/**
 * file: karbytes_30_may_2024.txt
 * type: plain-text
 * date: 29_MAY_2024
 * author: karbytes
 * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN
 */

During the past week, my sister and her spouse and child traveled from out of state to visit my parents. My brother also traveled for over one hundred miles to visit my parents during that time period. I was informed about my siblings visitation plans via my parents and tentatively told them that I would come over to my mom’s house where my siblings were staying for that week (at least on Memorial Day) but I ultimately decided to not show up due to feeling anxious about having too little to say and too much which is on my mind which I feel is best dealt with privately on my own (and stuff which I honestly think is a bit depressing, stressful, upsetting, and perhaps controversial (and stuff which pertains to my own sanity and notions of sanity, truth, and importance)). I felt that I had too little to say because I have been unemployed since February 2024 despite job searching (albeit not as adamantly as I have job searched in the past) and, most of all, because I basically have zero social life outside of shopping at nearby stores and occasionally talking to my parents (and only talking as minimally as I think is necessary to complete transactions and to be what I consider to be as polite as possible or necessary).

For whatever reason, random strangers and people who I assume know more about me than I know about them seem to be angry at me because some of them have said vague yet disparaging things to me and about me (seemingly in response to me exuding “the wrong” pose, words, or mood (and I admit that I seriously believe that some people other than myself routinely and intensively stalk me and surveil my “real time” thoughts based on how I have observed many of such people to behave while in proximity to me and how their behavior seemed to coincide with my “private” thoughts as though such people were listening in on what my thoughts were and immediately and loudly announcing that they heard me think something which “triggered” them (i.e. compelled them to react in a strongly disapproving and emotionally charged way)). Whether people surveil my otherwise private first-person (i.e. what I experience) mental activity or not, I still nevertheless find it useful to me (i.e. comforting and resource-saving) to quietly assume that such people exist and are actually hellbent on trying to make me feel bad and to coerce me into self-sabotage (for whatever reason). Though I do not know exactly why some people seem to routinely and vigorously go out of their way to make me the target of their bullying (in the form of mostly vague verbal taunts and some occasional theft and vandalism of my personal belongings), I do have some guesses: (a) those people see me as a villain for committing what they see as past, current, or anticipated (in the future) transgressions, (b) those people are deeply envious of my comparatively good fortune and are hence attempting to alleviate some of the pain they feel by trying to take from me what those people find to be triggering of their painful envy, and (c) those people are very apprehensive about the future and changes to their familiar ways of life (however shitty those ways are) and prefer to censor me out of existence (or to make me appear to not be a formidable public figure with intellectual prowess and society-shaping influence) so that they can smugly go about their business without any threat to their sacred status quo (which strongly favors keeping women (and biologically female humans in general) from deviating away from traditional roles as wives, mothers, and people who are expected to almost always prioritize family over personal aspirations). While I do admit to having a history of violent crime and hospitalization due to mental illness, I think it is important to emphasize that I have not committed a violent crime nor been admitted to a psychiatric hospital for over six years (which I think is a long enough time to have seriously improved in terms of being able to cope with adversity and navigate the complexities of human civilization (and, according to my own assessment, I have matured significantly over those years through my employment and academic/hobbyist experiences)).

Perhaps not enough humans (with “the right” qualifications) agree with my assessment (and I assume that to be the case). Otherwise, I would have heard some feedback about my blogging from at least one besides myself by now and I probably would have gotten at least some donations via my blogging sites by now (and those websites are (a) Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com and (b) Karbytes For Life Blog dot WordPress dot Com (and each one of those two websites has on its home page a DONATIONS_PORTAL section featuring a click-able link to my business PayPal donation page)).

I do not mean to imply in the previous paragraph that absolutely zero people have shown support for my website developments. My mom has sent me donation money near daily for years in order to help me pay for food and other basic routine expenses (both while I was working at some job and while I was unemployed). Also, a family friend has kindly donated $3 to the aforementioned PayPal portal when I asked via social media for people to contribute $3 to my PayPal in order to confirm that my websites and donation portal were not being censored or obstructed from being operational. That $3 from Steve made all the difference for me because it provided tangible evidence that someone other than my mom could send money to my PayPal donation portal. Also, based on the responses ChatGPT has given me when I asked it to describe the web pages whose Uniform Resource Locators I submitted (to pages within my personal websites and relevant GitHub repositories), my personal websites appear to not be censored on the public World Wide Web. I think I simply need to continue existing to see my web presence draw more visitor traffic and for my content to increase in terms of quantity and quality (as a consequence of continuing to advance my own education for as long as I am instantiated as a conscious and self-sovereign information processing agent).

Finally, I would like to suggest that I am on as good of terms as I have ever been with all of my family members. It is my goal to minimize the degree of interpersonal conflict which I am personally involved in, to maximize my sense of well-being and agency, and to be as nice to everyone as physically possible. I figure that existence is already challenging and painful enough without additional human-generated adversity. I am not someone who enjoys nor condones retaliatory behavior (but I do condone violence performed in self defense or in defense of others in life-threatening emergencies involving a violent threat). I hope that my fellow humans and I can continue to coexist with each other in relative harmony. I will do my best to keep derogatory or presumptuous commentary about people other than myself private (unless I feel the context is appropriate in which to disclose such sentiments).

One last thing: people might be concerned to see that I still am almost always wearing my big camping backpack whenever I am outside in public and that I frequently spend the night camping outdoors at places such as Chabot Regional Park. Such people might assume that I am homeless and in immediate need of assistance (i.e. food, shelter, clothing, medical care, et cetera). Although I greatly appreciate the concern other people have for their fellow humans (and I greatly appreciate the fact that I live in a place where homelessness is not absolutely criminalized and where resources to assist the homeless at getting their basic needs met do exist (thanks to tax dollars and volunteers)), I do not mean to give off the impression that I am genuinely homeless and/or severely destitute. What I am is someone who strongly prefers to sleep outside and to spend lots of time alone and in the presence of natural beauty because I found that doing so has prevented me from slipping into serious depression. I used to feel a lot worse and have more “outbursts” during the years I used to spend a lot more time indoors (especially at night). Despite criticism and disapproval from other people, I intend to keep up such habits because doing so has enabled me to function most optimally (according to me) and better than any other living arrangement I had tried thus far. In other words, I intend to keep sleeping outside most nights and to wear my big camping backpack most days. I carry a lot of what I consider to be essential gear in that backpack (including my laptop computer, phone, batteries, charging cables, clothing, bedding, and hygeine supplies). Hence, it’s like having a portable comfort zone; a kit to set up my own personalized home away from home so that I feel at home wherever I go.

The Actual Last Thing: in recent months I have felt pangs of sadness over the thought of not visiting my friends and family members for “too long” and/or never again. I have worried that I missed my final opportunity to visit my siblings (though I think it is very likely that I will visit them in the future). If I cared about that enough, then I would have showed up to see my siblings during this past week (but, then again, if I did not stay isolated, I might not have attained the blogging milestones I did during this past week). I am sorry to any people my absence has caused any degree of anguish over. I am not mad at anyone and do not want to make anyone feel worse than they already do. I hope to be more available to socialize “in person” with people in the future instead of missing out on such precious opportunities.