/** * file: karbytes_12_august_2023.txt * type: plain-text * date: 12_AUGUST_2023 * author: karbytes * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN */ Today I think that I made a breakthrough in how I handle the meddling interference which I have referred to many times throughout the blogging website named Karbytes For Life Blog dot WordPress dot Com and associated GitHub repositories: while buying some coffee this afternoon from a cafe and sitting for approximately ten minutes in there listening to the energetic and upbeat music and enjoying the cool and clean-smelling air conditioned air and insulation from outdoor noises and other stimuli inside of that building (and scrolling through my Instagram feed), pig_gorl was not at the forefront of my awareness and, what felt like the first time in years, I felt at peace in the world and not under seige from annoying and depression mongering sonic harassment from a perpetually angry and lazy sounding brat trying to pick fights with me with distracting and antagonistic noises. After I walked out of the cafe I felt that my parasympathetic nervous system had the chance to calm down such that I felt normal for a few minutes (but eventually the sense that I was under seige from pig_gorl returned). The breakthrough I am talking about is internally telling pig_gorl to get her own body and that my body is not her body. For some reason, that thought helped "unhook" me from the very uncomfortable feeling that pig_gorl was trying to use my body as her puppet to express her emotions (especially via vocalizations, mouth movements, and breathing). I imagine that pig_gorl is a fertile woman between 20 and 40 years of age with a large ass, wide hips, big breasts, and a very young-looking face and childish-sounding voice who behaves as though she has chronic premenstrual syndrome and is always sulking, pouting, whining, making sarcastic vocalizations, and acting simulataneously lethargic, horny, embittered, fiesty, and not at all in the mood to sit down and quietly study (or even to have an honest discussion with me about what is bothering her because every utterance she makes seems to be a non sequitir and almost always some kind of happiness sabotaging message towards me in particular). My physical build and personality contrasts with hers sharply (and long term exposure to testosterone injections seems to be helping to make that contrast increasingly noticeable). What I decided to do pragmatically that I have not felt ready to do until this afternoon is stop talking to her out loud (and to stop talking unless I am either speaking to another person or else recording myself talking or singing). For the past five years I have gotten into the habit of talking to myself out loud (and at length) as a means to cope with feeling victimized and socially unsupported. Over the past week I have been spending a lot of time contemplating how commonplace it is for a human individual to feel like a sealed vessel who is held in contempt by other people or otherwise victimized by specific other people or by society in general. I have observed and read about other non human animals recently and have come to believe that perpetual conflict over territory, food, and mating opportunities is very commonplace among sentient animals such as birds, primates, and felines (and humans seem to be divided into two major groups: those who study evolutionary biology and anthropology and are genuinely interested in being more civilized and humane than human predecessors and humans who act like marginalized and abused victims of human-perpetuated injustice who can do little more than fight for survival in a harsh and cruel universe). I would say that pig_gorl is defintely of that latter camp while I believe I am a member of the former being attacked by pig_gorl for wanting to be in that camp instead of in hers. So I am no longer using my body as her puppet to cathartically act out pig_gorl's half-baked thoughts and emotions. I have "unhooked" from her such that I no longer feel so much like a host to the parasite she is while she "pulls my strings" and coerces me into moving and speaking on her behalf. I am no longer giving her refuge in my body. After this note, I do not plan on ever again giving her attention via my blogging platform. She will have to find a new host or get her own body. Until then, I imagine she will be hovering around like an unhappy and impatient colicky infant of a newly wed bride demanding to be taken into some human host's body as that human's dependent while she wears a little tiarra and sits on an ornate throne-like reclining couch mooing and touching her swollen hips like a beached pregnant whale in distress. * * * Though the following text is unrelated to the text in the previous section of this note, I have thought about including the following ideas in a note since yesterday: I was born in the year 1990 and, for the first ten years of my life, the only computer access and Internet access I had was from desktop computers which were either at school or else the sole family computer in my parents' room. I had an interest in digital information and, for my birthday or Christmas, I was gifted a box of multicolored magnetic floppy discs which I used to store the image files taken from my first digital camera (and I mostly took pictures of my cats). I was also very interested in the concept of Pokemon when it first came out and imagined that I was capturing my favorite objects from the physical world in digital form much the way humans in the Pokemon universe could store animal-esque creatures of virutally any size inside of pocket-sized pokeballs. Two decades after I was born was when smartphones became commonplace and people could easily establish an Internet hotspot using their smartphones connected to their laptop computers (using either a wireless Wi-Fi connection or else a wired USB connection (and I generally use a wired USB cable to connect my laptop computer to my phone such that I have a private Internet connection for only my laptop and not to other devices (and using my phone to establish a Wi-Fi hotspot instead of using a wired hotspot connection to connect to exactly one device makes it much easier for other devices to interfere with my Internet connection))). I wanted to mention that having a laptop computer, smartphone, and backpack full of survival gear in it has been an essential component of my lifestyl which has enabled me to have a geeky life outside and virtually anywhere I go instead of having to be dependent upon having a stationary computer lab to go to in order to use the Internet as intensively as I have. What has not been super convinient about my "digital nomad" lifestyle is the fact that I pay for a metered Internet connection instead of an unmetered one (which means I pay for every byte I use instead of pay a fixed rate per fixed time period for any amount of data I use during that time period). Without a non-metered Internet connection, it is hard to get data-intensive work done. For now, I do generally stay close to places which have 24 hour Wi-Fi access in order to do relatively brief and infrequent data-intensive operations. After I am done getting the section named RAW_GITHUB_FILES_MACRO_DIRECTORY of the website named Karbytes For Life Blog dot WordPress dot Com up to date (i.e. populated with directory web pages to every relevant GitHub repository which currently exists) (and I expect that update to be complete no later than 01_OCTOBER_2023), I may or may not start hanging out in places with Wi-Fi access by default instead of what I do now (which is mostly hanging out in remote places without Wi-Fi access and while using only my personal metered Internet connection from the AT&T phone service I pay for which is $30/monthly for baseline servicdes and $20 per every additional 3 gigabytes of mobile data I purchase). * * * I decided to add another blurb to this note. A while ago I popped a THC pill and read "random" Wikipedia articles about the psychological phenomenon of dissociation and then I somehow clicked on the Wikipedia article about what mysticism is supposedly centrally about: becoming cognizant of (logically and psychosomatically) or literally equivalent to God or the Absolute (which is presumed to be an entity which encompasses all existence and is infinite in its scope). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysticism From the article: '...Mysticism is popularly known as becoming one with God or the Absolute,[1][2] but may refer to any kind of ecstasy or altered state of consciousness which is given a religious or spiritual meaning.[web 1] It may also refer to the attainment of insight in ultimate or hidden truths, and to human transformation supported by various practices and experiences...' I do not at this time perceive myself to be one with The Absolute (and I think that is because I prefer to be compartmentalized into my own relatively finite and tiny allocation of consciousness known as karbytes). Perhaps someday I will recognize myself literally as being synonymous with The Absolute. I hope that I will continue to always choose to keep karbytes immortally instantiated and able to continue doing scientific research and creating intellectual property (especially throguh the medium of digital artifacts). I liked an image of a painting which I found in that Wikipedia article about Mysticism and uploaded it to this GitHub repository at the following Uniform Resource Locator: https://raw.githubusercontent.com/karlinarayberinger/KARLINA_OBJECT_extension_pack_0/main/josep_benlliure_Gil43.jpeg * * * If I am not already suicidal, I am very close to being suicidal (and closer than I have ever been in my life). The reason why I feel that way is because I am afraid that I will not get enough time off from being severely psychologically tortured by law enforcement (and by the many civilians who seem to think I deserve to be tortured in that manner). Oftentimes whenever there is a train of thought or some train of verbiage being spoken into my head from a source which is external to my head which I show interest in, at least one pig_gorl track is played in my head at simultaneously and at a volume which makes it hard for me to concentrate my attention on what I prefer to be focusing on instead of pig_gorl. I am currently in Dublin but thinking about going back to Castro Valley hoping that the torture will not be as bad there (but the civilians there seem more intrusive and numerous and there are far fewer places to hide which are also conveniently located near bathrooms, electrical outlets, and drinking water spouts). I rhetorically ask myself what good are these amenities if I am being too severely tortured to use them efficiently (because I literally spend most of my time trying to distract myself from the abuse from law enforcement or to mitigate it (and it my efforts thus far have only been marginally effective)). I do fear my family members condone that I be tortured in the way I describe. I do think the torture is at least slightly worse in Dublin than in Castro Valley. Hence, even though it's already 11:11PM and I'm already where I originally planned to stay the night, I'll go to the BART station as soon as I update this note and head back to Castro Valley because the torture in Dublin is basically making me feel suicidal and/or homicidal (though I am much more likely to commit suicide than homicide because my ultimate goal now is to minimize the total suffering in existence). Perhaps God is insane or sadistic or incompetent at effecting what it wants. Perhaps God needs a hard reset or to be put out of its misery (and I define God to be all of nature and to be a ubiquitous and irreducible substrate into which all phenomena are projected). * * * I've been hearing pig_gorl say a lot today, "Will she just shut up?" I noticed that law enforcement frequently calls me Karlina instead of Kar or karbytes (which I prefer to karbytes) and also they almost always refer to me using the feminine pronouns she/her instead of the masculine pronouns he/him (and I prefer to be referred to via masculine pronouns although almost no one does). I think law enforcement may want me to conclude that, no matter how long I consistently continue to self administer testosterone injections and proclaim that prefer to be treated as a man instead of as a woman, I will always be treated as a woman because law enforcement and much of (if not most of human society) would prefer to treat me as a woman (and perhaps they also think that a person's biological sex (i.e. the sex which that person was assigned at birth) should be treated as the same thing as that person's gender (i.e. which is a girl/woman if the sex is female and a boy/man if the sex is male). Finally I was told that I do not care enough about people other than myself and have nothing worthwhile to talk (what I think is implicitly for that reason). Whether or not I work, I plan on keeping to myself while being polite and agreeable only for the purpose of keeping my job and minimizing interpetsonal conflict. At this time in my life I generally loathe humanity and find most humans to be unworthy of my time, attention, and other resources. When pressed for a quick answer, I would rather kill myself and let other people have my stuff than fight with other people over control over that stuff. I hate the people so much, I would rather abruptly end my life to not have to deal with them than fight to salvage what remains of my life and potential to be happy while other people seem to always be trying to sabotage my happiness (which is honestly exhausting to have to put up with for an indefinitely long period with no end in sight). So, to be blunt, I am a misanthropist (but a lover of technology and science). * * * To be fucking honest, every trajectory I imagine is possible for me to embark on from wherever I currently am located sucks (i.e. is highly unpleasant). Hence, my goals in life have been reduced to a more modest size: merely trying to choose the least sucky of all those damned options. Well, there you go, kids. That's all I have to say for my 33 years of life on this planet as a human being. Honestly, I really dislike the idea of murdering people against their will or without their explicit consent. I am definitely not far off from offing myself to spare others the inconvenience of my living. Let it be known that I am all for everyone ending their lives if each of them feels that doing so is the least sucky option for each of them personally (but I am NOT of the camp who believes that people who genuinely want to live should have their lives taken from them just to make those who feel more cynical and depressed than them feel less envious or whatever). I'm not a spiteful person. I'm very compassionate (but I don't often try to make that known because I don't want to bother people who already feel stressed from having to deal with fake compassionate people because there seem to be many). If I have anything to offer humanity it is some kind of personality and associated body of knowledge which would have been a very good friend to have but a friend which could not be have while that friend was still a mortal human instead of in a higher more transcendent form which may have had to die to become that way.