First Performed at the New Royal Adelphi Theatre, (under the management of Mr. Benjamin Webster), on Thursday, December 29th, 1864.
The cabinet used in the piece resembles an ordinary wardrobe with three doors ; one on the right, opening to the right hand; another on the left, opening to the left hand; and the third, in the centre, opening to the right hand. These doors are fastened inside by means of buttons. Near the upper part of the centre door is a diamond-shaped aperture, about 8 inches in length, against which hangs, on the inside, a green silk or woollen curtain. The cabinet is fitted with three fixed seats ; one at each end, 10 inches wide, and one at the back, in the centre, 8 inches wide. These seats are 20 inches above the floor of the cabinet. The length of the structure is 6 feet 7 inches; height 6 feet 4 inches; and depth 2 feet 11 inches. At the back of the cabinet is a narrow door, close to which the musicians and assistants who make the discordant music, untie the cords, and exhibit the hands through the aperture in the front, are stationed on a platform, somewhat higher than the bottom of the cabinet, which may be constructed either of light boards, or frame work covered with canvas, painted to resemble walnutwood. The cabinet stands on three strong trestles, about 12 inches in height.
Ah, Laura! I was once as incredulous as you; but the united testimony of thousands of highly respectable persons, who have investigated the supernatural exhibitions of the Knotting'em Brothers, proves to me—
How easily thousands of highly respectable persons may be duped, uncle.
Your incredulity on the subject of occult influences is painful; you cannot perceive the beauties of clairvoyance.
I confess I'm totally blind to them.
And you doubt the very existence of Od force ?
I am odd enough to do so.
Just like your poor dear aunt, whose mind never rose above the level of a leg of mutton with suet dumplings.
My aunt was a positive Materialist, I believe.
Positive! She was the most obstinate woman that ever I met; she even went so
far as to thank heaven for her ignorance, and between ourselves, she had much to
be thankful for. But I'm determined, Laura, that you shall be convinced of the
truth of the spiritual agencies; and my friend. Doctor Jehonidah D. Quackenboss,
has been fortunate enough to engage the Knotting'em Brothers to come down from
London and give a seance to a select party here this evening. They have
sent on their Cabinet, and their mysterious instruments of music, and these
cords
Nothing will make you serious, till you are married to Quackenboss.
That would make any girl serious.
All prejudice; you have never seen him.
Neither have you ; and yet you want me to marry a man, who for all you know may be an adventurer.
Stop! stop! I've had the highest testimonials of the doctor's respectability.
From whom?
From the spirits; I turned the tables and got an excellent character of him.
Ah! you have been turning the tables until they have nearly turned your poor dear head.
That's precisely what that impudent young rascal who last summer proposed for your hand insinuated. In fact, he told me that I had been duped by a common juggler's trick;—duped was the word he used.
Well?
"I dispute no man's opinions," said I, " but mark what I say, young man ; you shall never marry my niece until you prove that I'm a fool, who can be duped by a juggler's trick."
You never said that ?
I did; and what do you think was his reply? "I accept the conditions, sir, and shall hold you to your word." Ha, ha, ha ! he'll prove me a fool. Ha, ha, ha ha! a fool.
I have no doubt he will, if you only give him a little time, uncle.
Six months;—I named the time, and it expires to day. By-the-bye, I wonder
what delays the doctor, he was to have been here by the seven o'clock train.
I'll send some one to the station to make enquiries about him.
Ha, ha, ha, ha! I can't help laughing, though this ridiculous project of my uncle's may prove too serious for a joke. What am I to do should he insist upon my marrying this horrible doctor. Ah ! Frank, Frank !
I beg pardon, miss, but there's something a weighing on my mind.
What is it, Giggles ?
I'll tell the truth, Miss; there's dark doings in this house; master is visited by characters I wouldn't by no means call respectable.
What do you mean? what characters?
Spirits, miss, and such like:—Sarah, the cook says they come knocking at all hours of the night, and behave themselves scandalous,—which I dussn't put my feet under the kitchen table since I heard it,—not for any money, miss !
It's all nonsense, Giggles; I don't believe in spirits!
Don't believe in 'em, Miss! When cook hears 'em every evening running like mice behind the dresser!
Cook's a silly creature who spends her time turning tables, when she should be turning the joint which she sends up burnt to dinner.
Not in the least; I have had my mind occupied with something that troubles me more. My uncle has been tormenting me about getting married.
Well, miss, there's nothing so dreadful in that, is there ?
Not absolutely. Marriage is like a game of croquet, capital fun provided you can choose your own partner:—now my uncle has selected a husband for me.
And you naturally fancy somebody else.
Giggles!
La, miss ! the name of Mr. Frank Fairfax never passed my lips; but if it had where's the harm? I'm sure a handsomer, pleasanter, well spokener young gentleman I never see.
Heigho ! Frank laughs at Spiritualism, and my uncle has refused his consent to our union.
Ah, miss! all uncles are made on the same cruel pattern as the wicked one in the Babes in the Wood.
He even forbade the poor fellow's visits,—so we have been compelled to interchange vows of eternal constancy by post.
Once a week reg'lar, miss,—and double postage when the vows are overweight.
For the last ten days though, I have not had a line from him. Can it be that he has grown cold or indifferent—that he has forgotten me ?
I shouldn't wonder in the least, miss. There's no
Shouldn't I box his ears well if he was.
Whose ears?
Why—it's—Frank ! Where have you come from?
Oh, don't let him near me, I'm not spirit proof.
It certainly was not an unsubstantial smack.
Giggles will give us notice when my uncle is coming.
Yes, Miss, of course I will.
How is it after ten days' silence—which I'll never forgive, never—you make your appearance here in such an extraordinary manner ?
It's quite a romance, my dear Laura, a sensational drama, which I'll relate to you in two minutes. A clever roguish fellow, who had been formerly engaged as an assistant to Doctor Quackenboss, the Yankee speculator in Spiritualism, somehow discovered that your uncle intended marrying you to the Doctor, who was to give a seance with the Knotting'em Brothers this evening at your uncle's house. I had, however, a particular reason for wishing to mystify your respectable relative.
I understand, dear Frank.
My plan was soon formed; I dispatched my active
Ha! ha! ha! ha! But how did you get into this house?
By that ladder, which the painters had obligingly left standing outside the window. My chief confederate is to personate the Yankee spirit doctor, while two of his friends, one of them the conductor of the orchestra in Punch's theatre, the other a gentleman of Irish extraction who has mounted to the top of the ladder in architectural pursuits, have undertaken to appear as the Knotting'em Brothers in their mystical and musical performances. They are now waiting for me in the garden.
Hush! our visitors have begun to arrive; you must not remain longer here.
Thanks, thanks; now for a great strategic move!
Oh! Miss Laura! oh! I've seed it, seed it, miss, with my own eyes, looking
out of the second floor back, oh!
Oh! thankee, miss,
Hush, Giggles ! not a word;—that spirit is—I know I may depend on your
fidelity and secrecy—
It's all very well to say "be silent," but I'd like to know what young woman
could be silent in a house where no followers are allowed, excepting them as
comes from what master calls the invisible world. Never mind, I'll give Miss
Laura warning to-morrow:—it's not to be expected I could stop in a situation
where they keep spirits in a cupboard.
Allow me, Doctor Quackenboss, again to welcome you.
Wale, I kinder guess the gal 'ludes to Colonel Jos Smith, a distinguished
citizen of Brownsville, New Hampshire, who took to drink, and died of delirious
trimmins last fall.
Not to my knowledge.
And you're not your own spirit ?
I'll take my oath I'm not.
It's so pretty, I can't help myself.
Agh! Don't think to modify me with your fine speeches—I know you too well. Where's my two p'und ten ? likewise my silver salt spoon, sir?
Don't let us bring up family matters in a strange place.
Rubbish ! why didn't you marry me as you promised ?
A pressing invitation from a—hem—from Her Majesty's Government deprived me of the pleasure of escorting you to the hymeneal altar as I proposed. I trust, however, you didn't take my temporary absence too much to heart, Miss Giggles?
And ever since my grandmother died and left me fifty pounds in the savings bank——
Hey! is your tender grandmother—stay, I don't think she could be tender at
her age ; let me say your venerable grandmother—is she really dead, Mary—I must
call you Mary, it's such a nice soft melting name in the mouth. Fifty pounds you
said ?
In the Post Office Savings' Bank.
Considerate old lady. But you never doubted my affections, Mary; and though
appearances were against me, you had confidence in your Joseph ? As for your two
p'und ten, it's neither here nor there,
What's this ? a pair of Wellingtons!
Eh? Oh ! that's another, that's the wrong one.
Bless me! did you hear that whistle ?
Distinctly.
No, it's in the garden. I'll run and alarm the house.
Never let anything surprise you, Mary, it's a proof of a feeble mind to be surprised.
Mr. Joe Smith, sir, my pardner's a sitting on a flower pot under a gooseberry bush, inwigorating himself for his spiritoous dooties.
Bring him up, Sam.
Asy, Dan—asy does it, my boy—don't disthress yourself.
Get in there and be quiet will you?
Asy does it, my boy, asy does it.
Sam, there's a lady present.
Hey! all right, Mr. Joe Smith, sir.
No, mum—miss,—organs is a nuisance : these are my panjean pipes. I carries my
pipes, and my pipes support me. Would you like to hear my pop'lar hoverture
which I plays with prodigious applause up the genteelest of courts.
Bass-oprofundo.
Mr. Joe Smith, sir, if the young lady likes my overture nobody shall prevent it.
Blow your overture!
That's what I'm a-going to do, Mr. Joe Smith, sir.
Excuse me, you shan't.
Oh, pray gentlemen, don't quarrel on my account !
Don't be alarmed, Miss Giggles, I merely wish to intimate to this low-minded hippopotamus that I look down upon him.
Hip-pop-hip—I despise thirteen syllables when one will do.
There's no necessity—an insulted Briton can remember his wrongs.
On consideration we can settle our little differences at a future time—a future time, observe.
The futurer the better, Mr. Joe Smith, sir.
Of course, Mr. Joe Smith, sir. I'll get in all right.
Now, my dear Mrs. Bumblebee, you and our friends shall have an opportunity of
witnessing the stupendous phenomena which have astounded the world.
On our hands ?
Jinks! if you don't conduct yourself with the decorum proper to this solemn occasion, you had better retire. Hem! Doctor Quackenboss.
Allow me, sir, to shake your hand.
Allow us all, sir, to shake your hand.
I'm not a morsel proud; shake away.
The name of Quackenboss, sir, will descend to posterity surrounded by—a—by—a brilliant—coruscation of——
Fireworks!
Fire—no—Jinks! be silent—will descend to posterity surrounded by a halo of unfading glory.
Wale, you're about on the right track. I have a modest appreciation of my own gigantic genius, that like the proud bird of my native country, sits on the summit of the rock of liberty, and looking into the darkened future, sees the torch of the past illumining with its boundless radiance the all hail of awakening nations.
Bravo ! pick that up.
Bravo!
Jinks!
Silence, sir! Let every one be seated.
The British Public are getting impatient.
We are quite ready to begin, doctor; but where are the Knotting'em Brothers, they have not come with you.
No, sirree; spiritual agencies do not employ human means of locomotion. The
Brothers have arrived; they are amongst us, sir, at this moment
enclosed in that structure.
Produce them ; open the spirit case.
By Jove ! a woman!
Don't know.
I do. This young person has been included in the
structure by a supernatural influence.
There can be no harm if I kiss the passive instrument.
Wale, sir, kissing's an institution convenable to the female mind, all over the world. But did I act'lly kiss her?
Hurrah !
But where's the second Brother ?
Whar is he ?—hem!—a—a!
That's really wonderful!
Astounding!
Wale, I feel at this moment kinder, like Louis Napoleon, when he squirmed to the top of the Great Pyramid to shew his troops the Valley of Chamouni. I should like to do something.
séance.
If any of the company wish to put questions to the Brothers, they are willing to respond.
Recognising the mysterious connexion between spirit and matter, allow me to ask the Corsican Brothers what they prefer for dinner?
According to the laws of natur, there's nothing beats rump-steak and ingins, with a pot of porter.
In the pewter.
In the pewter! That's a very important fact—in pewter.
are brothers, I presume ?
Yes, mum; both on us twins, by one father, and two stepmothers.
Hey! that seems impossible, don't it ?
Wale, no; it's only supernatural, and what's supernatural can't be impossible.
Hear, hear! Would it be proper to enquire why one of the twins is so much smaller than his brother.
Why, sir, you see my little brother, when he was a small boy was too lazy to grow.
The small twin don't seem much of a public speaker.
Wale, no; but he's a powerful rapping agent. He'll rap out all Shakespeare's
plays right off, from Hamlet to the Lady of Lyons—spellin',
full stops, and i-talics included, without extra charge.
Like the disembodied spirit of a general postman.
Jinks ! you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
All right! I'll be as silent as a boiled owl.
We will now, if it be agreeable, proceed to the rope-tying manifestation.
Kindly undertaking the duty of putting the spirits in bond.
Examine the cords, gentlemen; they're manufactured of the strongest hemp.
Hemp ! rather suggestive, eh?
I--eh—remain in the structure; oh, no !—I think I'd rather not.
My dear Muddiman, you mustn't refuse—
The privilege of being admitted behind the scenes by the spirits.
You'll be sure to see something, and feel something extraordinary.
You'll so oblige us all, Mr. Muddiman.
Well, if I was sure there was nothing to dread.
Don't be afraid, it's all right, go in and win, old fellow.
Bopps and I will tie you up.
While these gentlemen are engaged knotting and tying the twins, I should like
to draw your attention to the astounding phenomena you are are about to witness.
I will place these musical notions in the structure; observe, a banjo, violin,
tambourine, trumpet, and bell.
In your pocket, sir, your head, sir, or any other vacant locality.
Hear! hear!
The only conditions we require, are that you remain ondeniably quiet---don't interfere with the structure, but keep your eyes peeled, and look out sharp for what may eventuate — if nothing eventuates you'll be just whar you was.
There, I've tied him firmly.
Let him open those knots if he can.
Now, we'll shut the doors.
Wonderful!
Wonderful!
Hus-s-s-sh!
What heavenly melody !
Divine, divine!
Perhaps the spirits would favour us with a song ?
The spirits answer, "with great pleasure."
Look there! a perfect hand and arm, exhibiting an ordinary black bottle.
Clearly proving the presence of spirits.
Clearly ! Perfectly conclusive.
All the ladies and gentlemen present, will please to hold each other's hands.
Do you hear that music in the air?
Yes, hush! It was close above me—there.
It quite took away my breath.
Oh ! another stunning fact on my head.
Shame ! shame !
Jinks!
It isn't me!
Dear! dear! it's only the banjo.
Well, that is extraordinary.
Don't move! they're only piling up for a tremendous effect.
Oh! oh! somebody give me a chair, and lift my hat from my eyes.
Well, tell us, what did you see.
See! nothing! but I felt unutterable things, I'm battered and bruised to a jelly; I don't know who did it, or how it was done, but the demonstration was most satisfactory ;—I don't mean satisfactory, but convincing.
These young gentlemen, whom you saw bound securely with ropes, are now free as the unfettered eagle that proudly spreads its golden wings over the grocery store of my friend Judge Slocum.
There ain't no deception about us.
Not a morsel. Aisy does it, my boy.
I trust that all here are now convinced that spiritual phenomena are——
Humbug!
Your scepticism is disgusting, Jinks.
Mr. Softshell, I accept with sentiments of pride and gratitude the very handsome present you have made me, and in celebration of the joyful event, I propose, sir, that we all liquor up.
Hear, hear!
What does this intrusion mean, sir ? I told you you should not have my consent to marry Laura until you could prove I had been duped by a common juggler's trick.
That is my business here, sir. The real Doctor Quackenboss and his companions have been sent to Colonel Tomkins's, and you have been hoaxed by my servant Joe Smith and his two confederates.
How! is this a fact?
It's the blessed truth, sir.
I can't deny it.
The two twins are convicted on the clearest evidence.
And I have been duped by these impostors! Kick the scoundrels out of the house.
Aisy does it.
Stay. I confess myself the concocter of the trick, and I now claim your niece's hand according to your own conditions.
Well, it's hard to be obliged to acknowledge that I have been so egregiously bamboozled, but a man's word is his word; take my niece, Mr. Fairfax. I grant a general amnesty, and pardon to all offenders, including the mock doctor here.
Multum in parvo. For self and future partner, thanks. Hem!