/**
* file: karbytes_25_july_2023.txt
* type: plain-text
* date: 25_JULY_2023
* author: karbytes
* license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN
*/

Am I a burden to society if I don't have friends. Apparently yes. But if I have friends, then I am a burden to those friends unless I give them benefits and never demand anything in return. I think having close to zero friends and practicing self reliance and spending a lot of time alone makes me a stronger, smarter, more original, and more self reliant person than I otherwise would be. Hence I think I should keep acting like a schizoid for the rest of my life. I might end up being voluntarily celibate and cuddle-free for the rest of my life too because I see how cruel and conniving people are and how they taunt me with things I want and seem to get pleasure from trying to prevent me from having such things. So rather than try to pursue such things, I would rather go without those things and only pursue the things I deem to be essential to thriving as a schizoid (i.e. someone who is extremely disinterested in being involved in intimate interpersonal relationships in favor of spending as much time as possible engaged in solitary activities).

I am not sure how many decades or years I will continue living for before I die. I consider myself to already be "too old" to make new friends (but I will have to have social connections in order to survive and to hold down a job). I will probably treat all of my future social interactions as mere isolated logistical transactions rather than as deposits or withdrawals from some kind of "relationship bank account". If I see the same person again multiple times, great! That person is then more or less a recurring character in the movie I am the sole protagonist of. Otherwise, that person is someone who appears zero or else one time throughout that entire movie.

I understand that I will probably not earn as much money nor live as long as a schizoid than as a non schizoid. That's the price I apparently "choose" to pay. Otherwise, I would "choose" differently. I apparently prefer to have autonomy and solitude more than I do attention, affection, and assets bestowed on me from other humans. Consequently, I think I need less money and less assistance than more socially enmeshed people do (because I have had more experience accomplishing things on my own than they have). I also think I am a deeper and more original thinker than they are.

After today, I plan on only making updates online about my medical issues, logistical issues, and project related issues. What that means is that I plan to not make updates about people other than myself.

* * *

I have been suspecting for more than three years that AJP has more political power than what I have and the government sanctioned right and perhaps obligation to surveil me, to censor me, to barage me with harassing messages, and to enlist other people to physically assault me, to vandalize my property, and to otherwise inconvenience me. There seems to be a widespread agenda to undermine the queer community and any lifestyles or cultures which do not make heterosexual marriage and procurement of biological children within that marriage paramount and implicitly mandatory. AJP may feel entitled to have dominion over me and other people seem to be supportive of me being coerced into being AJP's subordinate, lackee, and partner. I see how little anyone is willing to address this matter. I assume most people side with the patriarchy. I have seen a lot of violence promoting comments to news stories lately. I also have firsthand experience dealing with violence inflicted on me or threatened to be inflicted on me from black people in response to me using words or traveling by myself with too much of a sense of empowerment. I read this morning that blacks are the most violent population and such statistics are congruent with my experience (and I noticed AJP seems to embody the qualities of a chauvinistic and vindictive black male). I saw that a new GitHub user started following my GitHub account yesterday and I did not check to see who it was until this morning. I was surprised to see it was AJP. As customary, I followed him back because I almost always follow back my followers on social media (unless those accounts appear to be spam filled accounts promoting content which I think is superfluous advertisements which are likely selling junk products and services). I think AJP following me was not him attempting to restore our friendship nor to show support for my endeavors, but rather, to show me that he is stalking me and not done harassing me and that there is nothing I can do to stop him from stalking and harassing me and, if I make a big stink about it, people will take me even less seriously and/or rejoice in the fact that I'm acting like a good little rape victim. I might die before AJP (or whoever my bullies are) stop harassing me (but I assure my audience that I most likely won't commit suicide over merely being bullied by apes). If I commute suicide, it would be to escape excruciatingly physically painful circumstances which I would rather not have to prolong my suffering through (especially knowing that some people would be rejoicing in me being in such agony).

At least I have parents who love me and allow me to live with them for free and help me pay for things to live as well as I do (which is pretty well but probably too well for AJP and/or whoever my anonymous bullies are to stand). I am trying to avoid getting into fights and drama with other people. Most people are nice or neutral to me but some people are quite rude and combative. I don't want to devolve into violence or cursing derogatory words or gestures at people even though doing so is quite common these days. I want to help make the world a nicer place to live in by being nice even if others are not nice. It makes me feel better about myself to be a nice person than to be a cruel person (but I can see that being cruel can sometimes feel good in the heat of the moment and it does seem to earn social credibility amongst cruelty-promoting populations).

I don't mean to be racist. I think that if every person was living in decent conditions and treated with respect and care, there would be almost zero violence and other acts expressing hatred towards people by people because no one would seemingly feel intentionally disadvantaged. I want to treat every person as a unique individual instead of as interchangeable members of some group I may have accumulated stereotypical prejudices about. I think human civilization is getting more peaceful and smart over time on average. I do think humans will stop wrecking havoc on Earth's ecosystems in time to save human civilization from ending rather abruptly due to warfare and/or ecological disasters and/or viral pandemics.

Well, it looks like it is too late for me to reconnect with former intimate partners (specifically AJP and SED (and last night I had a rather vivid dream about SED and was reminded that SED is practically married to someone other than me now)). I will only be a follower or followee on social media in terms of staying in touch with either SED or AJP. I will follow in AJP's example by neither sending nor responding to private messages nor by upvoting nor commenting on social media posts.

To people other than SED and AJP, I am open to being much more communicative and perhaps even emotionally, intellectually, and physically intimate. I might take breaks from celibacy at times but not with SED nor with AJP nor with anyone else I'm not okay with fucking.