# Conversational Aikido

The original ideas for this are from [a presentation by the same title I gave at CodeConf 2015](https://speakerdeck.com/leedohm/conversational-aikido-1).

## Aikido

[Aikido](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aikido) is a Japanese martial art that is primarily defensive in nature. The best explanation of the philosophy behind aikido I ever heard was, "Let's say that someone is trying to stab me with a knife. They obviously want the knife to go somewhere behind me, why would I be so rude as to stand in their way? I might even help them get it where they want it to go." In other words, Aikido is about working with someone rather than against them.

There are four stages in any Aikido technique:

1. Conflict - Recognizing whether there is a conflict. Sometimes people just act aggressively even when there isn't a conflict.
1. Awareness - Understanding not only the situation at hand, but understanding the people involved.
1. Blending - Getting out of the line of fire and aligning yourself with your partner's motion.
1. Resolution - Resolving the conflict by preventing the partner from doing harm.

These stages can be applied to aggressive conversations as well. By applying these techniques, negative conversations can be turned around into positive ones in the majority of cases.

## Aikido in Conversations

So how do we use the four stages, Conflict, Awareness, Blending and Resolution, in conversations? It is simple to explain and somewhat challenging to put into practice. Taking your time and being mindful of yourself and the situation is the key to making it all work.

### Conflict

Aikido is about understanding, first and foremost. In the Conflict stage, we should take care to notice if there really is a difference of opinion. Sometimes people just argue, even when they're agreeing with someone else. Don't get sucked in by the tone of the conversation, read the actual content and decide what people are really saying underneath it all.

### Awareness

Awareness is about more than just seeing what is on the surface. It is about seeing the flow of energy behind it all. Is someone upset because of the feature they're complaining about? Or is Atom confusing and hard to understand? You can't move forward with someone if you don't understand what motivates them.

### Blending

Blending is the heart of Aikido. Blending is not so much about using someone's own force against them as it is about aligning your energy with theirs. In conversation, this is done by first getting out of their way. Don't set yourself up as their adversary but as someone who wants to help them get where they want to go.

> They can't attack you if you're behind them.
>
> *— Lee Dohm*

### Resolution

Once you're out of the line of fire and generally aligned in purpose, then you can more easily guide them. *Take their side* by respectfully and sincerely **agreeing** with them. You can almost always find common ground in any situation. Use phrases like:

* "I understand that ..."
* "I know it is frustrating when ..."

Also make sure that you're **adding** things to the conversation, not removing them using phrases like:

* "Have you thought about ...?"
* "What would you think of ...?"

When you're in an emotionally charged situation, [avoid using "no", "don't", "won't" or "can't"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtARiQO8ljE). It removes options and generally escalates the conflict.

## Summary

By using these techniques, more often than not you'll be able to de-escalate a conflict and restore order to the conversation.