/** * file: karbytes_01_october_2024.txt * type: plain-text * date: 29_SEPTEMBER_2024 * author: karbytes * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN */ In September 2018, I committed a violent crime which I have seemingly been thinking about every day ever since and what I regard as perhaps the worst "choice" I ever made (especially because it was against somone who has, according to me, shown me the most care and invested in me more than any other person I have known (besides myself)). What I have suspected since that incident (especially recently) is that many people harbor animosity towards me for that incident and those people want me to suffer from physical pain, psychological torment (especially in the form of deliberate bullying tactics deployed by other humans against me), and being deprived of honest, compassionate, and helpful (to me) feedback. My intuition suggests that close to 50% of the human population (and probably more like 70 to 90% if not 95% or more) would want me to undergo some kind of punishment which is about as severe and comprimising of my freedom, well-being, enjoyment, and self-actualization (especially with regards to my creative, intellectual, and even spiritual/philosophical endeavors) as would be a ten to twenty year prison sentence. I intuit that the vast majority of humans living in "third world" countries would want me to be physically mutiliated (e.g. have limbs severed without anesthetics, have stones thrown at me until severely brain damaged or dead, et cetera) for what they would deem as an unforgivable and heinous crime. I imagine that close to 60% of the population near where I live in Castro Valley and the neighboring cities would simply want me to be incarcerated for no fewer than five years and/or would want to ensure that I do not be rememebred for anything other than that crime I committed (while they totally condone that my efforts to "better" myself and invest in my own welfare be as thoroughly thwarted and sabotaged and discouraged as possible). This is based on how I have been treated in public by many people in recent memory. Such treatment has strengthened my resolve to remain a loner for the rest of my life and to renounce interpersonal relationships which are not fundamentally transactional in nature (i.e. for business, medical, legal, or recreational matters rather than for making friendship and intimacy an end worth my time and energy to invest in and derive a sense of personal significance from). I understand that, if I want to benefit from technology and other modern conviniences and comforts, I need to interact with other humans in a mutually favorable way (or at least be good at scamming people and getting away with it (which I generally avoid doing unless it seems to be the only option I have to obtain the commodities I want)). What I said in this note and elsewhere throughout this website (and how I imagine I have come across to people other than myself) is that I am pathologically selfish and deserve to be treated as a cold, conniving, and subhuman human rather than someone deserving of more kindness and investment from its fellow humans (and I have heard many people exclaim that I only care about myself while implicitly suggesting that they dutifully invest in their familial and communal relations with far more gusto, sincerity, pleasantness, and ease than I do and likely ever will (and I imagine such people do not even want me to get sufficient opportunity to become more comfortably integrated into society in a harmonious and mutually satisfying way because such people want me to feel ostracized, demonized, and brutalized)). I wrote in a note earlier in this blog about how I thought that all human intentionality is fundamentally a means to the end of gratifying one's own personal desires while stealthily using humans other than themselves as mere means to that end and lying to themselves that they actually enjoy the company of other people (because I think that they only value other people's company under the condition that those other people serve their selfish agenda). That older blog post is available at the following Uniform Resource Locator: https://karbytesforlifeblog.wordpress.com/karbytes_22_september_2024/ Well, I am off to casually (i.e. not making an extra effort to "go out of my way" to do so) gather more evidence as to whether or not other people support my endeavors or do not. So far, my experiences and judgment have lead me to assume that more than fifty percent of the people I encounter want me to undergo more punishment and setbacks towards achieving my goals all while those people seem wholly unwilling to communicate with me more directly about how they really feel about me (which leads me to assume that they simply want me to rack my brain over trying to figure out what they are implicitly saying to me without any of them telling me explicitly what they mean because part of the punishment they want inflicted on me and take on enforcing is that I be deprived of direct, efficient, and constructive communication about things I am concerned about). I probably exaggerated the probability estimates in this blog post. I prefer to pretend that more than 80% of people I encounter and live next to would treat me like just another one of their cherished family members if they had the chance to get to know me better and, even if they did not get to know me better than they currently do (except for learning about the aforementioned crime I committed in 2018 and the fact that I have this (rather controversial-sounding blog and unconventional and socially awkward or socially avoidant or even misanthropic attitude)), they would treat me like just another random person on the street who deserves to be left alone and helped in their time of need as much as any other person they would deem to be innocent. I think what I said in the previous sentence is mostly wishful thinking designed to protect my ego and to keep me from falling into despair, resentment, and self-destruction.