First Performed at the Royal Strand Theatre, Under the Management of Mr. Swanborough, Sen., On Monday, the 15th of September, 1862.
Time—During the Reign of Queen Anne.
No, no; I tell you it's too bad, after all you have said.
Now, now, calm yourself, my too susceptible friend.
That's very easy for you to say, you monster of a man, at the end of three months' ardent and secret courtship ! Ah, Sergeant O'Blarney, you are unworthy of my tenderness!
I own my unworthiness, most beautiful of Bridgets.
Call me Mrs. Goosequill, sir, the name of my first, whom I should have lamented longer. Poor Goosequill ! he was a man of the pen—Registrar of the village— what has made me unfaithful to his memory is a weakness I have for the gentlemen of the sword.
Venus had always a mighty hankering for Captain Mars.
And now, after stealing a heart long coveted by all the bachelors of the village
And don't I offer to restore the stolen property as sound as ever ?
And for what reason, you military savage?
I can't tell her I'm going to marry another to-morrow; it would be unbecoming an Irishman
and a soldier.
That is no reason.
Pardon me, I have too much delicacy and sentiment ; however, we shall talk of this matter by-and-bye ; my time's up—my men await me at the foot of the hill, for the evening's round.
But cruel sergeant, you'll come and sup with me this evening, as you promised.
Hum ! why, I'm on duty to-morrow.
I won't let you go, till you say yes.
Superb despot, let it be so.
I shall succeed, perhaps, in making him change his mind.
Well, expect me under the elm,
Don't let any of the neighbours see you.
You may depend upon that—not a soul, shall set eye upon me—adieu!
I'm very unlucky in my attachments ; what consoles me, in this, is, that the sergeant quits
me only for glory. —Well, if he won't marry me, I must look out for another.
Come Fan, look sharp, take my donkey round to the garden gate, my violin, my cloak, and the bag of oats.
Is that you, neighbour Mouldywort ?
Good evening, neighbour Goosequill.
Dear me, what a time it is since I saw you, you quite neglect your friends, now.
What's she up to now? that woman's a regular man trap !
What an active man ! Do you know I was just thinking of you.
I hope your thoughts will always be as agreeably employed.
I was saying to myself, what a pity that Mr.
And this is one ; I've just been giving myself a scrape.
Should be such a general lover.
Because I like to laugh; as a fiddler, it is not forbidden. I like to spy into all the
tricks of women, and the accidents that happen to their ninnies of husbands. Oh, I make my
profit of them.
Oh, you wicked man! That was what frightened me when you offered me your hand; for in truth, I was very much inclined to accept it.
Ah!
That distinguished air.
Ah!
That intelligent eye.
Ah!
And your talent; I have a weakness for music.
She's strong in weaknesses.
Our two houses, looking on each other so tenderly. Why not follow their example, and by a good marriage—
Ah, neighbour, why didn't you say that sooner.
You accept ?
On the contrary, deeply afflicted; I am going to be married the day after to morrow.
You going to be married ! And pray, who would have you ?
You, if you could get me. But I'm going to marry little Fan.
Your servant!
My servant; not at all. She cleans my house, brushes my coats, grooms my donkey—but she's not a servant: and the proof is, I give her no wages. I thought it would humiliate her, poor girl; she was confided to me by an old cousin of mine, who brought her up, and recommended me to find her a good husband. The first time I shaved afterwards I had one in my intelligent eye, as you call it. I popped the question, and the pledge was accepted.
Marry a simpleton like that, without dignity, without experience!
That's what pleases me. I don't like your too experienced women—I know how their husbands
suffer, and I am not envious—I have laughed too much at them to give them a chance of
returning the compliment; with Fan I've nothing to fear—she never goes out—sees nobody—
But she will perhaps know a smart, handsome young fellow from an old and ugly one.
Breakfast with you, neighbour—the devil no, no, it's too dangerous ! what would my future wife say ?
Mr. Mouldywort, everything's ready, the portmanteau is bridled, the donkey is tied on its back.
Ha, ha, ha !
Hi, hi, hi!
Ho, ho, ho!
I don't know, I always laugh when I see——
Perhaps when she sees you depart.
Oh, you're jealous ! She is only happy when I am near her—eh, Fan?
Yes, Mr. Mouldywort.
She's over head and ears in love with me—eh, Fan?
Yes, Mr. Mouldywort.
Isn't that beautiful simplicity ?
Yes, Mr. Mouldywort.
What ?
Do you hear that ?
What a devil of a habit you have of saying yes to everything.
I don't know what to say—I always answer yes, because I wish to be obliging to everybody.
That's a promising disposition —but the girl's a fool.
I like her the better for it; one Solomon in a family's enough.
And you will marry her ?
I swear it by my Cremona!
Then, neighbour, I wish you, what you deserve so well—all sorts of good luck ; and it can't
fail with a wife, the most amiable, the most obliging, and
After you, Mrs.Goosequill.
What!
Do you hear that ?
Ah! I must make O'Blarney marry me within twenty-four hours.
What a sweet temper ! I her husband! not if I know it. I see his fate distinctly, whoever
he is ; no, there's my wife
Heigho!
Ha ! Are you impatient, you little rogue, so am I — so am I, but now I must away to the wedding party. I shall not be back till to-morrow.
Yes, Mr. Mouldywort.
You will be careful. You'll shut up the house.
Yes, Mr. Mouldywort.
And if any one should come—
Yes, Mr. Mouldywort.
Still that infernal yes—it's sauce for every dish with you.
No!
To all comers, to all questions—no, no, and stick to it.
Yes, Mr. Mouldywort.
Not at all—no—
I say yes, I will say no, Mr. Mouldywort.
Take care then, for if you don't, you know my little finger tells me all that passes, when I am not here.
Oh, the horrid wizard !
And if you disobey me, as soon as we're married, I'll—no, I won't—but mind what you are about, it will soon be dark, and I'll make myself scarce, so bolt the door, see no one—think of nothing, and amuse yourself—go in, and perhaps I'll bring you home something nice from the party. Where's my donkey, damme, if he isn't nibbling the fiddle case!
There's a suspicious old wretch for you! although I respect him like a father and mother,
when he comes to talk of being a husband, I hate the very sight of him ! I suppose his little
finger will tell him that too. Here am I always shut up by myself, it's very tiresome! If I
had a dog or a cat, the
Hallo, friend! can you oblige me, by telling me where I am ?
I hear somebody's voice, perhaps Mr. Mouldywort come back to spy me; if he finds me outside there would be a pretty tune! Come along, Dickey, we must lock ourselves in.
Which is the shortest way to——
Go to the devil!
This is a most inhospitable village, whose name I never heard, and can't, for the life of
me remember. In consequence of asking my way at every public-house; I've lost my way,
completely. I have a strong suspicion it's either getting dark, or I'm getting blind drunk;
objects are so indistinct.
Who can be calling like that ?
Somebody has opened a window!
A stranger! I mustn't forget Mr. Mouldywort's instructions.
May I politely ask if this is an inn?
No.
Can I speak to the master of the house ?
No.
A woman's voice ; its all right. Amiable and handsome unknown ! your sweet accents betoken
a generous heart.
A soldier, and blind; what a pity!
Charming creature, such as you see me—or rather such as you don't see me—I am looking for a young man, but that's not the question at present; will you accord me hospitality ?
No.
No ! I'm dying of sheer emptiness—I expect to collapse every minute ! You will at least give me a crust of bread and a mouthful of beer ?
No .
The inhabitants here are well supplied with noes— it's a strong feature in their character. Not even a crust of bread !—that's very hard. Well, I must continue my journey at the risk of falling into a quagmire, and breaking my neck ; my death then will lie at your door.
Poor man! It breaks my heart to turn him away; but the little finger!
Beautiful specimen of inhumanity, must I then depart ?
No .
Eh! you don't wish that I should go ?
No .
What do I hear? here's a change in the
Oh no!
Oh no ! Is your husband in ?
Oh no!
Oh no ! And if I entreated you to open this cruel door, would you refuse ?
No.
It's a kind action, besides, he is blind and won't steal anything.
She comes ! may the devil fly away with me but she comes ! she isn't much of a babbler—she doesn't resemble the sex in general—her conversation's not remarkable for variety.
Oh, here she is—oh, you angel!
No; but in spite of your blindness, you found my hand very soon.
Charitable soul, it was by instinct!
No.
No !
If I had the audacity to kiss them, you would drive me away.
Oh, no.
No !
It's droll! if he could see, I don't believe he could do it any better.
Now, that I have the key to her vocabulary I think we'll get on.
No.
What a windfall!
If the little finger denounces me, Mr. Mouldywort will see that I have only followed his directions.
Then, darling, take my hand ; I can't see.
May the devil exterminate all marriages, dances, and all that concerns them! That brute of
a Sergeant O'Blarney, why couldn't he tell me sooner that the party was not to take place
till to-morrow. I met him when I got half way ; it put me in such a rage. I began to wollop
my donkey homewards, but the confounded beast threw me into a ditch, and has gone
There's some one below— O'Blarney, I dare say.
Eh ?
Is that you, dear ?
Dear—an intrigue—a nocturnal assignation ! oh! here's a discovery!
Why don't you reply ?
Yes—yes—it's I.
Nobody has seen you ?
No.
Supper is ready. I didn't wish to light the lamp, because if anyone saw the light at this hour, he might suspect.
And that would be very unjust.
Above all, it might be seen by that prying, ugly old baboon, Mouldywort.
The prying, ugly old baboon is very much obliged to you.
Wait a moment—I must see if the neighbours on the other side of the garden are asleep;
My dear, take care you don't catch cold! And she wanted to marry me—marry the prying, ugly
old baboon! now I'll show her in her true colours, since she has put my monkey up; but let me
enter—I can watch from my window the arrival of this expected gallant, and to-morrow I will
regale the whole village with the adventure. What a horror ! see a man at this time of night!
Well, things are coming to a pretty crisis ! Fan wouldn't permit herself such——
Open—It's I!
Oh, my gracious, it's himself.
Don't say a word.
It's very odd; she must sleep furiously sound.
No.
I've knocked the skin off my knuckles, thumping here. Come down, quick, and open.
No.
How—no!
Here's the old tune again.
Don't you know me ?
No.
It's me, myself—your beloved husband; come and embrace me!
No.
Oh, you unhappy infant! I'll break open the door and astonish her; let me get this cloak off.
Don't be alarmed, I'm here to protect you.
Oh, I entreat you, whoever you are, get out by the window, for if he finds you here, he will kill me.
Yes, I'll astonish her !
No, no, no ! and I'll stick to it.
Oh, oh! now I remember.
I answer as you told me.
Oh, you little dolt! I meant to others, not to me.
And my blind soldier, if he should break his neck. You must go, sir, the window's not high.
Adieu, then, my charmer !
Now, then, I shall watch from my window the arrival of the gentleman my loving widow expects
Obliged to beat a retreat without blast of trumpet. These confounded husbands always drop
in like a bombshell in a country dance! What a delicious little wife he has ! as well as one
can judge in the dark, when one hasn't the eyes of a cat. It's very odd!—her candour—her
simple answers— had such an effect on me, that I only dared to risk the smallest kiss by way
of a skirmish, when the enemy forced me to decamp. I had just time to slip my silver ring on
her finger, that I may know her, if we should ever chance to meet again, for may I never blow
trumpet more, if her soft voice hasn't scratched my heart, for I feel—
'St ! 'st! 'st!
Who's that chirping there ?
Here I am, my dear.
Another woman! it rains women here.
Everybody's asleep, no one will see you, and supper is ready.
Supper! I said so.
But where are you ?
Here.
Poor fellow, how cold your hand is !
And this warm and soft.
Follow me.
Follow you?
Yes.
We shall sup together ?
Yes.
I mean, alone together ?
Yes?
And you'll permit me to tell you that I love you.
Oh yes.
I hear voices.
Oh yes—this is the drollest village—some always say," No," and some always say, " Yes;" but it appears that it all comes to the same thing.
Yes, I can see their shadows—there they go—there they go.
You may, on the faith of a trumpeter.
And this was last night ?
In a village whose name I don't know any more than the damsel's. The fact is, I was a little how-come-you- so ; but when the princess opened her window
And she always answered—no ?
And stuck to it, till
Oh, you deluding devil! And the disturber—
What's the matter ?
Nothing! nothing! A sudden giddiness in the head.
Take a drop of something, Mrs. Mouldywort.
Now then, Polly, we must be off to church. Hector, allow me to present to you my bride, and in a few minutes my spouse in perpetuity.
Oh! sir.
Ha, ha, ha!
Search for him to-morrow—I can't part with an old comrade met so unexpectedly, and on my wedding-day too; remain and——
You will remain when a lady asks you ?
You'll remain when a brother musician asks you ?
You are very good, Fiddler—how's your head?
We are going to dine here. Then for fun and frolic—hunt the slipper—we shall dance—we shall get drunk.
Get drunk !
Bravo !
We don't know much about her. He's as jealous of her as a Turk; but he little knows the
trick I've played him.
Oh, you wicked little devil!
Now then, fall in—left foot first!
This must be cleared up. Now I recollect, that cursed bird, who never spoke a traitorous
word in his life, never ceased the whole night screaming something about
Mr. O'Blarney is at Greenhill, they say; I must have an explanation with him.
Married to-day. You didn't know, then ?
She never invited me.
That was too bad! Perhaps there was some motive.
Oh, no! we were always on good terms—loved each other dearly—never saw one another.
Oh, then it's an oversight! They are at church. I'll go and tell them.
I can't understand it.
Nor I neither!
What does the old scraper mean?
It is odd that Mr. Mouldywort should send for me— can it be anything about the blind
soldier ?
Have you come to the marriage too ?
I don't think I shall stay, all the riff-raff of the country is here, and a woman who has
any respect for herself ——
And afraid.
It is better not to mention it.
Much better.
Perfectly.
She won't mention it.
There!
Now, Mrs. O'Blarney, for ever and ever !
Wish you joy ! wish you joy!
Is this Fan?
You are angry, cousin. It's not my fault, it was done so quick—my husband only wanted a few—
Yes, yes, I understand—this is he, I suppose.
Excuse me, cousin, but this is not he.
Now then, dinner, boys, dinner!
Come here, my love, and receive the congratulations of—
You are all ——
You know each other ?
No—that is to say —
My susceptible friend, I'll explain to you.
And when I expected you last night.
Oh, he is charming!
Oh!
The woman I told you of, who was dying for me.
Make love to her then.
Well, I may amuse myself as long as I'm here. Majestic cousin,
When they are pretty, like you.
Now, I suppose, they are tearing each other's eyes out.
Oh, oh, oh !
Oh, Mr. Mouldywort!
Mr. Uglywort, respect the sex, or I'll break you and your fiddle into small pieces !
Mind your own business, Mr. Trumpeter!
Well, Mr. Mouldywort, it was I.
You!
Yes, I wanted her to dance at my wedding.
Come!
Dinner will be ready directly! In the meantime, Hector, suppose you tell us the history of your son of eighteen years.
Do, Mr. Trumpeter, and I have one of an inconsolable widow, that'll keep for the dessert; but wouldn't you rather give us the other ?
What other ?
The one you were telling O'Blarney, and of which I heard a few words.
Yes, famous, it will amuse the ladies.
Yes, yes!
I am at the orders of Beauty.
We listen.
Yes, we listen—Beauty listens.
Hem! it's no older than last night, in a village, a few miles from here
Which? Which?
I'll mention no names, because I'm discreet,
Go on!
I was wandering in the dark, seeking some shelter. I caught a glimpse of a woman taking the air at her window—
A woman!
At her window!
At night! She was expecting somebody.
Possibly!
You will laugh when I tell you that to every question I asked, this female phantom answered, " No ! "
No!
Always no.
I soon understood the allegory, and I arranged all my demands, so that all her " Noes" meant yes.
He tells a story like an angel.
Oh, he is a devil of a story-teller !
And so amusing.
In a word we entered the house, it was darker than the outside; I pressed her hand—now seeing that I am a trumpeter, and as timid as a cannon ball, I
Well! well you!
Well I——
I never refuse a woman anything.
How dare you interrupt ?
What's the matter ?
Well! The end, the end.
You are not going to leave off at the best of it ?
You were squeezing her hand!
In her chamber ?
Without a candle ?
Yes, yes.
At last?
At last—she repulsed me.
Hector, that won't do, you told me she did'nt repulse you.
How long will it be, before we hear the end ?
Emboldened by her silence, I gently pressed her lips, put my hands round her waist—I resolved to be more bold, when all at once, I——
Oh !
I awoke.
How?
A dream !
What a pity.
Dinner's ready.
That's right, now for dinner—hands to the ladies.
No one here; he told me to wait—how frightened I am ! Oh, here he comes !
Ah, you're come, then.
Fan
Beware, Mr. Mouldywort
Fear nothing, he is not here.
Don't you be too sure.
It was you, then!
Speak not of it ; I am a scoundrel! To think I was on the point of compromising you, innocence itself; but self-esteem—the desire of raising a laugh, when in truth, I would give my life—when I think of it, I could tear off my moustache, and blow my brains out!
Oh, no, no, I should be so sorry.
You're not of my opinion !
You are not angry with me, then?
No.
You don't bear any malice ?
No.
Still thrusting her " Noes" upon everybody.
I've always been so unhappy—nobody has never addressed a word of real kindness to me, and when I heard your voice, it appeared from the first the voice of a friend, and I came to you without fear.
I never heard her say as much before—a regular sermon.
Yes, Fan, I will be your friend, and will never quit you more.
You don't say so!
But what the devil am I saying ? I must be off this very night.
Ah, you depart—then perhaps you will leave with me, the silver ring you put on my finger last night, and which I returned to you.
There it is.
And he will see it.
But no! I will kill him before I go.
Kill him!
Hallo! Here's Diogenes, in his tub!
You are not her husband ?
I was to be; but after what I've just heard, I've no wish to profane the name of Mouldywort.
Don't put yourself in a passion, Mr. Trumpeter ! Don't give yourself the trouble! You love Fan, Fan loves you—marry her; I wash my hands of her!
Certainly, I shall marry her.
Is it possible ?
He can't—he's married already !
If it was only that; but it's worse—an oath I swore to a dying friend, I would never enlist in the corps of Hymen, in order to consecrate myself to his son whom I adopted.
Ah!
Murder! Murder! Help!
Hold him fast, O'Blarney! Hold him fast! I've interpreted the trumpeter's dream—Miss Fan is the heroine! I give her up to him, and he refuses to marry her !
You infernal box of resin !
Hold him fast, O'Blarney! Hold him fast!
Serve her right! Serve her right!
O'Blarney, don't let him strangle me the smallest bit! She must go to the workhouse—nobody will have anything to do with her; I was only going to marry her out of charity—a little wretch, with neither a father nor a mother— who has not even a name ; for who would own such a name as Ironfist ?
What? What's that? Guns and mortars; who dares speak ill of my poor friend Ironfist ? I'll cut him in two.
A friend of yours? I thought so—I wish you joy of him! a finished brigand!
Yes, yes, his son, who
No, no, his daughter.
Daughter, no, son! Look here
Exactly ! Frances Ironfist—I called her Fan, for shortness.
i, it's an e, only not
looped, there's no dot.
Drums and trumpets! You are right. I took it for granted the child was a boy, and thought
that it was an i !
Well, what with your i's, and her " Noes," you've made a good thing of it!
It is she!
She !
What's the matter with him ?
He is going mad! He'll bite somebody.
I believe I shall go mad—this boy, whom I've been seeking everywhere, is a girl! I'm not sorry for the transformation—embrace me, Fan—and so my son's a daughter.
But tell me—
I havn't time now—embrace me, everybody!
Her husband ?
Oh, dear Hector!
After me, if he lives long enough!
Eh!
Hallo!
Although my honour is unsullied by that nocturnal invasion, my reputation is not the less compromised, for the invader escaped by the window.
I'm in for it this time—an inevitable bigamist.
You owe me reparation, and must marry me at once.
No, no; he is to marry me.
The man can't have two wives.
Such a thing has never been seen, or heard of.
Sometimes, sometimes!
Permit me to say, majestic widow, you must be mistaken.
No, trumpeter; I have a proof.
I raise my hand!
And I my foot!
Oh, confound him! What hard boots the fellow wears!
What proof?
You shall know presently!
Not yours!
Ha ! Ha! Ha !
It must have been he, then.
After such an exposure, I must have a husband.
It won't be me.
It was you then, decidedly.
Since they all say so.
He confesses.
I'm astounded!
I would rather have had the other; but he is a husband—Mr. Mouldywort, take my hand!
My dear Bridget.
Well, but I—
You are Mrs. Blowhard-in-chief, and without a partner; and I hope our friends are no less happy than I, in being witnesses to the circumstances that have led me to discover that—My Son's a Daughter.