/** * file: karbytes_26_august_2024.txt * type: plain-text * date: 26_AUGUST_2024 * author: karbytes * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN */ I imagine there are people in my life who are implicitly saying to me, “I want to make sure that you don’t have a good start to your day nor any elaborate thoughts in your head. Instead, I demand that you stay indefinitely preoccupied with the belligerent antics of envy-driven, power-hungry, status-obsessed ‘juveniles’ who seem to outnumber you almost anywhere you go. They don’t like the fact that you have your own culture, identity, and worldview beyond what they seem to think should be the one and only ideology, ontology, and actual manifestation of human potential. What those ‘juveniles’ demand is that you be more like them and less like you (and what they are is incessantly chatty and hostile towards those they secretly envy (i.e. people who have the means to be relatively polite, professional, and intellectual rather than merely physical as a non-human animal embroiled in some lifelong struggle for territorial acquisition and continued possession of such (and such ‘territory’ includes women’s bodies, offspring, and all forms of material commodities or keepsakes))).” My implication with that previous paragraph is that I think there are people who exist who really embody what that quotation in the previous paragraph stated and that such people are aggressively opposed to me having a “white collar” career (especially one which emphasizes having a relatively robust background in computer science and software development). Finally, I cannot help but notice that one of the ‘voices of the Community’ which seems to be intensely preoccupied with my activity (both physical and mental) is demanding I be too emotionally riled up and feeling victimized to embody my ideals. I imagine her to be a Black and/or Hispanic/Latino woman in her late thirties (but intellectually and emotionally resembling someone in their late teens) with eyes bulging in anger and lips curled in a perpetual snarl while her front teeth resemble a horse naying. I also imagine her head looks disproportionately big for her relatively child-sized body which is clad in sexually revealing and unambiguously feminine attire. I imagine her face is more wide than it is round; slightly neonatal in its proportions. She is constantly flapping her gums in an angry whining manner. She sounds like she wants me to be her cathartic release valve. She seems to insist that I be seen by others as a violent, angry, poor, and slovenly thug so that people deny me decent employment opportunities. In the past I made audio impersonations of her and referred to her using the moniker pig_gorl. The complete list of such audio recordings is available on the following web page: https://karbytesforlifeblog.wordpress.com/pig_gorl/ In a slightly more general context, I do mean to imply that so-called minorities are likely “overcompensating” (especially women) for what they think they lack by behaving in an excessively exhibitionist and bratty manner. Otherwise, I assume they would demonstrate more composure. At the moment I write this (while at Civic Center BART station in San Francisco, California) I hear some man (who I assume is Black (and its practically required by “the Community” that I always capitalize the “b” in “Black” when referring to the respective race while not doing the same for other human races)) yelling for several minutes nonstop that someone like me is committing the heinous crime of talking to myself (or to others) about myself instead of dutifully shutting up and keeping my mental activity to a bare minimum so as to not “put on airs” of intellectual sophistication and hence superiority. For the record, I do my absolute best on a daily basis to not offend other people regardless of whether or not other people return the (mostly unacknowledged) favor. I am unwilling to subjugate myself to any “authority” other than myself (which is what seemingly many humans cannot stand). Because of what I have experienced, I cannot help but see most humans as too impatient, intellectually underdeveloped (and lazy), anthropocentric (especially with regards to a chauvinist male dominated social hierarchy), and controlling for me to want close interpersonal relationships with humans. Instead, I generally restrict my involvement with other people to online communications only (for topics I consider to be socially controversial or just too niche for the general public to want to allow space for even existing) and to strictly business-like and pragmatic transactions only. I consider Nature to be my one and only “higher power” and I am frequently rewarded by Nature’s bounty in ways which make humanity in general seem stingy and punitive in comparison). Also, for the record, my default plan is to resume working in a warehouse as a seasonal employee (particularly with Amazon) later this year. In all honesty, I am “secretly” trying for a job which is more similar to the job I had while working as a software development intern at Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory spanning the years 2012 and 2015. Perhaps I’ll find a decent remote or hybrid remote/in-person job. (I still here that man yelling and I thought I heard him insinuate I’m a spoiled entitled “princess” for ideating about such relatively high-brow career prospects). Okay, now it is time for me to pretend I did not make this note and publish it anyway (for the sake that such a note helps at least myself to better understand what is going through my mind as I navigate my prolonged unemployment situation in the hopes of attaining a more dignified standard of living). * * * I am now sitting at a bus stop on way to a doctor’s appointment while I amend this document. I would like to elaborate this note after seeing what seems like the millionth plastic spoon on the ground seemingly deliberately placed there by some humans who wanted me to see those spoons and be reminded that I am still “on trial” for an incident of domestic violence I was apparently not punished enough for according to those I imagine are leaving those spoons along my path and otherwise heckling me. The domestic violence incident (which happened on 09_SEPTEMBER_2018 in the house I used to call home as a child and young adult up to that point in my life (and was ordered via legal restraining order to stay away from until approximately 2021)) occurred while my mother and I were having a fight about something and her communicating to me that she did not want me to have a good career nor social life and to be relegated to the shadows as someone to be dismissed as mentally ill. I got very angry at her and decided that she was hellbent on preventing me from having a dignified existence. I thought I had nothing to lose at that point. Hence, I threw a stainless steel teaspoon at the back of her head while standing on the staircase of her house. She shrieked and called 911. I was detained and eventually placed in a psychiatric ward where I overheard one of the staff members (who I also overheard disclosing to other staff members that he was a political conservative) say he did not feel sorry for me and had “conniving” ideas about how to punish me). Approximately one week later, I was placed in a county jail and was released approximately two weeks later. After that I resumed working in fast food restaurants briefly but dropped out of working as soon as I noticed the voices in my head which were not my own and which I assume are from law enforcement placing some kind of brain-to-computer interface in my body which enabled them to surveil my mental activity and to interject their own punitive messages (which I have been hearing to this day). Apparently, that is not sufficiently punitive according to many who seem to want me to be incarcerated for a longer period of time. I think that, despite such “thought policing” being a profound invasion of my privacy and disruption to my livelihood, such “intervenction” was intended to be rehabilitavie and not merely punitive. I am someone who believes that punishment should only be deployed as a means to the end of deterring criminal behavior and not as an end in itself. I am not so sure how popular of an opinion that is because I seem to often encounter messages from other people insinuating that they want more punishment inflicted on those they see as criminals (and punishment which, to me, seems just as unjust as whatever the original crime was). Based on the cauterwaling from the women I hear in my midst, that seems to be the case for me. (It should be noted also that, seemingly as part of my “rehabilitation” and/or “punishment”, I am forced to air my otherwise private thoughts to the public because other people have often acted as though they can hear the actual words I am thinking in my head. Perhaps what those people are hearing is what the “thought police” is forcing everyone around me to hear. I have yet to gather intel about what is really going on with respect to me hearing such voices and other people seeming to have access to my otherwise private mental activity. When I tried broaching the subject matter with other people, I was dismissed as crazy and even locked up for two weeks at the aforementioned psychiatric hospital merely for calling 911 about it and telling them I thought someone installed some kind of brain-to-computer interface in my body. My experiences have lead me to conclude that I will be brutally punished for speaking up about my inner experience and the sense of violation I feel. It seems that, on a daily basis since early 2019, I have been bullied mercilessly in ways which would be the subject of civil lawsuits if happening to someone else. Perhaps I have been subject to extreme ongoing psychological harassment in order to build an immunity to such so that I am not as prone to act out in a violent manner. (The penalization of masculinity is another topic I would rather save for another day). Finally, in closing this note, I would like to disclose that my parents have been very generous in providing me a place to live (rent free) and money and other material commodities to live as well as I do. If it were not for their support, I would be in much more dire straits. At this time I think my parents and I get along better than ever before. I hope to not squander the investments they made in me and I hope to be able to support them in their old age. I do have two other siblings with decent jobs who I think will step in and help pay for their upkeep. I too hope to have a decent job by then so that I too can help support the very people who supported and cared for me most. Some people seem to want me to be wallowing in guilt and reminiscing about the past while I would rather move on as quickly as possible, minimize EVERY person’s suffering, and focus on the future more so than on the past. * * * It is approximately 3:00PM on 26_AUGUST_2024 and I recently just got out of my doctor’s appointment and am now sitting in a Pete’s Coffee cafe in San Francisco (which I cannot help but notice has an exceptionally nice layout which is conducive to working on one’s laptop compared to Pete’s cafes in more crowded and “child-centric” which I have frequented. I must admit that, the last few times I attempted to peacefully use my laptop at the Castro Valley Pete’s other people kept clamoring for my attention on all sides of me to the extent that I had to move my stuff over to the opposite end of the cafe. I find Castro Valley (despite being my home town) one of the most difficult places for me to sit the fuck down and work because of other people’s constant intrusiveness and meddling. Even at my own house I noticed people opening the door on me several times a day even at 3AM in the morning and while taking a shower. Several of my clothing items went missing in that house and people seem to leave “clues” in the form of random objects in my room (which, to me, is a covert way of saying, “This is not your house and you are lucky we are allowed to live there. So remember your place is at the very bottom of the social hierarchy and to not act like you can simply live your life here.” That is partially evidenced by the fact that, up until I got my latest laptop, I was mostly unable to connect to the Internet from anywhere but right next to the router in the living room. I do think people are afraid of me actually being able to work remotely and pay for myself to live independently, relocate, travel, et cetera. I would be a lot more inclined to go out of my way to socialize (like I used to when I was in my early twenties) if I did not feel that there were many people trying to micromanage me on a daily basis out of a sense of animosity and or envy towards me). (I noticed earlier today that, despite being able to connect to my phone’s Wi-Fi hotspot from both operating systems which are installed on my computer, I was not able to even view my phone’s network when I tried to establish a hotspot earlier while sitting at the aforementioned bus stop while on the Ubuntu side of my laptop. I was barely able to maintain the hotspot connection while on the Windows side. Perhaps there are law enforcement agents intervening to make sure that I do not use my laptop in a place which is likely to attract thieving criminals or even just to upset those who think that such an activity is not to be occurring there (because I saw several people walk up to me, stand there for no more than a minute or two, and abruptly leave before I noticed my Internet connection mysteriously failing). It is more enjoyable and safe for me to be using my laptop in a cafe than alone on a bench in the middle of a cede part of the city. Perhaps I will become one of those cafe hoppers who practically lives in public cafes as I prepare to get a better job than what I have managed to hold in recent years and while I work on my blog. I feel that I have everything I need to succeed provided that I frequent locations which are actually hospitable to my existence as a geek (and not just some token scapegoat or martyr to the marginalized (though I think that I am ultimately going to be of most service to them if I can actually pay my taxes and donate to what I think are legitimate and worthwhile charities)).