/**
 * file: journal_karbytes_20january2025.txt
 * type: plain-text
 * date: 20_JANUARY_2025
 * author: karbytes
 * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN
 */

WARNING: the following journal entry content may contain "controversial" or "dangerous" content which is not suitable for all audiences to read (despite the fact that the author of that content licensed that content as public domain and is making a concerted effort at keeping that content permanently available on the public World Wide Web to every user of the World Wide Web (without the user having to buy or request from human gatekeepers access to that particular content)). That content was written by its author in order to help that author clarify its own goals and bolster its defenses against what it believes is a threat to its goal-aquisition. (At the time the previous sentence was written, bullies in the backyard started making their deliberately antagonistic noises again. I will not specify my exact location but suggest that I have been staying at locations other than my place of legal residence and places where I have permission from the property owners to temporarily reside at. No matter where I go, it does seem that I eventually start to have enemies at a location as soon as I start to show signs of "rooting down" or "making a living". Fortunately for me, I have exceptionally supportive friends and family who have offered me refuge and material support in a world where such "luxuries" would be orders of magnitude more difficult and painful for me to go about obtaining. Hence, I cannot logically call such friends and family enemies of mine (though I do think it is very likely that, at times, even they are forced to cave into the pressure of whoever I would regard as my enemies because such enemies patrol my world with brutish coerviceness and threat of destruction unless they get their way)). I do not want to increase the degree of suffering any person experiences beyond what is necessary for any of us to attain our authentic goals (and I especially do not mean to increase the suffering of those who I regard more as my allies than as my enemies). Anyway, it should be noted that I (karbytes) prefer to live for as long and as pain-free as possible and am in favor of physician-assisted suicide for painful and seemingly incurable or else long-term medical conditions. I am also basically in favor of de-criminalizing and de-stigmatizing the act of suicide in general so long as it does not involve harming any persons other than the person committing suicide. That is because I think it allowing everyone to live only for as long as they want to ensures that no one is being forced against their will (at least in principle) to be enduring what it deems to be an unworthwhile to itself personally experience (especially if such severe malaise is long term). Someone being forced to carry that much misery from day to day is a burden on the societal system and a threat to public safety because it is effectively a bomb not allowed to be de-activated (or destroyed without exploding) before it explodes and impacts more people than it would if it were not de-activated (or destroyed before exploding). If only those who want to live were inhabiting human civilization, then I think violent crime would decrease significantly because everyone alive would presumably be reasonably happy with the current state of civilization enough to invest in their own futures (which means not intentionally harming themselves nor harming other people). What is dangerous is living with no sense of worthwhile future (and no goals other than default hedonism which all too easily excuses violence and dismissal of ethical convictions needed to make society functional and safe for all of its human members).

* * *

"I wish I had my life back." By that, I mean I wish I was not forced to listen to the sounds of nonstop antagonistic (and seemingly anti-meditation and anti-self-care and generally anti-karbytes) talking against my will (and I have talked about those voices many times in my blog over the past few years and have been hearing those voices since early 2019). It seems that other people know this is happening to me but they pretend not to a certain extent (but some of those people seem to want me to know that they know this is happening but those people also want me to know that they want those things to be happening and are "secretly" getting a sadistic thrill out of it and are hoping to get a chance to see me have a meltdown about it especially in front of them but not never and not merely once and ideally for the majority of what remains of my life iff not my entire remaining life).

I wondered what the effects of being forced to listen to nonstop human talking would be on a human after that human is subject to that experience for several years (and I mean for voices which are not necessarily involuntarily inflicted and which are not necessarily antagonistic-sounding towards the target). I think that human would experience some form of cognitive impairment which lasts for a long time or which is permanent even if those voices stop. 

I imagine that enemies to karbytes strongly prefer that I feel that I am being cognitively impaired (and literally covertly brain damaged) long-term if not permanently by those voices and what I assume is being dealt out by law enforcement in order to punish me for the spoon-throwing incident I committed in September of 2018 which could have caused the victim of that crime serious brain damage if not death. Perhaps the justice system decided it was appropriate to destroy my intellect and/or meditation and study routine so that my brain never gets the chance to become good at the things I value most highly and which I honestly consider to be essential to my sense of self and to my sense that I am living according to my ethical preferences. Being forced against my will to abstain from the practices I do not want to live without is nothing short of horrific and enraging. If I break another ceramic object or hurt myself or some other human, then I would say that the most likely "cause" is me feeling hopeless about the (almost entirely covert) torture, maiming, and punishent stopping before "too much" of my life span is ruined to the extent I consider it not wortwhile for me to have lived (which is what I assume my tormentors want: for me to be forced to live in what I honestly feel are hellish circumstances and hellish for the reason that those cicrumstances are unqiuely designed to undermine what gives me a sense of life purpose and life satisfaction).

I have described those voices as sounding like the impersonation videos I made of a caricature I named pig_gorl, but those voices do not just sound like one person or just female. Some of those voices sound like they could be coming from either a male or a female because they are soft yet audible and hum-like interspersed with psuedo-giggling and nonstop words which sound dismissive and deliberately opposed to karbytes enjoying and experiencing its own uninterupted thoughts). Whether those voices come across as male or female to me, it does seem likely to me that those voices were produced by the same person or by a man and woman couple who are practically in a cult of having to sound and talk almost exactly the same (i.e. use the same words and same intonation patterns).

The only thing that gives me a modicum of "hope" about this situation (and, by "hope", I mean the subjective assement that my life has not been too devoid of satisfaction for me to say that I prefer to have been dead or in a coma instead of consciously present for it while being tortured and seemingly intentionally sabotaged and intentionally ostracized, intentionally bullied, and intentionally ignored by the human population at large) is having documented, published, and archived digital files which represent (and literally constitute) empirical evidence that I have had experiences which most other humans (including the most affluent, the most educated, and the most socially influential humans) would say is a caliber of experience that is as high-level as it has ever gotten thus far for any human. That is because, a major part of what makes the karbytes brand (and personal identity and personal life experience) what it is (and or what it is "supposed to" be (by (karbytes') intentional design and calibration) according to karbytes) what it is is karbytes experiencing the "highest" forms of human experience thus far (within the context of the entire human species existence up until this moment in time (which is approximately 9:43AM Pacific Standard Time on 20_JANUARY_2025)).

As I write this note I hear my asshole neighbors making snide remarks about me not being a good little torture victim who gets surveiled more intensively than everyone else and who is treated as being less deserving of nice things than seemingly everyone else (including convicted murderers, rapists, and committers of seriously damaging acts of violence). Then again, that does not seem too unusual given that the only country which I currently have citizenship with (i.e. the United States of America) condones jailing the founder of the Silk Road (i.e. a now defunct dark web based drug marketplace) for many years on par with what a committer of heinous violent acts would be sentenced to even though what Silk Road Guy was convicted for is arguably heroism and in service to every person's civil liberties (including the right to partake in drug usage as a self-sovereign and self-owning adult human).

I think a lot of people believe I need to be censored out of existence and forcibly crippled for the same reason those people prefer that Silk Road be taken off the web and its founder be left to rot in prison for years at a time (if not for decades at a time (if not for the remainder of his life)).

Well, perhaps the "rehabilitation" ('merican style) is "working" to make me appear more subdued, sullen, weak, ignorant, and lacking in self-sovereignty and self-ownership. Perhaps I have been assigned to a guardian and was never informed of that fact (for my own "benefit" and/or to prevent me from feeling "too empowered" by being informed about such). Perhaps 'merica is not ready to address climate change, psychedelics, stem cell cloning, cryogenics, cultured meat, sustainable energy, and other issues which are deemed to be irrelevant or oppositional to the 'merican mainstream and/or right wing (in favor of keeping most of its citizens fixated on guns, violence, crime, sex, and (mostly preventable) health problems). Perhaps the "rehabilitation" is only working to make me better at hiding my true thoughts and intentions from the attention-deficit and cognitively-unskilled masses (so that I can slip past them mostly undetected and unsuspected of greatness which is seemingly implicitly forbidden to manifest amongst the common folk). I have said in recent journal entries (as recently as this month) that I think I benefit more from entertaining conspiracy theories which sound like delusions of grandeur and the elevation of karbytes above almost if not every other person in terms of being elite, informed, and empowered metaphysically. Otherwise, I would not have been allowed to get as far as I have on all my karbytes-related endeavors thus far (and that includes obtaining legal (and affordable) access to psychedelics for personal use which do not seem to be legal or convenient to access in any other region outside of the San Franciso Bay Area or the United States of America).

I do not mean to blow things out of proportion to an absurdist extent (especially in ways which seem to dismiss what I find pleasurable or worthwhile about my life even while adversity is present). I bet my enemies (which I sometimes refer to as XYZ or as pig_gorl or as specific individuals I accuse of (or suspect is) committing malice against me) want me to freak out over the thought that my life has been rendered not worth me living as a result of human-caused and/or human-intended adversity (especially in the form of gang stalking, scapegoating, ostracization, theft, vandalism, violence, and psychological torture) and end up long-term incarcerated or crippled as a result of me freaking out in a dramatic and "out of control" way. I imagine my enemies do little other with their days and nights than wait for me to fall apart so that they can rejoice in my demise (and rub that fact in my face to the fullest extent they can while I apparently have no means to escape). Such enemies seem to get away with making bullying and stalking me their job and the general public (or at least what seems to be the region I inhabit) seems to side with the bully against me (which means that I "secretly" think most of the people around me are enablers of evil to a greater extent than I am throughout all time). Anyway, what I meant by the first sentence of the last paragraph of this note is that I assess my life as not necessarily being more pleasurable for me than it is painful for me, but instead, that my life has enough of the right kinds of stuff in it for me to say that my life is not being stripped away of what makes it worthwhile for me to live. That's not to say that I do not think changes could be made to my life such that my sense that my life is worthwhile for me to keep living would increase dramatically. Instead, what I am saying is that I have at least a bare minimum degree of "okay-ness" about my life for me to not be actively suicidal (or actively homicidal or actively premeditating doing someone other than myself serious harm). Without that minimum degree of "okay-ness" judged by me to exist about my existence, I would almost certainly attempt to cleanly commit suicide (and ideally leave a final note online informing the world of my suicide even at the risk of karbytes content getting censored off the World Wide Web the way some people's Reddit posts and comments have been purged from the Reddit platform after committing suicide in protest of the United States military occupation in other countries). (This is clearly a "hot button" issue because the neighbors are sparring with me using leaf blowers despite there being no leaves and them only doing it at times I seem to be gaining "too much" traction on my "overly intellectual" or "overly self aggrandizing" activities (which leads me to suggest that my enemies are against anyone being better than them at so-called elite interests)). If and when I commit suicide, I intend to do it by jumping from a tall cliff and not hitting anyone on my way down (and I might even try to make it look like an accident and hence leave no official suicide note beforehand (in order to increase the chances that karbytes stays online even after I die from that act of suicide)). I made the karbytes web empire so vast (in terms of number of files and monolithic volume of apparently non-sexy content) that I doubt anyone except for those with a criminally large amount of free time and free thought would be able to mentally piece together for themselves some of the most controversial things I have said thus far via that blog. Hence, I think it is somewhat likely that, if I never again mention suicide in this blog (or anywhere else) before committing suicide in the aforementioned manner at least one year from now that almost no one would know that my falling from a cliff was not an accident and that I laid out some of its premeditation details in this (multi-website yet fully hyperlinked together into a single cohesive entity) blog. The key is to obscure oneself beneath sufficiently many layers of "encryption" so that the pigs focus on the superficial layers while being too distracted by the superficial or the sensantionalist to pay attention to more nuanced, dry, and cognitive-resource-intensive structures which lie "hidden in plain sight". Perhaps I am in the midst of fabricating an ever more elaborate disguise in which to hide my innermost thoughts, feelings, and goals so that the pigs think I am no longer a threat to their ego and hence stop going after me in order to beat me down because they see me as appearing to be too "high up" in terms of standard of living or in terms of social status (within the hierarchical (and patriarchal) "caste system"). If I succeed at that, then I get to have my way by becoming a "Trojan horse" to transport karbytes through the world in order to carry out karbytes' agenda with minimal impedence.