Captain Smith.
First performed at the Charing Cross Theatre, under the management of Miss Fowler, on Monday, the 4th April 1870.
Time - Present
Scene — Drawing Room at Mrs. Clapperclaw's.
Sir Charles Chatterton.—Plain morning suit.
Captain Smith.—Plain morning suit.
Fido - Fat boy. Dark green trowsers, with gold stripes, scarlet rest, dark green coat, gilt buttons, gold lace collar, cuffs ; apron in first scene.
Mrs. Clapperclaw.—Black silk dress, shawl, spectacles, stiff carls, large cap and mittens.
Stella Smith.—Neat grey dress.
Dolly — Cotton dress, white apron, and cap.
Arabella.—Black dress (too short), pinafore, thick boots, long straight hair.
Who would be housemaid in an academy! 'Tis work, work, work, from morning till night. Here
it's getting on for twelve o'clock, and the front parlour ain't done yet. All in dish-a-billy,
as missis says, when she hasn't fixed her curls on. And, what's worse, there ain't no
perquisites now, as there used to was, before missis found a billy-doo in a apple I was
a-carrying to one of the young ladies. My! wasn't there a row! I nearly lost my place that
time, I did. Since then she's stopped up the windows, and had those 'ere blinds put up. But,
law ! they manage to deceive her, for all that. I believe a school-girl would deceive the old
gentleman hisself! And they calls them hinnocent! I know what their hinnocence is like,
very short, and when she was put on one of these, didn't she set up a
howl—that's all ! Not all the jams in missus's cupboard could stop her either. She never sat
on one again—she didn't. But where is Fido ? Why can't he come and help me ? He gets lazier
and lazier every day. His infections seem to be froze up, like the pump. Oh ! here he is at
last.
So, you've come, have you ? I hope you haven't hurried yourself.
Hurried myself? No; I should rather think not. When a young man has reached my proportions,
it ain't no
La! Fido. Why?
Why ? Ha! Dolly; I've a silent sorrow here.
Oh, my!
Dorothea, I've let concealment, like a worm in the tub, prey on my damask cheek. I'm wearing
away! I'm wasting ! I'm getting thinner!
La!
Some day, Dolly, you'll find these 'ere invisible greens empty, and nothing left of me but a
broken heart, to tell you, " This was Fido!"
I'll tell you what it is, Fido. You're in love.
In love ! That's a mild hexpression. I'm plunged in a very abyss of haffection.
And you're afeard your detachment ain't returned.
That's just it, Dolly.
is returned.
Returned? No !
Yes.
Oh! the picter is too bright! I—I am beloved! Oh, what hecstasy! My Harabellar loves me.
Who loves you ?
Who ? Why my Harabellar, to be sure; who else ? Wern't you talking of her ?
Of her ? No. I was talking of myself. It's me who returns your detachment—me who
loves you, you little monster!
I see what it is, Fido. You've been falling in love again with one of the parlour boarders. That's the seventh this quarter.
What if it is ? It's a amiable weakness.
What if it is! you good-for-nothing, weak-minded little wretch, you. Why, you're a reg'lar Don Juan in buttons!
And you're sighing for Miss Harabellar. Well, I would have chosen something bigger. Why, she's only twelve years old.
She'll grow older, and improve with age, like wine.
And if she does, do you think she'll be ignited to you. Buttons ?
Love levels all distinctions. If her parents refuse their consent, I'll bear her away to
some distant climb, and we'll build a harbour by some green wood, on the bank of some
philandering stream, and pass our days on love and watercresses. Dost like the picture ?
Oh, be off, you absurd piece of fat. You said you was going to be welded to me. We was to keep a greengrocery : I was to mind the shop, and you was to go out and wait.
It's you who'll have to wait, Miss Dolly. I've a soul above greengrocery
and white berlins.
Very well, Mr. Fido, as you please. Keep your Harabellar. I can have the baker.
He's been pertickler attentive to me lately—pertickler attentive,
Of course I have. He's just given me the halfquarterns.
And something else besides. There's a patch of flour on your mouth. How dares he leave his mark on my property!
Your property, indeed! Not till you give up Harabellar.
I'll try, Dolly; I will indeed; though it's a 'ard struggle. Oh, Dolly ! it's a hawful feeling—love.
It's a sort of all-overishness.
Oh! oh ! oh, dear! Oh, gracious!
What?
Such a queer feeling! So funny! Just between my nose and chin. What is it ? Do see.
I think—it is —the mouth.
Oh ! I see now. You want me to kiss you. Well, I don't mind obliging you, for once,
Missis's bell. You answer it, Fido. Come; do move a bit quicker. Let me see you in
a bustle for once.
Bustle! I leaves that to women. I'm symmetrical enough, without such help to add to my
attractions. Oh! Harabellar! Harabellar! Little do you know what I am suffering for you!
And to-morrow it will be, " Oh, Jemima ! Oh, Jemima!" Fortunately, I ain't jealous in
earnest,
Dolly, tell Miss Smith she's wanted.
Stay, my good girl. A pretty face like yours deserves a pretty cap. Here's to buy one.
That's missis. Shan't I catch it, for not denouncing you, sir!
I'll give you something to avert her anger.
La, sir! What?
Oh, sir.
My name is Fido, on the Grampian hills —
I does.
Then, if you'll do me a favour —
Oh—ha! I see. I But I ain't a-going to take your money, as Dolly did! I ain't a-going to do
no favours ! I ain't a-going to be kissed, I ain't ! No—a!
Ha, ha, ha ! He's a character ! Ha, ha, ha ! But, now I'm alone, let me look round, and
re-consider my plans. So far, my adventure has succeeded, and my first step is gained. I have
come to a house I do not know; knocked at its door, and been admitted; have asked for Miss
Smith (as I thought, there is a Miss Smith ; there always is a Miss Smith in
a school), and here I am. But why am I here? Why have I—I, Sir Charles Chatterton, of
Chatterton Manor, come to a house I do not know, and knocked at a door I never knocked at
before, and asked for a girl I've never seen, and only know she is Miss Smith ! This
confounded snow is the cause. Who ever knew snow at this time of the year!— such snow, too!
Spoilt our fun; might as well be in Town sgain. Wish I were ! Hunting, impossible; skating,
bosh; snowballing, caddish; duck-shooting, trash; sleigh-driving, pooh ! Tired of billiards,
disgusted with myself, everybody, and everything; but ready for any fresh sport to kill time.
So, hit upon a wager with the fellows, that one of us should come to this school, ask to see a
girl we'd never seen, and cut off a lock of her hair, with her own permission and the
governess's. We tossed : it fell to me. They bet two to one I shouldn't do it. I took it in
ponies, and here I am. It will be hard if I can't induce a merry school-girl to lend herself
to a bit of fun ! I wonder if she's a trot in pinafores, or a venerable spinster in
spectacles!
Her brother ?
Very well, sir.
Here! here! My name's not Smith! Here's a mess! What am I to do now, without a word or clue
to guide me! The girl evidently jumped to the conclusion I was Miss Smith's brother. Well, I
can't go back now! I must run my chance, and trust to impudence to befriend me !
Abominable! atrocious!
Sir ! Have you visited my academy for the purpose of injuring my pianoforte?
Certainly not, my dear madam! that would be impossible !
Sir !
For a worse instrument -
Sir!!
Or one less devoid of tone -
Sir !!!
I never heard.
Sir, have you come here to insult me ?
By no means, madam. I only speak of your instrument. Listen to my defence, my sister.
Such as it is, sir, ladies of quality have received their rudiments upon it!
Very rude rudiments, they must have been. But, I trust, madam, you do not think
me rude !
No, sir. I am a woman of large sympathies, and can make allowance for your protracted absence from the land of your birth.
The customs of the country from which you come are, I know, lax in the extreme ! But what can you expect otherwise, in a land where the use of the globes is unknown ?
What, indeed!
I am a woman of large sympathies, and have had serious thoughts of organizing an academical mission to that benighted land
To teach them the use of the globes?
Just so. Is it not grievous to think that so many millions of our fellow-creatures should be ignorant of that important knowledge ?
Alas!
But, sir—you have not yet spoken of your sister ! My sympathies tell me your heart must be full of her!
Precisely. Too full to speak of her !
Then, sir, I will inform her of your arrival. I am anxious to witness your meeting, after a separation of so many years. I am a woman of large sympathies, and rejoice in the sympathies of others!
Hang her sympathies! I didn't want her presence till I had smoothed the path. To be sure,
the brother has been away for years, and may be changed. Psha ! as if the girl won't know I'm
not her brother! I shall be taken for a swindler! Agreeable prospect! I'd better beat a
retreat while I can, and pay the wager. Hang it! there's only one door; I must try the window,
Oh, my dear, dear brother! Come at last!
Don't doubt it. I am here. Believe the evidence of my lips !
Not that I should have known you in the least. We were quite children, you know, when you left England. Let me see, how long is it ?
And when I received your letter this morning, saying you were in England, and would be with me in a few hours, you cannot tell the joy I felt.
real brother is coming!
And you are glad to come back to England and me !
Thanks for those thoughts and sympathy
Pardon me for interrupting the intercommunion of fraternal sentiment, but I believe you made use of the word sympathy, Captain Smith.
Captain Smith !
Sympathy is a word which strikes a chord that vibrates my entire corporeal system !
Most unpleasant, I'm sure.
Not so. The sensation is eminently refreshing, And now, having witnessed the gush of
affection which burst forth after being pent up so many years, I will retire, that
Excuse me; before you go—have you a pair of scissors ?
Whatever do you want with scissors ?
A mere fancy. I want one of those little curls that hang so temptingly upon your neck. You will not refuse ?
Refuse? No!
Beware! scissors cut love!
Oh! I have no fear!
No ; we have no fear!
Then now I will leave you for a short time. It is not my practice, as Miss Smith knows, but yours is a peculiar case.
Very!
And, as I am a woman of large sympathies, I can feel for the sympathies of others. Exit, r. c.
But I dare say I am quite as much altered. Should you have known me, now ?
I do not think I should.
Ha ! we have both changed since we parted. Dark days and early sorrow have weighed upon us. Papa's death first, which obliged us to leave the dear old Rectory-—-
And then mamma's failing health, and you away! But Heaven sent us a friend! Mamma and I never wanted anything so long as he lived. With her last breath, mamma prayed for blessings on his son—Sir Charles Chatterton.
Yes, Harry; your old schoolfellow is Sir Charles Chatterton now. Ha! times have
changed since you and he played together!
No ; I should not know him now.
It was my only resource when mamma was gone. Oh ! but how I've envied each child when the
holidays came, and I had no home to go to.
Do you mean to say you've passed your holidays here—with Clapperclaw ?
She has been very good to me.
That's fortunate. If she hadn't
Isn't it?
Here's a ewent, Miss! Missis is a-coming it— rayther!
It certainly is very kind of her.
Kind ! I should think it was! She says it's to celebrate Captain Smith's return to 'ome and
beauty. " Fido," says she, " The harmy has a claim on my sympathies !" Cos why ? Cos her
husband was in the taller trade, and supplied the barracks with longs and shorts. This 'ere is
champagne, sir.
And these are Habernetheys, sir! Missis says they's the wholesomest. I dessay they is—'cos they're too hard to eat. But if you've a mind to try one, I'll fetch a hammer and break 'em.
Thanks; I've no taste for biscuitology.
She calls this a 'umble fete ! Ha ! ha! it's 'umble enough. But when my
fate comes, I hope it won't be gooseberry wine and fossil habernetheys. my fate!
This is one of my little pupils, Harry, come for her music lesson. Mrs. Clapperclaw, no doubt, forgot to countermand her.
I'll just attend to her a few minutes, whilst you amuse yourself with the wine and biscuits.
Why, what's the matter, Fido ?
Only the scale in A major, dear.
A major ? A devil !
Oh, stop that infernal noise !
Find your song, dear.
Hallo, my fat friend—another spasm ?
Oh, sir! listen.
If you please, Miss Smith, here's the book for coppers.
Very well, Dolly, put them on the table.
Now, dear, I'll play that piece to you.
Are you coming?
Thank you, miss,
Only writing a few copies for you, sister,
Hang Clapperclaw ! Cut her and the whole thing.
Harry !
Come with me, and share my home and fortune, with my heart!
Stella, forgive me. I am not your brother!
With shame I confess it.
Oh!
You cannot despise me more than I despise myself!
Stella—Miss Smith—hear me!
Miss Smith, I have not seen your brother—at least, not for many years, though we once were friends.
You?
I am your brother's early friend—your father's pupil — he whom your mother named in her last hour—Sir Charles Chatterton!
See, this is the little locket you gave me when we parted as children. It has not left me since.
Can you not forgive me ? It was the frolic of a moment—not meant to pain you. I made a
foolish wager, that brought me here. Chance sent you to meet me; time had changed us
both too much for recognition; your brother's return helped to deceive you—but be generous,
and forgive.
A sister's love should have been sacred.
I know it, and hate myself for the part I have played. But say you forgive.
Your father's son, Sir Charles, will always have my gratitude.
No more ? We loved each other as children, Stella, and I love you, still—not as
when a boy, but with the deeper feeling of a man. Do you remember you promised to be my little
wife? I ask you now to fulfil your vow.
You forget, Sir Charles
I forget nothing. You were my first love, and my last, for in all these years I've never loved as I loved my little playmate.
I am poor
You have a priceless treasure to bestow—a woman's loving heart!
If you really esteem me, you will leave me.
Not until I have a sign that you forgive me.
What would your mother—Lady Chatterton—say, if her son married a governess ?
Then you consent ? Hurrah!
No, no; I did not consent.
But you will. And now, another kiss—a brother's kiss, you know,
Sir C.
Oh, yes—very soon.
Good-bye.
I am happy to think that I have gained your sympathies, my dear madam, and I trust
You were remarking, Captain Smith
Certainly. Show him up.
Your sister is finding all her friends to-day, Captain Smith.
Bless me ! Two Captain Smiths !
Mrs. Clapperclaw, I presume.
I have called, madam, to see my sister.
My sister—Miss Stella Smith.
Allow me to say, sir, you are labouring under some singular misapprehension.
Misapprehension ? Is not this Minerva House ? Are not you Mrs. Clapperclaw ? and is Miss Smith not governess here?
Quite true, sir. Miss Smith is my governess.
But not for long. I have returned to bear her to a new home, and to the station she was born to fill.
Then, sir—are you?—I mean—do you love her?
With all my heart and soul!
Then, I think I ought to have been informed of this attachment.
Is it not natural.
Well, I suppose it is. to
me!
Now, madam, where is my sister ?
sister ?
Yes, madam, my sister !
You still maintain, then, she is your sister !
What else can she be?
Nature has not given me that pleasure! I do not even know that gentleman, nor have I ever seen him before !
Then, sir, how dare you come here, with falsehoods and fictitious names ?
I do not understand you, madam.
But this gentleman understands, sir. However, I will waste no more words,
Excuse me, Mrs. Clapperclaw; but I do not leave this room till I have seen my sister.
What does this mean ? You Captain Smith ? You my sister's brother?
You heard, sir.
Then in the name of wonder, who am I?
That, sir, is best known to yourself.
Am I mad, or dreaming ?
Both! Fido, take him away! I shall scream!
All right, mam ! I had my eye on him.
What the deuce does this mean ?
It means, sir, that the sooner you leave the pure-minded and virtuous academy, the better !
It means that there is a mistake here which requires explanation.
Now, sir, are you going ?
I am going—to stay! I came here to see my sister, and I do not stir without her.
Fido, prepare !
All right, mum!
Fido, do your duty !
I will, mum! I'm getting the steam up !
I'll rouse something else, though,
Satisfied! to see my governess kiss and clasp two Captain Smiths, within the space of five minutes ! Oh, my sympathies!
But this is my real brother.
Worse and worse.
I am not Miss Smith's brother.
Monster ! Wretch !! Man !!! Who are you then ? To kiss her, too, before my eyes! And you,
you indelicate girl; I see it all now. Oh, my misplaced sympathies Here, Dolly, Fido ! Police
! Help, help ! I shall scream—I know I shall. Ha !
The same. The son of Christopher! Don't you remember, your old school-fellow, Harry?
And how you used to help me with my verses?
Ha, ha !
And first taught me to pull an oar—for which last, I shall ever remain grateful.
It is we who should talk of gratitude.
Hush, hush! Not another word. I have another subject to talk of with you and Stella—my sister of an hour!
There they are! Call the police! Get a warrant ! Fetch the yeomanry—the volunteers! Don't let them escape.
Let me join my entreaties to those of my old friend, Sir Charles Chatterton.
Sir Charles Chatterton.
Of Chatterton Manor?
The same.
I am; and I assure you I've often heard my mother speak in the highest terms of her
friend, Mrs. Clapperclaw.
dear friend, Lady Chatterton! Here, Dolly! Fido! Where are you going !
To fetch the pelisse, mum.
And the voluntary-dears.
Stupids ! Could you not see I was only joking! You see, Sir Charles, I am a woman of large sympathies; but why did Miss Smith deceive me ?
Miss Smith was as much deceived as you. Until a few minutes ago, she did not know I
was not her brother; and now I trust soon to be able to call her by a nearer and
dearer name to me !
I understand. Of course she has accepted.
I see. You blush! You love him !
You are right; she does love him. She has
honour my mother with a visit
and be our chief wedding guest.
Oh! it's too much for my sympathies!
So it be's for mine !
Oh ! Fido, when will our turn come ?
So soon as you like, Dolly. You shall have your greengrocery whenever Fido is willing to
follow my example.
Oh, sir, I knowed you was a prince in disguise. I wishes you and your lady happiness, sir,
and plenty on 'em, sir.
Dolly!
Fido!
I plight thee my broth!
I'll convert you into Mrs. Fido
And lead me to the menial altar ?
Like a lamb to the slaughter !