KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_477
As a result of my recent experiences dealing with the general public (especially today) and even people in my house, I have decided that other people are obsessed with scrutinizing my privacy deprived and respect deprived face so often that I have decided to do something I tentatively fantasized about doing several times over the past few years: ordering some Guy Fawkes masks to wear almost all the time I expect to be interfacing with other humans (which seems to be more than 80% of a typical 24 hour day/night cycle). Then people can gawk at that mask and be disappointed to see that my face is not their putty to mold on demand. My face is apparently too much of a distraction and impediment to me thriving at my hobby related goals. Of course, I probably will have to settle for a job which requires me to expose my face (but thanks to the convenience of COVID-19 seemingly never ending, I can get away with wearing a mask which covers my mouth and nose pretty much all the time (except for when I’m eating, bathing, or having to expose my face to a security guard or camera when entering some kind of club)).
I don’t have a problem with my face. In fact, I think my face is quite attractive looking and I enjoy talking to myself and having facial expressions. It’s other people who seem to feel insecure as a result of me showing off my face. Other people seem to be a lot more reserved than I am about showing off their emotions and thoughts through exposing their face (whether to people they know are watching them or to people who are spying on them).
I don’t want to wear a sweaty, stifling mask which looks and functions as a muzzle, but I think doing so until my Guy Fawkes masks arrive and when clocked into my manual labor job will help prevent me from feeling oppressed and consequently depressed as a result of other people being obsessed with how my face looks. Apparently I try too hard to control my facial expressions. I so because I think people are deliberately trying to make me look upset when I would otherwise look calm. Unfortunately, I think I cannot help but look chronically angry (but when I spend sufficient time away from other people’s scrutiny, the tension in my face seems to dissipate and my attention is usually not on how my face looks because it is on more cerebral and transcendental subjects).
Some people might ask why I plan on wearing the distracting Guy Fawkes mask instead of simply wearing a more normal looking and less attention grabbing COVID-19 mask. I am a bit of an exhibitionist and enjoy being somewhat theatrical. I think wearing the Guy Fawkes mask will help me promote my personal brand more such that karbytes gets to be in the spotlight more than Karlina the ballerina would. Right now, it’s all about that monkey ballerina with the overly or underly expressive face. Later, it will be about the faceless person named karbytes who is known more for its writings and ideas than for its face in front of a camera seemingly 24 hours per day and 7 days per week.
It could be that too many people are opposed to me showing off my facial hair (which has been growing in quite nicely in recent months) because people want me to to look like a woman instead of a man. That might be the main reason why people are trying to bully me into hiding my face.
“If you are as asocial as you are, why do you care how your face looks? Why do you need facial hair? Who are you trying to show off your masculinity to? Most if not all the people who know you prefer you to be a woman and not a man. Why not just appease those people and stop being so vain and self absorbed,” asks an imaginary critic.
To answer that critic: I do it to please myself. I like looking at myself in the mirror or in photographs and seeing what I think is a cool and sexy transman. I find my transman look to be more aesthetically pleasing to me than I found my reluctantly cisgendered female look to be. Of course people condemn me for wanting to be attractive to myself as criminally narcissistic. So be it. There are worse crimes. I suspect people are mad at me merely for having more self esteem than they think I should have or what they have for themselves. It’s probably a matter of other people’s jealousy. I’m not going to diminish my own beauty and intelligence and other attractive qualities merely because other people around me seem to lack such qualities in themselves.
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I just realized that gas masks for filtering out toxic fumes is within my budget; though I’m not so sure how effective they are at preventing me from inhaling airborne pollutants. (I thought such a thing would be close to a thousand dollars instead of between $50 and $300). Everyday I am near heavy car traffic (which is almost daily), I complain incessantly about how I’m being forced to inhale toxic fumes which are damaging my health. Perhaps after I get tired of my Guy Fawkes mask stunt, I’ll start wearing a gas mask to really make a statement as an environmentalist; just to provide a visceral and unsettling reminder to the people around me that they are likely helping to perpetuate Big Oil (and the wars and environmental destruction fossil fuels combustion entails) instead of investing in sustainable energy alternatives.
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