/** 
  * file: karbytes_14_august_2023.txt 
  * type: plain-text 
  * date: 14_AUGUST_2023 
  * author: karbytes 
  * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN 
  */

Though I said in karbytes_13_august_2023.txt that I would not be uploading any more personal diaries to the Internet, I decided to add just one more of such notes because I think this note summarizes what I have been trying to communicate (at least to myself) for the past three plus years:

((###) Note that, within the past three years, I have come to the conclusion that it is generally more strategic for me to error on the side of being pessimistic rather than optimistic. (Other people have attacked me quite viciously for showing optimism and pride. To avoid getting attacked and having my life further ruined, I felt coerced into acting as though I only aspire to be a lowly janitor for the rest of my life content to be dirt poor with no hobbies other than public intoxication for the rest of my life so that I don't "inspire" people to whack me upside the head for acting too cocky, upbeat, and affluent). Hence, I tend to rarely mention what I think are positive thoughts (especially about people) and instead mostly mention what I think are problems to either be solved or to be placed in the "deal with later" pile for an indefintely long period of time).

Each time I was admitted to a mental hospital, I was only allowed to leave if my parents can to pick me up and consented to me being able to leave (despite the fact that I was a legal adult during those times). I think there has been a campaign against my autonomy and people trying to legally render me someone else's property. I think I live in a partiarchal society and my parents colluded against me to essentoially marry me off to my father against my will and without informing me. If I were born with XY chromosomes instead of XX chromosomes, I doubt I would have gone to a mental ward once and, if I did, I would not have required my parent's consent to leave.

It's been more than three years since I was admitted to a mental hospital (and I was admitted after acting out destructively as a result of feeling mistreated by other people). I think people would rather me go to the psychiatric hospital than straight to prison because going to a mental ward first means that my sanity and ability to act on my own behalf could be dismissed as incompetent and whoever else was involved in what ultimately resulted in me acting out destructively would not be held accountable in any way.

I am not on good terms with my family of origin nor anyone I have formerly known in a personal and not just purely academic, hobbyist, or job-related context. That's because those people seem to think that I should be treated as having a permanent mental disability which makes it almost impossible for me to live on my own nor to do anything intellectually rigorous and become successful at it (###).

I am not on good terms with many strangers because I can tell based on how they treat me that they would have me locked away in a mental hospital or prison for the rest of my life because such people don't want me to become well-known nor looked up to as a public intellectual and such people get "kinky" pleasure out of kidnapping, torturing, and disempowering otherwise powerful people (###).

I am carefully job searching but at the same time I know I need to be careful not to share too many details about my job searching because, despite being told that I need to find a source of income other than my parents by my parents, my parents seem to act in ways which seem like sabotage attempts whenever I seem to be making progress with getting a job (###). I think my parents are addicted to and obsessed with fetishizing me having a nervous breakdown over the issue of "not being able to" get a job while being told that I have no choice but to ultimately settle for staying in my parents' houses where they can watch me and see that I am financially, socially, and intellectually cut off (###).

My parents seem to have plenty of money to live more affluently than the average citizen in this country despite them not having jobs (because at least one of my parents had a high paying job and is now retired while the other recieves a social security income just for being sufficiently old). Hence, I do not think they will have a valid excuse to stop giving me allowance money unless they seriously have to downsize their expenses. What I am afraid is somewhat likely to happen is that my parents will spitefully cut me off money at a time when they know I need it but am very close to being able to start paying for all of my own expenses if only I don't get cut off before I get my first paycheck or pass the first 90 days of being hired at a job (i.e. the period in which I am no longer being considered for long term hire and am instead considered to be eligible for staying at the company long term). There is no law preventing my parents from implementing a "bait-and-switch" prank on me and from otherwise being psychologically abusive. Hence, I do not feel that I can seriously enjoy my life until I go for at least three years holding down a job and successfully managing my own money by being able to save up enough money to handle sudden unexpected job loss and able to pay for what I think are basic necessities and other material commodities I would not want to be deprived of (###).

I do not mean to suggest that I am on terrible terms with my family. I used to be on much worse terms with them. Now I hardly talk to them and I avoid getting into arguments with them nor bringing up anything which might make them upset (because they tend to escalate it into a bigger fight and resort to ad hominem attacks, vulgar slurs, threats to cut me off financially, and hanging up the phone on me). 

If my parents cut me off money and prohibit me from coming to their houses to retrieve my stuff (and threaten to call the police to have me arrested for unlawful trespassing), I will go to the nearest homeless shelter I know of and use whatever resources are available there to get a job as quickly as possible and to get free food and other provisions.

I doubt that I will end up having to go to a homeless shelter. Instead, I predict that I will find a job within the next three months and keep that job for at least one year. I plan on looking for a warehouse job and taking my bicycle there and possibly camping in the streets near where I work (which is something I was able to do quite successfully at my most recent job).

Though my parents encouraged me to use their Toyota Matrix, I have been keeping that car parked in a relatively secluded area in Castro Vally within a five mile radius of where my parents live. I was afraid that, if I did not take that car out of the drive way to at least pretend to be using, my parents would tease me for appearing to have no life outside the home while parking their cars in front of that car to implicitly suggest that I have no reason to leave the house.

I have suggested that my mom sell that car and stop paying insurance on that car in order to save money while helping me continue relying on a bicycle and public transportation to get around but my parents insisted on keeping that car in service (especially for my benefit). So it is not my fault that $300 per month are being spent by my parents on keeping that car insured to be driveable. It is my fault that the car is hardly ever driven and it mostly just gathers dust in the shady yet relatively safe spot where it is parked. I am afraid that many employers (especially warehouses) are reluctant to hire me if they think I don't intend to commute to work via driving a car (###). Hence, I might end up getting a job in a place like downtown Berkeley near the BART station to work in a retail or maybe even office setting because such jobs seem to be more green-commute-friendly than logistics and manufacturing jobs generally are. A lot of people seem to think I am literally insane (or should be treated as insane and maybe even rendered insane) for the "crime" of not being more reliant on a car (###).

I would like to prove that it is possible to get a job which supports my "digital nomad" lifestyle without having to drive a car. Perhaps during that time I can secure low cost housing for myself and build out my social and economic support network. I want to be well-prepared for emergencies (especially becoming severely disabled). I am hoping that, if that happens, I am able to live with people I trust other than my parents who would help me try to be as independent and happy as possible (though I doubt there are many people out there who would want me to do much other than watch television and chat with whoever I am forced to be in close proximity to). I am trying to avoid being relegated to circumstances in which I am effectively rendered a child in some person's custody other than myself. That's why I am in such a mad rush to get Karbytes For Life Blog dot WordPress dot Com (and associated GitHub repositories) in as finalized of a state as possible and backed up at least one hundred times per web page so that, in case I do end up "incapacitated" (i.e. effectively rendered mute and "unable" to act and communicate on my own behalf due to being placed in another person's custody and under their authority (which could happen if I end up becoming severely crippled or kidnapped and sold to a brothel)), the essence of my mind (while it was relatively empowered and established in its self-assigned life purpose work) got to be preserved on the public domain World Wide Web (where virtually any person, as long as the World Wide Web remains accessible to the public and in tact, can access that content and have a chance at getting to know me the way I want to be known: as a computer science major and philosophy enthusiast with a unique brand of public domain intellectual property; not as some crippled, traumatized, and severely disenfranchized human victim). 

To punctuate this journal entry, I found an interesting article about women in India who have been forcibly committed to mental hospitals by family members who wanted to get rid of them (and not necessarily because those women seriously needed psychiatric help):

https://www.hrw.org/news/2014/12/03/interview-locked-institutions-no-way-out