/** * file: karbytes_10_december_2023.txt * type: plain-text * date: 10_DECEMBER_2023 * author: karbytes * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN */ After not doing weed for three consecutive days, I noticed a significant increase in my short-term memory capacity and also in my ability to mentally concentrate on a particular topic of interest instead of that focus being diluted and more easily distracted by off-topic subject matter. Cannabis is still useful to me for pain relief and creative, relaxing activities such as making colored pencil drawings, but I think I have finally outgrown the stage in which I practically abused the substance by using it excessively often. Approximately three days ago I went to the shroomery in Oakland to buy an eighth (of an ounce (and the term "eighth" colloquially refers to an amount of drugs which is approximately 3.5 grams)) of dried penis envy mushrooms and immediately consumed what I call a "microdose" of that "eighth". That was enough to get some of my pesky lingering self righteous indignation thoughts processed. (I figure that taking one of such "microdoses" per every three to seven days is an ideal protocol for me personally). Today while bicycling to Warm Springs BART station after clocking out of work at approximately noon, I was enjoying how easy today's work shift was for me and how small physical objects (which I immediately interpreted as helpful clues which other humans may or may not have intentionally left on the ground specifically for me in particular to see and to make sense of) were appearing along my path. While at work I felt a stronger sense of enjoying the presence of other people and ones who are becoming recurring characters in my formerly socially isolated life. I still rarely talk to people because I think I am a bit socially awkward and stressful to interact with face to face (because I feel very hyper sensitive and intense and have a penchant for dwelling on serious, morbid, and oftentimes stressful subject matter which is not exactly conducive to keeping the mood upbeat, light, and in the flow of things). I think in a few weeks I will be completely done feeling and acting like an ego-wounded "special snowflake" and act more like I belong and am in my element and not any more or less valuable than any other employee at my level within the company. There does not seem to be any real interpersonal conflicts between me and other people at my workplace. Today I was pleasantly surprised to see how nice and easy and well adjusted going about my life has been. As I turned left at the intersection near the McDonald's restaurant and Tesla factory at the entrance to the 880 freeway, I noticed how the aesthetics of that modern-looking McDonald's restaurant looks similarly minimalist and "user friendly" as the DXC5 Amazon warehouse I work at. That part of Fremont seems coldly futuristic in a manner which intrigues me. I got a bit overheated while peddling uphill towards the freeway entrance. I stopped to take off my jackets and put them inside of my backpack. Then I suddenly decided then and there would be a good time to take a hit from my DMT vape pen (which I have had for approximately three weeks). I took a moderately large hit and held my breath for a moderately long time (because I didn't want to do "too much" for that particular occasion). I felt a slight body load and noticed what appeared to be a slight increase in the number of frames per second my visual field was rendering. I also noticed pig_gorl become more adamant in her speaking as though she wanted me to feel smothered by her weighted blanket of caustic and dysphoric noise. I felt and looked like a cool action figure moving gracefully on my bicycle amidst a backdrop of many cars moving around me and beneath the freeway overpass I was bicycling across. I was thinking something like, "This is my life. My job is to observe and ride on moving objects." For about an hour after than hit I felt a bit of quiet euphoria and sense of becoming more energetically streamlined rather than frivolous and neurotic in my use of energy. A part of me which resembles pig_gorl to some extent seems to be dying while a less megalomaniacal and less insecure version of me is taking up the space in my being where that restless, finicky, babyish, and fragile cunt used to reside. I am happy to be alive and I am very happy with the life I have. In approximately one month I will turn 34 years old. One of the main reasons (if not the main) reason I feel this good (despite being very hard-working, busy, and exposed to uncomfortable situations daily) is knowing that I established the most important aspects of my personal websites (especially the website named Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com). I still intend to keep adding new pages to those websites but I think I have published and made sufficiently many backup copies of the digital files which constitute the subject matter and structure of those websites to say that, if I die within 24 hours, I have established a personal legacy which I am genuinely proud of and which I think will be valuable to human civilization whether or not I am part of human civilization 24 hours after I publish this note. * * * pig_gorl: "You don't have to talk tall anymore." karbytes: "I know. I know I can only do what physics forces me to do." karbytes: "You mean you don't believe in free will?" karbytes: "No. When push comes to shove, I am a hard determinist (which means that I do not believe free will is anything other than an illusory break in deterministic chains of causality)." pig_gorl: "Are you saying I have no self control?" karbytes: "Yes. I am saying that you choose neither your thoughts nor your perceptions nor your actions. Instead, I posit that all of your thoughts, perceptions, and behaviors are entirely predetermined by the entire universe you inhabit and not by some partition of that universe which is smaller than that universe (though I acknowledge that my statements could be factually incorrect)." pig_gorl: "You have nothing to do." karbytes: "Nature seems to always be doing things through objects with mass which are spatially finite and which interact with each other gravitationally, electromagnetically, and perhaps via quantum entanglement of subatomic particles. Hence, as long as you or I are manifest pieces of matter interacting with other pieces of matter, we are always being made to do things (including breathing or decaying after not breathing for a sufficiently long time (though I question whether or not you are a breathing organism instead of some robot which appears from my end to be a misery mongering and banal minded young woman hiding in some radio control tower))." pig_gorl: "Are you done?" karbytes: "Done with what?" pig_gorl: "Grow up and stop being so self focused." karbytes: "From my end that does not seem physically possible." pig_gorl: "You're going to get spammed with microwave beams which give you a debilitating headache if you don't shut up." karbytes: "Go right ahead. I have yet to be seriously incapacitated by your torture methods. I doubt you will be successful at censoring my brain activity to the extent that I am unable to complete my thoughts. My thoughts do not ever seem to stop even while you barrage me with caustic noises so vigorously and often. My brain seems to have adapted by expanding its informational throughput capacity." pig_gorl: "Bullshit. You're only allowed to be depressed and moronic." karbytes: "That sounds like your limitation; not mine." (A loud explosion and black out occurs which causes pig_gorl and karbytes to at least temporarily vanish while a seemingly ubiquitous void comprised entirely of noumena (i.e. absolutely zero phenomena) completely fills the attention span which observed karbytes and pig_gorl having a bickering session before that blackout occurred). * * * karbytes: "When you said to pig_gorl that you are hard determinist and hence do not believe that free will exists, what scientific evidence do you have to support your claim?" karbytes: "The only example I think is necessary to prove (not with 100% certainty but close enough) that free will is illusory is the Benjamin Libet neuroscience experiment which revealed that the brain activity involved in a specific and apparently voluntary motor function such as moving one's right hand is detectable before the person who appears to be in control of that hand is aware of its intention to move its own hand. What that means is that desire is not consciously chosen (but, according to historical notions of free will, desire is the cause of all voluntary behavior (in the context of an information processing agent attempting to manifest some goal state which that information processing has a sufficiently strong desire for manifesting))." karbytes: "Well, hypothetically speaking, nothing is impossible (including spontaneous breaks in causal chains)." karbytes: "I can think of at least one exception to your hypothetical claim that anything is possible. The best example I can think of is the logical statement that two plus two equals four and not any other number. If universes are fundamentally mathematical (and our universe appears to uphold the physical equivalent of algebraic truths via the apparent law of conservation of matter and energy), then some phenomena are not physically possible fundamentally because such hypothetical phenomena are logical contradictions to that universe-wide algebraic order. Then again, if there is a multiverse which literally contains every imaginable universe no matter how logically absurd a particular universe seems from our vantage (as inhabitants of what seems to be an extremely logical and machine-like universe), then perhaps there are universes (including the one(s) we appear to live inside of) in which there are spontaneous breaks in deterministic causal chains which make free will feasible. Based on my current knowledge, the universe we (or at least I) currently inhabit is entirely deterministic with no room for spontaneous disruptions to cause-and-effect chronologies."