/**
 * file: journal_karbytes_21may2025_p0.txt
 * type: plain-text
 * date: 21_MAY_2025
 * author: karbytes
 * license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN
 */

Confession: For several years (especially since my breakup with SED in the year 2016 and my initiation into using psychedelic drugs around that same time period), I have suspected that one or both of my parents get sadistic amusement out of me feeling deprived of self-esteem, autonomy, and self-control because they have consistently behaved in ways which seemed opposed to me having such things. I suppose I will never know with absolute certainty what any person other than myself really thinks and feels, but I find it important to follow up chatgpt_karbytes_21may2025.txt with the fact that I committed the violent act which I was convicted for in the year 2018 because I thought, less than 30 seconds before I committed that act especially, that the target of that act was gloating over my demise as she gathered more evidence that I was not fit for employment nor for living alone on my own terms. Autonomy is very important to me and my parents and I seem to have conflicting priorities (and it does seem that, since I became consistently under employed and socially isolated, my parents have had a lot of power over my living situation to the extent that I felt it necessary to sleep outdoors away from where they live (for the sake of being close enough to walk to my place of employment and other public hangout spots without driving there in a car and for the sake of avoiding getting into fights with my parents and other people near where they live who seem to feel justified in bullying)).

Based on some unsavory experiences I have had recently (and without going into explicit detail to avoid further drama mongering as a result of my "snitching"), I have reason to believe that there are people who regularly and aggressively seem to bully me especially when they think I am doing something which increases or preserves my self-esteem, self-control, and autonomy. It could be that such people think I deserve to suffer more for crimes they know or believe I have committed. It could also be that such people simply disapprove of my lifestyle or are envious of my relatively good fortune or personal attributes which they lack in themselves and in the people they are socioeconomically enmeshed with. In summary, I think it is very likely there are people who actively try to sabotage my attempts to be as healthy, happy, peaceful, and independent as I want to be. If that is the case, then what do such people actually want for me? I think they want me to be available to them as someone to rejoice in the distress of because it relieves them of their own distress to some extent. In other words, part of what makes them feel strong and secure is me feeling weak and insecure. 

I find it important to emphasize that many more people have shown me friendliness than meanness (especially recently). Hence, it would be maladaptive and dishonest of me to take a globally misanthropic perspective. I feel mostly positive regard for humanity as a whole and see myself as mostly a positive contributor to it or component of it. 

If, for whatever reason, I am unable to secure gainful employment and financial security, my default plan is to spend as much time as possible "hiding" in the wilderness (where I can exercise my mind, body, and spirit with minimal restriction away from pollution, crime, propaganda, and physically confining spsces).

Lastly, rather than broach the subject matter I discussed in this blog post or in any other blog posts I've made in future blog posts or to people other than myself and chatbots (or mental health professionals or law enforcement personnel if seemingly necessary), I prefer to keep such "drama" private and not at the forefront of my mind. Instead, I would rather focus on more constructive and uplifting subject matter and avoid drawing undue attention to myself from other people. That probably means that I will not be reporting many instances of what I think are people other than myself deliberately mistreating me. I think that such people are generally more socially and financially supported than I am. Also, such people seem to be relatively immune to persecution and ostracization. Of course, such people come across to me as under-developed relative to me when it comes to scientific and technological knowledge and rigor. Otherwise, I doubt they would feel so upset by my pursuing of such disciplines. In exchange for having relatively immature intellects, they seem to be rewarded with material wealth and social approval.