aids, it makes you particularly vulnerable to every single disease in the universe – regardless of whether that disease actually exists. I’ve probably got it, you’ve probably got it. So get this manual and read about everything you’re gonna die from

Bear Paw meat handlers

admin — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 13:18:27 +0000

These meat claws make barbecuing like a girl a thing of the past. Use them to flip your meat, use them to skewer your meat, eat off of them and you my friend are a goddamn beast. A great gift for that special man in your life.

Human water walking ball

admin — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:42:42 +0000

A waterproof water ball for walking on water. It’s 2 meters high and you can walk on water. You can walk on water… imagine the possibilities – you only get an hour of air in there though so imagine quick possibilities.