As we all know, it’s incredibly difficult to sit up in bed while reading. With these magic prism glasses, you can enjoy 50 Shades of Gray while focusing on more important things, like wondering how your life came to this dazzling low point, or stimulating your prostate whilst picturing yourself safe in the strong arms of Christian Gray.

Beer Pong just got athletic, so you can stay ripped while you pwn some fucking n00bs, teabagging everyone’s cups like it’s going out of style. Hope you aren’t afraid of heights because these cups just got VERTICAL. The last time balls got forced into this many holes, Kobe Bryant ended up in court! And was cleared of all charges because he totally didn’t do it (thanks lawyers).

Unbeknownst to the other X-men, Wolverine had serious body confidence issues

So evolution is probably slowing down, what with all the health care and all the easy girls flying around. Being alpha male just doesn’t put you at the front of the pack anymore; you need to take matters into your own hands. You need to e-volve (sorry) and get the kit that naturally selects you. This feature is all about the things you can get for cheap(ish, but it’s all magical internet money anyway) that give you the super mutant powers that evolution should have given you by now. Whether you are planning to fight crime, impress girls or just upgrade your body – you can’t spell evolution without “drunk purchasing”.

Check out the gear below, in order from goggles to bionic legs.

1. Eyeclops Night Vision Goggles

Alright, first step, can you see in the dark? Nope? Option 1. Eat enough carrots to deprive a whole warren and then wait for evolution to kick in (don’t even think about commenting on how unscientific that is – I have a degree). Or, Option 2. Buy these Night Vision Goggles for under $100 and gain a super power – QED.

2. Sonic Super Ear

Now you’ve suped-up your favorite sense, time to get working on the other one. Plug some headphones into this baby and you’ll be able to hear things from 100 yards away – spidey sense for around $30, it’s too easy.

3. 5-Hour Energy (12 Pack)

I know enough about science to know that humans get tired. What was evolution thinking?? You are predator fodder for at least 25% of your life, this is definitely not cool in today’s modern world. Get a pack of 5-hour energy to keep you on your toes in all situations.

4. Blue Eyes Contact Lenses

It’s not only being able to get the fruit at the top of the tree or being able to beat up a rhino, sometimes we want evolution to make us look better. For $10 you can have interesting eyes for a month. Choose a color (-but make it blue as then you’ll look like a Jedi).

5. North 7700 Respirator

Let’s face it, things aren’t looking great for mother earth. She’s lying in bed, clutching onto Forrest’s hand and telling him he’s the same as everyone else. So when that toxic dust descends, do you want to be like everyone else? Hoping you’ll quickly evolve the lungs of a 50’s bartender? Or, do you want to be proactive and kit out your windpipe with some filters for $15?

6. Armored Jacket

You’ve got to get more protection for your vital organs, think how easily people die in films. A ribcage just isn’t made to stand up to knives and bullets, and only time will tell whether this jacket is, but it looks impressive and you can paint your super-logo on the front.

7. BioGlan Bone Strengthener

Who hasn’t/known/heard of someone who has broken a bone at some point? Well say goodbye to those days because this stuff probably has liquid Adamantium in it to fortify your bones from the inside. It’s a healthy drunk purchase, my favorite.

8. Wolverine claw

Ok, you’ve got one of Wolverine’s super powers, but strong bones aren’t enough to get you the claw thing – you’ve got to wait around until government agencies put them in you. Save yourself the hassle and buy ’em for $20.

9. Ninja wall climbing hand spikes

I don’t care how evolved you think you are, you can’t climb walls. Put these spikes on your hands (-should fit under your Wolverine claw) and you can climb up trees, walls, sides of boats, etc. Just don’t forget you’ve got them on if you’re planning a date with Hand Solo.

10. ProEnhance Penis Enlarger Patches

Get a jump on evolution; 1. Put these patches on overnight = bigger penis. Simple. If you’re not convinced, scroll up to the top to the image of fully-kitted-out-dude. Now imagine him charging at you tripping out on 5-Hour Energy, Bone Strengthener and Penis Enlargement patches, now tell me that’s not evolution.

11. ShockDoctor Support with Bioflex Cup

So now you’ve got all these new genes (-shut it right now Science boy) you’re gonna need to protect them to make sure your kid is just as awesome as you are. For $15 this offers all the protection you need and can double up as a cereal bowl in less dangerous times. Make sure to get a large if you’re getting the Penis Patches.

12. Zinc Chainmail Pants

Skin is kind of still waiting at the platform of the Evolution Express, if anything it’s getting worse – I have to moisturize much more than I used to as a child. Help your skin out by wearing these to protect your legs from UV rays, dry air and kitchen knives. They’re zinc (-if you think that’s bad, go do your research) and if you think they look stupid then wear some pants over them or man up.

13. PowerStrider Bionic Legs

These are definitely the winners, for under $300 you can get bionic legs modeled on a Kangaroo’s that allow you to run really fast and jump really high. If you are seriously considering a crime fighting career these are pretty much a super power, let me know how it goes – Ryan.

The park, the church, a baseball game, and even your daughter’s dance recital — What they all have in common is that they simply cannot be enjoyed without alcohol. However, it can be tough to get away with drinking as much as you’d like.

These can wraps give you the stealthiness you’ve been waiting for, as when you cover your beer in one of these, you immediately appear to be drinking a delicious and nutritious drink such as root beer or orange sugar water.

Driving to work is boring. Apparently. I’ve never held a job long enough to drive to the office. However, my liquor store commute is now a thing of beauty. Goodbye shitty top 50 radio stations, hello laptop gaming. Driving down the interstate? Nope, you’re in Skyrim. On a horse.

As everyone knows, drinking seriously improves your driving. You go faster, you’re better at using the horn and shouting, and you feel more like a famous racing driver, like Ayrton Senna or Dale Earnhardt Jr. The trouble is that while cup holders work fine, there’s no place to mix a classic cocktail, like an Old Fashioned (Don Draper would approve) or a Mimosa (You are literally homosexual). Well don’t worry, now that your steering wheel is now a desk, you’ve got the perfect place to cut limes. Or coke. Happy trails.