First performed at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane, October 31st, 1759.
SCENE, LONDON.
Oh, are you satisfied at last, Mr. Lovel, I always told you, that there is not a worse set of servants in the parish of St. James's than in your kitchen.
'Tis with some difficulty I believe it now, Mr. Freeman; though, I must own, my expenses often make me stare.— Philip, I am sure— is an honest fellow; and I will swear for my blacks— If there is a rogue among my folks, it is that surly dog Tom.
You are mistaken in every one. Philip is an hypocritical rascal; Tom has a good deal of surly honesty about him; and for your blacks, they are as bad as your whites.
Pray tell me; is not your Robert acquainted with my people? Perhaps he may give a little light into the thing.
To tell you the truth, Mr. Lovel, your servants are so abandoned, that I have forbid him your house. However, if you have a mind to ask him any question, he shall be forthcoming.
Let us have him.
You shall: But it is an hundred to one if you get any thing out of him; for though he is a
very honest fellow,
This letter. It is an anonymous one, and so ought not to be regarded; but it has something honest in it, and put me upon satisfying my curiosity—Read it.
I should know something of this hand— To
Peregrine Lovel, Esq— Please your honour,I take the liberty to acquaint your honour, that you
are— sadly cheated by your servants—Your honour will find it as I say—I am not willing to be
known; whereof, if I am, it may bring one into trouble. So no more from your honour's Servant
to command.
—Odd and honest! Well—and now what are the steps you intend to take?
My plan is this—I gave it out that I was going to my house in Devonshire; and yesterday set out with my servant in great form, and lay at Basingstoke—
Well?
I ordered the fellow to make the best of his way down into the country, and told him that I would follow him; instead of that. I turned back, and am just come to town.—
How will you get in?
When I am properly habited, you shall get me introduced to Philip as one of your tenants sons, who wants to be made a good servant of.
They will certainly discover you.
Never fear; I'll be so countryfied, that you shall not know me. As they are thoroughly persuaded I am many miles off, they'll be more easily imposed on. Ten to one but they begin to celebrate my departure with a drinking bout, if they are what you describe them-
Here is Robert.
You ordered me to wait on you, sir.
I did, Robert.—Robert—
Sir—
Come here. You know, Robert, I have a good opinion of your integrity.
I have always endeavoured that your honour should.
Pray, have not you some acquaintance among Mr. Lovel's people?
A little, please your honour.
How do they behave?—We have nobody but friends—you may speak out.
Ay, Robert, speak out.
I hope your honours will not insist on my saying any thing in an affair of this kind.
Oh, but we do insist—If you know any thing—
Sir, I am but a servant myself; and it would not become me to speak ill of a brother-servant.
Psha! this is false honesty—speak out.
Don't oblige me, good Sir. Consider, Sir, a servant's bread depends upon his carackter.
But if a servant uses me ill—
Alas, Sir! what is one man's poison is another man's meat.
You see how they trim for one another.
Service, Sir, is no inheritance.—A servant that is not approved in one place, may give satisfaction in another. Every body must live, your honour.
I like your heartiness as well as your caution; but in my case, it is necessary that I should know the truth.
The truth, Sir, is not to be spoken at all times: it may bring one into trouble, whereof if—
"Whereof if"
Sir.
Do you know any thing of this letter?
Letter, your honour?
Yes, letter.
I have seen the hand before.
I ask you if you were concerned in writing this letter? You never told me a lie yet, and I expect the truth from you now
Pray, your honour, don't ask me.
Did you write it?—Answer me.
I cannot deny it.
What induced you to do it?
I will tell the truth. I have seen such waste and extravagance, and riot and drunkenness, in your kitchen, Sir, that as my master's friend, I could not help discovering it to you.
Go on.
I am sorry to say it to your honour, but your honour is not only imposed on, but laughed at by all your servants especially by Philip, who is — a very bad man.
Philip.? An ungrateful dog! — well?
I could not presume to speak to your honour; and therefore I resolved, though but a poor scribe, to write your honour a letter.
Robert, I am greatly indebted to you—Here—
On any other account than this, I should be proud to receive your honour's bounty; but now
I beg to be excused.
I will, your honour.
Well sir, are you convinced now?
Convinced? Yes; and I'll be among the scoundrels before night. You or Robert must contrive some way or other to get me introduced to Philip as one of your cottagers boys out of Essex.
Jemmy; and I am come
to be a gentleman's servant—and will do my best, and hope to get a good carackter.
But what will you do if you find them rascals?
Discover myself, and blow them all to the devil. Come along.—
What wretches are ordinary servants, that go hon in the same vulgar track every day! eating, working, and sleeping, —But we, who have the honor to serve the nobility, are of another speeches. We are above the common forms—have servants to wait upon us, and hare as lazy and luxurious as our masters. Ha! my dear Sir Harry.
How have you done these thousand years?
My lord duke! your grace's most obedient servant.
Well, baronet, where have you been?
At Doncaster my lord. We have had devilish fine sport.
And a good appearance, I hear. The devil take it, I should have been there; but our hold duchess died, and we were hobliged to keep ouse, for the decency of the thing.
I picked up fifteen pieces.
Psha! a trifle!
The viscount's people, have been demnibly taken in this meeting.
Credit me, baronet, they knew nothing of the turf.
I assure you, my lord, they lost every match; for Crab was beat hollow, Careless threw his rider, and Miss Slammerkin had the distemper.
Ha, ha, ha! I'm glad on't. Taste this snuff, sir Harry:
Rappee?
Right Strasburg I assure you; and of my own importing.
No! no!
'Tis, I assure you!
O No!
O, upon my honour.
Oh! oh!
The fact is, the city people practice so much adultery that I always import my own snuff—I wish my lord would do the same; but he is so nindolent—When did you see the girls? I saw lady Bab this morning; but, 'fore Gad, whether it be love or reading, she looked as pale as a penitent.
I have just had this card from Lovel's people.—
I have the same hinvitation.—Their master it seems is gone to his borough.
You'll be with us, my lord?—Philip's a blood.
A buck of the first head. I'll tell you a secret,—he's going to be married.
To whom?
To Kitty.
No!
Yes, he is; and I intend to be before him there.
Then we may depend upon your grace for certain ha, ha, ha!
If our ouse breaks up in a tolderable time, I'll be with you.—Ave you hanything for us?
Yes a little bit of poetry.—I must be at the club myself till eight.
Heigh-ho! I am quite out of spirits—I had a demned debauch last night, baronet.
I adwise your grace to take a wapour bath─ or get shampoodled
—Lord Francis, Bob the Bishop, and I, tipt off four bottles of Burgundy a piece.—Ha! there are two fine girls coming!—Faith—Lady Bab—aye, and Lady Charlotte.
We'll not join them.
O yes—Bab is a fine wench, notwithstanding her complexion; though I should be glad she
would keep her teeth cleaner.—Your English women are demned
Aye, the world says you are to have her.
I own I did keep her company; but we are off, my lord.
How so?
Between you and me, she has a plaguy thick pair of legs.
Oh! dem it! that's insufferable.
Besides, she's a fool, and missed her opportunity with the old countess.
I am afraid baronet, you love money. Rot it! I never save a shilling. Indeed I am sure of a place in the excise. Lady Charlotte is to be of the party to night; how do you manage that?
Why, we do meet at a third place; are very civil, and look queer, and laugh, and abuse one another, and all that.
A-la-mode, ha! Here they are.
Let us retire.
Oh fie, lady Charlotte! you are quite indelicate! I am sorry for your taste!
Well I say it again, I love Cremorne .
O my stars! Why there is nobody there but filthy caniles
Ha, ha, ha!
When did you see the colonel, Lady Bab?
The colonel! I hates the feller. He had the assurance to talk of a creature in Gloucestershire, before my face.
He is a pretty man for all that. Soldiers, you know, have their mistresses everywhere.
I despise him. How goes on your affair with the baronet?
The baronet is a stupid wretch, and I shall have nothing to say to him. You are to be at Lovel's to-night Lady Bab?
Unless I alter my mind. I don't admire visiting these commoners, Lady Charlotte.
Oh, but Mrs Kitty has taste.
She infects it.
The duke is fond of her, and he has judgment.
The duke might shew his judgement much better.
There he is, and the baronet too. Take no notice of them. We'll rally them bye-and-bye.
Dull souls! Let's set up a loud laugh, and leave 'em.
Ay, let us be gone; for the common people do so stare at us;— we shall certainly be mobbed.
Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!
I must I must have a party of raillery with them, a bong mot, or so. Sir Harry you'll exquese me. Ajew!I'll be with you in the evening, if possible—Though, hark ye; there is a bill depending in our ouse, which the ministry makes a pint of our attending; and so, you know, mum! we must mind the stops of the great fiddle. Ajew!
What a coxcomb this is! and the fellow can't read. It was but the other day that he was cow
boy in the country, then was bound prentice to a hair
dresser , got into my lord duke's family, and now sets up for a fine gentleman.
O tempora! O mores!
Sir Harry, pr'ythee what are we to do at Lovell's when we come there?
We shall have the fiddles, I suppose.
The fiddles! I have done with dancing ever since the last fit of the gout. I'll tell you
what, my dear boy, I positively cannot be with them, unless we have a little—
Fie, my lord duke!
Look you, baronet, I insist on it. Who the devil of any fashion can possibly spend an evening without it? — But I shall lose the girls; — how grave you look! ha, ha, ha, Well let there be fiddles.
But, my dear lord, I shall be quite miserable without you.
Well, I won't be particular; I'll do as the rest do. Tol, lol, lol. O, curse the gout.
He had the assurance, last winter, to court a tradesman's daughter in the city, with two thousand pounds to her fortune, and got me to write his love letters. He pretended to be an ensign in a marching regiment; so wheedled the old folks into consent, and would have carried the girl off, but was unluckily prevented by the washerwoman — who happened to be his first cousin.
Mr. Philip your servant.
You are welcome to England, Sir Harry, I hope you received the card, and will do us the honour of your company. My master is gone into Devonshire. We'll have a roaring night
I'll certainly wait on you.
The girls will be with us.
Is this a wedding supper, Phillip?
What do you mean, Sir Harry?
The duke tells me so.
The duke's a fool.
Take care what you say; his grace has science .
I am a pupil of the same academy, and not afraid of him, I assure you. Sir Harry, we'll have a noble batch—I have such wine for you!
I am your man, Phil.
Egad the cellar shall bleed: I have some Burgundy that is fit for an emperor—my master
would have given his ears for some of it t'other day, to treat my lord what d'ye call him
with; but I told him it was all gone! Eh? Charity begins at home eh? Odso, here is Mr.
Freeman, my masters intimate friend; he's a
I am gone.
Remember, Burgundy is the word.
Right—long corks! eh, Phil!
Now for a cast of my office a starch phiz, a canting phrase, and as many lies as necessary hem!
Oh, Philip! how do you do, Philip? You have lost your master, I find.
It is a loss, indeed, sir, so good a gentleman— He must be nearly got into Devonshire by this time. Sir, your servant.
Why in such a hurry, Philip?
I shall leave the house as little as possible, now his honour is away.
You are in the right, Philip.
Servants at such times are too apt to be negligent and extravagant, sir.
True; the master's absence is the time to try a good servant in.
It is so, sir; sir, your servant.
Oh, Mr, Philip! pray stay; you must do me a piece of service.
You command me sir
I look upon you as one of the best behaved, most sensible, completest—
Your honour is pleased to compliment.
There is a tenant of mine in Essex, a very honest man—poor fellow! he has a great number of children and they have sent me one of 'em; a tall gawky boy, to make a servant of; but my folks say, they can do nothing with him.
Let me have him, sir,
In truth he is an unlicked cub.
I will lick him into something. I warrant you, sir. Now my master is absent, I shall have a
good deal
I don't doubt it.
Sir, I have twenty pupils in the parish of St. James's; and for a table or a side-board, or behind a equipage, or in the delivery of a message, or any thing—
What have you for entrance?
I always leave that to gentlemen's generosity.
Here is a guinea—I beg he may be taken care of.
That he shall, I promise you
Thoroughly.
When can I see him, sir?
Now; directly—call at my my house, and take him in your hand.
Sir, I will be with you in a minute—I will but step into the market to let the next tradesmen know they must not trust any of our servants, now they are at board wages—humph!
How happy is Mr. Lovel in so excellent a servant!
Ha; ha, ha! This is one of my master's prudent friends, who dines with him three times a
week, and thinks he is mighty generous in giving me five guineas at Christmas. - Damn all
such sneaking scoundrels, I say.
Somebody knocks—Coachy, go—to the door, coachy!
I'll not go—do you go—you black dog.
Devil shall fetch me, if I go.
Why then let 'em stay. I'll not go damme.
Ay, ay; knock again— knock again.
Master is gone into Devonshire—
So will I— I'll go to sleep too.
You lie, black devil, you shall not go to sleep till I am asleep. I am king of the kitchen.
No, You are not king; but when you are drunk, you are sulky as hell— Here is Cooky coming she is king and queen too.
Somebody has knocked at the door twenty times, and nobody hears—Why, coachman— Kingston—ye drunken bears! why don't one of you go to the door?
You go, cook, you go—
Hang me if I go—
Yes, yes, Cooky, go; Mollsy, Pollsy, go.
Out, you black toad!— It is none of my business, and go I will not.
There is John coachman and Kingston as drunk as two bears.
Ah, ha! my lads, what finished already? These are the very best of servants— Poor fellows; I suppose they have been drinking to their master's good journey—ha, ha!
Yo ho! get to bed, you dogs, and sleep yourselves sober, that you may be able to get drunk again by-and-by. They are as fast as a church—Jemmy.
Anon?
Do you love drinking?
Ees I loves ale.
You dog, you shall swim in Burgundy.
Burgundy! what be that?
Cook, wake those honest gentlemen, and send them to bed
It is impossible to wake them.
I think
Do, Jemmy, wake 'em, Jemmy—ha, ha, ha!
Hollo, Mr. Coachman.
Oh! oh!—what! Zounds! Oh!—damn you.
What, blackey! blackey!
Oh, oh!—what now?—oh! oh!
He, he, he!
Ha, ha, ha!—Well done, Jemmy. Cook, see those gentry to bed.
Marry come up, not I indeed.
She shan't see us to bed—we'll see ourselves to bed.
We got drunk together, and we'll go to bed together.
You see how we live, boy.
Who pays for it?
My master to be sure; who else? ha, ha, ha, He is rich enough, I hope, ha, ha, ha,
Humph!
Each of us must take a part, and sink it in our next weekly bills;—that is the way.
Soh!
What boy is this, Philip?
A boy of Freeman's recommending.
Ees, I be 'squire Freeman's boy.
Freeman is a stingy hound, and you may tell him I say so—He dines here three times a week,
and I never saw the colour of his money yet.
Ha, ha, ha! that is good;
I must step to the tallow-chandler's to dispose of some of my perquisites; and then I'll set about supper.
Well said cook, that is right; the perquisite is the thing, Cook.
Cloe, Cloe! where are you, Cloe?—
I's, misiss.
Take that box, and follow me.
I's, missis—
Oh la! what a fine room is this!—Be this the dining room, pray, sir?
No; our drinking-room.
La! la! what a fine lady here be —this be madam, I suppose?
Where have you been Kitty?
I have been disposing of some of master shirts and other linen, which it is a shame his honour should wear any longer. Mrs Barter is above, and waits to know if you have any commands for her.
I shall dispose of
Who have we here?
A boy of Freeman's; a poor, silly fool.
Thank you
I intend the entertainment this evening as a compliment to you, Kitty.
I am your humble. Mr. Philip.
But I beg I may see none of your airs, or hear any of your French gibberish with the duke.
Don't be jealous, Phil.
I intend, before our marriage, to settle something handsome upon you; and with the five hunderd pounds which I have already saved in this extravagant fellow's family—
A dog!
Peace, blockhead.
I'll tell you what you shall do, Phil.
Aye, what shall I do?
You shall set up a boarding-house , my dear
Yes, for the convenience of your coxcombs.
You know my education was a very genteel one.—I was a half-boarder at Chelsea, and I speak
French like a native. Comment vous porter vous Mounsieur?
Psha, psha!
One is nothing without French—I shall shine in the bar. Do you speak French, boy?
Anan.
Anon O the fool! ha, ha, ha! Come here, do, and let me new-mould you a little. You must be a good boy, and wait upon the gentle folks to-night.
Yes, an't please you, I'll do my best.
His best! O the natural! This is a strange head of hair of thine, boy. It is so coarse, and so carotty.
Ha, ha, ha!
Thus, sir: coach, coach, coach!
Coach, coach, coach!
Admirable! the knave has a good ear.
I ha' gotten two ears.
Now, sir tell me a lie.
O la! I never told a lie in all my life.
Then it is high time you should begin now; what is a servant good for that can't tell a lie?
And stand in it.—Now I'll lecture him
Mind, sir, what excellent rules the book contains— and remember them well—come, Kitty, begin—
Advice to the footman.
He, he, he! Yes, I'll do nothing at all, not I.
Eat the manger! he, he, he!
I won't give you too much at a time Here, boy, take the book, and read it every night and morning before you say your prayers.
Ha, ha, ha! very good; but I wish we could get that snarling cur, Tom, to make one.
What is the matter with him?
I don't know he is a queer son of a—
Oh, I know him; he is one of your sneaking, half bred fellows, that prefers his master's interest to his own.
Here he is.
—And why won't you make one to-night, Tom? Here's cook and coachman, and all of us—
I tell you again, I will not make one.
We shall have something that's good.
And make your master pay for it.
I warrant, now you think yourself mighty honest. Ha, ha, ha!
A little honester than you. I hope, and not brag neither.
Hark you, Mr. Honesty, don't be saucy.
This is worth listening to.
What, madam, you are afraid are you?
Afraid, sirrah! afraid of what.
Aye, sir, afraid of what?
Ay, Sir, afraid of what?
I value none of you. I know your tricks.
What do you know, sirrah?
Ay, what do you know?
Ay, Sir, what do you know?
I know that you two are in fee with every tradesman belonging to the house. And that you Mr Clodpole, are in a fair way to be hanged.
What do you strike the boy for?
I'll strike him again. 'Tis such as you that bring a scandal upon as all.
Come, none of your impudence, Tom.
Egad, madam! The gentry may well complain, when they get such servants as you in their houses. There's your good friend, Mother Barter, the old clothes woman, the greatest thief in town, just now gone out with her apron full of his honour's linen.
Well, Sir, and did you never—ha?
No, never:—I have lived with his honour four years and never took the value of that
The fellow I thought a rogue, is the only honest servant in my house.
Out, you mealy-mouthed cur.
Well, go tell his honour; do. Ha, ha, ha!
I scorn that I won't be an informer! But yet I hope his honour will find you two out one day or other. That's all.
Ah, ma chere Madamseille! Comment vous portez vous?
How do you do, Philip?
Your grace's humble servant.
But, my dear Kitty
Jemmy—
Anan ?
Come along with me, and I'll make you free of the cellar.
Ees, I will; but won't you ask he to drink?
No, no; he will have his share by-and-by. Come along.
Ees.
Indeed I thought your grace an age in coming.
'Pon honour, hour ouse is but this moment hup. You have a demned vile collection of pictures, I hobserve, above stairs, Kitty.—Your 'squire as no taste.
No taste? that's impossible, for he has laid out a vast deal of money.
There is not a horiginal picture in the whole collection; Where could he pick 'em up?
He employs three or four men to buy for him, and he always pays for originals.
Donnez moi votre eau de luce—My 'ead aches confoundedly—
Pardonnez moi for that.
If you ave a boy, I'll be father, 'faith.
My lud duke, fie!
A lapsus lingus—godfather, I mean, 'pon my honor.
I am thinking, my lud, when I had the honour to see you first.
At the play, Madamseille.
Your grace loves a play?
No, it is a dull, hold-fashioned entertainment I ates it; I patronises the Hopera.
Well, give me a good tragedy.
Bravo! bravo! bravo! You are devilish handsome,
Kate—Kiss me.
Oh ho! are you thereabouts, my lord duke? That may do very well by-and-by
Stand off, you are a commoner. Nothing under nobility approaches Kitty.
You are so devilish proud of your nobility. Now I think, we have more true nobility than you. Let me tell you Sir, a knight of the shire —
Why, any fool may be born to a title, but only a wise man can make himself honourable.
Well said, Sir Harry, that is good morillity.
I hope you make some difference between hereditary honours and the huzzeys of a
mob.
Very smart, my lord.—Now, Sir Harry—
If you make use of your hereditary honour to screen you from debt.
Zounds, Sir, what do you mean by that?
Hold, hold! I shall have some fine old noble blood spilt here—Have done, Sir Harry—
Not I; why, he is always valuing himself upon his upper house.
We have dignity.
What becomes of your dignity, if we refuse the supplies?
Peace, peace! Here's Lady Bab.
Dear Lady Bab!
Mrs Kitty, your servant!How do you do?— My lord duke your servant and Sir Harry too—your's
Your leddyship's devoted.
I am afraid I have truspassed in point of time
Yes, I found her leddyship at her studies this morning. Some wicked poem—
O you wretch!—I never read but one book.
What is your ladyship so fond of?
Shikspur. Did you never read Shikspur?
I never heard of it.
Shikspur! Shikspur! Who wrote it? No, I never read Shikspur.
Then you have an immense pleasure to come.
Shikspur! Who wrote it?
Who wrote it? Why, Ben Jonson.
O, I remember, it was Kolly Kibber!
Well then, I'll read it over one afternoon or other. Here's lady Charlotte.
Oh, Mrs. Kitty, I thought I never should have reached your house. Such a fit of the cholic
seized me. Oh, lady Bab,
Oh, ma'am!—
And Sir Harry! Your servant, Sir Harry.
You must give me leave to doubt the sincerity of that sorrow, sir. Remember the
park.
I want none of your explanifications, sir.
Dear lady Charlotte!
No, sir; I have observed your coldness of late, and despises you. A trumpery baronet!
I see how it is; nothing will satisfy you but nobility— That sly dog the Marquis—
None of your reflections, sir; The Marquis is a person of honour, and above enquiring after a lady's fortune, as you meanly did.
I— I— madam? I scorn such a thing.I only asked what wages you had. I assure you
madam—I never—that is to say—egad, I am confounded— My lord
Ask her to shew her thick legs ha, ha, ha!
Here, my little peer, here is wine that will ennoble your blood. Both your ladyship's most humble servant.
Both your ladyships' most humble servant.
Why, Philip, you have made the boy drunk.
I have made him free of the cellar—ha, ha, ha!
Ees, I be free, I be very free.
He has had a smack of every sort of wine, from humble Port to imperial Tokay.
Ees, I have been drinking Kokay.
Go, get you some sleep child, that you may wait on his lordship by-and-by.
Thank you mum—
Well, ladies, what say you to a dance, and then to supper. Come here—Where are all our people?
With submission, the country dances by-and-by.
Ay, ay, French dances before supper, and country dances after. I beg the duke and Mrs. Kitty may give us a minuet.
Dear lady Charlotte, consider my poor gout. Sir Harry will oblige us.
Exquese me!
O, a minuet, a minuet!
Play Marshal Thingumbob's minuet.
Mrs. Kitty dances sweetly.
And my lord duke delightfully.
Well enough for a duke!
Come now to supper—a gentleman and a lady.
Here is claret, burgundy, and champagne, and a bottle of tokay for the ladies. There are tickets on every bottle. If any gentleman chooses port.
Port!—Tis only fit for a dram.
Lady Bab, what shall I send you? Lady Charlotte, pray be free; the more free, the more
welcome, as they say in my country. The gentlemen will be so good as to take care of
themselves.
Now, Mrs. Kitty here's a very fine fowl. Shall I send you a walker or a flyer?
Why, my lord duke, your wit's on the wing.
Yes, Sir Harry, and your's seems to have walked off—ha, ha, ha! But come, Lady Charlotte, "Hob or Nob."?
Done—my lord;in Burgundy, if you please.
Here's
"you and I and nobody by!"
Come, ladies and gentlemen, a bumper all round. I have a toast for you— "Here's to the amendment of our masters and mistresses."
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
No, no, let us have a song but first—preludio
See how the black devils kiss.
Now, Mrs Kitty, will you honour Sir Arry's muse?
A song a song; ay ay, Sir Harry's song; Sir Harry's song.
I've left the song in my at in the all; but I'll fetch it if the ladies will exqueeze me.
Oh, certainly, Sir Harry.
My lord—I beg parding, but we is so use the hadress the use of Lords, that I—hem!—Ladies
and gentlemen, and
Bravo, bravo!
Sir Harry, I have the pleasure of informing you, that your absence has given his grace an opportunity of eloquently proposing, and the company the pleasure of drinking your jolly good health.
Mr. Philip, Mrs. Kitty, Lady Bab, Lady Charlotte, and the rest of the nobs and gentry
present, I do not possess the noble duke’s horticultural powers of auricular oratory; I have
not, like the illustrious duke, | received a classified hedication; but still unable as I is
to exasperate my sense of the obligation you have done yourselves—that is, myself—in drinking
your health —that is, my health. Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking—as Shakespeare says
in his translation of Paradise Lost, “proper queer marrowbones umbie,” which, for the benefit
of our fair friends, may be translated, “you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Now
them’s my sentiments, and to hact up to them sentiments shall ever be my highest
perspiration. Before I sits down on my seat, I begs to propoge a toast and sentimental
sentiment: "May the tar wot has lost one leg in the service of his country, never live to see
the want of tobacco with the other.
Bravo! bravo!
Now, Mrs. Kitty.
I am really hoarse; but Lady Bab will sing for me.
Hem; This is a new song, entitled and called, "The Fellow Servant; or, All in a Livery."
Bravo, bravo!
Now, Mrs. Kitty, will you allow me to recommend a glass of ho-de-wee, just to correct the assiduity of the stomach?
If your grace pleases.
How do you like the song, my lord duke?
It is a demned vile composition.
How so?
O very low ! very low indeed!
Can you make a better?
I hope so. I couldn't make a worser.
That is very conceited.
What is conceited, you scoundrel?
Scoundrel? You are a rascal.—I'll pull you by the nose.
Look ye, friend, don't give yourself airs, and make a disturbance among the ladies. If you are a gentleman, behave as sich; name your weapons.
Weapons? What you will— pistols.
Done!—Behind Chalk Farm.
Done!— With seconds.
Done.
Loaded!
With powder!
Done.
And ball!
Damme, do you want to murder me?
Oh, for shame, gentlemen! My lord duke—Sir Harry,—the ladies! fie!
Who can it possibly be?
Kingston, run up stairs and peep.
It sounds like my master's rap. Pray heaven it is not he!
It is master and Mr. Freeman.
The devil! What can have brought him back?
No matter what, away with the things.
Away with the wine, away with the plate. Here, Coachman, Cook. Cloe, Kingston, bear a hand.
Out with the candles. Away, away.
What shall we do? What shall we do?
Run up stairs, ladies.
No, no, no! He'll see you then.
What the devil had I to do here!
Let's face it out.
Oh no; these West Indians are very fiery.
I would not have him see any one of you for the world.
Philip! Where's Philip?
Oh the devil! he's certainly coming down stairs. Sir Harry, run down into the cellar. My lord duke, get into the pantry. Away away!
No, no; do you put their ladyships into the pantry, and I'll take his grace into the coal-hole.
Anywhere, anywhere; up the chimney, if you will.
There,—in with you.
Philip., Philip!
Coming sir.
Yes here is one.
Egad, this is black Monday with us. Sit down. Seem to read your book. Here he is as drunk as a piper.
He is very drunk indeed
Ay, ay, they have been well employed, I dare say ha, ha, ha!
Come sit down Freeman. Lie you there (Lays his pistols down on table, L.) I come a
little unexpectedly; perhaps Philip.
A good servant is never afraid of being caught sir.
I have some accounts that I must settle—
Accounts, sir! To night?
Yes to night; I find myself perfectly clear. You shall see I'll settle them in a twinkling.
Your honour will go into the parlour?
No, I'll settle 'em all here.
Your honour must not sit here.
Why not?
You will certainly take cold, sir; the room has not been washed above an hour.
What a cursed, lie that is!
You have just nicked them in the very minute.
I find I have— Mum (aside to Freeman). Get some wine, Philip
In the pantry? Lard, your honour! we are at board-wages.
I could eat a morsel of cold meat,
You shall have it. Here
If I may be believed sir, there is not a scrap of any thing in the world in the pantry.
Well then, we must be contented Freeman. Let us have a crust of bread and a bottle of wine
We are undone; undone
Oh, that is the dukes damned rappee.
Didn't you hear a noise Charles?
Somebody sneezed, I thought.
Lack-a-day sir, it was only the cat. They sometimes sneeze for all the world like a Christian. Here, Jack, Jack, He has got a cold sir, puss, puss.
A cold! then I'll cure him Here, Jack, Jack; puss, puss.
Your honour won't be rash. Pray, your honour don't—
Stand off! Here, Freeman here's a barrel for business with a brace of slugs, and well primed as you see; Freeman I'll hold you five to four, nay, I'll hold you two to one, I hit the cat through the key hole of that pantry door.
Try, try; but I think it impossible.
I am a good marksman—a dead shot.
They are particular friends of mine Sir; servants to some nobleman in the neighbourhood.
I told you there were thieves in the house.
Ha, ha, ha!
I assure your honour they have been entertained at our own expense, upon my word.
Yes, indeed your honour, if it was the last word I had to speak.
Take up that bottle.
I, Sir, treat with wine!
O yes, "from humble Port to imperial Tokay" too. "Ees, I loves Kokay"
How!—Jemmy, my master!
Jemmy! The devil!
Your honour is at present in liquor; but in the morning, when your honour is recovered, I will set all to rights again.
Sir, I have not the honour to be known to you, but I have the honour to serve His Grace the Duke of—
And the impudence familiarly to assume his title. Your grace will give me leave to tell
you, that is the door.
Fellers!—Vulgar commoners!
Downright Hottenpots.
I hope your honour will not take away our bread.
"Five hundred pounds will set you up in a chocolate house— you'll shine in the bar, madam. I have been an eye witness of your roguery, extravagance, and ingratitude.
Oh, sir— good sir!
You madam, may stay here till tomorrow morning — and there madam, is the book you lent me, which I beg you'll read "night and morning before you say your prayers."
I am ruined and undone.
But you Sir, for your villany, and (what I hate worse) your hypocrisy, shall not stay a minute longer in the house; and here comes an honest man to shew you the way out. Your keys, sir.
Tom, I respect and value you. You are an honest servant and shall never want encouragement.
Be so good, Tom as to see that gentleman out of my house
I thank your honour; but I would not rise on the ruin of a fellow servant.
No remonstrance Tom, it shall be as I say.
What a cursed fool have I been.
You have made Tom very happy.
And I intend to make your Robert so, too. Every honest servant should be made happy; and if persons of rank would truly act up to their station it would be impossible that their servants could ape them; — but when they descend to what is ridiculous, it will be in the power of any low creature to follow their example.