/**
 * file: karbytes_cares_about_karbytes_almost_exclusively.txt
 * type: plain-text
 * date: 11_NOVEMBER_2023
 * author: karbytes
 * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN 
 */

There has been something on my mind for quite some time (especially during the past two weeks): the suspicion I have that I am being bullied by other people because they think I deserve to suffer as punishment for an act of domestic violence I committed on 10_SEPTEMBER_2018 and was apparently not issued sufficient time in jail for. After the incident I was handcuffed by the police officers who showed up at the scene and I was taken straight to the local general hospital where one of my hands was handcuffed to a bed and I was left to be observed by a police officer who was sitting in the chair next to the bed asking me questions. After about an hour of that, I was taken to John George Psychiatric Pavilion and stayed there for approximately three days. Then I was taken from there to Santa Rita County Prison (while wearing the blue "crazy person" pajama-like attire which the hospital had me change into upon being admitted). Then I stayed at Santa Rita County Jail for approximately two weeks before being released. Within two months of being released I got hired at a job I applied for as a fast food service worker at some Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers located inside of a gasoline station, but quit due to getting an infected foot and not enjoying the job enough for me to want to continue it. On 13_FEBRUARY_2019 while I was working as a baker's assistant at a Panera Bread restaurant in Fremont, California, I suddenly started hearing what I generally have referred to as "thought police" talking to me wirelessly and without any apparent hardware and, at the same time, apparently decoding my thoughts and sensory experiences "in real time" in a multi-way exchange which I have referred to in this blog as "technological telepathy" and attempted to describe and to gather more information about (but I have not found much and not very many people seem to be interested nor knowledgeable whenever I attempted to broach the subject with them (and people have generally been terse with me and hostile without telling me why (which is probably part of the punishment: deliberately being made to feel deprived of information and, also, deprived of respect and even what I would consider to be unconditional human rights))).

Apparently I have not shown nor felt enough remorse for the violent crime I committed. My reasoning is that I committed that act of violence thinking it would be the easiest and most likely to succeed way for me to be rescued from what I thought was an abusive living situation in which I felt like a hostage of the person I threw a spoon at the back of the head of. I have today come to the conclusion that, if I did not throw the spoon at that person and, instead, simply retreated into my bedroom or else stormed off to the nearby horse pasture, I still would not have felt a sense that I had a way out of what felt to me at the time to be an intolerable amount of humiliation at having no place to go other than wear the victim of my crime lived and all I had wanted for most of my life at that point was to be able to simply live on my own and not have to feel so oppressed and stalked and demoralized by that person. Then again, if I could retain all the knowledge I have now but somehow be sent "back in time" to 09_SEPTEMBER_2018 to "try again", I would be in a much better position to avoid getting into any violent confrontation because I would conclude that I would have to spend almost all of my time outside of the house I grew up at while looking for a job like what I currently have and do my best to be self reliant, self contained, stoic, and solitary. I would attempt to rebuild Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com and some other linked companion website (whose domain name is also WordPress dot Com) which is similar to Karbytes For Life Blog dot WordPress dot Com but documenting an alternative history than the history Karbytes For Life Blog dot WordPress dot Com attempts to document.

Perhaps some people think my punishment should include not being allowed to graduate past a certain level in terms of the academic subjects I am interested in and/or in terms of the kinds of career options I am interested in so that I am forced against my will to feel deprived of the opportunity to attain a better standard of living or even what is considered to be a minimally enjoyable standard of living. In other words, I suspect that some people think that I should be forced to suffer long term either for a finite sentence, an infinite sentence, or conditionally (i.e. until specific conditions are present such as me feeling and/or expressing requisite self loathing, shame, and a sense of personal loss).

The person I threw a spoon at the back of the head of was my own biological mother. I did that during an argument we were having which I hardly remember the details of other than me, prior to throwing the spoon, throwing a ceramic bowl at the tiles near a fireplace and then seeing my mother video record the wreckage with glee and me assuming she was trying to dig up and share evidence that I am not fit to have a life outside of her oversight.

Apparently, many (if not) most of the humans around me think I deserve to be severely psychologically tortured and otherwise bullied. Those people seem to know at some level that what they are doing (i.e. taunting me when I am trying to focus on my studies or meditation) is almost guaranteed to result in me having some kind of overt physical outburst. It seems that those people (many of them civilians) never tire of playing that "game" with me over and over again. They do not seem to seriously worry that I will physically assault them (or perhaps they are secretly hoping I do resort to becoming physically violent or, more likely, vandalizing their property so that they have a ready excuse to jump into beating the shit out of me like they have been itching to do for weeks if not months if not years).

I can almost imagine what their moral calculus internal dialogs are like: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. An eye for an eye makes the world blind, but you're just a spoiled little white girl we never enjoyed sharing a planet with and we cannot stand to see you genuinely smile nor feel good. Hence, we have no problem keeping you on lock-down so we have someone to torture and feel superior to. I love how you started so high and you are now forced by us to be so low and powerless. It makes us poor people of little power feel mighty in comparison to you. It feels like divine justice against the white man. You are a symbol of loyalty and subservience to white power, elitism, and ablism. Hence we love seeing you go down in flames because it feels like a victory for social justice warriors like us; people who greatly outnumber you and who are ordained by our religion to inherit the Earth while you perish in the flames beneath us while we cackle in ecstasy and pride."

I do not want to append this note to karbytes_11_november_2023.txt. Instead I'll save this note as a new plain-text file named karbytes_cares_about_karbytes_almost_exclusively.txt.

The reason I chose that name for this note is that it hints at what my moral calculus internal dialog is like: "I believe that the purpose of weapons and law enforcement and jail is to prevent further damages from occurring; not to increase the net damages in the universe. In other words, I do not think that someone who gouges out my eye should have one or both of their eyes gauged out because taking one of their eyes does not give me back my lost eye. All it does is make my assailant suffer what I am suffering as a result of my assailant's actions. If it were up to me, I would have my assailant pay for as much of my medical fees as that person can afford and/or serve no more than five years in prison (because I think it is unnecessary to keep most people incarcerated for longer term unless they are severely mentally ill and are hence not safe to live outside the confines of some institution which prevents that mentally ill person from harming itself or others). Getting revenge does not appeal to me but it seems to appeal to most other people. I think that is because I have a more autistic brain than do most humans. In some ways I am more of a ruthless killer but I would not say that I am even half as vengeful as a neurotypical based on how I have observed them to behave. For example, I almost always see ten times as many pro-revenge comments on social media items than I do comments which are not about wishing suffering on someone."

According to those "morally superior" neurotypicals, I am untrustworthy, evil, unfeeling, fake, insecure, and doomed to fail at whatever I try to succeed at other than conforming to some lame martyr of a caricature for them to look down on and sneer condescendingly at from a good safe distance and often from behind the steering wheel of a giant SUV gasoline guzzling machine.

According to me I am one of the most evolutionarily advanced human beings to ever emerge in all human history. I also think I am one of the most well educated about existence in general (especially outside the confines of some academic or professional or even governmental institution) because I made a point of spending as much of my time as I can alone rather than in the company of other people and in some outdoor location secluded away from other people (because doing so is the only way I seriously expect to get any serious studying or meditation done).

One last thing: I have a sense of morality (i.e. a set of values which I am consciously aware of having and which guide my actions in a goal-oriented manner such that I always attempt to maximize what I consider to be time well spent while minimizing what I consider to be time not well spent).

Fuck it. I might as well append this note to the bottom of the content which is currently in karbytes_11_november_2023.txt since that note's associated web page is already featured as a social media post on my Twitter dot Com page, my Minds dot Com page, my LinkedIn dot Com page, and my Patreon dot Com page. Then again, it does seem to detract from the optimism and proactivity which is currently in karbytes_11_november_2023.txt. I do not mean to obscure content which I want more of featured on my social media platforms with content which I want to not be featured at all on such platforms. Such platforms are "supposed to" bolster the karbytes brand, not detract from it by making about drama which neurotypicals might think is paramount but which I think is relatively "low brow" and perhaps even detrimental to the development of the karbytes brand and brains behind the brand.

Because I consider this note to be too much of a low-brow tabloid and not enough of a milestone status update in terms of karbytes making progress towards its goals, I decided to publish this note as a new plain-text file named karbytes_cares_about_karbytes_almost_exclusively.txt (instead of appending this note to the botton of the content in karbytes_11_november_2023.txt).

* * *

Perhaps a good summary of what the web page named karbytes_11_november_2023 is about is karbytes promoting environmentally sustainable commute methods and earning money through a job instead of through other means exclusively.

Perhaps a good summary of what the web page named karbytes_cares_about_karbytes_almost_exclusively is how karbytes thinks other people want karbytes to be prevented from earning money through a job and from successfully pursuing other avenues towards personal evolution and personal well-being so that, rather than be allowed to thrive and to survive for a long time, karbytes is prevented by other people from thriving and from living a long time (as punishment for unforgivable actions karbytes has committed, is expected to commit in the future, or for reality not yet meeting conditions which would legally or socially enable karbytes to be spared further punishment by the moral arbitrating people).