/** * file: journal_karbytes_21april2025_p1.txt * type: plain-text * date: 21_APRIL_2025 * author: karbytes * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN */ In all honesty, I feel that I am being pushed towards committing suicide because of what I think I am being subjected to: ongoing and unwanted thought policing (which includes real-time stealth monitoring of my mental and physical activities (possibly through some kind of device which was implanted inside of my body while I was incarcerated at a mental hospital or prison) and real-time auditory and visual qualia interjections into my otherwise natural awareness stream (particularly in the format of "thought completion exercises" where verbal content other than my own verbal thoughts interupt what I would otherwise be mentally saying to myself)). I have attempted to glean more insight into what is actually going on with respect to what I am saying since it became known to me in early 2019 and I have attempted to document this phenomenon in my blog but, so far, I have not been able to gather much information about that phenomenon, and one of my attempts to report the phenomenon to legal authorities landed me in a psychiatric ward for almost two weeks (and I was held there against my will and forced to take psychiatric medications against my will at the insistence of my parents who refused to pick me up from the hospital even when the hospital staff deemed that I was ready to be released from their custody because my parents insisted I be forced to take the medications for a longer period of time to the extent that I showed behavior changes). I am still resentful about how I was left to rot in a psychiatric ward even while I thought (and still think) there was nothing so wrong with my brain that I needed to be incarcerated in a mental hospital and forced to take psychiatric medications against my will. I think that the real reason I was incarcerated in the mental hospital and held there longer than necessary was for political reasons almost entirely; because I was not acting subordinate to "the patriarchy" or to whoever thought I ought to be made subordinate and helplessly dependent on "authority" other than myself. Here is what I learned (and which I think might be useful to other people going through a similar experience): If you feel suicidal or just severely unhappy (with the status quo of society especially), it is best to not tell legal authorities nor people with the power to sabotage you legally, financially, or medically/physiologically. Otherwise, you might get thrown into a psychiatric prison and forced to comply with the hospital staff's dictates lest you be deprived of the right to be self-sovereign long-term (e.g. placed into a conservatorship under some adult's authority while you are basically made into their legal minor even if you are legally an adult). If you get admitted to a mental hospital for any reason, you most likely will not be allowed to leave until you pretend not to be bothered by the way that hospital treats you or how it operates in general and, also, you must act as though only you are "messed up" while no one else in your life or society is in need of reformation. If you want to share your thoughts and feelings with the public (and with your future selves) in a manner which is not likely to land you in a psychiatric ward, I suggest you blog about it anonymously on the Internet (or you can use your real name and real personally identifying details if you doubt that anyone near you or who knows you is going to read your blog posts). I think that people near me and who know me have been reading my blog posts but, in order to prevent me from feeling empowered by knowing that people other than myself are reading my blog, such readers are trying not to make it known to me that they have read my blog posts. * * * To elaborate on what I said earlier in this note, what has been pushing me to become legitimately suicidal is the psychotronic harassment I already mentioned in this note performing what seem to be "though completion exercises" designed to censor my actual thoughts and curtail my creative insights. I suspect that law enforcement is to blame for such thought censorship imposed on my nervous system (and I suspect that many if not most people would side against me in this manner due to the fact that I have a criminal history resulting from the fact that I have been legally convicted of committing acts of physical violence and vandalism (and seemingly most people would prefer to torture and restrict the freedoms of what those people think are dangerous individuals)). Little by little, I have been taking steps towards finalizing my blog in preparation for some future event in which I become incarcerated, incapacitated, or dead. I want to be careful to not make my disappearance look like suicidal because, if my disappearance looks like suicide, my content mike get removed from the World Wide Web (and that's what happened to Reddit posts made by a United States soldier who set himself on fire (and subsequently died) in protest of the United State's participation in violence against civilians in the Middle East). Why would I be suicidal over my thoughts being censored? I have taken a lot of pride in my ability to generate original artistic and intellectual content and consider such originality to be a core part of what gives me self-esteem (and self-esteem has been one of the main values of the karbytes brand which I have considered removing from that list of values several times already due to the fact that my ability to have as much self-esteem as I want (and for the reasons I want) seems to be under siege in a war I seem to be on the losing end of). As of 6:00PM Pacific Standard Time on 21_APRIL_2025, there are six values which are officially part of the karbytes brand and enumerated by the following two web pages: primary_values_web_page: https://karbytesforlifeblog.wordpress.com/karbytes_primary_values/ secondary_values_web_page: https://karbytesforlifeblog.wordpress.com/karbytes_10_september_2024/ I am strongly considering removing self-esteem from that list of values and possibly adding a new value to the secondary values hierarchical list. I also thought of removing freedom from the list of primary values given that I think free-will is almost entirely (if not entirely) illusory. I also have considered removing innovation from the list of primary values due to the fact that, in order for innovation to be "necessary" or "worthwhile", there must be some kind of existing unsolved problem for me to be attempting to solve in an innovative manner (and it could be that there eventually comes to an end of all unsolved problems or an end to my attempting to solve what I think are existing unsolved problems due to the fact that I think that attempting to solve such problems are what I deem to be a waste of my resources or because I think such problems are fundamentally unsolvable). * * * The voices I have been hearing via the aforementioned psychotronic harassment seem to be trying to discourage me from being so self-centered, egotistical, and needy for my own sense of accomplishment. What those voices seem to be condoning I do instead is stop trying to extend my life beyond what is considered to be a normal lifespan, stop trying to be healthier, smarter, and accomplished than what is considered to be average, and take greater interest in the experiences and achievements of human beings other than myself. I feel pressured to "move out of the way" and let other people get more recognition for their accomplishments and experiences than what I get and to spend the remainder of my lifespan being used as a servant or even scapegoat by people deemed by the sources of those voices to be more worthy of material investment, praise, and even in being remembered. It might be that my legacy gets buried beneath the legacies of people other than myself or even replaced by the legacies of people other than myself. That is painful for me to come to terms with given that I poured so much care and investment into the formation and bolstering of karbytes on the World Wide Web. Then again, given that truth is the one value in my list of values which seems to not move from being the highest-priority value, I am obliged to contend with the possibility that my legacy will eventually be erased and it might even get censored before it has a chance to be discovered by many people other than myself. So, given what I said in the previous paragraph, some people might argue that I should give up on curating karbytes and, instead, abandon the enterprise while I allow people other than myself to take precedence while I do little other than survive in the shadows while not calling attention to myself any more than what is necessary for society's benefit (which means that it might even be appropriate for me to suffer and die in the shadows such that my suffering and death does not take up any space in the media other than some tiny obituary in some local newspaper or some nameless statistic in census data). I do not want to stop cultivating karbytes to be as grand as possible, but in order for me to not commit suicide or be forced to remain alive in circumstances I think are not worth me having to endure, I might be coerced "against my will" into retreating into obscurity and making karbytes look like an abandoned artifact on the Internet. Hence, this might be the last note I make on the public World Wide Web using my legal name or the karbytes identifier. If that is the case, goodbye. * * * (While karbytes exists, karbytes wants to maximize the degree to which it treats any and all entities with respect and karbytes wants to minimize the degree to which it feels animosity or resentment towards any and all entities).