First produced at the Royal Court Theatre, London, (under the Management of Miss Marie
Litton,) on
BILL HEARTY—Ploughman's smock, blue stockings, billy-cock hat, &c.; 2nd Dress—White felt hat, corduroy breeches, flowered waistcoat, blue coat, brass buttons.
THE TWINS.—Dressed precisely in imitation of their father.
NEVER having been solicited to become a candidate, I have no hesitation in placing my services at your disposal.
In the course of last Parliament NUMEROUS IMPORTANT QUESTIONS have occupied public attention. I can add with confidence they have NOT occupied mine.
Regarding freedom from fiscal burdens, I have always advocated BEING PAID with liberality, and have questioned the RIGHTS OF OTHERS to oppress me with demands. I refer more particularly to the calls of those minions who, as representatives of power, are connected with THE TAXES, THE GAS, THE WATER, and THE COAL monopolies. I shall therefore give my cordial support to any measures calculated to ABOLISH the INCOME TAX.
SCHEDULE D—VIC. I., CAP. 2, FOLIO 3, PAGE 4. I need scarcely add, that if ELECTED, I shall always be found at MY POST, ready to further my own interests.
I shall have the opportunity given me every evening of addressing the Electors at the
THEATRE ROYAL at 10-15, where I shall also be prepared to answer any questions put to
me.
Trusting to secure YOUR VOTE AND INTEREST, I have the the honour to be, Your
obedient Servant, (Name of Low Comedian.)
So this is the abode of Cincinnatus the Second, called from the plough to the throne ; and
to think this ploughman holds in his hand my future happiness. Should he take a dislike to
myself or Mr. Brothers, he could influence the whole of the tenants upon his newly acquired
estates, and then farewell to everything. There is but one chance, at all risks, he must be
secured before the opposite party knows anything about his sudden good fortune. Very queer—no
one to take care of the house—perhaps unmarried!
Don't be alarmed! Mrs. Hearty, I presume—
You're very kind, mum.
On the contrary—however, I hope I am the first to congratulate you ; it will be the means, no doubt, of bringing us together.
In your new position, we shall become fast friends.
New position! I ain't heard Bill say as he's agoin' to move.
No, he ain't took no physic for it.
Every minit, mum.
Very well, I will call in half an hour, meanwhile you will permit me to leave these books, you may find them useful by and bye.
But, ma'am—
Not another word, wait until I return and we will have a long chat about the future—ta, ta.
Cuin on, you twins, blessed if it ain't like draggin' a couple of young bullocks arter yer.
Look at 'em, Peggy, look at 'em; aint they a heritage o' woe. I forgave you bringing on 'em into the world, Peggy, but their stoopidness ain't to be overlooked no how.
It's no fault o' mine.
But I say it is; it's all women has got to do on this earth, and if they can't attend to it properly, what's the use on 'em.
What's the matter with 'em, now?
Matter with 'em now, look at 'em; 'cos I 'appened to pint out to 'm a lark in the sky, bless'd if they didn't keep their 'eads up and their mouths open until they walked slap into a 'oss pond ; that ain't clever, is it? that ain't like their fayther, is it? besides, look at their hair, what makes it grow the wrong side out?
'Cos Bill's orlers a pullin' at it.
Oh! Come here, late 'un.
I wish you'd call 'em by their right names, Bill.
Right names—if you go and christen 'em both the same name, you must take the consequences. I call him the late 'un because he were born one minute, twenty-two and a half seconds arter the other. Well, late 'un, what are you going to do when you've grow'd up?
Work.
Work; ah, that's about all you're born for. And what are you going to do, early 'un?
Marry.
That's inclooded in the working. Look here, don't you go and get married until you get nine
shillings a-week, or you'll ruin your prospects as a young man. Come on, Peggy, with the
food—I do believe I could eat a plate-full of crocodiles and never spit out the skins.
You're always grumbling at something.
Very well, then, why worn't I born a markis or a dook? and then I should have everything I
don't want. Why don't somebody send me a lot of partridges and anchovies?
Go on with you!
Well, read for theeself.
Go on with you!
I a'most forgot—a lady came here this morning and left these—I can't make it out nohow.
What, these here? I do b'lieve there's summat wrong—the chaps down the village oorayed as I
come through. I wonder if that old aunt o'mine's dead, and left me them heaps of turmuts they
was goin' bad?
Pardon me—Mr. Hearty live here?
Well, yes; he do at times.
Is he at home?
He's a doin' his best to make himself at home this wery instant.
My name is Franchise—Colonel Franchise.
Yes, and you are Mr. Hearty.
Ha, ha! did you indeed? No, sir, in me you see a man who detests humbug of any description,
and when I say I congratulate you, sir, I mean it.
You're a deuced lucky fellow, Hearty.
It's them birds
I am here, sir, to apologize.
Oh, well the drains is awful bad.
I feel that I have neglected you too long.
So you have, and it's awful of a hot day like this.
But, sir, I'll atone for it, I detest humbug, and there's my hand on it.
Well, you ain't a bad sort, so—
My dear sir, nothing of the kind, I hate, detest and abhor humbug.
Eh? fair and square—let's look.
How absurd. I came round to congratulate you, and perhaps to serve you.
I want you to run over to my place and have a bit of dinner.
Ay!
I can find you a bird and a deuced good glass of wine.
More birds.
What do you say?
Say? I—to dinner with you—alone.
All right, you consent.
Well I—
once a fortnit, and for a treat I gives 'em a smell of my beer can.
I say, shall I put my Sunday clothes on?
Wear whatever you like you know I hate and detest humbug!
No. Ha, ha! By the way, Hearty, don't you see anyone until I return—keep yourself quiet—ta, ta!
Look arter them twins, or they will pisen their blessed selves. I say, I'm a-goin' to dine along o' that Colonel chap.
You!
What are you grinnin' at ain't I fit to dine at a dook's when I've got them there Sunday clothes on?
Finish your dinner, do, and don't talk nonsense.
It ain't nonsense; I must go, or may be he'll come back and strangle me. I don't mean him to
have that wine back, any way.
How d'ee do? very glad to see you. Looking devilish well, Mrs. Hearty, of course; if you are not you ought to be. How do
I beg your pardon, sir.
On the contrary, I beg yours—and any fellow would do the same.
Would they, sir?
Would they, sir? Of course they would, sir. Are you a mother?
Sir!
Never mind, we won't say anything about that. Oh, you lucky little woman.
I don't understand you.
Of course not—artful, very. You're an uncommon nice little woman, too.
Would you mind saying, sir, what you want?
Would I mind? Certainly not. If he hasn't told you yet, he ought to be ashamed of himself.
Mind, this is entre nous.
Is that wrong, sir?
Sometimes; it all depends upon what is entre nous. Now with a nice little woman
like you
—In case you scream or faint.
Dang it, I can't stand this.
I have you safely
Ay!
How are you? You're looking extremely well, Bill—extremely well. I can't tell you how sorry I am I could not get to see you before.
I can see you are you make yourself at home so quickly when you do come.
Always did—always do—always shall, especially when I meet with a jolly little woman like that.
Yes; it's wonderful how soon you found it out—she seemed to believe in it as well.
Well I never!
'Ere, 'old 'ard!
In the first place I congratulate you.
Now he's at it!
In the second place I warn you—
Ay?
I warn you you are in danger—will you trust me? For years I have been your friend.
Eh?
Brothers.
Go on; twins are brothers—you're not twins, are you?
No! they thought I was going to be but I wasn't—that's no matter. You are in danger; in less than an hour there will be one here who seeks to do you harm!
He means Colonel Franchy.
Where did you get 'em?
Had 'em sent me—reg'lar swell.
That's bribery—that's bribery!
There is but one way of escape; leave yourself in my hands—I will take you out of harm's way—we will fly to France.
Go?—o' coorse I'll go. I'm reglar reckless whether it's Jerooselem, Jimmakee, or Kentish
Town—come on! You ain't got sich a thing as a dog cart you can run round in half an hour?
Dog cart—good. Half an hour—better. Jerusalem—best. Ta-ta; remember me to the little woman—in half an hour!
So—so very pleased to find you in.
You bin afore, this morning?
Yes; however, it's too late to congratulate you.
Now she's at it.
I'm not at all surprised at your sudden elevation,
That's comfortin', anyhow,
I have always said "Ask me to name the man of my choice, and I would have pointed out you."
Your taste's a credit to you.
From the first moment I saw you, I said that's the man.
I was instantaneously struck with your appearance!
But you ain't seen me in my new Sunday clothes—you wait till I clean mysen up a bit,
Now, Mr. Hearty, I am going to ask you a favour.
I'll grant it for the sake of the twins—you ain't seen them twins yet? Never mind, fire away.
I want you to promise me you will stand by me?
Stand by you, how long?
In your own language. I want you to stick to me.
Stick to you? Rather!
And you will never let others influence you?
Never, never, never!
And you will never desert me?
Desert you? I desert you?
Confound it, I can't stand this.
Halloa, you be a enjoying yourself, Peggy, my lass?
Same to you.
Mr. Brothers!
Miss Dashby!
The Colonel!
Get them yourself, you brute!
Halloa!
I'll never get anything for you again!
Laura.
Sir.
You are offended.
Indeed, no.
Indeed, yes. What have I done to deserve the coolness I have lately met with?
That is my affair.
You will drive me mad.
That is your affair.
What am I to do?
Worst of all, the loss of you. Are you quite sure this man Hearty is really the heir?
I went myself, at some risk, to the inn, and learnt there that Hearty had just left the lawyer, besides it is the common talk of the village.
It is a cruel injustice to me, who have so long hoped that I might once own these lands.
We must make the best of it let us put our shoulders to the wheel and secure Hearty at all hazards.
Come along, then, and let us only remember that all's fair in love or elections.
Now, twins, you're a goin' to dine along o' the miling-tary, and your father will show you how to behave yoursens. Mind you are werry perlite; don't oil your hair with the gravy, and don't go to sleep with your 'eads in the soup; look up to your father. Now I'm perfectly ready, twins; right about face, march! Mind you don't knock them new hats off agen the tops of the doors.
I say, Hearty, here comes that confounded Colonel at my heels. He mustn't see me here, you know.
Thee must be a fool to come here then. You twins run in to your mother.
Couldn't avoid him. Carn't you hide me some-where until he has gone?
Course I can, if you don't mind rats.
Not I. But mind, don't let him persuade you to leave the house.
What, him? Ain't I a-going with you to Jimmaky? Ere, go in there. There's only some mouldy boots and half a dozen rats.
There, that's one of the mad 'uns safe.
Come along, Hearty, my boy—no fuss or humbug —jump up, and let's be off.
Stop a minit. Just run your eye over my figure. Think it 'ull do?
Do, splendidly. By the way, as I came along, I met my agent. He tells me the Oaklands is to let. I told him to take it for you.
Go on with you.
Thought it would be just the place. There's five-and-twenty bedrooms, and a couple of hundred of acres of shooting you can have.
Oh, I say, you ain't got a Crystal Palace or a railway station to give away, have you?
Ay, what's that, humbug?
Oh my eye, here's the lovely 'un comin' back. I say, Colonel, do you want to see a reg'lar
flourisher?
Great goodness, it's Laura! Is she coming here?
She is she reg'lar gone on me.
Hearty, by Jove, sir, I must not be seen here.
Well, I'm blessed, they all say that when they come here. That 'sylum must be a darned rum place.
I hate humbug; but by Jove, sir, you must hide me somewhere until she has gone.
Have you any objection to coal?
Not the slightest—only the price!
In you go then—mind you don't run about too much, there's a well in the middle.
Not a word to her.
Leave home—d'ye think I could leave home when there was a chance of seeing you—bless you.
Call me Billy—the twins won't mind it.
Eh?
You are not what you thought you were.
Bless me; you have not told my old woman, I hope, or the twins.
Need I say how much I feel for you?
I dessay I shall recover, eh?
No, I don't see any chance.
She's gettin' very bad—what shall I do? I carn't lock her up in the male wards. I know, I'll lock her up here, fetch Dickson's cart, and take the whole lot back to the 'sylum.
Poor Brothers, all his excitement and trouble for nothing. If Colonel Franchise had only
been caught in the trap, it would have paid for all.
Mr. Brothers' voice. Here's fun.
I thought I couldn't keep the male and female lunatics apart long.
Caught again!
Really, Laura, I assure you—
I know; not a word now.
Hearty, have they gone?
Hush!
Damme, Hearty, if you don't let me out I'll be black in the face!
Who's to pay?
He shall!
What's the matter?
Extremely awkward, Colonel Franchise—for you.
Madam, I am here simply in the interests of the constituency I wish to represent. My dear Mr. Hearty—
One moment, Colonel; perhaps you are labouring under the now popular delusion that Mr. Hearty is heir to these estates.
Do you mean to say you're not?
Go on with you.
Sir, you're a fool!
Sir, you're a humbug!
He's done it.
We are all evidently in the wrong box. I met the lawyer just now—he explained everything ;
and, in reality, it is you
Of course, I am very pleased to hear this;
Never mind me; I dunno whether I shan't be an M.P. afore any of yet.
You you humbug!
Yes—humbug M.P.; there's a lot on 'em about; and I'm blest if I don't put up straight off! Here, Peggy, lass—
Bring that there chair.
Constituency.
It's him.
What are you—Liberal or Conservative?
It depends werry much on who's likely to be in office.
Ooray!
What are your principles?
Ain't got any—don't want none. Now if you—
Nothing; but I'll promise you anything and every-thing.
Ooray!
My measures are, imperial pints. I shall vote for the general abolition of everything and everybody, taxes inclooded, twins excepted. I shall fine every publichouse as closes afore one in the mornin', and I shall eddicate everybody free and gratis.
Twins excepted.
How about wars?
Shan't have no wars; them gentl'men as likes to fight for glory, let 'em, but I shan't pay 'em for it.
We want division of land and property.
You shall all have your little bit of land when you're dead—six feet or so, and we'll divide
your little property at the same time; as for the Franchise, well, there ain't no humbug about
him. when found
out. May I depend upon YOUR VOTE AND INTEREST?