First performed at the Royal Strand Theatre, March 24th, 1859.
Time. One hour.
Costumes. The present day.
It's useless your denying it, Mr. Bobbins! I saw you do it–I saw you do it with my own eyes, sir!
My dear Constantia !–before the servants!
Leave the room this instant, Rebecca! Leave the room, I say! You'll quit my service this day month.
Certainly, ma'am! certainly! with all my heart!
Rebecca!–just one word!
Here's that tiresome Mr. Fastman again.
Well, have you anything to tell me? When is she coming home?
Lor, sir! why should you want to know? Missus has come home–she came home this morning.
No! you don't say so! Where is she?
Where is she?–why, where should she be? In the next room, at breakfast with her husband, to be sure.
The deuce she is! Don't talk so loud.
Why not? I'm not ashamed of what I'm saying.
Come home at last, then. Ah!
Beautiful?–that depends upon opinion; for my part, I don't like tall women.
I admire tall women. It seems to me an age since she has been away.
It may seem so to you, sir, but it hasn't to me, I promise you. I'm sure I wish she had stayed away ten times as long–for the first thing she has done on her return has been to give me warning.
Give you warning! What for?
Ah! what for, indeed?–you must ask her that. She is jealous of that husband of hers. She surprised him, just now, at breakfast, making eyes at me. How could I help it?
Oh, fie, Rebecca? What! do you encourage your master in that sort of thing?
I encourage him, indeed?–well I'm sure! –with a twelvemonth's character from my last place.
I beg your pardon–well I am sorry you are going to leave–you are such a nice obliging young woman, and I was going to ask you if you could'nt manage to–to give this letter.
To my master!
No, not exactly that, Rebecca, to your mistress.
Indeed, sir! I shall do nothing of the sort, you had better give it her yourself.
But I should never have the face, I tell you. There is something about Mrs. Bobbins that keeps me so completely at a distance, something so modest, so correct and proper– come, now, you are not going to be illnatured, see here's a queen's head for it.
Sir, I'm ashamed of you, I'll have nothing to do with it!
Only give her the letter, and I'll help you to a place.
No, will you though?
Yes, I know of a place that will suit you exactly, without your going out of the house. Mrs. Duval on the second floor here is in want of just such a pretty, clever girl as you are, to help her in her fancy work.
Why how did you come to know her, sir?
How did I come to know her? why, my sisters buy their wools of her, she embroiders my shirt fronts, marks my
No, Augustus! no, Mr. Bobbins, I say she shall not remain.
Nay, but Constantia !
Silence, sir, I won't hear a word.
Why there's your mistress at high words with Mr. Bobbins.
That's nothing new, sir.
I must beat a retreat!
Yes, Augustus! yes Mr. Bobbins, I repeat it, she shall not remain any longer!
But, my dear, this conduct of yours is downright oriental despotism; of all the tyrannies, there are none like the domestic.
She shall go this very day! It's most abominable! I'll pay her wages and send her about her business!
Oh, very well, ma'am, just as you please about that! I'm sure I dont want to stay–a month's warning, or a month's wages!
Oh, you are there, are you! Bold faced young woman, take your wages.
Sixteen and eightpence, all right, ma'am, and as for my place that is no great loss I'm sure! I can easily get a better! I have only to choose.
Another victim to your implacable jealousy, Constantia.
Jealous of you! ha, ha, ha! Really Augustus, you have a good opinion of yourself.
Jealous of me, yes to be sure, why not? You know you are; we can't keep a servant in the place for it; we have been married scarcely three years, and this is the nineteenth you have discharged.
Well, sir, and whose fault is that? A man without the slightest sense of common propriety! or what is due to his own dignity as a master of a family!
Go on, my dear, go on !
My first husband never treated me so!
Comparisons are odious, Mrs. Bobbins. That first husband of yours was a very remarkable fellow.
You needn't think to pass it off so, sir; if this is your behaviour before my face, I tremble to think what your conduct may have been behind my back, during my absence.
Now, Constantia! my dear! Do I everlastingly torment you with inquiries into your conduct during my absence? Here have you been scouring the country to Salisbury alone, after a legacy, which, for anything I can discover, appears to be all a bam, and do I annoy you on your return with ridiculous jealous fits? On the contrary, don't I promote and fall into all your little plans and amusements?
Amusement! Do you think it's any amusement to me to be worried out of my life with lawyers, and business I don't understand? There's a fresh difficulty now about a cousin abroad. If you were like other husbands, you would never suffer a young and pretty wife, more than twenty years your junior, to travel about alone.
Oh, my dear, I have a thorough confidence in you –there's a rigidity of propriety about your deportment, that will always act as an efficient safeguard in the hour of danger.
Don't make too sure of that. Don't provoke me by your indifference to retaliate!–I should soon find an opportunity–
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
You should have seen the assiduous–the delicate attentions I received in the train, all the way between the Bishopstoke station and town, from an elegant, foreign looking gentleman–such a pair of moustachios!
Oh, oh! really now, Constantia
But you know I'm the most devoted––the most affectionate wife in the world, and have no thoughts but of you, and our dear little boy––and so you abuse the rectitude of my principles–
The little cherub!
That reminds me that you wrote me word, that the Highgate air has quite set the darling up again, and that old nurse, Jones, was to bring him home to–day.
Yes, Bobby is coming home to–day.
The little pet! He is my only joy–my only hope.
Yes, yes– a remarkably fine little chap–and extremely like his papa! Ahem! can more be said–
By the by, how inconvenient his coming back will be just now, that we are without a servant.
You had better let Rebecca stay.
Augustus! Mr. Bobbins! What again! You exasperate me! No, sir, she shall not stay another day, if I have to run over half London to find her substitute.
Very well, my dear. You are fond of exercise.
This is too much to put up with!–past all bearing! I'll be even with you for this, depend upon it. No, no, you needn't think to gain your ends, Mr. Bobbins–I'll go round to all the tradespeople this very minute.
What a singular woman Constantia is when she once takes an idea into her head. No human argument now would ever persuade her that I am not violently smitten with her own maid. Ridiculous notion! ha, ha! and the best of the joke is for reasons of a strictly private nature, I rather encourage the idea–commit myself with Rebecca! No, no–I look a little higher than that! The interesting object of my secret intentions, is in no way beneath me–quite the reverse– she is above me by a flight of stairs. It is really quite distressing, to think so charming a woman as Mrs. Duval, should be obliged to occupy a two pair back; but then, how tastefully she sets off her room! Clever creature! she can turn her hand to anything–Berlin wool, potichomania, crotchet, embroidery– By the way, I begin to suspect that name of hers, Duval, is only assumed she doesn't look to me at all like a French woman–and the only approach to anything in the shape of a husband I have been able to discover, is this morning gown, which I found one morning over a chair back in her room, and which, in a moment of pecuniary pressure, I induced her to sell me for about four times its value. It shows the fall in my back to some advantage, but it's an uncommonly tight fit, although I have had it let out twice since I bought it. I wonder how she came by it? No matter–I'm convinced I have no rival–she is evidently pleased with my attentions, and if it hadn't been for Mrs. Bobbins's ill–timed return from the country, I should–
Ah, Mr. Bobbins! Good morning.
Good morning to you, my dear Mrs. Duval. This is an honour! Dare I venture to hope your visit is to me?
To you the idea! Hardly.
And why not, Mrs. Duval? Why may I not judge of your feelings by my own?–for as the needle is attracted by the pole–
Oh, dear me! Ha, ha, ha! really, Mr. Bobbins, you'll be a gallant as long as you live. I am sorry to interrupt your ecstacies, but pray can I speak a word to Mrs. Bobbins?
To my wife?
Yes–I understand she has come home?
Alas! yes.
Alas? Why, you ought to be delighted!
Envy her! Mrs. Duval!
I do, indeed, with all my heart.
Dear Mrs. Duval! Oh, these words–this tender confession!
Why, Mr. Bobbins, are you taking leave of your senses? If you wish me to remain in this room, sir, you must restrain yourself within proper bounds.
Bounds, madam! There are no bounds to the emotions of the heart.
Oh, my dear sir, do compose yourself–I beg of you. You are too poetical, you are, indeed.
Tell me–only tell me did you receive those two pots of Tom Thumb geraniums–I know your beautiful passion for flowers.
Yes, I thank you–but I can't possibly think of accepting them–in short, I must forbid all further nonsense of the kind. I give you fair warning, that if you persist in it any longer, I shall tell Mrs. Bobbins, I shall, indeed, and be compelled to leave my lodgings.
Oh, don't be so cruel! Don't say that!
Not that I have any great affection for them either, for if it hadn't been for poor Br–
For "poor" who, madam? You excite my curiosity. I trust there is no gentleman in the case?
Yes, but there is, though but I entreat you to ask no questions.
No scoundrel has dared to neglect–to abandon you? Ah, if you would but accept of the consolation of a discreet friend, and if any little assistance of a different kind–
You mistake my meaning, sir, altogether. Assistance! no, sir, I am able to earn quite sufficient for my support, and to afford myself some comforts besides–indeed, the object of this visit, was to inquire of Mrs. Bobbins, Rebecca's character, as I am informed she is about to leave her service.
Ullo! master and Mrs. Duval !
Rebecca's character! The devil! that will never do––she'll be telling her a pack of lies.
Pray, may I ask why?
Oh, she's an idle, gossipping, impertinent young hussy, and burns no end of coals.
That's how you speak of me behind my back, is it?
And then, ma'am, her conduct in another respect, to a lady of your extreme propriety, I am quite sure would be highly objectionable. She encourages a great many followers, and with one young man in particular, an articled clerk––she has–
It isn't true–I haven't–don't believe him, ma'am.
Confound it! Has she overheard me?
Don't believe a word he says, ma'am. It's all through him that I've lost my place.
Silence, Rebecca! Go and fetch my hat, I'm going out.
And as to the young lawyer, if I were the gossip he says I am, I could tell a different story.
Silence, I say, Rebecca! Did you hear me tell you to go and fetch my hat and coat ?
Well, I'm going for your hat and coat.
So, sir, I perceive you are a general admirer of the sex.
My dear Mrs. Duval, you surely wouldn't pay any attention to the aspersions of a discharged servant maid. You'll excuse my taking off my morning gown.
Go and take away a poor servant's character like that–I've a good mind–
Rebecca!
Never mind, Rebecca, I have seen enough of you to think that you will suit me, so I shall take you all the same. When can you come?
Thank you, ma'am–thank you! When you like, ma'am–now, directly.
No, not till to–morrow–not till you have given Mrs. Bobbins proper notice.
Yes, ma'am–thank you, ma'am.
Silence, Rebecca! If any one should call while I am out, tell them to wait –I shan't be long. I have the honour to wish you a good morning, Mrs Duval.
Good morning, sir.
Yes, ma'am.
When shall I hear from my poor Vandyke?
Oh, that wicked old master of mine!
There's nobody here! Come, that's lucky–her sur– prise will be the greater. I've been watching at the corner of the street for the last half hour, and contrived to slip in as the door was ajar, while the servant stepped over the way. My heart beats like one of the drums I left behind me, at the thought of meeting my wife again after the best part of a twelvemonth's chequered absence in the Crimea–driven from my native land and the cultivation of the classic style of art, by the detestable envy of the Royal Academicians, the cupidity of the butcher, and the rapacity of the baker. A pretty life I had of it in the
Who is this?
Good morning, young woman. You are not a bad-looking girl.
He is mighty familiar. Might I ask how you got in? I didn't hear any one knock.
No, the door was ajar–not that it would have made any difference if it had been shut; you see I've a latch key.
A latch key!
Yes, I took it away with me by mistake in one of my pockets. Go and tell your mistress, a gentleman with dark hair wishes to speak with her.
You'll excuse me, sir, but your hair isn't dark.
Never mind the colour of my hair–do as I tell you– I want to surprise her.
Missus is not at home, sir.
Very well–as your mistress is not at home, you can get me some breakfast; I feel rather sharp set.
Breakfast, sir?
Van. Yes, don't you understand me? B–r–e–a–k, break, f–a–s–t, fast, breakfast–the girl's silly.
But won't you be pleased to tell me–
What I should like to have? Oh, any–thing–I'm not particular; a steak or a chop.
No, sir, I mean who you are.
Who I am? True, you don't know me. My name is–
No matter for my name–I rather fancy your mistress will know me when she sees me. I only hope it won't be too much for her.
Oh, he must be some relation. Master said if any one called, they were to wait.
Come, look alive–be quick.
He's an extraordinary looking fellow! What a beard he has got! I hardly know what to do, as they are neither of them at home; but I suppose there will be no harm in giving him some breakfast.
Come, I say young woman, are you going to move? You are not aware that I haven't tasted anything to–day.
It will be ready directly, sir.
That girl wouldn't make a bad model; but she don't seem very bright. Egad! I have been so long away in the Crimea, that I feel half inclined to make love to every pretty woman I meet. That was an uncommonly fine creature that got into the train at Bishopstoke; rather stiff though, at first, but before we came to the journey's end I had quite broken the ice with her. By the way, I am afraid I ran away from her rather abruptly this morning–quite forgot to look after her luggage and all that sort of thing. No great wonder either once arrived in London, how could I think of any one but my dear little wife? How I long to see her.
I think, my dear, I have found–
Good gracious–I can't be mistaken! My travelling companion.
The foreign looking gentleman I met in the train–in my husband's dressing gown! Why, he must have followed me home
An agreeable predicament this for a married man–very! My wife may return every minute.
Madam, you'll excuse my being rather laconic, I have no time just now for ceremony–to what am I indebted for the honour of this visit?
I feel quite stupified! what effrontery !
I have no wish to affront you, ma'am, but as I said before, I have no time for ceremony.
Sir, this is monstrous! I took you, by your deportment on the railway, for a gentleman, but I see I was deceived. Your conduct is inconsistent and indelicate in the extreme.
I know what you allude to, ma'am, and I admit I did run away somewhat abruptly; but if you knew my reasons–
I wish to hear nothing further, sir.
Why, she's absolutely taking off her things! Does she think she is going to establish herself in the house, under my wife's nose? I must get rid of her somehow or other.
anywhere else I shall be happy to hear what you have to say–any place you like to appoint–St. James's Park, Kensington Gardens–
Sir, I am of a highly excitable, nervous temperament, and if you don't take care, you'll throw me into hysterics.
Confound it–she's no better than she should be. Oh, I must turn her out.
I tell you what it is, my dear, this won't do, I am a married man.
Well, sir, what if you are that makes your persecution of me the more atrocious!
Zounds! madam, it is you who persecute me! Haven't you followed me like a greyhound follows a hare–tracked me to my very door? Now for goodness sake don't force me to say anything offensive, but will you go, I say–will you make yourself scarce?
This unheard of insolence–
I tell you I have no time for ceremony. Will you go–will you leave my lodgings?
Your lodgings? Good heavens! I hear somebody coming!
It's my wife!–it's my wife, I'll be bound!
Oh, if it should be my husband!
Here, run in here! quick, quick–hide yourself under the bed!
"For my dear wife." Another sop in the pan for missus.
What have you there?
A present for missus.
My wife receive presents in my absence!
What a beauty' all silk! What a lovely dress it will make.
Who can possibly have given her a silk dress ?
What a question! Master, to be sure.
Master! What do you mean?
Why, sir, you know, when they have a quarrel, that's his way of making it up again. He always gives her a present–sometimes one thing, sometimes another.
What–what's that you say?
You are not taken with a swimming in the head, are you, sir?
No, no–tell me what sort of a fellow is he–what's his name?
Lor, sir, I thought you knew him. What, don't you know Mr. Bobbins ?
Bob–Bob–Bob–Bobbins!
I thought you were old friends, sir!
No, I don't know him! He's a friend of my wife's!
Take care, sir, what do you want with it?
Bobbins! eh! Bobbins! Do you hear, young woman! Tell me, at what time does he generally come here?
Come here? Who do you mean, sir?
This Bobbins!
At what time–why, he's here all day.
What? and goes away at night, I suppose?
No he doesn't–what should he go away at night for?
You don't mean to say that he sleeps here?
Yes, but I do though!
Under the same roof! Preposterous! I'll bombard the house! Blow it into the air!
Won't you take your breakfast, sir? it's all getting cold.
Don't talk to me of breakfast! Stay! on second thoughts I don't know! I must keep up my strength! Nourish my revenge! Not eat my breakfast! I'll go into training like a prize fighter! eat raw beef steaks every day for a month, and then come down upon him like the Gladiator!
This is the way to the parlour, sir!
Don't trouble yourself to show me the way to the parlour!
He must be some madman escaped from a lunatic asylum. I don't like being left alone with him in the house–I wish master would come home–oh, here he is!
Has there been a parcel left here since I went out?
Yes, sir, there it is on the table. Were you expecting any one to call this morning, sir?
No, no one–
why, has anybody been?
Yes, sir!
Who? a lady?
No, sir, a gentleman.
What name?
He wouldn't give any name, sir. He came in with a latch key, without knocking.
With a latch key? How do you mean? How did he come by it?
I don't know, sir; he appears to be a very extra-ordinary person, I hardly know what to make of him. He
Some begging imposter, I dare say.
No, sir, I don't think that, he was very well dressed.
That's nothing, he might have been one of the swell mob for anything you know to the contrary–the town swarms with well dressed swindlers now-a-days.
He said he wanted to see mistress.
Well, and how did you get rid of him?
I didn't get rid of him at all, sir; he is in the house now.
Nonsense!
I thought he was some relation or friend of the family–he's taking his breakfast in the parlour.
Taking his breakfast in the parlour! What? alone with the silver spoons!
Good gracious, I never thought of that!
I say, what's your name! Young woman! you haven't put any salt upon the table–do you take me for a cannibal?
Why the fellow has got on my morning gown! Confound his impudence!
Who's this, I wonder? He looks like a tailor; he can't be one of my creditors, scented me out already.
No, no, stay where you are.
Do you hear? Never mind the salt; I'll finish my breakfast by and by.
He's actually sending her out of the way. I'm getting very uneasy.
I am glad to get out of the room. I'll go and see if I can find a policeman.
Don't stand–pray be seated.
You are very kind, sir.
I hope he don't see that I'm afraid of him.
You were observing, I think, that you had called to–to–
I must mind what I'm about. I musn't provoke him.
I believe I understood you to say that you had called to– Sir, will you permit me to ask you one question? I throw myself entirely upon your generosity. Did you–frankly –did you expect to find me here?
No, sir, frankly, I did not– certainly not.
Sir, I thank you; you have removed a weight from my mind. I could scarcely believe otherwise, only just arrived, as I am, from abroad.
Only just arrived from abroad–oh, indeed, sir.
Oh certainly, sir–certainly. Russia, sir, Russia.
All a lie, I suppose.
Very nice people, sir–very nice people.
Indeed, sir.
Sir, I am very happy to have met you. Your conversation betokens great intelligence, and I regret extremely that I have not more time to improve the acquaintance, but unfortunately an unlucky engagement–
Pray don't mention it, sir–pray don't mention it.
Well, sir, you have the advantage of me. To whom have I the honour of speaking?
Before I answer that question, I must know what right you have to ask it.
This is mere evasion, sir. I must request the favour of your name. I have no wish to be personal, but, really, there are so many vagabonds going about now–
Exactly, that's just it; what you say is so perfectly true, that I don't feel safe with you, although I am in my own lodgings.
What do you mean by presuming to call these lodgings yours.
A horrible suspicion!
Who are you, sir? I insist upon knowing your name this instant!
Bobbins, sir, Bobbins!
Ah, you villain!
Why do you insult me like this?
I'm her husband!
What the devil do you mean? Whose husband?
Your victim's! you heavy swell, you–you old rascal!
Good gracious! he can't be alluding to Mrs. Duval! Who can have told him?
The woman you have so basely turned from the paths of virtue!–of that dear being who, next to myself, I loved best in the whole world.
Interesting traveller! respectable individual! believe me, on my honour, there is not one word of truth in all you have been told.
It's false, sir!
Sir, you are transported by rage. Your anger won't allow you to listen to reason.
Rage! anger! I shall suffocate myself! Language falls short–words are too weak–let's come to blows!
Keep your hands to yourself, can't you? Strike me in my own home?
Ah! again! you dare call this your home, you rascally cabinet maker? Do you think, because you have sent in your goods, you have any right to the premises? What do I care for your mahogany? Look here! D–n your mahogany!
Be quiet, I say. Let the furniture alone. You are mad–yes, you are gone out of your senses! Will you hear me?
No, I won't! Mark me! I give you one quarter of an hour–one quarter of an hour to take your things away.
This is beyond all patience! What on earth do you mean?
Mark me! One quarter of an hour!
It now wants exactly fifteen minutes to eleven. If they are not gone as the clock strikes, out they go through the window.
Police! Police!
Oh! you want the whole thing to get into the papers, do you! To be all over the town! Very well, with all my heart! I'm your man!
Please, sir, the nurse has brought home the baby!
The baby!
Hold! Hold!
Stand off, I say I'll destroy it on the spot!
Monster! Rebecca! come and help your master!
Murder! murder!
Stand off, or I shall do you a mischief!
Hold him fast, Rebecca–hold him fast–don't let him go for the love of goodness! Hold him fast while I run over the way with the baby!
Oh, Rebecca–that's your name, isn't it?
Oh, sir, sir, sir! what does all this mean? You'll frighten us all out of our senses !
Oh, Rebecca, did you but know the atrocities that have been going on here!
What atrocities?
What atrocities! They're not fit to be told to a respectable young woman like you. This is the very temple of wickedness. Talk of the horrors of the Reign of Terror, or the Rump Parliament–they're nothing to it.
What horrors, sir?
What horrors? French polished mahogany–a silk dress and a child out at nurse.
But what can master's little boy have to do with you, sir?
Rebecca, he is not his son–he's mine.
Your son?
My son, and yet not my son he is my father, but I am not his son. No, no–I am his son, and he is not. No, no, no! my head dances the polka.
I can't understand him.
What I mean is, I am not his father, but his mother is my wife.
Mrs. Bobbins!
Bobbins! What, does she openly bear his name? Monstrous! The whole history of crime, from the Heathen Mythology down to the Newgate Calendar, has nothing to equal this!
Do you mean to say, then, that she is not his wife?
His wife! no more than you are.
What, they are not married?
Married!
Well, hang me, if I didn't half suspect it! Now it's all out it's all explained. Oh, sir, how I do pity you ! What a shocking bad woman! I never liked her and since she has behaved so wickedly, I think it becomes my duty to tell you all I know.
Yes, tell me everything–what is it?
Courage, sir–are you sure you can bear it?
Out with it!
Well, then, sir, do you know there's another besides Mr. Bobbins.
Another!
Yes, he's always running after her isn't it shameful?–a young lawyer.
What's his name?
Fastman–a very handsome young man. It was only just before you came that he gave me a letter for her.
Where is it? give it to me.
Here it is in my pocket, sir.
Are there any more–half a dozen, I suppose, more or less–
Botheration! There's somebody here!
No, sir, I gave it to her husband!
To Bobbins? No, you can't have played me such a trick!
Don't whisper, Mr. Fastman–I don't want your secrets; I tell you I gave the letter to this gentleman.
What could induce you? Who on earth is he?
Come here, Fastman.
Fastman!
You are a likely looking fellow!
Return me that letter, sir–this instant.
Be quiet, Fastman. Don't kick up a row.
What right have you–
Be quiet, Fastman. I have every right in the world, to pitch you out of that window, if I think proper.
Ah, indeed!
But I waive it–I waive it, on the condition of your becoming the instrument of my revenge. I hereby, in the presence of a witness, invest you with full powers to that end.
I don't understand you!
Fastman, you are in love with the woman to whom, by a civil contract of society, I am united for life.
Yes, it's quite true–he's her husband.
Her husband!
This woman has destroyed every possible link that bound me to her. Hear me curse her, Fastman! I repudiate her!–do you understand me, Fastman?–I repudiate her! Cut him out, Fastman–go in and win!–Cut him out. I request it of you as a favour–you'll be doing me an immense service.
Cut who out.
A perfidious dealer in mahogany! That rascally interloper, Bobbins.
The good for nothing old fellow!
You amaze me! It's incredible!
If he attempt to expostulate–mind, this is your answer –I have the authority of her husband.
But my dear sir, suppose–
Now don't suppose, Fastman–I can't bear it.
Remember that's your answer–I have the authority of her husband.
You shall revenge me!
Cut him out, Fastman!
Spit at him! kick him! pull his nose! while I go into training, in order that I may finish him!
Spifflicate him! pulverise him!
Don't speak.
I never was more astonished in my life!
Why, what a greenhorn I have been all this while!
She must have laughed in her sleeve at me finely.
Oh, oh!
I must go a different way to work with the lady.
I can't bear this any longer.
I am determined to know what it all means!
Yes, my charmer, I am here! Don't be afraid!
What do you mean, sir?
Come, come, don't let there be any more of this prudery. I'm sure you'll give me the preference–you wouldn't make a comparison between a young fellow like me and such an old Guy Fawkes as Bobbins?
How dare you, sir, speak of my husband in this disrespectful manner?
Your husband!
Come, come, that's a little too good, Constantia.
I know all about that.
Constantia! You impertinent young man!
Yes, Constantia–dear Constantia!
I doat upon the very ground you tread upon!
Now you shall listen to me–
What is all this?
Good heavens! my husband!
Ah, Bobbins, old fellow! how are you?
Sir, my astonishment knows no bounds.
My dear Augustus, don't for one moment imagine–
Silence, Constantia!
What's that to you?
Sir!
What's that to you, I say? She is not your wife!
This lady is not my wife?
You know perfectly well she is not– you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
What consummate insolence!
And I think you are a confoundedly brassy old fellow to attempt to take a high tone with me, after all that has come to light.
Do you suffer him to talk to you like this,
Police! It's false! When I married her she was a widow!
Nonsense, sir, nonsense! Her husband, I tell you, is alive. It was from him that I had the whole of these particulars –the lady herself, I think, will scarcely venture to contradict me.
Speak, Constantia–why don't you speak?
I shall swoon away! Give me a little air.
Do you suffer him to talk to you like this without replying? Why don't you speak up, like a woman?
Call Rebecca–I'm going into hysterics!
She changes colour, and makes no denial!
Guilty! guilty!
Unhappy bigamist!
Oh, oh, oh!
Rebecca! Rebecca!
Oh, Mr. Fastman, you see before you a blighted wretch, with his household goods–gods shivered around him.
What's the matter?
Let's take her into her own room, she'll be better there!
Am I awake, or dreaming?
Is this my quiet home, converted into a perfect pandemonium?
Constantia, the virtuous Constantia, the wife of two husbands!
Indelicate position!
Oh, I beg your pardon–I thought I would just mention to Mrs. Bobbins, that I had engaged–
Fly, Mrs. Duval! Leave me– this is no place for you!
Has anything happened? You appear much disturbed.
Fly, ma'am, fly!
Don't aggravate my misfortunes by remaining any longer in this room.
With who?
Only think of the consequences if he should surprise us together!
Who are you talking of?
Haven't you seen him, then? Don't you know he's returned?
How am I to understand who it is you mean?
He is now in the house.
Who–who, I say?
Your husband!
Vandyke!
My dear Vandyke come home– and now in the house–without my having seen him!
I can't believe it.
Goodness only knows.
It's all a riddle to me.
Ah, now I have you!
Is this reality? My dear–dear Vandyke come home to me!
Touch me not–perjured woman!
Vandyke!
Avaunt, I say, abandoned female!
Abandoned!
To what hast thou fallen! Cleopatra and her aspics, Clytemnestra, and the Queen in Hamlet, are all outdone by thee!
Why, Van, you goose, who can have put this nonsense into your head?
That reverend Antony– that old Ægisthus–that miserable Claudius, King of Denmark, there.
Do try and pacify him–he's foaming at the mouth!
Van–Van, I'll never forgive you for this.
Why, where's your head?
Jealous of such an object as that!
There's no accounting for taste. Besides, what do you say to your other cavalier, the youthful Fastman?
What now–the youthful Fastman?
Fastman–who I only just this minute discovered on his knees before my wife!
Ah, you dare to call her so to my face!
Police–police!
Now, my dear Van–how can you imagine that your own little Emily–
Imagine–false woman–imagine!
Ha, ha, ha!
but don't suppose that I mind it.
I've a friend in a corner that will console me.
She loves me to distraction.
She followed me all the way from the Waterloo Station.
I'll run off with her before your eyes.
Come in, madam, come in– there's no occasion to hide yourself any longer.
My wife!
Mrs. Bobbins!
Mrs. Bobbins!
is he
Hush! hush! don't say a word about having met me on the railway before my husband.
So you're his wife!
So much the better!
It's poetical justice!
You have overheard all, I suppose?
Your wife?
My wife–my infamous wife, who I resign in your favour.
Oh! Vandyke, Vandyke! after all my tried affection for you!
Come, madam! come with me!
Let me alone, sir! let me alone! Augustus, come to my assistance! Why do you suffer him to treat me like this?
It's all fair! Exchange is no robbery! He takes my wife–I take his. You see your husband does not object.
Not I!
As she has two husbands already, she may as well take a third.
Clap hands and a bargain–I agree to the chop.
Oh, oh, Augustus! what, desert me after all my forbearance and exemplary conduct? Oh, oh, you cruel man!
Oh, Vandyke! Vandyke!
Oh, come, here they are that's fortunate!
Really, Mrs. Bobbins, I am overwhelmed with confusion!
No, no! you have mistaken your lady–pay your vows here, sir–here sir!
I say fair play to that.
No poaching on my manor.
Be off, both of you!
Go to Bath and get your heads shaved.
I! I told you she was my wife!
Impossible!
Indeed he did, and I should still have thought so if it hadn't been for the landlady of these apartments, who, on hearing the disturbance just now, and Mrs. Bobbins going into hysterics, slipped into the passage, as I was leaving the house to inquire what was the matter, and I had no sooner begun to explain than she burst into fits of laughter, and in a very few words cleared up the mystery.
No chaffing, young man! This is some of your humbug!
Only listen to me for one moment and you'll soon be convinced–the whole truth of the matter is simply this–before
To be sure! of course– now I see it all!
which we have taken since, and this lady has gone up stairs–he has mistaken the floor!
What, do you mean to say that you have moved, then?
I'll explain all that, Vandyke, by and by.
Oh! I see–to avoid the creditors, eh!
My dear Constantia!
My dear little Emily!
My dear, dear Vandyke!
Eh! what Vandyke? Vandyke Brown, brought up an artist? Why, you are my cousin!
More mystery! I've no cousin of the name of Bobbins!
No, I have married again but you had a maiden aunt of the name of Tabby?
I had?
Your aunt is dead, and left you all her property.
Nonsense, you don't say so!
Then I'll give up photography, and return again to the grand style of art!
And now,