Style – I'm Not That Drunk

How to dress like Jeremy Corbyn

admin — Sat, 12 Sep 2015 17:20:35 +0000

If you want to run the labour party, you’ll need to perfect the art of dressing like your Grandad dressed himself while drunk, then sent you a 1.1 megapixel picture he took on a Nokia 3220, and then you tried to copy his outfit but you don’t have a mirror and all of your clothes are grey.
That’s the only way to audibly say, “Fuck you Tony Blair” these days and by God is Corbyn saying it loud.

Corbyn’s outfits for every occasion say, “Hey, look at me” but also, “Hey, what the fuck are you looking at posho!” Whether there’s a strike down the old mine, a policy discussion at parliament, or you’re just meeting an old Trotskyite down the Pizza Hut buffet, Corbyn has a look for you.

Iconic Corbyn

Corbyn doesn’t always just do what every one else wants

a. Cord Mariners Cap

The use of corduroy to cover up your legs is a thing of the past. We’ve mastered the technology to wrestle corduroy in to a hat shape, with a peak that says, “You bloody try it pal! Steal my hat and I’ll punch you where the sun don’t shine!”

b. Faded shirt

A shirt that says experience. A shirt that says, “Of course I remember where I was when man landed on the moon. I was buying this shirt.”

c. Secret t-shirt

Corbyn style visual trickery at it’s finest. Wearing a t-shirt that was the colour your shirt used to be, to trick the human eye into bringing the whole look up to date. You nearly fooled us there Corbyn! Well played you old dog.

d. Dad fleece

This fleece will cover you for all occasions. Prime ministers questions. Cold walks through the park. A basket for your dog to sleep in. Snuggles.

Lazy-as-Fuck Reading Glasses

admin — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 09:25:45 +0000

As we all know, it’s incredibly difficult to sit up in bed while reading. With these magic prism glasses, you can enjoy 50 Shades of Gray while focusing on more important things, like wondering how your life came to this dazzling low point, or stimulating your prostate whilst picturing yourself safe in the strong arms of Christian Gray.

Prepare for your day like Patrick Bateman

admin — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 22:43:03 +0000

As a teenager you no doubt slept until midday, rolled out of bed, played computer games and ate bowls of cereal. You probably didn’t shower until the evening and I’m guessing your job (if you had one) was rubbish. If you’re a student this’ll sound near identical to your life right now (except you’ll almost certainly not have a job). Ever thought you might need a kick up the backside to get yourself in gear each morning? Well let me tell you, if you’re ever going to make anything of yourself you’d better start taking the mornings seriously. Barack Obama starts his day with a 6.45am workout; Charles Darwin would go for a walk at precisely 7am; Immanuel Kant would drink 2 cups of weak tea and meditate. However the most effective morning ritual has got to be Patrick Bateman’s in the movie ‘American Psycho’. From a thousand stomach crunches to an Armani tie, Bateman took pride in his appearance and kept to a tight schedule from which you could learn a lot. You can see him in action here, and we’ve put together a step-by-step product guide…

1. Soundtrack for the abs

First thing’s first – whack on some Huey Lewis & the News or Phil Collins. You’ll need something for the morning workout and the 1980s has it. Bateman recommends ‘Hip to be square’.

2. Facial cooling pack

Unless you’re under 10 years old your eyes will be puffy just after waking up. No-one wants to leave the house looking like a newborn puppy so it’s essential that you get an ice pack on them as asap as possible. Teabags and slices of cucumber are for girls. Wear it while you work out.

3. Briefs that hug you

For the workout you’ll obviously need to admire your muscles at the same time as getting maximum flexibility. So you shouldn’t wear anything more than a pair of cotton boxers. Err on the side of tight fitting.

4. First drink of the morning

After working out, hydrate. Don’t bother with tap water – it’s full of estrogen and, more importantly, it’s free. Bateman likes San Pellegrino, which is stuffed full of minerals. Have a 24 pack in the cupboard because you don’t want to get caught dry.

5. The Bateman shower

Now it’s time for a shower. You won’t be sweating because you’re in such good shape, but it’s imperative you still look after your skin. It houses a magnificent machine. Plus, it’s important to take the time to marvel at your naked self. Follow this procedure closely:

a. Deep pore cleansing lotion

Apply a deep pore cleanser. This one, from Jock Soap, fights oil and bacteria, calms inflammation and costs just $20.

b. Water activated gel cleanser

Next for the water activated gel cleanser. When activated by water this cleanser transforms into a sleek, silky wash that frees skin from all impurities. If you think it’s expensive at over $30 I should tell you it’s made with Manuka honey, which you can’t even buy for less than $15.

c. Honey-almond body scrub

This is your opportunity to linger a bit longer massaging those abs and bulging biceps. Be liberal – it’s made with real almond and honey and costs less than $7. Bateman swears by it.

d. Facial exfoliating gel scrub

Now it’s time to use a facial exfoliating gel scrub like this one with green leaf extract, vitamin E and grape extract, for around $5. When you exfoliate you remove old, dry skin and as far as I’m aware dead skin cells never made a successful trade on the stock exchange. You’ll look younger and more radiant (in a good way, not like Jacob from Twilight).

e. Facial masque

When you’ve finished in the shower, apply the facial masque. Ok, so Patrick Bateman uses a mint masque, but this superfruits facial masque contains EIGHT super fruits, so it’s really bloody amazing. After 10 minutes peel it off like snakeskin, you absolute python.

f. Aftershave lotion

Facial hair is sloppy. Unless you’re working in a comic store, a hippy café or you’re homeless, shave. Afterwards use a good quality aftershave lotion like this classic from England. Oh, and don’t bother using it to strengthen your coffee – Bateman only uses the alcohol-free stuff.

g. Moisturizer

There is no ‘most important’ stage to Bateman’s morning routine. Having said that, moisturizing is probably the most important thing you’ll do all day. The only thing worse than dry skin is obesity, so fork out $17 for this nourishing cream which contains minerals all the way from the Dead Sea.

h. Anti-aging eye cream

You’re not going to look young forever and while there’s not much you can do about a receding hairline or deteriorating memory, at least ensure your eyes stay youthful. Who’s going to invest in your business if you look like one of those people in the third world that National Geographic always photograph (you know, the ones with loads of wrinkles because they’ve spent too much time outside)?

i. Moisturizing protective lotion

Last of all, slap on some moisturizing protective lotion. What’s the point in looking like an Adonis if the sun and wind are just going to mess it all up? Plus, you’ll need to protect yourself from all that money people are going to be throwing in your face. It’s like a condom for your beauty. And it costs less than $8.

6. And the rest…

Once finished applying the protective lotion Patrick Bateman’s ready to throw on a fresh pair of boxers (remember, nice and tight), shirt, tie, pinstripe suit, and Rolex. Here’s what else you’ll need for the day:

Undershirt

White cotton and hugs your contours like a race car.

Red suspenders

Because your pants will be so heavy with money.

Axe

Even though he lives in an apartment in New York City Patrick Bateman has an axe. So should you.

Clear raincoat

Protects expensive clothing well against the mess you might make chopping people up using the aforementioned axe.

13 ways to evolve before everyone else

admin — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 22:48:07 +0000

Unbeknownst to the other X-men, Wolverine had serious body confidence issues

So evolution is probably slowing down, what with all the health care and all the easy girls flying around. Being alpha male just doesn’t put you at the front of the pack anymore; you need to take matters into your own hands. You need to e-volve (sorry) and get the kit that naturally selects you. This feature is all about the things you can get for cheap(ish, but it’s all magical internet money anyway) that give you the super mutant powers that evolution should have given you by now. Whether you are planning to fight crime, impress girls or just upgrade your body – you can’t spell evolution without “drunk purchasing”.

Check out the gear below, in order from goggles to bionic legs.

1. Eyeclops Night Vision Goggles

Alright, first step, can you see in the dark? Nope? Option 1. Eat enough carrots to deprive a whole warren and then wait for evolution to kick in (don’t even think about commenting on how unscientific that is – I have a degree). Or, Option 2. Buy these Night Vision Goggles for under $100 and gain a super power – QED.

2. Sonic Super Ear

Now you’ve suped-up your favorite sense, time to get working on the other one. Plug some headphones into this baby and you’ll be able to hear things from 100 yards away – spidey sense for around $30, it’s too easy.

3. 5-Hour Energy (12 Pack)

I know enough about science to know that humans get tired. What was evolution thinking?? You are predator fodder for at least 25% of your life, this is definitely not cool in today’s modern world. Get a pack of 5-hour energy to keep you on your toes in all situations.

4. Blue Eyes Contact Lenses

It’s not only being able to get the fruit at the top of the tree or being able to beat up a rhino, sometimes we want evolution to make us look better. For $10 you can have interesting eyes for a month. Choose a color (-but make it blue as then you’ll look like a Jedi).

5. North 7700 Respirator

Let’s face it, things aren’t looking great for mother earth. She’s lying in bed, clutching onto Forrest’s hand and telling him he’s the same as everyone else. So when that toxic dust descends, do you want to be like everyone else? Hoping you’ll quickly evolve the lungs of a 50’s bartender? Or, do you want to be proactive and kit out your windpipe with some filters for $15?

6. Armored Jacket

You’ve got to get more protection for your vital organs, think how easily people die in films. A ribcage just isn’t made to stand up to knives and bullets, and only time will tell whether this jacket is, but it looks impressive and you can paint your super-logo on the front.

7. BioGlan Bone Strengthener

Who hasn’t/known/heard of someone who has broken a bone at some point? Well say goodbye to those days because this stuff probably has liquid Adamantium in it to fortify your bones from the inside. It’s a healthy drunk purchase, my favorite.

8. Wolverine claw

Ok, you’ve got one of Wolverine’s super powers, but strong bones aren’t enough to get you the claw thing – you’ve got to wait around until government agencies put them in you. Save yourself the hassle and buy ’em for $20.

9. Ninja wall climbing hand spikes

I don’t care how evolved you think you are, you can’t climb walls. Put these spikes on your hands (-should fit under your Wolverine claw) and you can climb up trees, walls, sides of boats, etc. Just don’t forget you’ve got them on if you’re planning a date with Hand Solo.

10. ProEnhance Penis Enlarger Patches

Get a jump on evolution; 1. Put these patches on overnight = bigger penis. Simple. If you’re not convinced, scroll up to the top to the image of fully-kitted-out-dude. Now imagine him charging at you tripping out on 5-Hour Energy, Bone Strengthener and Penis Enlargement patches, now tell me that’s not evolution.

11. ShockDoctor Support with Bioflex Cup

So now you’ve got all these new genes (-shut it right now Science boy) you’re gonna need to protect them to make sure your kid is just as awesome as you are. For $15 this offers all the protection you need and can double up as a cereal bowl in less dangerous times. Make sure to get a large if you’re getting the Penis Patches.

12. Zinc Chainmail Pants

Skin is kind of still waiting at the platform of the Evolution Express, if anything it’s getting worse – I have to moisturize much more than I used to as a child. Help your skin out by wearing these to protect your legs from UV rays, dry air and kitchen knives. They’re zinc (-if you think that’s bad, go do your research) and if you think they look stupid then wear some pants over them or man up.

13. PowerStrider Bionic Legs

These are definitely the winners, for under $300 you can get bionic legs modeled on a Kangaroo’s that allow you to run really fast and jump really high. If you are seriously considering a crime fighting career these are pretty much a super power, let me know how it goes – Ryan.

Incredible Dog Shirt

admin — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 16:32:29 +0000

WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

Combat Stryker Adult T-shirt

admin — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 10:21:54 +0000

If tomorrow all the things were gone,
I’d worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,
with just my children and my wife.
I’d thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away.
And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

Munitio 9mm Earphones w/ mic control

admin — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 11:58:38 +0000

On a scale of 1-Vin Diesel, are you bad ass enough to wear these? If you answered 1 then yes you are. Put these in your earginas and pump some sticky hot tunes all over your ear drum’s face… I apologise for that, that was unnecessary, but you’re drunk so fuck it.

Retro flip clock

admin — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 15:18:51 +0000

Of course this is a great idea… stop thinking.
You like flip clocks, right?
You like looking cool and impressing people?
Your inhibitions are low?
Treat yourself to some style for once, Hank Chinaski

Car underbody neons

admin — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 13:47:08 +0000

We’ve all watched ‘Pimp My Ride’ and wished that we owned a car to be proud of. A car more likely to get us laid than Bumblebee. Back in the real world most of us are stuck with shit piles we inherited when our grandmothers died. Fortunately Paul Walker invented neons for his pioneering film ‘Fast and the Furious’. Fix ’em under your chassis and change the color to suit your mood (beware – strobe light mode may betray intoxication…)

Accoutrements Undercap

admin — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 11:07:22 +0000

From the people who brought you handerpants comes the Undercap, for when you want to wear your underpants on your head – in style (or just to make your beanie warmer).
It’s debatable whether this will make you look attractive to the opposite sex, but I personally know-oh-too-well that a follow-through definitely does not. With the “Undercap”, you are always prepared for that-time-where-you-shit-yourself-on-the-metro-but-decide-to-stay-on-for-the-whole-loop-so-you-can-get-off-at-your-house-again-but-the-smell-starts-to-get-too-much-so-the-conductor-asks-you-to-leave-but-you-won’t-and-they-cancel-the-train-and-arrest-you.