/** 
  * file: karbytes_16_october_2023.txt
  * type: plain-text 
  * date: 17_OCTOBER_2023 
  * author: karbytes 
  * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN
  */

This morning (after locking my bicycle onto a bicycle rack near a public park), I noticed that the back tire was flat. I tried putting some air in it using my hand-powered portable bicycle tire air pump and then proceeded to continue riding the bicycle for approximately fifty more meters before the tire ruptured (which rendered the bicycle unrideable). This week I plan on taking the bicycle to a local bicycle repair shop (using the car I have been borrowing from my parents to get it their instead of dragging or carrying the bicycle while walking (and I literally pushed the box containing the pre-assembled bicycle which I ordered and picked up from a Walmart store in Pleasanton for approximately a mile of cumulative walking to a bicycle repair shop to have the bicycle professionally set up for approximately $100).

I am not sure whether my bicycle tire went flat due to the tire becoming brittle from exposure to pressure, temperature changes, and sharp objects on the ground such as thorns from certain kinds of weeds or whether my bicycle tire went flat as a result of humans deliberate trying to sabotage my goals.

If humans did deliberately vandalize my bicycle during the past 24 hours, I imagine those people did so because they are opposed to me transporting myself without a car. Perhaps they do not want me to succeed at proving that bicycling and BART rides are a cost effective and ecologically sustainable alternative to driving a petroleum powered car because it goes against those people's agenda to keep as many people as possible confined to cars (especially petroleum powered cars). Perhaps their masculinity is threatened by the prospect of a female bodied human adult traveling around so independently, freely, cheaply whilst appearing quite macho and for not lugging with me everywhere I go the means to have spontaneous sexual encounters in the sealed vessel which is my car and to easily transport luggage and passengers instead of just myself.

* * *

I do not like how chauvinist my writings have sounded during the past week (if not longer). Now that I am sitting in a place I have not sat at in what seems like at least one year instead of the small region I have been hanging out mostly outdoors near, it is more palpable to me than it was where I have been hanging out lately that I have been hard core role playing some misogynist, racist, and ablist pig ape. I want to apologize but as soon as I do other people crowd around me and attempt to interrupt me and to influence my writings (which makes me not want to continue fleshing out this "apology"). Yes I think certain types of people more so than other types of people have been aggressively intrusive and corrosive to my agenda. It seems that they are desperate to sabotage me so that I remain their destitute and oppressed prisoner and target of harassment. They are so disgustingly forceful about inserting themselves in my personal space to the extent that I would call them rape apologists. Such people seem to prevent themselves and each other (and anyone they can dominate) from doing much other than live in squalor with few hobbies other than fucking. Such is a vehicle for effectively propagating the human population (irregardless of the cost and sustainability and public health considerations). I figured that if I did not practically have my uterus surgically removed, I would be covertly raped by being prevented from having sufficient quality alone time to introspect. Rather than meditate, the patriarchal system would seemingly rather me be constantly preoccupied with banal propaganda so that I eventually assimilate to the system as another wombed individual to exploit like a prized natural resource which is never supposed to be free to live without some patriarch owner stalking and manipulating her.

I did not want to get so shrill in this journal entry, but I did! I turned into a shrill feminazi squawking vainly about some conflationary patriarchy. I am the only person I know who is turned off by certain things I see trending amidst the people in my midst. I will try not to get too specific in public writings nor even in private writings. I expect that "those people" are on a crazed mission to drive me to self destruction so that they can rejoice in my suffering because to them such sadist voyeurism is a superior form of comfort than is investing in creative endeavors which do not force people to take damage against their will. People harass me so frequently and with more desperation within the past seven days than I have seen in my life. I hear those self righteous tenors preaching at me in a reprimanding way for focusing my intention inward instead of on the objects of his interest. That's what his bitch on a leash of a girlfriend is for: to lavish him with her loyalty and servitude and to renounce her individuality apart from being some man's property.

To be clear, my intention is to remain single and perhaps even celibate for life and to generally favor solitary hobbies over social activities.

* * *

Because I strongly condone freedom of speech (and thought), I strongly oppose censorship (unless the censorship consists merely of preventing accounts from getting hacked and the data in those accounts shared or tampered with without the account owner's permission).

Because I strongly condone freedom of speech, I make an effort to not complain if people call me names and pronouns I do not like being referred to as (or if those people barrage me with insults and taunts in general) firstly because doing so seems to be what those drama mongering bullies want me to do (which they can then conveniently use as an excuse to escalate the interaction into a bigger fight because such bullies are too unhappy to not want to refrain from deliberately trying to make other people less happy to vainly compensate for one's own happiness debt). 

Also, this bike repair job is costing me more than twice as much time and money as I thought it would cost because I went to the shittier of the two bicycle stores I typically go to (and the non shittier store is closed today and today and tomorrow I have been ordered to appear at East County Hall of Justice). The shittier place has grossly inflated prices compared to the other place.

* * *

I take back what I said about one of the two shops being shittier than the other. Both deserve at least 4/5 star ratings from me in my opinion because both got the job done to my satisfaction.

What I especially appreciate about what the bike repair crew did today was raise the seat such that it no longer falls down and is a much more ergonomic height for me. I did not even ask for that adjustment. Riding the bike has never felt so good because I can just keep going without falling into positions which put a damaging amount of strain on my knees.

* * *

Today I called my mom on the phone to ask her for money for gasoline and she reluctantly said she would transfer more money today and that I was "sucking her dry" and she asked me if I was getting any help in terms of getting a job. I told her I have been attending interviews but have not yet been offered a job. Then she proceeded to reprimand me for how bad my criminal background history must look to employers and said discouraging things to me. I then told my mom quite assertively that she was being unkind and unhelpful. Then she said she would cut me off right then and there from futher donations for daring to say anything which is not absolutely supplicating to her tyrannical and antagonistic ways. My mother is abusive and I only interact with her for the sake of getting economic assistance (which she gets a power trip out of dangling in front of me just to pull out of my reach like she's doing that with bacon in front of a hungry dog). It's a lot to ask some mothers (and perhaps to a lesser extent fathers) not to br deliberately cruel and sabotaging to their own biological children's welfare.

I feel like a human than emerged from the carcass of a more primitive and savage species of ape than human. I might as well proceed as though I were gestated in an artificial womb from lab grown stem cells and raised by the state.

I am just trying to live every day of my life to the fullest even while others insist on me being forcibly prevented from living with gusto. I have no friends because I am hardly allowed to exist as it is. I hardly get the sense that I am allowed to peacefully enjoy my own company without anti introverts trying to break up my intrapersonal pow wow.

I doubt very many (if any) humans other than karbytes genuinely sympathize with me more so than with whoever my adversaries are. After all, at 33 years old and as an able bodied adult who already took "too much" money from my parents, I ought to be fully financially independent by now instead of asking anyone for money.

I am not an entitled cunt because I will not disagree that not a single person owes me a cent of money because I am unemployed (which means I did not provide labor in exchange for wages) and because no one has yet offered me a job and given me an honest chance at keeping the job for longer than a week. I am so non entitled that I can brag that I know that no one owes me a job. If no humans want to employ me, then I presume that is because society wants to get rid of me in a way which does not inconvenience those who are deemed to be society's preferred and invested in members. If I die, it will appear to be due to an intentional injury, unintentional illness, or what appears to be intentional suicide.

My mom did end up transferring some money to my account but I think we are on even worse speaking terms than ever before. Oh well. I am starting to contend with the "fact" that I am a member of a cruel and insane species in a refreshingly impersonal and indifferent universe. Nature's neutrality, impartiality, ubiquitousness, and permanence is the only real comfort I am aware of and intentionally reach for. I generally avoid humans because they seem to want to make me feel cut off from the profound, the transcendent, and the most ecstatic to behold so that I instead feel stifled, antagonized, and set up to deteriorate and die sooner than I would without such intervention. 

Note that this note is a bit hyperbolic. The past three days have been unusually adversity ridden. I am trying to outrun the interception which seeks to shorten my lifespan and diminish my quality of life. I might not write for a while. Instead, I might go for days, weeks, and even months without making any futher updates to my Internet platform so that I give the system time to learn that I am about as much of a burden to society as is a dead person.

* * *

This section of this note was added on 17_OCTOBER_2023 while all the previous sections of this note were written on 16_OCTOBER_2023:

My parents and I seem to be on good terms. My mom has not seriously cut me off money and I doubt she seriously wants to because she and my dad are among the only humans who seem to be willing to financially support me while many strangers seem to go out of their way to bully me in public as though their agenda is to make me feel deprived of a place outside the home in which to exist comfortably. Also, my parents have never been what I consider to be seriously abusive to me in any way. I have seen plenty of videos online of other people being physically violoent and horrifically cruel in terms of verbal and psychological abuse to their own children and such videos helped me realize that what I am accustomed to is probably "too nice" for the majority of my fellow citizens to condone. It seems that meanness and an absence of sentimental attachment is trending more so than is being kind and open to sentimental affect. (Several times per day I notice adults acting like impatient and beligerent bullies seemingly going out of their way to sabotage my attempts to get some satisfaction from my efforts because such people seem to want me to be at least as misreable and deprived of satisfaction as they are). So it is not my biological relatives who are demanding that I stay unemployed and housebound and off my computer. Instead, itt is a certain subset of the local human population which seems to be much more culturally conservative than I am and a lot more animosity and violence promoting than I am (and that population seems to be especially opposed to me meditating or on exhibiting more brain activity than what is required to watch low-brow sensationalist television or anything else which is passive and low effort compared to solving calculus problems or reading some piece of literature which is dryly technical). That population seems to have much more influence over society than I generally have because such people are far more numerous than my kind is (and that is because such people seem to regard giving birth to new human offspring as the most valued and perhaps the only valued asset a female bodied human posesses (which is why such people demand that I be prevented from getting and keeping a job: to force me to be completely dependent on other people for money as a "gold digger" for the pig people to ridicule and to treat as being interchangeable with some overly simplistic and unaccurate caricature of me which those pig people seem desperate to use to overwrite the history of my existence and of my personal Internet media brand named karbytes)).

I am not at all comfortable allowing myself to atrophy physically nor mentally seemingly as willingly as those pig people are. Those people have disparaged me many times and quite aggressively for what they see as a crime: insisting that I have the means to extend my lifespan and abilities for an indefinitley long period of time instead of allowing my body and mind to dutifully atrophy while I invest in having biological offspring who I expect to outlive me and to take care of me when I become too feeble to take care of myself as a result of not deploying the means to extend my ability to live independently and with my intellectual and athletic abilities mostly in tact (and on par with what is commonly expected of a healthy and non sedentary adult human in its twenties, thirties, and fourties). Those pig people are particularly agressive about painting me as an extremely vain and weight-obsessed person when I am actually quite comfortable with my body image in general and have never been quite this satisfied with it any time in the past as I am now. So it seems odd that those sendantary-looking, ad homenim attack spewing militant breeder apes insist on telling themselves and me that I am extremely unhappy with my physical appearance and self conscious about not being as lean or as well defined in the muscles or bones as I really want to be. I actually think I am one of the most physically attractive humans I have ever seen and my current lifestyle seems to support me having a euphoric instead of dysphoric body image. (I have been reprimanded by the pig people many times for the "crime" of admiring my own appearance and even masturbating to the image of myself instead of pining for someone other than myself to come into my life to "complete me" and to gradually take over my lifestyle so that I end up doing little more than slavishly pandering to the patriachy).

To change the subject slightly, I have noticed that my job search has slowed down a bit lately due to the fact that I have seen fewer suitable jobs posted on Indeed dot Com and I have been getting more rejection notices after submitting job applications. Perhaps I will end up staying unemployed for the rest of the year. It all depends on how the pig people seem to feel. They alone seem to dictate my maximum earning potential and they seem to want to cap my lifestyle quality at a punitively low level: a state of ceaseless and unnecessary turmoil and a sense of my investments and hard work being wasted. 

(Note that, throughout this note in particular but, also, throughout the entire collection of web based public domain digital artifacts which comrpise the karbytes brand, there is quite a bit of hyperbole from me which exagerates or even fabricates details about my day to day experience. I exaggerate because doing so entertains and comforts me and I have learned via experience that trying too hard to avoid sounding melodramatic is an exercise in futility when I am regularly stalked and harassed by people who insist on depicting me as some kind of villain, liar, and lunatic. Oh well. At least my parents and my cat love me. If and when the day comes when those family members are no longer living while I am, I will carry on with warm memories of those family members caring about me and being kind to me because I imagine that I might have no sense of family at that stage in my life because, part of what I have been longing to do for most of my life is live alone and as asocially as possible so that I can maximize my autonomy and sense of being loyal to myself and avoid whatever would be detrimental to such aims).